“Forgive & Forget” Doesn’t Work in Trauma Therapy [Dumb Things Therapists Say Series]

Forgiveness in therapy is a complex and often misunderstood concept. Many clients have been pressured to forgive their abusers or "just let it go," but this approach can be harmful and retraumatizing. True healing comes from understanding that what happened wasn't your fault, processing your emotions safely, and rebuilding trust in yourself.
I've seen how EMDR can help desensitize traumatic memories without forcing forgiveness. The body stores trauma, making it impossible to simply forget. Instead, we work to integrate experiences in a way that allows us to feel safe and empowered again.
This episode explores alternatives to the "forgive and forget" narrative that respect your healing journey. We'll discuss how to honor your anger as a protective force, forgive the parts of yourself that feel blame or shame, and reclaim your sense of safety and trust. Your only job in therapy is to reconnect with yourself and your inherent worth. And this message is for both individuals in therapy and their therapists.
Join me as we dive into this important topic and empower both therapists and clients to approach trauma healing with compassion, understanding and respect for each individual's process.
The Zero Disturbance podcast is for educational purposes and is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or individualized mental health or medical care.
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With a Masters in Education from Vanderbilt, Kambria has been creating trainings and teaching adult learners for over 20 years. As the Director of Education and Quality Improvement at Stanford Medical School, she created ease in complex systems, thereby giving medical trainees successful learning experiences. Now, as a dedicated mom, therapist, and EMDR Consultant, Kambria knows what it means to do things efficiently, effectively, and in a learner-centered way. When she isn't podcasting or creating online courses, you can find Kambria playing with her twins on a beach in California.
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[@KambriaEvansEMDR]

Want to learn more about empowering yourself to experience therapy on your terms? If you appreciated this episode, you won't want to miss out on The Client Workbook + supporting videos! www.zerodisturbance.com/client-workbook

[@Sharde5787]

What about in couples counseling? Do we bring up the topic of forgiveness in relationship therapy, or is it something needed in order to move forward with the other person?

[@jamie151-d9j]

i am currently going through this sort of thing as well, not with a therapist though, but friends and family.
they told me that i needed to forgive my mother after what she did, and proceed to work to get past this.
i have moved past it in my own way, what she put me through for all those years are still a part of my past, but that is all it is. her abuse doesn't control me anymore, and i feel free.
i am never going to forgive the person, she abused my sisters, my dad, and i for years (beatings, withholding food, and strangling), and when dad finally won custody of her two remaining children, one from a previous relationship (i am his only biological child), she decided that since she could no longer exert control over us, she decided to try to end my sister and i.
even though my depression was caused by my dad's preventable death, they believe it is caused by my hatred of her.
i am happy the way i am, reintroducing my abuser will not be a positive influence in the slightest, even if it's been 11 years since i stopped talking to her and visiting). even them talking about it is affecting me, as they will not take no for an answer.
sorry for the rant, but this is a recent situation.