That’s an assumption. Like the video noted, people’s comments that one finds offensive may come from a different type of cultural communication, or an oopsie like accidentally honking on the horn, or panic over an injured child in the back seat. The possibilities are infinite.
Having said that, what you say holds true in situations of abuse - domestic violence, child abuse, coercive controlling partners, narcissistic behaviors from others, and other extreme personality disordered people whose goal is truly to undermine people they know.
I saw a video that was prefaced by something like "How do you take things less personally?" and their response was along the lines of like "Assuming people are judging you/ thinking horrible things about you is actually you judging THEM and making them out to be potentially much meaner individuals than they are. So now I just assume everyone is kind, and if they act in a way that contradicts that I assume it's because they have something going on in their lives, forgive them, and move on." That was really eye opening to me to hear it from that perspective. Assuming people are thinking the worst of you is, in a way, judgement of them. Lets believe that people are kind, and try to be kind ourselves.
I love this perspective! Thanks for sharing. So many times we assume people judge us or feel they have attacked us, etc. But that is also us judging them through our assumptions, especially if we have not verified these assumptions and just make things up in our heads (stories our brain tells us).
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I want to follow this thinking in my own life. I have been feeling so alone and confused in life lately. This is because the world feels so angry and violent. But life is a matter of perspective. The world is ugly and cruel if you only look for uglyness and cruelty. Perspective is the most important thing for us because life IS what you see
This one feels much harder to get around when the level of figuring out what people's opinions are of me goes to "am I physically safe around them? Do I need to be prepared to defend myself?" Especially if someone has had prior experience with people mistreating them, it can be less about needing to feel like a better person and more about worrying about their physical wellbeing. It's much easier to justify avoiding people when it's put in terms of "misjudging someone as good when they really weren't has more risk than misjudging someone as bad and nothing happened", no matter how irrational or how low those chances actually are. Social anxiety sucks. :) It does get easier by trying to internalize the idea that most people want to do good, or at least are much more interested in their own lives to care what you're doing though.
It feels unachievable, but it really is. You won’t be perfect at it, but even if it takes say 20 years to be good at it, that’s still meaningful. Because 20 years will pass anyway. Do you want to be where you are now in 20 years or doing better and working on your thinking patterns in 20 years? Just gotta shift your perspective to look outside in, instead of inside out. If that makes sense
I felt ATTACKED by TH-cam for recommending this video to me. Then I started watching it and I now am FURIOUS that you are so unquestionably right so yeah I guess I needed it. No joke, this is one of my favourite TH-cam channels ever 💛
I just love the way you explain things and your sence of humor definitely comes through. Thank you so much for the free therapy , we all need a bit from time to time😊
@@zondra.genevieve and you could be judgmental or critical...you didn't have to respond to their comment, especially since it wasn't to or about you🤷🏾♀️
It's all harder to do when you are in a degree program where your arguments (!) for a theory are being critiqued. Maybe we all need debate or pre-law classes!
“Don’t believe everything you THINK” is truly the root of most issues we humans have. We DO let our brain talk TO US WHEN WE SHOULD BE TELLING OUR BRAIN WHAT TO THINK.
Yeah me too. It didn't stop there, got it back in Jr. High and High School. That's why I joined the football team to knock the shish out of people, but the lens still sticks with me :(. I'll be okay though, I'll get better one day at a time. 1% better! YOU GOT THIS!!!
One of the best things I have recently learned is how complex PTSD is rooted in toxic shame. Really trying to overcome that and not take things personally.
@@cadmanwells So if someone says the earth is a bad place and capitalism is ruining lifes because african children and whole families are being forced to work for the global west just so that the rich 1% can do whatever the fuck they want because they can just pay their way out of literally everything while everyone else is struggling to keep themselves inside of an apartment with two jobs at the same time... that's suddenly a confession of my character being bad? Because I talk negative about the factual existence of inequality? Doesn't really make sense does it? Since the person would be absolutely right about the world. If someone says the earth isn't a good place because women still have to fight for equal rights.... what does that make that person... There is only one easy sentence that can explain something as complex as that. It's that the easiest answer, isn't always the correct answer. Just the most convienet to believe in and the most convient answer to make yourself feel better about yourself. That's exactly what boomers did with depressed kids. They just called them lazy instead of helping them, which just made thing worse. The world doesn't work like that. At least not in reality outside of the priviliged mindset of a white male.
I grew up in controlling judgemental relatives uncle and older cousins not even my parents were like them but seem to be acceptable. Old pilipino culture. It seemed common practice back then.
Thank you for this remarkable info. In the first 5 min. I began weeping because I have searched for this info my entire life in vain (I'm 67). I realized my life will be changed forever because of this 20 min. lesson. I've heard a million times "Don't take it personally," but zero instructions on how to do that!! That's like telling an alcoholic: Just don't drink. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am 58 and I too have been to years of therapy, searched for answers to no avail. My phone heard my husband and I talking yesterday about me doing it again and this video came up. Thank you, thank you for giving me tools to change myself😘
I felt instant and enormous relief after this. That two-column exercise - so simple, but a revelation. I will be coming back to that exercise whenever I need it. Thank you.
Yes ! I made copious notes and I am definitely going to do "the homework" ... this is a bazillion times better than hearing my Dad say "just calm down" ... this approach is so grounded and will be actual help next time my stepson acts like the 12-yr old he is :) ... PS I'm 58 and have always been terribly passive-aggressive when I feel defeated by others.
People are rude, attack you on purpose, apologize later, do it again, and the cycle continues... best thing to do os let it roll off. Be confident in yourself, know yourself well enough to know if you should change for the better or not, and monitor patterns in people. There's always room for improvement, but boundaries are also crucial.
This true. But what if you cannot avoid the sick twisted damaged sob who has decided to target you? What if you have asked him calmly and repeatedly to stop and others have asked him to stop but he continues whenever he sees you. What if you were relentlessly bullied when a child.
@@fs1512Damn sorry about that. I guess that best thing to do is completelyyy ignore them act they are a ghost don’t even glance his way. Idk if this helps but just try it
I have always had the habit of taking everything personally. Even if I enter a room and people are laughing at something, I assuem they were making fun of me.
"It's not about YOU" Love this. I once heard someone say that taking personal offense and especially always assuming people are talking about you is not simply an insecurity, but is rather due to our sinful nature as humans to give way to our PRIDE, sometimes shown as arrogance. Of course, being self-centered in this more subtle way could be justified by saying there was once severe neglect or abandonment, so one subconsciously actually desperately wants that attention whether negative or not, but it doesn't negate the fact that essentially we are stuck in the teenage illusion that we are or should be the center of the universe. Basically, I am not the main character. You are not the main character. The sooner we realize and accept this, the sooner we experience freedom from caring about the whispers or presumed judgement. Just let it go. By it i mean your ego. You'll feel so much better 😊
Didn't anyone see the musical Chicago? The song "cellophane"? When people treat you with indifference it's impossible to ignore. You don't exist. THAT hurts.
My sister has always put me down with her jealous issues ,criticised me so I keep her out of my life. Some people are just bullies cause they have issue and it's best to keep away from constant attacks. I'm happy I do not have to cope with her anymore.
I am right there with you. My sister and father are gone from my life for 1 year now. I received a birthday card from my sister on January 24th one day before my birthday, and I have been suffering horrible ruminating thoughts ever since, so just 2 weeks or so. That is what her bullying has done to me, I suffered daily with endless loops of the things that they did to me, so I have to work towards dismantling all of this garbage. It's a f'in fulltime job, I am so resentful 😢
Yes too many people think they can heal and intentionally let toxic people around them. Getting away from them is the best option. I've had to do this.
I'm also in agreement with you. I too have two sisters who gang up against me and attack my integrity with my mom and my mom acts like she's clueless. I feel orphaned so I've just walked away😢
Just wanted to say that whenever I'm in distress, I'll just click on any of your recent videos and the music, positivity and your knowledge makes me feel better instantly =). Thank you for all that you do.
It takes a lot of courage to admit that we are hyper sensitive and we take things personally I have struggled with this immensely I have had so many jobs because the moment I feel unappreciated or threatened I just quit but not before creating chaos I have slowly learned to have an easygoing attitude That is your best ally People sometimes will use a harsh tone, or say things that can be aggressive and it’s important to remember that if you maintain your composure you portray professionalism, assertiveness & self control There’s a time & place for everything But the key is to truly walk away and take a moment to fully analyze & assess situations that trigger us I never used to hold back & every time I felt hurt or felt any negative emotion I would lash out at the person I have burned every relationship due to my impulsive behavior and I have lost many career opportunities because I took things personally I wish that I worked on this years ago Now that I’m a mother I have to ensure to teach my daughter how to respond to uncomfortable situations
Wow! You are very self-aware, which is a really beneficial trait to have. So, many people are in denial about how they contribute to their own situations. Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions will serve you well in the future, especially since you now know what NOT to do. Best wishes! ❤
@@MissTXTee 🙏🙏🙏 when I became a mother I had to truly put my life into perspective I realized that I have to be the best I can be in order to lead by example It’s a struggle to keep my mouth shut and not lash out but sometimes silence is the best thing to do that will lead to a much better outcome
I'm a new subscriber and just want to say how refreshing it is to hear a professional talk about this topic on TH-cam. I'm so tired of hearing how anytime you feel wronged, then you must be suffering from narcissistic abuse. That term is thrown around so easily, and I've seen many families suffer from labeling loved ones in that way. I so appreciate you! Giving us the tools to work on ourselves rather than encouraging us to play the victim is beyond valuable in today's society. Thank you!
I struggle with this severely. I take even the smallest things in offense and become extremely defensive. Then I get angry and I am very confrontational. Some things are so insignificant the other person doesn't even realize they said anything but I turn it into huge conflict. I become convinced that I know exactly what the situation is and don't give the other party a chance to even explain their side or put in 2 words. When people apologize, I am unable to accept it. I tell myself I forgive people but I keep throwing everything in their face even years after. I have no friends, strained family relationships, and now in process of getting a divorce. I feel helpless because I've realized this issue multiple times and yet have not been able to make any progress. I've gone through traumas in my life but at 33 I feel like I should have been able to work on myself. I've been doing therapy and it's not helping. Sometimes I feel like I will never get better. Sometimes I feel like only solution is to leave this life. Please wish a healing for me if you can. A lot of the times I can't even stand myself anymore.
One of the most important things I ever learned was the title of a book. “It was on fire when I laid down on it!” Years later I made up another catchy phrase: “If something is messed up, somebody somewhere wants it that way!” And one more: “It can be done by someone else tomorrow!” Have a good day!
You might try a shadow work book or journal. I mean at this point it can't hurt right? if you think about it you really got through the hardest part. Just self-awareness so be proud of yourself for that and find ways to go even further.
I have been struggling a lot with the same,but lately I am learning that my opinion might not make sense to the other party whether I’m right or wrong!! My advice to you is to walk away at times and ignore some of the peoples opinion,you are human they are human you both deserve peace and respect to one another.Heal and let go!!sending you love and comfort
Maybe you need a new therapist? Are you neurodivergent? I have ADHD, and come from some trauma, so my self esteem is just trash, and putting therapeutic things to practice is harder because of these things. I write things down and review them, practice like I’m in college on the subject, reminders in my phone to work on them. Change is hard. Virtual hug.
The thrree steps to stop taking things personally - all three were missing from my life (age 7 to 70). I now have a grasp on all three...and I already feel the difference.
I literally just got done taking something personally and dealing with the fallout from it. This was released 1 minute ago. I feel attacked, but I am going to watch anyway.
Litterally the same Litterally Only im 4 hours late to the party Honestly, the vid put me in perspective 5 minutes in But i already knew i was overreacting i just couldnt stop doing it, till i redirected my focus I hope youre okay you human beeing Hope you have a nice day
Normally I always joke in the comments saying “I feel attacked” but I actually feel relief. I know there are so many things I need to work on with myself & usually change takes action. Okay so when someone tells me let it go, don’t take it personally, stop thinking about it - all I hear is a non action and I’m like that doesn’t help. I feel like this is solid advice to help with putting the focus back on yourself & not in a bad ego selfish way. I always tend to get stuck in my head replaying things and turn them into stories and become the victim. Wouldn’t hurt me to watch this a few more times because I just kept nodding going yup that’s me!
I appreciate your insight on “let it go,” because that’s always how I took it, too. It’s a really good idea to interpret that as, “Focus on what you can control and what your values are.” That makes much sense, and hopefully will keep me from rolling my eyes as much at people when they tell me this. Thanks!
This is spot on! The more I think about things in my head the scenarios can spiral and my energy is no good. I too am going to listen to this video a few more times. And I appreciate the exercises to help us become better people. Thank you for sharing
facts 💯 there's so many factors that don't go the way you expect and that makes you take things personally. I get so worked up and pissed off when people don't respond to my messages, for instance.
17:36 the pivot... the drama melts away! Hallelujah !!! This can happen people!! I have been attending CHILDHOOD CPTSD therapy for two years and my self esteem has taken me to a place with self/parts integration and nervous system regulation... I've reparented myself to the point there is very little drama! No more living each day -jumping to conclusions!
Yes, some people are awful. And yes, we do have to accept the fact that not everyone will like us, but that doesn’t mean it should be socially acceptable for someone to take out their anger on someone else for no reason. especially when the person who instigated it gets no consequences.
Thanks so much for sharing yourself and your own struggles with us. ALL my past councilors - from psychiatrists to social workers, and everyone in between - never shared their own experiences with life's challenges. Looking back, I think now that it's that affect I subconsciously perceived in each of perfection and loftiness that I didn't stick long with "professional" help and repeatedly wandered back to my old self with his bad habits, attitudes, outlooks, and negativity. "NO ONE understands me." I made excuse. I couldn't take their overbearing advice and felt I could never live up to anyone's expectations of me. Just discovering you today, the first two of your videos I've just watched have moved my internal paradigms greatly; in minutes, not months and months of sessions... I feel hopeful again. THANK YOU, Emma
I just went through a moment where I was offended by an assumption made about my character and boy did it sting. While I did take some time to pause and think about the situation I was still feeling pretty peeved. I talked to them and expressed how I felt but they didn’t really respond so now I’m anticipating a second conversation. This video solidified some thought I was having letting me know I’m on the right track. 1) I had to ask myself “Girl, why are you so mad about something you know isn’t true. Just because you’re being accused doesn’t make you guilty” 2) I asked myself why is my go to defending myself in an attempt to make people see me the way I see me 3) why do I need this person to validate that I am a good person by giving me whatever outcome that would soothe my bruised ego? Some of this stuff was difficult to chew but it was the medicine I needed to proceed from now on. Thank you 😊
I understand the tendency to take things personally, and it resonates with my own experiences. Throughout my childhood, I received frequent criticism based on my identity and perceived shortcomings, which unfortunately led to internalized negativity. Now, at 40, I can still find myself taking things to heart. However, this insightful video offered valuable tools for managing such reactions. Recognizing one's core values and utilizing them for resilience is truly crucial. Thank you for sharing this important message.
Thank you so much! I came to this video after an argument with my sister where I was complaining about people being overly fragile and needing everyone to tiptoe around and not hurt their feelings. Ironically when she pushed back and we started arguing about it, I became totally disregulated and resentful towards her for having a different perspective. I guess I felt like she thought I was a bad person for not being more sympathetic… and I immediately became the kind of person I was complaining about: fragile and defensive. I needed this video 😅🙏💖
I just bumped into this video, while I'm being moody and 'offended ' by a trivial thing that i did overthink. I am going through burnout in life, and trying to still get on with life. So i am fragile. I am unable to put into words what i am feeling, and your video is just putting all the words together to explain it the best way. Thank you for this ❤
finally, it feels like i can actually understand how to make better boundaries. i feel as though other people always say "make clear boundaries" without explaining what exactly boundaries are. For a long time, boundaries just sounded like ways to limit other people, which is why it never made sense to me what making good boundaries looked like cuz that just didnt sound right. I love that you worded it as "As soon as you pivot away from, "He needs to stop offending me" toward "Hmm, do I actually need to change anything?" the drama like melts away. These are clear boundaries." That makes much more sense to me on how to make boundaries and how to create that distance so i learn how to not take things personally
I feel like this channel/video was literally made for me. Goes over everything I'm struggling with in thorough detail. You pinpointed and clarified everything I'm going through, and then some. Really appreciate this content, and you taking the time to do it!
You have always been my mentor, even though we don't know each other. Whenever I face personal problems, I turn to your videos. Today, your video helped me tackle a significant issue, teaching me to adjust my thinking and avoid taking everything personally. You have been helpful to me as well as many others who have been going through many health challenges!!! Thank you so much for your wonderful videos! I think God gave you the gift to heal and touch other people's hearts. May God continue to bless you. Lots of hugs and love!
I agree. She has the gift to touch and heal other peoples heart. She smiles with pure joy and patiently explaining one by one. Her video is better than some other self help therapy videos I've watched before.
Drama? Oh hell yeah... For some strange reason I acquired my mother's negative attitude/DEMEANER. And you're right about being insecure and sensitive. I also react right away.
I'm from Argentina and fortunately we been trying to avoid comments about people's apparency but still is really common here. Love your videos, thanks and abrazos!
This is going to change my life. And my families life for the better. Thank you. For myself personally it wasn't offense. It was being hurt. But 99% is so true.
well sometimes it depends..the mere fact you heard the talking about you is off, and its really offensive. well even in that situation we should really have to control our reaction?
This is the most amazing, wise and helpful explanation of how to deal with this issue I have ever heard. I will save this to my videos and will watch several times. Thank you for your beautiful work and authentic approach ❤
Thank you this is sooo constructive for me and I know exactly what to do to get out of my constantly offended, passive aggressive and lonely prison. I just love your infectious and loving, straightforward and happy style of delivery.
Thank you so much! I watched this 2x, then sent it to my partner. It’s helpful to hear the internal process of what’s going on when he’s lashing out defensively.
Emma, you’re incredible. I have archived this video to watch again in the future. I’ve realized I’ve done some work on myself in this area, but have a long way to go, but the way your broke it all down actually felt encouraging and made me feel a true desire to shed old habits and grow. Your work here and in other videos is extraordinarily appreciated. No non sense, direct, yet empathetic and overwhelmingly positive. Thank you!
She is not saying that we are the ones that need to change. When we are secure and receive a comment we are the ones to decide whether we MAY need to change, according to what WE want to be.
I didn’t take it that way. What you said sounds like negative talk…like everyone else is good and you’re the problem. I took it more to say that we focus on our half and what we can do about it and how we might improve on because that’s what’s within our control. In a perfect world, the other person would do the same thing! It’s not about right or wrong but rather understanding that…it isn’t always about who’s right and who’s wrong 😊
I lived in Italy and was constantly being overly sensitive and reactive to their comments about my weight! This is the perfect video for me today, thank you!
I have to tell you how much I like your videos , they are extreamly informative and uber helpful. That being said I always feel and think that the battle with in me keeps telling me there is no real help or cure for the overwhelming problems that are inside my mind . I will say the battle inside is most times too much to even begin to stop ,breath ,calm down , take a moment , examine , redirect , or what ever it is to do . My fight or flight is on and there is nothing but seperation from what ever it is to help. your vids have helped me pinpointing what the cause of my issues are and that is amazing and cuts back on the isolation . I am rambling on but in my way I am thanking you for your help and support .
I love my therapist, but man, I got more out of this video (on this subject) than I have in the past two years working with her. We work on other things as well that she’s very helpful with, but you really nailed it with this particular subject for me. So helpful! Thank you!!
This is terrific stuff! And I'm excited to find that I (to some degree, at least) have navigated a recent misunderstanding with some of these insights/practices in play. I had to muddle through on my own, but I'm now feeling okay with how the dust has settled, and it's a good to be reminded that I"m only responsible for me. Really loved the quote, "Don't believe everything you think." Priceless!
I agree. I feel this video is conflating using personal offense as a form of aggression within interpersonal relationships rather than deep issues with very low self-esteem and self-worth.
I agree I'm sure this is not always the case but I can absolutely see how someone close to me uses their personal offense to justify their reactions either before or after the offense was made- whether it was made intentionally or not. They are very easily offended almost like they have no emotional maturity or boundaries within themselves, which they could have if they really wanted to. We aren't talking about someone young. When they get offended they make sure everyone knows about it, or they'll use it to guilt trip others because "poor me I'm the victim you're/they're jerk so now you/they have to give me that vacation I wanted or else" so yes in a vindicative way, it clearly does feel good for this particular individual to be offended in a probably masochistic sort of way. They refuse to seek psychological help or therapy. Clearly they're happy with constantly living in their own world of offense.
Even if it does come from low self esteem or self worth due to a horrible childhood and painful personal tragedies- which they always remind you of by the way- i don't believe that justifies taking it out on others in this way. This just magnifies and spreads the hurt like a disease, instead of healing and giving advice on how to heal.
Wow wow wow just wow, you’ve opened my mind. Knowing that being offended is one of our self defense because we feel threatened actually makes me realize that it was really is normal and no reason to make it as a big deal. It’s like every living thing has it’s own defense mechanism, we’re all just same ( in that context)
This really comes from a place of integrity. When you demonstrate and live what you are wanting to receive things will change. To really do this though, you must live every second of life with extreme integrity. That means doing the right thing when NO ONE is looking. We do this so when people are looking it’s second nature. This fosters a life of worth and security in your own self efficacy and creates a totally internal locust of self control.
Hi there, thank you for all the pointers you put together. Concisely and clearly, This really helped me understand why I “was” taking things personally. It has been an obstacle in my spiritual inquiry of “who am I?” . A spiritual inquiry into “who am I?” has totally brought up ways I identify with a sense of myself as inadequate, unworthy and invaluable ‘person’ and why I have been trying to prove myself and convince people of who iam. The little glitch is that I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I have always been very intuitive, all my life. I intuitively agree with you and what you said and it immediately resonated with me. I have never been aware that someone else’s approval and their validation of me is not required to be confirmation of who iam. I have always been a proactive person, open and communicative. I just have to dismantle the belief that I need an outside approval and/or validation. Thank you soooooooooo much.❤️❤️❤️
This is SUCH a good video. The locus of control is explained so well. Maybe in a future video you can dive into people that feel over-responsible and cannot really feel like what is their responsibility and not, for example due to OCD and/or religious trauma. Some people tend to not act out towards the other person, but towards themselves, and I can tell from my own experience that that is very difficult hehe. What I do is to try to talk to myself like I would to a friend.
The manner in which you use music to begin and end the show is beautiful. It makes the whole video feel natural and without the typical clinical feel. Also, I needed to see this today.
This is the single most important than my I have ever heard about me. Thank you. I hope I can heal myself so I can can be a better part of my other relationships.
I can assure you that I am one who takes things personally but it’s not intentional. Honestly, I want to stop it because I know that it’s not serving me. You are so right. It’s the stories that we tell ourselves that can contribute to our taking things personally. Our insecurities can indeed wreck havoc on our minds, forcing us to think very undesirable thoughts about ourselves. Thanks for sharing this with us. Keep going.
I can SO relate to this. My husband is the son of Chinese immigrants, who (culturally) were VERY different from me. So, there were lots of things that got lost in translation or were misunderstood. They thought I was weird, I thought they were rude...It was a mess lol. I can look back on it now and laugh but going through it, it was very challenging on our relationship. I had to learn about things that were not culturally accepted here but totally normal in China. I had to take my ego out of it and understand that if I'm going to be a part of this family, I have to be open, patient and not take everything as a personal attack. Thanks for sharing your story! it's comforting to know that it's quite common to take things to heart especially if you're more on the sensitive side.
Oh boy curiosity and growth. I love this short lesson, but do I keep forgetting the wonderful words of wisdom and getting defensive 🤔 ? yes ! I need to watch at least once a week to get it into my head. This is how I want to behave ! Thanks so much for this.
Excellent video, going to watch again. My challenge is my mother-in-law, which is hard, because we are so different. I keep trying hard, but then getting upset by her response.
This is very helpful. And it’s true that taking responsibility for what you can control makes for a much happier life. And that taking time to reply and reflect without being inflammatory in your response and checking in with what they mean is helpful as is knowing your own values. I would add that assertive communication in some situations is important esp at times where someone is clearly trying to emotionally test you or repeatedly uses you as an emotional punch bag - even if it’s not about you. As in a very calm ‘I won’t be spoken to like that’ or ‘I appreciate you’re upset but if you continue to raise your voice I’ll have to end this conversation’ etc. It’s not to change their behaviour it’s more to vocalise what your values are and what you are and aren’t willing to accept which is a powerful message. And how you process things internally is also important but people can try to take advantage so while not showing you’re bothered is the best solution in most cases, some people need to hear what your boundaries are x
I think some second order thinking would add to this advice: that is, best practices to "let it go", as some people might be justice-oriented and think if some does you wrong, it is not a matter of ego being hurt, rather, a wrong ethically imposed that requires some form of justice? That is where it gets more difficult. Further, the negative energy they impose you on, that has to be directed if it is absorbed. It is nice to think we can just shake it off, and maybe some can get that stoic, but if someone is rude to me, I feel a sense of justice to apply that back at them, giving it back, not out of ego, but a moral duty involving teaching. It isn't personal for me, it's more so universal: I don't want that person to keep doing that to other people. Example: trying to help a customer at a retail store and that customer is taking out their bad day on the sales rep trying to help. There is a power dynamic which is unfair and then the customer being demeaning or rude. Brushing it off seems fine, but then this behavior continues. I think a more moderate remedy might be beneficial not only to both parties but whatever party that troubled customer encounter in the future. Being stoic, at times, only further enables bad behavior. There are times to be defensive beyond protecting the ego.
I understand and agree with this. I had to leave a group that defended their "ironic" racism and got abnormally aggressive when I politely called it out. I was belittled, not taken seriously and left when I discovered I was always treated as an outsider on top of that. But there are members in the group who could become dangerous if they continue their beliefs. I strongly dislike mantras that say you have no control. Because the majority of people shrug their shoulders and say they can't make a difference, positive change isn't happening.
This 100%. You put it into words excellently! There are people at work that were rude to me and I was afraid to stand up for myself for fear of insubordination and retaliation!
I completely agree with what you explained in a very concise form, probably because I think the same way. Certain comments that offend us, regardless of cultural differences, or if the person has had a bad day, can cause great mental damage to the person who felt offended and/or belittled. I try to be very careful and respectful with any individual, I really do not intend to “serve as an example” or that I know better, but simply out of a greater sense of justice, so that such harmful behaviours don’t get perpetuated. I accept that people criticize me if I behave inappropriately without being aware of it, but there are more supportive and respectful ways of doing so. The big issue is that common sense is different for everyone, and also, in my opinion, it should be noteworthy in order to avoid misunderstandings.
think you need to unlearn the punitive mindset, bro. it is not real justice to just harm someone back the way they harmed you. that just creates more hurt people, not less.
Hey same, but if they pick at us it does mean they know we're the ones who are capable of better than they could achieve, and they're salty. The women in my immediate family too, love to play the self pity, relationships never work out, always alone game, because they can't admit to how their own negativity contributes to their relational issues. I no longer see their opinions as having credibility, and yes it is a daily process of healing, and I do wish that you also no longer let another stop you from the life you want for yourself. Good luck
Yes bc I'm only having this taking offense thing with my mother. I feel like we're both the same, but I'm going to take the first step in bettering myself and just try and be nice and compassionate towards her as possible.
this was so helpful! thank you so much. I experienced an offense at a professional level from a client a few days back and its been bothering me as its a first in 20 something years. Its been keeping me occupied on what went wrong? this exercise helps.
I am a clergyman and wanted to applaud your sharing such valuable and proactive ways to help ourselves. You make the world a better place and I sense you are an old soul brought back to help and teach many needy ,psycho-spiritually thirsty people. Thank you for giving so generously of yourself and knowledge FREELY.. Be blessed. Dios Te Bendigo :))
This literally happened to me yesterday, what started as me complaining about a joint task with a coworker I started to take offense to their repsonses even after they specifically said they were not about me. I apologized this morning but that was after ruiminating for hours about it and I literally kept saying to myself, this is so silly just stop. I'm glad this video is out lol.
Thank you for doing these videos @therapyinanutshell! I cant afford therapy. 😭 Ive been getting increasingly snappy and defensive towards my family because I feel like nobody listens when I try to express myself. But I realized that I also need personal development. This is a great place to start!
Wow, this nailed me, thank you.. I just recently found your channel and I follow it and told my adult daughter about you too. I am learning so much about myself. I know I would benefit from personal therapy but I just can’t afford it so thank you so very much 🙏🏻🤗
I was bullied through my school years so I had lots of issues - low self esteem, no confidence, anxiety, depression - I never quite sorted out. When things came to a head in my 20's, I decided to go see a counselor. One thing he shared as a tool for responding to statements that trigger those emotions that I've never forgotten was, "This is what you said, but this is what I heard".
I plan to take every word of this video in to work with a new counsellor I'm seeing tomorrow, and spend the next six sessions that I have with her mastering every word. This is my worst problem in life. But it also stems from being the scapegoat child of my family so I'm almost pre-programmed to take offense, pre-programmed to get victimized. another excellent therapist on TH-cam described it as being coated in tar around abusers, they pick up on it. I have literally almost been abused daily by different people over the last 2 weeks because I received a birthday card from my sister a day before my birthday 2 weeks ago and have had nothing but ruminating thoughts on all the cruel things that my sister and father have done to me over thirty years, until I kick them out of my life one year ago. She should never have been sending me a birthday card because I have told her no contact so I literally had to send an email on my birthday that I would go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. so my mind has just been this cesspool of victimization so it's like I'm a magnet for it. But I will win this war. I will win with help from women like this. ❤
@@rosemaryclarke2348 Thank you, that's very kind of you to say! hey if you're interested in watching the healing journey in real time I'm going to have playlists on forgiveness, on recording a neuroinguistic programming script to change patterns in your brain and follow up videos to see if it's working for me, and lots of other great content! Some of my first videos should be up in the next few days if you'd like to join the other two followers I have so far, and become my third. 😁
My mother is this way which she taught me how to be this way as well. It's impossible to have a relationship with her because she gets so offended about everything. I have to unlearn this behavior so my children don't inherit it as well
What you are basically saying is to take a step back and put things in perspective. This is true many many times in my life experience and I concur. When someone criticizes you for something don’t promptly disagree and quickly be defensive. Most of the time it’s nothing to do with you at all but what that person is undergoing. In my experience I gain social points when I turned such unfair criticisms into self deprecating jokes which everyone admires
The last time I felt attacked was yesterday. 6:05 Me and my sister were in my car, I was driving and motor cycle guys came and waved to our car and did heart signs. One even showed his phone and pointed it to my sister. The other kept waving and showing off to us. My sister was like: “this was the craziest thing that has ever happened to me!” I got I guess a little jealous but also confused because the guy showing his phone obviously was into her but the way she assumed the other guy was thinking the same was so annoying to me. It made me feel very ugly and unwanted. I felt so embarrassing saying out loud: “Maybe the other was waving to me”. She later told me she thought it was weird I said that and I was so disappointed in myself en took that personally. That’s why im watching this video rn lol
Something that has helped me not personalize others' opinions is telling myself, "He/she is not the one," that is, changing this person's mind will not create the change that, IMO, matters. There are people who, if their opinion of you or an issue changed, would matter. But this person is not that person.
Taking things too personally can lead to an embarrassing public outburst, but that can be a good thing. Malignant personalities do not expose themselves.
Thanks, Hayley! Lots of practical tips and I like your bright and breezy presentation style. Subscribed! I'd add that the converse of your advice also applies. As well as making things we ought to do more convenient, we should also make our favourite distractions difficult. For example when working from home, I use a different computer with work-related bookmarks set out on the browser toolbar. The bookmarks for websites I like are buried in a folder in a folder or not there at all.
When you tell others not to take things personally, you are SILENCING them, their pain, their traumas, their broken hearts. Insults, abuse, disrespect ARE VERY PERSONAL.
From a fellow therapist thank you so much! Not only for my clients but for myself you are an inspiration and I'm so grateful for what you do. God bless you. ❤🎉
One of the most important lessons you can learn in life: how people treat you says more about them than it does about you.
and your reaction is about you not them.
💯
That’s an assumption. Like the video noted, people’s comments that one finds offensive may come from a different type of cultural communication, or an oopsie like accidentally honking on the horn, or panic over an injured child in the back seat. The possibilities are infinite.
Having said that, what you say holds true in situations of abuse - domestic violence, child abuse, coercive controlling partners, narcissistic behaviors from others, and other extreme personality disordered people whose goal is truly to undermine people they know.
So true! Even at my advanced age, I *still* tend to assume that people are making careful assessments of my worth before deciding how to treat me! 😂
One of the best things I have ever heard on this topic is that “what other people think of you is none of your business”
what if that person is your wife or your kid? then it definitely is your business...
I think it’s one of the worst.
Learned that from watching RuPaul's Drag Race❤
😂 My sister told me this years ago and I always pass this on!!!!!!
I like that:)
I saw a video that was prefaced by something like "How do you take things less personally?" and their response was along the lines of like "Assuming people are judging you/ thinking horrible things about you is actually you judging THEM and making them out to be potentially much meaner individuals than they are. So now I just assume everyone is kind, and if they act in a way that contradicts that I assume it's because they have something going on in their lives, forgive them, and move on." That was really eye opening to me to hear it from that perspective. Assuming people are thinking the worst of you is, in a way, judgement of them. Lets believe that people are kind, and try to be kind ourselves.
I love this perspective! Thanks for sharing. So many times we assume people judge us or feel they have attacked us, etc. But that is also us judging them through our assumptions, especially if we have not verified these assumptions and just make things up in our heads (stories our brain tells us).
But when we to deal with such people on daily basis and they always act like that then how to deal with them as they are draining
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I want to follow this thinking in my own life. I have been feeling so alone and confused in life lately. This is because the world feels so angry and violent. But life is a matter of perspective. The world is ugly and cruel if you only look for uglyness and cruelty. Perspective is the most important thing for us because life IS what you see
Appreciate this comment!
This one feels much harder to get around when the level of figuring out what people's opinions are of me goes to "am I physically safe around them? Do I need to be prepared to defend myself?" Especially if someone has had prior experience with people mistreating them, it can be less about needing to feel like a better person and more about worrying about their physical wellbeing. It's much easier to justify avoiding people when it's put in terms of "misjudging someone as good when they really weren't has more risk than misjudging someone as bad and nothing happened", no matter how irrational or how low those chances actually are. Social anxiety sucks. :)
It does get easier by trying to internalize the idea that most people want to do good, or at least are much more interested in their own lives to care what you're doing though.
It takes an entire lifetime to cultivate these qualities.
Not if you make a conscious effort to correct your way of thinking
It feels unachievable, but it really is. You won’t be perfect at it, but even if it takes say 20 years to be good at it, that’s still meaningful. Because 20 years will pass anyway. Do you want to be where you are now in 20 years or doing better and working on your thinking patterns in 20 years? Just gotta shift your perspective to look outside in, instead of inside out. If that makes sense
Right, and you're going to be living a lifetime anyway. You might as well start making it a good one.🥳
Amen!
The goal is growth not perfection. And growth is continuous.......
I felt ATTACKED by TH-cam for recommending this video to me. Then I started watching it and I now am FURIOUS that you are so unquestionably right so yeah I guess I needed it.
No joke, this is one of my favourite TH-cam channels ever 💛
Same here friend. I needed this video today
hahaha
I just love the way you explain things and your sence of humor definitely comes through. Thank you so much for the free therapy , we all need a bit from time to time😊
I don't know, when my narcissist husband calls me a b@#ch, useless or ignorant I do tend to take offense
@@lindyc.2552 and youre still together? who the f#@& calls their wife a 13!tc# ? im so sorry youve been treated so abusively.
Secure self comes when your busy doing what you love and you have comforting people around you not when you’re tired and lonely.
So True!
100%❤
1. Clarity
2. Boundaries
3. Solid foundation of self-worth ❤❤❤
This is better than the video. Thank you, clear and to the point.
@@afrancis7475or you’re just impatient 🤷♀️ could just say thank you and not rap on the video
I appreciate this comment more than words can express.
@@zondra.genevieve and you could be judgmental or critical...you didn't have to respond to their comment, especially since it wasn't to or about you🤷🏾♀️
It's all harder to do when you are in a degree program where your arguments (!) for a theory are being critiqued. Maybe we all need debate or pre-law classes!
“Don’t believe everything you THINK” is truly the root of most issues we humans have. We DO let our brain talk TO US WHEN WE SHOULD BE TELLING OUR BRAIN WHAT TO THINK.
Best thing I’ve ever heard
YES!
Yes, like are we gonna be dumb if obviously we are bein fooled and disrespected?
The mind can be a battlefield 😩
Yup! The struggle is very real.
This is one of my biggest weaknesses. It all goes back to being bullied in elementary school.
samee 😭
Yeah me too. It didn't stop there, got it back in Jr. High and High School. That's why I joined the football team to knock the shish out of people, but the lens still sticks with me :(. I'll be okay though, I'll get better one day at a time. 1% better! YOU GOT THIS!!!
I'm really sorry you got bullied. People have no idea the hurt inflicted. 😢
Same
Same
One of the best things I have recently learned is how complex PTSD is rooted in toxic shame. Really trying to overcome that and not take things personally.
(i have all the ptsd symptoms…) just wondering what you mean here if i may ask, i would like to understand
thank you!
@@chinmeysway Tim Fletcher here on youTube does a great job of outlining all the aspects of toxic shame. It manifests in a number of ways.
@@chinmeysway look into his 6 party series "shame and complex trauma". He can explain it much better than I can.
Can you please share more on that. Thank you
@@shadowfax9177 his party series? Who ? I would love to check it out
"Your core beliefs show up in your assumptions. "...... brilliant!
People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. Ralph Waldo Emerson
@@cadmanwells So if someone says the earth is a bad place and capitalism is ruining lifes because african children and whole families are being forced to work for the global west just so that the rich 1% can do whatever the fuck they want because they can just pay their way out of literally everything while everyone else is struggling to keep themselves inside of an apartment with two jobs at the same time... that's suddenly a confession of my character being bad? Because I talk negative about the factual existence of inequality? Doesn't really make sense does it? Since the person would be absolutely right about the world. If someone says the earth isn't a good place because women still have to fight for equal rights.... what does that make that person... There is only one easy sentence that can explain something as complex as that. It's that the easiest answer, isn't always the correct answer. Just the most convienet to believe in and the most convient answer to make yourself feel better about yourself.
That's exactly what boomers did with depressed kids. They just called them lazy instead of helping them, which just made thing worse. The world doesn't work like that. At least not in reality outside of the priviliged mindset of a white male.
My parents always said negative things to me, and now I'm super sensitive into criticism, always taking things personally.
Maybe it’s because their parents were not very nice to them when they were growing up?
I feel like abuse makes you more sensitive
I grew up in controlling judgemental relatives uncle and older cousins not even my parents were like them but seem to be acceptable. Old pilipino culture.
It seemed common practice back then.
This was my parents too…
@@tinamaxwell922Sounds like my upbringing, too being Filipino and all.
Thank you for this remarkable info. In the first 5 min. I began weeping because I have searched for this info my entire life in vain (I'm 67). I realized my life will be changed forever because of this 20 min. lesson. I've heard a million times "Don't take it personally," but zero instructions on how to do that!! That's like telling an alcoholic: Just don't drink.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Exactly!
I am 58 and I too have been to years of therapy, searched for answers to no avail. My phone heard my husband and I talking yesterday about me doing it again and this video came up. Thank you, thank you for giving me tools to change myself😘
I felt instant and enormous relief after this. That two-column exercise - so simple, but a revelation. I will be coming back to that exercise whenever I need it. Thank you.
Yes ! I made copious notes and I am definitely going to do "the homework" ... this is a bazillion times better than hearing my Dad say "just calm down" ... this approach is so grounded and will be actual help next time my stepson acts like the 12-yr old he is :) ... PS I'm 58 and have always been terribly passive-aggressive when I feel defeated by others.
People are rude, attack you on purpose, apologize later, do it again, and the cycle continues... best thing to do os let it roll off. Be confident in yourself, know yourself well enough to know if you should change for the better or not, and monitor patterns in people. There's always room for improvement, but boundaries are also crucial.
Thank you for this comment. Seriously. I needed it. Wishing you joy always. ❤️
This true. But what if you cannot avoid the sick twisted damaged sob who has decided to target you? What if you have asked him calmly and repeatedly to stop and others have asked him to stop but he continues whenever he sees you. What if you were relentlessly bullied when a child.
@@fs1512Damn sorry about that. I guess that best thing to do is completelyyy ignore them act they are a ghost don’t even glance his way. Idk if this helps but just try it
only received an apology from my father, so I have difficulty seeing him as a partner like my father
I have always had the habit of taking everything personally. Even if I enter a room and people are laughing at something, I assuem they were making fun of me.
Are you a highly sensitive person? Look at that ..
You're not alone... I always like that since baby .... 😢
"It's not about YOU" Love this. I once heard someone say that taking personal offense and especially always assuming people are talking about you is not simply an insecurity, but is rather due to our sinful nature as humans to give way to our PRIDE, sometimes shown as arrogance. Of course, being self-centered in this more subtle way could be justified by saying there was once severe neglect or abandonment, so one subconsciously actually desperately wants that attention whether negative or not, but it doesn't negate the fact that essentially we are stuck in the teenage illusion that we are or should be the center of the universe. Basically, I am not the main character. You are not the main character. The sooner we realize and accept this, the sooner we experience freedom from caring about the whispers or presumed judgement. Just let it go. By it i mean your ego. You'll feel so much better 😊
Didn't anyone see the musical Chicago? The song "cellophane"? When people treat you with indifference it's impossible to ignore. You don't exist. THAT hurts.
This lady helped me through the darkest time of my life. If you see this I thank you so much 💓
Me too
glad you're doing better
My sister has always put me down with her jealous issues ,criticised me so I keep her out of my life. Some people are just bullies cause they have issue and it's best to keep away from constant attacks. I'm happy I do not have to cope with her anymore.
Right. I don't really like this video. But I like her advice. But people are pretty rude now a days.
I am right there with you. My sister and father are gone from my life for 1 year now. I received a birthday card from my sister on January 24th one day before my birthday, and I have been suffering horrible ruminating thoughts ever since, so just 2 weeks or so. That is what her bullying has done to me, I suffered daily with endless loops of the things that they did to me, so I have to work towards dismantling all of this garbage. It's a f'in fulltime job, I am so resentful 😢
Yes too many people think they can heal and intentionally let toxic people around them. Getting away from them is the best option. I've had to do this.
I'm also in agreement with you. I too have two sisters who gang up against me and attack my integrity with my mom and my mom acts like she's clueless. I feel orphaned so I've just walked away😢
@@inezneal6917yes I've walked away too. It's better than being around two sisters who are against me and no support from my mom.
There's probably a line between projecting,assuming/taking things personally and actually not agreeing or liking how someone talks to you
And that’s where establishing boundaries comes in
‼️‼️‼️‼️
Just wanted to say that whenever I'm in distress, I'll just click on any of your recent videos and the music, positivity and your knowledge makes me feel better instantly =). Thank you for all that you do.
literally love this channel
I DO THAT TOO!❤❤
It takes a lot of courage to admit that we are hyper sensitive and we take things personally
I have struggled with this immensely
I have had so many jobs because the moment I feel unappreciated or threatened I just quit but not before creating chaos
I have slowly learned to have an easygoing attitude
That is your best ally
People sometimes will use a harsh tone, or say things that can be aggressive and it’s important to remember that if you maintain your composure you portray professionalism, assertiveness & self control
There’s a time & place for everything
But the key is to truly walk away and take a moment to fully analyze & assess situations that trigger us
I never used to hold back & every time I felt hurt or felt any negative emotion I would lash out at the person
I have burned every relationship due to my impulsive behavior and I have lost many career opportunities because I took things personally
I wish that I worked on this years ago
Now that I’m a mother I have to ensure to teach my daughter how to respond to uncomfortable situations
It's never too late. Most probably, you still have a big chunk of career ahead of you and with your new insights, you can progress rapidly.
@@barbthegreat586 that’s very thoughtful of you, thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Wow! You are very self-aware, which is a really beneficial trait to have. So, many people are in denial about how they contribute to their own situations. Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions will serve you well in the future, especially since you now know what NOT to do. Best wishes! ❤
@@MissTXTee 🙏🙏🙏 when I became a mother I had to truly put my life into perspective
I realized that I have to be the best I can be in order to lead by example
It’s a struggle to keep my mouth shut and not lash out but sometimes silence is the best thing to do that will lead to a much better outcome
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. I got a lot of insight from it.
Man i never thought about taking things personal as a defense mechanism, mind blown. It makes sense and helps to put alot in perspective, thank you!!
I'm a new subscriber and just want to say how refreshing it is to hear a professional talk about this topic on TH-cam. I'm so tired of hearing how anytime you feel wronged, then you must be suffering from narcissistic abuse. That term is thrown around so easily, and I've seen many families suffer from labeling loved ones in that way. I so appreciate you! Giving us the tools to work on ourselves rather than encouraging us to play the victim is beyond valuable in today's society. Thank you!
Yes this 💯
"Don't believe everything you think." Great advice.
I struggle with this severely. I take even the smallest things in offense and become extremely defensive. Then I get angry and I am very confrontational. Some things are so insignificant the other person doesn't even realize they said anything but I turn it into huge conflict. I become convinced that I know exactly what the situation is and don't give the other party a chance to even explain their side or put in 2 words. When people apologize, I am unable to accept it. I tell myself I forgive people but I keep throwing everything in their face even years after. I have no friends, strained family relationships, and now in process of getting a divorce. I feel helpless because I've realized this issue multiple times and yet have not been able to make any progress. I've gone through traumas in my life but at 33 I feel like I should have been able to work on myself. I've been doing therapy and it's not helping. Sometimes I feel like I will never get better. Sometimes I feel like only solution is to leave this life.
Please wish a healing for me if you can. A lot of the times I can't even stand myself anymore.
One of the most important things I ever learned was the title of a book.
“It was on fire when I laid down on it!”
Years later I made up another catchy phrase:
“If something is messed up, somebody somewhere wants it that way!”
And one more: “It can be done by someone else tomorrow!”
Have a good day!
@@generator6946 I am not sure what this means but thank you for your response nonetheless 😊
You might try a shadow work book or journal. I mean at this point it can't hurt right? if you think about it you really got through the hardest part. Just self-awareness so be proud of yourself for that and find ways to go even further.
I have been struggling a lot with the same,but lately I am learning that my opinion might not make sense to the other party whether I’m right or wrong!!
My advice to you is to walk away at times and ignore some of the peoples opinion,you are human they are human you both deserve peace and respect to one another.Heal and let go!!sending you love and comfort
Maybe you need a new therapist? Are you neurodivergent? I have ADHD, and come from some trauma, so my self esteem is just trash, and putting therapeutic things to practice is harder because of these things. I write things down and review them, practice like I’m in college on the subject, reminders in my phone to work on them. Change is hard. Virtual hug.
The thrree steps to stop taking things personally - all three were missing from my life (age 7 to 70). I now have a grasp on all three...and I already feel the difference.
Me too.... 😮 Byron Katie has a teaching on this topic... FREE .. TH-cam her❤
I've been criticized for everything growing up and ALWAYS felt I had to justify myself....
I literally just got done taking something personally and dealing with the fallout from it. This was released 1 minute ago. I feel attacked, but I am going to watch anyway.
You'd better because it will obviously help you! 😅😂
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️
Perfect timing!
Litterally the same
Litterally
Only im 4 hours late to the party
Honestly, the vid put me in perspective 5 minutes in
But i already knew i was overreacting i just couldnt stop doing it, till i redirected my focus
I hope youre okay you human beeing
Hope you have a nice day
😂😂😂
What has helped me is adding this sentence to every judgement of others:”and they are doing the best they can.”
Normally I always joke in the comments saying “I feel attacked” but I actually feel relief. I know there are so many things I need to work on with myself & usually change takes action. Okay so when someone tells me let it go, don’t take it personally, stop thinking about it - all I hear is a non action and I’m like that doesn’t help. I feel like this is solid advice to help with putting the focus back on yourself & not in a bad ego selfish way. I always tend to get stuck in my head replaying things and turn them into stories and become the victim. Wouldn’t hurt me to watch this a few more times because I just kept nodding going yup that’s me!
I appreciate your insight on “let it go,” because that’s always how I took it, too. It’s a really good idea to interpret that as, “Focus on what you can control and what your values are.” That makes much sense, and hopefully will keep me from rolling my eyes as much at people when they tell me this. Thanks!
This is spot on! The more I think about things in my head the scenarios can spiral and my energy is no good.
I too am going to listen to this video a few more times.
And I appreciate the exercises to help us become better people. Thank you for sharing
You are not alone. We could be twins.
God put this video here so that I can be free of those triggers and live a better quality of life! God bless you
Yes!! You can’t control how other people act, but you can choose how YOU act/react. Love this.
As a person who uses social media a lot, this was sooooo needed and sooooo timely to see this
maybe get off social media, those of us that didn’t grow up with it already know not to take things personally. sad what you all have to deal with. gl
facts 💯 there's so many factors that don't go the way you expect and that makes you take things personally. I get so worked up and pissed off when people don't respond to my messages, for instance.
17:36 the pivot... the drama melts away!
Hallelujah !!! This can happen people!! I have been attending CHILDHOOD CPTSD therapy for two years and my self esteem has taken me to a place with self/parts integration and nervous system regulation... I've reparented myself to the point there is very little drama! No more living each day -jumping to conclusions!
Happy for you! Any good therapist can help with these issues
I just want to accept myself as I am
This isn’t helpful. I’m just saying
Which is what, exactly?? We see ourselves as a reflection of how others treat us.
Ooooo, okay. I need to not take the way my kids act personally. So important as a parent.
Yes, some people are awful. And yes, we do have to accept the fact that not everyone will like us, but that doesn’t mean it should be socially acceptable for someone to take out their anger on someone else for no reason. especially when the person who instigated it gets no consequences.
Thanks so much for sharing yourself and your own struggles with us. ALL my past councilors - from psychiatrists to social workers, and everyone in between - never shared their own experiences with life's challenges. Looking back, I think now that it's that affect I subconsciously perceived in each of perfection and loftiness that I didn't stick long with "professional" help and repeatedly wandered back to my old self with his bad habits, attitudes, outlooks, and negativity. "NO ONE understands me." I made excuse. I couldn't take their overbearing advice and felt I could never live up to anyone's expectations of me.
Just discovering you today, the first two of your videos I've just watched have moved my internal paradigms greatly; in minutes, not months and months of sessions... I feel hopeful again.
THANK YOU, Emma
I still haven't learned not to take things personally, but this helped me a lot to realice it. So thank you very much!
I just went through a moment where I was offended by an assumption made about my character and boy did it sting. While I did take some time to pause and think about the situation I was still feeling pretty peeved. I talked to them and expressed how I felt but they didn’t really respond so now I’m anticipating a second conversation. This video solidified some thought I was having letting me know I’m on the right track. 1) I had to ask myself “Girl, why are you so mad about something you know isn’t true. Just because you’re being accused doesn’t make you guilty” 2) I asked myself why is my go to defending myself in an attempt to make people see me the way I see me 3) why do I need this person to validate that I am a good person by giving me whatever outcome that would soothe my bruised ego? Some of this stuff was difficult to chew but it was the medicine I needed to proceed from now on. Thank you 😊
I understand the tendency to take things personally, and it resonates with my own experiences. Throughout my childhood, I received frequent criticism based on my identity and perceived shortcomings, which unfortunately led to internalized negativity. Now, at 40, I can still find myself taking things to heart. However, this insightful video offered valuable tools for managing such reactions. Recognizing one's core values and utilizing them for resilience is truly crucial. Thank you for sharing this important message.
Really resonated... Taking things personally, getting upset, certainly points to lack of boundaries on our part...
Thank you so much! I came to this video after an argument with my sister where I was complaining about people being overly fragile and needing everyone to tiptoe around and not hurt their feelings. Ironically when she pushed back and we started arguing about it, I became totally disregulated and resentful towards her for having a different perspective. I guess I felt like she thought I was a bad person for not being more sympathetic… and I immediately became the kind of person I was complaining about: fragile and defensive. I needed this video 😅🙏💖
I just bumped into this video, while I'm being moody and 'offended ' by a trivial thing that i did overthink. I am going through burnout in life, and trying to still get on with life. So i am fragile. I am unable to put into words what i am feeling, and your video is just putting all the words together to explain it the best way. Thank you for this ❤
finally, it feels like i can actually understand how to make better boundaries. i feel as though other people always say "make clear boundaries" without explaining what exactly boundaries are. For a long time, boundaries just sounded like ways to limit other people, which is why it never made sense to me what making good boundaries looked like cuz that just didnt sound right. I love that you worded it as "As soon as you pivot away from, "He needs to stop offending me" toward "Hmm, do I actually need to change anything?" the drama like melts away. These are clear boundaries." That makes much more sense to me on how to make boundaries and how to create that distance so i learn how to not take things personally
I feel like this channel/video was literally made for me. Goes over everything I'm struggling with in thorough detail. You pinpointed and clarified everything I'm going through, and then some. Really appreciate this content, and you taking the time to do it!
You have always been my mentor, even though we don't know each other. Whenever I face personal problems, I turn to your videos. Today, your video helped me tackle a significant issue, teaching me to adjust my thinking and avoid taking everything personally. You have been helpful to me as well as many others who have been going through many health challenges!!!
Thank you so much for your wonderful videos!
I think God gave you the gift to heal and touch other people's hearts. May God continue to bless you.
Lots of hugs and love!
I agree. She has the gift to touch and heal other peoples heart. She smiles with pure joy and patiently explaining one by one. Her video is better than some other self help therapy videos I've watched before.
Drama?
Oh hell yeah...
For some strange reason I acquired my mother's negative attitude/DEMEANER.
And you're right about being insecure and sensitive.
I also react right away.
I'm from Argentina and fortunately we been trying to avoid comments about people's apparency but still is really common here. Love your videos, thanks and abrazos!
This is going to change my life. And my families life for the better. Thank you. For myself personally it wasn't offense. It was being hurt. But 99% is so true.
I took offense when I over heard my coworkers speaking ill of me. Which resulted in me isolating myself and made the situation 10x worse
Yes. Me too your not alone
well sometimes it depends..the mere fact you heard the talking about you is off, and its really offensive. well even in that situation we should really have to control our reaction?
This is the most amazing, wise and helpful explanation of how to deal with this issue I have ever heard. I will save this to my videos and will watch several times. Thank you for your beautiful work and authentic approach ❤
Thank you this is sooo constructive for me and I know exactly what to do to get out of my constantly offended, passive aggressive and lonely prison. I just love your infectious and loving, straightforward and happy style of delivery.
Thank you so much! I watched this 2x, then sent it to my partner. It’s helpful to hear the internal process of what’s going on when he’s lashing out defensively.
I gratefully learnt all of this in AA decades ago but I still appreciate hearing it from a respected professional 🙏😊
What is AA ?
@@xaxaxa12alcoholics anonymous
Emma, you’re incredible. I have archived this video to watch again in the future. I’ve realized I’ve done some work on myself in this area, but have a long way to go, but the way your broke it all down actually felt encouraging and made me feel a true desire to shed old habits and grow. Your work here and in other videos is extraordinarily appreciated. No non sense, direct, yet empathetic and overwhelmingly positive. Thank you!
She is trying to empower us. Sometimes it is a bitter pill to swallow. That we are the ones that need to change. Not others.
Absolutely and it does invalidate that people are treating us like jerks, but helps us understand how to help ourselves in those types of situations
She is not saying that we are the ones that need to change. When we are secure and receive a comment we are the ones to decide whether we MAY need to change, according to what WE want to be.
I didn’t take it that way. What you said sounds like negative talk…like everyone else is good and you’re the problem.
I took it more to say that we focus on our half and what we can do about it and how we might improve on because that’s what’s within our control.
In a perfect world, the other person would do the same thing!
It’s not about right or wrong but rather understanding that…it isn’t always about who’s right and who’s wrong 😊
No. We can't change others. They're often the problem but haters gonna hate so we have to ignore the hatred. THAT'S a bitter pill.
I lived in Italy and was constantly being overly sensitive and reactive to their comments about my weight!
This is the perfect video for me today, thank you!
This is really good! When you said loudly cleaning I couldn't believe it since we grew up with a vacuum cleaner that was used to express offense.
I have to tell you how much I like your videos , they are extreamly informative and uber helpful. That being said I always feel and think that the battle with in me keeps telling me there is no real help or cure for the overwhelming problems that are inside my mind . I will say the battle inside is most times too much to even begin to stop ,breath ,calm down , take a moment , examine , redirect , or what ever it is to do . My fight or flight is on and there is nothing but seperation from what ever it is to help. your vids have helped me pinpointing what the cause of my issues are and that is amazing and cuts back on the isolation . I am rambling on but in my way I am thanking you for your help and support .
I love my therapist, but man, I got more out of this video (on this subject) than I have in the past two years working with her. We work on other things as well that she’s very helpful with, but you really nailed it with this particular subject for me. So helpful! Thank you!!
This is terrific stuff! And I'm excited to find that I (to some degree, at least) have navigated a recent misunderstanding with some of these insights/practices in play. I had to muddle through on my own, but I'm now feeling okay with how the dust has settled, and it's a good to be reminded that I"m only responsible for me. Really loved the quote, "Don't believe everything you think." Priceless!
I don’t think taking things personally feels good at all. It makes me miserable.
I agree. I feel this video is conflating using personal offense as a form of aggression within interpersonal relationships rather than deep issues with very low self-esteem and self-worth.
Yess 💔
@@lifestylecreepIt is a form of aggression, because you have to cut someone down to be a victim. You don't listen because you proved the point.
I agree I'm sure this is not always the case but I can absolutely see how someone close to me uses their personal offense to justify their reactions either before or after the offense was made- whether it was made intentionally or not. They are very easily offended almost like they have no emotional maturity or boundaries within themselves, which they could have if they really wanted to. We aren't talking about someone young.
When they get offended they make sure everyone knows about it, or they'll use it to guilt trip others because "poor me I'm the victim you're/they're jerk so now you/they have to give me that vacation I wanted or else" so yes in a vindicative way, it clearly does feel good for this particular individual to be offended in a probably masochistic sort of way. They refuse to seek psychological help or therapy. Clearly they're happy with constantly living in their own world of offense.
Even if it does come from low self esteem or self worth due to a horrible childhood and painful personal tragedies- which they always remind you of by the way- i don't believe that justifies taking it out on others in this way. This just magnifies and spreads the hurt like a disease, instead of healing and giving advice on how to heal.
Wow wow wow just wow, you’ve opened my mind. Knowing that being offended is one of our self defense because we feel threatened actually makes me realize that it was really is normal and no reason to make it as a big deal. It’s like every living thing has it’s own defense mechanism, we’re all just same ( in that context)
This really comes from a place of integrity. When you demonstrate and live what you are wanting to receive things will change. To really do this though, you must live every second of life with extreme integrity. That means doing the right thing when NO ONE is looking. We do this so when people are looking it’s second nature. This fosters a life of worth and security in your own self efficacy and creates a totally internal locust of self control.
Hi there, thank you for all the pointers you put together. Concisely and clearly, This really helped me understand why I “was” taking things personally. It has been an obstacle in my spiritual inquiry of “who am I?” .
A spiritual inquiry into “who am I?” has totally brought up ways I identify with a sense of myself as inadequate, unworthy and invaluable ‘person’ and why I have been trying to prove myself and convince people of who iam. The little glitch is that I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I have always been very intuitive, all my life. I intuitively agree with you and what you said and it immediately resonated with me.
I have never been aware that someone else’s approval and their validation of me is not required to be confirmation of who iam. I have always been a proactive person, open and communicative. I just have to dismantle the belief that I need an outside approval and/or validation.
Thank you soooooooooo much.❤️❤️❤️
This is SUCH a good video. The locus of control is explained so well. Maybe in a future video you can dive into people that feel over-responsible and cannot really feel like what is their responsibility and not, for example due to OCD and/or religious trauma. Some people tend to not act out towards the other person, but towards themselves, and I can tell from my own experience that that is very difficult hehe. What I do is to try to talk to myself like I would to a friend.
Ooh that's a great topic, I'll add it to my short list
Yes!
Be your own best friend!
Oh my gosh! I am so happy I found this video.
I needed to hear this. I seem to think everything is about me when it is not.
This was so helpful. Puts things in a whole other light. Thank you for the perspective shift and examples of what to work on.
Leon Fontaine has a really awesome sermon called the spirit of offense. It is very helpful and interesting to watch.
The manner in which you use music to begin and end the show is beautiful. It makes the whole video feel natural and without the typical clinical feel. Also, I needed to see this today.
This is the single most important than my I have ever heard about me. Thank you. I hope I can heal myself so I can can be a better part of my other relationships.
I am in the process of taking things personally currently and this could not be more aptly timed. Thank you for the wisdom!
I can assure you that I am one who takes things personally but it’s not intentional. Honestly, I want to stop it because I know that it’s not serving me. You are so right. It’s the stories that we tell ourselves that can contribute to our taking things personally. Our insecurities can indeed wreck havoc on our minds, forcing us to think very undesirable thoughts about ourselves. Thanks for sharing this with us. Keep going.
I can SO relate to this. My husband is the son of Chinese immigrants, who (culturally) were VERY different from me. So, there were lots of things that got lost in translation or were misunderstood. They thought I was weird, I thought they were rude...It was a mess lol. I can look back on it now and laugh but going through it, it was very challenging on our relationship. I had to learn about things that were not culturally accepted here but totally normal in China. I had to take my ego out of it and understand that if I'm going to be a part of this family, I have to be open, patient and not take everything as a personal attack. Thanks for sharing your story! it's comforting to know that it's quite common to take things to heart especially if you're more on the sensitive side.
Oh boy curiosity and growth. I love this short lesson, but do I keep forgetting the wonderful words of wisdom and getting defensive 🤔 ? yes ! I need to watch at least once a week to get it into my head. This is how I want to behave ! Thanks so much for this.
Excellent video, going to watch again. My challenge is my mother-in-law, which is hard, because we are so different. I keep trying hard, but then getting upset by her response.
The number one reason we take things personally, cultural differences notwithstanding, is the Ego, as was mentioned also. Great video.
This is very helpful. And it’s true that taking responsibility for what you can control makes for a much happier life. And that taking time to reply and reflect without being inflammatory in your response and checking in with what they mean is helpful as is knowing your own values. I would add that assertive communication in some situations is important esp at times where someone is clearly trying to emotionally test you or repeatedly uses you as an emotional punch bag - even if it’s not about you. As in a very calm ‘I won’t be spoken to like that’ or ‘I appreciate you’re upset but if you continue to raise your voice I’ll have to end this conversation’ etc. It’s not to change their behaviour it’s more to vocalise what your values are and what you are and aren’t willing to accept which is a powerful message. And how you process things internally is also important but people can try to take advantage so while not showing you’re bothered is the best solution in most cases, some people need to hear what your boundaries are x
Yes true. Knowing when to hold your tongue or speak up is a gift. Good timing is important. People certainly aren't mind readers.
One tip that really helps me is "Discern the difference between your feelings and others' intentions"
I think some second order thinking would add to this advice: that is, best practices to "let it go", as some people might be justice-oriented and think if some does you wrong, it is not a matter of ego being hurt, rather, a wrong ethically imposed that requires some form of justice? That is where it gets more difficult. Further, the negative energy they impose you on, that has to be directed if it is absorbed. It is nice to think we can just shake it off, and maybe some can get that stoic, but if someone is rude to me, I feel a sense of justice to apply that back at them, giving it back, not out of ego, but a moral duty involving teaching. It isn't personal for me, it's more so universal: I don't want that person to keep doing that to other people. Example: trying to help a customer at a retail store and that customer is taking out their bad day on the sales rep trying to help. There is a power dynamic which is unfair and then the customer being demeaning or rude. Brushing it off seems fine, but then this behavior continues. I think a more moderate remedy might be beneficial not only to both parties but whatever party that troubled customer encounter in the future. Being stoic, at times, only further enables bad behavior. There are times to be defensive beyond protecting the ego.
I understand and agree with this. I had to leave a group that defended their "ironic" racism and got abnormally aggressive when I politely called it out. I was belittled, not taken seriously and left when I discovered I was always treated as an outsider on top of that. But there are members in the group who could become dangerous if they continue their beliefs.
I strongly dislike mantras that say you have no control. Because the majority of people shrug their shoulders and say they can't make a difference, positive change isn't happening.
This 100%. You put it into words excellently! There are people at work that were rude to me and I was afraid to stand up for myself for fear of insubordination and retaliation!
I completely agree with what you explained in a very concise form, probably because I think the same way. Certain comments that offend us, regardless of cultural differences, or if the person has had a bad day, can cause great mental damage to the person who felt offended and/or belittled. I try to be very careful and respectful with any individual, I really do not intend to “serve as an example” or that I know better, but simply out of a greater sense of justice, so that such harmful behaviours don’t get perpetuated. I accept that people criticize me if I behave inappropriately without being aware of it, but there are more supportive and respectful ways of doing so. The big issue is that common sense is different for everyone, and also, in my opinion, it should be noteworthy in order to avoid misunderstandings.
I agree
think you need to unlearn the punitive mindset, bro. it is not real justice to just harm someone back the way they harmed you. that just creates more hurt people, not less.
I think she has done an amazing job of clarifying and defying what is when and all that. Very helpful and easy to digest.
Thank you!
My mother was a master at this and sadly she shaped me well, it cost me more then you can believe, including a wonderful marriage.
Hey same, but if they pick at us it does mean they know we're the ones who are capable of better than they could achieve, and they're salty. The women in my immediate family too, love to play the self pity, relationships never work out, always alone game, because they can't admit to how their own negativity contributes to their relational issues. I no longer see their opinions as having credibility, and yes it is a daily process of healing, and I do wish that you also no longer let another stop you from the life you want for yourself. Good luck
Yes bc I'm only having this taking offense thing with my mother. I feel like we're both the same, but I'm going to take the first step in bettering myself and just try and be nice and compassionate towards her as possible.
this was so helpful! thank you so much. I experienced an offense at a professional level from a client a few days back and its been bothering me as its a first in 20 something years. Its been keeping me occupied on what went wrong? this exercise helps.
Oh my gosh. There is so much to unpack here. I feel like you are speaking directly to me. Thank you for this video!
Nah, can't be. Cause she's talking to me ! 😊 Probly both of us...
I am a clergyman and wanted to applaud your sharing such valuable and proactive ways to help ourselves. You make the world a better place and I sense you are an old soul brought back to help and teach many needy ,psycho-spiritually thirsty people. Thank you for giving so generously of yourself and knowledge FREELY.. Be blessed. Dios Te Bendigo :))
This literally happened to me yesterday, what started as me complaining about a joint task with a coworker I started to take offense to their repsonses even after they specifically said they were not about me. I apologized this morning but that was after ruiminating for hours about it and I literally kept saying to myself, this is so silly just stop. I'm glad this video is out lol.
Thank you for doing these videos @therapyinanutshell! I cant afford therapy. 😭 Ive been getting increasingly snappy and defensive towards my family because I feel like nobody listens when I try to express myself. But I realized that I also need personal development. This is a great place to start!
Wow, this nailed me, thank you.. I just recently found your channel and I follow it and told my adult daughter about you too. I am learning so much about myself. I know I would benefit from personal therapy but I just can’t afford it so thank you so very much 🙏🏻🤗
I was bullied through my school years so I had lots of issues - low self esteem, no confidence, anxiety, depression - I never quite sorted out. When things came to a head in my 20's, I decided to go see a counselor. One thing he shared as a tool for responding to statements that trigger those emotions that I've never forgotten was, "This is what you said, but this is what I heard".
I plan to take every word of this video in to work with a new counsellor I'm seeing tomorrow, and spend the next six sessions that I have with her mastering every word. This is my worst problem in life. But it also stems from being the scapegoat child of my family so I'm almost pre-programmed to take offense, pre-programmed to get victimized. another excellent therapist on TH-cam described it as being coated in tar around abusers, they pick up on it. I have literally almost been abused daily by different people over the last 2 weeks because I received a birthday card from my sister a day before my birthday 2 weeks ago and have had nothing but ruminating thoughts on all the cruel things that my sister and father have done to me over thirty years, until I kick them out of my life one year ago. She should never have been sending me a birthday card because I have told her no contact so I literally had to send an email on my birthday that I would go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. so my mind has just been this cesspool of victimization so it's like I'm a magnet for it. But I will win this war. I will win with help from women like this. ❤
You are so brave doing this! Well done! ❤🎉🎉
@@rosemaryclarke2348 Thank you, that's very kind of you to say! hey if you're interested in watching the healing journey in real time I'm going to have playlists on forgiveness, on recording a neuroinguistic programming script to change patterns in your brain and follow up videos to see if it's working for me, and lots of other great content! Some of my first videos should be up in the next few days if you'd like to join the other two followers I have so far, and become my third. 😁
You will win the “ war” when you decide to win , it is only your thoughts that connect you now , xxx
My mother is this way which she taught me how to be this way as well. It's impossible to have a relationship with her because she gets so offended about everything. I have to unlearn this behavior so my children don't inherit it as well
What you are basically saying is to take a step back and put things in perspective. This is true many many times in my life experience and I concur. When someone criticizes you for something don’t promptly disagree and quickly be defensive. Most of the time it’s nothing to do with you at all but what that person is undergoing. In my experience I gain social points when I turned such unfair criticisms into self deprecating jokes which everyone admires
You are truly helping many people with your videos who are facing issues with mental health and anxiety. You are awesome ❤
The last time I felt attacked was yesterday. 6:05 Me and my sister were in my car, I was driving and motor cycle guys came and waved to our car and did heart signs. One even showed his phone and pointed it to my sister. The other kept waving and showing off to us. My sister was like: “this was the craziest thing that has ever happened to me!” I got I guess a little jealous but also confused because the guy showing his phone obviously was into her but the way she assumed the other guy was thinking the same was so annoying to me. It made me feel very ugly and unwanted. I felt so embarrassing saying out loud: “Maybe the other was waving to me”. She later told me she thought it was weird I said that and I was so disappointed in myself en took that personally. That’s why im watching this video rn lol
Something that has helped me not personalize others' opinions is telling myself, "He/she is not the one," that is, changing this person's mind will not create the change that, IMO, matters. There are people who, if their opinion of you or an issue changed, would matter. But this person is not that person.
Taking things too personally can lead to an embarrassing public outburst, but that can be a good thing. Malignant personalities do not expose themselves.
Thanks, Hayley! Lots of practical tips and I like your bright and breezy presentation style. Subscribed! I'd add that the converse of your advice also applies. As well as making things we ought to do more convenient, we should also make our favourite distractions difficult. For example when working from home, I use a different computer with work-related bookmarks set out on the browser toolbar. The bookmarks for websites I like are buried in a folder in a folder or not there at all.
When you tell others not to take things personally, you are SILENCING them, their pain, their traumas, their broken hearts. Insults, abuse, disrespect ARE VERY PERSONAL.
Amen ❤😢
Your content really helps me. You can be my therapist any day. It really resonates with me
Please can we have a series on this! We all need it!
Honey, Emma's whole channel IS a series!
I’m signing up! I’ve been praying for an answer to dealing with this on the daily!
More on this, please!
From a fellow therapist thank you so much! Not only for my clients but for myself you are an inspiration and I'm so grateful for what you do. God bless you. ❤🎉