No they will NEVER ADMIT IT! OUR 10YR old daughter ask me just yesterday, y don't dad ever admit hes not right lol im honest with her an i tell her daddy is a narc an explain it as well bc Hes mean then nice its confusing for a kid..Ive been with this pos 32 years and he can't fool me to much anymore
True. My narcissistic toxic MIL offended me recently. I broke down completely after that and have been avoiding any confrontation with her since . It wasn't the first time. Clearly she should've apologized to me but instead she took an offence. She didn't understand that it was her fault and she had crossed the line. Narcissist never apologize. They will offend you and can't accept it that you may feel offended and hurt.
After FINALLY distancing myself from my narcissistic sister (after FORTY NINE years of her torment) I get a call begging to come see me so we can sit down and I can tell her “what she’s done”. I simply told her, “you don’t have ears to hear”. Had to repeat that a few times before she stopped asking. Thankfully, contact was completely broken off within a year of that and my life has been SO MUCH better without her in it. Sadly, that really is the best way to deal with a narcissist - go no contact.
I'm going through the beginning stages of this now, only her tactic has been to turn to our mother and make her absolutely miserable while gaslighting her into thinking it is my fault because I "did this to them." It feels like I am losing my mother because she doesn't want to "abandon" my sister. Thankfully, my mother told me today that she (mom) will be starting therapy in the new year, so I have hope, but it has been so hard to maneuver and try to get her thinking rationally about what my sister tells her about me. I also made the mistake of leaving open a means of communicating with my sister. She sent me an email about xmas plans that was very self-serving and manipulative, so I didn't respond. By the 3rd week my mother broke my down that I needed to "teach her" (can't believe I fell for that) how to behave. So I wrote an email that was kind but firm and laid out clearly my purpose and expectations. Her response was very typical NPD. I have learned my lesson. This is hard stuff. I am glad you are doing better, dear stranger. Just know there is a rando on the internet who COMPLETELY understands and is rooting you on!
It took me 60 years to go no contact. I allowed them to steal from me, lie about me, con me, it was just horrible. I tried to be kind it never worked. I’m never going to have contact again, NEVER. At last calm & peace reign! 🙏🏼 Good luck to everyone out there struggling 💐 🇬🇧
Reading this it reminded me about my mother and my relationship with my adult sisters was like. I used to think I had a problem with a sister but then a few years after my mother died, I realised my mother was probably a covert narcissist and her main aim was to be central in all of our lives by playing us off against one another. She did this very subtilty. My sisters and I now have a more mature and better relationship with each other. Not saying this is your situation but your post was an opportunity for me to write this @@SuperMrsMar
When dealing with evil people, distance yourself ASAP and cut off all contact. Silence is killer to their ego, because then they have no access to you, which is what they crave in order to feed their insecurity.
I agree with you, however....I have a neighbour who thinks that the noise she makes does not affect others. I have learned to ignore her, but it is costing me my mental health, not to mention regular sleep.
1. Accept that they are unlikely to change (AS IS; narcissist is unlikely to change, because s/he doesn't think it`s her/his problem) 2. Do not take anything personally (they will criticize or compliment you, when it is in their interest: it has nothing to do with you) 3. Protect yourself (boundaries do not change their behavior, but they will protect you) 4. Believe behavior, not words 5.Validate your own needs; do not look to the narcissist to validate your feelings.
The criticizing, I was used to, but I remember one time he complimented me in front of other people and it felt so insincere. I immediately knew he was only doing it for show. I said thank you, but I could tell my words came out flat. I wondered if the other people could tell my thank you was as insincere as his compliment.
Thank you for sharing!! In my experience, I left my abusive narcissitic ex years ago & sadly my migraines came with me 😂 but medically speaking, this is often how it works? I've looked into it thoroughly so that's all good. Best thing ever leaving that toxic "relationship" which due to their what turns out to be "narcissitic personality" & mental health condition so I couldn't win that war either way it's positive I escaped their roller coaster of being in a situation"no win" 😂
Thank you so much for sharing this! This might actually save me from making a huge mistake. I have been getting to know and dating a guy, that shows signs of narcissism - at least two friends labeled them as much and explained to me, why. What accompanied the whole process of getting closer to him were extreme headaches and growing mistrust - I usually have neither. So reading your comment gives me the confidence I needed in order to let him go.
Agree. #3 I protect myself by becoming non emotional, staid even cold. But this is not the way to live also it means I have no friends because I don't let anyone in.
I'm in this exact situation right now with my Supervisor. I stood.my ground and now my "6th sense antenna" is flashing wildly...I can almost hear her plotting...
This is extremely true! I have never seen a small woman go from beautiful-friendly-kind-Christian to raging-bull-bitch in 0.23 seconds like I've seen my Wife do multiple times in the past six years. Fortunately, I'm a lot stronger than she is so I've been able to withstand everything she's done to me physically with almost nothing to show for it. Damn't, but I'm exhausted.
Speaking for myself, living with a narcissist. Their constant lying, projecting, rewriting the ltruth” of what happened. Causing you to be confused, unsure of what really did happen etc etc etc, CAUSES dementia in the normal person. This is a big deal. It’s a hazard of living with these people.
This is 100% correct. Those who were raised in such an environment typically suffer from c-ptsd. The inability to remember things is a common symptom among those with c-ptsd. I was told it's one of the factors that are "checked off" for diagnosis. When I say "inability to remember", I'm not talking about forgetting the vacation you went on when you were 20. I'm talking about not being able to read (learn) because you read one lie and immediately forget what you read. You read the words but the idea or meaning of the words is lost, does not compute. These sick people essentially steal your brain function.
Forget all that, Just leave them, you have a responsibility to yourself to be happy. I don't care if they're your spouse/ parent of your children, a Parent, sibling, or friend. LEAVE THEM !
Agree if you can. Co-parenting makes it impossible to be completely removed and some work and family relationships might make it hard to be completely removed. For instance, dealing with a narcissist sibling during an elderly parent’s health crisis or dealing with a narc co worker because they were assigned to the same project as you.
And if Codependant, bite your tongue, save every dime to leave! plan to leave, take steps! It's your life at stake!!!! seriously they are dangerous people!
The boundaries are for you. They have to be clear. If the N does such and such, then you will walk away. If, then. You have to follow thru with the consequences every time or you'll never be taken seriously. Of course the N will try breaking your boundaries, over and over. It's like training a toddler. You have to be consistent.
If you argue with them, it becomes a full blown tirade, degrading insults, humilliation, shouting, etc....If you choose not to speak or answer them, its the same result because you are ignoring them by not answering..
I choose to not say anything and walk away. In my experience it helps teach the narcissist that throwing a temper tantrum is not going to get them the results they are looking for. I feel if you argue back and give them attention you are rewarding them with narc supply.
Yes, the attempt to not answer and to ignore them will also bring you enormous terror in possibly various ways. It did at least in my case. I had a covert narcissist in my life who pretended to be a friend. I've "known" her for 4 years. She kept her mask for about almost 3 years. Though it was leaking through from time to time... As soon as I noticed something was seriously off I carefully & slowly tried to keep more distance from her. At first she didn't notice because luckily she was so buisy at work. But as soon as she noticed she got even more demanding for contact, almost aggressive. I found myself trying to come up with 'understandable reasons' for not being able to meet her. Then her behavior got confusing and irrational to an unexplainable extend... Daily message-bombing, insults, shaming, blaming, turning her parents & younger sister against me, terrorising my husband, trying to ruin my reputation by telling lies, spreading rumors, playing victim etc. During this constant terror and all the self-blaming etc. I did my research on personality disorders. After I found out about the covert narcissist everything made sense and I was in deep shock how I got myself into a devastating circle with vicious scum like her. Long Story short: From that moment on I stopped any further attempt to "solve" the situation and went no contact. For months she continued her vicious behavior. My husband and I recently moved to another region of the country, (not because of her but in fact) it was the only way to free ourselves from her entirely. It's been almost a year since I went no contact with the despicable brat and my rage and disgust for her are still burning inside of me. I usually am all for forgiveness but in cases of narcissists it's different. They have no humanity in them, no empathy. Of course it's not healthy to live on anger, so I am not saying hold on to your negative feelings towards them. But I am saying for your own good DON'T EVER give them the benefit of the doubt or think that they can be fixed - THEY WON'T CHANGE ! ! ! Go no contact with them and stay strong💪🏽🙏🏼 while they are desperately trying to destroy you even further. It's gonna be hard - but you can make it ! ! ! ! ! I know it's tremendously difficult if it's a family member (I have a highly toxic mother) and maybe no contact might not be possible in every case but close to non is. Stay strong everyone🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼You are not alone in this.
When that type of person, trys to get a reaction from you, I find, looking at them with a poker face and a steady gaze, sometimes disarms them, or treat them like you don't consider what they are saying to you, as all that important. Another one that often works for me is, pretend you didn't hear what they said. Some don't like having to repeat themselves. 🇬🇧
Good suggestions that were very useful during a dinner ambush at a restaurant, when my narcissist was on her third repetition of how hurt she was by my disobedience (lack of compliance with manipulations that consistently disrespected my one non-negotiable boundary). She even told me that she had intentionally done things because she was jealous and resentful that I had other priorities (which more correctly are responsibilities to clients). I finally said, "So what?" It visibly startled her, and she didn't have an answer so I continued, "So…. we're not going to meet for dinner any longer. If you would like to go to a movie, let me know and I will join you at the theatre if there is a time that works for me. What I do won't matter to you, because you will have wanted to go anyway." She brightened up and claimed that was the solution she had thought of. When I got home, a retaliation email was waiting, positioning her as a teary-eyed victim wanting only X, Y and Z from me, disdainfully accusing me of being incapable of delivering that, and angrily further detailing her displeasure with my shortcomings. I ignored it. I had to see her again a week later and truthfully told her I was fully committed to professional deadlines for the next two, maybe three, months. An email followed saying, "I have tickets for…!" I reminded her that I was fully committed. A few days later she texted, "I miss you!" I did not respond and have had six weeks of much lower stress, but the distracting residue of anxiety remains.
@@ThoughtForTheDay. pfew. Take more distance if you need. First I moved to another city, then even to another country. Not with them in mind consciously as a reason but I think it helped a lot.
Thank you Barbara! This video is it in a nutshell ‼️Married to a Narcissist for 27 years, raised our children, filed for divirce, 7 1/2 years later finally got my last settlement check after he stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. This is a perfect reminder to myself to never let anyone treat me like that again. Blessings to you! 😊
Me, suffering a lot and acting happiness in front of others..bcos my children are too young ..n I feel kindness to my husband, to leave him in a bad condition..I know it is not good for me..but I m helpless
"Believe behavior, not words" - I gave up twenty of my best years believing the words of a narcissist who swore that she would change her behavior. They are *VERY* convincing with their words. Seriously: believe behavior, not words. Someone whose behavior is constantly out of sync with their words is not forgetful; they are a liar.
Yes- others should not hurt us. We should protect ourselves. When we are happy alone, we can be healthy and loving to others since we are seeking nothing from them. We can’t and shouldn’t seek anything- from anyone.
Really straightforward and helpful, thank you! My oldest daughter has narcissistic and possibly histrionic personality disorder. For years I have been living in hope for her to heal, to wake up one day and be ok. Now she is in her 30s and I am finally beginning to accept that she is simply never going to change and I cannot take her abuse or just wait for things to get better. It is time to care about me.
I feel your pain. My 30+ son is narcissist and unfortunately tied to me financially, not standing on his own 2 feet. I've been trying to unwind the ties for more than a year but with no result. I feel very stuck! I wanted to believe things would change but I'm beginning to see they may never change and I am stuck with the debt he promised he would pay back 😢
Thank you for this video. It really helps me deal with my mother. I’m 55 and she’s 85 and only through recent years in therapy have I realised she is a narcissist & I’ve suffered from emotional abandonment as well as other things in my childhood. The rage she throws when she doesn’t get her way, the complete lack of empathy and if I do try to explain any hurt she has caused she spins it to my fault. My brother is her flying monkey & golden child as he gave her grandchildren and your “believe the behaviour” quote is 100% true for my mum and brother. 😢 Your video is a helpful source of therapy, thank you 😊
This helped a lot. I have been with my wife for over 33 years and married for 17 and in all that time I never expected to find she had narcissitic tendancies. One thing I have discovered is they often hurt someone to feel better about themselves, to feel powerfull, it's their primary weapon of choice, it's emotional blackmail by any other name and showing they hurt you is the payoff. The best action is to not let them see you are hurt or just walk away and never go back, but It's easier said than done. If were young again I would not get married have family or show too much love, some women see it as a weakness and will exploit it to the full. I'm 70 married twice and learned a very hard lesson.
You should not allow the evil in them, to stop you from loving, nor impact on the good in you. Kindness is something that will be reciprocated, even through someone else.
As a matter of self preservation, go no contact and never look back. Block them from your life and don't respond to them. It's the only way to deal with a narcissist. They'll try to trick their way back into your life but stay silent and don't give in. They're evil and will never change.
If you absolutely have to “deal” with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their “re”actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc`s victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
@@samhellion yeah yeah keep saying that, i'm sure they'll listen :P but, even if people wait to start dating till they're in their 20s, they should have a good grasp on boundaries beforehand right?
@@myrianrose3619wrong, teenage years are about experiencing relationships with abandon (most) and this the mind of a teenager ( most) is not concerned with mental behavior.
My Daughter is with a Narcisse and it is really bringing her down! I have tried to lift her up, but she believes what this man is saying! I am truly at a loss on how to help her! I want her to be free from this Monster! Your words have helped me today. I pray I can help my Daughter! 🙏
Until she is ready to see the light, you can't help her. If you accept that fact, it will be less stress on you. Sometimes we just have to let an adult be an adult.... even when it hurts us to see them hurt.
Understand the dynamic of intermittent reinforcement. Google it! It’s what keeps her hooked. Only when she understands it will she have the tools to free herself. 💗
Go no contact with her. Tell her why, and you are putting the ball in het court. Continuing to be there for her thinking you are helping is only enabling her lack of action to put an end to it all. See how she copes alone without your support.
Thank-you. What was interesting for me is that I had arrived at the same / similar conclusions for my own situation, although intellectually I would have not been able to have summarized it in any way close to the way it was done in the video. I realized the following: 1. Person will never change. I have to accept this now. 2. Their hurtful words and loving words are both paper-thin. 3. I must direct my energies elsewhere and get fulfillment from other things. 4. No point in trying to explain things to them. 5. Put up an emotional barrier.
Yes! It’s both great you figured it out on your own and it’s too bad we don’t do more education about this so you wouldn’t have had to! Wishing you health and healing and it sounds like you are on your way!
@@BarbaraHeffernan Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I have always been hesitant about ascribing labels to people as I am not a psychologist and furthermore, one's own bias must be factored in. That's why I like the proposal of not trying to diagnose others but rather focusing on self and what steps one should take to preserve self. In my case the issue pertains to my 19 year-old son (who lived with me since he was 12 and for whom I have now placed very firm boundaries) and on his mom who I see as a covert narcissist. A recent example (but frequent example) with her is that she ignores e-mails and whatsapps from me whenever it suits her. When this pertains to refund of medical aid claims the modus operandi is for me to ask her 2x (a week apart) for the refund and then the third time to threaten her with the Small Claims Court (I have already taken her there and won). At that juncture she complains about me always being threatening (but as I said this happens ALL the time). In response to her latest salvo I pointed out that silence / non responsiveness is passive aggression. Her latest salvo included a challenge to me to "find another way" and I responded by asking her to suggest a way that she would be comfortable with. Of course, lol, I got no response from her.
My girlfriend keeps telling me, "just talk to her." Now I know why I don't "just talk to her." The narcissist won't validate my feelings. MY FEELINGS DON"T MATTER TO HER! I feel sorry for her husband-partner. I feel bad about my girlfriend. But nothing's going to change. And I'm making other plans.
Super advice and something to share when appropriate. Wish I’d known this when younger 😂 may have saved me some problems. Narcissistic husband (Ex) and a mother with tendencies plus a dad that enabled her. What I have learnt from them has helped me help my children, so I’m grateful for that. Unfortunately we have a narcissistic coworker and I butted heads with her several times before realising 🙄 now it’s a case of picking up the pieces from younger coworkers who are just finding out what she’s like and trying to tell them it isn’t personal, very difficult for them as self-confidence is already low.
great tips. narc are experts in words and acting. don't ever reveal much of your info (ie. what u fear/concern) to them, because they will certainly use it against you.
The more information they have about you or about what’s important to you, the more control they have over you. They will definitely remember at a time when you least expect innocent conversations to be used against you.
Thank you for this wonderful and well delivered information. I am 59 and my 60 year old sister is a narcissist. We have had long periods of closeness as well as long periods of division. My last surviving parent just passed and her shameless greed is shining. I have been abused so much in my life from her and always have come back like a puppy wanting love. Always giving and supporting and so little in return. The last straw just snapped. The worst thing is we both live in the same small town and that will add difficulty. But I feel like I have been burned enough to realize my self preservation is much more important than a relationship with her. So I am grieving two losses at the same time as well as trying to deal with the inheritance issues. This video made it very clear that if I do not have boundaries, she will continue taking from me. My mom did not know the word narcissist, but always called my sister the “Taker” in the family.
My sister sent me a note in the mail 2000 miles away informing me of our mother’s death a month and a half ago. My sister let me know that she wouldn’t have told me had my mother told her to let me know.
I can relate, my sister is toxic too. I have tried to start a new life away from her as my anxiety levels always rise when I am going to be around her….but she has infiltrated my new group of friends and is trying to take over yet again 😮. I wish she would just disappear and go away….😢
@griswald7156 but, her husband doesn't want me near her. She, and I, share the same genetic condition. It is though he is afraid he will lose control over her, if I am around. I know her pain, and anxiety. He doesn't. I know natural ways, to make her feel better. But he relies, on her quack doctor. She really needs a naturopath. She claims he tried to sexually assault her, in the hospital. Her husband says she is making it up. I believe her!
I have been such a fool for so many years. I now realize the reason for so much of what has gone on. I have been feeding narcissistic supply for many many years. This is such an eye opener for me.
Me, too. Realized it way to late in life and now my mom is ill, so I am there for her, but there are times I don't really feel like being empathetic toward her because no matter what I do to help her, it's never enough. She told me tonight about all she did for me as a kid when I was sick. Forever throwing things like that in my face. Wish I stayed further away years ago, but now, I am obligated, and she is very difficult.
I am now in a place that s not easy. I am sorry but you can't just leave in every situation. I am now dealing with this that I should have about 25 years ago.
When we have friends over my husband dominates the entire conversation, when I try to speak I am treated like an embicile and my opinions don't count. My confidence after 25 yrs is shattered.
Such an eye-opening video! Arguing with a narcissist is like playing a game you can never win. Your advice to focus on setting boundaries and protecting your peace is truly empowering. It’s a reminder that walking away and prioritizing self-respect isn’t weakness-it’s strength. Thanks for sharing these practical tips!
I just realized after writing my first comment that the "as-is" step starts with oneself. I have to start with accepting myself as-is. I knew that, but I think the idea just went from my head to my heart.
When a psychiatrist at our mental health clinic diagnosed our family member as having narcissistic personality disorder, he said that we had not caused the condition, we couldn’t cure them and we couldn’t help them. Your “AS IS” is the perfect label.
My father is an abusive narcissist and much of my family is. I came from affluent means, and they will do anything to enrich themselves and nobody has ever made me feel as bad about myself as these family members. I stayed too close because of my kids and they have nearly ruined my life. I now suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression. It’s a long story. I am also a 9th grade dropout who spend over a decade working toward my college degree. They gave me hell for that every step of the way. I’m now finishing graduate school and will take my psychotherapy exam after 1800 hours. And I’m still not right from this experience. It’s so severe I cannot feel my hands for months at a time. I say this to warn people, stay away from narcissist. If you remain close they can and will destroy you and feel zero remorse. Even people like me, in my profession, cannot combat it all of the time.
Congratulations on finishing graduate school & good luck on your psychotherapy exam. You've come a long way to get there - just keep moving forward with your life.
The only way to heal and protect yourself is to have a relationship with jesus Christ. He knows your innermost being. They are sad people who probably carry an evil spirit which torments them. Go no contact. They won't change unless the evil spirit is removed by jesus Christ
The 2:27 mark, 🤣 a few months ago i was watching a video about narcissism. My narc husband asked me what i was watching, i told him I'm researching narcissism, he asked why. I pointed at him, oh he got mad, stopped talking to me for a week. 🤣
Just a few days ago the same thing happened to me. Wife asked me what I was watching (she always probes if she sees my interest isn’t on her) I told her it was a clip about Narcissism. Her face went blank and she went speechless. Made me think she’s familiar with it. I suspect she may have been labeled that by someone earlier in her life. In any case, that video showed up on TH-cam so I watched it. Oh my God! About halfway into it, I suddenly woke up and realized that I’m not crazy. I felt about 14 years of abuse completely explained. Since that moment I have begun shoring up my boundaries and dealing with my narc wife in a new way. This is my first step in reclaiming myself and I’m genuinely relieved that I now know what I’m up against and the more I research the stronger I get.
ok, even if he wasnt i can imagine one wouldnt be pleased but i dont doubt you judgement of course....or is this a typical narcissistic remark? God save me....
Oh my. You nailed it! I was raised by a covert narcissist, then I was married to one for seven years. Thank you so much for your videos and self-help resources… So eye-opening for those of us adults who grew up in crazy environments, were left with wreckage in our hearts and minds, and now have to learn how to pick up the pieces and try to heal.
Very interesting material. My daughter in law has had many jobs. You have helped me figure this out. I believe believe in an interview she talks a good line. But doesn't have the goods or actual credentials to do the job. Her picture of herself is not real. Or if she gets a job it doesn't last long because of her bougy attitude and can't get along with people. Meanwhile my son has become a workaholic to catch up the money. She doesn't let him know what she is really making . The sad thing is he believes her. He's such a good person. It just worries me he is gonna get sick as he gets older. But I can't tell him anything. He defends her every lie..she know I'm on to her for years. I try to stay independent. I am concerned about my son. That's it. Thank God there are no children.
That is the trouble having had narcissist parents, it grooms you for all narcissists. Narcissists look for that Behaviour in a person, they know who is and who isn’t. Already trained. Once you know the dynamic, you can change your life and start protecting yourself,,
Have you ever dealt with victim shaming? I'm a victim of a narcissistic spouse & I'm shamed constantly. I'm taking my life back into my hands day by day, 1 step at a time. I'm in support group. Friends & family are hard on me & constantly say, "but, just leave." Easier said than done, but I know what I'm dealing with & doing my best.😢
I am in a similar life circumstance, except my support group is my animals and my writing. Both were taken from me nearly two years ago and I about gave up, sank into alcoholism and despair, realizing that I had allowed this to happen to me didn't help. Then, by the Grace of God, and random gift from a perfect stranger, a book on Buddha Quotes, changed everything. This little book was my only possession aside from a blanket and became my daily mantra, they gave me a foot hold in the sinking pit of despair. I soon was able to hold my head up, look at myself in the mirror, and give myself the love and respect I deserve. I wish I could say that I have moved on from the one that caused so much grief, but alas, I'm still here, but not being guided blindly for his own amusement, I know I have a choice to not accept his opinion as my own. I am also an empath and dealing with understanding my gift and my purpose is what I have been focusing on. I don't know why I don't leave, maybe lack of support or lack of confidence or maybe something more. I don't know where I was going with this, sorry. thank you
Be thankful your family and friends are urging you to leave. Listen to them. They have your best interests at heart. My family begged me to "PLEASE try one more time". I said no, and explained why in detail to the one person who might understand. I don't know whether she actually understood, but at least she quit begging me. I am almost completely no-contact now. He's actually nice to me now, but no way do I believe he's sincere. He just wants me back so he can Lord it over me again. No way.
No one can tell you to just leave. They don't understand how hard it is. When you build yourself up you'll know when it's time. God will open the door for you.
Wow never looked at #4, is MY behavior reflecting what I want to communicate (i.e. I will NOT tolerate this behavior - but then I continue to stay and let them abuse, manipulate, etc. ME) - wow - that was an eye-opening moment for me - thank you! i have never heard it put this way.
As for number 4, "Believe behaviour not words", I definately agree. At the same time kind of the opposite can also be true: a narc can exhibit 'normal, even friendly' behaviour, while repeatedly making mean remarks to break you. The mean remarks are aimed to make you feel bad, doubt yourself, threaten, change subject, deny a reality, ... ofcourse WHILE behaving friendly. So yes, look at the behaviour, but also look at the words. There are different types of narcissistic games.
I absolutely agree with you. Example: my "mother" has often "nice" behaviour (mostly when she's with other people) but her words are cold, mean. And the other way around, both are correct observations. Also.. They can fake being good continuously through the day, every day, but they can't help showing their coldness through their eyes/gaze and their voice.
@@enlumineresse I recently was in a groupcourse. There was a woman who was extremely friendly, always positive, charming etc. She was little and people said she was 'cute'. She would softly touch my back when speaking to me, ask information, and even hugged me every time at the end of the course. Then I learned someone was talking very negative about me to the leaders of the group. I didn't know who it was. After 3 weeks my relations with the other people were affected by it. Then it became clear that 'little cute woman' was the snake, snitching around about me in a 'victim' way. The amount of backlash I received from her was very different then her 'cute' behaviour in public. The amount of negative and stalking textmessages I received from her weren't very 'cute' either. Other people in the group also received negative messages about me. BUT, even that SAME day, she behaved very 'cute' to me in public ... . Her 'charming' behaviour had a destructive influence on the whole group. The people leading the group didn't see through it, which made it a lot worse. At the end of the course she gave her personal gifts to the leaders. Not a group gift, but a personal cute gift. Very charming indeed. One hour later she was texting again ... . To me, to others, ... . Very charming and positive behaviour in public ... not so charming words in the shadow of her life. The overall message was that she is the victim in all kinds of situations, not strong enough to stand up for herself. But before you realise there are some knifes flying around, and some end up in your back ... . Victimhood ... very powerful narcissistic strategy. The real victims, the targets in these narcissistic games, are usually not recognised.
This is indeed common NPD behavior. But this is the behavior that we are being warned about - their two faces, their charming way of pretending to be a victim of one person in order to gain control over many people. Very sick. @@geertruivanbroekhoven7209
This information made me open my eyes in how to deal with my mother. I would actually tell her how her words and actions made me feel and it was like talking to a wall. I love my mom but I cannot be around her for long because she triggers anxiety, ptsd and depression in me. 😢
Me too! You’re not alone. They are disgusting! I have to constantly tell myself to accept her for who she is and do not get attached. Otherwise she will twist my mind and heart.
Narcissus concentrates so much on blaming others for how they feel and how their lives are so messed up because life just isn't always good or fair. But as an adult- put on you grown up pants and start being an adult and get over it! It doesn't matter how many times you were disappointed and got upset - you are an adult now- so stop acting like a child. Stop blaming anyone. Just look in the mirror and open up your eyes and ask yourself what I have learn or should be learning from My past experiences and how can I use them to help me now to become the person I want to be today. Stop blaming others and stop labeling yourselves with some mental disorder to get attention. Just grow up and be all that you can be. Every person alive lives through life experiences. You are no different . Bear your cross and move on in life knowing you got through it all and are now a better person because of them and able to be living your very best life now. It's on you now.
It hurts but you just described my mother. I realised myself that she was a narcissist since before I was born, although I needed a few years to see that see fits all the requirements. My boundary is distance and it does help to keep me sane.
Yes times a million! This is saving my life right now! They lie to get what they want. They emotionally abuse for their own selfish capital gain. Be ahead of the game and pay close attention to what their story is from their past it will tell you everything!
I have a narcissistic brother and sister. I had put up with their abuse and put downs for years. I decided to go no contact a couple of years ago, the best thing I ever did. I would recommend it.
They just moved to the town where I live and find myself sucked into hoping they would love me but it’s always me feeling high anxiety and useless and why am I alive when I have interactions with them
Thank you for these tips. I had to escape from the narcissistic environment my mother created. Till this day she blames me for abandoning her. I had to stop telling her if something wasn’t going as well as it should cuz she’d also blame that on the fact that I left at 18. Anything that could possibly be going on she would blame me and that event. I left because of physical and mental abuse. My father tried stopping her from hurting me several times throughout my life. Little did I know that he was the scapegoat before me. He left and then shortly after so did I. She’s mad at him to this day and mad at me as well for trying to better our lives without her. I’m happy I at least have my dad to talk to when I need to vent about life.
Thank you for sharing. It doesn't mean we have to stop loving them, when it comes to family, but it is important to understand that they are looking only for their best interest; They have egocentric personalities.
I am student of spiritually and my Sufi master told me. Narcissistic people have hell bond souls you can never change them. Batter keep away yourself from them. Your lectures are good. But no cure for them in this world. Specially if you get married and you know person is narcissistic then quietly leave them. Because after kids it’s hard.
I just learned about a “leviathan spirit”. Very true that they have a hellish bond. You don’t want to tangle with them. They are indeed extremely dangerous. I have been helped by God during moments in their presence but it takes weeks to detoxify from being in their presence.
My husband of 44 years told a pastor in counseling that I was the narcissist. The first sentence out of the gate. The pastor who really did not know me well, said that he was right since I say the word I. 😮 another pastor said that is heinous to take his name off checking when he spent all his money and mine to for first 30 years and we lost 3 cars and a house and had electricity turned off. Preservation had to happen even when these pastors were blaming me.
All your tips are very good and true. I once said to my ex (a covert narcisist) 'action is louder than words...'. He didn't agree. Of course not! Maybe after 5 years of silence from my part, he knows by now what I meant... But I don't care anymore😊!
It's probably best to leave a relationship like this, rather than find ways to deal with their behavior and your feelings, when you can't have a normal relationship with a caring person. They are time wasters.
Time for honesty, perhaps. My marriage has been problematic for 44 years because my husband has a narcissistic personality. It took years for me to realize that his personality was set deeply in his very soul. He could not, cannot, comprehend that the way he relates to me is not conducive to harmony. I have tried to explain to him that his short-tempered response to every stimuli was unacceptable. I am his target. He needs someone with whom to be verbally abusive. It’s me. My husband is not a patient or spontaneously helpful person. He expects me tackle every problem on my own and then scathingly criticize how I managed the task he shrugged off. The plumber, the painter, the car insurance, the lawn service, the bill paying, the doctor appointments. You name it. I am now waiting , at age 81, for either him to die or me to die. It’s beyond too late to leave. Yes, I know. Let my story confirm that no matter how many good traits a life partner has, narcissistic behavior builds deep resentments that destroy a relationship. You cannot treat your partner the way a narcissist feels entitled to do and be loved . You kill it with your own voice.
If you can't be yourself around someone let them go. If narcissists don't respect your boundaries, then the only option I feel is to walk away. I had to walk away from my brother with no contact.
Coming from a family and inlaws rampant with narcissistic behavior, the amazing thing I have noticed is they seem to get along. The best I can figure, narcissistic people know what upsets them, so they naturally avoid similar social interactions with other narcissist. Yet, somehow are able to derive others without that syndrome, and attack. They plan that attack though, usually when there is no witnesses, or when an opportunity they perceive as weakness is presented.
Go ‘no contact’ get them out of your life. My life has never been better since I went no contact with advice from psychologist and now I am free from narcissistic abuse 😅😅😅
nice one Barbera . what you have said in 7 minuets clarified my past , dysfunctional 40 forty years , and you've made me feel happy , and now moving forward . thank you ,clive ,
Thank you for this, I am a thirty-five-year-old empath and I have within the last year had my first encounter with a narcissist and unfortunately it was to enter into a relationship with this person because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. So thank you because this video has helped me out a lot and understanding how I need to deal with him, or rather apparently how not to deal with him. Any and all further content as far as this topic is wonderful for me right now, any and all recommendations or links or what-have-you would be amazing to possess. Be blessed and keep helping people out
After nearly dying from narcissistic abuse, here is my 6 step formula: Step 1) Get the hell away. Step 2) Get the hell away. Step 3) Take the fullest accountability: Notice you’re likely truly spotless. Step 4) Don’t feel guilty FOR ANYTHING. Step 5) Get the hell away. Step 6) Repeat steps 1 through 5, as needed.
00:41 🔄 Accept that narcissists are unlikely to change; understand and interact with them "as is." 02:20 🚫 Don't take anything personally from a narcissist; their compliments and criticisms are about them, not you. 03:13 🛡 Protect yourself with boundaries when dealing with a narcissist; focus on emotional, physical, legal, and financial protection. 05:00 🗣 Believe behavior, not words; a narcissist may use manipulative words without genuine follow-through. 06:21 🔄 Validate your own needs; don't rely on a narcissist for validation, seek support from a healthy support system.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Recently I read Franz Kafka's 'Letter to the Father' about his ill relationship with his father. In this book Kafka describes a metaphore about being locked up in a prison. While in prison, he has the option to make his cell beautiful and comfortable. But it remains a prison. If he escapes he will be free but can never return to make his cell beautiful. This was Kafka's dillema but it describes also perfectly the relationship I have with my father.
That describes my situation perfectly too. I’ve spent over thirty years trying to make a ‘home’ beautiful and the last couple of years, especially this year with the discard has become an absolute nightmare. I need to Leave this prison for good.
Wow! Right to the truth on to remind yourself not to try to explain or expect understanding . To hold on to your belief and set boundaries for yourself! Will listen to this over and over. Not to believe they can not be like that . They are.Thank you.
This was very helpful as I recently realized someone in my day to day life is like this. Sadly it took me over 20 years to realize it :( Thanks so much for the tips as I am 100% stuck here...
Thanks for this helpful message. Yes they are arch actors and manipulators and schemers. So much out of left field. And yes never be needy with a narcissist. Never smile at a crocodile if you don't want to get hooked. And then thrown to the crocodiles by the narcissist.
Remember that with "As is" This has a fundamental flaw if assigned too soon. When people first meet, there is a "honeymoon" phase which can last for hours, days, or even weeks with general social or work relationships to as much as a year or more for dating or marital relationships. Until this phase fades, you probably will not know the person's baseline for an "as-is" assessment. "Projection" is a common mental trait which probably afflicts most people to some degree and the narcissist to a great degree and may be intentional or not.
When I used to walk away from my now estranged husband he would go bananas and accuse me of running away. That used to sooooo frustrate me until I learned to respond by saying, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but it’s your opinion”. That frustrated him and I kept my sanity by not feeling I had to justify myself.
Thank you for distilling the rules of engagement-------imprinted on my brain for future use ! Went no contact 3 years ago and still sifting through words versus actions. Validating myself sums up a few more loose ends especially------ why wasn't he kind and responsive when I was in need. Got it ! More closure and I thought I was finished. They disrupt your inner character ,make you think it's all your fault. Thank you again for giving us a PLUS column for healing ourselves.
Manipulative bad to suit their own needs. Thanks for this video. Wished I knew this term before. I wouldn't be so down with myself. Now I am on top of the world. Just me now no argument. They won't change.
Thank you for this. I cut my mother (Narc) off recently. She told me if I try to have exclusive relationships with my brother or father with her out of the picture, good luck with that! She told me she wishes the worst for me. That I'm going to continue to suffer a hard life because I chose to be gay and that I am the burden that she had to raise. That her financial inconveniences and her sacrificing Labor was all my fault. Yeah. Yikes. This video is great. I've just discovered your channel. I've come back to the word narcissist as it doesn't really trigger me so much anymore as it's been a healing process, plus I've eased into the whole cutting off my mother thing by watching Dr House (narcissist), lol.
As if one can "choose" to be gay! How awful and pitiful that she cannot see that having a son is a gift! To tell a child that he is a burden is unconscionable. I hope and pray you will just do what you wish, enrich your spirit with people who appreciate you, engage with things that keep you growing, and remain positive. All the best.
Well that’s not bc your mom is a narcissist, it’s bc she lost a son, he’s dead, you chose to follow the road to perdition which anyone could follow instead of making the effort everyone else does to follow God’s Word. Hope one day you repent and give up that life and accept your salvation through Jesus. The homosexuals will go to hell as they are abhorrent to God, and I didn’t say it, God said it. I’m stating the obvious, your poor mom, God protect all moms from suffering such thing as you had made your mom suffer. God guide you back to Him, you’ll have to abandon the way you live, can’t be a Christian or close to God and live as an abhorrent to God, that’s just not possible.
A narcissist is spiritually and emotionally insecure in need of affirmation from self and others. While not intentionally provoking, the provocation is a misplaced interpretation of you. If someone feels stupid anything they think they see in you that shows them up cannot be tolerated. Thats one example of what self perception can do but there are more. Rather than disengagement maybe learning skills is needed. There is a fallout in marriages and family because no contact is now permissable. Most of us were taught to comply, deny, go with it which is injurious. Unless the narcissist also threatens or is guilty of physical harm one might want to consider learning how to gain upper hand. These teaching videos are helpful.
This was very helpful. Everything was so spot on and literally exactly a few of them I’m already practicing with my boundaries. I have more peace the last few weeks dealing with my sister who I’ve come to realize most clearly has these narcissistic behaviors…. For most of my adult life. Thank you so very much
I once shared a room with a narcissistic person. She often bomberded me her illogical personal issues. I pretended I was willing to listen to her. And knowing she wouldn't like my solutions, I drummed them into her head continuously. Naturally, she didn't like me doing it, so she avoided talking to me!!! I was free from her tantrum after that. Sharing the room never bothered me with her.
It's often more effective to remain calm, set boundaries, and prioritize your own well being rather than trying to win an argument with someone who is unwilling to listen or change
I think my envious, lying sister is a combo of an overt and covert narcissist. Once I realized she will never change for her lack of empathy, it became easier for me to decide on limiting her presence in my life. I longed so much for my family here in the States bc the rest of them are in another country, so I put up with her abuse. I believe it was the cause of my depression for a number of years. But now, I am over the depression and back to my happy self. Good riddance, great decision!
Just booted my 80 yo covert narc father out of my life for good. He recently completely dropped his mask, and had every reason to wear one. It is pure EVIL what we are dealing with ! Mean lying people with ZERO empathy.
Thank you fot the TH-cam algorithm that gave me the chance to meet you here today. I feel very lucky that there is a webinar 5 minutes later. Looking forward to meeting with you there. your comments and advice are so deep and meaningful.
I my experience, a narcissist can NEVER accept that they are in the wrong.
Yes. They're toxic people. If you can help it, don't get involved with them.
The giveaway was the narc who said to me: "IF I am in the wrong, I'll apologise." He didn't say WHEN because he never was in the wrong.
No they will NEVER ADMIT IT! OUR 10YR old daughter ask me just yesterday, y don't dad ever admit hes not right lol im honest with her an i tell her daddy is a narc an explain it as well bc Hes mean then nice its confusing for a kid..Ive been with this pos 32 years and he can't fool me to much anymore
They can argue over and over again by not apologizing.
@@AA-cb7dz SO True! They seem to love to fight.
A narcissist will pretend to be the victim.
Always. Even when the judge has given the sentence, they act like victim.
True. My narcissistic toxic MIL offended me recently. I broke down completely after that and have been avoiding any confrontation with her since . It wasn't the first time. Clearly she should've apologized to me but instead she took an offence. She didn't understand that it was her fault and she had crossed the line. Narcissist never apologize. They will offend you and can't accept it that you may feel offended and hurt.
We are all sinners including ‘non-narcissists’, so therefore at some point aren’t we all ‘victims’ (even ‘narcissists’)?
Right! It’s called “gaslighting.”
Scary times we live in
After FINALLY distancing myself from my narcissistic sister (after FORTY NINE years of her torment) I get a call begging to come see me so we can sit down and I can tell her “what she’s done”. I simply told her, “you don’t have ears to hear”. Had to repeat that a few times before she stopped asking. Thankfully, contact was completely broken off within a year of that and my life has been SO MUCH better without her in it. Sadly, that really is the best way to deal with a narcissist - go no contact.
I'm going through the beginning stages of this now, only her tactic has been to turn to our mother and make her absolutely miserable while gaslighting her into thinking it is my fault because I "did this to them." It feels like I am losing my mother because she doesn't want to "abandon" my sister. Thankfully, my mother told me today that she (mom) will be starting therapy in the new year, so I have hope, but it has been so hard to maneuver and try to get her thinking rationally about what my sister tells her about me. I also made the mistake of leaving open a means of communicating with my sister. She sent me an email about xmas plans that was very self-serving and manipulative, so I didn't respond. By the 3rd week my mother broke my down that I needed to "teach her" (can't believe I fell for that) how to behave. So I wrote an email that was kind but firm and laid out clearly my purpose and expectations. Her response was very typical NPD. I have learned my lesson. This is hard stuff. I am glad you are doing better, dear stranger. Just know there is a rando on the internet who COMPLETELY understands and is rooting you on!
did you invite your sister to your wedding?
"You don't have ears to hear." I love that!
It took me 60 years to go no contact. I allowed them to steal from me, lie about me, con me, it was just horrible. I tried to be kind it never worked. I’m never going to have contact again, NEVER. At last calm & peace reign! 🙏🏼 Good luck to everyone out there struggling 💐 🇬🇧
Reading this it reminded me about my mother and my relationship with my adult sisters was like. I used to think I had a problem with a sister but then a few years after my mother died, I realised my mother was probably a covert narcissist and her main aim was to be central in all of our lives by playing us off against one another. She did this very subtilty. My sisters and I now have a more mature and better relationship with each other. Not saying this is your situation but your post was an opportunity for me to write this @@SuperMrsMar
THEY NEVER CHANGE. it hit me like a brick when I realized this,,after 60 years..
they get worse as they age.
Right! 🫣🤭
Thank you
@@SaltLake180 it’s true … they get worse.
35 yrs of poop
As soon as you meet them, your life will never be the same.
And not in a good way
Trudeau
Man tell me about it. I’ve been in therapy for the last 15 years behind the abuse I’ve experienced
What if it's a parent? And you're an adult? What a mess!!
And not for the better!
My mother always said, ”Actions speak louder than words.”
@@laurapuchalski7402 I'm tired of punching holes in my room also so I ignore my family members
Words are actions .
My narcissistic husband hates me saying that to him. And yet it is so true
When dealing with evil people, distance yourself ASAP and cut off all contact. Silence is killer to their ego, because then they have no access to you, which is what they crave in order to feed their insecurity.
@@conniefoxx9813It is easy to do, only your belief makes it difficult. 😉
I agree with you, however....I have a neighbour who thinks that the noise she makes does not affect others. I have learned to ignore her, but it is costing me my mental health, not to mention regular sleep.
Trudeau
Wicked..they are wicked.sooooooo insecure
1. Accept that they are unlikely to change (AS IS; narcissist is unlikely to change, because s/he doesn't think it`s her/his problem)
2. Do not take anything personally (they will criticize or compliment you, when it is in their interest: it has nothing to do with you)
3. Protect yourself (boundaries do not change their behavior, but they will protect you)
4. Believe behavior, not words
5.Validate your own needs; do not look to the narcissist to validate your feelings.
🎉thanks
Exactly. Run away ASAP.
Thank you for the summery
Thank you for typing that list
The criticizing, I was used to, but I remember one time he complimented me in front of other people and it felt so insincere. I immediately knew he was only doing it for show. I said thank you, but I could tell my words came out flat. I wondered if the other people could tell my thank you was as insincere as his compliment.
On point! I WAS married to a narcissist and when I left him, my migraines stopped.
Thank you for sharing!! In my experience, I left my abusive narcissitic ex years ago & sadly my migraines came with me 😂 but medically speaking, this is often how it works? I've looked into it thoroughly so that's all good. Best thing ever leaving that toxic "relationship" which due to their what turns out to be "narcissitic personality" & mental health condition so I couldn't win that war either way it's positive I escaped their roller coaster of being in a situation"no win" 😂
Thank you so much for sharing this! This might actually save me from making a huge mistake. I have been getting to know and dating a guy, that shows signs of narcissism - at least two friends labeled them as much and explained to me, why. What accompanied the whole process of getting closer to him were extreme headaches and growing mistrust - I usually have neither. So reading your comment gives me the confidence I needed in order to let him go.
When I went low/no contact with my mother, the migrains, stomach problems, insomnia, shoulder tension, and sinus issues stopped.
Do it! You will thank yourself evermore :)
hoping for the same when i break free from my parents.
You can't argue with someone who only screams.
Forget argue. You can't calmly reason with someone who screams.
Doesn't matter they are right you are wrong END OF DISCUSSION
@@KlausBarbi-qe6ix Case in point.
And doesn't listen, and always thinks that they are right.
@@im-mu7tw you are better off just humor them agree with them but do what is best then create for them whatever narrative satisfies them
We’re always told to put up boundaries but the narc doesn’t care and if you stand your ground they can be dangerous.
Agree. #3 I protect myself by becoming non emotional, staid even cold. But this is not the way to live also it means I have no friends because I don't let anyone in.
Mine tells me not to tell him what to do
You do have to be careful depending on the narc that's a challenge to them
I'm in this exact situation right now with my Supervisor. I stood.my ground and now my "6th sense antenna" is flashing wildly...I can almost hear her plotting...
This is extremely true! I have never seen a small woman go from beautiful-friendly-kind-Christian to raging-bull-bitch in 0.23 seconds like I've seen my Wife do multiple times in the past six years. Fortunately, I'm a lot stronger than she is so I've been able to withstand everything she's done to me physically with almost nothing to show for it. Damn't, but I'm exhausted.
Speaking for myself, living with a narcissist. Their constant lying, projecting, rewriting the ltruth” of what happened. Causing you to be confused, unsure of what really did happen etc etc etc, CAUSES dementia in the normal person. This is a big deal. It’s a hazard of living with these people.
💯
My goodness I can relate to this list. Just wanted to say it struck chord.
💯
This is 100% correct. Those who were raised in such an environment typically suffer from c-ptsd. The inability to remember things is a common symptom among those with c-ptsd. I was told it's one of the factors that are "checked off" for diagnosis. When I say "inability to remember", I'm not talking about forgetting the vacation you went on when you were 20. I'm talking about not being able to read (learn) because you read one lie and immediately forget what you read. You read the words but the idea or meaning of the words is lost, does not compute. These sick people essentially steal your brain function.
I agree. I just figured out I’m living with the one & I’m understanding how my life has been suddenly so sad!
Forget all that, Just leave them, you have a responsibility to yourself to be happy. I don't care if they're your spouse/ parent of your children, a Parent, sibling, or friend.
LEAVE THEM !
Agree if you can. Co-parenting makes it impossible to be completely removed and some work and family relationships might make it hard to be completely removed. For instance, dealing with a narcissist sibling during an elderly parent’s health crisis or dealing with a narc co worker because they were assigned to the same project as you.
Remember there are 50 ways to leave your lover, your sister, your tormentor - just walk away!
Right. I totally agree. Ages I wished it would get better somehow, then I made the decision to finally just put my own wellbeing first.
❤
And if Codependant, bite your tongue, save every dime to leave! plan to leave, take steps! It's your life at stake!!!! seriously they are dangerous people!
Narcissists do not honor boundaries.
Very true
The boundaries are for you. They have to be clear. If the N does such and such, then you will walk away. If, then. You have to follow thru with the consequences every time or you'll never be taken seriously. Of course the N will try breaking your boundaries, over and over. It's like training a toddler. You have to be consistent.
Because they have none 🤷🏾♀️
Correct. Boundaries interfere with their dominance and control nonsense.
@@rkba4923 watch zeitgeist movie exposes everything 💟
Thank you. I cut off all the toxic people in my family. I feel peace, safety, joy and freedom away from them all.
I did the same five years ago. Contentment is so underrated, isn't it? So happy for you.
😊So happy for you both!!!😊
@@tishleigh7026 thanks!
If you argue with them, it becomes a full blown tirade, degrading insults, humilliation, shouting, etc....If you choose not to speak or answer them, its the same result because you are ignoring them by not answering..
I choose to not say anything and walk away. In my experience it helps teach the narcissist that throwing a temper tantrum is not going to get them the results they are looking for. I feel if you argue back and give them attention you are rewarding them with narc supply.
Amen Brother ! Preach it! @@maestro6894
@@la6136, I agree...they're like a child in an adult's body.
@@la6136Great perspective !!!❤ I love that !!!
Yes, the attempt to not answer and to ignore them will also bring you enormous terror in possibly various ways. It did at least in my case.
I had a covert narcissist in my life who pretended to be a friend. I've "known" her for 4 years. She kept her mask for about almost 3 years. Though it was leaking through from time to time... As soon as I noticed something was seriously off I carefully & slowly tried to keep more distance from her. At first she didn't notice because luckily she was so buisy at work. But as soon as she noticed she got even more demanding for contact, almost aggressive.
I found myself trying to come up with 'understandable reasons' for not being able to meet her. Then her behavior got confusing and irrational to an unexplainable extend...
Daily message-bombing, insults, shaming, blaming, turning her parents & younger sister against me, terrorising my husband, trying to ruin my reputation by telling lies, spreading rumors, playing victim etc.
During this constant terror and all the self-blaming etc. I did my research on personality disorders. After I found out about the covert narcissist everything made sense and I was in deep shock how I got myself into a devastating circle with vicious scum like her.
Long Story short:
From that moment on I stopped any further attempt to "solve" the situation and went no contact. For months she continued her vicious behavior.
My husband and I recently moved to another region of the country, (not because of her but in fact) it was the only way to free ourselves from her entirely.
It's been almost a year since I went no contact with the despicable brat and my rage and disgust for her are still burning inside of me.
I usually am all for forgiveness but in cases of narcissists it's different. They have no humanity in them, no empathy.
Of course it's not healthy to live on anger, so I am not saying hold on to your negative feelings towards them.
But I am saying for your own good DON'T EVER give them the benefit of the doubt or think that they can be fixed - THEY WON'T CHANGE ! ! !
Go no contact with them and stay strong💪🏽🙏🏼 while they are desperately trying to destroy you even further.
It's gonna be hard - but you can make it ! ! ! ! !
I know it's tremendously difficult if it's a family member (I have a highly toxic mother) and maybe no contact might not be possible in every case but close to non is.
Stay strong everyone🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼You are not alone in this.
When that type of person, trys to get a reaction from you, I find, looking at them with a poker face and a steady gaze, sometimes disarms them, or treat them like you don't consider what they are saying to you, as all that important. Another one that often works for me is, pretend you didn't hear what they said. Some don't like having to repeat themselves. 🇬🇧
this
Good suggestions that were very useful during a dinner ambush at a restaurant, when my narcissist was on her third repetition of how hurt she was by my disobedience (lack of compliance with manipulations that consistently disrespected my one non-negotiable boundary). She even told me that she had intentionally done things because she was jealous and resentful that I had other priorities (which more correctly are responsibilities to clients). I finally said, "So what?" It visibly startled her, and she didn't have an answer so I continued, "So…. we're not going to meet for dinner any longer. If you would like to go to a movie, let me know and I will join you at the theatre if there is a time that works for me. What I do won't matter to you, because you will have wanted to go anyway." She brightened up and claimed that was the solution she had thought of. When I got home, a retaliation email was waiting, positioning her as a teary-eyed victim wanting only X, Y and Z from me, disdainfully accusing me of being incapable of delivering that, and angrily further detailing her displeasure with my shortcomings. I ignored it. I had to see her again a week later and truthfully told her I was fully committed to professional deadlines for the next two, maybe three, months. An email followed saying, "I have tickets for…!" I reminded her that I was fully committed. A few days later she texted, "I miss you!" I did not respond and have had six weeks of much lower stress, but the distracting residue of anxiety remains.
@@ThoughtForTheDay. pfew. Take more distance if you need. First I moved to another city, then even to another country. Not with them in mind consciously as a reason but I think it helped a lot.
@@ThoughtForTheDay. why do you meet with this person at all? Is this your mother? In my case, it is my mother and I feel like I have no choice.
Me too. I think the hardest is when the narcissist is a parent. It’s really hard to go no contact@@LaChicaconSuerte-1111
Narcissist only care about what they need
No they don't because they need help but still won't get it 🤷🏾♀️
No they don't because what they need is help 🤷🏾♀️
@@vodkavuittongood point.
@@vodkavuittonYou are wrong..they get what they want..no matter what
Best advice:
‘Protect YOURSELF’ 👍
With violence if necessary
How do I answers questions in the right way because I have to lie otherwise I will be manupilated saying I am not open
But have to protect myself
What if it’s your child, your flesh, blood of your blood?
@
I’m so sorry to hear this …
That’s extremely difficult 🙏
Thank you Barbara! This video is it in a nutshell ‼️Married to a Narcissist for 27 years, raised our children, filed for divirce, 7 1/2 years later finally got my last settlement check after he stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. This is a perfect reminder to myself to never let anyone treat me like that again. Blessings to you! 😊
Me, suffering a lot and acting happiness in front of others..bcos my children are too young ..n I feel kindness to my husband, to leave him in a bad condition..I know it is not good for me..but I m helpless
You are not helpless.
@@sheeschannel439 Me too... I want to leave
She'll NEVER change!! You have to know that, and accept it.
I wish I had learned these five tips 48 years ago. My life would have been much happier.
Μe too!!!
Me to god help us 😥
Don't look back! Enjoy peace now and stay away from there are so many unhappy jealous folks
"Believe behavior, not words" - I gave up twenty of my best years believing the words of a narcissist who swore that she would change her behavior. They are *VERY* convincing with their words. Seriously: believe behavior, not words. Someone whose behavior is constantly out of sync with their words is not forgetful; they are a liar.
💯🎯
Spot on 🎯
Am I the only one thinking: having to remember rules in order to relate to someone sounds more like a chore than a relationship.
Just leave and no contact. Never argue
Love your neighbor as yourself tells us to love ourselves first, it seems to me.
Yes- others should not hurt us. We should protect ourselves. When we are happy alone, we can be healthy and loving to others since we are seeking nothing from them. We can’t and shouldn’t seek anything- from anyone.
Really straightforward and helpful, thank you!
My oldest daughter has narcissistic and possibly histrionic personality disorder.
For years I have been living in hope for her to heal, to wake up one day and be ok.
Now she is in her 30s and I am finally beginning to accept that she is simply never going to change and I cannot take her abuse or just wait for things to get better.
It is time to care about me.
I feel your pain. My 30+ son is narcissist and unfortunately tied to me financially, not standing on his own 2 feet. I've been trying to unwind the ties for more than a year but with no result. I feel very stuck! I wanted to believe things would change but I'm beginning to see they may never change and I am stuck with the debt he promised he would pay back 😢
Also, I'm dealing with this all alone after my husband, his father, passing.
@@maryptacek3453 prayers for you and your situation 🙏🤎
It took years for me to remember that a parents value is NEVER based on their adult childs ability to recognize it.
Blessings and best wishes.
💯, always trying to avoid arguments with narcissitic people as it's rhe same as head butting a brick wall!!
Thank you for this video. It really helps me deal with my mother. I’m 55 and she’s 85 and only through recent years in therapy have I realised she is a narcissist & I’ve suffered from emotional abandonment as well as other things in my childhood. The rage she throws when she doesn’t get her way, the complete lack of empathy and if I do try to explain any hurt she has caused she spins it to my fault. My brother is her flying monkey & golden child as he gave her grandchildren and your “believe the behaviour” quote is 100% true for my mum and brother. 😢 Your video is a helpful source of therapy, thank you 😊
I feel for you. My mother is also narcissist. She is perhaps 80 years now. I went no contact with her 9 years ago.
Same here! It’s like we have the same mom and brother!
Hey yeah I'm same age and so us my mother. I've been through it for years!
Do not look to the narcissist to validate your emotions....validate our feelings for self.
Same situation!!
This helped a lot. I have been with my wife for over 33 years and married for 17 and in all that time I never expected to find she had narcissitic tendancies. One thing I have discovered is they often hurt someone to feel better about themselves, to feel powerfull, it's their primary weapon of choice, it's emotional blackmail by any other name and showing they hurt you is the payoff. The best action is to not let them see you are hurt or just walk away and never go back, but It's easier said than done. If were young again I would not get married have family or show too much love, some women see it as a weakness and will exploit it to the full. I'm 70 married twice and learned a very hard lesson.
"They often hurt someone to feel better about themselves." Yes!
How can you stand staying?
Not a characteristic of women alone AT ALL.
You should not allow the evil in them, to stop you from loving, nor impact on the good in you.
Kindness is something that will be reciprocated, even through someone else.
As a matter of self preservation, go no contact and never look back. Block them from your life and don't respond to them. It's the only way to deal with a narcissist. They'll try to trick their way back into your life but stay silent and don't give in. They're evil and will never change.
If you absolutely have to “deal” with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their “re”actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc`s victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Sometimes they are dangerous. I would not do that.
Seems fake account
This video should be compulsory viewing for all teenagers before they start dating. Great❤
Yes, I agree - more information on this would be so helpful!
Too late this is learned behavior
No teenager should date.
@@samhellion yeah yeah keep saying that, i'm sure they'll listen :P but, even if people wait to start dating till they're in their 20s, they should have a good grasp on boundaries beforehand right?
@@myrianrose3619wrong, teenage years are about experiencing relationships with abandon (most) and this the mind of a teenager ( most) is not concerned with mental behavior.
My Daughter is with a Narcisse and it is really bringing her down! I have tried to lift her up, but she believes what this man is saying! I am truly at a loss on how to help her! I want her to be free from this Monster! Your words have helped me today. I pray I can help my Daughter! 🙏
Until she is ready to see the light, you can't help her. If you accept that fact, it will be less stress on you. Sometimes we just have to let an adult be an adult.... even when it hurts us to see them hurt.
Understand the dynamic of intermittent reinforcement. Google it! It’s what keeps her hooked. Only when she understands it will she have the tools to free herself. 💗
Go no contact with her. Tell her why, and you are putting the ball in het court. Continuing to be there for her thinking you are helping is only enabling her lack of action to put an end to it all. See how she copes alone without your support.
@@mariecarton8611 As a mother, I would not do that. It's not the daughter who is the narcissist. It' s her friend.
I was in the same place and did not believe anyone until I saw myself. No matter what u do, it is on to her.
Thank-you. What was interesting for me is that I had arrived at the same / similar conclusions for my own situation, although intellectually I would have not been able to have summarized it in any way close to the way it was done in the video. I realized the following:
1. Person will never change. I have to accept this now.
2. Their hurtful words and loving words are both paper-thin.
3. I must direct my energies elsewhere and get fulfillment from other things.
4. No point in trying to explain things to them.
5. Put up an emotional barrier.
Yes! It’s both great you figured it out on your own and it’s too bad we don’t do more education about this so you wouldn’t have had to! Wishing you health and healing and it sounds like you are on your way!
@@BarbaraHeffernan Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I have always been hesitant about ascribing labels to people as I am not a psychologist and furthermore, one's own bias must be factored in. That's why I like the proposal of not trying to diagnose others but rather focusing on self and what steps one should take to preserve self.
In my case the issue pertains to my 19 year-old son (who lived with me since he was 12 and for whom I have now placed very firm boundaries) and on his mom who I see as a covert narcissist.
A recent example (but frequent example) with her is that she ignores e-mails and whatsapps from me whenever it suits her. When this pertains to refund of medical aid claims the modus operandi is for me to ask her 2x (a week apart) for the refund and then the third time to threaten her with the Small Claims Court (I have already taken her there and won). At that juncture she complains about me always being threatening (but as I said this happens ALL the time). In response to her latest salvo I pointed out that silence / non responsiveness is passive aggression. Her latest salvo included a challenge to me to "find another way" and I responded by asking her to suggest a way that she would be comfortable with. Of course, lol, I got no response from her.
My girlfriend keeps telling me, "just talk to her." Now I know why I don't "just talk to her." The narcissist won't validate my feelings. MY FEELINGS DON"T MATTER TO HER! I feel sorry for her husband-partner. I feel bad about my girlfriend. But nothing's going to change. And I'm making other plans.
Super advice and something to share when appropriate.
Wish I’d known this when younger 😂 may have saved me some problems. Narcissistic husband (Ex) and a mother with tendencies plus a dad that enabled her. What I have learnt from them has helped me help my children, so I’m grateful for that. Unfortunately we have a narcissistic coworker and I butted heads with her several times before realising 🙄 now it’s a case of picking up the pieces from younger coworkers who are just finding out what she’s like and trying to tell them it isn’t personal, very difficult for them as self-confidence is already low.
Definitly...you summed it up to a T.
great tips. narc are experts in words and acting. don't ever reveal much of your info (ie. what u fear/concern) to them, because they will certainly use it against you.
Trudeau
The more information they have about you or about what’s important to you, the more control they have over you. They will definitely remember at a time when you least expect innocent conversations to be used against you.
Thank you for this wonderful and well delivered information. I am 59 and my 60 year old sister is a narcissist. We have had long periods of closeness as well as long periods of division. My last surviving parent just passed and her shameless greed is shining. I have been abused so much in my life from her and always have come back like a puppy wanting love. Always giving and supporting and so little in return. The last straw just snapped. The worst thing is we both live in the same small town and that will add difficulty. But I feel like I have been burned enough to realize my self preservation is much more important than a relationship with her. So I am grieving two losses at the same time as well as trying to deal with the inheritance issues. This video made it very clear that if I do not have boundaries, she will continue taking from me. My mom did not know the word narcissist, but always called my sister the “Taker” in the family.
My sister sent me a note in the mail 2000 miles away informing me of our mother’s death a month and a half ago. My sister let me know that she wouldn’t have told me had my mother told her to let me know.
I had to cut all ties with two of my three sisters. They are toxic, to me.
I can relate, my sister is toxic too. I have tried to start a new life away from her as my anxiety levels always rise when I am going to be around her….but she has infiltrated my new group of friends and is trying to take over yet again 😮. I wish she would just disappear and go away….😢
@@abundantlyclearyou’re lucky one out of three is brilliant …cherish her..
@griswald7156 but, her husband doesn't want me near her. She, and I, share the same genetic condition. It is though he is afraid he will lose control over her, if I am around. I know her pain, and anxiety. He doesn't. I know natural ways, to make her feel better. But he relies, on her quack doctor. She really needs a naturopath. She claims he tried to sexually assault her, in the hospital. Her husband says she is making it up. I believe her!
I have been such a fool for so many years. I now realize the reason for so much of what has gone on. I have been feeding narcissistic supply for many many years.
This is such an eye opener for me.
Me, too. Realized it way to late in life and now my mom is ill, so I am there for her, but there are times I don't really feel like being empathetic toward her because no matter what I do to help her, it's never enough. She told me tonight about all she did for me as a kid when I was sick. Forever throwing things like that in my face. Wish I stayed further away years ago, but now, I am obligated, and she is very difficult.
You are not a fool. You are most likely caring, honest person and just trusted that others were also❤️
I am now in a place that s not easy.
I am sorry but you can't just leave in every situation.
I am now dealing with this that I should have about 25 years ago.
Would have made a big difference.
Had a very revealing conversation with my narcissist last night.
She still doesn't understand but knows things are changing.
When we have friends over my husband dominates the entire conversation, when I try to speak I am treated like an embicile and my opinions don't count. My confidence after 25 yrs is shattered.
Leave him.
My sister does that to I her husband and he just retreats and expects it
Such an eye-opening video! Arguing with a narcissist is like playing a game you can never win. Your advice to focus on setting boundaries and protecting your peace is truly empowering. It’s a reminder that walking away and prioritizing self-respect isn’t weakness-it’s strength. Thanks for sharing these practical tips!
My dad was popular and so I liked him, like most people did. Yet he was bad to me, he was not my friend. I have to remember that.
thank you for this. it's really hard to deal with narcissists
I just realized after writing my first comment that the "as-is" step starts with oneself. I have to start with accepting myself as-is. I knew that, but I think the idea just went from my head to my heart.
As is- lovely idea! Will try!!
My mom turned my entire family against me. Lost everyone. I just feel good because I’m not crazy. That’s just so refreshing to hear.
When a psychiatrist at our mental health clinic diagnosed our family member as having narcissistic personality disorder, he said that we had not caused the condition, we couldn’t cure them and we couldn’t help them. Your “AS IS” is the perfect label.
My father is an abusive narcissist and much of my family is. I came from affluent means, and they will do anything to enrich themselves and nobody has ever made me feel as bad about myself as these family members. I stayed too close because of my kids and they have nearly ruined my life. I now suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression. It’s a long story. I am also a 9th grade dropout who spend over a decade working toward my college degree. They gave me hell for that every step of the way. I’m now finishing graduate school and will take my psychotherapy exam after 1800 hours. And I’m still not right from this experience. It’s so severe I cannot feel my hands for months at a time. I say this to warn people, stay away from narcissist. If you remain close they can and will destroy you and feel zero remorse. Even people like me, in my profession, cannot combat it all of the time.
Create your own family with friends. Last.two Xmas was with our created family-it was great!
Congratulations on finishing graduate school & good luck on your psychotherapy exam. You've come a long way to get there - just keep moving forward with your life.
Good for you❣️Your happiness and success is not dependent upon them.
I believe it's a spiritual problem. They are empty souls filled with an evil spirit.
The only way to heal and protect yourself is to have a relationship with jesus Christ. He knows your innermost being. They are sad people who probably carry an evil spirit which torments them. Go no contact. They won't change unless the evil spirit is removed by jesus Christ
Go no contact if you can. It will give you peace of mind. Remove the chaos. Great channel. Thank you.
Thanks I will
Thank you!!! I remember the old saying: "your actions speak so loud I can't hear what you are saying."
Actions speak louder than words. I often tell my narc husband this.
Trudeau
The 2:27 mark, 🤣 a few months ago i was watching a video about narcissism. My narc husband asked me what i was watching, i told him I'm researching narcissism, he asked why. I pointed at him, oh he got mad, stopped talking to me for a week. 🤣
How to know when you should get a divorce sooner than later. Book coming out later this year.
I bet that week was absolute heaven!
Just a few days ago the same thing happened to me. Wife asked me what I was watching (she always probes if she sees my interest isn’t on her) I told her it was a clip about Narcissism. Her face went blank and she went speechless. Made me think she’s familiar with it. I suspect she may have been labeled that by someone earlier in her life. In any case, that video showed up on TH-cam so I watched it. Oh my God! About halfway into it, I suddenly woke up and realized that I’m not crazy. I felt about 14 years of abuse completely explained. Since that moment I have begun shoring up my boundaries and dealing with my narc wife in a new way. This is my first step in reclaiming myself and I’m genuinely relieved that I now know what I’m up against and the more I research the stronger I get.
ok, even if he wasnt i can imagine one wouldnt be pleased but i dont doubt you judgement of course....or is this a typical narcissistic remark? God save me....
Real narc will get you back always, if you insult them. Always. Revenge is their other name.
Oh my. You nailed it! I was raised by a covert narcissist, then I was married to one for seven years. Thank you so much for your videos and self-help resources… So eye-opening for those of us adults who grew up in crazy environments, were left with wreckage in our hearts and minds, and now have to learn how to pick up the pieces and try to heal.
Sad reality!!!
Very interesting material. My daughter in law has had many jobs. You have helped me figure this out. I believe believe in an interview she talks a good line. But doesn't have the goods or actual credentials to do the job. Her picture of herself is not real. Or if she gets a job it doesn't last long because of her bougy attitude and can't get along with people. Meanwhile my son has become a workaholic to catch up the money. She doesn't let him know what she is really making . The sad thing is he believes her. He's such a good person. It just worries me he is gonna get sick as he gets older. But I can't tell him anything. He defends her every lie..she know I'm on to her for years. I try to stay independent. I am concerned about my son. That's it. Thank God there are no children.
That is the trouble having had narcissist parents, it grooms you for all narcissists. Narcissists look for that Behaviour in a person, they know who is and who isn’t. Already trained. Once you know the dynamic, you can change your life and start protecting yourself,,
Very helpful 😊
Have you ever dealt with victim shaming? I'm a victim of a narcissistic spouse & I'm shamed constantly. I'm taking my life back into my hands day by day, 1 step at a time. I'm in support group. Friends & family are hard on me & constantly say, "but, just leave." Easier said than done, but I know what I'm dealing with & doing my best.😢
I am in a similar life circumstance, except my support group is my animals and my writing. Both were taken from me nearly two years ago and I about gave up, sank into alcoholism and despair, realizing that I had allowed this to happen to me didn't help. Then, by the Grace of God, and random gift from a perfect stranger, a book on Buddha Quotes, changed everything. This little book was my only possession aside from a blanket and became my daily mantra, they gave me a foot hold in the sinking pit of despair. I soon was able to hold my head up, look at myself in the mirror, and give myself the love and respect I deserve. I wish I could say that I have moved on from the one that caused so much grief, but alas, I'm still here, but not being guided blindly for his own amusement, I know I have a choice to not accept his opinion as my own. I am also an empath and dealing with understanding my gift and my purpose is what I have been focusing on. I don't know why I don't leave, maybe lack of support or lack of confidence or maybe something more. I don't know where I was going with this, sorry.
thank you
Be thankful your family and friends are urging you to leave. Listen to them. They have your best interests at heart. My family begged me to "PLEASE try one more time". I said no, and explained why in detail to the one person who might understand. I don't know whether she actually understood, but at least she quit begging me. I am almost completely no-contact now. He's actually nice to me now, but no way do I believe he's sincere. He just wants me back so he can Lord it over me again. No way.
No one can tell you to just leave. They don't understand how hard it is. When you build yourself up you'll know when it's time. God will open the door for you.
Yes and if you left, someone would be like "Why did you leave?" I hope you find all the resources and strength you need to be well.
I was victimed shames by a former older friend.
Wow never looked at #4, is MY behavior reflecting what I want to communicate (i.e. I will NOT tolerate this behavior - but then I continue to stay and let them abuse, manipulate, etc. ME) - wow - that was an eye-opening moment for me - thank you! i have never heard it put this way.
I wish I had seen this and listened 20 years ago, before I married my ex-husband, but it is still helpful going forward. Thank you so much!
Hi Nancy, how's your day going with you?
As for number 4, "Believe behaviour not words", I definately agree. At the same time kind of the opposite can also be true: a narc can exhibit 'normal, even friendly' behaviour, while repeatedly making mean remarks to break you. The mean remarks are aimed to make you feel bad, doubt yourself, threaten, change subject, deny a reality, ... ofcourse WHILE behaving friendly.
So yes, look at the behaviour, but also look at the words. There are different types of narcissistic games.
I absolutely agree with you. Example: my "mother" has often "nice" behaviour (mostly when she's with other people) but her words are cold, mean. And the other way around, both are correct observations. Also.. They can fake being good continuously through the day, every day, but they can't help showing their coldness through their eyes/gaze and their voice.
@@enlumineresse I recently was in a groupcourse. There was a woman who was extremely friendly, always positive, charming etc. She was little and people said she was 'cute'. She would softly touch my back when speaking to me, ask information, and even hugged me every time at the end of the course. Then I learned someone was talking very negative about me to the leaders of the group. I didn't know who it was. After 3 weeks my relations with the other people were affected by it. Then it became clear that 'little cute woman' was the snake, snitching around about me in a 'victim' way. The amount of backlash I received from her was very different then her 'cute' behaviour in public. The amount of negative and stalking textmessages I received from her weren't very 'cute' either. Other people in the group also received negative messages about me. BUT, even that SAME day, she behaved very 'cute' to me in public ... .
Her 'charming' behaviour had a destructive influence on the whole group. The people leading the group didn't see through it, which made it a lot worse. At the end of the course she gave her personal gifts to the leaders. Not a group gift, but a personal cute gift. Very charming indeed.
One hour later she was texting again ... . To me, to others, ... .
Very charming and positive behaviour in public ... not so charming words in the shadow of her life. The overall message was that she is the victim in all kinds of situations, not strong enough to stand up for herself. But before you realise there are some knifes flying around, and some end up in your back ... .
Victimhood ... very powerful narcissistic strategy. The real victims, the targets in these narcissistic games, are usually not recognised.
So true!
This is indeed common NPD behavior. But this is the behavior that we are being warned about - their two faces, their charming way of pretending to be a victim of one person in order to gain control over many people. Very sick. @@geertruivanbroekhoven7209
I have two of them
One an overt, the other a vulnerable narcissist.
Thank you very much for the advise!!!
This information made me open my eyes in how to deal with my mother. I would actually tell her how her words and actions made me feel and it was like talking to a wall. I love my mom but I cannot be around her for long because she triggers anxiety, ptsd and depression in me. 😢
Me too! You’re not alone. They are disgusting! I have to constantly tell myself to accept her for who she is and do not get attached. Otherwise she will twist my mind and heart.
I feel you!!!! I am so sorry for you!!!
Narcissus concentrates so much on blaming others for how they feel and how their lives are so messed up because life just isn't always good or fair. But as an adult- put on you grown up pants and start being an adult and get over it! It doesn't matter how many times you were disappointed and got upset - you are an adult now- so stop acting like a child. Stop blaming anyone. Just look in the mirror and open up your eyes and ask yourself what I have learn or should be learning from My past experiences and how can I use them to help me now to become the person I want to be today. Stop blaming others and stop labeling yourselves with some mental disorder to get attention. Just grow up and be all that you can be. Every person alive lives through life experiences. You are no different
. Bear your cross and move on in life knowing you got through it all and are now a better person because of them and able to be living your very best life now. It's on you now.
So true. My husband is a narcissists. This video is so helpful.
It hurts but you just described my mother. I realised myself that she was a narcissist since before I was born, although I needed a few years to see that see fits all the requirements. My boundary is distance and it does help to keep me sane.
The best indicator of present or future behaviour is past behaviour...
Always remember this one.
Yes. And judge a man by his ACTIONS, not his WORDS !!
Yes times a million! This is saving my life right now! They lie to get what they want. They emotionally abuse for their own selfish capital gain. Be ahead of the game and pay close attention to what their story is from their past it will tell you everything!
I have a narcissistic brother and sister. I had put up with their abuse and put downs for years. I decided to go no contact a couple of years ago, the best thing I ever did. I would recommend it.
They just moved to the town where I live and find myself sucked into hoping they would love me but it’s always me feeling high anxiety and useless and why am I alive when I have interactions with them
Actions speak louder than words. ❤
Yes!
I am listening to this over and over again. This is so clear and true and thank you again .
Barbara is great. Please see Les Carter too.
Thank you for these tips. I had to escape from the narcissistic environment my mother created. Till this day she blames me for abandoning her. I had to stop telling her if something wasn’t going as well as it should cuz she’d also blame that on the fact that I left at 18. Anything that could possibly be going on she would blame me and that event. I left because of physical and mental abuse. My father tried stopping her from hurting me several times throughout my life. Little did I know that he was the scapegoat before me. He left and then shortly after so did I. She’s mad at him to this day and mad at me as well for trying to better our lives without her.
I’m happy I at least have my dad to talk to when I need to vent about life.
how did you leave? I want to but don't know how
Thank you for sharing. It doesn't mean we have to stop loving them, when it comes to family, but it is important to understand that they are looking only for their best interest; They have egocentric personalities.
I am student of spiritually and my Sufi master told me. Narcissistic people have hell bond souls you can never change them. Batter keep away yourself from them. Your lectures are good. But no cure for them in this world. Specially if you get married and you know person is narcissistic then quietly leave them. Because after kids it’s hard.
I just learned about a “leviathan spirit”. Very true that they have a hellish bond. You don’t want to tangle with them. They are indeed extremely dangerous. I have been helped by God during moments in their presence but it takes weeks to detoxify from being in their presence.
@mariuccia4736 yes we can pray for anyone.
It’s hard to not take it personally.. when they’re verbally abusing you and calling you out your name every time they get upset & frustrated.
My husband of 44 years told a pastor in counseling that I was the narcissist. The first sentence out of the gate. The pastor who really did not know me well, said that he was right since I say the word I. 😮 another pastor said that is heinous to take his name off checking when he spent all his money and mine to for first 30 years and we lost 3 cars and a house and had electricity turned off. Preservation had to happen even when these pastors were blaming me.
All your tips are very good and true. I once said to my ex (a covert narcisist) 'action is louder than words...'. He didn't agree. Of course not! Maybe after 5 years of silence from my part, he knows by now what I meant... But I don't care anymore😊!
It's probably best to leave a relationship like this, rather than find ways to deal with their behavior and your feelings, when you can't have a normal relationship with a caring person. They are time wasters.
Time for honesty, perhaps. My marriage has been problematic for 44 years because my husband has a narcissistic personality. It took years for me to realize that his personality was set deeply in his very soul. He could not, cannot, comprehend that the way he relates to me is not conducive to harmony. I have tried to explain to him that his short-tempered response to every stimuli was unacceptable. I am his target. He needs someone with whom to be verbally abusive. It’s me. My husband is not a patient or spontaneously helpful person. He expects me tackle every problem on my own and then scathingly criticize how I managed the task he shrugged off. The plumber, the painter, the car insurance, the lawn service, the bill paying, the doctor appointments. You name it. I am now waiting , at age 81, for either him to die or me to die. It’s beyond too late to leave. Yes, I know.
Let my story confirm that no matter how many good traits a life partner has, narcissistic behavior builds deep resentments that destroy a relationship. You cannot treat your partner the way a narcissist feels entitled to do and be loved . You kill it with your own voice.
very big time wasters...waste of your precious time.
If you can't be yourself around someone let them go. If narcissists don't respect your boundaries, then the only option I feel is to walk away. I had to walk away from my brother with no contact.
Coming from a family and inlaws rampant with narcissistic behavior, the amazing thing I have noticed is they seem to get along. The best I can figure, narcissistic people know what upsets them, so they naturally avoid similar social interactions with other narcissist. Yet, somehow are able to derive others without that syndrome, and attack. They plan that attack though, usually when there is no witnesses, or when an opportunity they perceive as weakness is presented.
That is true. However they seem to despise each other and badmouth each other behind each other's backs.
I concur-Behind the scenes guttersniping is a key element to the narcissistic lifestyle.@@larryl2398
Go ‘no contact’ get them out of your life. My life has never been better since I went no contact with advice from psychologist and now I am free from narcissistic abuse 😅😅😅
nice one Barbera . what you have said in 7 minuets clarified my past , dysfunctional 40 forty years , and you've made me feel happy , and now moving forward . thank you ,clive ,
Happy to help!
Thank you for this, I am a thirty-five-year-old empath and I have within the last year had my first encounter with a narcissist and unfortunately it was to enter into a relationship with this person because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. So thank you because this video has helped me out a lot and understanding how I need to deal with him, or rather apparently how not to deal with him. Any and all further content as far as this topic is wonderful for me right now, any and all recommendations or links or what-have-you would be amazing to possess. Be blessed and keep helping people out
After nearly dying from narcissistic abuse, here is my 6 step formula:
Step 1) Get the hell away.
Step 2) Get the hell away.
Step 3) Take the fullest accountability: Notice you’re likely truly spotless.
Step 4) Don’t feel guilty FOR ANYTHING.
Step 5) Get the hell away.
Step 6) Repeat steps 1 through 5, as needed.
😄👏👏👏
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes and yes
They need heavy heavy prayers and sacrifice for their conversion.
and Stay Away
from Harm
or any one who might or probably will
hurt you
Keep safe.
Stay Safe!
Those are on the top of the list of the must do right away🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
My behavior has often undermined my ability to set boundaries. Now I'm more mindful of not sabotaging my efforts. Excellent video!
00:41 🔄 Accept that narcissists are unlikely to change; understand and interact with them "as is."
02:20 🚫 Don't take anything personally from a narcissist; their compliments and criticisms are about them, not you.
03:13 🛡 Protect yourself with boundaries when dealing with a narcissist; focus on emotional, physical, legal, and financial protection.
05:00 🗣 Believe behavior, not words; a narcissist may use manipulative words without genuine follow-through.
06:21 🔄 Validate your own needs; don't rely on a narcissist for validation, seek support from a healthy support system.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Your discription could have been mine 😭 thank you for your brave step, writing it down - wish you a better man!
I can totally relate to you on this,I am in a sexless marriage in my prime. ❤️
@@otrdriver5069that’s the usual. Typical marriage😂.
When are people going to see reality?
To everyone reading this, here is my therapist's advice on the matter, which I strongly suggest that you heed: "There is no gold in that mine."
That's an excellent way of putting it.
fools gold haha
@@andsoitbegins464
Best video on narcissism I have ever watched-and I have watched many. Fantastic clarity!
I agree. But see Les Carter too. So much info.
Recently I read Franz Kafka's 'Letter to the Father' about his ill relationship with his father. In this book Kafka describes a metaphore about being locked up in a prison. While in prison, he has the option to make his cell beautiful and comfortable. But it remains a prison. If he escapes he will be free but can never return to make his cell beautiful. This was Kafka's dillema but it describes also perfectly the relationship I have with my father.
Metaphore - mosis 💔
That describes my situation perfectly too. I’ve spent over thirty years trying to make a ‘home’ beautiful and the last couple of years, especially this year with the discard has become an absolute nightmare. I need to
Leave this prison for good.
I got chills when I read that Letter.
Wow! Right to the truth on to remind yourself not to try to explain or expect understanding . To hold on to your belief and set boundaries for yourself! Will listen to this over and over. Not to believe they can not be like that . They are.Thank you.
This was very helpful as I recently realized someone in my day to day life is like this.
Sadly it took me over 20 years to realize it :(
Thanks so much for the tips as I am 100% stuck here...
You're never stuck; just take time to figure out how to remove yourself from the situation. You've got to take care of you.
And my mother was a massive narcissist who hurt all our family but her target was me and my Dad😢😢😢
Sorry. Hopefully you have cleared away from her
Thanks for this helpful message. Yes they are arch actors and manipulators and schemers. So much out of left field. And yes never be needy with a narcissist. Never smile at a crocodile if you don't want to get hooked. And then thrown to the crocodiles by the narcissist.
Remember that with "As is" This has a fundamental flaw if assigned too soon. When people first meet, there is a "honeymoon" phase which can last for hours, days, or even weeks with general social or work relationships to as much as a year or more for dating or marital relationships. Until this phase fades, you probably will not know the person's baseline for an "as-is" assessment. "Projection" is a common mental trait which probably afflicts most people to some degree and the narcissist to a great degree and may be intentional or not.
Great point. I agree.
When I used to walk away from my now estranged husband he would go bananas and accuse me of running away. That used to sooooo frustrate me until I learned to respond by saying, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but it’s your opinion”. That frustrated him and I kept my sanity by not feeling I had to justify myself.
Perfect !!!👌 🥰 💞
Thank you for distilling the rules of engagement-------imprinted on my brain for future use !
Went no contact 3 years ago and still sifting through words versus actions.
Validating myself sums up a few more loose ends especially------
why wasn't he kind and responsive when I was in need. Got it ! More closure and I thought
I was finished. They disrupt your inner character ,make you think it's all your fault.
Thank you again for giving us a PLUS column for healing ourselves.
Manipulative bad to suit their own needs. Thanks for this video. Wished I knew this term before. I wouldn't be so down with myself. Now I am on top of the world. Just me now no argument. They won't change.
Thank you for this.
I cut my mother (Narc) off recently. She told me if I try to have exclusive relationships with my brother or father with her out of the picture, good luck with that! She told me she wishes the worst for me. That I'm going to continue to suffer a hard life because I chose to be gay and that I am the burden that she had to raise. That her financial inconveniences and her sacrificing Labor was all my fault. Yeah. Yikes. This video is great. I've just discovered your channel. I've come back to the word narcissist as it doesn't really trigger me so much anymore as it's been a healing process, plus I've eased into the whole cutting off my mother thing by watching Dr House (narcissist), lol.
Good luck.
As if one can "choose" to be gay! How awful and pitiful that she cannot see that having a son is a gift! To tell a child that he is a burden is unconscionable. I hope and pray you will just do what you wish, enrich your spirit with people who appreciate you, engage with things that keep you growing, and remain positive. All the best.
@@alanaronald244 thank you, I appreciate this very much and bless your soul.
Dr. House is great 👍. When you’re just watching for entertainment and not living with him as a spouse!
Well that’s not bc your mom is a narcissist, it’s bc she lost a son, he’s dead, you chose to follow the road to perdition which anyone could follow instead of making the effort everyone else does to follow God’s Word. Hope one day you repent and give up that life and accept your salvation through Jesus. The homosexuals will go to hell as they are abhorrent to God, and I didn’t say it, God said it. I’m stating the obvious, your poor mom, God protect all moms from suffering such thing as you had made your mom suffer. God guide you back to Him, you’ll have to abandon the way you live, can’t be a Christian or close to God and live as an abhorrent to God, that’s just not possible.
Believe Behavior, and actions.
Not words alone. 👍
A narcissist is spiritually and emotionally insecure in need of affirmation from self and others. While not intentionally provoking, the provocation is a misplaced interpretation of you. If someone feels stupid anything they think they see in you that shows them up cannot be tolerated. Thats one example of what self perception can do but there are more. Rather than disengagement maybe learning skills is needed. There is a fallout in marriages and family because no contact is now permissable. Most of us were taught to comply, deny, go with it which is injurious. Unless the narcissist also threatens or is guilty of physical harm one might want to consider learning how to gain upper hand. These teaching videos are helpful.
Label the narcissist AS IS, because they can't be changed and keep reminding myself.😊
Yes they are STUBBORN disabled creatures 🙃😂
This was very helpful. Everything was so spot on and literally exactly a few of them
I’m already practicing with my boundaries.
I have more peace the last few weeks dealing with my sister who I’ve come to realize most clearly has these narcissistic behaviors…. For most of my adult life.
Thank you so very much
I once shared a room with a narcissistic person. She often bomberded me her illogical personal issues. I pretended I was willing to listen to her. And knowing she wouldn't like my solutions, I drummed them into her head continuously. Naturally, she didn't like me doing it, so she avoided talking to me!!! I was free from her tantrum after that. Sharing the room never bothered me with her.
It's often more effective to remain calm, set boundaries, and prioritize your own well being rather than trying to win an argument with someone who is unwilling to listen or change
I think my envious, lying sister is a combo of an overt and covert narcissist. Once I realized she will never change for her lack of empathy, it became easier for me to decide on limiting her presence in my life. I longed so much for my family here in the States bc the rest of them are in another country, so I put up with her abuse. I believe it was the cause of my depression for a number of years. But now, I am over the depression and back to my happy self. Good riddance, great decision!
Just booted my 80 yo covert narc father out of my life for good. He recently completely dropped his mask, and had every reason to wear one. It is pure EVIL what we are dealing with ! Mean lying people with ZERO empathy.
I’m very happy for you. Congratulations!
Thank you fot the TH-cam algorithm that gave me the chance to meet you here today. I feel very lucky that there is a webinar 5 minutes later. Looking forward to meeting with you there. your comments and advice are so deep and meaningful.
It's heartbreaking, the dilemma contemplating walking away from one's self-imposed, familial, and societal obligations to the narcissist parent.
Very insightful. Thank you! It is very difficult having 2 narcissistic sisters - they deflect responsibility for their actions, words and behavior.