Mate said: There is no reason to purposely expose a kid to pain because pain will come naturally. Our job is to help them through. Pain is inevitable. It doesn't have to be traumatic we need to know how to interact with them while they are enduring that.
It's also not a good idea to go to another extreme by discouraging the child -- whether covertly or overtly -- from expressing his or her pain and by expecting the child to behave more like an adult when the child isn't an adult yet and doesn't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to fully understand and live up to an adult system of ethics. That is what I'm still trying to deal with. I'm a very emotional person but it's difficult for me even now to express the depth of my feelings with just about anyone because my parents weren't nearly as emotional and didn't know how to deal with my emotions...so they didn't and the impression I got was that expressing or sometimes even feeling difficult emotions such as anger or frustration or sadness was somehow wrong. The fact that I was above average intellectually probably didn't help since I think it made my parents assume that I might be capable of reasoning like an adult emotionally as well when I wasn't. I became a "people pleaser" as an adult and I still struggle to believe that there might be people who could and would still be able to accept me even when I'm in pain (angry, sad, etc.) and in need of support instead of providing them with support.
@@yofitjamie22 I agree. It actually can make them think it’s normal behavior and they can end up in abusive relationships thinking that this is what love is.
I agree.. I've done and studied lot of therapy in my life, researched and practiced many different systems, modalities, ancient or new, and yet when I first heard Gabor Maté talk about his work and ideas I immediately felt at peace.. Now that I've listened to him some more (I'm watching every interview to him I can find, I also watche the movie/documentary of some year ago, btw, beautiful!) and I have reflected on what I was feeling and why, I think his way to 'simply' acknowledge the wounded child we have (still very alive) within, their traumatic experiences, their needs that weren't met, the love they weren't given, etc, makes them finally feel validated, seen, loved, and then just healed. In fact, I feel really really well just by listening to Gabor sharing his ideas. It's so true that the best things are simple
...... I worked along side Dr Mate for 3 years. A kindly, decent man but not a wise man. How people appear and present themselves might have little to do with how they are in person. As the Talmud beautifully puts it "We dont see people as they are, we see them....
I hope your staying strong and sober iv just started my own journey myself to rid my addiction 4 days going good. Stay strong you'll smash it just believe in yourself ❤
Notes: Children are born needing unconditional love and acceptance. Children shouldn't have to work to make their relationship with their parent work. They need that. Children need the freedom to experience all the emotions. In our society we are taught to suppress emotions. Children need free play out in nature.
Sounds like a fantasy to me and isn't realistic for most kids for most of the time in human history. This is some utopian ideal which is totally unrealistic for most people.
@@heladar It sounds like fantasy to you that all children are born needing unconditional love and acceptance? This is a psychological fact. If prospective parents don't know it, or don't agree with it, they shouldn't have kids.
@@ReaghanReilly no I meant that its unrealistic to expect unconditional love without anything in return, so all expectations on the parents and none on the child. Almost no human has that or had that in previous times and people still worked it out. Trauma is part of life and its a learning experience to learn how to cope with that. Children need limits just as any other human being that is part of a society. And who are you to be in a position to judge who should have kids and who shouldn't? Soem of the greatest people this world has ever seen came from tragic family circumstances. As for the initial comment: Surpressing feelings is a lesson everyone needs to learn. It's not all about how you feel. Facts don't care about your feelings, emotions serve a certain purpose and of course you should learn how to handle your emotions, but its devastating for humanity if everyone makes their own feelings the roadmap for how they act. Mass killings, rape and other cruelties are the result of people incapable of dealing with their emotions and suppressing them when necessary.
To never fit in.. to always feeling I can't handle societies expectations..to feel like a dreamer walking a foot above the ground.... To knowing that it's ok to be me that I'm not a freak. Accepting ourselves as beautiful wonderful people regardless .. I'm ok with that. I'm ecstatic. I think I just grew wings
I relate to what you're saying very well. I often feel like a piece from a jigsaw puzzle which somehow ended up in the wrong box -- and that somewhere out there (in another country, in another time, on another planet, in another galaxy, and/or in another dimension) is the puzzle which is missing the piece that is me and where there is another person who should be here in my place.
@@OreadNYComg! i feel the same way. i'm trying to figure out what to do with my life because i can't understand it. I feel that i don't belong here... this is not for me! jajaja
Beautiful and so relatable how you expressed these depths of waters, so known and safe to us, where not many swim!!! These depths were we never seem to drown.. While strangely at the surface, where everyone is to be found, where the water is shallow, mimicking the world.., we've become used to drown merciless everytime.. And how, with the right help, we now learn to swim in shallow water, with the depths in the back of our minds, expressing them into shallow waters, and it's all ok.. You're right, we've grown wings.. Wings of liberation.. Like a safety jacket against drowning.. When we free ourselves from trauma, we save ourselves from the curse of drowning in the same patterns..
I’m an empath and over the last 10+ years I’ve been disheartened by people’s behaviors. I’ll never understand why hurting another brings them so much happiness.
I am a dyslexic male. Come from 11 children in clouding myself. I was told that I was going to grow up to be a ditch digger. What at the time, I guess my father thought that was the lowest place to be. Instead I became a fishing guide, outdoors individual. The boys in my family consist of lawyers, one retired congressman, dentist. And my dads dad, and my mothers brother, and his son now were, or are judges to date. I could not fit into, let alone learn how to do these thing. I can say I do not know how I am still here today, due to my own wants not to be. All I ever wished for growing up, was to be held, feel loved, and told everything would be okay. Many issues I know that I am still dealing with. I been to numerous counselors over the years. Some helped. Most made things much worse for me. I enjoyed this video, and wish I had people like you to help me when I needed you. I guess I probably still need you and you help. That you for sharing your thoughts, and knowing, knowledge with me my friend. Also I am new subscriber to you channel, will continue to watch.
Counselors have not helped me either. When it comes to childhood healing I find the technique of rewriting old memories the most helpful. I myself do this through meditation but there are other techniques that can be found. Also I cling to my spirituality knowing I’m always loved and this human experience is temporary, with challenges put in my life so I can grow from them. I wish you many blessings on your healing journey ❤
Truely touching. You may not think your comment could be so comfort filled, but it is. I am the poorest one to come out of my family. I am the most unsuccessful so far. I will fight to change it, and this point I am okay dying this person. Mostly because I know I am good enough, now.
Oh my...a fishing guide... What a gift you have to give💖... All my brothers and my son...are avid fishermen. I grew up with my 4 brothers n mom.n dad always took us fishing. Loved it...still do. There is something very healing about being by or on the water... And fishing !
"Don't wait for the world to apologise, acknowledge your own pain", no one else can ever truly know. From here we move into understanding, acceptance and then choosing to heal. The first step is realising you have pain especially if it's been there all the time. So very appreciative and grateful for the change you're making to the world, Gabor Mate. You are like a tissue picked up in the middle, all the corners follow.
WOW my mind was just blown best quote he stated "Vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded". I am a Rwandan who survived the genocide and lost all of my immediate family mom, dad, brother, and sister. This conversation hit hard
"My purpose is that people are free." I stopped the video to cry. I watched this video hoping to feel less lost in life, and my guidance came with these words. Thank you both for putting this together. It was worth every second.
It's amazing for me to be 63 & only in the last few years have I realized how my childhood kept me trapped in thoughts & beliefs about myself based not on the truth; but on how my infant self perceived events back then, I finally understood my mother's yearly months spent away from us were caused by her mental illness and consciously I'd known that and accepted it as beyongd her control; yet an abandoned feeling haunted my whole life, from waking up in an orphanage at 4 years old, without my sisters or parents there. My sisters were in other classes according to their ages & I did not know why I was there without any family. Mom didn't choose any of that nor did my dad who had 6 little girls he could not watch & work to house & feed. I left the hurt realizing they'd always loved their kids but they'd been raised by really unloving parents, Dad's mom died when he was 2, kicked out of a house of 13 kids at age10 & Mom's whole family suffered with bipoar illness and more mental health issues too.. Letting go of thinking/feeling subconsciously abandoned has helped me so much. (He came to get us all as soon as he could)..We can set ourselves free.
Listening to Gabor Mate makes me love humanity. His way of talking about the human species is so interesting and passionate. Thank you Jay for having this conversation recorded !
What a beautiful representation of the human spirit. Trauma can be heald! You aren't just damaged goods that nobody would want, you're in pain and need some kind words and self care. Gabor is a lighthouse.
As Gabor wrote in one of his books: “It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior.”
As a mother working through my own trauma alongside trying to grow a healthy human… this is the podcast I’ve been needing!!!!! An amazing start to an amazing day
i'm so proud of you, especially of the fact that you're a mother too trying to heal yourself. i'm so glad that you won't have to pass on your trauma onto your children. thank you for trying to break the cycle. you are a hero, rooting for you!!
I am with you! As a single mom and in a new relationship I'm seeing so much trauma i have not healed from not just in my marriage but trauma from childhood. And it was real trauma not just a difficult experience.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 05:41 🌱 Trauma is not what happened to you; it's the wound that is sustained as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is a psychic wound that can be healed. 08:57 💪 Vulnerability is essential for growth, and time alone does not heal wounds. Healing involves becoming whole, and it requires letting go of defenses. 14:02 🧒 Children need unconditional love, freedom to experience all emotions, and the opportunity for spontaneous play for healthy development. The current societal conditions often fail to meet these essential needs. 20:02 👶 Children raised with a more natural and nurturing approach tend to have healthier self-identities and resist societal pressures to conform to external values. They find purpose and remain grounded. 22:59 🧰 Unlearning past behaviors and developing a different perspective can help navigate the world more authentically and effectively, even in a society with contrasting values and expectations. 23:41 🧠 Identifying and addressing the trauma in one's life can help break the cycle of repeating the same patterns as most people do. 25:32 🚼 Mollycoddling children isn't about loving them too much but about projecting parental anxieties onto them, which can make kids anxious and ungrounded. 28:45 🧒 Children don't need to be deliberately exposed to pain, as life will inevitably bring pain. The key is to support them while they endure pain, helping them move through it. 35:01 🙇♂️ The challenge is to balance authenticity and attachment. Over-identifying with roles and labels can limit personal growth and authenticity. 46:07 💪 Sensitivity in children varies, and their reactions to trauma are influenced by factors such as birth order, family circumstances, and coping mechanisms developed. 46:21 🙏 Acknowledgment of suffering is the first step in healing, and it's important to listen and fully acknowledge the pain and trauma. 50:29 🌍 Loneliness is a perception, and there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. It's essential to be open, vulnerable, and willing to connect with others to combat loneliness. 53:33 💡 Human nature isn't rigidly defined, but human potential is based on human needs. Meeting these needs leads to healthy development, while frustration of these needs can lead to negative outcomes. 01:00:55 ✌️ Acknowledgment of suffering, especially on a societal level, is crucial for healing and reconciliation, as seen in the example of post-genocide Rwanda. 01:07:51 🙅 Don't wait for external apologies or validation for healing. Acknowledge your suffering, look for wisdom and healing within your culture and society, and don't become dependent on external factors for healing. 01:09:47 🤔 Forgiveness is about releasing hatred and resentment that limits you, not necessarily condoning the actions. 01:10:28 🌟 Spirituality is a sense of connection to something larger than oneself, transcending body and ego. 01:11:20 🌿 Indigenous people have a profound connection with nature, emphasizing unity with the environment. 01:11:47 💫 The medicine wheel in indigenous traditions involves emotional, physical, social, and spiritual aspects, promoting wholeness. 01:16:00 🦋 The best advice on healing and trauma is to "be yourself" and stay authentic.
How does one forgive the person who is constantly a reminder of your pain? How do you forgive them if live with you ? How to do rise above there accusations and insults?
I resonated with “Being alone is a fact that we can embrace and make decisions about. Loneliness is a perception with an emotion charge to it. You can be alone and not be lonely. And you can be surrounded by all kinds of people and feel Lonely. It’s just how you chose to perceive it. Suffering has to be acknowledged to heal. You have to understand your trauma. Don’t wait for the world to acknowledge ur suffering acknowledge it yourself so you can finally heal. Release ur heart from the cage trauma cause.”
I’m a Indigenous person from North America, I also live in Vancouver, Canada. I really liked how Dr. Gabor talks about acknowledging your own suffering and pain, it’s what I have been doing the last couple years since these residential schools have drastically effected my life. It’s what I’m showing others in the Indigenous community now they can do by being that example of it, by slowly going back to my traditionally ways. Thank you for that acknowledgement on these things Dr. Gabor.
Jajóm (thank you) for sharing, Peter. Many of us in the Taíno Indigenous community are going through the same process now, especially after being told we went extinct more than 500 years ago. We are with you and the rest of our siblings from Turtle Island.🙏🏼
This is so beautiful and imperative. As indigenous peoples we are connected to our ancestors, nature and the spirit realm on a cellular level. We are the microcosmic energy here to learn to transmute suffering. This is my fav topic to discuss. I see beauty in all things especially in trauma 🕉️
There is so much gold in this interview, so many crucial takeaways, but one thing I just want to highlight that I so appreciate as a viewer is how much Gabor always makes a point to make clear the definition of what it is they are talking about, to make sure we and they are all on the same page. That is SO important when talking about any deep topic, and I very much appreciate his attention to language.
Honestly, I have never seen or heard of a man with such a power for clear thinking! A man true to himself. A man whose knowledge he takes with modesty and passes on as simple fact. He is deep and discerning, and delves into roots of words, into studies by colleagues, he brings forward truths that can simply make this a better world! He has, to me, ascended to the level of prophets and great teachers! Thank you both! The harmony and smoothness in this interview was a pure pleasure!
I’ve seen many interviews with Dr Gabor Maté, trying to absorb the wisdom he shares, and this interview is by far the best I’ve seen. It feels as though Jay approaches this material with genuine interest and curiosity; there is a humility and warmth here that I truly appreciate and makes for a beautiful conversation.
Dr. Mate states that our level of Sensitivity defines us - who we are; I've never realized this - it is so true. It's no wonder that very sensitive people feel out of sync with the world at large
Yes, me too. I used to have so many triggers and it really was like every reaction was of the same intensity or more (due to accumulation) than the first time. I didn’t want it to break up my family and hit rock bottom, that is when I started therapy and learning about trauma for the first time in my life. This man is a gift 💝
The wisdom of the elders should remain . Modern society denigrates the value of the elders based on their materialistic productivity , but their value is higher and goes beyond out perceived dimension . Thanks Gabor Mate for sharing your wisdom , also thank you Jay for doing the job to bring him to your podcast and share it here. I am from Guatemala, if it wasn’t for podcast like this i would never have the opportunity to hear so much wisdom . God bless you !
Help me understand why does the literal definition of a word arouse people so much? I get that the sly interviewer wanted to make this into a big thing, but must people follow deception? It's just the definition of a word. It's not deep, not thoughtful, nothing. Yet people fall for the most regular bs ever. No wonder Americans have to choose between such creatures, and they fight against each other because of these creatures. Now, i might be arrogant and wrong and if I'm as such, I'd be thrilled to apologize and understand why I'm wrong. What's so special about the literal definition of a word???
I loved his point about acknowledging suffering. My parents separated when I was 18 which resulted in my Mum depending on me to do things such as visit her solicitor. She never acknowledged what I did for her during the separation. Many years later I gathered the courage to go to therapy to discuss what happened. The therapist said after a few sessions that 'you know what you did, Arron, you can acknowledge yourself'. It was like someone opened a door regarding the acknowledgement because I knew my Mum would never say thank you or acknowledge what I did. Acknowledgement is so powerful and we can do it for ourselve instead of waiting for someone because you will be left waiting!
Recovering from a narcissists betrayal is slow at best, one day at a time. First you have to recognize it: understand that the issue, the problem does not lie within you. We all do and say things in relationships that we wish we hadn't, that we can't take back…however it is in recognizing this that steps can be taken to correct and become better in our interactions with others. Narcissists cannot do this, it's always someone else's fault, they cannot genuinely look at themselves and see the need for improvement. The pain they inflict is very real and very hurtful. Being betrayed isn't a fault of the one being betrayed, but the cause of the betrayer. Loving someone that betrays you hurts…loving someone that has no empathy for the pain they've caused is maddening. Once you recognize it, can see it for what it is then is time to move on to acceptance. Accepting the fact that another person, a narcissist, has no empathy for your pain, the pain they've caused, isn't easy. Accepting the fact they just don't have the level of care, love, self awareness is a must though. Understanding and accepting that this relationship will never be what you had envisioned is key to recovering. A narcissist just isn't capable of having a relationship on that level, they are simply not capable to work through the many ups and downs, the kinks, of a relationship. Maybe their fault, maybe not but the facts are still the same..the end result is still the same. It's highly doubtful that you'd ever get a narcissist to see where they are wrong, to see the pain they've caused, what they see and what they look at is themselves, all else is really a mute point for them. So, in my opinion, trying to get them to see, to understand, the pain inflicted only hinders the recovery process. Finally when recognizing and acceptance have taken place, one needs to find a place within them where they can forgive. Forgiveness comes from love, and it's really more for the injured party than the narcissist themselves. Forgiveness facilitates healing. Hatred and anger only breeds bitterness within a person. Take what you can from a relationship with a narcissist, take peace, love for others and leave the narcissist and bitterness behind. Take comfort in knowing you do have value as a human being, your value does not come from others, especially a narcissist who can only really see themselves. Such a sad way to exist really when you think about. Satisfaction from within a relationship is a mutual thing, the give and take on both sides, the narcissist will never know that great satisfaction of a true, committed relationship. (Commitment to to see it through and make personal improvements) Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
45:57 "Having said that, the other child who doesn't become an addict hasn't neccessarily escaped". This is me. I didn't become addicted like my sibling, but I also never truly escaped. I have never felt so understood before in my life.
Agreed - I have 2 other siblings who both have addictions as a result of our childhood. At times I’ve envied their ability to escape their pain through drugs, alcohol, gambling.
That's really interesting, and I wish I could explore and understand your situation. I'm actually the child that ended up with addiction, now almost 7 years clean from 20 years of high-functioning (mostly) addiction to numb myself and avoid my recurring traumatic images, pain, sorrow - deep, deep painful sorrow that would just have me burst into tears wherever I was - it's still ongoing
Growing up, I was verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally abused. i thought it was normal , now I'm involved in an abusive relationship i know it's not right ,but why am I still here giving him chances after chances??🥹🤦♀️
Thank you for your validation. My wounds get triggered and pain emerges as if it’s happening right now. I have been accused of living in the past. I reply with I don’t want these memories to occupy my body. My entire body hurts. I write poetry to express my pain. I have been in counseling and medicated, 2 docs have validated my pain. My family never validated my family abuse, instead accused me of being mentally ill and a selfish centered liar. My one male sibling said he believed this year 2022. Im 69. I have 5 male siblings. No sisters. He’s the only one willing to listen, but even though he believed me he never said how horrible for me to have experienced that alone with no one to protect me. I had to pretend I respected my parents all my life. They are dead now, but they still haunt my dreams. They still pop up with specific triggers. I am proud that I left an abusive husband when my two children were 2 and 4 and raised them as a single parent and stopped the abusive cycle. My adult children are loving kind hearted people that I am so lucky to be their mother. Two of my poems “My face is a roadmap. My face is a roadmap of paralyzed fear It lost the contour of shine Where sadness appears. My face is a roadmap To my story afraid to unfold My face is a roadmap Of all the tears buried beneath the road. My face is a roadmap Where once there was light Molesting father , narcissistic mother and brother Darkened it to ashen abysmal night. For years my hidden molestation is what I thought shredded my soul that didn’t compare to the narcissistic abuse my mother and Christianity bestowed. Trampling my heart, lungs, and vocal cords. My face is a roadmap Of Christian demise Respect honor your parents at all cost Are the lies. I didn’t fight back, l didn’t utter a word. I didn’t even know what was a healthy loving world. My face is a roadmap Aging lines of frequent attacks From a shell of a mother Reminding me You’re selfish Self centered Regardless of the mountain of love showered to Her impenetrable heart sac. My face is a roadmap Wiped out by the tidal wave of trauma Voice smothered to the depths of all that Surreal drama. Good days I’m grateful to be alive, Rough days I struggle to stay to survive. My face is a roadmap 69 years Mixed with the joy of my children Loss of parental nuclear family love foundation Stained with tears. It took years layered with abusive narcissistic tasks To turn my roadmap Into a pretend happy mask. My face is a roadmap It conceals Reveals A generation of trust built on sand A broken trust in me Constantly needs A helping hand Today, I author this piece to drive out my fears I want to claim happiness What’s left of my years. My face is a roadmap Also shows joy It came with a price I’d pay again and again To have my precious girl and boy. There is a truth to a portion of my heart undefeated That truth my two children saved With love over their years They repeated. My face is a roadmap Blake stares To a far away place Where all children are gently loved Always kept safe. “ My most current poem “I was a little dandelion I was a little dandelion, standing all alone. We always grow in mass bunches, What strangeness is this, I moan? Tromping heavy treaded boots smashed flat my tiny little head. If only I was a giant sunflower I wouldn’t be left lying here lifeless, dead. Surprise! Fooled the cruel tromperwalkers, I slipped right through their tread Thriving to a world unsafe I stand strong to what’s ahead!”
Someone once said, don't dig unnecessarily into the past and dwell torturously there in order to heal. You won't remember everything and certainly not in that way. Focus and deal with what arises now, because that is what should be dealt with and that is what is important. Anything important from the past that wants to be heard will come up in the present, without you having to force it and dig and over-analyze.
that is absolutely true! thanks for putting it in such a caring wordings! The present is what matters most and we were not taught that at a very young age.
I remember my mum used to say that and I wish I had someone telling me these carrying words before I started digging. Maybe it was because my psychology degree and the subject for my dissertation and together the weekly therapy I was doing. And I didn’t stopped I went so deep into everything, every part of each traumatic event I’ve experienced, and I fell I went into a massive depresive episode for 2 weeks even with psychotic symptoms - I’ve been admitted 10 days - they gave me antipsychotics and antidepressants and it took me 6 months to get back on my feet, however during that period I did managed to finish the university and go through a traumatic event of leaving a house where I lived with my ex partner for 3 Years, I lost my pet, my job, my car, and I just stayed in a bed for 3 Months, with walking maybe twice a week outside and washing every weeks - and this comes from a person that was multitasking so many aspects of their life before (doing full time university- Working full time - managing 2 businesses- Volunteering). And in the end yes I managed to get up I managed to travel again and come back to UK, I pushed myself to go to a part time job, I completed my dissertation, but I also received a lot of love from the people around me, and it helped for the moment, but many times I was alone. Now October 2024 I want to say that I’m back, I’m not fully myself because something got lost, but I have a successful career I’m an overachiever in my company, I work full time I have amazing new friends I am back in society. And yes what I want to say, I still wish I had someone like you to tell me those move words and I didn’t had to go through all of that, but unfortunately I went due to circumstances and I hit rock bottom, but I’ve reborn. I still don’t know if it’s good to face the links towards your trauma or not, for me it worked well in the end it took a years of my life, but now I know everything. And my approach towards others and life is totally different
I swear Dr. Gabor is the only person to say exactly how I feel and is amazing at explaining feelings and why people react and do the things we do. It makes me feel a sense of peace due to never being understood and not understanding why I feel the way I do. I am a mother and have trauma and trying to seek help and resources to heal myself so I can be the best mom. This man has helped me alot! Thank you for sharing all your knowledge.
It breaks my heart to see how many of us were sexually abused as kids and how that affected us as adults. But one thing i know each one of us is a freaking SURVIVOR.
Amen and we do not have to give the ones who treated us bad one more minute of our life, our energy, our thoughts, our time or our futures.. These people are destroyed people and we did not cause that. Now we can pass that pain on or we can reject it and the damage it does, instead we can decide to leave the guilt, the burden of it all and walk forward leaving it with the ones who caused it and choose to stop punishing ourselves.and to stop allowing anyone else to treat us badly. Your inner child needs your unwavering love now and you WILL ALWAYS be there for you.
@@timtimsen3967 true, pain seems to do some things to people that somehow sets them on a sped up or increased evolution path of inner growth & understanding like it hyper sensitizes a person, opens up their minds, gives increased emotional intelligence to alot of people who've gone through very different experiences maybe yet it does seem to force a extra level of subconscious and conscious awareness .
This Dr has just spoken to me in ways I've never heard before. He understands the human condition and is so authentic. Very deep philosophy from a scientist. Recovering from trauma is a long journey but possible
Attaching your identity to something (besides your self) will limit you -- because it's something that's not genuinely part of you and it disconnects you from your true identity.
The phrase "identifying with anything limits your growth" suggests that when you strongly attach yourself to a particular identity, belief, ideology, or concept, it can constrain your ability to develop and evolve as an individual. By identifying closely with something, you may become rigid in your thinking and less open to new perspectives, experiences, and opportunities for personal growth. Essentially, it's implying that being overly attached to any single aspect of yourself or your worldview can hinder your potential for expansion and development. @maryanmartinez4935
I don't agree with that. Identifying is good, you feel there r other people in this world just like u, you're not alone and it helps u to continue in your path.
As a child I was subject to constant abuse from a very early age right up until I left the home. Coming to terms with the trauma is really the hardest issue. I was in addiction for 25 years and self sabotaged every good relationship that came my way. As an early adult violence was my communication and I fought for attention and fought for affection. Fight or flight is all I knew. Unpacking your trauma is key to your recovery as the older we get the more it will consume you,so much so as Dr Gabor says will manifest into illness. Put one foot infront of the other if that’s all you can do right here right now , take life on just second by second if you have to and know you are worthy, you are wanted , you are loved, you have a purpose.
@@LisaDavis1 Thankyou :) if someone can relate to my story in just the smallest sense I hope I’ve achieved something positive. Through abuse you self isolate and loneliness is your friend. Stepping into the light and taking your power back is such a freeing and monumental change for the better. ✌🏽
Thank you for this comment. From your story I can relate very much, almost like I'm your younger self. If you don't mind sharing, what was the age when you "woke up" in?
This gives me a glimmer of hope for my niece. She is so angry at the world and won't stop hurting herself and those around her. She has every right to be angry. I hope she comes out alive.
Being kind is our nature! That is so true. We get so carried away by the pursuit of success and fame of this industrious world that we forget our true natures.
"It hurts so much being ourselves", is such an accurate phrase on why we deviate so much from our authentic self. I have a certain fear to seek out my authentic self because "what if my authentic self is a bad person?"
The more i listen to the good doctor....the greater the possibility that i will realize that ive fucked up multiple times as a parent. And the tears will start to flow 🥺
OMG!! I needed to hear this!! As soon as you said there are people who are so sensitive that they can’t stand living in this world it resonated with my soul!! Because this is exactly how I feel and I hate it! I hate this world because it is so wicked, dangerous and scary. I loved this entire video so much. Thank you!
This might sound so pathetic but if you believe in the power of prayer would you mind praying for me? I’m extremely depressed. I suffered a very high level of trauma as a child. My worst fears from childhood have come true and it’s rocked my world. I’m beyond miserable.
I've been through what you're going through... A total loss of self and having to find a new what for... It's painful but can be an enlightening journey when we allow the pain and breath through it... My prayers are with you. Strength pours out the other side, just hold on for the ride.
My FA ex broke up with me couple months ago and she couldn't pin point why she was feeling that way... She had such a tough childhood growing up and more i listen to these podcasts i cant help but think of her remember her and feel bad for her makes me wanna cry. i hope she finds healing and is loved unconditionally.
All healthy love should have “some” conditions to it and these need to be expected and addressed in a healthy adult conversation. These are called boundaries ,which include emotional or physical abuse ,meeting each other’s needs,etc….
Thank you for defining so many things! Framing trauma and healing was an ah ha moment! "Trauma is the wound and Wounds can be healed". "Vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded and without vulnerability we can't grow". Makes sense!!
Mate: “It hurts so much, at some point, to be yourself.” I feel this inside, but Dr Maté’s explanations help me see that I am not weird or strange. Thank you!
yes, especially born as a nation that majority of countries have bad image on and not be respected .THIS IS THE WORST....because even they can change passport to be different nationality but they cannot change their DNA and real nationality inside their bodies.
Dr Mate is a the true definition of a Boddhisattva. This man is giving so much to the world to ease its suffering. Immensely grateful for you sharing his work.
I recently read gabor mates book "when the body says no " as i recently went through testicular cancer and it actually filled many gaps in my thinking and perspective of life ,emotion managing,and needs that have to be met ! I wm also one of the more sensitive kind of people and you helped me a lot . THANK YOU IF YOU EVER SEE THIS I'M GLAD THAT I DISCOVERED YOUR BOOKS AND YOUR GREAT PERSPECTIVE !!!!
Triggers are gifts that offer us to see the unhealed wounding within us so we then are given another opportunity to heal it with love and forgiveness ❤ Forgiving yourself for carrying these toxic emotions for as long as you have is a great place to start 😊
Should be no issue of you forgiving yourself as you are not the one that put the trauma in your life that wired your amygdala and limbic system to be triggered in this way. But it does create awareness for individuals to do the work they need to do in order to heal these issues. You are not the one that installed these toxic triggers and therefore you are not the one that need apologize for them.
“The moment there is a ‘have to’ there is resistance.” Dr. Mate’s declining to participate in creating resistance has great understanding behind it. I know that I shut down as soon as I feel pushed. Someone told me once that you cannot push a piece of string - it folds back on itself…but you CAN draw it toward you. Addicts can’t be pushed into stopping. As in my case, they can be drawn by the experience of seeing recovery and acceptance in others. That simple distinction saved my life and has given me 38 years in recovery and healing. Thank you both for this beautiful conversation between seekers. 🙏💜🇺🇸
Thank you Dr Gabor Mate. I discovered you six hours ago on another podcast and am elated. 50 years of grief has held me prisoner to not healing. Today, in my darkest hour, I now feel safe. Addiction has beey my life. Acknowledging myself today. I suffered a horrific childhood and have spent my life trying to have my biological family (whom i am estranged from) fighting for their love, validation. Simply wanted to belong and have heritage. Dr Mate, you have changed my life. Thank you
@@florachildress3531 Hello In response to the first part of your comment: ' healed in 6 hours'... that would be impossible as you know. Perhaps, I should clarify: 'finally in my fifth decade of life, resonated with Dr Mate and his truth not only as a Dr, but as a man. A stranger telling his truth about his childhood, marriage, treatment of his own children, his addiction and finding solutions. I have never met you, but please know the following: I love you as a fellow human and am honestly sorry to hear of your life experiences, hurt, and position. Your story resonates and I thank you for your honesty. We are not alone. It is validation for ourselves that there are other people in this world with the courage to truthfully share their life experiences, hurt and truth. I agree with being unable to trust others. Enduring the heartlessness of our families not acknowledging us, our truth and there being any real resolution. I care about you!! Look forward to hearing from you ❤️🤗
@@florachildress3531 Hello Hope you are ok I really appreciate your sarcastic comment.. little nasty don't you think. You have no idea what I have endured in my life. Simply meant: The words of Dr Mate resonated. Take care
@KS-us9cb ok, i found my reply on your post, I truly did not mean to sound snarky, it's just that as much as I have tried to get fixed so to speak has not much worked for me. I haven't got to listen to Gabor, but a small bit, I sure did not mean to insult you at all. I know it's rough trying to heal from a lifetime of pain and disappointment. I hope you find healing, I must listen to this man. Maybe he can give me some insight. Praying and staying in mind of Jehovah helps me. It keeps me safe.
I moved out of state from my own traumas to grow and evolve, I devloped my own unhealthy coping mechanisims, fast forward 2 years later, my parents are evolving and healing and all is seeming better. I just sent this to them as I have never felt more understood and seen. I hope it can further help their evolution from their past traumas as well. Thank you Jay❤
You've played a major role in me recovering from things I thought would genuinely kill me. I'm not out of the woods yet, not sure if I ever will be, but you have helped in ways words cannot convey
Yes to this definition of healing... "The integrity of a person who is no longer split off from themself. " So well articulated. Thank you Gabor and Jay for another illuminating conversation.
Thank you Mr. Gabor Mate. We need people like you to spread the word as to what happened to us indigenous people. The more people that understand the better because it could happen to any race of people. The way things are going now, we are ready to make a stand so that we can put our families and communities back together again.
Thank you for bringing Gabor Mate on. He is pure, raw, honest, highly experienced, specialized and knowledgeable. Lately, by your choice of certain guests, I wondered if the world got you. It's my wish you have found the meaning back and continue bringing us real rolemodels. Wonderful interview x thank you
I just wanted to say a big thanks for this amazing podcast. It's been like a personal guide, helping me understand myself better and inspiring me to become a better version of myself.
So thankful for people who have platforms and can spread this knowledge. I spent years being sick, diagnosed with POTS, heart issues, neurological symptoms that resembled MS but left my neurologist baffled. I kept telling my neurologist I think this is related to my trauma. He dismissed me over and over again and I eventually stopped going to him even though he was a doctor with good intentions originally trying to find the root cause with tests and MRIs etc. but I left and recently did somatic therapy and ketamine assisted therapy and my symptoms are gone: normal heart rate, no fainting, no neurological issues or tremors
What stood out is the anxious parent projecting that onto kids by trying to avoid all pain. I needed to hear that, cause I am yet to have kids but definitely am more of the try not to cause any pain type. Very insightful.
Like most others I see here, I feel it almost necessary to acknowledge and appreciate this profound conversation. It can only happen in a setting where there is intelligence, curiosity and most importantly, humility. It's been a while since I forgot my worries long enough to be truly absorbed in something..but this helped do exactly that.
Dear Jay and Dr.Maté, thank you so much, I’m so grateful to live at the same time as you! You are truly two diamonds of human beings. I cried when Dr. Maté was answering the fourth question… “My purpose is that people are free…” I’ve rewatched it more than 10 times! Bravo, brilliant!
Healing requires the vulnerability that caused the trauma when it was denied or used against us, and that's really difficult, to feel all the softness and pain again, but we'll get there 💙🌠
For openers, perhaps assessing one's level of Sensitivity would be appropriate; doing this could save years of misguided therapy. Most of us benefit from therapy, yet, the more targeted it is, the more positive the results. The dialogue between these two men is profound; thank you both for sharing your collective wisdom. I now have a new perspective of my life.
@@vivvy_0 i guess thats where we need to have a newly differentiated system where we open ourselves up again but know who to let have acess to us and who not to ever again
Gabor is an international treasure and pairing up with Jay for this interview led to a conversation that was raw and meaningful. One of the best podcasts I've ever watched for sure!
Out of all the podcasts ive listened to, videos ive watched, self help books ive read, therapists ive talked to, i have honestly never gotten so many insights in one sitting. Thank you Jay and Gabor for this absolutely mind blowing interview.
Some of the problem is the expectation; the apology we deserve is our expectation. What we "deserve" is our personal definition. It's never helpful to place our healing in someone else's hand.
I appreciate Dr. Gabor Mate pointing out the needs of kids (and ourselves when we were kids), it is helpful in understanding me and my clients and also my own children. Especially to see what we may have missed.
Without question, this has been my ALL time favourite podcast "on purpose". I have been following Dr,. Gabor Maté,s interviews, via many podcasts, over the past few weeks. THIS has been extraordinary. Jay Shetty, your questions were oustancing, and Dr. Mate, your responses mind blowing. I will be watching this episode again, in order to allow all of this wisdom to penetrate deeply into my bones and soul. Absolutely birlliant. Can't wait to dive deep into this book. So much to learn, about primarily myself....and thus, others. Thank YOU both so very much for this incredibly profound conversation. Thank YOU❤
I can not express how much this episode of your podcast comes at a perfect time for me and for what I'm working on for my personal growth. Just thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Left a toxic relationship in May. Why did I stay for so long? My journey to walk. Just ordered the book. I wish there were more therapist that learned this information. When they ask, "are you eating?, sleeping?" Come on lets get to the bottom of WHY. Great Podcast guys!
I’ve watched and/or listened to this interview at least three times and still believe it’s one of the best long-form interviews online about trauma and wellness. Thanks Jay!
The advice of Dr Maté resonates deeply with me. I first have to give up my addiction of alcohol. It is a heavy weight that prevents action and the ability to operate on a higher vibration. His wisdom will definitely help break through. Thank you Dr Maté and Jay.
Biblical scripture explains the origins of human suffering quite simply and profoundly. A few examples are: Genesis chapters 1-3, Romans chapters 1-2, Galatians chapter 5: 19-21. Freedom comes through the love and salvation of Jesus Christ. He loves you and died and rose for you....💙💙
I come back to the podcast from time to time and it is such a pleasant surprise to see Dr. Gabor Maté as your guest! I absolutely adore everything you both do and I admire both of you for your mission to help others. You both have helped me a lot. I hope I meet you someday. Can't wait to hear this conversation!!
This was easily the most influential episode you’ve ever done, Jay. I never knew who this man was until now and I can’t believe how much insight I gained from the hour and eighteen minutes. Doctor, you are so wise. 🙌✨
Gabnor Mate is astounding exceptional and people focused. Highly reccomend this wonderful Dr he is a human and truthful and filled with wisdom intellect and a sense of humor. Well rounded and with navy disciplines in medicine, psychology science and hands on field work is what makes is journey rewarding for both himself his patients and those he meets .
To grow, you have to let go of the shell (identification, safety net). The only time we experience growth is through vulnerability. To heal, be true to yourself.
I grew up in the seventies in a humble working class family and neighbourhood. Went to school, spent all my free time outside in nature... At 48 I still don't buy into Capitalism and although a slave of it to some extent, I feel like I have to play the game, to survive, but I don't live in that world, I feel an outsider to it, my values are still those of my childhood, family, nature, health, simplicity, friendship... A humble yet healthy and contented life
Read the book, and this conversation was so good. Dr. Gabor's perspective on trauma and healing makes so much sense and his method of compassionate inquiry has been a great way to approach or take a step towards our own healing. I'm learning the value and importance of returning to my authentic self and not betraying it. Thank you both. Life-changing 💪
The distinction you made between elderly and an elder is soothing for this solo 64 year old. I've lived the difference in the treatment of elders in Asian countries vs. the US and it is profound. Feeling honored, respected and valued in Asian countries is incomparable to how dismissed and burdensome I feel in America. I miss Asia for that reason.
In other words, if you found your passion and are not currently working towards that, trauma is the root cause and it made you lose yourself. Aka don’t feel bad about yourself for not *doing all you can* more like love yourself for doing what you’re able
Thank you so very much. I'm 62 have had lung cancer twice and I feel like I'm a chicken in a Nest ready to learn how to fly after hearing this. I am so very grateful. Thank you!
During and after our divorce. I was grieving hard. Unfortunately, I did not realize my 3 children were suffering much more than I was. At the time I unknowingly did not meet the emotional needs of my children. I was angry that my husband wanted a divorce. Then I made things worse. I worked none stop trying to make the home feel like a home where the father was there. Working and working but not meeting my children's emotional needs. I believed I was placing my children first. I think I was just meeting my own needs. That was a huge mistake. This is the first time hearing this .
There is one thing that stuck with me through the trauma of loss and the grief process was that i learned “everyone’s loss is the worst loss because it’s their loss”. I feel trauma could replace the word loss and be respected the same. I just appreciate both of your work so much and the key things that touch such deep levels of healing. Thank you so much.
"Escaping yourself and pain" as addiction has opened my eyes to my escapist habits (that aren't considered addictions or bad) are actually types of addictions/coping mechanisms.
Mate said: There is no reason to purposely expose a kid to pain because pain will come naturally. Our job is to help them through. Pain is inevitable. It doesn't have to be traumatic we need to know how to interact with them while they are enduring that.
right?! like you didn’t help your child learn to over come adversity if YOU were that adversity
It's also not a good idea to go to another extreme by discouraging the child -- whether covertly or overtly -- from expressing his or her pain and by expecting the child to behave more like an adult when the child isn't an adult yet and doesn't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to fully understand and live up to an adult system of ethics. That is what I'm still trying to deal with. I'm a very emotional person but it's difficult for me even now to express the depth of my feelings with just about anyone because my parents weren't nearly as emotional and didn't know how to deal with my emotions...so they didn't and the impression I got was that expressing or sometimes even feeling difficult emotions such as anger or frustration or sadness was somehow wrong. The fact that I was above average intellectually probably didn't help since I think it made my parents assume that I might be capable of reasoning like an adult emotionally as well when I wasn't. I became a "people pleaser" as an adult and I still struggle to believe that there might be people who could and would still be able to accept me even when I'm in pain (angry, sad, etc.) and in need of support instead of providing them with support.
PERFECTLY SAID. That’s why hitting/whooping your child isn’t going to make them stronger.
Well said !!!!!!
@@yofitjamie22 I agree. It actually can make them think it’s normal behavior and they can end up in abusive relationships thinking that this is what love is.
This man is the true definition of the word, healer.
I agree.. I've done and studied lot of therapy in my life, researched and practiced many different systems, modalities, ancient or new, and yet when I first heard Gabor Maté talk about his work and ideas I immediately felt at peace.. Now that I've listened to him some more (I'm watching every interview to him I can find, I also watche the movie/documentary of some year ago, btw, beautiful!) and I have reflected on what I was feeling and why, I think his way to 'simply' acknowledge the wounded child we have (still very alive) within, their traumatic experiences, their needs that weren't met, the love they weren't given, etc, makes them finally feel validated, seen, loved, and then just healed. In fact, I feel really really well just by listening to Gabor sharing his ideas. It's so true that the best things are simple
I see what you did there. And bravooo!!! 😃
He is the true definition of wise
...... I worked along side Dr Mate for 3 years.
A kindly, decent man but not a wise man.
How people appear and present themselves might have little to do with how they are in person.
As the Talmud beautifully puts it "We dont see people as they are, we see them....
@@1965simonfellows what years were you working with him
This man has helped me big time!! from last week all I'm watching and listening on TH-cam is Gabor's lectures. Day 4 of being sober and counting....
Congratulations 🎉🎉 I wish you the best
one little advice , stop counting, and good luck! you can make iit
I hope your staying strong and sober iv just started my own journey myself to rid my addiction 4 days going good. Stay strong you'll smash it just believe in yourself ❤
❤ I'm working💪 on it great job 👏 im on 12 days no smoking 🚭 ugh that's a struggle but I have Much more to work on also
Love and encouragement to you all! You deserve the BEST of your desires! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Notes:
Children are born needing unconditional love and acceptance. Children shouldn't have to work to make their relationship with their parent work. They need that. Children need the freedom to experience all the emotions. In our society we are taught to suppress emotions. Children need free play out in nature.
that is true, but how do you arrive at those 'should'-statements? that is also very very interesting and difficult path...😊 human morality
Sounds like a fantasy to me and isn't realistic for most kids for most of the time in human history. This is some utopian ideal which is totally unrealistic for most people.
He needs to get rid of Oprah on that opening. She so evil not even coo
@@heladar It sounds like fantasy to you that all children are born needing unconditional love and acceptance? This is a psychological fact. If prospective parents don't know it, or don't agree with it, they shouldn't have kids.
@@ReaghanReilly no I meant that its unrealistic to expect unconditional love without anything in return, so all expectations on the parents and none on the child. Almost no human has that or had that in previous times and people still worked it out. Trauma is part of life and its a learning experience to learn how to cope with that. Children need limits just as any other human being that is part of a society.
And who are you to be in a position to judge who should have kids and who shouldn't? Soem of the greatest people this world has ever seen came from tragic family circumstances.
As for the initial comment: Surpressing feelings is a lesson everyone needs to learn. It's not all about how you feel. Facts don't care about your feelings, emotions serve a certain purpose and of course you should learn how to handle your emotions, but its devastating for humanity if everyone makes their own feelings the roadmap for how they act. Mass killings, rape and other cruelties are the result of people incapable of dealing with their emotions and suppressing them when necessary.
To never fit in.. to always feeling I can't handle societies expectations..to feel like a dreamer walking a foot above the ground....
To knowing that it's ok to be me that I'm not a freak.
Accepting ourselves as beautiful wonderful people regardless ..
I'm ok with that.
I'm ecstatic.
I think I just grew wings
❤❤❤
I relate to what you're saying very well. I often feel like a piece from a jigsaw puzzle which somehow ended up in the wrong box -- and that somewhere out there (in another country, in another time, on another planet, in another galaxy, and/or in another dimension) is the puzzle which is missing the piece that is me and where there is another person who should be here in my place.
@@OreadNYComg! i feel the same way. i'm trying to figure out what to do with my life because i can't understand it. I feel that i don't belong here... this is not for me! jajaja
❤❤❤
Beautiful and so relatable how you expressed these depths of waters, so known and safe to us, where not many swim!!! These depths were we never seem to drown.. While strangely at the surface, where everyone is to be found, where the water is shallow, mimicking the world.., we've become used to drown merciless everytime.. And how, with the right help, we now learn to swim in shallow water, with the depths in the back of our minds, expressing them into shallow waters, and it's all ok.. You're right, we've grown wings.. Wings of liberation.. Like a safety jacket against drowning..
When we free ourselves from trauma, we save ourselves from the curse of drowning in the same patterns..
I am a sensitive person and can definitely relate to how hard it feels to be in the world right now.
❤🙏
I feel like I'm not living. I'm just enduring the world around us and it takes so much energy.
I agree 💯 percent it takes a lot of energy.
I’m an empath and over the last 10+ years I’ve been disheartened by people’s behaviors. I’ll never understand why hurting another brings them so much happiness.
Me too…😢
I am a dyslexic male. Come from 11 children in clouding myself. I was told that I was going to grow up to be a ditch digger. What at the time, I guess my father thought that was the lowest place to be. Instead I became a fishing guide, outdoors individual. The boys in my family consist of lawyers, one retired congressman, dentist. And my dads dad, and my mothers brother, and his son now were, or are judges to date. I could not fit into, let alone learn how to do these thing. I can say I do not know how I am still here today, due to my own wants not to be. All I ever wished for growing up, was to be held, feel loved, and told everything would be okay. Many issues I know that I am still dealing with. I been to numerous counselors over the years. Some helped. Most made things much worse for me. I enjoyed this video, and wish I had people like you to help me when I needed you. I guess I probably still need you and you help. That you for sharing your thoughts, and knowing, knowledge with me my friend. Also I am new subscriber to you channel, will continue to watch.
You are very intelligent and skillfull.
Just keep doing what you are doing.
You are a winner!!!
Counselors have not helped me either. When it comes to childhood healing I find the technique of rewriting old memories the most helpful. I myself do this through meditation but there are other techniques that can be found. Also I cling to my spirituality knowing I’m always loved and this human experience is temporary, with challenges put in my life so I can grow from them. I wish you many blessings on your healing journey ❤
i love you my brother . everything is gonna be ok .
Truely touching. You may not think your comment could be so comfort filled, but it is. I am the poorest one to come out of my family. I am the most unsuccessful so far. I will fight to change it, and this point I am okay dying this person. Mostly because I know I am good enough, now.
Oh my...a fishing guide... What a gift you have to give💖... All my brothers and my son...are avid fishermen. I grew up with my 4 brothers n mom.n dad always took us fishing. Loved it...still do. There is something very healing about being by or on the water... And fishing !
"Don't wait for the world to apologise, acknowledge your own pain", no one else can ever truly know. From here we move into understanding, acceptance and then choosing to heal. The first step is realising you have pain especially if it's been there all the time. So very appreciative and grateful for the change you're making to the world, Gabor Mate. You are like a tissue picked up in the middle, all the corners follow.
Yes. As per Carson McCullough's novel , The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter. Jay Shetty brings such wonderful and helpful guests...
WOW my mind was just blown best quote he stated "Vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded". I am a Rwandan who survived the genocide and lost all of my immediate family mom, dad, brother, and sister. This conversation hit hard
"My purpose is that people are free." I stopped the video to cry. I watched this video hoping to feel less lost in life, and my guidance came with these words. Thank you both for putting this together. It was worth every second.
No liberty.
In this world.
So not good help:
For healing..... 😮
@@andyclausen5521all good things on eart-h are to be found within your own h-eart ❤
It's amazing for me to be 63 & only in the last few years have I realized how my childhood kept me trapped in thoughts & beliefs about myself based not on the truth; but on how my infant self perceived events back then, I finally understood my mother's yearly months spent away from us were caused by her mental illness and consciously I'd known that and accepted it as beyongd her control; yet an abandoned feeling haunted my whole life, from waking up in an orphanage at 4 years old, without my sisters or parents there.
My sisters were in other classes according to their ages & I did not know why I was there without any family. Mom didn't choose any of that nor did my dad who had 6 little girls he could not watch & work to house & feed.
I left the hurt realizing they'd always loved their kids but they'd been raised by really unloving parents, Dad's mom died when he was 2, kicked out of a house of 13 kids at age10 & Mom's whole family suffered with bipoar illness and more mental health issues too..
Letting go of thinking/feeling subconsciously abandoned has helped me so much. (He came to get us all as soon as he could)..We can set ourselves free.
Dude
It's about the liberty of ourselves.@@andyclausen5521
Listening to Gabor Mate makes me love humanity. His way of talking about the human species is so interesting and passionate. Thank you Jay for having this conversation recorded !
Too bad he doesn't narrate his books himself on Audible. Such a big loss. His voice and the way he talks is such a big part of his work.
@@aptkunltd Yeah, I would buy his audiobooks if he narrated them.
Yes!!!
@@BlondeManNoName He narrates Hold On To Your Kids in Apple Books
We need more Gabor Mates everybody !!
What a beautiful representation of the human spirit. Trauma can be heald! You aren't just damaged goods that nobody would want, you're in pain and need some kind words and self care. Gabor is a lighthouse.
As Gabor wrote in one of his books: “It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior.”
What's the name of the book in which this quote of his appears? Thanks in advance
In the realm of hungry ghosts
"Don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain."
I do not understand. I come from a family of addicts and I never turned to drugs as a child sexual survivor
It normally skips a generation
As a mother working through my own trauma alongside trying to grow a healthy human… this is the podcast I’ve been needing!!!!! An amazing start to an amazing day
i'm so proud of you, especially of the fact that you're a mother too trying to heal yourself. i'm so glad that you won't have to pass on your trauma onto your children. thank you for trying to break the cycle. you are a hero, rooting for you!!
@@sk-hx7dv thank you so much!!! It’s been a huge part of the journey to have support so thank you 💗🤗
I am with you! As a single mom and in a new relationship I'm seeing so much trauma i have not healed from not just in my marriage but trauma from childhood. And it was real trauma not just a difficult experience.
And just to tell you... You're doing great. We as moms are doing our best!! This was definitely needed today
even moms need to heal their inner child too :)
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
05:41 🌱 Trauma is not what happened to you; it's the wound that is sustained as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is a psychic wound that can be healed.
08:57 💪 Vulnerability is essential for growth, and time alone does not heal wounds. Healing involves becoming whole, and it requires letting go of defenses.
14:02 🧒 Children need unconditional love, freedom to experience all emotions, and the opportunity for spontaneous play for healthy development. The current societal conditions often fail to meet these essential needs.
20:02 👶 Children raised with a more natural and nurturing approach tend to have healthier self-identities and resist societal pressures to conform to external values. They find purpose and remain grounded.
22:59 🧰 Unlearning past behaviors and developing a different perspective can help navigate the world more authentically and effectively, even in a society with contrasting values and expectations.
23:41 🧠 Identifying and addressing the trauma in one's life can help break the cycle of repeating the same patterns as most people do.
25:32 🚼 Mollycoddling children isn't about loving them too much but about projecting parental anxieties onto them, which can make kids anxious and ungrounded.
28:45 🧒 Children don't need to be deliberately exposed to pain, as life will inevitably bring pain. The key is to support them while they endure pain, helping them move through it.
35:01 🙇♂️ The challenge is to balance authenticity and attachment. Over-identifying with roles and labels can limit personal growth and authenticity.
46:07 💪 Sensitivity in children varies, and their reactions to trauma are influenced by factors such as birth order, family circumstances, and coping mechanisms developed.
46:21 🙏 Acknowledgment of suffering is the first step in healing, and it's important to listen and fully acknowledge the pain and trauma.
50:29 🌍 Loneliness is a perception, and there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. It's essential to be open, vulnerable, and willing to connect with others to combat loneliness.
53:33 💡 Human nature isn't rigidly defined, but human potential is based on human needs. Meeting these needs leads to healthy development, while frustration of these needs can lead to negative outcomes.
01:00:55 ✌️ Acknowledgment of suffering, especially on a societal level, is crucial for healing and reconciliation, as seen in the example of post-genocide Rwanda.
01:07:51 🙅 Don't wait for external apologies or validation for healing. Acknowledge your suffering, look for wisdom and healing within your culture and society, and don't become dependent on external factors for healing.
01:09:47 🤔 Forgiveness is about releasing hatred and resentment that limits you, not necessarily condoning the actions.
01:10:28 🌟 Spirituality is a sense of connection to something larger than oneself, transcending body and ego.
01:11:20 🌿 Indigenous people have a profound connection with nature, emphasizing unity with the environment.
01:11:47 💫 The medicine wheel in indigenous traditions involves emotional, physical, social, and spiritual aspects, promoting wholeness.
01:16:00 🦋 The best advice on healing and trauma is to "be yourself" and stay authentic.
Thank you ☺️
Wow ❤
How does one forgive the person who is constantly a reminder of your pain? How do you forgive them if live with you ? How to do rise above there accusations and insults?
Well summarised! Thank you
@@crystalH30 - Cut the ties, get out, and steer clear in the future. Then forgive them from afar. From Tahiti if need be.
I resonated with “Being alone is a fact that we can embrace and make decisions about. Loneliness is a perception with an emotion charge to it. You can be alone and not be lonely. And you can be surrounded by all kinds of people and feel Lonely. It’s just how you chose to perceive it.
Suffering has to be acknowledged to heal. You have to understand your trauma. Don’t wait for the world to acknowledge ur suffering acknowledge it yourself so you can finally heal. Release ur heart from the cage trauma cause.”
So well said
@@ronilda2231ö
@@Svietlannaa hopefully 🤞 you will heal soon ♥️♥️
I’m a Indigenous person from North America, I also live in Vancouver, Canada. I really liked how Dr. Gabor talks about acknowledging your own suffering and pain, it’s what I have been doing the last couple years since these residential schools have drastically effected my life. It’s what I’m showing others in the Indigenous community now they can do by being that example of it, by slowly going back to my traditionally ways.
Thank you for that acknowledgement on these things Dr. Gabor.
Jajóm (thank you) for sharing, Peter. Many of us in the Taíno Indigenous community are going through the same process now, especially after being told we went extinct more than 500 years ago. We are with you and the rest of our siblings from Turtle Island.🙏🏼
🎃
It always grips my heart when I hear about these tragedies - sending much love and healing your way!
Bravo for your courage, Peter! I, too, come from Vancouver and see and understand the trauma your culture has suffered. Best wishes!
This is so beautiful and imperative. As indigenous peoples we are connected to our ancestors, nature and the spirit realm on a cellular level. We are the microcosmic energy here to learn to transmute suffering. This is my fav topic to discuss. I see beauty in all things especially in trauma 🕉️
I VASTLY prefer these types of guests over celebrities…awesome podcast Jay 💪🏿
I agree! Far more interesting and entertaining.
I will refer back to this podcast as I try to retain the info herein. . Lol I have adult ADHD....smh
Yess
i couldnt agreed more with this statement!
Couldn’t agree with you more
There is so much gold in this interview, so many crucial takeaways, but one thing I just want to highlight that I so appreciate as a viewer is how much Gabor always makes a point to make clear the definition of what it is they are talking about, to make sure we and they are all on the same page. That is SO important when talking about any deep topic, and I very much appreciate his attention to language.
Me too! I really love how he explained the meaning of words.
That's what keeps us aligned in loving.
Yes 🙌🏼 including examples!
I truly agree with u..
100%
Honestly, I have never seen or heard of a man with such a power for clear thinking! A man true to himself. A man whose knowledge he takes with modesty and passes on as simple fact. He is deep and discerning, and delves into roots of words, into studies by colleagues, he brings forward truths that can simply make this a better world! He has, to me, ascended to the level of prophets and great teachers! Thank you both! The harmony and smoothness in this interview was a pure pleasure!
I’ve seen many interviews with Dr Gabor Maté, trying to absorb the wisdom he shares, and this interview is by far the best I’ve seen. It feels as though Jay approaches this material with genuine interest and curiosity; there is a humility and warmth here that I truly appreciate and makes for a beautiful conversation.
He was able to open up and share and be vulnerable, that in turns gives us courage and hope to do the same
What a gift Gabor Maté is to the world.
Very much so. Good clarity.
Yes!
❤️❤️❤️
Dr. Mate states that our level of Sensitivity defines us - who we are; I've never
realized this - it is so true.
It's no wonder that very
sensitive people feel out of sync with the world at large
Well said
My soul has been shattered and broken so many times I'm happy I'm listening to this
As a highly sensitive woman who struggles with BPD I finally feel understood by a doctor 🤯 thank you!
May you always be blessed understood and loved 🙏🏼💝
Me too. He makes me cry as I feel validated by his words. He is a healer.
Yes, me too. I used to have so many triggers and it really was like every reaction was of the same intensity or more (due to accumulation) than the first time. I didn’t want it to break up my family and hit rock bottom, that is when I started therapy and learning about trauma for the first time in my life. This man is a gift 💝
@@erinchillmusic8930 couldn't agree more that he is a gift! I'm so thankful for youtube supporting people like this 🥰 to share their voice
I have BPD too, stay strong, you got this ! You are loved. I really wish you the best in life
The wisdom of the elders should remain . Modern society denigrates the value of the elders based on their materialistic productivity , but their value is higher and goes beyond out perceived dimension . Thanks Gabor Mate for sharing your wisdom , also thank you Jay for doing the job to bring him to your podcast and share it here. I am from Guatemala, if it wasn’t for podcast like this i would never have the opportunity to hear so much wisdom . God bless you !
It is good you were here.😊
I find great consolation reading the scriptures and looking to the traditional holy Catholic Church for interpretation
“Vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded” ❤
❤
Yes it echos
Help me understand why does the literal definition of a word arouse people so much? I get that the sly interviewer wanted to make this into a big thing, but must people follow deception? It's just the definition of a word. It's not deep, not thoughtful, nothing. Yet people fall for the most regular bs ever. No wonder Americans have to choose between such creatures, and they fight against each other because of these creatures. Now, i might be arrogant and wrong and if I'm as such, I'd be thrilled to apologize and understand why I'm wrong. What's so special about the literal definition of a word???
😅🎉
Can also be a death sentence to naive humans.
I loved his point about acknowledging suffering. My parents separated when I was 18 which resulted in my Mum depending on me to do things such as visit her solicitor. She never acknowledged what I did for her during the separation.
Many years later I gathered the courage to go to therapy to discuss what happened. The therapist said after a few sessions that 'you know what you did, Arron, you can acknowledge yourself'. It was like someone opened a door regarding the acknowledgement because I knew my Mum would never say thank you or acknowledge what I did.
Acknowledgement is so powerful and we can do it for ourselve instead of waiting for someone because you will be left waiting!
Who asked
Recovering from a narcissists betrayal is slow at best, one day at a time. First you have to recognize it: understand that the issue, the problem does not lie within you. We all do and say things in relationships that we wish we hadn't, that we can't take back…however it is in recognizing this that steps can be taken to correct and become better in our interactions with others. Narcissists cannot do this, it's always someone else's fault, they cannot genuinely look at themselves and see the need for improvement. The pain they inflict is very real and very hurtful. Being betrayed isn't a fault of the one being betrayed, but the cause of the betrayer. Loving someone that betrays you hurts…loving someone that has no empathy for the pain they've caused is maddening. Once you recognize it, can see it for what it is then is time to move on to acceptance.
Accepting the fact that another person, a narcissist, has no empathy for your pain, the pain they've caused, isn't easy. Accepting the fact they just don't have the level of care, love, self awareness is a must though. Understanding and accepting that this relationship will never be what you had envisioned is key to recovering. A narcissist just isn't capable of having a relationship on that level, they are simply not capable to work through the many ups and downs, the kinks, of a relationship. Maybe their fault, maybe not but the facts are still the same..the end result is still the same. It's highly doubtful that you'd ever get a narcissist to see where they are wrong, to see the pain they've caused, what they see and what they look at is themselves, all else is really a mute point for them. So, in my opinion, trying to get them to see, to understand, the pain inflicted only hinders the recovery process.
Finally when recognizing and acceptance have taken place, one needs to find a place within them where they can forgive. Forgiveness comes from love, and it's really more for the injured party than the narcissist themselves. Forgiveness facilitates healing. Hatred and anger only breeds bitterness within a person. Take what you can from a relationship with a narcissist, take peace, love for others and leave the narcissist and bitterness behind. Take comfort in knowing you do have value as a human being, your value does not come from others, especially a narcissist who can only really see themselves. Such a sad way to exist really when you think about. Satisfaction from within a relationship is a mutual thing, the give and take on both sides, the narcissist will never know that great satisfaction of a true, committed relationship. (Commitment to to see it through and make personal improvements)
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
@@DanielWilder-mq7nc hopefully 🤞 you will heal soon ♥️♥️
45:57 "Having said that, the other child who doesn't become an addict hasn't neccessarily escaped". This is me. I didn't become addicted like my sibling, but I also never truly escaped. I have never felt so understood before in my life.
Agreed - I have 2 other siblings who both have addictions as a result of our childhood. At times I’ve envied their ability to escape their pain through drugs, alcohol, gambling.
@@LeslieJacobsondumb lol
Lol ur just ignorant
@@armandos3022that's not nice. You are not in this persons shoes.
That's really interesting, and I wish I could explore and understand your situation. I'm actually the child that ended up with addiction, now almost 7 years clean from 20 years of high-functioning (mostly) addiction to numb myself and avoid my recurring traumatic images, pain, sorrow - deep, deep painful sorrow that would just have me burst into tears wherever I was - it's still ongoing
I mourn the little girl that was abused … and I fight to protect her every day - the little girl inside of me
Same here ❤🥺
Me too
❤ me too
Growing up, I was verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally abused. i thought it was normal , now I'm involved in an abusive relationship i know it's not right ,but why am I still here giving him chances after chances??🥹🤦♀️
“Pain is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to become traumatic.” Love your children. ❤ 28:48
Wish my parents did. Interest in me , might of helped.
The zen in his voice!! I could listen to him all day! He makes me feel calm 🙏🏻 Such wisdom 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Yes, was thinking the exact same thing.
Yep, when I'm really down and out I fall asleep listening to Gabor talk. Very comforting!
Glad to know I am not alone....His voice is definitely therapeutic.
Absolutely 💯
Bass-baritone, like Elvis or Leonard Cohen :D
Thank you for your validation. My wounds get triggered and pain emerges as if it’s happening right now. I have been accused of living in the past. I reply with I don’t want these memories to occupy my body. My entire body hurts. I write poetry to express my pain. I have been in counseling and medicated, 2 docs have validated my pain. My family never validated my family abuse, instead accused me of being mentally ill and a selfish centered liar. My one male sibling said he believed this year 2022. Im 69. I have 5 male siblings. No sisters. He’s the only one willing to listen, but even though he believed me he never said how horrible for me to have experienced that alone with no one to protect me. I had to pretend I respected my parents all my life. They are dead now, but they still haunt my dreams. They still pop up with specific triggers. I am proud that I left an abusive husband when my two children were 2 and 4 and raised them as a single parent and stopped the abusive cycle. My adult children are loving kind hearted people that I am so lucky to be their mother.
Two of my poems
“My face is a roadmap.
My face is a roadmap of paralyzed fear
It lost the contour of shine
Where sadness appears.
My face is a roadmap
To my story afraid to unfold
My face is a roadmap
Of all the tears buried beneath the road.
My face is a roadmap
Where once there was light
Molesting father , narcissistic mother and brother
Darkened it
to ashen abysmal night.
For years my hidden molestation is what I thought shredded my soul
that didn’t compare to the narcissistic abuse my mother and Christianity bestowed.
Trampling my heart, lungs, and vocal cords.
My face is a roadmap
Of Christian demise
Respect honor your parents at all cost
Are the lies.
I didn’t fight back,
l didn’t utter a word.
I didn’t even know what was a healthy loving world.
My face is a roadmap
Aging lines of frequent attacks
From a shell of a mother
Reminding me
You’re selfish
Self centered
Regardless of the mountain of love showered to
Her impenetrable heart sac.
My face is a roadmap
Wiped out by the tidal wave of trauma
Voice smothered to the depths of all that
Surreal drama.
Good days I’m grateful to be alive,
Rough days I struggle to stay to survive.
My face is a roadmap
69 years
Mixed with the joy of my children
Loss of parental nuclear family love foundation
Stained with tears.
It took years layered with abusive narcissistic tasks
To turn my roadmap
Into a pretend happy mask.
My face is a roadmap
It conceals
Reveals
A generation of trust built on sand
A broken trust in me
Constantly needs
A helping hand
Today, I author this piece to drive out my fears
I want to claim happiness
What’s left of my years.
My face is a roadmap
Also shows joy
It came with a price
I’d pay again and again
To have my precious girl and boy.
There is a truth to a portion of my heart undefeated
That truth my two children saved
With love over their years
They repeated.
My face is a roadmap
Blake stares
To a far away place
Where all children are gently loved
Always kept safe. “
My most current poem
“I was a little dandelion
I was a little dandelion, standing all alone.
We always grow in mass bunches,
What strangeness is this, I moan?
Tromping heavy treaded boots smashed flat
my tiny little head.
If only I was a giant sunflower I wouldn’t be left lying here
lifeless,
dead.
Surprise!
Fooled the cruel tromperwalkers,
I slipped right through their tread
Thriving to a world unsafe
I stand strong to what’s ahead!”
I found your poems very moving and they resonated a lot, thank you for sharing them. x
Allow the adult child to speak and do now all the things you couldn’t & didn’t as a child…..be your own super hero=Be the Change you want to see
💛🐛🦋
I'm sorry for what you went through in your life. Beautiful poems... releasing the pain. ❤️
@@yvonnebreiner2319 thank you kindly.
Start reading books by Michael Singer. He can help you learn to get out of this vicious cycle….
Someone once said, don't dig unnecessarily into the past and dwell torturously there in order to heal. You won't remember everything and certainly not in that way. Focus and deal with what arises now, because that is what should be dealt with and that is what is important. Anything important from the past that wants to be heard will come up in the present, without you having to force it and dig and over-analyze.
that is absolutely true! thanks for putting it in such a caring wordings! The present is what matters most and we were not taught that at a very young age.
Thank you for this, it is so helpful for us over thinker/ analyzers
Long live TH-cam university
I remember my mum used to say that and I wish I had someone telling me these carrying words before I started digging. Maybe it was because my psychology degree and the subject for my dissertation and together the weekly therapy I was doing. And I didn’t stopped I went so deep into everything, every part of each traumatic event I’ve experienced, and I fell I went into a massive depresive episode for 2 weeks even with psychotic symptoms - I’ve been admitted 10 days - they gave me antipsychotics and antidepressants and it took me 6 months to get back on my feet, however during that period I did managed to finish the university and go through a traumatic event of leaving a house where I lived with my ex partner for 3
Years, I lost my pet, my job, my car, and I just stayed in a bed for 3
Months, with walking maybe twice a week outside and washing every weeks - and this comes from a person that was multitasking so many aspects of their life before (doing full time university-
Working full time - managing 2 businesses-
Volunteering). And in the end yes I managed to get up I managed to travel again and come back to UK, I pushed myself to go to a part time job, I completed my dissertation, but I also received a lot of love from the people around me, and it helped for the moment, but many times I was alone. Now October 2024 I want to say that I’m back, I’m not fully myself because something got lost, but I have a successful career I’m an overachiever in my company, I work full time I have amazing new friends I am back in society. And yes what I want to say, I still wish I had someone like you to tell me those move words and I didn’t had to go through all of that, but unfortunately I went due to circumstances and I hit rock bottom, but I’ve reborn. I still don’t know if it’s good to face the links towards your trauma or not, for me it worked well in the end it took a years of my life, but now I know everything. And my approach towards others and life is totally different
@@alfarao7662my favorite and only school 😂
I swear Dr. Gabor is the only person to say exactly how I feel and is amazing at explaining feelings and why people react and do the things we do. It makes me feel a sense of peace due to never being understood and not understanding why I feel the way I do. I am a mother and have trauma and trying to seek help and resources to heal myself so I can be the best mom. This man has helped me alot! Thank you for sharing all your knowledge.
It breaks my heart to see how many of us were sexually abused as kids and how that affected us as adults. But one thing i know each one of us is a freaking SURVIVOR.
Amen and we do not have to give the ones who treated us bad one more minute of our life, our energy, our thoughts, our time or our futures.. These people are destroyed people and we did not cause that. Now we can pass that pain on or we can reject it and the damage it does, instead we can decide to leave the guilt, the burden of it all and walk forward leaving it with the ones who caused it and choose to stop punishing ourselves.and to stop allowing anyone else to treat us badly. Your inner child needs your unwavering love now and you WILL ALWAYS be there for you.
Besides that, most of the people I know, who experienced trauma, are very sensitive and soulful. I pray for everyone in pain.
Blessings❤️🙏🏻
@@timtimsen3967 true, pain seems to do some things to people that somehow sets them on a sped up or increased evolution path of inner growth & understanding like it hyper sensitizes a person, opens up their minds, gives increased emotional intelligence to alot of people who've gone through very different experiences maybe yet it does seem to force a extra level of subconscious and conscious awareness .
@michaelcirillo-ov3my I'm so sorry, you deserved so much better.
Nie wiem jak masz na imię i kim jesteś ale kocham cię ❤ Agnieszka z Polski
This Dr has just spoken to me in ways I've never heard before. He understands the human condition and is so authentic. Very deep philosophy from a scientist. Recovering from trauma is a long journey but possible
Scientist, Dr, Teacher, mentor, author, and BEST HUMAN ♥
"Identifying with anything limits your growth" one of the many true things spoken about here. Wow.
Don't turn into the mob after the game.
Whatever happened to sportsmanship?
Attaching your identity to something (besides your self) will limit you -- because it's something that's not genuinely part of you and it disconnects you from your true identity.
The phrase "identifying with anything limits your growth" suggests that when you strongly attach yourself to a particular identity, belief, ideology, or concept, it can constrain your ability to develop and evolve as an individual. By identifying closely with something, you may become rigid in your thinking and less open to new perspectives, experiences, and opportunities for personal growth. Essentially, it's implying that being overly attached to any single aspect of yourself or your worldview can hinder your potential for expansion and development.
@maryanmartinez4935
I don't agree with that. Identifying is good, you feel there r other people in this world just like u, you're not alone and it helps u to continue in your path.
As a child I was subject to constant abuse from a very early age right up until I left the home.
Coming to terms with the trauma is really the hardest issue.
I was in addiction for 25 years and self sabotaged every good relationship that came my way.
As an early adult violence was my communication and I fought for attention and fought for affection.
Fight or flight is all I knew.
Unpacking your trauma is key to your recovery as the older we get the more it will consume you,so much so as Dr Gabor says will manifest into illness.
Put one foot infront of the other if that’s all you can do right here right now , take life on just second by second if you have to and know you are worthy, you are wanted , you are loved, you have a purpose.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you well.
@@LisaDavis1 Thankyou :) if someone can relate to my story in just the smallest sense I hope I’ve achieved something positive.
Through abuse you self isolate and loneliness is your friend.
Stepping into the light and taking your power back is such a freeing and monumental change for the better. ✌🏽
Thank you for this comment. From your story I can relate very much, almost like I'm your younger self. If you don't mind sharing, what was the age when you "woke up" in?
This gives me a glimmer of hope for my niece. She is so angry at the world and won't stop hurting herself and those around her. She has every right to be angry. I hope she comes out alive.
@@Hadas705 I’m now 45 it wasn’t until really recently I took ownership of my life, the more aware you are the better.
Sometimes, I just feel really lost and just start scrolling to find something. I don't even know what it is to help so am gonna try you
😅 Yup 👍
Being kind is our nature! That is so true. We get so carried away by the pursuit of success and fame of this industrious world that we forget our true natures.
"It hurts so much being ourselves", is such an accurate phrase on why we deviate so much from our authentic self. I have a certain fear to seek out my authentic self because "what if my authentic self is a bad person?"
I believe a more relaxed version without the baggage
The more i listen to the good doctor....the greater the possibility that i will realize that ive fucked up multiple times as a parent. And the tears will start to flow 🥺
OMG!! I needed to hear this!! As soon as you said there are people who are so sensitive that they can’t stand living in this world it resonated with my soul!! Because this is exactly how I feel and I hate it! I hate this world because it is so wicked, dangerous and scary. I loved this entire video so much. Thank you!
I feel the same! Constant fear. I deleted fb and listen to podcasts a lot. Oh and mediate. Good luck to you. You are loved ❤
I too feel the same. More fear in me.
Hating this world but still trying to love a little which is too hard
You have to get out of that victim mentality. You cant make anyone responsible for how youre feeling.
Highly Sensitive People make up 20% of the population.
~ you better find something you REALLY LOVE!!! CLUE: it’s your Life Path, Mission. HAVE FUN! That’s an ORDER!😉🙏🏽
I have to pause the video a million times to digest the wisdom and knowledge that they are imparting
This might sound so pathetic but if you believe in the power of prayer would you mind praying for me? I’m extremely depressed. I suffered a very high level of trauma as a child. My worst fears from childhood have come true and it’s rocked my world. I’m beyond miserable.
I've been through what you're going through... A total loss of self and having to find a new what for... It's painful but can be an enlightening journey when we allow the pain and breath through it... My prayers are with you. Strength pours out the other side, just hold on for the ride.
Hugs and love, prayer to you. Remember these words, you are loved and you matter. Hugs my fellow human being.
Prayer for your peace, comfort and healing 🙏
🙏❤
I send you my Tibetan prayers - Om mani pedme hum infinity x ♾️ May you find insight and wisdom to tackle your pain & suffering 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
This man is legendary in his field. Every interview is upgrade to my soul. Thank you so much for your work. Thank you Jay 🙏
My FA ex broke up with me couple months ago and she couldn't pin point why she was feeling that way... She had such a tough childhood growing up and more i listen to these podcasts i cant help but think of her remember her and feel bad for her makes me wanna cry. i hope she finds healing and is loved unconditionally.
All healthy love should have “some” conditions to it and these need to be expected and addressed in a healthy adult conversation.
These are called boundaries ,which include emotional or physical abuse ,meeting each other’s needs,etc….
Thank you for defining so many things! Framing trauma and healing was an ah ha moment! "Trauma is the wound and Wounds can be healed". "Vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded and without vulnerability we can't grow". Makes sense!!
Mate: “It hurts so much, at some point, to be yourself.”
I feel this inside, but Dr Maté’s explanations help me see that I am not weird or strange. Thank you!
yes, especially born as a nation that majority of countries have bad image on and not be respected .THIS IS THE WORST....because even they can change passport to be different nationality but they cannot change their DNA and real nationality inside their bodies.
Nicely said , I feel the same
Dr Mate is a the true definition of a Boddhisattva. This man is giving so much to the world to ease its suffering. Immensely grateful for you sharing his work.
I recently read gabor mates book "when the body says no " as i recently went through testicular cancer and it actually filled many gaps in my thinking and perspective of life ,emotion managing,and needs that have to be met ! I wm also one of the more sensitive kind of people and you helped me a lot . THANK YOU IF YOU EVER SEE THIS I'M GLAD THAT I DISCOVERED YOUR BOOKS AND YOUR GREAT PERSPECTIVE !!!!
Triggers are gifts that offer us to see the unhealed wounding within us so we then are given another opportunity to heal it with love and forgiveness ❤
Forgiving yourself for carrying these toxic emotions for as long as you have is a great place to start 😊
💯
feels more like truncheon
Should be no issue of you forgiving yourself as you are not the one that put the trauma in your life that wired your amygdala and limbic system to be triggered in this way. But it does create awareness for individuals to do the work they need to do in order to heal these issues. You are not the one that installed these toxic triggers and therefore you are not the one that need apologize for them.
“The moment there is a ‘have to’ there is resistance.” Dr. Mate’s declining to participate in creating resistance has great understanding behind it. I know that I shut down as soon as I feel pushed. Someone told me once that you cannot push a piece of string - it folds back on itself…but you CAN draw it toward you. Addicts can’t be pushed into stopping. As in my case, they can be drawn by the experience of seeing recovery and acceptance in others. That simple distinction saved my life and has given me 38 years in recovery and healing. Thank you both for this beautiful conversation between seekers. 🙏💜🇺🇸
🙇♀️🙏🏼🕊🌿🌾
Wow.. great words. xxx . with suicide... dont make it a permanent solution to that temporary problem.
Thank you Dr Gabor Mate. I discovered you six hours ago on another podcast and am elated.
50 years of grief has held me prisoner to not healing.
Today, in my darkest hour, I now feel safe.
Addiction has beey my life.
Acknowledging myself today.
I suffered a horrific childhood and have spent my life trying to have my biological family (whom i am estranged from) fighting for their love, validation.
Simply wanted to belong and have heritage.
Dr Mate, you have changed my life.
Thank you
@@florachildress3531 Hello
In response to the first part of your comment: ' healed in 6 hours'... that would be impossible as you know. Perhaps, I should clarify: 'finally in my fifth decade of life, resonated with Dr Mate and his truth not only as a Dr, but as a man. A stranger telling his truth about his childhood, marriage, treatment of his own children, his addiction and finding solutions.
I have never met you, but please know the following: I love you as a fellow human and am honestly sorry to hear of your life experiences, hurt, and position.
Your story resonates and I thank you for your honesty.
We are not alone. It is validation for ourselves that there are other people in this world with the courage to truthfully share their life experiences, hurt and truth.
I agree with being unable to trust others. Enduring the heartlessness of our families not acknowledging us, our truth and there being any real resolution.
I care about you!!
Look forward to hearing from you
❤️🤗
much love goes out to you! And a hug :)
@@florachildress3531 Hello
Hope you are ok
I really appreciate your sarcastic comment.. little nasty don't you think.
You have no idea what I have endured in my life.
Simply meant: The words of Dr Mate resonated. Take care
@KS-us9cb im sorry, i dont believe i even made a reply to your comment.
@KS-us9cb ok, i found my reply on your post, I truly did not mean to sound snarky, it's just that as much as I have tried to get fixed so to speak has not much worked for me. I haven't got to listen to Gabor, but a small bit, I sure did not mean to insult you at all. I know it's rough trying to heal from a lifetime of pain and disappointment. I hope you find healing, I must listen to this man. Maybe he can give me some insight. Praying and staying in mind of Jehovah helps me. It keeps me safe.
By far, this is THE BEST INTERVIEW Jay, please invite him again. So full of wisdom
I moved out of state from my own traumas to grow and evolve, I devloped my own unhealthy coping mechanisims, fast forward 2 years later, my parents are evolving and healing and all is seeming better. I just sent this to them as I have never felt more understood and seen. I hope it can further help their evolution from their past traumas as well. Thank you Jay❤
You've played a major role in me recovering from things I thought would genuinely kill me. I'm not out of the woods yet, not sure if I ever will be, but you have helped in ways words cannot convey
Yes to this definition of healing... "The integrity of a person who is no longer split off from themself. " So well articulated.
Thank you Gabor and Jay for another illuminating conversation.
Thank you Mr. Gabor Mate. We need people like you to spread the word as to what happened to us indigenous people. The more people that understand the better because it could happen to any race of people. The way things are going now, we are ready to make a stand so that we can put our families and communities back together again.
Brilliant. He is so soothing. You can feel the peace radiating off of him.
Even his voice is so soothing, not only the meaning of the words
Thank you for bringing Gabor Mate on. He is pure, raw, honest, highly experienced, specialized and knowledgeable.
Lately, by your choice of certain guests, I wondered if the world got you.
It's my wish you have found the meaning back and continue bringing us real rolemodels.
Wonderful interview x thank you
I just wanted to say a big thanks for this amazing podcast. It's been like a personal guide, helping me understand myself better and inspiring me to become a better version of myself.
The enlightment of this man is almost overwhelming, I can find peace and connect to my true self only by listening to his words
I have never felt so emotional or connected during a TALK! Thank you two for making such a soul awakening conversation possible.
Best friends like being at a Christmas party..iam alone but not lonely
Same here!
It's so nice to see the number of people who are listening to this... Such important discussions ❤
So thankful for people who have platforms and can spread this knowledge. I spent years being sick, diagnosed with POTS, heart issues, neurological symptoms that resembled MS but left my neurologist baffled. I kept telling my neurologist I think this is related to my trauma. He dismissed me over and over again and I eventually stopped going to him even though he was a doctor with good intentions originally trying to find the root cause with tests and MRIs etc. but I left and recently did somatic therapy and ketamine assisted therapy and my symptoms are gone: normal heart rate, no fainting, no neurological issues or tremors
As a child, I loved everyone and everything. Over the years, this reality has taught me about hatred.
If you can't forgive someone else, forgive yourself for not being able to forgive for the time being❤
Very wise words, thank you.
8:23
Many people are confused about the difference between forgiveness and forgetting. Both are not connected.
Well said ..thank u
@sophiavega1777 No, thank you
What stood out is the anxious parent projecting that onto kids by trying to avoid all pain. I needed to hear that, cause I am yet to have kids but definitely am more of the try not to cause any pain type. Very insightful.
Like most others I see here, I feel it almost necessary to acknowledge and appreciate this profound conversation. It can only happen in a setting where there is intelligence, curiosity and most importantly, humility. It's been a while since I forgot my worries long enough to be truly absorbed in something..but this helped do exactly that.
Yes indeed! Humility Curiosity Intelligence.
Dear Jay and Dr.Maté, thank you so much, I’m so grateful to live at the same time as you! You are truly two diamonds of human beings. I cried when Dr. Maté was answering the fourth question… “My purpose is that people are free…” I’ve rewatched it more than 10 times! Bravo, brilliant!
Healing requires the vulnerability that caused the trauma when it was denied or used against us, and that's really difficult, to feel all the softness and pain again, but we'll get there 💙🌠
For openers, perhaps assessing one's level of Sensitivity would be appropriate; doing this could save years of misguided therapy. Most of us benefit from therapy, yet, the more targeted it is, the more positive the results.
The dialogue between these two men is profound; thank you both for sharing your collective wisdom.
I now have a new perspective of my life.
ifYOUwouldlisten -
Thank you!
but doesn't that makes us open as target of exploitation again?
@@vivvy_0 i guess thats where we need to have a newly differentiated system where we open ourselves up again but know who to let have acess to us and who not to ever again
@@cherylelancaster8791 💙💙🎇😊
Gabor is an international treasure and pairing up with Jay for this interview led to a conversation that was raw and meaningful. One of the best podcasts I've ever watched for sure!
Out of all the podcasts ive listened to, videos ive watched, self help books ive read, therapists ive talked to, i have honestly never gotten so many insights in one sitting. Thank you Jay and Gabor for this absolutely mind blowing interview.
Some of the problem is the expectation; the apology we deserve is our expectation. What we "deserve" is our personal definition. It's never helpful to place our healing in someone else's hand.
Always hoped for people to apologize and acknowledge for inflicted pain...Now I understand that I have to focus on acknowledgment of my pain.
I appreciate Dr. Gabor Mate pointing out the needs of kids (and ourselves when we were kids), it is helpful in understanding me and my clients and also my own children. Especially to see what we may have missed.
Without question, this has been my ALL time favourite podcast "on purpose". I have been following Dr,. Gabor Maté,s interviews, via many podcasts, over the past few weeks. THIS has been extraordinary. Jay Shetty, your questions were oustancing, and Dr. Mate, your responses mind blowing. I will be watching this episode again, in order to allow all of this wisdom to penetrate deeply into my bones and soul. Absolutely birlliant. Can't wait to dive deep into this book. So much to learn, about primarily myself....and thus, others. Thank YOU both so very much for this incredibly profound conversation.
Thank YOU❤
❤ I agree definitely worth a rewatch! So much valuable information. Definitely like the part of acknowledging your own suffering...mind blowing
I can not express how much this episode of your podcast comes at a perfect time for me and for what I'm working on for my personal growth. Just thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Sammmeee❤
Left a toxic relationship in May. Why did I stay for so long? My journey to walk. Just ordered the book. I wish there were more therapist that learned this information. When they ask, "are you eating?, sleeping?" Come on lets get to the bottom of WHY. Great Podcast guys!
❤ “vulnerability is necessary for growth”
Love is what will help u grow. If u can love u will find your way.
His definition of "healing" literally made me cry.
I’ve watched and/or listened to this interview at least three times and still believe it’s one of the best long-form interviews online about trauma and wellness. Thanks Jay!
Dr. Gabor Mate is pure gold!!!! Less words but when he speaks “WOW,” he doesn’t ramble; each sentence is more impactful and insightful than before. 🙏🏻
The advice of Dr Maté resonates deeply with me. I first have to give up my addiction of alcohol. It is a heavy weight that prevents action and the ability to operate on a higher vibration. His wisdom will definitely help break through. Thank you Dr Maté and Jay.
Me too, jasmine. We can do it.
God Bless
Good luck guys. You've got this.
Biblical scripture explains the origins of human suffering quite simply and profoundly. A few examples are: Genesis chapters 1-3, Romans chapters 1-2, Galatians chapter 5: 19-21.
Freedom comes through the love and salvation of Jesus Christ. He loves you and died and rose for you....💙💙
I come back to the podcast from time to time and it is such a pleasant surprise to see Dr. Gabor Maté as your guest! I absolutely adore everything you both do and I admire both of you for your mission to help others. You both have helped me a lot. I hope I meet you someday. Can't wait to hear this conversation!!
This was easily the most influential episode you’ve ever done, Jay. I never knew who this man was until now and I can’t believe how much insight I gained from the hour and eighteen minutes. Doctor, you are so wise. 🙌✨
Gabnor Mate is astounding exceptional and people focused. Highly reccomend this wonderful Dr he is a human and truthful and filled with wisdom intellect and a sense of humor. Well rounded and with navy disciplines in medicine, psychology science and hands on field work is what makes is journey rewarding for both himself his patients and those he meets .
To grow, you have to let go of the shell (identification, safety net). The only time we experience growth is through vulnerability. To heal, be true to yourself.
I grew up in the seventies in a humble working class family and neighbourhood. Went to school, spent all my free time outside in nature... At 48 I still don't buy into Capitalism and although a slave of it to some extent, I feel like I have to play the game, to survive, but I don't live in that world, I feel an outsider to it, my values are still those of my childhood, family, nature, health, simplicity, friendship... A humble yet healthy and contented life
Read the book, and this conversation was so good. Dr. Gabor's perspective on trauma and healing makes so much sense and his method of compassionate inquiry has been a great way to approach or take a step towards our own healing. I'm learning the value and importance of returning to my authentic self and not betraying it. Thank you both. Life-changing 💪
The distinction you made between elderly and an elder is soothing for this solo 64 year old. I've lived the difference in the treatment of elders in Asian countries vs. the US and it is profound. Feeling honored, respected and valued in Asian countries is incomparable to how dismissed and burdensome I feel in America. I miss Asia for that reason.
In other words, if you found your passion and are not currently working towards that, trauma is the root cause and it made you lose yourself. Aka don’t feel bad about yourself for not *doing all you can* more like love yourself for doing what you’re able
Thank you so very much. I'm 62 have had lung cancer twice and I feel like I'm a chicken in a Nest ready to learn how to fly after hearing this. I am so very grateful. Thank you!
During and after our divorce. I was grieving hard. Unfortunately, I did not realize my 3 children were suffering much more than I was. At the time I unknowingly did not meet the emotional needs of my children. I was angry that my husband wanted a divorce. Then I made things worse. I worked none stop trying to make the home feel like a home where the father was there. Working and working but not meeting my children's emotional needs. I believed I was placing my children first. I think I was just meeting my own needs. That was a huge mistake. This is the first time hearing this .
There is one thing that stuck with me through the trauma of loss and the grief process was that i learned “everyone’s loss is the worst loss because it’s their loss”.
I feel trauma could replace the word loss and be respected the same.
I just appreciate both of your work so much and the key things that touch such deep levels of healing. Thank you so much.
"Escaping yourself and pain" as addiction has opened my eyes to my escapist habits (that aren't considered addictions or bad) are actually types of addictions/coping mechanisms.