After 48 years of marriage to whom I thought was someone who loved me unconditionally, I found out, after his death, that he had been a cheater and a liar. It broke my heart. I almost committed suicide. Then I decided to get even, and it helped me somewhat. His ashes, which I was going to blend with mine and spread at any body of water, I threw his ashes at a Walmart dumpster, a place he hated the most! It worked for me. I was able to move forward and am in an excellent relationship now.
I'm sorry for your sadness! It sucks and I just left a 21-year abusive relationship with a covert/malignant narcy, myself! I'm trying to heal and although it's extremely difficult, I refuse to let his lying, cheating, drug abusing arss break my life any longer! I was monogamous to a fault and am beyond hating him. I hope he has a long miserable life with his new supply and my old acquaintance!! May tornent each other! Okay, I guess I'm still a little angry, but I'm moving on!!!
I understand that feeling. I’m trying to get past it because the betrayers wanted me to be isolated and afraid. I don’t want to give them the pleasure. So I’m working on it, but it’s really tough. Sending you love and strength. 💜💪
After 33 years of abusive marriage, he decided the best time for him to “come clean”(tell us about his wh0re in another city), while he’s in hospice. I took care of him for the last 4 months. It was so hard because I hated him by then. I had to mourn the relationship, mourn the death…most difficult thing. I found being out with friends, journaling, great therapist, new hobbies, redirecting ruminating thoughts..It’s been a little over 2 years now and I’m doing great. Grateful every day for freedom and peace and I love being in control of my own life
@@suzetteshares I’ve seen multiple texts, she knew he was married, she specifically talked about their “secret). He was 61, she was 34…I saw the credit card bills so no, I stand by my comments but thanks for your input
@@oilselevated4808 If there were credit card statements, and she was technically in some way 'paid'...I see no reason that your characterization is inaccurate.
I knew someone like this but she got away after 13 years and before she was stubborn about moving in with her father, she finally did... sometimes its only a mental prison meaning family may allow you to move in or even a friend youve been to ashamed to ask... so please do!
@stevokennedy2383 if you're not ready yet. Plan your exit. Tell someone you trust and ask for help. You have no idea how "good" people are willing to help you exit the nightmare. Good luck
Trust but verify. Set expectations and biundries. Communication is key and sticking to your boundries. We need to learn to stand up for ourselves and not feel bad for doing so. I wish it didn't take so long to learn these things.
Abuse can also lead to autoimmune illnesses, changes in HPA axis, hypothyroidism, hypocortisolism, changes in brain structure (especially in children), changes in how the brain work (you can even call that a brain damage), changes in epigenetics (which genes active and which not), dysautonomia (the nervous system is permanently in flight or fight). Other physical illnesses.
Yes he just refuses to see what his actions have done to me. He's still so angry. That tells me he either: wants me to forget all about it and move on, or 2 he's still doing it. Neither is acceptable. I really want an adult relationship. I'm too depressed and traumatized to trust anyone.
It is real. It will alter and destroy your body and functions. I have complex PTSD and attribute my autoimmune condition to being married to a malignant narcisist for 17 years and have 3 children with him. He has alienated me from 2 of them, the oldest and youngest. The constant exposure to cortisol washing over my organs has caused permanent damage to my digestive system and had two separate surgeries to remove twisted colon and heavily scared section of large intestine. Lupus flares were constant and severe with pulmonary embolisms and irratic heart rhythm. I had to go NO CONTACT in 2023 and magically my symptoms lessened and I lost 40 lbs and hair grew back. Chest pressure disappeared and overall energy improved. He retailliated by not allowing my daughter to contact me since her senior year of high school and kept me from attending her graduation '24. I am so devasted to have lost my daughter to save myself.
Wow, I feel this now. Disassociation, depression and hopelessness, sleeping too much, hypervigilance....everything you have mentioned is what I'm dealing with.
51 male. Having to come clean with yourself and admit that you have been abused by people you loved is not easy. Then you realize you let them do it. You would get out of one bad relationship and wait and heal and get into another one. Now at 51 I am feeling very strange. I am unwilling to even try. I can’t seem to find my gear. I am getting healthier. I am caring for myself. But I have zero drive for people.
@@sameyeam5277 and thats ok. Self care really is the best. If you can afford i recommend whole body accupunture clinic.there are places that help mental health. It assisted me on my journey. Age44 female
This may not help the drive for other people part, because in some ways I have grown very fond of isolation and focusing solely on my dependents and close family and a circle of very few friends I've held dear over the years. But, I've found the hardest part of the betrayal trauma (one I've faced too many times at this point) is learning to trust yourself again. Trusting your instincts and intuition and deciphering them from deluding thoughts or personal patterns and habits. And some wounds can only be healed when another person sheds light on them. I'm not saying yiu should jump into the dumpster fire of a dating scene, but try not to discredit the opportunities to heal that the duality of a relationship can bring, even if it doesn't work out. Trust has to be earned. Boundaries established in kindness and resolve toward a greater goal. But yiu have to search yourself to find out what you really want. And make decisions from your spirit and not from your trauma, so that you can speak love into the places where you are still hurting
My narcissistic ex took me to court two weeks after our daughter was born by c-section, after abandoning us, would not give me the car seat, trapped me physically by blocking my car with his until he served me with papers. I was also 1600 miles from my support system. It was also a miserable pregnancy where I was told I was the problem. He recorded me when I was so sleep deprived, as I confronted him and played it for the courts in an attempt to say I was crazy to take our daughter away from me. It was the most terrifying experience of my life! We're about to go to custody trial after over two years...if he doesn't sign an agreement on my terms. This is very helpful, especially when explaining to court how damaging this intentional emotional abuse was! Thank you ❤
That's a terrible story. Message me if you need an expert witness psychologist that handles these exact situations and has been in your position herself.
@anoncspan4129 We went to the hearing Tuesday...we settled instead of going to trial...sadly, I didn't have $10,000 more to spend. I wanted to go to trial, but there was no guarantee that I would win because of his financial situation and some recordings he apparently had of me. I was very pissed off in those early days after our daughter's birth. I just couldn't risk losing my baby!
@anoncspan4129 I do, however, feel we will be fighting for custody in court again. I would love to have some insight about how to handle things with this guy in the future!
I’m with you. I feel it. Chronic pain (from accident alone saving old family home) family ultimately dismissed denied made me pay.. and all of the associated traumas. Including medical trauma. My heart goes out to you. I wish my mom were still alive. Bully boys are scary and deadly:( I never would have thought it possible. ❤
Bloating....fatigue....i kept getting low iron anemia ... chronic weird occular migraines...rage fits. I didbt recognize myself!!! Lost my hair. Dark circles... NARCISSISTS !!! Demons! 😢i have horrible trust issues. 😢😢😢
my wife lied to me sooo much i thought i was crazy , had a emotional affair that i read about .. she never , NEVER admitted it either.. IT CHANGED ME. still recovering after 32 years of marriage & realizing she was two different people. the one i thought and who she was. yes , i trusted her picked her loved her , what’s wrong with me …working a lot , and working out , eating well and sleeping well … but i’m probably never be NORMAL again
U will b I was married for 25 years I knew deep in my heart I had proof at the end . I begged my x for a divorce Finally I got up the courage to find a Pro Bono lawyer He never expected it lol At the time it wasn't funny far from it IMAGINE he was involved in a prostitution ring in Boston . Always tore his phone bill from work up I took it and steamed the bill over the kettle Man I was fit to b tied ! Kept on getting female problems WHY Thank God for a wonderful friend who told me what to do SHE is now divorced My son always wanted us to get bk to get her He passed from SUD Kids take the brunt of the crap He was evil from Finland BANGING his head when we would discuss something he couldn't handle . I was working with autistic kids then But I have 2 grandchildren thank God Move forward Me since 2007 I had my chance to marry again Nah I wasn't in love with him as much as he was with me Take care plz don't blame yourself I know many others how u feel Dive into something that really interesting to u I found out many things about me when I divorced him I didn't know I even had th e ability to do . See with me I suffer from an illness Ooo poor thing couldn't accept it He is a functioning alcoholic
Wow this is also what I’ve been dealing with .. to the T! I’m sick a lot physically…. I freeze up to the point I cannot move or talk to anyone. Yep - I collapse…. What’s worse is I can’t sleep lately - almost like insomnia, which is obviously not helpful for my mental and/or physical health. We have a beautiful 6 year old son together, but staying together is only causing more harm. I continue to pray for a way out and the realistic process. I do not want a broken family, but this is starting to break me but I know I’m I will get through this. Thank you for this realistic validation of what I’m actually going through! God bless you
This is what I have been experiencing & suffering from 2 years. Few days after the day I discovered about his cheating, I was even ready to give him 2nd chance as he seemed remorseful. But when I told about his betrayal to my parents he and my in-laws completely denied what he has done & blaming me. It hits like a double betrayal & retraumatizing . I am exhausted emotionally & physically. After listening this video I am feeling validated.
Understanding science, especially anatomy, physiology and neuroscience helps to grasp what’s happening within us when we are traumatized; our survival depends on those responses. We are wonderfully made according to God, the author of science, and He brought me through and finally out of a hellish situation. With His love, guidance and comfort I am stronger, wiser and appreciative of Him. He brought joy and peace into my life. I love science and thank you for this wonderfully explained trauma response/survival mechanism we experience when we know that something in our surroundings isn’t as it should be. We may rationalize/lie to ourselves but our body doesn’t lie, thank God.
I love your comment. Me too, if not for God as I know Him, I wouldn’t have made it out of religious trauma or husband with best friend trauma. God bless you dearly.
I feel this! I know it was God that not only got me through (even though I'm far from over) it, He guided me to the place where I saw the truth. My pain and betrayal by my husband wasn't God. He was saddened by my pain. He was there holding me until I felt his push. 4 years later and we are still working on our marriage.
I’ve been dealing with this for 8 years. I just now left my partner about a month ago officially. He has abandoned his family for drugs and women, porn and trauma bonding me. Leaving us in the dust, so many times and then comes back and begs for forgiveness and then we get all comfortable again and things feel great and then relapses and we don’t hear from him for weeks. It’s so draining and lonely. I have so much anger, pain, confusion and more. Thanks for this video, I want to feel better and heal from all of this 8 years of pain. 😢
Thank you. This was very helpful to me. I haven't quite heard it this way before. I spent 30 years married to a malignant covert narcissist. He ran away from home shortly after his diagnosis and once my daughter and I became wise to the gaslighting and other neat tricks he had. Apparently, we no longer gave him enough supply once we were educated about his personality disorder.
You are NOT alone even though I do know it feels that way, so I'm glad you are here & being brave enough to comment & reach out! SENDING BIG HUGE HUGS & Brighter days ahead...just keep putting one foot forward, keep getting up & praise yourself for that because you deserve praise ❤
I was recommended this video by an anonymous group. Even starting watching has me in shambles. I feel like I'm being ripped in half. I'm willing to do anything to relieve this. It feels like I'm dying
Alot of people say BE gentle. We are healing roughness and being in Survival, which is what the cold plunge does...trips you into Survival. You feel good after but that's because your brain is saying YAY! I just survived that!! But that is the cycle we are trying to break. Each to their own...but that's the other side of it...
Meditation, soft mystical music, connecting with God all has helped me too. Nature is phenomenal. Feeding and making friends with the Ravens every day. I love life NOW that I’m alone! ❤
I'm going through this now. 9 Months ago, I found out my husband of 35 years had a 5-month emotional and physical affair. This was the first time he cheated on me. I suffer from depression at the moment, some days I just want to disappear. It feels like my whole life is over, I can't leave him, I'm financially depended on him. It's horrible to stay with someone who betrayed and hurt you so much you just want to die. But I know I will get through this, but my relationship with my husband will definitely never be the same.
BEEN THERE, just try to focus on giving yourself SO MUCH LOVE and I've found listening to these & caring enough about myself to want to heal myself gives me power & confidence. I really hope you know that you are BEAUTIFUL and so many cheat for reasons other than that because it ROCKED my self esteem terribly & I wanted to disappear too! I moved states thankfully 💝 You aren't alone 💕 Laughing & watching funny videos has REALLY HELPED TOO even & mostly when I'd rather roll my eyes & throw the covers back over my head! You deserve to give back to yourself all that he took away 🌷🙏😘
Unless he broke off the affair AND confessed to you AND is willing to do anything to heal the marriage, assume he has cheated many times. Also contact the top 3 divorce lawyers in your county for consult since then he cannot hire them. Cheaters are sneaky and plotters. They will smooze you into sex after disclosure just so their adultery cannot legally be heald against them in court. (Sex = forgiveness in the eyes of the law). Know you are not alone in this nightmare.
Over the past 4 years I have slowly began repairing myself amd my life but life moves faster and so my life is so bad right now. And I don't know how to fix it from this far down with such h little to give anymore. I feel so desperate for help but I can't make myself go get it
And ihave lost the few people since that I thought could help me. So nobody will help me they all say I can't rely on other people and I know that I'm not asking to rely I'm asking to just hold out a hand and that's apparently too much I feel
I grew up with trauma so all I attract is traumatic circumstances. I have begun shadow work, I want change and healing to happen from within. It is a painful process but I have a lot of negative emotions that need to be confronted and integrated. I wish I had of known this 30 years ago, I could have stopped the cycle. Instead I've been blaming everyone except myself. My wife got herself pregnant to another man while we were still married. I keep forgetting that life is not perfect and I need to appreciate what little I have and to be grateful because some people have nothing.
Wow you guys! Me too! Know the worst feeling? Feeling you’re alone. I was thrown out of Jehovah’s Witnesses, shunned, lost the JW husband to my best friend because he preached to her and she fell in love with him, lost my JW brother and all whom I loved due to the shunning, ended up betrayed and left for dead...and thought I was alone. God came to my rescue, but gently and loving, not the destructive god of the Watchtower. Then I got up from the fall, stood up, and went wild. Then did all the things I wasn’t allowed to do in Watchtower. Made a mess, fell many times, thought I’d die, kept getting back up, went for that “Higher Education”, fell in love many times, worked hard, made it on my own, but would NOT want to go through this crap again. So I hear and relate to y’all ! Keep on getting up! AND, the best revenge is to live well and joyful!!!!
Unfortunately me as well, I'm 53 and I've had peace for four years and it's no way near long enough, they shouldn't be allowed to be parents, they are horrible excuses for people
Sorry for your loss. The pain created by these men and women is beyond this world. I was maarried to the devil for 17 years. I had broken bones, survived cancer on mÿ own, all while he had affairs.
Kristin I don't know if you've personally experienced betrayal trauma but your description of what it does to one's self is spot on. And trying to make the relationship work after it (staying) is not an easy job to do.
Often times the one doing the betraying give af and most often repeats the betrayal but get a little better at hiding it. They don’t give af about the pain and suffer that they’re causing you. That’s when you should leave. The next time someone betrays me, I’m done, ko second chances. Every time I’ve given second chances they get worse with their behaviours
The first relationship i was ever in at 18 i was so naive and wide eyed and low self esteemed that i let him hurt me emotionally time and time again. I wanted to believe he loved me so badly and being the gaslighter he was, he made me believe he did. I forgave him so many times but the betrayal from each time was heartbreaking and made me feel even worse about myself. I finally found the courage to leave and now, being in an extremely healthy relationship, i still find myself being extremely hyper vigilant,gaurded and weary of fully trusting out of fear. I try so hard to ground myself and not take it out on them but the fear really consumes me at times even though my current partner of 3 years has not once done something to break my trust. Thank you for this video, i know i need to continue healing in order to maintain a healthy relationship 😭
It would be so helpful if this topic could be open to include all types of personal relationship betrayal. It would help feel all of us who have gone through a betrayal from trusted loved ones validated. I am not married but I was betrayed by my best friend of 30+ years. I didn't see it coming. I was blind-sighted. Since then I have done all that I know to do to overcome that part of my life. Betrayal hurts period. Thank you for the video but more inclusivity would be incredibly helpful 😊
I totally hear you. To be betrayed by my best friend with my religious then husband hurt far worse than his betrayal of me. It has followed me all my life. I’ve tried everything from forgiving to intense anger to therapies to love and “letting go”, to revenge thoughts, to nightmares reliving the hurt over and over again. Nothing works. It’s PTSD and betrayal by a best friend is not easy to overcome. I understand. 😢
Women do get betrayed a lot by other females. I know what you mean. It does hurt a lot. You confie in another female on a deep level and they use it to hurt you. Totally get it. Just remember that a friend who stops being a friend was never a friend.
Extremely valuable for understanding the effects of betrayal trauma and how to self-regulate. My betrayal trauma therapist recommended you - I have a genetic enzymatic stress disorder - so this is even more critical guidance for me. Thank you so much for all your deep guidance and assistance for self-autonomy and reaffirmation of choice.
This all was so right on, I was totally there, still going through some if this still ,but each day is a new day of moving forward with counseling not just for me but couple therapy.
I have been trying to understand my reactions to multiple betrayals from people I trusted for a very long time. Thank you, Kristen!! I finally understand. You are spectacular.
From being raised by a mother that was constantly lying, conniving, and keeping secrets from my dad and telling my siblings and I to also keep her secrets, to being habitually lied to and cheated on by my alcoholic ex and then every relationship after that also being full of betrayals, I have found comfort in being alone. I would love to be able to trust people and maybe open myself up to a relationship again one day, but I honestly don’t see that happening. I have become so unwavering in almost every aspect of my life, even some of my children can’t stand being around me. I have developed a very “my way or the highway” kind of attitude because I don’t trust anyone else’s judgment and I feel most people are selfish and don’t have good intentions. How do you change when opening up has always brought you pain and suffering? How would I even make myself want to change?
Thank you Kristin. I am going to see my therapist about this. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 30 years. He has hoovered my son and I every few years and it throws me back. My son trird yo commit suicide. I still do not feel healed. I have been divorced from him for 14 years.😢😢😢
I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this. It's devastating. Funny thing with the second man who betrayed me, ( second live-in partner) he was actually happier and more pleasant at home during his affair. His personality was so combative over every little thing, unless I totally agreed with him , and only listen, not talk.... ( narcissist) I was barely even allowed comments. Since I knew he gets angry in response, and turns everything around like a weapon, I didn't even attempt to discuss the fact that I knew he was having an affair. At this point I gave up on even believing that non- cheating males exist, and just gave up. Just be the pleasant, polite housewife so things don't get worse. (At least it wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally devastating and completely numbing.) Bottomed out emotionally, and disassociated for years. Thank you for your video. .
Wow! That’s amazing that you could control yourself and be that self-disciplined and move on with your life, all as it was happening! Good for you! I tried that, but finally broke down. I think I really did disassociate and went totally numb like I was outside myself looking in. But when we divorced and married her (my best friend), I tried to compete by rebounding too and then my life Wilded Out for years after. I made a mess on the one hand, with my life because of the betrayal, but on the other hand, pursued Higher Education, worked hard WHILE I was getting wild. But life finally settled down again then I realized nothing he or she or I did was good for our children. My children are grown now and they and I are close, they’re all good adults but I can’t help but still feel that the betrayals and survival skills I used to make it in life were wise or good. We often, when we’re young, don’t have the tools we need to make another “perfect” nest. We may learn so much later in life. Then we look back feeling regret and praying our kids won’t go through what we went through.
Thank you so much, yes I feel I am healing, but I have isolated myself after a 7 year relationship with my soul mate, who was my best friend, I loved & trusted him with my heart heart, not realizing he was actually a narcissist, he ended up turning on me one night and then ghosted me, and then got together straight away with his good friend straight away! It has been such a terrible shock, and I just feel so lonely now😢
Thank you so much for this video. I've been struggling to understand all my symptoms and you made this very clear to assess myself. Trying to do the work but it's going to take time to rewire my brain. I will work on these techniques. Thank you for helping people help themselves.
There is healing but it takes time and much effort to change ingrained patterns that the body holds like shallow breathing. Married 20 years to a depraved covert narc and left on a wing and a prayer in 2004. No contact. The peace that comes from leaving is worth the struggle. You dont know how truly toxic these people are until you breathe fresher air.
@@tracylanglois407 Definitely not. He knew I knew what he truly was and I stopped playing the games and feeding his ego. He hated me for it but that was just a projection of his empty hateful self onto me as if I was the villain. They love to twist everything and flip the script. I'm grateful to the Lord for keeping me safe when I left him. He was scary evil (covert) at the end...Nice to everyone around me but for show and as a cover for his dreadful mistreatment of me. Ugh!
It’s when the person isn’t remorseful and understands that he chose to move in with you because he was moving 3,000 miles away with his lover who was living in his condo while he rented a bedroom in a house for you to sleep over at. I had my own house which is where he left ALL his stuff when he drove off to the house his “Boss” had bough th 3,000 miles away that they had flown to so she could buy them a home to move to. That what gets me is the premeditated calculated way he ruined a two year intimate relationship we were. In 😮😢. 😡 He has never once apologized to me even though we’ve spoken a few times. Obviously he isn’t a good person. It’s sad there are so many wolves in sheep’s clothing waiting for Little Red Riding Hood to devour. I think potential lovers’s need to be vetted even if it’s just a friend you pay to follow him for a few days and see what he is doing when you are not together.
I think it’s better not to trust, leave the man to do his thing, you to live your life as you please and not be an available lover. Trust no one but yourself and God as you personally understand Him. Trust no religion, no friend.
This helps me understand my wife who date 3 other d bags b4 me. The hurt her bad.the hurt they caused her still lingers 15 years later. She never cheated that i m aware of. I never have but she broke my heart by 1000 little holes in my heart. Understanding has helped me navigate this over the years and help her heal. But it allmost caused me to take it to a break up. Shes so hurt that she hurts me unintentionally cause she s protecting her self . Doing great now
Everything your describing here I've expertly my life. It came from the physical and sexual abuI experienced in my childhood. My father and my mother are where I experienced the most devastating betrayal trauma. Relationships with partners have been secondary.
Interesting i realize ty...story I tell myself is ill be poor, I'll be homeless. My mother narcissistic abuse, kicked me out often as a teen now I'm no contact the fam at 44 years old. But being single, a slow day, or hiccup at work. All brings back feelings of being helpless w no home or money.
I was abused and assaulted many years ago. Why do now I feel the pain and the past trauma Now. I am in so much pain Its been difficult to have aa life.
Yeah, when I was going through a lot of this I took up bike riding which was simple and helped to get back into my body and burn off the anger. I had a friend who took up marshal arts to get control of his emotions. You give good advice.
@@Kathy-qu8zj thank you so much for your strong words sister💛🙏🏼 I’m thankful for each brand new day. I’m often angry at myself.. this is still so fresh I can’t help it. I’m really trying to forgive myself. I hate how blind I was. I was already vulnerable- he took it and ran. “High school sweethearts” I’m so embarrassed since everyone believed we were sooo good, including me💔
I was put up for adoption before I was born. My birth parents failed to notify my adoption lawyer of my birth because they wanted to take me and hitch hike to California. My lawyers took me home to prevent me from being taken. I had no bonding with anyone for the first month of my life and then as my parents came to get me, my birth parents wanted my parents to give them a substanial amount of money to take me home. They wanted a pay out! Gross.
Control, physical, emotional, psychological, financial, neglect, betrayal trauma, name calling, phases, gas lighting, Covert-Dark Triad/Sadist, one trait. 24 1/2 years. My emotions are very confusing, I wake up crying with no control, the pain I experience is so intense, the muscles are extra tight. Rumination. And more
🙏🙏🙏🙏 I'm so grateful I found you on my TH-cam feed.... exactly what I needed. Thank you for validating everything I've been feeling and yes, I need a trustworthy therapist, and/or group to work through all of this
Does being dumped in an orphanage at 4 years old by your parents qualify as betrayal trauma? And then being threatened, they'd take you back if you were naughty?
Oh God, yes. Please be at peace now and love yourself with all the gentleness and fun within you. Re-create a beautiful, safe childhood by creating a beautiful, safe haven for yourself and treating yourself well! ❤
Thank you for this the person I loved all my life who cheated and has never been truthful. I have resolved to never be in a marriage but just friends. I can never be a wife again. I have no desire to be married ever again no emotional relationships at all.
I was a stupid (sorry) Jehovah’s Witness who disagreed with a doctrine and got disfellowshipped and shunned. My JW brother has never spoken to me again. He must and DOES think of me as “dead”. He abandoned me. I know how you feel. I still love my big brother. It still hurts. 😢
YOU are an extraordinary TEACHER & SO HELPFUL & Humble 💝 So Im super GRATEFUL to have found you 🙏 What a GEM , please keep doing these because I just subscribed and its perfect timing...THANK YOU THANK YOU ✨️✨️✨️
Thank you I'm so glad I found you today. I've been looping for years. 2 years ago when my mom died I was spinning out of control I tried therapy and that was the worst thing that ever happened why don't the therapist that are covered by insurance able to help. Can you help me
great video, very informative! i really appreciate how you broke down the science behind betrayal trauma. however, i wonder if you think it’s possible to fully heal from such deep emotional wounds, or does it leave a permanent mark on us? would love to hear more thoughts on this!
I think since pain and trauma are tied into our “learning” and adaptive parts of our brain, we’re meant to always have some form of mark or scar. But I think it’s meant to help us stay safe and connect with (safer) others. So we have to learn to not let the physiological symptoms (the PTSD stuff) take over and stop us from living in whatever way we hoped to live (relationships, professional goals, pets, hobbies, personal growth, spiritual practices, etc). Does that make sense?
I was betrayed by a pastor and his wife. He damaged me badly and will not reconcile. He must keep his secrets, sadly at expense of the church he has deceived and will face God. I found forgiving and letting go and sharing no names but the essence of my story to help others heal is healing me. Much PT to get body out of tight pain.
@@rachealfaucher4520 I am leaving him and his yes men to God . I do find myself concerned for those who believed the slander by the pastor who buried my daughter and then says I was complicit in her suicide. That was cruel. Calvary Chapel In Mills River , NC
About 30 years ago, something traumatic with infidelity happened to me, but still, it comes to my mind. Still, the betray comes to my mind from time to time.
THAT, I understand completely. I’ll be doing great, go to sleep and up pop the dreams of life and betrayal from YEARS ago and I have to relive the whole danged thing. That’s really hard. PTSD.
trust is a lie you tell yourself fact is that betrayal happens in almost every relationship you ever have. what is the worth of trust in others? what does it add to your life but shock, pain, distrust in oneself, damage etc.
Yea I can't beleive this is my life. Sat at a family wedding last night at same table with ex bf who pulled a 22 shot gun on me at 23 yrs old. Well I'm 61 and would have nightmares every few years that we were stil together up until about 10 years ago. Also our family is not close and selfishness, emotional abuse. Gaslighting was rampant growing up. I'm now at this age totally isolated and have tried soooo many modalities to release whatever has plagued me forever. I can't believe I can feel such love for people with whom I feel and have always felt so uncomfortable with. Just a very strange negative vibe on holidays which we dont even have anymore. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing as I dont even celebrate holidays anymore . This level of hopelessness is so bad . And Migraines have severely limited my QOL, I should say ability to have a life
Seriously, I feel for you. The nightmares where you still relive it, I have those too. It’s like you can’t get away from yourself yet they are the ones who hurt you! I know. My therapist called it PTSD. It’s like an innocent going to war and they don’t really know why. Then they fight to stay alive! Then come home and think, “What just happened?”
Do you see clients? I’m in California.. I’ve had a difficult time finding a therapist who can understand trauma including betrayal trauma .. and narcissistic abuse .. I’m heavily disassociate and find my self.. self isolating.. thank you
Well presented and really enjoyed the content, it resonated well with me. The spreadsheets are helpful resources, I'm going to give it a go. Thanks for sharing! ✌️💛💯
Stephen Porges is, sortoff-kinda one of the inventors-creators of the polyvagal theory. He gives lots of amazing talks in podcasts in yt, i wonder why you did not mention that? I see you have written it here above in info, it's good to tell so people can find more info about it. I so relate with what so many people write here....
Hi. He is the creator of this model. I credit him in the description and on my handout but I agree I could have mentioned him in more detail in this particular video. I mention him often when listening to trauma treatment options.
Yes! This is me too. I've read so much. Listened to so much. Watched so much. I feel like I have the info. But something keeps me from being able to put it all into practice somehow.
Isn't the betrayal which we experienced in adult life based on betrayal we have experienced from one or two caregiver in childhood? And it can be just healed by going back to this betrayed child within us?
After 48 years of marriage to whom I thought was someone who loved me unconditionally, I found out, after his death, that he had been a cheater and a liar. It broke my heart. I almost committed suicide. Then I decided to get even, and it helped me somewhat. His ashes, which I was going to blend with mine and spread at any body of water, I threw his ashes at a Walmart dumpster, a place he hated the most! It worked for me. I was able to move forward and am in an excellent relationship now.
I'm sorry for your pain. The dumpster part is funny. Seems appropriate after the betrayal.
I hope you heal and have a great life.
Is this a real story?
So glad you are doing well! I love how you paid your ex back, lol!
You are my hero! That is a GREAT revenge story! You made my night! Thank you! 😂❤😢😮
@@williedelrey3021 love it!! You Rock!!💚
I have been betrayed so much that when I look at a person, all I see is a potential enemy. I don't see someone I could possibly connect with.
I'm sorry for your sadness! It sucks and I just left a 21-year abusive relationship with a covert/malignant narcy, myself! I'm trying to heal and although it's extremely difficult, I refuse to let his lying, cheating, drug abusing arss break my life any longer! I was monogamous to a fault and am beyond hating him. I hope he has a long miserable life with his new supply and my old acquaintance!! May tornent each other! Okay, I guess I'm still a little angry, but I'm moving on!!!
Same
That one I do understand deeply, so darn sad.
I understand that feeling. I’m trying to get past it because the betrayers wanted me to be isolated and afraid. I don’t want to give them the pleasure. So I’m working on it, but it’s really tough. Sending you love and strength. 💜💪
I can relate 100%. And it doesn't matter who it is, either.
After 33 years of abusive marriage, he decided the best time for him to “come clean”(tell us about his wh0re in another city), while he’s in hospice. I took care of him for the last 4 months. It was so hard because I hated him by then. I had to mourn the relationship, mourn the death…most difficult thing. I found being out with friends, journaling, great therapist, new hobbies, redirecting ruminating thoughts..It’s been a little over 2 years now and I’m doing great. Grateful every day for freedom and peace and I love being in control of my own life
Yikes, I too went through years of abuse as well
God is the answer ✝️
If you are doing great, perhaps you can reword your statement about the other woman. It is highly likely that he deceived her as well.
@@suzetteshares I’ve seen multiple texts, she knew he was married, she specifically talked about their “secret). He was 61, she was 34…I saw the credit card bills so no, I stand by my comments but thanks for your input
@@oilselevated4808 If there were credit card statements, and she was technically in some way 'paid'...I see no reason that your characterization is inaccurate.
Can this be done without a friend circle. ? That there is the stumbling block
Nothing is worse then being dependent on someone who is abusing you & they have all the power and you are completely trapped
I am in that now. Financially. He did everything on that list. I’ve been sitting like a turtle in its shell for the last three months.
I knew someone like this but she got away after 13 years and before she was stubborn about moving in with her father, she finally did... sometimes its only a mental prison meaning family may allow you to move in or even a friend youve been to ashamed to ask... so please do!
Just pack up and leave, don't let them know that you are leaving, period and get back your own life and health 🙏❤️
@stevokennedy2383 if you're not ready yet. Plan your exit. Tell someone you trust and ask for help. You have no idea how "good" people are willing to help you exit the nightmare. Good luck
💯💯💔
“Every betrayal begins with trust.”
Expectations are the root of all suffering.
Trust but verify. Set expectations and biundries. Communication is key and sticking to your boundries. We need to learn to stand up for ourselves and not feel bad for doing so. I wish it didn't take so long to learn these things.
That is a very wise statement: “Every betrayal begins with trust...”.
TNB.
Ewwww good one
Abuse can also lead to autoimmune illnesses, changes in HPA axis, hypothyroidism, hypocortisolism, changes in brain structure (especially in children), changes in how the brain work (you can even call that a brain damage), changes in epigenetics (which genes active and which not), dysautonomia (the nervous system is permanently in flight or fight). Other physical illnesses.
I have pots from it
Yes yes yes
Yes he just refuses to see what his actions have done to me. He's still so angry. That tells me he either: wants me to forget all about it and move on, or 2 he's still doing it. Neither is acceptable. I really want an adult relationship. I'm too depressed and traumatized to trust anyone.
It is real. It will alter and destroy your body and functions. I have complex PTSD and attribute my autoimmune condition to being married to a malignant narcisist for 17 years and have 3 children with him. He has alienated me from 2 of them, the oldest and youngest. The constant exposure to cortisol washing over my organs has caused permanent damage to my digestive system and had two separate surgeries to remove twisted colon and heavily scared section of large intestine. Lupus flares were constant and severe with pulmonary embolisms and irratic heart rhythm. I had to go NO CONTACT in 2023 and magically my symptoms lessened and I lost 40 lbs and hair grew back. Chest pressure disappeared and overall energy improved. He retailliated by not allowing my daughter to contact me since her senior year of high school and kept me from attending her graduation '24. I am so devasted to have lost my daughter to save myself.
My whole life So many dysfunctional families carry on abuse
Wow, I feel this now. Disassociation, depression and hopelessness, sleeping too much, hypervigilance....everything you have mentioned is what I'm dealing with.
Probably all of us here. Yes! Me too!
Me too
me too
Same.
It does get better. Promise.❤
51 male. Having to come clean with yourself and admit that you have been abused by people you loved is not easy. Then you realize you let them do it. You would get out of one bad relationship and wait and heal and get into another one. Now at 51 I am feeling very strange. I am unwilling to even try. I can’t seem to find my gear. I am getting healthier. I am caring for myself. But I have zero drive for people.
@@sameyeam5277 and thats ok. Self care really is the best. If you can afford i recommend whole body accupunture clinic.there are places that help mental health. It assisted me on my journey. Age44 female
This may not help the drive for other people part, because in some ways I have grown very fond of isolation and focusing solely on my dependents and close family and a circle of very few friends I've held dear over the years. But, I've found the hardest part of the betrayal trauma (one I've faced too many times at this point) is learning to trust yourself again. Trusting your instincts and intuition and deciphering them from deluding thoughts or personal patterns and habits. And some wounds can only be healed when another person sheds light on them. I'm not saying yiu should jump into the dumpster fire of a dating scene, but try not to discredit the opportunities to heal that the duality of a relationship can bring, even if it doesn't work out. Trust has to be earned. Boundaries established in kindness and resolve toward a greater goal. But yiu have to search yourself to find out what you really want. And make decisions from your spirit and not from your trauma, so that you can speak love into the places where you are still hurting
@ thanks for the advice. Happy new year to you.
People don’t talk about this enough. This is my first time feeling heard.
My narcissistic ex took me to court two weeks after our daughter was born by c-section, after abandoning us, would not give me the car seat, trapped me physically by blocking my car with his until he served me with papers. I was also 1600 miles from my support system. It was also a miserable pregnancy where I was told I was the problem. He recorded me when I was so sleep deprived, as I confronted him and played it for the courts in an attempt to say I was crazy to take our daughter away from me. It was the most terrifying experience of my life! We're about to go to custody trial after over two years...if he doesn't sign an agreement on my terms. This is very helpful, especially when explaining to court how damaging this intentional emotional abuse was! Thank you ❤
You didn't deserve that
That's a terrible story. Message me if you need an expert witness psychologist that handles these exact situations and has been in your position herself.
@anoncspan4129 We went to the hearing Tuesday...we settled instead of going to trial...sadly, I didn't have $10,000 more to spend. I wanted to go to trial, but there was no guarantee that I would win because of his financial situation and some recordings he apparently had of me. I was very pissed off in those early days after our daughter's birth. I just couldn't risk losing my baby!
@@anoncspan4129 I feel like justice wasn't really served, but it's a better deal than what we had before
@anoncspan4129 I do, however, feel we will be fighting for custody in court again. I would love to have some insight about how to handle things with this guy in the future!
Please pray for me. It feels like I'm physically dying
I’m with you. I feel it. Chronic pain (from accident alone saving old family home) family ultimately dismissed denied made me pay.. and all of the associated traumas. Including medical trauma. My heart goes out to you. I wish my mom were still alive. Bully boys are scary and deadly:( I never would have thought it possible. ❤
🙏
Same! Praying for everyone who has suffered this and is suffering this. It is real and raw pain!
Praying for love, gentleness and and strength for you.
@CPTSDJourney-b1m thank you for sharing what’s been working for you.
Bloating....fatigue....i kept getting low iron anemia ... chronic weird occular migraines...rage fits. I didbt recognize myself!!! Lost my hair. Dark circles... NARCISSISTS !!! Demons! 😢i have horrible trust issues. 😢😢😢
It’s not you though.. it was THEM.
my wife lied to me sooo much i thought i was crazy , had a emotional affair that i read about .. she never , NEVER admitted it either.. IT CHANGED ME. still recovering after 32 years of marriage & realizing she was two different people. the one i thought and who she was. yes , i trusted her picked her loved her , what’s wrong with me …working a lot , and working out , eating well and sleeping well … but i’m probably never be NORMAL again
You’re normal. And you’re taking care of YOU! That’s all good and natural! It hurts, I know, but life will open up for you.
Sorry for your trouble. My first husband did this to me. Awful
shine your light bro
@@Damon-o1c I agree there's something wrong with people who r cowards
U will b I was married for 25 years I knew deep in my heart I had proof at the end . I begged my x for a divorce Finally I got up the courage to find a Pro Bono lawyer He never expected it lol At the time it wasn't funny far from it IMAGINE he was involved in a prostitution ring in Boston . Always tore his phone bill from work up I took it and steamed the bill over the kettle Man I was fit to b tied ! Kept on getting female problems WHY Thank God for a wonderful friend who told me what to do SHE is now divorced My son always wanted us to get bk to get her He passed from SUD Kids take the brunt of the crap He was evil from Finland BANGING his head when we would discuss something he couldn't handle . I was working with autistic kids then But I have 2 grandchildren thank God Move forward Me since 2007 I had my chance to marry again Nah I wasn't in love with him as much as he was with me Take care plz don't blame yourself I know many others how u feel Dive into something that really interesting to u I found out many things about me when I divorced him I didn't know I even had th e ability to do . See with me I suffer from an illness Ooo poor thing couldn't accept it He is a functioning alcoholic
Wow this is also what I’ve been dealing with .. to the T! I’m sick a lot physically…. I freeze up to the point I cannot move or talk to anyone. Yep - I collapse…. What’s worse is I can’t sleep lately - almost like insomnia, which is obviously not helpful for my mental and/or physical health.
We have a beautiful 6 year old son together, but staying together is only causing more harm. I continue to pray for a way out and the realistic process. I do not want a broken family, but this is starting to break me but I know I’m I will get through this. Thank you for this realistic validation of what I’m actually going through! God bless you
This is what I have been experiencing & suffering from 2 years.
Few days after the day I discovered about his cheating, I was even ready to give him 2nd chance as he seemed remorseful. But when I told about his betrayal to my parents he and my in-laws completely denied what he has done & blaming me. It hits like a double betrayal & retraumatizing .
I am exhausted emotionally & physically.
After listening this video I am feeling validated.
Remember: Cheaters always cheat. It IS who they are.
Understanding science, especially anatomy, physiology and neuroscience helps to grasp what’s happening within us when we are traumatized; our survival depends on those responses. We are wonderfully made according to God, the author of science, and He brought me through and finally out of a hellish situation. With His love, guidance and comfort I am stronger, wiser and appreciative of Him. He brought joy and peace into my life. I love science and thank you for this wonderfully explained trauma response/survival mechanism we experience when we know that something in our surroundings isn’t as it should be. We may rationalize/lie to ourselves but our body doesn’t lie, thank God.
I love your comment. Me too, if not for God as I know Him, I wouldn’t have made it out of religious trauma or husband with best friend trauma. God bless you dearly.
I feel this!
I know it was God that not only got me through (even though I'm far from over) it, He guided me to the place where I saw the truth. My pain and betrayal by my husband wasn't God. He was saddened by my pain. He was there holding me until I felt his push.
4 years later and we are still working on our marriage.
Even after the breakup, it's so hard to move on and start living my life
This has been my life for the last 5 years! I am exhausted to my core.
It is exhausting. But healing and repair are possible.
I’ve been dealing with this for 8 years. I just now left my partner about a month ago officially. He has abandoned his family for drugs and women, porn and trauma bonding me. Leaving us in the dust, so many times and then comes back and begs for forgiveness and then we get all comfortable again and things feel great and then relapses and we don’t hear from him for weeks. It’s so draining and lonely. I have so much anger, pain, confusion and more. Thanks for this video, I want to feel better and heal from all of this 8 years of pain. 😢
Thank you. This was very helpful to me. I haven't quite heard it this way before. I spent 30 years married to a malignant covert narcissist. He ran away from home shortly after his diagnosis and once my daughter and I became wise to the gaslighting and other neat tricks he had. Apparently, we no longer gave him enough supply once we were educated about his personality disorder.
So glad it’s helpful. I have a lot more resources on my website KristinSnowden.com, this channel and I also have small live groups.
Thank you ♡@@KristinSnowden
The body keeps the score . I am afraid , emotionally down 😢
You are NOT alone even though I do know it feels that way, so I'm glad you are here & being brave enough to comment & reach out! SENDING BIG HUGE HUGS & Brighter days ahead...just keep putting one foot forward, keep getting up & praise yourself for that because you deserve praise ❤
Praying for you ❤
@@brookeamann1316
Thank you
@elisabethwyndaele5912 Of course , you aren't alone ✨️🙏😘
Big loves - I understand xxx
I was recommended this video by an anonymous group. Even starting watching has me in shambles. I feel like I'm being ripped in half. I'm willing to do anything to relieve this. It feels like I'm dying
It's crazy watching you speak. This is my life for 8 years now. Thank you. I knew I wasn't crazy .
The movie "The Descendants" hit home for me after I was betrayed. It is a powerful story.
My friend does cold water plunges for her trauma healing, and she's had really good results.
Alot of people say BE gentle.
We are healing roughness and being in Survival, which is what the cold plunge does...trips you into Survival. You feel good after but that's because your brain is saying YAY! I just survived that!! But that is the cycle we are trying to break.
Each to their own...but that's the other side of it...
The shock can also help to release stuck energy so you can process. Take time with it. Ease into it.
Haven't tried that yet. Breathwork has been amazing for my healing journey❤
Writing about it has been a great help to me. Does a cold shower count as cold water therapy? 😮
Meditation, soft mystical music, connecting with God all has helped me too. Nature is phenomenal. Feeding and making friends with the Ravens every day. I love life NOW that I’m alone! ❤
I'm going through this now. 9 Months ago, I found out my husband of 35 years had a 5-month emotional and physical affair. This was the first time he cheated on me. I suffer from depression at the moment, some days I just want to disappear. It feels like my whole life is over, I can't leave him, I'm financially depended on him. It's horrible to stay with someone who betrayed and hurt you so much you just want to die. But I know I will get through this, but my relationship with my husband will definitely never be the same.
BEEN THERE, just try to focus on giving yourself SO MUCH LOVE and I've found listening to these & caring enough about myself to want to heal myself gives me power & confidence. I really hope you know that you are BEAUTIFUL and so many cheat for reasons other than that because it ROCKED my self esteem terribly & I wanted to disappear too! I moved states thankfully 💝
You aren't alone 💕
Laughing & watching funny videos has REALLY HELPED TOO even & mostly when I'd rather roll my eyes & throw the covers back over my head! You deserve to give back to yourself all that he took away 🌷🙏😘
Unless he broke off the affair AND confessed to you AND is willing to do anything to heal the marriage, assume he has cheated many times. Also contact the top 3 divorce lawyers in your county for consult since then he cannot hire them. Cheaters are sneaky and plotters. They will smooze you into sex after disclosure just so their adultery cannot legally be heald against them in court. (Sex = forgiveness in the eyes of the law). Know you are not alone in this nightmare.
@@brookeamann1316 thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. ♥
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a small betrayed partners group starting in October that might be a good fit for you.
@@KristinSnowden thank you. I'll keep it in mind.
Your my favorite abuse expert that reads directly from the internet.
Wow THANK YOUNI DONT FEEL SO CRAZY! Ive been describing this for years that I lost controlnof myself and nobody would believe me
Over the past 4 years I have slowly began repairing myself amd my life but life moves faster and so my life is so bad right now. And I don't know how to fix it from this far down with such h little to give anymore. I feel so desperate for help but I can't make myself go get it
And ihave lost the few people since that I thought could help me. So nobody will help me they all say I can't rely on other people and I know that I'm not asking to rely I'm asking to just hold out a hand and that's apparently too much I feel
Maybe a difference between me and other people is that I don't see being able to trust again as a worthwhile goal.
Been there, 7 years have passed and still recovering. Currently in the overwhelmed stage. Found yoga, breathing exercises helpful.
I grew up with trauma so all I attract is traumatic circumstances. I have begun shadow work, I want change and healing to happen from within. It is a painful process but I have a lot of negative emotions that need to be confronted and integrated. I wish I had of known this 30 years ago, I could have stopped the cycle. Instead I've been blaming everyone except myself. My wife got herself pregnant to another man while we were still married. I keep forgetting that life is not perfect and I need to appreciate what little I have and to be grateful because some people have nothing.
Just having the language with which to call it out is a victory.
Empowerment is the way, empower thy self and others so this evil will not perpetuate.
My mind shut down at one point.
Had a psychotic break. She ruined a career plans.
I lost everything.
Been there,too. You are not alone.
This is what happened to me too! I became someone I didn’t even know
Damn. I lost focus at work and was fired because of my husband's infidelity.
He belittled me and told me to get over it.
Wow you guys! Me too! Know the worst feeling? Feeling you’re alone. I was thrown out of Jehovah’s Witnesses, shunned, lost the JW husband to my best friend because he preached to her and she fell in love with him, lost my JW brother and all whom I loved due to the shunning, ended up betrayed and left for dead...and thought I was alone. God came to my rescue, but gently and loving, not the destructive god of the Watchtower. Then I got up from the fall, stood up, and went wild. Then did all the things I wasn’t allowed to do in Watchtower. Made a mess, fell many times, thought I’d die, kept getting back up, went for that “Higher Education”, fell in love many times, worked hard, made it on my own, but would NOT want to go through this crap again. So I hear and relate to y’all ! Keep on getting up! AND, the best revenge is to live well and joyful!!!!
@@christinesotelo7655 - sometimes the only way is through.
This has happened to me over and over again all my life starting with my mother when I was about 6 years old.
Yes. We usually get our first heartbreaks when we’re little children.
Yes I can relate to this everyone turns out to be pure evil
Me too
Unfortunately me as well, I'm 53 and I've had peace for four years and it's no way near long enough, they shouldn't be allowed to be parents, they are horrible excuses for people
I love that you bring hope and ‘I’m not broken’ messages into your video.
There is hope. While I see a lot of trauma and tragedy. I also see a lot of healing and restoration.
My ex-husband had multiple affairs. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I had to support myself and became so ill. I never grieved till I became disabled.
@44kat I am sorry. I am also disabled with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and several other rhings
Sorry for your loss. The pain created by these men and women is beyond this world. I was maarried to the devil for 17 years. I had broken bones, survived cancer on mÿ own, all while he had affairs.
Kristin I don't know if you've personally experienced betrayal trauma but your description of what it does to one's self is spot on. And trying to make the relationship work after it (staying) is not an easy job to do.
Often times the one doing the betraying give af and most often repeats the betrayal but get a little better at hiding it.
They don’t give af about the pain and suffer that they’re causing you. That’s when you should leave. The next time someone betrays me, I’m done, ko second chances. Every time I’ve given second chances they get worse with their behaviours
Can someone share a resource for betrayal from family - hideous sabotage, gaslighting - people essentially not even becoming who they are?
The first relationship i was ever in at 18 i was so naive and wide eyed and low self esteemed that i let him hurt me emotionally time and time again. I wanted to believe he loved me so badly and being the gaslighter he was, he made me believe he did. I forgave him so many times but the betrayal from each time was heartbreaking and made me feel even worse about myself. I finally found the courage to leave and now, being in an extremely healthy relationship, i still find myself being extremely hyper vigilant,gaurded and weary of fully trusting out of fear. I try so hard to ground myself and not take it out on them but the fear really consumes me at times even though my current partner of 3 years has not once done something to break my trust. Thank you for this video, i know i need to continue healing in order to maintain a healthy relationship 😭
Thank you for your podcast... It's very real... You really have to toughen up to become your old self again... From Olivedale South Africa..
It would be so helpful if this topic could be open to include all types of personal relationship betrayal. It would help feel all of us who have gone through a betrayal from trusted loved ones validated. I am not married but I was betrayed by my best friend of 30+ years. I didn't see it coming. I was blind-sighted. Since then I have done all that I know to do to overcome that part of my life. Betrayal hurts period. Thank you for the video but more inclusivity would be incredibly helpful 😊
I totally hear you. To be betrayed by my best friend with my religious then husband hurt far worse than his betrayal of me. It has followed me all my life. I’ve tried everything from forgiving to intense anger to therapies to love and “letting go”, to revenge thoughts, to nightmares reliving the hurt over and over again. Nothing works. It’s PTSD and betrayal by a best friend is not easy to overcome. I understand. 😢
Women do get betrayed a lot by other females. I know what you mean. It does hurt a lot. You confie in another female on a deep level and they use it to hurt you. Totally get it. Just remember that a friend who stops being a friend was never a friend.
Yes, I’ve been deeply hurt by my sister, totally caught off guard. I’m trying to recover, it happened 10 weeks ago, still ruminating. It’s hard.
Yes betrayal can come from anyone.
Extremely valuable for understanding the effects of betrayal trauma and how to self-regulate. My betrayal trauma therapist recommended you - I have a genetic enzymatic stress disorder - so this is even more critical guidance for me. Thank you so much for all your deep guidance and assistance for self-autonomy and reaffirmation of choice.
So glad you found it helpful. Hopefully some of those options can help you manage your nervous system.
You nailed it thank you! I feel better to hear you point this out to me.
This all was so right on, I was totally there, still going through some if this still ,but each day is a new day of moving forward with counseling not just for me but couple therapy.
I have been trying to understand my reactions to multiple betrayals from people I trusted for a very long time. Thank you, Kristen!! I finally understand. You are spectacular.
From being raised by a mother that was constantly lying, conniving, and keeping secrets from my dad and telling my siblings and I to also keep her secrets, to being habitually lied to and cheated on by my alcoholic ex and then every relationship after that also being full of betrayals, I have found comfort in being alone. I would love to be able to trust people and maybe open myself up to a relationship again one day, but I honestly don’t see that happening. I have become so unwavering in almost every aspect of my life, even some of my children can’t stand being around me. I have developed a very “my way or the highway” kind of attitude because I don’t trust anyone else’s judgment and I feel most people are selfish and don’t have good intentions. How do you change when opening up has always brought you pain and suffering? How would I even make myself want to change?
Thank you Kristin. I am going to see my therapist about this. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 30 years. He has hoovered my son and I every few years and it throws me back. My son trird yo commit suicide. I still do not feel healed. I have been divorced from him for 14 years.😢😢😢
Alanon has been so helpful for me 😊😊😊
I just found your site. I cried all the way through it
Yay. Let the Healing Begin!!
I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this. It's devastating.
Funny thing with the second man who betrayed me, ( second live-in partner) he was actually happier and more pleasant at home during his affair.
His personality was so combative over every little thing, unless I totally agreed with him , and only listen, not talk.... ( narcissist) I was barely even allowed comments.
Since I knew he gets angry in response, and turns everything around like a weapon, I didn't even attempt to discuss the fact that I knew he was having an affair.
At this point I gave up on even believing that non- cheating males exist, and just gave up.
Just be the pleasant, polite housewife so things don't get worse.
(At least it wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally devastating and completely numbing.)
Bottomed out emotionally, and disassociated for years.
Thank you for your video.
.
Wow! That’s amazing that you could control yourself and be that self-disciplined and move on with your life, all as it was happening! Good for you! I tried that, but finally broke down. I think I really did disassociate and went totally numb like I was outside myself looking in. But when we divorced and married her (my best friend), I tried to compete by rebounding too and then my life Wilded Out for years after. I made a mess on the one hand, with my life because of the betrayal, but on the other hand, pursued Higher Education, worked hard WHILE I was getting wild. But life finally settled down again then I realized nothing he or she or I did was good for our children. My children are grown now and they and I are close, they’re all good adults but I can’t help but still feel that the betrayals and survival skills I used to make it in life were wise or good. We often, when we’re young, don’t have the tools we need to make another “perfect” nest. We may learn so much later in life. Then we look back feeling regret and praying our kids won’t go through what we went through.
Thank you so much, yes I feel I am healing, but I have isolated myself after a 7 year relationship with my soul mate, who was my best friend, I loved & trusted him with my heart heart, not realizing he was actually a narcissist, he ended up turning on me one night and then ghosted me, and then got together straight away with his good friend straight away! It has been such a terrible shock, and I just feel so lonely now😢
It’s crazy and it grieves me
EMDR is amazing and a lot less complicated...
Thank you so much for this video. I've been struggling to understand all my symptoms and you made this very clear to assess myself. Trying to do the work but it's going to take time to rewire my brain. I will work on these techniques. Thank you for helping people help themselves.
There is healing but it takes time and much effort to change ingrained patterns that the body holds like shallow breathing. Married 20 years to a depraved covert narc and left on a wing and a prayer in 2004. No contact. The peace that comes from leaving is worth the struggle. You dont know how truly toxic these people are until you breathe fresher air.
Was he still I don't know the right word , like leading you on to keep you? What made you leave for good? And is no contact the only way do you think?
@@tracylanglois407 Definitely not. He knew I knew what he truly was and I stopped playing the games and feeding his ego. He hated me for it but that was just a projection of his empty hateful self onto me as if I was the villain. They love to twist everything and flip the script. I'm grateful to the Lord for keeping me safe when I left him. He was scary evil (covert) at the end...Nice to everyone around me but for show and as a cover for his dreadful mistreatment of me. Ugh!
It’s when the person isn’t remorseful and understands that he chose to move in with you because he was moving 3,000 miles away with his lover who was living in his condo while he rented a bedroom in a house for you to sleep over at. I had my own house which is where he left ALL his stuff when he drove off to the house his “Boss” had bough th 3,000 miles away that they had flown to so she could buy them a home to move to. That what gets me is the premeditated calculated way he ruined a two year intimate relationship we were. In 😮😢. 😡 He has never once apologized to me even though we’ve spoken a few times. Obviously he isn’t a good person. It’s sad there are so many wolves in sheep’s clothing waiting for Little Red Riding Hood to devour. I think potential lovers’s need to be vetted even if it’s just a friend you pay to follow him for a few days and see what he is doing when you are not together.
His life sounds fabulous! Lol
I think it’s better not to trust, leave the man to do his thing, you to live your life as you please and not be an available lover. Trust no one but yourself and God as you personally understand Him. Trust no religion, no friend.
This helps me understand my wife who date 3 other d bags b4 me. The hurt her bad.the hurt they caused her still lingers 15 years later. She never cheated that i m aware of. I never have but she broke my heart by 1000 little holes in my heart. Understanding has helped me navigate this over the years and help her heal. But it allmost caused me to take it to a break up. Shes so hurt that she hurts me unintentionally cause she s protecting her self . Doing great now
❤❤❤
💖
You are a true gem. What a gift to her you are. I hope your self-care is good and That your efforts to love her well are rewarded!
Everything your describing here I've expertly my life. It came from the physical and sexual abuI experienced in my childhood. My father and my mother are where I experienced the most devastating betrayal trauma. Relationships with partners have been secondary.
Interesting i realize ty...story I tell myself is ill be poor, I'll be homeless. My mother narcissistic abuse, kicked me out often as a teen now I'm no contact the fam at 44 years old. But being single, a slow day, or hiccup at work. All brings back feelings of being helpless w no home or money.
Same here....stay strong
I was abused and assaulted many years ago. Why do now I feel the pain and the past trauma Now. I am in so much pain Its been difficult to have aa life.
Yeah, when I was going through a lot of this I took up bike riding which was simple and helped to get back into my body and burn off the anger. I had a friend who took up marshal arts to get control of his emotions. You give good advice.
Wow! I’m experiencing exactly what you said. Thank you for this information !
WOW I think most of us experience this well said well explained but still working through it all
great video
I turned 40 and seriously woke tf up. Shame on that sleep that robbed me of my life😞
2decades of trauma💔
Better than more than 4 lil sister.. don’t look back.. stay forward “new life” focused, the past is passed. New beautiful life. You’re not alone.
@@Kathy-qu8zj thank you so much for your strong words sister💛🙏🏼 I’m thankful for each brand new day. I’m often angry at myself.. this is still so fresh I can’t help it. I’m really trying to forgive myself. I hate how blind I was. I was already vulnerable- he took it and ran.
“High school sweethearts” I’m so embarrassed since everyone believed we were sooo good, including me💔
@@HisEternalLight. I think we’ve all been there.. know exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. Far too many of us out here..
Same
Same here
I was put up for adoption before I was born.
My birth parents failed to notify my adoption lawyer of my birth because they wanted to take me and hitch hike to California. My lawyers took me home to prevent me from being taken. I had no bonding with anyone for the first month of my life and then as my parents came to get me, my birth parents wanted my parents to give them a substanial amount of money to take me home.
They wanted a pay out!
Gross.
Good stuff,I like the idea of a free support group for healing betrayal trauma.
There’s both free and low cost options. I have small groups. There are 12 step groups and groups on sexandrelationshiphealing.com
@KristinSnowden thank you for sharing that resource. 🦋
Control, physical, emotional, psychological, financial, neglect, betrayal trauma, name calling, phases, gas lighting, Covert-Dark Triad/Sadist, one trait. 24 1/2 years. My emotions are very confusing, I wake up crying with no control, the pain I experience is so intense, the muscles are extra tight. Rumination. And more
Ur right the abuse always starts when they have controlled U and isolated U .
Yes, I feel so detached, DV situation I just left in January
Good for you! Ya doing ok?
🙏🙏🙏🙏 I'm so grateful I found you on my TH-cam feed.... exactly what I needed. Thank you for validating everything I've been feeling and yes, I need a trustworthy therapist, and/or group to work through all of this
Does being dumped in an orphanage at 4 years old by your parents qualify as betrayal trauma? And then being threatened, they'd take you back if you were naughty?
🙏🏾💚
Oh God, yes. Please be at peace now and love yourself with all the gentleness and fun within you. Re-create a beautiful, safe childhood by creating a beautiful, safe haven for yourself and treating yourself well! ❤
The spirit of abandonment is so strong. Meditation daily is the best way to let it all go and be at peace.
Absolutely.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, sweetheart.
Thank you for this the person I loved all my life who cheated and has never been truthful. I have resolved to never be in a marriage but just friends. I can never be a wife again. I have no desire to be married ever again no emotional relationships at all.
I started watching this and it is so triggering for me, so I have to turn it off and watch little bits at a time
I’m so sorry that this is so painful for you. Hopefully you can eventually attend a group to help support you in this.
Maybe you need an in person trauma therapist if you can get one❤
Same here. Anxiety goes up 😢
Good stuff, but I wish you included more examples from other kinds of relationships. I need more on betrayal in sibling relationships.
Dr Jennifer Freyd has books and podcasts on family betrayal trauma.
I was a stupid (sorry) Jehovah’s Witness who disagreed with a doctrine and got disfellowshipped and shunned. My JW brother has never spoken to me again. He must and DOES think of me as “dead”. He abandoned me. I know how you feel. I still love my big brother. It still hurts. 😢
@christinesotelo7655 That's so incredibly painful. Congratulations for getting put of a cult, though. 🎉
@@a.w.3772 Thank you ♥️🌹
I'm good I'm divested and putting myself 1st.
Thank you so much Dr. Snowden, I’m taking your advice to heart, God knows I needed to hear this message. Thank you 🙏🏼 again
Thank you so much, I’ve been getting worse and worse and i’m physically hurting. I have rsd as well. Ty ty ty
YOU are an extraordinary TEACHER & SO HELPFUL & Humble 💝 So Im super GRATEFUL to have found you 🙏 What a GEM , please keep doing these because I just subscribed and its perfect timing...THANK YOU THANK YOU ✨️✨️✨️
Great! Already have about 70 videos on my channel. So there’s a lot of content available. Always working on more, too!
@@KristinSnowden Wonderful, Thanks so much 🙏 💝
i feel glad that i have found exactly what im dealing with
So happy I stumbled on this, Thanks so much , from South Africa, Ballito xx
Best explanation of relationship trauma!
I needed to hear this. Thank you so so much ❤
Thank you I'm so glad I found you today. I've been looping for years. 2 years ago when my mom died I was spinning out of control I tried therapy and that was the worst thing that ever happened why don't the therapist that are covered by insurance able to help.
Can you help me
I suggest trying new therapists until you find that is a good fit for you. A therapist specializing in grief processing could help.
great video, very informative! i really appreciate how you broke down the science behind betrayal trauma. however, i wonder if you think it’s possible to fully heal from such deep emotional wounds, or does it leave a permanent mark on us? would love to hear more thoughts on this!
I think since pain and trauma are tied into our “learning” and adaptive parts of our brain, we’re meant to always have some form of mark or scar. But I think it’s meant to help us stay safe and connect with (safer) others. So we have to learn to not let the physiological symptoms (the PTSD stuff) take over and stop us from living in whatever way we hoped to live (relationships, professional goals, pets, hobbies, personal growth, spiritual practices, etc). Does that make sense?
I was betrayed by a pastor and his wife. He damaged me badly and will not reconcile. He must keep his secrets, sadly at expense of the church he has deceived and will face God.
I found forgiving and letting go and sharing no names but the essence of my story to help others heal is healing me.
Much PT to get body out of tight pain.
for me i think you should expose him
@@rachealfaucher4520 I am leaving him and his yes men to God . I do find myself concerned for those who believed the slander by the pastor who buried my daughter and then says I was complicit in her suicide. That was cruel. Calvary Chapel In Mills River , NC
ugh this is so specific and helpful
My gf cheated woth multiple people and threw it in my face. My eyes swelled up for days. Stress kills.
I'm so sorry that happened to you! You deserve better.
@@a.w.3772 Thank you!
Phenomenal video. This is one of the best I’ve heard in a long time. Thank you so much for sharing.
So happy to hear. My channel and website have a ton of content that will hopefully be helpful to you.
You get to the point where grown children now know. Some truths for them and it's more stress. Family life now shattered 😢😢
About 30 years ago, something traumatic with infidelity happened to me, but still, it comes to my mind. Still, the betray comes to my mind from time to time.
THAT, I understand completely. I’ll be doing great, go to sleep and up pop the dreams of life and betrayal from YEARS ago and I have to relive the whole danged thing. That’s really hard. PTSD.
To god be the glory, Amen, i am great for each day and it's numerous blessings.
trust is a lie you tell yourself
fact is that betrayal happens in almost every relationship you ever have. what is the worth of trust in others? what does it add to your life but shock, pain, distrust in oneself, damage etc.
Yea I can't beleive this is my life.
Sat at a family wedding last night at same table with ex bf who pulled a 22 shot gun on me at 23 yrs old. Well I'm 61 and would have nightmares every few years that we were stil together up until about 10 years ago.
Also our family is not close and selfishness, emotional abuse. Gaslighting was rampant growing up. I'm now at this age totally isolated and have tried soooo many modalities to release whatever has plagued me forever. I can't believe I can feel such love for people with whom I feel and have always felt so uncomfortable with. Just a very strange negative vibe on holidays which we dont even have anymore. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing as I dont even celebrate holidays anymore . This level of hopelessness is so bad .
And Migraines have severely limited my QOL, I should say ability to have a life
Try magnesium.
Tylenol PM
Seriously, I feel for you. The nightmares where you still relive it, I have those too. It’s like you can’t get away from yourself yet they are the ones who hurt you! I know. My therapist called it PTSD. It’s like an innocent going to war and they don’t really know why. Then they fight to stay alive! Then come home and think, “What just happened?”
Do you see clients? I’m in California.. I’ve had a difficult time finding a therapist who can understand trauma including betrayal trauma .. and narcissistic abuse .. I’m heavily disassociate and find my self.. self isolating..
thank you
“Friends” who have been much loved and cared about for years can also create betrayal trauma. It’s not just related to marital environments.
Needed this. Thank you
Well presented and really enjoyed the content, it resonated well with me. The spreadsheets are helpful resources, I'm going to give it a go. Thanks for sharing! ✌️💛💯
Stephen Porges is, sortoff-kinda one of the inventors-creators of the polyvagal theory. He gives lots of amazing talks in podcasts in yt, i wonder why you did not mention that? I see you have written it here above in info, it's good to tell so people can find more info about it. I so relate with what so many people write here....
Hi. He is the creator of this model. I credit him in the description and on my handout but I agree I could have mentioned him in more detail in this particular video. I mention him often when listening to trauma treatment options.
Who is he? What is that about?
@@christinesotelo7655 you can type his name her in yt, you'll find plenty of how he talks about the healing, such a kind wise man
My problem is forgetting about techniques that help calm system. 😢 I get so overwhelmed I get caught up vs think of a distraction.
Make something a daily practice when you are calm.
Yes! This is me too.
I've read so much. Listened to so much. Watched so much. I feel like I have the info. But something keeps me from being able to put it all into practice somehow.
@m.c.9676: Possibly post post-it-notes and or a create a bullet list in a journal of 'distractions.'
Isn't the betrayal which we experienced in adult life based on betrayal we have experienced from one or two caregiver in childhood? And it can be just healed by going back to this betrayed child within us?
Excellent video