After 48 years of marriage to whom I thought was someone who loved me unconditionally, I found out, after his death, that he had been a cheater and a liar. It broke my heart. I almost committed suicide. Then I decided to get even, and it helped me somewhat. His ashes, which I was going to blend with mine and spread at any body of water, I threw his ashes at a Walmart dumpster, a place he hated the most! It worked for me. I was able to move forward and am in an excellent relationship now.
Trust but verify. Set expectations and biundries. Communication is key and sticking to your boundries. We need to learn to stand up for ourselves and not feel bad for doing so. I wish it didn't take so long to learn these things.
After 33 years of abusive marriage, he decided the best time for him to “come clean”(tell us about his wh0re in another city), while he’s in hospice. I took care of him for the last 4 months. It was so hard because I hated him by then. I had to mourn the relationship, mourn the death…most difficult thing. I found being out with friends, journaling, great therapist, new hobbies, redirecting ruminating thoughts..It’s been a little over 2 years now and I’m doing great. Grateful every day for freedom and peace and I love being in control of my own life
@@suzetteshares I’ve seen multiple texts, she knew he was married, she specifically talked about their “secret). He was 61, she was 34…I saw the credit card bills so no, I stand by my comments but thanks for your input
@@oilselevated4808 If there were credit card statements, and she was technically in some way 'paid'...I see no reason that your characterization is inaccurate.
Abuse can also lead to autoimmune illnesses, changes in HPA axis, hypothyroidism, hypocortisolism, changes in brain structure (especially in children), changes in how the brain work (you can even call that a brain damage), changes in epigenetics (which genes active and which not), dysautonomia (the nervous system is permanently in flight or fight). Other physical illnesses.
Wow, I feel this now. Disassociation, depression and hopelessness, sleeping too much, hypervigilance....everything you have mentioned is what I'm dealing with.
Married 38yrs, learned about husbands 4.5yr affairs.i forgave him. Had NO IDEA my body would malfunction, crazy emotional typhoon. I had 4 strokes. He did not want to talk just forget it all. I'm SO BETRAYED!!! NO HELP, HE VIDEOED MY FITS. Horrible person!
Yes that’s why we can’t let them Back into our lives. In general they are not remorseful nor do they care about ruining your health. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.
@@GotoworkkkNo. In 2023 I did a legal separation because he was drinking and driving. To protect myself not to divorce him. I also moved separately because he stopped coming home... he literally ran when I tried to talk to him. I missed him so much. 2024 I forgave him, but had such severe Betrayal Trauma symptoms. He moved into where I was living... I wanted answers, he did not like that... I was so upset I had 4 Strokes. He had to leave because he was gaslighting me! Now he's gone. I am so confused and sad. 😥
You are NOT alone even though I do know it feels that way, so I'm glad you are here & being brave enough to comment & reach out! SENDING BIG HUGE HUGS & Brighter days ahead...just keep putting one foot forward, keep getting up & praise yourself for that because you deserve praise ❤
my wife lied to me sooo much i thought i was crazy , had a emotional affair that i read about .. she never , NEVER admitted it either.. IT CHANGED ME. still recovering after 32 years of marriage & realizing she was two different people. the one i thought and who she was. yes , i trusted her picked her loved her , what’s wrong with me …working a lot , and working out , eating well and sleeping well … but i’m probably never be NORMAL again
My narcissistic ex took me to court two weeks after our daughter was born by c-section, after abandoning us, would not give me the car seat, trapped me physically by blocking my car with his until he served me with papers. I was also 1600 miles from my support system. It was also a miserable pregnancy where I was told I was the problem. He recorded me when I was so sleep deprived, as I confronted him and played it for the courts in an attempt to say I was crazy to take our daughter away from me. It was the most terrifying experience of my life! We're about to go to custody trial after over two years...if he doesn't sign an agreement on my terms. This is very helpful, especially when explaining to court how damaging this intentional emotional abuse was! Thank you ❤
Alot of people say BE gentle. We are healing roughness and being in Survival, which is what the cold plunge does...trips you into Survival. You feel good after but that's because your brain is saying YAY! I just survived that!! But that is the cycle we are trying to break. Each to their own...but that's the other side of it...
Meditation, soft mystical music, connecting with God all has helped me too. Nature is phenomenal. Feeding and making friends with the Ravens every day. I love life NOW that I’m alone! ❤
Thank you. This was very helpful to me. I haven't quite heard it this way before. I spent 30 years married to a malignant covert narcissist. He ran away from home shortly after his diagnosis and once my daughter and I became wise to the gaslighting and other neat tricks he had. Apparently, we no longer gave him enough supply once we were educated about his personality disorder.
Understanding science, especially anatomy, physiology and neuroscience helps to grasp what’s happening within us when we are traumatized; our survival depends on those responses. We are wonderfully made according to God, the author of science, and He brought me through and finally out of a hellish situation. With His love, guidance and comfort I am stronger, wiser and appreciative of Him. He brought joy and peace into my life. I love science and thank you for this wonderfully explained trauma response/survival mechanism we experience when we know that something in our surroundings isn’t as it should be. We may rationalize/lie to ourselves but our body doesn’t lie, thank God.
I love your comment. Me too, if not for God as I know Him, I wouldn’t have made it out of religious trauma or husband with best friend trauma. God bless you dearly.
I feel this! I know it was God that not only got me through (even though I'm far from over) it, He guided me to the place where I saw the truth. My pain and betrayal by my husband wasn't God. He was saddened by my pain. He was there holding me until I felt his push. 4 years later and we are still working on our marriage.
I'm going through this now. 9 Months ago, I found out my husband of 35 years had a 5-month emotional and physical affair. This was the first time he cheated on me. I suffer from depression at the moment, some days I just want to disappear. It feels like my whole life is over, I can't leave him, I'm financially depended on him. It's horrible to stay with someone who betrayed and hurt you so much you just want to die. But I know I will get through this, but my relationship with my husband will definitely never be the same.
BEEN THERE, just try to focus on giving yourself SO MUCH LOVE and I've found listening to these & caring enough about myself to want to heal myself gives me power & confidence. I really hope you know that you are BEAUTIFUL and so many cheat for reasons other than that because it ROCKED my self esteem terribly & I wanted to disappear too! I moved states thankfully 💝 You aren't alone 💕 Laughing & watching funny videos has REALLY HELPED TOO even & mostly when I'd rather roll my eyes & throw the covers back over my head! You deserve to give back to yourself all that he took away 🌷🙏😘
Unless he broke off the affair AND confessed to you AND is willing to do anything to heal the marriage, assume he has cheated many times. Also contact the top 3 divorce lawyers in your county for consult since then he cannot hire them. Cheaters are sneaky and plotters. They will smooze you into sex after disclosure just so their adultery cannot legally be heald against them in court. (Sex = forgiveness in the eyes of the law). Know you are not alone in this nightmare.
Wow you guys! Me too! Know the worst feeling? Feeling you’re alone. I was thrown out of Jehovah’s Witnesses, shunned, lost the JW husband to my best friend because he preached to her and she fell in love with him, lost my JW brother and all whom I loved due to the shunning, ended up betrayed and left for dead...and thought I was alone. God came to my rescue, but gently and loving, not the destructive god of the Watchtower. Then I got up from the fall, stood up, and went wild. Then did all the things I wasn’t allowed to do in Watchtower. Made a mess, fell many times, thought I’d die, kept getting back up, went for that “Higher Education”, fell in love many times, worked hard, made it on my own, but would NOT want to go through this crap again. So I hear and relate to y’all ! Keep on getting up! AND, the best revenge is to live well and joyful!!!!
It would be so helpful if this topic could be open to include all types of personal relationship betrayal. It would help feel all of us who have gone through a betrayal from trusted loved ones validated. I am not married but I was betrayed by my best friend of 30+ years. I didn't see it coming. I was blind-sighted. Since then I have done all that I know to do to overcome that part of my life. Betrayal hurts period. Thank you for the video but more inclusivity would be incredibly helpful 😊
I totally hear you. To be betrayed by my best friend with my religious then husband hurt far worse than his betrayal of me. It has followed me all my life. I’ve tried everything from forgiving to intense anger to therapies to love and “letting go”, to revenge thoughts, to nightmares reliving the hurt over and over again. Nothing works. It’s PTSD and betrayal by a best friend is not easy to overcome. I understand. 😢
Women do get betrayed a lot by other females. I know what you mean. It does hurt a lot. You confie in another female on a deep level and they use it to hurt you. Totally get it. Just remember that a friend who stops being a friend was never a friend.
@@Kathy-qu8zj thank you so much for your strong words sister💛🙏🏼 I’m thankful for each brand new day. I’m often angry at myself.. this is still so fresh I can’t help it. I’m really trying to forgive myself. I hate how blind I was. I was already vulnerable- he took it and ran. “High school sweethearts” I’m so embarrassed since everyone believed we were sooo good, including me💔
I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this. It's devastating. Funny thing with the second man who betrayed me, ( second live-in partner) he was actually happier and more pleasant at home during his affair. His personality was so combative over every little thing, unless I totally agreed with him , and only listen, not talk.... ( narcissist) I was barely even allowed comments. Since I knew he gets angry in response, and turns everything around like a weapon, I didn't even attempt to discuss the fact that I knew he was having an affair. At this point I gave up on even believing that non- cheating males exist, and just gave up. Just be the pleasant, polite housewife so things don't get worse. (At least it wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally devastating and completely numbing.) Bottomed out emotionally, and disassociated for years. Thank you for your video. .
Wow! That’s amazing that you could control yourself and be that self-disciplined and move on with your life, all as it was happening! Good for you! I tried that, but finally broke down. I think I really did disassociate and went totally numb like I was outside myself looking in. But when we divorced and married her (my best friend), I tried to compete by rebounding too and then my life Wilded Out for years after. I made a mess on the one hand, with my life because of the betrayal, but on the other hand, pursued Higher Education, worked hard WHILE I was getting wild. But life finally settled down again then I realized nothing he or she or I did was good for our children. My children are grown now and they and I are close, they’re all good adults but I can’t help but still feel that the betrayals and survival skills I used to make it in life were wise or good. We often, when we’re young, don’t have the tools we need to make another “perfect” nest. We may learn so much later in life. Then we look back feeling regret and praying our kids won’t go through what we went through.
This helps me understand my wife who date 3 other d bags b4 me. The hurt her bad.the hurt they caused her still lingers 15 years later. She never cheated that i m aware of. I never have but she broke my heart by 1000 little holes in my heart. Understanding has helped me navigate this over the years and help her heal. But it allmost caused me to take it to a break up. Shes so hurt that she hurts me unintentionally cause she s protecting her self . Doing great now
Yeah, when I was going through a lot of this I took up bike riding which was simple and helped to get back into my body and burn off the anger. I had a friend who took up marshal arts to get control of his emotions. You give good advice.
Extremely valuable for understanding the effects of betrayal trauma and how to self-regulate. My betrayal trauma therapist recommended you - I have a genetic enzymatic stress disorder - so this is even more critical guidance for me. Thank you so much for all your deep guidance and assistance for self-autonomy and reaffirmation of choice.
Sorry for your loss. The pain created by these men and women is beyond this world. I was maarried to the devil for 17 years. I had broken bones, survived cancer on mÿ own, all while he had affairs.
I don’t even know how to trust anymore. Now when I love someone, I simply enjoy it then say “Bye! Have a good day!” and let go immediately. If they return, then we’ll share. But trust? I trust no one and definitely no religion, no friend, I do trust myself now.
It’s when the person isn’t remorseful and understands that he chose to move in with you because he was moving 3,000 miles away with his lover who was living in his condo while he rented a bedroom in a house for you to sleep over at. I had my own house which is where he left ALL his stuff when he drove off to the house his “Boss” had bough th 3,000 miles away that they had flown to so she could buy them a home to move to. That what gets me is the premeditated calculated way he ruined a two year intimate relationship we were. In 😮😢. 😡 He has never once apologized to me even though we’ve spoken a few times. Obviously he isn’t a good person. It’s sad there are so many wolves in sheep’s clothing waiting for Little Red Riding Hood to devour. I think potential lovers’s need to be vetted even if it’s just a friend you pay to follow him for a few days and see what he is doing when you are not together.
I think it’s better not to trust, leave the man to do his thing, you to live your life as you please and not be an available lover. Trust no one but yourself and God as you personally understand Him. Trust no religion, no friend.
Isn't the betrayal which we experienced in adult life based on betrayal we have experienced from one or two caregiver in childhood? And it can be just healed by going back to this betrayed child within us?
@@EnzoIsabella it's like finding out the world is actually a bad bad place all around - and not the other way round. this means losing hope. But, in my good moments, I can tell myself, these people hurt us not because they woke up one morning and said to themselves 'this is a good day to crash some lifes and hurt some people!'. They are not Hitler. They dont do this because the are just pure evil and like to torture other human beings. Most of the people are just WEAK. And in being so, they hurt people all around them because they dont have the inner strength to DO THE RIGHT THING. Of course you dont have to accept this. There is a difference between being WEAK and becoming a WEAKLING because of that. I dont blame people for being weak, we all are, kind of. But I dont condone the behaviour where they use this as an excuse for hurting other people just to feel better and not taking any responsability for their actions. If someone is an adult yet not taking any accountability, he is not evil, he is just deeply immature. But he COULD be better. He could evolve. I dont condone the weaklings behaviour of like 'resting on their laurels' of 'but I am just so weak...' I'd say: Stop that. Stop with the excuses. Do better, 100 percent. This mindset helps me. I wouldnt get mad at erratic actions of young and dumb teenagers either. Everyone who is willing to hurt me like that out of pure self-centeredness and without one percent of self-reflection is not better than these kids. And I cant take them more seriously than that.
I grew up with trauma so all I attract is traumatic circumstances. I have begun shadow work, I want change and healing to happen from within. It is a painful process but I have a lot of negative emotions that need to be confronted and integrated. I wish I had of known this 30 years ago, I could have stopped the cycle. Instead I've been blaming everyone except myself. My wife got herself pregnant to another man while we were still married. I keep forgetting that life is not perfect and I need to appreciate what little I have and to be grateful because some people have nothing.
About 30 years ago, something traumatic with infidelity happened to me, but still, it comes to my mind. Still, the betray comes to my mind from time to time.
THAT, I understand completely. I’ll be doing great, go to sleep and up pop the dreams of life and betrayal from YEARS ago and I have to relive the whole danged thing. That’s really hard. PTSD.
Does being dumped in an orphanage at 4 years old by your parents qualify as betrayal trauma? And then being threatened, they'd take you back if you were naughty?
Oh God, yes. Please be at peace now and love yourself with all the gentleness and fun within you. Re-create a beautiful, safe childhood by creating a beautiful, safe haven for yourself and treating yourself well! ❤
Interesting i realize ty...story I tell myself is ill be poor, I'll be homeless. My mother narcissistic abuse, kicked me out often as a teen now I'm no contact the fam at 44 years old. But being single, a slow day, or hiccup at work. All brings back feelings of being helpless w no home or money.
What about the trauma of a sexless marriage. He would lie and lie and say we would get help we would see a therapist. Emotional abuse. Emotional neglect. And no physical love. 20 years. So last year I met someone was with them for a month. It ended for so many reasons. We had agreed on an open marriage, my husband agreed. This was a mistake. We are angry. We both feel Betrayed. I am experiencing depression and anxiety. He is an avoidant and has been for years. Being ignored has changed my brain I also have high anxiety. I don’t know if we can make it. I feel powerless. He is so angry and is annoyed that I have depression. This is not the first time I have had depression. Every time I wanted to leave I would fall into depression he would say yes we will get help, “ I will get help he would say” I will see a sex therapist. Then nothing. I feel like I won’t be able to return to myself again. Life has been tough. It’s hard to get out of bed. He finally has a therapist. He says he’s doing great. Well he doesn’t have depression or anxiety. I feel like I have been kidnapped and I have no control of my life. I am so sad. I feel abandoned. Like I said he is an “avoidant” he will go to the computer and just work. Sometimes I will get a hug. But I don’t know if he can change and push through his wall. I have not felt validated even though we both have apologized to each a million time. I don’t feel safe. We are intertwined. Our children we have This whole life. I feel hopeless. How can we both heal? I feel needy and weird. I have anxious attachment. I just want us to heal our childhood wounds. Again I do not feel safe. How do I join your group for betrayal?
The world tells a lie that it's women who don't want sex. The shame and rejection are so painful. Your husband could be on the autism spectrum. This pattern you described is very common in neurodiverse marriages. Of course, I can't possibly know your situation, but it might be worth investigating.
It's not horrible being on your own. I was so afraid to lose everything but realized it wasn't good for our family. Things are really good now and I am growing. Would never go back
I developed my response ……dead bedroom is a MUST and never ever have sex with the “ husband” EVER …..I feel much much better knowing he has no ACCESS whatsoever …..if he does NOT LIKE IT HE NEEDS TO DIVORCE AND PAY ME TO GO AWAY .
He had betrayed you? You were hurt badly. I think you’re a wise woman, if he misused you. If there are children involved, I hope they see civility and affection between you though. If no children involved though, live your life.
Many marriages that have not gone well, solved the problems by twin beds. Then separate bedrooms. It works for some who think they can’t make it financially in our terrible economy. Living together separately. I’ve known couples who do that successfully and then if circumstances have to change, they’re ready for the divorce settlements. Why move out of your home?
YOU are an extraordinary TEACHER & SO HELPFUL & Humble 💝 So Im super GRATEFUL to have found you 🙏 What a GEM , please keep doing these because I just subscribed and its perfect timing...THANK YOU THANK YOU ✨️✨️✨️
I was a stupid (sorry) Jehovah’s Witness who disagreed with a doctrine and got disfellowshipped and shunned. My JW brother has never spoken to me again. He must and DOES think of me as “dead”. He abandoned me. I know how you feel. I still love my big brother. It still hurts. 😢
Yea I can't beleive this is my life. Sat at a family wedding last night at same table with ex bf who pulled a 22 shot gun on me at 23 yrs old. Well I'm 61 and would have nightmares every few years that we were stil together up until about 10 years ago. Also our family is not close and selfishness, emotional abuse. Gaslighting was rampant growing up. I'm now at this age totally isolated and have tried soooo many modalities to release whatever has plagued me forever. I can't believe I can feel such love for people with whom I feel and have always felt so uncomfortable with. Just a very strange negative vibe on holidays which we dont even have anymore. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing as I dont even celebrate holidays anymore . This level of hopelessness is so bad . And Migraines have severely limited my QOL, I should say ability to have a life
Seriously, I feel for you. The nightmares where you still relive it, I have those too. It’s like you can’t get away from yourself yet they are the ones who hurt you! I know. My therapist called it PTSD. It’s like an innocent going to war and they don’t really know why. Then they fight to stay alive! Then come home and think, “What just happened?”
Yes! This is me too. I've read so much. Listened to so much. Watched so much. I feel like I have the info. But something keeps me from being able to put it all into practice somehow.
Stephen Porges is, sortoff-kinda one of the inventors-creators of the polyvagal theory. He gives lots of amazing talks in podcasts in yt, i wonder why you did not mention that? I see you have written it here above in info, it's good to tell so people can find more info about it. I so relate with what so many people write here....
Hi. He is the creator of this model. I credit him in the description and on my handout but I agree I could have mentioned him in more detail in this particular video. I mention him often when listening to trauma treatment options.
Watching your video. I was in two back to back marriage's end both were bad but the second one almost killed me and may yet. It's like she got pleasure out of hurting me and I loved her too much. She divorced me after 10 years of constant abuse in 2007 and I'm still not well. My body and mind have paid the ultimate price. You are so right about everything. I don't have anyone who understands. I was doing better but the last several weeks I have been contemplating putting my head in that shell forever. Don't know how much longer I can take it. Like John Lennon said in 'Yer Blues' I feel so suicidal, even hate my Rock-N-Roll. Yes I am a songwriter and musician. Give me just one more day....
@@christinesotelo7655 thank you. You have the heart of an Angel. You don't know how much your kindness helped me. I will try to make it one day at a time. And I won't forget you. I have always been very empathetic also. Thank you again! ❤️
So sorry to hear your story, I've been in alot of relationships and never found true love until I prayed to Jesus and he answered my prayers not straight away but I know in my spirit he was there and showed me the light out of those dark thoughts, he is waiting for you to love you like no one in this world can ,don't listen to those dark thoughts they are not from him ,this is not religious but his spirit he is for you and will come to your rescue like no other !sending you hope for your future ❤
This all was so right on, I was totally there, still going through some if this still ,but each day is a new day of moving forward with counseling not just for me but couple therapy.
I have accepted that my partner won’t listen to my work, yet she has not accepted that I will not listen to her social trouble? So what is empathy to whom?
Thank you I'm so glad I found you today. I've been looping for years. 2 years ago when my mom died I was spinning out of control I tried therapy and that was the worst thing that ever happened why don't the therapist that are covered by insurance able to help. Can you help me
Yes. Then you get up and feel a bit stronger. I think the hardest thing to face is the emotions of Grief! Because grief has so many levels to it. You’ve suffered loss. You’ll grieve and that hurts. Some days I’ll think I’m over grief. Then up pops anger. Then I’ll soothe that down, then I’ll cry for no reason. Then I’ll really be doing well but up pops the whole thing to revisit in nightmares! So, I go out and get a life. One thing I know for sure: life goes on. It WILL heal.
I was abused by my x wife and I was poisioned with rat poision half of my brain was black from coagulation blood also my heart needed 4 new valves. I have recovered to a point . But I have issues where I say things out loud like oh well! And you know how they are. Or I say I Gotta be!. Or I'll say I'm out of here!. This happens in the morning 🌄 and when I get tired. I'm so lonely 🙁 I have been alone for 13 years. My family still abuses me calls me names teases me and they get angry at me for no reason. I want to recover and stop shouting out . I cannot stop it and it's uncontrollable, because how I'm treated by my family. HOW CAN I GET WELL AND STOP SHOUTING OUT UNCONTROLLABE THINGS? I pray 🙏 I focus on God. I forgive my family abusers. But I feel terrible inside I can't get over Rejection and feeling I bad because I am called moron retarded stupid . And I am teased and made fun of. So I Hide and stay to myself. I need to get well. Proably get away from my family. Several years ago I thought about killing myself to get away from my family and all of thier abuse. I read my Bible and I pray but I am still bothered by my family. How do I get over this ?😢
I’m with you. I feel it. Chronic pain (from accident alone saving old family home) family ultimately dismissed denied made me pay.. and all of the associated traumas. Including medical trauma. My heart goes out to you. I wish my mom were still alive. Bully boys are scary and deadly:( I never would have thought it possible. ❤
There is no betrayal but only of self without knowing you are doing so if someone is betraying you outside of you is cause you betraying yourself inwardly. No one can betray you if you don’t start doing so first.
@KristinSnowden What about moving on from a therapist who betrayed you? I knew her for 6 years (with sexual stuff involved) and she was like a superhero to me. 25 years old than I but eventually she realized I had caught on to her and turned on me and then lied to the cops about me to protect her career. I’ve never been the same. Can’t even feel sexual attraction anymore
At last - you explain it so well! Now I've a clue as to how to make some steps to move through this. But please 🙏 I can't find the self help menu on your web site 🙏 Thankyou so very much for this insightful helpful gift
trust is a lie you tell yourself fact is that betrayal happens in almost every relationship you ever have. what is the worth of trust in others? what does it add to your life but shock, pain, distrust in oneself, damage etc.
Everything your describing here I've expertly my life. It came from the physical and sexual abuI experienced in my childhood. My father and my mother are where I experienced the most devastating betrayal trauma. Relationships with partners have been secondary.
Can betrayal be emotional (long term gaslighting, manipulation, devaluation) without any definite sexual betrayal by partner… I think so. The covert emotional abuse is so awful.
In the 80s, My son's father beat me the whole time I was pregnant. I was only 17... But then I had to deal with his abuse for 18 years of weekly visitation ... Then men were making fun of My tiny AA breast size... and that was it... I stopped dating 15 years ago. I don't ever want to take my shirt off in front of a man ever again
Telling it to someone who will judge you or without “containment” (ie without a therapist guiding you and helping you down regulate and stabilize while reviewing trauma) can make it worse or more likely it’ll cause things to surface that your nervous system feels unable to stabilize or manage.
Yes. I have talked to therapists who didn’t have a clue, for example, about trauma that came from rigid religion. I ended up feeling worse because I couldn’t make them interested enough to be with me on my level as I retold the trauma. To tell your most painful moments, it’s like having to have a good labor coach while you’re giving birth. It’s that difficult, but if you’ve gotten the right help, it feels so wonderful to have been coached through it and you feel free of the weight and pain! ❤
I do know that for me, if I talk about betrayal, I sweat and feel kind of faint. I have to have something with me that brings up my blood sugar level. It’s very physical.
How to distinguish between own delusions and reality? Was each deal validated against reality alone and combined with other expectations? Assuming monogamy is an expectation in fulfilling partnerships yet, over half switch partner so is it a valid assumption when reality/statistics says otherwise? So it is hope or control, despite reality, for a persons own emotions? It is a fallacy to believe maintaining an invulnerable mindset can protect you? Accept reality and move on? Also woke people truly believe malice when they feel hurt? Unable to accept that other people may have other ToMs goals desire’s? So my wife moves out, bc she can’t accept autistic me, question: who is the victim? As Lisa Feldman says, in some cultures anxiety is handled by sleeping during daytime? When is an attack warented - if it makes an other person unsafe. Yes, cluster Bs are extreme, but are men in general?
There are a lot of betrayed partner groups. I have some from my website KristinSnowden.com. Sexandrelationshiphealing.com and WeTonglen.com have options as well.
What happens if you switch between the 2 states you've mentioned up and down😢 feel like I've got double the work to be done in myself and around this trauma😢
In how many more the brain splits if it’s multiple people? I mean I can barely function at this point.. I been betrayal by pretty much everyone in my life except my childrens.. but, mother, family betrayed for money, ex husband, and friends even my most trusted ones.. it’s been almost 3 years now but, I still have my body come back to anxiety and panic shock daily.. then I get so drained, I can’t even move or function.
Thank u for recognizing betrayal in Live Wrecks u. I have loved a Handful of men Very Deeply & I Truly wanted a long lasting full deep relationship. Every One of them let me know I was u worthy of partnership/long term love. That sh*t deeply wrecks u. As a middle age single mom I am Do e w/men. I wanted so Thing deep But no more. Can not depend on love or men.
My gut instinct is telling me constantly that my partner is cheating/sleeping with someone else. I don’t know what to do, she has lied to me over a minor thing before, but I don’t know if she would go so far as to cheat.. :/
If it is sexless, I would follow your gut. But after that I dunno. I guess just start looking for someone else. Cheaters will Never admit, so no point confronting. You have to stand up for your self, or your doomed, shes not worth it trust me, shes already dont like you, and you cant change that. But if you stay, don't expect things to change, they'll just get worse. Is that really how your suppost to feel in a relationship? No, but you see red flags, and asking what to do? I say run buddy, this shit destroyed my life, theres better people out there for you
Listen to yourself over her is my advice, no relationship is worth invalidating your own intuition and instinct. Trust me, I learnt the hard way by ignoring the external red flags, and my own inner knowing, I even had dreams telling me the truth, which I ignored. The truth, although painful is so much better than continuing to believe a lie.A liar doesn't know how to be honest with themselves or others, be sure not to be caught out by believing them over yourself.
@@zoejukes7028 you make a lot of sense and tbh i agree with you. There has been too many times where she has blatantly disrespected me, never admitted to cheating but my gut feeling is too strong. Day 2 of no contact, shes currently blocked everywhere and now trying my emails. I’m moving forward, thanks for your advice bud
@@jimd4609 i appreciate you taking time out to give me advice. I agree with you and am on day 2 of no contact. I am moving forward, not looking for someone else because i do love her but she is a narcassist and manipulates me a lot so I guess her love is a facade. Thanks for taking time out bud
Hire a private detective for proof or do your own snooping. If true, file for divorce and heal before starting a new relationship. Rebound relationships are a recipe for disaster.
That’s right! For me, it was an “advocate” imposing the generational trauma by and through the abuse of power. I can only laugh, the irony is so absurd.
I thought that too until husband cheated like both our fathers, deserted kids like both our fathers. Now 18 years post divorce, just found out my son had molested his two sisters as children, another son molested his other brother and has cheated on his wife with multiple affairs.
Some people are doing it tough because of these people Hard facts need courage to except and deal with But it's strange how the victims have to get help Not perpetrators They need it more than us So they don't reafend Anything so they don't afend again
I'm an alienated single elder of a narristic daughter. I am not guilty of her gaslighting and lies, but I did raise this monster, so am guilty of doing something wrong.
I slam myself for mistakes I made in dealing with betrayals. I feel guilty if my adult children go through any unpleasant things at all. I don’t think we are to blame. We all did the best we could. And most of the thinking we must’ve made some mistake is not true. It’s just a feeling. Because we don’t want to see them go through what we may have gone through. But life finds a way. It’s life.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. But most of my channel is devoted to helping betrayed partners heal. I also have several small live works developed for healing.
After 48 years of marriage to whom I thought was someone who loved me unconditionally, I found out, after his death, that he had been a cheater and a liar. It broke my heart. I almost committed suicide. Then I decided to get even, and it helped me somewhat. His ashes, which I was going to blend with mine and spread at any body of water, I threw his ashes at a Walmart dumpster, a place he hated the most! It worked for me. I was able to move forward and am in an excellent relationship now.
I'm sorry for your pain. The dumpster part is funny. Seems appropriate after the betrayal.
I hope you heal and have a great life.
Is this a real story?
So glad you are doing well! I love how you paid your ex back, lol!
You are my hero! That is a GREAT revenge story! You made my night! Thank you! 😂❤😢😮
@@williedelrey3021 love it!! You Rock!!💚
“Every betrayal begins with trust.”
Expectations are the root of all suffering.
Trust but verify. Set expectations and biundries. Communication is key and sticking to your boundries. We need to learn to stand up for ourselves and not feel bad for doing so. I wish it didn't take so long to learn these things.
That is a very wise statement: “Every betrayal begins with trust...”.
TNB.
Ewwww good one
After 33 years of abusive marriage, he decided the best time for him to “come clean”(tell us about his wh0re in another city), while he’s in hospice. I took care of him for the last 4 months. It was so hard because I hated him by then. I had to mourn the relationship, mourn the death…most difficult thing. I found being out with friends, journaling, great therapist, new hobbies, redirecting ruminating thoughts..It’s been a little over 2 years now and I’m doing great. Grateful every day for freedom and peace and I love being in control of my own life
Yikes, I too went through years of abuse as well
God is the answer ✝️
If you are doing great, perhaps you can reword your statement about the other woman. It is highly likely that he deceived her as well.
@@suzetteshares I’ve seen multiple texts, she knew he was married, she specifically talked about their “secret). He was 61, she was 34…I saw the credit card bills so no, I stand by my comments but thanks for your input
@@oilselevated4808 If there were credit card statements, and she was technically in some way 'paid'...I see no reason that your characterization is inaccurate.
Can this be done without a friend circle. ? That there is the stumbling block
Abuse can also lead to autoimmune illnesses, changes in HPA axis, hypothyroidism, hypocortisolism, changes in brain structure (especially in children), changes in how the brain work (you can even call that a brain damage), changes in epigenetics (which genes active and which not), dysautonomia (the nervous system is permanently in flight or fight). Other physical illnesses.
I have pots from it
Yes yes yes
Wow, I feel this now. Disassociation, depression and hopelessness, sleeping too much, hypervigilance....everything you have mentioned is what I'm dealing with.
Probably all of us here. Yes! Me too!
Me too
me too
Same.
It does get better. Promise.❤
Married 38yrs, learned about husbands 4.5yr affairs.i forgave him. Had NO IDEA my body would malfunction, crazy emotional typhoon. I had 4 strokes. He did not want to talk just forget it all. I'm SO BETRAYED!!! NO HELP, HE VIDEOED MY FITS. Horrible person!
I’m sorry. That’s so painful. Hopefully you have some support around you.
Yes that’s why we can’t let them Back into our lives. In general they are not remorseful nor do they care about ruining your health. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Let me guess, you’re still with him, right?
@@GotoworkkkNo. In 2023 I did a legal separation because he was drinking and driving. To protect myself not to divorce him. I also moved separately because he stopped coming home... he literally ran when I tried to talk to him. I missed him so much. 2024 I forgave him, but had such severe Betrayal Trauma symptoms. He moved into where I was living... I wanted answers, he did not like that... I was so upset I had 4 Strokes. He had to leave because he was gaslighting me! Now he's gone. I am so confused and sad. 😥
@@lisagarcia9442I'm so sorry. Now that the source of trauma has made an exit, I hope perspective and healing enters
The body keeps the score . I am afraid , emotionally down 😢
You are NOT alone even though I do know it feels that way, so I'm glad you are here & being brave enough to comment & reach out! SENDING BIG HUGE HUGS & Brighter days ahead...just keep putting one foot forward, keep getting up & praise yourself for that because you deserve praise ❤
Praying for you ❤
@@brookeamann1316
Thank you
@elisabethwyndaele5912 Of course , you aren't alone ✨️🙏😘
my wife lied to me sooo much i thought i was crazy , had a emotional affair that i read about .. she never , NEVER admitted it either.. IT CHANGED ME. still recovering after 32 years of marriage & realizing she was two different people. the one i thought and who she was. yes , i trusted her picked her loved her , what’s wrong with me …working a lot , and working out , eating well and sleeping well … but i’m probably never be NORMAL again
You’re normal. And you’re taking care of YOU! That’s all good and natural! It hurts, I know, but life will open up for you.
Sorry for your trouble. My first husband did this to me. Awful
My narcissistic ex took me to court two weeks after our daughter was born by c-section, after abandoning us, would not give me the car seat, trapped me physically by blocking my car with his until he served me with papers. I was also 1600 miles from my support system. It was also a miserable pregnancy where I was told I was the problem. He recorded me when I was so sleep deprived, as I confronted him and played it for the courts in an attempt to say I was crazy to take our daughter away from me. It was the most terrifying experience of my life! We're about to go to custody trial after over two years...if he doesn't sign an agreement on my terms. This is very helpful, especially when explaining to court how damaging this intentional emotional abuse was! Thank you ❤
My friend does cold water plunges for her trauma healing, and she's had really good results.
Alot of people say BE gentle.
We are healing roughness and being in Survival, which is what the cold plunge does...trips you into Survival. You feel good after but that's because your brain is saying YAY! I just survived that!! But that is the cycle we are trying to break.
Each to their own...but that's the other side of it...
The shock can also help to release stuck energy so you can process. Take time with it. Ease into it.
Haven't tried that yet. Breathwork has been amazing for my healing journey❤
Writing about it has been a great help to me. Does a cold shower count as cold water therapy? 😮
Meditation, soft mystical music, connecting with God all has helped me too. Nature is phenomenal. Feeding and making friends with the Ravens every day. I love life NOW that I’m alone! ❤
Thank you. This was very helpful to me. I haven't quite heard it this way before. I spent 30 years married to a malignant covert narcissist. He ran away from home shortly after his diagnosis and once my daughter and I became wise to the gaslighting and other neat tricks he had. Apparently, we no longer gave him enough supply once we were educated about his personality disorder.
So glad it’s helpful. I have a lot more resources on my website KristinSnowden.com, this channel and I also have small live groups.
Thank you ♡@@KristinSnowden
My ex-husband had multiple affairs. I have rheumatoid arthritis. I had to support myself and became so ill. I never grieved till I became disabled.
@44kat I am sorry. I am also disabled with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and several other rhings
Understanding science, especially anatomy, physiology and neuroscience helps to grasp what’s happening within us when we are traumatized; our survival depends on those responses. We are wonderfully made according to God, the author of science, and He brought me through and finally out of a hellish situation. With His love, guidance and comfort I am stronger, wiser and appreciative of Him. He brought joy and peace into my life. I love science and thank you for this wonderfully explained trauma response/survival mechanism we experience when we know that something in our surroundings isn’t as it should be. We may rationalize/lie to ourselves but our body doesn’t lie, thank God.
I love your comment. Me too, if not for God as I know Him, I wouldn’t have made it out of religious trauma or husband with best friend trauma. God bless you dearly.
I feel this!
I know it was God that not only got me through (even though I'm far from over) it, He guided me to the place where I saw the truth. My pain and betrayal by my husband wasn't God. He was saddened by my pain. He was there holding me until I felt his push.
4 years later and we are still working on our marriage.
I'm going through this now. 9 Months ago, I found out my husband of 35 years had a 5-month emotional and physical affair. This was the first time he cheated on me. I suffer from depression at the moment, some days I just want to disappear. It feels like my whole life is over, I can't leave him, I'm financially depended on him. It's horrible to stay with someone who betrayed and hurt you so much you just want to die. But I know I will get through this, but my relationship with my husband will definitely never be the same.
BEEN THERE, just try to focus on giving yourself SO MUCH LOVE and I've found listening to these & caring enough about myself to want to heal myself gives me power & confidence. I really hope you know that you are BEAUTIFUL and so many cheat for reasons other than that because it ROCKED my self esteem terribly & I wanted to disappear too! I moved states thankfully 💝
You aren't alone 💕
Laughing & watching funny videos has REALLY HELPED TOO even & mostly when I'd rather roll my eyes & throw the covers back over my head! You deserve to give back to yourself all that he took away 🌷🙏😘
Unless he broke off the affair AND confessed to you AND is willing to do anything to heal the marriage, assume he has cheated many times. Also contact the top 3 divorce lawyers in your county for consult since then he cannot hire them. Cheaters are sneaky and plotters. They will smooze you into sex after disclosure just so their adultery cannot legally be heald against them in court. (Sex = forgiveness in the eyes of the law). Know you are not alone in this nightmare.
@@brookeamann1316 thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. ♥
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a small betrayed partners group starting in October that might be a good fit for you.
@@KristinSnowden thank you. I'll keep it in mind.
Just having the language with which to call it out is a victory.
Empowerment is the way, empower thy self and others so this evil will not perpetuate.
This has happened to me over and over again all my life starting with my mother when I was about 6 years old.
Yes. We usually get our first heartbreaks when we’re little children.
My mind shut down at one point.
Had a psychotic break. She ruined a career plans.
I lost everything.
Been there,too. You are not alone.
This is what happened to me too! I became someone I didn’t even know
Damn. I lost focus at work and was fired because of my husband's infidelity.
He belittled me and told me to get over it.
Wow you guys! Me too! Know the worst feeling? Feeling you’re alone. I was thrown out of Jehovah’s Witnesses, shunned, lost the JW husband to my best friend because he preached to her and she fell in love with him, lost my JW brother and all whom I loved due to the shunning, ended up betrayed and left for dead...and thought I was alone. God came to my rescue, but gently and loving, not the destructive god of the Watchtower. Then I got up from the fall, stood up, and went wild. Then did all the things I wasn’t allowed to do in Watchtower. Made a mess, fell many times, thought I’d die, kept getting back up, went for that “Higher Education”, fell in love many times, worked hard, made it on my own, but would NOT want to go through this crap again. So I hear and relate to y’all ! Keep on getting up! AND, the best revenge is to live well and joyful!!!!
@@christinesotelo7655 - sometimes the only way is through.
People don’t talk about this enough. This is my first time feeling heard.
It would be so helpful if this topic could be open to include all types of personal relationship betrayal. It would help feel all of us who have gone through a betrayal from trusted loved ones validated. I am not married but I was betrayed by my best friend of 30+ years. I didn't see it coming. I was blind-sighted. Since then I have done all that I know to do to overcome that part of my life. Betrayal hurts period. Thank you for the video but more inclusivity would be incredibly helpful 😊
I totally hear you. To be betrayed by my best friend with my religious then husband hurt far worse than his betrayal of me. It has followed me all my life. I’ve tried everything from forgiving to intense anger to therapies to love and “letting go”, to revenge thoughts, to nightmares reliving the hurt over and over again. Nothing works. It’s PTSD and betrayal by a best friend is not easy to overcome. I understand. 😢
Women do get betrayed a lot by other females. I know what you mean. It does hurt a lot. You confie in another female on a deep level and they use it to hurt you. Totally get it. Just remember that a friend who stops being a friend was never a friend.
Yes, I’ve been deeply hurt by my sister, totally caught off guard. I’m trying to recover, it happened 10 weeks ago, still ruminating. It’s hard.
I turned 40 and seriously woke tf up. Shame on that sleep that robbed me of my life😞
2decades of trauma💔
Better than more than 4 lil sister.. don’t look back.. stay forward “new life” focused, the past is passed. New beautiful life. You’re not alone.
@@Kathy-qu8zj thank you so much for your strong words sister💛🙏🏼 I’m thankful for each brand new day. I’m often angry at myself.. this is still so fresh I can’t help it. I’m really trying to forgive myself. I hate how blind I was. I was already vulnerable- he took it and ran.
“High school sweethearts” I’m so embarrassed since everyone believed we were sooo good, including me💔
@@HisEternalLight. I think we’ve all been there.. know exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. Far too many of us out here..
Same
I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this. It's devastating.
Funny thing with the second man who betrayed me, ( second live-in partner) he was actually happier and more pleasant at home during his affair.
His personality was so combative over every little thing, unless I totally agreed with him , and only listen, not talk.... ( narcissist) I was barely even allowed comments.
Since I knew he gets angry in response, and turns everything around like a weapon, I didn't even attempt to discuss the fact that I knew he was having an affair.
At this point I gave up on even believing that non- cheating males exist, and just gave up.
Just be the pleasant, polite housewife so things don't get worse.
(At least it wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally devastating and completely numbing.)
Bottomed out emotionally, and disassociated for years.
Thank you for your video.
.
Wow! That’s amazing that you could control yourself and be that self-disciplined and move on with your life, all as it was happening! Good for you! I tried that, but finally broke down. I think I really did disassociate and went totally numb like I was outside myself looking in. But when we divorced and married her (my best friend), I tried to compete by rebounding too and then my life Wilded Out for years after. I made a mess on the one hand, with my life because of the betrayal, but on the other hand, pursued Higher Education, worked hard WHILE I was getting wild. But life finally settled down again then I realized nothing he or she or I did was good for our children. My children are grown now and they and I are close, they’re all good adults but I can’t help but still feel that the betrayals and survival skills I used to make it in life were wise or good. We often, when we’re young, don’t have the tools we need to make another “perfect” nest. We may learn so much later in life. Then we look back feeling regret and praying our kids won’t go through what we went through.
This helps me understand my wife who date 3 other d bags b4 me. The hurt her bad.the hurt they caused her still lingers 15 years later. She never cheated that i m aware of. I never have but she broke my heart by 1000 little holes in my heart. Understanding has helped me navigate this over the years and help her heal. But it allmost caused me to take it to a break up. Shes so hurt that she hurts me unintentionally cause she s protecting her self . Doing great now
❤❤❤
💖
You are a true gem. What a gift to her you are. I hope your self-care is good and That your efforts to love her well are rewarded!
I started watching this and it is so triggering for me, so I have to turn it off and watch little bits at a time
I’m so sorry that this is so painful for you. Hopefully you can eventually attend a group to help support you in this.
Maybe you need an in person trauma therapist if you can get one❤
Same here. Anxiety goes up 😢
Yeah, when I was going through a lot of this I took up bike riding which was simple and helped to get back into my body and burn off the anger. I had a friend who took up marshal arts to get control of his emotions. You give good advice.
I love that you bring hope and ‘I’m not broken’ messages into your video.
There is hope. While I see a lot of trauma and tragedy. I also see a lot of healing and restoration.
Extremely valuable for understanding the effects of betrayal trauma and how to self-regulate. My betrayal trauma therapist recommended you - I have a genetic enzymatic stress disorder - so this is even more critical guidance for me. Thank you so much for all your deep guidance and assistance for self-autonomy and reaffirmation of choice.
So glad you found it helpful. Hopefully some of those options can help you manage your nervous system.
Sorry for your loss. The pain created by these men and women is beyond this world. I was maarried to the devil for 17 years. I had broken bones, survived cancer on mÿ own, all while he had affairs.
Without trust between two people, the best you can get is nothing. Trust may be regained. But it’s not easy on either of the parties.
I don’t even know how to trust anymore. Now when I love someone, I simply enjoy it then say “Bye! Have a good day!” and let go immediately. If they return, then we’ll share. But trust? I trust no one and definitely no religion, no friend, I do trust myself now.
It’s when the person isn’t remorseful and understands that he chose to move in with you because he was moving 3,000 miles away with his lover who was living in his condo while he rented a bedroom in a house for you to sleep over at. I had my own house which is where he left ALL his stuff when he drove off to the house his “Boss” had bough th 3,000 miles away that they had flown to so she could buy them a home to move to. That what gets me is the premeditated calculated way he ruined a two year intimate relationship we were. In 😮😢. 😡 He has never once apologized to me even though we’ve spoken a few times. Obviously he isn’t a good person. It’s sad there are so many wolves in sheep’s clothing waiting for Little Red Riding Hood to devour. I think potential lovers’s need to be vetted even if it’s just a friend you pay to follow him for a few days and see what he is doing when you are not together.
His life sounds fabulous! Lol
I think it’s better not to trust, leave the man to do his thing, you to live your life as you please and not be an available lover. Trust no one but yourself and God as you personally understand Him. Trust no religion, no friend.
Isn't the betrayal which we experienced in adult life based on betrayal we have experienced from one or two caregiver in childhood? And it can be just healed by going back to this betrayed child within us?
We just want to be dead I think
I’m so sorry you feel this way. I’m currently forming a betrayed partners group. Maybe it would help to put yourself around some support?
@@KristinSnowdenHow can I show my wife the group? I want her to heal.
I betrayed her.
It makes u hate life....how can ppl be so evil
@emmanuelolamide5548 go to Kristinsnowden.com and click on on live workshops.
@@EnzoIsabella it's like finding out the world is actually a bad bad place all around - and not the other way round. this means losing hope. But, in my good moments, I can tell myself, these people hurt us not because they woke up one morning and said to themselves 'this is a good day to crash some lifes and hurt some people!'. They are not Hitler. They dont do this because the are just pure evil and like to torture other human beings. Most of the people are just WEAK. And in being so, they hurt people all around them because they dont have the inner strength to DO THE RIGHT THING.
Of course you dont have to accept this. There is a difference between being WEAK and becoming a WEAKLING because of that. I dont blame people for being weak, we all are, kind of. But I dont condone the behaviour where they use this as an excuse for hurting other people just to feel better and not taking any responsability for their actions. If someone is an adult yet not taking any accountability, he is not evil, he is just deeply immature. But he COULD be better. He could evolve. I dont condone the weaklings behaviour of like 'resting on their laurels' of 'but I am just so weak...' I'd say: Stop that. Stop with the excuses. Do better, 100 percent.
This mindset helps me. I wouldnt get mad at erratic actions of young and dumb teenagers either. Everyone who is willing to hurt me like that out of pure self-centeredness and without one percent of self-reflection is not better than these kids. And I cant take them more seriously than that.
I grew up with trauma so all I attract is traumatic circumstances. I have begun shadow work, I want change and healing to happen from within. It is a painful process but I have a lot of negative emotions that need to be confronted and integrated. I wish I had of known this 30 years ago, I could have stopped the cycle. Instead I've been blaming everyone except myself. My wife got herself pregnant to another man while we were still married. I keep forgetting that life is not perfect and I need to appreciate what little I have and to be grateful because some people have nothing.
About 30 years ago, something traumatic with infidelity happened to me, but still, it comes to my mind. Still, the betray comes to my mind from time to time.
THAT, I understand completely. I’ll be doing great, go to sleep and up pop the dreams of life and betrayal from YEARS ago and I have to relive the whole danged thing. That’s really hard. PTSD.
I just found your site. I cried all the way through it
Yay. Let the Healing Begin!!
Does being dumped in an orphanage at 4 years old by your parents qualify as betrayal trauma? And then being threatened, they'd take you back if you were naughty?
🙏🏾💚
Oh God, yes. Please be at peace now and love yourself with all the gentleness and fun within you. Re-create a beautiful, safe childhood by creating a beautiful, safe haven for yourself and treating yourself well! ❤
The spirit of abandonment is so strong. Meditation daily is the best way to let it all go and be at peace.
Interesting i realize ty...story I tell myself is ill be poor, I'll be homeless. My mother narcissistic abuse, kicked me out often as a teen now I'm no contact the fam at 44 years old. But being single, a slow day, or hiccup at work. All brings back feelings of being helpless w no home or money.
What about the trauma of a sexless marriage. He would lie and lie and say we would get help we would see a therapist. Emotional abuse. Emotional neglect. And no physical love. 20 years. So last year I met someone was with them for a month. It ended for so many reasons. We had agreed on an open marriage, my husband agreed. This was a mistake. We are angry.
We both feel
Betrayed. I am experiencing depression and anxiety. He is an avoidant and has been for years. Being ignored has changed my brain I also have high anxiety. I don’t know if we can make it. I feel powerless. He is so angry and is annoyed that I have depression. This is not the first time I have had depression. Every time I wanted to leave I would fall into depression he would say yes we will get help, “ I will get help he would say” I will see a sex therapist. Then nothing. I feel like I won’t be able to return to myself again. Life has been tough. It’s hard to get out of bed. He finally has a therapist. He says he’s doing great. Well he doesn’t have depression or anxiety. I feel like I have been kidnapped and I have no control of my life. I am so sad.
I feel abandoned. Like I said he is an “avoidant” he will go to the computer and just work. Sometimes I will get a hug. But I don’t know if he can change and push through his wall. I have not felt validated even though we both have apologized to each a million time. I don’t feel safe. We are intertwined. Our children we have This whole life. I feel hopeless. How can we both heal? I feel needy and weird. I have anxious attachment. I just want us to heal our childhood wounds. Again I do not feel safe. How do I join your group for betrayal?
So why did you go back to him?
Maybe it’s time to take a break😢
The world tells a lie that it's women who don't want sex. The shame and rejection are so painful. Your husband could be on the autism spectrum. This pattern you described is very common in neurodiverse marriages. Of course, I can't possibly know your situation, but it might be worth investigating.
It's not horrible being on your own. I was so afraid to lose everything but realized it wasn't good for our family. Things are really good now and I am growing. Would never go back
I developed my response ……dead bedroom is a MUST and never ever have sex with the “ husband” EVER …..I feel much much better knowing he has no ACCESS whatsoever …..if he does NOT LIKE IT HE NEEDS TO DIVORCE AND PAY ME TO GO AWAY .
That is not healthy and you know it.
@@inchristalone25 …it is in my situation . 🤷🏻♀️
@@user-jw1bl4hq9j why not divorce then?
He had betrayed you? You were hurt badly. I think you’re a wise woman, if he misused you. If there are children involved, I hope they see civility and affection between you though. If no children involved though, live your life.
Many marriages that have not gone well, solved the problems by twin beds. Then separate bedrooms. It works for some who think they can’t make it financially in our terrible economy. Living together separately. I’ve known couples who do that successfully and then if circumstances have to change, they’re ready for the divorce settlements. Why move out of your home?
YOU are an extraordinary TEACHER & SO HELPFUL & Humble 💝 So Im super GRATEFUL to have found you 🙏 What a GEM , please keep doing these because I just subscribed and its perfect timing...THANK YOU THANK YOU ✨️✨️✨️
Great! Already have about 70 videos on my channel. So there’s a lot of content available. Always working on more, too!
@@KristinSnowden Wonderful, Thanks so much 🙏 💝
Good stuff, but I wish you included more examples from other kinds of relationships. I need more on betrayal in sibling relationships.
Dr Jennifer Freyd has books and podcasts on family betrayal trauma.
I was a stupid (sorry) Jehovah’s Witness who disagreed with a doctrine and got disfellowshipped and shunned. My JW brother has never spoken to me again. He must and DOES think of me as “dead”. He abandoned me. I know how you feel. I still love my big brother. It still hurts. 😢
Yea I can't beleive this is my life.
Sat at a family wedding last night at same table with ex bf who pulled a 22 shot gun on me at 23 yrs old. Well I'm 61 and would have nightmares every few years that we were stil together up until about 10 years ago.
Also our family is not close and selfishness, emotional abuse. Gaslighting was rampant growing up. I'm now at this age totally isolated and have tried soooo many modalities to release whatever has plagued me forever. I can't believe I can feel such love for people with whom I feel and have always felt so uncomfortable with. Just a very strange negative vibe on holidays which we dont even have anymore. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing as I dont even celebrate holidays anymore . This level of hopelessness is so bad .
And Migraines have severely limited my QOL, I should say ability to have a life
Try magnesium.
Tylenol PM
Seriously, I feel for you. The nightmares where you still relive it, I have those too. It’s like you can’t get away from yourself yet they are the ones who hurt you! I know. My therapist called it PTSD. It’s like an innocent going to war and they don’t really know why. Then they fight to stay alive! Then come home and think, “What just happened?”
Good stuff,I like the idea of a free support group for healing betrayal trauma.
There’s both free and low cost options. I have small groups. There are 12 step groups and groups on sexandrelationshiphealing.com
@KristinSnowden thank you for sharing that resource. 🦋
Phenomenal video. This is one of the best I’ve heard in a long time. Thank you so much for sharing.
So happy to hear. My channel and website have a ton of content that will hopefully be helpful to you.
I have to get over this BS in order to thrive this lifetime.
My problem is forgetting about techniques that help calm system. 😢 I get so overwhelmed I get caught up vs think of a distraction.
Make something a daily practice when you are calm.
Yes! This is me too.
I've read so much. Listened to so much. Watched so much. I feel like I have the info. But something keeps me from being able to put it all into practice somehow.
Thank you so much Dr. Snowden, I’m taking your advice to heart, God knows I needed to hear this message. Thank you 🙏🏼 again
You nailed it thank you! I feel better to hear you point this out to me.
Never, ever give anyone 100 percent trust
Don't tell them you're doing this. You do this to protect yourself
Stephen Porges is, sortoff-kinda one of the inventors-creators of the polyvagal theory. He gives lots of amazing talks in podcasts in yt, i wonder why you did not mention that? I see you have written it here above in info, it's good to tell so people can find more info about it. I so relate with what so many people write here....
Hi. He is the creator of this model. I credit him in the description and on my handout but I agree I could have mentioned him in more detail in this particular video. I mention him often when listening to trauma treatment options.
Who is he? What is that about?
@@christinesotelo7655 you can type his name her in yt, you'll find plenty of how he talks about the healing, such a kind wise man
_5:20__ hi....the creator of the theory is Justin Sunseri my friend!_
Watching your video. I was in two back to back marriage's end both were bad but the second one almost killed me and may yet. It's like she got pleasure out of hurting me and I loved her too much. She divorced me after 10 years of constant abuse in 2007 and I'm still not well. My body and mind have paid the ultimate price. You are so right about everything. I don't have anyone who understands. I was doing better but the last several weeks I have been contemplating putting my head in that shell forever. Don't know how much longer I can take it. Like John Lennon said in 'Yer Blues' I feel so suicidal, even hate my Rock-N-Roll. Yes I am a songwriter and musician. Give me just one more day....
Please go and do some trauma therapy with a great counseler
Please hold on. Don’t give up. I’m so empathetic I’d feel it too. I’ve been there. Please live. 😢
@@christinesotelo7655 thank you. You have the heart of an Angel. You don't know how much your kindness helped me. I will try to make it one day at a time. And I won't forget you. I have always been very empathetic also. Thank you again! ❤️
So sorry to hear your story, I've been in alot of relationships and never found true love until I prayed to Jesus and he answered my prayers not straight away but I know in my spirit he was there and showed me the light out of those dark thoughts, he is waiting for you to love you like no one in this world can ,don't listen to those dark thoughts they are not from him ,this is not religious but his spirit he is for you and will come to your rescue like no other !sending you hope for your future ❤
This is my life
😅 het mijne ook ❤ denk nu aan jezelf
Get out NOW! Save yourself.
This all was so right on, I was totally there, still going through some if this still ,but each day is a new day of moving forward with counseling not just for me but couple therapy.
I have accepted that my partner won’t listen to my work, yet she has not accepted that I will not listen to her social trouble? So what is empathy to whom?
Thank you I'm so glad I found you today. I've been looping for years. 2 years ago when my mom died I was spinning out of control I tried therapy and that was the worst thing that ever happened why don't the therapist that are covered by insurance able to help.
Can you help me
It ruins your life. You struggle.
Yes. Then you get up and feel a bit stronger. I think the hardest thing to face is the emotions of Grief! Because grief has so many levels to it. You’ve suffered loss. You’ll grieve and that hurts. Some days I’ll think I’m over grief. Then up pops anger. Then I’ll soothe that down, then I’ll cry for no reason. Then I’ll really be doing well but up pops the whole thing to revisit in nightmares! So, I go out and get a life. One thing I know for sure: life goes on. It WILL heal.
Im going down crazy town as you say
Yes, I feel so detached, DV situation I just left in January
Good for you! Ya doing ok?
I was abused by my x wife and I was poisioned with rat poision half of my brain was black from coagulation blood also my heart needed 4 new valves. I have recovered to a point . But I have issues where I say things out loud like oh well! And you know how they are. Or I say I Gotta be!. Or I'll say I'm out of here!. This happens in the morning 🌄 and when I get tired. I'm so lonely 🙁 I have been alone for 13 years. My family still abuses me calls me names teases me and they get angry at me for no reason. I want to recover and stop shouting out . I cannot stop it and it's uncontrollable, because how I'm treated by my family. HOW CAN I GET WELL AND STOP SHOUTING OUT UNCONTROLLABE THINGS? I pray 🙏 I focus on God. I forgive my family abusers. But I feel terrible inside I can't get over Rejection and feeling I bad because I am called moron retarded stupid . And I am teased and made fun of. So I Hide and stay to myself. I need to get well. Proably get away from my family. Several years ago I thought about killing myself to get away from my family and all of thier abuse. I read my Bible and I pray but I am still bothered by my family. How do I get over this ?😢
Please pray for me. It feels like I'm physically dying
I’m with you. I feel it. Chronic pain (from accident alone saving old family home) family ultimately dismissed denied made me pay.. and all of the associated traumas. Including medical trauma. My heart goes out to you. I wish my mom were still alive. Bully boys are scary and deadly:( I never would have thought it possible. ❤
There is no betrayal but only of self without knowing you are doing so if someone is betraying you outside of you is cause you betraying yourself inwardly. No one can betray you if you don’t start doing so first.
@KristinSnowden What about moving on from a therapist who betrayed you? I knew her for 6 years (with sexual stuff involved) and she was like a superhero to me. 25 years old than I but eventually she realized I had caught on to her and turned on me and then lied to the cops about me to protect her career. I’ve never been the same. Can’t even feel sexual attraction anymore
At last - you explain it so well!
Now I've a clue as to how to make some steps to move through this.
But please 🙏 I can't find the self help menu on your web site 🙏
Thankyou so very much for this insightful helpful gift
trust is a lie you tell yourself
fact is that betrayal happens in almost every relationship you ever have. what is the worth of trust in others? what does it add to your life but shock, pain, distrust in oneself, damage etc.
ugh this is so specific and helpful
Everything your describing here I've expertly my life. It came from the physical and sexual abuI experienced in my childhood. My father and my mother are where I experienced the most devastating betrayal trauma. Relationships with partners have been secondary.
Excellent video
It’s crazy and it grieves me
You have a new subscriber gorgeous ;D. Wise women dont grow on trees, informativ video!
Can betrayal be emotional (long term gaslighting, manipulation, devaluation) without any definite sexual betrayal by partner… I think so. The covert emotional abuse is so awful.
Best explanation of relationship trauma!
In the 80s, My son's father beat me the whole time I was pregnant. I was only 17... But then I had to deal with his abuse for 18 years of weekly visitation ... Then men were making fun of My tiny AA breast size... and that was it... I stopped dating 15 years ago. I don't ever want to take my shirt off in front of a man ever again
It's all about proportion for some men. Big breasts generally look fake or just fat. I don't get the obsession. Legs...that I do get.
Now you are free. You put in your time. Live a happy life as you please.
Thank you I completely related !
You're welcome!
Thank you so much, I’ve been getting worse and worse and i’m physically hurting. I have rsd as well. Ty ty ty
Wouldn’t the retelling of what happen cause more trauma? What if you don’t get the validation from others that you expected.
Telling it to someone who will judge you or without “containment” (ie without a therapist guiding you and helping you down regulate and stabilize while reviewing trauma) can make it worse or more likely it’ll cause things to surface that your nervous system feels unable to stabilize or manage.
Yes. I have talked to therapists who didn’t have a clue, for example, about trauma that came from rigid religion. I ended up feeling worse because I couldn’t make them interested enough to be with me on my level as I retold the trauma. To tell your most painful moments, it’s like having to have a good labor coach while you’re giving birth. It’s that difficult, but if you’ve gotten the right help, it feels so wonderful to have been coached through it and you feel free of the weight and pain! ❤
I do know that for me, if I talk about betrayal, I sweat and feel kind of faint. I have to have something with me that brings up my blood sugar level. It’s very physical.
How to distinguish between own delusions and reality? Was each deal validated against reality alone and combined with other expectations? Assuming monogamy is an expectation in fulfilling partnerships yet, over half switch partner so is it a valid assumption when reality/statistics says otherwise? So it is hope or control, despite reality, for a persons own emotions? It is a fallacy to believe maintaining an invulnerable mindset can protect you? Accept reality and move on? Also woke people truly believe malice when they feel hurt? Unable to accept that other people may have other ToMs goals desire’s? So my wife moves out, bc she can’t accept autistic me, question: who is the victim? As Lisa Feldman says, in some cultures anxiety is handled by sleeping during daytime? When is an attack warented - if it makes an other person unsafe. Yes, cluster Bs are extreme, but are men in general?
I see now, evidently I wasn't the lone ranger.
Thanks for sharing this Dr my partner cheated on me and Never apologised she just likes her drink
Where can a person go to get help to get it out?
There are a lot of betrayed partner groups. I have some from my website KristinSnowden.com. Sexandrelationshiphealing.com and WeTonglen.com have options as well.
@KristinSnowden thank you for sharing resources. 🦋
What if you still have the people in your life and are constantly being betrayed and triggered?
What happens if you switch between the 2 states you've mentioned up and down😢 feel like I've got double the work to be done in myself and around this trauma😢
Thank you for this vid..
Prayer s changes things
In how many more the brain splits if it’s multiple people? I mean I can barely function at this point.. I been betrayal by pretty much everyone in my life except my childrens.. but, mother, family betrayed for money, ex husband, and friends even my most trusted ones.. it’s been almost 3 years now but, I still have my body come back to anxiety and panic shock daily.. then I get so drained, I can’t even move or function.
One door closes another door opens hasn’t been true for me.
Thank u for recognizing betrayal in Live Wrecks u. I have loved a Handful of men Very Deeply & I Truly wanted a long lasting full deep relationship. Every One of them let me know I was u worthy of partnership/long term love. That sh*t deeply wrecks u. As a middle age single mom I am Do e w/men. I wanted so
Thing deep But no more. Can not depend on love or men.
My gut instinct is telling me constantly that my partner is cheating/sleeping with someone else. I don’t know what to do, she has lied to me over a minor thing before, but I don’t know if she would go so far as to cheat.. :/
If it is sexless, I would follow your gut. But after that I dunno. I guess just start looking for someone else. Cheaters will Never admit, so no point confronting. You have to stand up for your self, or your doomed, shes not worth it trust me, shes already dont like you, and you cant change that. But if you stay, don't expect things to change, they'll just get worse. Is that really how your suppost to feel in a relationship? No, but you see red flags, and asking what to do? I say run buddy, this shit destroyed my life, theres better people out there for you
Listen to yourself over her is my advice, no relationship is worth invalidating your own intuition and instinct. Trust me, I learnt the hard way by ignoring the external red flags, and my own inner knowing, I even had dreams telling me the truth, which I ignored. The truth, although painful is so much better than continuing to believe a lie.A liar doesn't know how to be honest with themselves or others, be sure not to be caught out by believing them over yourself.
@@zoejukes7028 you make a lot of sense and tbh i agree with you. There has been too many times where she has blatantly disrespected me, never admitted to cheating but my gut feeling is too strong. Day 2 of no contact, shes currently blocked everywhere and now trying my emails. I’m moving forward, thanks for your advice bud
@@jimd4609 i appreciate you taking time out to give me advice. I agree with you and am on day 2 of no contact. I am moving forward, not looking for someone else because i do love her but she is a narcassist and manipulates me a lot so I guess her love is a facade. Thanks for taking time out bud
Hire a private detective for proof or do your own snooping. If true, file for divorce and heal before starting a new relationship. Rebound relationships are a recipe for disaster.
My generational curse can end with me
That’s right! For me, it was an “advocate” imposing the generational trauma by and through the abuse of power. I can only laugh, the irony is so absurd.
I thought that too until husband cheated like both our fathers, deserted kids like both our fathers. Now 18 years post divorce, just found out my son had molested his two sisters as children, another son molested his other brother and has cheated on his wife with multiple affairs.
@CM-sy3to so sorry to hear this It is more common than you think abusers need to be exposed
Some people are doing it tough because of these people Hard facts need courage to except and deal with But it's strange how the victims have to get help Not perpetrators They need it more than us So they don't reafend Anything so they don't afend again
I'm an alienated single elder of a narristic daughter. I am not guilty of her gaslighting and lies, but I did raise this monster, so am guilty of doing something wrong.
I slam myself for mistakes I made in dealing with betrayals. I feel guilty if my adult children go through any unpleasant things at all. I don’t think we are to blame. We all did the best we could. And most of the thinking we must’ve made some mistake is not true. It’s just a feeling. Because we don’t want to see them go through what we may have gone through. But life finds a way. It’s life.
Alanon has been so helpful for me 😊😊😊
My betrayal was with everyone I knew
I find that I can understand you. cheers
Great info... Thank you!
All my experience, they were doing this to me on purpose for that very reason
Love this ❤
Thank you
First of all what is betrayal trauma? that would help to know
How do you turn 60 years to more positive life I've been doing it but don't know when this nightmare ends
The nightmares may not end. But the wide-awake joyful living begins.
@christinesotelo7655 Thankyou Christine
@christinesotelo7655 I needed to hear that it makes it all worth it A little joy
This is me but how do I get over this?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. But most of my channel is devoted to helping betrayed partners heal. I also have several small live works developed for healing.
Not partner, my family, sisters, friends, i feel like everybody hates me for some reason! 🎉
They have the addictions