The joy of understanding DA's and these patterns is that you can just smile and wave goodbey immediately when encountering or meeting one in the real world. And then live happily ever after 😂 But seriously in friendship, relationships and life...to have emotionally unavailable people around you. It's the most sad thing you can do to yourself. Invest in yourself, you deserve more. Be strong if you are stuck in the sad shadow of a DA 💛💛💛
Its really sad when they are sometimes really amazing people but unfortunately they see even minor things about us as irritating and they do not see the positive. It took me two months to figure what happened all that while I was blaming myself being a AP currently from a former secure self .
Alls I know is when it comes to DAs, it's their problem, not yours. You could be the most perfect partner in the world for them BUT their DA issues will have them withdrawing whenever you two get close. If you really want to get them back, YOU have to jump through so many hoops to cater to THEIR DA issues. Just ask yourself, is this worth it?
Exactly. A DA is such a textbook case of conditional love. Just try to calmly express a need to them and poof - there goes the love! Not worth the trouble.
Absolutely ! ! No hate, just no point, unless they decide they are worth investing in. Sad, but true. Makes me glad I'm 'just' an AP, and have so many more skills to work with. I probably wouldn't have survived a DA life.
And the hoops change all the time. My DA partner is constantly hot and cold and ghosting me. I feel like I'm responsible for our entire relationship, it is very exhausting
Definitely assume they are never coming back... because they probably won't. An unhealthy DA will will repress the hell out of anything they felt for another person and really only look out for themselves. Its how they have "survived." This is a recipe for being alone forever.
The 8 STAGES : 1) Relief 2) Become curious and wonder 3) Fear of missing the person 4) Push the feeling back down 5) Figh between feeling back down and up 6) I wish this and that 7) Hurt and alone 8) [didnt really understand]
@@Hami2h93 it basically means to just try to block feelings and feel nothing. Which is just sad to me. Numb means without feelings of sensation. Like when the dentist gives you a injection to "numb" your gums to lessen pain. Life is made to feel.
@@tucky3191 From expérience they do, they can even come back but they will first try to be your friend and not wanting a relationship, if you reject them they will become anxious, but if you accept them they will deactivate. For a DA to comeback you must be a special relationship becayse u will become his/her phantom ex, and with no contact and time the DA always idéalise the past relationship that felt special for them
My ex is definitely a dismissive and fearful avoident. These types can turn a secure person extremely anxious all the time. These people are not worth your health to try to fix and put up with the hot cold emotional abuse. These individuals are toxic especially in a romantic relationship. They are users and abusers. Move on stay no contact and you will thrive again.
@@ryanpwm Thais actually said the narcissists are predominantly AP's and FA's and that's been my experience too. DA's coping mechanisms like shutting down and being primarily focused on themselves can seem like it's stonewalling or being selfish like narcissists, but DA's aren't doing it to be hurtful. They're doing it to self sooth.
I'm a FA and my ex is a DA with possibly a little FA. Our dynamic is the hardest I've ever had to deal with. We are super loving and caring towards each other when we're together, but our communication sucks. My anxious side comes out with him and I hold it all in until it ALL comes out at once. I then go avoidant and then we go silent for a few months and the cycle starts all over again without addressing what happened...until it happens again. I remember a couple of years ago he said that whenever we have an issue, let's have good long talks always, but the very first time I brought something up, he took it the wrong way and completely missed my point. In the end, I ended up being the one who apologized! 😆 This has happened a few times now. He admits that he can't handle other people's emotions because it makes him shut down, which I get but why come back to a woman who you perceive as emotional? I was friends with him for over 20 years before we started this rollercoaster. Before this last break I offered a friendship if that's what makes him more comfortable. But again, he took what I said as I need more space and said he was confused and we'll just see each other when we see each other. I honestly didn't even have it in me to break it down and explain what I meant. The most hurtful thing is that I adore him as a friend and vice versa and everytime we split, I miss him so much. I think if we're going to have any type of friendship left, we should probably stop trying to date each other.
Got ghosted. Today marks 1 month since I started No Contact. I don't cry myself to sleep every night anymore but I hope that in 1 more month, I'll have really moved on. It just hurt me so badly because I trusted him to be straightforward and transparent with me. And he shattered that trust. I don't have a grudge against him and I wished him well in my last message but "pain always insists on being felt" (C.S. Lewis).
3+ months post break up from my DA ex....i supported his all his needs, and he vilified me for it and hates me. He can be in the relief stage for the rest of his life if he chooses to hurt people instead of communicate in healthy ways.
My thing it’s hard to decipher if someone is DA, Narcissistic, Full blown NPD, and / or emotional unavailable. Either way it goes it’s not our responsibility to carry somebody else’s toxicity and immaturity. It’s not our responsibility to put up with one sided relationships, and bare minimum effort. I rather be alone and single than to deal with that mess 24/7/365. I’ll also add I naturally went no contact nearly two weeks ago after the other person stop responding. I am over the disappearing acts and silent treatments from a nearly 34 year old grown man. Bye ✌🏽 and good riddance.
Interesting the stages a DA goes through with no contact. It really comes down to if they actually liked u, they will reach out again. If not, then they don't.
My DA experience I ended long term with: 1) relief 2) anger & compartmentalization 3) deactivate & binge distraction 4) Loneliness 5) Distraction & binge dating 6) Repeat
Thais, thank you, as always for your amazing content. When I started watching your videos (about 2 years ago) I was AP leaning, now I'm leaning Secure with a little mix of the rest. To all the commentators, I think it's important to remember that most people are not 100% DA, FA, PA or Secure, they are a mix, so the way they react to no contact will be different in each case depending on their specific mix and the relationship you shared with them. Always put yourself first and work on your own issues instead of focusing on what the other person may or may not do. Assuming they aren't coming back makes moving on less painful. And if they do end up reaching out and wanting to try again, you definitely want to see if they have changed or done any work on themselves. If not, it's just going to be a vicious circle. Trust me.. I've been there.
I am 50% secure, 33% FA and 17% DA, I found this out by doing no contact after being ghosted from a 18 year long distant relationship that was wonderful for me minus the intimate communication I wanted. That need for communication triggered me, it triggered him into feeling criticized and now here we are. I must say I have learned so much about myself and this break up is the reason.
I need out. But I’m 62 and leaving makes me have to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Even if I did find a partner, I wouldn’t want to introduce another person into my family. I’m rather introverted and don’t have many friends and the ones I do are in strong close marriages. Their mates are the best friends and they spend most of their time together. So I will be very much alone. This makes me sad and want to give up. We have been together for 11 years and lived together for 7. My heart is utterly broken. He doesn’t want to break up. He just wants to ignore me forever.
I wasted 27 yrs with a person who didn’t truly love me. I finally left and thought I found the love of my life. I was wrong. I left him 2 months ago. I’m heartbroken. I am now 50. I’ve had a couple men approach me but because of the work I’ve done, I can quickly identify someone who won’t work for me because of my standards and boundaries. I will likely spend much of the rest of my life alone. I refuse to try online dating. Too many horror stories. It’s a scary reality but I’ve come to accept it. BUT I’m going to explore a new city in just a couple weeks. I have a beautiful network of friends who love me. I have my family. Even if I have no one, have myself. This long winded reply is to say- LIVE my lady. Don’t waste precious years being unhappy. You can be unhappy but FREE to do whatever the F@&k you want! Choose YOU. Much love my lady- you can do it. 🙏
@@kimb.4400 having friends and family makes everything hopeful. I have my children and grandchildren but they are in the busiest times of their lives. Grandchildren teens and busy. I have no other family. Very close to oldest son but he lives in another state and is working hard. I can visit but just for a few days at a time and I don’t want to be a burden. It’s hard to make friends when I’m rather introverted and the political climates have interrupted many long term friendships due to radicalism. But I feel lost. I have one good friend who is dating online and it’s a nightmare. I’m not interested either. Good luck to you. You have 10 good years on me and believe me, at this age 10 years is a lot!
@@marthamonrreal6756 I would be just as miserable without him plus without insurance. I think I am going to spend a month or two in San Miguel Mexico this summer but have to figure out how to bring my dog.
I'm 50 and I can see how the older you get the more it hurts, but this is just a painful story you are telling to yourself. I know people that has found the love of their life at their 70s and they're very happy. You are never to old for love and it's never too late. Just move on and look in the right place
I’m just in a period of no contact now with mine. I think the world of her, but it’s just very sad that you can give so much in so many ways but the bit that’s important the emotional aspect just never comes back. It always feels like there’s something missing and it eats you up in the end. I hope some DA’s do manage to go on to seek the help to unlock more emotionally fulfilling relationships.
These people are emotional parasites. They take and drain from everyone in their lives and then abandon them. They can’t show up for anyone. It’s sad really.
Im around 6 months of NC with what I think is my DA ex, I stopped counting the days its pointless, I just focus on myself, improved alot...I dont think she will ever contact me again but at this point I dont care. It's hard to maintain a relationship with this kind of person, I manage to be 5 years with her but it exhausted me.
@Sometimescloudy yeah they operate in a weird way, when me and my ex split i told her to remove me from FB friends if she is not planning on returning back (we split because we both needed work on ourselfs) I told her im not gonna look for anyone else and focus just on improving my mental state and when im ready ill reach out...when i finally did she told me she doesnt feel anything for me anymore (altho when we met up it was clear she still did) and doesnt want to get back, few times she mentioned being friends but quicky turned back on that idea. Nevertheless I know she will never connect with anyone like she did with me...its a pity because now for me its no turning back. I only keep the best memory of her in my mind and only memory, if i notice her on the street i will turn the other way not even look at her.
Just over 2 months here, I ended the bull. I needed my self-esteem more than him. I was willing to work on it but the shit behavior with the bonus of even shittier communication (missing my attempts do de-escalate arguments) was futile. Got mad at what he considers my scorched earth policy when I didn’t want to attempt a friendship. I may love him but that’s no excuse to put up with emotional and verbal abuse. By the way the silent treatment is an abusive power trip. I didn’t want to be around to see him phoque someone else over. He’s a DA who is not doing the work. At 43, I was longest relationship at 18 months. Every other relationship, 3 months might be a stretch. I should’ve known my first Valentines Day when he said he’s never had a girlfriend to celebrate as he always gets dumped and my Valentines Day card had nothing written from him just blank like he bought at the store. But I had never heard of a DA at the time. I called it quits the weekend headed into our 2nd Valentines. Now I realize I gave him anxiety by being in a relationship with him. The end he would communicate and meet his flaky friend’s needs better than my loyalty. Next. One week of NC and I defaulted back to happy. Geez 🙄
@@tracytimoteo I have to say I feel you and I know the BS of which you speak; she had far too many partners and never took any responsibility just literally ran away like a child , never again for me nice connecting with a survivor
Needed this. my ex and i just broke up for about the 4th or 5th time in a year. he is dismissive when it comes to any conflict and emotional conversations. if any disagreement turned into an argument or was handled less than perfect, i could pretty much bet his next move was breaking up with me. he would completely shut off, like he literally couldnt handle any conflict. we just had a conversation on the phone how it would be best to not speak, in order to end the cycle of breakups & makeups. i cried and he showed little to no emotion and agreed. However, i know once he has had the space to breathe he does start to miss the good times. everytime we break up, after a while he will send me a song or picture that reminds him of me and it draws me back in. part of me wonders if he only agreed to no contact, casually like he always does, because he is in that phase where he absolutely needs the relief...and he will be back like always. but part of me wonders if this time is it for good. i never know, which is why its so hard for me to give him the space. always worried its the last time ill ever hear from him. and because he is so dismissive it usually makes me feel like im to blame for pushing him away.
It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells, and if someone is breaking up with you five times in one year, this relationship sounds unhealthy, and definitely not good for your self-esteem. It also sounds like you’re putting his needs before yours. You are not responsible for his behavior, don’t let his actions dictate your self-worth. You don’t have to prove yourself to him. Focus on yourself, and healing.
@@SK-no2pp completely agree. these videos help soothe my anxiety and give me a little more understanding. its so hard not letting let this ruin my self worth, especially when they show no emotion through the most painful parts. but understanding that it isnt personal and its more of a reflection of him, helps alot.
@@adoptioncorner1984 it really is. but everytime my ex came back he told me how depressed he was without me. unfortunately, they dont face that truth when pushing u away. all they want in that moment is relief and space and to feel less trapped. i know he will miss me, no matter how hard he tries to suppress it. he keeps himself very busy with work, is always watching tv or playing video games or doing ANYthing he can to drown out his thoughts. he lost his mother at a young age, so he has really mastered tuning out his feelings.. sucks that im on the recieving end of it. but i know its not about me. or you, all we did was try to love them the best way we knew how at that time.
I have the same with my ex gf … every feedback is an attack … and every time she is ready to leave and she is not sure anymore if the relationship is what she wants …
Can you please make videos on childhood bullying and anxious preoccupied attachment style? I always think people are laughing at me or talking about me, and I end up having social anxiety and stay in my dorm the whole day. This has significantly affected my mental health.
I empathize. What helped me was the following reflection: people are so self-absorbed they aren't really paying attention to you. They are, themselves, wondering if they look okay and if they're being judged. So, chill down because no one's really paying you any mind.
Once heard that if you feel rejected then you are rejecting yourself. Love everything about yourself and work on your self esteem. In order to love you then you have to know you. Make a list about your characteristics. Know thyself. Once you define You. Love You. Then you can go out into the world confidently not caring really what anyone thinks of you because their opinion doesn’t count. Opinions are like A$$holes. Everyone has them and the one that matters the most is your own!! Be your own best friend not your enemy. No one is going to give you cudos for being hard on yourself. ❤️. This comes from years of experience doll. In my 50’s I finally do not GAF about what anyone really thinks of me. But I am sweet and loving too. Good luck. Be your beautiful self love. Get out there and enjoy life. You can do this.
I’m dating a dismissive avoidant.. 2nd time round with the same woman.. 1st time was 12 years ago.. we’ve been back together 12 months but I noticed avoidant behaviours 3 months after our reconnection.. I have only recently understood attachment theory and it has helped me navigate this nightmare. I tried sharing a video with her so we could understand our relationship better but that seemed to have pushed her away even more .. silly me.. every time she pulls back, I pull back.. who wants to live like this?
I went for a 2nd round after 3 years. Worst decision ever. I hope you can get out of that situation soon. I don't wish anyone feel the same I did and end having a trauma.
I may possibly be in a similar situation in the near future. But the DA already knows that if she wants to come back, we'll restart by having a deeper conversation about boundaries, needs, etc. I kept giving but not getting much. Next time it needs to be balanced. If she wants to come back and built this together to be better, then great, happy to give it a try. I'm so much more secure myself these days that I'm OK trying. But coming back to the same old pattern won't be an option. We both need to grow.
DA's are mentally and emotionally draining to be with... my heart goes out to you... I left my DA almost a year ago... I have never felt better and my mental health has drastically improved! I sleep better, feel better and really enjoying my life! I'm honestly grateful and happy I left! He came back about 5 months post break up, I turned him away and chose myself! Easily one of the best decisions of my life!! Now I'm focusing on myself and I love it! I can't tell you what to do but you need to ask yourself what's best for you and if you can take another 5 year's of the relationship pain you feel now... is it good for your mental health? Would she truly change? If not... I would leave tbh Wishing you the best and hey, keep your head up.
I’m sorry, it’s a horrible painful way to live! My experience triggered my father abandonment issues and a depression/ substance abuse relapse. I hope you find your healing🖤
youre amazing! going through a breakup now with a DA i broke it up for my mental safety... i miss them but i dont want to go back....i have panic and anxiety attacks each time i think about her.... i am currently doing subliminal white sounds to get better its working but not very much.. i am also doing walking for 2hrs
@@shebutter3195 Take it a day at a time... try doing stuff you like i started going to the gym and swimming also night walks together with meditation... it has gotten me better... we passed each other the other day, we did not talk to each other she looked down i just looked at her and walked on by i did not feel anything! Thats how i knew i had healed
Wow! Not only are they impossible to connect with, have a real loving bond and relationship. For a lot, or most, or all of them, have an addiction problem. Mine is an alcoholic! So if by some miracle they face their issues through therapy. They still have issues beyond being an avoidant. You can’t build a life with them or have any hope of a life with them. Run!!!
Mine is a "guru", a "healer" and a therapist in therapy herself. Pretends to be "Love embodied", but is a manipulative narcissistic bitch incapable of love. My heart is shattered, and I wish her all the worst. I still keep wondering whether I did anything wrong, although I realize that DAs are simply impossible.
The stages that a DA goes through makes me wonder if NC is really affective. The rationalization of why they don't need the relationship would be dominant. But if they are feeling the need for space your contact may make them resentful. Kinda like a can't win for losing situation.
They will definitely be resentful if you don't grant them space. They will feel you're impeding upon their boundaries and independence. As this video points out, the space and time they need can be significant. It's often weeks or months. And timing in regards to reaching out to them can be critical. The feelings of not needing the relationship are deactivating strategies. It's what they tell themselves when in their fearful state. As their fear resides, and they start to feel again, they may regret walking away from the relationship and they may feel shame for the things they said and how they acted.
I never really broke up with the DA but she forced me into no contact a few days after we decided we're in a committed relationship, literally told me not to text her because she is under stressful circumstances. I guess this is more of a ghosting rather than no contact. It's been several weeks since we last talked. We haven't really known each other very long, a few months in total. Since we haven't really broken up, I'm guessing she probably didn't go through the first phase of relief. But maybe she is missing me or reconsidering our relationship at some point. Idk. It's been the longest few weeks for me. I'm using this time to work on myself to become more of a secure person.
@@Emmanuel-lp8ll I became more secure during the process and she continued being her weird self. This is a weird thing to say but my life is now surrounded with a lot higher quality girls and she definitely gave me a boost toward this. I don't really miss her anymore.
It would be great to know a bit how to deal with social media with a dismissive avoidant while doing no contact. If they still follow you, should you keep them from seeing your stories to actually make them even more curious what you‘re up to and miss you even more or will them seeing what you‘re up to actually make them miss you more because they might see what they‘re missing out on and that you‘re doing fine without them.
Exactly what I'm wondering right now! I chose a middle ground: I am totally wondering if I should a. just let them see everything so they can miss me more? or b. let them see nothing so they can miss me more? Thais says it could take up to 3 months, or longer, before "no contact" has any effect on DAs. So that tends to make me think the less they can see you on social media, the better. Let us know if you figure this out! ;-)
As someone who just went through a breakup with one & not getting any contact with them for almost 2 wks bc they stonewalled me & broke up with me for trying to literally talk things out, my “tactic” is going to be: unfollow them. Make them unfollow me. And MOVE ON forever.
Miss you less because they see your story and that makes them more secure. You are their "stuff" and they are controlling you. Than they do not have to reach to you. Go no contact and block them. You are not a person to them....
My DA broke up with me but said she still loved me and that I didn't do anything wrong. And we talked more and ended on good terms. Imo blocking her or restricting her from seeing stories is just intentionally inflicting pain. Even IF it contributes toward a reconciliation, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that.
My ex ex was the biggest DA ever. She came back after 1 year .She actually travelled from another country here . A friend she had here told me "she came here for u"
These videos have helped me a lot. Adds another layer of understanding from a difficult partner, that i could have been handling wrong... but it may be my now new understanding of what may not work for me. time will show me. thank you dear!
Can you do a video where you describe each attachment style slowly, and explaining the acronyms before using them. I like your content but I find it a little hard to follow
She has videos explaining each attachment style and how they came to be and what their triggers are. If you go to her website she has a free quiz to find out your attachment style. She’s made a whole lot of free content explaining what they are and how to help. Definitely check her playlist on here!
Look at the earlier videos, or look at the playlists which are separated into each attachment style. AA - anxious attachment style. FA - Fearful avoidant attachment style. DA - Dismissive avoidant attachment style.
After watching a dozen or more of DA videos on this channel, I have come to the conclusion that I am an DA very close to the Secure spectrum. I speak from my heart without fear because I've come to the conclusion that there will ALWAYS be people who will reject or dismiss what you have to say. That said, I have yet to go through any of the things mentioned here when going through a breakup. My hobbies and friendships always help me see things more clearly.
What do you mean by saying what kind of response you get from "no contact." Doesn't going no contact mean a response is impossible? I guess I'm old school and confused.
I had my dad go out of contact for 5 months he always kept me blocked on my number and now I feel like my group of friends that were sweet to me went out of contact for week I feel like everyone is starting to dislike me
Nope. (FA, Dismissive Leaning). It doesn't matter if I initiated no contact or if they did. I never heard from them again. I never reach out to the ones I go no contact with either because once I go no contact with you, I want nothing more to do with you and have made peace with that fact before doing so.
@@cheytacpraetoriancomposite3413 Haha, that too. I kind of forgot there were some pretty unhealthy DA's still out there. Kind of shows how far I've come in the healing process. Thanks for that. :)
@@thelightinclarity I healed aswell and i no longer want to hear from my ex...now I healed and tought myself the most important lesson, to be at peace with the one you see in the mirror and to be comfortable with yourself by yourself.
@@cheytacpraetoriancomposite3413 Amen to that and likewise! I completely agree with that lesson and sentiment. If one isn't happy with the person looking back at them in the mirror, then what's the point?
I am curious how long these stages usually last for long relationships prior to break-up and how to tell what stage a DA may be in. Lastly, if a couple breaks up but remains corgial, when is the best stage to potentially rekindle with a DA who ISNT doing the work yet?
@@SK-no2pp Spelling mishap! Thanks! DOING the work would have to be a discussion and a stipulation if the relationship was to move forward romantically. I was just curious about the best timeline in general to even bring this subject up openly as far as what stage may be best for this to be discussed.
Hi im secure attachment I only discovered my ex was DA after we broke up .... we grew very close quickly .. she started to share and be vulnerable with me ... Then out of the blue "i only want to be friends" she said .... i had too much of romantic connection to remain only friends ... im about 95% healed now .... 6 months into no contact ... She said In her words "i was the best thing thats happened to her and her daughter i bought her calm, stability and order " We even talked about blended families I Discovered last week im blocked on WhatsApp.... even though i never contacted her.... Thoughts anyone ❤
A negative action usually means, she's missing you and doesn't know how to deal with it. Trying to get a reaction from you. Often they don't block you, just remove the picture of the WhatsApp to see if you care and react. On that stage, you can wait longer and see and see if feelings develop and she ends up coming up with a healthy conversation, but best is to work to move on. Having hopes on something you have no power of influence, is just painful. I'm in a similar situation and I really see you
@@raquelrpj thank you .... yes im moving on ... most days i dont think about her.... then some days like today i remember what we talked about .... blended families and how she said " i was her best friend and that theres not one person walking that suits her better. So im going to live my best life .... carry throught the things we planned. If she reaches out ... she reaches out ... but im not waiting ... Lovely chatting with you Raquel
So basically there's no hope a DA will get back with you after they break up with you? Or no contact just doesn't work on them? That seems ike a pretty hopeless attachment style.
That’s exactly how it is. They might think of you but they don’t want to do the job to get back together, nor be with you. So while they think about it they just feel free and comfortable and they love that more than being with a person.
I withdrew from a DA cuz i felt her issues. Not to get a positive plus for myself. Though now i feel it was the right thing for both. Also were neighbors.but i see you say theyre in their own pain. I don't want that fir them.
When a dismissive avoidant monkey branches into a new relationship and then ends the current relationship, does the DA ever process the end of the current relationship at all?
If you were to reach out to a DA, at what point in this cycle should you reach out if you're hoping for a response? Is the DA ever gonna reach out again of their own volition if you were friends for years before this happened? What if they said they thought both parties needed a break and yet you haven't heard from them in 4+ months and counting?
in my unprofessional opinion, since they initiated the break, i'd recommend respecting that wish, and allow them to reach out when they choose. if they really want to talk to you, they'll reach out. if you were to reach out to them first, it could be viewed, by them, as an intrusion.
@@adamwood87 I agree, it's difficult not to contact them esp if you are an AP, i know it took me a lot of effort. My DA reached out 3 months after NC although they told me they would block me if i contact them and other nasty things. when they reached out, I understood that they were in the exact same place (had deactivated) and only started to process their feelings while I was far into therapy and healing. they cut off the communication again. to be honest, I'm tired of this, of "I need space", I can't communicate with you now blablabla BS BS my therapists said they won't give me what I need, a stable calm relationship! it's hard but do yourself a favor, evaluate what you want vs what they want and if it's a mismatch, there is no point to contacting them
Agree with poster above me. 2 months. I had to initiate again but he seemed different and ready to connect again. I think by then he was in step 7. I had one years ago that I reached out at the 6 month mark and he just picked up like normal and didn't realize it had been half a year since we last talked. 🤦♀
How does DA react to "GHOSTING" (where a person's decision to stop participating and go no contact was not communicated)... and what are the stages a DA will experience in that type of condition?
By ghosting them ur creating space and they will access their emotion cuz they will not be afraid of you being needy. They will experience anxiety and act as AP, but the second you will return into them they will deactivate.
@@Hami2h93can confirm. Broke up with DA ex. Rather amicably. No contact straight away from my side, she messaged next day with some emotional stuff. I said it’s best we don’t talk to move on. She calls me 2 weeks later, I didn’t answer but messaged the next day. Bit of back and forth, she felt I was sending her mixed messages, fair enough. Says it was all for the best anyway, then says it’s best we don’t talk, as she wants to move on. So she came back (maybe because I ended things) then disappeared and turned cold again. Hope this helps. She was a full DA, no question btw
First, thank you for your videos 💜 All of the content is so valuable💜🙏🏼 My ex and I were friends for years before we embarked on an almost year long relationship. I care about him deeply and want to be in his life. How long should I go no contact after I feel like I’ve healed to be his friend at a distance?
I really missed him its been more than 2 month i cant move on but i really want to and he isn't coming back he didn't reach me during these months. Kindda upset
Do they go through these stages when they have already started dating just weeks post breakup? Why would they get into a relationship so quickly when they admitedly know they have this DA pattern of behavior rather than work to become securely attached?
Does the DA go through all these stages when it's the DA who initiated the No Contact (called "needing som space right now - I will come back to you later")?
No they don't, because this way they think they can always come back to you, so fear of loosing you never comes. What actually happens is that they try to find out if they'll miss you, but because they got relieved of their fears they conclude they don't. I wouldn't accept this situation. It isn't fair to you and what you expect will never happen like this.
@@mailill I recommend you to ask for your needs, always respecting their boundaries of course. But if your needs can't be met now, not maybe in an uncertain future, or they saw no desire to work to meet them, move away. It's fair to need space, but you have your right for closeness, and if you don't get it there, the best is to look somewhere else. Asking for your needs it's a powerful step to take towards self love. Don't be scared. You deserve it
@@mailill I'm a FA leaning DA, but my AP side gets really activated when I date DA. Because I don't like that of myself, when they deactivate, I really repress myself from chasing, but stay waiting on a frozen mode. I've really hurt myself by doing that. Everytime they come back, they do colder and more critical, less vulnerable. They slowly deconstruct the connection until they take it to coma. That's a very painful process to stay watching, the sooner you get out and work on yourself the better for both. Thais says she sees DA working on themselves. I've never seen that myself. Not even from the last one, who said that he liked me a lot and wanting to work on it. But if there's any chance that they question their dynamics is by actually feeling the pain of loosing you. ,
I broke my contact after 36 days with my DA ex bf I send him an apology text and thanked him for everything he responded after an hour later and told me "Don't blame yourself it's ok I apologize as well and thank you for the good memories " I dk what to do? did i mess up my chances of getting him back
Oh, fuck, no, don't. I'm two months in and having fantasies about her perhaps appreciating what we had. To get a response of "Oh, yeah, right, you existed - well, cool, thanks, bye." would be too much. Although... perhaps that would be a relief from constantly hoping and fighting in my mind about how she might miss me perhaps 1/10th of how I miss her (despite the horror that she is - I am probably just too much of a romantic, even as a FA).
Unlike the majority of the people in the comments here, I want my untreated ADHD DA back. So can you give some ideas for time lines for each of these stages?
Thank you so much for these videos, they’ve been a lifesaver for me and are so helpful!!! I’ve been dealing with my highly suspected DA long distance for a little over 2 years. Both times I’ve flown out to see him he disconnected while I was there and goes ghost as soon as I get home. I saw him almost a month ago and now it appears we’re in no contact again. I give him his space, I’m not needy. Even physically I’m not trying to overwhelm him. His birthday is in a week. Would it be a bad idea to reach out with a simple Happy Birthday text or should I just leave him alone? I’m not sure if that would push him away further.
I feel sorry for you. There's no harm in wishing someone happy birthday even if they don't reply you know you did what you did to care, even if they didn't. I hope you find someone more receptive and loving for you and closer to you.
@@liliaaaaaaaa thank you!!! I did and he said thank you. I only reached out once more in January to send condolences for the death of his grandparent. He didn’t reply. Then I made the decision to never reach out to him again and move on. It’s been a difficult process but I feel so much better! Thank you for your kind comment!!
I'm so sorry I just saw your comment. He has reached out! During this time I decided to focus on myself and meet new people. He's slowly coming around, finally able to explain his behaviors and why. He's understanding himself I believe. I'll leave the door open but I'm still just trying to be a better version of myself. He isn't my whole world anymore 😊
Please answer this, I really need it Thais. Are these stages affected if you reach out to them for 1-2 months? Longest I’ve been away from him is 27 days and then he gave a little subtle sign of indirectly reaching out. Would it be affected? I spoke to him 5 days ago because I was hospitalised and he cared but he didn’t say he wanted the relationship back at all, and said my feelings were one sided. PLEASE HELP. in any way this is hurting a lot,
Dear, this message hurts, and this might be not the answer you need, but you've been hospitalized and your biggest concern is that you broke the no contact, so he won't get through the stages of missing you. Please make yourself this question. Is a person, that makes you feel so bad about yourself, when you reach out because you are being hospitalized worth your feelings? Did he visit you? Is he checking your recovery? Please do yourself a favor, forgive yourself for reaching out and turn into connections that are happy that you do ❤️
What if your DA goes into a rebound relationship? We have been together for 10 yrs. Separated for 2yrs. Got back together for 10 months and then he lefted again. I'm here for him well I'm working on myself now.
she broke up with me and when i reach out we had a fight but in the end we agreed to be freinds and forgive each other ( im not sur she did ) and see how things gonna be but it went to no contact . so i really wanna kn should i wait and see or there is a way to get her back or should i move on . give me an advice please . thank u
Question to my case: my ex broke up with me one month ago after a big fight and i immediatly went no contact. Before we broke up it was my birthday and he planned a day for us but he didnt go through with it and then we broke up. Two weeks ago after we broke up he called me to have closure and then said i f i still have some of his stuff i should tell him so he can come and pick them up but the next day we got into a fight after i asked him if the break up really is a good idea and then i went no contact again. I send him his stuff via delivery and since then he is been talking about my "gift" a Spa day and i should pick a day. I dont know what to think of it since we broke up once in 2020 and we got back together cause he wanted to see me to give me my gift he owed me since we didnt see each other cause of corona. Anyway now i dont know what to do cause i dont feel secure enough and emotionally stable to see him again and do a spa day. Any Suggestion?
@@madlen3015 I would let the person know you are open to possibly getting together but you wanna take things very slowly and see how it works. But if you’re not into it at all, then say goodbye or I need time to heal, I’ll reach out to you if I feel like. You’re the prize and in the drivers seat, you control your life.
I heard there is a nostalgia phase where once they reminisce the good memories if there were any they do actually try to come back but by then you probably don’t want them back
Often times I feel like this videos tend to justify cheating. I really dont care if someone is DA, FA, or whatever. If you are in a commited relationship there is no justification for cheating.
Does this apply to when the DA chooses to do no contact? It's been 8 months since my DA broke up w me and he seems to have started no contact 1 month ago. Is this how it works? Do you think he's avoiding me and my social media because it brings up emotions?
My Da is at the stage where she disappeared off social media, and I'm getting restricted calls once or twice a week. Any idea what I could say to her when she calls maybe to spark interest?
As a DA I'd like to clarify some things: 1. The presumption that DA's don't care because their emotional bandwidth is low is a misconception. Emotions are there, but identifying and articulating them is very difficult. 2. DA's care for people in ways that are often overlooked or taken for granted. We work our asses off not because we love work, but we find it meaningful to provide for others, which is also why we're very generous. We mainly show affection through physical affection, and acts of service, because these are easier to articulate than verbal communication of emotions that are hard to express. 3. We are hyper rational. We express anger because when a friend, spouse, or significant other expresses emotional turmoil we interpret that as our failure to understand and resolve the cause of the emotion. If we're accused of being the cause because of our lack of emotional expression, we have no ability to understand how to resolve this. Fundamentally, we have alot of internal empathy, but it's difficult to express. 4. Because we view the world from an objective, rational view it's painful to be perceived as uncaring or insensitive when those we care for take for granted or just can't see the things we do that really does express concern and care, just not in traditional or emotional ways. People are ignorant that the heart of a DA is benevolent, that we show love through Action, not through emotional expression. 5. When we give advice to emotional people, they get hurt by it, even when our intentions is to attempt to solve the problem. We don't see emotional validation as a solution to an emotions cause, and technically, it ISNT, but because emotional people don't possess the fortitude or ability to solve the causes of their own emotions, they believe validation of their feelings is validation of them. To a DA, this approach is useless. We are pragmatic, competent, intelligent, and often dominant individuals who know how to solve external problems in the real world. We are leaders, and decisive in solving a plethora of real world problems. We cannot understand why people seek emotional validation but refuse to address the cause of their emotional turmoil, other than we perceive they're incapable of solving the cause of their emotions for the most part. While a feeler wonders why a DA isn't more emotionally attuned, present, and validating, the DA wonders why so many people are governed by constant emotions, neediness, and perpetual slavery to emotions those same people often appear incompetent in addressing the root causes therein. If you believe a more emotional person is a better fit for you than a rational person with limited emotional bandwidth, then I say go for it. However, there will be pros and cons. Emotional people are rarely leaders. They're rarely able to solve external problems, they're byproducts of perpetual feelings. So if you want a shoulder to cry on, while having fewer provisions, protection, and solidity, go for it. In my experience, the only thing feelings produce are more feelings, and if you believe that your worth is validated by someone who listens to your feelings, then know that you will always be disappointed, because though you seek some sort of holy grail of worth, I can tell you now; You will never find it in another human being, whether they're a rational or emotional person, because the emotional security you seek can never be fulfilled with more emotions. Your value is either innate and given by God, or you're worthless. If you believe you're worthless, then nobody can stop you, or proove to you otherwise, no matter how many times they listen to you weep.
"When we give advice to emotional people, they get hurt by it, even when our intentions is to attempt to solve the problem." - this is not a DA thing, you are just an asshole. most people come to friends and lovers for support and understanding not solutions. DAs comprehend the need to be understood a lot more than other attachment styles, actually. It's cute you wrote a long paragraph about what a great partner you are by being competed and pragmatic, that's not what people who confide in you are looking for and you are just being inconsiderate. Let me explain: Your friend had a really shitty day because she locked herself out of her apartment, and had to wait for a locksmith for an hour and therefore was late to an important meeting at work. As she tells you this story, you chime in with "well, you should always check if you have your keys before you leave the house" While, technically good advice, you are not being helpful. Here's something for your to read: philandmaude.com/how-listening-without-giving-advice-is-good-for-your-relationships/ PS. Truly, no one cares about your intelligence, dominance or what you do for work.
Just wanted to thank you for point 5. I could see the DA I've been confused by writing this near verbatim and it helps clarify for me why he hits a "does not compute" point in some conversations, though he seems to really appreciate the emotional validation I give him. He has a high status/high stress career (not screen based), which encourages him to relegate/discount emotional expression even further beyond his natural attachment tendencies. I'm [earned] secure and don't need a ton of validation, but the part tripping me up is that ANY closeness results in dead silence/deactivation for a much longer time period than the actual interaction causing it. I could manage more purely surface/light interactions if he could just manage to show up physically in a more consistent manner.
She’s said typically the relief lasts 2 weeks, the indifference lasts another 2-4 weeks or so, the missing typically starts at 6 weeks but can vary (anywhere 4 weeks in to 3 months in usually)
@@Em-so1le Month four of break up and month three no contact and I still haven't heard from her. I'm not expecting to and I know its really over. I just miss her sometimes.
@@perspicacity89 it’s normal to miss someone you love and care about. Been there. Make sure you don’t add suffering to the pain by ruminating, blaming, or making stories. I know these videos and the courses have helped me tremendously with different aspects. But I’m sorry you’re going through that. Maybe things will end up working out or maybe they won’t but I hope you come out stronger and happy
The joy of understanding DA's and these patterns is that you can just smile and wave goodbey immediately when encountering or meeting one in the real world. And then live happily ever after 😂
But seriously in friendship, relationships and life...to have emotionally unavailable people around you. It's the most sad thing you can do to yourself. Invest in yourself, you deserve more.
Be strong if you are stuck in the sad shadow of a DA 💛💛💛
Its really sad when they are sometimes really amazing people but unfortunately they see even minor things about us as irritating and they do not see the positive. It took me two months to figure what happened all that while I was blaming myself being a AP currently from a former secure self .
@ManuB3581 they make you feel do insecure when you aren't an insecure person to begin with. It's crazy the power they have over ppl.
Alls I know is when it comes to DAs, it's their problem, not yours. You could be the most perfect partner in the world for them BUT their DA issues will have them withdrawing whenever you two get close. If you really want to get them back, YOU have to jump through so many hoops to cater to THEIR DA issues. Just ask yourself, is this worth it?
Exactly. A DA is such a textbook case of conditional love. Just try to calmly express a need to them and poof - there goes the love! Not worth the trouble.
Absolutely ! ! No hate, just no point, unless they decide they are worth investing in. Sad, but true. Makes me glad I'm 'just' an AP, and have so many more skills to work with. I probably wouldn't have survived a DA life.
@@kristineauxbennett535 Me too!
And the hoops change all the time. My DA partner is constantly hot and cold and ghosting me. I feel like I'm responsible for our entire relationship, it is very exhausting
No it's not worth it.
There’s a saying that comes to mind….”don’t wrestle in the mud with a pig. you’ll both get dirty and the pig likes it”
I need to get this tattooed 😂😂😂
Also: “Don't try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.”
Or: don't try to play chess with a pigeon, it will crap on the board, knock down all of the pieces and strut away victorious...
@@TheCoffeeCat LOL!😂🤣That was hilarious!
@@mailill Gold 😂
I'm so glad I'm not with my DA anymore.
I will always care about her, but it was a nightmare to be with her.
Definitely assume they are never coming back... because they probably won't. An unhealthy DA will will repress the hell out of anything they felt for another person and really only look out for themselves. Its how they have "survived." This is a recipe for being alone forever.
Run, run, run away and never look back.
The 8 STAGES :
1) Relief
2) Become curious and wonder
3) Fear of missing the person
4) Push the feeling back down
5) Figh between feeling back down and up
6) I wish this and that
7) Hurt and alone
8) [didnt really understand]
8) Go back into a state of numbness
@@itsaplantlife9850 what does it mean in a relationship? im not english thats why i didnt understand well
@@Hami2h93 it basically means to just try to block feelings and feel nothing. Which is just sad to me. Numb means without feelings of sensation. Like when the dentist gives you a injection to "numb" your gums to lessen pain. Life is made to feel.
So do they ever ACTUALLY miss the person or nah?
@@tucky3191 From expérience they do, they can even come back but they will first try to be your friend and not wanting a relationship, if you reject them they will become anxious, but if you accept them they will deactivate. For a DA to comeback you must be a special relationship becayse u will become his/her phantom ex, and with no contact and time the DA always idéalise the past relationship that felt special for them
My ex is definitely a dismissive and fearful avoident. These types can turn a secure person extremely anxious all the time. These people are not worth your health to try to fix and put up with the hot cold emotional abuse. These individuals are toxic especially in a romantic relationship. They are users and abusers. Move on stay no contact and you will thrive again.
not always but many are narcissists. I sorta nudged my ex into therapy on a second try and it basically came out that she has ASPD.
@@ryanpwm Thais actually said the narcissists are predominantly AP's and FA's and that's been my experience too. DA's coping mechanisms like shutting down and being primarily focused on themselves can seem like it's stonewalling or being selfish like narcissists, but DA's aren't doing it to be hurtful. They're doing it to self sooth.
I'm a FA and my ex is a DA with possibly a little FA. Our dynamic is the hardest I've ever had to deal with. We are super loving and caring towards each other when we're together, but our communication sucks. My anxious side comes out with him and I hold it all in until it ALL comes out at once. I then go avoidant and then we go silent for a few months and the cycle starts all over again without addressing what happened...until it happens again. I remember a couple of years ago he said that whenever we have an issue, let's have good long talks always, but the very first time I brought something up, he took it the wrong way and completely missed my point. In the end, I ended up being the one who apologized! 😆 This has happened a few times now. He admits that he can't handle other people's emotions because it makes him shut down, which I get but why come back to a woman who you perceive as emotional? I was friends with him for over 20 years before we started this rollercoaster. Before this last break I offered a friendship if that's what makes him more comfortable. But again, he took what I said as I need more space and said he was confused and we'll just see each other when we see each other. I honestly didn't even have it in me to break it down and explain what I meant. The most hurtful thing is that I adore him as a friend and vice versa and everytime we split, I miss him so much. I think if we're going to have any type of friendship left, we should probably stop trying to date each other.
Got ghosted. Today marks 1 month since I started No Contact. I don't cry myself to sleep every night anymore but I hope that in 1 more month, I'll have really moved on. It just hurt me so badly because I trusted him to be straightforward and transparent with me. And he shattered that trust. I don't have a grudge against him and I wished him well in my last message but "pain always insists on being felt" (C.S. Lewis).
I pray God gives you the healing you desire. It gets better. God is a mighty healer.
3+ months post break up from my DA ex....i supported his all his needs, and he vilified me for it and hates me. He can be in the relief stage for the rest of his life if he chooses to hurt people instead of communicate in healthy ways.
Utimately, you either walk away or become dismissive yourself.
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
My thing it’s hard to decipher if someone is DA, Narcissistic, Full blown NPD, and / or emotional unavailable. Either way it goes it’s not our responsibility to carry somebody else’s toxicity and immaturity. It’s not our responsibility to put up with one sided relationships, and bare minimum effort. I rather be alone and single than to deal with that mess 24/7/365.
I’ll also add I naturally went no contact nearly two weeks ago after the other person stop responding. I am over the disappearing acts and silent treatments from a nearly 34 year old grown man. Bye ✌🏽 and good riddance.
isn’t there a nostalgia phase? man DAs are something else LMAO
The only thing I learned from dating a DA was how to run faster!! Beware.
Interesting the stages a DA goes through with no contact. It really comes down to if they actually liked u, they will reach out again. If not, then they don't.
So true
…Or if they think they can use you to meet their needs…while still having no intention of ever committing…
My DA experience I ended long term with:
1) relief
2) anger & compartmentalization
3) deactivate & binge distraction
4) Loneliness
5) Distraction & binge dating
6) Repeat
What a sad existence. 🙈 If that’s what they are going through I hope they find healing. 😢
They're so pathetic...
My DA experience I ended -
1 relief
2 sadness
4 constant distraction
5 a fwb 😳
6 sadness / reaching out
7 blocked.
@@robynkirby173 how long did it take for each to happen?
This tracks, every DA I've encountered, either cheated or immediately was in a rebound.
Thais, thank you, as always for your amazing content. When I started watching your videos (about 2 years ago) I was AP leaning, now I'm leaning Secure with a little mix of the rest. To all the commentators, I think it's important to remember that most people are not 100% DA, FA, PA or Secure, they are a mix, so the way they react to no contact will be different in each case depending on their specific mix and the relationship you shared with them. Always put yourself first and work on your own issues instead of focusing on what the other person may or may not do. Assuming they aren't coming back makes moving on less painful. And if they do end up reaching out and wanting to try again, you definitely want to see if they have changed or done any work on themselves. If not, it's just going to be a vicious circle. Trust me.. I've been there.
I am 50% secure, 33% FA and 17% DA, I found this out by doing no contact after being ghosted from a 18 year long distant relationship that was wonderful for me minus the intimate communication I wanted. That need for communication triggered me, it triggered him into feeling criticized and now here we are. I must say I have learned so much about myself and this break up is the reason.
I need out. But I’m
62 and leaving makes me have to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Even if I did find a partner, I wouldn’t want to introduce another person into my family. I’m rather introverted and don’t have many friends and the ones I do are in strong close marriages. Their mates are the best friends and they spend most of their time together. So I will be very much alone. This makes me sad and want to give up. We have been together for 11 years and lived together for 7. My heart is utterly broken. He doesn’t want to break up. He just wants to ignore me forever.
I wasted 27 yrs with a person who didn’t truly love me. I finally left and thought I found the love of my life. I was wrong. I left him 2 months ago. I’m heartbroken. I am now 50. I’ve had a couple men approach me but because of the work I’ve done, I can quickly identify someone who won’t work for me because of my standards and boundaries. I will likely spend much of the rest of my life alone. I refuse to try online dating. Too many horror stories. It’s a scary reality but I’ve come to accept it. BUT I’m going to explore a new city in just a couple weeks. I have a beautiful network of friends who love me. I have my family. Even if I have no one, have myself. This long winded reply is to say- LIVE my lady. Don’t waste precious years being unhappy. You can be unhappy but FREE to do whatever the F@&k you want! Choose YOU. Much love my lady- you can do it. 🙏
Yes life is way to short to spend it being miserable.
@@kimb.4400 having friends and family makes everything hopeful. I have my children and grandchildren but they are in the busiest times of their lives. Grandchildren teens and busy. I have no other family. Very close to oldest son but he lives in another state and is working hard. I can visit but just for a few days at a time and I don’t want to be a burden. It’s hard to make friends when I’m rather introverted and the political climates have interrupted many long term friendships due to radicalism. But I feel lost. I have one good friend who is dating online and it’s a nightmare. I’m not interested either. Good luck to you. You have 10 good years on me and believe me, at this age 10 years is a lot!
@@marthamonrreal6756 I would be just as miserable without him plus without insurance. I think I am going to spend a month or two in San Miguel Mexico this summer but have to figure out how to bring my dog.
I'm 50 and I can see how the older you get the more it hurts, but this is just a painful story you are telling to yourself. I know people that has found the love of their life at their 70s and they're very happy.
You are never to old for love and it's never too late.
Just move on and look in the right place
I’m just in a period of no contact now with mine. I think the world of her, but it’s just very sad that you can give so much in so many ways but the bit that’s important the emotional aspect just never comes back. It always feels like there’s something missing and it eats you up in the end. I hope some DA’s do manage to go on to seek the help to unlock more emotionally fulfilling relationships.
These people are emotional parasites. They take and drain from everyone in their lives and then abandon them. They can’t show up for anyone. It’s sad really.
Yea just awful awful ppl
Im around 6 months of NC with what I think is my DA ex, I stopped counting the days its pointless, I just focus on myself, improved alot...I dont think she will ever contact me again but at this point I dont care. It's hard to maintain a relationship with this kind of person, I manage to be 5 years with her but it exhausted me.
you sound like me !! same almost exactly
@Sometimescloudy yeah they operate in a weird way, when me and my ex split i told her to remove me from FB friends if she is not planning on returning back (we split because we both needed work on ourselfs) I told her im not gonna look for anyone else and focus just on improving my mental state and when im ready ill reach out...when i finally did she told me she doesnt feel anything for me anymore (altho when we met up it was clear she still did) and doesnt want to get back, few times she mentioned being friends but quicky turned back on that idea. Nevertheless I know she will never connect with anyone like she did with me...its a pity because now for me its no turning back. I only keep the best memory of her in my mind and only memory, if i notice her on the street i will turn the other way not even look at her.
Just over 2 months here, I ended the bull. I needed my self-esteem more than him. I was willing to work on it but the shit behavior with the bonus of even shittier communication (missing my attempts do de-escalate arguments) was futile. Got mad at what he considers my scorched earth policy when I didn’t want to attempt a friendship. I may love him but that’s no excuse to put up with emotional and verbal abuse. By the way the silent treatment is an abusive power trip. I didn’t want to be around to see him phoque someone else over.
He’s a DA who is not doing the work. At 43, I was longest relationship at 18 months. Every other relationship, 3 months might be a stretch. I should’ve known my first Valentines Day when he said he’s never had a girlfriend to celebrate as he always gets dumped and my Valentines Day card had nothing written from him just blank like he bought at the store. But I had never heard of a DA at the time. I called it quits the weekend headed into our 2nd Valentines. Now I realize I gave him anxiety by being in a relationship with him. The end he would communicate and meet his flaky friend’s needs better than my loyalty. Next. One week of NC and I defaulted back to happy. Geez 🙄
@@tracytimoteo I have to say I feel you and I know the BS of which you speak; she had far too many partners and never took any responsibility just literally ran away like a child , never again for me nice connecting with a survivor
This exactly my situation... i feel you
Needed this. my ex and i just broke up for about the 4th or 5th time in a year. he is dismissive when it comes to any conflict and emotional conversations. if any disagreement turned into an argument or was handled less than perfect, i could pretty much bet his next move was breaking up with me. he would completely shut off, like he literally couldnt handle any conflict.
we just had a conversation on the phone how it would be best to not speak, in order to end the cycle of breakups & makeups. i cried and he showed little to no emotion and agreed. However, i know once he has had the space to breathe he does start to miss the good times. everytime we break up, after a while he will send me a song or picture that reminds him of me and it draws me back in. part of me wonders if he only agreed to no contact, casually like he always does, because he is in that phase where he absolutely needs the relief...and he will be back like always. but part of me wonders if this time is it for good. i never know, which is why its so hard for me to give him the space. always worried its the last time ill ever hear from him. and because he is so dismissive it usually makes me feel like im to blame for pushing him away.
It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells, and if someone is breaking up with you five times in one year, this relationship sounds unhealthy, and definitely not good for your self-esteem. It also sounds like you’re putting his needs before yours. You are not responsible for his behavior, don’t let his actions dictate your self-worth. You don’t have to prove yourself to him. Focus on yourself, and healing.
@@SK-no2pp completely agree. these videos help soothe my anxiety and give me a little more understanding. its so hard not letting let this ruin my self worth, especially when they show no emotion through the most painful parts. but understanding that it isnt personal and its more of a reflection of him, helps alot.
@@reymariee it's very hard not to take it personal especially when you showed love and support
@@adoptioncorner1984 it really is. but everytime my ex came back he told me how depressed he was without me. unfortunately, they dont face that truth when pushing u away. all they want in that moment is relief and space and to feel less trapped. i know he will miss me, no matter how hard he tries to suppress it. he keeps himself very busy with work, is always watching tv or playing video games or doing ANYthing he can to drown out his thoughts. he lost his mother at a young age, so he has really mastered tuning out his feelings.. sucks that im on the recieving end of it. but i know its not about me. or you, all we did was try to love them the best way we knew how at that time.
I have the same with my ex gf … every feedback is an attack … and every time she is ready to leave and she is not sure anymore if the relationship is what she wants …
Can you please make videos on childhood bullying and anxious preoccupied attachment style? I always think people are laughing at me or talking about me, and I end up having social anxiety and stay in my dorm the whole day. This has significantly affected my mental health.
I'd love a series of videos on this subject and all the insecure attachment styles.
Hi feeling like people are laughing at you could also be a sign of paranoia from a recreational or prescription drug.
I empathize. What helped me was the following reflection: people are so self-absorbed they aren't really paying attention to you. They are, themselves, wondering if they look okay and if they're being judged. So, chill down because no one's really paying you any mind.
Once heard that if you feel rejected then you are rejecting yourself. Love everything about yourself and work on your self esteem. In order to love you then you have to know you. Make a list about your characteristics. Know thyself. Once you define You. Love You. Then you can go out into the world confidently not caring really what anyone thinks of you because their opinion doesn’t count. Opinions are like A$$holes. Everyone has them and the one that matters the most is your own!!
Be your own best friend not your enemy. No one is going to give you cudos for being hard on yourself. ❤️. This comes from years of experience doll. In my 50’s I finally do not GAF about what anyone really thinks of me. But I am sweet and loving too. Good luck. Be your beautiful self love. Get out there and enjoy life. You can do this.
@@esthervictoreah7380 I don’t use drugs lol
I’m dating a dismissive avoidant.. 2nd time round with the same woman.. 1st time was 12 years ago.. we’ve been back together 12 months but I noticed avoidant behaviours 3 months after our reconnection.. I have only recently understood attachment theory and it has helped me navigate this nightmare. I tried sharing a video with her so we could understand our relationship better but that seemed to have pushed her away even more .. silly me.. every time she pulls back, I pull back.. who wants to live like this?
I went for a 2nd round after 3 years. Worst decision ever. I hope you can get out of that situation soon. I don't wish anyone feel the same I did and end having a trauma.
I may possibly be in a similar situation in the near future. But the DA already knows that if she wants to come back, we'll restart by having a deeper conversation about boundaries, needs, etc. I kept giving but not getting much. Next time it needs to be balanced.
If she wants to come back and built this together to be better, then great, happy to give it a try. I'm so much more secure myself these days that I'm OK trying. But coming back to the same old pattern won't be an option. We both need to grow.
DA's are mentally and emotionally draining to be with... my heart goes out to you... I left my DA almost a year ago... I have never felt better and my mental health has drastically improved! I sleep better, feel better and really enjoying my life! I'm honestly grateful and happy I left! He came back about 5 months post break up, I turned him away and chose myself! Easily one of the best decisions of my life!! Now I'm focusing on myself and I love it!
I can't tell you what to do but you need to ask yourself what's best for you and if you can take another 5 year's of the relationship pain you feel now... is it good for your mental health? Would she truly change? If not... I would leave tbh
Wishing you the best and hey, keep your head up.
Sounds a bit like my situation
I’m sorry, it’s a horrible painful way to live! My experience triggered my father abandonment issues and a depression/ substance abuse relapse. I hope you find your healing🖤
youre amazing! going through a breakup now with a DA i broke it up for my mental safety... i miss them but i dont want to go back....i have panic and anxiety attacks each time i think about her.... i am currently doing subliminal white sounds to get better its working but not very much.. i am also doing walking for 2hrs
Going through the same thing with anxiety I think it’s the silent treatment and ghosting triggering my abandonment wounds.
@@shebutter3195 Take it a day at a time... try doing stuff you like i started going to the gym and swimming also night walks together with meditation... it has gotten me better... we passed each other the other day, we did not talk to each other she looked down i just looked at her and walked on by i did not feel anything! Thats how i knew i had healed
Wow! Not only are they impossible to connect with, have a real loving bond and relationship. For a lot, or most, or all of them, have an addiction problem. Mine is an alcoholic! So if by some miracle they face their issues through therapy. They still have issues beyond being an avoidant. You can’t build a life with them or have any hope of a life with them. Run!!!
Mine is a "guru", a "healer" and a therapist in therapy herself. Pretends to be "Love embodied", but is a manipulative narcissistic bitch incapable of love. My heart is shattered, and I wish her all the worst. I still keep wondering whether I did anything wrong, although I realize that DAs are simply impossible.
The stages that a DA goes through makes me wonder if NC is really affective. The rationalization of why they don't need the relationship would be dominant. But if they are feeling the need for space your contact may make them resentful. Kinda like a can't win for losing situation.
They will definitely be resentful if you don't grant them space. They will feel you're impeding upon their boundaries and independence. As this video points out, the space and time they need can be significant. It's often weeks or months. And timing in regards to reaching out to them can be critical. The feelings of not needing the relationship are deactivating strategies. It's what they tell themselves when in their fearful state. As their fear resides, and they start to feel again, they may regret walking away from the relationship and they may feel shame for the things they said and how they acted.
I never really broke up with the DA but she forced me into no contact a few days after we decided we're in a committed relationship, literally told me not to text her because she is under stressful circumstances. I guess this is more of a ghosting rather than no contact. It's been several weeks since we last talked. We haven't really known each other very long, a few months in total.
Since we haven't really broken up, I'm guessing she probably didn't go through the first phase of relief. But maybe she is missing me or reconsidering our relationship at some point. Idk. It's been the longest few weeks for me. I'm using this time to work on myself to become more of a secure person.
I recommend you to a man who can help you manifest whatever and whoever you want to manifest within two days🥰🥰
Whatsaap him"**
What happened?
@@Emmanuel-lp8ll I became more secure during the process and she continued being her weird self. This is a weird thing to say but my life is now surrounded with a lot higher quality girls and she definitely gave me a boost toward this. I don't really miss her anymore.
That's so tough. Went through the same thing. I was left baffled and devastated by his ghosting. I knew he wouldn't come back though
The only thing which seperates humans from animals is empathy.
I have observed Animals too have empathy ❤️ they don’t do things that hurt their owners ❤️
YES!!!!!👏
@@avatokhmehchi3159 😌🙏🏽
It would be great to know a bit how to deal with social media with a dismissive avoidant while doing no contact. If they still follow you, should you keep them from seeing your stories to actually make them even more curious what you‘re up to and miss you even more or will them seeing what you‘re up to actually make them miss you more because they might see what they‘re missing out on and that you‘re doing fine without them.
Exactly what I'm wondering right now! I chose a middle ground: I am totally wondering if I should a. just let them see everything so they can miss me more? or b. let them see nothing so they can miss me more? Thais says it could take up to 3 months, or longer, before "no contact" has any effect on DAs. So that tends to make me think the less they can see you on social media, the better. Let us know if you figure this out! ;-)
As someone who just went through a breakup with one & not getting any contact with them for almost 2 wks bc they stonewalled me & broke up with me for trying to literally talk things out, my “tactic” is going to be: unfollow them. Make them unfollow me. And MOVE ON forever.
Miss you less because they see your story and that makes them more secure. You are their "stuff" and they are controlling you. Than they do not have to reach to you. Go no contact and block them. You are not a person to them....
My DA broke up with me but said she still loved me and that I didn't do anything wrong. And we talked more and ended on good terms.
Imo blocking her or restricting her from seeing stories is just intentionally inflicting pain. Even IF it contributes toward a reconciliation, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that.
My ex ex was the biggest DA ever. She came back after 1 year .She actually travelled from another country here . A friend she had here told me "she came here for u"
Update?
DA’s seem mostly screwed because they are less likely to self reflect properly
What's the timeline for each stage and what is the best time when they are open to reconciliation
I’ve blocked the DA I broke up with from all communication so ‘making amends’ isn’t possible. Not sure if this was a good move on my part.
It was a great move. Move forward and onward!
Best decision.
These videos have helped me a lot. Adds another layer of understanding from a difficult partner, that i could have been handling wrong... but it may be my now new understanding of what may not work for me. time will show me. thank you dear!
Arigato Namaste Thais
I am truly deeply grateful to have met you and your Attachment Style system. Extremely well done G0D Sister. See ya around yeah❤
Can you do a video where you describe each attachment style slowly, and explaining the acronyms before using them. I like your content but I find it a little hard to follow
She has videos explaining each attachment style and how they came to be and what their triggers are. If you go to her website she has a free quiz to find out your attachment style. She’s made a whole lot of free content explaining what they are and how to help. Definitely check her playlist on here!
She has videos like that already. You need to go through the channel
Look at the earlier videos, or look at the playlists which are separated into each attachment style.
AA - anxious attachment style.
FA - Fearful avoidant attachment style.
DA - Dismissive avoidant attachment style.
@@georgieeve2026 AP - Anxious Preoccupied
So it sounds like all of these stages just reinforce them not wanting to talk to you again
What scientist or doctor came up with these stages? This is not backed by any referenced research.
After watching a dozen or more of DA videos on this channel, I have come to the conclusion that I am an DA very close to the Secure spectrum. I speak from my heart without fear because I've come to the conclusion that there will ALWAYS be people who will reject or dismiss what you have to say. That said, I have yet to go through any of the things mentioned here when going through a breakup. My hobbies and friendships always help me see things more clearly.
What do you mean by saying what kind of response you get from "no contact." Doesn't going no contact mean a response is impossible? I guess I'm old school and confused.
I had my dad go out of contact for 5 months he always kept me blocked on my number and now I feel like my group of friends that were sweet to me went out of contact for week I feel like everyone is starting to dislike me
Thank you so much! You talk really fast 🙈😘
So they never reach out, even if they broke up with you after a long relationship?
Nope. (FA, Dismissive Leaning).
It doesn't matter if I initiated no contact or if they did. I never heard from them again. I never reach out to the ones I go no contact with either because once I go no contact with you, I want nothing more to do with you and have made peace with that fact before doing so.
most likely they wont...ego plays a big part there aswell.
@@cheytacpraetoriancomposite3413 Haha, that too. I kind of forgot there were some pretty unhealthy DA's still out there. Kind of shows how far I've come in the healing process. Thanks for that. :)
@@thelightinclarity I healed aswell and i no longer want to hear from my ex...now I healed and tought myself the most important lesson, to be at peace with the one you see in the mirror and to be comfortable with yourself by yourself.
@@cheytacpraetoriancomposite3413 Amen to that and likewise! I completely agree with that lesson and sentiment.
If one isn't happy with the person looking back at them in the mirror, then what's the point?
I am curious how long these stages usually last for long relationships prior to break-up and how to tell what stage a DA may be in. Lastly, if a couple breaks up but remains corgial, when is the best stage to potentially rekindle with a DA who ISNT doing the work yet?
Cordial * and why do you want to reconcile with a DA who is not doing the work? Wouldn’t you end up repeating the cycle.
@@SK-no2pp Spelling mishap! Thanks! DOING the work would have to be a discussion and a stipulation if the relationship was to move forward romantically. I was just curious about the best timeline in general to even bring this subject up openly as far as what stage may be best for this to be discussed.
@@SK-no2pp EXACTLY
The DA did you a favor by discarding you, consider it dodging a bullet. Run....don't walk
My ex DA ... waited a week and got into a relationship
DAs don't think they can change and assume others can't either
Hi im secure attachment
I only discovered my ex was DA after we broke up ....
we grew very close quickly .. she started to share and be vulnerable with me ...
Then out of the blue "i only want to be friends" she said .... i had too much of romantic connection to remain only friends ... im about 95% healed now .... 6 months into no contact ...
She said In her words
"i was the best thing thats happened to her and her daughter i bought her calm, stability and order "
We even talked about blended families
I Discovered last week im blocked on WhatsApp.... even though i never contacted her....
Thoughts anyone ❤
.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Honestly, she more like an FA
A negative action usually means, she's missing you and doesn't know how to deal with it. Trying to get a reaction from you.
Often they don't block you, just remove the picture of the WhatsApp to see if you care and react.
On that stage, you can wait longer and see and see if feelings develop and she ends up coming up with a healthy conversation, but best is to work to move on.
Having hopes on something you have no power of influence, is just painful.
I'm in a similar situation and I really see you
@@raquelrpj thank you .... yes im moving on ... most days i dont think about her.... then some days like today
i remember what we talked about .... blended families and how she said " i was her best friend and that theres not one person walking that suits her better.
So im going to live my best life .... carry throught the things we planned.
If she reaches out ... she reaches out ... but im not waiting ...
Lovely chatting with you Raquel
@@wendyannruns you know im beginning to think so too
So basically there's no hope a DA will get back with you after they break up with you? Or no contact just doesn't work on them? That seems ike a pretty hopeless attachment style.
@Roberto Flores I’m wondering this as well
That’s exactly how it is. They might think of you but they don’t want to do the job to get back together, nor be with you. So while they think about it they just feel free and comfortable and they love that more than being with a person.
Even if they do, they won't change. No e reached out after 11 months and deactivated after a week.
@@theguy4615 he reached out to you after 11 months?
@@GA-rs2ei yes she did. For a week she was affectionate, sexual, and fun. Once she got too close she pulled away again.
I withdrew from a DA cuz i felt her issues. Not to get a positive plus for myself. Though now i feel it was the right thing for both. Also were neighbors.but i see you say theyre in their own pain. I don't want that fir them.
When a dismissive avoidant monkey branches into a new relationship and then ends the current relationship, does the DA ever process the end of the current relationship at all?
You say about grief? I believe they try anyway to avoid grief, as they cannot put themselves in vulnerability.
This is great but i would of liked a timeline.
If you were to reach out to a DA, at what point in this cycle should you reach out if you're hoping for a response? Is the DA ever gonna reach out again of their own volition if you were friends for years before this happened? What if they said they thought both parties needed a break and yet you haven't heard from them in 4+ months and counting?
in my unprofessional opinion, since they initiated the break, i'd recommend respecting that wish, and allow them to reach out when they choose. if they really want to talk to you, they'll reach out. if you were to reach out to them first, it could be viewed, by them, as an intrusion.
@@adamwood87 I agree, it's difficult not to contact them esp if you are an AP, i know it took me a lot of effort. My DA reached out 3 months after NC although they told me they would block me if i contact them and other nasty things. when they reached out, I understood that they were in the exact same place (had deactivated) and only started to process their feelings while I was far into therapy and healing. they cut off the communication again. to be honest, I'm tired of this, of "I need space", I can't communicate with you now blablabla BS BS my therapists said they won't give me what I need, a stable calm relationship! it's hard but do yourself a favor, evaluate what you want vs what they want and if it's a mismatch, there is no point to contacting them
You should wait at least 2 months.
Agree with poster above me. 2 months. I had to initiate again but he seemed different and ready to connect again. I think by then he was in step 7.
I had one years ago that I reached out at the 6 month mark and he just picked up like normal and didn't realize it had been half a year since we last talked. 🤦♀
You've got those mesmerising woman eyes
How does DA react to "GHOSTING" (where a person's decision to stop participating and go no contact was not communicated)... and what are the stages a DA will experience in that type of condition?
By ghosting them ur creating space and they will access their emotion cuz they will not be afraid of you being needy. They will experience anxiety and act as AP, but the second you will return into them they will deactivate.
They will get pissed cause its not about them no more and get anxious
@@Hami2h93can confirm.
Broke up with DA ex. Rather amicably.
No contact straight away from my side, she messaged next day with some emotional stuff. I said it’s best we don’t talk to move on.
She calls me 2 weeks later, I didn’t answer but messaged the next day.
Bit of back and forth, she felt I was sending her mixed messages, fair enough.
Says it was all for the best anyway, then says it’s best we don’t talk, as she wants to move on.
So she came back (maybe because I ended things) then disappeared and turned cold again.
Hope this helps. She was a full DA, no question btw
This is not ghosting, this is self protection. It's necessary. After they've been told all, sane people just need to leave.
Thank you for this question.
Great video
First, thank you for your videos 💜 All of the content is so valuable💜🙏🏼
My ex and I were friends for years before we embarked on an almost year long relationship. I care about him deeply and want to be in his life. How long should I go no contact after I feel like I’ve healed to be his friend at a distance?
I really missed him its been more than 2 month i cant move on but i really want to and he isn't coming back he didn't reach me during these months. Kindda upset
Do they go through these stages when they have already started dating just weeks post breakup? Why would they get into a relationship so quickly when they admitedly know they have this DA pattern of behavior rather than work to become securely attached?
May I ask if you are a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist?
Does the DA go through all these stages when it's the DA who initiated the No Contact (called "needing som space right now - I will come back to you later")?
No they don't, because this way they think they can always come back to you, so fear of loosing you never comes.
What actually happens is that they try to find out if they'll miss you, but because they got relieved of their fears they conclude they don't.
I wouldn't accept this situation. It isn't fair to you and what you expect will never happen like this.
@@raquelrpj Thank you for your input! It's been an on-and-off long distance friendship for many years.
@@mailill I recommend you to ask for your needs, always respecting their boundaries of course. But if your needs can't be met now, not maybe in an uncertain future, or they saw no desire to work to meet them, move away.
It's fair to need space, but you have your right for closeness, and if you don't get it there, the best is to look somewhere else.
Asking for your needs it's a powerful step to take towards self love. Don't be scared. You deserve it
@@raquelrpj Thank you for your kindness. Those are probably very good advice.
@@mailill I'm a FA leaning DA, but my AP side gets really activated when I date DA.
Because I don't like that of myself, when they deactivate, I really repress myself from chasing, but stay waiting on a frozen mode.
I've really hurt myself by doing that. Everytime they come back, they do colder and more critical, less vulnerable. They slowly deconstruct the connection until they take it to coma.
That's a very painful process to stay watching, the sooner you get out and work on yourself the better for both.
Thais says she sees DA working on themselves. I've never seen that myself. Not even from the last one, who said that he liked me a lot and wanting to work on it.
But if there's any chance that they question their dynamics is by actually feeling the pain of loosing you.
,
DAs feel nothing just move on
I broke my contact after 36 days with my DA ex bf I send him an apology text and thanked him for everything he responded after an hour later and told me "Don't blame yourself it's ok I apologize as well and thank you for the good memories " I dk what to do? did i mess up my chances of getting him back
Oh, fuck, no, don't. I'm two months in and having fantasies about her perhaps appreciating what we had. To get a response of "Oh, yeah, right, you existed - well, cool, thanks, bye." would be too much. Although... perhaps that would be a relief from constantly hoping and fighting in my mind about how she might miss me perhaps 1/10th of how I miss her (despite the horror that she is - I am probably just too much of a romantic, even as a FA).
Unlike the majority of the people in the comments here, I want my untreated ADHD DA back. So can you give some ideas for time lines for each of these stages?
Thank you so much for these videos, they’ve been a lifesaver for me and are so helpful!!! I’ve been dealing with my highly suspected DA long distance for a little over 2 years. Both times I’ve flown out to see him he disconnected while I was there and goes ghost as soon as I get home. I saw him almost a month ago and now it appears we’re in no contact again. I give him his space, I’m not needy. Even physically I’m not trying to overwhelm him. His birthday is in a week. Would it be a bad idea to reach out with a simple Happy Birthday text or should I just leave him alone? I’m not sure if that would push him away further.
I feel sorry for you. There's no harm in wishing someone happy birthday even if they don't reply you know you did what you did to care, even if they didn't. I hope you find someone more receptive and loving for you and closer to you.
@@liliaaaaaaaa thank you!!! I did and he said thank you. I only reached out once more in January to send condolences for the death of his grandparent. He didn’t reply. Then I made the decision to never reach out to him again and move on. It’s been a difficult process but I feel so much better! Thank you for your kind comment!!
@@roccomama1has he reached out since?
I'm so sorry I just saw your comment. He has reached out! During this time I decided to focus on myself and meet new people. He's slowly coming around, finally able to explain his behaviors and why. He's understanding himself I believe. I'll leave the door open but I'm still just trying to be a better version of myself. He isn't my whole world anymore 😊
@@roccomama1 good for u!! :) How long before he reached out?
Should I tell her she’s a DA?
none of those are hopeful
What are some questions to ask DA if they return during no contact? To help progress forward?
Progress with a DA? Chances of you regretting it are very high
She has videos on if a DA returns.
Please answer this, I really need it Thais. Are these stages affected if you reach out to them for 1-2 months? Longest I’ve been away from him is 27 days and then he gave a little subtle sign of indirectly reaching out. Would it be affected? I spoke to him 5 days ago because I was hospitalised and he cared but he didn’t say he wanted the relationship back at all, and said my feelings were one sided. PLEASE HELP. in any way this is hurting a lot,
Dear, this message hurts, and this might be not the answer you need, but you've been hospitalized and your biggest concern is that you broke the no contact, so he won't get through the stages of missing you.
Please make yourself this question.
Is a person, that makes you feel so bad about yourself, when you reach out because you are being hospitalized worth your feelings?
Did he visit you? Is he checking your recovery?
Please do yourself a favor, forgive yourself for reaching out and turn into connections that are happy that you do ❤️
What are the time frames in which these happen after the break up?
i see my da at the gym some times does that break no contact?
What if your DA goes into a rebound relationship? We have been together for 10 yrs. Separated for 2yrs. Got back together for 10 months and then he lefted again. I'm here for him well I'm working on myself now.
she broke up with me and when i reach out we had a fight but in the end we agreed to be freinds and forgive each other ( im not sur she did ) and see how things gonna be but it went to no contact . so i really wanna kn should i wait and see or there is a way to get her back or should i move on . give me an advice please . thank u
Starts at 1:56
Question to my case: my ex broke up with me one month ago after a big fight and i immediatly went no contact. Before we broke up it was my birthday and he planned a day for us but he didnt go through with it and then we broke up. Two weeks ago after we broke up he called me to have closure and then said i f i still have some of his stuff i should tell him so he can come and pick them up but the next day we got into a fight after i asked him if the break up really is a good idea and then i went no contact again. I send him his stuff via delivery and since then he is been talking about my "gift" a Spa day and i should pick a day. I dont know what to think of it since we broke up once in 2020 and we got back together cause he wanted to see me to give me my gift he owed me since we didnt see each other cause of corona. Anyway now i dont know what to do cause i dont feel secure enough and emotionally stable to see him again and do a spa day. Any Suggestion?
Agree out of open mindedness but with no expectation. It was your birthday and he should atleast make it up to you.
@@SocialMediaBizTV i told him that im not ready yet and he said ok
@@madlen3015 I would let the person know you are open to possibly getting together but you wanna take things very slowly and see how it works. But if you’re not into it at all, then say goodbye or I need time to heal, I’ll reach out to you if I feel like.
You’re the prize and in the drivers seat, you control your life.
Just my opinion, but you had it right with the no contact. Keep to that so you can move forward, and so he can move forward.
When does a DA start to process the break up? Is it usually 6-8 weeks post break up?
So they're not coming back
I heard there is a nostalgia phase where once they reminisce the good memories if there were any they do actually try to come back but by then you probably don’t want them back
Often times I feel like this videos tend to justify cheating. I really dont care if someone is DA, FA, or whatever. If you are in a commited relationship there is no justification for cheating.
How much time each stage lasts generally??
Does this apply to when the DA chooses to do no contact?
It's been 8 months since my DA broke up w me and he seems to have started no contact 1 month ago. Is this how it works?
Do you think he's avoiding me and my social media because it brings up emotions?
I believe so.
You speak too fast..
What if she vanished because she met another guy? Is there any internal processing of no contact if she’s in a new relationship?
i have the same question for my guy
You can avoid me anytime. 😝😜😂
1st- comment- nicely explained!
You spoke to fast most of your peach, hard to make out some of the time what you were saying.
Please. Talk. Slower....
Whatsaap him"**
You can adjust the playback speed on any video. Super helpful
DAs would break up with Jesus, because of genuine love. It’s not your problem.
All of this piling on DAs and people wonder why they can’t trust people. SHOCKER! You’re only proving them right.
How about all that piling has a reason?
You speak WAY too fast - it's hard to really focus on what you have to say.
My Da is at the stage where she disappeared off social media, and I'm getting restricted calls once or twice a week. Any idea what I could say to her when she calls maybe to spark interest?
Just move on buddy. If she ain’t doing any personal development work, you’re pretty much wasting your time. There’s more to life.
As a DA I'd like to clarify some things:
1. The presumption that DA's don't care because their emotional bandwidth is low is a misconception. Emotions are there, but identifying and articulating them is very difficult.
2. DA's care for people in ways that are often overlooked or taken for granted. We work our asses off not because we love work, but we find it meaningful to provide for others, which is also why we're very generous. We mainly show affection through physical affection, and acts of service, because these are easier to articulate than verbal communication of emotions that are hard to express.
3. We are hyper rational. We express anger because when a friend, spouse, or significant other expresses emotional turmoil we interpret that as our failure to understand and resolve the cause of the emotion. If we're accused of being the cause because of our lack of emotional expression, we have no ability to understand how to resolve this. Fundamentally, we have alot of internal empathy, but it's difficult to express.
4. Because we view the world from an objective, rational view it's painful to be perceived as uncaring or insensitive when those we care for take for granted or just can't see the things we do that really does express concern and care, just not in traditional or emotional ways. People are ignorant that the heart of a DA is benevolent, that we show love through Action, not through emotional expression.
5. When we give advice to emotional people, they get hurt by it, even when our intentions is to attempt to solve the problem. We don't see emotional validation as a solution to an emotions cause, and technically, it ISNT, but because emotional people don't possess the fortitude or ability to solve the causes of their own emotions, they believe validation of their feelings is validation of them. To a DA, this approach is useless. We are pragmatic, competent, intelligent, and often dominant individuals who know how to solve external problems in the real world. We are leaders, and decisive in solving a plethora of real world problems. We cannot understand why people seek emotional validation but refuse to address the cause of their emotional turmoil, other than we perceive they're incapable of solving the cause of their emotions for the most part. While a feeler wonders why a DA isn't more emotionally attuned, present, and validating, the DA wonders why so many people are governed by constant emotions, neediness, and perpetual slavery to emotions those same people often appear incompetent in addressing the root causes therein.
If you believe a more emotional person is a better fit for you than a rational person with limited emotional bandwidth, then I say go for it. However, there will be pros and cons. Emotional people are rarely leaders. They're rarely able to solve external problems, they're byproducts of perpetual feelings. So if you want a shoulder to cry on, while having fewer provisions, protection, and solidity, go for it.
In my experience, the only thing feelings produce are more feelings, and if you believe that your worth is validated by someone who listens to your feelings, then know that you will always be disappointed, because though you seek some sort of holy grail of worth, I can tell you now;
You will never find it in another human being, whether they're a rational or emotional person, because the emotional security you seek can never be fulfilled with more emotions.
Your value is either innate and given by God, or you're worthless. If you believe you're worthless, then nobody can stop you, or proove to you otherwise, no matter how many times they listen to you weep.
Is it also correct to assume that writing is also difficult? If I write expressing my own emotions is that also difficult for a DA?
This doesn't sound like the description of a DA at all
"When we give advice to emotional people, they get hurt by it, even when our intentions is to attempt to solve the problem." - this is not a DA thing, you are just an asshole. most people come to friends and lovers for support and understanding not solutions. DAs comprehend the need to be understood a lot more than other attachment styles, actually. It's cute you wrote a long paragraph about what a great partner you are by being competed and pragmatic, that's not what people who confide in you are looking for and you are just being inconsiderate.
Let me explain:
Your friend had a really shitty day because she locked herself out of her apartment, and had to wait for a locksmith for an hour and therefore was late to an important meeting at work.
As she tells you this story, you chime in with "well, you should always check if you have your keys before you leave the house"
While, technically good advice, you are not being helpful.
Here's something for your to read: philandmaude.com/how-listening-without-giving-advice-is-good-for-your-relationships/
PS. Truly, no one cares about your intelligence, dominance or what you do for work.
Just wanted to thank you for point 5. I could see the DA I've been confused by writing this near verbatim and it helps clarify for me why he hits a "does not compute" point in some conversations, though he seems to really appreciate the emotional validation I give him. He has a high status/high stress career (not screen based), which encourages him to relegate/discount emotional expression even further beyond his natural attachment tendencies. I'm [earned] secure and don't need a ton of validation, but the part tripping me up is that ANY closeness results in dead silence/deactivation for a much longer time period than the actual interaction causing it. I could manage more purely surface/light interactions if he could just manage to show up physically in a more consistent manner.
You talking too fast
Adjust the playback speed
How long does each stage last?
She’s said typically the relief lasts 2 weeks, the indifference lasts another 2-4 weeks or so, the missing typically starts at 6 weeks but can vary (anywhere 4 weeks in to 3 months in usually)
@@Em-so1le Thanks.
@@Em-so1le Month four of break up and month three no contact and I still haven't heard from her. I'm not expecting to and I know its really over. I just miss her sometimes.
@@perspicacity89 it’s normal to miss someone you love and care about. Been there. Make sure you don’t add suffering to the pain by ruminating, blaming, or making stories. I know these videos and the courses have helped me tremendously with different aspects. But I’m sorry you’re going through that. Maybe things will end up working out or maybe they won’t but I hope you come out stronger and happy
@@Em-so1le thank you kind stranger.
It would be great if you could speak a bit slower 😂