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So basically as soon as they’ve had enough of the “relationship life”, they begin to shut down and then abruptly abandon they're partner. Then when you come back, they expect to start over from scratch as though the previous time never existed. This is because the last time around was getting too close to a “progression stage” which they will never want to fully commit to. This way they get to benefit from the honeymoon phase again without having to address any issues. If they're partner begins to express their needs or concerns of the relationship, they will simply abandon them again. 👍Amazing form of passive abuse.
@anniiKn Exactly my experience. Full recoil as we approached progression stage, 15 mos into the relationship with NO conflict and harmonious as well! But I don't think it's a smooth ride for them either - an internal war between feelings and fears would be raging!
That's exactly how it goes, and it does feel abusive. You will lose yourself trying to keep up with them. In the end, you start to realize they will never be able to give you what you want or need anyways. No matter how great the good times are, winter is always just around the corner.
My 1.5year relationship was harmonious also, but not letting me in was abusive. It was breadcrumbing at its finest. You have to see it for what it is, dysfunctional and disappointing. Question these behaviours and your dumped.
Yep it's exactly how my relationship has been for 6 yrs. It was perfect til we almost got married so about 3 yrs in then ever since then he breaks up when we get close it's hell.
I was with a DA for 4 years. He pushed me away, and we broke up. 6 weeks later he came back full of remorse, we worked on our relationship for 4 more months, started going to therapy, happy again. In that stage, I caught him cheating on me. Never again.
Mine was texting another married guy while we dated and she got upset when I said it was inappropriate. Her male friends where people she'd been with or wanted to. Drove me crazy. Then she left me for being too needy and got into another relationship weeks later. Left me traumatised.
@@droflivelife hope it gets better secure people are worth all the pain leave find someone you can heal and grow with..after 2 years of my break up with a DA i met my Fa partner and the love and respect we have made me soooo grateful i left..he's a very loving man..he also left a DA ex..we both are healing each other we are not recreating the pain we went through ever
The part I don't follow is where you have a discussion with the DA about what went wrong, boundries and such. How can you have an adult discussion like that, when they will get triggered at any sign of pointing out something that didn't work from their end, or setting boundries. The DA sets boundries and breaks them, they make the rules as they go, everything happens on their terms or else it's cold treatment, ghosting, gaslighting or some other form of silent treatment.
Yeah….mine discarded me via text and when I asked her politely even just for a “debrief” so that I could work on myself and my own flaws moving forward, she gave me the typical “I couldn’t have asked to be treated any better than you treated me” followed by a “it’s me, not you” cliche. The whole thing of “people only accept the love they think they deserve” is BS because that would be like if you left your job because they “paid you too much money.” Makes absolutely zero sense and I really don’t believe it for a second
@@replaygeorge you cant have that conversation, its off limits 😑. I tried and it was seen as a personal attack / analysing her. She chose to end it on the spot citing we have nothing in common and 'i cant love you the way you want'
I will tel you whoever experience break up now you will be okay soon. Been there! I thought i cannot get through the pain and longing.. I was stuck by the memories.. It was a long journey for me (10months) to accept and let go of my man that mean the world to me.. And i am in the situation right now that i don't want him to comeback. Looking forward for my next relationship and for sure a healthy one.. Break up gives you a plenty of lessons and reflections to be secure and strong. Pray for the Healing of everybody 🙏
@@MarilynGarcia-ht4zw You will be okay, Ive been there. 5 yr relationship ended i was in Denial for almost 6 months and keep bargaining. But he did not reach out. I DEcided to cut him totally in my life for my well being and never contact him again. I lost myself in a relationship he was a controlling ex and manipulative, i thought he just love me so that he doesn't like this, that, those.etc.. I'll promise you dear you will be okay soon, try to meet new friends, join some activities make your time occupied.. Now almost a year of the split and8 months of no contact i feel better, sadness, longing and confusion hit me sometime but i know it is a part of the healing process. If ever my ex will comeback i will never ever accept him anymore. Never! I feel sick in my stomach if i remember his face.
Ooh no! Dodge that bullet at all costs. The only worthwhile thing to do if the DA wants to reunite is tell them to go heal their attachment style and come back once they're completely secure. I mean, unless you just love totally one-sided relationships. Even having boundaries and talking about what didn't work is NOT- in my experience- enough for them to change anything.
If you reconnect then start really slow, with boundaries on your investment and level of interaction...they need to earn the next stages by continuing the work you both agree is needed. It's so easy to end up slipping back to the old pattern if you drop your guard. Obviously you need to keep working on your healing too (either way it's worth doing).
I can confirm as dismissive avoidant this is 100% dead on. I unknowingly repeated this cycle so many times and took me a long time to understand what was happening.
Well I hope you stopped bc it’s very painful for those who believe it’s going to change and are trying to move on with their life only for you to return as they are healing to do this again
Same here. I never knew, I just thought I wasn’t relationship material or if I got into a relationship it would all go away, boy was I wrong. It has haunted me in every relationship until recently. I ruined a perfectly secure attached person because of my attachment style. The breakup is really affecting me, making me see every angle like I’ve never seen before. It’s changing me. It’s forcing me to dig deeper than I have before and find out what made me this way.
Just had my first experience with a DA, and every 4 months, she tries to break the ice, as if no stonewalling happened. Now that she's seen me train in the gym, with 2 other women, she stares us down, from across the gym. Honestly, just don't try to engage a DA, if you value your sanity, and your time, specially if you're a secure attacher. It will be very frustrating, and confusing. Even if you think you can find an angle, that you can use, to slowly start breaking down the walls, it will feel like another catalyst, that will make things worse. Just find someone else.
It’s almost exactly the 6w mark! 😂 I’m secure now but was DA for much of my life & still lean avoidant. For the 1st month or so a lot of us barely notice the breakup. It’s like being on vacation tbh. But then around 2mo or so it gets real
So, personally, what would you do around that 2 month point? Would you start breadcumbing? Did you ever get back with anyone, or would you have gotten back if they were still interested?
Finally a healed DA I can ask! Can you please tell me something? When you healed your DA stuff, did you become more optimistic in life? Are you more jolly & expressive now? I really need to know if those things really do shift. Please and thank you 🙏
5:38 I checked if he was and he wasn't 😢 He said he was open to learning about self-development but I the 3 months I allowed myself to devote on recommunication with him and he didn’t take the initiative to learn about his DA or my FA, he used seeing other women as a distancing factor between us and it worked... 😢 for ME. I'm grateful he was open to at least talking a bit, however guarded, sporadic, surface-level, silent treatments and cut off😢 I'll just be the Phantom Ex from here. Hes a special guy but not special enough to appreciate a love like mine or to share my special family.
I would love for you to create another video on the topic of: Losing people as a result of becoming secure. I have found that some friendships seem to fall away, dating changes (folks flee or don't feel attraction where they previously have), and it can lead to a very peculiar flavour of isolation. Finding compatibility with other people feels more complex now, and there is a kind of grief for those left behind.
Very true. The more you know the more complex it seems. Our society doesn't help. Seems people are so judgmental and full of resentment. I feel that is due to the way we now live. We dont need our neighbor to survive so we can treat him or her accordingly.
Thank you soo much!! I am just out of an 11 month situationship (makes sad to view it that way - but true) with a DA. It was in and out for that time and, now, I have to stand in my strength to give space which was very (and is) hard to do. This detailed advice is incredible during this time. I will help me be strong and I will listen again and follow these steps in moving forward. I feel grateful for the work that you do because it has helped me so much over the last few years! It’s a gift you have! Thank you 🙏 ❤
Has anyone else noticed that the pros are always much more optimistic than the comments from people who have actually been in a relationship with the DA??? 🤔🤔🤔
Because the reality is that they’re actually narcissists and leave a trail of victims because of their “trauma”. Nobody else gets a pass to treat people like absolute waste because of their traumas like avoidants do.
@@brotherthelonius7141 I can tell you that I haven’t been treated that way, but you just don’t know what to do with them, what to say to them. For me right now we haven’t communicated in almost 2 weeks and I just don’t know whether I should be the one to reach out or not, what to say. Does he want me to?? Or just leave him alone? What about Valentine’s Day? Is that the worst possible day? I can tell you one thing for sure: he’s amped up my anxiety. And I’m secure attachment. 😥
False hope money make machine. The real experts all say the same other thing. These online fake coaches promote abuse. They wont change. They are abusive. Let them!
I think DAs want to stay in the honeymoon stage. Thats why many have experienced DAs leaving suddenly as the relationship progressed. And then, they may entertain coming back after a period of time as it will feel like honeymoon stage again!
I was with DA girl for 1 year, we lived together. Then it became little bumpy and started to pull away, ewentually she moved out. I went no contact. After 3 weeks she came back, telling me that maybe we should 'pick up' each other again. Like what? After all of that? And relationship wasn't boring, we had great romance
10 years! She abruptly left me four months ago. I’m still in shock. All she told me is she was bored and wanted a new relationship. How nice for me!! The crazy thing is I still miss her.
Sorry for the pain you have gone through, I feel you. My wife of 10 years, the mother of our 5 years old, left ubruptly after weird a few moths of silence treatment inspite of me trying to engage her, we were trying for a baby until the week she left, she was lying now I know! She stayed in touch for the first 3.5 months of separation... Spending time here and there with our son.. But didn't allow us to talk about our break up. Went to three counsling sessions, she is not hopeful and does not have energy she says! She is seeing someone much older than her 2 months after she left, maybe before even who knows, she denies seeing someone. It's 5 moths in now. .. We engaged lawyers for separation, I still love her and miss her, getting better though. I tell myself it's trauma, she is a good person, I still kind to her and validating... How do you feel at this stage if I may ask.
Don't blame yourself for missing her, 10 years is a long time and it takes a while to heal, especially if it's out of the blue. Don't dismiss your feelings
The label she gave me is narcissistic, she think I am a narcesit, which hurts big time and I took tests and asked my psychologist who disagreed. That's why she is cutting me out following the guidance of all those videos online.. As if a dismissive need further encouragement to cut me out fully. I am no angle and I have issues that I took accountability for but this label is harsh it leaves no room for reconciliation. I think it is well over but the little bit of hope is painful... Thanks for replying and best wishes to you too.
I believe DAs can experience the boomerang effect in dating-stage relationships, too. I dated one briefly and they ended it quickly when a trigger came up. We still work together, though, and I always catch them staring at me. I believe they regret dumping me but won't admit it. We recently talked on the phone for hours and they've shown other subtle signs they still like me. It's so confusing.
Hey Thais, you have helped me so much. My DA broke up with me in 2020. I really loved him, but his on and off nature was a real turn off for me. I was clear I couldn’t be friends with him because I was deeply in love with him. He reaches out every year to me and has a new partner who is insecure about their relationship and will harass me online about her insecurities. I’m not sure why he continues to contact me when he had moved on to someone else and I respected his decision and married someone else. It’s completely mind boggling. I don’t know what the intentions are with him continuing to reach out when all I did was respect his decision to not continue our relationship.
He contacts you because the limits you put were not clear enough. He might still "love you", but it is very possible that he is using you and the bond you have. DAs tend to pretend to be open and available to their exs. My DA had his exgirlfriend (7 years relationship) as a favorite contact in his phone. He said that they were still friends. Later, I discovered that, in fact, she did not want any contact with him. He used her phone contact as a strategy to make me feel jealous. I never felt jealous because I have secure attachment style. The relationship lasted 3 - 4 months because I could see he was unavailable in many ways. I blocked him from Whatsapp. TH-cam is the only RRSS I use. So, I decided to be in no contact forever. What a bore his unavailabilty was for me!!
Phantom Ex. Have you watched videos on that? You married someone else so you're "safe", the fantasy for all the underlying thoughts (emotions) he can't figure out how to heal because he has core wounds he's got to work on before any relationship will ever be healthy
Lol. His contact list is long girl. Every now and then he contacts one of his ex's for an ego boost, or you could say positive reinforcement. Grow up. Don't be a doormat.
You got this! You are doing the work and you will heal, just keep doing the work!🩵🫂 I've become secure and my good friend who had a full on DA-A has become secure after 1-2 years of committing to get to know oneself, it's having major positive effects on our lives, all from work, family relations, friendships, hobbies, romantic life.. I'm telling you as much as letting go of your hyper-independence might scare you, it's SO so bright & worth it on the other side! And there's a lot of people in PDS with DA-A who can confirm this!!
I think i was in a situationship possibly and although it was vary powerful to me / lots of conflicting/ confusing things said and done and it was a very short period, im still very greatful she came into my life and shared with me. It does hurt that it seems to be no more but im greatful for her. The things you are teaching are the most important thing to me. I am going to try to absorb and understand them.
Boomerang for sure. Nip it in the bud. It goes around and around if you let it. I did. Finally I put up boundaries after telling him everything that I needed to say to him. It was over a text after he left me. I focused and worked on myself. Found my own joy. He went back to the interfering Ex. He found out what life was really like after he married her. Fast forward, he returned regretting what he had done. I refused any and all discussion of what needed to be changed, bc I was so incredibly hurt by him and his actions and could not figure out what I actually did to him. It's been a slow process of him trusting me and opening up to me. I don't recommend anything I did except putting up boundaries and finding your joy and loving and working on yourself. Let them go Heal themselves while you Heal yourself.
Do you think they might have been Narc rather than pure DA? DAs do care and have feelings they just are too scared & have low emotional resilience awareness too. But this sounds more like someone ice cold the whole time. Hope you're healing either way.
After what I believed was a really serious relationship, talking marriage kids, lived together, she moved on with another guy weeks later after leaving me out of the blue. I bet she already had something planned with this guy during the relationship with me. Doubt I'll hear from her. I'll be traumatised for years.
I know how difficult and painful that feels, but I would encourage you to reconsider assigning a timeframe to your trauma….be open to the idea that you could heal faster
I think the DA i was with for 3 years has been experiencing some of this. I can tell through his social media activity he goes between missing me and being an ass about it. I’m an FA and it’s hard for me too. It’s for the best but our relationship filled needs for us both.
He's DA leaning FA, while I'm FA leaning AP. I love him and I know he loves me too, but there's a pattern when it comes to feelings. He goes hot, which makes me go hot, then he turns cold two weeks later and "breaks up". Apparently wanting to see your partner more than 2-3 times a month is expecting too much and that makes him feel bad BC he hates disappointing people. He's not doing it for my sake, he's doing it because he's terrified of being abandoned and because he's already made two huge changes in his life in less than 2,5 years. I was doing fine when we were just friends, before he gradually became hotter and suddenly revealed that he loves me and always have (5,5 years). Then we both made bad choices based on trauma and we're basically not talking since over 3,5 weeks. A couple of messages with no real meaning. I've told him we can't be together (after the breakup), but that I want to be friends. Not sure how a DA reacts when you tell them we only work as friends.
You’re not going to like what I say, but if you want this relationship to have any real chance, you need at least 6w no contact. Preferably 3mo. As a former DA now secure, I can promise u that back & forth every few weeks is destroying w/e connection u have. It’s convincing him it’ll never work. Plus, now u told him u only work as friends… but u clearly want more & you’re expecting him to respond to that? 😂 I’m not being critical I’m just pointing out that’s typical FA behavior of pushing him away when u want him to chase. Yr DA prob isn’t gonna chase anytime soon. If he does, then I guarantee he isn’t a DA, all the games & stress has turned him anxious With 3mo no contact I think you’ll likely decide he can’t meet your needs. But if you still want him back & he hasn’t reached out, you can send a meme or some innocent outreach like a work question or restaurant recommendation (but it’s gotta make sense, don’t quiz him on a random topic or it’ll seem fake & desperate). He will almost certainly reply even just out of curiosity & then u can rebuild attraction slowly from there. Hopefully at that point he knows whether he wants to hangout more than 3x per month. If not, u should just look for someone else
i have a suggestion for a video: i've noticed that sometimes people will learn they have psychological issues, yet instead of working on them, they use them as a shield, an excuse to get away with unhealthy behavior. "oh, did i violate your boundaries? well, i have this issue. was i mean to you? see, i have this problem - thereby making it okay." i'd like to get Thais' take on that.
Yep the guy that was sending me mixed messages for nearly four years constantly used his ex’s suicide (they were separated for a year when it happened) as a reason he was treating me terribly. He’d say one thing and then his actions showed another. He’d manipulate the use of boundaries…by saying “boundaries are healthy” and then implement rigid boundaries that just shut down healthy communication.
@@brianhill6842that’s a tough situation tbf. I’m not making excuses for him, but I lost a partner in a car accident & it made me a DA for much of my life. So I kinda understand yr ex’s position. That said, it’s prob best to walk away from someone in that state bc we aren’t emotionally available if that makes sense
@@brianhill6842 this is precisely what i am talking about. i very much understand that people have issues, which can affect them deeply - that was a given in my post; however, that does not justify them treating others badly, while using the knowledge of said issues as a justification.
@@scarletsletter4466 he took his life in July 2019. They separated in March of 2018. They both had cheated on one another in their six year relationship. I bring this up because he told me I would never have what they had and they had an amazing relationship. I had always been patient, and supportive over the years and figured he’d need years to grieve so I always kept my distance. He’d always text me, FaceTime me or sext me when he wanted attention. Then he’d start telling me he is emotionally damaged and doesn’t want to hurt me but he kept engaging with me creating a connection. I asked if I could spend time with him again and he said “I don’t know” and for seven months he just kept stringing me along, yelling at me, insulting me because I kept asking what has changed??? He blocked my phone number on May 5 yet still stays on my social media. It’s kind of like “here I am, you can see me but you won’t be able to talk yo me” which is painful. Not sure what to do. It’s been 3 months.
@@adamwood87 I agree with you 💯. It used to be if someone treated you bad people supported YOU. Their friends and family may also have said, “don’t you think you’re being a little harsh or unreasonable?” But today they say things like, “well we weren’t officially anything so he shouldn’t be upset” as a way to justify their horrible treatment of someone else. They lack accountability and empathy.
The DA I was dating was so nice the first month. He continued to be nice but without showing "feelings" anymore. After 3 months he started pulling away, but kept sending messages everyday. All day long. Calling me. Until he said he was feeling something strange and needed time. Kept calling and messaging everyday all day. Until one day I said we needed to talk because we didnt see each other for 2 weeks and that was a bad situation. He changed completely. He said he didnt know how to explain what he was feeling and seemed overwhelmed. Now its been 2 days he barely talks to me. Hard stuff.
So similar to my story. My DA was very nice the first month, we started a relationship, he pulled away the second month, but he kept calling me every day, we were together every weekend but acting more as a friend, not like a boyfriend. He said he felt a "weird vibe", that something was off but he had feelings for me but dumped me at the 2 months mark and disappeared. It's been 3 months, he vanished.
@@Ckyt572 sounded like mine, except he was texting everyday instead of calling. was very nice and sweet and even got me flowers twice especially the first month-ish. At the 2 months mark, I asked him directly how he felt about me after being annoyed by his hot/cold behavior, he said he felt no spark, no emotional connection. he said I felt like a very good friend to him and then called it a break. it sucks. we knew the sparks and feelings are there but they wouldn't admit them
I dont see DA as evil. I love my ex but can say that she is a good person but so wounded that it is an emotionally expensive relationship that has a high probability of not overcoming the obstacles. None of us are perfect but so much limbo over the years to suddenly end as mine did. Should I ever encounter another DA I will show up differently and require/ request frequent "relationship audit" and signs of the needle moving. I am not loaded with resentment. It is brutal to end as mine did. Then is the grief and concern over another so hurt that they do as mine did. You or rather I didn't stop loving her. Just dont know who she really is. DA are not bad people but one needs to be aware that they have a strong possibility of ending in the manner so documented.
@@Crescent_Moon_Risingunderstanding the question is half of the answer, understanding the problem is half of the solution. These are coping mechanism and attachement style not you. Keep at it. We are all on a self discovery journey, mine started after my DA wife of 12 years left suddenly and convinced herself I am a narcist. Instead of watching videos about complex traumas she is watching videos about dumping and never coming back to the narcesit, extra hurtful. My heart has been shattered and I am healing. I try not to be resentful and understand she has childhood traumas, i don't think she is even looking at that. 7 months of break up and I just started to get better. Its a hard journey to heal but we all need a level of it.
Im 23 now, my ex is 21. I was the DA, she was the FA, three and a half years down the line roles switched, and i got even more anxious when she left me… Now discovering attachment styles theory, and the trauma i have unaddressed, i hope time will do the work now i am giving her the space she needed
Thais, I have a question about this: my ex (DA) left me (an FA) a year ago- we have a 6 y/o son and our relationship was 9 yrs. The whole year since he left has been up and down, reconciling/unsure and he seems to finally have decided to end the 'situationship' it became. Where's the relationship's end for him- last year or two weeks ago?
How do you respond when they do come back after a few months and not want to discuss anything that happened and go back to how things were? I don’t want to scare him away but I want to talk about things and he isn’t ready.
So in step 2, you mentioned how both parties have to make sure they’re willing to do the work to make things work for the best. My DA girlfriend left me about a month ago on the dot, citing she was going to therapy to “understand what secure attachment feels like” and basically if she’s capable of changing to a more secure attachment style. She also never gave me true closure (in typical DA style) and rather gave me a SUPER vague “if we are meant to be together, the universe will find a way to put us together.” For the record, we only dated for about 3 months, but I would say we were well past the “dating stage” as she was spending the night at my house regularly, opening up to me about childhood trauma and even trauma with a previous decade of toxic, borderline abusive relationships. She regularly told me how much I meant to her, how well I treated her, how she’d brag to her friends about how good I was to her and how safe and protected and “seen” I made her feel. Given the fact that she’s proactively at least making an effort to change her attachment style and that she didn’t slam the door on me and on top of all that, I handled the breakup incredibly well, haven’t called or texted her or blown up her social media (I actually deactivated all mine) and I went NC pretty much immediately, do you think I have any semblance of a chance of rekindling with her? Again, I’m off social media, but friends have told me she’s definitely in her “separation elation” phase, posting on her stories nonstop, which she was hardly ever on social media while we were dating and now she seems to live on it.
How about DA’s and divorce? Been with my DA-leaning partner for almost 9 years and married for almost 2. Just over a month ago he told me he’s “done trying” and wants a divorce without any discussion allowed. I’m really struggling to accept it and am hoping he’s going to come back but I don’t want to hold on if it’s not going to happen
Wow--similar story here. Together 6 years, married 13 months, and he abruptly tells me one day he can't do it anymore. Leaves. Literally ghosted and its been 3 years and I have not seen him since. At the one year mark I learned hed started dating right away and they were engaged already. I feel confident that whatever was up wasn't just DA-ness. So sorry for what you're going through.
Thank you for saying this. Very true. I’m a FA not AP, but I show up very AP in the relationship with my DA partner. I find when I take honest responsibility for my actions and feelings & admit when I’m acting bananas because I’m triggered things work much more smoothly. I never want my partner to think anything is “his fault” because it’s not, we fuel each other’s bulls*it.
@katymello3547 Agree 😅 I'm still FA but the AP side came out with my ex-DA but I am FA and lean DA when dating my FA. It's my BS but it's empowering to be able to see my destructive patterns and know that with a willing partner (my FA not my ex-DA) we can understand each other, heal together and grow stronger. If not, I'm still heading towards secure and benefitting everyday. I'm going to try the break up course at PDS and vlog that.
Can't wait to see my man again. I know he's dismissive but I love him. This is our first big fight and we haven't talked in a while, but... I'm going to be like that open arms song when he comes around! And do it right, communicate and compromise.
It's been 5 weeks of agreed no contact between both of us (we agreed to 6-8 weeks). He deactivated over and over again right from the beginning - he is leaning fearful avoident due to a past toxic relationship but I believe he is DA by nature. What I want to know is - how do I get rod of the feeling that he is the one? I'm 33 and I never had this feeling before. We never fought, we have the same interest, our time together was always lovely and great. But he was so guarded that he couldn't develop the feelings he wanted to develop for me. He said he stayed because our values are so align and he has some sort of feelings but not enough for an actual future with me. So I ended it because after 5 month I couldn't allow him any longer to hurt me emotionally on that level. It just isn't fun when someone questions their romantic feelings for you over and over again. It's just really difficult because on paper it should have worked. But he simply wasn't ready and I feel like I never had a real chance. How to let go of a FA? 😢
Do all the tips in these shorter videos on becoming a Secure attachment. I promise it feels easier as you head towards secure. Do the meditations when the feelings are overwhelming or you feel like reaching out to tell FA your feelings instead tell your journal ❤ I wish you luck and peace as you make your way thru the courses.
Very similar situation here! Just ended on 6 months as of not moving to next stage and one sided emotional closeness. Felt more like a close friendship really. Now l am asking, how l convinced myself that l deserve to be with someone who is not sure and who is always guarded. If you are anxious leaning like me, we have a hard time seeing our value and deep abondenment fears. Hence we usually cling on, even if there is not a real emotional bond to cling on! Wishing you strength. I believe that the moment we choose ourselves, universe opens other doors.
Almost same story. Key word "feelings not enough", "not as he wanted", this ROCD turmoil as another deactivation strategy was so painful, even if I was much more secure than before. One can only take so much uncertainty and at the same time, the signs that there is love. The solution for me was no contact. He broke it several times over 1.5 year. Only to give me false hope, as he disappeared each time. He was still as volatile after the break up. The last time he reached out, it seemed more vulnerable and nostalgic, praising the good memories and the love I gave him, probably wanting to see me, but he was still not taking accountability for hurting me, or anything apologetic. More like "it didn't work out" that rubbed me the wrong way. I decided to ignore the messages and call. It's been months, he hasn't tried again since. For me now, only a heartfelt apology, would show me he has grown and it is worth re opening that door. If not and it's a casual and even warm contact, I consider it a breadcrumb with selfish purposes (getting some validation, relief..). It's been a challenge to resist but I don't want to be treated as an option and unappreciated.
@@MissSarahGM l think Thais also explains it in some of her videos, FA folks have problem with vulnerability and apology/taking accountability also go into the box. We need to ask ourselves: do we want a future with people who disapper easily? Life is hard, l want someone to stay around. But obviously my subconscious must be disagreeing with me. Heartbreaks can teach us lessons that otherwise we dont learn:(
@@komakino0 Yes there are explanations to any behaviour, or at least hypothesis.. However, if we know what we want and deserve, and we don't want to crap fit and be codependent, we need to set our standard. I know I want a mutual relationship where we appreciate one another, and put in the work. It starts with acknowledging when damage and hurt was caused. If it stays unaddressed how there could be any change? Plus we would become enablers and participate in the toxic dynamic. My only hope is by showing him I have changed, he feels the loss and that causes him to change. It's not easy but it's also showing myself I can be stronger and resist the spell. It was like an addiction. Just being in his arms, I would forget all the turmoil and uncertainty. Exactly, the fact he could do what he did is the problem, he was deactivated for at least 5 months after the break up, that's not a mistake.. He really believed he was better off without me.. Only when I stopped being available did he start trying indirect moves to make me pursue I suppose..
I was with my DA for only a few months but we definitely developed a strong emotional connection before they got triggered and pulled away and tried friend zoning me and eventually I went into no contact..2 months now..its my first time in a situation like this so idk what will happen, I am working on myself and its hard because I know they had strong feelings but each day I tell myself to fully move on and I'm slowly getting there.
✨I'm not sure if you have a video on this... I think it would be neat to see a video on people with avoidance styles who choose commitment, but to people who might be mean or unloving to them. Maybe there are kids involved. Instead of them going towards true love and vulnerability, they'll commit wholeheartedly to a situation that isn't good for them because it's not "dangerous".
My x did that - rebounded literally in days to my "friend" was purposely copying me in everything and she got pregnant right away on purpose. He lost his dream woman. I even was open to forgiving him and trying. And I did my best but it was just a mess. His boundaries were awful and I hope one day he chooses healthy love.
My ex DA was like this as well, mainly gravitating towards women that didnt commit or had multiple other partners and werent interested in a monogamous relationship. He gave so much of himself to those types of relationships while walking away from me who wanted a committed and exclusive relationship. I honestly believe he liked the thrill of the chase and he lost interest once i wanted more, when i chose to give only what was valid to me, like honesty and commitment, it turned him off, he onlywanted what he couldnt have. Everything else to him was easy, pleasant and without challenge.
@@asmallbitchybanana In the x's case his consciousness couldn't handle unconditional love - it brought up all his trauma. I know it is something that still cuts him up. Nothing worse then being caged. by your own demons. Its all a learning and growing process for us all. 💜
Can I share a poem I wrote about my bf and my dynamic and how I’m a gf who is very much so attached and he’s avoidant I’m kind of embarrassed cus it’s so vulnerable but one of your videos helped me see his perspective better and I feel like you’d appreciate it
So interesting ! Thank you Thais 💛 i am a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive, my last partner was way more anxious than i was, and i noticed the pattern you describe, that after 2 months i naturally reached out, like almost out of the blue even to myself 😳 and it worked amazing on the 1st date, but the 2nd and 3rd dates were catastrophic and i ended up shutting down once again... i know i won't go back to this relationship anymore...
Ok, so this is all well and good when the DA dumps you on their own terms. But what does the DA go through when you decided to not take their dysfunctional and delusional neglect anymore and you decided to dump the DA after what was becoming an LTR (9mo)? Now THAT'S a question I'd love to see answered.
I broke up with My DA in January because I was sick of him well….being a DA. At the 6 week mark I was really missing him and reached out. We had been together for over two years and I was regretting the breakup. When I initially broke it off with him he told me he would never chase me or beg for me to come back. At the 6 week mark he responded back when I reached out and said to me ‘it’s funny that your reaching out now-especially when I have been struggling so much this past week’ We worked through some things ONLY communicating for the first 3 weeks after we reconnected. He kept me at arms length because he was so riddled with anxiety. We saw each other FINALLY and committed to seeing each other a few times a week. Communication was not as it was before the breakup-and I didn’t try to push quickly. After a brief reuniting for weeks he couldn’t handle the ‘pressure and drama’ and then told me I was the love of his life, we have an amazing connection and could we just be friends? Moral of the story: when we dump the DA they do not feel in control. It creates a lot of anxiety in them and in order to fix and problems in a relationship they need to be vulnerable. Most DA’s will avoid vulnerability at all costs. Also their biggest fear is rejection, so if we were the ones to initiate the breakup getting them to trust us again is a slow slow crawl. I knew my guy loved me but he did not feel in control after I broke it off with him the first time-he was in a constant state of anxiety which made him feel very vulnerable. They avoid feeling that way even if it’s at the cost of loosing you. Mine sat in a lot of discomfort and pain the second time around and it’s been almost 16 weeks NC. I hope this helps.
My guess is they ain't come back unless you make it very very clear the door is open if they do some healing. But you are really right it's a good question and Thais has said past a certain point DAs are actually quite unlikely to break up compared to the FA/AP. I'll ask Thais to do a video on this at the next webinar. They do often do requests!
My DA ex broke up with me every 6 months, like clockwork. 3 times total. Last time she told me she lost feelings and maybe in future it will come back and she will start to miss me. That was painful and kept me waiting in loop. I was emotionally exhausted and couldnt tolerate it anymore. My frustration get out of me and things went bad between us
If a DA broke up with me a year and a half ago, but I continued to stay in contact with him and essentially chased him for 10months, then I went off and on “no contact”, then I asked him to stop breadcrumbing me and only contact me if its important 20 days ago… when you talk about a DA coming back after 3months, does the 3 months start when he initially broke up with me? Or would it start the last time I talked to him (20 days ago) Or is it too late now because I accepted his breadcrumbs for so long which gave him enough time to get over our 12yr relationship?
Is there any hope if they start breadcrumbing almost a year later? I’ve been in a lot of pain and he’s been viewing my socials occasionally over the past few months. I refuse to break NC just because of that but it’s been really out of character because he shuts down HARD.
Is it possible for a DA to go into a rebound relationship, to push down their feels for even longer? This is what I'm currently experiencing with my DA ex. After around 6 months in this rebound relationship, my ex has invited me back into her life, after blocking me out completely for months. I was just moving on when.........
From what I have researched and read about, they will come back to you once you have moved on without them no problem. And the faster the rebound or escape route they took during the breakup, the bigger the compliment to you that they actually loved you or thought you could of been an amazing match. Hence why it scared the shit out of them and they bounced. Self-sabotaging themselves from true happiness. But also typically 2-6 months is the time frame a DA will reach back out and miss you, wanting to try again maybe, etc.
Most of the time a DA won’t reach out within the near term, maybe months later, if u had a longterm serious relationship. As a past DA myself I’d say if u truly want a truly avoidant ex back (& idk why u would), then wait 2-3mo & send an unemotional outreach like a meme or work or other question (but only if it’s realistic; don’t quiz them on a topic u don’t normally have interest in). They’ll prob reply to that, then use it as a springboard to rebuild attraction. This will probably work, but please consider if u actually want the DA back
@@scarletsletter4466I'm curious. Would a DA reach out months later with a reasonable request. My ex sent me a dispassionate email four months after our breakup. He asked me to call Delta to have a plane ticket that was in my name redirected back to him. I was surprised he didn't do that months ago. Any future trips we had planned he cancelled the day we broke up. Was this just him forgetting details or was this the DA trying to reach out?
Hello to everyone! Can someone help me with an advice. My ex DA girlfriend ask for space just before talking about marriage because she doesn't know what she feels about me. I gave her space for 3 months as she requested. No takling no contacting her. She send me a Happy birthday last 2 days after 3 months. I want to move on, to be interested in other women's but i still thinking of her. Maybe i need a closure. Should i reconnect with her to know what is in her mind now or do nothing and just try to forget her?
I like the advice of the man who responded above. I’ll give the woman’s perspective which is the exact same advice: thank her for the bday wishes politely; but nothing more. Move on, focus on yrslf & enjoy meeting new people. This girl didn’t have feelings for u, so she’s not right for u. It’s that simple. She did u a favor of showing u the correct path & now it’s just up to u to follow it ❤
What if you’re with a disorganized attachment, avoidant leaning during conflict - but overall he’s started going to therapy and learning his attachment style. There have been many improvements!! But how do you know when you can ask for more? It’s so hard to find the line because he still isn’t great at expressing needs. I am getting better at recognizing triggers and when to give space. But sometimes (when I’m super stressed) I get anxious and “clingy” which when too prolonged causss the shutdown and “we aren’t together and never will be.” He has gone weeks without saying this, and being a great participant. What do I do then? I took responsibility for being overbearing (I truly was - walls of text, etc) and apologized for it. I am not asking him to come back but hoping he does. Typically he does. I haven’t had this big of a blowup in a long time with him, and especially not since we have been doing better than ever. Help!!
So maybe i can help me decide i eas with an advoident for 3and ahalf yesrs we he broke it off in may said he couldend do it anymore.wr got along great he was just not emotional. Snyway hr wanted to just in touch on the phone i dident think i couldent do that so broke all co..u ication. Was that ok to do now i feel that he will totaly forget me. True or not ty for some reply
How about if the rs was actually not long term (10 months) but it was real quick, like got through the honeymoon and power struggle phases so fast and actually reached engagement?
Good morning! I have a question. What if they Individual has been through sexual violence and all of the above Pushes you away from wanting them to heal blocks you unblocks you watches you on fb, but still hasn't reached out after I explained that I Loved them but I have to walk away until you're okay Mentally Emotionally & Intellectually.
She came back after blocking me n trying to find someone else, that didn't work to her plan. So she came back just after 2 weeks. Saying I love you always will. Then I went down (long distance) she sabotaged it again then cut me off once again to go find someone else after 2 weeks I don't get it. Can anyone elaborate? She's said don't text her ever again she's done with me n wants to move on so should I. (Think she's saying this cos she's in the infatuation stage with New person) but guessing maybe when that fails she MAY cycle back to me.
@wdrumz 100% over it she's seeing someone else now Good luck to him. Her emotional unavailable behaviour will again sabotage it down the line. She can't self regulate her emotions when triggered to she pulls away to protect herself
@@danwilliamson1846 emotionally unavailable people need to sort them selves out before getting into relationships but glad you're out of it living your best life 🙌
@@danwilliamson1846 facts man! It's so super for us to be self aware so these patterns don't repeat over and over. I'm an Anxious Preoccupied working hard to becoming Secure.
There’s something really incongruent in this video. @5:20 starts talking about the DA thinking that they’re just hurting during the boomerang effect, then the video starts talking about clear communications on boundaries as if there’s an agreement to get back together?
I believed for about six months he's a DA because of his behavior, and lack of communication, so that was my explanation and finally I found out he uses drugs. Obviously is just a drug addict.
when returning some belongings DA stretched contact out over 3 months, saying DA was busy and asked me to arrange posting it. I told DA that I'm not responsible for DA's stuff and I'll keep it for 2 months more then I'll be throwing it away. DA came the next day to collect. So DA DID have time to come over and I felt that DA lied. When DA came to the door I was polite but DA was rude snatched the belongings and walked off. I can't tell if DA is hurt or doesn't care?
It's not that literal as everyone is complex and multifaceted. You want someone who doesn't put in effort? you have to ask yourself if you were compromising and making all the adjustments. If so, why would they change?
A lot of times they do coaches talk about that a lot the thing is this don't you reach out it makes them loose attraction for you.If they reach out respond if not work on yourself this is what we do we level up.
@@dannywholuvhappened to me too, I reached out and he said he doesn’t want to talk to me because he’s with someone else. Not worth it, just forget about them.
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So basically as soon as they’ve had enough of the “relationship life”, they begin to shut down and then abruptly abandon they're partner. Then when you come back, they expect to start over from scratch as though the previous time never existed. This is because the last time around was getting too close to a “progression stage” which they will never want to fully commit to. This way they get to benefit from the honeymoon phase again without having to address any issues. If they're partner begins to express their needs or concerns of the relationship, they will simply abandon them again. 👍Amazing form of passive abuse.
@anniiKn
Exactly my experience. Full recoil as we approached progression stage, 15 mos into the relationship with NO conflict and harmonious as well!
But I don't think it's a smooth ride for them either - an internal war between feelings and fears would be raging!
That's exactly how it goes, and it does feel abusive. You will lose yourself trying to keep up with them. In the end, you start to realize they will never be able to give you what you want or need anyways. No matter how great the good times are, winter is always just around the corner.
On point 😮😅
My 1.5year relationship was harmonious also, but not letting me in was abusive. It was breadcrumbing at its finest. You have to see it for what it is, dysfunctional and disappointing. Question these behaviours and your dumped.
Yep it's exactly how my relationship has been for 6 yrs. It was perfect til we almost got married so about 3 yrs in then ever since then he breaks up when we get close it's hell.
I was with a DA for 4 years. He pushed me away, and we broke up. 6 weeks later he came back full of remorse, we worked on our relationship for 4 more months, started going to therapy, happy again. In that stage, I caught him cheating on me. Never again.
Mine was texting another married guy while we dated and she got upset when I said it was inappropriate. Her male friends where people she'd been with or wanted to. Drove me crazy. Then she left me for being too needy and got into another relationship weeks later. Left me traumatised.
Hope you are okay.
@@droflivelife hope it gets better secure people are worth all the pain leave find someone you can heal and grow with..after 2 years of my break up with a DA i met my Fa partner and the love and respect we have made me soooo grateful i left..he's a very loving man..he also left a DA ex..we both are healing each other we are not recreating the pain we went through ever
He may have been a narcissist.
@@lauraoliver525that's what I wondered as well. But maybe have used the affair to disconnecting too.
The part I don't follow is where you have a discussion with the DA about what went wrong, boundries and such. How can you have an adult discussion like that, when they will get triggered at any sign of pointing out something that didn't work from their end, or setting boundries. The DA sets boundries and breaks them, they make the rules as they go, everything happens on their terms or else it's cold treatment, ghosting, gaslighting or some other form of silent treatment.
Yes yes yes!!! Everything you wrote is so TRUE 😒
Yeah….mine discarded me via text and when I asked her politely even just for a “debrief” so that I could work on myself and my own flaws moving forward, she gave me the typical “I couldn’t have asked to be treated any better than you treated me” followed by a “it’s me, not you” cliche.
The whole thing of “people only accept the love they think they deserve” is BS because that would be like if you left your job because they “paid you too much money.” Makes absolutely zero sense and I really don’t believe it for a second
@@replaygeorge you cant have that conversation, its off limits 😑. I tried and it was seen as a personal attack / analysing her. She chose to end it on the spot citing we have nothing in common and 'i cant love you the way you want'
I will tel you whoever experience break up now you will be okay soon. Been there! I thought i cannot get through the pain and longing.. I was stuck by the memories.. It was a long journey for me (10months) to accept and let go of my man that mean the world to me.. And i am in the situation right now that i don't want him to comeback. Looking forward for my next relationship and for sure a healthy one.. Break up gives you a plenty of lessons and reflections to be secure and strong.
Pray for the Healing of everybody 🙏
yes that pain..going 6 months now...heal me Lord coz im tired thingking of him..i want my piece of mind..my happiness...
@@MarilynGarcia-ht4zw You will be okay, Ive been there. 5 yr relationship ended i was in Denial for almost 6 months and keep bargaining. But he did not reach out. I DEcided to cut him totally in my life for my well being and never contact him again. I lost myself in a relationship he was a controlling ex and manipulative, i thought he just love me so that he doesn't like this, that, those.etc..
I'll promise you dear you will be okay soon, try to meet new friends, join some activities make your time occupied.. Now almost a year of the split and8 months of no contact i feel better, sadness, longing and confusion hit me sometime but i know it is a part of the healing process. If ever my ex will comeback i will never ever accept him anymore. Never! I feel sick in my stomach if i remember his face.
Dismissive Avoidants are emotional manipulator and should be avoided at all costs if you want a healthy relationship in your life.
Ooh no! Dodge that bullet at all costs. The only worthwhile thing to do if the DA wants to reunite is tell them to go heal their attachment style and come back once they're completely secure. I mean, unless you just love totally one-sided relationships. Even having boundaries and talking about what didn't work is NOT- in my experience- enough for them to change anything.
This
🤷♂️🥺😢
I’m laughing because you are correct!!! Don’t just say what you need to do, go do it!!!!
Which is the challenge. They fail to do what needs to be done.
If you reconnect then start really slow, with boundaries on your investment and level of interaction...they need to earn the next stages by continuing the work you both agree is needed. It's so easy to end up slipping back to the old pattern if you drop your guard. Obviously you need to keep working on your healing too (either way it's worth doing).
I can confirm as dismissive avoidant this is 100% dead on. I unknowingly repeated this cycle so many times and took me a long time to understand what was happening.
Well I hope you stopped bc it’s very painful for those who believe it’s going to change and are trying to move on with their life only for you to return as they are healing to do this again
How was your attitude after the breakups? Did you be like "I don't want relationships at all"
Same here. I never knew, I just thought I wasn’t relationship material or if I got into a relationship it would all go away, boy was I wrong. It has haunted me in every relationship until recently. I ruined a perfectly secure attached person because of my attachment style. The breakup is really affecting me, making me see every angle like I’ve never seen before. It’s changing me. It’s forcing me to dig deeper than I have before and find out what made me this way.
@@ddarlin86how long ago did u break up?
Have you ever reconnected with an ex and tried again?
Just had my first experience with a DA, and every 4 months, she tries to break the ice, as if no stonewalling happened. Now that she's seen me train in the gym, with 2 other women, she stares us down, from across the gym. Honestly, just don't try to engage a DA, if you value your sanity, and your time, specially if you're a secure attacher. It will be very frustrating, and confusing. Even if you think you can find an angle, that you can use, to slowly start breaking down the walls, it will feel like another catalyst, that will make things worse. Just find someone else.
It’s almost exactly the 6w mark! 😂 I’m secure now but was DA for much of my life & still lean avoidant. For the 1st month or so a lot of us barely notice the breakup. It’s like being on vacation tbh. But then around 2mo or so it gets real
So, personally, what would you do around that 2 month point? Would you start breadcumbing? Did you ever get back with anyone, or would you have gotten back if they were still interested?
Finally a healed DA I can ask! Can you please tell me something? When you healed your DA stuff, did you become more optimistic in life? Are you more jolly & expressive now? I really need to know if those things really do shift. Please and thank you 🙏
5:38 I checked if he was and he wasn't 😢 He said he was open to learning about self-development but I the 3 months I allowed myself to devote on recommunication with him and he didn’t take the initiative to learn about his DA or my FA, he used seeing other women as a distancing factor between us and it worked... 😢 for ME. I'm grateful he was open to at least talking a bit, however guarded, sporadic, surface-level, silent treatments and cut off😢
I'll just be the Phantom Ex from here. Hes a special guy but not special enough to appreciate a love like mine or to share my special family.
Thank you all for your support of the channel and being with us on your healing journey!
I would love for you to create another video on the topic of: Losing people as a result of becoming secure.
I have found that some friendships seem to fall away, dating changes (folks flee or don't feel attraction where they previously have), and it can lead to a very peculiar flavour of isolation. Finding compatibility with other people feels more complex now, and there is a kind of grief for those left behind.
I would love this!
Very true. The more you know the more complex it seems. Our society doesn't help. Seems people are so judgmental and full of resentment. I feel that is due to the way we now live. We dont need our neighbor to survive so we can treat him or her accordingly.
Could not agree more. Used to be in so many longterm friendships and relationships and the more I’ve become secure, less and less
Thank you soo much!! I am just out of an 11 month situationship (makes sad to view it that way - but true) with a DA. It was in and out for that time and, now, I have to stand in my strength to give space which was very (and is) hard to do. This detailed advice is incredible during this time. I will help me be strong and I will listen again and follow these steps in moving forward. I feel grateful for the work that you do because it has helped me so much over the last few years! It’s a gift you have! Thank you 🙏 ❤
Has anyone else noticed that the pros are always much more optimistic than the comments from people who have actually been in a relationship with the DA??? 🤔🤔🤔
Because the reality is that they’re actually narcissists and leave a trail of victims because of their “trauma”. Nobody else gets a pass to treat people like absolute waste because of their traumas like avoidants do.
@@brotherthelonius7141 I can tell you that I haven’t been treated that way, but you just don’t know what to do with them, what to say to them. For me right now we haven’t communicated in almost 2 weeks and I just don’t know whether I should be the one to reach out or not, what to say. Does he want me to?? Or just leave him alone? What about Valentine’s Day? Is that the worst possible day? I can tell you one thing for sure: he’s amped up my anxiety. And I’m secure attachment. 😥
False hope money make machine.
The real experts all say the same other thing. These online fake coaches promote abuse.
They wont change. They are abusive. Let them!
Not worth it
I’ve never had anyone come back because I always make it clear that I don’t tolerate any bullshit and a lot of men are full of it.
I think DAs want to stay in the honeymoon stage. Thats why many have experienced DAs leaving suddenly as the relationship progressed.
And then, they may entertain coming back after a period of time as it will feel like honeymoon stage again!
I was with DA girl for 1 year, we lived together. Then it became little bumpy and started to pull away, ewentually she moved out. I went no contact. After 3 weeks she came back, telling me that maybe we should 'pick up' each other again. Like what? After all of that?
And relationship wasn't boring, we had great romance
Exactly!
10 years! She abruptly left me four months ago. I’m still in shock. All she told me is she was bored and wanted a new relationship. How nice for me!! The crazy thing is I still miss her.
Sorry for the pain you have gone through, I feel you.
My wife of 10 years, the mother of our 5 years old, left ubruptly after weird a few moths of silence treatment inspite of me trying to engage her, we were trying for a baby until the week she left, she was lying now I know!
She stayed in touch for the first 3.5 months of separation... Spending time here and there with our son.. But didn't allow us to talk about our break up. Went to three counsling sessions, she is not hopeful and does not have energy she says! She is seeing someone much older than her 2 months after she left, maybe before even who knows, she denies seeing someone. It's 5 moths in now. .. We engaged lawyers for separation, I still love her and miss her, getting better though. I tell myself it's trauma, she is a good person, I still kind to her and validating... How do you feel at this stage if I may ask.
Don't blame yourself for missing her, 10 years is a long time and it takes a while to heal, especially if it's out of the blue. Don't dismiss your feelings
The label she gave me is narcissistic, she think I am a narcesit, which hurts big time and I took tests and asked my psychologist who disagreed. That's why she is cutting me out following the guidance of all those videos online.. As if a dismissive need further encouragement to cut me out fully. I am no angle and I have issues that I took accountability for but this label is harsh it leaves no room for reconciliation. I think it is well over but the little bit of hope is painful...
Thanks for replying and best wishes to you too.
Were there no signs or red flags in those ten years?
Not judging, just curious. What would you recommend your younger self to look out for?
@@sashar5646many of us are guilty of ignoring red flags
I believe DAs can experience the boomerang effect in dating-stage relationships, too. I dated one briefly and they ended it quickly when a trigger came up. We still work together, though, and I always catch them staring at me. I believe they regret dumping me but won't admit it. We recently talked on the phone for hours and they've shown other subtle signs they still like me. It's so confusing.
Watch out , they could be in a relationship or some sort of other situation and using you as a distraction
Hey Thais, you have helped me so much. My DA broke up with me in 2020. I really loved him, but his on and off nature was a real turn off for me. I was clear I couldn’t be friends with him because I was deeply in love with him. He reaches out every year to me and has a new partner who is insecure about their relationship and will harass me online about her insecurities. I’m not sure why he continues to contact me when he had moved on to someone else and I respected his decision and married someone else. It’s completely mind boggling. I don’t know what the intentions are with him continuing to reach out when all I did was respect his decision to not continue our relationship.
He contacts you because the limits you put were not clear enough. He might still "love you", but it is very possible that he is using you and the bond you have. DAs tend to pretend to be open and available to their exs. My DA had his exgirlfriend (7 years relationship) as a favorite contact in his phone. He said that they were still friends. Later, I discovered that, in fact, she did not want any contact with him. He used her phone contact as a strategy to make me feel jealous. I never felt jealous because I have secure attachment style. The relationship lasted 3 - 4 months because I could see he was unavailable in many ways. I blocked him from Whatsapp. TH-cam is the only RRSS I use. So, I decided to be in no contact forever. What a bore his unavailabilty was for me!!
Phantom Ex. Have you watched videos on that? You married someone else so you're "safe", the fantasy for all the underlying thoughts (emotions) he can't figure out how to heal because he has core wounds he's got to work on before any relationship will ever be healthy
Lol. His contact list is long girl. Every now and then he contacts one of his ex's for an ego boost, or you could say positive reinforcement. Grow up. Don't be a doormat.
Learning about myself is absolutely killing my ego. I cannot live like this anymore but it all seems a little too much to even try and sort.
You got this! You are doing the work and you will heal, just keep doing the work!🩵🫂 I've become secure and my good friend who had a full on DA-A has become secure after 1-2 years of committing to get to know oneself, it's having major positive effects on our lives, all from work, family relations, friendships, hobbies, romantic life.. I'm telling you as much as letting go of your hyper-independence might scare you, it's SO so bright & worth it on the other side! And there's a lot of people in PDS with DA-A who can confirm this!!
I think i was in a situationship possibly and although it was vary powerful to me / lots of conflicting/ confusing things said and done and it was a very short period, im still very greatful she came into my life and shared with me. It does hurt that it seems to be no more but im greatful for her.
The things you are teaching are the most important thing to me.
I am going to try to absorb and understand them.
Boomerang for sure.
Nip it in the bud. It goes around and around if you let it. I did.
Finally I put up boundaries after telling him everything that I needed to say to him. It was over a text after he left me. I focused and worked on myself. Found my own joy. He went back to the interfering Ex. He found out what life was really like after he married her.
Fast forward, he returned regretting what he had done.
I refused any and all discussion of what needed to be changed, bc I was so incredibly hurt by him and his actions and could not figure out what I actually did to him. It's been a slow process of him trusting me and opening up to me.
I don't recommend anything I did except putting up boundaries and finding your joy and loving and working on yourself. Let them go Heal themselves while you Heal yourself.
Can we get a video about dismissive avoidant in regards to a divorce? I feel like that’s different than a regular relationship breakup.
I am in this right now. He doesn't miss me doesn't have feelings, he distract himself, he said he wants to forget everything and feel good..
Worst than strangers.
I knew he never cared for me or treasured sour time together. It was meaningless to him. No attachment, no feeling. Unhuman.
Heal my dear, these avoidants are unhuman, it's not our fault. We are lovable
Do you think they might have been Narc rather than pure DA? DAs do care and have feelings they just are too scared & have low emotional resilience awareness too. But this sounds more like someone ice cold the whole time. Hope you're healing either way.
@@emilyb5557 yes, you spot it well. I didn't know much about narc back then, but recently found out he is a covert narc.
After what I believed was a really serious relationship, talking marriage kids, lived together, she moved on with another guy weeks later after leaving me out of the blue. I bet she already had something planned with this guy during the relationship with me. Doubt I'll hear from her. I'll be traumatised for years.
I know how difficult and painful that feels, but I would encourage you to reconsider assigning a timeframe to your trauma….be open to the idea that you could heal faster
I think the DA i was with for 3 years has been experiencing some of this. I can tell through his social media activity he goes between missing me and being an ass about it. I’m an FA and it’s hard for me too. It’s for the best but our relationship filled needs for us both.
He's DA leaning FA, while I'm FA leaning AP.
I love him and I know he loves me too, but there's a pattern when it comes to feelings. He goes hot, which makes me go hot, then he turns cold two weeks later and "breaks up". Apparently wanting to see your partner more than 2-3 times a month is expecting too much and that makes him feel bad BC he hates disappointing people. He's not doing it for my sake, he's doing it because he's terrified of being abandoned and because he's already made two huge changes in his life in less than 2,5 years. I was doing fine when we were just friends, before he gradually became hotter and suddenly revealed that he loves me and always have (5,5 years). Then we both made bad choices based on trauma and we're basically not talking since over 3,5 weeks. A couple of messages with no real meaning. I've told him we can't be together (after the breakup), but that I want to be friends. Not sure how a DA reacts when you tell them we only work as friends.
You’re not going to like what I say, but if you want this relationship to have any real chance, you need at least 6w no contact. Preferably 3mo. As a former DA now secure, I can promise u that back & forth every few weeks is destroying w/e connection u have. It’s convincing him it’ll never work. Plus, now u told him u only work as friends… but u clearly want more & you’re expecting him to respond to that? 😂 I’m not being critical I’m just pointing out that’s typical FA behavior of pushing him away when u want him to chase. Yr DA prob isn’t gonna chase anytime soon. If he does, then I guarantee he isn’t a DA, all the games & stress has turned him anxious
With 3mo no contact I think you’ll likely decide he can’t meet your needs. But if you still want him back & he hasn’t reached out, you can send a meme or some innocent outreach like a work question or restaurant recommendation (but it’s gotta make sense, don’t quiz him on a random topic or it’ll seem fake & desperate). He will almost certainly reply even just out of curiosity & then u can rebuild attraction slowly from there. Hopefully at that point he knows whether he wants to hangout more than 3x per month. If not, u should just look for someone else
@@scarletsletter4466what would u suggest if its been 5 weeks and my DA has now monkey branched to a new person 😢
I loved the explanation of boomerang effect and the point about boundaries!
i have a suggestion for a video: i've noticed that sometimes people will learn they have psychological issues, yet instead of working on them, they use them as a shield, an excuse to get away with unhealthy behavior. "oh, did i violate your boundaries? well, i have this issue. was i mean to you? see, i have this problem - thereby making it okay."
i'd like to get Thais' take on that.
Yep the guy that was sending me mixed messages for nearly four years constantly used his ex’s suicide (they were separated for a year when it happened) as a reason he was treating me terribly. He’d say one thing and then his actions showed another. He’d manipulate the use of boundaries…by saying “boundaries are healthy” and then implement rigid boundaries that just shut down healthy communication.
@@brianhill6842that’s a tough situation tbf. I’m not making excuses for him, but I lost a partner in a car accident & it made me a DA for much of my life. So I kinda understand yr ex’s position. That said, it’s prob best to walk away from someone in that state bc we aren’t emotionally available if that makes sense
@@brianhill6842 this is precisely what i am talking about. i very much understand that people have issues, which can affect them deeply - that was a given in my post; however, that does not justify them treating others badly, while using the knowledge of said issues as a justification.
@@scarletsletter4466 he took his life in July 2019. They separated in March of 2018. They both had cheated on one another in their six year relationship. I bring this up because he told me I would never have what they had and they had an amazing relationship. I had always been patient, and supportive over the years and figured he’d need years to grieve so I always kept my distance. He’d always text me, FaceTime me or sext me when he wanted attention. Then he’d start telling me he is emotionally damaged and doesn’t want to hurt me but he kept engaging with me creating a connection. I asked if I could spend time with him again and he said “I don’t know” and for seven months he just kept stringing me along, yelling at me, insulting me because I kept asking what has changed??? He blocked my phone number on May 5 yet still stays on my social media. It’s kind of like “here I am, you can see me but you won’t be able to talk yo me” which is painful. Not sure what to do. It’s been 3 months.
@@adamwood87 I agree with you 💯. It used to be if someone treated you bad people supported YOU. Their friends and family may also have said, “don’t you think you’re being a little harsh or unreasonable?” But today they say things like, “well we weren’t officially anything so he shouldn’t be upset” as a way to justify their horrible treatment of someone else. They lack accountability and empathy.
The DA I was dating was so nice the first month. He continued to be nice but without showing "feelings" anymore. After 3 months he started pulling away, but kept sending messages everyday. All day long. Calling me. Until he said he was feeling something strange and needed time. Kept calling and messaging everyday all day. Until one day I said we needed to talk because we didnt see each other for 2 weeks and that was a bad situation. He changed completely. He said he didnt know how to explain what he was feeling and seemed overwhelmed. Now its been 2 days he barely talks to me.
Hard stuff.
Sounds more FA than DA.
So similar to my story. My DA was very nice the first month, we started a relationship, he pulled away the second month, but he kept calling me every day, we were together every weekend but acting more as a friend, not like a boyfriend. He said he felt a "weird vibe", that something was off but he had feelings for me but dumped me at the 2 months mark and disappeared. It's been 3 months, he vanished.
Did he ever come back? My FA bf just did the same
Any update? Did he reach out?
@@Ckyt572 sounded like mine, except he was texting everyday instead of calling. was very nice and sweet and even got me flowers twice especially the first month-ish. At the 2 months mark, I asked him directly how he felt about me after being annoyed by his hot/cold behavior, he said he felt no spark, no emotional connection. he said I felt like a very good friend to him and then called it a break. it sucks. we knew the sparks and feelings are there but they wouldn't admit them
Is there a way to identify these types of people before it gets serious haha? Like im thinking this aint it lol
I dont see DA as evil. I love my ex but can say that she is a good person but so wounded that it is an emotionally expensive relationship that has a high probability of not overcoming the obstacles. None of us are perfect but so much limbo over the years to suddenly end as mine did. Should I ever encounter another DA I will show up differently and require/ request frequent "relationship audit" and signs of the needle moving. I am not loaded with resentment. It is brutal to end as mine did. Then is the grief and concern over another so hurt that they do as mine did. You or rather I didn't stop loving her. Just dont know who she really is. DA are not bad people but one needs to be aware that they have a strong possibility of ending in the manner so documented.
Thank you for this comment.
Reading other people's comments on here makes me feel even more damaged and shamed, but yours offers understanding.
@@Crescent_Moon_Risingunderstanding the question is half of the answer, understanding the problem is half of the solution. These are coping mechanism and attachement style not you. Keep at it. We are all on a self discovery journey, mine started after my DA wife of 12 years left suddenly and convinced herself I am a narcist. Instead of watching videos about complex traumas she is watching videos about dumping and never coming back to the narcesit, extra hurtful. My heart has been shattered and I am healing. I try not to be resentful and understand she has childhood traumas, i don't think she is even looking at that. 7 months of break up and I just started to get better.
Its a hard journey to heal but we all need a level of it.
Im 23 now, my ex is 21. I was the DA, she was the FA, three and a half years down the line roles switched, and i got even more anxious when she left me…
Now discovering attachment styles theory, and the trauma i have unaddressed, i hope time will do the work now i am giving her the space she needed
❤ good on you for doing the work and giving her the space too. Hope you are finding healing
If they’re not doing the healing work, then returning is out of anxiety, not love.
Psychologically broken..you cant fix what they wont address..Walk a2ay from their problems!
Have you experienced this? Does this ring true for you? Comment below!
Thais, I have a question about this: my ex (DA) left me (an FA) a year ago- we have a 6 y/o son and our relationship was 9 yrs. The whole year since he left has been up and down, reconciling/unsure and he seems to finally have decided to end the 'situationship' it became. Where's the relationship's end for him- last year or two weeks ago?
How do you respond when they do come back after a few months and not want to discuss anything that happened and go back to how things were? I don’t want to scare him away but I want to talk about things and he isn’t ready.
So in step 2, you mentioned how both parties have to make sure they’re willing to do the work to make things work for the best.
My DA girlfriend left me about a month ago on the dot, citing she was going to therapy to “understand what secure attachment feels like” and basically if she’s capable of changing to a more secure attachment style. She also never gave me true closure (in typical DA style) and rather gave me a SUPER vague “if we are meant to be together, the universe will find a way to put us together.” For the record, we only dated for about 3 months, but I would say we were well past the “dating stage” as she was spending the night at my house regularly, opening up to me about childhood trauma and even trauma with a previous decade of toxic, borderline abusive relationships. She regularly told me how much I meant to her, how well I treated her, how she’d brag to her friends about how good I was to her and how safe and protected and “seen” I made her feel. Given the fact that she’s proactively at least making an effort to change her attachment style and that she didn’t slam the door on me and on top of all that, I handled the breakup incredibly well, haven’t called or texted her or blown up her social media (I actually deactivated all mine) and I went NC pretty much immediately, do you think I have any semblance of a chance of rekindling with her? Again, I’m off social media, but friends have told me she’s definitely in her “separation elation” phase, posting on her stories nonstop, which she was hardly ever on social media while we were dating and now she seems to live on it.
How about DA’s and divorce? Been with my DA-leaning partner for almost 9 years and married for almost 2. Just over a month ago he told me he’s “done trying” and wants a divorce without any discussion allowed. I’m really struggling to accept it and am hoping he’s going to come back but I don’t want to hold on if it’s not going to happen
Wow--similar story here. Together 6 years, married 13 months, and he abruptly tells me one day he can't do it anymore. Leaves. Literally ghosted and its been 3 years and I have not seen him since. At the one year mark I learned hed started dating right away and they were engaged already. I feel confident that whatever was up wasn't just DA-ness. So sorry for what you're going through.
Yes I would.. if the AP could also identify that they have issues too. It wasn't all one sided.
Thank you for saying this. Very true. I’m a FA not AP, but I show up very AP in the relationship with my DA partner. I find when I take honest responsibility for my actions and feelings & admit when I’m acting bananas because I’m triggered things work much more smoothly. I never want my partner to think anything is “his fault” because it’s not, we fuel each other’s bulls*it.
@katymello3547 Agree 😅 I'm still FA but the AP side came out with my ex-DA but I am FA and lean DA when dating my FA. It's my BS but it's empowering to be able to see my destructive patterns and know that with a willing partner (my FA not my ex-DA) we can understand each other, heal together and grow stronger. If not, I'm still heading towards secure and benefitting everyday. I'm going to try the break up course at PDS and vlog that.
Can't wait to see my man again. I know he's dismissive but I love him. This is our first big fight and we haven't talked in a while, but... I'm going to be like that open arms song when he comes around! And do it right, communicate and compromise.
run
It's been 5 weeks of agreed no contact between both of us (we agreed to 6-8 weeks). He deactivated over and over again right from the beginning - he is leaning fearful avoident due to a past toxic relationship but I believe he is DA by nature.
What I want to know is - how do I get rod of the feeling that he is the one? I'm 33 and I never had this feeling before.
We never fought, we have the same interest, our time together was always lovely and great. But he was so guarded that he couldn't develop the feelings he wanted to develop for me. He said he stayed because our values are so align and he has some sort of feelings but not enough for an actual future with me.
So I ended it because after 5 month I couldn't allow him any longer to hurt me emotionally on that level. It just isn't fun when someone questions their romantic feelings for you over and over again.
It's just really difficult because on paper it should have worked. But he simply wasn't ready and I feel like I never had a real chance.
How to let go of a FA? 😢
Do all the tips in these shorter videos on becoming a Secure attachment. I promise it feels easier as you head towards secure. Do the meditations when the feelings are overwhelming or you feel like reaching out to tell FA your feelings instead tell your journal ❤ I wish you luck and peace as you make your way thru the courses.
Very similar situation here! Just ended on 6 months as of not moving to next stage and one sided emotional closeness. Felt more like a close friendship really. Now l am asking, how l convinced myself that l deserve to be with someone who is not sure and who is always guarded. If you are anxious leaning like me, we have a hard time seeing our value and deep abondenment fears. Hence we usually cling on, even if there is not a real emotional bond to cling on! Wishing you strength. I believe that the moment we choose ourselves, universe opens other doors.
Almost same story. Key word "feelings not enough", "not as he wanted", this ROCD turmoil as another deactivation strategy was so painful, even if I was much more secure than before. One can only take so much uncertainty and at the same time, the signs that there is love. The solution for me was no contact. He broke it several times over 1.5 year. Only to give me false hope, as he disappeared each time. He was still as volatile after the break up. The last time he reached out, it seemed more vulnerable and nostalgic, praising the good memories and the love I gave him, probably wanting to see me, but he was still not taking accountability for hurting me, or anything apologetic. More like "it didn't work out" that rubbed me the wrong way. I decided to ignore the messages and call. It's been months, he hasn't tried again since.
For me now, only a heartfelt apology, would show me he has grown and it is worth re opening that door. If not and it's a casual and even warm contact, I consider it a breadcrumb with selfish purposes (getting some validation, relief..). It's been a challenge to resist but I don't want to be treated as an option and unappreciated.
@@MissSarahGM l think Thais also explains it in some of her videos, FA folks have problem with vulnerability and apology/taking accountability also go into the box. We need to ask ourselves: do we want a future with people who disapper easily? Life is hard, l want someone to stay around. But obviously my subconscious must be disagreeing with me. Heartbreaks can teach us lessons that otherwise we dont learn:(
@@komakino0 Yes there are explanations to any behaviour, or at least hypothesis.. However, if we know what we want and deserve, and we don't want to crap fit and be codependent, we need to set our standard. I know I want a mutual relationship where we appreciate one another, and put in the work. It starts with acknowledging when damage and hurt was caused. If it stays unaddressed how there could be any change? Plus we would become enablers and participate in the toxic dynamic. My only hope is by showing him I have changed, he feels the loss and that causes him to change. It's not easy but it's also showing myself I can be stronger and resist the spell. It was like an addiction. Just being in his arms, I would forget all the turmoil and uncertainty.
Exactly, the fact he could do what he did is the problem, he was deactivated for at least 5 months after the break up, that's not a mistake.. He really believed he was better off without me.. Only when I stopped being available did he start trying indirect moves to make me pursue I suppose..
I was with my DA for only a few months but we definitely developed a strong emotional connection before they got triggered and pulled away and tried friend zoning me and eventually I went into no contact..2 months now..its my first time in a situation like this so idk what will happen, I am working on myself and its hard because I know they had strong feelings but each day I tell myself to fully move on and I'm slowly getting there.
12 weeks since my breakup. Haven’t heard anything from her in 6 weeks. I think its over
✨I'm not sure if you have a video on this... I think it would be neat to see a video on people with avoidance styles who choose commitment, but to people who might be mean or unloving to them. Maybe there are kids involved. Instead of them going towards true love and vulnerability, they'll commit wholeheartedly to a situation that isn't good for them because it's not "dangerous".
My x did that - rebounded literally in days to my "friend" was purposely copying me in everything and she got pregnant right away on purpose. He lost his dream woman. I even was open to forgiving him and trying. And I did my best but it was just a mess. His boundaries were awful and I hope one day he chooses healthy love.
@@VenusTransmissionswow that’s awful. I hope you were able to forgive them but also move forward to people who treat u better. ❤
My ex DA was like this as well, mainly gravitating towards women that didnt commit or had multiple other partners and werent interested in a monogamous relationship. He gave so much of himself to those types of relationships while walking away from me who wanted a committed and exclusive relationship. I honestly believe he liked the thrill of the chase and he lost interest once i wanted more, when i chose to give only what was valid to me, like honesty and commitment, it turned him off, he onlywanted what he couldnt have. Everything else to him was easy, pleasant and without challenge.
@@asmallbitchybanana In the x's case his consciousness couldn't handle unconditional love - it brought up all his trauma. I know it is something that still cuts him up. Nothing worse then being caged. by your own demons. Its all a learning and growing process for us all. 💜
@@VenusTransmissionsyes youre right. He couldnt handle it.
Can I share a poem I wrote about my bf and my dynamic and how I’m a gf who is very much so attached and he’s avoidant I’m kind of embarrassed cus it’s so vulnerable but one of your videos helped me see his perspective better and I feel like you’d appreciate it
Please yes!!! I would absolutely love to read it and I’m sure others too. We’re all feeling similarly ❤️
Yes do
Would love to read!
You’re so freaking smart
So interesting ! Thank you Thais 💛 i am a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive, my last partner was way more anxious than i was, and i noticed the pattern you describe, that after 2 months i naturally reached out, like almost out of the blue even to myself 😳 and it worked amazing on the 1st date, but the 2nd and 3rd dates were catastrophic and i ended up shutting down once again... i know i won't go back to this relationship anymore...
Please see a therapist who understands attachment styles..
U are a God-send, Thais!!!
Ok, so this is all well and good when the DA dumps you on their own terms. But what does the DA go through when you decided to not take their dysfunctional and delusional neglect anymore and you decided to dump the DA after what was becoming an LTR (9mo)? Now THAT'S a question I'd love to see answered.
I broke up with My DA in January because I was sick of him well….being a DA. At the 6 week mark I was really missing him and reached out. We had been together for over two years and I was regretting the breakup. When I initially broke it off with him he told me he would never chase me or beg for me to come back. At the 6 week mark he responded back when I reached out and said to me ‘it’s funny that your reaching out now-especially when I have been struggling so much this past week’
We worked through some things ONLY communicating for the first 3 weeks after we reconnected. He kept me at arms length because he was so riddled with anxiety. We saw each other FINALLY and committed to seeing each other a few times a week. Communication was not as it was before the breakup-and I didn’t try to push quickly. After a brief reuniting for weeks he couldn’t handle the ‘pressure and drama’ and then told me I was the love of his life, we have an amazing connection and could we just be friends?
Moral of the story: when we dump the DA they do not feel in control. It creates a lot of anxiety in them and in order to fix and problems in a relationship they need to be vulnerable. Most DA’s will avoid vulnerability at all costs. Also their biggest fear is rejection, so if we were the ones to initiate the breakup getting them to trust us again is a slow slow crawl. I knew my guy loved me but he did not feel in control after I broke it off with him the first time-he was in a constant state of anxiety which made him feel very vulnerable. They avoid feeling that way even if it’s at the cost of loosing you. Mine sat in a lot of discomfort and pain the second time around and it’s been almost 16 weeks NC. I hope this helps.
My guess is they ain't come back unless you make it very very clear the door is open if they do some healing. But you are really right it's a good question and Thais has said past a certain point DAs are actually quite unlikely to break up compared to the FA/AP. I'll ask Thais to do a video on this at the next webinar. They do often do requests!
My DA ex broke up with me every 6 months, like clockwork. 3 times total. Last time she told me she lost feelings and maybe in future it will come back and she will start to miss me. That was painful and kept me waiting in loop. I was emotionally exhausted and couldnt tolerate it anymore. My frustration get out of me and things went bad between us
If a DA broke up with me a year and a half ago, but I continued to stay in contact with him and essentially chased him for 10months, then I went off and on “no contact”, then I asked him to stop breadcrumbing me and only contact me if its important 20 days ago… when you talk about a DA coming back after 3months, does the 3 months start when he initially broke up with me? Or would it start the last time I talked to him (20 days ago)
Or is it too late now because I accepted his breadcrumbs for so long which gave him enough time to get over our 12yr relationship?
As a dismissive avoidant, I’ve never felt so seen
Is there any hope if they start breadcrumbing almost a year later? I’ve been in a lot of pain and he’s been viewing my socials occasionally over the past few months. I refuse to break NC just because of that but it’s been really out of character because he shuts down HARD.
Is it possible for a DA to go into a rebound relationship, to push down their feels for even longer? This is what I'm currently experiencing with my DA ex.
After around 6 months in this rebound relationship, my ex has invited me back into her life, after blocking me out completely for months. I was just moving on when.........
From what I have researched and read about, they will come back to you once you have moved on without them no problem. And the faster the rebound or escape route they took during the breakup, the bigger the compliment to you that they actually loved you or thought you could of been an amazing match. Hence why it scared the shit out of them and they bounced. Self-sabotaging themselves from true happiness. But also typically 2-6 months is the time frame a DA will reach back out and miss you, wanting to try again maybe, etc.
Can you make a video based on your clients experience when DAs usually reach out back. Thanks!
Most of the time a DA won’t reach out within the near term, maybe months later, if u had a longterm serious relationship. As a past DA myself I’d say if u truly want a truly avoidant ex back (& idk why u would), then wait 2-3mo & send an unemotional outreach like a meme or work or other question (but only if it’s realistic; don’t quiz them on a topic u don’t normally have interest in). They’ll prob reply to that, then use it as a springboard to rebuild attraction.
This will probably work, but please consider if u actually want the DA back
@@scarletsletter4466I'm curious. Would a DA reach out months later with a reasonable request. My ex sent me a dispassionate email four months after our breakup. He asked me to call Delta to have a plane ticket that was in my name redirected back to him.
I was surprised he didn't do that months ago. Any future trips we had planned he cancelled the day we broke up. Was this just him forgetting details or was this the DA trying to reach out?
@@scarletsletter4466why wouldn’t they reach out? It’s just a hey how harmful would it be I don’t get it? These folks are really sociopaths 😂
Such a great video again, thank you ❤
Hello to everyone! Can someone help me with an advice. My ex DA girlfriend ask for space just before talking about marriage because she doesn't know what she feels about me. I gave her space for 3 months as she requested. No takling no contacting her. She send me a Happy birthday last 2 days after 3 months.
I want to move on, to be interested in other women's but i still thinking of her. Maybe i need a closure.
Should i reconnect with her to know what is in her mind now or do nothing and just try to forget her?
I like the advice of the man who responded above. I’ll give the woman’s perspective which is the exact same advice: thank her for the bday wishes politely; but nothing more. Move on, focus on yrslf & enjoy meeting new people. This girl didn’t have feelings for u, so she’s not right for u. It’s that simple. She did u a favor of showing u the correct path & now it’s just up to u to follow it ❤
Thais I am falling in love with you and forgetting my ex by watching your videos
Does this also happen when they're not the dumper, but the dumpee?
Thank you so much.
That whole 6 week to 3 month thing is so textbook lmao. What a joke
Slowest and hardest time getting over a breakup longterm?
What if you’re with a disorganized attachment, avoidant leaning during conflict - but overall he’s started going to therapy and learning his attachment style. There have been many improvements!!
But how do you know when you can ask for more? It’s so hard to find the line because he still isn’t great at expressing needs.
I am getting better at recognizing triggers and when to give space. But sometimes (when I’m super stressed) I get anxious and “clingy” which when too prolonged causss the shutdown and “we aren’t together and never will be.”
He has gone weeks without saying this, and being a great participant.
What do I do then? I took responsibility for being overbearing (I truly was - walls of text, etc) and apologized for it.
I am not asking him to come back but hoping he does. Typically he does. I haven’t had this big of a blowup in a long time with him, and especially not since we have been doing better than ever.
Help!!
Thanks!
My dude DA has been going on for months
Do you do one on one counseling?
So maybe i can help me decide i eas with an advoident for 3and ahalf yesrs we he broke it off in may said he couldend do it anymore.wr got along great he was just not emotional. Snyway hr wanted to just in touch on the phone i dident think i couldent do that so broke all co..u ication. Was that ok to do now i feel that he will totaly forget me.
True or not ty for some reply
How about if the rs was actually not long term (10 months) but it was real quick, like got through the honeymoon and power struggle phases so fast and actually reached engagement?
Good morning!
I have a question.
What if they Individual has been through sexual violence and all of the above Pushes you away from wanting them to heal blocks you unblocks you watches you on fb, but still hasn't reached out after I explained that I Loved them but I have to walk away until you're okay Mentally Emotionally & Intellectually.
She came back after blocking me n trying to find someone else, that didn't work to her plan. So she came back just after 2 weeks. Saying I love you always will. Then I went down (long distance) she sabotaged it again then cut me off once again to go find someone else after 2 weeks I don't get it. Can anyone elaborate? She's said don't text her ever again she's done with me n wants to move on so should I. (Think she's saying this cos she's in the infatuation stage with New person) but guessing maybe when that fails she MAY cycle back to me.
Why do you want to be her back up?
It sounds like she might be more borderline level bro. They are really hard to date and work with. Constantly flopping.
@wdrumz 100% over it she's seeing someone else now Good luck to him. Her emotional unavailable behaviour will again sabotage it down the line. She can't self regulate her emotions when triggered to she pulls away to protect herself
@@danwilliamson1846 emotionally unavailable people need to sort them selves out before getting into relationships but glad you're out of it living your best life 🙌
@@danwilliamson1846 facts man! It's so super for us to be self aware so these patterns don't repeat over and over. I'm an Anxious Preoccupied working hard to becoming Secure.
What is the difference between a DA & a Narc lol 😂
Is there a difference? 😒
What about fearful avoidants then?
There’s something really incongruent in this video. @5:20 starts talking about the DA thinking that they’re just hurting during the boomerang effect, then the video starts talking about clear communications on boundaries as if there’s an agreement to get back together?
Yeah only discuss the the clear comm and boundaries stuff if they agree to trying to work on it again.
I believed for about six months he's a DA because of his behavior, and lack of communication, so that was my explanation and finally I found out he uses drugs. Obviously is just a drug addict.
DA are more likely to be addicts too don’t forget that, to cope with their lonely miserable ass lives
😂😂😂
when returning some belongings DA stretched contact out over 3 months, saying DA was busy and asked me to arrange posting it. I told DA that I'm not responsible for DA's stuff and I'll keep it for 2 months more then I'll be throwing it away. DA came the next day to collect. So DA DID have time to come over and I felt that DA lied.
When DA came to the door I was polite but DA was rude snatched the belongings and walked off. I can't tell if DA is hurt or doesn't care?
Prob just annoyed they have to deal with conflict tbh! And can't deal with that healthily
please make louder videos
Not clear who should reach out? Can I expect DA to reach if he broke up with me?
It's not that literal as everyone is complex and multifaceted. You want someone who doesn't put in effort? you have to ask yourself if you were compromising and making all the adjustments. If so, why would they change?
A lot of times they do coaches talk about that a lot the thing is this don't you reach out it makes them loose attraction for you.If they reach out respond if not work on yourself this is what we do we level up.
My ltr DA called it quits after a simple conversation about needs and hasnt reached out in 8 months. They are all different.
@@dannywholuvhappened to me too, I reached out and he said he doesn’t want to talk to me because he’s with someone else. Not worth it, just forget about them.
@@t.6071how long after did you reach out? 2 months?
Hello, why do you talk só fast? You have an international audiênce.
does this include if they rebounded?
ESPECIALLY if they rebounded
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
What if She Checked out during the reltionship, then lined up a back up and dumped me. and moved on right there.
My DA did that , honestly they aren't worth it plenty more fish in the sea