Give the gift of no contact to avoidants who didn't want to make relationship work and expected things to "just be". focus on healing and being best version of yourself 💯
When you love someone so much and they know they are BPD AND a DA … and you also know they are …. It’s painful to not see them healed and be pushed away . It’s almost as bad as the loss of a loved one who has passed on
Yes, we need therapy and coach and self reflection and patience if they are working through it. If you insist on pushing through anyway if they won’t work on it, go slow.
@@amberts180 This is damage from their parents that did not give them emotional support or validation. I am a very patient and kind person but there has to be a baseline of acceptable behavior. I want a partner not a patient. I have a day job. It's enough.
@@chrislim7976 100% agree! I'll add the caveat that all relationships take work and compromise, compassion and grace... and if you don't have strong boundaries in place with an avoidant, they will treat you in a way that isn't ok, and nobody deserves to be treated that way. You must give yourself the permission to leave them as you found them; you can't "fix" people.
This kind of relationship will make you question your worth. Run! And fast. I should have heeded the red flags at the beginning instead of wasting a decade of my life on someone unwilling to offer basic empathy or support.
But thank God you're out of it. It's painful at first, but all the gaslighting and distancing and non-involvement will be easier to say good-bye to every day that goes by...
Sounds like my x now he a narrcisit didn't realize till 5 yrs later no mater if I was sick or someone know died alway about him n his own stuff no empathy
Some relationships don't last, but a relationship with an avoidant is worse: is gonna make you question your worth. No one deserve to be neglected or abandoned. Make yourself a favour and avoid avoidants.
Yes they are like hungry children who only think of their needs. They are innately immature as they are stuck in the childhood trauma. They are not fit for a grown relationship.
Never go back or get involved with a DA especially if you are an anxious attachment style, they can never make you the priority and give you the attention you need, they will continuously trigger you and your life will be a misery.
Anxiously attached people should be actively working to secure attachment, and to the point that this will never matter. Securely attached people would get rid of an avoidant instantly.
@@JohnnyUtah949And we AP people do. It’s easier for us to heal and grow into a secure attachment style. If anything tell that to DA’s they’re the ones who are afraid to commit to self healing. They wouldn’t rather just keep on hurting others and themselves.
A message to any DA reading this: You want to cut things off? Fine. But you do not need to be an a-hole when you do it. Don't lie or cheat. Be kind. Be honest. Show some freaking compassion.
Agreed. Problem is they can't. Showing compassion for their partner they just dumped means accessing their feelings for that person, which they absolutely will not do at the 'discarding' stage. I went through this 2.5 months ago when my wife of 14 years abruptly told me she doesn't think she has feeling for me anymore and cut me off. No tears, no discussion, no emotion of any kind.
Not excusing, but as a DA, our flight or fight mode causes us to go completely numb so that we can do whatever is necessary to soothe, cutting ourselves off from the capacity to be empathetic in those moments
Ifs always the same advice.. an avoidant breaks up with you and the way to deal with it is to get over it.. to move on.. thats the answer(?) in other words: accept that its over. By the time they come back you will have moved on already and they can continue down their viscous cycle of breaking hearts…
Sadly seems to be the answer huh. This is the ONE relatioship you can't fix. Because any effort from the anxious to fix it the avoidant just dismisses. *anxious finally snaps and leaves after being ignored for so long* "How could this happen!?!?!?!?"
My avoidant ex reached out after 3.5 months of us talking a bit after our breakup. Kept saying “well we could be friends”, and we met up after texting a bit and I told him what do you have to offer me? You can’t offer me commitment but you broke up with me and now you still want me in your life. That makes no sense so I told him I can’t talk to you at all.
Congratulations Marie! Never seek or accept friendship from an avoidant ex...he wants to have access to you....while you cant get over him..."eat his cake and have it too"...no no no.
Don’t believe anyone telling you a DA will ever miss you and want to come back. Once you break up with a Da, the “nothingness” you felt in the situationship with them will instantly turn into a complete void, nothing. DA’s never heal, never change, never come back. Just feel lucky that you woke up from the nightmare of being in a “relationship” with such a flawed person and move on, never look back. Don’t waste any more of your valuable time and emotional capital. Thank me later.
I might end up eating my words, but the da in my life ended up telling me that the distance gave him time to think, and that after thinking about me every day for 5 months he just couldn't deny that he was in love with me anymore.
@@lalaurlalala My ex DA checked out late in the relationship and post separation she's fully committed to being alone. Throughout the relationship she struggled to express any true emotion, attachment, appreciation, respect, etc. I had no idea. I'm just seeing all this now.
negative perspective. People are not labels and one size fits all. They are complex and every situation is not black and white. It could be true for some situations but not for all
As much as this can be true for some people, being a DA can also be mixed with different reasons as well. Mine broke up with me because he realized we were getting real and he started to think about himself and his traumas, he didn't want to destroy one's genuine soul by staying with them even if he struggles with it as well. He told me he wasn't ready for love yet and that he has to change in all aspects so that he can finally put up with an anxious partner like me (whom used to be a secure but became an anxious due to his avoidance) so we went out separate ways.. sometimes DA's didn't want to be the way they are but it is their pains and unhealed wounds that drives them that way, and often times they just need way more time to evaluate things than an anxious does, so although I love him to the extent of wanting to fight for us still, understanding why he has to leave brought me comfort and peace because he is striving to be a better person for himself and others, as well as protecting someone like me from being hurt by him. . Still don't know if we can still work things out in the future when we're ready, and have fully grown matured to put up with a long-term commitment, as long as we're both happy despite it being with us or someone else.. I'm good. Really just do need to study one's being that causes them from being who they are, not experience one and assume that goes for everyone else. It's all different and we just gotta have to be firm on our own situation than others' perspective about it.
Focusing on your hobbies and interests after a breakup will ALWAYS put things into the proper perspective. Plus, you'll find that the RIGHT people will start coming into your life as you've opened yourself up for them to enter.
@@LSGO90 creature comforts suggest unhealthy habits such binge watching television or drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Focusing on hobbies and interests actually help your mental clarity and keep you in a mindset of abundance. Thais actually talks about it in several videos on this channel.
@@chrismaxwell1624 true! it's like avoid people completely, it's a lot less work! :D that's exactly how avoidants think in general - "it's a waste of your life to commit to a realtionship" :-) i've had a very close friendship with an avoidant (which ended in pain because.... she's a DA and I'm a FA lol) and it was the closest relationship I've had with anyone. so i would never say that "it's a waste of life" to wait for them. you're either compatible and grow closer or you're simply two people who don't connect at all and try to mold each other into something you're not, which is not a sigh of a healthy relationship...
I treated my avoidant like gold. I loved her with all my heart. Unfortunately, she brought each of her past relationships into our relationship. She told me I didn’t let her in. She met all of my friends and family, I’m still waiting to meet her friends (2year relationship). As soon as I brought up marriage, etc, she changed and couldn’t handle the pressure and anxiety of commitment. Vulnerability - forget about it. She was lost. I suggest not dating man avoidant until they heal themselves.
not willing to meet their friends is a huge red flag. after 6 months of an intense relationship he still wouldn't let me meet his friends and family that he was spending more time with me, even little things like going to the beach or dinners or clubbing and his friends would have their girlfriends there. he kept promising things would change and they never did. finally had to end things after being hidden from his friends and family for 6 months and it sucks.
I'm in the exact same situation... everything was healthy. I navigated things well (in terms of attachment styles). Until the end. We hit our first rough patch after 2 years, when i brought up future goals. She blindsided me. The day after my birthday.... (this past weekend). All things considered, handling it well. Just cold way to end things. Do you have IG?
He jumped right into the next relationship immediately so he didn’t have to be alone. There’s no way he even thinks about the relationship he had with me for 5 years.
not possible lol. your mindset toward that is wrong. 5 years is way too long to just forget their ex. that relationship will certainly not last. stay no contact and build your self confidence back up. get mad at the fact he left you for another girl. you will find yourself moving away from even wanting him back. good luck
@@os3688you nailed this comment good shit please take this advice! & listen to what was said that person is a rebound he’s with and he’s tryna mask his situation but jumping into something without properly healing will crumble
I'm a DA. I have to say to those that are trying to understand why we leave is ....each relationship that started i knew it would eventually end. I never gave 100% of myself to anyone. Makes it easier when the time comes to part ways. It took a serious operation and forced bedrest to come to this realization. As is spoken here, most actions are done subconsciously. Now that i am aware and had months to work through my issues, i face relationships ..all relations not just intimate ones, with my eyes and mind open. The last 5 years ive been a completely different person. Finally free of the torments in my mind.
I'm wondering if the girl I've been dealing with is a "DA"? The full context of the situation I'm dealing with: There's a young (around 19-20 I think) girl who works the front desk at my gym (I'm a bodybuilder). I met her about 6 months ago, before she started working there. We have a lot in common ❤ (gaming, bodybuilding, horror movies, etc.) so I'm interested in getting to know her more. Within the past 2 months we've been talking much more often and SEEMED to be connecting positively. She opened up to me about serious work situations that concerned her (said she has only told people she trust), told me she is studying to become a personal trainer, she seemed very interested in my work, etc. This girl often would record my workouts and spot me. So I made a move by inviting her to start working out with me (sort of like pre-dating) to get to know each other better. She said Yes, but was very busy that week. Then the next week when we were talking I brought it up again: she said "yes let's do it, but not sure which day I can make it. I'll be sure to let you know soon" we even were discussing a leg workout plan that she seemed very excited about (with some flirty vibes). So I said "let's exchange phone numbers so we can plan our workouts" with my phone out. She said "do you have Instagram?" I paused briefly (should I feel offended she didn't trust me with her phone number after talking to her for months, plus us seemingly getting closer?) then I said sure. So we connected on IG messager. That was on Father's Day in June. I told her I was going to check with her Tuesday afternoon to plan a workout for that night. I DM her Tuesday afternoon about the workout. She said "Super Sorry I'm out of town for my sister's sports event, and I don't know when I'll be available. So sorry!" So I said "ok. What sport does your sister play?" I was just trying to have a conversation, not make a big deal of her flaking on our (tentative) plans. She ignored my reply. . . So I waited until Saturday that week and messaged her a playful text "OMG you've been kidnapped haven't you!? don't worry tell them I'll pay your ransom. Hopefully they've been feeding you well? 😜" She replied to that immediately "I've been so so busy still, very sorry. I'm still out of town, but this time for my friends birthday. Yes they've been feeding me well hahaha" Then I sent her a gaming video about something we discussed in person = she ignored that message. So I stopped messaging her, because I'm feeling an avoidant energy from her and it's making me uncomfortable. Then I saw her at the gym finally last Sunday (2 weeks since we made plans and connected on IG) = she flat out avoided me and would not even LOOK AT ME! 🤔😳 The entire 2 hours I was in the gym she was avoiding me, talking to everyone else except me. Not a smile or anything. She even talked to my Mom, but not me! So I'm thinking she must have randomly TURNED ON ME during the 2 weeks she was out of town OR she turned on me the day after Father's Day when we discussed planning a workout? I gave her space (only 2 messages over the 2 weeks) and now she won't even look at me. . . Then the next day I posted photos of my beach 🏖️ night = she was the FIRST one to Like my post = this confused me more! I though she turned on me, wants nothing to do with me. I would have expected her to unfollow and block me. But no, she likes my post after avoiding me in person for 2 hours? Is she signaling "I'm not interested in you at all, take a hint" OR is she playing hot and cold (cold has lasted 3 weeks now) "challenging" me?🤔 Why did she AGREE to workout with me (twice) if she had no intention of doing so? Is there anything I can or should do to salvage this potential relationship or is it just time to forget her and move on? 🤔
@@XGN She sounds as though she likes you as a friend and nothing more and your continued messages pushed her off because "she's really that into you " sounds to me as though she didnt know how to tell you she wasn't feeling it the way you were and you weren't taking the hint by the ignored messages. Her last resort is to ignore you in person. She likes your posts because she like the post. Doesn't have to have anything to do with you. She's probably a very friendly person by nature which you saw as interest. Wait for her to approach you next and dont push at her so hard. I see only friendship as a possibility here. Good luck. I know it's not what you want to hear but it is what it is.
@@tanyam9398 Thank you for honest feedback. If she likes me as ONLY a "friend", why would she frequently give me compliments on my body / physique ("looking GREAT Sean, you have the most Yolked physique in the gym, you're MASSIVE!") and had some flirty banter with me several times over the recent 2 months? When we were talking about her favorite Resident Evil game characters she said "I'm straight I swear, just Ada is an exception!" It seemed like we had some flirty attraction mutually, but you are saying those signals from her were inaccurate? When I invited her to workout with me, why did she AGREE (twice)? But then she would not give me her phone number, only Instagram DMs? 🤔 Are you saying she wanted to workout with me as ONLY friends? Was she thinking of it as a date? I never said it would be a take, but my ex and I did become VERY close by becoming gym buddies first and then together 2 months later = so workouts can be like dating. I invited her to workout with me sort of like pre-dating (I did not say that), a path for us to get to know each other better, then see what happens from there. My messages to her were just follow ups to make a plan to workout, which she said she wanted to do in person. Why would the messages (only 2 messages over 2 weeks) making the plan make her change her mind? 🤔
@@XGNSounds like she wanted to have a friendship with you, especially because she trusted you about her personal work issues and you have a lot of interests in common. If she saw you as something more she probably wouldn't have told you about these problems. She maybe didn't realise your romantic interest in her until later when you took more initiative and probably didn't know how to deal with it. About her ignoring you at work I think you should consider that you in fact are at her workplace regularly - she could have been starting to feel uncomfortable with the work situation as she had been talking to you as a friend about work issues and that you are a customer there that could potentially influence her future as she wants to continue to work in the field. She may have had instances in the past when she rejected someone who took it badly and did something hurtful to 'get back' at her. Many women have experienced this and it can unfortunately happen even if we have known the person for 10 years or 2 weeks and no matter how nice they are before this. Even if this isn't the case for her it is still difficult to navigate rejecting someone you are going to meet regularly at your workplace which you need to go to in order to get paid to live, and even more if you want to stay there building something more. She probably liked your IG post because she still wants to be friends with you outside of the work situation and also of course that she liked what you posted. Many times it doesn't mean much more than that when a woman likes a social media post.
@@Eryqah Ok thanks for your feedback. Why did she AGREE to workout with me (twice), if she didn't want to OR have any attraction towards me? Why did she often give me compliments about my body IF she viewed me only as a friend? If I said the same things about her body = wouldn't that signal attraction instead of friendship to her? We had several interactions with flirty banter (she said how Ada in Resident Evil is "SO 🥵 HOT!" and I said "ah, you're a dirty gamer, aren't you? 🤤" she's like "I'm straight I swear, just Ada is an exception" I said "I don't know. I guess we'll see about that. . .😉") plus her being eager to spot me and listen to me stories = you're saying I misread those signals? Should I have NOT taken the initiative to invite her to workout with me? 🤔 IF all that is accurate, why would she turn on me AFTER agreeing and me messaging to confirm/setup workout plans? What I said in the messages was less flirty (more playful) than what was communicated in person. I don't think my messages changed the vibe at all, but she changed while on that 2 week vacation. Appreciate your feedback.
I'm an avoidant personality and have found I have to be constantly self aware and always working on myself. I do believe I've ruined relationships in the past and I have created so much shame on myself for them and am now trying to break down my stigma of shame. I am tired and exhausted to the point existing is difficult to a point because I'm constantly trying to be vigilant and this in turn has caused other issues in me. I have found my quickness to turn to shame is the root of most of my issues. It takes patience on myself and equally someone willing to be patient with me. I'm fortunate to have a very understanding and patient partner of 6 years now that is willing to extend me grace. Truly constant open non judgmental communication is the most important.
Thank you for sharing this positive example. Sometimes it is finding the right person who can extend grace, compassion and patience. As well as, good communication to work through issues.
I’m currently in a relationship of 12 years and just found out he is an avoidant! We have been in recovery for months now for another problem that arose and now it makes so much sense! I am that kind, compassionate, loving, constantly extending grace and understanding wife and this has been the hardest thing I have done! As now we are both trying to heal together…it took some time and me asking him to leave and questioning the relationship for him to get into recovery so yes maybe it does just take the right person? However, it changes us…I’m in the middle of it now so keeping my 🤞 but I have learned to Believe how Actions not his Words!!! Sending much ✌️&❤️ to you and yours!
It does take a patient partner and I know the person I held space for for 4 years was also incredibly grateful. He came and went several times. I know he has worked a lot on himself. But it takes more than just patience, it takes willingness and mutual communication to progress. When he can't or won't communicate, I'm completely at a loss.
The only difference is the empathy narcissistic personality lacks no remorse on discarding . As a dismissive may feel guilty but neither will ever apologize.
....yeah I was starting to think that myself. I also see them as being somewhat sociopathic but I don't actually think they are either in reality, just have strong traits of both. Either way, best stay well away from them, they can be extremely destructive human beings.
There are pretty much the same but I wouldn't condemn narciscism per se since it can be a strong source of willpower for many people. In my opinion only the petty mostly extroverter narcicists are a huge problem. They are mostly vain women and if they are men they are kinda effete (and mostly gay) and annoying. It's usually more a high on ostrogen than androgen thing. Personally don't think manly men can be narcissistic, overambitious at most. But narcissim per se is a feminine trait since it stems from vanity...
@@zabooza74 what??? Narcissistic personality disorder isn't caused by vanity, and happens in men and women. It's a personality disorder. Research it a bit mate.
Personally I’ve been on both sides of this dance. I developed an avoidant style in order to compensate after being hurt too many times and chasing so much. By the time I began to truly realize what I was doing my partner was already tired of waiting and putting in the effort. Now I feel so awake and alive. I’ve been putting in the work and my hunger for growth is bottomless. I barely recognize myself. I just wish I could have figured my shit out sooner. She deserved that and more. I miss her every day. My advice to other avoidant types: trust your partner. Even if you can’t see it, if your partner brings this to your attention, trust them. Get help. Anxious types, set hard boundaries. Going no contact can actually be a good plan B. I recommend doing so before you lose emotional attraction. If it triggers change then reconciliation will be a relief for both of you.
Woo I’m currently in a situation with a DA. I’m the anxious one. We haven’t dated but we have feelings for each other. When he becomes vulnerable it is so beautiful we have so much in common. Then it’s like he realizes he’s becoming vulnerable and closes himself off to me. It hurts. And he’s the one who pursued me and got me to fall for him. I tried to avoid him and be mean. It just made us both miserable. We keep going through this cycle and I’m tired of it. Does not help that we work together. The struggle is real.
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Having a “relationship” with an avoidant is an incredible lesson that my value and worth has absolutely nothing to do with her lack of love and care. Her mental issues are not mine. I can still love her regardless and I can be and am still loved dearly every single day…just not by her. Do I deserve to be loved by her? I guess…but we have a precious child together and we are all worth being together everyday even if our avoidant is currently walled up.
Four years of confusion, hot and cold. Scorched earth was the only way to save myself. I can’t stand what he did to me. Before I was making excuses for his behaviour, now I simply feel repulsed by it. Much happier!
I’m anxious attachment. It’s so overpowering to feel the more you try the more you push the other person away. Idk I stopped giving my all to someone who does the bare minimum
It’s been 8 months. We were together nearly 6 years. She never came back. I realized she has a history of avoidant attachment and was non confrontational. She compartmentalized all her trauma and always ran at the sense of difficulty. It’s just who she is. It’s who she’ll continue to be unless she gets the help she needs.
I was with one of these girls for 8 years. She left and I was absolutely crushed. Wanted her back so badly. But by the time I started to heal and move on, she was constantly trying to come back and get back together. It took a me around 2 years to fully get over it. Long relationships take a while to heal from, and getting back with them feels safe and comfortable, but you gotta just let them go. Trust me I’m so much better off now.
Sorry. I ended my 5.5 year relationship recently. He said maybe down the line I’ll realize you’re the love of my life and I let you get away. So heartbreaking.
I see a lot of blame in the comments and I get it bc it isn’t fair, but also I think it’s important to realize and recognize that this is a wound that people have to heal and show them some grace. They aren’t ready like you were and that’s okay. Move on to someone who is and wish them well ❤
Step one: recognize you are, unfortunately, involved with an avoidant. Step two: Leave before your soul shatters into a million pieces. Egads. Get away.
Dated a avoidant for 3 years and I’m anxious. Still today he has always left instead of fixing 3 months left and this is the longest we been done. I am happy I am meeting people who listen and are very caring and loving . I will never go back or date a avoidant.
Just got out of my first relationship with a DA after 2,5 years . What a learning curve! All the signs were there from the beginning but I ignored them because I didn’t understand attachment styles before this. I did an online survey to find out what my attachment style is and it said secure. Going forward I will not get involved with these type of people. I am now able to identify them. Guess I had to learn the hard way!
A rollacoaster of emotions , just broke up a few weeks ago but feeling stronger and wiser, lesson learned, his lost will be someone else’s gain 😊, I am so proud proud of my resilience
The memories of all the good things you did come back like a tidal wave, and when we see you now with someone else its devastating. I've been working on changing my DAness. You don't realize this is a thing with you until youre the one that didnt walk away.
My relationship of 9yrs ended a year ago and I didn’t know we had broken up ,I’ve never seen love turn to hate so quickly, the healing process in my opinion is is harder when you don’t know and it makes you question was it ever really real.
Definitely sad reading the comments when you're a D.A. yourself, came to watch this video to gain some insight and understand the subconscious traits to try action some things in my life. Being a D.A. doesnt mean we actively go out of our way to treat you that way, remember to stop pointing the finger. We all have our issues and some of us are trying to heal from them.
I used to be a DA too. Something made me change from DA to FA and hopefully on the path to becoming secure... You can change and it's great that you are trying. But now that I have my own experience dealing with a DA man, I can tell you for sure that it's a soul crushing experience. Anxious attachers stress me out for sure; but at least they show they're here... in their own way I guess 😅 But with a DA you have no clue what's going on, even as a former DA myself. Because they say nothing, it's all assumptions. So all I can do is remember what I used to think as a DA: "I like this person but not enough, it's worth changing for them". And then leave... if as avoidants we don't communicate it's unfair to let the other person just assume what's going on in our tormented minds 😕 Now if we do try to communicate and they still make it all about themselves and their needs, then it's another story.
“Some” of you ARE trying to heal from them, but I think it’s a rarity. I gave 18 years to a man who was unwilling to take accountability for his actions. I was supportive and gentle and caring and worked hard to create a dynamic that was healthy. He was wholly incapable (or unwilling) to assess his part in why we were triggering each other. I knew what was going on. I tried to work with what was going on, but when you only have one person in the relationship who is willing to accept reality and give voice to it as a means to move on and do things differently in the future (so the cycle ends permanently), it’s NEVER going to work. The silent treatment, the stonewalling, the refusal to engage in conversation that might illuminate issues, the shutting down … never got better or improved. When the standard response from him becomes, “It’s not important,” you know he’s never going to change … the dynamic’s never going to change. “You can’t change what you fail to acknowledge.” And that’s what the majority of us face with DA’s.
My DA did in fact reach out after 30 days, she's admitted wholeheartedly of her mistake and we are making progress every day. Stay strong NC works, grieve, focus and grow.
@@avantikor360 This means you need to grow more internally, no contact only wins when you each win for yourself first. Without that nothing you do matters if you want to get back together. IMO
Are you asking: what were my faults in the relationship ? Where did I fall short ? Don’t assume your partner is an avoidant because you didn’t work on the things your “avoidant” partner often talked to you about. If they’re gone.. grief, get back on track with who you are and what you love to do, and the rest will fall into place. 8 billion people in this world
They are incapable of change. They might make promises but ultimately can't follow through. It's a lose cause for the other person in the relationship.
Thankyou for this. My partner of 6yrs who suffered with anxiety, depression and childhood trauma called it quits on our relationship 18 months ago. I’m still hurting and trying to work through why she would walk away from something that was loving and supportive. The pain I’m struggling with is the ‘What if …’ , ‘ I should have..’, etc. I’m realizing that there was probably a lot of things I could done to help but if someone pulls away physically and emotionally and stops communicating, how can I. I reached out via text recently just say hi and ask how she is but there was no response. She has just gone.
The "triggers" that I set off just made his feelings for the relationship negative. And him cold and distant. So everything he was feeling was negative and overshadowed all the beauty of ehat we had and the friendship we had. He told me his feelings for me will never change but the feelings for the relationship and how he feels I treated him will never change. So, throughout our relationship while I was trying to fix the triggers(w/out knowing about attachment styles) it was for nothing. He just pulled back until he was a cold as f&#k stranger to me
This is the clue for us tho. The more we try and work on something they don't actively want to work on themselves, the more stressed they get and the more likely they will avoid you emotionally till the bond is completely gone. My soon-to-be ex told a lie to her parents in order to see me, because her parents ambushed her with questions and worries like I might be some crazy person there to abduct and kidnap her. Full background check (government level) the whole deal. It was our first date... Worst thing I did was jumping on my bike without my lights on. I slept in a city nearby to be close to her for a weekend. She lied to her parents, and then collapsed the same day because of the weight of it. I was literally at the airport about to board my plane when she tried to cancel our 700 euro weekend trip. After our trip (i still went) she pulled back once again, went from saying "i love you" and "goodmorning/goodnight" to not responding at all the week after our trip. I then wanted to visit again, which gave her stress, I wanted a little more commitment, which gave her stress, I also wanted the lie with her parents to be disassembled so we stood a chance, which basically paralyzed her due to stress. After I got accepted at my new job, and her only reply was "okay." I started to get angry, when she hung up on me later that evening because I wanted to talk about the lie to her parents... I wanted a break. And almost classic, the break is now over, but she needs more time. Her responses are short, cold and distant. It's already over, I'm just respecting her to figure out the same the next 2 weeks. We are not going to be and stay friends. She was my right hand in my community. She's going to lose everything we build together. She lost the friendship, once she had me, and couldn't commit to me. She wanted me, she got me and had no idea what to do with me once she got me. And she couldn't keep me because she herself sabotaged our relationship with the lie. She's great and a sweetheart, but only 2/10 days.
How does this "process" feel to the avoidant if I did the breaking up? I really didn't want to, but I DID tell her I felt as if she'd "abandoned" the relationship and that I had ZERO idea of how she felt about us... If I actually died, would she care? ...or was I the greatest thing since sliced bread? I had no clue of her feelings because she could NOT communicate verbally. She never did, but finally it just wore down the relationship to its demise.
You just mentioned EXACTLY what I could not find words for. "If I died, would he have cared?". Hmmm. Horrible "relationship" to be in. Such experiences are given to us, more so we can appreciate the next partner - where we know we are cared for, supported etc in a healthy way. I choose moving on.
@@Nika-je6zd in fact, I even asked her what advice she'd give her own son if HE was dating a woman under the same dynamics as we were experiencing...she stonewalled as she usually did
@kjjx125 Answer: fuq these people. After a while, love (on your part) turns into anger and resentment. They really do NOT deserve a compassionate and loving partner. Truly, FUCK THEM!!!
I greatly prefer your videos with none, less music or non-intense/stressful music at the beginning. I watch all of your videos and love all of your content. Keep up the good work! Thank you! ❤
The worst is when you are acfively workijg on going avainst your avoidant instincts and feel the most vulnerable youve ever been.... really making leaps and bounds.... and you find out you did so with the wrong person who turned out to be just like those thst neglected you in the first place. Its like a wound re-opened. People with avoidant attachment arent bad. Many of us are workijg hard to heal and overcome it, but we are still drawn to the wrong people just like everyone else and we get wrecked, too....
Fearful avoidant came back after 2 years! I told him I had a baby in that time and that baby could have been with him however he left and my life went on.
It's almost 2 years and he's trying to come back. Before breaking up with him, I gave him the book Attached so he could look in the mirror in my absence. I have no time or energy for the BS
This video was a great help to me! Giving me an understanding of the avoidant situation. My LDR started with a 'love bomb.' She was thrilled to have met me online. First time we talked she teared up. For a few months, she was so happy. Then she started to revert back to state of mind from her unhappy youth, etc. Now? Easily goes 2-3 weeks without contact. Keeps a great distance. Doesn't share news with me. I do feel taken for granted & am giving her silence, too.
Last time, when it was my birthday, she wrote a sweet message about how she loved me. Directly after, 2 weeks of silence then, after about 4 days with a little chat, she was quiet for almost 3 weeks. All I could think about was, "This is how much you love me?" It doesn't equate for me if she doesn't care about reaching out.
I just recently had a situation with an avoidant, i fortunately set boundaries early on and scared him away, it was hurtful, but i kept my sanity and dodged a HUGE bullet
I've had a history with avoidant people because my own mother was an avoidant. She was very hot and cold, and also emotionally abusive. Almost ten years of no contact and she still tries to reach me. I've had relationships where an avoidant will push me away, but when I leave, they chase me. I learned to block them. They sadly don't change often.
This is what what I had to learn about 10 yrs ago when I broke up w my ex. I had been suddenly widowed in at 35 and then met someone else. I thought he was my next soul mate, he was an organic farmer and I had studied organic farming when I was younger. I had a young child from my previous marriage. We dated seriously but also fairly volatilely for just under 4 yrs. I was seeking stability and commitment and he said he was in love with me but wouldn't commit. It brought out the best and the worst in me. We broke up so many times in those nearly 4 years, until I finally pulled the plug and went cold turkey. It was genuinely like overcoming and addiction. I broke up w him 10 yrs ago this summer, my son is now nearly grown and I have had a lot of positive life experiences since then. Life is still a journey, but I have healed from that. But holy shit, that was one of the craziest times of my life
It sure helps me to read this. Our paths are actually more alike than different. Wow. Organic farming and widowhood? Yep. And addiction is a relatable term. It helps me to read your hopeful comment. The future is bright even though right now my heart hurts from the breakup talk my DA boyfriend had with me a week ago. 😢
Yes they care. They juste aren't equipped to deal with it. I do believe what Tais says about it being so hard for them because they don't deal with their feelings. My DA ex left me, totally panicked after 1yr and blurting one Sunday afternoon cuddling at his house that I should move stuff in.... Literally following weekend he was breaking up with me "because I wasn't a good girlfriend because when I sleep I hit his legs with my knees moving around"... But for 1.5 yr every 4 months like clockwork he would find an excuse to send a message to keep contact going however superficial. After 1yr he asked to meet he was the one literally crying saying I was his soul mate and he was trying to work on himself but he just couldn't handle it. After there I wrote him a letter saying it was too hard for me so to never contact me again so that I could move on and five months after that he still sent me a message for my birthday so I yelled at him for not respecting my wish and blocked him... Ad hard as everything was on me, I faced my feelings, I did the work I healed, and he's still stuck in this limbo after 2 yrs of dating around superficially for 3 months and the breaking up and going through a depression of regretting his choices with me .. then repressing and starting again. I know that because I got this news from a worried friend a month ago and it has been 2.5yrs.
I think they care in their own way which is not acceptable to us. Its really a hard relationship. Alot of ups and downs and feels like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. However, it does feel like they dont care. Seems like they care when they are with you but when they are not, they dont. My ex always broke up with me over text, about every week, due to those hard conversations such as spending time. which to me should not be a hard conversation but she always made every serious conversation something bad, then she would get agitated and break up with me. it was the most immature relationship I had ever been in. i swear!!!
This video is so relevant to my recent relationship. My ex is a dismissive avoidant and she cut off our relationship after 11 months with some very lame excuses. She didn't allow any closure for us. We did have a "too good to be true" relationship for the entire time!
@Chichipompom-c4r Her excuses were, I am not ready to be in a serious relationship, I need to work on myself, and I need to take some space for myself. Then she went on Bumble and hooked up with a verbally abusive and manipulative guy. Now she is miserable but won't leave him.
All those negative comments about D FA/DA are making me sick. Im one of them, unfortunately got to love AA girl. I was unconcious of my disability, and hurt her so many times. I reassure you we also have feelings, we also love. It's not that i wanted to be like that. I love her still, I started therapy and I would love to give her what she needed. Meanwhile all of you call us souless robots/monsters. Thanks, but again I didn't choose to be like that and i assure you I can love.
The way I see it, it's the same as the extrovert/introvert "fight". Just because their insecurities show in a more outward way, anxious attachers see themselves as better than avoidants who are more inward. This projection helps them deflect from their own insecurities and from the fact that there is a reason why they were attracted in an avoidant in the first place. Now let's be honest, that doesn't mean avoidants are not difficult to deal with. As an avoidant myself, I would recommend anyone dealing with an avoidant who deflect from the hard conversation to just leave. Avoidance is not a "disability" it's just a category we use to describe certain attitudes that can be changed. Good on you for working on yourself. But for those who don't, there's no reason for the partner to endure such a miserable relationship...
I am not an avoidant but I clearly have abandonment issues, and if it helps not everybody would simply throw you away. I am struggling to make sense of issues and I can definitely say that my ex did the same to me as he is also an avoidant, however I didnt help the situation as I have abandonment anxiety. So every time he did his things I would go off the rail totally, which of course triggered him ever more. And you are absolutely correct, we all do things we not even aware of none of us are perfect all we can do is work thru our own issues and work in being the best we can be. Trauma from the past is in every person even the judgemental ones
Just wanted to ask, as a person, who really thought it could be worked out with an avoidant. He decided to end things and I accepted it calmly (not because I wanted it, but just because if the person says that he "couldn't give me what I want", then there is no point in bargaining). We are in no contact for about 2 months (unfollowed in each social media), no mutual friends, but he kinda gave the mixed signal (liked the message from the old dialogue). My question would be, if the person comes back and wants the second chance, what would be the signs for you, as an avoidant, that it's genuinely important for them. I have a big fear, that it would just be a vicious circle (as soon as I attach, he'll run).
@@audreyr2647 yeah I get what you mean. I see my friends in relationships like that, and they are nowhere close to realise that there is no good ending there, also no point in there. From what I experienced, the only way for avoidant to change is selfrealisation or maybe being suggested by someone not biased, because generally close people say it's just the way you are, which is true but it don't has to be thay way. There is absolutely no point staying in that kind of relationship unless there is a want to change, perfectly on both sides.
@@christianlanders5216 I mean, it can only work if he seeks therapy, and knows that his behavior was destructing and want that change in them. Avoidants are hard to mantain even for secure type people not to mention anxious ones. There is an attachment style called Fearful/Deorganised Avoidant which makes that person really wanting for healthy and fulfilling relationship but when things get more intense it triggers their avoidant behaviors. I would say it's sinusoidal, as I mark exactly this type. He definetly thinks about you, I think he even miss you and want your relationship to work. Im like 90% sure, but if he's not willing to see his fault and that his avoidant behaviors are cause of your breakup, then Im also sure you will fall into that circle.
I'm in a unique situation with a DA whereby I have to see her in passing most days until she or I move house. She's always breadcrumbing during contact and thinks im sulky and butt hurt when I pull away. This is a special kind of purgatory. I wish I could simply switch off my feelings but it's not possible.
I feel you, had been there... I was lucky she had enough money to retreat on a rented flat for a few months so I didn't have to suffer from this very uncomfortable situation for too long. Needless to say she broke up 4 months later, when the short-term rent was reaching an end. We are selling the house we just bought a few months before (4y+ relationship, starting to fall off just 2 weeks prior to closing the deal). Keep up mate. P.S. : Oh and I think I had something similar to your "sulky and butt hurt" reproach. A friend of hers told me that she felt rejected since the breakup (oh ironic... ) .
I had to share an apartment with mine and we didn’t see each others faces for an entire month. Avoided seeing her and would go into work 4 hours early to sleep on the floor. I was cooking dinner in my bedroom with a rice cooker and air fryer. I moved out and live in an apartment 3 doors down the hall and I’m working on myself. Turn that energy back on yourself and build back stronger. It’s possible but you have to keep a strong mind. They don’t deserve us.
@dimitrifert3321 ahh that's crap man. Women will pretty much always tell us what we need to know via their behaviour. Their words are merely a metric to compare actions against once they are ascertained as no trust worthy. Hell of a ball this dating, until one day, fingers crossed, it will all work itself out. Until then I want some chocolate and a wank!!!!
23 years and it was just one time and he dropped you like that, gotta be honest, that does not sound like a DA. To be around for 23 years and this is the first time he just broke up and ghosted.
My wife of 22 yrs did exactly the same on May 29th this year following a silly argument.I now realise that she had been planning it for months maybe even years, I had to leave the house with a few belongings and live in my RV for two months during which she told me our marriage was over by email!At the time she was completely void of emotion and put my belongings in the garden of the house and left me with a large debt(which I have now managed to clear).She has kept all of the items we purchased throughout our marriage. and is still ghosting me which is immature .I believe Karma will follow.
My husband is an avoidant. He will go in work as he has done for years. He prefers to be alone he feels good that way. So I have been neglected emotionally and sexually. Not being pursued as a woman, no intimacy kills the love in a marriage. Unfortunately I am anxious attachment but his behavior is over the top neglect.
i feel like after i've binged-digging on this DA stuff for 72 hrs. I've already found peace in me and started accepting the breakup with my ex DA. i felt bad for her and had i known that she is a notorious DA, i would've done a lot better to deal with her and probably we're just fine. but, i take this experience as a hard lessons, and also start working on myself to be secure as well.. wish her the best in life, i love her so i set her free. i'm 60-70% feeling better than the moment she formally announced we're not connected anymore roughly a week ago. so yeah.. this will be my last video on digging and deep-diving into DA. thank you so much btw for enlightening us who got left behind/hanging by our ex DA..
I'm FA and it's like Thais is describing my entire life pattern. I just lost someone I still deeply love. This time I'm getting clean (from addiction), and doing counseling, including books and workbooks regarding more awareness of my trauma. I'm trying to "fix" myself or at the very least understand myself better and regulate my behavior. She went no contact over 30 days ago and I've forgotten what this kind of pain/grief feels like and it sucks.
Yeah brother. Welcome to the broken hearts club. You heal you go forward. You appreciate the hell Out of your next partner when that comes kk. Take nothing for granted no happiness no pleasant moments. Those are gifts all of Them diamonds more diamonds for all of us amen
@@celeste4098 Actually yes, we're talking again. I didn't think we would be. I need to stay clean and focus on work, and my fitness, staying clean, doing productive things.
My ex was a RAGING narcissist with this exact attachment style. I completely fell apart and my mental health plunged. Took me years to begin healing and fully understand what was going on. I feel like I'm just now at the end stages of healing 4 years later. Videos like this are so validating💕
what is really frustrating with a few ex friends of mine is that I triggered their vulnerability and they pulled away and it wasn't related to being in a potential relationship, I was too open for them (I was FA at the time). It left me hurt, confused, ruminating
I had 4 DAs women and I must admit they were all a vacuum sucker of my psychical energy and nerves. Not showing emotions, even less to me that I got from a random stranger or a friend when trying to get close to them physically. If you are anxiously attached and not aware of your attachment you will suffer a lot. I went from anxious to secure within 1 year setting boundaries. Now I can spot those predators very soon. but know you still need to learn a lot of human psychology on YT first to get knowledge and second not to forget it. Secure people can deal with DAs by pulling away on time but if you are not strong they can make you anxious attached again soon, bare that in mind. Deal with people who chose you only.
As much as I want to understand her side that it wasn't her fault because she was avoidant... I don't deserve the treatment I was given, calling me names and blaming me that it ended.
I just found out he is the "AVOIDANT PERSON" & it hurts!! I've been with him on / off for 11 yrs., and plus 3 kids and he just left us "JUST LIKE THAT" ... such a emotional wreck!! Idk if he is, why is he with his ex wife for 16 years ...
I walked away from her because she didn’t value my time or me as a person , deleted her from social media etc , yet she’s still watching my stories . She tried once to come back and apologized for how she was acting then did again the next day and I was said nope I’m out ✌🏻
Avoidant here. I’ve never regretted a break up. Nor have my avoidant friends. She is slinging anecdotes here. Don’t expect people to change who they are. Don’t worry about their attachment style. Focus on yourself, love yourself and know what you want in a relationship and then only date ppl that share your relationship goals. A lot of us avoidants are just fine alone! Maybe that’s ok too.
I am so grateful I came across your channel. Right now I am going through a break up with my DA partner of 15 years. As a Coach and a secure attachment style, I felt that it was my responsibility to keep 'trying' to help him heal and set himself free. Thank you for the tips on how to start healing from this pain. Intend on watching all your videos, now that I have found you :-)
Avoidant are exhausting and, in my humble opinion, not worth it for 3 reasons. 1) They require constant and incredible amount of work and patience to keep the relationship alive. 2) Yet, you will get very little in return for all your efforts, sacrifice and devotion. 3) As soon as you mess up, even if just a little bit, you will be crucified. I have given up and I feel so relieved. It is so nice to be with a normal healthy person who appreciates you the way you appreciate her.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Coping mechanism. They monkey branch to another person, as a person would cope with a vice under stress. Except their rebound partners are the vices to cope with all of the previous. It's a descending feedback loop of growing traumas if left untreated since they lack vulnerability and communication skills. Which they typically avoid doing until they realize it's too late and they're old and nobody wants them. A miserable existence.
My ex was married before for 10 years. We had a very loving relationship and he dumped me out of the blue. It wasn't me, it was him. He just needed space. I thought he was going to propose. I've gone no contact for two months now and knowing more about avoidant attachment, it'll stay that way.
She didn't actually want me, she wanted to USE me to get over her ex who had just ghosted her. She manipulated me by being highly vulnerable, bonding with me over common traumas, and then went full avoidant about 2-3 weeks in and eventually I realized she used me. I've had people since then tell me "you still hit, a win is a win" and I'm just here like WTF is wrong with y'all? I mean, I get it, dudes are supposed to be the ones without emotion and don't get attached, but I felt a real connection with her and she broke me and everyone is here making jokes about it. I never wanted to be used. If she had been upfront that she just wanted a rebound lay, I'd have played that game and been ok, but she acted and said she was looking for something more serious and wanted to see where things would go with me. She never did. She just wanted to get laid.
Feel tormented being a DA and would do anything to get rid of it. Reading the comments makes me sad. We are not bad people just absolutely taken over by fear to the point where my body feels ill being riddled by fear for so long.
I did learn to avoid avoidant AS people in my therapy. Happy camper now….🎉❤🎉…. repaired my own ATS issues… did heal and still heal, deep wounds from being neglected. You can change but not without grieving your losses from childhood….
The 20th time an "avoidant" loses a good partner, for some instants think: may be I'm a NARCISIST... NAAAAAAAH, IMPOSSIBLE... STOP AVOIDANT BULLSHIT: IT'S NARCISISM...
My ex fiancée is 100% one. But I love her and she’s not a bad person. We broke up back in May and 5 months later, we’re back together after she went through all the stages mentioned in the video. She doesn’t believe in these theories but when she explained to me what she’s been through the past 5 months… it’s on point. Furthermore, she happens to be the rare and brave soul that reached out to me first. As an anxious type(though more towards secure type, now), myself, following the “no contact” rule was hard and painful; even gave me CSR in my right eye due to high stress and anxiety levels. But it paid off. I never thought I’d see her again, but here we are. I hope we are now better prepared to deal future ups and downs.
I heard about the avoidant term just now. I was thinking that my bf is a narcisist, but there were things that clicked and things that didnt click. It seems I'm stuck putting my life on hold, waiting for him to include me in his plans. Even ignored, I keep on waiting while he's living his life, planning, and all that. In the end, he just let me know what he had already decided. I'm nowhere in his plans 😢nowhere. Still, i can't make any decisions and can't plan anything, thinking that maybe he's gonna want me that day. He's my priority, my VIP, while I'm just an option to him. I'm realizing all that, and still, i won't move on. Im afraid that I'll actually succeed and...what if he's gonna come back to me and I'll be gone and not want him anymore? Feels like im stuck. Cant rise above my own twisted mind.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
It's difficult to let go of someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but I couldn't just let her go I did all I could to get her back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back.
I just ended things with my DA partner. I feel utter misery. I hope it's for the best, but my mind is constantly questioning why I was never good enough for basic relationship needs being considered. I hope I and everyone else that's ever been in my position get better.
I appreciate your expertise and compassion for DA'S. You have shifted my perspective on my estranged husband who abandoned me to build a mini mansion for his next secret pologimous marriage and the illegitimate children thereof. Had his ass tagged as MALICIOUS MANEVOLENT COVERT NARCISSIST with DEMONIC ENTITIES attached. PERIODT. EVILS against me untold-betrayals unknown completely. I have no story. My lack of SELF LOVE, WORTH, and RESPECT...combined with SUPER EMPATH equ Began to take RESPONSIBILITY for MYSELF. HEALING still. Investing in SELF only. Shining LIGHT in the darkness. Hopefully they ALL will HEAL. ...but yeah. Perspective.
She either monkey branched into another relationship, or jumped into a rebound, and still with him (10 months now) so she’s not feeling anything about me, and probably never has since.
This is good advise after you made the decision to let go and see yourself on a new focused "I'm going to be a millionaire" path. It gives perspective after the fact.
We dated 2 1/2 years and when he came back a decade later and said it was a couple of months. 😂 guess he forgot the christmases we had together. Wow. That one hurt.
my ex never processed his dad’s death, even years later. he had to swallow his grief and make a living. I needed 110% commitment (anxious attachment) and he just wasn’t able to give me what I needed. He let me go early instead of wasting my time. I have so much respect for my ex, and his character was what made me fall in love in the first place. i just wished it worked out between us, but he needs to address his issues first.
They are children - hungry and thinking of their own needs only as they are stuck in childhood trauma age. They are not fit for a grown relationship. They are very egocentric (children) and only focused on their needs and don’t have the necessary qualities for a relationship. Relationship with them will always be on and off and will cause frustration and anxiety to the most secured person even. It’s like being with a child. They just don’t comprehend normal emotional bond. They long for you as some sort of energy for them just like a child longs for their mum. But they can’t give you anything back. They are empty. The top and bottom of it is they are empty emotionally and hungry so they have nothing to give, only take.
My(m) female best friend is an anxious avoidant. It can be tough, but I just support her and be there for her when she needs it. The things she does are not to be taken personally, but it does take some understanding to deal with it.
![PASULOL รามเกียรติ์ ตอนที่ 4 นนทกพบรัก [Ramakien Ep.4: Nonthok in love]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/tMUQgmZzf_A/mqdefault.jpg)
Give the gift of no contact to avoidants who didn't want to make relationship work and expected things to "just be". focus on healing and being best version of yourself 💯
I wish I never met him
I put a bow on it too! 😂
I am so sick of the, “just let it be” phrase !
When you love someone so much and they know they are BPD AND a DA … and you also know they are ….
It’s painful to not see them healed and be pushed away .
It’s almost as bad as the loss of a loved one who has passed on
Oh my gosh, yes!!
The lesson to learn is avoidants are wasting your time and they need therapy not relationships.
Yes they need Therapy but would rather stay the zvictim
Yes, we need therapy and coach and self reflection and patience if they are working through it. If you insist on pushing through anyway if they won’t work on it, go slow.
@@amberts180
This is damage from their parents that did not give them emotional support or validation. I am a very patient and kind person but there has to be a baseline of acceptable behavior. I want a partner not a patient. I have a day job. It's enough.
@@chrislim7976 100% agree! I'll add the caveat that all relationships take work and compromise, compassion and grace... and if you don't have strong boundaries in place with an avoidant, they will treat you in a way that isn't ok, and nobody deserves to be treated that way. You must give yourself the permission to leave them as you found them; you can't "fix" people.
@@stacyfiske7903 spot on!
He didn't lose me, he never had me, he never knew me or wanted to know me.
You sound like me
Ugh. I feel this. So sorry you went through this
Never *wanted* to know me..oof cant tell you how painfully true that is!
I feel the same way. But I also feel like I never knew him
Woah…. This resonates….
This kind of relationship will make you question your worth. Run! And fast. I should have heeded the red flags at the beginning instead of wasting a decade of my life on someone unwilling to offer basic empathy or support.
they are disturbed to the core and some of them are narcissists like hell without empathy to realise what they do to people.
But thank God you're out of it. It's painful at first, but all the gaslighting and distancing and non-involvement will be easier to say good-bye to every day that goes by...
Sounds like my x now he a narrcisit didn't realize till 5 yrs later no mater if I was sick or someone know died alway about him n his own stuff no empathy
I am at 2 yrs no more he aint worth it
Mine literally said he doesn’t feel empathy
Maybe sympathy but never empathy because others peoples problems aren’t his.
This was a huge red flag 🚩
Some relationships don't last, but a relationship with an avoidant is worse: is gonna make you question your worth. No one deserve to be neglected or abandoned. Make yourself a favour and avoid avoidants.
Avoidants are like black holes. They feed on your energy, drain you, and then discard you. Emotional vampires.
Exactly ! 😢
Yes they are like hungry children who only think of their needs. They are innately immature as they are stuck in the childhood trauma. They are not fit for a grown relationship.
@@trinityp8575 - Amen! Run away from these people.
The DA is selfish, and only are happy when their needs are met.
They don’t come back…
No. Just no. Hold no contact. Find somebody with communication & that’s scared to lose you.
💯🎯🙌
Amen!!!
I don’t want someone “scared to lose me”. I want someone eager to keep me. As I would them.
so someone who has anxious attachment 🥴😅
💯
Love them despite their damage and walk away.
🙌🎯💯
Doing this ❤
Key words “and walk away”!!!
Just keep walking . . . lol
❤😂🎉😂❤
I'm running for the cardio 🖤
Never go back or get involved with a DA especially if you are an anxious attachment style, they can never make you the priority and give you the attention you need, they will continuously trigger you and your life will be a misery.
Anxiously attached people should be actively working to secure attachment, and to the point that this will never matter. Securely attached people would get rid of an avoidant instantly.
@@JohnnyUtah949And we AP people do. It’s easier for us to heal and grow into a secure attachment style. If anything tell that to DA’s they’re the ones who are afraid to commit to self healing. They wouldn’t rather just keep on hurting others and themselves.
@@JohnnyUtah949nope, we don’t get rid of them instantly, not if we have a heart.
That’s right
This. Just leave. They can turn even a securely attached person into an anxious one.
A message to any DA reading this:
You want to cut things off? Fine. But you do not need to be an a-hole when you do it. Don't lie or cheat. Be kind. Be honest. Show some freaking compassion.
Absolutely 💯
Agreed. Problem is they can't. Showing compassion for their partner they just dumped means accessing their feelings for that person, which they absolutely will not do at the 'discarding' stage.
I went through this 2.5 months ago when my wife of 14 years abruptly told me she doesn't think she has feeling for me anymore and cut me off. No tears, no discussion, no emotion of any kind.
@@kingarthur5110 Then they need to NEVER EVER be in ANY relationship because this behavior - for ANY reason - is cruel and toxic.
@@brownell.landrum no argument from me. I still can't get over how uncaring my wife was when she discarded me out of the blue.
Not excusing, but as a DA, our flight or fight mode causes us to go completely numb so that we can do whatever is necessary to soothe, cutting ourselves off from the capacity to be empathetic in those moments
Ifs always the same advice.. an avoidant breaks up with you and the way to deal with it is to get over it.. to move on.. thats the answer(?) in other words: accept that its over. By the time they come back you will have moved on already and they can continue down their viscous cycle of breaking hearts…
Exactly. Let them break someone else's heart - or lose themselves trying to fix another emotionally unavailable person.
it's like the song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri
Sadly seems to be the answer huh.
This is the ONE relatioship you can't fix.
Because any effort from the anxious to fix it the avoidant just dismisses.
*anxious finally snaps and leaves after being ignored for so long*
"How could this happen!?!?!?!?"
@@KarinaLicursinow i understand why i loved that song and felt it in my bones and soul
I wish we had yelp reviews on these DAs
My avoidant ex reached out after 3.5 months of us talking a bit after our breakup. Kept saying “well we could be friends”, and we met up after texting a bit and I told him what do you have to offer me? You can’t offer me commitment but you broke up with me and now you still want me in your life. That makes no sense so I told him I can’t talk to you at all.
Your strength is an inspiration 💪❤
Hey gotta do what’s best for you.
You could have told him that over the phone 🥴
@@whiteliner2253not the same. She had to show up to make him understand she meant it firmly.
Congratulations Marie! Never seek or accept friendship from an avoidant ex...he wants to have access to you....while you cant get over him..."eat his cake and have it too"...no no no.
Don’t believe anyone telling you a DA will ever miss you and want to come back. Once you break up with a Da, the “nothingness” you felt in the situationship with them will instantly turn into a complete void, nothing. DA’s never heal, never change, never come back. Just feel lucky that you woke up from the nightmare of being in a “relationship” with such a flawed person and move on, never look back. Don’t waste any more of your valuable time and emotional capital. Thank me later.
I might end up eating my words, but the da in my life ended up telling me that the distance gave him time to think, and that after thinking about me every day for 5 months he just couldn't deny that he was in love with me anymore.
@@lalaurlalala My ex DA checked out late in the relationship and post separation she's fully committed to being alone. Throughout the relationship she struggled to express any true emotion, attachment, appreciation, respect, etc. I had no idea. I'm just seeing all this now.
negative perspective. People are not labels and one size fits all. They are complex and every situation is not black and white. It could be true for some situations but not for all
As much as this can be true for some people, being a DA can also be mixed with different reasons as well. Mine broke up with me because he realized we were getting real and he started to think about himself and his traumas, he didn't want to destroy one's genuine soul by staying with them even if he struggles with it as well. He told me he wasn't ready for love yet and that he has to change in all aspects so that he can finally put up with an anxious partner like me (whom used to be a secure but became an anxious due to his avoidance) so we went out separate ways.. sometimes DA's didn't want to be the way they are but it is their pains and unhealed wounds that drives them that way, and often times they just need way more time to evaluate things than an anxious does, so although I love him to the extent of wanting to fight for us still, understanding why he has to leave brought me comfort and peace because he is striving to be a better person for himself and others, as well as protecting someone like me from being hurt by him. .
Still don't know if we can still work things out in the future when we're ready, and have fully grown matured to put up with a long-term commitment, as long as we're both happy despite it being with us or someone else.. I'm good. Really just do need to study one's being that causes them from being who they are, not experience one and assume that goes for everyone else. It's all different and we just gotta have to be firm on our own situation than others' perspective about it.
@@MichaelMike sounds like my ex to a T.
Focusing on your hobbies and interests after a breakup will ALWAYS put things into the proper perspective. Plus, you'll find that the RIGHT people will start coming into your life as you've opened yourself up for them to enter.
You could also argue this is how a dismissive avoidant would rationalize the breakup in those initial stages. Hobbies and interest = creature comforts
@@LSGO90 creature comforts suggest unhealthy habits such binge watching television or drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Focusing on hobbies and interests actually help your mental clarity and keep you in a mindset of abundance. Thais actually talks about it in several videos on this channel.
Working on your health is also amazing as it really keeps you moving and as body gets better one can experience getting better. Imo
@@jeanlaubenthal698 yes, this is true as well.
It’s a waste of your life wait for a DA 😢 don’t make that mistake u will lose yourself and it’s hard to come back
Avoid the other 2 well if you feel that way.
@@chrismaxwell1624 true! it's like avoid people completely, it's a lot less work! :D that's exactly how avoidants think in general - "it's a waste of your life to commit to a realtionship" :-)
i've had a very close friendship with an avoidant (which ended in pain because.... she's a DA and I'm a FA lol) and it was the closest relationship I've had with anyone. so i would never say that "it's a waste of life" to wait for them. you're either compatible and grow closer or you're simply two people who don't connect at all and try to mold each other into something you're not, which is not a sigh of a healthy relationship...
I lost myself and it’s so hard for me to come back I am truly heartbroken 😢 I’m also in therapy trying to heal…I miss him so much but I’m in much pain
I treated my avoidant like gold. I loved her with all my heart. Unfortunately, she brought each of her past relationships into our relationship. She told me I didn’t let her in. She met all of my friends and family, I’m still waiting to meet her friends (2year relationship).
As soon as I brought up marriage, etc, she changed and couldn’t handle the pressure and anxiety of commitment. Vulnerability - forget about it. She was lost. I suggest not dating man avoidant until they heal themselves.
not willing to meet their friends is a huge red flag. after 6 months of an intense relationship he still wouldn't let me meet his friends and family that he was spending more time with me, even little things like going to the beach or dinners or clubbing and his friends would have their girlfriends there. he kept promising things would change and they never did. finally had to end things after being hidden from his friends and family for 6 months and it sucks.
I'm in the exact same situation... everything was healthy. I navigated things well (in terms of attachment styles). Until the end. We hit our first rough patch after 2 years, when i brought up future goals. She blindsided me. The day after my birthday.... (this past weekend). All things considered, handling it well. Just cold way to end things. Do you have IG?
Going through excact same thing
I navigate my relationships with a D.A by avoiding them completely .
What is D.A.?
Best decision
Good one. And good 👍
@@wendydaniel1110 Will somebody answer me? What is D.A.? Please!
@@30sandrita1 Dismissive Avoidant 😊
He jumped right into the next relationship immediately so he didn’t have to be alone. There’s no way he even thinks about the relationship he had with me for 5 years.
not possible lol. your mindset toward that is wrong. 5 years is way too long to just forget their ex. that relationship will certainly not last. stay no contact and build your self confidence back up. get mad at the fact he left you for another girl. you will find yourself moving away from even wanting him back. good luck
Yea rebounds almost never last, something I learned
@@os3688you nailed this comment good shit please take this advice! & listen to what was said that person is a rebound he’s with and he’s tryna mask his situation but jumping into something without properly healing will crumble
@@hectorolivares5071no, lots of
The time they do lol
Are you stupid?
I'm a DA. I have to say to those that are trying to understand why we leave is ....each relationship that started i knew it would eventually end. I never gave 100% of myself to anyone. Makes it easier when the time comes to part ways. It took a serious operation and forced bedrest to come to this realization. As is spoken here, most actions are done subconsciously. Now that i am aware and had months to work through my issues, i face relationships ..all relations not just intimate ones, with my eyes and mind open. The last 5 years ive been a completely different person. Finally free of the torments in my mind.
I'm wondering if the girl I've been dealing with is a "DA"?
The full context of the situation I'm dealing with: There's a young (around 19-20 I think) girl who works the front desk at my gym (I'm a bodybuilder). I met her about 6 months ago, before she started working there. We have a lot in common ❤ (gaming, bodybuilding, horror movies, etc.) so I'm interested in getting to know her more.
Within the past 2 months we've been talking much more often and SEEMED to be connecting positively. She opened up to me about serious work situations that concerned her (said she has only told people she trust), told me she is studying to become a personal trainer, she seemed very interested in my work, etc. This girl often would record my workouts and spot me.
So I made a move by inviting her to start working out with me (sort of like pre-dating) to get to know each other better.
She said Yes, but was very busy that week.
Then the next week when we were talking I brought it up again: she said "yes let's do it, but not sure which day I can make it. I'll be sure to let you know soon" we even were discussing a leg workout plan that she seemed very excited about (with some flirty vibes).
So I said "let's exchange phone numbers so we can plan our workouts" with my phone out.
She said "do you have Instagram?"
I paused briefly (should I feel offended she didn't trust me with her phone number after talking to her for months, plus us seemingly getting closer?) then I said sure.
So we connected on IG messager. That was on Father's Day in June.
I told her I was going to check with her Tuesday afternoon to plan a workout for that night.
I DM her Tuesday afternoon about the workout.
She said "Super Sorry I'm out of town for my sister's sports event, and I don't know when I'll be available. So sorry!"
So I said "ok. What sport does your sister play?"
I was just trying to have a conversation, not make a big deal of her flaking on our (tentative) plans.
She ignored my reply. . .
So I waited until Saturday that week and messaged her a playful text "OMG you've been kidnapped haven't you!? don't worry tell them I'll pay your ransom. Hopefully they've been feeding you well? 😜"
She replied to that immediately
"I've been so so busy still, very sorry. I'm still out of town, but this time for my friends birthday. Yes they've been feeding me well hahaha"
Then I sent her a gaming video about something we discussed in person = she ignored that message.
So I stopped messaging her, because I'm feeling an avoidant energy from her and it's making me uncomfortable.
Then I saw her at the gym finally last Sunday (2 weeks since we made plans and connected on IG) = she flat out avoided me and would not even LOOK AT ME! 🤔😳
The entire 2 hours I was in the gym she was avoiding me, talking to everyone else except me. Not a smile or anything. She even talked to my Mom, but not me!
So I'm thinking she must have randomly TURNED ON ME during the 2 weeks she was out of town OR she turned on me the day after Father's Day when we discussed planning a workout?
I gave her space (only 2 messages over the 2 weeks) and now she won't even look at me. . .
Then the next day I posted photos of my beach 🏖️ night = she was the FIRST one to Like my post = this confused me more!
I though she turned on me, wants nothing to do with me. I would have expected her to unfollow and block me. But no, she likes my post after avoiding me in person for 2 hours?
Is she signaling "I'm not interested in you at all, take a hint" OR is she playing hot and cold (cold has lasted 3 weeks now) "challenging" me?🤔
Why did she AGREE to workout with me (twice) if she had no intention of doing so?
Is there anything I can or should do to salvage this potential relationship or is it just time to forget her and move on? 🤔
@@XGN She sounds as though she likes you as a friend and nothing more and your continued messages pushed her off because "she's really that into you " sounds to me as though she didnt know how to tell you she wasn't feeling it the way you were and you weren't taking the hint by the ignored messages. Her last resort is to ignore you in person. She likes your posts because she like the post. Doesn't have to have anything to do with you. She's probably a very friendly person by nature which you saw as interest. Wait for her to approach you next and dont push at her so hard. I see only friendship as a possibility here. Good luck. I know it's not what you want to hear but it is what it is.
@@tanyam9398 Thank you for honest feedback.
If she likes me as ONLY a "friend", why would she frequently give me compliments on my body / physique ("looking GREAT Sean, you have the most Yolked physique in the gym, you're MASSIVE!") and had some flirty banter with me several times over the recent 2 months?
When we were talking about her favorite Resident Evil game characters she said "I'm straight I swear, just Ada is an exception!"
It seemed like we had some flirty attraction mutually, but you are saying those signals from her were inaccurate?
When I invited her to workout with me, why did she AGREE (twice)?
But then she would not give me her phone number, only Instagram DMs? 🤔
Are you saying she wanted to workout with me as ONLY friends? Was she thinking of it as a date?
I never said it would be a take, but my ex and I did become VERY close by becoming gym buddies first and then together 2 months later = so workouts can be like dating.
I invited her to workout with me sort of like pre-dating (I did not say that), a path for us to get to know each other better, then see what happens from there.
My messages to her were just follow ups to make a plan to workout, which she said she wanted to do in person.
Why would the messages (only 2 messages over 2 weeks) making the plan make her change her mind? 🤔
@@XGNSounds like she wanted to have a friendship with you, especially because she trusted you about her personal work issues and you have a lot of interests in common. If she saw you as something more she probably wouldn't have told you about these problems. She maybe didn't realise your romantic interest in her until later when you took more initiative and probably didn't know how to deal with it.
About her ignoring you at work I think you should consider that you in fact are at her workplace regularly - she could have been starting to feel uncomfortable with the work situation as she had been talking to you as a friend about work issues and that you are a customer there that could potentially influence her future as she wants to continue to work in the field. She may have had instances in the past when she rejected someone who took it badly and did something hurtful to 'get back' at her. Many women have experienced this and it can unfortunately happen even if we have known the person for 10 years or 2 weeks and no matter how nice they are before this. Even if this isn't the case for her it is still difficult to navigate rejecting someone you are going to meet regularly at your workplace which you need to go to in order to get paid to live, and even more if you want to stay there building something more.
She probably liked your IG post because she still wants to be friends with you outside of the work situation and also of course that she liked what you posted. Many times it doesn't mean much more than that when a woman likes a social media post.
@@Eryqah Ok thanks for your feedback.
Why did she AGREE to workout with me (twice), if she didn't want to OR have any attraction towards me?
Why did she often give me compliments about my body IF she viewed me only as a friend?
If I said the same things about her body = wouldn't that signal attraction instead of friendship to her?
We had several interactions with flirty banter (she said how Ada in Resident Evil is "SO 🥵 HOT!" and I said "ah, you're a dirty gamer, aren't you? 🤤"
she's like "I'm straight I swear, just Ada is an exception"
I said "I don't know. I guess we'll see about that. . .😉") plus her being eager to spot me and listen to me stories = you're saying I misread those signals?
Should I have NOT taken the initiative to invite her to workout with me? 🤔
IF all that is accurate, why would she turn on me AFTER agreeing and me messaging to confirm/setup workout plans?
What I said in the messages was less flirty (more playful) than what was communicated in person.
I don't think my messages changed the vibe at all, but she changed while on that 2 week vacation.
Appreciate your feedback.
I'm an avoidant personality and have found I have to be constantly self aware and always working on myself. I do believe I've ruined relationships in the past and I have created so much shame on myself for them and am now trying to break down my stigma of shame. I am tired and exhausted to the point existing is difficult to a point because I'm constantly trying to be vigilant and this in turn has caused other issues in me. I have found my quickness to turn to shame is the root of most of my issues. It takes patience on myself and equally someone willing to be patient with me. I'm fortunate to have a very understanding and patient partner of 6 years now that is willing to extend me grace. Truly constant open non judgmental communication is the most important.
Thank you for sharing this positive example. Sometimes it is finding the right person who can extend grace, compassion and patience. As well as, good communication to work through issues.
Thank you for your vulnerability. I tried to extend grace, but after 18 years of denying my own needs im exhausted.
I wish you the best.
I’m currently in a relationship of 12 years and just found out he is an avoidant! We have been in recovery for months now for another problem that arose and now it makes so much sense! I am that kind, compassionate, loving, constantly extending grace and understanding wife and this has been the hardest thing I have done! As now we are both trying to heal together…it took some time and me asking him to leave and questioning the relationship for him to get into recovery so yes maybe it does just take the right person? However, it changes us…I’m in the middle of it now so keeping my 🤞 but I have learned to Believe how Actions not his Words!!! Sending much ✌️&❤️ to you and yours!
It does take a patient partner and I know the person I held space for for 4 years was also incredibly grateful. He came and went several times. I know he has worked a lot on himself. But it takes more than just patience, it takes willingness and mutual communication to progress. When he can't or won't communicate, I'm completely at a loss.
I just left no need to say anything. Bye!
I see little difference between avoidant and covert narcissist honestly.
Covert narcissist...😂😂😂😂 Honestly i am laughing at him because he is the one who lost 😊.
The only difference is the empathy narcissistic personality lacks no remorse on discarding . As a dismissive may feel guilty but neither will ever apologize.
....yeah I was starting to think that myself. I also see them as being somewhat sociopathic but I don't actually think they are either in reality, just have strong traits of both. Either way, best stay well away from them, they can be extremely destructive human beings.
There are pretty much the same but I wouldn't condemn narciscism per se since it can be a strong source of willpower for many people. In my opinion only the petty mostly extroverter narcicists are a huge problem. They are mostly vain women and if they are men they are kinda effete (and mostly gay) and annoying. It's usually more a high on ostrogen than androgen thing. Personally don't think manly men can be narcissistic, overambitious at most. But narcissim per se is a feminine trait since it stems from vanity...
@@zabooza74 what??? Narcissistic personality disorder isn't caused by vanity, and happens in men and women. It's a personality disorder. Research it a bit mate.
Personally I’ve been on both sides of this dance. I developed an avoidant style in order to compensate after being hurt too many times and chasing so much. By the time I began to truly realize what I was doing my partner was already tired of waiting and putting in the effort. Now I feel so awake and alive. I’ve been putting in the work and my hunger for growth is bottomless. I barely recognize myself. I just wish I could have figured my shit out sooner. She deserved that and more. I miss her every day. My advice to other avoidant types: trust your partner. Even if you can’t see it, if your partner brings this to your attention, trust them. Get help. Anxious types, set hard boundaries. Going no contact can actually be a good plan B. I recommend doing so before you lose emotional attraction. If it triggers change then reconciliation will be a relief for both of you.
Woo I’m currently in a situation with a DA. I’m the anxious one. We haven’t dated but we have feelings for each other. When he becomes vulnerable it is so beautiful we have so much in common. Then it’s like he realizes he’s becoming vulnerable and closes himself off to me. It hurts. And he’s the one who pursued me and got me to fall for him. I tried to avoid him and be mean. It just made us both miserable. We keep going through this cycle and I’m tired of it. Does not help that we work together. The struggle is real.
the same 😢
Get out while youre still able to not loose yourself, nothing good will ever come from a trauma bond
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
What a simple and wholesome exchange on the internet!
... almost seems TOO simple and wholesome. 🤔🧐
Having a “relationship” with an avoidant is an incredible lesson that my value and worth has absolutely nothing to do with her lack of love and care. Her mental issues are not mine. I can still love her regardless and I can be and am still loved dearly every single day…just not by her. Do I deserve to be loved by her? I guess…but we have a precious child together and we are all worth being together everyday even if our avoidant is currently walled up.
Needed to hear that. My avoidant broke up with me and he said « this is the last hug » as he watched me leave. His mental health issues arent mine.
Four years of confusion, hot and cold. Scorched earth was the only way to save myself. I can’t stand what he did to me. Before I was making excuses for his behaviour, now I simply feel repulsed by it. Much happier!
I’m anxious attachment. It’s so overpowering to feel the more you try the more you push the other person away. Idk I stopped giving my all to someone who does the bare minimum
It’s been 8 months. We were together nearly 6 years. She never came back. I realized she has a history of avoidant attachment and was non confrontational. She compartmentalized all her trauma and always ran at the sense of difficulty. It’s just who she is. It’s who she’ll continue to be unless she gets the help she needs.
And that help will not happen given the avoidance. Rinse and repeat
Dam I was nearly 4 years with her it has been 1 month I am looking for other it sucks
I was with one of these girls for 8 years. She left and I was absolutely crushed. Wanted her back so badly. But by the time I started to heal and move on, she was constantly trying to come back and get back together. It took a me around 2 years to fully get over it. Long relationships take a while to heal from, and getting back with them feels safe and comfortable, but you gotta just let them go. Trust me I’m so much better off now.
They avoid everything including responsibility
Sorry. I ended my 5.5 year relationship recently. He said maybe down the line I’ll realize you’re the love of my life and I let you get away. So heartbreaking.
I see a lot of blame in the comments and I get it bc it isn’t fair, but also I think it’s important to realize and recognize that this is a wound that people have to heal and show them some grace. They aren’t ready like you were and that’s okay. Move on to someone who is and wish them well ❤
Step one: recognize you are, unfortunately, involved with an avoidant. Step two: Leave before your soul shatters into a million pieces. Egads. Get away.
My soul has shattered 😢
Heart and soul shattered 💔
Same here
I’m shattered
If they're watching this video and reading this comment, the heart has already been shattered unfortunately 😢
Dated a avoidant for 3 years and I’m anxious. Still today he has always left instead of fixing 3 months left and this is the longest we been done. I am happy I am meeting people who listen and are very caring and loving . I will never go back or date a avoidant.
Thanks to you MS. Thais I dont review old stories to blame myself anymore because I know I did everything right
Just got out of my first relationship with a DA after 2,5 years . What a learning curve! All the signs were there from the beginning but I ignored them because I didn’t understand attachment styles before this. I did an online survey to find out what my attachment style is and it said secure. Going forward I will not get involved with these type of people. I am now able to identify them. Guess I had to learn the hard way!
Me too
A rollacoaster of emotions , just broke up a few weeks ago but feeling stronger and wiser, lesson learned, his lost will be someone else’s gain 😊, I am so proud proud of my resilience
The memories of all the good things you did come back like a tidal wave, and when we see you now with someone else its devastating. I've been working on changing my DAness. You don't realize this is a thing with you until youre the one that didnt walk away.
I feel you.
Finally someone that I can feel with in all these messages! I wish you so much strength and I'm proud ure fighting this!
My relationship of 9yrs ended a year ago and I didn’t know we had broken up ,I’ve never seen love turn to hate so quickly, the healing process in my opinion is is harder when you don’t know and it makes you question was it ever really real.
Definitely sad reading the comments when you're a D.A. yourself, came to watch this video to gain some insight and understand the subconscious traits to try action some things in my life. Being a D.A. doesnt mean we actively go out of our way to treat you that way, remember to stop pointing the finger. We all have our issues and some of us are trying to heal from them.
I used to be a DA too. Something made me change from DA to FA and hopefully on the path to becoming secure... You can change and it's great that you are trying. But now that I have my own experience dealing with a DA man, I can tell you for sure that it's a soul crushing experience. Anxious attachers stress me out for sure; but at least they show they're here... in their own way I guess 😅 But with a DA you have no clue what's going on, even as a former DA myself. Because they say nothing, it's all assumptions. So all I can do is remember what I used to think as a DA: "I like this person but not enough, it's worth changing for them". And then leave... if as avoidants we don't communicate it's unfair to let the other person just assume what's going on in our tormented minds 😕
Now if we do try to communicate and they still make it all about themselves and their needs, then it's another story.
“Some” of you ARE trying to heal from them, but I think it’s a rarity.
I gave 18 years to a man who was unwilling to take accountability for his actions. I was supportive and gentle and caring and worked hard to create a dynamic that was healthy.
He was wholly incapable (or unwilling) to assess his part in why we were triggering each other. I knew what was going on. I tried to work with what was going on, but when you only have one person in the relationship who is willing to accept reality and give voice to it as a means to move on and do things differently in the future (so the cycle ends permanently), it’s NEVER going to work.
The silent treatment, the stonewalling, the refusal to engage in conversation that might illuminate issues, the shutting down … never got better or improved. When the standard response from him becomes, “It’s not important,” you know he’s never going to change … the dynamic’s never going to change.
“You can’t change what you fail to acknowledge.”
And that’s what the majority of us face with DA’s.
@@Alixir1228Why are you so violent?
My DA did in fact reach out after 30 days, she's admitted wholeheartedly of her mistake and we are making progress every day. Stay strong NC works, grieve, focus and grow.
Did this and spiraled right back down
🙏🙏🌹🌹💕💕
@@avantikor360 This means you need to grow more internally, no contact only wins when you each win for yourself first. Without that nothing you do matters if you want to get back together. IMO
Happy for you brother .
You're so lucky to have this chance again 👍. Good luck 👍👍👍
Just happened to me. Its awful. Why date if someone is like this. Its painful. Totally no contact...its hurtful
Are you asking: what were my faults in the relationship ? Where did I fall short ? Don’t assume your partner is an avoidant because you didn’t work on the things your “avoidant” partner often talked to you about.
If they’re gone.. grief, get back on track with who you are and what you love to do, and the rest will fall into place.
8 billion people in this world
Yes ❤❤❤
They are incapable of change. They might make promises but ultimately can't follow through. It's a lose cause for the other person in the relationship.
no one is incapable of change.
Thankyou for this. My partner of 6yrs who suffered with anxiety, depression and childhood trauma called it quits on our relationship 18 months ago. I’m still hurting and trying to work through why she would walk away from something that was loving and supportive. The pain I’m struggling with is the ‘What if …’ , ‘ I should have..’, etc. I’m realizing that there was probably a lot of things I could done to help but if someone pulls away physically and emotionally and stops communicating, how can I. I reached out via text recently just say hi and ask how she is but there was no response. She has just gone.
The "triggers" that I set off just made his feelings for the relationship negative. And him cold and distant. So everything he was feeling was negative and overshadowed all the beauty of ehat we had and the friendship we had. He told me his feelings for me will never change but the feelings for the relationship and how he feels I treated him will never change. So, throughout our relationship while I was trying to fix the triggers(w/out knowing about attachment styles) it was for nothing. He just pulled back until he was a cold as f&#k stranger to me
This is the clue for us tho. The more we try and work on something they don't actively want to work on themselves, the more stressed they get and the more likely they will avoid you emotionally till the bond is completely gone. My soon-to-be ex told a lie to her parents in order to see me, because her parents ambushed her with questions and worries like I might be some crazy person there to abduct and kidnap her. Full background check (government level) the whole deal. It was our first date... Worst thing I did was jumping on my bike without my lights on. I slept in a city nearby to be close to her for a weekend. She lied to her parents, and then collapsed the same day because of the weight of it. I was literally at the airport about to board my plane when she tried to cancel our 700 euro weekend trip. After our trip (i still went) she pulled back once again, went from saying "i love you" and "goodmorning/goodnight" to not responding at all the week after our trip. I then wanted to visit again, which gave her stress, I wanted a little more commitment, which gave her stress, I also wanted the lie with her parents to be disassembled so we stood a chance, which basically paralyzed her due to stress.
After I got accepted at my new job, and her only reply was "okay." I started to get angry, when she hung up on me later that evening because I wanted to talk about the lie to her parents... I wanted a break. And almost classic, the break is now over, but she needs more time. Her responses are short, cold and distant. It's already over, I'm just respecting her to figure out the same the next 2 weeks. We are not going to be and stay friends. She was my right hand in my community. She's going to lose everything we build together. She lost the friendship, once she had me, and couldn't commit to me. She wanted me, she got me and had no idea what to do with me once she got me. And she couldn't keep me because she herself sabotaged our relationship with the lie.
She's great and a sweetheart, but only 2/10 days.
How does this "process" feel to the avoidant if I did the breaking up? I really didn't want to, but I DID tell her I felt as if she'd "abandoned" the relationship and that I had ZERO idea of how she felt about us... If I actually died, would she care? ...or was I the greatest thing since sliced bread? I had no clue of her feelings because she could NOT communicate verbally. She never did, but finally it just wore down the relationship to its demise.
You just mentioned EXACTLY what I could not find words for. "If I died, would he have cared?". Hmmm. Horrible "relationship" to be in. Such experiences are given to us, more so we can appreciate the next partner - where we know we are cared for, supported etc in a healthy way. I choose moving on.
@@Nika-je6zd amen.
@@Nika-je6zd in fact, I even asked her what advice she'd give her own son if HE was dating a woman under the same dynamics as we were experiencing...she stonewalled as she usually did
@kjjx125 Answer: fuq these people. After a while, love (on your part) turns into anger and resentment. They really do NOT deserve a compassionate and loving partner. Truly, FUCK THEM!!!
Neglect is abuse as my mother would say
I greatly prefer your videos with none, less music or non-intense/stressful music at the beginning. I watch all of your videos and love all of your content. Keep up the good work! Thank you! ❤
The best gift was to let go and move on!! No going back
The worst is when you are acfively workijg on going avainst your avoidant instincts and feel the most vulnerable youve ever been.... really making leaps and bounds.... and you find out you did so with the wrong person who turned out to be just like those thst neglected you in the first place. Its like a wound re-opened. People with avoidant attachment arent bad. Many of us are workijg hard to heal and overcome it, but we are still drawn to the wrong people just like everyone else and we get wrecked, too....
Fearful avoidant came back after 2 years! I told him I had a baby in that time and that baby could have been with him however he left and my life went on.
Good for you! Im so proud of you🥺❤️
Went through the same. So proud of you / us for not waiting around. Avoidants are NEVER worth waiting around for…especially for women.
It's almost 2 years and he's trying to come back. Before breaking up with him, I gave him the book Attached so he could look in the mirror in my absence. I have no time or energy for the BS
This video was a great help to me! Giving me an understanding of the avoidant situation. My LDR started with a 'love bomb.' She was thrilled to have met me online. First time we talked she teared up. For a few months, she was so happy. Then she started to revert back to state of mind from her unhappy youth, etc. Now? Easily goes 2-3 weeks without contact. Keeps a great distance. Doesn't share news with me. I do feel taken for granted & am giving her silence, too.
Last time, when it was my birthday, she wrote a sweet message about how she loved me. Directly after, 2 weeks of silence then, after about 4 days with a little chat, she was quiet for almost 3 weeks. All I could think about was, "This is how much you love me?" It doesn't equate for me if she doesn't care about reaching out.
I just recently had a situation with an avoidant, i fortunately set boundaries early on and scared him away, it was hurtful, but i kept my sanity and dodged a HUGE bullet
Nothing. They don’t do anything. They stay away, so silent and don’t contact.
I've had a history with avoidant people because my own mother was an avoidant. She was very hot and cold, and also emotionally abusive. Almost ten years of no contact and she still tries to reach me. I've had relationships where an avoidant will push me away, but when I leave, they chase me. I learned to block them. They sadly don't change often.
If she was really avoidant she would have stopped trying to reach out after so many rejections of your part
This is what what I had to learn about 10 yrs ago when I broke up w my ex.
I had been suddenly widowed in at 35 and then met someone else. I thought he was my next soul mate, he was an organic farmer and I had studied organic farming when I was younger. I had a young child from my previous marriage. We dated seriously but also fairly volatilely for just under 4 yrs.
I was seeking stability and commitment and he said he was in love with me but wouldn't commit. It brought out the best and the worst in me. We broke up so many times in those nearly 4 years, until I finally pulled the plug and went cold turkey. It was genuinely like overcoming and addiction.
I broke up w him 10 yrs ago this summer, my son is now nearly grown and I have had a lot of positive life experiences since then. Life is still a journey, but I have healed from that. But holy shit, that was one of the craziest times of my life
It sure helps me to read this. Our paths are actually more alike than different. Wow. Organic farming and widowhood? Yep. And addiction is a relatable term. It helps me to read your hopeful comment. The future is bright even though right now my heart hurts from the breakup talk my DA boyfriend had with me a week ago. 😢
They realize they never had you and walk away.
Nothing happens. The avoidant doesn't care.
I think some do. My ex failed a class after we broke up. She also did other things that makes me think she cares.
That's a ridiculous take
Oh.. I understand it hurts. But they do care, just not like you do.
Yes they care. They juste aren't equipped to deal with it. I do believe what Tais says about it being so hard for them because they don't deal with their feelings.
My DA ex left me, totally panicked after 1yr and blurting one Sunday afternoon cuddling at his house that I should move stuff in.... Literally following weekend he was breaking up with me "because I wasn't a good girlfriend because when I sleep I hit his legs with my knees moving around"... But for 1.5 yr every 4 months like clockwork he would find an excuse to send a message to keep contact going however superficial. After 1yr he asked to meet he was the one literally crying saying I was his soul mate and he was trying to work on himself but he just couldn't handle it. After there I wrote him a letter saying it was too hard for me so to never contact me again so that I could move on and five months after that he still sent me a message for my birthday so I yelled at him for not respecting my wish and blocked him...
Ad hard as everything was on me, I faced my feelings, I did the work I healed, and he's still stuck in this limbo after 2 yrs of dating around superficially for 3 months and the breaking up and going through a depression of regretting his choices with me .. then repressing and starting again. I know that because I got this news from a worried friend a month ago and it has been 2.5yrs.
I think they care in their own way which is not acceptable to us. Its really a hard relationship. Alot of ups and downs and feels like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. However, it does feel like they dont care. Seems like they care when they are with you but when they are not, they dont. My ex always broke up with me over text, about every week, due to those hard conversations such as spending time. which to me should not be a hard conversation but she always made every serious conversation something bad, then she would get agitated and break up with me. it was the most immature relationship I had ever been in. i swear!!!
This video is so relevant to my recent relationship. My ex is a dismissive avoidant and she cut off our relationship after 11 months with some very lame excuses. She didn't allow any closure for us. We did have a "too good to be true" relationship for the entire time!
Same thing happened to me and she jumped back on the dating apps like a week or two later
Let me guess the excuses “I have to heal my traumas, work on myself, I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved” etc
@Chichipompom-c4r Her excuses were, I am not ready to be in a serious relationship, I need to work on myself, and I need to take some space for myself. Then she went on Bumble and hooked up with a verbally abusive and manipulative guy. Now she is miserable but won't leave him.
@@priebess lol my ex said the same things as well. Go no contact. It’s the best thing you can do unfortunately.
@Chichipompom-c4r Are you moving on or would you give your ex another chance?
All those negative comments about D
FA/DA are making me sick.
Im one of them, unfortunately got to love AA girl. I was unconcious of my disability, and hurt her so many times. I reassure you we also have feelings, we also love. It's not that i wanted to be like that. I love her still, I started therapy and I would love to give her what she needed. Meanwhile all of you call us souless robots/monsters. Thanks, but again I didn't choose to be like that and i assure you I can love.
The way I see it, it's the same as the extrovert/introvert "fight". Just because their insecurities show in a more outward way, anxious attachers see themselves as better than avoidants who are more inward. This projection helps them deflect from their own insecurities and from the fact that there is a reason why they were attracted in an avoidant in the first place.
Now let's be honest, that doesn't mean avoidants are not difficult to deal with. As an avoidant myself, I would recommend anyone dealing with an avoidant who deflect from the hard conversation to just leave.
Avoidance is not a "disability" it's just a category we use to describe certain attitudes that can be changed. Good on you for working on yourself. But for those who don't, there's no reason for the partner to endure such a miserable relationship...
I am not an avoidant but I clearly have abandonment issues, and if it helps not everybody would simply throw you away. I am struggling to make sense of issues and I can definitely say that my ex did the same to me as he is also an avoidant, however I didnt help the situation as I have abandonment anxiety. So every time he did his things I would go off the rail totally, which of course triggered him ever more. And you are absolutely correct, we all do things we not even aware of none of us are perfect all we can do is work thru our own issues and work in being the best we can be. Trauma from the past is in every person even the judgemental ones
Just wanted to ask, as a person, who really thought it could be worked out with an avoidant. He decided to end things and I accepted it calmly (not because I wanted it, but just because if the person says that he "couldn't give me what I want", then there is no point in bargaining). We are in no contact for about 2 months (unfollowed in each social media), no mutual friends, but he kinda gave the mixed signal (liked the message from the old dialogue).
My question would be, if the person comes back and wants the second chance, what would be the signs for you, as an avoidant, that it's genuinely important for them. I have a big fear, that it would just be a vicious circle (as soon as I attach, he'll run).
@@audreyr2647 yeah I get what you mean. I see my friends in relationships like that, and they are nowhere close to realise that there is no good ending there, also no point in there. From what I experienced, the only way for avoidant to change is selfrealisation or maybe being suggested by someone not biased, because generally close people say it's just the way you are, which is true but it don't has to be thay way. There is absolutely no point staying in that kind of relationship unless there is a want to change, perfectly on both sides.
@@christianlanders5216 I mean, it can only work if he seeks therapy, and knows that his behavior was destructing and want that change in them. Avoidants are hard to mantain even for secure type people not to mention anxious ones. There is an attachment style called Fearful/Deorganised Avoidant which makes that person really wanting for healthy and fulfilling relationship but when things get more intense it triggers their avoidant behaviors. I would say it's sinusoidal, as I mark exactly this type. He definetly thinks about you, I think he even miss you and want your relationship to work. Im like 90% sure, but if he's not willing to see his fault and that his avoidant behaviors are cause of your breakup, then Im also sure you will fall into that circle.
I'm in a unique situation with a DA whereby I have to see her in passing most days until she or I move house. She's always breadcrumbing during contact and thinks im sulky and butt hurt when I pull away.
This is a special kind of purgatory.
I wish I could simply switch off my feelings but it's not possible.
I feel you, had been there... I was lucky she had enough money to retreat on a rented flat for a few months so I didn't have to suffer from this very uncomfortable situation for too long. Needless to say she broke up 4 months later, when the short-term rent was reaching an end. We are selling the house we just bought a few months before (4y+ relationship, starting to fall off just 2 weeks prior to closing the deal). Keep up mate.
P.S. : Oh and I think I had something similar to your "sulky and butt hurt" reproach. A friend of hers told me that she felt rejected since the breakup (oh ironic... ) .
I had to share an apartment with mine and we didn’t see each others faces for an entire month. Avoided seeing her and would go into work 4 hours early to sleep on the floor. I was cooking dinner in my bedroom with a rice cooker and air fryer. I moved out and live in an apartment 3 doors down the hall and I’m working on myself. Turn that energy back on yourself and build back stronger. It’s possible but you have to keep a strong mind. They don’t deserve us.
@dimitrifert3321 ahh that's crap man. Women will pretty much always tell us what we need to know via their behaviour. Their words are merely a metric to compare actions against once they are ascertained as no trust worthy. Hell of a ball this dating, until one day, fingers crossed, it will all work itself out. Until then I want some chocolate and a wank!!!!
I'm with you. I have to see mine each week.
OMG this is exactly what my DA ex did. I didn't understand how I went from being put on a pedestal to being dropped suddenly after 23 years.
23 years and it was just one time and he dropped you like that, gotta be honest, that does not sound like a DA.
To be around for 23 years and this is the first time he just broke up and ghosted.
Yeah idk 23 years if they didn’t show any signs before is kind of crazy
My wife of 22 yrs did exactly the same on May 29th this year following a silly argument.I now realise that she had been planning it for months maybe even years, I had to leave the house with a few belongings and live in my RV for two months during which she told me our marriage was over by email!At the time she was completely void of emotion and put my belongings in the garden of the house and left me with a large debt(which I have now managed to clear).She has kept all of the items we purchased throughout our marriage. and is still ghosting me which is immature .I believe Karma will follow.
For me this sounds more like you can't take accountability
My husband is an avoidant. He will go in work as he has done for years. He prefers to be alone he feels good that way. So I have been neglected emotionally and sexually. Not being pursued as a woman, no intimacy kills the love in a marriage. Unfortunately I am anxious attachment but his behavior is over the top neglect.
so get therapy or leave. Your'e not a helpless victim.
i feel like after i've binged-digging on this DA stuff for 72 hrs. I've already found peace in me and started accepting the breakup with my ex DA. i felt bad for her and had i known that she is a notorious DA, i would've done a lot better to deal with her and probably we're just fine. but, i take this experience as a hard lessons, and also start working on myself to be secure as well.. wish her the best in life, i love her so i set her free. i'm 60-70% feeling better than the moment she formally announced we're not connected anymore roughly a week ago. so yeah.. this will be my last video on digging and deep-diving into DA. thank you so much btw for enlightening us who got left behind/hanging by our ex DA..
I'm FA and it's like Thais is describing my entire life pattern. I just lost someone I still deeply love. This time I'm getting clean (from addiction), and doing counseling, including books and workbooks regarding more awareness of my trauma. I'm trying to "fix" myself or at the very least understand myself better and regulate my behavior. She went no contact over 30 days ago and I've forgotten what this kind of pain/grief feels like and it sucks.
Yeah brother. Welcome to the broken hearts club. You heal you go forward. You appreciate the hell
Out of your next partner when that comes kk. Take nothing for granted no happiness no pleasant moments. Those are gifts all of
Them diamonds more diamonds for all of us amen
@@andreatorluemke4982 Amen.
Did you talked with her again?
@@celeste4098 Actually yes, we're talking again. I didn't think we would be. I need to stay clean and focus on work, and my fitness, staying clean, doing productive things.
@@SCnative64 I'm glad you've got a 2nd chance and that you are improving yourself
My ex was a RAGING narcissist with this exact attachment style. I completely fell apart and my mental health plunged. Took me years to begin healing and fully understand what was going on. I feel like I'm just now at the end stages of healing 4 years later. Videos like this are so validating💕
what is really frustrating with a few ex friends of mine is that I triggered their vulnerability and they pulled away and it wasn't related to being in a potential relationship, I was too open for them (I was FA at the time). It left me hurt, confused, ruminating
I had 4 DAs women and I must admit they were all a vacuum sucker of my psychical energy and nerves. Not showing emotions, even less to me that I got from a random stranger or a friend when trying to get close to them physically. If you are anxiously attached and not aware of your attachment you will suffer a lot. I went from anxious to secure within 1 year setting boundaries. Now I can spot those predators very soon. but know you still need to learn a lot of human psychology on YT first to get knowledge and second not to forget it. Secure people can deal with DAs by pulling away on time but if you are not strong they can make you anxious attached again soon, bare that in mind. Deal with people who chose you only.
Really good advice. Very clearly put. Makes sense now. Been through so much trying to make sense of what happened.
As much as I want to understand her side that it wasn't her fault because she was avoidant... I don't deserve the treatment I was given, calling me names and blaming me that it ended.
I just found out he is the "AVOIDANT PERSON" & it hurts!! I've been with him on / off for 11 yrs., and plus 3 kids and he just left us "JUST LIKE THAT" ... such a emotional wreck!! Idk if he is, why is he with his ex wife for 16 years ...
I walked away from her because she didn’t value my time or me as a person , deleted her from social media etc , yet she’s still watching my stories . She tried once to come back and apologized for how she was acting then did again the next day and I was said nope I’m out ✌🏻
Avoidant here. I’ve never regretted a break up. Nor have my avoidant friends. She is slinging anecdotes here. Don’t expect people to change who they are. Don’t worry about their attachment style. Focus on yourself, love yourself and know what you want in a relationship and then only date ppl that share your relationship goals. A lot of us avoidants are just fine alone! Maybe that’s ok too.
Your attachment style is not healthy.
@@mickey099is not at all
Ok whatever
I am so grateful I came across your channel. Right now I am going through a break up with my DA partner of 15 years. As a Coach and a secure attachment style, I felt that it was my responsibility to keep 'trying' to help him heal and set himself free. Thank you for the tips on how to start healing from this pain. Intend on watching all your videos, now that I have found you :-)
Your How to Heal from a Breakup course was so helpful. Thank you!
Avoidant are exhausting and, in my humble opinion, not worth it for 3 reasons. 1) They require constant and incredible amount of work and patience to keep the relationship alive. 2) Yet, you will get very little in return for all your efforts, sacrifice and devotion. 3) As soon as you mess up, even if just a little bit, you will be crucified. I have given up and I feel so relieved. It is so nice to be with a normal healthy person who appreciates you the way you appreciate her.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach one?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Coping mechanism. They monkey branch to another person, as a person would cope with a vice under stress. Except their rebound partners are the vices to cope with all of the previous. It's a descending feedback loop of growing traumas if left untreated since they lack vulnerability and communication skills. Which they typically avoid doing until they realize it's too late and they're old and nobody wants them. A miserable existence.
My ex was married before for 10 years. We had a very loving relationship and he dumped me out of the blue. It wasn't me, it was him. He just needed space. I thought he was going to propose. I've gone no contact for two months now and knowing more about avoidant attachment, it'll stay that way.
She didn't actually want me, she wanted to USE me to get over her ex who had just ghosted her. She manipulated me by being highly vulnerable, bonding with me over common traumas, and then went full avoidant about 2-3 weeks in and eventually I realized she used me. I've had people since then tell me "you still hit, a win is a win" and I'm just here like WTF is wrong with y'all? I mean, I get it, dudes are supposed to be the ones without emotion and don't get attached, but I felt a real connection with her and she broke me and everyone is here making jokes about it. I never wanted to be used. If she had been upfront that she just wanted a rebound lay, I'd have played that game and been ok, but she acted and said she was looking for something more serious and wanted to see where things would go with me. She never did. She just wanted to get laid.
God bless you brother, protect your energy next time and pay attention to the signs , don’t let the lust and emotions blind you
Feel tormented being a DA and would do anything to get rid of it. Reading the comments makes me sad. We are not bad people just absolutely taken over by fear to the point where my body feels ill being riddled by fear for so long.
Thank you so much. Your videos have helped me process something very painful in a way that nothing else has. You are a god send. 🙏🙏🙏
I did learn to avoid avoidant AS people in my therapy. Happy camper now….🎉❤🎉…. repaired my own ATS issues… did heal and still heal, deep wounds from being neglected. You can change but not without grieving your losses from childhood….
The 20th time an "avoidant" loses a good partner, for some instants think: may be I'm a NARCISIST... NAAAAAAAH, IMPOSSIBLE...
STOP AVOIDANT BULLSHIT: IT'S NARCISISM...
My ex fiancée is 100% one. But I love her and she’s not a bad person.
We broke up back in May and 5 months later, we’re back together after she went through all the stages mentioned in the video. She doesn’t believe in these theories but when she explained to me what she’s been through the past 5 months… it’s on point. Furthermore, she happens to be the rare and brave soul that reached out to me first.
As an anxious type(though more towards secure type, now), myself, following the “no contact” rule was hard and painful; even gave me CSR in my right eye due to high stress and anxiety levels. But it paid off. I never thought I’d see her again, but here we are. I hope we are now better prepared to deal future ups and downs.
I have no excuses for the behaviour! I just chose to be brave and face it! So I have healthy relationship with myself and others!
It sucks. I really like her. I know she likes me too. It just hurts too much. I did everything I could.
This was very very informative and really helps me with going through this. Thank you
I heard about the avoidant term just now. I was thinking that my bf is a narcisist, but there were things that clicked and things that didnt click.
It seems I'm stuck putting my life on hold, waiting for him to include me in his plans. Even ignored, I keep on waiting while he's living his life, planning, and all that. In the end, he just let me know what he had already decided. I'm nowhere in his plans 😢nowhere. Still, i can't make any decisions and can't plan anything, thinking that maybe he's gonna want me that day.
He's my priority, my VIP, while I'm just an option to him.
I'm realizing all that, and still, i won't move on. Im afraid that I'll actually succeed and...what if he's gonna come back to me and I'll be gone and not want him anymore? Feels like im stuck. Cant rise above my own twisted mind.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
It's difficult to let go of someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but I couldn't just let her go I did all I could to get her back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
After experience of DA now I request psychologist certificate of attachment style before involvment.
I just ended things with my DA partner. I feel utter misery. I hope it's for the best, but my mind is constantly questioning why I was never good enough for basic relationship needs being considered. I hope I and everyone else that's ever been in my position get better.
When they realize God is never replaceable...
I appreciate your expertise and compassion for DA'S.
You have shifted my perspective on my estranged husband who abandoned me to build a mini mansion for his next secret pologimous marriage and the illegitimate children thereof.
Had his ass tagged as MALICIOUS MANEVOLENT COVERT NARCISSIST with DEMONIC ENTITIES attached.
PERIODT.
EVILS against me untold-betrayals unknown completely.
I have no story. My lack of SELF LOVE, WORTH, and RESPECT...combined with SUPER EMPATH equ
Began to take RESPONSIBILITY for MYSELF. HEALING still. Investing in SELF only. Shining LIGHT in the darkness. Hopefully they ALL will HEAL.
...but yeah. Perspective.
She either monkey branched into another relationship, or jumped into a rebound, and still with him (10 months now) so she’s not feeling anything about me, and probably never has since.
This is good advise after you made the decision to let go and see yourself on a new focused "I'm going to be a millionaire" path. It gives perspective after the fact.
We dated 2 1/2 years and when he came back a decade later and said it was a couple of months. 😂 guess he forgot the christmases we had together. Wow. That one hurt.
my ex never processed his dad’s death, even years later. he had to swallow his grief and make a living. I needed 110% commitment (anxious attachment) and he just wasn’t able to give me what I needed. He let me go early instead of wasting my time. I have so much respect for my ex, and his character was what made me fall in love in the first place. i just wished it worked out between us, but he needs to address his issues first.
Too bad for my 2 exes like this, I'm unforgettable 😆, one's tried to come back many times, the other one went into what seems to me is a rebound
They are children - hungry and thinking of their own needs only as they are stuck in childhood trauma age. They are not fit for a grown relationship. They are very egocentric (children) and only focused on their needs and don’t have the necessary qualities for a relationship.
Relationship with them will always be on and off and will cause frustration and anxiety to the most secured person even. It’s like being with a child. They just don’t comprehend normal emotional bond. They long for you as some sort of energy for them just like a child longs for their mum. But they can’t give you anything back. They are empty. The top and bottom of it is they are empty emotionally and hungry so they have nothing to give, only take.
Explains why my ex always reaches out around 3 months after "running." Smh!
My(m) female best friend is an anxious avoidant. It can be tough, but I just support her and be there for her when she needs it. The things she does are not to be taken personally, but it does take some understanding to deal with it.
Both avoidance ive been wirh went into another relationship