Actually it’s best to be silent, save your energy and let the avoidant realize what they want in life. You don’t have to say anything unless you want to feel you need to. Everything meant for you will never pass you by.
Everything meant for you sure can pass you by. Many people are frozen in time and let all that is meant for them pass them by. As the saying goes you can lead horse to water but you can't make it drink. That's these people where what is meant for them shows up repeatedly and they turn a blind out being comfortable in their own personal hell.
My avoidant came back after about a month, after I had given her an ultimatum, which triggered her to a month of silence. She fulfilled about half of my conditions to get back together. I have just reminded her of the ultimatum conditions, which will probably trigger her again to no contact. Which is ok because I am reaching the end of my patience with her and her behaviour is eroding the quite strong feelings that I had for her.
@@britishpatriot812 Yeah I recoginized my patterns that made her go away, sometimes I were too clingy and anxious.. hopefully she comes back and we can try to set some boundaries and give it another shot
I have zero tolerance and zero patience, I nipped mine in the bud abd abruptly ended tge relationship the first time she took me for granted and shut down emotionally, I hurt first and hurt hardest in order that she fully face the consequences of her bad behaviour. I’ve been down this track before so I know how it works. These people really don’t face up to themselves and they don’t ’do the work’ unfortunately. Avoid the avoidant at all costs ! I’m here trying to figure out how the hell I’ve attracted another one of these things into my life after many years in a normal loving relationship. They’re not easy to spot till many amazing months have gone by
Why are they all the same? My avoidant long term girlfriend stopped visiting me or caring, declining physical intimacy. I communicated effectively several times and was patient with her. I eventually told her I was channeling my time and effort away from the relationship when things became worst. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to communicate what’s wrong and why she’s emotionally unavailable in the relationship, flaking on date nights and quality time at mine. She never responded to that breakup message but views my stories. It’s been a month now. I don’t expect her to come back but I know she will try to come back indirectly. She’s an avoidant! She once dm me out of the blue a wedding video of some couple in my dream destination during our last major breakup.
To the fellow anxious.. im 8months in feeling a bit better. No contact is working to build you up to distract you from making the bond worse with your DA. Instead use the time to work on things in you and be your best self put the DA on the back burner and make yourself the priority, use the anxiety your feeling to poor love out into yourself! Its hard but keep telling yourself "if they wont love me thats okay because i'll Love me."
this is so hard man, it is my 3rd month of no contact. i was abruptly cut out after suggesting what we can do to improve the connection and heal ourselves, thou i admit i did offer friendship. she lashed out and called me names became very toxic and was unreasonable. she even gave me this threat, msg me and ill block you. but after reading that threat instead of being scared and begging and chasing, i was turned off and just seen her msg. she waited for a week, block unblock me on fb before blocking me completely on fb and whatsapp. btw no accountability, while i was open enough to say sorry and all. whats worst is that after a month she monkey branched to a new rel and now shes doing all her might to suppress her raw feelings for me and erasing my existence as she pursue this new person, giving all the love and attention. she even projects the opposite to people like shes happy and moved on(her friend said) that f*****g stings to the core. ending? im now seeing a psychologist and therapy.
Good points! For the AP, avoidants are like kryptonite. Putting yourself first and creating distance can really help. There were some avoidants that I loved, but sadly these people can't show up for me in a healthy way, and can't communicate properly during conflict. If a person won't show up for you properly, you have to let them go. It's a painful lesson, but at least I'm learning now.
Nope. He's the one who wanted distance and independance, now he has it. l'm done with the anxiety induced by attempting to love him. Maybe he shouldve loved me back.
What wasn't working in the relationship? I am gonna tell you what wasn't working. I was doing everything right. I gave her so much love, care, patience, time, I was helping her every time when she needed help, i never hurt her, I was not arguing about anything, I gave all myself to her and she fell in love with me. I was too good for her. And that's exactly why she discarded me like trash without any reason! They are extremely fucked up people. Stay away from them!
@@MikeS-r2p deep inside i know she is a good person but she is completely damaged inside by her fearfull-avoidant attachment style. Doesn't matter if they are good or bad persons. Result is the same. They discarding and hurting people. I tried to help her but she didn't go to therapy and discarded me after a wonderful year without even one argument.
@@1224polo you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. They have to want it for themselves. As for a perfect year, maybe it wasn't perfect for her. She might not have addressed things that were going wrong. If we're that happy, we don't leave. Something happened.
@@MikeS-r2p no. You are so wrong. Nothing happened. The more good you are for them they are more likely to abandon you because they fear you will figure out that you are way better than they are and you will abandon them so they prefer do the abandonment themselves to not suffer
@@MikeS-r2pDude you're defending someone and have no idea what's going on with them. Have you not heard all the stories of avoidants discarding people because they feel they're "too good" for them? It happens all the time. So the only other "side" is that the avoidant needs serious help. Defending their behavior just creates more confusion in their mind. They need to get help, period.
Hadn't spoken to avoidant in close to 8 months after I found out about another woman he's dealing with.. I walked away quietly and went about my business. Recently, He asked me to watch his pets while he goes on a "group" trip. He tried reaching out on another occasion in the most awkward way; because he's trying feel me out. He bought a boat and says, "You gotta come and hang out". Meanwhile, he has a picture of him and the new woman (she was never new) as his screen saver. My friend saw it while they were conversing. I say "No thank you" to being used by someone who misses the emotional nourishment I provided, but wants to have fun and bliss with other women.
@@oliveyello Thank you for your kind response. It was wild the first time he reached out. I didn't answer/respond when he initially reached out after all those months; but to ask to watch his pets??? Still dealing with the other woman? Attachment style or not, I don't understand ppl like him.
My DA ex alternates her time between here in Australia and Europe. Messaging me almost daily and wants to hang out with me for dinner, watching TV etc when shes here (we live in the same apartment block) as 'friends'. Then when we do hang out (as 'friends')... she often tells me all about how 'unsure' she is about the new rich boyfriend she picked up in Europe on her last trip. He's insecure, he's a narcissist, he body shames her...blah blah blah... only to then head back to Europe and conveniently live with this guy for several months at a time... while still messaging me empty "How are you?" emotionless messages. The last time 4 months ago she did this she told me I'm 'the most amazing person she knows' and she 'absolutely loves spending time with me'... but 'I just love being in Europe'. My problem is I still have feelings for her. Being the wonderful friend who 'did nothing wrong' and is 'the most beautiful perfect person she has ever met' (her exact words when she upped and left for Europe the first time) and who was good enough for over 12 months and then out of the blue al of a sudden wasn't good enough is an incredibly hard place to be.
Conflict presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team.
I read all the comments about DAs and felt compelled to comment. I'm happily married to a DA. He is becoming more secure and so am I. Through good communication it's possible, and it doesn't feel like work. I actually find the DA appreciates difficult conversations as long as they're calm and non blaming. I'm not saying that people should be with a DA if it's not right for them, but I've found some of the DA traits have been brilliant and given me space and helped me be more analytical and communicate more effectively. I'm a better and happier person because of my relationship with my DA.
No contact is hard, but I'm learning so much, and digging my feet in to not make contact, not pour out any feelings, and basically do what she did to me, shut those feelings down and maintain some peace to extinguish the harsh anxiousness that I've been feeling.
Don’t bother. My DA wife is on her way out and hellbent on pulling the ejection lever. I made it clear that once this door closes there will be no coming back. Have respect for yourself!
Yep, I agree, I got rid of my latest one the first time she shut down emotionally. I have zero tolerance these days having been married to one many years ago. She got the fright of her life, never been dumped before. I’ve developed strong boundaries and I simply won’t back down. My life is too damned good to have one of these people come in and stuff that up. Avoid the avoidant at all costs !
@@cspace1234nz When they shut down emotionally it usually happens in reaction to some trigger, perhaps something that hurt the person's feelings, or continues to bother them. They're shutting down because they need space, or they don't believe that the situation is fixable. If you let them be, they can sort it out in their heads and may come back. Overreacting and browbeating them is not helping.
@@evawebster1518 ...who cares why they shut down, I'm quite simply not having anyone in my life who is unavailable emotionally, especially in a relationship. They never face up to themselves, never take responsibility and never 'do the work'. I admit I'm generalising a bit here, I'm sure there's 1 in 1000 who might be an exception to the rule
My ex monkey branched and cheated on me with a guy she has now been with for 8 months, since she dumped me. I’ve lost 60 pounds, got fit, bought my first home and getting a puppy but she looks happy; She is not coming back. I wish she did so I could tell her she’s dead to me and I’ve moved on.
She will repeat this pattern, or her partner will cheat on her. So it's a lose/lose situation. Isn't there a saying? 🤔 'How you get them is how you lose them?'
I’m sorry but this is supposed to be a flex but it’s pretty lame. If you lost 60, got fit, bought your first home, etc. while you were with her then maybe she’d still be around. I find it kind of pathetic that most of you guys need to get dumped and heartbroken to change yourself and improve.
@@standground7956 have you ever been heartbroken? Have you ever gone through any grief or loss? What have you done? You sound like a real f*cking wanker.
As someone who is SA with DA leaning traits, this is a dynamic I've never understood. Aside from one time in my life of which I was at fault, I've never wanted to come back to an ex after a breakup. I had friends who did this from all different attachment styles (although I was unfamiliar with them at the time) and always asked when I was getting back together with an ex after a breakup. I always asked them, "why would I get back with her? She's an ex for a reason!" Ironically, they were often shocked at my stance on this all the way up to my most recent ex. At MOST, I'd like to stay cordial with my exes (essentially being polite when I see them) if we share a similar social circle. That said, these are good guidelines to have if you're going to get back into a relationship with an ex. I've had a handful of exes want to get back together, but I always declined because I figured we'd end up in a circle back at square one. These guidelines would've helped vet those particular exes had I decided to go back to them. I'll have to keep them in mind, but at this point I don't think I'll ever have to use them.
@@ronmexico8383 you sound like the type that is only friends with people so long as you can use them. Hearing you say that is music to my ears because it's likely I'm repelling your type.
When my ex "avoidant" attempts to come back I avoid him. I am securely attached. I don't need that kind of "mind f--ckery " connection period. Life is way too short for unhealed people to sabotage my precious time. . ❤
Avoidant just ended things. Once before I let them go, and they came back. I just know they will return. Hence, this advice for me and what I need to do is priceless! PS - you’re just stunning, you have gorgeous eyes and other facial features - I’d go with a softer, slimmer brow and softer eye makeup.
If one starts to kind of set boundaries expressing a time line in which that avoidant has to fulfill the other's desire, they will flip at once, as it is not really taking consideration of who they are it has to be done in such a way so to avoid worst scenarios, if one going to loose patience it's better for all to consider or reconsider whether you can go along with it from the get go, if ine gets tired half way through loosing patience, etc.. that can happen of course, yet, one cannot really keep blaming the avoidant for not fulfilling the others desires.. If it is and actually feels rigid, disciplinary, excuse me but they have been fully served of that +++ of course, as we know, and why they the way they are.. an avoidant will flip knowing they are sets of rules putting them, and yes once more on the edge, as to make them jump of the cliff so to speak, the disciplinary and all that stuff by the community that have been rejecting abandoned them, while not even starting they will flip and that's it, so whoever is in for the long haul must also know to reconsider what is at stake, and in most of the time also look after themselves first of all on this long journey to recovery. 🌈 Contributed.
Did she cheat or something like that? Did she legit really do you wrong? If it was you who walked away for the wrong reason, then by all means reach out. If it was the right reason, or if she walked away from you, then STAY NO CONTACT. I know how you feel, but don’t. Concentrate on healing and bettering yourself, workout, exercise, eat healthy, meditate. Look into no fap/semen retention/sexual transmutation; it can change your life. If she was right for you then she will eventually come back, but if not, you have better things in store for you.
This is so helpful! I need to set an internal deadline as I’m dealing with a FA who is really trying to “come back” and I’m struggling with ending it as an AP because I feel like I’ve been clear but I haven’t fully committed to letting it go. 😔
You need to know that if he Comes back it’s to do repeat the same cycle! Mine came back after 1 year and played me again ! 😂 just move on or you Will regret !
in no contact with my FA ex for a little over 2 months now.. the friend thing didn't work...the only reaction I've seen was around day 45 when I posted a selfie on snapchat on a friday night and they unfriended me...still watches my other social media stories now tho..no contact really gives you another view and clarity while working on yourself..while I want them to reach out to see where their heads at I know it's important to work on ourselves..so well see.
Can a avoident person be fixed, this is the first time I hear about this attachment and I think I am one. How do I fix myself after 46 years being like this?
She just texted me as soon as she found out my stepdad died. It was before I even posted anything, but then when I texted her back, I got zero engagement. I really don’t understand her at all. It’s like she’s a complete different person from the woman I fell in love with.
Just get away. It’s like dealing with an entitled child. The second you expect any form of engagement they’ll run. Don’t be one of the lives they ruin.
She was just being polite. You once had a connection so she was just expressing her condolences, not wanting to reconnect. I reach out to exes if I see someone dies too. Just being supportive, nothing else.
@@MikeS-r2p I’ll give my condolences if I accidentally bump into them in person. There is never a reason to contact an ex in any capacity after the relationship ends.
@@standground7956 most of my exes and I don't have any animosity so I disagree. Some reach out to me to say Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas and I think nothing of it. We cool. If someone passes, reaching out is the decent thing to do. If your relationship ended in a f'd up way that's another story. The whole point was to see she prob didn't mean anything by reaching out. She was being human.
Got rejected. She blocked me after I told her, I valued her as a friend when she went cold days after. She blocked me on one platform, but she still talked to me in person. She occasionally talks to me for over 3 weeks. I could tell she became very distant. Some conversations we had were neutral or had a laugh. I tried to be away from her, and I got the idea she wanted me away since she blocked me. Eventually, I confronted her about it about blocking , and she said the reason was I needed space. I can tell she didn't want to be confronted about it. I have been in no contact over a month. Should I be one to reach out?
No. Stay in no contact and try to get help. Remember the signs you saw in her and run if you see a person demonstrating these signs going forward before you fall too hard for them.
Do not contact her , don’t play games with her… needing space means dating…now or later…she texts you ,to keep you on the line and hook … and so you don’t start seeing other people…it’s actually a very cruel and selfish act she is doing… you deserve better
How do you hold a DA accountable for not keeping his word ? I had communicated to him why I needed something especially, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and explained a trigger in hope for understanding. He didn't keep his word and idk how to make him understand that not keeping his promises is a breach of trust.
@@LeeChrissy It's not even something emotional, it's just basic communication. He's away abroad on a trip (he has connection and data access) since 2 weeks. My trigger is about his past behaviours, the last years when he went on vacation it meant no contact, but I wasn't warned. And when he came back from his trips, he either gave me the silent treatment or ghosted me. Before he left this time I explained him this, and asked if we could communicate during his holidays this time around. He promised that he would and it's been 10 days of no news from him.... I don't want to chase him, and I'm also tired of the fact that he doesn't see what's wrong with not keeping his word or ignoring messages(it's the way we keep in touch the most). If I share how it impacts me, he's either full of excuses or dismiss my feelings and thoughts. Idk what to do at this point.
@@RubyLine gotcha. I wouldn't tolerate this. I also wouldn't have another discussion about it. You've already told him how you feel and he is choosing to continue to keep on living how he wants to live which is fine, but it crosses your boundaries so it doesn't work for you. I'd cut off all communication with him personally. If you stay, you will be allowing him to disrespect you.
@@LeeChrissy Thanks for your opinion ❤ I'm glad to notice that for once I had the fitting reaction 😅 Guess I did improve a bit at least 😂 I've decided to not communicate with him and am trying to detach from this connection. Thanks again ❤
That internal timeline of 2 weeks to 45 days. Is that secret timeline? Seems dishonest to me. If one wanted the needle to move why play games. Communicate off the start and give they 2 week to 45 day to see if actions start matching words. As well if they are only seeking comfort they will walk away knowing that's not what you want.
My DA ex came back to me yesterday, pretending nothing happened. Here's my reply: --- In truth, you never really cared that much about me anyway (as you know). But I DID love you. And I really loved loving you. And maybe even more importantly, I loved myself loving you. So at least you can hold that in your heart. -- Guess what he did?
You are entitled to your thoughts, but why blurt them out to Thais and the world? Would you walk up to Thais in person and ask that same question? If you don't have the balls to do this then you have no business messing around here in the comment section. Are you a mature adult, or are you a child? Cheers.
Guys stop playing these games. Stop trying to fit into these narratives about attachment and avoidant. Stop all these mind games. Go work on yourself focus on yourself and leave all these people selling and playing these games alone. Stop listening to these people and do find peace in God. Free your mind from all these bs games.
So anyone have an idea what this means…. Got broken up with my 8 year on and off again severely FA ex after asking for space in his closet to hang up a blouse or two. Triggered him I guess and he broke up with me with a short text. It’s been a month 1/2 and he hasn’t dropped off my things or my 2nd home condo key, even though my condo is on the same city block as his office. He still has multiple cozy couple photos of us on his public Facebook account and I can’t find him on any dating apps. What gives? Any opinions anyone?
A month and a half isn't that long at all of a break for a fearful avoidant to feel safe again so give him a little more time and maybe he will return to feeling safe.
Yeah, avoid the avoidant at all costs, work hard to move on and get him out of your mind or it’ll only get worse for you. It’s very simple. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you, that’s what healthy people do. If you’re unable then you’re addicted to struggle and suffering. Almost the more reason to ‘do the work’.
As a healing FA, I'd say 8 years is FAR too long to still have confusion in your relationship. You've already spent almost a decade with someone only for it to be on and off. How much longer are you willing to suffer waiting for someone who doesn't seem to be progressing or healing? What if you do this indefinitely and never get the commitment and love that you need?
For your own sake, please move on. Have some self respect and self love. This dynamic has become too comfortable for him. So either you deal with or leave. He obviously don't want to get help either
The question is after 8 years you're okay with asking for space to hang clothes? After 8 years of " on off" with an avoidant??Girl pick your self value and self esteem off the damn floor, reading comments like yours is so sad, people really value the behaviour of avoidants and them too much take him off the pedal stool this man can never be meeting your needs as a partner if this is what you are doing in a 8 year connection. These avoidants are not who you stick with for 8 years 😮, especially the worst attachment style of all the FA type. This man clearly can't be working on himself as you can't even hang a blouse up. If you want space to " hang a few blouses" find you a secure attachment man you're compatible with to date and devote yourself to for 8 years, truth is the avoidants and they behaviour are for the 🗑️.
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Actually it’s best to be silent, save your energy and let the avoidant realize what they want in life. You don’t have to say anything unless you want to feel you need to. Everything meant for you will never pass you by.
Everything meant for you sure can pass you by. Many people are frozen in time and let all that is meant for them pass them by. As the saying goes you can lead horse to water but you can't make it drink. That's these people where what is meant for them shows up repeatedly and they turn a blind out being comfortable in their own personal hell.
If you want a reciprocating relationship avoid the DA totally
Soooo true!!!
My avoidant came back after about a month, after I had given her an ultimatum, which triggered her to a month of silence. She fulfilled about half of my conditions to get back together. I have just reminded her of the ultimatum conditions, which will probably trigger her again to no contact. Which is ok because I am reaching the end of my patience with her and her behaviour is eroding the quite strong feelings that I had for her.
Damn I am three weeks in no contact with mine, she reached out twice over trivial stuff.. I miss her so much…
@@abcdaamazoniaa Yes, I missed mine too, but her emotional unavailability causes mayhem.
@@britishpatriot812 Yeah I recoginized my patterns that made her go away, sometimes I were too clingy and anxious.. hopefully she comes back and we can try to set some boundaries and give it another shot
I have zero tolerance and zero patience, I nipped mine in the bud abd abruptly ended tge relationship the first time she took me for granted and shut down emotionally, I hurt first and hurt hardest in order that she fully face the consequences of her bad behaviour. I’ve been down this track before so I know how it works. These people really don’t face up to themselves and they don’t ’do the work’ unfortunately. Avoid the avoidant at all costs ! I’m here trying to figure out how the hell I’ve attracted another one of these things into my life after many years in a normal loving relationship. They’re not easy to spot till many amazing months have gone by
Why are they all the same? My avoidant long term girlfriend stopped visiting me or caring, declining physical intimacy. I communicated effectively several times and was patient with her. I eventually told her I was channeling my time and effort away from the relationship when things became worst. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to communicate what’s wrong and why she’s emotionally unavailable in the relationship, flaking on date nights and quality time at mine. She never responded to that breakup message but views my stories. It’s been a month now. I don’t expect her to come back but I know she will try to come back indirectly. She’s an avoidant! She once dm me out of the blue a wedding video of some couple in my dream destination during our last major breakup.
To the fellow anxious.. im 8months in feeling a bit better. No contact is working to build you up to distract you from making the bond worse with your DA. Instead use the time to work on things in you and be your best self put the DA on the back burner and make yourself the priority, use the anxiety your feeling to poor love out into yourself! Its hard but keep telling yourself "if they wont love me thats okay because i'll Love me."
this is so hard man, it is my 3rd month of no contact. i was abruptly cut out after suggesting what we can do to improve the connection and heal ourselves, thou i admit i did offer friendship. she lashed out and called me names became very toxic and was unreasonable. she even gave me this threat, msg me and ill block you. but after reading that threat instead of being scared and begging and chasing, i was turned off and just seen her msg. she waited for a week, block unblock me on fb before blocking me completely on fb and whatsapp. btw no accountability, while i was open enough to say sorry and all.
whats worst is that after a month she monkey branched to a new rel and now shes doing all her might to suppress her raw feelings for me and erasing my existence as she pursue this new person, giving all the love and attention. she even projects the opposite to people like shes happy and moved on(her friend said)
that f*****g stings to the core. ending? im now seeing a psychologist and therapy.
Good points! For the AP, avoidants are like kryptonite. Putting yourself first and creating distance can really help.
There were some avoidants that I loved, but sadly these people can't show up for me in a healthy way, and can't communicate properly during conflict. If a person won't show up for you properly, you have to let them go. It's a painful lesson, but at least I'm learning now.
Nope.
He's the one who wanted distance and independance, now he has it. l'm done with the anxiety induced by attempting to love him.
Maybe he shouldve loved me back.
It’s exhausting to walk on eggshells with DAs so we don’t trigger their stonewalling/silent treatment
What wasn't working in the relationship? I am gonna tell you what wasn't working. I was doing everything right. I gave her so much love, care, patience, time, I was helping her every time when she needed help, i never hurt her, I was not arguing about anything, I gave all myself to her and she fell in love with me. I was too good for her. And that's exactly why she discarded me like trash without any reason! They are extremely fucked up people. Stay away from them!
There's always two sides. If you gave that much love to her, she must be somewhat of a good person or else why would you bother?
@@MikeS-r2p deep inside i know she is a good person but she is completely damaged inside by her fearfull-avoidant attachment style. Doesn't matter if they are good or bad persons. Result is the same. They discarding and hurting people. I tried to help her but she didn't go to therapy and discarded me after a wonderful year without even one argument.
@@1224polo you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. They have to want it for themselves. As for a perfect year, maybe it wasn't perfect for her. She might not have addressed things that were going wrong. If we're that happy, we don't leave. Something happened.
@@MikeS-r2p no. You are so wrong. Nothing happened. The more good you are for them they are more likely to abandon you because they fear you will figure out that you are way better than they are and you will abandon them so they prefer do the abandonment themselves to not suffer
@@MikeS-r2pDude you're defending someone and have no idea what's going on with them. Have you not heard all the stories of avoidants discarding people because they feel they're "too good" for them? It happens all the time. So the only other "side" is that the avoidant needs serious help. Defending their behavior just creates more confusion in their mind. They need to get help, period.
It’s funny how we give an emotionally abusive immature person a name like “avoidant” to make them feel about them
Hadn't spoken to avoidant in close to 8 months after I found out about another woman he's dealing with..
I walked away quietly and went about my business.
Recently, He asked me to watch
his pets while he goes on a "group" trip. He tried reaching out on another occasion in the most awkward way; because he's trying feel me out.
He bought a boat and says, "You gotta come and hang out". Meanwhile, he has a picture of him and the new woman (she was never new) as his screen saver. My friend saw it while they were conversing.
I say "No thank you" to being used by someone who misses the emotional nourishment I provided, but wants to have fun and bliss with other women.
@@oliveyello Thank you for your kind response. It was wild the first time he reached out. I didn't answer/respond when he initially reached out after all those months; but to ask to watch his pets??? Still dealing with the other woman?
Attachment style or not, I don't understand ppl like him.
Talk about wanting his cake and eating it!
My DA ex alternates her time between here in Australia and Europe. Messaging me almost daily and wants to hang out with me for dinner, watching TV etc when shes here (we live in the same apartment block) as 'friends'. Then when we do hang out (as 'friends')... she often tells me all about how 'unsure' she is about the new rich boyfriend she picked up in Europe on her last trip. He's insecure, he's a narcissist, he body shames her...blah blah blah... only to then head back to Europe and conveniently live with this guy for several months at a time... while still messaging me empty "How are you?" emotionless messages.
The last time 4 months ago she did this she told me I'm 'the most amazing person she knows' and she 'absolutely loves spending time with me'... but 'I just love being in Europe'. My problem is I still have feelings for her.
Being the wonderful friend who 'did nothing wrong' and is 'the most beautiful perfect person she has ever met' (her exact words when she upped and left for Europe the first time) and who was good enough for over 12 months and then out of the blue al of a sudden wasn't good enough is an incredibly hard place to be.
@@DobermanDanK9 Yeah, it's sad.
Sounds like a narc, not an avoidant.
Conflict presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team.
The inability to work towards a mutual goal with another/me, is a threshold that arises with my X . Doesn’t play well with others.
Good analysis!
So true
I read all the comments about DAs and felt compelled to comment. I'm happily married to a DA. He is becoming more secure and so am I. Through good communication it's possible, and it doesn't feel like work. I actually find the DA appreciates difficult conversations as long as they're calm and non blaming. I'm not saying that people should be with a DA if it's not right for them, but I've found some of the DA traits have been brilliant and given me space and helped me be more analytical and communicate more effectively. I'm a better and happier person because of my relationship with my DA.
Thank you, as I DA myself that accident just ruined a relationship because of it, this gives me hope.
The internet is harsh on us
just don't date dismissive avoidants. problem solved.
No contact is hard, but I'm learning so much, and digging my feet in to not make contact, not pour out any feelings, and basically do what she did to me, shut those feelings down and maintain some peace to extinguish the harsh anxiousness that I've been feeling.
Don’t bother. My DA wife is on her way out and hellbent on pulling the ejection lever. I made it clear that once this door closes there will be no coming back. Have respect for yourself!
Yep, I agree, I got rid of my latest one the first time she shut down emotionally. I have zero tolerance these days having been married to one many years ago. She got the fright of her life, never been dumped before. I’ve developed strong boundaries and I simply won’t back down. My life is too damned good to have one of these people come in and stuff that up. Avoid the avoidant at all costs !
@@cspace1234nz When they shut down emotionally it usually happens in reaction to some trigger, perhaps something that hurt the person's feelings, or continues to bother them. They're shutting down because they need space, or they don't believe that the situation is fixable. If you let them be, they can sort it out in their heads and may come back. Overreacting and browbeating them is not helping.
@@evawebster1518 ...who cares why they shut down, I'm quite simply not having anyone in my life who is unavailable emotionally, especially in a relationship. They never face up to themselves, never take responsibility and never 'do the work'. I admit I'm generalising a bit here, I'm sure there's 1 in 1000 who might be an exception to the rule
My ex monkey branched and cheated on me with a guy she has now been with for 8 months, since she dumped me. I’ve lost 60 pounds, got fit, bought my first home and getting a puppy but she looks happy; She is not coming back. I wish she did so I could tell her she’s dead to me and I’ve moved on.
She will repeat this pattern, or her partner will cheat on her. So it's a lose/lose situation. Isn't there a saying? 🤔 'How you get them is how you lose them?'
You’ve already shown her mate. Good for you! Most people would crumble but you build yourself up to another level
I’m sorry but this is supposed to be a flex but it’s pretty lame. If you lost 60, got fit, bought your first home, etc. while you were with her then maybe she’d still be around.
I find it kind of pathetic that most of you guys need to get dumped and heartbroken to change yourself and improve.
@@standground7956 have you ever been heartbroken? Have you ever gone through any grief or loss? What have you done? You sound like a real f*cking wanker.
@@Champman543 I’ll never know. But I’ll be too busy to care.
I would love to see avoidants not avoid putting in the work
I swear. I've been in the cycle 3 times now. I am so exhausted.
Were they ever really "there" to begin with?
Another GREAT video!!! And if 2 people are willing to put in the work, ANYTHING can be possible!!!
6:32 that one sentence tells you all you need to know.
This was very valuable.
Thank you for giving the tools to say exactly the right things !
🙏🏼
Avoid the avoidants. Avoiding relationships is their core value.
He's willing but I'm scared I'll get caught in the cycle again and won't be able to get out.
Please don’t do it, going through a heart break is really painful. Unless they started going to therapy, nothing changes.
Hopeful and hopeless sums it up 😢
As someone who is SA with DA leaning traits, this is a dynamic I've never understood. Aside from one time in my life of which I was at fault, I've never wanted to come back to an ex after a breakup. I had friends who did this from all different attachment styles (although I was unfamiliar with them at the time) and always asked when I was getting back together with an ex after a breakup. I always asked them, "why would I get back with her? She's an ex for a reason!" Ironically, they were often shocked at my stance on this all the way up to my most recent ex. At MOST, I'd like to stay cordial with my exes (essentially being polite when I see them) if we share a similar social circle.
That said, these are good guidelines to have if you're going to get back into a relationship with an ex. I've had a handful of exes want to get back together, but I always declined because I figured we'd end up in a circle back at square one. These guidelines would've helped vet those particular exes had I decided to go back to them. I'll have to keep them in mind, but at this point I don't think I'll ever have to use them.
I hate to be your friend. You ditch people left and right.
@@ronmexico8383 you sound like the type that is only friends with people so long as you can use them. Hearing you say that is music to my ears because it's likely I'm repelling your type.
@@sifublack192 this dude commenting is toxic af. He just trolls saying rude shit. I see you caught on so I know I didn't need to tell you lol
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes well that explains it. I knew this guy was no good. 😂😂😂
@@sifublack192 this was actually one of the nicest things he's ever said. 😂🤣😂🤣
When my ex "avoidant" attempts to come back I avoid him. I am securely attached. I don't need that kind of "mind f--ckery " connection period. Life is way too short for unhealed people to sabotage my precious time. . ❤
Avoidant just ended things. Once before I let them go, and they came back. I just know they will return. Hence, this advice for me and what I need to do is priceless!
PS - you’re just stunning, you have gorgeous eyes and other facial features - I’d go with a softer, slimmer brow and softer eye makeup.
I asked what has changed? Alls she said was I miss you. I'm like nah. That ain't enough
If one starts to kind of set boundaries expressing a time line in which that avoidant has to fulfill the other's desire, they will flip at once, as it is not really taking consideration of who they are it has to be done in such a way so to avoid worst scenarios, if one going to loose patience it's better for all to consider or reconsider whether you can go along with it from the get go, if ine gets tired half way through loosing patience, etc.. that can happen of course, yet, one cannot really keep blaming the avoidant for not fulfilling the others desires.. If it is and actually feels rigid, disciplinary, excuse me but they have been fully served of that +++ of course, as we know, and why they the way they are.. an avoidant will flip knowing they are sets of rules putting them, and yes once more on the edge, as to make them jump of the cliff so to speak, the disciplinary and all that stuff by the community that have been rejecting abandoned them, while not even starting they will flip and that's it, so whoever is in for the long haul must also know to reconsider what is at stake, and in most of the time also look after themselves first of all on this long journey to recovery. 🌈
Contributed.
I am just dying to not break no contact with her.. I miss her so much
Do yourself a favour and find a way of moving on, she will rip your heart out and you will end up feeling way worse than you do now
@@cspace1234nz thanks for the answer, brother
I am 1 day in. I have him 3 chanses. No more. Stay strong brother.
Did she cheat or something like that? Did she legit really do you wrong? If it was you who walked away for the wrong reason, then by all means reach out. If it was the right reason, or if she walked away from you, then STAY NO CONTACT. I know how you feel, but don’t. Concentrate on healing and bettering yourself, workout, exercise, eat healthy, meditate. Look into no fap/semen retention/sexual transmutation; it can change your life.
If she was right for you then she will eventually come back, but if not, you have better things in store for you.
@@spiritspiral1111 she didn’t cheat, but she left..
This is so helpful!
I need to set an internal deadline as I’m dealing with a FA who is really trying to “come back” and I’m struggling with ending it as an AP because I feel like I’ve been clear but I haven’t fully committed to letting it go. 😔
Yes I am dealing with this now. I am at the end of my rope. The hot/cold I can’t deal with.
You need to know that if he Comes back it’s to do repeat the same cycle! Mine came back after 1 year and played me again ! 😂 just move on or you Will regret !
In my vetting era 😅
Its a good era to be in, go you
@@0Demiyah0 💗
Excellent
in no contact with my FA ex for a little over 2 months now.. the friend thing didn't work...the only reaction I've seen was around day 45 when I posted a selfie on snapchat on a friday night and they unfriended me...still watches my other social media stories now tho..no contact really gives you another view and clarity while working on yourself..while I want them to reach out to see where their heads at I know it's important to work on ourselves..so well see.
So good
Can a avoident person be fixed, this is the first time I hear about this attachment and I think I am one. How do I fix myself after 46 years being like this?
🔥🔥🔥
How likely is it that an avoidant ex returns if they were the person who was dumped?
She just texted me as soon as she found out my stepdad died. It was before I even posted anything, but then when I texted her back, I got zero engagement. I really don’t understand her at all. It’s like she’s a complete different person from the woman I fell in love with.
Just get away. It’s like dealing with an entitled child. The second you expect any form of engagement they’ll run. Don’t be one of the lives they ruin.
She’s an ex for a reason. You should not care in any capacity.
She was just being polite. You once had a connection so she was just expressing her condolences, not wanting to reconnect. I reach out to exes if I see someone dies too. Just being supportive, nothing else.
@@MikeS-r2p I’ll give my condolences if I accidentally bump into them in person. There is never a reason to contact an ex in any capacity after the relationship ends.
@@standground7956 most of my exes and I don't have any animosity so I disagree. Some reach out to me to say Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas and I think nothing of it. We cool. If someone passes, reaching out is the decent thing to do. If your relationship ended in a f'd up way that's another story. The whole point was to see she prob didn't mean anything by reaching out. She was being human.
Got rejected. She blocked me after I told her, I valued her as a friend when she went cold days after. She blocked me on one platform, but she still talked to me in person. She occasionally talks to me for over 3 weeks. I could tell she became very distant. Some conversations we had were neutral or had a laugh. I tried to be away from her, and I got the idea she wanted me away since she blocked me. Eventually, I confronted her about it about blocking , and she said the reason was I needed space. I can tell she didn't want to be confronted about it. I have been in no contact over a month. Should I be one to reach out?
She monkey branched to Chad
No. Stay in no contact and try to get help. Remember the signs you saw in her and run if you see a person demonstrating these signs going forward before you fall too hard for them.
is it me or is this advice only for a women dealing with a man who was the avoidant?
The love of my life is an avoidant. She told me she needed space but continues to text me. I’m so confused.
Ignore her text and dump her. She sounds like a headache with all that uncertainty.
@@standground7956 my avoidant partner keeps checking my status although we r in no contact .. should I approach first or let him do
Do not contact her , don’t play games with her… needing space means dating…now or later…she texts you ,to keep you on the line and hook … and so you don’t start seeing other people…it’s actually a very cruel and selfish act she is doing… you deserve better
How do you hold a DA accountable for not keeping his word ? I had communicated to him why I needed something especially, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and explained a trigger in hope for understanding. He didn't keep his word and idk how to make him understand that not keeping his promises is a breach of trust.
That's tough and I date DA's. What is it that you need? Is it something physical or that's emotionally missing?
@@LeeChrissy It's not even something emotional, it's just basic communication.
He's away abroad on a trip (he has connection and data access) since 2 weeks. My trigger is about his past behaviours, the last years when he went on vacation it meant no contact, but I wasn't warned. And when he came back from his trips, he either gave me the silent treatment or ghosted me.
Before he left this time I explained him this, and asked if we could communicate during his holidays this time around. He promised that he would and it's been 10 days of no news from him....
I don't want to chase him, and I'm also tired of the fact that he doesn't see what's wrong with not keeping his word or ignoring messages(it's the way we keep in touch the most). If I share how it impacts me, he's either full of excuses or dismiss my feelings and thoughts.
Idk what to do at this point.
@@RubyLine gotcha. I wouldn't tolerate this. I also wouldn't have another discussion about it. You've already told him how you feel and he is choosing to continue to keep on living how he wants to live which is fine, but it crosses your boundaries so it doesn't work for you. I'd cut off all communication with him personally. If you stay, you will be allowing him to disrespect you.
@@LeeChrissy Thanks for your opinion ❤ I'm glad to notice that for once I had the fitting reaction 😅 Guess I did improve a bit at least 😂
I've decided to not communicate with him and am trying to detach from this connection. Thanks again ❤
You go no contact… That’s how .
That internal timeline of 2 weeks to 45 days. Is that secret timeline? Seems dishonest to me. If one wanted the needle to move why play games. Communicate off the start and give they 2 week to 45 day to see if actions start matching words. As well if they are only seeking comfort they will walk away knowing that's not what you want.
My DA ex came back to me yesterday, pretending nothing happened.
Here's my reply:
---
In truth, you never really cared that much about me anyway (as you know).
But I DID love you. And I really loved loving you. And maybe even more importantly, I loved myself loving you. So at least you can hold that in your heart.
--
Guess what he did?
❤
What have you done to your eyebrows
Rude
You are entitled to your thoughts, but why blurt them out to Thais and the world? Would you walk up to Thais in person and ask that same question? If you don't have the balls to do this then you have no business messing around here in the comment section. Are you a mature adult, or are you a child? Cheers.
Natural eyebrows are the most attractive
Guys stop playing these games. Stop trying to fit into these narratives about attachment and avoidant. Stop all these mind games. Go work on yourself focus on yourself and leave all these people selling and playing these games alone. Stop listening to these people and do find peace in God. Free your mind from all these bs games.
So anyone have an idea what this means…. Got broken up with my 8 year on and off again severely FA ex after asking for space in his closet to hang up a blouse or two. Triggered him I guess and he broke up with me with a short text. It’s been a month 1/2 and he hasn’t dropped off my things or my 2nd home condo key, even though my condo is on the same city block as his office. He still has multiple cozy couple photos of us on his public Facebook account and I can’t find him on any dating apps. What gives? Any opinions anyone?
A month and a half isn't that long at all of a break for a fearful avoidant to feel safe again so give him a little more time and maybe he will return to feeling safe.
Yeah, avoid the avoidant at all costs, work hard to move on and get him out of your mind or it’ll only get worse for you. It’s very simple. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you, that’s what healthy people do. If you’re unable then you’re addicted to struggle and suffering. Almost the more reason to ‘do the work’.
As a healing FA, I'd say 8 years is FAR too long to still have confusion in your relationship. You've already spent almost a decade with someone only for it to be on and off. How much longer are you willing to suffer waiting for someone who doesn't seem to be progressing or healing? What if you do this indefinitely and never get the commitment and love that you need?
For your own sake, please move on. Have some self respect and self love. This dynamic has become too comfortable for him. So either you deal with or leave. He obviously don't want to get help either
The question is after 8 years you're okay with asking for space to hang clothes? After 8 years of " on off" with an avoidant??Girl pick your self value and self esteem off the damn floor, reading comments like yours is so sad, people really value the behaviour of avoidants and them too much take him off the pedal stool this man can never be meeting your needs as a partner if this is what you are doing in a 8 year connection.
These avoidants are not who you stick with for 8 years 😮, especially the worst attachment style of all the FA type. This man clearly can't be working on himself as you can't even hang a blouse up.
If you want space to " hang a few blouses" find you a secure attachment man you're compatible with to date and devote yourself to for 8 years, truth is the avoidants and they behaviour are for the 🗑️.