Great video. I’m avoidant and married an anxiously attached spouse. We have helped each other grow so much and are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Keep working on it with the ones you love folks!
how did u know u were improving. im considering ending my relo with my avoidant partner because hes showing to be a pathological liar and i just dont know how to trust him. we've tried everything and im noticing still he gives lipservice. he got suddenly intense tonight and switched on me trying to gaslight me about something that happened and then later admitted to lying about something im not okay with that he had told me he also wasnt ok with but hes doing it because 'hes bored and its an outlet'. there many other thing ik that hes lying about too. idk where this could possibly work
I communicated my needs but there was always a wishywashy answer. Avoidant partners make the other person insecure. That’s it. I was confident, and secure, he loved bombed me and when I was in love and showed my feelings he began to play hot and cold. And than he broke up because I told him what I needed. One argument and it’s over. Never again. So hurtful. This controlling and playing games.
I think deep down they assume everyone has an ulterior motive and plays games so they don’t want to let their guard down. If you are accommodating (as one might be in a relationship) they could see that as evidence that you are the manipulative one. It can be so exhausting!
@@el0blaino I was always honest and clear. I never said anything I didn’t mean. Now I think he said something he thought I would like to hear, but always just empty promises.
@@kingaberlakovich5585 In my case, I got a lot of "saying something she thought I would like to hear". On my side, I was honest and clear, but sometimes I honestly and clearly was being flexible - my partner said they had interest x, so I said, OK I can roll with that. I think that flexibility and accommodation could be misinterpreted by a suspicious partner as me "just changing myself to get something." When really I was thinking, I'm in a relationship, I'm going to change and grow, I am happy to try x or y.
THEY NEED TO HEAL. They need to want it for themselves and seek out healing. If you love someone who is avoidant that's great, they are not bad people at their core but they are not worth being with unless THEY want to do everything it takes to heal and change. It's not your job to help them, lead them, hear them, free therapist them, It's your job to help yourself! They dont want to change to save the relationship that they have with you, they dont even care about their disfunction they have with themselves. If they don't want to change, just say no to them. Dont get caught up in their "comfortable" game of cat and mouse. Also aim at being securely attached in yourself first.
Thank you! Thank you a million times for this comment. Spot on! I will never be with an avoidant again. It is a special place in hell and they are completely oblivious to their partners pain and worth.
This is a very beautiful comment, no bashing, but straight truth. They need to heal. It might take awhile, but if they really want it, they will do the work. Great comment:
@@theartofcute217 yes because they don’t yet realise how they are and what makes them this way. After some heartaches and failed relationships slowly they will start to become aware/conscious of things and perhaps this will trigger their desire to change and heal. The sad thing is knowing they might heal for someone else and just wasn’t ready with you. Wrong timings :( wrong timing is quite sad, knowing there were feelings but you were in different levels and stages in life.
@@trinityp8575 it's like building a house for someone else to live in after you did all the hard work. Better to save your time. Stop chasing people that don't want you.
both can be just as disruptive, and both need to be healed in therapy. but it’s true that with a secure partner, anxious attachment patterns heal easier in response to genuine love and affection, as opposed to the self-sufficient avoidant’s.
Are you sure? I tested secure and I think it is also a preference and lifestyle question. I play competition level sport (since I was 14). Any time I dated an axious, they went crazy. They took it personally if I had a match on a weekend and only spent 1 day with them instead of 2. (Not even every weekend, 1 day on every 3rd-4th weekend). I also dont train every day, I am always home before 7 and happy to spend the rest of the time cuddling or anything, but it is not enough. I had more successful relationships with avoidants, because they did not push me to give up something I love and they also got some time for themselves to recharge. I can easily give time if someone asks and just paint a bit or do something. I prefer spending time together, but I can understand someone's need for space. I got an avoidant secure before, but I never managed on an axious. I am not giving up my hobby and I cant stand the guilt trip about it. I say I have a match, I see on their face they are disappointed, so I offer we do something fun on the other day, but it is just not enough. I got accused of cheating (never did that), not giving them priority, not caring while I gave them every freetime and slept at their place together on 5-6 days every week.
Well crap im none of thise things now. Im a stay at home mum deoendant on him and my confidence was shattered by him and he encouraged me to lose my independance so he could control me. And i dont have emotional strength with all the crap he puts me through
yeahhhh its true especially when I was avoidant at the start of my previous relationship too^ after 5 years of my first relationship I started to be normal^ this guy is second one^ cause I was avoidant too I can understand him^ BUT this emotional press unbelievable for me
If you can’t be yourself in relationship and you feel unsafe or uneasy, leave that relationship. There’s someone else out there for you. It’s not even about your partner at this point in your relationship. It’s about you and why you don’t feel that there is a better person out there for you. Hope this helps. Love you.
@@jac1161 wife of 11 years refuses to talk to me about important issues because she thinks I get too emotional because when I address things she doesn't open up or push back. Every time I even attempt to calmly address an issue, she cries and makes me feel like the bad guy. Dude, no joke, RUN from avoidants. They are covert narcissists.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
I was married to an avoidant who left me after 8 years of marriage because I was being too dramatic for wanting his attention and love. He ended up having an affair with his father’s hospice care worker….talk about being dramatic! They deserve each other! I’ve now learned about my attachment style and on the road to being a healthier person.
Sounds like your too needy for a DA (even most securely attached can be too needy so pls don't take offence) Avoidants often have trouble with conflict so many will act out in order to force the other partner to end it or otherwise give excuse. In a messed up way it's to avoid hurting feelings. You can say he had an affair he's a -beep- now rather than second guessing yourself thinking I'm too needy or neurotic, he's already taken care of his own feelings so it's not about making himself feel good or narcissistic feedback or whatever other bs ppl like to put on Dismissive s. Talking general here take with pinch of salt
They can be wonderful, beautiful and downright great people. You can see the pain of their history, the effort they put in and admire their survival instinct. Remember to always meet them where they are at and not where you want them to be. Don't try to save, show you care and they are welcome and if they take off let it go.
They must also meet the other person where they are. Relationship is co-creation. There has to be a limit to understanding things -- this is how people start to accept horrible behavior in relationships. It's very easy to get into a codependent relationship with avoidants, especially DAs, because it's a struggle for them to get out of their fantasy and show up in real life. It usually ends up being a relationship of just one person doing everything (giver and taker) and walking on eggshells. This video is wonderful, because it invites you to be authentic and they need to deal with it. There is no healthy relationship without conflict -- no more silencing! I can't understand or accept someone doing s*it, not being able to apologize and still getting angry when you say the obvious about avoidant behavior: it hurts people. And they still go weeks without talking to you, because don't know how to make amends. Everyone is responsible for what they feel, but our behaviors in a relationship do affect people. And we need to be responsible on our part. And yes, APs create problems too. Big ones.
I appreciated this comment a lot. I quickly learned to not go to the comments as much on these types of videos bc they’re filled with vitriol. As a FA dominant slightly DA person dealing with solid DA the comments started to make me feel pessimistic 😢 If you come across a DA who is actually a good person but just struggling mentally, I think they are worth the effort; but I think a lot of ppl get so wrapped up in the idea of being in love and thus feeding their own ego by making someone change themselves solely to reciprocate their love that they can’t see that. “Show you care and if they take off let it go” my sentiments exactly. ❤❤❤
Marrying an avoidant...as an anxious attachment person myself....was the worst thing i could have ever done to myself.....i tried and tried and tried and i always felt like it was never enough. I lost myself completely trying to make things work. Im finally free from that traumatic experience and i feel so much more at peace now.
The most painful thing is loving a dismissive avoidant man. I adore him love him with heart mind & soul. But he gives no emotion & never express anything. I can’t even tell if he likes me. Very sad & confusing I have tried for a long time to let him know what he means to me & it doesn’t matter. He has my heart but it’s been abandoned so he wins I will let him to be by himself.
I once loved a dismissive avoidant girl in my class but because she act confusing, manilulative, so reserved, ghosting and lots of other stuff, I moved on and don't want to see her ever again. I am fine by myself now.
Run girl RUN!! If you want a reaction or to know if he cares about you. Disappear and don’t answer him. AT ALL. You will see what he thinks/feels. If he realizes that you are gone he will play and not react and go on with his life or he will try reaching you. BUT YOU DO NOT CARE… find someone better.. make it a mission. He is wasting your good years of life. It’s cruel.
Love this. ❤ As an FA, I attract DAs and never knew why. I always thought they didn’t like me. Then I found Attachment theory and realized my trauma and their trauma resulted in the lacking relationship. Communication is key. It’s really hard to learn to communicate when my life was filled with traumatic and toxic situations. Ugh but it is my responsibility to heal myself, first and foremost.
I completely relate to what you are saying. I'm in a relationship with a DA now, and what you say is true, communication is key. Best of luck to you on your healing journey, and may you become securely attached.
Yes communication is the key, however my person didn’t like open communication, at least on topics that he didn’t feel comfortable to be open about but are crucial for a healthy relationship.
I knew I was a gift to him, but had to do an honest assessment of what I was gifted with. There wasn't enough nourishment for me enough for me to stay. Was not reciprocal in value enough.
My experience is exactly the same; you have to give so much of yourself and your energy to these types of people. Even something like having to watch a video on yt to better understand why your partner keeps hurting you and putting themselves before you, says so much about these individuals. They would never do that, or really anything else, to change and stop hurting their relationship. There's 0% reciprocation and it's never worth it. Like an avoidant dismissive is more important to an anxious avoidant than they feel they are, a dismissive avoidant is more important to themselves than the anxious avoidant partner is. That's always going to ruin one person in that dynamic.
I made the mistake of falling for an avoidant man who was IMO leading me on. I gave too much, too soon, and he totally changed. It hurts a lot, but I’m teaching myself to walk away from situationships that hurt more than they help.
@@babys8640 yes they come on strong and then later show their true character and go into horrible hot and cold cycle which can be very destabilising and can create a lot of mental and emotional suffering for the healthier person. Confusion.
I've noticed something. Avoidants are like cats. Anxious are like dogs. Cats/Avoidants are independent. It might be more difficult to gain their trust. You have to let them come to you. They chose when they're ready for affection. Once they've had enough, they retreat or they'll be overstimulated. Dogs/Anxious require more attention. They follow you around everywhere you go. They have terrible separation anxiety. They think you're gone forever, but you have only left for a little while. Now, you wouldn't ask a cat to be a dog, would you? Of course, not all cats and dogs are the same, but I do notice some behavioral similarities with anxious/avoidants
Why would anyone want to be in an unrequited situation like this? I've tried dating an avoidant off and on for over 8 months and it was horrible (I was living in an emotional HELL). I believe that relationships should not be this complicated. I finally decided to move on/count my losses and I've recently found an amazing woman who has the capacity to openly show, give and receive love in a way that's more than acceptable for me.
This is my opinion- we are all seeking validation in our relationships. When our significant other does not respond to us in a way that we want it will cause a lot of conflict. I am feeling like the dismissive avoidant comes across as cold and stubborn. When in actuality it’s just a coping mechanism from childhood trauma. Of course everything is not going to be black and white and it is not fair to put the burden of our happiness upon our partners. If you are going to love someone just do that- love them and decide if that person is right for you. I think these types of challenges help us grow and help us do better in relationships especially when these things are not their fault.
@@KeiyaHoodthe coping mechanism IS the stubborn and cold dismissive behavior, and if they are unwilling to change what has been made conscious to them, then they are quite literally toxic to themselves and others.
I understand this feeling of this pain. I have been in a relationships with a narcissist person and avoidant person. It’s so confusing they have the capacity of showing love but it’s inconsistent or fake
Thank you for sharing your experience. I imagine it must be a difficult time. However, I would gently caution the impulse to "avoid all avoidants" I released a short on this topic this week. I would recommend reading the comment I posted underneath it. th-cam.com/users/shorts7UKeTbYLfYA?feature=share
I think everyone can experience all attachment styles. Different people and relationships bring out the various attachment styles. No one is locked into a certain style. The goal is do your work on yourself and to find someone who brings out secure attachment and not settle for anything less.
Avoidant people aren't realistic. People need people, period point blank. Can you imagine how difficult it is to navigate the world with chronic illness? You will need people. Being in a relationship with an avoidant is literally traumatising. We are all going to get old or at some point possibly be ill in some way. Avoidant people come across as severely selfish and narcissistic. In a partnership or relationship you have shared needs, there is no running away from that. If caring for someone bothers you, don't be in a relationship.
It’s unfortunate how much pressure they put on their partners for their insatiable desires. I don’t understand how they get that way. Unable to communicate their needs expecting their partner to read their mind. It’s exhausting and sad
@Karll541 It's because "the self" is not aware of it's self. It's the contempt in body language that tells you what they truly feel. The body never lies.
@@livclaireschmaltz5703 so how do they improve this awareness? Trying to talk to them or point it out just seems to trigger their defenses. I would hope that they want to put in the effort of changing. I’ve gotten better at reading between the lines but would prefer not to
Avoidants get a lot of criticism and I get that, but being on the other side with an anxious I have to say this is equally as toxic. Being expected to give 24/7 attention and it never being enough, being scrutinised if I’m having a bad day and being off, like everything revolves around them. The lack of empathy, the expectations to be made a priority and the threats, manipulation and abuse if you aren’t showering them with constant affection and putting their needs above your own is equally as toxic. It works both ways
Yes I had really bad health, was in hospital and needed time you understand? Was in surgery, needed genuine recovery time and I did voice this, I repeated it’s NOT personal, but they punished me and said I’m ghosting, I’m a narcissist, I’m selfish, I’m causing them to feel unwanted and don’t love them and it made more stress during my health problems and made me want to avoid even more especially when they showed no regard for my health and made it all about them, it made me think no I don’t want to talk to you when you’re threatening to ruin my life, get revenge on me and telling me I am selfish. It was projection at its finest. The suicide threats too. I felt like I was a bad person for being weak and having no energy during my illness and because I wasn’t texting 24/7 and giving them all my energy I was evil?
@@Nya9091 You weren’t being evil at all. You did what you needed to do to take care your health, since they showed no empathy or care for you. You did everything you could to reassure them WHILE in a health crisis… that speaks volume of your character! Screw them that’s their loss. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
i'm a fearful avoidant person and my anxious style comes out HEAVILY when i have avoidant partners. i behaved pretty much that way and i had no idea how sick it was keeping me and making the other person. i was so self righteous in my behavior because i knew i was hurting, and i genuinely had no idea how abnormal my obsessive behavior was.
I literally can only fall for or be attracted to anxious attachment style-being avoidant myself-its like a dying star trying to get away from a black hole.... without the push-pull... it's so apathetic.... I cannot get attached to anything else and it's so unhealthy... but something keeps me begging for more....
Just leave by the first red flag or weird gut feeling. Cant stop toxic people to be attracted to you, they love kind people. Just set the rules high so you leave at once. And dont tell or give your heart in the beginning.
@@BezzantSam Nah, that's not a good indicator. I know so many avoidants who are in a relationship or marriage because their partner does all the emotional work or carries the burden.
I definitely have this. Every relationship I've ever accidently fallen into... immediately becomes a mental game in my head called, "How the hell am I going to get myself out of this!?"
Always a silver lining. These type of people can end up making you stronger if you start focusing on yourself and instead of being bitter towards them just love from a distance and pray for them. Keep yo energy/vibrations intact.
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Don't confuse the intimacy of sex with a real bond. If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world and you have to make all the bids for genuine connection, you're probably dealing with an avoidant. Oh and they can't do conflict, but they will do punitive to maintain their hyperindependence. Don't do it to yourself. The stress will drain you.
If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world then it's not the time to analyze why, it's time to choose to leave. Seriously. Who cares if they're avoidant or whatever. If they're not interested in you but still hang around for some reason, you're signing up for pain by staying.
I’m sorry but the expressive emotions of an anxiously attached person will only repulse the avoidant. It’s not the greatest gift you can give an avoidant.
@@alexajackson8227but they are the ones being overly emotional, they just don't admit it or aren't self-aware enough to realize it. Avoidants have a short fuse and will make an infinite drama out of the smallest things. Granted, they rarely express their emotions the way an anxiously attached person would. They try hard to look level headed. However, one thing is certain, you will be hurt deeply.
@@alexajackson8227the difference with my ex anxious one is she failed to respect my boundaries and would threaten her life if I didn't listen to her all hours of the night when I would calmly communicate I needed sleep or to ready myself for work! Sigh Yes, as a FA, I have my own emerging struggles but I did try to do basic things. I have a list of qualities I want for my partner to have which I am working on to be, and it's not much Generosity, forgiveness, not vain. I even told her before I knew about all this hacks to help me feel calm. If she had handled it more tactfully and taken her time it may have helped me feel more at peace. Obviously, I would still need to work on being less.. fearful and doubtful. But with some compassion, I would imagine I could overlook minor faults and imperfections with time and grow.. but..
Been with a person with avoidant attachment style, but found it boring after a couple of months. No clarity in making plans, confused with their feelings.
haha love this one, i've found out i really am avoidant myself (recovering i would say), and also recently meeting a lot of other avoidants and this hit me :D @@linnie14
And that’s what we fear the most. We fear our partner will just get bored and leave, like we were never worth getting with to begin with. That if we don’t constantly come up with things to do, then it’s time to just leave us for someone more entertaining. And that perpetuates our behaviors and trauma even moreso.
@@SK-no2pp Yea. Lately I’ve gotten more comfortable with all this lately. I feel I’ve gotten abit better with this lately. I realize it just takes the right person.
Interesting video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I feel that I’m avoidant attachment and I’m gonna lay out my emotions raw right here. 1. Wow she’s lovely and amazing in every way. I will show her physically and emotionally the best things ever! -- Ok it’s been like three days of nonstop contact, time for her to leave now. I need my space. I’ll do other stuff and text her in two days time. I know she’s fine and she loves me so that’s enough for me. I’m secure. 2. Feeling energized again! Yo! Those plans we made, let’s finally do it. Yea right now! It’ll be great! ….yea that was a great time. ---ok I’m not sure how to really keep the ball rolling here and I’m a little nervous. Somehow I felt as if I came on too strong this time I’ll just go do my thing for awhile. Maybe a full day is enough alone time? I can easily go 3 days no contact though. I mean I showed her all this love and she knows I’ll come back again. I know she loves me so we’re good.. 3. She’s sick?!? I must do everything in power to make sure she gets better and identify what’s wrong with her. Come up with a solution to fix this. I’ll stay with her until she’s good. -- ok she’s good. I’m kinda exhausted I’ll just be doing my own thing for awhile. And that’s basically how I am in a nutshell. I want nothing more than to experience that human connection and intimacy, and I’m very good at flirting, but I’m scared of pursuing relationships because once I get in them, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care about her or just string her along. And that is NOT TRUE. It’s not!
This guy cut me off without saying one word, before he cut me off at the same day we even talked with each other three hours😅😅those three hours I was trying to find a way to explaining my behaviors, I don’t remember too much details now, I don’t know if he is avoidant one
@nedupratt7075 Oh yea? Go ahead and enlighten me. If you and i were together, how would you be? If I communicate to you "Hey I wanna just be alone tomorrow", how would you react? How much attention do you need?
@@AceKite00 I have a man whom I love .. we have talked about space. When we finally get together.. N he needs space.. it doesn’t bother ME.. I am not clingy.. If we are enjoying things together.. that’s different.. … We have talked about everything That we like to do.. As of late .. not really Much communication.. Why ?? Not sure.. I do not want to change him .. God changes people not Me.. But he has so much talent He loves goals n we plan on sitting down.. N planning our goals.. Anyway.. I am sure That there is a spark Between US n we Enjoy talking about it.. Sorry that I jumped right in here I guess I am trying to figure things out… ✌️☮️✨
You can be "independent," and STILL have an "anxious attachment style." I am very independent, but NO ONE WANTS TO EXPERIENCE LOSS. I think even a "healthy attachment person" who LOVES another person might be "triggered" by withdrawal from their partner or friend. That could mean you are just a "very sensitive individual" who is attune to "subtleties" in a relationship dynamic. I don't see this as "dysfunction."
How about gentleness and an extra dose of patience mixed with love next time you meet an avoidant. You met them cause you too have your limits. Avoidants are not scum to be considered hopeless and unworthy. They need your love expressed securely to help them get past the fear you'll leave them. If you are trustworthy and secure and serious, they will know ...they are hypervigilant. Be consistent; they will repay your love tenfold...if not hundredfold.
repaying the love hundredfold is a waste because once they do that and this creates emotional closeness they feel vulnerable and pull the rug from underneath you and create an excuse to stonewall you. This is crazy making for most people. Avoidants need to work on healing themselves before they start a relationship.
Um, since when is it our responsibility to heal an avoidant partner? Because you can't heal somebody who doesn't do the work to get better for themselves. I've been in that relationship, for 13yrs!!! Id constantly hear "You NEVER want to work with me or make me feel heard"!!! I changed the way i spoke, my approach, vocabulary, tone, behavior, in all kinds of ways, nothing. I was in therapy, he was too and we did couples counseling, no results, just demands! What happens is that the Avo partner continuously needs more and more "acceptance and accommodation" but then continuously reacts the same. They fail themselves and make it your fault for not doing enough to make them feel safe, but no mater what, no amount of twisting yourself into knots works! They ask and demand for more under the pretense that they will open up, but it happens so rarely. Only when it's absolutely necessary for them. That's because they are fundamentally not able to let go of the real issues, their real problem within themselves. Resentment. It's worse if they have a victim attitude. Only by consistently making the effort to try and overcome their avoidance can anything their partner does be effective.
Avoidants are the ones leaving. Attached people are willing to do ANYTHING to keep the relationship and that includes fixing themselves. Secure people are obviously secure and they're usually reliable. Avoidants, however, are sabotaging everything because they simply do not care. All they need to do is to just say a few honest words every now and then. That's literally enough to prevent imposing trauma onto others.
@maxsheerin8219usually men? I think that's an unfair assumption. Perhaps im just speaking from personal experience, but my last two relationships have been with avoidant women that also play the victim in order to reinforce their own predispositions. I'm was continuously caught in their cycle of adulation and absolute rejection, and I have to be the one that suffers the harshest abuse and rejection at the wrong end of the cycle. To be fair, people can change attachment styles from relationship to relationship depending on the context. I have been in secure relationships in the past, but my most recent experience has made me doubt if its ever possible again.
He kept saying he wants to be there for me and take care of me and then when I wanted to discuss next steps he pushed me away so fast and started to withdraw. He was spending a lot of time with me before.
It's interesting that it's usually the female who is anxious and the male is avoidant. I'm a female who is avoidant, and I've decided not to be in intimate relationships (in all their forms) anymore to avoid all the drama. I have the skills to deal with narcissist and anxious. I just don't want to anymore. It's not fulfilling in any sense and a real waste of time.
I was just thinking how basically all of the characteristics that avoidant find attractive, are things that us women have needed to learn in order to hold our own independently. Meanwhile we are tired, want to share the load, and are nearly desperate for it which causes anxiety. What a paradox.
same. I think I'm more avoidant. and I don't think I was built to be in a relationship. at least nothing close to what society calls a relationship. just seems like it's putting up with a lot of stress and unpleasantness without much reward. I have more peace on my own.
Avoidant female here as well(dismissive type), and I agree. Cost-benefit doesn't add up, we do better on our own and are happier with friends than all the drama and neediness of a partner. Her 'advice' of NOT giving space when we ask for it, yeah nah I'm outta there faster than a mouse in a cattery 💨
Usually they’re choosing you for sex, temporary companionship or they can see you have earning power or have a house or wealthy family. They’ll be loyal to you once you have that “dowry” for them.
When nearly everyone is emotionally fucked up in this world, it's just a matter of whom will hurt whom first and whom will decide to be forgiving and patient so it can work out. But when it gets to the point that forgiveness and patience it's not paying off, it turns out to be a matter of protecting yourself before you become just like them.
i told him that I am holding back a lot of my emotions because I’m afraid to overwhelm him and cause him to feel smothered. it’s interesting to know that I should let all those emotions flow.
I do and did let my emotions flow and he told me I was mentally unwell. I got angry because he was breaking up with me for the fourth time. I told him exactly how I felt and that was his was doing was cruel mind you I was in another country visiting him. This just happened last week. All he did was insult me. Be very careful. I will never let him back to into my life again. The only reason I did give it another try was because he had me convinced I was to blame for everything well I’ve seen who he is and I can’t unsee it nor do I want anything to do with him. You deserve better and so do I.
Ironic no that the confidence they see as so appealing in a partner, is very quickly destroyed by them due to their inconsistency, lack of transparency and lack of self awareness about their own disfunction. As soon as you're aware they're dismissive avoidant, give them what they want and leave them alone - the low key abuse will harm your brain, shatter your self esteem and make a mockery of the whole concept of a relationship 💀
Good point. The anxiously attached must learn very quickly how to self-sooth and to maintain that strength to keep the relationship going. In the end it becomes difficult. Eventually the anxiously attached (if they have self worth) realise they are not getting what they put in and seek affection elsewhere.
It's okay to not be perfect, and still be in a relationship. I think the key is willingness to work on your own issues, and hopefully your partner is doing the same. You are lovable, even with your flaws!
@@bcrwarlock1974No, they were right. You owe it to your future partners to get your shit worked out first so you don’t screw them over with your baggage.
@@chelsey241 The answer is somewhere in between. People do need to sort their issues in between relationships, but if you find yourself in one, you do the best you can at the moment. You can’t always have the most ideal situation; if you want your current relationship to work out, you might have to build the boat as you sail it. Assuming it's not just, like, a terrible relationship, of course. In my case I feel like there’s stuff in my personal life I need personal space to work on at my own pace without a partner’s needs and expectations factoring in, so I’m relieved to be single at the moment.
avoidants are people too. both avoidant and anxious attachment styles have pros and cons. some of yall gotta stop acting like the other party is solely the problem.
@@israelmateaki9235 Then your point is ok, but the people who watch these have issues so it seems off the plot to play the pros and cons or responding to stupid judgmental shit. That's all, I'm comfortable with the nuance that you intended to clear the air on judgmental shit.
@@shoopaah i see what you’re saying. as someone who was avoidant and then anxious at different periods of my life, i just dislike to see people in need trashing on other people in need.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure I like this comment thread. As someone who's had CPTSD and has been working on my issues, all these comments saying that avoidant people don't deserve love are really terrifying to me. I think what the video creator is saying is that the behaviors an avoidant person has can sour and ruin a relationship if not accounted for. Yes, as avoidant people do need to heal for reasons including a good love life. However, to dismiss avoidant people for their situation to me is wrong. You're ironically doing to them what an avoidant does with their patterns. In a relationship - any relationship - we should actively work on being our best selves. That doesn't mean taking someone else's crap, but it also doesn't mean discarding someone because of their past. We all have pasts that influence how we act. We should tell people how we feel, keeping an eye to the emotional load that another person can handle, and we should negotiate ways to be with and around each other. Ultimately, this idea that one should never date an avoidant because they're avoidant is ableist in the extreme. Those saying that are people I'm quite happy to avoid in as many contexts as is reasonable. Avoidant folks aren't the only ones that need to do some introspection.
At the end of the day these are just labels for behaviour patterns. Each person's reasons are going to be unique, but at the end of the day we each just need to find someone we mesh with
I think many people are just venting frustrations because they have been hurt by people with similar patterns of behavior. I think what they mean is don't date partners with unhealthy behavior patterns. Even if someone wants to work on their behaviors, it will take a long time to truly fix/heal. It's not fair to ask the other person to wait or continue to be hurt. I'm my experience if I see unhealthy patterns of behavior early and I know it will take a long time to fix I leave. It's better to be with a partner who is at the same stage in life.
Same. 😢 social media has created this dichotomy where avoidants are always the villains and anxious attachment people are always the victims. We’re both messed up and need to work on ourselves 😅
I agree. Plus what some people in this comment section describe doesn't even sound like avoidant attachment, but like anxious preoccupied/ambivalent attachment. And some describe behaviour that sounds like the narcissistic abuse circle. And they just claim that's their experience with an avoidant partner, when that sounded like the experience you would expect from someone with a cluster b personality disorder. I think some of them are mixing things up and don't actually know what avoidant attachment is.
And here is the plot twist to this; these are the very same people who run behind you, say they are Real (that's the big one lol) and looking for that special friend. Meanwhile in the beginning you low key weren't trying to get involve with anyone at that moment. You were contended in your life if only for that time but eventually they awaken something inside of you (an intrigue) You eventually gave time to have a connection and then they sabotage all of it and ran away. Left you holding a bag of emotions, feelings and confusing which you don't know what to do with. Until you get rid of it all. The cycles continue IF you let it. Look for the signs, tap into your spiritual gift strongly and start discerning people and run as fast as you can.
Non consistent love made me obsessed and bring so much anxiety into my life. I became really emotionally volatile. She broke up with me 3 times during 2 years. I wanted to show her love and compassion but ultimately it wrecked me.
Please also reflect on your attachment style whether it is anxious or secure. Avoidant types be it male or female are repulsed by neediness, clinginess anything that appears could disrupt their own independence. ( I am speaking for my self). It will not matter how nice you are. The better question to ask is what do they find attractive and what are their life goals. Talk about their childhood and ask how it made them feel. Avoidants have a hard time with “feelings” and may only express them in moments of trauma like a birth or a death. Things literally life changing. Now there are some other videos on TH-cam that further breakdown the cycles avoidants go through do to no contact. It’s all so interesting. Good luck with your dating life. ❤
@@KeiyaHood oh believe me I reflect about my attachment so much, got much more insight and will to do the work. I feel like I have lean anxious in that dynamic, but feel like even being secure seems needy for a avoidant person, especially when they deactivate. On the long run I just feel disconnected and sad and that just make things worse. Expressing need to talk things and resolve stuff just repulse avoidant. Everything should be easy and smooth for them, otherwise they pull away
The last person i dated was definitely avoidant. We made it past conflict resolution so it ended upnwith both us resenting each other . He always dismissed my feelings about things that hurt me. It was just a no for me. I tend to go between anxious and secure attachment within myself. So im not attracted to him emotionally anymore bevause i want someone who is more open, emotionally safe and intelligent, and validating
I fear closeness. If you want to drive me away, start putting demands on me. Not requests; demands. Also, start lying to me. It would help if you got suspicious and critical towards me. Try to micromanage my behavior: how I look, dress, run my life. Be convinced your ideas are far better than mine. Treat me as if I'm dumb. Don't be interested in my emotions, dismiss them, minimize them, or even better, take my feelings as a personal insult of some sort towards yourself. Tell me you're going to help me with something I'm desperate enough to actually ask for help for (very rare), and then flake on the offered support. Be sure to guilt trip and gaslight me while you're at it. ...I will dash like my butt is on fire..
@@grmpEqweer Please dash to a therapist's office and work on healing your avoidant attachment issues and traumas. If what you describe is true, then you are a mess and need help.
Oh my goodness, I am emotionally intense. He is so hot and cold, on and off. There is never time to progress this relationship because after we connect, he ghosts me.
In my opinion and personal experience Avoidant attachment style should be classified in personality disorders. And I mean in addition to avoidant personality disorder (cluster c), avoidant attachment style should be added. And I recommend you if dating an avoidant, consider them as having a mental disease. Do not take this problem lightly. You will be in pain. Best advice is to avoid avoidants.
Yes. The problem with therapy is that it neglects morality. It's justified to feel angry when someone doesn't listen to you or disrespects you. (And the takeaway from that is also that YOU should think about the ways you could have been hurtful to someone to, given some objective standard of morality)
It is already. It's avoidant personality disorder, it's in cluster A. Btw there is a difference between having an avoidant attachment style or full blown avoidant personality disorder. A lot of people talk about the personality disorder, but say attachment style. It's like talking about anxious attachment as if it is fullblown borderline personality disorder. Not everyone who has anxious attachment will have BPD or behave like someone with BPD. I think because people don't know the Cluster A personality disorders well, they mix things up. Some people who are avoidant just have a tendency to self isolate and need longer to trust and that's it. It's a spectrum. I hope this helps a bit.
As a fearful avoidant, I unfortunately find myself attracted to dismissive avoidant partners. With anxious partners, I'll take them for granted at best or, more likely, find them annoying and suffocating.
That's because "anxious partners" can often appear "clingy and needy." The DA grew up with at least one "DEMANDING PARENT." So, any neediness or clinginess "FEELS DEMANDING" to them; reminds them of childhood. It takes a real "intuitiveness and BALANCE ACT" on the partner of a DA to be able to "mirror them" a bit UNTIL they get healed more. In other words....let them "come close" at their own speed.
PS Most people in the world don't "self help" or try and heal, so essentially unless you are dealing with someone else who is ALSO doing their own "shadow work," you are essentially trying to have relationships with people who are still VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL. It can almost be an IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION unless BOTH PARTIES are willing to "work through their issues" TOGETHER. This was true in my marriage; we divorced after 32 years. Couldn't make it work cuz he didn't want to "work with me" on overcoming toxic behavior, and I got TIRED of "carrying the burden."
36 years here ... I have changed so much - My happy go lucky spark has been replaced with depression, fear and negativity - The person I thought I would be with forever is now a person I don't know and I no longer have myself either
I love an avoidant but it is so painful. I'm never sure whether to give him space or initiate a conversation. My feelings are ignored. He avoids talking about deep stuff. I'm not even sure if I'm in a relationship. I know he has emotional wounds but it's so painful to love an avoidant.
I say this with the most heart.... If you want him to chase you, ghost him... I did this and my ex avoidant chases me till this day... But I'm in love with an anxious... And I'm an anxious and it's way better so I'm never going back to an avoidant person
And I ghosted because we got into an argument and he acted like he gave no shits and it was the last straw for me.... I was pretty surprised that he's been chasing this long but the guy I have now is way better yeah he still has issues bc of adhd but after Finally having someone who wants to do what I wanna do and does not ignore me on purpose shit is crazy bc all I've done is deal with avoidant I won't ever do it again, I'd rather date anxious or secure.... Anything with avoidant I'm just going to avoid they are secret narcs
In my humble experience of loving an avoidant, the best option was the first one. Give them space... forever. Your judgment will clear with time, but only if you are giving them space. Because when you give them space you are therefore also giving yourSELF space. When you do that everything gradually comes into focus and you can see the person for who they really are.
@@auralionasol2205 It sounds more as a fearful avoidant and they are chasing you because you are safer to love when you are gone than when you love them back. I do that too when I feel lonely and I know i would run away again if my "ex" actually came back. Good thing they are avoidant. I always find weird when anxious people say we are narc because I´m nor the one using people as supply to feel lovable? At worst what I want is just the pleasure of experiencing love for someone without the risk of them expecting me to love them "right" and punishing me when I don't (by like, calling me a narc and stuff). Sorry Mommy made it complicated for me :(
My psychologist friend said that the longer they are in avoidant behaviour the more likely it is that they won't change. It takes a lot of work to unpack the trauma and move on. I totally understand. Too much pain. Feel so sorry for them... 😢
We never knew differently. We may be on the outside looking in. We are 'freaks' sometimes even to ourselves. We may see it as healing and self-preservation. The way that we know how.
Gosh I’m currently going through the same. My partner was an anxious too, now is an avoidant. She’s thrown away a whole relationship because of miscommunication.
@@tamzsha4776 I’m sorry you are going through this. In my situation there were a series of issues between us that turned my partner into an avoidant. I tried to save the relationship but he had checked out. It was a roller coaster of emotions that I never want to experience again. I hope you are doing ok.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
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Yes unfortunately many people mis diagnose or over diagnose because of catchy label. Same goes with narcissism. Suddenly everyone is diagnosed as a narcissist.
@@Questioneverything72 it is overused, but very few narcissist get diagnosed because they do not seek out help. And very few avoidants change or get better.
Agree with this and it happens a lot with women getting used for something like sex or housing when the guy isn’t all that into her, or just holding her as a placeholder until he meets someone he actually cares a lot about.
I feel like there is no way... It doesn't matter If I am myself, expressing emotions or holding back, it always sucks with avoidants. They are sick and not self aware. Hurting others...
I am anxious and I was in 12 years relationship with an avoidant and he left me for someone else last summer....I even tried to become more secure but even this obviously doesnt work..
I was in a severely abusive narcissistic marriage. I found the courage to speak up. I left and went through 4 years of more hell trying to divorce him. I was broken. A shell of my former self. And the only thing I could think to do was pray. I got on my knees, bowed my head and just sobbed to Father in heaven. And when I got up… I did feel a little better, so I did it again the next night. And the next and so on. It wasn’t immediate, but it was consistent. Gradually I felt the weight of the grief, pain, betrayal, aching heart, and consuming thoughts lifting from my body. I felt a peace and comfort that I couldn’t explain. I swear on my children’s lives that prayer changed my life. If you believe in hell… because you have been in it… then there MUST be a heaven. God hears you. Sending light and love.
I believe that everyone deserves a chance at love, if you fall in love with an avoidant, and are not willing to learn, or be a better version of yourself, a more secure version to make that relationship better, you’re giving up on love… the same thing goes for them. Everyone has baggage, the right partner won’t let you carry it yourself, but you’ll be able to unpack both of yours together. If you’re in a relationship, you can learn how to be healthy together, to be happy and be in a relationship. Nobody can expect it to just work right off the back, love is an act, it takes practice and discipline, and after all that, you win in life, because you have built the best version of yourself and if your partner did too, then you are probably one of the most communicative and trusting couples by the end of it. Also! Love is meant to be resilient, it’s not meant to break at the sight of a challenge, if you truly love someone you’ll fight for each other.
The avoidance mitigates against that self improvement and working on the relationship, unfortunately. After reaching out several times a day to connect and address any issues and being rejected for years on end, requesting couples’ counseling and clergy which are refused, it’s either stay and be miserable or make a clean break.
My experience is that the traits that attract an avoidant tend to be the giving and selfless aspects of a person. The avoidant doesn't want to give, so they need someone who is giving, who gives more than they should. The avoidant is self-absorbed, so they need their partner to be selfless in order for the relationship to survive the lack of effort & affection. It is inherently imbalanced. One is witholding as a survival strategy, the other is giving as a survival strategy.
Thank you for watching and for offering your perspective and experience. It sounds like you have done a lot of exploration and achieved great insight! I might offer, in my perspective, this is more of a codependant dynamic layered on top of insecure attachment styles. You might appreciate this video: Anxious Attachment, Trauma Bonding, and Codependency in Relationships th-cam.com/video/K2EWwJPlowQ/w-d-xo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I agree, it is a codependent dynamic, layered on top of insecure attachment styles. But being in an insecure attachment style makes it more difficult to avoid these codependent dynamics ime. The examples you brought up in the video apply more to secure attachment styles imo, or secure with a bent to each side of the spectrum, i.e. secure (B) and secure-avoidant (B/C) vs secure-anxious (B/A). Either that, or the person is self-aware and has worked on their insecure avoidant attachment style.
@@anem6737 thank you for sharing your perspective. The examples I brought up in my video are the traits that avoidant partners consciously describe themselves being attracted to. It is the ideal that they would tell you they’re attracted to, and it is truly what they find admirable in others. That is why I talk about the shadow aspect of attraction in the second part of the video, which means that sometimes there’s a discrepancy between what we think we want, and what we actually find ourselves being attracted to and engaging with. additionally, this information was extracted from the survey I did of my email list, which is more than 50,000 people. We received more than 200 responses and the themes that emerged coincide with what I’ve offered here, Having worked for 15+ years with individuals on all sides of the fence.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Yes, it makes a lot of sense that avoidants describe themselves as being attracted to independent partners, as the main feeling they have in their relationships is being stuck and wanting more freedom. But in reality, on a subconscious level they seem to seek out anxious people, at least in my experience, probably what you call the "shadow" aspects of attraction, and one told me that being with another avoidant quickly falls apart because none of them is interested in giving the little extra. Which is anecdotal. But as I have seen a lot of this, including an avoidant who continues to seek out "clingy" partners while despairing over them and wanting advice on how to make them more "self-sufficient", it does guide my personal opinion. I appreciate your study though, which gives additional information about this phenomenon.
I'm secure attachment who got with an avoidant, he'd claim he had so much love for me but I never got to see it or feel it, he'd get busy with work or family for days, and all I'd ask was to let me know that he'd be busy just one text a day would have been appreciated, but apparently that was also too much to ask. I was open with my communication and clearly stated what I wanted or what actions of his had hurt me, but he'd refuse to have a conversation, we were just supposed yo shove our feelings under the carpet. i used to admire him so much for his intelligence and his😂 hard work but knowing him at a personal level made me realize he's just a stuck up child who thinks he knows the best. I hope he finds someone exactly like himself and spend his entire life wondering if he's even loved by his partner or not!
Why do you need a text every day? Just make your own plans, live your life, don't sit by the phone waiting if he'll be busy or not in order to choose what you'll do with your day. You call him a stuck child, to me this sounds childish and he probably was equally disappointed by getting together with a woman just to realize he's dating a little stuck girl who needs a constant reassurance that her emotions are valid and she's loved. But that's your job.
@@SirinBayazit I did all of that, had my own life but it's not normal to stop acknowledging the existence of someone you love, dropping a text saying that you'll be busy is barest minimum. As for me being childish, unlucky for you, you know neither me nor my ex partner so your judgement on me is irrelevant. I seem to have touched a nerve there, I assume you are an avoidant yourself, would love to get your perspective on what goes through your mind when you claim to love someone but do nothing to bring them ease.
Why would someone who can't even drop a text a day be in a relationship and drain the other person emotionally? There would be bare minimum expectations in relationship obviously. @@SirinBayazit
So "be eternally patient with an avoidant, always give them space, and accept they might not be able to show you affection (physical or emotional) back." Hell no. I'd rather pursue a relationship with a secure person who can love and support me back like I love and support them. Everyone deserves a two way street, you should be PEERS. If they're incapable of being a peer then leave (as hard as it may be).
There is a difference between an avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder. What you describe is avoidant personality disorder. People with an avoidant attachment style ( who don't have a personality disorder ) tend to self isolate under stress and need a long time to trust, but once they do they are very loyal and they can show emotions very well once they trust someone. These are 2 different things.
That's totally within your freedom. The amount of work you want to put into a relationship is totally up to you. If someone meets someone else and it requires more work, but their heart feels that it could be worth it in the long run, then that's their freedom too. Someone may want to buy a house that's already built and only focus on saving enough money for it, someone else may want to build a house and focus on finding the right materials to build it with and learning the skills they need to build it. No person is wrong.
We only have a very small time in this world, time is the most valuable currency. There is no reason to waste your limited life on someone who you have to dedicate energy that will more likely shorten your life span to accommodate. Let them figure themselves out and take back your own life.
So dismissive avoidants appreciate someone that does all the work… Check. That’s my life…doing everything for somebody else while they’re completely checked out.
I just discovered this channel a few days ago - this was the first video, and then binged a truckload of them. I am genuinely heartened by the way she consistently talks about every flavor of personality in a way that respects their dignity. EVERYONE is talked about objectively and without a value judgment. Nobody is victimized nor villainized. It's all about how we got here and how we grow forwards. For that, I'm grateful. I skew to the avoidant side of things, and I feel understood here. I also have a much better understanding of everyone else too. I wonder how much the other commenters are actually listening to the video. Seems like half the people here are just looking for a punching bag. They don't WANT avoidant people to heal, because then they lose their scapegoat. That makes me sad. Don't make me sad please. :(
I agree with you. I often wonder if they receiving what she said in the video which is excellent. I am disorganized attachment according to this video. I have exhibited anxious, avoidant and still work to be secure although I can be triggered and revert to insecure. It’s fascinating to learn this stuff because it makes me hopeful that I will finally have a successful relationship in the near future and take the approach more wholeheartedly that it is me and not you. That maybe my attachment style makes you crazy or vice versus. I was running through two scenarios while she was talking which help me understand who I was avoidant with one partner and anxious with another. My anxious partner I was avoidant and my avoidant partner I was anxious. This self discovery is wild and the woman is incredible. ❤
@@KeiyaHood For whatever it's worth from some rando dude on the internet - I'm optimistic for you too :) just being able to talk about this stuff clearly and openly means so much. The framework is already there for us to listen and learn from. For me, I really find that I have the tools to communicate with anybody at this point, regardless of their attachment style. My personal struggle, as someone who's still a mile deep in the avoidant style, is that I just do it veeerrrry slowly. That rubs some (most) people the wrong way, and that's okay. (as I spend 30 minutes proofreading this comment lol) Would you be willing to talk more about what it's like to have a shift in style based on who you're relating to? I'd be curious to hear more about this from a personal perspective, if you're game to talk about it more :)
I don't know how people I see in the comments can go onto a video about avoidants, know that we didn't choose to be how we are, that it's a trauma response, and just shit all over us. You come to the exact place where we are trying to heal and shit on us. That's pretty low.
Yeah these comments are talking like being avoidant makes people straight up narcissists. Why when someone's needy it's fine but someone's avoidant it's demonized when both are trauma responses.
@maxsheerin8219 Ok most avoidants don't traumatize others. Where do you get that from? We're not ambivalent or have black and white thinking which leads to idealisation and devaluation. That's something else. We tend to self isolate and need a long time to trust. That's how it is for most avoidant people. Idk what you are talking about.
10:56 As someone who leans towards avoidant, I think this advice lack tact. It's like throwing a toy spider at someone who are afraid of spiders and go "See? It's just a toy spider. You got scared of a toy spider, but it's not scary. It's just a toy, why do you act scared?" Meanwhile the other person is shaking and traumatized by this prank. Someone else said it much better. The best people are the ones who are patient and understanding. The person, without ego. The person who patiently ask and listen as if the other person know something that could be of value. That opens the heart up like a lotus flower, however. The moment you introduce your own emotional ego, and make that the center of attention, is the moment the person with avoidant: A.) Doesn't have to approach or engage with the heart of their issue. B.) They're now threatened by your toy-spider. To do so gives you a short-term feeling of doing good, but with the cost of the medium-long term because you'll always be associated with a scary spider, no matter what you do. If you can't be patient and understanding, then walk away. It's much better to rip the band-aid off.
Avoidants are full of contradictions and again just all humans are. So avoidants want and need lots of time to develop a safe connection with that new person but what’s contradicting is that avoidants are non-committal, 😂‼️
@@GabrielleP310 In a way, yes. As they say, a burnt child is shy of fire. Or in this case, a person who is avoidant is avoidant of commitment because they've been hurt in the past. This is a way to heal that wound.
Thank you. I am learning as to her and her avoidant. It requires me to put my ego aside to be focused on her emotional needs not mine. As I have already read that she is a good hearted woman not an entitled taker I can do this putting her needs first second not about what I think I need I am helping her grow . The better I am as to safe trustworthy and not about me allows her to grow the best at bet speed for her to heal😊
I dated an abusive narcissist once, and I dated an avoidant recently. The amount of damage done was the same, except the avoidant did it faster. Please don't ever waste your time on an avoidant!!!
Well after having spent years with an avoidant i know that any expression of any kind of sensation is immediately followed by: If you say that again i will leave you. Why bother to make excuses for and walk on eggshells for the avoidant instead of just leaving. Aviodants will not work on it and would rather be alone. So why not just leave them alone? They will not change since they prefer solitude but with an available person on the side. But not inside their life.
@@Vicky-lg7oy I have done this on more than one occasion. Back then my fear of never finding.love again, of never be worthy of love so much stronger than my ability to see what I should do. Today i am in a much better place. Yet still I am going too far to fix it before I am ending it. So on my way but.not there yet..I wish I was there.
For the record, my avoidant GF never left me no matter what happened- I was the one to leave her, and she always wanted me back. I left 3 times in 5.5 years and I can say on good authority that my attachment style was secure, but deteriorating to somewhat anxious in the last year of our relationship. Our couples' therapist was visibly stunned by the amount of patience, observance and care I took in trying to facilitate growth and effective communication over the years, with my ex actually nodding in agreement to my statements on that during our only session, after which I had seen my final red flag by the expression on the therapist's face and I turned a corner. It's been 6 months and I am still somewhat in recovery mode, but steadily moving on. I agree, though, they won't let you inside. It's like dating a cactus...........
I am thankful to be divorced and not experience this anymore. I got married in 2008 when no one was really speaking about this… but I appreciate how your work may bless others in their life goals to feel loved, safe and secure. #modernfairytale for so many of us.
1. Independence 2. confidence 3. Self sufficiency 4. Directness 5. Emotional strength Funny they are attracted to the very things that they themselves are poor at exerting. They’re always on defense, highly sensitive to conversations that requires emotional intelligence and maturity. These relationship dynamics are destructive and tiresome. So much manipulation, neglect, and tomfoolery. No thankyou
Not quite avoidants are extremely independent and self sufficient by necessity. Due to upbringing no one was bringing the life saving vest for them so they spent years developing ways to self soothe and “handle” their own emotional woes. They seek partners who do the same, because they see this as only respectful to not burden others with the heaviness of your emotions.
Most people that have insecure attachment tend to seek out partners that have the qualities they lack as a form of compensation. In a way having those qualities through their partner. Which yes, is usually an unhealthy relationship.
@xanders.7603 that's fine...if they're trying to emulate and adopt the characteristics....apply them to themselves. Treat their partner with consideration and respect...but no! They make break their partner down by chipping at their self esteem and making them feel like theyre the problem. They use us as emotional punching bags instead of admitting they're the ones that have the problem
@@iamsoohappy i noticed you avoided the first comment in favor of one supporting your feelings! I am a FA, and I broke up with an anxious and extremely codependent INFJ. I cared for her but she expected me to carry her emotions which is not possible. And she had no respect for my time. She would threaten her life if I wouldn't stay up all night listening to her. Was I incorrect to tell her truthfully we both need therapy and to ask her to heal before we try again? I doubt it. I see a lot of malicious hurt feelings in these comments. I am aware of my patterns and am actively working on changing them so as not to bring more hurt into the world.
@jaredpatterson1701 you are mistaken. I didn't avoid anything. So please stop projecting. I loved what the first commenter had to say and didn't feel the need to respond to it. In any case...if a healthy relationship were to exist, balance is needed from both partners. Maybe the anxious is teaching fearful/dismissive to be more vulnerable and to let down their walls while the other teaches anxious to be more independent. All I see are alot of unhealed people who want relationships but don't really know how to show up for one...simply because they cannot face the parts of themselves that need to be addressed and balanced. Instead they use each other as a crutch, blame, gaslight, project, or try to make the other submit to their constitution.
As a classic DA man with a 17 year marriage experience to an AA woman, her emotional intensity was certainly the gift attracting me to her, but then it would swell into emotional insobriety (see Heidi Preibe YT) and trigger my memories of parental emotional abuse and withdrawal. AAs would do well to accept that there is a limit her DA can tolerate and that it may even be an appropriate boundary being exercised.
By far, the best anxious avoidant video I've seen. My partner (avoidant) and I (anxious) have been dealing with this. I met her in October best thing that ever happened to me. We both instantly were so into each other. In love talking about marriage first date. Then 4 months in I experienced her avoidant side. Every went crazy. We were both so lost. Learned so much about this. And this video is exactly us in every way! The way she puts this is so beautiful!! Understanding and working together on this is very hard but so rewarding. Thanks for the amazing video. I subscribed and will be watching learning and making our way through this new life challenge.
I fell in love with a woman that suffers from cptsd. We were at the same school and I would say that we liked each other. I invited her to some coffee, we shared some things about each other and so on. One day she said to me that she wants to become a lawyer so I bought her a book about the criminal code, so that she could study a bit and do something that she enjoys. A class mate of ours later on that day said that she was happy about the present. One time she invited me to a walk and she said that she has some sympathy for me. I invited her to a coffee and cake on the same day. It was a nice day. I enjoyed every second of it! On the 19th of December I invited her to my apartment because we made some christmas presents for our teachers. She kept me waiting 3-4 hours tho, because one of her closest friends was not doing well according to her. I believed her. We kept things distant and respect each others space so nothing sexual happened but we enjoyed the time together nontheless. She stayed just one hour. At the end of the day I gave her a hug and said goodbye to each other. She said that she wanted to meet me again but since then we did not have any contact. Its been two months since then. She keeps watching my whatsapp status at times but no contact at all. I like her so much and I noticed that I want to become a better version of myself as soon as I spent time with her. I adore her intelligence, her kindness, her laughter, her way of talking, her voice... I miss her so badly... I am very sad about the fact that we do not have any contact anymore and do not know what to do... Any advice?
@@EminDemiri-le6gq Wow, reading this reminded me a little of my own story. You know, nothing solves problems like talking. So approaching would probably be the best idea. Not dm's, direct approaching. If I'm right and this girl is similar to one I've been dealing with, she is very scared, and that fear may make her do something stupid, but if you are serious about her, you should talk, make the first move. You are likely someone that needs a lot of care, as you are attracted to her sensitivity, but she needs to feel safe with you, that she can rely on you, and even then she could be scared. It might be a long process and requires her to open up, but if you're serious about her I'll tell you that showing that you want to continue this relationship will help her in the long run, even if you two fail. If you won't speak to each other, all that will be left is regret, on both sides.
@@EminDemiri-le6gqshe probably thought you wanted a hook up and so wasn't sure to go over to your place and is trying to keep it kosher. Also, what are you studying? Hopefully you both are equally ambitious, bc usually women don't like to be the main provider 😅 don't like that masculine feeling it could give.. or maybe she changed her mind about Law and feels embarassed? Just ask. It's already a no. What could hurt if you ask?
No, avoidants usually have high self esteem, and a belief that others are lesser than them to some degree. They may not be able to sustain a serious loving relationship, but they have a strong core and generally have happy lives. The folks who don’t run from relationships with avoidants might be able to fully love someone else, unlike avoidants, but often have issues with feelings of low self worth and shaky self esteem which is made worse by the avoidant’s jarring behavior.
I realized I'm extremely avoidant and idk what to do. People here are describing us as monsters but not all of us are. It's probably true that we should stay away from relationships, reason why yesterday I decided to brwak up with my boyfriend to give him the possibility to find a partner who meets his needs better than me, that wants to plan the future, unlike me. I've been devastated so I guess i will start going to a psychologist and hope it will help, because I'm aware it's a problem
Therapy is a good start. But why did you break up? It's not your responsibility to decide what's best for other adults and make decisions for others. If someone doesn't want to be with you they can tell you themselves. Are your sure you're not using it as an excuse? Good luck with therapy.
@@0114855 I think for most people it would feel terrible to know you aren't good enough. That no matter what you do, you can't fulfill your partners needs and live up to their expectations. That is actually very bad for someones self-esteem and self image. Avoidants learned that they are safest alone. So when they are hurting and self-preservation kicks in, they might break up. I have never done this myself ( breaking up, because of this ) But I still know and understand the feeling from growing up in an environment where a was ok and b could have been an a. And nothing was ever good enough. It hurts. What made you think that op wasn't suffering in the relationship? That it is just an excuse? Inferiority complex can be quiet harsh on the person.
I have broken up with plenty of girlfriends in the past for the same reason and because they were in love and I just felt bad about myself because of that. It's been difficult to receive gifts in the past as well. I done a lot of therapy both personal and with a psychologist and what helped me the most was learning to understand myself. What I do know is that 99% of people wont understand and will make up their own mind and stick to that even though they're wrong. I spent a LOT of time trying to understand people, why they do things and this helped me understand myself too.
@@0114855 Because of the guilt. If you were to find yourself in a relationship with someone who wants a marriage, and maybe kids, and you don't want that? When it's obvious I'm not what they really want, I'm not capable of fulfilling their dreams? Then they start trying to _make me into a person I can't be,_ because I'm not really what they want, but maybe they can _fix_ me... I should go at that point. I can't be cut to fit into someone's desired shape without despising myself. And I'm hurting them by being a cheap substitute for what they actually want.
Wow! It's one of the first time I watch a video that explains the emotional process of a avoidant people. I have mostly seen people being vilified. Thanks for bringing another perspective.
Excellent assessment. I’m the “anxious” female and my EX-boyfriend was the avoidant personality in the relationship, I was promised so many things, even the littlest things, there was NO ACTION. I FEEL like deep down he’s soft marshmallow filled Easter egg, but he sports a very Cool, “No worries”attitude. He CANNOT handle my overthinking, asking too many questions, & I know he’s been alone for so long, he forgot how to be in a relationship…I also have been single 18 years and am ready to find someone..but I don’t think it ls him. Even though I am feeling lonely without him, incomplete & just plain sad.
I've discovered in the past year that I am avoidant and have recently begun to suspect that the woman that I am strongly attracted to is also an avoidant. This video gives me hope, as I was thinking I was dealing with a double whammy where both of us are interested in each other but exhibit behaviors where we alternately run away from each other. If I know what the problem is, I have a chance to work to improve the situation.
Great video. I’m avoidant and married an anxiously attached spouse. We have helped each other grow so much and are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Keep working on it with the ones you love folks!
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring.
this comment gives me hope for my relationship.
Same😢 same
You are amazing!
how did u know u were improving. im considering ending my relo with my avoidant partner because hes showing to be a pathological liar and i just dont know how to trust him. we've tried everything and im noticing still he gives lipservice. he got suddenly intense tonight and switched on me trying to gaslight me about something that happened and then later admitted to lying about something im not okay with that he had told me he also wasnt ok with but hes doing it because 'hes bored and its an outlet'. there many other thing ik that hes lying about too. idk where this could possibly work
I communicated my needs but there was always a wishywashy answer. Avoidant partners make the other person insecure. That’s it. I was confident, and secure, he loved bombed me and when I was in love and showed my feelings he began to play hot and cold. And than he broke up because I told him what I needed. One argument and it’s over. Never again. So hurtful. This controlling and playing games.
Sums it up exactly!
I think deep down they assume everyone has an ulterior motive and plays games so they don’t want to let their guard down. If you are accommodating (as one might be in a relationship) they could see that as evidence that you are the manipulative one. It can be so exhausting!
Because if u dont give in to the woman in N argument u lose and if u gives in u lose so its best to give up from the go.
@@el0blaino I was always honest and clear. I never said anything I didn’t mean. Now I think he said something he thought I would like to hear, but always just empty promises.
@@kingaberlakovich5585 In my case, I got a lot of "saying something she thought I would like to hear". On my side, I was honest and clear, but sometimes I honestly and clearly was being flexible - my partner said they had interest x, so I said, OK I can roll with that. I think that flexibility and accommodation could be misinterpreted by a suspicious partner as me "just changing myself to get something." When really I was thinking, I'm in a relationship, I'm going to change and grow, I am happy to try x or y.
THEY NEED TO HEAL. They need to want it for themselves and seek out healing. If you love someone who is avoidant that's great, they are not bad people at their core but they are not worth being with unless THEY want to do everything it takes to heal and change. It's not your job to help them, lead them, hear them, free therapist them, It's your job to help yourself! They dont want to change to save the relationship that they have with you, they dont even care about their disfunction they have with themselves. If they don't want to change, just say no to them. Dont get caught up in their "comfortable" game of cat and mouse. Also aim at being securely attached in yourself first.
Amen to this comment! ❤
Thank you! Thank you a million times for this comment. Spot on! I will never be with an avoidant again. It is a special place in hell and they are completely oblivious to their partners pain and worth.
This is a very beautiful comment, no bashing, but straight truth. They need to heal. It might take awhile, but if they really want it, they will do the work. Great comment:
@@theartofcute217 yes because they don’t yet realise how they are and what makes them this way. After some heartaches and failed relationships slowly they will start to become aware/conscious of things and perhaps this will trigger their desire to change and heal. The sad thing is knowing they might heal for someone else and just wasn’t ready with you. Wrong timings :( wrong timing is quite sad, knowing there were feelings but you were in different levels and stages in life.
@@trinityp8575 it's like building a house for someone else to live in after you did all the hard work. Better to save your time. Stop chasing people that don't want you.
I'd much rather deal with an anxious partner. With avoidant partners even bringing up how you feel makes them run away
Exactly. 💯
both can be just as disruptive, and both need to be healed in therapy. but it’s true that with a secure partner, anxious attachment patterns heal easier in response to genuine love and affection, as opposed to the self-sufficient avoidant’s.
Nah, anxious partners might stalk you
Are you sure? I tested secure and I think it is also a preference and lifestyle question.
I play competition level sport (since I was 14). Any time I dated an axious, they went crazy. They took it personally if I had a match on a weekend and only spent 1 day with them instead of 2. (Not even every weekend, 1 day on every 3rd-4th weekend). I also dont train every day, I am always home before 7 and happy to spend the rest of the time cuddling or anything, but it is not enough.
I had more successful relationships with avoidants, because they did not push me to give up something I love and they also got some time for themselves to recharge. I can easily give time if someone asks and just paint a bit or do something. I prefer spending time together, but I can understand someone's need for space.
I got an avoidant secure before, but I never managed on an axious. I am not giving up my hobby and I cant stand the guilt trip about it. I say I have a match, I see on their face they are disappointed, so I offer we do something fun on the other day, but it is just not enough. I got accused of cheating (never did that), not giving them priority, not caring while I gave them every freetime and slept at their place together on 5-6 days every week.
Both are an extreme and a nightmare for a more balanced individual
1. Independence
2. Confidence
3. Self-sufficiency
4. Directness (direct communication of needs)
5. Emotional strength
Well crap im none of thise things now. Im a stay at home mum deoendant on him and my confidence was shattered by him and he encouraged me to lose my independance so he could control me. And i dont have emotional strength with all the crap he puts me through
Gone need that emotional strength cause they’re not gone support you 😂
Funny, I came here to find traits to downplay with avoidants but these are the traits I feel I need to survive.
@@justinj.6323omg😮😅😂😂😂
@@treetreetreetreetreetree I think this presenter is not 100% up to speed on this
1. Independence,
2. Confidence,
3. Self-sufficiency,
4. Directness,
5. Emotional strengh.
Thankyou for doing the Lord's work.
I thought I was emotionally strong . . . until I fell in love with an avoidant!
Yep 🎉
Same😢. It’s so exhausting.
Yes they are emotionally cold and do t know how to reciprocate.
That’s why I’m here 🙄🙄
yeahhhh its true especially when I was avoidant at the start of my previous relationship too^ after 5 years of my first relationship I started to be normal^ this guy is second one^ cause I was avoidant too I can understand him^ BUT this emotional press unbelievable for me
The best advice is to "let them be " and "let them go"
If you can’t be yourself in relationship and you feel unsafe or uneasy, leave that relationship. There’s someone else out there for you. It’s not even about your partner at this point in your relationship. It’s about you and why you don’t feel that there is a better person out there for you. Hope this helps. Love you.
🎯Love it🎯
@@2minutecarnivore how about if you have been alone for a long time and know that it’s hard to find “someone else”.
I feel like falling in love with an avoidant will make you an anxious no matter what...
It does
Oh yes. I was secure. Met my ex, an avoidant. Now I am anxious galore. Yey.
trauma bond 101 - been there ..my whole life, including friends. Roots are childhood.
@@jac1161 wife of 11 years refuses to talk to me about important issues because she thinks I get too emotional because when I address things she doesn't open up or push back. Every time I even attempt to calmly address an issue, she cries and makes me feel like the bad guy.
Dude, no joke, RUN from avoidants. They are covert narcissists.
Not now that I have become aware of the dynamics plus introspection.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I was married to an avoidant who left me after 8 years of marriage because I was being too dramatic for wanting his attention and love. He ended up having an affair with his father’s hospice care worker….talk about being dramatic! They deserve each other! I’ve now learned about my attachment style and on the road to being a healthier person.
Sounds like your too needy for a DA (even most securely attached can be too needy so pls don't take offence) Avoidants often have trouble with conflict so many will act out in order to force the other partner to end it or otherwise give excuse. In a messed up way it's to avoid hurting feelings. You can say he had an affair he's a -beep- now rather than second guessing yourself thinking I'm too needy or neurotic, he's already taken care of his own feelings so it's not about making himself feel good or narcissistic feedback or whatever other bs ppl like to put on Dismissive s. Talking general here take with pinch of salt
They can be wonderful, beautiful and downright great people. You can see the pain of their history, the effort they put in and admire their survival instinct. Remember to always meet them where they are at and not where you want them to be. Don't try to save, show you care and they are welcome and if they take off let it go.
They must also meet the other person where they are. Relationship is co-creation. There has to be a limit to understanding things -- this is how people start to accept horrible behavior in relationships. It's very easy to get into a codependent relationship with avoidants, especially DAs, because it's a struggle for them to get out of their fantasy and show up in real life. It usually ends up being a relationship of just one person doing everything (giver and taker) and walking on eggshells.
This video is wonderful, because it invites you to be authentic and they need to deal with it. There is no healthy relationship without conflict -- no more silencing!
I can't understand or accept someone doing s*it, not being able to apologize and still getting angry when you say the obvious about avoidant behavior: it hurts people. And they still go weeks without talking to you, because don't know how to make amends. Everyone is responsible for what they feel, but our behaviors in a relationship do affect people. And we need to be responsible on our part.
And yes, APs create problems too. Big ones.
Mature AP's who have worked though their issues probably less so...
I appreciated this comment a lot. I quickly learned to not go to the comments as much on these types of videos bc they’re filled with vitriol. As a FA dominant slightly DA person dealing with solid DA the comments started to make me feel pessimistic 😢 If you come across a DA who is actually a good person but just struggling mentally, I think they are worth the effort; but I think a lot of ppl get so wrapped up in the idea of being in love and thus feeding their own ego by making someone change themselves solely to reciprocate their love that they can’t see that.
“Show you care and if they take off let it go” my sentiments exactly. ❤❤❤
Thank you so much!! These words are helpful
THIS! Some of them are worth it ❤
1. Independence
2. Confidence
3. Self-Sufficient
4. Directness
5. Emotional Strength
Add to those traits: RESPECTING OF BOUNDARIES. Boy, am I learning that one the "hard way." 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I was looking for this comment. Bless your soul ✨
@@anonymousnation5235 😘👍
Marrying an avoidant...as an anxious attachment person myself....was the worst thing i could have ever done to myself.....i tried and tried and tried and i always felt like it was never enough. I lost myself completely trying to make things work. Im finally free from that traumatic experience and i feel so much more at peace now.
I am currently in this kind of relationship. No matter how hard I try I think it's never enough.
The most painful thing is loving a dismissive avoidant man. I adore him love him with heart mind & soul. But he gives no emotion & never express anything. I can’t even tell if he likes me. Very sad & confusing I have tried for a long time to let him know what he means to me & it doesn’t matter. He has my heart but it’s been abandoned so he wins I will let him to be by himself.
I once loved a dismissive avoidant girl in my class but because she act confusing, manilulative, so reserved, ghosting and lots of other stuff, I moved on and don't want to see her ever again. I am fine by myself now.
Run girl RUN!!
If you want a reaction or to know if he cares about you. Disappear and don’t answer him. AT ALL. You will see what he thinks/feels. If he realizes that you are gone he will play and not react and go on with his life or he will try reaching you. BUT YOU DO NOT CARE… find someone better.. make it a mission. He is wasting your good years of life. It’s cruel.
Move on I am in the same situation. Much happier avoid the avoidants!❤️
Doesn't sound like he knows what love is nonetheless express it
Man who barely express himself os not bad. Imagine woman not being emotional. It's so confusing
Love this. ❤
As an FA, I attract DAs and never knew why. I always thought they didn’t like me. Then I found Attachment theory and realized my trauma and their trauma resulted in the lacking relationship. Communication is key. It’s really hard to learn to communicate when my life was filled with traumatic and toxic situations.
Ugh but it is my responsibility to heal myself, first and foremost.
I completely relate to what you are saying. I'm in a relationship with a DA now, and what you say is true, communication is key.
Best of luck to you on your healing journey, and may you become securely attached.
FA? DA?
@@Hesteforstanddk FA is fearful avoidant, DA is dismissive avoidant.
@@bcrwarlock1974 Thanks ☺️
Yes communication is the key, however my person didn’t like open communication, at least on topics that he didn’t feel comfortable to be open about but are crucial for a healthy relationship.
So accurate for the situation i was in. They tell me they like direct communication and as soon as i speak directly and confront them they 👻
Give me an example of your direct speak.
You will never be good enough for the wrong person
I knew I was a gift to him, but had to do an honest assessment of what I was gifted with. There wasn't enough nourishment for me enough for me to stay. Was not reciprocal in value enough.
Exact same situation Carolyn. I had to not wait for him. Zero effort on his part.
Oh my gosh, took the words right out of my mouth. Constantly feeling emotionally starved after putting in so much effort and tiptoeing.
My experience is exactly the same; you have to give so much of yourself and your energy to these types of people.
Even something like having to watch a video on yt to better understand why your partner keeps hurting you and putting themselves before you, says so much about these individuals. They would never do that, or really anything else, to change and stop hurting their relationship.
There's 0% reciprocation and it's never worth it.
Like an avoidant dismissive is more important to an anxious avoidant than they feel they are, a dismissive avoidant is more important to themselves than the anxious avoidant partner is. That's always going to ruin one person in that dynamic.
I made the mistake of falling for an avoidant man who was IMO leading me on. I gave too much, too soon, and he totally changed. It hurts a lot, but I’m teaching myself to walk away from situationships that hurt more than they help.
modern dating effing sucks.
You are a beautiful person. Hopefully you find someone secure.
I ended up dating an avoidant and it was the worst thing I ever could have done to myself.
same especially bc he was love bombing in the beginning
@@babys8640 yes they come on strong and then later show their true character and go into horrible hot and cold cycle which can be very destabilising and can create a lot of mental and emotional suffering for the healthier person. Confusion.
I've noticed something.
Avoidants are like cats.
Anxious are like dogs.
Cats/Avoidants are independent. It might be more difficult to gain their trust. You have to let them come to you. They chose when they're ready for affection. Once they've had enough, they retreat or they'll be overstimulated.
Dogs/Anxious require more attention. They follow you around everywhere you go. They have terrible separation anxiety.
They think you're gone forever, but you have only left for a little while.
Now, you wouldn't ask a cat to be a dog, would you?
Of course, not all cats and dogs are the same, but I do notice some behavioral similarities with anxious/avoidants
Damn this describes my current gf 😮 im trying not to take it personally but damn it’s annoying
@@stevetroxel7195 I wish you good luck in your relationship! 💖
Lmao 😄 they are
I get along with cats just fine. What about those that have a blend of avoidant and anxious. that's the ones I struggle with.
Why would anyone want to be in an unrequited situation like this? I've tried dating an avoidant off and on for over 8 months and it was horrible (I was living in an emotional HELL). I believe that relationships should not be this complicated. I finally decided to move on/count my losses and I've recently found an amazing woman who has the capacity to openly show, give and receive love in a way that's more than acceptable for me.
You did the best thing.
The dream ...
This is my opinion- we are all seeking validation in our relationships. When our significant other does not respond to us in a way that we want it will cause a lot of conflict.
I am feeling like the dismissive avoidant comes across as cold and stubborn. When in actuality it’s just a coping mechanism from childhood trauma.
Of course everything is not going to be black and white and it is not fair to put the burden of our happiness upon our partners.
If you are going to love someone just do that- love them and decide if that person is right for you.
I think these types of challenges help us grow and help us do better in relationships especially when these things are not their fault.
@@KeiyaHoodthe coping mechanism IS the stubborn and cold dismissive behavior, and if they are unwilling to change what has been made conscious to them, then they are quite literally toxic to themselves and others.
I understand this feeling of this pain. I have been in a relationships with a narcissist person and avoidant person.
It’s so confusing they have the capacity of showing love but it’s inconsistent or
fake
FINALLY!!!
Someone that doesn't act like anxious or avoidant is a disease but a coping style that reacts to specific coping skills. Love this.
Yep, it's called survival, evolutionarily speaking!
Is this ever a real relationship? It shouldn't be this hard!
Furiously scribbling down everything so I never attract an avoidant man ever again. Shit is straight up traumatizing.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I imagine it must be a difficult time. However, I would gently caution the impulse to "avoid all avoidants" I released a short on this topic this week. I would recommend reading the comment I posted underneath it. th-cam.com/users/shorts7UKeTbYLfYA?feature=share
I think everyone can experience all attachment styles. Different people and relationships bring out the various attachment styles. No one is locked into a certain style. The goal is do your work on yourself and to find someone who brings out secure attachment and not settle for anything less.
this !
THIS.
Show this to anyone who feel they met their “twin flame” 😂
They’re not your twin flame, babe! You’re just attracted to each other’s attachment styles.
People be pursuing 4 people in 4 years but will describe all 4 as twin flames 😂 most people in your life are karmic
Avoidant people aren't realistic. People need people, period point blank. Can you imagine how difficult it is to navigate the world with chronic illness? You will need people. Being in a relationship with an avoidant is literally traumatising. We are all going to get old or at some point possibly be ill in some way. Avoidant people come across as severely selfish and narcissistic. In a partnership or relationship you have shared needs, there is no running away from that. If caring for someone bothers you, don't be in a relationship.
It’s unfortunate how much pressure they put on their partners for their insatiable desires. I don’t understand how they get that way. Unable to communicate their needs expecting their partner to read their mind. It’s exhausting and sad
@@Karll541Both of you clearly have disconnect to reality.
@@DwightLivesMatter please explain
@Karll541 It's because "the self" is not aware of it's self. It's the contempt in body language that tells you what they truly feel. The body never lies.
@@livclaireschmaltz5703 so how do they improve this awareness? Trying to talk to them or point it out just seems to trigger their defenses. I would hope that they want to put in the effort of changing. I’ve gotten better at reading between the lines but would prefer not to
Avoidants get a lot of criticism and I get that, but being on the other side with an anxious I have to say this is equally as toxic. Being expected to give 24/7 attention and it never being enough, being scrutinised if I’m having a bad day and being off, like everything revolves around them. The lack of empathy, the expectations to be made a priority and the threats, manipulation and abuse if you aren’t showering them with constant affection and putting their needs above your own is equally as toxic. It works both ways
Holy shit this is exactly what went through with an anxious! They literally expect you to suck yourself dry! Hell no I’m out ✌️
Yes I had really bad health, was in hospital and needed time you understand? Was in surgery, needed genuine recovery time and I did voice this, I repeated it’s NOT personal, but they punished me and said I’m ghosting, I’m a narcissist, I’m selfish, I’m causing them to feel unwanted and don’t love them and it made more stress during my health problems and made me want to avoid even more especially when they showed no regard for my health and made it all about them, it made me think no I don’t want to talk to you when you’re threatening to ruin my life, get revenge on me and telling me I am selfish. It was projection at its finest. The suicide threats too. I felt like I was a bad person for being weak and having no energy during my illness and because I wasn’t texting 24/7 and giving them all my energy I was evil?
@@Nya9091 You weren’t being evil at all. You did what you needed to do to take care your health, since they showed no empathy or care for you. You did everything you could to reassure them WHILE in a health crisis… that speaks volume of your character! Screw them that’s their loss. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
i'm a fearful avoidant person and my anxious style comes out HEAVILY when i have avoidant partners. i behaved pretty much that way and i had no idea how sick it was keeping me and making the other person. i was so self righteous in my behavior because i knew i was hurting, and i genuinely had no idea how abnormal my obsessive behavior was.
I literally can only fall for or be attracted to anxious attachment style-being avoidant myself-its like a dying star trying to get away from a black hole.... without the push-pull... it's so apathetic.... I cannot get attached to anything else and it's so unhealthy... but something keeps me begging for more....
I want to know what attracts them so I can MAKE IT STOP!
ETA: More like I should find out how to identify them to avoid them.
😂😂😂
Just leave by the first red flag or weird gut feeling.
Cant stop toxic people to be attracted to you, they love kind people. Just set the rules high so you leave at once.
And dont tell or give your heart in the beginning.
They are perpetually single. If someone is older and seems like a great catch and you can’t understand why they are single they may be avoidant.
@@BezzantSam Nah, that's not a good indicator. I know so many avoidants who are in a relationship or marriage because their partner does all the emotional work or carries the burden.
I definitely have this. Every relationship I've ever accidently fallen into... immediately becomes a mental game in my head called, "How the hell am I going to get myself out of this!?"
Wow
If you give emotional intensity to an avoidance they call you needy and look for someone else.
yep!
Always a silver lining. These type of people can end up making you stronger if you start focusing on yourself and instead of being bitter towards them just love from a distance and pray for them. Keep yo energy/vibrations intact.
I did that for 7 years. And nothing changed. Even went worse.
Why be strong when you will miss out on love that actually meets you half way? Reciprocal love will make you even more powerful.
Relationships give us the biggest opportunity to grow and evolve.
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@bartholetbayana9198 Don't put your hopes and money into spell casters.This isn't a fantasy movie.
Don't confuse the intimacy of sex with a real bond. If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world and you have to make all the bids for genuine connection, you're probably dealing with an avoidant. Oh and they can't do conflict, but they will do punitive to maintain their hyperindependence. Don't do it to yourself. The stress will drain you.
If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world then it's not the time to analyze why, it's time to choose to leave. Seriously. Who cares if they're avoidant or whatever. If they're not interested in you but still hang around for some reason, you're signing up for pain by staying.
No matter what you do, no matter how good you are avoidant will always find a idiotic excuse to dump you. I went through this
You are 100% correct!!!
Cowards
I’m sorry but the expressive emotions of an anxiously attached person will only repulse the avoidant. It’s not the greatest gift you can give an avoidant.
@@alexajackson8227but they are the ones being overly emotional, they just don't admit it or aren't self-aware enough to realize it. Avoidants have a short fuse and will make an infinite drama out of the smallest things. Granted, they rarely express their emotions the way an anxiously attached person would. They try hard to look level headed. However, one thing is certain, you will be hurt deeply.
@@alexajackson8227the difference with my ex anxious one is she failed to respect my boundaries and would threaten her life if I didn't listen to her all hours of the night when I would calmly communicate I needed sleep or to ready myself for work! Sigh
Yes, as a FA, I have my own emerging struggles but I did try to do basic things. I have a list of qualities I want for my partner to have which I am working on to be, and it's not much
Generosity, forgiveness, not vain. I even told her before I knew about all this hacks to help me feel calm. If she had handled it more tactfully and taken her time it may have helped me feel more at peace. Obviously, I would still need to work on being less.. fearful and doubtful. But with some compassion, I would imagine I could overlook minor faults and imperfections with time and grow.. but..
Been with a person with avoidant attachment style, but found it boring after a couple of months. No clarity in making plans, confused with their feelings.
YES! I find them completely boring. Like talking to cardboard that thinks it wants a relationship.
haha love this one, i've found out i really am avoidant myself (recovering i would say), and also recently meeting a lot of other avoidants and this hit me :D @@linnie14
And that’s what we fear the most. We fear our partner will just get bored and leave, like we were never worth getting with to begin with. That if we don’t constantly come up with things to do, then it’s time to just leave us for someone more entertaining. And that perpetuates our behaviors and trauma even moreso.
@@AceKite00 lol so then plan some activities, and tell the other person how you feel.
@@SK-no2pp Yea. Lately I’ve gotten more comfortable with all this lately. I feel I’ve gotten abit better with this lately. I realize it just takes the right person.
Interesting video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I feel that I’m avoidant attachment and I’m gonna lay out my emotions raw right here.
1. Wow she’s lovely and amazing in every way. I will show her physically and emotionally the best things ever! -- Ok it’s been like three days of nonstop contact, time for her to leave now. I need my space. I’ll do other stuff and text her in two days time. I know she’s fine and she loves me so that’s enough for me. I’m secure.
2. Feeling energized again! Yo! Those plans we made, let’s finally do it. Yea right now! It’ll be great! ….yea that was a great time. ---ok I’m not sure how to really keep the ball rolling here and I’m a little nervous. Somehow I felt as if I came on too strong this time I’ll just go do my thing for awhile. Maybe a full day is enough alone time? I can easily go 3 days no contact though. I mean I showed her all this love and she knows I’ll come back again. I know she loves me so we’re good..
3. She’s sick?!? I must do everything in power to make sure she gets better and identify what’s wrong with her. Come up with a solution to fix this. I’ll stay with her until she’s good. -- ok she’s good. I’m kinda exhausted I’ll just be doing my own thing for awhile.
And that’s basically how I am in a nutshell. I want nothing more than to experience that human connection and intimacy, and I’m very good at flirting, but I’m scared of pursuing relationships because once I get in them, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care about her or just string her along. And that is NOT TRUE. It’s not!
This guy cut me off without saying one word, before he cut me off at the same day we even talked with each other three hours😅😅those three hours I was trying to find a way to explaining my behaviors, I don’t remember too much details now, I don’t know if he is avoidant one
I experienced all of the above with an avoidant friend but he jumped ship when I was in the hospital.
Fixe yourself. You need to.
@nedupratt7075 Oh yea? Go ahead and enlighten me. If you and i were together, how would you be? If I communicate to you "Hey I wanna just be alone tomorrow", how would you react? How much attention do you need?
@@AceKite00
I have a man whom I love .. we have talked about space.
When we finally get together.. N he needs space.. it doesn’t bother ME..
I am not clingy.. If we are enjoying things together.. that’s different.. …
We have talked about everything
That we like to do..
As of late .. not really
Much communication..
Why ?? Not sure..
I do not want to change him .. God changes people not
Me.. But he has so much talent
He loves goals n we plan on sitting down.. N planning our goals..
Anyway.. I am sure
That there is a spark
Between US n we
Enjoy talking about it..
Sorry that I jumped right in here
I guess I am trying to figure things out…
✌️☮️✨
Quite ironic how I'm an independent person until the avoidant triggers my need to cling to them by withdrawing
I felt the same 😞
Same
😢Same
You can be "independent," and STILL have an "anxious attachment style." I am very independent, but NO ONE WANTS TO EXPERIENCE LOSS. I think even a "healthy attachment person" who LOVES another person might be "triggered" by withdrawal from their partner or friend. That could mean you are just a "very sensitive individual" who is attune to "subtleties" in a relationship dynamic. I don't see this as "dysfunction."
As a fearful avoidant, I can completely confirm that I’ve been the anxious or avoidant partner depending on my partners attachment style.
How about gentleness and an extra dose of patience mixed with love next time you meet an avoidant. You met them cause you too have your limits. Avoidants are not scum to be considered hopeless and unworthy. They need your love expressed securely to help them get past the fear you'll leave them. If you are trustworthy and secure and serious, they will know ...they are hypervigilant. Be consistent; they will repay your love tenfold...if not hundredfold.
repaying the love hundredfold is a waste because once they do that and this creates emotional closeness they feel vulnerable and pull the rug from underneath you and create an excuse to stonewall you. This is crazy making for most people. Avoidants need to work on healing themselves before they start a relationship.
Um, since when is it our responsibility to heal an avoidant partner? Because you can't heal somebody who doesn't do the work to get better for themselves. I've been in that relationship, for 13yrs!!! Id constantly hear "You NEVER want to work with me or make me feel heard"!!!
I changed the way i spoke, my approach, vocabulary, tone, behavior, in all kinds of ways, nothing. I was in therapy, he was too and we did couples counseling, no results, just demands! What happens is that the Avo partner continuously needs more and more "acceptance and accommodation" but then continuously reacts the same.
They fail themselves and make it your fault for not doing enough to make them feel safe, but no mater what, no amount of twisting yourself into knots works! They ask and demand for more under the pretense that they will open up, but it happens so rarely. Only when it's absolutely necessary for them.
That's because they are fundamentally not able to let go of the real issues, their real problem within themselves. Resentment. It's worse if they have a victim attitude. Only by consistently making the effort to try and overcome their avoidance can anything their partner does be effective.
Avoidants are the ones leaving. Attached people are willing to do ANYTHING to keep the relationship and that includes fixing themselves. Secure people are obviously secure and they're usually reliable.
Avoidants, however, are sabotaging everything because they simply do not care. All they need to do is to just say a few honest words every now and then. That's literally enough to prevent imposing trauma onto others.
@maxsheerin8219usually men? I think that's an unfair assumption. Perhaps im just speaking from personal experience, but my last two relationships have been with avoidant women that also play the victim in order to reinforce their own predispositions. I'm was continuously caught in their cycle of adulation and absolute rejection, and I have to be the one that suffers the harshest abuse and rejection at the wrong end of the cycle. To be fair, people can change attachment styles from relationship to relationship depending on the context. I have been in secure relationships in the past, but my most recent experience has made me doubt if its ever possible again.
He kept saying he wants to be there for me and take care of me and then when I wanted to discuss next steps he pushed me away so fast and started to withdraw. He was spending a lot of time with me before.
It's interesting that it's usually the female who is anxious and the male is avoidant. I'm a female who is avoidant, and I've decided not to be in intimate relationships (in all their forms) anymore to avoid all the drama. I have the skills to deal with narcissist and anxious. I just don't want to anymore. It's not fulfilling in any sense and a real waste of time.
as a securely attached person...thank you
I was just thinking how basically all of the characteristics that avoidant find attractive, are things that us women have needed to learn in order to hold our own independently. Meanwhile we are tired, want to share the load, and are nearly desperate for it which causes anxiety. What a paradox.
same. I think I'm more avoidant.
and I don't think I was built to be in a relationship. at least nothing close to what society calls a relationship. just seems like it's putting up with a lot of stress and unpleasantness without much reward.
I have more peace on my own.
Avoidant female here as well(dismissive type), and I agree. Cost-benefit doesn't add up, we do better on our own and are happier with friends than all the drama and neediness of a partner. Her 'advice' of NOT giving space when we ask for it, yeah nah I'm outta there faster than a mouse in a cattery 💨
@@mk9199 Just thinking about this "advice" is triggering. The stronger the hold the faster we slip away.
Usually they’re choosing you for sex, temporary companionship or they can see you have earning power or have a house or wealthy family. They’ll be loyal to you once you have that “dowry” for them.
Yup you nailed it . This is what mine did .
Wow! I have a lot to think about! Too real!!
Yep, mine too. Same same same
🙋♂️
Eerily accurate 😳🫢
When nearly everyone is emotionally fucked up in this world, it's just a matter of whom will hurt whom first and whom will decide to be forgiving and patient so it can work out. But when it gets to the point that forgiveness and patience it's not paying off, it turns out to be a matter of protecting yourself before you become just like them.
i told him that I am holding back a lot of my emotions because I’m afraid to overwhelm him and cause him to feel smothered. it’s interesting to know that I should let all those emotions flow.
I do and did let my emotions flow and he told me I was mentally unwell. I got angry because he was breaking up with me for the fourth time. I told him exactly how I felt and that was his was doing was cruel mind you I was in another country visiting him. This just happened last week. All he did was insult me. Be very careful. I will never let him back to into my life again. The only reason I did give it another try was because he had me convinced I was to blame for everything well I’ve seen who he is and I can’t unsee it nor do I want anything to do with him. You deserve better and so do I.
Ironic no that the confidence they see as so appealing in a partner, is very quickly destroyed by them due to their inconsistency, lack of transparency and lack of self awareness about their own disfunction.
As soon as you're aware they're dismissive avoidant, give them what they want and leave them alone - the low key abuse will harm your brain, shatter your self esteem and make a mockery of the whole concept of a relationship 💀
Good point. The anxiously attached must learn very quickly how to self-sooth and to maintain that strength to keep the relationship going. In the end it becomes difficult. Eventually the anxiously attached (if they have self worth) realise they are not getting what they put in and seek affection elsewhere.
I know right.
Damn, I feel 100% called out. I didn’t use to be like this, though. I’m better off single until I figure my shit out.
It's okay to not be perfect, and still be in a relationship. I think the key is willingness to work on your own issues, and hopefully your partner is doing the same. You are lovable, even with your flaws!
@@bcrwarlock1974No, they were right. You owe it to your future partners to get your shit worked out first so you don’t screw them over with your baggage.
@@chelsey241 The answer is somewhere in between. People do need to sort their issues in between relationships, but if you find yourself in one, you do the best you can at the moment. You can’t always have the most ideal situation; if you want your current relationship to work out, you might have to build the boat as you sail it. Assuming it's not just, like, a terrible relationship, of course.
In my case I feel like there’s stuff in my personal life I need personal space to work on at my own pace without a partner’s needs and expectations factoring in, so I’m relieved to be single at the moment.
@@theoneneolinkwell said
avoidants are people too. both avoidant and anxious attachment styles have pros and cons. some of yall gotta stop acting like the other party is solely the problem.
True
You lost the plot bro, they both have to be healed out of
@@shoopaah how did i lose the plot? it is quite obvious both have to heal if both attachement styles are unhealthy.
@@israelmateaki9235 Then your point is ok, but the people who watch these have issues so it seems off the plot to play the pros and cons or responding to stupid judgmental shit. That's all, I'm comfortable with the nuance that you intended to clear the air on judgmental shit.
@@shoopaah i see what you’re saying. as someone who was avoidant and then anxious at different periods of my life, i just dislike to see people in need trashing on other people in need.
"And if you decline to participate in that experience, then that's really good information for me" wow. I loved this video.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure I like this comment thread. As someone who's had CPTSD and has been working on my issues, all these comments saying that avoidant people don't deserve love are really terrifying to me.
I think what the video creator is saying is that the behaviors an avoidant person has can sour and ruin a relationship if not accounted for. Yes, as avoidant people do need to heal for reasons including a good love life. However, to dismiss avoidant people for their situation to me is wrong. You're ironically doing to them what an avoidant does with their patterns.
In a relationship - any relationship - we should actively work on being our best selves. That doesn't mean taking someone else's crap, but it also doesn't mean discarding someone because of their past. We all have pasts that influence how we act. We should tell people how we feel, keeping an eye to the emotional load that another person can handle, and we should negotiate ways to be with and around each other.
Ultimately, this idea that one should never date an avoidant because they're avoidant is ableist in the extreme. Those saying that are people I'm quite happy to avoid in as many contexts as is reasonable. Avoidant folks aren't the only ones that need to do some introspection.
At the end of the day these are just labels for behaviour patterns. Each person's reasons are going to be unique, but at the end of the day we each just need to find someone we mesh with
I think many people are just venting frustrations because they have been hurt by people with similar patterns of behavior. I think what they mean is don't date partners with unhealthy behavior patterns.
Even if someone wants to work on their behaviors, it will take a long time to truly fix/heal. It's not fair to ask the other person to wait or continue to be hurt. I'm my experience if I see unhealthy patterns of behavior early and I know it will take a long time to fix I leave. It's better to be with a partner who is at the same stage in life.
They'll probably dismiss you first, anyways hehehe
Same. 😢 social media has created this dichotomy where avoidants are always the villains and anxious attachment people are always the victims. We’re both messed up and need to work on ourselves 😅
I agree. Plus what some people in this comment section describe doesn't even sound like avoidant attachment, but like anxious preoccupied/ambivalent attachment. And some describe behaviour that sounds like the narcissistic abuse circle. And they just claim that's their experience with an avoidant partner, when that sounded like the experience you would expect from someone with a cluster b personality disorder.
I think some of them are mixing things up and don't actually know what avoidant attachment is.
And here is the plot twist to this; these are the very same people who run behind you, say they are Real (that's the big one lol) and looking for that special friend. Meanwhile in the beginning you low key weren't trying to get involve with anyone at that moment. You were contended in your life if only for that time but eventually they awaken something inside of you (an intrigue) You eventually gave time to have a connection and then they sabotage all of it and ran away. Left you holding a bag of emotions, feelings and confusing which you don't know what to do with. Until you get rid of it all. The cycles continue IF you let it. Look for the signs, tap into your spiritual gift strongly and start discerning people and run as fast as you can.
Thank you for this comment.
Thank you.
Very on point with my experience.
Non consistent love made me obsessed and bring so much anxiety into my life. I became really emotionally volatile. She broke up with me 3 times during 2 years. I wanted to show her love and compassion but ultimately it wrecked me.
Please also reflect on your attachment style whether it is anxious or secure.
Avoidant types be it male or female are repulsed by neediness, clinginess anything that appears could disrupt their own independence. ( I am speaking for my self).
It will not matter how nice you are.
The better question to ask is what do they find attractive and what are their life goals. Talk about their childhood and ask how it made them feel. Avoidants have a hard time with “feelings” and may only express them in moments of trauma like a birth or a death. Things literally life changing.
Now there are some other videos on TH-cam that further breakdown the cycles avoidants go through do to no contact.
It’s all so interesting.
Good luck with your dating life. ❤
@@KeiyaHood oh believe me I reflect about my attachment so much, got much more insight and will to do the work. I feel like I have lean anxious in that dynamic, but feel like even being secure seems needy for a avoidant person, especially when they deactivate. On the long run I just feel disconnected and sad and that just make things worse. Expressing need to talk things and resolve stuff just repulse avoidant. Everything should be easy and smooth for them, otherwise they pull away
The last person i dated was definitely avoidant. We made it past conflict resolution so it ended upnwith both us resenting each other . He always dismissed my feelings about things that hurt me. It was just a no for me. I tend to go between anxious and secure attachment within myself. So im not attracted to him emotionally anymore bevause i want someone who is more open, emotionally safe and intelligent, and validating
I could not have said that better myself! Spot on. Find a grown up that can reciprocate. 💕
😢i feel it
I realised I was avoidant by just the amount of stalkers I attracted. Realising this made a ton of difference in my life.
or you are emotionally devoid like a robot
I don't understand what you mean? also can you give me your fb, insta and tiktoks please :) for no reason in particular.
this is my problem. Ive become avoidant because of how weird people treat me.
I fear closeness. If you want to drive me away, start putting demands on me. Not requests; demands.
Also, start lying to me.
It would help if you got suspicious and critical towards me.
Try to micromanage my behavior: how I look, dress, run my life.
Be convinced your ideas are far better than mine.
Treat me as if I'm dumb.
Don't be interested in my emotions, dismiss them, minimize them, or even better, take my feelings as a personal insult of some sort towards yourself.
Tell me you're going to help me with something I'm desperate enough to actually ask for help for (very rare), and then flake on the offered support.
Be sure to guilt trip and gaslight me while you're at it.
...I will dash like my butt is on fire..
@@grmpEqweer Please dash to a therapist's office and work on healing your avoidant attachment issues and traumas. If what you describe is true, then you are a mess and need help.
Oh my goodness, I am emotionally intense. He is so hot and cold, on and off. There is never time to progress this relationship because after we connect, he ghosts me.
Dump that loser ❤
Stop going back. It is a game to him.
My ex was like this. I regret not breaking up with her before she did me because she was clearly the problem.
@@danieljones8191 thank you for sharing this.
In my opinion and personal experience Avoidant attachment style should be classified in personality disorders. And I mean in addition to avoidant personality disorder (cluster c), avoidant attachment style should be added.
And I recommend you if dating an avoidant, consider them as having a mental disease. Do not take this problem lightly. You will be in pain.
Best advice is to avoid avoidants.
Yes. The problem with therapy is that it neglects morality. It's justified to feel angry when someone doesn't listen to you or disrespects you. (And the takeaway from that is also that YOU should think about the ways you could have been hurtful to someone to, given some objective standard of morality)
It is already. It's avoidant personality disorder, it's in cluster A.
Btw there is a difference between having an avoidant attachment style or full blown avoidant personality disorder.
A lot of people talk about the personality disorder, but say attachment style.
It's like talking about anxious attachment as if it is fullblown borderline personality disorder. Not everyone who has anxious attachment will have BPD or behave like someone with BPD.
I think because people don't know the Cluster A personality disorders well, they mix things up. Some people who are avoidant just have a tendency to self isolate and need longer to trust and that's it. It's a spectrum.
I hope this helps a bit.
As a fearful avoidant, I unfortunately find myself attracted to dismissive avoidant partners. With anxious partners, I'll take them for granted at best or, more likely, find them annoying and suffocating.
That's because "anxious partners" can often appear "clingy and needy." The DA grew up with at least one "DEMANDING PARENT." So, any neediness or clinginess "FEELS DEMANDING" to them; reminds them of childhood. It takes a real "intuitiveness and BALANCE ACT" on the partner of a DA to be able to "mirror them" a bit UNTIL they get healed more. In other words....let them "come close" at their own speed.
PS Most people in the world don't "self help" or try and heal, so essentially unless you are dealing with someone else who is ALSO doing their own "shadow work," you are essentially trying to have relationships with people who are still VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL. It can almost be an IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION unless BOTH PARTIES are willing to "work through their issues" TOGETHER. This was true in my marriage; we divorced after 32 years. Couldn't make it work cuz he didn't want to "work with me" on overcoming toxic behavior, and I got TIRED of "carrying the burden."
True
10 yr relationship with someone just like this. Most confusing relationship of my life. Crazy making and hammered my self esteem.
Absolutely. 5 years now. It needs to end.
36 years here ... I have changed so much - My happy go lucky spark has been replaced with depression, fear and negativity - The person I thought I would be with forever is now a person I don't know and I no longer have myself either
Yeah I'm still trying to recover.
I heard it’s because we are trying to heal eachother through eachother. But often what ends up happening is one or both parties are traumatized again
Thank you for watching in for commenting. That’s a very insightful and succinct way of putting it.
I love an avoidant but it is so painful. I'm never sure whether to give him space or initiate a conversation. My feelings are ignored. He avoids talking about deep stuff. I'm not even sure if I'm in a relationship. I know he has emotional wounds but it's so painful to love an avoidant.
I say this with the most heart.... If you want him to chase you, ghost him... I did this and my ex avoidant chases me till this day... But I'm in love with an anxious... And I'm an anxious and it's way better so I'm never going back to an avoidant person
And I ghosted because we got into an argument and he acted like he gave no shits and it was the last straw for me.... I was pretty surprised that he's been chasing this long but the guy I have now is way better yeah he still has issues bc of adhd but after Finally having someone who wants to do what I wanna do and does not ignore me on purpose shit is crazy bc all I've done is deal with avoidant I won't ever do it again, I'd rather date anxious or secure.... Anything with avoidant I'm just going to avoid they are secret narcs
In my humble experience of loving an avoidant, the best option was the first one. Give them space... forever. Your judgment will clear with time, but only if you are giving them space. Because when you give them space you are therefore also giving yourSELF space. When you do that everything gradually comes into focus and you can see the person for who they really are.
If they won't get therapy, it'll be painful for you.
@@auralionasol2205 It sounds more as a fearful avoidant and they are chasing you because you are safer to love when you are gone than when you love them back. I do that too when I feel lonely and I know i would run away again if my "ex" actually came back. Good thing they are avoidant. I always find weird when anxious people say we are narc because I´m nor the one using people as supply to feel lovable? At worst what I want is just the pleasure of experiencing love for someone without the risk of them expecting me to love them "right" and punishing me when I don't (by like, calling me a narc and stuff). Sorry Mommy made it complicated for me :(
My psychologist friend said that the longer they are in avoidant behaviour the more likely it is that they won't change. It takes a lot of work to unpack the trauma and move on.
I totally understand. Too much pain.
Feel so sorry for them...
😢
We never knew differently.
We may be on the outside looking in.
We are 'freaks' sometimes even to ourselves.
We may see it as healing and self-preservation.
The way that we know how.
My ex was an anxious who later turned into an avoidant. That relationship brought me to my knees. I learnt some harsh lessons from it.
Gosh I’m currently going through the same. My partner was an anxious too, now is an avoidant. She’s thrown away a whole relationship because of miscommunication.
Im in that situation weve been together 20 years and have a 17 year old what the hell.@@tamzsha4776
@@tamzsha4776 I’m sorry you are going through this. In my situation there were a series of issues between us that turned my partner into an avoidant. I tried to save the relationship but he had checked out. It was a roller coaster of emotions that I never want to experience again. I hope you are doing ok.
That sounds like disorganized attachment. They are a mix of both anxious and avoidant…so the worst of both worlds.
@@bystandersarah Yes, the worst of both worlds. There were a number of red flags I ignored to our detriment. He brought out the worst in me too sadly.
I used to be anxiously attached... and now after more trauma I am disorganized or I have traits of both.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Sometimes they are not avoidant, they just don't like you enough
But probably not 10 in a row
That doesn't mean you are not likable ❤️ The right person falls in love with all of you
Yes unfortunately many people mis diagnose or over diagnose because of catchy label. Same goes with narcissism. Suddenly everyone is diagnosed as a narcissist.
@@Questioneverything72 it is overused, but very few narcissist get diagnosed because they do not seek out help. And very few avoidants change or get better.
Agree with this and it happens a lot with women getting used for something like sex or housing when the guy isn’t all that into her, or just holding her as a placeholder until he meets someone he actually cares a lot about.
I feel like there is no way... It doesn't matter If I am myself, expressing emotions or holding back, it always sucks with avoidants. They are sick and not self aware. Hurting others...
I am anxious trying to connect with an avoidant for 13 years. I love him deeply, I am done.
I feel for you
Same :(
I am anxious and I was in 12 years relationship with an avoidant and he left me for someone else last summer....I even tried to become more secure but even this obviously doesnt work..
15 years here!! 😢😢 But now we're finally separated.
I was in a severely abusive narcissistic marriage.
I found the courage to speak up.
I left and went through 4 years of more hell trying to divorce him.
I was broken. A shell of my former self.
And the only thing I could think to do was pray. I got on my knees, bowed my head
and just sobbed to Father in heaven.
And when I got up… I did feel a little better, so I did it again the next night. And the next and so on.
It wasn’t immediate, but it was consistent. Gradually I felt the weight of the grief, pain, betrayal, aching heart, and consuming thoughts lifting from my body.
I felt a peace and comfort that I couldn’t explain.
I swear on my children’s lives that prayer changed my life.
If you believe in hell… because you have been in it… then there MUST be a heaven.
God hears you.
Sending light and love.
The power of finding a reason in suffering. I envy you for that.
I believe that everyone deserves a chance at love, if you fall in love with an avoidant, and are not willing to learn, or be a better version of yourself, a more secure version to make that relationship better, you’re giving up on love… the same thing goes for them. Everyone has baggage, the right partner won’t let you carry it yourself, but you’ll be able to unpack both of yours together. If you’re in a relationship, you can learn how to be healthy together, to be happy and be in a relationship. Nobody can expect it to just work right off the back, love is an act, it takes practice and discipline, and after all that, you win in life, because you have built the best version of yourself and if your partner did too, then you are probably one of the most communicative and trusting couples by the end of it. Also! Love is meant to be resilient, it’s not meant to break at the sight of a challenge, if you truly love someone you’ll fight for each other.
The avoidance mitigates against that self improvement and working on the relationship, unfortunately. After reaching out several times a day to connect and address any issues and being rejected for years on end, requesting couples’ counseling and clergy which are refused, it’s either stay and be miserable or make a clean break.
Just be wary of the vulnerable narcissist. They are extremely covertly manipulative
My experience is that the traits that attract an avoidant tend to be the giving and selfless aspects of a person. The avoidant doesn't want to give, so they need someone who is giving, who gives more than they should. The avoidant is self-absorbed, so they need their partner to be selfless in order for the relationship to survive the lack of effort & affection. It is inherently imbalanced. One is witholding as a survival strategy, the other is giving as a survival strategy.
Thank you for watching and for offering your perspective and experience. It sounds like you have done a lot of exploration and achieved great insight! I might offer, in my perspective, this is more of a codependant dynamic layered on top of insecure attachment styles. You might appreciate this video: Anxious Attachment, Trauma Bonding, and Codependency in Relationships
th-cam.com/video/K2EWwJPlowQ/w-d-xo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I agree, it is a codependent dynamic, layered on top of insecure attachment styles. But being in an insecure attachment style makes it more difficult to avoid these codependent dynamics ime. The examples you brought up in the video apply more to secure attachment styles imo, or secure with a bent to each side of the spectrum, i.e. secure (B) and secure-avoidant (B/C) vs secure-anxious (B/A). Either that, or the person is self-aware and has worked on their insecure avoidant attachment style.
@@anem6737 thank you for sharing your perspective. The examples I brought up in my video are the traits that avoidant partners consciously describe themselves being attracted to. It is the ideal that they would tell you they’re attracted to, and it is truly what they find admirable in others. That is why I talk about the shadow aspect of attraction in the second part of the video, which means that sometimes there’s a discrepancy between what we think we want, and what we actually find ourselves being attracted to and engaging with. additionally, this information was extracted from the survey I did of my email list, which is more than 50,000 people. We received more than 200 responses and the themes that emerged coincide with what I’ve offered here, Having worked for 15+ years with individuals on all sides of the fence.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Yes, it makes a lot of sense that avoidants describe themselves as being attracted to independent partners, as the main feeling they have in their relationships is being stuck and wanting more freedom. But in reality, on a subconscious level they seem to seek out anxious people, at least in my experience, probably what you call the "shadow" aspects of attraction, and one told me that being with another avoidant quickly falls apart because none of them is interested in giving the little extra. Which is anecdotal. But as I have seen a lot of this, including an avoidant who continues to seek out "clingy" partners while despairing over them and wanting advice on how to make them more "self-sufficient", it does guide my personal opinion. I appreciate your study though, which gives additional information about this phenomenon.
not true. I am avoidant but also over giving and have been exploited my whole life
I'm secure attachment who got with an avoidant, he'd claim he had so much love for me but I never got to see it or feel it, he'd get busy with work or family for days, and all I'd ask was to let me know that he'd be busy just one text a day would have been appreciated, but apparently that was also too much to ask. I was open with my communication and clearly stated what I wanted or what actions of his had hurt me, but he'd refuse to have a conversation, we were just supposed yo shove our feelings under the carpet. i used to admire him so much for his intelligence and his😂 hard work but knowing him at a personal level made me realize he's just a stuck up child who thinks he knows the best. I hope he finds someone exactly like himself and spend his entire life wondering if he's even loved by his partner or not!
AMEN
They want a friend with benefits
Why do you need a text every day? Just make your own plans, live your life, don't sit by the phone waiting if he'll be busy or not in order to choose what you'll do with your day. You call him a stuck child, to me this sounds childish and he probably was equally disappointed by getting together with a woman just to realize he's dating a little stuck girl who needs a constant reassurance that her emotions are valid and she's loved. But that's your job.
@@SirinBayazit I did all of that, had my own life but it's not normal to stop acknowledging the existence of someone you love, dropping a text saying that you'll be busy is barest minimum.
As for me being childish, unlucky for you, you know neither me nor my ex partner so your judgement on me is irrelevant.
I seem to have touched a nerve there, I assume you are an avoidant yourself, would love to get your perspective on what goes through your mind when you claim to love someone but do nothing to bring them ease.
Why would someone who can't even drop a text a day be in a relationship and drain the other person emotionally? There would be bare minimum expectations in relationship obviously. @@SirinBayazit
So "be eternally patient with an avoidant, always give them space, and accept they might not be able to show you affection (physical or emotional) back." Hell no. I'd rather pursue a relationship with a secure person who can love and support me back like I love and support them. Everyone deserves a two way street, you should be PEERS. If they're incapable of being a peer then leave (as hard as it may be).
Aka Enable their Maladaptive Defence Mechanisms so they never have to actually do the work and heal
There is a difference between an avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder. What you describe is avoidant personality disorder.
People with an avoidant attachment style ( who don't have a personality disorder ) tend to self isolate under stress and need a long time to trust, but once they do they are very loyal and they can show emotions very well once they trust someone.
These are 2 different things.
did you actually watch and listen to this video?
why to waste so much time and resources in this kind of people (Avoidants) do not force anything, just let them go and go on with your life.
Or we can find someone healthier. This sounds like too much work and relationships need to be fun and make us feel good.
That's totally within your freedom. The amount of work you want to put into a relationship is totally up to you. If someone meets someone else and it requires more work, but their heart feels that it could be worth it in the long run, then that's their freedom too.
Someone may want to buy a house that's already built and only focus on saving enough money for it, someone else may want to build a house and focus on finding the right materials to build it with and learning the skills they need to build it. No person is wrong.
Yeah I'm anxious and working to become more secure. I want my next and hopefully final partner to be securely attached. I am TIRED.
Im the avoidant person (female) and when Im with a man who makes me feel safe I have no problem with communication!
Anxious man here, how does one do that? And are you still with one of those who created that safety?
That’s probably what you think lol. Or you’re not so deep in your avoidancy/ you’re healing
@@emiliendavis9563 Knowing your attachment style allows you to work on yourself, we are only as good as the work we put into ourselves.
The same I'm a fearful avoidant but when I've dated someone consistent I've showed up more consistently and communicated openly
@@kkb892The likes of you think they're perfect and just like to blame others instead of look within themselves
We only have a very small time in this world, time is the most valuable currency. There is no reason to waste your limited life on someone who you have to dedicate energy that will more likely shorten your life span to accommodate. Let them figure themselves out and take back your own life.
Stellar advice……but it will likely fall on deaf ears. When it comes to “ love” both men and women go to strange limits to “keep” it around!
So dismissive avoidants appreciate someone that does all the work… Check. That’s my life…doing everything for somebody else while they’re completely checked out.
Are you married to the person?
Yes 28 years
@@bdunn315 Are you able to divorce?
I just discovered this channel a few days ago - this was the first video, and then binged a truckload of them. I am genuinely heartened by the way she consistently talks about every flavor of personality in a way that respects their dignity. EVERYONE is talked about objectively and without a value judgment. Nobody is victimized nor villainized. It's all about how we got here and how we grow forwards. For that, I'm grateful. I skew to the avoidant side of things, and I feel understood here. I also have a much better understanding of everyone else too.
I wonder how much the other commenters are actually listening to the video. Seems like half the people here are just looking for a punching bag. They don't WANT avoidant people to heal, because then they lose their scapegoat. That makes me sad. Don't make me sad please. :(
I agree with you. I often wonder if they receiving what she said in the video which is excellent.
I am disorganized attachment according to this video. I have exhibited anxious, avoidant and still work to be secure although I can be triggered and revert to insecure.
It’s fascinating to learn this stuff because it makes me hopeful that I will finally have a successful relationship in the near future and take the approach more wholeheartedly that it is me and not you. That maybe my attachment style makes you crazy or vice versus.
I was running through two scenarios while she was talking which help me understand who I was avoidant with one partner and anxious with another.
My anxious partner I was avoidant and my avoidant partner I was anxious.
This self discovery is wild and the woman is incredible. ❤
@@KeiyaHood For whatever it's worth from some rando dude on the internet - I'm optimistic for you too :) just being able to talk about this stuff clearly and openly means so much. The framework is already there for us to listen and learn from.
For me, I really find that I have the tools to communicate with anybody at this point, regardless of their attachment style. My personal struggle, as someone who's still a mile deep in the avoidant style, is that I just do it veeerrrry slowly. That rubs some (most) people the wrong way, and that's okay. (as I spend 30 minutes proofreading this comment lol)
Would you be willing to talk more about what it's like to have a shift in style based on who you're relating to? I'd be curious to hear more about this from a personal perspective, if you're game to talk about it more :)
Dating an avoidant is like moving to the upside down.
Hahahahaha
😂
Avoidants like people that will tolerate their unhealthy immature behaviors
Don't enable others and reward bad behavior
Narcissism anyone?
After my experience, I only regret that I trusted fully this person.
I don't know how people I see in the comments can go onto a video about avoidants, know that we didn't choose to be how we are, that it's a trauma response, and just shit all over us. You come to the exact place where we are trying to heal and shit on us. That's pretty low.
Yeah these comments are talking like being avoidant makes people straight up narcissists. Why when someone's needy it's fine but someone's avoidant it's demonized when both are trauma responses.
Your insensitivity to our trauma is helping nothing. We are literally here to do just that, heal.@maxsheerin8219
Yeah, two sides of the same coin, but treated completely differently. @@c.leighx
@maxsheerin8219 They are trying to by putting themselves out there and trying to date. If you cant accept others have flaws that's not their problem.
@maxsheerin8219 Ok most avoidants don't traumatize others. Where do you get that from? We're not ambivalent or have black and white thinking which leads to idealisation and devaluation. That's something else.
We tend to self isolate and need a long time to trust. That's how it is for most avoidant people. Idk what you are talking about.
10:56 As someone who leans towards avoidant, I think this advice lack tact. It's like throwing a toy spider at someone who are afraid of spiders and go "See? It's just a toy spider. You got scared of a toy spider, but it's not scary. It's just a toy, why do you act scared?" Meanwhile the other person is shaking and traumatized by this prank.
Someone else said it much better. The best people are the ones who are patient and understanding. The person, without ego. The person who patiently ask and listen as if the other person know something that could be of value. That opens the heart up like a lotus flower, however. The moment you introduce your own emotional ego, and make that the center of attention, is the moment the person with avoidant: A.) Doesn't have to approach or engage with the heart of their issue. B.) They're now threatened by your toy-spider.
To do so gives you a short-term feeling of doing good, but with the cost of the medium-long term because you'll always be associated with a scary spider, no matter what you do. If you can't be patient and understanding, then walk away. It's much better to rip the band-aid off.
Avoidants are full of contradictions and again just all humans are.
So avoidants want and need lots of time to develop a safe connection with that new person but what’s contradicting is that avoidants are non-committal, 😂‼️
@@GabrielleP310 In a way, yes. As they say, a burnt child is shy of fire. Or in this case, a person who is avoidant is avoidant of commitment because they've been hurt in the past. This is a way to heal that wound.
Thank you. I am learning as to her and her avoidant. It requires me to put my ego aside to be focused on her emotional needs not mine. As I have already read that she is a good hearted woman not an entitled taker I can do this putting her needs first second not about what I think I need I am helping her grow . The better I am as to safe trustworthy and not about me allows her to grow the best at bet speed for her to heal😊
I dated an abusive narcissist once, and I dated an avoidant recently. The amount of damage done was the same, except the avoidant did it faster.
Please don't ever waste your time on an avoidant!!!
Well after having spent years with an avoidant i know that any expression of any kind of sensation is immediately followed by: If you say that again i will leave you.
Why bother to make excuses for and walk on eggshells for the avoidant instead of just leaving. Aviodants will not work on it and would rather be alone.
So why not just leave them alone? They will not change since they prefer solitude but with an available person on the side. But not inside their life.
@@Vicky-lg7oy I have done this on more than one occasion. Back then my fear of never finding.love again, of never be worthy of love so much stronger than my ability to see what I should do.
Today i am in a much better place. Yet still I am going too far to fix it before I am ending it. So on my way but.not there yet..I wish I was there.
Yes. They deserve it.
For the record, my avoidant GF never left me no matter what happened- I was the one to leave her, and she always wanted me back. I left 3 times in 5.5 years and I can say on good authority that my attachment style was secure, but deteriorating to somewhat anxious in the last year of our relationship. Our couples' therapist was visibly stunned by the amount of patience, observance and care I took in trying to facilitate growth and effective communication over the years, with my ex actually nodding in agreement to my statements on that during our only session, after which I had seen my final red flag by the expression on the therapist's face and I turned a corner. It's been 6 months and I am still somewhat in recovery mode, but steadily moving on. I agree, though, they won't let you inside. It's like dating a cactus...........
I am thankful to be divorced and not experience this anymore. I got married in 2008 when no one was really speaking about this… but I appreciate how your work may bless others in their life goals to feel loved, safe and secure. #modernfairytale for so many of us.
I dated avoidants but curious to know what they can be in marriage
1. Independence
2. confidence
3. Self sufficiency
4. Directness
5. Emotional strength
Funny they are attracted to the very things that they themselves are poor at exerting.
They’re always on defense, highly sensitive to conversations that requires emotional intelligence and maturity.
These relationship dynamics are destructive and tiresome. So much manipulation, neglect, and tomfoolery.
No thankyou
Not quite avoidants are extremely independent and self sufficient by necessity. Due to upbringing no one was bringing the life saving vest for them so they spent years developing ways to self soothe and “handle” their own emotional woes. They seek partners who do the same, because they see this as only respectful to not burden others with the heaviness of your emotions.
Most people that have insecure attachment tend to seek out partners that have the qualities they lack as a form of compensation. In a way having those qualities through their partner. Which yes, is usually an unhealthy relationship.
@xanders.7603 that's fine...if they're trying to emulate and adopt the characteristics....apply them to themselves. Treat their partner with consideration and respect...but no! They make break their partner down by chipping at their self esteem and making them feel like theyre the problem. They use us as emotional punching bags instead of admitting they're the ones that have the problem
@@iamsoohappy i noticed you avoided the first comment in favor of one supporting your feelings! I am a FA, and I broke up with an anxious and extremely codependent INFJ. I cared for her but she expected me to carry her emotions which is not possible. And she had no respect for my time. She would threaten her life if I wouldn't stay up all night listening to her. Was I incorrect to tell her truthfully we both need therapy and to ask her to heal before we try again? I doubt it. I see a lot of malicious hurt feelings in these comments. I am aware of my patterns and am actively working on changing them so as not to bring more hurt into the world.
@jaredpatterson1701 you are mistaken. I didn't avoid anything. So please stop projecting. I loved what the first commenter had to say and didn't feel the need to respond to it. In any case...if a healthy relationship were to exist, balance is needed from both partners. Maybe the anxious is teaching fearful/dismissive to be more vulnerable and to let down their walls while the other teaches anxious to be more independent. All I see are alot of unhealed people who want relationships but don't really know how to show up for one...simply because they cannot face the parts of themselves that need to be addressed and balanced. Instead they use each other as a crutch, blame, gaslight, project, or try to make the other submit to their constitution.
As a classic DA man with a 17 year marriage experience to an AA woman, her emotional intensity was certainly the gift attracting me to her, but then it would swell into emotional insobriety (see Heidi Preibe YT) and trigger my memories of parental emotional abuse and withdrawal. AAs would do well to accept that there is a limit her DA can tolerate and that it may even be an appropriate boundary being exercised.
By far, the best anxious avoidant video I've seen. My partner (avoidant) and I (anxious) have been dealing with this. I met her in October best thing that ever happened to me. We both instantly were so into each other. In love talking about marriage first date. Then 4 months in I experienced her avoidant side. Every went crazy. We were both so lost. Learned so much about this. And this video is exactly us in every way! The way she puts this is so beautiful!! Understanding and working together on this is very hard but so rewarding. Thanks for the amazing video. I subscribed and will be watching learning and making our way through this new life challenge.
I fell in love with a woman that suffers from cptsd. We were at the same school and I would say that we liked each other. I invited her to some coffee, we shared some things about each other and so on. One day she said to me that she wants to become a lawyer so I bought her a book about the criminal code, so that she could study a bit and do something that she enjoys. A class mate of ours later on that day said that she was happy about the present. One time she invited me to a walk and she said that she has some sympathy for me. I invited her to a coffee and cake on the same day. It was a nice day. I enjoyed every second of it! On the 19th of December I invited her to my apartment because we made some christmas presents for our teachers. She kept me waiting 3-4 hours tho, because one of her closest friends was not doing well according to her. I believed her. We kept things distant and respect each others space so nothing sexual happened but we enjoyed the time together nontheless. She stayed just one hour. At the end of the day I gave her a hug and said goodbye to each other. She said that she wanted to meet me again but since then we did not have any contact. Its been two months since then. She keeps watching my whatsapp status at times but no contact at all. I like her so much and I noticed that I want to become a better version of myself as soon as I spent time with her. I adore her intelligence, her kindness, her laughter, her way of talking, her voice... I miss her so badly... I am very sad about the fact that we do not have any contact anymore and do not know what to do... Any advice?
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I’m glad that the video content has been helpful.🙏💕
@@EminDemiri-le6gq Wow, reading this reminded me a little of my own story. You know, nothing solves problems like talking. So approaching would probably be the best idea. Not dm's, direct approaching. If I'm right and this girl is similar to one I've been dealing with, she is very scared, and that fear may make her do something stupid, but if you are serious about her, you should talk, make the first move. You are likely someone that needs a lot of care, as you are attracted to her sensitivity, but she needs to feel safe with you, that she can rely on you, and even then she could be scared. It might be a long process and requires her to open up, but if you're serious about her I'll tell you that showing that you want to continue this relationship will help her in the long run, even if you two fail. If you won't speak to each other, all that will be left is regret, on both sides.
@@EminDemiri-le6gqshe probably thought you wanted a hook up and so wasn't sure to go over to your place and is trying to keep it kosher. Also, what are you studying? Hopefully you both are equally ambitious, bc usually women don't like to be the main provider 😅 don't like that masculine feeling it could give.. or maybe she changed her mind about Law and feels embarassed?
Just ask. It's already a no. What could hurt if you ask?
OMG this is all so complex, is it any wonder that I take shelter, hiding in my bedroom at night instead of going out?
As a secure - I feel bad for the avoidant. They are struggling more than most of us. If you’re a man - keep your purpose in mind.
No, avoidants usually have high self esteem, and a belief that others are lesser than them to some degree. They may not be able to sustain a serious loving relationship, but they have a strong core and generally have happy lives. The folks who don’t run from relationships with avoidants might be able to fully love someone else, unlike avoidants, but often have issues with feelings of low self worth and shaky self esteem which is made worse by the avoidant’s jarring behavior.
I realized I'm extremely avoidant and idk what to do. People here are describing us as monsters but not all of us are. It's probably true that we should stay away from relationships, reason why yesterday I decided to brwak up with my boyfriend to give him the possibility to find a partner who meets his needs better than me, that wants to plan the future, unlike me. I've been devastated so I guess i will start going to a psychologist and hope it will help, because I'm aware it's a problem
Therapy is a good start. But why did you break up? It's not your responsibility to decide what's best for other adults and make decisions for others. If someone doesn't want to be with you they can tell you themselves. Are your sure you're not using it as an excuse?
Good luck with therapy.
@@0114855
If you say so. I think my exes are better off without me.
@@0114855 I think for most people it would feel terrible to know you aren't good enough. That no matter what you do, you can't fulfill your partners needs and live up to their expectations. That is actually very bad for someones self-esteem and self image. Avoidants learned that they are safest alone. So when they are hurting and self-preservation kicks in, they might break up.
I have never done this myself ( breaking up, because of this ) But I still know and understand the feeling from growing up in an environment where a was ok and b could have been an a. And nothing was ever good enough. It hurts.
What made you think that op wasn't suffering in the relationship? That it is just an excuse? Inferiority complex can be quiet harsh on the person.
I have broken up with plenty of girlfriends in the past for the same reason and because they were in love and I just felt bad about myself because of that. It's been difficult to receive gifts in the past as well. I done a lot of therapy both personal and with a psychologist and what helped me the most was learning to understand myself. What I do know is that 99% of people wont understand and will make up their own mind and stick to that even though they're wrong. I spent a LOT of time trying to understand people, why they do things and this helped me understand myself too.
@@0114855
Because of the guilt. If you were to find yourself in a relationship with someone who wants a marriage, and maybe kids, and you don't want that?
When it's obvious I'm not what they really want, I'm not capable of fulfilling their dreams?
Then they start trying to _make me into a person I can't be,_ because I'm not really what they want, but maybe they can _fix_ me...
I should go at that point.
I can't be cut to fit into someone's desired shape without despising myself. And I'm hurting them by being a cheap substitute for what they actually want.
Wow! It's one of the first time I watch a video that explains the emotional process of a avoidant people. I have mostly seen people being vilified. Thanks for bringing another perspective.
Well, the countless comments below are doing exactly that. Everytime i open a video for support, it's so triggering.
Excellent assessment. I’m the “anxious” female and my EX-boyfriend was the avoidant personality in the relationship, I was promised so many things, even the littlest things, there was NO ACTION. I FEEL like deep down he’s soft marshmallow filled Easter egg, but he sports a very Cool, “No worries”attitude. He CANNOT handle my overthinking, asking too many questions, & I know he’s been alone for so long, he forgot how to be in a relationship…I also have been single 18 years and am ready to find someone..but I don’t think it ls him. Even though I am feeling lonely without him, incomplete & just plain sad.
Your overthinking is a bad trait itself. Fix that before you set out for a secure partner.
I've discovered in the past year that I am avoidant and have recently begun to suspect that the woman that I am strongly attracted to is also an avoidant. This video gives me hope, as I was thinking I was dealing with a double whammy where both of us are interested in each other but exhibit behaviors where we alternately run away from each other. If I know what the problem is, I have a chance to work to improve the situation.