Why Dismissive Avoidants Struggle To Acknowledge Your Pain & What To Do Instead | Unmet Needs
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 ต.ค. 2024
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In this video, we explore why Dismissive Avoidants struggle to acknowledge your pain and what steps can be taken.
Have you ever struggled to be heard by a dismissive avoidant, especially after a heated argument and if so, what steps did you take?
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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Another blessed video that completely nails what my DA ex did to me in our relationship. Everything makes so much sense and I wish I had this knowledge 5 years ago. I would give anything for my DA ex to watch this video and really take in everything that Thais is sharing.
Me too.. wish I was as committed to PDS while committed to my DA today , would’ve salvaged my 3 year romance , 17 year friendship with him.. although I can’t wait to use all my new insight in my future .. manifesting perhaps a redo on my past
I am with a DA partner right now in a long distance relationship. I am anxiously attached and always sorta knew I had abandonment issues but this relationship has caused me to do extensive research (both in watching vids and reading books) on attachment theory and it has been a huge help to get me thinking in a more neutral and secure way. I only very recently learned that my partner perfectly fits into the DA category and so many behaviors that I took as lazy or non-committal now makes perfect sense to me, and to be honest, I feel terrible inside because I am guilty of having some stern talks with my partner on things they can do to help, and I have vented my frustrations, and it even got to the point where I did express my concern and expressed that the relationship is very strained. I also used to be extremely clingy and probably invaded their personal time and space on several occasions, although that is better now. I know now that basically everything that was normal for me to do in these situations have been the worse things I can could do to a DA person, I just didn't know that there was an entirely different lens like that to see the same situations we both go through. I have since very recently (past few days) told them about attachment theory, and had them watch videos on anxious attachment and also avoidant attachment, and of course, they didn't really voice their response to any of it but I hoped it at least helped them to see what I see and also let them know what I go through. I have expressed that I have done the same and will try to meet them halfway. Things do feel strained and one-sided a lot of the time still, with glimmers of hope here and there, but I just don't know how long it will be before they open up and I already probably made things worse along the way even though I felt my reactions to some of the things they did were fair at the time
@@SangheiliSpecOp Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, my DA ex has blocked me off everything and she'll never get to see how much I worked on my AP insecurities. I'm very happy that you are still in a relationship and working at it. Your DA partner will probably thank you for helping them become more secure in the future and the two of you will have grown much closer.
@@ZhengSW you are most welcome! I'm sorry to hear that your ex has blocked you, I know they may have their reasons just as you have your reasons for wanting to be close, but it doesn't make it any less troubling and I'm truly sorry to hear. I know how it is to be deep into being AP, I just want to hear anything from my partner sometimes that tells me they are into me at all, somedays it feels like we are just friends and somedays it feels like I'm even less than that. I have to go out of my way to initiate contact most of the time, my small talk about my morning or day gets one word replies or nothing at all, my questions to them also get mostly or wholly unanswered, I usually initiate sexual advances, and they are always preoccupied with video games or youtube videos or their phone, it seems to be their escape. Now that I know more about what it means to be a DA person, and I know that my partners guardian sometimes does sorta abusive things sometimes randomly, I can understand why they would want to just hold everything in and be hesitant to open up, and also why they enjoy their own space and doing their own activities. They are special to me and I'll always try to be a friend of theirs if not their partner (I want it so badly but it sucks that its so one sided), I do want to help them be a more secure person but it seems like they're wholly uninterested in the relationship or any of that stuff sometimes.
I was intentionally a bit vague with some details here just to protect them if you get me, but I think I said enough ya. I really thought I found "the one" during the honeymoon phase of the relationship but I was naive, and the sad part is that I feel they were never be that into me ever again. Do I keep waiting and hope things will get better while getting my heart caressed and poked with a knife every day? or do I move on... I don't know. Whatever happens, they have taught me a lot about the world and gave me new perspectives on everything, and they also made me research attachment theory and help myself out which is something I'll always be grateful for
@@SangheiliSpecOp how long have you been with your partner in total and how many months/years has it been long distance?
I’m secure attachment but tbh with you it’s unlikely to change unless they are wanting to change themselves. Often that doesn’t happen as they are avoiding the issues and themselves - that’s the biggest problem. That basically what this video further evidences to be n regardless of intentions, it is abusive. It doesn’t matter how much you raise it or send resources because they often suppress any emotions back down and change the narrative in their head to somehow make you the issue not them. This further fuels their belief system that other people are not to be trusted.
Long distance often works for them as they get to create a ‘safe’ barrier in the relationship which allows them to be less vulnerable. In turn it costs you your mental health and you may find you’re carrying a lot of the emotional weight of the relationship to make it work at your expense. That’s not a healthy relationship.
I find it helpful to ask yourself if the relationship wasn’t long distance then do you think you would still be together? Like think back to before it was and the frequencies of issues you experienced and how they were handled by the DA.
My point is that often the AA or FA and DA attachment works long distance because the AA will bend over backwards to make it work whereas the DA will continue self destructing to make it not work. Very few address their issues but those that do require some level of self awareness or willingness to learn and often that doesn’t happen.
The worst parts are the silence when you try to discuss the tough stuff only to return with something completely unrelated as if you never spoke, and when they feel some unknown emotional injury brought on by any attempt to hold them accountable it’s reflected back like “it’s not easy to talk to you so I failed to say I was doing….xyz and/or someone new.” They cause severe emotional trauma that’s not dissimilar to narcissistic abuse takes so much to heal from.
or a sexual joke instead of silence
@@Kyticka1991 I now use my gut. If it doesn’t feel good I’m gone. It’s not my responsibility to figure out why someone else is hurtful just to detach myself from pain. I wouldn’t walk on a splinter until it’s embedded in my foot I’m gonna stop to to remove it.
Exactly this. I wpuld pour my heart out , they come v
Back with : " hey ' as if nothing was said
Omg yes
5 months out of a relationship with DA, I feel I’m clean. Like out of drug addiction. Now listening to Thais video feels so much work to do just on our side. When you are out of this intermittent pattern with DA, you see clearly that DAs are not going to meet you in the middle. It’s always you pouring all your love and energy to just get a little in return. Is this the kind of life you want for the rest of your life?
brooke light, I hear you
any sane person says - run....
Omg drug addiction is what I compared it to omg… oh but drugs (from what I heard)) are so delicious - ugh 😣 it’s so hard to give up 😭 but it’s too painful to sustain - let us pray -
@@Madi4321 THIS. is spot on!!!
@@Madi4321 Yeah this is very accurate! Your subconscious mind keeps trying to bring you back because there is no other source of the drug hahaha
I admire that Thais has such a compassionate focus towards the DA. She comes from years of experience and expertise so she is equipped to handle DAs. Unfortunately, that is not the case for most of us. We see this AFTER the damage is done, it can help us understand why we felt so neglected, abused, and unvalued. But in my personal opinion, this game is too hurtful to participate in. If you are reading this and you're trying to fix them, just don't. It's just not worth the pain.
❤ 🫂💯
Don’t get bogged down with what they are, all you need to know is abuse is abuse.
Lots of people were abused and choose not to perpetuate it on others.
Don’t be a martyr and think it’s love.
we all have attachment styles developed in childhood. .. its not 'wrong'. Its just ways we learnt to survive, we didnt all get modeled healthy behavour. I love the way Thais never judges. And her resources are a gold mine...its helped me so much understand someone I really care about. And also understand and heal myself. And the communication tips she shares really work. Been like a mini miracle for me!
@CarlyAkara It's nice seeing something positive on here. These videos have been so helpful.
I truly hope many, many DAs decide to heal themselves. But I will never- EVER- get in a relationship with a DA again- and their total lack of empathy is one of the chief reasons. I understand these behaviors come from unhealed attachment trauma, but on the receiving end they feel like abuse. The stonewalling in particular is emotional blackmail- whether it's conscious or not- because the message is "If you're going to make me feel things I don't like, I'm leaving the relationship until you stop." Sooo, nope. Had pass. May they all process their stuff and not hurt anyone else with it. I'll appreciate the growth from an extremely healthy distance.
Nightmare for sure, my ex DA is now in a relationship with a married man.
Perfect for her, no responsibility and selfish. Nothing to lose and she can control it.
Good riddance
I would subscribe under every word here
Stop being condescendent
@@ristovirtanen9128 LOL spoken like a true DA, in whose world everything is a personal attack.
@@howtosober lol. You see DAs everywhere. Get a chill pill, lady.
This is why I finally left my DA ex and then blocked his number after multiple attempts he came back and acted like nothing happened and minimized the situation. There is a fine line between lack of self awareness and emotional immaturity and selfishness.
Same for me. After 7 years I just gave up
THIS!
It seems closer to a narcissist's behavior than a DA's one... Good for you!
@@mariebella26 Yes! Although when we were “together” he didn’t seem selfish and wouldn’t initially seem like a narcissistic person, the “come & go” behavior and dismissive attitude towards my feelings screamed that he was selfish. Thank you for the supportive words.
@ Myriam ben salem I mean not really, my dismissive ex did the same thing. Dismissive’s definitely give off a narcissistic aroma, but when it comes to pain and suffering you’re going through they don’t really see it very well. And when they do come back, it’s typically in the least vulnerable way possible.
I still don't understand how my DA ex said he loves me and then treated me like shit.
They don’t know what it really means to love. The love language from my da is blaming and shaming. But anyway that’s life it’s not fair just full of life lessons. Some are way harder than others. I just wished I would have known.
It’s funny. I told my da ex, after being told all the things I did wrong, that she treats me like shit when I did nothing but give her the world.
Of course she denied it, never accepted that she did anything wrong, and accused me of shift blaming.
Exactly. It felt very good in the begining, in a long run. It wasn't worth it.
This was a really good video. I am dealing with this right now with my DA wife. It’s hard when you love someone so much, and you know these things are happening and trying to be supportive, patient and work with them, but they’re either so stubborn or afraid to work with you on it. So instead, they try to hide it, push away those feelings of vulnerability because they don’t know how to deal with it, even though you are trying to show them. DAs aren’t bad people, even though they can sure seem like it sometimes. In many ways they are the most broken attachment style, and need a bit more grace and understanding than others. It can be a struggle, and it can be disheartening to deal with this because you know deep down, all they want is to be loved, but subconsciously, they’re doing everything they can to alienate and push away the one person they should be letting in. My advice, if you can’t handle the stress, because it’s going to be stressful, you need to walk away. I’ve told my therapist I feel like I am uniquely qualified to be my wife’s husband, and I believe it. But that doesn’t make it any easier. You just have to ask yourself if you’re strong enough to help them work on themselves, while not dismissing yourself or your feelings. I am an FA leaning anxious but have worked hard to becoming secure and I’d say I’m about half way there. Don’t forget about yourself, be patient, understanding, and above all else, learn to be alone, and learn to love yourself. You’re no good to anyone, especially a DA if you’re always stressed out and worried. I am a firm believer than nothing just happens, and that if people can walk away from you, let them walk. Trust God, and the process. Thais, I think you for all your videos, you’ve taught me a lot and myself and my wife, and encouraged me to focus on attachment theory as I finish up my clinical counseling masters. God bless you and all you do 😊
I am trying my best. I felt a lot of what you said. You encourage them to communicate in a healthy way and they say "you are trying to change them." No one is perfect but the partner of an avoidant will take all the blame and they don't seem to care. I'm sad and I felt your post. I'm going to have to decide soon if I can keep doing this.
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too am FA leaning anxious. I thought my husband was DA, but am leaning more toward he is FA leaning Avoidant. He isn’t completely unwilling to work on himself. Though, these DA videos really give me a ton of insight into his words, actions, and behaviors.
I, too believe if I do my work to become secure, and give him enough grace and space, he can/maybe will do the work, too. So far, as I am working to make our relationship healthier from my side, I see him try to respond in kind. I have decided so long as I see him trying to work with me, I’m all in. If I feel like he completely stops and refuses to budge, I may get to consider a different decision.
Good luck, and prayers for us both, as we work this journey that isn’t easy or painless, in my opinion.
I’ve been married to a DA husband for 31 years. I’m a born again Christian so is he, and I’m also a FA. Both of us had childhood trauma that created these disorders. It’s hell at times to be ignored, dismissed, treated like I’m a piece of furniture and stonewalled when trying to connect. However, as a Christian I made a choice 30 years ago, I’m committed. So did he. I also started my healing journey several years ago, and I’m much more at peace and have joy as I have been set free, if you will, from dysfunctional mindsets in myself due to a Narcissistic mother, and being an adopted child. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, as I was in a prison in my own mind and heart due to childhood trauma. My husband is trying to heal, but for DAs they struggle with self awareness and accountability and humility, and empathy, so he is in his own way a lot still. We can’t control people, force them to heal to make us feel better, that’s our job for ourselves. I know I’m very rare in my decision to stay, and judged harshly at times, but I still love him, and I made a commitment and that’s my conviction. He’s an awesome provider, and a good dad to our grown sons. We’re grandparents now and that has brought joy too. Understanding our individual disorders due to trauma, has helped tremendously in continuing in my choices for my family. I love this channel and what is has taught me. Thankful.
@@karinteeples9715 Thank you for sharing your story. I, too want to see this relationship through “‘til death do us part”. It is hard when I’m being ignored, dismissed, stonewalled, and treated like a piece of furniture (as you said ☺️).
It’s also hard when others don’t understand why I choose to stay. I, too understand that we both experienced different traumas growing up and we are results of our upbringings and modeling from our caregivers. We can break the cycle, if we choose to, and keep working at it.
@@lucytownsend1176
Awesome insight! I pray you can move forward in 💯healing that you deserve so much!
Be better to be in a relationship with someone that naturally meets your needs instead of psychoanaylizing your partner thinking if you figure out why they do what they do you can somehow change your reaction to your needs not being met. Or worse, think you can fix them
No one naturally meets someone else's needs. We don't even naturally meet our own needs.
@@Heyu7her3
That’s really the truth. We’re taught early on how to interact wIth others and in relationships. If there is abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc we adopt these coping disorders to protect ourselves. Becoming adults, these coping patterns hurt us and others and have to be deprogrammed if you will, to be functional in a healthy relationship. It’s hard work,
Scary so many
Stay in unlovable interactions with you woolen.
Wow. Thanks for this!
@@Moonie787 you have to choose a secure person in that case. An insecure person won’t be the full package. …
But Mike. … that’s an avoidant strategy. You can’t expect someone to mind read your needs. And sometimes your needs won’t be met, and that’s ok too. It’s not up to someone else to just “meet your needs”. It’s a mutual process, you have to be able to meet their needs too, and if you can’t or won’t, then it’s up to you ti understand your insecurities. It’s not psychoanalysis, it’s just normal, healthy communication.
I’m tired of hearing about WHY I need to know WHAT exactly to do. This is so frustrating I literally have no idea how to formulate my words to have him hear me
There is no way to formulate your words for him to hear them. It requires empathy and interest in another’s emotions.
These are all characteristics of emotional-abuse and DA or not, it’s soul-crushing to be on the receiving end. Psychologists can coin it as an attachment error however, they’ll never truly know what it’s like to actually go through it (maybe some do), especially if the person on the receiving end has CPTSD and other disorders. One of the worst aspects of dealing with a DA is their inability of self-awareness and accountability - they’re always right and if they’re not right, you’re still wrong. The emotional burden will always fall on the other person. I’ve grown up adapting to emotional dysregulation and it’s not a healthy coping-skill by any means but I often wonder if it’s because I’ve experienced dismissive-attitudes towards me.
Yes it is. Your caregivers started that ball rolling. I had a critical and short-fused mother. I tried so hard to please her but I was never good enough. She bulldozed over my feelings or ignored me completely. Fast forward to my last marriage. I ended up with a covert Narc. I had serious PTSD and took 3 years off after the divorce to date again. Enter the DA. Fun. Exciting. Boxes ticked until cracks appeared. A little over a month in sex stopped. Then the devaluation began. Started with jokes going too far, then nitpicking, then criticism, then slights, then demeaning. All this peppered with an undercurrent of frustration and moodiness. I began to walk on eggshells and have anxiety. My PTSD symptoms triggered. She’s my ex as of last week but it hurts like hell and I’d take her back if she’d accept a shred of responsibility and agree to work on things.
So the DA does something really hurtful to SA or AA, but the onus is on the recipient to make sure they phrase expressing this positively so the DA doesn’t feel hurt. You’re right, this js exactly what my ex DA expected and verbalised himself - heaven forbid you tell them they hurt you, you’ve got to put that aside to tiptoe round their fragile egos in the hope they might possibly, potentially be able to have empathy for someone other than themselves.
Its really traumatizing for their partners,really shattering our self esteem
With self help, I avoid and run from DAs like the plague. I feel they are lead ins into psychopaths. I'm glad Thais found a DA that's not like tht.
Well, maybe the person was a narcissist. It's completely different, even if some of the seemingly lack of empathy might make you wonder what they are. But I think the main thing is narcissists blame you all the time and do not take any accountability, while DA, if you try to be diplomatic, may admit some of the things. Take though my words with a grain of salt.
@@idlybye5002 But ironically, pain-inducing or not, the DA will only accept this arrangement. You must agree to sacrifice your needs in order to "stay close" to them. They won't last with a boundary-setting person, although they just might respect them more.
The question I asked my DA: why can't you be told that your actions hurt people? I also said that her behavior was toxic in relational dynamics. She ended it all and put all the blame on me. I keep asking why can't they hear or know they hurt people?
Took a year break from one I thought was narcissistic after six years together, and now (mostly because we have a child) trying again, and he may just be a DA. But what I've found interesting is watching shows together, any female reaction he's "Oh, she's pissed." I communicate that no, she's jealous, no she's frustrated... It's like he has no emotional bandwidth other than okay and angry. No wonder he always thought I was angry.
Yes! DAs view every reaction as an attack or very negative or rejection. They’re always on guard for that attack. It’s sad.
Wow! "Oh, she's' pissed" Exactly. No range for the subtleties of emotion. How about, "Oh, she's vulnerable". The V word is not in their vocabulary.
The DA i knew used to claim i was angry whenever i tried to explain im hurt or sad due to something he said/did. I tried explaining that i feel hurt/sadness rather than anger many times. But he always claimed i was angry, it’s like he wanted to believe it to paint me as “the problem” and not to deal with the guilt of treating me badly.
Hard work. Extremely hard work. That's what DAs are... Carefully consider that.
You are describing every aspects of my DA ex. After a very cold and distant attitude for several months, he stonewalled me for 2 months then left me in the most horrible way (insults about my career, appearance, spirituality, name it) then he completely disappeared for 3 months. After that he wrote to me saying he wanted to chill again, like if nothing happened. The level of rage I felt was immense. I had to block him everywhere. Don't ever waste your time with a broken person who doesn't want to change or you'll screw yourself up. I had a secure attachment style and now I feel it's way more fragile. If you want to help someone who doesn't care there's a HUGE cost to that. I learned my lesson. Btw I am super happy today and I'm in a very healthy relationship, life goes on (:
Is he not a narcissist (insults?) Anyway, happy you moved on and that you are secure.
Happy that you found a secure partner and you're in a healthy relationship. It gives the rest of us hope. 😊
Yep my attachment style was more avoidant or secure (I tried being more open to love after reading books on ASs). after dealing with a hardcore DA - ive never been so anxious and insecurely attached in my life! Two years after the heartbreak I can’t put the pieces of my heart back together, unfortunately the way i was treated & the way it confirmed the previous experiences & wounds is just too much. My self esteem is lowest its been (except when i was going through period of domestic abuse & violence as a kid and was suicidal). I won’t ever connect with a hopeful heart and intact self esteem - the traits i acquired after therapy and reading too many rosy coloured psychology books.
"I'm not responsible for your emotions." EXACTLY what my ex DA said to me on numerous occasions, even when breaking up with me.
So, DAs are basically not emotionally available and couldn't care less how you feel. I'm sorry to say, but they shouldn't be in relationships. I'm sure there are many, many people out there who've had stunted emotional upbringing and yet choose to work on themselves or consciously not treat others with the same emotional neglect. We are all responsible for how we treat other people and if you know you are not in the right state of being to openly care about someone else, then do the right thing and don't get involved with them.
Amen and amen. It's actually quite sickening how they are coddled. Their behavior is nothing short of emotionally abusive, but they still want to be treated well when they do not treat others well. They are hard work. Unbearable.
They do care, they simply don't want to be _responsible_.
See it als caring about the misery in the world, but wanting to be held responsible for it(unless you had a part in it).
Would you have it any other way? Then how, and why?
@@rey_nemaattori no they don't care and those are facts!
They would gladly agree with this most of the time. This is why they create situationships and feel much more comfortable in a situation ship. That way they can always say, "We aren't in a relationship, stop expecting me to be your partner." If you meet someone who seems to have a lot of mirky relationships, with strange boundaries, that have intimacy without responsibility etc, then run. It's not going to change with you. It may just be their preferred method of getting their needs met.
well said!
In my experience, recently, if you are anxious and fall into the anxious avoidant trap…consider walking away. If you want to be friends or have the person in your life, then take some time and consider what that will be like. Also, you can’t be in a relationship or even have people in your life just because you like them. Many times you may find that it’s limerence and not real love.
The biggest problem I have with my DA ex is that I fundamentally do not understand her and she does not understand herself. I've known her for 10 years and just discovered a month ago that she's DA. It is so monumentally painful realizing I'll never reach her, I never stood a chance. Her "mother" took everything from her and an intact family from me. The sadness is overwhelming.
Attachment styles don't have to be permanent, so there's hope. People can heal, but they have to want to. But if they don't want to heal, there's nothing you can really do to persuade them.
But by your never really knowing her doesn't that also suggest that you were in love with a fantasy or projection of a person? If you don't know a person maybe it wasn't real love for "them" making it somewhat easier to let the mirage fade.
Agreed. I grew up with my DA ex … was friends with him in high school, dated briefly after high school, re-united with him 14 years later, began dating again, and could never ever get through and change the unhealthy dynamic of him shutting me out every time a conversation was uncomfortable for him. We should’ve gained understanding, he should’ve felt more secure, instead, the closer we got, the more he pushed me away; all five behaviors and then some.
I tried for 18 years. It never got better. I was foolish for thinking that things would be better the second time we dated. As the saying goes, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Sometimes love is not enough.
@@JL-xt2io It's the ignorance that got me. I didn't know my job was to uncover the parts of her she will never see. I didn't understand the impact of childhood. I didn't know that a person could be emotionally retarded for their entire life.
@@johnnycassell4338just leave her. A relationship with a DA is basically being abused..
The more I watch these videos the more I feel like these people are really exhausting. Like damn.
It’s like repelling magnets. No matter how you approach them, what angle you come at them with, no,matter how slow or fast, they repel, just like opposing magnets. Nothing really works, and it won’t unless they heal themselves properly.
Totally and you can feel it in your body
Totally
they are PERFECT for situationships...to have hot fun with....NOTHING MORE!!!
Top Comment! Could’ve said it any better👏👏👏
Hot fun with someone that doesn't want closeness?😅
My DA was dead against that - my DA said she wanted a relationship and didn't sleep around.
Stonewalling and blame are avoidant. They absolutely ruin any relationship. All the time. 100%. If you ever blame anyone about anything then you are the problem. Responsibility cannot be avoided. We are all responsible for ourselves and how we respond to our own feelings. And blame is avoidant and stonewalling is a toxic response no matter what. If you want to ruin a good relationship, stonewall, nit-pick, blame, falsely accuse, fly off the handle and blame. Done deal. You’ve ruined a relationship and created a self fulfilling prophecy.
Umm, no. Some people are definitely to blame for their actions and to be assertive means to hold them accountable.
Stonewalling? Different story, although I don't think brief time apart to assess your emotions is a bad thing.
@@robertdeskoski9783 assertive is the opposite of stonewalling. Holding someone accountable for their actions is an internal process. As is holding ourselves accountable for our own actions.
Accountability and responsibility are not blame. … I’m curious as to why you say “ummmm no”?
@@MellowBellow1: No, again. Holding someone accountable is an active, external process, involving communication, actively disclosing how the other peopler hurt you, requesting an apology and to know how the other person's actions will change in the future not cause further hurt. etc.
Internalising that would make it a passive process.
I was saying there's nothing wrong with blaming someone else for something, especially when they did said thing with zero remorse. Same with the concept of 'shame'. There's no blanket 'shame is always bad' statement that makes sense. Shame can be very useful, and can often be an indicator to us that our own actions haven't served us well.
@@robertdeskoski9783 blame is NOT holding yourself accountable Robert. Blame is the opposite of accountability.
You can communicate all you like, but you cannot MAKE someone take responsibility if they will not. You simply cannot. No one can.
Which is why the boundary is INTERNAL. It’s not passive either. It’s clarity and active because you cease attempting to force action from another. ( which is controlling behaviour if you do not have your boundaries sorted. ).
People intrinsically do what they do. People naturally apologise if they know they’ve done something wrong. No one needs to extort or wring an apology from a healthy person. You can accept an apology or not. Or move on and forgive or not, you can notice the apology with gratitude or not.
Blame makes you not introspect and take responsibility. Blame is a defence mechanism and removes all possibility for insight.
Responsibility is yours, whether you take it or not. It is your responsibility NOT to blame others. It is your responsibility to realise your own responsibility versus someone else’s responsibility.
Shame creates blame and controlling behaviours. Shane prevents someone from saying sorry and taking accountability when they have done something wrong. Shame makes us believe the world is “bad”. Shame prevents the possibility of a mistake being a beautiful learning opportunity. Shame hides all mistakes and stunts learning and growth.
And yes, there is such a thing as a type of blanket shame. It’s deeply inhibiting and creates a rigid narrow world.
All feelings are useful as a guide to our inner experiences. All feelings belong to us, and not all feelings require action towards another. Mindful awareness of our own physical sensations of feelings ( such as sweaty palms or hot head etc ) keep us aware that the sensations pass. Shame can disconnect us from ourselves. Shame can make us feel afraid of negative emotions and create depression; so we can’t “feel” anything.
It’s well worth digging deeply into feelings and conceits of responsibility. It’s not worth blaming anyone for anything.
If someone goes something hurtful with zero remorse. … we don’t blame them. They are responsible for their actions. We simply know that. We realise this person has no remorse ( possibly not expressed ) and we learn from that. We can step away from the relationship once we know they are a sociopath. ( no remorse presentation ….). Again, you can’t MAKE someone else express or feel remorse if they can’t feel it. And if you demand that someone do something for you, such as EXPRESS remorse rather than FEEL it, then you may not get what you want.
But why would you want remorse to be expressed to you? Would you not rather understand the person is NOT expressing remorse and know that fact about them? Would you not rather know someone for who they actually are, rather than what you want them to be?
I would rather know someone is a psychopath with no remorse than keep demanding an apology from them. 😁😉
@@MellowBellow1: No, the boundary is external because it exists outside of you and you have to actively express it to the person you're with.
And, no, if they choose not to engGwy, you can't make them. That's when you might walk away from that relationship, being so unheard when communication should be happening.
If you’re doing all these things and the DA isn’t responding with acknowledgment or change and continues to treat you as annoying it really takes it’s toll fast.
Getting a DA to admit their part of any inter-relational challenge is like winning i the lottery, and the chances of it happening feels equally insignificant. Expect to be the one apologising, no matter what happened.
I thought so but when I took responsibility for my part he immediately apologised so I don't think that's true, I think they just need to feel safe first, or they get defensive. It's tricky though, I am still trying to understand my friends who are like this.
If you apologize and they act entitled, then is narcissistic traits you are dealing with. But I believe there is no confusion whatsover, because DA avoid conflict, while narcissist do not, sometimes they actually create it or seek it in order to get attention.
When I was with my DA ex, I'd have to write down what I would say beforehand and plan carefully when I'd have to have a tough conversation with him. And even during the conversation, I'd have to explain thoroughly why his actions were hurting me because he would spin it on me and I'd end up apologizing. Felt like I was doing a report and had to cite my sources. It's draining and they're just not consistent, even when you approach them with kindness
They always prefer self-humiliation (because deep down, it's humiliating for them).
Towards the end of my relationship, a friend of mine passed. He and I were on the phone and I was emotional and he was talking about how good his breakfast was. Never felt that small before.
I just had a similar thing happen...My brother is dying and he was doing light & airy talking, but he does ask about my brother, and he is calling everyday...I know he's trying, so I hang on to that...
My mom died. . . . He promised he would be at the funeral. Booked the ticket, never came. Stonewall me the whole time. . . Then came up with a lie as to why he didn’t come. . . . Avoid me so we could break up smh
I put My dog of 17 years to sleep and he didn’t even ask if I’m ok. He went to work and acted like nothing - he and I have been living together for 19 years- I needed him to comfort me. I was alone through all my hard times. I felt like a burden and he treated me like I was crazy
I'm so sorry this happened to you! I recall telling mine that I was depressed (partly due to the relationship issues) and they kept talking about the club and what they'd wear. It just crushed me and I ended up breaking down.
I'm married to a DA and I have experienced all patterns of evasive behaviour when it comes to conflict. They expect us to sugarcoat everything that we communicate to them but also be okay with avoidant behaviour and not take it personally coz they have had a traumatic childhood.
Yes! And so much seems to be about the AA becoming secure and showing up right, so you can have a hope of being heard by someone who thinks they’ve got nothing they need to work on.
Aren't you tired? Why are you settling? Do you realize what a rich, vibrant, satisfied life you'd have with a healthy individual?
Usually traumatic childhoods result in FAs. DAs usually remember their childhood being good.
A lot of assumptions about the degree of awareness on the DA's part. I've found that more often than not, they're self-righteous and don't see how their beliefs are skewed and relationship-damning. They don't catch their reactions and go, "wow this is selfish of me. Or damn, she's hurting, maybe I'm supposed to step in here even though I don't want to." You'll feel like basic needs won't get met without a lot of fighting over terrain. You have to ask yourself whether any supposed love is worth all that. I'll feel exhausted right away now when I notice someone is DA. I take that moment with them and I can extrapolate to thousands more and realize that it's not worth my investment. I wish people understood that their attachment style is really making and breaking them.
its mind blindness. They cant see others perspectives or motives. so they assume the worst just to protect themselves.
My DA, everytime I try to talk about my feelings or needs, tells me I'm attacking him and that now we're back at square one because he has to distance himself from the attack. No how matter how gently I say anything. He has also told me this is just the way he is and he's not going to change.
R-U-N
He’s letting you know that your well-being is nothing to him, give up thd dance.
Run, yes while you still have the strength…
Same experience
It is scary how identical our experiences with DA's are. Their behaviour and actions are incredibly text book, yet they fail to identify it in themselves. I read and watch article after article on how to understand them and change things, meanwhile he plays video games to distract himself from the situation. I need to accept I'm wasting my time as it's only one side doing all the work.
@@baumbaumkuchen i’ve read “Attached” by Levine&Heller, was shocked they quoted word for word a DA i used to know (or rather, had the misfortune). Not just a few phrases. All phrases they listed in a sort of low key “test” for attachment styles were the phrases he used on me often.
I didn’t take the book Attched seriously the first time i read it, before meeting him. I wish i had reread the book while knowing him, i would have known without a doubt to run away, that he’ll just play games with my heart.
A godsend for me today, Thais!! It boggles the mind how sketchy DAs get when confronted, even in the most positive way. Total inability to meet halfway and accept ANY shred of responsibility. Your comment about their mindset being that everyone is responsible for their own emotions is spot on.!
My question: when does this type of DA behavior cross the line into narcissism? My guess is when they start scapegoating and gossiping to others, triangulating, etc., in order to project all the responsibility onto the one who has challenged them. What say you!
DA’s often don’t fit the criteria for narcissists. They often don’t demonstrate grandiose behavior, gaslighting or other traits that narcissists exhibit. They act in self defense, in order to protect themselves, not to control and manipulate as narcissists do.
No responsibility and no accountability EVER. everyone else around them always has to do the work and walk on eggshells. Frustrating, hurtful and honestly infuriating
DA aren't the type to scapegoat and triangulate information - that insinuates a type of vulnerability they wouldn't even feign for their own self-interest. DA tend to have a strong moral code. I don't get people's obsession with pinning narcissism onto DA's. If anything, it would be the AP and FA running to their friends, colleagues and family to slander the DA.
This vid by Teal Swan is addressing this same pattern and is very helpful th-cam.com/video/X0NymArWf74/w-d-xo.html
I think too, they are not DAs but Narcs because of lovebombing narcs do at the beginning of relationships. DAs don’t do that. They’re pretty cold right away.
I just had this happen to me with a pretty hard DA I started seeing recently (I started my journey about 50% secure with most of the rest AP, a little FA but have come a long way). We may continue a casual thing but I was incredibly proud of myself for recognizing it, not overreacting even though I was incredibly surprised at how fast they could go from being cold and not understanding to "Hey let's go to bed!", And deciding that while I will always be nice, I'm not leaning into this any further and maintaining my boundaries.
Looking at the above I feel the need to say something: Don't get overly involved just because somebody is really attractive 😂
Is very overwhelming in long term especially if a DA doesn’t admit they have to work on their part. And most of them doesn’t see nothing wrong with themselves.
So So Good! This hit the nail on the head! I am a DA and my poor husband has had to put up with so much for 30 years! It took a LOT to get me to understand and once I realized, through these videos Thais puts together, it's made all the difference! We are both a work in progress! He has such a good heart and has hung in there.
I wish you both the best. It warms my heart to see that you and your husband have been together for so long and even after all that time, you are both willing to improve things with one another!
@@SangheiliSpecOp Thank you so much!
It hasn't been easy. For either of us! But the good defiantly outweighs the bad and now I feel like we are more on the same page.
I kept wondering why my husband was always mad at me and over the years it just kept building up! He got very bitter and I was at a loss! Watching the videos, it's like the blinders came off and I could see what his frustration was coming from!
We both want to be the old couple holding hands and loving on each other until the end. We've both put each other through a LOT! We both could have become bitter and went our separate ways.
I've seen many couples marriages end for various reasons (of which we don't know the whole story). I looked at the outcome of these couples and none of them seemed to get to a better place in life.
It was so hard to see my own faults and acknowledge them! One thing that helped was seeing that we are not alone and that there are reasons we act the way we do and to have grace for each other.
I am so thankful for my grounding in my faith and for these videos too!
If you don’t mind me asking, what did you (or your husband) did that helped you understand you were a DA, and start doing the work? My husband is a FA leaning dismissive, and I’m a AP. We’ve been together for 12 years, and
I’m really trying to hang in there; however I haven’t found a way to help him understand😔
Read this is hopeful, but you realised so started to do the work. Many people doesn't even see it is a problem and is so painful for the other part, doesn't matter how much understanding you are, it hurts.
This is a really great video and it has really good hearted intentions but it’s just really impossible to communicate effectively with a DA or come in peace. It’s against the very core things that they hold dear and that’s themselves and their feelings. There is no regard to your feelings, not even a second thought. Being and a relationship with a DA was one of the most painful and heart wrenching experiences I’ve ever had the displeasure of having. It felt like no matter what I said it was always coming from a place of attack or even better-there was no conversation and he just ignored.
I can think of no more inhuman response to "I felt hurt when..." than to want to shrug it off or worse, play the victim or blame you. DAs need to realise their behaviour is essentially abusive.
@@brendadagnall755 oh for sure, I truly did love my DA ex but if they truly are greedy. It’s all about them and always will be. It’s really unfortunate when someone you love is a DA but by the time you figure that out your likely too far in… I’m sorry :(
@@brendadagnall755 "I felt hurt when..." was met with, "Oh god, can we talk about this later, not when I'm going to work?" Or, "Please don't, I don't have the time for this right now." Or, "Can you talk to your therapist about your feelings? I'm too stressed to have this conversation." Or, "What am I supposed to do about YOUR feelings? They're yours!" Or, "What about my feelings? Have you thought about how I'm feeling right now?" Or, "Why do you keep getting yourself hurt when I'm just minding my own business?" Or, "Stop obsessing about the relationship and find a way to comfort yourself."
Then I'd turn around to leave and it would be, "Where are you going? Don't go. I just don't know what to do with your feelings. Please don't go. But I can't talk about this right now."
Yeah, no thanks. I won't go back into another dynamic like this. So painful and crazy-making.
@@omgcarsonnn 💯
@@dr.jenniferma3914 oh my...I so feel you, wow, these phrases. ...😬😵😨🎯🎯🎯🙌😵💔
The timing of this video is unreal! Just brought up some ongoing issues with my DA last night that we really need to resolve, as they are hurtful and creating a great deal of pain for me. Sadly, I recognized every DA reaction mentioned in this video. His usual reaction is stonewalling, but I got all of the mentioned reactions last night. I will show him this video and see if Thais mentioning how painful it is for the partner will click with him. Me explaining that to him does not seem to register. Sadly, after many years the needle has not moved. Truthfully, I'm running out of patience and compassion for him and his DA ways, as my needs are not being met on multiple levels. I am willing to try a couple more things to see if things change. If not, I need to leave to preserve my mental health. Dealing with this behavior is extremely draining and disheartening!
You can't show him the video, He will run and jump into one of his DA holes. These folks are completely broken and only good for something casual. If you want a long term healthy relationship you just need to run the other direction from all DAs.
If you show him the video & he is receptive to it that's wonderful, but as someone who's been with a DA for a few years & at one point tried to tell him he was a DA, he did NOT appreciate it. Since then I've realized that telling him about his own emotions, basically ascribing things onto him, is detrimental to him, especially because he just doesn't view himself that way, just like your DA does not & cannot view themselves or their behavior the way that we do. If they're willing to be accountable that's another story! There's always hope for that but I would try some other approaches as opposed to showing him this video. Maybe take Thais' free attachment styles quiz together & then if he comes up DA be like, "there's some really thought-provoking content about attachment styles on TH-cam! Let's check out a few videos, love." My DA seems to be a BIT more accommodating if I approach him with "seeking questions" vs telling him "what it is," if that makes sense. Either way I pray the best for you!
@@daisylavenderlove When I tried to mirror my DA (now former...) of her attitudes, she totally blocked me, didn't want to analyze together...
@@marcd2743 I feel you! I see you! I witness you!
@@tkcobaugh Thank you. You must know the deal yourself now too. This wisdom came to both of us through a trial of torture and rebirth.
Yes this is exactly how it went down a little over a week ago when i broke up with him. He stood me up. I was hurt. He got defensive. Deflected. Didnt take accountability. That was the third time he ditched me after making plans with me. And yes, blaming me
Good timing again. I have a DA who went out of contact after sharing my difficult share about the 4 deaths I encountered this year. He wants me to "buck up" and get back to work/normal. When I specified I was in despair....then crickets. Frankly, I hope he permanently goes away.
I'm sorry...May you find peace❣
What kind of deaths? Four is a lot… I’m sorry
@@sala320 yeah sounds like a lot, and feels like a lot. Two dogs have passed this year (in April and two days ago) and I lost a close cousin at only 55 years old and my sister in law at 55 years old. Plus, my cat is diagnosed with cancer. I know it's not the end of the world, but there are moments I get lost and this person just sees me as self-pitying. Not sure why I want to attract this type, for sure.
@@kingskand sometimes the world ends..
👋 bye😅 get rid of this piece of crap.
True love is being able to step out of yourself and feel what othes are going through.
Run away far away!!!
Please do a video on differences between a dismissive avoidant and a person with narcissist personality disorder
I've noticed it's difficult to acknowledge in others what I have not seen within myself.
thanks again Ms. Gibson
So glad you mentioned it not always being purposeful. When I first heard about this from my DA they said, “when someone does XYZ it causes me to shut down. I don’t know why I do it and I can’t help it. I’m broken.” This made me really sad and is honestly what got me looking into all this. Thankfully I have a much better understanding of what is going on and we have both made tremendous progress. Patience and understanding are key
YES, thank you. I'm a DA and it's been eye opening learning about it. I don't think those who are not DA understand how frustrating it can be to not be able to get out of you what you are feeling inside!
@@ucriverrockrealty you’re welcome. I think a huge problem is so many people, like myself at one time , have no idea about this stuff. I had never heard the term DA until I found this channel
@@ucriverrockrealtyplease go fix yourself, it's unfair that you want everyone to cater to you.
@siyafaith5615 wow. I was being open and vulnerable in my comment. When you have feelings inside and you don't know how to get them out, that is not asking anyone to cater to you... maybe be nice in your comments and advice 🤔
@@ucriverrockrealty don’t pay any attention to people like that
I'm not sharing JACK with my da ex. It's pointless reaching out to someone who sees every attempt to help as vicious criticism and responds by attacking and invalidating.
I'm not a human punching bag. Not anymore.
Sounds like.. being with a DA will end up making you a DA yourself. 😅 I'm in inconsistent talking terms with a DA right now. Thank God, I found these videos.
Now I understand...I think it's easier for me to let him go. I wouldn't want to, but my own attachment style and love needs won't allow this.
I feel sad for him to be honest. I know he deserves love and care as a human being....I love him so much but I guess, I can only love and support him from the distance he's keeping me at.
I appreciate these videos. I think my wife is a DA, as much of these are pointedly descriptive. What I struggle with is having practically zero communication, like maybe half a dozen words a week. We tried an excellent counsellor who saw what was going on, but my wife called her a quack because she didn’t agree with her and tell me that I was wrong. It’s been over 25 years and verbal and physical abuse and public humiliation, and in the past few years it’s been a bare existence under the same roof and she refuses to even talk about anything. I don’t know how much more I can live with. Thankfully I found these videos recently and it’s helped me realize it’s not all my fault. Please keep posting these.
Get out of that relationship!! No type of abuse is justified. Get out and start healing. You dont deserve that
This is abuse and she may be narcissist, the way you describe it. Check narcissism out and see if it rings any bells.
@@romanitza24 Even sociopathic, and aggressive. No excuses, he needs to get out.
Communicate your needs in the positive as opposed to criticism. Very good point :)
Ah, dang. When I saw the title in the second person, I was happy. Finally a video addressing DAs directly rather than talking to the other attachment styles about DAs. It can be interesting but it is definitely a strange feeling to be talked about in front of yourself openly, just eavesdropping, especially when all the top comments are negative.
I'm sorry for the negative comments. I wish more people understood that DAs are deeply wounded people with a different set of coping strategies. It makes me sad this attachment style is often misunderstood.
@@savingsarah9456 They are abusive. It doesn't matter why. We all have our own traumas but we don't inflict our pain onto others. Especially those who want and care to help. They are abusive.
They are not only abusive but they have devious ways of ensuring they get to keep being abusive. At the end of the day it's twisted stuff.
@@savingsarah9456 Serial killers are wounded and have a "different" set of coping strategies too. Doesn't make what they do to others excusable... Extreme example, but...
After months with a DA I threw the towel in. So glad I did. Wish I could wash the feelings away.
Good lord, this is a lot of work!
Right?? All of this insight at first made me determined to fight for a way back into her life (she’s a truly exceptional woman and I do actually love her) but omg, the workload-reality is settling in, and I almost feel like I could walk away and just be at peace!! ….and SHE told me at the start she had “done the work”… and I didn’t even know what she meant, so I just took her word for it. She did NOT do any DA work. She must be in denial, unaware, unconfronted, or something…
With all 5 different behaviors to not acknowledge your pain, how can someone still have the love to continue this relationship? It is even unhealthy to advise someone to continue to work with DA. Let alone DA don’t want work with you in the beginning
Love is a crazy thing man; personally it was my first relationship, we had been friends first then got frisky then a patch of nothing before we dated. A lot of history and following the lead of a da bc you’ve never had a relationship and he had a long one? I also think my parents have kinda of a push pull dynamic but she doesn’t really pull so much anymore? Kinda just loves him the way he needs (from a distance). I also believe I started leaning AP after a particularly difficult situation we went through (too personal but I’m honestly surprised we got through it in retrospect. Kind of a knife in the heart bc for a DA to get through it and not run, I KNOW how much he loved me). It’s really really hard. And honestly he’d talk all the time about how we should communicate and that he wanted to grow. It took the pattern starting and repeating a bunch and some friend drama, for us to finally reach a point where he ended it. And the ironic part? We didn’t even really ever fight. It was more like the lack of fighting is what it was, or the avoidance of fighting (even over silly little things). I also didn’t know about attachment styles then. Too little too late I guess.
This makes so much sense, straight to my heart, I’m going to start to process my heartbreak differently, wow. I thought it was me who wasn’t thick skinned enough…. Not at all, I’m walking away. thx ya’ll.
Yeah, so my boyfriend moved two states away! TODAY!
I have encouraged him to do what he thinks is best for him. Then goes cold on me because I cried and told him how much I will miss him. So cold the last two weeks! I’m crushed!
Thank you so much Thais, this is so helpful to understand. It really helps me let go of some of my anger at my DA ex. Things had been really hard for a long time and it culminated in my doing suicidal ideation. I called him for help and he put down the phone and kept driving to a 3 day festival leaving me home alone. I felt so worthless in his eyes. As a highly empathetic person I still don’t fully understand how anyone could do this to someone they’ve committed to spending a lifetime with but this video takes me a step closer to one day finding true forgiveness and release. Oof. Human-ing is hard sometimes!
Nailed it again!! I am currently dealing with this, with my DA boyfriend. I brought up our one year anniversary and Thanksgiving coming up. And making plans regarding our anniversary and making plans for me to finally meet his family and for him to meet mine. He completely avoided the conversation, which made me, an AP, feel ignored. He then tried changing the subject by sending me something on social media. When I tried to share that it may not have been his intentions, but I felt ignored. He avoided that as well. I’ve learned a lot about attachment styles (specifically DA&AP), and I try to use positive action language to communicate my needs as well, but I’m not sure how to do that regarding this situation which I know may trigger him…mind you, I gently mentioned this to him about four months ago so he could mentally prepare. The needle is moving, I’m very happy with him and I’m not going anywhere but the subject of meeting family is one we’re struggling with.
I broke up with my DA after 3.5 years because he has met everyone in my family and most friends and I have yet to meet one person in his life! I don’t know if he doesn’t see a future with me or that’s part of his DA stuff but it’s a non negotiable for me to feel comfortable.
Have you asked what worries him about meeting them? Like that you will love him less?
Wow I never met their family and they never had any interest in meeting mine.
I had to breakup with my DA for being careless with my feelings. I reached out to try and fix things and he iced me out no contact for 30 days. I feel this silent treatment is abuse when I’m trying to make a Mende. It’s draining I wish he would fight for me versus run.
I’m an anxious attachment and have been with a secure partner and a DA. The DA is like so much wounded than anyone else. It’s like caring for a handicapped partner.
Loved the point about self-compassion!! and yes the point about "you never" statements is apt too!
So much constant value from your channel 😭👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🙏🏻 thank you
thanks for your thoughtful comment :)
I think my partner is DA and not FA, she always sweeps Everything under the rug. 💩 Is so large there is no rug anymore. It's a giant Mount Everest of 💩 with a tiny flag on top. 😭
What I'm discovering, in searching your videos for ones I can send to a DA, is that your content (whilst phenomenal, thank you) is too emotionally articulate for someone who is in (as many DA's I believe) a state of arrested development. It would be amazing to have a video pitched at the developmental age of a teenager please 🙂
How do you know if a DA is not acknowledging your pain because of their attachment style vs. simply not caring about you?
I have just finished my relationship with my SO who is quite clearly a DA. He has anxiety too and he has always been hot and cold with me but I have always found I felt like he was hiding me from someone. Turns out I was right as I found a very deep emotional message to his ex wife at Christmas. When confronted and called out for this as disrespectful he instantly played the victim and turned on me for snooping in his private messages.
I had already broached the subject a few times previously but he always denied any feelings for he. Now he has sent me a message very angry saying he told me that he had love and affection for his ex as he felt guilty for hurting her but that was 22 years ago and it seems to me it is him that is still trying to connect to her as she doesn't even acknowledge his words.
I feel so let down and disappointed and he has blocked me now but I don't feel I should be the one to fix this. It is really sad he is otherwise lovely but he pushes me away all the time and I feel it is a lost cause.
Hard to repair it when they stonewall and block you
And if you get broken up with by one they get real mean and hateful if you try to chase and get them back just run and don’t even be friends with them and DONT ever have kids with one ever run!
I am learning so much through your channel since my DA broke us up a month back. Although we did the on and off again pattern numerous times, I knew this was different. He's out with his best friend all the time, who I have a friendly rapport with When I see them hanging out, I saddle up to both of them over a cocktail but talk more with the buddy, though between us 3, Convo is strictly topical. Everything you say is true: DA ex deep 6'd the relationship in a fit of frustration in 3 minutes, throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Not sure how he feels about his buddy and I becoming comfortably friendly.
An great enhancement would be a recap list of things that you speak about at the end. For example 6 deactivating techniques: then list them.
To be with an Avoidant is like having a relationship with a ken-doll with no batteries, they turn into a wall.
4:16 Yep, he got defensive, therefore never got resolution of issue.
I have very deep questions about the ethics surrounding the whole avoidant attachment style. I know, as a fearful avoidant, that the anxious attachment in me, makes me extra motivated to villanise people who wrong me, but when I evaluate the facts, it seems like most DAs are literally just bad people. I dont see the logic behind the "they dont have healthy emotional modelling" as an argument against them being assholes, since ethics arent measured through explanations or justifications, they are measured through the actions only, according to context of the present situation, regardless of how said actions have been conditioned onto us. Although i know that every single insecure attachment style has significant abusive tendencies, what sets the DA apart from the other insecure attachment styles, in terms of ethics, is the fact they live their "I'm good, you're bad" world view on a consicous level. While anxious attachments prepetuate their codependent fantasies in a very subconsciously, self serving, manipulative manner, because of our "I'm Bad" world view, we literally don't have the capacity to own the arrogance to live this reality on a conscious level, like a DA does throughout their lives, like they are literally better than everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I also know DAs usually have really poor self-esteem, and that this deflecting mechanism they have to put all wrongs in a situation into the other person, happens subconsciously because it has always been adaptive for their independant life styles to work this way. However, it will never sit right with me to hear arguments like the ones in this video, which are very apologetic towards the ethical implications of their actions. Someone who literally decides on a conscious level to stonewall/neglect the other person when they are hurting over THEIR actions is someone who I simply cannot view as decent. Ethics are inherently subjective as they literally mean nothing but boundaries within a certain society, expressed as it's members see fit. Even through this lens, I cannot see any way in which it's ok for DAs to do the things they do, or even to have such an arrogant world view, as they consciously live a life of perpetual self serving behaviours that are completely neglecting of other people's experience, while feeling no empathy in the process. Shitty origins dont, and will never, morally justify bad behaviour, at best, they explain it.
Needless to say every insecure attachment style is unethical, abusive, egocentric, self serving, etc.. But the fact they live this reality in the surface of their awareness, creates a whole level of fucked up, i cant excuse.
I know DAs that are decent people. Most are not. I feel empathy towards WHY they became that way, yet they are just arrogant and selfish as it gets, because they know they are those things, and they dont care, while the assumption that everyone is suposed to be that way is literally invalid, because the world shows them wrong over and over again, and they choose to not see it because it's not adaptive for them, or for the lives they built.
The basis for a reliable code of ethics is intention. It's beyond uneffective to control a society's member behaviour through the punishing of things they cant control, while expecting their actions to change. Bad/misguided intentions (again, !conscious! literally bad intentions) is what should be and IS what is punished, because it's literally wrong, in the sense that it isn't adaptive at all for the whole of society, except for DAs, and other consciously self-serving personalities like narcissists and psychopaths, who are very quick to neglect any amount of empathy they may have.
I don't hate DAs or anything of this sort, in fact, I think DAs have very decent qualities about them, and it is very saddening that while they were shaping their personalities and attachment patterns around traumatic situations (most of the time, as kids, who mostly can't even tell right from wrong, or even an appropriate definition for ethics), it became adaptive for them to completely dismiss other people, as if that is ok. But what they intentionally manifest, as a mature DA, is unethical nonetheless, and especially them, for this reason, there is a very big social responsability component in the healing of their attachment style, and denial towards this subject is purely unacceptable, easy or hard.
I want to finish this tiny essay with a disclosure that, again, as a fearful avoidant, I can see how much more unethical my actions can be, simply because of my attachment system, especially the avoidant one, even if I don't do these things intentionally, like DAs will most often do.
yes, amen and thank you for this spot on observation comment! you really nailed it 💯💯💯 Too sad too many offline and online therapists (and co) won't agree with this ethical view, because in today's society narcissism and other sick tendencies have been pushed massively and society groomed to accommodate those whims of emotionally and mentally immature /twisted people.
Why is it that after finally receiving a more vulnerable and positive talk with a DA, they either pull away or dump you?
They just say "I was joking" BS, and they don't take responsibility for their actions. They are SO annoying to deal with and not worth it really at the end of the day
This is a great video, it highlights points that can occur with someone that is fa leaning da too. Thais can you do a video of fa/da so people can understand the difference. Thank you for your share ! Lots of love ❤️
These are really great videos, and it really helps me cope with why my wife did and said certain things towards the end of our relationship. I've been working with a therapist for several years now and she's helped me see that I might have contributed to the problem, but I was in no way entirely at fault, nor should I carry that guilt with me. I wish I could get the woman I fell in love with to sit down and watch your videos with open eyes. But I have to acknowledge that she's gone now, and start moving on myself. Thank you for helping!
I was totally down to be patient with my DA ex until it became obvious that 1) she has absolutely no desire to work through it, but rather expects others to be okay with it, and 2) she's a narcissist who lacks self-awareness and empathy. I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't want to show up for me the way I show up for her.
My narcissistic DA ex was the same, I spent years trying to get through and finally gave up. Never again.
@@deanc99 amen! Same.
All insecure attachments have narcissistic tendecies, not just DA’s. Compassion, over expecting someone to meet your needs that simply cannot, it tells more about us rather than them
Well said. My sentiments exactly
A DA’s foundation is deep-shame; these unconscious beliefs about themselves and the world were modeled by their caregivers. Their caregivers dismissed and invalidated their very humanity and their very right to express themselves authentically without judgement, aka shame. In early childhood, DA’s need for emotional and physical validation weren’t supported and because of this, passes on these early-development beliefs onto others, replicating what their caregivers didn’t give them; emotional security. So it makes sense that anyone who desires a deep-connection with a DA is often met with indifference, coldness, selfishness and little to no empathy. I identify as an anxious attachment/fearful avoidant because in my early years, the same dynamic played-out and I became codependent yet fearful of attachment because I was too scared that a person would leave me. At times I displayed avoidant-behaviors and it’s not because I couldn’t validate a partner, it was because I was too afraid that eventually my partner would leave me. I became extremely needy and often overbearing. Living in fear is not healthy. I recognized that my desperate-behaviors were a turn off to my ex-DA and he too had emotional baggage he wasn’t ready to bring to the surface and most likely never will. It’s very difficult to get through to a DA. They often project an air of superiority and their way of operating was the only way. It was very hard to get him to acknowledge different perspectives and most importantly, his own avoidant-behaviors. My perceptions and feelings were always wrong and every issue we had in our relationship was down to me and my mental-illness and not him and his inability to be vulnerable. This kind of manipulation makes you believe that you can’t trust your judgements and intuition. I don’t believe he was aware that he was even doing this but the damage is still the same. 😢
@@SangheiliSpecOp the entjs most , with Da style bulldoze over emotions. No point for an Infj or infp to stay with a DA
I am so sorry you went through this. DAs love to label everyone else as having mental health issues. It's very common...and essentially it's just another tactic to avoid responsibility.
What an insightful post. It truly captures the struggles perfectly. Vulnerability is seen as a weakness so when you come to a DA with vulnerability it is threatening. When you come to a DA with a hurt that they cause you ( in my case, demeaning me) you are accused of attacking them. My DA would flip things around and react with hostility and further put downs. This was when I tried so hard to be diplomatic and thought carefully about what I was going to say. When I reacted less diplomatically out of sheer frustration I was labeled as having wild mood swings. I couldn’t win. I was never good enough. I felt like an idiot most of the time. Funny because my company sure pays me a fine salary and I managed to graduate from two universities with a BA and a Doctorate.
My DA is now my ex as of last week. I’d want the relationship back if I thought she could have a breakthrough with even 10% empathy and started to control her temper and frustration level. Guess I’m not that smart after all.
Thais, great video! Wondering if you would consider a video on how to introduce a DA to attachment theory without triggering them.. I've struggled to communicate this to my DA, who has no idea he's a DA. Thanks for the consideration
Ditto!
She has already addressed this elsewhere in another video but I can’t remember which one. You may want to check out the DA playlist.
My da ex started to have empathy for me and to apologize for his mistakes after months from the break up when he went through a hard period and he realized what he has lost because now is alone.
@Flagirl1985 you are right, I told him I will give him another chance only if he goes to therapy,he said no..so I said goodbye.
@@ArielAriel-rg8ng good job!!! 👏🏼 If they are unwilling to seek therapy, there is absolutely nothing for you in that relationship other than pain and heartbreak.
I'm was FA as a child. DA after narcissistic marriage, post divorce. Now working towards a healthy Attachment style. Good video
If only I had had someone like you to turn to at the time ,to get your opinion on what it was I was dealing with, because they said they cared but then ultimately walked away coldly in the end ,so it felt completely intentional, like I was possibly dealing with an emotional issues person or a person who for whatever reasons gets off on hurting people, but I guess I'll never know now. To come off like this incredibly beautiful person/ possible new friend in life to nothing is so baffling to me.
This described my husband and twenty year marriage. Every last bit of it. The one question I have is, my husband doesn't acknowledge that there is any possibility that his parents did anything wrong with him during childhood, and he doesn't acknowledge that he has any of these challenges as an adult either. It's so clear from the outside but how can I help him to see how it's affecting our relationship?
You can't, he's gone. DAs are notoriously unaware of themselves and their behaviors. The moment they are confronted with anything, they run.
@@marcd2743 I don't believe it's Fair to lump all da's in the same category, not at all: pessimistic view which probably comes from having had a bad experience with, most likely, a narc. There are many factors involved which determine to what degree someone could
be dismissive and each individual could react differently to trauma. Some da's are highly empathic.
He has to help himself. You can bring the horse to the water but you can’t make it drink. Is this marriage fulfilling for you? Do you feel happy and loved? Is he emotionally available? I would focus on your codependent traits about why you stay and put up with this.
Turns out I'm securely Attached 😂.. in relationships with friends and family, but slightly lean anxious in "unhealthy relationships "
Thais, do you have any suggestions for how to respond when you calmly and respectfully approach someone to discuss your feelings/needs and are met with dismissiveness on the other end? I often hear the statements you mentioned from DA’s and feel like there is just no way to reason with someone who is unwilling to see a different perspective or recognize their own unhealthy patterns. As secure as you get, I realized it’s super important for the other person to be doing the work too.
At the end of the day relationships marriages can be Heaven and hell. And the hell is the place where you’re pushed into growing or you die. I’m thankful for the hard lessons in some way makes me understand more about me and others but I truly wish for peace. And miss it for so long. It seems to me true peace it’s impossible with DA especially when they are spiced with some narcissistic patterns. I wish you all to find the growth in you you’re looking for but inner peace as well🙌🏻
Loved this video, however ngl some of the advice you gave toward the end (very solid advice btw, this isn't criticism) seems like it would take A LOT of patience to be able to try and execute. The reason I know to say that is because I've literally had to do it in real life, and it was extremely difficult especially considering the other party is a fully grown adult (even older than I am!) I think what tends to get left out when dealing with DA's or even people you feel have DA traits is that it can be exhausting.
What I’ve noticed is that anytime I seem to get through to him and he’d meet my emotional needs and expectations…at some point it’s like I almost get punished for it because afterwards when I’m okay he begins to retreat a little…. It’s obvious that’s he trying really hard and me almost forcing him to communicate with me and understand my feelings freaks him out a little.
Or he's just recuperating from having gone far out of his comfort zone to accommodate your emotional needs?
@Tolu, he needs to retreat just like you need the communication and connection.
It's about comprising so both your needs get met.
He needs to do this to feel better.
You could communicate with him and find out roughly how long he needs to do this so you are not in a painful limbo but DA need space just like AA need closeness
i feel like i'm FA with a DA and your videos have been nothing but insightful to me. thank you for providing these tool for personal growth ♥
I love EVERY single video of yours!! This has been the game changer for me in understanding my relationship. I have learned sooo much. I have been so hurt previously and always assumed the DA behavior was a different label. I now can begin to heal and work towards resolution.
So spot on. Very helpful explanation. (Side note, your make up looks flawless 👌)
Thanks Arielle :)
These are all so precise. It gives me so much empathy and helps me, a recovering anxious, take it less personally. Thank you.
I just discovered attachment Styles yesterday while trying to figure out who I am I learned that I am anxious avoidant and that my husband is a dismissive avoidant. I was thinking that my husband is a narcissist because of all of the traits that he displays but now after finding out about attachment styles I think that he's not a narcissist and just his attachment Style Just is kind of the same traits as a narcissist but it really hurt me to hear that he had been neglected from emotion. We've been married for 28 years and I'm just now discovering this. This gives me really good hope. Thank you so much
Great information in this video. Thank you!
You're very welcome Patricia :)
Another simply superb video. I've experienced every single one of these traits. Thank you Thais for these amazing inights.
Thaïs could you consider putting the membership plug at start or end and be transparent. Many of us watch these daily breakthrough infomercials but it’s so cringe as soon as the line “btw…” or “I forgot to mention…” no, it’s impossible for you to forget because it’s in *every* infomercial you put out. It’s great you produce these and it’s clear “there’s no free lunch” but as a former FA yourself, I’m sure you’re well aware of how FAs respond to non transparency. Thanks
Hmm, this is a good point. I personally would also like if the membership plug was at the beginning or end. The transition to it is very smooth, and a lot of youtubers also have smooth non transparent segways that go to sponsorships and the sort, but personally I always find that doing that can make someone feel cheated or taken advantage of if they realize they are suddenly watching/hearing a plug or an ad for something. The courses are very important for sure, and attachment theory is a life changing subject, but I would love for them to be more transparent and visible when its happening. I of course don't want to sound rude, I mean this in the best way possible, so if you read this Thias, I just want to say I offer it as constructive criticism and thank you for the good videos :)
Really? Why is everything seen through attachment lens? It's a business.
I loved how you plugged the “mercial” part in this video! It’s interesting in terms of the FA construct of FA’s having trouble communicating their needs and how this is an area where maybe your FA side comes out in that often your need for members (which is completely reasonable and understandable as this is your career) comes out in a furtive “oh and” or “btw” or “also if you…” rather than just mentioning the school and for viewers to consider joining.
I know what you mean, and also like it about her (fellow FA here) :) it makes her human and relatable. Although as I think about it, I also wonder if she really needs to advertise it so much. Her TH-cam content already speaks for itself so much that I feel like the "pull" approach to marketing would be at least as effective as the "push" approach. On the other hand, I also like that she makes the effort to do this fearless direct communication of "hey, here are my courses, and they are awesome, and you should take them." (Which is absolutely the case, PDS is life-changing.) It just makes me feel like we still get to witness a glimpse of Thais' own personal growth, which is so inspiring. (I'm an FA with an anxious side, so Thais is totally on my pedestal hahaha.)
I walked out on my ex DA. I was tired of the mood shifts , silence, being falsely accused, inconsistent communication, false promises, always wanting space and everything always being on his terms.
Adios 👋
WOW Thank you this was so good I'm an AP trying to reconnect with my DA. Explains so many of or interactions
I'm TRYING to date her and possibly take the relationship further!!! We go out on dates very seldom cuz she's very busy. She really does work A LOT!! Only 1 day off a week. I DON'T think she's seeing other guys.
But she NEVER texts me!! All the initiative and enthusiasm comes from ME!! Soooo.... when she doesn't text me back for MANY MANY MANY days I JUST FIGURE SHE HAS DROPPED ME!!!
Then when she FINALLY texts me back she acts like nothing happened and everything's fine. VERY FRUSTRATING!!
I talked to her about it and it SEEMED LIKE she understood and would be more responsive. I want to GET TO KNOW HER MORE and her to get to know ME more too!! I want things to progress. But when she doesn't respond for soooooo many days, I keep thinking "it's over" and she has DUMPED me!!!
This sounds very frustrating. :( it appears she is not available based on all of the signals she’s giving you nor would she be able to meet your needs in a relationship.
Have you considered pivoting to other available & secure women?
@@anon_ya hahahaha... "other available + secure women"
I'm seeing her again (finally!!) on Tuesday night. It's gonna be romantic but I'm also gonna have a discussion with her.
@@johngallagher4280 break up
Walk away before it’s too late. DA are workaholics. Nothing will change, only may get worse. I speak from experience
I really like this new flow for your videos. Feels like I am getting more out of them now.
5:35 I once tried explaining that relationships are supposed to be symbiotic to my ex. They’re supposed to be mutually beneficial, like good bacteria in the gut. My ex didn't seem to grasp what I meant & implied I was a parasite for wanting a give-and-take dynamic. LOL
Thank you so.much, this was really an eye-opener for me. You are helping me so much, ty, ty, ty 🙏
It is imposs to deal with this. So hard.
As a DA, yes, this "ask in the positive" is much easier to deal with, emotionally. Since DAs (apparently? According to stuff I have read??) value the ability to help, a framing like "It would help me a lot if you could XYZABC" is likely to be received well, especially if followed up with something like "is there anything I can do to help you too?" Even if the answer from the DA is some flavor of "I'm good, but thanks" (because, really, DAs always 'are good') it's helpful to regularly volunteer your own help in return or in appreciation. Because one day the DA might have something they understand that they do actually need help with, and having the repetition of that offer already established makes it way easier for the DA to start the conversation about having their own needs. (Or at least it is for me. I assume it is for other DAs. I wouldn't know, I don't talk with other DAs about feelings. I mean, of course I don't.)
Thanks much for this video. All your videos about DA stuff, really.
Haha, thank you for this valuable insight! I really appreciate you sharing!
Are DAs really always good? I mean they say it but i kinda can't believe it. They will probably lie, when they are not okay and still say they're ok?
@@kw9801 it really depends on the person. My DA partner tends to keep things close and will just say "I'm fine" or everything "is fine" when I ask stuff, its rare that he will elaborate. As an anxious type that can type a whole essay effortlessly, I do wish for a bit more elaboration but I know its hard for him or even seen as unnecessary. Theres been a handful of times in our relationship where someone bothers him or he has a bad day and its really bad, and thats when he really seeks me out for comfort and confides in me, he tells me everything thats wrong and how he feels and I always comfort him when hes feeling that way. But like I said, it depends really. Since learning about DA's and generally how they may see things, I don't push his buttons or pry too much if I can tell he doesn't want to talk about something, I find that doing that can make him feel at ease and he will tell me things naturally. Being assertive and pushy may make them withdraw. I'm just another anxious type lol but I thought I would chime in :)
Edit: whoops I seemed to have type another essay unintentionally
@@kw9801 We understand that "are you good?" is not a question of our actual state, but an offer of help, so the question is actually "Do you want help?" And the answer "I'm good" is "I do not want/need help." Which isn't surprising for a DA, right? Don't want to bother anyone else with problems that aren't theirs to worry about; whatever problem I'm having is my problem, so I should deal with it myself if I can. And I have cultivated a high level of skill in many different areas because I value being able to do things (because I *absolutely* cannot rely on others), so I really should be able to deal with it myself. Asking for help is admitting defeat, acknowledging a vulnerability, and that is unconscionable to the DA mind.
It's not that "I'm good" is a lie. Just that saying anything else goes against everything the DA has learned about social survival.
@@Kaisharga thank you for your reply 🙏