Will The Dismissive Avoidant Come Back After No Contact? | Dismissive Avoidant Relationship
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Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship
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In this video, we discuss why the dismissive avoidant sometimes will come back after no contact. We'll explore how they react to no contact and the situations that make them want to reach out again.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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Worst experience in my life- dating a DA. It was soul crushing. And heartbreaking because we could have been a great couple. If only.
They are the worst people to date
😢true
No. You could have not. They are avoidant. They are sick. Good riddance
@@tbcgbvcb yes, you're right. Nothing could ever be different with them.
The same thing happened to me. It was great except they got scared and did no contact. Every time it would get worse as our relationship got more serious.
Please save yourselves from engaging in relationships with anyone who has dismissive avoidant traits. Love yourself more. Choose yourself. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel alone. It’s better to be alone than to long for someone who cannot and will not reciprocate your affections in a way that makes you feel valued. Please just leave these kinds of people alone.
THIS THIS THISSS
too many people think they are fixers and i cant say anything because then id be a negative nancy or bummer or too dark or no help at all or judgy lmfao. most people suck. both the avoidant and the ones who chase them they suck the energy out of you if you care too much.
Absolutely 💯. Facts.
Thank you for this!
The problem with DA is that they blame you for it and don't take responsibility for their actions.
AP's and FA's do a lot of blaming without accountability too. I'm a FA btw. Lol
@@LeeChrissy 💯
as all the insecure styles might, I would imagine... AFAIK, self-awareness is the first step towards the healing process, but my guess is that any insecurely attached person might be aware it's them who have the problem and not try to put the blame on their partner - and yet still be powerless to do anything about whatever's driving them. Healing attachment is a demanding process and it takes time and skill
@LeeChrissy I'm an ap and I seem to blame myself for everything
This is soooo true, they dance around and look for reasons to not work, even when there has been progress. DA are like those birds that stick their head in the ground to disappear.
😅 my experience with a dismissive avoidant was so incredibly illuminating in terms of who I am. She showed me so much in such a rapid fashion. She was the best and worst of who I am. Feeding my ego, pulling away in such a sudden and childish way, creating a monster out of me in such an undeserving but stereotypical way. And I am dynamic enough to have suffered so massively,but surge into a new form of myself, I've changed. I am better through the pain, and now I can go back to respecting her and loving her without ever wanting her to come back, though she may. I need to be stronger better faster.
We are made more powerful in having our weakenesses exposed by dismissive avoidants. Take the power they show you from the weaknesses they have drawn from the darkest part of your soul
Get lit fam
That's a thing i really noticed about my DA...It was often like dealing with an infant.
This literally happened to me.. it opened up my eyes. Even though you care they just will never let you love them
@@jeancarlocardenas1200 🎯
I found myself throughout the DA. When he egnored me, I went internally and found what I egnore about myself. It’s how much you also want to grow. Still it’s a huge challenge because it was or it was pure love or he was like if you’re out of my life or in, it’s all beautiful. Uh?
@@nnthot incredible what we do to ourselves to try to be with the wrong person
I am a healthy happy secure person. Years of my life. Cheating, lies, disappearing, left me in an emotional rock bottom state alone. Letting a DA in, will destroy your life. Run
Honestly I gave it up. The "I don't need anybody" mantra is hardwired in that brain
I'm just discovering I'm a DA....at 51. I finally met a secure man who tried so hard to love me...truly and unconditionally. He taught me about boundaries and safe spaces and being vulnerable. I didn't get it until it was too late. Now I'm working hard to heal myself and getting therapy. I see clearly now and know I can change 🙏
Is it too late to salvage what was lost with him?
Please tell him you’re working on yourself and that you wanna see him again if you really want to. But treat him with respect this time and especially keep communicating when you feel unsure and try to tell him what you need from him
Kudos to you. You would be a great DA support group lead to help transform other DA’s. That you’re working on yourself is awesome & a testament that not all DA’s are as hopeless as people have experienced them to be. Best of luck to you.
If he did those things, it might not be as too late as you think. I care deeply for an avoidant, and I want to see her heal. If she came to me and had an open discussion of what healing she's done, I would be so happy. I wouldn't blindly start the cycle over, but I'd be open to that healing and still love her.
@@flyingfiddler90q Agreed.
One of the most important insecure attachment messages:
Our feelings are telling us something, but not about the thing we THINK it is. Not about the person in front of us. Not the attachment figure. The feelings are telling you something about YOU.
Awesome
That’s very interesting and well said
Naa....Trust your instincts about people....They are usually correct.
@@7Earthsky not in intimacy. Not unless you have a secure attachment style. In intimacy, insecure attachment styles cannot trust their gut. Insecure gut attachment is driven by fear, not love.
If it’s about a stranger. Sure. But not about a lover. ……
No, this is one aspect of feelings, but far from an encompassing full view. They are far more than this. I strongly suggest reading Martha Nussbaum's work on what emotions actually are.
DA's need to be in therapy - point blank. Other attachment types can heal and get slowly better with incremental changes, but extreme Avoidants just create havoc and destroy relationships stringing people along creating more chains of pain, hurt people hurt people. If they have kids, they avoid them too and don't give their kids affection, and dismiss their emotions. They aren't there emotionally for their kids either - perpetuating the cycle of dysfunctional attachment!! Then that kid becomes the same!
If you know you have DA attachment, you should NOT get into a relationship without working on yourself, going to therapy, and healing as well as being UPFRONT with any partners about where you are. DA's love bomb like they are secure early on when there is less to lose, and then months later BOOM, all of a sudden they are nowhere to be found, can't meet a partner's needs, and then run away every time you mention even the calmest thing about it. Then they act like the other partner is asking for too much! It's like Jekkyl & Hyde, they transform! It's an absolute predatory spider web TRAP for Anxious Attachers, and Secure people GTFO and run because they smell the danger! It's toxic and gaslighting! When really, they haven't done the work on themselves and are just recklessly breaking people's worlds apart, breaking hearts, and then going off to sulk about it alone until they come back out and repeat the behavior again.
Avoidants get SO upset because they get such a bad reputation, but it's like YOU KNOW WHY, because none of ya'll are actually healing yourselves! There are SO many walking around not doing anything about it! The divorce pool and dating pool is FULL of Avoidants! They are all over dating websites. The secure people already got snatched up. If you DA's don't want that bad reputation, then be the change you want to see! Heal yourself DA's. Then go talk about how you healed and have better relationships and teach other DA's how to do it too! ‼
As a daughter of a DA this is so true!
And now, the father of my children is DA as I learned attachment theory after the fact.
It's like watching one of my worst nigthmares...I thought I escaped that dynamic, but only unbeknowinly led myself right back in and exposed my children to potentially the same. My saving grace and last straw is that we are in therapy.
Very well said.....Don't try to fix DA....Just do to them what they do best and avoid them.....They need therapy.
Truueee! I have secure attachment style. I'm sorry to all DAs out there but I became secure not because I had the "best" childhood. If anything, I grew up being emotionally neglected as a kid too. But what did I did? I did the inner work. I did so much and I did everything to put myself in this position because I don't want to hurt other people. And having a DA to take that away from me is an insult to all the healing and inner work that I did with my past childhood neglect. Does that make me any better? No it does not but we have to held these DAs accountable for all the pain that they are causing other people. A terrible childhood experience is not an excuse to hurt other people (esp those that are trying to love and understand you). If you know that you have DA tendencies, heal and go to therapy.
I wish i could like this comment a million times. I had no real idea about attachment styles. I know now i have AP. I am currently being ghosted by a DA. The same person who was exceptionally warm, kind and loving... we were together 8 months he said he loved me wanted to marry me. I moved to his town and he started subltly changing, no loger present like before, taking of heaps of extra projects just as i move down. I start to feel like I am crazy and too needy... If i try to talk about how i feel i get "im sorry, i love you, i want to marry you, i have chosen you, i don't mean to be hurtful" but nothing changes, it only feels worse. Then he tells me he needs to dicern priesthood, but wants to be friends, then, he is too busy with work to see me when i come to pick-up my things. I hear (not from him) he has a girlfriend. I ask for closure and he ghosts me. I have never felt so hurt. Dream becomes a nightmare. I keep remembering the good times and get so confused. How can someone be 2 different people?. I wish i had never met a DA.
Sooooo true
This is really great Thais. If a DA is willing to do the work, heal their insecure attachment, they become very healthy to intimately bond with. However, I also find if they are staunchly disagreeable-and accompanied with highly Narcisstic personality traits-it’s best to avoid them.
Yes, YES! So true.
I sent my ex a fairly tame video about avoidant behaviours - and she said ‘stop trying to analyse me - its creepy’ … 😔
@@bch5758 you may have had good intentions but for a person who is not self aware they may take that as a major attack. Noone wants to be told they have issues.
We seek help because the break up hit us hard and we are motivated to get help; the other person made a decision they felt is informed. They feel they don't need help because you were the problem; hence them leaving. Best to focus on yourself.
@@nbee6217 Yes, indeed.. i didn’t send it lightly. It was a very gentle video. I felt I had nothing to lose, I loved her deeply. But you’re right - I have made great progress myself watching and learning about attachment styles and hoped we could sort things out. She just threw 4 years together away.
@@bch5758 This will happen with avoidant attachment styles or avoidant personalities in general. Healing requires accountability. Avoidants cannot take accountability for their emotions, because they’ve been so disconnected from them. So anything dealing with emotions is an attack. Like the other commenter said, it’s best to move on. When you heal you move forward. When you deny your inner world, you stay stagnant in one place. Internally.
The only reason I want any DA coming back around is to give me the epic amends they owe me for how they treated me- especially on their way out. Second chances to these types is just signing on for more of the same after you already depleted yourself doing ALL the work of the relationship the first time. Going 'no contact' was for me to take back all the energy and investment I wasted on the DA and become clear on who they really are instead of chasing the highs of the few times they actually showed up as a partner. And, since I know they will never bother hearing or empathizing with anything I tried to say, it's the loudest statement I could make that they crossed the final line with me.
Same.. so worn out, drained from their self-centredness, lack of empathy, vacant, emotionally unavailable presence.
Your words truly resonated with me. I will read this as a reminder weekly! I hope to get to where your mind is at asap in my journey to heal.
@@ZhengSW I'm glad. Beware the "sunk cost" fallacy, it will make us stick around way longer than we should hoping to eventually get a return on our investment. It's an illusion, don't fall for it. Unless it's a DA that did all of Thais's work in PDS, I suppose... She does say they exist LOL
@@howtosober I really appreciate your advice! Yes, I invested so much of my time and money into her and I feel so used. Near the end of our relationship for the past year or so, she never paid for any of the meals and just expected me to pay. I know I'm supposed to be thankful for those few highs but it's probably better for myself to just stop. Thais is one of the few who has hope in DAs. Other coaches say they can't change because their triggers are criticism and the core wound of being defective. I highly doubt my DA ex will ever work on herself. I remember in our 1st breakup, when I asked her what she is doing to work on herself she told me she didn't know.
relatable. FA. But relatable. I am AP however and we can be a handful too. . .it's a dynamic, always 2 sides. But your comment is spot on.
DA means “they are not that into you” but they want a relationship because what you can offer them.
Or sidr
No contact could work on a DA if they just need a bit of space/time to themselves, so they make up a reason to leave u temporarily. But the problem is that DAs can move on pretty easily, since they don't get emotionally attached to anybody, so another person could easily replace u in their mind.
this is after they have falled in love deeeply and got hurt ..and when we see that.. most of us are terrified to fall in love and dont get emotionally attached too much with people we meet after a bad relationship.. so are all of us DA's ??
Some people are more easily replaced than others.
@@anushkafernando7046my DA had been hurt very badly in a relationship before me and I really think that's what damaged her to the point where she's even told me before she doesn't she remembers what it feels like to really be in love. Hearing her say that broke my heart man and as an AP I'm already one who thinks it's my job to help fix other people and we're going through no contact right now and all I wanna do is fix the negative concepts she holds in her mind about herself that she said I kind of added to.
@@gregmm001 Then they should go and heal and work through their core wounds in therapy. They need therapy, not more dates.
you make us look evil... whats your attachment style?
I consider myself a fearful avoidant. I've experience two DA relationships where they pulled away and instead of being able to wait for them for a month I blocked them and resolved to never let them back. Seemed like to only way to protect myself from a repeat. I just wanted to move on and find the girl who doesn't need to walk all over me to prove to herself that she isn't being controlled and randomly abandon me when ever her fears get the best of her. Thats all just too painfull for me to allow myself to go through more than once.
Do yourself a favor and walk away for your own sanity
I’m about to go no contact because I just can’t keep doing this shut down/out, can’t communicate, unwillingness to accept and work on themselves cycle. I’m a healthy person to be in a relationship and I hate to say this but his coldness eventually drove me to relapse after 6 years of recovery. I guess it triggered the heck outta me. I’m sober now and we are still having the same issues, I have been focusing on myself and becoming a better, more whole, healing person. However, I feel I’m growing apart from him, like he’s still stuck back there in the mud. No matter what I attempt to gently suggest, or show him methods of how I’ve been working on myself…he just calls me crazy and completely shuts me out. This used to bother me, but now, I’m aware of his way of processing and I just go about focusing back on myself. If he is truly happy with the way he functions in the world…so be it. But I no longer allow it trigger me. I come from a place of understanding, which makes this next decision very difficult because I do love him, but I MUST start living for me and stop living for someone else. I do not desire a relationship like the one I have with the unhealed DA. I desire mutual respect, honor, loyalty, healthy communication, healthy conflict, being direct, physical touch, and much more….but not what I am getting from the unhealed DA. It just hurts too much…the constant rejection, neglect, disregard, abandonment, walking on eggshells…it’s not worth my soberiety, I hate to say this, but the juice is not worth the squeeze. 😢
Yes! I'm dealing with the same problem
Move on. You are worth more than that❤
I am in the same page same issues, day 3 of no contact and he just sends messages asking “how you doing” I had surgery 3 weeks ago and he decided to abandon me because I asked for cuddles , didn’t get a visit for 3 weeks!!! And maybe 1 text a day with no reply after I would reply to him, he came to see me 4 days ago and acted loving (very rarely now) 😢even tho I was upset I gave in only for him to not text not even a good night that same day, 😮 I can’t anymore, I need to value me!!! And love me!!! I had enough, he can stay alone with his dumb TV
I find listing the relationship’s (not her’s although there are plenty as there are for me) negatives helps me to maintain NC.
After 7 months of confusion with this girl im seeing, these videos are kind of bringing Me closure. She’s for sure avoidant. Even though we share so many intimate moments, it seems like we are taking the smallest steps possible forward if any at all. That’s what confuses me. I can feel the love between us, but it’s like we pretend it’s not there and we ignore it. I’m tired of ignoring how I feel for her. It makes me insecure and think I’m not good enough, or that she’s really seeing someone else.
Exactly the same for me right now… 7 month in « together » (lol) but just broke up
@@stilpon5378 4 month... crazy shit for sure. i'm still in shock...
Same for me, 10 months together, she did did a slow fade the last month and now she's a ghost..its so damn confusing 😕
She does not have the emotional capacity to hold space for your emotions and needs. She likely doesnt know how to process and understand her own emotions, much less understand yours. If she does and says things that invoke feelings of insecurity in you, that's a red flag. If she can't openly express her thoughts, feelings, if she can't be transparent, honest, and forthcoming about herself, red flag. Her capacity is limited, and you deserve more security than that. Leave the avoidant alone - to be alone and to figure themselves out.
"It makes me insecure and think I’m not good enough, or that she’s really seeing someone else." SO, SO TRUE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matthew Hussey says it best: "You have your reasons, but I have my reality [experience]. And what *I'M* interested in is my reality [experience]." In other words, who gives a f**k about the DA's reasons. It's useful to understand and process what you went through with the DA, but it doesn't excuse the behavior. Being constantly dismissed, invalidated, and used is a reality I don't have time for any longer. DA's can work their stuff out alone or with someone willing to put up with it.
The problem is that the same applies to them. Their experience is that healthy conflict and expression of needs, even vulnerably, is criticism or saying they’re not doing enough. This sentiment can be used to justify deluding oneself as well, but, I suppose we are not all in a olace to acknowledge our issues at the same time while in relationship. So whether real or perceived, our experience truly is our experience 😌.
@@soniaesther0529 your statement "Their experience is that healthy conflict and expression of needs, even vulnerably, is criticism or saying they’re not doing enough" is spot on. That is truly why they are called avoidants. They would rather avoid all that is completely foreign to them. They were programmed from a child to be that way. It's hard wired.
Thank you! Absolutely 💯
DA can make a sane person , in sane . Belive that..
just to talk about my own experience. i was with my DA ex for about a year. we fell in love and got into a relationship very fast. he broke up with me because we were fighting a lot. I couldn't cope with his DA behaviors (I'm anxiously attached). I only texted him twice after the breakup, he wasn't interested in talking about anything. 4 months after the breakup he called me once. 10 months after the breakup he started to try to get in touch again. texting me, calling me. when we made plans to meet he often canceled spontaneously. it lead to nothing. it was disappointing but it's okay. the thing is, he didn't work on himself. he still doesn't know what he wants so this time I broke off contact. it's not worth it.
I can relate. I coaxed him to meet me (after a year of no contact) he agreed, then canceled two hours before our meeting. 😢
DAs seem to just want to exist “where it is safe for them” but as far as relationships are concerned none of their behaviors support being in a relationship. Time makes ZERO difference. Conversations about the situation make ZERO difference. They exist JUST outside the relationship and that is where they plant themselves. They have solidly fixed views on “what’s so” and that cannot be overcome with conversations or demonstrations of commitment. Don’t confuse “a great person” with “a great person to be in a relationship with”.
My conclusion: pursuing DAs is entirely futile and the only thing wasted is YOUR time, energy, and commitment. THEY have been perfectly fine the entire time.
@@RANDassociatesinc this has been my experience.
GREAT guy.
NOT relationship material.
Sad to me but obviously not to him. ❤️🩹
I gave my DA multiple chances.....Should not have given her even one....They never deserve it and giving them chances just delays the self-reflection and therapy they need.
Actually sounds like a fearful avoidant because of the intensity of his reactions,, rather than a dismissive avoidant.
Having gone through a lot of DA drama, and now being mostly over it (it never felt like it would actually happen, but it did!) I have a few longwinded insights and some long term perspectives, considerations and possibilities I'd like to share. First of all, attachment styles are co-created in our relational cultures and dynamics with other people, which can also change shape, form and character in the relationships in which we find ourselves and impact how we choose to actively show up and participate in relationships (as well as pass on ones that aren't working). Thais beautifully examines the evolutionary dynamics of different roles in relationships and it seems the adaptive need for both parts of the partnership to collectively occupy the main areas on a human skill/emotional spectrum can't be emphasized enough. And in some of these partnerships, the person leaving you in a very triggered place without wanting to be held accountable for their behavior or wanting to discuss/address how to improve your dynamic/roles work siphons you off to an increasingly narrow role or mode of operation. Once you get stuck in that role or mode of operation and then also build a self-concept and identity of being stuck there, it's more difficult to move onwards and outwards, to see that things could be different, and that you could be with someone who wants to be reciprocal in the relationship and mutually supportive. You keep on tilling a futile field. It appears that many of the coping strategies for being in a relationship with an uncompromising partner increasingly force and whittle you into the position of being the optimized, agreeable, open and forgiving partner, which is often not healthy. (I think that the practice of investing effort and presence is also therapeutic and significant for those who have encountered serious abandonment) What emotions, practices, mindsets and skills we choose to continually activate and deactivate is important, not just in relationships, but as foundational elements of ourselves. I'm not the first to observe this, but it appears that living in a high-chemistry, emotionally-intense dynamic where there are many triggers present (and maybe the relief of some occasional resolve) seems disadvantageous and harmful unless the partner/social environment is mature, capable and supportive to resolve conflicts and triggers, and you get stuck activating and recreating a similar cycle of roles and not being able to get out of that - it has an addictive quality to it. If people aren't ready to do conflict resolution with you (if you're a grown, mature adult at least) it's probably best to cruise on, grace others more worthy with your presence and leave the uncompromising, unsupportive and uncooperative person/partner to themself. (Find people who show up, are present, supportive and kind, who are ready to meet you and do the work. They actually exist. It might feel boring because these triggers don't abound and catch you off guard like you are used to, but it will get better and new interests will bloom once you're on safer ground
So basically if the other person isn’t willing to put in the work and understand attachment styles etc there isn’t any point staying as things wont improve. Thais does mention this in a lot of her videos but before leaving it’s good to be able to understand that it isn’t your fault and more the DAs trauma. AP and FA can tend to blame themselves for DA issues
Thank you for this encouragement. I do prefer to be in a relationship where I don't have to "cope" with being in the relationship.
Emily, this is one of the best things I have read. Thank you. I had no idea that it was typical for a DA to dip out of the relationship and have no desire to work on it because they think they did nothing wrong. This was a first for me. I am screenshotting this post! Thanks again!
This is SO true..
You are totally describing my feelings! They tell you you need therapy, you're clingy
And I love also that you clarify how to use this information in a way that is healthy for ourselves and the relationship, not just to try to manipulate an outcome that would not likely work out
Glad you like this!
I sometimes feel my ex only started wanting and even respecting me after I went no contact and left for good.
Yep same
But it’s gone t👀 far for me now. I’ve reached my limit.
Expecting the same. 42 years too late!
Please share your story @adrienne x
Yes! They want what they can't have!!
Nah They don't necessarily respect you more since or after you left. It's just that Noone I allowing them to run the same bullshit that they did.
Example: When men say women "aren't like they used to be , it's not even to say that they like how women used to be . They just like how women may have bee. Shamed into staying longer 4 the abuse and manipulation or that accepting the cheating was a norm..
They don't really respect nor long for those women. Most men have figured out that it benefits them more to deal with 3 or 4 women they don't even want and put up bare minimum effort than full effort into women they are attracted to and actually want. And they will punish you for not being who they want.
Thats the thing though, DA's dont like to have indepth intellectual conversations. Theres no talking to these people! Anything that sounds like a "heart to heart" will trigger their coward behavior and theyll go stick their head in the sand again.
If i was about to buy a house with someone and they disappeared for 4-12 weeks, that would be the end of the relationship
You just validated so many people that are on the other end of the DA. Thank you. Ive felt so many things for so long. Im not actually crazy lol.
Please make a video about how to have the conversation after re-emergence. Would be so helpful to have a DA and FA version. The sooner the better! Thanks!
Tell them to go F off. There is no point. Once you've triggered them you are on the merry-go-round and it will never stop, only get worse and more frequent.
DA's do come back after no contact, especially if they do have feelings for you & the relationship was relatively healthy. My DA ex came back after a year, then we was good for a couple months until she got cold and distance herself again. I'm not sure, at this point, if I'm willing to take her back to try again when she reaches out, because we've gone thru this before. Just like Thais said, a conversation would need to be had about what hasn't worked and what would need to be done to make it work - but the DA has to be ready and willing to put in the effort, even know it's going to scare them!
However, you also have to establish to yourself boundaries, mindful of them and know if it's something worth fighting for or letting go. Best wishes to everyone!
A year , this gives me hope. It's been 4 months no contact after 3 years in a relationship. It has been the worst pain to be pushed away. It's like he forgot about me. 💔
@@adoptioncorner1984 curious what he’s going through that caused him to withdraw ?
@@triplethreat9168 I don't know 100% because I feel there were some things he didn't share with me. But I know financially he was having a hard time. But I was always there to support and encourage him. But he couldn't give me the time , that's all I wanted was to simply be in his presence. He didn't like to hug or cuddle. And he warned me how he was but I thought by showing him the loving and supportive person I am it would open him up to change a little bit. 😢💔
best comment yet. It is silly to go back to someone who does not put in the effort. Know your boundaries and stick to them.
@@adoptioncorner1984 yeah finances for anyone is tough for men but also DAs seem to really get frustrated if finances aren’t where they want them to be . If they grew up poor or were neglected , they often seem to be hoarders . So if they don’t feel stable there , they often withdrawal. Mine did for a while as he began to build his new business . When he got to a more steady place he opened up again . Remember his needs may not be what you showed him . Physical touch , affection , connection may not be as important to him as financial stability , career , learning etc . Consider that when your communicating . It’s all about think from their perspective and not your own
Having just gone thru this with a DA, if there is re-emergence my course of action will be to give them a bunch of therapy resources, suggest they look into DA, and send them on their way - it is a suicide mission to take them back and 'try to work it out'
Hahaha oh god! Suicide mission lol
DAs seem to just want to exist “where it is safe for them” but as far as relationships are concerned none of their behaviors support being in a relationship. Time makes ZERO difference. Conversations about the situation make ZERO difference. They exist JUST outside the relationship and that is where they plant themselves. They have solidly fixed views on “what’s so” and that cannot be overcome with conversations or demonstrations of commitment. Don’t confuse “a great person” with “a great person to be in a relationship with”.
My conclusion: pursuing DAs is entirely futile and the only thing wasted is YOUR time, energy, and commitment. THEY have been perfectly fine the entire time. And nothing on this thread or in this video suggests otherwise.
Its heartbreaking to be in love with a DA. When youre on youre great, when youre off, its a 100% one-sided effort. Even if the DA 'tries' what im learning is the level of them trying although it might be significant from thier perspective, in all reality its very minimal and hard to even notice. So, youre stuck in your head wondering if they actually just dont want to be with you but are procrastinating the relationship or if they actually are going to put in some effort.
Its extremely sad and leave you feeling helpless wether your FA, AP, Secure, etc.. given enough time it wears your soul down. I guess we all have to learn our own value and eventually some of us will have to cut ties with someone we loved genuinely, before we completely lose ourselves.
Yes please do make a video about how to deal with DA re-emergence. Also the courses in PDS are awesome! I've become a member and finding the re-programming FA course super super helpful, I've done therapy before which helped massively but really feel like the course is helping own my healing! Thank you so so much for your work.
So happy the course is helping you! THanks for your comment :)
Yes!! This would be helpful!!
Yes please videos on when to approach when the re-a merge . I’ve noticed with my DA you have to keep the high energy and emotion to a minimum , almost like friends , so it doesn’t scare them back into their shell , you also can’t have deep emotional conversations right away , it may take a few weeks or a month before he can handle those conversations.
@@triplethreat9168 I'm in a similar situation, the woman I am interested in is a DA and any kind of shown interest makes her regress back into her "shell", as of now we aren't even talking she's pulled away so far. I honestly don't know what to do other than just walk away permanently.
@@jasonstrickland9245 Jason I’ve been there , it’s all about a dance . Usually if they pull back you pull back and be steady : don’t give big emotions , remain consistent , stable , for now I wouldn’t talk about relationship status . Just communicate as of you know your together and are confident of who you are to her with out adding pressure . Keep it cool , follow there lead and how they communicate with you : of course make sure your doing things you enjoy , keep your self busy . Think of a turtle if you get to close to quick they go in there shell when they think the coast is clear they leak their head out an move , move at their pace . Let them think they are leading : etc . This is general but apply what you can as each relationship dynamic is different . I don’t know much about your story
My da ex has been stonewalling me for 5 months. I'm secure and I never chased and offered understanding and kindness. Last time I extended an olive branch was 2 months ago. It's mind boggling that my ex hates me soooo much because I actually supported his goals. Luckily for him, there are absolutely no consequences for gaslighting and hurting people.....he gets to go about his life and keep doing it.
I feel your pain , mine did the same thing. I showed love and support always . It's heartbreaking.
I’m going through the same thing. Been supportive and understanding and never chasing, just wanting to talk but can’t connect to her. It’s saddening.
The same for me
My DA partner came back after he broke up with me 4 months later. We dated again for almost a year and I just broke it off because he wouldn’t really commit but also not let me go!!! Ugh. I think you totally explained him!
In what ways did he show he didn't want to let u go?
Not sure why an a avoidant will be dating in the first place when they know they can’t Grow to connect. Just a tip for anybody else..push them away...they need a lot of healing and patience. Even I have common sense that the other person needs affection and they are looking for something serious/healthy. All Avoidant people should get help by themselves or be alone. As much it hurts them inside they will learn to Move on. Not that nobody cares.
I agree that an unhealed avoidant does need help, but so do unhealed AP's and FA's.
I am in a no contact separation experience with someone. I am new to this personality classification. I was thinking maybe the person was narcissistic but I came across this information and I think this is more accurate in describing them. This is interesting I am learning so much.
Me too, in same place
I also thought thr same thing. Ibhad thought i was so insightful forever. Ive been humbled in the last year having gone through my own situation. I went through a time where i was correct in that they were shown how to love incorrectly and brought it up and reassured them. I went several times and they just kept back pedaling
If it’s someone you love we have to be gentle, loving, patient and kind with these fragile souls. If the relationship and connection is valuable and of importance the journey will be worth it.
Currently going through exact same situation, may I ask since it’s been 3 months for you since commenting, have you and that person reconnected
in the same situation. My avoidant gf abruptly broke up with me 2 weeks ago. For the first 8-9 days, I tried to communicate with her to figure out why she wanted to break up. I learned that she is an avoidant on day 10, and since then I understood her actions and begin the process of No Contact. However, because she has her belongings at my place, I will have to communicate with her in 2 weeks which is when I am supposed to help her move her belongings back to her place. What should I do to maintain my No Contact? When she reaches out (which she will have to do bc it is her stuff at my place), I plan to briefly inform her that I plan to move everything for her, without her, as in I will just drop off/ move her stuff for her... any advice to maintain my No Contact in such scenario?
- I'm leaving
- good news
- You will never ever find someone like me
- even better news
Absolutely. A video on how to move forward together in the aftermath of No Contact would be great.
This video has come along at the strangest time. Regardless, this was exactly what I had been hoping to come across. I had a friendship which contained some slight intimacy with someone who by all accounts seems to be mostly a DA with possible FA (I know they share certain behaviors and that everything is on a spectrum). That person showed at the beginning that they had past trauma, trust issues, and eventually admitted what I had already thought, which was that they had never truly had a genuine connection with anyone. Well, said person went full no contact out of the blue almost three months ago. I know they are alive and safe, but it pained me to have had no closure. In the end I had to grieve for the loss, and only now after three months do I feel I've done the work to move forward. These videos have reignited my passion for psychology and understanding. Thank you.
Bless you. I feel the same grief and sadness right now. I have been on my own for so long and when someone caught my feeling attention I really felt so ready to fully enjoy and be happy with that. That is when I learned about this DA type. I think i feel most sad for the possibility I felt and that I deserve and didn't get. It's hard! Thank you.
My DA ghosted me 3 months ago too now, its so confusing not having that closure, we had 10 great months together I'm not sure what happened.
How are things for you now, did they ever reach out?
@jerescot I never saw or heard from them again. I did end up keeping and fulfilling a promise I had made to them (which they told me to follow through with, well before they disappeared), which required me to intrude indirectly on their life, but the last I heard, they had left permanently to disappear elsewhere.
I wish nothing but the best for them, but I still to this day struggle completely letting go, as they borrowed something from me before their disappearance, one of the only things of my past I had left. At this point I doubt I'll ever see it again, or her. But I'm blossoming and living. That's all we can do.
I love that you don’t bash the narcissist but rather help us to understand them like I’ve learned I’m a Anxious Attachment..and realized my part in our breakup..
Hold your head up and I wish you all the best on your healing journey
Thanks so much Thais for explaining this dynamic. As usual, you are spot on. I was in a "situationship" with a DA for several years until he suddenly went away one year ago as we were becoming more emotionally intimate. He perplexed me when he popped back up unexpectedly a couple months later and liked a few of my FB posts, as I thought he was gone for good. Shortly thereafter, I got fed up with his "come closer, get back" MO and a tribe we both belonged. So I summarily unfriended him and all of our mutual friends. I have attempted to reach out a couple times since then. He ignores me but curiously has not blocked me. Still ruminating one year later thinking "how could you do that to me? I thought we at least were "friends"".
OMG, this is so similar to my story with a friend I believe is a DA!!
Block him. Permanently. That is how you will find your closure and the start to a successful healing process. Closure comes from within. You already know that's what you have to do. You unfriended him and his mutuals because a part of you knew this was the right thing to do for you. Now you're fighting against yourself. He won't give you closure and he can't; he will return to your life and do more damage before he disappears again. The cycle will continue until you put an end to it.
Same here!!!!
@@ds37215 you’re so right
This was insightful. In my situation, I’m an AP and she is a DA/FA. We’re in this exact situation right now but we’ve been together for 10yrs and aside from having a 5yr old loving boy in common, we also have lots of financial responsibilities shared that at this time isn’t affordable to separate. She’s been in this “funk” for about 1.5 months. She isn’t interested in seeking counseling not even for herself. Ironically she was the one who introduced me to this channel and attachment styles all together. I love her and would like for us to salvage our relationship but I want to be happy at the same time.
She is probably depressed.
I have been in a "funk" for months. It's difficult to get out of it. Especially if she is in her 20s/ 30s. If you can't be patient then maybe you should explain that to her. Pushing her will make it worse.
@@cherylthompson2731 yes I agree with you . When DAs are grieving or depressed they can deeply deactivate and try to self soothe on their own , they still fear vulnerability , so they return to creature of comforts , unfortunately for partners they do withdrawal, it requires great patience and understanding. What helps for me I told him wheat it looked like for me when I grieved in the past , shared some vulnerabilities , stated how I felt , how long it took me to heal and what I did to come out of that low place . He responded with gratitude and appreciation . And felt like he had the space he needed to go through his process . I of course kept myself busy and focused on personal goals , family and friends .
It will require deep patience especially if they are grieving , depressed , working on a career goal , etc . They will have their seasons , mine had his for several months . I know he was hurting , so I gave space while checking on him from time to time , brought down big emotion and just allowed him to process how he needed to. Decide what you can accept , if your able to allow her to go through her funk , think about how long you can endure , focus on your own things , doing this will reassure them you care , but allow the space to heal . They will return appreciative and possibly draw closer because they know you didn’t turn your back on them . But everyone is different you have the assess the relationship for your self
For your situation to work out it has to be her idea, and she would have to have the "interest" in that to happen. So there is nothing you can do, pursuing, begging asking all make it much less likely. What you can do is ghost her for the most part and put most of your time in your work and your hobbies. I'd also being doing social activities outside of her. Talk to some other females, sometimes they find themselves re-interested after others take a liking to you. Then after that "never get caught" by her again, just stay busy. Your probably toast in the situation anyway.
I agree we all need to learn to be happy with ourselves but I think it’s idealistic to not accept most of us would feel out of sorts if our partners started ignoring us. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you!
Just abandon them, they are pieces of shit. You don't have to go through this anymore. Human beings should make each other's lives better and help each other out. If somebody got scared and left you once, you should call it betrayal. They chose themselves over you. They chose their fears. They are weak and worthless. Go and find strong individuals, raised in loving families, having extroverted personalities. Avoid avoidants AT ALL COST
Thanks I will have to remember this comment everyday to move on with my life....coz I so exhausted he literally destroyed me 😢
The exact same (false) thing can be said about anxious /preoccupied and any other attachment styles. The closest people to 'pieces of shit' are judgemental morons who spew such toxic, hateful BS
It’s not fair to say such hurtful things about people . Show some empathy for those people who have not had the same experiences as you . A little bit of compassion goes a long way . They aren’t pieces of shit they are human beings who deserve love and connection just like you . They have work to do on themselves but to vilify them to that extent is not okay .
@@MaryKat2show some empathy to them?? You mean the exact thing they NEVER show toward their partner? Yet we have to give it to them? Makes sense 💀
@@ghostyboi4249 read what I said dumbass they have work to do but have some fucking empathy more often than not they are that way because of trauma . They have some healing to do but don’t say that they don’t deserve love and support because they’re not at the place where they should be.
Yes! Would love a video on if a secure breaks up with a DA and the DA really avoids the conflict of discussion but a surface friendship remains!
In my experience as secure leaning ap with a Da , when he withdrew di to a family loss I allowed him to , I remained steady , reached amount less , just had a sense for when I should or should t reach out , expected less for the season , allowed him to self soothe , made the energy feel friend like . When he returned he was appreciative and grateful and felt more safe Becasue I stood right along side him at a safe distance .
Surface friendship is their MAIN motivation. No emotional commitment. F off!
Can you do a video on how to discuss attachment theory with an avoidant, and how to gently try to discuss what we think is happening, as far as their wounds being actives, versus their being insurmountable relationship issues. ❤
Mine hits the roof if I start to criticize his personality traits
😂 Good luck!
I compromised so much being with a DA for four years, I almost didn’t recognize myself when I left. Haven’t heard one word from him and not expecting to. He had cut his parents out of his life for like 20 years, don’t expect someone who can do that I’ll ever see again. I’m dirt to him.
I see these relationships as a great gift! It is hard to heal alone and da are great teachers...
Wow. I have done this. You explained it so precisely. For me it was about 8 weeks. I realized before this that I respond to my strong feelings about two weeks later. It feels good to understand what is happening to me versus some random anxiety. Thank you for your wisdom
Always welcome Andrea :)
How did you preserve your feelings after 2months of no contact? How could feelings still strong after no any type of connection? I don’t understand how DAs could store feelings and pick them back up ? I’m AP, my feelings are gone after being left high and dry for 2 or 3 months.
@@brookelight2090 It's explained in this video, it's not the feelings increasing it's the fear decreasing that re-exposes the feelings
Thank you for all your content Thais. It has helped me tremendously over the years. I would actually love to see a "re-emergence" video. I had a break up with a DA, some FA characteristics. I think I'm more secure now than anything after a almost a decade now of personal development, or am I cause I'm here. 🤣. She had a very devastating loss in her family. After pulling away for a few weeks and eventually breaking up w/me. On that call. I said "I respect your journey, you know how I feel about you. Don't be afraid to reach out" I hung up and didn't contact her again. Our relationship was healthy, personally, I don't think either of us have had a relationship go so smoothly in the dating phase part of things... we were together around 9 mo. Friends before lovers...for around 5 years. 10/12 weeks later she re emerged, this past weekend, at a concert. Just catching up, hung out two nights, she did make it seem like she wanted to rekindle, but the time we had wasn't alone time, relationship talk type of environment. I didn't feel it was a good time, under the circumstances we broke up...what was the point. Especially knowing she's a DA and ruining a moment. I know she still loves me, didn't need to be said. Either way, after a couple days of hanging, the last night of the show you'd think we never broke up. FF now mid-week, I feel as if she's right back to when we first got together. Responding to texts, but more of a "i don't want to be obligated to responding" type of responses. By no means am I over texting. I'm just very much thrilled she came back and don't want to damage anything, also I don't feel I should be "courting her" at this point. That's my struggle, she dumped me. So I pulled back a bit myself and see where it takes us. I've been sick so I'm just here down a youtube hole. But again thanks for everything Thais.
I feel Thais is making videos exactly for what goes on not only in my life but in my mind 😂🤙🏻
DA reamergence video, defo needed please.🙏🏽 Thank you for all your hard work and dedication Thais. 👏🏾
Approach and avoid, approach and avoid forever. They get comfortable with it
Would be great to have a video about a fearful avoidant coming back after no contact, and how the process should be after. How soon should we have a conversation with them about what needs to be different this time around?
Thank you so much Thais for all the videos and knowledge you are sharing with us! 🙇🙏
Heartbreaking dating a DA . But learned and became more aware . What do they feel when suddenly he sees you after two years of no contact on random occasion??
My BF and I repeat this pattern over and over. I'm a FA leaning anxious and he's a DA, leaning fearful. I'm always the one to leave because I don't feel like a priority to him. He doesn't seem to get it and acts like nothing happened, giving me lots of attention until I "calm down" and then reverts back to his old pattern. We've been together 3 1/2 yrs and still live separately. I'm the one frustrated and he is fine
I couldn’t do it for that long without a proper commitment of some sort. My DA and I have been together 9 months but I feel more recently his pulling away is due to his own issues possibly depression.
Yep, I know that pattern so well. It can be torture.
Why not leave?
@@Pr_20 They always have excuses for why they pull away, but they're telling their therapist something different.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 they go to therapy? The one I knew would not even admit he had a problem.
I had to walk away from this situation and I'm still struggling with the withdrawal even though it happened a week and a half ago. We were at the 3 month point and I was about to ask if this was going anywhere because he needed a lot space in general (throws himself into work, very little free time) but when I tried to pull away just a month ago, he came back and was putting in more effort. He called me a new term of endearment 2 days before I had asked him to see him the following week which was more frequent than usual. He suddenly says that he knows I want something regular/serious but he realized he doesn't and wants to be unattached but he still wants to see me. Who says that they want to remain unattached?! I had 2 psychology and trauma informed friends tell me that he was avoidant throughout the 3 months even before this happened earlier in the week. I told him that I wish I had known this before and that I need time and space. He said he understood and said good morning the next day as though I was going to keep speaking to him. I didn't respond and I miss him a lot. I'm still personalizing it, I've been crying and depressed. I wondered if he just talked to me most days over 3 months, introduced me to some of his friends, reached out when I stopped responding to him a month ago, because he wanted sex but I was never a booty call. We did sleep together a few times but it was a while into dating and it was never booty call meet ups. It would seem like he cared but then he would seem so rigid/distant the longer I knew him. I want him to come back and change his mind but I doubt he will. I'm not sure what to do. The anxiety I felt during sucked but the highs were so good. I just have a hard time accepting that this is his programming and it's not because he doesn't/didn't like me. I wonder if he realizes that he hurt me. I have to use my brain and walk away. He's always go go go so he's probably not even thinking about me.
I am so Sorry to hear about your situation it isn’t easy navigating relationships with Das but can be rewarding when you come from a space of understanding the why they do it . I’d encourage you to look at your situation a little more positively : your da came back and started using new terms of endearment but said don’t want to be attached . Honestly that sounds good to me : DAs don’t want to be attached due to their core wounds but they also seek attachment . They just don’t know how . To keep sounds like your da likes you as you said they got closer to you . To me just seems they don’t know how . He is using words to keep some internal space while showing he seeks connection at the same time . Don’t take it personal !! It’s not you , it’s how they grew up learning how to self soothe. Instead May approach it from a place of understanding, follow his lead , give him the space he needs , keep it light , meet your own needs while they are in their withdrawl zone , reach out but keep big emotions to a minimum and see how they respond . Often they respond to feelings of friendship more safely : it’s interesting how it happens but they do . At the end of the day you will know you and what works for you . I feel there is hope but may require a little more understanding of why and how to navigate his attachment style while not taking it personal
@@triplethreat9168 I appreciate you saying this. I've been so upset. I doubt he will ever reach out again but it's been so tough thinking about whether he even cares/d or whether he knows how much I'm hurting. I wonder why he kept talking to me for 3.25 months if he knew my intentions and why he'd call me sweetie for the first time two days before he said that he suddenly realized he doesn't want regular/serious anything and wants to be unattached. I'm an FA so I've withdrawn into myself completely and just have been so heartbroken. It's so difficult to not take it personally. I've read that DAs feel relief when then end at first so he's probably gone on with his life just fine squeezing in his friends in the little free time that he has. Thank you for your comment 💜
@@brisco546 honey I’m so sorry : it’s my pleasure: honestly DAs usually care deeply just are scared of vulnerability and Therefore find it difficult to express how they feel . Especially when they get close in relationship . No matter what happens don’t take it personal , it’s usually them and not you . Fortunately my Da tells me this when he had his moments so it helps . But even if your da didn’t say this often they are thinking it : they know they fear vulnerability , they know they are hurting loved ones . They get so upset and wish they could do better . But they have to get to that place to work on their core wounds : and triggers . And we have to all it . Trust your intuition and the power of the universes guidance .
Man I’m going through a very similar situation. The part about your DA always being on the go and probably not thinking about you is how I feel after my DA hurts me. Right now I’m doing no contact after we got into an argument about our expectations. Honestly I’m so tired of this person giving me attention and talking about relationship stuff to pretending I don’t exist. It’s so torturous and exhausting and I hate that they have the power to make me feel depressed and bad about myself. I really just want to forget about them and move on. It hasn’t even been a year yet and I’m already so sick of these games they play. Good luck to you tho, and know you’re not alone
It’s definitely a roller coaster of emotions, it’s hard to move on.
This is so true, he wrote me every two months which really destroyed my healing journey.
Very interesting video. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about 10 weeks ago and I have been in NC for most of them. I learned I have anxious attachment issues and I strongly believe she has avoidant traits. I think it's important to remember both exist on a spectrum. For instance, I wasn't jealous or controlling, but I was needy and clingy. But some of the comments are right. NC isn't really meant to be manipulative. You're giving your ex what they asked for. They asked for the breakup and for space from you. To do otherwise would be manipulative. In some ways if you truly love that person you should give them their space because they are telling you that's what they need. It's hard. Believe me, not a day goes by I don't want to contact her. I miss her badly. But I know I can't. But the other thing is don't just sit around and hope your ex will contact you someday. If they do and you are no different, then they're just going to leave again (or soon after once they realize nothing's changed). The one thing you have control over is how you handle your situation. Until my breakup I didn't realize I had anxious issues. Now that I know what my issues are I'm going to therapy and doing some other things to overcome my anxiety and be better in relationships going forward. I'd love that to be with my ex-girlfriend for a number of reasons. Or it will help me in future relationships. But NC has 3 purposes that I see. First, of course, you're showing respect to your ex by giving them the space they asked for. It helps you. It stops you from digging yourself further in the hole by bugging your ex or worse, stalking them. And it gives you time to reflect on the relationship and deal with the issues that you need to deal with. Are there issues you have that you can work on? It's the one thing you have control over. That's useful even if you don't want to get back with your ex (or decide later that you don't want to get back with your ex after all--making improvements to yourself will never hurt).
🙌🏽🙏🏽
My DA soon to be a divorced ex started winding himself up to walk out after a near 30 yr “marriage”. Approx 6-7 months prior to up and running away from home. That’s what his behavior looks like. After a significant amount of research, I can retrospectively see many of the characteristics of a DA. I wish these TH-cam videos discussed or emphasized that maladaptive behavior is a spectrum disorder. I realize the train wreck of a pretend human being, I tortured myself all those yrs only to have him start boning hookers about our daughter’s ages, 18 and 27, the last 6 months or so. We had already planned to divorce as amicably as possible this summer, after our daughter graduated from High School, but that wouldn’t allow him to profoundly sabotage that goal. As a parting gift, in return for his choices around betrayal, I have dug, hammered and bombarded him with shaming and ego crushing messaging. I know he’s reading them, because I track his email. His itemized attorney’s bill from start to current noted all activities being billed for and I could see where he was calling and emailing his attorney about remarks and comments I messaged him. He’s so blind, he can’t even understand why he can’t bring himself to fully block me. Now that the divorce is well underway, I only message when necessary, but I always work a subtle, ego crushing, remark in the message. My remarks sound like a AA but I’m far from it. I’m fully aware of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and what I get out from the cruelty. I spent the first 10 yrs reading and implementing major behavior correcting actions thinking there was some sliver of hope. God I can see how pathetic the entire “marriage” was a complete poop-show from the point he completely disconnected from the “marriage” arrangement with his behavior becoming nastier as time went on. Unless you’ve had the horrible misfortune of becoming romantically involved and been emotionally trashed by an Avoidant Personality type it’s extremely difficult to grasp the magnitude of the damage this crap does to the partner. I stayed with him to give my girls the best foundation in life possible. My goal has been to break the generational cycle of dysfunction, He and I both experienced from the cradle. The primary difference between us, is the level of awareness about self. I recognized very early in life my mother was broken in profound ways and have spent my entire adult life addressing my issues. He thinks his shit doesn’t stink and has hung me out as “ the what that’s wrong with our relationship” to our girls from the cradle. Unfortunately we only have the visibility to recognize what we have knowledge of. He keeps his information intake as superficial as his ability to interact socially with other people. I have no fantasies about him reconnecting in the future. By the time I’m done with him, he will be so traumatized, even the Viagra won’t allow him to function sexually again. I want to ensure he never attempts to be intimate with another woman. If I met him today, by the end of the second date, I would have thanked him for the entertainment he paid for, wished him the best in life and walked off. Hindsight is amazing. Foresight sucks.
@@kirancromie1772 your anger is only hurting yourself. You come across as totally insane posting this here and bragging about cyberstalking him
Please update me. Did she reach out?
@@amazing5165 No. It's been over 6 months now and not a peep. At this point I don't expect to hear anything. I'm ok with that now. I noticed in July I was starting to get over her. I started dating again in late August. If she contacted me now, I'd talk to her, see what was up. Not sure if I'd want to get back with her again, but I wouldn't rule it out of hand. But I really don't see her contacting me at this point. And I'm fine with that. And that's the point I wanted to get to. That it didn't matter to me anymore if she reached out. That's enough. Now I'm looking for someone else.
The important thing is we all heal at our own pace. Don't let anyone tell you you should be over someone or start dating before you're ready. Take the time to heal and work on any issues you might have. Maybe your ex will come back. And you want to be ready for that. If not, take the time to move on.
After 4 months I can share my experience with my DA ex (we work together)..for the first 3 months he never reached out, then he started because of some health issues of mine and my family, but he said to me it's over between us. When he went on vacation,so we didn't see each other, he started to reach out sending me a youtube video referred to a holiday together when we were a couple. Then I opened up and I told him he's still important to me and I feel sorry for our break up even if it's over for me too, he responded that he misses me and I'm still important to him . After that he has changed and he has started to treat me like trash at work so we had a fight and I told him he needs help because his toxic behaviors still hurt me. Now I want him to stay out of my life, I'm fed up.
As soon as you're back into DA's inner circle, they start treating you like crap again.
@@TheCoffeeCat exactly, but now it's over forever..it's clear we can't have a civil relationship as exes, I hurted enough..there are serious issues here and I can't help him anymore.
@@ArielAriel-rg8ng you can’t help him at all, and it’s not your job. You’re not his therapist, mom, nurse, rehab center.
@@SK-no2pp indeed I left him because I understood there was nothing I could do.
Why do you mean , treating you like trash? Just trying to understand, Is he not helping you at work or is doing something verbally or physically to you?
If you fall out of the DA circle, it's kinda like the abyss.
While DAs take their own sweet time "processing" it can turn extremely traumatic for the other person coz they don't understand why the DA suddenly changed their demeanor and went cold. Also, in the meantime, the DA is sleeping with / forming casual relationships with other people as a coping mechanism which can be a deal breaker to the traumatised person and there's no going back from that. DAs ruin a perfectly good situation, not just for themselves but also for the other person.
No contact is for self protection. You can NOT CHange the other person. Discussions do not change behavior.
Hurt people hurt people, this is all you need to know. I will never date a DA again, I would prefer to date an AP at least they can be vulnerable
This is great. I'm a FA & my hubby is DA. We balance each other well & are secure when building ourselves up individually & together. I'd love to know how these styles translate to parenting.
Thais - a video about avoidants and love bombing and/or the subsequent return to their avoidant ways would be so welcome.
Also DAs and devaluing their partners after the honeymoon phase. Please and thank you
i second this!
What's bugging me is, how is it possible that an avoidant is the one courting someone to begin with?
What is the difference between Dismissive Avoidant and Narcissists? they seem to have the same attitudes and ways of relating
Reading some of the comments, the theme seems to be that we (I'm a DA) are somewhat narcissistic. Yes, at the end of the relationship I can appear somewhat cold and distant because I am triggered, and have therefore shut down emotionally. (That scenario could be evident in "normal" breakups too). Within me is just the anxiety to get away without any violence or hysterics from them. From my perspective when discussing the breakup reasons, they are accepted as valid by my partner, but that I have over reacted (which is often true). I have to realize that the trigger does not automatically mean the end of the relationship, and that's what I am working on...
How should us AP apologise?
Yes please, the reemergence video/how to have that discussion!
Very few Avoidants change or seek help. I’d like to hear something about DA’s over 50 for those of us in the dating pool over 50. It’s bleak. My recent experience was unbelievable- every word in the Book Avoidant is what I experienced & not until I was out of the vortex & discarded did I even realize what happened to me. Broken people break people.
I would like to testify as a secure that it is possible to date and change a DA into a securely attached individual. All you need is patience, vulnerability on your side first and genuine affection for that person.
I am now in a 6 years relationship with my DA partner. It took us about 5 months to officialize our relationship and we still struggled for the first few years. But I remained patience and open to communicate, I taught her about intentions and vulnerability. In the end it works.
I feel like most DAs are just too afraid to attach because once they do they’re extremely loyal and present. And if the relationship ever ends or goes on hiatus, they do struggle to detach. So yeah, it’s possible to build something strong with them.
I love this! Thank you for sharing. I realize that it's taken my best friend/lover DA so much time to open up. It def takes time. I'm not sure if we'll make it honestly. I kind of think we both need someone more secure as FA's and DA's trigger each other so much.
You say it's possible to change your partner?
@@colettelongo2080 yes .. everybody changes as they mature and if you have a partner that also changes as they mature, AND both of them influence the other, Then they have changed each other.
Doesn’t work if they don’t want to do compromise
It’s not worth diving into something with a DA. Sorry. I tried and got burned in the end. I actually fell for her after two months and when I expressed myself she broke up with me. Made me angry. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from her and I’m not going to contact her. Too much work and bs. Find someone who can bond with you emotionally.
Please make another video about DA'S and intimacy. How they start off being intimate then take it away when it becomes to close.
They come back to get more of your love and validation then leave again lol
I chased a DA for a year and always took the bait when she returned hot/open minded until recently.
Pull the band-aid off immediately before it consumes your confidence, energy, and self worth. When a person shows potential long term love then repeatedly ghosts, it can throw your mind into chaos trying to understand it regardless of your confidence level or how many options for potential partners you may have.
R U N 🏃♂️ !!
I did the same. Was with her for 8 months and couldn’t take it anymore. She was so sweet and kind at first. I miss that version of her. I was pretty secure going into the relationship and left it feeling confused, worthless and insecure. Worse part is, she’s pregnant with my child. I wanted to be there for her through all of it and be her guy but she treated me like I was less than human. I’d never felt so lonely and isolated in my entire life. She kinda ruined me. The worse part is, I still care about her and still want to be with her sometimes but she ruined me and then dragged me through the mud with everyone after I left. I got texts from friends telling me that I’m trash and that I need help or that I’m the problem and so on… I’m now seeing a therapist because I’m pretty broken at this point.
Yes, please do a video on the re-emergence stage with DA’s and their doubts. Major DA triggers: conflict, pressure to move forward and perceived criticism. How do we re-establish a relationship while avoiding these DA pitfalls? How slow should we expect to go after a time of separation and shutting down? I find the DA shuts down suddenly but is VERY slow to “thaw out” and warm back up again. Is it reasonable for the warming back up stage to take 6 mos or more?
Yes..could be up to that
Can take 80 days atleast. Or even a year.
4 months since my DA shut me out after 3 years. It still hurts and I give up hope. It's like he just forgot about me 😢
Keep in mind a lot of avoidants are narcissists with NPD. Don’t hold out hope. Go no contact and move on with your life. If they come back, you can have the discussion. But don’t wait.
Christ, WHY would you want to do all that work for someone that will never, ever, treat you any better than they already have? Matthew Hussey says it best: "You have your reasons, but I have my reality [experience]. And what *I'M* interested in is my reality [experience]." In other words, who gives a f**k about the DA's reasons. It's useful to understand and process what you went through with the DA, but it doesn't excuse the behavior. Being constantly dismissed, invalidated, and used is a reality I don't have time for any longer. DA's can work their stuff out alone or with someone willing to put up with it.
My DA GF abruptly ended our healthy and fruitful relationship. Completely caught off guard and worst heart break. We literally talked about future plans of settling down and moving in. Then there people pressing problems she had and flipped on me as if it were my fault. Then said it couldn’t work with us. I guess she was the problem.
same scenario here. She dismissed me while I was In hospital after getting hit by drunk. Her reasoning had no evidence to support it.
When I first starting seriously dating my DA husband, there was a period of like three months where everything was great and we were building and then all of the sudden, I remember he just changed and totally pulled away. He'd still come visit me but his attitude was totally dismissive AND avoidant. I even remember asking him why he never seemed happy to see me. I should have known then!! Now, ten years in I feel like we're roommates. No connection, no vulnerability, and NO INTIMACY for YEARS. This is everything I DIDN'T WANT in a marriage.
They LOVE your "interest level" and have a bunch of rules and boundaries from keeping them from getting as invested. So they usually do try to come back.
Do you mean if they felt
Like you were super into them? They’ll try and come back?
@@jrahauiser They come back for your attention. That's it. That's all they like about you.
@@jrahauiser yes. They return for that excess attention
@@dennisrobinson8008 I agree. It's fake. It's not motivated by genuine love.
What about a 24 year marriage? Our 2 year courtship was long distance so she had her space and then had our first of 2 kids within a year. The kids kept us busy but when the youngest left she was hit hard by empty nest syndrome. She definitely has the need for freedom and space. She reflected on her youth and is convinced that her mom emotionally neglected her. This is probably the origin of her avoidant behavior. She definitely seems to be afraid to commit to the marriage and to me now that the kids are gone. Having a hard time understanding this
@Israel Zacarias go to hell. He's in pain.
I had to leave. I really loved him but I couldn't do it anymore.
I fell in love to a DA and after reading. Seeing videos and comments. My conclusion is that a DA. knows and is aware that he is going to be toxic and will hurt the other person but he does not care. He needs his rush. His ego boost. Once he is satisfied he or she will say that you are too needy or want too much. Guilt is on you and from there they simply do not give a shit about you. Period.
If they come back for any reason it is to repeat that egotistic process and on to the next fool.
It would be great to know a bit how to deal with social media with a dismissive avoidant while doing no contact. If they still follow you, should you keep them from seeing your stories to actually make them even more curious what you‘re up to and miss you even more or will them seeing what you‘re up to actually make them miss you more because they might see what they‘re missing out on and that you‘re doing fine without them.
wondering the same. got ghosted right before date but tagged in a post of theirs that day
Block them
Yes please do a video on how to handle the re-emergence after a breakup! That would be so helpful!!
Best way to handle it is to continue no contact. You may get a weekend of renewed love and words about how much they miss you, but when the rubber meets the road, you'll be back to needing no contact again.
I got soft ghosted by my DA. I’m coming to terms with it slowly. I’m an AP I’m going to go no contact even tho I told him I would still communicate even if he didn’t. (I was trying to keep the connection ) His excuse was he’s just really busy. Which he is….but I feel like if he was into me he would make time. I’m just torn about what to do honestly….😞
I'm right there with you, friend. Dated my DA for 2.5 months as a secure-leaning FA. NC for a little over 3 weeks now. Things were amazing, then as soon as he got busy with an unexpected major life event he ended things abruptly, just as it began to genuinely feel like it was getting more serious between us. Everyone I know says to block him and move on since, like you say, he must not've liked me that much if he wasn't willing to stick it out. But with the way it all went down, I honestly believe that this was him deactivating strongly due to how extreme the external stress of the life event is going to be on him for the next several months. Regardless, I'm working toward moving on but do hope he'll reach out. In any case, let's both do our best to heal in the meantime.
@@MyvMeow yes let’s heal and be in a better mind frame if/when they do return!! I’m not holding my breath but my optimism keeps me going. 😁
My exact situation, soft ghosting...he is there when I contact him.
He wants to know if ok. But won't show up even I said I'm not ok.
Move on. Trying to work with DAs is like throwing 24k gold down a garbage disposal.
@@MyvMeow This is the standard excuse. There's some major life event stressor that prevents them from giving their all and you actually believe it and settle for less. You settle for less contact, less affection, less investment and no future plans. You keep thinking, once the event is over we can go back to that normal evolution and development of intimacy. But no, this is all by design. In the beginning, before you were hooked, they could give their best. They were calling, texting, trying to see you all the time, not too busy for you. Then a couple months in and now life is standing in the way, miraculously. Why do they all have some sort of excuse for the change other than that their fear has taken over and they're trying to control it through distancing? Stop allowing their excuses and "life stressors" determine what you get out of someone. An invested person acts invested, period.
SELF LOVE IS THE BEST LOVE ! I’m with most of you ❤❤❤❤ .
No matter your ethnicity ! I love you all man 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾💚💚💚💚✨✨✨🧘🏾♂️
Forget them
Stay in no contact okay !
Go to the gym
Fast ,
Get into a new career
Push yourself
OF COURSE THEY WILL COME BACK !
I’ve been done soooooo cold an dirty by my ex leading me on ! But I’m over it now
She is definitely a D.A ! At all cost !
It’s important for me to love myself an heal . Rebrand myself an grow .
Much love to you all ❤❤❤
I love how Thais always like to get to the root reason of things!
What a very sad and complicated disorder of the mind
I didn’t speak to my DA for 8 months. We reconnected in June. As someone with AP tendencies when triggered I can say that the dynamic feels different now. I’m less on edge which has allowed her to feel safer and open up more
Who reached out first?
@@adoptioncorner1984 she did
@@TheJoshyCee this gives me hope , it's been 4 months now
@@adoptioncorner1984 the best thing to do is not wait. Live your life and perhaps one day you’ll hear from them and depending on what happened you’ll get an apology or you can apologize to each other and be better
@@adoptioncorner1984 are they depressed , or going through a challenging life change like a death ? Often this can make DAs withdrawal . Think about why they took space . Empathize with the why if it’s something that naturally would cause deep sadness , but remember that DA/fA s can’t process emotions the same way. They where taught that . Mine also withdrew for several months , we weren’t completely no contact just less and different contact . But I gave space and grace , remained steady and allowed him to do what he needed to self soothe . He came back a little more open and appreciative. , relationship stronger because he knows I didn’t leave him through the process Maybe this is the direction you could take as well . Assess your situation and see if that can be the approach to take
It's never a "smooth" ride having a relationship with a DA. They cause an avalanche of psychological, emotional financial and spiritual damage within the relationship at your expense. They are operating from their deep "unresolved childhood wounds subconsciously". They will completely drian you if your precious energy . Too many healthy ,balanced, loving people around to "settle" for a DA who can't love and respect you
DA took a step back from me at the beginning & I called them out on it and it never happened again til recently when I got dumped! I did research info & ask about it which lead to the dumping, also said the 4 letter word to them, which I feel scared them. They have told me they never felt love or had anyone tell them that. literally would not even talk about it. I apologize if they felt I invaded privacy etc and just ignored! I could tell they were confused towards the end by calling me love and babe. I broke NC after 11 days & im back at 9. I hate I opened up to this person. It’s the first person I’ve liked since a divorce 😢
If DA aka emotionally unavailable is caused by trauma then why same trauma in others do not cause DA.
This calls for Red flag of excusing abusive DA’s sorry cause of trauma. Why don’t they do work, heal and respect others emotions. DA sounds to me like undercover naming of psycho/ narcissist🤷♀️
I think because some people go to therapy and are genuinely not malevolent. Just hurt and told they deserved to be hurt by the abuser.
I believe NO CONTACT after a break-up is usually helpful for both parties. What do you think? :)
Only if it is both communicated this. If one runs like a usually avoidant then no. It is ghosting and Silent Treatment which is a form of emotional abuse and Domestic Violence
Unless it was only a couple dates and there was no sex or anything, then ghosting is more permissable
@@clarebear1981 the way you described it sounds more like if it's done by a narcissist. My DA and I FA have gone silent and didn't communicate we were and on his end, he would not only disappear from me, but also friends and family. He's really hurt if he gets to that point. As for me, I'm a combination of hurt, sad and feel unheard when I go silent. What's really sad is that there are dating coaches that promote silent treatment disguised as No Contact as a manipulation tactic when ultimately it should be used to work on yourself.
Too late I found these videos but now I realize it’s a give and take with a DA and AA..it can’t be working against each other like in any relationship..I just didn’t know that was my problem..it’s so enlightening to know it and work on it..keep up the good work
Just walk away. Nobody need someone who ia not able to build a healthy relationship
I think I’m a DA after reading the traits. I’ve been opening up about it. But I never knew there was a label for it. I always sabotage my relationships or give them a expiration date. 😢
This is so true. I told my ex are you wearing a coat out as she had nothing hardly on top and she flipped out. Started saying controlling and all this shit. It was like minus 4 degrees at the time
I feel you. I politely asked my ex if she would wait until we had finished our dinner date together to message her friend back…
Response:
‘You cant tell me what to do’ ‘You are trying to control me’
It’s exhausting honestly. Any form of normal respectful boundary is a shot at their independence.
This comment section is confusing DAs with Narcissists and it’s sad to see y’all don’t understand the difference. Someone being manipulative and self-serving and gaslighty, that’s all narcissistic behavior. Vs someone who shuts down, pulls away, stonewalls in convo because of overwhelm and out of fear (not manipulation) this is the DA.
yes please, I am FA and partner is DA/disorganized, we have separated but still in touch, I believe we can save this, just need the time apart to find ourselves again. we are members doing your course :)
they don't care. They move on but eventually make the same mistakes
Some cognitive distortions in the unhealed d.a. they are pseudo- dependent and unconnected to their feelings which are shoved done and in some repressed. They believe they are logical and don't know that their feelings may lead to distortions about the partner. They're belief that all their fears are related to the partner. These fears may be elicited by anyone. In the extreme case they may go into fantasy about the perfect person. Again not logical sequential thinking but primary process thinking as in dreaming and fantasy.
I am here listening to these videos about being possibly with a DA and I will say when my SP first told me a few years ago that she couldn’t give me what I want and it hurt but I never showed it. I agreed and went straight into NC, she came back around and told me the best thing I could have done was to leave her alone and in the 3 years she’s done it lots of times with me and each and every time I’ve gone into NC I truly don’t want this because I want commitment with her and I’ve noticed when I push a little she backs off so then I back off. Currently we’ve not spoken for 3 days but I know she will contact me. The longest we’ve gone is 9 days . It would be great if an DA could actually come on and comment to give there insight and how to act around them
thank you for sharing this with us. Its a major challenge trying to understand it while also trying to heal.
Life is way too short for this. I wish we could put all DA's on an island and let them work out out
Yeah.Lady DA and male DA might work 😅....they will be avoiding each other.😂