Communication is ruining your relationships | Beth Luwandi Lofstrom | TEDxGustavusAdolphusCollege
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 เม.ย. 2017
- STOP TALKING; How your communication is actually ruining your relationships (and what to do about it)
Luwandi Lofstrom, a 1992 graduate of Gustavus, is a private practicing psychotherapist from Cincinnati, Ohio, who works with couples and individuals to navigate the most painful of human experiences. She has been discussed at PsychCentral, is a regular presenter on love, loss and relationship in the Cincinnati area, and has a podcast, Midlife Love Bytes.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
Relationship needs connection. Connection needs communication.
One thing that helped us build that strong connection and its really funny.. was this couples questions game "Lovify".
It gave us a way to communicate our feelings without any argument ❤
Empathy, Respect, Connection
1. I feel...
2. I want...
3. Can you help?
Always one of us feels the duty to do this summary for everyone else. This time that was you, the chosen one! Good job man 😎😂
Thank you.
I loved the ending statement. It gave me goosebumps.
It's horrible when they still continue their mockery when you say these things.
1. Oh you feel? too sensitive.
2. Oh you want? you always want.
3. Can I help? I help too much.
Yet, you're genuinely crushed and burning inside, ready to run with zero regrets and they don't believe you since it's been over 4 years. They "love" you all the time, and you "love" them all the time... but it's pretty horrible and destructive in reality.
it only works if the other also follows this same list. But some people refer to a general rule "this is how it is supposted to be, this is how everyone else feels and acts and so must you". And that kills the whole conversation
I saw this clip 4 years ago.... I've used it in my relationships since then. And it has NEVER failed me. 😂
Non Dominating Communication:
1. I feel...
2. I want... (Not asking something from you)
3. What do you think? / Can you help?
You can take a no; you're already taking it!
This style of communication resists the urge to control the other person.
Be aware when you want to control the response from the other person, which actually means you want to control them!
A relationship needs mutual respect and effort. If only one tries all the time and the other just refuses to do anything for the relationship it won't work.
amen amen amen
Maybe. . . but our actions certainly influence how the other sees us, and what they do. Harriet Lerner likens a relationship to a dance, and if we change our step, it forces the other to change theirs..
While watching this talk I realized that, while I thought I was sharing and being vulnerable, I was, in fact, making my partner feel lesser, unsafe, and disrespected. Her logical response was defensiveness and anger. And, instead of changing my way of communicating, I blamed our problems on her defensiveness and anger. Had I known this new way of communicating, I think her responses would have been much different and our conflicts would have brought us together rather than tearing us apart. AND it was my doing, not hers...
@@sobrevida157 aww I feel u on that
I agree totally
Well they can stay together still so it kinda can work
She uses the technique she describes in the end when she pretty much asks for applause. She’s brilliant
The title definitely needs to change. She is still talking about learning how to communicate on a different level. Perhaps "Communication Tips for Healthier Relationships"
The title is clickbait.
Janey Lane it’s used bc this is how we naturally communicate our needs -essentially this is communication. The technique she use doesn’t feel natural to us. She even does it in the end when she ask for applause. She’s brilliant
Thanks
What it actually means is “your current communication style is ruining your relationships” also, it is a quote from something her sister said a long time ago
I think sometimes I overcomunicate when wronged. I think I can over text when I’m upset. I think I’m learning to calm down before texting or on the phone. I hate arguing. I’m definitely a communicator but I think I sometimes when upset can over communicate also. Working on that though because sometimes you can ruin relationships by how you respond. It’s important to think about what we say before we say it. Wrong words can damage relationships.
great video and experience . also had a great expereince with my man last night with natural drops spanish fly And I am telling you, he will never forget it !!!
that's pretty clever, that has to be said. in fact i can't say i have never tried these natural drops spanish fly :-) yeah great results w my girlfriend
This “I feel / can you help” dynamic is so obviously better for both sides than the “When you do X you make me feel Y” that is usually taught. No blame, no guilt, and you leave the other person able to decide how they want to help. Brilliant.
Love this. So clean and simple.
The pattern of communication
she is promoting seems just like what we normally do when we don’t feel a strong need to control the outcome. “I feel hungry. I want to get a pizza. How about you?” (Then observe.) It gives the other person space to weigh in. For me, the challenge is to be aware when I want to control the outcome - and then realize I cannot really do that - so consciously avoid the domination pattern.
Practicing this in many contexts not only makes me a better friend or partner, it also (through observation) leads to a better selection of friends, partners, and even service providers.
Well said!
Too many people especially wives are not flexible and only want it their way.
@@frankonolfi7328 Funny you say "especially wives". It probably depends on your personality and the dynamics you developed growing up. I have been married 2 times to men who have walked all over me and used and abused me for their own gain because I was so willing to please.
@@phylliswilliams9800 thanks for your comments. I tend to be a person of action and less adept at communication. Relationships are give and take, unfortunately some take more than give..
frank onolfi ... not good at communicating?
Says a lot. Perspective
The title is click bait. It should be BAD Communication Is Ruining Your Relationships
Fallen Angel thank you for saving me the time!
I thought that the word “ruining” used in the title implied that it was bad communication.
I don’t believe this is click bait.
bad Communication is still Communication ...
Thanx for not ruining my 14 min!
@@CassandraLMAO that's playing on words, still a click bait title.
This is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard.
It really changed my life.
I was going through a breakup because of my poor communixation skills when I found this video and this really helped me to be a better person.
I really recommend this and thank you so much for the guidance.
I just finished watching this, and I'm honestly speechless. These are the kind of talks teachers should be having with their learners in Life Skills
I’m a teacher and used to teach my students. It works wonders for long term changes in behaviour in nearly all cases.
I don't like the title because I don't think it's true, but I like what she says. This is all in the way you're communicating.
Clickbait.
Well obviously communication [PERIOD] isn’t killing relationships, but communication (as in 𝐻𝑜𝑤 you communicate) can hurt or kill a relationship if you do it wrong
Dumfries Spearhead It’s only clickbait to people who took what she said literally lmao
I agree the title is a little off.
@@toomuchinformation 00⁰0
A few years ago, I read a book called 'Non Violent Communication' by Dr.Rosenberg and this talk is inline with principles/framework in that book. However this talk only covers half of the story - how to express yourself such that you receive empathy from others. The other half (and from my personal experience the more difficult part) is how to understand/receive others with empathy (even when they expressed themselves poorly). Of course, I enjoyed this talk (as I already knew and have been practicing the ideas and felt connected with the speaker) and I agree with a few other commenters that the right title could have been 'how to talk better' ... however, it's this title that got me curious :-) and made me watch the talk (to see if I get any news ideas towards communication)!!!
Tnx for the info I just bought the Kindle version on Amazon🌻
I just bought the book and I am looking forward to reading it!
Thank you for sharing the title of that book. I've just read the first chapter and I can tell it's going to help me so much.
This book is my FAVORITE communications book total gamechanger
Thank you!!! I just purchased the book to learn and better myself on my relationships.
This was amazing! My man and I had to learn this the hard way but it's true. The more we listen to eachother, and give equal respect to eachother's mental, emotional & physical needs, the more healing we can get as well as give in the relationship. Even when it's been difficult seeing eye-to-eye for a long time. Thanks for this!
Agree with previous comments. Poor choice of title for a super excellent talk with a diamond of wisdom. Succinct, pithy, powerful, practical, and wonderful. Excellent work!!! Thanks for sharing with the world!
Thank you, this is what I needed to hear! I hope this helps me with my family
I've listened as some women talk to their husbands. Sometimes I want to say, Who died and left you in charge? The compassion is just absent. It isn't easy to have a corrective conversation with your mate. It is a challenge. For some, it is a challenge to talk with anyone without exhibiting the "I'll tell you what you can do" mode. Attitude determines altitude. That works with planes and conversations. Most people could develop their conversational ability by working in a customer service job for a while.
Who died and left you in charge of what women should say?
Do you know their past? It is fairly common for it to be a response to past behavior and talks and not the average way that someone communicates.
I think this is the TED that will save countless relationships. I feel empowered. I can't wait to use this on people around me. Thanks You!
You are sincere and down to earth. Some Ted Talkers try to make us all saints, of course it is a big turnoff. You gave simple examples of sharing feelings and be vulnerable. Thanks.
I love this woman she is honest and straight up!!!
Thanks a lot I'm trying to change my perspective of things and my whole life and this is very helpful.
Communication is critically dependent on receiving and understanding feedback as you progress through your desired process.
I absolutely love this and think that her presentation is amazing. She makes things easy to understand and even kinda fun. Thank you ma'am.
I loved the clear approach ✨
You've definitely contributed something helpful. You made me see my mistake. Now hopefully I'll make things work which until before this video i was running away from. Thank you.
Very helpful, practical and eye-opening presentation
Very succinct ... very easily achieved for a focused , compassionate mind .. reminds me of an earlier existence . Yet thank you for reminding me how we can make better choices .
she is so amaziiing!! such a beautiful speech, the end got me right there
This was so amazing!! And so authentic thank you!! You definitely contributed something I’m going to practice implementing
I like it. It seems she needs more time to explain it than she had. It's actually very challenging to word it this way. To own that "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" "I want" instead of some appeal to expectations, and can you help me? Instead of "you should".
This is essentially what Marshall Rosenberg taught in Nonviolent Communication. His full audio book teaching you how to communicate in this effective way in depth is on TH-cam.
Thanks. I’m going to check that out.
The title is misleading. It should correctly say "Bad communication is ruining your relationships".
Thank you for sharing your knowledge!!
I really enjoyed this ted talk it gave me an interesting way to deal with relationships with out devaluation of the other person
yes, you have contributed something helpful.
thanks a lot.
A minute in and I'm already wishing more Ted talks had this kind of responsive crowd.
Great speech!!!
This is gold, wow!!
Her model is very similar to the Concern-Vision-Action model I learned in my college communication classes. I think she’s still trying to work hers out.
Thank you for sharing
The BEST Tedtalk I’ve ever listened to! She deserves a Tedtalk award! And 1000000000 views!❤️
Best close to a TED talk ever! ❤️💯🏆
Some comments saying the title of this video is bad...
Reminded me, episode of The Nanny, where Fran's mother advises, "You're spending too much time with your husband."
And says the key to her own happy marriage is, in forty years as a couple, total time spent in each other's presence is five months, or something like that....
I think this was great! the title is perfect.
This is primarily Assertive Communication Techniques simplified. We are using a request to modify behavior.
Why does "I feel ___" not create an argument? No one can debate what another person is feeling.
I do like the emphasis on "I want" omitting the word you (and also your) in making the "specify" sentence. I have included this in my general assertive framework. It is difficult at times to do, and will take effort and practice, but it is an advantage. The reason is the stance is non-aggressive.
Unfortunately, this format is incomplete in covering all requests. Many times there is an outcome, which is what you think will follow if the other person does or does not honor the request.
Oh they can debate what you're feeling or tell you that you shouldn't be feeling that. That was a favourite of my brother's.
I believe in good communication.
4:20 "...but first you have to see this"
*Ad plays*
Thanks TH-cam, that was actually pretty funny.
I can see how this wont work in a lot of situations. But when the person is you are talking to is sensible, it will most likely work.
Search for non-violent communication from Marshall D Rosenberg.
Check out Non-Violent Communication, it's basically the same thing but in more detail
I try to process all I feel,
as I watch this video...
But the pain is too great,
too big, too overwhelming.
smothering: I am breathless.
I am drowning, suffocating.
Dying of loneliness and longing.
I can't bear it. I just can't.
Please, please pray for me, friends.
May the prayer(s) you say for me, bless you, as well...
Wow ❤Thank you!💜
Why doesn’t this video have more views and likes?
Lol this is brilliant I needed this thx
I think your onto something, amd women REALLY need to hear it. So do men but women will really relate.
I use similar methods, as I have been informed by my mother of something called; "giraf language" and "wolf language."
The wolf attacks; "You are wrong. You hurt me."
The giraf are more gentle; "I don't think thats right. I feel hurt by your actions."
Benjamin Frøstrup this is really interesting, I’ve never heard of that before. I also want to share with you that the English spelling of that word is giraffe.
@@90MysteriumFascinans you expressed your intent so genuinely: "i want to share with you..." i am a language-lerner and language-sensitive and this approach is very constructive
Roodha Abr wonderful! Thank you for your feedback. This was very wholesome.
@@90MysteriumFascinans :-)
great.
Wood, J. T. (2016). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters. Cengage Learning, Boston, MA. (really good book about communication)
So weird you mentioned that, I just read that last night
This is essentially what Marshall Rosenberg taught in Nonviolent Communication. His full audio book teaching you how to communicate in this effective way in depth is on TH-cam.
Honestly I don't like the ideal but my wife pushed me to it.
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Wow... Lady you nailed it... This is the same case in every family. When my in-law says I need to talk.. everyone in home gets butterflies in stomach, when she says 'or else's .. it implies I'm gonna make you feel terrible for this decision😂.
Yes that was great stuff there :)
That was fantastic. Valuable info.
I'm guilty of gridlock
I don't t! But when you encounter a partner or relation who is unwilling to care about you, it's time to curtail the relationship.
I wonder what happened to the whole first paragraph I wrote. Sorry... this just won't make sense!
@@phylliswilliams9800 You can edit your first post and repost it.
@@toomuchinformation thanks! I will when i get a chance
There are consequences if things don't change to where both feel heard and respected. Nothing wrong with that.
She reminds me of arias mom from pll
What do you think? 😊
Awesome 👏🏼
i communicated well but he still left me
Title is indeed confusing. She seems to use some parts of Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication method, a method that is really useful. Even using parts of that is good, but leaving out the other parts makes this not feel whole, like his method is.
Some of the things that Marshall Rosenberg also does is showing people how to empathetically listen and to value that, showing the differences between emotions (e.g. frustration) and pseudo-emotions (e.g. neglected, betrayed, etc, basically thoughts in the guise of emotions). Rosenberg teaches a whole mindset and compassionate philosophy around 4 simple steps. Google it, you'll find lots of info on it.
Well, what is explained here will resonate very much in the hear of men since it's called direct communication, which is how men talk most of the time. Women use indirect communication much more (e.g. "I am tired of you not helping" meaning something like "I had a bad day and I would like a big hug from you right now"), which most men don't have a decryption algorithm for. Plus, each woman uses a different algorithm, making it very difficult for men to understand all women. Both men and women need to learn how the other gender communicates to make social and intimate interactions much more meaningful. But direct communication is surely more efficient as it is straight to the point and avoid any misinterpretation :-)
You don't have to understand ALL women, because that's impossible. Believe it or not all women AREN'T the same. But just the ones that are close to you.
There are different varieties of this, but Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" is a good place to start.
This video is like reading a novel. 15 minutes to give 2 minutes of content.
I feel... and I don’t like/like it or I want to. ... What I want in my life is ... what do you think? Can u help with it?
I’ll try with friends and boyfriend
I communicated with my partner with this way for last two years.
Laura how was it?
well... If my partner said to me I should help him/her with the kids and not just turn on the TV... well, I'd say s.he's right, stand up and help. I'd say "honey I'm sorry, I was being egoistic, I didn't think of that. Let me help you"
Same tbh
Just go look at John Gottmans books that talk about communication. Empirical studies
Communication is what’s wrong with relationships... The communication your talking about is the communication that is after the marriage is already over,they just don’t know it yet.
i personally dont want to put the effort in, and i think a lot of people arent honest enough to say that. or at least, they dont want to put as much into it as they need to. ur supposed to give more than u get, but people want to see thier actions, their input, returned to them.. they want to see the value back for what they invest. its fair, but thats not how relationships work.
@@sMASHsound I've often put TOO much effort in, which is a bad sign, efforting always is.
@@toomuchinformation and u guys get taken advantaged of, by more selfish people.
The problem is communication...to much communication.
Can you show me how to feel love?
Check out Brene Brown on TED...or check out her books, particularly "Daring Greatly". Step 1 is to want to love. So God bless you!
This is the most passive aggressive way of communicating
It’s actually not aggressive. It’s not totally passive, either... so...
I feel affronted. I want her message to change minds. Can you help with that?
she's 10/11? Im 11 of 11!
Communication is ruining my relationships?
Impossible, I never communicate.
Can't see how to apply this in situations where you are in direct conflict with someone. For example, suppose your spouse undermines you in front of your kids or friends. How do you use this technique without addressing the specific behaviour that triggered your feelings. If you don't refer to the triggering event your spouse (who may not have realised what they've done wrong) won't know what you're talking about. Can anyone help me out here. It's a common theme in my life!
Hm. Just watched it, like it, haven't had a chance to practice yet. But your question is interesting. You'd use the "I feel, I want, 'what do you think/can you help?" pattern. So ask yourself, what do you feel when your spouse undermines you? Embarassed? Confused? Emaculated? Well that last one might be a bit much to toss out at first ha. But think of how you feel. Angry, maybe? Think about that and start there..
I feel hurt, angry and like I can't parent effectively when you undermine me in front of the kids. I want to be an effective parent. Can you help me with that?
@@Rosaedora good attempt this was a very helpful example to me (but removing the "you" would make it less blaming, maybe like "when i am undermined in front of the kids"
@@anjafrohlich1170 I just wanted to take a moment to thank you so so much for all you have written here. I am experiencing a very challenging time in my relationship/end of relationship and you have provided me with some very clear and impactful insights that I have just written down in my journal. Thank you angel :-)
"I feel betrayed/belittled/pushed aside. I want/wish to have more respect when I say somethinf/I want to be listened to more. What do you think?" Is I guess a direct follow of her rules
Play the video on 1.25 speed thank me later
Yeah bad title. John Gottman's Love Institute based on Seattle has written over 40 books on couples and communication.
I think she is right. But how can I make my GF stop talking? 😂
I mean seriously. I try to shut up myself and do the more important stuff, try to bond on a emotional level, hugging, going on a walk with her and that kinda thing. But she just doesn't feel like it. She rather argues and "plans" happiness, and is barely in the moment.
i know where you are coming from, and to be fair if she doesn't educate herself about things like this,(and doesn't even identify these actions of hers like they can cause harm) that are literally poisoning the core of the relationship, then its totally not your fault for feeling miserable. Ever been there hugging her but was thinking that literally anyone else could do it because there is nothing behind it but her will out of her own self-esteem problems and misery? Ever felt like you are just hugging her because this is what she wants you to do and not what you actually want to contribute? Like being there but not exactly knowing why she needs it at that moment, because its definitely something that you should be knowing (and feeling the empathy to actually want to hug her) if you really understood her actions, but you just don't know why since she doesn't communicate it towards you but expects you to know it...
It happened to me and now that i know that how different we were and how little self-respect she (and even i) had coming into the relationship its probably for the best that we split our ways 2 months ago after being together for 2 years. I went with the flow, did everything the way she wanted, but at the end it wasn't enough for her. It was never the right way to do it. God if i could just go back in time....
In my opinion, if you really like her and want to keep the relationship healthy, be honest to her and most importantly to Yourself. Tell her what you feel in a respectful way that may cause her to think over her actions and responsibility in your relationship. Watch videos like these together, read books about it and try to learn about stuff like this together. Even if it seems scary now, go and see a professional together. Cut down on your ego, ignorance and be honest. If you always only satisfy her needs that she bring in during your debate, then you will eventually lose yourself, and her too.
How can you bond on an emotional level without talking?
@@husseinfaiz3397 Very easily. Don't people bond with their babies and pets?
The title is poorly chosen. ACTIVE - POSITIVE COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIP'S is better suited. Although the content of the speaker is very well expressed.
I click like
9:35
Ty I was looking for this
Curious about anyone else’s views on my current situation.
Multiple times in my relationship I’ve had my girlfriend tell me that I didn’t do a good enough job at making her feel cared for over text and promptly follows it up with “all you need to say is this ____” and it would be fine.
A few comments under here seem to say that’s not healthy because she’s just trying to control the response. Anyone have some input?
From someone who's made threatening statements like that before myself... I'd say that definitely isn't the way to go 😂😂 I slightly regret making those statements (though my boyfriend did change after that and it was GREATLY appreciated... you never want to cause someone to change out fear of negative consequences). If I were you, I'd listen to what your girl had to say... and then put some reminders in your phone or something. "Remeber to tell Stacey I love her" "Remember to initiate something with Stacey when I see her today" (assuming her name is stacey lol) ... ultimately... there really isn't any advice I can give you cause those are the things I WOULD DO. Not YOU. I think it should come from a place within your own heart, rather than pressure from her or advice from some internet stranger! If you wanted to make her feel loved, you'd try in your own way. If she's giving you specific ways of how to make her feel loved, remind yourself to follow them sometimes (but again, think that last point would have to come from you actually wanting to and not me giving an obvious suggestion!)
Hope things have gone well with you and your girl! 🙂
I happen to think couples therapy is great, you learn a lot about each other, she is way off about the soft startups. It's better to be nice when talking vs not
The "poop" sandwich she refers to is what we refer to in business when giving feedback. If you constantly adopt the Good-Bad-Good approach (the poop sandwich), then the person receiving the message is already ignoring the 1st Good, because they're waiting for the Bad and then they're not listening to the 2nd Good, because they're still focussed on the Bad. Better to go straight to the issue.
That said, I didn't like how she dissed couples therapy. That is very unprofessional. You may not agree with it, but you should not insult it.
How can a woman like this be going through her third divorce?! Something is definitely wrong with her partners or, there's something hidden about her we will never know that her exes know, or don't. But I just can't imagine why she can't find a good partner to share these believes with yet. Maybe she just likes/attracted to deadbeats?
maybe her divorces happened before she figured out this way of communicating? Dunno but that's my guess.
I think what she was trying to say was that she had to learn all of this THROUGH those failed relationships that forced her to rethink the way she communicates
Why would a psychologist say things like "marriage counselor, what a crook"? Maybe that's why her marriage has failed three times? If you don't believe marriage counselor but you go anyway, then can you gain any help?
This is a combination of truth and cringe...
My cringe is that people need this much floof in their communication, like I need to make the truth palatable, instead of the responsibility for listening falling on the listener.
Ironic title
None of this is mentioned at school ever 🙃🙃🙃
@@playingcasual2024 yes, why not? If you spend 8 hours per day there might as well gain some real value
All this communication stuff makes me wish I never got married. Single people need not consult anyone about anything ever. I miss that terribly. Really what does having a spouse do for you? Really?
This is just a rewording of a proven technique called nonviolent communication.
Yo, the title, the contents and the speaker was hella confusing imo....