4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships | Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings | TEDxSquareMile
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มิ.ย. 2024
- ALL relationships face a similar set of hurdles. We all need to be equipped to get over the hurdles, so that our relationships don’t just survive, but thrive. Based on over 20+ years’ experience of working with countless couples, Dr. Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings share their observations of the 4 fundamental habits that all successful relationships exhibit. Dr Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings are co-founders of Soulmates Academy - an organisation on a mission to reduce relationship and family breakdown across the globe, by proactively educating people to develop strong relationship capability. As a key part of this vision for social change, they help organisations equip people to build healthy relationships at home so they can perform better at work, improve wellbeing and mental health, and achieve better work-life balance. As City professionals and entrepreneurs themselves, over the last 20+ years, Andrea & Jon have leveraged their first-hand experience of the inevitable relationship challenges of high-stress careers to help countless couples strengthen communication and relationship skills, overcome challenges and improve happiness. Andrea & Jon are recognised authorities on the subject of couple relationships and marriage, with numerous public speaking engagements and several TV and Radio appearances in the UK. Their book is due out soon. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
I wish more adults would spend time watching things like this instead of scrolling around on social media.its never too late to grow and learn together.
So true.
DAMN YOU SAID IT!!
Well Said 🤝 I have become a 👍 fan of Tedx Talks.. It has helped me overcome my 😈 devilish addiction..
Shevani S Right! More specifically, men
@@MegaLadylove2012 Men handle things different than women but I disagree with you. It's 50/50. It's like saying, "Satan mostly tempts men to sin."
Men are incarcerated 11 to 1 to women. This seems to prove you right but women just do other things to make life difficult. Dr. Phil, "No matter how flat you smash a pancake, there are still two sides." Yes, he does this that drives you crazy but I bet you do things or withhold things that drive him crazy.
Really best wishes, my relationship has been so extreme: happy, sad, rewarding, frustrating. I've never gave anything so much effort and been confused at her response. It's a work in progress. Truly best wishes.
‘People go where they feel welcome but stay where they feel valued.’ That says it all.
One of my favourite quotes too! :)
My fave part! I came back to time stamp it. 👍🏾
👌
I really like that
So true
Did y'all hear her whisper "mental health" to help him get back on track? That's a partnership! And the way they look at each other while they speak is kinda beautiful.
I found that cute 💖
I thought I was the only one that heard that. I was looking for this comment!
Haha... yes Bon Bon ! She’s always got my back. 😊
That was a true indicator that these two are a team
yes ALLAT!
1. Be curious, not critical = appreciate difference
2. Be careful, not crushing = fight or flight is selfish -> conflict boundaries -> care for the other
3. Ask, don’t assume = discussing issues
4. Connect, before you correct = communicate value and appreciation, holding back on criticism, people stay where they feel valued
That's a pretty good summary right there, @Clyde! I could suggest a handful of tweaks but the point is once you understand WHAT to do, the next and more important step is to build understanding of HOW to actually develop the habits and then start practicing them daily. We have a range of blogs, free and discounted resources on our "the4habits" site that can help. Wishing you all the best in all your relationships.
Thank you
100% thank you for the Ted talk. I am sure it has helped and influenced many people !
great!
I suppose maybe just be you and make sure you tell you, what you really want and need too. Thank you for these talks!
We need more dating/relationship coaching like THIS instead of all these male and female "dating coach" profiles teaching you how to string the other along or manipulate each other emotionally. This was refreshing!!
Glad you liked it, @Frederick Kitt. Wishing you all the best...
VERY TRUE!!
100%
Very true
I agree
1. Be curious, not critical
2. Be careful, not crushing
3. Ask, don’t assume
4. Connect, before you correct
You’re welcome! (The speech is great nonetheless)
Thank you.
Thank you so much Sara!
Saviour I don’t have enough data 😂😂😂
Thanks ! The intro goes on forever
thank you, the speech is confusing, 15 min for tax payers or so and rachel and idk, didn't have the patience.
MY PARENTS!!!!
I am so proud of what you have achieved. Keep it up.
Edit: For those wondering, my mother is indeed Jamaican, my father is from Sierra Leone.
Usually it’s the parents who are proud of their child, not the other way round!
@@squeaks27 Lol
Random Commenter it goes both ways for this family
Isaac Taylor-Cummings they came to lochinver
Awww love this
Wouldn't it be so good if we would learn this at school ? My life would have been a lot easier and less painful. Who agrees?
This would be WAY more useful than algebra. I never used it 35 years ago and going back to school was the ONLY time I did.
Yeahhh precisely there should be some academic subjects on things like this
I couldn't agree more, @Womens Wisdom School! In fact, that was precisely one of the drivers behind the charity we recently registered with the UK Charity Commission, with a vision to get this kind of equipping into Schools, Colleges and Universities, as well as lots of other local community groups. Find out more and perhaps even get behind our efforts to equip as many adults and children as possible with essential relationship skills - starting with the first 1 million people over the next 10 years - at our "Soulmates Academy Foundation" website. Meanwhile, thanks for anything you can do to help us get the word, and the equipping, out there...
Yes, I agree that we need some curriculum about relationships in high school.
@@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823 But Algebra, respectivly maths in general, did help you build up to think in a certain way, further it helps people really understanding and applying concepts, generalize problems.
I dont wanna totally defend our school system, but i also do not think we should teach stuff like this instead of algebra, altough i may understand, even not fully, why this could be helpful taught in school
*This also highlights the importance of choosing a partner with values and beliefs that are compatible with yours. Attraction and even love isn’t enough to maintain happiness in a relationship.*
You're so right about that and I've found the best way to know is to listen to the early signs during the dating stage. It can be hard to admit when someone's not right for you but it's a great fence at the top of the cliff, and hopefully avoids having to call an ambulance at the bottom. Another good TED Talk is called Select the Right Relationship....I recommend checking it out if you haven't seen it!
Not according to The Lobster
Its hard to dig deep enough into a person's value system in the dating phase, you'll get some valuable insights but never enough or all. Its part of the reason why even people who've dated for donkey years still have marital issues around values.
What are similar values and beliefs
Hard to find someone with same values. Been looking for 8 years. Compatible values AND attractive are rare gems apparently
U can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that got u there - Einstein
Not sure that was Einstein Tijaduno
Tijaduno wow. This is the first time I heard this. So simple but so profound
È
“Insanity - doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result”
-also Einstein
I just came from another Ted Talk which had that quote. Co-ink-e-dink.
Man, this is true. My husband and I broke up after four years together, were apart for three years, and then we got back together and have been strong af since. We decided right then that we were gonna go balls to the wall with honesty and love. We went to a therapist and got alot of this information, how to fight constructively, how to stay calm, how to communicate without anger. He is my best friend and we love each other deeply.
Ahhh... how lovely to hear it, @Sarah Pedro! In 20 years of working in this space we've come across another 2 other couples with not too dissimilar stories - although they went the whole 9-yards of going through divorce and having other partners... before getting back together again! The funny part is they never stopped LOVING each other... they just had to learn how to start LIKING each other again! Once they did that, living together wasn't such a problem anymore. All the best to you both...
I am so happy for you. and hopeful for tomorrow... thank you!
That is just awesome to hear! It is always so great to see love winning out. As the ancient text puts it "People perish for lack of knowledge". If only more people could just learn & start practicing these habits. You guys keep strong and keep fighting the good fight...
I'm of the "Trust no one, Scully" school of relationships, myself. I only buy it if I see physical proof of such. Lol
I hope something similar happens to us too 😩 We have been together for 6+ years and we had a really hard year this year - financially, emotionally, each one personally with childhood trauma and triggers.. - so I exploded and left him.. And he ran away into a new relationship.. 💔 And I have been doing the healing for the past couple of months.. and I hope that I get the chance to help him too ~ couples therapy would be magical for us. Because we are sooo good together. And live is there.. but we just had a fallout.. 😩💔
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and without knowing it, we put ALL these guidelines into our marriage. We talk about our values, we put each other first, we pull closer to each other in hard times and cherish the good times. My Alun is my best friend and I'm so crazy in love with him xx
Awesome, Janet Hill ! You guys appear to have landed on your feet. Would love to know, did you have great parental role models or learn some other way? Either way, keep up the excellent work.
Janet Hill yes it is magic when you don't have to WORK at the relationship you LIVE FOR EACH OTHER! Each and every day is about rejoicing in our love!!!
You got yourself a good one!
I’m so happy for you. You are very fortunate. He is very lucky to have you.
May God continue to bless your union. All the best always 😀
Is he really your best friend or do you have a girlfriend whos also your best friend? The title of "best friend" is usually only supposed to be occupied by one person
She quietly whispered “mental health” to get him back on track while still nodding in agreement. That’s love ❤️
Hi Vanessa.
You look interesting to talk to
Can we be friends if you don't mind
Communication. That's it. That's the only thing everyone needs to do to have good/great relationships, assuming you have a certain level of compatibility of course. My wife and I have the best relationship there is and much of that has to do with the fact that we tell each other EVERYTHING. We never ever lie (not even about tiny things), we never fight (not the same as never arguing), and we have a rule that we always assume the other is acting out of helpfulness and love. It is utterly impossible to have a good relationship of any real depth without communicating well. Communication requires vulnerability, which I think is a big reason why many people aren't great at it.
Couldn't agree more @B May... at the end of the day, the 4 Habits do each help couples improve the way they communicate 1) when expectations are unmet, 2) in conflict situations, 3) when they don't see eye to eye on important matters, and 4) in the face of different emotional needs. Sounds like you guys have it all together! Keep shining.
@@jonathantc-the4habits157 Thanks! Yeah, we have one of those one in a million relationships; we've been together 6 years and miss each other every day before we come home. Few couples have this thought: we both have felt that we'd rather die before the other person, just so we wouldn't have to be without the other, and we consider this a selfish thing. Anyway, yes, communication is the most important thing in all relationships, and you're right, the stuff mentioned in this video is essentially stating that, just with specifics. It's sad that people just assume that fights are a part of all relationships, but they're not, they're evidence of a breakdown in communication.
I'd go even further to say proper and healthy communication. Because you can be very clear in what you're trying to communicate, but that doesn't mean it's in a proper or healthy way.
@@asha_vere I'm not sure what you mean. If you're saying that communication needs to be done with each others' communication style in mind, then sure. But if you mean that people need to sugar-coat things, then definitely not. I am usually a very straightforward/blunt person, as I think that the best way to handle difficult truths is head-on. I don't shy away from such things, because changing how they're talked about doesn't help the problem, it just obfuscates. I do recognize that others aren't the same as me, and I try to keep differences in mind when communicating, but I consider sugar coating the truth to be a form of lying.
That's it!!
My husband and I have been together 14 years. I'm always willing to hear and learn new things on becoming a better wife.
True! But it’s only work when both sides have self-awareness and willing to make a change!
True that you get the best results when both parties are open to learn and change. That's why we strongly encourage that couples learn and start practicing these habits as soon as possible and ideally before they start facing major challenges.
DANA SHEMESH IFBB PRO - Miss Israel yeah you have to have two pretty open willing people.
Yes !!!
DANA SHEMESH IFBB PRO - Miss Israel absolutely
This is the missing piece. I tried this approach with my last boyfriend - it's just how I am - but he's a narcissist. There was no hope.
Intentional Relationship Habit
1. Be curious, not critical (invest in the time to consider the different thinking ability)
2. Be careful, not crushing. (learn how to work together, honor, respect vs react)
3. Ask vs assume (communication we respect)
4. Connect before you correct (be deliberate to find a meaningful moment in the relationship)
Good summaries in general, @Anastasia J... but suggest #2 is more about taking care of each other when emotions are running high, and #4 is more about finding ways to, on purpose, show them how much they mean to you.
I did not know healthy relationships were a benefit to public health. I like this video. It’s very important.
Absolutely @E Williams! And the silver lining to the cloud is that it means governments are finally beginning to take investing in helping people develop healthy relationships seriously. We had the privilege of sparking a debate in UK Parliament earlier this year when Mental Health Awareness Week and Marriage Week coincided in the UK for the first time ever. You can find more details on our website (under the What's On section) if you search for Soulmates Academy.
@@jonathantc-the4habits157 .I'm interested how the figure £51 bn a year was arrived at. Seeing that mental health is starved of funds.
@@silverlinings3946 sorry for slow response. It's a good question. The bulk of it is social housing. Check out the full details in the actual report produced by the Marriage Foundation. You should be able to find it by googling Marriage Foundation research 51bn. All the best...
@@jonathantc-the4habits157 that's a bit disingenuous to make the connection. It is not convincing to me that it should be treated as a cost allocated to mental health. And it is possibly in the interest of Marriage Foundation to choose this figure to frighten people away from relationship which makes them very unhappy, to actually make them feel guilty if they seek to remove themselves from a very unhealthy situation.
If people are unhappy in marriage and stay in this situation, there grows a next generation of people unsuited to healthy partnership. As my friend, with a PhD in child psychology said, it is much better for a child to see separated happy parents than unhappy parents living together.
That child then has a better chance to enter in a relationship with someone better suited for them, than try to mould himself or herself into a relationship with someone incompatible.
@@silverlinings3946 you appear to have blended two points. What I believe we said was that apart from the obvious emotional impact on the individuals concerned and their nearest and dearest, relationship breakdown is a huge problem, costing the government c£51bn p.a. And that relationship breakdown has also been highlighted by the Mental Health Foundation as a huge contributor to Mental Health, especially in Teens. Find their 2016 report by Googling mental health foundation relationships 21st century. I totally agree that it is better for children to see their parents apart and happy than together and constantly miserable. Unfortunately though, a great many couples don't know HOW to live together happily - we believe many people get stuck like that and the work we do shows them how to get over inevitable hurdles in relationships so that they benefit, any children benefit, their employers benefit, society benefits, etc. Hope that helps clarify.
“You cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking that got you there”
❤️❤️
Way to be a pro - inter talking and here's the secret to an ideal relationship - maths: 51% one partner, 49% pair partner. 60%/40% maximum rarely. 😇
what you said makes total sense. thx for your epxerince !! my experience from bed is trying natural drops spanish fly (my best friend recommended it to me) and i feel like god after 5 drops of it . i thought it is nonsence but actually it hepled me a lot
wow i also tried these natural aphrodisiacs w my husband actually. i just have to say that i can see great results and potential there. for me and others it's the future
Hi Heather,you look interesting to talk to...
Can we be friends if you don't mind
I love how she feed him his line...Have each others back!! Great talk.
teamwork
Ask and not assume is a huge one for me.
Glad to hear it resonating, Marvin! Keep building all 4 habits and you'll reap the rewards.
They all work together.. you must fill in the blanks to get rid of assumptions.. we all assume to a certain degree.. and rightfully so
I am a highly spiritual women. I am now 28months a widow after 35 yrs together. As I reflect on our time together the most significant action I took when ever we were in trouble over my head, was prayer. Asking for the higher power to help. It worked like magic.
There is a power greater than ourselves. Compassionate, merciful and wise. One need not be religious to call on this remarkable awesome force for intervention.💗💕🙏
Im not highly spiritual. But I agree 100%.. Prayer gives some power and wisdom somehow
With you on that, @Joanne Goodman! In my experience, prayer is often a very useful time out to reflect on situations, remember a bigger picture and come back with a better mindset.
Beautiful and so very true
Agreed.. but it's also our duty to seek knowledge.. seek and find out more about our one true Creator.. the oneness and beauty of God Almighty. For this material world is but just a short distraction and our ultimate goal should be to be happy in the hereafter.
“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” ~Kirkegaard
The Irony is most people here don't have enough patient to go through 16 minutes video but want to keep a good relationship. POOAAAA
That is precisely one of the thoughts I found so odd initially! Sadly we live in very much an "instant" culture. Keep investing and you will reap the rewards.
😂😂😂
I can see where you are coming from, but would really hate to generalise or group all people as just a whole instead of individualizing them as they should be. Some may not be working on just for example, "Relationships," so as you said, would not spend the 16 minutes to watch said clip, but if you were to fill the same 16 minutes with information on "Rock hunting" and that was what they felt they needed, well I'm pretty sure that not only would they watch, listen, and hear the information presented to them, at some later time, incorporate in their own lives and also share the value gained with others.
@@mitchellhammond4509 yes. They aren't in a committed relationship with TEDx or this TH-cam video, for example.
So me.... I was wondering when they would get to the four habits already.
both people must be committed to growing together otherwise someone gets outgrown
Agreed. It is absolutely the commitment to "growing together" and especially through the inevitable challenges of life, that's important.
agreed and that hurts
I love the mutually supportive body language ... walking the talk
Good point. Love how they hold a space for each other by turning towards the other & listening intently with eyes & ears
It is as you say, where are you from if I may ask
My parents are in a hard place right now, they are constantly angry at each other, fight about silly things, and be disappointed in each other. They are taking zero effort to work it out. So, my elder sister, my younger brother, and I took it on our hands to solve the issue. We cannot bear this any longer. I am watching these videos to prepare myself to talk to them about it and help them understand the problem and solve it. I really hope they can work it out. They cannot have a proper conversation or understand each other. Instead, they will just lash out at each other which always ends with either one or both of them being hurt. I am going to suggest these habits and hope it will work out. The talk was really useful for preparing myself, hope it will solve the issue too.
What a lovely daughter you are to them! :)
great kid, hope it went well
I found that recording them and showing them later when they have calmed down helps one to fully understand the impact.
How did it go?
You are a brave and intelligent child. Your parents are doing something right.
People simply don't know how to love each other which is why videos like this are essential. And not loving yourself leads to choosing the wrong partner. love in action is a constant practice let's keep learning 💗🙏
1. Be curious Not critical => No one is perfect. Don't just look to negative side, see the positive beauty too.
2. Be careful Not crushing => fights are very common and very normal. Don't be me center (my life, my interests,..) Be off center.
3. Ask Don't assume => Instead of making all stories (assumptions) just go and have a talk (ask)
4. Connect Before you correct => understand him/her, understand the situation, the feelings, the things they are going through Before you judge them.
Line 1 -> You can't solve a problem with the save level of thinking that got you there.
Line 2 -> People go where they feel welcome But stay where they feel valued.
Those are things I understood
Feedbacks are welcome.
The Four Habits:
1. Be curious, not critical
Invest in the time to consider the different thinking ability
Helps appreciate each others strengths
2. Be careful, not crushing.
Reprogramming fight/flight to go from self-centric to us-centric
Learn how to work together
Respect vs react
Boundaries/rules of war
3. Ask vs assume
Communicating what respect/love ect means to us
What are our expectations
What does our ideal relationship look like
Getting good at having productive conversations
4. Connect before correct
Be deliberate to find a meaningful moment in the relationship
Learning how to listen/have a good conversation
Holding back on the need to give “constructive criticism”
Reminding yourself how much you value the other even when you're around them all the time
-"People go where they are wanted but stay where they are valued "
Find meaningful specific ways that bring warmth into the relationship
Nice summary there, @zzleigh128. Next step, make those principles into habits that show up in your daily interactions. Wishing you all the best in your relationships. ADDED: We now have a bunch of free resources available over on our channel to help people go deeper and actually start developing those habits in their relationships. Hope that’s helpful…
Amazing thank you
Unhappiness in marriages also affects children.
Totally agree, Itzel. Finding a way to work things out has benefits on multiple levels.
Divorcees are still unhappy with their relationship with the other parent, still fight at times, and might even talk bad about each other in front of the kids. So getting along is what is best for the kids
@@labrigful We've found that helping people understand WHY other people do/did what they do/did (even if they are a former spouse/partner) brings greater healing to the relationship and everyone benefits.
Exactly my thoughts!
It is the foundation of problem child
When she helps him with his train of thought at 3:33 and whispers “mental health”.....I drank the kool-aid. ♥️♥️♥️
I hope you used sugar lol ❤️
“Drank the kool-aid”🤣🤣🤣 I love it
Investing in relationships
· More curious than critical
· More careful than crushing
· Asking rather than assuming
· Connecting more than we correct
I also love how he looks at her EVERYTIME she speaks...
This was powerful...
Shows he really cares
"You can't solve problems with the same level of thinking" - Einstein
I love how she helped him out when he forgot his part ❤️
Haha, yes Tundi! Teamwork makes the dream work! :)
"We invest on things we value". Indeed!
I appreciate every single one of the last 16 minutes and 42 seconds spent on my smartphone
omg look how they listen to each other
Great modeling
Such an important Talk and one of the best TedX speeches I've seen in seen in quite some time. Couldn't be more perfectly timed with where my wife and I are at in our marriage. Thank you Dr. Andrea and Jonathan!
Thanks Kevin! Really great to get the feedback and hear it spoke to you. In our experience, the sooner people equip themselves and start practicing the habits, the sooner they start getting over the inevitable hurdles of relationships and actually get to really enjoy spending time together. All the best with putting the theory into practice...
That's great to hear Kevin and really encouraging to know its making a difference, which is our hope and prayer. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and all the very best to you and your wife in living out the habits for each other.
Kevin Fremon I agree
Conscious it’s been a while now… but if you’re looking for practical help to actually develop the habits, we’ve now got lots of free resources available over on our channel. Wishing you all the best in your relationships…
The respect they have for one another is everything, it made their love stronger. Thank you!
I found this a much more refreshing offering than the typical:
"We keep on telling men to be better men, and we just simply can't figure out why relationships keep breaking down," one-sided diatribe.
Thank You! 🙏🏼
06:36 Be curious, not critical
09:01 Be careful, not crushing
10:31 Ask, don’t assume
12:06 Connect, before you correct
Preparing for my future husband by educating myself with the opinions of others is awesome! I had no idea that so much information existed!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Well done you for repairing yourself early, @Pia Love. The better prepared you are the better the journey. We've got some free resources on our the 4 habits . com site. Wishing you all the best!
Me too! God bless
This woman has such a pleasant voice. I can listen to her whole day.
The timing of this Talk is impeccable. I asked my husband for a divorce and he's not taking me seriously. When your efforts don't feel valued and the kids are grown, there's no need to stay. Nothing kills a relationship like poor communication.
Sorry to hear of your current challenges, @Cadella Henry. Sounds like you could both do with more of Habit #4 in your relationship, but I would encourage you both do develop ALL 4 and see how quickly they change the way you feel about each other - especially in the empty nest. Wishing you all the best.
brilliant . the world so need this to correct breaking away of marriages , mental health issues on teenagers and adults , breaking away of ideal moral values ,. and look what equality and mutual respect can achieve. bless you two
Thanks Jane beatrice ifeanyi Ejim. The dream is for as many couples as possible to start practicing these habits. We have some FREE resources available (and others at nominal cost) to help people learn HOW TO start developing the habits. Check them out on our website by searching “learn SoulMates Academy”. All the best to you in your relationships...
I needed to hear this more than this couple knows. Extremely insightful & something I will share with my significant other. Thank you ❣️
Truly love yourself at first then you can love others.
This couple's talk is so seamless. Love how they lead and balanced each other. Great speakers.
Bless you, @Holly Herald. We do try to walk the talk. :)
Such a great talk! "People go where they feel welcome but stay where they feel valued.", so many good points made here! ❤️
Ahhh... thank you, Jill. It was a real privilege and joy preparing for and delivering the talk, but so much more satisfying to see it resonating so well now.
It’s a while ago now, but if you’re looking for help to actually develop the habits, we’ve now got lots of free resources available over on our channel. Wishing you all the best in your relationships…
These things don't apply to abusive relationships. Always remember that.
I wanna comment again and say thank you so much you two for this video and this speech. I agree that relationships are so worthy of being invested in rather than chanced upon in the world. I wanna put forth that effort in my life. Thank you ❤️
The lady speaks so calmly, so comforting
Ace! Yes relationships are so hard but rewarding when you value each other’s intentions and commitment
Absolutely @Yewande YorubaGyal! If you can get over the inevitable hurdles, they can be amazing! If you'd like to find out more on the HOW TO front, while we wait for our book to come out in the new year, you can find some free & nominally priced resources on our website... search for "Soulmates Academy".
*romantic relationships are not the only kind of relationship. there are all kinds. the common* *denominator of successful relationships are trust, respect and loyalty.*
Fair to say romantic relationships are not the only kind, @monica Webster, although for most people personal relationship are generally their most important. That said, in our experience, having also worked with parent-child and work colleague relationships, we've found the 4 habits apply equally well there. I'd agree that trust, respect and loyalty are common characteristics of successful relationships - in our experience we've found practicing the 4 habits helps people build each of those.
I was really touched of their speech...I was just crying of listening of their life performance 💔❤
Awww... bless you!
How many families are there where teenagers have mental health problems because the parents stayed together? Millions I'd guess. I'm one of them. It is a mistake to perpetuate the myth that divorce is always bad; guilt-tripping people into staying in abusive relationships is just as toxic as a high conflict divorce. Separation is often a matter of life or death.
Seekingthemiddle Way thank you
Sorry to hear of the impact your family situation had on you, Seekingthemiddle Way. We are absolutely NOT intending to perpetuate the myth that divorce is always bad. In our experience it always has consequences, but so does staying on in the relationship. Each couple has to weigh up the options and decide for themselves. What is clear though is that if they can find a way to work things out and enjoy a healthy relationship, everyone (including children) wins! That's why we want to encourage as many people as people to develop the 4 habits.
Seekingthemiddle Way Dr Laura speaks on giving 100% to your relationships before bailing, EXCEPT in the instances of Abuse, Alcoholism and Adultery.
Yeah they were speaking outside of an abusive relationship as they mentioned.
Obviously they are not telling anyone to stay in abusive situations.. Everyone has to use their common sense...Emotional intelligence..get help or get out. It's about being healthy and happy together.
I will be marrying by beautiful fiance in 2021 and I'm taking all this advice but it helps that I do all of this already and so does she!
Wishing you all the best on your journey of marriage, @Richard j. Marriage is a beautiful institution if you get it right. Make a study of each other early on and it will stand you in good stead.
hey ! Marriage update ?
Yes. When families breakdown the cost to society is great. The impact on children in volved can be devastating. We all have expectations before marriage but the reality is it's hard work and requires a lot of love, commitment and tolerance. Ultimately one makes choices. It's easy to give up when the going gets tough but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and leave. Two people united by the bonds of marriage who are pulling in opposite directions are doomed to failure. It always takes two to tango.
People go where they feel welcome but stay where they feel valued..just beautiful..
Wishing you all the best in keeping the people around you feeling valued, @Sumati. _/\_
Dear Dr Andrea and Jon Taylor-Cummings, thank you. I thank you both immensely. I found your talk on the 4 habits of all successful relationships absolutely uplifting, educative and so insightful. Thank you ever so much for sharing these amazing habits with us all.
1. Be on same page on how to handle $
2. Be on same page on how to raise your kids
3. Agree. On religion
4. Agree on how to deal with in-laws
Totally agree with your first two points, @scott chase! We actually have them down as the next most important #5 & #6 for couple relationships, after #1 to #4 which apply to ALL relationships. We cover your points 3 & 4 in treating each other with RESPECT under Habit #3.
These are great! But maybe numbered as 5-8 instead. Thx!
Agree on religion is one of the most important things that could save a religions. having same beliefs and principles is the key.
I agree
This is amazing to hear familiar voices on TH-cam! Well done you two! You've been an inspiration to me from young 🔥👏🏾
Great advice for all relationships. Fantastic! Thank you!
'We all invest in the things that we value' well said 👏
I just love the way you guys talk, wow wow wow, I definitely practice these rules not knowing how important they are until I got myself listening to you both. This just strengthens every thing
Cultivating mindful habits like this are so crucial for a healthy and passionate relationship. Thank you for sharing this! Would love to see another few million views to ensure the message impacts more of our world. ❤❤
Sometimes personal background , how someone way raised contribute so much in how to handle relationship. If you passed from one family to another without settling with one can really affect how to behave in your marriage esp if your other partner comes from a well organized family. I am living this right now but I have learned to accept that weakness and work with him through it slowly. It's just that he doesn't know how to deal with simple family issues not because he doesn't want but because he never experienced such things before. So background matters alot and always try to know your partner backgrounds. It can save you time to just ignore some things not to fight over.
Totally agree! In our experience, most people are good... they only know what they have seen around them and how their parents and other family members behaved. If they have good examples, great. If not... That's why our drive is to help as many people as possible develop the habits that we have observed really make a difference. All the best in your relationships...
I’d like to see us talking more about healthy relationships and counseling, culturally. It’s one of the most important things and we seemingly discuss it little.
Couldn't agree more, @Beau Peterson. We need to get over the stigma and talk about what is impacting many of us the most.
I’ve been searching for solutions to help in my relationship. I’m also a Senior TED Fellow. I’ve been watching TED and TEDx talks since 2007. This was an excellently crafted talk for two. It exemplifies the content they communicate so well. It also offers simple yet valuable insights and lessons through a simple story arch. Excellent TEDx talk worthy of the TED mainstage. Do you all have a book out? It reminds me of a fav quote. “Intentionality without habituality is empty. Habituality without intentionality is dead.”
Our book is now available from all good bookstores. Same name - The 4 Habits of ALL successful relationships 🙏🏽
I have a strong belief that in order that the relationship thrives, each stake holder must take care that the other one grows personally and for that to happen they should, first of all be okay with the way the other person is. Wanting the other person be your way is a subtle way of controlling him/her and then there's no opportunity to grow on a personal level.
Totally agree that we need to learn to respect and value differences and not try and change people to be more like us! It's very difficult to take responsibility for someone else's growth though. Better that each person takes responsibility for their own, albeit we support each other through the process. Thanks for sharing.
Congratulations again to my fellow TEDx SquareMile speakers, truly an inspiration to watch and know how genuine your love and strength of relationship is in person.
Aww, bless you Jillian Kowalchuk! It was such an inspirational day. Real privilege to meet and speak alongside all you guys.
I like his last statement, leave the world a better place for the generations to come. Truly our behavior and choices have an effect on our children.
4 Rules to follow for a successful relationship here.
I believe, whatever the rules are, both should follow the same set of rules, could anyhow be automatically comfortable & understanding for the other person.
You sure are truly lovely, intelligent people doing a wonderful work for families. May Yahweh bless you and yours!
Listeners and wisdom seekers, listen: it is true. I know from making the mistakes.
I can not thank you enough!
I am fascinated by the way you explain everything! Calmly, without hurry! It was a heart-to-heart communication rather than face-to-face. I guess your ability of connecting with so many people can tell a lot about your own relationship and your professional experience! I can not wait to be a Part of Your Soulmates Academy))
Ahhh... bless you @Muyassar Sarrarova! Here's hoping some of our resources will add real value to your relationships.
I feel like #4 has kept us together, when other 3 have broken down. We starting to learn to use #3 more and ask for help (far from perfect but we are getting there). We both struggle on different levels with #1 and #2 (I blame the fact we both come from divorce families, with very little examples long and happy marriage, but we determined to be one of them). But we know not to stand in each other way and encourage each other to find our inner happiness and be there for one another when that’s a struggle. Thank you for reminder in where we need to work on, because at times that can be struggle to pinpoint too.
I really loved this. I do love self help and working on loving oneself and building oneself up. I get that. But let's be honest with ourselves, the relationship piece is a big piece of the life pie and it matters. We can't bypass it. I love how this video seeks to address the issues that stop everyone from having connection and they don't attempt to bypass it. They are also together in a healthy marriage and proof of their own pudding. VERY well done.
😮😮😮😅😅😅😅
Thank you! This really gave me some great places to start 💕
Wow indeed an amazing insight in relationship issues,, it has helped me understand more on some if the little things we neglect in relationships or the fears that then inhibit the four guidelines thank you for the session 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Thank you so much. I need to apply these four habits to my relations today. So I may have a successful tomorrow.
People always say what you don't know won't hurt you but in relationships it won't help you either. You have to put the time in effort into learning the person you decided to be with.
This is a great discuss. Being intentional
This was so BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you so much for Sharing this video,and thank these two for sharing their gifts!!!💙💙💙
Thanks TheMmiguelito! The dream is for as many couples as possible to start practicing these habits. We have some FREE resources available (and others at nominal cost) to help people learn HOW TO start developing the habits. Check them out on our website by searching “learn SoulMates Academy”. All the best to you in your relationships...
So I think knowing facts and understanding each other s problems too helps us a lot
#1. Be curious, not critical
#2. Be careful, not crushing
#3. Ask, don’t assume
#4. Connect, before you correct
YOU CAN LEARN ANYTHING IF YOU WANT TO
Excellent talk. This should be prerequisite material for all relationships. Great work🙏🏾.
Really warms my heart to see God using you guys to salvage marriages! Forever blown away by the wisdom He gives to His children when it comes to marriage & realationships. Reminds me how much it matters to Him 💪🏾
Bless you Louise Attzs! There’s no question the need is real. Our hope & prayer is that people will begin to take the proactive action necessary to make a difference.🙏🏾
Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.
Great example of assumptions from past experiences "What planet are your from???" Loved it
My girlfriend broke up with me on Feb 9th. It wasn't healthy I was most of the problem looking back. I had so much angry from everywhere in my life and self hate and depression anxiety and grew content with where I was and lost all hope I had for myself to be a better man. She felt this and eventually she had to leave, she said " It feels like I've been watching my best friend kill them selves over the last few years" and she couldn't take it anymore. We were best friends for about 4 years before we started dating. And dated for 2.5 years. My goal is to be the best man I've ever been every day and hopefully she will see that one day and we can try again. Because we are worth fighting for.
Thank you for this brilliant talk!Its so easy to understand and the message is profound!
Thank you so much, @Thresia! It is so encouraging to get feedback like this and to see the talk continuing to resonate so well. If you'd like to go deeper with the content, we have some blogs and other free and discounted resources on our "the4habits" website which can help. Wishing you all the very best in your relationships...
What a great presentation Ted X.
The way he looks at her as she talks is so nice, I like that
This was so helpful. Thank you.
Thanks for commenting, @L Newman. In case you'd like to find out more detail on HOW TO actually develop the habits in your relationships, we have a number of resources available on our website which you can find by googling "learn soulmates academy 4 habits courses". And to celebrate hitting 100,000 views yesterday (21 Aug 2019) we currently have a special 7-day offer going! Hope that helps...
Lovely talk....I guess it all comes down to being respectful, which often gets eaten up by anger and sadness. I have been working on not reacting - it is a good start.
This is a really good Ted Talk.
Recently, I found myself agonizing on how I could keep my relationship with my best friend. He was the first one to approach me back when we were strangers and opened up and the rest was history. We talked a lot, chatted, and called. The thing is though our work’s nature required us to be flexible to be reassigned on places at least once every six weeks. We were only together for 3 months before I got transferred. We still kept in touch, maybe even more so.
Fast forward to now, and I find myself insecure in our friendship as circumstances arose. Just had a fight a week ago (Right after christmas! Ikr?) and I started it because I felt like he kept dismissing me when in fact I just miss him dearly. Maybe I was bordering on codependency or have an anxious attachment style but he’s known me as an overthinker as I do know him as well.
These habits hopefully would make me a better friend to such an incredible guy.
I know you won’t see this bro but I love you. You’re a brother to me.
Very informative and helpful. Thank you.
Wow wow wow! This is is just so timely for my relationship. The tone in their conversation is so taming. Love you
Ahhh... bless you, @Ritah! If you'd like to find out more, check out our brand new book of the same title, now available at Amazon and other good booksellers. Wishing you all the best.
Good relationship is a characteristic of a good happy life. That was the answer found by the longest (75 years) study done at Harvard on happiness. A Ted Talk on that is available. Type:
'What makes a good life? The longest study on happiness'. Presented by Robert Waldinger (he's not really active but present on Twitter: @robertwaldinger)
4 tips of this talk are:
1) Be curious, not critical
2) Be careful, not crushing
3) Ask, don't assume
4) Connect, not correct
Anyone reading this best of luck in doing hard and smart work coupled with tendency to put ideas into action and in living a compassionate life!