The Bear (Hulu): A Case Study In Toxic Family Dynamics
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Quick reminder that the writer for The Bear lived below the poverty line while writing it and is on strike now.
As have many of us that have had to work those in between jobs we hated to make ends meet.
I will say this; the writers of The Bear are actually talented...
@@Water_is_Sacred777Poverty line is lower than most ppl think... its $14,580/year for single individual, not much more for families. That is less than $1,250 a month. That is less than minimum wage full time. If you work full time you are not under poverty line.
@@AliciaGuitar There's official poverty, and there's actual poverty. Both suck. Having one poverty line for a country as big as the US, where you can survive in one state and be homeless in another, isn't helping anyone.
@@AliciaGuitarHow does this apply to my comment? I am a retired Human Services government worker and am aware of the guidelines for poverty. My point was in response to OP's comment upthread: I had times in my youth when I had to do in between jobs that I didn't want to do to make ends meet. The workers in the entertainment industry are going to have to do the same. The US is experiencing a great need for workers in many industries.
Unless someone is a trust fund baby or being supported by another with a lot of money, a full stable life can't be sustained on vanity projects. IMO.
Yes! Thanks for calling this out! These writers are amazing and deserve to be paid fairly for their great work.
What I found brilliant about Donna is that she *didn't* exhibit overt, obvious verbal abuse many of us are used to seeing in film & TV: e.g., no "I hate you." "I wish you were never born," etc. Instead she put her children in charge of managing & regulating her depression, self-destructive substance abuse, her anger, self-victimizing, & self-loathing.
Fear, obligation, guilt, & pity are never what a child of any age should be made to feel for their parent. No young *or* adult child should ever be forced into a position of parenting their parent. Parentification *is* abuse - and in the case of many who have a waif Borderline parent, the only difference between this parent & Jamie Lee Curtis' portrayal is volume.
Dr. Ramani I just stopped in to say thank you. Your videos helped me take my children and flee from my abusive husband. You literally saved our lives. Thank you 🫂
The best choice of your life! All change is hard, especially this kind of change. Keep encouraging yourself, you are your own best friend
❤️
Outstanding awareness and courage!
Your kids will have witnessed you reclaiming your life and saving theirs!
It's a relief and a blessing! You and your family deserve to be safe. Peace, stability, and harmony over chaos! Self love is vaccine to emotional chaos. 🙏❤️
How Your Childhood Trauma Effects Your Love Choices Jonathon Aslay ♥️
What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? by Jonathon Aslay❤️
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman is transformative
I think Jamie Lee Curtis deserves an Emmy for her portrayal of that terrifying mom. Because I’ve never seen a better, more visceral representation of what it’s like to have an unhinged, abusive parent. And I feel weirdly grateful to have a character to point to that makes it immediately understandable what my childhood was like. Jamie Lee understood the assignment and she didn’t hold back.
On the upside, for as hard as that episode was to watch, the one that had me weeping was Richie’s episode. Seeing him realize he’d been cheating himself out of a better life and then grow to respect himself and feel proud of himself-I couldn’t stop crying. It was so touching and poignant.
Yes to all of this! Richie absolutely breaks my heart.
Yeah omg I love him! He’s one of my favorite characters that’s cams brother right? He tried so hard to get that culinary job but didn’t get it and the guy coaching him didn’t even bother trying to help him out. Plus he studied hard and everything
Oh that guy was on the show Girls by the way it’s worth the watch!
Agree. Every single thing.
I agree with everything you’ve written!
I am a domestic violence counsellor in Australia. I have spent the last three weeks listening to Dr Ramani’s podcast and TH-cam videos relentlessly, and I cannot express how much the knowledge I have gained has improved my therapeutic skills when supporting survivor’s. I now suggest to all of my clients that they listen to Dr Ramani’s content. Thank you so much Dr Ramani for investing so much of your energy to educate and empower people on narcissistic abuse.
As a DV survivor in the U.S., thank you for caring enough as a professional to educate yourself about narcissism, and inform your clients. The professionals I sought help from are clueless and more interested in victim shaming....
I am a DV surviver in Australia. I lear8aboit Dr. Ramani during one of the Workshops that I took whilst we were still in the Shelter. Just needed to pass by to congratulate you and the commitment you are showing with your clients.
Good to hear. You will help many, and save lives. I too am from a country town in Victoria. I called a DV group in my town and was told to use my disability pension to book a hotel, sure no problems, I don't get enough for medicines and food, but they thought I had a couple of hundred 💰 for a getaway, they told me because I didn't have children there was no crisis support for me. The cops retraumatised me by screaming at me to get out, as it was the abusers home, they ignored me although I was covered in blood, and he wasn't. One cop, a woman contempteously told me it was my own fault for staying. The jaw dropping cruelty and stupidity was shocking. The abuser was my elderly father and he was using me as a punching bag because I was an easy target, a heart attack survivor, i needed him and the family home, as I couldn't work. My father threatened me with losing my future inheritance to my narc sister if I didn't stay and take care of him. She has been given everything now, why? Because she was the only one left, so he needed her around, a sweetner. Also she has a husband and sons so she has witness' and backup, where as I dont. He is still lying to relatives saying I attacked him, I've realised he does this so he can cheat God into allowing him into heaven. Selfish to the end.
Family dynamics are years in the making. No one wants to be a DV victim, pls don't judge. Regards and Goodluck.
She’s the best!
I hope more counsellors do this.
I was Sugar in my family. Watching that episode was so harsh to watch. It haunted me afterward.
Severe narcissistic abuse and on-going trauma in childhood and beyond destroys the victim's adult life. Just ruins it.
I feel that
I'm seeing more and more examples of toxic family dynamics - especially narcissism - in mainstream programming. Which seems to suggest that there are so many highly creative people in the world who survived these family/relationship dynamics and these experiences informed their storytelling. And this seems to suggest that the popularity of these shows means that more viewers are attracted to the storylines and find them highly relevant. Concluding that our world is overflowing with toxic, broken people who only continue to sow the seeds of dysfunction. Thank you for shining a light on this emotional blight in our society. The only way to stop it is to see it, understand it, and hopefully work to change it for future generations.
Listen to Dr Ramani view of the "selfie " the first time I heard the term selfie, I thought, how much people live themselves. All about life's and compliments. I have to wonder if these people had their walls covered with wallpaper of themselves before social media. Social media encourages narcissists.
It struck me that (particularly at the dinner table scene) Mikey represented Fight, Natalie represented Fawn, and Carm represented Freeze ~ and in their lives, both sons chose Flight to escape the toxicity (ie re Mikey, the addiction, and then suicide)… it was such a powerful episode, brilliantly portrayed..
Interesting insight 🤔
😮❤
Jesus Christ ur right 😢
Sugar also froze when the car was drove in the house. Also I feel bad for her as the only daughter because narc moms with daughters are a nightmare.
How was Natalie ever supposed to tell someone that her family mocks her by calling her "Sugar"? It's so insidious to give a kid a cruel nickname that sounds sweet. As someone who got one of those, it's a lifelong trigger.
😢❤
My mother and brother gave me a nickname that was derogatory because I was a better swimmer than they were. It happens.
Right. I felt for her. I always use to laugh along with my family as they used my derogatory nickname, trying to be funny, while they made fun of me. I now see it as that. The mean nickname they diminished me to. I loved the show The Bear and I think one reason is, it can be so relatable for some of us, fortunately yet unfortunately.
I used to work with a lady like that that would put me down I never had a nickname but she was brutal. Ugh sorry you went through that a negative nickname sounding positive is sad
Johnny Depp's mother called him "One Eye" because doctors thought he had a lazy eye and made him wear an eye patch to strengthen the other one throughout his childhood. JD's sister spoke about the abuse at the Amber Heard trial (Repetition compulsion kind of explains why Johnny went on to try and appease a scornful, miserable woman who ultimately wanted to destroy him and his career). The sister testified, “She called us names, we each had our own set of special names. Mine was Violet, that is my father’s mother and my mom hated my father’s mother."
Jeremy Allan White was also in Shameless (US version), which was also a great example of toxic family dynamics - the father an alcoholic, the mom a drug addict. Oldest daughter had all the hallmarks of an abused/neglected caretaker of the family. Really good show - White is so good at this type of character.
I could not watch Shameless at all because of the disgust it brought up in me.
This show was so similar to my life till I was 18. It was hard to watch at times but I felt less alone.
J.A W. was wonderful in both. I wish they pinged him to be Willy Wonka in the new movie. He would make a wonderful younger Gene Wilder. IMHO
We has an aunt we called Aunt P.
I thought it was “pea” but no, Aunt P’s name came from the fact that she urinated the bed until she was 14. This is aunt is a shell of herself, understanding that she married into a terribly narcissistic system. Her real name is Iris. How we got from the beautiful flower, to she who wees the bed , speaks to what my family is like.
It’s a relief to see, shows that reflect some of the dynamics in my family. At the same time it’s extremely painful. I know I’m not alone, and it hurts to know that there are so many of us have been hurt by gratuitous cruelty.
Bedwetting into adolescence can be a sign of deep trauma. Poor Iris.
Wow. I'm so sorry - to you and your Aunt Iris - that you have to endure such toxicity.
What a story, you have the seeds of a beautiful writer
My family has a Grandma Dodo, and my cousin and I used to call each other Barn Dogs [we weren't allowed to cuss so that was the worst thing we could think to call each other]. Most of my family are narcissists and enablers.
😢😢😢
I CANNOT thumbs up this enough! I work in a restaurant, and had a screamy abusive mother that made me feel never good enough. I thrive in a chaotic kitchen environment, a lot of us do. CPTSD and hyper vigilance needs a bonkers atmosphere in order to stay revved up. We drink caffeine all day and go home to drink alcohol till we fall asleep because our brains wont shut off so we can relax. We work 6 to 7 days a week, and cram all of our personal business and relationships into a few hours a week so we can keep everyone at arms length. But the kitchen is a therapy, and helps us to build confidence. Working is the only excuse we can morally justify to avoid people that doesn't make us feel like awful people. I know I don't speak for all kitchen workers and chefs, but I do know that in the 17 years I've done kitchens, I've met more people like me than I have anywhere else. So if you know a restaurant worker like this, chances are, they just need a hug and a kind word. They'll look at you funny, but somewhere deep in there, a little piece of ice will melt off of their heart.
I feel like this relates to the entertainment industry, as well. We all work multiple jobs, have lots of quick deadlines and ridiculous expectations put on us. The environment feels rushed and everyone is living off of caffeine (or other substances).
Yes yes yes
Restaurant business is entertainment industry ground floor. I’ve done both. It’s the same process people more or less
❤
Hugging the ice off a heart. ❤
I am autistic, and have other associated issues, including lack of co-ordination and connective tissue issues. My mother would delight in mocking me out of the blue by mentioning my late physical milestones. "Oh " she would sneer, "You didn't work out how to walk until you were (x) months old" One day she said it to me in front of her mother . Grandma retorted "WELL NEITHER DID YOU!" Mum lost her shit.
Lol... same here but my mom mocked me for dyspraxia (uncoordinated) and said everything bad like that i got from my dad, not her. I also have Crohns and she avoided the dr for years for her own problems. When she finally went they had to remove a bunch of polyps. Guess i got my poop problems from her after all 😂 i am sure she is very proud
I'm so sorry that happened to you! My father called me stupid as a kid and to this day I feel insecure about my abilities. Sadly the things we hear from caregivers stay with us and become things we have to work on. It's even more sad when these things get passed on!
That's horrible. I'm so sorry you endured that. My mother mocked me too. Women like that aren't mother's, they're monsters.
That’s exactly how narcissists work though. It has nothing to do with you. She’s taking her self hatred out on you.
Regardless of any issues you may have, you’re better than her and she’s incredibly jealous of you. She’s jealous that you’re a good person and she isn’t. She’s jealous that you embody love and she embodies hate.
She’s trying to break you down so you come down to her level. But you’re stronger than she is too 😊
@@AliciaGuitara sense of humor in these situations is a life saver
S2 episode 7 - Forks : This hit me deep… it’s gonna be on replay. I’ve been shutting down and withdrawn, lacking energy and motivation because I’m starting at square 1 at age 45 after divorcing an narcissistic abusive family but struggling to parent kids struggling in that narcissistic family. The talk with the chef of the top notch restaurant… her words describing failing and losing everything, standing still in the rain and finding the sign to try again hit me to my core. It’s never to late to give yourself another chance to find your way.
The head chef describing why she peals mushrooms herself, finding herself unemployed angry depressed at 38 after loosing everything she had worked so hard for but found it in her to realize it’s never too late to start over. Anyone going through the paralyzing exhaustion after leaving an abusive relationship where you are broken down after years of high anxiety and stress always on high alert and losing yourself, your career, your dreams in the process… I needed that episode. ❤ Every Second Counts ❤
I believe in you
Thank you ❤ all the best to you
My childhood Christmas eve’s were horrible. Abusive and controlling father, and an alcoholic mother. I don’t remember a Christmas when I didn’t end up crying. This show is brilliant, but that particular episode was very difficult to watch. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for your thoughtful and brilliant analysis. ❤️🇨🇦Love from Canada.
I hope you have found a new loving and supportive family 🖤
my dad nicknamed me “whale belly” during an pre-adolescent growth spurt in which I gained a little weight and was sensitive about it. I was 13! He kept it up for years. It probably helped me develop Anorexia…
Damn, that's tough. Seems like you're too aware of it to still be bound by it, but it must hurt still, coming from your own father. I'll just give you a reminder that it was never your fault. And that, from pain, comes wisdom. Wish you the best.
My brothers constantly called me fat when I was already underweight. That led to body dysmorphia and calorie control at a very young age. Families suck.
I’m a pretty blonde. Well, that’s embarrassing putting this out here. Anyway, my brilliant older sister loves to remind me that I’m definitely a blonde. I’m sure she’s on the lookout for put down blonde “jokes “ because she finds it great fun to tell them to me at family gatherings. I’ve told her that I dislike them but they continue. I’ve started not reacting to them, and try to move the conversation on to something intellectual 🧐. My family hasn’t gotten her jabs at me. Denial ? Who knows. At least they treat me well and with care and love. Jeez 🙄
This is what my ex did to his son. He developed an eating disorder too. Wrestling didnt help, but he had disordered eating from a VERY young age. All the siblings STILL believe he was morbidly obese for years thanks to brainwashing. In reality he was only 5 lbs overweight for less than 3 months 🤦♀️
I remember back in college when my dad said I was gaining weight and to me I wasn’t fat I’m like who says that 🤷♀️🙄 then he wonders why I cut all contacts off his way of doing things when I freak out is to “pray about it.” Finally cut off all ties with all my family members and stopped going to church I just kept finding more people worse then my father so finally stopped. No one wants to be around people like this let’s be honest even when I acted out and was dramatic no one wanted to be around me. I never developed any eating disorders I pet it go because I knew I wasn’t fat but it was weird because he just said it out of the blue. Damn 13 though wow you don’t say stuff like that.
I wanted my borderline mom to see this so bad, every single holiday we had was my mom acting just like Jamie Lee Curtis sans driving the car through the house. Even the smoking at the table and not eating herself. That episode was so hard for me. I had a lovely nickname from my mom also. Gave me chills.
The driving part is crazy to me since it brought up a bad memory of my own mom. She was mad at me for asking a ride home versus a ride to my brothers' game and she put her foot on the gas and drove crazy to get back at me I guess?? I swore I was going to die. Still haven't received an apology.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Both of my parents frightened me so much as a child I basically spoke very little and never defended myself to bullying or even physical abuse. I cannot imagine doing to a child (or anyone) the things our parents put us through as children. I wish you healing and peace 💜
I would chew my own arm off before I would encourage my mom to watch that episode. Can you imagine the pyrotechnics? You could have a re-enactment of the whole thing right in your own home.
I found this episode to be stressful. Reminds me of my holiday dinners
Oh boy, as a narc parent survivor this was such a hard watch! But so brilliantly and realistically portrayed by all.
Emmys need an entirely new category for S2 Ep6 and a unique award given to each an every character in this multi layer cake of narcissistic decadence. This scenes’ complicated choreography is unmatched and done by the best ensemble cast I’ve seen in a long, long time🤩
Everything you said! One of the few current series that has superb writing (minus the barrage of curse words).
Totally agree! Unparalleled by anything seen to date.
I have to say it wasnt easy to watch for sure. But it was perfect example of my family. I have a younger brother. And basically he grew up to be sugar and i grew up to be carmie. Our grandma was like that and my mother as well (but she topped it up with alcoholism and she was physically abusive to us too). Took me a lots of shadow work, studies of narcisim amd therapy to undo maybe like 70% of her parenting. Now i use this episode as example when i am trying to explaim to ppl why i dont go home ... this was my everyday life (she would have nice days tho) .. i love the bear and i love your comentary to this ❤
The Bear is a great show because it has a lot of characters trying to be good to each other despite toxic family patterns. They're trying to improve, grow, and pull off something wonderful. Watching them struggle, fail, and succeed makes it really moving and engaging. That and the insider view of the skill, precision, and fortitude required to make great food.
I do wish the would have dived more into the Sue chef past though. I think her name is Roberta. Clearly she’s a great singer but I want to know more about her life
I love the moments of faltering but healthy communication that happen throughout the series. People are learning about new options and better choices, but when we are tired, hurt, hungry, frustrated, etc, we often fall back on the habit first and have to make repairs using the new tools. It's a long slog, but it's really heartening watching these characters go through the slog and also make the gains that come from committing to the challenge of change.
This was the closest depiction of the dynamics in my own family I've ever found. The tension and energy are so high that you feel like it could turn violent at any moment, even when they are talking about something fun. I've been away from it long enough that I was starting to wonder if I missed it. The show gave me just enough of a taste of it to remind me of what we went through and let me know I don't miss it at all.
I do appreciate that I come from a family where emotions weren't suppressed or over regulated. They were most certainly under regulated. They didn't filter anything. That included positive emotion mixed with all the rage, fighting, and violence. Sometimes I miss that level of honesty when many environments seem over regulated to me now. I suppose my nervous system still wonders sometimes why everyone around me isn't yelling at each other. And yet, I've spent my whole life looking for the tranquility that wasn't present in my early life.
Episode 6 was the most intense episode of tv I’ve ever seen. It was brutal to watch and also called to mind the holidays of my youth. I was discussing this with my best friend and she said her family holidays were always fun and that her family all got along with each other and were happy to be together on the holidays. I was absolutely shocked! I thought everybody’s holidays were full of fighting, tension and stress!
Thank you for this recommendation. I am a survivor of a narcissistic mother and can relate to these characters. I believe it's important for those of us who have survived our childhood traumas, especially those of us who needed to excel as a 'safety behavior' (I am an attorney) to share these experiences with others. It is amazing how empowering it is for those of us who carried around the dirty little secrets of our dysregulated families to now connect. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, your videos are extraordinary!
This episode made me feel sick. It hit close too home. The face the daughter made when looking at her mother rage broke my heart
On your recommendation I watched, listened to you and I am very grateful. That is exactly how my family Christmases looked like my father being the narcissist. I like Carmy am excellent at my work and emotionally like you described him.
This is huge help, thank you very much from a 56 year old.
Oh wow! I'm glad you brought up this show! I actually started watching it recently, and then quickly stopped watching it on season 1 episode 3. The toxic dynamics of the kitchen environment really made me uncomfortable, it triggered the same feeling I get when I'm around narcissists, I couldn't watch it anymore. It also reminds me of the way Gordon Ramsey treats people on his show, and how that has apparently become the standard of treatment for people who work in the restaurant industry. Now that you've mentioned it, I think I might go back to it.
That’s so sad that people think it’s ok to treat others this way 🥹
I had the same reaction. Grew up with a narcissistic mother in a chaotic household, and Bear makes my skin crawl. I could watch Succession because it's so far removed from any reality I have ever known.
You should give it a try again if you are comfortable. In the beginning, it is indeed fighting for the sake of fighting and ego battles that are unfortunately normalized in the kitchen, but the show delves deeper into each character. After ep 3, when there is arguing, it's definitely intense but seems more called for. Like there's a trigger or a reason and when grown adults with very different but all terrible coping mechanisms come together to work, it's quite the shit show. Maybe because I've done self-work to not be too triggered by the dysfunctional scenes, I feel more validated and connected watching them, especially Carmy's monologues. It's a testament to the writing though because it could've just been triggering for attention and not resolved anything, but this layered story does. I just finished season 2, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
This all explains why first episode made me feel so anxious and I could not watch whole season through. Because it gave me ptsd from my own family.
Maybe now with objective mindset I can try watching it again. For science and self healing! 💪🏻
The Bear is a hard show to watch....I couldn't watch episode six all at once...I also have to remember to tell myself to breath. I find myself holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop...this 2nd season was brilliant and I can't wait for season 3 of The Bear..and your insights Dr. Ramani are very appreciated.
Ok. I think I need Hulu. I’ve heard about shows on Hulu for years… now that Dr. Ramini loves a show on it. I am on it!! Thank you for all you do!! Your heart and kindness and hard work to help us survivors… you change and save lives. ❤️❤️
It's also on Disney Plus now (just in case you are a subscriber to that already)
Thanks ..I will watch it! Love you so much Dr Romani. You've changed my 43 years of married life. Finally it makes sense. Now the healing begins.❤you are doing you life purpose!!
An angel of truth.
Omg I relate..I survived by writing and singing about my narcissus love life. I produced my orginal cd & opened a voice & piano studio
Such a great show! Def more relatable than Succession. Love your commentary on it Dr. Ramani. So spot on as usual!
This reminds me of when Bethenny Frankel spoke about her mom ruining Thanksgiving (on her show when she got married) and the she herself ruined Thanksgiving with the same narcissistic behavior. Thus the cycle continues.
The Bear is absolute perfection of a show. "FIshes" was in a class all of its own though. That episode was so anxiety inducing, it became hard to breathe at times. To me, while mom did present some Narcissistic PD traits, she was definitely BPD imo. I also think it wasnt just Carmy who had control issues, but Sugar as well. She had no control growing up, so she tried to get it in all other areas of her life. Her job for example. She hates it, yet its something she is good at and its safe. Her husband (and no shade there bc Im team Pete) but its clear she is the one in charge and he is very mild, very even tempered, very kind, all things that she didnt have growing up. As for Carmy, I am glad he is going to the AL Anon group sessions, but he also needs one on one therapy cause he truly has issues to work through.
My Girlfriend has told me that Donna reminds her of my mom, I definitely see her in the character. I related to having to play therapist for a parent at many points (particularly when I was a young child). I've even noticed my father often trying to appease her even when he's blackout drunk.
When I watched that episode I immediately clocked his mom as a narcissist thanks to you! I was like this lady is extremeeee. I’m not sure if you watch reality tv, but I’d love to hear your take on the show “Love Never Lies” they have different seasons based on location, but basically couples have to go and rest to see how truthful they are with one another, the more truthful the couple wins a pot of $100,000. Lies are determined by an eye detector test. It’s really intense, I keep thinking some of the participants have or are narcissistic. I’d love to hear your take
This show did it so well I couldn’t watch through it again. My husband and I came from the same kind of household. Different, but the same.
My heart goes out to the little me, just trying to survive. And to all those little ones stuck in it right now.
Thank you for your channel, and all the work you do to expose these people.
💕
spot on as ever. i really needed to see this show - mommie dearest is just like Donna. Maybe the family who refuse to believe me should watch it. Apparently they can't accept my version of events growing up and into adulthood - as if they'd know. B
Still blows the mind of this scapegoat tbh, but there's still healing to be done. By which time, i'll either confront hers and she won't have the effect she currently does on me, or she'll be dead (she's 82 and still going afaik, i'm no contact with her currently). I'm fine with either scenario by this point. But the hurt is real.
Ty Dr Ramani for helping to make my life easier as well as raising awareness around all of this.
@DrRamani I’d like to bring here a tribute to the late Sinead O’Connor, 100% #truthseer brave, beautiful, perfectly imperfect bard of our time. Talk about communal gaslighting!
Please talk about communal gaslighting of the Truth Seer. 😊❤️
Much love & admiration, Stephani
Ok I had to go watch the show first. Yes, it's brilliant so far. I actually think it's helping me deal with my own grief from the loss of one narc parent and the selfish attention-seeking of the surviving one. That scene with the mom threatening to shoot herself in the kitchen at a family gathering literally happened to me. It never fails to amaze me how those of us from toxic families have had many of the exact same experiences. All narcs really do run on a shitty script.
Thank YOU Ramani for another episode! You’ve helped so many of us to understand narcissism abuse is what we have been experiencing. I hope blessings will continuously coming your way
The seven fishes episode was the most stressful tv show episode I have ever seen. So incredibly acted. I couldn’t look away. But man it was rough to watch.
I'd really love to hear your take on the "Ice Chips" episode from season 3.
I felt sheer panic when the other casserole showed up. I lived this, any deviation from the plan was a cause for my mother to snap, but we were always guessing what plan was in her mind.
I love this show ploughed through series two in one sitting. Thanks for doing this. The family dinner episode was amazing and see this happen. Some wonderful insights.
Here's to Feeling Safe ✨️
There are few episodes in television which can actually classified as true art. "The Bear" S2, E6 (Fishes) is one of them. Another one which comes to mind is "Ted Lasso" S2 E9 (Beard After Hours). Dr. Ramani, I'd be curious to see what your impressions are of two other shows which has some narcissism content, but are also very good shows as well, namely "Shrinking" and "Ramy".
This show is so brilliant and one of my favorite this year! Thank you Dr for this wonderful analysis! I liked hearing your thoughts about it
Just hearing Dr. Ramani talk about this show triggered me. Same family, Italian, 6 children, all a mess. I left them 4 years ago, no contact. I am healing and finding my true personality. It is strange realizing you never had a chance with theses people. You never developed your own identity. They destroy the real you. With Jesus I have been loved perfectly, He has healed me. Thank you Dr. Ramani, God is using you.
I noticed at the beginning of season 1 how he would be talking and no one was listening to him.
I noticed how he dropped all ego when he was being disrespected and just put up with bad behavior without emotion.
Hey Dr. Ramani! I love this show! So glad that you broke down this episode. For those who haven't watched it, you really should put this show on your list!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your outstanding videos, that are appreciated by millions! Keep up the excellent work!
Wow Dr. Ive been watching your videos for a few years. I just watched the Mother scene and sadly it went straight to memory/ heart. I went on google to help find my community that could relate and sure enough here you are. Thank you for you!
August Osage County. Meryl Streep NAILS IT!!!
Shameless is a hugely toxic family too.
Just watched this episode last night !!! And all I could think was how perfect the episode portrayed classic narcissistic dysfunction! Bravo to Jamie lee Curtis!! Emmy for her definitely
My mum was a narcissist & would rage in front of anybody, including physical violence (even with the public). She would:
1. Tell us how she was physically abused & we should be so lucky- & abuse us.
2. Be snide
3. Buy clothes for herself & denigrate us if we’d ask for or got clothing.
4. Control our lives with haughtiness
5. Minimise reporting of sexual abuse
6. Begrudge having to feed or even giving birth to us
My father sexually abused us.
I developed acute OCD at 7 years old. Anorexia Nervosa at 15 & 18 years old. This was my way of controlling the abuse.
When my husband suicided I felt I had to stay calm & carry on.
I was surrounded by narcissists: mother, brother, sister & later husband & mother in law.
I just observed their behaviour & didn’t get caught up with their shenanigans. Now I don’t see them🇦🇺
I love the fact, that you do mention shows that are dealing with narcissism. Unfortunately, I WOULD LIKE to watch them but it's just TO TRIGGERING for me ( that's how bad the family dynamic was growing up sad to say but true). Your giving a summary of the episode and your thoughts on it helps me without having to watch the TV series. I am extremely grateful that you actually do break these TV shows down it gives a lot more insight. Thank you for everything you do the videos, the podcast everything thank you.
I don't like watching movies like that too. Interesting when it is an assignment at school in a post secondary program to watch a movie like that though.
@@francesbernard2445 you actually make a valid point, the fact that these (shows and movies) should be played in high school, just for the mere fact that these are everyday people not just politicians and whatnot. So that people know the red flags before getting into a relationship or can actually say yes that's the way my family functions and I know it's wrong.
I worked in the restaurant industry for most of my life. The Bear has been the most anxiety-inducing show I’ve ever watched. I also have cPTSD from my childhood, and ‘Fishes’ was a rough one for me. I can only watch an episode every week, it’s almost too much for me to take in on a regular basis.
However, I am in therapy for both the childhood trauma and the restaurant trauma. I’ve worked in high end and low-brow places. Carmy reflects a male version of myself, except I was behind a bar or serving tables most of my career. Thank you for the analysis, I enjoyed your point of view!❤
I hear you, I see you, I can relate!
Ok. I’m sold on THE BEAR. I’ve been wanting to spend more leisure time focused on entertainment. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Thanks for the review and the great insights. I'm going to watch this show!!
I remember being captivated by the episode of The Bear entitled "Fishes" for 3 reasons: 1) the acting by every cast member was superb . . . especially Jamie Lee Curtis; 2) Jamie Lee's character is my Mother-in-law to a tee; 3) and throughout the show, I kept on thinking that Dr. Ramani should review it. . . and you did. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
As soon as I saw you post the video I knew that it was going to be about that episode. :)
Rolled into this episode blindly. Damn that was intense. Full of adrenaline at the end.
This sounds similar to my mom. She acts like a perpetual victim and feels slighted by the tiniest of things. She would ignore me for days if I did something she didn't like (like accidentally locking her out of the house). After her abuse she points her finger at everyone besides herself. I always knew my dad was a neglectful narcissist. I think she made him such a villain in my head that I ignored her treatment towards me. Now that I am slowing contact with her, she is trying so many tactics to bring me back. She honestly scares me sometimes and I feel so anxious whenever I'm around her.
That must be incredibly difficult to deal with. Also kids don't know any different when they are little so they don't always know what being treated with respect looks like. It must have also been hard growing up without positive parental role models. I hope you have friends, support and good people around you now!
@KathBorup I have a wonderful fiancé, thankfully. Though, my social anxiety makes it hard for me to keep friendships. Thank you for your comment ♥️ I hope you have a lovely day!
@@GlitterC8k Happy to hear that! Thanks ❤
@@GlitterC8k How did you overcome this? I think i might got memorizing issues if i want to learn something and stuff like this.
@NamiWonderful I don't think I have overcome this, honestly. I have always had severe anxiety and depression. I used to have a therapist and she helped a lot, but this was before I realized my relationship with my mom was toxic. I am in a deep depression right now and find it very hard to do most things at the moment. But I know it will pass and I will see better days ❤️
Can you please review the film “August Ouster County”. Meryl Streep is Amazing as the Narcissistic Mother! 😱 😳
This episode literally took my breath away. I had a very hard time watching it. Took me right back…..was so well done. Love this show!
I have got to watch this show. I've discovered that many of my habits and behaviors are a reflection of the narcissistic abuse that I've endured, and I can usually spot it in others. Thanks for being one of us that brings narcissism and personality disorders to the light.
thank you dr ramani
Love this show!!!
Wow!! Speaking of that Chef Dr. Ramini. Early on in my life as an immigrant teenager from Haiti, I developed an obsession with Chefs Jacque Pepin and Julia Child's cooking show to escape dysfunction and my stepmother's humiliating move to put my name on food items in her kitchen I couldn't touch.
Food became a mystery and a beautiful, magical world to me. I had to be a part of it. I eventually went on to culinary school, joined the navy as a cook, I became a culinary educator after college, a published author, and I'm now a food writer for a local magazine. We can either allow our traumas to destroy us or use them as our superpower to make a difference in the world. To this day, I still watch Jacques and Julia's classic show. It's comforting.
I had to watch the episode in three parts. It was EXHAUSTING (BUT SO GREAT!!) Jamie Lee Curtis....WOW !
I saw myself reflected so much in Sugar's character 😭💔 The anxious relationship she had with Donna was so beautifully portrayed 😢
Same!
I was originally triggered by the family scenes, but then with breathwork, I was able to stay in my center and observe without being upset.
I'm from Chicago and I can assure you that almost every GenX kid suffered from abuse and dysfunction. It is very realistic. I'm sure it's like this all over the world, but it was rampant growing up in the city.
Adding on, it kind of makes me sad that you say this is “most agnostic emotionally abusive parent.” My mom behaved this same way for as long as I can remember. Sometimes worse. Especially at holidays. The sad part is my siblings don’t even realize it. Like how and where am I supposed to go from here?
Watching this show, especially the holiday episode, was triggering for me. It was so hard to watch because I felt like I was watching my own life on the tv.
Thank you for this. Friend recommended the show to me as a validation of my own experience in a relatable way and I still haven't gotten a chance to watch it. And tho I have no interest in Succession as it seems like way too much narcissism and no redeeming characters, I can't wait to see this now. Thank you.
My husband is a chef, and watches every TV about cooking. All of them. But he said he wasn't going to watch The Bear. Now I know why!!! I'm a survivor of my mom's narc dysfunction. Poor man didn't want to trigger me. 🥰
She sounds very much like my mother.
This may be too difficult for me to watch.
But, I appreciate your breakdown of this episode and the series.
I very much relate to one of the characters you described.
I watch it! It’s a great show!
Now I want to see this. Not only are you a great therapist and teacher but you are a great film/movie critic. I love how you describe each character. I cancelled Hulu...I think I may renew. Have you ever watched Ghosts on CBS/Paramount Plus? Would be interested in your review of each character.
SO ❤ glad you covered The Bear. I really felt for all three adult children. SPOILERS!
And yes, Carmy does have tremendous empathy! In the last episode on Season 2 when Carmy calls himself a psycho, I said, “No baby, you’re just blocked.” Unblocking and healing will help him treat himself and others better. When I realized that for him, I started redoubling the efforts I put in myself too.
In the episode “Fishes” you’re discussing, when Donna held Sugar’s jaw and screamed at her, the rage I felt to climb into the TV and throw over a table myself was real.
Watching The Bear has ironically been healing and validating for me even though my experiences were not so intense as these characters. Everyone of the cast and crew should be proud of themselves for kind of discourse the show is generating among fans across the world. Fantastic piece of art❤.
This is so great. I will watch it. It would be so helpful to have examples of everyday life acted out to illustrate what you teach. If you could do more of this it would be great! I wish you could show some scenes within your videos.
My family of origin is a cluster B clusterfuck. I'm out of there now, but the gaslighting, flying monkeys, sadistic humiliation and shaming, screaming matches...I would have to brace myself for every family gathering well into adulthood.
I'm 56. Let me just say it has been so therapeutic to be able to gleen so much information on narcissistic behavior in my own personal mental health journey. Throughout my childhood and a huge portion of adulthood, I always knew that my mother's behavior and how she treated my sister and I, felt awful. Dr. Ramani is the first person who described narcissistic behavior in a manner that took so many of the pieces from my own family dynamics and made sense from it all. My mother had me completely convinced that I was the problem.... my father was a doctor and she was a nurse, and mental health is something we NEVER talked about (unless it was MY mental health). I always tried to brush off the notion that that woman's awful behavior toward us, ever had any lasting effects on me as an adult. I am just now, mid-fifties, just beginning to understand how deeply she hurt my sister and I. Thank you so much!!!!
Natalie is such an independent strong woman, even if you don't particularly like her. Seeing her in the holiday episode reduced to shreds by her mother makes me realize how a horrible family dynamic can destroy people who are competent and strong to outsiders.
Yellowstone is also a great illustration of toxic families!
Thank you for your synopsis. I have been through the mill & experienced ineffectual guidance. After 5 years of rumination on my own schtuff, You are still the only soapbox to nail it. Time & time again, cheers to you🎉🎉🎉
Thank you for breaking down that Christmas episode. As much as I enjoy the series, that episode needs a major trigger warning. I was anxious throughout. But it was weird because I also felt seen. Like if I ever needed to show someone what it felt like at home, I would point them to that episode. And even though the circumstances weren’t the same, omg the feelings and actions were!
If you wanna see a narc parent look at the mom on pvalley in the first episode. That is a common abusive parent right there.
The Bear is such a good show, and when I saw this video I was overjoyed! It was so painful to watch Carmie’s family. It put so much into perspective, and it operated cluster B in a true way. The effects it has on everyone around that person. It was spot on. I never saw the other shoe, but I agree that these characters felt familiar and relatable. Great acting! Can’t wait for season 3!
Dr. Ramani. What about the TV show Shameless? Isn't that complex trauma and pure family dysfunction served in every episode? 🤔 Would be amazing to have a comment on that TV show as well!
Thank you🗝️💖👈🏾🌹
I'm not sure if this was already brought up in the comments, but what does everyone think about how Carmy has said he didn't know Mikey was an addict, when Bob Odenkirk's character announces it to everyone at the table?
I found the Christmss dinner episode very hard to watch. I am one of 3 siblings and have an older brother who took his life 4 years ago. There were so many parallels I called my younger brother and had to tell him about it straight after. The only other movie that we felt the same about was Blue Jasmine.
I think the scene where Natalie (the daughter) wojld sneakily pour the alcohol down the sink is very interesting as well and part of being in narcissistic systems
Who needs to watch a show? With 4 young kids, a narcissistic husband and my awareness of it all, I can literally watch my own tV movie unfold in front of my eyes (and I secretly work behind the scenes to undo the drama and personality disturbances as they unfold). I won’t be leaving anytime soon as I believe these kids are my work at the moment.
Hey Dr Ramani this brought tears in my eyes this is how messed up my family is we are three daughters raised by narcissist parents and i could relate to everything you mentioned its so hard to go through these trauma i wish well to everyone out there A little bit of empathy can go a long way to people who are affected this way,sending love and blessings to all most important love you loads Dr Ramani