10 things narcissists can do to change their narcissistic behavior
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 มิ.ย. 2020
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I'm a narcissist, unfortunately the child in me lacked emotional support and my feelings were never validated. I became a manipulative person as an adult to get love and fill a whole of low self esteem and low self worth. I'm selfish for always wanting love but never learned to love and give it back. I hope this video helps me, wish me luck everyone, and good luck to the hurting narcissist that are crying for help.
I am like this, my family love me so much and want to help me with it, i hate that im to selfish, because they know that if I'm like this it will never be easy for me
All the power to you for willing to change and have that accountability to do what's ultimately best for you and those around you. I am on the same path myself. It's difficult and sounds so rewarding in the long term. Good luck.
I believe you could start by loving yourself and I mean it in the most humble way.
Value yourself..... You are UNIQUE and YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Once u understand how many beautiful things you can do for you and how beautiful it is to do it for and to others, your on your way.
Wishing you luck and progress on your way forward! Really hope you grow into the person you want to be. I hope I’ll be able to achieve that too someday
You took the first amazing step: Self-reflection and a willingness to taking accountability/responsibility‼️❤️‼️❤️
"You can disagree with people and you can do it respectfully, but you don't ever get to take their reality away." Golden words.
What if changing their reality is what's best for them?
Like, if they think they are getting messages from the government through the tv.
@@olympics1234567 I don't understand what you are trying to say
@@olympics1234567 schizo affective?
@@theenchantedforester4661 yes
@@olympics1234567 that is schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. They may go together but this person can not understand their delusions are not real. Medication is the answer according to Western Medicine, however many people with this disorder (or other paranoid delusions) will also believe doctors are poisoning them and will not go along with treatment.
1) Be self aware / Be mindful
2) Take "but" out of your vocabulary
3) Get therapy
4) Be grateful and practice gratitude
5) Focus on meaning and purpose
6) Learn to make amends
7) Create new responses to replace the toxic ones
8) Take responsibility for your own shit
9) Self compassion > Self promotion
10) Stay present
10') Turn around patterns of narcissism
Validation seeking --> offering to others
Lack of empathy --> show it
Entitlement --> Let someone in line if they have less stuff
Arrogance --> Let lther people be in charge
Impulsivity --> Stop and think before you speak
11) RESPOND (mindful and thoughtful), don't react (thoughtless and careless)
Thanks for that!
-1)if you can't
walk away ..........
I think we can all practice the above.
Heading into ..anything .. regarding learning...results in accomplishing .. things.
You have to want to do it.
A possessed spirit can lead you to your bed...
But only you can make yourself get in it...
Environmental consent gets us there ...
Only we can do it..
@@mandorasbox 100%
I want to give a shout out to every narcissist in here, and congratulate him/her for taking a huge first step for acknowledge there narcissism and start our healing journey! We deserve it, our people around us deserve it and especially our loved ones!
Take care guys! We can make things better !! 💪💪💪
Seconded, healing narc here, it sucks but it's worth it
Thanks 🙏 😮
👍🏾
Oh look at us 😁
First huge step is the self awereness. I wish I can do it, but I don't know how. I think it also means loving oneself, therefore I keep resisting
Narcissist’s create narcissists. When I faced this fact in my own family I slowly started to see how I was displaying the same behaviors. Had I not seen it in others, I would’ve never have seen it in myself. Thank you for this. It is a daily challenge to not fall into old patterns but I’d much rather have the life and relationships I have now than ever go back.
Gurl, same. I had to nurture my empathy and learn to identify my vulnerabilities and insecurities and what my responses were to that.
Nicky Ann ditto
Me, too. I found myself treating my ex the way my parents treated each other. I find myself exhibiting the same thoughts and feelings they did. He broke up with me and now I’m starting to see it as a blessing in disguise, I never would have known that I need to change, otherwise.
yeah true. same here. i didnt realise i was exhibiting the same characters tooo until i lost almost everyone and fell into depression and having suicidal thoughts. i started practicing meditation and realised i was the problem
Good point Nicky. Mindfulness is the first line of self control.
1. Mindfulness - self aware/self monitoring.
2. Eliminate the word “but” - it is defensiveness
3. Get therapy - NPD co-occurs with other mental health issues
4. Focus on gratitude; say thank-you authentically
5. Focus on meaning & purpose ~ ‘skip the superficialities’
6. Learn to make amends
7. Create new responses
8. Take responsibility for YOUR stuff
9. Engage in self-compassion vs self-promotion
10. Take the NPD patterns & turn them around
11. BONUS - Respond - don’t react
Great 🙏
❤❤❤
Thank you
Thank you for these notes. It's good to have a visual list.
Thanks for jotting down the points. It is very useful.
I am a NARCISSIST, I WORK SO HARD TO CHANGE AND ITS BRUTAL AT TIMES. MY THINKING "PATTERN" is engrained in me I find myself in a constant battle. Thank you for this, I am trying to learn how to recognize and fix my issues. My wife helps, God gently shows me, and I try to approach everything being aware of it. Your guidance is priceless to me, thank you
Congratulations on showing self awareness. Letting God lead is also the right thing. Only he can show you the way. Trust in him.
Dude bravo! I hope you've started therapy and man you're awesome for putting it out there
Amen brother.
I was the scapegoat who was raised by my narcissist toxic parents and my two younger sisters turned into narcissist as well. It took a huge toll on me emotionally, physically and mentally. I wish my mom would at least turn around, however I know she won't. It's so rare for a narcissist to know and admit they need to change. My family burned their bridge with me and many others. I really am glad u are working on it. I pray the best for you, and plz continue to grow. ❤
wish you all the best on your journey
You know, it's interesting, I'm a teacher of young children, and one thing I notice that lots of children haven't learned that I think a lot of narcissists have also not learned is that guilt and shame occur when we take responsibility for our actions, but that is the price we pay for having friends and being liked. I have a student who desperately wants to be liked, but also refuses to acknowledge her own bad behavior or the way she dismisses other kids feelings. I am working hard with her to teach her how to manage feelings of sadness, shame, and anger. She says "no one wants to be my friend" and I say "Name, I've noticed you are asking for other kids to play your way, but not taking turns and playing their way some of the time. I know you want to have fun playing your way, which is great! But if we want to have friends, things cannot always be our way. You are a fun kid, can we give other kids their way sometimes?" and she says to me "But I want things MY way" and starts to cry, haha. I'm still teaching her to breath, look for solutions when calm, take responsibility, and the power of "I can't do it... YET." This poor kid has no coping skills. I wonder if people who don't have parents or teachers like me, who are aware of skills deficits like this, often end up narcissists. This perfectionism and rigidity is distressing her so much. But yesterday she came to me wanting to apologize to another student of her own volition. A huge step, we made a big deal out of her being brave enough to apologize even though she was scared. It's definitely something that can be addressed.
I believe this to be a "control" issue, major symptom of npd abuse.
We need more of you in the world.
God bless you ❤️.
What kills
Me is we need to PUNCH for the Children wow wow wow 😊😮😮😮🤢🤢🥴🥴
Great insight! I have also been thinking that emotional dysregulation is at the root of narcissism--some people fawn, freeze, or fly away, and some people behave narcissistically. If these kids never learn to self-soothe or regulate their nervous systems, then they are good candidates for narcissism later in life.
There are two messages to be heard and they're not for the same ears:
1- To narcissists, yes, you can change.
2- To victims of narcissists, no, you cannot change your narcissist.
Narcissists can only change on their own initiative and, especially as their victim, you are not in a position to convince them to do so. That's why it so seldom happens and that's why everybody will tell you they don't change even though, technically, they *could.* It's just that in the vast majority of cases, they *won't,* and *your* efforts to make them are sunk cost.
Yes, is as always, you cannot change a person. They change if they want to change.
Yes, unfortunately, the way I see it is that the covert narc I know will never change as there is nothing in it for him. He is extremely selfish, stingy and lacks kindness and empathy. He also exploits everyone for financial gain, including his own parents. I seriously think there is no hope for him, especially that he thinks that there is nothing wrong with him. To the onlooker he is very well mannered and polite. He is super covert!
What we call "behavior" is also an outward manifestation of internal values. One of the reasons it's so hard for people to change their behavior is because their values are hard to change. It's the same thing for victims of narcissistic abuse-their cognitive dissonance is often the result of their values. It's hard to get people to behave in a way that doesn't align with their values regardless of whether or not they have a personality disorder. It's hard to get abusers to change because they genuinely want to abuse.
But as a victim you can change your own behaviour to such that it creates an environment where it's easier for a narcissist to change. For example, instead of shaming them or not holding them responsible for their mistakes, you can offer them compassion and love mixed with a strong ideology of holding them responsible for their wrongdoings.
@@Zmaqo Well, let me know how that goes for you. I truly wish you the best, but in my experience and humble opinion, if the narcissist doesn't discard you for trying to hold them accountable, you'll eventually burn out from maintaining this entire reparenting project and its context against your narcissist's will, and with very minimal or cosmetic results, if any.
This may work on younger subjects, but if you're talking about a grown up, you'll probably never have the same impact as their caretakers or parents did in their formative years and youth.
And you won't be able to control all aspects of their life either (work, friends, maybe other secret aspects of their life) so they'll get contradictory reinforcement on a daily basis, or whenever they like. Of course I would avise against trying to control anybody's life in the first place, even a narcissist's. That leaves us with simply offering them a place of accountability... versus the rest of the world they have free access to and where they can get away with anything if they play their cards right.
Also, are you truly holding them accountable if you stay with them and keep trying to lovingly guide them towards healing when they have unacceptable behaviours? Holding them accountable also means leaving when they cross the line.
Then again, you do you. You may be dealing with a milder case of narcissism and encounter some success, but these are just my concerns...
Thank god for this video everything I see is "how to avoid a narcissist" or "healing after being with a narcissist" I just want to fix myself I hurt people I truly loved who no longer want anything to do with me for good reason I want to fix myself and hopefully contact those people I hurt show I've changed fix what I've done and maybe be allowed back into their lives because it was a privallage I miss so much I miss my friends I miss my ex and don't want to be a villain and a liar I want people to trust me not because I made them THINK they can trust me but because they actually can I want to be trustworthy
Same here!
Thank you for commenting this! Recently I’m just regretting and sobbing over myself because I lose most of my friends and have only one friends because I couldn’t control myself, and in this very recent I just realise that I am a narcissist and I’m a need to change. This video, very helpful for me.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wish that more people would view people like us with compassion. It’s very difficult to change even when we want to so badly.
This was a beautiful reflection by the way. I hope and pray that there are better days ahead for you.
Same here🤙❤️
Same girl, it is such a battle, I want to be my true self.. 😔
I have a narcissistic personality style and I have felt trapped in a loop, everything on repeat no matter what I do.
This has been my first window into how I am and I finally see hope and a way to not be this way.
I deeply long for connection and a meaningful life.
I am going to watch this often.
Watching it often is a great idea! Every time you watch it, you'll ingrain the behaviors more
I wished I would have realized that I was a narcissist many years ago. It would have saved me from losing my family after 16 years. Your video is amazing. Thank you for putting this all in perspective for me and providing ways to make a turnaround.
When the pain of being how you are is greater than the pain it would take to change. You will change.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin 🌸
ouch.
Of course
Mary Kay taught this principle❤
my narcissist father has seen this and realizes how his childhood abuse turned him into a narcissist.
Dr Ramani is a saint
Just wondering, did he watch this actual video? And did he get angry at all?
@@marisadaniela6 I did not show him the video until he was convicted he was sick. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder - so that gave him the insight. lots of random temper tantrums then apologizes and like dissociation. But when he saw the video he was like “omg I’m totally a narcissist”
God bless
Zoe on 'live abuse free' is the best on this topic. In my opinion 😉
@@PoliticalSci hi. Don't take it wrong please but how long or how much of sessions took your to get your diagnosis? I have no idea what im, i don`t think im narcissist but i definitely need diagnosis and therapy after my parents (and sister dark empath\golden child that fed them). Therapy is quite expensive to me so thats why im asking.
Thank you. I am a narcissist and an abuser. I wrote this down to reflect and do my best at changing my behavior. I want to be a pleasant experience for those around me. Thank you for the hope. ❤
You have half the battle won if you admit your mistakes and never give up to correct them. Meditation helps!
@@williammorris9270 thank you 🙏🏽 I actually just finished meditating before reading this
"I am a narcissist and an abuser." Fuck you bro 🙏
The mind is so powerful there is no doubt u can change but the work is long and hard
Read about prophets' lives. Their patience and sacrifices are a good example of earning honour and respect through positive behaviour.
I have ruined so many things with this behaviour. It’s been tough to accept. I’ve been so angry and defensive found it really hard to take accountability for my actions. I’m here for the journey. Heys guys, knowing others are in the same boat is helpful. ❤
I am in the same situation in reviewing my past . Yet there is today and tomorrow just take one step at a time
@@douglaz74 Definitely!! I’ve been doing work on healing my inner child and it’s been extremely eye opening &heart opening
Just came to the conclusion i need help when the best woman i ever had in my life walked away cuz of my behaviour and i need to change
Did you suffer losing friends and people who cared for you due to your behavior? Serious question.
@@ZOMBuckaCurtSame here....My man walked away 😢
Thank you for this. After accepting my narcissism traits and listening to how it's impossible to change, I went down a dark path as I felt that there was no hope for me no matter how hard I would work. It's good to know that if you want to change it's possible. Everyone needs hope in life, even narcisists.
As a matter of fact, you can if you want to. It takes determination to get rid of such nasty attitude! I'm happy you're taking the First step which is self awareness; most narcissist don't self-reflect which makes it quite difficult for change to happen with them. Go through some of Dr Ramani's video, it'd help you see the world from other people's perspective. You can take it one step at a time, through hard work and prayer, you'd overcome you demon. I wish you all the best!
I believe you can have narcissistic traits without necessarily being 'A Narcissist'. And the people who are most likely to acknowledge they have narc traits - like yourself - probably aren't true narcissists, but perhaps empaths who have been raised by narcs and conditioned to respond in certain ways, or pulled into narc dramas and patterns of defensiveness & reactivity. That's certainly my experience anyway... Dr Ramami did another video on "Catching Narcissism" which is very useful and explains some of this and more.
Narcissism, as i understand it, is a spectrum also, and it's probable that many people have narc traits without being full-blown narcs. On the other side of the spectrum is "Echoism" - worth giving that a google too... I personally choose to believe that anyone *can* change - many just don't want to or don't see why they should, and that's a pretty good sign to stay away from them! The will to do so has to be there, no matter where you are on the spectrum.
Whatever the 'diagnosis', this is a great list for anyone to have up their sleeve and work on. The world would be a kinder place..!
Narcissim is a spectrum, and everyone has some narcissistic traits. But when they are unhealthy and toxic, introspection and change are necessary. It does not mean you have npd. In fact, your ability to feel remorseful pretty much guarantees you are not a "narcissist" but rather a difficult person who has some growing to do. God bless you on your journey to a healthier life!
@@drweche3153 that is awesome. I have some really unhealthy patterns I am working on, too. Just because in my relationship I am the "codependent one" and my partner is the "narcissistic one", we both have been stuck in unhealthy cycles of behavior and must hold ourselves accountable. It is so common to see the narcissist demonized and the codependent pitied, and i understamd why, but it isn't enough to claim to be the victim of someone's narcissism and not work on yourself. It took me so long to realize that. I am not out of the woods yet but having a direction to go in motivates me so much. Best of luck to you and everyone in this thread! I am rooting for you!
@@marisadaniela6 yes, I completely agree! we are all a part of the whole, and the extremes the narc shows us reflects the opposite extremes in ourselves, or we wouldn't have attracted them (I believe). for example, their feelings of being entitled, can highlight our feelings of being unworthy; their taking space can highlight our hiding in the shadows; their belief that others will serve them can highlight our belief in needing to 'serve'/ please others; their lack of empathy can highlight our extreme sensitivity to others... etc.
I spotted this pattern in myself. I can't afford therapy. But I try to attend the 2 sessions by phone a month that the government provides in DBT group therapy. So I have my guitar, and I have this video. Every day I watch it once and try to implement what she says. It's all I got. And it's helping to just finally see the pattern and a rough road map out.
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Good luck
Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you
Don't be too hard on yourself. And don't self-diagnose. A lot of the 'youtube-narc' industry is built off triggering you with symptoms that many other disorders/dynamics are attributed to and the narc narrative is pedaled along by youtube doctors who are 'specialists in bla/bla' and guess what, you or more likely, your ex had bla/bla. They especially console people who were left by someone else - who is then called a narc. They'll have you believe you are a narc in one of their 'how to spot a narc' videos. Perhaps that guitar of yours gave you dreams? Perhaps your job sucked and you dreamed of one day, writing songs and performing? Narc!! alert!. And if you are cynical about them, they can just call you a narc, because guess what, narcs are fragile and cynical. Don't be harsh on your self.
I'm with you on the same rugged journey. We can do this. It's a process. All that matters is that we're making progress.
Healing is sexy!!!!
Thank you. I'm in tears right now.... I didn't used to be this person, but somehow I feel like I've turned into the monster I was once married to, and my current husband is suffering. I genuinely believed I was doing my best, doing THE best, and it hit me like a ton of bricks - I've become a vulnerable narcissist. I don't want to be this way anymore. It's become a cycle that hurts me, my husband, and our kids. I want to be happy and to encourage happiness in others. Thank you so much for your tips.
I'm in the same boat. I recently started to go to a codependency support group. It's VERY hard to find out your more broken 💔 than you ever knew. And honestly not know if it was there all along and a lifetime of blaming others turns back to me all at once. There is support and healing. You don't have to go through it alone.
No contact only way sorry ❤
Would you be open at all to an interview on your healing process? I think a lot of people are in the same boat and need hope and insight to find the way out of the vicious cycle.
@@teresaspoon4858 Would you consider being interviewed on your recovery process?
still dont understand how u know what happy is?
You may have narcissitic behaviour but doesnt mean you are a pathological narc.
Its youre awareness is the difference.
My ex wife Narc never have those kind of self awareness.
I hate that I cant be happy for others who are doing or receiving something I want, when they haven't hurt me at all.
Practice these 10 steps, heal your trauma, and that will change
It's such a scary thing when a narcissist makes you believe that it's you being the narcissistic one because you don't please them in all the ways they expect. I've spent a whole year trying to stop being the villain I was made to believe I was just to learn that I was being gaslighted and taken advantage of.
Exactly what happened to me! Was exploited like crazy and he took advantage of my kindness and generosity. He was so covert, I was actually the one who was having angry outbursts at him. (Never happened before in 37 years!) I just knew something was off. Then he tried to convince me that I was a psychopath then that I was a narc! I’m a huge empath! Moron! I do a lot of self reflecting, analysing and self-development so that didn’t work.
They are all the same!
And there's that point where you have your friends turned into flying monkeys so you have nobody to turn to. After a while my best friends started siding with him and questioning why I didn't love him the way he "showered me with affection".
This same thing happened to me. Gaslighting nearly drove me crazy. If it wasn’t for kind people who helped me see the good in myself I would’ve committed suicide long ago.
It is! That's why I'm here. He said he's not the 0ne who's the narsicist. So maybe its me..
Sometimes you start behaving in a similar way to survive but it never sits easily. There are plenty of narcissists who think they’re empaths and the victim in the situation (Oprah has accidentally fed a lot of egos over the years). I think if you can question yourself and see both sides then you’ll be able to see clearly.
I’ll admit I have narcissistic tendencies. This was only revealed to me after having a spiritual awakening and I saw myself/ my actions without any blinders. Mindfulness definitely helps in not hurting more people along my journey. It’s like being an addict, you have to make it a priority to fight against it and be a higher version of yourself for life. The urge to fall back into that way of being never goes away. But its possible to overcome.
God bless you. U heal more. Get blessings of God. And spread love. ❤️
Thank you for your words 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻please God help me break this narcissistic abuse cycle😢😢😢
Where there's a will theres a way, and you seem to have a good will, may God bless your heart!❤
Can you describe your spiritual awakening please? Thank you!
@@DFMoray When you switch from the 3D reality to the 5D reality (When you start seeing the metaphysical word like Guidance & Synchronicities) and you start living as a spirit with no Ego (The Ego can be narcissism or any other bad behaviour)
35 thousand people have liked this video, suggests that so many people realise that they want to change themselves. This gives me so much hope, being a narcissistic personality myself, to change for the person I love. I will try to do anything to change for us.
Oh my... this is so accurate about me. I have destroyed relationships, multiple jobs, and pushed away almost everyone in my life. I have few friends... I have hurt those around me, with no regard to the impact of my actions... I am a monster. I have tried all the things mentioned with little progress because I always revert to being negative, grumpy, and mean. I want to change this so very badly in my life, I don't want to die alone. It is so hard to practice these skills every day, and feel any progress I ever make still ends In disaster... It takes about 8 years, and I always find myself starting over at square one. I want help. I'm so sorry... truly sorry.
Not sure where you are atm I just want to tell you to turn to Jesus Christ if you are truly sorry, repent of your sins and ask Him for forgiveness He is the only one that can change you and give you peace.
I am sure you can do it. What happened to you in your childhood is not you! You deserved to be loved and you weren't, so these are the strategies you learnt. But I believe you can do it
@@wasupdoc1738 Problem is even Jesus is beneath me. I should be Jesus.
How are you now? I really would like to know 😢
All people can change if they want to. But people only change if they NEED to. As long as they don't need to cuz there are always new partners available or they get away with it, they won't change.
well said
I think it's really pure insecurity and emotional pain within that stops them...once they get older, they start running out of people who will put up with their antics. I have had a couple of friends whose pain is palpable, but they just can't deal with it, so they just keep on behaving badly because they are so desperate to deflect the pain and use other people to assuage them. It's awful and yes, won't change, get away from these horrible people who just won't stop!
Narcisistic people are indeed the most insecure and unhappy people.
@@elipotter369 That's correct, you explained precisely. Many times it's nearly palpable that they are bitter, depressed, desperate and they are in pain. But for some reason they are unable to say: "Yes, I hurt." This self-awareness and facing their own deep-seated pain could be the solution for them and for their victims, too.
@@elipotter369 perfectly said. I don't envy that internal torture. We cannot afford to act fully on the compassion we feel for narcissists, but it pays, *for the sake of preserving our own goodness*, to be aware of the fact that you are dealing with a terminally mentally ill person who CANNOT manage to move themselves from victim to survivor, no matter what devices they try to employ.
I'd add getting rid of perfectionism. When you / others do mistakes you're / they're not an inherently bad person.
I’m 21 years old, and I believe that I’m a narcissist. I think I’ve always known it and I’ve refused to be honest with myself. Honesty has always been a problem for me because I’m afraid people will reject me, or think I’m boring, or think I’m a loser, so I make things up or exaggerate. I’ve been doing it my whole life, and because of my behavior people have rejected me. Somehow, There are still people in my life who love me, and I love them more than anything and I don’t want to lose them, yet they have also been deceived by me too. I want to do the right thing, and make amends but I believe I will lose them in the process.
You are still young. Your brain has til 25 to fully develop. Take advantage of this time. You have the potential to change.
I appreciate this. I realized I’ve been a narcissist my whole life and I want to change
How are you doing with it?
Connecting with inner child like childhood favorites
Writing notes like crazy, I do NOT want to be this. I will change. Thank you.
I was doing the same! Glad we're on the same path to recovery. I wish you the best in this growth journey. :)
I realized I was a narc as well, I started calling love ones and apologizing for things I had done and acknowledging my bad behavior.
I felt deep shame and anxiety doing it. But, I think this was a good start on my road to recovery.
I've started doing this and it feels good too!
I absolutely applaud you. Keep up the fight. All of us have challenges in life this one is yours, but you have the power and the choice to make good changes….
You're a good person! You know what it takes to be a good person and you're doing it. Don't call yourself a "narcissist". We all have these tendencies at time. Best of luck to you!
God bless you for having a shot at self-awareness and healing.
Yes. This is also part of the narcissistic behavior. You want the other party to know that you know that you did something wrong and that you are ashamed to have done it. I myself seem to feel sorry for myself for having done / said various things and I am still not sorry for the other party's part. It is still self-centered.
I heard the word Narcissam for the very first time when my mom went to therapy. Turns out my dad is a covert narcissist
I started researching the word to see if i could help him get over this and help my family get better. The characteristics started getting so familiar and that's when I realised that i was one too!! Self-righteous, never actually listening to what people say, defensive, superficial goals, sudden outbursts, victim mentality, hating myself, seeking validation, no remorse, and the fact that i don't care for anyone except myself and a handful of people
It's scary how my brain keeps thinking about every circumstance so selfishly. It's mortifying how bad this will affect my relationship with the essential people in the future.
I don't want to be this person, i want to heal
Thank you for these tips, I'll work on myself consistently ( i hope)
The great thing is you are choosing to think about it. Narcissists aren't evil. I do think parents mess up their kids and as adults some of us have to parent ourselves. I have been in and out of therapy for years. I exhibit these toxic behaviors myself. I don't believe I am an evil person and I don't think that having a mental health disorder makes someone evil. I think it makes them hurt and struggling. I am just now realizing the ways in which I have caused significant harm to my child and others around me. I feel your pain.
How is your journey thus far?
Thank you so much for sharing,I've been this and worst and I have hurt innocent people without me knowing I was hurting them and hurting myself more always been defensive and wanting to prove a point. Please I need therapy but I can't afford it
Maybe they're pretending to get admiration from y'all
I am a narcissist as well. Be careful. Its a spectrum. Its not all "on" all the time.
I'm a young, likely covert narcissist and I want to break away from patterns that I've exhibited since age 5. Your videos have helped me a lot to identify and label all of the harmful traits. I have a struggle to feel empathy, and to some extent, conceptualize others' emotions at all. So even if I can usually only see others' pain from an apathetic and disconnected view, I can understand that my actions affect people. I don't know how exactly to help others and be there for them, because without empathy and how I overanalyze ways people could interpret what I say, I can't find encouraging words, but I do try.
I believe that I'll soon be able to find a therapist. Changing means a lifelong commitment, which in and of itself scares me. It's also meant that I might have to abandon my dreams of fame because they're unrealistic.
Sorry if I've wasted your time with this rant, all I mean to say is, you've helped me understand my behaviors and hopefully push towards improvement.
your self-awareness is a huge testament to you, I know you have it within you to change, and with or without change you will have so many positive traits already existing within you. rooting for you!🎉
I am feeling similar as you and I really honestly applaud you for being self aware. It takes a strong person to change. Wanting to change how you treat others is really a kind thing to do even if you don't have all the tools right away. I truly believe that everyone can come back from hurt they have experienced and caused. It is possible to learn empathy I do think. I haven't had it modeled growing up. I do think you can learn it. Hopefully I can too.
All that is a lie....all things you say I might be a way of gaslighting your source....you guys never change
If you admit then you are not a narc
You are simply selfish and type a personality
You can change easily
Join a community service group
I struggled with a lot of these things aswell, I couldn’t empathize and I would gaslight. I went to live with someone who was so empathetic and open to people. So much of our thinking is based on projection and persecution, I really believe finding someone who is completely different and empathetic and with an open mind you can learn a different perception and projection of people and help you learn about empathy. It completely changes your world when you do 🤗
I love this video. I've had a lot of narcissistic tendencies throughout my life and it takes DAILY work to fight them, but you CAN DO IT. It actually feels amazing to let go of the ego because narcissism is exhausting...
I know that most people have a hard time changing, but the biggest step is taking responsibility for how you have hurt others and a willingness to be better. I believe in all of you!
@ivory frost that's amazing. Did you do any therapy to overcome this?
Thank u Dr. Ramani! I am glad that we can approach this monster, spiritually! There is nothing that God cannot do, if we humble ourselves and ask Him to guide us! Once again, thank u Dr. Ramani!!
@@tradershads yeah i would like to know too
How you treated yourself my gf is narcissist. I want her with me and change her this personality
😂😂 nobody “let’s go of their ego”. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convince you they don’t exist….
I believe that everyone can take pointers from this video. Mindfulness is key.
She fucking described me...i always knew but to this extent , fucking hell!!
Thank you so much for all you videos and for sharing your knowledge with us. It's priceless!
My 14-year-old son asked me yesterday "am I a narcissist?". He has a narcissistic father and narcissistic grandparents. I started learning about narcissism 4 years ago and worried about my son because I identified several patterns in his behavior. I consider the fact that he learned about this on his own, and was able to self-identify with the characteristics, as an incredible opportunity for me to guide him and for him to be open to learning how to improve. Thank you for these 11 steps, Dr. Ramani. I think we need more help and guidance for young people out there who are willing and want to change. Thank you🙏
Taught behavior ❤
Be careful diagnosing teenagers. They are more self centered and angry than they will ever be again but it can be hormonal.
Found this video after losing my family due to my narcissist behavior. Im ready to change and ready to heal. Thank you
Finally!
I know a lot of people who don't have a narc personality but tendencies. I am one of them. This is helpful.
I believe this is me as well. I feel terrible because I have been unintentionally gaslighting my husband for 2 years. I want to change and not ruin his life
Maybe it's a cultural thing, like dog eats dog.
@@catrocastre8215 i believe it is acculturated, not necessarily cultural. i.e. you learn it, you repeat it, you believe it's what is normal - until you discover otherwise; that it may be common in some places, families, cultures, but it's not "normal" and you *can* choose differently. 😊
@@keeweefabulous7094 Great awareness! Once you know about gaslighting you can easily stop doing it. For me it was normal to do in some circumstances also and since learning about it i have absolutely stopped doing it - and i can see when someone is doing it to me also. Sometimes it's because they are narcissistic, sometimes it's because they were raised by someone narcissistic and it was normalised for them also.
It is not you, it was taught to you... Best of luck with your husband. 🌸
Me too. This is helpful
It's been 6 months, and it's almost as if i'm no longer a plague on this earth, and can actually give instead of take. I feel so civilized and can see the humanity in myself and others.
I'm a 61 year old narcissist, scrolling and feeling hopeless to change this late, and I cannot tell you how inspired I feel by this comment. Thank you, and I am glad for you as well.
Congratulations 🙏
@@mrssmith1691 rooting for you!
Congratulations! Did you do this by following the steps in this video? 🙏
@@nikitimmermans Thank you. I've watched hours and hours of yt npd, therapy, practiced christianity, (guided) meditation(s) etc. Even now it's 1 year i ago i see even bigger improvement. It's possible!
I dont want to be a narcissists anymore
Me neither bro.
Same. We can do it 💪 🙌
I began watching your videos because I am a victim of narcissistic abuse, but while watching them, I started to realize that I was knee deep in my own narcissistic tendencies. Being able to focus on this in therapy is proving to be very helpful in overcoming my shame and insecurity and helping me stop projecting and reacting from the hip. I dont want to bring pain into the world, I want to bring joy and make people feel safe.. I want to love and empathise with myself and others. I want to be able to validate myself. I want to be happy just existing without envying others. Its like a muscle Ive slowly been learning how to flex after neglecting it for so long. The modern world really does breed narcissism in so many.
hey i was wondering, i think my sister has narcissism. my mom definitely has it, im not sure about my other family members. but my sister definitely aswell. the difference between my sister n my mom though is that i was never close to my mom, i was close to my sister. we lived together for the longest(our family split up and had to live in different households). but yeah i wanna help her. the answer i keep getting is that i can't, that she has to deal with it on her own or with therapy. i just wanted to know is there anything i can do? i don't want her to be alone. she's pushing everyone away from her. any time i search it up, i can't seem to find an answer. i know i personally can't do anything because she gets mad n jealous of me. but can i maybe influence her without me being there? idk. i just wanna help my sister. i live with her currently and as soon as the lease is done my significant other and i were going to leave to find somewhere else to live. i just hate the pain she's in, it's not fun being in a cycle of ur own abuse then pushing everyone away from u. getting into the same arguments because u don't know what ur feeling. never paying attention to u or ur needs.(my sister specifically, not u) i always felt a responsibility to help her n maybe that's my mistake is that i can't help her because of her bias towards me n the way she sees me. im the younger sibling btw. u don't have to let me know what u think but it would be nice. i just wanna help
Technology and social media I think gave everyone a public platform for their own expressive pages. I don't think it's healthy to have four hundred or so Facebook "friends". But I also don't think sharing yourself publicly is necessarily bad either. I had to leave social media because I was so jealous of everyone's happy lives.
Would you be open to being interviewed on your healing process?
I cried during this video, because of the realisation of how I've treated some people in my life.
I've attempted meditation a little, but not taken it seriously, so I'm going to give that a stronger go. I feel it helps me react less and be more mindful, when I've been meditating regularly.
I have a 1 year old son now, and I WILL change, for him. I don't want him seeing narcissistic behaviour from me and thinking that it's OK. It's not.
Thank you for the video.
Same here man. Hope you’ve had success since watching this video. It’s hard to hear. I don’t think I have ever been more embarrassed of myself….and I hope I never have to feel this bad again.
I wish i could have someone like you to speak to my narcissist ex boyfriend who just blocked me on all social media.
I hope it all works out in the end and you become a great role model for your son. I havent wanted to have children with fear that id pass on the traits to them
This is a beautiful response. Thank you for sharing it. Not many people are self aware enough to acknowledge their hurtful and harmful behavior. Additionally, your comment gives me hope. God bless you.
@@bennymoreira1443 If he blocked you, good for you! If you are anything like me, you'd want to keep checking on him, even though you know he is wrong for you because he treats you badly. If he blocked you, let him go! Listen to Dr. R's video on rumination!
My husband will never do any of these things to improve. He says he will but an hour later back to start... he is a completely different person with me than with others. I see his true self and it’s ugly! I’m done with him. 10 years dealing with this is destroying my spirit and soul.
I think you did the right thing in preserving yourself. This is the issue with PD's. We say someone has an issue because of their behavior but to a mentally ill person with a PD, their behavior is normal. The only way they'll know something is wrong with them is to show them something is wrong with their psyche. We are all, unfortunately, super unqualified to do that.
I showed mine this video and some more. He looked stunned and stayed very quiet for some time. Then, after several minutes, he shook it off like a wet dog coming out of water. No true interest in changes. He prefers to stay within borders of his crooked world.
@@Jane-gt6ef
I showed my husband this video
He said" I dont do that. I took the test only scored 2 "
Same here
Same here.....all nice to everyone but a monster to me.....am done after 14 years he can change for his 3rd wife
More Content like this please, I just been diagnosed as a narcissist. This is a baffling diagnosis to me and that is not the person I want to be. There not a lot of resources out there to help the narcissist not be that way. I truly appreciate your video today. Thank you.
How are you doing with your recovery?
Watch Scrooge, and try it?
Dr Mark Ettensohn treats NPD. His channel is Heal NPD.
I acted somewhat narcissistic at the end of my last major relationship. It scares me when I look back. I kept dumping her and then pulling her back. Later I found out that the thing I was doing was manipulative. I didn't want to admit it but I was toxic. I hated her and I wanted her to hurt just as much as I was hurting inside. I had convinced myself that it was "payback" for all the evil things she did while we were dating. But no one deserves to have their heart played with.
Lost a beautiful emotionally intelligent person, that leads me into reflecting to these. She deserves all the love and respect she gives. She's definitely entitled to her peace. Thank you.
Same
Mine just broke up with me. I want to be better and I hope she accepts me back.
@@chiefdaddygodfrey same. Wishing you well on the path.
Same. I'm crying. But I still don't understand whether I'm doing it just as a disguise to prove her I changed and get her back, or I do it really authentically. I question myself all the time. I want to be a better person, really. At the same time, how to let her go?
omygod, am not alone. did you cry too? did you wake up in the morning and feeling guilty, shame, horrible thinking about your behaviour when they were around too? my ex crying a lots and i despise my self after owning my behaviour and i feels so f-ing horrible.
Speaking of "gratitude" folks I've been in the habit of writing a gratitude list (no matter how small or big) everyday or every other day. It makes a difference in self. I humbly ask you to try it for a week
I'm going to try that. Thank you!
I agree. It helps you to see world in a more positive way and gives you strength.
Yup! One of the best things you can do for yourself. Can;t be grateful and depressed at the same time. Doesn't work
At age 37 I realized I did all these things, and I even watched many of your videos before from a lens without my own self reflection, not realizing it was describing me until I finally admitted to myself it was me, and now I see how I have done all these things. Thanks so much for this video, it has really helped me.
I've been drowning myself in self-help books and videos to try and figure out why my relationships with friends since coming to university have turned so sour. I managed to find the specific tendencies, and that I was very (and still am) insecure. But honestly it is only now that I realised that can really just sum it up that I'm narcissistic. Thankfully I've been working on being compassionate and really having regard for others so I'm glad I've taken a step in that direction. I've made closer, more genuine friendships and it motivates me to keep putting the work in. Life is so much better since I started caring about others.
how do you do it?I'm going through your same situation..i lost all my friends. how can I change...pls help
How bro help plis
My husband and I are both children of Narcissists. We both have narcissitic tendencies, but neither of us are full-on Narcissists like our parents (who can't/won't see it and are toxic.) We both have things to work on, I am also Asperger's and he is ADHD. It is not easy.
I accept that my Asperger's and ADD has made others see me as having narcissistic traits. I try to
continually check myself in social situations to avoid going on about one subject or myself.
Glad to see this comment: I have ADHD and have been unaware of my narcissism until only recently. It was esp hard for me in relationships with asperger’s types - I was so blind to my selfishness. Good luck to you two! Praying for you.
Sounds like the situation with the girl I’m in love with, she’s Asperger’s and I’m ADHD. She hasn’t spoke to me for a week after having constant contact for a year because I was hurtful towards her via words. She says I’m a narcissist and maybe she is right, I truly hope not though and I’m now in therapy. Maybe too late for her and I though.
Same situation and circumstance except I've always been undiagnosed with ADHD... And discovered I've had too many ADHD symptoms a few months ago after years into our relationship...
I can relate... Just wish we both knew earlier so the relationship wouldn't be so damaged and it wouldn't be so painful for both of us. And that there was a psychological term and logical reasons for my horrible inconsiderate behaviors which only gave a little bit of comfort a tad bit too late...
@@primordiusyang2169 i"m sorry you are in this position.
Could you describe your ADHD symptoms/situations?
I would find it helpful for people like me, who are in doubt about their partner, to know the difference.
Being a mother, was my turning point. I come from a narcissistic family, I had a couple of narcissistic partners and I, myself , probably was in some ways behaving and reacting in the same way... But just imagining that I could hurt my son in some way, made me want to shift my ways and always be careful with him. It also made me more aware of the blind spots, and responding instead of reacting. I think it has been a real journey into maturity and responsability! I really want him to be happy and feel loved and to have what I didn't.
I stayed with my narc husband. My biggest fear is that my son will become like him. He is in his teenage years, but shows some signs he might. I am still positive, since all teenagers have some narc traits, but I fear that anyway. Like Dr. Ramani said, "Some teenagers outgrow them, some don't."
Fialka Vonava Yes, but I’d say not to remain passive on that. If he does something wrong, teach him, because it could get worse without the proper guidance.
@@Chuleta_9 Oh yes, no worries! I don't want to make another woman miserable just because my improper parenting 😶
I really value hearing what turns the light on for a toxic person to improve themselves, and what their motivation is. Thank you for sharing.
@Lexi 93 How do you know what my concerns are, I wonder...
I always thought to myself, “I wont ever be like my family, those narcissistic a**holes. I’m above them.” I never realized until earlier that it might be too late. It also super hard to not say but when your wrongfully accused of something, especially when accused by another narcissist.
I'm SO grateful I found this video. My mom has narcissistic personality disorder and schizophrenia. I learned everything from her. I've had a few wake up calls (including Taylor Swift's Anti-Hero) and also my husband telling me I'm mean to him and he's just trying to solve problems we have. It was like watching myself talk to my mother. Narcissism is toxic, but it never feels like there's any help and has driven me to some pretty dark negative places. I hope everyone here is able to relate to feeling like there's a light at the end of this tunnel💖
I realized I have a narcissistic behavior and I hurt the people I cared the most, mostly because I react to everything and I’m not mindful, I want to change my mental health and be healthy for me and the people around me. Thank you Dr. Ramani
This is definitely me. Vulnerable narcissist. I have to change. My heart hurts so much as I’m realizing how much hurt I’ve spread all my life. I’ve been parading as an empath. I really thought that was my truth. 🤦♀️
I feel like a garbage human and I don’t know how to open my heart. I’ve gone to suicidal ideation again and again over this (bipolar, so it’s familiar territory anyway).
But that’s just more selfishness, pitiful ness, and covert narcissism.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for sharing helpful information for narcissists like me when there is so little information out there beyond telling us we are horrible human beings doomed to be horrible forever. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Hang in there girl!
Dont give up Laura! You deserve to live a good life too!.I fully believe you can and will change as you raise your awareness and. are willing to change .I believe God has a purpose for your life.
Im 13 i think im a covert a narc. I have some narcissistic tendencies 😔😔
@@darlenepaul2918 "The people you have hurt are adults and can take care of themselves??????"
NOOOOO, very wrong. Maybe the people that were hurt by the narcissists were not adults, were kids or even if they were adults still the wrong way of dealing with this sickness. The narcissists need to take responsibility, feel sorry and apologize for what they did, not to think that the people they heart they will take care of themselves:((( Where is the empathy???? Zero empathy.
@@awhite7596 And the people hurt by the narcissists didn't go on with their lives, they were very affected, some did suicide...and so on...
This video is absolute gold. Like many other commenters here I had the usual unstable background, extremely emotionally remote/narcissistic father, the history of countless relationships ending badly, the very flimsy sense of self, impulsivity, extreme introversion and relentless self-hatred, substance abuse, sensitivity to criticism, childhood trauma, obsession with perfection and praise, tendency to explode, etc etc. It's all there. Along with therapy, the thing that has led me to the point of being able to look clearly and honestly at my behavioural patterns and their often horrific effects on others is the AA 12 step program. The pointers Dr Ramani outlines here are really sort of indistinguishable from the 12 steps. Perhaps in AA they're more formalised, and someone (a sponsor) "takes you through them" but essentially we're talking about the same things. It's been one of the scariest periods of my life since I finally got sober and found a sponsor. I felt pretty good for a couple of weeks then completely mismanaged something work related (I exploded over a perceived slight from others and completely destroyed a working relationship of five years with two people who never did anything but love and care for me) and EVERYTHING came crashing down. I am in no doubt now that I have pronounced narcissistic tendencies. My relationship history and total lack of insight into the feelings of others tells me this. It was perhaps dormant or sort of low-key there all my life (and manifested in various shitty ways - introversion, self-obsession, using others, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual impulsivity, inability to naturally empathise etc) but has sort of aggressively blossomed following the trauma of losing my dad a year ago. However this trigger seems to have finally allowed the behaviours to fully come into the open, which I'm oddly grateful for. Its like I've just woken up and can now see how I lived completely blind, blinkered, self-absorbed, painfully sensitive and unable to really meet anyone in actual reality for most of my life. I feel hugely grateful to the AA program for helping me first gain initial sobriety and now for opening my eyes to the absolute wreckage of my past. I'm also aware this is going to be the work of the next decade of my life. Undoing the damage (internally and externally) and setting a whole new bunch of ways of living in motion. I'm ready. As others have said here, when carrying on as you are becomes intolerable, and those old ways are revealed for what they are, and the damage you have caused others and yourself is laid completely bare in front of you, you are ready to change and will do anything to make that happen. The alternative for me would be suicide. I guess the one (very) tentative positive I can glean from any of this, and it's a tiny consolation given how empty and terrified I currently often feel, is that I'm finally at a place where I can hold my hands up and say "this is me" and begin the work. Next month I also begin working with a new therapist, with this specific issue front and centre. Despite the churning gut and abject terror of realising I am The Narcissist (as Dr Ramani puts it!), I have also never felt more committed and determined to heal. Thanks again everyone for your kind, honest words, and thank you Dr Ramani for giving me hope this evening.
Beautifully said and I can relate in so many ways.
I'm feel like I'm a narcissist and want to change. Very little information on how to change. Thank you for this video
I didn't realise that when I was a teen and decided that I will be the exact opposite of everything I hated about my mother, I set myself on a path of therapy, self-treatment and avoidance on becoming a narcissist. I would like to thank my past self for having this innate wisdom to walk away with the unconscious knowledge that that kind of life is not a Life.
Actually every one whether narcissist or codependent or empath should follow this coz while being in the narcissistic relationship we can forget these principles
I’m saving this video to keep watching. I have narcissistic tendencies, but I’m not a full blown narcissist. I started life as an empath. I could feel others pain. I refused to gossip & tried to be kind. I was rarely angry and had a quick temper that blew over quickly without demeaning the other person. I grew up in a narcissistic household and then started dating narcs. One day I felt the empath switch turn off. I didn’t know what it was, but I felt the change. I still treated people well, but gossip and general anger was creeping in. I worked on the anger 30 years ago. It still wants to bubble up, but 99% of the time I won’t let it.
Anyone wanting to change, Dr Rimini isn’t kidding. It’s HARD. I have been watching these videos and realize I have other behavioral issues to work on. I know what empathy is, and work hard expressing it. Sometimes I’m almost faking empathy, but that’s ok, because others need that empathy and I’ll get there one day.
I still self sabotage by not doing things I know I need to do, but I’m working on it. I’m Catholic and Confession helps me also, because many of these behaviors fall under categories of sin. I’ll never be perfect. The struggle is real. I’m committed to keep chugging along.
This comment reached me on a spiritual level, thank you
I’m the same after being hurt by other narcs it’s almost like I adapted those same traits and I’m getting of a relationship and hurt the other person by not acknowledging that I do have narcissistic traits and tendencies but I’m in therapy and it gets easier
Today I came into terms with my narcissism to face it. Take accountability for my actions and change for the better. I didn’t realize how blind i was to it until I seen how bad I was hurting my wife. This started for me as a child and I didn’t understand how bad it was until opening my eyes to the truth. I had a sick obsession with being perfect, feeding my ego with the validation of multiple women wanting me. I’m seeking out videos like this as well as therapy to help myself. Thank you for this video!
Coping with the same reality . . . I’m not seeking validation from women other than my wife’s but everything else sounds very familiar just wondering what really worked for u or any tips for improvement. . . Really wanna change for my family thanx.
@@jortiz0911ify I can’t pretend everything has been easy majority of fixing this I knew I’d have to admit my wrongs and hold myself accountable for my actions even when that came with disappointment from others. Some things that really helped me out were distancing myself from what was effecting us most for me personally it was my social media you may have something different. Other things I did to help were just writing out forgotten hobbies and new hobbies I wanted to try. And the whole issues I had with being perfect I just had to come into with the mindset others opinions didn’t matter as much as my wife’s You may feel like your journey changing for your partner is a one sided task and you’re left to handle it on your own at times but that’s what it takes to bring your self to change for your partner I wish you the best of luck if you need to share anything on your mind I hope myself and others can be of support!
@@6IXKAM thanx man I really appreciate the feedback really gonna give it my all and try and regain myself again. Really don’t have anyone to talk to about these things I tend to keep everything within me . . . And I guess it’s a bit refreshing knowing I’m not alone in this battle. . . That there’s others going through this as I am. . . Thank u once again for at least listening god bless u
I am in a codependent relationship. I am a diagnosed narcissist. Have been in therapy for 6 years. And i'm finally able to accept my PTSD which created my NPD. I have finally convinced my partner who suffers from a similar condition to start going to therapy. Your videos have really helped me bring to words all the things that I felt I needed in order to move forward with more confidence. I want to be happy. I want my girl to be happy. I want us to be happy. And we can only be happy if we are at peace with what we are and take the required measures to deal with what we are.
That's awesome to hear bro...how are you and your girl now
Just recently discovered I have plenty of narcissistic tendencies. I want to be better. I will be better. I want to be better for my girl, but more importantly myself. It takes me to change my thoughts. No more excuses. My highest version of myself is waiting! I hope we all win our silent battles❤️
I'm wishing you luck :D
This is my first day of actual realization, and start of journey to heal. I ruined so many relationships with people, and today it hit me like lighting. 🙏 Wish me luck 🍀
I feel im on the verge of losing everything. Family kids everything. I honestly know I am narcissistic I have hurt the ones I love. I am going to watch this everyday if I have to. Thank you so much for this.
How are u doing implementing these so far?
It is brave to accept your condition. Good start
@@wendybesse90 things are getting a lot better honestly. I have learned that you can't reverse the damage that's been done. With my kids and wife I am trying to rebuild that relationship it's a slow process but things are looking up.
@@MyNamesNick92 I'm honestly going through this right now. I'm with you dude
Now, the next part should be: As a parent, how do you PREVENT your children from becoming narcissists. Although I don't think narcissist parents would care.
Children ARE narcissistic when they are little, it's normal. Alice Miller, "The Drama of The Gifted Child". By checking their grandiosity in childhood, offering them respectful structure th-cam.com/video/tk3a8n1uB1w/w-d-xo.html&ab_channel=L%C3%BAcioOliveira parents prevent children from becoming narcissistic adults. But if you truly want your children not to be narcissists you have to take care of you not being a narcissist. Cause when a parent is a narcissist there is no option for the child other than to be a narcissist or a codependent.
@@TheMarabest or both
when parents do their own inner work of healing and self-awareness, their children benefit! if narcissism is caused by a lack of nurturing a child's emotional reality, then we can prevent narcissism by i) being in touch with our own emotional reality, and ii) acknowledging and validating the emotions of others.
my narc ex said "the only benefit that can come from my son being born would be if he grows up to hate everyone and only look out for himself, like i do." he wanted to purposely raise a narc. terrifying.
This is beautiful.
I think that targets of narcissists ALWAYS take on some narcissistic traits in order to cope. I think the skills you're teaching are good for re-normalizing targets once they leave the narcissist.
I also think it pays to do all these things regardless of whether you or your partner is narcissistic. These are good tools to foster healthy relationship in general!
Perfectly said. I also feel that developing narcissistic characteristics or behaviours can be installed as a coping strategy - especially if you were raised by narcs - or around them in any developmental stage, i.e. at a first job. I imagine this is why it often gets passed down the generations - until someone decides to break the chain and heal from it. And especially if there were no other positive adult role models for behaviour (i.e. if the narc parent was the sole caregiver). It's like learning how to be an adult, or how to speak a language, or being taught customs, from someone who is the worst possible teacher and never learned themselves - yet that is the language you learned, and for a world that is not one you'd want to join...
"Re-normalising targets" is a great way to frame it. "Un-learning narcissism" would be another. Not easy, but entirely possible with a bit of practice and commitment. I see it as returning to self - an earlier, unspoiled version of myself. To me it feels more vulnerable, but also healthier and more authentic... so worth it. 😊
@@user-vn9sh6hv8r I thoroughly agree. Narcissists are like zombies. They hunger for nothing but brains (supply). They will inevitably consume your supply and leave you hollow, starving for whatever they stole from you. You, in turn, try to retrieve your loss from someone else in a similar, unhealthy manner (the only example you've been shown of how to get this deficit met is narcissistic), and you go consume someone else.
Zombies...
Unless and until, you're reoriented to a more normal pattern, this is a lather, rinse, repeat cycle.
I’ve been looking more into this as I’m finding out more and more that I’m a vulnerable narcissist. My son is the same way and I learned it from my mother. Now I’m trying to fix myself before I lose everything I have, my family. I have an amazing wife that still sees the hood in me and that she believes in me and that I can do this. I will be doing more watching and learning more. Thank you!!!!
It’s learned behavior ❤
Goodluck!
Notes
4:47 be Mindful _ slow down
6:50 no Buts
7:50 get therapy
10:10 gratitude , see contribuition of others
11:09 focus on meaning and purpose
12:14 make amends
13:07 create new responses
13:50 take responsibility
15:00 self compassion
16:00 turn around the patterns
18:20 reacting viz responding
5:38 *Bᴇꜱᴛ Sᴛᴀᴛᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ Eᴠᴇʀ*
4:24 ¹ be mindful ( *the Money Shot* )
6:46 ² take the word "but" out of vocabulary
7:28 commit to learn from interaction
7:52 8:34 9:32 10:00 ³gotta get therapy,
appropriate intervention
10:11 ⁴ focus on gratitude
11:06 ⁵ focus on meaning and purpose
...suffering seizes to be suffering
at the moment it finds meaning...
12:11 ⁶ learn to make authentic amends
13:02 ⁷ create NEW responses
13:50 ⁸ take responsibility for your stuff
...style of 'projection, denial, deceit'
15:00 ⁹ be 'Kind' to yourself, 'Empathic' to your
own hurts and wounds 15:37
16:24 stay in the moment
16:40 ¹⁰ turn patterns around
18:16 respond (slow, mindfull, thoughtful)
*versus* react (thoughtless, careless)
12:45 ⬅️ hit repeat➡️17:39
Bless you. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to note down the time stamps and add titles, your comment is extremely helpful.
Yes thank you.
The best thing they can do is accept who they are and see it from a neutral perspective. Only then will they be able to change. Accountability comes first.
They never change...
lol
Deep down they already know who/ what they are.. but are too egotistical to take any responsibility for it
@Black Weirdo That's something they can't do is change!
You get it.
i used to have narcissistic tendencies during school years. it was partly because yes, as what dr. ramani often said, narcissism is rewarded in society. many aspects of my life changed when i had depression in college. since then, i learned a lot from my therapist and i have started to change. it's so hard to change patterns and sometimes i still can't control my rage. but with the help of God and by watching these videos, i hope i can get better and not hurt the people around me 😓
thats something that you cant change . Just embrace the pain .
I came to the realization today that I am a narcissist. I can and will do the work to be a better person. Thank you for making this video.
Defensiveness is absolutely one of my narcissistic “fleas” from my childhood. My ex brought out a ton of my worst patterns but therapy taught me healthier ways to communicate.
You're blaming your ex for your own actions.Just thought I'd point that out.
@@darlenepaul2918 I don't think that's what she meant. I think she meant that her ex triggered her worst traits.
@@krystolyncarpio6010 Agreed. My husband and his mom trigger so many trauma responses in me, but I’m now using the triggered moments to reassess and heal those wounds and respond differently to others.
I have a message for others who have been DX'd with NPD, or those of you who struggle with traits, etc. All I can say is - be gentle with yourselves, you were hurt, and that pain needs to be validated. I know browsing around these videos can be difficult because the intent of the videos, and the comments, are curated to protect people who have been hurt by us; but struggling with NPD myself, I know it's easy to put the walls up again and resort to, "well what about me, why do I have to change for them, but they refuse to understand me?" I have found that if you really sit with yourself, and validate the fact that you, too, were a victim... you can eventually locate the trauma wound that caused you to develop these traits in the first place. It's one thing to sort of role play better ways to cohabitate with more atypical people... but once you find the wound that started it all, you will have less of a reason to have to pretend. Being kind, listening to another viewpoint, loving, etc.. all of those things become easier and easier once your own abuse has been validated and you begin to heal and overcome it. It's very difficult for people on the outside to understand, or even have empathy, to the fact that we were abused as well... and a lot of our behavior is reactive stemming from the abuse. So yea, take care of yourselves, acknowledge and validate you were hurt, it's important and ok to do. I really believe that many times folks with NPD are a lost cause because they aren't even allowed to say they were a victim without being accused of playing the victim, and that is when the walls go back up, that is when they are unable to deal with their own wounds, and that is when progress stops. Once you allow yourself to visit the trauma and heal, you can begin to use the skills mentioned in this video to help understand how to interact in more adaptive ways moving forward, and it will be heaps easier because you don't have a bleeding wound to protect. Good luck!
Cole S Thank you 😊 Your comment seems so reassuring for me but ,at the same time,I feel so sad and remember my “losses” over a lifetime of 70 years now.I guess we have to persevere or perish.
@@itsgottobesaid4269 “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second-best time is right now.”
A very close friend suffered some serious setbacks recently which led to a few people in his orbit abandoning him. A classic covert narcissist such as he probably wouldnt care a great deal, but because his behavior led to incarceration, he now seems broken, admitting to loneliness, accepting his vulnerability, showing remorse, and expressing a sincere desire to change. As an empath i know he's capable and i know his committment is genuine. Everywhere you look, it says narcissists dont change so i was so glad to find this video that offered me a glimmer of hope to support my friend on his journey down a new path. Im certain that we can take advantage of the misfortune and put the pieces back together in a new and better way. Thank you, Dr Ramani for your wonderful videos and for addressing this topic in particular, in a way that was understandable, optimistic and compassionate.
Love this video, as someone who was raised by someone who was raised by someone who was narcissistic(generations of abuse). I have empathy but at the same time I feel like being raised by a narcissist makes me prone to having those tendencies. It's not comforting to see that it's just a hopeless situation and we should all run away or be abandoned. I feel like no one should be painted by such a broad brush, especially if we want to change and break the cycle.
When I first started learning about narcissism I would watch these youtube videos and say: Gosh, that happened to me, I feel that way, I was treated that way at the same time as saying: I've done that to someone. I did that to someone. I did that too...I quickly realized that I was on two parallel paths: One as the victim of not one but three narc parents (one is a step-parent) in a deeply dysfunctional family, alongside being the perpetrator of my own dysfunctional narc behaviours. It's been a mind blowing turning point for me. I have carried a veil of sadness that I could literally physically feel hanging over me most of my life but I could never understand what it was or how to get rid of it. It's finally slowly starting to dissipate, and I am so deeply grateful for that.
Wooooooooooooooo WE!!!! That is heavy and slapped me in the face this AM!!! My mom was/is a malignant narcissist, I've been in therapy for years and just recently stumbled upon these videos thru Red Table Talk!!! I need, not want, but I NEED to change not only for myself, but for my wife and kids!!! It's gonna take A LOT of work, so pray for me!!! ❤🙏❤ ~one~luv~
#NothingIsImpossible
#KeepTheFaith
#BelieveInMiracles
#NavajoNation
#CochitiPueblo
@Black Weirdo Gonna start doing my research on what CPTSD is!!! I've heard that term several times now!!! Thank u for all ur kind words, they are greatly appreciated!!! ~one~luv~
@goddessofamonkeyman Thank u so much for words of encouragement, they are greatly appreciated!!! ~one~luv~
Good luck on your healing journey! It is 100% possible to heal in many ways. I work in mental health and have seen in! NPD is really a form of C-PTSD with the individual primarily stuck in fight mode of the body's fight/flight/freeze response to overwhelming stress. Don't let the negative comments from hurt people discourage you. Pete Walker has a good book on Complex Trauma. Therapy modalities I found non-stigmatizing are NARM, IFS, DBT, and AEDP. You are brave. It takes great strength to do this work! Somatic therapies are also critical to helping with emotional flashbacks that make it difficult to manage emotions. Somatic experiencing and TRE are a couple. Irene Lyon has a channel on TH-cam with a lot of education about how trauma impacts our nervous system and how to regulate it.
The first half of this video was painful, like a dentist describing the pain of a root canal before getting started….pretty terrifying. During the second half I felt relief and hope.
I wish anyone else that’s going through this the best of luck.
Thank you Dr. Ramani
Would you be open to an interview on your path of recovery?
This is very helpful. I've realised I have narcissistic traits and have booked my first therapy session. I need to be a better person.
The struggle I have with the narcissist, and the hurt I’m getting through is the fact that they don’t care enough about me and our daughter to change. Seeing how much he just doesn’t care really stings. However, I accept it, and I’m learning not to take it personally and understand that he views me as an adversary now.
Tomeka, THIS is a hard one 💗 to digest. 🙁
I agree. My wife doesn't care about our daughters either. I'm just happy that my daughters finally see this for themselves.
Mine only cares if he gets something out of it. But it took me 44 years to know that.
I’ve cried , laughed, and have had so many HOLY $HIT moments after just one day of watching . My husband of 25 years has narcissistic blood. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried last couple days from well medical thing and he well your always crying then proceeded to continue his verbal abuse.
II am strong! I
I will gtf out!
I will freaking survive,
I’m calling to find a councillor tomorrow .
I want to thank you for opening my eyes amd telling me that I’m not alone or crazy
Much love ❤
I have struggled with being narcissistic and I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting on my behavior and realized that I do not want to be that person anymore. I realize I’ve hurt a lot of people that I’ve met or interacted with I understand that if I want healthy relationships I need to work on myself. I appreciate you making this video I feel I’ve made good strides by thinking before I speak and listening to what others have to say. I have mentioned this to my therapist and I am waiting for my new insurance to kick in so I can start back regular sessions. I’m ready to turn my life around I’m disgusted at who I’ve become and I’m ready to turn my life around. To everyone that is in the same boat don’t give up and just keep working and don’t quit 🙏🏼
My NARC ex stalks my TH-cam comments so I thought is direct it in a constructive way.
And I am amused
I thought this was impossible because of the algorithm?
How is it possible to stalk TH-cam comments?
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 they can click on your profile pic next to your comments and then it scrolls up. It tracks the last 3 comments. They can go to your channel and it lists out all your comments. You'd be surprised how easy all your business is found.
But I gonna go ahead and mute your responses cause I'm not sitting around explaining stalking techniques to people.
This is incorrect, it is true you can see your last 3 comments on a particular video but that's it, only you can see your own comments, TH-cam designed it this way. Also if you are worried about privacy you can literally hide everything, playlists , subscriptions, likes etc
@@face-in-the-crowd you're so right I'm just going to delete all my comments I've ever written down any where. Thank God for smart people like you keeping the rest of us dummies grounded.
Anyone else here bc they grew up around narcissists and are being one now? Thanks for giving us hope, I hate the way narcissism makes me feel and I hate what it does to everyone I’m supposed to love
I was expecting it to be very hard to watch, but it felt unexpectedly good and healing
Thank you for acknowledging there is always a way out as long as you commit to look for it and do what it takes. I admire your compassion in voicing this perspective, as most of the commentary on these personality styles, as toxic and problematic as they undoubtedly are, sometimes seems like too much of a witch hunt and may leave some of the more self-reflective folks who suspect such issues in themselves hanging in a hopeless, potentially suicidal limbo. Your work is deeply appreciated. 🙏
Hi ResplendentQuetzal! Thanks for your kind words! I'm glad to hear my work has been helpful! Thanks for your generous support and for being part of this amazing community!
BRILLIANT! I had a narc in my life and when I asked her if she could be "nice" to me she said: "You're trying to change who I am..." Wow...what an eye opener. Before her, I had never met anyone who wakes up in the morning desiring to do harm unto others...the 'how-can-I-be-an-asshole-today' attitude. After her statement I had nothing, no retort, just nothing. I just wish she had told me about her attitude in life so that I could have avoided being drained by her narcissistic tendencies for over a decade of my life...
“How can I be an a**hole today attitude” 😂😂😂
This is how some relatives in my start their day!!
My mother. I am your mother, you only have one, it's just the way I am, I will never change bla bla bla...
I finally realized that they have the right to be who they want to be & I have no right to try to change them, but I don't have to put up with their behavior.
same, i said 'can you please not walk in the door cussing and complaining before you even take your shoes off' and he said "you can't ask me to change WHO I AM." Sheesh. these vids and comments are sooooo helpful to validate what i experienced.
Sadly, therapy requires the client/patient to be transparent, authentic, and accountable. Further, the therapist must be knowledgeable about narcissism and abuse dynamics. Most of the time a narcissistic person manipulates a therapist to provide a cover. “Look, I’m in therapy and my therapists says.....”.
Your so right!
Gigi BTSurvivor his therapist ask him a couple of questions, he answers with twists, and therapists says she is narc, and goes on to give him childlike tips to improve his emotions..love himself...hilarious! He never told him how abusive he was, only how lacking his life is..how unhappy and I satisfied with his performance etc...at least I was just waiting for the so called professionalism to give him what he wanted, what he paid for! Third therapist...waste of big money.for the victim , you need to remove from that completely or they will crush u with their game playing.
They know how to manipulate therapists!!
Totally
Pretty much everything that came out of my exes mouth after “my therapist says”, seemed a little odd... Obviously I can’t deny that their therapist said that, (cause, I wasn’t there, and it would be gas lighting to say otherwise,) but they were odd. My therapist told me to get out of the relationship a year before I did, and I should have listened the first time.
"Are you 'response-able'? Do you have the ability to respond?" One of my old gurus used to say that!! I find that when I'm 'below the line' mood-wise, my mind is waaay more reactive. Still haven't fully mastered catching that impulse-response thing, but I've made huge strides in most areas with my narcissistic tendencies. Thanks for this.
Excellent video! One tip I would add that I’m currently working on: “acceptance and recognition”. I mean: accept people’s diversity, how they really are. For narcissists there is only one type of acceptance: the one they expect to fill their needs. Recognition means that we need to think about ourselves and other people as individuals that have an unique identity, which is as valuable as yours. I recognize having some aspects of narcissism as well, coming from a narc family and suffered narc abuse myself, triangulations, manipulation and all that kind of stuff. I’m gonna take these tips seriously, how hard it is I prefer spending my time and energy putting this into practice rather than building myself an image I don’t own. Again, thank you for sharing your content here ❤
I really thought that I was the problem in the relationship until I started watching your videos and getting therapy. I realize now that I am not.
Please, don't use this video to feed your hopes of changing someone. Positive change in narcissists is unlikely because they have to accept responsibility, own it when they mess up. If they don't recognize the problem, there is nothing to change. As Dr. Ramani said, this is hard work, hard work THEY do. Not you. You can't change them.
hani hani it's imposible! They have to do the hard work!
Of course you can't change people's behavioral. But this video will make narcissist who want to change motivated to change into someone that they want.
Well.. About the narcissist people who doesn't want to change... Yeah, you can't change them
Stop your idiotic advice. Stealing hope out of people. U are narcissist too. Look at yourself in the mirror n get a life.
Thank you for showing me the truth about my bad behavior so i can change for my loved ones and apologize to those ive hurt
As a narcissist who wants to change this information is helpful and it opened my eyes to where it stems from in my life. I am definitely trying to make myself better than this.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I’ve been so down because I was one of those believers that “narcissists never change” due to your past videos, but this video really really really helped me out since I’m one of this narcissists trying really really hard every single day to change. It’s so hard, it really is, I am on the brink of giving up because I’m stuck in that duality since I’ve also been diagnosed bipolar with cptsd. I am glad I am doing DBT and I want to change for myself so I can be a better dad for my family.
Npd is different to Bpd, and fortunately medication will help you with bipolar.
Yes follow Dr Les Carter in you tube and read his books
Please do not give up. Everything is possible just you should never give up. You can change. Read John Bradshaw: Homecoming. Reclaiming and healing your inner child. There is a deep hurt inside. Narcissists were victims once they endured constant criticism neglectful parents often even physical abuse. But they got so much hurt something snapped in them and lost faith in humanity. They only expect the worst from people. They live in constant survival mode. They believe they have to fight in order to survive. That someone is either bullied or the bully. They believe this because they were told and shown this is the only way. But it's not true. You can learn better-working coping mechanisms to handle stress and conflicts. You can be strong and assertive without hurting others. You can find role models like Mahatma Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr who achieved this, and nowadays you can find a lot of good books to teach you mindfulness, anger management, assertivity... Religion and prayer might help too. I wish you the best ❤️
We can get better guys. Trust me. Change hurts. Breathe deeply and fully through it all. Become present with yourself. Be honest to yourself. Comfort and console the inner you. Treat your partners, family, and friends better. They deserve it and you do too
Dr. Ramani. I think I have NPD and I'm having a really hard time accepting it. I have hurt so many people in my life including my parents who have passed away years ago. I feel like a total failure in life to both myself and them. I saw this video and it hit home that I need help. In my area I have no one to turn to for counseling as the mental health system in Ontario Canada is way overloaded. I have heard that the average wait time for a space is around 1 to 2 years unless you do something like self harm. I need help badly.
Shane B.
I'm 6 minutes in, and in tears. This helps me tremendously.
I do believe that when someone is able to see that they have Problems and being ready to look at themselfe and try to change their patterns, and really change, then you can not be a narcisist, because they would never admitt that they are doing wrong. I have learned so much and i am still Learning from this Channel. I for sure also have Problems and patterns that i want and going to change. As long as you have empathy for other people and love to give for others and yourself then that is all that matters. Love from Switzerland
its on a spectrum
It is, but how can a narc change when he lacks empathy? How can he Invision himself in the shoes of other people? They will never truly change, no matter their position on the scale. They can just make their behavior more acceptable and pleasant, not hurting others and themselves so much.
@@Jane-gt6ef i do not believe that a narc can change because they do not want to change, but i do believe that a lot of people have some toxic patterns, i did for sure, but i also have empathy and i would never do anything to hurt another Person on purpose. That to me is the difference between a narc and a Person with a heart, can you reflect on yourself and Change the bad patterns or are you going to keep hurting people because you just dp not care. I know that i care. Love from Switzerland
So basically everyone is either an abuser or an enabler or both. No wonder we're all a mess 😫
@@tinylittlebutstillalion4101 Thank you for your explanation. Then, regarding my husband, there might be a hope... He can show (and feel) some empathy, but often is unable to think of consequences of his doings. Love, 🌷