yep. It’s very telling. A good parent can admit their poor behaviour, maybe even apologize? But, they don’t and never will...compromising doesn’t exist.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for saying that. I’m sure when I say this most feel the same way, we often feel the complete opposite of hero’s but the way you explain everything really opens our minds and shows us how resilient we truly are. The way I like to see it is the children of narcissistic parents are warriors who survived the war and the ones who have children afterwards and are the complete opposite of how they grew up are hero’s. Hero’s for the children. I always tell myself that I can thank my narcissistic mother for two things. Giving me life and showing me EXACTLY what kind of parent not to be. And I’m so happy to say that my daughter is an extremely happy child. She gets exactly everything I never did and I make sure of that every day.
Reminds me of Hero by Mariah Carey. I used to listen and love that song when I was younger. Put in headphones and listen while my momster was in a narcissistic rage path.
YES..!!✊🏽 GOTDAM I definitely needed to Hear this..!!! Spot the Phuq On..!! 🎯 Those reared by a Narcissistic Parent have been "Conditioned" to assume responsibility for other People's Black&White, Irrational, Feelings For Facts, Emotional Unreality..!! 🤪=🚑..😷 Constantly invalidating what you believe and feel, even when you have concrete evidence..!!🧐 Once you finally figure out you don't have to give any 💩's (🚫💩's Given..!!✋🏽..😑) how they Phucking feel because it "Set's you on fire..!! 🔥" Expect the "Uproar of Epic Proportions" along with more "GasLighting" and Invalidation..!! And Yep..!! People will begin to look at you as cold and callous because you are being dismissive towards a "Toxic Parent" that CANNOT BE REASONED WITH..!! Your Job at that point is to continue to not give a 💩..!!✋🏽..😑 If they still don't get it..!! Your may have to resort to a "PHUQ HOW YOU FEEL..!!" YOUR FEELINGS AIN'T FACTS" level of defiance with them..!! Good Luck..!! ✈..🤘🏽..😎
I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel when Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissistic parents make me angry." Its nice to hear that somebody actually cares about us.
IT IS NICE TO FEEL THE EMPATHY!! AND THE MORE NICE TRUE PEOPLE WE MEET THE MORE SELF LOVE KNOWLEDGE WE RECEIVE,MY MUM TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE WHEN I LAST BROKE NO CONTACT AND TOLD HER I HAD A BRAIN TUMOUR,IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE,SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE,SO,NO MORE BREAKING CONTACT FOR ME, HOWEVER I DID TELL HER WHAT I NOW KNOW,UR A NARC HISTRIONIC BIPOLAR, DAD WAS PSYCHOPATH ALL ABUSIVE,NO,NO GOING BACK FOR ME,SELF LOVE.UK
Especially when you have people telling you to be nice to your parents, even though you know what they are like behind closed door. It gets frustrating people complimenting, enabling or covering their bad behaviour.
My mom's enablers would tell me "She's your mother! She could die tomorrow!" And I would say "I could die tomorrow too! She had my entire life to think about that possibility"
Kgomotso Malope I’m become evil. When my mom starts bickering ”what can I do?!? I’m gonna die soon!” (when I tell her how hurt I’ve been in my childhood), I just say ”you can die”. She never apoligizes, or anything, of course! This has been going on for 20 years! She tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to come visit her and my even more narcissistic, violent father. She’s so deeply hurt about not excelling at being a mother, like it was some task or competition - but she does not feel empathy towards me. It’s always the same! I have to tell her how terrible my life with them has been, over and over again! It’s been going on for over 20 years. She is always as surprised like she never heard, accusing me ”if I only knew, she says” And I’ve been telling her thousands of times!!! And she has witnessed it herself! She even laughed at my plight, my fear and anxiety when I was kid, like an evil witch! Yet every time I tell her I don’t want to come visit, it’s like a completely new thing, she acts like everything was news to her!
MsJeesus That’s how I look at it. My mother especially abandoned me my entire life. So I abandoned her at the end of her life. Hey, that’s only about 4 years I left her when she left and abused me for 58. No comparison. She deserved to be kicked to the curb decades ago.
I am the daughter of a covert malignant narcissist. My mother lived until 95. I always felt she was too mean to die. I had an older sister who was brilliant but fat. My mother never let her forget it. She had 13 plastic surgeries and a gastric bypass to please my mother. She never married, had 6 abortions that I know of and killed herself at 55. I also never had children. I am married and 71 years old. I am the living member of my family on both my mother's and father's side. I was the FULL TIME caretaker of my mother the last 5 years of her life. After her death I discovered why I had no self esteem, no boundaries and a constant people pleaser. I came across Dr. RAHMANI and learned all of this. There is no one left to discuss this with who knew her. I am kind, compassionate and empathetic. I rescue dogs the one true joy of my life. I want thank all of the people who commented because I now see that I am not ALONE. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
I’m so sorry for what you went through. God makes everything new and He will wipe every tear. Breathe and know that there is so much more to you than the abuse you endured.
The absolute worst part of having a Nacissistic parent is actually the rest of the family enabling them. Like guilt triping you for not accepting being treated that way, or in my case dismissing it completely like i'm making it up or exaggerating. Not having others to turn to is the real hell.
Oh this was my story too. I have no family as it was only healthy by walking away from them all. They ganged up on me and it was a total mind mess up. The family kept my two abusive ex partners in the family even after knowing that. We didn’t keep my sisters abusive exes in the family. One of my sisters is going out with my last ex of 12 years. Good riddance. We all deserve so much better. Much love and big hugs to you my friend.❤️
Thats so true, I came to terms with my mothers behaviours when quite young, but have found it much more difficult to accept the behaviour from my extended family towards me, after years of trying for some kind of acceptance, I've recently made the move and blocked them all, it was much harder than blocking the mother because I like them, whereas I didn't like her, but it's getting easier, and I'm feeling lighter without all those constant unheard 'explanations' whizzing round in my head.
I love the "stop excusing your narcissistic parents on the basis of their back story" my siblings and I did that for a long time until recently I've realized wait I have a back story, they are my back story and it was terrible and I don't behave like them. And my story matters too.
Me too. No matter their past, we all have a decision to change. I didnt treat or raise my children like i was raised, by choice. But my parents kept the cycle going. Also i excused her (my mom) present behavior and amnesia to old age. Yet she can remember what she wants to. Sometimes we excuse people with older age to get a pass. Unfortunately but kind of fortunately my father was murdered 12 years ago. He was a narc too but karma came for him.
One of the toughest aspects of having a covert narcissistic mother - people with parents that weren't narcissists judging me for not being able to have a relationship with my mom. It is like being revictimized all over again.
It's even worse in our culture. South Asian as well. In Muslim culture, honoring your parents is literally the second command after worshiping God. I have such a hard time coping with this considering that my mother is just like yours. I feel no love when I look at her; only anger and grief. I hope God understands my struggle and forgives me when I stand in front of Him one day.
1. You were robbed 2:27 2. Acceptance is a temporary solution 4:14 3. Stop gaslighting yourself 5:25 4. It was not your fault 6:23 5.Stop justifying their actions because they attended basic needs 7:26 6. You may not be at peace until they are gone 8:53 7. Step away from enablers 10:23 8. No contact vs. grey rock 11:15 9. Stop excusing their behavior because of their backstory 12:42 10. Stop wondering what would be like if it was different and reparent yourself 14:44 11. Stop waiting for them to change 17:15
@@migati Thank you so much for saying that. oh you have no idea how much I needed to hear it! I actually have two kids and I always doubt my parenting and if I’m actually helping them. I never doubted loving them, which motivates me to get better.
When I first saw someone close, having an amazing relationship with their mom, I started noticing the nasty interactions at my "home" weren't the normal... Ever since I wonder what a cool, communicative, supporting, friendly, warm family would feel like...
My narc mother recently died. I felt no relief, just completely sad that my inner child still hurts. I actually did not realize how profound the pain is from narcissistic abuse until she died. To all narcissistic abuse survivors, hug your inner child and tell him/her that he/she deserves to be loved.
The hardest part about my mother is she can seem so kind and nice and seem empathetic. Then when I let my guard down she slams me and I get so angry that I fell for it. She is the nice Hostess and everyone comes to confide in her. For me, tough crap, she isn't interested.
Definitely cried at points. We are allowed to grieve and the best part is in having it validated. They can’t take this emotion away from us now. Because we now know we are not crazy, this is real and all of it really happened and it was awful. It is sad the tears are necessary, but they are healthy. I hope you are well on your way to finding your peace.
Gaslighting was the first language taught to me and walking on eggshells was where I took my first steps. 58 years in I finally went no contact 2 months ago. Never too late to learn. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I’ve finally allowed myself to admit to myself that I wish my narcissistic parent would die. Admitting this helped me release a lot of trapped emotions and show up more fully for myself.
Same. I remember in 1996 my father passed away , I thought why couldn’t it be my Mom? My father got the narcissistic abuse from my mom and her family also. She’s 82 now , in mostly good health , and will probably live til her 90’s. Ugh why do the good die young. Seems the worst narcs live forever. 😢
I let myself off the hook for my wishing they were dead when I realized they always covertly felt the same about me. malignant narcs are full to the brim of ill-will. PTSD is permanent fight or flight, the circuit that automatically activates when it detected a mortal threat in our environment. as my trauma therapist said, you as a child didn't know if you would life or die in those moments. absolutely true. and the PTSD → fight/flight SurViVaL mode proves they had murderous intentions despite their forebrains being active enough to inhibit acting on it - aware of police, jail, complete loss of face/public perception being the inevitable result of acting on their extremes of ill-will. ❤️🩹 I hope you found this useful
I have very little to do with my narc dad, yet he expects to control me. I am 60 and do not live with him. He is over-the-top in giving me unasked for advice(dictating to me, based on his unreasonable expectations). I never asked to be treated this way. When I was younger, I complained, he said "tough shit" The jerk!
I don't exactly wish my mom would die. She's alive. I just don't know if I'll feel any sadder at her actual death someday, than when I realized I hadn't really had a mother ever. I was 10 when I felt myself orphaned. I am already and still mourning that loss.
I feel you. This has happened so many times to me and in my adult life it still happens. Not only does my narcissistic father treat me and my brother this way he also extends it to my mother.
I heard a quote by someone talking about gaslighting and saying; I remember this event because it was a life changing moment that affected me forever, for you it was a Tuesday. Of course he or she won’t remember but you do.
Me too. My dad makes up stories of neglect and abuse so shocking to all our extended family, and I have had to defend myself in court several times. Shame was heaped on me as a bad daughter caused me to have a heart attack and cost all my savings. My sister also a narc took all my my late mother's belongs for herself including jewelry and my childhood photos. My dad got police to throw me out without notice. Gave all my belongings to my sister to be spiteful. Run away.
"Orphanages would do the same thing" 100% I can't stand it when parents think they are doing their children a favour by feeding and housing them. Thats child abuse!!! the children didn't ask to be born!!! Children don't owe these people anything!!
That's the one thing I never understood about my parents (particularly my mother). Such a martyr. Seriously - the things that would (to any normal person) be considered the very normal and ordinary expectations of parenthood were held up to be some sort of enormous sacrifice. People like that are just far too emotionally inadequate to be parents. :-(
@@louisewainwright8785 I thnk it began with being too emotionally immature to get married, but they were forced back then by age 22-25 max. We kids were doomed.
My mother would tell me things like " the world doesn't revolve around you" and " life is a two way street" if I complained that she forgot to pick me up from school again. I was 7. I had to walk back 2km alone. I often got the impression that she actually wanted something to happen to me. She would've loved milking all the sympathy and attention she could out of it.
And sometimes don't even feed them, the middle school near my house has to give out free lunches all summer and even during a normal school year, all the kids get free lunches.
The irony is they’ll tell you “don’t be so sensirive” for disliking their insults. But if you dare to simply call them out on their behavior, they explode with rage. So it’s ok for them to be “sensitive” ?
Calls other people "sensitive" when they are the most sensitive person in the room. Inappropriately communcating with others and then have a problem when the person stands up for themselves, labeling them as "sensitive".
I am that person. I came out a loving person who helps others and loves the earth and saves animals. I am nice to everyone I meet. Even my adult son learned from my parents he could really abuse me and he does. And it hurts to be in my own really but you know what? I will always be a nice person. I think you are a wonderful person for posting that. It means you are a nice person. You made my day and week and life really. I feel like a victor now having read your comment. Thank you
And also become a codependent. It has been a struggle all my life balancing being a kind, compassionate person without being a doormat. Let's say I am covered with shoe prints.
My family constantly reminds me of how soft and simple I am. They say Im too nice with no backbone. I know how horrible my mother makes me feel and I refuse to treat anyone without respect and compassion except my mother.
Self Love + Self Respect + Self Responsibility....= UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!...Therefore love/empathy/compassion....is the simplicity ....To expand to life!.....these traits are being abused!...
Seriously. Who cares what they went through to become narcissists. They made their choice to be one just as much as we've made our choice not to be. I grew up with two of them. Why did I not become a narcissist? Give me a break.
@@nunyabiznes3901 My mom had a rotation system for Golden Child based on who was complying with her bullshit and projections, obedience and psychological attacks according to her standard in any given moment. I would say that she is primarily a malignant narcissist. She made sure we all know that she would transfer the title of Golden Child in any given moment in exchange for the Scapegoat and vice versa. This is a division tactic that keeps us all divided and conquered, so that we are less likely to band against her, too, which is what we see in the world. But you would think all of us would choose to go the other way since we have all been treated horribly. For some reason my younger brothers just can't see our parents the way that I see them, as their own classes of narcissist, and because of their denial, they have become narcissistic/enablers themselves...
The back stories. Oh my God, the back stories. "My mother dropped me on my head when I was a child". I swear to God if I ever hear my father say rhat again I'm going to make him relive it.
@@RegisteredNurse926 i don't know how old your brother is, but i had a similar situation with my brother, but let me tell you- he finally saw it. For years i was the only one who saw it and tried to confront me dad but i was always the only one. It was hard. My dad even told me i wasn't allowed over to his house for 2 years (he said i wasn't his daughter anymore). And yet they all spent the holidays together without me. No one said "hey steve, you're being ridiculous. Shelah is coming over since it's christmas. If you don't like it you can leave." But my brother finally saw it. He has a kid now and he refuses to let our dad be around him. My mom also is finally divorcing him. I hope your brother comes around. I still have a brother younger than me who doesn't seem to care or think our dad has a problem. "We should love him" is what he says, but what he means is "Let's help him stay this way."
@@carissamarella9614 be grateful if they *stay the same* that's all you can hope for They get worse as they become elderly because they legitimately need help - which of course they exaggerate anyway - and it ramps up the self obsession But just as toxic for sure Just with more age related problems they expect everyone to solve *constantly* Some real some not But don't expect them to miraculously turn into a sweet old person because they don't
@@justflufflez7582 sometimes we wish they will change, because deep down we want to feel loved.. and we subconsciously have a belief of "if they are willing to change, it must happen because they want to be better parents for me (thus they must love me)" , while the truth is their ability/willingness to change or not has nothing to do with us.. it has a lot to do with themselves, of letting go of their own inner wounds and bitterness in their own life (that has nothing to do with us) and what i learned to accept is, it's not our responsibility to heal them and it's not our duty to make them become the parents we wished they could be for us.. and accept that it's not that they don't love me, it's just they are just unable to love me in a "Healthy" way of loving me as a child, and no matter what i do for them, it won't change them into becoming "normal" parents i wanted them to be.. So now, i only do things that i am willing to do out of my own willingness, and not because of feeling guilt or duty.. because the truth is, they put so many expectations and responsibilities upon us.. so learn to not feel responsible for their wellbeing, because that pressure is what cause us to feel suffer from having narcissistic parents.. once i learnt to detach from my guilt (no longer feel responsible for my parents wellbeing, ex: fulfilling their expectations), having a narcissistic parent doesn't feel that burdensome as it used to feel 😊 oh and it's not selfish or narcissistic to unburden ourselves from something that is not supposed to be our responsibility in the first place
@@vaderx2000 Do u, move , join the military , get as far away as possible , limited contact or go no contact if u can handle it and live a great life , they will hate that , Best of Luck , God Bless
I think the statement is implicitly true, but for a therapist to bring it up is really just bad therapy. Sometimes people's 'best' is complete failure... Even for a mother/father who drowns their infant in the bathtub you can still say "they did their best"
This is often an excuse used for parents who had tough background or were fairly poor. Very similar the way some people will excuse the behaviour of criminals based on their tough upbringing Still no excuse imo - if you can’t raise them properly, then don’t have them.
Unfortunately occasionally even a well-meaning therapist can gaslight a client unintentionally.It's a example of how many therapists are still under-educated about this specific form of abuse,understanding the basics of NPD as a disorder is only ½ of it...The other ½ is learning about just how deep the 🐰 hole actually goes in regards to their abusive behaviors & it's effects on OTHER people.When discussing NPD it can't just focus on the actual narcissist because the very nature of their behaviors inevitably effects the people around them significantly.NPD essentially has very abusive behaviors BUILT INTO IT by it's very nature & it is so important for everyone to fully understand that.My own humble opinion would be to immediately seek a new therapist if you find yourself feeling gaslit or invalidated during therapy & not to be shy about asking them if they understand the mechanics of gaslighting,projection,etc among other common narc behaviors.Probably 1 of the most important things about these narcissistic abuse communities is that it helps create a safe space for survivors to feel understood & heard as well as being a place that helps to educate victims about what they've gone through so they can start healing & ultimately know how to recognize these screwballs so they never have to go through long-term narcissistic abuse again.Best wishes for your path to healing & peace.
It's an old saying... not true. My parents did their least, did the minimal, did nothing but the mediocre and abused us in the bargain. Those old rationalisms are maddening...I hate hearing them.
WOW, the last phrase hit me hard. "having to survive that and still keep your empathy and compassion makes you a hero". That is the deepest validation my inner child can get. Thank you.
My teen daughter was the first person to say to me that food and shelter alone means you were emotionally neglected. My head just exploded. How did I never see that!?
My father used to brag about that , I told him we had just as much as the family dog but he actually showed the family dog affection , I’m glad at least the dog got some love , he was a good ole boy, all survivors - put yourself first , love yourself first, you deserve it
My husband IS a hero. His dad was a narcissist and tried to sabotage his life at every corner, and physically abused him sometimes horrifically. He went to a 4 year university and studied sociology and now educates kids with disabilities. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, and most gentle man I know. A real hero.
I think the most frustrating thing is when the whole family lines up behind the narcissist(s) and then tells the scapegoat it's because they don't want to take sides or get caught in the middle, but they are picking a side by doing that. Then they gaslight the scapegoat by refusing to hear anything they have to say, but they certainly sat there and heard the narcissist's side of the story.
I’m seriously going through this right now !!! I made a video on my channel. I feel like my mother and her daughter turned the whole family against me . But it’s fine I’m gonna continue to block people and worry about the family god blessed me with
Dr ramani, when my father died I felt this immense peace, huge. I felt no grieve. I forced my self to grieve and cry but it was the peace that made me stronger. I still feel that peace. He can't hurt me no more. And I'm happy.
I can imagine that! My father almost killed me when I was 7 years. How can I miss him?! Don’t feel guilty about not missing him or not wanting to have any contact! Yet my mother has now played everything so that I have to go by him medicine in the pharmacy! He never did anything for me as a child! Only destroyed my life!
I'm almost 70, and to this day, I can't stand it when babies cry. I would immediately try to run out of the room or even leave a shopping center. A very nice and empathetic person once told me that it's my own inner child that used to cry like that as a little kid. For me, this is still a reminder of how narcissistic mothers impact us for a lifetime. I can't thank you enough for your invaluable assistance, Dr. Ramani, I will hold you in my heart forever. ❤
I can’t stand to hear babies cry. Many people find it distressing to hear babies cry especially mums .,,it’s got nothing to do with your inner child crying that’s rubbish.
I have narcissistic parents and a narcissistic step dad and my sister and daughter and I are total empathy and we can't seem to stop kissing their butts and trying to please them no matter what they do and they can't stand our kindness and thoughtfulness towards them or especially towards anyone else , they think it is a foolish trait to be thoughtful . Give them a gift and something is always wrong with it or as mom puts it " I wish people would not give me all this crap that just clutters up my house and now I have to find somewhere to put it "
@@samme1024 That thought kept me going for the longest time and when it does happen, you don't realise that you're free straight away. But believe me, it does get better eventually, I just had to keep reminding myself that it was over.
Joanne, I can't believe I just read these words. The same thing happened to me, only I had not put it together as you have. OMG. So that WAS it! I am sure it was. Thanks for that amazing insight.🙏👍🥂
@@imadielariel3109 You are so very welcome, mine was a strange sort of guilty relief at first, then disbelief, I just couldn't come to terms with finally being free after so many decades of sheer misery. Good luck and a good life for you my friend, it does eventually get so much better.
I gaslight myself everyday for what I think and feel. "I should think that or feel that way instead of what I think and feel right now" And this "should" is clearly my narcissistic mother
I know my mom is a narcissist. When my sister was born she became 'the child she deserved' and I was told she couldn't get rid of me because the cops didn't like the things she was thinking of. It got worse over the years. My dad, well I'm 52, and he still talks to me like I'm a stupid peice of sh%t. And he was horribly physically abusive as well. He was a blacksmith, and would beat me as hard as he could. I don't have anything to do with either of them these days. The family _knows_ he was bad. So when I was constantly full of rage at my treatment, being alone, being singled out as the scapegoat, the rest of the family just scratched their heads while mom directed their attention away from herself. People tell me, well that's you're mom! That's your dad! And I tell them, "Yeah, well bad people have kids, too." Your words at the end. Thank you, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. It made me cry. Thank you.
I am sorry for your pain and all that you endured. And I am incredibly sorry you were alone in that pain as everyone that was supposed to protect chose to turn the other cheek. I think that is the worst part. I can understand this pain and alone feeling, so I want you to know that when you are speaking in the dark in your mind, I hear you. I hold space for you. Remember, a seed has to break apart in darkness in order to grow. Sending you love...because you deserve it.
Even prisons provide shelter and clothing to the inmates. I love it when people try and say that because a parent did that it automatically makes them good.
My mom used to say "I could have given you up for adoption." I told her once "I wish you would have". They really think they went all out providing basics (if that).
@@rachelb4235 I swear if I or my younger two siblings ever said that to my birth parents when we were kids, you bet your ass we would have been a) sent to our rooms, and b) grounded for [instert amount of time here], because that's back talk. At the very least we would have been yelled at. I would not doubt for a second the possibility that my sister may have said similar things, but I wouldn't know due to not being present for a lot of those arguments.
Yes. This. So much this. I would venture to say that many of us with a narcissistic parent did not have a healthy co-parent, due to the narcissist choosing a non-healthy co-parent and the damage inflicted by the narcissist. As such, knowing what healthy parenting is like would be helpful.
@@davidburesh yes - my narcissistic parent chose someone he could control and I was born just as her level of depression was debilitating her so I got childhood emotional neglect from one & narcissistic abuse from the other. Now I get to look back on my demolished life to see the results of their bs... and I started using tools & language like reprogramming myself & being my own parent etc 30 years ago. The bottom line is, the damage was done & now it's too late & that reality just sux.
Check out Richard Grannon’s TH-cam CPTSR Thrivers: "Sad Baby" as an Abused Archetype (Supra State) of Stacked Emotional Flashback (CPTSR = Complex Post Traumatic Stress Response). Also, Dr. Ramani said she would be expanding on this, so hopefully, that means more to come on the inner child and reparenting.
When I started no contact with my family 6 years ago, I felt overwhelming sadness, guilt and shame for leaving. A good friend corrected me, saying they left me way before I left them!
I met a man who was my father's friend, on my 40th birthday, when I explained I was my father's daughter. He was shocked he had known my father for thirty years and my father had never told him he had a daughter. That was the moment that changed my life. I no longer have anything to do with my father.
I can relate. And it hurts doesn’t it? I had an employee of my father come to my home say to me: “I never knew your Dad had a daughter.” I was stunned but not surprised. My father is a misogynist and my golden child brother works for him. My Dad is one of 4 brothers. It was always about “the boys”.
I went "no contact" when I turned 40. It was having my own children that started my healing and realizing my mom was toxic because I could never do to my babies what my mother did to me and my brother.
ive had 20 years so far strong of estrangement from toxic-junkie-abusive mom (deadbeat junkie dad walked out in my 3rd grade year). I hear you, friend. real talk. it can be done. we make these choices very, very carefully and seriously. i see you in this, and i respect your choice(s) to walk away.
Thank you! I'm literally crying : ) I'm an Empath. Imagine how intensive it is to be with a Narcissistic Sociopathic parent. It's a life long recovery for us.
Having a narcissistic parent is literally the most loneliest feeling in the world. Instead of you coming first it’s switched around. Many times in my life I needed my mother there for me and she wasn’t. I’ve learned to survive on my own while carrying the emotional baggage. I hope one day I can heal fully from the trauma and pain.
I feel really similar. It’s a tough process parenting yourself and healing with this trauma, as I feel it’s such a grey area kind of abuse. I’ve only found solace online about my feelings of being narcissistically abused, it’s not really a popular topic of discussion in greater culture. There’s a lot of people who are victimized in this way, and adopt these harmful traits too.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Every momumental moment in my life, positive or negative, I was alone. Very minimal support from the one loving parent.
This made me cry. I have suffered from their narcissism and overprotectiveness since I was little. Not to mention the constant fights they would have. I was taught voicing my own opinions was a negative thing, because every time I would express my feelings/thoughts, whether it is as insignificant as wanting to do my hair or feeling stressed about an upcoming exam, they would dismiss and invalidate my feelings or rage and gaslight me to believe I am all that is to blame. Therefore, I have grown to be a person who is not really good at communicating, especially expressing myself since I tend to ignore my own feelings. This really affects my mental health because I keep bottling up, and I am extremely unproductive most of the time when I am in the same household. Other than that, I am 20. I make my own money with no allowance from them. I have just flown alone to another country for a work trip, but they would still flip over me hanging out late when they know I am somewhere just 10 minutes away from home. I know they’re doing this because of “concerning for my safety” but I am able to take care of myself and it makes me so stressed and exhausted from trying to prove to them I am capable of being independent. They don’t realise all these would just push their child further and further away. Rn my biggest goal is to finish studies and earn enough to move out. Sorry for such a long comment, I just needed to express this somewhere. You’re a legend for reading this, hope you can achieve what you want in life
Please continue to keep going with your education and work. Being the child of narcissistic parents is excruciatingly painful, but you are living your life. You are going forward! That is wonderful. I hope you continue to thrive. Here’s to self efficacy! 🙌🏼
In my twenties, after a devastating depression, I read a lot, left the church, did therapy, and slowly tried to overcome. I was determined not to pass on the generational BS and toxicity to my future children. It was a tough road, and I'm still healing at the age of 59, but my two grown children are wonderful caring people, and the best accomplishment of my life.
I hope to be in your shoes one day. I am 28 and I hope I’m given the privilege of having children. The child in me wants to nurture them and give them what I never got. I’m not sure why, but that’s the biggest thing I yearn for.
Living with my narcissistic dad was like being in prison at your own home, you are not allowed to have your opinion on things(he expected me to agree with his narc views), you are supposed to blindly obey any orders given and always have to put up a fake persona and pretend everything is "okay", I tried committing suicide several times, the first time when I was 9. Right now I'm 16 and live alone thankfully but he still finds ways to manipulate me Edit: Oh woow!! I did not expect this much support, thank you very much for you kind words everyone ❤❤🙏🙏
Stay strong, there’s so much strength in you and there is a reason why you’re still here and why you’re watching this Your life has a purpose and I pray for your soul on its journey to healing. You and your life matters ❤️
I also had a narcissistic dad, and my experience was similar. I struggled with suicidal thinking from my mid teens until I was nearly thirty, when I got hospitalized for it. After that I finally started getting treatment, and eventually went no contact. Don't give up. I don't know what your personal journey out of that place will look like. I do know how awful that place is. But I also know it's possible to get out. Don't give up.
The narcissist parent makes things horribly confusing because some days they feel like presenting themselves as benevolent and are actually nice. It’s a trap.
Wow we are all here for the same reason and yes I have been struggling if my separation from my 80 year old mother was best but know I can say sometimes the guilt plays with me but I'm strong through therapy for the past 9 years I'm healing and iv made it out and healing and taking care of myself mentally and physically iv got my feet on ground with no looking backwards and no more long explanations of why she can't come over or why I can't come spend time with her I love her but I love me more ..thank you for speaking Dr .And everyone in comments keep healing
you always need to think about the psycholigical basis: survival. narcissism is not a joke, its a survival strategy. there is suffering and pain unimaginable behind it that fuels all types of short-, mid- and long term strategies to keep objects close that regulate their self-worth. lying, cheating etc. p.p. its not a joke, not a past time, its SURVIVAL. imagine true hunger for food... dispair for food. this is what it feels like and why its so tough to deal with. *cough*
A trap. Yes it’s a trap. A trap!!!! I had cognitive dissonance. I believed that parent was the good one who recognized me as their child,, but at the same time always felt like Charlie Brown and the football. Believed the lies every time.
It doesn't stop in childhood. It's awful and everyone misses the abuse,it's an invisibility. Horrible. I think I was given to the wrong family since I'm the opposite.
So validating to see that dr. Armani is genuinely angry with this topic. I remember that when I was six, I went grocery shopping with my narc mom and helped carrying a cake from the store. When I tried to put it in the back of the car, I accidentally dropped it. A short moment later I was fed up with an absurdly raging mother yelling that I have to get back to the store and get a new cake. She send me without money. I entered the shop crying with the broken cake in my tiny arms. The shop assistant gave me a new one for free. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. It is still the most mind boggling memory to me.
I was born 3 months premature and almost died. My narc mother blamed me for being born premature. She said all of their financial problems and medical bills were my fault. The hospital let my parents pay the bill over 10 yrs.
My mother gave a five year old (me) a gallon of milk to pour milk into the glass. When I spilled the milk (because I lacked the physical strength and the eye-hand coordination to successfully complete such a task), she spanked me for spilling the milk. When I cried and apologized saying it was an accident, she said that the policeman doesn’t care if you did something bad on accident, he’s still going to arrest you or give you a ticket. Talk about gaslighting. And no empathy. 😞
"That never happened" the 3 words that will destroy your soul...46 years old today and still being gaslighted. Best of all that same narcissistic parent wanted to give me a book about God. Wow!!! She seemed to forget I found God on my own with no help from either of my parents. Tired of my family choosing my destiny I chose my own.
“That never happened” and “You’ve got real problems” were always the response when I would finally stand up to or call out my mom. Once, when I was 32, and was winning an argument with her, she said, “You’re just screwed up because you had pimples as a teenager”. Really?! That was her only weapon she had left because I was finally standing up to her.
Me: "They are mean to me" Mom: "But they are nice to all of us" Since I was a kid this is what she always said... Now I am 36...left all of them behind with no contact. When people ask where is ur family, I say they are dead
Cari. Lmao Same with mine. Abandoned me and gossip with my sibbs then guilt trip me back. Then tell me I need to read the Bible.. double middle fingers. They don’t change. I’m 63
My mom has lied SO. DAMN. MUCH. I've caught her in lies that she couldn't deny. She's never acknowledged or apologized. I've outted her to the point where she couldn't even argue. Now she says I've never lied to you. She'll even say it in front of her friends "I told her the other day, I've never lied to you." I don't talk to her anymore.
@Return2Peace - Your mental health is of utmost priority and importance. You are feeling guilty because you have the normal requirements of a sane person who does not want to do others wrong and sometimes blame yourself even when they do it. It means you have empathy. That’s a lovely quality. Abuse and mis-treatment has not turned you into a dragon. Be proud of yourself 🌼 Again, your mental health is of utmost importance and narcissists will work relentlessly at you until they completely destroy you if given the opportunity, then they may want to dig your grave and “torture” your bones if they could. They are sick, demented people who have the devil himself as their father. Pray hard and let God lead, guide and give you inner peace. Take it one day at a time, embrace that peace and don’t feel guilty. Take care of yourself - God bless 🙏
Most of the time she just intended on torturing me. I grew up with mom, dad brother on earth assist and then me. But there are many times when she just straight up wanted me dead and
My whole life (especially in my late teens/early 20s) I wondered why I cried so much, why I wanted to end my life so many times, why my self-worth is below zero, and many more... I just wished I went to a therapist in my 20s when I was initially thinking of doing that. But I just thought I am too emotional, it will get easier, etc. When I gently confronted my dad about this recently, first he laughed (that I am being ridiculous), and then he acted like a victim - 'why am I trying to hurt his feelings', or 'I am being ungrateful'. That realization that I was raised in a conditionally-loved home with a manipulative narcissist dad and an extremely co-dependent mother (who btw on the surface look like a perfect marriage/family), makes me so sad... so so sad...
I had a similar moment with my dad. I told him i never felt loved by him. I wanted things to change. (Was TERRIFIED to tell him that by the way, and it my best friend's mom who told me I should confront him). All he did was get defensive and tell me how loving he has been ever since I was born and how I've been difficult. It's weird looking back thinking things were so hard, but not knowing it was because my dad was a terrible person. I never knew my reactions to his verbal abuse were normal. My mom sounds like your mom. She's been codependent, in denial, enabling him for years, and trying to survive... but thinks she's helping him. I don't know how old you are or if you still live with your parents, but I'm 35 and I can tell you there is ALWAYS hope. All of my siblings have stopped talking to my dad and we refuse to have holidays at my parent's house since he will be there, which impacted my mom and put pressure on her to make a change. We have confronted my mom many times and told her she has to start putting her foot down. My youngest brother lives at home (16) and it took him failing school, cussing constantly, smoking, skipping school and lying about it, and threatening to beat up my dad for my mom to finally make a change. She is currently in the process of a divorce and we all celebrated. My mom's brothers are happy as well. Anyway, I found the most comfort and healing by talking to God about it. I found out how real he is and how much he loves me when I broke my heart open and told him everything. I highly recommend trying it. Also, talking to friends about it helps too. And journaling. There was a moment that it finally hit me that he wouldn't change. He would never show interest in my life. He would never ask me personal questions. He would never show me affection or really see me, and certainly never understand me. Realizing that will never happen helped me move on. Now if i see him, i act like I'm at work, and put on a fake smile, and never share anything personal or real.
I hear you, and I feel you. I have a narc mother. I just turned 50 this year and I just found out about her NPD this year. Was sooooooo confused about everything all those years. Tried to take my own life when I was a child. Indeed traumatic. Learning about it though was a huge eye-opener. Now I kind of feel sorry for her and I just pray for her. I pray that when it's time, she'll be deserving of heaven despite it all. She's still my mother and also a child of God. But everything that's happened also makes me so, so sad. The grief inside is intense. You just learn to bear it and just look forward to much better, happier days of healing and recovery.
@@theshellest thankyou for sharing your experience. Just gave me a ray of hope. Right now I am not financially independent and live with my parents. With every passing day, it gets harder to survive. I hope things get better in future when I would keep no contact with my narcissistic father.
Bingo! I’ve talked to counsellors. I watch videos I’ve read magazine articles. I talked to strangers. Nothing and I mean nothing has hit home like this video here. it almost felt supernatural or freaky because it’s like she studied my entire life and summed up, and she was talking to me directly from my phone to my face
I cried when you said that I will feel relief when they'll pass away. I know it's true. I thought about it so so many times. But hearing from someone else, feeling seen on such intimate thoughts, feeling understood by someone who doesn't even know me... Hit a lot
My first narcissistic abuser died this year and I felt so weightless when I was told he had died. I finally felt freer to walk in my own world, even though I had gone "no contact" six years before his death. Do not feel bad for being happy when it does happen. Their death allows so much fear to dissipate and it feels wonderful.
Yes we truely love our parents thats why have huge impact on our lives...but all parents need to leave us one day and will live with us thru genes.. We will always love them no matter how they were to us.
I had two narcissistic parents, and I endured hell with them. I hung in there for decades to prevent estrangement, enduring verbal & emotional abuse. I reached a breaking point in 2005 and I broke off with both of them (they lived to be 89 and 91...I couldn't tough it out anymore). I was so relieved when my mother died in 2011 at age 89. She had threatened suicide daily since she was 50. I felt she was finally dead as she had wanted. My father died in 2015 at age 91 - when I got the call, I felt utter relief that I was finally free for the first time in my life! The world feel hopeful, flowers were prettier, people were nicer!!!!! My NEW life!!! This "prisoner" daughter was set free and had the keys in HER hand!!! (Yes, I was co-dependent & needed lots of therapy).
Big hugs 🤗 It was such a relief not to have them in my life ever again. I shut my dad out after my Mother died, as I only had contact with him sometimes when I was caring for my Mother during her longterm illness. I had no reason to be around that mean person ever again. I had no regrets ending any contact. None. 10ish years later he died. I didn’t care. I had no feelings for him. I still have capacity to love and care for others, and that wasn’t broken from me. Thank goodness I can love and have compassion. You’re doing great!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Talk to that little child inside each day. Encourage and give love to them. That child is you! And you matter! You are wonderful! You deserve good things!! You are a beautiful, smart, kind, loving person! You matter! You are enough and you don’t have to prove it to anyone!!! 🤗🤗🤗♥️
Being the only person in my family who isn't a narcissist makes me the scapegoat and outsider. The best thing I can think of accomplishing in my life is NOT fitting in with those evil people. No matter what, I'm thankful I'm not like them. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for these videos/lessons. They're very helpful!
ericanorton71 That’s exactly what I say to myself. I was the only empath in the family among narcissists and now that I am no contact I think, at least I’m not a narcissist like them! They mocked and insulted me but I wouldn’t want to be them either. Deep down beneath the facade they hate themselves.
Exactly how i feeeeeeeel.... I am the youngest among 5 siblings... And they are all the same... They are gaslighters but each in a different degree... But the oldest is the worst... She is like the golden goat for my parents
I've always felt guilty when I would say out-loud or to myself that I only began living my best life when my parents were no longer in it. I don't feel so guilty anymore. ♥
My mother died when I was 30. I cried at the time, but I didn’t grieve, if that makes sense. It took *five years* for me to even realize life had not been “normal”. Not even close. Just to see her face in my mind is triggering, even now, 40 years later. The best I can do is manage. I don’t think I will ever heal.
Dad was M.I.A., Mom was a lifelong narcissist, until the day she died. You are so right- she did think she’d live forever. I visited her a couple times a year, and each time she would end up saying, “Go Home, don’t come back!” One of her favorite sayings was, “oh go on!” Gaslighting, and invalidating any subject from our past I would bring up. It helps so much to recognize now, what she was. Thank you!
Exactly the same situation as mine! I didn’t realize untill now that my mom is actually narcissistic because she covered it with constantly doing household chores and l always believed l had to feel pity for her. 😢
I have NEVER EVER heard it said this way before. Everybody...EVERYBODY, including therapists, say things like "You have to forgive them and move on." or "You have to confront him and clear the air." or "Maybe THEY had a tough upbringing." or "They did their best." These folks don't seem to have trouble undermining and trivializing your trauma with that nonsense. THANK YOU DR RAMANI for giving me a sense of clarity and validating the approach that took me years of heartache to build. 'Bout damn time someone kept it real.
THIS. Something I learned recently in an podcast about Narc abuse is that you will never find reconciliation with them because everything is a competition and they need to remain superior. It's not up to us to find the right words, or forgive or "clear the air" because they will never understand your perspective. Personally I find that very painful but also incredibly liberating as part of the healing process that it isn't a YOU problem. Sending love and wishing you the best for your recovery from this trauma 💜
It sounds like those therapists lack competence in recognising what the issues are and / or have no understanding of narcissistic family systems. I can only imagine the frustration of dealing with a therapist who adds their voice to all the gaslighting enablers, instead of helping you to heal from it.
I ask: "what did those people ever do for you, that you should take their side? What makes you think that you know anything about their actions and behaviors and motivations? What makes you even think that you could know more about them than I do? Maybe it's really exactly the exactly the way that I'm telling you. Can you let that idea penetrate for a moment? There are abusive parents, you know. You do watch the news?"
@@AR-vu4hrI had the same reaction. I've never met a therapist who sided with the narcissist parent to the detriment of the patient in front of them, but that would be awful.
This is so relevant, I can’t even explain how frustrating when people say “ they are your parent, you need them”. Please, my narcissistic was a sperm donor.
Most people who say things like that are just enablers ( in best case scenario ) you should absolutely not care about their stupid opinion. Every now and then there IS someone who is just a little dumb or naive and genuinely doesnt understand. If you feel the need, for whatever reason, to make them see/ understand your point more this helps: Ask them if they are for or against child abuse. Dumbest question in the world right? Every one in his right mind is against child abuse. So their answer will be: I am against child abuse. Then you can say: " I was that abused child once " It can help a lot. Greetings from the Netherlands 🇳🇱
In the past, I may have partially excused my father's narcissism on the basis of his backstory but it was also a really useful way for me to have compassion for him. Nowadays I don't excuse his narcissism at all but if I can find a way to have empathy for him then that is really liberating for me because I can at least acknowledge the empathy inside me and the fact that I have somehow managed to become a much more compassionate person than he ever will be.
I agree with you 💯 percent. To not have compassion and let it go from that angle means to keep yourself imprisoned and poisoned with resentment. Let God and let go.
My mother loved having “cheerleaders” in an argument. Wether it was her friends our my sibling the more people she can use to push you down the happier she got. Just evil behavior.
My mom liked to have "public" when she yell at us. When my and my older siblings grow up (+14) and put at end when she yells at one of us, she started to yells just 1 of us in front of our baby sister (4yo). BTW, Sorry for my english.
THIS. My mother always looked for people to support her, even if it was about some very insignificant opinion that we didn't share. It made me feel as if it was everyone against me. As if my ideas and feelings were so wrong that everybody would agree that I was trash. This effed me up so badly, I still have trouble being myself in a group of people being I fear the "everyone against me" dynamic. Slowly moving towards healing and self validation ♥️
My mom actually made me believe I was schizophrenic for over a decade but never encouraged me to get help just stop talking about abuse I faced as a child I feel you. We are survivors !!!
There is more to that verse, that always seems to be left out... “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
I remember sitting in church as a young person and wondering what about "protect and love your children"? That's not in any religious teaching. I left the church 40 years ago and am an atheist. I'm so much happier.
God! So true! Now, in retrospect, I see why my father always emphasized that to me” ALWAYS question authority. You have only ONE authority. You know what’s right for YOU, and that’s between YOU and God”. He was the healthy parent., and I miss him soooo much now, as an adult!
I think we honor what is honorable. There may yet be something in them you can honor, but if not, trust that the truth can set you free. (See, picking out one verse to beat someone up with while ignoring the rest is not how you do it.) Peace & healing to you!
Thanks for not giving up, keep fighting and stay strong family. ❤ I know every second of your life might be hard.. This we're going through is INSANE. EVERY D*MN DAY IT HAS AN AFFECT ON US. YOU are the people i want to meet at the gates of heaven. PLEASE HEAL QUICK AND DISCOVER YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. All my love and respect to these WARRIORS. YOU NEVER GAVE UP!!!!! YOU NEVER GAVE UP FIGHTING. GOD BLESS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL FOR NOT GIVING UP, EVEN THOUGH YOU WANTED TO SO MANY TIMES. MY HEROES! EACH AND ONE OF YOU. THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD THINGS WAITING FOR US OUT THERE.. GET OUT THERE AND CLAIM WHAT'S YOURS. SPREAD THE BEAUTIFUL LOVE YOU HAVE INSIDE OF YOUR HEART. ❤
Same. It can hurt me but I don't cry anymore. I love that because it means that a part of me has accepted that this will always happen and I can't always cry about it.
TBD very good point, was trying to get my head around it, but yes when necessary they can switch on the charm but be cruel to a child, they know what they’re doing. They know not to treat colleagues or friends like that. That’s my reasoning that they are bad in their very core. My father very successful in business. A total shmuck in the home.
I always say that I’ve grieved not having a maternal, nurturing, loving mother my whole life and when she dies, I’ll feel relief, not grief, as those with loving mothers feel at their passing. I’m sorry for your lifelong pain, but am glad you feel relief and peace now, which you deserve.
I feel the same as you two, my mum 94 y on thursday... I have already grieved. Now I must take care of myself. I got sick of it. Both my mum and my first husband betong to this group of people. My dad an enabler... and emotionally handicapped.
I felt the same way about my dad. I didn't realize he was a sadistic narc, until the past week. He's been gone for over 20 years. I said, right after he died, that our relationship INSTANTLY improved!!
Hearing you say that "i was robbed" made me cry. I may be 59 years old but the pain never goes away, in fact I think it worsens. Not being loved as a child affects many if not all aspects of ones life. Narcissistic parents are the most cruel sentence to bear. Since the age of 2 I knew that something wasn't correct and plotted my escape. My entire childhood was dictated by silent treatments, cruelty and abuse. Oh of course when I got good grades I was rewarded but that made it even worse. Not being told once that I was loved, by either parent or siblings, is more damaging than can be imagined.
The first 5 minutes.... i cried and cried and cried,.... It's like Dr Ramani was both parents I never had! She has been the first person (starnger) to validate what I have felt for 44 years!!! IT IS WRONG TO ROB A CHILD OF THEIR CHILDHOOD.. END OF!!!
Ur comment sounds exactly how I feel. I'm 46, can totally reason with u. My biggest regret is not cutting off contact years ago when my kids were little, to get the the hell away from my mother n sister. But, I didn't see n understand the way I do now. A narcissist grandparent is 100 x's worse. Sickening. I've been NC for 3 yrs now. Keep ur head up n don't look back. U will start to feel peace and happiness slowly, day by day. Good for u. Proud of u. It's not easy! Once I found all the videos on YT and realized what was wrong with my narc mom n GC sister, 2 months later, I was no contact. Never looked back. It gets easier. When u question itself or feel bad, listen to the videos. There is a guy, his channel is "narcissism survivor", his pic is a hand held up to a lil blinds baby. His videos saved me! I started from the oldest video and watched every one. They r the best on you tube, to explain narcissistic mother's. He is a regular person, who has lived a life of hell due to his narc mom. Listen to him, u won't regret it. He's amazing! Besides Dr Ramani, he is only other person I listen to. Also, there is an article by Owlcation, called "psychological murder, death by covert abuse". Read that article. Amazing! Hope this helps. Keep ur head up, don't look back!
@@GaganMilanianfriends Thank you so much.. Lovely lady.,.. I too have a narc sister I have realised and sometimes i'm not sure which one hurts, the narc mum, narc dad or narc sister? ha ha! Gotta laugh. So grateful tha t depite my extreme lack of self estemm or self worth i DIDNT marry a Narc man! Lol! I married a drug addict though who was always broke (probably because i hated money growing up... mym dad used to gaslight me with "We dont know why you are so ungrateful and miserable, we have a mercedes in the driveway, yuou go on 3 holidays a year and you go to rpivate school".. I was 8.. couldnt care less for that !! Let me ask you Milania... did you tell anyone you were gonna cut them off or did you just step out of their lives.. Did you ever confront them in the end? My sister has two childrne who i love to bits.. She lives in Oz and me the UK so I dont see them... but not being in contact with my sister de facto means no contact with them... and that is something I am struggling with.. Wonder wether i do no contact with mum and dad and just grey rock her... Thanks so much for your support. It's good to hear that you managed to narc free for 3 years.. did they ever try and contact you since then? Thanks for the recommendation for the other channel too xx
I had to look at who wrote this comment, as I thought it was one of my earlier posts, as I re-watch many of Dr. Ramani's videos. I am 63 and my situation started at 2, also. The statement was also a tear jerker for me, as it is almost a knife to the heart that is turned. I get you...Maybe we were separated at birth...
I had narcissist parents and sibling...it never leaves you the damage they do. I never had the confidence to fulfil my potential but with my own kids ive shown love and support so they have achieved a nice life. Its all you can do.
I took a parenting class where they actually said mourning the death of a parent as a child is less traumatic than being in a high-conflict situation throughout childhood. So grateful for your wisdom and validation Dr. Ramani! ♥️
Is anyone else AMAZED when they read about Narcissistic parents and realize how textbook the experience is? I've read books that list out common phrases that a Narcissistic parent might say. It's like, ✅...✅....✅!!!!! It's so uncanny that the first time I read such a list, I literally looked around the room like I'd just realized my entire childhood was on candid camera. 😳
YES!! It’s scary, almost. At times when reading a book or listening to these videos from Dr. Ramani, and seeing how their narcissistic tendencies and behavior checks ALL of the boxes, I start to have a panic attack to the point were I pass out or come very close to passing out. Awakening to this reality of having a narcissistic mother and an enabling family is extremely difficult. Thankfully, we’re not alone. 🙏🏽
I cried more in this 20 min video than this entire year… it hurts so much knowing tht things will never change, since sometimes my dad was capable of love and affection but just one wrong word can spiral in screaming and yelling for hours. It’s like my heart was cut open all my life for the pain I had to endure
i currently live with a narcissistic parent and i can tell when she’s manipulating and gas lighting me. every time. i honestly applaud myself for the fact that i haven’t disappeared off of the face of the earth yet.
I totally get it. But don't disappear sweetie. You have your whole wonderful big life in front of you. Just do what you need to do to move out and away. Xo
Sev en, I hope taking the info from this video will help you. Understanding the monster is a first step to self preservation. Pls understand that your parent's behavior is NOT your fault. That you do indeed matter. I would encourage you to find someone that you can trust and talk to about your hurts and feelings because I wish I had that when I was young and clueless about my abuse. I wish you the best.
there are so many incredible country songs created every year, and for the @Recording Academy / GRAMMYs to include ours for the 3rd year in a row (tequila, speechless, and now #10KHOURS) is a tremendous honor. thank you so much to the nomination committees for considering us, it truly means the world. we’re proud to share this moment with our friend @Justin Bieber, and all the wonderful fans who got us here. ❤️
My childhood became isolated and very lonely around 7 years old when my brother was born and it has never stopped. A teacher reached out to my mom to have a conference to discuss my deep depression at 13yrs old. "My daughter isn't crazy and is not going to a psychologist". When I was 15 I met a group of friends and their families who became a big part of my life. My mom gets together socially with her family (cousins and their children) and I have never ever been invited- I am in my 50's. My wonderful mother in law was a surrogate mother to me for 20 years until her death. She helped me become a good mother by watching her relationships with others. On her deathbed I told her that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. I cry writing this, please tell the people who matter to you they do and work on those relationships.
Oof, I know what you mean by not being invited to family events. That hasn't happened to me, but my parents have actively discouraged me from forming any relationship with my relatives -- even relatives that they themselves get along with. They'll tell me they're going to the funeral of my cousin X, and that will be the first time I've ever heard of cousin X. The only explanation I can think of is that they believe it's "their" family, not mine...even though I'm their biological child.
I am so sorry to hear about the things that happened to you in your life as a child. I’m happy for you that you had a great mother in law. I did too . I’m sure she loved you very much.
@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 Thanks for sharing, so sorry your loved one passed too soon. Valuable to know what a significant difference we can make, both for good and for bad, in what might seem an insignificant time.
My dad loved calling me degrading names like "idiot" and "dummy," among all the other shaming and snapping at me. When I talked about it to adult friends later, one of them was like "Do you think he was joking?" Why otherwise good hearted normal people gaslight like that -- I have read that childhood trauma changes your worldview making you feel that people are unsafe. But to be honest, I am seeing a clear picture that childhood trauma actually *does* make people unsafe. When people minimize my pain or make me feel stupid for things that actually happened that actually wounded me, they are carrying the torch of my abuser! And they are exasperated at my disabilities from my wounds. Most people really do become dangerous. *shrug*
"You were robbed." Yes. Plain and simple. Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤ It's the sad truth, and I still grieve the childhood I had (as well as the one I didn't have), but hearing you say this feels incredibly validating.
my immigrant parents always threw out the “we sacrificed our lives and did all of this for you and your sisters”....gave me so much guilt and shame..i appreciate their help but that will not make them dictate my life. thanks for the validation
True. I engaged and I get guilted into everything my mom wants me/us to do for the wedding. I wanted to push the date back because of covid and was told she could die tomorrow so I need to have the wedding ASAP.
ESP when the advice they give is meant for slave wages not upper Mgmt soooooo if you do what they say you’ll stay at the bottom needing their help 🤷🏽♀️
Well said!! They CHOSE to have children. Its not my fault they had to pay for me. Between the narcs, the enablers, the gaslighting, and the invalidation, it's amazing I turned out alright.
Yes, I was robbed of my childhood. Everybody told me I was an old soul when I was a kid. It wasn't that I was an old soul, I was just an abused, cynical, tortured soul. Narcissistic parents, one especially sadistic, really ruined my future relationships. It is indeed a demon on my back. In middle age I am still trying to heal. Thank you for this video.
I was told I was an old soul too! Which basically meant, you be the parent while we get to be mean kids with power over you. Loved your comment. It opened my eyes.
Same here. All my teachers said why do you have a permanent frown on your forehead. I was just 8. i never smiled as my mother stole it from the moment i was born. I am 41 or 42 now. I still dont smile. My spirit is crushed
I was adopted by two narcissistic alcoholic parents at the age of 5. I was their maid, their servant, but far worse than the forever long work was the intense mind-games & bullying, even the slaps to the face were easy compared to the gaslighting, name-calling & religion used as a weapon against me. Sadly, I have many autoimmune disease I attribute to being raised this way. Having had a stroke in 2021 I have now fell into a pit of rumination as mentioned in this video. I can’t help but wish I could have had a different circumstance, so I could have been a healthier productive adult. It’s like I’m trying to complete a story in my mind, a reason why, to make sense of it to be able to accept it. Thank you very much, Dr. Ramani, you’ll never know how much this video helps us who have suffered this way. It means so much to hear someone understand & care.
When you wrote "It's like I'm trying to complete a story in my mind" --- so relatable. I think it's hard for us to understand or comprehend because it's so outrageous and something we ourselves would never do. How can the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you treat you worse than strangers? My mum rented out a house to 8 people, I was one of the 8.. all the others were strangers and had beds, wardrobes etc. I slept on the hard floor. I felt like a worthless dog. The wardrobe i bought with my own money was given to someone else. The reality, as Dr Ramani alluded to in this video, is that in the sick cowardly mind of a narcissist they KNOW they can get away with treating a child or someone dependent on them like that, with no repercussions. They can get away with it. But doing it to others, no way. They abuse the defenseless voiceless easy targets. Because they are cowards. And they don't know the definition of love. They only care about themselves. And having someone to abuse gives them a sense of power. That's the disease of narcissism. I hope you find a way to end the rumination, I'm on the same journey as you. Hope we get there. 🙏
I was with my mother when she died and I felt a blink of excitement watching the monitor and her oxygen level decreasing knowing I did not have to deal with her anymore. I walked out of the ER and sat down looking at the mountains in the distance and the view appeared more vibrant to me. I'm still processing the damage this woman inflicted on me but when she died I felt nothing but relief. No tears. I've only shared this with friend whose sister committed suicide after years of drug abuse and he admitted how tired he was of trying to help her live.
It's hard to read this and I'm sure it's even harder to hear yourself say it! Reality is: truth is truth! I to, am looking forward to the day. She is 91 and going strong!! I could write a book on the damage she has done and the lives destroyed. I was 70 when what she is, was revealed.
I was in the room when my father died, due to a sense of duty, as he was "my dad" 18 months later I still remember looking at his empty shell and feeling nothing. He gave me nothing and at the end I had nothing for him.
Crying hysterically at my fathers funeral and when I got home I realized, “you can’t hurt me anymore! “ he was a physically and emotionally abusive sadist with almost Taliban levels of misogyny. He took great delight in thwarting me and my sisters and trying to justify that by saying we we’re girls. ( we aren’t Muslim or Middle Easterners) He made me feel so helpless. With my mother, she was so emotionally abusive I honestly thought she was a psychopath even though she wasn’t violent like my father. I didn’t even cry because I was so glad she was dead . She used to hold my funeral in front of me as a child , destroy prized possessions , call me horrible names , humiliate me in public every chance she got etc etc etc . I still don’t know why she hated me so much and honestly don’t care . I don’t have to deal with her sadistic verbal or emotional abuse any more . I just didn’t win the parent lottery !
Yes, quite lonely. And you can't discuss it with anyone because they cant understand. It's just so sad. I wanted meaningful hugs and empathy and unconditional love. She ignored and criticized my sister and breadcrunmed me. I'm so sad because I love her and wanted my parents to show me more love
I remember people reminiscing about my mother at her funeral, how much fun she was, what a great lady, generous, blah, blah, blah! I had NO idea who they were talking about! They were using my mother's name, they were at her funeral, but I knew a whole side of evil that no one but very few of us knew about.
Mask= nobody sees the REAL them except you 🙄 almost unbelievable to others! But when they know you know it's very hard for them to NOT show themselves.
My "re-parenting" as a dad was successfully achieved through years of participating in 1:1 therapy with a qualified counselor. (I still go!) I am happily married and have two wonderful children (girl 13, son 9) who I am glad to say have benefitted from me un-learning the behaviors I learned from my narcissistic mom. Now that I have cut her off from communication, I have begun to build relationships with my wonderful extended family, whom I am just now getting to know. My aunt and uncle support me with the unconditional love I've always longed for from a parental figure.
#6. Be at peace when the narc passes away- It actual give me HOPE to hear that I will have peace when they are gone. People around me tell me that if I don’t make peace before they die I will never have it. They say I will have regrets. They don’t know the truth, but I do. Thank you for helping me validate my decisions.
I tried to explain myself and what I experienced to my narcissistic mother. She used those feelings against me and told everyone I was crazy, and exploited almost everything I told her into HER being the victim. (Of me as a child???) I’m living a better life without her in it, and I made that decision finally at 45 years old. She continued to deny ever doing anything wrong and makes me sound like I am attacking her no matter how I approach her. I’m done. And it feels freeing for the first time!
This gave me hope too. I have also been told to make peace before they die, or that on their death bed I will have to go see them to give THEM peace of mind. If I don't I will regret it. I don't think I will. It's a complicated situation to be in, but here we are.
@WillSupport ForSushi don’t bother; you’d be wasting your breath. They’d only try to defend and justify themselves, as @Just Looking did above. When my narc father died a few years ago, I didn’t talk to him about his behavior. My mother had given me a great piece of advice: people are who they are through their dying processes; their personalities do not change. Don’t believe the stupid Hallmark ‘fessing up death scenes you’ve seen in movies or tv shows. My father was his narc self the whole time. When he died, I cried, mourned and was angry for 2 weeks; then I was done. I’d already done most of my crying in the years before that. Look forward to their deaths as a road to freedom for yourself, if you haven’t gone no contact yet. I wish you health and peace. 🙏
I felt immense RELIEF when my narc mom passed away. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for letting us know this is OK, this is a necessary part of the grief process.
@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 I hear you, the advice given to you is definitely from a narc, so don't let them fool you, their enablers are every where.I have heard this lame excuse all my life even from people I've never known ( funny how people always keep you entangled ). It's like a mass conspiracy. The narc is finished because their gaslighting games are exposed.
“There are no second chances on childhood.” Wow. So powerful. Just turned 50 years old and recently found your videos. Thank you for explaining all my emotions and confusion my whole life. It feels like you have given me a second chance at life. The light is on, I have a new lease on life. I feel like a human! Thank you!
I'm the same age and suffered with porous boundaries. Have very recently made the decision to cut ties but its hard and I know that I will get backlash from the rest of my family.
51yrs old and live with my narcisstic father - greyrock is the only my only tactic. It is slowly destroying me, but worse is that my children are being raised to believe this is normal behaviour of grandparents...
Julia, Happy belated birthday! I know how you feel & I'm turning 50 in a week. Realized 2 yrs ago my mom was a covert narc, recently understanding that my father is also narc (another type), especially worse with aging. Both products of very diff types of dysfunctional parenting. Good for you on making a new start! Hang in there❤️
The guilt trip is usually from the one who became a scapegoat or a flying monkey. Both have no care for your well being. They just want to use you as a shield against the venom of the narc.
I think narcs live to a ripe old age because they transfer all their negative energy and stress onto those around them and those people are the ones who are sickly and die young. At least that's been the case in my narc riddled family
Sadly, I was finally free of my narcissistic mother when she died of COVID in 2020 when she was 93. It was a tremendous relief. It’s horrible to say that I was almost giddy when she died. She could no longer be cruel to me. She said vile things to me and about my family. EMDR therapy helped me a great deal. I worked very hard at it. It was heartbreaking to realize that she had no empathy for me. I was her punching bag. She died never admitting she was wrong about anything and never, ever apologizing for anything. I am very happy now, but most people can’t handle hearing a bad word about a mother so…yet again, I keep my mouth shut just like I was taught when I was a very little girl.
I felt the same way when my dreadful narc mother died at 89. She evaded justice here on earth but she's being dealt with now. Karma is a wonderful thing.
@@sarahlovett57 My narc enabling mother died 11 months ago of dementia, just before her 96th birthday. To be truly free of my parents' narcissistic abuse, I will have to wait until their golden child, my older brother dies. He was like them the first-born - every cruelty by him represented victory over their younger siblings. He NEEDS to crush me, and it's 36 years since I went no-contact. Hate is a powerful drug.
Yes I can relate I'm at a low now because an incident has happened and of course like other times the recruitment with other family members has started and my mom is not wrong and I'm going to "hell" or live a short life because I won't accept her behavior. I have had enough and some people on the outside can't imagine that she is this type of person..I'm the one that needs help...No more physical or mental abuse from her that toxic relationship is cut off
I honestly am afraid to have kids because I have seen myself already mirroring my N mom and I really don't even wanna have kids until I no longer have ANY of her in me and until I grow a whole new me 😭😭😭🥵 what you did for yourself and for your child is my goal and an inspiration
"NO, DO NOT INVALIDATE THE NIGHTMARE I ENDURED..." Wow!! All my life I've been gaslighted by those saying all the things we've all been told (no need to go into them here, we all know them). Thank you for that. Sounds like a re-parenting strategy to say that cuz it sticks up for ME in a way that no one ever stood up for me or believed me. NO, DO NOT INVALIDATE MY REALITY. Starting to re-parent and stick up for myself right now! Thank you!
I Had A Narcissitic Mother And A Very Empathic Father, I Was So Very Grateful For My Very Smart, Intelligent, And Loving Father!!! Thank You So Much Dr. Ramani For This Very Important And Informative Video!!! I Appreciate You So Much For Your Help With This Topic!!!🎉❣️
Narcissists are just in a cycle of hatred because they were once victims. They felt powerless and worthless and do what they need to do to not feel that again.
Dr. Ramani helps me giving the right dignity to my pain and anger. I was adopted and my mother was horrible to me and my brother. Her brother abused me sexually and my mother hit me when I told her, she told me it was my fault. I had so great difficulty in life, so much struggle and people telling me I should be grateful because she adopted me. Makes me furious and now I know it's ok for me to be furious. So grateful for her words 🙏🏻
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When a stranger on the internet is more validating of your feelings than your own parents 👁👄👁
Right?! 😭
The kindness of strangers !
That's says something I think, at least to me it does
yep. It’s very telling. A good parent can admit their poor behaviour, maybe even apologize? But, they don’t and never will...compromising doesn’t exist.
So true!
If you can survive growing up under a narcissistic parent, and still be loving and have compassion, You Are A HERO
This feels good. Thank you.
Thank you for these words.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for saying that. I’m sure when I say this most feel the same way, we often feel the complete opposite of hero’s but the way you explain everything really opens our minds and shows us how resilient we truly are. The way I like to see it is the children of narcissistic parents are warriors who survived the war and the ones who have children afterwards and are the complete opposite of how they grew up are hero’s. Hero’s for the children. I always tell myself that I can thank my narcissistic mother for two things. Giving me life and showing me EXACTLY what kind of parent not to be. And I’m so happy to say that my daughter is an extremely happy child. She gets exactly everything I never did and I make sure of that every day.
Thank you very much!
Reminds me of Hero by Mariah Carey. I used to listen and love that song when I was younger. Put in headphones and listen while my momster was in a narcissistic rage path.
For anyone who needs to hear it: don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm!
❤️
🌹Thank you
What does this mean?
easier said than done! sometimes doing so prevents a consequentially bigger fire
YES..!!✊🏽 GOTDAM I definitely needed to Hear this..!!! Spot the Phuq On..!! 🎯 Those reared by a Narcissistic Parent have been "Conditioned" to assume responsibility for other People's Black&White, Irrational, Feelings For Facts, Emotional Unreality..!! 🤪=🚑..😷 Constantly invalidating what you believe and feel, even when you have concrete evidence..!!🧐 Once you finally figure out you don't have to give any 💩's (🚫💩's Given..!!✋🏽..😑) how they Phucking feel because it "Set's you on fire..!! 🔥" Expect the "Uproar of Epic Proportions" along with more "GasLighting" and Invalidation..!! And Yep..!! People will begin to look at you as cold and callous because you are being dismissive towards a "Toxic Parent" that CANNOT BE REASONED WITH..!! Your Job at that point is to continue to not give a 💩..!!✋🏽..😑 If they still don't get it..!! Your may have to resort to a "PHUQ HOW YOU FEEL..!!" YOUR FEELINGS AIN'T FACTS" level of defiance with them..!! Good Luck..!! ✈..🤘🏽..😎
I hate when people tell me...."well you only have one mother". I would rather have no mother then the one I have
I absolutely agree with u...m a NPD mother's victim too...
That’s ur reply ❤
I feel you. My father is narcissistic too and as you, i'd rather no have a father. They are monsters
This
When people say that to me I tell them that the new jersey foster care system would have been a blessing.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel when Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissistic parents make me angry." Its nice to hear that somebody actually cares about us.
I felt good when she said that too.
IT IS NICE TO FEEL THE EMPATHY!! AND THE MORE NICE TRUE PEOPLE WE MEET THE MORE SELF LOVE KNOWLEDGE WE RECEIVE,MY MUM TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE WHEN I LAST BROKE NO CONTACT AND TOLD HER I HAD A BRAIN TUMOUR,IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE,SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE,SO,NO MORE BREAKING CONTACT FOR ME, HOWEVER I DID TELL HER WHAT I NOW KNOW,UR A NARC HISTRIONIC BIPOLAR, DAD WAS PSYCHOPATH ALL ABUSIVE,NO,NO GOING BACK FOR ME,SELF LOVE.UK
Especially when you have people telling you to be nice to your parents, even though you know what they are like behind closed door. It gets frustrating people complimenting, enabling or covering their bad behaviour.
Absolutely!! Watching this video felt like a private therapy session!!
My personal favourite, “Oh come on! She’s your mother!”
"They put a roof over your head? Even a orphanage would do that" I love Dr Ramani, she is the most badass psychologist on TH-cam! Well said!
I agree 👍%💯
Absolutely 🤗
for real
Agreed! 👏
"Badass psychologist" is right!!
My mom's enablers would tell me "She's your mother! She could die tomorrow!" And I would say "I could die tomorrow too! She had my entire life to think about that possibility"
That was always my mom's comment I could die tomorrow, would you happy that you never helped me 😐
Your right! They actually stole your life! Sad you have to go there to defend yourself. (I mean talk about you dying)
Kgomotso Malope I’m become evil. When my mom starts bickering ”what can I do?!? I’m gonna die soon!” (when I tell her how hurt I’ve been in my childhood), I just say ”you can die”. She never apoligizes, or anything, of course! This has been going on for 20 years! She tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to come visit her and my even more narcissistic, violent father. She’s so deeply hurt about not excelling at being a mother, like it was some task or competition - but she does not feel empathy towards me. It’s always the same! I have to tell her how terrible my life with them has been, over and over again! It’s been going on for over 20 years. She is always as surprised like she never heard, accusing me ”if I only knew, she says” And I’ve been telling her thousands of times!!! And she has witnessed it herself! She even laughed at my plight, my fear and anxiety when I was kid, like an evil witch! Yet every time I tell her I don’t want to come visit, it’s like a completely new thing, she acts like everything was news to her!
👏👏👏👏
MsJeesus That’s how I look at it. My mother especially abandoned me my entire life. So I abandoned her at the end of her life. Hey, that’s only about 4 years I left her when she left and abused me for 58. No comparison. She deserved to be kicked to the curb decades ago.
I am the daughter of a covert malignant narcissist. My mother lived until 95. I always felt she was too mean to die. I had an older sister who was brilliant but fat. My mother never let her forget it. She had 13 plastic surgeries and a gastric bypass to please my mother. She never married, had 6 abortions that I know of and killed herself at 55. I also never had children. I am married and 71 years old. I am the living member of my family on both my mother's and father's side. I was the FULL TIME caretaker of my mother the last 5 years of her life. After her death I discovered why I had no self esteem, no boundaries and a constant people pleaser. I came across Dr. RAHMANI and learned all of this. There is no one left to discuss this with who knew her. I am kind, compassionate and empathetic. I rescue dogs the one true joy of my life. I want thank all of the people who commented because I now see that I am not ALONE. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
Now its time to live purely for yourself with all you love. I hope you have a good life.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. ((hugs))
I’m so sorry for what you went through. God makes everything new and He will wipe every tear. Breathe and know that there is so much more to you than the abuse you endured.
@@catsneni Please stop bringing your God into this. For some of us God is largely responsible for all this shit.
I can so relate. I’m afraid to have kids, I don’t want to be like her
The absolute worst part of having a Nacissistic parent is actually the rest of the family enabling them. Like guilt triping you for not accepting being treated that way, or in my case dismissing it completely like i'm making it up or exaggerating. Not having others to turn to is the real hell.
This.
Or you’re the problem and not them.
Oh this was my story too. I have no family as it was only healthy by walking away from them all. They ganged up on me and it was a total mind mess up. The family kept my two abusive ex partners in the family even after knowing that. We didn’t keep my sisters abusive exes in the family. One of my sisters is going out with my last ex of 12 years. Good riddance. We all deserve so much better. Much love and big hugs to you my friend.❤️
Boy! A mouth full was said here
Thats so true, I came to terms with my mothers behaviours when quite young, but have found it much more difficult to accept the behaviour from my extended family towards me, after years of trying for some kind of acceptance, I've recently made the move and blocked them all, it was much harder than blocking the mother because I like them, whereas I didn't like her, but it's getting easier, and I'm feeling lighter without all those constant unheard 'explanations' whizzing round in my head.
I love the "stop excusing your narcissistic parents on the basis of their back story" my siblings and I did that for a long time until recently I've realized wait I have a back story, they are my back story and it was terrible and I don't behave like them. And my story matters too.
This comment helped me so much. Thanks
This is so beautifully said and apt to my life. Thank you so much for writing this comment ❤
👏🏻
I love this. I’m 58 and JUST NOW realize I’ve been doing it!! No more!
Me too. No matter their past, we all have a decision to change. I didnt treat or raise my children like i was raised, by choice. But my parents kept the cycle going. Also i excused her (my mom) present behavior and amnesia to old age. Yet she can remember what she wants to. Sometimes we excuse people with older age to get a pass. Unfortunately but kind of fortunately my father was murdered 12 years ago. He was a narc too but karma came for him.
One of the toughest aspects of having a covert narcissistic mother - people with parents that weren't narcissists judging me for not being able to have a relationship with my mom. It is like being revictimized all over again.
It's even worse in our culture. South Asian as well. In Muslim culture, honoring your parents is literally the second command after worshiping God. I have such a hard time coping with this considering that my mother is just like yours. I feel no love when I look at her; only anger and grief. I hope God understands my struggle and forgives me when I stand in front of Him one day.
❤
and people constantly saying "god, your mom is so nice" lol. live with her for a few months and come back to me.
This resonates with me.
@@SRR1213 God knows everything and you must stay away from a toxic relationship, even your mother. Be well, and love thyself unconditionally.🙏
1. You were robbed 2:27
2. Acceptance is a temporary solution 4:14
3. Stop gaslighting yourself 5:25
4. It was not your fault 6:23
5.Stop justifying their actions because they attended basic needs 7:26
6. You may not be at peace until they are gone 8:53
7. Step away from enablers 10:23
8. No contact vs. grey rock 11:15
9. Stop excusing their behavior because of their backstory 12:42
10. Stop wondering what would be like if it was different and reparent yourself 14:44
11. Stop waiting for them to change 17:15
Thanks ❤
Good on you.
Thank you!! I needed this.
I’m on step 8 and it’s difficult but I know I have to keep going 😔
I needed to hear number 4
Every time my narcissistic parent triggers me, I just go back to watching this video and remind myself that I was robbed!
Wishing you all the best! I am in the healing process also. Give yourself tons of love!!! 😁💕💕💕💕 be well my friend ❤💕🙏♥💙💖
@@krystalhaugland we both need to give ourselves the love and compassion that was robbed from us
Thank you for the kind words
@@MathPiHanan exactly!! 💕💕💕💕💕💕
you will break this cycle! I wish u all the best!!!
@@migati Thank you so much for saying that. oh you have no idea how much I needed to hear it! I actually have two kids and I always doubt my parenting and if I’m actually helping them. I never doubted loving them, which motivates me to get better.
I always imagine how being raised in love and affection would have changed my life and choices
All the time, yeah
Same ☹️
When I first saw someone close, having an amazing relationship with their mom, I started noticing the nasty interactions at my "home" weren't the normal... Ever since I wonder what a cool, communicative, supporting, friendly, warm family would feel like...
Definitely! Narc father and BPD mother made it a mofo miracle that I have survived to this point...thank You God! 🙏🏽
I indulge in those day dreams too.
Lets promise ourselves that we'll never let our children go through this
Good on you, mate. My mother promised while abusing me, that she’d pay for my future therapy, and then didn’t.
@Ava Rose the fact that she knew you would need therapy is truly heartbreaking
@@Britta_Nong That’s kind of you to say. Thank you for the validation.
@@1cr19 you'll get through this ❤
Agree!!
My narc mother recently died. I felt no relief, just completely sad that my inner child still hurts. I actually did not realize how profound the pain is from narcissistic abuse until she died. To all narcissistic abuse survivors, hug your inner child and tell him/her that he/she deserves to be loved.
I had to wait until she died for me to feel safe enough to grieve. I wish you the deepest peace going forward. ❤
All these time I am thinking that I will probably feel the best once she dies😢
It’s worse than bad sugar
Didn’t give u good taste and leave a bad after taste
The hardest part about my mother is she can seem so kind and nice and seem empathetic. Then when I let my guard down she slams me and I get so angry that I fell for it. She is the nice Hostess and everyone comes to confide in her. For me, tough crap, she isn't interested.
I love you my friend. I love the piano in your avatar❤
The first challenge in healing from narc parents is facing the primal loneliness of never having been seen or loved.
FACING. PRIMAL. LONLINESS. ....were basically like partial-humans. always trying to feel...whole
primal loneliness... so so so so true!
The NEXT step....... DON'T EVER let them BACK IN..........And WATCH them CRUMBLE 😂🤣😂👍💪
@@jonathananderinholmes8318 yes it’s true.
@@leila595 I hear you!
Anyone else crying ? We were robbed of our childhood.... that hits home. Very true - very painful
Screwed over for life is more like it.
Yes, I am crying, Tania. Your comment is spot-on! Sue
Same here tania
Definitely cried at points. We are allowed to grieve and the best part is in having it validated. They can’t take this emotion away from us now. Because we now know we are not crazy, this is real and all of it really happened and it was awful. It is sad the tears are necessary, but they are healthy. I hope you are well on your way to finding your peace.
Yeah.
Gaslighting was the first language taught to me and walking on eggshells was where I took my first steps. 58 years in I finally went no contact 2 months ago. Never too late to learn. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Well done! I’m so proud of you.
So proud of you🥺 I wish you good luck!
40 years of walking on egg shells and yes gaslit from day one. I went no contact 8 months ago and loving it.
Good for you, I am 40 and I moved out of state but it’s not far enough. I need to go to no contact too.
I'm also 58 and went no contact 2 years ago. I never had a mother, I had a monster.
I’ve finally allowed myself to admit to myself that I wish my narcissistic parent would die. Admitting this helped me release a lot of trapped emotions and show up more fully for myself.
Same. I remember in 1996 my father passed away , I thought why couldn’t it be my Mom? My father got the narcissistic abuse from my mom and her family also. She’s 82 now , in mostly good health , and will probably live til her 90’s. Ugh why do the good die young. Seems the worst narcs live forever. 😢
I let myself off the hook for my wishing they were dead when I realized they always covertly felt the same about me.
malignant narcs are full to the brim of ill-will. PTSD is permanent fight or flight, the circuit that automatically activates when it detected a mortal threat in our environment.
as my trauma therapist said, you as a child didn't know if you would life or die in those moments.
absolutely true. and the PTSD → fight/flight SurViVaL mode proves they had murderous intentions despite their forebrains being active enough to inhibit acting on it - aware of police, jail, complete loss of face/public perception being the inevitable result of acting on their extremes of ill-will.
❤️🩹 I hope you found this useful
I have very little to do with my narc dad, yet he expects to control me. I am 60 and do not live with him. He is over-the-top in giving me unasked for advice(dictating to me, based on his unreasonable expectations). I never asked to be treated this way. When I was younger, I complained, he said "tough shit" The jerk!
They do it to you. I was shocked when my narc father literally said, “I don’t care if he lives or dies!” when I just went through a stroke.
I don't exactly wish my mom would die. She's alive. I just don't know if I'll feel any sadder at her actual death someday, than when I realized I hadn't really had a mother ever. I was 10 when I felt myself orphaned. I am already and still mourning that loss.
I can’t tell you the amount of times my dad straight up told me something did not happen that I vividly remembered as a child
I feel you. This has happened so many times to me and in my adult life it still happens. Not only does my narcissistic father treat me and my brother this way he also extends it to my mother.
I heard a quote by someone talking about gaslighting and saying; I remember this event because it was a life changing moment that affected me forever, for you it was a Tuesday.
Of course he or she won’t remember but you do.
Yes! Major trauma my parents flat out deny. It's infuriating
Me too... or it was your fault it did happen! Or you're ungrateful too sensitive and on and on!! 🙋
Me too. My dad makes up stories of neglect and abuse so shocking to all our extended family, and I have had to defend myself in court several times. Shame was heaped on me as a bad daughter caused me to have a heart attack and cost all my savings. My sister also a narc took all my my late mother's belongs for herself including jewelry and my childhood photos. My dad got police to throw me out without notice.
Gave all my belongings to my sister to be spiteful. Run away.
"Orphanages would do the same thing" 100% I can't stand it when parents think they are doing their children a favour by feeding and housing them. Thats child abuse!!! the children didn't ask to be born!!! Children don't owe these people anything!!
That's the one thing I never understood about my parents (particularly my mother). Such a martyr. Seriously - the things that would (to any normal person) be considered the very normal and ordinary expectations of parenthood were held up to be some sort of enormous sacrifice. People like that are just far too emotionally inadequate to be parents. :-(
@@louisewainwright8785 I thnk it began with being too emotionally immature to get married, but they were forced back then by age 22-25 max. We kids were doomed.
My mother would tell me things like " the world doesn't revolve around you" and " life is a two way street" if I complained that she forgot to pick me up from school again. I was 7. I had to walk back 2km alone. I often got the impression that she actually wanted something to happen to me. She would've loved milking all the sympathy and attention she could out of it.
Louise Wainwright agreed!!
And sometimes don't even feed them, the middle school near my house has to give out free lunches all summer and even during a normal school year, all the kids get free lunches.
“There are no more second chances in childhood..” - this hits deep
Same
Very deep...
Yup
Hit hard
I believe that we reincarnate and have several lives in order to learn many lessons. I'm hoping I have a nice loving mother in my next life.
The irony is they’ll tell you “don’t be so sensirive” for disliking their insults. But if you dare to simply call them out on their behavior, they explode with rage. So it’s ok for them to be “sensitive” ?
My mother told me this all the time.
@@elizabethmadron1336 you are sooo sensitive! You have such thin skin! Why do you take everything soo personally?? 🤣
Calls other people "sensitive" when they are the most sensitive person in the room. Inappropriately communcating with others and then have a problem when the person stands up for themselves, labeling them as "sensitive".
@@giftedwithin7 Lol seriously. Other favorites: Why do you take things so personally? You have thin skin!
Oh Gosh oh gosh this is so accurate. Oh thanks for sending this.
Someone who comes out of a narcissistic abuse background with kindness, compassion and empathy intact is indeed a hero/heroine. Thanks Dr Ramani 🤗
I am that person. I came out a loving person who helps others and loves the earth and saves animals. I am nice to everyone I meet. Even my adult son learned from my parents he could really abuse me and he does. And it hurts to be in my own really but you know what? I will always be a nice person. I think you are a wonderful person for posting that. It means you are a nice person. You made my day and week and life really. I feel like a victor now having read your comment. Thank you
If you can turn shit into flowers (which you have) you are a heroine - and that's a fact. Susan @@janeseamore1370
And also become a codependent. It has been a struggle all my life balancing being a kind, compassionate person without being a doormat. Let's say I am covered with shoe prints.
My family constantly reminds me of how soft and simple I am. They say Im too nice with no backbone. I know how horrible my mother makes me feel and I refuse to treat anyone without respect and compassion except my mother.
Self Love + Self Respect + Self Responsibility....= UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!...Therefore love/empathy/compassion....is the simplicity ....To expand to life!.....these traits are being abused!...
“STOP EXCUSING YOUR NARCISSISTIC PARENTS ON THE BASIS OF THEIR BACK STORY” my GOD. That hit like a divine light on my little brain.
Seriously. Who cares what they went through to become narcissists. They made their choice to be one just as much as we've made our choice not to be. I grew up with two of them. Why did I not become a narcissist? Give me a break.
Absolutely
@@nunyabiznes3901 My mom had a rotation system for Golden Child based on who was complying with her bullshit and projections, obedience and psychological attacks according to her standard in any given moment. I would say that she is primarily a malignant narcissist. She made sure we all know that she would transfer the title of Golden Child in any given moment in exchange for the Scapegoat and vice versa. This is a division tactic that keeps us all divided and conquered, so that we are less likely to band against her, too, which is what we see in the world. But you would think all of us would choose to go the other way since we have all been treated horribly.
For some reason my younger brothers just can't see our parents the way that I see them, as their own classes of narcissist, and because of their denial, they have become narcissistic/enablers themselves...
The back stories. Oh my God, the back stories. "My mother dropped me on my head when I was a child". I swear to God if I ever hear my father say rhat again I'm going to make him relive it.
@@RegisteredNurse926 i don't know how old your brother is, but i had a similar situation with my brother, but let me tell you- he finally saw it. For years i was the only one who saw it and tried to confront me dad but i was always the only one. It was hard. My dad even told me i wasn't allowed over to his house for 2 years (he said i wasn't his daughter anymore). And yet they all spent the holidays together without me. No one said "hey steve, you're being ridiculous. Shelah is coming over since it's christmas. If you don't like it you can leave."
But my brother finally saw it. He has a kid now and he refuses to let our dad be around him. My mom also is finally divorcing him.
I hope your brother comes around. I still have a brother younger than me who doesn't seem to care or think our dad has a problem. "We should love him" is what he says, but what he means is "Let's help him stay this way."
"narcissist parents will never change"
this is the most important fact to accept
mine's 87 and more unbearable and nasty now than she has ever been
Why is it so hard to accept? I wish I just didn't care..
@@grai oh my, so they will get worse ?
@@carissamarella9614 be grateful if they *stay the same* that's all you can hope for
They get worse as they become elderly because they legitimately need help - which of course they exaggerate anyway - and it ramps up the self obsession
But just as toxic for sure
Just with more age related problems they expect everyone to solve *constantly*
Some real some not
But don't expect them to miraculously turn into a sweet old person because they don't
@@justflufflez7582 sometimes we wish they will change, because deep down we want to feel loved.. and we subconsciously have a belief of "if they are willing to change, it must happen because they want to be better parents for me (thus they must love me)" , while the truth is their ability/willingness to change or not has nothing to do with us.. it has a lot to do with themselves, of letting go of their own inner wounds and bitterness in their own life (that has nothing to do with us)
and what i learned to accept is, it's not our responsibility to heal them and it's not our duty to make them become the parents we wished they could be for us.. and accept that it's not that they don't love me, it's just they are just unable to love me in a "Healthy" way of loving me as a child, and no matter what i do for them, it won't change them into becoming "normal" parents i wanted them to be..
So now, i only do things that i am willing to do out of my own willingness, and not because of feeling guilt or duty.. because the truth is, they put so many expectations and responsibilities upon us.. so learn to not feel responsible for their wellbeing, because that pressure is what cause us to feel suffer from having narcissistic parents.. once i learnt to detach from my guilt (no longer feel responsible for my parents wellbeing, ex: fulfilling their expectations), having a narcissistic parent doesn't feel that burdensome as it used to feel 😊 oh and it's not selfish or narcissistic to unburden ourselves from something that is not supposed to be our responsibility in the first place
Im listening to this video in 2024 at age 66. Bless you Doctor for these insights. I will continue my journey of healing with your aid.
Me too at 55. I just found out last year.
What advice would you give your teenage/ young adult self?
@@vaderx2000 Do u, move , join the military , get as far away as possible , limited contact or go no contact if u can handle it and live a great life , they will hate that , Best of Luck , God Bless
❤❤❤❤❤same
@NoMoreT❤❤❤ears4All
I've heard many a therapist say "your parents did their best". That to me felt like gaslighting. I never believed it.
I think the statement is implicitly true, but for a therapist to bring it up is really just bad therapy. Sometimes people's 'best' is complete failure... Even for a mother/father who drowns their infant in the bathtub you can still say "they did their best"
This is often an excuse used for parents who had tough background or were fairly poor. Very similar the way some people will excuse the behaviour of criminals based on their tough upbringing
Still no excuse imo - if you can’t raise them properly, then don’t have them.
Unfortunately occasionally even a well-meaning therapist can gaslight a client unintentionally.It's a example of how many therapists are still under-educated about this specific form of abuse,understanding the basics of NPD as a disorder is only ½ of it...The other ½ is learning about just how deep the 🐰 hole actually goes in regards to their abusive behaviors & it's effects on OTHER people.When discussing NPD it can't just focus on the actual narcissist because the very nature of their behaviors inevitably effects the people around them significantly.NPD essentially has very abusive behaviors BUILT INTO IT by it's very nature & it is so important for everyone to fully understand that.My own humble opinion would be to immediately seek a new therapist if you find yourself feeling gaslit or invalidated during therapy & not to be shy about asking them if they understand the mechanics of gaslighting,projection,etc among other common narc behaviors.Probably 1 of the most important things about these narcissistic abuse communities is that it helps create a safe space for survivors to feel understood & heard as well as being a place that helps to educate victims about what they've gone through so they can start healing & ultimately know how to recognize these screwballs so they never have to go through long-term narcissistic abuse again.Best wishes for your path to healing & peace.
It's an old saying... not true. My parents did their least, did the minimal, did nothing but the mediocre and abused us in the bargain. Those old rationalisms are maddening...I hate hearing them.
It was finally realising that my parents DID NOT care about me, that freed me.
Those Narc parents steal your life, destroy your youth, your ability for relashionships, your sense of self
they want you to have the life they never had too, sometimes
Gabriel Email Snap! And that is equally bad. My father has actively encouraged me to sleep with rich men.
So true! Mine did exactly that.
True 😭
I so agree with you. They are determined to destroy every thing that matters to you. Its heart breaking.
WOW, the last phrase hit me hard. "having to survive that and still keep your empathy and compassion makes you a hero". That is the deepest validation my inner child can get. Thank you.
Same here, Roxana. I pray that we both find the strength to be good and compassionate people despite our very rough childhood. 🙏🏻
And now I'm crying
@@themoldavitecorner So🥰 be it
@Don’t care Yes yes and yes
And then there's when your only sibling grows up to be a carbon copy of your narcissistic parent. 😢
My teen daughter was the first person to say to me that food and shelter alone means you were emotionally neglected. My head just exploded. How did I never see that!?
can you explain
What does this mean?
It means she only had physical shelter, not love and care children need. r@HombreDufff
My father used to brag about that , I told him we had just as much as the family dog but he actually showed the family dog affection , I’m glad at least the dog got some love , he was a good ole boy, all survivors - put yourself first , love yourself first, you deserve it
My husband IS a hero. His dad was a narcissist and tried to sabotage his life at every corner, and physically abused him sometimes horrifically. He went to a 4 year university and studied sociology and now educates kids with disabilities. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, and most gentle man I know. A real hero.
So pleased you have a man like this and that you treasure and value him so much. I wish you both a wonderfully fulfilled life together 💙
Wow you for blessed!
Wow. That is beautiful!
This sounds exactly like my mother. Loves to sabotage me. Every time I start to open my heart to her I get a knife in my back.
Respect to him .
I think the most frustrating thing is when the whole family lines up behind the narcissist(s) and then tells the scapegoat it's because they don't want to take sides or get caught in the middle, but they are picking a side by doing that. Then they gaslight the scapegoat by refusing to hear anything they have to say, but they certainly sat there and heard the narcissist's side of the story.
I'm sorry that must be so hard and lonely.
This what narcissists do, they seek to control how others see their scapegoat.
THIS
This has happened to me, too.
I’m seriously going through this right now !!! I made a video on my channel. I feel like my mother and her daughter turned the whole family against me . But it’s fine I’m gonna continue to block people and worry about the family god blessed me with
Dr ramani, when my father died I felt this immense peace, huge. I felt no grieve. I forced my self to grieve and cry but it was the peace that made me stronger. I still feel that peace. He can't hurt me no more. And I'm happy.
thank you for sharing this; it’s encouraging & relieving for me to hear that
I can imagine that! My father almost killed me when I was 7 years. How can I miss him?! Don’t feel guilty about not missing him or not wanting to have any contact! Yet my mother has now played everything so that I have to go by him medicine in the pharmacy! He never did anything for me as a child! Only destroyed my life!
❤
I’m sorry Sawyer .......hope you can find a elder male mentor who means a lot to you & you to him 🧡
MsJeesus Seriously, if your parents abused you that badly you should get rid of them. I mean, just leave. It won’t get better. Only worse.
I'm almost 70, and to this day, I can't stand it when babies cry. I would immediately try to run out of the room or even leave a shopping center. A very nice and empathetic person once told me that it's my own inner child that used to cry like that as a little kid. For me, this is still a reminder of how narcissistic mothers impact us for a lifetime.
I can't thank you enough for your invaluable assistance, Dr. Ramani, I will hold you in my heart forever. ❤
I can’t stand to hear babies cry. Many people find it distressing to hear babies cry especially mums .,,it’s got nothing to do with your inner child crying that’s rubbish.
Anyone who is Empath here has a Narcissistic parent or Sociopathic parent? It seems like those horrible evil parents have compassionate children.
@@jeanag3279 Agreed. I am an empath, only child and have 2 Narc parents. It sucks, but I became a LCSW and now I pity them.
I have two! Wish me luck!
I have narcissistic parents and a narcissistic step dad and my sister and daughter and I are total empathy and we can't seem to stop kissing their butts and trying to please them no matter what they do and they can't stand our kindness and thoughtfulness towards them or especially towards anyone else , they think it is a foolish trait to be thoughtful . Give them a gift and something is always wrong with it or as mom puts it " I wish people would not give me all this crap that just clutters up my house and now I have to find somewhere to put it "
because you have to be a mind reader, know body language, judge situations, and predict others behavior to survive.
@@jeanag3279 I'm a product a narc parent , i stay the hell away !! She don't no where i live , nothing . I gave up years ago
It was only months after my mothers funeral, that I realised that my hysterical sobbing at said funeral was actually relief that she was gone.
I hate that I look forward to this day for both my parents.
@@samme1024 That thought kept me going for the longest time and when it does happen, you don't realise that you're free straight away. But believe me, it does get better eventually, I just had to keep reminding myself that it was over.
@@joannedarley1893 thank you. 😢
Joanne, I can't believe I just read these words. The same thing happened to me, only I had not put it together as you have. OMG. So that WAS it! I am sure it was. Thanks for that amazing insight.🙏👍🥂
@@imadielariel3109 You are so very welcome, mine was a strange sort of guilty relief at first, then disbelief, I just couldn't come to terms with finally being free after so many decades of sheer misery. Good luck and a good life for you my friend, it does eventually get so much better.
“Stop gaslighting yourself” I started crying. I didn’t realize by saying to myself well maybe I’m being too hard on them was denying my experience.
🥰✨
Hugs to you.
💖 K A R L I E 💖
Me too!
I gaslight myself everyday for what I think and feel. "I should think that or feel that way instead of what I think and feel right now" And this "should" is clearly my narcissistic mother
I know my mom is a narcissist. When my sister was born she became 'the child she deserved' and I was told she couldn't get rid of me because the cops didn't like the things she was thinking of. It got worse over the years. My dad, well I'm 52, and he still talks to me like I'm a stupid peice of sh%t. And he was horribly physically abusive as well. He was a blacksmith, and would beat me as hard as he could. I don't have anything to do with either of them these days. The family _knows_ he was bad. So when I was constantly full of rage at my treatment, being alone, being singled out as the scapegoat, the rest of the family just scratched their heads while mom directed their attention away from herself. People tell me, well that's you're mom! That's your dad! And I tell them, "Yeah, well bad people have kids, too."
Your words at the end. Thank you, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. It made me cry. Thank you.
I am sorry for your pain and all that you endured. And I am incredibly sorry you were alone in that pain as everyone that was supposed to protect chose to turn the other cheek. I think that is the worst part. I can understand this pain and alone feeling, so I want you to know that when you are speaking in the dark in your mind, I hear you. I hold space for you.
Remember, a seed has to break apart in darkness in order to grow. Sending you love...because you deserve it.
"An orphanage would do that much". Sorry Dr Ramani, I'm going to be using this line now! ❤️
This! 7:50
Or a babysitter
Even prisons provide shelter and clothing to the inmates. I love it when people try and say that because a parent did that it automatically makes them good.
My mom used to say "I could have given you up for adoption." I told her once "I wish you would have". They really think they went all out providing basics (if that).
@@rachelb4235 I swear if I or my younger two siblings ever said that to my birth parents when we were kids, you bet your ass we would have been a) sent to our rooms, and b) grounded for [instert amount of time here], because that's back talk. At the very least we would have been yelled at. I would not doubt for a second the possibility that my sister may have said similar things, but I wouldn't know due to not being present for a lot of those arguments.
Dr. Ramani mentioned "re-parenting" oneself. More guidance on that would be a major help.
Yes. This. So much this. I would venture to say that many of us with a narcissistic parent did not have a healthy co-parent, due to the narcissist choosing a non-healthy co-parent and the damage inflicted by the narcissist. As such, knowing what healthy parenting is like would be helpful.
In the interim, search google, amazon and TH-cam for “healing inner child”.
There was a thread on a previous video that mentioned Richard Grannon ♥️
@@davidburesh yes - my narcissistic parent chose someone he could control and I was born just as her level of depression was debilitating her so I got childhood emotional neglect from one & narcissistic abuse from the other. Now I get to look back on my demolished life to see the results of their bs... and I started using tools & language like reprogramming myself & being my own parent etc 30 years ago. The bottom line is, the damage was done & now it's too late & that reality just sux.
Check out Richard Grannon’s TH-cam CPTSR Thrivers: "Sad Baby" as an Abused Archetype (Supra State) of Stacked Emotional Flashback (CPTSR = Complex Post Traumatic Stress Response). Also, Dr. Ramani said she would be expanding on this, so hopefully, that means more to come on the inner child and reparenting.
When I started no contact with my family 6 years ago, I felt overwhelming sadness, guilt and shame for leaving. A good friend corrected me, saying they left me way before I left them!
Yesss❤️🙏🏽 I'm going to remember that.
so so sooo true!!!
Yessss
I'm going to remember that as well
🙏🏾
I met a man who was my father's friend, on my 40th birthday, when I explained I was my father's daughter. He was shocked he had known my father for thirty years and my father had never told him he had a daughter. That was the moment that changed my life. I no longer have anything to do with my father.
I can relate. And it hurts doesn’t it?
I had an employee of my father come to my home say to me: “I never knew your Dad had a daughter.” I was stunned but not surprised. My father is a misogynist and my golden child brother works for him. My Dad is one of 4 brothers. It was always about “the boys”.
I have stopped talking to my mother. I decided that I do not allow toxic people in my life and that includes my mother.
Good choice! Done the same...We deserve happiness and peace.
I stopped talking to my dad.
I went "no contact" when I turned 40. It was having my own children that started my healing and realizing my mom was toxic because I could never do to my babies what my mother did to me and my brother.
ive had 20 years so far strong of estrangement from toxic-junkie-abusive mom (deadbeat junkie dad walked out in my 3rd grade year). I hear you, friend. real talk. it can be done. we make these choices very, very carefully and seriously. i see you in this, and i respect your choice(s) to walk away.
That’s the best way to handle it
"As far as I'm concerned, if you can survive that childhood and come out loving and compassionate, you truly are a hero." !!👍❤❤❤
I agree! My friends say the same to me. We are overcomers
This comment brought tears my eyes...thanks Dr. Ramani for saying these words.
This made me cry so much! Dr Ramani, you are a blessing to soo many of us. Thank you! 🙏🏻
Thank you! I'm literally crying : ) I'm an Empath. Imagine how intensive it is to be with a Narcissistic Sociopathic parent. It's a life long recovery for us.
@@elise0691 me too. A tear flowed. Thank you Dr. Ramani!💝
Having a narcissistic parent is literally the most loneliest feeling in the world. Instead of you coming first it’s switched around. Many times in my life I needed my mother there for me and she wasn’t. I’ve learned to survive on my own while carrying the emotional baggage. I hope one day I can heal fully from the trauma and pain.
Truth!
It sucks. It truly does. But I think you can do this!
If you ever need someone to listen… I’m here.
You're not alone...
I feel really similar. It’s a tough process parenting yourself and healing with this trauma, as I feel it’s such a grey area kind of abuse. I’ve only found solace online about my feelings of being narcissistically abused, it’s not really a popular topic of discussion in greater culture. There’s a lot of people who are victimized in this way, and adopt these harmful traits too.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Every momumental moment in my life, positive or negative, I was alone. Very minimal support from the one loving parent.
This made me cry. I have suffered from their narcissism and overprotectiveness since I was little. Not to mention the constant fights they would have. I was taught voicing my own opinions was a negative thing, because every time I would express my feelings/thoughts, whether it is as insignificant as wanting to do my hair or feeling stressed about an upcoming exam, they would dismiss and invalidate my feelings or rage and gaslight me to believe I am all that is to blame. Therefore, I have grown to be a person who is not really good at communicating, especially expressing myself since I tend to ignore my own feelings. This really affects my mental health because I keep bottling up, and I am extremely unproductive most of the time when I am in the same household.
Other than that, I am 20. I make my own money with no allowance from them. I have just flown alone to another country for a work trip, but they would still flip over me hanging out late when they know I am somewhere just 10 minutes away from home. I know they’re doing this because of “concerning for my safety” but I am able to take care of myself and it makes me so stressed and exhausted from trying to prove to them I am capable of being independent. They don’t realise all these would just push their child further and further away.
Rn my biggest goal is to finish studies and earn enough to move out. Sorry for such a long comment, I just needed to express this somewhere. You’re a legend for reading this, hope you can achieve what you want in life
❤❤🌹..you are amazing!
I really admire you and hope the rest of your life is extremely fulfilling.
I can completely relate to this
Please continue to keep going with your education and work.
Being the child of narcissistic parents is excruciatingly painful, but you are living your life. You are going forward! That is wonderful. I hope you continue to thrive.
Here’s to self efficacy! 🙌🏼
Keep going, seek the Lord Jesus, he knows your pain and offers rest and hope.
In my twenties, after a devastating depression, I read a lot, left the church, did therapy, and slowly tried to overcome. I was determined not to pass on the generational BS and toxicity to my future children. It was a tough road, and I'm still healing at the age of 59, but my two grown children are wonderful caring people, and the best accomplishment of my life.
God bless you
I hope to be in your shoes one day. I am 28 and I hope I’m given the privilege of having children. The child in me wants to nurture them and give them what I never got. I’m not sure why, but that’s the biggest thing I yearn for.
SRR1213 good for you. It’s a wonderful goal and very rewarding. All my best. ❤️
I completely understand. I am 48 and have some amazing children, because I chose to distance.
Good for you 👍🌷🌈
Living with my narcissistic dad was like being in prison at your own home, you are not allowed to have your opinion on things(he expected me to agree with his narc views), you are supposed to blindly obey any orders given and always have to put up a fake persona and pretend everything is "okay", I tried committing suicide several times, the first time when I was 9. Right now I'm 16 and live alone thankfully but he still finds ways to manipulate me
Edit: Oh woow!! I did not expect this much support, thank you very much for you kind words everyone ❤❤🙏🙏
Stay strong, there’s so much strength in you and there is a reason why you’re still here and why you’re watching this
Your life has a purpose and I pray for your soul on its journey to healing. You and your life matters ❤️
@@Arisairspace Thank you so much 🙏❤
I also had a narcissistic dad, and my experience was similar. I struggled with suicidal thinking from my mid teens until I was nearly thirty, when I got hospitalized for it. After that I finally started getting treatment, and eventually went no contact. Don't give up. I don't know what your personal journey out of that place will look like. I do know how awful that place is. But I also know it's possible to get out. Don't give up.
No contact really works for me. Don't let him steal any more of your life. Be your own best friend. You can do it. You have the power now.
This describes the nf that co-created me
The narcissist parent makes things horribly confusing because some days they feel like presenting themselves as benevolent and are actually nice. It’s a trap.
But even when they are benevolent, it is for their own benefit, not yours
Wow we are all here for the same reason and yes I have been struggling if my separation from my 80 year old mother was best but know I can say sometimes the guilt plays with me but I'm strong through therapy for the past 9 years I'm healing and iv made it out and healing and taking care of myself mentally and physically iv got my feet on ground with no looking backwards and no more long explanations of why she can't come over or why I can't come spend time with her I love her but I love me more ..thank you for speaking Dr .And everyone in comments keep healing
you always need to think about the psycholigical basis: survival. narcissism is not a joke, its a survival strategy. there is suffering and pain unimaginable behind it that fuels all types of short-, mid- and long term strategies to keep objects close that regulate their self-worth. lying, cheating etc. p.p. its not a joke, not a past time, its SURVIVAL.
imagine true hunger for food... dispair for food. this is what it feels like and why its so tough to deal with. *cough*
A trap. Yes it’s a trap. A trap!!!! I had cognitive dissonance. I believed that parent was the good one who recognized me as their child,, but at the same time always felt like Charlie Brown and the football. Believed the lies every time.
It doesn't stop in childhood. It's awful and everyone misses the abuse,it's an invisibility. Horrible. I think I was given to the wrong family since I'm the opposite.
So validating to see that dr. Armani is genuinely angry with this topic. I remember that when I was six, I went grocery shopping with my narc mom and helped carrying a cake from the store. When I tried to put it in the back of the car, I accidentally dropped it. A short moment later I was fed up with an absurdly raging mother yelling that I have to get back to the store and get a new cake. She send me without money. I entered the shop crying with the broken cake in my tiny arms. The shop assistant gave me a new one for free. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. It is still the most mind boggling memory to me.
she felt so entitled to a new cake she sent you to manipulate the shop keeper....disgusting really
I was born 3 months premature and almost died. My narc mother blamed me for being born premature. She said all of their financial problems and medical bills were my fault. The hospital let my parents pay the bill over 10 yrs.
Narcissistic mother's are terrible parents.
My mother gave a five year old (me) a gallon of milk to pour milk into the glass. When I spilled the milk (because I lacked the physical strength and the eye-hand coordination to successfully complete such a task), she spanked me for spilling the milk. When I cried and apologized saying it was an accident, she said that the policeman doesn’t care if you did something bad on accident, he’s still going to arrest you or give you a ticket. Talk about gaslighting. And no empathy. 😞
“Treat yourself like you would treat a child”. Duly noted.
But, like, a child you care about 😆
That was very well said🫶🏽
"That never happened" the 3 words that will destroy your soul...46 years old today and still being gaslighted. Best of all that same narcissistic parent wanted to give me a book about God. Wow!!! She seemed to forget I found God on my own with no help from either of my parents. Tired of my family choosing my destiny I chose my own.
“That never happened” and “You’ve got real problems” were always the response when I would finally stand up to or call out my mom. Once, when I was 32, and was winning an argument with her, she said, “You’re just screwed up because you had pimples as a teenager”. Really?! That was her only weapon she had left because I was finally standing up to her.
Me: "They are mean to me"
Mom: "But they are nice to all of us"
Since I was a kid this is what she always said...
Now I am 36...left all of them behind with no contact.
When people ask where is ur family, I say they are dead
Cari. Lmao
Same with mine. Abandoned me and gossip with my sibbs then guilt trip me back. Then tell me I need to read the Bible..
double middle fingers.
They don’t change. I’m 63
@@koolbeans8292 🤗🤗🤗🤗
My mom has lied SO. DAMN. MUCH. I've caught her in lies that she couldn't deny. She's never acknowledged or apologized. I've outted her to the point where she couldn't even argue. Now she says I've never lied to you. She'll even say it in front of her friends "I told her the other day, I've never lied to you." I don't talk to her anymore.
I’ve been no contact for a few years and feel guilty about it all the time. I need to listen to this message every day 😊
I get it. I finally went no contact.
@Return2Peace - Your mental health is of utmost priority and importance. You are feeling guilty because you have the normal requirements of a sane person who does not want to do others wrong and sometimes blame yourself even when they do it. It means you have empathy. That’s a lovely quality. Abuse and mis-treatment has not turned you into a dragon. Be proud of yourself 🌼 Again, your mental health is of utmost importance and narcissists will work relentlessly at you until they completely destroy you if given the opportunity, then they may want to dig your grave and “torture” your bones if they could. They are sick, demented people who have the devil himself as their father. Pray hard and let God lead, guide and give you inner peace. Take it one day at a time, embrace that peace and don’t feel guilty.
Take care of yourself - God bless 🙏
"A narcissistic parent is a special kind of hell" - as always dr Ramani finds the right words for the situation
Most of the time she just intended on torturing me. I grew up with mom, dad brother on earth assist and then me. But there are many times when she just straight up wanted me dead and
@@meganhofbauer9847 yes yes even I hear my parents often saying that they wish that i was dead
My whole life (especially in my late teens/early 20s) I wondered why I cried so much, why I wanted to end my life so many times, why my self-worth is below zero, and many more... I just wished I went to a therapist in my 20s when I was initially thinking of doing that. But I just thought I am too emotional, it will get easier, etc. When I gently confronted my dad about this recently, first he laughed (that I am being ridiculous), and then he acted like a victim - 'why am I trying to hurt his feelings', or 'I am being ungrateful'. That realization that I was raised in a conditionally-loved home with a manipulative narcissist dad and an extremely co-dependent mother (who btw on the surface look like a perfect marriage/family), makes me so sad... so so sad...
I had a similar moment with my dad. I told him i never felt loved by him. I wanted things to change. (Was TERRIFIED to tell him that by the way, and it my best friend's mom who told me I should confront him). All he did was get defensive and tell me how loving he has been ever since I was born and how I've been difficult.
It's weird looking back thinking things were so hard, but not knowing it was because my dad was a terrible person. I never knew my reactions to his verbal abuse were normal. My mom sounds like your mom. She's been codependent, in denial, enabling him for years, and trying to survive... but thinks she's helping him.
I don't know how old you are or if you still live with your parents, but I'm 35 and I can tell you there is ALWAYS hope. All of my siblings have stopped talking to my dad and we refuse to have holidays at my parent's house since he will be there, which impacted my mom and put pressure on her to make a change. We have confronted my mom many times and told her she has to start putting her foot down. My youngest brother lives at home (16) and it took him failing school, cussing constantly, smoking, skipping school and lying about it, and threatening to beat up my dad for my mom to finally make a change. She is currently in the process of a divorce and we all celebrated. My mom's brothers are happy as well.
Anyway, I found the most comfort and healing by talking to God about it. I found out how real he is and how much he loves me when I broke my heart open and told him everything. I highly recommend trying it.
Also, talking to friends about it helps too. And journaling.
There was a moment that it finally hit me that he wouldn't change. He would never show interest in my life. He would never ask me personal questions. He would never show me affection or really see me, and certainly never understand me. Realizing that will never happen helped me move on. Now if i see him, i act like I'm at work, and put on a fake smile, and never share anything personal or real.
I hear you, and I feel you. I have a narc mother. I just turned 50 this year and I just found out about her NPD this year. Was sooooooo confused about everything all those years. Tried to take my own life when I was a child. Indeed traumatic. Learning about it though was a huge eye-opener. Now I kind of feel sorry for her and I just pray for her. I pray that when it's time, she'll be deserving of heaven despite it all. She's still my mother and also a child of God. But everything that's happened also makes me so, so sad. The grief inside is intense. You just learn to bear it and just look forward to much better, happier days of healing and recovery.
@@theshellest thankyou for sharing your experience. Just gave me a ray of hope. Right now I am not financially independent and live with my parents. With every passing day, it gets harder to survive. I hope things get better in future when I would keep no contact with my narcissistic father.
I had the same experience accept I had a narcissist mother.
Same story.... Big hug 😘
This woman is so generous and humble with her intelligence, doesn't hurt that she beautiful also
Beautiful inside and out,,
I agree. We are very blessed to get her wisdom for free. It is extremely invaluable to me!
Very easy on the eyes.
Angel on Earth
I’m not going to idealize her :) I’m mostly thankful for what she does!
Bingo!
I’ve talked to counsellors. I watch videos I’ve read magazine articles. I talked to strangers. Nothing and I mean nothing has hit home like this video here. it almost felt supernatural or freaky because it’s like she studied my entire life and summed up, and she was talking to me directly from my phone to my face
I cried when you said that I will feel relief when they'll pass away. I know it's true. I thought about it so so many times. But hearing from someone else, feeling seen on such intimate thoughts, feeling understood by someone who doesn't even know me... Hit a lot
My first narcissistic abuser died this year and I felt so weightless when I was told he had died. I finally felt freer to walk in my own world, even though I had gone "no contact" six years before his death.
Do not feel bad for being happy when it does happen. Their death allows so much fear to dissipate and it feels wonderful.
Yes we truely love our parents thats why have huge impact on our lives...but all parents need to leave us one day and will live with us thru genes.. We will always love them no matter how they were to us.
I had two narcissistic parents, and I endured hell with them. I hung in there for decades to prevent estrangement, enduring verbal & emotional abuse. I reached a breaking point in 2005 and I broke off with both of them (they lived to be 89 and 91...I couldn't tough it out anymore). I was so relieved when my mother died in 2011 at age 89. She had threatened suicide daily since she was 50. I felt she was finally dead as she had wanted. My father died in 2015 at age 91 - when I got the call, I felt utter relief that I was finally free for the first time in my life! The world feel hopeful, flowers were prettier, people were nicer!!!!! My NEW life!!! This "prisoner" daughter was set free and had the keys in HER hand!!! (Yes, I was co-dependent & needed lots of therapy).
Big hugs 🤗 It was such a relief not to have them in my life ever again. I shut my dad out after my Mother died, as I only had contact with him sometimes when I was caring for my Mother during her longterm illness. I had no reason to be around that mean person ever again. I had no regrets ending any contact. None. 10ish years later he died. I didn’t care. I had no feelings for him. I still have capacity to love and care for others, and that wasn’t broken from me. Thank goodness I can love and have compassion.
You’re doing great!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Talk to that little child inside each day. Encourage and give love to them. That child is you! And you matter! You are wonderful! You deserve good things!! You are a beautiful, smart, kind, loving person! You matter! You are enough and you don’t have to prove it to anyone!!! 🤗🤗🤗♥️
I'm relieved that mine has passed. Don't miss her at all!
Being the only person in my family who isn't a narcissist makes me the scapegoat and outsider. The best thing I can think of accomplishing in my life is NOT fitting in with those evil people. No matter what, I'm thankful I'm not like them. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for these videos/lessons. They're very helpful!
ericanorton71 That’s exactly what I say to myself. I was the only empath in the family among narcissists and now that I am no contact I think, at least I’m not a narcissist like them! They mocked and insulted me but I wouldn’t want to be them either. Deep down beneath the facade they hate themselves.
Exactly how i feeeeeeeel.... I am the youngest among 5 siblings... And they are all the same... They are gaslighters but each in a different degree... But the oldest is the worst... She is like the golden goat for my parents
Me too!!!
I've always felt guilty when I would say out-loud or to myself that I only began living my best life when my parents were no longer in it. I don't feel so guilty anymore. ♥
My mother died when I was 30. I cried at the time, but I didn’t grieve, if that makes sense. It took *five years* for me to even realize life had not been “normal”. Not even close. Just to see her face in my mind is triggering, even now, 40 years later. The best I can do is manage. I don’t think I will ever heal.
@@sgrannie9938 thanks for sharing. I’m beating myself up so much for not being healed at the age of 40. I’m so angry their abuse
@@sgrannie9938 mine died a couple years ago, I didn't even cry, I felt nothing. I think I understand what your saying
Dad was M.I.A., Mom was a lifelong narcissist, until the day she died. You are so right- she did think she’d live forever. I visited her a couple times a year, and each time she would end up saying, “Go Home, don’t come back!” One of her favorite sayings was, “oh go on!” Gaslighting, and invalidating any subject from our past I would bring up. It helps so much to recognize now, what she was. Thank you!
Exactly the same situation as mine! I didn’t realize untill now that my mom is actually narcissistic because she covered it with constantly doing household chores and l always believed l had to feel pity for her. 😢
I have NEVER EVER heard it said this way before. Everybody...EVERYBODY, including therapists, say things like "You have to forgive them and move on." or "You have to confront him and clear the air." or "Maybe THEY had a tough upbringing." or "They did their best." These folks don't seem to have trouble undermining and trivializing your trauma with that nonsense. THANK YOU DR RAMANI for giving me a sense of clarity and validating the approach that took me years of heartache to build. 'Bout damn time someone kept it real.
THIS. Something I learned recently in an podcast about Narc abuse is that you will never find reconciliation with them because everything is a competition and they need to remain superior. It's not up to us to find the right words, or forgive or "clear the air" because they will never understand your perspective. Personally I find that very painful but also incredibly liberating as part of the healing process that it isn't a YOU problem. Sending love and wishing you the best for your recovery from this trauma 💜
@@NovaRae91 Good words, thanks!
It sounds like those therapists lack competence in recognising what the issues are and / or have no understanding of narcissistic family systems. I can only imagine the frustration of dealing with a therapist who adds their voice to all the gaslighting enablers, instead of helping you to heal from it.
I ask:
"what did those people ever do for you, that you should take their side? What makes you think that you know anything about their actions and behaviors and motivations?
What makes you even think that you could know more about them than I do?
Maybe it's really exactly the exactly the way that I'm telling you. Can you let that idea penetrate for a moment?
There are abusive parents, you know. You do watch the news?"
@@AR-vu4hrI had the same reaction. I've never met a therapist who sided with the narcissist parent to the detriment of the patient in front of them, but that would be awful.
I began sobbing at "You were robbed." Thank you thank you for this work that you are doing.
and me. Can't count how many times I tried to include her in my life to have it backfire.
Me too.😢
Me too 😔
It is so validating to have this recognition.
Mee to
This is so relevant, I can’t even explain how frustrating when people say “ they are your parent, you need them”. Please, my narcissistic was a sperm donor.
Most people who say things like that are just enablers ( in best case scenario ) you should absolutely not care about their stupid opinion.
Every now and then there IS someone who is just a little dumb or naive and genuinely doesnt understand.
If you feel the need, for whatever reason, to make them see/ understand your point more this helps:
Ask them if they are for or against child abuse. Dumbest question in the world right? Every one in his right mind is against child abuse. So their answer will be: I am against child abuse. Then you can say: " I was that abused child once "
It can help a lot.
Greetings from the Netherlands 🇳🇱
Mine were egg and sperm donor too btw :)
Exactly! ☺️
My parents actually adopted me, so they really wanted someone to destroy, I guess.
@@tiptapkey ugh... sicko's ..
Your cat is great btw
In the past, I may have partially excused my father's narcissism on the basis of his backstory but it was also a really useful way for me to have compassion for him. Nowadays I don't excuse his narcissism at all but if I can find a way to have empathy for him then that is really liberating for me because I can at least acknowledge the empathy inside me and the fact that I have somehow managed to become a much more compassionate person than he ever will be.
God bless you ❤️
I agree with you 💯 percent. To not have compassion and let it go from that angle means to keep yourself imprisoned and poisoned with resentment. Let God and let go.
My mother loved having “cheerleaders” in an argument. Wether it was her friends our my sibling the more people she can use to push you down the happier she got. Just evil behavior.
My mom liked to have "public" when she yell at us. When my and my older siblings grow up (+14) and put at end when she yells at one of us, she started to yells just 1 of us in front of our baby sister (4yo). BTW, Sorry for my english.
how did u deal with this?
THIS. My mother always looked for people to support her, even if it was about some very insignificant opinion that we didn't share. It made me feel as if it was everyone against me. As if my ideas and feelings were so wrong that everybody would agree that I was trash. This effed me up so badly, I still have trouble being myself in a group of people being I fear the "everyone against me" dynamic. Slowly moving towards healing and self validation ♥️
Mine too Actually enjoyed watching me cry or suffer. She loved it
My mom actually made me believe I was schizophrenic for over a decade but never encouraged me to get help just stop talking about abuse I faced as a child
I feel you. We are survivors !!!
THIS is why we should always question authority. "Honor thy father and thy mother" has caused so much needless damage and suffering for so many.
There is more to that verse, that always seems to be left out... “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
I remember sitting in church as a young person and wondering what about "protect and love your children"? That's not in any religious teaching. I left the church 40 years ago and am an atheist. I'm so much happier.
God! So true! Now, in retrospect, I see why my father always emphasized that to me” ALWAYS question authority. You have only ONE authority. You know what’s right for YOU, and that’s between YOU and God”. He was the healthy parent., and I miss him soooo much now, as an adult!
I think we honor what is honorable. There may yet be something in them you can honor, but if not, trust that the truth can set you free. (See, picking out one verse to beat someone up with while ignoring the rest is not how you do it.) Peace & healing to you!
EXACTLY!!!
Hearing you say “you were robbed” made me burst into tears. Thank you so much for validating that. I want the last 40 years of my life back :(
HUGS xx me too… xx
XOXO Me too 😕😞
We are stronger than anybody else on this planet ♥️
Can’t cry anymore after all of the emotional abuse. I’m so tired.
I thought I was the only one, most of the comments are crying but I can't cry anymore
Same me too
Thanks for not giving up, keep fighting and stay strong family. ❤
I know every second of your life might be hard.. This we're going through is INSANE. EVERY D*MN DAY IT HAS AN AFFECT ON US. YOU are the people i want to meet at the gates of heaven. PLEASE HEAL QUICK AND DISCOVER YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. All my love and respect to these WARRIORS. YOU NEVER GAVE UP!!!!! YOU NEVER GAVE UP FIGHTING. GOD BLESS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL FOR NOT GIVING UP, EVEN THOUGH YOU WANTED TO SO MANY TIMES. MY HEROES! EACH AND ONE OF YOU. THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD THINGS WAITING FOR US OUT THERE.. GET OUT THERE AND CLAIM WHAT'S YOURS. SPREAD THE BEAUTIFUL LOVE YOU HAVE INSIDE OF YOUR HEART. ❤
Same. It can hurt me but I don't cry anymore. I love that because it means that a part of me has accepted that this will always happen and I can't always cry about it.
“They were able to keep it together for their job, but not their child...”
TBD very good point, was trying to get my head around it, but yes when necessary they can switch on the charm but be cruel to a child, they know what they’re doing. They know not to treat colleagues or friends like that. That’s my reasoning that they are bad in their very core. My father very successful in business. A total shmuck in the home.
Nailed it.
Dr.Ramani nailed it with this line.
my mom had it so heavy she couldn't even keep it together for a job, she relied on my dad's income and kept him in her control and spent all the money
My mom in a nutshell
My narcissistic mother just died. Thank you for explaining the relief and peace I feel is normal.
I always say that I’ve grieved not having a maternal, nurturing, loving mother my whole life and when she dies, I’ll feel relief, not grief, as those with loving mothers feel at their passing. I’m sorry for your lifelong pain, but am glad you feel relief and peace now, which you deserve.
I feel the same as you two, my mum 94 y on thursday... I have already grieved. Now I must take care of myself.
I got sick of it. Both my mum and my first husband betong to this group of people. My dad an enabler... and emotionally handicapped.
It's been fourteen years since my malignant narcissitic Dad passed away. I do not miss him.
I felt the same way about my dad. I didn't realize he was a sadistic narc, until the past week. He's been gone for over 20 years. I said, right after he died, that our relationship INSTANTLY improved!!
I hope that is the end of the arduous journey for you. I thought the same until I realized that there had been a smear campaign before the dirt nap.
Hearing you say that "i was robbed" made me cry. I may be 59 years old but the pain never goes away, in fact I think it worsens. Not being loved as a child affects many if not all aspects of ones life. Narcissistic parents are the most cruel sentence to bear. Since the age of 2 I knew that something wasn't correct and plotted my escape. My entire childhood was dictated by silent treatments, cruelty and abuse. Oh of course when I got good grades I was rewarded but that made it even worse. Not being told once that I was loved, by either parent or siblings, is more damaging than can be imagined.
@Almut Jenk thank you for the recommendation x
The first 5 minutes.... i cried and cried and cried,.... It's like Dr Ramani was both parents I never had! She has been the first person (starnger) to validate what I have felt for 44 years!!! IT IS WRONG TO ROB A CHILD OF THEIR CHILDHOOD.. END OF!!!
Ur comment sounds exactly how I feel. I'm 46, can totally reason with u. My biggest regret is not cutting off contact years ago when my kids were little, to get the the hell away from my mother n sister. But, I didn't see n understand the way I do now. A narcissist grandparent is 100 x's worse. Sickening. I've been NC for 3 yrs now. Keep ur head up n don't look back. U will start to feel peace and happiness slowly, day by day. Good for u. Proud of u. It's not easy! Once I found all the videos on YT and realized what was wrong with my narc mom n GC sister, 2 months later, I was no contact. Never looked back. It gets easier. When u question itself or feel bad, listen to the videos. There is a guy, his channel is "narcissism survivor", his pic is a hand held up to a lil blinds baby. His videos saved me! I started from the oldest video and watched every one. They r the best on you tube, to explain narcissistic mother's. He is a regular person, who has lived a life of hell due to his narc mom. Listen to him, u won't regret it. He's amazing! Besides Dr Ramani, he is only other person I listen to. Also, there is an article by Owlcation, called "psychological murder, death by covert abuse". Read that article. Amazing! Hope this helps. Keep ur head up, don't look back!
@@GaganMilanianfriends Thank you so much.. Lovely lady.,.. I too have a narc sister I have realised and sometimes i'm not sure which one hurts, the narc mum, narc dad or narc sister? ha ha! Gotta laugh. So grateful tha t depite my extreme lack of self estemm or self worth i DIDNT marry a Narc man! Lol! I married a drug addict though who was always broke (probably because i hated money growing up... mym dad used to gaslight me with "We dont know why you are so ungrateful and miserable, we have a mercedes in the driveway, yuou go on 3 holidays a year and you go to rpivate school".. I was 8.. couldnt care less for that !! Let me ask you Milania... did you tell anyone you were gonna cut them off or did you just step out of their lives.. Did you ever confront them in the end? My sister has two childrne who i love to bits.. She lives in Oz and me the UK so I dont see them... but not being in contact with my sister de facto means no contact with them... and that is something I am struggling with.. Wonder wether i do no contact with mum and dad and just grey rock her... Thanks so much for your support. It's good to hear that you managed to narc free for 3 years.. did they ever try and contact you since then? Thanks for the recommendation for the other channel too xx
I had to look at who wrote this comment, as I thought it was one of my earlier posts, as I re-watch many of Dr. Ramani's videos. I am 63 and my situation started at 2, also. The statement was also a tear jerker for me, as it is almost a knife to the heart that is turned. I get you...Maybe we were separated at birth...
I had narcissist parents and sibling...it never leaves you the damage they do. I never had the confidence to fulfil my potential but with my own kids ive shown love and support so they have achieved a nice life. Its all you can do.
Holidays were always a special hell. To this day, 35 years later I still can’t enjoy any holiday or my own birthday.
been there 😥
Yes. I absolutely hate holidays, and the bigger the holiday the more I hate it. :(
Make your days special yourself, now you know so use those techniques like radical acceptance, stone walling. Your past is Over, today is yours.
@@pa2359 yesss
Omg..its the same for me as well. I still dread holidays
I took a parenting class where they actually said mourning the death of a parent as a child is less traumatic than being in a high-conflict situation throughout childhood. So grateful for your wisdom and validation Dr. Ramani! ♥️
I had both of those things. My mom is a narcissist and my dad died when I was almost a teenager
Tracy Blackman So sorry to hear that. Wishing you much strength and healing.❤️
I get that completely.
Is anyone else AMAZED when they read about Narcissistic parents and realize how textbook the experience is? I've read books that list out common phrases that a Narcissistic parent might say. It's like, ✅...✅....✅!!!!! It's so uncanny that the first time I read such a list, I literally looked around the room like I'd just realized my entire childhood was on candid camera. 😳
So true! And those uncanny words do not even differ from culture or language
✅
YES!! It’s scary, almost. At times when reading a book or listening to these videos from Dr. Ramani, and seeing how their narcissistic tendencies and behavior checks ALL of the boxes, I start to have a panic attack to the point were I pass out or come very close to passing out. Awakening to this reality of having a narcissistic mother and an enabling family is extremely difficult. Thankfully, we’re not alone. 🙏🏽
I know!!!! It's uncanny!!!
Hey can you list one of those books, i would like to try thanksss
I cried more in this 20 min video than this entire year… it hurts so much knowing tht things will never change, since sometimes my dad was capable of love and affection but just one wrong word can spiral in screaming and yelling for hours. It’s like my heart was cut open all my life for the pain I had to endure
i currently live with a narcissistic parent and i can tell when she’s manipulating and gas lighting me. every time. i honestly applaud myself for the fact that i haven’t disappeared off of the face of the earth yet.
I totally get it. But don't disappear sweetie. You have your whole wonderful big life in front of you. Just do what you need to do to move out and away. Xo
Move, now!! Not next week, now!
Kudos to your courage and clarity. Stay strong!
Sev en, I hope taking the info from this video will help you. Understanding the monster is a first step to self preservation. Pls understand that your parent's behavior is NOT your fault. That you do indeed matter. I would encourage you to find someone that you can trust and talk to about your hurts and feelings because I wish I had that when I was young and clueless about my abuse. I wish you the best.
there are so many incredible country songs created every year, and for the @Recording Academy / GRAMMYs to include ours for the 3rd year in a row (tequila, speechless, and now #10KHOURS) is a tremendous honor. thank you so much to the nomination committees for considering us, it truly means the world. we’re proud to share this moment with our friend @Justin Bieber, and all the wonderful fans who got us here. ❤️
My childhood became isolated and very lonely around 7 years old when my brother was born and it has never stopped. A teacher reached out to my mom to have a conference to discuss my deep depression at 13yrs old. "My daughter isn't crazy and is not going to a psychologist". When I was 15 I met a group of friends and their families who became a big part of my life. My mom gets together socially with her family (cousins and their children) and I have never ever been invited- I am in my 50's. My wonderful mother in law was a surrogate mother to me for 20 years until her death. She helped me become a good mother by watching her relationships with others. On her deathbed I told her that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. I cry writing this, please tell the people who matter to you they do and work on those relationships.
Oof, I know what you mean by not being invited to family events. That hasn't happened to me, but my parents have actively discouraged me from forming any relationship with my relatives -- even relatives that they themselves get along with. They'll tell me they're going to the funeral of my cousin X, and that will be the first time I've ever heard of cousin X. The only explanation I can think of is that they believe it's "their" family, not mine...even though I'm their biological child.
I will I promise. Much love.
I am so sorry to hear about the things that happened to you in your life as a child. I’m happy for you that you had a great mother in law. I did too . I’m sure she loved you very much.
@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 Thanks for sharing, so sorry your loved one passed too soon. Valuable to know what a significant difference we can make, both for good and for bad, in what might seem an insignificant time.
you were very lucky
My entire life has been peoplebtelling me ' I can't believe you can talk about your dad that way""
Enough said
It's strange how some people will demonize the victim while victimizing the demon at the same time.
Oh yeah, we get the shame from all angles.
I'm so sorry ❤️
@@MCLV1155 i don't have to imagine 😔
My dad loved calling me degrading names like "idiot" and "dummy," among all the other shaming and snapping at me. When I talked about it to adult friends later, one of them was like "Do you think he was joking?" Why otherwise good hearted normal people gaslight like that -- I have read that childhood trauma changes your worldview making you feel that people are unsafe. But to be honest, I am seeing a clear picture that childhood trauma actually *does* make people unsafe. When people minimize my pain or make me feel stupid for things that actually happened that actually wounded me, they are carrying the torch of my abuser! And they are exasperated at my disabilities from my wounds. Most people really do become dangerous. *shrug*
"You were robbed." Yes. Plain and simple. Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤ It's the sad truth, and I still grieve the childhood I had (as well as the one I didn't have), but hearing you say this feels incredibly validating.
my immigrant parents always threw out the “we sacrificed our lives and did all of this for you and your sisters”....gave me so much guilt and shame..i appreciate their help but that will not make them dictate my life. thanks for the validation
True. I engaged and I get guilted into everything my mom wants me/us to do for the wedding. I wanted to push the date back because of covid and was told she could die tomorrow so I need to have the wedding ASAP.
ESP when the advice they give is meant for slave wages not upper Mgmt soooooo if you do what they say you’ll stay at the bottom needing their help 🤷🏽♀️
@@2okaycola Such a great analogy!!
Immigrant families recreate with their families, the caste order that oppressed them.
@@2okaycola yes. My mother always gave mw horrible advice.
Well said!! They CHOSE to have children. Its not my fault they had to pay for me. Between the narcs, the enablers, the gaslighting, and the invalidation, it's amazing I turned out alright.
I was adopted. Why would you adopt a child then be mean to her?
Only if you're a mean person, looking for a victim.
YES. it makes me so proud as well, to heal right now at 16 and be the opposit. we can thrive and we grow to be wiser and stronger. wish all the best!
Yes, I was robbed of my childhood. Everybody told me I was an old soul when I was a kid. It wasn't that I was an old soul, I was just an abused, cynical, tortured soul. Narcissistic parents, one especially sadistic, really ruined my future relationships. It is indeed a demon on my back. In middle age I am still trying to heal. Thank you for this video.
You weren't an old soul. Most probably you were the only adult and sane one in that family even if just a child. 💗
I was told I was an old soul too! Which basically meant, you be the parent while we get to be mean kids with power over you. Loved your comment. It opened my eyes.
@@lauragrolla5916 ♥️
@@beautifulawareness1707 ♥️
Same here. All my teachers said why do you have a permanent frown on your forehead. I was just 8. i never smiled as my mother stole it from the moment i was born. I am 41 or 42 now. I still dont smile. My spirit is crushed
I was adopted by two narcissistic alcoholic parents at the age of 5. I was their maid, their servant, but far worse than the forever long work was the intense mind-games & bullying, even the slaps to the face were easy compared to the gaslighting, name-calling & religion used as a weapon against me. Sadly, I have many autoimmune disease I attribute to being raised this way. Having had a stroke in 2021 I have now fell into a pit of rumination as mentioned in this video. I can’t help but wish I could have had a different circumstance, so I could have been a healthier productive adult. It’s like I’m trying to complete a story in my mind, a reason why, to make sense of it to be able to accept it. Thank you very much, Dr. Ramani, you’ll never know how much this video helps us who have suffered this way. It means so much to hear someone understand & care.
When you wrote "It's like I'm trying to complete a story in my mind" --- so relatable. I think it's hard for us to understand or comprehend because it's so outrageous and something we ourselves would never do. How can the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you treat you worse than strangers? My mum rented out a house to 8 people, I was one of the 8.. all the others were strangers and had beds, wardrobes etc. I slept on the hard floor. I felt like a worthless dog. The wardrobe i bought with my own money was given to someone else. The reality, as Dr Ramani alluded to in this video, is that in the sick cowardly mind of a narcissist they KNOW they can get away with treating a child or someone dependent on them like that, with no repercussions. They can get away with it. But doing it to others, no way. They abuse the defenseless voiceless easy targets. Because they are cowards. And they don't know the definition of love. They only care about themselves. And having someone to abuse gives them a sense of power. That's the disease of narcissism. I hope you find a way to end the rumination, I'm on the same journey as you. Hope we get there. 🙏
I was with my mother when she died and I felt a blink of excitement watching the monitor and her oxygen level decreasing knowing I did not have to deal with her anymore. I walked out of the ER and sat down looking at the mountains in the distance and the view appeared more vibrant to me. I'm still processing the damage this woman inflicted on me but when she died I felt nothing but relief. No tears. I've only shared this with friend whose sister committed suicide after years of drug abuse and he admitted how tired he was of trying to help her live.
It's hard to read this and I'm sure it's even harder to hear yourself say it! Reality is: truth is truth! I to,
am looking forward to the day. She is 91 and going strong!! I could write a book on the damage she has done and the lives destroyed. I was 70 when what she is, was revealed.
I was in the room when my father died, due to a sense of duty, as he was "my dad" 18 months later I still remember looking at his empty shell and feeling nothing. He gave me nothing and at the end I had nothing for him.
Crying hysterically at my fathers funeral and when I got home I realized, “you can’t hurt me anymore! “ he was a physically and emotionally abusive sadist with almost Taliban levels of misogyny. He took great delight in thwarting me and my sisters and trying to justify that by saying we we’re girls. ( we aren’t Muslim or Middle Easterners) He made me feel so helpless. With my mother, she was so emotionally abusive I honestly thought she was a psychopath even though she wasn’t violent like my father. I didn’t even cry because I was so glad she was dead . She used to hold my funeral in front of me as a child , destroy prized possessions , call me horrible names , humiliate me in public every chance she got etc etc etc . I still don’t know why she hated me so much and honestly don’t care . I don’t have to deal with her sadistic verbal or emotional abuse any more . I just didn’t win the parent lottery !
Thats how I believe I will feel when my mother passes. I'm glad you have some peace in your life now
This is so amazing to realize that I'm not alone! Thank you for sharing!
It is so wonderful and rare to hear from someone who understands this lonely experience. Thank you!
Yes, quite lonely. And you can't discuss it with anyone because they cant understand. It's just so sad. I wanted meaningful hugs and empathy and unconditional love. She ignored and criticized my sister and breadcrunmed me. I'm so sad because I love her and wanted my parents to show me more love
“Why arent you upset about your mom passing away?? She was a great lady!!”
No, she just wore her mask well….
My mum has recently passed away. Reading people's comments about her in sympathy cards is like reading about another person.
I remember people reminiscing about my mother at her funeral, how much fun she was, what a great lady, generous, blah, blah, blah! I had NO idea who they were talking about! They were using my mother's name, they were at her funeral, but I knew a whole side of evil that no one but very few of us knew about.
@@patchlange I can relate to you. Would love to talk to you. My mother was very much the same.
Unless you are their child.
Mask= nobody sees the REAL them except you 🙄 almost unbelievable to others! But when they know you know it's very hard for them to NOT show themselves.
My "re-parenting" as a dad was successfully achieved through years of participating in 1:1 therapy with a qualified counselor. (I still go!) I am happily married and have two wonderful children (girl 13, son 9) who I am glad to say have benefitted from me un-learning the behaviors I learned from my narcissistic mom. Now that I have cut her off from communication, I have begun to build relationships with my wonderful extended family, whom I am just now getting to know. My aunt and uncle support me with the unconditional love I've always longed for from a parental figure.
#6. Be at peace when the narc passes away-
It actual give me HOPE to hear that I will have peace when they are gone. People around me tell me that if I don’t make peace before they die I will never have it. They say I will have regrets. They don’t know the truth, but I do. Thank you for helping me validate my decisions.
I tried to explain myself and what I experienced to my narcissistic mother. She used those feelings against me and told everyone I was crazy, and exploited almost everything I told her into HER being the victim. (Of me as a child???) I’m living a better life without her in it, and I made that decision finally at 45 years old. She continued to deny ever doing anything wrong and makes me sound like I am attacking her no matter how I approach her. I’m done. And it feels freeing for the first time!
This gave me hope too. I have also been told to make peace before they die, or that on their death bed I will have to go see them to give THEM peace of mind. If I don't I will regret it. I don't think I will. It's a complicated situation to be in, but here we are.
@WillSupport ForSushi don’t bother; you’d be wasting your breath. They’d only try to defend and justify themselves, as @Just Looking did above. When my narc father died a few years ago, I didn’t talk to him about his behavior. My mother had given me a great piece of advice: people are who they are through their dying processes; their personalities do not change. Don’t believe the stupid Hallmark ‘fessing up death scenes you’ve seen in movies or tv shows. My father was his narc self the whole time. When he died, I cried, mourned and was angry for 2 weeks; then I was done. I’d already done most of my crying in the years before that. Look forward to their deaths as a road to freedom for yourself, if you haven’t gone no contact yet. I wish you health and peace. 🙏
I felt immense RELIEF when my narc mom passed away. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for letting us know this is OK, this is a necessary part of the grief process.
@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 I hear you, the advice given to you is definitely from a narc, so don't let them fool you, their enablers are every where.I have heard this lame excuse all my life even from people I've never known ( funny how people always keep you entangled ). It's like a mass conspiracy. The narc is finished because their gaslighting games are exposed.
“There are no second chances on childhood.” Wow. So powerful. Just turned 50 years old and recently found your videos. Thank you for explaining all my emotions and confusion my whole life. It feels like you have given me a second chance at life. The light is on, I have a new lease on life. I feel like a human! Thank you!
I'm the same age and suffered with porous boundaries. Have very recently made the decision to cut ties but its hard and I know that I will get backlash from the rest of my family.
51yrs old and live with my narcisstic father - greyrock is the only my only tactic. It is slowly destroying me, but worse is that my children are being raised to believe this is normal behaviour of grandparents...
@@libertyforoneandall sending love 🥰
Julia, Happy belated birthday! I know how you feel & I'm turning 50 in a week. Realized 2 yrs ago my mom was a covert narc, recently understanding that my father is also narc (another type), especially worse with aging. Both products of very diff types of dysfunctional parenting. Good for you on making a new start! Hang in there❤️
😔
No contact has brought me peace. Yes, I get the guilt trip from some family members, but I'm physically too far away for any of them to visit 😁😁
Hash!!!. Me too😌
This is what I want for myself
The problem is I don't know how😥 cause I don't have a job
The guilt trip is usually from the one who became a scapegoat or a flying monkey. Both have no care for your well being. They just want to use you as a shield against the venom of the narc.
It's hard because I still love them, but know they couldn't have loved me. It's tough, the guilt can be overwhelming
It is hard. I have the natural feeling (as a normal, caring person) to still interact with them, then I stop myself. Cannot open that door again.
#6 I've been waiting for my parents to die since i was like 12. Im 33 and still praying 💔
I think narcs live to a ripe old age because they transfer all their negative energy and stress onto those around them and those people are the ones who are sickly and die young. At least that's been the case in my narc riddled family
Sadly, I was finally free of my narcissistic mother when she died of COVID in 2020 when she was 93. It was a tremendous relief. It’s horrible to say that I was almost giddy when she died. She could no longer be cruel to me. She said vile things to me and about my family. EMDR therapy helped me a great deal. I worked very hard at it. It was heartbreaking to realize that she had no empathy for me. I was her punching bag. She died never admitting she was wrong about anything and never, ever apologizing for anything. I am very happy now, but most people can’t handle hearing a bad word about a mother so…yet again, I keep my mouth shut just like I was taught when I was a very little girl.
I felt the same way when my dreadful narc mother died at 89. She evaded justice here on earth but she's being dealt with now. Karma is a wonderful thing.
well done, and maybe share with only people you know and trust. I'm waiting for my father to pass away.
@@sarahlovett57 My narc enabling mother died 11 months ago of dementia, just before her 96th birthday. To be truly free of my parents' narcissistic abuse, I will have to wait until their golden child, my older brother dies. He was like them the first-born - every cruelty by him represented victory over their younger siblings. He NEEDS to crush me, and it's 36 years since I went no-contact. Hate is a powerful drug.
Yes I can relate I'm at a low now because an incident has happened and of course like other times the recruitment with other family members has started and my mom is not wrong and I'm going to "hell" or live a short life because I won't accept her behavior. I have had enough and some people on the outside can't imagine that she is this type of person..I'm the one that needs help...No more physical or mental abuse from her that toxic relationship is cut off
Oh bless your heart.
The best thing I ever did to myself is, I became the Dad I wish I had. I started telling myself what that perfect Dad would say to me. And I did it.
And thats what breaks the cycle
Beautiful
Never let your guard down because as long as the N Parent is alive, there is a chance you will be sucked back in.
thank you so much for that
I honestly am afraid to have kids because I have seen myself already mirroring my N mom and I really don't even wanna have kids until I no longer have ANY of her in me and until I grow a whole new me 😭😭😭🥵 what you did for yourself and for your child is my goal and an inspiration
"NO, DO NOT INVALIDATE THE NIGHTMARE I ENDURED..." Wow!! All my life I've been gaslighted by those saying all the things we've all been told (no need to go into them here, we all know them). Thank you for that. Sounds like a re-parenting strategy to say that cuz it sticks up for ME in a way that no one ever stood up for me or believed me. NO, DO NOT INVALIDATE MY REALITY. Starting to re-parent and stick up for myself right now! Thank you!
This one hit me hard too! I am actually going to shout that to the next person that does it.
I Had A Narcissitic Mother And A Very Empathic Father, I Was So Very Grateful For My Very Smart, Intelligent, And Loving Father!!! Thank You So Much Dr. Ramani For This Very Important And Informative Video!!! I Appreciate You So Much For Your Help With This Topic!!!🎉❣️
This made me cry. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this.
me too! It really struck a chord.
Narcissists are just in a cycle of hatred because they were once victims. They felt powerless and worthless and do what they need to do to not feel that again.
I know ! me too my dear.
Same. Such a relief to hear what dr. Ramani said. Such a relief 🙏🏻
Dr. Ramani helps me giving the right dignity to my pain and anger. I was adopted and my mother was horrible to me and my brother. Her brother abused me sexually and my mother hit me when I told her, she told me it was my fault. I had so great difficulty in life, so much struggle and people telling me I should be grateful because she adopted me. Makes me furious and now I know it's ok for me to be furious. So grateful for her words 🙏🏻