When narcissists "devalue" and "discard" (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Narcissist's Prayer:
”That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, it is not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did.
You deserved it.”
So apt ! Especially the last line.. "you deserve this" because blah blah blah...
Sharon B All Men, or Amen ... or something like that.
Ha! My gosh. Soooo true.
SO true
Sharon B
More like narcissist mantra than prayer 😉
The way they can just go into a rage/temper tantrum is just crazy. They act innocent in front of others but behind closed doors they are a different person.
My sister
I always said my ex husband was so different behind closed doors
Fiona Sweeting it’s crazy, I still have to work with mine she wants to be o so nice. I will be honest and say the sex is amazing. Though if she doesn’t get her way or is told NO! She would say I’m the problem and she would be gone.
@@jhonwayne1003 don't do it brother. The sex kept me there and I wish I had valued myself more. The additional trauma I went through was not worth it
Ire80 East
Yes they have a mechanical addictive high powered sex
It’s a SCAM there is NO bonding or connecting, it’s all meant to HOOK people so they can destroy you
Getting discarded absolutely broke my heart and spirit. So grateful to have moved forward and be healthier. For anyone going through this, it gets better.
@@amuart8997 I would guess maybe just saying you were concentrating on memorizing Scripture or making a decision about something. Yes to not mentioning the exact transgression.
@@amuart8997 But I was unclear of what you wrote don't be happy. I didn't see the word happy in the original commentary.
Yes! Having trash like that take itself out is a blessing in disguise. It probably happened because you stood firm with boundaries after ignoring it for a while. It doesn't mean it was your fault when you didn't stand by this boundaries.. these people are savage monsters at the end of the day after acting nice for too long (for their own natural sense of INDECENCY)
Thank you!
My father has discarded me recently. It hurts real bad but is the healthiest thing. I'll never let him back in my heart. Ever. He will be eternally locked out just like my Mother. Both raging narcissists.
Five years ago I almost committed suicide as a result of narcissistic abuse. I truly wish I had had these videos back then. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Same omg it pushes you to a dark place it sucks you till you no longer identify yourself.god bless your soul i know you are now more stronger ❤
You’re here now!!! And that’s all that matters. You are HERE! Just so you know, you ARE loved. I love you. ***both of you!
That’s where I currently am. I seriously want to die in hopes that he’ll feel an ounce of the pain he causes me. I can’t take it anymore.
@@juleegroathouse2114 and don’t let the stupid consumer holidays set you back. that’s just the dark side whispering. *must mean you have good things brewing… we just have to unfurl them. 🌷🌷
@@juleegroathouse2114 and also… fuck THAT guy. For real.
Can't believe I am getting this info for free. Thank you Dr Ramani you're the best!
I know, right?
Thought of the same thing
Drew Sibley TRULY AMAZING! DR. RAMANI IS A LIFESAVER
Life saving
It is good it is free m a student stuck with narc with little money. She is my fairy godmother she came when I was almost gonna broke love her n very thankful to her🙏💕.
This is all so heartbreaking, isn't it. It's been over a year and my heart is still shattered. I still cry. I'm sorry for all of us with our gentle, giving hearts who have been through this or are going through it now.
taiticius ugh, I feel for you. I did the same thing and cried everyday for over a year. I’m doing better now because I understand it better, but can still tear up on occasion. Keep moving forward! The pain gets less and less over time. ❤️
The best thing that you can do right now is care about yourself. I understand that it is really hard. I have been there and I sometimes have low moments about this too, but you deserve respect, support, and love for who you are and not whatever box that they try to fit you in for their own benefit.
JoyZoneYT exactly right - we have to learn our own value, and protect that with good boundaries.
I'm a year post discard after 27 years together. I cry almost daily yet it's getting better 😢❤️. Divorcing in about three weeks. I'm so sorry for anyone having to experience this heartbreak as I went through these cycles for so long 🙏
@@thereallovetrance5262 I'm so glad that you are doing better. I hope to get there, too. I'll do my best to keep moving forward.
"Allowing yourself to be harmed in the name of love isn't love."
Oof. That hit home.
Literally had to pause and take a second after she said that. So accurate
Self compassion is like cryptonite!! I love that thought!!
Yep. My entire family helped put me In harm's way and then left me for dead and the abuse continues..
💡 moment for me
🤯
I was discarded 3 days ago. I am destroyed and shattered - I didn't even know what a narcissist was. But I'm also hella relieved the roller-coaster is over. I am so darn grateful I found these videos.
I’m grateful I found her as well I was actually thinking I was going crazy and thinking it’s all me. But when I watched her videos I realised that man I’m not the crazy part and I stayed because they played a victim and hard done by!
I’m glad she’s gone and blocked me. I hope I’ll never hear from her again and see her again. I don’t wish her anything but the best. But for what she did. I’m sure karma will get her back.
Much love! It will pass ❤
I hope your recovery is going well. The destruction is their goal. The cycle of idealize, devalue, and discard has insidious effects on human psychology. I was discarded for the 8th time about seven weeks ago. It surely is a rollercoaster. But I finally learned the truth that she was hiding; she's been lying about her divorce for almost three years. When I learned the truth from her husband, it opened my eyes and revealed that the woman I fell in love with was a figment of her imagination created to draw me in and use me for supply until she got bored and found someone else. Then, when that person became boring, she would come back to me, "I missed you so much, I never stopped thinking about you, I'm so sorry, I'll never block you again, I regret doing that" blah blah blah. Hoovering.
It's amazing how much power we gain when we can use a single word to describe a complex assault on our psyche.
Same Niki❤❤❤❤❤
We are strong. We are not alone.
WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!❤❤❤
"Allowing yourself to be harmed in the name of love isn't love." Profound truth, Dr. Ramani.
13:17
Geneva Lawrence I agree it's abuse !
They get is mixed up, how we gonna think right?
I disagree. It is love, but it's not mutual love. Love is love even if it's punished.
@@hunivan7672 Well I don't know what too think about that 🤔? Maybe or maybe not? I guess if you're looking through the abuser eyes the abuse is part of their love . I'm guessing it could be considered toxic love not healthy love .
I feel like I'm getting a degree in narcissism, and I didn't even know it was a thing until I went through it.
Ahahahaaa same
Lol seriously
Bingo! Things she says let me know that my ex actually, maybe unknowingly, admitted to having a cycle, when she discarded (made me want to finally leave).
Me too. I tell my friends I can write articles about narcissism.
Me too!!!
I’m not sure you know this yet but you’re absolutely saving thousands of lives worldwide with your content. Maybe even a million. I love you. Thank you dr. Ramani
agreed. this woman has singlehandedly helped me to end all of my narcissistic relationships and stay away from them. priceless.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for explaining the unexplainable so eloquently! I love you too and am so grateful for this awareness you provide.
She knows
I love Dr Rhamani too
Ditto
It hurts so much to be discarded by the one you never gave up on
Truer words never spoken 💔
She is literally the best speaker I watched 10 hours in one day
I can totally relate, I like how she's able to explain these pattern so well.
I know, right?! She is amazing, and I REALLY appreciate her insight, in providing all of the detailed examples. It’s SO, SO incredibly validating.
Dr. Ramani V, if you read these comments, THANK YOU!! Namaste🙏
I’ve just figured out the BIGGEST psychoanalytic things after this last breakup I had the luxury of surviving.
You have saved the rest of my LIFE by validating all of this BS I’ve had to deal with while questioning myself at times. I’ve been trained in diagnosing, but it is EASY to forget personality disorders because we’re not even including those diagnoses in our Axis diagnoses anymore!! Unless we’re specifically asked to assess for this, it can easily be missed. For example, Bipolar I Disorder shares many or the same or similar features, and well, for me, I was giving passes to some bad behavior that I had been assuming was unmedicated Bipolar Disorder!! 😳
I love watching her and learning... her affect and emotion really drives certain points home... I can feel what she's saying...
and totally normal too she doesn't act like a boring intellectual
I did too!
The discard was the most painful but ultimately best thing I’ve ever experienced. Words can’t describe the level of hurt that comes from that.
Agreed
Unbelievable how deep words can cut and they know exactly what hurts most precisely like a surgeon they place their poison injection and dwell on our pain. Finally, Diamonds emerge under high pressure and endure pain make you grow stronger. Without appearing vengeful would there just be the certainty they had to pay one day for all the evil they do.
Child I fkn hear u. Screamcrying in the fetal
So true!
I’m there now. The pain in ridiculous
Treating the "discard" as a gift is one of the most brilliant things I've heard in a long time. So true. Bc the suffering never ends with narcissists...
But how do you go on not feeling like utter crap after? Thats what is terrifying. Processing everything without any reason for it, why would anyone treat someone this way? Nobody should hurt this way. Discarding feels like having your soul taken, beaten, and thrown to the world where it has somehow become terrifying... to not be able to recognize it anymore. What is wrong with me
I just want it to be okay
True
Evil exists in the world and it preys upon good people.
Good people cannot understand it, but fortunately it is not necessary to understand it in order to resist it and eventually triumph over it.
Lean upon God, Who made you and loves you.
Give yourself the same love and compassion that you gave to your abuser. They don't deserve it, but you do.
Seek out good people and learn that treating others as you would have them treat you is only half of the equation. The other half is requiring others to treat you as you treat them.
You are important, too.
God created you for a purpose.
He did not create you to be used and abused.
He created you for love.
@@EmS33333 I prefer to feel sad and not invest any further into someone who can not love me back. Sadness fades over time. There is not right answers to this, but I think it helped me to really get into the feeling and realization that I am worthy of the best, and the best only. That's how I treat myself now. I am a good person, I know this, so why don't I deserve something good. Hope that helps you?😘 If you really feel this way, you don't want a narcissist to get close and you start to look for better people. This way a discard is a blessing, because it provides you the opportunity to create a more safe and comfortable surrounding for yourself, with the right people. I can tell from experience that it's true and that you can spend a lot of time with the wrong people.
My husband's favorite lines to devalue me are "You know, you're not perfect either" and "You're not as nice of a person as you think you are". Mind you, I've never once said I was perfect and my only mistake was being nice to him for so long.
My husband telling me exactly the same in a last ten years!
Wow. Same.
My husband is even worse, telling me I'm useless and I'm a bad person, regret to marry me😥
@@emokejozsa5335 mine tells me that he hates my parents bcoz they have brought me into this world.
@@4upri , yeah he also hates my parents...very sad but we must stay strong!
So true about narcissists needing constant mental stimulation and boredom. They always seem to need an adrenaline hit yet they are Sooo Boring themselves and always glued to the TV. They think we’re stale ?!? How ironic
Yes, that is very true. I've had a gutful of these narcs, including those in my own family. They are malignant.
Andri R
IKR
So many characters you’re not sure 🤔 who they are ?!?
@@SuperGingernutz SAMEE
SuperGingernutz
Malignant Narcs are sociopaths and psychopaths, high spectrum narcissists
Oh my goodness, so true!
When they discard you ..its a golden chance to RUN
Thats what I did , best descision ever. Its scary that someone is calculating eveything they say and every move since the first time they met you . but instinct feeling will always tell you something is "off" about them .
Mariana, well said! Didn’t know what was happening at the time but I was gone within 12 hours of triangulation. 🤢🤮
You'd think they put their energy towards something constructive but nope 🙅🏻, all backwards and that's destructive for them!
Facts. We always can feel that something isn’t right but can’t quite put our finger on it until maybe we give them a second chance. After that though, get out before they try to destroy you
So true I gived a second chance and regret it . I did a surgery and she found it as an excuse to comeback and hoover me after I went no contact . I stop seeing her as human after that experience.
I was married 30 years to a Narc. A rollercoaster ride to hell. My Mom was a Super Narc, so there was no going back to that other hell. I was messed up from childhood, I felt like I was the problem (I was the Scapegoat, too). Finally, when my Ex started that cycle of discarding me AGAIN, I decided I had to go. I made a plan. I pretended everything was fine so he wouldn't suspect anything. When he left for work, I would pack up everything that was mine, and take it to a storage unit. I did this inside my garage, so the neighbors wouldn't notice. Went to the bank, transfered money, got a PO Box, cancelled credit cards, got my own place, on the last day, had movers ready to get my big stuff as soon as he left for work. If I could do it again, I would, but I wouldn't involve my grown kids, they turned on me, because he was their " buddy".
1. To get away from the narc you have to value yourself first.
2. Self-compassion is a narc's kryptonite: it will render them powerless.
The discard phase is so sudden it could give you whiplash! Literally overnight, they were like a turned down, de saturated, sour, negative, difficult and rude person. When you have never experienced it before, and you don't know what is happening, it's people like Dr.Ramani that save your life. I lost 10 years of mine to a covert narcissist. If you are on this feed, wondering about yours- run!
Try MIL. Same same same.
In my particular situation, the discard was confirmation that I had grown. I was no longer easy for the narcissist. I had been working on boundaries and the last conversation before the discard was full of boundaries. I took it as a sign I had outgrown him.
How? It's been 20 years with the last 3 being the worst. I have kids and don't know how to leave. I'm the one with the income.
@@lakendramontgomery5826 How to set boundaries? That's tricky. It depends on the narcissist. I first have to ask if he is violent. If so, there is no conversation to be had, you had to get out and get away.
If not, then to set boundaries, you need to reflect, get clear about your needs and wants, and communicate what does and does not work for you (your boundaries), do not explain yourself but be firm, no more second (and third and fourth chances), and enforce your boundaries at all costs.
For me, I told my ex that he couldn't come in and out of my life anymore (it's a long story of break ups and constant hoovering. I finally had the courage to walk away and he had hoovered me on and off for months). I also told him I expected more from him than the last four years, and refused to be in a relationship with him any longer until he proved he had changed. A week later he called me and told me he didn't want to work things out. I didn't even care about what he said because I was serious about my boundaries. He was so afraid of being rejected, he rejected himself in the end.
I truly think that each narcissist, though us victims have similar stories, we know the one we're dealing with best. You might have to do something drastic like removing his name from the lease and telling him he has xyz amount of time to leave. You might just have a convo with him and his fear will do the talking. At any cost, disengage, become emotionally detached, and prepare your exit strategy, or make it really hard for him by cutting off the supply you give him physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, and otherwise. Dr. Ramani has a lot of videos talking about dealing with the narcissist and how they might respond.
This is a very positive way of looking at it, thank you for this :)
TOTALLY
LaKendra Montgomery Plan carefully and quietly. You deserve happiness.
the final discard will have to come from us not them.
True...
Too late :( I refused to believe what I was seeing was possible and held on & on & on past the point of having anything left in me. I don't understand how it was just so easy to "throw me away" id Never left him and EVERYBODY that saw us/knew us... Knew I loved him and wondered why I didnt dump him. It hurts so bad STILL. I don't understand why my heart aches so badly still... Im trying to work through this and haven't reached out to him which is a first! Im trying but I feel like I'm nothing, have no confidence left, processing how I ever could have went back especially after the tine before last. Who wishes anybody to die? To be free ??? Just leave... But no... He wished a gun went off in my face. He said he wouldn't not only go to my funeral but be glad I was dead! That's wgat I just can't get past because i don't UNDERSTAND! Over 5yrs... I never gave up on what I just knew he & I were capable if being. Toxic is an understatement. Once he realized I was so empathic... He had more leverage and seemed to grow to hate me. Wed been friends 20 yrs. How'd I not know?!? Sorry for the rant... Im lost and confused and mentally and physically drained.
@@tonyalittau5474 I'm so sorry you went through that. After being in a similar situation myself, now I know that that kind of pain many people don't understand, and won't until they go through the same. It's a situation "out of the ordinary". I decided to go to therapy to heal any severe wounds that this may have left in my person and it is really helping me, specially with the understanding part which is very important! It really resonated with me that you used the word UNDERSTAND. With the biggest kindness possible, I encourage you to seek for a good therapist who knows the subject well and start psychological therapy, really, it is amazingly helping in the healing and understanding process! Hope you the best and I'll have you on my prayers, really.
Tonya Littau I get it. I feel the same way.
Good point.
I just got discarded today. I tried to cry, but couldn't. I'm numb, but I feel weirdly relieved & free. I already saw it coming from his months of devaluing, physical aggression, yelling, projecting and toxic cycles.
Universe, I receive the gift of freedom, peace and progress & thank you for the beautiful, joyful and prosperous journey that lies ahead.
More power to you. Hang in there.
Enjoy your freedom!!! From narc jail!!! You are in GODS hands!
Yes same!! Mine started earlier this week, usually after a relationship I would grieve the relationship intensely in the first week
But in this case I just feel nothing, I just keep watching these videos to make sense of things
@@rawrrrich thats so funny 😂I was discarded today I feel a secret happiness I cant explain, its a secret
@@sibongilemolale4414 there will be ups Nd downs along the way, but we'll come out the other side healthier and happier, wish you all the best in recovery
This really hurts. I’ve never felt so much pain, to the point I feel physical pain … I can’t wait until it gets better. Its awful
You will ❤
I wish someone would have told me about narcissism earlier in life. So many girls and women have to find out the hard way, just like me... this is so sad. I feel like after surviving narcissism abuse it’s our responsibility to spread the word and let others know about the dangers of engaging in a relationship with a narcissist. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for all this good information!
And so many boys and men have to find out the hard way too. This is not a gendered issue with regard to either victims or perpetrators.
@Emily Both men and women can be narcissists or narcissist magnets. This is not a gendered issue. What you are implying is sexist.
Jeff's English Coaching Hi Jeff, I believe that mostly women come forward and that’s why we believe it’s most common amongst us, but you’re right anyone of us can be targeted by a narcissist, no matter the gender.
Jeff's English Coaching Very true but in the community mostly women talk about it, you don’t see a lot of men commenting on these videos which in my case, led me to believe that mostly men are the narcissist abusing women but you’re right.
The problem is that still people think that the 'bad guys' belong to a party! People cant distinct them because they are semi correct, narcissists belong to political parties but not all people that belong to political parties are narcissists!
We need the real name of abusers (narcissists) and the real properties of abusers!
Republicans socialists anarchists feminists are not properties that belong to narcissism, these are places that sometimes narcissists just passing by!! Τhey like to make people violent, because they dont want to talk about their problems! All these places become shettlers to narcissism, because people think that the evil comes from (republicans, muslims, democrats, anarchists, feminists etc).
WE NEED TO MAKE PEOPLE TO REALIZE THAT THESE TITLES ARE USELLESS, IF WE WANT TO GIVE THEM CORRECT MESSAGE
'Example'
The x democrat did this this and this (this is narcissism, not democrats)
The x republican did this this and this >> >>> >>>>
The x feminist did this this and >> etc
If people realize the real tittle, they can find the real references
Their Kindness is part of the abuse
It's true. It's makes it so confusing.
If it were black and white then we wouldn’t stick around for so long. They like to keep it very grey
Wow, well put. Sick fucks.
It's really sad when we have to question everyone's motive for their kindness but it's necessary in today's world
Drawing Divas So true. Mine would do or say subtly sadistic things in such a magnanimous way.
I was discarded, devalued, and ghosted by my toxic ex. That, was THEE best gift ever! I'm freeeeeeeee!!! 😊❤😂😉👍🏾😁😄
I swear narcissist traits should be taught in last year of high school . I spent 18 yrs in a marriage trying to figure out what’s wrong , how can I fix , what have I done . Then my lawyer said you are married to a narcissist and I started educating myself. I couldn’t believe this was a real thing . I am thankful for my kids but sad for my wasted years . No matter what the time wasted on them hurts the most .
Schools that empower people instead of training them?
now that would be contradicting itself
We do tend to twist ourselves into a pretzel for narcissists. But understand it's not you nothing you ever do will be good enough for certain people and anything you do will be good enough for the right people
Me too: wasted 5 years to a racist misogonyst terrorist narcissist
I say this , but I will teach my daughter .
I think every time they give you the silent treatment is also a form of dicard. It’s like them saying your not important enough to discuss this with.
That’s my sister. Actually, both my sisters.
They make you feel like trash that they just had to throw out. No apologies or regret, it's them who felt like they were trapped, not us.
I feel that that he emotionally left the marriage 30 years before the discard. The devaluing and smear campaign was going on during this time.
Putting the pieces back together.
@@aungar2403 oh he was pure evil, wicked beyond belief! Hope you're glad you're rid of him, some aren't so lucky and must wait to outlive them! Hope you get your strenght back, keep watching, we'll inspire if only to confirm that you're far from alone! You are a great wonderful person, that's why targeting you gave him such a feed for 3 decades! Happy Narc Free Easter 🐣!
True.
One person's trash is another's treasure .
Yep mine said he was in a prison with me. That guy wld do what he wanted without arguement from me
When my friend devalued me, I was ready. De-value and discard had been her pattern with many mutual friends. As she criticized and challenged me, I stopped defending and explaining and said, “It sounds like I’m just not good for you.” This took her aback. We parted peacefully, she texted me at some point that I was still her “best friend.” I let her know I needed some time to process all that she told me and then I never went back for more. A 10 year friendship was over. Done. I quit. Free. Happy. At peace.
Standing ovation! She didn’t deserve you. You love yourself more and I admire that!
Good for you! I'm in a similar situation right now, as my wife of 8 years discarded me (it's my birthday; something I couldn't care any less about but birthdays are THE WORLD to her). It happened because we've been struggling for a couple years, I've learned all about narcissism from these videos and other research, and can easily identify her patterns. She has consistently been amping up the pressure on me to drop my boundaries and accept ALL fault and responsibility in the relationship, which I'm unwilling to do (as I've already taken ownership of my shortcomings and am very open and honest about the areas I'm working to improve on). But I won't budge on insisting that for us to improve, I need her to take accountability for her role in our issues, she refuses, she'll gaslight, blame-shift, claim I'm deflecting, say that I'm too sensitive and have Rejection Sensitivity due to my ADHD, and that I'm stonewalling when I politely end the conversation that she's quickly turning into a confrontation. In short, I see her, I know what she is, I won't allow the abuse and manipulation anymore. Most importantly, I know what I am-- a good person (not perfect) who has loved her but I deserve much better than someone who never loved me back. She accused me of cheating (which is just utter nonsense) and I didn't react other than calmly saying "I have no idea what you're talking about. I never cheated on you and never would". She kept escalating, I kept calmly trying to understand what she was going on about, and I saw the switch go off in her eyes. She asked "why aren't more upset? Why aren't you trying to defend yourself or arguing harder to prove your innocence?" I saw exactly what was happening, as this was a common BS accusation she would throw at me from time to time and I'd always feel hurt, defensive, tell her that I love her and would never do that to her. But this time it felt like she was just phoning it in, and I didn't have the energy to continue the cycle. She knew I was fully on to her and wouldn't be controlled, she stormed out, and 10 minutes later texted from our room "Your shit is in the yard, get the fuck out". 8 years of marriage and several kids together and that's how it ends. I've got friends texting me already that she's started smeering me online and they know that doesn't sound me at all (I'm already blocked by her of course).
Sorry for the long post. I guess it's more of a journaling exercise. The discard is exact what I need because I think she's gotten me so codependent and trauma-bonded that I might not have been able to leave on my own. This is hard but I know it's going to allow me to self-actualize in a way I never could with her.
@@DRAG0NEERS Bravo to seeing through the nonsense while still in it! You sound remarkably well-adjusted, and I'm so glad your friends saw through her BS and supported you. That says a lot about you since these monsters can be devious, and good people are sometimes easily suckered by their shameless lies. I hope the discard "took" and you are feeling free despite having kids together. That is a very tough road. I'm wishing you and your kids peace, joy, and freedom from narcissistic BS.
My former "best friend" went a bridge too far and I decided to go no contact with her after she devalued and discarded me for the last time when after we had been planning a major trip together for years, she decided to go off with "a new friend" and leave me hanging. When I complained, her response was, "I don't understand why you can't be happy for me!" This was after years of other discards, ghostings, gaslighting, unprovoked narc rages and deregulated behavior. Now she is hoovering me even though I have blocked her number and hung up on her the last two times she has called me at work [I can't block my work number as I work at a public institution]. She has, also, gone as far as sending my brother messages so that he can relay them to me. I told him to block her too. She has now recruited a flying monkey at work who is a mutual acquaintance of ours to try to reel me back in.
She's pissed because in the past I was always hoovered back in, but since listening to Dr. Ramani, I have learned a lot and will never be hoovered back in again.
@@rayarena879 Good for you for breaking FREE! I wish you well!
My ex, after almost 5 years of living together pulled the devalue and discard on me abruptly and out of left field, with no explanation as to why. I felt hurt and abandoned so I formally ended the relationship. When I told him I wanted to break up he sat across from me with the biggest smile on his face, which crushed me even more. I am now so grateful he gave me a reason to run. 👍
Creepy reaction he had. I'd get as far away from him as possible.
My ex narc knew i was pulling away, ( i tried twice, but he love bombed every time) after so many lengthy arguments that never seemed to end, and continued for weeks, even at 4am! He
After a very lengthy "discussion", he said this day could change your life, its up to you to make the decision. I said to him, lets both start fresh, no more bullshit..........After his mother interrupting us, (i was his parents carer too) she wanted her mail collected from the po box, i was happy for the break, I come back, he walks up to me asks if he could kiss me, i said of course because I naively thought we had ended the discussion (which you can never do with a narc), kiss him......then with his hands still on my wrists say I cant start again, you're not the woman from the beginning, i escape his grasp and said why the f*^k did you kiss me then, with the ugliest of smirk on his face, said "because I can". So Earth Angel, your not alone.
He made me so dependant on him, working only for his friends and family. He premeditated his discard of me, which I'm waiting to feel blessed about, phoned all my work clients, and turned them into flying monkeys who wont answer my calls or txts, so now i have no work, and a broken heart I know one day will feel like a blessing, but its only been 6 days.
that smile Earth Angel I know that crushing feeling from that moment, i wish I could forget. I feel for you truly. It's cruel. I want to be grateful like you, but im far from there yet. Dr. Ramani has been my therapy, as has EVERY single comment from everyone. I am so grateful for you all. Thank you.
I think sometimes they want you to be the one to leave
@@hayleycox5140 is everything okay with you now? Did you get more clients? Did your narcissist hoover?
Eventually you get to the point where you care more about your sanity than what other people think. You realize that you’ve overstayed for all the wrong reasons and it’s not worth sacrificing yourself for.
Amen , thank you !
I stayed for 40 years!
Joanne
4 decades of experience
knowledge & Wisdom ~
Turn yr lessons into
Blessings ✌️❤️🙏
So true 👍
@@phoenixrising8007 I need to remember to view things this way more often. Thank you
Every time I remember this I just feel like my life is forever changed. This was not a normal breakup and I will not treat it like one. This shit was evil.
I feel your pain
My husband of 30 years just stopped talking to me from one day to the next, as if I didn’t exist. The abruptness and shock of the sudden end to the relationship was the same as if he had dropped down dead in front of me. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since. What a truly sinister experience. I am just starting to feel it wasn’t my fault 8 months later. But one good thing came out of it… my children also now see him for who he really is and understand why I was totally stressed out throughout their childhoods. They always saw me as totally unstable and neurotic because that’s the picture he painted.
@@Earthkeeper777 I know... It's like grieving the loss of a loved one, only he didn't die and isn't grieving you (mine was out golfing/surfing/moving on, despite the pandemic)--which makes it even harder and more complicating. And the discard with no explanation was so cowardly and cruel--leaving us in limbo to try to figure out what happened which is even an extra layer of grief (I'm a single mom, so I know it hurts even more knowing my kid had to see me go through this). For months, I wasted time and energy crying and ruminating--wondering what went wrong--why wasn't my best good enough and "what was missing".
I eventually figured out what was missing, so I hope this helps. "What was missing" was what he himself was lacking: the capacity to give and receive love, honesty, generosity, acceptance, commitment and the ability to cherish and nurture your significant other/meaningful relationships He couldn't reciprocate any of those qualities that I gave, because he didn't have the capacity to be genuine, loving, honest or generous. He "took" and felt entitled-- even though he didn't give anything but a few breadcrumbs. While I was cherishing him with unconditional love and buying and giving thoughtful gifts--he secretly judged me, had contempt, and eventually devalued me. The relationship was one sided, the dishonesty, all the time we spent together, and all the lying about how he loved me "so much" was all BS he used to fool me and string me along to believing this was something special. But unlike the typical narc, he never criticized me or argued or complained about anything at all! That's what was so shocking when the "discard" came. Yes, a truly sinister experience.
These videos from Dr. Ramani (thank you, Dr. Ramani!) have helped me make sense of all this and identify all the similar narcissistic patterns. Also another thing that's helped lately is accepting and affirming the truth. I don't know if this will help you, but now, every time I catch a thought of him, I just remind myself the following affirmations:
I accept that < this "breadcrumber" > did not have the capacity to give or receive love, and does not have the courage to be honest or care to get the help he needs to better himself. I accept that he is not capable of making a healthy attachment, or reciprocating love. I accept the relationship is over so the healing can begin."
We are worthy of receiving all the good that we give. Never settle for someone who can't reciprocate or who thinks there's someone better out there than you. Big hug
It’s very evil.
We’re all watching these videos because we’ve all been there. I’ve never experienced a breakup like this either and you’re right, there’s something purely evil about it.
it wasn’t enough just to discard me, she then felt that she had to destroy me. I’m in therapy trying to make sense of what just happened. All the best on your journey 🙏
I was discarded the day after my Grandmother passed away. At the time I needed him most. It was like he wanted to take my grieving for my Grandmother and grieve for him. Then he tells me he would like to be friends.
This really opened my eyes to how truly evil this person is.
“As surely as I valued your life today, so may the Lord value my life and deliver me from all trouble.” 1 Samuel 26: 24 NIV
Vampy Heart,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
Take your "lord" and get out of our faces!
Amen
this channel saved my god damn life
Amen to that. 🙏🏼💯
Thank heaven for that!
Its been a whole year now since leaving my abuser and I just moved into my first apartment after being in a homeless shelter. It's wonderful to read these words of encouragement and know that it really does get better even if it's hard. Dropping that contact and getting the hell out and prioritizing my own health.
@@rachaelaltice6226 - congratulations!!…only place to go is UP😀
@@rachaelaltice6226 good luck on your new journey.
It was hell. Absolute hell. But eventually .. the grief passed. I am happy again. I am in love. Real love. With someone who doesn’t scream at me and devalue me and demand I pay for things and threaten to leave me if I don’t do this or that .. He values my work and my opinions and isn’t intimidated by my intellect. We learn together .. We read books on healthy relationships together .. This relationship is healthy ... This is rational. It makes sense. We both work at it .. we both WANT to work on it. If you’re going through a breakup with a narcissist, I’m so sorry. Hang in there. I promise you, it gets better!
That's just so inspiring hun. God Bless You!!
Gypsy FireSign That made me smile ☺️ Thank you!
I think im in discarding period
But at this i also want to be in relationship with her i don't know why but i want
confused 😔😥
Thank you for sharing. Super tough trying to walk away. May god bless you and your new union with your significant other. I love to hear transformation stories. It gives the rest of us hope.
OMG thank you for sharing your story. You're right it was hell. I'm so happy for you and feel so encouraged. You raised your vibration and attracted the same. Wonderful!
By the time final discard happens, you’re ready. It took me a year and a half to finally feel RELIEVED to say goodbye, rather than anxious or hopeful for him to reach out again soon. Give yourselves time and understand coping/grieving with a narcissist break up takes stages that we have to painfully trudge through.
This!! by the final discard you'll be drained & ready to let go... 💯
Thank you for this comment it helps
When intense confusion and mind games begin- make it the END.
so true as that is what is happening to me now
They pick your weakest moment to discard. When you've lost your job, when you are critically ill. Mother waited til I was in critical condition in hospital and not expected to live and then she came into my room and discarded me. Could not have been more heartless. They never discard when you are at normal strength because they know they are no match for us. If they can't find a weak moment, they will create one by sabotage.
what a nasty pig ..not a mother
this is exactly right ..I've been discarded when in the middle of major depression..unbelievable and evil
@@elizabethf9096 Same here. So evil it has to be demonic.
@@Kat-zh7ew Jezebel Spirit
It wasn’t until she ran me into the ground. I’d lost my career, family members, friends, and was financially destroyed
The discard for me was the best thing the narc ever did for me. I never looked or went back, even though that was her expectation.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. You always take the time to explain, so well, the complex issues within these relationships. Having been discarded, it has been so emotional for me. Understanding, logically, the dynamic involved with this discard became nearly impossible because of the intense emotion. I’m so thankful for videos like this, because it gives me the opportunity to go back and listen again when I do have times when my thinking is clearer. I’m thankful for you Dr. Ramani.
Rebecca Buschhorn
Yup, Stockholm Sucks!
AMEN!
Thank you Dr Ramani!
PJF
I was just sitting here thinking that his rejection/discard of me is the best thing that could have happened after many tears, defensiveness and anger. Once I was educated as to what was going on in this relationship I slowly begin to heal because it showed me that I’m codependent and I really needed to set myself free from that and release me from being attached to him anymore! I don’t need him for me to feel good about me!
After I allowed myself to be hoovered 5 or 6 times, he finally did that one thing I needed to lift the fog from my eyes and see the sadistic monster he really was. As I drove away from him for the last time, the sky was a hundred times bluer, the air was a hundred times fresher, and I felt the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders #happynow #truefreedom #fabulouslife
I am on my 5th time and granted it hurts a whole lot when children are involved when he leaves, I’m getting better at processing this. I’m seeing with a clearer viewpoint. It still sucks because I hold myself accountable for reactive abuse. I still know I’m an not the antagonist, it literally comes out of nowhere when I’m feeling ok with the relationship and happy with myself. He starts every time with little jabs, about me or my friends, or my parenting, my cooking, every little detail about me isn’t safe from his rejection and devaluation. This time I predicted it, I still didn’t know how fast it would happen tho. No matter what I’ve said or referenced, or show him books, websites etc, about his behaviors. He just tells me those sources are wrong and who are they to say he may have NPD. He told me recently all the books I read are written by rich white people that have no idea about interpersonal relationships. Nothing I’ve ever shown him is valid, even friends that have spoken up are invalid. It’s driving me mad, I’m ready for this to be final. Now I have to pick up the pieces for myself and my children and survive as a single mom supporting a whole household. It’s going to be hard but I know I can do it as I have done the last few times!
Did he ever hoover again?
I totally understand it when Dr. Ramani says “takes the narcissistic discard as a gift.” My narcissistic ex broke up with me after a short very intense and dysfunctional relationship that started with love bombing and ended with silent treatment and cold text message. I thank God it ended this way because I couldn’t do it myself. Dr. Ramani shedded so much light into this dark time along with the therapy. You’re a super hero!!
"Remember...self-compassion is like Kryptonite to the Narc...game over."
Loving yourself breaks your codependency to the narc.
The narc's jealousy of your self esteem, will set them on fire!
Compassion, a new best friend. I just started listening to Thich Nhat Hanh. Beautiful Barabara;)
Best advise!!!!
25 years later....when I realised who is was and went grey rock he is leaving.i starved him and now he wants to leave,crazy people.
When my new husband began sleeping on the sofa, and ignored my birthday, I was devastated!!
That was just the beginning of his devaluing. He discarded me while we were still technically married. It was the most excruciatingly painful emotional experience I have ever had. I stayed for almost 3 years, hoping, praying, asking him why he was treating me this way, encouraging him to go to counseling with me. All to no avail. Getting out of that "marriage" was the best thing I have done! Painful, YES!!!! But I am free to be me! Thank God!! (My kitties will never devalue or discard me lol)
Keep up your wonderful work, Dr Ramani!!
Good luck!
I adopted 2 kittens, they were siblings. One of them left me, and the other one is a sweeheart to this very day. You win some, you lose some. Stay strong sister.
hope46sf So glad you got out and recognized your self worth!
I understand you so well.
💙💙💙
It's like you have been standing next to me for the last 20 years. I am in tears bc I finally feel validation. I'm not crazy. And you have given me the tools I need to regain myself. I am so grateful for you.
"It's not your responsibility." This was the best advice I ever received from a friend. I was rationalizing his terrible behavior and feeling i had to be there for him. Five year free from narcissistic abuse.
These are truly magical words.
Omg the BEST BEST feeling I had and still have is “not my problem anymore” and my god that was freeing. Snapped me to reality real quick and moved me towards happy fairly quickly.
It's not...but they will use every tactic to make their irresponsible commitments All Yours...
And when you stand up for yourself...( Which you are Never supposed to do, lol)...you are this horrible person...and must be punished.😨😳🤔🙄
Self compassion is really important. Learned that the hard way.
8 years ago, my brother told me I wasn't worth his time. I gave him his wish then. Life is better.
@Emily I returned once too. I gave a second chance and it was strained and a struggle for years. Little stupid games of one upsmanship, belittling, unwanted and unwarranted criticism and also, how badly he talked about people we grew up with in the small town we are from. I had driven all the way from Ohio to Texas and was trying to make plans with him to get together. He knew I was coming. He backed out at the last minute and said I wasn't worth his time. It was an epiphany and I haven't looked back.
@@archywiseman Yes yes yes. My brother and his wife constantly talk bad about me to family, friends and others who knew me growing up. I can tell how they(friends and relatives) respond to me if they believe what they hear. Smear campaigns are vile. I've learned to let my brother play in his sandbox alone. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself.
@@marymartin3661 mutual "friends" have been a problem. Several have tried to get us to reconcile. I just tell them things are settled and that I am sorry they don't understand the full scope of things. I have great support with my wife, daughter and a lot of friends. Happily going down my path.
Ouch!
This is so true! When I met my ex I thought it was too good to be true! I thought I was getting that vibe because of my toxic marriage. I thought I should give this guys a fair chance. I regret this.
He was everything I could dream of. Until we lived together and the mask came off. Suddenly it was like I had no value
Yep thought he was a dream come true. I even kept saying it to him. That it seemed too good to be true. One night I was falling asleep on a video call and I said "you're too good to me" what I meant to say was "you're so good to me" his response was "thanks for letting me know". I said, "good night" and made a mental note. A few days later he picked a fight, tried to devalue me but I stood up for myself, and then bam he discarded me. Jokes on him. This wasnt my first rodeo with a narc. I didnt beg him back. We were only at it for 3 months. He couldn't wait to discard me I was too strong for him 😂
Similar story- I felt like wow finally I'm with such a great guy- 4 months later, when we moved in together, it's like his brain switched turned on and he became a complete different person. I had to deal with his verbal insults and abuse (it started off small and minute) but everything adds up. He started bullying my dog (told me he loves dogs early and was all over my dog in the beginning), making small comments on the way I dress (I personally thought I have a good sense of fashion lol), stop eating my food (told me he loooooove Asian food in the early stage of relationship) they really say anything to get you hooked at the start so be very alert on their words and actions the first 4 months.
"At the deepest deep a Narcissists self loathing is so deep and so unprocessed that just as someone does see the good in them. It's as though it activates there self-contempt. Which they they than project onto you. Wah-la! Devaluation! It's as though they project there devaluation of themselves onto you." Dr. Ramani
I love how Dr. Ramani clarifies everything and it starts to make sense. The malignant textbook narc I was with did this to me and I can now understand why and feel better. I know that I had absolutely nothing to do with that internal lightswitch these freaks have inside.
It was like a drug and after the discard I went through a terrible withdrawal. It was sooo hurtful that my body ached.
Me too. I was physically sick, i lost my weight and went to the doctor. It was withdrawal phase
@@tiaramakann I wish you well. Yes definitely a withdrawal just as if he was a drug.
@@Christine-nh3jg thank you so much :) i wish you well too
This is me now... I’m a mess.
shelley Ann will join you😩
Save thousands in " therapy"... Just walk away and live a virtuous life.. Always be kind and respectful.
My late husband had multiple affairs and I had no idea. So he was discarding me without me knowing it until I found out about all the affairs.
Me too. I'm sorry.
I finally started tuning in & breaking up before the discard stage and rewatching these videos has kept me validated & sane
Same 😐
Yes but not attracting narcissists are not being attracted to narcissus is a whole nother battle. I still tend to be attracted to men who are probably not good for me
My family is like that, they discard and disagree with any opinion, but when my father say the same thing suddenly they agree ...
@@LukiGames0 it can be like that are you the scapegoat? That would be why
@@taraarrington2285 My parents are book example of narcists. They meet almost everything that makes someone narcist and yeah after a divorce and my father remarried they started to think of me as a scapegoat. I will never be enough of them, he never show me love nothing, now i dont even know what love is.
We should thank our abusers, as they have prepared us for the current times we are living in. This virus has no effect on me.
Catherine Wacker what do you mean it has no effect?
@@TheDbaby86 I am at calm and acceptance.
Yes, this is so true! It feels kind of familiar... total chaos..lol But we can be safe inside ourselves :) Safe and free :)
Catherine Wacker ok yes me too that’s why I had to clarify to make sure
So true!
Record every hurtful thing they’ve ever said to you. Seeing that reminds yourself of why you needed to get out of the relationship.
I had a page of bad and 2 good things... I couldn't believe it.
🙋🏻♀️ one here that didn't think I'd experience narcissist abuse. Dated my ex for 7 months, and his favorite lines were "Have you ever wondered why YOU are still single?", "Do you think you have that many options at your age?", "How can you do this to the kids" Day 2 of no contact, I've experienced guilt and sadness (he has two kids from previous marriage) as I miss the kids but I realise I can't be in this toxic cycle any longer when my beautiful friends and family united and shown me what real love is. Stay strong angels
Stay strong! You deserve a relationship with a kind man who wants to have kids with you! Btw, very manipulative that he dangles his kids from prior relationships over you- he’s the one who has children from broken relationships- you haven’t done anything to them!!
It’s heartbreaking and I almost had a nervous breakdown.😢 Slowly waking up and got away from him. It’s so weird how they need stimulation, but yet he could sit on his phone or watch tv nonstop. We aren’t the boring ones. They lie with love bombing about the same interests or hobbies while their only hobbies are lying, manipulation and cheating. Empty vessel nothingness is what they are.
Dr. Ramani you described my ex relationship to a tee! This is an awful experience and has truly derailed my life! I wish that I had learned about and understood personality disorders earlier in life. I feel like this is something that should be taught in High School in a relationship class. All I have ever wished for in my life is a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship. It is so unfair that we have to navigate something like this.
Heather Pooler I totally agree, young people should be educated on this topic!
Heather Pooler I think basic psychology should be taught in high school. Would save a lot of confusion and “learning on the job”!
To a tee! Them all non-thinking textbook creeps!
I’m with you! I’ve been watching her vids for the past three days and every time I hear new information about a narc I think “OMG YES” because I have either experienced that with him or seen it in him. It’s so difficult to believe you could fall for someone with such a messed up mentality and not even realise it. You go so unaware of how much of your spirit is taken from you, those lovebomb cycles are truly toxic! And people who have never experienced it themselves will very rarely understand how you could let it get to that point too :(
I hear you
“Lots of people confuse the excitement of hoovering and idealization with love... it’s really not” 💣 💥 💥
Though I had the "perfect" man. Would NEVER have guessed what I was in for. 5 years later he has an affair with my sister and I find out he'd lied to me the whole time we were together, about everything. And I already knew what narcissism was- just wasn't aware of the different types. Mine was a "communal narcissist" - soooo tricky to spot. Can't believe it happened to me. Glad 2 b free.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is how I describe the narcissist in my life. After 15 years, it still stuns and shocks me into reality every single time
I been through all of this .A main reason why I'm alone .rather have a relationship with myself then let someone else hurt me .Treat yourself with kindness .🙂
Paula: But that's what the narc wants, for you to not be able to trust or trust in love again.
Worst part is, believing the narcissist and believing their narrative of you..It will eat up your soul. Never fall for that. Maintain your self trust.
I went thru the cycle a total of 4 times. I’m currently journaling my experience to help me thru this confusion of “how did I let this happen”. In doing so I realize how I was the honeypot of gold to get his fix. I always called him out on everything “sketchy” he was doing and gave him room to feel the adrenaline of loosing me and then reeling me back in using the fact that I wasn’t 100% sure and the compassion I felt for him. The compassion I still feel bcuz damn, it must be lonely and pitch black on that side and pretty much no hope for ever experiencing the calmness and comfort of meaningful connections.
I went back after he begged me only to be discarded again because I was broken and sad and couldn’t get it even though I’ve been in two back to back.. he was no different.. I let myself have his victim way he played more covert and victim never experienced a suicidal one. Cause I was in it before I’m guessing I figured it out more the last time he came back and didn’t engage as much then had a wife in another country and side piece and whatever he is still cooking up. I can’t believe I accepted that and he abused me physically and mentally and pushed me away and still played victim like I could kill him. I’m a girl there’s no way he choked and strangulated me when crying and etc
@@VictoriaMeeker that's him killing you without you dying. So sorry you have to experience hell on earth from the person who you thought was your best friend
@@aubreybryan5332 it’s Almost like he uses all my words to get me back and I begged and cried for him over the phone he’s never wanted to see me ever .. cause when we cry and hurt they think we are manipulating them and we aren’t they do. It just hurts .. he won’t face me I finally blocked him had enough of this back and fourth and they know it’s a game because he’s stated back and fourth but I said no it’s you
And then he tried to call me and show up I talked to him for a bit but I told him what he’s done and how bad he hurt me the last three days they don’t wanna hear it and run but I always think I’m being too mean but I’m not I just have to stay strong because I let my guard last time and got worse and he’s said revenge before like I left him for revenge no I don’t ever look at it like that so that’s odd that means he knows about that it’s so odd they tell on themselves
I’m an empath.I actually bought into this devaluing and discarding because I didn’t know about narcissistic behavior or that others were going through it. I was contemplating suicide at one point. That’s how low and useless my mother made me feel at one point. When I asked her why does she hate me so much and where my thoughts were, she blamed me. She has never, to this day, ever defended herself when I ask her why does she hate me so much. She never acknowledges it and she never says it’s not true. She never acts like this with my sister. I think because I was the primary target, a lot of times with an audience, it really messed me up. Now I’m 45 and I have the confidence of a bull! There’s no way they can mess with me anymore. I thank God everyday for bringing me through and saving me, and my life!
Im proud of you!
I never want to see that demon ever again until my last breath on this Earth 🌎 she's not my mother she's a psychopath or a super malignant narcissist! Never ever expected such a hate and evil from anyone imagine your own mother the women that gave me birth so I totally understand you and I'm also super proud of you and myself and all the survivors which got the strength to cut contact with their toxic families!
Discard me once shame on you, discard me twice, shame on me (One exception. When you haven't figured out it's a narcissist you' re really dealing with. In that case, giving another chance is just a normal human thing).
Gave him so many chances in 15 yrs and yet same results. Im so stupid
You're not stupid, your emotions were taken advantage of
@@jkai17 But at the end I lost life and my dreams..He got all he wanted and needed.
@@asweetpea11 u ain’t , whoever hurt I IS STUPID it’s better to avoid self blame in these kind of times for ur well-being
@@muslimwarrior9891 Its shame on me when he manages to hurt me or play my emotions over and over because I love him and he knows that.
You are right , it takes a tremendous toll on your physical and mental health , don't walk away , run
You just described my childhood with my mother and my ex-husband. The best thing I did was stop the cycle and I never looked back in the last 15 year's and I am so much happier. Thank you for a knowledge that I made the right decision.
It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. It happened to me with a person I considered my best friend, a sister for over 7 years.
Me too. I hope that someone like Dr R. will address narcissist "friendships" in more detail. The discard is just as hurtful.
I could tell my narcissist ex hated the fact I never reacted or questioned him when he was baiting me with stonewalling, silent treatment etc. I used to make it about him for the silent treatment. ‘Everything okay’ ‘I’m concerned you’re depressed & isolating yourself’ I bet that drove him crazy 😂
Haha good on you i did the same i wasn't bothered lol always filled my own bucket
Amazing
I think youre immune to narcissism
DO One better. Don't even ask. Continue your day as if it is the best day EVER. AS unbothered as ever.💅
Lol ..when hé was saying stuff about i dont have control " yeah i m thé cause of second World War .. and Also Iran-Irak everything IS m'y fault but u ll show me how u Can Fix that"
"As soon as someone sees the good in them, it's like it activates their self-contempt." These are the type of things that sound crazy when you try to explain it to other people. I don't know how many times my mom went completely nuclear on everyone in the house without any real reason; and people would say "what happened?" And I'm like, "Nothing! We were having a good day and then she just lost it!" And of course everyone thinks you're crazy, or that you're lying. And why wouldn't they? It's hard to grasp. You have no idea how good it feels to have someone articulate these experiences.
makes since my first was covert and it was a long term relationship the second was overt and it was instant insanity.
Ofcourse you did something.. You existed in the same space.. That is enough to trigger them :D
@@TheRealJohnHooper very true.
If they ask early on," why would you even like someone like me?" , run! Mine seemed to devalue me in some way as soon as he knew I loved him. I think they know how messed up they are, the fact you care about them, they view you as defective.
We believe you sugar cause we were nuked ourselves, could probably count on one hand the times we could relax. One definitely had to leave home to do so, perhaps her reason. Hope you're ok, they get worse with age, that should be entirely impossible! Go figure, keep your ears perked for all the no contact, your mind and soul depend on it advice! Glad you came out still sane, a rarity! XO 🎠
Thank you Dr. Ramani. A female narcissist just discarded me and it left me absolutely heartbroken, insecure and confused. Reading up on this abuse and it all makes so much more sense now. Im glad I had the strengt not to get sucked into a 2nd abuse cycle and instead just left.. You are doing Gods work. Thank you 🙏🏻
I know this video is 2 years old but it has helped bring me out of really dark place. I was recently discarded and it has triggered a lot of hurt from childhood that I thought I had dealt with. However I realized I had only buried it deep in my subconscious. I really was repeating a viscous cycle of fighting for expectance and love from a person who is incapable of receiving and reciprocating. Having self compassion has truly been the key in the slow process of rewriting my narrative. I thank for you all your work and information on narcissism it truly has been a life changing.
I just realized that I've always thought that these phases were normal in every relationship. 🤦🏻♀️ I kind of pitty myself that I didn't realize before that it's not normal for a person to suddenly, for no real reason, to change from giving you all their love and worship to almost getting irritated for your existing in the universe. But I am so happy I am starting to figure things out NOW and I can start a new path. I am thankful for these videos that keep me going forward in my life and guides me on my journey to find the truth in me and about healthy relationships.
My marriage and my childhood explained in less then 20 mins! My husband is a narcissist and I wanted to go back to my marriage after the devalue & discard stage because I wanted to show him I was “good enough.” Same feeling in childhood, I never felt “good enough” and everyone was always talking about me even my so called friends. Before I got married at the age of 21, I felt as if I had healed from all of it and I had confidence & self worth... I loved that version of me. Leaving my marriage now at 26, I feel like I’m back in the same spot as a teenager and it’s been painful to restore myself. But I’m so thankful to have found this lady!!!!
Oh wow... our stories are so similar.. I also struggled with feeling like I wasn't good enough throughout my childhood because my mom was narcissistic. I married a narcissist at 21, not knowing anything about narcissism and at 26 I've had the courage to file for divorce
Crazy ! I feel the same way about
Being good enough. I’m 30, and I feel like I’m back in the same spot as a teenager as well. My narc just discarded me
Mya Atabay I’m praying for ur healing!
What helped me was the Lord. As soon as I found out that God valued me, and I learnt to love myself because God loves me and values me. I found peace in Jesus. Its been so good.
And you have your whole life ahead of you! Make it amazing!
It literally feels like a breakup where they want to break up but they don’t want to be the one to do it, and they want you to feel like there’s something wrong with you for reacting to their gaslighting ways…. I didn’t know how to explain it but the way you explained it is exactly how I feel and it makes so much sense… I needed to see this and I am taking heed. This was the confirmation I needed. Thank you!
My narcissistic ex had a very troubled childhood with her parents divorcing when she was young...so I do understand why she is the way she is today...
But guess what, my parents also split up when I was a kid too and I've also had bad shit happen to me also but you don't see me acting like an asshole to other people...
i completely agree... i think we all have a choice in how we deal with the shitty deck of cards we are dealt.
I noticed older narcs will find a younger mate (or exploit a foreigner looking for a better life) to nurse them as they get older so they will treat them better to keep them from leaving.
Andromeda bingo. I know a fairly severe narc that married a girl from the Philippines. He treats her like a servant.
Very true
@@dw4525it seems to be a goal for most of the male variety narcs I've met including my ex who went to Asia to find a wife, got one in a few weeks now she's his cook, housekeeper and nurse. Maybe it's the language barrier that keeps them together ... And money.
They look for either a nurse or a purse.
My ex narc married a girl from over seas 10yrs younger and not having much family here, but he treats her like queen and has all the luxury and money she wants. She's a trophy wife as beautiful sweet and smart.
"People want to make sense of this process so asking why is understandable but there’s really no sense to be made of it because a narc isn’t going to cop to it. The narc isn’t going to turn around and say, ‘Yeah, I’m not capable of making healthy attachments and I’m deeply insecure and I have contempt for intimacy so, yeah, I’m rejecting you and I’m treating you badly to see and test my hypothesis that you will observe my insecurity and that you will leave me and my fantasy is that’s the case and let’s see if that comes true’...because they themselves aren't in touch with whats happening" - THANK YOU DR. RAMANI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really relate. I was discarded when literally nothing happened. Nothing had changed. That was the most confusing part. This is a friend I’ve had for years who suddenly stoped talking to me. For no reason. She may be a narcissist but she’s done this with others- so that’s why I think she’s a narcissist. There were other signs too.
Maybe she has a narcissist in her life isolating her? Or maybe she's suffering from chronic illness that you're not aware off.
It’s so vitally important to realize that Hoovering/Idealization is not love, it’s just an elaborate ritual of abuse.
This video really hits the target…I confused Hoovering for love, I was re-enacting a script of trying to please my narc/abusive parents, I also became addicted to the relationship and to the Hoovering and Idealization as a result of being conditioned to live for those crumbs.
The last time he tried to start the cycle again, he didn’t realize that I had changed. I saw right through the phony show. I realized he even had created a script to hook me in: cry about something, future fake about something, laugh like we were old pals.
Something in me finally caught on that he had absolutely no intention of building a life together, much less of treating me decently and having a healthy relationship. He was bored and needed attention so he hoovered, and in three months he’d be bored and devalue me to the point that I’d have to end it. Then he’d be free to pursue whoever else he saw when we were off again.
Yes the most cruel nature of a narcissist is to devalue then discard..... He who feels it knows it.... Dr Ramani you should do a video on how to beat them at their own game
No beating them! Just leave and let God pay them
@@dhanyaslifeventure ok
The only way to beat them at their own game is to not play.
@@nacarreira777 you are right Nancy. Mine was a family member. I was there in the formative years and it was bad but after I made lot's of mistakes I went through five years of counseling. My brother just discarded me. Wants me to apologize for something I don't think it was an offense. So I was "forbidden" to ever text him again. It hurt but I decided not to play the game so I blocked everything coming from him. Life is too short to play these games! I have peace again!!
You simply cannot beat them at their own game. The only way thing to do is to leave.
When my ex and I had our first real breakup, before I ever knew what NPD really is, and even tho I initiated the breakup telling him it was over, I used these very words, “I feel discarded”, “I feel like he threw me away like trash”, it was the worst heartbreak I had ever experienced in a relationship. I was so confused, felt unloved, and couldn’t comprehend why he didn’t fight for me in that moment. He was back in exactly 2 weeks, had I only known what he was then I would’ve saved myself. It was comforting when I learned this is typical narc behavior. I’m still processing the narcissist rape and how I let this all happen, but I know that I’m better than him, and will never lower my standards again.
"... the cycle can be quite addictive. The hoovering and love-bombing can feel like love and it's really not. It's abuse." That hit so hard. I'm currently 6.5 months pregnant and in therapy for the 5 years of this abusive relationship with my recently ex narc (and likely BPD) boyfriend. I've had more peace in the past 6 weeks of accepting the discard/break up and resisting the hoovering than I have in years. I didn't know I was losing sleep all these years until I started sleeping well recently! I love your videos, Dr. Ramani.
I’m in the midst of being “thrown away” and it’s literally like death. It’s terrible. 😭
Yes, it is terrible! Just remember that they are projecting their pain and insecurities on to you. You didn't do anything wrong. Hang in there beautiful. I'm in the same boat, it's been almost 3mos of no contact and I intend to keep it that way.
You doing ok, Jillian? I'm about 3 months into getting out of my being thrown away as she moved to another state.
@@prestontompkins5237 I’m doing better now that my eyes are open. I keep thinking I’ll wake up from the bad dream.
I hope that someday the media and fictions stop with the logic of "redemption", "love can fix anything", "the bad guy that becomes good when he finds the right person", etc.
The message you leave at the end, to not take the responsability of the happiness and "cure" of another person, needs to be spread around the world until every empath person on earth gets it...
Thank you for this video and all your work ❤️
"the bad guy that becomes good when he finds the right person" YES!!!
I blame cartoons like lady and tramp for example 😂
It's like society feeds those stories to teach empaths to be self sacrificial and enablers.
“It’s as if they project their devaluation of self onto you...” I see that, now. Don’t they project just about everything negative onto you?
Yep.
Yep, to them, it means they are superior to you in every way and that they can’t do any wrong.
Kathy....yes it was a friend but he totally projected his evilness on me. God knows my heart and what he did to me, my family and friends. Monster ☠
@@tracylabad2080 I’m sorry
I am 55 and your videos are REALLY helping me break the cycle of narcissistic abuse perpetrated by my sibling. I can't thank you enough!
I had a friend just like this! He'd become enchanted with new people he met and zone in on a novelty about them...then eventually discard them. He did this off & on with most of his friends. The times he'd passive-aggressively discarded me, I always pretended I hadn't noticed and just went on my way enjoying myself. It was almost comical how he'd go out of his way to try to show me he was avoiding me. I always ignored it 😉
Dr Ramani: All your talks on NPD are very painful for me to listen to. Because the Narc used every tactic described in your glossary to mentally and physically abused me. Nonetheless I feel blessed to have found you. Your insightful analysis on the narcs and the narcs victims has helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, Rr Ramani
I'm sorry you been through that.....its even hard to write about it. I been going through an extremely abusive relationship that has made me struggle with self compassion....Dr Ramani is a huge help for us who dont have the strength to stand up for ourselves. I want to work on my self compassion because Dr Ramani knows the keys to get away from the pain. Being devalued is so painful especially after a lopsided abusive relationship. Stay safe...its always hard to talk about these things. Been having suicidal feelings
These single term tutorials are proving invaluable to me in that they clarify past experience.
@Cliff P. Agreed!
Nice doggy 🐕!
If you don't like what she's telling you then watch something else quit bitching about it and complaining because some people want to hear it and say some people's lives so if you don't like what you're hearing don't listen and change it don't complain and your comment she does not deserve that she's a special little she's talking about he's trying to help us out you're doing nothing but harm I seen the crappy sing keep your back almost yourself and shut the door and turn the TV off go outside and talk to your neighbor or maybe not talk to your neighbor because you might be doing with yourself so alone so look in the mirror and talk to yourself but don't look directly into your eyes because if you do give see that demon inside their and you will see them straight at you in the mirror in your eyes and see what you see in your eyes you'll see that demon looking straight at you and his through the Daylights out of you but that's what's inside you are you happy that you let a demon inside of you that you were that vulnerable the only reason only way to get rid of demon is pray to God and he'll remove the demon from you and you will be a new person and you will not be back for some more okay and yellow you go look in the mirror and look at yourself and see what you see so you know I'm not going to smoke up your ass what you get there whenever don't look straight in your eyes just look for a minute or a second otherwise Ministries death in the demon might get you and not come on so just a quick peek and that's it and then take a small peek and that's it and then raised in the mirror before the demon gets inside you even more and more and you actually like what you see that if he even scarier go look at what you see if you like what you looking at if you do more power to you if you enjoy looking at a beauty inside your eyes cuz we sure don't do the cruel mean demeaning and horrible and everything just spawn of Satan the true demon and Susie are. Up your ass you know what I'm talking about here okay
@Rebecca Buschhorn I hope I didn't say anything against community standards because I was not nice to that guy but he pissed me off by saying bad things about you and you are not doing anything but saving lives and you don't deserve being treated like that because you are doing everything you can to help anyone that is involved with a narcissist
@Rebecca Buschhorn I can't find your comment that you just commended back to me and what I got you read really pissed me off I want to see everything you told me about this guy is I will definitely do something I mean not harm him or anyting but definitely I will do something like stalk him or him back to this bastard will not get away with doing this to you or anybody whatsoever she doesn't belong on Facebook or on your TH-cam channel that you're helping people saved the life with these narcissist that are killing the people that really love them and you don't deserve to put up with anything like that because he should be banned from FB and TH-cam. I can't not read something like he was saying about you because I have always felt like that about people who are doing nothing against others but they are just complete assholes to people that don't do anything to him and I have always had other people's back when I see something like this happening and it doesn't matter if I know the person or not because it is not right to be doing to others that don't even know this guy but he thinks he can do anything he feels like doing to you or anyone. Well I think he might be a narcissist watching videos about narcissist personality disorder because I have heard that some of them do that and start causing problems with the person speaking about it. I will think of something that will not physically hurt him but he will be one pissed off guy because what he is going to get is something that is going to get under his skin and he will be mad as hell but that is my whole point is to make him mad or whatever he is going to feel like because I will think about something real good to get him back at his own game. I am going to try to find where your comment is at.
I've been discarded for 3 weeks now. I have good days and not so good, but I know it's a gift. I don't know why I want him to come back and hoover me. I guess Im addicted to the cycle of abuse. There has not been one day that I haven't thought about him since I met him 3 years ago and now I have to work on getting him out of my brain. Its not easy at all but I do feel hope and very optimistic because I know its just the withdrawal phase. I will continue to watch thes videos because I can't afford to go to a therapist. Thank you again Dr. Ramani. Its almost like you've met and spoke with my Ex before because you have him down to a tee.
I was discarded this past Friday from a narcissistic ex. It left me full with confusion, sadness, anxiety, and stress. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I have been crying excessively from the trauma the relationship caused on me. I have been watching Dr. Ramani videos everyday and she’s taught me so many things and to give comfort. I really appreciate the work you do and it saves so many people dealing with these types of relationships. Thank you so much! 💙
I was very sick but he discarded me at the airport and said have a nice life .needless to say I dont remember the flight home. And need death few times the first 3 months I got home. I know now that I m not the only one that went through hell. I m good enough. Tg for theses videos. She save my life I was not going crazy .
Thank you for your honest reply, cruel is what they do, all textbook, he'll rot alone, you're very lucky to have gotten away! Keep watching, you'll gain strenght and wisdom. Stomping on your love was the best he could do, go figure! 😘🐣🐥🐤
Hug Yourself everyday🌸💐🌸
‘Have a nice life’ eugh! Have had those words said to me too. Can guarantee they are not in the slightest bit sincere about that
Not sure what you meant by.... "And need death few times the first 3 months I got home" ? I am curious because I had a very similar experience.
He discarded me coz i told him how sad and lonely i felt, he called me for 2 minutes shouting and yelling i hanged up then he texted me stay out of my life .. i read it and gave him what he wanted.
I thank God he did wt he did, coz i couldn't do it myself.
It's been 2 months no contact and i feel little better now.
I was discarded after 23 years of abusive marriage, when he realised that even at the lowest point, I had no intention of leaving. Clearly, I had overstayed my welcome. I stayed on for the kids and he tried to drive a wedge between them and me because he knew that would break me. He even tried to brainwash me into committing suicide, with instructions not to leave any evidence which might incriminate him. When all his attempts failed, he dropped the divorce bomb and proceeded to send me a divorce notice, stating that he was willing to consent to my demand for a divorce! At the same time, he reached out to family and friends with his false narrative to secure their sympathy and support. Now he’s the victim and I’m the perpetrator. It took me over 2 years to recover from this shock, after which I began to search for answers and thankfully, discovered the topic of narcissism. Now, I’m armed with information and awareness and on my way to beating him at his own game.
So glad that you are out of that madness. I was there and I know how you feel.
These is no help out there for us except these videos. I might not be here if I hadn't found them. It was how I found validation.
Yes....same.....let him tell it...I'm the abuser and he is the victim.....dude is batshit crazy 🤪🤪🤪
How evil. Glad you got out and I hope he did not physically abuse you in any way.
I'm terrified this will happen to me, not because I don't want to get away, but because I literally have no money at all, no job, no education, nothing in my name (car/phone), and chronic health issues I can't afford to deal with without insurance. It would take me a year (probably more) to save enough just to get an apartment, but how I'd be able pay for much else is beyond me. Last year I stopped having sex with him, and am currently gray rocking and avoiding him at all costs. I want to get better, started seeing a therapist, but I am overwhelmed with where I find myself in life at 40. I'm really waiting for him to throw me out. My parents and sis are narcs, so I can't turn to them and I really have no friends. I don't know how I'll survive. It's so much to deal with.
I keep listening to your videos to convince myself that I am lucky for being discarded.
Thank you. I truly needed this today. I've been discarded for about 3 weeks now. I have ok days, but then I have days where I feel sadness and confusion again and wish for the "Breadcrumbs" and cycle again. I keep reminding myself over and over that being discarded is a true gift! And to embrace it ss such. Get healing and pray he doesn't come back to "Hoover" me even though a part of me really wants that to happen so the cycle can begin again. I will continue to watch these videos and become healthy again. Then, I will pay all of this forward by spreading the word and dedicating my life to "Surviving Narcissism" in efforts to help others. Stay tune. ❤️💯💪🏾🙏🏽
Please, I know it's harder, block him everywhere because there are times during the trauma bond which is an addiction you'll feel stronger it's like ups and downs and you'll feel like even if he contacts you , you won't answer. Believe me, that's a false power syndrome part of the addiction . Please give a surgeon a cut to all this. It'll be extremely difficult and painful but try to imagine all the struggles you're going through right now, getting better and then contacting him you. You'll feel much worse believe me darling 😊 we are here for you, you're not alone ❤️💪keep strong ! Imagine you're being in a supporting group for addictions and that we are your fellow survivors supporting each other! We are here for you even if just virtually all over the world 🌎
@c3909 Thank you for your kind words. You are right and sadly that is what happened 😕 I did end up being triggered because I saw a post that he was performing somewhere and immediately I felt empowered to reach out and say "sounds amazing" I knew right after that I messed up. 😢 Although he responded with a "Thank you" and nothing more, I felt terrible. 😢 So yes , its an addiction, and I have to treat it as such. Im going to make it, and I'm going to break free of this Unhealthy bond.
You definitely deserve more than breadcrumbs like I do too!! Look at you..what a beautiful lady you are and especially from your words I can see what a beautiful soul you are ❤️
@@tbrown0420 you're more than welcome 🤗 and yes, you will!! Please look up into Dr. Ross Rosenberg, Dr. Les Carter, Lisa a Romano . These are safe channels and really, really helpful ❤️ I know you don't know me, but I can share the pain with you, I know how all this feels also I was born in a very narcissistic family. Let me know if you want to keep in touch if not don't feel bad about it. I wish you the best ❤️ peace and serenity and a good healing!