The 5 types of narcissistic parents
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I’m so proud of my mom for being a little of ALL FIVE TYPES! Good job, mom. Our family is just full of high achievers.
is that sarcasm?
@@anju8376 i never thankful for bad.
@@anju8376 i get the sarcasm. My narc took sarcasm as a compliment, and it became a coping/self defense mechanism for me. I live and breathe sarcasm almost to a detrimental degree.
Its hard to hear but i dont think these people dont choose to be this way, its just how they are, and we cant choose our parents :( we all become who we are in part by how we were raised, and their personalities, and same for them. All we can do is heal and not become what we had to deal with. Its super freeing!
I was gonna say the same thing!!😆
As a daughter of a narcissistic father, I'm terrified of ending up with a narcissistic man. I don't want to re-live my childhood.
someone said I'm glad you are learning about narcissism now. I didn't understand what was going on and did marry a narcissistic. Took me over 20 years to get free and I am now trying to help my children deal with the anxiety and confusion that resulted. Be kind and loving toward yourself and don't let others shame & guilt you.
Ooh, i have the same type of problem. 😭 And its always some narc around me becsuse i am big empath.
The fact that you are aware means your steps ahead of combatting that possibility! One thing that narcissistic abuse does is it teaches us not to trust our gut or inner voice. A lot of us are confused due to the cognitive dissonance that they create. Take some time to learn about yourself. Like really deep work where you find out what your likes and dislikes are and set boundaries accordingly. Its hard and you will struggle in the beginning. However, the more your do this the stronger your inner voice becomes. Don't let that voice get drowned put by guilt or flying monkeys. When you do interact with a narcissistic person (its inevitable unfortunately) you will know the signs, how you feel around them, be better equipped in dealing with them, and spot them quickly so you can steer clear of them.
Girl, study, study, study psychology and how healthy relationships function. You can do this.
100% all these replies...it took me a 7 year and 4 year relationship until I got good at spotting the signs.... but now I'm terrified as well and have gotten quite good at reading the signs. Before I'd let my empathy take over and rationalize everything....now, I run out of there early if their true personality comes out and seems to be pointing in that direction. I attract them but...at age 36... there isn't much left around here. I'd rather be single and content than miserable with a life sucking narciscist. I'm going to wait it out and be patient.
Having been raised by a covert narcissist I was genuinely surprised to realise, as an adult, that not all parents resent their children and consider them a burden, some actually enjoyed them.
Aaaahhh, right in the feels.
Agreed. My partner has good parents he actually loves which is so bizarre to me. Even they treat me better than my biological parents and I don't know how to feel about that
Exact same for me….. it’s shocking
I divorced a malignant one and so I coparented with a psychologist.
He kept me in court for 15 years after divorcing.
I wouldn't wish this trauma on anyone
My neglectful narcissistic mother passed away in December. I'm not mourning what I lost, I'm mourning what I never got to have. Your videos have made me feel safe enough to seek therapy for my CPTSD.
I hope you are healing.
Well done for seeing clearly the impact on you and for taking steps to prioritise your healing. That takes huge strength and courage ❤
I’m mourning the same loss now for my living mother who has stage 4 advanced cancer now. I was the golden child, that later became the threat as a young adult when I surpassed her accomplishments and life wisdom. As a highly regarded Christian she has yet to repent, but rather likes to angrily say cancer is her Karma for the ‘bad things’ she’s done. I’ll never know what she means by that… part of me is still holding out for something from her.
@@Bond-uz9ie Narcissists can be sympathy and empathy vampires. She wants you to feel sorry for her. Does she really thing she's done bad things? Has she elaborated on what some of those things are? If not, then it's sarcasm/manipulation.
I can relate as my mother suddenly passed in late January and I am mourning the relationship we never got to have due to her narcissism. I was taken aback by how her neighbors and friends talked about her as if she was a saint so I always keep everything that happened to myself as nobody would believe me anyway. Working on healing & forgiveness.
I just want to create a household that is soft, warm, adventurous, assured, calm, flexible, joyous, Safe.
Yes, absolutely! Good luck
Why cant you? Not being rude, just curious!
@@kims5561 Speaking for myself, it's because you may know how you want to feel but you don't know how to make it happen. How does a healthy and mature parent live her daily life, how she talks to people/children, how she builds healthy relationships... Soft, warm, calm, joyous are wonderful but you have to feel that first in your self so that it radiates from within instead of creating it out of the blue. And it's the tricky part.
Preeeeeeach! Right there with you and praying you receive a sanctuary that is all you need to strive 💖
Same! ❤️
I would always have my stomach drop every time they came home
I'm dealing with this exact feeling right now. They come in, oxygen goes out :(
I still experience that feeling of dread at times!
Same! I could be happy af but then the moment I heard my dad’s truck pull up, my anxiety would spike and I’d either dive for cover in my room or pace waiting for him to step in the door.
Even after 5 years of NC and moving to an adjoining state several hours away, my heart dropped into my stomach when I heard a Chevy truck that sounded just like his drive down my street.
As others have said, that intense fear is a defense mechanism and I’m glad he isn’t part of my life anymore.
Same
Yes!! And when I visit my parent I get sick when I pulled into their subdivision!!
When I was about 6, one day my dad smashed a newly bought TV just because my mom bought it without consulting him. Then she cried, leaning towards a window. then while I was just hugging her, because I had never saw her crying like that. She looked down at me, and said with contempt, “look how ugly you are, like a pig.” The indescribable hurt never disappears, and I have kept the belief that I am not worth of love. Narcissists should never get married, they are just disaster for their children.
😮 I hope you’ve given the that little girl hug and let her know how much she NEVER deserved that!
So sorry she said that to you sounds like she was taking her frustration out on you she was mad at herself for not saying anything to her husband it's so hard not too take it personally . You sound strong .Be well
If it hadn't been for them you would never have been born and the world would not have you. You have a life to live and people to love. This is waht i say to myself after being abused by two narcissist parents. I'm sane now!
You lived with two narcissists and survived. You have a super power. I hope you get healing.
I ve been told several time that i was ugly from my parents. My mum was less direct. When a beautiful boy (sadly a narc...) tried to take me on a date i did not realize what he was trying to do.
I've read something recently that goes like:
"Kids who are loved at home, come to school to learn but kids who are mistreated at home, come to school to be loved"
Not all kids are lucky to have parents who love them unconditionally and care for their necessary needs
I've experienced some neglectful behavior and emotional manipulation from my parents, I've always felt like something was off as a kid but only realised it as an adult
And people like you Dr. Ramani are important for young adults like us, to open our eyes so that we engage healthy coping mechanisms and break the cycle by raising our own kids the better way 🙏🏻
Dr. Ramani I don't know if you're reading this but I really need you to know that you untied a painful knot in my mind that I thought I would take to the grave without anyone else understanding. Thank you.
I feel the same. So many things make sense now. Now I just need to make sure that don’t repeat this ugliness!
🍁🌻🍁.....❤️
I thought I was schizophrenic!!!
@@brenner5147 These kinds of parents can create schizophrenia in their kids more often.
Same! Just remember, nothing was ever our fault, we are perfect just as we are. it's their problem. Difficult, I know.
2:38 core of narcissim
3:45 Grandiose
6:54 Malignant
9:26 Covert
11:54 Communal
15:20 Neglectful
18:28 Self Righteous
THANK YOU!!!!!!
Which one is the victim based attention seeker?
@@kyrareneeLOA My mother is victimized, attention seeker. She is a covert narc.
+ 18:28 Self Righteous
@@kyrareneeLOA Covert
I just was told my mom was a narcissist and I was in denial because I made the classic excuse of “well I had food and we had money for activities and a roof over our head, it wasn’t that bad….”
She’s covert, communal, and grandiose. I feel like my whole life was a lie. I’m about to start the process of accepting it and how to move w
Forward to heal.
Brooke. One thing I see in you that I have … gratitude. Now ofc it’s not like they didn’t drill how much they do for us in our heads but I feel you and I’m grateful to see someone sharing the same victory lap… it was all political and business. Not for me and mine tho. Salute to you mama.
@@bentheblackbutterfly222 thank you for this. It’s… been a horrible process but there’s been it’s good moments and I feel I can truly see the world and people for who they are and how they see or treat me. The rose colored glasses are off. It’s still very painful, but I feel I have more tools now than ever to protect my soul. Sending you love on your journey💙
@@TheBrookeJ love received and multiplied. Stay creative even if it’s in how you choose to rest and recover mama 💜 Purple Heart cuz you a soldja
Exactly the same situation.
@@Arifumi_ it's abuse! Period! Please talk to someone. Things won't get better ever I promise you. They get worse with age. You owe your mom absolutely nothing. You deserve to live YOUR life for YOU!!!! Only YOU should decide what you'll do and want. If you continue on this path? You're going to look up one day in misery, at 50 wondering how it happened. Heal now please. You have a lot of life to live only YOU choose if it will be enjoyable or miserable.
When I was 23 my therapist finally managed to convince me I was not responsible for fixing my parent's behavior (which I've tried all my life). "Children are not supposed to parent their parents". Strange it still took me a couple of years in therapy to accept something so obvious. But the pain, shame, guilt, and anger never go away. They are the biggest "gift" I've gotten from them in my entire life.
You are right on. It’s the shame, guilt and anger which are exactly THE most haunting feelings. My mother was a vulnerable narcissist and now so is the mother of my step daughter. Sometimes I feel like I’m in the twilight zone watching two entirely different humans ( personality looks, belief systems etc) act in the same predictable way. They are the only ones that make me feel this much shame ( especially around my mother) and guilt ( especially regarding the fiancés ex) and the anger.
I cannot relate as much to the fixing. I oddly never wanted to fix my mom, I just felt bitter that she treated me like a burden when I saw so many other kids receiving love. Whenever she’d be having a good day or I’d do something right she’d become super affectionate and complimentary and I just felt sick to my stomach and disgusted by her. And resentful. Until adolescence I mostly played along though.
hi, @@Arifumii, you kindly asked for help and i literally can't scroll down. i feel really sorry for you and also, i can relate to that - when i was your age i hated my phone and constantly wanted to smash it against the wall or throw it out the taxi window or drop it down the lift shaft. now i know it's called intrusive thoughts. i'm 26 now and i still get these kind of messages even though i'm yeeeears into the separation process and we live separately for about 10 years already. consider yourself lucky to live in the era of internet and find out about psychology at such a young age. just let yourself be YOU inside YOUR head. anytime soon the day will come when you realize you are not an extension of your parent and you are not responsible for their feelings. it may and will hurt as HELL, so find some kind of activity which helps you not to go mad. dancing, writing, reading, diary, films, photography, poetry etc.- literally anything to keep you going. through this activity you may as well connect to your real self, not the one imposed on you by all sorts of abusive behaviour. and remember - when you fail to pick up the phone, it means you actually have your OWN life. it is so critically important to have you own life. it's great to have it! your friends don't yell at you when you don't pick up the phone, right? (i hope so)
Since I was not in therapy, I realized it with 33....a few years after my parents divorce
But I confront my shame, I let it be there and I try to self parent the little ashamed child in me... That works
Maybe you should do one on what a healthy wholesome, husband wife parent child, relationship should look like...
Yeah that would be a great idea. Showing what things should be like.
In the meantime there's a channel called Patrick Teahan LICSW that has videos showing different scenarios that may happen in narcissistic families and then it shows how that same scenario would play out in a healthy family. It is educational.
I'f also love to hear about that, if that even exists at all 😪
I'd love to hear about that, too. As well as a video about what a healthy romantic dating relationship should look like. I feel like I've seen so many bad things in my life that I wouldn't know what a healthy relationship would look like.
@@HaleyMary Dr.Ramani has a video on healthy relationship vs narcissistic relationship. search for it.
@@annachan8151 Thanks!
my mother was the control freak who would have emotional outbursts whenever her control was met with the slightest resistance. She also was the one who would invalidate your feelings and chastise you if you didn’t validate her feelings. Oh and if I had beef with her, and I tell her that her behavior has upset me , she’d tell me that I was the the one who was insane and doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Being raised by a malignant narcissistic mother has yes indeed given me symptoms of PTSD as an adult and it has seriously damaged me. May all of those who went through the same begin to heal. ❤️
Yup !,, that’s my mother to a T !!!
B.J. Y. 💪🏽💐 to you too
😔
My mom was the same way. You'd think for being grandiose she wouldn't have put me in the driver's seat as the parent, but she (as Grands do) had a covert side that was quick to go "Why me?!" when things didn't go her way. Understanding more than she did (that she caused her own problems) I felt I had to coddle her into trying to accept her own part in things, but she never has & never will.
It's a blessing to let go a responsibly that was never mine to begin with. 🕊️
Mine is still exactly like that! Only adding that she always is the victim! Right now im going through her giving me the silent treatment because she was caught in a lie and refuses to acknowledge it or apologize. Somehow she is the victim
Almost 70 next year… Still dealing with an 86 year old narcissist hypochondria dementia mother.
Until I found the counselor I have now, no other counselor had a handle on narcissism and always tried to change me never understanding the pain and conditioning I grew up with.
This is one of the best reasons to read the comments. Thank you. To anyone reading this who is in the process of choosing a therapist: be careful not to wind up somewhere will they reinforce the abusers world view. Find someone who gets NPD and in particular COVET NPD. Vet them before you go to the first apt. and also be up front about why you are there. Don't waste time and money and further sanity on someone who does not get this....
I relate. I hope you are doing well. Its a very lonely experience living through such things. @sarafolkins8231
I grew up with a self-righteous narcissist father and a covert narcissist mother. The amount of physical, emotional and mental abuse that they inflicted on me was unreal. Thank you for this video.
Me too my mom is covert and my dad is just a selfish blubbering idiot that thinks he’s gods child so that’s how he rationalizes acting the way he does. The things I’ve been through I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Do you also still find it hard to consider your Mom an adult?
@@mirjambotman5652 my mother is a covert narc. She was never a parent but still resembles a competing child wielding power over her actual helpless children. It was like living in hell.
@@livelystones7773 I realised last month, I was really lucky having nice neighbours and that I could play with the girl next door a lot
My Mother is a Covert Narcissist. I always felt guilty for wanting to live my own life and resentment for not being able to. I was taking care of my younger siblings at 8 until 23 when I moved out and went no contact with my Mother. I'm still working through my issues, my childhood was a warzone.
We should have an annual "narcissism day" where we expose their tricks and how they work and also to enlighten the public about narcissism. My suggestion is 1st of April, because they're all jokes! =D
😂 Cruel jokes
LMAO i second this motion
World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day, June 1st
Good idea maybe it'll serve some sort of trauma to where they SEE THE WRONG doing
😂 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😂😂😂😂
My mother endured war as a child and was also raised by a narcissistic father. She ended up being a neglectful narcissist as a parent. I was raised on conditional love, shame, guilt, and not-enoughness. All narcs have backstories . . . I had a shit childhood but I raised my children with unconditional love, warmth, and lots of affection. I’m in my fifties now and have gone “low contact” with them and their false narratives. It’s been so freeing! Gonna let “golden child” brother take care of them in their old age. I’ve paid my dues via mental and emotional issues my entire life.
Just make sure your brother doesn't try to suck you back into the vortex. He may get exhausted trying to deal with them by himself and shift the blame to you for not helping out more. But you are not obligated to take care of your parents given what they did to you, and neither is he, but that's for him to decide for himself.
I relate to you. Remain on alert, there is no telling what they will do next, as you well know. Unfortunately..... 😬
Yay fuck them they can’t control you anymore!! They can’t paint you as the bad guy so now they have to target someone else ☺️
💕💕💕🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I really feel sad reading this. Triggers
I'm a daughter of a self righteous narcissistic mother and a neglectful narcissistic farther. Surviving their parenting is what my brother and I are proud of. Thank you for the video!
In a family I knew, the mom couldn't stand it when others were having fun. I witnessed the dad and the young son laughing and being silly together. The mom suddenly looked like she'd received a death sentence and sat teary eyed. Everybody stopped their family fun and asked her, what was wrong. She sobbed: "Oh I miss my grandmother so much. She was like my true mom." It was truly a weird moment.
That's my mom. If she couldn't turn the focus back to her like this, she'd full on rage for days. She'd scream, threatened suicide, throw things, beat us. It was shit.
yes, my mother did this too, she would get furious if she saw any of her children being too happy with my father. Or if I was laughing too much at anything, she would tell me that I look dumb 🤦♀️ so I learned to never be very happy around her, she was always a constant threat. I realized this at the age of 32.
@@EugeniaPortobello
Omg yes my Mum would alwys do this to me…when I was having a laugh with my Son…she told me I was stupid bcs I laugh.
My mother could ruin any situation by suddenly throwing herself a pity party. She didn't get angry. Always embarrassing or humiliating us.
This is true.
I've started putting my parents' behaviours into a little document that only I, a friend and a teacher have access to. If they are going to try and gaslight me again, I'll just need to refer back to my document. If I remember something, I write it down - I try to do it immediately because once I forget it, I'd forget it forever.
I started doing the same thing with messages to select friends.
Did the same documentation of a narc "supervisor" to make a record of the abuse relating to a particular issue about my work product and her continuous interference and poor judgment in my area of expertise. The documentation started more than a year into the abuse, and after discussing with the director of HR, i mentioned it. Just before sending it to the HR director, i filled it in with many things that had happened prior to that issue, and since that point. It read like a diary of continuous undermining, abuse, lying, gaslighting and subversion, passive aggressive behavior, and at that point I didn't even know about narcissism (NPD) as a disorder , or as much as i do now about narcissism (thanks to Dr R.). It has been enlightening to listen to these videos and have the "bells" rung over and over again about the behavior. Wish i had understood this earlier in my life.
interesting, I might start doing that
Yes but I would not rely on them believing you. It is for you. It let's you remember reality!
Same I have video evidence going back to 2014.
My mom constantly reminded me of my faults to help me be a better person. She'd pick apart my physical appearance, how I walked, how I spoke, what expression showed on my face. Self improvement thru humiliation.
I can relate. Really does a number on confidence.
It’s horrible. Your comment is exactly my mother too. To this day I can barely stand to look in the mirror and still get surprised when I receive a good grade in school.
OMG SAME What kind of narcissism is that ? Grandiose ?
My mother (and the nuns at my Roman Catholic school) used to criticise the way I walked too! I was even sent to pray in the chapel during the school breaks, kneeling on the cold floor, to ask God to forgive me for walking in a non feminine manner! Big strides...
Ahahahahhahaha my mom. She always says she wants the best. But she called me crazy every day , and criticised even my breathing. All because she wants best for me….😂
When I told my mom about every counselor I'd seen suggesting I write a book about the trauma I've endured in my life. She looked at me and laughed a little and said, "Do you really think anybody will believe you, that we are bad people?" The entire lifetime of smear campaign against us scapegoats is because they are afraid someday we will tell our story. By putting into everyone's heads that we are crazy, trouble makers etc for years, If they see it or not, will believe these "upstanding citizens" ,😳🙄🤬. It's complete insanity!!!! But not on our part!
please write the book ❤
@@EugeniaPortobello honestly I have no idea where to start. I have no writing skills. I recently lost my suggestions on my keyboard and realized I've forgotten how to spell lol. ANY suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated!!! We NEED something to break that "mental health/illness is vuuudoo to discuss barrier!!!!
I have started writing …but the trouble is I don’t know if I want my Adult Children to know everything I was put through bcs of their Grandparent’s bcs they have been good Grandparents to my Children. 🤷♀️
@@sykosally2323
I’ve started writing as if I’m writing a letter to them kind of…I find it easier and more therapeutic to write by hand not type in a screen that’s just hard work lol.
I would be surprised if your children spent any serious amount of time with them and they didn't know something was off. Esp if they were raised in a safe, stable home. When narcs get older they get sloppier and the mask drops more quickly. Also your children are adults they should be able to handle learning this about their family....@@caroleyre9144
Growing up like this haunts you forever.
I still remember the day when I was in 5, I was so proud to show my Nfather the cards I drew for him; it’s trees, flowers, mountains, solar system, some poorly drawn safari animals (because my Nfather loves NatGeo so much). Anyway, the moment I showed him these, he was so cold like meh okay give those to your mom. My NMom said I could draw better since the lines and coloring were out of place. Ma’am, Sir, I am FIVE YEARS OLD. The next day, I saw these drawings in the trash. I felt so sad that I cried.
Fast forward to seeing some shows with normal parents who display their child’s artwork on their fridge. No matter how bad it looks, the true love and appreciation is there. I know they’re just acting but damn, I always wonder how nice it feels to have a very loving, supportive parents. The damage they did to me is so hard to fix but I’m getting there.
🤟🏻👊🏻
I'm not sure you're ever fully fixed. I'm 57 I've had councillors therapists and they certainly help but I've been left with such bitterness that is not in my nature and I don't like it and battle it daily. I'm hoping when my parents die I will have some relief. I moved country to get away from 5heir constant negative/destructive attitudes toward me. I get triggered still with a phone call and get put back weeks in my recovery. I really should go total no contact but they are in their 80's and fel guilty and duty towards them, they don't deserve my loyalty, but they did a good job on me
It sounds like you may still be young and that is ok if you’re not but if you are a young adult just know that you don’t have to let your parents dysfunction affect you the rest of your life . You’ll never become them if you’re here , watching these videos and understand that they were/ are wrong , not you . You will grow stronger and develop all your boundaries and know exactly how not to be an unhealthy parent to your kids . You will be ok . You’ll always remember your childhood but that doesn’t mean you have to let it define you. You get to define you , you are the only one who gets to determine your self worth . I’m so sorry both of your parents were so cold and uncaring to you . The important thing is that you see that it’s then that are sick and broken and you can see the difference between what’s right and wrong . I can’t imagine how hard that must be to have both parents be narcissists . My mom was a narcissist and my dad is just a dismissive avoidant man but not a narc . You will be more than ok . You are getting the help and understanding for yourself . Your comment really touched me and made me feel compelled to tell you all of this . You will be more than ok . Keep moving forward and just love certain people from a distance . 💜😊
❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Susel That is so messed up! I'm really sorry you had to deal with that! Good job with the no contact 👍👍👍 and very good luck!
Shouldn't there be a parent test that should be taken before one becomes a parent? Don't people realise by now how freaking important this job is? You're shaping the future. It's the most important job. And yet so many parents fuck it up so badly. I vote for a parent test worldwide!
I agree with you, but I think it would raise some very uncomfortable topics. Imagine the repercussions of such a system? How would you go about implementing it? How does one test a human for narcissism? In fact I can almost see the plotline for some dystopian novel.
It's a good idea on the surface, but what about those with learning disabilities who might be discriminated against on the perception from others about what they are perceived as what they can and can't do? I'm afraid a test for parenting would do more harm than good.
That's Eugenics
While it sounds good on the surface, remember that government often attracts selfish, narcissistic people. Do you really want such people in charge of the creation and implementation of such a test?
Don’t you think the system that determined this would be full of self-righteous narcissistic people? Don’t you think narcissistic people would outsmart these tests? Don’t you think the authoritarian ideology behind this level of control is in itself a bit narcissistic?
My mom is a combination of Covert and neglectful narcissist. She is the perpetual victim. Life is always happening to her and nothing is ever her fault. We were always a burden to her and she would say - either have kids or have nice things. Nothing was ever right either. I was in 3 or 4th grade, stayed home from school for whatever reason- cleaned the whole house for her to help her and was so proud of my hard work. I dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen- everything. She came in and picked my work apart. I remember feeling crushed. I never helped out again. She'd scream and yell about it and did the bare minimum until I was able to leave. She absolutely was never concerned with us kids. It was all about her and her men. The many men she had in and out of our lives. I look back at my childhood and I would never do it again. So glad I survived, grew up, and am learning the terms for who she was. I also never had kids. I never wanted to be like her, but I also didn't have good examples of how to be. I knew I wasn't a whole person and I shouldn't try to have kids and repeat that cycle. Thank you for your videos! They help so much
My Mother too. Yes not nice is it.
Your life story sounds exactly like mine. I also got no help or attention as a kid. I also didn’t have kids as I was terrified I would turn into her.
You described my life. It sucks that we had to live through this however it’s also validating to hear similar experiences.
@@1DaTJo same. She's a big reason why I never wanted kids. I feel bad for her even now, but there just is no helping this woman.
@@vixen9605 I relate to what you say, very much. 💖
I don't like sharing my life on internet usually but I wanted to make an exception because of this video.
I'm 35 years old and the oldest of my siblings (have a younger sister and brother).
I come from a Turkish family (we life in the Netherlands) and I also grew up with the mentality that "we should always respect our elders". 10 years ago I ran away from home because both my parents were very strict and not normal, abusive. Now I know through this video that my mother is a covert narcissist and my father is a neglectful narcissist. My younger brother stood always in high pedestool, he is/was allowed everything me and my younger sister aren't/weren't.
I'm very lucky though, I have a relationship with a lovely man since 11 years and have been living with him 9.5 years. He helps me with everything, but looking back I still have many issues left mentally (I have anger issues etc) from living with my parents. I also discovered 5 years ago that I'm autistic which doesn't help things either.
Lastly I would like to say that I have no contact with my parents because both are very toxic and never admit that they made (many) mistakes. I don't like admitting this but I actually hate them both for all the things they have done and not done. I had nothing when I left home, not even a grain of self worth. I am now working on myself but it's very difficult.
Similar upbringing here, but of Arabic descent. I'm glad you got out. I'm not autistic but I do have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).
Continue to heal, you will get there. The best thing would be to cut off your parents and leave them in your past. Build a future where your worthy of all you achieve. Know your good now and that the issues weren’t you it was them - and non of it was your fault.
I totally can relate. I come from a Mexican family that also weaponized the old school, patriarchal system of “always respect your elders” bs. My mother couldn’t do no wrong in the eyes of my extended family who just compounded the abuse with even more abuse and by enabling my mother. Even when she remarried with a white man who constantly complained that her brown children were disgusting delinquents and sexual predators (pure racism I couldn’t understand as a small child). He made “plans” to move into a nice house with her but in so many words let her know she couldn’t be a part of that unless she got rid of her children first. She became so rage full and viciously beat my brother so badly and chronically that he had no choice but to ran away at 15. Once he was gone they turned their attention to me, often traumatizing me so badly I would often black out or go temporarily blind as well as fainting or passing out from stress. When I slept I had night terrors and struggled with incontinence. Luckily her husband died of an illness a few years after they got married. It turned out I’m also Autistic and later was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. In a family where people commit suicide and drink themselves to death, I barely survived. I am in a wheelchair now and live with several chronic illnesses because my body’s nervous system was so badly damaged from trauma, stress and crushing anxiety. I don’t speak to her, I never really considered her my real mother anyway.
despite the DSM from America saying autism an aspergers are the same thing, they really are not. at all. if you had autism you would have known about it a long time ago. I cant wait for the psych community to correct this awful conflation❤
Heavenly Father Almighty Creator, Thank you Jesus for her strength and protection. Amen! Try Jesus and keep going. You’re going to win. John 3:16
Being raised by a covert narcissist quickly taught me that no amount of rescuing will ever be enough to save them. They all always feed and feed off your guilt and sorrow and then demand more and more. It took me until now, 24 years old, to realize how codependent my parent became with me and how I, subconsciously, became codependent with them. The guilt and anger are probably the two main emotions that I’ve experienced on most of my interactions with them.
Hey Angelina, I’m about to turn 30 and I’m with you. Felt like this last year I had a sort of “awakening” to the abuse while working in therapy. It feels so awful to grieve someone that is still alive, and grieve the family you thought you had. It’s so challenging to navigate and I really related to your comment. Hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You deserve it ❤️
Oh my goodness! Me too and same age. My guilt is almost gone finally she can kick rocks for all i care
Yes, it' hard not to respond to their childish mocking. My mother's short comings are so obvious: hoarding, bad liar, broken relationships with family, finances, etc. I could get joy hearing my mother stomp away like a child when calling her out, but had to realize I was arguing with a child in an adult body. There was guilt that I was raised by a single mother, but she chose that. She didn't reach out to my father or let him be a part of my life.
Hey i grew up around all of these in the same house! I see myself as a covert narcissist I see it in my actions every day. I don't wanna hurt my children, I'm 20 and quite honestly I don't wanna have kids! It seems like it runs in the family. My mother is Covert, my grandma is self righteous' grandioso' communal. My uncle is malignant, self righteous' I don't really feel like doing the rest
Combo of guilt and anger I can relate to that
A silent epidemic, as the truth was never spoken. The scapegoat gaslit for recognizing something was wrong.
That's me. My sister used me as her scapegoat until I door slammed her. When she says she misses me she is really missing her narc supply. She has nobody to trash because I cut her off. If she needed me for anything I would still help her but I would still keep my distance and not let her back in.
It's astounding. My mother has never been an intelligent woman, but she was able to control a whole family with nastiness, manipulation, and disapproval. My 2 other siblings to this day cover for and enable her.
Wow, reading the comments from different videos of Dr. Ramini made me realized two things; The first one is that I am not the only only one who has gone through this 😢 and the second one that I am not alone.
My mom was the narcissist; my dad the enabler. She'd throw a tantrum and he'd run all over himself to get her to shut up. If she said it was my fault, then I'd get a beating without question. He DID, however, tell me several times in my childhood that my mom had a mental illness. He didn't know what it was or even have a name for it.
🎯🎯🎯
You said there are five types but I only have two parents and I have seen all of these patterns my whole life.
Similar thing here. My mother seems to be a mixture of all types as I have childhood examples for nearly every pattern Dr. Ramani talks about
It's not weird. Almost everything she said applies to my parents.
Thank you to everyone who responded. It's clear that my parents also exhibit these patterns at different times. It's unfortunate that they tick so many of these boxes. But, as they say: "Knowledge is power". Dr. Ramani has empowered me more than she probably even realizes.
It's comforting to know there are other people out there who experienced things similiarly to me. It's very lonely out there when no one hears you.
My dad is primarily grandiose and malignant, but he has some of the other traits too.
Ditto!! Unfortunately lol not sure of the all encompassing term of it
I had a Malignante father. I was known as a VERY NERVOUS child.
of course you were nervous!
I was diagnosed with an ulcer at 12 years old. Now as an adult I find it strange the doctors or any other adults didnt find that strange!
You make so much sense! That’s a very scary environment! I’m so proud of you for still being here and healing and feelin!
Same here. Sometimes I look back and think about how constantly frightened I was, and it is so painful to think about.
@@dorotheemackenbach4808 Thank you Dorothee.
Listening to this, I feel like I was raised by some kind of hybrid narcissist. Elements of each type of narcissism were (and are still) apparent in my parent's behaviour, and the trauma effects of each type also resonate with me: not feeling safe in adult relationships; constantly being on high alert or in a PTSD-type state; feeling intense guilt and obligation towards the narcissist; and above all feeling exhausted.
This is off topic, but Dr. Ramani's hair and makeup (especially eye makeup) look fantastic. Not too much, not too little, and it's age appropriate and job appropriate. She looks awesome!
"When you co-parent with a covert narcissist, it usually feels like having another child." Spot. On.
Totally agree!!! To add to that. A child, that would never grow up! Never!!
Mom = communal narcissist;
Dad = malignant narcissist (divorce proceedings lasted 13 years - neither of them wanted to leave the house after the divorce judgment).
My ex-husband 1= covert narcissist (I didn't stay long);
My ex-husband 2 (I didn't stay long) = malignant narcissist - he dropped the mask after the wedding;
My current partner = none of the above and we're very happy.
There's always hope!!!
Rooting for you ❤️ even if i dont know you... Take love fellow human ❤️ you doing great 🔥🔥
@@aaronbones4290 Thank you Aaron. This goes straight to my heart.
@@Sauvageonne - wow. Maybe I, too, should have gone for a third try! Nah, just kidding. You are very very lucky. I can't even imagine ever being married for a third time, after the experience of my first two marriages. I was severely punished in both cases for leaving (meaning 'rejecting') them..... and so BOTH of them got their revenge on me for leaving them, by turning the children we had together against me.
@@protospha I understand your trauma. Take it this way: Now, you are experienced and can smell the narcissists and manipulators from miles away. If you are a good person, do you believe there are other good people out there or are you the only good person on earth?
If you believe there are good people out there in addition to you, then why deprive yourself of happiness?
Why let the past rule your present and your future when you can use the experience and expertise to avoid past situations?
My partner and I are now married and we are incredibly happy. There's always hope if you allow yourself to have a bit of faith.
Mom=covert & self-righteous; her father malignant & neglectful, mother=battered.
Father=normal but a Narc magnet, 3 in a row.
1st Step father=malignant & neglectful
2nd step-father=grandiose & communal
my ex-spouse=malignant/grandiose/self-righteous
my ex partner=neglectful
my ex-partner=neglectful
my ex-partner=neglectful
my current spouse=amazing; spouses parents=amazing; spouse's ex spouse=covert & self-righteous(ex-spouse's parents=grandiose & self-righteous).
I didn't date for 14 years, because I seem to be a magnet for narcissists, & when dating, it was everything I could do to get past the 2-6 month marker, if even past the 1st date or two, with any one person (except one for a few years), because of all the red flag warnings...I would end relationships as soon as they started showing their true colors, even if there was slight slip up or peek on their part. They had to be exceptional actors & con-artists otherwise. I found a Narc survivor so that we understand & respect one another's boundaries & don't limit personal freedoms. We are each other's support network & what makes us the most angry, is not the narc, but at ourselves & that we somehow fell prey to the Narc's con-artist/manipulative tactics--they definitely should've become actors because they kept that mask on for years before letting it slip.
Mother a neglectful one - no contact since 2012. Father a mix of covert and authoritarian - no contact since 1998. Thanks for uploading these videos, Dr. Ramani. They're really helpful.
I had two authoritarian narcissists they took all their problems out on us.
You are brave! I wish I could do it!
This is a full description of my grandmother. I used to describe her as an iron fist in a silk glove because to the outside world she was an adorable loving proud grandma but to the scapegoats in the family she was the most vile human I’ve ever had the misfortune to know let alone have as a grandmother. She was all of these types, working as volunteer at a charity, appearing to be genuine and generous. She was actually cold, calculating and sometimes pure evil, twisting the truth, turning people against you, cutting you off for weeks or years for simple things. I am pleased to say we have now not seen or spoken to her since 2019 when she tried to say a gift as not a gift and wanted it back - even threatened the police. It has been the best few years, no more condemnation, ridicule and threats. It’s taken my mom decades to get over the childhood she endured and I am pleased and proud to say she is the best mom I could ever ask for despite what she went through.
“After all I’ve been through…”
“After all I’ve done for you…”
“How could you say/do that too me?..”
Combined with word salad that plays all day long, that makes life exhausting.
I discovered the grey rock technique by myself, it’s hard to be emotionless, but it works in that it protects me from my narcissist mum using my own words and experiences against me.
I hate using grey rock as being like that is not me, it’s not my character, but it works on the narcissist if not contact is not an option.
Your opening sounds like my mother-in-law. Even though we needed the help she would hold it over us. When we didn't, everything "nice" she did for the kids she would hold over us.
Yeah I hate the word salads.
The last two years I lived with my mum I learnt this. After years of my emotions being ignored I learnt the best way to be around her was emotionless and unphased and it was so difficult I'd always then go to my room or the bathroom and cry. But crying alone I could comfort myself better than my mum ever did.
Your parent and my mother could have been identical twins!
I wish I had known about grey rock, but my mom threw existential crises and barbed trigger at us and it would have been impossible anyway.
6 months free of my nmom. i never thought i'd see the day. she kicked me out with only the clothes on my back, tried to reconcile with me the next day, and i kindly told her to please never speak to me again. threw a tantrum but i haven't heard from her since. if you're a minor or a young adult that has to live under your nparents for whatever reason like i was, i promise it gets better. my mental health has improved dramatically. i used to think of hurting myself daily and now i can't imagine hurting myself. you will be free someday. just hold on and make sure you focus on healing.
Thank you
i so wish i never called her years ago
she got my kids
……
with my narc ex
and playing the hero grand mother
omg the sacrifice your mother make for your kids
coz you so useless you knew that kind thing
she and her ex husband her partner her ex son in law were and are reason i had to fight
and i fought hard
now this is happening
and am really learning to heal on another level
I was kicked out by my mom at 20 with just 200 dollars. When she told me I could come back and I said no. Her response was I guess I never kicked you out since you won't come back. When she did that to my brother she always was always threatening to kick him out again and I didn't want that.
Thank you Dr Ramani. You have helped me fully understand my complexed Narc Mother. She was a different Narc depending on who, circumstances, and what stage in her life. I was first born and female. She loved men and didn't want female competition. My brother was the golden child. I was mentally abused and punished, even made to feel from a small child that becuz of my "inadequates" may be given away or put in a mental institution. I was punished for fabricated actions and neglected except in public. I was sent away to boarding school, and married at 18. She continued to make grandiose gestures for my wedding to put herself in the limelight. Now in adult life she, tried to take my children away bcuz I wanted to go back to school to be a nurse. Tried to get me kicked out of the nursing program and minimized my grades and achievements (while paying for my brothers 5 degrees). Constantly undermined my parenting and tried to get my husband to divorce me. I now have found out she worked constantly to alienate my brother and daughters against me, and used family reunions to tell both sides of my extended family that I abused and neglected my girls, and that I am mentally ill and won't take my med, none of which are true. Fortunately 10 yrs ago, with counseling, finally was shown what my mother is, a Narcissist! It was suddenly all clear and I could cope, the gift of an answer! Now old, and not getting attention the old way she turned into a hypochondriac and Munchausen's going so far as unneeded surgeries, an non reversible colostomy, refused to wear a bag, and insisted my father take care of it til his grave. She is now dead, "!!". Only one feeling sad was my daughter 1000 miles away. I was left with all her mess, expenses etc. I can't even bring myself to pick up her ashes from 1.5 yrs ago. I have come to grips with what she was and what she did. I finally now have a good relationship with my brother and daughter but I still don't dare say anything against grandma, unless it's nice. My father's side of the family is wonderful now that had figured her out (she hated them too). Her side has no contact with me, their choice. There are still people in the community that don't take the time to know how I really am. I can only imagine what they were told. At times I still feel her reaching outside the grave, but then I appreciate my dear friends and husband who really know me and I cherish them. It is hard to repair yourself from the damage and the sabitoged relationships but I feel the healing but I do realize that knee jerk reaction in situations from her mental abuse that are life long. It has given me hypersensitive ability to realize a Narc and when manipulation is being used on me or someone else. I still get tears in my eyes when you discribe the treatment of a malignant Narcissist Mother to her child feeling that pain again, but then I shake it off and remind myself I am a strong survivor!!
Thank you for listening, the untold could fill a book!
@@pamross1797 you really are a strong survivor!! This woman gave birth to you, but she wasn't a "mother" at all. I'm sorry you had to live through this. Please don't let her continue to torture you from the grave!
You hit the nail on the head. My mother is 96 and probably thinks she will live forever. She made my childhood a living nightmare. For example, we moved 13 times in my 12 years of schooling. She never was there for me. Now, she never misses an opportunity to put me down or to make me feel less than. I have done a ton of counseling and, at 65, I still am not “right.” My 2nd and 3rd marriages were to narcissists. Both ended in divorce. I am now coming to accept that I may need to stay by myself the rest of my life. I know, however, that I love my children and have done almost everything in life to make their lives better - even if they don’t understand it. Thank you for all this information.
My mother was a combination of different types. Malignant, covert and selfrighteous have all traits that ring very familiar to me. Me and my little brother were constanly on egg shells, belittled and threatened with horrible things she could do. That built up different emotions in us - confusion and sadness turned into hate and contempt. And it only felt even more enraging and hopeless when other people (neighbors and such) saw her as this good (communal) mother who cared for everyone. She was a social worker - I think to this day that how could she have been this caring and emphatic person (what a social worker, in my mind, should be) to outside world and at the same time be this horrific person at home who you could never get support or even advice from. It was the opposite. I learned from quite a young age that I can not go to her with any of my troubles or fortunes. Everything I said would be held against me. If not right away then in the near future. And all that terror hovered over me even in my twenties and unfortunately I could not even tell how it all affected me for so long.
Now I am 35. No contact with her for several years. Worked on myself in therapy and doing better. I have a wife and a son and I am leading a happy, open hearted life. I try not to bring my childhood trauma to our life and so far it has worked. My wife knows of all of this and supports me when I need it in my bad days, but I am not going to carry this over to my son. He will not have to deal with my trauma. If I can manage that, then I have done well.
omg I seriously need therapy.... I have decades worth of baggage/pain/guilt/anger that I still carry from my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I just want to move on.
Go to therapy and tell the therapist exactly how your mother made you feel.
It will set you free.
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Then go to the parent and CONFRONT!!!!!!!
Like I did.
Yes. Same here. Now I feel I project it all onto my son with oppositional defiance disorder :-(
There were multiple times I witnessed a birthgiver being incredibly compassionate and caring with other kids. After a while, I just thought, "Well, at least they can be a good parent to someone else." Took me years to realize, that is a thought that should NEVER enter a child's head.
All this social justice cult stuff with its newspeak and pseudoscience is full of Narcissists and worse cluster-B disorders, trying to justify and excuse all that behaviour.
I know this is a bit beside the topic, but since I'm trans with the actual medical condition and this narcissistic cult comes up with all this authoritarian fanfiction and other nonsense they enforce on everyone, might as well say it: This weird language like "birthgivers" and singular "they" is twisted, warped and insulting. If just to not say "mother" because socially these people clearly aren't, alright, but biologically they still are. No harm meant towards you; it's these mad and vile types that come up with these orwellian words and enforce them, "teach" them to children now to normalize it into society (that's not an organic (healthy) development of language, that is engineered (unhealthy)), and truly good-hearted, well-meaning, empathetic people too often fall for it because they want others to feel good and safe - especially when they themselves had it bad. That's the whole dynamic. It's a mean trick.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I've seen the signs so often and lost really good people to this cult, at which there is always some type of narcissist, borderliner or outright anti-social machiavellian type at the center pulling the strings. It's never about the actual people they pretend to speak for, it's to justify their manipulative behaviour, their Münchhausen-Syndrome, their lies. They come up with these new words (that "we" reject) because that way they can control you through shame, and put scissors in your head.
If you're in that type of narcissistic cult, my advice is to get out. If you care about people with issues, want to help them, there are other ways then listening to those who only pretend to and make up nonsense that has nothing to do with the demographics (not communities!) they pretend to speak for. Like this pronoun-nonsense. That's the weirdest virtue-signaling I've ever seen after those very same people put lists of their mental disorders in their social-media bios, lists so long that if they were true, these people would be unable to function so much they'd have to be institutionalized forever. It's a dick-size contest of virtue-signaling. Like in Eastern Europe there once was a fad to wear your Christian Cross super openly, and then everyone tried to up each other with having the bigger, gaudier, more expensive, bling bling cross - does that sound like it has anything to do with the message of Christ? Or is that the most phony nonsense going against the very idea? It's the same game.
Now they are claiming that sexual orientation and what genitals get you hot have nothing to do with each other and if you don't agree and don't want to get close with the genital of the biological sex you're not attracted to that makes you homophobic or transphobic. They're essentially trying to justify rape now - after a decade of complaining about rape-culture. Honestly doesn't surprise me, since these people are so repulsive they run out of victims of their abuse to have sex with, so now they try to guilt-trip an entire civilization.
Sorry, that went into some hot venting...
Just be careful. This ideology, its ideas, are not what it pretends to be. It's just an advertisement poster with authoritarian mold behind it. None of their beliefs are founded in real science, although they of course claim that to be the case (they're gaslighters after all, so they also claim the real science is wrong - they're essentially flat-earthers, especially when it comes to biology and the sciences in general). And why don't you hear many voices speaking out against their bs, like mine? Because they instantly dogpile on us and shut us down, hold our mouths shut, shame us, harass us in real life, slander us, destroy our social groups, maybe our jobs - and at the same time they say that "cancel culture doesn't exist". They've done this very thing with their political opponents for a hundred years and more, it's a standard strategy, long before this new term came along. If you don't agree with the cult, the cult will punish you, if you want to leave the cult, you leave a narcissistic injury in the cult itself, and they will punish you worse - that's why it's so hard to leave for so many. Like Scientology or the Jehova's Witnesses.
Take care
@@deedlessdeity218 That isn't a bit beside the topic. That is a LOT beside the topic. I'm going to have to ask you to not make my personal situation all about you, or to use as your own soapbox. Thanks.
@@deedlessdeity218 imagine getting mad at someone for not wanting to give their abuser a title they feel uncomfortable w/..
That thought still runs through my mind and Im 25yo.
Being performatively compassionate and caring toward other children in front of your own child, who you neglect and abuse, is classic triangulation. I'm so sorry, it must have been awful for you.
My narcissist ex did something similar to her own now-adult daughter. In the months after the daughter bravely left home and went no-contact as a teenager, the narc mother made a point of posting as many photos as she possibly could on social media of her happily playing with the children of her friends and other relatives, including giving them elaborate gifts on their birthdays and having sleepovers. She even changed her FB and IG profile pictures to one of her warmly embracing two of her smiling nieces (her expression in the photo was chilling though, her mouth was a broad smile but she was staring at the camera with that classic shark-like, dead-eyed look of the narcissist). It was obvious what she was doing and it was simply repellent.
The best revenge you can possibly get is to enjoy your life and, if it's what you want, build a family of your own who you treat exactly how a loving parent and partner should. Give yourself and your true loved ones all that the birthgiver never had.
I had a self-righteous narcissist mom. She was overally strict and is still obsessed with saving money. Shame and fear of judgment has alway followed me
My favorite from my mother was " if it wasn't for you kids" . She always made us feel like we were her biggest burden. Back in the early 80's I'm not sure they used the term narcissist often. But her mental evaluation she had to do when we were put in foster care said she lived in her own reality. Refused to take accountability for anything. Everything was someone else fault. A long the lines of neglectful narcissist. She spent her life in her bedroom ignoring us children. I took over taking care of my younger siblings. She even had her coffee pot in her room and the only heater in the house. I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure she was a narcissist. We just accepted her and learned to raise ourse. I knew it was pointless to ever say anything to her about what she should be doing. Didn't want the manipulation or excuses. At those rare times she cooked, she would make her own plate and go back to her room. Leaving me to take what was left and split it between my 3 younger siblings. I'd eat last and usually not much. We never got hugs or told we were loved. Even now she acts distant when we hug her. She pats us in the back and quickly disengages. It's uncomfortable for her. She is still this way. Only now she has demitia. So it's worse.
My mother was a malignant narcissist. She was physically & psychologically abusive starting when I was a small child. I never felt safe in my home. Neighbors thought she was SO nice, but never knew my “real” mom. She passed away in 2001 & I actually felt relieved because I knew she could never hurt me again. In current therapy trying to learn healthy coping skills.😀
NARP by Melanie Tonia Evans works to heal completely 💕I did it
Yeee! Hope Satan is having fun with the bit***
😢 so heartbreaking 💔
My parents used to always say I had no right to complain about anything, that I had 'no stress', that I should be grateful that I ate today and wasn't regularly physically abused. They would say to me that I was crazy and that they were 'sorry I feel the way I do' whenever I would criticise them. They would say that I need to seek help and threatened to have me institutionalised as a minor as well as give me up for adoption.
@Aura Darkskipper Yeah they threatened me with that multiple times. I remember thinking at the time it was a bit mean but looking back on it that was straight up abuse.
My parents threw the same BS at me too....
Check, check, check. Me too, all the way down the list. I'm sorry it was like this for you, too. I'm glad people are finally starting to talk about it.
My parents called the cops on me for my break downs. I’m autistic and the shame I still feel fuels a ton of ruminating thoughts I have.
OMG, same here! I wonder if they have a workbook manual because seems they come up with the same stuff, can't be natural out of nowhere saying the same things. I found out I was adopted after they passed, but really they purchased me on the black market (via private Dr.), I found some of my 2nd cousins on DNA sites and we are so alike. I thought the BIO aspect was the problem in between us but now I see it was narcissism that was!
I married a man like my mum, and as I met her needs I met his needs and my needs were ignored or on the back burner. I always think it was my fault 'cos no one can treat you in a certain way unless you let them. As kids, we are at the mercy of our caregivers, but then your way of becoming a part of who you are that you carry into adulthood. I am only now realising this in myself and changing things. But it only took me all my adult life to learn that.
Please don't be to hard on yourself.
You forget you got brainwashed from the start.
If you were for exemple born on an small isolatet island, and the people on this island are canibals, you would also think eating other people is a normal thing.
Then one day foreign people visit your island and tell you "sorry thats not normal, you don't eat other people".
It's an extreme exemple.
But it's exactly whats happening to us as childs: we learn from the people around us and adapt in our invironment.
I'm German and we are a state of bread and potato eaters. Thats normal for us.
This was food we found all around us.
Were in China or India it was the rice plant which was comon and it's still to this day.
I like rice. But I as a outgrown german potato couldnt ever emagine to eat it on a daily basis or even 3 times a day.
Same as you grow up with a specific religion. They have rules and rituals and you learn them. And to stay in this circle, you accept them and you pass them along to the next generation.
Even if some of those rules and rituals are long outgrown and (sorry not sorry) bullshit in itself.
If you look back in history, being gay was a sin, considered "not normal" and forbidden.
Now we have gay mirrage, parades, even flags. But it was a long way, and lots of people got shamed and felt ashamed.
And just so you fully understand it girl: you are the gay one here.
And I mean gay as in colorful.
And between all this gray people you'd grow up you couldn't know that your color was something to be wordshipped.
So don't beat yourself up for it.
@ana gonzalez sorry what? I don't think that Message was meant for me, was it?
And by the way, they way you say it is not right.
Yes. She's doing something about it.
But what about the people who treated her this way in the first place? Again.
She isn't at fault here, but the people who did this to her and let her belive their treatment ist right and that she's the problem. If someone would have cared about her and taken responsiblity about this girl, this would not have gone this far in the first place.
So who's really at fault. And who should really change?
Cause I don't think a nice caring Person, is wrong beeing nice and caring, but those who take that for granted and missuse and abuse them and blame them for it.
@ana gonzalez also. I don't want or plan to give up. But I'm sick and tired.
And it's another sick and tired like you have.
And this is something you guys have to understand.
You all say I need to take care of me, that my health comes first and I don't have to do anything to proof my worth, but you basically force me because you want to see something yourself have no courage and will to do.
And a sick person like me, who needs rest and care, is not there for doing the bidding of you healty and capable but corwardly and lazy folks.
I don't want and need to write a speech to please anyone and especially people like you.
If you want someone to represents and fight for your opinions/interests, you have to courage them, support them, be there for them, and stand behind them. Not draining them of all their energy and making them more and more sick.
THAT'S YOUR WORK.
NOT MINE (at least not to this extend).
And I don't think thats to much of me to ask for.
And making me constantly angry, sad or anxious IS draining.
I only get more sick and more exhausted by the time, not better. I don't see the benefits of this bullshit you all try to sell as help and good intentions.
If you want good things to happen, do good things.
Not only for yourself, but also for the people around you.
And if you want change, be the change.
As in If you are healthy and know whats the right thing to do, help the people who are ill or can't help themselfs.
And help them in the same way, you would like it for yourself. Thats YOUR responsiblity, If you want change and things to get better. Not that of a sick person.
A sick person can only do so much for themselves.
This isn't a fairytail or movie you can just replay to get the ending you want to see. People are different. And it's a life your playing with. And sometimes to much pressure can break things instead of making them stronger.
And people are already diamonds. They don't need pressure. They only need someone who sees them for what they truly are, a bit polish and an environment where they can shine.
@@jasminschmalzl9734 She said something supportive. Your history of pain may make it sound manipulative but please don't attack people here who are not attacking you❤
I'm finally facing reality that my mom is a narcissist. And I will no longer let her treat me so bad. For decades she have done me wrong. But nomore!!! 🚫
I was severely abused by my narc mother growing up. I’ve been no contact since my mid 20s (I’m now 41), but even now she takes credit for my achievements. Her theory being that I’m doing so well in life now because she did such a great job as a mother when raising me. It makes me sick.
My mother was the same way. To others she'd praise my accomplishments and take credit, to my face she always had to tell me how I could be better and hammer me with how I wouldn't be here without her.
Sorry that happened to you : ( It's very real and another pattern these assholes do.
I know someone with a malignant narcmom who takes credit for her achievements. She's been no contact for 6 years. She recently earned her veterinary tech degree on her own completely self-supported without assistance from anyone, then found out narcmom gossiped to family & others this "wouldn't have been possible without narcmom's love and encouragement." along with telling people how much narcmom contributed to this success. Which couldn't be further from the truth. In reality narcmom did nothing..never showed any support or concern whatsoever. Total barf!
She was telling me about it, how nobody would believe her since her narcmom puts on such an award winning performance what a wonderful parent she is. Even worse people are deceived to believe it.
It was much worse when I was younger still severely abused by my family though 😒 one time when I was in 4th grade my dad whipped me so hard I couldn’t breath and I barfed a little he did that everyday…of course when I was younger until I got older 😣 in 10th grade he slammed me against the wall and kicked me on the legs…I don’t know how to leave them and delete their contact won’t they track me down at some point I’ve even seen it happen in movies it looks so scary 😰
A bunch of people think my parents are really nice thoughtful people including my Aunts and Uncles 😪 they don’t know how they really are and they always say, “I see your mother in yeah 😄” “you’re just like your mother hahah”
Me: oh…really? 😁
My self conscience: BUT IM NICER!
@@angelacavon4073 Understood, as my was abusive, doing things like chipping my teeth for telling him where I wanted to attend college...
I have little to do with him or his family, which improved my life significantly, but it was a difficult journey...
My mom does the same shit. I’m who I am in spite of her, but because of her. These abusers make me so sick.
My mother is a covert malignant narc as well as my father. It wasn’t a childhood it was a nightmare. I literally had ptsd well into my 30s. It is a wonder what a difference just a few years of no contact can make: everyone toxic has been unregretingly kicked out of my life, I am happy I am optimistic and I am confident. Wishing all my fellow sufferers of such parents many happy years and a life rid of toxicity!
this gives me hope! I'm one month in and it feels like hell 😅
best thing you ever did... and getting these people out of your life has to be 1000%.. no letters or phone calls.. no texts... everything must be cut off entirely. Siblings must be warned that if they bring up or talk about anything to do with this parent will also be dropped like a hot potato. Thats what I had to do.. and the oldrest brother, the only one out of 5 children that talks to her, is her #1 flying monkey and enforcer when we were young. He brough up my mother once to me and told me how she's suffering and end up in the hospital with a breakdown (yet again) and I said "I told you, I told you to never tell me anything about her and I told you if you did Id stop talking to you" and thats exactly what I did.
I wish i could have you over for tea.
Yup, my dad presents as covert/communal, but at home was malignant / neglectful / self-righteous. He Mind-Controlled mom so much she started taking on his traits after a few yrs. She never protected us from him, made excuses, gaslighted... I wasnt able to say the word abuse out loud & KNOW the truth until 6 months ago. The 1st time was hard, not questioning, not feeling guilty & shame, NOT FEELING SCARED... & I was ALONE! Gaw, that sounds insane now. I'm 53 & de-programming every day. There are still days when I feel weak & falter & question my sanity... as I've lost everything & am in hiding. It's a struggle & lonely & I don't have any clear path forward. I don't know what's going to be best for me when it comes to all the overwhelming feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, & disbelief at how they could have done what they did. Im so lost, but I'm also SO GRATEFUL to finally understand all the incongruencies, sabotage, constant punishment, homicidal rage.... it goes on & on. What a mess they made.
@@RebelUrNarcMy friend, they made a mess of *their* lives. *You are not a “mess.”* Look at you-you now know at least intellectually it’s not you, it was never about you and it never WILL be about you. It will get better when you dump their crap along with them-they have the same right to be idiots as we have to walk away to protect ourselves. *You matter.* You survived and have mad, crazy great skills that you don’t recognize-yet. But you will! Take care.
Mother was a malignant maniac narcissist. Horrible in every way. Still is, she just “hides” it better. It’s been 2 weeks that I’ve begun living my life with her not in it. It is such a relief. It’s not realistic to never see her again because my sister has a relationship with her and I love my sister so I will be at her children’s weddings, graduations, etc. but as far as choosing to see my mom or have her in my life at all-it’s so freeing to choose no. She is absolutely insane with her narcissism. Everyone was able to see her insane lying at a family affair a couple of weeks ago. It was so freeing that everyone saw it at the same time. I’m 51. It took 51 years to free myself of this woman physically. I’m still in therapy and will be forever probably. But I’m able to be a functioning part of my family that gives and not just takes. I’m able to be a mom to my kids that LOVES them no matter what. Always. Forever. Period. I’m the other extreme-an empath. That’s tough in its own way. It’s very difficult to survive in this world as an empath. It has its horrible pain. But I will say that kids of empaths are loved, loved, loved. And so appreciated and celebrated. I’m so grateful for my kids!! Keep up the good fight for your life. You’re enough. Always were. Always will be.
I stand with you 🙌🏻
My mom was covert narcissist. Just broke up at my age of 52. 🤦🏽♀️
And my three kids are awesome. All college grads independent happy and caring. 🙏
My mom is a self righteous narcissist, she made me Uber to work and back and told me I was so entitled and over the top for asking if she could give me rides to work, she would make it impossible for me to thrive even tho I was working my ass of and she could’ve helped me, but made it all seem like it was my fault and told me “I guess you’ll just have to learn the hard way”. I had to walk to the grocery store while she sat at home and watched TV and she thought that experience was good for me. So grateful I was able to get out of that situation with my dads help and that he’s actually an amazing parent
Dr. Ramini: Please do a follow up on healing from these patterns.
@Cher Witty Me too guys. My whole family both sides. I found a therapist who at least has had some experience with narcs. What are you doing?
Read The Deepest Well by Dr. Nadine Burkes Harris 💫💓 love and light
If you are still dealing with them read Dr. George Simon on how to recognize their tactics and set boundaries.
@@shaymichelledavis9027 Read Dr. George Simon’s books to recognize the tactics your parent or parents used or are using. If one or both of them are still living, it helps to learn to set boundaries and know how to enforce them. Dr. Simon and Dr. Ramani have material on that as well.
@@dahrunriver2924 thanks so much but boundaries do not work with the people that I'm dealing with. I've tried and tried and tried and the more I try the more they abuse me so, no. My very best to you.
My mom was the covert, also malignant.
Always blaming me for havinv been born.
I was very small when I told her:
"" I did not ask you to be born.""
How can such a small girl say that?
I knew my worth and I knew she was the problem.
I knew I deserved love and attention.
I am so proud of myself!!!
You had balls! I was scared of my mom for years.
My mom said she was going to run away and I told her that I didn’t as to be born. I was 12
Yes. I said this as well. I also told her to stop insulting me about who my father was because she picked him.
@Daniela SOS
Interesting that I too said to my " well, I didn't ask to be born " also. But my mother said to me in response
" Well if you had, the answer would have been NO." I couldn't believe that she said that, but in my heart and mind I knew that she wasn't joking, as she later said she was. You see, my parents were 20 & 21 when they had me, and @ 9
months I got Polio, when they took me to see my Dad's family in 1950 in the middle of the Polio epidemic in Pennsylvania. They never really talked about it, but I know my mother felt put upon by my disease and its complications- I could no longer walk- and she blamed my Dad and his family. Until the age of 13, 15 orthopedic surgeries and a crap ton of physical therapy that my mother was saddled with doing it with me, like a drill sergeant. And honestly, what kid would rather do that than go out and play,even dragging my right leg around. I knew that she resented me for this and my Dad too,because he " could escape " and go to work. This woman was the same woman who wouldn't be " a mom " to me and talk to me or help me through my godawful divorce. And the same woman who upset so badly by telling me that she never ever wanted to talk to me again. And I never did. My therapist asked me if I would regret not having tried, and eventually when she passed 2 years later, I sadly felt nothing. Nothing at the loss of a mother. Can you believe that? That is what made me sad and distressed: that I felt nothing for a mother.
Yes that is amazing! Good for you!
I never realized how many forms of Narcissism there was. I just thought a Narcissist was a Narcissist. Now, I have to really look into what type Narcissists are in my life. It's Crazzy
After a very unraveling experience 3 years ago, I now know my late mother displayed significant traits that overlap with vulnerable, neglectful and suffocatingly self-righteous narcissism. And yes, her own family was a narcissistic cluster of emotional and psychological dysfunction!
My mom is the ignoring type. When my sister and I were 4 and 5, she would put us in the yard and lock the doors so we couldn't get in. Then she would put earplugs in and take a nap. We were outside for most of the day. Never checked on us. Never brought us water. Never let us in to use the bathroom.
That is horrifying. I’m so sorry you and your sister were treated that way. You did not deserve it. Breaks my heart to hear
🥲🥲🥲🙏🏽🙏🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽❤❤❤❤
Yes, I had this too. Spent so much time alone as a child locked out of the house in an enclosed yard.
wtf, why having children the fuck ? i'm sorry to hear this.
So sorry. My mom did this to me but at an later age. “Go play outside I need to rest.”
Can you do a video about teenagers dealing with narcissistic parents. Thank you for the educational content.
As a teen I wrote in my diary. If you have a safe place to hid your journal, I recommended it. Write out the crap they are pulling and then name it...manipulation, lying, scapegoating...
Yes please, really need it
PLEASE do this. And PLEASE include the covert side. My teens are struggling.
Please do one. My kids are suffering too.
Yes please, following
I am 70 years old now. I was shot in the eye when I was 15 years old and incurred a traumatized cataract. My mom started her career late in life and rose to vice president in her company. I had to go to many dr. visits and had two surgeries. She was very detached from me and told me many times how much more money she had to spend on me than all the other kids. She would drop me off in downtown Houston for my 9 am eye doctor appointment and not pick me up until 6 or 7 pm after she got off work. The last time she left me they asked me to leave the dr. office building it was so late in the evening. I started to try to walk home to the suburbs abt a 15 mile walk. She found me walking and of course it was my fault and I was in big trouble that day. I've struggled with my self worth my entire life. I like myself now more than ever. My mom had some qualities from several of the narcissist types. I guess she mostly fit neglectful.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this! This is horrible to grow up that way and glad you like yourself and hope you can enjoy life now with all the luck and love you deserve.
Being raised by a neglectful narcissist single father destroyed my self-confidence. Ended up with body dysmorphia and severe social anxiety.
From malignant mother to, malignant husband, to almost 20yrs bliss, then covert for 13+. Now 5yrs alone and finally near recovered and strong at almost 65
Good for you💖
God bless you
You are so strong for enduring that. I wish you all the happiness in the world 🤗
My mother is a covert, communal, neglectful, and self-righteous narcissist. And my father is very codependent to my mother, catering to her every demand and always taking her side. It was like having two narcissistic parents growing up. I’m trying to do grey rocking with both of them.
Me too! Exactly the same. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I am free and healing. I used to be pretty good at grey rock, but after my father passed and seeing hatred in her eyes for me I am no contact. It's hard and s daily struggle but I am freeing me!
@@tamicook9492 I'm exactly in the same situation. My father whom I loved was always catering to my narc mother's needs. He died last year. No contact with her for 3 months now. It's difficult but I feel so much better.💪🤞🙏
Mine is covert and malignant, she comes from a family with cold horrible people, there were apparently good people (apparent normal behaviour), but there was no love, warmth or kindness in any of them. My father was the worst codependent I ever known exactly like yours, his mother was a narc.
Omg my dad really enables my narc mother too it's horrible he even beat me for it. It sucks.
@@HighPriestess-mq5hc same here :((
I'm sure my mom is a combination of these, but malignant, I'm most certain of. She has reared me to be an anxious, sensitive adult and encouraged me to make poorer decisions, opposing further educational opportunities, and interfering in my relationships with others. I have panic attacks, esp when I spill and drop things, I can hear her in my head, I ocd clean bc she did, she poisoned me and my dad, told my dad my brother and I were trying to split them up, played a guessing game about my virginity in front of male family members, gave me black bruises and asked me where they came from a week later. I have to leave all her conspiracy beliefs behind and unlearn everything she said and did to me. I try to keep full control of when and if we speak now, it can only get better the further I stay away.
I also have a malignant narcissistic mother. No contact really is the only solution.
Wow, I am the exact same! She and still is a horror in my life. Just went NC 2 months ago. My emotions are all over the place. I’m sorry for us both!
I could not get along with my mom and I moved out when I was 16. I always though my mom was just a hard ass and very controlling. I was speechless when (@ 42) I heard the description of the self righteous narc, and the description of how the child reacts was exactly me as well!
I started researching this topic trying to understand why I'm such a magnet for Narc's both in relationships and in friendship. This answers a lot of questions!
Haha same here 😂 I thought that my parents were unique in their weirdness and I was ashamed! But I’m happy that I don’t have to be ashamed reading everyones story ❤
Didn’t know my narcissistic parent till 2 years ago. I recently went no contact with him because I’m pregnant and he is so stressful. My doctor told me that that’s just how dads are when I was talking about it ( relevant to stress management in pregnancy). Lol hard to convince people of narcissistic abuse in 5 minutes I guess.
Omg those dismissive comments from people drive me INSANE!
No, that’s how YOUR doctor is. Remember if we listen closely people will tell us a lot about themselves
He sounds like a an enabler. That’s horrible I’m sorry. Dads are not like that.
@Duck Billed Platypus it was my medical doctor. My councillor has been hearing a lot more then 5 minutes of the story for sure lol
@@mimiscoo1173 yea she said that dads don’t care about your feelings and will just say you’re looking fat today. I said it was more then that but she didn’t listen until I said he called baby fat then she was taken aback and said wow your daughter is not fat . So she was starting to see maybe 🤔
My Mom was a Covert Narc who I had to "save" by helping raise my siblings, and my Dad was a Self-Righteous Narc who worked a lot. No wonder I grew up having issues with a sense of low self-esteem and always "working". To this day I have a hard time with letting myself relax or waste time, and with recognizing my worth even in not getting something done all the time.
This is me, exactly, right now.
I can't take a moment off for myself without feeling ashamed that I'm wasting my time, and I can hear my dad's saying that in these 5 mins I could have done these 28364982 things he did because he's the best at doing everything.
Oh my word. You just described my childhood and adult sense of self. It would be good to connect with you. I also have siblings that assumed these traits, it’s only bc of their neglect and my church in my teen years where I didn’t assume these traits!
Wow, are we related? My mother took away so many pleasures in my life so she could dwell in her religious fantasy world. Its a wonder that I survived. Years of therapy and getting away from the family insanity did the trick.
Exact same for me, except with the parents reversed. It’s crazy how much damage they did.
Same wow! I ended up marrying what I believe to be a psychopath. The damage that man did to my brain is beyond anything I thought was coming my way. Thankfully we got divorced, but we have a boy together and the way he comes back from Dad’s is something else. It’s heartbreaking to see but I can only do my part when he is with me and pray for him. It’s been 3 years since the divorce and I’m finally feeling better.
I’m 37 now still struggle to just relax as my mother never did allow me too. I feel for all of us who have had to endure the trauma and damage done to us at such an innocent age.
I was dragged by my narc mother and father away from my wonderful friends, home,school and relatives to live in isolation in a country area of regional Australia.
We had no phone, no hot water, no tv, no car and six of us lived in a caravan for the first year.
Dad abandoned us there and I was trapped with the narc mother, used as a child slave. I was exposed to violence as the step dad beat and strangled narc mum.
I literally worked from 6am until 9pm building roads, gardening, cleaning, cooking.
I got away at 16 and moved to the city. But the damage was done. Unfortunately I got cancer and needed help so I moved back closer to both parents at 48. Now I’m 59 and I feel beaten, wounded on a very deep level. I’m planning to get away again, but I don’t know where to go.
Narc mother has recently announced to my older brother and me that she’s leaving her 2 million dollar property to my youngest brother and we get nothing. She actually thinks big brother and I are selfish and greedy for feeling upset about this plan with the property.
I’ve been trying my hardest to be respectful and friendly with mum but I can’t anymore. I have to give up hope and walk away.
Narc parents cost me almost everything good in life.
How long has children needed to suffer from these evil parents?
I remember my father being this big angry man who only had anything to do with me when I had misbehaved. He would come home from work, sit behind his newspapers and I wasn't to go near him except to say goodnight. If I deviated from this I would have been subjected to reactional abuse. He would give me a raft of chores one after the other and follow me round and criticise everything I did. I couldn't get it right and eventually I would be like, leave me alone. My reaction was then enough to justify sending me to bed at like 6 o'clock every night for the next week. I learned to avoid him at all costs at a very early age. About 6years old. I then became labelled the problem child and have spent my entire life being the family scapegoat. I'm 49 I have just gone no contact as my father is repeating his behaviour with my children. My 9 year old being the new scape goat my 7 year old has been allocated as the golden child and my 2 boys are the withdrawn ones that get shit on when they come on the radar and he has access. The boys would both go on the missing list when he turned up.
I think we had the same father! I learned to try rock from about 7 on.
Dad can I get a dollar ?He jumps up screaming throws a beer against the wall flips the recliner over and screams you n2 a corner ...never mind I'm good .
I noticed that even at work I have to double and triple check everything I say and do, even if I know the answer. I have no confidence in myself, and don’t feel like I could ever handle a leadership position because of the doubt that was instilled in me as a child.
You are not alone. when I’ve been in leadership positions I’ve had to work very hard to keep myself focused and grounded because of the doubt.
I understand. I achieved a management position and then tried to do all the work of my team in case I disappointed my own manager by not doing everything.
Same here....
This is so profound! I too have that feeling at work, however I deal with it in a different way.
I think I can joke and bs my way out of it. That’s where I go emotionally.
It’s the same way I dealt with my Narc Dad going up.
It truly is a miracle I survived to adulthood. Have been working on unwinding my childhood my entire life. I am 63 and the deeper I work, the more I get in touch with, I have so much empathy for me as a little girl. All this is teaching me to be kinder to myself everyday. Thank you Dr. R!
I always knew I was treated differently. My sibling was heavily favored while I was scapegoated AND because she is well-known in the community, people would alway tell me "you're sooo lucky to have such a mom! She really helped me!" while there I was at home, being told I had to "stop being stupid!". Thank you Dr. Ramani for lifting a cloud I knew was there but couldn't see it ❤
I attended far too many family get togethers where family would come up and congratulate me for God knows what, only to find out later my mother was lying to them because she was too embarrassed to tell them when they asked about me that she had no idea how I was doing that she made things up. When I tried to tell them it wasn't true, they would say "But why would your mother lie?" Since there is no way of explaining that, going no contact was my only option. Never been happier and no more ulcers after holidays. I don't miss them at all.
I just cried my way through all of this. Both parents had all these styles at various times.
I’m sorry -/ NARP by Melanie Tonia Evans works to heal & transform your pain - I did it & it really helps
Me too, wish you could find the support you need~
Same for me 😕
Went down to the comments in hope i wasn't the only one to experience it... thanks for validating my impression.
God bless you
Two years ago, my narc mother said to me "I'm not interested in you". I haven't seen her since.
My brother is a neglectful narc, and I have ceased contact with him. My father passed away Feb 2018. A real case of "nobody loves me".
Mine told me she wouldn't care if I died.
Mine shared with me how her “heart would break into a million pieces if either of my siblings were to move away and lose contact” and would feel “nothing” if it were me.
@@pinkyredux4965 Might as well call her bluff :) You bet your ass she'd be offended and bothered if you went no contact. It's a tool of manipulation to control you that she said that.
Oh my! I’m so sorry...Goodbye for sure
I never could please my mother. I remember her telling me when I turned 40, “You know, I thought you would have gotten along a like farther in life at this point.” I had two beautiful children, a beautiful home, malignant narcissist for a spouse. My sister is a narcissist but, she can do no wrong in my mother’s eyes that comment still stings to this day and I’m 55 years old. I brought it up to her after once. She was definitely denied it and turned it around, like I made it up. It’s all so sad.
Both of my parents are narcissists. Thank GOD my grandma took me in or else I would have completely lost my mind by now.. now I have a son with a covert narcissist. It feels like I will never escape these vampires but I'm truly grateful for these videos, thank you Dr. Ramani for everything you do!
I can’t believe that I got stuck in something like this.
Same.
I know, right?
Same feeling here
I can't believe it took me 50 years, 2 foster families, 4 therapists, and a psychiatrist to get to no contact with my covert, neglectful mother. God bless Dr. Ramani for helping me turn the final corner. Be strong y'all. Like Dr. R. says... "Self preservation is a right."
Raises hand: raised by a communal narcissist. It sucks. It made me hate my hometown because my dad was politically active but was emotionally distant at home.
Same
@@anomalousboreoeutherian7683 I don't understand this comment, sorry.
I hate my mom's home town, I was always made to feel pretty unwelcome from her flying monkeys, cousins, older siblings... it's the place everyone loves (my opinion of it making me seem nuts), but om's mom came from England to work as a domestic at 15, to Halifax, Nova Scotia. She soon watched the Titanic's dead come ashore for burial, survived the Halifax Explosion 1917 (freak yourself out/google it, 2 munitions ships playing chicken in the harbour during WWI/then, 2 thousand dead in an instant, pregnant with her 1st at 43, her shell shocked husband hanging himself in their home, now will be a yr since Canada's largest mass shooting event took place where many of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have retired or are on sick leave due to how they badly they handled the situation, so there won't be much guilt for me nor want to attend covert mom's funeral, I hope I never go back to where everyone loves which only adds to my confusion, and last but not least covert mom's Will states I can reside at her now empty home upon her death, dream on!
There's a children's or rather "young adult" novel about a girl and her friends who have to deal with a Comminal Narcissist, called "Dinky Hocker Shoots Smack!" (Dinky is the daughter, and of course she doesn't use drugs, but her mother the communal narcissist gets her narcissistic supply from being a do-gooder, including by supporting the local drug rehab clinics. I can't recall the author's name, but the opening sentence sticks in my brain to this day, "Don't tell people we're moving to Brooklyn, tell them we're moving to Brooklyn Heights!" I picture Henry Hottinger's house overloooking the neighborhood where this Young Adult Novel all takes place, and how, on rainy, storm-tossed nights, Hottinger would take out his valuable violins, one by one, the Strad's, the Guarneri's, the Amati's, the occasional Steiner, and just....LOOK at them! While the wind and rain pounded on the windows of his study overlooking the storm tossed waters of New York Harbor....and the candlelight gleamed on the varnish of the violins laid out there on the red velvet table cloth.....
How does this fit in with being the enlightened child of a narcissistic parent? Well, in fourth grade when the fire fighter came to speak to our class and tell us to form a plan with our families in case of fire, for safety's sake, my plan was: 1) Save Mother; 2) Save Stradivarius; 3) Save Dogs. In that order. (Sorry Tuxie.) And later, as an adult, a certain french horn player and Bein and Fushi employee named Marc and I became the founding members of a new Twelve Step Program called ACOV for short: Adult Children of Violinists! (uhm,..Fiction Alert. But it SHOULD be true....about ACOV. The rest is as true as a Gospel...)
@@alindley3128 Yo, shoot me a private message because I have something to tell you that is kind of nuts (about your name).
For me....the struggle to feel safe, self worth issues, gaslighting me, second guessing, disregarding my needs and the challenge to accommodate such behaviours makes wide sense now....
Thank you
My mother was a little bit of everything I felt extreme low confidence growing up and that she never heard me and that turned into self harm. The not feeling good enough part. So much control and I rebelled to the extreme.
Same here.
A few years ago I addressed her parental neglect (like letting me stay hang out with 18 year old guys when I was 13), and her response was, “well, you were a very good con artist”. 😳
Same
@@age93mine said it was my fault and she did nothing wrong. 🫠
Another thing to keep in mind is that the scapegoat and The Golden child for a narcissistic parent will have utterly different experiences as they grow up, but will both be severely damaged by their narcissistic parent's bad parenting.
Can a parent be all of these? I recognize all of these types in my mother. She seems to have moved through them just like ppl move through stages of life. She’s always been malignant but I think she vacillates between all of them depending on her needs at the time. Nice to know how accomplished she is having mastered them all. ( sarcasm)
My mother too. She is mix.
My mother too depending on the mood of the day. I thought she might be bipolar until listening to Dr Ramani.
Same - all but Communal and i can see that might even start to play a part now that she's retired too. And actually, it probably did come out in her job as a primary school teacher - apparently she was great at her job - but completely neglected her own children. It makes you so mad... I also thought maybe she was bipolar or schizoid, til finding this channel (who else feels they were raised by Jeckyll AND Hyde?). But nope, it's 'just' NPD.
My mother is 91 years old malignant/covert narc who is completely surprised that “nobody likes her”!
She asked me if she was a good mother. I said YES, you were the best. And then she called the Police, accused me of elderly abuse, attempted murder, theft of her life savings and what not!
Thank God I had evidence to the contrary and proved her false accusations wrong.
That's a good one... you made me laugh 😄 thanx
I did not realize that my absent (dead-beat) father could actually be considered a neglectful narcissist. So it turns out I was raised by 2 narcissists, I guess. My mother was more of a covert narcissist with a generational factor, and my father neglectful. Thank you for this information! I found it to be validating and helpful.
I’m only a few minutes in but everything is just spot on. My mom somehow made parenting all about her. I just did everything for myself. Even the dating post divorce thing- when I was 14, my best friend died in an accident. I was gutted. On the day of his funeral, I was crying in my room and my mom came upstairs to tell me that she could date whoever she wanted and could have anyone she wanted in the house. We ended up fighting physically. I didn’t understand how wrong that was at 14, but now I see how unbelievably selfish she was being. I am GRIEVING. Now is not the time!!
Bless you I have one a bit similar too…I know how you feel. 💜😌
I’ll never forget the time my narc mother announced out of the blue at breakfast that she was moving out, to another state, because we didn’t appreciate her enough. As our jaws dropped open into stunned silence, just a beat later she says, see, no one even asked me to stay. Oh, I could tell stories for days…. Big thank you to Dr Ramani for helping me understand why my childhood and even adulthood has felt so stressful and not normal.
Hey Natalie. Wow.
My mom left when I was 10 and my brother was 16. I remember feeling numb while my brother and dad sobbed. I knew I was strange for this reaction but couldn’t understand why. My dad just recently told me she didn’t even show up to divorce court for custody hearing. He couldn’t believe she would walk away. She later told me multiple times she would do it again. Not one iota of remorse. Blows my mind. And at 52 only now have learned about the unhealthy relationship and how it was never my fault. Just sad for trying to get her approval my whole life.
I had an evil narcissistic father. He was ALL 5 types! Never want to see or hear his voice again. PTSD is real and damaging.
Pretty much everthing you’ve said in this video has described my dad. He is pretty much every type of narcissist you have talked about here. It is exhausting living with him. I am sick to death of being picked up on and critisized for everything I do (or don’t do). People telling me what a wonderful father I have makes my blood boil. Everything with him is me, me, me, I, I, I. Keeping up with his mood swings is impossible.
And all that is just scrapimg the top of the iceberg.
I had a victim narcissist mother and I married a man with several qualities from each category’s.. but mostly the covert narcissistic personality. It gave me diagnosed PTSD and I just love your channel. It have given me wonderful tools to communicate with him. Thank You❤
When I was a child I felt neglected, but always made excuses for them. They were over authoritarian and the only birthday party I had was my 21st which I didn’t even want but they wanted to show off to everyone else in the family. I don’t know how I didn’t even see this till much later. I was never allowed to have friends over, or go to friends da houses. They never came to see me play sport or concerts and if I wanted to go they wouldn’t even take me, they made me walk or make arrangements with others.
Very, very similar experience for me. What’s crazier is that even into my late adulthood, one of my parents still got mad and would actually act pouty and try to stop me (by using emotional blackmail) when I would want to go over to a relative’s house or friend’s house when I was visiting my parent from out of state. They have always made me feel like I was intruding on other people (outright telling me so), even when I was invited, and try to get me to say no.
The only acceptable socializing was to go to church or meet at a restaurant with family (not friends) for Sunday lunch after church.
Eventually I refused to go to either church or restaurant lunches with the large groups of people because I realized they just sucked my energy and time and did not allow me to develop the personal connections I needed.
Now I know, thanks to Dr Ramani, that I would have been better off not visiting the parent. And, I now know I was making attempts to set healthy boundaries. It was better for me, but would have been better if I had understood what I was dealing with - narcissistic abuse.
Sorry you got shitty parents. Know the feeling. Hugs 🤗 to you. Make sure you're extra kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, respect and love.
You saw it MUCH later, like the rest of US......Mobile phones and the information they supply, is EXTREMELY Helpful.......Just be GLAD that you see it NOW, and being OLDER, you CAN deal with the Hurt, a LOT BETTER, than when you were a child...... BLESS EVERYONE who has been through it, and GOOD LUCK, in getting AWAY, and having a HAPPY LIFE...."HERE'S TO US"🍷🍷🍷❗❗👍
@@tracyross5831 I appreciate your support for those of us who have been abused. I agree that information is extremely helpful and that finding others who understand is crucial. You are correct that children will always find it very difficult to understand and too protect themselves when a parent is narcissistic.
Yet, I can't feel glad that I discovered this when I am over a half century on because it means that I have experienced the abuse for that long and have been confused and in pain for that long. I know that that the hurt and pain have caused tremendous damage to me and my children - emotionally, psychologically, financially, and in many other ways. The abuse did not stop after I became an adult. In fact, it is still ongoing. The difference is that I am now learning to identify it, name it, and try to set up boundaries. But, the years of unprocessed pain and damage are still there. The years of reactions and internalizing and self-deprecation caused by the abuse are very difficult to change.
The complexity of the damage caused to my own personal trajectory has forever changed who I am and what I can accomplish and what my support system looks like - which is nearly non-existent. And, the damage done between me and my own kids was insidious. It would have been so, so, so much better to have understood this as a child or very young adult. Now I have to live with the grief and consequences of a life I never achieved and try to learn skills I was never taught or never had opportunity to learn in order to stay safe and to move forward.
After a lifetime of behaving one way, it's hard to shift gears, cut people out of my life, set strong boundaries with the ones I have to leave in my life, and develop healthier relationships with my immediate family. It's hard to try to educate myself and go back to work after a lifetime of being a rescuer who was never paid for my work and was invalidated and devalued even when educated and skilled in the areas I provided services and care. All this would have been so much easier for me at age 21 than it is now.
Nevertheless, I agree wholeheartedly that being positive and joyful and excited to move out of the confusion and pain and away from the abusers is something to celebrate! I'm grateful everyday when I get that email or call and I can decide I don't have to respond! It feels so good to know that I'm not a bad person, that I'm not responsible, that it is healthy for me to set the boundaries I have. And, it's wonderful to know I have a plan that will eventually free me of all the narcissists that have hurt me for so long. It doesn't stop the grief of years of anguish, but it gives me hope and energy to be in this moment today. 👍☺
A whole generation was raised that way in the 70s and 80s. We were latchkey kids. I think modern parents take it too far the other way by focusing only on their kids needs 24/7 and giving up all of their own friends to chauffeur their kids to every activity they could possibly desire. There must be a happy medium somewhere.
I had a parent who was some of all these types, no wonder I’m so screwed up.
William, I'm so with you!!!! My mother was all 5! It's scary and hard on the head! It's hard to make the change in yourself so that we don't pass it on with our own kids.
Oh my gosh I'm glad I'm not alone. My dad fits most of the criteria. The saga continues!
William, You are NOT screwed up......Your parent is......Break the cycle, and have a HAPPY LIFE.... Wishing YOU the BEST!!! 👍👍👍
You'll be fine.
I am getting there too.
Thank you for this. I have just realized that I have encountered all 5 types throughout my lifetime. Through my family, friends, work environments, and partners. It is taxing, and having to manoeuvre between them all has left me lost.
I've also been a pawn between two narcissistic characters, and I played right into it because of their manipulation. We live and learn.
I’ve finally decided to no longer worry about what my mother feels towards me. I’d rather take the chance on her and/or her contacts thinking badly and/or saying bad things about me rather than be guaranteed to feel badly when I interact with her. It’s confusing when she’s kind and then digs at me out of nowhere. I’ve been an adult for over thirty years and she still criticizes me and often claims she’s just joking using the same words and excuses she did when I was 8. It wasn’t okay then and it’s not okay now. It sounds like she was a combination of most of the narcissistic mother types. Any advice on how to cope and process me quitting my relationship with her is welcome.
My father was very grandiose. He did push me to an excessive degree and bragged extensively about me in public but very cruel in private. I felt very empty and nervous and suicidal growing up like that.
My mother had 2 daughters. Someone came up to her and asked "How is your daughter?" She not once asked which daughter. She immediately started to talk about my sister that on a year long trip. He told my mom " I just saw her yesterday leaving a store. My mom responded to him. I can't remember who told me but it was extremely hurtful. Why wouldn't you ask the person " which daughter? I have two"
Hi it's sad you had to go through that there videos on TH-cam about dbt and cbt and sue blackhurst has good videos on re building self esteem.
I feel your pain 🙏❤ Ive learnt over my 42 yrs they will never change cus they don't get it 🤷♂️
Ive also learnt try not let them in your head as it does hurt. All my family ignore me due to me talking out.... I lost the plot at first and that made me realise they arent worth getting upset over as they don't care anyway 🤷♂️ Blesings you know ❤
Just sending a hug
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My mother has two daughters as well. My cousin once told me that my sister was considered the center of the universe for my mother, and I was an afterthought. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 2 years.
I have a covert narcissist mother. Before we knew, my sister and I tried to have a talk with her about her selfish behavior, and she turned the conversation around on us. Oh, what a hard time it was being a single parent, and how distraught she was after the divorce. She confessed to us that about a year and a half after the divorce, when my sister and I were 7 and 3 respectively, she tried to kill herself and take us with her. DAYS later, seeking that constant validation, she asked me if I could forgive her.
My sister and I also recently heard through our aunt that our mother didn't even want children until her friends started having them, and she felt left out.
When her father died last year in 2021, her true colors came out stronger than ever. She showed bitter resentment toward her sister, and even her father, and heavily implied that she was angry with both of them because, in her eyes, daddy didn't love her enough.
Malignant\covert mother. I lived in fear every day during my childhood. It feels like the need of recovery never ends 😮💨😮💨😮💨