I was raised by parents who were both NPD...I never knew I was "allowed" to have boundaries or what they were. I think that for most of us on this site, our childhood experiences were so punitive and traumatic that we've stayed child-like in our reactions to verbal insults and criticisms. Thank you so much for validating this experience.
You are so welcome Sheila xoxox If you haven't come across this yet, this may also help validate your experience - blog.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissistic-fathers-healing-yourself-and-protecting-your-children-from-a-toxic-upbringing/ blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-heal-the-wounds-from-narcissistic-mothers/ Love and blessings to you xoxox
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. So true. I got trapped in the ‘defend myself, get the story straight, right fighting’ trap and that’s how the endless cycle started. I did some really embarrassing stuff too but I also own it. At least we can do that & keep trying to do better.
My Ex used to exit the room or leave the house whenever there was an argument. So, nothing was ever resolved. Just kept going round and round and round. You're right: Speaking up doesn't seem to help. I changed and took action by leaving permanently.
I thought that knowing and setting my boundaries was going to be complex and difficult to learn, but Mel you've explained it so simply and clearly. I now realise that I've always known my boundaries I just didn't value myself enough to walk away from people who weren't honouring them. I would feel insecure and frightened that I would loose the love that they were providing and cling on and accept their behaviour. Through Narping I am starting to love and honour myself more and starting to feel confident that with a bit more work I will be able to walk away when someone violates my boundary and doesn't care about my feelings. because I know that I will be providing all the love and respect I need to myself. Thanks for showing me how to do this. X
+Ruth B I love that you are transforming the inner you - so that you are no longer derailed by these insecurities. THAT is key!! My pleasure and you are so welcome
I love this work, I do prefer to call it a Narcissistic 'encounter' instead of 'abuse' I say it to myself when I'm listening. The term abuse is associated with a victim and there are no real victims. For me, a 'narcissistic encounter' is more in alignment with the true role they played in my life.
That's a great expression CK! I love how you 'get it'. When we heal the wounds and move out of victimhood our whole perceptions change. Thrive on Dear lady xoxox
I totally agree that in growing up I was not allowed to have ANY kind of boundaries and thus, as an adult, I was unable to confront people about ANYTHING. When I married my ex-Nar I was more than happy to allow him to 'deal with people'. We had a situation with a neighbor once, where they were allowing their dog to roam the neighborhood (not legal in the US) ... that dog was small enough to fit through the slats of our fence and would come into our back yard and onto our porch where we had our dogs. These people apparently didn't care about the 'dog law' so I had my ex-Nar approach them to explain that we do not want their dog coming onto our property where there was a possibility that injury could occur to their dog (they had a Doxie and we had a large Doberman). After my ex-Nar confronted them, nothing changed. They did not abide by our wishes. So that is one of the reasons I DO NOT like to confront people because I have learned over the 58 years I've been on this planet that people DO NOT care and they don't do the right thing and it ALWAYS turns into a bad situation. These neighbors decided to then call the Animal Control on US because our dogs 'bark' ...... this is how people deal with being confronted. They find ways to not accept responsibility for their OWN actions and turn things around on the person who confronted them. They never did keep their dog on their own property, even though that is the law in the US. Our dogs did not bark 'consistently'.....they just barked like normal dogs do from time to time. I've read the laws when dog barking is considered a nuisance and we did not fall into that category, but if we had, I would have certainly resolved that issue. I have experienced this kind of thing many, many times in my life and that is why I do not have boundaries. PEOPLE are stubborn, selfish and self-centered and I truly hate having to deal with people in any way. I was like that with the ex-Nar as well.....I allowed him to control everything and get away with his bad behavior (not that we didn't have many, many arguments.....but in the end....HE WON). I hate this about myself but I just don't think I am able to change this behavior at this late stage of my life......SIGH!
+Sharon Ann we can always change if we want to .. there is no age limit. And truly our beliefs create our reality - powerfully. If we think that about people that is how people show up in our experience. We think our realities create our beliefs, but it is actually our beliefs creating our reality. To change our life we need to change ourselves. xx
Pchycic emotional boundaries. I am in owe of Melanie's vocabulary. How 0penly, humbly rarely she speaks, attuned and evokes our soul. And correspondedly our soul is evoked and resonated.So she can never gets wrong
Very insightful and thought-provoking presentation with direct implications for living as a whole and healthy human being. I could not help but apply your concepts to societal groups as well, in particular African-Americans and the seemingly perpetual cycles of abuse that afflict my group. Even though there's a huge amount of abuse inflicted by African-Americans on other African-Americans, self-styled "leaders" insist on blaming "the others" for our collective situation. Your analysis of the foundational energies that create potential victims and that attract willful abusers can be applied to help not only individuals, but also groups who have been the willing and easy prey of narcissistic "leaders." I've believed for quite a number of decades that the key to healing resides in a transformation of self. You've given me a new set of words and concepts to use to help myself and others. Thank you.
+Robert DeShay You are most welcome I totally agree this is an awakening for all of us collectively as well as singularly .. but it does need to take place one person at a time - leading where we all need to go. Wonderful if you become a part of that xoxox
So so good!! I absolutely needed this to confirm my self and to understand that I have made a huge step in healing myself. I was in an " awkward situation" the devalued me, or attempted to devalue. The behavior from the other person was outrageously rude and hurtful. They took no responsibility at all for it. I decided not to give that person any more of my attention. It took a lot of work to make that decision, a lot of soul searching and dropping my old habit of tolerating "shitty behavior". As a result I have changed my inner boundary in an epic sense. I say this because (it was a process)! Because of what I am learning from Melanie's teachings I was able to internally LISTEN to my inner being, and trust MYSELF ! Thank you Melanie, again and again!!
Since 15 days of Narp I’m being able to go into a real relaxation I wasn’t able to get in 40 years because of stressful inner believes I had , I’m shifting them and being able to be truly relaxed and not feel guilty in my skin for the first time in my life, words cannot describe what your helaings are doing for me at 40.
Here's is a REASON why more defined lipstick could be important. I am hearing deficient. Fortunately not badly, but about 10% in each ear.. I read lips, to help me hear better, without even noticing that I am doing it. If I can't *see* your lips clearly, I can't do that. So a more clearly defined lip line, actually serves a function. I doubt that the person who criticized you had that in mind, but you might consider that regardless. People who hear worse, probably need to read lips more. Thank you for speaking clearly!
I love all you videos and this one is no exception...the problem is ....the irony that.......I do value you me and my right to be treated well but I now struggle to find any way to cope with my abuser...I no longer find kind ways to "value" my messenger of my wounds...my sociopathic ex-sister in-law who is still included in every family event due to my brother being afraid to exclude her and own his own time with his now 18 plus year old children. So technically I am perpetuating the situation by not valuing myself to rise above it all and find a way to value her and treat her how I expect to be treated....I don't need accountability, I have dropped righteousness, I have found grace and sorrow for her sad, damaged, scared, warrior self. I have tried detachment..she got worse...I tried authentic, confidence, showing up as an unfounded self...she crushes and thrashes about harder...she triangulated more, tries to win over my mum that it is me and my brother who are faulty. :-(
Wow! What a HUGE episode.I listened to it 4 times and still not sure that I've fully whot I've I fully.wholly completetetly got it.This episode is so so realistic so real so authentic. Overwhelming truth which is so true and so compelling.
Although the na relationship I was in ended in 2010 (took me six years and police involvement to get out of it) I'm finally able to to see how I allowed myself to be "conned" by the relationship. I was just too distraught to look at it then. It makes me feel so good, and sane to revisit the threads that started back in my childhood in order to learn at 50 how not to keep falling into the same trap. When you said alcoholic father my hackles went up. Unfortunately there is a lot of confusion arising from loving sick people as children. Thank you again for bringing clarity and self focus to this very important issue! You are a wonderful brave woman Melanie and I'm looking forward to the next video. I hope you will feel the wind beneath your wings as you read all of these positive comments!
+Mann Lisa You are so gorgeous - and thank you for sharing your beautiful uplifting energy with me! I wish you all the very best in your healing and the creation of your truth - you SO deserve it! xoxox
"Life is happening for us, not to us..." (EDIT a few hours later...) Melanie restates this in another video (paraphrasing) as "Life is happening thru us..." This is a thought that I will hold onto.
At 14:20 is where I realized that everything I have been going through for over 15 years and more recently is the truth about my relationship with this Woman. Thank you for this.
I am having such a confusing time. I confonted her with the fact that she is a narcissist and she admitted to some of the traits but also said that she is not a liar. I have noticed that she loves to gaslight in front of my kids to pump me up and get me started and then make me look like the bad guy. I try to pull out and ignore her and she keeps coming back. She acts like she wants to make things work out but I dont know if its sincere. Any advice please.
@@MelanieToniaEvans Finaly after all this time she comes and admits to me that we should go for couples counseling after I have been after her for a long time. Is that another one of her plots. She has been meeting new friends and going out often and I dont know if someone is messing with her head.
Hi Johnny, Here are two blogs that can help: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/should-you-tell-a-narcissist-who-they-really-are/ and blog.melanietoniaevans.com/hoovering-how-the-narcissist-tricks-you-into-breaking-no-contact/ Much love xoxox
Your talks are wonderful Melanie. I've dealt with narcissistic abuse a few times and have been wondering how to protect myself. You are helping me to learn the causes. thank you.
Very grateful for all your knowledge and understanding you convey. Being completely transparent is so important to bring it to each of our situations. Boundaries....please keep the practical examples coming. Focused on this "Above everything else guard your heart, because from it flow the springs of life". BTW you dont ever need to speak, to how wonderful you look. Thank you again, Brent
Melanie This is brilliant. I hadn't got clear before on which way to go. I knew I needed to grow up in some way but I didn't have clear at all what I actually needed to change, or what to do, or how to do it, or really even if I could do it. Now I am sure I still have a lot to learn but I feel like I have a sense of direction, like my feet are on the beginning of a path even If I do not see all the steps ahead clearly. This is a real turning point today. Thankyou so much. You are an absolutly brilliant person & brilliant expert therapist. Absolutely top quality. No question about it. Thankyou for explaining it & putting it into words so clearly & with such positive energy & making it all so relatable.
Talking about your gf having a fear of confrontation resonates with who I used to be strongly. I was raised with my mother telling me my father was non-confrontational. He may well have been but so was she. Not only that but she did not stick up for me. So, she could not teach me to stick up for myself. I was truly raised in a "victim mentality" I feel that we would never put up with these people and they are actually repelled by us when we do have healthy boundaries. Melanie: I shared your video on my Breaking Free pages today as well as Twitter. Excellent video! I am a fan of your work.
+C. Meagan Michael It was hard for me too, Meagan, to have a mother who didn't protect me, or teach me how to navigate this world. I'm glad for both of us, that we are learning how to have healthy boundaries. Best to you.
This is so helpful to me. Thank you so much for doing what you do. I am about to turn 50 years old, and have 2 failed relationships with whom I now know are Narcs. I plan on the voice inside my head being my own and not everyone else's. Just need to define those boundaries
Wow! A light bulb moment!!! When you said at 9.42 about FEAR OF CONFRONTATION it completely hit home to me. Thats exactly and precisely who I am. Dammit I am 66 years old. Time to get cracking. God this is wonderful. Now all I have to do is fix it. Yeay yeay. Thanks Mel.
I really felt your positive energy on this one...you seem to REALLY want people to get this. I don't blame you. It was wonderful, and there was so much important content I plan to review it several times. The lipstick part was so cute - watching you stand up for yourself. It punctuated what you were talking about . I thought, "You go, girl!" I am looking forward to Part II. You are helping me so much, now that am actually leaving my NPD husband of 26 years.
+Cathy Anne yes very true this one is a passionate message ... I am so so happy I can help you, thank you for your beautiful comments and I am so pleased you are getting the courage and strength to leave! xoxox
Ive said those words out loud many times through out my life. So I was right! I wasnt allowed or encouraged to make my own decisions about anything in front of my parents, into high school. So I ran away at 16. I never really understood why I wanted to run. It hurt my folks terribly. I never returned to live in their home.
Thank you, really needed to hear this. I now realise where my problems stated when I was a child and made me the way I am today. I have aways had a problem with standing up for myself because I was never allowed to challenge my dad for fear of being punished. This has carried on into my adult life which allowed me to fall prey to a narcissist for 11years as well as some sexual abuse in my teens. Looking forward to the next video.
I absolutely love, love. love this series, "How to Clear Your Susceptibility To Narcissists"! You have given me renewed hope. I've been with him for 25 years and was beginning to believe there was just no hope left for me. Thank you so much for making all your videos! --Debi
This was very helpful--and while I was listening I was thinking--gosh, I wish she would give examples of healthy boundaries and talk about how to go about that because I haven't a clue how to begin--and that's what you're doing next week! Yay! I had a therapist tell me once that if someone is doing something to me that I wouldn't do to someone else that that's a boundary of mine. Do you think this is an accurate way to identify boundaries? I'm so glad you're discussing this--thank you so much.
I'm so diggin' these videos. Really need the help in HOW to turn the focus to taking care of myself and my emotional experience. But also: ROCK ON with the comment to the lipstick critic! That was a wonderful moment. :D
So a healthy boundary are to initially stand up and say this behavior is not ok but then detach from the outcome of that person valuing what we have to say. I tend to just Ignore the person when they start the name calling all together. He's going to continue to behavior this way and have no accountability but I want to learn to stand up from myself and walk away from it. Looking forward to next week!
I think that's how I'm interpreting it as well. If the person is willing to have a healthy dialogue then that's one thing, but if they continue being abusive then detach. (?)
Melanie, your videos are always so full of really valuable and pertinent info. The way you explain boundaries is a revelation to me...thank you, and I look forward to Part 2.
Hi Mel, thank you so much for this video! Boundaries are to me like learning a foreign language. This topic was never mentioned during my childhood and, even as an adult, those around me are not presently comfortable discussing. I am very interested in learning more about how to set boundaries and hearing more from you in this regard. It resonates with me when you share examples from your personal experience and I feel a sense of relief. I am grateful to you.
so helpful but I am still trying out to find the balance to stand up for myself the healthy way .. love your topics and videos since I am going through an ugly divorce
Hi. I just found your channel and am really glad I did. I can identify with so much of what I have heard you talk about so far. This video is so right on. I'm looking forward to seeing your past videos as well. Sending you all the best from California, Sue
Thank you that really really helped! I have been defending how i feel for years!! hard to except that they dont care about your soul, your person, its so very Cold, I am tired of feeling like a victim its draining, but I seem to be stuck! the hurt of the coldness, i dunno how to except it? he is wining and dining his new supply and im raising our child, he is in mexico and im in therapy.. he goes on looking back at me like im crazy and he did Nothing! Gosh its difficult! All i want is peace, and to really move on..... looking forward to your next video! Thanks!
+Tammy Engelbrecht my pleasure ... have you connected to my resources they will help explain a lot about how to heal from the trauma of this. Wishing you hugs and healing xx
+Melanie Tonia Evans I watch your videos but dont know about the resources? I will do anything to heal! I am willing to do the hard work, Im tired. Thank you! can you please give me a link to this?
Tammy Hickey bless you mate, I hear what you're saying love, you should of done this you should of done etc etc blah blah blah, blame blame blame blame blame blame blame, that's exactly what they like to do and then consequently we end doing exactly the same thing or playing exactly the same games with them, victim victim victim. I'm learning so much about boundaries and how much we really need them. I hope your therapy is going good. Take care Steve. Xx
thanks so much for this video!! you have helped me so much with everything I've been dealing with.... you are so on point about values and boundaries... I am healing now because of your videos... bless you for taking the time to help others . 😚🙏
I believe if I can't speak out about myself in an honest way, I become danger to others. Others who are looking for honesty. Those who want to be able to trust someone.
I'm completely like your friend. I think it's hard too because you'd never hurt people to the best of your ability so you think 'What does a respectful and rational person do?', and just consider the disrespectful person as "crazy ". But I do clearly have to state the obvious. And will help me too that if I error, I need to accept peoples comments without getting upset and hurt. My mom was very controlling and overstepped boundaries (with good intent, but not with discernment). So when I did that periodically with my 2nd husband, he made me aware of my actions. So I became so sensitive to peoples opinions and decisions. But to the extent then where I didn't stand up for myself.
Oh wow do i ever need this right now. I've just received a text AND an email (unread of course) after I've repeatedly stated that I was only willing to talk in person. In fact the last words I spoke to this person were "you can call but emails will not be read or returned" I just wonder what is the point of setting a boundary with someone who cannot or will not respect them? I understand the boundary is for me but really i'm wondering why I wasted my breath. I am still struggling with not getting drawn into the hooks of wanting to prove that i'm not the horrible person they say i am. I guess all i can do is not respond. It just irks me that I'm being called a bad person for not responding even though I've been really clear to them. They are telling others that I am horrible as well. No accountability or grasp of their own behavior. I'm just sick of having to deal with it. Even though i've set my boundaries when they are disrespected i still have to deal with it. I really need to get to the detached place. I am there some of the time but after the initial boundary break i am affected.
What if they do take responsibility for what they do , and apologize, but then keep doing the same thing over and over again? At that point it's a lie the fake apology, right?
Narcissitic neighbours, they can be a grey area. They could make your life really hell., even worse than then parking in your driveway. I would tend to put up a big polite sign in front. I have asked my neighbours not to speed in the driveway because we have eldery and kids around, but they still carry on. Now I have made a big sign, and now people are talking about speeding in the driveway with other neighbours and everyone knows who the speeders are, they are being watched by other neighbours.
I did this with 1of my ex's, I was always and forever *** please please please please please please. But ***you've got to stop treating me like this and you need to stop treating me like that etc etc she literally killed me mentally and emotionally and spiritually but most importantly I ALOUD HER TO DO IT. Thanks for this again. Xx
Hi Melanie, you videos have been really helping me. I was wondering if you could make a video talking about what someone should do if they have a narcissistic parent or step-parent that they still have to live with? I feel like I could heal more easily if I were able to live on my own, but i am only 16. Any advice is appreciated, thank you!
Sadly I've been dealing with all of those things. Me being the Empath, I just looked at them as damaged and still mana intakes ties, with desire to grow....but it seems.... Like ....it's very difficult and as most vids describe a lost causes. Sighhhh.
Mel, your lipstick was an issue for this woman? Seriously? Was she even listening to you on boundaries? I, by the way think that you always look lovely, but I was totally focused on what you were saying here. Also my having worked the modules, understand that in order to heal takes much inner work. Before that, I never would have spoken up for myself when I needed to. I was too afraid to. Love you Mel. Helen xx
+H Bruce I guess some people have a lot of time on their hands! lol Very true the inner work is where focus is needed ... great you are coming out and able to be yourself as a result of doing the work. I love you too Helen xox
+Stephanie Skeffington I believe our gut/higher self tells us clearly when enough is enough. I think you may realize that your gut feeling has been there all along causing you ask this question.
Out of curiosity, when narcs/socios triangulate are they also avoiding confrontation? Or is there something there about exercising power and control in keeping themselves a victim? thank you.
+seoreh Its very true that many N's and Socio's operate in clandestine ways, as that is where they can recruit and manipulate more effectively. I believe its the effectiveness that is the reason more than anything x
Wow you are such a pretty intelligent woman; definitely a great role model for me! No words can express how thankful i am for these videos! I am currently battling narcissistic abuse from my mother; God lead me to this video and now I know what i need to do. God Bless your soul 🌹
+Ivette please see this ... blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-would-it-take-for-a-narcissist-to-heal/ and blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/ xx
Cont.....unwounded I meant, not unfounded. So just reread my post and can see I have more unconditional acceptance and up levelling to do... to live without the exhaustive effort..I guess truly graduating means there is no effort, I just feel light, love, compassion and patience, waiting for her to see her mean spirited behaviour is not serving her either. There are children involved, please stop modelling your tantrums, gas lighting, devaluing and discarding to them. Maybe they will see it and help to heal her.... I wish her the healing she needs to feel safe and loved...I don't think we should catch up anymore, nothing works with this person that allows you to be authentic to yourself. Thoughts?
Hi Theresa, In the therapeutic model, the therapist is trying to help you to resolve these questions on your own. To come to these realisations through your own epiphany which works if you are solving logical issues. Unfortunately, narcissistic abuse is not logical...it's emotional, physical (addiction) and subconscious. The good news is that many mental health professionals are making the connection. I have so many that have written to me about how they recommend my healing method and resources to help their clients. It is changing so there is reason to be optimistic. Here is a resource that can help you with the physical addiction issue that is so often missed in recovery: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/ Love and blessings xoxox
I was raised by parents who were both NPD...I never knew I was "allowed" to have boundaries or what they were. I think that for most of us on this site, our childhood experiences were so punitive and traumatic that we've stayed child-like in our reactions to verbal insults and criticisms. Thank you so much for validating this experience.
You are so welcome Sheila xoxox If you haven't come across this yet, this may also help validate your experience - blog.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissistic-fathers-healing-yourself-and-protecting-your-children-from-a-toxic-upbringing/ blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-heal-the-wounds-from-narcissistic-mothers/ Love and blessings to you xoxox
Same here ...... 🙋
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. So true. I got trapped in the ‘defend myself, get the story straight, right fighting’ trap and that’s how the endless cycle started. I did some really embarrassing stuff too but I also own it. At least we can do that & keep trying to do better.
"whatever you haven't healed, you're going to get more of it." yes ! thank you Melanie
Oh Melanie, you speak such insightful reason. "We don't graduate, we digress". You are amazing. Thank you.
My Ex used to exit the room or leave the house whenever there was an argument. So, nothing was ever resolved. Just kept going round and round and round. You're right: Speaking up doesn't seem to help. I changed and took action by leaving permanently.
Donna Woodford and then when it keeps going round and round they will tell you, that THEY are so sick of it still going on.
I thought that knowing and setting my boundaries was going to be complex and difficult to learn, but Mel you've explained it so simply and clearly. I now realise that I've always known my boundaries I just didn't value myself enough to walk away from people who weren't honouring them. I would feel insecure and frightened that I would loose the love that they were providing and cling on and accept their behaviour. Through Narping I am starting to love and honour myself more and starting to feel confident that with a bit more work I will be able to walk away when someone violates my boundary and doesn't care about my feelings. because I know that I will be providing all the love and respect I need to myself. Thanks for showing me how to do this. X
+Ruth B I love that you are transforming the inner you - so that you are no longer derailed by these insecurities. THAT is key!! My pleasure and you are so welcome
I love this work, I do prefer to call it a Narcissistic 'encounter' instead of 'abuse' I say it to myself when I'm listening. The term abuse is associated with a victim and there are no real victims. For me, a 'narcissistic encounter' is more in alignment with the true role they played in my life.
That's a great expression CK! I love how you 'get it'. When we heal the wounds and move out of victimhood our whole perceptions change. Thrive on Dear lady xoxox
Agree but also we gotta call it was it is, too.
I totally agree that in growing up I was not allowed to have ANY kind of boundaries and thus, as an adult, I was unable to confront people about ANYTHING. When I married my ex-Nar I was more than happy to allow him to 'deal with people'. We had a situation with a neighbor once, where they were allowing their dog to roam the neighborhood (not legal in the US) ... that dog was small enough to fit through the slats of our fence and would come into our back yard and onto our porch where we had our dogs. These people apparently didn't care about the 'dog law' so I had my ex-Nar approach them to explain that we do not want their dog coming onto our property where there was a possibility that injury could occur to their dog (they had a Doxie and we had a large Doberman). After my ex-Nar confronted them, nothing changed. They did not abide by our wishes. So that is one of the reasons I DO NOT like to confront people because I have learned over the 58 years I've been on this planet that people DO NOT care and they don't do the right thing and it ALWAYS turns into a bad situation. These neighbors decided to then call the Animal Control on US because our dogs 'bark' ...... this is how people deal with being confronted. They find ways to not accept responsibility for their OWN actions and turn things around on the person who confronted them. They never did keep their dog on their own property, even though that is the law in the US. Our dogs did not bark 'consistently'.....they just barked like normal dogs do from time to time. I've read the laws when dog barking is considered a nuisance and we did not fall into that category, but if we had, I would have certainly resolved that issue. I have experienced this kind of thing many, many times in my life and that is why I do not have boundaries. PEOPLE are stubborn, selfish and self-centered and I truly hate having to deal with people in any way. I was like that with the ex-Nar as well.....I allowed him to control everything and get away with his bad behavior (not that we didn't have many, many arguments.....but in the end....HE WON). I hate this about myself but I just don't think I am able to change this behavior at this late stage of my life......SIGH!
+Sharon Ann we can always change if we want to .. there is no age limit. And truly our beliefs create our reality - powerfully. If we think that about people that is how people show up in our experience. We think our realities create our beliefs, but it is actually our beliefs creating our reality. To change our life we need to change ourselves. xx
Pchycic emotional boundaries. I am in owe of Melanie's vocabulary. How 0penly, humbly rarely she speaks, attuned and evokes our soul. And correspondedly our soul is evoked and resonated.So she can never gets wrong
Very insightful and thought-provoking presentation with direct implications for living as a whole and healthy human being. I could not help but apply your concepts to societal groups as well, in particular African-Americans and the seemingly perpetual cycles of abuse that afflict my group. Even though there's a huge amount of abuse inflicted by African-Americans on other African-Americans, self-styled "leaders" insist on blaming "the others" for our collective situation.
Your analysis of the foundational energies that create potential victims and that attract willful abusers can be applied to help not only individuals, but also groups who have been the willing and easy prey of narcissistic "leaders." I've believed for quite a number of decades that the key to healing resides in a transformation of self. You've given me a new set of words and concepts to use to help myself and others. Thank you.
+Robert DeShay You are most welcome I totally agree this is an awakening for all of us collectively as well as singularly .. but it does need to take place one person at a time - leading where we all need to go. Wonderful if you become a part of that xoxox
So so good!! I absolutely needed this to confirm my self and to understand that I have made a huge step in healing myself. I was in an " awkward situation" the devalued me, or attempted to devalue. The behavior from the other person was outrageously rude and hurtful. They took no responsibility at all for it. I decided not to give that person any more of my attention. It took a lot of work to make that decision, a lot of soul searching and dropping my old habit of tolerating "shitty behavior". As a result I have changed my inner boundary in an epic sense. I say this because (it was a process)! Because of what I am learning from Melanie's teachings I was able to internally LISTEN to my inner being, and trust MYSELF ! Thank you Melanie, again and again!!
Since 15 days of Narp I’m being able to go into a real relaxation I wasn’t able to get in 40 years because of stressful inner believes I had , I’m shifting them and being able to be truly relaxed and not feel guilty in my skin for the first time in my life, words cannot describe what your helaings are doing for me at 40.
Here's is a REASON why more defined lipstick could be important. I am hearing deficient. Fortunately not badly, but about 10% in each ear.. I read lips, to help me hear better, without even noticing that I am doing it. If I can't *see* your lips clearly, I can't do that. So a more clearly defined lip line, actually serves a function. I doubt that the person who criticized you had that in mind, but you might consider that regardless. People who hear worse, probably need to read lips more. Thank you for speaking clearly!
Great point dejahvutoo! xoxox
I love all you videos and this one is no exception...the problem is ....the irony that.......I do value you me and my right to be treated well but I now struggle to find any way to cope with my abuser...I no longer find kind ways to "value" my messenger of my wounds...my sociopathic ex-sister in-law who is still included in every family event due to my brother being afraid to exclude her and own his own time with his now 18 plus year old children. So technically I am perpetuating the situation by not valuing myself to rise above it all and find a way to value her and treat her how I expect to be treated....I don't need accountability, I have dropped righteousness, I have found grace and sorrow for her sad, damaged, scared, warrior self. I have tried detachment..she got worse...I tried authentic, confidence, showing up as an unfounded self...she crushes and thrashes about harder...she triangulated more, tries to win over my mum that it is me and my brother who are faulty. :-(
Wow! What a HUGE episode.I listened to it 4 times and still not sure that I've fully whot I've I fully.wholly completetetly got it.This episode is so so realistic so real so authentic. Overwhelming truth which is so true and so compelling.
Although the na relationship I was in ended in 2010 (took me six years and police involvement to get out of it) I'm finally able to to see how I allowed myself to be "conned" by the relationship. I was just too distraught to look at it then. It makes me feel so good, and sane to revisit the threads that started back in my childhood in order to learn at 50 how not to keep falling into the same trap. When you said alcoholic father my hackles went up. Unfortunately there is a lot of confusion arising from loving sick people as children. Thank you again for bringing clarity and self focus to this very important issue! You are a wonderful brave woman Melanie and I'm looking forward to the next video. I hope you will feel the wind beneath your wings as you read all of these positive comments!
+Mann Lisa You are so gorgeous - and thank you for sharing your beautiful uplifting energy with me! I wish you all the very best in your healing and the creation of your truth - you SO deserve it! xoxox
"Life is happening for us, not to us..." (EDIT a few hours later...) Melanie restates this in another video (paraphrasing) as "Life is happening thru us..." This is a thought that I will hold onto.
At 14:20 is where I realized that everything I have been going through for over 15 years and more recently is the truth about my relationship with this Woman.
Thank you for this.
My pleasure Johnny. I'm so glad this helps. Love and blessings xoxox
I am having such a confusing time. I confonted her with the fact that she is a narcissist and she admitted to some of the traits but also said that she is not a liar. I have noticed that she loves to gaslight in front of my kids to pump me up and get me started and then make me look like the bad guy.
I try to pull out and ignore her and she keeps coming back. She acts like she wants to make things work out but I dont know if its sincere.
Any advice please.
@@MelanieToniaEvans
Finaly after all this time she comes and admits to me that we should go for couples counseling after I have been after her for a long time. Is that another one of her plots. She has been meeting new friends and going out often and I dont know if someone is messing with her head.
Hi Johnny, Here are two blogs that can help: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/should-you-tell-a-narcissist-who-they-really-are/ and blog.melanietoniaevans.com/hoovering-how-the-narcissist-tricks-you-into-breaking-no-contact/ Much love xoxox
@@MelanieToniaEvans
Thank you so so much. I will check those out.
Your talks are wonderful Melanie. I've dealt with narcissistic abuse a few times and have been wondering how to protect myself. You are helping me to learn the causes. thank you.
Very grateful for all your knowledge and understanding you convey. Being completely transparent is so important to bring it to each of our situations. Boundaries....please keep the practical examples coming. Focused on this "Above everything else guard your heart,
because from it flow the springs of life". BTW you dont ever need to speak, to how wonderful you look. Thank you again, Brent
+Brent Cameron thank you for your suggestion re practical examples. I will weave them in next week. Thank you for your lovely compliment xoxox
Melanie This is brilliant. I hadn't got clear before on which way to go. I knew I needed to grow up in some way but I didn't have clear at all what I actually needed to change, or what to do, or how to do it, or really even if I could do it. Now I am sure I still have a lot to learn but I feel like I have a sense of direction, like my feet are on the beginning of a path even If I do not see all the steps ahead clearly. This is a real turning point today. Thankyou so much. You are an absolutly brilliant person & brilliant expert therapist. Absolutely top quality. No question about it. Thankyou for explaining it & putting it into words so clearly & with such positive energy & making it all so relatable.
Talking about your gf having a fear of confrontation resonates with who I used to be strongly. I was raised with my mother telling me my father was non-confrontational. He may well have been but so was she. Not only that but she did not stick up for me. So, she could not teach me to stick up for myself.
I was truly raised in a "victim mentality" I feel that we would never put up with these people and they are actually repelled by us when we do have healthy boundaries.
Melanie: I shared your video on my Breaking Free pages today as well as Twitter. Excellent video! I am a fan of your work.
+C. Meagan Michael It was hard for me too, Meagan, to have a mother who didn't protect me, or teach me how to navigate this world. I'm glad for both of us, that we are learning how to have healthy boundaries. Best to you.
Thank you Cathy Anne. Healthy boundaries truly can and do change our lives. It's taken me 50 years to learn this but thank God I did. :)
+C. Meagan Michael I am so pleased that example struck a chord for you - and thank you for sharing my vid!! Keep up the great work :) xx
This is so helpful to me. Thank you so much for doing what you do. I am about to turn 50 years old, and have 2 failed relationships with whom I now know are Narcs. I plan on the voice inside my head being my own and not everyone else's. Just need to define those boundaries
+Maureen O'Rourke You are welcome and great work for taking back yourself! Bless
Wow! A light bulb moment!!! When you said at 9.42 about FEAR OF CONFRONTATION it completely hit home to me. Thats exactly and precisely who I am. Dammit I am 66 years old. Time to get cracking.
God this is wonderful. Now all I have to do is fix it. Yeay yeay. Thanks Mel.
On the ball! Such powerful and healthy advice about boundaries. Melanie - you are truly an amazing speaker and healer.
I really felt your positive energy on this one...you seem to REALLY want people to get this. I don't blame you. It was wonderful, and there was so much important content I plan to review it several times. The lipstick part was so cute - watching you stand up for yourself. It punctuated what you were talking about . I thought, "You go, girl!" I am looking forward to Part II. You are helping me so much, now that am actually leaving my NPD husband of 26 years.
+Cathy Anne yes very true this one is a passionate message ... I am so so happy I can help you, thank you for your beautiful comments and I am so pleased you are getting the courage and strength to leave! xoxox
This is crucial info. Thanks for keeping the empath community informed.
Ive said those words out loud many times through out my life. So I was right! I wasnt allowed or encouraged to make my own decisions about anything in front of my parents, into high school. So I ran away at 16. I never really understood why I wanted to run. It hurt my folks terribly. I never returned to live in their home.
Thank you, really needed to hear this. I now realise where my problems stated when I was a child and made me the way I am today. I have aways had a problem with standing up for myself because I was never allowed to challenge my dad for fear of being punished. This has carried on into my adult life which allowed me to fall prey to a narcissist for 11years as well as some sexual abuse in my teens. Looking forward to the next video.
+Tina Kelly I am so glad this is making sense and helping. You're very welcome :) xx
I just have to say, I absolutely love how you explain all this.
I absolutely love, love. love this series, "How to Clear Your Susceptibility To Narcissists"! You have given me renewed hope. I've been with him for 25 years and was beginning to believe there was just no hope left for me. Thank you so much for making all your videos! --Debi
This was very helpful--and while I was listening I was thinking--gosh, I wish she would give examples of healthy boundaries and talk about how to go about that because I haven't a clue how to begin--and that's what you're doing next week! Yay! I had a therapist tell me once that if someone is doing something to me that I wouldn't do to someone else that that's a boundary of mine. Do you think this is an accurate way to identify boundaries? I'm so glad you're discussing this--thank you so much.
+ALee Next week will help a lot!! Hmmm re your question I will go into that in more depth next week ... xoxo
I'm so diggin' these videos. Really need the help in HOW to turn the focus to taking care of myself and my emotional experience. But also: ROCK ON with the comment to the lipstick critic! That was a wonderful moment. :D
This video was just what I needed today. Thank you.
+Scarlett James My pleasure xoxox
So a healthy boundary are to initially stand up and say this behavior is not ok but then detach from the outcome of that person valuing what we have to say. I tend to just Ignore the person when they start the name calling all together. He's going to continue to behavior this way and have no accountability but I want to learn to stand up from myself and walk away from it. Looking forward to next week!
I think that's how I'm interpreting it as well. If the person is willing to have a healthy dialogue then that's one thing, but if they continue being abusive then detach. (?)
+Stephanie Skeffington very true ... and we will go into that in further detail next week. xx
This is saving me. Thank you for posting this and all your other videos. Thank you Lord for helping me to stumble across these. :)
Melanie, your videos are always so full of really valuable and pertinent info. The way you explain boundaries is a revelation to me...thank you, and I look forward to Part 2.
+solis You are so welcome and I am so pleased my videos help. xx
Hi Mel, thank you so much for this video! Boundaries are to me like learning a foreign language. This topic was never mentioned during my childhood and, even as an adult, those around me are not presently comfortable discussing. I am very interested in learning more about how to set boundaries and hearing more from you in this regard. It resonates with me when you share examples from your personal experience and I feel a sense of relief. I am grateful to you.
love you!!!! and good for you for calling out the person who citicized your lipstick! - From USA
+Jody Cardwell haha thank you - love you too! xxx
Thank you SO much for your clarity and knowledge with this issue. I'm sharing far and wide!
This video just changed my life... Thank you so much for breaking this down.
so helpful but I am still trying out to find the balance to stand up for myself the healthy way .. love your topics and videos since I am going through an ugly divorce
Great video! Lovely lipstick!
+Northwest Wind Ta!!! :) xoxox
Absolutely amazing. Thank you for breaking it down so simply.
Oh Mel,
This one helped so much because of the examples! I'm having such a hard time with this and now I can see why. Thank you!!
Absolutely brilliant. You are the best one out there...so articulate. THANK YOU...
+Anna Cody Bless and thank you :) xoxox
Hi. I just found your channel and am really glad I did. I can identify with so much of what I have heard you talk about so far. This video is so right on. I'm looking forward to seeing your past videos as well. Sending you all the best from California, Sue
This video is everything!
Wow, this is SO eye-opening!! You're talking about ME! lol! I'm so glad I came across your videos! Thank you!!!
My pleasure LBrobie xoxox
You are a genius!! Priceless explanations. I understand exactly what you are saying
Thank you, Mel! You've been a Godsent. Fabulous information.
+Cheri Erdek My pleasure I am so pleased this resonated with you xoxox
This episode was brilliant 👍
Thanks so much for explaining it so clearly ❤
thank you really enjoying your talk. looking forword to next week
+kevin hotten Bless! xoxo
Melanie, you gave me the tools for happyness with Narp, and for that I will be forever gratefull, love you! Saludos from Spain 😉
brilliant Melanie
I love your content! So spot on and helpful. God bless you! 💜
Thank you that really really helped! I have been defending how i feel for years!! hard to except that they dont care about your soul, your person, its so very Cold, I am tired of feeling like a victim its draining, but I seem to be stuck! the hurt of the coldness, i dunno how to except it? he is wining and dining his new supply and im raising our child, he is in mexico and im in therapy.. he goes on looking back at me like im crazy and he did Nothing! Gosh its difficult! All i want is peace, and to really move on..... looking forward to your next video! Thanks!
+Tammy Engelbrecht my pleasure ... have you connected to my resources they will help explain a lot about how to heal from the trauma of this. Wishing you hugs and healing xx
+Melanie Tonia Evans I watch your videos but dont know about the resources? I will do anything to heal! I am willing to do the hard work, Im tired. Thank you! can you please give me a link to this?
+Tammy Engelbrecht Check out these ones www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted and www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp I hope that helps Tammy xoxo
+Melanie Tonia Evans Hi, I have subscribed to your downloads I am reading Narc abuse the truth and how to do no contact. Thank you Melanie!!
Tammy Hickey bless you mate, I hear what you're saying love, you should of done this you should of done etc etc blah blah blah, blame blame blame blame blame blame blame, that's exactly what they like to do and then consequently we end doing exactly the same thing or playing exactly the same games with them, victim victim victim. I'm learning so much about boundaries and how much we really need them. I hope your therapy is going good. Take care Steve. Xx
thanks so much for this video!! you have helped me so much with everything I've been dealing with.... you are so on point about values and boundaries... I am healing now because of your videos... bless you for taking the time to help others . 😚🙏
Thank you Melanie for sharing your experiences and your free resources. I am very touched
Thank you so much for always sharing such valuable insights!
+Tiffany Grey My pleasure
I believe if I can't speak out about myself in an honest way, I become danger to others. Others who are looking for honesty. Those who want to be able to trust someone.
+vangie morrison What an honest and awesome point!
Seriously, I love listening to everything. Your so healing and wonderful! Thanks ;)
In fact when I told my dad I wanted to run away he said "if you run away, we will move."
Wow I have been working on boundaries but it is hard! Thank you❤️🎄🦌
Hahahahaaha about the lipstick..love your work, Mel 😅❤
thank you Melanie very very much!!!
My pleasure xoxo
I'm completely like your friend. I think it's hard too because you'd never hurt people to the best of your ability so you think 'What does a respectful and rational person do?', and just consider the disrespectful person as "crazy ". But I do clearly have to state the obvious. And will help me too that if I error, I need to accept peoples comments without getting upset and hurt. My mom was very controlling and overstepped boundaries (with good intent, but not with discernment). So when I did that periodically with my 2nd husband, he made me aware of my actions. So I became so sensitive to peoples opinions and decisions. But to the extent then where I didn't stand up for myself.
Great video. I needa watch this everyday
Very well said. Thank you.
+Evangelos Makris My pleasure xoxo
Oh wow do i ever need this right now. I've just received a text AND an email (unread of course) after I've repeatedly stated that I was only willing to talk in person. In fact the last words I spoke to this person were "you can call but emails will not be read or returned" I just wonder what is the point of setting a boundary with someone who cannot or will not respect them? I understand the boundary is for me but really i'm wondering why I wasted my breath. I am still struggling with not getting drawn into the hooks of wanting to prove that i'm not the horrible person they say i am. I guess all i can do is not respond. It just irks me that I'm being called a bad person for not responding even though I've been really clear to them. They are telling others that I am horrible as well. No accountability or grasp of their own behavior. I'm just sick of having to deal with it. Even though i've set my boundaries when they are disrespected i still have to deal with it. I really need to get to the detached place. I am there some of the time but after the initial boundary break i am affected.
This was fantastic, xx
thank you. it was very helpful 😃
What if they do take responsibility for what they do , and apologize, but then keep doing the same thing over and over again? At that point it's a lie the fake apology, right?
similar happened to me this week, lol :) yes and thank you these type of videos led me to the right choice!
Thank you so much Melanie!
+Millimiaou My pleasure :) x
Brilliant video .
Thank you !
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You are very welcome Judy xoxo
you are gorgeous, thank you for this wonderful topic.
+Kasandra Springford Bless, thank you and you are so welcome
Narcissitic neighbours, they can be a grey area. They could make your life really hell., even worse than then parking in your driveway. I would tend to put up a big polite sign in front. I have asked my neighbours not to speed in the driveway because we have eldery and kids around, but they still carry on. Now I have made a big sign, and now people are talking about speeding in the driveway with other neighbours and everyone knows who the speeders are, they are being watched by other neighbours.
I did this with 1of my ex's, I was always and forever *** please please please please please please. But ***you've got to stop treating me like this and you need to stop treating me like that etc etc she literally killed me mentally and emotionally and spiritually but most importantly I ALOUD HER TO DO IT. Thanks for this again. Xx
I realized that I told two friends in our circle about her . I was angry.Now I am worried
Thank you!! brilliant x
+Frankie Maxwell You're welcome and thank you! xoxo
Hi Melanie, you videos have been really helping me. I was wondering if you could make a video talking about what someone should do if they have a narcissistic parent or step-parent that they still have to live with? I feel like I could heal more easily if I were able to live on my own, but i am only 16. Any advice is appreciated, thank you!
Yes exactly when your family supports them and you have to be with them at events
thanks for this video
+Hgg Gggg My pleasure xox
Sadly I've been dealing with all of those things. Me being the Empath, I just looked at them as damaged and still mana intakes ties, with desire to grow....but it seems.... Like ....it's very difficult and as most vids describe a lost causes. Sighhhh.
Mel, your lipstick was an issue for this woman? Seriously? Was she even listening to you on boundaries? I, by the way think that you always look lovely, but I was totally focused on what you were saying here. Also my having worked the modules, understand that in order to heal takes much inner work. Before that, I never would have spoken up for myself when I needed to. I was too afraid to. Love you Mel. Helen xx
+H Bruce I guess some people have a lot of time on their hands! lol Very true the inner work is where focus is needed ... great you are coming out and able to be yourself as a result of doing the work. I love you too Helen xox
+Melanie Tonia Evans probably a narcissist who said it lol
Another question would be when is it appropriate to just disengage all together from certain behaviors?
+Stephanie Skeffington I believe our gut/higher self tells us clearly when enough is enough. I think you may realize that your gut feeling has been there all along causing you ask this question.
+Stephanie Skeffington we are defintley going to look at this next week!! xx
Out of curiosity, when narcs/socios triangulate are they also avoiding confrontation? Or is there something there about exercising power and control in keeping themselves a victim? thank you.
+seoreh Its very true that many N's and Socio's operate in clandestine ways, as that is where they can recruit and manipulate more effectively. I believe its the effectiveness that is the reason more than anything x
Any good videos to help educate young people on their rights?
Wow you are such a pretty intelligent woman; definitely a great role model for me! No words can express how thankful i am for these videos! I am currently battling narcissistic abuse from my mother; God lead me to this video and now I know what i need to do. God Bless your soul 🌹
What if the presumed narcissist wants to seek help. Help as in wanting to go to counseling. How should that be seen?
+Ivette please see this ... blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-would-it-take-for-a-narcissist-to-heal/ and blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/ xx
Cont.....unwounded I meant, not unfounded. So just reread my post and can see I have more unconditional acceptance and up levelling to do... to live without the exhaustive effort..I guess truly graduating means there is no effort, I just feel light, love, compassion and patience, waiting for her to see her mean spirited behaviour is not serving her either. There are children involved, please stop modelling your tantrums, gas lighting, devaluing and discarding to them. Maybe they will see it and help to heal her.... I wish her the healing she needs to feel safe and loved...I don't think we should catch up anymore, nothing works with this person that allows you to be authentic to yourself. Thoughts?
I might not have A PhD, but im graduating my childhood and thats the biggest accomplishment - winning myself back [o:
The lipstick comment, why?? Who does that. Who thinks they can tell anyone else what LIPSTICK color they should wear?
Sad to say but I hate to have to educate people when they are so low on the basics of life, I tell myself that I am not their mother.
AMEN! Exactly !
Melanie, why don't therapists explain this? They mention boundaries and I don't have a clue because they don't explain what it is.
Hi Theresa,
In the therapeutic model, the therapist is trying to help you to resolve these questions on your own. To come to these realisations through your own epiphany which works if you are solving logical issues. Unfortunately, narcissistic abuse is not logical...it's emotional, physical (addiction) and subconscious. The good news is that many mental health professionals are making the connection. I have so many that have written to me about how they recommend my healing method and resources to help their clients. It is changing so there is reason to be optimistic. Here is a resource that can help you with the physical addiction issue that is so often missed in recovery: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/ Love and blessings xoxox
Most likely the lipstick comment was out of spite due to jealousy of your good looks and good dress sense
The commoditization of oneness has also perverted the notion of healthy boundaries.
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