"People are not treating us in relation to how we treat them; People are treating us in relation how we treat OURSELVES!!!" The most incredible wake up!
Mel, how do you manage to speak so many truths and so much wisdom in just over 22 minutes? Amazing! This resonates so much with me. My deeply unconscious, wounded parents responded to my childhood emotions in a completely age-inappropriate way. I was chastised for displaying ANY emotion, whether it be fear, pain, sadness, anger, pleasure or excitement because this was "naughty", and that good children were invisible. I can remember sitting on Dads knee and being told " Good little girls are so quiet that no-one knows where they are. You should be so quiet that Mum and I have to look everywhere for you, because we think you have run away" WTF? I spent a lot of time in hospital as a child, and would often be in pain and distress after surgery . I was told that it was naughty to cry, or "make a fuss". That, of course, led to me falsely believe that it was somehow brave and admirable to endure pain, whether physical or emotional. I was also terrified of being thought of as selfish. According to my parents, that was the worst crime ever. Yet now, I can see how selfish they were. They suppressed me in order to make their own lives easier and of course, it was how they had been parented. As an adult, I had to demonstrate to others how selfless I was. If someone accused me of being selfish, I had to prove them wrong, to show them that I was prepared to prioritise their needs over mine. My motto was " If Im nice and kind to others, they will reciprocate" Yeah right. Mel - I cant wait for the next episode! Much love dear lady xxx
+Sylvia Ann Wilkin thank you - and as always you too speak resounding and powerful truths that will fill in the gaps for so many people. I love your shares here! So wonderful sharing this journey with you as one of my "evolutionary sisters". Bless you xx
+Melanie Tonia Evans - Apparently I am 5 years old and the pain is in my chest. I have a vivid memory of what makes me feel such insecurity. It was very helpful, thankful.
Thank you Mel! You have lifted pain from my heart today. You have given me permission to be who I have always wanted to be but feared the consequences. Typical background of alcoholic parents who clamped down on any feelings in the home. Unfortunately, during a brutal divorce from a diagnosed BPD/NPD and sexual predator, I lost my adult children and grandchildren. When I went out of character and began to speak the truth (because I was called a liar) my children didn't like the new mom. They still wanted 'perky mom'. So when I finally spoke the truth for the first time in my life, I paid a huge price. I was put into the land of the living dead. Total estrangement. I know I did the right thing but I am having trouble coping with the aftermath. Again, thank you for all the right words I so very much needed to hear!
+Gigi ~ I have been where you are now, with my adult children. I want to offer you an option to consider. Because they were not used to ever hearing the word "No", it came as a mighty shock to them to even consider that I was not put on this earth solely for their needs. And to be honest, I think I was pretty confused about that as well. So when the time came for me to grow away from that enabling behavior, they hated me. And said so. I died a little every day during that estrangement. And then I decided to put all that angst to better use. I purchased a book called "Prayers for Prodigals" and I prayed those prayers over my two son's EVERY morning. Not for me...for them. And the weirdest thing happened. I got stronger. I got clearer. And most importantly, I was given PEACE over the issue. Then slowly, they both started calling me again and then we shared a few outings. Then we started working on our issues together. Today we are closer than ever before. Prayer works. May you and your 's be healed.
Almost had a moment of weakness and wanted to text my ex narcissist after two months of no contact . Then I had two notifications from support groups, from you and Dana. I will take that as a sign. Thank you; you are helping me heal!
Thank you so much Melanie. You are so calming and explain everything so well. We are lucky having people like you, talking about this and helping us to heal.
You are truly incredible. It seems you are supernatural. I am on a path that you see from above. You are truly a gift to all you touch. I will uplevel these wounds, I will I will, I will. My pain is turning into fascination.
Really Mel. I realized through this video that giving away everything that is me to others for more years than I care to imagine is what caused me to completely lose touch with the reality that is my very soul. Where was I. An empty shell with no returns for my efforts. No more! I love you and God bless you. Helen, xxx
+Drake Drones I am in a situation where I still have to live with my Narc husband so I had to create a no contact rule and lay out clear boundaries as to what is acceptable to me and what is not. My tools for doing this was to not sleep in the same room with him, whatever needed to be spoken was reduced to yes or no answers, not showing any reaction to whatever he said to me. Also doing the Narp program and Quanta healing has taken me to a place where I am not hurting anymore because I have learned how to love who I am. I hope that helps to some degree and good luck.
Melanie. You are amazing. You teach me to love and accept and connect with myself. I am very grateful to you thank you sharing your light and truth with the world.
Wow. Just wow... For the first time in my life, someone has described my father's behaviour, without being fooled by him. And after years of searching, in you, I've finally found someone with an understanding of the affects a narcissistic parent has on a child. What a breath of fresh air you are, Melanie! I always knew a big part of me was a very damaged, helpless child. And you mention it here! Omg. Finally... Now I know how to address this. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.
Thanks for this Mel. It really made me think about my NARC sister who is 11 years older than me and was made to be my "second mother" as my true (preferred) mother had to work long hours and so NARC sister was made to look after me by my Sociopathic Father (who died last year and my N-sister is still living in the family home even though it has been sold to new foreign owners who are awaiting building approval). N-sister is a chronic hoarder and the property looks and smells like a hovel. That is how she has always lived and mostly with her 42 year old son, who never pays any rent towards living with his mother (entitlement and another sociopathic narc??). They told me they would look after my father in the last year of his life but that all fell apart as I, the trusting Empath, thought they would do the 'right thing'. I think they just wanted my Father out of the way so they could claim and live in his house as they had to move out of their previous address. I feel I am on a slow road of recovery from this chaos as my sister has smeared me even as far as traveling to UK to tell her demented stories to my late Mother's sister who has stopped sending me birthday and Xmas cards for the first time last year.
Yes ... this is that Next Step for healing. After the understanding, after the blame, after the anger comes our role in this dysfunctional equation! Bring it on, Melanie!!
I am involved in a very abusive and narsasistic relationship that, over the years, has slowly destroyed my sense of self. I am a man and have struggled with admitting that this behavior from my partner could affect me the ways that it has and have felt like I should be tougher than this. This sounds weird but I recently accepted that I need help and found your channel while looking for some remedy for how debilitating it's all become and I have actually found just the sound of your voice as very therapeutic. Your words are so insightful but also just your tone and pace of speaking calms me down and helps me to re center my mind. I turn on your videos in the morning regardless of there being a conflict within my relationship or not and just have you speaking in the background while I make my breakfast and get ready for my day. I will put in headphones and just listen to you speak while my partner is lashing out and it keeps me from being angry and hurt. Thank you for simply being you! your perspectives really reset the way I view the problems within my relationship with my partner and came in clutch in saving my mind... To a degree that I even associate you're voice as something calming. Much like someone would take a pill for anxiety. Again thank you so much!
Thank you so much Mel. You've awakened me to the wounds in myself and taught me how to think about narcissists. I'm a 19 year old girl unlike most people here I have not been in a narcisistic love-couple relationship but I am forced to work with another 19 year old girl in my internship who made me feel awful at every turn and demonstrated every single criteria of being a narcissist. She made me feel so bad and did so many backstabbing things and I am a people pleaser and I trusted her and I find I've just been taken advantage of and I was so angry but your videos really opened my eyes and I think saved me from a very dangerous road I may have gone down. At a time where I feel incredibly stressed out from pressures from everyone around me and my feelings of inadequacy and need to please and really scared and fearful of deciding what I need to do in my life. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Thank you so much for putting captions on your video! Since June this year, there weren't any captions until now. Oh, thank you! Yes, I am Deaf and need these captions.
Hi, I just found your channel and Im addicted to watching them all. Im a codependent from an alcoholic father & abusive emotionally attached mother. Only after I finally decided to have enough respect to leave my Narcissist boyfriend 7 months ago was I able to determine I was indeed a co dependent and my ex husband and ex boyfriend were both Narcissist. I always gave at the expense of my wants & needs. What Im angry about in myself was I had gut feelings & red flags the entire time I was with both & still chose to move forward knowing I was getting less then I deserved. They are good salesmen to telling you what you want to hear to keep you around another day.I realized I was feeding an empty well. No matter how much I gave,it never was enough. Everyone who knows me tells me how beautiful & loving I am but If you dont love yourself,you believe thats all you deserve. The last amount of self respect I had was to walk out of the door of my marriage of 20yrs & then out of my relationship of 4 yrs. Im so afraid of attracting another narcissist,I dont trust myself to believe & act on the red flags. I feel doomed to repeat the cycle over & over. Narcissist are all about them, they make you feel never good enough despite giving & giving. You never feel safe to grow roots because they never give unconditional love or approval. Its just such a horrible thing. Am I destined to be alone? started to date again 2 weeks ago but Im too critical & closed off now to let anyone in
Hi T Carlson, it is really common for is to feel like 'our chooser is broken' and that we will be stuck in this pattern forever. I promise you though thats not true ... if we realise that we need to go on a relationship fast and work on our own healing and development. .. in other words to genuinely and authentically create the most important relationship of all ... the one with ourself. Then we will be able to show up in ways where we are no longer derailed by our young unhealed wounds. The real question is 'are we prepared to do that work or are we going to keep handing our power away hoping someone else will come along and fix us and love us?' The second choice unfortunately does cause more of the same. Xx
I'm a pro at self soothing. Nothing sucks more than sitting there breaking down telling yourself it's okay, while holding yourself. Just shows me the reality of how truly neglected I was.
Thank you Melanie, this has really helped me understand a lot about myself. My dad was an army sergeant and quite strict, as a result I grew up afraid to speak my mind for fear of punishment. I'm still the same now and realise this is why I was caught in the narcissists net so easily. I think the journaling is a good idea, I'm going to give it a go.
I loved this! It gets to the root of the problem AND solution. After the light dawned for me and I cut off contact, blocking the narc on WhatsApp... I received an email, saying that the cat missed me! and that he *deserved* an apology! Well the people pleaser has left the room! and I am now free! this all makes total sense...
This is so fantastic. You are explaining so clearly such deep and traumatised patterns. I love that you see a narc relp as a catalyst. For a long time I was so confused as to why I went into a second relationship with a narc, and that time I really got the message and was strong enough to end it. But you have beautifully put the whole experience into words, thank you! I know the difference now between living my beautiful life on my own terms.
I think I have finally found the key to what is going on in my life and the answer to my "why?"! I had been working my way through a very successful program of growth and I got stuck. What you are saying really resonates with me
Melanie I thank you so much for your sharing of the wisdom you have garnered after so much pain and sorrow.You are indeed a wonderful healer and for that I thank you! You are worth your weight in platinum my dear.I am going through psychological hell with a narcissist younger brother and a highly co-dependent mother who hasjust passed on age 90 yrs. Their relationship was totally unhealthy and I have landed smack dab in the midst of it having been living overseas for 34 years. I am currently operating on NO CONTACT but of course the sibling narcissist keepsreturning to try to hook me in. Your videos are invaluable. And did I say invaluable. I and a few of my narcissisticly abused girlfriends and a husband who is victim of two narcs (sisters) as clients ... are finding your videos and blogs of mightyimportance and REALLY HELPFUL. Be blessed ... many of us are not in a position to pay for support through the usual channels of psychologists, psychiatrists etc. and in point of fact, in my experience, most of them have not a proper clue about quanta anything - dismiss the very notion of it as phooey and so the suffering continues for many of us. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. (I am an Empath, HPS and PSYCHIC SPRITIRUAL MEDIUM - this helps me help others!)
Thank you so much! I've been so out of touch with myself that it became painful to interact with others. I felt like I had to fake it all the time. Has anyone ever felt that they got so good at "faking it" that they lost their identity? It's a painful truth I just realized. I get so uncomfortable when people ask me questions because I truly believe I'm the most boring person in the world at times. And I rather talk about them because they're so much more fascinating, well-travelled, talented, spontaneous, etc. I'm slowly learning to be more kind to myself. But it's so very hard when you're so used to getting other's approval.
Aww 847 cms I would love to help you with this!! If you would like to, I invite you to join me in the free 16 Recovery Course where you will receive everything I know on how to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse and 'giving your true self away', www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Love and blessings to you xoxox
GENIUS - powerful, you laid it out so beautifully - it is a deep, gentle work to take own self from patterns and protective surviving ways and devote the present space for the partnering to happen when looking into those insights - thank you I see me benefit greatly - it is my choice to therefore I am grateful
Thanks Melanie :) I've experienced varying degrees of narc abuse throughout my life and only stumbled across the term late last year. I watched one of your videos back then but wasn't ready to "hear" what you were saying. Then, on Sunday just passed, I locked in. I'm signing up for the NARP program and am ready to heal. Staying victimised and punishing myself isn't what I want for my life anymore. Your advice applies to everyone, to be honest... not just narc survivors. Anyone in pain can benefit. Thanks so much :) CP xx
Substantial insight... WOW! Very clear, articulate and healing. Great explanations and what it means to be 'self-honoring... self- partnering... self-compassionate. THANK YOU!
I am in the next phase of forgiveness in my life. Real forgiveness as define in A Course in Miracles. I have peeled off a lot of layers and asked within myself to see what is blocking me. I came across your videos. Your language is in step with A Course in Miracles. I am the daughter and ex wife of Narcissists. I can see you are about uncovering the darkness and letting it go. Ty.
+Lee CatalanoACourseinMiracles I said at the end of my own video today "where is my unforgiveness (dark thought) that has me reaching for relief." Can't wait to do your process.
My exboyfriend caused me great harm, I was left alone at a festival where I fainted and fell, hitting my face twice on the way down. He told me to go "walk it off, he did not show any empathy, my lip was cut open., I should have gone to the hospital, he found me 3 hours later, confused. I had post concussive syndrome, developed fybro, many arthritis conditions that have rendered me disabled now. I was a teacher during this time and worked for 20 years but struggled everyday to even go to work. I have post traumatic stress now and I really know he is evil. When I told him I saw him as a narc, he said he changed. People that hand out abuse and hate themselves will never change. Even though he is highly functioing in society, he is nothing but weak. he also choked me, kicked me, pushed me around the short time I lived with him. I have risen above him and am happy now.
Thank you very much, Melanie. You tell us very clearly all the things we deep down know but need to hear a hundred times to really get. Keep up the good work!
This is exactly what I have been thru and today I c my son making the same mistake first his father and now his wife! I am unable to make him realise! V painful indeed!
Thanks Mel appreciate this video I v gone N/C 6wks now ive been setting boundaries and turned inwards its been a painful experience but it all good...x
I am day 3 of another, this time hopefully final No Contact. It has been so painful, especially yesterday... Now I am scared to even talk to other men. Where's the hints how to detect narcs ONLINE? I seem to be an attraction to "nice" men. And yes, I am working with myself to heal this old toxic pattern of accepting the wrong men.
I had to watch this video 4 times to finally get slapped with the understanding of what is happening to me right now. I can laugh now but this last week as been hair pulling! Thank u mel!
Melanie you are very good meticulous and articulate, I love your knowledge, and I sm learning alot, but I have a hard time watching you cause you are,so damn beautiful I can't focus on what you are,saying even your voice mesmerized me lol, but thank you for your contribution I am a codependent man, chid of a narcisistic father and a borderline mother. even though I have a major crush on you I get allot of value from your knowledge. and for the record it is your character that puts the icing on the,cake. whats,funny is I was a physique competitor , model, and singer, succesful in my work, but always had the lowest self esteem. needing constant approval, masking myself in a masculine rugged, muscular exterior, I have grown alot . took 56 years but better late than. never.
I chose not to display my emotions as a child as my slightly older sister had mental illness and I didn't want to be anything like her. I only realised this consciously about 3 minutes ago whilst watching this video. The narc in my life (no contact now for two days and counting !!) used the "I told you my deepest feelings and I thought you would be happy and supportive of my realisation" when his "realisation" was something like that he could have sex with someone inappropriate and not feel guilty and he has now grown enough to be honest with me instead of hiding it, so what's wrong with me for not supporting him ?? So, I'd say "Yayy, this is great". Wow. I wondered why I wanted to please him and get his approval despite the boundaries he crossed...and now this video makes perfect sense. He's texted, messaged and emailed me 5 times since I started typing this but I haven't read them nor responded.
now 14. Do I block or just ignore ?? Does blocking him now actually let him know his messages are effecting me, even if just by making me remember he exists ?? I think it does. Anyone agree...disagree ??
Hi...I'm pleased to say "no" !! The texting and messages went on for a few days then stopped. Then about two weeks later he left a phone message asking if I still wanted (!!) to iron his shirts for work. He met someone which is when the messages stopped. I've been so productive with him out of my life. I used to spend so much time fixing his problems or trying to clear my head. I had a two day period where I was suddenly really tempted to message him...but I didn't...and since then I've gotten stronger every day. His comments still go round and round in my head. My confidence is still very low...and I'm suspicious of everyone's intentions. I'm taking extreme care of myself now. The best part is if I think something, I say or do it. No more walking on eggshells !!!
+T Evans wow I'm so proud of you! He just called to say he met someone.. Don't you want to warn his new supply?? I'm so proud of you I once did but he turned it against me and lied oh surprise!! She believed him! The flash backs are hard cuZ they carry emotions so painful and the cognitive dissident where he reframe a events that just happened he turns it around so subtly and blames me somehow it's uncanny how NPD does this so smoothly!! Yes my people pleaser does not want to be the scapegoat or doer of wrong becuz I know my feelings are correct! My mom never validated my feelings
If it wasn't for the new supply, I'd have him completely out of my mind. I worry about her. But in a way, that's also holding onto my relationship with him....thinking about telling her and how I could do it and when and what I would say etc. If I tell her and she tells him, he has an excuse to hound me again. If the opportunity arises, I will tell her though...but it will have to be anonymously, I guess.
The hard part for me was doubting whether the guy I was dating was a narcissist or was it all in my head? Because when dealing with me he had all the behaviours described in these videos and yet with others he was kind and calm most of the time. I would ask myself "Am I the most horrible, irritating girl in the world to make him react like that?" . It's really confusing with narcissists because they are all different people and will reveal their pathological traits in different ways.
I wonder as a people pleaser I’m forced to people please. And in case of pathological toxic people they are envious and jealous and that mean they suffer if I’m batter in some fields and if I have more in some areas. So, to please them and rescue them from suffering I’m coerced to self-sabotage to become less then they are, only after me becoming below them and they becoming bigger better than me my mission of people pleasing (suffering annihilation in people) is complete. And somehow I feel shame and guilt and fear if I refuse to self-sabotage in favor of cluster B people. Did anybody encounter something similar?
Suppressed feeli ngs and stored emotions have damaged my health so much ! It's crazy making and completely unnatural.Social species use emotions to communicate!
People treat us the way they treat themselves. I'm not buying into that whole "they treat you the way you treat you" bs. I don't treat myself like a toy.....or like an after thought. I am disciplined and focused in all I do. This theory after careful study is bogus. People that treated themselves better would treat others better. Why? Because you are happier, joyful, and so forth.
"People are not treating us in relation to how we treat them; People are treating us in relation how we treat OURSELVES!!!" The most incredible wake up!
Lies. People treat us the way they treat themselves.
That's amazing what you said - People don't treat you the way you treat them, people treat you how you treat yourself. I'm blown away :)
Mel, how do you manage to speak so many truths and so much wisdom in just over 22 minutes? Amazing! This resonates so much with me. My deeply unconscious, wounded parents responded to my childhood emotions in a completely age-inappropriate way. I was chastised for displaying ANY emotion, whether it be fear, pain, sadness, anger, pleasure or excitement because this was "naughty", and that good children were invisible. I can remember sitting on Dads knee and being told " Good little girls are so quiet that no-one knows where they are. You should be so quiet that Mum and I have to look everywhere for you, because we think you have run away" WTF? I spent a lot of time in hospital as a child, and would often be in pain and distress after surgery . I was told that it was naughty to cry, or "make a fuss". That, of course, led to me falsely believe that it was somehow brave and admirable to endure pain, whether physical or emotional. I was also terrified of being thought of as selfish. According to my parents, that was the worst crime ever. Yet now, I can see how selfish they were. They suppressed me in order to make their own lives easier and of course, it was how they had been parented. As an adult, I had to demonstrate to others how selfless I was. If someone accused me of being selfish, I had to prove them wrong, to show them that I was prepared to prioritise their needs over mine. My motto was " If Im nice and kind to others, they will reciprocate" Yeah right. Mel - I cant wait for the next episode! Much love dear lady xxx
+Sylvia Ann Wilkin thank you - and as always you too speak resounding and powerful truths that will fill in the gaps for so many people. I love your shares here! So wonderful sharing this journey with you as one of my "evolutionary sisters". Bless you xx
+Melanie Tonia Evans - Apparently I am 5 years old and the pain is in my chest. I have a vivid memory of what makes me feel such insecurity. It was very helpful, thankful.
That sounds pretty much like mine...sorry for you.We are strong resilient persons though! Blessings and wish you a full recover
Sylvia Ann Wilkin
Dear Sylvia, why are you writing about my life story
Thank you Mel! You have lifted pain from my heart today. You have given me permission to be who I have always wanted to be but feared the consequences. Typical background of alcoholic parents who clamped down on any feelings in the home. Unfortunately, during a brutal divorce from a diagnosed BPD/NPD and sexual predator, I lost my adult children and grandchildren. When I went out of character and began to speak the truth (because I was called a liar) my children didn't like the new mom. They still wanted 'perky mom'. So when I finally spoke the truth for the first time in my life, I paid a huge price. I was put into the land of the living dead. Total estrangement. I know I did the right thing but I am having trouble coping with the aftermath. Again, thank you for all the right words I so very much needed to hear!
+Gigi ~ I have been where you are now, with my adult children. I want to offer you an option to consider. Because they were not used to ever hearing the word "No", it came as a mighty shock to them to even consider that I was not put on this earth solely for their needs. And to be honest, I think I was pretty confused about that as well. So when the time came for me to grow away from that enabling behavior, they hated me. And said so. I died a little every day during that estrangement. And then I decided to put all that angst to better use. I purchased a book called "Prayers for Prodigals" and I prayed those prayers over my two son's EVERY morning. Not for me...for them. And the weirdest thing happened. I got stronger. I got clearer. And most importantly, I was given PEACE over the issue. Then slowly, they both started calling me again and then we shared a few outings. Then we started working on our issues together. Today we are closer than ever before. Prayer works. May you and your 's be healed.
Almost had a moment of weakness and wanted to text my ex narcissist after two months of no contact . Then I had two notifications from support groups, from you and Dana. I will take that as a sign. Thank you; you are helping me heal!
+Kevin kavanagh ...keep stong!!! you CAN do it and the feeling will pass like all feelings!!! she isn't worth your attention.....xo
Thank you so much Melanie. You are so calming and explain everything so well. We are lucky having people like you, talking about this and helping us to heal.
You are truly incredible. It seems you are supernatural. I am on a path that you see from above. You are truly a gift to all you touch. I will uplevel these wounds, I will I will, I will.
My pain is turning into fascination.
Really Mel. I realized through this video that giving away everything that is me to others for more years than I care to imagine is what caused me to completely lose touch with the reality that is my very soul. Where was I. An empty shell with no returns for my efforts. No more! I love you and God bless you. Helen, xxx
+H Bruce Much love and blessing to you too Helen xxx
+H Bruce What are you doing to heal? I want to learn it from people who have actually gone through real-life scenarios. Thanks in advance.
+Drake Drones I am in a situation where I still have to live with my Narc husband so I had to create a no contact rule and lay out clear boundaries as to what is acceptable to me and what is not. My tools for doing this was to not sleep in the same room with him, whatever needed to be spoken was reduced to yes or no answers, not showing any reaction to whatever he said to me. Also doing the Narp program and Quanta healing has taken me to a place where I am not hurting anymore because I have learned how to love who I am. I hope that helps to some degree and good luck.
Melanie. You are amazing. You teach me to love and accept and connect with myself. I am very grateful to you thank you sharing your light and truth with the world.
Wow. Just wow... For the first time in my life, someone has described my father's behaviour, without being fooled by him. And after years of searching, in you, I've finally found someone with an understanding of the affects a narcissistic parent has on a child. What a breath of fresh air you are, Melanie! I always knew a big part of me was a very damaged, helpless child. And you mention it here! Omg. Finally... Now I know how to address this. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.
Thanks for this Mel. It really made me think about my NARC sister who is 11 years older than me and was made to be my "second mother" as my true (preferred) mother had to work long hours and so NARC sister was made to look after me by my Sociopathic Father (who died last year and my N-sister is still living in the family home even though it has been sold to new foreign owners who are awaiting building approval). N-sister is a chronic hoarder and the property looks and smells like a hovel. That is how she has always lived and mostly with her 42 year old son, who never pays any rent towards living with his mother (entitlement and another sociopathic narc??). They told me they would look after my father in the last year of his life but that all fell apart as I, the trusting Empath, thought they would do the 'right thing'. I think they just wanted my Father out of the way so they could claim and live in his house as they had to move out of their previous address. I feel I am on a slow road of recovery from this chaos as my sister has smeared me even as far as traveling to UK to tell her demented stories to my late Mother's sister who has stopped sending me birthday and Xmas cards for the first time last year.
Yes ... this is that Next Step for healing. After the understanding, after the blame, after the anger comes our role in this dysfunctional equation! Bring it on, Melanie!!
This people pleasing has greatly affected me in every aspect of my life and I will be digging in deep!
Thank you Melanie!
My pleasure Blakkat xx
I am involved in a very abusive and narsasistic relationship that, over the years, has slowly destroyed my sense of self. I am a man and have struggled with admitting that this behavior from my partner could affect me the ways that it has and have felt like I should be tougher than this. This sounds weird but I recently accepted that I need help and found your channel while looking for some remedy for how debilitating it's all become and I have actually found just the sound of your voice as very therapeutic. Your words are so insightful but also just your tone and pace of speaking calms me down and helps me to re center my mind. I turn on your videos in the morning regardless of there being a conflict within my relationship or not and just have you speaking in the background while I make my breakfast and get ready for my day. I will put in headphones and just listen to you speak while my partner is lashing out and it keeps me from being angry and hurt.
Thank you for simply being you! your perspectives really reset the way I view the problems within my relationship with my partner and came in clutch in saving my mind... To a degree that I even associate you're voice as something calming. Much like someone would take a pill for anxiety.
Again thank you so much!
Thank you so much Mel. You've awakened me to the wounds in myself and taught me how to think about narcissists. I'm a 19 year old girl unlike most people here I have not been in a narcisistic love-couple relationship but I am forced to work with another 19 year old girl in my internship who made me feel awful at every turn and demonstrated every single criteria of being a narcissist. She made me feel so bad and did so many backstabbing things and I am a people pleaser and I trusted her and I find I've just been taken advantage of and I was so angry but your videos really opened my eyes and I think saved me from a very dangerous road I may have gone down. At a time where I feel incredibly stressed out from pressures from everyone around me and my feelings of inadequacy and need to please and really scared and fearful of deciding what I need to do in my life. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Thank you so much for putting captions on your video! Since June this year, there weren't any captions until now. Oh, thank you! Yes, I am Deaf and need these captions.
Melanie this has been such a help. You are a God-sent woman. Thank you so much. God Bless You!!!!
Hi, I just found your channel and Im addicted to watching them all. Im a codependent from an alcoholic father & abusive emotionally attached mother. Only after I finally decided to have enough respect to leave my Narcissist boyfriend 7 months ago was I able to determine I was indeed a co dependent and my ex husband and ex boyfriend were both Narcissist. I always gave at the expense of my wants & needs. What Im angry about in myself was I had gut feelings & red flags the entire time I was with both & still chose to move forward knowing I was getting less then I deserved. They are good salesmen to telling you what you want to hear to keep you around another day.I realized I was feeding an empty well. No matter how much I gave,it never was enough. Everyone who knows me tells me how beautiful & loving I am but If you dont love yourself,you believe thats all you deserve. The last amount of self respect I had was to walk out of the door of my marriage of 20yrs & then out of my relationship of 4 yrs. Im so afraid of attracting another narcissist,I dont trust myself to believe & act on the red flags. I feel doomed to repeat the cycle over & over. Narcissist are all about them, they make you feel never good enough despite giving & giving. You never feel safe to grow roots because they never give unconditional love or approval. Its just such a horrible thing. Am I destined to be alone? started to date again 2 weeks ago but Im too critical & closed off now to let anyone in
Hi T Carlson, it is really common for is to feel like 'our chooser is broken' and that we will be stuck in this pattern forever. I promise you though thats not true ... if we realise that we need to go on a relationship fast and work on our own healing and development. .. in other words to genuinely and authentically create the most important relationship of all ... the one with ourself. Then we will be able to show up in ways where we are no longer derailed by our young unhealed wounds. The real question is 'are we prepared to do that work or are we going to keep handing our power away hoping someone else will come along and fix us and love us?' The second choice unfortunately does cause more of the same. Xx
I'm a pro at self soothing. Nothing sucks more than sitting there breaking down telling yourself it's okay, while holding yourself. Just shows me the reality of how truly neglected I was.
Thank you Melanie, this has really helped me understand a lot about myself. My dad was an army sergeant and quite strict, as a result I grew up afraid to speak my mind for fear of punishment. I'm still the same now and realise this is why I was caught in the narcissists net so easily. I think the journaling is a good idea, I'm going to give it a go.
This really spoke to me and came at a necessary time -- blessings and thanks to you! And, love your gorgeous hair !!
I loved this! It gets to the root of the problem AND solution. After the light dawned for me and I cut off contact, blocking the narc on WhatsApp... I received an email, saying that the cat missed me! and that he *deserved* an apology! Well the people pleaser has left the room! and I am now free! this all makes total sense...
I bookmarked this. A gift.
This is so fantastic. You are explaining so clearly such deep and traumatised patterns. I love that you see a narc relp as a catalyst. For a long time I was so confused as to why I went into a second relationship with a narc, and that time I really got the message and was strong enough to end it. But you have beautifully put the whole experience into words, thank you! I know the difference now between living my beautiful life on my own terms.
I think I have finally found the key to what is going on in my life and the answer to my "why?"!
I had been working my way through a very successful program of growth and I got stuck.
What you are saying really resonates with me
Melanie I thank you so much for your sharing of the wisdom you have garnered after so much pain and sorrow.You are indeed a wonderful healer and for that I thank you! You are worth your weight in platinum my dear.I am going through psychological hell with a narcissist younger brother and a highly co-dependent mother who hasjust passed on age 90 yrs. Their relationship was totally unhealthy and I have landed smack dab in the midst of it having been living overseas for 34 years. I am currently operating on NO CONTACT but of course the sibling narcissist keepsreturning to try to hook me in. Your videos are invaluable. And did I say invaluable. I and a few of my narcissisticly abused girlfriends and a husband who is victim of two narcs (sisters) as clients ... are finding your videos and blogs of mightyimportance and REALLY HELPFUL. Be blessed ... many of us are not in a position to pay for support through the usual channels of psychologists, psychiatrists etc. and in point of fact, in my experience, most of them have not a proper clue about quanta anything - dismiss the very notion of it as phooey and so the suffering continues for many of us. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. (I am an Empath, HPS and PSYCHIC SPRITIRUAL MEDIUM - this helps me help others!)
+Mary Boorman Sorry for the typos. HSP (highly sensitive person). :::SmileS:::
+Mary Boorman Bless and I am so pleased my material is helping you and others dear one ... xxxx
Very helpful!!..great insights and clear explanation of the roots of why we attract narcissists and how to stop the process and heal.
Thank you so much! I've been so out of touch with myself that it became painful to interact with others. I felt like I had to fake it all the time. Has anyone ever felt that they got so good at "faking it" that they lost their identity? It's a painful truth I just realized. I get so uncomfortable when people ask me questions because I truly believe I'm the most boring person in the world at times. And I rather talk about them because they're so much more fascinating, well-travelled, talented, spontaneous, etc. I'm slowly learning to be more kind to myself. But it's so very hard when you're so used to getting other's approval.
Aww 847 cms I would love to help you with this!! If you would like to, I invite you to join me in the free 16 Recovery Course where you will receive everything I know on how to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse and 'giving your true self away',
www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Love and blessings to you xoxox
GENIUS - powerful, you laid it out so beautifully - it is a deep, gentle work to take own self from patterns and protective surviving ways and devote the present space for the partnering to happen when looking into those insights - thank you I see me benefit greatly - it is my choice to therefore I am grateful
I've been healing for years now and this is a great video.
Thanks Melanie :) I've experienced varying degrees of narc abuse throughout my life and only stumbled across the term late last year. I watched one of your videos back then but wasn't ready to "hear" what you were saying. Then, on Sunday just passed, I locked in. I'm signing up for the NARP program and am ready to heal. Staying victimised and punishing myself isn't what I want for my life anymore. Your advice applies to everyone, to be honest... not just narc survivors. Anyone in pain can benefit. Thanks so much :) CP xx
Substantial insight... WOW! Very clear, articulate and healing. Great explanations and what it means to be 'self-honoring... self- partnering... self-compassionate. THANK YOU!
I wanted to say thank you... Your videos have helped me immensely with struggles of a lifetime thank you thank you
I am in the next phase of forgiveness in my life. Real forgiveness as define in A Course in Miracles. I have peeled off a lot of layers and asked within myself to see what is blocking me. I came across your videos. Your language is in step with A Course in Miracles. I am the daughter and ex wife of Narcissists. I can see you are about uncovering the darkness and letting it go. Ty.
+Lee CatalanoACourseinMiracles I said at the end of my own video today "where is my unforgiveness (dark thought) that has me reaching for relief." Can't wait to do your process.
My exboyfriend caused me great harm, I was left alone at a festival where I fainted and fell, hitting my face twice on the way down. He told me to go "walk it off, he did not show any empathy, my lip was cut open., I should have gone to the hospital, he found me 3 hours later, confused. I had post concussive syndrome, developed fybro, many arthritis conditions that have rendered me disabled now. I was a teacher during this time and worked for 20 years but struggled everyday to even go to work. I have post traumatic stress now and I really know he is evil. When I told him I saw him as a narc, he said he changed. People that hand out abuse and hate themselves will never change. Even though he is highly functioing in society, he is nothing but weak. he also choked me, kicked me, pushed me around the short time I lived with him. I have risen above him and am happy now.
Thank you Mel...excellent!
+Kevin Whitley you are so welcome xx
Very helpful, and much needed, thank you
Powerful...powerful...powerful!!
Awesome as always, Mel - Thanks!
this message came just in time, this is the issue I'm currently having.
God bless u Melanie.. .thank u for your videos I appreciate your insight y experience...Merry Christmas!!! Peace...
Stacey you are so welcome and Merry Christmas to you too xx
Excellent video, so important
Awesome video. Great teacher.
Thank you very much, Melanie. You tell us very clearly all the things we deep down know but need to hear a hundred times to really get. Keep up the good work!
so wise-so helpful-thanks for video-
Love the words: ...but, if you don't get it, SO BE IT. WHO CARES?!! So empowering, so freeing!
Thank you mel you are going to help me so much in dealing with my ex husband who I am forced to have a relationship with because of young children x
+Jenny Griggs nee Hall I am so pleased!! Bless xx
Same situation take care!
This is exactly what I have been thru and today I c my son making the same mistake first his father and now his wife! I am unable to make him realise! V painful indeed!
Thanks Mel appreciate this video I v gone N/C 6wks now ive been setting boundaries and turned inwards its been a painful experience but it all good...x
Excellent. Thank you x
Wow, the bible even says to love yourself before you can even love others. Melanie, you just woke something up in me, thanks!!!
+Glen Morse that is so wonderful - you are totally welcome. x
I am day 3 of another, this time hopefully final No Contact. It has been so painful, especially yesterday... Now I am scared to even talk to other men. Where's the hints how to detect narcs ONLINE? I seem to be an attraction to "nice" men. And yes, I am working with myself to heal this old toxic pattern of accepting the wrong men.
I had to watch this video 4 times to finally get slapped with the understanding of what is happening to me right now. I can laugh now but this last week as been hair pulling! Thank u mel!
My pleasure d nguyen xoxox
Melanie you are very good meticulous and articulate, I love your knowledge, and I sm learning alot, but I have a hard time watching you cause you are,so damn beautiful I can't focus on what you are,saying even your voice mesmerized me lol, but thank you for your contribution I am a codependent man, chid of a narcisistic father and a borderline mother. even though I have a major crush on you I get allot of value from your knowledge. and for the record it is your character that puts the icing on the,cake. whats,funny is I was a physique competitor , model, and singer, succesful in my work, but always had the lowest self esteem. needing constant approval, masking myself in a masculine rugged, muscular exterior, I have grown alot . took 56 years but better late than. never.
thanks Melanie your a wonderful person love ya
+Steve Pacheco You are so welcome! x
excellent, thank you
I chose not to display my emotions as a child as my slightly older sister had mental illness and I didn't want to be anything like her. I only realised this consciously about 3 minutes ago whilst watching this video. The narc in my life (no contact now for two days and counting !!) used the "I told you my deepest feelings and I thought you would be happy and supportive of my realisation" when his "realisation" was something like that he could have sex with someone inappropriate and not feel guilty and he has now grown enough to be honest with me instead of hiding it, so what's wrong with me for not supporting him ?? So, I'd say "Yayy, this is great". Wow. I wondered why I wanted to please him and get his approval despite the boundaries he crossed...and now this video makes perfect sense. He's texted, messaged and emailed me 5 times since I started typing this but I haven't read them nor responded.
now 14. Do I block or just ignore ?? Does blocking him now actually let him know his messages are effecting me, even if just by making me remember he exists ?? I think it does. Anyone agree...disagree ??
How is it going? Sis he get you back??
Hi...I'm pleased to say "no" !! The texting and messages went on for a few days then stopped. Then about two weeks later he left a phone message asking if I still wanted (!!) to iron his shirts for work. He met someone which is when the messages stopped. I've been so productive with him out of my life. I used to spend so much time fixing his problems or trying to clear my head. I had a two day period where I was suddenly really tempted to message him...but I didn't...and since then I've gotten stronger every day. His comments still go round and round in my head. My confidence is still very low...and I'm suspicious of everyone's intentions. I'm taking extreme care of myself now. The best part is if I think something, I say or do it. No more walking on eggshells !!!
+T Evans wow I'm so proud of you! He just called to say he met someone.. Don't you want to warn his new supply?? I'm so proud of you I once did but he turned it against me and lied oh surprise!! She believed him! The flash backs are hard cuZ they carry emotions so painful and the cognitive dissident where he reframe a events that just happened he turns it around so subtly and blames me somehow it's uncanny how NPD does this so smoothly!! Yes my people pleaser does not want to be the scapegoat or doer of wrong becuz I know my feelings are correct! My mom never validated my feelings
If it wasn't for the new supply, I'd have him completely out of my mind. I worry about her. But in a way, that's also holding onto my relationship with him....thinking about telling her and how I could do it and when and what I would say etc. If I tell her and she tells him, he has an excuse to hound me again. If the opportunity arises, I will tell her though...but it will have to be anonymously, I guess.
Amazing video. Thank you so much. :')
The hard part for me was doubting whether the guy I was dating was a narcissist or was it all in my head? Because when dealing with me he had all the behaviours described in these videos and yet with others he was kind and calm most of the time. I would ask myself "Am I the most horrible, irritating girl in the world to make him react like that?" . It's really confusing with narcissists because they are all different people and will reveal their pathological traits in different ways.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you ❤️
All over my body...age 2...my mom wasnt able to deal with her own emotions and was hysterical.. so couldnt deal with mine.
Thanks for the information maybe I will survive the last encounter regards Marcus bx
I wonder as a people pleaser I’m forced to people please. And in case of pathological toxic people they are envious and jealous and that mean they suffer if I’m batter in some fields and if I have more in some areas. So, to please them and rescue them from suffering I’m coerced to self-sabotage to become less then they are, only after me becoming below them and they becoming bigger better than me my mission of people pleasing (suffering annihilation in people) is complete. And somehow I feel shame and guilt and fear if I refuse to self-sabotage in favor of cluster B people.
Did anybody encounter something similar?
People treat us the way we treat ourselves
Suppressed feeli ngs and stored emotions have damaged my health so much ! It's crazy making and completely unnatural.Social species use emotions to communicate!
Love it
Amazing
Putting others before yourself.
Clarify things clearly makes you safe . Those sentences around it will make you dizzy trying to intellectualize it
I asked myself how old I am and I'm nine, lol xX
have you ever come across a narcissist that has actually MODELLED themselves on a people pleaser....?? it seems they themselves can be both....
YOUR INTRO MUSIC IS WAY TO LOUD!!!!!!
she is saying its because of bad parenting .welcome to the single mother society we have created.
😘😘
People treat us the way they treat themselves. I'm not buying into that whole "they treat you the way you treat you" bs. I don't treat myself like a toy.....or like an after thought. I am disciplined and focused in all I do. This theory after careful study is bogus. People that treated themselves better would treat others better. Why? Because you are happier, joyful, and so forth.
777 likes! :)
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