RSD is overwhelming to the point of feeling suicidal. Trust and a sense of safety in the relationship is so important! WOW a therapist who really really understands ADHD, in all the years I've never come across someone so well informed. Can you please, please be my therapist, pretty please! 🙏 Seriously though I wish there were alot more people like you.
I would love to hear about couples where both partners have ADHD/ ND. Iam in a couple like this and it comes with a lot at benefits and understanding but also with a lot of difficulty’s. Would love to hear an expert speak about it ❤❤❤.
I'm autistic and always have communication issues with my ADHD partner, I need long explanations with lots of context and he likes to spring information on me with no context whatsoever when I'm in the middle of thinking about something else, add delayed processing on and important conversations can be painful, especially when my questioning is taken as being argumentative
I feel with you. I am the one with adhd in my relationship with an audhd and it has taken me a while to learn to respect the slow processing speed. Likewise, as she describes in the interview, my RSD is the source of many conflicts. We are on our 21st year together and still very much in love, so it is doable. But it takes a lot of sense of humor and regularly reminding ourselves of everything that we are and can do, instead of focusing on what we are not and can't do.
they discussed how neurotypical partner can become resentful when taking too much on and how important it is to have knowledge and compassion but I would have liked to hear more about how does this help with the task/mental load? maybe I missed something
Okay, I'm confused,,,,,!!!!,,,, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 23, for 20 years now. I know I'm reactive and sensitive, I tend to notice it before my "neurotypical" partner, I insist I remove myself before I say something that I'm going to regret, I feel absolutely terrible, typically very hurt, but I know I've saved her from having to listen to me say something dumb and I know I'll likely completely forget what upset me so bad in about 10 minutes (as long as she doesn't keep picking.) I've been doing this for a long time, so that makes sense. However as I'm listening to the signs of a neurodiverse versus a neurotypical partner every time you said the neurodiverse partner is like this... you described my significant other. Every time you said the neurotypical partner does this or that, you described me😮 so does this mean that my years of experience of getting myself together have caused me to be more neurotypical than my neuro unknown partner (I've seen so many things that tell me she's not neurotypical😂) I know in a lot of ways I am the one pulling away. If we have something on the calendar she's likely to, at the last minute, say she doesn't want to go, even though she knows I've been looking forward to it. I'm the one that is very capable, I can stay on top of the bills really easily and have to remind her to put money in the joint account when they are due. Wait a minute, never mind, the one who's been "adultized" early, yeah that's also me😮 we're definitely together because she can do the dishes and plan a vacation, I cannot! I am also definitely the one to do research, she's the one to bring to home new and interesting things😂
The non-ADHD/neurodivergent partner isn’t always the regulated one. My partner is frequently angry, and I often don’t even know why. I also do most of the household management as the neurodivergent. I still end up feeling like the inferior one. For example, being someone that has a hard time waking up early and getting to appointments on time, I am openly disparaged by my spouse. Since late diagnosis, I’m learning to reframe these differences as valid. If I had to describe how my partner feels about me, it would be annoyed and infuriated.
I wanted to tell you that my ADHD partner was in a marriage where his neurotypical wife was frequently angry and explosive, and it wrecked his health. He finally left after 14 years, 2 kids, and (her) affairs later, and it has been the most healing, life-altering decision for him. I'm wishing you courage to do whatever you need to have a peaceful life with a loving partner. ❤️
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. People with adhd are more likely to end up in toxic relationships bc they overassume blame (think that they're the problem, not the partner).
Thank you SO much for this conversation! I am learning now how to takę positives from my neurodiversity rather than masking and adjusting. Hearing such nice words about ADHD makes me feel stronger.
I really wish I'd found out I was ND and had seen this video 20 years ago before my marriage failed 😢 I'm in a fantastic relationship now, but I wish I hadn't lost what I had first time around 😢
🎯 Key points for quick navigation: 00:00:00 *💔 High Divorce Rates Among ADHD Couples* - Discusses the high divorce rates (66%) among ADHD couples, - Karen Doherty offers three essential tips for maintaining a marriage with a neurodivergent partner, - Emphasizes the need for balanced communication and autonomy within relationships. 00:02:18 *🔄 Merging and Intensity in Neurodiverse Relationships* - Describes the intense and often merging nature of neurodiverse relationships, - Highlights how early-stage passion can sometimes be mistaken for love, - Explains that long-term merging can cause strain, especially when external factors (e.g., a child) are introduced. 00:04:24 *🗣️ Communication Challenges in Neurodiverse Relationships* - Discusses common communication issues between neurodiverse and neurotypical partners, - Explores the impact of emotional triggers and misunderstandings, - Provides a practical example of a typical miscommunication scenario. 00:06:17 *🌪️ Emotional Dysregulation in ADHD Relationships* - Explains the challenge of emotional dysregulation in ADHD relationships, - Discusses how overstimulation and sensory overload can lead to conflicts, - Suggests tools like time-outs and codes to manage emotional dysregulation. 00:08:21 *😥 Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in ADHD* - Focuses on the prevalence and impact of RSD in ADHD relationships, - Explains how RSD can lead to severe emotional reactions and misunderstandings, - Recommends open communication and mutual understanding to manage RSD. 00:10:30 *🛑 Managing Emotional Dysregulation and Triggers* - Discusses techniques for managing RSD and emotional triggers, - Highlights the importance of developing signals and codes to prevent escalations, - Suggests that partners can often sense emotional dysregulation before it happens. 00:12:18 *🚨 Avoiding Impulsive Reactions in Conflicts* - Advises on avoiding impulsive reactions that could lead to major decisions like breakups, - Discusses the importance of time and space to calm down after an emotional trigger, - Mentions the challenge of guilt and shame following emotionally charged conflicts. 00:15:00 *🌍 Understanding Triggers and Taking Responsibility* - Explores the role of trauma and past experiences in triggering emotional responses, - Emphasizes the need for couples to take responsibility for managing their triggers, - Stresses the importance of understanding and communicating triggers. 00:16:36 *🌟 Success Stories in ADHD Relationships* - Identifies common traits in successful ADHD relationships, - Explains that mutual willingness to learn and work on the relationship is crucial, - Discusses the challenges of overcoming long-term patterns of resentment. 00:18:08 *🕵️♂️ Challenges of Infidelity and Cheating* - Considers the prevalence of infidelity in ADHD relationships, - Discusses potential factors contributing to cheating, such as a need for stimulation, - Notes that infidelity can arise from various relationship issues, not just ADHD traits. 00:19:15 *🚫 Identifying and Stopping Harmful Relationship Patterns* - Describes common patterns that lead to conflicts in ADHD relationships, - Highlights the importance of external help and therapy in breaking vicious cycles, - Discusses the potential harm to children and overall life quality due to these patterns. 00:21:01 *🤝 Lack of Intimacy and Emotional Reciprocity* - Discusses the issue of lacking intimacy and emotional connection in neurodiverse relationships, - Explains how neurotypical partners may feel lonely due to the self-sufficient nature of neurodiverse partners, - Notes that the absence of emotional reciprocity is a primary issue in these relationships. 22:21 *🗓️ Managing Differences in Planning and Expectations* - Discusses conflicts arising when an ADHD partner is not up for planned activities, - Emphasizes the need for compromise to avoid relationship rifts, - Mentions the parent-child dynamic that can develop in these relationships. 23:01 *🧩 Couple Fit in Neurodiverse Relationships* - Explores how neurodiverse individuals often pair with capable, organized partners, - Describes the potential vulnerabilities and complementary strengths in these pairings, - Notes how resentment can build when one partner feels overloaded. 24:54 *🧠 Signs of Overwhelm vs. Laziness* - Distinguishes between signs of genuine overwhelm and perceived laziness, - Stresses the importance of understanding and recognizing signs of overwhelm, - Advocates for knowledge, compassion, and communication in these situations. 27:37 *🎭 Masking and Authenticity in Early Relationships* - Discusses the impact of masking behaviors during early dating stages, - Highlights the challenges for neurodivergent individuals in showing their true selves, - Emphasizes that authenticity early on leads to better communication. 29:12 *💔 Building Confidence and Core Self in Neurodivergent Individuals* - Explains the impact of negative experiences on self-confidence, - Suggests that awareness and acceptance of neurodiversity are improving, - Encourages authentic self-expression as a key to healthy relationships. 30:36 *🏠 Challenges of Living with ADHD Partners* - Acknowledges both the challenges and positives of living with an ADHD partner, - Describes the highs and lows in a neurodiverse relationship, - Suggests education, strategies, and knowledge to mitigate challenges. 32:28 *❤️ Balancing Positives and Negatives in ADHD Relationships* - Highlights the loyalty and deep emotional connections typical in ADHD relationships, - Emphasizes managing the negatives while appreciating the positives, - Describes the need for balance and understanding in the relationship. 33:35 *🔄 Reigniting Excitement in Long-Term ADHD Relationships* - Discusses strategies for reigniting excitement and joy in long-term relationships, - Mentions the need for creativity and joint projects to combat boredom, - Highlights the importance of communication regarding stimulation needs. 35:00 *📣 The Role of Communication in Relationship Health* - Asserts communication as the fundamental basis of a healthy relationship, - Advises openly discussing feelings of boredom or lack of stimulation, - Encourages proactive communication to maintain relationship balance. 36:22 *🧵 Understanding Needs of ADHD Women in Relationships* - Describes the complex needs of ADHD women in relationships, - Highlights the importance of stability, communication, and security, - Emphasizes individual needs beyond just the ADHD diagnosis. 38:11 *🔍 Dual Approach to Neurodiverse Couple Therapy* - Explains the dual approach of classical and behavioral therapy in treating couples, - Focuses first on immediate behavioral challenges and conflicts, - Then addresses underlying psychodynamic histories and family influences. 39:48 *🛠️ Three Tips for Sustaining a Marriage* - Offers three tips: communication, maintaining autonomy, and having fun, - Emphasizes the balance between dependence and independence, - Highlights the importance of humor and enjoyment in sustaining relationships. 40:31 *🌟 Positive Contributions of Neurodivergent Partners* - Describes the constant novelty and stimulation they bring, - Emphasizes the authenticity and passion typical of neurodivergent individuals, - Highlights their unique ability to create dynamic and engaging relationships. Made with HARPA AI
I am a 56 y.o. male with both parts very hyper and very impulsive and nothing is gonna change that. I feel that the Hearst thing is that we feel completely Misunderstood. Our whole lives and people still don’t understand us. We go from Hero to Zero in one remark. We lost before we start anything, period. Really sucks knowing that. Life don’t get easier with ADHD, so for me living alone is perfect. Aloha from Tennessee
What gets to me is that in my relationship my partner has BPD and I have ADHD, and I try very hard to keep in mind of the things that he needs for his BPD but he constantly tells me that my ADHD is an excuse and isn't actually a thing. So suddenly I'm the one doing all the chores, all the bills, all the cooking, and giving him the help he wants and needs, but then my side of things get pushed away before he thinks that adhd isn't real. Then he tells me that he was tested for it so he knows what it is but that it isn't anything and doesn't impact me at all. But then on the flip side is that his sister is my best friend she has BPD and ADHD and we get along great and can point out or pick up on things in seconds and often before the other realizes that its happening.
I’ve been divorced twice , It was like a switch flicked off and it became a task after the wedding .. I felt I was weird and I’ve questioned it all ever since until my recent realisation that I have adhd
@25:45 WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY IT’S TOO LATE?!?!?!? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY THEY HOPE THE COUPLE COMES IN BEFORE THAT POINT!?!?!? With God all things are possible. Why can’t they ever say there is a glimmer of hope?!?!? They have to go and ruin a good sound bite by making this an absolute statement.
What a brilliantly thought out discussion. Loved this, and honestly made me realise and see some issues Iv had in the past as been because of issues spoken about within the video
What about when both are neurodivergent and one is worse than the other? We need some intel around this. My husband has not been diagnosed, I have been. He has a lot of childhood trauma and wouldn’t be shocked if he’s both high functioning ASD and ADHD.
Why is he not diagnosed? If he doesnt love you enough to at least find out, then does he even love you at all? And if he has had trauma, he owes it to himself and to his marriage vows (to love you) to get help. If he does not want to change and heal and grow up, then he is choosing to stay a child and use you as a mothering slave, which is not a marriage. I know we do not like change.. but sometimes it is necessary.
@@Plethorality no one mentioned him being mothered and being assessed is his choice and love isn't involved in it so don't make remarks you know nothing on.
@@Plethorality That's some heavy judgement going on there. You don't know anything about them to say all these things. Depending on which country they live in and/or their current circumstances, they might not be able to afford therapy or even a diagnosis. Not everyone is so privileged to just be able to go to a therapist. Just as an example, in my country it's quite difficult to get the ADHD diagnosis as an adult and ADHD meds are not allowed for adults too. Therapy is not free either, especially therapists for ND are all fully paid out of your private pocket. Also nowhere in the comment does it say that the husband is using his wife as a mothering slave. You just basically made up your mind out of nothing.
I am lucky enough to be married to someone who allows me to ask clarifying questions when I am experiencing RSD. Unfortunately, because I didn’t know what it was, it took us a couple years to get to this place, but it is a game changer. That only can I ask him clarifying questions, but I’ll tell him it feels like he’s lying, and he will elaborate on what he really means
I noticed it immediately. It’s a little too much DOAC for me… I like this podcast say it is, for its uniqueness-it does not need to copy the highly calculated algorithm shenanigans of Steven Bartlett and team 😅 I get why ADHD chatter might feel the need though to strive for the perfect intro, thumbnail and more views and subs, of course.
Iv spent the last 2 years researching and recently become aware I suffer either Misophonia or hyperacusis because my brain synchronises and reorganises my Fonotopic auditory pathway. I found this out listening to tripple layered music. The third songs background music which gets amplified out together and moved
Anyone have this - I think I chose my partner because of his traits, and now teasing and listening about ADHD and looking at how we were as children I think we both might have ADHD. We are in our 40's with nieces and nephews on both sides with full ADHD diagnoses 😮. I think the things we do would have caused a divorce if we were with neurotypicals, but those traits are what keep us stronger and together. ❤
I really appreciate this program, but it seems like having two people in the relationship that are both strongly but differently ADHD and / or on the Spectrum is not addressed.
Some coach (not in english) said he learned...men do a mistake that they talk to women like talking to a man, or they treat woman as she is a man. But women see world through different "optic" than men, because they are not men, women have different fears than men, different body, different hormones. Men say they didnt have a role model in family to find out how to treat woman, but as soon as they learn to experience true relationship they realize its wonderful and women can be very wonderful, because women also try to learn from their own mistakes how to talk to a good man, but it takes also respect to woman and build his own confidence etc.....because if woman changes for better and grows mentally emotionally, learns new things then she will not want ordinary guy who isnt working on his confidence and build himself up emotionally etc. He has to be strong emotionally and be confident guy....because she may have other problems in life, that she tries to solve by herself, her health, family values, children etc. and if he trows his emotional instability from his bad childhood at her.... she feels overhelmed unhappy, because she wants strong role model and his strength motivates her to work on herself more, his energy boosts her energy.. his charisma boosts her charisma... she wants someone who talks the talk, and walks the talk, so she may easily overcame her things, by herself, because she feel the energy comming from him, She feels his happiness, so its easier for her to solve her things. and also man who is learning and working on himself, how to treat woman, he will not want woman who is not working on her learning skills.
I agree. I found the intro stressful. Like the Mr Beastification of YT, we're seeing the DOACification of podcasts. This was an amazing episode, thank you!! Learned so much from Karen. I love the podcast, but I prefer the calmer intros. I understand trying different editing styles!
Kinda liked the older ones where Alex just gets straight into it. Doesn't even bang on about "hitting like" or "subscribing" like all the others do. Just...bang! And we're off! ADHD-proof!
I’ve just been having a conversation about this and thought ‘neurodiverse’ wasn’t right… If you have time / are willing could you let me know why you prefer neurodiverse? Grammar is not my string point :) thank you!
“Divergent” has negative moral connotations, while “diverse” has very positive ones in modern culture. Morality is tightly linked to value-that which is seen negatively in a moral light is valued less than that which is morally positive. ADHD most definitely is a developmental disorder that results in neurochemical imbalances and is a major health risk. But it’s not morally wrong, nor does it diminish the value of the human beings who live with it.
She sounds pretty condescending about us falling in love,vas if we hyperfocus, but falling in love only counts with neurotypicals. Like we arent good enough to have soul mates. We only have chemical reactions, not love. Love has to happen on her neurityoical timescale, and our faster (and more thorough, which she ignores) getting to know someone and living someone, is dismissed. I feel, at 58, as if, if she met me, that she would only see me as a child. I have adhd and autism. And i do NOT feel this from everyyone.
Yes, we must take responsibility....I thank God He knows our frame ,that we are week. Jesus came to seek and save those whom are lost. His grace has helped us, difficult 35 year married couple though we are multicultural with 4 kids . Thanks for help with ADD , our bickering!!😂. Timing is so important for discussions.
I don't think ND people really "love" someone else. This comes from an ND person. I do what I think is love. I can enjoy the company of someone else. But even people/family I think I "love" I literally won't miss them if I don't see them. So I don't actually believe his comment about "if they weren't there" sounds like what a NT wants to hear.
Both my partner and I have ADHD. Our love is fierce, we can't even describe how strong our love is for each other. However before my partner met me he has literally felt the same as you. At the start he even said to me he is scared cause he thinks he is incapable of truly loving and now look at us. You just haven't met The One yet, is all! Edited to add: Saying ND people don't really "love" someone else is quite the statement, btw. In a bad way. The other person should've said it in a more polite manner, but they said it's dumb because what you said is simply not true. Even if it's true for you personally, it's not true for everyone else who is ND.
@bianka4001 Being understood and explaining something is always difficult. I think "love" is different for NDs is kinda what I was getting at. We feel it differently.
@@TroyUlysses I am coming from a country where we take things quite literally. For me saying "I don't think ND people really "love" someone else" is absolutely not the same as "love can be different for us". That is why I said what I said. The rest of your comment is just adding on to that first sentence. But yes it's true that is only my perception and your intention might've been different. So just sharing my experience again, both me and my partner feel the "if they weren't there" very strongly. So it's not just something a NT wants to hear. And we've been together for over 4 years now and are still crazy for each other. We know it's for life. In regard to our family members and friends we love, we do miss them even if we don't see them. So our experience is different from yours although we are all ADHD. Which was my point in the first place.
![BOWKYLION - วิงวอน (ex-change) [Official MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/cLdnZWDaO-w/mqdefault.jpg)
RSD is overwhelming to the point of feeling suicidal. Trust and a sense of safety in the relationship is so important!
WOW a therapist who really really understands ADHD, in all the years I've never come across someone so well informed. Can you please, please be my therapist, pretty please! 🙏 Seriously though I wish there were alot more people like you.
Totally, totally agree ! RSD is absolutely devastating!!!😢
I would love to hear about couples where both partners have ADHD/ ND. Iam in a couple like this and it comes with a lot at benefits and understanding but also with a lot of difficulty’s. Would love to hear an expert speak about it ❤❤❤.
Especially when nobody knows about it for a couple decades 😮
I believe that makes you the expert since you are always in it and have the experience
You say relationship, I say this is how our lives are in friendship aswel.
A friendship is a relationship.
5:00 Oh, my gosh, this is exactly me. I haven't been diagnosed but more and more, I wonder.. about a lot. Something is amiss.
I keep learning that I probably am an adhd person. I really appreciate these conversations.
I'm autistic and always have communication issues with my ADHD partner, I need long explanations with lots of context and he likes to spring information on me with no context whatsoever when I'm in the middle of thinking about something else, add delayed processing on and important conversations can be painful, especially when my questioning is taken as being argumentative
I have both, and i feel for both of you.
I hope you can work it out successfully. I believe it us possible. Knowledge is power.
I feel with you. I am the one with adhd in my relationship with an audhd and it has taken me a while to learn to respect the slow processing speed. Likewise, as she describes in the interview, my RSD is the source of many conflicts. We are on our 21st year together and still very much in love, so it is doable. But it takes a lot of sense of humor and regularly reminding ourselves of everything that we are and can do, instead of focusing on what we are not and can't do.
Wow, this comment is eye opening for me.
@@katrinhjorthwow, this comment made me tear up.
@@Plethorality do you have any TH-cam recommendations for both?
Her description of the partner is spot on! First time I've heard that. Makes sense.
they discussed how neurotypical partner can become resentful when taking too much on and how important it is to have knowledge and compassion but I would have liked to hear more about how does this help with the task/mental load? maybe I missed something
I found this episode really helpful, thinking about my own 3 year relationship that started at university, thank you.
Okay, I'm confused,,,,,!!!!,,,, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 23, for 20 years now. I know I'm reactive and sensitive, I tend to notice it before my "neurotypical" partner, I insist I remove myself before I say something that I'm going to regret, I feel absolutely terrible, typically very hurt, but I know I've saved her from having to listen to me say something dumb and I know I'll likely completely forget what upset me so bad in about 10 minutes (as long as she doesn't keep picking.) I've been doing this for a long time, so that makes sense. However as I'm listening to the signs of a neurodiverse versus a neurotypical partner every time you said the neurodiverse partner is like this... you described my significant other. Every time you said the neurotypical partner does this or that, you described me😮 so does this mean that my years of experience of getting myself together have caused me to be more neurotypical than my neuro unknown partner (I've seen so many things that tell me she's not neurotypical😂) I know in a lot of ways I am the one pulling away. If we have something on the calendar she's likely to, at the last minute, say she doesn't want to go, even though she knows I've been looking forward to it. I'm the one that is very capable, I can stay on top of the bills really easily and have to remind her to put money in the joint account when they are due. Wait a minute, never mind, the one who's been "adultized" early, yeah that's also me😮 we're definitely together because she can do the dishes and plan a vacation, I cannot! I am also definitely the one to do research, she's the one to bring to home new and interesting things😂
I relate 😅
The non-ADHD/neurodivergent partner isn’t always the regulated one. My partner is frequently angry, and I often don’t even know why. I also do most of the household management as the neurodivergent. I still end up feeling like the inferior one. For example, being someone that has a hard time waking up early and getting to appointments on time, I am openly disparaged by my spouse. Since late diagnosis, I’m learning to reframe these differences as valid. If I had to describe how my partner feels about me, it would be annoyed and infuriated.
“My partner is frequently ready, and I often don’t even know why.” 😂😂😂 yeah that has nothing to do with ADHD.
Erm they autistic
You aren't inferior.
I wanted to tell you that my ADHD partner was in a marriage where his neurotypical wife was frequently angry and explosive, and it wrecked his health. He finally left after 14 years, 2 kids, and (her) affairs later, and it has been the most healing, life-altering decision for him. I'm wishing you courage to do whatever you need to have a peaceful life with a loving partner. ❤️
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. People with adhd are more likely to end up in toxic relationships bc they overassume blame (think that they're the problem, not the partner).
Amazing interview! Amazing woman! Thank you.
Gina Pera wrote a great book called "Is it You, Me or Adult ADD?". Great perspectives on this from her.
Thank you SO much for this conversation! I am learning now how to takę positives from my neurodiversity rather than masking and adjusting. Hearing such nice words about ADHD makes me feel stronger.
I really wish I'd found out I was ND and had seen this video 20 years ago before my marriage failed 😢
I'm in a fantastic relationship now, but I wish I hadn't lost what I had first time around 😢
Incredibly informative and helpful. Thank you so much.
🎯 Key points for quick navigation:
00:00:00 *💔 High Divorce Rates Among ADHD Couples*
- Discusses the high divorce rates (66%) among ADHD couples,
- Karen Doherty offers three essential tips for maintaining a marriage with a neurodivergent partner,
- Emphasizes the need for balanced communication and autonomy within relationships.
00:02:18 *🔄 Merging and Intensity in Neurodiverse Relationships*
- Describes the intense and often merging nature of neurodiverse relationships,
- Highlights how early-stage passion can sometimes be mistaken for love,
- Explains that long-term merging can cause strain, especially when external factors (e.g., a child) are introduced.
00:04:24 *🗣️ Communication Challenges in Neurodiverse Relationships*
- Discusses common communication issues between neurodiverse and neurotypical partners,
- Explores the impact of emotional triggers and misunderstandings,
- Provides a practical example of a typical miscommunication scenario.
00:06:17 *🌪️ Emotional Dysregulation in ADHD Relationships*
- Explains the challenge of emotional dysregulation in ADHD relationships,
- Discusses how overstimulation and sensory overload can lead to conflicts,
- Suggests tools like time-outs and codes to manage emotional dysregulation.
00:08:21 *😥 Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in ADHD*
- Focuses on the prevalence and impact of RSD in ADHD relationships,
- Explains how RSD can lead to severe emotional reactions and misunderstandings,
- Recommends open communication and mutual understanding to manage RSD.
00:10:30 *🛑 Managing Emotional Dysregulation and Triggers*
- Discusses techniques for managing RSD and emotional triggers,
- Highlights the importance of developing signals and codes to prevent escalations,
- Suggests that partners can often sense emotional dysregulation before it happens.
00:12:18 *🚨 Avoiding Impulsive Reactions in Conflicts*
- Advises on avoiding impulsive reactions that could lead to major decisions like breakups,
- Discusses the importance of time and space to calm down after an emotional trigger,
- Mentions the challenge of guilt and shame following emotionally charged conflicts.
00:15:00 *🌍 Understanding Triggers and Taking Responsibility*
- Explores the role of trauma and past experiences in triggering emotional responses,
- Emphasizes the need for couples to take responsibility for managing their triggers,
- Stresses the importance of understanding and communicating triggers.
00:16:36 *🌟 Success Stories in ADHD Relationships*
- Identifies common traits in successful ADHD relationships,
- Explains that mutual willingness to learn and work on the relationship is crucial,
- Discusses the challenges of overcoming long-term patterns of resentment.
00:18:08 *🕵️♂️ Challenges of Infidelity and Cheating*
- Considers the prevalence of infidelity in ADHD relationships,
- Discusses potential factors contributing to cheating, such as a need for stimulation,
- Notes that infidelity can arise from various relationship issues, not just ADHD traits.
00:19:15 *🚫 Identifying and Stopping Harmful Relationship Patterns*
- Describes common patterns that lead to conflicts in ADHD relationships,
- Highlights the importance of external help and therapy in breaking vicious cycles,
- Discusses the potential harm to children and overall life quality due to these patterns.
00:21:01 *🤝 Lack of Intimacy and Emotional Reciprocity*
- Discusses the issue of lacking intimacy and emotional connection in neurodiverse relationships,
- Explains how neurotypical partners may feel lonely due to the self-sufficient nature of neurodiverse partners,
- Notes that the absence of emotional reciprocity is a primary issue in these relationships.
22:21 *🗓️ Managing Differences in Planning and Expectations*
- Discusses conflicts arising when an ADHD partner is not up for planned activities,
- Emphasizes the need for compromise to avoid relationship rifts,
- Mentions the parent-child dynamic that can develop in these relationships.
23:01 *🧩 Couple Fit in Neurodiverse Relationships*
- Explores how neurodiverse individuals often pair with capable, organized partners,
- Describes the potential vulnerabilities and complementary strengths in these pairings,
- Notes how resentment can build when one partner feels overloaded.
24:54 *🧠 Signs of Overwhelm vs. Laziness*
- Distinguishes between signs of genuine overwhelm and perceived laziness,
- Stresses the importance of understanding and recognizing signs of overwhelm,
- Advocates for knowledge, compassion, and communication in these situations.
27:37 *🎭 Masking and Authenticity in Early Relationships*
- Discusses the impact of masking behaviors during early dating stages,
- Highlights the challenges for neurodivergent individuals in showing their true selves,
- Emphasizes that authenticity early on leads to better communication.
29:12 *💔 Building Confidence and Core Self in Neurodivergent Individuals*
- Explains the impact of negative experiences on self-confidence,
- Suggests that awareness and acceptance of neurodiversity are improving,
- Encourages authentic self-expression as a key to healthy relationships.
30:36 *🏠 Challenges of Living with ADHD Partners*
- Acknowledges both the challenges and positives of living with an ADHD partner,
- Describes the highs and lows in a neurodiverse relationship,
- Suggests education, strategies, and knowledge to mitigate challenges.
32:28 *❤️ Balancing Positives and Negatives in ADHD Relationships*
- Highlights the loyalty and deep emotional connections typical in ADHD relationships,
- Emphasizes managing the negatives while appreciating the positives,
- Describes the need for balance and understanding in the relationship.
33:35 *🔄 Reigniting Excitement in Long-Term ADHD Relationships*
- Discusses strategies for reigniting excitement and joy in long-term relationships,
- Mentions the need for creativity and joint projects to combat boredom,
- Highlights the importance of communication regarding stimulation needs.
35:00 *📣 The Role of Communication in Relationship Health*
- Asserts communication as the fundamental basis of a healthy relationship,
- Advises openly discussing feelings of boredom or lack of stimulation,
- Encourages proactive communication to maintain relationship balance.
36:22 *🧵 Understanding Needs of ADHD Women in Relationships*
- Describes the complex needs of ADHD women in relationships,
- Highlights the importance of stability, communication, and security,
- Emphasizes individual needs beyond just the ADHD diagnosis.
38:11 *🔍 Dual Approach to Neurodiverse Couple Therapy*
- Explains the dual approach of classical and behavioral therapy in treating couples,
- Focuses first on immediate behavioral challenges and conflicts,
- Then addresses underlying psychodynamic histories and family influences.
39:48 *🛠️ Three Tips for Sustaining a Marriage*
- Offers three tips: communication, maintaining autonomy, and having fun,
- Emphasizes the balance between dependence and independence,
- Highlights the importance of humor and enjoyment in sustaining relationships.
40:31 *🌟 Positive Contributions of Neurodivergent Partners*
- Describes the constant novelty and stimulation they bring,
- Emphasizes the authenticity and passion typical of neurodivergent individuals,
- Highlights their unique ability to create dynamic and engaging relationships.
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What an extreme privilege listening to Karen. Thank you so much for this. I've learned a lot.
I am a 56 y.o. male with both parts very hyper and very impulsive and nothing is gonna change that. I feel that the Hearst thing is that we feel completely
Misunderstood. Our whole lives and people still don’t understand us. We go from Hero to Zero in one remark. We lost before we start anything, period. Really sucks knowing that. Life don’t get easier with ADHD, so for me living alone is perfect.
Aloha from Tennessee
What gets to me is that in my relationship my partner has BPD and I have ADHD, and I try very hard to keep in mind of the things that he needs for his BPD but he constantly tells me that my ADHD is an excuse and isn't actually a thing. So suddenly I'm the one doing all the chores, all the bills, all the cooking, and giving him the help he wants and needs, but then my side of things get pushed away before he thinks that adhd isn't real. Then he tells me that he was tested for it so he knows what it is but that it isn't anything and doesn't impact me at all.
But then on the flip side is that his sister is my best friend she has BPD and ADHD and we get along great and can point out or pick up on things in seconds and often before the other realizes that its happening.
Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like that?!?
Having BPD is no excuse for gaslighting someone you are supposed to care for 😢
You just described an abusive relationship.
Please get out, safely.
BPD is a BS diagnosis, it’s actually NPD. Some have C-ptsd instead.. sounds like he may actually be a narcissist.
His sister may actually have C-ptsd instead and your partner has NPD. True BPD behavior is simply just narcissism.
Thanks for this. I want to understand my partner who has ADHD. I try not to judge , be patient and understaning.
I’ve been divorced twice , It was like a switch flicked off and it became a task after the wedding .. I felt I was weird and I’ve questioned it all ever since until my recent realisation that I have adhd
That’s me too! Good to know this stuff now but the ‘lost’ years are painful.
My ex husband was a malignant narcissist.
I have adhd. My god he was evil monster
Same with me. 13 years of Psycho and Drama. @user-ds5uj6mj9n
I have ADHD and it was my wife that was sleeping around. I have never been unfaithful to anyone throughout my life
@25:45 WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY IT’S TOO LATE?!?!?!? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY THEY HOPE THE COUPLE COMES IN BEFORE THAT POINT!?!?!? With God all things are possible. Why can’t they ever say there is a glimmer of hope?!?!? They have to go and ruin a good sound bite by making this an absolute statement.
What a brilliantly thought out discussion. Loved this, and honestly made me realise and see some issues Iv had in the past as been because of issues spoken about within the video
What about when both are neurodivergent and one is worse than the other? We need some intel around this. My husband has not been diagnosed, I have been. He has a lot of childhood trauma and wouldn’t be shocked if he’s both high functioning ASD and ADHD.
Why is he not diagnosed? If he doesnt love you enough to at least find out, then does he even love you at all?
And if he has had trauma, he owes it to himself and to his marriage vows (to love you) to get help.
If he does not want to change and heal and grow up, then he is choosing to stay a child and use you as a mothering slave, which is not a marriage.
I know we do not like change.. but sometimes it is necessary.
@@Plethorality no one mentioned him being mothered and being assessed is his choice and love isn't involved in it so don't make remarks you know nothing on.
@@Plethorality That's some heavy judgement going on there. You don't know anything about them to say all these things. Depending on which country they live in and/or their current circumstances, they might not be able to afford therapy or even a diagnosis. Not everyone is so privileged to just be able to go to a therapist. Just as an example, in my country it's quite difficult to get the ADHD diagnosis as an adult and ADHD meds are not allowed for adults too. Therapy is not free either, especially therapists for ND are all fully paid out of your private pocket. Also nowhere in the comment does it say that the husband is using his wife as a mothering slave. You just basically made up your mind out of nothing.
I am lucky enough to be married to someone who allows me to ask clarifying questions when I am experiencing RSD. Unfortunately, because I didn’t know what it was, it took us a couple years to get to this place, but it is a game changer. That only can I ask him clarifying questions, but I’ll tell him it feels like he’s lying, and he will elaborate on what he really means
I loooooved the intro💕
Thank you! ❤
I noticed it immediately. It’s a little too much DOAC for me… I like this podcast say it is, for its uniqueness-it does not need to copy the highly calculated algorithm shenanigans of Steven Bartlett and team 😅 I get why ADHD chatter might feel the need though to strive for the perfect intro, thumbnail and more views and subs, of course.
Exactly how I felt@@katsweeterly2039
What a lovely episode - I also work in this space and love it so much, it's a total privilege and honour
Iv spent the last 2 years researching and recently become aware I suffer either Misophonia or hyperacusis because my brain synchronises and reorganises my Fonotopic auditory pathway. I found this out listening to tripple layered music. The third songs background music which gets amplified out together and moved
😂 we know we are difficult to live with but I appreciate her response. 💚 🙏
This was brilliant. Thank you!
That intro edit is starting to look more and more like Diary of a CEO
Really enjoyed this episode. Good questions and practical advice.
Adorable woman. I really loved this interview
Anyone have this - I think I chose my partner because of his traits, and now teasing and listening about ADHD and looking at how we were as children I think we both might have ADHD. We are in our 40's with nieces and nephews on both sides with full ADHD diagnoses 😮. I think the things we do would have caused a divorce if we were with neurotypicals, but those traits are what keep us stronger and together. ❤
I thought your guest was judge Judy from the thumbnail😂
❤ loved this person
I really appreciate this program, but it seems like having two people in the relationship that are both strongly but differently ADHD and / or on the Spectrum is not addressed.
Exactly!! The ND partner has their own issues too.
I believe her example of the NT partner experienced childhood trauma. And yes, I agree, trauma brings a lot into a relationship. @32:00
Some coach (not in english) said he learned...men do a mistake that they talk to women like talking to a man, or they treat woman as she is a man.
But women see world through different "optic" than men, because they are not men, women have different fears than men, different body, different hormones.
Men say they didnt have a role model in family to find out how to treat woman, but as soon as they learn to experience true relationship
they realize its wonderful and women can be very wonderful, because women also try to learn from their own mistakes how to talk to a good man,
but it takes also respect to woman and build his own confidence etc.....because if woman changes for better and grows mentally emotionally, learns new things
then she will not want ordinary guy who isnt working on his confidence and build himself up emotionally etc.
He has to be strong emotionally and be confident guy....because she may have other problems in life, that she tries to solve by herself, her health, family values, children etc.
and if he trows his emotional instability from his bad childhood at her....
she feels overhelmed unhappy, because she wants strong role model and his strength motivates her to work on herself more, his energy boosts her energy..
his charisma boosts her charisma...
she wants someone who talks the talk, and walks the talk, so she may easily overcame her things, by herself, because she feel the energy comming from him,
She feels his happiness, so its easier for her to solve her things.
and also man who is learning and working on himself, how to treat woman, he will not want woman who is not working on her learning skills.
Yes we usually don’t think of the consequences and just do it. If tested, we will lose for sure.
The intro brought me here ❤️
Editor of DOAC?
Whats it mean if he does things like kicks you when your down?
Whats with the DOAC-style intro? Thats the worst bit.
I agree. I found the intro stressful. Like the Mr Beastification of YT, we're seeing the DOACification of podcasts. This was an amazing episode, thank you!! Learned so much from Karen. I love the podcast, but I prefer the calmer intros. I understand trying different editing styles!
@@TheBetterAdultProject I feel the same about DOAC intros. We're not halfwits. We don't need "cliffhangers" or explosions it's a bloody podcast.
I agree! I wasn't sure this was even the real video for a few minutes there 😅
Kinda liked the older ones where Alex just gets straight into it. Doesn't even bang on about "hitting like" or "subscribing" like all the others do. Just...bang! And we're off! ADHD-proof!
I agree. The intro really threw me. I almost bailed and missed an informative interview!
Iv walked, but I think it was more of a BPD trait and splitting because of RSD or another trigger
Welp got to get in a relationship, and we know the adhd preventing that being so oblivious to any signals
Then ask them out loud, with words.
I think maybe the adhd gets bored like everyone else in relationships but they over think it and have emotion on it.
What’s RSD?
Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria. I had to look it up too
***Thank you***, Karen, for using neurodiverse, instead of neurodivergent.
I so agree with this. Nerodivergent has entirely different connotations.
I’ve just been having a conversation about this and thought ‘neurodiverse’ wasn’t right… If you have time / are willing could you let me know why you prefer neurodiverse? Grammar is not my string point :) thank you!
“Divergent” has negative moral connotations, while “diverse” has very positive ones in modern culture. Morality is tightly linked to value-that which is seen negatively in a moral light is valued less than that which is morally positive.
ADHD most definitely is a developmental disorder that results in neurochemical imbalances and is a major health risk. But it’s not morally wrong, nor does it diminish the value of the human beings who live with it.
6:42
Just wait a little. 20 years in my wife is burned out. I'm mad, but can't blame her... well she's got problems
She sounds pretty condescending about us falling in love,vas if we hyperfocus, but falling in love only counts with neurotypicals.
Like we arent good enough to have soul mates. We only have chemical reactions, not love. Love has to happen on her neurityoical timescale, and our faster (and more thorough, which she ignores) getting to know someone and living someone, is dismissed.
I feel, at 58, as if, if she met me, that she would only see me as a child. I have adhd and autism.
And i do NOT feel this from everyyone.
Sorry but what is RSD?
I believe it stands for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
😅
Yes, we must take responsibility....I thank God He knows our frame ,that we are week. Jesus came to seek and save those whom are lost. His grace has helped us, difficult 35 year married couple though we are multicultural with 4 kids .
Thanks for help with ADD , our bickering!!😂. Timing is so important for discussions.
It look like Everyone has a problem today 😮 and sure Someone is making money....
I don't think ND people really "love" someone else. This comes from an ND person. I do what I think is love. I can enjoy the company of someone else. But even people/family I think I "love" I literally won't miss them if I don't see them. So I don't actually believe his comment about "if they weren't there" sounds like what a NT wants to hear.
This is the dumbest thing I have read all week.
@snaakie Thank you for your highly insightful (from the first-person experience, I'm sure) opinion. Have a better day. 🙂
Both my partner and I have ADHD. Our love is fierce, we can't even describe how strong our love is for each other. However before my partner met me he has literally felt the same as you. At the start he even said to me he is scared cause he thinks he is incapable of truly loving and now look at us. You just haven't met The One yet, is all!
Edited to add: Saying ND people don't really "love" someone else is quite the statement, btw. In a bad way. The other person should've said it in a more polite manner, but they said it's dumb because what you said is simply not true. Even if it's true for you personally, it's not true for everyone else who is ND.
@bianka4001 Being understood and explaining something is always difficult. I think "love" is different for NDs is kinda what I was getting at. We feel it differently.
@@TroyUlysses I am coming from a country where we take things quite literally. For me saying "I don't think ND people really "love" someone else" is absolutely not the same as "love can be different for us". That is why I said what I said. The rest of your comment is just adding on to that first sentence. But yes it's true that is only my perception and your intention might've been different.
So just sharing my experience again, both me and my partner feel the "if they weren't there" very strongly. So it's not just something a NT wants to hear. And we've been together for over 4 years now and are still crazy for each other. We know it's for life. In regard to our family members and friends we love, we do miss them even if we don't see them. So our experience is different from yours although we are all ADHD. Which was my point in the first place.
There is no such thing as ADHD.