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you do great work, another good one, but I want to point out that pharma is new age fake science and they teach their glorified salesmen that money is in treating, not in curing. Since its inception, looking at the reaility, they harmed more people than they ever helped, their studies and result are all geared toward proving their points to sell more pills and hence they love pretending they can diagnose and of course they love inventing mental illnesses names for it and pathologizing everyone. Yet, the only ones who always have issues are pharma users and let me share that most people who are not asleep never use pharma aka nnew age sub science. Real medicine is available to all, nobody knows better than the person in the body what to do and if instead of teaching m ind control in those pathetic governmental schools of doom they taught useful stuff everyone would have an idea how to self soother, how their body works with the rest of the bodies we are comprised of and it would certainly not be about money. I really wish people who are non vegan and use ph arma realize they are part of the evil whether because they chose to or are so uninformed to not realize it. Pharma is not medicine in my books and I never consented to anything they do and just like me many others and since my body my choice I really find it ridiculous when people try to push that stuff on others. If people want to use it, go right ahead, but to claim it is medicine and try to impose on all of us is a bit too much and moving forward I am afraid, after their latest pun in 2020, many more people will join this group. BTW, according to Fauci we were all supposed to be dead, yet I haven't been jabbed in over 25 years and I am only doing better from long term chronic pain I was born with~ Proof is in the pudding. I bet many pharma users who are no longer here or have been maimed for life under the pretense of keeping them safe, wishe they listened to one of us who never use -pharma and yet never tried to impose our ways on others. Respect is a two way street and pharma fake care shows none, otherwise they would self distruct as they are useless as NASA is. Real truth never came out from them.
I learned another thing about my Mother..that she never had children but to fulfill the wants and needs of my Dad… I always had an inkling that my Dad is an overt narcissist…but I only understood it clearly in considering how well she exploited US to benefit my Dad and her vision of what we are to them… That’s why I now don’t see her as a victim…she is covert narcissist! She has been terribly helpful in violating our human rights just to sustain her relationship with my father. Pardon me in saying this but both of my parents don’t give two PHUC’s about me and my brothers and sisters! I can honestly say my overall family will be at peace once they both have passed! Two of the most harmful people I have ever collaborated with in life! I know I am abnormal but I also hate them both… ….for making me think they cared…in my youth! I feel terribly lied to!!! Thank you for this video presentation.
I'm fed up with the unhealthy mindset that we are indebted to our parents, that we have to respect them even if they ruin our lives. I'm fed up with wasting my life to take care of them and tend to their needs at the expense of my wellbeing and health. I want to live my own life.
Please take care of yourself! You can over come the disregulation that came from the systems feeling. Also, the need to care for them is not real it's a false sense they programmed you to do. We have to come out of being hypnotized by the system they placed inside of us.
I wish I had known that earlier like you did. When I went nc I still believed that I was the defective one, her actions, though legitimate in my mind, hurt too much so I left. She sure had me fooled!
I would add, when I went NC she had started her rage on me when I was home on leave on my way to Japan. I had already served in Vietnam (1969/70), and a stint in the Boston area.
I spent most of my 60 year old life believing I am defective until my mum climbed into my ex husband's car and went off for the Christmas holidays with him half an hour after I told her we were getting divorced... That changed my life and forced me to see things for what they are and move away forever. I have become my own witness protection agent and block anyone who attempts to scapegoat me or get toxic with me. I've been called selfish, unkind, unreasonable, mad, bad, impossible, irrational... It still hurts but the hurt eases as my strength grows.
lol I walked away to at 44 but then got the call from hospital that she had cancer and got dragged back but was finally set free 4 years ago almost 5 and it is so damn sad that it took her death to finally set me free
My mom just said those hurtful words to me and all I can think is because I won't stay here and pay her second home! I'm headed to the beach. She can weave her controlling critical web around someone else. I'm out of here.
It's so hard, i feel so bad that I internalised it but it's good to know I have my share of power otherwise I felt crushed by her energy and good choice of words
I believe in you Mary, yes it is extremely hard at the beginning. The more and more we understand that everybody can change, it's more then likely we have to get comfortable with the uncomfortably understanding. Your mother as well as mine won't change, due to the fact they have been living there life getting by how your mother is doing to you Mary. Keep it Groovy.
Knowledge and education is the key to transform and change every living human soul including the animals as well ....narcs have ruined billions lives in this universe especially kids and adults as well who are not literate and have no notion on narcissists bullies etc..kids are dropping out of school etc due to the bullies and toxic defective people that existed in this universe!!! If i get a chance and opportunity to transform every living souls who are suffering from these symptoms I would in the future by the grace of God etc...stay safe out there sister 🙏!!@ take care of yourself know your worth and value !!! Never and ever chase love know your worth you are e enough !@@
as a narcissist myself, who is a survivor of extremely narc abusive parents, one of the best revelations i had was that i should and wish not to procreate. i am not putting innocent life into this myself. i have 70 years to overcome and to detox my own self. im not bringing innocents into that and i wish those 2 damaged nutjobs wouldve had the decency for this in 1984 themselves.
"We've learned to give the narcissistic parent way too much power". We've also given them too much credit. Too much credit for being smart or smarter than us and everybody around us, too all knowing, too talented, too skilled, too influential (as kids are apt to do)... It's only once we get older and gain some experience that we realize what has happened and what's been done to us and we realize how frail and breakable those people really are. And that WE have the power. The power to ignore, dismiss, and cut off.
Not all are frail! Some are strong enough to continue to try to wield their power over and abuse of others all their lives! IMHO. That's been my experience. I agree that we DO have power over how WE respond.
Yes!!! I had a terrible counselor when I tried to bring this up!! She said oh you should have compassion on your mom so I reached out to my mom only to have her almost destroy my marriage and relationship w one of my daughters!! Never again! No contact for 2 years
Most “therapists” are so far left it’s ridiculous. They usually are as mentally ill or more than the clients they are supposedly helping. I advise great caution when trying to find a therapist….buyer beware!
My mother is the narcissist. My dad was an alcoholic. At Xmas time at age 40. My dad called me a stupid sh-t in front of a small group of relatives. I was in my last 2 weeks of treatment for alcoholism and had been sober for almost 3 months. I was a different person after 24 years as a drunk. I told my dad I was tired of being called that. I then said: how would you like it if I called you that, you stupid sh-t.? Not a word out of his mouth.
It blew my mind when Jerry said that we are programmed to protect our narcissistic parents. It was not until after my parents were dead, that I realized that I have all of the signs of a child living through narcissism. It basically melted my mind the moment I realized that they were indeed ‘ducks’.
Normal rules, I can't believe that it took me till I turned 50 yrs old to realize how damaged both sides of the family have been. I've worked on myself for 18 yrs. and they still can't accept the fact that I've become more of truly me. I've created a whole me and I'll be 69 next month the few relatives I have don't care for this person I've become. It's like walking through fire and coming out not burned!
I so relate to this. I realized my siblings liked the version of me that was anxious and depressed. Recovery work and therapy has brought me through a divorce and given me a new life. I’m happily remarried and have a good life and they can’t stand to be around me now.
@@dnk4559 congratulations, the person you need to validate is yourself you've come a long way. Just know toxic people are still out there and that you're strong enough to be able to say, "No".
Wow, same here. My family ignore all my good changes and the fact that I am making different decisions based on what's good for me. I am excited to see that I don't even like to hang out with my mom's brother. He is an ass and bully. She allowed this man to ridicule me since a child, and I realized that I do not have to take this anymore. I don't like most of my family members, except for few, they can be worse than total estrangers.
Since the title of this video is "Deadly Beliefs", I was expecting to hear about the physical damage that narcs do to their victims. Obviously there is psychological harm, but physical ailments are also a product of the relentless abuse. I had constant stomach and digestive issues, asthma, allergies, skin issues, you-name-it. It was not until I went "no contact" with my parents (because they decided to start criticizing my daughter and I would not let that happen), that ALL of my physical problems disappeared. No more allergies or asthma, no more digestive issues, my skin cleared up, my headaches went away. Had I let the abuse go on, I literally could have died. I am now in my 60's and take no medication. When my parents died, the relief was extraordinary. People really need to ask themselves: If they met these people in daily life, at work or socially, would they want them as friends? If the answer is no, then don't keep toxic family around, either. They are doing emotional AND PHYSICAL harm.
There are definitely visceral responses/manifestatins from parents. I see it in my wife. She will get physically sick before or after seeing her parents. Or even just a ridiculous phone call will trigger it.
I hear you so clearly. What you are saying really spells out so much and I will bet explains the physical problems of a significant percentage of the adult population. When I was about 30, I told my sister that if she WASN'T my sister, she sure as heck wouldn't be my friend.
Oddly enough I knew at age 8 I was in a looney tunes family. Later, in counseling, I got the tools to handle it. Finally told my narc mom she can call me any name in the book and it just doesn’t matter. I told her I knew I was a nice person and she can think what she wants. None of my family rattle me anymore. I just stare at them and don’t respond.
Yes! Therapists just gloss it over and "focus on now". That's obviously important, but these massive psychological injuries hurt us and wreck our lives every day, and we can't just pretend that we're okay. We've already been doing that our whole lives.
I KNEW something was wrong with my mom. I TOTALLY rebelled as an Adult so I ended up moving across the state, My mom tells my siblings and even has called my son and told him and them I WAS the CRAZY one.
Yes that's what they do! When my husband deteriorated and mortified into a psychitic state, my narc mother phoned thd eldest of my children, as well as the gay minister of our church (the bloke resigned shortly after it) to tell them I was the reason. When he came home from the psychiatric ward, he came back to me and said....I was like a mother to him.And we were happy like the 40 years before that.
She is the power hunger crazy one to torture innocents and vulnerable to feel in charge and control so in order to not to feel weak ever again and compensate old wounds. Sorry. You are the strong one, you are the divinely protected one that’s what she can’t have and despises you for it. She is actually rebelling divine male in you. Why you protecting this weak but not me ? to her you are ”undeserving” “ inferior” one. She is the “superior” one her ego and jealousy demons in her saying but didnt protect me at the time when I was hurt.
Jerry, your discussion about beliefs is so important. Our subconscious beliefs are the driving force in our lives. If a child believes they are bad then they will grow up to create a world based on their 'badness.' So they die twice; once as a child and again as an adult.
I want to help I got this so clear when I was younger My mom didn’t get it my mom didn’t want me to be friends with people with issues but we had issues and nobody looked at it only me only me whichThen gives people the idea that I and paranoid and crazy More easily gaslit than ever before Those bullies come from pain and trauma and then it gets more pain and trauma and groups of people I finally understand my dysfunction groups of people gets ugly my mom cared but Adulting can be rough and all the issues nobody worked out with my mother they take out on me because I look just like her I just keep asking God to have mercy on us
I just sat down and ruminated on my past with EP. It dawned on me she will never change, she will never care about me the way she should, she is a toddler in a 70 yr old body. I am not responsible for her BS anymore. I have freed myself of the shackles and the nasty, hateful voice in my head had been silenced. She is confusing: always harsh, critical, uncaring but also ENVIOUS of me?! What. Narcissists are weird, yo.
My therapist with 30 years experience told me my case of child abuse was the most severe he had ever seen. I told him everything. Went no contact 21 years ago, no regrets.
I blame society at large for an ACON's inability to truly see their narcissistic parents as the destructive monsters that they are. Society (or more accurately, the parts of it that count) want abuse victims to shut up. "Shut up!" they scream. "You're destroying the family. Just put up with it." So now we all have to shut up to make social conservatives happy. Because abuse doesn't undermine families, but talking about it does. This pisses me off no end.
Those people are not “social conservatives.” They are people who were abused by *their* parents and can’t face it. You are reminding them of all this. If you are still enmeshed with telling people what happened you will continue to have them indicting you. Tell no one except a professional therapist. Child abuse is epidemic. We are barely even beginning to face this let alone properly deal with it. You need no one to validate your very bad experience.
Without a shadow of a doubt, the realization that my mother is a covert narcissist is the most important insight of all. I am a mother myself, and I want nothing less than to pass this poison on to my children. In fact, the realization is so liberating that I don't want to diagnose her anymore. I used to try to do that for decades, to bring order to disorder. Now I understand. Don't let the "professionals" decide what you or your parents are. They too often side with the narcissists and are therefore conspirators. They have hurt me more and stopped my own healing.
I went from an enmeshed relationship with my parents to moving out with my girlfriend very suddenly 2 months ago, and every point of contact since then has been “What’s going on with you?” or “Do you not care about your family anymore and want nothing to do with us? Then just say so!” When in reality I’ve been enjoying the freedom of not being in the environment I was for the last 20 years and haven’t figured out the kind of relationship I’d like to have with them. Just yesterday I didn’t answer some of their phone calls and they came to my new place and pounded on my window demanding that I open the door or they’d call the police for a “Wellness Check”. My gf came out (first time meeting them by the way) and observed all this to which my parents made it seem like something is wrong with me and asked her if I was on drugs. The whole experience was embarrassing, and has left me not wanting to have any contact with them for awhile. I’m not sure how to deal with this issue now having been through these events
You need to tell them, you are doing what "NORMAL" people do. Leave their interpreted fabrication to them. Don't argue or explain yourself, say, Sorry, I can't control what you think. Good bye 😅
Yup, awareness of narcissism is not a given. Back when I was 21 or 22, I told my father he was trying to control my life. I don't remember any of that. But my father does. He just recently reminded me, in very harsh, angry words, that I had "accused him" of being controlling, and therefore, he'd decided right then that he's out of my life: that he'd only be present, or help me if I asked. This is 20 years of holding an enormous grudge. He'd NEVER contact me first, all these years, only as a reply. I never knew why. Now he told me. My mom died this year. We both grieved, for the first 2 months, and my father almost seemed normal, I'd come to mom's house every day, we'd both spend time together. Then, in that same conversation, he told me, "And I'm sick of playing your father-daughter game!" A game? I was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't quite as narcissistic as I thought...it was no game to me. This was the most hurtful thing ever. Bc it's a projection of his own feelings, on me: it was a game to him. I'm proud of myself for not crying when he told me this. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't cry. I'm never ashamed of crying, but in this case, he knew it would hurt me, but he didn't get to see as much hurt as he probably expected.
Thank you Jerry. My Narcissistic parent has passed but you are helping me understand the legacy they left behind and the reason for so much difficulty in my relationships with my siblings. I guess the scapegoat always plays an important role and not just for the toxic parent.
I knew my family was not a Leave It to Beaver family. A friendly loving atmosphere was missing. We were managed and dealt with even at holidays unless outside people were present. Then they were nice. Sadly my siblings absorbed this as the norm. I was the squeaky wheel and a square peg that lead to them bullying me.
I have known my mother's gig from a time long before Narcissism was so widely known. I learned about it from the DSM-3. Yet until about a year ago, I kept asking myself if I was making it all up. Denial is by far the most difficult obstacle to overcome.
I was reading a book by M. Scott Peck called, "People of the Lie," & I recognized the signs of narcissism in my ex husband. As I kept reading, it dawned on me that I had married my mother-I married a man who was so much like my mother, that I got sick to my stomach. I never realized it until i had read M. Scott Peck's book. I escaped both people by leaving & having no contact. My mother always blamed me for everything, & then, my siblings would blame me. I've been accused of running away from problems, but I feel that I run away from the drama caused by intentionally created problems that can never be fixed.
There was a time when I wanted more close contact with family members, but the response from narcissistic family members was: if you want more contact, this is not the way, you have to be more this and that! - do and think the way they want you to do. Then I finally realized that less contact is the way and I am becoming much more confident.
I'm a 70 year old woman. I have only discovered in the last 3 years what hit me. I didn't even know about NPD. I was raised by a violent, abusive mother who sabotaged my life beginning very early (who says to a 7 year old: 'You're never going to amount to anything. You're going to be a criminal and wind up in jail.") This in response to watching cartoons on Saturday morning. My father was an alcoholic by 12 years into this hellish experience. My sister and I, as adults, joked that the fact that we didn't take to drink or drugs was an indicator that we had a lack of initiative. I married, right out of high school, a grandiose narcissist and ended that mess after 24 years. At age 49, married a malignant covert narcissist with psychopathic traits. I didn't discover him until I was 67 years old and that on the occasion of a particularly heinous discard that coincided with my retirement.
The very first therapist I had when I was 25 pegged my mom as a Narc. It took 20 years for me to fully understand that term and the toxic dynamic of my family. Finally went no contact with my family last year. Whew 😮💨 Free at last 🙏🏾✨💯❤️🙌🏽
My narc parents loved using opportunities of acting as though they were giving sound life advice but it was hidden jealousy and word curses. They really wanted to sabotage my future and make me think i was doomed if I didn't listen to their nonsense.
Yes, every conversation is not a conversation but you don't know that when you open yourself up to talking. All engagement devolves into a critical judgement of you and your personality, thoughts and choices. You are always trying to please them so that this negativity doesn't land on you but you don't realize it's rigged to go that way because that's how they see you and it will never change.
I had to go nc for my own protection. Things got legal, and my attorney highly recommended the no contact status. My health since has improved, my focus and concentration, my mood has improved.. everything has improved to the point I feel I've come out of a bad storm. Only now do I feel like a real person.. before I was only surviving and reacting.
accepting that my mom is a narcissist was the firstcstep in my healing. it freed me from the self-blame that kept me sick for so many years. thank you for opening my eyes to the unembellished facts.
Learning all this makes me regret being a good kid to my parents and suppressing my true self to please them....its best to heal regardless cant hold on to the regret forever... thank you Jerry you are an icon❤❤ and a hero .God bless you
My narcissistic mother would treat me as if I could never bring anyone joy. She was a harsh critic. I’m still trying to unlearn treating myself harshly.
3:45 THIS IS ME!!!! I grew up with one parent (dad) that was a substance abuser, and the other (mom) that I just discovered is a narcissist. My dad’s behavior was always undeniable because he up and left us when I was little so that he could put his addiction first. My mom, on the other hand, I felt sorry for and therefore always brushed off her behavior. I’ve been doing some form therapy for the last couple of years and have gone no-contact for over a year, and it’s taken me til the last few months to recognize my mom’s behavior for what it is. I think for me to understand both of my parents behaviors simultaneously, especially growing up, would have been way too overwhelming. I HAD to believe that I had at least one “normal” parent, even though deep down I knew my mother displayed inexcusable and selfish behaviors. As an adult, I moved across the country from the rest of my family. Even though for many years I still had contact with my parents, I was in denial that my dad STILL had a drinking problem (because I obviously wasn’t there anymore in person) and forgot how bad it was til we visited each other. It’s sad because my mom’s cruel behavior drives my dad to drinking. Yet, if my dad got his drinking under control, I believe my mom could be put in her place. I took the blame for a lot of their behaviors growing up, and for my sisters’ behaviors, too. I have two sisters- one turned out just like my dad, the other turned out just like my mom. The best choice I ever made was to go no-contact with all of them, stop beating myself up, and educate myself on narcissistic abuse. I can’t fix anyone in this family. It’s heartbreaking.
In my case, I would absorb the insults, shaming, and physical abuse from my narc father because I was told it was for my own good, to set me on the "straight road" and stop me from being a total fuck-up. Because I was born bad and wrong, don't you know that.
Good point about not focusing on a diagnosis, of anyone really. You end up getting minimized and gaslighted. Instead, you see the traits that run in a pattern. When you get to the point where you can accurately predict how they will act or what they will say in certain situations thats a big red flag. You dont need to have validation from anyone to know you are right. My husband has been shocked a few times wondering how did I know they would do or say that?! Its a pattern. They dont change and react on emotion rather than facts. If they are confronted with their behavior they dont apologize or change their behavior, they get defensive, twist it, project and name call.
20:00 avoiding and detaching from their volatility, detaching from theirs beliefs about you, internal/external boundaries, becoming immune to their way of communicating, staying out of triangles with them, handling smear campaigns and flying monkeys, stopping defending self and be strategic instead, all part of being authentic self with narcissists…good example responses included.
I'm 58. 38 yrs ago I went into counseling for ' adult children or alcohol and dysfunctional families'. Just a couple weeks ago I watched one of your videos, and all these memories started popping up as I listened. My mother had NPD. FINALLY, things fell into place. Now, I can start to recover. Thank you so very much for giving me my life back!
I think I'm going to need to relisten to this many times over for it to sink in. I'm 41 and just now learning these things. 41 years of bad habits to break. Hoping I can teach my daughter at an early age these things so she can be much further than I am by my age. Thank you for what you do!
After 34 years in Al-Anon, working a program consistently, I wouldn't take away my abusive background now - because it sometimes helps others see what works. I really like your detachment with love attitude in dealing with narcissistic family members - the specific examples and ways to respond are very workable.
Thank you Beth, I'm glad the video resonated with you and the examples were helpful. Detachment with love is the only real detachment there is. If we aren’t detaching out of love, we aren’t really detaching ❤️
I thank GOD for teaching me as an adolescent not to care what my parents say or think about me. I lost all respect for them as a child. I didn't believe they were my real parents until I was about 10yrs old. I used to think my real parents were coming to take me away with them until I was about 10yrs old. In my early 20s I started distanting myself from my DNA relatives & don't regret that move at all. It's more peaceful without those ppl in my life!!!
I am a bachelor in Psychology, worked as a therapist for more than 5 years, and just last year I realised I was raised by narcissistic parents, after going through a toxic marriage with a narcissistic man. It was a huge breakthrough in my life, I used to blame myself so much and think I was a broken person... everything they repeated to me during all my life, I internalised so much, that I lived most of my life thinking I was the guilty one.. Just by realising that, it was a huge relief, it made me end the toxic relationship, and also be able to live a more balanced life without psychiatric medication. But, at the time I found out, it triggered a huge existencial crisis, I had panic attacks and lost contact with reality, right before I decide to scape the house i shared with the narcissistic husband. Now I can manage the limits between me and my parents better, taking more distance and being aware of their paterns.. People have to know more about that, I realised lots of people and families I know deal with a narcissistic figure that is close to them and caused and still causes lots of problems, and they are simply unaware of that... Thank you so much for this content!
I always knew my parents were a bit twisted and I found it very difficult to spend time with them. They both past away over ten years ago which has given me a real sense of freedom in my life. I still have a need to develop some clarity about them and these videos have really helped me to see that they were Narcissists.
Our mother was the most difficult person I've ever met. We knew from our early childhoods that something was terribly wrong with Mom -- her suicide attempts, physical and emotional abuse were an ordinary part of our lives that we weren't allowed to question. Her "apology" was reliably, "I'm sorry but you...." We protected her because, "You don't disrespect your parents no matter what!" Even when Mom marches you into a psychologist's office claiming you need help, but the sessions end because the counselor determines Mom needs help, you still defend her even when she accuses you of manipulating the professional. Eventually, I walked away, because I was convinced being around her -- even sitting there like a stone -- was fuel for abuse. I determined Mom was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". Anything and everything I ever said to or did for her was misconstrued and used against me. Then after years of study I thought she might have Borderline Personality Disorder, and study of BPD led me to appreciate she was a full-blown, pathological narcissist.
Thank you for your wonderful work. As a CONP, I think accepting your parent's narcissism can feel a little like giving up on them. Letting them die even. You've been programmed all your life to look out for them, and then, when you cannot take it anymore, you are forced to let them go in a way that looks like abandonment to the rest of the world and, more importantly, to yourself.
Yes, I was going low contact and they were telling extended family that I was crazy and obsessed with my health. I was dealing with chronic health issues, lost organs from inflammation and cancer and couldn't handle the stress of being around her. She wanted me to get on a plane and visit during the pandemic and I didn't want to with my immune disorder. I felt the only reason she kept bringing it up is because of that part of her that almost got me killed other times in the past being willfully negligent. I went no contact to avoid being harassed about my chronic immune system and avoiding crowds and traveling. Then she caught it and died. You feel like you were a source of supply like air and when you decided to withdraw from the narcissist they suffocated. I had to go no contact to survive her.
I'm learning more and more that we do have choices about how we feel despite the voices in out head, the free rent squatters inside. Eviction is in order. Thank you for sharing
I had a Father who was Excessively Violent, an Alcoholic, Drug User. He used to try to Kill Us, by trying to Hit Us in His Car, Choking, and Being Sadistic, by Making Us Fight Each Other Physically. But He was Also a Psychiatric Charge Nurse, so We were in an Extremely Dangerous Situation with Him. He told Everyone who would Listen that We were Crazy. It Carried Weight because of His Position in Our Community. I'm Fiftynine Year's Old Now and I'm Worn Out by it, because My Almost Forty Year Old Son is One Aswell. I am So Appreciative of how You are Explaining these Things because You are Bold in Making these Things Clear. He would Use Shame, and Guilt like He was Feeding Us Poison, through a Syringe Drip by Drip. It was just this Year that I decided I'm Not going to Carry His Shame for the Rest of My Life, but Unfortunately I had to Let Go of My Son, I Realised I Can't Help Him, It's Heartbreaking. 💙🌊
The thing you said about narcissists is so true Jerry, thier condition prevents them from becoming normal. My narsiccitic mother in law who was so toxic and full of energy to prove to everyone that she is the sweetest and kind person in the family has tried to ruin my relationships directly or indirectly. Now she's weak and fragile exploited by other family members, but not able to understand what went wrong. I feel pity for her. Whereas we victims can come out strong with therapy and help from wonderful people like you, who have set an example for us. Thank you so much Jerry! God bless!
I was trapped living with my parents till I was 25. Was told by my mother that I wouldn't survive if I moved out so I shouldn't even bother trying. This among other things has severely stunted the adult I've grown into. It's been almost ten years since then, and even though I've made some leaps (married with three kids, a comfortable life), my mother and what she's done is still influencing my life. I come back to this point every couple months, and somehow I always talk myself out of staying low/no contact with her and my father.
I have chosen no contact with my narcissistic father for the past 18 months,after the death of my mother. He has turned numerous family members against me despite all the financial help I have given them in the past. I am staying the course and creating a much happier life than I have ever had.I am enrolled in your program and have learned so much from you. Thank you for imparting such wisdom!
Thank you so much for that video! Realizing that my parents' behaviour and way of thinking was not normal, was a major breakthrough for me, because it also meant that there is nothing wrong with me. As a kid, I was treated in ways that were not right or normal, but that had nothing to with anything inside me, and today I may have behaviour patterns that are not helpful, but those are reactions to what happened to me as a kid, and I can work on them. So, again, nothing is wrong with ME. Also, my parents certainly aren't grandious narcissists, and I have no idea what their clinical diagnosis would be, but I know that every time I watch videos on narcissistic parents and family structures, loads of things and structures become clear to me. So, I suppose they are somewhere on the spectrum. The 3rd belief is the one I am struggling with right now, trying to get myself to realize that they can no longer destroy what I am doing. Still, they are extremely negative and toxic, so I do not want to talk to them about what I am doing, because I do not want these poisonous words and thoughts in my brain, and I keep them at arm's length. Thank you so much for all of your videos. Your channel was (and is) one of the things that helped me through difficult times. I love your matter-of-fact, down-to-earth approach and your way of reasoning with the narcissist.
I left my family almost 10 years ago and being away from them has given me so much clarity and relief. My parents have iced me out and don't put forth any means of repair. Jokes on them, though, I'm perfectly fine never speaking to them again. After decades of abuse i finally got what i wanted.
you phrased it really well. That you Arent trying to diagnose other people for legal or medical purposes but to help inform people of where their defecits are. Acon's that search for outside sources of validation arent trying to tell others what's going on, or trying to make others look bad. We are genuinely asking, "am i allowed to believe this" which is part of the problem, we shouldn't have to ask ourselves such questions, others don't understand because they aren't inhibited in that way
Agreed. My last therapist was useless, triggered me all over the place and said my parents are emotionally immature (like err yes I'd worked that out!), then straight into radical acceptance. The acceptance I needed was a safe space for someone outside to look at what's happening and help me understand and stop blaming myself. She just added to my trauma and feeling diamissed (which is what both my parents already do!). They're not feelings people unless it's their feelings!!
Im 42 years old and only this year I read for the first time about the scapegoat child and the family dynamics of a NM.... Nothing ever before this information explained my life so well! My life never made so much sense until I learned this information!!! I am so great full for youtube and all the different channels including yours that talk this topic. Is important we kids from this kind of parents know, learn are aware so we can brake free!!! Thank you so much for the work you do, you are saving lives!!!
- 1:30 💡 Difficulty accepting and labeling narcissistic parents due to the need to protect the integrity of caregivers - 3:15 💡 Lack of awareness about narcissism among adult children and therapists - 5:45 💡 The danger of believing that parents are normal but just have many problems - 8:20 💡 The impact of narcissistic parents on feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness - 11:10 💡 The possibility of healing and recovering from a difficult childhood and adulthood - 14:05 💡 The struggle to be one's true self in the presence of a narcissistic parent and the importance of setting boundaries Created with NoteGPT
So true. I have done many counseling sessions and the topic of narcissism never came up. There are only a precious few counselors who address the issue.
Thank you for your talk about aunt Betty. I am currently in no contact with my mother and her sister called me. She didn't want to hear my reason but to shame me into coming back : your mother is sad, she is sick etc. The straw that broke the camel back for me was that I am sick as well. I supported my mother but not only she didn't support me, she repeatedly ignored my illness for years. And she even didn't believe me for a long period of time. I am not even 100% she believe me now. I want to stand up for myself so I told her numerous time if she didn't clean her act I would leave. I acted upon her action. And now she doesn't understand why ? Total BS
Jerry, it’s taken me a lifetime to be aware, deal with and see how narcissistic parent has played in my life, effected my life, and I have to still work with.. not easy and not pleasant but a journey to walk on.. with differentiation, boundaries and more. I’m a therapist and went into my field in order to understand myself many years ago, and still I’m learning daily weekly monthly yearly. I appreciate your public service, normalizing and giving clarity to many.. people really need support and someone to talk with , finding someone who can listen, understand and guide.
I appreciate your videos. I needed these in my early 20s. I am old now and think If I understood then what I know now I might have made better decisions. I didn't know then that putting up boundaries was healthy. I never set boundaries then. I thought saying NO was selfish. Now I understand better how to watch out for myself.
Oh yes. I grew up thinking I was soooo bad. Stupid, ugly, etc…I was called all the names. I struggle now but have slowly realized they were very odd people.
I have always felt like I was irresponsible. Finally, at work, when things are getting done and my error rate is the lowest, it dawned on me, I am a very responsible person and it had never really entered my head before that. My mother makes me feel like a bad person.
Hi Jerry. I am so glad I found your channel. I have been binge watching your videos and man are they insightful! I have heard about what you teach just not in the same manner in which you teach them. I am a psychology student on my way to receiving my masters, and I wish you were one of my professors. The way in which you teach about self-differentiation and learning to accept reality remind me a lot of the spiritual teachings I have learned throughout the years. You word a lot of these spiritual teaching in psychological terms that is easy for anyone to understand (because lets face it some of the spiritual jargon can be confusing for others and gets cast off quickly). Its a perfect blend of these two practices coming into one. My parents raised me with catholic ideology, but when I started veering away from their beliefs they shamed me a lot for it, most specifically my mother. It was tough the first year because they kept bringing it up and trying different tactics to persuade me back into the faith. Now that two years have passed I am doing much better with setting my boundaries and learning to accept the reality that they may never see fit and detaching from needing to be understood or approved of. My mother in law also carries a lot of narcissistic traits that triggers some of that anxiety within me. I want to commend you for your work and posting these videos. It is helping me make sense of what I am learning in school and apply it more effortlessly into my life. Thank you ❤ Blessings 🙏🏼
Spot on! Its so hard to see when you're raised by narcissistic parent. To you it must be normal. Hard to find yourself , heal and grow when you're from the black hole. Thanks for the ropes Jerry!
Thank u so much for this! I never considered family events, money, etc (non-people things) a form of triangulation in these relationships. Very eye-opening. Thank you Jerry!
It has been along journey coming to this point in my life as a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and Alcoholic Father that your help, care, videos and tools have truly given me a life of healing and restoration. Jerry you speak truth when you say it is possible to live free of the past. I feel that truth more and more! I am still practicing and listening to your wisdom. Your techniques definitely are key to true and lasting change! God Bless You and all you do to help so many!
I’m finally after decades honoring myself , my talents and simple dreams. I’ve put in lots of effort and therapy and realizing that I have limited time left on the planet so it’s now or never. I’m certainly not all the way there but learning to do things that are fun for me even if I do that alone like horse things, music, art.
O this is good stuff.. I really needed to hear this.. Hmm flying monkies..I am going to save this one but I save all of yours.. I had to cut everyone that my mom was connect to out of my life.. But they weren't safe people to begin with.. It is nice to have permission to treat the narcissist differently than I was before..
Thank you, Jerry. Your content has a ripple effect. I see the small effect within myself from absorbing your knowledge, and the effect it his on the teenagers that I work with. I can't thank you enough. I am so grateful that I am still learning. Be well
Hey Jerry, have you ever had a client who had a fairly good childhood with their parents ? Like having the freedom and support from @ least one parent to individualize and grow as a child/young adult. However, as soon as the client turned 18, that’s when all the narcissistic tactics really started with both parents ? That is my story. Fortunately for me, I moved away @ that age and that alone gave me the mental and physical space to continue growing. I only moved because I wanted to be back home in Chicago while my immediate family stayed in Portage, Indiana. But as I aged, I slowly realized that all that time away was actually a blessing. I feel like I turned out generally okay given the circumstances … but for my younger siblings it’s not so good. And that’s what makes me sad. I am now 31 years old and went no contact with my family due to the tug of war game we’ve been playing all these years. I am so much happier now and generally stress-free but sometimes I feel a sense of survivor’s guilt. I am sorry for the long message. I mainly just struggle with validation and the feeling of shame for leaving my family. Even though I know it was the right call. Anywho … thanks for your time, Jerry! Stay Wise!
Thank you so much for your support! All clients have very unique stories, however the underlying emotional enmeshment and dysfunction are often very similar. This is why I speak about self differentiation, a well differentiated person has better emotional tools to deal with life and take a stand also in the face of emotional toxicity & dysfunction. Lookout for my upcoming videos, I believe they can be helpful for you ❤️
I think I experienced something similar to what you describe in how your parents seemed to change as you aged. It caused serious problems for me. I can't get my head around the "change" later in our relationship. There is something important about this that we need answered. In our earliest years we were without assessment tools. We were just too undeveloped to understand that we didn't matter to them. It almost sounds like you parents gave you freedom to grow when young because they weren't involved with you. Does that make sense? You didn't rock the boat. Bet you were a basically good kid and they just fed you, clothed you and sent you to school. They didn't have a real relationship with you. Probably were relieved when you left. I don't even know how to talk about this type of upbringing. It is subtle. It kills you softly. One day you wake up and realize you never mattered and had lived in a house, not a home. You were homeless. Ever heard the song refrain that goes like this: "Sometimes I feel like a motherless child, a long way from home"? No mother, no home!
I wish I had understood these dynamics when I was in my thirties. Sadly I have also felt the sting of survivors guilt but my adult siblings (we are all in our fifties) are making it impossible to have a healthy relationship with. I’m afraid they have adopted much of the same behaviors as our parents. (Narc father especially). If I had understood what I was dealing with I would have gone no (or minimal) contact ages ago. Hopefully your sibs will see your choice as an option to choose a healthy path and maybe escape instead of repeating the dysfunction like mine have done.
Thank you Jerry . It has taken me many years to heal , at 70. Narcissistic parents need a golden child , scapegoat and an enabler, often . Family is torn apart. The prime narcissist whether father or mother only repeats I feel generational behavior handed down. However both the golden child and scapegoat child , I feel suffer. Non loving families do that . Thx .
After leaving for the military and afterwards college, I was gone from home almost 30 years. When finally located back and stated nearly 5 years, while finally saw so clearly was that I was better off without my father in my life.
A "normal" family was a bar too low for my absolutely amazing mother. In my 40s I still struggle with the intense guilt and anxiety of seeing her as less than perfect or seeing myself as someone with value who is worthy of respect and consideration.
If families with narcissistic manipulating abuses are not treated as a whole. The artfulness of games psychological psychopathic narcissistic manipulating abuses on many levels never-ending!
I have come to realize I have huge issues with not being believed by people. It stems from SA and not being believed and gaslit and scapegoated. How do I overcome that ?
THANK YOU JERRY! Been cruising through these types of videos for awhile now....and although some are good, I was never able to digest the strategies I needed. I was able to understand, and implement these strategies with even the people I work with! And the Shame and Guilt parts were so awesomely wise, that I no longer have to worry if it's "them," or "me." Taking the stress out of the interactions! Thanks again,
I am nearly 50 and slowly understanding about myself and my lack of self belief. (A friend has told me I need to look you up Jerry.) The last 20 years I was thinking my father was Asperger's but I'm now believing he's Narcissistic.
My mother destroyed my life, and I lost everything that meant anything to me. I’m trying to pick up everything, but I feel it’s too late for me.. I’ve got no contact with my mother and brother I’ve learned how to hate myself and feel guilty for failures
I wish I had encountered a therapist like this in my younger years. I would have made so many different decisions and choices in all aspects of life. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. This should be taught in High schools at the Junior and Senior levels and all college students should be exposed to this information. Wow!
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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you do great work, another good one, but I want to point out that pharma is new age fake science and they teach their glorified salesmen that money is in treating, not in curing. Since its inception, looking at the reaility, they harmed more people than they ever helped, their studies and result are all geared toward proving their points to sell more pills and hence they love pretending they can diagnose and of course they love inventing mental illnesses names for it and pathologizing everyone. Yet, the only ones who always have issues are pharma users and let me share that most people who are not asleep never use pharma aka nnew age sub science. Real medicine is available to all, nobody knows better than the person in the body what to do and if instead of teaching m ind control in those pathetic governmental schools of doom they taught useful stuff everyone would have an idea how to self soother, how their body works with the rest of the bodies we are comprised of and it would certainly not be about money. I really wish people who are non vegan and use ph arma realize they are part of the evil whether because they chose to or are so uninformed to not realize it. Pharma is not medicine in my books and I never consented to anything they do and just like me many others and since my body my choice I really find it ridiculous when people try to push that stuff on others. If people want to use it, go right ahead, but to claim it is medicine and try to impose on all of us is a bit too much and moving forward I am afraid, after their latest pun in 2020, many more people will join this group. BTW, according to Fauci we were all supposed to be dead, yet I haven't been jabbed in over 25 years and I am only doing better from long term chronic pain I was born with~ Proof is in the pudding. I bet many pharma users who are no longer here or have been maimed for life under the pretense of keeping them safe, wishe they listened to one of us who never use -pharma and yet never tried to impose our ways on others. Respect is a two way street and pharma fake care shows none, otherwise they would self distruct as they are useless as NASA is. Real truth never came out from them.
I learned another thing about my Mother..that she never had children but to fulfill the wants and needs of my Dad…
I always had an inkling that my Dad is an overt narcissist…but I only understood it clearly in considering how well she exploited US to benefit my Dad and her vision of what we are to them…
That’s why I now don’t see her as a victim…she is covert narcissist! She has been terribly helpful in violating our human rights just to sustain her relationship with my father.
Pardon me in saying this but both of my parents don’t give two PHUC’s about me and my brothers and sisters!
I can honestly say my overall family will be at peace once they both have passed!
Two of the most harmful people I have ever collaborated with in life!
I know I am abnormal but I also hate them both…
….for making me think they cared…in my youth!
I feel terribly lied to!!!
Thank you for this video presentation.
@@Proj.A.ZI finally realized this as well.
I'm fed up with the unhealthy mindset that we are indebted to our parents, that we have to respect them even if they ruin our lives. I'm fed up with wasting my life to take care of them and tend to their needs at the expense of my wellbeing and health. I want to live my own life.
This
The Bible says, 'do not provoke your children to anger' 😢
It's all hopeless for you'...
Please take care of yourself! You can over come the disregulation that came from the systems feeling. Also, the need to care for them is not real it's a false sense they programmed you to do. We have to come out of being hypnotized by the system they placed inside of us.
Are they disabled?
Don't tell them your opinion, even about the weather. They will use it against you.
Yep. That is why I almost does not day everything to my ND.
I get it. I’ve had one argue with me about the weather forecast.
@@MCat-yv3hl same here. Even the most basic normal people stuff
😂❤
Boom!
Even as a child I knew my mother was not right.
I wish I had known that earlier like you did. When I went nc I still believed that I was the defective one, her actions, though legitimate in my mind, hurt too much so I left. She sure had me fooled!
I would add, when I went NC she had started her rage on me when I was home on leave on my way to Japan. I had already served in Vietnam (1969/70), and a stint in the Boston area.
I spent most of my 60 year old life believing I am defective until my mum climbed into my ex husband's car and went off for the Christmas holidays with him half an hour after I told her we were getting divorced...
That changed my life and forced me to see things for what they are and move away forever.
I have become my own witness protection agent and block anyone who attempts to scapegoat me or get toxic with me.
I've been called selfish, unkind, unreasonable, mad, bad, impossible, irrational... It still hurts but the hurt eases as my strength grows.
Become your own witness protection programme - that is wonderful!
lol I walked away to at 44 but then got the call from hospital that she had cancer and got dragged back but was finally set free 4 years ago almost 5 and it is so damn sad that it took her death to finally set me free
Thank you 🙏🏾 for your comment. It helps me! Blessings to you!
My mom just said those hurtful words to me and all I can think is because I won't stay here and pay her second home! I'm headed to the beach. She can weave her controlling critical web around someone else. I'm out of here.
Observe and Don't Absorb. This will take practice. My Mother uses emotional manipulation, guilt and shame.
It's so hard, i feel so bad that I internalised it but it's good to know I have my share of power otherwise I felt crushed by her energy and good choice of words
I can see where my mother lured me into reactive abuse scenario’s. I’m glad to know I don’t have to react at all. Will she implode??😊
I believe in you Mary, yes it is extremely hard at the beginning. The more and more we understand that everybody can change, it's more then likely we have to get comfortable with the uncomfortably understanding. Your mother as well as mine won't change, due to the fact they have been living there life getting by how your mother is doing to you Mary. Keep it Groovy.
Knowledge and education is the key to transform and change every living human soul including the animals as well ....narcs have ruined billions lives in this universe especially kids and adults as well who are not literate and have no notion on narcissists bullies etc..kids are dropping out of school etc due to the bullies and toxic defective people that existed in this universe!!! If i get a chance and opportunity to transform every living souls who are suffering from these symptoms I would in the future by the grace of God etc...stay safe out there sister 🙏!!@ take care of yourself know your worth and value !!! Never and ever chase love know your worth you are e enough !@@
They are absolute masters at it. Grey Rock is the best method if we cannot go No Contact.
Narc parents are a burden for their children. They are children in the body of a grown-up
Well said. The narc parents are like demons with the face of a human.
Agree. Agree. Agree.
Every adult narc is a child in a grown-up body.
Kids having kids a la the bible...
as a narcissist myself, who is a survivor of extremely narc abusive parents, one of the best revelations i had was that i should and wish not to procreate. i am not putting innocent life into this myself. i have 70 years to overcome and to detox my own self. im not bringing innocents into that and i wish those 2 damaged nutjobs wouldve had the decency for this in 1984 themselves.
"We've learned to give the narcissistic parent way too much power". We've also given them too much credit. Too much credit for being smart or smarter than us and everybody around us, too all knowing, too talented, too skilled, too influential (as kids are apt to do)... It's only once we get older and gain some experience that we realize what has happened and what's been done to us and we realize how frail and breakable those people really are. And that WE have the power. The power to ignore, dismiss, and cut off.
Beautifully written
@@satyasatya6694 Thank you!
Not all are frail! Some are strong enough to continue to try to wield their power over and abuse of others all their lives! IMHO. That's been my experience. I agree that we DO have power over how WE respond.
absolutely liberating to read!!! thank you for sharing omarra and bless you
I never once thought my parents were that smart.
It’s why they always abused the crap out of me.
Yes!!! I had a terrible counselor when I tried to bring this up!! She said oh you should have compassion on your mom so I reached out to my mom only to have her almost destroy my marriage and relationship w one of my daughters!! Never again! No contact for 2 years
Damn...that's scary
Most “therapists” are so far left it’s ridiculous. They usually are as mentally ill or more than the clients they are supposedly helping. I advise great caution when trying to find a therapist….buyer beware!
90% suck & make u feel worse😮😢@@karmadog4565
@@karmadog4565😂😂😂far right, you mean
@@bohofoto6929 no far left....I work with them. They're all far left.
My mother is the narcissist. My dad was an alcoholic. At Xmas time at age 40. My dad called me a stupid sh-t in front of a small group of relatives. I was in my last 2 weeks of treatment for alcoholism and had been sober for almost 3 months. I was a different person after 24 years as a drunk. I told my dad I was tired of being called that. I then said: how would you like it if I called you that, you stupid sh-t.? Not a word out of his mouth.
It blew my mind when Jerry said that we are programmed to protect our narcissistic parents. It was not until after my parents were dead, that I realized that I have all of the signs of a child living through narcissism. It basically melted my mind the moment I realized that they were indeed ‘ducks’.
My dad was the adult child of an alcoholic dad. My therapist called my dad a dry drunk.
Normal rules, I can't believe that it took me till I turned 50 yrs old to realize how damaged both sides of the family have been. I've worked on myself for 18 yrs. and they still can't accept the fact that I've become more of truly me. I've created a whole me and I'll be 69 next month the few relatives I have don't care for this person I've become. It's like walking through fire and coming out not burned!
Very similar story Dee. People can't stand when you become a self!
I so relate to this. I realized my siblings liked the version of me
that was anxious and depressed. Recovery work and therapy has brought me through a divorce and given me a new life. I’m happily remarried and have a good life and they can’t stand to be around me now.
@@dnk4559 congratulations, the person you need to validate is yourself you've come a long way. Just know toxic people are still out there and that you're strong enough to be able to say, "No".
@@Latoree33 thank you!
Wow, same here. My family ignore all my good changes and the fact that I am making different decisions based on what's good for me. I am excited to see that I don't even like to hang out with my mom's brother. He is an ass and bully. She allowed this man to ridicule me since a child, and I realized that I do not have to take this anymore. I don't like most of my family members, except for few, they can be worse than total estrangers.
Since the title of this video is "Deadly Beliefs", I was expecting to hear about the physical damage that narcs do to their victims. Obviously there is psychological harm, but physical ailments are also a product of the relentless abuse. I had constant stomach and digestive issues, asthma, allergies, skin issues, you-name-it. It was not until I went "no contact" with my parents (because they decided to start criticizing my daughter and I would not let that happen), that ALL of my physical problems disappeared. No more allergies or asthma, no more digestive issues, my skin cleared up, my headaches went away. Had I let the abuse go on, I literally could have died. I am now in my 60's and take no medication. When my parents died, the relief was extraordinary. People really need to ask themselves: If they met these people in daily life, at work or socially, would they want them as friends? If the answer is no, then don't keep toxic family around, either. They are doing emotional AND PHYSICAL harm.
There are definitely visceral responses/manifestatins from parents. I see it in my wife. She will get physically sick before or after seeing her parents. Or even just a ridiculous phone call will trigger it.
I hear you so clearly.
What you are saying really spells out so much and I will bet explains the physical problems of a significant percentage of the adult population.
When I was about 30, I told my sister that if she WASN'T my sister, she sure as heck wouldn't be my friend.
Oddly enough I knew at age 8 I was in a looney tunes family. Later, in counseling, I got the tools to handle it. Finally told my narc mom she can call me any name in the book and it just doesn’t matter. I told her I knew I was a nice person and she can think what she wants. None of my family rattle me anymore. I just stare at them and don’t respond.
Congratulations! I have not been able to totally do that yet. They still rattle me. Best of luck to stay strong!
Yes! Therapists just gloss it over and "focus on now". That's obviously important, but these massive psychological injuries hurt us and wreck our lives every day, and we can't just pretend that we're okay. We've already been doing that our whole lives.
True. I have a video on this th-cam.com/video/M9lyB2QLjf4/w-d-xo.htmlsi=TC0HtZiJh5lxMsRc
@@jerrywise Thank you! And thank you for your videos.
I KNEW something was wrong with my mom. I TOTALLY rebelled as an Adult so I ended up moving across the state, My mom tells my siblings and even has called my son and told him and them I WAS the CRAZY one.
Yes that's what they do! When my husband deteriorated and mortified into a psychitic state, my narc mother phoned thd eldest of my children, as well as the gay minister of our church (the bloke resigned shortly after it) to tell them I was the reason. When he came home from the psychiatric ward, he came back to me and said....I was like a mother to him.And we were happy like the 40 years before that.
Dad is a narcissist. He expects me to back up his image, lies! I won't back him up!
I got called crazy too for speaking the truth
She is the power hunger crazy one to torture innocents and vulnerable to feel in charge and control so in order to not to feel weak ever again and compensate old wounds. Sorry. You are the strong one, you are the divinely protected one that’s what she can’t have and despises you for it. She is actually rebelling divine male in you. Why you protecting this weak but not me ? to her you are ”undeserving” “ inferior” one. She is the “superior” one her ego and jealousy demons in her saying
but didnt protect me at the time when I was hurt.
No, you weren't.
Jerry, your discussion about beliefs is so important. Our subconscious beliefs are the driving force in our lives. If a child believes they are bad then they will grow up to create a world based on their 'badness.' So they die twice; once as a child and again as an adult.
Well said
Yes, Well said!
I want to help
I got this so clear when I was younger
My mom didn’t get it my mom didn’t want me to be friends with people with issues but we had issues and nobody looked at it only me only me whichThen gives people the idea that I and paranoid and crazy
More easily gaslit than ever before
Those bullies come from pain and trauma and then it gets more pain and trauma and groups of people I finally understand my dysfunction groups of people gets ugly my mom cared but Adulting can be rough and all the issues nobody worked out with my mother they take out on me because I look just like her I just keep asking God to have mercy on us
So sad
I just sat down and ruminated on my past with EP. It dawned on me she will never change, she will never care about me the way she should, she is a toddler in a 70 yr old body. I am not responsible for her BS anymore. I have freed myself of the shackles and the nasty, hateful voice in my head had been silenced. She is confusing: always harsh, critical, uncaring but also ENVIOUS of me?! What. Narcissists are weird, yo.
My mom. Yah it's weird, embarrassing, heartbreaking.
My therapist with 30 years experience told me my case of child abuse was the most severe he had ever seen. I told him everything. Went no contact 21 years ago, no regrets.
I blame society at large for an ACON's inability to truly see their narcissistic parents as the destructive monsters that they are. Society (or more accurately, the parts of it that count) want abuse victims to shut up. "Shut up!" they scream. "You're destroying the family. Just put up with it."
So now we all have to shut up to make social conservatives happy. Because abuse doesn't undermine families, but talking about it does.
This pisses me off no end.
oh my god you absolutely nailed it!!! thanks for this insight
Not going to shut up to please the conservatives. My people pleasing era is ending.
Very very true and its reached ridiculous victim shaming proportions.
Those people are not “social conservatives.” They are people who were abused by *their* parents and can’t face it. You are reminding them of all this. If you are still enmeshed with telling people what happened you will continue to have them indicting you. Tell no one except a professional therapist. Child abuse is epidemic. We are barely even beginning to face this let alone properly deal with it. You need no one to validate your very bad experience.
Narcissists are not monsters. Our wounded inner child or teen may seem them as such. Our inner adult can see that hurt people hurt people.
Without a shadow of a doubt, the realization that my mother is a covert narcissist is the most important insight of all. I am a mother myself, and I want nothing less than to pass this poison on to my children. In fact, the realization is so liberating that I don't want to diagnose her anymore. I used to try to do that for decades, to bring order to disorder. Now I understand. Don't let the "professionals" decide what you or your parents are. They too often side with the narcissists and are therefore conspirators. They have hurt me more and stopped my own healing.
I went from an enmeshed relationship with my parents to moving out with my girlfriend very suddenly 2 months ago, and every point of contact since then has been “What’s going on with you?” or “Do you not care about your family anymore and want nothing to do with us? Then just say so!” When in reality I’ve been enjoying the freedom of not being in the environment I was for the last 20 years and haven’t figured out the kind of relationship I’d like to have with them. Just yesterday I didn’t answer some of their phone calls and they came to my new place and pounded on my window demanding that I open the door or they’d call the police for a “Wellness Check”. My gf came out (first time meeting them by the way) and observed all this to which my parents made it seem like something is wrong with me and asked her if I was on drugs. The whole experience was embarrassing, and has left me not wanting to have any contact with them for awhile. I’m not sure how to deal with this issue now having been through these events
You need to tell them, you are doing what "NORMAL" people do. Leave their interpreted fabrication to them. Don't argue or explain yourself, say, Sorry, I can't control what you think. Good bye 😅
Yup, awareness of narcissism is not a given. Back when I was 21 or 22, I told my father he was trying to control my life. I don't remember any of that. But my father does. He just recently reminded me, in very harsh, angry words, that I had "accused him" of being controlling, and therefore, he'd decided right then that he's out of my life: that he'd only be present, or help me if I asked. This is 20 years of holding an enormous grudge. He'd NEVER contact me first, all these years, only as a reply. I never knew why. Now he told me.
My mom died this year. We both grieved, for the first 2 months, and my father almost seemed normal, I'd come to mom's house every day, we'd both spend time together. Then, in that same conversation, he told me, "And I'm sick of playing your father-daughter game!" A game? I was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't quite as narcissistic as I thought...it was no game to me. This was the most hurtful thing ever. Bc it's a projection of his own feelings, on me: it was a game to him.
I'm proud of myself for not crying when he told me this. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't cry. I'm never ashamed of crying, but in this case, he knew it would hurt me, but he didn't get to see as much hurt as he probably expected.
Wow I’m so sorry
If I'm giving them the power, then I have the power to stop giving them the power.
Thank you Jerry. My Narcissistic parent has passed but you are helping me understand the legacy they left behind and the reason for so much difficulty in my relationships with my siblings. I guess the scapegoat always plays an important role
and not just for the toxic parent.
I can so relate to your comment.
Thanks for sharing!
I can relate... amazing how it follows the victims through life, even after the narc is dead. I wish it wouldn't. I am sick of it.
I knew my family was not a Leave It to Beaver family. A friendly loving atmosphere was missing. We were managed and dealt with even at holidays unless outside people were present. Then they were nice. Sadly my siblings absorbed this as the norm. I was the squeaky wheel and a square peg that lead to them bullying me.
I have known my mother's gig from a time long before Narcissism was so widely known. I learned about it from the DSM-3. Yet until about a year ago, I kept asking myself if I was making it all up. Denial is by far the most difficult obstacle to overcome.
I was reading a book by M. Scott Peck called, "People of the Lie," & I recognized the signs of narcissism in my ex husband. As I kept reading, it dawned on me that I had married my mother-I married a man who was so much like my mother, that I got sick to my stomach. I never realized it until i had read M. Scott Peck's book. I escaped both people by leaving & having no contact. My mother always blamed me for everything, & then, my siblings would blame me. I've been accused of running away from problems, but I feel that I run away from the drama caused by intentionally created problems that can never be fixed.
I really loved Peck's book. I hope you were "running away from problems" (problem people) :)
There was a time when I wanted more close contact with family members, but the response from narcissistic family members was: if you want more contact, this is not the way, you have to be more this and that! - do and think the way they want you to do. Then I finally realized that less contact is the way and I am becoming much more confident.
I'm a 70 year old woman. I have only discovered in the last 3 years what hit me. I didn't even know about NPD. I was raised by a violent, abusive mother who sabotaged my life beginning very early (who says to a 7 year old: 'You're never going to amount to anything. You're going to be a criminal and wind up in jail.") This in response to watching cartoons on Saturday morning. My father was an alcoholic by 12 years into this hellish experience. My sister and I, as adults, joked that the fact that we didn't take to drink or drugs was an indicator that we had a lack of initiative. I married, right out of high school, a grandiose narcissist and ended that mess after 24 years. At age 49, married a malignant covert narcissist with psychopathic traits. I didn't discover him until I was 67 years old and that on the occasion of a particularly heinous discard that coincided with my retirement.
Bless
Wow.
The very first therapist I had when I was 25 pegged my mom as a Narc.
It took 20 years for me to fully understand that term and the toxic dynamic of my family.
Finally went no contact with my family last year. Whew 😮💨
Free at last 🙏🏾✨💯❤️🙌🏽
My narc parents loved using opportunities of acting as though they were giving sound life advice but it was hidden jealousy and word curses. They really wanted to sabotage my future and make me think i was doomed if I didn't listen to their nonsense.
Yes, every conversation is not a conversation but you don't know that when you open yourself up to talking. All engagement devolves into a critical judgement of you and your personality, thoughts and choices. You are always trying to please them so that this negativity doesn't land on you but you don't realize it's rigged to go that way because that's how they see you and it will never change.
I had to go nc for my own protection. Things got legal, and my attorney highly recommended the no contact status. My health since has improved, my focus and concentration, my mood has improved.. everything has improved to the point I feel I've come out of a bad storm. Only now do I feel like a real person.. before I was only surviving and reacting.
accepting that my mom is a narcissist was the firstcstep in my healing. it freed me from the self-blame that kept me sick for so many years. thank you for opening my eyes to the unembellished facts.
Learning all this makes me regret being a good kid to my parents and suppressing my true self to please them....its best to heal regardless cant hold on to the regret forever... thank you Jerry you are an icon❤❤ and a hero .God bless you
💯
The greatest gift they could have known is knowing the real you, it’s their loss
My narcissistic mother would treat me as if I could never bring anyone joy. She was a harsh critic.
I’m still trying to unlearn treating myself harshly.
3:45 THIS IS ME!!!! I grew up with one parent (dad) that was a substance abuser, and the other (mom) that I just discovered is a narcissist. My dad’s behavior was always undeniable because he up and left us when I was little so that he could put his addiction first.
My mom, on the other hand, I felt sorry for and therefore always brushed off her behavior. I’ve been doing some form therapy for the last couple of years and have gone no-contact for over a year, and it’s taken me til the last few months to recognize my mom’s behavior for what it is.
I think for me to understand both of my parents behaviors simultaneously, especially growing up, would have been way too overwhelming. I HAD to believe that I had at least one “normal” parent, even though deep down I knew my mother displayed inexcusable and selfish behaviors.
As an adult, I moved across the country from the rest of my family. Even though for many years I still had contact with my parents, I was in denial that my dad STILL had a drinking problem (because I obviously wasn’t there anymore in person) and forgot how bad it was til we visited each other.
It’s sad because my mom’s cruel behavior drives my dad to drinking. Yet, if my dad got his drinking under control, I believe my mom could be put in her place. I took the blame for a lot of their behaviors growing up, and for my sisters’ behaviors, too. I have two sisters- one turned out just like my dad, the other turned out just like my mom. The best choice I ever made was to go no-contact with all of them, stop beating myself up, and educate myself on narcissistic abuse. I can’t fix anyone in this family. It’s heartbreaking.
In my case, I would absorb the insults, shaming, and physical abuse from my narc father because I was told it was for my own good, to set me on the "straight road" and stop me from being a total fuck-up. Because I was born bad and wrong, don't you know that.
Repression of the truth. And idealize the parents it's sickening. Pervasive denial.
Good point about not focusing on a diagnosis, of anyone really. You end up getting minimized and gaslighted. Instead, you see the traits that run in a pattern. When you get to the point where you can accurately predict how they will act or what they will say in certain situations thats a big red flag. You dont need to have validation from anyone to know you are right. My husband has been shocked a few times wondering how did I know they would do or say that?! Its a pattern. They dont change and react on emotion rather than facts. If they are confronted with their behavior they dont apologize or change their behavior, they get defensive, twist it, project and name call.
20:00 avoiding and detaching from their volatility, detaching from theirs beliefs about you, internal/external boundaries, becoming immune to their way of communicating, staying out of triangles with them, handling smear campaigns and flying monkeys, stopping defending self and be strategic instead, all part of being authentic self with narcissists…good example responses included.
I'm 58.
38 yrs ago I went into counseling for ' adult children or alcohol and dysfunctional families'. Just a couple weeks ago I watched one of your videos, and all these memories started popping up as I listened. My mother had NPD. FINALLY, things fell into place. Now, I can start to recover. Thank you so very much for giving me my life back!
I think I'm going to need to relisten to this many times over for it to sink in. I'm 41 and just now learning these things. 41 years of bad habits to break. Hoping I can teach my daughter at an early age these things so she can be much further than I am by my age. Thank you for what you do!
After 34 years in Al-Anon, working a program consistently, I wouldn't take away my abusive background now - because it sometimes helps others see what works. I really like your detachment with love attitude in dealing with narcissistic family members - the specific examples and ways to respond are very workable.
Thank you Beth, I'm glad the video resonated with you and the examples were helpful.
Detachment with love is the only real detachment there is. If we aren’t detaching out of love, we aren’t really detaching ❤️
I thank GOD for teaching me as an adolescent not to care what my parents say or think about me. I lost all respect for them as a child. I didn't believe they were my real parents until I was about 10yrs old. I used to think my real parents were coming to take me away with them until I was about 10yrs old. In my early 20s I started distanting myself from my DNA relatives & don't regret that move at all. It's more peaceful without those ppl in my life!!!
Happens in culty religious organizations, too [when they posture as your 'new' family]...
I am a bachelor in Psychology, worked as a therapist for more than 5 years, and just last year I realised I was raised by narcissistic parents, after going through a toxic marriage with a narcissistic man. It was a huge breakthrough in my life, I used to blame myself so much and think I was a broken person... everything they repeated to me during all my life, I internalised so much, that I lived most of my life thinking I was the guilty one.. Just by realising that, it was a huge relief, it made me end the toxic relationship, and also be able to live a more balanced life without psychiatric medication. But, at the time I found out, it triggered a huge existencial crisis, I had panic attacks and lost contact with reality, right before I decide to scape the house i shared with the narcissistic husband. Now I can manage the limits between me and my parents better, taking more distance and being aware of their paterns.. People have to know more about that, I realised lots of people and families I know deal with a narcissistic figure that is close to them and caused and still causes lots of problems, and they are simply unaware of that... Thank you so much for this content!
I always knew my parents were a bit twisted and I found it very difficult to spend time with them. They both past away over ten years ago which has given me a real sense of freedom in my life. I still have a need to develop some clarity about them and these videos have really helped me to see that they were Narcissists.
Our mother was the most difficult person I've ever met. We knew from our early childhoods that something was terribly wrong with Mom -- her suicide attempts, physical and emotional abuse were an ordinary part of our lives that we weren't allowed to question. Her "apology" was reliably, "I'm sorry but you...." We protected her because, "You don't disrespect your parents no matter what!" Even when Mom marches you into a psychologist's office claiming you need help, but the sessions end because the counselor determines Mom needs help, you still defend her even when she accuses you of manipulating the professional.
Eventually, I walked away, because I was convinced being around her -- even sitting there like a stone -- was fuel for abuse. I determined Mom was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". Anything and everything I ever said to or did for her was misconstrued and used against me. Then after years of study I thought she might have Borderline Personality Disorder, and study of BPD led me to appreciate she was a full-blown, pathological narcissist.
My mother should never have had children. We didnt measure up to her idea of perfect fairy tale children. She was brutal.
Even therapists... even when you tell them... Exactly!
Thank you for your wonderful work. As a CONP, I think accepting your parent's narcissism can feel a little like giving up on them. Letting them die even. You've been programmed all your life to look out for them, and then, when you cannot take it anymore, you are forced to let them go in a way that looks like abandonment to the rest of the world and, more importantly, to yourself.
Yes, I was going low contact and they were telling extended family that I was crazy and obsessed with my health. I was dealing with chronic health issues, lost organs from inflammation and cancer and couldn't handle the stress of being around her. She wanted me to get on a plane and visit during the pandemic and I didn't want to with my immune disorder. I felt the only reason she kept bringing it up is because of that part of her that almost got me killed other times in the past being willfully negligent. I went no contact to avoid being harassed about my chronic immune system and avoiding crowds and traveling. Then she caught it and died. You feel like you were a source of supply like air and when you decided to withdraw from the narcissist they suffocated. I had to go no contact to survive her.
I'm learning more and more that we do have choices about how we feel despite the voices in out head, the free rent squatters inside. Eviction is in order. Thank you for sharing
Yup true. My therapist always says "I can't diagnose your mother". I will tell her "but she is a narcissist".
I had a Father who was Excessively Violent, an Alcoholic, Drug User. He used to try to Kill Us, by trying to Hit Us in His Car, Choking, and Being Sadistic, by Making Us Fight Each Other Physically. But He was Also a Psychiatric Charge Nurse, so We were in an Extremely Dangerous Situation with Him. He told Everyone who would Listen that We were Crazy. It Carried Weight because of His Position in Our Community. I'm Fiftynine Year's Old Now and I'm Worn Out by it, because My Almost Forty Year Old Son is One Aswell. I am So Appreciative of how You are Explaining these Things because You are Bold in Making these Things Clear. He would Use Shame, and Guilt like He was Feeding Us Poison, through a Syringe Drip by Drip. It was just this Year that I decided I'm Not going to Carry His Shame for the Rest of My Life, but Unfortunately I had to Let Go of My Son, I Realised I Can't Help Him, It's Heartbreaking. 💙🌊
The thing you said about narcissists is so true Jerry, thier condition prevents them from becoming normal. My narsiccitic mother in law who was so toxic and full of energy to prove to everyone that she is the sweetest and kind person in the family has tried to ruin my relationships directly or indirectly. Now she's weak and fragile exploited by other family members, but not able to understand what went wrong. I feel pity for her. Whereas we victims can come out strong with therapy and help from wonderful people like you, who have set an example for us. Thank you so much Jerry! God bless!
Shruthi, I'm so sorry you went through all this, and I'm glad that my videos were helpful to you, thank you for your support!
I was trapped living with my parents till I was 25. Was told by my mother that I wouldn't survive if I moved out so I shouldn't even bother trying. This among other things has severely stunted the adult I've grown into.
It's been almost ten years since then, and even though I've made some leaps (married with three kids, a comfortable life), my mother and what she's done is still influencing my life. I come back to this point every couple months, and somehow I always talk myself out of staying low/no contact with her and my father.
Omg I can't tell you how often my mom repeated that our family is "normal" over my childhood years when I came to her so many times for help..
I have chosen no contact with my narcissistic father for the past 18 months,after the death of my mother. He has turned numerous family members against me despite all the financial help I have given them in the past.
I am staying the course and creating a much happier life than I have ever had.I am enrolled in your program and have learned so much from you.
Thank you for imparting such wisdom!
Thank you so much for that video! Realizing that my parents' behaviour and way of thinking was not normal, was a major breakthrough for me, because it also meant that there is nothing wrong with me. As a kid, I was treated in ways that were not right or normal, but that had nothing to with anything inside me, and today I may have behaviour patterns that are not helpful, but those are reactions to what happened to me as a kid, and I can work on them. So, again, nothing is wrong with ME. Also, my parents certainly aren't grandious narcissists, and I have no idea what their clinical diagnosis would be, but I know that every time I watch videos on narcissistic parents and family structures, loads of things and structures become clear to me. So, I suppose they are somewhere on the spectrum. The 3rd belief is the one I am struggling with right now, trying to get myself to realize that they can no longer destroy what I am doing. Still, they are extremely negative and toxic, so I do not want to talk to them about what I am doing, because I do not want these poisonous words and thoughts in my brain, and I keep them at arm's length. Thank you so much for all of your videos. Your channel was (and is) one of the things that helped me through difficult times. I love your matter-of-fact, down-to-earth approach and your way of reasoning with the narcissist.
You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful. Thank you for watching the video!
I left my family almost 10 years ago and being away from them has given me so much clarity and relief. My parents have iced me out and don't put forth any means of repair. Jokes on them, though, I'm perfectly fine never speaking to them again. After decades of abuse i finally got what i wanted.
you phrased it really well. That you Arent trying to diagnose other people for legal or medical purposes but to help inform people of where their defecits are. Acon's that search for outside sources of validation arent trying to tell others what's going on, or trying to make others look bad. We are genuinely asking, "am i allowed to believe this" which is part of the problem, we shouldn't have to ask ourselves such questions, others don't understand because they aren't inhibited in that way
Agreed. My last therapist was useless, triggered me all over the place and said my parents are emotionally immature (like err yes I'd worked that out!), then straight into radical acceptance. The acceptance I needed was a safe space for someone outside to look at what's happening and help me understand and stop blaming myself. She just added to my trauma and feeling diamissed (which is what both my parents already do!). They're not feelings people unless it's their feelings!!
Im 42 years old and only this year I read for the first time about the scapegoat child and the family dynamics of a NM.... Nothing ever before this information explained my life so well! My life never made so much sense until I learned this information!!! I am so great full for youtube and all the different channels including yours that talk this topic. Is important we kids from this kind of parents know, learn are aware so we can brake free!!! Thank you so much for the work you do, you are saving lives!!!
- 1:30 💡 Difficulty accepting and labeling narcissistic parents due to the need to protect the integrity of caregivers
- 3:15 💡 Lack of awareness about narcissism among adult children and therapists
- 5:45 💡 The danger of believing that parents are normal but just have many problems
- 8:20 💡 The impact of narcissistic parents on feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness
- 11:10 💡 The possibility of healing and recovering from a difficult childhood and adulthood
- 14:05 💡 The struggle to be one's true self in the presence of a narcissistic parent and the importance of setting boundaries
Created with NoteGPT
So true. I have done many counseling sessions and the topic of narcissism never came up. There are only a precious few counselors who address the issue.
Thank you for your talk about aunt Betty. I am currently in no contact with my mother and her sister called me. She didn't want to hear my reason but to shame me into coming back : your mother is sad, she is sick etc. The straw that broke the camel back for me was that I am sick as well. I supported my mother but not only she didn't support me, she repeatedly ignored my illness for years. And she even didn't believe me for a long period of time. I am not even 100% she believe me now. I want to stand up for myself so I told her numerous time if she didn't clean her act I would leave. I acted upon her action. And now she doesn't understand why ? Total BS
Jerry, it’s taken me a lifetime to be aware, deal with and see how narcissistic parent has played in my life, effected my life, and I have to still work with.. not easy and not pleasant but a journey to walk on.. with differentiation, boundaries and more.
I’m a therapist and went into my field in order to understand myself many years ago, and still I’m learning daily weekly monthly yearly.
I appreciate your public service, normalizing and giving clarity to many.. people really need support and someone to talk with , finding someone who can listen, understand and guide.
Therapists sometimes are worst that parents
Mine was a total failure
Didn't help me at all
Only created more mess and disfunction
The goal of most therapists is to get us back to work, not having the skills to enjoy that work or life.
I appreciate your videos. I needed these in my early 20s. I am old now and think If I understood then what I know now I might have made better decisions. I didn't know then that putting up boundaries was healthy. I never set boundaries then. I thought saying NO was selfish. Now I understand better how to watch out for myself.
Oh yes. I grew up thinking I was soooo bad. Stupid, ugly, etc…I was called all the names. I struggle now but have slowly realized they were very odd people.
I have always felt like I was irresponsible. Finally, at work, when things are getting done and my error rate is the lowest, it dawned on me, I am a very responsible person and it had never really entered my head before that. My mother makes me feel like a bad person.
Hi Jerry. I am so glad I found your channel. I have been binge watching your videos and man are they insightful! I have heard about what you teach just not in the same manner in which you teach them. I am a psychology student on my way to receiving my masters, and I wish you were one of my professors. The way in which you teach about self-differentiation and learning to accept reality remind me a lot of the spiritual teachings I have learned throughout the years. You word a lot of these spiritual teaching in psychological terms that is easy for anyone to understand (because lets face it some of the spiritual jargon can be confusing for others and gets cast off quickly). Its a perfect blend of these two practices coming into one. My parents raised me with catholic ideology, but when I started veering away from their beliefs they shamed me a lot for it, most specifically my mother. It was tough the first year because they kept bringing it up and trying different tactics to persuade me back into the faith. Now that two years have passed I am doing much better with setting my boundaries and learning to accept the reality that they may never see fit and detaching from needing to be understood or approved of. My mother in law also carries a lot of narcissistic traits that triggers some of that anxiety within me. I want to commend you for your work and posting these videos. It is helping me make sense of what I am learning in school and apply it more effortlessly into my life. Thank you ❤ Blessings 🙏🏼
Spot on! Its so hard to see when you're raised by narcissistic parent. To you it must be normal. Hard to find yourself
, heal and grow when you're from the black hole. Thanks for the ropes Jerry!
Thank u so much for this! I never considered family events, money, etc (non-people things) a form of triangulation in these relationships. Very eye-opening. Thank you Jerry!
You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful.
I hadn’t considered that either. My father uses money and housing in that regard.
It has been along journey coming to this point in my life as a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and Alcoholic Father that your help, care, videos and tools have truly given me a life of healing and restoration. Jerry you speak truth when you say it is possible to live free of the past. I feel that truth more and more! I am still practicing and listening to your wisdom. Your techniques definitely are key to true and lasting change! God Bless You and all you do to help so many!
Great reminder, Jerry!! 💖🙏
Narc will triangulate with Things (e.g. money, or a holiday) as well as Ppl.
Yes they do
What does triangulating with things look like?
My mother had a way of making me that I didn't have a lot of worth. If I do anything in my adult life notable I feel so guilty, anxious.
I’m finally after decades honoring myself , my talents and simple dreams. I’ve put in lots of effort and therapy and realizing that I have limited time left on the planet so it’s now or never. I’m certainly not all the way there but learning to do things that are fun for me even if I do that alone like horse things, music, art.
I am grateful, Mr. Wise for your sharing on this topic. It's beginning to unravel, but I am still extremely angry that this happened to me.
O this is good stuff.. I really needed to hear this.. Hmm flying monkies..I am going to save this one but I save all of yours.. I had to cut everyone that my mom was connect to out of my life.. But they weren't safe people to begin with.. It is nice to have permission to treat the narcissist differently than I was before..
Thank you, Jerry. Your content has a ripple effect. I see the small effect within myself from absorbing your knowledge, and the effect it his on the teenagers that I work with. I can't thank you enough. I am so grateful that I am still learning. Be well
You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful. Thank you for watching the video!
Hey Jerry, have you ever had a client who had a fairly good childhood with their parents ? Like having the freedom and support from @ least one parent to individualize and grow as a child/young adult. However, as soon as the client turned 18, that’s when all the narcissistic tactics really started with both parents ?
That is my story. Fortunately for me, I moved away @ that age and that alone gave me the mental and physical space to continue growing. I only moved because I wanted to be back home in Chicago while my immediate family stayed in Portage, Indiana. But as I aged, I slowly realized that all that time away was actually a blessing. I feel like I turned out generally okay given the circumstances … but for my younger siblings it’s not so good. And that’s what makes me sad.
I am now 31 years old and went no contact with my family due to the tug of war game we’ve been playing all these years. I am so much happier now and generally stress-free but sometimes I feel a sense of survivor’s guilt. I am sorry for the long message. I mainly just struggle with validation and the feeling of shame for leaving my family. Even though I know it was the right call. Anywho … thanks for your time, Jerry! Stay Wise!
Thank you so much for your support!
All clients have very unique stories, however the underlying emotional enmeshment and dysfunction are often very similar.
This is why I speak about self differentiation, a well differentiated person has better emotional tools to deal with life and take a stand also in the face of emotional toxicity & dysfunction.
Lookout for my upcoming videos, I believe they can be helpful for you ❤️
@@jerrywise I am eagerly looking forward to your next videos. Thank you for your time.
I think I experienced something similar to what you describe in how your parents seemed to change as you aged. It caused serious problems for me. I can't get my head around the "change" later in our relationship. There is something important about this that we need answered. In our earliest years we were without assessment tools. We were just too undeveloped to understand that we didn't matter to them. It almost sounds like you parents gave you freedom to grow when young because they weren't involved with you. Does that make sense? You didn't rock the boat. Bet you were a basically good kid and they just fed you, clothed you and sent you to school. They didn't have a real relationship with you. Probably were relieved when you left. I don't even know how to talk about this type of upbringing. It is subtle. It kills you softly. One day you wake up and realize you never mattered and had lived in a house, not a home. You were homeless. Ever heard the song refrain that goes like this: "Sometimes I feel like a motherless child, a long way from home"? No mother, no home!
@@nancybartley4610 I am sorry you went thru this as well. I too would love to hear more about this is in upcoming videos.
I wish I had understood these dynamics when I was in my thirties. Sadly I have also felt the sting of survivors guilt but my adult siblings (we are all in our fifties) are making it impossible to have a healthy relationship with. I’m afraid they have adopted much of the same behaviors as our parents. (Narc father especially). If I had understood what I was dealing with I would have gone no (or minimal) contact ages ago. Hopefully your sibs will see your choice as an option to choose a healthy path and maybe escape instead of repeating the dysfunction like mine have done.
Thank you Jerry . It has taken me many years to heal , at 70. Narcissistic parents need a golden child , scapegoat and an enabler, often . Family is torn apart. The prime narcissist whether father or mother only repeats I feel generational behavior handed down. However both the golden child and scapegoat child , I feel suffer. Non loving families do that . Thx .
After leaving for the military and afterwards college, I was gone from home almost 30 years. When finally located back and stated nearly 5 years, while finally saw so clearly was that I was better off without my father in my life.
As always, you've made me feel validated. My family ALWAYS told me that our family was NORMAL! The heck we were!
A "normal" family was a bar too low for my absolutely amazing mother. In my 40s I still struggle with the intense guilt and anxiety of seeing her as less than perfect or seeing myself as someone with value who is worthy of respect and consideration.
This is very good information. I’m listening to your messages to stay sane as an ACON survivor! Thank you!
You are very welcome!
Your videos have helped me so much, thank you. I hope you live forever😅
Glad you like them! haha I hope my teaching live longer!
I had no qualifications to diagnose my family, but plugging in the diagnosis of ‘narcissism’ helped me tremendously.
If families with narcissistic manipulating abuses are not treated as a whole. The artfulness of games psychological psychopathic narcissistic manipulating abuses on many levels never-ending!
It took many years for me to realize both my parents were narcissists. Too many years, well into my adulthood.
I have come to realize I have huge issues with not being believed by people. It stems from SA and not being believed and gaslit and scapegoated. How do I overcome that ?
THANK YOU JERRY! Been cruising through these types of videos for awhile now....and although some are good, I was never able to digest the strategies I needed. I was able to understand, and implement these strategies with even the people I work with! And the Shame and Guilt parts were so awesomely wise, that I no longer have to worry if it's "them," or "me." Taking the stress out of the interactions! Thanks again,
Glad to help!
I am nearly 50 and slowly understanding about myself and my lack of self belief. (A friend has told me I need to look you up Jerry.) The last 20 years I was thinking my father was Asperger's but I'm now believing he's Narcissistic.
Best explanations for complex reality. Thanks
Thanks Yaniv, I'm glad you enjoyed the video
Can a mother have a totally dependent personality and also be a narcissist?
My mother is a diagnosed schizophrenic. I have know this for decades. I've only recently come to realize that she has a nasty personality.
My mother destroyed my life, and I lost everything that meant anything to me. I’m trying to pick up everything, but I feel it’s too late for me.. I’ve got no contact with my mother and brother
I’ve learned how to hate myself and feel guilty for failures
Pick yourself up, dusk yourself off and move on. If your are knocked down twice, get up 3 times and remember: YOUR ARE JUST AS GOOD AS ANYBODY ELSE.
You are amazing Jerry! Thank you for your videos!
You are very welcome
EXTREMELY important distinctions FINALLY hit me with this video..THANK YOU
You are so welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful!
I wish I had encountered a therapist like this in my younger years. I would have made so many different decisions and choices in all aspects of life. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. This should be taught in High schools at the Junior and Senior levels and all college students should be exposed to this information. Wow!