Narcissistic Family: Do This To Finally Get Them OUT OF YOU
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ค. 2024
- In this video, I share some of the things that get overlooked when you are an adult child of a narcissist in the process of recovery.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of its toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Differentiated Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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➡️ Recommended Playlists:
Outgrowing Dysfunctional Family Patterns - • Outgrowing Narcissisti...
Break Free from Narcissistic Parents & Families - • Breaking Free from Nar...
Adult Children of Alcoholics: Heal & Change the Pattern - • Alcoholic Narcissistic...
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he uses his wealth of knowledge and experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Differentiated Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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If you're finally ready to get your narcissistic dysfunctional family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, sign up to my ‘Family Differentiation Program’ >>
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Jerry please help me. I'd be glad to pay for a session but I need help desperately
As my therapist said to me on another issue:
"Jeff, there's no gold in that mine."
"She never was and never will be the mother that I needed."
This was given to me.
Yes, absolute detachment. I am detached from my narcissist. I expect this person to behave badly and have detached myself emotionally from their nonsense. Once we do that we have won the war. they have no effect on us emotionally; we know what to expect; we know it isn't our fault but it's their behavior and we can deal with it appropriately. I learned to do this as an adult to protect myself from the family narcissist. I quit asking why this person treated me so badly (scapegoat here) and decided to look at the entire situation and block my emotional reaction. It worked wonders for me.
I’m just getting to this point. I’ve been detached since October. Thanksgiving was incredible for my family and I, I look forward to keeping this up for us. My mother is the narcissist in our lives
@@raquel_rosethis is My first Thanksgiving too. Great Time.., no mother, no ex. Ex also a narcissist.
@@raquel_rose Yes, it's my mom as well. I haven't spent a Christmas with her in over 30 years; Im not good enough LOL but for a few years now, not spending time with her has been my choice. Deciding when to talk to her etc. is my choice and I know the nastiness will happen but am able to not feel anything when she is nasty. It's so nice
This is inspiring how you recap the principles of how to deal with this and it's clear they are integrated into your practice. I can feel the solid calmness in your comment.
@@raquel_rose I still love my mom very much; I call her and make sure she is ok; I text/email her here and there. I simply recognize I don't mean much to her but I continue to be a good daughter from a distance. It's who I am. No more emotional pain though.
“I need to keep this guilt, if I want to keep this relationship with my mother going.” Jerry, you hit the nail on the head with that question and your answer.
I agree with you. If I let go of my anger towards my family, it would be the last link in the chain of connection to absolutely nothing (otherwise known as my family). It is time. I never thought of this before. Hopefully, I will get someplace with this new thought process. Regards to all.
Good luck!
Thank you Jerry for this enlightening detail. It helped me understand why I hadn't fully detached.
🤔I 💭 the reason why so many of us ACONS focus so much on learning about narcs instead of our own personal trauma at least at 1st is that we were literally TRAINED to focus only on our narc parent(s) instead of focusing on our own needs🙄.It really is refreshing when you start finally learning to focus on yourself, that's why this kind of content is incredibly refreshing.
Yep. They trained you to focus on them, true recovery is about you not them
And I grew up with a narcissist mother.... and NO other family members. All her choice. Its screwed my up royally.
But I always felt determined somewhere in my soul to stand up to it! Obviously my attitude didn't help.....I'm better now. And growing up with this 1 patent hasn't left me bitter. I was traumatised.... its taken this many years.. and my mother's death 32 years ago... to heal myself without guilt
So true. And focusing on self feels so wrong to me and extremely self-centred but I believe the ‘wise’ words
Both my parents were narcissists: mom overt, pop covert. By the time I was 6, I hated my mother. I finally figured out my dad after he died - my late 40s and then hated him. It's finally taken my early 70s to realize their behavior toward me was their choice. Nothing was wrong w/me. It's still extremely hard to forgive them even tho it's to my benefit. They're the ones who will pay the price. I've paid mine.
Forgiveness for yourself is what truly matters......You can have forgiveness for yourself without EVER having any form of reconciliation with abusive individuals whether ☠️ or alive & you should never feel pressured to do anything for a abuser's benefit...Just try to work on having ❤️, kindness,& forgiveness for yourself so you don't struggle with the burden of it eating away at you🌞👍.Warm wishes for your peace.
It benefits you more to forgive yourself, not them. They don’t deserve forgiveness for what they weren’t sorry for and chose to do. It wasn’t ok, you don’t have to be ok with them or their behavior. Be ok with you and the way you learned to live despite their actions
Lots of anger and hate here. Sadly, true healing comes when you have none of that and just move on. I feel no anger and just feel sorry for both my parents and now adult sibs. It feels wonderful to let go of the hate and anger. I wish anyone holding onto that the ability to reach the next plateau of healing and to shed the albatross of hate. What a free feeling it is. Nothing seems to be able to touch you or even harm you this level and I wish for anyone who has been harmed to have it.
I have a narcissistic family. I've forgiven them & gone very little contact with them. I feel so much freedom with them out of my mind & life. I've given my heart to CHRIST JESUS & he's set me free indeed!!!
I've paid my time
And a new life is MINE 🎉
ENJOY TODAY ❤
I told my abusive parent I no longer care what you feel about me, the healing started then over a year ago.
Let me tell a story. I'll set the stage: I had heart failure back in January 2-23 and they discovered a partially dead heart, a completely closed off artery Im alive because my body grew two new collateral arteries. A few months later my mother went in for surgery to have a small tumor removed and had to go for chemo. I made a point to call her every other day, sent flowers a few times to cheer her up and so on, I love her. Im in bad shape at the moment but a short while ago she wanted to know if I would move hundreds of miles to move in with her and take care of her. No consideration for my health at all. She can't stand me/tells me that at least a few times a year/ she can't stand sick ppl. I could have been mean or rude but instead I simply pointed out how not well I am right now and she said, "so if I move you in to take care of me I might wind up taking care of you? Oh well, never mind". This is when our sense of humor and self protection needs to be applied. I still laugh about this because it shows how self centered she is and that it's not me. It's all good. I do love my mom anyway.
If only they loved us back! ❤not in their nature, sadly
I realised in my 40s that my mother neglected me and never looked at me even when I had serious sicknesses in childhood.
I have a brother, a sister who is an RN and a step brother who all live within 15 minutes of her along with two adult grand children. absolutely no need for me to move hundreds of miles across a few state lines to take care of her. thank you to everyone who shared/commented. I wish us all the very best. We will heal.
@@elizabethtowers3321 i think your mother wants fresh narc supply from you, the others must have turned stale by now for her.
You please take care of yourself 💟
… I think you probably love the mother that you never had … at least, that is what I understand about my own feelings and my relationship with a self-centered covert mother …
Talk about your feelings only to get a reply.. “Grow up! You just need to grow up!”
They haven't real feelings, so they can't really understand what you are talking about
Navigating the sea of broken people.
You better not have feelings. The way that I see that now looking back is the person who could have feelings and/or be upset about anything was mom. We were to suck it up, shut up, or wr were given something to cry for. The more that I look back, the greater my appreciation for getting the **** out of her house.
So much this. Mine is 87. I have become physically ill to the point where I literally can't go and emotionally "hold her hand." I'm strangely thankful for that. I've been expected to suck it up and do it, anyhow. She still expects it. For example, the other day, I wasn't even able to get ready to go spend a week with her as she requested, so I compromised and went shopping with her. I couldn't breathe, and I was doing everything I could to stay upright. (I use an electric wheelchair at home because of this, but she has never seen me in it. I can't take the wheelchair with me when I go with her.) She became angry because she thought I was in "such a bad mood." It doesn't register with her that I'm in physical distress, not trying to give her attitude. She takes my inability to serve her as a personal affront.
All those years in therapy and only speak about me and never ever toucht the topic of familysystem or I never heard that narc even excisted. No wonder I never healed.
My father always has the habit of saying 'where did I go wrong' when it comes to my sisters and I. Despite the fact that we are all educated, employed, own our homes, etc. It's not good enough for him. My mother criticizes everything I do. I can never be good enough. My older sister is worse than both parents and my younger sister follows along with my older one. Needless to say, I have stopped communicating with all of them. And it saddens me daily. Weighs heavy on me. What scares me the most is that by disassociating with my family of origin, will my children do that to me? I'm close to both of them now, but what happens if they marry someone that twists what I did and make it out like I'm the bad guy? I'm not the same parent that my parents were to me. I don't criticize, compare, put down, etc. my children. I correct when needed, but never to make them feel horrible about themselves. I keep my sadness about my family to myself because it hurts too much to talk about. Not ever getting an apology or being treated like a pariah all the time is heartbreaking to me. I reached out to both sisters and my mother about my feelings and all of them ignored me. Went to a wedding over the summer and my mother didn't say 2 words to me sitting at the same table. My father chastised me and then told my husband to never talk to him again. I can never understand how a mother can sit at a table, in front of other family members, and not say two words to her own daughter. No matter how angry I might be at my children, NOT talking to them is not an option for me. I could never hurt my children intentionally that way. It's very painful to walk away. I don't have a sense of relief about it, just pure sadness.
You are not alone. I believe you - and want to validate your feelings. I have the t shirt for this experience. Lol. It is the most lonely suffering - like a death....and it is a death: of the immediate biological family you want but won't ever have....my only advice is to daily comfort the person in you - call it your inner child - and tell her you're there and won't leave her (anymore)....you see, in these kinds of families we're only "accepted" if we abandon our true self. So we go through the years ignoring our own cries for love and acceptance - until we can't do this anymore....now is your turn to love that little one. I've literally sat with myself with my hand on my chest and belly and said "I'm here - I understand - I'll hold you until you can get up and do the next right thing"....there are good days, bad days - great days - and everything in between....but I'm here to tell you - if you do this and put your "life jacket on first"....you'll be able to offer this to your own children - and this will create a bond that will be hard for a narcissist/dark triad to break.
Be still and listen to yourself and if you believe in God - invite Him to be present with you as you heal.
I'm 12 years out from my family of origin. My life is full of love and people who care deeply for me....but this journey had to begin with the first step of holding on to and listening to my own heart.
God bless dear one. You are not Alone. ❤
@@MJS2376 Thank you for your kind words. It is a day by day process. I never imagined that I would get to the point of not being a part of my origin family. But then again, I was only good enough if I followed whatever told me I should do. I'm beginning to realize that my anxiety comes from them. The self-sabotaging constantly. Not following through with things started, etc. All admittance of thinking they were right about me. I hope in the future, I can become as healthy as you. I can't see it now but perhaps someday.
@@SJ-km4db One day at a time. Learn to keep "your side of the street clean"...I'll pray for you. 🙏
Go where you are celebrated
Not tolerated
Setting inner boundaries is vitally important. Emotional detachment can save the day when dealing with narcissists because let’s be truthful. Narcissists believe boundaries are there for the purpose of being trampled on.
02:10 🌀 Understanding family systems anxiety is crucial for addressing underlying anxieties passed down through generations, aiding in a more comprehensive recovery.
03:48 🤝 Developing a sense of self within relationship systems fosters stronger, more resilient recovery than focusing solely on individual growth.
07:07 🛡 Inner boundaries and emotional detachment go beyond external boundaries; true detachment involves not allowing external actions to wound internally.
13:12 💔 Recognizing trauma and complex PTSD (CPTSD) experienced as a result of narcissistic parenting is crucial for a deeper understanding of personal struggles.
15:17 🔄 Recognizing and activating internal switches for self-awareness and self-direction, often turned off in early programming, is vital for personal growth and decision-making.
Jerry, good info. One of your recent videos was about how normal families are. As you spoke here, to the effect "What would you ask of a good family interaction?", I could imagine a few nice things. Although, with multi generational CPTSD going on, well, it'd probably not get further than brief sentences about the current weather. Hum. Correction , often may not even get that far, before the drama commences.
Can you please talk more about what normal families, people, actually do? This sounds like a dumb question. Maybe is. But it's real.
Thanks
Yes!!! That would be super helpful because it can be hard to know whether our family is healthy or not until you see how a healthy family communicates/interacts
Yes please, Jerry Wise. We would love to know what healthy families do.
I know what good families look like.... I was always so jealous of them, and still am to this day.
I've said to a guys at work who are brothers, "I wish I had that kind of relationship with anyone in my family."
Healthy families have an do fun together
The adults strive for preparing the younger ones for life in the big 🌎 world
Processing trauma has been LIFE CHANGING for me, because before that any efforts to heal would result in re-injury essentially (which was super duper painful because of CPTSD!) :0. Janina Fisher's educational approach helped remove the "shame" (her take is: "You reacted normally to abnormal circumstances ((so there's no shame in how you responded))." For me, that opened the door to healing methods like IFS, hypnosis, EMDR, dialoging, which have been PHENOMENALLY EFFECTIVE etc. NOW ONLY NOW AM I READY TO WORK ON SELF. Whew. Been a long journey.
They are on their journey, and I am on mine.
As the scapegoat, I can fully agree with all of this.
No longer their scapegoat.
I know i have very explicitly communicated external boundaries in the past with my two parents and two siblings. But someday, sometime, months later, they will use that to make a joke about me, or bring up awful things that happened to me as a baby and child, at the worst possible moment, in social settings, knowing i won't call them out on it until later. Then they pretend "i didn't know" "don't be so sensitive" Fifty plus years of this very dysfunctional family system behaviors. jeesh. such a mess and i could never reach any of them, as a child, or now 50+ years later. thank you for another great video.
This video came right on time. Feeling detached and unaffected by the actions of others is a very stoic characteristic I've been gradually adopting and adapting to. I've also noticed that a big part of my brain healing has been eating animal fats and red meat from a nutritional standpoint and getting off the sugar and carb addiction how that affects me emotionally with my CPTSD and trauma responses. Your a very gifted therapist Jerry your videos have helped me so much, thank you so much
Jerry's is one of the very best in the field of being a scapegoat and children of Toxic parents. It blows my mind to see that over 6000 people listen to his videos. Just a tick to appreciate his excellent subject matter. What does it cost?
I personally thank you, Jerry. Your videos, well prepared, based on many years experience, are very valuable to all hurt children of sick parents.
Why do some scapegoats get stuck and not recover i.e spend their life trying to get the narcissistic parents approval?
Because they still believe the lie that they are the problem and the narc is actually good
Programmed to overlook or ignore trauma. Definitely.
I resonated with this a lot. My mother is narcissistic, but I always felt sorry for her because my dad was a substance abuser. My dad on the other hand is perpetually abused by my mom, hence the substance abuse. For me to break out of contact with BOTH of them riddled me with more guilt than I can explain. I had absolutely no choice but to live my life and let it go. As long as I have contact with them, I will be tortured by the whole family dynamic. I have to let go the fantasy that they will change. THEY have to choose that. My association with them will accomplish nothing except kill me.
Thank you for mentioning existential guilt. My mother told my sister and I more than once how we had interrupted her promising sports career. She would say it as though she was hard done by to be stuck with us. She chased away our father with her narcissistic rages. She met our stepfather 6 months later, (her enabler) she leveraged how uncomfortable we felt with this new man in our lives.
Wow! Sick.
Very well explained to the point too. I can’t find the words for it but this is what happens a lot..
my exwife is just like that. her mother is pure evil, she got at least a little bit better.
Next time she tells you and your sister that, remind her that she should have kept her legs together. And…get away from her!
@@sharonrotenizer5646 She wouldnt dare say it these days. Yes, legs together, I have had the exact same thought of what I would have loved to have known to say when she said it to us as kids. These days, as an adult, I ask myself, how could a person, a mother no less, choose to continuously feel hard done by, for years on end and treat her children badly, insinuating to them that they ruined her life? I know the answer, a selfish, heartless, narcissist, who only postured to others, as a mother.
Working with a system? In a narcissistic system in which narcissist seeks gratification by successfully being able to tread on another,
such a system, in itself, is extremely toxic. Developing, and learning an entirely new system may be absolutely necessary.
We have been traumatized all our lives It is normal for us and so don't realise that thst is ehat is hoing on
And you must detach from some for your own well-being.
I use one of three statements to help me do this:
1. I can't do anything about that.
2. Ultimately, that has nothing to do with me.
3. Carry not what is not yours to carry.
Learning not to take in every body problems set boundaries and not lowering my standards
Very powerful message in this one, like you made it for my ears specifically. I'm checking out your free course. I've ever been the roll playing people pleaser, ever making sure the people around me are ok, and at a near complete loss when it comes to steering my own ship. Maybe I simply haven't been ready to choose a definitive destination, as no matter how well I do my mother will still be ashamed, lol. Three years without contact and yet she's still right there in my noggin, nagging me to no end. I want to be ready.
Thanks Jerry. Keep up the great work. It means more to me than you'll ever know.
From having a chemical imbalance from all the abuse, therefore, I developed panic disorder. I had this for many years. I finally saw the right doctor and he put me on Paxil and BP meds. I was able to get rid of the constant severe panic attacks for good. I did not settle for a bandaid like drugs or alcohol, I wanted a cure. This is exactly when I physically started to heal. Just want to put this out there for my friends on here who are suffering from panic and anxiety disorders because of the abuse of a Narcissistic family.
Interesting. I definitely set out to learn about what was wrong with me and figured out I had cptsd. I thought I had it from a recent life event, and only later pieced together that it was cumulative from my whole life. See, I thought I had a good upbringing, because I didn’t suffer like the worst of the worst had. And even now, eight years into that healing journey am I finally beginning to suspect my mom was a covert narcissist! I think I was incredibly lucky to tackle the trauma first before figuring out why I had it.
I remember a book I read years ago called “What You Think of Me is None of My Business “. I don’t remember the contents but the title always stuck with me.
I’m beginning to understand “ inner boundaries” and it’s very surprising.
My program ‘Road to Self’ focuses on building inner boundaries, you can find more details here program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Anxiety is my major problem. I know they're many layer to discover.
But, what do you do when the narcissistic parent singles out you as the responsible one, then black sheep when you reject their crap, when it comes to your siblings, who dont see or dont understand what the parent did to you? My siblings dont understand. My mom showered them with gifts, love and attention, because they "need her" and I didn't. They don't understand why I went no contact with her.
Thank u Sir for this video. As for me & my family I think it's best to not waste time talking with them. All they're gonna do is gaslight & try to turn the table. My boundaries are just to stay away from them. Life is too short to waste time on gaslighting ungrateful ppl!!!
I’m glad to be in a position to be able to understand this message.
Absolutely perfect timing. Thank you algorithms.
Another winner! Your message really does bear repeating over and over. I understand a bit better and a bit differently each time, like looking at different facets of a diamond. One that I will use is turning "I don't know" into "I'm not ready." Thanks Jerry.
Loved reading this. Thanks for your comment
Generational anxiety.
My mother definitely had that and got it from her mother. For me, it was suffocating. That's one reason why I keep my distance.
Powerful and enlightening point regarding guilt and your mother.
I had to reflect on that and my relationship with my mother and this came back to me:
"All that you think that you loss was not worth having."
Basically, don't run away. Tackle the bull by the horns. Always felt that when I lived abroad (8+ years accumulated) I was able to be myself and when I am in my home country I become paralyzed trying to protect myself from my family.
This is very insightful and promising yet terrifying for me. I got to do it, I got to find a way to be myself even if they are nearby.
Exactly my experience living overseas and then coming home
At 17, I was at the airport going on a several month backpacking trip in Europe (1973)
My friends mother hugged her, told her she loved her and to keep safe. My mothers only worked da were, ‘I hope you change’
Confusion: good student, well behaved non-smoking, drinking daughter
The contrast shocked and devastated
But I did indeed return home after several months changed in realizing there was more to life than that family
My narcisstic dad passed away at 101 years of age. About a year before he passed he made the comment my 2 younger sisters were the only kids that turned out decent. There were 5 kids total, and we all turned out pretty good considering we grew up in a narcissist household. Myself, my older sister and older brother have all been divorced, whereas the younger 2 haven't divorced. I wonder now if that is what dad meant by making that comment. I didn't ask at the time because by then I had figured him out and didn't want to give him any satisfaction. Oh by the way, I was trustee of his estate. Never knew what you were going to get. But, we all survived!
Narcissism should be considered a DISABILITY, not a disorder. It is more dangerous and limiting than physical disabilities bc it more difficult to spot esp by small children, teenagers,hell, even grown up sons or daughters of narcissistic parents!The key to stop being hurt by narc parents is simple:UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE!As early as possible.Just like you immediately stop feeling frustrated, when you keep on yelling at someone "hey,i am talking to you!" without getting an answer,and then sb comes and tells you:"hey,he is deaf".Once you realise you have a narcissist as a parent, you ll know and accept that he just CAN'T give you support. And you ll stop feeling frustrated and simply move on with your life. "Now i know what he/she is ",will sound in your head, when you see your narcissistic mother or dad.
True. Its like expecting a person in a wheelchair to run 5k. They cant because they are disabled. Similary the brain trauma and damage Narcissists experienced when a baby/child is permanent and no wishful thinking can make them behave normally. I agree, its a disability. 💯🙏
@@juliej1520 ...and when you realise with whom you are dealing, you stop getting angry at them or,worse ,your self!Its very easy to come over a narc parent once you exposed him.
It’s a disorder. It can be disabling to those who are victims of it. A disability primarily affects you, a disorder affects others. It can be helped, it can be prevented, it is a result of nurturing. A disability is not learned behavior, disorders can be, & often are, learned.
@@kissit012 good luck with convincing a narcissist he needs to change!For them any criticism is as popular, as sunbathing is for a vampire.
Especially if you can't go no contact. I detach my real self from the situation to get through then go home to my personal sanctuary.♥️
Jerry, this is some of the most helpful work you have presented. This video is helping me to give more insight to uncover my family dysfunction and myself moving forward on a deeper level. I would have to say this is not easy, but I am understanding what you are talking about now on a more concise and deeper level. I want to thank you from my heart for the work you are doing to help others. Have a wonderful holiday! Eileen
Glad it was helpful!
You have helped me restructure so much of my thinking and approach to ALL my relationships.
You go deep...intricate. I'm really feeling good right now.😊
Wow. This is revelatory information!! It’s that the switches have been turned off, not that I’m deficient or unable to do these things. I can switch them back on!! Oh my days!! 🤯💡
Until quite recently, one of the most common (and destructive/disfunctional) "parenting styles" used in the US was the Authoritarian parenting style.
Typically looks like:
- rigid/controlling
- parent in control
- little affection, warmth
- Constant Criticism
- Lack of Warmth & Nurturing
-Demanding, But Not Responsive
-Little Warmth or Nurturing
-Little Explanation for Punishments
-Few Choices for Children
-Impatient With "Misbehavior"
-mistrusting
-Unwilling to Negotiate
-Shaming
These ^ traits essentially align with those of NPD, which could explain the drastic overuse of the term "narcissist parents" that we see so prevalently today.
Thank You 😊
An excellent perspective 👏👏👏👏👏👏
You’ve been so helpful.
Thank you, Jerry.
Great content
Thanks for your videos Jerry.
What a great video! Thank you! ❤❤❤
Jerry, this message was very wise!!!😊
This is incredible. Excellent
Thanks for sharing your knowledge. Good day Jerry!
This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. So well and clearly explained. Thank you from Toronto, Canada 🇨🇦
Thank you for these insightful points
Thanks again for incredible support of valuable, healing content.
my dude spitting facts
You are such a wealth of information!
the way you explained everything in this very difficult and painful video was amazing Jerry. resonates and so true. much appreciated as always for your insights Jerry.
This was excellent. ♥
Jerry I love you your helping me so much with your videos
Thank you sir ❤✝️
God bless you
this is something not covered by other youtubers, so thank you for your input on this Jerry. Not enough is said on this- how to get the narc family out of US. Emotional detachment / indifference is the right way.
Excellent message, thank you !
Thanks Jerry much help from your videos. I greatly appreciate your channel ❤ greetings from Belgium
Excellent, particularly the down side portion.
Thank you this was very informative, very helpful to my healing journey.
I am often asking (both my therapist and my intuition) "what am I NOT thinking of?" So useful, and an excellent habit in life outside of healing.... like considering a large purchase or changing jobs.
Guilt. I think the world Guilt helps describe the feeling but isnt the right word. I think anyone with empathy will feel detachment pain. It really controls us esp when we're enmeshed. Its the price to pay for being in a relationship. I have it with my mother but also had it in relationships. At 18 mins in your description of guilt and pain is astonishingly good. Thank you it helps a lot 🙏💯
Thank you Jerry! Wishing you a BLESSED CHRISTMAS and to your viewers. I want to express my huge appreciation for your sharing of wisdom and help in my becoming healthy. Thank you 🎄🫶🏻❣️
I got the email for this video and I loved your sign-off "stay calm and differentiated." Sounds like a very good motto for me in 2024 👍🌠🔥 Thank you for all the wisdom you share freely on TH-cam. Wishing you every blessing in the new year! 💕
Thats an amazing truth you don't hear or read much of!.. I've had to transition that gap of 'when' instead of 'how' unbenounced to myself in an extreme case of an emploding mindset, thankfully anchored in on a glimmer of choice. Got to flick the switches on tho..start planning your map so you can map out your plan. Stay sharp, stay wise... very wise, with Jerry Wise!
- couldnt help it, on account of being engrossed while head-bopping to the straw-pieces you've beautifully picked out. True direction is a def. must for recovery. Absolutely Brilliant & Mindfull work. Looking forward. Thank you Jerry!
Jerry you've been such a help for me. Thank you.
You are so welcome
Christine Albright
"THANK YOU!..."
"+"
I have to give up my fantasies. Magical thinking.
Dear Jerry thank you so much for your honesty and sharing your life experience, this really helps to understand the choice of true freedom within 😊
Thanks man, you're being super helpful.
Glad to hear it!
Wonderful video!
Thank you very much!
Thank you Jerry❤😊
You are so welcome
This was very powerful for me!!! Brilliant thank you so much Jerry❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏🙏
You’re very welcome! Thanks for watching
Thank you this is good content. 🤔❤🇺🇸
Glad you enjoyed it
This video is so important. Thank you 🧡
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you Mr. Wise. You have helped me so much.
Glad to hear that!
Thank you for a very informative and supportive message.
Glad it was helpful!
This is absolutely brilliant, Jerry!
Thanks for watching!
I don't often feel anxiety... I was always the one required to calm down anxiety in others so I've completely squashed my own down. People have told me that they find my presence very calming, but it's also extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable. I use humour to deflect sometimes, or don't notice when something I said is probably not a part of a normal childhood and other people are looking at me with open-mouthed shock. I can't tell anyone what I'm feeling because often I can't even identify feelings in myself. I'm working on it, but it's extremely hard for me.
It’s okay not to be okay sometimes
Great 👍 video
Glad you enjoyed it
I think it is being true to yourself and feeling that firmly in your heart It is s waste of time discussing anything with those people
It is a great feeling when you are free when the person you answer to is you I wouldn't tell them how l feel If they have hurt you they will Probably be pleased
I broke no contact over the holidays with my narcissist mom out of guilt. Now I feel like I did the wrong thing. What should I do? Could you do a video possibly on breaking no contact and what to do if you break no contact and want to go back no contact again? Made a mistake and now I have to reinitiate no contact again.
Same here.. family friend recently died and said texted me he died. Blunt. “Tim died” so of course I had to call and was freaking out upset. She took that call to confront me and be all pushy about my relationship with her.. in my emotions I answered that I did want her in my life… now she texts me about books or weather and I just HATE seeing her name. I’m so on edge. Waiting for the next rude or gaslighting comment… how did you deal with it? Are you still talking to yours? Idk how to get out again either. She’s playing all nice rn and I hate that I feel like I can’t break away without everyone thinking I’m nuts
Maybe treat it like recovery from an addiction. Sex addicts often report a relapse that takes them to a darker place than rock bottom - maybe it is something similar
Jerry, I have learned so much from you, I'm able to understand so many things and it's helped me in my healing process.
Glad I could help!😊
@@jerrywise much more than you imagine, because all your explanations are focused on our healing, only you do it. Can't thank you enough
12:29
Interesting you say here to detach and be non reactive to take responsibility for my inner boundaries by the things that they might say…I have tried this many times with my narc parent. It is like watching a child upon observation, in slow motion, sort of like an “out-of-body” experience…
The more calm and non reactive I was to his words, behavior, demeanor, the angrier it made him.
Being calm, submitting even when face to face with that is scary
Value the opinions of people you respect l find id s good guide There eill be many opinions that are not worth looking at Most times telling yhose people how you feel is a waste of time as they don't care
This video is fantastic. I am going to work on it. I have turned my sweches on 3 years ago at the therapy, and I am 54. I am an ACON and ACOA (if the acronims are correct (one narc and one codependent alcoholic parent).
You got this!👍🏼
It was helpful hearing you talk about the trauma responses. Sick parents. However, your abbreviations were difficult to understand because I don't know what they stand for.
A.C.O.N. Is adult children of a narcissist.
A.C.O.A. Is adult child of an alcoholic and adult children of dysfunctional families tend to have the same issues/difficulties and they attend A.C.O.A. 12 step support groups.
Jerry uses F.O.O. For family of origin.