I think the saddest part of having a narcissistic parent is that you never get the chance to be the son or daughter that you would have wanted to be. They make it an impossibility, and thus rob you of that relationship. Sad. All you can do is accept it and detach emotionally. They don’t notice anyway.
💯💯💯 that is my heartbreak! I went back and tried working for my parents as an adult because of this exact void - pain in my heart and it was a total black hole nightmare. You just have to accept that this is the hand you’ve been dealt.
Wanted to be? I wanted to be the son that my parents would love. I should have had a childhood and adulthood that didn’t have toxic and dysfunctional parents. I am grieving the loss of the childhood and adulthood I should have had.
Actually, as a 7 year old, I would wish to become an orphan. I hated my life with my parents. Seemed better to take a chance at something I knew could be bad, Vs staying in something that was me essentially willfully suffocating myself in order to live with my parents.
I really, really, really needed to hear the bit about “narcissists don’t breed narcissists”. My biggest fear is accidentally treating others the way I was treated growing up
The fact that you fear hurting others like that immediately shows that aren’t like that. I had the same fear too, but my therapist made me realise this. Narcissists don’t fear treating anyone badly because they are so involved with themselves that they often don’t even acknowledge others’ feelings in the first place.
I wouldn't say my mother is a narcissist but for whatever reason I was not loved the way I should have been. I didn't have that foundation of security and support and encouragement. Which led to a ton of insecurities. The only time I'm really able to connect with other humans is if I take Adderall or MDMA. I thought Adderall was a miracle pill the first day I tried it. Within 6 months I had a gf, a car, a job, I moved out of my parents, had an apartment. Got really lean and had energy all day. I would often study for hours without taking a break for anything. Hard to believe some people are like that naturally
It’s a deep hole in your soul, and even as an adult you’re constantly struggling with the brokenness and after effects that come from growing up in an abusive environment
And nobody understand or believe you. At best, they encourage you to forgive, not knowing that you may already have forgiven or done tons of therapy. But the void is still there, it takes a life to undo a deep rooted damage
@barbarav4046 how can you forgive when they do not believe they did anything wrong or have rewritten the past in their own mind. Can forgiveness be found?
@@hopehunter8237 Sorry, I've just seen your comment. In my case, I managed to forgive by thinking my family were victims themselves, although obviously this doesn't justify their behavior. I'm still struggling to create boundaries (I hardly knew what they were), but I know I must enforce them and, above all, make sure they are respected. I can't change my family, I have a right though to live my life on my terms and not theirs.
The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem. The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both. The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.👍
Written very absolutely well said. Thank you I am a child of father who is a narcissistic parent and I was raised by him majoring of my up bringing. I do so many self sabotaging behaviors and have bpd which I have learned throughout the years you develop this in your one to fourish years of your child life of extreme neglect and abuse. I have suffered majority of my life not ever understanding why I can never met my fathers expectations, I have been recently discovering that my fathers expectations are way too high for anyone in the world to ever be able to meet. I was physically mentally and sexually abused in child from my father mostly very verbally abused and that has stuck with me to this current day it’s so very hurtful and it hurts and kills your heart soul and spirit!
@@jojowojcik6736 Thank you for sharing this part of yourself Your experience sounds almost identical to mine and countless others... Hold on to Hope and seek Truth ♥️ and 🙏🏻
I was a high achiever in grade school, like top 3 in my class. It was because I was told I'd be punished if I wasn't. My mom got so involved come parent interview time that there were lingerings that all the teachers each year hated her. At my grad in the 8th grade, I had second highest marks (average), and didn't win a single award. I saw multiple awards given to the 1st place student, as well as the 3rd and 4th, 5th place students. It was a definite **** you to my mom. My teachers I guess were almost just as rotten as to not separate me from her. In any case, at the parent / child post ceremony party same night, I was hanging with the few friends I had for maybe less than 10 minutes. She grabbed me and said we were going home because it wasn't fair I didn't win anything. She ruined MY night, because she was offended I didn't win something. Just rotten, despicable behavior.
For me, living with a narcissistic parent is like being a trophy. They brag about you to anyone that'll listen but no one ever goes up to the trophy and says "good job!"
I was an overachiever when I was younger because I loved when my mom praised me to other people. When they would leave tho I was criticized and bullied. I would try harder and harder until finally I stopped trying at all.
I have been there. I was an object (of praise and criticism) because I think they didn't relate to people on an emotional level. When I didn't behave like an obedient, passive collectible on the shelf, I was met with wrath.
Yes!!! I told them what good is it to brag to others but never take the time to care about my well-being? It's a selfish move and is only about the parent and not about the child.
@Fiona I have met so many parents who just start bragging about their child in our 1st or 2nd chats. I don’t do that , so I start to wonder am I not normal or it’s they are acting strange .
I moved to the other side of the country. I also had to go no contact with my sisters. I knew on some level that this family would torture me for the rest of my life if I didn’t. I finally have some peace and live in the present. Thank you Jesus!! 💖
I’m 45 years old and have battled with my narc mother my entire life. I moved away when I had children, 3000 miles away so she could not manipulate them as she does with everyone. 17 years pass. I let my guard down only to have me and my kids love bombed and then disguarded for absolutely no reason at all. Don’t ever drop your guard with a narcissist no matter how badly you crave a loving relationship with a parent it will only lead to more suffering. It’s a terrible mistake to ever think they will change
I have struggled with my self esteem ever since being raised with a narcissistic father. Even after his passing I still struggle, I know I was not the best father but I still have to really focus on not letting my issues bubble out, espeally withgrand children, from the abuse my father poured out and into me, as a child. Thank you for your vids. They really help me see how bad my father was, I realize he was only reacting to his childhood up bringing, knew his father (my grand father) and he was pretty harsh and abusive also. one dimension of narcissism I have not seen addressed is how narcisstic parents abuse in spiritual ways, and how that affects families. My father would belittle and make his family confess all sins or thoughts , then he would interpret their sins and make us apologize to him as the FATHER, then he would apply punishment s for confession, bringing up every sin confessed for future belittlement. And corporal punishment by physical beating or starvation, or destroying anything personal you had all the while making us endure hours of lecture and beating his interpretation of bible verses, all the while making us confess any thought word or deed then the cycle would repeat. The whole house hold had to cater to his every demand, if we did not smile and just do it, it was viewed as some egregious violation, no was not allowed. is there a religious narcissism or do narcissistic people use religion to feed the sickness.
I did that, too. Move away as far as possible and go NO CONTACT. Even before I knew what a narcissist was. I just hated her manipulative distructive selfish ways. Thank God I had a good example of a mother in my grand mother on the fathers side. I had something to compare her with. A loving grandmother.
Try to resist the urge to internalize this type of critique and instead encourage yourself to recognize your own strengths and accomplishments. I wish you well
i grew up in a dysfunctional household with two narcissistic parents. the amount of jealousy, violence, poverty and just overall chaos that me and my siblings had to endure will haunt me forever.
Omg!! I can't even imagine having not one but BOTH narcissistic parents!! I grew up with a narc mother and it was toxic! She discarded me at 17 kicked me out because she realized she couldn't break me and get me to fall in line. Was the BEST thing that happened to me. So glad to have gotten away from her!! I started my healing years ago. Seek God 🙏🏽 peace and blessings
I feel you. For me, what makes it even worse is that nobody from the outside understand or indeed believe you. The sense of loneliness is unbearable at times
Me too! And my 3 siblings were all narcs as well. I make it a point to be mindful I don’t end up a narc. It is a life full of pain and suffering. I have very little contact with all of them.
One of the hardest things to live with is that nobody believes you when you tell them how your parents treat you...Narcissistic parents can hide it so well when anyone outside the family is around...and those critic's dr fox talks about in the back of your head is exactly right...If I could get them out of my head it would be the biggest relief...
Oh so true! Only my cousin who learned this just a few years ago what my parent truly is. They said that's not the same one I remember. She also stated too what she went through with one of her parents which I was in shock.
One of the images of my mother that I'll never forget is of her standing on the lawn making sure the curtains hung perfectly for anyone that may be passing by. I'm serious.
@@alizlovescherry Had I known narcissism and BPD and its manifestations in my family of origin and my ex, I would have chosen the no children road too. I feel guilty for my child having to deal with this. I would have let the pain stop right with me, no more spreading pain to future generations
My mom hides her narcissism at such an expert level, I have always been labelled a ungrateful and rude son all my life. She's the most delightful, generous and selfless person to everyone, but at home and behind closed doors, my dad, helper and I bears the full force of her negativity. Moved out 5 years ago and it was the best decision of my life, however my wife and I just had a baby boy 2 months ago, and she is encroaching back into our lives once again. Can't have my son grow up the way I did.
Don’t go back. Raise your son your way, let the narcissists have NO impact on you or your son. You know it may take a lifetime for your son to recover. Love and Peace 💚
Good luck with that. I made the mistake of letting mine back in and they turned my kids against me. Always buying their love and affection. My youngest saw it for herself...she knows...
It's amazing how good they are at hiding their behavior. I always wondered how come my mother could have so many friends. They all knew at least a little of the things she was doing to me, but very few acknowledged it. STand firm against your mother. If she can get to your son in any way, she will have two victims. Your son, and by extension you. Your son will feel that he has to protect you from her by doing her will, and you will feel the same. And... nobody needs that roller coaster of good and bad. No one needs to learn the skill of loving a person for a few rare moments of goodness.
My father is the same way. Pillar of the community, everyone's friend, EVERYBODY loves him and thinks he's just the greatest guy . He's charming, friendly, jovial and comes off as an all around good man. He was a terrifying monster behind closed doors. I've cut him off for good, he will never meet or know my children and I will rejoice the day I get the phone call he is dead. I hate Narcissists with a passion, they are a total two-faced, toxic waste of perfectly good oxygen. My son deserves better. Better to have no grandparent than a bad/narcisstic grandparent.
Trying to be good enough for just a few moments of their love. That's right. That's so true. We should be good enough to be loved as we are. It shouldn't depend on doing something. Thank you!
At age 48, I started therapy. At age 50, I cut off my toxic parents, two siblings and a grandmother with a few family members!! That decision has radically changed my life for the better!!!😊😊😊
I made the realization at 55 and went no contact soon after. Best decision I ever made. What's amazing is I frequently remember the crap he pulled that I long since forgot. Good for you.
Something that helps me is I put my anger where it belongs . Usually I’m anger or upset at an adult in my life and not my children so when o find myself taking my anger out on them I remember this energy is not for them.
My father just passed away in September. I never understood why he treated me so bad until now. I realize that he was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat child. I know it sounds funny but I feel more relief than sorrow at his passing. At age 62, I'm starting to immerse myself in my creative passions. I now Feel Like Anything is Possible!
My therapist has recommended I go no contact with my 82 year old Narc father. The relief I felt washed over me when she said this and I’m now sleeping better than I ever have in my life. It’s been painful but facing the truth is like having a Boulder removed from my shoulders.
My narcissistic father died when I was 49, and my life began. I’ve also totally thrown myself into my creativity. It was like reading something I’ve written when I read what you wrote!…. I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden haired child. I think out of it all, I have tremendous determination, and push, to do what I set out to do. I just have to watch my self sabotage, and rein it in when I realise what’s happening. All the very best to you. Big hugs. 💕
@Krishna Patel Oh my….this is one of the saddest comments I’ve read today. I am so sorry you feel that way. We should never feel as though we NEED anyone like that. Although I do understand. There have been many times when I don’t know what would become of me if I were alone. But, at the same time, if I had stayed single l, instead of sticking with my ex husband, I might not have all the issues I now have 🤷♀️ He did a number on me, was married to him for 17 years. The next relationship messed me up raven more, but I will refrain from going into detail about that. That is a story for another day and maybe not told to the public at all. I am going through a lot right now due to having PTSD and it activated shortly after my current BF and I got together. I am so reactive, although I believe I am doing much better….but I am still not well. It is sensible to have a partner, best friend, lover, supporter, encourager, teacher, understanding, decisive, person (hopefully their skill set is unique compared to yours) to me, that is a soul mate and life partner really is. In the beginning, the chemistry you feel when you kiss them or the first time you make love, you have such a deep feeling of connectedness, like you’ve never felt before. It was so captivating and left me longing for more. Then, I did you not! Every single time we made love after thaThat is a soul mate. I feel like I have finally met him, just the big man upstairs has a devilishly sick sense of humor! We trigger the f**k out of each other! We might not make it, because I believe we both have the same core issues but handle in completely different ways--and the way we handle them trigger each other too. 💔. This is how we learned about attachment styles. I am normally a secure attachment. Being with him, his attachment style was Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant, leaning DA (Dismissive Avoidant). So he like to take off. Me, my attachment style wish hi is FA leaning Anxious attachment style. He tiggers my core abandonment issues, for some reason. Sorry this comment got so wordy! This is how my trauma brain works lately…. I don’t know what to do as bout that yet! Any tips and/or help snd/advice would be greatly appreciated.
I was blown away by the reality that my mother was jealous of me. It took me 54 years to go no contact. I stopped needing / wanting her approval, acceptance, understanding and love. I was done! 8 years on I live happy joyous and free from issues and drama and stresses created by my narc mother.
Dear Bronwyn…you have taken the exact words I have always wanted to say out of my mouth…. I was blown away too at her constant, unrelenting jealousy…my God, even jealous over a new pair of stockings…or lip liner… She’d rant about it and bitch for hours….it got me down so much…I’m 52 ..only now, as recently as a few weeks ago I finally broke.. It’s taken all these years….but now I know I’m done….I look forward to a happier, calmer more positive life….
My liberation didn’t arrive TIL 5 years after she died because up until then I didn’t realize *how* not-normal my life had been. I had a vague idea, but not with any clarity. A lot of wonderful adults in my life went as far as they dared in offering reprieve and validation. In the 50s and 60s, the social rule forbade active intervention unless the child was visibly battered, so the people aware of something not right had to be careful and creative. I’m inexpressibly grateful to them; I doubt I would have lived to see my 16th birthday if not for them.
Wow, I felt this. My mother tried her best to destroy my confidence ever since I was a teen, telling me in detail how every part of my young body was disgusting & that I was ugly. It was only after leaving home I realised she was just a nasty, toxic, jealous, narc & always will be.
Same here, my mother ruined my confidence to the core she used to cry every day and used to put pressure on me for my marriage when i was not ready , her negativity put me into depression for 15 years, all these 15 years i just lived my life like a robot goto office work like a dog and earn money and give to my mother after taking money she used to make me feel that i am useless person in this world as i am not getting married
My father is a narcissist. I cut him off a long time ago. That enabled me to recognize my husbands mother as a narcissist. The lies. The inflated ego.The never good enough. The victim playing. We cut her off too. I refuse to have narcissistic grandparents around my children. We are very happy without them.
How did I deal with my narcissistic father? I haven't spoken to him in 20 years. The best 20 years of my life. I hear he just lays in bed all day and no one visits him. I don't want to expose my kids to that monster. Oh, my father would love to play mind games with my kids and make himself feel superior while enjoy seeing their pain.
@@joolspools777 You are a kind person. I heard he has not changed. He has used and abused me so much. I have no regrets. It only takes one person to damage an entire family.
I cut ties with my narcissistic father. I finally came to understand that he doesn’t really “love” me because he can’t love himself. I give myself what I need. There is tremendous peace being away from the trauma and drama.
I am literally a few hours away from attempting to do this - cutting off my Narcissistic Father. I feel like I'm trapped under a rock, and I'm preparing to cut my arm off. Really needed to see this comment. Thanks for sharing.
@@williamkeith798 Hope it went well, Will. I am currently on low-contact with my dad, and it feels really strange going from a conversation with my friends where everyone considers each other as equal, to a conversation with him where he basically just talks over and belittles me.
@@orbis17 it's been really tough. I'm learning about the term 'Enmeshment', and that's definitely descriptive of mine and his relationship. It's been the most empowering step of my life, but also the hardest. Good for you for having boundaries set up, and thank you for the kind words. We've gotta surround ourselves with people who give, not just take.
True words. My brother's ex has classic NPD, my ex has narc traits. I think both of our parents have narc traits. Mom more so than Dad. It's hard to tell, I'm not objective, I adored my dad, he was the sun, moon and stars. When he died, my mom, brother and I were crushed. Biggest difference is my dad was so emotional, very expressive, supportive, encouraging, affectionate. But he also had a really bad temper. He went into these scary, angry rages. When you're a kid - and your dad is really unpredictable like that - it's scary! I HATED being yelled at - it terrified me. So he didn't yell at me. Didn't really yell at my brother much. It was mostly at my mom. Verbal abuse. My mom has covert traits for sure. She gaslights, manipulates, is really judgemental, very ego-centric, bullies, hyper-critical, and lacks empathy. I don't remember her being as bad as she is now when my dad was alive but then again - my dad was like AWESOME supply for her. He took care of EVERYTHING. So she's probably in withdrawal. I am not a good source of supply lately. I done being triggered. I have this amazing woman as a peer support who has helped me change my perception so I can see the world differently. Instead of being angry and irritable all the time I'm letting stuff go. Part of that was a change in my ADHD meds. The other part was seeing what my parents went through as kids - knowing that they meant well, they never meant to hurt us, it just happened. They actually tried too hard. Also, if my mom needs help, I get off my butt and help her. I ain't doing a dang that is SO important it can't wait, lol. And she's like a 5-yr-old, if she wants something, she wants it NOW. I think all older people get like that. She's almost 85, and since my dad passed in early 2019, her previous SUPER-HIGH anxiety went into space orbit. I've told her quite a few times now to just..... go sit down and chill. Unfortunately I inherited that anxiety. I think I manage it better. Or, well, I mask it better.
I'm so grateful to read everyone's comments because I felt so alone for so many years in trying to deal with my narcissistic mother. I feel that all you are my true sisters and brothers. We have faced the truth about our parent(s) and are being set free to become our authentic selves.
I am damaged. One of my brother's is golden boy which miffs me off. One brother lives a long way. I have always been afraid of our parent so I grovel and am treated worse. I dare not even say who the parent is. I married a someone with the same personality it was disastrous for me but I am wiser now. I hope you are wiser now because of your unfortunate experience 💜💜💜 purple is for bravery
When I was a teenager I started to stand up against my narcissistic mother, she always went insane. My dad had to tell me, "don't upset your mother". I essentially became both a lamb and a bit of a loner
This hit deep. Felt like I was living 5 different lives half of the time trying to console an anxious mom (who was projecting her anxieties at me) and stay safe from a emotional brick wall dad
@@RL-jj4ec I'm sorry to hear that, even though it is a burden to deal with when they are alive, it must still be hard to lose a family member. Good luck with the healing process for you and your family
I learned that your dad enabling your narcissistic mother and trauma bonding with the child, also makes them an abuser. You never realize however because you can put them on a pedestal for being the less abusive parent.
I feel the same way... I ask myself why am I here, why did they have me? They just ruined my childhood, traumatised me and here I am now as an adult trying to fix the damage and suffer trying to function in this world.. I didn't ask for this bs... but I'm trying
I don't think they know how to be any different because they need healing. Regardless of your parents..and I'm not dismissing how you feel in any way..the Bible says that while you were in your mother's womb he knew you..and knit you together. Psalm 139. Personally, I have done and still continue to heal not apart from God but by having him in my life. He is the one that knows us completely and loves us the most. It is not always easy to believe this on a heart level but I believe if we come to that place of really knowing that we will be have so much more peace and love, trusting him more and more.
@@RedPillsAreGood Welcome to the club, the important thing is to accept yourself where you are and know where you are going in the process, so eventually you will be able to love those who have harmed you and empathize with those of similar trauma.that you will no longer resort to blame others for your life. Thereby remaining in the victim state of being. But rather start accepting and forgiving and become victorious as those offenses that once bound you are now the stepping Stones that create a pathway to a higher state of being. Much love friend
I'm sorry. My father is a big selfish angry child who never shows up for me. He wants to see what he can get. He feels I owe him something. He never was a dad. My mom spent all her time catering to him and his bs. As a result I grew up alone. As an only kid. I just disappeared and never reappeared. It's isolating but at least the pandemic didn't shake me it's just my every day life. I hate his drama. My mom remarried but that guy is no better. Still alone.
Omggg….one sentence and you explained it all!!!! Thing is, even though I have finally figured it out and am certain beyond a reasonable doubt that mother is narcissistic and destroyed all relationships with my dad’s family and with the community. I was confused till 60 years old. I had gotten out of the house by 21. Of course also confused about everyone I came in contact with. I was too opened and trusting …. now I’m exhausted…with no boundaries and discernment I have been battered by life.
I went back and read my journal from my adolescence. I didn't write it that way but it was so clear how I so confused all the time. I had no idea I was so confused but it was obvious going back and reading it.
Louanne, I’m right there with you. I’m 68 and still dealing. I’ve spent my whole life on a yo-yo of healing and growing up, then regressing to an unloved, unworthy, needy child. I’m going back to therapy after yet another late-breaking trauma. Hang in there Sis. Sending hugs.
Well don't be stupid like me. I kept going around till 4days before Christmas. I had to go "no contact" with my mom. She's going to live forever, so it was up to me to go away. I don't hate anyone, I just want to be me again. Thank you Jesus Christ for helping me.
Im 58 and my narcissist mother lives in my home. Im a sucker. She will outlive me, frequently bringing up that she's soooo healthy. I deeply resent her.
@@gail9566 MOVE HER OUT.. .IMMEDIATELY!!!! She manipulated u to get into your home... Trust me. My mother moved in and was such a terror ( while I was big with a difficult pregnancy), I put her worthless ass out. Found out later she was calling all of the relatives and running me down WHILE IN MY HOME. What a piece of work.
@@phyllis9750 my mom did the same. I had to sit her down several times to chat with her about being negative about my 16 year old son and I to her church friends. She wrote a Christmas letter to her friends and the family and cut us down in the middle of it. I was super angry about it.
Had to cut my mother off for her behavior. It's so hard because I'm so used to feeding off her approval and our trauma bonding. I feel so alone most days but it's better than the constant roller coaster of life that I was experiencing with her around.
Wow. It's great to hear that you were able to see your value and prioritize your worth and cut her off as a result of her own behavior. I understand the desire to feed off approval... it's your mom. So hard to get beyond desiring that connection and always hoping the approval and support was there for you. That loneliness feeling is extra tough, feels different in some way when you can't count on your parent to be there for you.
I went no contact with my narc family . My health has improved and I'm feeling stronger every day. I've surrounded myself with healthy supportive people who actually care. Best decision of my life.
It is so hard to go no contact, it is so very difficult but as you said, it beats the constant walking on eggshells, roller coaster feeling. Sending a supportive hug.
@Tessa Shaw I am 54 and married, also no children as I did not want to perpetuate the cycle. Recently went no contact with both parents when they finally, finally crossed a line with me, and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sending you a hug.
I relate to this 100%. Brought me to tears. I always felt so alone and crazy. My mother really made me believe I was always the problem. When it really was her. I was a child. She was the adult.
The most terrible about having a narcissistic parent is that you still love them no matter what.. that you wish them to love you back just as much as you love them, even though you know it is impossible.
Mine was just the opposite. I can remember as a very small child with my mother on her knees in front of me, begging me to tell her I loved her. Please, please, tell me you love me. Even at that age, I just couldn't say the words. I understand how much she needed to hear that, but I knew it would have been a lie.
I used to always have a friend with me as a kid because my mom would consistently act so much nicer and thoughtful around them. It became my hack for existing in my childhood.
Well explained. Gifts from narcissistic parents are transactional. No such thing as a free lunch. You will be reminded that you are not appreciative enough and you owe them.
@@HeartFeltGesture same my mom says she wishes she never had kids.. I think abortion should be a thing. You didn’t gift your child with life.. you cursed them forever to never love or trust ourselves or anyone else . This is worse in pedophilia in my opinion. It’s your own parent / creator. Not some random creep.
Well said. In the 4th Grade, I realized my mom's pattern. She bought me a gift, then throw it up to me for 2 weeks that she bought me something. I started to decline gifts if she asked because I didn't want her hear it afterward!
We were reminded of that in normal households. “I took up for you at school and you were fighting” and rarely care why unless you were taking up for them or a coach saw and was on your side about it. If a coach bragged about it you were scot free. It was just a tool in the toolbox. I think appropriate and limited use of that is good leverage for parents teaching stubborn kids.
My dad was a classic narcissist while my mom was guilt trip type narcissist. A technique that helped me was “re-write” my past in journal, and gave myself different parents who taught me to love myself rather than the parents I actually had who basically taught me to hate myself, this helped me to kind of recondition my mind and realize that I do matter.
My parents are both narcissists my mother guilt game, jealous, rages, controlling my father the blame game its always your fault or ignores you if he doesn't like what he hears. I left home at 18 after a big fall out of cause it was all my fault 🤣. I am now 50 they are old vulnerable stubborn hoarders and the house is falling apart and dangerous they won't let anyone help and its not their fault its yours! 😱😥
I do believe that writing it down and maybe re-writing your perspective, gives you the new lease of life you need. I was being manipulated for most of my life to serve only her. After my Dad died it was worse because no friends were accepted, girl or especially boy friends. She even finally watched ne marry someone I didnt truly love, and revelled in my regret. She did die early, but adoring children of others did not understand my relief! Thought I was wicked even. Even now, I am not dogged by being oppressed (or is it repressed)?
If I had an accomplishment my parents would say “that’s what your supposed to do” . But my grandfather always told me how proud he was of me to this day.
I’m 17 with a dad who has servere narcissism. I struggled to have a relationship with my father for a while and I got to a place where he made me absolutely miserable. My advice for minors who are stuck with narcissistic parents is to simply do your own thing. Is easier said then done since they have huge issues with control. But for me, I got a job, bought almost everything on my own and was able to release some of the control that was over me. Your mental health is important and shouldn’t be compromised to fit the needs of your parent. Do what you have to in order to make sure you are okay!
This is called insulation and it’s insulating yourself from the comments, neglect, varying levels of abuse that one may encounter. Thank you for sharing this comment. I think many people will find it very helpful.
@@kamy6389 Difficult , my Daughtet is 17 , wants a job ,; freinds & a life , my ex come and got her , she is half the size , she was with me. In 12 months she had 7 days outside in fresh air exercise , whole body has deteriorating muscle wastage horrendous , her .mum turned her against me now , Horrendous what my daughter is going through .b
@@kamy6389 my advice would be (if you are experiencing abuse) to pack a bag(s) with things things you need and maybe something you'd like to keep, make a plan to stay at a friend's or a shelter (look online if you can) and call the police. You are an adult and they are imprisoning you against your will. Even if it doesn't stand as a "crime" they can arrest your parents for perhaps they could assist in your escape by being there. Also look into the churches in your area if you have any as they may be able to provide you with some help.
When I was in my early 20’s I lost 140lbs and it was a real true victory in my life. My dad posted an old picture of me on Facebook and said Here’s the real Jack. I can’t imagine being that cruel to my son and also probably why Ill never have children
I'm sorry!!! My ex was like that to my son. Realize they have the issues not us. I realized all the manipulative, gaslighting, and narcissistic stuff he was doing to me was all him. Once I got that in my head I felt sorry for him. He was trapped in his own living hell - his own mind.
Jack Rudy, the real you is what you see of yourself, not what our parents or people say about us. Having will power like yours will bring you the life of success.
I divorced my malevolent covert narcissistic mother 23 years ago. The best thing I ever did. It took time to get my life on track….hard work. Today I own my life.😊
@@makedafindlay9398She was a liar and I caught her again. I had enough. I drove home several states away and never spoke to her again. I cried every day for several months, even w/therapy. Gradually the pain diminished. I thank God.
Going No Contact (after confronting my parents with the abuses) was the best decision I made. I made it before I turned 37; just over 8 years later I saw my narcissistic mother and she *has.not.changed*! Now that I have had all doubts removed, I'm finally starting to heal (including physically) and become a somewhat functional human being (at least in my home). Progress is slow, but I'm not giving up.💪🏻🙏🏻
I have an entirely different view of others who appear to be lonely or suffering now, after going through similar stuff, my body is dying now and I finally realized no contact was the only way. Now I pray God can heal me so I can have some life before I grow old and die.
You were an empath god sent to break this curse ❤❤❤❤❤❤I moved away because I noticed my whole family acted alike and I was the only one playing with paper dolls making dolls out of tshirts and the mental interviews started 😂😂😂😂bye narc bitches y'all can't do nothing unless it's a human contact event 😂😂😂
Yes I also feel like a toy, a doll, a robot, a punching bag. When the toy is broken (AKA not following orders), I was labeled to be "broken" and my narcissistic mother will teach me a lesson, lashing out and abused me physically and mentally.
I went no contact over 18 years ago with both narc parents. Both passed away. No regrets. Most other family members also eventually went no contact. In therapy at 49yo and I'm finally free of this internal "I owe everyone" mantra I've lived with as well as bpd traits. My faith probably plays the most important role, though. Don't ever give up seeking help and truth.
I'm only 21 but no contact with my mom for about a year. I miss her but I can't handle it. Nobody in my family speaks to her anymore. I was the scapegoat child always growing up. I wish parents could do better.
What you overcame sounds like me rn. I'm trying to go NC but I'm full of guilt and loneliness. Hopefully over time the safe space I am tryign to build is enough.
Hi there I couldn't hep it but felt a real connection I went four years with no contact, I felt like I had no choice, when mum passed away yes I was there due to the police contacting me I was relieved in therapy now have forgiven her with God's help God bless you on your journey
I had two narcissistic parents who I cut off! I'm 63 years old and still suffer from the abuse. The abuser can forget and forgive themselves but it's the abused who carries that intense pain forever. My father just passed but I never shed a tear, I hope when my malignant mother dies I might finally be free. I feel no guilt because I love them but can't bear the toxicity...I've suffered enough!
yeah i had the same experience 2 narcs for parents see above if i hadn't taken extacy i wouldn't have a clue what love is i'm also getting on 50yrs old now and i still feel like a lost child i hope they suffer in hell for a very long time!
@@markhall42 - I remember the first time I got drunk and was thinking, “This must be what love feels like.” I stayed drunk for the next 10 years and wound up in a living hell. Drugs and alcohol bind to the same receptor sites that we feel when we have a healthy relationship and that becomes the addiction. I removed the alcohol and replaced it with healthy relationships which is what caused the pain that I was trying to escape from. After my narc parents were dead and my narc grandmother finally followed them I was able to realize that I was living in hell here on earth and I was going to have to make the changes to find a new way to live. They are never going to validate me or give me the love they withheld. They are never going to apologize for the physical abuse and neglect. Now it’s my life between me and God and I have to answer for the things that I have done and the harm I have caused no matter how small. I have to be the adult for the kid inside of me that still hurts and is trying to cary all that pain alone. I didn’t get to pick my family but I can pick my friends and the people around me that I love and who are with me on my journey of healing.
My mom was an absolute narcissist Queen and because of her I am an empath. I'm too sensitive ,I care too much , and I'm a human lie detector. I can absolutely feel somebody's thoughts pain happiness all of it just walking into a room.
Ditto! I totally "know" when people are lying to me, and feel emotion when walking into a room. Can feel the energy of an argument/other negatives that have been in the room even after they've left or argument is over. It's exhausting, isn't it?
I've spent years saying "my parents just never loved me" and people couldn't wrap their minds around it. I finally know it's because they both have NPD. I don't know how I went so long without realizing it. My whole life, all I ever needed was to be loved and empathized with.
It’s been 4 years since I went NO CONTACT with my narcissistic parents and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. It’s not easy, but I m happier now that I have ever been. Wishing you all peace❤️
I am in my 30s and I still feel a sense of disorientation and my sense of time warped due to the abuse I went through childhood and adolescence. My 20s were characterized by the effects of the abuse and my 30s as my years of recovery. However, I cannot leave them due to my mother being alone with my alcoholic narcissistic father, yet my mother was a covert narcissist. Hence, why I was stunted emotionally, perhaps physically due to stress and anxiety and I did not develop as a healthy adult. Maybe once I leave them I will be healthier and develop into the adult I had envisioned to be.
I decided to run away at the age of 9 or 10. Then realized, where would I go? And how could I navigate the world? So I stayed. And finally got out and quickly landed on My feet at age 20. My deepest regret is not running away. I should figured it out, because staying there killed Me.
The questions never ever asked were “How do YOU feel?” Your “What do YOU want?”. Being seen as a good mother was uppermost with my mother, actually being one - of course - never was. My mother was outraged when my high school counselor suggested to her that I see a therapist - it made her look bad!!!
Instead of being a good mother mine saved up and bought me a HUGE teddy bear when I was 3. On the way home, I quietly wound the car window down and threw it out. It was at night. They went back to try to find it but I'd thrown it out tens of miles away. She knew that I was onto her phoney ways. She admitted when I was 25, to never having loved me when I told her on the phone just the sound of her voice made me want to cry. These days she's guilt ridden and she rants and raves loudly. I quietly reminded her that she hardly lets me speak and when I do, it's her reacting and over reacting. I said this is why I shut myself off from her for decades. Shattering to her but she's gradually facing it. I have had to do all the emotional work. Plus I had thyroid disorder that amplified all my trauma. I have tried very hard to not repeat her mistakes but the reality is that due to the lack of good role models I have some characteristics that are. I just have to work on it but hardly knew who I was for decades. It's just hard work. she was jealous of my beauty and never gave me any positive feedback. So I never believed I was beautiful. No real self confidence.
thanks Mary. Support and love never got through to me when I needed it most. Her mother on her deathbed said she saw history repeating itself with how my mother treated me, repeating from her own jealousy and abuse of my mother. But she never got to apologise, my mother refused to go to her deathbed to hear it. She blocks out what she doesn't want to hear and just shouts. So I have had to do all the recovering, and now I talk gently but persistently. It's asking a lot. But after ss many years of hard work, I'm getting some kind of reward in the form of inner security. @@Emkfry8020
Same. I couldn’t have one thought, one feeling, one need, one anything of my own or she’d be in a rage! Heaven forbid I get sick. When I had my first of two eye injuries she told me to kill my self and hated me the sicker I got (which was because of her). I literally lived in mental hospitals and emergency rooms from suicide attempts and she tortured me more. She was a demon straight from hell.
@@deborahcurtis1385I'm hoping you've cut off contact with her. If she has ever said she wants to get better or wants to work on yourself for you, but you're doing all the work... that's a lie. That's a lie just to get you back. She should be doing all the work, as she's the person with the disorder. Not you. You can't heal if you're in the same environment that made you sick.
It's been 2 1/2 years since I've spoken to my covert narcissist mother. It's good to know others can relate. I became a rebel in my teenage years, I always knew something was "off", I just couldn't express it then. The only problem is my relative family is having trouble believing me when I tell them about the lifetime of abuse, they never saw bruises so everything was fine to them. That's what makes my mother the most brilliant of monsters.
I can relate. My narc biological father was just never in my life, by his choice. My single narc mother really had me walking on eggshells until I rebelled as a teenager. It was short lived because I just got tired, exhausted, and detached. I'm 50 and just realising in recent years that the lifetime of emotional pain I felt around her and my family, who always sides with her, was very real and not my fault. So in going nc with her, I went nc with the whole family. They are all so fecked up, they don't consider her abusive or neglectful, and she was both.
Very sorry you went through this abuse from someone who was supposed to be loving and kind….unfortunately others are unlikely to believe you because all they see is the “nice person “/“good mother “ mask she wears. Feel good to stand by what you know is true.
That bit about the parent not wanting therapy... Spot on. And it's sad bc they are the ones who need it most. But they don't believe in it, and completely dismiss the idea of it.
They are more prone to claiming your mentally ill and finding yes doctors to label you or far worse. Attempting to compel a narcissist to seek help is like trying to touch the sun in the sky. You can see it for yourself but you can never touch it. You see the narcissist for who they are but you can never change that sadly. I was even sent to concentration camps as a small child. Due to hiding in my room 24/7 outside of school. Since I was severely abused and neglected at home. Then I'd go to school and be bullied by students and teachers alike. I was physically abused when I was younger. Psychologically emotionally abused for the all my life to date. I was sexually abused on one occasion as well. I ended up an empath with CPTSD and an anxiety disorder. It didn't help that every single place I've worked has exploited and abused me. All while gaslighting me on top of it. Not to mention nearly every single person I've ever known since I was a small child has just exploited me. Many often being very toxic the majority of people steal from me. I had teachers stealing from me as early as first grade. Then gaslighting me when I caught them in the act one day at recess. Tragically an overwhelming majority of the people I've dealt with for over 30 years now have only exacerbated everything. I've seen the worst in humans and have been on the receiving end of far worse than that directly. Far to numerous of times to keep track of anymore.
Don't bother on therapy for narcissists... they are their own demons but won't admit it. I just discover this among my family members. Not worthy of our time to associate much with them.
My mother would insist on going to therapist or counselor alone for one session, then come home and proclaim that "They told me I have no problems, I'm perfectly delightful and well adjusted and fascinating to talk to. They said it's all of YOU with the problems, you're all jealous and spiteful." Sure they did 😕😓😐
Amen! Even though it can be decades without an answer (6 for me!), it is so good to know NOW what we didn't know THEN. It is all new, even in the medical community.
I was 35 when I finally realized what was going on, now the only thing I can do is learn and try not to repeat the same mistakes. I’m almost 40 and have no kids because I’m terrified I’ll be the same.
I'm diagnosed BPD and have a narcissistic mother. I'm 40 now and when I had my son who's now Six, I had to cut mother off so she couldn't destroy my child's life as well. I've had the best six years of my life, not only being a Mom but free from my narcissistic mother. Yet another great video, thank you Dr Fox.
Penny Bunny, I did this too. My first two I didn’t let them go to her and his house alone. I went with them. Then by my 3rd baby I had learned and kept them away from them. It was peaceful. BUT guess what? When they turned 18, this woman began to call them in her own without me knowing and love bombing them. That bought them a car each, phones, furniture cloths kitchen stuff everything even though they had their own already from me n their dad. None-the- less she love bombed them, injected meanness in me to them for keeping them away from her and dad. All those years she had been planning how to destroy what the kids had with me. This started until she had them go no contact with me. My youngest went two years with not speaking to me. The two older ones I still haven’t seen - five years. Also she had planned for literally my whole life to screw me. She didn’t file my birth certificate w the state, I had a military birth certificate that was fine with employers until 911. I had interviewed for a new job and got the offer then a letter came said they couldn’t identify me. HR couldn’t tell me why. Long story short I went for five years trying to get a job taking all kinds of hell from all directions my car was reloaded etc and she was my biggest critic for being such a bad person I couldn’t even get a job. I applied for a passport my and finally they pinned down the problem it was that she never filed my real birth certificate and knew this all along. So I’m saying to give you a heads up, she’s sitting at her place plotting how to get to your son when he is adult. I had explained to my kids completely. They get really hurt in the teen years for not having grandparents. I hope this will help you to some how ??? Ward it off for you and your son. Peace to you and good luck protecting them. I no doubt had to deal with feeling if I failed to protect them in the end. I know it’s not my fault but I NEVER dreamed she would go this far. Oh when I told her about the birth certificate she just gave me that gotch grin no sorties no remote just floating.
I'm 50. This is why I never had children. Even watching my N mother interact with my dog reinforces the fact that this was a responsible decision on my part. Shame, really, 'cause I always wanted kids and think I would have been a pretty good mother.
@@sabeaniebaby I chose very young to not have children or marry. The horrible relationship my parents had made me think a family would be bad. Today I love my pets and help stray animals and know I would have loved being a mom.
The child grows up feeling a profound sense of unworthiness, self doubt and fear. I didn’t know how screwed up my dad was until he turned on me. I found out it was all about power and satisfying his enormous ego. I never stood a chance.
@jeanie Mattone. Oh, wow... 🥺😳 This is so similar to my situation. What you said about how we grow up, feeling unworthy, never good enough. It's sad, it's bad, it's a terminal situation in many ways. 😔 My mother was the narcissist in my life so, I was a Daddy's girl and the messed up part is that, when she died, ( I was 42 years old) my dad turned into exactly what you described your dad as being. It's as if I lost them both, the day my mom passed away because my dad disappeared and someone new had taken over his body. Deep wounds that sometimes never heal....
@@Tobrina1978 I have a feeling your dad was always that way-your mother may have just been worse and when she died, he stepped into what would have been his ‘normal’ role. People don’t change-not at that age. I’m sorry, Sweetie. 💔
I have a narcissistic mother and my life only got better when I stood out for myself and showed that I was going to do what I wanted, regardless of what she wanted. We had a huge fight, but it was necessary for me and helped me to her more empowered about myself. Now I don't let her so close to me anymore and it's been better. Space is always necessary, physically and emotionally.
I broke of all contact with my narcissist mother and the flying monkeys (which unfortunately was my whole family..). I basically lost everyone but there was nothing else to do. It was terrible at first but now I feel it was the best decision in my life ☺️
Sometimes, there's no other choice. They even go out of their way to convince relatives, neighbors, family friends that you're the crazy one and 90% or more of them end up believing them because people are stupid like that. I had to do the same, unfortunately, but no regrets. It's just the way life is sometimes.
Gosh healing the inner childhood wound has been tough. Then healing from ex psychopath...trauma bond. Been healing for over 3 years . Hugs to everybody trying to love themselves 💙💙💙
I think you have only scratched the surface of how detrimental it is to have a NPD parent. For instance, unbeknownst to me: my mother carefully planned to steal my trust fund when I came to years, and she did - even before I had a chance to think about it. The silver lining of having a NPD mother is that I grew up wanting to become the opposite of everything she embodied. And, in time by the grace of God: I have.
@@melissamclaughlin697 In my case she lied so much to the judge and it was all in the protocol. Did you go to the courts office and get all the papers there, read it on the spot and make copies? I did and I found out the many lies she had told about me. I then brought forward the evidence that this and that she had told was untrue. But because I was too late to appeal against the court decision, nevertheless, the higher court released a decision saying that the "mother" was a notorious lyer. I left my then 14-year old daughter with my mother, because she burst in tears and begged me to stop fighting, so I did. But I regret it every single day. I wish you all the best and strength. Also, the youth welfare office was stuffed with people out of hell. Never sign anything they tell you to sign. They lie so much, a honest person would not believe it possible. Also, everyone involved earns money with your problems. So be careful whom you ask for help. I wish you all the best and all the strength you need.
My narcissistic mother would tell us at age 6 that she “didn’t like us very much right now”…probably due to us having an opinion or something. She’s now in her late 70’s playing the victim bc of course she remembers none of the emotional and physical abuse…I have no time for it.
I reversed ALL of the pain and hurt by taking care of my mother when she became old. She could never admit all of the damage she did to me, but its all she knew. I got therapy myself all these years, and can articulate now what happened to me. Caring for her when she was old, frail, and then died healed us both. Even if they cannot apologize, or don't 'remember' forgive them for your own good, and for your own children. To have peace for yourself.I ended up as an Empath as well, and its a gift for helping others. Love is the only answer.
We all do learn what we live , as children, by watching the adults around us. We can't blame our parents because blame seeks punishment, we were victims of victims. That's how they were treated, destined to repeat it , I am 71 now , I am an identical twin, I was introduced as" this is Annette she is a twin ,but her twin is dead." My Father delivered us on the lounge room floor , My sister passed a week later ,we were put into separate humey cribs, we were 2 lb each. My Father loved me dearly ,we having a very close bond , my Mother did not show me Love ,only anger and jealousy, until my father passed, Infact she treated me completely different from my three siblings. I have learned that Forgiveness is the answer to everything. It sets us Free. Show me the child of 7 years old ,and I will show you the man, (Bruce Lipton's truth) And from then on ,we are the one responsible for our own behaviours, until we change them. We do only Have one Mother ❤️❤️ 🙏🙏❣️❣️
Isn’t it odd how they “never remember.” Somehow my mother completely forgot or blocked out years of abuse, neglect, & emotional abuse. I wonder if it’s easier for them to deny or if these moments weren’t even memorable enough for them.
That's crazy to hear but also not so surprising that narcissistic parents tend to create children with BPD traits. I got diagnosed with BPD at the age of 23 after years of self destructive behaviour. The cause is absolutely growing up with narcissistic parents. Great video and very relatable, thank you!
Me too. My folks were so happy to have me at home on meds making me a zombie. They had me convinced I was mentally ill and needed to live in a mental institution. My mother actually lied to the therapist with the hopes of getting me committed to satisfy the NPD stepdad. Now after 40 years my mom has become the NPD as well and they are a miserable team who hate each other, especially their kids.
@@DrDanielFox Your video was helpful, but to be frank it just re-enforced what I already knew. As my dad and his family did their best to destroy me just to hurt my mom. While my sisters could do no wrong, despite their criminal activity that started in high school. Perhaps it was best that my parents split when I was four, and I lived with my mom as my dad & his family always despises me....
You are not alone.look here,I was raised by a narcissistic grandma, married to a narcissistic husband and employed by a narcissistic boss,life hasn't been easy for me😢
It took me so long to realize that my grandma and my dad both had it and were basically the same person. It all clicked after a huge family blow up. It’s crazy that I’ve spent a majority of my life thinking I was the bad person because I was relieved when I wasn’t living with my parents anymore. It felt so good to be free from the stress and the walking on eggshells.
I could not believe irt looks like he is talking about my fathers. The words he uses just to translate to our language. The same nearly wanted to cry.❤
I broke away at 17 , got emancipated … went to Santa Barbara CA. I found a wonderful support group and great music , the ocean, the mtns, so beautiful (I’m from MN). I’m 65! And a survivor 👍
I did the same, I left home at 16years. Actually, my narc father told me to leave home, but I was glad. I hadn’t finished school yet but decided to finish school at 34 so I could go to university and become a therapist. I’m 55 now and also a survivor! It’s taken me a long time to undo all the mental damage and I’m still working on it, but I’m finally in a much better place 🙏🏽
@@helenaedwards7123 thanks so much for sharing your experience. It's crazy how it happened exactly the same way with me. My father said it's his home and asked me to leave. I'm only 22 and left home 1.5 years ago. I belong to a country where parents are held at a pedestal and nobody, absolutely nobody, believed me. Hearing experiences like yours make me feel seen and not alone. Thanks again. ✨
It's so disturbing to read in the comments that people were happy and relieved when their mother/father died. And yet, I totally understand it. When you live with a narcissist, it's like living with a terrorist or a sadistic prison warden. They terrorize and torture you every time they can get away with it, which is often. They repress you and oppress you and you feel worthless, powerless, paralyzed, and silenced. They have power over you, and they keep you under their thumb. So it feels like the only way out, the only relief, the only escape, is when they die.
It was a relief when my abusive narcissistic male parent died. When he was alive, he tried manipulating me by being super nice. How can I give a shit about someone who traumatized and abused me? It was extremely difficult being around him because I hated him. I’m glad he’s dead.
I hated being home as a child. I never felt like my mom wanted me to be there. I had great friends growing up and my dad's mom basically raised me and was the center of my world. I was the eldest. It wasn't until someone I care about in my adult life was diagnosed with NPD recently that led me to yours and others youtube videos and helped me realize what was wrong in my household all my childhood. There were 5 of us kids. 4 girls and 1 boy. She treated me and my little brother like discarded trash, and never raised any of us to 18. I'm now 42 and raised 2 children of my own. My children have inherited my GAD, but I didn't raise either of them the way my mom treated me. My personal goal was to do better than my mom did, and lift my kids up and encourage them. My mom is 62 and still doesn't see she's the problem and has never gotten help and blames me why we no longer talk. I went no contact December 2008, and kept my kids away from her until they were 18 and could make their own decisions and protect themselves. I really think sometimes the best thing to do is avoid the narcissist. You can't heal around the people that hurt you.
My mid range narcissistic father conveniently "doesn't remember" things he's done. When I was a teenager he would use power and control. Now when I'm a man he doesn't remember things. I don't speak to him anymore.
My mother. She claims she has “dementia” I’m like uhhhhhhh? Recently something stuck out to me that she said. We were talking about my childhood a little bit but I was very weary of what I was saying bc it always ends terribly bc she gets so butt hurt....and defensive....but she mentioned how she always felt like she was competing with the other mothers. She always felt she had to one up them. Meaning I was ALWAYS pawn in her little fucking game. She wanted me to be a cheerleader. Popular. But I realized early on I wasn’t that way. I never connected with the people who she approved of as friends. And when she said that honestly it killed me but it also is helping me see her for what she really is.
Oh yes! According to my mother she gave up everything and apparently I never give her enough acknowledgement or gratitude. When I call her out on things that she's done, she denies EVERYTHING. Righttttt because I just made all this shit up
same. neither of my parents. a few years before I stopped speaking to my parents my mom praised herself "after all I've been through in my life the one thing I can pride myself on is that I was a good parent. I never ever yelled at either of you [her kids]" my jaw hit the ground. her yelling and etc etc led to my eventually developing an autoimmune disease and cptsd with flashbacks of her voice yelling at me!
I didn't have to write off my narcissistic mother and passive father after I started giving my personal opinion that clashed with my mother's. My mother did it. Dad had to follow or feel Hell's fire from her. They are both gone, forgiven and not missed. I finally have peace.
The most powerful thing you can do,and continue when needed, is to forgive them,yourself and the past. It gives you more peace and understanding ,and knowing that even if you cut all contact and connections this frees up hurt and anger. I had to allow myself to be hurt,sad and angry. Validate all my past and present emotions and confusion. Then...when ready, I started the forgiveness path. I hope everyone gives themselves this freedom and empowerment when you're ready💗
@@sandrasiecgrist9233 , your question is a good one. I wish I could give you a recipe, but I honestly think this can be different from one individual to another. In my case,after years of forgiveness, hoping things would be better if only I did this and that...I had to let go. And never look back. And bear no resentment or bitterness despite what they ( family) have done to me. This can also be different from what you, me or other people experience. Another thing I do,is to acknowledge emotions or memories, which fades in time. I also started to do things,and hobbies that I always wanted to do,which was denied. This again made me connect with great people, new friends, and now I earn some money through my hobbies/ creations. I am sorry that I have no clear recipe,or advice. It did help meeting people who was able to listen, and to get some insight from psychologists. And be mindful. I am not a particular great writer,I am more of a " talker",and to connect and listen. I hope you find a way to let go,that is meaningful for YOU 🌈
@@janetheresesbye6034 Thank you so much for replying! I never know if someone form YT will or not so I take the chance anyway. Here’s one thing I struggle to understand where it’s right or wrong, even if there is no right from wrong answer, but did you ever confront the person directly? Like for me it’s my parent. I want nothing more than to confront him and let him know all the ways he hurt me whether or not that’s futile, I doubt it will matter. My sibling I tried to address as well because he is a product of the same pod but he too refuses to set aside personal differences in order for us to all work together as a family for my mom’s sake. It’s the most divisive situation ever and I know I need to be free from his rudeness, hatefulness and general ego trips but for now, it only seems that when he dies, will I have peace. I’m so sick of it all and want nothing more than to sweep my mom from his own demise and find joy in all that life has to offer because the Lord knows....I am very blessed! I am hoping by listening to the multiple videos and reading comments of similar struggles, I can formulate some sort of game plan. I think in many ways, it would be different if I know I would never have to be around him again so this is my internal war. I’ve always found that when people turn a blind eye, let the water roll off of the feathers, there is always some volcanic eruption somewhere that could have been prevented. I definitely value all thoughts and suggestions but also realize every situation can be slightly different. If we were all the same, we would be drones and how boring would that be?! Lol
I was the quiet kid with good grades, I was the peace maker in the family that became an alcoholic as a young adult. 12 yrs. Sober I've learned to work on me set boundaries and limit my interactions with others for time alone.
Wow… I’m 53 years old. I wish I had heard this when I was 12. My father came to this country a refugee that grew up in workforce concentration camps. He’s a twisted mind. Always hated me, and still does in his 80s. He has been a real Judas to all family members. But he especially enjoyed mentally and emotionally shocking/ traumatizing children. Locking us in closets for days. He attempted to “end” me a few times and make it look like an accident. Thankfully he’s stupid and couldn’t make his plans work. He fears me now… and he should. I thank God for my American grandparents from Texas. (My mothers side) So kind . I think of them frequently. I tell my adult children that I love them, every day. They know the story, but they will never really know. One day I told a coworker friend of mine my story . And then asked her. What kind of psycho does stuff like that to their own flesh and blood? Let alone to any child or creature?? She looked me right in the eyes and said, “ it happens every minute of every day Vince !” That broke my heart. Protect the innocent out there.
honestly i don't know how anyone found to have a compulsion to bully kids - their OWN kids no less is considered safe to be roaming among people - sorry i dont think theres any need to be pc about putting the rights of kids before any parental "rights" and certainly before any child abusers rights
It happened to me. My mom. I would be in fear of my mom killing me when I walked home from school. I didn't know what mood she would be in. I later rebelled as a teen. I worked out in school. When she threatened to hit me at age 16 I threatened to beat the living shit out of her if she ever touched me again. It's not disrespectful to stay that to your mom if she tries to kill you. Police were called on her over 8 times but no arrest and nothing happened to her for her abuse. California sucks and no one really cares about you as a child. Unfortunately, what can people do?! I have heard of foster kids getting graped. So what's better for the children? It's a evil world we live in. Now that I am married and have a child I don't understand how my mom could do that to the ones she was supposed to love. I have gotten counciling and read books on how to heal from the abuse. Praise God! Also becoming a Christian and having God by my side saved my life. I have forgiven my mom the best I could. Understand that she grew up in a toxic family with other narcissistic family members. I also understand that she was wrong and as an adult you are fully accountable for your actions regardless of their childhood. I called them out for their wrong doings and explained why they are bad. I put my foot down. I created boundaries and hold to them the best I can. It is frustrating to explain to people that don't go threw this why I do what I do. Example I told my husband and mother in law that if anyone hurts my daughter I will kill them ( I know. I will for sure have boundaries and safety up so I don't put my daughter in that situation. I would never leave my daughter alone with my mom. ). No one will ever hit my daughter or physically hurt her. Our laws don't do anything to people that hurt children so I will take care of the problem myself and get a lawyer, not talk to police at all, zero talking and move to another country that will not put me to prison and protect my daughter. Look at Epstein. He hurt how many women and didn't spend one night in jail because he is rich!!! No! I care about my daughter. You want to live then don't hurt my children!!! I also said to my parents if you ever want to see your granddaughter then no matter what she does you will not hurt her or hit her. You come to my husband or me and we decide how to solve the problem. She is our daughter not yours. If you don't respect the boundaries you don't love me your daughter or your granddaughter and should not see us ever again. I could care less. Seriously don't mess with me if you value your life. God will forgive me of killing child abusers. So yes I am deadly serious. I do not tolerate child abusers. No excuses!!! Child abusers lives are deposable. No one on this earth deserves anything not even life. The air we breath, food and water is a blessing you do not deserve. It is a privilege to have these things. We were never garanteed life. We don't know when we will die or how long we live. It's all a gift from God. God made us. God didn't have too but he did. So we should be thankful for all we have. Abusing children is taking advantage of others and being selfish. No one will care if these people live or die. Better off the abuser dead then the children! Abuser will not hurt anymore if eliminated! We need to change America and start executing these people and hanging them on trees all the ones that harm people. No tolerance! Bring justice to the really victims.
@@michellemyers8583 "Unfortunately, what can people do?! " One thing we can do is to stop letting parents think they have any "rights" over their kid. they have no rights only responsibilities protect their kids human right to not be abused or ignored or isolated so that they may to grow into an a adult capable of making their own choices with their own free will and enjoy relationships with others without hatred or low self esteem. biological parents only advantage to parenting a kid is that they may have managed to get their chid to form a secure attachment to them in their early years .. this is no right of the parent it is for the right of the kid to lead a life not crippled with social anxiety. not even 60% of children manage to for secure attachment to their parents so by no means are parents as a group doing great at raising kids who relate in healthy ways to others. all this to say not enough parents seem to understand that biologically a human child is born less developed than most animals and we only survive as a group when parents put children's emotional and physical needs above their own and when all adults put all childrens needs above all adults needs. There definitely are things you must never say or do to your own child regardless of context and i think we should start fining or suing parents or something because too many think having a kid means you no one can judge how you behave any more .. because we literally don't! until it reaches horrific proportions
I'm 49 years of age, and it took me 48 year's to realise I wasn't the problem, I was told I'm not good at anything, what have I done with my life, etc I realised I've spent my hole life, trying to get my parents approval, then one day I woke up! Better late than never. I'm now at peace and living my life, the best thing I've ever done was to walk away....Love and peace ✌️
I'm completely on the same page as you. I'm 59 and still struggling even though I had therapy years ago. I have want to start a small business for years now and I know that my inability to believe in myself is a hangover from my father always putting me down.
@@clairedelune1431 Sorry to hear, but we are survivers! And if we're able to survive what we have both been through, then we are unbreakable! Surround yourself with positive good hearted people, that will substitute lost of family- Once you have done that, you will forget the pass and you will succeed! All the best.... Love and peace ✌️
I never figured out that my mother was narcissistic till later in my life. I feel like I was robbed of part of my life! We didn’t talk for the last 7 years before she passed. I have no regrets from walking away, I only felt relief. My question is, what made her like this? It’s sad really. She made my dad and us 6 kids lives a living hell. I vowed to raise my kids exactly the opposite and it worked, they all have confidence, compassion & are all happy with their achievements as I am. Thank you for this video, the more I see & hear, the more I know I wasn’t crazy all these years!
I am now 55 and didn't realize my mother was narcissistic until I was 50, and my husband and step-daughter brought my attention to it. When I married my ex-husband (who is also the father of my children), who was eventually diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and bi-polar, I would wonder how I ended up with him seeing as I had such an "idyllic" childhood, or so I thought at the time. Once I realized my mom was narc, things started making sense and I could start to heal a bit. I still suffer with a lot of self-esteem issues, eating disorders, body issues, etc., but it's better. I finally had the nerve to try and talk to my mom/sisters/aunt about why they cut me off, and I now realize it's because I FINALLY found who I was and found my voice.
I've read books on this. I still don't get it. Both my parents were like only siblings. They didn't talk about their childhoods much. Neither of my parents were spoiled. They might have been neglected. IDK. Best I could figure out with my mom's mom, was that my Grandmother cast a long shadow of goodness, so maybe my mom got her attention by being bad. I never have understood it. They are like serial killers: they don't feel anything for their victims. They really don't feel anything for anyone.
Yes I'm older now so coming across these videos makes me wonder what caused my parent to be this way. I loved them when I was young but when I went to live with them I ended up not knowing who I was until later in life. Many years I lived with much anger and had a hard time forgiving. Over time they have gotten worse and still deal with their manipulation. I hardly ever visited and now it's becoming less and less because of their games.
@@katyaflippinov9197 yes it's like they are numb to other people's feelings. I totally understand it took me a long time to have confidence in myself late in life. I can honestly say I'm now starting to believe in myself and have more confidence.
Australia says yes exactly the same as my mother I'm 52 years old she has stolen my children my grandchildren in way of making them hate me just like she hates me I just don't get Hey mother can do this to the children they are meant to love I have just finally been recognised having c-ptsd and I've been put on the disability pension finally after 2o years I only forget out my mother is being like this about 4 years ago and it absolutely changed my whole life Outlook and I absolutely feel like I've been robbed of my life and love in every way in my mother has made sure that I have no one loving me she's nasty still love her even though the last time I seen her four years ago she told me that I was dead to her I don't even know why is just the cruelest
Even if your parent isn't a full on NPD, they can be neglectful & abusive due to other causes like depression, substance abuse or other personality disorders that cause erratic behavior. So this is VERY helpful for a lot of people. Many parents treat their kids like a burden & are inconsistent with their affection, play siblings off each other because that's how they were raised, treat their kids like an extension of themselves or do other things that are very "narcissist-ish". And it sucks regardless of the cause.
I am in the process of parenting myself… I am 54 years old. I’ve started realizing this process in the last 7 years or so. Still working on it, sometimes it’s very tough. Both my parents were/are narcissist. Thank you for this content
@@eatpraylovetube2146 Mine just died. I mostly feel relieved that there will be no more screaming and criticicizing.My minister friend told me that it is NORMAL to feel this way after a lifetime of abuse. Going to sign cremation papers on Monday.
That's what got me out of childhood depression and misery. As a child, I would appeal to my grown-up self to save me and take care of me. I always remembered my responsibility to that child. My advice--learn a skill, go to school. Your self-esteem will grow. Best wishes.
@@glittermama please be careful about giving advice you can frustrate anyone in the USA by telling them to get a skill or go to school I've only been trying it for 40 years I've Got What I Got by scratching in this dog-eat-dog capitalist system I suggest you tell them to go where education might be free In capitalism Only the Strong Survive and that's a small number of very small number the rest of us are thrown by the wayside we do not control our government or economy
As a 50+ adult of narcissistic parents, this overview is spot on. I stepped into therapy a few years back, and it made a HUGE difference. I wish I had seen a video like this 30 years ago!
Me too!!! I struggled my entire life trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I was taught to "wear the mask" and I know how to keep up appearances. But this destroyed so much in my life. I'm thankful that now I know what happened to me. Content like this has saved me and I am healing daily.
Yes, it's brutal. Always felt like an orphan. Didn't even know my mom was a narcissist until this video, in which every single symptom matched, in fact my mom was even worse than what he described. Now I know where my depression came from.
Here’s a good one: the narcissistic mother accused her 2 grown children of being the narcissists and took it upon herself to disown them. My brother and I have had peace now for almost 3 whole months. 🤪
If u visited my mother she would roast u like a chicken. When u leave her house u will feel lower then a gophers basement. Need a step ladder to leave her house.
Fantastic! I imagine the narc will be back, and it might be advantageous to block email, calls, etc…. Why let them back in. It’s only gotten worse for me.
My folks are in their mid-70s - both narcs & stuck in a relationship that makes them miserable. I went down to see them recently & I got dragged into a row between them about money & past lies. Spoke my mind… told them that they needed to stop lying to each other, their kids (my sister lives close by to them with her family & was away on holiday) & themselves. Went home… a week later my sis WhatsApp’s me to say I ruined her holiday because when she got home all my Mum did was bitch about how I’d taken sides with my Dad & caused friction - plus a load of other shit that she brought up. I called them all individually & asked them to speak to each other about my conversation with my folks - this was difficult for me but they all ignored my request & went back to their happy bubble after a few days. I’m 52 & have been trying to fix my parents for about 30 years. A total waste of emotional energy. I’m drained. Now I’m done.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to try to help your parents for so long. Remember that you can only do so much, and it's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Sending you positive vibes.
@@DrDanielFox Did the same thing with my sister - for about 40 years. Tried to "help" her through life. Then I I came here. Found she not only manipulated me, but destroyed others financially. Went no contact. Sleeping much better and life is so peaceful now. I hope her adult kids realize it. Ty!
@@catherineshaw1122 ain’t that the truth … I saw a mother talking to her young adult son on a train and respecting his right to make an autonomous decision … it cut like a knife
@@eatpraylovetube2146 me too, the holidays are really hard and I started no-contact not more than 6 months ago so the wounds sting a lot these days...but what has helped me is sitting down, looking around and realizing that after 20 years of suffering it is the first time EVER in which no one is abusing me! No one is using me as a chess piece for their own interests!!!! I can eat, dance, go out, stay inside, wear any clothes I want without worrying about my abusive mother and family criticizing me. I never thought feeling like this could be possible, I want every single abuse survivor to experience this as well. I don't know you but the fact you're commenting and watching these videos tells me you a part inside of you loves you SO much it is craving for answers because it wants you to finally discover how stability and happiness feels like. You should listen and stick to it whenever your brain attacks you and tells you it is YOUR fault that you couldn't fix things and had to leave...that part inside of you knows it has never been your fault and is trying to show you that despite how loud your inner critic voice is, please believe it. Reparenting yourself truly helps because your inner child gets the closure, understanding and compassion they always deserved so truly, be kind with yourself! Start the day with positive affirmations to improve your self-esteem, read stories from people with similar experience to find solace, sit down and reflect on how calm the room is when they're not around and relish that, observe your memories with new, non-judgmental lenses that will give you enough facts for not wanting to be close to them again. If you have close friends, a significant other or belong to a nice community, you can tell your brain "this is my family now" and embrace it with pride, because it these are bonds YOU chose to preserve for the sole reason they value you enough to treat you nicely, like the human being with feelings that you are. You've got this, it took me 2 years to find my way out and I know the sadness and eternal sense of abandonment feels excruciating, it gets lonely and you feel like you don't belong anywhere, but I hope you can find inner peace too, I believe in you ❤️
Me too. It was actually a relief when my narcissistic mother died because I didn’t have to explain to anyone why I didn’t go to see her. My dad? He actually helped her abuse all of us. Heres a couple examples: Physically ( she busted my eardrum while beating my head i was not allowed to protect my face and body during the beatings. mentally (daily asking me who i thought i was… i was nobody, tgat id need her help one day and she would spit on me when i asked for help. I was called into the kitchen to “witness” my parents fight. And ordered to clean up the broken dishes and food on my hands and knees) emotionally (made me box up my best friend in the world my cat “kitty” and take her to the pound to get euthanized because i broke some rule. She locked my prom dress up in the trunk Of the car so i couldnt go) However, when her korean “friends” came over she would pet my head dand stroke my hair and have me recite the preamble, break out my report card and put hats on me to show my beautiful face. It was a daily psychological warfare that breaks even the strongest minds…. I am the youngest so I survived w the least amount of scars. Let me add that in reparenting myself and then letting go that I have forgiven my mother and I have forgiven my father for helping her abuse us. It was probably the best accomplishment of my life.
Retrospectively I regard my family as an extensive training program. It's been painful, disgusting, traumatizing but I extracted invaluable lessons from that whole mess -up until the point I left them to themselves.
I am so grateful I had Dad growing up with a narcissistic mother. I'm still very affected, but it terrifies me how I would've ended up with if it weren't for him, it's been hard enough. Unfortunately the heavens have since taken the wrong parent.
This is so far the best description of a narsisstic parent I have seen. One characteristic that was missed, is that parents that are consummate narcs. Set up all children to pick each other apart. Where they all destroy each other in a fight for the narcs attention. The next is, they pick a favorite that they turn into what I call the chosen monster not the Golden Child
My Mother made my brother the chosen favorite because he rejected our father in their divorce. He got new cloths, I just had to keep wearing the same old stuff. So then later in life he died of lung cancer & she gave me such a look of hatred after he died. I said, "It's not my fault he smoked." But somehow I was to blame.
Oh yes, same in my family. One of my brothers was mercilessly picked on physically and mentally in favor of the other. He cut our dad off 40 years ago.
SUGGESTED TOPIC: How children of narcissistic parents can fix their "broken picker" so that they avoid dating, marrying, and/or having children with narcissists (because, let's face it, this happens over and over and over and the cycle needs to stop or never commence).
I agree. Tired of being cautious about getting into a relationship only to find out I still chose wrong. The only thing I do right is leave a few months in when they start ramping up the disrespect.
@@kaedatiger I do understand. We are drawn to the familiar....and this is a bad to dangerous thing when you're the offspring of someone with a personality disorder. Sending you a hug~
@@le_th_ Thanks for the hug. I do love hugs. Judging by the empathy in your comment, I imagine you're at least able to attract loving, supportive, reciprocal friends. It's just too bad that dating is a different process entirely and harder to see through the games.
Great suggestion! Indeed that is what usually happens. I believe the solution is getting to know ourselves and self love. I also believe in learning how healthy relationships look and feel like. Through books, or talking to other people. I notice I put up with a lot of neglectful friends even, unsupportive, unavailable when I need them. Because it feels familiar and what I deserve.
@@MissSarahGM Yes, I can relate to what you describe. The very few times I have really needed one of my (now former) friends, they were not there. Sadly, it often took more than a decade to figure out that they weren't going to be there the one time I needed them. I also believe learning how healthy relationships look is really key. It's like we are adults who never had that behavior modeled for us and so we sort of flounder about (in our relationships) until we do find out. I'm sorry you've had to experience this in life, as well.
I was terrified to go in the house after school, never knew what to expect. I never felt ok in my own skin. Dissociating in social events as a young child. I used perfection to solidify my identity. The first time I felt normal was when I drank. Which started me on the path to alcoholism and addiction. I have separated myself emotionally. He can no longer hurt me. I'm not responsible for his shitty behavior and was never responsible as a child. But it left wounds in me. I suffer from severe social anxiety, shame, ruminating, dissociation during stress. I have dermatophagia. I don't feel an identity. Alcoholism and addiction. You were spot on. Basically described my entire childhood to a T. I could go into so many details. Would be more than willing to tell you my story.
@@DrDanielFox thank you friend. The truth is I wouldn't change anything probably. I like who I am, my experiences given me perspective i wouldn't have otherwise. And it is my journey now. Instead of living someone else's journey.
So sorry! I felt the after school dread too!! My brother as well, he went down the addiction paths.....he took his own life 2 years ago after a period of sobriety! I blame our mom. I wish you love & light with your addiction, please know that you are worthy, and reach out for help if you need too.
@@mali-c8g your exactly right, when I hear how some people have a bad life I think to myself I don't know what that's like but I bet they wouldn't choose my life over their own. The comment about not doing it different is proof of the maturity of the individual and their success as a well balanced person.👍🙏🔥💪
The fact that this video has 1.5 million views is very telling. Peace, light & love to all you beautiful people out there. You are worth it & your experiences are validated ❤️
In my situation, I had to totally disconnect from my biological family. I can honestly say my mother never really acted like my mother. I remember on only 2 occasions which she was ever civil to me. I was the emotional punching bag. My father would join in. My sister, when she became aware of what was going on, joined the "fun". I now live 1600 miles away and have been away for the last 35 years. The pain is still there, and I still grapple with it. I was told I was a nothing, a worthless burden, and a liability because of a chronic illness. In order to save yourself and your own mental health, it is necessary to escape this continual trauma, pain, and hurt.... And I did just that.
@@beataannanowak659 moving 1000 miles away w no contact helps. If you harm yourself your parents could use it to get attention. Don't give them that. Fully own your life
My mother has NPD and I have been her favorite target for 52 years. The manipulations, the deflections, the guilt trips, the lies, and the attempts to control have been a living hell. I love my mother but I don't like her. I've spent years keeping her at a distance for my own mental health.
Same age. Same situation. Went no contact 2 yrs. ago. Everyday away from my mother and father is a blessing. Step by step I climb the mountain. Sending loving kindness.
And I think I'm so used to being told what i needed to do (which changed all the time and was unstable) that I don't know how to determine my core values or what I really want or like.
my parents always told me what to do, what to study, what job i should apply for etc. Until i was diagnosed with depression from doing things just for the sake of my parents approval. Now im slowly trying to get in touch with my true self and stand firm with all of my personal decisions despite the continuing abuse. I just cant let them control my life anymore. I hope we all can get through this.
My childhood explained, thank you so much for this video! What I did to heal from my narcissistic mother? I cut the contact completely when I was 15 and engaged into therapy in my early 20s. Unfortunately she did her smear campaigns 20 years ago and succeded, so my whole family is still believing that I was the problem and they still don‘t want any contact. A lot of positive friendships helped me through that time and now I managed to be succesful and one of the best in my profession and most important: I know myselfs worth. You can absolutely heal from a narcissistic parent, engage in therapy, try to work hard on that and be patient with yourself.
I had to do the same! Cut contact but made the mistake of going back every time she was in crisis. It always ended in disaster and i have become very separated from my family because of my dysfunction. It was a sad reality when i came to realize that my mother never really loved me. The times away from her have always been a time of peace for me and my family. And even though it took 60 years to figure it out, i am glad i finally know the truth so that i can move on. I hope the same for you and all in the same boat.
I started doing "Me" when I was 15 years old and left home. At 25, I moved half way across the country. (my mother was jealous of that.) I became a top achiever in everything that I attempted. I've been a leader in different groups, classes, and organizations. I have no doubt about what a good person I am, and the things I'm able to achieve. I raised my own three children to like themselves, be creative/inventive, and have good ethics and morals. I made sure I hugged them and kissed them a lot (the opposite of my childhood.) I'm always telling them I love them. They are all three wonderful adults. But I have to say... I still feel sad about never being able to be close to my mother, as her daughter. I'm not sure what would ever fix that now, now that she's not here. And honestly, I don't think she would have ever agreed to fix our relationship even if she was here. She was still be narcissistic when she passed away.
Nice job. We all wish to turn lemons into lemonade you did that. I still deal with what I call the FAMILY LEGACY. Its hard to watch but sadly, many refuse to even see it. You can't fix what you won't acknowledge...You are blessed.
If she would be around she would beat you down to your kids and tell them not to listen to you, and try to get their love and respect to get to you. They are evil. You did good to keep her away.
Mine died at 93 and my 30-year-old son told me all the nasty things she would say about me to get him to love her as a mother instead of me. She was a jealous, petty, insecure, gossiping, lying, manipulating, envious, jealous uneducated third grader that had a grandiose sense of self and thought she could be a better politician than Killery Klinton.
Kathlyn Black, I was sad for my mother because she didn't love us like I did my kids. She missed out on so much. She's 91 now and less narcissistic with aging - memory loss. I bake her gluten free cookies to help her stay regular and visit with her.
It took me a very very long time before I realised that my mother was a narcissist. A ‘childhood’ for me was spent doing anything I could to have her tell me she loved me, to have her smile at me, to have her hug me or hold my hand. I walked away from her after 42 years and it was then that I learned how wonderful it was not to be living with negativity. It’s taken me another 20 years to analyse, forgive and step forward. What a fantastic life it is because now I do not tolerate what I did for far too many years. I have very few friends because I speak out, people in the main cannot handle honesty and so, I walk away. I choose who I friend. I have 2 wonderful friends and a wonderful husband. My life is now rich and loving 💚
friends are so over rated, Facebook ruined us LOL it makes no sense to have tons of friends, because in my opinion a true friend is nearby and involved with your life on a regular basis, not some digital feedback.
You are describing my life. They didn’t care about my grades, they cared about my appearance and controlled me. My father had expectations and I failed them every time. He would scream the house down about anything. Christ.
Hi, both my parents were narcissistic, my father is recently decreased, what I find most curious now is how their narcissistic energy fuelled one another, they were almost competitive in their cruelty towards us, v sick. I don't recall ever feeling safe and secure as a child.
I was told not to focus on my looks - no makeup as a teen, no fancy clothes. I was told that was because my mother said that her mother focused on that so much and made her dress that way, hair in Shirley Temple curls, etc. In retrospect, however, my mother always looked nice. Not overly put together like she said her mother made her do, but very nice. My friends always said my mother was so beautiful/pretty, but I was never supposed to do that. When I dropped out of college she was upset at first, but then I met a young man who she adored. After two years I decided to return to college, but in a part of the country she disapproved of, and she was not at all happy. Even when I graduated she didn't seem happy at my graduation. She was never happy for me (marriage, etc.) unless she approved.
It sounds like you had a complex relationship with your mother. It can be difficult when our loved ones don't show support and approval in the way we hope for. Remember to focus on your own happiness and achievements, regardless of others' opinions.
My dad didn’t show “love” through material things, he’s actually been scamming money from my sisters and I since we were little, but what he did instead was take us on trips, do activities (that HE wanted to do, didn’t care what I wanted). When I confronted him about how he treated me growing up he said “kids tend to remember things wrong. We had a great time together, we did so many fun things you had a great childhood” That’s just super sad he thinks I had a great childhood, shows how disconnected he really is from me. My childhood was spent empty and disconnected. And I’m starting to understand why it was like that
i get the same B.S from my dad ' i took tou on holidays etc you had a happy childhood you just dont remember it right ' my life was a living hell and he still likes to stick his fingrers in my unhealed wounds, i have a crystal clear long term memory going back to the age of one i KNOW i never got any love off either parent ever !
I wish these videos had been available 30 years ago! My siblings and I learned to call each other after talking with our mother. The lies our mother told to manipulate us were very painful until we figured out to call each other immediately after a call from her. She became very angry when she couldn’t divide and manipulate us. It made the lies get bigger. We never told her of our strategy for combating her lies and manipulation. You do not confront a narcissist! The hell you pay isn’t worth it! Just let them believe they are manipulating a situation and somehow it just didn’t work. Yes, it is its own form of manipulation, but it was all we could think to do.
@@mingmong007 I am so sorry! One of my siblings and I had to go to a counselor to figure out some of the bad dynamics going on between us. Is there any chance your sibling would do this? 💕
God this is so validating. My mother is exactly like this, I was even saying to a friend at the weekend that I feel like I can't say she's abusive because she bought me stuff but that's part of it. Thank you so much.
Yes! This! The love bombing here and there would have me doubting my own pain at all of the abuse and neglect the rest of the time. It helps a lot to hear that others went through this and understand.
No love just stuff! I went through the same thing. It was extra confusing. My mom would do things for me but take things away in a heartbeat. Everything was always business like instead of love.
It took me so long for me to realize that my mother is a narcissist. I can relate to everything he mentioned in this video. The most terrible thing to me was growing up with a narcissist mother and (two) abusive stepfathers. I cut contact with my mother 2 years ago and I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time and am finally seeking to get better.
I have always tried to get away from my parents, so 1.5 years ago at the age of 19 I moved across the globe to get away and cut nearly all ties. Best thing I have ever done as I get to heal now.
Exactly. Now you can heal. Same for me, but it took me until my 40’s, that’s how incredibly masterful she was at convincing everyone, including me, that the problem was me! It’s a painful, grieving process to lose connection with your mom, but unfortunately necessary. Sometimes we’re just not able to have a mother like we should
You described my narcissistic mother to the letter. She is now out of my life for good and now at 50 I am starting to live the life that I want to live, one step at a time. All I ever wanted was to be loved and told that I was and that I am enough.
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I think the saddest part of having a narcissistic parent is that you never get the chance to be the son or daughter that you would have wanted to be. They make it an impossibility, and thus rob you of that relationship. Sad. All you can do is accept it and detach emotionally. They don’t notice anyway.
💯💯💯 that is my heartbreak! I went back and tried working for my parents as an adult because of this exact void - pain in my heart and it was a total black hole nightmare. You just have to accept that this is the hand you’ve been dealt.
Wanted to be? I wanted to be the son that my parents would love. I should have had a childhood and adulthood that didn’t have toxic and dysfunctional parents. I am grieving the loss of the childhood and adulthood I should have had.
It's like being born to a reptile
Dead right!
Yes they DO notice until disinheriting you even as the single child.
Spot on growing up was a very lonely place..being a child of a narcissist is like being an orphan
100%
Exactly….”it’s like being an orphan”
My heart goes out to you and other children suffering this way
Actually, as a 7 year old, I would wish to become an orphan. I hated my life with my parents. Seemed better to take a chance at something I knew could be bad, Vs staying in something that was me essentially willfully suffocating myself in order to live with my parents.
I was an orphan who was adopted by a N mother! Why couldn't another family have picked me
I really, really, really needed to hear the bit about “narcissists don’t breed narcissists”. My biggest fear is accidentally treating others the way I was treated growing up
The fact that you fear hurting others like that immediately shows that aren’t like that. I had the same fear too, but my therapist made me realise this. Narcissists don’t fear treating anyone badly because they are so involved with themselves that they often don’t even acknowledge others’ feelings in the first place.
Me too. 33 years old & All through saying..... why do I hurt the people I care about? This thought terrifies me.
I wouldn't say my mother is a narcissist but for whatever reason I was not loved the way I should have been. I didn't have that foundation of security and support and encouragement. Which led to a ton of insecurities.
The only time I'm really able to connect with other humans is if I take Adderall or MDMA. I thought Adderall was a miracle pill the first day I tried it. Within 6 months I had a gf, a car, a job, I moved out of my parents, had an apartment. Got really lean and had energy all day. I would often study for hours without taking a break for anything.
Hard to believe some people are like that naturally
me. now. but no true narc will admit it
me too (hugs)
It’s a deep hole in your soul, and even as an adult you’re constantly struggling with the brokenness and after effects that come from growing up in an abusive environment
And nobody understand or believe you. At best, they encourage you to forgive, not knowing that you may already have forgiven or done tons of therapy. But the void is still there, it takes a life to undo a deep rooted damage
@barbarav4046 how can you forgive when they do not believe they did anything wrong or have rewritten the past in their own mind. Can forgiveness be found?
@@hopehunter8237 Sorry, I've just seen your comment. In my case, I managed to forgive by thinking my family were victims themselves, although obviously this doesn't justify their behavior. I'm still struggling to create boundaries (I hardly knew what they were), but I know I must enforce them and, above all, make sure they are respected. I can't change my family, I have a right though to live my life on my terms and not theirs.
It's hell
The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem. The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both. The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.👍
Written very absolutely well said. Thank you I am a child of father who is a narcissistic parent and I was raised by him majoring of my up bringing. I do so many self sabotaging behaviors and have bpd which I have learned throughout the years you develop this in your one to fourish years of your child life of extreme neglect and abuse. I have suffered majority of my life not ever understanding why I can never met my fathers expectations, I have been recently discovering that my fathers expectations are way too high for anyone in the world to ever be able to meet. I was physically mentally and sexually abused in child from my father mostly very verbally abused and that has stuck with me to this current day it’s so very hurtful and it hurts and kills your heart soul and spirit!
Thanks for you sharing I appreciate your writing your thoughts and opinions on this subject it needs to be talked about so very much more
@@jojowojcik6736
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself
Your experience sounds almost identical to mine and countless others...
Hold on to Hope and seek Truth ♥️ and 🙏🏻
@@jojowojcik6736 thank you for sharing your experience. Others and myself had similar experiences. I am sending you a big hug ❤🤗
I was a high achiever in grade school, like top 3 in my class. It was because I was told I'd be punished if I wasn't. My mom got so involved come parent interview time that there were lingerings that all the teachers each year hated her.
At my grad in the 8th grade, I had second highest marks (average), and didn't win a single award. I saw multiple awards given to the 1st place student, as well as the 3rd and 4th, 5th place students. It was a definite **** you to my mom. My teachers I guess were almost just as rotten as to not separate me from her.
In any case, at the parent / child post ceremony party same night, I was hanging with the few friends I had for maybe less than 10 minutes. She grabbed me and said we were going home because it wasn't fair I didn't win anything. She ruined MY night, because she was offended I didn't win something. Just rotten, despicable behavior.
For me, living with a narcissistic parent is like being a trophy. They brag about you to anyone that'll listen but no one ever goes up to the trophy and says "good job!"
I was an overachiever when I was younger because I loved when my mom praised me to other people. When they would leave tho I was criticized and bullied. I would try harder and harder until finally I stopped trying at all.
I have been there. I was an object (of praise and criticism) because I think they didn't relate to people on an emotional level. When I didn't behave like an obedient, passive collectible on the shelf, I was met with wrath.
They can just put their “trophy” (child) back up on the shelf when they’re “displeasing.”
Yes!!! I told them what good is it to brag to others but never take the time to care about my well-being? It's a selfish move and is only about the parent and not about the child.
@Fiona I have met so many parents who just start bragging about their child in our 1st or 2nd chats. I don’t do that , so I start to wonder am I not normal or it’s they are acting strange .
i simply left my parents, went abroad, started everything new...wasn`t all easy but best thing i ve ever done
same
HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!
May I ask how much money you had saved to start independently abroad? If you feel comfortable answering....
Wow good for you...I am dreaming of being able to live in another country...I can't stand the trauma...:-(
I moved to the other side of the country. I also had to go no contact with my sisters. I knew on some level that this family would torture me for the rest of my life if I didn’t. I finally have some peace and live in the present. Thank you Jesus!! 💖
I’m 45 years old and have battled with my narc mother my entire life. I moved away when I had children, 3000 miles away so she could not manipulate them as she does with everyone. 17 years pass. I let my guard down only to have me and my kids love bombed and then disguarded for absolutely no reason at all. Don’t ever drop your guard with a narcissist no matter how badly you crave a loving relationship with a parent it will only lead to more suffering. It’s a terrible mistake to ever think they will change
I let my guard down, I thought my dad was interested turned out he was just hammered wasted by 11:00am.
I have struggled with my self esteem ever since being raised with a narcissistic father. Even after his passing I still struggle, I know I was not the best father but I still have to really focus on not letting my issues bubble out, espeally withgrand children, from the abuse my father poured out and into me, as a child. Thank you for your vids. They really help me see how bad my father was, I realize he was only reacting to his childhood up bringing, knew his father (my grand father) and he was pretty harsh and abusive also. one dimension of narcissism I have not seen addressed is how narcisstic parents abuse in spiritual ways, and how that affects families. My father would belittle and make his family confess all sins or thoughts , then he would interpret their sins and make us apologize to him as the FATHER, then he would apply punishment s for confession, bringing up every sin confessed for future belittlement. And corporal punishment by physical beating or starvation, or destroying anything personal you had all the while making us endure hours of lecture and beating his interpretation of bible verses, all the while making us confess any thought word or deed then the cycle would repeat. The whole house hold had to cater to his every demand, if we did not smile and just do it, it was viewed as some egregious violation, no was not allowed. is there a religious narcissism or do narcissistic people use religion to feed the sickness.
I did that, too. Move away as far as possible and go NO CONTACT. Even before I knew what a narcissist was. I just hated her manipulative distructive selfish ways. Thank God I had a good example of a mother in my grand mother on the fathers side. I had something to compare her with. A loving grandmother.
@@timewert7558 that is a sadistic hell you grew up in.
I also am raising my children 3,000 miles away.
It was never about my accomplishments, always about my failures.
Try to resist the urge to internalize this type of critique and instead encourage yourself to recognize your own strengths and accomplishments. I wish you well
@@DrDanielFox Thank you. x
Same here
@@sherlock7687 same
"Don't upset that narcissistic parent." Wow. This man just summed up my entire life.
Mine too!
Exactly right
Oh my God walked on eggshells my entire life!
I didn't dare just walk up to my dad and ask for something.
Same. Has created anxiety over time.
They hate you because they can't break you.
TRUE!
Everything I ever accomplished, they told me I couldn't, and I took that as inspiration to prove them wrong
@@tuesdayskittens True!
Very true parents and ex husband are still trying.
...Or, they can't BE you!!!
i grew up in a dysfunctional household with two narcissistic parents. the amount of jealousy, violence, poverty and just overall chaos that me and my siblings had to endure will haunt me forever.
Omg!! I can't even imagine having not one but BOTH narcissistic parents!! I grew up with a narc mother and it was toxic! She discarded me at 17 kicked me out because she realized she couldn't break me and get me to fall in line. Was the BEST thing that happened to me. So glad to have gotten away from her!! I started my healing years ago. Seek God 🙏🏽 peace and blessings
So sorry that you had to endure that. Hope the haunting fades.
I feel you. For me, what makes it even worse is that nobody from the outside understand or indeed believe you. The sense of loneliness is unbearable at times
Me too! And my 3 siblings were all narcs as well. I make it a point to be mindful I don’t end up a narc. It is a life full of pain and suffering. I have very little contact with all of them.
I understand you. You can break free from that
One of the hardest things to live with is that nobody believes you when you tell them how your parents treat you...Narcissistic parents can hide it so well when anyone outside the family is around...and those critic's dr fox talks about in the back of your head is exactly right...If I could get them out of my head it would be the biggest relief...
Oh so true! Only my cousin who learned this just a few years ago what my parent truly is. They said that's not the same one I remember.
She also stated too what she went through with one of her parents which I was in shock.
One of the images of my mother that I'll never forget is of her standing on the lawn making sure the curtains hung perfectly for anyone that may be passing by. I'm serious.
Yesssssss
I had narcisitic parents
If someone gave me half a million dollar
I would move out
@@Traumatised311 why half-a-million? How about just enough to move out. Maybe find a relative or a friend that you can move in with.
It’s amazing how personality disorders in parents foster personality disorders in their children. It’s a vicious cycle.
I got diagnosed with BPD. It sucks to be the one labelled with a mental illness when my parent didn’t. Narcissists never get diagnosed.
I’m afraid to have any child atm. I don’t want another living being felt miserable because of what I do reflects what my narc mother did to me..
My youngest is showing traits of bpd, I'm doing everything I can to help.
@@alizlovescherry Had I known narcissism and BPD and its manifestations in my family of origin and my ex, I would have chosen the no children road too. I feel guilty for my child having to deal with this. I would have let the pain stop right with me, no more spreading pain to future generations
I’m thankful I’m aware
My mom hides her narcissism at such an expert level, I have always been labelled a ungrateful and rude son all my life. She's the most delightful, generous and selfless person to everyone, but at home and behind closed doors, my dad, helper and I bears the full force of her negativity. Moved out 5 years ago and it was the best decision of my life, however my wife and I just had a baby boy 2 months ago, and she is encroaching back into our lives once again. Can't have my son grow up the way I did.
Don’t go back. Raise your son your way, let the narcissists have NO impact on you or your son. You know it may take a lifetime for your son to recover. Love and Peace 💚
Good luck with that. I made the mistake of letting mine back in and they turned my kids against me. Always buying their love and affection. My youngest saw it for herself...she knows...
It's amazing how good they are at hiding their behavior. I always wondered how come my mother could have so many friends. They all knew at least a little of the things she was doing to me, but very few acknowledged it.
STand firm against your mother. If she can get to your son in any way, she will have two victims. Your son, and by extension you. Your son will feel that he has to protect you from her by doing her will, and you will feel the same.
And... nobody needs that roller coaster of good and bad. No one needs to learn the skill of loving a person for a few rare moments of goodness.
My father is the same way. Pillar of the community, everyone's friend, EVERYBODY loves him and thinks he's just the greatest guy . He's charming, friendly, jovial and comes off as an all around good man. He was a terrifying monster behind closed doors. I've cut him off for good, he will never meet or know my children and I will rejoice the day I get the phone call he is dead. I hate Narcissists with a passion, they are a total two-faced, toxic waste of perfectly good oxygen. My son deserves better. Better to have no grandparent than a bad/narcisstic grandparent.
Trying to be good enough for just a few moments of their love. That's right. That's so true. We should be good enough to be loved as we are. It shouldn't depend on doing something. Thank you!
At age 48, I started therapy. At age 50, I cut off my toxic parents, two siblings and a grandmother with a few family members!! That decision has radically changed my life for the better!!!😊😊😊
Congratulations.
I am 42 now, don’t know how to cut though I am doing job
I made the realization at 55 and went no contact soon after. Best decision I ever made. What's amazing is I frequently remember the crap he pulled that I long since forgot. Good for you.
@@Shivjiiiiiiiii Just Do It
You got to the age of fifty, at least.
I was raised this way but even worse. I found myself becoming this way with my children. I had to go do the work and change.
Good for you ❤️
Proud of you
Me too! Its my anger thats causing issues. Still working on it but managing better :)
Something that helps me is I put my anger where it belongs . Usually I’m anger or upset at an adult in my life and not my children so when o find myself taking my anger out on them I remember this energy is not for them.
The noise in your head... if I would've loved my mother enough I would've became a good person. Spot on!
My father just passed away in September. I never understood why he treated me so bad until now. I realize that he was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat child. I know it sounds funny but I feel more relief than sorrow at his passing. At age 62, I'm starting to immerse myself in my creative passions. I now Feel Like Anything is Possible!
Great comment. Thanks 😊
Blessings!!!!😍
My therapist has recommended I go no contact with my 82 year old Narc father. The relief I felt washed over me when she said this and I’m now sleeping better than I ever have in my life. It’s been painful but facing the truth is like having a Boulder removed from my shoulders.
My narcissistic father died when I was 49, and my life began. I’ve also totally thrown myself into my creativity. It was like reading something I’ve written when I read what you wrote!…. I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden haired child. I think out of it all, I have tremendous determination, and push, to do what I set out to do. I just have to watch my self sabotage, and rein it in when I realise what’s happening. All the very best to you. Big hugs. 💕
@Krishna Patel Oh my….this is one of the saddest comments I’ve read today. I am so sorry you feel that way. We should never feel as though we NEED anyone like that. Although I do understand. There have been many times when I don’t know what would become of me if I were alone. But, at the same time, if I had stayed single l, instead of sticking with my ex husband, I might not have all the issues I now have 🤷♀️ He did a number on me, was married to him for 17 years.
The next relationship messed me up raven more, but I will refrain from going into detail about that. That is a story for another day and maybe not told to the public at all. I am going through a lot right now due to having PTSD and it activated shortly after my current BF and I got together. I am so reactive, although I believe I am doing much better….but I am still not well.
It is sensible to have a partner, best friend, lover, supporter, encourager, teacher, understanding, decisive, person (hopefully their skill set is unique compared to yours) to me, that is a soul mate and life partner really is.
In the beginning, the chemistry you feel when you kiss them or the first time you make love, you have such a deep feeling of connectedness, like you’ve never felt before. It was so captivating and left me longing for more. Then, I did you not! Every single time we made love after thaThat is a soul mate. I feel like I have finally met him, just the big man upstairs has a devilishly sick sense of humor! We trigger the f**k out of each other!
We might not make it, because I believe we both have the same core issues but handle in completely different ways--and the way we handle them trigger each other too. 💔. This is how we learned about attachment styles. I am normally a secure attachment. Being with him, his attachment style was Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant, leaning DA (Dismissive Avoidant). So he like to take off. Me, my attachment style wish hi is FA leaning Anxious attachment style. He tiggers my core abandonment issues, for some reason.
Sorry this comment got so wordy! This is how my trauma brain works lately…. I don’t know what to do as bout that yet!
Any tips and/or help snd/advice would be greatly appreciated.
I was blown away by the reality that my mother was jealous of me. It took me 54 years to go no contact. I stopped needing / wanting her approval, acceptance, understanding and love. I was done! 8 years on I live happy joyous and free from issues and drama and stresses created by my narc mother.
These are hard choices and realizations. Be well.
Dear Bronwyn…you have taken the exact words I have always wanted to say out of my mouth….
I was blown away too at her constant, unrelenting jealousy…my God, even jealous over a new pair of stockings…or lip liner…
She’d rant about it and bitch for hours….it got me down so much…I’m 52 ..only now, as recently as a few weeks ago I finally broke..
It’s taken all these years….but now I know I’m done….I look forward to a happier, calmer more positive life….
When I stopped trying to please her and moved her toxicity out of my life. I became free!!!!
My liberation didn’t arrive TIL 5 years after she died because up until then I didn’t realize *how* not-normal my life had been. I had a vague idea, but not with any clarity. A lot of wonderful adults in my life went as far as they dared in offering reprieve and validation. In the 50s and 60s, the social rule forbade active intervention unless the child was visibly battered, so the people aware of something not right had to be careful and creative. I’m inexpressibly grateful to them; I doubt I would have lived to see my 16th birthday if not for them.
My mother is jealous if me too. 🥺
Wow, I felt this. My mother tried her best to destroy my confidence ever since I was a teen, telling me in detail how every part of my young body was disgusting & that I was ugly. It was only after leaving home I realised she was just a nasty, toxic, jealous, narc & always will be.
That genuinely breaks my heart. I hope you're doing better now.
My mom started as soon as I could walk!
I could relate strongly with the song, "Hell is for Children" by Pat Benatar!
Same here, my mother ruined my confidence to the core she used to cry every day and used to put pressure on me for my marriage when i was not ready , her negativity put me into depression for 15 years, all these 15 years i just lived my life like a robot goto office work like a dog and earn money and give to my mother after taking money she used to make me feel that i am useless person in this world as i am not getting married
You are beautiful😍🤴. Get friends and a mentor
My father is a narcissist. I cut him off a long time ago. That enabled me to recognize my husbands mother as a narcissist. The lies. The inflated ego.The never good enough. The victim playing. We cut her off too. I refuse to have narcissistic grandparents around my children. We are very happy without them.
Bravo! Proud of you for protecting your children from those demons! Wish there were more moms like you.
@@Nitya-r86 Some people have children at a younger age and are not aware of family dynamics and narcissism until much later in life.
How did I deal with my narcissistic father? I haven't spoken to him in 20 years. The best 20 years of my life. I hear he just lays in bed all day and no one visits him. I don't want to expose my kids to that monster. Oh, my father would love to play mind games with my kids and make himself feel superior while enjoy seeing their pain.
@@haiminh4263 Perhaps he has changed? Could you visit him by yourself? He is still your father, after all.
@@joolspools777 You are a kind person. I heard he has not changed. He has used and abused me so much. I have no regrets. It only takes one person to damage an entire family.
I cut ties with my narcissistic father. I finally came to understand that he doesn’t really “love” me because he can’t love himself. I give myself what I need. There is tremendous peace being away from the trauma and drama.
I here you 💖
I am literally a few hours away from attempting to do this - cutting off my Narcissistic Father. I feel like I'm trapped under a rock, and I'm preparing to cut my arm off. Really needed to see this comment. Thanks for sharing.
@@williamkeith798 Hope it went well, Will.
I am currently on low-contact with my dad, and it feels really strange going from a conversation with my friends where everyone considers each other as equal, to a conversation with him where he basically just talks over and belittles me.
@@orbis17 it's been really tough. I'm learning about the term 'Enmeshment', and that's definitely descriptive of mine and his relationship. It's been the most empowering step of my life, but also the hardest. Good for you for having boundaries set up, and thank you for the kind words. We've gotta surround ourselves with people who give, not just take.
If you don’t know what a narcissist is, and you have one as a parent - you’ll grow up and marry one. 🤦🏼♀️
Yep. Unfortunately true.
Lmao I married two and didn’t realize until I had my own son
I didn't know, but my husband is amazing.
This.
True words. My brother's ex has classic NPD, my ex has narc traits. I think both of our parents have narc traits. Mom more so than Dad. It's hard to tell, I'm not objective, I adored my dad, he was the sun, moon and stars. When he died, my mom, brother and I were crushed.
Biggest difference is my dad was so emotional, very expressive, supportive, encouraging, affectionate. But he also had a really bad temper. He went into these scary, angry rages. When you're a kid - and your dad is really unpredictable like that - it's scary! I HATED being yelled at - it terrified me. So he didn't yell at me. Didn't really yell at my brother much. It was mostly at my mom. Verbal abuse.
My mom has covert traits for sure. She gaslights, manipulates, is really judgemental, very ego-centric, bullies, hyper-critical, and lacks empathy. I don't remember her being as bad as she is now when my dad was alive but then again - my dad was like AWESOME supply for her. He took care of EVERYTHING. So she's probably in withdrawal. I am not a good source of supply lately. I done being triggered. I have this amazing woman as a peer support who has helped me change my perception so I can see the world differently.
Instead of being angry and irritable all the time I'm letting stuff go. Part of that was a change in my ADHD meds. The other part was seeing what my parents went through as kids - knowing that they meant well, they never meant to hurt us, it just happened. They actually tried too hard.
Also, if my mom needs help, I get off my butt and help her. I ain't doing a dang that is SO important it can't wait, lol. And she's like a 5-yr-old, if she wants something, she wants it NOW. I think all older people get like that. She's almost 85, and since my dad passed in early 2019, her previous SUPER-HIGH anxiety went into space orbit. I've told her quite a few times now to just..... go sit down and chill.
Unfortunately I inherited that anxiety. I think I manage it better. Or, well, I mask it better.
I'm so grateful to read everyone's comments because I felt so alone for so many years in trying to deal with my narcissistic mother. I feel that all you are my true sisters and brothers. We have faced the truth about our parent(s) and are being set free to become our authentic selves.
🙌
Amen.
Much courage to you madam. Indeed like you state, it is heartwarming to know you're not the only one in those matters.
Me too 🤗🌞🌻
I am damaged. One of my brother's is golden boy which miffs me off. One brother lives a long way. I have always been afraid of our parent so I grovel and am treated worse. I dare not even say who the parent is. I married a someone with the same personality it was disastrous for me but I am wiser now. I hope you are wiser now because of your unfortunate experience 💜💜💜 purple is for bravery
When I was a teenager I started to stand up against my narcissistic mother, she always went insane. My dad had to tell me, "don't upset your mother". I essentially became both a lamb and a bit of a loner
Omg sounds like my
DAd to this day..
Undying Love 💘
This hit deep. Felt like I was living 5 different lives half of the time trying to console an anxious mom (who was projecting her anxieties at me) and stay safe from a emotional brick wall dad
@@RL-jj4ec I'm sorry to hear that, even though it is a burden to deal with when they are alive, it must still be hard to lose a family member. Good luck with the healing process for you and your family
@@scarlettstott7570 thank u
I learned that your dad enabling your narcissistic mother and trauma bonding with the child, also makes them an abuser. You never realize however because you can put them on a pedestal for being the less abusive parent.
I will never understand why she gave me life, just to crush it with her own bare hands.
I feel the same way... I ask myself why am I here, why did they have me? They just ruined my childhood, traumatised me and here I am now as an adult trying to fix the damage and suffer trying to function in this world.. I didn't ask for this bs... but I'm trying
I don't think they know how to be any different because they need healing. Regardless of your parents..and I'm not dismissing how you feel in any way..the Bible says that while you were in your mother's womb he knew you..and knit you together. Psalm 139.
Personally, I have done and still continue to heal not apart from God but by having him in my life. He is the one that knows us completely and loves us the most. It is not always easy to believe this on a heart level but I believe if we come to that place of really knowing that we will be have so much more peace and love, trusting him more and more.
@@RedPillsAreGood Welcome to the club, the important thing is to accept yourself where you are and know where you are going in the process, so eventually you will be able to love those who have harmed you and empathize with those of similar trauma.that you will no longer resort to blame others for your life.
Thereby remaining in the victim state of being. But rather start accepting and forgiving and become victorious as those offenses that once bound you are now the stepping Stones that create a pathway to a higher state of being.
Much love friend
I'm sorry. My father is a big selfish angry child who never shows up for me. He wants to see what he can get. He feels I owe him something. He never was a dad. My mom spent all her time catering to him and his bs. As a result I grew up alone. As an only kid. I just disappeared and never reappeared. It's isolating but at least the pandemic didn't shake me it's just my every day life. I hate his drama. My mom remarried but that guy is no better. Still alone.
You can rebuild tho dont give them the power.
In my experience, confusion is always a symptom of being gaslit by a narcissistic and/or psychopathic individual.
Omggg….one sentence and you explained it all!!!! Thing is, even though I have finally figured it out and am certain beyond a reasonable doubt that mother is narcissistic and destroyed all relationships with my dad’s family and with the community. I was confused till 60 years old. I had gotten out of the house by 21. Of course also confused about everyone I came in contact with. I was too opened and trusting …. now
I’m exhausted…with no boundaries and discernment I have been battered by life.
I went back and read my journal from my adolescence. I didn't write it that way but it was so clear how I so confused all the time. I had no idea I was so confused but it was obvious going back and reading it.
I have never felt so understood in my entire life.
I’m so glad you found the video helpful. Be well.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother was torture. I'm 55 and still deal with the emotional trauma she caused.
Louanne, I’m right there with you. I’m 68 and still dealing. I’ve spent my whole life on a yo-yo of healing and growing up, then regressing to an unloved, unworthy, needy child. I’m going back to therapy after yet another late-breaking trauma. Hang in there Sis. Sending hugs.
Well don't be stupid like me. I kept going around till 4days before Christmas. I had to go "no contact" with my mom. She's going to live forever, so it was up to me to go away.
I don't hate anyone, I just want to be me again. Thank you Jesus Christ for helping me.
Im 58 and my narcissist mother lives in my home. Im a sucker. She will outlive me, frequently bringing up that she's soooo healthy. I deeply resent her.
@@gail9566 MOVE HER OUT.. .IMMEDIATELY!!!! She manipulated u to get into your home... Trust me. My mother moved in and was such a terror ( while I was big with a difficult pregnancy), I put her worthless ass out. Found out later she was calling all of the relatives and running me down WHILE IN MY HOME. What a piece of work.
@@phyllis9750 my mom did the same. I had to sit her down several times to chat with her about being negative about my 16 year old son and I to her church friends. She wrote a Christmas letter to her friends and the family and cut us down in the middle of it. I was super angry about it.
Had to cut my mother off for her behavior. It's so hard because I'm so used to feeding off her approval and our trauma bonding. I feel so alone most days but it's better than the constant roller coaster of life that I was experiencing with her around.
Wow. It's great to hear that you were able to see your value and prioritize your worth and cut her off as a result of her own behavior. I understand the desire to feed off approval... it's your mom. So hard to get beyond desiring that connection and always hoping the approval and support was there for you. That loneliness feeling is extra tough, feels different in some way when you can't count on your parent to be there for you.
Proud of you!!
I went no contact with my narc family . My health has improved and I'm feeling stronger every day. I've surrounded myself with healthy supportive people who actually care. Best decision of my life.
It is so hard to go no contact, it is so very difficult but as you said, it beats the constant walking on eggshells, roller coaster feeling. Sending a supportive hug.
@Tessa Shaw I am 54 and married, also no children as I did not want to perpetuate the cycle. Recently went no contact with both parents when they finally, finally crossed a line with me, and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sending you a hug.
I relate to this 100%. Brought me to tears. I always felt so alone and crazy. My mother really made me believe I was always the problem. When it really was her. I was a child. She was the adult.
Yes, I can relate to what you are saying...
At least/unfortunantly I didn't kil my dad.. Things probably had gone better though, if I had. Pretty far out realisation..
Me too
That struck a chord with me, too.
I struggle daily because of my mother .
The most terrible about having a narcissistic parent is that you still love them no matter what.. that you wish them to love you back just as much as you love them, even though you know it is impossible.
Only up to a certain point
love only withstands so much
Mine was just the opposite. I can remember as a very small child with my mother on her knees in front of me, begging me to tell her I loved her. Please, please, tell me you love me. Even at that age, I just couldn't say the words. I understand how much she needed to hear that, but I knew it would have been a lie.
But know that the reason you love them is because you have a heart... Even though they do not.
I despised my narcissistic mother my entire life - I'm 70 now. I had no love in me for her - ever.
I used to always have a friend with me as a kid because my mom would consistently act so much nicer and thoughtful around them. It became my hack for existing in my childhood.
I just worked at the riding stables down the road, to escape weekends trapped with Mother.😏
My parents fought like cats and dogs unless around others so i did this too... my best friend was always at my house
I just hung out at all my friends houses with their parents.
@@FloraandYuna multi-generational for us.
We weren't allowed to have friends over
Well explained. Gifts from narcissistic parents are transactional. No such thing as a free lunch. You will be reminded that you are not appreciative enough and you owe them.
So true!
The narc parent instills existential guilt in the child. My mother reminded us many times that our births interrupted her sports career.
@@HeartFeltGesture same my mom says she wishes she never had kids.. I think abortion should be a thing. You didn’t gift your child with life.. you cursed them forever to never love or trust ourselves or anyone else . This is worse in pedophilia in my opinion. It’s your own parent / creator. Not some random creep.
Well said. In the 4th Grade, I realized my mom's pattern. She bought me a gift, then throw it up to me for 2 weeks that she bought me something. I started to decline gifts if she asked because I didn't want her hear it afterward!
We were reminded of that in normal households. “I took up for you at school and you were fighting” and rarely care why unless you were taking up for them or a coach saw and was on your side about it. If a coach bragged about it you were scot free. It was just a tool in the toolbox. I think appropriate and limited use of that is good leverage for parents teaching stubborn kids.
My dad was a classic narcissist while my mom was guilt trip type narcissist. A technique that helped me was “re-write” my past in journal, and gave myself different parents who taught me to love myself rather than the parents I actually had who basically taught me to hate myself, this helped me to kind of recondition my mind and realize that I do matter.
You matter a great deal. This world needs your uniqueness.
@@BK-tp6jf I feel you
I really like this idea, it sparks my imagination! Still struggling with all this at 61 and 90 year old mother!
My parents are both narcissists my mother guilt game, jealous, rages, controlling my father the blame game its always your fault or ignores you if he doesn't like what he hears. I left home at 18 after a big fall out of cause it was all my fault 🤣. I am now 50 they are old vulnerable stubborn hoarders and the house is falling apart and dangerous they won't let anyone help and its not their fault its yours! 😱😥
I do believe that writing it down and maybe re-writing your perspective, gives you the new lease of life you need.
I was being manipulated for most of my life to serve only her.
After my Dad died it was worse because no friends were accepted, girl or especially boy friends.
She even finally watched ne marry someone I didnt truly love, and revelled in my regret.
She did die early, but adoring children of others did not understand my relief!
Thought I was wicked even.
Even now, I am not dogged by being oppressed (or is it repressed)?
If I had an accomplishment my parents would say “that’s what your supposed to do” . But my grandfather always told me how proud he was of me to this day.
YES! The exact same with my father, who never accomplished half as much as I did.
I’m 17 with a dad who has servere narcissism. I struggled to have a relationship with my father for a while and I got to a place where he made me absolutely miserable. My advice for minors who are stuck with narcissistic parents is to simply do your own thing. Is easier said then done since they have huge issues with control. But for me, I got a job, bought almost everything on my own and was able to release some of the control that was over me. Your mental health is important and shouldn’t be compromised to fit the needs of your parent. Do what you have to in order to make sure you are okay!
This is called insulation and it’s insulating yourself from the comments, neglect, varying levels of abuse that one may encounter. Thank you for sharing this comment. I think many people will find it very helpful.
So true! I am so pleased for you ♥️
What do you do when you’re 20 but they won’t let you get a job or leave the house?
@@kamy6389 Difficult , my Daughtet is 17 , wants a job ,; freinds & a life , my ex come and got her , she is half the size , she was with me. In 12 months she had 7 days outside in fresh air exercise , whole body has deteriorating muscle wastage horrendous , her .mum turned her against me now , Horrendous what my daughter is going through .b
@@kamy6389 my advice would be (if you are experiencing abuse) to pack a bag(s) with things things you need and maybe something you'd like to keep, make a plan to stay at a friend's or a shelter (look online if you can) and call the police. You are an adult and they are imprisoning you against your will. Even if it doesn't stand as a "crime" they can arrest your parents for perhaps they could assist in your escape by being there. Also look into the churches in your area if you have any as they may be able to provide you with some help.
When I was in my early 20’s I lost 140lbs and it was a real true victory in my life. My dad posted an old picture of me on Facebook and said Here’s the real Jack. I can’t imagine being that cruel to my son and also probably why Ill never have children
I'm sorry!!! My ex was like that to my son. Realize they have the issues not us. I realized all the manipulative, gaslighting, and narcissistic stuff he was doing to me was all him. Once I got that in my head I felt sorry for him. He was trapped in his own living hell - his own mind.
I don’t know you Jack but I am sorry. How hurtful. And also- congrats on your victory
Have those kids if you want because you will be a great dad! And your dad is a jealous bum and always will be.
I was going to press the thumbs up on your comment but it’s not that I didn’t like it, I empathize.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Jack Rudy, the real you is what you see of yourself, not what our parents or people say about us. Having will power like yours will bring you the life of success.
I divorced my malevolent covert narcissistic mother 23 years ago. The best thing I ever did. It took time to get my life on track….hard work.
Today I own my life.😊
Glad to hear you focused on growing and setting your own course for your life.
Same. Changed my last name legally at 22. 46 now and it was a huge step.
That's awesome. It's hard to do so congratulations.
This is what I want to do. Divorce my horrible mother. How did you do it? Did you just stop ✋talking to her.
@@makedafindlay9398She was a liar and I caught her again. I had enough. I drove home several states away and never spoke to her again. I cried every day for several months, even w/therapy.
Gradually the pain diminished. I thank God.
Going No Contact (after confronting my parents with the abuses) was the best decision I made. I made it before I turned 37; just over 8 years later I saw my narcissistic mother and she *has.not.changed*!
Now that I have had all doubts removed, I'm finally starting to heal (including physically) and become a somewhat functional human being (at least in my home). Progress is slow, but I'm not giving up.💪🏻🙏🏻
Damn I had the exact same experience. Went no contact at age 34, now 8 years later, they're still the same, haven't changed one bit!
I have an entirely different view of others who appear to be lonely or suffering now, after going through similar stuff, my body is dying now and I finally realized no contact was the only way. Now I pray God can heal me so I can have some life before I grow old and die.
All the best ♥️
Write them off!!!
Before I even found out about narcissism, I used to use the analogy that I was a toy that my parents broke, and they're too immature to fix it.
That’s powerful . Insightful. Hope you the best in your healing and journey forward
Narcissistic parents are immature
You were an empath god sent to break this curse ❤❤❤❤❤❤I moved away because I noticed my whole family acted alike and I was the only one playing with paper dolls making dolls out of tshirts and the mental interviews started 😂😂😂😂bye narc bitches y'all can't do nothing unless it's a human contact event 😂😂😂
Yes I also feel like a toy, a doll, a robot, a punching bag. When the toy is broken (AKA not following orders), I was labeled to be "broken" and my narcissistic mother will teach me a lesson, lashing out and abused me physically and mentally.
I went no contact over 18 years ago with both narc parents. Both passed away. No regrets. Most other family members also eventually went no contact. In therapy at 49yo and I'm finally free of this internal "I owe everyone" mantra I've lived with as well as bpd traits. My faith probably plays the most important role, though. Don't ever give up seeking help and truth.
I'm only 21 but no contact with my mom for about a year. I miss her but I can't handle it. Nobody in my family speaks to her anymore. I was the scapegoat child always growing up. I wish parents could do better.
What you overcame sounds like me rn. I'm trying to go NC but I'm full of guilt and loneliness. Hopefully over time the safe space I am tryign to build is enough.
@@SparkyGecko wtf are you doing? Talk to her before its too late.
@@Ayixlia Lmaoooo no I dont think I will
Hi there I couldn't hep it but felt a real connection I went four years with no contact, I felt like I had no choice, when mum passed away yes I was there due to the police contacting me I was relieved in therapy now have forgiven her with God's help God bless you on your journey
I had two narcissistic parents who I cut off! I'm 63 years old and still suffer from the abuse. The abuser can forget and forgive themselves but it's the abused who carries that intense pain forever. My father just passed but I never shed a tear, I hope when my malignant mother dies I might finally be free. I feel no guilt because I love them but can't bear the toxicity...I've suffered enough!
Yes you have suff
yeah i had the same experience 2 narcs for parents see above if i hadn't taken extacy i wouldn't have a clue what love is i'm also getting on 50yrs old now and i still feel like a lost child i hope they suffer in hell for a very long time!
@@markhall42 - I remember the first time I got drunk and was thinking, “This must be what love feels like.” I stayed drunk for the next 10 years and wound up in a living hell. Drugs and alcohol bind to the same receptor sites that we feel when we have a healthy relationship and that becomes the addiction. I removed the alcohol and replaced it with healthy relationships which is what caused the pain that I was trying to escape from. After my narc parents were dead and my narc grandmother finally followed them I was able to realize that I was living in hell here on earth and I was going to have to make the changes to find a new way to live. They are never going to validate me or give me the love they withheld. They are never going to apologize for the physical abuse and neglect.
Now it’s my life between me and God and I have to answer for the things that I have done and the harm I have caused no matter how small. I have to be the adult for the kid inside of me that still hurts and is trying to cary all that pain alone. I didn’t get to pick my family but I can pick my friends and the people around me that I love and who are with me on my journey of healing.
I didn’t go to my mothers funeral… because I chose not to feel the pain and agonizing question “WHY?
Good decision for me.. not for everyone.
@@boxelder9167 thank you ! Well said 👍
“If you would have loved your parent enough, you’d be a good person” Home run with this one!
Yes
Oh man. Every day I would wake up thinking “How can I make her happy today so that I can be okay?”. Not a great existence. Not doing that any longer.
My mom was an absolute narcissist Queen and because of her I am an empath. I'm too sensitive ,I care too much , and I'm a human lie detector. I can absolutely feel somebody's thoughts pain happiness all of it just walking into a room.
Same here!
Wow I am you!
Same here
Nailed it...
Ditto! I totally "know" when people are lying to me, and feel emotion when walking into a room. Can feel the energy of an argument/other negatives that have been in the room even after they've left or argument is over. It's exhausting, isn't it?
I've spent years saying "my parents just never loved me" and people couldn't wrap their minds around it. I finally know it's because they both have NPD. I don't know how I went so long without realizing it. My whole life, all I ever needed was to be loved and empathized with.
🤗
Sounds like my life. I so understand you.
And accepted for who you are!!
It took me 40 year's. And oh boy was she 🙀🙀🙀🙀
Boy I can relate
I had to remove myself from my mother who was a narcissist. I have been treated for PTSD because of her. I was SO relieved when she died.
Yep! I haven’t cried yet, and it’s been three years.
It’s been 4 years since I went NO CONTACT with my narcissistic parents and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. It’s not easy, but I m happier now that I have ever been. Wishing you all peace❤️
I am in my 30s and I still feel a sense of disorientation and my sense of time warped due to the abuse I went through childhood and adolescence. My 20s were characterized by the effects of the abuse and my 30s as my years of recovery. However, I cannot leave them due to my mother being alone with my alcoholic narcissistic father, yet my mother was a covert narcissist. Hence, why I was stunted emotionally, perhaps physically due to stress and anxiety and I did not develop as a healthy adult. Maybe once I leave them I will be healthier and develop into the adult I had envisioned to be.
I decided to run away at the age of 9 or 10. Then realized, where would I go? And how could I navigate the world? So I stayed. And finally got out and quickly landed on My feet at age 20. My deepest regret is not running away. I should figured it out, because staying there killed Me.
The questions never ever asked were “How do YOU feel?” Your “What do YOU want?”. Being seen as a good mother was uppermost with my mother, actually being one - of course - never was. My mother was outraged when my high school counselor suggested to her that I see a therapist - it made her look bad!!!
Instead of being a good mother mine saved up and bought me a HUGE teddy bear when I was 3. On the way home, I quietly wound the car window down and threw it out. It was at night. They went back to try to find it but I'd thrown it out tens of miles away. She knew that I was onto her phoney ways. She admitted when I was 25, to never having loved me when I told her on the phone just the sound of her voice made me want to cry.
These days she's guilt ridden and she rants and raves loudly. I quietly reminded her that she hardly lets me speak and when I do, it's her reacting and over reacting. I said this is why I shut myself off from her for decades. Shattering to her but she's gradually facing it. I have had to do all the emotional work. Plus I had thyroid disorder that amplified all my trauma. I have tried very hard to not repeat her mistakes but the reality is that due to the lack of good role models I have some characteristics that are. I just have to work on it but hardly knew who I was for decades. It's just hard work. she was jealous of my beauty and never gave me any positive feedback. So I never believed I was beautiful. No real self confidence.
@@deborahcurtis1385 I’m sure she knew you were beautiful - she was just jealous!
thanks Mary. Support and love never got through to me when I needed it most. Her mother on her deathbed said she saw history repeating itself with how my mother treated me, repeating from her own jealousy and abuse of my mother. But she never got to apologise, my mother refused to go to her deathbed to hear it. She blocks out what she doesn't want to hear and just shouts. So I have had to do all the recovering, and now I talk gently but persistently. It's asking a lot. But after ss many years of hard work, I'm getting some kind of reward in the form of inner security. @@Emkfry8020
Same. I couldn’t have one thought, one feeling, one need, one anything of my own or she’d be in a rage! Heaven forbid I get sick. When I had my first of two eye injuries she told me to kill my self and hated me the sicker I got (which was because of her). I literally lived in mental hospitals and emergency rooms from suicide attempts and she tortured me more. She was a demon straight from hell.
@@deborahcurtis1385I'm hoping you've cut off contact with her. If she has ever said she wants to get better or wants to work on yourself for you, but you're doing all the work... that's a lie. That's a lie just to get you back. She should be doing all the work, as she's the person with the disorder. Not you. You can't heal if you're in the same environment that made you sick.
It's been 2 1/2 years since I've spoken to my covert narcissist mother. It's good to know others can relate. I became a rebel in my teenage years, I always knew something was "off", I just couldn't express it then. The only problem is my relative family is having trouble believing me when I tell them about the lifetime of abuse, they never saw bruises so everything was fine to them. That's what makes my mother the most brilliant of monsters.
I can relate. My narc biological father was just never in my life, by his choice. My single narc mother really had me walking on eggshells until I rebelled as a teenager. It was short lived because I just got tired, exhausted, and detached. I'm 50 and just realising in recent years that the lifetime of emotional pain I felt around her and my family, who always sides with her, was very real and not my fault. So in going nc with her, I went nc with the whole family. They are all so fecked up, they don't consider her abusive or neglectful, and she was both.
Very sorry you went through this abuse from someone who was supposed to be loving and kind….unfortunately others are unlikely to believe you because all they see is the “nice person “/“good mother “ mask she wears.
Feel good to stand by what you know is true.
Five years here. Kudos
“Brilliant monster”….mine didn’t speak to me for years. Her precious son stole my inheritance….she defended him.
I am in the exact same situation; but for me it's ancient history and most of the family is gone; but i totally relate to all the comments above
That bit about the parent not wanting therapy... Spot on. And it's sad bc they are the ones who need it most. But they don't believe in it, and completely dismiss the idea of it.
They are actually in fear of being found out as insecure, fearful, self sabotaging and guilty.
They are more prone to claiming your mentally ill and finding yes doctors to label you or far worse. Attempting to compel a narcissist to seek help is like trying to touch the sun in the sky. You can see it for yourself but you can never touch it. You see the narcissist for who they are but you can never change that sadly.
I was even sent to concentration camps as a small child. Due to hiding in my room 24/7 outside of school. Since I was severely abused and neglected at home. Then I'd go to school and be bullied by students and teachers alike. I was physically abused when I was younger. Psychologically emotionally abused for the all my life to date. I was sexually abused on one occasion as well. I ended up an empath with CPTSD and an anxiety disorder.
It didn't help that every single place I've worked has exploited and abused me. All while gaslighting me on top of it. Not to mention nearly every single person I've ever known since I was a small child has just exploited me. Many often being very toxic the majority of people steal from me. I had teachers stealing from me as early as first grade. Then gaslighting me when I caught them in the act one day at recess. Tragically an overwhelming majority of the people I've dealt with for over 30 years now have only exacerbated everything. I've seen the worst in humans and have been on the receiving end of far worse than that directly. Far to numerous of times to keep track of anymore.
Don't bother on therapy for narcissists... they are their own demons but won't admit it. I just discover this among my family members. Not worthy of our time to associate much with them.
Often they will say "it's a sign of weakness".
My mother would insist on going to therapist or counselor alone for one session, then come home and proclaim that "They told me I have no problems, I'm perfectly delightful and well adjusted and fascinating to talk to. They said it's all of YOU with the problems, you're all jealous and spiteful."
Sure they did 😕😓😐
Wow! I'm almost 50 and you described my mother perfectly. I never knew what was wrong with her, but thanks to you, now I know.
Amen! Even though it can be decades without an answer (6 for me!), it is so good to know NOW what we didn't know THEN. It is all new, even in the medical community.
I was 35 when I finally realized what was going on, now the only thing I can do is learn and try not to repeat the same mistakes. I’m almost 40 and have no kids because I’m terrified I’ll be the same.
Me too
Me too
I'm diagnosed BPD and have a narcissistic mother.
I'm 40 now and when I had my son who's now Six, I had to cut mother off so she couldn't destroy my child's life as well.
I've had the best six years of my life, not only being a Mom but free from my narcissistic mother.
Yet another great video, thank you Dr Fox.
Penny Bunny, I did this too. My first two I didn’t let them go to her and his house alone. I went with them. Then by my 3rd baby I had learned and kept them away from them. It was peaceful. BUT guess what? When they turned 18, this woman began to call them in her own without me knowing and love bombing them. That bought them a car each, phones, furniture cloths kitchen stuff everything even though they had their own already from me n their dad. None-the- less she love bombed them, injected meanness in me to them for keeping them away from her and dad. All those years she had been planning how to destroy what the kids had with me. This started until she had them go no contact with me. My youngest went two years with not speaking to me. The two older ones I still haven’t seen - five years. Also she had planned for literally my whole life to screw me. She didn’t file my birth certificate w the state, I had a military birth certificate that was fine with employers until 911. I had interviewed for a new job and got the offer then a letter came said they couldn’t identify me. HR couldn’t tell me why. Long story short I went for five years trying to get a job taking all kinds of hell from all directions my car was reloaded etc and she was my biggest critic for being such a bad person I couldn’t even get a job. I applied for a passport my and finally they pinned down the problem it was that she never filed my real birth certificate and knew this all along. So I’m saying to give you a heads up, she’s sitting at her place plotting how to get to your son when he is adult. I had explained to my kids completely. They get really hurt in the teen years for not having grandparents. I hope this will help you to some how ??? Ward it off for you and your son. Peace to you and good luck protecting them. I no doubt had to deal with feeling if I failed to protect them in the end. I know it’s not my fault but I NEVER dreamed she would go this far. Oh when I told her about the birth certificate she just gave me that gotch grin no sorties no remote just floating.
Hugs
Penny, it sound like you are a understanding mother, keep at it.
I'm 50. This is why I never had children. Even watching my N mother interact with my dog reinforces the fact that this was a responsible decision on my part. Shame, really, 'cause I always wanted kids and think I would have been a pretty good mother.
@@sabeaniebaby I chose very young to not have children or marry. The horrible relationship my parents had made me think a family would be bad. Today I love my pets and help stray animals and know I would have loved being a mom.
The child grows up feeling a profound sense of unworthiness, self doubt and fear. I didn’t know how screwed up my dad was until he turned on me. I found out it was all about power and satisfying his enormous ego. I never stood a chance.
Oh my gosh! Same. At 54 and his last tirade I could no longer deny the disdain and contempt he has had for me my entire life
Sounds like my dad. Ty.
Are u my SISTER??
@jeanie Mattone. Oh, wow... 🥺😳 This is so similar to my situation. What you said about how we grow up, feeling unworthy, never good enough. It's sad, it's bad, it's a terminal situation in many ways. 😔 My mother was the narcissist in my life so, I was a Daddy's girl and the messed up part is that, when she died, ( I was 42 years old) my dad turned into exactly what you described your dad as being. It's as if I lost them both, the day my mom passed away because my dad disappeared and someone new had taken over his body. Deep wounds that sometimes never heal....
@@Tobrina1978 I have a feeling your dad was always that way-your mother may have just been worse and when she died, he stepped into what would have been his ‘normal’ role. People don’t change-not at that age. I’m sorry, Sweetie. 💔
I have a narcissistic mother and my life only got better when I stood out for myself and showed that I was going to do what I wanted, regardless of what she wanted. We had a huge fight, but it was necessary for me and helped me to her more empowered about myself.
Now I don't let her so close to me anymore and it's been better. Space is always necessary, physically and emotionally.
I broke of all contact with my narcissist mother and the flying monkeys (which unfortunately was my whole family..). I basically lost everyone but there was nothing else to do. It was terrible at first but now I feel it was the best decision in my life ☺️
Sometimes, there's no other choice. They even go out of their way to convince relatives, neighbors, family friends that you're the crazy one and 90% or more of them end up believing them because people are stupid like that. I had to do the same, unfortunately, but no regrets. It's just the way life is sometimes.
You won't feel so bad about leaving bad people if you focus on becoming happy yourself.
Gosh healing the inner childhood wound has been tough. Then healing from ex psychopath...trauma bond. Been healing for over 3 years . Hugs to everybody trying to love themselves 💙💙💙
Same here, you are an empath my love.
Amen. Hugs to you too.🤍🤍🤍
The healing takes place over a lifetime and little by little it gets better. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to heal.
Keep up the great work. Trauma bonds are your final test or gauntlet. You rock!👍
💜💜💜 Melissa Miller
I think you have only scratched the surface of how detrimental it is to have a NPD parent. For instance, unbeknownst to me: my mother carefully planned to steal my trust fund when I came to years, and she did - even before I had a chance to think about it. The silver lining of having a NPD mother is that I grew up wanting to become the opposite of everything she embodied. And, in time by the grace of God: I have.
And let me guess - "I had to take the trust fund because you would be inept and mismanage it and waste it all."
Yes, many of these narcissists are outright criminals.
@@dgontar Absolutely true.
My "mother" stole my second child and hasn't let me see him in months. Courts love her because she's an informant.
@@melissamclaughlin697 In my case she lied so much to the judge and it was all in the protocol. Did you go to the courts office and get all the papers there, read it on the spot and make copies? I did and I found out the many lies she had told about me. I then brought forward the evidence that this and that she had told was untrue. But because I was too late to appeal against the court decision, nevertheless, the higher court released a decision saying that the "mother" was a notorious lyer. I left my then 14-year old daughter with my mother, because she burst in tears and begged me to stop fighting, so I did. But I regret it every single day. I wish you all the best and strength. Also, the youth welfare office was stuffed with people out of hell. Never sign anything they tell you to sign. They lie so much, a honest person would not believe it possible. Also, everyone involved earns money with your problems. So be careful whom you ask for help. I wish you all the best and all the strength you need.
My narcissistic mother would tell us at age 6 that she “didn’t like us very much right now”…probably due to us having an opinion or something. She’s now in her late 70’s playing the victim bc of course she remembers none of the emotional and physical abuse…I have no time for it.
Wow… my mother said the exact same thing
I reversed ALL of the pain and hurt by taking care of my mother when she became old. She could never admit all of the damage she did to me, but its all she knew. I got therapy myself all these years, and can articulate now what happened to me. Caring for her when she was old, frail, and then died healed us both. Even if they cannot apologize, or don't 'remember' forgive them for your own good, and for your own children. To have peace for yourself.I ended up as an Empath as well, and its a gift for helping others. Love is the only answer.
We all do learn what we live , as children, by watching the adults around us. We can't blame our parents because blame seeks punishment, we were victims of victims.
That's how they were treated, destined to repeat it ,
I am 71 now ,
I am an identical twin, I was introduced as" this is Annette she is a twin ,but her twin is dead."
My Father delivered us on the lounge room floor ,
My sister passed a week later ,we were put into separate humey cribs, we were 2 lb each.
My Father loved me dearly ,we having a very close bond , my Mother did not show me Love ,only anger and jealousy,
until my father passed,
Infact she treated me completely different from my three siblings.
I have learned that Forgiveness is the answer to everything.
It sets us Free.
Show me the child of 7 years old ,and I will show you the man,
(Bruce Lipton's truth)
And from then on ,we are the one responsible for our own behaviours, until we change them.
We do only Have one Mother ❤️❤️
🙏🙏❣️❣️
@@annettecarroll5217 Love this...believe in this...thank you Annette
Isn’t it odd how they “never remember.” Somehow my mother completely forgot or blocked out years of abuse, neglect, & emotional abuse. I wonder if it’s easier for them to deny or if these moments weren’t even memorable enough for them.
That's crazy to hear but also not so surprising that narcissistic parents tend to create children with BPD traits. I got diagnosed with BPD at the age of 23 after years of self destructive behaviour. The cause is absolutely growing up with narcissistic parents. Great video and very relatable, thank you!
Thank you very much and I’m glad that you found the video helpful.
Exactly the same as me
Me too. My folks were so happy to have me at home on meds making me a zombie. They had me convinced I was mentally ill and needed to live in a mental institution. My mother actually lied to the therapist with the hopes of getting me committed to satisfy the NPD stepdad. Now after 40 years my mom has become the NPD as well and they are a miserable team who hate each other, especially their kids.
Same
@@DrDanielFox Your video was helpful, but to be frank it just re-enforced what I already knew. As my dad and his family did their best to destroy me just to hurt my mom. While my sisters could do no wrong, despite their criminal activity that started in high school. Perhaps it was best that my parents split when I was four, and I lived with my mom as my dad & his family always despises me....
As the son of a narcissist father this video has touched so many emotions to the point of almost crying. My childhood was so messed up.
You are not alone.look here,I was raised by a narcissistic grandma, married to a narcissistic husband and employed by a narcissistic boss,life hasn't been easy for me😢
im sorry.-
It took me so long to realize that my grandma and my dad both had it and were basically the same person. It all clicked after a huge family blow up. It’s crazy that I’ve spent a majority of my life thinking I was the bad person because I was relieved when I wasn’t living with my parents anymore. It felt so good to be free from the stress and the walking on eggshells.
❤
I could not believe irt looks like he is talking about my fathers. The words he uses just to translate to our language. The same nearly wanted to cry.❤
I broke away at 17 , got emancipated … went to Santa Barbara CA. I found a wonderful support group and great music , the ocean, the mtns, so beautiful (I’m from MN).
I’m 65! And a survivor 👍
I did the same, I left home at 16years. Actually, my narc father told me to leave home, but I was glad. I hadn’t finished school yet but decided to finish school at 34 so I could go to university and become a therapist. I’m 55 now and also a survivor! It’s taken me a long time to undo all the mental damage and I’m still working on it, but I’m finally in a much better place 🙏🏽
@@helenaedwards7123 thanks so much for sharing your experience. It's crazy how it happened exactly the same way with me. My father said it's his home and asked me to leave. I'm only 22 and left home 1.5 years ago. I belong to a country where parents are held at a pedestal and nobody, absolutely nobody, believed me. Hearing experiences like yours make me feel seen and not alone. Thanks again. ✨
@@helenaedwards7123 God Bless you !!!✌️
@@meghaseth5815 dear one, you are a living saint. Your life will be blessed beyond what you can even imagine. Stay strong my love, and stay safe. 💕
@@helenaedwards7123 understand, same here, and i'm elderly, and it still hurts...
It's so disturbing to read in the comments that people were happy and relieved when their mother/father died. And yet, I totally understand it. When you live with a narcissist, it's like living with a terrorist or a sadistic prison warden. They terrorize and torture you every time they can get away with it, which is often. They repress you and oppress you and you feel worthless, powerless, paralyzed, and silenced. They have power over you, and they keep you under their thumb. So it feels like the only way out, the only relief, the only escape, is when they die.
I feel like my fathers death would be liberating for me for sure
@TheSpirit AndTheBride It really is. I feel immoral for thinking that way. But thats just how I am. I am insecure, I second guess everything I do lol
It was a relief when my abusive narcissistic male parent died. When he was alive, he tried manipulating me by being super nice. How can I give a shit about someone who traumatized and abused me? It was extremely difficult being around him because I hated him. I’m glad he’s dead.
@@deeprollingriver5820 I hear you
yeah i didnt cry when my mother died i was releaved. her hatered was gone and i could begin to heal.
I hated being home as a child. I never felt like my mom wanted me to be there. I had great friends growing up and my dad's mom basically raised me and was the center of my world. I was the eldest. It wasn't until someone I care about in my adult life was diagnosed with NPD recently that led me to yours and others youtube videos and helped me realize what was wrong in my household all my childhood. There were 5 of us kids. 4 girls and 1 boy. She treated me and my little brother like discarded trash, and never raised any of us to 18. I'm now 42 and raised 2 children of my own. My children have inherited my GAD, but I didn't raise either of them the way my mom treated me. My personal goal was to do better than my mom did, and lift my kids up and encourage them. My mom is 62 and still doesn't see she's the problem and has never gotten help and blames me why we no longer talk. I went no contact December 2008, and kept my kids away from her until they were 18 and could make their own decisions and protect themselves. I really think sometimes the best thing to do is avoid the narcissist. You can't heal around the people that hurt you.
My mid range narcissistic father conveniently "doesn't remember" things he's done. When I was a teenager he would use power and control. Now when I'm a man he doesn't remember things. I don't speak to him anymore.
The Cannon
Same bro. Also van life is my next move. Freedom is my top value after never having it
My mother. She claims she has “dementia” I’m like uhhhhhhh? Recently something stuck out to me that she said. We were talking about my childhood a little bit but I was very weary of what I was saying bc it always ends terribly bc she gets so butt hurt....and defensive....but she mentioned how she always felt like she was competing with the other mothers. She always felt she had to one up them. Meaning I was ALWAYS pawn in her little fucking game. She wanted me to be a cheerleader. Popular. But I realized early on I wasn’t that way. I never connected with the people who she approved of as friends. And when she said that honestly it killed me but it also is helping me see her for what she really is.
Same as you no contact 12 years, my father died before a month and I felt very bad for him.. I hated him unbelievable but i felt sorry for him
Oh yes! According to my mother she gave up everything and apparently I never give her enough acknowledgement or gratitude. When I call her out on things that she's done, she denies EVERYTHING. Righttttt because I just made all this shit up
same. neither of my parents. a few years before I stopped speaking to my parents my mom praised herself "after all I've been through in my life the one thing I can pride myself on is that I was a good parent. I never ever yelled at either of you [her kids]" my jaw hit the ground. her yelling and etc etc led to my eventually developing an autoimmune disease and cptsd with flashbacks of her voice yelling at me!
I didn't have to write off my narcissistic mother and passive father after I started giving my personal opinion that clashed with my mother's. My mother did it. Dad had to follow or feel Hell's fire from her. They are both gone, forgiven and not missed. I finally have peace.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think making peace with some of our most challenging issues is so important.
The most powerful thing you can do,and continue when needed, is to forgive them,yourself and the past. It gives you more peace and understanding ,and knowing that even if you cut all contact and connections this frees up hurt and anger. I had to allow myself to be hurt,sad and angry. Validate all my past and present emotions and confusion. Then...when ready, I started the forgiveness path. I hope everyone gives themselves this freedom and empowerment when you're ready💗
@@janetheresesbye6034 what is your recommendation for learning forgiveness?
@@sandrasiecgrist9233 , your question is a good one. I wish I could give you a recipe, but I honestly think this can be different from one individual to another. In my case,after years of forgiveness, hoping things would be better if only I did this and that...I had to let go. And never look back. And bear no resentment or bitterness despite what they ( family) have done to me. This can also be different from what you, me or other people experience. Another thing I do,is to acknowledge emotions or memories, which fades in time. I also started to do things,and hobbies that I always wanted to do,which was denied. This again made me connect with great people, new friends, and now I earn some money through my hobbies/ creations. I am sorry that I have no clear recipe,or advice. It did help meeting people who was able to listen, and to get some insight from psychologists. And be mindful. I am not a particular great writer,I am more of a " talker",and to connect and listen. I hope you find a way to let go,that is meaningful for YOU 🌈
@@janetheresesbye6034 Thank you so much for replying! I never know if someone form YT will or not so I take the chance anyway. Here’s one thing I struggle to understand where it’s right or wrong, even if there is no right from wrong answer, but did you ever confront the person directly? Like for me it’s my parent. I want nothing more than to confront him and let him know all the ways he hurt me whether or not that’s futile, I doubt it will matter. My sibling I tried to address as well because he is a product of the same pod but he too refuses to set aside personal differences in order for us to all work together as a family for my mom’s sake. It’s the most divisive situation ever and I know I need to be free from his rudeness, hatefulness and general ego trips but for now, it only seems that when he dies, will I have peace. I’m so sick of it all and want nothing more than to sweep my mom from his own demise and find joy in all that life has to offer because the Lord knows....I am very blessed! I am hoping by listening to the multiple videos and reading comments of similar struggles, I can formulate some sort of game plan. I think in many ways, it would be different if I know I would never have to be around him again so this is my internal war. I’ve always found that when people turn a blind eye, let the water roll off of the feathers, there is always some volcanic eruption somewhere that could have been prevented. I definitely value all thoughts and suggestions but also realize every situation can be slightly different. If we were all the same, we would be drones and how boring would that be?! Lol
I was the quiet kid with good grades, I was the peace maker in the family that became an alcoholic as a young adult. 12 yrs. Sober I've learned to work on me set boundaries and limit my interactions with others for time alone.
I am 70. I have been fortunate to go no contact. I’ve worked for a longtime on healing. I’m still learning about all this stuff.
Wow… I’m 53 years old. I wish I had heard this when I was 12. My father came to this country a refugee that grew up in workforce concentration camps. He’s a twisted mind. Always hated me, and still does in his 80s. He has been a real Judas to all family members. But he especially enjoyed mentally and emotionally shocking/ traumatizing children. Locking us in closets for days. He attempted to “end” me a few times and make it look like an accident. Thankfully he’s stupid and couldn’t make his plans work. He fears me now… and he should.
I thank God for my American grandparents from Texas. (My mothers side) So kind . I think of them frequently.
I tell my adult children that I love them, every day. They know the story, but they will never really know.
One day I told a coworker friend of mine my story . And then asked her. What kind of psycho does stuff like that to their own flesh and blood? Let alone to any child or creature??
She looked me right in the eyes and said, “ it happens every minute of every day Vince !”
That broke my heart.
Protect the innocent out there.
honestly i don't know how anyone found to have a compulsion to bully kids - their OWN kids no less is considered safe to be roaming among people - sorry i dont think theres any need to be pc about putting the rights of kids before any parental "rights" and certainly before any child abusers rights
Judas is the right word to describe them. My father is a Judas.
Jealousy
It happened to me. My mom. I would be in fear of my mom killing me when I walked home from school. I didn't know what mood she would be in. I later rebelled as a teen. I worked out in school. When she threatened to hit me at age 16 I threatened to beat the living shit out of her if she ever touched me again. It's not disrespectful to stay that to your mom if she tries to kill you. Police were called on her over 8 times but no arrest and nothing happened to her for her abuse. California sucks and no one really cares about you as a child. Unfortunately, what can people do?! I have heard of foster kids getting graped. So what's better for the children? It's a evil world we live in. Now that I am married and have a child I don't understand how my mom could do that to the ones she was supposed to love. I have gotten counciling and read books on how to heal from the abuse. Praise God! Also becoming a Christian and having God by my side saved my life. I have forgiven my mom the best I could. Understand that she grew up in a toxic family with other narcissistic family members. I also understand that she was wrong and as an adult you are fully accountable for your actions regardless of their childhood. I called them out for their wrong doings and explained why they are bad. I put my foot down. I created boundaries and hold to them the best I can.
It is frustrating to explain to people that don't go threw this why I do what I do. Example I told my husband and mother in law that if anyone hurts my daughter I will kill them ( I know. I will for sure have boundaries and safety up so I don't put my daughter in that situation. I would never leave my daughter alone with my mom. ). No one will ever hit my daughter or physically hurt her. Our laws don't do anything to people that hurt children so I will take care of the problem myself and get a lawyer, not talk to police at all, zero talking and move to another country that will not put me to prison and protect my daughter. Look at Epstein. He hurt how many women and didn't spend one night in jail because he is rich!!! No! I care about my daughter. You want to live then don't hurt my children!!!
I also said to my parents if you ever want to see your granddaughter then no matter what she does you will not hurt her or hit her. You come to my husband or me and we decide how to solve the problem. She is our daughter not yours. If you don't respect the boundaries you don't love me your daughter or your granddaughter and should not see us ever again. I could care less. Seriously don't mess with me if you value your life. God will forgive me of killing child abusers. So yes I am deadly serious. I do not tolerate child abusers. No excuses!!!
Child abusers lives are deposable. No one on this earth deserves anything not even life. The air we breath, food and water is a blessing you do not deserve. It is a privilege to have these things. We were never garanteed life. We don't know when we will die or how long we live. It's all a gift from God. God made us. God didn't have too but he did. So we should be thankful for all we have. Abusing children is taking advantage of others and being selfish. No one will care if these people live or die. Better off the abuser dead then the children! Abuser will not hurt anymore if eliminated! We need to change America and start executing these people and hanging them on trees all the ones that harm people. No tolerance! Bring justice to the really victims.
@@michellemyers8583 "Unfortunately, what can people do?! " One thing we can do is to stop letting parents think they have any "rights" over their kid.
they have no rights only responsibilities protect their kids human right to not be abused or ignored or isolated so that they may to grow into an a adult capable of making their own choices with their own free will and enjoy relationships with others without hatred or low self esteem.
biological parents only advantage to parenting a kid is that they may have managed to get their chid to form a secure attachment to them in their early years .. this is no right of the parent it is for the right of the kid to lead a life not crippled with social anxiety.
not even 60% of children manage to for secure attachment to their parents so by no means are parents as a group doing great at raising kids who relate in healthy ways to others.
all this to say not enough parents seem to understand that biologically a human child is born less developed than most animals and we only survive as a group when parents put children's emotional and physical needs above their own and when all adults put all childrens needs above all adults needs.
There definitely are things you must never say or do to your own child regardless of context and i think we should start fining or suing parents or something because too many think having a kid means you no one can judge how you behave any more .. because we literally don't! until it reaches horrific proportions
I'm 49 years of age, and it took me 48 year's to realise I wasn't the problem, I was told I'm not good at anything, what have I done with my life, etc I realised I've spent my hole life, trying to get my parents approval, then one day I woke up! Better late than never. I'm now at peace and living my life, the best thing I've ever done was to walk away....Love and peace ✌️
Insight is a powerful thing. I wish you all the best.
I'm completely on the same page as you. I'm 59 and still struggling even though I had therapy years ago. I have want to start a small business for years now and I know that my inability to believe in myself is a hangover from my father always putting me down.
@@clairedelune1431 Sorry to hear, but we are survivers! And if we're able to survive what we have both been through, then we are unbreakable! Surround yourself with positive good hearted people, that will substitute lost of family- Once you have done that, you will forget the pass and you will succeed! All the best.... Love and peace ✌️
I never figured out that my mother was narcissistic till later in my life. I feel like I was robbed of part of my life! We didn’t talk for the last 7 years before she passed. I have no regrets from walking away, I only felt relief. My question is, what made her like this? It’s sad really. She made my dad and us 6 kids lives a living hell. I vowed to raise my kids exactly the opposite and it worked, they all have confidence, compassion & are all happy with their achievements as I am. Thank you for this video, the more I see & hear, the more I know I wasn’t crazy all these years!
I am now 55 and didn't realize my mother was narcissistic until I was 50, and my husband and step-daughter brought my attention to it. When I married my ex-husband (who is also the father of my children), who was eventually diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and bi-polar, I would wonder how I ended up with him seeing as I had such an "idyllic" childhood, or so I thought at the time. Once I realized my mom was narc, things started making sense and I could start to heal a bit. I still suffer with a lot of self-esteem issues, eating disorders, body issues, etc., but it's better. I finally had the nerve to try and talk to my mom/sisters/aunt about why they cut me off, and I now realize it's because I FINALLY found who I was and found my voice.
I've read books on this. I still don't get it. Both my parents were like only siblings. They didn't talk about their childhoods much. Neither of my parents were spoiled. They might have been neglected. IDK. Best I could figure out with my mom's mom, was that my Grandmother cast a long shadow of goodness, so maybe my mom got her attention by being bad. I never have understood it. They are like serial killers: they don't feel anything for their victims. They really don't feel anything for anyone.
Yes I'm older now so coming across these videos makes me wonder what caused my parent to be this way.
I loved them when I was young but when I went to live with them I ended up not knowing who I was until later in life. Many years I lived with much anger and had a hard time forgiving. Over time they have gotten worse and still deal with their manipulation. I hardly ever visited and now it's becoming less and less because of their games.
@@katyaflippinov9197 yes it's like they are numb to other people's feelings. I totally understand it took me a long time to have confidence in myself late in life. I can honestly say I'm now starting to believe in myself and have more confidence.
Australia says yes exactly the same as my mother I'm 52 years old she has stolen my children my grandchildren in way of making them hate me just like she hates me I just don't get Hey mother can do this to the children they are meant to love I have just finally been recognised having c-ptsd and I've been put on the disability pension finally after 2o years I only forget out my mother is being like this about 4 years ago and it absolutely changed my whole life Outlook and I absolutely feel like I've been robbed of my life and love in every way in my mother has made sure that I have no one loving me she's nasty still love her even though the last time I seen her four years ago she told me that I was dead to her I don't even know why is just the cruelest
Even if your parent isn't a full on NPD, they can be neglectful & abusive due to other causes like depression, substance abuse or other personality disorders that cause erratic behavior. So this is VERY helpful for a lot of people. Many parents treat their kids like a burden & are inconsistent with their affection, play siblings off each other because that's how they were raised, treat their kids like an extension of themselves or do other things that are very "narcissist-ish". And it sucks regardless of the cause.
My experience exactly now I’m a parent and trying best to heal so I don’t perpetuate the emotional and mental abuse cycle 😮😢
I am in the process of parenting myself… I am 54 years old. I’ve started realizing this process in the last 7 years or so. Still working on it, sometimes it’s very tough. Both my parents were/are narcissist. Thank you for this content
Me too. It's very difficult. How are you coping? Any tips?
@@eatpraylovetube2146 Mine just died. I mostly feel relieved that there will be no more screaming and criticicizing.My minister friend told me that it is NORMAL to feel this way after a lifetime of abuse. Going to sign cremation papers on Monday.
What motivated you?
That's what got me out of childhood depression and misery. As a child, I would appeal to my grown-up self to save me and take care of me. I always remembered my responsibility to that child. My advice--learn a skill, go to school. Your self-esteem will grow. Best wishes.
@@glittermama please be careful about giving advice you can frustrate anyone in the USA by telling them to get a skill or go to school I've only been trying it for 40 years I've Got What I Got by scratching in this dog-eat-dog capitalist system
I suggest you tell them to go where education might be free
In capitalism Only the Strong Survive and that's a small number of very small number the rest of us are thrown by the wayside we do not control our government or economy
As a 50+ adult of narcissistic parents, this overview is spot on. I stepped into therapy a few years back, and it made a HUGE difference. I wish I had seen a video like this 30 years ago!
What you say is almost like the mantra of all of us who have recovered from narc abuse … where was this knowledge forty years ago?
Me too!!! I struggled my entire life trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I was taught to "wear the mask" and I know how to keep up appearances. But this destroyed so much in my life. I'm thankful that now I know what happened to me. Content like this has saved me and I am healing daily.
Y.aa1 l LLP
Yes, it's brutal. Always felt like an orphan. Didn't even know my mom was a narcissist until this video, in which every single symptom matched, in fact my mom was even worse than what he described. Now I know where my depression came from.
Here’s a good one: the narcissistic mother accused her 2 grown children of being the narcissists and took it upon herself to disown them. My brother and I have had peace now for almost 3 whole months. 🤪
It's called Projection.
I bet all of you are Democrats, every one
If u visited my mother she would roast u like a chicken. When u leave her house u will feel lower then a gophers basement. Need a step ladder to leave her house.
If they'd only put it in writing...
Fantastic! I imagine the narc will be back, and it might be advantageous to block email, calls, etc…. Why let them back in. It’s only gotten worse for me.
My folks are in their mid-70s - both narcs & stuck in a relationship that makes them miserable. I went down to see them recently & I got dragged into a row between them about money & past lies. Spoke my mind… told them that they needed to stop lying to each other, their kids (my sister lives close by to them with her family & was away on holiday) & themselves. Went home… a week later my sis WhatsApp’s me to say I ruined her holiday because when she got home all my Mum did was bitch about how I’d taken sides with my Dad & caused friction - plus a load of other shit that she brought up.
I called them all individually & asked them to speak to each other about my conversation with my folks - this was difficult for me but they all ignored my request & went back to their happy bubble after a few days.
I’m 52 & have been trying to fix my parents for about 30 years. A total waste of emotional energy. I’m drained.
Now I’m done.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to try to help your parents for so long. Remember that you can only do so much, and it's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Sending you positive vibes.
@@DrDanielFox Did the same thing with my sister - for about 40 years. Tried to "help" her through life. Then I I came here. Found she not only manipulated me, but destroyed others financially. Went no contact. Sleeping much better and life is so peaceful now. I hope her adult kids realize it. Ty!
I'm estranged from my family and it was the best decision I've ever made.
Same. And it's hard when I see coworkers or friends who are so close to their families.
@@catherineshaw1122 ain’t that the truth … I saw a mother talking to her young adult son on a train and respecting his right to make an autonomous decision … it cut like a knife
I'm having a terribly difficult time. Any tips?
@@eatpraylovetube2146 me too, the holidays are really hard and I started no-contact not more than 6 months ago so the wounds sting a lot these days...but what has helped me is sitting down, looking around and realizing that after 20 years of suffering it is the first time EVER in which no one is abusing me! No one is using me as a chess piece for their own interests!!!! I can eat, dance, go out, stay inside, wear any clothes I want without worrying about my abusive mother and family criticizing me. I never thought feeling like this could be possible, I want every single abuse survivor to experience this as well.
I don't know you but the fact you're commenting and watching these videos tells me you a part inside of you loves you SO much it is craving for answers because it wants you to finally discover how stability and happiness feels like. You should listen and stick to it whenever your brain attacks you and tells you it is YOUR fault that you couldn't fix things and had to leave...that part inside of you knows it has never been your fault and is trying to show you that despite how loud your inner critic voice is, please believe it.
Reparenting yourself truly helps because your inner child gets the closure, understanding and compassion they always deserved so truly, be kind with yourself! Start the day with positive affirmations to improve your self-esteem, read stories from people with similar experience to find solace, sit down and reflect on how calm the room is when they're not around and relish that, observe your memories with new, non-judgmental lenses that will give you enough facts for not wanting to be close to them again.
If you have close friends, a significant other or belong to a nice community, you can tell your brain "this is my family now" and embrace it with pride, because it these are bonds YOU chose to preserve for the sole reason they value you enough to treat you nicely, like the human being with feelings that you are.
You've got this, it took me 2 years to find my way out and I know the sadness and eternal sense of abandonment feels excruciating, it gets lonely and you feel like you don't belong anywhere, but I hope you can find inner peace too, I believe in you ❤️
Me too. It was actually a relief when my narcissistic mother died because I didn’t have to explain to anyone why I didn’t go to see her. My dad? He actually helped her abuse all of us.
Heres a couple examples:
Physically ( she busted my eardrum while beating my head i was not allowed to protect my face and body during the beatings.
mentally (daily asking me who i thought i was… i was nobody, tgat id need her help one day and she would spit on me when i asked for help. I was called into the kitchen to “witness” my parents fight. And ordered to clean up the broken dishes and food on my hands and knees)
emotionally (made me box up my best friend in the world my cat “kitty” and take her to the pound to get euthanized because i broke some rule. She locked my prom dress up in the trunk Of the car so i couldnt go)
However, when her korean “friends” came over she would pet my head dand stroke my hair and have me recite the preamble, break out my report card and put hats on me to show my beautiful face.
It was a daily psychological warfare that breaks even the strongest minds…. I am the youngest so I survived w the least amount of scars.
Let me add that in reparenting myself and then letting go that I have forgiven my mother and I have forgiven my father for helping her abuse us. It was probably the best accomplishment of my life.
Retrospectively I regard my family as an extensive training program.
It's been painful, disgusting, traumatizing but I extracted invaluable lessons from that whole mess -up until the point I left them to themselves.
Yes, when someone treats me badly, I just think of the episode as someone sending me to school.
It's that end chapter where you walk away with all the lessons learnt that I need to execute. I'm only going to suffer sticking around.
yeah theyre not your responsibility .. there's nothing good about letting someone who is addicted to abusing you continue to abuse you
Perfect 👍. Great post.
I remember the constant comparisons with my friends, the constant belittling. Lucky for me I got saved by my father.
It’s great to have someone who you can depend on who provide you a sense of strong support. I wish you all the best and thanks for sharing.
I am so grateful I had Dad growing up with a narcissistic mother. I'm still very affected, but it terrifies me how I would've ended up with if it weren't for him, it's been hard enough. Unfortunately the heavens have since taken the wrong parent.
Lucky you. I had both parents narcs.
did they divorce? if so at what age?
@@imhere11111 No.
old therapist told me "nothing you do is going to change them" and that really changed my perspective. I hope this helps someone.
thats sad
This is so far the best description of a narsisstic parent I have seen. One characteristic that was missed, is that parents that are consummate narcs. Set up all children to pick each other apart. Where they all destroy each other in a fight for the narcs attention. The next is, they pick a favorite that they turn into what I call the chosen monster not the Golden Child
Yes! This! There were five of us, there was always an active target on one of us bestowed by my mother.
Yesss! You are 💯 correct.
My Mother made my brother the chosen favorite because he rejected our father in their divorce. He got new cloths, I just had to keep wearing the same old stuff. So then later in life he died of lung cancer & she gave me such a look of hatred after he died. I said, "It's not my fault he smoked." But somehow I was to blame.
@@parrsnipps4495 crazy what youve gone through
Oh yes, same in my family. One of my brothers was mercilessly picked on physically and mentally in favor of the other. He cut our dad off 40 years ago.
SUGGESTED TOPIC: How children of narcissistic parents can fix their "broken picker" so that they avoid dating, marrying, and/or having children with narcissists (because, let's face it, this happens over and over and over and the cycle needs to stop or never commence).
I agree. Tired of being cautious about getting into a relationship only to find out I still chose wrong. The only thing I do right is leave a few months in when they start ramping up the disrespect.
@@kaedatiger I do understand. We are drawn to the familiar....and this is a bad to dangerous thing when you're the offspring of someone with a personality disorder.
Sending you a hug~
@@le_th_ Thanks for the hug. I do love hugs.
Judging by the empathy in your comment, I imagine you're at least able to attract loving, supportive, reciprocal friends. It's just too bad that dating is a different process entirely and harder to see through the games.
Great suggestion! Indeed that is what usually happens. I believe the solution is getting to know ourselves and self love.
I also believe in learning how healthy relationships look and feel like. Through books, or talking to other people.
I notice I put up with a lot of neglectful friends even, unsupportive, unavailable when I need them. Because it feels familiar and what I deserve.
@@MissSarahGM Yes, I can relate to what you describe. The very few times I have really needed one of my (now former) friends, they were not there. Sadly, it often took more than a decade to figure out that they weren't going to be there the one time I needed them.
I also believe learning how healthy relationships look is really key. It's like we are adults who never had that behavior modeled for us and so we sort of flounder about (in our relationships) until we do find out.
I'm sorry you've had to experience this in life, as well.
I was terrified to go in the house after school, never knew what to expect.
I never felt ok in my own skin. Dissociating in social events as a young child. I used perfection to solidify my identity. The first time I felt normal was when I drank. Which started me on the path to alcoholism and addiction.
I have separated myself emotionally. He can no longer hurt me. I'm not responsible for his shitty behavior and was never responsible as a child.
But it left wounds in me. I suffer from severe social anxiety, shame, ruminating, dissociation during stress. I have dermatophagia. I don't feel an identity. Alcoholism and addiction.
You were spot on. Basically described my entire childhood to a T. I could go into so many details. Would be more than willing to tell you my story.
Thank you for sharing your experience here and I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox thank you friend. The truth is I wouldn't change anything probably. I like who I am, my experiences given me perspective i wouldn't have otherwise.
And it is my journey now. Instead of living someone else's journey.
What is dermatophagia?
So sorry! I felt the after school dread too!! My brother as well, he went down the addiction paths.....he took his own life 2 years ago after a period of sobriety! I blame our mom. I wish you love & light with your addiction, please know that you are worthy, and reach out for help if you need too.
@@mali-c8g your exactly right, when I hear how some people have a bad life I think to myself I don't know what that's like but I bet they wouldn't choose my life over their own.
The comment about not doing it different is proof of the maturity of the individual and their success as a well balanced person.👍🙏🔥💪
The fact that this video has 1.5 million views is very telling. Peace, light & love to all you beautiful people out there. You are worth it & your experiences are validated ❤️
In my situation, I had to totally disconnect from my biological family. I can honestly say my mother never really acted like my mother. I remember on only 2 occasions which she was ever civil to me. I was the emotional punching bag. My father would join in. My sister, when she became aware of what was going on, joined the "fun". I now live 1600 miles away and have been away for the last 35 years. The pain is still there, and I still grapple with it. I was told I was a nothing, a worthless burden, and a liability because of a chronic illness. In order to save yourself and your own mental health, it is necessary to escape this continual trauma, pain, and hurt.... And I did just that.
Same story here; even the words were the same - "you have nothing, you are nothing."
So sad to hear this. I sincerely hope you are well. God bless you.
I've cut everyone out of my life it's lonely but it's peaceful I imagine that I will eventually find happiness 😊
My parents treated and treat me be so bad that I think about ending my own life.
@@beataannanowak659 moving 1000 miles away w no contact helps. If you harm yourself your parents could use it to get attention. Don't give them that. Fully own your life
My mother has NPD and I have been her favorite target for 52 years. The manipulations, the deflections, the guilt trips, the lies, and the attempts to control have been a living hell. I love my mother but I don't like her. I've spent years keeping her at a distance for my own mental health.
Hard choices. I wish you well.
I love my mom too but I don’t like mine either I overstand this issue.
Same age. Same situation. Went no contact 2 yrs. ago. Everyday away from my mother and father is a blessing. Step by step I climb the mountain. Sending loving kindness.
Why would anyone love a person who treated someone like this parent treated their child as described?
If you throw rocks long enough, even a loyal dog will leave. Self preservation takes many forms.
One part that I'm struggling with is finding what I truly want to achieve after finally prying myself away from the toxic family relationships.
And I think I'm so used to being told what i needed to do (which changed all the time and was unstable) that I don't know how to determine my core values or what I really want or like.
Same here. Understand how you feel 100%
my parents always told me what to do, what to study, what job i should apply for etc. Until i was diagnosed with depression from doing things just for the sake of my parents approval. Now im slowly trying to get in touch with my true self and stand firm with all of my personal decisions despite the continuing abuse. I just cant let them control my life anymore. I hope we all can get through this.
My childhood explained, thank you so much for this video!
What I did to heal from my narcissistic mother? I cut the contact completely when I was 15 and engaged into therapy in my early 20s. Unfortunately she did her smear campaigns 20 years ago and succeded, so my whole family is still believing that I was the problem and they still don‘t want any contact.
A lot of positive friendships helped me through that time and now I managed to be succesful and one of the best in my profession and most important: I know myselfs worth.
You can absolutely heal from a narcissistic parent, engage in therapy, try to work hard on that and be patient with yourself.
Thank you for the comment. Be well and take care.
I had to do the same! Cut contact but made the mistake of going back every time she was in crisis. It always ended in disaster and i have become very separated from my family because of my dysfunction. It was a sad reality when i came to realize that my mother never really loved me. The times away from her have always been a time of peace for me and my family. And even though it took 60 years to figure it out, i am glad i finally know the truth so that i can move on. I hope the same for you and all in the same boat.
I started doing "Me" when I was 15 years old and left home. At 25, I moved half way across the country. (my mother was jealous of that.) I became a top achiever in everything that I attempted. I've been a leader in different groups, classes, and organizations. I have no doubt about what a good person I am, and the things I'm able to achieve. I raised my own three children to like themselves, be creative/inventive, and have good ethics and morals. I made sure I hugged them and kissed them a lot (the opposite of my childhood.) I'm always telling them I love them. They are all three wonderful adults. But I have to say... I still feel sad about never being able to be close to my mother, as her daughter. I'm not sure what would ever fix that now, now that she's not here. And honestly, I don't think she would have ever agreed to fix our relationship even if she was here. She was still be narcissistic when she passed away.
Nice job. We all wish to turn lemons into lemonade you did that. I still deal with what I call the FAMILY LEGACY. Its hard to watch but sadly, many refuse to even see it. You can't fix what you won't acknowledge...You are blessed.
If she would be around she would beat you down to your kids and tell them not to listen to you, and try to get their love and respect to get to you. They are evil. You did good to keep her away.
Mine died at 93 and my 30-year-old son told me all the nasty things she would say about me to get him to love her as a mother instead of me. She was a jealous, petty, insecure, gossiping, lying, manipulating, envious, jealous uneducated third grader that had a grandiose sense of self and thought she could be a better politician than Killery Klinton.
@@aristearvanitidis8184 sad to say but you just described my mother!
Kathlyn Black, I was sad for my mother because she didn't love us like I did my kids. She missed out on so much. She's 91 now and less narcissistic with aging - memory loss. I bake her gluten free cookies to help her stay regular and visit with her.
It took me a very very long time before I realised that my mother was a narcissist. A ‘childhood’ for me was spent doing anything I could to have her tell me she loved me, to have her smile at me, to have her hug me or hold my hand. I walked away from her after 42 years and it was then that I learned how wonderful it was not to be living with negativity. It’s taken me another 20 years to analyse, forgive and step forward. What a fantastic life it is because now I do not tolerate what I did for far too many years. I have very few friends because I speak out, people in the main cannot handle honesty and so, I walk away. I choose who I friend. I have 2 wonderful friends and a wonderful husband. My life is now rich and loving 💚
friends are so over rated, Facebook ruined us LOL it makes no sense to have tons of friends, because in my opinion a true friend is nearby and involved with your life on a regular basis, not some digital feedback.
This is true success.
Indeed, like conditional love but never good enough. 😢🌻
You are describing my life. They didn’t care about my grades, they cared about my appearance and controlled me. My father had expectations and I failed them every time. He would scream the house down about anything. Christ.
I’m so sorry for your pain. No one chooses their parents. I think you’re pretty great for sharing this. 👏👏👏
Hi, both my parents were narcissistic, my father is recently decreased, what I find most curious now is how their narcissistic energy fuelled one another, they were almost competitive in their cruelty towards us, v sick. I don't recall ever feeling safe and secure as a child.
Yeah, that’s literally how my mother is.
Sounds like how I was raised. I’m grateful for this content❤️
I was told not to focus on my looks - no makeup as a teen, no fancy clothes. I was told that was because my mother said that her mother focused on that so much and made her dress that way, hair in Shirley Temple curls, etc. In retrospect, however, my mother always looked nice. Not overly put together like she said her mother made her do, but very nice. My friends always said my mother was so beautiful/pretty, but I was never supposed to do that. When I dropped out of college she was upset at first, but then I met a young man who she adored. After two years I decided to return to college, but in a part of the country she disapproved of, and she was not at all happy. Even when I graduated she didn't seem happy at my graduation. She was never happy for me (marriage, etc.) unless she approved.
It sounds like you had a complex relationship with your mother. It can be difficult when our loved ones don't show support and approval in the way we hope for. Remember to focus on your own happiness and achievements, regardless of others' opinions.
My dad didn’t show “love” through material things, he’s actually been scamming money from my sisters and I since we were little, but what he did instead was take us on trips, do activities (that HE wanted to do, didn’t care what I wanted). When I confronted him about how he treated me growing up he said “kids tend to remember things wrong. We had a great time together, we did so many fun things you had a great childhood”
That’s just super sad he thinks I had a great childhood, shows how disconnected he really is from me. My childhood was spent empty and disconnected. And I’m starting to understand why it was like that
My cousin does the same thing to his 4 kids. It's all about what he wants to do. Sad. Those kids will be messed up.
It's mind blowing how oblivious they are to how it really was, yet, try to make you think that it's your memory that is warped.
i get the same B.S from my dad ' i took tou on holidays etc you had a happy childhood you just dont remember it right ' my life was a living hell and he still likes to stick his fingrers in my unhealed wounds, i have a crystal clear long term memory going back to the age of one i KNOW i never got any love off either parent ever !
@@markhall42 😥
He doesn't think you had a great childhood, he's gaslighting you...
I wish these videos had been available 30 years ago!
My siblings and I learned to call each other after talking with our mother. The lies our mother told to manipulate us were very painful until we figured out to call each other immediately after a call from her. She became very angry when she couldn’t divide and manipulate us. It made the lies get bigger.
We never told her of our strategy for combating her lies and manipulation. You do not confront a narcissist! The hell you pay isn’t worth it! Just let them believe they are manipulating a situation and somehow it just didn’t work. Yes, it is its own form of manipulation, but it was all we could think to do.
I’m glad you find the videos helpful and thank you for this comment. I think many people will find value in it.
Wow I wish my siblings had done the same but we are together now., swapping info and gaining clarity.
I have one older brother. We despise each other. Your's is the stuff of brilliance. My narcissistic father won the day.
@@mingmong007 I am so sorry! One of my siblings and I had to go to a counselor to figure out some of the bad dynamics going on between us. Is there any chance your sibling would do this? 💕
@@mingmong007 So sorry :-( stay strong
God this is so validating. My mother is exactly like this, I was even saying to a friend at the weekend that I feel like I can't say she's abusive because she bought me stuff but that's part of it. Thank you so much.
Yes! This! The love bombing here and there would have me doubting my own pain at all of the abuse and neglect the rest of the time. It helps a lot to hear that others went through this and understand.
Spot on
No love just stuff! I went through the same thing. It was extra confusing. My mom would do things for me but take things away in a heartbeat. Everything was always business like instead of love.
Yep! Gifts are the strings they use to yank you where they want you! Their ‘gifts’ always come with a price.
It took me so long for me to realize that my mother is a narcissist. I can relate to everything he mentioned in this video. The most terrible thing to me was growing up with a narcissist mother and (two) abusive stepfathers. I cut contact with my mother 2 years ago and I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time and am finally seeking to get better.
I have always tried to get away from my parents, so 1.5 years ago at the age of 19 I moved across the globe to get away and cut nearly all ties. Best thing I have ever done as I get to heal now.
Exactly. Now you can heal. Same for me, but it took me until my 40’s, that’s how incredibly masterful she was at convincing everyone, including me, that the problem was me! It’s a painful, grieving process to lose connection with your mom, but unfortunately necessary. Sometimes we’re just not able to have a mother like we should
This is the clearest explanation of the damage done by narcissist parents that I have heard. Kudos!
Agree
I agree too.
Helps me to understand myself better ❗️thanks 😎
You described my narcissistic mother to the letter. She is now out of my life for good and now at 50 I am starting to live the life that I want to live, one step at a time. All I ever wanted was to be loved and told that I was and that I am enough.
I was in my 40's, when I began counseling. When Mom learned of this, she phoned me to say: "you better not be up there talking about me"
My parents were terrified when I told them I was going to counseling. They were afraid I would ruin their images in the eyes of my counselor.
@@JillCrato Sad, isn't it