When people say “appreciate your mother because no one will love you like she does”, it makes me sick that people who have NO idea are shaming people who have difficult relationships with their mothers. I’m SO happy for people who are best friends with their mom, but we’re not all blessed with that connection.
"spend as much time with her before she's gone" "you only get one mother" "you'll regret saying that" (i saw this one when someone said it would be harder living with their mom than without...i was the only comment under theirs that was nice...)
So true. Today I just told off a friend... 'please do not say that my mother must love me -- I just do not realize it!" It does make me sick when they try to justify that it was OK for me to be hurt.
@@sharonyash that is so true and i didn't even think of it! if your mom loved you, she wouldn't have hurt you, so them saying she "must" have loved you means it was okay for you to go through that as long as she loved you, which is just plain false
I remember standing in my kitchen with my mother, she said to me " I don't know how you learned to be such a good mother" I whipped around staring her in the eyes and said " I treat my children like I always wanted to be treated as a child", she was finally speechless.
My mother had a narcissist mother, despite of that she treated all of her 5 children with the same respect and care, Unfortunately It was narcistic father....
I could never find a Mothers Day card for my narcissistic mother that was accurate how I felt about her. She always demanded a card and gift, often disliked the gift, and never said thank you. She passed away last year and our family feels free of this negativity
@@coxcox7350 Trust me you ain't seen nothing yet. I will never forgive her for the hell she put me AND my father when he was dying last year. I have PTSD from it.
@@Mezbourian When I was only 26 yrs old, I ended up in a hospital with some infection nobody could figure out. Mother arrived with jars of candied fruit etc... and her face squished like a lemon, very sorry for herself. I told her that the hospital food was really good (true! how much does a bed ridden person need? Was not worse than what mother usually gave me) and asked her to take that stuff back home and not visit again. I really enjoyed the hospital stay, away from her.
If you were raised by a narcissistic and got out of there with your sanity intact then you deserve a Nobel prize, you’re a very strong and resilient human being. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise..
Due to my mother I have no confidence and anxiety. Due to my mother I put other people's happiness over my own and I let everyone use me. The only thing I learnt from her is not to be like her
Yes, same here... I'm proud of myself in my success becoming the opposite of what my mother was as a mother... To stop putting others needs first is still I'm working on in my senior age.
Same. It actually almost becomes difficult to put yourself first even though it's your life. I'm getting tired of feeling like a two-headed person. I'm going no contact soon.
I was on the same boat, but now I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's hard and I still have my days...but you know I keep telling myself, today is another day. I have a chance to improve myself. I pray for our healing. Remember we are the captain of our own ship. Take care.
all the females who have or had loving, present, caring and supportive mothers, you are very fortunate to have experienced this. don't take it for granted.
Saskia Huis f*ck you, you deliberately misrepresented what I said, my point is that being a man it is also REALLY difficult to have a toxic mother, it is not a question of genders, all of us who have the misfortune to have grown up with narcissistic parents have suffered unimaginably , not only women are victims of that. get it now?
I just went no contact with my parents. I am so angry at my mother. All of my trauma is coming out, in nightmares, dreams. All I learned was that my life revolves around serving my mother's needs. She literally taught me that being authentic is unkind, and that you must be fake and look good to other people at the expense of your own well being. Specifically SHE must look good to everyone. I was just a tool to her.
I am 70 my mother is 87. I’m an only child to narcissistic hypochondriac who was pregnant at age 15 thank God abortion wasn’t legal then I still suffer. I moved her to live by us because she needed extra help and she had no family where she was living, she has burned her bridges to her doctors and they wrote her a letter and said they wouldn’t see her anymore. I need to go no contact for my mental health, but every time I decide that she ropes me back in. This afternoon she went into a hysterical fit against me… I am tired of suffering, and not liking myself, because of how she raised me.
My mom is like this. She told me when I was 12 years old that she hated me, wished I was never born, and couldn’t believe I was her daughter. I have spent the rest of my life in therapy and became a teacher for the sole purpose of making sure that if any other kids were treated like me, at least they’d have one female role model in their lives who loved and respected them.
Ok, let's see Paul Alans' card... (i.e. lets hear what your kids will have to say, cause they are the final judges ;))) I mean, how can you be so sure about breaking the pattern without external confirmation?
Does anyone else struggle with memory as a child? There are entire periods of my childhood that I have no memory of and I wonder how related to this abuse dynamic that might be.
Years of my memory are missing. Yes, lots of compounded traumas that I have yet to access. There are some snippets of repressed memories that i was able to access, but it was very brief, short visions. When your body, mind, soul, can no longer keep hidden all of the traumas you endured, you will begin to remember stuff again. For some it takes years, for others it could be decades after the trauma.
I dont have much memory of my childhood either... literally just three or four individual flashes of memory and thats it... however, i didnt have abusive parents etc, on the contrary, i have always felt very loved...not everyone’s long term memory is good though! :)
Are we long lost sisters?!?!? 😱 😆. I have huge chunks of my childhood missing. Therapist said it was a result of severe childhood trauma. I’m 49 now and pieces of those memories are coming back. I’ve done regression therapy and that unlocked a few of my memory file cabinets, but I still need a lot more help with opening up the drawers and file folders. Good luck on your journey!
I'm literally crying watching this video. It really hurts that some of us were deprived a normal kind of life. I hope everyone reading this gets to heal.
@@toasttime9266 I can relate. For me the best thing was little to no contact , and talking to levelheaded people who knew /know what goes on. They could call something out right away . I wouldn’t even see it , And they could say , that’s wrong , that’s not right , that’s unusual …etc. Writing things down is very helpful. I didn’t remember a lot of things , looking back in the book helped me a lot .
biteme its so easy you don't need to go to a store and waste money you can find a very easier solution at home. Just take a piece of blank paper fold it write that on the inside along with "Btw the reason why I didn't write this in a hallmark card is because you're not worth the money, fuck you.".
Yes, it is the one thing that affect people on deep subconsious level that came from likely not just their mother but 2 or 3 generations before her combined, the grief goes very deep.
You are enough. Forgive her. It's her brokenness that invalidated you. It was done to her before she was 3. You can not fix it. You have always been enough she just did it to control you.
@@signsofthetimes6662 I know, it's true. Lately I've been going through internal process of forgiving my ancestors because it is necessary to trasmute this energy, it takes a lot of strength and will power to be consistent with the new path we are on. I know it might still take me years to heal the grief and anger but at least it's a step closer to freeing them up through my understanding. Thank you for your words.
Yeah when I was like 5 or 6 I thought I could fix her by being a good boy I tried SO HARD if I get good grades she will love me and it won’t be my fault that she’s always mad if I could just make her see me she wouldn’t hate me.
My entire life I always thought that my mom treated me worse than anyone else…but she claimed she loved me more than anyone else. This caused so much confusion and feelings I didn’t understand.
@@siumedicalstudent3209 Exactly…they’re always like “oh she’s just being a mom, that’s how moms are.” I told myself if this had been any other person, I’d immediately stop interacting with them. It’s an easy fix. Someone disrespects you or tries to push your button or act as if they don’t like you….just cut the person out of your life. I would not be around someone like her if she wasn’t my mom. It’s so weird sometimes. It’s like she wants to keep me around just to put me down and mistreat me. I’ve known for awhile that I don’t personally like her. I’ve always seen her as a mean bully.
Those are her insecurities. The more confident and well seated within yourself, the worse she’s going to feel about herself. It’s just her weakness. She’s jealous that you’re better than she was at your age. Just ignore it because seems like most women (moms) have the same issue. Might be a hormone thing but it’s not about you. You can feel compassion for her but you are your own person. “So, moms feeling jealous because she can’t lose her own weight as well as I have been able to.” Lots of moms are the same. 🤦♀️ They really do love you - they’re just not perfect human beings and managing through hormone changes is really hard. Try to Have patience & understanding. 💕
I too felt that anger and eventually put in all down in a letter to my narcissist mother. I didn’t feel able to say it to her face and I knew she wouldn’t even listen. I felt incredibly nervous but also relieved when I dropped that letter in the post box. My mother only acknowledged receipt of the letter when I asked her a week later. She was going to ignore it. She was dismissive and flippant about the contents. That was the turning point for me. A loving mother would be distraught that that their child was hurting and they had caused it. I now haven’t seen my mother in person for 4 years and I feel incredibly relieved and no longer feel guilty. She doesn’t miss me. On the rare occasions we speak on the phone, she is respectful to me now. She still occasionally tries to bait me but I ignore her remarks and politely end the call. It worked for me.
@@norfolkenchants8090 OMG, I haven't seen my narcissistic mother in person since December 2013 and am all the better for it. I do have those moments when I feel angry over how she abused me, but I've been handling them better since I cut her off and all her sympathizers for good in November 2018. It's a strategy I highly recommend. Also, I did move 600 miles (960 kms) away from her and her band of sycophants.
OMG, yes! I always got told "how dare you talk back to me and disrespect me like that" and now as an adult I get told "you're so irritating, when I'm angry and we're having an argument you just sit there and don't say anything". Like, WHAT?!
@@hoseki9860 Asking my mom, "why" meant I was talking back to her and I got hit for that. Unfortunately it seemed common for the time I was growing up.
I completed 4.5 years of my medical college and the day results came out, I started crying with joy as all those years of hardwork and struggle had finally paid off and mind you I was going to be the first Doctor in my entire family. At this exact moment, my mom told me to calm the f*** down a little and that I had an exaggerated reaction. She also said “wasn’t it obvious you’d graduate one day since you got in.” I felt shattered. I couldn’t even be happy and proud of myself as she clearly wasn’t. I just wanted my mother to be proud and happy for me and she couldn’t even do that.
It's a tremendous accomplishment to graduate from medical school, let alone being the first in a family to do so. A functioning mother would have whooped and hollered, maybe dance a little happy dance and break out the champagne for a toast. She would likely have given you a graduation gift to commemorate your achievement. She would have been happy and proud and she would have wanted to tell friends and family about it. That's what you deserve. I'm sorry your mother didn't do these things.
The part that hurts the most is when everyone who isn't your mother is more proud of you than she is. almost like your accomplishments don't even matter cuz they don't matter to the one person you want it to matter to.
The day that I, as a young, single mother, after 2½ years of Jr. College, received a merit scholarship to a private, prestigious 4-year university, I called my mother OVERJOYED. Her response? Long silence on the phone, then, dripping with derision, "Well. The proof's in the pudding, honey. How do you expect to pull this one off?" I realized later how every victory I ever had was both a reason for her to be vicious toward me out of jealousy, and also, behind my back, a reason for her to brag to her friends for having raised such a stellar daughter. Ha!
I wish you all the best. I hope you find great friendships and love… We will overcome these strange thing we can’t really talk about with people. All the best to you…
Yes, hugs to all of you. May you have a genuine encounter with the Lord Jesus and may the love of your heavenly Father bring deep healing to your soul. He loves you more than you will ever know.
I'm fourteen years old, and my mother is a malignant narcissist.(And I suspect also a sociopath). I'm the scapegoat. Finding this channel has helped me so much. She abuses me physically, verbally and emotionally, but I thought there was something wrong with me. I believed what she told me and thought I was crazy and feared myself. I'm finally finding that I'm not so alone in what I'm going through. Again, thank you so much. I will try to survive and thrive.
I am so sorry to learn about your pain Slytherin and glad that you found it sooner because the later we know and accept the truth the more we damage ourselves. I wish god gives you enough strength to take care of your self and you become a strong and better adult and have a great life... 😘😘😘
I wish I had known at 14 what I now know at 50. By recognizing the situation for what it is NOW, you wont have to spend YEARS of your life blaming yourself for someone else's hurtful behavior. As a female & a mom to a 20yo young woman, I know how hard the teenage years can be to navigate. Please know that this is also true for people who have solid family relationships. This situation is NOT because of you, and you are not alone! Being a teenager can suck sometimes, but by being here, you have a place that you can feel safe and know that people are listening. I wish I had that back then. Im wishing you the best!!
It is absolutely correct that people judge you when you try to talk about your narcissistic mom. They do judge you and they don’t believe you, generally. It takes a very special person to see the truth.
I agree with you! And these judgmental people can include professional counsellors or therapists! Counsellors and therapists supposedly exude compassion and empathy, but my bitter experience has taught me otherwise.
@@meghan3835 or someone who meets your mom and is whole, healthy and observant enough to see through the facade…. like i said, it takes a special person.
@@fernfunk I don't disagree with you on that. A special person is someone who can professionally recognise the behaviour pattern or someone who has been through the same shit. Any one apart from either of the two categories will not fully be able to grasp the damage. But then again there are exceptions.
I hope I don’t raise my kids like my mother raised me but unfortunately I know that I will inevitably repeat some of her tendencies because I literally don’t know anything else. For example, ‘high’ expectations, are just so ingrained in me as being normal expectations now that I honestly think it’d be a disservice to raise my kids without putting some of those same expectations on them.
@@bluecannibaleyes - I was always compared to my super smart sister and could never live up to those expectations. That was her and not me. While I always want the best for my kids, I only had two expectations of them - don't be bums or drug addicts. They are now kind and productive human beings and they always remembered what I told them. I know they are individuals and not expected to be like each other. To me they are successful.
@Barabara Lynch I’m an only child so I feel like a lot of my feelings of having expectations put on me stems from that. But at the same time, I don’t think her expectations were unreasonable because I honestly would have been a much more successful person in life if I had just done what my parents wanted me to. My mom insists that she has no expectations of me and “just wants me to be happy” but she’s always seemed to be disappointed with me constantly being a loser with no accomplishments and she sees all of my interests and passions as non-productive. I guess she was proud that I got married but at the same time I know my husband isn’t what she would have liked me to pick (I ‘married down’, class-wise). I feel like my feelings of being a failure are justified because I honestly don’t really have any accomplishments in life. I wouldn’t want my children to grow up to be as unproductive as I am, and I feel like some minimal expectations are necessary for raising a successful child.
Good enough would have been enough for me. I'm 56 and it was a crazy mix of crazy damaged family members and parents with alternating fun stuff and gift giving one day yet another being raged at blamed shamed living in anxiety. What I desperately wanted was to be noticed and held and unconditionally have interest and love and protection for who I was, who i am. Shouldn't be that hard should it but they couldn't do it and here we are! The thing I find most galling is not getting support for my subsequent struggles in life. Instead more blame more shame invalidation and gaslighting. I only realised last year. My health is down the drain and it's been a hammer blow. Still at 80, they're as crazy as a box of frogs but call me the crazy one! That's been the final straw. No responsibility and calling me out for being the abnormal one. The grief is huge and im not sure we can recover but we have to try for ourselves and to help each other. Stay safe and keep your chin up we got what we got and it wasn't enough but that's not our fault 😊
@@dreamcatcherismylifesuppor2348 You are far better off knowing this now. Everyone wakes up when they are ready. I’m just more stubborn and took me longer. I consider you lucky. Keep on keeping on.
I spent my whole childhood in screaming matches with my mum. I thought this was normal. It was not. I have just learned they provoke you until they get an emotional reaction out of you and then blame you for it. It feeds into their ego. I had no idea. I just had a memory of her managing to get a screaming reaction out of me as an adult a few years ago and she had this evil smirk on her face like “yes I did it” I hate that woman with everything that’s in me. Therapy and doing research on the internet on this topic is finally making me realise what kind of evil witch “raised” me and why my life has been such a shit show since I could even remember.
Wow I relate to everything you just said. She couldn’t give two craps whether I lived or died. I don’t get why she is this way tho because how can someone be this evil?
The irony is that after they have ruined you for any discernment of what a healthy relationship is, when the adult relationships you wade into inevitably go very badly, they blame you for being so defective. My monster-mom even had the cruelty in her spirit to scream and yell at ME for being physically abused to the point of near death by one romantic partner (in a series of abusers), because my crisis "was fucking up her life, as usual"! It took me 40 years to understand what she was, and after 50 years, I'm still trying to fix the damage she did to me and my life. I hate her!
@@kimberlyeaton4981 My mum top blamed me for my ex partner abusing me and in fact mocked my entire experience and gloated that she’d never been physically abused by a man. She shamed me and called me weak and told me that I would get back with him and this time he’d finish me off 😕 she’d also gone on to say that my daughter would be removed from my care. She rejoices in the idea of me being utterly destroyed and killed. Such hatred towards your own daughter is far from normal but this is all a projection of how much you trigger her because deep down she feels you are much better than her. These tactics are put in place to dim your light and it’s up to us to break the cycle so I’ve not spoken to her in nearly 3 years.
@@ishi1335 How horrible for you! I know that I've raised a beautiful, strong daughter in the complete opposite way that my mother "raised" (more like "razed") me! She started to become a target for my mother's tear-downs by around age 11, and I curtailed that by setting boundaries and walking out immediately and silently with my daughter any time she started. My daughter has refused to even be in her company now for 4 years. We haven't had a word between us for 5 years, and she has punished us by having quit inviting us for family gatherings. She has completely alienated us from all of the rest of the family. Cruel bitch is enjoying this immensely but it's her loss. Her granddaughter is an amazing, lovely young woman ready to graduate university and the monster misses out! I've found people who love and support us to be our new family. I hope for the best for you!
“It’s never enough” is so much how it is with my mom. On holidays, or in general. And every time you do something wrong, everything you’ve done right disappears
You are only this or you are only that!!! I hate all of the manipulation. They feel that they can say whatever they want without caring for the impact and the real weight of their words!
I come home from overseas..2 international flights and 1 domestic ...five times a year to help cook and look after her (she is 97) in her final years...no thank you or looking forward to seeing you or her is $100 to help toward u flights...so ungrateful ...you might get a thank you for a meal but the rest is still gaslighting and playing me off against my sister...no shes not going to change ... I love her...but dont like her at all.
My Narc Mother taught me how NOT to parent. She’s responsible for my inability to establish healthy boundaries with others and accepting abuse silently. I grew up believing that everyone’s happiness is my responsibility. She was so toxic, when she figured out my husband was of the same ‘wavelength’ as her, she’d actually gang up with him to devalue me. I went no contact with her 10 years ago when she put my kids’ life in danger to enable and score points with another Narc. The damage she had done was enough for me to hold on to my resolve. A very happy Mother’s Day to you, Dr Ramani, and to all the mothers here 💐💕
Thank you, to you, too! Mine is the very same, but I didn't cut her off. She is 85, lives in a different country... We meet once per year for several weeks, but even that is more than enough. Still manipulating me, clashing me and my brother against each other, bond with my husband to gain points, complaining all the time. However, my daughter has a good relationship with her. Maybe because she also lives several miles away? ☺
I remember being in the 5th grade and not eating lunch for weeksssss so I could buy my mom this nice purse from Walmart I was so excited and couldn’t wait to give it to her . I got yelled at and accused of stealing the money she gave me to eat with she never wore it ever I wanna cry typing this and I’m 28 😩
Being empathic (as a 22yr old male) is hard for people too understand these situations. But it’s really something deeper too learn if you see between what’s happening. I’m sorry this happened but I guarantee you’ve seen growth in yourself .
I remember being 21 (36 y.o. now) and studying abroad (got a scholarship) and returning to my native country for my mother's birthday just before the end of the summer break. I was working part time and had saved enough money to buy her a nice present, it was a pair of leather gloves and matching scarf in her favourite colour. At her dinner party with my father and sister she unwrapped my gift and basically started crying and yelling, telling everybody how inconsiderate I was, buying sth in my favourite colour, knowing she'd feel obliged to tell me to keep the gifts for myself. It was mind boggling to me, since I've never particulary liked burgundy red while her wardrobe was full of it. Nobody in my family dared speak up and she even made sure my gifts were in my luggage when I left. I later donated those things to charity because I couldn't stand looking at them. When I was much younger, I think nearly seven and in school, I broke my arm and told nobody because I wanted to finish the Christmas card we were making in class. When it was done, my schoolfriend told our teacher and she immediately informed my mom. She came to pick me up and took me to the hospital. I gave her my card and she threw it right in the garbage can under my eyes, telling me nobody needed sth so ugly and that it was my fault, she had to leave work early that day and that whatever pain I felt, it was down to my stupidity and not being able to take care of myself. Yeah, that stuck, I must say. I only recently realized there is a pattern and a name to her behaviour. 😔
Hey friend. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would wear it. Move on from her and don't look back. Get ready for the rest of the family to turn on you. Stay the course. Keep watching Dr. Ramani's videos and do the assignment s. I'm rooting for you. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Just read your comment on narc mother. It made me want to cry. Even though I had a covert mom who was never happy. Living a good life is the best revenge.
Yes, it really is oddly freeing when you finally have an explanation. Even if no one in your life gets it, at least you do. And you don't have to ride that roller coaster anymore.
@@eej1983able same here, it is feeling like a bit relief and you finally discover what this abuse is called and you finally know that you were not crazy at all....and you recognize here on this page what other people experienced is the same you have experienced! So thankful for this channel 🙏
My best friends mother died last year, they were very close. While at the memorial I realized that, while I did have sympathy, my overwhelming feeling was envy. Envy that she had a mother that loved her in a way that at her passing, her loss was mourned.
I, too, have felt envy over the mother-daughter relationships of my friends. Many have lost their mothers now, with great grief. I have no concept of how painful that would be. I feel nothing for the woman who made sure I knew that she resented every breath I took just because she birthed me.
In my experience these people suffer terribly when they lose their mums and never get over it. So, Although we were deprived of that nurturing love and that hurts so much, at least we develop independence, strength and resilience as a result. That’s how I like to think of it. I am who I am because of her poor parenting and in a sick way I can thank her for that.
Is mothers day for narcissistic women ? Just because two people got together & had sex , doesn't mean I need to worship them. They need to act right & earn my respect...
Sorry, I had to delete my reply. I lean towards non-humour with the irony of this whole phenomena but your remark just hit a 'funny' nerve 😬 I wish you well 🙂💖✨🌈
It really isn’t Mother’s Day is about celebrating women who support and unconditionally love their children emotionally and physically. narcissistic mothers neglect their children’s emotional needs and verbally abuse them. It takes more than pushing a child out of your vagina and feeding me and clothing me as an innocent child to get the respect they believe they deserve.
This is my mom. I was the scapegoat, so I was rebellious. She couldn't control me, so she absolutely hated me. This is why I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure my daughter knows I love her UNCONDITIONALLY ❤❤
@@Brandi_. I used to wish my childhood was better, but I think it makes me a better mom. It showed me how I don't want my children feeling and exactly what not to do.
ah huh. And when your daughter grows up, she will be so secure about your love for her that she will ignore you and take you for granted. I don't know, maybe kids also need to know that they should be worthy of your love.
I've finally realized my mom has only cared about her kids taking care of her, she doesn't care if I have a life, especially because I'm the single older daughter in the family. I could never imagine my daughter giving up a life to take care of me. I've totally lost any interest in a relationship with my mom. I'm there for her doc appts but I changed my life to ensure I'm not her servant for the rest of my life. Yes, she has now said I have been the problem child all along. Meanwhile I'm the one that made her life easy by taking care of my dad when he was sick in his last seven years. No more.
I could have written this myself. My mother was constantly making sure I take care of her and my disabled brother. All the while saying to me “ I feel sorry for you when I get old”. I finally told her enough and have been no contact for 6 months.
I find myself trapped in this very same relationship. I have had to move in with my mum after my divorce (I’m 48, 2 adult kids) and she is slowly sucking the life out of me. Financially I’m stuffed. I feel trapped and my resentments are building up and up.
@@MamaLinz123 Today I got sucked in yet again and got my feelings hurt which is what brought me here. I’ve never been more hurt and felt more disrespected. I don’t believe there was any genuine care or love for me, it was only always what I could do to help. It sucks and I hope we heal 🙏🏽
I'm no contact with my narc mother, and this is the way it will be for the rest of my days. I'm 34 and am still recovering from the 33 yrs of abuse she gladly put me through. I'll never show appreciation for anyone of her caliber. If you've never walked in my shoes, you will never understand no one deserves a MONSTER for a parent, so to all survivors keep thriving!!!!
you are so right! No one deserves a monster of a parent and I wish you all the best in life concerning healing and recovering from this abuse, it is so sad to read all these comments, but I am glad that I can learn from other people who also had a narcissistic mother. I recognize so much abuse
Don’t give in. She’ll sweet talk you to come visit her and then it will start all over again and then you’ll feel guilty and mad at yourself that you fell for her tactic again. You’ll feel like you have to start your happiness all over again. (You need to change your cell number or block her)
@Elana Hammer: Yes they are, and I should know this by now. Unfortunately, I still find myself feeling drawn to someone who can't offer me what I want, and he doesn't see my value. I keep trying, hoping for some sign that he cares about me (because I care about him)... but deep down knowing it's a waste of time. Kinda' like my relationship with my mom!
This was my saving grace in high school. Realizing that her version of mothering is what you never do to any child or being you love. Good on you for seeing that silver lining and knowing you are worth so much more than you've been shown.
You're way ahead of me, then. I never even knew what the conditions were, only that I wasn't meeting them. I suspect she was just making up the conditions as she went along.
I've been no contact with my narcissist mother for 6 years. My holidays are great. Those of you who are scared to go no contact, do it. It's freeing and your health problems and psychological problems will get so much better. You can do it!
It doesn’t make me feel isolated when other people share warm sentiments about their mother, but it angers me when those same people fail to understand that’s not everyone’s reality. As a child, I believed the abuse was “my cross to bear”. I was constantly trying to please her hoping she wouldn’t be abusive to me but the abuse never stopped. It took decades before I realized I could simply walk away from the abuse and my abuser. Estrangement has been my savior! Happy Mothers Day to those mothers that are truly deserving.
Especially when they say "but she's your MOTHER", like we're evil for judging, and that somehow anyone who is a mother must be inherently full of goodness. 💀
Unfortunately many people are very ignorant and will actually witness you being abused but deny that fact, if you speak up you will be dismissed with ` but thats your mother` `you are a bad person for saying lies about your mother` ` she could never do that, i dont believe you` simply because in many peoples mind, once a women wears the title of MOTHER, she has some unquestionable universal immunity to ever being questioned about wrong doing, is above reproach, can never be wrong or bad or seen as abusive......This kind of thinking aids the abuse and silences the victim by family, friends, society as nobody will believe you if you tell!
Autumnpixx ASMR - yeah .. when I tell my friends what my mother does to me .. they just don’t believe.. bcoz their mothers are capable of unconditional love
Grew up hearing “ when I die you will miss me” every time I didn’t want to do what she wanted me to do!! As a little kid those words was so harsh on me because I didn’t want to lose her and regret not making her happy ! I
Same here now that iv been taking care of me she say I'm dying and u will miss me I no longer visit her and iv been in therapy I'm 55 and me trying it's over
My mother said out of the blue a few days ago, "You know, you have always been a disgusting worm.". She is 92 years old and I am 62. It seems they get worse as they get older. I limited my contract with her years ago.
I didn't realize my mother had narcissistic qualities until I was in my early 30s. Up until that point, there were times when I just couldn't stomach speaking to her and I couldn't hide it. Then she'd go crying to my dad about how mean I was to her and I'd get a lecture from him about treating my mom better. Looking back on it now, I now realize that I was a helpless child that was robbed of any agency - she was making herself look like the victim to get narcissistic supply from my dad. That disgust I felt was a natural gut reaction to her years of covert abuse, but having those feelings for her would end up making me feel incredibly guilty because I'd get lectures from so many people about how I need learn to treat my mom like a queen for giving me the gift of life. You can imagine what this experience can do to a developing brain that is only just beginning to figure out self-perception. I constantly felt like there was something wrong in the way I was conducting myself and that I was deeply flawed as a human being. I've gotten into some crazy situations as an adult and I think this upbringing had made me a target for being used and abused by people. It's incredibly sad to be living your life in such a destructive manner for 30+ years thinking that there was something wrong with me. The worse for me was that all of my mom's siblings took out their deep hatred towards my mom out on me as a child so I just didn't have anyone to turn to. I haven't spoken to her in over 5 years and she continues to make herself out to be the victim with people we mutually know, at which point I get the same lecture about respecting my mother more from them. I really do hope that people read this and think twice before guilt tripping a loved one into speaking to a family member. I know that some of you are just trying to help or mend a broken relationship, but some of these situations are really toxic and you may not realize what it's like because you had a more normal upbringing so this dynamic may be beyond your realm of understanding. I too wish I had a loving, present mother, but that was not my story and we all cope with this in our own ways - often times to protect ourselves for any more hurt than we have already experienced. I mourn almost everyday for not getting the love that I needed as an child and struggle to figure out how to fill that void every day of my life.
I can very much relate to this! I remember thinking as far back as I can remember that there was something wrong with me. Also your last sentences, I experience this daily as well.
I too have gotten myself into some crazy situations as an adult. It is a direct result of the trauma bond conditioning as a child. I have had blurred boundaries and the results have not been good
I feel this so deeply. I, too, have had to grieve the loss of a mother, even though she is still alive. She spins the most poisonous web but she somehow is always the victim.
I’m very sorry for your loss… childhood is precious and your mother should be the one to make it so. You and I have similar stories… my dad still comes to my moms defense knowing she is wrong. I’ve been kicked out of their home multiple times for upsetting her. They’ve threatened to “change their will” so that I can’t receive an inheritance. They’ve even turned family members against me as a response to me upsetting her. You’re very brave to have cut off your mother. I fear the retaliation too much to do that yet. Especially hearing from people how great she is and how terrible I am for treating her in such a way. I’ve gotten that lecture too, even from people I didn’t know. Anyway, thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but I’m comforted by the shared qualities of our stories.
This is me except my mom runs to my sister. I thought we were close but I realized her relationship with me was out of guilt and not genuine love. The moment I cut my mother off she cut me off too. I've struggled with feeling like I was a problematic loose canon all my life until faith played a role in redeeming my identity. But I'm at a place now when people bring up respecting my mother, forgiveness, and love.... my response is going to be miss me with your forced positivity bullshit. I think that's what worsened the self condemnation , it was the people that dismissed my hurt and told me that it was me. The people who said "some people don't have a mother"
I don't celebrate Mother's day! I gave up as a kid. Nothing was ever *good* enough which only destroyed me as a kid! 💔 Holidays are something I generally hate except Halloween...When you have a narcissist in your life, it gets pretty easy I find to hate holidays...
May anyone who has experienced this be blessed in your healing. When I was 7 years old, I purposely got left at a Walgreens for over 3 hours. I remember running after the car as my mom drove away; I knew that she could see me running to her in the review mirror. Nothing had happened for her to do this. I wasn't misbehaving or anything. Also, we lived over 30 min. away and she drove home without me with no intention to go pick me up. When my older sibling got home she asked were I was and my mom told her she left me at Walgreens. My sister went to pick me up and I remember feeling so relieved when I saw her drive into the parking lot. I am 37 years old now and I still to this day have never been so terrified, alone, rejected, and confused in my entire life. It took me well into my mid twenties to even tell this story. I still have only told 2 other people about this, one being my husband. Please pray for me as I'm still trying to heal, thank you... 😔 My dad also committed suicide on my mom's birthday when he was 38 years old. I'm not trying to be a pitty part, I just still have hurt and I can sympathize with anyone exposed to so much meaness and neglect. May you all be blessed. 🙏🌼
Hi,please don’t apologise for telling this story,you need to talk about it to heal.I pray that you get to experience true peace and love in your life.you deserve it
A.777 Praying so you may find peace and joy. You had a terrible mother but life goes on. Seek therapy and distance yourself from people like this including your mother. Live the present and look forward to the future, live with gratitude for all the good things and focus on those. I too had a mildly narcissistic mother, she was toxic yet somehow I knew she loved me underneath all her pain. She had a terrible childhood with a horrible mother. Her traumas got to her and she tried constantly to be a good mother yet she didn’t have a good example. I decided to give her grace. She would tell me I owed everything to her, every sacrifice as a mother she did for me. I now had to pay her with caring for her and taking care of her every need even though I had my own family. I did. She lived with me and my family being a horrible grandma, she damaged my oldest(I didn’t know this until now that she is 19)she died in my home in her sleep. My mother hated her life and lived in her sorrows, she walked with a dark cloud over her head and gave up on herself for the last 30 years of her life. Sorrow and hate took her health for those 30 years. When she died I cried for 2 days, than I was free and in peace…I know now she is also at peace.
You're mums a total dick. You are in my prayers. I pray you find the bestest version of yourself like me. You deserve so much more beautiful sunshine 😘😘💚💚💚💚💚
@@wendymeyung5093 woah, my values wont permit me to do that with my mother. "Life goes on" don't need to be a reason for "forgiveness". Real forgiveness does not always have to result in reconciliation. Even If you can empathize with their past or with them.
Patty Stodola My siblings also joked my mother would destroy anything .We really tried to please her ,nice restaurants ,meals in our homes ,she just wrecked everything .The ultimate was babysitting our 3 year old son , she left him at the park .That was too much ,it could ended in disaster
@Patty Stodola I can totally relate. If I came home excited about anything it would get squashed in a second. I've always though our family crest should be, walking on eggshells, raining on a parade and bursting a balloon.
I’m 35 and always knew deep down but just really had enough the past year. Even moving out of state she suffocates me constantly. I’ve been trying to create boundaries but she terrifies me. Not physically but just being upset with me. It’s exhausting
Agree. I'm just now, aged 43, taking in this stark new perspective, thanks to the lens Dr Ramani has gifted us. There's so much that makes sense now! It's freeing and horrifying, but I can't help but feel this is the start of a new way. I'm so thankful for that!
My mother is a covert narsissist and her need for approval and admiration makes me vomit. Days like Mother's day are THE days for her, the days when she can boast about being an amazing mother to her WONDERFUL children, when in truth, she has harmed me more than any other person in the planet and I have had to work so much to get over even half of that. Sending her greeting cards and talking about gratefulness just seems so far away from my experience. Worst part about is that my mother truly believes that she is absolutely amazing and nothing will compare to how amazing mother she is and how delightful it was to be a mother to her....
My Ex was like that. The most toxic woman I have ever met. Never was responsible for any of the wrongdoings she did. Always a victim. Bursts of unprovoked anger and the most manipulative bitch ever. She alienated our daughter against me from age 3 to 11 and I never saw her again after that. She is now 15 and her whole life will be a catastrophe as she has no sense of worth because always brought down by her beloved mother. She will be an ideal prey for pimps and abusers. Thanks a million Super mom!
I went no-contact with my mom (actually I think it was 3 years ago, I don't keep score of that) and she sent me a mother's day card with a pic of her and me (when I was younger). I cried a little, cuz pics trigger memories / emotions w/e. I never replied and still haven't talked to her since. She's dead in my mind.
That's exactly what I experienced. She would say things and judge other people on the topic of parenting, that you would think, she is a saint. When in reality it was the complete opposite.
Yep the need for approval and admiration is high on those days, like you have play along or you risk bursting their bubble and you'll get rage and silent treatment instead if you dare burst the illusion. Horrible gaslighting every mothers day where you have to even gaslight yourself and say it's not so bad etc.
My mother was like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. And, I'm not joking when I say that -- the crazy fits, the tone of voice, the manipulation. It was all so accurate.
@@SuzkaMares haha thank you! I would lock myself in my room as a kid after being abused and played instruments to escape from the pain so that’s where the talent comes from.
I often wonder how different my life would be if I had a mother who actually loved me... who didn't abuse me or steal from me.... who didn't use me... who didn't sabotage me. The hurt in me runs so deep. Even five years out from cutting ties I'm still broken and affected. I'm still judged by and hated by my whole family.
@@morgandawn6413 Darling ... I don't even know you. I am a stranger but I can feel what you have. To be in peace with what you have, I think you do not focus on the bad luck, athough the journey you have been throung isn't easy. I am glad you TRY finding ways to heal your wounded but beautiful soul. I pray for your success, happiness, good luck, good health. I am sure you will soon be there. Hang on for awhile. May I share this video fb.watch/20_LTyI5H0/ . You need to love yourself first, be confident, and be strong 🤗🌹. Good luck, son! English is not my first language, I hope you understand what I meant. Best of luck to you 🌹❤.
So sorry for you , I have often felt like you too Morgan, my mom now has altzheimers , and doesn't remember that I was the "invisible child" or that my sister was the "golden child" , she can barely remember our names,...its easier this way for me, and a bit freeing .
Most narc parents do that. They swear up and down that their children are the narcissist and even still that narcissistic (toxic) behavior had to develope over time from someone...Be careful though: You may not be a narc yourself but you can unintentionally carry toxic traits from your mom.
Same with me. I am a really rational person and don´t show emotions often (esp. in front of my mom as i apparently feel the wrong feelings all the time lol). so my mother always accuses me of being cold hearted, a bad person, not empathic, etc. and i actually used to think that she was right, i was so manipulated. I only recently realized, that i am way too empathic and always want to make people happy etc. (because i don´t want anyone to experience what i went through) and i only rationalise as a coping mechanism! And i always believed her that she is suuuch an empathic and kind person and always wants the best for me blabla, and now i really wonder how i ever fell for this. If she really was like this, she would have never ever treated me and my siblings the way she did and does.
@J Funny, I just read that, of all possible coping mechanisms, narcissists employ projection more than any other. Thanks for sharing your story (and the empirical knowledge!).
Wow! So very true. Didn’t know I was permitted to have my own feelings or that they mattered until I was in my 40’s. All my life was spent monitoring others peoples sorrow and how to help them. Finally learned to say NO in my late 40’s. I was the worlds best doormat.
I don't know how but my daily mission (in my 40's) became about helping my mom and sister. I had a growing family at the time, and everything was cool with my own family. But my mom and sister needed help, usually connected to money, all of the time. I was so busy raising two little kids that there were times I didn't even drag out the boxes of the "seasonal change of clothes", i.e, my summer clothes. I remember during that period of time. Our washing machine was located downstairs in our house. It was Christmas time. The mechanism that "shuts off the water when the washer fills" didn't work and we had water everywhere in our family room, downstairs bedrooms, etc. We had to call a crew in, they ripped the carpet up, they placed huge fans. It was awful. We bought a top of the line washer and dryer. My sister said to me, very snottily, "What does it do?" I said, innocently, "Well, the dryer spins around every once in awhile if I don't get down there right away to take the clothes out". Her answer, "It must be nice not to have to worry about your electricity bill". Repeat: Christmas season. Water everywhere. Ruined carpet. Lost the month of December. She didn't see that. She was only bothered by the fact I got to have a nice washer and dryer. Example of mother at same time period: Our house was a starter house. It was built in the 70's. Our door handle (the original) was wearing out. We found out we needed to hire a carpenter and put in a whole new door. My mom was highly upset with me because I was getting a new door. That was 25 years ago. Has anything changed? No.
My mom's favorite saying out of many, "You gonna need me something, just wait". This mental block had me living low because I was afraid off failure, which she often spoke into my life too. Soon as I moved away to a different state, I became far more successful than I've ever been. In 3 years, I built 2 businesses (Get a REAL job), and I'm the first to build a brand new house, and I own the biggest house in that family. Of course she fabricated new reasons to justify her hate. Heres to 2022, a year of positivity.
I moved away a few years to get away from my family. Well my mom and one sis who drove me nuts. It was the best 5 years of my life. I moved back home and I am once again miserable at my moms manipulative behavior. I am thinking of moving out of state again just for peace of mind
Dr. Kim Sage ...yes !..But then some realize that she will NEVER be what her want her to be...and that would be REAL+unselfish etc ! It will never be " functioning or normal". For some of us who were adopted it is even more disturbing...
@@jengable4888 You are so right, it NEVER will be functioning or normal and working on accepting that truth can be hard to do, but so healing. I can only imagine how even more disturbing and confusing it can be around adoption, and I am sure there are many who would so deeply support what you experienced. Thank you for sharing this, because I am doing a lot of work on talking about childhood and parenting, and this makes me think I should also be talking about adoption too. 💕💕
Ugh I feel this daily. The anxiety and depression and grief. I tend to cry when I see an appropriate example of a loving relationship between a mother and their child and didn’t fully understand why. Now I do.
Yes - like grieving for someone who has died. It might be helpful to consider tools for grief? Teal Swan will no doubt have some things you can implement to work through the pain and loss. Because it is a loss of sorts x
I’m 62. The Mom finally died last month. I’ve cut my vicious, narcissistic sister out of my life now that my B mom died. I wish I had not let my sister manipulate me into taking care of her during her decline and death. I’m disabled, I have a chronic autoimmune disease and I could only do so much and stress is the number one trigger. December was like a nightmare I could not wake from. I’m currently sick and exhausted. But Dr. R is helping me.
It's wise to cut toxic people out of your life. They generally don't add anything positive. They also are a never ending drain on your emotions and finances. :)
My mother does not deserve any acknowledgement on Mother’s Day or any other day! It was never my fault, even though she wanted to make me believe otherwise. Sick!!
I had a mother who was never satisfied with Mother's Day. It made no difference what we did for her or gave her as a present. She was pretty much that way towards her children, too; for example, we were never successful enough, attractive enough, or talented enough, etc. Every holiday was a nightmare: she would start criticizing about small issues after we had driven many hours to be with her. Finally, I decided to quit feeding her ego. That made Mom really angry, so she gossiped about me to everyone. She died without us ever reconciling, but I realize there is never a happy ending in a narcissistic relationship, so I had to save myself.
My narcissistc mother died alone in a nursing home on December 13, 2019. I had went no contact with her in 2009. I had gotten to the point where I was chasing love which just wasn't there. I accepted her for who she was, I forgave her and I went no contact because being in a relationship with her was like being in a relationship with a cardboard cutout. There was nothing genuine about her and every attempt I tried to do or not do to get close to her always ended up toxic. So, I picked myself up, stopped chasing an illusion and walked away. I never got genuine love from her, so I mourned my loss and learned to love myself. The woman just wasn't capable of genuine love.
@Daisy351 There comes a point in time where you stop and you realize that your needs matter. I learned the hard way that I never mattered to this woman. I was either a burden or an object there to serve her needs. Trust me, they don't care if your gone. They'll replace you with another source of supply because they are incapable of genuine love or emotional attachnent. Sorry to say but that's just who they are.
Me too, tried so hard to please her all my life, yet no matter what i did, i was never good enough, smeared me, lied about me to everyone, broke our family and turned everyone againste me, made herself to be a victim, got her flying monkeys to harass me and find out info about me, did bad stuff to hurt my life, always jealous, saying hurtful cruel things to see me hurt and cry......very sick women, i forgave her and moved on, no contact for a super long time now......its like mourning the death of someone you loved so much but who didnt give one damn about you! her loss not mine!
@@Kim-vs4vb In the end they destroyed themselves. Their lives are horrible. Their default emotion is shame and disgust for themselves. All the pain that she inflicted upon you was How she felt inside herself 10 times over? In fact looking back at my mother's life. She was filled with nothing, but rage anger And I believe that's because she could not find Any balance or stability in her life was forever struggling with relationships Not to mention that she was on welfare her entire life Always angry at everyone. Meanwhile, why don't you get a job Then you would not be so frustrated in life. And then she would say no. I can't I mentally Disturbed and I have all these physical ailments. I'm crazy. I have tubes and things in my body. And then tell me that there's something wrong with me. Not to mention the fact that she had absolutely no morals. Was ridiculously violence and impossible to be around. But yet she played the victim. Did not take long to get her out of my life. The embodiment of Pure Evil yet. She according to her is the victim.
@@greenspider1598 unfortunately we had to grow up like this, but i choose to not be a victim yet i was one by the one who claims to be the victim...the irony of it all!
A long time ago I figured this one out. Sentimental cards were no good because I knew they were lies. So did she. I settled on the funny cards. They're not sentimental but they fulfill the obligation of giving some kind of card. She never gets the jokes anyway.
I hate mothers day! Nothing is ever good enough and it feels like an awful obligation I'd rather not be a part of. It's never a day for me and my kids.
Is that the truth or what? When you learn from reading GREETING CARDS what a mother is supposed to be like. No wonder I always bought blank ones and wrote my own message.
Yes. The grief over knowing you’ve been robbed of a true, loving and supportive mother is very real. The good thing is, there are many people who come into our lives to be our “mother”…and we can learn to mother ourself. 💖
Amen to that! They may have treated us horribly, but it's up to us to stop those cycles and to heal ourselves. Someone above said, "Because of my mother I am _________", to which I would say, "Honey, allow that to start being in the past and decide that you're going to start changing NOW, because it's up to you to take the wheel of your own life and choose a new direction and destination." And yes, the grief is real. There's no denying that. I've been crying for pretty much the whole week leading up to tomorrow (Mother's Day 2023). But, even though it's so so painful being "no contact" and not being able to pick up the phone and call her, I'm better off without her emotional abuse or the many "accidents" that her bad juju brought into my life.
I’ve isolated for awhile now and I’m beginning to Self Actualize and becoming Happier. It all started with reparenting myself. 1: Know Yourself(Years of Gaslighting caused Self Doubt) 2. Stop Comparing Yourself to others(due to constant comparisons made by NMom) 3. Making and Maintaining Eye Contact(Anxiety caused by NMom and Covert Sis) 4. Smiling(Narc Family was offended by my happiness during childhood) 5. Setting Boundaries(This pretty much keeps toxic folk from entering) Practicing these 5 steps has helped me to become the person I was always meant to be.
oh my dear! You have hit the nail on the head for me with no 4 and 5 ! How they hate our happiness!!!! I was a happy bubbly child till they skinned it off me.
This is so handy, thank you! I especially am prone to struggling with 1 and 2. Your cheatsheet makes it so much easier to get clarity and perspective -- part of the self-actualization process.
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 10 yrs because of this type of behavior. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I finally feel good about myself and free.
Do you still talk to your siblings or father? I feel angry at them for not choosing my side more actively and also mildly abusing me sometimes because of this fake image shes created about me. :( i feel like trying to get them on mt side is just a petter battle. But honestly without my family i feel depressed like i miss my dad and siblings sometimes a lot. And even my mother sometimes...the good times but i know her No Contact is non negotiable for me. Just wondering if i should go no contact with them all???
@@HighPriestess-mq5hc Unfortunately, both my father and only sibling committed suicide. That's one of the main reasons I stopped speaking to her. I'm sorry but I don't feel qualified to answer your question.
@@donna6368 I don't want to come across as insensitive, but were their suicides in anyway influenced by your mom? If so that is truly heart breaking. I'm married with kids and I recently separated from my mom. it legit felt like an entire divorce with a custody battle for her grandkids. But the way my self esteem and overall quality of life flourished I couldn't believe I was under such bondage. I'm still praying for my sister, she has chosen to stand against me with my mom. We were best friends and it felt like a death when she cut me off.
@@RearviewWisdom You're not being insensitive at all. My Father had already left the marriage so that's a no for him. My brother left behind a letter stating she was the reason he was taking his life. He could no longer handle with her behavior, blackmailing and constant interference in his marriage. I just wish I would've known what was going on. At that point I had already started to back off from her because of how invasive she was becoming in my life. I'm sorry that your sister is siding with your mom. Please don't let that bring you down. Continue to live your life with happiness and "freedom". 💗 Hopefully one day your sister will realize why you stepped away.
This is my mother Carol Haub from Jeffersonville, Indiana. I tried to make her happy from childhood. Straight A’s were not enough. I took on her parental responsibilities for my siblings, cooking, cleaning and taking care of her emotions. She robbed me of my childhood. Finally gave up and went no contact with her in 2008. She is a very disturbed individual. Finally have peace.
Let me sum up Mother’s Day with a little story: Pavlova Perfume was launched in 1977. At that time it was very expensive and difficult to find. You had to go to the most exclusive department stores to find it. Even at that young age, I had already given up on trying to please her and dreaded having to look for something that I knew wasn’t going to be appreciated or would receive some backhanded compliment, but my Dad was undaunted. I remember him seeing in the newspaper and whispering to me that were going to get some to surprise my Mother. I was reluctant but he was insistent, so off we went. Found the expensive perfume. Was told told it had just arrived from Paris (literally saw the sales girls taking out of international shipping containers). Had it professionally wrapped. Next day, Happy Mothers Day! She opens the box. First words? “Oh. Perfume. Thank you.” I was expecting it so I didn’t care, but my Dad was incensed. I think that was the first time he was exposed to the true mother I saw daily. He called her on it and she laughed embarrassed and began gushing over it after he told her all the trouble and expense he went through to get it. I just gave him the “welcome to my world” look and went to my room. I miss my Dad. Narcissistic mothers are exhausting.
I had a similar experience. She was/is hard to shop for. I bought her concert tickets for her birthday one year (I was a young adult guilty that I had not ever been able to do something for her). She sold the tickets because “concerts are a scam, the artists always stop singing and ask the audience to.” This was over 20 years ago; last year, she bought tickets to see the same artist I had bought her tickets for all those years earlier.
I could never win with giving my mom gifts. When I started earning my own money, she would always point out that I had spent money. Controlling the money was always a huge deal for her. And she hated the fact that she no longer had control over that. Gifts reflected that in a big way.
"If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy" I always thought that was...unhealthy to think that way. But I didn't realized quite how fucked up (and true to life) that statement is.
The constant walking on eggshells with my narc mother is exhausting..so scared she will flip her switch at any given moment..the rages are the worst..the things she has called me throughout my life are unforgivable...but I still motor on and pretend to enjoy her at times..now I know how she is I do not allow the tage..name calling to bother me..I understand it's part of her sick twisted brain..so glad I got my dad's genes and brain!!
I'm 66 and didn't realize my mom was a narcissist until about a month ago. She was big on punishing and guilting for pretty much everything. My brother (15 mo. older- also a narc.) was her favorite. She often reminded me that my birth was an accident, that I owed her for my very existence. I spent most of my life trying to repay the "debt" but never seemed to get it right. I never mourned her death & that's always bothered me.
Please Sally don’t let that bother You , you can never mourn , what U never had ! I was 60 now 62 when I realized My Mom was Demon possessed! I want shed a Damn Tear when She dies ! It will be the greatest relief I’ve ever felt ! She’s 84 and still as Hateful and Mean as ever ! What a Sad life! I just recently closed on my dream home 🏡 and She has literally wrote Me out of Her life because I’m living My Dream ! How f- - ked is that ?
Yes. I never realized that a parent making their child believe that their very existence is a debt that can never be repaid was not normal until a few weeks ago too.
The older I get, the more I become less bothered by Mother’s Day. I’m free from guilt gifting & feeling obligated to do things that I don’t feel are deserved. This day will be sweeter when I have children of my own, but for now I choose to not acknowledge this day at all.
Lucky for you, I sit down and ponder to myself why should I even wish her a Mother’s Day. My mum ( I’m not even proud of calling her that ) is a sociopath, manipulative and evil woman. She will go to any length to see those who are a threat to her destruct. Any time it’s Mother’s Day I chose to keep quiet and ignore the day. When I get my kids I will never let my mum know or expose my kids to her because I have to protect my kids from her. If I begin to tell you what she did wrong to me and other relatives... she is like the Caligula to all other mums in the world. I’m ashamed of her 100 percent
My mom never really appreciated anything I made or bought for her. I would be scolded for buying her stuff because of “wasting money,” but when I didn’t get her anything, I was accused of not caring about her.
I got verbally punished when I bought her gifts (because for her, nothing is enough and appropriate) and shunned/guilted when I didn't buy her anything. Recently, I stopped trying but she still gives me HELL when I get something nice for myself or for others. Even when I hide the gifts if she finds out she will punish me in an indirect way.
I gave up trying to please my mother around the age of 10 or 11. That's when I realized that My mother was a miserable person Years upon years of her doing everything she could to make me feel uncomfortable and humiliate me in front of people. Just made me want nothing to do with her anymore.
@@ZestyAqua I would like to think that I am no longer a victim and now a survivor. Still Mother's Day has a different meaning for me than most people. She Was a monster rest in peace?
@@greenspider1598 Rather thrive than survive. But, I'm glad you are in the process of healing from you Momster. It really hurts more the emotional side. You actually don't have to forgive it's a myth. She took peace away you are taking it back. Did you mother drive friends away? Devalue you? Made it impossible to have people around?
@@ZestyAqua to tell you the truth she was at one time she was arrested for murder but got out of it master manipulator and pathological liar and always played the victim but was pure evil a demonic entity that I called mom
Realizing that your parents aren't capable of love was such a hard realization that I couldn't accept it until recently. I knew she made me feel terrible and my life would go to pieces whenever I had regular contact with her, my mind could not accept the why. I can accept the thought of nonexistence easier than that. Even writing this makes me feel ashamed.
As they say, you can choose your friends, not your family! You MUST look after yourself. If your parants are upsetting you in any way then you must set boundries and if needs be, not see them as much if at all. Only when you take control can you really heal. If my mum didn't have cancer then I would have walked away by now. I'm in the process of distancing myself from her and i'm ready to set some boundries. If she keeps saying the crap she says then I won't see her for a period of time. I'm all she has and she will die a loanly old woman if she's not careful!!!
Do not ever feel ashamed for sharing a very real, true part of your life. The why is called selfishness, it sounds like your mom was selfish, lacking empathy and compassion. These are not characteristics some people encompass. Being honest with yourself is the only was to heal. Be mindful of giving yourself grace and acceptance of your story and you will heal.
I just found out my mom placed a AirTag GPS on my car, she first denied it and then she blamed my dad…. What am I supposed to do here I am done with this family and I can’t afford yet to move out
@@WonderAffirmations be wise, stay quiet. Until you can move on, by yourself on your own two feet. Don’t let them know or are trying to leave or it will be sabotaged. Warning like the others have said we tend to get into relationship with narc as we’re so conditioned. Some can keep their masks on for years, it’s so unbelievable. It’s not until you see the patterns again. But the sex can make you blind for a long time. Remember if your caught in a intense romantic relationship, that’s not equal to intimate relationship.
Mine was broken by her death; I didn't realise about any of it until she went and suddenly, after the grief, there was this tremendous FREEDOM! I could go to bed when I want, watch whatever I want on TV, go where I wanted; it's amazing! Opening a cage that I ever saw. I was always making sure she was as happy as I could make her, it was never enough and there would always be something not right.
Wow, I didn't expect to cry so much from watching this video. I was always my mom's emotional punching bag. It hurts me to see other people have such close loving relationships with their moms.
at 13 i remember giving my mother an oil painting i did myself for mother's day, i bought the canvas, the materials, watched videos, damn i was really craving her validation so bad, i wanted to impress her. i was excited. but when she looked at it and put on a discontented face, straight up disappointment, she said 'meh'. i look back on that day and cry, cause i was only a child and i did not deserve at all. screw that woman.
Not to sound weird but I wish I were your mama on that day to show you your efforts were so precious! She is blessed to have a daughter like you! My mom did this with each and every birthday and Christmas gift… now I don’t even see her on those days.
I have a narcissistic mother. It took me years to realise this and come to terms with it. I stupidly tried to explain my feelings and my point of view. But to no avail. To her I am never enough. So I decided to be enough to myself. It hurts to know that I will never have a healthy relationship with my mum buy I cannot change her. The only thing I can change is me and my perception of the real mother I've got. I don't hate her. I pity her. And I think it is a good start on my way to recovery.
Thank you so much - I am so grateful that I have found you. ❤ 52 years of trying to please and connect with someone who secretly hates you and has the label ‘Mum’ is literally ‘Soul Destroying’ …. She’s the most caring ‘friend, neighbour and friend to my friends’ ?! So they all think I’m delusional, mean, imagining … To come here and ‘know’ I am not alone is a ‘Game Changer’ … My life ‘starts now’ … Sending love and strength to anyone reading this… Take your power back, I have… ❤
I remember for christmas getting my mom a gift card to her favorite store because i always had a history of getting my mom the wrong gift. So a gift card seemed to be a safe bet. My mom cried and threw the card in my face and said I didnt care about her.....i was 15 years old and spent all my babysitting money on that gift card.. Holidays are the worst. Christmas is still my least favorite holiday because every year she would make drama out of it.
I don’t even bother with getting my mother gifts anymore for this reason. She complains i don’t get her anything. I remind her that she has complained and disliked every gift i have ever given her, so why should I bother?
I'm so sorry you went through that. When I was 16, I spent all my money on concert tickets for my parents (both narcs),and they just gave me a response of "you shouldn't have spent your money on us". A different reaction, but still that feeling that it wasn't appreciated.
My mother ruined my wedding day , I think back regretting not taking her advice and going the court house so she wouldn't of been there . I couldn't have the small family gathering but my bestfriend wouldn't tear me down and eat up all the food that I prepared before I got to it. She also wouldn't invite a bunch of people I didn't want there .. I would've saved alot more money and wouldn't of cried. Anytime I had any attention she found ways to ruin it and turn it around to make me the bad guy and have me in trouble. My Friends didn't even want to come to my house because how she'd act .
For everyone that was told to follow the commandment about honoring their parents, G-d didn't mean let them get away with abuse. Today I can celebrate a day of freedom... from her. Nothing to miss.
This is important. My abusive mother has thrown that commandment around. What she means when she says it is that her children should continue to pay homage to her regardless of how she treats us.
Right - I did go no contact years ago -- and for those who were always making excuses for her -- bad childhood, bad life whatever that she had --- I wasn’t brought into the world to fix her nor do I want to anymore. I felt like I was being judged for walking away - but I wouldn’t carry someone around with a broken leg -- I would expect them to do the work to fix it themselves by following doctors orders and walking with crutches etc. Same with someone who is a narc. Walk away from those who are too lazy to get help themselves.
What you said about narcissists behaving their worst on important days really hits home for me. I still vividly remember my mother leaving in the middle of my graduation and taking my father with her because she couldn't stand that she was not the center of attention. It hurt so bad bc everyone elses families were there. And before the graduation ceremony I got my makeup and hair done and she immediately became jealous and started ignoring me. Instead of saying I look nice she started complementing the hair dresser's dog and didn't even acknowledge my presence. And on birthdays she doesn't get me presents or even a bd cake. It's truly heartbreaking when society tells you to be grateful for someone lacking empathy like this.
Spot on. My mum storms off that no one is paying her any attention or she turns up 3hrs late or flat out refuses to come unless we beg her. If I say I understand if you don't want to come she goes crazy that no one cares . . It's literally like dealing with a toddler.
@@michellegash1319 it looks like there's nothing you can do that will please her! You are in a no win situation with someone who does this. Her goal is to find something to be mad about.💙
Wow.....well done you for graduating...xxx yr mum was a piece of work!! Mine used to scoff and tease and undermine me as a teenager cos she cdnt handle me getting male attention....xx
WOW!!!! THANK YOU!!! When my mother would come to the hospital to see her new grandchild,she would cringe at having to be around someone else who was the center of attention,so she would end up "falling down" or "walking into a utility cart"or "spilling hot coffee on herself or "choke" on her food so she can be rushed to the ER section of the hospital by wheelchair.This was a woman who had no problem stealing the spotlight on an hours old infant
I would love it if you did a video on closure after the death of a narcissistic parent. How you balance their evil behavior with the good things they did and the love you have for them. Also, I hope you are going to do one on narcissistic fathers. I think there is a slightly different dynamic there.
@eric haase I just can't imagine her dying without us having reconciliated before that. It just can't be. Because that 15% of the time she was truly loving, I could feel her love was heartfelt. And that's the person I want to remember. That's my mom. But how do I dodge that other 85% ?! I am no contact but loathing every second of it. At the same time I instantly reenter my suicidal depression when I do have contact with her. She will just... attack. Full-on. That's how I experience it anyway. I wish everyone here a happy mother's day, for that "15%" when she was being real.
I spent YEARS pre-writing my mother's eulogy - trying to find the legitimate "good" that other people saw in her - things I could stand up and say honestly in Church. It was my way of trying to balance my own Rage when I finally "woke" to all the damage SHE had caused by her self-absorbed incompetent parenting. The eulogy I ended up delivering was about my Gratitudes - for the things she taught me & for the things that we DID share (a sweet tooth). The Deeper Truth though was in what was NOT spoken. My words were VERY carefully chosen - to both speak Truth AND Honor those who didn't "know" her in the same way that I (her Scapegoat) did. What I wanted to say to them (but didn't) was "You Guys OWE me! I held her Darkness, so You could experience her Light." I've just recently realized (to my great surprise) that I DID Care Deeply ABOUT the welfare of my mother. But I did NOT care For the way she treated me and I Could Not Care WITH her. There was No "WE". I think "Love" is a complicated word .....
@@SuspiriaX I hear your anguish & my heart aches. Please know that YOU MATTER. Your Pain Matters. Your Emotional Safety Matters. A lot. Perhaps for now you could focus on your own Healing and let that be enough. The future will play out as it does. Your best bet is to meet it as strong and healthy as possible. May you be Well. May you Stay Safe. Heart Hugs.
It still is. Yesterday was my birthday and after driving 9 hours to surprise her for her birthday last week, she woke me up yesterday telling to start cleaning. I caught her scowling at my answers when she though I couldn't see her, and it was chilling. The entire day she ordered me around, even yelling at me while I was in the bathroom asking me what I was doing. She has no concept of boundaries and appropriate behavior. She was so awful all day. I want to cut her off permanently, but I am worried about the drama she will cause.
It's as if Dr. Ramini has been a fly on the wall throughout my entire life. I'm so grateful for being able to get these talks for free as I can't afford a therapist. After I listen to one of Dr. Ramini's talks, I write in a journal. Yesterday, I found a few talks on the ACE Study. No wonder I'm struggling, still at 60, because I scored 10 on the ACE scale. But the thing I've got going for me, and I don't know where it came from, is resilience. I have very strong resilience.
Probably the thing I am most proud of myself for, is my resilience and strength. I believe that is why my mother hated me. Ironically, I believe her behaviour only made me stronger.
I’m in my 40s and I finally decided to break ties with my mother and other narc families members. That means I’m all alone in the world. I can’t stop crying for the first few months and I also got calls from other relatives(flying monkeys) and even police. I only spoke to the police and politely asked him not to call me again. He is very understanding even I didn’t provide much details, which magically comforts my heart. I’m still in the process of healing. The memory with my mom doesn’t hurt me that much. I’m also able to identify several narcissists around me.
I wished my mother ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ and she replied ‘Ok’ bringing tears to my eyes. She is currently giving me silent treatment bcoz I told her she was wrong for yelling at me in front on my kid. I knew even before wishing her that she will crush my spirits. I am 30 years old and my mother pushes me into depression each time I interact with her.
Love from a (safe) distance. 🤟 I had to learn that years ago. Made me out to be the "B___", but no matter what I was one anyhow. 🤷♀️ Remember this...if she treats you this way, she will either treat your child the same OR try to turn your child against you. (By any means necessary) Nothing, NOTHING wrong with boundaries.
teresa bone - That is my exact fear that she will turn my daughter against me. Coz she has already turned all my cousins against me. She will tell them how terrible I am and even told them that I treat my child like a dog. I mean .. how can a mother say this .. i wish every single day that it would be great if she just loved me.. But when I try to run way from her, she will emotionally blackmail me.. I am stupid enough to even buy a house right next to hers bcoz she told me to...
@@DiMakesArt seriously you need Distance and to start Listening To Yourself... As long as they Can, they Will....... they don't give a fuck about what is Right and Wrong, all they care about is What they can get away with...
You're a mother now it's time to cut the cord. You don't need to waste your energy getting her validation.( Also your children needs your validation and if she is toxic you need to set boundaries.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother who did so much damage that I'm trying to work through and get help with. I remember for mothers day, her bday, christmas and stressing so much over what to get her. She would let you know if it wasn't good enough. This is the first year I stopped myself from trying so hard. I got her a basic gift and just had it dropped off at her house. :-)
Luna White Just keep going - small steps - you *will* come out the other side! And you will rise to be more powerful than you ever thought possible. The key is to work on your self-worth, self-prioritisation and self-preservation, all underpinned by strong boundaries 💪 Forgive yourself beautiful soul - we all had to forgive ourselves for not knowing any better! Just focus all of your energy on *you*!
@Lover of The Truth I still want a relationship with my father who has been working on himself and us so I just tolerate her and set boundaries. But because I want other family members in my life I can't cut her out completely and being able to say i gave her something keeps the drama to a minimum. :-)
Omg yes ! I remember one year I had no idea so I got her a voucher so she could pick her own things perfectly reasonable right? Wrong the fit she threw was ridiculous 🙄 I was only 14 paid with my paper round money which I didnt get much for
@@gracewillis577 you could have gotten her a diamond ring and it wouldnt have been good enough! Trust me I've seen my dad buy her ridiculously expensive jewelry that she had a fit and had to have and then it wasnt good enough or she would find something wrong with it no matter what. *hugs* just do what you feel is right with the boundaries you need to set and remember that her twisted reality doesnt have to be yours. 💗
I learned my lesson. I know my happiness doesn’t depend on my mom or dad. And if they aren’t happy with the person I am, it’s their problems. They are the ones that live with those feelings, not me.
I told my mother happy Mother's Day and she never replies back. I look selfish to my family because I am breaking codependency and no longer catering to people's emotions and lives. Oh well. Still love her still honor her but I put God and my mental health first.
Having my own kids started my own healing and then going "no contact" with my mom. Shutting my mom out of my life has been the equivalent of a bird being freed from a cage.
My mother was a text book narcissist. Would treat me like trash and treat my sister like gold. Buying her fancy gifts for holidays and birthdays and getting me dollar store stuff, paying for education and her wedding, but not mine… I could go on forever. She was super cruel and abusive to me… She was awful to my father too, who was an amazing kind soul
When people say “appreciate your mother because no one will love you like she does”, it makes me sick that people who have NO idea are shaming people who have difficult relationships with their mothers. I’m SO happy for people who are best friends with their mom, but we’re not all blessed with that connection.
"spend as much time with her before she's gone"
"you only get one mother"
"you'll regret saying that" (i saw this one when someone said it would be harder living with their mom than without...i was the only comment under theirs that was nice...)
These type of ppl are either arrogant or ignorant.
So true. Today I just told off a friend... 'please do not say that my mother must love me -- I just do not realize it!" It does make me sick when they try to justify that it was OK for me to be hurt.
@@sharonyash that is so true and i didn't even think of it! if your mom loved you, she wouldn't have hurt you, so them saying she "must" have loved you means it was okay for you to go through that as long as she loved you, which is just plain false
AMEN AMEN, SISTER. I #CAN CERTAINLY RELATE 2 WHAT U R SAYING N I #FEEL THE #SAME WAY!😇💯💫💥
I remember standing in my kitchen with my mother, she said to me " I don't know how you learned to be such a good mother" I whipped around staring her in the eyes and said " I treat my children like I always wanted to be treated as a child", she was finally speechless.
⭐⭐
You are fabulous 🌟
My mother had a narcissist mother, despite of that she treated all of her 5 children with the same respect and care,
Unfortunately It was narcistic father....
I truly understand!
Boom! I would have said the same thing!
I can't even imagine what it's like to have a loving mother
💔😭
Same it would be a forever dream cause the mama I have is🤢
I could never find a Mothers Day card for my narcissistic mother that was accurate how I felt about her. She always demanded a card and gift, often disliked the gift, and never said thank you. She passed away last year and our family feels free of this negativity
I can't imagine what it's like to have a loving family lol
Feels so good. I'm a loving. Mother for my kids💚💚💚
My mother is 91 and has NEVER changed. This is one of the saddest qualities of narcissism.
So scary 😫 😳 my mom is 84 and actually getting meaner!!
Mine is 90 and she is worse than ever. As she loses her mental faculties, the self-absorption is all that remains.
awww
@@coxcox7350 Trust me you ain't seen nothing yet. I will never forgive her for the hell she put me AND my father when he was dying last year. I have PTSD from it.
@@Mezbourian When I was only 26 yrs old, I ended up in a hospital with some infection nobody could figure out. Mother arrived with jars of candied fruit etc... and her face squished like a lemon, very sorry for herself. I told her that the hospital food was really good (true! how much does a bed ridden person need? Was not worse than what mother usually gave me) and asked her to take that stuff back home and not visit again. I really enjoyed the hospital stay, away from her.
If you were raised by a narcissistic and got out of there with your sanity intact then you deserve a Nobel prize, you’re a very strong and resilient human being. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise..
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Nobody has an intact sanity after having one of this creatures running your life from birth till you can run.
@@KM-oy5yh Thank you!
Totally agreed...I somehow survived but made some relationship mistakes off course for my narc mom which pisses me off and makes me sour..
@@lrinearson U R #VERY WELCOME, #SWEET SISTER 🙏🙏🙏
Due to my mother I have no confidence and anxiety. Due to my mother I put other people's happiness over my own and I let everyone use me. The only thing I learnt from her is not to be like her
Yes, same here... I'm proud of myself in my success becoming the opposite of what my mother was as a mother... To stop putting others needs first is still I'm working on in my senior age.
Yip and am the same
Same. It actually almost becomes difficult to put yourself first even though it's your life. I'm getting tired of feeling like a two-headed person. I'm going no contact soon.
I'm so so glad you're not-and that you can see, at least, her unspeakable abuses had everything to do with her-not you. 🖤🖤🖤
I was on the same boat, but now I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's hard and I still have my days...but you know I keep telling myself, today is another day. I have a chance to improve myself. I pray for our healing. Remember we are the captain of our own ship. Take care.
all the females who have or had loving, present, caring and supportive mothers, you are very fortunate to have experienced this. don't take it for granted.
Yeah, you don't know how hard It Is don"t have a mother like that being a man.
So basically you´re just saying the same that people are saying to us? Wow.
@@deanvo503 this is victum shaming, but shame on you, really, shame on you.
Did you listen to Dr Ramani, or are you here to shame us!!.,??
Saskia Huis f*ck you, you deliberately misrepresented what I said, my point is that being a man it is also REALLY difficult to have a toxic mother, it is not a question of genders, all of us who have the misfortune to have grown up with narcissistic parents have suffered unimaginably , not only women are victims of that. get it now?
I often say this as well.
I just went no contact with my parents. I am so angry at my mother. All of my trauma is coming out, in nightmares, dreams. All I learned was that my life revolves around serving my mother's needs. She literally taught me that being authentic is unkind, and that you must be fake and look good to other people at the expense of your own well being. Specifically SHE must look good to everyone. I was just a tool to her.
You did the right thing
I understand you
I wish I could go no contact 💔😥
@@Miss-D-My I am sorry. Maybe one day you can
I am 70 my mother is 87. I’m an only child to narcissistic hypochondriac who was pregnant at age 15 thank God abortion wasn’t legal then I still suffer. I moved her to live by us because she needed extra help and she had no family where she was living, she has burned her bridges to her doctors and they wrote her a letter and said they wouldn’t see her anymore. I need to go no contact for my mental health, but every time I decide that she ropes me back in. This afternoon she went into a hysterical fit against me… I am tired of suffering, and not liking myself, because of how she raised me.
Hi! Congrats on going no contact. I know it’s hard. But it gets easier. ❤
My mom is like this. She told me when I was 12 years old that she hated me, wished I was never born, and couldn’t believe I was her daughter. I have spent the rest of my life in therapy and became a teacher for the sole purpose of making sure that if any other kids were treated like me, at least they’d have one female role model in their lives who loved and respected them.
You are a kind kind soul 🤗
Great way to transform the energy by taking a path to nurture and mentor kids!! 🥰❣️
@@sharannoteha3385 I love this.
You are amazing.. just being able to find the strength to not let your Mom destroy your life..
Kim Brown Thank you. It’s a struggle every day of my life, but I have to rise above it. 💪🏻🙏🏼
I am proud to say, I have broken the pattern and gifted my children a better example of motherhood.
Me too!👍🏻
Can’t wait to do this myself
Me 3
Ok, let's see Paul Alans' card... (i.e. lets hear what your kids will have to say, cause they are the final judges ;)))
I mean, how can you be so sure about breaking the pattern without external confirmation?
Thank you for existing.
Does anyone else struggle with memory as a child? There are entire periods of my childhood that I have no memory of and I wonder how related to this abuse dynamic that might be.
Years of my memory are missing. Yes, lots of compounded traumas that I have yet to access. There are some snippets of repressed memories that i was able to access, but it was very brief, short visions. When your body, mind, soul, can no longer keep hidden all of the traumas you endured, you will begin to remember stuff again. For some it takes years, for others it could be decades after the trauma.
Yes me, coincidence how we have the same name! I wonder that too, I’m not sure.
I dont have much memory of my childhood either... literally just three or four individual flashes of memory and thats it... however, i didnt have abusive parents etc, on the contrary, i have always felt very loved...not everyone’s long term memory is good though! :)
Yes, somethings my siblings would ask me and I cannot remember. I suffered compounded traumas.
Are we long lost sisters?!?!? 😱 😆. I have huge chunks of my childhood missing. Therapist said it was a result of severe childhood trauma. I’m 49 now and pieces of those memories are coming back. I’ve done regression therapy and that unlocked a few of my memory file cabinets, but I still need a lot more help with opening up the drawers and file folders. Good luck on your journey!
I'm literally crying watching this video. It really hurts that some of us were deprived a normal kind of life. I hope everyone reading this gets to heal.
I've been crying for 3 days now. My mom has recently stooped so low I've never imagined she'd do this to me.
@@toasttime9266 It’s shocking, right , Should not be shocking at this point . I think it’s a sign /symptom of constant gaslighting or brainwashing .
@@lovejumanji5 Yes for sure. It's gotten to a point, where even when im fully aware im being gaslit, i still can't trust myself.
@@toasttime9266 I can relate. For me the best thing was little to no contact , and talking to levelheaded people who knew /know what goes on. They could call something out right away . I wouldn’t even see it , And they could say , that’s wrong , that’s not right , that’s unusual …etc.
Writing things down is very helpful. I didn’t remember a lot of things , looking back in the book helped me a lot .
Becky , I hope you feel better and better as you Re-parent yourself .
I hate mother's day. where are the hallmark cards that say "thanks for being a selfish, emotionally nonexistent mother who never loved me"?
My sister consistently gets funny cards for my mom because she can’t bear to buy the card with the lies on it
Yup
I could never find a fitting card for my narcissist mother
biteme its so easy you don't need to go to a store and waste money you can find a very easier solution at home. Just take a piece of blank paper fold it write that on the inside along with "Btw the reason why I didn't write this in a hallmark card is because you're not worth the money, fuck you.".
A dood idea. I need a card like this too , haha ha
I feel better knowing that I'm not alone or overreacting to all of this
You are FAR from alone. This is EXTREMELY common. 🌺🌺🌺 Much love and healing.....
I felt the same way too. It seems like most people believed either I was lying or exaggerating smh.
Same
Same
You are not alone my friend.
The guilt of not being enough is the hardest to get over
Yes, it is the one thing that affect people on deep subconsious level that came from likely not just their mother but 2 or 3 generations before her combined, the grief goes very deep.
They feel most powerful keeping you feeling "not enough"
You are enough. Forgive her. It's her brokenness that invalidated you. It was done to her before she was 3. You can not fix it. You have always been enough she just did it to control you.
@@signsofthetimes6662 I know, it's true. Lately I've been going through internal process of forgiving my ancestors because it is necessary to trasmute this energy, it takes a lot of strength and will power to be consistent with the new path we are on. I know it might still take me years to heal the grief and anger but at least it's a step closer to freeing them up through my understanding.
Thank you for your words.
Yeah when I was like 5 or 6 I thought I could fix her by being a good boy
I tried SO HARD if I get good grades she will love me and it won’t be my fault that she’s always mad if I could just make her see me she wouldn’t hate me.
My entire life I always thought that my mom treated me worse than anyone else…but she claimed she loved me more than anyone else. This caused so much confusion and feelings I didn’t understand.
And people don't understand it. They always think it's a misunderstanding
@@siumedicalstudent3209 Exactly…they’re always like “oh she’s just being a mom, that’s how moms are.” I told myself if this had been any other person, I’d immediately stop interacting with them. It’s an easy fix. Someone disrespects you or tries to push your button or act as if they don’t like you….just cut the person out of your life. I would not be around someone like her if she wasn’t my mom. It’s so weird sometimes. It’s like she wants to keep me around just to put me down and mistreat me. I’ve known for awhile that I don’t personally like her. I’ve always seen her as a mean bully.
@@KingMark33ikr same feelings, i just can't get over the guilt of cutting her off
Overcompensation
Classic narcissistic overcompensation; they are kings and queens of casting spells of confusion 🪄
My mom would tell me I need to lose weight..then when I was skinnier she was jealous of me...can't win EVER
like my mother. They will never be happy. EVER.
Exactly
Those are her insecurities. The more confident and well seated within yourself, the worse she’s going to feel about herself. It’s just her weakness. She’s jealous that you’re better than she was at your age. Just ignore it because seems like most women (moms) have the same issue. Might be a hormone thing but it’s not about you. You can feel compassion for her but you are your own person. “So, moms feeling jealous because she can’t lose her own weight as well as I have been able to.” Lots of moms are the same. 🤦♀️ They really do love you - they’re just not perfect human beings and managing through hormone changes is really hard. Try to Have patience & understanding. 💕
Same!! She told me i "worshipped food." Even though she didn't feed us much and i was 100% skinnier than her.
Classic. "You need to eat a biscuit" *pinches* "oh look at you chunk (fake smile)" *pinches*
Just awful.
I can't describe the level of anger I carry around as a result of the abuse I went through....
Let it out!
It will THEN PASS!. . . .
+Q-S/
I too felt that anger and eventually put in all down in a letter to my narcissist mother. I didn’t feel able to say it to her face and I knew she wouldn’t even listen. I felt incredibly nervous but also relieved when I dropped that letter in the post box. My mother only acknowledged receipt of the letter when I asked her a week later. She was going to ignore it. She was dismissive and flippant about the contents. That was the turning point for me. A loving mother would be distraught that that their child was hurting and they had caused it. I now haven’t seen my mother in person for 4 years and I feel incredibly relieved and no longer feel guilty. She doesn’t miss me. On the rare occasions we speak on the phone, she is respectful to me now. She still occasionally tries to bait me but I ignore her remarks and politely end the call. It worked for me.
@@norfolkenchants8090 OMG, I haven't seen my narcissistic mother in person since December 2013 and am all the better for it. I do have those moments when I feel angry over how she abused me, but I've been handling them better since I cut her off and all her sympathizers for good in November 2018. It's a strategy I highly recommend. Also, I did move 600 miles (960 kms) away from her and her band of sycophants.
You're right on one can ever imagine what you went through.
Just never forget, there are random people who will love and support you. and die for you.
letting go is a wonderful feeling, like life just has started.
Was always told, "Don't talk back!" And at the same time, denigrated for not having any backbone or self esteem.
OMG, yes! I always got told "how dare you talk back to me and disrespect me like that" and now as an adult I get told "you're so irritating, when I'm angry and we're having an argument you just sit there and don't say anything". Like, WHAT?!
@@hoseki9860 Asking my mom, "why" meant I was talking back to her and I got hit for that. Unfortunately it seemed common for the time I was growing up.
@@vegigirl7440 I'm so sorry to hear that, no one deserves that kind of treatment as a kid.
OMG! My mother loves to say” how could you be MY child? You’re so sensitive hahaha”
While they're golden child will brush aways theyre wrong doings.
I completed 4.5 years of my medical college and the day results came out, I started crying with joy as all those years of hardwork and struggle had finally paid off and mind you I was going to be the first Doctor in my entire family. At this exact moment, my mom told me to calm the f*** down a little and that I had an exaggerated reaction. She also said “wasn’t it obvious you’d graduate one day since you got in.”
I felt shattered. I couldn’t even be happy and proud of myself as she clearly wasn’t.
I just wanted my mother to be proud and happy for me and she couldn’t even do that.
It's a tremendous accomplishment to graduate from medical school, let alone being the first in a family to do so. A functioning mother would have whooped and hollered, maybe dance a little happy dance and break out the champagne for a toast. She would likely have given you a graduation gift to commemorate your achievement. She would have been happy and proud and she would have wanted to tell friends and family about it. That's what you deserve. I'm sorry your mother didn't do these things.
Proud of you 🎉
The part that hurts the most is when everyone who isn't your mother is more proud of you than she is. almost like your accomplishments don't even matter cuz they don't matter to the one person you want it to matter to.
The day that I, as a young, single mother, after 2½ years of Jr. College, received a merit scholarship to a private, prestigious 4-year university, I called my mother OVERJOYED. Her response? Long silence on the phone, then, dripping with derision, "Well. The proof's in the pudding, honey. How do you expect to pull this one off?"
I realized later how every victory I ever had was both a reason for her to be vicious toward me out of jealousy, and also, behind my back, a reason for her to brag to her friends for having raised such a stellar daughter. Ha!
@@kimberlyeaton4981 What a cruel response she had! A more functional mother would have been super happy for you.
To everyone who has grown up with a narcissistic mother, I wish you the all the best on your healing journey ❤
I wish you all the best. I hope you find great friendships and love…
We will overcome these strange thing we can’t really talk about with people. All the best to you…
Thank you
Yes, hugs to all of you. May you have a genuine encounter with the Lord Jesus and may the love of your heavenly Father bring deep healing to your soul. He loves you more than you will ever know.
god bless your heart!
thanks therapy is helping for me
Mother, you had me, but I never had you....
This captures my life perfectly
RIP John Lennon.
😢
Laura, you know your classics....
Laura 4A this makes me so emotional
I'm fourteen years old, and my mother is a malignant narcissist.(And I suspect also a sociopath). I'm the scapegoat. Finding this channel has helped me so much. She abuses me physically, verbally and emotionally, but I thought there was something wrong with me. I believed what she told me and thought I was crazy and feared myself. I'm finally finding that I'm not so alone in what I'm going through. Again, thank you so much. I will try to survive and thrive.
❤️❤️❤️
You are strong and supported!
I am so sorry to learn about your pain Slytherin and glad that you found it sooner because the later we know and accept the truth the more we damage ourselves. I wish god gives you enough strength to take care of your self and you become a strong and better adult and have a great life... 😘😘😘
I wish I had known at 14 what I now know at 50. By recognizing the situation for what it is NOW, you wont have to spend YEARS of your life blaming yourself for someone else's hurtful behavior.
As a female & a mom to a 20yo young woman, I know how hard the teenage years can be to navigate. Please know that this is also true for people who have solid family relationships. This situation is NOT because of you, and you are not alone! Being a teenager can suck sometimes, but by being here, you have a place that you can feel safe and know that people are listening. I wish I had that back then.
Im wishing you the best!!
I feel for you. Be strong and love yourself. I'm 64 years old now but I have been 14 to and remember everything. So much love for you
It is absolutely correct that people judge you when you try to talk about your narcissistic mom. They do judge you and they don’t believe you, generally. It takes a very special person to see the truth.
I agree with you! And these judgmental people can include professional counsellors or therapists! Counsellors and therapists supposedly exude compassion and empathy, but my bitter experience has taught me otherwise.
Only someone who has a narc mom can empathize.
@@meghan3835 or someone who meets your mom and is whole, healthy and observant enough to see through the facade…. like i said, it takes a special person.
@@fernfunk I don't disagree with you on that. A special person is someone who can professionally recognise the behaviour pattern or someone who has been through the same shit. Any one apart from either of the two categories will not fully be able to grasp the damage. But then again there are exceptions.
@@meghan3835 yes there are exceptions. i personally know one 😄
I re-wrote it! My grown kids say I'm the best mother in the world!
I was determined to never do to my kids what was done to me!
Barbara Lynch I did that but it kinda backfired a little....😔
@@kensyskye8965 - I'm sure you did your best!
I hope I don’t raise my kids like my mother raised me but unfortunately I know that I will inevitably repeat some of her tendencies because I literally don’t know anything else. For example, ‘high’ expectations, are just so ingrained in me as being normal expectations now that I honestly think it’d be a disservice to raise my kids without putting some of those same expectations on them.
@@bluecannibaleyes - I was always compared to my super smart sister and could never live up to those expectations. That was her and not me. While I always want the best for my kids, I only had two expectations of them - don't be bums or drug addicts. They are now kind and productive human beings and they always remembered what I told them. I know they are individuals and not expected to be like each other. To me they are successful.
@Barabara Lynch I’m an only child so I feel like a lot of my feelings of having expectations put on me stems from that. But at the same time, I don’t think her expectations were unreasonable because I honestly would have been a much more successful person in life if I had just done what my parents wanted me to. My mom insists that she has no expectations of me and “just wants me to be happy” but she’s always seemed to be disappointed with me constantly being a loser with no accomplishments and she sees all of my interests and passions as non-productive. I guess she was proud that I got married but at the same time I know my husband isn’t what she would have liked me to pick (I ‘married down’, class-wise). I feel like my feelings of being a failure are justified because I honestly don’t really have any accomplishments in life. I wouldn’t want my children to grow up to be as unproductive as I am, and I feel like some minimal expectations are necessary for raising a successful child.
I often wish I had been raised with a NORMAL mom even now at 60 yrs old. The grief around this is very real. Thanks for this!!
Wow I’m 17 but if it’s still gonna be bad at 60…might as well kms if it doesn’t get better lmao I’m depressed enough
Good enough would have been enough for me. I'm 56 and it was a crazy mix of crazy damaged family members and parents with alternating fun stuff and gift giving one day yet another being raged at blamed shamed living in anxiety. What I desperately wanted was to be noticed and held and unconditionally have interest and love and protection for who I was, who i am. Shouldn't be that hard should it but they couldn't do it and here we are! The thing I find most galling is not getting support for my subsequent struggles in life. Instead more blame more shame invalidation and gaslighting. I only realised last year. My health is down the drain and it's been a hammer blow. Still at 80, they're as crazy as a box of frogs but call me the crazy one! That's been the final straw. No responsibility and calling me out for being the abnormal one. The grief is huge and im not sure we can recover but we have to try for ourselves and to help each other. Stay safe and keep your chin up we got what we got and it wasn't enough but that's not our fault 😊
Just the fact professionals now know what it is, is comforting.
@@dreamcatcherismylifesuppor2348 You are far better off knowing this now. Everyone wakes up when they are ready. I’m just more stubborn and took me longer. I consider you lucky. Keep on keeping on.
@@lw2099 What do you mean with „wake up“ ?Realising that you’re depressed, or that you have a narcissistic mother, or that I should kms
I spent my whole childhood in screaming matches with my mum. I thought this was normal. It was not. I have just learned they provoke you until they get an emotional reaction out of you and then blame you for it. It feeds into their ego. I had no idea. I just had a memory of her managing to get a screaming reaction out of me as an adult a few years ago and she had this evil smirk on her face like “yes I did it” I hate that woman with everything that’s in me. Therapy and doing research on the internet on this topic is finally making me realise what kind of evil witch “raised” me and why my life has been such a shit show since I could even remember.
I can relate.
Wow I relate to everything you just said. She couldn’t give two craps whether I lived or died. I don’t get why she is this way tho because how can someone be this evil?
The irony is that after they have ruined you for any discernment of what a healthy relationship is, when the adult relationships you wade into inevitably go very badly, they blame you for being so defective. My monster-mom even had the cruelty in her spirit to scream and yell at ME for being physically abused to the point of near death by one romantic partner (in a series of abusers), because my crisis "was fucking up her life, as usual"! It took me 40 years to understand what she was, and after 50 years, I'm still trying to fix the damage she did to me and my life. I hate her!
@@kimberlyeaton4981 My mum top blamed me for my ex partner abusing me and in fact mocked my entire experience and gloated that she’d never been physically abused by a man. She shamed me and called me weak and told me that I would get back with him and this time he’d finish me off 😕 she’d also gone on to say that my daughter would be removed from my care. She rejoices in the idea of me being utterly destroyed and killed. Such hatred towards your own daughter is far from normal but this is all a projection of how much you trigger her because deep down she feels you are much better than her. These tactics are put in place to dim your light and it’s up to us to break the cycle so I’ve not spoken to her in nearly 3 years.
@@ishi1335 How horrible for you! I know that I've raised a beautiful, strong daughter in the complete opposite way that my mother "raised" (more like "razed") me! She started to become a target for my mother's tear-downs by around age 11, and I curtailed that by setting boundaries and walking out immediately and silently with my daughter any time she started. My daughter has refused to even be in her company now for 4 years. We haven't had a word between us for 5 years, and she has punished us by having quit inviting us for family gatherings. She has completely alienated us from all of the rest of the family. Cruel bitch is enjoying this immensely but it's her loss. Her granddaughter is an amazing, lovely young woman ready to graduate university and the monster misses out! I've found people who love and support us to be our new family. I hope for the best for you!
“It’s never enough” is so much how it is with my mom. On holidays, or in general. And every time you do something wrong, everything you’ve done right disappears
Spending time with others that value you and express gratitude is therapeutic imo
You don't need to do any wrong to get their toxicity.
I so understand…
You are only this or you are only that!!! I hate all of the manipulation. They feel that they can say whatever they want without caring for the impact and the real weight of their words!
I come home from overseas..2 international flights and 1 domestic ...five times a year to help cook and look after her (she is 97) in her final years...no thank you or looking forward to seeing you or her is $100 to help toward u flights...so ungrateful ...you might get a thank you for a meal but the rest is still gaslighting and playing me off against my sister...no shes not going to change ... I love her...but dont like her at all.
My Narc Mother taught me how NOT to parent. She’s responsible for my inability to establish healthy boundaries with others and accepting abuse silently. I grew up believing that everyone’s happiness is my responsibility. She was so toxic, when she figured out my husband was of the same ‘wavelength’ as her, she’d actually gang up with him to devalue me. I went no contact with her 10 years ago when she put my kids’ life in danger to enable and score points with another Narc. The damage she had done was enough for me to hold on to my resolve. A very happy Mother’s Day to you, Dr Ramani, and to all the mothers here 💐💕
Nelumbo Nucifera Your story sounds identical to mine. 💔
Thank you, to you, too! Mine is the very same, but I didn't cut her off. She is 85, lives in a different country... We meet once per year for several weeks, but even that is more than enough. Still manipulating me, clashing me and my brother against each other, bond with my husband to gain points, complaining all the time. However, my daughter has a good relationship with her. Maybe because she also lives several miles away? ☺
Thanks for posting this. I had no contact with my oldest sister 15 years until died. I was sad about that but there wasn't another solution. I get it.
So sorry you had to endure all that. I’m grateful that you and I are learning and growing away from our upbringing.
This is my exact life story,
Word 4 word.
Happy blessed day to you.
Every day is mother's day.
May you have happiness and peace always .
I remember being in the 5th grade and not eating lunch for weeksssss so I could buy my mom this nice purse from Walmart I was so excited and couldn’t wait to give it to her . I got yelled at and accused of stealing the money she gave me to eat with she never wore it ever I wanna cry typing this and I’m 28 😩
Being empathic (as a 22yr old male) is hard for people too understand these situations. But it’s really something deeper too learn if you see between what’s happening. I’m sorry this happened but I guarantee you’ve seen growth in yourself .
I remember being 21 (36 y.o. now) and studying abroad (got a scholarship) and returning to my native country for my mother's birthday just before the end of the summer break. I was working part time and had saved enough money to buy her a nice present, it was a pair of leather gloves and matching scarf in her favourite colour. At her dinner party with my father and sister she unwrapped my gift and basically started crying and yelling, telling everybody how inconsiderate I was, buying sth in my favourite colour, knowing she'd feel obliged to tell me to keep the gifts for myself. It was mind boggling to me, since I've never particulary liked burgundy red while her wardrobe was full of it. Nobody in my family dared speak up and she even made sure my gifts were in my luggage when I left. I later donated those things to charity because I couldn't stand looking at them.
When I was much younger, I think nearly seven and in school, I broke my arm and told nobody because I wanted to finish the Christmas card we were making in class. When it was done, my schoolfriend told our teacher and she immediately informed my mom. She came to pick me up and took me to the hospital. I gave her my card and she threw it right in the garbage can under my eyes, telling me nobody needed sth so ugly and that it was my fault, she had to leave work early that day and that whatever pain I felt, it was down to my stupidity and not being able to take care of myself.
Yeah, that stuck, I must say. I only recently realized there is a pattern and a name to her behaviour. 😔
Hey friend. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would wear it. Move on from her and don't look back. Get ready for the rest of the family to turn on you. Stay the course. Keep watching Dr. Ramani's videos and do the assignment s. I'm rooting for you.
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Just read your comment on narc mother. It made me want to cry. Even though I had a covert mom who was never happy. Living a good life is the best revenge.
@@sabrinajonitzer7732 wowwww ! I’m sorry this happy to you . This bring back so many members
I've only just figured out my mother is a narcissist, I've found it oddly freeing, a lot of things make sense now!
I'm in the same boat as you currently!
Yes! Especially over the past few years when I started learning what narcissism was
Yes, it really is oddly freeing when you finally have an explanation. Even if no one in your life gets it, at least you do. And you don't have to ride that roller coaster anymore.
@princess jade @Lindsey ASMR
Congratulations, you guys! I'm so happy for you!
@@eej1983able same here, it is feeling like a bit relief and you finally discover what this abuse is called and you finally know that you were not crazy at all....and you recognize here on this page what other people experienced is the same you have experienced! So thankful for this channel 🙏
My best friends mother died last year, they were very close. While at the memorial I realized that, while I did have sympathy, my overwhelming feeling was envy. Envy that she had a mother that loved her in a way that at her passing, her loss was mourned.
I understand. It's not jealousy, it's just the envy to be loved for what we are.
I, too, have felt envy over the mother-daughter relationships of my friends. Many have lost their mothers now, with great grief. I have no concept of how painful that would be. I feel nothing for the woman who made sure I knew that she resented every breath I took just because she birthed me.
@@kimberlyeaton4981 I always fell the same. But then I admire them and wish them well😊💚
In my experience these people suffer terribly when they lose their mums and never get over it. So, Although we were deprived of that nurturing love and that hurts so much, at least we develop independence, strength and resilience as a result. That’s how I like to think of it. I am who I am because of her poor parenting and in a sick way I can thank her for that.
I can also relate to this feeling. It first hit me during the wedding of a dear friend's (my former pastor) daughter. Confusing.
Is mothers day for narcissistic women ? Just because two people got together & had sex , doesn't mean I need to worship them. They need to act right & earn my respect...
Sorry, I had to delete my reply. I lean towards non-humour with the irony of this whole phenomena but your remark just hit a 'funny' nerve 😬 I wish you well 🙂💖✨🌈
It really isn’t Mother’s Day is about celebrating women who support and unconditionally love their children emotionally and physically. narcissistic mothers neglect their children’s emotional needs and verbally abuse them. It takes more than pushing a child out of your vagina and feeding me and clothing me as an innocent child to get the respect they believe they deserve.
Sonny Dey amen to this. My moms very “hate me all you want I’m still your mother” like fuck you
Agreed. i am hear because i am still suffering at 35
They DEMAND respect. this is why i will never respect her (and dad) at all.
I went no contact over a year ago.
Hardest, Best decision ever
well done
@Vanessa Coelho its so freeing 🧡🙏 Proud of you because it can be very difficult to do at first
im 3 yrs and counting no contact with her and my narc fam, the hardest choice but truly the best thing i ever did for my life!
@@Kim-vs4vb Proud of You🙏❤
Virgo Girl thank you 🤗❤️️
This is my mom. I was the scapegoat, so I was rebellious. She couldn't control me, so she absolutely hated me. This is why I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure my daughter knows I love her UNCONDITIONALLY ❤❤
YEP!
Absolutely. I was always told I wasn’t wanted. I do everything in my power to let my son know he is wanted and loved and supported.
@@Brandi_. I used to wish my childhood was better, but I think it makes me a better mom. It showed me how I don't want my children feeling and exactly what not to do.
Good to hear this, you're lovely
ah huh. And when your daughter grows up, she will be so secure about your love for her that she will ignore you and take you for granted. I don't know, maybe kids also need to know that they should be worthy of your love.
I've finally realized my mom has only cared about her kids taking care of her, she doesn't care if I have a life, especially because I'm the single older daughter in the family. I could never imagine my daughter giving up a life to take care of me. I've totally lost any interest in a relationship with my mom. I'm there for her doc appts but I changed my life to ensure I'm not her servant for the rest of my life. Yes, she has now said I have been the problem child all along. Meanwhile I'm the one that made her life easy by taking care of my dad when he was sick in his last seven years. No more.
I could have written this myself. My mother was constantly making sure I take care of her and my disabled brother. All the while saying to me “ I feel sorry for you when I get old”. I finally told her enough and have been no contact for 6 months.
I find myself trapped in this very same relationship.
I have had to move in with my mum after my divorce (I’m 48, 2 adult kids) and she is slowly sucking the life out of me.
Financially I’m stuffed.
I feel trapped and my resentments are building up and up.
@@MamaLinz123 Today I got sucked in yet again and got my feelings hurt which is what brought me here. I’ve never been more hurt and felt more disrespected. I don’t believe there was any genuine care or love for me, it was only always what I could do to help. It sucks and I hope we heal 🙏🏽
Literally me..
Sounds familiar.
I'm no contact with my narc mother, and this is the way it will be for the rest of my days. I'm 34 and am still recovering from the 33 yrs of abuse she gladly put me through. I'll never show appreciation for anyone of her caliber. If you've never walked in my shoes, you will never understand no one deserves a MONSTER for a parent, so to all survivors keep thriving!!!!
you are so right! No one deserves a monster of a parent and I wish you all the best in life concerning healing and recovering from this abuse, it is so sad to read all these comments, but I am glad that I can learn from other people who also had a narcissistic mother. I recognize so much abuse
trust me i know your pain
Good for you! Stay strong. No contact is a good strategy.
Lakeena yeah!💪 you deserve health! Keep your head up! I'm going no contact too😁 🌞🌎🌱
Don’t give in. She’ll sweet talk you to come visit her and then it will start all over again and then you’ll feel guilty and mad at yourself that you fell for her tactic again. You’ll feel like you have to start your happiness all over again. (You need to change your cell number or block her)
One way relationships are a waste of time.
Elana Hammer yes they are
And that's the full truth.
@Elana Hammer: Yes they are, and I should know this by now. Unfortunately, I still find myself feeling drawn to someone who can't offer me what I want, and he doesn't see my value. I keep trying, hoping for some sign that he cares about me (because I care about him)... but deep down knowing it's a waste of time. Kinda' like my relationship with my mom!
Elana Hammer yes I agree!
J. Skye Phoenix leave
The only thing my mother taught me was what conditional love is!!
StandupGirl1981 AMEN! It’s so sad.
Sadly, I totally relate. You're not alone!! You didn't deserve her . . . You're absolutely worthy of unconditional love x
Same here
This was my saving grace in high school. Realizing that her version of mothering is what you never do to any child or being you love. Good on you for seeing that silver lining and knowing you are worth so much more than you've been shown.
You're way ahead of me, then. I never even knew what the conditions were, only that I wasn't meeting them. I suspect she was just making up the conditions as she went along.
I've been no contact with my narcissist mother for 6 years. My holidays are great. Those of you who are scared to go no contact, do it. It's freeing and your health problems and psychological problems will get so much better. You can do it!
Also, my husband just said, “Every day is Mother’s Day for them.” Truth.
Sad but true. Some, should never become a mother, being a mother is about giving not other way around.
Facts!
Couple of my siblings thanked me on Mother’s Day’s for taking care of the narcissistic witch. Which I am no longer willing to do.
Ohhh sooo true
Happy mommy dearest day.
I’m gonna ignore her like I do everyday.
Same here.👍😎
same
In Sync with the Infinite Tundra 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗✨🤗✨✨✨🤗🤗🤗🤗
Same here
Even I suppose treat her well now,but I can not, because all the emotions to mother already lost in the childhood abuse time I do not realize.
It doesn’t make me feel isolated when other people share warm sentiments about their mother, but it angers me when those same people fail to understand that’s not everyone’s reality. As a child, I believed the abuse was “my cross to bear”. I was constantly trying to please her hoping she wouldn’t be abusive to me but the abuse never stopped. It took decades before I realized I could simply walk away from the abuse and my abuser. Estrangement has been my savior! Happy Mothers Day to those mothers that are truly deserving.
ESTRANGEMENT! AMEN!
@@robbkeele1590 Respect.
Especially when they say "but she's your MOTHER", like we're evil for judging, and that somehow anyone who is a mother must be inherently full of goodness. 💀
Unfortunately many people are very ignorant and will actually witness you being abused but deny that fact, if you speak up you will be dismissed with ` but thats your mother` `you are a bad person for saying lies about your mother` ` she could never do that, i dont believe you` simply because in many peoples mind, once a women wears the title of MOTHER, she has some unquestionable universal immunity to ever being questioned about wrong doing, is above reproach, can never be wrong or bad or seen as abusive......This kind of thinking aids the abuse and silences the victim by family, friends, society as nobody will believe you if you tell!
Autumnpixx ASMR - yeah .. when I tell my friends what my mother does to me .. they just don’t believe.. bcoz their mothers are capable of unconditional love
Grew up hearing “ when I die you will miss me” every time I didn’t want to do what she wanted me to do!! As a little kid those words was so harsh on me because I didn’t want to lose her and regret not making her happy ! I
I grew up hearing: " if you don't do as I please, I will have a heart attack, and you will never forgive yourself for killing your mother".
Same here now that iv been taking care of me she say I'm dying and u will miss me I no longer visit her and iv been in therapy I'm 55 and me trying it's over
THISS!!!!!!
My mother said out of the blue a few days ago, "You know, you have always been a disgusting worm.". She is 92 years old and I am 62. It seems they get worse as they get older. I limited my contract with her years ago.
😔
God bless you. I do not know you BUTT... You are Not a disgusting person much less a worm. Many HUGS SENT TO YOU.💞
Hi. Sending you hugs. My mother told me last week that she hopes the police kill me. I'm 46, and she's 78.
I'm sorry to see this - this is awful. 😞❤️❤️❤️
Let her rot, no point on keeping contact
I didn't realize my mother had narcissistic qualities until I was in my early 30s. Up until that point, there were times when I just couldn't stomach speaking to her and I couldn't hide it. Then she'd go crying to my dad about how mean I was to her and I'd get a lecture from him about treating my mom better. Looking back on it now, I now realize that I was a helpless child that was robbed of any agency - she was making herself look like the victim to get narcissistic supply from my dad. That disgust I felt was a natural gut reaction to her years of covert abuse, but having those feelings for her would end up making me feel incredibly guilty because I'd get lectures from so many people about how I need learn to treat my mom like a queen for giving me the gift of life. You can imagine what this experience can do to a developing brain that is only just beginning to figure out self-perception. I constantly felt like there was something wrong in the way I was conducting myself and that I was deeply flawed as a human being. I've gotten into some crazy situations as an adult and I think this upbringing had made me a target for being used and abused by people. It's incredibly sad to be living your life in such a destructive manner for 30+ years thinking that there was something wrong with me. The worse for me was that all of my mom's siblings took out their deep hatred towards my mom out on me as a child so I just didn't have anyone to turn to. I haven't spoken to her in over 5 years and she continues to make herself out to be the victim with people we mutually know, at which point I get the same lecture about respecting my mother more from them. I really do hope that people read this and think twice before guilt tripping a loved one into speaking to a family member. I know that some of you are just trying to help or mend a broken relationship, but some of these situations are really toxic and you may not realize what it's like because you had a more normal upbringing so this dynamic may be beyond your realm of understanding. I too wish I had a loving, present mother, but that was not my story and we all cope with this in our own ways - often times to protect ourselves for any more hurt than we have already experienced. I mourn almost everyday for not getting the love that I needed as an child and struggle to figure out how to fill that void every day of my life.
I can very much relate to this! I remember thinking as far back as I can remember that there was something wrong with me. Also your last sentences, I experience this daily as well.
I too have gotten myself into some crazy situations as an adult. It is a direct result of the trauma bond conditioning as a child. I have had blurred boundaries and the results have not been good
I feel this so deeply. I, too, have had to grieve the loss of a mother, even though she is still alive. She spins the most poisonous web but she somehow is always the victim.
I’m very sorry for your loss… childhood is precious and your mother should be the one to make it so. You and I have similar stories… my dad still comes to my moms defense knowing she is wrong. I’ve been kicked out of their home multiple times for upsetting her. They’ve threatened to “change their will” so that I can’t receive an inheritance. They’ve even turned family members against me as a response to me upsetting her. You’re very brave to have cut off your mother. I fear the retaliation too much to do that yet. Especially hearing from people how great she is and how terrible I am for treating her in such a way. I’ve gotten that lecture too, even from people I didn’t know.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but I’m comforted by the shared qualities of our stories.
This is me except my mom runs to my sister. I thought we were close but I realized her relationship with me was out of guilt and not genuine love. The moment I cut my mother off she cut me off too. I've struggled with feeling like I was a problematic loose canon all my life until faith played a role in redeeming my identity. But I'm at a place now when people bring up respecting my mother, forgiveness, and love.... my response is going to be miss me with your forced positivity bullshit. I think that's what worsened the self condemnation , it was the people that dismissed my hurt and told me that it was me. The people who said "some people don't have a mother"
When you have a narc mother, Mother's day is somewhat of awkward holiday
Yes
I stopped trying to find a card years ago because NONE described her at all. I wasn't going to lie or fake it either for the sake of a holiday.
Yes😂😭its the worst
teresa bone I feel this
I don't celebrate Mother's day! I gave up as a kid. Nothing was ever *good* enough which only destroyed me as a kid! 💔 Holidays are something I generally hate except Halloween...When you have a narcissist in your life, it gets pretty easy I find to hate holidays...
May anyone who has experienced this be blessed in your healing. When I was 7 years old, I purposely got left at a Walgreens for over 3 hours. I remember running after the car as my mom drove away; I knew that she could see me running to her in the review mirror. Nothing had happened for her to do this. I wasn't misbehaving or anything. Also, we lived over 30 min. away and she drove home without me with no intention to go pick me up. When my older sibling got home she asked were I was and my mom told her she left me at Walgreens. My sister went to pick me up and I remember feeling so relieved when I saw her drive into the parking lot. I am 37 years old now and I still to this day have never been so terrified, alone, rejected, and confused in my entire life. It took me well into my mid twenties to even tell this story. I still have only told 2 other people about this, one being my husband. Please pray for me as I'm still trying to heal, thank you... 😔 My dad also committed suicide on my mom's birthday when he was 38 years old. I'm not trying to be a pitty part, I just still have hurt and I can sympathize with anyone exposed to so much meaness and neglect. May you all be blessed. 🙏🌼
Hi,please don’t apologise for telling this story,you need to talk about it to heal.I pray that you get to experience true peace and love in your life.you deserve it
God help u dearie
A.777 Praying so you may find peace and joy. You had a terrible mother but life goes on. Seek therapy and distance yourself from people like this including your mother. Live the present and look forward to the future, live with gratitude for all the good things and focus on those. I too had a mildly narcissistic mother, she was toxic yet somehow I knew she loved me underneath all her pain. She had a terrible childhood with a horrible mother. Her traumas got to her and she tried constantly to be a good mother yet she didn’t have a good example. I decided to give her grace. She would tell me I owed everything to her, every sacrifice as a mother she did for me. I now had to pay her with caring for her and taking care of her every need even though I had my own family. I did. She lived with me and my family being a horrible grandma, she damaged my oldest(I didn’t know this until now that she is 19)she died in my home in her sleep. My mother hated her life and lived in her sorrows, she walked with a dark cloud over her head and gave up on herself for the last 30 years of her life. Sorrow and hate took her health for those 30 years. When she died I cried for 2 days, than I was free and in peace…I know now she is also at peace.
You're mums a total dick. You are in my prayers. I pray you find the bestest version of yourself like me. You deserve so much more beautiful sunshine 😘😘💚💚💚💚💚
@@wendymeyung5093 woah, my values wont permit me to do that with my mother. "Life goes on" don't need to be a reason for "forgiveness".
Real forgiveness does not always have to result in reconciliation. Even If you can empathize with their past or with them.
My siblings and I have always joked about my mother being the “Dream Killer”. Decades later I now realize how unfunny that is.
Patty Stodola My siblings also joked my mother would destroy anything .We really tried to please her ,nice restaurants ,meals in our homes ,she just wrecked everything .The ultimate was babysitting our 3 year old son , she left him at the park .That was too much ,it could ended in disaster
My grandma
PERFECT NAME ☠️🛌☠️🛌☠️🛌
mine is a dream killer that’s why i REFUSE to tell her what i’m doing today. learnt from my mistake!
@Patty Stodola I can totally relate. If I came home excited about anything it would get squashed in a second. I've always though our family crest should be, walking on eggshells, raining on a parade and bursting a balloon.
I feel sorry for people who don't know their mother is a narcissist. If they knew they they might get stronger and awakening
Yes! Great one! I just realized it at age of 37!
I’m 35 and always knew deep down but just really had enough the past year. Even moving out of state she suffocates me constantly. I’ve been trying to create boundaries but she terrifies me. Not physically but just being upset with me. It’s exhausting
Nothing much u can do ... Just keep on listening what u lack is all u have...
Yep, found it out after 40 years strugguling
Agree. I'm just now, aged 43, taking in this stark new perspective, thanks to the lens Dr Ramani has gifted us. There's so much that makes sense now!
It's freeing and horrifying, but I can't help but feel this is the start of a new way. I'm so thankful for that!
My mother is a covert narsissist and her need for approval and admiration makes me vomit. Days like Mother's day are THE days for her, the days when she can boast about being an amazing mother to her WONDERFUL children, when in truth, she has harmed me more than any other person in the planet and I have had to work so much to get over even half of that. Sending her greeting cards and talking about gratefulness just seems so far away from my experience. Worst part about is that my mother truly believes that she is absolutely amazing and nothing will compare to how amazing mother she is and how delightful it was to be a mother to her....
You are absolutely on point.
My Ex was like that. The most toxic woman I have ever met. Never was responsible for any of the wrongdoings she did. Always a victim. Bursts of unprovoked anger and the most manipulative bitch ever. She alienated our daughter against me from age 3 to 11 and I never saw her again after that. She is now 15 and her whole life will be a catastrophe as she has no sense of worth because always brought down by her beloved mother. She will be an ideal prey for pimps and abusers. Thanks a million Super mom!
I went no-contact with my mom (actually I think it was 3 years ago, I don't keep score of that) and she sent me a mother's day card with a pic of her and me (when I was younger). I cried a little, cuz pics trigger memories / emotions w/e. I never replied and still haven't talked to her since. She's dead in my mind.
That's exactly what I experienced. She would say things and judge other people on the topic of parenting, that you would think, she is a saint. When in reality it was the complete opposite.
Yep the need for approval and admiration is high on those days, like you have play along or you risk bursting their bubble and you'll get rage and silent treatment instead if you dare burst the illusion. Horrible gaslighting every mothers day where you have to even gaslight yourself and say it's not so bad etc.
My mother was like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. And, I'm not joking when I say that -- the crazy fits, the tone of voice, the manipulation. It was all so accurate.
Same. It's hard for people who haven't lived it to know.
Same. It’s devastating
@@SuzkaMares it gets worse with age. They become even more devious
@@ekkamailax that's a scary thought. Btw, your beats are nice.
@@SuzkaMares haha thank you! I would lock myself in my room as a kid after being abused and played instruments to escape from the pain so that’s where the talent comes from.
I often wonder how different my life would be if I had a mother who actually loved me... who didn't abuse me or steal from me.... who didn't use me... who didn't sabotage me. The hurt in me runs so deep. Even five years out from cutting ties I'm still broken and affected. I'm still judged by and hated by my whole family.
you are not alone! be strong ... you will survive and finally be happy. 🌹❤
@@alexandranunkisahriarti2019 thank you for your kindness!!!❤❤❤❤
Thanks for commenting this! It’s horrible
@@morgandawn6413 Darling ... I don't even know you. I am a stranger but I can feel what you have.
To be in peace with what you have, I think you do not focus on the bad luck, athough the journey you have been throung isn't easy.
I am glad you TRY finding ways to heal your wounded but beautiful soul. I pray for your success, happiness, good luck, good health. I am sure you will soon be there. Hang on for awhile.
May I share this video fb.watch/20_LTyI5H0/ .
You need to love yourself first, be confident, and be strong 🤗🌹.
Good luck, son! English is not my first language, I hope you understand what I meant. Best of luck to you 🌹❤.
So sorry for you , I have often felt like you too Morgan, my mom now has altzheimers , and doesn't remember that I was the "invisible child" or that my sister was the "golden child" , she can barely remember our names,...its easier this way for me, and a bit freeing .
I am mothering myself and promised to become the best mother for me. Happy Mother's Day☀☀☀☀😍😘😘
Nisha Sharma girl same
@@artsydoll888 Happy mothers day😍😍😘😘
@Daisy351 😘😘😘😇
I love this.... I do the same❤️️
I was 45 when I found out my mom was the narc, not me! She always tried to make me feel like I was the aweful one when all she did was project!
Most narc parents do that. They swear up and down that their children are the narcissist and even still that narcissistic (toxic) behavior had to develope over time from someone...Be careful though: You may not be a narc yourself but you can unintentionally carry toxic traits from your mom.
Lol i didn't find out until I was 40.
Me too. I have been lucky enough to find a supportive and loving partner against all the odds. She is my saviour! 🙏🏻
Same with me. I am a really rational person and don´t show emotions often (esp. in front of my mom as i apparently feel the wrong feelings all the time lol). so my mother always accuses me of being cold hearted, a bad person, not empathic, etc. and i actually used to think that she was right, i was so manipulated. I only recently realized, that i am way too empathic and always want to make people happy etc. (because i don´t want anyone to experience what i went through) and i only rationalise as a coping mechanism! And i always believed her that she is suuuch an empathic and kind person and always wants the best for me blabla, and now i really wonder how i ever fell for this. If she really was like this, she would have never ever treated me and my siblings the way she did and does.
@J Funny, I just read that, of all possible coping mechanisms, narcissists employ projection more than any other.
Thanks for sharing your story (and the empirical knowledge!).
Wow! So very true. Didn’t know I was permitted to have my own feelings or that they mattered until I was in my 40’s. All my life was spent monitoring others peoples sorrow and how to help them. Finally learned to say NO in my late 40’s. I was the worlds best doormat.
me too, have evil mom, evil family members
I am in my early 40’s and literally just learned that I’m allowed to have any feeling I feel and that they are valid. I still struggle with it. Wtf
That's MY line!
I’m almost 30 and just now learning this. It’s a long road ahead but we got this.
I don't know how but my daily mission (in my 40's) became about helping my mom and sister. I had a growing family at the time, and everything was cool with my own family. But my mom and sister needed help, usually connected to money, all of the time. I was so busy raising two little kids that there were times I didn't even drag out the boxes of the "seasonal change of clothes", i.e, my summer clothes. I remember during that period of time. Our washing machine was located downstairs in our house. It was Christmas time. The mechanism that "shuts off the water when the washer fills" didn't work and we had water everywhere in our family room, downstairs bedrooms, etc. We had to call a crew in, they ripped the carpet up, they placed huge fans. It was awful. We bought a top of the line washer and dryer. My sister said to me, very snottily, "What does it do?" I said, innocently, "Well, the dryer spins around every once in awhile if I don't get down there right away to take the clothes out".
Her answer, "It must be nice not to have to worry about your electricity bill". Repeat: Christmas season. Water everywhere. Ruined carpet. Lost the month of December.
She didn't see that. She was only bothered by the fact I got to have a nice washer and dryer. Example of mother at same time period: Our house was a starter house. It was built in the 70's. Our door handle (the original) was wearing out. We found out we needed to hire a carpenter and put in a whole new door. My mom was highly upset with me because I was getting a new door. That was 25 years ago. Has anything changed? No.
My mom's favorite saying out of many, "You gonna need me something, just wait". This mental block had me living low because I was afraid off failure, which she often spoke into my life too. Soon as I moved away to a different state, I became far more successful than I've ever been. In 3 years, I built 2 businesses (Get a REAL job), and I'm the first to build a brand new house, and I own the biggest house in that family. Of course she fabricated new reasons to justify her hate. Heres to 2022, a year of positivity.
I moved away a few years to get away from my family. Well my mom and one sis who drove me nuts. It was the best 5 years of my life. I moved back home and I am once again miserable at my moms manipulative behavior. I am thinking of moving out of state again just for peace of mind
I think you still need help like I and many others do. The fact that you staying what material you have …
@@MsEmnet27 I don't understand, care to explain?
@@EricDejuanOOO validation thru ur accomplishments. Tell me, do you feel like you’re enough?
@@lhynilrivera6259 enough for who or what?
💕Mother's Day💕 can be a painful reminder of the "wished-for mother,"- thank you for sharing this validating video for so many wounded children! 👏👏
💔💔
Really well said.
Dr. Kim Sage ...yes !..But then some realize that she will NEVER be what her want her to be...and that would be REAL+unselfish etc ! It will never be " functioning or normal". For some of us who were adopted it is even more disturbing...
@@jengable4888 You are so right, it NEVER will be functioning or normal and working on accepting that truth can be hard to do, but so healing. I can only imagine how even more disturbing and confusing it can be around adoption, and I am sure there are many who would so deeply support what you experienced. Thank you for sharing this, because I am doing a lot of work on talking about childhood and parenting, and this makes me think I should also be talking about adoption too. 💕💕
@@xianshep I am so sorry for your pain💕
Ugh I feel this daily. The anxiety and depression and grief. I tend to cry when I see an appropriate example of a loving relationship between a mother and their child and didn’t fully understand why. Now I do.
Yes - like grieving for someone who has died. It might be helpful to consider tools for grief? Teal Swan will no doubt have some things you can implement to work through the pain and loss. Because it is a loss of sorts x
Emilee same with you on this feeling please don’t feel alone love from Australia 🇦🇺
Kinda same, I feel you
Sending hugs and love, i totally get it
Same
I’m 62. The Mom finally died last month. I’ve cut my vicious, narcissistic sister out of my life now that my B mom died. I wish I had not let my sister manipulate me into taking care of her during her decline and death. I’m disabled, I have a chronic autoimmune disease and I could only do so much and stress is the number one trigger. December was like a nightmare I could not wake from. I’m currently sick and exhausted. But Dr. R is helping me.
It's wise to cut toxic people out of your life. They generally don't add anything positive. They also are a never ending drain on your emotions and finances. :)
My mother does not deserve any acknowledgement on Mother’s Day or any other day! It was never my fault, even though she wanted to make me believe otherwise. Sick!!
I'm right there with you, Stay strong.
same!!! she lies about mt childhood all the time & makes me question my sanity everyday😡
I had a mother who was never satisfied with Mother's Day. It made no difference what we did for her or gave her as a present. She was pretty much that way towards her children, too; for example, we were never successful enough, attractive enough, or talented enough, etc. Every holiday was a nightmare: she would start criticizing about small issues after we had driven many hours to be with her. Finally, I decided to quit feeding her ego. That made Mom really angry, so she gossiped about me to everyone. She died without us ever reconciling, but I realize there is never a happy ending in a narcissistic relationship, so I had to save myself.
Live in your truth @ Renee Harris ❤🌹🌺🧘🏾♀️☘
You’re so right‼️🌸🌸♥️
My narcissistc mother died alone in a nursing home on December 13, 2019. I had went no contact with her in 2009. I had gotten to the point where I was chasing love which just wasn't there. I accepted her for who she was, I forgave her and I went no contact because being in a relationship with her was like being in a relationship with a cardboard cutout. There was nothing genuine about her and every attempt I tried to do or not do to get close to her always ended up toxic. So, I picked myself up, stopped chasing an illusion and walked away. I never got genuine love from her, so I mourned my loss and learned to love myself. The woman just wasn't capable of genuine love.
@Daisy351 There comes a point in time where you stop and you realize that your needs matter. I learned the hard way that I never mattered to this woman. I was either a burden or an object there to serve her needs. Trust me, they don't care if your gone. They'll replace you with another source of supply because they are incapable of genuine love or emotional attachnent. Sorry to say but that's just who they are.
I did the exact same thing. I gave up a long time ago.
Me too, tried so hard to please her all my life, yet no matter what i did, i was never good enough, smeared me, lied about me to everyone, broke our family and turned everyone againste me, made herself to be a victim, got her flying monkeys to harass me and find out info about me, did bad stuff to hurt my life, always jealous, saying hurtful cruel things to see me hurt and cry......very sick women, i forgave her and moved on, no contact for a super long time now......its like mourning the death of someone you loved so much but who didnt give one damn about you! her loss not mine!
@@Kim-vs4vb In the end they destroyed themselves. Their lives are horrible. Their default emotion is shame and disgust for themselves. All the pain that she inflicted upon you was How she felt inside herself 10 times over? In fact looking back at my mother's life. She was filled with nothing, but rage anger And I believe that's because she could not find Any balance or stability in her life was forever struggling with relationships Not to mention that she was on welfare her entire life Always angry at everyone. Meanwhile, why don't you get a job Then you would not be so frustrated in life. And then she would say no. I can't I mentally Disturbed and I have all these physical ailments. I'm crazy. I have tubes and things in my body. And then tell me that there's something wrong with me. Not to mention the fact that she had absolutely no morals. Was ridiculously violence and impossible to be around. But yet she played the victim. Did not take long to get her out of my life. The embodiment of Pure Evil yet. She according to her is the victim.
@@greenspider1598 unfortunately we had to grow up like this, but i choose to not be a victim yet i was one by the one who claims to be the victim...the irony of it all!
trying to find a mother's day card that isn't full of fluffy lies, is a timely task!
Amén!
Omg I thought I was the only one who struggled with that!
A long time ago I figured this one out. Sentimental cards were no good because I knew they were lies. So did she. I settled on the funny cards. They're not sentimental but they fulfill the obligation of giving some kind of card. She never gets the jokes anyway.
I hate mothers day! Nothing is ever good enough and it feels like an awful obligation I'd rather not be a part of. It's never a day for me and my kids.
Is that the truth or what? When you learn from reading GREETING CARDS what a mother is supposed to be like. No wonder I always bought blank ones and wrote my own message.
Yes. The grief over knowing you’ve been robbed of a true, loving and supportive mother is very real. The good thing is, there are many people who come into our lives to be our “mother”…and we can learn to mother ourself. 💖
So true
Amen to that! They may have treated us horribly, but it's up to us to stop those cycles and to heal ourselves. Someone above said, "Because of my mother I am _________", to which I would say, "Honey, allow that to start being in the past and decide that you're going to start changing NOW, because it's up to you to take the wheel of your own life and choose a new direction and destination." And yes, the grief is real. There's no denying that. I've been crying for pretty much the whole week leading up to tomorrow (Mother's Day 2023). But, even though it's so so painful being "no contact" and not being able to pick up the phone and call her, I'm better off without her emotional abuse or the many "accidents" that her bad juju brought into my life.
Why do narcissist mothers act they way they do. It's like they never learned how to love anything, but themselves. It's so toxic and hurtful.
I’ve isolated for awhile now and I’m beginning to Self Actualize and becoming Happier. It all started with reparenting myself.
1: Know Yourself(Years of Gaslighting caused Self Doubt)
2. Stop Comparing Yourself to others(due to constant comparisons made by NMom)
3. Making and Maintaining Eye Contact(Anxiety caused by NMom and Covert Sis)
4. Smiling(Narc Family was offended by my happiness during childhood)
5. Setting Boundaries(This pretty much keeps toxic folk from entering)
Practicing these 5 steps has helped me to become the person I was always meant to be.
In Sync with the Infinite Tundra 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
🤗🧡
oh my dear! You have hit the nail on the head for me with no 4 and 5 ! How they hate our happiness!!!! I was a happy bubbly child till they skinned it off me.
In Sync definitely!
This is so handy, thank you! I especially am prone to struggling with 1 and 2. Your cheatsheet makes it so much easier to get clarity and perspective -- part of the self-actualization process.
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 10 yrs because of this type of behavior. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I finally feel good about myself and free.
Do you still talk to your siblings or father? I feel angry at them for not choosing my side more actively and also mildly abusing me sometimes because of this fake image shes created about me. :( i feel like trying to get them on mt side is just a petter battle. But honestly without my family i feel depressed like i miss my dad and siblings sometimes a lot. And even my mother sometimes...the good times but i know her No Contact is non negotiable for me. Just wondering if i should go no contact with them all???
@@HighPriestess-mq5hc Unfortunately, both my father and only sibling committed suicide. That's one of the main reasons I stopped speaking to her. I'm sorry but I don't feel qualified to answer your question.
Soon as I move out I'll be doing the same thing, I feel sorry for my dad tho! I've wasted 29 years of my like being controlled by her.
@@donna6368 I don't want to come across as insensitive, but were their suicides in anyway influenced by your mom? If so that is truly heart breaking. I'm married with kids and I recently separated from my mom. it legit felt like an entire divorce with a custody battle for her grandkids. But the way my self esteem and overall quality of life flourished I couldn't believe I was under such bondage. I'm still praying for my sister, she has chosen to stand against me with my mom. We were best friends and it felt like a death when she cut me off.
@@RearviewWisdom You're not being insensitive at all. My Father had already left the marriage so that's a no for him. My brother left behind a letter stating she was the reason he was taking his life. He could no longer handle with her behavior, blackmailing and constant interference in his marriage.
I just wish I would've known what was going on. At that point I had already started to back off from her because of how invasive she was becoming in my life. I'm sorry that your sister is siding with your mom. Please don't let that bring you down. Continue to live your life with happiness and "freedom". 💗 Hopefully one day your sister will realize why you stepped away.
This is my mother Carol Haub from Jeffersonville, Indiana. I tried to make her happy from childhood. Straight A’s were not enough. I took on her parental responsibilities for my siblings, cooking, cleaning and taking care of her emotions. She robbed me of my childhood. Finally gave up and went no contact with her in 2008. She is a very disturbed individual. Finally have peace.
Shera Guydosh Yes! I love it when people name their narc abusers. Good for u.
Lmfaoooo @ the name drop and location 🤣🤣
Let me sum up Mother’s Day with a little story: Pavlova Perfume was launched in 1977. At that time it was very expensive and difficult to find. You had to go to the most exclusive department stores to find it. Even at that young age, I had already given up on trying to please her and dreaded having to look for something that I knew wasn’t going to be appreciated or would receive some backhanded compliment, but my Dad was undaunted. I remember him seeing in the newspaper and whispering to me that were going to get some to surprise my Mother. I was reluctant but he was insistent, so off we went. Found the expensive perfume. Was told told it had just arrived from Paris (literally saw the sales girls taking out of international shipping containers). Had it professionally wrapped. Next day, Happy Mothers Day! She opens the box. First words? “Oh. Perfume. Thank you.” I was expecting it so I didn’t care, but my Dad was incensed. I think that was the first time he was exposed to the true mother I saw daily. He called her on it and she laughed embarrassed and began gushing over it after he told her all the trouble and expense he went through to get it. I just gave him the “welcome to my world” look and went to my room. I miss my Dad. Narcissistic mothers are exhausting.
I had a similar experience. She was/is hard to shop for. I bought her concert tickets for her birthday one year (I was a young adult guilty that I had not ever been able to do something for her). She sold the tickets because “concerts are a scam, the artists always stop singing and ask the audience to.” This was over 20 years ago; last year, she bought tickets to see the same artist I had bought her tickets for all those years earlier.
@@deannabrown9334 you don’t still shop for her, do you?
@@starryyeyess this occasion was over 20 years ago and I learned my lesson then. I’ve never tried to buy her anything since.
Yes I have tension headache meds on deck. When dealing with that woman
I could never win with giving my mom gifts. When I started earning my own money, she would always point out that I had spent money. Controlling the money was always a huge deal for her. And she hated the fact that she no longer had control over that. Gifts reflected that in a big way.
I'm spending the day reaching out to all of the other amazing women who mothered me when my mom was too busy focusing on herself.
me too!! thats healthy and a great way for me to express and receive love. Have a blessed day
❤❤❤
"If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy" I always thought that was...unhealthy to think that way. But I didn't realized quite how fucked up (and true to life) that statement is.
My mom was the same way, and she would lecture us about how wrong it is to make others unhappy just because you're unhappy.
I thought it was funny until I learned (thanks to people like Dr Ramani) how f up that expression actually is.
It isn't just my mom who's like that, but my dad and older brother too. If they're pissy, they want me to be pissy too
The constant walking on eggshells with my narc mother is exhausting..so scared she will flip her switch at any given moment..the rages are the worst..the things she has called me throughout my life are unforgivable...but I still motor on and pretend to enjoy her at times..now I know how she is I do not allow the tage..name calling to bother me..I understand it's part of her sick twisted brain..so glad I got my dad's genes and brain!!
No Contact ‼️she doesn’t deserve you🌼
I relate so much.
I'm 66 and didn't realize my mom was a narcissist until about a month ago. She was big on punishing and guilting for pretty much everything. My brother (15 mo. older- also a narc.) was her favorite. She often reminded me that my birth was an accident, that I owed her for my very existence. I spent most of my life trying to repay the "debt" but never seemed to get it right. I never mourned her death & that's always bothered me.
Know the feeling ! I look at it this way .. when she dies is the day I was born . Not your fault . But never ever to that to your children ❤
Please Sally don’t let that bother You , you can never mourn , what U never had ! I was 60 now 62 when I realized My Mom was Demon possessed! I want shed a Damn Tear when She dies ! It will be the greatest relief I’ve ever felt ! She’s 84 and still as Hateful and Mean as ever ! What a Sad life! I just recently closed on my dream home 🏡 and She has literally wrote Me out of Her life because I’m living My Dream ! How f- - ked is that ?
Yes. I never realized that a parent making their child believe that their very existence is a debt that can never be repaid was not normal until a few weeks ago too.
wow😥❤️
You got nothing to feel guilty about! I was reminded that I was a "little bastard!"
The older I get, the more I become less bothered by Mother’s Day. I’m free from guilt gifting & feeling obligated to do things that I don’t feel are deserved. This day will be sweeter when I have children of my own, but for now I choose to not acknowledge this day at all.
People have to earn respect. Not a given
Lucky for you, I sit down and ponder to myself why should I even wish her a Mother’s Day. My mum ( I’m not even proud of calling her that ) is a sociopath, manipulative and evil woman. She will go to any length to see those who are a threat to her destruct. Any time it’s Mother’s Day I chose to keep quiet and ignore the day. When I get my kids I will never let my mum know or expose my kids to her because I have to protect my kids from her. If I begin to tell you what she did wrong to me and other relatives... she is like the Caligula to all other mums in the world. I’m ashamed of her 100 percent
@@leillawawira3248 Define 'Mother's Day'. ...?!!
I don't get her anything either, but I do give my dad gifts for Father's day it pisses her off.
My mom never really appreciated anything I made or bought for her. I would be scolded for buying her stuff because of “wasting money,” but when I didn’t get her anything, I was accused of not caring about her.
This is SO relatable!
Yeah, it's never enough or never right..
Same!
Yes...no win!!
I got verbally punished when I bought her gifts (because for her, nothing is enough and appropriate) and shunned/guilted when I didn't buy her anything. Recently, I stopped trying but she still gives me HELL when I get something nice for myself or for others. Even when I hide the gifts if she finds out she will punish me in an indirect way.
I gave up trying to please my mother around the age of 10 or 11. That's when I realized that My mother was a miserable person Years upon years of her doing everything she could to make me feel uncomfortable and humiliate me in front of people. Just made me want nothing to do with her anymore.
Sorry you went through all that. It truly hurts takes awhile to work thru the damage. 💗💜
Sending you love in your recovery.
What amazing insight you had at such a young age. Wishing you all the best 👍
@@ZestyAqua I would like to think that I am no longer a victim and now a survivor. Still Mother's Day has a different meaning for me than most people. She Was a monster rest in peace?
@@greenspider1598 Rather thrive than survive. But, I'm glad you are in the process of healing from you Momster. It really hurts more the emotional side.
You actually don't have to forgive it's a myth. She took peace away you are taking it back.
Did you mother drive friends away? Devalue you? Made it impossible to have people around?
@@ZestyAqua to tell you the truth she was at one time she was arrested for murder but got out of it master manipulator and pathological liar and always played the victim but was pure evil a demonic entity that I called mom
Realizing that your parents aren't capable of love was such a hard realization that I couldn't accept it until recently. I knew she made me feel terrible and my life would go to pieces whenever I had regular contact with her, my mind could not accept the why. I can accept the thought of nonexistence easier than that. Even writing this makes me feel ashamed.
As they say, you can choose your friends, not your family! You MUST look after yourself. If your parants are upsetting you in any way then you must set boundries and if needs be, not see them as much if at all. Only when you take control can you really heal. If my mum didn't have cancer then I would have walked away by now. I'm in the process of distancing myself from her and i'm ready to set some boundries. If she keeps saying the crap she says then I won't see her for a period of time. I'm all she has and she will die a loanly old woman if she's not careful!!!
Do not ever feel ashamed for sharing a very real, true part of your life. The why is called selfishness, it sounds like your mom was selfish, lacking empathy and compassion. These are not characteristics some people encompass. Being honest with yourself is the only was to heal. Be mindful of giving yourself grace and acceptance of your story and you will heal.
I'm a happy mom today because I have kids who love me and will talk to me.
Success is when the kids grow up, support themselves and still talk to you.
So true - we tolerate narcissistic relationships, friendships and siblings because it was modelled to us by a narcissistic mother ❤️
Yep, I ended up in 2 narcissistic relationships..
@@vegigirl7440 same here. So common isn’t it
@@vegigirl7440 same
I just found out my mom placed a AirTag GPS on my car, she first denied it and then she blamed my dad…. What am I supposed to do here I am done with this family and I can’t afford yet to move out
@@WonderAffirmations be wise, stay quiet. Until you can move on, by yourself on your own two feet. Don’t let them know or are trying to leave or it will be sabotaged. Warning like the others have said we tend to get into relationship with narc as we’re so conditioned. Some can keep their masks on for years, it’s so unbelievable. It’s not until you see the patterns again. But the sex can make you blind for a long time. Remember if your caught in a intense romantic relationship, that’s not equal to intimate relationship.
This comment is dedicated to everyone caught in between hope and
fear for the next year. Hugs.
What a lovely comment
Mine was broken by her death; I didn't realise about any of it until she went and suddenly, after the grief, there was this tremendous FREEDOM! I could go to bed when I want, watch whatever I want on TV, go where I wanted; it's amazing! Opening a cage that I ever saw. I was always making sure she was as happy as I could make her, it was never enough and there would always be something not right.
This is a song Called "Nothin comoares to u" by prince such sad song
Wow, I didn't expect to cry so much from watching this video. I was always my mom's emotional punching bag. It hurts me to see other people have such close loving relationships with their moms.
Carl Grey me too 😘
My scapegoated husband was too .....the stories are heartbreaking......you’re not alone♥️
Me too!
same here, 😪 ... wish you be healed
at 13 i remember giving my mother an oil painting i did myself for mother's day, i bought the canvas, the materials, watched videos, damn i was really craving her validation so bad, i wanted to impress her. i was excited. but when she looked at it and put on a discontented face, straight up disappointment, she said 'meh'. i look back on that day and cry, cause i was only a child and i did not deserve at all. screw that woman.
Awww I’m sorry. Im sure it was an amazing painting 💜💜💜
Not to sound weird but I wish I were your mama on that day to show you your efforts were so precious! She is blessed to have a daughter like you! My mom did this with each and every birthday and Christmas gift… now I don’t even see her on those days.
I would have been very moved if one of my kids gave me that
Yeah. Screw this damn disorder! They stole our moms. :((
yesterday was my moms birthday i made her a cake. she screamed at me because she didn’t like it
I have a narcissistic mother. It took me years to realise this and come to terms with it. I stupidly tried to explain my feelings and my point of view. But to no avail. To her I am never enough. So I decided to be enough to myself. It hurts to know that I will never have a healthy relationship with my mum buy I cannot change her. The only thing I can change is me and my perception of the real mother I've got. I don't hate her. I pity her. And I think it is a good start on my way to recovery.
True that ! Ditto 🙋♂️
Loved reading this! 👍🏽🤗
Thank you so much - I am so grateful that I have found you. ❤ 52 years of trying to please and connect with someone who secretly hates you and has the label ‘Mum’ is literally ‘Soul Destroying’ …. She’s the most caring ‘friend, neighbour and friend to my friends’ ?! So they all think I’m delusional, mean, imagining … To come here and ‘know’ I am not alone is a ‘Game Changer’ … My life ‘starts now’ … Sending love and strength to anyone reading this… Take your power back, I have… ❤
57 and just found there’s a label for how my mother was / is. ❤️❤️❤️
I feel you
I remember for christmas getting my mom a gift card to her favorite store because i always had a history of getting my mom the wrong gift. So a gift card seemed to be a safe bet. My mom cried and threw the card in my face and said I didnt care about her.....i was 15 years old and spent all my babysitting money on that gift card.. Holidays are the worst. Christmas is still my least favorite holiday because every year she would make drama out of it.
I don’t even bother with getting my mother gifts anymore for this reason. She complains i don’t get her anything. I remind her that she has complained and disliked every gift i have ever given her, so why should I bother?
How cruel, I'm so sorry she did that. You were so thoughtful and kind in your gesture.
Oh my goodnesses that’s so awful! I’m so sorry you had to go through this :,(
I'm so sorry you went through that. When I was 16, I spent all my money on concert tickets for my parents (both narcs),and they just gave me a response of "you shouldn't have spent your money on us". A different reaction, but still that feeling that it wasn't appreciated.
My mother ruined my wedding day , I think back regretting not taking her advice and going the court house so she wouldn't of been there . I couldn't have the small family gathering but my bestfriend wouldn't tear me down and eat up all the food that I prepared before I got to it. She also wouldn't invite a bunch of people I didn't want there .. I would've saved alot more money and wouldn't of cried. Anytime I had any attention she found ways to ruin it and turn it around to make me the bad guy and have me in trouble. My Friends didn't even want to come to my house because how she'd act .
For everyone that was told to follow the commandment about honoring their parents, G-d didn't mean let them get away with abuse. Today I can celebrate a day of freedom... from her. Nothing to miss.
This is important. My abusive mother has thrown that commandment around. What she means when she says it is that her children should continue to pay homage to her regardless of how she treats us.
Cathy Looks me both the same 😂
I'm curious - why do people write God as G-d?
Mee too told her I was busy laughed hung up the phone. I hurts but it's for the best
Mee too told her I was busy laughed hung up the phone. I hurts but it's for the best
There's only 1 recommendation to my own narc mother: NO CONTACT! 👍
Yup
Me too! NO CONTACT.
Right - I did go no contact years ago -- and for those who were always making excuses for her -- bad childhood, bad life whatever that she had --- I wasn’t brought into the world to fix her nor do I want to anymore. I felt like I was being judged for walking away - but I wouldn’t carry someone around with a broken leg -- I would expect them to do the work to fix it themselves by following doctors orders and walking with crutches etc. Same with someone who is a narc. Walk away from those who are too lazy to get help themselves.
Indeed 100% and each day it feels better and better
Corinna Schütt how does one do this , esp if mother is alone , and needs your support
What you said about narcissists behaving their worst on important days really hits home for me. I still vividly remember my mother leaving in the middle of my graduation and taking my father with her because she couldn't stand that she was not the center of attention. It hurt so bad bc everyone elses families were there. And before the graduation ceremony I got my makeup and hair done and she immediately became jealous and started ignoring me. Instead of saying I look nice she started complementing the hair dresser's dog and didn't even acknowledge my presence. And on birthdays she doesn't get me presents or even a bd cake. It's truly heartbreaking when society tells you to be grateful for someone lacking empathy like this.
Im so 😔 sorry you had to go through so much carelessness by someone who was supposed to care for you.
Spot on. My mum storms off that no one is paying her any attention or she turns up 3hrs late or flat out refuses to come unless we beg her. If I say I understand if you don't want to come she goes crazy that no one cares . . It's literally like dealing with a toddler.
@@michellegash1319 it looks like there's nothing you can do that will please her! You are in a no win situation with someone who does this. Her goal is to find something to be mad about.💙
Wow.....well done you for graduating...xxx yr mum was a piece of work!! Mine used to scoff and tease and undermine me as a teenager cos she cdnt handle me getting male attention....xx
WOW!!!! THANK YOU!!! When my mother would come to the hospital to see her new grandchild,she would cringe at having to be around someone else who was the center of attention,so she would end up "falling down" or "walking into a utility cart"or "spilling hot coffee on herself or "choke" on her food so she can be rushed to the ER section of the hospital by wheelchair.This was a woman who had no problem stealing the spotlight on an hours old infant
I would love it if you did a video on closure after the death of a narcissistic parent. How you balance their evil behavior with the good things they did and the love you have for them. Also, I hope you are going to do one on narcissistic fathers. I think there is a slightly different dynamic there.
@eric haase I just can't imagine her dying without us having reconciliated before that. It just can't be.
Because that 15% of the time she was truly loving, I could feel her love was heartfelt.
And that's the person I want to remember. That's my mom.
But how do I dodge that other 85% ?! I am no contact but loathing every second of it.
At the same time I instantly reenter my suicidal depression when I do have contact with her.
She will just... attack. Full-on. That's how I experience it anyway.
I wish everyone here a happy mother's day, for that "15%" when she was being real.
I spent YEARS pre-writing my mother's eulogy - trying to find the legitimate "good" that other people saw in her - things I could stand up and say honestly in Church. It was my way of trying to balance my own Rage when I finally "woke" to all the damage SHE had caused by her self-absorbed incompetent parenting. The eulogy I ended up delivering was about my Gratitudes - for the things she taught me & for the things that we DID share (a sweet tooth). The Deeper Truth though was in what was NOT spoken. My words were VERY carefully chosen - to both speak Truth AND Honor those who didn't "know" her in the same way that I (her Scapegoat) did. What I wanted to say to them (but didn't) was "You Guys OWE me! I held her Darkness, so You could experience her Light."
I've just recently realized (to my great surprise) that I DID Care Deeply ABOUT the welfare of my mother. But I did NOT care For the way she treated me and I Could Not Care WITH her. There was No "WE". I think "Love" is a complicated word .....
@@SuspiriaX I hear your anguish & my heart aches. Please know that YOU MATTER. Your Pain Matters. Your Emotional Safety Matters. A lot. Perhaps for now you could focus on your own Healing and let that be enough. The future will play out as it does. Your best bet is to meet it as strong and healthy as possible. May you be Well. May you Stay Safe. Heart Hugs.
Free2B Me yesss this is exactly how I feel, perfectly articulated!
@@free2bme679 I love how you said you held her darkness so that others could experience her light. WOW! That is so true!
In my childhood everything between my mom and me was about my mom.
Girl, same.
It still is. Yesterday was my birthday and after driving 9 hours to surprise her for her birthday last week, she woke me up yesterday telling to start cleaning. I caught her scowling at my answers when she though I couldn't see her, and it was chilling. The entire day she ordered me around, even yelling at me while I was in the bathroom asking me what I was doing. She has no concept of boundaries and appropriate behavior. She was so awful all day. I want to cut her off permanently, but I am worried about the drama she will cause.
Ditto
Yep my cancer was all about her and why did this happen to HER.
@@missminti are you an adult? time to go to therapy and learn boundaries. If you're an adult you're going to have to cut the cord.
It's as if Dr. Ramini has been a fly on the wall throughout my entire life. I'm so grateful for being able to get these talks for free as I can't afford a therapist. After I listen to one of Dr. Ramini's talks, I write in a journal. Yesterday, I found a few talks on the ACE Study. No wonder I'm struggling, still at 60, because I scored 10 on the ACE scale. But the thing I've got going for me, and I don't know where it came from, is resilience. I have very strong resilience.
There's a lot to be said for resilience. I say I am resourceful. I now am going to add resilience. Resilient and Resourceful. Thank you!
Probably the thing I am most proud of myself for, is my resilience and strength. I believe that is why my mother hated me. Ironically, I believe her behaviour only made me stronger.
Excellent, thank you :) I bet you are a good chess player too. I am always one or two moves ahead of most. Survival skill.
N N I found one - acesconnection.com It should be interesting. Good luck to you too!
Would love to connect with you . Are you on facebook? @MicheleBishop
I’m in my 40s and I finally decided to break ties with my mother and other narc families members. That means I’m all alone in the world. I can’t stop crying for the first few months and I also got calls from other relatives(flying monkeys) and even police. I only spoke to the police and politely asked him not to call me again. He is very understanding even I didn’t provide much details, which magically comforts my heart. I’m still in the process of healing. The memory with my mom doesn’t hurt me that much. I’m also able to identify several narcissists around me.
I wished my mother ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ and she replied ‘Ok’ bringing tears to my eyes. She is currently giving me silent treatment bcoz I told her she was wrong for yelling at me in front on my kid. I knew even before wishing her that she will crush my spirits. I am 30 years old and my mother pushes me into depression each time I interact with her.
Love from a (safe) distance. 🤟
I had to learn that years ago. Made me out to be the "B___", but no matter what I was one anyhow. 🤷♀️
Remember this...if she treats you this way, she will either treat your child the same OR try to turn your child against you. (By any means necessary)
Nothing, NOTHING wrong with boundaries.
teresa bone - That is my exact fear that she will turn my daughter against me. Coz she has already turned all my cousins against me. She will tell them how terrible I am and even told them that I treat my child like a dog. I mean .. how can a mother say this .. i wish every single day that it would be great if she just loved me.. But when I try to run way from her, she will emotionally blackmail me.. I am stupid enough to even buy a house right next to hers bcoz she told me to...
@@DiMakesArt seriously you need Distance and to start Listening To Yourself... As long as they Can, they Will....... they don't give a fuck about what is Right and Wrong, all they care about is What they can get away with...
You're a mother now it's time to cut the cord. You don't need to waste your energy getting her validation.(
Also your children needs your validation and if she is toxic you need to set boundaries.
Hope you consider going No Contact🌸 - you and your family deserve happiness 🙂
I was raised by a narcissistic mother who did so much damage that I'm trying to work through and get help with. I remember for mothers day, her bday, christmas and stressing so much over what to get her. She would let you know if it wasn't good enough. This is the first year I stopped myself from trying so hard. I got her a basic gift and just had it dropped off at her house. :-)
Luna White Just keep going - small steps - you *will* come out the other side! And you will rise to be more powerful than you ever thought possible. The key is to work on your self-worth, self-prioritisation and self-preservation, all underpinned by strong boundaries 💪 Forgive yourself beautiful soul - we all had to forgive ourselves for not knowing any better! Just focus all of your energy on *you*!
@Lover of The Truth I still want a relationship with my father who has been working on himself and us so I just tolerate her and set boundaries. But because I want other family members in my life I can't cut her out completely and being able to say i gave her something keeps the drama to a minimum. :-)
Omg yes ! I remember one year I had no idea so I got her a voucher so she could pick her own things perfectly reasonable right? Wrong the fit she threw was ridiculous 🙄 I was only 14 paid with my paper round money which I didnt get much for
@@gracewillis577 you could have gotten her a diamond ring and it wouldnt have been good enough! Trust me I've seen my dad buy her ridiculously expensive jewelry that she had a fit and had to have and then it wasnt good enough or she would find something wrong with it no matter what. *hugs* just do what you feel is right with the boundaries you need to set and remember that her twisted reality doesnt have to be yours. 💗
Luna White that’s so good that you’re finding healing. Keep up the good work. 👍🏼🤗🌸
I learned my lesson. I know my happiness doesn’t depend on my mom or dad. And if they aren’t happy with the person I am, it’s their problems. They are the ones that live with those feelings, not me.
This video is very comforting. When you feel like you're the only one in this situation you feel like you're going crazy.
so true
There is a difference between reciprocating love, "honor thy parents", and feeling like you owe them.
I told my mother happy Mother's Day and she never replies back. I look selfish to my family because I am breaking codependency and no longer catering to people's emotions and lives. Oh well. Still love her still honor her but I put God and my mental health first.
You go girl!
Good for you! :)
I relate completely.
Same girl same. I feel your pain. Hang in there!
I admire you
Having my own kids started my own healing and then going "no contact" with my mom. Shutting my mom out of my life has been the equivalent of a bird being freed from a cage.
My mother was a text book narcissist. Would treat me like trash and treat my sister like gold. Buying her fancy gifts for holidays and birthdays and getting me dollar store stuff, paying for education and her wedding, but not mine… I could go on forever. She was super cruel and abusive to me… She was awful to my father too, who was an amazing kind soul