Coach Ryan hits the bullseye once again. What my ex DA put me through when I was discarded was just the worst experience of my life. That happened in 2023 and it still hurts like hell... especially now the breadcrumbing is in full swing (while she is with the new guy who she has told me is a narc... just like her partner before me and the one before that). Selfish, self obsessed and utterly emotionally clueless. Good riddance.
I wish I had just stayed in no contact at the first red flag and disrespect. It just only gets worse when you tolerate inconsistency and inconsideration without any consequences.
Constant presence on dating apps and social media helps them move on quickly without doing any work on maintaining a relationship. Now they run into the waiting arms of someone new.
100% true Coach Ryan. My ex jumped straight into a new relationship barely 3 months of our 2nd BU and he never reached out unlike before that he would after a week or two. He got a new source of validation and have filled the gap already which I think distracted him from feeling the repercussions of the breakup or even missing me. Too much lovebombing in his new relationship but it is what he wanted - something new and easy.
New and easy....no emotional commitment or responsibility. They will repeat the cycle again once it gets real. They need a warning label as the damage they cause is abusive trauma.
Dear coach How do we set and communicate boundaries? When amd how do we communicate them? At what stage of the relationship? Also how can we spot an avoidant from a mile away? What are the telltale signs or what questions should we ask when dating to know if the person is emotionally available or not?
You set and communicate boundaries from the very start or getting to know someone. When something isn't right for you then communicate. Avoidants will often appear secure until their fears are triggered. Being clear what you want in a relationship is critical and expressing it right away. If you want a long term commitment then say your intention. Ask what their idea of a relationship looks like. Ask their relationship history. Ask how they handle conflicts. Ask what they learnt from previous relationships about themselves. Watch if they blame their ex and don't offer any accountability. Vet vet vet let them show you who they are across all areas, in different situations. Go slow. Don't expect others to look out for you, you must look out yourself until they earn your trust and commitment.
How do I know if he just lost interest or is an avoidant. Is there any way to know? He stopped talking to me a day after we spoke for an hour and he told me he wanted me badly. How can I get him back. I love him. I sent him messages, asked if I did anything wrong, apologized and told him to forgive me. That was met with silence. I then asked him to please give me some closure so I can move on. He read my messages again but again radio silence 😞
Reflect his energy and give him silence. You just chased and now he knows how you feel. So what? He knows and doesn’t want you. He DOESNT. If he wanted to, he would. So you move on and do nothing. Then he will come sniffing back because he is a coward. And when he does, walk away. He will give you sooooo much pain. Even more than now. That’s his game.
@@cecilang9721 He asked me for exclusivity. He told me he wanted me and that he loved me. So would you still consider me as chasing him given this extra info? We had already pledged exclusivity to each other. I thought chasing would be when a man hasn't yet expressed an interest and the woman comes on strong. In my case, we were exclusive etc. Yes expressed my feelings to him after he ghosted, I showed my vulnerability. But I also told him that if this is what he wants, then I want him to be happy and I wished him all the best. I requested he let me know what happened for my own closure and self-improvement if it was something I did. But he just read my message and didn't respond. I left it at that. I am not ashamed that I expressed my feelings of loving him (I wouldn't agree to exclusivity if I didn't) and I haven't contacted him since that time and I won't.
@@iRespectMen we often go silent because we know talking makes it worse. people don't like our answers. you see it the comments on these videos. when we explain our inner workings, we're told it makes no difference and our trauma is nobody's problem. to save ourselves the headache of another argument, we go for a clean break.
She's going to be dealt the same hand you're dealt. That new relationship is really nothing except your ex reliving his toxicity. I've been through a situation like this. Avoidants are incapable of a healthy relationship.
6 วันที่ผ่านมา +1
You triggered them and they trying extra hard with new partner so they dont look like undatable losers. Trust me you aint missing anything, that new relationship isnt close at all.
Coach Ryan makes a very good point in the first minute - that the relationship itself can be a big source of stress for the DA. They might truly like you, but find being with you stressful, and that leads to this withdrawal/return cycle. I don't think it's always sketchy breadcrumbing - I think that away from the stress of the relationship, they can eventually remember the things they liked about you. I'm not telling anyone they have to try to make it work with a DA. But if you ARE trying, figure out what you BOTH need to do to bring the stress level down. If that fits into your expectations and boundaries, then maybe you two have a chance. But yeah, it has to feel easy for us DAs. (NOT at your expense - that's not what I am saying!)
Yea, it would be great if it felt easy for everyone involved. And it’s definitely possible to have an easy relationship with someone. But a DA’s definition of easy is not very practical, not very realistic is it? Every relationship requires 2 people who want to put in the effort to keep it functioning smoothly. If both people are not there to give, then either one person is doing all the giving, or you don’t have a relationship. Anything worth having is worth the effort. It doesn’t have to feel like effort if you actually like the person, it should be enjoyable. If you want it to be easy, you gotta put in the emotional labor in order to earn the reward. You have to be willing to invest in someone in order make it worth your time and theirs. You have to be honest with yourself and ask why you even want to be with someone if you think about leaving the moment you run into a minor inconvenience. You have to be able to navigate your own emotions, self reflect, take accountability, problem solve and do it with empathy and consideration for someone else’s feelings. This is standard of any healthy relationship. Unfortunately there are a lot of broken, unhealthy people out there, and a lot of toxic and abusive relationships. Is it really fair to expect things to be easy for you when you yourself resist changing the fact that you are anything but? Maybe it would be better if two avoidant people got together, then they’d be on equal ground. But they we already know how that usually goes. I think we really need to define what “easy” means to a DA first.
@@WayneZalinksy I'm many years into my second marriage, and I think we are both somewhat DA - but not extreme cases. What helps with "easy" is we both have the same instinct to pull back when there is conflict, then slowly re-establish our bond starting from a very rational discussion of what the real issue is and potential fixes. Yes that gets emotional at times, but in a way that leaves us space to let the emotions pass through at our own speed. I'm wary of comments like "you gotta put in the emotional labor", but I think you get it 100% right with "you have to be able to navigate your own emotions, self reflect, take accountability, problem solve and do it with empathy". I admit I did not do that well as a young DA, but I find it is possible to grow into that goal. But for me, I need to do those steps alone and then come back to my partner. With my first (anxious) wife, she needed me to be with her through those steps, and I simply could not find the space to self-regulate and restore the relationship.
DAs want easy with no effort. You all don't give the same energy you demand. Everyone wants easy but DAs want a fictional relationship with no conflict so it is the other’s expense. They dumpee gets left feeling like there is something wrong with them when it is really the DA not living in the real world.
Run, if you stay it will be heart broken 💔 it will not change unless they are committed to getting professional help and actually doing the work.
The DAs immediately jumped into a new relationship without even officially breaking up.
Or they have affairs
Coach Ryan hits the bullseye once again. What my ex DA put me through when I was discarded was just the worst experience of my life. That happened in 2023 and it still hurts like hell... especially now the breadcrumbing is in full swing (while she is with the new guy who she has told me is a narc... just like her partner before me and the one before that). Selfish, self obsessed and utterly emotionally clueless. Good riddance.
Hold your head king 💯
You need to block her. Allowing the breadcrumbing just ensures you'll never move on. I found once I blocked them, it helped me to move forward.
Have no sympathy for this type of person. This us an unkind and immature human being. Block and delete.
100% agree. Many people have had it very tough yet they don't go around hurting people like this
I wish I had just stayed in no contact at the first red flag and disrespect. It just only gets worse when you tolerate inconsistency and inconsideration without any consequences.
Constant presence on dating apps and social media helps them move on quickly without doing any work on maintaining a relationship. Now they run into the waiting arms of someone new.
4:12 the #1 reason they come back breadcrumbing is to get validation. Dont take the bait or validate them.
100% true Coach Ryan. My ex jumped straight into a new relationship barely 3 months of our 2nd BU and he never reached out unlike before that he would after a week or two. He got a new source of validation and have filled the gap already which I think distracted him from feeling the repercussions of the breakup or even missing me. Too much lovebombing in his new relationship but it is what he wanted - something new and easy.
New and easy....no emotional commitment or responsibility. They will repeat the cycle again once it gets real. They need a warning label as the damage they cause is abusive trauma.
He's ruining her life now. His loss.
Dear coach
How do we set and communicate boundaries? When amd how do we communicate them? At what stage of the relationship? Also how can we spot an avoidant from a mile away? What are the telltale signs or what questions should we ask when dating to know if the person is emotionally available or not?
You set and communicate boundaries from the very start or getting to know someone. When something isn't right for you then communicate. Avoidants will often appear secure until their fears are triggered. Being clear what you want in a relationship is critical and expressing it right away. If you want a long term commitment then say your intention. Ask what their idea of a relationship looks like. Ask their relationship history. Ask how they handle conflicts. Ask what they learnt from previous relationships about themselves. Watch if they blame their ex and don't offer any accountability. Vet vet vet let them show you who they are across all areas, in different situations. Go slow. Don't expect others to look out for you, you must look out yourself until they earn your trust and commitment.
@Growwithgrace101
Ok. Thank you!!!!
As an avoidant, this is very accurate.
I bet you’ve got STD’s. You dirty shady screw up.
How do I know if he just lost interest or is an avoidant. Is there any way to know? He stopped talking to me a day after we spoke for an hour and he told me he wanted me badly. How can I get him back. I love him. I sent him messages, asked if I did anything wrong, apologized and told him to forgive me. That was met with silence. I then asked him to please give me some closure so I can move on. He read my messages again but again radio silence 😞
Reflect his energy and give him silence. You just chased and now he knows how you feel. So what? He knows and doesn’t want you. He DOESNT. If he wanted to, he would. So you move on and do nothing. Then he will come sniffing back because he is a coward. And when he does, walk away. He will give you sooooo much pain. Even more than now. That’s his game.
@@cecilang9721
He asked me for exclusivity. He told me he wanted me and that he loved me. So would you still consider me as chasing him given this extra info? We had already pledged exclusivity to each other. I thought chasing would be when a man hasn't yet expressed an interest and the woman comes on strong. In my case, we were exclusive etc. Yes expressed my feelings to him after he ghosted, I showed my vulnerability. But I also told him that if this is what he wants, then I want him to be happy and I wished him all the best. I requested he let me know what happened for my own closure and self-improvement if it was something I did. But he just read my message and didn't respond. I left it at that. I am not ashamed that I expressed my feelings of loving him (I wouldn't agree to exclusivity if I didn't) and I haven't contacted him since that time and I won't.
@@iRespectMen we often go silent because we know talking makes it worse. people don't like our answers. you see it the comments on these videos. when we explain our inner workings, we're told it makes no difference and our trauma is nobody's problem. to save ourselves the headache of another argument, we go for a clean break.
Lose lose situation
he’s been dating the person he monkey branched/discarded me for 9 months now since breaking up. 😞
She's going to be dealt the same hand you're dealt. That new relationship is really nothing except your ex reliving his toxicity. I've been through a situation like this. Avoidants are incapable of a healthy relationship.
You triggered them and they trying extra hard with new partner so they dont look like undatable losers. Trust me you aint missing anything, that new relationship isnt close at all.
🙏🙏👍👍✨✨❤❤
Coach Ryan makes a very good point in the first minute - that the relationship itself can be a big source of stress for the DA. They might truly like you, but find being with you stressful, and that leads to this withdrawal/return cycle. I don't think it's always sketchy breadcrumbing - I think that away from the stress of the relationship, they can eventually remember the things they liked about you.
I'm not telling anyone they have to try to make it work with a DA. But if you ARE trying, figure out what you BOTH need to do to bring the stress level down. If that fits into your expectations and boundaries, then maybe you two have a chance. But yeah, it has to feel easy for us DAs. (NOT at your expense - that's not what I am saying!)
Yea, it would be great if it felt easy for everyone involved. And it’s definitely possible to have an easy relationship with someone. But a DA’s definition of easy is not very practical, not very realistic is it? Every relationship requires 2 people who want to put in the effort to keep it functioning smoothly. If both people are not there to give, then either one person is doing all the giving, or you don’t have a relationship. Anything worth having is worth the effort. It doesn’t have to feel like effort if you actually like the person, it should be enjoyable.
If you want it to be easy, you gotta put in the emotional labor in order to earn the reward. You have to be willing to invest in someone in order make it worth your time and theirs. You have to be honest with yourself and ask why you even want to be with someone if you think about leaving the moment you run into a minor inconvenience. You have to be able to navigate your own emotions, self reflect, take accountability, problem solve and do it with empathy and consideration for someone else’s feelings. This is standard of any healthy relationship. Unfortunately there are a lot of broken, unhealthy people out there, and a lot of toxic and abusive relationships.
Is it really fair to expect things to be easy for you when you yourself resist changing the fact that you are anything but? Maybe it would be better if two avoidant people got together, then they’d be on equal ground. But they we already know how that usually goes. I think we really need to define what “easy” means to a DA first.
@@WayneZalinksy I'm many years into my second marriage, and I think we are both somewhat DA - but not extreme cases. What helps with "easy" is we both have the same instinct to pull back when there is conflict, then slowly re-establish our bond starting from a very rational discussion of what the real issue is and potential fixes. Yes that gets emotional at times, but in a way that leaves us space to let the emotions pass through at our own speed.
I'm wary of comments like "you gotta put in the emotional labor", but I think you get it 100% right with "you have to be able to navigate your own emotions, self reflect, take accountability, problem solve and do it with empathy". I admit I did not do that well as a young DA, but I find it is possible to grow into that goal. But for me, I need to do those steps alone and then come back to my partner. With my first (anxious) wife, she needed me to be with her through those steps, and I simply could not find the space to self-regulate and restore the relationship.
DAs want easy with no effort. You all don't give the same energy you demand. Everyone wants easy but DAs want a fictional relationship with no conflict so it is the other’s expense. They dumpee gets left feeling like there is something wrong with them when it is really the DA not living in the real world.
I agree with Ryan on one thing. Yall need to stop having these long drawn-out rollercoaster romances with people you claim are abusing you.