I’m in this position now. I know how good we were at the beginning and I guess I’m waiting for that to come round again but we’re both miserable at the moment. I know how it could be, but that’s not how it is.
Also, never be with someone who is with you for your potential. I wasted time with someone who saw me as a "diamond in the rough". They wanted to improve me into someone worthy of love. I kept trying to improve but the goal posts kept moving.
He wouldn't tell me how his first marriage to a woman 17 years his senior ended, only that she came to his new house, spent several nights here and there and decorated his place. Is that a red flag??? Yes, of course it is. Along with him saying he had no trauma, while also telling me, his mom burned the house, the tree and the gifts under it when he was a kid, and no, it was not an accident...or when he told me he found his mom dead...or when he cold turkey went off meds and crashed cars and lived in the woods eating mushrooms and vomiting....and his brothers had to find and drag him out...were thise warnings?? Or when he yelled at me for asking questions about his childhood, more to the point, "what's your favorite childhood memory?" "I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" we were already married at this point...13 years later, we are separated, getting a divorce. Yeah. I've known for a long time, this isn't healthy for either of us.
At the end of mediation my soon to be ex husband stood up, looked at me and said,”but I love you” The attorneys in the office held their breath (he was violent toward me), I stood up, looked at him and said, “but you didn’t live it”. After he left, the mediator and both attorneys said they’ve seen women change their minds when hearing this and often later end up in an ER and commended me my strength. It wasn’t easy But it was right. ✨💖✨
Abusers never change! My mum was beaten almost daily when I was small....she repeatedly forgave him! He left when he d gone through her inheritance . He s been dead thirty three years. No love lost here!
AMEN. And God bless your healing and strengthening journey ahead ❤ I commend you and have strong belief your success is on the horizon to a healthy and happy and empowered YOU , which in turn breeds a healthy life with, or without, a new person and REAL life partner - much love and smiles to you 😊🏆🕊️✨
I made this quote after my last relationship, which made me feel the way it was described in the video. I wanted to share it with anyone currently going through something similar: "We mistake quiet for peace, avoidance for resolution, and distraction for fulfillment. Yet peace requires confrontation, resolution requires engagement, and fulfillment requires purpose."
This IS really good. Lyrical, emotionally intelligent, present, wise and accessible. I hope more people see this and understand how profound it is. I needed to see this today. Thank you, for sharing your incredible insight. Best, ~L.
@@MamaMixedGamerhe’s treating you how he feels about you. You can find someone better. I’ve been in a relationship like this…. It was with a guy who was only looking to replace his mother. I’m not controlling, but apparently I was even though he was the one who couldn’t even respect boundaries that were set. He needed someone to tell him what when where in his life. Replacing his mother basically. Broke it off, he couldn’t accept it and he still wanted to force it, I wasn’t putting in as much work as before but still became more and more resentful because I already knew I wanted out but was doing what this guy wanted only for him to be emotionally manipulative, use my stuff against me, and bring out the worst in me. I’m not happy it brought out worst, but I at least look back and notice I knew stuff wasn’t going to work since a long time before and kept being forced (only due to having the house together) it was only lengthened a couple months over
I really resent that "But I love you" phrase, it feels so manipulative and it says absolutely nothing. I always answered. "I think we have very different concepts of what love is"
The biggest indicator of my "doneness" was when I stopped doing things for him that I normally would. I stopped making his lunch. Even though I'd made it everyday for more than a year, I just quit making it one day. Stopped cooking. Stopped cleaning up his messes. Stopped stressing over laundry. I do not care anymore. Zero motivation; it just disappeared. After 19 years, I'm finally taking my life back. Through therapy 2x/week, and with an amazing therapist, I'm finding my self-worth and my authentic self. His pity-party no longer works with me. At all.
Same here. No more doing the 33 things around the house, laundry and meals for him, at my cost of my sanity and physical health. Pity party - LOL, I'll remember that, cause he is pitiful and I feel sorry for him.
15 years- I waited fifteen flipping years. Poor self worth, trauma bonding, couples counselling, individual counselling- whatever I did or tried to do, was never enough. I can't have a partnership by myself, especially if I'm the only one who shows up. Don't waste as much time as me, accept that this person just can't or won't give what you need. Doesn't make them a bad person, just makes them not yours.
Nah, someone who consistently chooses not to show up for you and put in the effort is a bad person. Let's start calling it out. Handling them with kid gloves is doing no one any favors.
@@cornwallismorgan874Just because they're a bad partner, doesn't make them a bad person in general/over all. Everyone has their own person/inner issues and many aren't mentally and emotionally capable of doing the work at that time to save their relationship but them go on to change and give their next partner exactly what the ex needed. That doesn't make them a bad person, just an imperfect one like all of us. A person can't grow and change until THEY are ready to now matter how much they may want to. That doesn't make then a bad person, just not the person for you, at least not at that time. They may get to that point and be able to grow and change after they lose it all. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for them to learn the lesson and get to that place where growth is finally possible for them. That's when some couple get back together and actually end up in a healthy place. That's not the case for most but for some, ending it turns out to be exactly what was needed to get the one who wasn't really trying to a place where they're able to. Sometimes losing it all is the kick in the ass one needs to take back control over what has been holding them back.
@@cornwallismorgan874So very true!! Start labeling it for what it is. Should any validation be needed upon doing so observe the response/reaction. There’s your answer
I now go by the following rule: Once is a mistake. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. And the minute I see one, you're out. (took me 30 years to get there!)
@@LoveLINKs-vf8hpBetter be alone than lose another minute trying to make it work with a wolf in sheep's clothing. What's in my mind, you ask? Peace. For the first time in decades.
@@SaaduMia its a way of saying "and the minute i see an unhealthy pattern, you are out of my life" there is no right mindset- these are boundaries, not a mindset. each person can set them where it feels safest for them
After 34 years, i finally found the strength to end a toxic dysfunctional marriage. 34 years of abuse and neglect. 34 years of dreams being destroyed. 34 years and 7 children. A stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. He took everything from me that he could, even the kids, leaving me no where to go and no money. Evil comes in many ways and they are sitting in your churches too. I will never be fully alive again, but i finally have some peace in my life.
Oh Joyce I totally understand and am so happy for you as hard as this is. I’m so sure!!! I am on the never ending ring around after 33 years. Lists of trauma and loss. My weakness actually sickens me. As I sit here with bronchitis and pneumonia right now, so be very very proud of yourself and know that you are an inspiration and I pray for you and that I too can write a similar story one day (soon). Sending peace and love to you.
My worst relationship was a guy who claims to love God and went to bible college. I was married to a loving man who didnt go to church but showed the love through his actions for 22 years. The man who treated me like shit was/ and is my punishment for leaving a good man for a (unbenost to me how bad he really is) player.
I had very similar experience. Don’t give up. You’ll turn a corner and be happy again. Losing the kids take a chunk out of your heart, but you’ll heal day by day!
When my ex-husband asked me if I could recommend any resources so that he could work on our marriage I sent him a couple of Jimmy’s videos. Very soon I saw some positive changes. Then I woke up - the first argument we had he told me I believe in bs a TH-camr posted just to milk us people who don’t want to accept that marriage is difficult and I was trying to pull him into that illusion. That’s when I knew I had to walk away.far far away.which I did🙌
Uh, you were married and because of one fight you divorced him? It's a common fact there's much money grabbing from TH-cam. He possibly experienced those theives and in his anger compared the two. Maybe you could have had a little more communication?
I’m drowning in depression because I cannot see a way out. Every time I want to leave everyone always says “but he loves you” “he doesn’t hit you”. Yes but he doesn’t sleep in the same room as me, he doesn’t cuddle me, he doesn’t make me feel safe when we drive together (road rage), he messes up the house after I clean, he doesn’t talk with me, he talks at me. Then I’m the overreacter. I’m sad, lonely and feel utterly hopeless.
@joliebulifant4995 you can do this! No matter what anyone else says. Why anyone should believe this way of living is ok, is beyond me. Believe in yourself!
Jolie! You must leave him! It will be difficult, but you can go. Don’t let anyone bully or guilt you into staying. Trust me, it’s sooooo much better to be single. It took me 10 years to get the courage to leave my ex. Your gut knows you must escape. Please get out! Hugs!
“Everyone” is wrong. If they can’t see how unfulfilled, unhappy, and unsafe you feel that’s their problem. Please take yourself seriously and care for yourself as you would a scared miserable hurt child. Love yourself.
He. Doesn't. Love. You. This. Is. Not. What. Love. Looks. Like. Stop letting other people decide your feelings or boundaries. If this were your daughter, what would you tell her and how would you get her out?
I endured so many years of abuse and my therapist finally helped me understand it. I kept crying about how he's been my best friend and partner for so long, and she finally read out the list of abuses we'd written and asked me, "is this what a best friend does?" It was a glass shatter moment for me because I could never unsee it. I needed it spelled out like that to finally break my denial.
This is exactly why women initiate most divorces. Their needs aren't being met. Family, friends, society is going to blame her for doing that to him. She's called selfish, because 'he wasn't cheating on her.' Please don't listen to their message. Your needs are valid.
Interesting…. A good friend divorced her husband of 20 years for nearly same reasons you described. They stayed friends and she helped him through his dying process a year later. She said he didn’t know how to love her. He was cold. He did not show her physical or emotional intimacy and he lied about some important issues in their marriage. She said he was still in love with his first wife and I believe she was right I do believe he cared for her, but he did not know how to love her correctly.
Men don't want to pay for the filing and they don't care if they look bad starting a new relationship while still married to someone else . Seen it over and over...
@@sarcasticcat4982 What I've seen over and over is that men don't want to get divorced and don't understand why she does, despite her telling him over and over that she feels alone and unvalued. They're willing to ignore her needs because they're comfortable.
@@debraperry6091 yes that happens a lot too. Then there's that issue where men will make her do everything without him and so she realizes he's just another child /nuisance. I've actually seen some of these mgtow shows advice men not help her unless she "puts out" first. I laughed. Then they wonder why she files for divorce and takes the kids with her citing that he didn't do anything with them to begin with. He didn't contribute in any way other than a paycheck and he's now complaining that that is all his family sees him as... 😂
This is well said, I was married 22 years waiting for him. He was a wonderful provider for the house but no intimacy. He would say he needed it but wouldn’t show up for me, I was so lonely. It’s been over a year now and I’m alone but Craziest thing I found out now that I’m out of my marriage; I am alone but I’m not Lonely.
This is what I deal with daily. If I'm not there for his "needs", right that very second, it turns into a temper-tantrum, followed by him weaponizing s** against me, saying "I made him" have to go and relieve himself. All the while he doesn't hug me, kiss me or even engage with me on a "how was your day?" basis. But I'm the bad guy because I didn't give him s** the very second he needed it. It truly is like dealing with a child, except he has terrifying man-strength.
32 years for me. Best decision I ever made was to choose me and stop thinking this "Godly" man ever wanted a good relationship. Here's to being true to yourself and to getting your joy back!
@laurar8486 what was a perfect example of his bad character and how old are you now? Do you hope of finding someone else? It might be even being alone is better, ya?
My favorite phrase he consistently makes is “love is not enough” I’ve found that it is so much easier to feel love for someone than it is to actually show it. Interesting second point to the is that most times that love feeling is so easy to confirm with physical intimacy at first but it’s also the first thing to go.
Physical intimacy is one of the major parts in life, and it is best to find out possible incompatibility in that area long before marriage. And this applies if you're not very sexual, too. Actually, for asexuals especially, because the likelihood of incompatibility is huge then.
My ex boyfriend did not know how to communicate his needs. Every time I asked him to tell me if something bothers him or if he would like any change in the relationship he would tell me that everything is fine. The only time he brought something up was as a defense when I brought up an issue. This really left me feeling unheard and frustrated. He kept avoiding difficult conversations, making me feel like I am too much because I was expressing my needs and emotions, while he would rather be left alone.
I need to listen to this on repeat. I just ended a relationship for all these reasons. And I keep second guessing and regret. This. All of this. I deserve to feel valued, respected and connected. Thank you.
I understand, I really really do. Almost 10 years together, it HAD to end. I wish you peace of mind and courage. I'm proud of you, I know how hard this is, and you're not alone. Hold on, we have to keep moving forward. I hope you have a beautiful future where you're respected and fulfilled. ❤❤❤❤
I'm in the same boat. I know what I did was right, but I miss our relationship so much that I really have to be reminded of why I did it again and again.
Jimmy, I really needed to hear this right now. 37 years with a dismissive avoidant (72 y/o) which I just learned about a month ago. Had I known, I wouldn’t have hoped for 37 yrs that he would change and wasted my life. Everything you said in this video, even I’m scared, has proven many things to me of what I’ve been through and moving forward. But the wounds are deep…. I pray I find the courage and the wisdom . I love him so much that the pain is too much.
Don’t forget that trauma bonding has happened and addiction. I couldn’t see either for more than a year. There are lots of layers so take the time you need and embrace your freedom. You are strong! You have value. Find your voice. You are beautiful!
I've been trapped for 23 yrs! Just learned last yr and half that he is a narricist! When Gid revealed this to me, He told me to leave him, because he wasnt going to change as long as I was there. I'm just now acting on it, and slowing moving just my personal things and important papers and documents. He can have the materialistic things! He has no clue, and this viedo just made me realize that I am doing the right thing , and praying you have the same strengh! God bless you!
I am going through the same thing. I was married for 37years to a dismissive avoidant narcissist. I had no idea what that was until a couple of years ago, but when I found the information it perfectly described my husband and everything I had been through in our relationship. My husband is a religious narcissist so I had another layer of confusion to navigate through. For years I thought I was the problem because I didn't have the same "faith" as him, I still believed in God but I wasn't brought up with the religious fervour that he was, that his parents and whole family were. He blamed me for everything because of that. His narcissistic religious "mask" made him right about everything. I finally had enough last year and I left. It's been very hard at times and lonely and my children didn't understand at first, but it's getting better and I am slowly healing and feeling stronger and I know I have done the best thing for me. Otherwise I would have slowly died from the neglect and lack of intimacy and closeness that our marriage had become. He saw no problem with any of this but I had suffered for years from depression and physical ailments had started to show up in my life. My body was literally telling me in so many ways that I was living in toxicity which would have eventually killed me. I don't think my husband was consciously aware of how much he was hurting me. He never had my back and continuously chose his family and friends above me. It's just the way he rolls. Thank God that I was able to find the strength and courage to leave. I really do feel more at peace now than ever before.
Not always. Sometimes a spouse shows love to you via their actions toward you, and their actions are not what you need to feel loved. Like maybe your spouse never takes care of the kids, but takes you out every Friday night for dinner without the kids, but you need him to take care of the kids every Saturday, all day, in order to give you a break from them.
I, unfortunately, stayed for 13-years in a relationship with someone I loved with all my being…and waited all that time for his “potential ability to be in an adult relationship” to show up. It never did.
You know, 20 years ago this kind of information was NOT readily available. Most of us ended up in toxic marriages because we did not know better. The internet has revolutionized access to mental health and relationship health information! It's too bad the young dating scene is a mess because they're the first generation with access to the correct information on how to be in a healthy relationship. 🙃
I finally accepted that he never gave me mixed signals, and that losing interest in me did not have to carry blame or make someone a "narcissist". I have learned: Interest is like truth, it is what it is. People do what they want to do. If he cared.. he would show it If he wanted it.. he would pursue it If he was interested, their would be no question about it. Men are solution oriented so if he not asking you ..he has come to his own solution and it doesn't include you. 😢
This video perfectly explains the situation I was in half a year ago when I made the hardest decision to leave my fiancé and move alone 11k km to be just with myself and become more aware of who I am again. This time apart turned out to be exactly what we both needed to learn to take responsibility for our own well-being and understand what truly matters to us. After six months, we reconnected, started individual therapy as well as couples counseling, and we are now re-engaged, stronger than ever. Staying true to my boundaries turned out to be the greatest act of love and trust that everything will be okay in the end. Doing the right thing can seem like the worst nightmare sometimes but it will eventually lead you to what's best for you.
A Strong, centered, and encouraging response for self growth then couple hood / engagement 2.0 with a plan of action. I’m happy for you. This is humane.
Jimmy I have watched lots of relationship and spiritual videos over the years but your video sums all those up in a beautiful way. I was alone in a 27 year marriage. I went to the courthouse 2 weeks after my youngest left for college. I had no place to go. I camped then stayed at a friends then finally found a room. I have been so happy for 2 years to come to peace.
Unfortunately, if the change is temporary, and then it's back to that same loop, it is time to leave. I appreciate this is easy to say and hard to do, but I've been there and trust me it is MUCH better to be out of there. You can rebuild and be happy
Don't mistake 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards for same old, same old. Sometimes it's 2 forward, 2 backwards, 2 forward again, 1 backwards. It takes time to change behavioural patterns and to learn (how) to express emotions and needs in a constructive way
And let's also not forget that sometimes it takes losing everything for the one who wasn't putting in the work to come to their senses and take back control over what was holding them back and then do the work and in time prove themselves worthy of another chance and then they get back together and it actually work out. I know it doesn't work like this in most cases but for some it does. Let us not forget about that some just need to learn lessons the very hard way and they ACTUALLY do learn.
@@mrsjuliasmith3433if they don't/can't learn with you constantly asking for your needs to be met, the chances of them having an "a-ha!" moment when you leave is negligible! JMO
The analogy about showing up to work speaks volumes to me. Thank you for all the work you put into helping others, Jimmy. I so appreciate your dedication to helping others.
My ex, only wanted a baby sitter, maid, chauffer, chef , seamstress, party planner, holiday decorator , not a wife, partner , nothing i wanted or needed EVER mattered. Roommates raising kids. I was out. Unapologetically
I wish my grandmother and mother had been able to leave abuse. All it taught me was how to live in chaos and emotional distress. I’m changing this so no generation after me suffers toxic relationships
My ex wife was emotionally abusive. She still denies it. It was hard leaving as we have kids but once i started seeing a counsellor and rediscovered my self worth i regretted not leaving sooner.
10 years with a man that never once tried to better himself or fix any problem. He was a selfish and entitled man child. Could have used this video about 5 years ago when things were getting really bad.
May i ask. Where were your shortcomings in the relationship? Did you work on any to better yourself? See all i see and read on these types of videos is one person completely and utterly putting all the blame on other person. And quite honestly except in extreme and rare circumstances, that is simply not the case. Although it is much easier to not look at oneself and just put it all on the other person.
@@bryanhilton5131 i push my limits to change whatever he didn’t like because I know I’m not perfect and now that I’m with someone I found out my flaws too. But never once did I make him feel bad about himself. I was always there for him at his lowest, I lied to my parents and rush to the hospital to take care of his mother. But last year he started talking to a girl, she was really a good person. Now we are together again and I can’t trust him anymore when I want to. He would say I’m bringing out unnecessary conflicts when he wants to change. But I can’t help. I’d go back in time and regret for begging him to come back. I lost the sense of belonging
@Racheltouthang23 if you're scared of his reactions, you have all the more reason to leave! Seek help if necessary. If you're scared of the change, of the "unknown", I can understand it. Even necessary changes that you choose yourself can be scary and exhausting, too. But we have the power to survive it even when it doesn't feel like it. And you'll find your ways to live your own life. You'll probably even have the revelation how easy life can be when you can just choose things for yourself, freely. It's said that in marriage 2 people together solve issues they wouldn't even have alone. That's kind of true, you really do get issues you don't have alone - and it's only worth it when you're actually solving them together.
I’ve been in the longest separation process ever. Haven’t left yet. Money difficulties and more. Latest painful hit. The engine on my car is gine. Working two jobs to get my exit. Now no car I’m crushed. I have a little voice in my head saying let go. Just screw it all. LET GO The fear of leaving a 22 yr relationship with a person with covert narc qualities is awful. Don’t wish this on anyone. The roller coaster of emotion is awful. Everything described in this video is correct. A person genuinely interested in fixing what’s wrong shows up differently that someone just saying the words. Take your time girls and boys and notice the difference between the two
Mine was 15 years and it was with a in-denial Borderline+covert narcissist who believed they had DID instead and refused to get diagnosed, and refused to get a job after being laid off due to covid. They didn't believe me when I said I bent over backwards to please them and demanded even more from me. I was only able to divorce with family help to live elsewhere+ moving out + 1k extra for divorce attorney fees (I forked over an intial 5k). I'm still recovering.
Legislators need to understand the long con with zombie people. They just don’t get how you can marry a normal person but end up with someone who has been lying in wait a decade to make sure you are broke. You think out of anyone, legislators would understand plausible deniability was drafted in Hell.
I met the love of my life at 40 that treats me better than I could have ever have imagined. No love bombing, no masks, just 100% vulnerability and acceptance. Take care of you, give yourself love you needed, enjoy the cats and chocolate! If you are meant to meet someone it will happen, don't have to push it, take it easy on yourself.
@airahfuji lol same, but 8 years later, I met someone... I canceled the subscription... but now... after a year and a half, and single again I've reconsidered, I now have a kitten, and currently, just waiting on the water to boil for my hot chocolate 😅
I just turned 39 and it’s not going well in the relationship scene for me. It’s hard not to just quit. I like the chocolate and cat. 😊 I’m at the gym and thinking of getting another guinea pig. It’s all I can do.
This is gold. People get stuck going around in circles in their relationships without dealing with things that make them feel distant or hurt. Things will not just magically change without you addressing your issues. And if your partner is willing to work with you on this, then you will have a chance for a happy relationship.
Thank you. I am tired of being the bigger person, but God used this to speak into my situation. My husband has left this past weekend. I am purposefully putting boundaries in on my own behaviours just in case he comes back with an apology and a willingness to work on our union. I understand the "this relationship must end". Thank you.
💯BEST YET❗️listen to the entire clip. Then Repeat. Sadly, 28 years in. He graciously tolerated all my inadequacies. Leave, Leave Leave. Better to be FREE and Alone. Then caged for Life.! At 50, (mentally 26) getting my first degree. Honestly. YOU CAN Too. You can do it! You’re a very kind and insightful Man Jimmy. Consider exploring this space as an educational tool within schools. Stop the Cycle. You’re relatable and engaging. 😊
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Jimmy I only wish you were here 20 years ago. But I am very glad you ARE here now. I won't repeat mistakes of the past. I have learned so much over the years and you are just telling it like it is and I can't thank you enough!
Something that I’ve seen with people my age (20) is the fact that couples tend to just end it because things aren’t going well and it’s just easier. For me and my boyfriend (25) we’ve had so many moments that could’ve ended our relationship but despite these moments I’d say our relationship is damn near perfect in the sense that our love for each other is unbreakable and our willingness to make it work is what has kept us together. I’m his 6th relationship and the first who hasn’t cheated or abused him. He’s my first relationship ever and he’s the most patient and dedicated person I’ve ever met. somehow we just get through every single thing together. I’ve been told it’s stupid to not keep my options open but to us we are each other’s only option and we don’t want other options.
I held in for 20 years. I remember when he told me that if I wanted him to one day ask me how my day was or how was work that that was never going to happen. Broke my ❤️ into a million pieces. All I could think was how little asking such a question was, and still he would not do it knowing that that’s something that I wanted. 😢
At least he was straight with you. Not that that's any better, obviously(it's pretty shitty). But mine says instead, "well I don't ask you about your day because I figure you're going to just tell me at some point, so why bother."
Jimmy your Gift to this world is your absolute understanding of People, Relationships, Love and your ability to explain it to others in such a Brilliant way. Thank You!
Re the kids, they sense or hear the tensions and lack of love...staying for the kids teaches them this what a relationship looks like, whether they are sons or daughters, its not great for them. Show them your strength by showing you need to take care of yourself vs showing them to keep putting themselves last... good luck out there.
Thank you for your videos over the past 9month. I did not join all the dots. 36yrs of abuse, trauma and grieving for what I was "shown" I would get but it changed exactly a month after our marriage. I am past being angry with myself for letting myself down. I am done with people who have no values. And ready to be by myself, trust myself and enjoy my own company. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Far out! It is empowering.
I have young children and a stepson. I am also religious. I cannot - for those reasons - leave. I will not introduce the chaos and pain into their lives that leaving would bring. (And I would not be the one causing that chaos, but it would still happen.) I have zero needs met - not even one. And I have struggled with resentment, but I am moving past that, and I can create a stable, kind, loving, respectful, health environment for my kids and even for my husband. I can be kind and considerate and respectful to my husband. He's like a distant cousin to me - there is a bond, there is a balance of responsibilities and duties, but there's just no emotional connection. It is what it is. But to anyone who is dating - just leave. Just leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 - shake the dust off your feet, and leave and then work on being healthy and happy.
Just ask yourself…Is the chaos of staying any better than leaving?… whether you are religious or not., staying in a dynamic like that will likely have lasting or permanent implications on your children and for yourself. Pretending to cope is not a viable strategy. They will drain you of your life force until you are a shriveled up corpse…Either by their hands, or your own through making excuses for them, excuses for yourself, or eventually getting sucked so dry you just don’t want to go on living anymore. I left my narcissistic relationship of 14 years after his physical rage almost ended my life. I didn’t believe in divorce before that time either.
Please please please read “Life Saving Divorce” by Gretchen Baskerville and “Is it Me?” By Natalie Hoffman and “Death by a Thousand Cuts” by Patrick Doyle. These resources were so helpful for me! Hugs 💗
@hopepolenica971 I am so sorry for the abuse you went through. My house isn't chaotic - there's no fighting, no rage, no tense silences. My husband is very selfish and entirely emotionally disengaged. I provide stability and I can encourage (force) things like family outings and family church time which wouldn't be possible in a divorce. More than likely, my husband would just disappear and have a carousel of relationships and hookups. It would be fine for me but awful for them.
4:34 Every time I tried to share how I felt it would start a fight and somehow end up back on me even when I communicated calmly in a receptive feminine way, only focusing on my feelings anything negative is a no. It got very disorienting.
1:03 minutes in and I was like “yep, yep exactly!” I needed this video and I’m so grateful something told you to make it and post it this week. Thank you!
My current husband started showing me his dark side when we were dating. We had a discussion and went on a brief hiatus. He needed to know my boundaries and his respected them. About a year later he asked me to marry him and I said yes, is he isn’t perfect, but neither am I. The marriage so far is very good. He is loving and considerate and when he crosses a boundary, I am comfortable calling him on it. I’ve had to do that once since we’ve been married and we have not had an issue with that item again, I hope the marriage lasts the rest of my life, but if things went south he knows I will bail. I told him right up that I am a flight risk and that he needed to be aware of that. I also did a prenuptial so that things were clearly defined. We have been in this relationship for almost 3 1/2 years and it is good.
Blessings to you both. I appreciate your clarity and explanation of the process of relating between you, the agreements, and Vulnerability that comes from sharing the Darksides. My partner and I have that. Plus, faith, a lot of potential, and a community. Trying to ascertain if he’s at the point of wanting to work on himself, which is the key that everyone who knows him sees. Total golden guy and compatible but Arrested Development.
We'll I hope it lasts. My marriage was fantastic for over 10 years. The last 14 years was a nightmare! Keep your radar on to protect yourself. I pray your marriage lasts forever. I knew my would too😢
Im trying to leave now, but we share a lease. However, he hasnt paid a dime towards the rent or bills. He was supposed to start looking for work once my son started Kindergarten and he hasn't even looked. I wouldnt care so much but I work and then come home and he never does more than pick up a bit. He doesnt want to clean until it becomes a problem for him. I take out the trash, I do laundry, dishes, sweep/mop, pay the bills, grocery shop, on top of being a mom to a special needs kid with a job thay barely covers the bills. He just plays games and half ass watches my son when he isnt at school so like twice a week maybe. Hell stay up all night and sleep all day, then complain that I dont want to spend time for him. Now hes right. Especially because I took your advice Jimmy and told him i wanted a boundary when we fight, no name calling. The same one you talked about in past videos, I'll walk away for a bit if name callong starts. He called me a baby and told me he didnt have tome for all my emotions right now. Days later, no apologies, but hes gone back to normal. Not knowing he has finally broken this relationship, imo, for good. My lease ends in March
Live as his roommate until then. No physical intimacy. Time to get out. I've been there to, he's using you and is not a partner, he wants a mommy and he's a child. I'm very sorry but better days are ahead for you. Don't let the man-child be an example to your child. Stop the cycle here.
This was how my partner was in the last three years of our 15 year marriage. It was awful. I didn't tell them when exactly I was leaving because they've been unpredictable before and thrown a stapler at me before and I didn't want to deal with that. When I moved in with my mom I felt like a drought stricken field suddenly getting water and nourishment from the sun. Emotionally I'd been so deprived I had been getting crumbs from my ex and grateful for them!! Just awful
@ehrenyu I totally understand what you're going through and what you went through and I wish you all the best in your healing journey because you deserve it
I bent too far , gave/ sacraficed too much, took bread crumbs and stayed way too long ... in the end the devastating horrible way he acted to my leaving confirmed every one of my fears, doubts and validated my decision with absolute clarity ( scarily sadly so) 😥 💔💯‼️
Oh my word I stayed in this relationship for 42 years. He was the nice guy. And that was one of the reasons I stayed was for the kids, thought it was what God wanted me to do. Then he retired I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I had nothing my children were gone And it was just him and me. That’s when I finally woke up.
The dating scene is something straight out of a dystopian psychological horror. All this information, all these resources available at the swipes of a mouse and a few button clicks, and all people do with it is learn how to say new words and pretend to be healed. People approach relationships from a place of "What can I get out of this" vs "What do I have to offer to this", and just lie and fake and create completely one-sided dynamics where they just refuse to have what they say they want/are ready for. It's beyond old.
That's because learning all this information doesn't actually make you heal, now if we could get mushrooms legalized and spread education on how to use them for trauma healing, then we would truly make progress!!
@@alisiademi Right, because no one wants to do the work, which is also a big thing in this mushroom craze. It's nothing more than trying to either skip the work or fast-track something that takes years to successfully do. As a former psych nurse, I've seen people do irreparable damage to themselves with mushrooms. It's not the great, wonderful thing a lot of people seem to think it is.
@@alisiademiMy close friend I grew up with did lot's of mushrooms and LSD when we were 18-21yo. He now has permanent brain damage, schizophrenia and is on a government pension living with his mother. I can't be around him more than an hour nowadays.
@Alixir1228 I've kinda just always had a hard time with it because I'm a lesbian, so the entire female dating scene just moves way too fast and is highly toxic on top of it. But yes, I hear that basic thing a lot and it just breaks my heart. 😞 I don't see how anyone is supposed to find a partner.
Thank you Jimmy I had to leave in February for the better rather he left, I continue to self healing . I finally cut the umbilical cord last month I change my phone number . Now he cannot call, text. Truly thank you for your help.
I am part of a founding team at a start-up. This describes my situation as my counterpart has gaslit, manipulated, withheld critical information affecting customers, and isolated me over the last year and a half. They just raised him to a higher title and made him my supervisor. I don’t care anymore how much money the startup can make if it’s successful. I won’t live like this. His behavior is a cancer that doesn’t serve the customer. I will do better on my own.
33% of people are victims of white collar crime in the US. Learn these terms and get the docs to support lawsuits: fraudulent inducement, embezzlement, fundamental fairness, minority shareholder suppression, bad faith negotiations, fiduciary duty, attempted wire fraud, loyalty, self-dealing, piercing the corporate veil, IRS whistleblowing reward $. These ppl always commit crimes, and they rely on an underfunded white collar crimes division and collusion by the American Bar Association to keep lawyers from helping the middle class. I am not a lawyer, but I have been victimized. Be careful-lawyers seem to be in on it too, or they are just spineless.
Thank you for this episode, I've chosen the hardest decision to leave the relationship because I felt that I am not enough a lot and lost myself in the process when I was in the relationship, I am on therapy now to be able to heal from it, but proud of myself that I left. I got tired that I am the one who should be accountable for everything but not vice versa, neglecting my feelings, and feeling unheard, and after 3 months of the breakup, I am feeling great and this relationship, made me explore myself more and know what my flaws are and accept them, also working on them
Going through a rough time in marriage and your videos have been so so helpful! ❤ I wish you also made some more videos about the aspect of marriage when there's kids involved.
@@chayasadler8771 I don’t know your situation or anyone else’s. I only know my own experience. What I’ve learned is: Divorce IS hard and expensive. But I don’t think it’s harder or more expensive than staying in an unhealthy, unhappy situation. My child was better off with single, safe, content parents than with coupled, miserable, unsafe ones. What are we modelling for kids by staying? That “love” means putting up with abuse or loss of identity? That you don’t get to grow or stand up for your own needs just because you said “I do” at a time when you didn’t have all the information to know better? I don’t see it as a failure to end a marriage. I see it as a failure to finally know better but not do better.
@@chayasadler8771 I’m so sorry you’re living in fear. No one deserves that. I hope you have some support around you-a counsellor or friend or family member you can talk this through with. It’s hard stuff to go through alone. Of course, videos like this are a good resource too, for much-needed advice, support, validation, and community. Sending strength to you on your journey.
I asked once if he even liked me anymore? I wasn't sure. I will never forget the way he looked at me then. He couldn't stand me but wouldn't let me go. It was horrible 😢 Only thing I ever failed at, my marriage 💚 Be safe out there.
I've asked my "husband" the same thing as well...he always responded by looking at me incredulously. And I always would reply "well by the way you treat me you could have fooled me."
Wow! there are so many quotable phrases of truth you shared here. I took notes and filled multiple pages. My marriage is over but this has helped to heal all that happened leaving up to the slit. Thank you. This healing journey has been a doozy.
Thank you. You're really doing a good service to people like myself struggling, drowning, I needed to hear this right now when I am struggling with a long standing toxic marriage. Thank you again for helping to make it so clear for me. I am going to save this video and rewatch anytime I needed to be reminded I tried as much as humanly possible and a marriage can not survive with only one side doing the work....TY.... keep up the good videos.
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I just had a huge conversation with my husband. I told him recently that I am finally ready to love myself and that he needs to do the same. We have had the same fundamental issues that I have brought to the table time and time again and I have been met by avoidance leaving me to stuff my feelings down. And the people pleaser in me just excused it all bc we don't fight that we have a decent life but the same fundamental issues have finally started to add new layers of issues. When I had this talk to him and told him that I was ready to love myself and listen to a quote that ready what you don't change you choose. And that I encouraged him to do the same and that in the near future I would likely start to move into the bsmt. Since then he has really begun to take steps of change I see him trying but instead of being happy I'm angry, bitter that it has taken so long. I was finally ready to move on and now he's trying so hard and my people please it's feeling guilty. Damn this is hard...I don't know what to do or how to feel. Not sure if it's too little too late... But if he is finally trying shouldn't I too?!
It resonated with me when you said when you become more honest with yourself and aware that you may not be as kind as you could be and to start to ask for what you would like to happen could be appreciated. It’s also helpful to stop doing above and beyond what you do so you can suggest what is doable for them that is appreciated by you. Be aware when calm and consideration starts to happen …you don’t accidentally cause chaos as chaos is familiar and energetic. Use up that extra energy in a healthy way 🏊♂️⛹️♀️🏃♂️🏃♂️🚶♀️➡️🕺💃🦋🪴🏕️🛶
Thank you so much for this 🙏 This is exactly where I am after 12 years of marriage and decided to end it on those exact terms: go forward together and aim to do better or go forward along and aim to do better. Thank you for articulating and validating so many of my thoughts and emotions.
This was posted the evening I sent my final message sharing vulnerability. I offered one of your videos to help with it. They showed how well they break promises and how quickly they're willing to hurt me "in the moment" hoping I'll still cling to them after. Therefore, videos about how to have a relationship don't apply to them and they admitted to not caring or wanting to watch the videos. I'm now two weeks free of that and your work helped me end a three-year torture cycle. Thank you, Jimmy!
I appreciate this. My last partner was able to fulfill the emotional safety and I felt some physical safety but what I learned was that there is a financial safety that i needed. He was living was his mom, didn't have a job, DL and car. I've always never judged for that. What I've learned was that these things are basic things to function as an adult. When the issue came up he'd find a temporary solution vs not keeping himself accountable. No matter how much I was giving, the response was i also give too. Invalidating myself. Im actually learning this as I type this. You're also right about the body not responding to the person because we don't feel safe. I decided to end it and learned that he wanted to have the dream relationship but not work on himself. If there is no growth in a relationship leads to resentment. You can't just go do great things together. Thank you again for this video.
You wanted money over all and you act like a victim. You leav e him because he can't give you more money to feel saf e? l think your karma would be meeting someone richer who doesn't want and not just can't give more money.
@hubbadouble8025 incorrect, but I appreciate your feedback. Im very fortunate to be able to sustain myself and didn't need his money. You can't expect to be in a realationship where from the beginning you have to carry a bulk of the load, financially for two, also be emotionally available, still work on self and the relationship. It's a little different if they are also working on themselves to help the relationship grow and develop instead of... oh I'm doing my part, why aren't you doing yours... neglecting all the extra work that comes in from my side. It's not the matter of the blame game, it's more of doing what's best for me. I can't show up to a relationship if I'm not giving myself the sufficient love, time and energy. I tried many methods to make it work and it didn't. It doesnt mean that we don't love each other, it just means in our current state it's not going work for me (it may work for him though).
@@hubbadouble8025that's not what they're saying! It's not about the money, it's about unfulfilled promises and a willingness to try! If your partner isn't working, but makes zero effort to do so, or even TRY to work as a team, then it's doomed to fail. He's just lazing around with absolutely no intention of working or trying to better himself. One of the most unattractive features in a person is their lack of drive. To be better, to do good (and I don't mean just monetarily). You can only carry a lazy person for so long before it's game over.
good analogy (job). Its very hard to admit to yourself that you have tried and tried, and kept quiet, and built resentment over how you've been treated. Sometimes you just have to assess if you are in a 'partnership' or not. And if not, walk away.
I got so sick of hearing “I love you” when his actions said otherwise. Him hitting me was my awakening. I knew deep down we were done; lots of self counseling later I can see just how abusive the relationship was and how God has rescued me from the terrible situation I was in🙏🏻
Your videos are so helpful.... I put in 20 years with a narcissist and was always questioning my own actions. Your videos would have been so helpful. Hopefully it helps people not go through the same thing, or at least, not for so long. 💕 Thank you for this education and for the examples on how it 'should/ could' be 🙏❤️👏
Thank you, Jimmy, for sharing this awakening message It's my hope that people who are in dysfunctional and toxic or abusive relationships will realize their self-worth and have the courage to choose themselves and leave.
I've been putting off watching this video because I knew it would force me to face my part in my own pain where I prioritise a person's potential and not what I am actually receiving from the situation. It is hard, but very necessary. All too necessary.
I married at 21 to escape an abusing family, our relationship of 12 years has wielding three toddlers, a house, three pets, and the longest path of crumbs in the planet. That’s what I’ve been surviving of of. And it doesn’t matter how many times we have the same conversation, since I’m now realizing I’m always the only one that starts it. I don’t have an abusive marriage- like so many here, we don’t fight, heck, we don’t fight over anything, we don’t even disagree on things. He just doesn’t care. And I need someone who does. And I can’t believe i didn’t notice it 12 years ago
Spot on. Left after 6 yrs. Felt like my marriage of 15 yrs w ex narc. Finally acknowledged he was never going to change. Ignored red flags, again. But learning.
Last week I broke up with my avoidant girlfriend. She treated me badly for 6 months. I always worked hard for good contact and nice meetups and a lot of the time the work payed off and we had really good times together and great communication, but the second we woke up together in the morning or the second we said goodbye to each other, she always went cold, ignored my text messages, said she thinks about breaking up with me, texting other guys etc. Now one week ago I finally found the self respect to end things. What was her reaction? She cried and said she thought I would ask her to marry me next year and we would start a family in two years. It was crazy to me - she says this even though she mistreated me so badly and disrespected me every moment? I stayed hard, ended things and the next day she seemed over it already. I know why she is like that and that it has nothing to do with my worth, but it’s still crazy to me and in my head I understand it, but with my heart I never will.
My marriage was full of red flags that I didn't even see until my ex did something criminal and I couldn't morally stay or support him. It's so hard on the kids (but they are resilient.).. esp when the ex tells them I ended the marriage.
Jimmy, I stayed for 37 years for my children. I'm free now. It's a long story, but he fought with me daily, threats of poverty kept me from straying, I couldn't let my children suffer for my mistakes.
Thank you so much I appreciate everything you teach and I’m so glad you are doing this. You have inspired me to be more healthy I’m so glad that I’ve had your guidance.
Very practical, have considered many of your points, but you combined them together, clustered them so we can actually comprehend, and validate what we know, is right, when considering a relationship. Accountability and actions will determine and assist you, if/when you question yourself! Love your presentation style, all makes sense, yet many of us have never drawn thee conclusions. And if we did, we needed one more piece of validation! Thank you for validating this concept of setting anew standard, and seeing growth and maturity. I've been shamed for the changes, and that indicates it is time. Control, etc. you hit on all the points! Yes, we will all be okay, if we don't do the work of two people. Unapologetic standard, non-negotiables, no not at all, cuz love didn't save a relationship. Words don't dictate or trump actions! Thank you Jimmy for your pearls of wisdom! I feel so validated, I'm sending this to the person, so now I feel free and vindicated, that I am allowed to seek what I need, to feel safe, respectful. HOpe, schmope, without respectful vulnerable honesty, I've used these phrases, now I will insist he see this short 20 minute video! Thank you, for the concepts and the team! I love the I will no longer, ..... fill in the blank, how I feel love, not how he does! Distance for punishing me, wow, hit the bulls-eye! Sending prayers your way, in this beautiful ministry you are actually doing, by spreading the truth, regarding true , long term, committed relationships which can only live and survive, with vulnerability, honesty, openness, teamwork, constant communications, efforts shown in actions! Ty ty for all the wonderful ideas combined so succinctly!
Never date for potential. Also only believe actions. People will say anything to get what they want from you. Actions speak louder than words.
amen
Ya not always. Have a guy who shows how he's so there but his words say something totally different. I'll let his no mean no and move on. His loss.
I’m in this position now. I know how good we were at the beginning and I guess I’m waiting for that to come round again but we’re both miserable at the moment. I know how it could be, but that’s not how it is.
Also, never be with someone who is with you for your potential. I wasted time with someone who saw me as a "diamond in the rough". They wanted to improve me into someone worthy of love. I kept trying to improve but the goal posts kept moving.
This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, thank you for this
"When they show you who they are, believe them the first time." Some of the wisest words ever spoken.
Another one I like:
"Stop running after unavailable people."
He didn't mention it in this video explicitly, but that's the gist of it 😊
"my parents divorced when i was very young, so i have issues"
I should have believed him right from the start
He wouldn't tell me how his first marriage to a woman 17 years his senior ended, only that she came to his new house, spent several nights here and there and decorated his place.
Is that a red flag???
Yes, of course it is. Along with him saying he had no trauma, while also telling me, his mom burned the house, the tree and the gifts under it when he was a kid, and no, it was not an accident...or when he told me he found his mom dead...or when he cold turkey went off meds and crashed cars and lived in the woods eating mushrooms and vomiting....and his brothers had to find and drag him out...were thise warnings??
Or when he yelled at me for asking questions about his childhood, more to the point, "what's your favorite childhood memory?"
"I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"
we were already married at this point...13 years later, we are separated, getting a divorce.
Yeah. I've known for a long time, this isn't healthy for either of us.
One of my favourites too. Actions speak louder than words.
But isn’t this host a cheater? How would you reconcile that with this wise one liner?
At the end of mediation my soon to be ex husband stood up, looked at me and said,”but I love you”
The attorneys in the office held their breath (he was violent toward me), I stood up, looked at him and said, “but you didn’t live it”.
After he left, the mediator and both attorneys said they’ve seen women change their minds when hearing this and often later end up in an ER and commended me my strength.
It wasn’t easy
But it was right.
✨💖✨
Abusers never change! My mum was beaten almost daily when I was small....she repeatedly forgave him! He left when he d gone through her inheritance . He s been dead thirty three years. No love lost here!
Wow❤ you did great
I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Well done, such strength
AMEN. And God bless your healing and strengthening journey ahead ❤ I commend you and have strong belief your success is on the horizon to a healthy and happy and empowered YOU , which in turn breeds a healthy life with, or without, a new person and REAL life partner - much love and smiles to you 😊🏆🕊️✨
When you learn that you are the only one trying to make it work, you have your answer.
True. This one is true.
💯💯💯💯💯💯
Exactly 🙌🏻
Can confirm.
Just ask lots of questions, before making BIG decisions... 🎉😂😮😊
I made this quote after my last relationship, which made me feel the way it was described in the video. I wanted to share it with anyone currently going through something similar:
"We mistake quiet for peace, avoidance for resolution, and distraction for fulfillment. Yet peace requires confrontation, resolution requires engagement, and fulfillment requires purpose."
Thank you for sharing this
This IS really good. Lyrical, emotionally intelligent, present, wise and accessible. I hope more people see this and understand how profound it is. I needed to see this today. Thank you, for sharing your incredible insight. Best, ~L.
thank you for sharing. I keep this quote for when I need it.
Also needed to read this!!
Perfect
I use to keep telling him he acts like I'm not his person. Finally realized he's not MY person.
Wowwwwwwww 🤯
Wow amazing 🙌 well said!
I kept asking him to stop belittling me and treating me like his child. He'd talk to me like he was my father. We are the same age.
Whewwwwww this
@@MamaMixedGamerhe’s treating you how he feels about you. You can find someone better. I’ve been in a relationship like this…. It was with a guy who was only looking to replace his mother. I’m not controlling, but apparently I was even though he was the one who couldn’t even respect boundaries that were set. He needed someone to tell him what when where in his life. Replacing his mother basically. Broke it off, he couldn’t accept it and he still wanted to force it, I wasn’t putting in as much work as before but still became more and more resentful because I already knew I wanted out but was doing what this guy wanted only for him to be emotionally manipulative, use my stuff against me, and bring out the worst in me. I’m not happy it brought out worst, but I at least look back and notice I knew stuff wasn’t going to work since a long time before and kept being forced (only due to having the house together) it was only lengthened a couple months over
You finally reach a point where being on your own feels better than staying together. That’s when you’re able to leave.
I loved the “Your body is too smart to continue to give itself to someone who isn’t safe”
My men would say 'but I love you', and I would say 'How am I experiencing that love, exactly? Because I'm receiving nothing.'
I will have to write this down. Such a good response. Also such a good reminder to myself.
I love this reply. I wish I could go back in time and ask my husband that question.
Thats a good one, need to use it myself
Yup. I got to the point that my response was “and love is not enough”!
I really resent that "But I love you" phrase, it feels so manipulative and it says absolutely nothing. I always answered. "I think we have very different concepts of what love is"
The biggest indicator of my "doneness" was when I stopped doing things for him that I normally would. I stopped making his lunch. Even though I'd made it everyday for more than a year, I just quit making it one day. Stopped cooking. Stopped cleaning up his messes. Stopped stressing over laundry. I do not care anymore. Zero motivation; it just disappeared.
After 19 years, I'm finally taking my life back. Through therapy 2x/week, and with an amazing therapist, I'm finding my self-worth and my authentic self.
His pity-party no longer works with me. At all.
It's like your tank runs empty, so you just give up. The disrespect and frustration takes a toll. Then they discard you.
Felt that, I've stopped putting away his laundry and I've stopped cooking extravagant meals. You give me hope that I'll make it through too.
Same here. No more doing the 33 things around the house, laundry and meals for him, at my cost of my sanity and physical health. Pity party - LOL, I'll remember that, cause he is pitiful and I feel sorry for him.
Sooo relatable!! I've found the most healing from mushroom trips!!
BRAVO ❤🎉
15 years- I waited fifteen flipping years. Poor self worth, trauma bonding, couples counselling, individual counselling- whatever I did or tried to do, was never enough.
I can't have a partnership by myself, especially if I'm the only one who shows up.
Don't waste as much time as me, accept that this person just can't or won't give what you need. Doesn't make them a bad person, just makes them not yours.
Nah, someone who consistently chooses not to show up for you and put in the effort is a bad person. Let's start calling it out. Handling them with kid gloves is doing no one any favors.
@@cornwallismorgan874Just because they're a bad partner, doesn't make them a bad person in general/over all. Everyone has their own person/inner issues and many aren't mentally and emotionally capable of doing the work at that time to save their relationship but them go on to change and give their next partner exactly what the ex needed. That doesn't make them a bad person, just an imperfect one like all of us. A person can't grow and change until THEY are ready to now matter how much they may want to. That doesn't make then a bad person, just not the person for you, at least not at that time. They may get to that point and be able to grow and change after they lose it all. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for them to learn the lesson and get to that place where growth is finally possible for them. That's when some couple get back together and actually end up in a healthy place. That's not the case for most but for some, ending it turns out to be exactly what was needed to get the one who wasn't really trying to a place where they're able to. Sometimes losing it all is the kick in the ass one needs to take back control over what has been holding them back.
@@cornwallismorgan874So very true!! Start labeling it for what it is.
Should any validation be needed upon doing so observe the response/reaction. There’s your answer
@@cornwallismorgan874 🫂❤️
@ryanfennewald5661 thank youuu 🫂
I now go by the following rule: Once is a mistake. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. And the minute I see one, you're out. (took me 30 years to get there!)
what you feel now ? what's in your head now ??
@@LoveLINKs-vf8hpBetter be alone than lose another minute trying to make it work with a wolf in sheep's clothing. What's in my mind, you ask? Peace. For the first time in decades.
Great wisdom. Thank you. I needed to hear this today.
Don’t know if “you’re out” is the right mindset, but glad you’re able to spot the patterns now
@@SaaduMia its a way of saying "and the minute i see an unhealthy pattern, you are out of my life" there is no right mindset- these are boundaries, not a mindset. each person can set them where it feels safest for them
After 34 years, i finally found the strength to end a toxic dysfunctional marriage. 34 years of abuse and neglect. 34 years of dreams being destroyed. 34 years and 7 children. A stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. He took everything from me that he could, even the kids, leaving me no where to go and no money. Evil comes in many ways and they are sitting in your churches too. I will never be fully alive again, but i finally have some peace in my life.
Oh Joyce I totally understand and am so happy for you as hard as this is. I’m so sure!!! I am on the never ending ring around after 33 years. Lists of trauma and loss. My weakness actually sickens me. As I sit here with bronchitis and pneumonia right now, so be very very proud of yourself and know that you are an inspiration and I pray for you and that I too can write a similar story one day (soon). Sending peace and love to you.
My worst relationship was a guy who claims to love God and went to bible college. I was married to a loving man who didnt go to church but showed the love through his actions for 22 years. The man who treated me like shit was/ and is my punishment for leaving a good man for a (unbenost to me how bad he really is) player.
I had very similar experience. Don’t give up. You’ll turn a corner and be happy again. Losing the kids take a chunk out of your heart, but you’ll heal day by day!
I had the same experience but with 8 kids (also homeschooled) and 23 years of marriage. ❤
At least your old age will be peaceful
When my ex-husband asked me if I could recommend any resources so that he could work on our marriage I sent him a couple of Jimmy’s videos. Very soon I saw some positive changes. Then I woke up - the first argument we had he told me I believe in bs a TH-camr posted just to milk us people who don’t want to accept that marriage is difficult and I was trying to pull him into that illusion. That’s when I knew I had to walk away.far far away.which I did🙌
that action 👍👍
Yeah it's damn pride
Uh, you were married and because of one fight you divorced him? It's a common fact there's much money grabbing from TH-cam. He possibly experienced those theives and in his anger compared the two. Maybe you could have had a little more communication?
@@thesetruths1404how immature one has to be to divorce after one fight? how did you even extrapolate that from my comment
@@MaRi-dz4fu you said "after first argument"
I’m drowning in depression because I cannot see a way out. Every time I want to leave everyone always says “but he loves you” “he doesn’t hit you”. Yes but he doesn’t sleep in the same room as me, he doesn’t cuddle me, he doesn’t make me feel safe when we drive together (road rage), he messes up the house after I clean, he doesn’t talk with me, he talks at me. Then I’m the overreacter. I’m sad, lonely and feel utterly hopeless.
@joliebulifant4995 you can do this! No matter what anyone else says. Why anyone should believe this way of living is ok, is beyond me. Believe in yourself!
Jolie! You must leave him! It will be difficult, but you can go. Don’t let anyone bully or guilt you into staying. Trust me, it’s sooooo much better to be single. It took me 10 years to get the courage to leave my ex. Your gut knows you must escape. Please get out! Hugs!
“Everyone” is wrong. If they can’t see how unfulfilled, unhappy, and unsafe you feel that’s their problem. Please take yourself seriously and care for yourself as you would a scared miserable hurt child. Love yourself.
He. Doesn't. Love. You.
This. Is. Not. What. Love. Looks. Like.
Stop letting other people decide your feelings or boundaries.
If this were your daughter, what would you tell her and how would you get her out?
@ I know ☹️
I endured so many years of abuse and my therapist finally helped me understand it. I kept crying about how he's been my best friend and partner for so long, and she finally read out the list of abuses we'd written and asked me, "is this what a best friend does?" It was a glass shatter moment for me because I could never unsee it. I needed it spelled out like that to finally break my denial.
❤🩹
This is exactly why women initiate most divorces. Their needs aren't being met. Family, friends, society is going to blame her for doing that to him. She's called selfish, because 'he wasn't cheating on her.'
Please don't listen to their message. Your needs are valid.
Interesting…. A good friend divorced her husband of 20 years for nearly same reasons you described. They stayed friends and she helped him through his dying process a year later. She said he didn’t know how to love her. He was cold. He did not show her physical or emotional intimacy and he lied about some important issues in their marriage. She said he was still in love with his first wife and I believe she was right I do believe he cared for her, but he did not know how to love her correctly.
lol
Men don't want to pay for the filing and they don't care if they look bad starting a new relationship while still married to someone else .
Seen it over and over...
@@sarcasticcat4982 What I've seen over and over is that men don't want to get divorced and don't understand why she does, despite her telling him over and over that she feels alone and unvalued. They're willing to ignore her needs because they're comfortable.
@@debraperry6091 yes that happens a lot too. Then there's that issue where men will make her do everything without him and so she realizes he's just another child /nuisance.
I've actually seen some of these mgtow shows advice men not help her unless she "puts out" first.
I laughed.
Then they wonder why she files for divorce and takes the kids with her citing that he didn't do anything with them to begin with.
He didn't contribute in any way other than a paycheck and he's now complaining that that is all his family sees him as... 😂
This is well said, I was married 22 years waiting for him. He was a wonderful provider for the house but no intimacy. He would say he needed it but wouldn’t show up for me, I was so lonely. It’s been over a year now and I’m alone but Craziest thing I found out now that I’m out of my marriage; I am alone but I’m not Lonely.
Good. Coz some people are married and feel lonely as f.
22 years of this exact thing now.
This is what I deal with daily. If I'm not there for his "needs", right that very second, it turns into a temper-tantrum, followed by him weaponizing s** against me, saying "I made him" have to go and relieve himself. All the while he doesn't hug me, kiss me or even engage with me on a "how was your day?" basis. But I'm the bad guy because I didn't give him s** the very second he needed it. It truly is like dealing with a child, except he has terrifying man-strength.
32 years for me. Best decision I ever made was to choose me and stop thinking this "Godly" man ever wanted a good relationship. Here's to being true to yourself and to getting your joy back!
@laurar8486 what was a perfect example of his bad character and how old are you now? Do you hope of finding someone else? It might be even being alone is better, ya?
My favorite phrase he consistently makes is “love is not enough”
I’ve found that it is so much easier to feel love for someone than it is to actually show it.
Interesting second point to the is that most times that love feeling is so easy to confirm with physical intimacy at first but it’s also the first thing to go.
Love is a verb
Which is why physical intimacy should never come before marriage.
@ 1000% disagree
Such a thoughtful perspective. True love grows through consistent actions, not just feelings-keep striving for deeper connections that last.
Physical intimacy is one of the major parts in life, and it is best to find out possible incompatibility in that area long before marriage.
And this applies if you're not very sexual, too. Actually, for asexuals especially, because the likelihood of incompatibility is huge then.
My ex boyfriend did not know how to communicate his needs. Every time I asked him to tell me if something bothers him or if he would like any change in the relationship he would tell me that everything is fine. The only time he brought something up was as a defense when I brought up an issue. This really left me feeling unheard and frustrated. He kept avoiding difficult conversations, making me feel like I am too much because I was expressing my needs and emotions, while he would rather be left alone.
i feel this
And then you realise he was with you only for his convenience.
So we had the same guy?😢
Same here gurl❤😊
@@ninacuk yes 😒
I need to listen to this on repeat. I just ended a relationship for all these reasons. And I keep second guessing and regret. This. All of this. I deserve to feel valued, respected and connected. Thank you.
I understand, I really really do. Almost 10 years together, it HAD to end. I wish you peace of mind and courage. I'm proud of you, I know how hard this is, and you're not alone. Hold on, we have to keep moving forward. I hope you have a beautiful future where you're respected and fulfilled. ❤❤❤❤
I'm in the same boat. I know what I did was right, but I miss our relationship so much that I really have to be reminded of why I did it again and again.
I hear you! That's the level of self-gaslighting and cognitive dissonance some people can cause to us.
Jimmy, I really needed to hear this right now. 37 years with a dismissive avoidant (72 y/o) which I just learned about a month ago. Had I known, I wouldn’t have hoped for 37 yrs that he would change and wasted my life. Everything you said in this video, even I’m scared, has proven many things to me of what I’ve been through and moving forward. But the wounds are deep…. I pray I find the courage and the wisdom . I love him so much that the pain is too much.
you can do this. i wish you the best.❤️
I misread it. I thought you mean you are 37 year old and is in a relationship with a 72 year old. I was losing my balls over this
Don’t forget that trauma bonding has happened and addiction. I couldn’t see either for more than a year. There are lots of layers so take the time you need and embrace your freedom. You are strong! You have value. Find your voice. You are beautiful!
I've been trapped for 23 yrs! Just learned last yr and half that he is a narricist! When Gid revealed this to me, He told me to leave him, because he wasnt going to change as long as I was there. I'm just now acting on it, and slowing moving just my personal things and important papers and documents. He can have the materialistic things! He has no clue, and this viedo just made me realize that I am doing the right thing , and praying you have the same strengh! God bless you!
I am going through the same thing. I was married for 37years to a dismissive avoidant narcissist. I had no idea what that was until a couple of years ago, but when I found the information it perfectly described my husband and everything I had been through in our relationship. My husband is a religious narcissist so I had another layer of confusion to navigate through. For years I thought I was the problem because I didn't have the same "faith" as him, I still believed in God but I wasn't brought up with the religious fervour that he was, that his parents and whole family were. He blamed me for everything because of that. His narcissistic religious "mask" made him right about everything. I finally had enough last year and I left. It's been very hard at times and lonely and my children didn't understand at first, but it's getting better and I am slowly healing and feeling stronger and I know I have done the best thing for me. Otherwise I would have slowly died from the neglect and lack of intimacy and closeness that our marriage had become. He saw no problem with any of this but I had suffered for years from depression and physical ailments had started to show up in my life. My body was literally telling me in so many ways that I was living in toxicity which would have eventually killed me. I don't think my husband was consciously aware of how much he was hurting me. He never had my back and continuously chose his family and friends above me. It's just the way he rolls. Thank God that I was able to find the strength and courage to leave. I really do feel more at peace now than ever before.
If you have to ask for love, it's not coming from the person it should.
Not always. Sometimes a spouse shows love to you via their actions toward you, and their actions are not what you need to feel loved. Like maybe your spouse never takes care of the kids, but takes you out every Friday night for dinner without the kids, but you need him to take care of the kids every Saturday, all day, in order to give you a break from them.
I, unfortunately, stayed for 13-years in a relationship with someone I loved with all my being…and waited all that time for his “potential ability to be in an adult relationship” to show up. It never did.
Same here. In the end i was a living corpse, isolated from everyone
I waited 9 years with mine, and finally ended it 2 years ago . I got an "i'm so sorry" msg randomly from him months ago and I didn't respond.
I'm on year 21 now waiting on his potential. He provides financially so well, but that's it
You know, 20 years ago this kind of information was NOT readily available. Most of us ended up in toxic marriages because we did not know better. The internet has revolutionized access to mental health and relationship health information! It's too bad the young dating scene is a mess because they're the first generation with access to the correct information on how to be in a healthy relationship. 🙃
I finally accepted that he never gave me mixed signals, and that losing interest in me did not have to carry blame or make someone a "narcissist". I have learned:
Interest is like truth, it is what it is.
People do what they want to do.
If he cared.. he would show it
If he wanted it.. he would pursue it
If he was interested, their would be no question about it.
Men are solution oriented so if he not asking you ..he has come to his own solution and it doesn't include you. 😢
This video perfectly explains the situation I was in half a year ago when I made the hardest decision to leave my fiancé and move alone 11k km to be just with myself and become more aware of who I am again. This time apart turned out to be exactly what we both needed to learn to take responsibility for our own well-being and understand what truly matters to us. After six months, we reconnected, started individual therapy as well as couples counseling, and we are now re-engaged, stronger than ever. Staying true to my boundaries turned out to be the greatest act of love and trust that everything will be okay in the end.
Doing the right thing can seem like the worst nightmare sometimes but it will eventually lead you to what's best for you.
A Strong, centered, and encouraging response for self growth then couple hood / engagement 2.0 with a plan of action. I’m happy for you. This is humane.
Jimmy I have watched lots of relationship and spiritual videos over the years but your video sums all those up in a beautiful way. I was alone in a 27 year marriage. I went to the courthouse 2 weeks after my youngest left for college. I had no place to go. I camped then stayed at a friends then finally found a room. I have been so happy for 2 years to come to peace.
This is true for ALL... close relationships... Friendships too.... absolutely.
I had to give up on the idea of potential, three and a half years later. Now, I'm left to process trauma.
sending hugs
Wishing you the very best. We're in the same boat.
Dealing still with it - 7 years in.
I'm very sorry.
I hoped for 55 years for "potential". I was, unfortunately, a fool. 😔
same boat 😢
Remember, we get what we settle for.
The thing is, when it’s discussed, it lasts only so long then it’s back to same old same old. I just want to give up. It’s an endless cycle.
Absolutely correct. A toxic Loop that is Soul stealing and painful beyond words.😢
Unfortunately, if the change is temporary, and then it's back to that same loop, it is time to leave. I appreciate this is easy to say and hard to do, but I've been there and trust me it is MUCH better to be out of there. You can rebuild and be happy
About 3-4 business days haha
Don't mistake 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards for same old, same old. Sometimes it's 2 forward, 2 backwards, 2 forward again, 1 backwards. It takes time to change behavioural patterns and to learn (how) to express emotions and needs in a constructive way
@gerdine9258 well said! Change can happen. My partner is a testament xx
Thank you for validating how if both people aren’t willing to put in the work, the relationship wont survive! ❤
And let's also not forget that sometimes it takes losing everything for the one who wasn't putting in the work to come to their senses and take back control over what was holding them back and then do the work and in time prove themselves worthy of another chance and then they get back together and it actually work out. I know it doesn't work like this in most cases but for some it does. Let us not forget about that some just need to learn lessons the very hard way and they ACTUALLY do learn.
@@mrsjuliasmith3433if they don't/can't learn with you constantly asking for your needs to be met, the chances of them having an "a-ha!" moment when you leave is negligible! JMO
Love is an action and choice. No effort no triumph. Takes two.
This video made me cry...every single word spoke to me. This relationship isn't working
Don’t waste a second more of your time, love, and life. Step away and live your life 🫶
@izabotenno thank you
Same 😭
The analogy about showing up to work speaks volumes to me. Thank you for all the work you put into helping others, Jimmy. I so appreciate your dedication to helping others.
My ex, only wanted a baby sitter, maid, chauffer, chef , seamstress, party planner, holiday decorator , not a wife, partner , nothing i wanted or needed EVER mattered.
Roommates raising kids. I was out. Unapologetically
I wish my grandmother and mother had been able to leave abuse. All it taught me was how to live in chaos and emotional distress. I’m changing this so no generation after me suffers toxic relationships
@@PinkGSR the personal work you have to do to be successful at that is so worth every bit of effort!!!
Respect
Good for you! I did the same, and I'm teaching my grown children the lesson it took me too long to learn. 🎉
Lucky you had kids
@lexpixie1689 Kids made the divorce harder, but they were part of the reason that I did it. They deserved better.
I'm so happy that people like this person exist, at all. It's the only thing that gives me hope.
My ex wife was emotionally abusive. She still denies it. It was hard leaving as we have kids but once i started seeing a counsellor and rediscovered my self worth i regretted not leaving sooner.
He was to me and denied it to point where I ended up reactively abusive. Don’t stay until they destroy you.
10 years with a man that never once tried to better himself or fix any problem. He was a selfish and entitled man child. Could have used this video about 5 years ago when things were getting really bad.
Hi how did you overcome and start moving on? Because I’m too am in similar relationship like yours but I’m scared to leave
May i ask. Where were your shortcomings in the relationship? Did you work on any to better yourself? See all i see and read on these types of videos is one person completely and utterly putting all the blame on other person. And quite honestly except in extreme and rare circumstances, that is simply not the case. Although it is much easier to not look at oneself and just put it all on the other person.
@@bryanhilton5131 i push my limits to change whatever he didn’t like because I know I’m not perfect and now that I’m with someone I found out my flaws too. But never once did I make him feel bad about himself. I was always there for him at his lowest, I lied to my parents and rush to the hospital to take care of his mother. But last year he started talking to a girl, she was really a good person. Now we are together again and I can’t trust him anymore when I want to. He would say I’m bringing out unnecessary conflicts when he wants to change. But I can’t help. I’d go back in time and regret for begging him to come back. I lost the sense of belonging
@Racheltouthang23 if you're scared of his reactions, you have all the more reason to leave! Seek help if necessary.
If you're scared of the change, of the "unknown", I can understand it. Even necessary changes that you choose yourself can be scary and exhausting, too. But we have the power to survive it even when it doesn't feel like it. And you'll find your ways to live your own life. You'll probably even have the revelation how easy life can be when you can just choose things for yourself, freely.
It's said that in marriage 2 people together solve issues they wouldn't even have alone. That's kind of true, you really do get issues you don't have alone - and it's only worth it when you're actually solving them together.
I’ve been in the longest separation process ever. Haven’t left yet. Money difficulties and more. Latest painful hit. The engine on my car is gine. Working two jobs to get my exit. Now no car I’m crushed. I have a little voice in my head saying let go. Just screw it all.
LET GO
The fear of leaving a 22 yr relationship with a person with covert narc qualities is awful. Don’t wish this on anyone. The roller coaster of emotion is awful. Everything described in this video is correct. A person genuinely interested in fixing what’s wrong shows up differently that someone just saying the words. Take your time girls and boys and notice the difference between the two
Mine was 15 years and it was with a in-denial Borderline+covert narcissist who believed they had DID instead and refused to get diagnosed, and refused to get a job after being laid off due to covid. They didn't believe me when I said I bent over backwards to please them and demanded even more from me. I was only able to divorce with family help to live elsewhere+ moving out + 1k extra for divorce attorney fees (I forked over an intial 5k). I'm still recovering.
Legislators need to understand the long con with zombie people. They just don’t get how you can marry a normal person but end up with someone who has been lying in wait a decade to make sure you are broke. You think out of anyone, legislators would understand plausible deniability was drafted in Hell.
Yup, I am cool with being in a relationship with just myself
Im 40 and single.. ive just activated my cat and hot chocolate subscription 😅
I met the love of my life at 40 that treats me better than I could have ever have imagined. No love bombing, no masks, just 100% vulnerability and acceptance. Take care of you, give yourself love you needed, enjoy the cats and chocolate! If you are meant to meet someone it will happen, don't have to push it, take it easy on yourself.
@og8425 I appreciate that 💜 thank you for your comment and compassion. 😊
honestly it feels that way at 30
@airahfuji lol same, but 8 years later, I met someone... I canceled the subscription... but now... after a year and a half, and single again I've reconsidered, I now have a kitten, and currently, just waiting on the water to boil for my hot chocolate 😅
I just turned 39 and it’s not going well in the relationship scene for me. It’s hard not to just quit. I like the chocolate and cat. 😊 I’m at the gym and thinking of getting another guinea pig. It’s all I can do.
This is gold. People get stuck going around in circles in their relationships without dealing with things that make them feel distant or hurt. Things will not just magically change without you addressing your issues. And if your partner is willing to work with you on this, then you will have a chance for a happy relationship.
This episode is pure GOLD. THE BEST ONE YET
Best one yet
Thank you. I am tired of being the bigger person, but God used this to speak into my situation. My husband has left this past weekend. I am purposefully putting boundaries in on my own behaviours just in case he comes back with an apology and a willingness to work on our union. I understand the "this relationship must end". Thank you.
I didn't leave not because I had hope for the relationship, but because I had no hope for surviving without it.
Ughhhhhh me right now 😢😢😢😢😢
Yep. Some folks can’t comprehend that. 💔
I thought that. But I found peace, and love. You can do it!
💯BEST YET❗️listen to the entire clip. Then Repeat. Sadly, 28 years in. He graciously tolerated all my inadequacies. Leave, Leave Leave. Better to be FREE and Alone. Then caged for Life.! At 50, (mentally 26) getting my first degree. Honestly. YOU CAN Too. You can do it!
You’re a very kind and insightful Man Jimmy. Consider exploring this space as an educational tool within schools. Stop the Cycle. You’re relatable and engaging. 😊
I’m 26 years in, and I also just went back to school to get a degree.
@ I hope you’re now Free and living your best life 😊💜🌿
Bravo 🎉❤
I already knew it. It’s nice being validated.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Jimmy nailed the truth on the wall for all to see again...keep sharing Jimmy, we are listening.❤
You’re very kind :)
@@JimmyonRelationshipsjimmy, can you please recommend any psychiatrist for my narcissistic partner? Please.
Jimmy I only wish you were here 20 years ago. But I am very glad you ARE here now. I won't repeat mistakes of the past. I have learned so much over the years and you are just telling it like it is and I can't thank you enough!
Something that I’ve seen with people my age (20) is the fact that couples tend to just end it because things aren’t going well and it’s just easier. For me and my boyfriend (25) we’ve had so many moments that could’ve ended our relationship but despite these moments I’d say our relationship is damn near perfect in the sense that our love for each other is unbreakable and our willingness to make it work is what has kept us together. I’m his 6th relationship and the first who hasn’t cheated or abused him. He’s my first relationship ever and he’s the most patient and dedicated person I’ve ever met. somehow we just get through every single thing together. I’ve been told it’s stupid to not keep my options open but to us we are each other’s only option and we don’t want other options.
I held in for 20 years. I remember when he told me that if I wanted him to one day ask me how my day was or how was work that that was never going to happen. Broke my ❤️ into a million pieces. All I could think was how little asking such a question was, and still he would not do it knowing that that’s something that I wanted. 😢
At least he was straight with you. Not that that's any better, obviously(it's pretty shitty). But mine says instead, "well I don't ask you about your day because I figure you're going to just tell me at some point, so why bother."
So very true, so well said!
For all those who do the work for two: no healing fantasies, stop abandoning yourself!
Jimmy your Gift to this world is your absolute understanding of People, Relationships, Love and your ability to explain it to others in such a Brilliant way. Thank You!
Re the kids, they sense or hear the tensions and lack of love...staying for the kids teaches them this what a relationship looks like, whether they are sons or daughters, its not great for them. Show them your strength by showing you need to take care of yourself vs showing them to keep putting themselves last... good luck out there.
You said it so right.
Thank you for your videos over the past 9month. I did not join all the dots. 36yrs of abuse, trauma and grieving for what I was "shown" I would get but it changed exactly a month after our marriage. I am past being angry with myself for letting myself down.
I am done with people who have no values. And ready to be by myself, trust myself and enjoy my own company. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Far out! It is empowering.
I have young children and a stepson. I am also religious. I cannot - for those reasons - leave. I will not introduce the chaos and pain into their lives that leaving would bring. (And I would not be the one causing that chaos, but it would still happen.) I have zero needs met - not even one. And I have struggled with resentment, but I am moving past that, and I can create a stable, kind, loving, respectful, health environment for my kids and even for my husband. I can be kind and considerate and respectful to my husband. He's like a distant cousin to me - there is a bond, there is a balance of responsibilities and duties, but there's just no emotional connection. It is what it is.
But to anyone who is dating - just leave. Just leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 - shake the dust off your feet, and leave and then work on being healthy and happy.
Just ask yourself…Is the chaos of staying any better than leaving?…
whether you are religious or not., staying in a dynamic like that will likely have lasting or permanent implications on your children and for yourself. Pretending to cope is not a viable strategy. They will drain you of your life force until you are a shriveled up corpse…Either by their hands, or your own through making excuses for them, excuses for yourself, or eventually getting sucked so dry you just don’t want to go on living anymore.
I left my narcissistic relationship of 14 years after his physical rage almost ended my life. I didn’t believe in divorce before that time either.
Please please please read “Life Saving Divorce” by Gretchen Baskerville and “Is it Me?” By Natalie Hoffman and “Death by a Thousand Cuts” by Patrick Doyle. These resources were so helpful for me! Hugs 💗
I was in a similar situation. Praying for wisdom.
Please leave. ❤ If its not for yourself, then do it for your kids. Think about, what you are teaching them what a healthy relationship looks like.
@hopepolenica971 I am so sorry for the abuse you went through. My house isn't chaotic - there's no fighting, no rage, no tense silences. My husband is very selfish and entirely emotionally disengaged. I provide stability and I can encourage (force) things like family outings and family church time which wouldn't be possible in a divorce. More than likely, my husband would just disappear and have a carousel of relationships and hookups. It would be fine for me but awful for them.
4:34 Every time I tried to share how I felt it would start a fight and somehow end up back on me even when I communicated calmly in a receptive feminine way, only focusing on my feelings anything negative is a no. It got very disorienting.
i was in the same situation as you. my partner’s ability to turning things around at me turned me gradually absolutely desperate.
1:03 minutes in and I was like “yep, yep exactly!” I needed this video and I’m so grateful something told you to make it and post it this week. Thank you!
SAME!
My current husband started showing me his dark side when we were dating. We had a discussion and went on a brief hiatus. He needed to know my boundaries and his respected them. About a year later he asked me to marry him and I said yes, is he isn’t perfect, but neither am I. The marriage so far is very good. He is loving and considerate and when he crosses a boundary, I am comfortable calling him on it. I’ve had to do that once since we’ve been married and we have not had an issue with that item again, I hope the marriage lasts the rest of my life, but if things went south he knows I will bail. I told him right up that I am a flight risk and that he needed to be aware of that. I also did a prenuptial so that things were clearly defined. We have been in this relationship for almost 3 1/2 years and it is good.
Blessings to you both. I appreciate your clarity and explanation of the process of relating between you, the agreements, and Vulnerability that comes from sharing the Darksides. My partner and I have that. Plus, faith, a lot of potential, and a community. Trying to ascertain if he’s at the point of wanting to work on himself, which is the key that everyone who knows him sees. Total golden guy and compatible but Arrested Development.
@@TeaPourSixFour My husband could work on himself but I am satisfied as he is… I accept this version of him.
We'll I hope it lasts. My marriage was fantastic for over 10 years. The last 14 years was a nightmare! Keep your radar on to protect yourself. I pray your marriage lasts forever. I knew my would too😢
Im trying to leave now, but we share a lease. However, he hasnt paid a dime towards the rent or bills. He was supposed to start looking for work once my son started Kindergarten and he hasn't even looked. I wouldnt care so much but I work and then come home and he never does more than pick up a bit. He doesnt want to clean until it becomes a problem for him. I take out the trash, I do laundry, dishes, sweep/mop, pay the bills, grocery shop, on top of being a mom to a special needs kid with a job thay barely covers the bills. He just plays games and half ass watches my son when he isnt at school so like twice a week maybe. Hell stay up all night and sleep all day, then complain that I dont want to spend time for him. Now hes right. Especially because I took your advice Jimmy and told him i wanted a boundary when we fight, no name calling. The same one you talked about in past videos, I'll walk away for a bit if name callong starts. He called me a baby and told me he didnt have tome for all my emotions right now. Days later, no apologies, but hes gone back to normal. Not knowing he has finally broken this relationship, imo, for good. My lease ends in March
Live as his roommate until then. No physical intimacy. Time to get out. I've been there to, he's using you and is not a partner, he wants a mommy and he's a child. I'm very sorry but better days are ahead for you.
Don't let the man-child be an example to your child. Stop the cycle here.
Plan a secret leave already. Guys spoiled that far are unpredictable, imo. I don't want to scare you, just support you to be attentive.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo This! Don't tell him it's over until you do not renew the lease together.
This was how my partner was in the last three years of our 15 year marriage. It was awful. I didn't tell them when exactly I was leaving because they've been unpredictable before and thrown a stapler at me before and I didn't want to deal with that.
When I moved in with my mom I felt like a drought stricken field suddenly getting water and nourishment from the sun. Emotionally I'd been so deprived I had been getting crumbs from my ex and grateful for them!! Just awful
@ehrenyu I totally understand what you're going through and what you went through and I wish you all the best in your healing journey because you deserve it
I was nodding through the whole thing. Thank you.
Same
I bent too far , gave/ sacraficed too much, took bread crumbs and stayed way too long ... in the end the devastating horrible way he acted to my leaving confirmed every one of my fears, doubts and validated my decision with absolute clarity ( scarily sadly so) 😥 💔💯‼️
Oh my word I stayed in this relationship for 42 years. He was the nice guy. And that was one of the reasons I stayed was for the kids, thought it was what God wanted me to do. Then he retired I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I had nothing my children were gone And it was just him and me. That’s when I finally woke up.
The dating scene is something straight out of a dystopian psychological horror. All this information, all these resources available at the swipes of a mouse and a few button clicks, and all people do with it is learn how to say new words and pretend to be healed. People approach relationships from a place of "What can I get out of this" vs "What do I have to offer to this", and just lie and fake and create completely one-sided dynamics where they just refuse to have what they say they want/are ready for. It's beyond old.
That's because learning all this information doesn't actually make you heal, now if we could get mushrooms legalized and spread education on how to use them for trauma healing, then we would truly make progress!!
@@alisiademi Right, because no one wants to do the work, which is also a big thing in this mushroom craze. It's nothing more than trying to either skip the work or fast-track something that takes years to successfully do. As a former psych nurse, I've seen people do irreparable damage to themselves with mushrooms. It's not the great, wonderful thing a lot of people seem to think it is.
@@alisiademiMy close friend I grew up with did lot's of mushrooms and LSD when we were 18-21yo. He now has permanent brain damage, schizophrenia and is on a government pension living with his mother. I can't be around him more than an hour nowadays.
Well said
@Alixir1228 I've kinda just always had a hard time with it because I'm a lesbian, so the entire female dating scene just moves way too fast and is highly toxic on top of it. But yes, I hear that basic thing a lot and it just breaks my heart. 😞 I don't see how anyone is supposed to find a partner.
Thank you Jimmy I had to leave in February for the better rather he left, I continue to self healing . I finally cut the umbilical cord last month I change my phone number . Now he cannot call, text. Truly thank you for your help.
I am part of a founding team at a start-up. This describes my situation as my counterpart has gaslit, manipulated, withheld critical information affecting customers, and isolated me over the last year and a half. They just raised him to a higher title and made him my supervisor.
I don’t care anymore how much money the startup can make if it’s successful. I won’t live like this. His behavior is a cancer that doesn’t serve the customer. I will do better on my own.
33% of people are victims of white collar crime in the US. Learn these terms and get the docs to support lawsuits: fraudulent inducement, embezzlement, fundamental fairness, minority shareholder suppression, bad faith negotiations, fiduciary duty, attempted wire fraud, loyalty, self-dealing, piercing the corporate veil, IRS whistleblowing reward $.
These ppl always commit crimes, and they rely on an underfunded white collar crimes division and collusion by the American Bar Association to keep lawyers from helping the middle class. I am not a lawyer, but I have been victimized. Be careful-lawyers seem to be in on it too, or they are just spineless.
Thank you for this episode, I've chosen the hardest decision to leave the relationship because I felt that I am not enough a lot and lost myself in the process when I was in the relationship, I am on therapy now to be able to heal from it, but proud of myself that I left. I got tired that I am the one who should be accountable for everything but not vice versa, neglecting my feelings, and feeling unheard, and after 3 months of the breakup, I am feeling great and this relationship, made me explore myself more and know what my flaws are and accept them, also working on them
Going through a rough time in marriage and your videos have been so so helpful! ❤ I wish you also made some more videos about the aspect of marriage when there's kids involved.
Me too! I hear everyone saying divorce is hard and expensive but can't live in a painful marriage fearing that
Yes!
@@chayasadler8771 I don’t know your situation or anyone else’s. I only know my own experience. What I’ve learned is: Divorce IS hard and expensive. But I don’t think it’s harder or more expensive than staying in an unhealthy, unhappy situation. My child was better off with single, safe, content parents than with coupled, miserable, unsafe ones. What are we modelling for kids by staying? That “love” means putting up with abuse or loss of identity? That you don’t get to grow or stand up for your own needs just because you said “I do” at a time when you didn’t have all the information to know better? I don’t see it as a failure to end a marriage. I see it as a failure to finally know better but not do better.
@AThirstyPhilosopher thank you for saying this. I am very lost with 6 year old kid... living in fear and worried
@@chayasadler8771 I’m so sorry you’re living in fear. No one deserves that. I hope you have some support around you-a counsellor or friend or family member you can talk this through with. It’s hard stuff to go through alone. Of course, videos like this are a good resource too, for much-needed advice, support, validation, and community.
Sending strength to you on your journey.
Wow. You just brilliantly articulated my entire situation. I had already put my wife on notice that divorce is coming. This is confirmation to me.
I asked once if he even liked me anymore? I wasn't sure. I will never forget the way he looked at me then. He couldn't stand me but wouldn't let me go. It was horrible 😢 Only thing I ever failed at, my marriage 💚 Be safe out there.
I've asked my "husband" the same thing as well...he always responded by looking at me incredulously. And I always would reply "well by the way you treat me you could have fooled me."
@@sofiabriones9221 I'm so very sorry. It hurts so much 😔
Wow! there are so many quotable phrases of truth you shared here. I took notes and filled multiple pages. My marriage is over but this has helped to heal all that happened leaving up to the slit. Thank you. This healing journey has been a doozy.
A lot of this is true for any type of relationship... friends too!
Thank you. You're really doing a good service to people like myself struggling, drowning, I needed to hear this right now when I am struggling with a long standing toxic marriage. Thank you again for helping to make it so clear for me. I am going to save this video and rewatch anytime I needed to be reminded I tried as much as humanly possible and a marriage can not survive with only one side doing the work....TY.... keep up the good videos.
Just leave when they lash out at you, when they blame others or get angry at you easily. When they are inconsistent and selfish.
If that was true no one was in a relationship.
Thank you for putting this video up today -- I'm at a crossroads in my marriage, and this perfectly describes how I feel and what I need to do.
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I just had a huge conversation with my husband. I told him recently that I am finally ready to love myself and that he needs to do the same. We have had the same fundamental issues that I have brought to the table time and time again and I have been met by avoidance leaving me to stuff my feelings down. And the people pleaser in me just excused it all bc we don't fight that we have a decent life but the same fundamental issues have finally started to add new layers of issues.
When I had this talk to him and told him that I was ready to love myself and listen to a quote that ready what you don't change you choose. And that I encouraged him to do the same and that in the near future I would likely start to move into the bsmt. Since then he has really begun to take steps of change I see him trying but instead of being happy I'm angry, bitter that it has taken so long. I was finally ready to move on and now he's trying so hard and my people please it's feeling guilty. Damn this is hard...I don't know what to do or how to feel. Not sure if it's too little too late...
But if he is finally trying shouldn't I too?!
If he’s (genuinely ) trying give it a go. You guys made a promise to each other. Of course as long as you’re safe
It resonated with me when you said when you become more honest with yourself and aware that you may not be as kind as you could be and to start to ask for what you would like to happen could be appreciated. It’s also helpful to stop doing above and beyond what you do so you can suggest what is doable for them that is appreciated by you. Be aware when calm and consideration starts to happen …you don’t accidentally cause chaos as chaos is familiar and energetic. Use up that extra energy in a healthy way 🏊♂️⛹️♀️🏃♂️🏃♂️🚶♀️➡️🕺💃🦋🪴🏕️🛶
Thank you so much for this 🙏 This is exactly where I am after 12 years of marriage and decided to end it on those exact terms: go forward together and aim to do better or go forward along and aim to do better. Thank you for articulating and validating so many of my thoughts and emotions.
This was posted the evening I sent my final message sharing vulnerability. I offered one of your videos to help with it.
They showed how well they break promises and how quickly they're willing to hurt me "in the moment" hoping I'll still cling to them after. Therefore, videos about how to have a relationship don't apply to them and they admitted to not caring or wanting to watch the videos.
I'm now two weeks free of that and your work helped me end a three-year torture cycle. Thank you, Jimmy!
I appreciate this. My last partner was able to fulfill the emotional safety and I felt some physical safety but what I learned was that there is a financial safety that i needed. He was living was his mom, didn't have a job, DL and car. I've always never judged for that. What I've learned was that these things are basic things to function as an adult. When the issue came up he'd find a temporary solution vs not keeping himself accountable. No matter how much I was giving, the response was i also give too. Invalidating myself. Im actually learning this as I type this.
You're also right about the body not responding to the person because we don't feel safe. I decided to end it and learned that he wanted to have the dream relationship but not work on himself. If there is no growth in a relationship leads to resentment. You can't just go do great things together. Thank you again for this video.
You wanted money over all and you act like a victim. You leav e him because he can't give you more money to feel saf e? l think your karma would be meeting someone richer who doesn't want and not just can't give more money.
@hubbadouble8025 incorrect, but I appreciate your feedback. Im very fortunate to be able to sustain myself and didn't need his money. You can't expect to be in a realationship where from the beginning you have to carry a bulk of the load, financially for two, also be emotionally available, still work on self and the relationship. It's a little different if they are also working on themselves to help the relationship grow and develop instead of... oh I'm doing my part, why aren't you doing yours... neglecting all the extra work that comes in from my side. It's not the matter of the blame game, it's more of doing what's best for me. I can't show up to a relationship if I'm not giving myself the sufficient love, time and energy. I tried many methods to make it work and it didn't. It doesnt mean that we don't love each other, it just means in our current state it's not going work for me (it may work for him though).
@@hubbadouble8025that's not what they're saying! It's not about the money, it's about unfulfilled promises and a willingness to try!
If your partner isn't working, but makes zero effort to do so, or even TRY to work as a team, then it's doomed to fail. He's just lazing around with absolutely no intention of working or trying to better himself.
One of the most unattractive features in a person is their lack of drive. To be better, to do good (and I don't mean just monetarily). You can only carry a lazy person for so long before it's game over.
good analogy (job). Its very hard to admit to yourself that you have tried and tried, and kept quiet, and built resentment over how you've been treated. Sometimes you just have to assess if you are in a 'partnership' or not. And if not, walk away.
I can only watch bits of this at a time!
It’s too true
Too real!
I can’t keep receiving the minimum (of kindness and consideration) forever
❤
I got so sick of hearing “I love you” when his actions said otherwise. Him hitting me was my awakening. I knew deep down we were done; lots of self counseling later I can see just how abusive the relationship was and how God has rescued me from the terrible situation I was in🙏🏻
Your videos are so helpful.... I put in 20 years with a narcissist and was always questioning my own actions. Your videos would have been so helpful. Hopefully it helps people not go through the same thing, or at least, not for so long. 💕 Thank you for this education and for the examples on how it 'should/ could' be 🙏❤️👏
Thank you, Jimmy, for sharing this awakening message It's my hope that people who are in dysfunctional and toxic or abusive relationships will realize their self-worth and have the courage to choose themselves and leave.
Jimmy thank you. This had me weeping its heartbreaking to do everything you know how and then some and never have it be reciprocated. Pray for me
I've been putting off watching this video because I knew it would force me to face my part in my own pain where I prioritise a person's potential and not what I am actually receiving from the situation. It is hard, but very necessary. All too necessary.
I married at 21 to escape an abusing family, our relationship of 12 years has wielding three toddlers, a house, three pets, and the longest path of crumbs in the planet. That’s what I’ve been surviving of of. And it doesn’t matter how many times we have the same conversation, since I’m now realizing I’m always the only one that starts it.
I don’t have an abusive marriage- like so many here, we don’t fight, heck, we don’t fight over anything, we don’t even disagree on things. He just doesn’t care. And I need someone who does. And I can’t believe i didn’t notice it 12 years ago
@@Noele21ful it takes 2 to tango and communicate your feelings
Spot on. Left after 6 yrs. Felt like my marriage of 15 yrs w ex narc. Finally acknowledged he was never going to change. Ignored red flags, again. But learning.
Last week I broke up with my avoidant girlfriend. She treated me badly for 6 months. I always worked hard for good contact and nice meetups and a lot of the time the work payed off and we had really good times together and great communication, but the second we woke up together in the morning or the second we said goodbye to each other, she always went cold, ignored my text messages, said she thinks about breaking up with me, texting other guys etc. Now one week ago I finally found the self respect to end things. What was her reaction? She cried and said she thought I would ask her to marry me next year and we would start a family in two years. It was crazy to me - she says this even though she mistreated me so badly and disrespected me every moment? I stayed hard, ended things and the next day she seemed over it already.
I know why she is like that and that it has nothing to do with my worth, but it’s still crazy to me and in my head I understand it, but with my heart I never will.
My marriage was full of red flags that I didn't even see until my ex did something criminal and I couldn't morally stay or support him. It's so hard on the kids (but they are resilient.).. esp when the ex tells them I ended the marriage.
You helped me a lot today. I am on my path to recovery after toxic relationship. THANK YOU
Jimmy, I stayed for 37 years for my children. I'm free now. It's a long story, but he fought with me daily, threats of poverty kept me from straying, I couldn't let my children suffer for my mistakes.
Thank you so much
I appreciate everything you teach and I’m so glad you are doing this.
You have inspired me to be more healthy I’m so glad that I’ve had your guidance.
Very practical, have considered many of your points, but you combined them together, clustered them so we can actually comprehend, and validate what we know, is right, when considering a relationship. Accountability and actions will determine and assist you, if/when you question yourself! Love your presentation style, all makes sense, yet many of us have never drawn thee conclusions. And if we did, we needed one more piece of validation! Thank you for validating this concept of setting anew standard, and seeing growth and maturity. I've been shamed for the changes, and that indicates it is time. Control, etc. you hit on all the points! Yes, we will all be okay, if we don't do the work of two people. Unapologetic standard, non-negotiables, no not at all, cuz love didn't save a relationship. Words don't dictate or trump actions! Thank you Jimmy for your pearls of wisdom! I feel so validated, I'm sending this to the person, so now I feel free and vindicated, that I am allowed to seek what I need, to feel safe, respectful. HOpe, schmope, without respectful vulnerable honesty, I've used these phrases, now I will insist he see this short 20 minute video! Thank you, for the concepts and the team! I love the I will no longer, ..... fill in the blank, how I feel love, not how he does! Distance for punishing me, wow, hit the bulls-eye! Sending prayers your way, in this beautiful ministry you are actually doing, by spreading the truth, regarding true , long term, committed relationships which can only live and survive, with vulnerability, honesty, openness, teamwork, constant communications, efforts shown in actions! Ty ty for all the wonderful ideas combined so succinctly!
They need to add a love on this icon!