At the end of mediation my soon to be ex husband stood up, looked at me and said,”but I love you” The attorneys in the office held their breath (he was violent toward me), I stood up, looked at him and said, “but you didn’t live it”. After he left, the mediator and both attorneys said they’ve seen women change their minds when hearing this and often later end up in an ER and commended me my strength. It wasn’t easy But it was right. ✨💖✨
Abusers never change! My mum was beaten almost daily when I was small....she repeatedly forgave him! He left when he d gone through her inheritance . He s been dead thirty three years. No love lost here!
AMEN. And God bless your healing and strengthening journey ahead ❤ I commend you and have strong belief your success is on the horizon to a healthy and happy and empowered YOU , which in turn breeds a healthy life with, or without, a new person and REAL life partner - much love and smiles to you 😊🏆🕊️✨
I’m in this position now. I know how good we were at the beginning and I guess I’m waiting for that to come round again but we’re both miserable at the moment. I know how it could be, but that’s not how it is.
Also, never be with someone who is with you for your potential. I wasted time with someone who saw me as a "diamond in the rough". They wanted to improve me into someone worthy of love. I kept trying to improve but the goal posts kept moving.
He wouldn't tell me how his first marriage to a woman 17 years his senior ended, only that she came to his new house, spent several nights here and there and decorated his place. Is that a red flag??? Yes, of course it is. Along with him saying he had no trauma, while also telling me, his mom burned the house, the tree and the gifts under it when he was a kid, and no, it was not an accident...or when he told me he found his mom dead...or when he cold turkey went off meds and crashed cars and lived in the woods eating mushrooms and vomiting....and his brothers had to find and drag him out...were thise warnings?? Or when he yelled at me for asking questions about his childhood, more to the point, "what's your favorite childhood memory?" "I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" we were already married at this point...13 years later, we are separated, getting a divorce. Yeah. I've known for a long time, this isn't healthy for either of us.
The biggest indicator of my "doneness" was when I stopped doing things for him that I normally would. I stopped making his lunch. Even though I'd made it everyday for more than a year, I just quit making it one day. Stopped cooking. Stopped cleaning up his messes. Stopped stressing over laundry. I do not care anymore. Zero motivation; it just disappeared. After 19 years, I'm finally taking my life back. Through therapy 2x/week, and with an amazing therapist, I'm finding my self-worth and my authentic self. His pity-party no longer works with me. At all.
Same here. No more doing the 33 things around the house, laundry and meals for him, at my cost of my sanity and physical health. Pity party - LOL, I'll remember that, cause he is pitiful and I feel sorry for him.
15 years- I waited fifteen flipping years. Poor self worth, trauma bonding, couples counselling, individual counselling- whatever I did or tried to do, was never enough. I can't have a partnership by myself, especially if I'm the only one who shows up. Don't waste as much time as me, accept that this person just can't or won't give what you need. Doesn't make them a bad person, just makes them not yours.
Nah, someone who consistently chooses not to show up for you and put in the effort is a bad person. Let's start calling it out. Handling them with kid gloves is doing no one any favors.
@@cornwallismorgan874Just because they're a bad partner, doesn't make them a bad person in general/over all. Everyone has their own person/inner issues and many aren't mentally and emotionally capable of doing the work at that time to save their relationship but them go on to change and give their next partner exactly what the ex needed. That doesn't make them a bad person, just an imperfect one like all of us. A person can't grow and change until THEY are ready to now matter how much they may want to. That doesn't make then a bad person, just not the person for you, at least not at that time. They may get to that point and be able to grow and change after they lose it all. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for them to learn the lesson and get to that place where growth is finally possible for them. That's when some couple get back together and actually end up in a healthy place. That's not the case for most but for some, ending it turns out to be exactly what was needed to get the one who wasn't really trying to a place where they're able to. Sometimes losing it all is the kick in the ass one needs to take back control over what has been holding them back.
@@cornwallismorgan874So very true!! Start labeling it for what it is. Should any validation be needed upon doing so observe the response/reaction. There’s your answer
I wish my grandmother and mother had been able to leave abuse. All it taught me was how to live in chaos and emotional distress. I’m changing this so no generation after me suffers toxic relationships
My favorite phrase he consistently makes is “love is not enough” I’ve found that it is so much easier to feel love for someone than it is to actually show it. Interesting second point to the is that most times that love feeling is so easy to confirm with physical intimacy at first but it’s also the first thing to go.
I endured so many years of abuse and my therapist finally helped me understand it. I kept crying about how he's been my best friend and partner for so long, and she finally read out the list of abuses we'd written and asked me, "is this what a best friend does?" It was a glass shatter moment for me because I could never unsee it. I needed it spelled out like that to finally break my denial.
Jimmy, I really needed to hear this right now. 37 years with a dismissive avoidant (72 y/o) which I just learned about a month ago. Had I known, I wouldn’t have hoped for 37 yrs that he would change and wasted my life. Everything you said in this video, even I’m scared, has proven many things to me of what I’ve been through and moving forward. But the wounds are deep…. I pray I find the courage and the wisdom . I love him so much that the pain is too much.
This is exactly why women initiate most divorces. Their needs aren't being met. Family, friends, society is going to blame her for doing that to him. She's called selfish, because 'he wasn't cheating on her.' Please don't listen to their message. Your needs are valid.
Interesting…. A good friend divorced her husband of 20 years for nearly same reasons you described. They stayed friends and she helped him through his dying process a year later. She said he didn’t know how to love her. He was cold. He did not show her physical or emotional intimacy and he lied about some important issues in their marriage. She said he was still in love with his first wife and I believe she was right I do believe he cared for her, but he did not know how to love her correctly.
This video perfectly explains the situation I was in half a year ago when I made the hardest decision to leave my fiancé and move alone 11k km to be just with myself and become more aware of who I am again. This time apart turned out to be exactly what we both needed to learn to take responsibility for our own well-being and understand what truly matters to us. After six months, we reconnected, started individual therapy as well as couples counseling, and we are now re-engaged, stronger than ever. Staying true to my boundaries turned out to be the greatest act of love and trust that everything will be okay in the end. Doing the right thing can seem like the worst nightmare sometimes but it will eventually lead you to what's best for you.
10 years with a man that never once tried to better himself or fix any problem. He was a selfish and entitled man child. Could have used this video about 5 years ago when things were getting really bad.
Unfortunately, if the change is temporary, and then it's back to that same loop, it is time to leave. I appreciate this is easy to say and hard to do, but I've been there and trust me it is MUCH better to be out of there. You can rebuild and be happy
I, unfortunately, stayed for 13-years in a relationship with someone I loved with all my being…and waited all that time for his “potential ability to be in an adult relationship” to show up. It never did.
And let's also not forget that sometimes it takes losing everything for the one who wasn't putting in the work to come to their senses and take back control over what was holding them back and then do the work and in time prove themselves worthy of another chance and then they get back together and it actually work out. I know it doesn't work like this in most cases but for some it does. Let us not forget about that some just need to learn lessons the very hard way and they ACTUALLY do learn.
@@mrsjuliasmith3433if they don't/can't learn with you constantly asking for your needs to be met, the chances of them having an "a-ha!" moment when you leave is negligible! JMO
I’ve been in the longest separation process ever. Haven’t left yet. Money difficulties and more. Latest painful hit. The engine on my car is gine. Working two jobs to get my exit. Now no car I’m crushed. I have a little voice in my head saying let go. Just screw it all. LET GO The fear of leaving a 22 yr relationship with a person with covert narc qualities is awful. Don’t wish this on anyone. The roller coaster of emotion is awful. Everything described in this video is correct. A person genuinely interested in fixing what’s wrong shows up differently that someone just saying the words. Take your time girls and boys and notice the difference between the two
Mine was 15 years and it was with a in-denial Borderline+covert narcissist who believed they had DID instead and refused to get diagnosed, and refused to get a job after being laid off due to covid. They didn't believe me when I said I bent over backwards to please them and demanded even more from me. I was only able to divorce with family help to live elsewhere+ moving out + 1k extra for divorce attorney fees (I forked over an intial 5k). I'm still recovering.
I finally accepted that he never gave me mixed signals, and that losing interest in me did not have to carry blame or make someone a "narcissist". I have learned: Interest is like truth, it is what it is. People do what they want to do. If he cared.. he would show it If he wanted it.. he would pursue it If he was interested, their would be no question about it. Men are solution oriented so if he not asking you ..he has come to his own solution and it doesn't include you. 😢
I now go by the following rule: Once is a mistake. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. And the minute I see one, you're out. (took me 30 years to get there!)
Thank you for your videos over the past 9month. I did not join all the dots. 36yrs of abuse, trauma and grieving for what I was "shown" I would get but it changed exactly a month after our marriage. I am past being angry with myself for letting myself down. I am done with people who have no values. And ready to be by myself, trust myself and enjoy my own company. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Far out! It is empowering.
Thank you Jimmy I had to leave in February for the better rather he left, I continue to self healing . I finally cut the umbilical cord last month I change my phone number . Now he cannot call, text. Truly thank you for your help.
Jimmy I only wish you were here 20 years ago. But I am very glad you ARE here now. I won't repeat mistakes of the past. I have learned so much over the years and you are just telling it like it is and I can't thank you enough!
Im trying to leave now, but we share a lease. However, he hasnt paid a dime towards the rent or bills. He was supposed to start looking for work once my son started Kindergarten and he hasn't even looked. I wouldnt care so much but I work and then come home and he never does more than pick up a bit. He doesnt want to clean until it becomes a problem for him. I take out the trash, I do laundry, dishes, sweep/mop, pay the bills, grocery shop, on top of being a mom to a special needs kid with a job thay barely covers the bills. He just plays games and half ass watches my son when he isnt at school so like twice a week maybe. Hell stay up all night and sleep all day, then complain that I dont want to spend time for him. Now hes right. Especially because I took your advice Jimmy and told him i wanted a boundary when we fight, no name calling. The same one you talked about in past videos, I'll walk away for a bit if name callong starts. He called me a baby and told me he didnt have tome for all my emotions right now. Days later, no apologies, but hes gone back to normal. Not knowing he has finally broken this relationship, imo, for good. My lease ends in March
Live as his roommate until then. No physical intimacy. Time to get out. I've been there to, he's using you and is not a partner, he wants a mommy and he's a child. I'm very sorry but better days are ahead for you. Don't let the man-child be an example to your child. Stop the cycle here.
This was how my partner was in the last three years of our 15 year marriage. It was awful. I didn't tell them when exactly I was leaving because they've been unpredictable before and thrown a stapler at me before and I didn't want to deal with that. When I moved in with my mom I felt like a drought stricken field suddenly getting water and nourishment from the sun. Emotionally I'd been so deprived I had been getting crumbs from my ex and grateful for them!! Just awful
@ehrenyu I totally understand what you're going through and what you went through and I wish you all the best in your healing journey because you deserve it
Jimmy your Gift to this world is your absolute understanding of People, Relationships, Love and your ability to explain it to others in such a Brilliant way. Thank You!
Thank you. I am tired of being the bigger person, but God used this to speak into my situation. My husband has left this past weekend. I am purposefully putting boundaries in on my own behaviours just in case he comes back with an apology and a willingness to work on our union. I understand the "this relationship must end". Thank you.
The dating scene is something straight out of a dystopian psychological horror. All this information, all these resources available at the swipes of a mouse and a few button clicks, and all people do with it is learn how to say new words and pretend to be healed. People approach relationships from a place of "What can I get out of this" vs "What do I have to offer to this", and just lie and fake and create completely one-sided dynamics where they just refuse to have what they say they want/are ready for. It's beyond old.
That's because learning all this information doesn't actually make you heal, now if we could get mushrooms legalized and spread education on how to use them for trauma healing, then we would truly make progress!!
@@alisiademi Right, because no one wants to do the work, which is also a big thing in this mushroom craze. It's nothing more than trying to either skip the work or fast-track something that takes years to successfully do. As a former psych nurse, I've seen people do irreparable damage to themselves with mushrooms. It's not the great, wonderful thing a lot of people seem to think it is.
@@alisiademiMy close friend I grew up with did lot's of mushrooms and LSD when we were 18-21yo. He now has permanent brain damage, schizophrenia and is on a government pension living with his mother. I can't be around him more than an hour nowadays.
Yeah i don't remember the dating scene being this bad 8 years ago the last time I was single. at this point, us women are lucky if we at the very least aren't SA'd on a date.
I met the love of my life at 40 that treats me better than I could have ever have imagined. No love bombing, no masks, just 100% vulnerability and acceptance. Take care of you, give yourself love you needed, enjoy the cats and chocolate! If you are meant to meet someone it will happen, don't have to push it, take it easy on yourself.
I have young children and a stepson. I am also religious. I cannot - for those reasons - leave. I will not introduce the chaos and pain into their lives that leaving would bring. (And I would not be the one causing that chaos, but it would still happen.) I have zero needs met - not even one. And I have struggled with resentment, but I am moving past that, and I can create a stable, kind, loving, respectful, health environment for my kids and even for my husband. I can be kind and considerate and respectful to my husband. He's like a distant cousin to me - there is a bond, there is a balance of responsibilities and duties, but there's just no emotional connection. It is what it is. But to anyone who is dating - just leave. Just leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 - shake the dust off your feet, and leave and then work on being healthy and happy.
Just ask yourself…Is the chaos of staying any better than leaving?… whether you are religious or not., staying in a dynamic like that will likely have lasting or permanent implications on your children and for yourself. Pretending to cope is not a viable strategy. They will drain you of your life force until you are a shriveled up corpse…Either by their hands, or your own through making excuses for them, excuses for yourself, or eventually getting sucked so dry you just don’t want to go on living anymore. I left my narcissistic relationship of 14 years after his physical rage almost ended my life. I didn’t believe in divorce before that time either.
Please please please read “Life Saving Divorce” by Gretchen Baskerville and “Is it Me?” By Natalie Hoffman and “Death by a Thousand Cuts” by Patrick Doyle. These resources were so helpful for me! Hugs 💗
@hopepolenica971 I am so sorry for the abuse you went through. My house isn't chaotic - there's no fighting, no rage, no tense silences. My husband is very selfish and entirely emotionally disengaged. I provide stability and I can encourage (force) things like family outings and family church time which wouldn't be possible in a divorce. More than likely, my husband would just disappear and have a carousel of relationships and hookups. It would be fine for me but awful for them.
1:03 minutes in and I was like “yep, yep exactly!” I needed this video and I’m so grateful something told you to make it and post it this week. Thank you!
This is gold. People get stuck going around in circles in their relationships without dealing with things that make them feel distant or hurt. Things will not just magically change without you addressing your issues. And if your partner is willing to work with you on this, then you will have a chance for a happy relationship.
Going through a rough time in marriage and your videos have been so so helpful! ❤ I wish you also made some more videos about the aspect of marriage when there's kids involved.
@@chayasadler8771 I don’t know your situation or anyone else’s. I only know my own experience. What I’ve learned is: Divorce IS hard and expensive. But I don’t think it’s harder or more expensive than staying in an unhealthy, unhappy situation. My child was better off with single, safe, content parents than with coupled, miserable, unsafe ones. What are we modelling for kids by staying? That “love” means putting up with abuse or loss of identity? That you don’t get to grow or stand up for your own needs just because you said “I do” at a time when you didn’t have all the information to know better? I don’t see it as a failure to end a marriage. I see it as a failure to finally know better but not do better.
My ex wife was emotionally abusive. She still denies it. It was hard leaving as we have kids but once i started seeing a counsellor and rediscovered my self worth i regretted not leaving sooner.
My current husband started showing me his dark side when we were dating. We had a discussion and went on a brief hiatus. He needed to know my boundaries and his respected them. About a year later he asked me to marry him and I said yes, is he isn’t perfect, but neither am I. The marriage so far is very good. He is loving and considerate and when he crosses a boundary, I am comfortable calling him on it. I’ve had to do that once since we’ve been married and we have not had an issue with that item again, I hope the marriage lasts the rest of my life, but if things went south he knows I will bail. I told him right up that I am a flight risk and that he needed to be aware of that. I also did a prenuptial so that things were clearly defined. We have been in this relationship for almost 3 1/2 years and it is good.
Thank you. You're really doing a good service to people like myself struggling, drowning, I needed to hear this right now when I am struggling with a long standing toxic marriage. Thank you again for helping to make it so clear for me. I am going to save this video and rewatch anytime I needed to be reminded I tried as much as humanly possible and a marriage can not survive with only one side doing the work....TY.... keep up the good videos.
I showed up Disfuntionally because Husband & step children are Using Drugs, I Will NOT Apologize but I Did leave & I Feel Peace and Safety that I haven't felt in 20 years
Last week I broke up with my avoidant girlfriend. She treated me badly for 6 months. I always worked hard for good contact and nice meetups and a lot of the time the work payed off and we had really good times together and great communication, but the second we woke up together in the morning or the second we said goodbye to each other, she always went cold, ignored my text messages, said she thinks about breaking up with me, texting other guys etc. Now one week ago I finally found the self respect to end things. What was her reaction? She cried and said she thought I would ask her to marry me next year and we would start a family in two years. It was crazy to me - she says this even though she mistreated me so badly and disrespected me every moment? I stayed hard, ended things and the next day she seemed over it already. I know why she is like that and that it has nothing to do with my worth, but it’s still crazy to me and in my head I understand it, but with my heart I never will.
Thank you so much I appreciate everything you teach and I’m so glad you are doing this. You have inspired me to be more healthy I’m so glad that I’ve had your guidance.
I bent too far , gave/ sacraficed too much, took bread crumbs and stayed way too long ... in the end the devastating horrible way he acted to my leaving confirmed every one of my fears, doubts and validated my decision with absolute clarity ( scarily sadly so) 😥 💔💯‼️
💯BEST YET❗️listen to the entire clip. Then Repeat. Sadly, 28 years in. He graciously tolerated all my inadequacies. Leave, Leave Leave. Better to be FREE and Alone. Then caged for Life.! At 50, (mentally 26) getting my first degree. Honestly. YOU CAN Too. You can do it! You’re a very kind and insightful Man Jimmy. Consider exploring this space as an educational tool within schools. Stop the Cycle. You’re relatable and engaging. 😊
My ex, only wanted a baby sitter, maid, chauffer, chef , seamstress, party planner, holiday decorator , not a wife, partner , nothing i wanted or needed EVER mattered. Roommates raising kids. I was out. Unapologetically
I held in for 20 years. I remember when he told me that if I wanted him to one day ask me how my day was or how was work that that was never going to happen. Broke my ❤️ into a million pieces. All I could think was how little asking such a question was, and still he would not do it knowing that that’s something that I wanted. 😢
Who you choose to marry is a huge deal. You don’t want to married with a child and feel more lonely than ever before because your partner actively ignores them you 100% listen to everything they demand of you without any discussion and they’ll tell you this too.
THANK YOU for making this video!! Truer words have never been spoken- and it is what I needed to hear right now. May God protect you and your family forever
This right here is why I have not tried to have a follow-up conversation with my most recent ex. Despite realizing since we split up that I had fallen for him I refuse to be in a one-sided relationship. So I keep moving forward choosing not to accept that. He's someone who means a lot to me. But, I want to mean a lot to the man I'm with too.
My marriage was full of red flags that I didn't even see until my ex did something criminal and I couldn't morally stay or support him. It's so hard on the kids (but they are resilient.).. esp when the ex tells them I ended the marriage.
I would already have left if I had health and enough money to pay for basics. Hope left years ago. My biggest dream has always been to be able to live alone.
I know I tried, and I know I could have done a better job sharing my concerns and my feelings. I could have done a better job communicating about what I needed. I didn't do that, because I was afraid of his temper. Never violent, but he was always right. I would find myself scrambling to keep the peace and back-peddling if he didn't like what I said. And then, he expressed his needs, and I had to meet them, according to his specification, or we would have another talk about the things that I had done that upset him or hurt him. Instead of taking this information and using it to improve our relationship, I took it as another moment where I failed. I was acting not to please him, but to avoid failing. And my needs were going unheard because voicing them would be another opportunity for me to upset him and start the failure process again. But even with all of this, I keep seeing how it was my fault, that I should have said something and held my ground and argued. So when I hear something like, "they didn't meet your needs because they didn't care enough" etc, I feel like I am the one who didn't care enough, even when I was silently bending over backwards to check all of his boxes and fulfill his needs.
I had to leave and divorce after an 11 year marriage. It’s constant heartbreak. When I talk about it with my support I know for sure it’s the right thing to do but it’s so hard
U are so correct I've been married for 20 years to A man.That has gaslit lit me and manipulated And has lied accountable times I'm steal between whether or not.He's cheated on me With some of my best friends, but I'm in the process of trying to get away from him.But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and as much As I love him I just don't know if it's love or if it's just comfortability.Cause I don't want comfortability.I wan't love ❤
I appreciate this. My last partner was able to fulfill the emotional safety and I felt some physical safety but what I learned was that there is a financial safety that i needed. He was living was his mom, didn't have a job, DL and car. I've always never judged for that. What I've learned was that these things are basic things to function as an adult. When the issue came up he'd find a temporary solution vs not keeping himself accountable. No matter how much I was giving, the response was i also give too. Invalidating myself. Im actually learning this as I type this. You're also right about the body not responding to the person because we don't feel safe. I decided to end it and learned that he wanted to have the dream relationship but not work on himself. If there is no growth in a relationship leads to resentment. You can't just go do great things together. Thank you again for this video.
You wanted money over all and you act like a victim. You leav e him because he can't give you more money to feel saf e? l think your karma would be meeting someone richer who doesn't want and not just can't give more money.
@hubbadouble8025 incorrect, but I appreciate your feedback. Im very fortunate to be able to sustain myself and didn't need his money. You can't expect to be in a realationship where from the beginning you have to carry a bulk of the load, financially for two, also be emotionally available, still work on self and the relationship. It's a little different if they are also working on themselves to help the relationship grow and develop instead of... oh I'm doing my part, why aren't you doing yours... neglecting all the extra work that comes in from my side. It's not the matter of the blame game, it's more of doing what's best for me. I can't show up to a relationship if I'm not giving myself the sufficient love, time and energy. I tried many methods to make it work and it didn't. It doesnt mean that we don't love each other, it just means in our current state it's not going work for me (it may work for him though).
@@hubbadouble8025that's not what they're saying! It's not about the money, it's about unfulfilled promises and a willingness to try! If your partner isn't working, but makes zero effort to do so, or even TRY to work as a team, then it's doomed to fail. He's just lazing around with absolutely no intention of working or trying to better himself. One of the most unattractive features in a person is their lack of drive. To be better, to do good (and I don't mean just monetarily). You can only carry a lazy person for so long before it's game over.
This is why I had to break up with my recent ex. She put no effort into being loving or kind to me and I took accountability for mine and HER actions to try to keep the peace. It was very sad. Didn’t want to break up with her but when she discarded me it was very obvious she had not accrued any love for me 😢
You know, 20 years ago this kind of information was NOT readily available. Most of us ended up in toxic marriages because we did not know better. The internet has revolutionized access to mental health and relationship health information! It's too bad the young dating scene is a mess because they're the first generation with access to the correct information on how to be in a healthy relationship. 🙃
I have become a mental wreck when the person that I viewed as my close friend turned into a hater who believes she can justify going below the bare minimum, a minimum that should have come natural to her. It was easy to find people who do a better job but its the trauma after detaching from that demon what keeps me messed up, anxious and emotionally limited.Whenever Id think about her, its just a feeling of being repulsed, sick in the stomach and wanting to get away from her toxic energy masked with pretending to be a sweet friend, but I cant unsee what I saw under her actions.
YES!! Sometimes it’s worse and much longer lasting. Seek a therapist who can help you see what’s going on from an objective perspective and then help you get out. Wishing you the best
My husband’s untreated ADHD has us headed towards a divorce. He has been a very affectionate, loving & good partner to me for the last 4.5yrs. But he has yet to seek help other than medication. And I just don’t have fight left in me.
Marriage is a freaking sham the women before me never warned me about. To all the ladies single never been married? Go get a pet. That pet will love you. You wont have to cook it dinner and do its laundry just to be neglected and overworked.
I am sorry you had bad experiences. I won't say mine was any better, but marriage can be a wonderful thing if two people are willing. I had someone tell me once a long time ago. Marriage takes three. God, man, and a woman! It also is a give and take. Both the husband and wife have to be willing to put in more than 50% all the time. All of us will have days where we need our partner to carry the load. The problem comes when one of the partners always expects the other to carry the load all the time. Give and take doesn't mean equal, but it does mean putting your whole self into the relationship. Some day your partner will not be in a place to give more than 50% and you will have to meet them where they are. Other days it will be you that can only do 50% and they pick up the slack.
@confusedwhynot no I'm convinceed that marriage was never created to benefit the women. It was just to entrap us for free labor. I have found most men wont even put in 50% because they feel entitled.
I always had boundries,my husband narc.he always threatened me and goes over with,by being controling.im still working at leaving him! hes mostly home,he watches my every move. But Im not giving up!
My ex boyfriend did not know how to communicate his needs. Every time I asked him to tell me if something bothers him or if he would like any change in the relationship he would tell me that everything is fine. The only time he brought something up was as a defense when I brought up an issue. This really left me feeling unheard and frustrated. He kept avoiding difficult conversations, making me feel like I am too much because I was expressing my needs and emotions, while he would rather be left alone.
It resonated with me when you said when you become more honest with yourself and aware that you may not be as kind as you could be and to start to ask for what you would like to happen could be appreciated. It’s also helpful to stop doing above and beyond what you do so you can suggest what is doable for them that is appreciated by you. Be aware when calm and consideration starts to happen …you don’t accidentally cause chaos as chaos is familiar and energetic. Use up that extra energy in a healthy way 🏊♂️⛹️♀️🏃♂️🏃♂️🚶♀️➡️🕺💃🦋🪴🏕️🛶
So apparently my husband is, by behaviors, a DA, and they are "supposed" to be catered to, my interpretation, if we want them to stay... what?! What about them taking responsibility, getting help, growing, learning?! I heard them say in a video they need time. 20 years?! It doesn't matter what the label is, it's about the behaviors. Learning what I NEED. The first thought I had was I don't "NEED" anything from him. I'm supposed to look to God for ALL my NEEDS... he says I work, provide.
At the end of mediation my soon to be ex husband stood up, looked at me and said,”but I love you”
The attorneys in the office held their breath (he was violent toward me), I stood up, looked at him and said, “but you didn’t live it”.
After he left, the mediator and both attorneys said they’ve seen women change their minds when hearing this and often later end up in an ER and commended me my strength.
It wasn’t easy
But it was right.
✨💖✨
Abusers never change! My mum was beaten almost daily when I was small....she repeatedly forgave him! He left when he d gone through her inheritance . He s been dead thirty three years. No love lost here!
Wow❤ you did great
I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Well done, such strength
AMEN. And God bless your healing and strengthening journey ahead ❤ I commend you and have strong belief your success is on the horizon to a healthy and happy and empowered YOU , which in turn breeds a healthy life with, or without, a new person and REAL life partner - much love and smiles to you 😊🏆🕊️✨
Never date for potential. Also only believe actions. People will say anything to get what they want from you. Actions speak louder than words.
amen
Ya not always. Have a guy who shows how he's so there but his words say something totally different. I'll let his no mean no and move on. His loss.
I’m in this position now. I know how good we were at the beginning and I guess I’m waiting for that to come round again but we’re both miserable at the moment. I know how it could be, but that’s not how it is.
Also, never be with someone who is with you for your potential. I wasted time with someone who saw me as a "diamond in the rough". They wanted to improve me into someone worthy of love. I kept trying to improve but the goal posts kept moving.
"When they show you who they are, believe them the first time." Some of the wisest words ever spoken.
Another one I like:
"Stop running after unavailable people."
He didn't mention it in this video explicitly, but that's the gist of it 😊
"my parents divorced when i was very young, so i have issues"
I should have believed him right from the start
He wouldn't tell me how his first marriage to a woman 17 years his senior ended, only that she came to his new house, spent several nights here and there and decorated his place.
Is that a red flag???
Yes, of course it is. Along with him saying he had no trauma, while also telling me, his mom burned the house, the tree and the gifts under it when he was a kid, and no, it was not an accident...or when he told me he found his mom dead...or when he cold turkey went off meds and crashed cars and lived in the woods eating mushrooms and vomiting....and his brothers had to find and drag him out...were thise warnings??
Or when he yelled at me for asking questions about his childhood, more to the point, "what's your favorite childhood memory?"
"I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"
we were already married at this point...13 years later, we are separated, getting a divorce.
Yeah. I've known for a long time, this isn't healthy for either of us.
When you learn that you are the only one trying to make it work, you have your answer.
True. This one is true.
💯💯💯💯💯💯
Exactly 🙌🏻
I use to keep telling him he acts like I'm not his person. Finally realized he's not MY person.
Wowwwwwwww 🤯
Wow amazing 🙌 well said!
I kept asking him to stop belittling me and treating me like his child. He'd talk to me like he was my father. We are the same age.
Whewwwwww this
The biggest indicator of my "doneness" was when I stopped doing things for him that I normally would. I stopped making his lunch. Even though I'd made it everyday for more than a year, I just quit making it one day. Stopped cooking. Stopped cleaning up his messes. Stopped stressing over laundry. I do not care anymore. Zero motivation; it just disappeared.
After 19 years, I'm finally taking my life back. Through therapy 2x/week, and with an amazing therapist, I'm finding my self-worth and my authentic self.
His pity-party no longer works with me. At all.
It's like your tank runs empty, so you just give up. The disrespect and frustration takes a toll. Then they discard you.
Felt that, I've stopped putting away his laundry and I've stopped cooking extravagant meals. You give me hope that I'll make it through too.
Same here. No more doing the 33 things around the house, laundry and meals for him, at my cost of my sanity and physical health. Pity party - LOL, I'll remember that, cause he is pitiful and I feel sorry for him.
Sooo relatable!! I've found the most healing from mushroom trips!!
BRAVO ❤🎉
15 years- I waited fifteen flipping years. Poor self worth, trauma bonding, couples counselling, individual counselling- whatever I did or tried to do, was never enough.
I can't have a partnership by myself, especially if I'm the only one who shows up.
Don't waste as much time as me, accept that this person just can't or won't give what you need. Doesn't make them a bad person, just makes them not yours.
Nah, someone who consistently chooses not to show up for you and put in the effort is a bad person. Let's start calling it out. Handling them with kid gloves is doing no one any favors.
@@cornwallismorgan874Just because they're a bad partner, doesn't make them a bad person in general/over all. Everyone has their own person/inner issues and many aren't mentally and emotionally capable of doing the work at that time to save their relationship but them go on to change and give their next partner exactly what the ex needed. That doesn't make them a bad person, just an imperfect one like all of us. A person can't grow and change until THEY are ready to now matter how much they may want to. That doesn't make then a bad person, just not the person for you, at least not at that time. They may get to that point and be able to grow and change after they lose it all. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for them to learn the lesson and get to that place where growth is finally possible for them. That's when some couple get back together and actually end up in a healthy place. That's not the case for most but for some, ending it turns out to be exactly what was needed to get the one who wasn't really trying to a place where they're able to. Sometimes losing it all is the kick in the ass one needs to take back control over what has been holding them back.
@@cornwallismorgan874So very true!! Start labeling it for what it is.
Should any validation be needed upon doing so observe the response/reaction. There’s your answer
@@cornwallismorgan874 🫂❤️
@ryanfennewald5661 thank youuu 🫂
I wish my grandmother and mother had been able to leave abuse. All it taught me was how to live in chaos and emotional distress. I’m changing this so no generation after me suffers toxic relationships
My favorite phrase he consistently makes is “love is not enough”
I’ve found that it is so much easier to feel love for someone than it is to actually show it.
Interesting second point to the is that most times that love feeling is so easy to confirm with physical intimacy at first but it’s also the first thing to go.
Love is a verb
For me it's incredibly easy to show love.
I endured so many years of abuse and my therapist finally helped me understand it. I kept crying about how he's been my best friend and partner for so long, and she finally read out the list of abuses we'd written and asked me, "is this what a best friend does?" It was a glass shatter moment for me because I could never unsee it. I needed it spelled out like that to finally break my denial.
Jimmy, I really needed to hear this right now. 37 years with a dismissive avoidant (72 y/o) which I just learned about a month ago. Had I known, I wouldn’t have hoped for 37 yrs that he would change and wasted my life. Everything you said in this video, even I’m scared, has proven many things to me of what I’ve been through and moving forward. But the wounds are deep…. I pray I find the courage and the wisdom . I love him so much that the pain is too much.
you can do this. i wish you the best.❤️
I feel you and in a similar situation. I'm 28 years with a dismissive avoidant. Either neglected or rejected and I'm tired and unfulfilled.
I misread it. I thought you mean you are 37 year old and is in a relationship with a 72 year old. I was losing my balls over this
Yup, I am cool with being in a relationship with just myself
This is exactly why women initiate most divorces. Their needs aren't being met. Family, friends, society is going to blame her for doing that to him. She's called selfish, because 'he wasn't cheating on her.'
Please don't listen to their message. Your needs are valid.
Interesting…. A good friend divorced her husband of 20 years for nearly same reasons you described. They stayed friends and she helped him through his dying process a year later. She said he didn’t know how to love her. He was cold. He did not show her physical or emotional intimacy and he lied about some important issues in their marriage. She said he was still in love with his first wife and I believe she was right I do believe he cared for her, but he did not know how to love her correctly.
Love is an action and choice. No effort no triumph. Takes two.
This video perfectly explains the situation I was in half a year ago when I made the hardest decision to leave my fiancé and move alone 11k km to be just with myself and become more aware of who I am again. This time apart turned out to be exactly what we both needed to learn to take responsibility for our own well-being and understand what truly matters to us. After six months, we reconnected, started individual therapy as well as couples counseling, and we are now re-engaged, stronger than ever. Staying true to my boundaries turned out to be the greatest act of love and trust that everything will be okay in the end.
Doing the right thing can seem like the worst nightmare sometimes but it will eventually lead you to what's best for you.
10 years with a man that never once tried to better himself or fix any problem. He was a selfish and entitled man child. Could have used this video about 5 years ago when things were getting really bad.
The thing is, when it’s discussed, it lasts only so long then it’s back to same old same old. I just want to give up. It’s an endless cycle.
Absolutely correct. A toxic Loop that is Soul stealing and painful beyond words.😢
Unfortunately, if the change is temporary, and then it's back to that same loop, it is time to leave. I appreciate this is easy to say and hard to do, but I've been there and trust me it is MUCH better to be out of there. You can rebuild and be happy
I, unfortunately, stayed for 13-years in a relationship with someone I loved with all my being…and waited all that time for his “potential ability to be in an adult relationship” to show up. It never did.
Same here. In the end i was a living corpse, isolated from everyone
Thank you for validating how if both people aren’t willing to put in the work, the relationship wont survive! ❤
And let's also not forget that sometimes it takes losing everything for the one who wasn't putting in the work to come to their senses and take back control over what was holding them back and then do the work and in time prove themselves worthy of another chance and then they get back together and it actually work out. I know it doesn't work like this in most cases but for some it does. Let us not forget about that some just need to learn lessons the very hard way and they ACTUALLY do learn.
@@mrsjuliasmith3433if they don't/can't learn with you constantly asking for your needs to be met, the chances of them having an "a-ha!" moment when you leave is negligible! JMO
My men would say 'but I love you', and I would say 'How am I experiencing that love, exactly? Because I'm receiving nothing.'
I will have to write this down. Such a good response. Also such a good reminder to myself.
I love this reply. I wish I could go back in time and ask my husband that question.
This is true for ALL... close relationships... Friendships too.... absolutely.
I’ve been in the longest separation process ever. Haven’t left yet. Money difficulties and more. Latest painful hit. The engine on my car is gine. Working two jobs to get my exit. Now no car I’m crushed. I have a little voice in my head saying let go. Just screw it all.
LET GO
The fear of leaving a 22 yr relationship with a person with covert narc qualities is awful. Don’t wish this on anyone. The roller coaster of emotion is awful. Everything described in this video is correct. A person genuinely interested in fixing what’s wrong shows up differently that someone just saying the words. Take your time girls and boys and notice the difference between the two
Mine was 15 years and it was with a in-denial Borderline+covert narcissist who believed they had DID instead and refused to get diagnosed, and refused to get a job after being laid off due to covid. They didn't believe me when I said I bent over backwards to please them and demanded even more from me. I was only able to divorce with family help to live elsewhere+ moving out + 1k extra for divorce attorney fees (I forked over an intial 5k). I'm still recovering.
I had to give up on the idea of potential, three and a half years later. Now, I'm left to process trauma.
sending hugs
Wishing you the very best. We're in the same boat.
Dealing still with it - 7 years in.
I'm very sorry.
I hoped for 55 years for "potential". I was, unfortunately, a fool. 😔
same boat 😢
This video made me cry...every single word spoke to me. This relationship isn't working
I finally accepted that he never gave me mixed signals, and that losing interest in me did not have to carry blame or make someone a "narcissist". I have learned:
Interest is like truth, it is what it is.
People do what they want to do.
If he cared.. he would show it
If he wanted it.. he would pursue it
If he was interested, their would be no question about it.
Men are solution oriented so if he not asking you ..he has come to his own solution and it doesn't include you. 😢
I now go by the following rule: Once is a mistake. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. And the minute I see one, you're out. (took me 30 years to get there!)
I'm so happy that people like this person exist, at all. It's the only thing that gives me hope.
I already knew it. It’s nice being validated.
Thank you for your videos over the past 9month. I did not join all the dots. 36yrs of abuse, trauma and grieving for what I was "shown" I would get but it changed exactly a month after our marriage. I am past being angry with myself for letting myself down.
I am done with people who have no values. And ready to be by myself, trust myself and enjoy my own company. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Far out! It is empowering.
Thank you Jimmy I had to leave in February for the better rather he left, I continue to self healing . I finally cut the umbilical cord last month I change my phone number . Now he cannot call, text. Truly thank you for your help.
This episode is pure GOLD. THE BEST ONE YET
Just leave when they lash out at you, when they blame others or get angry at you easily. When they are inconsistent and selfish.
If that was true no one was in a relationship.
Jimmy I only wish you were here 20 years ago. But I am very glad you ARE here now. I won't repeat mistakes of the past. I have learned so much over the years and you are just telling it like it is and I can't thank you enough!
Im trying to leave now, but we share a lease. However, he hasnt paid a dime towards the rent or bills. He was supposed to start looking for work once my son started Kindergarten and he hasn't even looked. I wouldnt care so much but I work and then come home and he never does more than pick up a bit. He doesnt want to clean until it becomes a problem for him. I take out the trash, I do laundry, dishes, sweep/mop, pay the bills, grocery shop, on top of being a mom to a special needs kid with a job thay barely covers the bills. He just plays games and half ass watches my son when he isnt at school so like twice a week maybe. Hell stay up all night and sleep all day, then complain that I dont want to spend time for him. Now hes right. Especially because I took your advice Jimmy and told him i wanted a boundary when we fight, no name calling. The same one you talked about in past videos, I'll walk away for a bit if name callong starts. He called me a baby and told me he didnt have tome for all my emotions right now. Days later, no apologies, but hes gone back to normal. Not knowing he has finally broken this relationship, imo, for good. My lease ends in March
Live as his roommate until then. No physical intimacy. Time to get out. I've been there to, he's using you and is not a partner, he wants a mommy and he's a child. I'm very sorry but better days are ahead for you.
Don't let the man-child be an example to your child. Stop the cycle here.
Plan a secret leave already. Guys spoiled that far are unpredictable, imo. I don't want to scare you, just support you to be attentive.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo This! Don't tell him it's over until you do not renew the lease together.
This was how my partner was in the last three years of our 15 year marriage. It was awful. I didn't tell them when exactly I was leaving because they've been unpredictable before and thrown a stapler at me before and I didn't want to deal with that.
When I moved in with my mom I felt like a drought stricken field suddenly getting water and nourishment from the sun. Emotionally I'd been so deprived I had been getting crumbs from my ex and grateful for them!! Just awful
@ehrenyu I totally understand what you're going through and what you went through and I wish you all the best in your healing journey because you deserve it
Jimmy your Gift to this world is your absolute understanding of People, Relationships, Love and your ability to explain it to others in such a Brilliant way. Thank You!
I was nodding through the whole thing. Thank you.
Thank you. I am tired of being the bigger person, but God used this to speak into my situation. My husband has left this past weekend. I am purposefully putting boundaries in on my own behaviours just in case he comes back with an apology and a willingness to work on our union. I understand the "this relationship must end". Thank you.
The dating scene is something straight out of a dystopian psychological horror. All this information, all these resources available at the swipes of a mouse and a few button clicks, and all people do with it is learn how to say new words and pretend to be healed. People approach relationships from a place of "What can I get out of this" vs "What do I have to offer to this", and just lie and fake and create completely one-sided dynamics where they just refuse to have what they say they want/are ready for. It's beyond old.
That's because learning all this information doesn't actually make you heal, now if we could get mushrooms legalized and spread education on how to use them for trauma healing, then we would truly make progress!!
@@alisiademi Right, because no one wants to do the work, which is also a big thing in this mushroom craze. It's nothing more than trying to either skip the work or fast-track something that takes years to successfully do. As a former psych nurse, I've seen people do irreparable damage to themselves with mushrooms. It's not the great, wonderful thing a lot of people seem to think it is.
@@alisiademiMy close friend I grew up with did lot's of mushrooms and LSD when we were 18-21yo. He now has permanent brain damage, schizophrenia and is on a government pension living with his mother. I can't be around him more than an hour nowadays.
Yeah i don't remember the dating scene being this bad 8 years ago the last time I was single. at this point, us women are lucky if we at the very least aren't SA'd on a date.
Well said
Im 40 and single.. ive just activated my cat and hot chocolate subscription 😅
I met the love of my life at 40 that treats me better than I could have ever have imagined. No love bombing, no masks, just 100% vulnerability and acceptance. Take care of you, give yourself love you needed, enjoy the cats and chocolate! If you are meant to meet someone it will happen, don't have to push it, take it easy on yourself.
@og8425 I appreciate that 💜 thank you for your comment and compassion. 😊
I have young children and a stepson. I am also religious. I cannot - for those reasons - leave. I will not introduce the chaos and pain into their lives that leaving would bring. (And I would not be the one causing that chaos, but it would still happen.) I have zero needs met - not even one. And I have struggled with resentment, but I am moving past that, and I can create a stable, kind, loving, respectful, health environment for my kids and even for my husband. I can be kind and considerate and respectful to my husband. He's like a distant cousin to me - there is a bond, there is a balance of responsibilities and duties, but there's just no emotional connection. It is what it is.
But to anyone who is dating - just leave. Just leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 - shake the dust off your feet, and leave and then work on being healthy and happy.
Just ask yourself…Is the chaos of staying any better than leaving?…
whether you are religious or not., staying in a dynamic like that will likely have lasting or permanent implications on your children and for yourself. Pretending to cope is not a viable strategy. They will drain you of your life force until you are a shriveled up corpse…Either by their hands, or your own through making excuses for them, excuses for yourself, or eventually getting sucked so dry you just don’t want to go on living anymore.
I left my narcissistic relationship of 14 years after his physical rage almost ended my life. I didn’t believe in divorce before that time either.
Please please please read “Life Saving Divorce” by Gretchen Baskerville and “Is it Me?” By Natalie Hoffman and “Death by a Thousand Cuts” by Patrick Doyle. These resources were so helpful for me! Hugs 💗
I was in a similar situation. Praying for wisdom.
Please leave. ❤ If its not for yourself, then do it for your kids. Think about, what you are teaching them what a healthy relationship looks like.
@hopepolenica971 I am so sorry for the abuse you went through. My house isn't chaotic - there's no fighting, no rage, no tense silences. My husband is very selfish and entirely emotionally disengaged. I provide stability and I can encourage (force) things like family outings and family church time which wouldn't be possible in a divorce. More than likely, my husband would just disappear and have a carousel of relationships and hookups. It would be fine for me but awful for them.
1:03 minutes in and I was like “yep, yep exactly!” I needed this video and I’m so grateful something told you to make it and post it this week. Thank you!
SAME!
This is gold. People get stuck going around in circles in their relationships without dealing with things that make them feel distant or hurt. Things will not just magically change without you addressing your issues. And if your partner is willing to work with you on this, then you will have a chance for a happy relationship.
Going through a rough time in marriage and your videos have been so so helpful! ❤ I wish you also made some more videos about the aspect of marriage when there's kids involved.
Me too! I hear everyone saying divorce is hard and expensive but can't live in a painful marriage fearing that
Yes!
@@chayasadler8771 I don’t know your situation or anyone else’s. I only know my own experience. What I’ve learned is: Divorce IS hard and expensive. But I don’t think it’s harder or more expensive than staying in an unhealthy, unhappy situation. My child was better off with single, safe, content parents than with coupled, miserable, unsafe ones. What are we modelling for kids by staying? That “love” means putting up with abuse or loss of identity? That you don’t get to grow or stand up for your own needs just because you said “I do” at a time when you didn’t have all the information to know better? I don’t see it as a failure to end a marriage. I see it as a failure to finally know better but not do better.
@AThirstyPhilosopher thank you for saying this. I am very lost with 6 year old kid... living in fear and worried
My ex wife was emotionally abusive. She still denies it. It was hard leaving as we have kids but once i started seeing a counsellor and rediscovered my self worth i regretted not leaving sooner.
He was to me and denied it to point where I ended up reactively abusive. Don’t stay until they destroy you.
A lot of this is true for any type of relationship... friends too!
Jimmy thank you. This had me weeping its heartbreaking to do everything you know how and then some and never have it be reciprocated. Pray for me
My current husband started showing me his dark side when we were dating. We had a discussion and went on a brief hiatus. He needed to know my boundaries and his respected them. About a year later he asked me to marry him and I said yes, is he isn’t perfect, but neither am I. The marriage so far is very good. He is loving and considerate and when he crosses a boundary, I am comfortable calling him on it. I’ve had to do that once since we’ve been married and we have not had an issue with that item again, I hope the marriage lasts the rest of my life, but if things went south he knows I will bail. I told him right up that I am a flight risk and that he needed to be aware of that. I also did a prenuptial so that things were clearly defined. We have been in this relationship for almost 3 1/2 years and it is good.
Thank you for putting this video up today -- I'm at a crossroads in my marriage, and this perfectly describes how I feel and what I need to do.
Thank you. You're really doing a good service to people like myself struggling, drowning, I needed to hear this right now when I am struggling with a long standing toxic marriage. Thank you again for helping to make it so clear for me. I am going to save this video and rewatch anytime I needed to be reminded I tried as much as humanly possible and a marriage can not survive with only one side doing the work....TY.... keep up the good videos.
I showed up Disfuntionally because Husband & step children are Using Drugs, I Will NOT Apologize but I Did leave & I Feel Peace and Safety that I haven't felt in 20 years
Last week I broke up with my avoidant girlfriend. She treated me badly for 6 months. I always worked hard for good contact and nice meetups and a lot of the time the work payed off and we had really good times together and great communication, but the second we woke up together in the morning or the second we said goodbye to each other, she always went cold, ignored my text messages, said she thinks about breaking up with me, texting other guys etc. Now one week ago I finally found the self respect to end things. What was her reaction? She cried and said she thought I would ask her to marry me next year and we would start a family in two years. It was crazy to me - she says this even though she mistreated me so badly and disrespected me every moment? I stayed hard, ended things and the next day she seemed over it already.
I know why she is like that and that it has nothing to do with my worth, but it’s still crazy to me and in my head I understand it, but with my heart I never will.
Powerful words, thank you! I am on the way to find out if my marriage is going to end or not.
Thank you so much
I appreciate everything you teach and I’m so glad you are doing this.
You have inspired me to be more healthy I’m so glad that I’ve had your guidance.
You helped me a lot today. I am on my path to recovery after toxic relationship. THANK YOU
I bent too far , gave/ sacraficed too much, took bread crumbs and stayed way too long ... in the end the devastating horrible way he acted to my leaving confirmed every one of my fears, doubts and validated my decision with absolute clarity ( scarily sadly so) 😥 💔💯‼️
Can you pleaseeee make a video about your plants?! Your birds of paradise is blooming? It looks sooo pretty. 😊
Yes! That!❤
💯BEST YET❗️listen to the entire clip. Then Repeat. Sadly, 28 years in. He graciously tolerated all my inadequacies. Leave, Leave Leave. Better to be FREE and Alone. Then caged for Life.! At 50, (mentally 26) getting my first degree. Honestly. YOU CAN Too. You can do it!
You’re a very kind and insightful Man Jimmy. Consider exploring this space as an educational tool within schools. Stop the Cycle. You’re relatable and engaging. 😊
My ex, only wanted a baby sitter, maid, chauffer, chef , seamstress, party planner, holiday decorator , not a wife, partner , nothing i wanted or needed EVER mattered.
Roommates raising kids. I was out. Unapologetically
OMG, thank you. So easy to start second guessing when you've made the decision.
I held in for 20 years. I remember when he told me that if I wanted him to one day ask me how my day was or how was work that that was never going to happen. Broke my ❤️ into a million pieces. All I could think was how little asking such a question was, and still he would not do it knowing that that’s something that I wanted. 😢
Thank you so much for putting words to my feelings. I appreciate you and what you do. ❤
I used to do interiorscape plants. Potted plants in offices.
You helped me. Thanks dude, thank you so much for your wisdom.
Who you choose to marry is a huge deal. You don’t want to married with a child and feel more lonely than ever before because your partner actively ignores them you 100% listen to everything they demand of you without any discussion and they’ll tell you this too.
THANK YOU for making this video!! Truer words have never been spoken- and it is what I needed to hear right now. May God protect you and your family forever
Thank you for your Insights, Jimmy. I don't have much to say except for this has been very helpful.
Keep up the great work with your content.
This right here is why I have not tried to have a follow-up conversation with my most recent ex. Despite realizing since we split up that I had fallen for him I refuse to be in a one-sided relationship. So I keep moving forward choosing not to accept that. He's someone who means a lot to me. But, I want to mean a lot to the man I'm with too.
My marriage was full of red flags that I didn't even see until my ex did something criminal and I couldn't morally stay or support him. It's so hard on the kids (but they are resilient.).. esp when the ex tells them I ended the marriage.
I would already have left if I had health and enough money to pay for basics. Hope left years ago.
My biggest dream has always been to be able to live alone.
❤
💖💖🫂
Do you family/friends you can live with? Women's shelter?
@TullyFCircus No family left and no friends that have space. In Canada, women's shelter are only for people that are abused or in danger.
I left and we still lived together for over a year after. This is an excuse.
I didn't leave not because I had hope for the relationship, but because I had no hope for surviving without it.
I know I tried, and I know I could have done a better job sharing my concerns and my feelings. I could have done a better job communicating about what I needed. I didn't do that, because I was afraid of his temper. Never violent, but he was always right. I would find myself scrambling to keep the peace and back-peddling if he didn't like what I said. And then, he expressed his needs, and I had to meet them, according to his specification, or we would have another talk about the things that I had done that upset him or hurt him. Instead of taking this information and using it to improve our relationship, I took it as another moment where I failed. I was acting not to please him, but to avoid failing. And my needs were going unheard because voicing them would be another opportunity for me to upset him and start the failure process again. But even with all of this, I keep seeing how it was my fault, that I should have said something and held my ground and argued. So when I hear something like, "they didn't meet your needs because they didn't care enough" etc, I feel like I am the one who didn't care enough, even when I was silently bending over backwards to check all of his boxes and fulfill his needs.
I hope you're out of that nightmare now? It sounds awful.
I had to leave and divorce after an 11 year marriage. It’s constant heartbreak. When I talk about it with my support I know for sure it’s the right thing to do but it’s so hard
U are so correct I've been married for 20 years to A man.That has gaslit lit me and manipulated And has lied accountable times I'm steal between whether or not.He's cheated on me With some of my best friends, but I'm in the process of trying to get away from him.But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and as much As I love him I just don't know if it's love or if it's just comfortability.Cause I don't want comfortability.I wan't love ❤
If he's treating you badly then you know the answer! Its just hard to accept things are over.
Sounds like you deserve way better to me.
I appreciate this. My last partner was able to fulfill the emotional safety and I felt some physical safety but what I learned was that there is a financial safety that i needed. He was living was his mom, didn't have a job, DL and car. I've always never judged for that. What I've learned was that these things are basic things to function as an adult. When the issue came up he'd find a temporary solution vs not keeping himself accountable. No matter how much I was giving, the response was i also give too. Invalidating myself. Im actually learning this as I type this.
You're also right about the body not responding to the person because we don't feel safe. I decided to end it and learned that he wanted to have the dream relationship but not work on himself. If there is no growth in a relationship leads to resentment. You can't just go do great things together. Thank you again for this video.
You wanted money over all and you act like a victim. You leav e him because he can't give you more money to feel saf e? l think your karma would be meeting someone richer who doesn't want and not just can't give more money.
@hubbadouble8025 incorrect, but I appreciate your feedback. Im very fortunate to be able to sustain myself and didn't need his money. You can't expect to be in a realationship where from the beginning you have to carry a bulk of the load, financially for two, also be emotionally available, still work on self and the relationship. It's a little different if they are also working on themselves to help the relationship grow and develop instead of... oh I'm doing my part, why aren't you doing yours... neglecting all the extra work that comes in from my side. It's not the matter of the blame game, it's more of doing what's best for me. I can't show up to a relationship if I'm not giving myself the sufficient love, time and energy. I tried many methods to make it work and it didn't. It doesnt mean that we don't love each other, it just means in our current state it's not going work for me (it may work for him though).
@@hubbadouble8025that's not what they're saying! It's not about the money, it's about unfulfilled promises and a willingness to try!
If your partner isn't working, but makes zero effort to do so, or even TRY to work as a team, then it's doomed to fail. He's just lazing around with absolutely no intention of working or trying to better himself.
One of the most unattractive features in a person is their lack of drive. To be better, to do good (and I don't mean just monetarily). You can only carry a lazy person for so long before it's game over.
This is why I had to break up with my recent ex. She put no effort into being loving or kind to me and I took accountability for mine and HER actions to try to keep the peace. It was very sad. Didn’t want to break up with her but when she discarded me it was very obvious she had not accrued any love for me 😢
You know, 20 years ago this kind of information was NOT readily available. Most of us ended up in toxic marriages because we did not know better. The internet has revolutionized access to mental health and relationship health information! It's too bad the young dating scene is a mess because they're the first generation with access to the correct information on how to be in a healthy relationship. 🙃
I need this right now.
I have become a mental wreck when the person that I viewed as my close friend turned into a hater who believes she can justify going below the bare minimum, a minimum that should have come natural to her. It was easy to find people who do a better job but its the trauma after detaching from that demon what keeps me messed up, anxious and emotionally limited.Whenever Id think about her, its just a feeling of being repulsed, sick in the stomach and wanting to get away from her toxic energy masked with pretending to be a sweet friend, but I cant unsee what I saw under her actions.
Ive been alone on my own ever since 1997. Happily uncoupled❤😂 love being with my dogs😊
I so needed this today!
Thank you so much. That was so clear and concise and helped me very much.
Does mental and emotional abuse count as the situation where you need to leave and "get safe"?
Yes!!!
YES!! Sometimes it’s worse and much longer lasting. Seek a therapist who can help you see what’s going on from an objective perspective and then help you get out. Wishing you the best
thank you SO much.
edit: & thank you for delivering this with such grace & kindness. truly appreciated.
My husband’s untreated ADHD has us headed towards a divorce. He has been a very affectionate, loving & good partner to me for the last 4.5yrs. But he has yet to seek help other than medication. And I just don’t have fight left in me.
Ok I'll watch this, but I wish it were a short & you were wearing a wig! Luv those doc--u dramas♥️
Incredibly amazing video Jimmy!! Thank you!!
Marriage is a freaking sham the women before me never warned me about. To all the ladies single never been married? Go get a pet. That pet will love you. You wont have to cook it dinner and do its laundry just to be neglected and overworked.
I am sorry you had bad experiences. I won't say mine was any better, but marriage can be a wonderful thing if two people are willing. I had someone tell me once a long time ago. Marriage takes three. God, man, and a woman! It also is a give and take. Both the husband and wife have to be willing to put in more than 50% all the time. All of us will have days where we need our partner to carry the load. The problem comes when one of the partners always expects the other to carry the load all the time. Give and take doesn't mean equal, but it does mean putting your whole self into the relationship. Some day your partner will not be in a place to give more than 50% and you will have to meet them where they are. Other days it will be you that can only do 50% and they pick up the slack.
@confusedwhynot no I'm convinceed that marriage was never created to benefit the women. It was just to entrap us for free labor. I have found most men wont even put in 50% because they feel entitled.
I wouldn't do either of those things anyway without them being reciprocated.
Is anyone honestly living in this type of healthy dynamic? I would like to hear some positive examples to keep the faith if they’re out there 💕
I always had boundries,my husband narc.he always threatened me and goes over with,by being controling.im still working at leaving him! hes mostly home,he watches my every move. But Im not giving up!
Thank you 🙏 your relationship information is real and presented in a way that is relatable!
How is this just always so onPoint and familiar and exactly what has happened
God man you're hitting the nail on the head
My ex boyfriend did not know how to communicate his needs. Every time I asked him to tell me if something bothers him or if he would like any change in the relationship he would tell me that everything is fine. The only time he brought something up was as a defense when I brought up an issue. This really left me feeling unheard and frustrated. He kept avoiding difficult conversations, making me feel like I am too much because I was expressing my needs and emotions, while he would rather be left alone.
I needed to hear this
It resonated with me when you said when you become more honest with yourself and aware that you may not be as kind as you could be and to start to ask for what you would like to happen could be appreciated. It’s also helpful to stop doing above and beyond what you do so you can suggest what is doable for them that is appreciated by you. Be aware when calm and consideration starts to happen …you don’t accidentally cause chaos as chaos is familiar and energetic. Use up that extra energy in a healthy way 🏊♂️⛹️♀️🏃♂️🏃♂️🚶♀️➡️🕺💃🦋🪴🏕️🛶
Very good video. Thank you!
Yes yes yes yes yes. Jimmy you are always spot on, thank you
So apparently my husband is, by behaviors, a DA, and they are "supposed" to be catered to, my interpretation, if we want them to stay... what?! What about them taking responsibility, getting help, growing, learning?! I heard them say in a video they need time. 20 years?! It doesn't matter what the label is, it's about the behaviors. Learning what I NEED. The first thought I had was I don't "NEED" anything from him. I'm supposed to look to God for ALL my NEEDS... he says I work, provide.
What is DA
@@sharicoburn5475dismissive avoidant
Hallelujah! Thank you Jimmy, thank you. 🍀
I think I'm too tired to try again. 😩 I'm just so exhausted.
I needed this so bad. Thank you.