They’ve Pulled Away?? AVOID THIS MISTAKE
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 พ.ค. 2024
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Have you ever deeply fallen for someone only to feel them gradually fading away?
It feels awful.
You panic. You overthink every text message. You worry that losing this person could mean losing your chance at a real connection, or your dream of a relationship with someone truly special.
I’ve found there are 3 common mistakes people make when they get into this panic mindset, and in today’s new video, I’ll show you the best strategy to give yourself the maximum chance of salvaging the relationship (or help you move on to find the RIGHT person for you).
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:40 - Why Did They Pull Away?
0:40 - 2:26 - A Case Study
2:26 - 4:09 - #1 We Overvalue Something in the Situation
4:09 - 7:15 - #2 We Begin to Give Way Too Much
7:15 - 10:09 - #3 We Try to Exert Control in the Wrong Way
10:09 - 11:22 - What to Do Next Time
11:22 - 13:38 - Reversing the Pattern
Best advice is to walk away. Anyone who is consistently pulling away from you is no longer interested. Plain and simple. Move on, live your life, save yourself the heartache
Not true. I know men from abusive relationships who’s trust has been destroyed by their narcissistic cheating ex.
Takes a lot to muster the courage to trust a woman with your heart again after going through all that.
Men want to be sure it’s real.
Women can lie exceptionally well these days about really loving you.
@@sirperduwyn lol, like men don't lie!
@@nightskylights4501 both ways surely. I with you there. Just saying
@@sirperduwyn but honestly, a man that is like that is not relationship material until he sees that he has trust issues, no other woman can solve this for him. So best advice is to walk away
@@sirperduwyn That's trauma and is essential your friend word on that on their own. In the meantime I'm not therapist not habe the time/energy nor the responsibility to help you heal. I'm walking away
I’ve found so much freedom in letting people go when they are making it clear they are not interested. I no longer go through the “what’s wrong with me?” “What did I do wrong?” “I’ll never find love” “how do I win back their attention?”
I know I’m good enough and I only want a person that believes that! If someone makes me at all feel like I’m not enough, I’m happy to move on while my self-esteem and self-worth is still intact.
Am going through this, feel like crap tbh😢
Feel unwanted
Goin through this. Feel like shit. Friends are telling me never to give anyone power to make me feel like shit.
Well said ❤
Exactly. It's hard to explain, but through experience & conditioning I have learned that I am enough because I KNOW I can attract quality people. I've done it before. The proof is in the pudding. Have a Confidence couched in competence & wisdom, not just hiding behind empty platitudes
Dating is so tough these days, there’s way too many options for everyone. And most of them take on those options instead of getting to know one person.😢🤷♀️
Not sure I understand what you are saying? What do you mean by "too many options"? When you meet someone... take a little time to know them... talk to them... get their vibe... then decide, Do I want to dance with this person or not? would like to hear your response... let's talk here. Mitch
@@got2flynow meaning people hop from one person to another, instead of getting to know one person at a time, especially if the date went well, too many options of too many people out there on the Internet, on the dating sites and everyone is looking for the perfect person, thinking they can continue to get someone better instead of giving one person a chance
@@angeladowler7523 If a person is THAT shallow that they can't take a few days or weeks to get to know you... then you are likely better off without them. THEY did YOU a favor!!
But, it's NOT about meeting the right person... it's about BEING the right person... A person that YOU like. I heard someone say once... Would you want to date you? When you can answer that affirmatively... you will draw THAT equal energy person to you. ok. I'll get off of my Date SoapBox now... ☺
Yes, there are many options. The combo of science and psychology creates attraction and chemistry. People WILL want to get to know/settle down with one person when there is attraction and chemistry. Letting things naturally happen, rather than forcing a connection and being overly eager, and being an interesting person with your own interests will draw potential partners to you. If they don’t reciprocate when you show interest, move on. Don’t force anything. Be like water.
@@angeladowler7523 yeah but u could get to know one person and then they could betray you or friend zone you it's a never ending battle lol
It's what abandonment does to you. Makes you feel like love is something to be earned or chased and it's really hard on your self worth. I know it's hard, but let's go chase self love instead ❤
Can’t believe that I am crying while reading your comments. There’s time when I wonder if all I ask is too much, or if I ever be good enough for someone to stay.
Hope you have found your happiness. I’m trying too.
@@neevoxuan5249 Right there with you 😭
Reminds me of an ex who refused to buy me flowers because I hadn’t “earned” it
Hey you, you wrote something I didn't know I needed to read. Thank you stranger person.
Yeah its tough when you have abandonment issues..the second someone pulls away or ghosts you your mind goes wild. It took a while but I finally got to a point where as soon as this happened Id walk away and never reach out again. Lol.
It’s not him she’s chasing after, it’s the feeling.
Textbook transference and Limerence.
Yeap, good that somebody bring that up. It's more complicated and often connected to our childhood. I wasn't aware myself until it happens to me last year. After third date I overinvested a lot, was chasing and "fighting" to work this out without being aware that it was limerence approach. Heartbreak after several months, including being ghosted. That was cruel lesson. Without understanding deeper pattern behind it, we might repeat it.
@@eutrepe03 so true! I found out something similar. It’s especially hard to resist the urge to keep contacting a person when they’ve smeared your good name too. Then it’s chasing the liar with the truth. I fell into stupid cycles in general with a devaluing narcissist because of how my relationship was with my mom as a kid. Being ghosted hits really hard when you’ve had a dismissive parent or two as well. So many jerks out there leveraging these things in people for their own benefit or entertainment
@@karifoto yeah, i can relate to it as well. I am sorry you have to deal with that all, I know it's hard but those are our lessons.
My father was very narcissist and my emotional need as kid or teenager was never met. I didn't realize that was the reason I subconsciously avoid dating and opening up, too risky. All on subconscious level. My life was good, I have friends, did a lot of self work but I was not aware how i will loose myself kind of if i fell in love... How my child wound will get activated this way. Even for normal guys without bad intentions it's too much. Because you are missing this space, space for mutual dance, like two people wanting to build something. I completly get lost in chasing mode, wanting to work it out, this or another way. And didn't get signals to finish it earlier. I agree that structure dating for people with Childhood trauma is very needed and don't get physical too quickly. Some people can just simply enjoy it, will cost too much pain at the end
❤
Stop Chasing Men who aren't Chasing you!
He didn't PULL away...he was NEVER present. Stop INVESTING in Men who aren't investing in you.
Translation: He got sick of her thirst trap IG posts and her keeping in touch with all of her exes…. 😂
I give up. I meet someone I really connect with every few years and EVERY TIME they rush in with so much and everything is really great and then they disappear after a month or two. I refuse to do this again.
Well, as a guy, it happens here too...actually recently. But it's okay...there's still hope. You aren't alone with this, so the chances of meeting someone that won't dip is pretty good.
I can feel you, the modern age has sadly become like that
The amount of people that play the hot and cold game is unreal. It works to get sex and I guess that’s why people do it so much.
You are not alone on this same here after 2months.... is really sad💔
Great advice..thank you .
And this is why I don’t jump into bed with guys who aren’t serious about me. No more of this ‘sex on the third date’ that they haven’t earned whatsoever. Hookup culture is wayyyy too empty for me.
🎯🎯🎯
Exactly!!!
You went straight to the issue! Women are sleeping with men that don't give a crap about them.
Great point you have made, that’s awesome.
You can “thank” feminazis who have encouraged women’s sexual promiscuous to the point it’s gotten.
After multiple partners, women can no longer pair bond, end up getting f’d, and f’d over by enough guys, and abortions, or out of wedlock children, just plain baggage, and are damaged goods forever after.
@@CEO474 I'm really sorry about that. Probably not what you meant, but this happens to guys also. Recently this happen to me too. In my case it was after a one night stand. The chemistry was so unveilebable for me. At 42 years old i thought of myslef being very mature and experienced. But did excatly the exact same mistake this video talks about. She was vey enthusiastic about keeping in contact in the beggining, but I guess i was the one showing way more interest in our conversations. It wasn't just the sex, i truly find her so interesting, even though she is quite younger than me. So now I'm pretty much getting ghosted. Thankfully i didn't get to the point of making an ultimatum and just took the hint. I guess i just have to accept that i messed up and move on. The good think is i think i learned my lesson this time, hopefully. Good luck in the future!
Attention is not intention…powerful
One of the best advices i received ever was , " We cant make other people feel like us , behave like us , think like us , have same emotions and heart like us , so dont try change and undertand the others , instead understand your self and make the best of every situation".
With this advice in my mind i helped a lot myself and I did my best in every situation as a result to feel more confident and on right path. If I did smth "wrong" I was happy because ive learnt smth and we are all humans so this is smth natural.
Really nice advice. Thanks.
I just learned smth
I needed to hear this. Thank you
Great attitude!
If I sense someone is pulling away, I just let them go. It can be hard and painful initially but it's quicker to understand that you deserve better and will help meet someone who could be a potential partner
For all this trouble, I rather be alone. Love myself and use all that energy just on me instead of playing dating games. People just can’t be themselves anymore.
You can just be yourself with the right person. If someone makes you feel like either they're playing games or that you have to then they're not the right person for you.
That said, communication *has always* been an important part of a healthy relationship.
Same for me tho...
Well said👍thank you😊
Better stock up on batteries
@@chrisjfox8715 Yes. I recently met a guy I really liked and showed up for him as I was, and it was too much, he was probably looking for a low effort number on his roster. When he couldn't even commit to a third date and ghosted me I just never even asked what was up, just left it. He was never going to be the man I needed him to be. I gave it a shot and I failed. But at least I have the capacity to try
The fact that love and dating works like that is just terrible. All this "oh you giving so much so easily, therefore it's not valuable" BS, I just hate it. But I have learned and whenever people pull away or don't invest as much as I do, I just let it be because it means they are not the person you thought they are or at least they are not feeling the way you thought they are.
It's not so much that you can't be a giver, it's just that the person receiving needs to invest in the relationship too. That has *always* been the reality of healthy relationships.
Doesn't mean that their reciprocation has to be the same and at the *exact* same level as yours. Different love languages are a thing as well as one showing genuine gratitude for the love you give. If you're a very loving person then if the receiver doesn't value your giving then they just aren't right for you.
That said, communication is key regardless
@@Userinterfaceexperience i've seen and experienced people with a variety of love languages for myself
If they have pulled away, just let them go. Know your own worth.
Is it this easy
Easy to say ...
@@KuRinNaYa7 exactly
If someone pulls away, remove your energy from them. They can be unhealthy or even worse: manipulative. And you don't want to deal with any of that.
It's gonna hurt for a while, but rather get stung by a few wasps today than chasing them and face an entire hornets nest months or years later.
A healthy person will let you know if there's something wrong and not play this cat and mouse game (where you're the mouse).
I have to keep telling myself this, my recent ex just broke up with me last week… I feel used & discarded 💔 I liked him so much even tho we just were few months into the relationship. But It’s not worth waisting energy on trying to convince them to stay…
I agree
I guess the problem is she is LONELY . Loneliness can make you chasing after someone
This is so depressing. I know it’s unrealistic and naive, but I just wish it would be effortless and breezy like in the movies. I’m not calculating enough to keep track of all the rules.
Don’t think of it like that. It should come naturally if you have healthy standards for yourself. It just takes practice.
I literally did this textbook mistake last year. I pulled away to see what he will do. He didn’t bother to reach out. I guess I should just move on and be more careful next time. He probably just liked that I liked him
If he didn’t bother to reach out, you didn’t lose anything after you pulled away. Way to go sister! Just move on ❤
@@honeyhoney20466 that is the dumbest thing ive read all day today
As a high value man, we will walk away if you pull away. Don’t play this game with a high value man, he will move on with someone who doesn’t play games and communicates directly.
@@honeyhoney20466 Thank you! ❤️ R really appreciate it!
@@TomScott__ Thank you for the responses! He pulled away first then kept coming back with empty promises then ghost me again until I got fed up. Sorry for not clarifying it. Anyways, I think we both were wrong for eachother.
Im impressed how spot on this guy is. I made all these mistakes and lost a great person. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t done it but life is about falling and learning from that fall. Thank you for the free knowledge
Same. It had to happen to me though I wouldn't have learned it best any other way. Some things you just have to learn through living.
Yes of course
But who's to say it would've become something better? We all fall for these thoughts too, the regrets. However, who's to say it was a better choice? No one knows. I'd rather live with my own choices and what I have now rather spend another moment thinking, my life would've been easier and better if I took that option.
If you put someone on a pedestal you give them all the control, so without being selfish, value yourself. Any relationship should be mutual and a two way street, it’s all about give and take, without that it’s just one sided.
putting someone in a pedestal is a no-no.. for only The Most High is to be exalted! instead respect & love towards our neighbor, & not worship.
I no longer have any hope in finding a decent guy anymore. I’m tired of everyone leaving me
I'm a guy, girls do this as well, especially busy woman, who are afraid of compromised. I tend to always find myself in these kind of relationships
An honest good faith question for you: I don’t know anything about you but many ppl who say that everyone leaves them, are actually suffering from the effects of childhood trauma or C-PTSD. interactions and relationships trigger things in us that make us react in ways that destroy relationships. I have C-PTSD. I feel like everyone abandons me. Does this sound like you as well?
Same here just work on yourself 😕😕
Yeah well alot of men have noticed that when men try to be what women say they want and be a decent guy they get used and turn into an emotional punching bag and then get left anyway for a pos that couch surfs and has no job
@@luismadeira3101know your attachment style, how you attach to other people.
There are four attachment styles and only one is healthy.
Learn how to move from your attachment style to the secure attachment style which is healthy.
Stop looking for love outside of you . Learn to love yourself fully.
Jesus said: “love your neighbor as you love yourself. ”
The amount of love that you give yourself is what you share and it reflects back.
You can’t love your neighbor more than you love yourself.
Therefore no one can give you the love more than the love you give yourself.
Anything less should be rejected.
Have strong boundaries and know what you really want in a relationship.
A man does not need love, he needs respect and a woman he can lead. So be a good leader.
“ he who finds a good wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord ”.
Proverbs 18: 22
Lastly heal your child trauma.
Proverbs 3:5-7
Do it with the Lord , you will never regret it. ❤
If they pull away...
Let them go.
Give them the courtesy of a goodbye and then block and delete everything about them. Burn the bridge as they stand on it.
😂😂😂 the visual of this is something else. Dark power
Then it takes another decade to meet someone else you have strong chemisty with. That only happens a few times in an entire lifetime.
So nice to hear someone thinks in the same way Ido, have the courtesy to say Goodbye/not just Ghosting; there is another person on the other side who didn’t Coward down to the feeling! Man or woman UP!
U suck when u do this
Yup. If you give too much of your attention and time and get not much of the same back then you need to evaluate your relationship with that person.
Ive found that those who are meant to be in our lives will be. Being happy and content within myself, by myself has been that big game changer. When I'm not looking outward to feel whole or loved or good enough, theres just no draw to people who don't value the hue of light I overflow with. Also no tip or trick will make us loveable or put us in the right tribe like being authentically yourself will. The same vibe that terrifies the haters out of our lives, is that beacon to our real tribe❤
Love this! This is my vibe as well❤ Didn’t realize I had so many haters until after my recent ex. Peace if you believe the nonsense ✌🏽🫶🏽🎶☀️⚡️
I think its quite easy to think chemistry and compatibility go hand in hand, but i think in the long run whats important is really commitment and investment over time. You can have chemistry with someone but that doest necessarily mean they are invested. They could just be liking you as a friend, maybe theyre not even there with you as you are with them.
I used to ran after them, now I just don't say a thing and leave because it takes self love and respect for yourself to do that.
I advise every single woman to go through an isolation phase. It will change everything.
Why do you advise the isolation phase?
❤
doing that right now. it’s so hard but i hope it’s worth it.
IMHO, it's wise to take a break from dating and identify your relationship/behavior patterns, attachment injuries (and trauma) and work on them after an unreciprocated marriage that ended up in a divorce/unreciprocated relationship that ended up in a breakup so that you don't repeat the same scenario over and over again. If your date's actions don't match their words and their behavior is inconsistent (into you in the beginning and pulling away after the first date or a couple of dates), i.e. hot and cold, it's a good indicator that they're not invested in you or they may have a personality disorder. The question to ask yourself is, "why am I infatuated with someone who doesn't reciprocate?"
Unfortunately, modern dating is structured to create insecurity, the antidote to a predictor of intimate relationship satisfaction. The majority of people use online dating, which has turned the whole experience into consumerism, a shopping spree where users are commodified. Instead of building a rapport, slowly getting to know each other, and determining compatibility, people are both "shopping" and "testing" each other and other people, and vice versa (serial dating, benching, situationships, back burner relationships, layby). The myriad choices behind a stack of profiles give people the sense that there are a lot of options, so their level of investment in their dates becomes lower. And when they see a small flaw, a red flag, or something that doesn't go their way, they simply return their merchandise (dumping, ghosting) or trade it in for shinier, newer ones (upgrading).
My thoughts exactly! Potential partners have indeed been turned into a commodity which we "shop" for, sadly, mainly thanks to online dating increasing the perceived pool of partners.
As soon as your date perceives a flaw in the merchandise, they feel entitled to bin it and shop for another model 😢 All humans have flaws FFS!!! Conversely, they will also bin you if you seem too perfect and make them uncomfortably aware of their own flaws....
i think this behavior is typical for people with unhealed childhood wounds. People who have this trauma tend to be needy, dramatic, they idealize romantic partners and expect them to come, rescue them and fill the void in their heart. They cling to them like to dear life. And it is both true for both men and women. That's why it is so important to take care of the childhood issues before entering the dating community
Just gotta say, the lady mentioned on this video mirrors my relationship with my wife and then my next relationship, except in my story, the first girl I met after is still the love of my life. We tried, failed, took some time, and now we're trying again and it's amazing. When she pulled away, it was self preservation and not a reflection of her feelings for me. Sometimes it does work out.
She might have had some sort of attachment issues? Just curious. I know I do lol
This comment is what i needed.
Attention is not intention! Yes Matthew spot on! I've learned to just enjoy, invest in my life and let things unfold organically. Life changing and freeing!🎉
Internet gives very conflicting advices…
This is brilliant! The rush of oxytocin with the new person, which was experienced after years of no intimacy, tends to overwhelm everything else and can become addictive. I think many of us have experienced this. This is why what you do to bring us back to reality and remind us of what is best for us is so important. Thank you for all you do! 🙏
I fell hard for a man. We both seemed to. Life was amazing for a few months, then, the apparent love of his life reappeared. He continued to lie to me and lead me on, all the while ghosting me and giving everything he has to her. He still lies about having someone else, the jerk is engaged to her! I feel like a deer that's been gutted. He's a pig
thank yourself that it was only a few months, not years, yes you are hurt now, cheers to these next few weeks of you healing.. dont be too hard on yourself. take it easy ok? if you are still hurting too much in about a month i suggest talking to a professional.
@@amandaburleson2035• I completely agree. I was lied to for years. My ex was still married and had a baby that was born with Down syndrome left the wife and their 6 month old baby moved in with me. He told me that his divorce was finalized after mine was just to keep me near him, but it was all a lie only to advance his medical career to be closer to a Spanish area. He played both of us and hurt many many people. He had me thinking he was traveling back and forth to Miami due to him being in the military reserve. And once he was called out he still chose to not tell the truth. The wife and i finally had a long conversation they ended up divorcing and I ended my relationship with him. Talk about the trauma💔❤️🩹 There just wasn’t a need to lie.
@georgiaoblak• I completely understand just imagine if he can’t tell you the truth imagine what he’s not telling her. Men like that doesn’t ever change and be thankful you’re not the one engaged to him. And if you still have him in your contact list immediately change his name to liar all capital letters and his contact picture to a 🐷🤭. I always feel better once I change their contact name and photo. You will feel better trust me if he contacts you and the lying pig pops up 🤣 just don’t answer!!! Feel better and I hope my message made you laugh.
Same thing is happening to me right now. 😢
@@savannahtalbert4221yeah sorry but no offense you deserved that. You got with a man who left his wife and child with Down syndrome…sounds like karma came for you.
I'm in an almost carbon copy situation right now, but earlier on. I can feel him getting irritated by my neediness and constant need for attention and validation. We've got to the point where I'm getting emoji replies - he's literally begging me for space and I just... cant! I can feel myself ruining this because his attention and interest feels like the most important thing in the world, when in reality I have so much more going on! I hate that I'm aware of what i'm doing and the dangers, yet i'm still doing it!
I know it's a cliché but the first step to solving a problem is being aware of it. So, you're aware of it. While you can't control your emotions easily, you can control your behaviour. Anytime you feel the urge to reach out to him, reach out to a friend instead, watch one of these TH-cam videos etc. Disappear for a while. For the beginning, disappear for three days. I promise you he will notice.
I know the feeling, I'm going through similar. It's just frustrating being fully aware but just can't stop. What I'm going to try and do is just take some time each day to focus on something else, like learning a new skill, cooking a new dish from scratch, researching a fun course/workshop, booking a trip away etc. Things for me. It's hard as nothing else matters, but after some time away from thinking of him, it does help to let my mind have something else to think about. You never know where any of these things can lead onto as well. Sending hugs to you though, as I'm struggling to stop the feelings too.
I know the feeling. Try visualizing. Trying seeing yourself on a beach and him in a canoe. And when you reach out too much and push too hard, the canoe starts drifting away. Picture how you feel when a man pushes for sex when you are not ready. You feel that he’s being disrespectful and doesn’t care what you want. He only cares about getting something from you. And it starts to make you feel very uncomfortable. And picture thats how he feels.
I have been in that situation a few times and it never worked out. I think the problem is that you have a vision of you two and won't give up on that, but it's probably not reality. It also depends how long are you dating? In one video Matthew talked about building a castle together that video helped me so much. You can search for... by the way I'm happy married so it really worked. My husband was the only man in my life which I haven't idealized and the first one I get to know him first and than I give him my all. Wish you all the best ❤
Same.. 😭
This one was like reading a history of my last 3 and a half months. Heartbreaking; But we live and we learn.
I totally agree! I learned through dating that just because may find you attractive for a time it doesn’t mean that he’s the right person or that he’ll commit to you and love you.
Coming from a woman it usually means "he didn't chase me enough", so I never know how to take these.
@@timekeeper2538what are you going on about lol. No it means this guy didn't take the time to get to know me. Men confuse lust for love. Myself included, every man has come back into my life whom I dated saying I was the best girl they ever met, I had 3 last month alone 😂. They thought the grass was greener now they are alone 😂😂😂
He was pulling away because he was cheating in a 6 month relationship. That's the sad truth. He is a serial cheater. I ended the relationship right away, no contact, just a forever goodbye. Now healing and learning from the experience.
Thank you Matthew, you are right❤
I just ended it. He persued me relentlessly and I gave in...then the texts, calls and invitations to his place stopped. He would message maybe once a week...breadcrumbs...I tried talking to him asking him to communicate more. Still he barely communicated saying his work has him busy. I was getting the feeling he had someone new. I ended it via voice note because I deserved better than to be played for a fool. He has not responded....good riddents
In order to be a serial cheater he had to have other women willing to date him who knew he was paired off
And I'll bet you turned away many good men for this guy then complain about this guy.
@@rascal211 I don't😁
I have been used a placeholder and sex toy. Once people get what they want they leave. They'll fake an interest only for so long and sooner or later I am dropped. Moving forward I am no longer dating or engaging with people for any romantic type relationships. I am also practicing celibacy because obviously sex isn't for me. If the only reason most people want to engage with me is for sex, and I am constantly being used for it. I am better off not participating all together and having more discipline and control over myself.
Do you ever just get literally the perfect video at the perfect time and it just feels like the universe is screaming at you? Yeah.... that's what this was.
There are some great points here. Can’t help but notice relationships are way too complex to compromise your self worth.
His own wounds and his not being relationship ready. I’ve made it clear I AM relationship ready. I’m bored with the hot and cold now. I’ve let go and I am focusing on myself. I even signed up for an online spiritual dating site.
Hey, man here.
I've never thought I'd to see so many resentful comments in a video that explains something simple in a healthy way. All he's talking about is the reciprocated value issue when trying to attract the object of your attention. It happens to BOTH MEN AND WOMEN that we dont get to choose if the other part is as invested as we are. So, what do you do? Its counterintuitive to do what Matthew says, but I guarantee you its the best thing to do. Now tell me, why would you chase someone that doesnt speak your value language? Why would you chase in the first place? The chase signals lack of value, so while stopping the chase, realizing how chasing wont show value but LACK of it, you are more valuable than before. Why would a man be attracted to a lacking woman, when he could have an abundant and valuable woman instead? So, in terms of availability, ladies dont position yourselves where he thinks "yeah low value, I could get her anytime if I wanted to", or "I dont feel attracted to her even though shes all over me, I feel more assaulted than appreciated". This will kill attraction and put you in the friendzone, or even worse, the little annoying sister zone. Instead, build a life and thrive in your femininity, and then you can have a chance. But dont chase.
Source: me. I had to learn this. Plays both ways with men and women, with a few differences. Have a good life and work within yourselves, its the only way to level up.
Forgot to mention: the only way I have completely discarded a woman is after perceiving manipulation while offering nothing on the table. Forget about the coochie.
Matthew, THANK YOU for the tremendous free value you give us here on youtube.
My words can't express how much you have helped me when i was(and still sometimes am) in pain, torturing and doubting myself, how much you have helped me with my mindset to see my value, my worth and to remind myself how f* powerful actually I am.
Thank you for reminding us that the real power is already within us.
May everything you give, returns to you 10x!
All the best! 🍀
1m times more ❤
B
Donate some for him to keep doing the thing, plus showing gratitude
So so well explained!!! This is the reason why I always like to listen to male relationship coaches, as it always comes from a guy’s perspective!!
I'm in this exact situation right now. Randomly started a friends with benefits typa thing with my flatmate a few months ago and for a while it did feel like it could be more. But then he stopped coming over to me and I kept coming over to his room because I wanted to see him and I was scared of losing it. Now he pretty much entirely stopped checking on my or even texting me because he knows he's getting it anyway. I now stopped always being the one initiating it and now we haven't really seen each other in 2 weeks even though we live together because he's not getting his ass up to reach out to me either. It truly sucks and even tho it sucks I really learned a lot from this
UMM... yeah, don't sleep with your roommate
@@Heyu7her3 well ... 😬
I know it’s part of the culture these days, but you really need more respect for yourself hun. Don’t give away for free what guys are willing to pay for 😂
@@jaybee4288 yuck you sound as bad as the guys you're all complaining about
the sooener you stop the sooner youll heal, go about a month and this too will be a thing of the past.
Basically people need to flip their romantic ideals on their head. People have things backwards. They want the honeymoon phase first and up front, with none of the effort, and then expect to be able to shoehorn reality into these initial feelings and make things work between them and this person they are obsessed over. No, you need to do all the boring and hard work up front to find someone right for you, and then once you find this person that compliments you, that you can compromise with, that you can do all the transactional, obligational, leverage based work with, then the honeymoon feelings will come after. And they stay a lot longer if you do it this way around. Because happiness will come from being in a relationship with someone that works and meets your needs.
Such a great comment!
I am doing this next time! ❤
i overvalue our chemistry so damn much since 5 years, because i never had this with anyone else. this year i learnt and finally willing to let go of a man who chose another woman. i get it now, it hurts but i get it.
Such a common pattern, too often made even worse by intermittent love bombing. Great video!
10:53 “I felt like there was no progression with you. So I didn’t feel excited in giving much more to this. If you want to keep seeing me you need to show me.”
Powerful words, great advice!
The master of dissecting and breaking down social interactions
this feels spot on, started dating a few months ago thought everything was going great, she got scared put up a wall and has been pulling away while ive been giving, she tells me she wants balance but also i feel shes not putting in any effort to make time for me and i only see here on the weekends when shes free for me. its been an emotional rollercoaster but i dont want to give up on her so im slowly starting to pull back. it sucks that its like this i just want to feel wanted and connected.
And the worst in this is that they treat you of being needy and unstable for expressing your wants and needs.
If someone isn't interested or lost interest it's useless to keep going after them. Show them the door and bye-bye.
"Emotional rollercoaster " means they're being emotionally abusive. And you'd never want to be with someone who is abusive. Don't waste your time with someone like that. It would very hard at first, but you'd be happy later on.
Feels just went through the same shit. If they aren’t putting it in then leave it’s hard and sucks but you want someone on the same level of wanting to spend time and be around you. Otherwise what’s the fucking point
I’m currently in recovery for an intense addiction to the highs & lows of my last mistake 😬
Exact samething am going through right now i really hate this.
These videos have a really stabilizing effect on me, even as a guy. I'm hearing things that one side of me argues for already in my head, but the other side, the needy side, can sound convincing, too. It's always good to keep the conversation with your rational side alive, it'll tell you some of these things and help you assert control over the only thing you can control all the time: yourself.
Txting kills relationships in my opinion. Nobody needs to be in contact at all times.
Depends, too many variables for such a black and white statement. Texts can save a friendship or relationship if the timing is right.
If it's only text. I agree
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why all the games? Ugh.
Its not games, our psychology is complicated, hes just explaining it.
I just don’t have the patience for this 😂 , If they pull away and start dating others i just cut them off
I’m in the middle of this now. Its so easy to get caught up in this and its ok. I’m taking a step back and taking a breather so I can look at the big picture. Thank you for the realism! ❤
I finally had time to watch this whole video, as a single mom who went through a similar divorce and then situationship… this resonates …Matthew you are brilliant..
Same. It resonates right now
Who ended the sex in the marriage?… do you think anything has changed? In you.
Same here..
Yes, match his energy. By the time they feel " ready " to move forward again you won't even want him.
Attention is not intention… reality check right here.
It all makes a perfect sense on a rational level. But I'm not entirely sure how we apply it. We're not robots to follow the knowledge of the mind perfectly. It sounds more like we need a counsellor or therapist to go to at every tiny step we take in that process to release all those huge emotions. Is that what it's about? I can't imagine how people (who are not psychopaths etc) can do it easily just like that, e.g. back up if someone is not giving them enough, without emotional side effects like grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness etc, plus questioning our own worth in the process. This is not a process to go through alone, it could even be dangerous if one tries!
I'm likeable and sometimes I just think that everyone likes me because of that, which isn't always the case, so I tend to overshare. Something I know I need to work on. It's not a trauma response at all as I had a happy childhood and all my past romantic relationships were well-balanced, I just love telling people my life story 😂
And I just did it again with a guy I felt a connection with, still do. But he's pulled away. For many reasons unknown to me and we haven't spoken in about a month. I'm not chasing him, because I'm not that type of person, but you know when you feel there could have been something more but will never know because he's not receptive to your communication.
You sound like a really sweet and kind person. I hope you find love soon! ❤
This is so true! It’s about being ok to walk away without making a fuss about it. My now husband was pulling away when we were dating and I backed off. He asked what was wrong and I told him that love triangles weren’t for me and it would be best if I step back while he figures things out. He completely changed after that phone call.
This is right on. Also I like that you explained what often gets called the “anxious-avoidant trap” in completely general terms, without involving attachment theory at all.
I am anxious one getting better at guessing who's avoidant ones and avoid them to escape trap.
im usually the one pulling away.. for this exact reason too. people be giving me too much worth when in reality im insecure and feel like I don't deserve it. this leads me to feeling pressured into trying to do better and better for them so they won't lose that interest in me. i usually end up detaching from them. im currently going through this ..
Yikes
@@ch1bob why yikes ?
@@imtee4315 seen this
That is an interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Go and fix yourself, don’t hurt ppl around. Learn how to love yourself and be confident, how to accept and believe you can be loved. 🥰
Why did this come just at the right time... Before I watched this, I met with 2 friends who sort of gave me a similar advice.
Thank you so much for this video, Matthew. It's really very helpful to me right now. I NEEDED to hear this.
Sometimes, taking the advice of "just be yourself" or "if he doesn't make you feel secure, he's not the one" or "you just need to find a guy who would accept you for who you are" doesn't always work because what if what I am is anxious, needy, and needs a lot of reassurance, etc. meaning, I am toxic and needs a lot of improvement. No matter how good a man is or how sincere his intentions are, if the problem is with me and I don't work on it, the relationship isn't going to work.
I like Matthew's advice on reversing the pattern because I did end up overvaluing my relationship with a guy and investing too much too soon. I did have leverage at first but in the end, I ruined it due to some other problem I am currently struggling with. I am trying to work on that and I hope I can and will! Trust issues really are the hardest for me to work on.
Thank you again for this very insightful video, Matthew!!!!
❤
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment and it's a good sign that you're aware and how you know this is because you're yourself and should look for someone secure who doesn't mind to reassure you and address any challenges. Because guess what! Overtime you move to being more secure.
I'm this person, and in early days i never felt so much connection with someone and I have put too much effort and always initiated at the beginning. I think he felt suffocated sometimes so I pulled away and then he makes an effort. Sometimes they also have issues with their past. I am hypercritical of everything. But I know he is just a good person and very kind I wanted him so badly. But there are alot of times I didn't feel happy and I was willing to let him go. I told him I was not happy anymore. And he made an effort, we made an effort. Now we're 8yrs married. Not flawless but we both make efforts.
Well we all need to constantly reflect and work on our own self growth and improvement, but the self you are on that growth journey is nonetheless the self you should be - perhaps including being transparent about some of those struggles you're working on. The key is in finding someone that's compatible with where you are on that journey, and that masking your true self in their presence can be a fast track to a relationship that won't last since eventually the mask (and incompatibility thereof) is going to start cracking if not come off entirely.
I went through this. I had someone who was truly a good potential partner start to pull away and I managed to being her back by staying present but measured. But then I did the #3 thing and it completely blew up in my face. The crazy thing is it wasn’t my idea. I told my sister about my insecurities and she insisted I say something. And it didn’t work precisely because I didn’t have leverage yet. Also it probably didn’t even need to be said at all.
eh.....she meant well, but we can't get advice from women about women I don't think.....not sure we can do it from men, either lmao!
@@billyb4790 Absolutely. 100% cannot take advice from women about women. Not sure she meant well to be honest but regardless I take responsibility
@@davehasenford3985 yeah bro. Thing is I think women honestly don’t know wtf they are saying. They might mean well, but are way off. On the other hand, men might very well know they are full of crap but say it anyways just for views and money. I find dating advice can be helpful but it’s like sifting through tons of mud to find small flecks of good.
Plus it was a rebound, and it's a transition from a loveless marriage. Enjoy the moments as they come, I like to be present, come what may. Took years to get to this place. Happy being healthy.
Matthew, perfect clarification. That’s how I wrongly behaved! Well, hopefully I leaned for the next relationship! Thanks ❤
I am/going through a lot of shit...and trust me your videos are treating my mind and my soul...they are soo relatable!! Thanks a lot for this!!
Thank you SO much for this. I've been doing these patterns non-stop in my life and didn't realize what was happening. This completely makes sense and thank you also for saying what to do when you start going into those patterns. I really have to take a step back
This is exactly what I’m going through. After a hot and heavy start a few months ago (intense chemistry and physical intimacy), he has pulled waaaayyy back, but still wants to continue a (really frequent) platonic friendship. Says that I’m his closest friend and can’t talk to anyone else like he does to me. I’ve been trying to be “just friends”, but I’ve been gaslighting myself and am really struggling to detach from him romantically. I’m not sure that I can do it. He gets the benefit of my company/attention/love, essentially, while I get the anxiety/disappointment/heartbreak of holding a torch for someone who can’t/won’t commit to me. So hard to walk away when I’m so entwined, emotionally….
I really liked (lol) the segment about what someone “liking” you really means - could have a video all of its own. Great advice as always ❤
❤
Oh yes!! That has gotten my attention too. It's a brilliant topic as most of us who value attention so much or liking us back think that as a basis of someone giving us value or being wanted. Also the "attention vs intention" that one is brilliant too. I hope Matthew will expound on this subject matter.
@@emjaye13 100%. Yeah definitely, it’s very similar to being liked and so easy to mistake attention for intention.
Best coach out there, I have stopped counting the amount of things I have learned from you. Quality content - a big THANK YOU!
There are many other coaches but your videos and what you talk about is most relatable...at this point I needed your videos exactly
Your explanation is so incredibly simple and clear. Thank you for your amazing videos ❤
This video came 30 minutes too late i just ended it......The first month was explosive. He persued me relentlessly and initiated the start of a committed relationship. Then after spending all our time together .....suddently the communication dwindled to almost nothing. He stopped inviting me over on weekend. I tried getting him to communicate more, he deiftwd further away, my texts went unanswered until eventually I ended it via voice note....he still never reaponded. That was the end of that.
Loving the uploads Matt. Well done with keeping frequent in uploads and content.
Mathew thank you so much for this valuable information. I'm going through this now and I will apply your advice. Words cannot express how grateful I am for you. ❤️
I love the discussion about placing too much value on one area. And how to rethink that. I also love the discussion on leverage because it’s some thing that used to sound distasteful to me but I do get it now. That power exchange and power dynamic is definitely a part of sociology. We’ll be advised to learn this.
THANK you for this.
To keep it short, I would say this video is helpful for the START of relationships as well, as it deals with intentions, investment, and matching the energy of the other person.
I'm glad you have the transcript & glad I watched/read this 😀
Matthew, your conceptualization of all of this is off the charts good - AND your detailed micro approach is never tedious nor laborious but engaging and understandable . . . THANK YOU 🙂
So thankful for you Matthew ❤
Men that are sure about you don’t pull away. If they do, let them go and keep yourself available for a strong and sure man. It is more than likely he’s an emotionally unavailable man and they are a waste of your time.
I need to applaud you in your delivery on this serious topic.
One of my toxic traits is defensiveness 😬
This video found me exactly on time! Thank you, Matthew! You are blessing for me! I wish i had this information 20 years ago, but I promise myself to use it from now on. It was that second that absolutely flip my way of thinking 💡Thank you! ❤️🙏🏻
literally talking about my life thanks
Hi Matthew, thank you for the eye opener video. This happened with my current ex boyfriend, we were having a great time and both investing a lot of time towards each other. We were together for over a year, we broke up, then got back together. The second time we got back together, there was no leverage to move forward. I felt like I was the only one giving my all into the relationship and he took. He did not give anything accept whined and complained. There was no solid foundation for something long-lasting. I think that was the problem; you're video really helped me understand what went wrong, thank you.
Not sure I agree with this idea of 'Leverage' - that to me sounds like power. And the one painful sticking point that has hurt relationships since time ad infinitum is this idea of power over another person. You want deep love and someone pulls away? Then start POURING love into yourself in their absence. And don't be afraid to ask what's happening in their head early on if you sense a pull away - stop playing games and just ASK. If they aren't the right person for you, that clear and loving communication will scare them and good. And they are, that will only cement the relationship. Can we stop with the leverage / power / whatevers and start relating to eachother like... idk... adults?
But just asking question is not going to make someone realise the situation, it's important to play this game called Love , at the end everything is fair in love and war
@@ZohaEnglishLabThis is why 50% of all relationships fail, Love is not a game let's stop acting like it is and get ourselves over to that 50% succesful side.
3 part pattern
Part 1
Overvalued something
Intense chemistry
Put them on pedestal
Part 2
Give way too much
He wasn't making it important
He was given way too much without needing to give back.
Out of balance
They can like us but it's not intension
Part 3
She gave so much He didn't need to do much. He does less and less
She exerted control in the
Wrong way.
Bad control is not over the right things.
Desperation, we don't have leverage.
Leverage is asking for something.
All that happened to me! That relationship is gone. Too bad I let him play with my boobs. Now I feel like the boob! 😅
the juice wasn't worth the squeeze?
😂😂😂
Wise ideas from a humble guy… love it!!
That leverage thing makes so much sense!
so so good. I used to watch you years ago, and I could sort of tell you were sort of, I don't know how to explain it, but you seemed just different, it didn't resonate. Maybe because you were so young..i don't know, but NOW I just love how deep your assessments go. it's BEYOND dating, it's about self-examination, personal development...and then the bonus is the relationship, it's like love from the inside out. Holistic. LOVE IT and LOVE who you have become. Thank you and congrats on the engagement Matthew.
This is amazing advice even in a non-romantic relationship. Thank you!
I feel like overstepping boundaries could also be addressed here? If both people seem really into each other to begin with, but one of them invests too much in the early days e.g. planning children, engagement, buying a house together, etc which are all GREAT thing's for a relationship but on the 2nd date, it's not very realistic or comfortable to be around. If that happened to me, I'd feel uncomfortable and thinking this is not so much about me as their idealised version of the early relationship. Whatever their motivation is e.g might be excessive loneliness, poor sense of self worth, etc not necessarily anything malignant,. it's not based in reality just yet. A healthy relationship will progress through healthy stages naturally, however if one party is over invested too early on, this is a red flag of poor boundaries, and the other person may instinctively pull away, even though they really initially liked the person, because it's too much too soon. Hope that makes sense.
The problem with this is I over valued it because they promised and made plans too soon(major red flag) He pulled away after pushing me then turning around saying I pushed him, he talked marriage and kids a future then decided it made him “uncomfortable” when he created that narrative. He told me I smothered him and created all of that when he was the pusher and the one smothering me then he went full avoidant mode. It was a constant pattern though we broke up got back together over and over then I realized I was dealing with a narcissist Love bombing,abuse then the bread crumbing even after we broke up he tried to control the narrative AFTER too trying to be friends with me but absolutely mentally and verbally abusing me.
Thank you for sharing this. It just happened to me, and it's soothing to hear that it's not my fault for pulling away, but that he was overstepping boundaries and that me pulling away is the natural consequence.
Brilliant! Completely in denial of my anger, not cognitively but in my body still, have released some but my therapist tells me “you have to get in touch with your anger” for some of us that’s real difficult
Love how you explain things , it’s all about the timing ! Thank you !
Matthew it's incredible to see your progression and the development in the depth of insight and understanding that you share through your work! (former high school teacher - can you tell?) Really great content as always.
Does he get an A? 😄
This video is a mental paradigm shift for me .. I am thankful beyond belief for you .. thank you 🙏
yes!! ❤
Aap bohot influence karti ho...aap us choti nacchi ko itni umeede deti ho jitni koi nahi deta ...thank you❤
This is beautifully put,it hurt but its the truth. Thank you.