"I guess I'm not attracted to you." That's what my DA ex from last Spring said to me after we were moving toward more emotional intimacy and after we made a commitment at the 3.5 months of dating mark. He was sex avoidant on top of the DA issues which were going completely unaddressed and unresolved. I truly feel I tried to talk about it gently, at his pace, etc. etc. Bottom line, an inability to communicate with my partner, especially about something as important as sex, was a deal breaker and I dumped him. I found PDS as a severely anxious preoccupied attached person with FA tendencies a couple of years ago and am proud to say I moved to earned secure. Dumping a DA unwilling to do any work on himself after 4 months was a huge step for me. My last relationship was sexless and with a DA... and I stayed in that one for 4 years. While I feel for DAs when their core wounds come online... I will never again forgo my own needs to move at their glacial emotional, physical, and spiritual pace. I guess I'd feel worse saying this as I know criticism (real or perceived) for DAs is really tough... but in my experience, they have had no problem flaw finding in me, which alleviates the mild guilt arising connected to the fact that, I may be hurting someone's feelings out there, (if I am, it is unintentional). I offer this comment as feedback, not criticism. DAs, if you're really worried about being perceived as weak, the antidote is to lean into courage... which means leaning into vulnerability and finding a skilled, licensed therapist to help you sort through your issues. Blaming the partner for "needing too much," or copping out behind, "I just can't meet their needs,"... those are the behaviors of an emotionally feeble individual. You may not be a coward... but when you behave like that, dear DAs, you are definitely wearing a coward's outfit.
Just out of curiosity, when you say your last relationship was sexless, had you ever had sex with your partner at all or were they completely sex avoidant to the point where you never had sex ever?
You are not alone. "You just don't have the body type I'm attracted to" was my ex's go-to. Meanwhile he hit on every woman of every size and shape while we were together for 2.5 years. I stayed, knowing it wasn't about me, and because I saw the sweetness in him, but in the end, my ex couldn't get over how defective he saw himself as, and never worked on his insecurities, or alone admitting he had them. So I was his punching bag. I stayed, knowing I was taking hits I didn't deserve, and he kept acting out with his emotional tantrums because it was easier than getting real with himself about his baggage he was tossing on the floor of our relationship - not even with hopes that I'd clean it up for him, but as if it would go away on its own if just left there dumpeddown and untouched. It's hard being with a DA. He was my best companion, even with all the b.s. that came with his issues he refused to work on (or did at a chained up snail's pace while constantly playing the victim and saying things like "I'll never change fast enough for you", when not even trying to understand my needs, and while not being given a timeline from my end), and I do miss him terribly from time to time, but more importantly, I miss the me that I lost when pushing myself to the sidelines to try to put him first long enough that he'd feel safer to be someone's partner. I'm on the road to recovering, but it's not linear. I was an FA leaning AA after all the gas lighting and cheating he put out in our relationship. I definitely have a lot of patterns about men I'm working to move on from (especially as my 38 year old retired police officer ex was trying to hook up with 19 year olds according to messages I found in his phone 🤢. I was horrified with who he had became and so proud of the young women who were secure enough to not engage with him). I just have to remember that his insecurities aren't my burden to work on. I'm worried how this has changed me; if I'm becoming more avoidant myself now. I struggle to find the good in what I learned with him. It's only lessons I educated myself on I can take away. Like "don't be so giving to the ones you love." This is where I'm at after dating a DA, and dealing with emotional abuse that I still feel embarrassed, as a strong, independent woman, as I kept chasing to stay for the hope of a future he was never willing to genuinely build with me. Good luck on your journey to healing. I hope everyone who's still reading this gives themselves the love they deserve.
My DA is now telling me he loves me and our sex life is wonderful. It went walkabout 3 months into our relationship but came back gradually as i gave him reassurance. Going on 2 years now!
Devastation….porn, sex addiction, cheating, pathological lying….one can only try for so long. A DA has to want to heal…when they don’t, the ramifications are unimaginable. Thank you Thais for helping us understand. Too late for some, but hopefully not too late for others. 😔
I think y'all keep stating this, and she has to keep restating that one should only try with people who have identified their insecure attachments and are willing to work on them.
What I have learned as a result of dealing with a person who seems to fit the DA profile is that people can be/are oftentimes complex creatures carrying very old emotional wounds very deep inside themselves. And for those of us schooled enough in our own attachment style as well as that of our partner we know enough to approach conversations of a possibly inflamatory nature with patience, calm, and lots of empathy for their pain however real or perceived it may be. These kinds of conversations should often be entered into obliquely and almost never head-on because the territory of their pain should be considered holy ground, a sacred space. This is what I have learned from my own study of attachment style(s) and disorders. I hope you (the reader) find something of value in what I have written.
@@raularmas317 This view is so important. Thank you for voicing it. I feel as if I'm entrusted with a precious, priceless treasure. The toughest part for me is figuring out how to take care of me. I was dealing with someone who I think is not completely aware of the whys of their behavior. We are on a long break and I'm able to see aspects of his life from a distance. Its eye opening, affirming and allowed me to take a closer look at my relationship insecurities. I am secure, but found myself becoming anxious as I was trying to figure out what was taking place between us. I'm very glad and thankful that I took the time to research and delve into attachment styles.
which is why my ex will not get my forgiveness. i showed her what was the core of her behaviour, she saw how much it hurt me, but she refused any work on herself and showed me zero empathy, so i left a few weeks ago feeling devastated.
I’m the SA. Wife is the DA. Married 10 years now (no2 for both of us) First 5 years ok then the slow rollback of sex. Excuses at first, then when I approach to discuss, accused of pressure and neediness, whowe! I don’t feel any less, I just want to be intimate and have sex with the woman I love. Sure, I could go it alone, but why? Being connected is so much better improving the quality of life. Didn’t understand what was happening, especially since it was “ok” for 5-6 years (I look back now in hindsight and there were signs) Learned about DA, that’s it. I love her. Superficially we are a great couple. When we do have sex every 3-4 months now (the planets align just so) she is a dead fish, detached, distracted, and disinterested. A lot of work for 5 minutes of fireworks! I’m getting my ducks in a row. I didn’t sign up to be a monk, especially since she set a very good intimate and sexual expectation tone for me early on (5 years). So sad…
Quite honestly, by the end of the relationship with my avoidant ex I felt like he was utterly repulsed by me. 😢 It’s all the more confusing because in the first few months after we first got together we were all over each other, sex was amazing, our connection was deep and meaningful. I couldn’t believe my luck. And then….. nothing. He pulled up the drawbridge and henceforth trying to get him to as much as say a kind word to me was like getting blood out a stone.
I totally understand this! My ex DA and I had a great sex life and emotional connection....so I thought. Until it got too close for comfort and he stated he's not in love and there is no point in continuing. All in a breakup text that blindsided me and I had no idea was coming after 7 months of things being really good on every level. I assume he was triggered by the connection getting stronger.. since we weren't even fighting when he ended it😔
@@Alphacentauri819 yes, you are so right. It’s taken me learning all about attachment theory to fully appreciate this. Sadly, when I was in the relationship I was completely unaware this was what we were dealing with. Had I known, things might have been different. Anyway, forewarned is forearmed, and I now feel a lot more prepared for any future relationships. Life is a lesson.
@@adoptioncorner1984 It certainly does. Very important to remember (as hard as it is) not to take their behaviour personally. They are acting out of their fearbrain and letting their trauma response dictate their actions. They trigger themselves, it’s nothing to do with you other than you being the poor person on the receiving end of it.
@@Zen4life- Yes! My ex was FA leaning DA, and we never argued or fought. I (as a SA) figured this was a positive thing, but he seemed perturbed by it and would frequently throw it back at me almost as an accusation. Go figure.
Yes. Male DA & trying to work through all of this. Always outside of myself. Sometimes feel like a woman written for a 90s sitcom who seldom wants sex. Trying not to dwell on what's wrong, happy there are resources to help me get it right.
I've noticed some DAs are very into control around physical intimacy. The DA I was seeing would also not do things to make me comfortable. He was so disconnected with his own feelings he couldn't read what made me feel good. At one point he hurt me after I asked him to stop doing something specific (stop twisting my n****les because I'm sensitive). I screamed in pain and he was apologetic but he kept doing it when he was caught up in the moment. I realized he wasn't safe for me and I'm now out of that relationship.
I'm starting to recognize that things that make avoidants more avoidant are things that make us all more avoidant. Like feeling trapped and criticized.
But there is a huge difference between FEELING trapped and criticised and actually being trapped and criticised. …. If you’re triggered to feel a huge feeling when the event is benign, you wreak havoc on a healthy relationship.
How about acting like an avoidant personality type when someone overwhelms you with emotions or communicates you're unacceptable until you conform to my idea of who you should be. I've found those very triggering as well.
@@raularmas317 but if someone is forcing you to conform, then that’s not the same as them being overwhelmed with emotion. No one can force you to conform. If THEY are overwhelmed with emotion then you can empathise and co-regulate or self soothe. If you are overwhelmed with emotion and you demand someone soothe you without some kind of consent to that, it can be a boundary cross. You can ask to be soothed. But no one else is obliged to soothe you. …. If you’re overwhelmed, it can push the other person away. …
After years of this 'experience' (not really a relationship) i am fit for a monastery. My DA brought me closer to God, to chastity, which is surprising, i only ever wanted a family and marriage... and here we are, i found Jesus, thanks to the immense pain, hurt, rejection that lasted years. I am actually in a very good place now 🙏👑
Wow! This is spot on…my DA was most vulnerable during sex. He’d always want me to talk during the act. I could “get away” with saying certain things then, that I couldn’t get away with outside of sex. I also brought up that it’s the only time we have more than surface levels convos. The last time we were intimate, he told me he needed help being vulnerable. Then the sex and communication vanished. No more sex and only calling once per week…& I suspect that’s only because he wants to see me at a local live event that he knows I go to weekly. He’s okay seeing me there. Super receptive that night then POOF, gone again until the next weekly event.
5 yrs sex was fantastic for both of us, then it collapsed to zero… she said: I don’t need it, no initiation at all, made me as an AP feel really bad. It was a huge cold shower from 100% to 0 %… All explanations were so devaluing and humiliating like: It is your problem, not mine. I don’t want it anymore. I asked to fix it, the answer was: I am ok just like this… on top of all DAs torturing behaviors it was like an ugly desert… Now break up… Healing and learning for me.
I’ve been with my partner over 10 years now. We have 2 kids. Since the birth of the second one our sex life stopped. We’ve been intimate 5 times in the last 7.5 years. I’m ready to leave but finding this has given me an understanding of where we’re at. And because of these I’m adapting my approach to her.
My ex DA didn’t even want sex with me even though we are so attracted to each other. Obviously he doesn’t want to be vulnerable. It’s a torture both emotionally and physically with DA because they refuse to give any of these.
This is so helpful, because the DA I'm dating struggles a lot in this area, and I have a pretty secure attachment style, so I try and help as much as I can. I just sent them this video and I hope the conversations become easier. Update: After a year of friendship and 3 months of intentionally dating. We're now in a committed relationship.
Uggh. The DA "intimacy slowdown" is real. Never again. Honestly, I don't know why DAs don't just stick to partnering with other DAs. It would be easier on everybody. They can spend their whole lives happily being as superficial and celibate as they want together and no one else has to suffer the DAs' various peccadilloes. Secure partners only for me from now on. I'm done.
Because DAs prioritize themselves over others as they're in survival mode. Prefers people who prioritize prioritize the DA more than the partner themselves. So... definitely not other DAs, so APs get to suffer the most from this dynamic oh well
I've been struggling emotionally for the past 2 days, haven't been able to sleep, ruminating, and really struggling to find a counselor/therapist. I generally tend to act more FA, but I feel like the past 2 days I've been more AP -- very needy, wanting to call and text EVERYONE with LOTs of text. After talking with my family today I feel a lot better. Since it is SO difficult to find a decent therapist that I can trust, and the PDS youtube channel has been VERY helpful to me in the past with getting past a previous situation with a narcissist. So I've decided I'm finally going to sign up for PDS since it's honestly an incredible value compared to seeing a 1-on-1 life coach. I look forward to joining in on your live weekly webinars, Thais! Thank you for all that you do to help people learn to heal and build a more secure attachment style :)
He's afraid of being suffocated, engulfed, or enmeshed. He doesn't trust his feelings. He also fears the relationship will get boring or argumetative. So, why concede in going forward when the probability won't be favourable.
I think that DAs overintellectualize things... trying to control everything. They need to stop overthinking and just let things unfold, the way life unfolds. We cannot predict the future, so do not quit something because you "think things won't be favorable." No relationship is perfect. Occasional discussions or arguments are normal in all relationships because we are not the same exact human being. We discuss our differences and come to a meeting of the minds. Relationships can become boring if you do not continue to see the new and interesting things that you did not appreciate before in your partner.
Thanks again Personal Development crew. I realized while watching this video that my old partners validated my need to feel desired and that was probably one of the reasons I stayed so long. I’ve been working on my fitness and now I feel beautiful by myself. It doesn’t hurt anymore to discuss this topic.
@@MellowBellow1 I don’t believe that I could’ve felt good without working on my fitness. I felt ok but not good. Working on my physical health has helped me with my mental health. I’m happy with how I was created and I still want to better myself. I do love myself unconditionally. Taking care of myself is an act of self love.
@@ashleyb.8217 taking care of yourself is a really important aspect of self respect, I totally agree. Being well, eating well and sleeping well, even being clean are all aspects of self care and vitally important as a sense of self. Unconditional love means you love yourself enough to grant these things to yourself, no matter how you feel. I love that you’re doing that for yourself. I don’t want you to associate it with being desired though. … there’s a boundary there, which is why I asked. You need to be doing these things for yourself, not for external validation…. Motivation that is internal lasts, whereas motivation that is external doesn’t last.
Married a DA - didn’t know at the time. Once our son was born, I was reduced to straight-sex once a month, during ovulation time; and once that ship sailed I was cut off 100%. Not just actual intercourse, all physical intimacy. Last hug when my dad died in Aug 2019. Been…about 4 years now since last basic-sex encounter. I’ve lost count. Just get lip-service now, and not in a good way 😉 - I mean, excuses and empty promises. She does make nice dinners now, probably to keep pressure off. Would give up HelloFresh meals in a second for her to want closeness and physical intimacy once in a while, like just about everyone else. Have brought this up to her three times now, but it falls on deaf ears. Last time discussed was five months ago - just more lip service. I upgraded her wedding and engagement rings in 2021 because wanted her to have a nice set. That was the reason for rings, yet, I secretly hoped it would bring us closer….or maybe I’d just get sex once, or maybe for a short while : Nope, no such luck. Funny thing is, we get along, but in the way roommates do. Sigh 😔
You mentioned that a DA shuts down when they're feeling pressured for sex due to the partner bringing up about the lack of sexual connection in the relationship. What should an FA (or AP) do in this situation when it feels like endless repeating cycles where the DA briefly opens sexually and then abruptly closes off to their sexual side for long periods, and the FA feels continually triggered by this ongoing lack of depth of connection and feeling unwanted/rejected? How should the FA communicate their need for more regularity and consistency with sex without generating a sense of pressure for the DA? Especially when the same situation keeps repeating in cycles, even leading to the FA deactivating strongly as the lack of sexual connection keeps drawing out longer? An FA might become strongly avoidant and numbed inside, due to an ongoing sense of rejection and feeling unsafe to express their feeling, as it's bound to trigger the DA into further avoidance and drag out the closed off period even longer... And then this may result in a situation where the FA feels trapped in their own deactivation or wanting to give up on the relationship as it can feel hopeless to reach a middle ground. Seems particularly difficult that the DA often gives a sense of great sexual connection during the honeymoon period and creates a baseline expectation for the partner... Before withdrawing immensely once the intimacy sets in. After this, the partner feels they're "chasing the dragon" in hopes of one day returning to a similar level of sexuality as the early stages (within reason given that the honeymoon period will have passed). However there remains a huge gap in the frequency when comparing to the early period. An FA will have such a hard time not attributing great significance to this low frequency and ongoing disconnection from the DA's sexual side as being indicative of a lack of attraction and will be prone to feeling a sense of rejection on a regular basis.
This is really wild to read. I'm an FA male and this is literally how its been going since I met the person two years ago lol down to a T. I even said the last time we spoke "Continuously being rejected leaves it's mark" lmao. As you said, amazing chemistry and connection at the beginning, then it became a game/cycle of push and pull, currently in this same cycle right now. The "wanting to end everything due to inconsistency = low worth/value to them and being unable to find a middle ground" is absurdly spot on. Finding myself using more avoidance strategies than I'd like to admit or even enact to not feel like i'm being rejected constantly lol
@@cammokyle exactly, it gets to be so rough over time. If it's any consolation, it seems that the more you can help the DA to feel safe and understood and loved by you, the cycles can get shorter and shorter over time. Also helps if the DA gains more self awareness of their behaviors and is working to improve the situation... It starts to pick up some momentum. Recommend also practicing expressing your feelings around it in ways that minimize the chance of the DA feeling blamed and triggering their shame wounds, which really shuts the DA down intimacy-wise. I've found that exceedingly difficult to do successfully though lol, but getting better and better over time and trying to follow it up with reassurances and caring. Sometimes I've found it helpful to pose the situation to her in a hypothetical way as if she were experiencing it herself... For example asking to imagine if I didn't try to connect sexually with her for several weeks, what might she feel as time goes on longer and longer? It may help the DA in putting themselves in your shoes compared to cases when it comes off more as blame or about their shortcomings, in which case they'll be more prone to block out the empathy around it and be defensive instead. You also just have to keep cultivating the intimacy and help the DA truly feel safe to be vulnerable with you. Unfortunately DA's also seem particularly prone to becoming closed off to intimacy as a result of things like work stress, but it may help on your end to connect the dots with things like that in order to take it less personally and not as rejection of you, but more about the DA self soothing from those situations. It may drag out over a very long time, but so far in my experience it has been moving slowly in a positive direction, and the cycles of pulling away seem to be getting shorter and shorter as time goes on. On the plus side, I think in an FA/DA relationship, once both partners are self aware and working on it, it can be a unique pairing for both sides healing and growing with one another as both are helping each other to see themselves deeper through their triggering one another, while also having some common ground of understanding regarding the avoidant side of the attachment style. It's rewarding as you both move closer to becoming secure, although I wouldn't say it's a comfortable experience by any means lol. Just keep trying to help the DA appreciate being loved in a way that they didn't have the opportunity to feel when they were young and try to be there for the DA with consistency to cut through their nearly unconscious fear of abandonment. I think over time they'll start to see this and appreciate it and become increasingly open to deeper and deeper intimacy. DA's just seem to take forever to truly trust someone at an intimate level, but it's not hard to see why considering they typically were emotionally neglected by their parents, who were implicitly supposed to be there for them. It feels unfair on the FA side of things... So hard to stay strong and consistent when being triggered and retraumatized on an ongoing basis (especially dealing with the sense of abandonment when you're vulnerable with your emotions and they deactivate intensely by it and seem to not care about you at all in those moments, as if totally apathetic). However, since I wrote that original comment, things have been improving more and more - hope it will for you as well. The biggest piece of advice I have is the part about expressing your feelings in ways that don't come off like shaming / making it out to be the DA's fault, especially if they were trying to do something good for you and feel unseen for it and then judged as not doing more on top of that - those situations always made her shut down and push away the hardest. Rambled on a bit here, but I hope something from it proves helpful.
Yep, happened to me. Set the "standard", then poof. Which to be clear, wasn't an issue, but the complete pull back of all intimacy was. And turned into the continuing "argument", one night she said, oh you want this crazy sex life, I said no, I just want YOU back, the hand holding, the grazes walking by, and yes, some intimacy would be ok too. But really, some, ANY sign you're even still interested, is what I want back. 🤷
My two ex D.A were very uncomfortable with intimacy and having sex.( I concluded they were both sexually abused as a children'). It was robotic and disconnected. Loved them, but had to let both go. Made me too way too stifled , self conscious and cut off from my natural sexual expression. Not for me.
I feel the same way, did you get over them, emotionally I mean, it scares me that it seems no one who leaves their DA's seem to get over them or fully emotionally let go, I want to trust that some day I will feel indifferent about him..
I’m an FA leaning avoidant, and he is a DA…. Before I found this channel my complaints about intimacy was he would finish so fast and then wouldn’t want to go again to take care of my needs, he told me he really thought I had also finished along with him… like sir in 3 mins I’m barely getting comfortable! I would talk all my smack and although he would get mad during that moment when we would see each other again I would see that he would try to fix last week’s issue but it wasn’t enough.. he even mentioned that we should go to an adult store and buy some fun things but when we were going to go… he showed up and I could tell he was grumpy idk if it was something before me or if it was me but we didn’t go to the adult store after all… we spent the night together and we did have a little fun but overall I could tell he was just being a grumpy man like if he was on his period or something smh
Since my anxious attachment is leaning more towards being secure and the fog of limerance is finally gone (due to an amazing sexual attraction and magnetism), I finally understand how it’s possible that my DA literally only wanted to have sex with me once a year. Granted I think once we got too close, he’d flit to someone else (which he probably justified by refusing to make our relationship exclusive) for sex but he never seemed to have a very high sex drive. Often he’d text me and say he fantasized about me all the time and we only lived 20 minutes from each other! I never understood why he’d act as if I were in another country. He told me he fantasized about me daily and always thought about our “interactions” fondly but I didn’t understand at all why he simply didn’t ask me out to resolve this “wistfulness.” I am right here! I’d think. Now I get it. I guess I’m thankful in a way that he didn’t try to have sex with me more often since emotional intimacy was always avoided at all costs. Man was more slippery than an eel. He has an uncanny knack of dodging pertinent questions whilst making you feel guilty for even asking. Everything was light-hearted and you’d realize after parting that you never got the clarity you wanted.
he was living in his own fantasy, thats why they are so stuck in their head and that's why reality always dissapoints them. Nothing can live up to fantasy.
Eeeww sounds more like a narcissist... Leave him in his fantasy and get you someone real ❤️ it's the allure of thinking you can make a difference and change them, but they are a waste of time. I thought I had snagged one of those, but I found that if I just cuddle with him and don't put the emphasis on sex, he opens up and it's amazing. There's a lot of pressure on men about sex because women assume that just because he has an election he should be in the mood for sex or aroused and that's not always the case. I also noticed he'd make an emphasis on lasting long and I just assured him that I appreciate 5 minutes that are intense and experienced fully over an entire night of mindless copulation. Just trying to take whatever in his head off of his shoulders. I have a high sex drive and he just constantly turns me on so it's an exercise in growth for me also to step back and respect the boundaries, but if I didn't get it at all then yeah I'd have to move on, but I've always known how to take care of my own business in that department and I have learned that non sexual intimacy sometimes is the way to go. To appreciate the little things he does show how he cares. He has severe ptsd also and sometimes his anxiety levels are just sky high. I'm not an anxious person but I grew up around anxiety inflicted control freaks with insecurities...as long as he doesn't project his anxiety onto me and he deals with it himself then I'm fine. He tends to need a lot of space and withdraws, but it doesn't affect me that much because I have a busy life style and I keep myself occupied while he goes off and processes things. Another biological aspect that's helped me is the realization that men often pull away after sex because they've excuded their testosterone levels and need to with draw to rebuild testosterone which will recreate the desire again in their system. The part where your guy is flirting with other people is just some childish narc manipulation attempt at triangulation to make you act jealous or to get you to be as insecure as they are. Disregard and dump those mind games. So there's differences with people who have been damaged but try to work on things and people who are just flat out using their condition to manipulate. Not healthy at all.
@@aqua6613 thank you for sharing this. My guy did say this about not being able to “perform” too but I never cared about that either. It was worth it to me to cuddle with him too but he’d always shut down at some point. I wish I had had your ability to just things be the way they were but his sudden emotional disconnect always bothered me when we’d been so affectionate only hours before. Ironically now that I’ve had time to really focus on myself and look at my triggers heads on I realize they were simply beliefs that aren’t even true. My childhood input a lot of this false programming and now that I can see it for what it is (my mother’s own projected fears) I realize I’m not nearly as clingy or anxious as I thought I was. It was HER anxiety indoctrinated into me. He and I haven’t been in contact in awhile but I know had I known then what I know now I could’ve easily given him space every time he couldn’t show up for me emotionally instead of wringing my hands wondering what I’d done wrong. I would have let him have his time and I would’ve gone about my business living life and knowing there are others out there who are ready to match my energy rather than trying to contort myself to match theirs.
Fear of intimacy in avoidants ( kind of like engulfment anxiety they think I have been to intimate I must pull back) in those who don't do the work.I will not get my needs met; I'm defective.
As someone who used to be a strong DA - I can relate to all of these triggers. I used to have a partner who would really bring up when we weren't intimate enough and it would really stress me out and I felt pressured which would push me away even more
@@lifecoachingtoronto I got traumatized and triggered in another relationship to sway more anxious so now I’m more fearful avoidant. However i took the quiz last week and im mostly secure now! While still slightly fearful. This channel and therapy has helped a lot
Actually. … you pushed your partner away because they wanted to discuss sex. They didn’t push you away; they approached you to discuss something really important, and you pushed them away.
My DA ex and were amazing in that department for six and a half years, though the rest of the intimacy was a challenge. She could sleep with me, but the moment she woke up she was gone in a flash. I marked it up as her being busy, but now I see she felt like she was drowning. I wish she would have let me in because I like to think I'm empathic and kind. At seven years, she said she was no longer interested in sex and wanted to focus that energy on other things. I had few boundaries with her, but going into the friend zone was one of them. It's been four months in no contact - our longest stretch as she has always jumped in and out of the relationship. This time feels different and it breaks my heart. I want good things for her, even if I'm not the one giving them to her. I have been angry, frustrated, and depressed, but I know DA's don't wake up with plans to be cold and heartless. It's hardwired into their nervous systems. I feel strongly that they would rather not feel so conflicted. Mine is an excellent person.
What I found so confusing was that when I met my DA, she told me how much she LOVED sex and we had like 🔥 attraction to each other. However, I always felt, even from the beginning, that she would never create the space for sex. I had to like ask her to go upstairs. As our relationship went on and our intimacy “deepened,” our sex life began to taper off. She started telling me how much she wanted me but then would just turn the TV on when we got into bed. Finally, when I asked her why she was consistently telling me how much she is attracted to me and wanted to make love with me but then was turning the TV on at night, oh man, what Thais said. There was like hardly any sex and trying to talk about it left me without sex even more than before!!! It was awful. In the end, we were having sex again, but it was like she couldn’t spend any amount of time enjoying it. It felt like a transaction at that point which was really sad, because our attraction to each other remained strong. It was very painful and very confusing for me.
Yup so true. I asked my DA about Sex . Just asking if everything was okay as she started to seem distant. That started the beginning of the end. she perceived my questions as attacking and it was over.
Maybe this is in the program. I’d like to see more Feminine ways to call people forward. Loose the pressure. So you can say what you want. Without this person being triggered. Working with Adrienne Everhart stuff right now. Maybe you can have her as a guest speaker on here. Love you Thais. People from the comments need help with their DAs I can see. I’m so in love with mine.
Just recently I stumbled over the term DA and it explained everything about my 25 yrs long wife behavior! I kept feeling I’m a butterfly that gets burned every time it tries to get near the light bulb! I love her n n our kids and I’ll try apply DA attachments advises.
Woah....this, this happened exactly. Around the 2 year mark it dropped off, almost completely. I would bring it up, and she'd say well i don't know, I'm just not feeling sexual at all. And at that time was the longest relationship she'd ever had, and even said, i dont know what's going on ive always been really sexual. After all the videos ive watched from this channel on DA, this just all lines up so well. And all makes so much more sense, i struggled a long time, 3 years after that not knowing, and feeling completely devoid of my confidence, but this all makes me feel so much less frustration and anger about it, and her actions.
My ex DA told me that perhaps I was sexually abused and I associate sex with love. That hurt me so badly. When we first got together he wanted me all the time, then it changed.
My problem as a DA is not being relaxed enough to allow my partner to give me an orgasm…….. that is such a vulnerable thing for me……. I feel like it help me to control my emotions of not getting too far gone/head over heels.
Can you explain that if she says: "I feel so safe with you that I can actually climax" and we have the most amazing sex together. Passion, intense and filled with affection. Then 6 months later there is just a text "we could be just friends" with no follow up for 4 months until I see her and she acts like I am a stranger.
I'm an FA and I think I feel this way too... subconsciously... I am afraid because I already might care sooooo much, I would really connect and then what if they leave? I feel I would be feeling kind of devastated.
Like seriously this seems impossible to get remedied. 2 kids in and my wife has shutdown. Her behavior is so destructive rn and I’m trying to keep this family together. So frustrating
13 years marriage, two children of our own and a stepchild I raised from 4...I went through years of every basic trait of a DA. I was beat down and thought It was failure on my part. Sex once a month that took a week to work up to. When it was brought up as an issue I was gaslit. Once I made some changes, did some therapy and started focusing on a positive life and my kids, she completely detached from us. She tested DA when we went through an intense three day marriage program and that set her off. She could not handle that there was something wrong with her. Refused all support and attempts to get help afterwards. She wanted "freedom" and she got it. Divorced, sold her/ our "dream house", moved the kids to a different school, etc. She is a "strong, Independent woman" hanging with a new group of friends she met in the local bar scene, while at the same not dating (not the right men around- vulnerability) and posting on Facebook about soulmates and not accepting less than you should. 48 years old with three kids at home and two failed marriages, but she is going to find her soulmate and told me she is going to be completely open this time! I would have done anything to help, but now I just pray/ wish her the best. Her wounds are deep, she can't see it, and I am moving forward feeling pretty healed. If you want to save it, you have to get help/ therapy Now ! otherwise you need to start planning your exit.
Interesting enough. My wife is willing to do the work. It’s been a very slow and frustrating process but there’s hope if they try. The issue is trying to get them to see it. Because they’re going to just shutdown when you tell them
3 months into the relationship I addressed him about the lack to which he replied: What? You want to get fucked? I froze! He had never talked like that and when I brought it up later he apologized. That should have been a red flag.
DAs are treated like victims, when they are actually abusive. My ex said all sorts of nasty and self esteeming breaking things to me, just because he didn't want to be intimate with me. I was too hairy, then too clean shaven. I didn't initiate enough, then I shouldn't initiate at all. I'm too desperate, then I don't try to please him enough. It was a rollercoaster ride. He played sick games with my mind and feelings. I've got no compassion for DAs. To me, they are just as terrible as narcissists.
like you said, narcissists. Not necessarily DA's. People are so quick to lump them together like they're the same thing - THEY'RE NOT. Just because you chose the wrong partner and chose to deal with their treatment toward you, don't disparage a whole group of people because of it.
What you’re describing is an abusive relationship which has nothing to do with him being a DA it’s because he’s a bad person. Being a DA does not mean being purposefully verbally abusive to their partners just because they find intimacy hard!
Hello Thais! My boyfriend is a DA, 52 years old and has erectile disfunction that he believes is due to his heart disease. We haven't had any sexual intimacy at all since last summer (2021). Both of his parents passed away that same summer and, as you can imagine, it was a very difficult time for him. I did not ask for sex or ask him to work on it, visit a doctor again, etc. because I knew it wasn't a good time for him. Last month we had a very brief conversation about it where I asked if we could talk about it and maybe begin to work on having more physical intimacy. I feel like starting there would be a good start, then maybe eventually we can work into sexual intimacy. He agreed he wanted to have a conversation too, but never committed to a time that we could talk. I don't want to pressure him and I'm not willing to give up on our intimacy or a sexual relationship. I feel like he's just given up on getting erections and that has just shut him down completely. It's almost like if he can't get an erection then he doesn't want anything sexual. One day he said, "Why start what i can't finish?" Previous to last summer we talked about it pretty openly between the two of us and he saw a couple doctors and we were working on it. Now It's my perception that he thinks if he can't have full pleasure and orgasm, that sex isn't worth it and that my pleasure isn't considered. I'm sooo frustrated and don't know where to go from here. We're basically roommates at this point and that makes me sad. Any advice? Thanks in advance!
I dated a guy who is much younger and he definitely struggled with ED; however, he has no idea that his anxiety/lack of emotional release/stress as a DA is probably the biggest culprit. It's not you. I wish you joy and peace.
Ask your boyfriend for what you want. Say it in a positive way. Say you want him to do those things with you. Tell him that you want to be “with” him and sexually intimate in any way that creates orgasm for you. Don’t criticise, but say what you want him to do for you.
So I recognize all this in my da partner. I feel bad for him but through all my compassion, he doesn’t take any steps to fix it. How can I move him forward?
I'm in the same boat Shana. I'm married to this person and finally after working on my own wounds I have recognized it in him. He is so afraid of change or learning or working together as a team that he'd rather be alone than join us. Yet he wants me to continue to engage him when he has no interest in me or my life.
You cannot fix or save him, unfortunately. It is not your job and it shouldn't be, if he is not willing to work on himself and heal he won't change. No matter how understanding and loving you are towards him.
the only thing you can do is to become as SA as possible. This will make things easier for both of you. But obviously neither AP nor SA will ever be 100% satisfied with a relationship to a DA. You'll just have to make a choice to either tolerate this longterm dissatisfaction or not. As SA things will get better, but never 100%.
All you can do is turn him on to what he is. I felt something was wrong, but didn't know what. Didn't know how to work on it. Stumbled on these vids & it's helped a lot.
When DAs feel you like them more than they like you, sex could be a way to make up to you. However if DAs feel they like you more than you like them, even though it’s not the case, they will hold off sex to avoid being more vulnerable. Of course, there are times they just don’t feel connected with you. Then no sex either
yes, I would assume so. I and another DA male I know has used sex in replacement of needing emotional connection but not wanting to be vulnerable. We weren’t sex addicts by any means however.
I dunno. I had the most sex and partners when I was extremely clear with them that this was all it was about. It didn't matter what I did or did not feel. I was free to perform or not and make jokes about it cuz ultimately I dgaf what they thought. Kick me to the curb lol IDGAF. With my wife I fucking care. And somehow that makes things full of pressure. It's so stupid and exhausting.
I would really love to see a video discussing where both partners feel too vulnerable around sex to the point where there has been no sex at all ever during the relationship. I’m an FA who wanted to take things slow in the beginning dating a DA who prefers me to initiate, and we both haven’t been with a lot of people from what I understand, due to coming out later in life. I am finally at the point where I want to progress things but I’m afraid I’ll scare my DA partner off, and the vulnerability aspect still terrifies me as well.
Could a man's core wounds be a result of being left by a long-term spouse? As opposed to being specifically a childhood trauma? Ex. High school sweethearts and together for 15 yrs. A brief backstory: I met a great guy who is new to the dating scene after his divorce. We have a great connection, talk about everything and have lots of laughs. After a couple of weeks we did sleep together and it just felt different, more intimate, than it normally does the first time with someone. Immediately after though, he seemed different and a little detached. We still talk but he said that after that night, he doesn't think he's ready to be in a relationship yet. Said he's scared to really care about someone in that way again and said that it isn't fair to me based on what he's feeling. He has said a lot more than that, lots of context, but I'm trying to consolidate it on this post. Initially, I just thought it was a line, to protect my feelings and let me down easy, but I think it's more than that. Your perspective on this would be so appreciated. I'm so confused 😕
Gosh, met a guy like that...wife cheated with his best friend and left him for that friend and took his two kids. All that was so fresh that he had to use viagra to maintain an erection. Wasn't like he wasn't trying...but his confidence was so shook up and he went off to become kind of a manwhore to prop up his ego with conquests etc. We didn't date for long, but I saw enough to stay away from those types. Best to find someone healthy healed and available instead of being a guinea pig and getting invested only to find out it was a waste of time. Everybody makes mistakes like that, but when a man rejects you the first time for whatever reason...believe him. It's not going to get any better.
It sounds like this man was still in the grieving process over his last relationship. He may have been emotional unavailable because he still needs to do a lot of work before he's ready for a new relationship.
Been there with a ex DA girlfriend. It such a shame and I now agree with people who have dated DA's but... walk away. Your self worth and self esteem are way way to important to let someone head you down a dark road. My self esteem was high when I started dating her, soon.... it dimished, felt like on egg shells, couldnt talk to her as got blunt answers. Before you know it... you think its you... but its not. Be careful.
Never doubt yourself I have experienced the same thing it's not us. They soon get angry when we're seen by other men and push back hard. Walk away you deserve better.
My partner and I are 83 and altho he has ED we have gotten creative and now both of us achieve orgasm during lovemaking-just not the former way! It’s still very intimate and fulfilling for both of us.
I have a question for any DA's in this chat. How do you DA's feel about open relationships most of the time? Because it seems like the attraction and love is still there, they just pull away from sex. How do DA's handle knowing their partner is sexually attracted or active with someone else?
I know I'm a DA, I try but I've had tons of peoples leave me! I've been bullied all my life for xyz so I know but for me, my friends and boyfriends have to show Vulnerability first! And apparently I'm a very good listener. Because I don't mind people talking to me about their issues. I'm almost like they're therapist for free😂🤣 cause I don't say a darn thing 90% of the time,. I just listen but when it's my turn its very short and vague but I've always noticed everybody wants to talk about their issue in their problem. So I just let them! But im bery loyal and i will show up if you need help! Family and close friends i will go beyond the moon for you but hurt me once thats it! I just had a close friends that decide to no longer to be my friend and idk why, he didnt tell me and we werent boyfriends/girlfriend we were friends, well i thought so
My DA Ex used to say that there was no chase and he equated that to not being interested. He said that he thought his lack of desire meant that it wasn’t a match… We were best friends to within our relationship and it makes me really sad that he would get in his head like that considering we had a fantastic relationship otherwise outside of the vulnerability of intimate partners. Any tips or advice on how to help get them out of that headspace where they think that the lack of desire means they’re not interested instead of it just being their attachment style?
He should go to therapy and you should go no contact. Believe me he will run. But “organic” no contact where you will use the time to work on your self, not just for getting him to chase after you. One of three things will happen, or you will get healed enough that you will not be attracted to him and that dynamic anymore, you would mean someone new in the meantime or you will go back together when you are both in much healthier place. That happened to me and my bf, broken up for a year, now stronger than ever 🙏🏽 Good luck to you!
@@drsalka thank you 🤗 I want to add too, it might be helpful for someone, and it helps me repeat for myself 😅 from time to time: if he wants to he will!!!! That being- if he wants to be with you, he will sure as hell let you know, if he wants to cheat, he will, no amount of you checking up on him will stop him, if he wants to behave in any way, he will. We might as well let them be. And let it be. Relax, detach from the outcome, it all comes to a right place ✨✨✨
@@tequilabumbum4373 thank you for your comment! It’s always nice to hear happy outcomes! Unfortunately he “doesn’t believe” in therapy (eyeroll…) and this isn’t our first go around. We did get back after some time and growth apart after our first go, but you’re right - I actually say they same thing to myself haha it’s perfect for when you’re frustrated/annoyed but also hopeful “if he wants to he will!” So who knows where our journey will take us but I am starting to get back out there and work on myself more as well thank you again for the words of encouragement!!
I was leaning DA when younger, the sexual intimacy in relationships was no problem until the last months of the relationships..it was like my body slowly shut down and I didn't have an explanation for it. Turns out that I was really stressed at work (approaching burnout level..) and my fiancé did NOTHING and saw NOTHING he only complained about the lesser sex we were having.. I worked 12 hours a day, he was in grad school still.. and during the second relationship my father had cancer and then died, so yeah, not very fun or motivated for sex. Again.. my partner didn't took that in consideration. What I am saying is that the avoidance comes also from unmet needs and being ignored as a WHOLE person by the anxious partner. Who was the selfish one here?...
Why are you in an “intimate” relationship if sex is off the table. Those are friends. Men don’t want to be friends. Even the men you think are friends are only keeping you as a friend in case things line up right that they can smash. Withholding sex for long periods of time from your partner is mean.
I think you needed to tell your partner why you weren’t feeling up to sex. All of us can get caught up with your personal life and problems. I think it’s best to explain why you have withdrew from intimacy. And you don’t know how to get back. Taking it slow and grieving your loss will help.
U should explained or express your emotions on what ur going thru so that way ur partner can understand where ur coming from instead of bottling up ur emotions and think ur partner can read ur thoughts
Weve known each other for 1 year. We stopped having sex for months now AFTER HE (the DA) started getting attatched. Actually told me, he doesnt JUST want me for sex... im confused. But didnt want to push the conversation
I personally don't do relationships at all because the idea of sex in real life and not in my mind makes me feel disgusting, not disgusted, disgusting, it's like on the most fundamental level I want my sexuality to be mine, and I am not disgusted by my own body or by being sexual with myself, I guess you can call me an extreme DA, I've been feeling like this since I was a child because that's when some stuff happened.
idk i just feel so dirty thinking about it and people who do like it i just will lose respect for them too that's why i decided to just not be with anyone not even friendships i don't even want that i want boundaries with people now like just work
Is there a difference between male and females DA's when it comes to sex? Dated a suspected DA for 4 months and there was never any intimacy, even at the start.
My bf is a da with fa tendencies, a mix. The times we have sex he ( not to say too much info or gross anyone out) but ejaculates and other times he stops in the middle of sex and doesn’t. I ask him if it’s me or my body. And he says no it’s not. That im being stupid, but not in a mean way. And says it with certainty it’s not me. So I’m confused. And right now he hasn’t talked to me in awhile. But nothing to do with that day. Idk if he’s shutting down. We’ve been together for a long time. He’s unaware he’s a da fa, but has made some progress in changes of expressing him self and putting effort. There’s more, but that’s what’s happening now. I need answers. Also I’m a ap with fa tendencies a bit but trying to lean secure.
That’s awesome you are awesome and beautiful you have a great heart 💜 you have a beautiful feeling;s so you can do anything you want to feel and love your life and love your kindness 🥰😘😍😉😉☺️😊😇🙂🙃😆😁😄😀😀
She never had issue with me when it comes sex bc i always give it and praised her that I'm enjoying her. She makes me very happy. Even though our relationship went over a year. We both had no problems with our sex life. But she breakup with me over selfish reasons when I demanded her to communicate with me if she isn't coming to see me or not. She got mad end the relationship and later cheated with her ex. while we still had feeling for each other's and still texting each other thought she might need a space. She did got sexual with ex so quick that's why it hurt me the most and traumatized me. She was very sexual women. Felt like she has sex addiction can't controlled. Even her ex was a married old guy really surprised what kind of guy she is having sex with and why getting into triangle relationship maybe this girl has absolutely no self-worth whatsoever. Prior to breakup I has no clue she was DA or know anything about DA behaviors. Due to dopamine and oxytocin DA can become sex addicts bc that's what helps them to deal with anxiety and stress. Especially DA never received love and affection in childhood. This is why they are starving for love and physical connections.
Im the DA. Found husband with porn, stepped back...waaaayyy back. Criticized how often we had sex....step back. You should do it like this.....jump back. Now he cannot understand WHY I am not interested in sex. I feel like I'm on an island..alone. I run from hugs, kissinhg any type of intimacy.
Sounds like you created that situation yourself. There were mature and rational options for handling that available, like talking to the guy, instead of shaming and disconnecting.
That sucks Kimberly. I can promise your partner feels the same. Instead of stepping back, take action. Communicate your needs and boundaries with your partner. Both will be miserable until this happens.
Well, my ex husband started lecturing and preaching at me about sex, so I gave in. He turned me over and fucked me like an animal. That was 32 years ago and I left him immediately afterwards. I’ll never get myself trapped in a relationship again. He’s now divorced again after a second marriage and 2 affairs.
"I guess I'm not attracted to you." That's what my DA ex from last Spring said to me after we were moving toward more emotional intimacy and after we made a commitment at the 3.5 months of dating mark. He was sex avoidant on top of the DA issues which were going completely unaddressed and unresolved. I truly feel I tried to talk about it gently, at his pace, etc. etc. Bottom line, an inability to communicate with my partner, especially about something as important as sex, was a deal breaker and I dumped him. I found PDS as a severely anxious preoccupied attached person with FA tendencies a couple of years ago and am proud to say I moved to earned secure. Dumping a DA unwilling to do any work on himself after 4 months was a huge step for me. My last relationship was sexless and with a DA... and I stayed in that one for 4 years. While I feel for DAs when their core wounds come online... I will never again forgo my own needs to move at their glacial emotional, physical, and spiritual pace. I guess I'd feel worse saying this as I know criticism (real or perceived) for DAs is really tough... but in my experience, they have had no problem flaw finding in me, which alleviates the mild guilt arising connected to the fact that, I may be hurting someone's feelings out there, (if I am, it is unintentional). I offer this comment as feedback, not criticism. DAs, if you're really worried about being perceived as weak, the antidote is to lean into courage... which means leaning into vulnerability and finding a skilled, licensed therapist to help you sort through your issues. Blaming the partner for "needing too much," or copping out behind, "I just can't meet their needs,"... those are the behaviors of an emotionally feeble individual. You may not be a coward... but when you behave like that, dear DAs, you are definitely wearing a coward's outfit.
Just out of curiosity, when you say your last relationship was sexless, had you ever had sex with your partner at all or were they completely sex avoidant to the point where you never had sex ever?
Yeah, seriously just do the work to heal yourself and then stick to only secure partners from now on. This shit just isn't worth it.
Omg I’m not alone and crazy!!! Same with me!! But 6 months, sexless relationship. I felt so broken and unwanted..
You are not alone. "You just don't have the body type I'm attracted to" was my ex's go-to. Meanwhile he hit on every woman of every size and shape while we were together for 2.5 years. I stayed, knowing it wasn't about me, and because I saw the sweetness in him, but in the end, my ex couldn't get over how defective he saw himself as, and never worked on his insecurities, or alone admitting he had them. So I was his punching bag. I stayed, knowing I was taking hits I didn't deserve, and he kept acting out with his emotional tantrums because it was easier than getting real with himself about his baggage he was tossing on the floor of our relationship - not even with hopes that I'd clean it up for him, but as if it would go away on its own if just left there dumpeddown and untouched. It's hard being with a DA.
He was my best companion, even with all the b.s. that came with his issues he refused to work on (or did at a chained up snail's pace while constantly playing the victim and saying things like "I'll never change fast enough for you", when not even trying to understand my needs, and while not being given a timeline from my end), and I do miss him terribly from time to time, but more importantly, I miss the me that I lost when pushing myself to the sidelines to try to put him first long enough that he'd feel safer to be someone's partner.
I'm on the road to recovering, but it's not linear. I was an FA leaning AA after all the gas lighting and cheating he put out in our relationship. I definitely have a lot of patterns about men I'm working to move on from (especially as my 38 year old retired police officer ex was trying to hook up with 19 year olds according to messages I found in his phone 🤢. I was horrified with who he had became and so proud of the young women who were secure enough to not engage with him). I just have to remember that his insecurities aren't my burden to work on. I'm worried how this has changed me; if I'm becoming more avoidant myself now. I struggle to find the good in what I learned with him. It's only lessons I educated myself on I can take away. Like "don't be so giving to the ones you love." This is where I'm at after dating a DA, and dealing with emotional abuse that I still feel embarrassed, as a strong, independent woman, as I kept chasing to stay for the hope of a future he was never willing to genuinely build with me. Good luck on your journey to healing. I hope everyone who's still reading this gives themselves the love they deserve.
Standing ovation for this comment. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
My DA is now telling me he loves me and our sex life is wonderful. It went walkabout 3 months into our relationship but came back gradually as i gave him reassurance. Going on 2 years now!
How did you give reassurance?
Devastation….porn, sex addiction, cheating, pathological lying….one can only try for so long. A DA has to want to heal…when they don’t, the ramifications are unimaginable. Thank you Thais for helping us understand. Too late for some, but hopefully not too late for others. 😔
I think y'all keep stating this, and she has to keep restating that one should only try with people who have identified their insecure attachments and are willing to work on them.
What I have learned as a result of dealing with a person who seems to fit the DA profile is that people can be/are oftentimes complex creatures carrying very old emotional wounds very deep inside themselves.
And for those of us schooled enough in our own attachment style as well as that of our partner we know enough to approach conversations of a possibly inflamatory nature with patience, calm, and lots of empathy for their pain however real or perceived it may be.
These kinds of conversations should often be entered into obliquely and almost never head-on because the territory of their pain should be considered holy ground, a sacred space.
This is what I have learned from my own study of attachment style(s) and disorders.
I hope you (the reader) find something of value in what I have written.
@@raularmas317 This view is so important. Thank you for voicing it. I feel as if I'm entrusted with a precious, priceless treasure. The toughest part for me is figuring out how to take care of me. I was dealing with someone who I think is not completely aware of the whys of their behavior. We are on a long break and I'm able to see aspects of his life from a distance. Its eye opening, affirming and allowed me to take a closer look at my relationship insecurities. I am secure, but found myself becoming anxious as I was trying to figure out what was taking place between us. I'm very glad and thankful that I took the time to research and delve into attachment styles.
So true! Unfortunately, DAs that are in denial and don’t do any work, ruin the lives of committed long term partners 😢
Preach
Truth!
which is why my ex will not get my forgiveness. i showed her what was the core of her behaviour, she saw how much it hurt me, but she refused any work on herself and showed me zero empathy, so i left a few weeks ago feeling devastated.
100 correct
Yes I just broke up with him after 1 year and half
"I just can't meet your needs" was how my ex DA dumped me. Followed by "I'm not feeling it".
At least he told you something.
I’m the SA. Wife is the DA. Married 10 years now (no2 for both of us) First 5 years ok then the slow rollback of sex. Excuses at first, then when I approach to discuss, accused of pressure and neediness, whowe! I don’t feel any less, I just want to be intimate and have sex with the woman I love. Sure, I could go it alone, but why? Being connected is so much better improving the quality of life. Didn’t understand what was happening, especially since it was “ok” for 5-6 years (I look back now in hindsight and there were signs) Learned about DA, that’s it. I love her. Superficially we are a great couple. When we do have sex every 3-4 months now (the planets align just so) she is a dead fish, detached, distracted, and disinterested. A lot of work for 5 minutes of fireworks! I’m getting my ducks in a row. I didn’t sign up to be a monk, especially since she set a very good intimate and sexual expectation tone for me early on (5 years). So sad…
We hear you Marty! And you're not alone. That's my "wife" of 20-years and me. I won't leave my three kid's.. 😔🙏
Quite honestly, by the end of the relationship with my avoidant ex I felt like he was utterly repulsed by me. 😢 It’s all the more confusing because in the first few months after we first got together we were all over each other, sex was amazing, our connection was deep and meaningful. I couldn’t believe my luck. And then….. nothing. He pulled up the drawbridge and henceforth trying to get him to as much as say a kind word to me was like getting blood out a stone.
I totally understand this! My ex DA and I had a great sex life and emotional connection....so I thought. Until it got too close for comfort and he stated he's not in love and there is no point in continuing. All in a breakup text that blindsided me and I had no idea was coming after 7 months of things being really good on every level. I assume he was triggered by the connection getting stronger.. since we weren't even fighting when he ended it😔
Totally can relate, sex was taken away after 1 year of a three year relationship. It's devastating and makes you feel unattractive
@@Alphacentauri819 yes, you are so right. It’s taken me learning all about attachment theory to fully appreciate this. Sadly, when I was in the relationship I was completely unaware this was what we were dealing with. Had I known, things might have been different. Anyway, forewarned is forearmed, and I now feel a lot more prepared for any future relationships. Life is a lesson.
@@adoptioncorner1984 It certainly does. Very important to remember (as hard as it is) not to take their behaviour personally. They are acting out of their fearbrain and letting their trauma response dictate their actions. They trigger themselves, it’s nothing to do with you other than you being the poor person on the receiving end of it.
@@Zen4life- Yes! My ex was FA leaning DA, and we never argued or fought. I (as a SA) figured this was a positive thing, but he seemed perturbed by it and would frequently throw it back at me almost as an accusation. Go figure.
Yes. Male DA & trying to work through all of this. Always outside of myself. Sometimes feel like a woman written for a 90s sitcom who seldom wants sex. Trying not to dwell on what's wrong, happy there are resources to help me get it right.
Best wishes
I've noticed some DAs are very into control around physical intimacy. The DA I was seeing would also not do things to make me comfortable. He was so disconnected with his own feelings he couldn't read what made me feel good. At one point he hurt me after I asked him to stop doing something specific (stop twisting my n****les because I'm sensitive). I screamed in pain and he was apologetic but he kept doing it when he was caught up in the moment. I realized he wasn't safe for me and I'm now out of that relationship.
I'm starting to recognize that things that make avoidants more avoidant are things that make us all more avoidant. Like feeling trapped and criticized.
But there is a huge difference between FEELING trapped and criticised and actually being trapped and criticised. …. If you’re triggered to feel a huge feeling when the event is benign, you wreak havoc on a healthy relationship.
@@MellowBellow1 ,
True, true. 👍
🍻|🥂
How about acting like an avoidant personality type when someone overwhelms you with emotions or communicates you're unacceptable until you conform to my idea of who you should be.
I've found those very triggering as well.
@@raularmas317 but if someone is forcing you to conform, then that’s not the same as them being overwhelmed with emotion. No one can force you to conform. If THEY are overwhelmed with emotion then you can empathise and co-regulate or self soothe. If you are overwhelmed with emotion and you demand someone soothe you without some kind of consent to that, it can be a boundary cross. You can ask to be soothed. But no one else is obliged to soothe you. …. If you’re overwhelmed, it can push the other person away. …
@@raularmas317 the avoidant has to learn to “come towards” and the anxious has to learn to “back off” so the dance remains on the dance floor.
After years of this 'experience' (not really a relationship) i am fit for a monastery. My DA brought me closer to God, to chastity, which is surprising, i only ever wanted a family and marriage... and here we are, i found Jesus, thanks to the immense pain, hurt, rejection that lasted years. I am actually in a very good place now 🙏👑
Wow! This is spot on…my DA was most vulnerable during sex. He’d always want me to talk during the act. I could “get away” with saying certain things then, that I couldn’t get away with outside of sex.
I also brought up that it’s the only time we have more than surface levels convos.
The last time we were intimate, he told me he needed help being vulnerable. Then the sex and communication vanished.
No more sex and only calling once per week…& I suspect that’s only because he wants to see me at a local live event that he knows I go to weekly. He’s okay seeing me there. Super receptive that night then POOF, gone again until the next weekly event.
5 yrs sex was fantastic for both of us, then it collapsed to zero… she said: I don’t need it, no initiation at all, made me as an AP feel really bad. It was a huge cold shower from 100% to 0 %… All explanations were so devaluing and humiliating like: It is your problem, not mine. I don’t want it anymore. I asked to fix it, the answer was: I am ok just like this… on top of all DAs torturing behaviors it was like an ugly desert… Now break up… Healing and learning for me.
I’ve been with my partner over 10 years now. We have 2 kids. Since the birth of the second one our sex life stopped. We’ve been intimate 5 times in the last 7.5 years. I’m ready to leave but finding this has given me an understanding of where we’re at. And because of these I’m adapting my approach to her.
That's normal. Seeking the honeymoon phase is chasing dragons.
She's great at explaining the behaviors of the DA. How does the DA handle those situations and resolve them?
i'm really liking the addition of chapters in the new videos.
My ex DA didn’t even want sex with me even though we are so attracted to each other. Obviously he doesn’t want to be vulnerable. It’s a torture both emotionally and physically with DA because they refuse to give any of these.
Same here but in the studies it states that they would rather have sex with a stranger or a hook up then their partner.
@@sheliasmith2884 that’s right. DAs would rather have sex with someone they don’t like/ attach to
This is so helpful, because the DA I'm dating struggles a lot in this area, and I have a pretty secure attachment style, so I try and help as much as I can. I just sent them this video and I hope the conversations become easier.
Update: After a year of friendship and 3 months of intentionally dating. We're now in a committed relationship.
let us know what happens in a year
Uggh. The DA "intimacy slowdown" is real. Never again. Honestly, I don't know why DAs don't just stick to partnering with other DAs. It would be easier on everybody. They can spend their whole lives happily being as superficial and celibate as they want together and no one else has to suffer the DAs' various peccadilloes. Secure partners only for me from now on. I'm done.
:)
Because DA’s don’t stick
Because DAs prioritize themselves over others as they're in survival mode. Prefers people who prioritize prioritize the DA more than the partner themselves. So... definitely not other DAs, so APs get to suffer the most from this dynamic oh well
@@gordonh2223 💯
Or maybe you could just learn to be able to thrive on your own and not have to rely on others to lead a fulfilling life.
I've been struggling emotionally for the past 2 days, haven't been able to sleep, ruminating, and really struggling to find a counselor/therapist. I generally tend to act more FA, but I feel like the past 2 days I've been more AP -- very needy, wanting to call and text EVERYONE with LOTs of text. After talking with my family today I feel a lot better. Since it is SO difficult to find a decent therapist that I can trust, and the PDS youtube channel has been VERY helpful to me in the past with getting past a previous situation with a narcissist. So I've decided I'm finally going to sign up for PDS since it's honestly an incredible value compared to seeing a 1-on-1 life coach. I look forward to joining in on your live weekly webinars, Thais! Thank you for all that you do to help people learn to heal and build a more secure attachment style :)
Hey Steve, I think I feel this way all the time. Thank you for sharing what you were feeling.... I think I am going to pay for this also.
He's afraid of being suffocated, engulfed, or enmeshed. He doesn't trust his feelings. He also fears the relationship will get boring or argumetative. So, why concede in going forward when the probability won't be favourable.
I think that DAs overintellectualize things... trying to control everything. They need to stop overthinking and just let things unfold, the way life unfolds. We cannot predict the future, so do not quit something because you "think things won't be favorable." No relationship is perfect. Occasional discussions or arguments are normal in all relationships because we are not the same exact human being. We discuss our differences and come to a meeting of the minds. Relationships can become boring if you do not continue to see the new and interesting things that you did not appreciate before in your partner.
Thanks again Personal Development crew. I realized while watching this video that my old partners validated my need to feel desired and that was probably one of the reasons I stayed so long. I’ve been working on my fitness and now I feel beautiful by myself. It doesn’t hurt anymore to discuss this topic.
I wonder if you could feel good without working on your fitness? Being happy to be just how you are? Unconditional love ?
@@MellowBellow1 I don’t believe that I could’ve felt good without working on my fitness. I felt ok but not good. Working on my physical health has helped me with my mental health. I’m happy with how I was created and I still want to better myself. I do love myself unconditionally. Taking care of myself is an act of self love.
@@ashleyb.8217 taking care of yourself is a really important aspect of self respect, I totally agree. Being well, eating well and sleeping well, even being clean are all aspects of self care and vitally important as a sense of self. Unconditional love means you love yourself enough to grant these things to yourself, no matter how you feel. I love that you’re doing that for yourself. I don’t want you to associate it with being desired though. … there’s a boundary there, which is why I asked. You need to be doing these things for yourself, not for external validation…. Motivation that is internal lasts, whereas motivation that is external doesn’t last.
Married a DA - didn’t know at the time. Once our son was born, I was reduced to straight-sex once a month, during ovulation time; and once that ship sailed I was cut off 100%. Not just actual intercourse, all physical intimacy. Last hug when my dad died in Aug 2019. Been…about 4 years now since last basic-sex encounter. I’ve lost count. Just get lip-service now, and not in a good way 😉 - I mean, excuses and empty promises. She does make nice dinners now, probably to keep pressure off. Would give up HelloFresh meals in a second for her to want closeness and physical intimacy once in a while, like just about everyone else.
Have brought this up to her three times now, but it falls on deaf ears. Last time discussed was five months ago - just more lip service. I upgraded her wedding and engagement rings in 2021 because wanted her to have a nice set. That was the reason for rings, yet, I secretly hoped it would bring us closer….or maybe I’d just get sex once, or maybe for a short while : Nope, no such luck. Funny thing is, we get along, but in the way roommates do. Sigh 😔
Divorce!!!!
4 years no sex? Why are you still there?
it's not always subconscious.
someone can maintain full awareness while acting this dynamic repeatedly
You mentioned that a DA shuts down when they're feeling pressured for sex due to the partner bringing up about the lack of sexual connection in the relationship. What should an FA (or AP) do in this situation when it feels like endless repeating cycles where the DA briefly opens sexually and then abruptly closes off to their sexual side for long periods, and the FA feels continually triggered by this ongoing lack of depth of connection and feeling unwanted/rejected? How should the FA communicate their need for more regularity and consistency with sex without generating a sense of pressure for the DA? Especially when the same situation keeps repeating in cycles, even leading to the FA deactivating strongly as the lack of sexual connection keeps drawing out longer? An FA might become strongly avoidant and numbed inside, due to an ongoing sense of rejection and feeling unsafe to express their feeling, as it's bound to trigger the DA into further avoidance and drag out the closed off period even longer... And then this may result in a situation where the FA feels trapped in their own deactivation or wanting to give up on the relationship as it can feel hopeless to reach a middle ground. Seems particularly difficult that the DA often gives a sense of great sexual connection during the honeymoon period and creates a baseline expectation for the partner... Before withdrawing immensely once the intimacy sets in. After this, the partner feels they're "chasing the dragon" in hopes of one day returning to a similar level of sexuality as the early stages (within reason given that the honeymoon period will have passed). However there remains a huge gap in the frequency when comparing to the early period. An FA will have such a hard time not attributing great significance to this low frequency and ongoing disconnection from the DA's sexual side as being indicative of a lack of attraction and will be prone to feeling a sense of rejection on a regular basis.
This is really wild to read. I'm an FA male and this is literally how its been going since I met the person two years ago lol down to a T. I even said the last time we spoke "Continuously being rejected leaves it's mark" lmao. As you said, amazing chemistry and connection at the beginning, then it became a game/cycle of push and pull, currently in this same cycle right now. The "wanting to end everything due to inconsistency = low worth/value to them and being unable to find a middle ground" is absurdly spot on. Finding myself using more avoidance strategies than I'd like to admit or even enact to not feel like i'm being rejected constantly lol
@@cammokyle exactly, it gets to be so rough over time. If it's any consolation, it seems that the more you can help the DA to feel safe and understood and loved by you, the cycles can get shorter and shorter over time. Also helps if the DA gains more self awareness of their behaviors and is working to improve the situation... It starts to pick up some momentum. Recommend also practicing expressing your feelings around it in ways that minimize the chance of the DA feeling blamed and triggering their shame wounds, which really shuts the DA down intimacy-wise. I've found that exceedingly difficult to do successfully though lol, but getting better and better over time and trying to follow it up with reassurances and caring. Sometimes I've found it helpful to pose the situation to her in a hypothetical way as if she were experiencing it herself... For example asking to imagine if I didn't try to connect sexually with her for several weeks, what might she feel as time goes on longer and longer? It may help the DA in putting themselves in your shoes compared to cases when it comes off more as blame or about their shortcomings, in which case they'll be more prone to block out the empathy around it and be defensive instead. You also just have to keep cultivating the intimacy and help the DA truly feel safe to be vulnerable with you. Unfortunately DA's also seem particularly prone to becoming closed off to intimacy as a result of things like work stress, but it may help on your end to connect the dots with things like that in order to take it less personally and not as rejection of you, but more about the DA self soothing from those situations. It may drag out over a very long time, but so far in my experience it has been moving slowly in a positive direction, and the cycles of pulling away seem to be getting shorter and shorter as time goes on. On the plus side, I think in an FA/DA relationship, once both partners are self aware and working on it, it can be a unique pairing for both sides healing and growing with one another as both are helping each other to see themselves deeper through their triggering one another, while also having some common ground of understanding regarding the avoidant side of the attachment style. It's rewarding as you both move closer to becoming secure, although I wouldn't say it's a comfortable experience by any means lol. Just keep trying to help the DA appreciate being loved in a way that they didn't have the opportunity to feel when they were young and try to be there for the DA with consistency to cut through their nearly unconscious fear of abandonment. I think over time they'll start to see this and appreciate it and become increasingly open to deeper and deeper intimacy. DA's just seem to take forever to truly trust someone at an intimate level, but it's not hard to see why considering they typically were emotionally neglected by their parents, who were implicitly supposed to be there for them. It feels unfair on the FA side of things... So hard to stay strong and consistent when being triggered and retraumatized on an ongoing basis (especially dealing with the sense of abandonment when you're vulnerable with your emotions and they deactivate intensely by it and seem to not care about you at all in those moments, as if totally apathetic). However, since I wrote that original comment, things have been improving more and more - hope it will for you as well. The biggest piece of advice I have is the part about expressing your feelings in ways that don't come off like shaming / making it out to be the DA's fault, especially if they were trying to do something good for you and feel unseen for it and then judged as not doing more on top of that - those situations always made her shut down and push away the hardest.
Rambled on a bit here, but I hope something from it proves helpful.
Yep, happened to me. Set the "standard", then poof. Which to be clear, wasn't an issue, but the complete pull back of all intimacy was. And turned into the continuing "argument", one night she said, oh you want this crazy sex life, I said no, I just want YOU back, the hand holding, the grazes walking by, and yes, some intimacy would be ok too. But really, some, ANY sign you're even still interested, is what I want back. 🤷
I was wondering did you guys call each other cute names or just called each other by names? @mirrorinsideout
@@mirrorinsideout
Above comment
My two ex D.A were very uncomfortable with intimacy and having sex.( I concluded they were both sexually abused as a children'). It was robotic and disconnected. Loved them, but had to let both go. Made me too way too stifled , self conscious and cut off from my natural sexual expression. Not for me.
I feel the same way, did you get over them, emotionally I mean, it scares me that it seems no one who leaves their DA's seem to get over them or fully emotionally let go, I want to trust that some day I will feel indifferent about him..
yes!! So robotic
I’m an FA leaning avoidant, and he is a DA…. Before I found this channel my complaints about intimacy was he would finish so fast and then wouldn’t want to go again to take care of my needs, he told me he really thought I had also finished along with him… like sir in 3 mins I’m barely getting comfortable! I would talk all my smack and although he would get mad during that moment when we would see each other again I would see that he would try to fix last week’s issue but it wasn’t enough.. he even mentioned that we should go to an adult store and buy some fun things but when we were going to go… he showed up and I could tell he was grumpy idk if it was something before me or if it was me but we didn’t go to the adult store after all… we spent the night together and we did have a little fun but overall I could tell he was just being a grumpy man like if he was on his period or something smh
Since my anxious attachment is leaning more towards being secure and the fog of limerance is finally gone (due to an amazing sexual attraction and magnetism), I finally understand how it’s possible that my DA literally only wanted to have sex with me once a year. Granted I think once we got too close, he’d flit to someone else (which he probably justified by refusing to make our relationship exclusive) for sex but he never seemed to have a very high sex drive. Often he’d text me and say he fantasized about me all the time and we only lived 20 minutes from each other! I never understood why he’d act as if I were in another country. He told me he fantasized about me daily and always thought about our “interactions” fondly but I didn’t understand at all why he simply didn’t ask me out to resolve this “wistfulness.” I am right here! I’d think. Now I get it.
I guess I’m thankful in a way that he didn’t try to have sex with me more often since emotional intimacy was always avoided at all costs. Man was more slippery than an eel. He has an uncanny knack of dodging pertinent questions whilst making you feel guilty for even asking. Everything was light-hearted and you’d realize after parting that you never got the clarity you wanted.
he was living in his own fantasy, thats why they are so stuck in their head and that's why reality always dissapoints them. Nothing can live up to fantasy.
Eeeww sounds more like a narcissist...
Leave him in his fantasy and get you someone real ❤️ it's the allure of thinking you can make a difference and change them, but they are a waste of time.
I thought I had snagged one of those, but I found that if I just cuddle with him and don't put the emphasis on sex, he opens up and it's amazing.
There's a lot of pressure on men about sex because women assume that just because he has an election he should be in the mood for sex or aroused and that's not always the case.
I also noticed he'd make an emphasis on lasting long and I just assured him that I appreciate 5 minutes that are intense and experienced fully over an entire night of mindless copulation.
Just trying to take whatever in his head off of his shoulders. I have a high sex drive and he just constantly turns me on so it's an exercise in growth for me also to step back and respect the boundaries, but if I didn't get it at all then yeah I'd have to move on, but I've always known how to take care of my own business in that department and I have learned that non sexual intimacy sometimes is the way to go. To appreciate the little things he does show how he cares.
He has severe ptsd also and sometimes his anxiety levels are just sky high.
I'm not an anxious person but I grew up around anxiety inflicted control freaks with insecurities...as long as he doesn't project his anxiety onto me and he deals with it himself then I'm fine.
He tends to need a lot of space and withdraws, but it doesn't affect me that much because I have a busy life style and I keep myself occupied while he goes off and processes things.
Another biological aspect that's helped me is the realization that men often pull away after sex because they've excuded their testosterone levels and need to with draw to rebuild testosterone which will recreate the desire again in their system.
The part where your guy is flirting with other people is just some childish narc manipulation attempt at triangulation to make you act jealous or to get you to be as insecure as they are. Disregard and dump those mind games.
So there's differences with people who have been damaged but try to work on things and people who are just flat out using their condition to manipulate.
Not healthy at all.
@@aqua6613 you sound like a gem. Great message
@Onno L awe thanks 😊
@@aqua6613 thank you for sharing this. My guy did say this about not being able to “perform” too but I never cared about that either. It was worth it to me to cuddle with him too but he’d always shut down at some point. I wish I had had your ability to just things be the way they were but his sudden emotional disconnect always bothered me when we’d been so affectionate only hours before. Ironically now that I’ve had time to really focus on myself and look at my triggers heads on I realize they were simply beliefs that aren’t even true. My childhood input a lot of this false programming and now that I can see it for what it is (my mother’s own projected fears) I realize I’m not nearly as clingy or anxious as I thought I was. It was HER anxiety indoctrinated into me. He and I haven’t been in contact in awhile but I know had I known then what I know now I could’ve easily given him space every time he couldn’t show up for me emotionally instead of wringing my hands wondering what I’d done wrong. I would have let him have his time and I would’ve gone about my business living life and knowing there are others out there who are ready to match my energy rather than trying to contort myself to match theirs.
Fear of intimacy in avoidants ( kind of like engulfment anxiety they think I have been to intimate I must pull back) in those who don't do the work.I will not get my needs met; I'm defective.
As someone who used to be a strong DA - I can relate to all of these triggers. I used to have a partner who would really bring up when we weren't intimate enough and it would really stress me out and I felt pressured which would push me away even more
How did you change that in yourself Joy? (if you don't mind me asking) :)
@@lifecoachingtoronto I got traumatized and triggered in another relationship to sway more anxious so now I’m more fearful avoidant. However i took the quiz last week and im mostly secure now! While still slightly fearful. This channel and therapy has helped a lot
@@joymae Very nice. How did you become more secure? :)
Actually. … you pushed your partner away because they wanted to discuss sex. They didn’t push you away; they approached you to discuss something really important, and you pushed them away.
I do agree with bellow mellow.
My DA needs to sit on the other side of the room after sex it’s so weird! I’ve never met anyone like it 😂
My DA ex and were amazing in that department for six and a half years, though the rest of the intimacy was a challenge. She could sleep with me, but the moment she woke up she was gone in a flash. I marked it up as her being busy, but now I see she felt like she was drowning. I wish she would have let me in because I like to think I'm empathic and kind. At seven years, she said she was no longer interested in sex and wanted to focus that energy on other things. I had few boundaries with her, but going into the friend zone was one of them. It's been four months in no contact - our longest stretch as she has always jumped in and out of the relationship. This time feels different and it breaks my heart. I want good things for her, even if I'm not the one giving them to her. I have been angry, frustrated, and depressed, but I know DA's don't wake up with plans to be cold and heartless. It's hardwired into their nervous systems. I feel strongly that they would rather not feel so conflicted. Mine is an excellent person.
I've asked my DA to give me 100% of him. He did not like that
Creep
What I found so confusing was that when I met my DA, she told me how much she LOVED sex and we had like 🔥 attraction to each other. However, I always felt, even from the beginning, that she would never create the space for sex. I had to like ask her to go upstairs. As our relationship went on and our intimacy “deepened,” our sex life began to taper off. She started telling me how much she wanted me but then would just turn the TV on when we got into bed. Finally, when I asked her why she was consistently telling me how much she is attracted to me and wanted to make love with me but then was turning the TV on at night, oh man, what Thais said. There was like hardly any sex and trying to talk about it left me without sex even more than before!!! It was awful. In the end, we were having sex again, but it was like she couldn’t spend any amount of time enjoying it. It felt like a transaction at that point which was really sad, because our attraction to each other remained strong. It was very painful and very confusing for me.
Man, I feel like I'm in the same boat some days. There are good days though.
Yup so true. I asked my DA about Sex . Just asking if everything was okay as she started to seem distant. That started the beginning of the end. she perceived my questions as attacking and it was over.
Maybe this is in the program. I’d like to see more Feminine ways to call people forward. Loose the pressure. So you can say what you want. Without this person being triggered. Working with Adrienne Everhart stuff right now. Maybe you can have her as a guest speaker on here. Love you Thais. People from the comments need help with their DAs I can see. I’m so in love with mine.
Just recently I stumbled over the term DA and it explained everything about my 25 yrs long wife behavior! I kept feeling I’m a butterfly that gets burned every time it tries to get near the light bulb! I love her n n our kids and I’ll try apply DA attachments advises.
Woah....this, this happened exactly. Around the 2 year mark it dropped off, almost completely. I would bring it up, and she'd say well i don't know, I'm just not feeling sexual at all. And at that time was the longest relationship she'd ever had, and even said, i dont know what's going on ive always been really sexual.
After all the videos ive watched from this channel on DA, this just all lines up so well. And all makes so much more sense, i struggled a long time, 3 years after that not knowing, and feeling completely devoid of my confidence, but this all makes me feel so much less frustration and anger about it, and her actions.
I love the root cause analysis Thais does!!
How can one differentiate between someone being a DA and someone who is just not interested or not compatible?
My ex DA told me that perhaps I was sexually abused and I associate sex with love. That hurt me so badly. When we first got together he wanted me all the time, then it changed.
My problem as a DA is not being relaxed enough to allow my partner to give me an orgasm…….. that is such a vulnerable thing for me……. I feel like it help me to control my emotions of not getting too far gone/head over heels.
💯
Do you feel you were in your head too much during sex as a DA?
@@ShadrockMarciano
Only when the focus was on me to be pleased/to orgasm.
Can you explain that if she says: "I feel so safe with you that I can actually climax" and we have the most amazing sex together. Passion, intense and filled with affection.
Then 6 months later there is just a text "we could be just friends" with no follow up for 4 months until I see her and she acts like I am a stranger.
I'm an FA and I think I feel this way too... subconsciously... I am afraid because I already might care sooooo much, I would really connect and then what if they leave? I feel I would be feeling kind of devastated.
As an FA sex is definitely too vulnerable for me sometimes 😭
Like seriously this seems impossible to get remedied. 2 kids in and my wife has shutdown. Her behavior is so destructive rn and I’m trying to keep this family together. So frustrating
13 years marriage, two children of our own and a stepchild I raised from 4...I went through years of every basic trait of a DA. I was beat down and thought It was failure on my part. Sex once a month that took a week to work up to. When it was brought up as an issue I was gaslit. Once I made some changes, did some therapy and started focusing on a positive life and my kids, she completely detached from us. She tested DA when we went through an intense three day marriage program and that set her off. She could not handle that there was something wrong with her. Refused all support and attempts to get help afterwards. She wanted "freedom" and she got it. Divorced, sold her/ our "dream house", moved the kids to a different school, etc. She is a "strong, Independent woman" hanging with a new group of friends she met in the local bar scene, while at the same not dating (not the right men around- vulnerability) and posting on Facebook about soulmates and not accepting less than you should. 48 years old with three kids at home and two failed marriages, but she is going to find her soulmate and told me she is going to be completely open this time! I would have done anything to help, but now I just pray/ wish her the best. Her wounds are deep, she can't see it, and I am moving forward feeling pretty healed.
If you want to save it, you have to get help/ therapy Now ! otherwise you need to start planning your exit.
The sex will never come back. Married 11 years with 3 kids and zero sex in the last 5 years.
@@xxxkidxxxhaha9203heartbreaking!
Interesting enough. My wife is willing to do the work. It’s been a very slow and frustrating process but there’s hope if they try. The issue is trying to get them to see it. Because they’re going to just shutdown when you tell them
3 months into the relationship I addressed him about the lack to which he replied: What? You want to get fucked? I froze! He had never talked like that and when I brought it up later he apologized. That should have been a red flag.
DAs are treated like victims, when they are actually abusive. My ex said all sorts of nasty and self esteeming breaking things to me, just because he didn't want to be intimate with me. I was too hairy, then too clean shaven. I didn't initiate enough, then I shouldn't initiate at all. I'm too desperate, then I don't try to please him enough. It was a rollercoaster ride. He played sick games with my mind and feelings. I've got no compassion for DAs. To me, they are just as terrible as narcissists.
like you said, narcissists. Not necessarily DA's. People are so quick to lump them together like they're the same thing - THEY'RE NOT. Just because you chose the wrong partner and chose to deal with their treatment toward you, don't disparage a whole group of people because of it.
@@leah-7011 Narcissists and DAs produce the same hurt to their victims. It doesn't matter why. The point is that they are abusive.
What you’re describing is an abusive relationship which has nothing to do with him being a DA it’s because he’s a bad person.
Being a DA does not mean being purposefully verbally abusive to their partners just because they find intimacy hard!
Mine was the same way!
Not all DA's are so harsh and brutal in how they push loved ones away. Not fair to put them all in the same box.
Exactly what I have experienced with my ex. Which I know now is a DA
Why is there an intimacy slowdown with you by a DA when in a relationship but they turn around quickly and go and have sex with a previous ex?
Because they’re usually thinking about that ex. They put them on pedestals
“Intimacy “ The creepiest word in the English language. There, fixed it for you
Hello Thais! My boyfriend is a DA, 52 years old and has erectile disfunction that he believes is due to his heart disease. We haven't had any sexual intimacy at all since last summer (2021). Both of his parents passed away that same summer and, as you can imagine, it was a very difficult time for him. I did not ask for sex or ask him to work on it, visit a doctor again, etc. because I knew it wasn't a good time for him. Last month we had a very brief conversation about it where I asked if we could talk about it and maybe begin to work on having more physical intimacy. I feel like starting there would be a good start, then maybe eventually we can work into sexual intimacy. He agreed he wanted to have a conversation too, but never committed to a time that we could talk. I don't want to pressure him and I'm not willing to give up on our intimacy or a sexual relationship. I feel like he's just given up on getting erections and that has just shut him down completely. It's almost like if he can't get an erection then he doesn't want anything sexual. One day he said, "Why start what i can't finish?" Previous to last summer we talked about it pretty openly between the two of us and he saw a couple doctors and we were working on it. Now It's my perception that he thinks if he can't have full pleasure and orgasm, that sex isn't worth it and that my pleasure isn't considered. I'm sooo frustrated and don't know where to go from here. We're basically roommates at this point and that makes me sad. Any advice? Thanks in advance!
I forgot to add we've been in a relationship for 6 years and we moved in together last Fall.
I dated a guy who is much younger and he definitely struggled with ED; however, he has no idea that his anxiety/lack of emotional release/stress as a DA is probably the biggest culprit. It's not you. I wish you joy and peace.
Ask your boyfriend for what you want. Say it in a positive way. Say you want him to do those things with you. Tell him that you want to be “with” him and sexually intimate in any way that creates orgasm for you. Don’t criticise, but say what you want him to do for you.
DA would not like you writing online about this. It's intimate.
So I recognize all this in my da partner. I feel bad for him but through all my compassion, he doesn’t take any steps to fix it. How can I move him forward?
I'm in the same boat Shana. I'm married to this person and finally after working on my own wounds I have recognized it in him. He is so afraid of change or learning or working together as a team that he'd rather be alone than join us. Yet he wants me to continue to engage him when he has no interest in me or my life.
You cannot fix or save him, unfortunately. It is not your job and it shouldn't be, if he is not willing to work on himself and heal he won't change. No matter how understanding and loving you are towards him.
the only thing you can do is to become as SA as possible. This will make things easier for both of you. But obviously neither AP nor SA will ever be 100% satisfied with a relationship to a DA. You'll just have to make a choice to either tolerate this longterm dissatisfaction or not. As SA things will get better, but never 100%.
All you can do is turn him on to what he is. I felt something was wrong, but didn't know what. Didn't know how to work on it. Stumbled on these vids & it's helped a lot.
Is there a type of DA who is in essence a sex addict because sex is a substitute for the absent emotional connection.
When DAs feel you like them more than they like you, sex could be a way to make up to you. However if DAs feel they like you more than you like them, even though it’s not the case, they will hold off sex to avoid being more vulnerable. Of course, there are times they just don’t feel connected with you. Then no sex either
yes, I would assume so. I and another DA male I know has used sex in replacement of needing emotional connection but not wanting to be vulnerable. We weren’t sex addicts by any means however.
I dunno. I had the most sex and partners when I was extremely clear with them that this was all it was about. It didn't matter what I did or did not feel. I was free to perform or not and make jokes about it cuz ultimately I dgaf what they thought. Kick me to the curb lol IDGAF. With my wife I fucking care. And somehow that makes things full of pressure. It's so stupid and exhausting.
@@seapeajones if it’s any consolation: that holds true for anything we care abt in life - when we care, we “block” it a bit (or a lot :))
That's more of a FA behaviour, I think.
I would really love to see a video discussing where both partners feel too vulnerable around sex to the point where there has been no sex at all ever during the relationship. I’m an FA who wanted to take things slow in the beginning dating a DA who prefers me to initiate, and we both haven’t been with a lot of people from what I understand, due to coming out later in life. I am finally at the point where I want to progress things but I’m afraid I’ll scare my DA partner off, and the vulnerability aspect still terrifies me as well.
This!
I guess the gazillion dollar question is how does one move to a more secure attachment style.
Can you speak about the ISTJ // dissmissive avoidant connection? Thanks, Thais!!
Could a man's core wounds be a result of being left by a long-term spouse? As opposed to being specifically a childhood trauma? Ex. High school sweethearts and together for 15 yrs.
A brief backstory: I met a great guy who is new to the dating scene after his divorce. We have a great connection, talk about everything and have lots of laughs. After a couple of weeks we did sleep together and it just felt different, more intimate, than it normally does the first time with someone. Immediately after though, he seemed different and a little detached. We still talk but he said that after that night, he doesn't think he's ready to be in a relationship yet. Said he's scared to really care about someone in that way again and said that it isn't fair to me based on what he's feeling. He has said a lot more than that, lots of context, but I'm trying to consolidate it on this post. Initially, I just thought it was a line, to protect my feelings and let me down easy, but I think it's more than that. Your perspective on this would be so appreciated. I'm so confused 😕
Gosh, met a guy like that...wife cheated with his best friend and left him for that friend and took his two kids.
All that was so fresh that he had to use viagra to maintain an erection.
Wasn't like he wasn't trying...but his confidence was so shook up and he went off to become kind of a manwhore to prop up his ego with conquests etc.
We didn't date for long, but I saw enough to stay away from those types.
Best to find someone healthy healed and available instead of being a guinea pig and getting invested only to find out it was a waste of time. Everybody makes mistakes like that, but when a man rejects you the first time for whatever reason...believe him. It's not going to get any better.
It sounds like this man was still in the grieving process over his last relationship. He may have been emotional unavailable because he still needs to do a lot of work before he's ready for a new relationship.
My DA makes me feel insecure, he will not give me compliments. I'm doubting my self worth, am I pretty? Does he find me sexy?
Been there with a ex DA girlfriend. It such a shame and I now agree with people who have dated DA's but... walk away. Your self worth and self esteem are way way to important to let someone head you down a dark road. My self esteem was high when I started dating her, soon.... it dimished, felt like on egg shells, couldnt talk to her as got blunt answers. Before you know it... you think its you... but its not. Be careful.
Never doubt yourself I have experienced the same thing it's not us. They soon get angry when we're seen by other men and push back hard.
Walk away you deserve better.
My partner and I are 83 and altho he has ED we have gotten creative and now both of us achieve orgasm during lovemaking-just not the former way! It’s still very intimate and fulfilling for both of us.
I have a question for any DA's in this chat. How do you DA's feel about open relationships most of the time? Because it seems like the attraction and love is still there, they just pull away from sex. How do DA's handle knowing their partner is sexually attracted or active with someone else?
I know I'm a DA, I try but
I've had tons of peoples leave me! I've been bullied all my life for xyz so I know but for me, my friends and boyfriends have to show Vulnerability first! And apparently I'm a very good listener. Because I don't mind people talking to me about their issues. I'm almost like they're therapist for free😂🤣 cause I don't say a darn thing 90% of the time,. I just listen but when it's my turn its very short and vague but I've always noticed everybody wants to talk about their issue in their problem. So I just let them! But im bery loyal and i will show up if you need help! Family and close friends i will go beyond the moon for you but hurt me once thats it! I just had a close friends that decide to no longer to be my friend and idk why, he didnt tell me and we werent boyfriends/girlfriend we were friends, well i thought so
My DA Ex used to say that there was no chase and he equated that to not being interested. He said that he thought his lack of desire meant that it wasn’t a match… We were best friends to within our relationship and it makes me really sad that he would get in his head like that considering we had a fantastic relationship otherwise outside of the vulnerability of intimate partners. Any tips or advice on how to help get them out of that headspace where they think that the lack of desire means they’re not interested instead of it just being their attachment style?
He should go to therapy and you should go no contact. Believe me he will run. But “organic” no contact where you will use the time to work on your self, not just for getting him to chase after you. One of three things will happen, or you will get healed enough that you will not be attracted to him and that dynamic anymore, you would mean someone new in the meantime or you will go back together when you are both in much healthier place. That happened to me and my bf, broken up for a year, now stronger than ever 🙏🏽
Good luck to you!
@@tequilabumbum4373 I am so happy to read that you’ve made it through and approached it in such a mature and reasonable manner ❤
@@drsalka thank you 🤗
I want to add too, it might be helpful for someone, and it helps me repeat for myself 😅 from time to time: if he wants to he will!!!! That being- if he wants to be with you, he will sure as hell let you know, if he wants to cheat, he will, no amount of you checking up on him will stop him, if he wants to behave in any way, he will. We might as well let them be. And let it be.
Relax, detach from the outcome, it all comes to a right place ✨✨✨
@@tequilabumbum4373 thank you for your comment! It’s always nice to hear happy outcomes! Unfortunately he “doesn’t believe” in therapy (eyeroll…) and this isn’t our first go around. We did get back after some time and growth apart after our first go, but you’re right - I actually say they same thing to myself haha it’s perfect for when you’re frustrated/annoyed but also hopeful “if he wants to he will!” So who knows where our journey will take us but I am starting to get back out there and work on myself more as well thank you again for the words of encouragement!!
I was leaning DA when younger, the sexual intimacy in relationships was no problem until the last months of the relationships..it was like my body slowly shut down and I didn't have an explanation for it. Turns out that I was really stressed at work (approaching burnout level..) and my fiancé did NOTHING and saw NOTHING he only complained about the lesser sex we were having.. I worked 12 hours a day, he was in grad school still.. and during the second relationship my father had cancer and then died, so yeah, not very fun or motivated for sex. Again.. my partner didn't took that in consideration. What I am saying is that the avoidance comes also from unmet needs and being ignored as a WHOLE person by the anxious partner. Who was the selfish one here?...
Why are you in an “intimate” relationship if sex is off the table. Those are friends.
Men don’t want to be friends. Even the men you think are friends are only keeping you as a friend in case things line up right that they can smash.
Withholding sex for long periods of time from your partner is mean.
@@ronmexico8383 No shit.. Wow. Just wow... have you read my whole comment or are you just completely, utterly unempathic ?
I think you needed to tell your partner why you weren’t feeling up to sex. All of us can get caught up with your personal life and problems. I think it’s best to explain why you have withdrew from intimacy. And you don’t know how to get back. Taking it slow and grieving your loss will help.
U should explained or express your emotions on what ur going thru so that way ur partner can understand where ur coming from instead of bottling up ur emotions and think ur partner can read ur thoughts
There is a 14-day free trial for PDS!
Weve known each other for 1 year. We stopped having sex for months now AFTER HE (the DA) started getting attatched. Actually told me, he doesnt JUST want me for sex... im confused. But didnt want to push the conversation
Yes I believe the one who gets me in a house will be blessed.
Like feeling sex is dirty, and the need to abstain or do ritualistic washes randomly after sleeping together for 8 months. That was confusing.
Does erectile dysfunction falls under this as well?
Could you do one of these for FA pleasee?
4:05 how should it be communicated without making them feel pressured?
Thanks!
I'm a FA, so I get it. Edit: I have an avoidant side too.
I personally don't do relationships at all because the idea of sex in real life and not in my mind makes me feel disgusting, not disgusted, disgusting, it's like on the most fundamental level I want my sexuality to be mine, and I am not disgusted by my own body or by being sexual with myself, I guess you can call me an extreme DA, I've been feeling like this since I was a child because that's when some stuff happened.
Get help, you are missing out in the most beautiful thing ❤❤❤
What's the best therapy for the DA?
could you tell us how to deal withit? I understand all that but what can we do to help them out of that?
idk i just feel so dirty thinking about it and people who do like it i just will lose respect for them too that's why i decided to just not be with anyone not even friendships i don't even want that i want boundaries with people now like just work
Is there a difference between male and females DA's when it comes to sex? Dated a suspected DA for 4 months and there was never any intimacy, even at the start.
My bf is a da with fa tendencies, a mix. The times we have sex he ( not to say too much info or gross anyone out) but ejaculates and other times he stops in the middle of sex and doesn’t. I ask him if it’s me or my body. And he says no it’s not. That im being stupid, but not in a mean way. And says it with certainty it’s not me. So I’m confused. And right now he hasn’t talked to me in awhile. But nothing to do with that day. Idk if he’s shutting down. We’ve been together for a long time. He’s unaware he’s a da fa, but has made some progress in changes of expressing him self and putting effort. There’s more, but that’s what’s happening now. I need answers. Also I’m a ap with fa tendencies a bit but trying to lean secure.
That’s awesome you are awesome and beautiful you have a great heart 💜 you have a beautiful feeling;s so you can do anything you want to feel and love your life and love your kindness 🥰😘😍😉😉☺️😊😇🙂🙃😆😁😄😀😀
You are amazing!
Im curious if this can happen with an FA leaning avoidant? I think my ex is FA and he stopped sex and physical intimacy around the 6 month mark.
Thais, it would really help, if you would be so nice, to speak a bit more slowly. Thanx !
She never had issue with me when it comes sex bc i always give it and praised her that I'm enjoying her. She makes me very happy. Even though our relationship went over a year. We both had no problems with our sex life. But she breakup with me over selfish reasons when I demanded her to communicate with me if she isn't coming to see me or not. She got mad end the relationship and later cheated with her ex. while we still had feeling for each other's and still texting each other thought she might need a space. She did got sexual with ex so quick that's why it hurt me the most and traumatized me. She was very sexual women. Felt like she has sex addiction can't controlled. Even her ex was a married old guy really surprised what kind of guy she is having sex with and why getting into triangle relationship maybe this girl has absolutely no self-worth whatsoever. Prior to breakup I has no clue she was DA or know anything about DA behaviors. Due to dopamine and oxytocin DA can become sex addicts bc that's what helps them to deal with anxiety and stress. Especially DA never received love and affection in childhood. This is why they are starving for love and physical connections.
Hi can they still love even if I don't push the sex. I give him alot of affection.ty
Does DA come out different across genders?
Im the DA. Found husband with porn, stepped back...waaaayyy back. Criticized how often we had sex....step back. You should do it like this.....jump back. Now he cannot understand WHY I am not interested in sex. I feel like I'm on an island..alone. I run from hugs, kissinhg any type of intimacy.
Have more sex with him, it will make him happy. Oh no, don’t dare make him happy. Punish him.
Sounds like you created that situation yourself. There were mature and rational options for handling that available, like talking to the guy, instead of shaming and disconnecting.
That sucks Kimberly. I can promise your partner feels the same. Instead of stepping back, take action. Communicate your needs and boundaries with your partner. Both will be miserable until this happens.
❤️
💚
Well, my ex husband started lecturing and preaching at me about sex, so I gave in. He turned me over and fucked me like an animal. That was 32 years ago and I left him immediately afterwards. I’ll never get myself trapped in a relationship again. He’s now divorced again after a second marriage and 2 affairs.
So he was manipulative
Great video- really resonated with me. I’m learning so much