1:54 "If you're not getting your needs met whether it's sexually, emotionally, in many different ways in a relationship, you want to set a deadline." People need to understand you can't change the other person. All you can do is communicate your needs and choose to have some patience. But if nothing changes, just walk away. You are not responsible for the other person's choices.
Very helpful, thank you. I’m pretty sure my gf has a DA attachment style whereas I have a secure style. When she pulled away and I called her on it, she dismissed me, avoided my questions, (surprise surprise) we finally had it out a few weeks ago. She was angrily pushing me away. I knew what it was.She broke down.I asked her if she felt safe, loved and accepted. She said yes, admitted she never learned to communicate what she needed. I asked her if she would be willing to learn how to do this (relationship) with me. She said yes. Thais your videos are great thank you again 🙏
@@leabutler5931 Thank you. I won’t lie, there are a lot of days I feel unwanted or unloved. But I’m aware it’s her not me. I would encourage you to tell the truth to your partner. Sometimes I literally have to verbally and mentally carry her through conversations and feelings. I do that because long term it will benefit both of us. Open truthful communication is best imo.
I am glad this was featured because it happened to me and it was so painful. I responded in the way everyone would, by questioning myself. I went through a very dark time because we had a great intimate connection so when he pulled away on that front it was immensely hurtful. Now after eleven months of that situationship, I am finally done.
I'm 18 months into it. DA texts me regularly now from rare texts and no more days of deactivation. So the needle is moving?? But the once monthly meets continue. I'm not game to ask for more as he has been changing on his own accord. Hmmm.. what do I do?
@@warmhart2034 Hey sorry to hear you’re with a DA. I was too, about 2 months ago. But I once again broke up with him. I have no doubt he loves me. But that isn’t good enough. If he can’t meet my needs (emotionally and physically), when I have several times spoken with him about it, then you can’t wait forever. He did make some changes but his pace was slow and he wasn’t willing to talk about things. I was left in the dark, questioning myself, he has made me feel more negatives things than positive things. Overall he has cause me more harm than good. I dont think he is a bad person, but I know I deserve to be happy and in peace and being his gf didnt not bring me either of those. Always love yourself first, and within a place of love you will make the right decision.
It’s exhausting trying to make an avoidant feel comfortable when everything sets them off. And you’re expected to respond perfectly while not getting any needs met.
This is exactly how I feel. Like, I’m tired. I’ve been the only one fighting for this relationship for years. I don’t want to keep reaching out only to get hurt. And even if it works, then what? I’m in a relationship that already had all this disappointment, fear, triggering, emotional abuse, but now she might agree to cuddle once in a while?
True, I hear you. I am with an avoidant. BUT what I see in my anxious client and in my past self, that EVERYTHING also set off us. everything triggered out abandonment wound, which made us not feeling worthy or good enough. So we attract where we have healing to do. Once you heal the parts of yourself and become the best version of yourself, and are able to express your needs in a healthy not criticising way and your partner STILL doesn't move towards you, THEN you can always leave. But if you leave before YOU WILL regret it. As you will attract the same type pf partners and have even more baggage. That's why divorce rates of 2nd and 3rd marriages are even higher, than the 1st marriages, in my opinion.
The avoidant person definitely needs to learn that they're ok in those situations where they want to shut down. That's very doable, although I don't think this person's method of talking about it works, at all. The only thing that's useful here is the deadline on action, everything else is in support of that. What you might want to consider is why you have a desire to have them feel good or comfortable, and whether that's your responsibility or not. What enjoyment are you getting out of being their support worker that keeps you doing it? Personally I could never tell if wanting to help made you anxious or secure in your attachment, but I think the difference is mostly found in the presence of moderation (capability to maintain boundaries, good emotional regulation skills)
It's really so sad how complex our own coping mechanisms are to tangle out once we're grown up. It's like we've become our attachment style. Ah, i just wish for better parents for all children.
best is to break the cycle, for US to become securely attached and to then raise our kids into secure kids, because they will be most likely attracted whats familiar = secure one. :)
Had it from 100% to 0%. After 5 years of committed relationship. I was shocked, as if I was facing a totally different person. Was painful as hell, for AP it feels like rejection and sabotage as an intended break up. I brought up the topic, however was shut down by: I am ok like this, I don’t need it anymore and that after being a wild horse in bed. Such an abrupt stop was shocking to me… I did not know what to do.😢
No one will abandon and screw you over like a DA. It’s all about them and their self-preservation which is based on completely irrational fears. Run away at the first sign of a DA.
As a DA i am trying soooooo hard to let go of the childhood and adolescent pain that caused me to put up walls to people its really difficult to get past these subconscious behaviors but Im doing my best, thats all i can do
@m_ru1993 They sabotage even the most harmonious relationship as what I've experienced. Contrary to what I expected, my being a secure base made him run because he felt safe with me and came too close!! Can't win!!
Unfortunately if you express your needs in sex or in the relationship in general they feel critized. They're unable to understand it's not about them but your needs are about you and your well-being in the relationship. They make it about they are critized and pressured. You can't win with a DA who isn't extremely self-conscious and into self-growth. The guy I used to know claimed to be that but never did real work. It was me going to therapy and try to heal from the pain the relationship caused. I don't recommend anyone to plan with a DA for the long run unfortunately. Very painful experience.
Empathy, communication, acceptance ,kindness ,& compassion. To become a securely attached person,very much a desire in this life.long term trusting relationships ,this all sounds like my cup of tea.Understanding psychology and how it relates to peoples childhood experiences & how that merges into their adulthood is very good to know. It's nice to have people who have studied this stuff so deeply and are caring enough to want to share it with others to help people. ❤
I've definitely done this. Failed to meet a need that was explicitly told to me. Got criticized for it about as harshly as I've ever been criticized. Felt unsafe, withdrew, stopped communicating my thoughts and feelings, then it bled into sex, and I withdrew from that too. It's hard to have sex with someone and be that vulnerable with them when you feel they could stab you in the back at any moment (she didn't mean to and wouldn't on purpose, but sometimes your emotions don't care about intent). Great video! It was very enlightening as a DA. Thank you
It’s not your partners fault. It is yours. DA’s should not date until they are 100% healed. The trauma that put on your partner had to be so devastating.
@@CS.94 Can't speak for anyone else but likely being a DA myself ("undiagnosed" by a professional but self-reportedly fit most if not all of the criteria), this is my take on what could be meant by "stabbing in the back". One of the core aspects of DA is not easily trusting other people and having a hard time trusting other people to treat us with emotional kindness. We have often grown up to expect emotional neglect or even emotional abuse, so for us a high level of emotion is often deemed "not safe" or we haven't learned to process them very well. A lot of the time we especially go out of our way to avoid rocking the negative emotional boat too much because we've typically learned that this is wrong - in return we often require the same from the people around us, at least as far as our close interpersonal relationships are concerned. Eg. it's kind of an a "I try my best to not explode my negative emotions all over you so please don't explode your negative emotions all over me because I don't really know how to deal with that" kind of thing. We're usually fine with constructive criticism if it's delivered with kindness so we can process it on a more cognitive level but harsh criticism rooted in emotion, especially from someone we've grown to trust enough to give a place in our lives, feels like a betrayal. Not just unpleasant but straight up betrayal because it invalidates the trust we put into the other person (despite our initial misgivings) to not violate the agreement of being emotionally kind to eachother that we thought we had. This means that once we've experienced that "breach of trust", we kind of expect it to unpredictably happen again at any moment so the safest option to avoid having our core wounds triggered again is withdrawing and/or labeling someone as "unsafe". Hence the comparison of feeling like we might get "stabbed in the back" at any moment by that person.
My DA always told me he had a low libido or was too stressed or tired for intimacy. He didn’t understand why I valued intimacy because to him it was just “sex”. We tried to set a once a week schedule but that didn’t work out. I’d say we only had intimacy when I cried once a month over lack of intimacy. I tried to be strong and I didn’t want to pressure him. I even tried to not care about sex either but I couldn’t help but break down once a month. I felt very rejected and unwanted. We tried to communicate and would come up with solutions but he’d never follow through with our plan for more intimacy. Later on, I found out he was meeting his sexual needs with a ton of online adult content videos. He always denied he was watching adult content but once I caught him, he started crying and said he felt shame doing it but couldn’t stop. He did admit that watching that stuff made him want intimacy even less because of all the guilt he carried. He said sex also felt like too much pressure and because he felt pressure he didn’t feel safe. Needless to say, we broke up and he told me he needed to go to therapy to work on and fix his avoidant attachment style. He said he really wanted to be in my life. He begged me to not block him because he was planning on returning in a year or two. I’m not sure if he ever went to therapy but after 2.5 months of no contact, he emailed me to say he’s not planning to be in my life and wished me the best. I wish I knew about DA while dating him so I wouldn’t have blamed myself for everything. But after watching so many videos on DA, my relationship makes so much sense.
I'm in the same situation too and I'm the DA in this matter. I love her so much and I have a big fear of loosing her because in my eyes I see woman who I wanna marry not a person I wanna see as an ex one day. The intimacy is the problem , it's declining big time. I feel pressured rather than wanting to enjoy. Mostly I'm always thinking about doing things right and making her enjoy than having me to enjoy the moment with her . Sometimes I wanna let her go and focus on healing myself because I think me healing is gonna compromise her happiness... Of which is something I don't want . I want her to be as happy as possible even it means me being out of the picture.💔😢
@@juniorleburu1333 you can work on yourself and have the grace to have your partner by your side. They do not exclude the other. I am sure if she is aware of the issues you want to work on, and actually work towards them, she will be even more appreciative of you
I was 13 years in same thing but I find out after 13 years that my partner watched pornography. It was shock because I never saw him. I lost many years . What a life lesson to be with avoidant. 🤍🙏
So painful to hear this right now, brought me to tears because i didnt even know much about attachment theory before my divorce a few months ago, i see that i was showing up with these DA tendancies and i didnt know how to communicate it and felt a deep sense of shame when i wasnt giving my wife what she needed, and it didnt help that she has deep unhealed mother wounding and couldnt provide the care and openness to get me to open up in this way. I judged myself so harshly for this and that made it much worse, she couldnt see what i was going through and couldnt help to pull me out of my head, and i didnt have the tools to pull myself out of it.
Thank you for sharing your story. Did you eventually find tools to help yourself? Have you been able to implement them in a relationship setting successfully?
@@lzestrara1518 ive been single since then and am not looking for a new relationship for a while, i have much in my life that i need to sort out at this time that i dont feel confident in my ability to sustain a serious relationship. I have however been developing a social network of people who i can discuss these things honestly and openly with and that has been of tremendous benefit to my overall wellbeing, ive also been journaling a lot and using writing prompts and daily techniques from others in this field which have been very useful tools for self reflections and growth. One of the best things i think is learning to show the self patience, kindness, compassion, and understanding.
My DA shut down so hard towards the end when I tried to move the needle sexually that they ended up breaking up with me after 2.5 years. So much for being the DAs kryptonite. I’m FA leaning AA. We were taking things very slow, so by the time I finally tried to move the needle it was too late. Also, the fact that they felt criticized whenever I tried to express my needs in healthy ways using techniques from PDS and other attachment coaches added to this. The NVC technique absolutely did not work with my DA at all. It’s like I had to strip any emotion out of my needs and even then it still got taken as criticism. It was a real challenge and unfortunate because I really love my DA but it takes two. I am now in NC focussing on myself. For those still in a relationship with a DA enduring the push/pull cycle, best of luck to you.
Omg true.. I tried NVC and it didnt work on DA. His reaction is when I expresssed my needs with nvc was either completely stonewall or defensive. 3 weeks of NC still healing
@@jerusalem4492 NVC stands for nonviolent communication. There is a book about it by Marshall Rosenberg, but you can also find a two or three hour video about it on TH-cam where the author speaks about it. It follows the observation/Feeling/needs/request formula.
I am an extreme DA, the best relationship I ever had was within someone who I think was also DA, he was certainly a commitment-phobe. It was great, he demanded nothing from me emotionally, I was happy in that no pressure relationship. He once asked me where I saw the relationship going and I said ‘nowhere’, he was happy with that and I was happy we understood each other. It lasted a couple of years, I still look back on it as a good experience.
He told me "I'm not very passionate" and it was true. Maybe he faked it during the first weeks, because we had an awesome chemistry. And suddenly... no more sex or kisses or anything really. He's back on dating apps looking for the next ex.
I got „sex is overrated“ after a few months, he was also very passionate in the first months before that. What I don’t get is, do they just hope that their tendendcies miraculously won’t appear with another person, or do they just hope that the next person will accept their behaviors without questioning them, so they don’t have to explain themselves, which they obviously hate. Either way, it’s not going to work like this, ever.
Some avoidants are sadly so terrified of negative feelings and the anxiety that comes with being alone that they use dating as a coping mechanism. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
@@thealphabetistthe fact is these videos never answer those questions. I was in a situation that I had entirely wrong. He was very passionate in the beginning. He also was forthcoming about his living arrangement which included his young daughter living with him 100% of the time which made me feel awkward to be intimate with her in the next bedroom. Further this with he did not come to bed at any time where we could be intimate. At first he went to bed a 9:00pm. And he had all this ridgidity around his schedule. Then he started coming to bed around 11 pm and I would be asleep. You couldn’t wake him in the middle of night because he’d complain it interrupted his sleep cycle. Eventually I was like - why am I begging this man to be intimate. Why do I have to schedule intercourse? So I stopped. It didn’t really enjoy it that much to begin with because it wasn’t the same level of passion as it was in the beginning. At the end of the relationship he blamed me. lol. I didn’t care because we had some many other issues that I was ready to go. I hindsight this is why dating is so difficult. A lot of men, particularly men who are raised in poor economic environments have a lot of untreated, unaware traumas. I see a person and the struggles they got through thinking this makes them deserving but it actually makes them a complete mess in a relationship. I have been so loving and understanding to these men and they treat me like crap. I know I am not a victim and I refuse to be a victim. It’s me not them because you can’t judge a book by its cover. The cover looks nice, may have some scratches, it’s worn and attractive. Open the book, first chapter is good. Keep reading, informative is redacted. Pages turn out, red lines, shambles. This is my experience with men.
We were together for only 2 months but never had sex, because it was not important for him. He was so unpredictable that it re-traumatised me and made me suicidal. It’s been only 2 weeks that I moved away (I had to after he ended things with me, because he still wanted to see me casually and it was hard for me to say no - I’m an FA btw) I blocked him everywhere because the simple thought of him coming back to my life triggers a panic attack. Never met a DA before and it scares me what they can do 😢
Okay. Can we all agree that these videos are informative they do not give us any idea of what to say. Rather how to say what needs to be said to our DAs. For some reason my energy has shifted to so much anger right now. I’m just tired of feeling trapped and buying into this is going to get better. I think these platforms are mostly here to get us to buy courses and coaching based in hopes that a person we chose to love will some day magically open it again like they did when we first met and allowed us to feel seen and safe. I wrestle with the idea that I am a liar if I chose to walk away because when you love someone it is for better or worse (unless it’s truly abusive). Every love song seems to be about unrequited love where there isn’t reciprocity. Just don’t understand why people who know they aren’t capable of being in a relationship even approach another when it’s ultimately a path of destruction. I’m coming close to my decision day and it’s not looking like my connection is going to improve. I’m too nice, too understanding, too empathetic and like those things about me but evidently they do not serve me in relationships where people have these deep seeded issues and are possibly aware but don’t have the decency or capacity to just say - hey. I got some messed up behaviors. I want this so it might get rough at times but don’t leave me. I think I’ve been done this road more than one time and it’s making sense and it’s really pissing me off right now.
Thais, you are like an older loving, wise sister to me. Your videos are so healing! It is actually outrageously unnerving just to how accurate your analysis is. You have illuminated in depth my last 7 month relationship with a woman I was growing to deeply love.
I have to say, it's frustrating that the DA pulls back if they "feel" judged, yet their partner is expected to accept the DA's criticisms of their "flaws." I'm sorry, but that's not a healthy dynamic. The DA needs to understand how their hurtful behaviors impact their partner if they want to achieve a healthy relationship.
Your right, but what your missing is until they do the work to heal they will continue to not understand. They have to do the healing, no one can do it for them.
Hey@@phenpier82 , I totally agree with you :) I just wanted to point out the importance of the partner who is involved with a DA to see how unbalanced it is and discern what is best for themself. It's good to have compassion, but sometime too much compassion allows people to stay in unhealthy situations for too long.
If you replace "hurtful" with "fearful" as you judge your DA, you might be able to respond more than react. Distancing is no more intentionally "hurtful" than is clinging. Both behaviors are fear-driven.
@@LentilSoupGirldo you think we can choose who we fall for? When they show their avoidant attachment we are already in love or very emotionally invested. It seems you haven't met an avoidant.
At first I thought it was me. I was not sexy enough not turning him on. He included me in his appointment with his urologist. He also made it seem as if I may have been sexually abused since it was important to me. It got worse the longer we got together to the point I was being bread crumbed. I also did not want to bring it up again. He also wanted to get into S&M. We aren’t together now.
@@Ghostecy I don’t think of it as to prove his libido. Now that I learned abt DA, it was his way of telling me it had nothing to do with what I believed was truth. He couldn’t fully explain so inviting me to the appointment was actually huge.
I felt in love with my dear FA friend listening to Thais. I feel so much tenderness for her, because I start to imagine my loved FA as a neglected child, that needs cuddle and hugs. Really I can't help but think like this anymore
What about DA’s that want to fantasize about sex and a relationship but never want to see the object of their fantasies in person. Prefer setting and texting to an in person relationship.
Oh God. I see all the victims' stories and my heart aches for you. I'm just recovering from a situationship with a 41yo sexless DA who in 4 years never introduced me to his family. We need to trust our own healing and that we'll be able to avoid avoidants in the future. Never again. Best of luck to everyone ...and please dump your DAs asap, don't waste time hoping and waiting,learn from my mistake.
I'm a DA and can relate to most of what she is saying. In the past I would pull away after a while, and when they would get upset, that would be the excuse that I needed to get out of there. Now I want to discuss things, and definitely don't ever blame her. I see this as my problem, and something that I deal with on a daily basis. I want to show her that I love her because she is a wonderful human being. That's what keeps me going and to not be so much in my head. Communicate, be vulnerable and stop feeling ashamed...
Absolutely exhausting.... WTF... why would anyone go to those lengths to convince a DA of all these things? Its so absurd that a person who just pulls away and shuts down constantly ,what kind of future could anyone have. Walk on egg shells have more conversations about sex in order to make it feel safe so the person can be present in their body and consider it? They run away when they get attached... they see any love or support as a negative/fear and pull away... wth? Sounds like the DA needs hospitalization not relationship advice.
I appreciate your content so much! You're so familiar with all aspects of bonding and how the difference facets interact with each other and its expressed through how you articulate the dynamics. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us! Keep up the amazing world and keep improving your viewers relationships!
My DA husband took my self-esteem to the lowest of the low. I no longer even WANT to be vulnerable with him anymore. He's changed the way I HAVE TO show up in this relationship in order to protect myself from the rejection and lack of intimacy and connection.
I'm a DA, and I've withheld for the first time ever for nearly 10 months now. I know exactly why (over a specific phrase/threat), and I know it's not healthy. However, my partner isn't interested in development or growth, and I'm working on myself and my new healthy future.
Im the DA in my relationship. I really wish that I didn't hard wire myself this way. Its not by choice. It's hard to put in to words how i feel and probably the same for other DA people. Looking back at childhood and the traumas in my life, past relationships etc and learning more and more about myself; the more i cant bear myself. I WANT to feel love yet i dont think ive ever truly felt it. I think ive always confused lust with love. When it comes to sex, im very much as described in the video. After a certain amount of time and there no pattern to that time, something in my brain triggers me to switch off my emotions and then its down hill from there. Its so hard to deal because in that initial stage, i truly feel like i love that person, will do anything for them, its the ultimate feeling, cant live without them and then BAM whoa you're getting to close now, you want more intimacy, date nights, quality time. I've hurt a lot of people running from relationships and now as i understand it more and the way i am, it actually makes it harder because while it may look i lack empathy due to my outward my emotions; My inward emotions cripple me from the pain and upset i cause. I don't want to end up a lonely undateable person thats unable to feel and show love, who does want that? Im starting therapy soon, ive been diagnosed with PTSD from past traumas that need to be resolved in my mind, traumas that helped me hard wire myself like this. Unfortunately its taken many relationships to notice this pattern of behaviour in myself and realisation that i HAVE to change because the problem is me. I can see how hard it is for other partner not having their needs met...it takes an incredibly strong person to be with someone like me. I wouldn't even recommend getting with someone like me but what i would ask is if you are educated on attachment styles is to make the DA person in your life aware that they might be a DA person because honestly up until recently i didn't know DA was even a thing until i stumbled up on it and felt everything being said in a video was me.
My DA is 63 and diabetic. He has developed ED and has recently gotten so frustrated that he has started distancing himself from me physically in the time he spends with me and having intimacy with me. He brought up going to the dr for viagra 5 months ago when we began our romantic relationship, but has never made an appt for it. He had an appt with dr for something else but never talked to the dr about his ED. What can I do as a partner in this situation. Our relationship had been very sexual from the beginning and I love him very much.
my now FA ex deactivated and pulled away and stopped wanting to be intimate (we used to have an amazing sexual relationship), he would also cover himself when naked like getting out of the shower or something. I caught him looking at porn and he immediately acted like a small child would covering his face and said that he was embarrassed and ashamed. I only brought it up because I had been asking for intimacy but he would not engage. He apologized but when I said that I was still struggling and upset he got very mad immediately. That and I would imagine other things (we went through a very hard time with me super sick for months and he had to do everything and I don't think I was able to meet his needs and he potentially felt taken advantage of even though I definitely did not mean to make him feel that way) led to him completely deactivating and moving out. :( i'm heartbroken. He said he resents me but can't point out exactly why. Pregnant with his baby and he's gone.:(
We had such a passionate sex life. But already after a few months he shut down. No sex at all but cuddling. When I approached him sexually he even behaved kind of uptight. It was like being with another person. Then it came to the point that he even didn't change his underwear (because he didn't have the time for laundry). At this stage I ended it.
I’m thinking my boyfriend pulled away from me sexually too. He said he didn’t think he has any needs. All of this today has left me astonished. It would be easier dating a magic 8 ball.
it's not about sex, it's about safety. There are very obvious signs that a DA feels safe in a relationship vs before if they didn't . They initiate togetherness/ show flexibility and are available to create closeness. They make future plans, they are open to new experiences. They are less scared of the world and explore out of their shell. They look forward to things they swore they would never try and they are more expressive. They will chime in about their childhood, their dreams and their hurt. They come to you with their day and tell you how much the world sucks. But then they smile when you smile. You can't miss these, especially if you've seen what they were before. None of these have anything to do with sex, but it shows that their comfort zone is expanding to allow foreign feelings. Their capacity to overcome their fears has grown. Do not sleep with people who have their walls up. Do not attempt to bring their walls down. Just be safe.
I am 100% safe the DA tells me , that I tick all the boxes, that our relationship is harmonious. Yet, he can't bring himself to see me more than once a month. His fears from previous past hurts must be massive!!!
@warmhart2034 It's not about what he says, it's what he does that dictates how he safe he feels. If he can't bring himself over to even spend time with you, how safe do you think he really feels? This is not me saying you need to fix that, just look inward to make sure you're showing up healthy yourself.
@@Mississippian As I mentioned somewhere here, he must have massive fears from ex-gfs criticising, demanding from him. He stated" I fear reprimand" I think he fears too that once he gets closer, I will start to ask for more and then he gets reprimanded if he can't meet. He has been moving the needle but ever so slooowly but has hit a brick wall with the in-person meets. And yess, it's turned me to lean anxious/avoidant when I used to be predominantly secure, so not healthy really for me.
@@warmhart2034 Please view his fears from the past relationships as bleeding into yours thereby creating a general sense of unsafely. It is not your responsibility to fix this, but it may be a good idea to look into why you stay. Clearly he's not offering a real relationship, yet you're attached to the lack of closeness. He may not change but you can!
@Mississippian Of the innumerable men I've dated, the trait variability attraction is powerful, that's why I've stayed and because he has made some changes BUT he has now hit a brick wall and i don't think he can progress any further. So alas, I might have to let him go 😔
I’m really struggling to pinpoint my attachment style. I’m ADHD so feel like I could be them all! But also feel very secure in myself, but knowing my brain works differently
FA here, in a relationship with a DA, probably power struggle phase. If you take in ideas for videos, please consider doing a video on how to approach the subject with a DA partner. In particular: Are the DA's generally receptive to the idea that they are DA? Is it better to try to fix my part of the issue or bring them in on this? If I should talk to them, how? Does a DA generally want to heal? Why? It seems to me that DA's tend to be quite content being super independent and they don't see it as a problem. What incentivises them to work on it? To me it seems that if I bring this up, it is ME wanting them to change, not them wanting to change. Then again, I feel like I cam heal quite a lot of the dynamic from my side... communicating my needs more specifically, in a practical way. Already working on that... and my volatility diminishes quite bit just by being aware of it all..... Still... I feel it is unfair if I need to do this alone. And I feel like I'm taking all of the blame. Yet... they have become so much more supportive after I started communicating better, and THEY do not blame me... (I do...)
Yep. I was with FA for four years. No more . He cheated. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I am much happier alone. I will get into a new relationship in time. Thank you, Lord!!
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator BarryInvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Did you have children? Only once a year during the first 6 years of marriage but I guess I'm super fertile and have 2 children. Your words ring so true for me except the cheating part- sorry you had to deal with that in addition! My self esteem is very low, nothing like it was 18 years ago.
I now realize I spent/ wasted? time with a DA. I’m beginning to think DAs should work on working on themselves & learn to live in the present. I didn’t have the perfect childhood, was left to cope & thereby forced to grow. This served me well through life. It’s been a learning experience. Either learn to cope with life, or choose not to and suffer the consequences. Blaming my life on my parents just dosent work for me; it’s my life & responsibility to make it work. Freedom of choice is humanities inheritance
I think my ex was a FA who also avoided sex about 6 months into our relationship. Unfortunately he said I was too much and that I should dial down my needs for affection and intimacy, and instead of turning around and running, I believed I was the problem, then near the end of the relationship I learned that he had been watching porn all along even though I had made it known that I was not interested in being with someone who consumed pornography. It felt like a betrayal that he was taking care of himself with pornography while hiding it from me, and neglecting my sexual needs. I wasted almost 3 years of my life with him and regret staying for so long because of the emotional damage it caused me, and the damage to my self-esteem. I have learned to recognize an avoidant now so I can avoid them before I get too attached.
It is good to have a psychological based understanding of human behavior instead of the generalizations we are exposed to on other dating platforms. I have a dating and relationships channel and I removed all of my videos because this stuff is so much deeper than having standards and boundaries. You almost need a degree in psychology to date these days if you want to have a successful long term relationship. All this time I have been beating myself up thinking I did something wrong. I understand that I was very anxious and I consider myself to be secure/avoidant. It was the safety I felt in not being sexually pursued that really made me fall in love. I was a bit frustrated earlier when I was watching this but now I have complete gratitude. When I talk with my peers, which I seldom do, it’s always the generalized BS that he’s not into you. And in my heart I know that he is. I believe he knows he has issues but he is pretty set in his ways and we always want to be the one that made the bad boy be the saint. I just want to kiss face and give him a big ole hug and tell him. Everything is going to be okay. Today I am not nearly as confused as I have been for months. I still don’t know what to do or how to do it but at least for my sanity these pulling away patterns and the Davinci Code conversations we have had make sense to me and that what I felt wasn’t all in my head. I a bit disappointed that my therapist hasn’t ever asked me about this but I guess therapists are not keenly aware of specific behaviors when it comes to attachment types. 🙏🏽
Interesting. I have traits of dismissive and avoidant and I use sex as a way to fast track "intimacy." I'm much more comfortable having s3x vs talking about my feelings and acknowledging I have "needs"🤮.
I'm learning so much about myself through this channel... Thank you! You don't know me, but I feel seen and understood by you! I guess it goes to show that these attachment styles are REAL! Apparently though Thais, I do need some support getting past the Power Struggle stage of my many, many relationships. I'm a DA and the longest relationship I've ever been in is 3 years. I do feel that I avoid intimacy, but I often justify it to myself by telling myself that that person just wasn't the right one for me. In my current relationship, he is always complaining that I have withdrawn the sex (and I have... lol) What's a girl to do?
it's really crazy because why do they get into the relationship so hardcore sexual but then turned it off midway through the relationship my ex was so sexual in the beginning and in the end all he did was play on his computer 24/7
Hey I saw your comment and my situation was very similar (me the SA and she the DA). How long did it take to you to withdraw from sex after starting with this very high sexual tension from the beginning where you could basically have sex in the evening or even during work (from home)?
When I first started dating my " DA" , I wasn't aware of attachment theory & didn't know what I was dealing with. I just assumed it was Narcissistic/ borderline, etc.
@@sunbeam9222 yet I have never sworn at anyone on this channel. Thais is great. I believe that the DM can change, but until that point happens, they are what they are.
@@nilesengerman8263Sure there are comorbidities in all situations, but you made your statement as if this is a fact about all DAs. Most DAs are actually quite sensitive and do care about others, but they tend to shut down because being sensitive and having those kinds of feelings led to them getting hurt and traumatized in their past.
My husband was very sexual when we were dating, but as soon as we got married he started to withdraw. I noticed and tried to talk about it, which I guess came across as "criticism" or "pressure" so things got worse. Fast forward eight years and all sexual contact stops, point blank. We haven't had sex since April 2022. We barely touch at all now, not even to hug or hold hands. I took the lack of intimacy very personally at first, I assumed I was the problem. Now I understand that it has very little to do with me.
Was in a relationship with a DA for 3 years. The first 6 months *I* thought that sex was great, but apparently there were sexual needs that were not being met by my ex that she wasn't sharing with me. This led to her withdrawing, having less libido, and her finally mentioning things sexually in the past (sometimes a year later) that she didn't like, or wanted more of. This led to me being too in my head, and then her being *triggered* by sex and not wanting to have it. Eventually push came to shove, she convinced herself it was just an incompatibility issue and that it would never work, and broke it off.
What is libido intensity of DA? Do they prefer self pleasure? That s what I feel. Also I feel they easily get into casual relationship and one night stands. While hiding it as if nothing happened. Any studies on DA and their secret promiscuity.
Thais, i have been with ny husband for 24 years. I feel like im only really seeing him now. How I wish I had seen your videos so many years ago. He has left me again and weve done some significant damage to each other's spirits but im really hoping things can improve. Watching all your videos on repeat!
I wonder if there is a bit of crossover here between DA attachment style, and the asexual- aromantic spectrum. After spending some time trying to reprogam my DA tendencies, I realised part of the reason I avoid and pull away from romantic/ sexual relationships is that... I don't really want to be in one. It's socially normal to believe we need a romantic/ sexual relationship to be happy, but they are not for everyone! Personally I am much happier single, and feel relieved I no longer have to do any of this stuff.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Thanks for your comment! I'm not saying they are the same thing - I'm sure there are more DAs than aces out there. But there are social expectations around relationships which people may be trying to fulfill, even if it's not what they truly want. This could precipitate some DA traits. It doesn't excuse anyone's hurtful behavior, but I think if we (society) were more open to the range of different types of attraction people feel, and types of relationships they feel comfortable in... maybe that would set the scene for more authentic relationships. Whether you prefer platonic relationships like me, are polyamorous or whatever it is, feeling it's ok be honest about what you really want is probably a good start.
@@margaretphillips7927Obviously I don't know you, but as I read your comments, it comes across as someone working really hard to justify their DA tendencies rather than having to face the reality that their trauma leads them to treat people poorly and prevents them from finding the deep emotional connection they actually need and crave. I'm just out of a 7yr relationship with a DA. He often used the arguments you present here to justify his emotional distance, his flip-flopping about whether he wanted to be in a relationship with me, and to justify his promiscuity. But for him, the reality is that he does crave emotional closeness. After we broke up, he cried relentlessly, knowing that he just lost the person who offered him more emotional intimacy than he'd ever had before. Because he actually DID need it. Humans are social and pairing creatures. We need deep connection. And you can argue that not everyone needs a relationship, but there are forms of sustained, deep connection that simply can't happen outside of a relationship with a romantic partner. Obviously you have full right to choose singleness for yourself. But I think it's probably delusion to say that you simply don't have the same social-emotional needs as everyone else. Have you actually buckled down and done the hard work of uncovering your trauma? Dealing with it? Identifying your underlying needs for emotional connectedness? If not, it sounds to me like you really should try.
Would you mind me asking if you feel if there is a difference between best friendships/romantic relationships? My ex who is a diagnosed DA said that she could never tell the difference and also wondered if she was on the spectrum because of that.
I believe my Ex was FA but leaned heavily DA in most of his other attachments. After our first break up he asked for a break from sex that I thought was odd but I was happy to oblige because I have been in relationships where I was constantly guilted for sex and I never wanted to do that for him. We had a very strong sexual connection and I think it really was one of the areas that became too much for him. I think it was one of the main things that gave him vulnerability hangovers. I think the performance anxiety and being brought back to his body was too much.
I’m DA and shut down and pull back when I feel overwhelmed by a person and can’t express my frustrations. For me it has nothing to do with fear. Often, I’ve let my partners walk all over me and my shutting down sexually is a way to deal with feeling as if the person treats me like an object. It’s also because I find the person repulsive and I cannot stand to be around them anymore. Then I slow fade out of their life. I’ve had pretty unhealthy partners and when I was really young, was was atrociously abusive.
sometimes its not that simple, for two years, we couldnt keep our hands off each other. Had our first child and for the past 12 years, its been a struggle. unfortunately, its all unravelling now after 14 years and now ive been completely destroyed
OMG, this makes so much sense now. I thought I was the crazy one . I feel sorry for the man who I felt so much love for . He is so messed up and that breaks my heart so much 😢 He recently blocked me and Idk if I will ever hear from him again . I would like to be friends but only time will tell.
It's so high maintenance. You can't even have a conversation without them make you feel like crap. If you find a DA just walk away. It doesn't worth the headache.
He spent four years sexting me whether via text descriptions or what he wanted to do to me or video….yet then once we were about to spend time together he had a health issue ….somehow had two fissures and got urethratitis somehow …then he insulted me by saying he felt dead inside when we made out. Yet he was aroused??? I now see that he’s on hook up apps….funny considering he made the idea of sex such an issue when it came to me. I feel used.
@brianhill6842 Its called baiting, and he's a narcissist not an avoidant. It's a cruel game they love to play to make you feel worthless while they go dating other people that they easily hook up with behind your back or not behind your back ( they might even give you a taste of normal intimacy all to keep you addicted then take it all back) and of course its your fault. It's crazy making all to make you the more hopeless, working to feed their black hole while becoming one yourself. It really is sadistic. Glad to hear you're out of the relationship, never look back. I went through it for many years.
So happy I can laugh at this now. Dated a NARC. Completely different experience with an avoidant. Key- narcissist try to control you. Even if it’s subtle. They don’t like to see you happy. They are thief’s of joy. It is hard for people who are not highly guarded to understand. Once they attack you are left wondering what did I do. I have dated covert and OVERT. Coverts play the victim - they don’t understand. OVERT seek to crush your soul and make you out to be the bad guy, stupid, not on their level etc. Stay away from them at all costs.
I walked away from my DA, for the 2nd time, two months ago. We never had a sexual relationship. We never made it passed a peck on the lips. We even lived together, shared the same bed every night, and never progressed. If I ever communicated my feelings, he took it personal no matter how well I communicated them. I learned that I had to let him “steer the wheel” about everything. He’s a good man but I can’t heal him. The last straw was him verbally attacking me about something he thought I had done. I proved to him I hadn’t. I could tell he felt really bad. But after his non-chalant apology and the things he said, I didn’t feel comfortable living with him anymore and moved out while he was out of town.
I’d always wondered why my ex was just shut down sexually. We never got down to it ever in our 7 month relationship, and that’s ok. She must’ve really felt inadequate as a whole if she didn’t want to get that point in our relationship. She also never would stay over, or invite me over to her house. Anytime she was with me in my room, she was ALWAYS sitting on the edge of the bed and never ever laid down with me. I knew *something* was wrong, but never asked. I’m glad we are in our NC period post breakup, because it’s allowing me to grow and figure her out as a whole. I’m hoping for a reunion with her one day, because I totally understand her needs in life.
my ex in the year and 7 months of being together, he never initiated sex or brought sex up as a conversation about what he wanted and was interested in. I had to lead the conversations and he would shut down.
It's about 2,5 since my ex gf broke up with me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't even know of the concept of attachment styles, I did a quiz and got the DA attachment style and I started to read about it and it was so eerie to read, like 95% on it fit on me and how I behaved in the relationship. Sex wasn't a big thing to me, I guess due to my DA tendencies but I also had a very stressful period with work and other stuff in my life. I was exhausted and really valued my alone time at home with my hobbies and chores. I only met her a few days per week and had sex like every other week or so. I did however enjoy being close to her. I loved hugging her, kissing her and cuddling with her. Also, I was introduced to pornography at a young age and it is deeply rooted in me. It was up until recently I truly understood the problem with it. That is also a part of why I didn't have sex with her that much, because she was someone I cared about and I didn't want to relate her to girls in adult videos. I'm just a big mess and maybe she is better of without me now that she is with someone else. And it's not so much that I felt nitpicked or personally attacked in some way when she tried to talk to me. It's just that I shut down. I didn't have the knowledge to understand what I felt and the explain what I felt and my brain just went into ERROR. I miss her like crazy, but then again, maybe she is better of without me
My DA ex was also into pornography from a younger age… this was a HUGE problem in our relationship since his lusting bled into our life. Flirting, secret pornography… said he loved me more than anything in the world then disrespected me constantly. Porn is a weapon to destroy society… lowers testosterone and changes your neural pathways. I would do everything you can to get off of it.
You sound exactly like my ex. Most likely she is better off without you yes. But for your own sake it is good that you have learned about yourself and can now start to take steps to heal and change that.
My lovely, I have tears in my eyes as I type this because you described my ex boyfriend who I broke up with 2 months ago. I too miss him so much, and today was particularly a hard day in terms of missing him for some reason. I’m so so sorry we have ti go through this. It hurts my heart. I was left feeling just like you said: unattractive, unfuckable, I even questioned if I was being too needy or clingy, when all I asked for were basic needs in a relationship. I’m very very sad to know there are more men like that out there. They know they are shit but they don’t seem to believe they can change. May our hearts be healed soon.
@@heirapparent1996I was with my ex for about 7 months. Before that we were friends for 4 years. We also have our group of mutual friends. Though we haven't seen eachother or talked to eachother for 2 months now. I'm in no contact and try to give us both some space and time. She was also a bit into porn, maybe not as much as me, and she was more expressive and secure. I'm not saying she was flawless in the relationship, I know what I would expect of her if we got back together. But I understand my own shortcomings and want to own up to them. She got with another dude rather quickly after our breakup, a long distance relationship. Hurt like hell when I found out. This was my first ever relationship and I now understand how little knowledge I had. These last weeks I have scienced the shit out of relationship and breakup dynamics and done alot of introspect. I miss her so much but I have to stay away, I have already embrassed myself by trying to beg and reason with her. I don't know what the future holds but I want us to get back together. But wether that's going to happen or not I still have some work to do.
Or you could just find a normal person who actually wants to have sex with you, will show you love, and you won't have to think about everything you say before you say it, and adjust it based on their infantile thinking. If they're DA, forget about it. Remember, it also means "DON'T ATTEMPT". It's exhausting and will affect you in a bad way.
This happened to me. I wish i knew all this while still in the relationship. She became distant and told me that she tried to use sex as a way to resolve our issues but realized it didnt work so sex flew out the window. She told me she didnt have any libido anymore. But then told me she had libido and was touching herself everyday. Thats when it really hurt me. She didnt understand herself what was going on. She tried to start having sex with me again but then the relationship ended. (For various ridiculous reasons). We could never get common ground on fights that were basically just misunderstandings.
Oh, it sure does. I'm FA, sex is one of my biggest emotional needs. But I shut down when I see signs of incoming abandonment/betrayal, such as lack of interest/communication/emotional connection with increasing interest for other people or activities. Physical touch becomes unpleasant, almost painful. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Being a SA survivor doesn't help at all. In that state I lose all functionality down there, because I associate arousal with crippling loneliness. I am avoidant leaning, I have a very short but painful fearful phase, and when I can't take it anymore, a "fuse" in my brain goes off -- I lose all attraction at once and avoid further interaction. Mind you, it's not necessarily a bad thing, it protects me from toxic/unfulfilling relationships. Still, it does make regular relationships much more difficult than they should be. Talking about it openly and honestly, and recieving reassurance does help to revert some damage. As well as establishing stability and predictability in the relationship.
I’m beginning to think I’m just more Avoidant than Borderline…. In my 30s and I’m just so confused lol But love these vids, definitely gives me a sense of clarity
ALL YOIR VIDEOS TALKS ABOUT HOW WE CAN BETTER DEAL WITH A DA... WHY NOT CONCENTRATE ON VIDEOS WHERE YOUR TOPIC IS MORE ABOUT THESE DA'S OVERCOMING THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES WITH PROBLEMS
Is there a male coach that is particularly versed in this issue? My DA may need extra guidance beyond the course and I will have questions as we heal this too.
Ben, is one of the PDS coaches. He was unhealed DA and now secure. You can book a free intro session with him here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/attachment-coaching
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you, I've seen him on some of the Webiners, he seems great. I remember him particularly because my DA is Midwest born and raised and doesn't have any abuse, physical neglect or specific trauma (some early school bullying and anxiety) but otherwise a loving family of very busy working Parents and a perhaps too loving Grandma caretaker and anxious loving Mom.
As someone who has been FA most of my life and is now leaning closer to secure and even experienced some DA phases, I’m sick of seeing so many FA’s bash DA’s as if the FA’s fear-based behavior is okay or better than the DA’s. Ofcourse you should and can hold your partner accountable and if it’s not working out you should move on because you don’t need to tolerate that, but a lot of times they’re painting the DA as a bad person and many of them are not. Also the anger/frustration a lot of times with DA’s from FA’s is that they’re angry because they’re trying to selfishly cling on to the DA, and when they can’t they are upset. Again, this is someone who was a FA most of my life dating DA’s a lot in the last so I know. In my opinion, as long as you’re mainly in some sort of attachment style other than secure, you will probably experience toxicity but also have some form of it yourself. No this is not your fault, but as an adult it is your responsibility to move towards secure if you’re expecting a healthy relationship. None of us are perfect secure or not, but just because the DAs toxic patterns are not supporting your toxic patterns, doesn’t mean it just them in the wrong. Now if you’re a secure person who has these frustrations, that’s different and not who I’m addressing. (I mean this with the most respect and from experience❤️)
So i used to communicate my needs to my DA ex, she would just listen and say nothing and things would change for a couple of days and then i would just accept the old behaviour again. But.... now i see that me asking for my needs was her taking it as criticism which then led to her feeling criticised by me and feeling unsafe and not wanting to have sex anymore. Which inturn led to me being frustrated and not understanding what was going on ... its sad i love her and im here for her but she rather just go about it on her own. As Dr. Les Carter says ... they create relationship collapse. What that video its mind opening !
Yes they do I saw that wacth Rc Blake on you can't fix them he will tell you that they may really care for you but they don't have the capacity to do it.
A "deadline " is considered an ultimatum to a DA ; that's not good. Let's find another word or concept to enhance & promote unity. Example: My tolerance of intermittent continuity has been extended beyond its normal self life, simply because I love you so much & I want to work on this together. Are you up for the joy ride. lol
I feel like this is more common with narcissistic DAs. I’ve had no problem with avoidants and intimacy unless they’re narcissistic and the type to criticize you.
I am reposting this comment that I just made in another video, because it actually matches this video subject: This is so sad and so true. The damage that I am left to clean up in my soul is enormous. The DA personalized an unexpected health issue that I had, that prevented me from being intimate only in one way, during our first time together, after 3 months getting to know each other online. They responded by literally curling up and turning away, even sleeping in another bed, as if I intentionally tried to ruin things. I experienced the most cruel deactivating strategies, including stonewalling and disdain, for a week, until my vacation visiting them was up. The DA was thinking of their wants and hyperfocused on that, instead of appreciating everything I did for them and who I am as a whole person. I got discarded over that one issue. When I brought it up later, the DA was still focused on what I couldn't do at the time, saying I chose not to, instead of accepting it was clearly a medical issue that prevented me. Really cruel or at the minimum, very unaware behavior. No one I know has ever responded like this. I even wondered if this person is on the spectrum as well. I put into practice self-care and compassion. I know that I deserved better than what happened. Reply
It was so awful that they did that to you and it is good that you realize you deserve better and walked away, but their behavior is not just from being DA, that’s extremely cruel and lacking any empathy or even rational thinking and I would guess they have some mental health issues that run much deeper than simply having an insecure attachment style! 😢
I realize now that he likely experienced a narcissistic injury and the event triggered shame. Then came the contempt and discard. I was so busy focusing on seeing him as only a DA, when narcissism is just as much, if not more, the reason for his behavior.
Thais please response I really need help! I’m an AP and husband is a dismissive avoidant.. he stops having sex and start giving silent treatment all on a sudden! Whenever I try to communicate he says he is just quiet cause it’s his nature as well as he is disturbed with some other issues of life. I’m really suffering for severe anxiety. Want to die everyday when I wake up. Any advice how can I make him work on his attachment style? Or make him not to stope these? Thanks
I dealt with some of these same issues for a long time. It wasn't until I found the strength to stand on my own two feet and start walking away that he finally started to wake up and respond. For my personal situation, his response was too little too late. For you, who knows. But I think it's a generally good guidance to take back your strength and self esteem. Stop letting him control those things in you. You're better than that and deserve better. You have to get to the point where you can begin to envision a life without him.
@@lzestrara1518 thanks for your kind words 🖤 really needed this. I’m trying to heal my anxious attachment style. Also kinda accepting the way he is. Cause divorce isn’t an option for me.
I'm very much DA, married to an AA (Fun times!) and have this issue... however while there's definitely this DA and AA dynamic component it's really become more the fact I find people gross and sex just disgusting more and more as I get older. Hairless apes... thusly I just have no interest anymore after dealing with requirements and criteria from the wife regarding it. Not really sure what to do about that as it's not some kind of protective / DA thing really at this point, it's more of a physical revulsion of the act which I don't see how to really get over.
I didn't know about the attachment styles of people and my husband is a da. I was honestly trying to just tell him areas I thought we should work on in our relationship but now I see he felt criticized. I feel so bad now. I'm a fa probably leaning more avoidant at least lately. I totally destroyed my marriage and hurt the love of my life and I feel so bad. I never meant to hurt him. How can I explain what happened to him so he can heal from me hurting him even if he does not want to be together at least he can heal. (Not saying he doesn't or does want to split up. It's me needing a break to focus on my healing but I feel so bad that I hurt him. )
I did the same thing unknowingly, I was ghosted after over a decade of being together. Time has helped me learn more about myself and understand my attachment style, I am Secure with some FA and DA.
My question is, now that I’m learning about the different attachment styles. I am learning that I am a secure attachment and my husband (together 17 years) seems to be the fearful avoidant attachment. I brought up learning about this and suggested he look it up as well. He does not like the idea and feels pressured. Go figure. But we truly do need him to learn about it otherwise how will he ever be privy to it enough to acknowledge it and do what he will with the knowledge?!
❤ love this topic. Question is when I was with my ex as time when on sex was slowing down. We've been broken up for 1yr now and he reaches out every 2 months and only wants to talk about having sex with me.... Why now? I'm never going to be a fwb type ever!❤😏
I only pulled back on sex when my exes became judgmental and mentally draining. There's nothing that turns a DA off quicker than someone who FORCES them to open up only to turn around and tell them their full of ish. I imagine more DAs go through that then most people think.
The dismissive avoidant female is immune to any feedback. She will say what she believes is the appropriate response however this is just a smokescreen to hide her real feelings.
I’m in a really strange situation with a DA we were having amazing sex for 3months and really connected and then they said they didn’t want it a few weeks back totally out of the blue and said they see me as a friend- so I’ve respected that. The things is, they are now more open, asks to spend time with me most days - makes me breakfast, dinner (always last min, dinner at mine in 20mins) thing is I got feeling for him and I can tell they did too) they are sharing more, making future plans spending whole days with me. They told me that their walls go up when sex is involved and he wants me in his life. He’s giving me stuff, want to just sit and watch tv with me or clean the house together . Started telling me about his childhood and his vulnerabilities. Asking me to sit on the sea front and go for walks !! Messaging me constantly asking me to go view houses with him for investments. I know he cares deeply about me, right? I just don’t understand the tension between us sexually is high!
@@jKDC1987 If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
So... here's the question...If the DA KNOWS that these feelings are excessive and has an AP spouse... Could a DA practice... i don't like the term "forcing" but "'practice powering through the intimacy hesitation" If they are self-aware enough to understand their brain isn't reliable enough to make that call during a "triggering event"? Can a DA's brain be rewired to stop shrinking away from sex by exposure therapy? Obviously in a totally safe environment where the partner has an EXTREMELY low chance of taking advantage of the person sexually? Like UPPING the DA's risk tolerance?
1:54 "If you're not getting your needs met whether it's sexually, emotionally, in many different ways in a relationship, you want to set a deadline."
People need to understand you can't change the other person. All you can do is communicate your needs and choose to have some patience. But if nothing changes, just walk away. You are not responsible for the other person's choices.
Just curious. Why would anyone want to have sex with you?
Very true. Short & sweet. That's reasonable.
Yep and I did I left his dead self behind.
Thank you for sharing .
How do I walk away from someone I love ?
@@walkertranger5746You love yourself more.
Very helpful, thank you. I’m pretty sure my gf has a DA attachment style whereas I have a secure style. When she pulled away and I called her on it, she dismissed me, avoided my questions, (surprise surprise) we finally had it out a few weeks ago. She was angrily pushing me away. I knew what it was.She broke down.I asked her if she felt safe, loved and accepted. She said yes, admitted she never learned to communicate what she needed. I asked her if she would be willing to learn how to do this (relationship) with me. She said yes. Thais your videos are great thank you again 🙏
I pray she does a lot of time without therapy they can't do it .I wish you the best.
wow, good luck! I am wishing the best for you and your partner ❤
Congratulations for your tactful approach and kindness ! Best of luck for you 2 !! ❤
Thank you for posting this.. i relate to your gf.. happy for both of you if you can make this work.!
@@leabutler5931 Thank you. I won’t lie, there are a lot of days I feel unwanted or unloved. But I’m aware it’s her not me. I would encourage you to tell the truth to your partner. Sometimes I literally have to verbally and mentally carry her through conversations and feelings. I do that because long term it will benefit both of us. Open truthful communication is best imo.
I am glad this was featured because it happened to me and it was so painful. I responded in the way everyone would, by questioning myself. I went through a very dark time because we had a great intimate connection so when he pulled away on that front it was immensely hurtful. Now after eleven months of that situationship, I am finally done.
Been there. Totally understand the darkness.
I've been there too. It took me 6 years to get out. He started pulling away after 1 year together.
Exactly the same! And yes situationship is what I call it too. Keep strong 💕🙏🏼
I'm 18 months into it. DA texts me regularly now from rare texts and no more days of deactivation. So the needle is moving?? But the once monthly meets continue. I'm not game to ask for more as he has been changing on his own accord.
Hmmm.. what do I do?
@@warmhart2034 Hey sorry to hear you’re with a DA. I was too, about 2 months ago. But I once again broke up with him. I have no doubt he loves me. But that isn’t good enough. If he can’t meet my needs (emotionally and physically), when I have several times spoken with him about it, then you can’t wait forever. He did make some changes but his pace was slow and he wasn’t willing to talk about things. I was left in the dark, questioning myself, he has made me feel more negatives things than positive things. Overall he has cause me more harm than good. I dont think he is a bad person, but I know I deserve to be happy and in peace and being his gf didnt not bring me either of those. Always love yourself first, and within a place of love you will make the right decision.
It’s exhausting trying to make an avoidant feel comfortable when everything sets them off. And you’re expected to respond perfectly while not getting any needs met.
This is exactly how I feel. Like, I’m tired. I’ve been the only one fighting for this relationship for years. I don’t want to keep reaching out only to get hurt. And even if it works, then what? I’m in a relationship that already had all this disappointment, fear, triggering, emotional abuse, but now she might agree to cuddle once in a while?
True, I hear you. I am with an avoidant. BUT what I see in my anxious client and in my past self, that EVERYTHING also set off us. everything triggered out abandonment wound, which made us not feeling worthy or good enough. So we attract where we have healing to do. Once you heal the parts of yourself and become the best version of yourself, and are able to express your needs in a healthy not criticising way and your
partner STILL doesn't move towards you, THEN you can always leave. But if you leave before YOU WILL regret it. As you will attract the same type pf partners and have even more baggage. That's why divorce rates of 2nd and 3rd marriages are even higher, than the 1st marriages, in my opinion.
Yes
Literally.
The avoidant person definitely needs to learn that they're ok in those situations where they want to shut down. That's very doable, although I don't think this person's method of talking about it works, at all. The only thing that's useful here is the deadline on action, everything else is in support of that.
What you might want to consider is why you have a desire to have them feel good or comfortable, and whether that's your responsibility or not. What enjoyment are you getting out of being their support worker that keeps you doing it? Personally I could never tell if wanting to help made you anxious or secure in your attachment, but I think the difference is mostly found in the presence of moderation (capability to maintain boundaries, good emotional regulation skills)
It's really so sad how complex our own coping mechanisms are to tangle out once we're grown up. It's like we've become our attachment style. Ah, i just wish for better parents for all children.
You are sweet and what you stated is correct. Parents do what they know and often it's not enough.
best is to break the cycle, for US to become securely attached and to then raise our kids into secure kids, because they will be most likely attracted whats familiar = secure one. :)
Had it from 100% to 0%. After 5 years of committed relationship. I was shocked, as if I was facing a totally different person. Was painful as hell, for AP it feels like rejection and sabotage as an intended break up. I brought up the topic, however was shut down by: I am ok like this, I don’t need it anymore and that after being a wild horse in bed. Such an abrupt stop was shocking to me… I did not know what to do.😢
Almost identical to my experience.
Same experience here
Not alone, sadly the same.
No one will abandon and screw you over like a DA. It’s all about them and their self-preservation which is based on completely irrational fears. Run away at the first sign of a DA.
Same here. No sex after 8/9 mths of our 7 yrs together.
As a DA i am trying soooooo hard to let go of the childhood and adolescent pain that caused me to put up walls to people its really difficult to get past these subconscious behaviors but Im doing my best, thats all i can do
Wish you well I feel empathy for the last DA I dated they had a long history of successive failed relationships 😞
@m_ru1993
They sabotage even the most harmonious relationship as what I've experienced. Contrary to what I expected, my being a secure base made him run because he felt safe with me and came too close!! Can't win!!
Unfortunately if you express your needs in sex or in the relationship in general they feel critized. They're unable to understand it's not about them but your needs are about you and your well-being in the relationship. They make it about they are critized and pressured. You can't win with a DA who isn't extremely self-conscious and into self-growth. The guy I used to know claimed to be that but never did real work. It was me going to therapy and try to heal from the pain the relationship caused. I don't recommend anyone to plan with a DA for the long run unfortunately. Very painful experience.
Empathy, communication, acceptance ,kindness ,& compassion. To become a securely attached person,very much a desire in this life.long term trusting relationships ,this all sounds like my cup of tea.Understanding psychology and how it relates to peoples childhood experiences & how that merges into their adulthood is very good to know. It's nice to have people who have studied this stuff so deeply and are caring enough to want to share it with others to help people. ❤
❤
I've definitely done this. Failed to meet a need that was explicitly told to me. Got criticized for it about as harshly as I've ever been criticized. Felt unsafe, withdrew, stopped communicating my thoughts and feelings, then it bled into sex, and I withdrew from that too. It's hard to have sex with someone and be that vulnerable with them when you feel they could stab you in the back at any moment (she didn't mean to and wouldn't on purpose, but sometimes your emotions don't care about intent).
Great video! It was very enlightening as a DA. Thank you
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
And You saw sex as a way of making her feel good than you enjoying the moment right?
What made you think they’d stab you in the back, would you say? It’s not obvious to us non-DAs.
It’s not your partners fault. It is yours. DA’s should not date until they are 100% healed. The trauma that put on your partner had to be so devastating.
@@CS.94 Can't speak for anyone else but likely being a DA myself ("undiagnosed" by a professional but self-reportedly fit most if not all of the criteria), this is my take on what could be meant by "stabbing in the back".
One of the core aspects of DA is not easily trusting other people and having a hard time trusting other people to treat us with emotional kindness.
We have often grown up to expect emotional neglect or even emotional abuse, so for us a high level of emotion is often deemed "not safe" or we haven't learned to process them very well.
A lot of the time we especially go out of our way to avoid rocking the negative emotional boat too much because we've typically learned that this is wrong - in return we often require the same from the people around us, at least as far as our close interpersonal relationships are concerned.
Eg. it's kind of an a "I try my best to not explode my negative emotions all over you so please don't explode your negative emotions all over me because I don't really know how to deal with that" kind of thing.
We're usually fine with constructive criticism if it's delivered with kindness so we can process it on a more cognitive level but harsh criticism rooted in emotion, especially from someone we've grown to trust enough to give a place in our lives, feels like a betrayal.
Not just unpleasant but straight up betrayal because it invalidates the trust we put into the other person (despite our initial misgivings) to not violate the agreement of being emotionally kind to eachother that we thought we had.
This means that once we've experienced that "breach of trust", we kind of expect it to unpredictably happen again at any moment so the safest option to avoid having our core wounds triggered again is withdrawing and/or labeling someone as "unsafe".
Hence the comparison of feeling like we might get "stabbed in the back" at any moment by that person.
My DA always told me he had a low libido or was too stressed or tired for intimacy. He didn’t understand why I valued intimacy because to him it was just “sex”. We tried to set a once a week schedule but that didn’t work out. I’d say we only had intimacy when I cried once a month over lack of intimacy. I tried to be strong and I didn’t want to pressure him. I even tried to not care about sex either but I couldn’t help but break down once a month. I felt very rejected and unwanted. We tried to communicate and would come up with solutions but he’d never follow through with our plan for more intimacy.
Later on, I found out he was meeting his sexual needs with a ton of online adult content videos. He always denied he was watching adult content but once I caught him, he started crying and said he felt shame doing it but couldn’t stop. He did admit that watching that stuff made him want intimacy even less because of all the guilt he carried. He said sex also felt like too much pressure and because he felt pressure he didn’t feel safe. Needless to say, we broke up and he told me he needed to go to therapy to work on and fix his avoidant attachment style. He said he really wanted to be in my life. He begged me to not block him because he was planning on returning in a year or two. I’m not sure if he ever went to therapy but after 2.5 months of no contact, he emailed me to say he’s not planning to be in my life and wished me the best.
I wish I knew about DA while dating him so I wouldn’t have blamed myself for everything. But after watching so many videos on DA, my relationship makes so much sense.
Same thing is happening to me.. the only difference is I’m married to this person! I’m doomed
I'm in the same situation too and I'm the DA in this matter. I love her so much and I have a big fear of loosing her because in my eyes I see woman who I wanna marry not a person I wanna see as an ex one day. The intimacy is the problem , it's declining big time. I feel pressured rather than wanting to enjoy. Mostly I'm always thinking about doing things right and making her enjoy than having me to enjoy the moment with her . Sometimes I wanna let her go and focus on healing myself because I think me healing is gonna compromise her happiness... Of which is something I don't want . I want her to be as happy as possible even it means me being out of the picture.💔😢
@@juniorleburu1333 you can work on yourself and have the grace to have your partner by your side. They do not exclude the other. I am sure if she is aware of the issues you want to work on, and actually work towards them, she will be even more appreciative of you
I was 13 years in same thing but I find out after 13 years that my partner watched pornography. It was shock because I never saw him. I lost many years . What a life lesson to be with avoidant. 🤍🙏
@@cuteziyanta1473❤❤❤ here for you, experience this in my own marriage
So painful to hear this right now, brought me to tears because i didnt even know much about attachment theory before my divorce a few months ago, i see that i was showing up with these DA tendancies and i didnt know how to communicate it and felt a deep sense of shame when i wasnt giving my wife what she needed, and it didnt help that she has deep unhealed mother wounding and couldnt provide the care and openness to get me to open up in this way. I judged myself so harshly for this and that made it much worse, she couldnt see what i was going through and couldnt help to pull me out of my head, and i didnt have the tools to pull myself out of it.
Thank you for sharing your story. Did you eventually find tools to help yourself? Have you been able to implement them in a relationship setting successfully?
@@lzestrara1518 ive been single since then and am not looking for a new relationship for a while, i have much in my life that i need to sort out at this time that i dont feel confident in my ability to sustain a serious relationship. I have however been developing a social network of people who i can discuss these things honestly and openly with and that has been of tremendous benefit to my overall wellbeing, ive also been journaling a lot and using writing prompts and daily techniques from others in this field which have been very useful tools for self reflections and growth. One of the best things i think is learning to show the self patience, kindness, compassion, and understanding.
My DA shut down so hard towards the end when I tried to move the needle sexually that they ended up breaking up with me after 2.5 years. So much for being the DAs kryptonite. I’m FA leaning AA. We were taking things very slow, so by the time I finally tried to move the needle it was too late. Also, the fact that they felt criticized whenever I tried to express my needs in healthy ways using techniques from PDS and other attachment coaches added to this. The NVC technique absolutely did not work with my DA at all. It’s like I had to strip any emotion out of my needs and even then it still got taken as criticism. It was a real challenge and unfortunate because I really love my DA but it takes two. I am now in NC focussing on myself. For those still in a relationship with a DA enduring the push/pull cycle, best of luck to you.
I’m married to the person who does the same! Seems like no words are good for him and everything is criticism to him..
Omg true.. I tried NVC and it didnt work on DA. His reaction is when I expresssed my needs with nvc was either completely stonewall or defensive. 3 weeks of NC still healing
What is NVC?
@@jerusalem4492 non-violent communication
@@jerusalem4492 NVC stands for nonviolent communication. There is a book about it by Marshall Rosenberg, but you can also find a two or three hour video about it on TH-cam where the author speaks about it. It follows the observation/Feeling/needs/request formula.
Good point about how they are often in a dissociated state. Makes so much sense. How they intellectualize their feelings.
I am an extreme DA, the best relationship I ever had was within someone who I think was also DA, he was certainly a commitment-phobe. It was great, he demanded nothing from me emotionally, I was happy in that no pressure relationship. He once asked me where I saw the relationship going and I said ‘nowhere’, he was happy with that and I was happy we understood each other. It lasted a couple of years, I still look back on it as a good experience.
Why did y’all break up?
@KeiyaHood right I want to know to. Sounds like a match made in heaven
As a DA myself, that sounds like the perfect partner, haha... I know that's MESSED UP, but yeah ...
He told me "I'm not very passionate" and it was true. Maybe he faked it during the first weeks, because we had an awesome chemistry. And suddenly... no more sex or kisses or anything really. He's back on dating apps looking for the next ex.
I got „sex is overrated“ after a few months, he was also very passionate in the first months before that.
What I don’t get is, do they just hope that their tendendcies miraculously won’t appear with another person, or do they just hope that the next person will accept their behaviors without questioning them, so they don’t have to explain themselves, which they obviously hate. Either way, it’s not going to work like this, ever.
Some avoidants are sadly so terrified of negative feelings and the anxiety that comes with being alone that they use dating as a coping mechanism. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
@@thealphabetistthe fact is these videos never answer those questions.
I was in a situation that I had entirely wrong.
He was very passionate in the beginning.
He also was forthcoming about his living arrangement which included his young daughter living with him 100% of the time which made me feel awkward to be intimate with her in the next bedroom.
Further this with he did not come to bed at any time where we could be intimate.
At first he went to bed a 9:00pm. And he had all this ridgidity around his schedule. Then he started coming to bed around 11 pm and I would be asleep. You couldn’t wake him in the middle of night because he’d complain it interrupted his sleep cycle.
Eventually I was like - why am I begging this man to be intimate. Why do I have to schedule intercourse? So I stopped.
It didn’t really enjoy it that much to begin with because it wasn’t the same level of passion as it was in the beginning.
At the end of the relationship he blamed me. lol.
I didn’t care because we had some many other issues that I was ready to go.
I hindsight this is why dating is so difficult. A lot of men, particularly men who are raised in poor economic environments have a lot of untreated, unaware traumas.
I see a person and the struggles they got through thinking this makes them deserving but it actually makes them a complete mess in a relationship.
I have been so loving and understanding to these men and they treat me like crap. I know I am not a victim and I refuse to be a victim.
It’s me not them because you can’t judge a book by its cover. The cover looks nice, may have some scratches, it’s worn and attractive. Open the book, first chapter is good. Keep reading, informative is redacted. Pages turn out, red lines, shambles. This is my experience with men.
We were together for only 2 months but never had sex, because it was not important for him. He was so unpredictable that it re-traumatised me and made me suicidal. It’s been only 2 weeks that I moved away (I had to after he ended things with me, because he still wanted to see me casually and it was hard for me to say no - I’m an FA btw) I blocked him everywhere because the simple thought of him coming back to my life triggers a panic attack. Never met a DA before and it scares me what they can do 😢
Okay. Can we all agree that these videos are informative they do not give us any idea of what to say. Rather how to say what needs to be said to our DAs.
For some reason my energy has shifted to so much anger right now.
I’m just tired of feeling trapped and buying into this is going to get better.
I think these platforms are mostly here to get us to buy courses and coaching based in hopes that a person we chose to love will some day magically open it again like they did when we first met and allowed us to feel seen and safe.
I wrestle with the idea that I am a liar if I chose to walk away because when you love someone it is for better or worse (unless it’s truly abusive).
Every love song seems to be about unrequited love where there isn’t reciprocity.
Just don’t understand why people who know they aren’t capable of being in a relationship even approach another when it’s ultimately a path of destruction.
I’m coming close to my decision day and it’s not looking like my connection is going to improve.
I’m too nice, too understanding, too empathetic and like those things about me but evidently they do not serve me in relationships where people have these deep seeded issues and are possibly aware but don’t have the decency or capacity to just say - hey. I got some messed up behaviors. I want this so it might get rough at times but don’t leave me.
I think I’ve been done this road more than one time and it’s making sense and it’s really pissing me off right now.
leave. it will be liberating 🙏🏻
your not alone🤝
If you want to be constantly friend- zoned & uncertain of your relationship status, just find a DA
100%. Don't waste your time and energy. Run very far away and don't look back.
Sadly you're 💯 correct 👍. You will feel completely invisible in their presence. This will deteriorate your self esteem if you stay.
Or FA. Lol.😁
That really made me laugh. With compassion but thanks for the laughter and reminding me to simply observe
This is no shit! But I kinda like her.
Nothing provides a “sense of no pressure” like a “deadline”. DAs everywhere 🤯
Yep, that just made me think….lets bring that deadline forward to tomorrow, I’m out.
Thais, you are like an older loving, wise sister to me. Your videos are so healing! It is actually outrageously unnerving just to how accurate your analysis is.
You have illuminated in depth my last 7 month relationship with a woman I was growing to deeply love.
I have to say, it's frustrating that the DA pulls back if they "feel" judged, yet their partner is expected to accept the DA's criticisms of their "flaws." I'm sorry, but that's not a healthy dynamic. The DA needs to understand how their hurtful behaviors impact their partner if they want to achieve a healthy relationship.
Your right, but what your missing is until they do the work to heal they will continue to not understand. They have to do the healing, no one can do it for them.
Hey@@phenpier82 , I totally agree with you :) I just wanted to point out the importance of the partner who is involved with a DA to see how unbalanced it is and discern what is best for themself. It's good to have compassion, but sometime too much compassion allows people to stay in unhealthy situations for too long.
If you replace "hurtful" with "fearful" as you judge your DA, you might be able to respond more than react. Distancing is no more intentionally "hurtful" than is clinging. Both behaviors are fear-driven.
No one is telling you to accept criticism. You can walk away, or you can let them know in a mature way. No one is forcing you to love a DA.
@@LentilSoupGirldo you think we can choose who we fall for? When they show their avoidant attachment we are already in love or very emotionally invested. It seems you haven't met an avoidant.
At first I thought it was me. I was not sexy enough not turning him on. He included me in his appointment with his urologist. He also made it seem as if I may have been sexually abused since it was important to me. It got worse the longer we got together to the point I was being bread crumbed. I also did not want to bring it up again. He also wanted to get into S&M. We aren’t together now.
My partner was into this sort of stuff. DA too. Sex died. He ended it when I brought it up.
Was the urologist appointment thing to “prove” his low libido to you?
@@Ghostecy I don’t think of it as to prove his libido. Now that I learned abt DA, it was his way of telling me it had nothing to do with what I believed was truth. He couldn’t fully explain so inviting me to the appointment was actually huge.
They feel nitpicked with everything, so they pull away all the time.
I felt in love with my dear FA friend listening to Thais. I feel so much tenderness for her, because I start to imagine my loved FA as a neglected child, that needs cuddle and hugs. Really I can't help but think like this anymore
What about DA’s that want to fantasize about sex and a relationship but never want to see the object of their fantasies in person. Prefer setting and texting to an in person relationship.
Leave them
Oh God. I see all the victims' stories and my heart aches for you. I'm just recovering from a situationship with a 41yo sexless DA who in 4 years never introduced me to his family. We need to trust our own healing and that we'll be able to avoid avoidants in the future. Never again.
Best of luck to everyone ...and please dump your DAs asap, don't waste time hoping and waiting,learn from my mistake.
Trust me, the fears can and DO apply before you've built an attachment. They can stop you building any kind of attachments to start with
I'm a DA and can relate to most of what she is saying. In the past I would pull away after a while, and when they would get upset, that would be the excuse that I needed to get out of there. Now I want to discuss things, and definitely don't ever blame her. I see this as my problem, and something that I deal with on a daily basis. I want to show her that I love her because she is a wonderful human being. That's what keeps me going and to not be so much in my head. Communicate, be vulnerable and stop feeling ashamed...
Absolutely exhausting.... WTF... why would anyone go to those lengths to convince a DA of all these things? Its so absurd that a person who just pulls away and shuts down constantly ,what kind of future could anyone have. Walk on egg shells have more conversations about sex in order to make it feel safe so the person can be present in their body and consider it? They run away when they get attached... they see any love or support as a negative/fear and pull away... wth? Sounds like the DA needs hospitalization not relationship advice.
And they will not communicate or answer basic questions so you can process whatever they are going through and exposing you to.
@@KeiyaHoodexactly or they will project the blame on you, deny, lie, attack, you name it. It's a no win situation.
@@KeiyaHoodall too relatable
I appreciate your content so much! You're so familiar with all aspects of bonding and how the difference facets interact with each other and its expressed through how you articulate the dynamics. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us! Keep up the amazing world and keep improving your viewers relationships!
You're so welcome Jackie! Appreciate your comment :)
Ahhhh now I understand why my ex did this. 😩 What a revelation. Thank you so much ❤
You're welcome ❤
My DA husband took my self-esteem to the lowest of the low. I no longer even WANT to be vulnerable with him anymore. He's changed the way I HAVE TO show up in this relationship in order to protect myself from the rejection and lack of intimacy and connection.
I'm a DA, and I've withheld for the first time ever for nearly 10 months now. I know exactly why (over a specific phrase/threat), and I know it's not healthy. However, my partner isn't interested in development or growth, and I'm working on myself and my new healthy future.
I love the point about internalizing parents behaviours! and being disconnected from the body
Im the DA in my relationship. I really wish that I didn't hard wire myself this way. Its not by choice. It's hard to put in to words how i feel and probably the same for other DA people. Looking back at childhood and the traumas in my life, past relationships etc and learning more and more about myself; the more i cant bear myself. I WANT to feel love yet i dont think ive ever truly felt it. I think ive always confused lust with love. When it comes to sex, im very much as described in the video. After a certain amount of time and there no pattern to that time, something in my brain triggers me to switch off my emotions and then its down hill from there. Its so hard to deal because in that initial stage, i truly feel like i love that person, will do anything for them, its the ultimate feeling, cant live without them and then BAM whoa you're getting to close now, you want more intimacy, date nights, quality time. I've hurt a lot of people running from relationships and now as i understand it more and the way i am, it actually makes it harder because while it may look i lack empathy due to my outward my emotions; My inward emotions cripple me from the pain and upset i cause. I don't want to end up a lonely undateable person thats unable to feel and show love, who does want that?
Im starting therapy soon, ive been diagnosed with PTSD from past traumas that need to be resolved in my mind, traumas that helped me hard wire myself like this.
Unfortunately its taken many relationships to notice this pattern of behaviour in myself and realisation that i HAVE to change because the problem is me.
I can see how hard it is for other partner not having their needs met...it takes an incredibly strong person to be with someone like me. I wouldn't even recommend getting with someone like me but what i would ask is if you are educated on attachment styles is to make the DA person in your life aware that they might be a DA person because honestly up until recently i didn't know DA was even a thing until i stumbled up on it and felt everything being said in a video was me.
My DA is 63 and diabetic. He has developed ED and has recently gotten so frustrated that he has started distancing himself from me physically in the time he spends with me and having intimacy with me. He brought up going to the dr for viagra 5 months ago when we began our romantic relationship, but has never made an appt for it. He had an appt with dr for something else but never talked to the dr about his ED. What can I do as a partner in this situation. Our relationship had been very sexual from the beginning and I love him very much.
my now FA ex deactivated and pulled away and stopped wanting to be intimate (we used to have an amazing sexual relationship), he would also cover himself when naked like getting out of the shower or something. I caught him looking at porn and he immediately acted like a small child would covering his face and said that he was embarrassed and ashamed. I only brought it up because I had been asking for intimacy but he would not engage. He apologized but when I said that I was still struggling and upset he got very mad immediately. That and I would imagine other things (we went through a very hard time with me super sick for months and he had to do everything and I don't think I was able to meet his needs and he potentially felt taken advantage of even though I definitely did not mean to make him feel that way) led to him completely deactivating and moving out. :( i'm heartbroken. He said he resents me but can't point out exactly why. Pregnant with his baby and he's gone.:(
We had such a passionate sex life. But already after a few months he shut down. No sex at all but cuddling. When I approached him sexually he even behaved kind of uptight. It was like being with another person. Then it came to the point that he even didn't change his underwear (because he didn't have the time for laundry). At this stage I ended it.
I’m thinking my boyfriend pulled away from me sexually too. He said he didn’t think he has any needs. All of this today has left me astonished. It would be easier dating a magic 8 ball.
it's not about sex, it's about safety. There are very obvious signs that a DA feels safe in a relationship vs before if they didn't . They initiate togetherness/ show flexibility and are available to create closeness. They make future plans, they are open to new experiences. They are less scared of the world and explore out of their shell. They look forward to things they swore they would never try and they are more expressive. They will chime in about their childhood, their dreams and their hurt. They come to you with their day and tell you how much the world sucks. But then they smile when you smile. You can't miss these, especially if you've seen what they were before. None of these have anything to do with sex, but it shows that their comfort zone is expanding to allow foreign feelings. Their capacity to overcome their fears has grown. Do not sleep with people who have their walls up. Do not attempt to bring their walls down. Just be safe.
I am 100% safe the DA tells me , that I tick all the boxes, that our relationship is harmonious. Yet, he can't bring himself to see me more than once a month. His fears from previous past hurts must be massive!!!
@warmhart2034 It's not about what he says, it's what he does that dictates how he safe he feels. If he can't bring himself over to even spend time with you, how safe do you think he really feels? This is not me saying you need to fix that, just look inward to make sure you're showing up healthy yourself.
@@Mississippian
As I mentioned somewhere here, he must have massive fears from ex-gfs criticising, demanding from him. He stated" I fear reprimand"
I think he fears too that once he gets closer, I will start to ask for more and then he gets reprimanded if he can't meet.
He has been moving the needle but ever so slooowly but has hit a brick wall with the in-person meets.
And yess, it's turned me to lean anxious/avoidant when I used to be predominantly secure, so not healthy really for me.
@@warmhart2034 Please view his fears from the past relationships as bleeding into yours thereby creating a general sense of unsafely. It is not your responsibility to fix this, but it may be a good idea to look into why you stay. Clearly he's not offering a real relationship, yet you're attached to the lack of closeness. He may not change but you can!
@Mississippian
Of the innumerable men I've dated, the trait variability attraction is powerful, that's why I've stayed and because he has made some changes BUT he has now hit a brick wall and i don't think he can progress any further.
So alas, I might have to let him go 😔
This was very enlightening and helpful in understanding the shut down and all that goes along with it. Thank you 🙏❤️
I’m really struggling to pinpoint my attachment style. I’m ADHD so feel like I could be them all! But also feel very secure in myself, but knowing my brain works differently
Try the quiz!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you
FA here, in a relationship with a DA, probably power struggle phase. If you take in ideas for videos, please consider doing a video on how to approach the subject with a DA partner. In particular:
Are the DA's generally receptive to the idea that they are DA? Is it better to try to fix my part of the issue or bring them in on this? If I should talk to them, how?
Does a DA generally want to heal? Why? It seems to me that DA's tend to be quite content being super independent and they don't see it as a problem. What incentivises them to work on it?
To me it seems that if I bring this up, it is ME wanting them to change, not them wanting to change.
Then again, I feel like I cam heal quite a lot of the dynamic from my side... communicating my needs more specifically, in a practical way. Already working on that... and my volatility diminishes quite bit just by being aware of it all.....
Still... I feel it is unfair if I need to do this alone. And I feel like I'm taking all of the blame. Yet... they have become so much more supportive after I started communicating better, and THEY do not blame me... (I do...)
Yep. I was with FA for four years. No more . He cheated. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I am much happier alone. I will get into a new relationship in time. Thank you, Lord!!
This video is such an eye opener. I really wish I'd had this information sooner. I've honestly never encountered this type of relationship before.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator BarryInvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Did you have children? Only once a year during the first 6 years of marriage but I guess I'm super fertile and have 2 children. Your words ring so true for me except the cheating part- sorry you had to deal with that in addition! My self esteem is very low, nothing like it was 18 years ago.
This is a BOT posting. They're scamming you, don't contact that Gmail.
I now realize I spent/ wasted? time with a DA. I’m beginning to think DAs should work on working on themselves & learn to live in the present.
I didn’t have the perfect childhood, was left to cope & thereby forced to grow.
This served me well through life. It’s been a learning experience. Either learn to cope with life, or choose not to and suffer the consequences.
Blaming my life on my parents just dosent work for me; it’s my life & responsibility to make it work. Freedom of choice is humanities inheritance
I think my ex was a FA who also avoided sex about 6 months into our relationship. Unfortunately he said I was too much and that I should dial down my needs for affection and intimacy, and instead of turning around and running, I believed I was the problem, then near the end of the relationship I learned that he had been watching porn all along even though I had made it known that I was not interested in being with someone who consumed pornography. It felt like a betrayal that he was taking care of himself with pornography while hiding it from me, and neglecting my sexual needs. I wasted almost 3 years of my life with him and regret staying for so long because of the emotional damage it caused me, and the damage to my self-esteem. I have learned to recognize an avoidant now so I can avoid them before I get too attached.
OMG. Yes. They watch porn. Had this discussion jokingly and I told him I would want to be his porn. It’s just too much.
It is good to have a psychological based understanding of human behavior instead of the generalizations we are exposed to on other dating platforms.
I have a dating and relationships channel and I removed all of my videos because this stuff is so much deeper than having standards and boundaries. You almost need a degree in psychology to date these days if you want to have a successful long term relationship.
All this time I have been beating myself up thinking I did something wrong.
I understand that I was very anxious and I consider myself to be secure/avoidant.
It was the safety I felt in not being sexually pursued that really made me fall in love.
I was a bit frustrated earlier when I was watching this but now I have complete gratitude.
When I talk with my peers, which I seldom do, it’s always the generalized BS that he’s not into you.
And in my heart I know that he is.
I believe he knows he has issues but he is pretty set in his ways and we always want to be the one that made the bad boy be the saint.
I just want to kiss face and give him a big ole hug and tell him. Everything is going to be okay.
Today I am not nearly as confused as I have been for months.
I still don’t know what to do or how to do it but at least for my sanity these pulling away patterns and the Davinci Code conversations we have had make sense to me and that what I felt wasn’t all in my head.
I a bit disappointed that my therapist hasn’t ever asked me about this but I guess therapists are not keenly aware of specific behaviors when it comes to attachment types. 🙏🏽
Interesting. I have traits of dismissive and avoidant and I use sex as a way to fast track "intimacy." I'm much more comfortable having s3x vs talking about my feelings and acknowledging I have "needs"🤮.
I'm learning so much about myself through this channel... Thank you! You don't know me, but I feel seen and understood by you! I guess it goes to show that these attachment styles are REAL! Apparently though Thais, I do need some support getting past the Power Struggle stage of my many, many relationships. I'm a DA and the longest relationship I've ever been in is 3 years. I do feel that I avoid intimacy, but I often justify it to myself by telling myself that that person just wasn't the right one for me. In my current relationship, he is always complaining that I have withdrawn the sex (and I have... lol) What's a girl to do?
Get on-going therapy and heal before you hurt someone else.
it's really crazy because why do they get into the relationship so hardcore sexual but then turned it off midway through the relationship my ex was so sexual in the beginning and in the end all he did was play on his computer 24/7
Hey I saw your comment and my situation was very similar (me the SA and she the DA). How long did it take to you to withdraw from sex after starting with this very high sexual tension from the beginning where you could basically have sex in the evening or even during work (from home)?
When I first started dating my " DA" , I wasn't aware of attachment theory & didn't know what I was dealing with. I just assumed it was Narcissistic/ borderline, etc.
These are remarkably selfish people. They crumble once they realize their partner sees through the facade
@@sunbeam9222 yet I have never sworn at anyone on this channel. Thais is great. I believe that the DM can change, but until that point happens, they are what they are.
@@sunbeam9222 not quite from my experience. I was thinking perhaps borderline. But DA doesn't exist in a vacuum. There have to be comorbidities.
@@nilesengerman8263Sure there are comorbidities in all situations, but you made your statement as if this is a fact about all DAs. Most DAs are actually quite sensitive and do care about others, but they tend to shut down because being sensitive and having those kinds of feelings led to them getting hurt and traumatized in their past.
@@blendathegoodwitch for sure trauma plays a role. I have little sympathy for those that don't help themselves.
Setting the deadline is so important!!!
What is your experience with sex shut-down?
My husband was very sexual when we were dating, but as soon as we got married he started to withdraw. I noticed and tried to talk about it, which I guess came across as "criticism" or "pressure" so things got worse. Fast forward eight years and all sexual contact stops, point blank. We haven't had sex since April 2022. We barely touch at all now, not even to hug or hold hands. I took the lack of intimacy very personally at first, I assumed I was the problem. Now I understand that it has very little to do with me.
@@archivist_of_dragonstoneWhat are you going to do about it now that you know?
Nothing, he told me he considers our marriage to be over about a week ago and left. I haven't talked to him since. @@lzestrara1518
Was in a relationship with a DA for 3 years. The first 6 months *I* thought that sex was great, but apparently there were sexual needs that were not being met by my ex that she wasn't sharing with me. This led to her withdrawing, having less libido, and her finally mentioning things sexually in the past (sometimes a year later) that she didn't like, or wanted more of. This led to me being too in my head, and then her being *triggered* by sex and not wanting to have it. Eventually push came to shove, she convinced herself it was just an incompatibility issue and that it would never work, and broke it off.
What is libido intensity of DA? Do they prefer self pleasure? That s what I feel. Also I feel they easily get into casual relationship and one night stands. While hiding it as if nothing happened. Any studies on DA and their secret promiscuity.
Thais, i have been with ny husband for 24 years. I feel like im only really seeing him now. How I wish I had seen your videos so many years ago. He has left me again and weve done some significant damage to each other's spirits but im really hoping things can improve. Watching all your videos on repeat!
I wonder if there is a bit of crossover here between DA attachment style, and the asexual- aromantic spectrum. After spending some time trying to reprogam my DA tendencies, I realised part of the reason I avoid and pull away from romantic/ sexual relationships is that... I don't really want to be in one. It's socially normal to believe we need a romantic/ sexual relationship to be happy, but they are not for everyone! Personally I am much happier single, and feel relieved I no longer have to do any of this stuff.
@@terence.j Is it?
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Thanks for your comment! I'm not saying they are the same thing - I'm sure there are more DAs than aces out there. But there are social expectations around relationships which people may be trying to fulfill, even if it's not what they truly want. This could precipitate some DA traits. It doesn't excuse anyone's hurtful behavior, but I think if we (society) were more open to the range of different types of attraction people feel, and types of relationships they feel comfortable in... maybe that would set the scene for more authentic relationships. Whether you prefer platonic relationships like me, are polyamorous or whatever it is, feeling it's ok be honest about what you really want is probably a good start.
@@margaretphillips7927Obviously I don't know you, but as I read your comments, it comes across as someone working really hard to justify their DA tendencies rather than having to face the reality that their trauma leads them to treat people poorly and prevents them from finding the deep emotional connection they actually need and crave.
I'm just out of a 7yr relationship with a DA. He often used the arguments you present here to justify his emotional distance, his flip-flopping about whether he wanted to be in a relationship with me, and to justify his promiscuity.
But for him, the reality is that he does crave emotional closeness. After we broke up, he cried relentlessly, knowing that he just lost the person who offered him more emotional intimacy than he'd ever had before. Because he actually DID need it.
Humans are social and pairing creatures. We need deep connection. And you can argue that not everyone needs a relationship, but there are forms of sustained, deep connection that simply can't happen outside of a relationship with a romantic partner.
Obviously you have full right to choose singleness for yourself. But I think it's probably delusion to say that you simply don't have the same social-emotional needs as everyone else.
Have you actually buckled down and done the hard work of uncovering your trauma? Dealing with it? Identifying your underlying needs for emotional connectedness? If not, it sounds to me like you really should try.
Would you mind me asking if you feel if there is a difference between best friendships/romantic relationships? My ex who is a diagnosed DA said that she could never tell the difference and also wondered if she was on the spectrum because of that.
@@margaretphillips7927yes. Just be honest. And don’t act like you want a social normative relationship
I believe my Ex was FA but leaned heavily DA in most of his other attachments. After our first break up he asked for a break from sex that I thought was odd but I was happy to oblige because I have been in relationships where I was constantly guilted for sex and I never wanted to do that for him. We had a very strong sexual connection and I think it really was one of the areas that became too much for him. I think it was one of the main things that gave him vulnerability hangovers. I think the performance anxiety and being brought back to his body was too much.
I’m DA and shut down and pull back when I feel overwhelmed by a person and can’t express my frustrations. For me it has nothing to do with fear. Often, I’ve let my partners walk all over me and my shutting down sexually is a way to deal with feeling as if the person treats me like an object. It’s also because I find the person repulsive and I cannot stand to be around them anymore. Then I slow fade out of their life.
I’ve had pretty unhealthy partners and when I was really young, was was atrociously abusive.
Why even attempt to have a relationship with one of these ???
sometimes its not that simple, for two years, we couldnt keep our hands off each other.
Had our first child and for the past 12 years, its been a struggle.
unfortunately, its all unravelling now after 14 years and now ive been completely destroyed
OMG, this makes so much sense now. I thought I was the crazy one . I feel sorry for the man who I felt so much love for . He is so messed up and that breaks my heart so much 😢 He recently blocked me and Idk if I will ever hear from him again . I would like to be friends but only time will tell.
My girlfriend only wants to do it after a big fight. Last time I told her she did respect me or myself. Hour later she was like a moth to a flame
It's so high maintenance. You can't even have a conversation without them make you feel like crap.
If you find a DA just walk away. It doesn't worth the headache.
He spent four years sexting me whether via text descriptions or what he wanted to do to me or video….yet then once we were about to spend time together he had a health issue ….somehow had two fissures and got urethratitis somehow …then he insulted me by saying he felt dead inside when we made out. Yet he was aroused??? I now see that he’s on hook up apps….funny considering he made the idea of sex such an issue when it came to me. I feel used.
@brianhill6842 Its called baiting, and he's a narcissist not an avoidant. It's a cruel game they love to play to make you feel worthless while they go dating other people that they easily hook up with behind your back or not behind your back ( they might even give you a taste of normal intimacy all to keep you addicted then take it all back) and of course its your fault. It's crazy making all to make you the more hopeless, working to feed their black hole while becoming one yourself. It really is sadistic. Glad to hear you're out of the relationship, never look back. I went through it for many years.
@@brianhill6842, sorry for the hurtful experiences you had to go through ,😔
So happy I can laugh at this now. Dated a NARC. Completely different experience with an avoidant.
Key- narcissist try to control you. Even if it’s subtle. They don’t like to see you happy. They are thief’s of joy.
It is hard for people who are not highly guarded to understand. Once they attack you are left wondering what did I do.
I have dated covert and OVERT.
Coverts play the victim - they don’t understand.
OVERT seek to crush your soul and make you out to be the bad guy, stupid, not on their level etc.
Stay away from them at all costs.
Excuse me : "People need to understand you can't change the other person."
Is this words itself an Avoidant？
I wouldn’t bother, you aren’t their therapist and they don’t change, it’s never their problem, dong waste your time.
I walked away from my DA, for the 2nd time, two months ago. We never had a sexual relationship. We never made it passed a peck on the lips. We even lived together, shared the same bed every night, and never progressed. If I ever communicated my feelings, he took it personal no matter how well I communicated them. I learned that I had to let him “steer the wheel” about everything. He’s a good man but I can’t heal him.
The last straw was him verbally attacking me about something he thought I had done. I proved to him I hadn’t. I could tell he felt really bad. But after his non-chalant apology and the things he said, I didn’t feel comfortable living with him anymore and moved out while he was out of town.
I’d always wondered why my ex was just shut down sexually. We never got down to it ever in our 7 month relationship, and that’s ok. She must’ve really felt inadequate as a whole if she didn’t want to get that point in our relationship. She also never would stay over, or invite me over to her house. Anytime she was with me in my room, she was ALWAYS sitting on the edge of the bed and never ever laid down with me. I knew *something* was wrong, but never asked. I’m glad we are in our NC period post breakup, because it’s allowing me to grow and figure her out as a whole. I’m hoping for a reunion with her one day, because I totally understand her needs in life.
my ex in the year and 7 months of being together, he never initiated sex or brought sex up as a conversation about what he wanted and was interested in. I had to lead the conversations and he would shut down.
It's about 2,5 since my ex gf broke up with me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't even know of the concept of attachment styles, I did a quiz and got the DA attachment style and I started to read about it and it was so eerie to read, like 95% on it fit on me and how I behaved in the relationship.
Sex wasn't a big thing to me, I guess due to my DA tendencies but I also had a very stressful period with work and other stuff in my life. I was exhausted and really valued my alone time at home with my hobbies and chores. I only met her a few days per week and had sex like every other week or so. I did however enjoy being close to her. I loved hugging her, kissing her and cuddling with her.
Also, I was introduced to pornography at a young age and it is deeply rooted in me. It was up until recently I truly understood the problem with it. That is also a part of why I didn't have sex with her that much, because she was someone I cared about and I didn't want to relate her to girls in adult videos. I'm just a big mess and maybe she is better of without me now that she is with someone else.
And it's not so much that I felt nitpicked or personally attacked in some way when she tried to talk to me. It's just that I shut down. I didn't have the knowledge to understand what I felt and the explain what I felt and my brain just went into ERROR.
I miss her like crazy, but then again, maybe she is better of without me
My DA ex was also into pornography from a younger age… this was a HUGE problem in our relationship since his lusting bled into our life. Flirting, secret pornography… said he loved me more than anything in the world then disrespected me constantly. Porn is a weapon to destroy society… lowers testosterone and changes your neural pathways. I would do everything you can to get off of it.
You sound exactly like my ex. Most likely she is better off without you yes. But for your own sake it is good that you have learned about yourself and can now start to take steps to heal and change that.
My lovely, I have tears in my eyes as I type this because you described my ex boyfriend who I broke up with 2 months ago. I too miss him so much, and today was particularly a hard day in terms of missing him for some reason. I’m so so sorry we have ti go through this. It hurts my heart. I was left feeling just like you said: unattractive, unfuckable, I even questioned if I was being too needy or clingy, when all I asked for were basic needs in a relationship. I’m very very sad to know there are more men like that out there. They know they are shit but they don’t seem to believe they can change. May our hearts be healed soon.
@@heirapparent1996I was with my ex for about 7 months. Before that we were friends for 4 years. We also have our group of mutual friends. Though we haven't seen eachother or talked to eachother for 2 months now. I'm in no contact and try to give us both some space and time.
She was also a bit into porn, maybe not as much as me, and she was more expressive and secure.
I'm not saying she was flawless in the relationship, I know what I would expect of her if we got back together. But I understand my own shortcomings and want to own up to them.
She got with another dude rather quickly after our breakup, a long distance relationship. Hurt like hell when I found out.
This was my first ever relationship and I now understand how little knowledge I had. These last weeks I have scienced the shit out of relationship and breakup dynamics and done alot of introspect.
I miss her so much but I have to stay away, I have already embrassed myself by trying to beg and reason with her. I don't know what the future holds but I want us to get back together. But wether that's going to happen or not I still have some work to do.
She would much prefer to be on your side watching you step up and work on yourself instead of telling her she's better with someone else.
Or you could just find a normal person who actually wants to have sex with you, will show you love, and you won't have to think about everything you say before you say it, and adjust it based on their infantile thinking.
If they're DA, forget about it. Remember, it also means "DON'T ATTEMPT". It's exhausting and will affect you in a bad way.
This needs to be the number one comment/response.
yesss 💯 top comment
This happened to me. I wish i knew all this while still in the relationship. She became distant and told me that she tried to use sex as a way to resolve our issues but realized it didnt work so sex flew out the window. She told me she didnt have any libido anymore. But then told me she had libido and was touching herself everyday. Thats when it really hurt me. She didnt understand herself what was going on. She tried to start having sex with me again but then the relationship ended. (For various ridiculous reasons). We could never get common ground on fights that were basically just misunderstandings.
Does this slow/shut down occur with Fearful Avoidants as well? Can we get a video on why and how it manifests?
Oh, it sure does. I'm FA, sex is one of my biggest emotional needs. But I shut down when I see signs of incoming abandonment/betrayal, such as lack of interest/communication/emotional connection with increasing interest for other people or activities. Physical touch becomes unpleasant, almost painful. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Being a SA survivor doesn't help at all. In that state I lose all functionality down there, because I associate arousal with crippling loneliness.
I am avoidant leaning, I have a very short but painful fearful phase, and when I can't take it anymore, a "fuse" in my brain goes off -- I lose all attraction at once and avoid further interaction. Mind you, it's not necessarily a bad thing, it protects me from toxic/unfulfilling relationships. Still, it does make regular relationships much more difficult than they should be.
Talking about it openly and honestly, and recieving reassurance does help to revert some damage. As well as establishing stability and predictability in the relationship.
Mine went celibate twice in our 6month situationship very strange.
I’m beginning to think I’m just more Avoidant than Borderline…. In my 30s and I’m just so confused lol
But love these vids, definitely gives me a sense of clarity
Excellent channel
ALL YOIR VIDEOS TALKS ABOUT HOW WE CAN BETTER DEAL WITH A DA...
WHY NOT CONCENTRATE ON VIDEOS WHERE YOUR TOPIC IS MORE ABOUT THESE DA'S OVERCOMING THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES WITH PROBLEMS
I am so happy my DA fiancée never does this…
Is there a male coach that is particularly versed in this issue? My DA may need extra guidance beyond the course and I will have questions as we heal this too.
Ben, is one of the PDS coaches. He was unhealed DA and now secure. You can book a free intro session with him here:
university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/attachment-coaching
David Tian PhD The Masculine Psychology Project may be helpful
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you, I've seen him on some of the Webiners, he seems great. I remember him particularly because my DA is Midwest born and raised and doesn't have any abuse, physical neglect or specific trauma (some early school bullying and anxiety) but otherwise a loving family of very busy working Parents and a perhaps too loving Grandma caretaker and anxious loving Mom.
Thank you so much.
❤
Too late. Now I’m uncomfortable and I feel unsafe.
As someone who has been FA most of my life and is now leaning closer to secure and even experienced some DA phases, I’m sick of seeing so many FA’s bash DA’s as if the FA’s fear-based behavior is okay or better than the DA’s. Ofcourse you should and can hold your partner accountable and if it’s not working out you should move on because you don’t need to tolerate that, but a lot of times they’re painting the DA as a bad person and many of them are not. Also the anger/frustration a lot of times with DA’s from FA’s is that they’re angry because they’re trying to selfishly cling on to the DA, and when they can’t they are upset. Again, this is someone who was a FA most of my life dating DA’s a lot in the last so I know. In my opinion, as long as you’re mainly in some sort of attachment style other than secure, you will probably experience toxicity but also have some form of it yourself. No this is not your fault, but as an adult it is your responsibility to move towards secure if you’re expecting a healthy relationship. None of us are perfect secure or not, but just because the DAs toxic patterns are not supporting your toxic patterns, doesn’t mean it just them in the wrong. Now if you’re a secure person who has these frustrations, that’s different and not who I’m addressing. (I mean this with the most respect and from experience❤️)
Thank you. You explained this perfectly.
So i used to communicate my needs to my DA ex, she would just listen and say nothing and things would change for a couple of days and then i would just accept the old behaviour again. But.... now i see that me asking for my needs was her taking it as criticism which then led to her feeling criticised by me and feeling unsafe and not wanting to have sex anymore. Which inturn led to me being frustrated and not understanding what was going on ... its sad i love her and im here for her but she rather just go about it on her own. As Dr. Les Carter says ... they create relationship collapse. What that video its mind opening !
Yes they do I saw that wacth Rc Blake on you can't fix them he will tell you that they may really care for you but they don't have the capacity to do it.
@sheliasmith2884
Yes, exactly! Literally incapacitated by their fears.
A "deadline " is considered an ultimatum to a DA ; that's not good. Let's find another word or concept to enhance & promote unity. Example: My tolerance of intermittent continuity has been extended beyond its normal self life, simply because I love you so much & I want to work on this together. Are you up for the joy ride. lol
I feel like this is more common with narcissistic DAs. I’ve had no problem with avoidants and intimacy unless they’re narcissistic and the type to criticize you.
Is this a thing for FAs as well?
Perimenopause…. Or menopause.
That’s why guys like younger women
I am reposting this comment that I just made in another video, because it actually matches this video subject: This is so sad and so true. The damage that I am left to clean up in my soul is enormous. The DA personalized an unexpected health issue that I had, that prevented me from being intimate only in one way, during our first time together, after 3 months getting to know each other online. They responded by literally curling up and turning away, even sleeping in another bed, as if I intentionally tried to ruin things. I experienced the most cruel deactivating strategies, including stonewalling and disdain, for a week, until my vacation visiting them was up. The DA was thinking of their wants and hyperfocused on that, instead of appreciating everything I did for them and who I am as a whole person. I got discarded over that one issue. When I brought it up later, the DA was still focused on what I couldn't do at the time, saying I chose not to, instead of accepting it was clearly a medical issue that prevented me. Really cruel or at the minimum, very unaware behavior. No one I know has ever responded like this. I even wondered if this person is on the spectrum as well. I put into practice self-care and compassion. I know that I deserved better than what happened.
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It was so awful that they did that to you and it is good that you realize you deserve better and walked away, but their behavior is not just from being DA, that’s extremely cruel and lacking any empathy or even rational thinking and I would guess they have some mental health issues that run much deeper than simply having an insecure attachment style! 😢
Thanks for your compassion! @@blendathegoodwitch
I realize now that he likely experienced a narcissistic injury and the event triggered shame. Then came the contempt and discard. I was so busy focusing on seeing him as only a DA, when narcissism is just as much, if not more, the reason for his behavior.
Was that one act oral sex by any chance? I find my DA to be only interested in that. Perhaps bc they find it to be safe and emotion-free?
Thais please response I really need help! I’m an AP and husband is a dismissive avoidant.. he stops having sex and start giving silent treatment all on a sudden! Whenever I try to communicate he says he is just quiet cause it’s his nature as well as he is disturbed with some other issues of life. I’m really suffering for severe anxiety. Want to die everyday when I wake up. Any advice how can I make him work on his attachment style? Or make him not to stope these? Thanks
Please reach out to PDS. ❤
I dealt with some of these same issues for a long time. It wasn't until I found the strength to stand on my own two feet and start walking away that he finally started to wake up and respond.
For my personal situation, his response was too little too late. For you, who knows. But I think it's a generally good guidance to take back your strength and self esteem. Stop letting him control those things in you. You're better than that and deserve better. You have to get to the point where you can begin to envision a life without him.
@@lzestrara1518 thanks for your kind words 🖤 really needed this. I’m trying to heal my anxious attachment style. Also kinda accepting the way he is. Cause divorce isn’t an option for me.
I'm very much DA, married to an AA (Fun times!) and have this issue... however while there's definitely this DA and AA dynamic component it's really become more the fact I find people gross and sex just disgusting more and more as I get older. Hairless apes... thusly I just have no interest anymore after dealing with requirements and criteria from the wife regarding it. Not really sure what to do about that as it's not some kind of protective / DA thing really at this point, it's more of a physical revulsion of the act which I don't see how to really get over.
These people are narcs
th-cam.com/video/NDDyt7Sj13A/w-d-xo.html
I didn't know about the attachment styles of people and my husband is a da. I was honestly trying to just tell him areas I thought we should work on in our relationship but now I see he felt criticized. I feel so bad now. I'm a fa probably leaning more avoidant at least lately. I totally destroyed my marriage and hurt the love of my life and I feel so bad. I never meant to hurt him. How can I explain what happened to him so he can heal from me hurting him even if he does not want to be together at least he can heal. (Not saying he doesn't or does want to split up. It's me needing a break to focus on my healing but I feel so bad that I hurt him. )
I did the same thing unknowingly, I was ghosted after over a decade of being together. Time has helped me learn more about myself and understand my attachment style, I am Secure with some FA and DA.
My question is, now that I’m learning about the different attachment styles. I am learning that I am a secure attachment and my husband (together 17 years) seems to be the fearful avoidant attachment. I brought up learning about this and suggested he look it up as well. He does not like the idea and feels pressured. Go figure. But we truly do need him to learn about it otherwise how will he ever be privy to it enough to acknowledge it and do what he will with the knowledge?!
❤ love this topic. Question is when I was with my ex as time when on sex was slowing down. We've been broken up for 1yr now and he reaches out every 2 months and only wants to talk about having sex with me....
Why now? I'm never going to be a fwb type ever!❤😏
Thank you
I only pulled back on sex when my exes became judgmental and mentally draining. There's nothing that turns a DA off quicker than someone who FORCES them to open up only to turn around and tell them their full of ish. I imagine more DAs go through that then most people think.
The dismissive avoidant female is immune to any feedback. She will say what she believes is the appropriate response however this is just a smokescreen to hide her real feelings.
I’m in a really strange situation with a DA we were having amazing sex for 3months and really connected and then they said they didn’t want it a few weeks back totally out of the blue and said they see me as a friend- so I’ve respected that. The things is, they are now more open, asks to spend time with me most days - makes me breakfast, dinner (always last min, dinner at mine in 20mins) thing is I got feeling for him and I can tell they did too) they are sharing more, making future plans spending whole days with me. They told me that their walls go up when sex is involved and he wants me in his life. He’s giving me stuff, want to just sit and watch tv with me or clean the house together . Started telling me about his childhood and his vulnerabilities. Asking me to sit on the sea front and go for walks !! Messaging me constantly asking me to go view houses with him for investments. I know he cares deeply about me, right? I just don’t understand the tension between us sexually is high!
@@jKDC1987 If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
Is is common for avoidants to say they never want kids.
So... here's the question...If the DA KNOWS that these feelings are excessive and has an AP spouse...
Could a DA practice... i don't like the term "forcing" but "'practice powering through the intimacy hesitation" If they are self-aware enough to understand their brain isn't reliable enough to make that call during a "triggering event"? Can a DA's brain be rewired to stop shrinking away from sex by exposure therapy? Obviously in a totally safe environment where the partner has an EXTREMELY low chance of taking advantage of the person sexually? Like UPPING the DA's risk tolerance?