Dating An Avoidant Person? Here's 4 Ways To THRIVE With Them
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
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It's absolutely exhausting. It leads you to emotional and physical burnout. And this is coming from a secure leaning on anxious. Which might explain how I've been in this rollercoaster for 2 years. A full blown anxious preoccupied wouldn't have lasted 2 months.
I totally agree with you
Yes, it's exhausting. Constant interruption to any relational momentum. Feels stagnant looping patterns
I was an AP with a DA for 16 years. It can definitely last more than 2 months.
Full blown anxious preoccupied. Didnt last 2months 😂
@@daniellediaz2516I met a DA who told me he was with a girl for 16 years. Are you based in UK by any chance ?
How absolutely incredibly psychologically resilient one must be to have an avoidant partner!!! Damn it lol. Don't touch them, don't talk to them, pretend you are dead, don't breathe, give them a choice to decide if they want you to be alive 😂😂 And yet, I am still with one lol
Jokes aside, nice video ❤
True. I have ptsd after his sudden discard. Never again
True
Same here lol, 20 years!
@@daniellediaz2516 u alive? :))))
Unless they're in therapy and working on what is most likely C-PTSD, none of this matters.
If you think about it, avoidants actually gives other attachment styles the opportunity to examine your shortcomings and to heal from it. If he's worth it, meaning kind and considerate and a good person, and worth the time and the energy, its well worth dating them.
This is how I think as well. It’s not easy but it’s causing me to become more secure with who I am and less insecure/anxious. I’ve grown a lot lol
@@Theindigoeffect_ @Neya500 Same!
‘You can’t get blood from a stone’ is the thing to remember here. Their absolute worst fear is your sincere love and affection so STOP TRYING and have some self respect.
Sounds like the only way to have a relationship with an avoidant is to have zero boundaries
There ya go 👍
Exactly, is doing everything to make avoidant to choose to stay and love you the way you deserve but never communicating any vulnerability. Been there and never again
It's exactly the opposite, we avoidants hate spineless pushovers
@@ItsRaitisLV and everyone else.
@@ItsRaitisLV I disagree. What you avoidants think you hate and what you instinctively hate are two different things
The reality is that avoidants are not suited for relationships. A quote from a doctor perfectly captures the avoidant mindset: "I will be in a relationship with you as long as you don't have any expectations of me." This sums up the core issue-avoidants struggle to meet the basic expectations that make a relationship work.
They have all these needs and our needs don't matter
That’s exactly how they feel. “You have all these needs and mine don’t even matter”
I'm AP and I know it's hard to understand, but I'm pretty sure the DA also feels the way we do but we don't understand it either... So sad actually 😅
I have to be honest - serious relationships don’t even sound enjoyable at this point. So much work that goes into it and folks being so much baggage and it could end at any moment. Exhausting especially for someone that tends to enjoy solitude for the most part
Exactly......giving, giving, giving.....i felt so taken for granted.....extremely hard to NOT personalise......what about giving back, listening, understanding the other....
It would of helped 100%!!!
Im an AP ......extremely painful & crushing!!!!
Never knowing where the hell i stood!!!...😢@@derrickak17
Wrong, your needs do matter to them. If boundaries are clearly stated, compromised and settled upon there shouldn’t be any surprises. Meet halfway, anxious behaviours are demanding, no attachment behaviour set should be entirely served. Communication and intunement also key.
So basically be very careful and monitor yourself constantly or they will run! That's not a relationship it's exhausting. They get to 'be' how they want and you have to keep things together. That is enabling their behaviour. Your needs must be voiced and if an avoidant doesn't make changes too you are likely doomed.
I give opportunities for closeness but get turned down. Creates insecurities in me.
Here’s the REALITY. Just LEAVE. If you have any self love and respect, let this person go and focus back on your own life. These people will drain you, abuse you, and discard you like worthless trash when just the day before you were the love of their life and their entire world. Get off the anxiety inducing and insanity creating tightrope and save yourself. I know it sucks. I know you love them very much. But trust me. SAVE YOURSELF
Avoidants and covert narcissists share many traits, but the key difference is their intent. Covert narcissists deliberately aim to hurt you, while avoidants do so unintentionally. However, whether you're with an avoidant or a covert narcissist, the impact on you can be strikingly similar, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Both personalities can lead to emotional turmoil, confusion, and significant challenges to your self-esteem and trust. Being with an avoidant is like being sentenced to live in an emotional wasteland-you'll be starved for connection. The relationship cycle often follows a familiar pattern: infatuation, withdrawal, cheating, discard, and then monkey-branching to a new supply.
@@a-pq4xj Yep just have to be vigilant. Lessons can only work forward not backward
@@a-pq4xj Yeah I was going to say that sounds more like a narcissist. You're right that they can look similar but with different intent.
agree, step back before sinking in further. the saddest part is even when you share with them about the theory, they dont bother. they feel nothing is wrong with them because they have high self esteem and they need independence aka feel comfy being alone. its easier and healthier to find a secure partner than trying to fix a DA.
Even if they have willing, its impossible their brain is wired differently
1. Do NOT Chase
2. Try To Reduce the amount of criticism you bring to the relationship
3. Stop making demands or using ultimatums
4. Try not personalize what is happening
How not chase? Then it is a no contact relationship 🤷🏻♀️They took so long to initiate any conversation 🧐
That’s the opposite of what Thais says. She says you must see your needs through with avoidants.
@@cangrejitamiry
I love Thias! She's the absolute best when it comes to attachment styles!! ❤
No other channel even comes close to what she offers 💯
whats this channel @daniellediaz2516
@@tatianawoellner6620 is that a relationship? "no contact" "relationship"
There is NO way you can have a normal relationship with an avoidant. Either they acknowledge their attachment disorder and seek help through therapy, or you settle for it, stop having any expectations and treat them as "friendly" stray cats. They come as they please, for their own (selfish usually) reasons, and they go as they please. You "enjoy" their company while they are there, petting them for as much as they let you, and that's it. Then they go their way, and you, yours, until the next time they visit. You won't have any expectations of consistency from a stray cat, would you? As much love and care you extend to it. It will go its way, no remorse, no second thoughts about it. And it'll scratch you with no obvious reason, probably right after you fed it. *That's* an avoidant partner for you.
@@costaspaximadas7556 Ouch! 😭😂😎
This is a good metaphor! :)
Thank you for the amazing videos regarding being in a relationship with an avoidant person. It helped me a lot to understand the wonderful person I am in love with. I've read some of the comments below and they are quite harsh regarding avoidants. No relationship is perfect and none is guaranteed to last so don't be so quick to judge others.
The best move is to go « no contact» with avoidants. They can’t connect with others, because of their mental dissorder. But they still crave attention/validation.
1: We can’t fix their anxiety
2: Their anxiety and mental dissorder is not our responsibility
Just let them go
Exactly. There is no winning just leave
@@OneManCollaboration you « win» your own mental health, time, focus. And self learn «self-respect skills».
I would say that is a huge victory. Maby the greatest we will ever do!
Good advice for those in a relationship, difficult for those dating.
Normalize dumping avoidant button
“Treat the avoidant like a king/queen and let them do whatever to you” is what I got from this video
Basically… with an Avoidant… it’s best to have zero needs… no matter how careful we are with voice tone body language… we need to be mind readers of the avoidant
Why stay with an avoidant? Is an equal relationship of both give and take not healthier? It does feel like a lot of work from one part only.
You ever been with an anxious? Are you one? Because needing unlimited reassurance is pathetic but you all try to force avoidants to eat shit and they won’t
Thank you for your consistency and your videos Connor!
Let's bump the algo straight away...
Appreciate that!
Make yourself a doormat? Turn yourself into a nervous wreck? It is not worth it. Date healthy.
Honestly do not bother.
My dude.... You are Nailing it!
I have the fearful avoidant attachment style, I’m in therapy working on it. I’ve been single for 10 years after an abusive relationship. I like what you said about ultimatums. It’s true and having choices taken away from you at a young age is huge. I had to be the man of the house without my father around so I didn’t have much choice growing up along with medical issues. My abusive ex refused to give choices. It was her way or no way at all. Criticism too is a big thing. I do appreciate the opportunity to choose. I never got those choices. I connect with people, it just takes me a bit to warm up to someone. When I had to work, my ex hated it. She never said the things I was good at, it was always criticism. I understand the importance of healing and bettering yourself too. I think if someone isn’t ready to tell somebody something, they shouldn’t be forced to. Creating that choice dynamic and making the person feel comfortable enough to share it with you is important. I have shared things when I’ve felt comfortable enough with someone because they created that comfortable environment by being nonjudgmental and affirming that they wouldn’t be. It’s important to create that with your partner so they feel heard for both the avoidant and the other person.
You are the exception sir. First and foremost because you acknowledged it and you sought help. Almost NO avoidant does it, certainly not mine. Secondly, because you were *willing to talk* when the conditions were right. For most of them, the conditions are NEVER right...
Great!
But what about the feminine that doesn’t want to make decisions?
I don’t know how many times I have been told, “I don’t want to figure this out.” “I don’t want to make the decisions.”
The man/masculine takes the lead. But when the man/masculine is leaning more toward the anxious attachment.. it can be a bit convoluted.
thats an interesting situation, mine is stuck in the masculine which is fear of losing control. I lead on almost all plans, but the frequency is what she holds on to. Im fighting the calendar of more plans and time spent. When you are leading, does that help the anxious side calm down? It has for myself.
I dumped him . He became a cry baby . 😭 I did everything you said not to do . I don’t have the patience for that immature shit
I think any guy who gets dumped who actually likes someone is going to cry. It’s just how they go about it.
This is brilliant 👏
I’m sorry but they unable to make decisions. They just act like a child and ask what do you want?! 😢
Wow - this is gold, I tell you.. gold.
It is exhausting 😩I wish I could go back and not have met him. Easier to learn how to stop loving him altogether 😢
Me too! I regret staying in the relationship, wish I cut it off the first time he disappeard.
Tell me about it
Agreed. Ask an avoidant and give them small choices to make and their ability to trust and feel safe will grow much faster.
Why should people even stay with an avoidant person??? I get loving the person but you do not even mention that thought.
Serious question - At what point do we start just prioritising ourselves and our mental fortitude for an exit plam?
I am a secure avoidant...he mentioned in this video...anxious ones need work on theu insecure ad well as over reaching n more
@@emiliavieira6871 There is no such thing as a secure avoidant. Avoidants are by definition insecure. If they were secure, they would not be avoidant.
@@evawebster1518Exactly. That post made no sense.
It's not worth it. You just never know when they're going to discard you but one thing is for sure, they will always discard you when things are going well.
I tried everything you mentioned, it didn’t help. What helped was having boundaries. And I don’t feel it’s wrong saying that they should go to therapy, if they love you, they’ll go!
This is life. How not to personalise. It is a couple relationship. Both people need to be validated
Videos like this are disingenuous. Relationships with avoidants are often impossible with the outcome set in stone. No matter what people do. There's only one way there's a chance of it working out and that is them recognising their problem and going to therapy. Even then its not a guarantee. Horrible advice. Comment sections says it all.
You are right. There is NO way you can have a normal relationship with an avoidant. Either they acknowledge their attachment disorder and seek help through therapy, or you settle for it, stop having any expectations and treat them as "friendly" stray cats. They come as they please, for their own (selfish usually) reasons, and they go as they please. You "enjoy" their company while they are there, petting them for as much as they let you, and that's it. Then they go their way, and you, yours, until the next time they visit. You won't have any expectations of consistency from a stray cat, would you? As much love and care you extend to it. It will go its way, no remorse, no second thoughts about it. And it'll scratch you with no obvious reason, probably right after you fed it. *That's* an avoidant partner for you.
@@costaspaximadas7556 unfortunately i agree with you although its heartbreaking. These are people we loved with all our hearts the way they initially turned up. What they deactivate into, and become towards the end of the relationship is often permanent beyond that. The entire dynamic defies the very definition of humane love, connection, and a relationship. My personal experience is no amount of setting yourself on fire to make their condition cognizant to themselves has even any effect. They simply deny that theres an issue inside their psyche that needs attention because it will destroy their need to 'be' perfect, as these avoidants almost always are - presenting a perfect image to everyone except their romantic partner. Whilst their internal world is a waste wasteland, as long as people perceive them to be well put together, they simply dont care enough to change.
Why stoop so low to date a ticking time bomb with zero regards for you?
Exactly
OUCH
Word. But then again, for the time it first worked, it was *glorious*. And then, you are stuck...🫤
Great advice my man! Thankyou 🙏🏽✊🏽
Very wise, great advice, thank you! This is best video on DAs I have seen so far , very good !
I really love this video, I have an avoidant Daughter that I have been struggling to raise, all to life challenges of being a single parent working to much & stressing her out to do more. My Daughters needs were not being meet in so many ways. Life has slowed down now we are both seeing how mess up the past was. So thank you
Thank you so much..I am dealing with an avoidant....It was hard at first...But now i always make him do all the decisions...He is not a bad person and he gives good inputs..
What if you already chased and want to fix it?
I love your channel and your advice. But this video shows that we need to babysit an avoidant partner .. What seems to be working for us is going to couple therapy and him understanding the harm he's causing and that isn't just my own pov. All your last 3 tips require us to be the bigger person, the adult, while DA is the kid to be taken care of. I don't see those to thrive with anyone except for children. They need to have accountability and self-awareness. Maybe those tips are applicable when the DA is in their healing journey and starting to change or willing to change, other than that, it's just too much.
interesting. Like kickstarting the process, but then one needs to shift gears. Your approach seems to bridge the gap between the advice of "small steps to learn to make choices" given here, with other channels' advice of "set boundaries and (softly but firmly) call out behaviors that are unacceptable".
Well done, thanks!
@@luketimewalker Good luck if you're having a similar journey ^-^
Then it's simply impossible to have a relationship with them. Let's put it out there. You have to become avoidant either. If you cannot criticise, you make your unhappiness your own problem, don't chase but they won't do either, don't demand anything, don't, don't, don't anything. All these but particularly giving choices are killing the relationship. Having to ask all the f.. time do you want this or this? Whaaaat? Then you don't need to take these people's problems and make them your own. They need to simply sort themselves out or stay the f.. single. The world doesn't revolve around them, they have the problems not anyone else. Just leave them at the first signs, you have to exercise your own choice of not wanting a torturous and unfulfilling relationship with someone mental.
The solution is simple: vet, vet, vet harshly, don't get emotionally invested in a man till he proves he's normal and be ready to walk away at any point. Treat them the way they treat you.
Great video brother real good information. Keep up the amazing work 👍 God bless 🙌 🙏
2 weeks ago I was telling someone we need to be understanding, not to give up on the traumatized DA. But this here really rubs me the wrong way. "DO NOT EXIST.". As someone said recently, be an FBI negociator???? Really? Many other DA counselors stress that one needs to have boundaries, and that just leaving the DA in his/her comfort zone simply makes them believe it's working, which will lead to 1) no change 2) at some point, breadcrumb and abandon you anyway (because things were too good, yay!)
Still, I'll ponder on the "small steps" doctrine.
Tysm. Very helpful.
Ill try the choices. Im anxious af and working in it. My wife is so patient, but right now we want different things. Im stuggleing with not backsliding.
This was very helpful, thank you
Im an anxious woman and have been going out with an avoidant man for nearly 10 years. The first 5 years was very on and off. I have just had a single bed turn up today that i ordered as I've hit breaking point. The affection has never really been there anyway but since I bought our first home 2 years ago, there is no affection at all. I am not aloud to touch him and he doesn't even really look at me now. He says no to everything and says he's not bothered or doesn't care to everything. I know he's not a cheat but it just drives me insane as to why he's like this. After looking online, i now know he is an avoidant and now everything makes sense. I am now looking at selling the house and buying a place with my mum and her partner instead. But for now, I am going to sleep in the spare room and hopefully this will give me time to get my head straight and be more independent.
ThankU This is pretty great!
I love you said "avoidant state". Reinforces that these terms are not meant to label people.
I appreciate your words on criticism. I've come to see that as alcoholic behavior. A waste.
I'm single, lots o pain there. But i have a best friend who often avoids. Lacking romantic tension, I easily remain patient. He appreciates it! I respect his privacy. The reward is he gradually has become more forthcoming
So so so so true. It's true. I believe that.
But this way...our needs don't matter at all? We have to shape ourselves to fit the avoidant agenda?
from what I experienced as anxious, I learned to focus on myself more, by looking for positive activity that I can explore.. I contact him once in 2 days just to check his condition by chat and send him a joke or funny videos. we meet biweekly and i negotiate our date activity with him. look at him as a partner in life, but still prioritize myself.. so far it works out.
@@dragonpegasus1231 is that good enough for you?
But is that really a life partner?
@@edinbrodlic4564 we still have long way to go, but so far we're comfortable. The idea is to fix ourselves so we can have a more stable relationship. as long as we communicate frequently and try to find solutions to our attachment issues in a positive way. I think that's what a life partner does.
I think this information is not meant to enable but to Better understand the person you’re with because you almost never really know who you’re with until you notice patterns. Unfortunately at times if we truly want to be with someone our desire to learn how to work with them is the ultimate sign of love. Now that doesn’t mean to be the only one doing this but perhaps by helping understand the other side it can help the other side begin to meet you also where you may be at. Very nuanced topic
Thanks dude, I needed to hear this
Dealing both these people is really simple. As I have just done with a really lovely woman after 3 months, I mean, never even a cross word, the moment she shut down emotionally one evening, nothing whatsoever to do with me, I quietly started to the shot clock. When three days later she had still not snapped out of it I completely severed contact and ended any possibility of a relationship. You can’t work with these people, they take zero personal responsibility, they are highly destructive to relationships and their loving partners. Avoid the avoidant.
Maybe you triggered her avoidance. In fact, I'm sure you did.
@@evawebster1518 ….youre damned right I did, I mean, a perfectly loving caring, kind developing intimate relationship, what’s not to get ‘triggered’ about, right ?
That’s what these people do, that AVOID ! Just that they not only about their own feelings and their own dreams of ideal relationship, they avoid almost the good stuff when it comes along. So yeah, if first time in your life you’re being loved authentically then I sure triggered her alright. These people are essentially unloveable and are best avoided
Could you discuss pathological demand avoidance on the part of the avoidant? I feel like this is a roadblock to what you’ve said about giving options because if resentment is built up and there’s PDA, it likely won’t work.
Thank you!
Just run …
Yes well, so you have to take all the hurt and keep bending yourself backwards just not to address what is in reality the absolute selfishness of someone either not caring or unable to fullfill any of your emotional needs ? For how long ? Why even keep trying then ? If anyway there's no hope they will ever change ? People full of emotions should maybe just stay away from emotionally stunted ones no ?
Such a big help
Gold
2:56 How do you reduce the amount of criticism coming from the avoidant?
Genuinely so true so true like he can be little me every now and then but i have to avoid criticism ew
Jesus! This video should be" How to deal with a Princess!!"!! Or " Be an insect or the princess will beat you!!"
This doesn't work. Tried it on an avoidant. It had no effect. Just run.
Poverty.
Debt.
Diabetes.
Even possible homelessness.
Obesity.
No children.
No husband.
No friends.
No family of my own.
I'm all alone.
Have been my whole life.
Never been in a real relationship.
Never had a real friend.
When I sought help,
through various professional therapists,
they were abusive cunts, too.
All I do is navigate my way through the world...
Doing my best, moment-to-moment,
to endure the least amount of suffering as possible...
And I keep doing that every day, just waiting to die.
There's no joy, no hope, no happiness in my life.
It's just pain and trauma and survival and misery.
It's been like this, all 45 years of my life, so far.
My heart is shattered. My soul is raped.
I cannot endure this hell anymore.
Rage and grief consume every cell of my being.
Joy is a,choice.
Jesus can give us His joy even when it feels helpless.
Please pray and get yourself to a pastor or Christian councelor.
🙏
What can I do if it’s a long distance relationship?? We can’t have a date…. I tried to send him emojis, good morning, good night…. He does love bombing to me and I like it a lot, is this a good thing to continue??
No Joy
I wonder what if you are both avoident in a realationship? Please I need some advice
Usually they don't attract each other.
There are different types of avoidants - dismissive, fearful, anxious... The pairing of dismissive and anxious is very common.
The hardest person to break up with
is the one you've created in your delusional, fantasy-making mind...
1. Know your value!!! (Do NOT doubt yourself.)
2. Take yourself and your worth seriously. You need to BE A QUEEN to be treated like one.
3. Don’t give easy access to anyone, at any time. Access to your energy should be expensive.
4. Do NOT only express your boundaries. YOU MUST show them.
5. Always be ready to walk away.
6. Show that you are focused on actions not on words.
7. Have a healthy degree of skepticism.
8. You must be willing to say NO and you must be willing to lose the man, if needed.
9. Never EVER chase a man! A truly worthy woman, (who knows her worth)
does not EVER chase a man.
Giving the same energy that you're getting
is key
and if you don't like that energy
then move on! NOW!
It can be hard
but that's when you need to choose yourself
over the damn illusion/fantasy.
A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, ever, period.
So...
If he ignores me
I will step back
and he will lose me.
Simple. Simple.
Non-dramatic
and uncomplicated.
I don’t,
under any circumstance:
play these childish-abusive-controlling
mind games.
I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me,
and treats me as the Queen, I AM.
(Daughter of the Most Hight; King of kings!)
Because I am a beautiful and kind and divine
and sexy and wise and intelligent and magical woman:
who knows my worth.
Period.
Also,
We create each moment.
This moment contains,
through my focus,
both positive and negative...
I can put my attention on what I lack,
what I don't have,
what traumas I do have etc...
And,
I can put my attention on the calm moment that I am in, NOW,
the food I just ate, and the fact that my body is satisfied, the shelter I do have...
(You get my idea!)
Both are here...
And now.
For the sake of fairness,
I will allow myself to cry my pains, in the moment
if/when they come/arise,
AND
also acknowledge the beauty I still have in my life NOW.
Pain? Yes.
Suffering? Indeed.
And,
also:
wonderous magical divine beauty.
Blessings to you!
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Or congratulations I'm proud of you.
I dunno. Pick one based on whatever it is you just said.
Men pursue in the beginning but if a woman is interested and in love she will begin the pursuit.
So offer them choices.
I'm starting to think that i'm avoidat attachement...
I’m dating an avoidant.. I think we are dating lol, is so hard not to take it personally! He disappears two weeks at a time , but he is so nice when we are together. I don’t think I can go on with him.
Are we saying here that I should be patient and tip toe around his behavior? I’m don’t think I can keep dating him/avoidant much longer, I don’t do well with abandonment and have to wait for him to reach out to me. I’m done.
@@brownsugardelima Hi, I just had this insight based on one of the comments above that mentions going to couple therapy:
The advice here is good only IF used Like kickstarting the process, but then (after several weeks) one needs to shift gears.
Aiming to bridge the gap between the advice of "small steps to learn to make choices" given here, with other channels' advice of "set boundaries and (softly but firmly) call out behaviors that are unacceptable".
Avoidant men and women behave very differently. Strangely enough, nobody talks about it...
You can't THRIVE with a person with insecure attachment style. This video is click bait.
Wenn mein Hund geklaut wird, werd ich zum Tier. Dann geh ich über Leichen. Dann sollte der Täter um sein Leben rennen. Meinen Hund klauen, das ist vermutlich das letzte was du tust....😅😮
This is crap. There is nothing you can do to make these avoidants realize they have just a bit of an issue. You will destroy yourself!….
Even if you do all this guy says, and you try to save the relationship, you’ll live a miserable life
Leave them.....they are the most selfish people. These channels make anyone think it's a normal relationship but this is committing suicide to be with an avoidant..An avoidant making such videos is another example of how avoidant these people are in their thought process.
They only change when they are done with their avoidance, which is almost 0 chance
Good video but too long . Try to keep the videos under 15min and you will get more subscribers and views
This video is 10 minutes long though
Scammer spam
Thanks for this!
The very last fact in this vid was basically what started the spiral in my last relationship, and I now realize it was probably my fault for taking shit personally🤔😢😅