These ppl are way too much work 4 months after the break up im good i need to unsub from all these channels and get a regular partner. 99% sure she wouldn't half the research im doing to understand me.
True. It’s a reality. I needed to accept it with the same thing she asked me: “Time and Space”. I took that time to work on my self and allocated space for new stuff to come. May she float like an astronaut and when she decides to come back to Earth I will already moved on without the hurt no more.
I have found that most avoidant partners I have confused physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In fact when I asked them to describe emotional intimacy they describe it in physical terms. Before our relationships many of them would have a lot of sexual encounters and hookups. In some cases the frequency of which gave me pause. They were trying to fill the empty cup with these encounters. They were always satisfying for a short period but then they would need more to feel good about themselves. And a lot of these cases, even in the relationship, physical intimacy was almost treated like a job. And it's because their inability to be vulnerable meant that the other dimension of intimacy was never really achieved. While I was experiencing true intimacy and in many cases actual joy and love they seemed to be going through the motions almost confused by my reaction versus their muted response. And there was certainly satisfaction but always something missing for them. And I think over time they became frustrated with the differences in how I responded versus their incomplete enjoyment.
Interesting that you observed that they might have found your enjoyment hurtful or triggering, as it might have made them feel inadequate or realize on some subconscious level that they were missing out on something. As a DA I actually know that hurt aswell. You sound like a gentle and understanding soul.
agree with you and saw this behavior with FA ex and she had all of me available to her whenever and whoever she needed. But still she cheated behind my back until I caught her and dumped her.
@@katharinaheckmann4962 Unfortunately over time the feelings would turn into resentment. And so sexual encounters would become less and less frequent because it was a reminder to them that there was this huge gulf between the two of us. And so now without this dopamine hit it would only increase further emotional estrangement.
@@remydrh I find you have understood his side astonishingly well. People usually misunderstand this. I’m sorry to hear this, this for sure can’t be easy! I can only tell you from my own experience that the feeling of inadequacy is huge. You feel so stupid but isolated and in many ways cheated out of life. It’s like life seems to pass you by and everyone else gets to participate. It’s embarrassing and humiliating to be seen as this lacking, especially by close ones who are supposed to look up to us in respect, and even though you are well meaning, that gaze of sympathy/judgement is why he has gone into hiding. I know it is not your fault, I believe passing on a DA attachment style to a child is a crime in and of it’s self.
I wasn't ready for the most impactful relationship of my life. This explains so much. Those walls. I basically did everything you said I shouldn't do! 2 years, and its still in me. whew.
What about what happens when those walls come down and they start to really trust and love you, and that scares them so much that they deactivate and sabotage the relationship…again (for the third time)?
I relate so completely to all the DA descriptions and challenges EXCEPT this bit about sabotaging relationships from fear. I understand bailing from feeling criticized, from feeling controlled, from feeling misunderstood, from too much conflict - but not just from the relationship going well. It's a weird disconnect for me when everything else matches so well. Is it possible just being hyper-rational, introverted, quietly sensitive, and utterly conflict-avoidant adds up to something that tests like DA but doesn't quite have the same attachment issues?
@@MilesIncognitosomething here to ask yourself is maybe you aren't in good relationships and that is why you experience issues with conflict. Or it may be that there's a distorted view of the relationship. I have dated avoidants and fearful avoidants and it's clear that their view of the relationship is distorted. If you look at other videos under their personal development school you will see Thais talk about the stories we tell ourselves and how these aren't really based on reality. We may convince ourselves that certain things are happening in the relationship or that there are certain meanings behind what our partner is doing but they aren't based on reality. Or, like I said above, you find yourself in bad relationships and it isn't that you were leaving because it's a good relationship It's that you were legitimately in a bad relationship. But then you may be in a situation like me where you need to ask why you keep choosing bad partners... And that could absolutely be related to being avoidant.
We talked about it a good bit and were really looking forward to having it. We went away to a hotel to be together for the first time, but when we got there she couldn’t go through with it. She apologized, but I was nothing but reassuring and told her not to apologize at all. I just told her I loved her and that we would get there. She discarded me two days later.
I cant imagine a female DA. I feel like they would be so much more harsh than a man, because a male DA is a lot to deal with bcause of the hardcore avoidant ways. Imagine a girl being that cold
You know ironically you telling her you loved her caused the discard. These people cannot do emotional vulnerability. They have absolutely no capacity for it. Triggers deactivation.
@@BruceJC75 makes sense too. For mine the sex was simply a dopamine hit. She loved it to hell. She deactivated over time when she realised she really really liked me. LOL. Ironic
Avoidants are very quick to have sex with new partners because they don't view sex as intimacy. It's very detached emotionally for them, sorta like a handshake for normal people. They are good for one night stands, but not designed for long term relationships.
Massive generalization and oversimplification. I’m a DA, and recovering from rushing into sex because it bonds me too much, too soon, before I’ve fully vetted the other person. I have pedestalized and gone all-in, while aware of old habits of being independent to a fault, not good at receiving. I am working hard to do all I must do to align with the marriage/lifelong partnership I’ve always craved, but struggled to believe was possible for me.
Accurate to my experience, i only realised after the discard that sex was just a dopamine hit for my FA. She loved sex and was totally possessed during the act, BUT she could not hold eye contact (intimacy) during the act.
@@johndoe8923-k2d I was not attracted to my FA ex at all initially but she used sex to win me over. It was the best sex I ever had. FA’s tend to have poor boundaries around sex so they almost never refuse sex. My ex stopped seeing me because she didn’t want intimacy anymore
My DA ex was the very sexual type. We were in a LDR and when we first met up in person, 3 months after we started dating. As soon as he picked me up from the airport we wet to his place to do the deed. I was a bit jet lagged, tired from the trip, hungry, but yeah sex was first. We haven't even had our first proper date. LOL He did also open up that for a long time after his last long relationship ended, he would swing with couples just to feel something. But when we dated, the month I stayed with him, he literally broke my back. LOL not that I'm complaining. But yeah, got close, comfortable, vulnerable then he locked up, stone wall, and ghosted. Then bam, he sent me a breakup text after a month of ghosting telling not to contact him, days before we move in together. Now I'm here, 6 months into self-work and healing.
In my recent experience, me and an avoidant was reconnecting for about 8 weeks. We returned from our first trip together and they finally released during intimacy. Quickly after they grew distant and because this was our 2nd time reconnecting, I allowed space to naturally occur. I reached out a week later to ask “if they were ok” since they did not follow up with the call they said they’d do and received a break up text a week later :) the first time this happened was similar (minus intimacy) they offered a call and I following up with it and then received the break up text. I'm sharing relatable experiences to illustrate how attachment theories can be applied. The depth of these discussions has helped identify triggers more effectively as being someone whose core is avoidant leaning secure. Really appreciate your channel!!
My ex DA was on the slow side. I noticed that because he would get really physically nervous around me and stiffen up if I even wanted to hold his hand. It took 3 months before we kissed, but then we soon therafter also started having sex. I then saw that he had a kinky side where I felt that a session of sex with him felt like a sex binge. Not that I minded. However it was around that time I had a clue that he has sexual abuse trauma. I asked that, but he denied it, until 3 years later he admitted to what happened in his childhood. He continued to have this waves between sexual anorexia and hypersexuality until he just settled on the withdrawal from sex and it became a lot for him to engage.
My DA won't let us have ANY kind of connection. It's the one thing I want and he can't give it to me. He only cares about his sexual need and neglects my needs. I personally need a connection before I can be intimate. 26 years and on the cusp of divorce.
so sorry for your situation. oddly, I'm a DA who has a lack of sex problem in my relationship, so a similar problem but also different. My ears perked up at "need a connection before I can be intimate", because my wiring is almost the opposite - the deed & release itself creates the connection. Is it possible some couples are stuck in a chicken & egg problem of which happens first? I want the sex to be based on that raw animal instinct and mutual desire with my partner, and feelings happen after. I wonder if my wife is wired more like you, and how to navigate that.
Sex isn’t a big deal….. when they’re chasing the dopamine. My ex was accused of continuously cheating on his ex-wife. He admitted to doing so in the dating stages , early on in our getting to know each other….. but he denies any cheating after that. Learning about the DA patterns has become a huge eye-opener and now everything makes sense.
"When avoidants feel judged or shamed around seggs, it will cause them to shut down, in fact shut down so much they dont open back up again" And the moment I was told "all you think about is seggs" was the moment I never initiated it again after 10 years of rejection.
Ngl i hate this infinite circle of being avoidant but i just cant let people to close i also have this with friendships and im glad my friends understand i sometimes disappear but im tired of my self 😭💀
The DA in my life has erectile dysfunction. We tried to have sex but he was unable to perform & although the situation-ship continued he never attempted to get sexual with me again & the one time we spoke about it he denied the truth & said that he was too big to fit. I pointed out that he was not hard enough. It’s been years & we were edging towards FINALLY reconnecting when he said that he still likes me but is too shy & too busy for relationship. Oh boy! After 5Lt eats I’ve given up.
There's also an important issue, that I don't know how anybody can go around it but I accept suggestions for my next life! The sex was a bit robotic since the beginning, she was enjoying but she was not putting much creativity, effort or even good "technique". I anyway enjoyed it for a while but at some point, as a secure partner, I asked my possibly FA ex girlfriend if she was ok with sex, if there was something she would like to do or if she was enjoying it as much, because sometimes it looked as she felt "bored" or really without much motivation, and I didn't want to be boring to her. She responded "maybe I am the one boring and that's why you feel bored". After that conversation, I think she completely withdrew from sex for the last 2 months of the relationship, justifying it by the medication she was taking for anxiety and depression that reduced her libido and that she felt anxious when I tried to initiate and she didn't really felt enough motivation. So that was it, not criticism but actually caring about her experience and giving her time and understanding without forcing her. If you can think of a way this wouldn't have happened outside not caring about her needs and never asking anything, you're very welcome to write!
Hey if you want, read my comment above that I’ve just written, similar sort of thing. Relationships with these people are just very different to what might be considered normal and they will have you doubting and blaming yourself when they just weren’t emotionally available. It can really hurt.
It sounds to me very judgemental.. And you blame her for what you thought was lacking. Maybe she just hadn't had much experience? Or was not aware it was a bit "robotic". Instead you could have expressed your own needs in a positive manner. Not basically saying hey what's wrong with you? I care about my sex life by acting like I want to know why you aren't behaving in a way I find good enough. But instead something more like: hey how would you like to get more creative? I had this in mind for instance, would love to hear what you would like to try.
Yeah you should not have used the word boring bro, but with no woman to be honest - the medication thing was the same with my ex DA - from hyper sexual and having fun, being open like I loved it in the first q0-12 weeks, once it got closer and more serious, she started her job again and took 100% more hormones due to endometriosis, it was over, did not have sex with her for like 6 weeks…she blamed me for counting the time…that sex might be more important to me than what I told her it would…that she could understand if I get it somewhere else…it is just so sad, that those avoidants people are actually the cause that will result in the situations they fear so much. They just don’t get it
Im in a relationship with a DA and though the sex is great, I have felt like it's been missing something for awhile. I'm open with a lot, and the topic of sex I don't shy away from. It seems at times everything is blended when it comes to sex. Little to no passion, wants/needs. Spent a good portion of the relationship trying to figure out what the issue is. I still don't definitively have an exact reason. I know there are walls up, but no matter what I do/say, it doesn't change anything. I'm not trying to forcefully change our sex life but if they constantly point out the honeymoon phase of the relationship then they have to realize that input from both partners is needed as well as affection from both.
Is sex really that intimate considering hook up culture? I don't see any intimacy in hook up culture. Not that I participate just an observation from those that do. Friend complaining about lack of intimacy with the friend with benefits they met on hook up apps.
It's not. Many people confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. I have asked some people for a description of emotional intimacy and they begin describing sex... They are often confused between the two. And it's one reason I see hook up culture being very common because I think over time more and more people have become avoidant. There were a lot of bad lessons to learn from previous generations on how a relationship should work And so rather than risk this type of relationship people will try to get their needs met through physical intimacy only to find it lacking. But rather than understand why they keep doing this only to feel dissatisfied a day later they just think maybe more would help...
My ex DA gf was insatiable with me. 12- 20 orgasm nights were frequent. It never translated to emotional with her. Or, I should say - after the 15 month mark- there seemed to be less emotion and less physical affection. I've heard Adam Lane Smith refer to the DA 180 degree turnaround - or " flipping the facade" at about this point : re intimacy. And experienced a serious coldness from her the last 6 weeks.
I have the same experience, hypersexual for the first year and a half, then a sudden drop off. Also, an interesting thought that I only realised after the breakup and learning about attachment theory, is that she always preferred positions that were less intimate and face to face, avoiding that closer emotional connection, eyes always closed🤔
@@norswil8763I experienced this as well. Kissing at first; minimal ; but hyper sexual; then dropped off ; but eventually kissing stopped and yeah no face to face interactions. Mine was and is only concerned with his own pleasure. I’m just a vessel.
@@norswil8763 wow. I'd say my GF was the same, half-the time. But I actually requested and taught her about eye contact during sex, and she did respond positively. I just sent her a very direct and blunt letter - calling her out on all her dysfunction, bullshit, lies. People in these spaces seem to want to tiptoe around them - but if they don't hear the blunt truth - how the hell will they ever learn - because they don't self-reflect.
I'm curious how powerful, record-breaking, "best sex of their life" might compel a DA to overcome their blocks. If they know they have never had it that good before and will never have it that good ever again, might that be an impetus for them to finally look in the mirror and be ready to change?
Nope it won’t - made her come with leggings still on the first time we got physical, she said she wouldn’t want to have sex the first 3 months…1 week later, I made her demand that I would put it in and I told her, you said you wanted to wait and it’s fine with me, I really loved her and thought she is my girl for the rest of my life…the first time after she demanded me to give it to her she told me that I am the best she ever had - and she really meant it, saw it in her eyes - she was really comfortable, she really enjoyed it snd I couldn’t even get to her place to domhome office with her not sitting on my lap 30 seconds later…however, all the horny behavior, scratching me back hard, really feeling and enjoying it was gone once it got more serious between us and I „massively disappointed“ her for the first time - yes, I drove weeknights from midnight until 6 morning to pick her up at her flat. Cause she was sick - but 2 days later having not had sleep for more than 3 hours each night after losing the night I drove to her, I didn’t hear my alarm Saturdays morning to pick her up for a local celebration in the city but only woke up at 12 and not 9. after that it was done with her…stayed more months hoping the person I fell in love with would return…she never did…so no, even if you fuck their brains out, make her come always and are the best she ever had, they will not change…
No because they lack the bonding neurochemistry. They binge on dopamine which is what sex is so your just giving them a worse binge into the unhealthy and preventing long term bonding. 😢
@@brownell.landrumI thought it would make a difference given that me and my ex of 12 months both said that it was the best sex we’ve ever had and she also said that I was the first man that she has ever truly respected. Neither of these were compelling factors in her deciding to stay instead of leave, nor work on things. She IS in therapy. But she’s avoiding the relationship with me, and ALL relationships, because she doesn’t want to put herself in situations where she feels any pressure or expectation.
I'm going to give a kind of sad answer. The flaw in your logic is that the DA probably doesn't know they have any issue. I say that as a DA learning about this stuff recently. Even if this is a motivator to stay together, the DA wiring doesn't expect you to accept them as they are. They will try to make it work, but in the wrong ways, without being real about their boundaries and preferences. If you are very lucky you will have enough in common that this does move things along, but there is a big risk that they kind of build a facade and then need to escape that facade. The DA flaw might not be a lack of trying, but the contradiction between wanting acceptance and hiding their true self because they do not believe you will accept them. That's a very difficult contradiction to escape.
Very thorough breakdown. Being a physical/tactile person I tend to connect with women most through s*x. It may explain why I prefer playing the field to serious relationships. 🤔 I'd love to see more of this!
@@hspinnovators5516 well I'm not well versed in the chemical compounds, but what I CAN say is that my career/business goals have shown more consistency in happiness than in relationships. As the late Nipsey Hussle said, "you could wake up to the love of your life one day and they could decide they love someone else. However if you wake up next to a $100 bill, it'll always be a $100 bill." I tend to agree.
Avoidants are a complete waste of time, energy and love. Just run the other direction. No amount of watching videos like this will change them. The avoidant has to do the work to fix themselves!
@@jamiejaymee It is for anyone! I'm curious why you thought you already had to be in the field? About 50% of our students actually come from completely unrelated careers and are looking to make a job change!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool oh ok, the info video on the page you have me a link to, Thais said that this was for people who are already professionals.. so I turned it off 👀 maybe I should have listened until the end 😅?
In my experience the fearful avoidants were more (sometimes significantly) interested in sex than the dismissive avoidants. Sex was a way to satisfy their anxious side. But I don't feel like they got any more out of it then an avoidant does. Because either way the inability to be vulnerable or connected to their emotions meant that it was an almost purely physical act.
Nekada je bilo sexa u odredjenin godina svaki dan ,svaki drugi neki put dva puta dnevno i jedva smo cekali nezasito danas u 51 tesko da mogu da ga zamislim tj gadi mi se valjda smo napunili batetije nisu litijum ali traju 🎉
I've told him a few times what my favourite position is and he got excited but now he's avoiding it like the plague.. could it be a fear of doing it well enough because it's my favorite? He's really good in bed!
The DA in my life has erectile dysfunction. We tried to have sex but he was unable to perform & although the situation-ship continued he never attempted to get sexual with me again & the one time we spoke about it he denied the truth & said that he was too big to fit. I pointed out that he was not hard enough. It’s been years & we were edging towards FINALLY reconnecting when he said that he still likes me but is too shy & too busy for relationship. Oh boy! After 5Lt eats I’ve given up.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 79 | คู่เอก "ก้องชัย vs อาเมียร์"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/WfPSA1A0NHc/mqdefault.jpg)
These ppl are way too much work 4 months after the break up im good i need to unsub from all these channels and get a regular partner. 99% sure she wouldn't half the research im doing to understand me.
The regular partners are raised into secure attachment style, and married with high-school partner..all the rest are on the dating market
@@gaborb6577 Not necessarly, thanks to the DA, some of them are still there.
True. It’s a reality. I needed to accept it with the same thing she asked me: “Time and Space”. I took that time to work on my self and allocated space for new stuff to come. May she float like an astronaut and when she decides to come back to Earth I will already moved on without the hurt no more.
You are smart to educate yourself
..then you'll know when you've attracted another one and you can RUN
@@gaborb6577this is the sad, awful truth
I have found that most avoidant partners I have confused physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In fact when I asked them to describe emotional intimacy they describe it in physical terms.
Before our relationships many of them would have a lot of sexual encounters and hookups. In some cases the frequency of which gave me pause. They were trying to fill the empty cup with these encounters. They were always satisfying for a short period but then they would need more to feel good about themselves.
And a lot of these cases, even in the relationship, physical intimacy was almost treated like a job. And it's because their inability to be vulnerable meant that the other dimension of intimacy was never really achieved. While I was experiencing true intimacy and in many cases actual joy and love they seemed to be going through the motions almost confused by my reaction versus their muted response. And there was certainly satisfaction but always something missing for them. And I think over time they became frustrated with the differences in how I responded versus their incomplete enjoyment.
Interesting that you observed that they might have found your enjoyment hurtful or triggering, as it might have made them feel inadequate or realize on some subconscious level that they were missing out on something. As a DA I actually know that hurt aswell.
You sound like a gentle and understanding soul.
Just the realization that one is “different” is painful…
agree with you and saw this behavior with FA ex and she had all of me available to her whenever and whoever she needed. But still she cheated behind my back until I caught her and dumped her.
@@katharinaheckmann4962 Unfortunately over time the feelings would turn into resentment. And so sexual encounters would become less and less frequent because it was a reminder to them that there was this huge gulf between the two of us. And so now without this dopamine hit it would only increase further emotional estrangement.
@@remydrh I find you have understood his side astonishingly well. People usually misunderstand this. I’m sorry to hear this, this for sure can’t be easy! I can only tell you from my own experience that the feeling of inadequacy is huge. You feel so stupid but isolated and in many ways cheated out of life. It’s like life seems to pass you by and everyone else gets to participate. It’s embarrassing and humiliating to be seen as this lacking, especially by close ones who are supposed to look up to us in respect, and even though you are well meaning, that gaze of sympathy/judgement is why he has gone into hiding. I know it is not your fault, I believe passing on a DA attachment style to a child is a crime in and of it’s self.
I wasn't ready for the most impactful relationship of my life. This explains so much. Those walls. I basically did everything you said I shouldn't do! 2 years, and its still in me. whew.
We talked about it... it was something pleasurable for him to do. He didn't experience bonding like I did.
What about what happens when those walls come down and they start to really trust and love you, and that scares them so much that they deactivate and sabotage the relationship…again (for the third time)?
What about that, obviously they have attachment issues
Then you leave.
Are you addicted to pain and suffering ?
I relate so completely to all the DA descriptions and challenges EXCEPT this bit about sabotaging relationships from fear. I understand bailing from feeling criticized, from feeling controlled, from feeling misunderstood, from too much conflict - but not just from the relationship going well. It's a weird disconnect for me when everything else matches so well.
Is it possible just being hyper-rational, introverted, quietly sensitive, and utterly conflict-avoidant adds up to something that tests like DA but doesn't quite have the same attachment issues?
@@MilesIncognitosomething here to ask yourself is maybe you aren't in good relationships and that is why you experience issues with conflict. Or it may be that there's a distorted view of the relationship. I have dated avoidants and fearful avoidants and it's clear that their view of the relationship is distorted. If you look at other videos under their personal development school you will see Thais talk about the stories we tell ourselves and how these aren't really based on reality. We may convince ourselves that certain things are happening in the relationship or that there are certain meanings behind what our partner is doing but they aren't based on reality.
Or, like I said above, you find yourself in bad relationships and it isn't that you were leaving because it's a good relationship It's that you were legitimately in a bad relationship. But then you may be in a situation like me where you need to ask why you keep choosing bad partners... And that could absolutely be related to being avoidant.
We talked about it a good bit and were really looking forward to having it. We went away to a hotel to be together for the first time, but when we got there she couldn’t go through with it. She apologized, but I was nothing but reassuring and told her not to apologize at all. I just told her I loved her and that we would get there. She discarded me two days later.
I cant imagine a female DA. I feel like they would be so much more harsh than a man, because a male DA is a lot to deal with bcause of the hardcore avoidant ways. Imagine a girl being that cold
@@Neya500 I’ve camped in the mountains of Colorado, and that was the coldest night of my life.
You know ironically you telling her you loved her caused the discard. These people cannot do emotional vulnerability. They have absolutely no capacity for it. Triggers deactivation.
@@johndoe8923-k2d We had already been regularly saying “I love you” to each other, but I suppose this was the deepest expression of love yet.
@@BruceJC75 makes sense too. For mine the sex was simply a dopamine hit. She loved it to hell. She deactivated over time when she realised she really really liked me. LOL. Ironic
Avoidants are very quick to have sex with new partners because they don't view sex as intimacy. It's very detached emotionally for them, sorta like a handshake for normal people. They are good for one night stands, but not designed for long term relationships.
Massive generalization and oversimplification. I’m a DA, and recovering from rushing into sex because it bonds me too much, too soon, before I’ve fully vetted the other person. I have pedestalized and gone all-in, while aware of old habits of being independent to a fault, not good at receiving.
I am working hard to do all I must do to align with the marriage/lifelong partnership I’ve always craved, but struggled to believe was possible for me.
@@PetitHibou72 It's good that you're working on your issues, but from my experience DA's are that way.
Accurate to my experience, i only realised after the discard that sex was just a dopamine hit for my FA. She loved sex and was totally possessed during the act, BUT she could not hold eye contact (intimacy) during the act.
She outlines two types, one of which matches your generalization and one that doesn't.
@@johndoe8923-k2d I was not attracted to my FA ex at all initially but she used sex to win me over. It was the best sex I ever had. FA’s tend to have poor boundaries around sex so they almost never refuse sex. My ex stopped seeing me because she didn’t want intimacy anymore
Wow! This is enlightening. I would love to see this same video, but for those with and Anxious Attachment style.
My DA ex was the very sexual type. We were in a LDR and when we first met up in person, 3 months after we started dating. As soon as he picked me up from the airport we wet to his place to do the deed. I was a bit jet lagged, tired from the trip, hungry, but yeah sex was first. We haven't even had our first proper date. LOL
He did also open up that for a long time after his last long relationship ended, he would swing with couples just to feel something. But when we dated, the month I stayed with him, he literally broke my back. LOL not that I'm complaining.
But yeah, got close, comfortable, vulnerable then he locked up, stone wall, and ghosted. Then bam, he sent me a breakup text after a month of ghosting telling not to contact him, days before we move in together. Now I'm here, 6 months into self-work and healing.
😅😅😊
hw long did you date for?
😢Sorry. I get it.
I'm so glad you turned this experience into an opportunity to heal. Have you felt less attraction to avoidant types yet?
Healing not from actual DA, but from your own personality wishing to go down to business on the first meeting.
In my recent experience, me and an avoidant was reconnecting for about 8 weeks. We returned from our first trip together and they finally released during intimacy. Quickly after they grew distant and because this was our 2nd time reconnecting, I allowed space to naturally occur. I reached out a week later to ask “if they were ok” since they did not follow up with the call they said they’d do and received a break up text a week later :) the first time this happened was similar (minus intimacy) they offered a call and I following up with it and then received the break up text.
I'm sharing relatable experiences to illustrate how attachment theories can be applied. The depth of these discussions has helped identify triggers more effectively as being someone whose core is avoidant leaning secure.
Really appreciate your channel!!
Self sabotage
Would really like more on a Fearful avoidant, please!
Could you do a Fearful Avoidant specific related to this topic
My ex DA was on the slow side. I noticed that because he would get really physically nervous around me and stiffen up if I even wanted to hold his hand. It took 3 months before we kissed, but then we soon therafter also started having sex. I then saw that he had a kinky side where I felt that a session of sex with him felt like a sex binge. Not that I minded. However it was around that time I had a clue that he has sexual abuse trauma. I asked that, but he denied it, until 3 years later he admitted to what happened in his childhood. He continued to have this waves between sexual anorexia and hypersexuality until he just settled on the withdrawal from sex and it became a lot for him to engage.
Thanks for the informative video.
Excellent podcast. I'm so greatful for this amazing insight into my significant other!!
Im pretty sure the DA i was dealing with used sex in the place of an emotional bond.
somebody tell this again to me like I'm five.
Super fascinating video!! I reeeeeeeally hope you do one for the two different types of FAs and APs where this is concerned, as well!!
My DA never made eye contact during sex in 2 1/2 years! Now I understand why. When she was drunk it was worse, it felt like a one night stand.
🙏
Thank you for helping turn my inner thoughts into beneficial outer words/actions
My DA won't let us have ANY kind of connection. It's the one thing I want and he can't give it to me.
He only cares about his sexual need and neglects my needs.
I personally need a connection before I can be intimate.
26 years and on the cusp of divorce.
I’m confused by how you have lived like this for 26 years..
so sorry for your situation. oddly, I'm a DA who has a lack of sex problem in my relationship, so a similar problem but also different. My ears perked up at "need a connection before I can be intimate", because my wiring is almost the opposite - the deed & release itself creates the connection.
Is it possible some couples are stuck in a chicken & egg problem of which happens first? I want the sex to be based on that raw animal instinct and mutual desire with my partner, and feelings happen after. I wonder if my wife is wired more like you, and how to navigate that.
@@MilesIncognito I'd venture to say that MOST women are "wired" that way. Intimacy leads to sex.
Sex isn’t a big deal….. when they’re chasing the dopamine. My ex was accused of continuously cheating on his ex-wife. He admitted to doing so in the dating stages , early on in our getting to know each other….. but he denies any cheating after that. Learning about the DA patterns has become a huge eye-opener and now everything makes sense.
"When avoidants feel judged or shamed around seggs, it will cause them to shut down, in fact shut down so much they dont open back up again"
And the moment I was told "all you think about is seggs" was the moment I never initiated it again after 10 years of rejection.
They sometimes pop up REALLY suddenly with wanting it too.
The mental connection gets me.
And yep they move into being spicier
Ngl i hate this infinite circle of being avoidant but i just cant let people to close i also have this with friendships and im glad my friends understand i sometimes disappear but im tired of my self 😭💀
The DA in my life has erectile dysfunction. We tried to have sex but he was unable to perform & although the situation-ship continued he never attempted to get sexual with me again & the one time we spoke about it he denied the truth & said that he was too big to fit. I pointed out that he was not hard enough. It’s been years & we were edging towards FINALLY reconnecting when he said that he still likes me but is too shy & too busy for relationship. Oh boy! After 5Lt eats I’ve given up.
There's also an important issue, that I don't know how anybody can go around it but I accept suggestions for my next life!
The sex was a bit robotic since the beginning, she was enjoying but she was not putting much creativity, effort or even good "technique". I anyway enjoyed it for a while but at some point, as a secure partner, I asked my possibly FA ex girlfriend if she was ok with sex, if there was something she would like to do or if she was enjoying it as much, because sometimes it looked as she felt "bored" or really without much motivation, and I didn't want to be boring to her. She responded "maybe I am the one boring and that's why you feel bored". After that conversation, I think she completely withdrew from sex for the last 2 months of the relationship, justifying it by the medication she was taking for anxiety and depression that reduced her libido and that she felt anxious when I tried to initiate and she didn't really felt enough motivation. So that was it, not criticism but actually caring about her experience and giving her time and understanding without forcing her.
If you can think of a way this wouldn't have happened outside not caring about her needs and never asking anything, you're very welcome to write!
Hey if you want, read my comment above that I’ve just written, similar sort of thing.
Relationships with these people are just very different to what might be considered normal and they will have you doubting and blaming yourself when they just weren’t emotionally available. It can really hurt.
It sounds to me very judgemental.. And you blame her for what you thought was lacking. Maybe she just hadn't had much experience? Or was not aware it was a bit "robotic". Instead you could have expressed your own needs in a positive manner. Not basically saying hey what's wrong with you? I care about my sex life by acting like I want to know why you aren't behaving in a way I find good enough. But instead something more like: hey how would you like to get more creative? I had this in mind for instance, would love to hear what you would like to try.
Yeah you should not have used the word boring bro, but with no woman to be honest - the medication thing was the same with my ex DA - from hyper sexual and having fun, being open like I loved it in the first q0-12 weeks, once it got closer and more serious, she started her job again and took 100% more hormones due to endometriosis, it was over, did not have sex with her for like 6 weeks…she blamed me for counting the time…that sex might be more important to me than what I told her it would…that she could understand if I get it somewhere else…it is just so sad, that those avoidants people are actually the cause that will result in the situations they fear so much. They just don’t get it
@@user-js4mt1nr2y ….spoken like a true avoidant ! Either that or you have no idea what these people are like.
Im in a relationship with a DA and though the sex is great, I have felt like it's been missing something for awhile. I'm open with a lot, and the topic of sex I don't shy away from. It seems at times everything is blended when it comes to sex. Little to no passion, wants/needs. Spent a good portion of the relationship trying to figure out what the issue is. I still don't definitively have an exact reason. I know there are walls up, but no matter what I do/say, it doesn't change anything. I'm not trying to forcefully change our sex life but if they constantly point out the honeymoon phase of the relationship then they have to realize that input from both partners is needed as well as affection from both.
Is sex really that intimate considering hook up culture? I don't see any intimacy in hook up culture. Not that I participate just an observation from those that do. Friend complaining about lack of intimacy with the friend with benefits they met on hook up apps.
It's not. Many people confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. I have asked some people for a description of emotional intimacy and they begin describing sex... They are often confused between the two. And it's one reason I see hook up culture being very common because I think over time more and more people have become avoidant. There were a lot of bad lessons to learn from previous generations on how a relationship should work And so rather than risk this type of relationship people will try to get their needs met through physical intimacy only to find it lacking. But rather than understand why they keep doing this only to feel dissatisfied a day later they just think maybe more would help...
Sex CAN be intimate. It's a matter of how you treat it. ❤
My ex DA gf was insatiable with me. 12- 20 orgasm nights were frequent. It never translated to emotional with her. Or, I should say - after the 15 month mark- there seemed to be less emotion and less physical affection. I've heard Adam Lane Smith refer to the DA 180 degree turnaround - or " flipping the facade" at about this point : re intimacy.
And experienced a serious coldness from her the last 6 weeks.
I have the same experience, hypersexual for the first year and a half, then a sudden drop off. Also, an interesting thought that I only realised after the breakup and learning about attachment theory, is that she always preferred positions that were less intimate and face to face, avoiding that closer emotional connection, eyes always closed🤔
@@norswil8763I experienced this as well. Kissing at first; minimal ; but hyper sexual; then dropped off ; but eventually kissing stopped and yeah no face to face interactions. Mine was and is only concerned with his own pleasure. I’m just a vessel.
@@norswil8763 wow. I'd say my GF was the same, half-the time. But I actually requested and taught her about eye contact during sex, and she did respond positively. I just sent her a very direct and blunt letter - calling her out on all her dysfunction, bullshit, lies. People in these spaces seem to want to tiptoe around them - but if they don't hear the blunt truth - how the hell will they ever learn - because they don't self-reflect.
@Cre8Fire34 - where does Adam Smith talk about this? Or what videos? I haven’t seen it
@@Cre8Fire34where is the video(s) where Adam talks about this? I haven’t heard about this before and have watched a lot of his video
I'm curious how powerful, record-breaking, "best sex of their life" might compel a DA to overcome their blocks. If they know they have never had it that good before and will never have it that good ever again, might that be an impetus for them to finally look in the mirror and be ready to change?
Nope it won’t - made her come with leggings still on the first time we got physical, she said she wouldn’t want to have sex the first 3 months…1 week later, I made her demand that I would put it in and I told her, you said you wanted to wait and it’s fine with me, I really loved her and thought she is my girl for the rest of my life…the first time after she demanded me to give it to her she told me that I am the best she ever had - and she really meant it, saw it in her eyes - she was really comfortable, she really enjoyed it snd I couldn’t even get to her place to domhome office with her not sitting on my lap 30 seconds later…however, all the horny behavior, scratching me back hard, really feeling and enjoying it was gone once it got more serious between us and I „massively disappointed“ her for the first time - yes, I drove weeknights from midnight until 6 morning to pick her up at her flat. Cause she was sick - but 2 days later having not had sleep for more than 3 hours each night after losing the night I drove to her, I didn’t hear my alarm Saturdays morning to pick her up for a local celebration in the city but only woke up at 12 and not 9. after that it was done with her…stayed more months hoping the person I fell in love with would return…she never did…so no, even if you fuck their brains out, make her come always and are the best she ever had, they will not change…
No because they lack the bonding neurochemistry. They binge on dopamine which is what sex is so your just giving them a worse binge into the unhealthy and preventing long term bonding. 😢
@@hspinnovators5516 I'm sorry but that just doesn't make any sense to me.
@@brownell.landrumI thought it would make a difference given that me and my ex of 12 months both said that it was the best sex we’ve ever had and she also said that I was the first man that she has ever truly respected. Neither of these were compelling factors in her deciding to stay instead of leave, nor work on things. She IS in therapy. But she’s avoiding the relationship with me, and ALL relationships, because she doesn’t want to put herself in situations where she feels any pressure or expectation.
I'm going to give a kind of sad answer. The flaw in your logic is that the DA probably doesn't know they have any issue. I say that as a DA learning about this stuff recently. Even if this is a motivator to stay together, the DA wiring doesn't expect you to accept them as they are. They will try to make it work, but in the wrong ways, without being real about their boundaries and preferences. If you are very lucky you will have enough in common that this does move things along, but there is a big risk that they kind of build a facade and then need to escape that facade.
The DA flaw might not be a lack of trying, but the contradiction between wanting acceptance and hiding their true self because they do not believe you will accept them. That's a very difficult contradiction to escape.
Very thorough breakdown. Being a physical/tactile person I tend to connect with women most through s*x. It may explain why I prefer playing the field to serious relationships. 🤔 I'd love to see more of this!
So you essentially prefer to use people ?
@@cspace1234nz no, I prefer to play the field as opposed to being committed. I'm much more career oriented than I am relationship oriented.
@@sifublack192 ….yeah ok, so you use people !
That's from the lack of oxytocin and serotonin. It's the dopamine drop
@@hspinnovators5516 well I'm not well versed in the chemical compounds, but what I CAN say is that my career/business goals have shown more consistency in happiness than in relationships. As the late Nipsey Hussle said, "you could wake up to the love of your life one day and they could decide they love someone else. However if you wake up next to a $100 bill, it'll always be a $100 bill." I tend to agree.
From being around FA, when they want something spicy they can be FOR WARD like almost too obvious
Avoidants are a complete waste of time, energy and love. Just run the other direction. No amount of watching videos like this will change them. The avoidant has to do the work to fix themselves!
Do you offer the fee for IAT by monthly installments?
Yes we do! :) Here is a link if you ever want to book a call and find out more! go.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool amazing!!!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool ash, I didn't realise it was for people already in the profession of caring for people. Back to the drawing board 😅
@@jamiejaymee It is for anyone! I'm curious why you thought you already had to be in the field? About 50% of our students actually come from completely unrelated careers and are looking to make a job change!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool oh ok, the info video on the page you have me a link to, Thais said that this was for people who are already professionals.. so I turned it off 👀 maybe I should have listened until the end 😅?
Does this apply to fearful avoidants?
In my experience the fearful avoidants were more (sometimes significantly) interested in sex than the dismissive avoidants. Sex was a way to satisfy their anxious side. But I don't feel like they got any more out of it then an avoidant does. Because either way the inability to be vulnerable or connected to their emotions meant that it was an almost purely physical act.
Nekada je bilo sexa u odredjenin godina svaki dan ,svaki drugi neki put dva puta dnevno i jedva smo cekali nezasito danas u 51 tesko da mogu da ga zamislim tj gadi mi se valjda smo napunili batetije nisu litijum ali traju 🎉
I've told him a few times what my favourite position is and he got excited but now he's avoiding it like the plague.. could it be a fear of doing it well enough because it's my favorite? He's really good in bed!
❤❤❤❤
You mean woman...
The DA in my life has erectile dysfunction. We tried to have sex but he was unable to perform & although the situation-ship continued he never attempted to get sexual with me again & the one time we spoke about it he denied the truth & said that he was too big to fit. I pointed out that he was not hard enough. It’s been years & we were edging towards FINALLY reconnecting when he said that he still likes me but is too shy & too busy for relationship. Oh boy! After 5Lt eats I’ve given up.