This is so accurate! Thank you for putting out such useful content 💞 And thank you for standing up for DAs as human beings too! We also have wounds. Felt so seen and cared of just right there! Have a beautiful week!
You may be but you can justify deceiving yourself into believing you tried everything when you give up and ran away. It's a matter of ambition to the relationship at one point and it's messed up to deceive yourself out of that.
I agree. Life is so different for so many people. I am currently seeing a DA early stages and these videos are soooooo accurate and helpful. So grateful to try and understand him more, he’s such a beautiful person. I have hope 🥰
From a few failed relationships with DA's, I have realized that the DA has two phases: the first one in which you still have the potential to be their "perfect partner" (they have this fantasy of an eternally satisfied partner who never expresses any needs or has any feedback about them or the relationship), and in this phase they also choose to hide their needs and feedback about you - this is the ideal relationship setup for them: a veneer of perfection, if there are needs and concerns, nothing is communicated. And, a second phase where the DA's partner has expressed a need or given feedback (even if they have done so following Thais's guidelines and nonviolent communication). Now the DA has realized that the relationship is no longer perfect like the fantasy in their mind, and they begin a process of internally devaluing the partner, testing them and registering every shortcoming. Now they feel safe to give feedback to the partner, but this is usually done in a much more hurtful manner, because in their mind they have nothing precious to lose anymore. Finally, when they are ready to discard the partner, they express all the unmet needs they had kept to themselves during the relationship, usually in the form of "you never do x, y or z" and "I'm not feeling seen/heard/understood" (even though they were never clear about having unmet needs and the partner is not a psychic), and this strategy gives them reasons to terminate the relationship. If prompted to talk about it first and give the partner a chance to do different, the response is usually "I can't do this anymore". And then off the DA goes, hoping to find their Holy Grail of an eternally satisfied partner in the next person, which never works (because humans are never eternally satisfied), so they amass a string of relationships lasting from a few months to a couple of years, never getting anywhere, because they will only commit to their Holy Grail. This is why it is hopeless when a DA is not actively seeking healing and growth. If they are not doing anything in the way of personal development, it's better for the partner to cut their losses and leave.
So twue 👍 They create the drama they seek to avoid. And on top of it, project it on us! I'm dealing with this myself. FA avoidant here. I find a lot of times he says just the opposite of what he really wants. Is this familiar to others?
If a DA is not in therapy working on him- or herself, your best strategy is to cut and run, or expect nothing more than their version of “friendship.” They will never contact you first. They will forget dates, when you’re already dressed and ready to go. They will ghost on travel plans, even if you’ve already laid out money. They never ask how you’re doing when they know you are sick or grieving. They will ask questions that tap your vulnerability but completely ignore any you ask them, or become very irritated and obviously in emotional pain as they struggle to answer. They will claim they’ve been to therapy and we’re the best in their “group” and even ended up becoming group leader. Whatever that means. They can have nerdy, unemotional conversations from a distance. Can’t accept love. Will claim their childhood was perfect, their mothers are always the best, and no trauma impacted them when their fathers (often) just up and leave. They have also usually left their marriage or been run off and then struggle to develop relationships with their adult children, whom you are unlikely to meet. They prefer not to be in the same room with you, so prepare to meet their need for space and make sure you have lots of friends to meet your emotional and social needs, because you are going to need them. God, I could write a book.
1. When communicating a need to DA partner, be very clear, specific and direct about what that need is. They likely have not had emotional modelling, and being specific gives them direction and empowers the DA. 2. Rather than criticising, try to express your need to the DA as a positive. Have a kind and gentle manner. 3. Appreciate and acknowledge what the DA does, this positively reinforces them and builds self-efficacy in the relationship. 4. Try to simplify things to empower the DA. 5. Be able to have a sense of lightness in the relationship - laugh, allow space, set boundaries that benefit both partners, make them feel understood
Dating a DA is similar to parenting a child. Everything is internalized, you have to be OK with giving up your needs and accepting less, despite the hyper independence constant assurance is required. Think of it as a high maintenance car, constant car with disproportionate reward. power within the relationship is extremely difficult because DAs set the boundaries and move them, double standards are the norm, traits of narcissism, disassociation between the self concept and their actual lifestyle choices, forms of deception in communication as well are to be expected. Mutuality and reciprocity is present only when it meets the DAs needs with few exceptions. DAs keep score and communication is difficult because the interpretation of your style is perceived through a lens of defensive mechanisms. It’s so much work and it requires usually an anxious preoccupied who is willing to give up a lot of their own needs to have connection. Always chasing but rarely arriving. Add any other considerations like trauma and it’s like climbing Everest. It can be baffling because many DAs come off in the dating and honeymoon phase as very open, successful, hyper sexual, and secure. But they are a well of repressed emotions and dating,honeymoon is easy to navigate. Rejection is terrifying, eating alone is terrifying, being alone is more scary than staying in a troubled relationship until the DA reaches the point of no return then you are off to bread crumbing, deactivation, and withdrawal. All power moves to protect the vulnerability.
Many attributes of the DA are similar to an alcoholic absent the substance addiction. You will find yourself apologizing a lot for expressing your needs, the DA being offended even if you do it well, and then you’re at a disadvantage because the issue remains unaddressed and nothing really changes. On the other hand DAs can be extremely attentive when their need is validation and they are avoiding daily lifestyle activities like work, kids, loneliness and other routines that don’t meet the need for attention and reinforcement. Especially older females.l (40+) Avoidance is everything and conflict will be managed easily at times on the DAs part until they no longer feel safe and you no longer meet their concept. This splitting behavior will translate into more deactivation strategies.
Thank you to all of you who replied. I’m glad you found some validation in your experience. When we describe behaviors of a DA they are really symptoms of the larger issue. I would suggest the following: DAs remind me cluster B diagnosis if you consider personality disorders as a spectrum. Borderline being the main kicker. Remember it’s a spectrum so stay away from the stigma attached to what most case studies would refer to as an individual who is chaotic, hysterical, or unable to achieve functionality. A spectrum means there are two extremes and most fall in the grey area. 1) abandonment issues are in hand with rejection. Hence the need for validation and the fear driven behaviors of self protection 2) splitting - explosive anger that is inappropriate due to the offense - think of an average text or an expression of a need by a partner that is replied to with condemnation and resentment 3) disassociation - someone who believes they model integrity, honesty, positive thinking, yet navigates their lives through deception (answering questions with questions, significant passive aggressive behaviors, no responsibility for their actions, neglecting work/parenting/or other priorities in their lives Social isolation - difficulty with social relationships or a pattern of limited socialization groups all of which are non judge mental and only supportive) and there’s always a villain they lay blame on. 4) disconnection from emotions - this can show up in sex meaning difficulty achieving orgasm or self pleasure or an almost out of body experience - submissive but not to an extreme as DAs use sex a superficial vehicle for intimacy 5) presentation - look at DAs profile pictures on media, they often reflect whatever mood they are currently in - maybe dark if deactivating, overtly sexual, or seeking attention grabbing and often filtered, or of a time that was long ago but always attention seeking. This will be contrary to in person presentation or how they want to be known. 6) unstable self image - the above behaviors relate to an overall unstable self image. This may include some shame but traits of narcissism over ride that usually. This presents as exaggerated sense of self “I’m pretty great” and a hierarchy view of others, grandiosity, using accomplishments or interests as a way to self promote ie media, learning, but never really committing to a cause long term 7) high risk behaviors - this includes sex mostly or neglecting work and parenting for prioritizing relationships. All in when relationships begin, fast tracking love. This can also be considered as risk taking despite claims of being prudent or picky about partners. It’s a form of self harm associated with the unstable self image The hyper control and avoidance are the overwhelming traits but overall, the DAs biggest deception is to themselves as self delusion is their greatest and most successful trait Be empathetic, it’s a miserable existence
@Flagirl1985 That’s an excellent insight. Yes the subconscious drives and unmet needs for connection as well as acting out the dysfunctional dynamics of our parent child relationships from our youth in our adult relationships often leads to disastrous results. The choice to stay in a one sided relationship is a choice. So the responsibility is on the AA to leave. However given the manipulative tendencies of the DA toward themselves and their partners, it is a hard road unless your boundaries are clear. Binging is a big attribute of the DA, binging relationships is one form, binging deactivation activities another. Always extremes like a high wire act. We can be understanding of both parties to a point. AA tend to be analytical and often believe they can reconcile the situation. Mostly due to another form of denial. Until it becomes so absurd there really isn’t another option.
I agree, bit that is too much common sense for many people If you look up the dictionary definition of "love" I bet you it doesn't say "giving physical affection" or anything specific. So for someone to know what you mean by "give more love" without being specific involves an element of mind-reading and divination. It's just laziness of communication on that person's part. People are not all the same when it comes how they expect to receive love. It's so unfair to expect the other person to know how you specifically want that fulfilled when you don't tell them (not YOU specifically but the person described in the video lol).
I did express my needs, clearly, with my DA ex....nope...no emotional support for you! They're so horrendously hard to be with. Not worth the crumbs you get in return
Make sure you express in a way that is not going to make them feel criticism. Also be aware they may be up front and say they cannot offer what you seek.
Mainly because they deceived themselves out of making an effort. That's what makes it all the more irritating. They actually think they did everything they could lol
Omg, that is so true! They literally think stonewalling or running away or even listening without contribution is such amazing support to the relationship ☹️ Like we should be thankful when they don’t break up with us but just sit there like we’re talking to a wall. It’s so mind-blowingly confusing and hurtful when that same person tells you that you are an incredible person whom they love with all of their heart. You end up just wanting them to stop saying that crap because it feels like empty words.
Don't criticize them harshly. Make positive suggestions. Appreciate them. Give them compliments. Make them feel safe, comfortable, secure, and give them space when they need it.
Thank you so much for these videos and for standing up for us. We're not evil, just terribly emotionally traumatized and broken. We all are trying to overcome something. Have mercy people, geez! We deserve love just like everyone else 😢
3 years with a DA. I’m an AA, so it’s super exhausting, but learning about DA traits, needs and places for improvement has helped me a lot. Things would go smoother if he wanted to also learn and go to the therapy, but he seems to be uninterested in doing the inner work on his own, we’ve done some couples therapy. But what seems to work the most is just being super super patient, it takes so much understanding, many times putting their needs over yours for a while because once they feel energized and safe, he gladly hears to what I need and tries his best. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with all my feelings and I feel lonely but inner work with my therapist has helped a lot. So my advice; get therapy, learn about yourself and your partner and be very lenient and understanding.
The DA I was close with Wanted to meet needs and was willing to put in effort in some areas. The emotional vulnerability seems like the big challenge. Learning how to rephrase things to sound less critical feels so valuable. And the DA I shared time with, virgo, is pretty critical of me and others. I just wasn't aware before that they feel defective. They thought I was critical when I am perceptive about things they were clueless about and trying to caution them.
DAs deserve more respect and understanding. After doing the work and getting a better understanding of what my DA ex was going through. And thanks to you and these videos we are closer now than we ever were before. Please if you have a DA partner watch the videos here and give them time and be patient. And you will see what amazing people they really are.
I think so too! I think I lean as a DA and it just takes me longer to get close to ppl but the ppl that stay around are always glad they stayed and end up loving me! I’m working on it though.
I am not perfect and neither was my ex who was a DA or at least showed these traits. I could see how he could be an excellent partner. He was giving until he wasn't. I left the relationship because I could see his wall wasn't coming down even though we had been together for 18 months. I still care for him and wished we could have worked through our issues. We haven't spoken in over 2 months. I guess I am still pining for him a bit 😒
I'm avoidant. Instead of saying "I need this......" try this: "I really enjoy holding you" or "It feels so good when you call me at night before bed". It doesn't feel like a demand.
When they don’t do it to begin with or ever, you kind of have no choice but to say “it would be really nice if you would…” or “it’s very important to me that…” but even these normal statements are perceived as demanding? So we get breadcrumbs and yet still have to walk on eggshells in the framing of voicing neglect? Those are the kind of expectations that a DA would never accept from a secure or AP, so how is this equal work?
Are you a princess or a King or some kind of God ? You are human and even basic and polite conversation is a threat to you. You people are consciously tryng to exhaust other at their expense just to feel « normal ». This is evil not being « avoidant »
I love your empathy towards every attachment style but especially with DAs. I think the love of my life is a DA and it’s really hard to seek out information to learn and grow and only find negative information or only find information that basically tells you to leave the person. I appreciate all you do!
That's also because Step 1 to consistently making an (unhealed) DA feel loved is this: Literally don't love yourself. Step 2: Abandon yourself. Only when you've mastered these two steps can you move on to the next stage of learning how to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. The final stage is learning to enjoy crumbs of affection and intermittent reinforcement!
@@TofuTeo you know that secure people dump DAs they never stay past the honeymoon stage its only Ap and FAs who try and work it out and fail miserably, the insecure attachments do exactly what you said, i will say that my neighbour is fa hes da they have three kids they both cheat on eachother and see each other once a month and say they are in a relationship, this is what a relationship looks like with these people. 😂😂😂
A lot of people are speaking from hurt with they talk down about DA's. I'm an FA and I'm no peach all the time either. I've walked away from my DA 2 or 3 times because he's not emotional enough and I can't keep my emotions under control. We're total opposites but love each other the same. We're definitely learning each other and accept each other for who we are. I remember one day saying "I'm a mess" and he responded "I love your mess". One clear thing I realized is that he's more loving and open when he feels safe and loved and I'm the same. The only way this type of relationship works is if there's deep feelings on both ends and you learn to speak your mind clearly, not in a rude way. I think so many people end up bitter (I get why) dealing with DA's that they themselves talk to them nasty. As a FA I've blown up and said some harsh and rude things and took off and still had the nerve to solely blame him without taking responsibility. Regardless, he still hasn't given up on me and I to him.
It's extremely exhausting always being the one to reach out and put in the effort of communicating when it's met with a wall or eye rolls or snarky comments. Eventually enough is enough and I don't want to keep expending the energy for nothing. My cup has been empty for so long, there's cobwebs growing in it.
Acknowledge their efforts and give appreciations more often! I wish I had done that. I wish I'd known all this long ago. Mutual interdependent support. Reciprocity. I love knowing its possible people can grow secure with each other if both doing the work.
As a Secure DA, I suggest being direct and stop expecting people to read your mind. Nothing is more toxic than expecting your partner to be a mind reader.
I also have found so much help in these videos! Thank you! I really struggle in my new relationship with a DA. He’s got and cold to a pattern now and the closer we get the worse the distance and ignoring is the next week. I feel so rejected and then he submerses me with love the next week. I don’t know how to respond often because most of the time I’m confused. He says we can find balance after I approached him about it but then cold for days (very minimal communication) I feel like I’m being punished often for caring for someone.
If they are not aware about their problem and not willing to put any work in healing themselves there is only one option: RUN and never look back! Another thing. DA wouldnt leave you if she would have deep feelings for you. If she left you-there was no love. Period
Just dumped for a 2nd time by my DA girlfriend, never again! No matter how good you are to them, they will always find a reason to run! Four years together to have her get mad over something trivial and to say she's been unhappy the whole time. I know that wasn't true but she just wants me to hurt.
Why does it seem like DA's always gets handled with kid gloves on this channel? You tell us to speak to our DA's and clearly express our needs but DA's dint never want to hear it much less open to having any dialog before they run out the door. I'm starting to think that you don't understand the reality of how hard it is to deal with these low-end Narcs and I'm tired if catering to them. Don't walk....run
Agreed. Thank you for speaking up for our beloved DAs. I've noticed the negative comments occasionally on various forums and it's wonderful to be reminded that DAs "just" react differently - they're not jerks. 😉
@@blessADD_DK I agree 100% as a recovering DA now primarily secure I too have observed that a lot and it was Thais’s channel that motivated me to work on myself!
@@roshalllambert - Thais' channel has changed my life! I'm enrolled in the school too... haven't taken a course yet, though. Not sure what my hangup is there, but her channel and webinars are gold!
I’m a FA (leaning anxious), i’m not sure what will happen to our relationship (he’s a DA) tomorrow but i will try my best as I love him. My goal is to not expecting too much about him but growing and working on our traumas so we can overcome our fears and become more secure and happier in life. Thank you so much Thai and PDS team, i have become so much more secure and calm after watching your channel. You are an amazing person and I wish the best for you and the team❤️
I've seen two videos about DAs that's you've put together. Thank you so much, the way you explained everything was so positive, kind and empowering. I'm in a relationship with a DA, and I love him to bits. Abd after watching your videos I definitely feel we'll be able to navigate things better and grow stronger, more secure and safe in our relationship.
The only thing I wonder about is, my DA ex bf knew how to show me love at the beginning of the relationship. It just started to decrease after a while. Im not sure I needed to tell him how to show me love cuz he did know. He just didnt want to anymore.
It decreased because he realized you are just human (what a disappointment), not a magical being who is always perfectly happy and satisfied with everything. In a perfect DA's world, everyone's faces would be frozen in a permanent smile and no one would be able to speak.
I find being a DA very confusing. I've just come out of a narcissistic relationship that lasted 12 years. I stayed because I thought I was running away again. I was bought up amazing parents, but never told that they loved me or cuddled. I've suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past. I was physically abused by care givers growing up (not my parents). I want to love and be loved, but it scares the living daylights out of me and that's what people don't understand. Time on my own is a must and as my sister says i'm a free spirit.
Is it common for DAs to date/marry narcissistic and borderline/cluster Bs? To be with self-absorbed people who just take advantage of them? while the DA "likes" the lack of vulnerability from both sides and the attention not being on themselves? Repeating their childhood abuse?
That is fine…… but what you just said you need to tell the person you are dating. The last DA I dated did not explain what he was feeling and how/what terrified him or what he needed. He was rude and hurtful and secretive suddenly when I asked him to respond to me so I know what is going on…. Instead of ignoring me and looking at me with an expression of contempt and disgust…and I was so offended and hurt, I decided the secrecy and mean comments were enough now. I have to end it. And he was surprised. We care about you DAs but we get treated with disdain for caring and worrying…. He was clearly depressed, we just started dating a month before his mother died, and I tried my best to be there, took care of his apartment while he went out of the country for a funeral…. He came back, I cleaned the apt and bought him groceries, took care of his cat while working 60 hr weeks and in my masters & clinicals. Everything was okay… he was still grieving and upset, but we were doing fine. Then he suddenly got secretive, after a wonderful night together, because I asked when is his birthday… he lied about it, then he started to be quiet and didn’t respond for a day and I just asked him to just keep in touch and let me know what is going on, and he laughed that I asked, and made mean comments, and came off the phone abruptly……… In the moment, I felt like a fool for thinking he cares about me.
My DA is loving our stability stage or commitment stage i feel lost as to which one it is, but i know he is lllllloving it!❤️❤️😊😊 He hated our power struggle stage. He is quite secure now, and my AP tendencies have dwindled down to pretty much nothing with him! I actually feel the Most safe with him emotionally now, isn’t that something? 👀🧐🤔 P.s. every time I felt super duper hurt reactions to his actions or lack thereof and i felt like ending it, I subconsciously gravitated towards these vids on him for some reason! 👀🧐🤔 At one point I regretted meeting him and was pissed! Now I am soo happy that I met him (like in the beginning)! 😊😊❤️❤️🤩🤩
Thanks for sharing! I'm in the power struggle stage now with a DA and I am FA. It is brutal sometimes! But it's showing me that his connection to me is more real as he definitely wants to run sometimes and I'd let him. But he told me that his inner-dialouge when he's mad is, "Why I'm I dealing with this when she makes me so mad!" And his anwser is that he loves me. We're in couples therapy now so I have high hopes!
@@TiffanyNicholeCatley yeah I asked him for more consistency and he gave me more consistency, plus some bonuses; deeper emotional bonding, connecting, he became emotionally available again as he was in the beginning (but even more so), also vulnerability. I read that a private man like him is Only vulnerable when he loves you, plus some other stuff!
I feel you! DAs are really loving, tender on the inside. Being an AP, I used to get really stressed until I noticed the patterns & needs of the two of us and finding a middle ground is actually the key. For us APs, DA pulling away and distancing seems so personal- I think the key is to realize it’s something that makes them feel safe. There isn’t a single time where I’ve gently communicated my needs and he has backed off. Effective Communication is the key! 💝
I have seen a post somewhere on instagram about dismissive avoidants saying that pattern recognition is their superpower. Being dismissive avoidant myself i can confirm that it’s true. I pick up on patterns almost effortlessly, but im also highly sensitive and i know that hsp’s also have ability to read people and situations and see little details, and read between the lines. Could it be that growing up in unsafe and unpredictable environment person develops ability to read situations and people out of fear and basic survival instinct? Any thoughts on this? I can definitely confirm about pattern recognition, i trade stocks and it shows and helps enormously. Also i can say that i was growing up with alcoholic parent who definitely didn’t make us feel safe and calm all trough my childhood. So im just trying to connect the dots. Thanks.
@@Make1984FictionAgain thanks for replies , so you think hypervigilance, developing fearful avoidant attachment style and developing strong ability to recognise patterns are all connected?
Most Dismissive Avoidants I know are MBTI 'T' (Thinker) types, pattern recognition is amongst their fortes. Speaking in generalities: Hypervigilance is a key trait of a Fearful Avoidant which may never die even when the FA is healed. DA's seem less aware of patterns emotionally and socially, but much more so environmentally and also do often read people quite well, bus less so their intentions. When it comes to safety/security they are excellent at reading a room or environment way, way ahead of time. It's like a sixth sense where, at least the ones I know, are aware of what is going on with everyone at what moment. FA's can do this moreso in an unspoken social dynamic type of way and have excellent memory retention for those dynamics. APs also have fantastic memories, especially for social situations which involved them at one point. Absolutely, I would attribute all of this to early childhood development, cultivating a sense of safety one way or another. It's worth nothing that highly sensitive and hypersensitive are different things and possess very different triggers and thresholds. I'm an HSP - am often drained by maintaining the status quo, struggle w boundaries and feel a LOT, have a lot of emotions and sensitivities but rarely personalize those of others. Hypersensitivity personalizes a lot and can stay very high energy, depending. One could have both as well.
As a Fearful Avoidant, I am also an HSP and pick up on patterns also, however, sometimes we assume prior patterns doom a current situation. These are not the same people as our unsafe, unpredictable parents. So…… it can be good, but it causes us to overreact when we think we are seeing what we grew up with. Hypervigilance.
Thank you Thais, in a couple of months I will follow this video to repair the deep connection I, (AP) and my ex gf (DA) had. We aren't going to get back together again, but I do want to repair the rift between us so we will both be whole. Intimate connections are rare and should be cherished.
after watching several of the vids.. I remain unlear on how this attachment style fits within introversion/extroversion.. I hear some characteristics of an introverted person .. and my research ( u guessed it I am an introverted thinker-MBTI) readings indicate that extroverts and introverts have different brains.. Introverts have thicker frontal cortex and higher sensitivity to dopamine and acetylcholine ... and need less stimulation or conversely are more easily overstimulated and recharge by withdrawing and quiet space...so do I conclude that I have an avoidant style.. yup.. am I an introvert also yup ....how does one sort the introversion from the avoidant pattern ?? ... i conclude that my upbringing made my introverted weaknesses more prominent ( social/emotional) and my natural strengths untrusted (creative thinking, unique pattern recognition ) ... my role models were not very good at demonstrating healthy relationship skills to say the least...so many things just go over my head ....
Absolutely right!!! My DA side rubbed AP girlfriend the wrong way and vice versa and we broke up needlessly due to BOTH of us being poor communicators!!! I learned the hard way that people aren't mindreaders.
I was going to write out something longer, but seeing how much people talk down on DA's as if theyre not human and deserving of love just like any other attachment style, is just sad. All im seeing is people projecting their anecdotal experiences they had with a DA, not all are like that, and if some of you approached the DA in your life like how youre commenting under this video, its evident as to why some situations didnt turn out for the best.
We need somewhere to discuss how soul-crushing and heartbreaking it is to love someone and try every therapeutic technique known to man and it still not be good enough, along with every ounce of liquid love within you (with boundaries of course) and no matter how emotionally and intellectually intelligent you are, what tools you bring to the table, what manner you express, a DA who is that down on themself and committed to negativity and self-loathing will never see that you are actually on their side. Even the sweetest touch when he ripped me to shreds with his words and cruelty did nothing for him. He swatted me away and continued to talk down about his true feelings. I would’ve loved him to his core if he had actually trusted me just enough to let me show him I could. DAs hating themselves means venom to the ones who come close. And I think he wasn’t even as severe as some DAs because I did see slivers of who he actually wanted to be and how he wanted to feel safe. 25 years of knowing him, 5 years of friendship, a year and a half and engagement into a relationship, and I still couldn’t break down his wall.
I told my partner this in the beginning of the relationship he's answer was this is me if you don't like I know what I could do told me I was clingy I am Anxious attachment
Yes: This is Making it sound like you are parenting a child. WoW. That’s not how dating suppose to be. Sorry this is noted the stated way of dating a DA even in a friendship with the Dismissive Avoidant attachment.
Everyone commenting here is strictly here to understand a DA in your life… bcuz you love them. You simply don’t come here to say you don’t care lol. Be nice to us, we are the mirror of what you need to heal in yourself 🤷🏽♀️
😌🙏💕 thank you for saying that. You ARE like the dark mirror of what we need to explore about ourselves. "The first step to enlightenment is encounter with the Shadow" -Carl Jung I am understanding my DA is practically non-conversant, bc some part of me was SOOO oppressed/wrecked It could no longer speak... And just giving out frequent kind, caring, expressive, reassuring, or inspiring words out to him-with never any expectation of 'return', is my way of trying to give him what he probably never got as a child-- unconditional love. Well, I didn't get it either, but have healed, and have so much to give!! And to give to him, is like to give to myself, all those things I WISH I had heard/experienced as a child, myself. Thank you for specifically stating how you yourself believe like that you are our 'Mirrors'. This helps to reassure me to keep going, because at times-- it is Tough! But I can keep going if I remember the Big Picture. Hopefully, I can model/mirror to him that the world IS an okay place, there ARE people out there who can care, and not abuse, and that it is OKAY, to Be himself, just as he is, whenever he is, however he is..... And I will be there.🤗💕
@@WhiskyGravy yes… my shaman is doing something similar I believe at times, I’ve got glimpses of my consciousness at times expanding… feels like I come out of a cave. A lot of us think the cave is normal we automatically go back in unconsciously we see nothing wrong… a lot of us were born into the dark…not till someone started planting seeds I started becoming curious… And we see glimpses of light… Of safety but it’s really really hard to come out….. and now that I’ve gained a little awareness and find safety within my BREATHE first…. I can see myself reflected in the other at times and still go back in…. But little by little something happened when that person stayed And kept staying and I kept seeing the mirror to unconditional love did I then take my VERY FIRST BELLY deep deep breathe it felt SO good….I finally felt myself seen…. I saw the reflection in that persons eyes and saw myself…. It takes YEAAARRRSSS after torture…. Horror fear terror…. Unconditional love is the ONLY WAY…I’m sorry you hurt… I know pain…. Forgive they don’t know what they’re doing
@@ariadne6104 Thank you so much for responding! What an apt/profound example that is! Yes! Ho-fellow (former) cave-dwellers! 😅👋 And Congratulations on your progress, and self-expansion... it's like when you finally get *there*, there is more ROOM, to take that deep, expand BREATH! Like, you never even knew you weren't breathing all the way, before! We must sound mad, to anyone who hasn't 'been there' surely....but I think that's why DA's, and some other types too- DON'T share. They fear rejection of people thinking they're 'weird' or 'too messed up', or worse, won't even bother to try to understand... And how to explain to a somewhat "normal" person who has nothing to compare this too? Also why survivors of Wars with PTSD cannot relate to 'normal/unaffected'people when they get back home- so they suffer alone. It is a lonely place, I remember well, and am having to dig back through much of my healing processes, to offer gentle guidance, and unadulterated (by my OWN old demons who still like to interfere!!) love/care to him, without taking it 'personally' (that is when my own demons tell me HE is rejecting/abandoning ME) when he doesn't respond for days. Right now, I must understand that's ALLL he can do!! I still send little encouraging memes, or a simple, but personal private affirmation, to him daily. He needs to know I'm *there*, without feeling "threatened" or "obligated" that I'm there! Tricky! So, to go with your beautiful example-- I guess once you get to where I am (Out of the Cave, and years into the world, and my own healing) our SHEER GRATITUDE for the blessings we have experienced,...at least for me, see-- I want to, and feel capable of-- GOING BACK IN!! To help those still struggling to find anything worth even living for, in that emotionally dark and "void" feeling place, where-' yes, alllll those emotions they DO have but cannot express threaten to drown them, so they run, they fight, they struggle.... but mostly all inside. I feel that. I remember that. No one saw me. Or they didn't care. They just wrote me off as tooo problematic, I reckon. Well? There was an amazing person inside, under all that Pain! I'm glad I found her, and have reconciled OurSelves, and still growing and expanding our sphere of love, graciousness, and gratitude! Because together, we will work to help whomever we can, to find THEIR way out, too... To a brighter future, and more wonderful tomorrows.... But I am careful to NEVER step on his own Self-Sovereignty, nor try to influence or change him. I realize allllll the things he has, and is, are what he NEEDS right now, to keep him safe enough to keep living. For me-- once... that even meant PAIN. It kept me alive, when LOVE seemed never to have existed. So as much as I'd like to, I will not even take that away from him-- but I CAN be there, and be supportive while he goes through it/deals with it, and keep reminding him. There IS A REWARD and BETTER and the end of all this. And gently show him my light, to 'prove it'. I told him we are like Buried Treasures. No. Not everyone will see-' but scars recognize scars, and a (formerly) Buried Treasure recognizes another, too-- and I will go to find, and support the Treasure that he IS ! I hope you continue well, on your Journey, Ariadne. I am very glad to hear you are working with a Shaman, to help guide, and encourage you-- and don't forget, the SHAMAN is a Mirrror of YOU, too!! My Inner Shaman only appeared to me, when I considered going back into the cave, for another friend, years ago. That was a 4 year Journey.....but much was learned, and lives were saved. Amen. Let our stories bring you HOPE, as your message brought to me, and thank you for that-- YOUR Inner Shaman is already shining, lightening the Journey for me and my Friend! Thank you again, and many blessings on Your Path!😊🙏💕
@@ariadne6104 also--heehee, did you realize "ARIADNE" is the Greek Goddess of mazes, and Labyrinths??🤯 (And possibly twisty caves!?😆) Or is that just "coincidence"? (Is there ever Really any 'coincidence'?😉) Peace, Love, Light, and Courage my dear.😊💕
Yes… that name was given to me thru a shamanic healing channeling from my shaman, it’s almost like i had to go experiment with the unknown to be thrown back in from the gods themselves….it’s real. It happened to me i stopped believing in god when i was young cuz i needed to be saved and he never came, now at 36 yrs old i see….i see and receive messages i had to just start being curious about the nature of this world…..only nature is consistent = unconditional love. ONLY.
I told my DA partner he could lean on me more for comfort and support. He turned around and said that I only felt that way because of my past relationship with a clingy man...
Thank you so much, Thais. I've learned so much from your videos. I have a question about a DA: how can you tell after a break-up or a serious disruption in a close relationship if a DA is indifferent or just repressing their feelings? I ended a friendship with my close friend - a DA - and I think it blindsighted him. We didn't contact each other for 3.5 months, but I reached out via email and he initially seemed receptive, but then his email responses went cold almost immediately, and then he didn't reply. This cycle happened twice - warm(ish) for a DA initial reply to my email with seeming desire to engage, but when I responded warmly in kind, and he never replied back. Indifferent or deactivation or something else? We were very close friends, not in a romantic relationship.
The problem is they don't change, they try to do better but these are always little changes. And you have always to talk again about what is wrong,again and again. If I alway have to ask for something,if nothing is spontaneous, I feel devalued.
As a DA I was in a relationship with another DA and that was such a sh!t-show it wasn't even funny 🤦🏼♀️ But it did help me practice asking for things (didn't work) and also asking my DA for their needs (got some success)
@@TonyIgnatova Yaaa sounds like a shit-show haha. Sorry to hear. And the ongoing attraction/abandonment cycle is what makes it all so brutal! You sure you're not fearful avoidant? I mean, you're here, you know yourself, it's just that I do/have done the blocking thing too and feel it's more of an FA thing.
DAs want freedom and "independence" on their own terms. But when you give them all the freedom they want, they start to feel unloved and neglected. Its a lose-lose
How do I get my DA to sit down and talk to me.. I have tried to be kind, compassionate, but has only wanted FWB so I backed off. Now he won’t sit down and talk to me. I have tried to give him positive feedback, but he turns it around and reminds me that we are only friends and I have my life and he has life.. I am at a loss.
Get away, RUN AWAY, DA's are not worth it. We are not here to over exert ourselves with relationships every single day of our existence. We deserve someone who values us for what we are and doesn't treat us like crap
Does having or expressing any emotional need cause them to shut down? If we describe what a need looks like… do they negotiate just trying to do some of it robotically? Is it ever authentic, intuitive, or done out of warmth? What’s in this for the non avoidant partner?
Expressing any need or less than stellar feedback to the DA will cause them to shut down, because, in their mind, it reinforces the wound of inadequacy, of being not enough and defective. They can only handle compliments and positive reinforcement, as a general rule. When the DA begins meeting a partner's need that they have little experience with, I believe it's normal for them to do it mechanically at first. I wouldn't mind it, as it shows effort on their part at least, and most learned habits and behavior have to start out somewhere, usually mechanically, until they are internalized and become a part of life.
In my experience, my needs and even the needs of my children were considered demanding to the DA. Unfortunately, they see us asking do anything as a critique on their character. Mine would say I have a magnifying glass on him. He had no concept of the unconditional love/no record of wrongs I felt towards him. He really turned on me to finally walk away after so many hurtful remarks and behaviors that I couldn’t breathe in the relationship any longer. It really sucks how he projected his inner wounds onto me and made me feel like such a villain when I loved him so dearly.
I’m genuinely trying to figure out if I should reach out or not.. We haven’t spoken in 2 years, and god I wish I knew about this back then.. I was her first boyfriend and unknowingly “smothered” her and just really blame myself for things. I’ve grown a lot and wonder how we would do with me understanding more about HOW to actually be there for her and love her.. Thoughts anyone?
For everyone roasting the DAs: 1) your comments are 1 reason why we are DAs to begin with 2) YOU are not perfect either and need to work on yourself as well 3) this channel is about helping ones self heal and grow 4) if a DA is such a horrible person why did you continue to date them 5) maybe, perhaps, it's YOU that has a problem. You should work on that This isn't junior high folks. Grow up and stop bad mouthing
Or, just accept that the tendencies of DA's tend to cause a lot of harm, hurt, and damage. We date because we love, and want to be loved in return. If my DA had been upfront at the beginning and acknowledged that he had no idea how to be in a relationship that required love and trust, I wouldn't have wasted the time I did on him. He refused to communicate so I was left to guess. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to hear, but in those instances, it is their fault. I worked on myself all along. I never spent more time in therapy than I did when I was with him. He did that much damage. Yes, I was wrong to stay as long as I did. But he needed love and I wanted to give it. Realized too late he would never return it, as I needed it.
I hear what you’re saying and negative comments aren’t great. Constructive feedback about peoples experiences with DAs is their way of sharing their hurt. But for most of your arguments above - we could ask the same. Why, as a DA, would you be in a relationship when you want to be alone most of the time? Bc we’re human. We’re wired for attachment and you can’t help who you love. Though I hear your frustration- it’s not fun being dumped on in the comments if you’re a DA and being demonised.
No way we are the reason when we want to see good in the DA so badly that we stay and continue to break down the wall for months because we genuinely LOVE you! And DAs have wonderful traits which is the whole reason I fell in love with him. He was gentle and easygoing, very intelligent, witty, and considerate about many things! He was observant and intuitive, gave lots of affection, and smelled amazing! Lol. He was my favorite human being. And then the broken pieces he mentioned in the beginning sliced me over and over again until I thought I might faint from confusion or bleed out. I worked tirelessly not just for me, but for him because I never wanted to abandon him. In the end I had to leave because my kids needed their mom in a whole piece to love them. I wasn’t whole when I was the partner of a DA. I loved hard, fought through everything, consoled him, encouraged his solitude, supported his interests, and the whole time he was keeping score while swearing it was I who held the chalk and the tally. It was crushing to say the least.
@Wei Li correction she is married to someone who was a DA. Anyone with any self esteem would not be in a relationship with a DA that is not on the road to secure attachment.
@@Seashellsbytheseashore21 showing up is not enough and that notion is very narcissistic. “My body is present and I might buy something/do a task” is not enough for the amount of emotional manipulation..no matter how unintentional.
Not asking for anything is ok and understandable they seek independence but not asking and reacting about things going on my life like new pet I just posted on Instagram or new places I had been or leaving without telling its really difficult to understand I mean are these traits about seeking independence again or she just not interested ?? may some DA person explain these behaviors ??
DA here. I feel a certain level of emotional disconnection from almost everything in life. There is also a tendency for strong emotions to hit like a bullet train but on a month’s delay. For the pet/travel events that you mentioned, I for example have to force myself to give an emotional reaction beyond just saying “that’s awesome!”. It’s not that DAs don’t care, it’s just that we have been conditioned to keep our feelings to ourselves as children in fear of criticism or rejection; to the point we can’t naturally do it even for positive events anymore unless we force ourselves to do it over and over (where ideally it becomes intuitive again but at worse becomes yet another autopilot response). Worse still I have ADHD; which makes it even more difficult to form habits. It may seem like common sense to automatically be happy for the joy of someone we love, rationally DAs know that. But because of the way we were brought up, it is no longer intuitive for us. A mature DA will communicate with you and tell you that they need space and why; or if they are genuinely uninterested but don’t want to let you down in the long run, they will tell you. A growth-mindset DA will try their best to ask for your needs and reach a compromise, working on their own behaviours. An immature DA will just not talk, distance themselves and let the conflict fester. Ultimately I believe communication is the most important thing. While my parents have changed to be more emotionally supportive as I became an adult, I still struggle to communicate with them instead of hiding everything and holding onto resentment. Though, I have been working on it and it is improving. But I do think it is a misconception that DAs are always a selfish stone wall that never has a chance to grow. Two very prominent traits of DAs are that they are very emotionally independent and they constantly feel misunderstood/inadequate. While it may feel like one is ‘talking to a child’ when trying to give constructive criticism or positive reinforcement, it is literally what DAs need. If everything is harshness and further generalisation, it only results in the DA’s behaviour becoming more extreme and detrimental and nothing will improve. Thus, I believe people who complain endlessly about DAs without communicating with them first should also take some accountability, and specifically tell the DA what they want instead of letting them mind-read. If the DAs don’t try to improve or flake out without a word, then that’s the DA’s problem. But there has to be a good starting point. It doesn’t have to be flowery language all the time, I think there’s nothing wrong with expressing hurt and giving constructive criticism; but it just has to be specific and honest. I also think it’s beneficial for DAs to know that we are DAs, identify our tendencies, and communicate that with our partner. Which is why I’m glad this channel exists to help us identify these traits.
Thais you are very pretty . Can you try a winged Demi lash ti create a more natural look? These lashes are ok but I think they are giving moose antler . It’s hard for me to focus on the videos message when I’m looking at your face the entire video with no other clip inserts.
Click on the ellipsis (three dots...) under the video and then choose "show transcript". It can also be translated into a bunch of different languages.
This is so accurate! Thank you for putting out such useful content 💞 And thank you for standing up for DAs as human beings too! We also have wounds. Felt so seen and cared of just right there! Have a beautiful week!
You're so welcome Heather, and you too!
You may be but you can justify deceiving yourself into believing you tried everything when you give up and ran away. It's a matter of ambition to the relationship at one point and it's messed up to deceive yourself out of that.
I love my DA. Been with him for 3 years. He has a gentle nature and a good heart. So glad this video helped you feel seen, cared for and understood!
I agree. Life is so different for so many people. I am currently seeing a DA early stages and these videos are soooooo accurate and helpful. So grateful to try and understand him more, he’s such a beautiful person. I have hope 🥰
Thank you disco healther.
From a few failed relationships with DA's, I have realized that the DA has two phases: the first one in which you still have the potential to be their "perfect partner" (they have this fantasy of an eternally satisfied partner who never expresses any needs or has any feedback about them or the relationship), and in this phase they also choose to hide their needs and feedback about you - this is the ideal relationship setup for them: a veneer of perfection, if there are needs and concerns, nothing is communicated.
And, a second phase where the DA's partner has expressed a need or given feedback (even if they have done so following Thais's guidelines and nonviolent communication). Now the DA has realized that the relationship is no longer perfect like the fantasy in their mind, and they begin a process of internally devaluing the partner, testing them and registering every shortcoming. Now they feel safe to give feedback to the partner, but this is usually done in a much more hurtful manner, because in their mind they have nothing precious to lose anymore.
Finally, when they are ready to discard the partner, they express all the unmet needs they had kept to themselves during the relationship, usually in the form of "you never do x, y or z" and "I'm not feeling seen/heard/understood" (even though they were never clear about having unmet needs and the partner is not a psychic), and this strategy gives them reasons to terminate the relationship. If prompted to talk about it first and give the partner a chance to do different, the response is usually "I can't do this anymore".
And then off the DA goes, hoping to find their Holy Grail of an eternally satisfied partner in the next person, which never works (because humans are never eternally satisfied), so they amass a string of relationships lasting from a few months to a couple of years, never getting anywhere, because they will only commit to their Holy Grail.
This is why it is hopeless when a DA is not actively seeking healing and growth. If they are not doing anything in the way of personal development, it's better for the partner to cut their losses and leave.
Very true and insightful.
Best strategy with a DA, as soon as you suspect they might be a DA RUN!
So to flush them out as soon as possible in the dating game, voice your needs and some criticism. Got it.
Wow. This is so amazingly put. I Literally experienced my relationship with the da this same exact way.
Why is this the most accurate thing I’ve ever read in my life
Agreed! Somehow I feel like this can be applied to FA too
All they want is harmony, calmness but they can’t give the same to their partner. They only give doubts , confusion and feeling of not being enough.
@Flagirl1985 mine one doesn’t even want to hear my needs😄….
@Flagirl1985 Spot on!!!
@Flagirl1985 ‼️‼️‼️‼️
Like Thais said, we all have wounds we're working on. And you're not describing all DAs. Maybe it's just yours
So twue 👍
They create the drama they seek to avoid. And on top of it, project it on us!
I'm dealing with this myself. FA avoidant here.
I find a lot of times he says just the opposite of what he really wants.
Is this familiar to others?
Who wants to go through all of this to be with someone that acts like a blocked off wall? I give up.
What happened with you since you gave up the relationship? Are you happier?
If a DA is not in therapy working on him- or herself, your best strategy is to cut and run, or expect nothing more than their version of “friendship.” They will never contact you first. They will forget dates, when you’re already dressed and ready to go. They will ghost on travel plans, even if you’ve already laid out money. They never ask how you’re doing when they know you are sick or grieving. They will ask questions that tap your vulnerability but completely ignore any you ask them, or become very irritated and obviously in emotional pain as they struggle to answer. They will claim they’ve been to therapy and we’re the best in their “group” and even ended up becoming group leader. Whatever that means. They can have nerdy, unemotional conversations from a distance. Can’t accept love. Will claim their childhood was perfect, their mothers are always the best, and no trauma impacted them when their fathers (often) just up and leave. They have also usually left their marriage or been run off and then struggle to develop relationships with their adult children, whom you are unlikely to meet. They prefer not to be in the same room with you, so prepare to meet their need for space and make sure you have lots of friends to meet your emotional and social needs, because you are going to need them. God, I could write a book.
haha we could both talk for hours about this, so well said
1. When communicating a need to DA partner, be very clear, specific and direct about what that need is. They likely have not had emotional modelling, and being specific gives them direction and empowers the DA.
2. Rather than criticising, try to express your need to the DA as a positive. Have a kind and gentle manner.
3. Appreciate and acknowledge what the DA does, this positively reinforces them and builds self-efficacy in the relationship.
4. Try to simplify things to empower the DA.
5. Be able to have a sense of lightness in the relationship - laugh, allow space, set boundaries that benefit both partners, make them feel understood
Thanks for the summary Hannah :)
Thank you!
6. Ask yourself: Is the DA willing to accommodate your weaknesses as much as you're willing to accommodate theirs?
@@TofuTeo Good question. What do you mean?
@@lifecoachingtoronto EW
I like how Thais highlighted that this only works if both people are willing to put in the work. Good job Thais :)
Thanks Giovanni :)
Yes if the DA gets what they want and the FA bows with a smile. These are take and take people, as imbalanced as you will ever experience.
@@justint.kennerly5780 not helpful
Dating a DA is similar to parenting a child. Everything is internalized, you have to be OK with giving up your needs and accepting less, despite the hyper independence constant assurance is required. Think of it as a high maintenance car, constant car with disproportionate reward.
power within the relationship is extremely difficult because DAs set the boundaries and move them, double standards are the norm, traits of narcissism, disassociation between the self concept and their actual lifestyle choices, forms of deception in communication as well are to be expected.
Mutuality and reciprocity is present only when it meets the DAs needs with few exceptions. DAs keep score and communication is difficult because the interpretation of your style is perceived through a lens of defensive mechanisms.
It’s so much work and it requires usually an anxious preoccupied who is willing to give up a lot of their own needs to have connection. Always chasing but rarely arriving. Add any other considerations like trauma and it’s like climbing Everest.
It can be baffling because many DAs come off in the dating and honeymoon phase as very open, successful, hyper sexual, and secure. But they are a well of repressed emotions and dating,honeymoon is easy to navigate.
Rejection is terrifying, eating alone is terrifying, being alone is more scary than staying in a troubled relationship until the DA reaches the point of no return then you are off to bread crumbing, deactivation, and withdrawal. All power moves to protect the vulnerability.
Many attributes of the DA are similar to an alcoholic absent the substance addiction. You will find yourself apologizing a lot for expressing your needs, the DA being offended even if you do it well, and then you’re at a disadvantage because the issue remains unaddressed and nothing really changes.
On the other hand DAs can be extremely attentive when their need is validation and they are avoiding daily lifestyle activities like work, kids, loneliness and other routines that don’t meet the need for attention and reinforcement. Especially older females.l (40+)
Avoidance is everything and conflict will be managed easily at times on the DAs part until they no longer feel safe and you no longer meet their concept. This splitting behavior will translate into more deactivation strategies.
This is beautifully articulate and reflective
Thank you to all of you who replied. I’m glad you found some validation in your experience.
When we describe behaviors of a DA they are really symptoms of the larger issue. I would suggest the following: DAs remind me cluster B diagnosis if you consider personality disorders as a spectrum. Borderline being the main kicker. Remember it’s a spectrum so stay away from the stigma attached to what most case studies would refer to as an individual who is chaotic, hysterical, or unable to achieve functionality.
A spectrum means there are two extremes and most fall in the grey area.
1) abandonment issues are in hand with rejection. Hence the need for validation and the fear driven behaviors of self protection
2) splitting - explosive anger that is inappropriate due to the offense - think of an average text or an expression of a need by a partner that is replied to with condemnation and resentment
3) disassociation - someone who believes they model integrity, honesty, positive thinking, yet navigates their lives through deception (answering questions with questions, significant passive aggressive behaviors, no responsibility for their actions, neglecting work/parenting/or other priorities in their lives
Social isolation - difficulty with social relationships or a pattern of limited socialization groups all of which are non judge mental and only supportive) and there’s always a villain they lay blame on.
4) disconnection from emotions - this can show up in sex meaning difficulty achieving orgasm or self pleasure or an almost out of body experience - submissive but not to an extreme as DAs use sex a superficial vehicle for intimacy
5) presentation - look at DAs profile pictures on media, they often reflect whatever mood they are currently in - maybe dark if deactivating, overtly sexual, or seeking attention grabbing and often filtered, or of a time that was long ago but always attention seeking. This will be contrary to in person presentation or how they want to be known.
6) unstable self image - the above behaviors relate to an overall unstable self image. This may include some shame but traits of narcissism over ride that usually. This presents as exaggerated sense of self “I’m pretty great” and a hierarchy view of others, grandiosity, using accomplishments or interests as a way to self promote ie media, learning, but never really committing to a cause long term
7) high risk behaviors - this includes sex mostly or neglecting work and parenting for prioritizing relationships. All in when relationships begin, fast tracking love. This can also be considered as risk taking despite claims of being prudent or picky about partners. It’s a form of self harm associated with the unstable self image
The hyper control and avoidance are the overwhelming traits but overall, the DAs biggest deception is to themselves as self delusion is their greatest and most successful trait
Be empathetic, it’s a miserable existence
@Flagirl1985 That’s an excellent insight. Yes the subconscious drives and unmet needs for connection as well as acting out the dysfunctional dynamics of our parent child relationships from our youth in our adult relationships often leads to disastrous results. The choice to stay in a one sided relationship is a choice. So the responsibility is on the AA to leave.
However given the manipulative tendencies of the DA toward themselves and their partners, it is a hard road unless your boundaries are clear.
Binging is a big attribute of the DA, binging relationships is one form, binging deactivation activities another. Always extremes like a high wire act.
We can be understanding of both parties to a point. AA tend to be analytical and often believe they can reconcile the situation. Mostly due to another form of denial. Until it becomes so absurd there really isn’t another option.
@Flagirl1985 I agree entirely. I’m interested in your experience or story. Care to chat?
Yes. And people DO want to meet the needs of their loved ones when they are clear! Transparency in communication can be so helpful!
I agree, bit that is too much common sense for many people
If you look up the dictionary definition of "love" I bet you it doesn't say "giving physical affection" or anything specific. So for someone to know what you mean by "give more love" without being specific involves an element of mind-reading and divination. It's just laziness of communication on that person's part. People are not all the same when it comes how they expect to receive love. It's so unfair to expect the other person to know how you specifically want that fulfilled when you don't tell them (not YOU specifically but the person described in the video lol).
I appreciate this however being a therapist for your partner for me is a non-starter
I did express my needs, clearly, with my DA ex....nope...no emotional support for you! They're so horrendously hard to be with. Not worth the crumbs you get in return
Make sure you express in a way that is not going to make them feel criticism. Also be aware they may be up front and say they cannot offer what you seek.
It's honestly true
Mainly because they deceived themselves out of making an effort. That's what makes it all the more irritating. They actually think they did everything they could lol
Omg, that is so true! They literally think stonewalling or running away or even listening without contribution is such amazing support to the relationship ☹️ Like we should be thankful when they don’t break up with us but just sit there like we’re talking to a wall. It’s so mind-blowingly confusing and hurtful when that same person tells you that you are an incredible person whom they love with all of their heart. You end up just wanting them to stop saying that crap because it feels like empty words.
He wants all my warmth but pays for it with all his coldness
Don't criticize them harshly. Make positive suggestions. Appreciate them. Give them compliments. Make them feel safe, comfortable, secure, and give them space when they need it.
….and be ok with them not reciprocating any of this back 😞
You did all of this and you have nothing in return…
And then you make that one, small mistake and they back off leaving you hurt :P
hahah good one, made me laugh
Thank you so much for these videos and for standing up for us. We're not evil, just terribly emotionally traumatized and broken. We all are trying to overcome something. Have mercy people, geez! We deserve love just like everyone else 😢
3 years with a DA. I’m an AA, so it’s super exhausting, but learning about DA traits, needs and places for improvement has helped me a lot. Things would go smoother if he wanted to also learn and go to the therapy, but he seems to be uninterested in doing the inner work on his own, we’ve done some couples therapy. But what seems to work the most is just being super super patient, it takes so much understanding, many times putting their needs over yours for a while because once they feel energized and safe, he gladly hears to what I need and tries his best. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with all my feelings and I feel lonely but inner work with my therapist has helped a lot. So my advice; get therapy, learn about yourself and your partner and be very lenient and understanding.
The DA I was close with Wanted to meet needs and was willing to put in effort in some areas. The emotional vulnerability seems like the big challenge.
Learning how to rephrase things to sound less critical feels so valuable. And the DA I shared time with, virgo, is pretty critical of me and others. I just wasn't aware before that they feel defective. They thought I was critical when I am perceptive about things they were clueless about and trying to caution them.
Any update?
DAs deserve more respect and understanding. After doing the work and getting a better understanding of what my DA ex was going through. And thanks to you and these videos we are closer now than we ever were before. Please if you have a DA partner watch the videos here and give them time and be patient. And you will see what amazing people they really are.
I think so too! I think I lean as a DA and it just takes me longer to get close to ppl but the ppl that stay around are always glad they stayed and end up loving me! I’m working on it though.
That’s so great! ♥️♥️♥️☺️ Love this!
I am not perfect and neither was my ex who was a DA or at least showed these traits. I could see how he could be an excellent partner. He was giving until he wasn't. I left the relationship because I could see his wall wasn't coming down even though we had been together for 18 months. I still care for him and wished we could have worked through our issues. We haven't spoken in over 2 months. I guess I am still pining for him a bit 😒
"He was giving until he wasn't. "
Yes, that really sums it up, doesn't it?
I'm avoidant. Instead of saying "I need this......" try this: "I really enjoy holding you" or "It feels so good when you call me at night before bed". It doesn't feel like a demand.
When they don’t do it to begin with or ever, you kind of have no choice but to say “it would be really nice if you would…” or “it’s very important to me that…” but even these normal statements are perceived as demanding? So we get breadcrumbs and yet still have to walk on eggshells in the framing of voicing neglect? Those are the kind of expectations that a DA would never accept from a secure or AP, so how is this equal work?
Are you a princess or a King or some kind of God ? You are human and even basic and polite conversation is a threat to you. You people are consciously tryng to exhaust other at their expense just to feel « normal ». This is evil not being « avoidant »
They seek anxious to please them and boost their ego .
Same as narcissistic seek victims
I love your empathy towards every attachment style but especially with DAs. I think the love of my life is a DA and it’s really hard to seek out information to learn and grow and only find negative information or only find information that basically tells you to leave the person. I appreciate all you do!
Thats because 1 percent change. X
That's also because Step 1 to consistently making an (unhealed) DA feel loved is this: Literally don't love yourself. Step 2: Abandon yourself.
Only when you've mastered these two steps can you move on to the next stage of learning how to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. The final stage is learning to enjoy crumbs of affection and intermittent reinforcement!
@@TofuTeo thats is so true and funny. Xx
@@TofuTeo you know that secure people dump DAs they never stay past the honeymoon stage its only Ap and FAs who try and work it out and fail miserably, the insecure attachments do exactly what you said, i will say that my neighbour is fa hes da they have three kids they both cheat on eachother and see each other once a month and say they are in a relationship, this is what a relationship looks like with these people. 😂😂😂
A lot of people are speaking from hurt with they talk down about DA's. I'm an FA and I'm no peach all the time either. I've walked away from my DA 2 or 3 times because he's not emotional enough and I can't keep my emotions under control. We're total opposites but love each other the same. We're definitely learning each other and accept each other for who we are. I remember one day saying "I'm a mess" and he responded "I love your mess". One clear thing I realized is that he's more loving and open when he feels safe and loved and I'm the same. The only way this type of relationship works is if there's deep feelings on both ends and you learn to speak your mind clearly, not in a rude way. I think so many people end up bitter (I get why) dealing with DA's that they themselves talk to them nasty. As a FA I've blown up and said some harsh and rude things and took off and still had the nerve to solely blame him without taking responsibility. Regardless, he still hasn't given up on me and I to him.
It's extremely exhausting always being the one to reach out and put in the effort of communicating when it's met with a wall or eye rolls or snarky comments. Eventually enough is enough and I don't want to keep expending the energy for nothing. My cup has been empty for so long, there's cobwebs growing in it.
Acknowledge their efforts and give appreciations more often! I wish I had done that. I wish I'd known all this long ago. Mutual interdependent support. Reciprocity. I love knowing its possible people can grow secure with each other if both doing the work.
As a Secure DA, I suggest being direct and stop expecting people to read your mind. Nothing is more toxic than expecting your partner to be a mind reader.
I think that a lot of this is how we ought to treat all our relationships. 🙂
As an adhder I would really appreciate bullet points on the screen for each point you mention, it would really help me keep track
I also have found so much help in these videos! Thank you!
I really struggle in my new relationship with a DA. He’s got and cold to a pattern now and the closer we get the worse the distance and ignoring is the next week. I feel so rejected and then he submerses me with love the next week. I don’t know how to respond often because most of the time I’m confused. He says we can find balance after I approached him about it but then cold for days (very minimal communication) I feel like I’m being punished often for caring for someone.
DAs should be banned by law from dating non DAs.
If they are not aware about their problem and not willing to put any work in healing themselves there is only one option: RUN and never look back! Another thing. DA wouldnt leave you if she would have deep feelings for you. If she left you-there was no love. Period
Just dumped for a 2nd time by my DA girlfriend, never again! No matter how good you are to them, they will always find a reason to run! Four years together to have her get mad over something trivial and to say she's been unhappy the whole time. I know that wasn't true but she just wants me to hurt.
Don't go back to her. It is draining being with a DA. Good luck.❤
Sorry to hear this Indiana 🙏
Why does it seem like DA's always gets handled with kid gloves on this channel? You tell us to speak to our DA's and clearly express our needs but DA's dint never want to hear it much less open to having any dialog before they run out the door. I'm starting to think that you don't understand the reality of how hard it is to deal with these low-end Narcs and I'm tired if catering to them. Don't walk....run
Amazing tips!! and thanks for ur kind words towards DAs as always!
Agreed. Thank you for speaking up for our beloved DAs. I've noticed the negative comments occasionally on various forums and it's wonderful to be reminded that DAs "just" react differently - they're not jerks. 😉
@@blessADD_DK I agree 100% as a recovering DA now primarily secure I too have observed that a lot and it was Thais’s channel that motivated me to work on myself!
@@roshalllambert - Thais' channel has changed my life! I'm enrolled in the school too... haven't taken a course yet, though. Not sure what my hangup is there, but her channel and webinars are gold!
Always!
Oh wow, thank you so much for the kind words Deb
DA's don't give back.....DA should stand for DON'T ASK....cause you ain't getting it
I never want to be with someone that i have to specifically ask to "give me more love" it should just happen.
I’m a FA (leaning anxious), i’m not sure what will happen to our relationship (he’s a DA) tomorrow but i will try my best as I love him. My goal is to not expecting too much about him but growing and working on our traumas so we can overcome our fears and become more secure and happier in life. Thank you so much Thai and PDS team, i have become so much more secure and calm after watching your channel. You are an amazing person and I wish the best for you and the team❤️
Update Jenny?
❤
Any other DAs have positive or attraction feelings when she talks about communicating to DAs with warmth and no JUDGEMENT?
😍🤣😍
My DA is so self-serving, so frustrating!
Wonderful relationship partners... Really?
I've seen two videos about DAs that's you've put together. Thank you so much, the way you explained everything was so positive, kind and empowering. I'm in a relationship with a DA, and I love him to bits. Abd after watching your videos I definitely feel we'll be able to navigate things better and grow stronger, more secure and safe in our relationship.
Wow. Super accurate. This is amazing stuff to navigate thro relationship with a DA
Thanks for asking to be gentle to DAs in the comments.
The only thing I wonder about is, my DA ex bf knew how to show me love at the beginning of the relationship. It just started to decrease after a while. Im not sure I needed to tell him how to show me love cuz he did know. He just didnt want to anymore.
It decreased because he realized you are just human (what a disappointment), not a magical being who is always perfectly happy and satisfied with everything. In a perfect DA's world, everyone's faces would be frozen in a permanent smile and no one would be able to speak.
I find being a DA very confusing. I've just come out of a narcissistic relationship that lasted 12 years. I stayed because I thought I was running away again. I was bought up amazing parents, but never told that they loved me or cuddled. I've suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past. I was physically abused by care givers growing up (not my parents). I want to love and be loved, but it scares the living daylights out of me and that's what people don't understand. Time on my own is a must and as my sister says i'm a free spirit.
Is it common for DAs to date/marry narcissistic and borderline/cluster Bs? To be with self-absorbed people who just take advantage of them? while the DA "likes" the lack of vulnerability from both sides and the attention not being on themselves? Repeating their childhood abuse?
That is fine…… but what you just said you need to tell the person you are dating. The last DA I dated did not explain what he was feeling and how/what terrified him or what he needed. He was rude and hurtful and secretive suddenly when I asked him to respond to me so I know what is going on…. Instead of ignoring me and looking at me with an expression of contempt and disgust…and I was so offended and hurt, I decided the secrecy and mean comments were enough now. I have to end it. And he was surprised.
We care about you DAs but we get treated with disdain for caring and worrying…. He was clearly depressed, we just started dating a month before his mother died, and I tried my best to be there, took care of his apartment while he went out of the country for a funeral…. He came back, I cleaned the apt and bought him groceries, took care of his cat while working 60 hr weeks and in my masters & clinicals. Everything was okay… he was still grieving and upset, but we were doing fine. Then he suddenly got secretive, after a wonderful night together, because I asked when is his birthday… he lied about it, then he started to be quiet and didn’t respond for a day and I just asked him to just keep in touch and let me know what is going on, and he laughed that I asked, and made mean comments, and came off the phone abruptly………
In the moment, I felt like a fool for thinking he cares about me.
My DA is loving our stability stage or commitment stage i feel lost as to which one it is, but i know he is lllllloving it!❤️❤️😊😊 He hated our power struggle stage. He is quite secure now, and my AP tendencies have dwindled down to pretty much nothing with him! I actually feel the Most safe with him emotionally now, isn’t that something? 👀🧐🤔
P.s. every time I felt super duper hurt reactions to his actions or lack thereof and i felt like ending it, I subconsciously gravitated towards these vids on him for some reason! 👀🧐🤔 At one point I regretted meeting him and was pissed! Now I am soo happy that I met him (like in the beginning)! 😊😊❤️❤️🤩🤩
Thanks for sharing! I'm in the power struggle stage now with a DA and I am FA. It is brutal sometimes! But it's showing me that his connection to me is more real as he definitely wants to run sometimes and I'd let him. But he told me that his inner-dialouge when he's mad is, "Why I'm I dealing with this when she makes me so mad!" And his anwser is that he loves me. We're in couples therapy now so I have high hopes!
@@TiffanyNicholeCatley you're welcome! Yyyyayyyyyy!
@@TiffanyNicholeCatley yeah I asked him for more consistency and he gave me more consistency, plus some bonuses; deeper emotional bonding, connecting, he became emotionally available again as he was in the beginning (but even more so), also vulnerability. I read that a private man like him is Only vulnerable when he loves you, plus some other stuff!
I feel you! DAs are really loving, tender on the inside. Being an AP, I used to get really stressed until I noticed the patterns & needs of the two of us and finding a middle ground is actually the key. For us APs, DA pulling away and distancing seems so personal- I think the key is to realize it’s something that makes them feel safe. There isn’t a single time where I’ve gently communicated my needs and he has backed off. Effective Communication is the key! 💝
@@TiffanyNicholeCatley omg I just noticed you have a hair channel, Nd I just subscribed! 😊
I have seen a post somewhere on instagram about dismissive avoidants saying that pattern recognition is their superpower. Being dismissive avoidant myself i can confirm that it’s true. I pick up on patterns almost effortlessly, but im also highly sensitive and i know that hsp’s also have ability to read people and situations and see little details, and read between the lines.
Could it be that growing up in unsafe and unpredictable environment person develops ability to read situations and people out of fear and basic survival instinct?
Any thoughts on this?
I can definitely confirm about pattern recognition, i trade stocks and it shows and helps enormously.
Also i can say that i was growing up with alcoholic parent who definitely didn’t make us feel safe and calm all trough my childhood.
So im just trying to connect the dots.
Thanks.
Probably see the patterns in your parents behaviors and that translates
100%-- growing up in an unsafe and unpredictable environment makes you develop that, it's called hypervigilance.
@@Make1984FictionAgain thanks for replies , so you think hypervigilance, developing fearful avoidant attachment style and developing strong ability to recognise patterns are all connected?
Most Dismissive Avoidants I know are MBTI 'T' (Thinker) types, pattern recognition is amongst their fortes.
Speaking in generalities: Hypervigilance is a key trait of a Fearful Avoidant which may never die even when the FA is healed. DA's seem less aware of patterns emotionally and socially, but much more so environmentally and also do often read people quite well, bus less so their intentions. When it comes to safety/security they are excellent at reading a room or environment way, way ahead of time. It's like a sixth sense where, at least the ones I know, are aware of what is going on with everyone at what moment. FA's can do this moreso in an unspoken social dynamic type of way and have excellent memory retention for those dynamics. APs also have fantastic memories, especially for social situations which involved them at one point. Absolutely, I would attribute all of this to early childhood development, cultivating a sense of safety one way or another.
It's worth nothing that highly sensitive and hypersensitive are different things and possess very different triggers and thresholds. I'm an HSP - am often drained by maintaining the status quo, struggle w boundaries and feel a LOT, have a lot of emotions and sensitivities but rarely personalize those of others. Hypersensitivity personalizes a lot and can stay very high energy, depending. One could have both as well.
As a Fearful Avoidant, I am also an HSP and pick up on patterns also, however, sometimes we assume prior patterns doom a current situation. These are not the same people as our unsafe, unpredictable parents. So…… it can be good, but it causes us to overreact when we think we are seeing what we grew up with. Hypervigilance.
Thank you Thais, in a couple of months I will follow this video to repair the deep connection I, (AP) and my ex gf (DA) had. We aren't going to get back together again, but I do want to repair the rift between us so we will both be whole. Intimate connections are rare and should be cherished.
after watching several of the vids.. I remain unlear on how this attachment style fits within introversion/extroversion.. I hear some characteristics of an introverted person .. and my research ( u guessed it I am an introverted thinker-MBTI) readings indicate that extroverts and introverts have different brains.. Introverts have thicker frontal cortex and higher sensitivity to dopamine and acetylcholine ... and need less stimulation or conversely are more easily overstimulated and recharge by withdrawing and quiet space...so do I conclude that I have an avoidant style.. yup.. am I an introvert also yup ....how does one sort the introversion from the avoidant pattern ?? ... i conclude that my upbringing made my introverted weaknesses more prominent ( social/emotional) and my natural strengths untrusted (creative thinking, unique pattern recognition ) ... my role models were not very good at demonstrating healthy relationship skills to say the least...so many things just go over my head ....
After 9 months, my brain hurts, its alot of work, not sure its worth it anymore.
Absolutely right!!! My DA side rubbed AP girlfriend the wrong way and vice versa and we broke up needlessly due to BOTH of us being poor communicators!!! I learned the hard way that people aren't mindreaders.
I was going to write out something longer, but seeing how much people talk down on DA's as if theyre not human and deserving of love just like any other attachment style, is just sad. All im seeing is people projecting their anecdotal experiences they had with a DA, not all are like that, and if some of you approached the DA in your life like how youre commenting under this video, its evident as to why some situations didnt turn out for the best.
We need somewhere to discuss how soul-crushing and heartbreaking it is to love someone and try every therapeutic technique known to man and it still not be good enough, along with every ounce of liquid love within you (with boundaries of course) and no matter how emotionally and intellectually intelligent you are, what tools you bring to the table, what manner you express, a DA who is that down on themself and committed to negativity and self-loathing will never see that you are actually on their side. Even the sweetest touch when he ripped me to shreds with his words and cruelty did nothing for him. He swatted me away and continued to talk down about his true feelings. I would’ve loved him to his core if he had actually trusted me just enough to let me show him I could. DAs hating themselves means venom to the ones who come close. And I think he wasn’t even as severe as some DAs because I did see slivers of who he actually wanted to be and how he wanted to feel safe. 25 years of knowing him, 5 years of friendship, a year and a half and engagement into a relationship, and I still couldn’t break down his wall.
So, basically the Dismissive Avoidant needs a robot companion. Pathetic.
This is beautifully worded Thais 😭
I told my partner this in the beginning of the relationship he's answer was this is me if you don't like I know what I could do told me I was clingy I am Anxious attachment
Yes:
This is Making it sound like you are parenting a child.
WoW.
That’s not how dating suppose to be.
Sorry this is noted the stated way of dating a DA even in a friendship with the Dismissive Avoidant attachment.
Everyone commenting here is strictly here to understand a DA in your life… bcuz you love them. You simply don’t come here to say you don’t care lol. Be nice to us, we are the mirror of what you need to heal in yourself 🤷🏽♀️
😌🙏💕 thank you for saying that. You ARE like the dark mirror of what we need to explore about ourselves.
"The first step to enlightenment is encounter with the Shadow" -Carl Jung
I am understanding my DA is practically non-conversant, bc some part of me was SOOO oppressed/wrecked It could no longer speak...
And just giving out frequent kind, caring, expressive, reassuring, or inspiring words out to him-with never any expectation of 'return', is my way of trying to give him what he probably never got as a child-- unconditional love.
Well, I didn't get it either, but have healed, and have so much to give!! And to give to him, is like to give to myself, all those things I WISH I had heard/experienced as a child, myself.
Thank you for specifically stating how you yourself believe like that you are our 'Mirrors'.
This helps to reassure me to keep going, because at times-- it is Tough!
But I can keep going if I remember the Big Picture.
Hopefully, I can model/mirror to him that the world IS an okay place, there ARE people out there who can care, and not abuse, and that it is OKAY, to Be himself, just as he is, whenever he is, however he is.....
And I will be there.🤗💕
@@WhiskyGravy yes… my shaman is doing something similar I believe at times, I’ve got glimpses of my consciousness at times expanding… feels like I come out of a cave. A lot of us think the cave is normal we automatically go back in unconsciously we see nothing wrong… a lot of us were born into the dark…not till someone started planting seeds I started becoming curious… And we see glimpses of light… Of safety but it’s really really hard to come out….. and now that I’ve gained a little awareness and find safety within my BREATHE first…. I can see myself reflected in the other at times and still go back in…. But little by little something happened when that person stayed And kept staying and I kept seeing the mirror to unconditional love did I then take my VERY FIRST BELLY deep deep breathe it felt SO good….I finally felt myself seen…. I saw the reflection in that persons eyes and saw myself…. It takes YEAAARRRSSS after torture…. Horror fear terror…. Unconditional love is the ONLY WAY…I’m sorry you hurt… I know pain…. Forgive they don’t know what they’re doing
@@ariadne6104 Thank you so much for responding! What an apt/profound example that is! Yes! Ho-fellow (former) cave-dwellers! 😅👋 And Congratulations on your progress, and self-expansion... it's like when you finally get *there*, there is more ROOM, to take that deep, expand BREATH!
Like, you never even knew you weren't breathing all the way, before!
We must sound mad, to anyone who hasn't 'been there' surely....but I think that's why DA's, and some other types too- DON'T share. They fear rejection of people thinking they're 'weird' or 'too messed up', or worse, won't even bother to try to understand...
And how to explain to a somewhat "normal" person who has nothing to compare this too? Also why survivors of Wars with PTSD cannot relate to 'normal/unaffected'people when they get back home- so they suffer alone.
It is a lonely place, I remember well, and am having to dig back through much of my healing processes, to offer gentle guidance, and unadulterated (by my OWN old demons who still like to interfere!!) love/care to him, without taking it 'personally' (that is when my own demons tell me HE is rejecting/abandoning ME) when he doesn't respond for days.
Right now, I must understand that's ALLL he can do!!
I still send little encouraging memes, or a simple, but personal private affirmation, to him daily.
He needs to know I'm *there*, without feeling "threatened" or "obligated" that I'm there! Tricky!
So, to go with your beautiful example-- I guess once you get to where I am (Out of the Cave, and years into the world, and my own healing) our SHEER GRATITUDE for the blessings we have experienced,...at least for me, see-- I want to, and feel capable of-- GOING BACK IN!!
To help those still struggling to find anything worth even living for, in that emotionally dark and "void" feeling place, where-' yes, alllll those emotions they DO have but cannot express threaten to drown them, so they run, they fight, they struggle.... but mostly all inside.
I feel that. I remember that.
No one saw me. Or they didn't care. They just wrote me off as tooo problematic, I reckon.
Well? There was an amazing person inside, under all that Pain!
I'm glad I found her, and have reconciled OurSelves, and still growing and expanding our sphere of love, graciousness, and gratitude! Because together, we will work to help whomever we can, to find THEIR way out, too...
To a brighter future, and more wonderful tomorrows....
But I am careful to NEVER step on his own Self-Sovereignty, nor try to influence or change him.
I realize allllll the things he has, and is, are what he NEEDS right now, to keep him safe enough to keep living. For me-- once... that even meant PAIN. It kept me alive, when LOVE seemed never to have existed. So as much as I'd like to, I will not even take that away from him-- but I CAN be there, and be supportive while he goes through it/deals with it, and keep reminding him. There IS A REWARD and BETTER and the end of all this.
And gently show him my light, to 'prove it'.
I told him we are like Buried Treasures. No. Not everyone will see-' but scars recognize scars, and a (formerly) Buried Treasure recognizes another, too-- and I will go to find, and support the Treasure that he IS !
I hope you continue well, on your Journey, Ariadne. I am very glad to hear you are working with a Shaman, to help guide, and encourage you-- and don't forget, the SHAMAN is a Mirrror of YOU, too!!
My Inner Shaman only appeared to me, when I considered going back into the cave, for another friend, years ago. That was a 4 year Journey.....but much was learned, and lives were saved. Amen.
Let our stories bring you HOPE, as your message brought to me, and thank you for that-- YOUR Inner Shaman is already shining, lightening the Journey for me and my Friend! Thank you again, and many blessings on Your Path!😊🙏💕
@@ariadne6104 also--heehee, did you realize "ARIADNE" is the Greek Goddess of mazes, and Labyrinths??🤯 (And possibly twisty caves!?😆) Or is that just "coincidence"?
(Is there ever Really any 'coincidence'?😉)
Peace, Love, Light, and Courage my dear.😊💕
Yes… that name was given to me thru a shamanic healing channeling from my shaman, it’s almost like i had to go experiment with the unknown to be thrown back in from the gods themselves….it’s real. It happened to me i stopped believing in god when i was young cuz i needed to be saved and he never came, now at 36 yrs old i see….i see and receive messages i had to just start being curious about the nature of this world…..only nature is consistent = unconditional love. ONLY.
I told my DA partner he could lean on me more for comfort and support. He turned around and said that I only felt that way because of my past relationship with a clingy man...
Thank you so much, Thais. I've learned so much from your videos. I have a question about a DA: how can you tell after a break-up or a serious disruption in a close relationship if a DA is indifferent or just repressing their feelings? I ended a friendship with my close friend - a DA - and I think it blindsighted him. We didn't contact each other for 3.5 months, but I reached out via email and he initially seemed receptive, but then his email responses went cold almost immediately, and then he didn't reply. This cycle happened twice - warm(ish) for a DA initial reply to my email with seeming desire to engage, but when I responded warmly in kind, and he never replied back. Indifferent or deactivation or something else? We were very close friends, not in a romantic relationship.
The problem is they don't change, they try to do better but these are always little changes. And you have always to talk again about what is wrong,again and again. If I alway have to ask for something,if nothing is spontaneous, I feel devalued.
As a DA I was in a relationship with another DA and that was such a sh!t-show it wasn't even funny 🤦🏼♀️
But it did help me practice asking for things (didn't work) and also asking my DA for their needs (got some success)
How did it manifest as a shit-show? Just curious.
@@TonyIgnatova Yaaa sounds like a shit-show haha. Sorry to hear. And the ongoing attraction/abandonment cycle is what makes it all so brutal! You sure you're not fearful avoidant? I mean, you're here, you know yourself, it's just that I do/have done the blocking thing too and feel it's more of an FA thing.
@@resueah7257 I see a lot of DA qualities in myself but I may look into FA just to check
Not worth it IMO.
Dissmissive avoidants aren't even worth it after watching all these videos. It's like they're a SMALL step from being narcissists
DAs want freedom and "independence" on their own terms. But when you give them all the freedom they want, they start to feel unloved and neglected. Its a lose-lose
You rock! Such helpful videos. Thank you. Namaste ❤x.
How do I get my DA to sit down and talk to me.. I have tried to be kind, compassionate, but has only wanted FWB so I backed off. Now he won’t sit down and talk to me.
I have tried to give him positive feedback, but he turns it around and reminds me that we are only friends and I have my life and he has life.. I am at a loss.
Get away, RUN AWAY, DA's are not worth it. We are not here to over exert ourselves with relationships every single day of our existence. We deserve someone who values us for what we are and doesn't treat us like crap
Does having or expressing any emotional need cause them to shut down? If we describe what a need looks like… do they negotiate just trying to do some of it robotically? Is it ever authentic, intuitive, or done out of warmth? What’s in this for the non avoidant partner?
Expressing any need or less than stellar feedback to the DA will cause them to shut down, because, in their mind, it reinforces the wound of inadequacy, of being not enough and defective. They can only handle compliments and positive reinforcement, as a general rule.
When the DA begins meeting a partner's need that they have little experience with, I believe it's normal for them to do it mechanically at first. I wouldn't mind it, as it shows effort on their part at least, and most learned habits and behavior have to start out somewhere, usually mechanically, until they are internalized and become a part of life.
In my experience, my needs and even the needs of my children were considered demanding to the DA. Unfortunately, they see us asking do anything as a critique on their character. Mine would say I have a magnifying glass on him. He had no concept of the unconditional love/no record of wrongs I felt towards him. He really turned on me to finally walk away after so many hurtful remarks and behaviors that I couldn’t breathe in the relationship any longer. It really sucks how he projected his inner wounds onto me and made me feel like such a villain when I loved him so dearly.
So basically us DAs are clueless 😆
DA’s “dismiss” when they no longer see a future with someone.
That's not true..they dismiss and come back saying sorry weeks or months after
True… but only IF they see a future w them again. If not, they out
@Thais how can we know if the person is a DA or simply merely a narcissist? Where to draw the line?
When they do the bare minimum to begin with how do you help motivate them to even start putting in effort?
I’m genuinely trying to figure out if I should reach out or not.. We haven’t spoken in 2 years, and god I wish I knew about this back then.. I was her first boyfriend and unknowingly “smothered” her and just really blame myself for things. I’ve grown a lot and wonder how we would do with me understanding more about HOW to actually be there for her and love her.. Thoughts anyone?
Go for it! ❤
Who doesn’t respond well to positive reinforcement???
For everyone roasting the DAs: 1) your comments are 1 reason why we are DAs to begin with
2) YOU are not perfect either and need to work on yourself as well
3) this channel is about helping ones self heal and grow
4) if a DA is such a horrible person why did you continue to date them
5) maybe, perhaps, it's YOU that has a problem. You should work on that
This isn't junior high folks. Grow up and stop bad mouthing
Or, just accept that the tendencies of DA's tend to cause a lot of harm, hurt, and damage. We date because we love, and want to be loved in return. If my DA had been upfront at the beginning and acknowledged that he had no idea how to be in a relationship that required love and trust, I wouldn't have wasted the time I did on him. He refused to communicate so I was left to guess. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to hear, but in those instances, it is their fault. I worked on myself all along. I never spent more time in therapy than I did when I was with him. He did that much damage. Yes, I was wrong to stay as long as I did. But he needed love and I wanted to give it. Realized too late he would never return it, as I needed it.
I hear what you’re saying and negative comments aren’t great. Constructive feedback about peoples experiences with DAs is their way of sharing their hurt.
But for most of your arguments above - we could ask the same. Why, as a DA, would you be in a relationship when you want to be alone most of the time? Bc we’re human. We’re wired for attachment and you can’t help who you love.
Though I hear your frustration- it’s not fun being dumped on in the comments if you’re a DA and being demonised.
No way we are the reason when we want to see good in the DA so badly that we stay and continue to break down the wall for months because we genuinely LOVE you! And DAs have wonderful traits which is the whole reason I fell in love with him. He was gentle and easygoing, very intelligent, witty, and considerate about many things! He was observant and intuitive, gave lots of affection, and smelled amazing! Lol. He was my favorite human being. And then the broken pieces he mentioned in the beginning sliced me over and over again until I thought I might faint from confusion or bleed out. I worked tirelessly not just for me, but for him because I never wanted to abandon him. In the end I had to leave because my kids needed their mom in a whole piece to love them. I wasn’t whole when I was the partner of a DA. I loved hard, fought through everything, consoled him, encouraged his solitude, supported his interests, and the whole time he was keeping score while swearing it was I who held the chalk and the tally. It was crushing to say the least.
@@MSG66 leach
3:33 who is the they you speak of that needs more physical affection, and that's how they give love, the DA or other 2 attachment styles? 👀🧐🤔
@@ZiliaVingis it cuddling and massaging or...?
"But DAs do give back!"
They really really don't, though.
They do their Acts of Service pretty well, and maybe other love languages too if they haven't begun devaluing the partner yet.
They give in their language and in the way they can, there are many ways to say I love you.
They do. Acts of service most often. And by showing up. If they are there, that’s giving back.
@Wei Li correction she is married to someone who was a DA. Anyone with any self esteem would not be in a relationship with a DA that is not on the road to secure attachment.
@@Seashellsbytheseashore21 showing up is not enough and that notion is very narcissistic. “My body is present and I might buy something/do a task” is not enough for the amount of emotional manipulation..no matter how unintentional.
6. Someone else who cares less
What,?
Not asking for anything is ok and understandable they seek independence but not asking and reacting about things going on my life like new pet I just posted on Instagram or new places I had been or leaving without telling its really difficult to understand I mean are these traits about seeking independence again or she just not interested ?? may some DA person explain these behaviors ??
DA here. I feel a certain level of emotional disconnection from almost everything in life. There is also a tendency for strong emotions to hit like a bullet train but on a month’s delay. For the pet/travel events that you mentioned, I for example have to force myself to give an emotional reaction beyond just saying “that’s awesome!”. It’s not that DAs don’t care, it’s just that we have been conditioned to keep our feelings to ourselves as children in fear of criticism or rejection; to the point we can’t naturally do it even for positive events anymore unless we force ourselves to do it over and over (where ideally it becomes intuitive again but at worse becomes yet another autopilot response). Worse still I have ADHD; which makes it even more difficult to form habits. It may seem like common sense to automatically be happy for the joy of someone we love, rationally DAs know that. But because of the way we were brought up, it is no longer intuitive for us.
A mature DA will communicate with you and tell you that they need space and why; or if they are genuinely uninterested but don’t want to let you down in the long run, they will tell you. A growth-mindset DA will try their best to ask for your needs and reach a compromise, working on their own behaviours. An immature DA will just not talk, distance themselves and let the conflict fester.
Ultimately I believe communication is the most important thing. While my parents have changed to be more emotionally supportive as I became an adult, I still struggle to communicate with them instead of hiding everything and holding onto resentment. Though, I have been working on it and it is improving. But I do think it is a misconception that DAs are always a selfish stone wall that never has a chance to grow. Two very prominent traits of DAs are that they are very emotionally independent and they constantly feel misunderstood/inadequate. While it may feel like one is ‘talking to a child’ when trying to give constructive criticism or positive reinforcement, it is literally what DAs need. If everything is harshness and further generalisation, it only results in the DA’s behaviour becoming more extreme and detrimental and nothing will improve.
Thus, I believe people who complain endlessly about DAs without communicating with them first should also take some accountability, and specifically tell the DA what they want instead of letting them mind-read. If the DAs don’t try to improve or flake out without a word, then that’s the DA’s problem. But there has to be a good starting point. It doesn’t have to be flowery language all the time, I think there’s nothing wrong with expressing hurt and giving constructive criticism; but it just has to be specific and honest. I also think it’s beneficial for DAs to know that we are DAs, identify our tendencies, and communicate that with our partner. Which is why I’m glad this channel exists to help us identify these traits.
@@soso3792 Thank you so much for your time and reply its very perceptible
@@alirh1145 You’re welcome! :]
They are narcissist under process
Thais you are very pretty . Can you try a winged Demi lash ti create a more natural look? These lashes are ok but I think they are giving moose antler . It’s hard for me to focus on the videos message when I’m looking at your face the entire video with no other clip inserts.
The heck?
Just listen, then. Perhaps don't watch
Is there a transcript of this? More accessibility please :)
Click on the ellipsis (three dots...) under the video and then choose "show transcript". It can also be translated into a bunch of different languages.
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Please speak slower 🤔🤔🤔🔑