As an autistic who works with kids. It is so evident to me which kids are neurodivergent. You just know. They’re just different. They’ll do things and you’ll be like wait… I DO THAT. And it breaks my heart because some of my coworkers will absolutely HATE these kids. They think they’re difficult and annoying and they “piss them off.” And I have to be like… they’re autistic my guy.
Oof. Those coworkers sound like the grown up versions of the kids who would be the most likely to go out of their way to bully autistic kids for being "cringe."
I know the kind of adult you're talking about, the kind of people who, despite being granted authority and responsibility to solve conflicts, will look the other way or even stomp down on a particular kid just because they don't like them. It's crazy that we allow those kind of people to work with kids, and they're just SO. Many. But I guess it shouldn't surprise me given how common that behavior is amongst adults too.
i just commented this to another person but oh my goodness i have to say this here too. in school i either had teachers that loved me or hated me and it was the worst whiplash. i went from 4th grade with two teachers that adored me and would fawn over me to 5th grade with teachers who despised me and i never could understand it. i remember one 5th grade teacher would treat me with such contempt. i'd go up to ask her a question (as we all did) and she'd literally curl her lip and say "what." in the most impatient tone. i was constantly anxious, wondering what i had done wrong every time she'd treat me like that. come to find out, LOTS of autistic girls have similar experiences. it's so heartbreaking. also i knew several teachers like that as an adult as well. i had a "friend" who'd tell me all these horrific things about one particular boy (he falls asleep in class, he has accidents, etc.) i asked her something like "have you talked to his parents? reported any of this?" and she was like "no lol but i told his dad so hopefully he gets his ass beat for it" like??? just the sheer lack of compassion and outright cruelty is bizarre to me
"piss them off" as if someone's behavior is there to please or displease you- what NARCISSISTS neurotypicals are??????!!!!!!! i'll never understand them
Can we call us the “Lost Girls”, please?! I see it fairly often…something just tugs at my heartstrings when I see little girls who resemble my early years. They get labeled as “sensitive” or “shy”. That feeling that you’re weird or just not of this world….just spending your childhood watching everyone else thrive while you die on the inside…that’s the life of the Lost Girl.
@@EmMakesMusic123 I’m so glad to hear that!!!!!!!!! ❤️ The book is only about 10k words (~30 pages) into the first draft now so it’ll be a while before it’s a Thing. But the book is based on an idea I had for a short story that I might try to publish through my college’s literary magazine (honestly the short story isn’t my best work, which is why it’s getting reworked into a book, but I think it says something interesting that I had to cut from the book and it would be good career-wise to have a publication credit to my name even if it’s an eh short story in a very small undergraduate lit mag). The short story is about wondering what that thing about you is that everyone else can see that makes you different, while the book is kind of that but also more about assimilation politics and the radical action of existing when you’re unwanted? I hate describing my own writing but this thing is burning a hole in my head. Anyway if I do publish the story or the book (eventually eventually) I’ll try to remember to come back here. If not, keep an eye out for semi-YA books about a wild girl and her urban coyote family.
Wish I was diagnosed as 29. Waiting at 63 for a first assessment. Also EDS and POTS. I wanted to dance so bad when I was a kid. Glad now that I didn't, but only because my joints are so painful now without having added the additional stress of having been a dancer. BTW, I love playing with little kids, I'm on the floor doing whatever it is that they're doing.
Yeah but you’re not autistic. Nobody is. Anxious attachment does alone cause adhd or CPTSD. The abuse isnt really bad necessarily but what do I call it? Casual abuse? It cause stress overthinking. Okay dopamine consumption brings to drain peripheral nerves, intense pain from nothing because fewer neurotransmitters take more intense signals. Reverse pins and needles. “Amplified operant conditioning” which operant conditioning needs rules spelled out specifically and given what they did wrong. Non abusively even bf skinner was very strict in the punishment without emotion aka abuse. Emotionally driven punishment is abuse. Causes overthinking to avoid. No rues are explained and extreme pain is caused from the abuse. CPTSD occurs from this. Skills are destroyed from executive dysfunction, neurological entanglement is what makes dysfunction. This then happens further into the other part of the brain, the emotional/instinctive brain. This is real people are simply denying the facts. Anti intellectualism is causing this to increase. Then nobody gives stimunts to help the executive dysfunction and neural entanglement to ever be fixed or prevented. Stimulants are neurological stimulants, neuroprotective. Only dependency occurs when too much neurological entanglement is allowed too long. Neurons may come back but never produce dopamine for regular activity. So stimunt must be used for long term possibly the limits like 60mg adderall per day is too low even. At least for autistic to recover. We have trauma sometimes it’s not even trauma. It happens sometimes one sometimes the other. It should be treated normal. Don’t accept autism because then you have to deal with the crap forever. Get recovery, accept adhd or CPTSD use stimulants amphetamines are straight replacement for dopamine. When taken orally the medication is not perceived as a reward. This method of delivery is used to prevent addiction, that’s why it’s orally taken. Period. Dopamine is necessary for all neurological functions. What’s used instead? Adrenaline. Not good
"These kids are kids, I was like an adult." Yeah, basically. I didn't go to public school until 5th grade and when I heard the other kids reading out loud I thought I had been placed in the disabilities class by mistake. I had not. I was bullied quite a bit in 5th grade and it gave me a crash course on dumbing myself down to avoid attention.
I've never been diagnosed as autistic, but I've always felt older than my years, always felt more comfortable around adults more than kids. Now, that I'm an adult I still don't feel like I connect with people my age. I just see them as bigger kids.
this!!! it also didn't help anything that my mom had this weird attitude towards kids. her own, me, was fine. but other kids were loud, awful, disgusting, disrespectful, etc. she'd roll her eyes and make snarky comments about kids in public with me, a kid, standing right there. it got to the point that growing up i always saw other kids as "others." i was never like them. the things they did, the stuff they were into, it felt like i wasn't allowed to be into those same things or like those same things. i am realizing as an adult, that while bullying is never okay, i am sure there were times i didn't exactly help my case either. i wasn't consciously thinking "i'm better/more mature" than these kids, or consciously wanting to be, but it still was something that was so ingrained into me.
🙋♀...feeling forced to toss out the most precise words that come to mind in favor of less-stuffy-sounding or commonly used ones that don’t accurately or completely reflect what I’m thinking. I often struggle for words in casual conversation, panicking to myself mid-sentence, “What was that dumbed-down equivalent that everybody uses again?!”
This is so confusing but also interesting bc I’m autistic and 15 but im COMPLETELY the opposite, very shy, don’t speak , not good with adults I don’t have a thing im REALLY good at and smart it’s strange how different the spectrum can be
Same, imo I had the worst sense of interoception? Disconnect between brain and body? I remember how I fell asleep absolutely everywhere from being constantly overwhelmed. It started as an infant too my grandma kept telling me how I kept sleeping through whole days, would sleep through diaper rashes to the point it spread all throughout my body, instantly fell asleep after meals and even fell asleep through bathtime. Once she had to shock me with cold water to check I was alive like damn. Didn't help that sugar made me sleepy instead of hyper. There might be that sense of autistic bravery and trust too. Lacking any inhibition, I did what I want and what it was was either sleep, read or minding my own business.
@@umairahfaridfaisal2778sugar doesn't make people hyper. that's a myth. People before used to give sweets to kids and saw that it made them hyper, but that's because they had caffeine in the sweets.
yes it's important to remember that, like what i learned about adhd, it is actually a "Problem Of" rather than a Lack Of or Excessive Amount Of. It's seen as not fitting yourself into certain pace at a certain time, and knowing-magically! what the other kids were doing
A teacher once told my mom that I was an “old kid”, not in a nice way. All because I thought she unfairly graded my test and went to talk to her. She hated that I spoke up. But I was definitely the very adult kid, ultra responsible who didn’t have friends but talked to everyone. I did felt a lot closer to boys, especially the disruptive boys, who I’m sure were undiagnosed ADHD boys who couldn’t stay still. I found them brilliant and so free. By the time I was in high school, I conditioned to feel a lot older because I had already experience all the heart aches, disappointments, friends not being friends, suicidal thoughts, etc, all during puberty. So 14 years old me was like “why are all my classmates depressed now”, like “depression was so 6th grade” Lol
Damn that "depression was so sixth grade" really hit me. I was always told that I was more mature than others so when other people "caught up" I became very confused. And slightly aggressive. In the confused way. I dunno how to say it. Disbelief?
The fact that you brought up autistic girls connecting so well with girls who will probably be gay, make me feel so less crazy. Because I have felt this is a normal case, looking at my friends and my own patterns, but to even say it seems risky. As if it isn't a real thing or crossing an unspoken boundary. It is what it is
I’m queer and neurodivergent, and I think there’s something about knowing that you’re different from other people that draws you to other people who are different too. It doesn’t have to be in the same ways you’re different, but you can just connect with people on some level who also don’t quite fit in, who see the world a little differently. Pretty much all my close friends have ended up being queer/LGBT+ and/or neurodivergent, even when I didn’t know that and they didn’t know that about themselves when we became friends. Whatever little (or big) ways we don’t fit the mold can open up doors for us to better relate to other people who also don’t fit the mold, and understand what it’s like to be different, to be outcast, for most people to not understand you. We’re also all more likely to question the status quo because we’ve been hurt by the status quo. No matter why exactly it happens that we’re drawn to each other, it’s really cool finding solidarity with all kinds of folks who happen to be different, in many unique ways.
As a bisexual woman I noticed a lot of the gay kids and neurodivergent kids do seem to flock together. When I was in high school the only friends of mine who were straight were, looking back, clearly some form of neurodivergent and I think it’s because these groups are types of social outcasts. They are socially in pain and they see eye to eye and feel a deep sense of care for each other and empathy.
This is 100% a thing. There are intersectional studies just on the convergence of neurodivergence and”queerness” - in quotes because being queer isn’t always the same as all forms or LGBTQIA+. An example is Dr. Nick Walker who I interacted with as a student in one of her neurodiversity courses when I was finishing my degree. If you look up “dr. Nick walker intersections on the spectrum podcast” you can find an interview about the subject. It was really eye opening to me, because I wasn’t fully able to grasp that I felt “not normal” in comparison to others in so many ways. Additionally, I attracted neurodivergent and lgbtq people like mad. For context I am someone who identifies as neuroqueer.
I am 31 and just got diagnosed yesterday with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Conversion Disorder, and Dyscalculia. I have been in the mental health system since I was given up for adoption at 3 years old. It's astounding to me that no one ever recognized those things in me and diagnosed me with depression and personality disorders, even Schizophrenia.
The only diagnoses I can tell could be ADHD aka CPTSD, these both can be caused from many factors. Not only abuse not only x, y, or z. Then HPA axis stress dysregulation known as autism, runaway neurological processes, neurological entanglement as atypical pruning and executive dysfunction. Nerves drained intense signals, low transmission rate. Other things neuropathy, eating disorders, etc
@@gabrielM1111 No, I am not being sarcastic. I should have said that I was diagnosed with 14 different mental illnesses over a 30 year period. I was not diagnosed with 14 all at the same time. They couldn't figure me out.
woah the "speaking only in internet quotes i know people have laughed at 25 times already" rly hit me. ive never rly noticed that its actually also a form of not being genuine sometimes
Autistic mum here, with autistic girl twins. This is my childhood, this is their childhood - in a nutshell. Thank you for actually saying it, and it is brilliant, Paige...just brilliant.
Wow, you just described my childhood! The hardest part for me was that point you described when you start realizing you're not welcome in certain groups. One of the impacts for autistic girls that is often underestimated is the trauma that a lack of acceptance can inflict over time. It's not necessarily intentional bullying, it's not anybody's fault, but the slow burn of feeling like you're not accepted by your peers over a long period of time can result in PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Acceptance is a basic human need and I think a lot of autistic girls have a more difficult time meeting this need during their early years than their neurotypical peers might. A lot of autistic girls are quite socially perceptive even if we don't quite reflect expected social behaviors back to other people; that feeling that we're not accepted is supported by evidence everywhere we go, we can see it and it can be incredibly painful. It's not the fault of the autistic kiddo and it's also not the fault of the other kids who seem to be rejecting them, and this complex dynamic can be difficult for anyone that age to understand. Little kids' brains make up reasons why that might be: "there's just something wrong with me", "nobody likes me", "I must just be a bad person," that kind of thing. Kids need help and support from their parents to recognize that it's not happening because there's something wrong with them, and that it's okay to be different. A lot of parents don't know when that kind of support is needed. There is thankfully more and more societal awareness about autistic girls every year, and I'm excited for the next generation who will hopefully be noticed at earlier ages and receive the support they need.
That's so heartbreaking😢. I see it in my best friend's daughter. She's not diagnosed with anything, probably because she has a sister with very high needs and next to her, she looks very normal. However, she is difficult to be friends with. My daughters (who are really probably ADHD like me, possibly one is autistic like their dad) can have fun playing with her, but it's not consistent enough that they look forward to seeing her very often. And it's all very legitimate reasons: she's too rough when they're playing physical games and doesn't notice. She won't stop talking about a sensitive subject even if she's asked. "But why don't you want to talk about it? I like to!" And I don't blame my kids for not excitedly looking forward to spending time with her, but for her part, she LOVES them, especially the older one without autism, and it hurts to see that disconnect between the friendship levels. On the one side, it's "that kid who's kind of like my cousin because our families get together a lot, and usually we have some fun together" and on the other it's "my closest friends". I don't know what to say to my daughters about it. I don't want them to learn to accept mistreatment just because it was unintentional and I don't want to mandate their friends and birthday party lists, but I also want to keep the other girl's feelings safe. I know how sad it is for kids not to be equally important in friendships. My girls are being kind and inclusive, but that's not the same as being besties.
@@er6730 that's a tough position to be in for both sides. I've always wondered whether my friends throughout the years enjoyed hanging out with me but nowdays I have better ways of figuring that out.
Not me at 2 years old responding to my mother’s sarcastic “do you have to jump in EVERY puddle?” with a completely straight-face, “That’s what children do, Mommy. We jump in puddles.” 😂🙈
Now that I understand my autism (still undiagnosed but I'm convinced at this point for numerous reasons; currently I have an ADHD diagnosis), I'm looking at it in context to my life from start to finish. I'm lucky I have VERY solid memories of my childhood, backed up by video, photos and other documentation my parents and I kept through the years. I can best illustrate this through a story: I couldn't wait to start kindergarten. I remember feeling so grown up, like I was finally starting my life (yes, I did have these kinds of thoughts at age 5). But everything was so new, and I hardly knew anyone. At lunchtime I walked into the cafeteria with my magenta Little Mermaid lunchbox (The Little Mermaid was a special interest of mine at the time), having no idea where to sit or whom to sit with. I spotted a girl who looked about my age sitting by herself at a table off to the side -- with the same exact lunchbox as me. I've always been pretty shy and VERY reluctant to initiate conversations, but that was the only signal I needed to approach her. We bonded immediately over our shared special interest in The Little Mermaid and nature (her animal special interest was horses and horseback riding; mine was whales). From then on we were best friends all the way up through high school graduation. It's only now that I look back and realize: The two of us were almost undoubtedly undiagnosed autistic girls who found each other as we NDs so often tend to. I now have a big urge to reach out to her again to reconnect.
I'm hyperlexic too. The part about having adult emotions when still being a child was so true... I felt misplaced most of my life, because I did not get kids my age, and adults, whom I could understand, did not take me seriously. There was a big age difference between myself and my siblings and cousins, they didn't pay any attention to me. So I was an outcast all my life. Now that I am an adult myself, everyone else went to do their own adult things. Relationships feel shallow... I feel like I missed out on most of my life... I managed to find someone I can call close friend and married that person. He's very social and outgoing. The wedding was very embarrassing for me though... He has a big family and many friends, whereas I barely have any... He saw a big difference in the number of people we invited and encouraged me to invite also my cousins, who I didn't plan to invite, since I was not invited on their weddings either. Of course they did not come... I had my parents and sister, uncles and aunts and about five friends with their respective partners. Two tables. Whereas my husband's family and friends sat on the remaining 6 tables, two of which were the size of the two my part of family and friends sat at. It was a happy day for me, but I still felt so embarrassed and sad... Someone whom I considered my best friend at the time, who was supposed to be my maid of honor, refused to come because... she was going on vacation with HER friends. But at that point I was getting used to being betrayed by close ones...
I am an autistic women and I grew up with a more “masculine presentation”(?). Everyone always thought I was endlessly content because I didn’t offer much expression. I didn’t talk much at all until about age 5/6, around this time of finding my voice I had extreme PDA issues. Puberty hit very very early, minimal sexual interest all teenage years. Due to all of this I became obsessed with things and items over people and always had an extreme sense of identity, I actually get frustrated seeing when other people don’t have a sense of self or base their personality off of others. Due to my personal experience with autism, I don’t really agree with this pattern recognition of traits = female autism. I do think there are plenty of factors that can make someone have an autistic looking profile without actually having autism. //side note I did experience drug addiction into adulthood and have EDS & POTS//
You are great. I have a 12 year old autistic grand daughter and you have helped me a lot. I live in New Zealand and am about to meet my granddaughter for the first time. I think humour goes a long way. It is very stressful to decide what to wear.
I hate that in nearly every website they say that autistic symptoms in toddlers/kids are being delayed in speech and reading or regressing in their ability to speak even if they learn it. I am sure it is true for alot of people but not for me. My problem is they never show "the other side". I was properly reading and speaking at age 3 and was talented in everything to do with languages at school. Now that i am finally diagnosed at age 26 i have to put the effort in, to explain to people around me that because i didn't have these specific issues with speech and reading, and just because i was intelligent doesn't mean i am not autistic. Everyone seems to relate autism with mental delays. Why is that? Maybe because those of us who are considered intelligent or were good in speech and reading, would've previously been diagnosed with Aspergers?
One of the marks of classic autism was language delay, and the primary differentiator between AS and classic autism, when they were still separate diagnoses, was that AS involved normal or accelerated language development, though peculiarities in the use of language were noted. Mental delays are a whole separate issue than language delays, but likely reasons that they tend to be associated with autism: 1) If someone is nonverbal, it's difficult to evaluate if that's because they don't have the ability to process language or if it's because they can process language but are having trouble producing it. 2) In cases where unrelated mental disability co-occurs with autism, the person will be less able to figure out coping strategies and will be less able to mask, making diagnosis more likely. 3) For really bad sensory or anxiety issues, the person may be physically quite capable of thinking, but if every thought gets interrupted halfway through, that will cripple mental development.
Oop. This is too real for me right now. It hurts to think about how hard I was always trying to be "good" or to do the things everyone has to do growing up. And how unaware I was that all of my peers were not having the same level of stress and difficulty to do so. I just felt so inadequate. But advocating for myself by asking genuine questions seemed to piss everyone off, leaving me without an answer, feeling stupid and humiliated. So I just stopped. I put my head down, tried my best on my own, faked it when I inevitably missed context & full understanding of a subject or situation, and disassociated (idk if this is the right term) When I was in pain mentally, socially, sexually, physically, or any other state of being that felt unfathomably never-ending and uncomfortable. So much that I think I truly gaslit myself into believing my fake-it. If it was possible to fake your way through life with just ~☆positive thinking and believing in yourself!!☆~, even through undiagnosed adhd, and suspected (I'm 99.9% sure) severe OCD and Autism, I truly believe I could have done it. I don't even know what parts were authentically me and which parts I was faking because I thought I had to for some reason. But I fell apart at every seam I have around 31 years old. Like everything that could go wrong did. And now I'm within weeks of turning 35, and I'm just barely starting to actually find the pieces of myself, let alone start putting them back together. I'm not ashamed to say the online Autism community (specifically the feminine presenting autistic community) I stumbled into last year probably saved me years of suffering and/or my life tbh. I'm not even close to being a successful independent person right now, but I don't feel as hopeless or alone anymore. And it was getting really dark for while there. I have such love, respect, and appreciation to those autistic people who share so much of their struggles and triumphs online. Most of them won't ever know how much they've helped. But I hope they somehow get the posirive karma from it, in a tangible way in their present lives ❤
Hey, just wanted to say I see you and I feel this so hard. I'm 35, I know I'm autistic but I'm not officially diagnosed yet, and I'm so far from independent right now. It drives me up the wall to be dependent on a spouse who doesn't understand my struggles. I decided to be a stay at home mom until our daughter was in school, which was wonderful and all but that was 5 years of me not progressing as a person because my world was our house and this tiny human who didn't know how to human yet and I kind of forgot how to human. I've figured out that I'm autistic and I'm working on understanding myself. I went back to school when my daughter started school, and now in a year I'll have my credentials and be trying to put myself back out there in the adult working world but with the awareness that I'm autistic. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm slightly terrified 😅
❤ hi 👋 this comment is so beautifully put. OMG there’s so many things so many many things and the older you get before figuring it out the bigger the pile is. it’s not surprising we break, what is surprising is that it took so long. I’m 61, and two years ago I broke so hard physically that I was convinced it was long Covid… anyway, great comment. Thank you 🌸 for that.
I'm about to turn 29, things started falling apart for me age ~23 and _really_ imploded in different ways 2-4 years ago... getting an adhd diagnosis a bit over 3 years ago helped a *lot* with learning about myself and my brain, but it's been a process and I totally feel you on feeling like you're only just at the point of figuring yourself out and putting you back together... I've figured out certain things but it literally was the other day where some things just started to click and I realised that I haven't been able to pick up the pieces properly yet, but recognising how much like myself I feel since I stopped masking much in the past year or so and I've been embracing what I actually like and want to do, and have been able to make friends easier than... ever? in some ways it seems, and have some friends who adore me as much as I adore them... was a sudden feeling of "oh, people _do_ like me, for who I really am, I just didn't feel able to show them for the longest time and allowed people to dull my shine... I think I can do this, I think I can get my life on track so I can have the type of life I want"... I've been holding onto an idea of myself before I even suspected I was neurodivergent at all, one that was still trying so hard to fit a mould that other people wanted me to be... and because birthdays do make me reflective I was feeling bad I haven't "achieved as much" as other people, that I've not met certain life goals... but something just shifted internally to where I _really_ understood that of course I've been struggling and feeling stagnant while others have been getting on with things... I've literally had to unlearn who I thought I was, and just let myself be to process who I _am_ and only now that I feel like I've figured out who I'm not, can I begin to see the pieces and put myself back together. I had an intuition that I kinda needed to "destroy" myself to put myself back together, which really meant I needed to take myself apart and find what doesn't belong there, why certain relationships and life plans didn't work out because of things that weren't me being lodged deep inside my mind (and what things those relationships had left there 🥲). It's a really weird and profound feeling, but we've both got this 🥰
thank you for mentioning POTS in this!!! I got diagnosed at 11 but no one ever mentioned that it's comorbid with autism, didn't figure out I'm autistic too until 10 years later
@@peachxtaehyung There is a theory that autism is caused by connective tissue problems. I don't know if this is true or not but if it is it would explain the connection to EDS.
I know three girls growing up who were almost exactly like Paige - smart, gifted, very outgoing and socially active (eg. volunteering, running camps etc.) but very emotionally dysregulated, anxious, sensitive, socially clumsy and misunderstood, felt different than others. They could be bossy or have a tendency to speak out of line/turn. They also were fussy eaters. And yes, they were all either hypermobile or had a “party trick” they could do with their body. One of them I thought communicated like they were mimicking the exact words, emotions and tonalities of various characters in the tv show Friends. It was executed perfectly, but felt unnatural, cringey and over the top. Sure enough, i later found out one of her hyperfixations was Friends and was trying to navigate the social world using a fictional tv show as a template, which of course often didn’t work. And yes, I found out when she was little she was very bossy, rude and rambunctious but now she sometimes appears like a bubbly, ditzy and girly girl (to the point it is cringey)… until she drops the mask during texting and becomes rude and bossy again. As far as I know they have all been diagnosed as AuDHD, one of them has actually become an autism influencer.
I am 31, not diagnosed but have strong suspicions that I am autistic. I watch videos like this and replay my entire life in my head, and I get so overwhelmed. So many questions are currently going through my head because you essentially told my life story in your video…
I absolutely love this video! My oldest is ASD ADHD with definite PDA ... You described her childhood and she'll be 11 on Tuesday! This will help so many parents!!! Thank you sooo much for recording this video ❤❤❤
You basically described me as a kid and it makes me soooo happy and sou validated. I'm 20 years old, I was diagnosed a few months ago and I've been having a hard time accepting my diagnosis. I got into a hyperfocus fase on autism and I was frustred because all I've seen was shy girls that didn't spoke at all, and I was like: "nope, it's definitely not me. I must have lied to my psychologist, I'm a terrible person, I'm not autistic, I'm fraud", etc. I'm glad to hear your understanding of autism and girls and how it manifests when their kids, because I don't fit on the shy and quiet girl stereotype, I was the outspoken, inconvenient, who didn't know when to shut up and stand still, who was "too smart and mature for her age" girl. Thank youuuu
Yup, I am turning 40 this year and you nearly perfectly described my childhood. The crazy thing about my adult life is that I followed the script, did everything I was "supposed" to do, ended up in an abusive marriage and was super depressed before I said enough! I am not wearing this mask anymore! I knew literally nothing about autism, adhd or neurodivergence and *still* used the word "mask" to describe how I felt. When I stopped masking and was more authentic to myself I was rejected by everyone I knew, made new friends, got divorced and moved across the country where I have been progressively learning more about myself and how to be happy. This year has felt like a new chapter for me, a chapter where I finally get to be happy and love myself fully and I feel better than I ever have in my whole life ❤
I'm in my 40's and just realized I have EDS & PDA autistism as a result of my kid getting diagnosed. I related to this pipeline. Your pattern recognition is on point. Thank you ✨
Having talked to many ND/AuDHDers, I’m convinced that the “Bossy/controlling” behaviour/PDA is a subconscious anxiety response to anticipated sensory and cognitive overload combined with an under-active reward system. Ordinary tasks for ND’s involve MUCH more effort due to the sheer mental and physical discomfort and extra energy required than for NT’s, In ADDITION to the lack of motivation/reward thanks to lower dopamine levels. It’s a similar sort of thing that everyone experiences in response to hovering your hand over a hot stove, you can physically put your hand on in but subconsciously your brain knows the pain and discomfort it will endure if it does so it doesn’t let you as the pain/cost will infinitely outweigh any reward (zero).
This described my young life to a T. Just turned 43. Dx ASD at 41.5 and ADHD at 42.5. I was the elementary school kid who either hung out with the playground monitors or read under a tree at recess. Still realizing to this day, through FB, that the group of girls I considered my closest friend group (which I was always on the outer edge of), excluded me from a lot. Thanks to good old TBT- type posts.
As someone who was an autistic little girl pretty much everything you said is 100% true. You honestly just described my life up untill this point which was honestly kinda surprising but it sort of makes sence. I am really glad that you made this video because i am sitting here and say "i thpught i was broken" and "i thought that was just me" but most of the comments are "me too" and "thats me" which really helped me feel not so alone. I am an autistic teen girl now and I know that you probably wont see this but your channel has really helped me survive and learn as an autistic girl. So thank you for that Paige and i love you so much. Ive known i am autistic for almost 2 years now and my parents aren't super accepting of that and afe convinced that a diagnosis will ruin my life so your channel has become a safe space for me so thank you.
I figured out I'm autistic shortly before my 18th birthday (I'm still 18). Part of it has been (trigger warning) "ooh so this is why I can barely remember crossing a bridge ever without wondering what would happen if I jumped off and why did no one notice" and part of it has been on the opposite end, just embracing this new vocabulary and community so much, but a lot was in between. I was gifted in school (had a useless IEP in Florida) and am now studying physics but I feel so tired all the time... I usually felt closer to my teachers than to my classmates. My family moved around a lot to different states and countries which kind of explained it but not really. I didn't even mask all that much, I don't think...
everything you said here was on point except your take on the dance world. i danced pretty much my entire childhood, from pre-k to sophomore year, and i always felt so out of place and unwelcome there. everyone was very much the neurotypical, cheerleader-adjacent type. i stuck with it for a while because i truly loved dancing, but the social aspect of it was horrible, but idk maybe its just me...
I’m 43 and was just diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD and OCD!! What a world wind of a life masking everything.. Since my diagnosis I have been peeling back the masking and finding myself for the first time.
It is wild to me how much this fits, so much of my childhood makes sense. I'm AFAB (I identify as nonbinary) and I had so much of this it is crazy, this was really comforting in a weird way. Thank you.
Autistic people aren’t becoming more common compared to the 60s/70s/80s lol. More people are just becoming more aware/accommodating to it and more autistic people are getting the diagnosis they need.
As a mom w/ ADHD (and i suspect probably autism too) with a daughter who is completely remarkable - brilliant, verbose, sensitive, creative, etc, etc this really spoke to me. Thank you!
Hearing you talk about wanting to work with kids from so young makes me feel so seen. I've watch all if not most of your videos and we are extremely similar
i haven’t even watched the video yet and i already know it’s gonna be the exact story of my childhood 😭😭 edit: yeah 💀 i was diagnosed last year at 21 and you might as well write my biography paige lmao
@@Pobbidypobyou obviously haven't been on this channel enough. She was diagnosed as a teenager unexpectedly. She didn't know much about autism until her diagnosis. She uses the internet and personal experiences to learn and form opinions, which she is free to share on the internet. She even disclaimed that she has no credentials and that she is just sharing her experience as an autistic person.
You are absolutely right about the power of finding out you're Autistic.... I was in my mid 30s when I was diagnosed and finally I started to love myself. You said it so well.
4:59 Paige! I don’t have adhd nor autism and I need to do that! People have told me that they think I’m autistic because of the way I behave but neuro typical people can also be fidgety. That doesn’t mean I have a disability because I need to move around to feel okay. I just happen to be a neurotypical who hates sitting for long periods of time and has a need to move, though that can be associated with adhd or autism, it’s more of a physical need than a mental need for me.
I am afab nonbinary and I think I genuinely fall in the middle of the amab/afab autistic experience. Like I aligned with so much of this. But I also don't align at all with other things. Like for me, I got along more with specific adults, but for the most part I wanted to keep playing with the kids. Even now, I go to a children's birthday party and I am not chatting with the adults. I wanna play tag with the kids. My mom babysat from our house and I loved it. I was always at the park with the kids, even in high school. And I didn't realize the other kids my age weren't doing that. When puberty happened, I had a really rough time. I don't like change. I wanted things to stay how they were so there was a lot of denial and refusal to do the things I needed to do to handle the change, like I refused to use conventional period products. I used toilet paper because I was used to toilet paper. I used it every day. And I refused to start wearing a bra. I didn't want to shave my legs. I only did so after my mom made me. Now I'm 23 and I only shave because sensory wise hairy legs with long pants is hell for me. I also at that time saw how my peers were having crushes and doing all this stuff I had absolutely no interest in. So I started lying about having crushes because I thought I had to. After a few times of "who do you like" "noone" "well you have to like someone" and them not letting up, I just started picking the popular boys to get them to leave me alone. When I did start to have crushes, I don't know what I wanted from them. I didn't want them to touch me. I didn't want to hold hands. I just wanted them to talk to me and be nice to me. So for a few years I thought I was ace. I didn't have an interest in anything more than a hug until I was about 17. I also, I didn't have the experience of realizing I was different and beginning to try to fit in until college when I started school and realized I already felt like everyone had tons more friends. Like they had been going to school together for years and I was the only new kid. I went through so many personality and style changes throughout the 2 years I was in college. I've been out of school for about 3 years and I realized I was autistic probably about a year and a half ago. At this point, I have gotten a lot better at not masking, but I still get frustrated with myself in conversation when I feel like I'm being weird and I can't seem to ask like everyone else. I feel like I had a weird experience because while I learned to mask, it wasn't until a lot later and I was never very good at it. I knew I was acting different, but I didn't know how to change it
As a 23 year old woman who has had growing suspicions about being autistic for the last few years... Wow. I'm floored that you just described my entire childhood. This and the video you did with your mom awhile back have been so crucial for me, I showed my mom the video you did with yours and I think that's what convinced her to believe me honestly, she knew as well as I did that it sounded so much like me. Thank you Paige for talking about this and helping me find myself. I haven't had this feeling of self discovery since I found the term asexual in middle school.
Thank you for sharing this. This has been so much of my daughter’s experience. She was actually a super chill baby, but from 3 until now, it’s spot on. Including just being diagnosed with POTS. She was diagnosed at 13 and it’s been so helpful for her to be able to understand her brain better.
I'm 31 and not professionally diagnosed yet, but related to everything on the list. My therapist recommended your channel to me because she said we have the same personality... she was right💗
Just wanted to thank you Paige for being a source of comfort for me during the process of getting diagnosed. I'd have doubts and panic about being wrong and end up convincing myself I'm not autistic despite all the research I did. Your videos are so well explained and have such a comfy vibe for me, and also helped in getting info and helping me notice other things about myself. And I finally, at 18 years old, got diagnosed with autism earlier this week! Yay! 🥹 Love ya, Paige, happy to call myself a fan❤
i discovered i am AuDHD this year because of long time watching of your content, watching Chloe Hayden in Heartbreak High, and just self reflection (aka constant obsessive questioning and analyzing in my head) .it was wild growing up with my male cousin who was basically, for lack of a better description, the stereotypical autistic boy. so that and limited media rep made me believe that was autism. that's it. not even imagining what an autistic girl would or could be. and hearing the sentence "it's a spectrum" for awhile didn't even click much with me because well i wasn't seeing that spectrum represented anywhere i guess. it's a shame. a lot of things have started to click and i found myself agreeing with all of this video XD but i'm still dealing with some imposter syndrome. and a lot of my worries come from my medical history. i have so many environmental factors that could "excuse away" some autistic traits and signs that i feel like a fraud.
Damn. I haven’t been formally clinically diagnosed but I have suspected for a long while and took the raads-r test with a pretty high score, and this was 100% start to finish me. When you said colicy baby I audibly gasped because I remember my mom saying how I was the most colicy baby she had ever seen. Like holy cow this was intensely accurate front to back for me.
Wow. I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing. I've spent my first 31 years having NO idea. I thought I was just weird and had really really severe anxiety. I was always great with little kids and I even tutored elementary school kids....when I was in elementary school. I was picked to stay after school from the time I was in 2nd or 3rd grade to tutor alongside high school students. Unfortunately, i didn't have the best support system, and after a few years of high school, I ended up dropping out and getting heavy into drugs. Now, I'm trying to get myself back into working and living a normal life, but I don't have any friends, and I've been very isolated for years, so it's terrifying. If I hadn't stumbled across your videos and others who make similar content, then I still wouldn't even know about my autism. Thank you for the work that you do. You are an inspiration.
10:18-10:31 the reminds me of that one PDA episode I had in learning support class, when I was forced to rewrite this essay to see if i could qualify to be put into a special centre for my psats. And, I was just crying non-stop, and my essay was about how much I hated being a junior, because I had to take my psats, and that I couldn't wait to be a senior, to do all the fun senior stuff
not me reading this comment and wondering if me being pissed off whenever i got an essay for an AP course in junior year had to do with PDA all along 😅
I'm currently *officially* diagnosed with ADHD, but I often find myself heavily curious about whether I'm AuDHD, and it has done nothing but stress me out for years now. When you started talking about being "manic pixie dream girl" adult women, I related but it also brought me so much sadness because I think with my ADHD I go through so many phases of special interests = my entire personality, that I'm in a strange space where I'm not sure what I am, or who I am, or what suits me. One thing I do know is that, all these pivotal points on the pipeline you described perfectly suited me.
this hits home......and hits HARD at that. almost everything to a t, it makes me SO CONFUSED how on earth i wasnt diagnosed lonnnnng before i actually finally was.. it explained so much about my entire freaking life when i got diagnosed audhd
This video literally describes my childhood. I cried a lot as a baby and in kindergarten I always wanted to talk to the adults instead of playing with other kids. I also always had sensory issues without being able to communicate that and research wasn't nearly as advanced in the late 90´s when I was that age. Later in school I always had a very easy time making friends, because I am very open minded and sociable, but it never lasted very long, because I tend to have quite unique interests and typical things kids would play never interested me much. I also had and sometimes still have issues with motor skills, but it got a lot better over time and some things just took me a lot longer to learn than it did other kids, while I was always very gifted with languages and in the arts, story telling etc. I would also know entire children's books or movies by heart and had lots of very rigid and particular rituals in the games I would play and how I played them. I am also really good with kids and work as a freelance online tutor part time, while I am studying performing arts. :)
This is my whole life experience to the letter. Never had anyone explain it like you do, this needs to be talked about on a major scale between psychologists.
I’m in middle school I remember always remember wanting to talk with adults and little kids more than kids my age and I am a female autistic person I have other traits of autism thanks so much for making this
Every single thing you said, point for point, same ages, all of it, was me as a child. I turn 50 next month, and received an ADHD diagnosis around 30. Other than putting some very basic accommodations in place (I was a student), I wasn’t given any resources. Medication was never discussed, and I wasn’t offered any educational materials, or taught any coping or quality of life skills. It was just “yep, you have ADHD plus some other neurodivergent stuff, bye now!” Autism was never considered at that time, so now I’m figuring all of my neurodivergence out on my own, because I am positive I’m also autistic. So many of the things that I’ve found helpful have come from you, so thank you for everything you’re doing for the community.
Everything from having a complex vocabulary early on, needing to have control over what I wore, not having friends despite being very social, getting along better with adults and younger kids, and having more mature experiences by age 12 and not having anyone to talk to about them, I relate to all of it.
genuinely cried, laughed out loud, and gasped audibly during this video. you are so bang on and it’s so relieving feeling like there is some normalcy to my ‘weirdness’
Self diagnosed at around age 26. And once again Paige you re so on point with what you re saying. I remember my childhood and my whole life preeeetty well. And yep you re really summarizing my experience extremely well here too. Infancy - I remember how frustrated i was when words wouldnt come out my mouth fast enough to communicate the way i wanted to. I remember i talked super early and everyone keeps telling me how talkative i was. As you describe i hated diapers so i stopped wearing them like under 2 years old, not sure how old exactly. But i remember using the bathroom and other kids being so confused, and adults being confused when i said i need to go (because obviously i needed help). And i remember how often adults even now tell me "oh you cant remember that", I DO remember. I clearly remember things from when i was an infant. Which is why i get so protective about people pretending animals, toddlers or infants do not understand certain things. They do, and they deserve respect and certain autonomy. Being picked up but also the naked thing too. I was super small and all but i remember thinking no, i dont like this, not even SA or anything just not wanting that. Not wanting other people to decide over me, decide what to wear, or when not to wear stuff. I remember trying to communicate but being dismissed because i was a child. I dont quite remember if i was "bossy" but yes i guess it could have been perceived that way. I wanted to be left on my own, i cried a loooot. I didnt understand why i was asked for my opinion but then yelled at when i gave it. I suppose with other kids i just didnt really been a teamplayer or cared to be one. Definitely the thing you mentioned about social dynamics, about things being explained. But to be fair i wasnt in a healthy home or with healthy people, so i was kind of forced to just submit to people. Im a very obedient person to the point its my own downfall even. And i would be super clingy, while so terrified of other people and unknown places. I really hated every experience with other kids and unknown situations so bad. I would just histerically cry and my parents would get so furious with me. And i lost control over my emotions which was so frustrating for me as a child, i knew my behaviour wasnt "appropriate" but i could litereally not control my body. You mentioned it, i never considered if my emotions were bigger than those of other kids. I always assumed i was just worse at controlling myself? But you sure have made me think. Perhaps the fact that you have more self awareness for your age but still the limitations of a child, it causes conflict. Like in all seriousness i think if i were respected and listened to, when i calmly asked for things and tried to explain my feelings, then i wouldnt need to be over emotional and lose control aka have meltdowns all the time. But also like you said the just emotional reaction to triggers for sure. I used to inhale books, i would read so quickly that my parents would be frustrated at how often i was at the library. I remember in kindergarden, age 4 or so, reading and being bullied by other kids for reading all the time. I remember how several times teachers would say im way beyond my skill level AND i remember how this was also my pitfall. Because obviously other kids werent on the same page. I lacked the social experience and perception (duh) and they lacked the emotional maturity, the vocabulary and the self control i could by that point already execute. But i was also such a socially weird creature, desperate to make friendships but so clueless. Its a sad world for autistic people and perhaps even more so for autistic girls because of how female social dynamics usually works. Big relate to what you said in regards to feeling like you have friends but you dont. Literally my grandma would have a conversation with me when i was a child and go "you dont have friends, you know that right? No no, those are not your friends. A friend is like so... you understand?" i was sooo mindblown. The issue with mostly relating to anyone but your own peers really hits hard. Especially as a girl its not the safest to seek out talking to adults. And when you re around little kids, even if you get along and vibe, you dont have the kind of friendship with equal support you d need. Which goes with the puberty thing. I spent those years absolutely obsessed (special interest) with like meditation, self awareness and self control and self-therapy evenand all of those things. And masking oh yes absolutely, the thing my teenage self thought is the answer to everything. And to answer where i ended up with. Not a neurosurgeon but i did study medicine. I have a phD so i guess i did "succeed" and i have a good job. Wanted to be a scientist but i got a burn out so i quit, and now i work in the most ironic of fields because im kind of a salesperson and i spent my whole day talking to people and being social. So yeah if you re already great at masking why not being paid for it, i guess? But i dont hate it, it works. Still a hard path and i wouldnt really advice to it either (college and research as a field is hard)
I always categorized myself and my friends (the people I got along with most) as weird, but not THAT WEIRD. And the main categories were, popular or regular, weird (me), and really weird (how people viewed me but I got along with less so). Now, within the last 3 to 4 years I see that as, Neurodivergent vs Neurotypical. And the different versions of weird as high or low "functioning" aka masking.
I didn't become hyperverbal until puberty, but besides that this is very accurate. I was veeeery hypoverbal and would cry at social interactions until I started picking up on the patterns ™️ then I started going wild and talking all the time
I am a late diagnosed autistic without adhd but also had ptsd really early and a lot of this resonates with me. I was not in dance but rather I tumbled. I don’t remember my childhood very well, but adults in my life always said I said very observant and insightful things as a kid. And I remember feeling anxiety and self conscious very early, in kindergarten I vividly remember being embarrassed I yelled for who I thought was my friend from behind and playing it off like they turned a corner even tho no one noticed. I also notice all the friends I make are neurodivergent and my profession is full of neurodivergent folks too. I’m a French teacher, which in the US tends to be more eccentric, it’s the language the “weird” kids take. I was that weird kid and I think teaching lends it self well to autistic adults because it’s an environment we can predict, that we have been in for 12 years so it is comfortable. French draws in all the kids who are or want to be “different” because Spanish is the standard here. I have my masters in gifted education and my passion is twice exceptional kids. I am always seeing patterns now for neurodivergent students and colleagues and it is so interesting. Keep on doing great work!
Yes ma'am!!! ESPECIALLY the part about colicky babies...I (late diagnosed at 46) was an "intolerable" infant according to my mother, and my daughter (also AuDHD) was inconsolable as a baby, cried all the time no matter what we did... you're the only person I've heard mention this and YESSSSS....absolutely part of the pattern I think!
i started watching you a few years ago when you started getting trending on tiktok. i considered i might be autistic (i am, surprise). but wasn’t 1000% sure. i went on to watch “heartbreak high” this past year and for the first time, i saw myself in media. it was *scary* accurate to me and i saw myself. i finally saw my experiences. it was a pivotal moment for me, and i brought it up with my new psych at the beginning of this year. i wanted a full eval because i didn’t think any of my previous misdiagnoses (sad, mdd, gad, ocd, bpd, bipolar) fit. sure enough, i was diagnosed this year (at 29 yrs old) in march. no sad, mdd, gad, ocd, bpd, or bipolar, just autism and adhd. anyway the tldr: thank you for being a part of my autistic awakening. 🥹 i kinda think you showing up on tiktok was the snowball to saving my life. nbd.
So true! We grew up in dance class too! When we have severe burnout and can’t dance for too long it slides into depression. But then once we start move’n n’ grooven on the regular again we are ecstatic with joy. Misdiagnosed manic depression. Turns out late diagnosed autistic.
I cried during this video because I literally don’t know what to do. This is kind of an eensy beensy bit of a vent but I think I either have autism or ADD(all of my hyperactivity is just internalized), and this video resonated with my childhood almost to a tea. I’m in highschool now and still resonate with Paige on a lot of things she says. A lot of my friends think I might have autism but my therapist and parents think I don’t, even though we’re sure my dad’s autistic. I just don’t know how to bring this conversation up anymore with either my parents or therapist because it always feels awkward and dismissed. And on top of that I have diagnosed pretty bad anxiety. Like I can not put a shopping cart away because I don’t understand the order of which way it’s supposed to go and I’ve seen so many people put them away in a different order and ahhh- anyways if anyone has advice big cool, but I know I’m just a random girl on the internet so if you don’t have advice that’s totally fine and I hope y’all have a nice day :)
Thank you, can totally relate, children and I have a unique connection that makes me happy, always felt older than most , also reading, adults were intriguing but some often too controlling. Awesome content.
Thank you Paige your one of my biggest heros I have autism and I am a kid so I am really happy you talk about autism on this channel also I have ADHD and Dyslexia and i have had to work extra hard on everything so I just want to thank you for all these videos!
You are a blessing and I have these disabilities as well! You have gifts and this is what makes you work harder ! You are a hard worker and a blessing! Remember to take breaks too ! Xx 💋 😘 -Caroline
This is so accurate to my life! And for me, I found a couple of subcultures (alt/goth and kink) that are also heavily neurodivergent and accept me, and I'm doing really well now :3 but not everyone can find those spaces.
I was diagnosed at age three (mostly because my much older brother was already diagnosed so they figure the tantrums were comeing from somewhere) I can say that pretty much all of this still applies. Maybe some things would have been different if I had better support, but simply knowing what was "wrong" with me didn't change much because I still felt wrong and had all of the social challenges. EDS and POTS are definitely some thigns that ill have to look into. From your brief descriptions, they may be the answer to some of my mistery health problems. I had no clue that they were more common in autistic people, barely even knew what they were
wow paige!! this is by far one of my favorite videos of yours. exploring the developmental course of undiagnosed autism is so important (ESPECIALLY in girls/women). can't wait for more videos on this topic
I'm a trans man but I relate to a lot of this given that during my upbringing, all the people around me thought I was a girl. I found out I was autistic this year at age 25. I recently came across some writing I did as a young kid (like between ages 10-14) and I was thinking about so many things that many adults weren't even ready to reflect on. I had some incredibly insightful thoughts about being a secretly traumatized person, someone whose life looked fine on the outside but was really crumbling internally. I wrote about the intense tension I felt between my desire to disclose my trauma, for people to really know who I was, the feeling that I was always lying by keeping some huge, important part of myself hidden, but also wanting to keep my boundaries strong and my private life private. Some of these things I described more eloquently than I would be able to now. I shouldn't have had to be that insightful at that age, but I'm really impressed that I was.
I also have autism and even though I struggle greatly with social cues it gave me a gift that no one else that I know has. My love and passion for Geography. I also wasn’t formally diagnosed until I was 9 once I was everything started to make sense. Thank you for making these amazing videos!!
I don't exactly know what to say but I think this video is life-changing to me, it reminded me of so many things that i had either pushed down for safety or forgotten, and i really Really needed to be reminded of them, now that i'm at a place that is safer to work through those things. I came out (pun intended) on the queer side of the pipeline and am also dealing with the effects of burnout from all those years, now unlearning and relearning how to do so many things in life. Your content is genuinely helpful because of how well you describe things, and you articulate your thoughts and story in a way that is super understandable and feels so familiar to me. Thank you, truly!❤
OMG, I can't believe you are only 23! I am in my mid 50s and I have only just gained these insights into the ways of autistic girls. I'm a high school teacher and I've only just learnt to spot these girls. They are everywhere and often they find each other which is the absolute best thing that can happen! Once that happens they just bloom!
PS: As a ripe 31 yr old ADHD-diagnosed female with rising suspicion regarding some weird/quircky/extreme traits of me actually being undiagnosed autism, I can honestly tell you that your video's have been KEY in understanding the abomination which is my mental health journey and oh boy does this one resonate with little post-diagnosis-babyface-me. PLEASE CONTINUE I'M INTRIGUED
Late on the post, but what you seem to be describing is the social, smart side of an autistic childhood (as opposed to the delayed, 'obviously something wrong' side from the DSM). Boys relate to each other differently so have different sets of symptoms, but for me I've always been a 'mama's boy' and fit what you described due to socialization. Girls have a social obligation to people-please and feel the need to mask more often as a result, if I had to put it simply, so the smart and talented ones seem far less obvious if you don't know what to look for. I'm a bit floored by the point of the manic pixie dream girl too. You're spot on. I knew one of those girls in college, she at frosting out of the can for and was endlessly bubbly, if out of sync with reality in many ways. If you (or any rom-com film) ever got to know them and earn their trust, that facade would likely fall off fast and the real person beneath would surprise them.
I'm a 59 year old with undiagnosed aspergars, and was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid( they didn't have drugs they tried benadryl haha!) but I have since lost my H. I swear I had it,but I lost it years ago. My life looking back makes so much more sense now. And BTW I felt no different from the time I was ...2. Crazy.
So I also have vivid memories about how I was when I was in the first grade. I wouldn’t say I was like the super mature kid or anything though (nah, plenty of those memories were indeed very six-year-old-like lol). I do remember some unique stuff though. For example, I often found myself worrying about complex things like death. I was always crying about how I was scared to die. It got to the point where I cried in school and my teacher had to comfort me. I feel like part of this fear had to do partially with me getting ahold of my mom’s medical terminology textbook and also watching shows like Dr. G all the time. Speaking of TV shows that probably weren’t meant for elementary schoolers to watch, I also watched a lot of nanny shows (Nanny 911, Supernanny, etc.). And damn looking back as someone who’s since been properly diagnosed with autism and ADHD (the latter of which I recently hit the milestone of a full decade, fun fact!), and especially given the rhetoric that Jo Frost has been pushing about those disorders as of late, all I have to say is… shit, I really hope the neurodivergent kids on those shows are doing okay.
I remember being 4 years old and laying in bed with my grandma, who was already asleep. I started thinking about how she would die one day, and began panicking because I couldn't figure out with any certainty what happened to people when they died. At that age, the image of heaven I had in my head was pink clouds, giant wooden alphabet blocks scattered at random, and skeletons dancing together.
34, cis gay guy here - 85-95% of this video describes me as a child 😅. Then again, I was primarily raised/socialised in a neurodivergent matriarchy 😅 Keep doing these brilliant videos Paige, they're awesome and important ❤
I was hoping you'd mention that click between two autistic little girls. My best friend and I bonded over music (special interest) and being the "weird" kids. We grew up and are both raising autistic kids.. im waiting for her to work it out 😅. My experience mirrors what you mentioned right down to the colicky baby thing. Except that my manic pixie dream girl era I wasn't like "f*ck you".I wanted male approval because I wasn't getting affirmed anywhere else. I think they saw that in me...terribly dangerous combination.
That manic pixie dream was me too! I was obsessed with having a boyfriend, cause I didn't really fit in with my female friends, and I ended up with some toxic men. I just wanted a best friend but I thought that "maybe a boyfriend might stay longer with me and accept me as I truly am at the end, like in the movies"
I’m autistic and just turned 18 and I danced recreationally from around age 5-16 (I still love it but I had to stop due to exams). Compared to my dance classes, I always had really good stamina and we had similar amounts of experience. This year I’ve been going on hour-long walks on saturday mornings for a school activity and the teacher always commented that I was fit even though I had been out of dance and exercise for almost a year by then. However, I’ve always had a very high heart rate. According to my fitbit my resting HR is 77 BPM but it’s usually in the 90s or 100s. When I’m stressed it gets between 110-130 BPM. When I go walking it can get to 150 but I don’t feel tired. I took my blood pressure at school this winter and it was 110/70, I checked again now I got 118/66. On my mom’s side there’s a history of high HR and low BP and hyperactive thyroid. Could this be POTS or is it more likely thyroid or something else?
God this is entirely me and I'm still undiagnosed (Unfortunately no insurance or access to low income accessable venues to seek one, I've tried for a few years).
At first I was worried because the start of the pipeline wasn't me. I was an "easy" baby, and rarely asked for anything at all. But.... Everything from 6 onward was scarily me. I feel kind of twisty inside thinking about how accurate this was. Thank you for finding the words to describe this for us and for sharing your experience observing these kids. Your impact will be immense for them.
This started hitting hard at the end. I was tearing up as you started talking about where autistic adults (undiagnosed women specifically) are, and that they went somewhere they felt they could be safe. I have really been struggling with my job lately because I am starting to be really "checked out" at my job. It started out okay when I started about 6 years ago. The job can be a really good fit at times and looking back, and thinking about you saying we go where we feel we can be safe, I think about how I went into this field and career because it incorporated my interests but is also very financially profitable. So as a single young woman I was able to be independent and financially stable (and therefore safe in a way). But now that I am married and my husband provides financially for the family i feel guilty for wanting to be a stay at home mom. He has not put any pressure on me to work and has said he would like for me to be able to be a stay at home parent and it seems like we will be working towards that soon. But this week in particular, as I had a slight increase in work to do at my job. I have been really feeling that guilt and shame about "not being able to do as much work as other people". I have at most a 20 hour week and most of the time I only work 10 or so. But when I have 20 hours of work I really struggle now. but those around me work 40 hours or more every week. It gives me that "less than" feeling. But I am trying to be kind with myself and recognize that this job may just not be meant for me. Or at least, not anymore. Or maybe even just not at this time in my life. And I'm trying to remind myself working 30 or 40 hours of week shouldn't have to be the norm. I shouldn't feel less than for living a life that is balanced in the way that I need it to be. And that I'm not "entitled" for working a job (parenting/ child care) that in my case isn't bringing in money because it's my own child. It's money we aren't spending to have someone else watch the kid. And its time I spend taking care of the house and yard that needs done. And I don't need to feel like that isn't enough.
Thank you for making this video! I feel so seen and understood, and so many things are starting to make sense now that I think I may be undiagnosed. I started crying while watching this because I could relate to all of it. Love your videos💕
I can honestly agree with everything you said here. I will say that a lot of this video can be applied to autistic men/boys as well, because I'm someone who is autistic and experienced a lot of this growing up and I am definitely not a girl.
I’m dx autistic. I was very colicky as a baby. my mom still talks about it. She took me to the hospital a lot because I would not stop. I had one close friend. Also crippling anxiety around the school day.
I'm impressed how incredibly well and detailed she described the life of an autistic baby I was one of them. I've also suffered very severe insomnia since birth. Never sleeping more than 0- 3 hours within 24 hours, often not sleeping at all . I wasn't allowed Naps which made it even more miserable. Chronically sleep deprived and in severe pain from EDS EDS is a huge factor in my insomnia but also sensory issues like being super sensitive to sound, temperature, touch etc
From hyperlexia to POTS we are too similar! :O I'm 29 but I was diagnosed at 8....even so I am soooooo glad I found your channel! I am "high functioning" and no one really ever believes im Autistic....I even had a psychiatrist refuse to look up my records because he believed I was lying....anyways...it is just so nice to see someone just like me!
I was diagnosed at 9, 23 now. Some people in my life have always act like I'm so weird and difficult to understand, but when I mention that I'm autistic, they don't believe me!!!
@@samanthamartin1407 It's frustrating and invalidating isn't it? My old psychiatrist was awful to me....stormed out of sessions, left nasty notes, and even accused me of being a narcissists claiming that I was lying about being autistic too much. Idk why Autism is never understood by healthcare professionals but in my experience it is exceedingly rare to find anyone that understands Autism in adults especially.
@@samanthamartin1407 You are a girl correct? I wonder sooo much about all the weird girls I've met whether they are Autistic.....I had a female therapist my age that was in many ways a mirror image of me in certain ways....we really liked eachother but thats a big no no unfortunately but I wish I asked her because it was interesting...
Tiny undiagnosed me actually went the complete opposite way in elementary school and was always sort of behind when it came to maturity compared to the other kids. I could handle the learning, but I thought everything was boring and I just wanted to play and talk about fairies or something. I wasn't ready when the other kids got older and I wasn't ready for high school when my friends didn't want to play like we used to anymore. Like, it totally made sense because kids grow up. I just really was not ready. I think my special interest in fiction and fantasy and such had a pretty big impact on how I experienced the world back then. Pretty sure my version of masking back then was by pretending to be my favorite characters to an obsessive degree. I didn't get diagnosed until I was about 18, which is kind of a bummer because I think the diagnosis would have helped me a lot in high school and elementary school.
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As an autistic who works with kids. It is so evident to me which kids are neurodivergent. You just know. They’re just different. They’ll do things and you’ll be like wait… I DO THAT. And it breaks my heart because some of my coworkers will absolutely HATE these kids. They think they’re difficult and annoying and they “piss them off.” And I have to be like… they’re autistic my guy.
Oof. Those coworkers sound like the grown up versions of the kids who would be the most likely to go out of their way to bully autistic kids for being "cringe."
I know the kind of adult you're talking about, the kind of people who, despite being granted authority and responsibility to solve conflicts, will look the other way or even stomp down on a particular kid just because they don't like them. It's crazy that we allow those kind of people to work with kids, and they're just SO. Many. But I guess it shouldn't surprise me given how common that behavior is amongst adults too.
i just commented this to another person but oh my goodness i have to say this here too. in school i either had teachers that loved me or hated me and it was the worst whiplash. i went from 4th grade with two teachers that adored me and would fawn over me to 5th grade with teachers who despised me and i never could understand it. i remember one 5th grade teacher would treat me with such contempt. i'd go up to ask her a question (as we all did) and she'd literally curl her lip and say "what." in the most impatient tone. i was constantly anxious, wondering what i had done wrong every time she'd treat me like that. come to find out, LOTS of autistic girls have similar experiences. it's so heartbreaking. also i knew several teachers like that as an adult as well. i had a "friend" who'd tell me all these horrific things about one particular boy (he falls asleep in class, he has accidents, etc.) i asked her something like "have you talked to his parents? reported any of this?" and she was like "no lol but i told his dad so hopefully he gets his ass beat for it" like??? just the sheer lack of compassion and outright cruelty is bizarre to me
"piss them off" as if someone's behavior is there to please or displease you- what NARCISSISTS neurotypicals are??????!!!!!!! i'll never understand them
@@johnwalker1058Yes. I felt bullied by some of those teachers.
Can we call us the “Lost Girls”, please?! I see it fairly often…something just tugs at my heartstrings when I see little girls who resemble my early years. They get labeled as “sensitive” or “shy”. That feeling that you’re weird or just not of this world….just spending your childhood watching everyone else thrive while you die on the inside…that’s the life of the Lost Girl.
Yesssss !! :((
YES YES YES sorry I vibe with this so much I’m lowkey writing a book on it rn that’s how much I feel you. Former “old souls” club
I feel this!
@@AnimallovercomedianI would love to read that once you have something
@@EmMakesMusic123 I’m so glad to hear that!!!!!!!!! ❤️ The book is only about 10k words (~30 pages) into the first draft now so it’ll be a while before it’s a Thing. But the book is based on an idea I had for a short story that I might try to publish through my college’s literary magazine (honestly the short story isn’t my best work, which is why it’s getting reworked into a book, but I think it says something interesting that I had to cut from the book and it would be good career-wise to have a publication credit to my name even if it’s an eh short story in a very small undergraduate lit mag). The short story is about wondering what that thing about you is that everyone else can see that makes you different, while the book is kind of that but also more about assimilation politics and the radical action of existing when you’re unwanted? I hate describing my own writing but this thing is burning a hole in my head.
Anyway if I do publish the story or the book (eventually eventually) I’ll try to remember to come back here. If not, keep an eye out for semi-YA books about a wild girl and her urban coyote family.
you described my entire (undiagnosed) autistic childhood rn. like, i am genuinely floored. i was diagnosed this year at 29. 😅
Wish I was diagnosed as 29. Waiting at 63 for a first assessment. Also EDS and POTS. I wanted to dance so bad when I was a kid. Glad now that I didn't, but only because my joints are so painful now without having added the additional stress of having been a dancer. BTW, I love playing with little kids, I'm on the floor doing whatever it is that they're doing.
Yeah but you’re not autistic. Nobody is. Anxious attachment does alone cause adhd or CPTSD. The abuse isnt really bad necessarily but what do I call it? Casual abuse? It cause stress overthinking. Okay dopamine consumption brings to drain peripheral nerves, intense pain from nothing because fewer neurotransmitters take more intense signals. Reverse pins and needles. “Amplified operant conditioning” which operant conditioning needs rules spelled out specifically and given what they did wrong. Non abusively even bf skinner was very strict in the punishment without emotion aka abuse. Emotionally driven punishment is abuse. Causes overthinking to avoid. No rues are explained and extreme pain is caused from the abuse. CPTSD occurs from this. Skills are destroyed from executive dysfunction, neurological entanglement is what makes dysfunction. This then happens further into the other part of the brain, the emotional/instinctive brain. This is real people are simply denying the facts. Anti intellectualism is causing this to increase. Then nobody gives stimunts to help the executive dysfunction and neural entanglement to ever be fixed or prevented. Stimulants are neurological stimulants, neuroprotective. Only dependency occurs when too much neurological entanglement is allowed too long. Neurons may come back but never produce dopamine for regular activity. So stimunt must be used for long term possibly the limits like 60mg adderall per day is too low even. At least for autistic to recover. We have trauma sometimes it’s not even trauma. It happens sometimes one sometimes the other. It should be treated normal. Don’t accept autism because then you have to deal with the crap forever. Get recovery, accept adhd or CPTSD use stimulants amphetamines are straight replacement for dopamine. When taken orally the medication is not perceived as a reward. This method of delivery is used to prevent addiction, that’s why it’s orally taken. Period. Dopamine is necessary for all neurological functions. What’s used instead? Adrenaline. Not good
@@The_Vanished i’m not reading all of that fucking ableist shit. i am autistic. it’s a neurodevelopmental disorder, full stop.
@@lindat7525 i’ve had a few friends ask if i have EDS and POTS 😅💀 this is blowing my mind rn
same i just recently got diagnosed, and im in my 30s
"These kids are kids, I was like an adult." Yeah, basically. I didn't go to public school until 5th grade and when I heard the other kids reading out loud I thought I had been placed in the disabilities class by mistake. I had not. I was bullied quite a bit in 5th grade and it gave me a crash course on dumbing myself down to avoid attention.
I've never been diagnosed as autistic, but I've always felt older than my years, always felt more comfortable around adults more than kids. Now, that I'm an adult I still don't feel like I connect with people my age. I just see them as bigger kids.
this!!! it also didn't help anything that my mom had this weird attitude towards kids. her own, me, was fine. but other kids were loud, awful, disgusting, disrespectful, etc. she'd roll her eyes and make snarky comments about kids in public with me, a kid, standing right there. it got to the point that growing up i always saw other kids as "others." i was never like them. the things they did, the stuff they were into, it felt like i wasn't allowed to be into those same things or like those same things. i am realizing as an adult, that while bullying is never okay, i am sure there were times i didn't exactly help my case either. i wasn't consciously thinking "i'm better/more mature" than these kids, or consciously wanting to be, but it still was something that was so ingrained into me.
🙋♀...feeling forced to toss out the most precise words that come to mind in favor of less-stuffy-sounding or commonly used ones that don’t accurately or completely reflect what I’m thinking. I often struggle for words in casual conversation, panicking to myself mid-sentence, “What was that dumbed-down equivalent that everybody uses again?!”
This is so confusing but also interesting bc I’m autistic and 15 but im COMPLETELY the opposite, very shy, don’t speak , not good with adults I don’t have a thing im REALLY good at and smart it’s strange how different the spectrum can be
Same, imo I had the worst sense of interoception? Disconnect between brain and body? I remember how I fell asleep absolutely everywhere from being constantly overwhelmed. It started as an infant too my grandma kept telling me how I kept sleeping through whole days, would sleep through diaper rashes to the point it spread all throughout my body, instantly fell asleep after meals and even fell asleep through bathtime. Once she had to shock me with cold water to check I was alive like damn. Didn't help that sugar made me sleepy instead of hyper. There might be that sense of autistic bravery and trust too. Lacking any inhibition, I did what I want and what it was was either sleep, read or minding my own business.
Could be expressive language disorder. Most autist has a speech problem and social anxiety
Just bc you don't see your strengths, doesn't mean you don't have many❤
@@umairahfaridfaisal2778sugar doesn't make people hyper. that's a myth. People before used to give sweets to kids and saw that it made them hyper, but that's because they had caffeine in the sweets.
yes it's important to remember that, like what i learned about adhd, it is actually a "Problem Of" rather than a Lack Of or Excessive Amount Of. It's seen as not fitting yourself into certain pace at a certain time, and knowing-magically! what the other kids were doing
A teacher once told my mom that I was an “old kid”, not in a nice way. All because I thought she unfairly graded my test and went to talk to her. She hated that I spoke up. But I was definitely the very adult kid, ultra responsible who didn’t have friends but talked to everyone. I did felt a lot closer to boys, especially the disruptive boys, who I’m sure were undiagnosed ADHD boys who couldn’t stay still. I found them brilliant and so free.
By the time I was in high school, I conditioned to feel a lot older because I had already experience all the heart aches, disappointments, friends not being friends, suicidal thoughts, etc, all during puberty. So 14 years old me was like “why are all my classmates depressed now”, like “depression was so 6th grade”
Lol
ooh. felt.
So relatable. Teacher can't stand kids who have something to say.😂
So, so many should not be teachers or have interactions with anyone else’s children. Seriously.
"depression was so 6th grade" I CACKLED
Damn that "depression was so sixth grade" really hit me. I was always told that I was more mature than others so when other people "caught up" I became very confused. And slightly aggressive. In the confused way. I dunno how to say it. Disbelief?
The fact that you brought up autistic girls connecting so well with girls who will probably be gay, make me feel so less crazy. Because I have felt this is a normal case, looking at my friends and my own patterns, but to even say it seems risky. As if it isn't a real thing or crossing an unspoken boundary. It is what it is
I’m queer and neurodivergent, and I think there’s something about knowing that you’re different from other people that draws you to other people who are different too. It doesn’t have to be in the same ways you’re different, but you can just connect with people on some level who also don’t quite fit in, who see the world a little differently. Pretty much all my close friends have ended up being queer/LGBT+ and/or neurodivergent, even when I didn’t know that and they didn’t know that about themselves when we became friends.
Whatever little (or big) ways we don’t fit the mold can open up doors for us to better relate to other people who also don’t fit the mold, and understand what it’s like to be different, to be outcast, for most people to not understand you. We’re also all more likely to question the status quo because we’ve been hurt by the status quo. No matter why exactly it happens that we’re drawn to each other, it’s really cool finding solidarity with all kinds of folks who happen to be different, in many unique ways.
SAME
@@val.628same holy crap. And I definitely agree with everything
As a bisexual woman I noticed a lot of the gay kids and neurodivergent kids do seem to flock together. When I was in high school the only friends of mine who were straight were, looking back, clearly some form of neurodivergent and I think it’s because these groups are types of social outcasts. They are socially in pain and they see eye to eye and feel a deep sense of care for each other and empathy.
This is 100% a thing. There are intersectional studies just on the convergence of neurodivergence and”queerness” - in quotes because being queer isn’t always the same as all forms or LGBTQIA+. An example is Dr. Nick Walker who I interacted with as a student in one of her neurodiversity courses when I was finishing my degree.
If you look up “dr. Nick walker intersections on the spectrum podcast” you can find an interview about the subject.
It was really eye opening to me, because I wasn’t fully able to grasp that I felt “not normal” in comparison to others in so many ways. Additionally, I attracted neurodivergent and lgbtq people like mad. For context I am someone who identifies as neuroqueer.
I am 31 and just got diagnosed yesterday with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Conversion Disorder, and Dyscalculia. I have been in the mental health system since I was given up for adoption at 3 years old. It's astounding to me that no one ever recognized those things in me and diagnosed me with depression and personality disorders, even Schizophrenia.
The only diagnoses I can tell could be ADHD aka CPTSD, these both can be caused from many factors. Not only abuse not only x, y, or z. Then HPA axis stress dysregulation known as autism, runaway neurological processes, neurological entanglement as atypical pruning and executive dysfunction. Nerves drained intense signals, low transmission rate. Other things neuropathy, eating disorders, etc
I was diagnosed with 14 different mental illnesses and not diagnosed with autism until age 47.
G
@@Catlily5Your being sarcastic right
@@gabrielM1111 No, I am not being sarcastic. I should have said that I was diagnosed with 14 different mental illnesses over a 30 year period. I was not diagnosed with 14 all at the same time. They couldn't figure me out.
woah the "speaking only in internet quotes i know people have laughed at 25 times already" rly hit me. ive never rly noticed that its actually also a form of not being genuine sometimes
Autistic mum here, with autistic girl twins. This is my childhood, this is their childhood - in a nutshell. Thank you for actually saying it, and it is brilliant, Paige...just brilliant.
Wow, you just described my childhood! The hardest part for me was that point you described when you start realizing you're not welcome in certain groups. One of the impacts for autistic girls that is often underestimated is the trauma that a lack of acceptance can inflict over time. It's not necessarily intentional bullying, it's not anybody's fault, but the slow burn of feeling like you're not accepted by your peers over a long period of time can result in PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Acceptance is a basic human need and I think a lot of autistic girls have a more difficult time meeting this need during their early years than their neurotypical peers might.
A lot of autistic girls are quite socially perceptive even if we don't quite reflect expected social behaviors back to other people; that feeling that we're not accepted is supported by evidence everywhere we go, we can see it and it can be incredibly painful. It's not the fault of the autistic kiddo and it's also not the fault of the other kids who seem to be rejecting them, and this complex dynamic can be difficult for anyone that age to understand. Little kids' brains make up reasons why that might be: "there's just something wrong with me", "nobody likes me", "I must just be a bad person," that kind of thing. Kids need help and support from their parents to recognize that it's not happening because there's something wrong with them, and that it's okay to be different. A lot of parents don't know when that kind of support is needed. There is thankfully more and more societal awareness about autistic girls every year, and I'm excited for the next generation who will hopefully be noticed at earlier ages and receive the support they need.
That's so heartbreaking😢. I see it in my best friend's daughter. She's not diagnosed with anything, probably because she has a sister with very high needs and next to her, she looks very normal.
However, she is difficult to be friends with. My daughters (who are really probably ADHD like me, possibly one is autistic like their dad) can have fun playing with her, but it's not consistent enough that they look forward to seeing her very often. And it's all very legitimate reasons: she's too rough when they're playing physical games and doesn't notice. She won't stop talking about a sensitive subject even if she's asked. "But why don't you want to talk about it? I like to!"
And I don't blame my kids for not excitedly looking forward to spending time with her, but for her part, she LOVES them, especially the older one without autism, and it hurts to see that disconnect between the friendship levels.
On the one side, it's "that kid who's kind of like my cousin because our families get together a lot, and usually we have some fun together" and on the other it's "my closest friends".
I don't know what to say to my daughters about it. I don't want them to learn to accept mistreatment just because it was unintentional and I don't want to mandate their friends and birthday party lists, but I also want to keep the other girl's feelings safe. I know how sad it is for kids not to be equally important in friendships. My girls are being kind and inclusive, but that's not the same as being besties.
@@er6730 that's a tough position to be in for both sides. I've always wondered whether my friends throughout the years enjoyed hanging out with me but nowdays I have better ways of figuring that out.
YES 😭❤️
Not me at 2 years old responding to my mother’s sarcastic “do you have to jump in EVERY puddle?” with a completely straight-face, “That’s what children do, Mommy. We jump in puddles.” 😂🙈
Now that I understand my autism (still undiagnosed but I'm convinced at this point for numerous reasons; currently I have an ADHD diagnosis), I'm looking at it in context to my life from start to finish. I'm lucky I have VERY solid memories of my childhood, backed up by video, photos and other documentation my parents and I kept through the years.
I can best illustrate this through a story: I couldn't wait to start kindergarten. I remember feeling so grown up, like I was finally starting my life (yes, I did have these kinds of thoughts at age 5). But everything was so new, and I hardly knew anyone. At lunchtime I walked into the cafeteria with my magenta Little Mermaid lunchbox (The Little Mermaid was a special interest of mine at the time), having no idea where to sit or whom to sit with. I spotted a girl who looked about my age sitting by herself at a table off to the side -- with the same exact lunchbox as me. I've always been pretty shy and VERY reluctant to initiate conversations, but that was the only signal I needed to approach her. We bonded immediately over our shared special interest in The Little Mermaid and nature (her animal special interest was horses and horseback riding; mine was whales). From then on we were best friends all the way up through high school graduation. It's only now that I look back and realize: The two of us were almost undoubtedly undiagnosed autistic girls who found each other as we NDs so often tend to. I now have a big urge to reach out to her again to reconnect.
I hope you reconnect! Friendship is impactful in deep ways. You won't know how close she held your childhood friendship to her heart until you do!
That’s funny considering whales and horses are evolutionary cousins
I'm hyperlexic too. The part about having adult emotions when still being a child was so true... I felt misplaced most of my life, because I did not get kids my age, and adults, whom I could understand, did not take me seriously. There was a big age difference between myself and my siblings and cousins, they didn't pay any attention to me. So I was an outcast all my life. Now that I am an adult myself, everyone else went to do their own adult things. Relationships feel shallow... I feel like I missed out on most of my life... I managed to find someone I can call close friend and married that person. He's very social and outgoing. The wedding was very embarrassing for me though... He has a big family and many friends, whereas I barely have any... He saw a big difference in the number of people we invited and encouraged me to invite also my cousins, who I didn't plan to invite, since I was not invited on their weddings either. Of course they did not come... I had my parents and sister, uncles and aunts and about five friends with their respective partners. Two tables. Whereas my husband's family and friends sat on the remaining 6 tables, two of which were the size of the two my part of family and friends sat at. It was a happy day for me, but I still felt so embarrassed and sad... Someone whom I considered my best friend at the time, who was supposed to be my maid of honor, refused to come because... she was going on vacation with HER friends. But at that point I was getting used to being betrayed by close ones...
I am an autistic women and I grew up with a more “masculine presentation”(?). Everyone always thought I was endlessly content because I didn’t offer much expression. I didn’t talk much at all until about age 5/6, around this time of finding my voice I had extreme PDA issues. Puberty hit very very early, minimal sexual interest all teenage years. Due to all of this I became obsessed with things and items over people and always had an extreme sense of identity, I actually get frustrated seeing when other people don’t have a sense of self or base their personality off of others.
Due to my personal experience with autism, I don’t really agree with this pattern recognition of traits = female autism. I do think there are plenty of factors that can make someone have an autistic looking profile without actually having autism.
//side note I did experience drug addiction into adulthood and have EDS & POTS//
You are great. I have a 12 year old autistic grand daughter and you have helped me a lot. I live in New Zealand and am about to meet my granddaughter for the first time. I think humour goes a long way. It is very stressful to decide what to wear.
I hate that in nearly every website they say that autistic symptoms in toddlers/kids are being delayed in speech and reading or regressing in their ability to speak even if they learn it. I am sure it is true for alot of people but not for me. My problem is they never show "the other side". I was properly reading and speaking at age 3 and was talented in everything to do with languages at school. Now that i am finally diagnosed at age 26 i have to put the effort in, to explain to people around me that because i didn't have these specific issues with speech and reading, and just because i was intelligent doesn't mean i am not autistic. Everyone seems to relate autism with mental delays. Why is that? Maybe because those of us who are considered intelligent or were good in speech and reading, would've previously been diagnosed with Aspergers?
One of the marks of classic autism was language delay, and the primary differentiator between AS and classic autism, when they were still separate diagnoses, was that AS involved normal or accelerated language development, though peculiarities in the use of language were noted.
Mental delays are a whole separate issue than language delays, but likely reasons that they tend to be associated with autism:
1) If someone is nonverbal, it's difficult to evaluate if that's because they don't have the ability to process language or if it's because they can process language but are having trouble producing it.
2) In cases where unrelated mental disability co-occurs with autism, the person will be less able to figure out coping strategies and will be less able to mask, making diagnosis more likely.
3) For really bad sensory or anxiety issues, the person may be physically quite capable of thinking, but if every thought gets interrupted halfway through, that will cripple mental development.
Oop. This is too real for me right now.
It hurts to think about how hard I was always trying to be "good" or to do the things everyone has to do growing up. And how unaware I was that all of my peers were not having the same level of stress and difficulty to do so. I just felt so inadequate. But advocating for myself by asking genuine questions seemed to piss everyone off, leaving me without an answer, feeling stupid and humiliated. So I just stopped. I put my head down, tried my best on my own, faked it when I inevitably missed context & full understanding of a subject or situation, and disassociated (idk if this is the right term) When I was in pain mentally, socially, sexually, physically, or any other state of being that felt unfathomably never-ending and uncomfortable. So much that I think I truly gaslit myself into believing my fake-it.
If it was possible to fake your way through life with just ~☆positive thinking and believing in yourself!!☆~, even through undiagnosed adhd, and suspected (I'm 99.9% sure) severe OCD and Autism, I truly believe I could have done it. I don't even know what parts were authentically me and which parts I was faking because I thought I had to for some reason.
But I fell apart at every seam I have around 31 years old. Like everything that could go wrong did. And now I'm within weeks of turning 35, and I'm just barely starting to actually find the pieces of myself, let alone start putting them back together.
I'm not ashamed to say the online Autism community (specifically the feminine presenting autistic community) I stumbled into last year probably saved me years of suffering and/or my life tbh. I'm not even close to being a successful independent person right now, but I don't feel as hopeless or alone anymore. And it was getting really dark for while there.
I have such love, respect, and appreciation to those autistic people who share so much of their struggles and triumphs online. Most of them won't ever know how much they've helped. But I hope they somehow get the posirive karma from it, in a tangible way in their present lives ❤
Hey, just wanted to say I see you and I feel this so hard. I'm 35, I know I'm autistic but I'm not officially diagnosed yet, and I'm so far from independent right now. It drives me up the wall to be dependent on a spouse who doesn't understand my struggles. I decided to be a stay at home mom until our daughter was in school, which was wonderful and all but that was 5 years of me not progressing as a person because my world was our house and this tiny human who didn't know how to human yet and I kind of forgot how to human. I've figured out that I'm autistic and I'm working on understanding myself. I went back to school when my daughter started school, and now in a year I'll have my credentials and be trying to put myself back out there in the adult working world but with the awareness that I'm autistic. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm slightly terrified 😅
I’m 36 and picking up pieces, too. You’re not alone!
❤ hi 👋
this comment is so beautifully put. OMG there’s so many things so many many things and the older you get before figuring it out the bigger the pile is. it’s not surprising we break, what is surprising is that it took so long. I’m 61, and two years ago I broke so hard physically that I was convinced it was long Covid… anyway, great comment. Thank you 🌸 for that.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
I'm about to turn 29, things started falling apart for me age ~23 and _really_ imploded in different ways 2-4 years ago... getting an adhd diagnosis a bit over 3 years ago helped a *lot* with learning about myself and my brain, but it's been a process and I totally feel you on feeling like you're only just at the point of figuring yourself out and putting you back together... I've figured out certain things but it literally was the other day where some things just started to click and I realised that I haven't been able to pick up the pieces properly yet, but recognising how much like myself I feel since I stopped masking much in the past year or so and I've been embracing what I actually like and want to do, and have been able to make friends easier than... ever? in some ways it seems, and have some friends who adore me as much as I adore them... was a sudden feeling of "oh, people _do_ like me, for who I really am, I just didn't feel able to show them for the longest time and allowed people to dull my shine... I think I can do this, I think I can get my life on track so I can have the type of life I want"... I've been holding onto an idea of myself before I even suspected I was neurodivergent at all, one that was still trying so hard to fit a mould that other people wanted me to be... and because birthdays do make me reflective I was feeling bad I haven't "achieved as much" as other people, that I've not met certain life goals... but something just shifted internally to where I _really_ understood that of course I've been struggling and feeling stagnant while others have been getting on with things... I've literally had to unlearn who I thought I was, and just let myself be to process who I _am_ and only now that I feel like I've figured out who I'm not, can I begin to see the pieces and put myself back together. I had an intuition that I kinda needed to "destroy" myself to put myself back together, which really meant I needed to take myself apart and find what doesn't belong there, why certain relationships and life plans didn't work out because of things that weren't me being lodged deep inside my mind (and what things those relationships had left there 🥲). It's a really weird and profound feeling, but we've both got this 🥰
thank you for mentioning POTS in this!!! I got diagnosed at 11 but no one ever mentioned that it's comorbid with autism, didn't figure out I'm autistic too until 10 years later
OMG it is?!!! I have it bad with my chronic pain! THIS IS SO AMAZING TO HEAR!!
EDS and POTS are both common with autism. POTS can mess up your balance. You feel best lying down.
I didn't know that. I wonder why it's related
@@nateo200oh you need to see if you have eds. It could be not related but chronic pain and pots is related alot of time with eds
@@peachxtaehyung There is a theory that autism is caused by connective tissue problems. I don't know if this is true or not but if it is it would explain the connection to EDS.
I know three girls growing up who were almost exactly like Paige - smart, gifted, very outgoing and socially active (eg. volunteering, running camps etc.) but very emotionally dysregulated, anxious, sensitive, socially clumsy and misunderstood, felt different than others. They could be bossy or have a tendency to speak out of line/turn. They also were fussy eaters. And yes, they were all either hypermobile or had a “party trick” they could do with their body.
One of them I thought communicated like they were mimicking the exact words, emotions and tonalities of various characters in the tv show Friends. It was executed perfectly, but felt unnatural, cringey and over the top. Sure enough, i later found out one of her hyperfixations was Friends and was trying to navigate the social world using a fictional tv show as a template, which of course often didn’t work. And yes, I found out when she was little she was very bossy, rude and rambunctious but now she sometimes appears like a bubbly, ditzy and girly girl (to the point it is cringey)… until she drops the mask during texting and becomes rude and bossy again.
As far as I know they have all been diagnosed as AuDHD, one of them has actually become an autism influencer.
I am 31, not diagnosed but have strong suspicions that I am autistic. I watch videos like this and replay my entire life in my head, and I get so overwhelmed. So many questions are currently going through my head because you essentially told my life story in your video…
I absolutely love this video! My oldest is ASD ADHD with definite PDA ... You described her childhood and she'll be 11 on Tuesday! This will help so many parents!!! Thank you sooo much for recording this video ❤❤❤
You basically described me as a kid and it makes me soooo happy and sou validated.
I'm 20 years old, I was diagnosed a few months ago and I've been having a hard time accepting my diagnosis. I got into a hyperfocus fase on autism and I was frustred because all I've seen was shy girls that didn't spoke at all, and I was like: "nope, it's definitely not me. I must have lied to my psychologist, I'm a terrible person, I'm not autistic, I'm fraud", etc.
I'm glad to hear your understanding of autism and girls and how it manifests when their kids, because I don't fit on the shy and quiet girl stereotype, I was the outspoken, inconvenient, who didn't know when to shut up and stand still, who was "too smart and mature for her age" girl. Thank youuuu
Yup, I am turning 40 this year and you nearly perfectly described my childhood. The crazy thing about my adult life is that I followed the script, did everything I was "supposed" to do, ended up in an abusive marriage and was super depressed before I said enough! I am not wearing this mask anymore! I knew literally nothing about autism, adhd or neurodivergence and *still* used the word "mask" to describe how I felt. When I stopped masking and was more authentic to myself I was rejected by everyone I knew, made new friends, got divorced and moved across the country where I have been progressively learning more about myself and how to be happy. This year has felt like a new chapter for me, a chapter where I finally get to be happy and love myself fully and I feel better than I ever have in my whole life ❤
I am literally so happy for you. I can relate.
This hits so close to home, I was an adult in a childs body since I was a small child
I'm in my 40's and just realized I have EDS & PDA autistism as a result of my kid getting diagnosed. I related to this pipeline. Your pattern recognition is on point. Thank you ✨
Having talked to many ND/AuDHDers, I’m convinced that the “Bossy/controlling” behaviour/PDA is a subconscious anxiety response to anticipated sensory and cognitive overload combined with an under-active reward system.
Ordinary tasks for ND’s involve MUCH more effort due to the sheer mental and physical discomfort and extra energy required than for NT’s, In ADDITION to the lack of motivation/reward thanks to lower dopamine levels.
It’s a similar sort of thing that everyone experiences in response to hovering your hand over a hot stove, you can physically put your hand on in but subconsciously your brain knows the pain and discomfort it will endure if it does so it doesn’t let you as the pain/cost will infinitely outweigh any reward (zero).
This described my young life to a T. Just turned 43. Dx ASD at 41.5 and ADHD at 42.5. I was the elementary school kid who either hung out with the playground monitors or read under a tree at recess. Still realizing to this day, through FB, that the group of girls I considered my closest friend group (which I was always on the outer edge of), excluded me from a lot. Thanks to good old TBT- type posts.
As someone who was an autistic little girl pretty much everything you said is 100% true. You honestly just described my life up untill this point which was honestly kinda surprising but it sort of makes sence. I am really glad that you made this video because i am sitting here and say "i thpught i was broken" and "i thought that was just me" but most of the comments are "me too" and "thats me" which really helped me feel not so alone. I am an autistic teen girl now and I know that you probably wont see this but your channel has really helped me survive and learn as an autistic girl. So thank you for that Paige and i love you so much. Ive known i am autistic for almost 2 years now and my parents aren't super accepting of that and afe convinced that a diagnosis will ruin my life so your channel has become a safe space for me so thank you.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Almost 64 and just now getting diagnosed.
Wow.
I figured out I'm autistic shortly before my 18th birthday (I'm still 18). Part of it has been (trigger warning) "ooh so this is why I can barely remember crossing a bridge ever without wondering what would happen if I jumped off and why did no one notice" and part of it has been on the opposite end, just embracing this new vocabulary and community so much, but a lot was in between. I was gifted in school (had a useless IEP in Florida) and am now studying physics but I feel so tired all the time... I usually felt closer to my teachers than to my classmates. My family moved around a lot to different states and countries which kind of explained it but not really. I didn't even mask all that much, I don't think...
everything you said here was on point except your take on the dance world. i danced pretty much my entire childhood, from pre-k to sophomore year, and i always felt so out of place and unwelcome there. everyone was very much the neurotypical, cheerleader-adjacent type. i stuck with it for a while because i truly loved dancing, but the social aspect of it was horrible, but idk maybe its just me...
You just explained my life better than I ever could, I am 14 in the process of getting diagnosed thank you, this video confirms everything
I’m 43 and was just diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD and OCD!! What a world wind of a life masking everything.. Since my diagnosis I have been peeling back the masking and finding myself for the first time.
It is wild to me how much this fits, so much of my childhood makes sense. I'm AFAB (I identify as nonbinary) and I had so much of this it is crazy, this was really comforting in a weird way. Thank you.
Hello, fellow AFAB enby whomst this still applies to
@@SoLongSpaceCat I appreciate knowing that even if parts of this experience sorta suck that at least I'm not alone in it.
@@quentinambrose1243 Saaaame. * virtual hug *
Omg we be neurospicy afab enby's 😮
Trans guy here. AFAB socialization is truly bonkers in a bad way.
Autistic people aren’t becoming more common compared to the 60s/70s/80s lol. More people are just becoming more aware/accommodating to it and more autistic people are getting the diagnosis they need.
As a mom w/ ADHD (and i suspect probably autism too) with a daughter who is completely remarkable - brilliant, verbose, sensitive, creative, etc, etc this really spoke to me. Thank you!
Hearing you talk about wanting to work with kids from so young makes me feel so seen. I've watch all if not most of your videos and we are extremely similar
i haven’t even watched the video yet and i already know it’s gonna be the exact story of my childhood 😭😭
edit: yeah 💀 i was diagnosed last year at 21 and you might as well write my biography paige lmao
Thanks so much for sharing your experience!! It's so important to hear from those who got diagnosed late.
@@Pobbidypob Paige has said before she was diagnosed when she was 15. Educate yourself.
@@Pobbidypobyou obviously haven't been on this channel enough. She was diagnosed as a teenager unexpectedly. She didn't know much about autism until her diagnosis. She uses the internet and personal experiences to learn and form opinions, which she is free to share on the internet. She even disclaimed that she has no credentials and that she is just sharing her experience as an autistic person.
You are absolutely right about the power of finding out you're Autistic.... I was in my mid 30s when I was diagnosed and finally I started to love myself. You said it so well.
4:59
Paige!
I don’t have adhd nor autism and I need to do that! People have told me that they think I’m autistic because of the way I behave but neuro typical people can also be fidgety. That doesn’t mean I have a disability because I need to move around to feel okay. I just happen to be a neurotypical who hates sitting for long periods of time and has a need to move, though that can be associated with adhd or autism, it’s more of a physical need than a mental need for me.
Didn’t you make a video saying that everyone stims?
@@dianalove539yeah she did
I am afab nonbinary and I think I genuinely fall in the middle of the amab/afab autistic experience. Like I aligned with so much of this. But I also don't align at all with other things. Like for me, I got along more with specific adults, but for the most part I wanted to keep playing with the kids. Even now, I go to a children's birthday party and I am not chatting with the adults. I wanna play tag with the kids. My mom babysat from our house and I loved it. I was always at the park with the kids, even in high school. And I didn't realize the other kids my age weren't doing that. When puberty happened, I had a really rough time. I don't like change. I wanted things to stay how they were so there was a lot of denial and refusal to do the things I needed to do to handle the change, like I refused to use conventional period products. I used toilet paper because I was used to toilet paper. I used it every day. And I refused to start wearing a bra. I didn't want to shave my legs. I only did so after my mom made me. Now I'm 23 and I only shave because sensory wise hairy legs with long pants is hell for me. I also at that time saw how my peers were having crushes and doing all this stuff I had absolutely no interest in. So I started lying about having crushes because I thought I had to. After a few times of "who do you like" "noone" "well you have to like someone" and them not letting up, I just started picking the popular boys to get them to leave me alone. When I did start to have crushes, I don't know what I wanted from them. I didn't want them to touch me. I didn't want to hold hands. I just wanted them to talk to me and be nice to me. So for a few years I thought I was ace. I didn't have an interest in anything more than a hug until I was about 17. I also, I didn't have the experience of realizing I was different and beginning to try to fit in until college when I started school and realized I already felt like everyone had tons more friends. Like they had been going to school together for years and I was the only new kid. I went through so many personality and style changes throughout the 2 years I was in college. I've been out of school for about 3 years and I realized I was autistic probably about a year and a half ago. At this point, I have gotten a lot better at not masking, but I still get frustrated with myself in conversation when I feel like I'm being weird and I can't seem to ask like everyone else. I feel like I had a weird experience because while I learned to mask, it wasn't until a lot later and I was never very good at it. I knew I was acting different, but I didn't know how to change it
Now I wouldn't want to change it. I love being my autistic self
As a 23 year old woman who has had growing suspicions about being autistic for the last few years... Wow. I'm floored that you just described my entire childhood. This and the video you did with your mom awhile back have been so crucial for me, I showed my mom the video you did with yours and I think that's what convinced her to believe me honestly, she knew as well as I did that it sounded so much like me. Thank you Paige for talking about this and helping me find myself. I haven't had this feeling of self discovery since I found the term asexual in middle school.
Thank you for sharing this. This has been so much of my daughter’s experience. She was actually a super chill baby, but from 3 until now, it’s spot on. Including just being diagnosed with POTS. She was diagnosed at 13 and it’s been so helpful for her to be able to understand her brain better.
I'm 31 and not professionally diagnosed yet, but related to everything on the list. My therapist recommended your channel to me because she said we have the same personality... she was right💗
Just wanted to thank you Paige for being a source of comfort for me during the process of getting diagnosed. I'd have doubts and panic about being wrong and end up convincing myself I'm not autistic despite all the research I did. Your videos are so well explained and have such a comfy vibe for me, and also helped in getting info and helping me notice other things about myself. And I finally, at 18 years old, got diagnosed with autism earlier this week! Yay! 🥹
Love ya, Paige, happy to call myself a fan❤
i discovered i am AuDHD this year because of long time watching of your content, watching Chloe Hayden in Heartbreak High, and just self reflection (aka constant obsessive questioning and analyzing in my head) .it was wild growing up with my male cousin who was basically, for lack of a better description, the stereotypical autistic boy. so that and limited media rep made me believe that was autism. that's it. not even imagining what an autistic girl would or could be. and hearing the sentence "it's a spectrum" for awhile didn't even click much with me because well i wasn't seeing that spectrum represented anywhere i guess. it's a shame. a lot of things have started to click and i found myself agreeing with all of this video XD but i'm still dealing with some imposter syndrome. and a lot of my worries come from my medical history. i have so many environmental factors that could "excuse away" some autistic traits and signs that i feel like a fraud.
Damn. I haven’t been formally clinically diagnosed but I have suspected for a long while and took the raads-r test with a pretty high score, and this was 100% start to finish me. When you said colicy baby I audibly gasped because I remember my mom saying how I was the most colicy baby she had ever seen. Like holy cow this was intensely accurate front to back for me.
Wow. I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing. I've spent my first 31 years having NO idea. I thought I was just weird and had really really severe anxiety. I was always great with little kids and I even tutored elementary school kids....when I was in elementary school. I was picked to stay after school from the time I was in 2nd or 3rd grade to tutor alongside high school students. Unfortunately, i didn't have the best support system, and after a few years of high school, I ended up dropping out and getting heavy into drugs. Now, I'm trying to get myself back into working and living a normal life, but I don't have any friends, and I've been very isolated for years, so it's terrifying. If I hadn't stumbled across your videos and others who make similar content, then I still wouldn't even know about my autism. Thank you for the work that you do. You are an inspiration.
10:18-10:31 the reminds me of that one PDA episode I had in learning support class, when I was forced to rewrite this essay to see if i could qualify to be put into a special centre for my psats. And, I was just crying non-stop, and my essay was about how much I hated being a junior, because I had to take my psats, and that I couldn't wait to be a senior, to do all the fun senior stuff
not me reading this comment and wondering if me being pissed off whenever i got an essay for an AP course in junior year had to do with PDA all along 😅
I'm currently *officially* diagnosed with ADHD, but I often find myself heavily curious about whether I'm AuDHD, and it has done nothing but stress me out for years now. When you started talking about being "manic pixie dream girl" adult women, I related but it also brought me so much sadness because I think with my ADHD I go through so many phases of special interests = my entire personality, that I'm in a strange space where I'm not sure what I am, or who I am, or what suits me. One thing I do know is that, all these pivotal points on the pipeline you described perfectly suited me.
this hits home......and hits HARD at that. almost everything to a t, it makes me SO CONFUSED how on earth i wasnt diagnosed lonnnnng before i actually finally was.. it explained so much about my entire freaking life when i got diagnosed audhd
This video literally describes my childhood. I cried a lot as a baby and in kindergarten I always wanted to talk to the adults instead of playing with other kids. I also always had sensory issues without being able to communicate that and research wasn't nearly as advanced in the late 90´s when I was that age. Later in school I always had a very easy time making friends, because I am very open minded and sociable, but it never lasted very long, because I tend to have quite unique interests and typical things kids would play never interested me much. I also had and sometimes still have issues with motor skills, but it got a lot better over time and some things just took me a lot longer to learn than it did other kids, while I was always very gifted with languages and in the arts, story telling etc. I would also know entire children's books or movies by heart and had lots of very rigid and particular rituals in the games I would play and how I played them. I am also really good with kids and work as a freelance online tutor part time, while I am studying performing arts. :)
I needed this 10 years ago when my daughter was a teen .... fascinating and insightful, helps me understand myself and many of my favorite people!
This is my whole life experience to the letter. Never had anyone explain it like you do, this needs to be talked about on a major scale between psychologists.
I’m in middle school I remember always remember wanting to talk with adults and little kids more than kids my age and I am a female autistic person I have other traits of autism thanks so much for making this
Every single thing you said, point for point, same ages, all of it, was me as a child. I turn 50 next month, and received an ADHD diagnosis around 30. Other than putting some very basic accommodations in place (I was a student), I wasn’t given any resources. Medication was never discussed, and I wasn’t offered any educational materials, or taught any coping or quality of life skills. It was just “yep, you have ADHD plus some other neurodivergent stuff, bye now!” Autism was never considered at that time, so now I’m figuring all of my neurodivergence out on my own, because I am positive I’m also autistic. So many of the things that I’ve found helpful have come from you, so thank you for everything you’re doing for the community.
Everything from having a complex vocabulary early on, needing to have control over what I wore, not having friends despite being very social, getting along better with adults and younger kids, and having more mature experiences by age 12 and not having anyone to talk to about them, I relate to all of it.
genuinely cried, laughed out loud, and gasped audibly during this video. you are so bang on and it’s so relieving feeling like there is some normalcy to my ‘weirdness’
Self diagnosed at around age 26. And once again Paige you re so on point with what you re saying.
I remember my childhood and my whole life preeeetty well. And yep you re really summarizing my experience extremely well here too.
Infancy - I remember how frustrated i was when words wouldnt come out my mouth fast enough to communicate the way i wanted to. I remember i talked super early and everyone keeps telling me how talkative i was. As you describe i hated diapers so i stopped wearing them like under 2 years old, not sure how old exactly. But i remember using the bathroom and other kids being so confused, and adults being confused when i said i need to go (because obviously i needed help). And i remember how often adults even now tell me "oh you cant remember that", I DO remember. I clearly remember things from when i was an infant. Which is why i get so protective about people pretending animals, toddlers or infants do not understand certain things. They do, and they deserve respect and certain autonomy.
Being picked up but also the naked thing too. I was super small and all but i remember thinking no, i dont like this, not even SA or anything just not wanting that. Not wanting other people to decide over me, decide what to wear, or when not to wear stuff. I remember trying to communicate but being dismissed because i was a child.
I dont quite remember if i was "bossy" but yes i guess it could have been perceived that way. I wanted to be left on my own, i cried a loooot. I didnt understand why i was asked for my opinion but then yelled at when i gave it. I suppose with other kids i just didnt really been a teamplayer or cared to be one. Definitely the thing you mentioned about social dynamics, about things being explained. But to be fair i wasnt in a healthy home or with healthy people, so i was kind of forced to just submit to people. Im a very obedient person to the point its my own downfall even.
And i would be super clingy, while so terrified of other people and unknown places. I really hated every experience with other kids and unknown situations so bad. I would just histerically cry and my parents would get so furious with me. And i lost control over my emotions which was so frustrating for me as a child, i knew my behaviour wasnt "appropriate" but i could litereally not control my body. You mentioned it, i never considered if my emotions were bigger than those of other kids. I always assumed i was just worse at controlling myself? But you sure have made me think. Perhaps the fact that you have more self awareness for your age but still the limitations of a child, it causes conflict. Like in all seriousness i think if i were respected and listened to, when i calmly asked for things and tried to explain my feelings, then i wouldnt need to be over emotional and lose control aka have meltdowns all the time. But also like you said the just emotional reaction to triggers for sure.
I used to inhale books, i would read so quickly that my parents would be frustrated at how often i was at the library. I remember in kindergarden, age 4 or so, reading and being bullied by other kids for reading all the time. I remember how several times teachers would say im way beyond my skill level AND i remember how this was also my pitfall. Because obviously other kids werent on the same page. I lacked the social experience and perception (duh) and they lacked the emotional maturity, the vocabulary and the self control i could by that point already execute. But i was also such a socially weird creature, desperate to make friendships but so clueless. Its a sad world for autistic people and perhaps even more so for autistic girls because of how female social dynamics usually works.
Big relate to what you said in regards to feeling like you have friends but you dont. Literally my grandma would have a conversation with me when i was a child and go "you dont have friends, you know that right? No no, those are not your friends. A friend is like so... you understand?" i was sooo mindblown. The issue with mostly relating to anyone but your own peers really hits hard. Especially as a girl its not the safest to seek out talking to adults. And when you re around little kids, even if you get along and vibe, you dont have the kind of friendship with equal support you d need.
Which goes with the puberty thing. I spent those years absolutely obsessed (special interest) with like meditation, self awareness and self control and self-therapy evenand all of those things. And masking oh yes absolutely, the thing my teenage self thought is the answer to everything.
And to answer where i ended up with. Not a neurosurgeon but i did study medicine. I have a phD so i guess i did "succeed" and i have a good job. Wanted to be a scientist but i got a burn out so i quit, and now i work in the most ironic of fields because im kind of a salesperson and i spent my whole day talking to people and being social. So yeah if you re already great at masking why not being paid for it, i guess? But i dont hate it, it works. Still a hard path and i wouldnt really advice to it either (college and research as a field is hard)
I always categorized myself and my friends (the people I got along with most) as weird, but not THAT WEIRD. And the main categories were, popular or regular, weird (me), and really weird (how people viewed me but I got along with less so). Now, within the last 3 to 4 years I see that as, Neurodivergent vs Neurotypical. And the different versions of weird as high or low "functioning" aka masking.
I didn't become hyperverbal until puberty, but besides that this is very accurate. I was veeeery hypoverbal and would cry at social interactions until I started picking up on the patterns ™️ then I started going wild and talking all the time
I am a late diagnosed autistic without adhd but also had ptsd really early and a lot of this resonates with me. I was not in dance but rather I tumbled. I don’t remember my childhood very well, but adults in my life always said I said very observant and insightful things as a kid. And I remember feeling anxiety and self conscious very early, in kindergarten I vividly remember being embarrassed I yelled for who I thought was my friend from behind and playing it off like they turned a corner even tho no one noticed. I also notice all the friends I make are neurodivergent and my profession is full of neurodivergent folks too. I’m a French teacher, which in the US tends to be more eccentric, it’s the language the “weird” kids take. I was that weird kid and I think teaching lends it self well to autistic adults because it’s an environment we can predict, that we have been in for 12 years so it is comfortable. French draws in all the kids who are or want to be “different” because Spanish is the standard here. I have my masters in gifted education and my passion is twice exceptional kids. I am always seeing patterns now for neurodivergent students and colleagues and it is so interesting. Keep on doing great work!
I just learned that some people call pathological demand avoidance (PDA)
"persistent drive for autonomy"
Yes ma'am!!! ESPECIALLY the part about colicky babies...I (late diagnosed at 46) was an "intolerable" infant according to my mother, and my daughter (also AuDHD) was inconsolable as a baby, cried all the time no matter what we did... you're the only person I've heard mention this and YESSSSS....absolutely part of the pattern I think!
i started watching you a few years ago when you started getting trending on tiktok. i considered i might be autistic (i am, surprise). but wasn’t 1000% sure. i went on to watch “heartbreak high” this past year and for the first time, i saw myself in media. it was *scary* accurate to me and i saw myself. i finally saw my experiences. it was a pivotal moment for me, and i brought it up with my new psych at the beginning of this year. i wanted a full eval because i didn’t think any of my previous misdiagnoses (sad, mdd, gad, ocd, bpd, bipolar) fit. sure enough, i was diagnosed this year (at 29 yrs old) in march. no sad, mdd, gad, ocd, bpd, or bipolar, just autism and adhd.
anyway the tldr: thank you for being a part of my autistic awakening. 🥹 i kinda think you showing up on tiktok was the snowball to saving my life. nbd.
also related to this video… wow 😭 yep.
So true! We grew up in dance class too! When we have severe burnout and can’t dance for too long it slides into depression. But then once we start move’n n’ grooven on the regular again we are ecstatic with joy. Misdiagnosed manic depression. Turns out late diagnosed autistic.
I cried during this video because I literally don’t know what to do. This is kind of an eensy beensy bit of a vent but I think I either have autism or ADD(all of my hyperactivity is just internalized), and this video resonated with my childhood almost to a tea. I’m in highschool now and still resonate with Paige on a lot of things she says. A lot of my friends think I might have autism but my therapist and parents think I don’t, even though we’re sure my dad’s autistic. I just don’t know how to bring this conversation up anymore with either my parents or therapist because it always feels awkward and dismissed. And on top of that I have diagnosed pretty bad anxiety. Like I can not put a shopping cart away because I don’t understand the order of which way it’s supposed to go and I’ve seen so many people put them away in a different order and ahhh- anyways if anyone has advice big cool, but I know I’m just a random girl on the internet so if you don’t have advice that’s totally fine and I hope y’all have a nice day :)
Thank you, can totally relate, children and I have a unique connection that makes me happy, always felt older than most , also reading, adults were intriguing but some often too controlling.
Awesome content.
Children are so honest.
This really gave me a lot of hope of getting diagnosed because literally everything you said is true for me- I feel so fucking seen ❤ thank you
Thank you Paige your one of my biggest heros I have autism and I am a kid so I am really happy you talk about autism on this channel also I have ADHD and Dyslexia and i have had to work extra hard on everything so I just want to thank you for all these videos!
You are a blessing and I have these disabilities as well! You have gifts and this is what makes you work harder ! You are a hard worker and a blessing! Remember to take breaks too ! Xx 💋 😘 -Caroline
@@autisticcaroline2005 Thank you alot this is really nice of you some kids are not very nice to me.
This is so accurate to my life! And for me, I found a couple of subcultures (alt/goth and kink) that are also heavily neurodivergent and accept me, and I'm doing really well now :3 but not everyone can find those spaces.
I was diagnosed at age three (mostly because my much older brother was already diagnosed so they figure the tantrums were comeing from somewhere) I can say that pretty much all of this still applies. Maybe some things would have been different if I had better support, but simply knowing what was "wrong" with me didn't change much because I still felt wrong and had all of the social challenges. EDS and POTS are definitely some thigns that ill have to look into. From your brief descriptions, they may be the answer to some of my mistery health problems. I had no clue that they were more common in autistic people, barely even knew what they were
wow paige!! this is by far one of my favorite videos of yours. exploring the developmental course of undiagnosed autism is so important (ESPECIALLY in girls/women). can't wait for more videos on this topic
I was diagnosed at 36 and it connected so many dots. Thank you for these videos that make me feel like I’m not a crazy person ❤❤❤
I'm a trans man but I relate to a lot of this given that during my upbringing, all the people around me thought I was a girl. I found out I was autistic this year at age 25. I recently came across some writing I did as a young kid (like between ages 10-14) and I was thinking about so many things that many adults weren't even ready to reflect on. I had some incredibly insightful thoughts about being a secretly traumatized person, someone whose life looked fine on the outside but was really crumbling internally. I wrote about the intense tension I felt between my desire to disclose my trauma, for people to really know who I was, the feeling that I was always lying by keeping some huge, important part of myself hidden, but also wanting to keep my boundaries strong and my private life private. Some of these things I described more eloquently than I would be able to now. I shouldn't have had to be that insightful at that age, but I'm really impressed that I was.
I also have autism and even though I struggle greatly with social cues it gave me a gift that no one else that I know has. My love and passion for Geography. I also wasn’t formally diagnosed until I was 9 once I was everything started to make sense. Thank you for making these amazing videos!!
Fan clubs and forums were my best friends
I don't exactly know what to say but I think this video is life-changing to me, it reminded me of so many things that i had either pushed down for safety or forgotten, and i really Really needed to be reminded of them, now that i'm at a place that is safer to work through those things. I came out (pun intended) on the queer side of the pipeline and am also dealing with the effects of burnout from all those years, now unlearning and relearning how to do so many things in life. Your content is genuinely helpful because of how well you describe things, and you articulate your thoughts and story in a way that is super understandable and feels so familiar to me. Thank you, truly!❤
OMG, I can't believe you are only 23! I am in my mid 50s and I have only just gained these insights into the ways of autistic girls. I'm a high school teacher and I've only just learnt to spot these girls. They are everywhere and often they find each other which is the absolute best thing that can happen! Once that happens they just bloom!
PS: As a ripe 31 yr old ADHD-diagnosed female with rising suspicion regarding some weird/quircky/extreme traits of me actually being undiagnosed autism, I can honestly tell you that your video's have been KEY in understanding the abomination which is my mental health journey and oh boy does this one resonate with little post-diagnosis-babyface-me.
PLEASE CONTINUE I'M INTRIGUED
Sat here sobbing . I feel so seen . Your just spot on with everything your saying .
Late on the post, but what you seem to be describing is the social, smart side of an autistic childhood (as opposed to the delayed, 'obviously something wrong' side from the DSM). Boys relate to each other differently so have different sets of symptoms, but for me I've always been a 'mama's boy' and fit what you described due to socialization. Girls have a social obligation to people-please and feel the need to mask more often as a result, if I had to put it simply, so the smart and talented ones seem far less obvious if you don't know what to look for.
I'm a bit floored by the point of the manic pixie dream girl too. You're spot on. I knew one of those girls in college, she at frosting out of the can for and was endlessly bubbly, if out of sync with reality in many ways. If you (or any rom-com film) ever got to know them and earn their trust, that facade would likely fall off fast and the real person beneath would surprise them.
I'm a 59 year old with undiagnosed aspergars, and was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid( they didn't have drugs they tried benadryl haha!) but I have since lost my H. I swear I had it,but I lost it years ago. My life looking back makes so much more sense now. And BTW I felt no different from the time I was ...2. Crazy.
Me: Nodding along so hard with each and every point Paige made I'm surprised my head didn't fall off.
So I also have vivid memories about how I was when I was in the first grade. I wouldn’t say I was like the super mature kid or anything though (nah, plenty of those memories were indeed very six-year-old-like lol).
I do remember some unique stuff though. For example, I often found myself worrying about complex things like death. I was always crying about how I was scared to die. It got to the point where I cried in school and my teacher had to comfort me. I feel like part of this fear had to do partially with me getting ahold of my mom’s medical terminology textbook and also watching shows like Dr. G all the time.
Speaking of TV shows that probably weren’t meant for elementary schoolers to watch, I also watched a lot of nanny shows (Nanny 911, Supernanny, etc.). And damn looking back as someone who’s since been properly diagnosed with autism and ADHD (the latter of which I recently hit the milestone of a full decade, fun fact!), and especially given the rhetoric that Jo Frost has been pushing about those disorders as of late, all I have to say is… shit, I really hope the neurodivergent kids on those shows are doing okay.
I remember being 4 years old and laying in bed with my grandma, who was already asleep. I started thinking about how she would die one day, and began panicking because I couldn't figure out with any certainty what happened to people when they died. At that age, the image of heaven I had in my head was pink clouds, giant wooden alphabet blocks scattered at random, and skeletons dancing together.
34, cis gay guy here - 85-95% of this video describes me as a child 😅.
Then again, I was primarily raised/socialised in a neurodivergent matriarchy 😅
Keep doing these brilliant videos Paige, they're awesome and important ❤
I was hoping you'd mention that click between two autistic little girls. My best friend and I bonded over music (special interest) and being the "weird" kids. We grew up and are both raising autistic kids.. im waiting for her to work it out 😅. My experience mirrors what you mentioned right down to the colicky baby thing.
Except that my manic pixie dream girl era I wasn't like "f*ck you".I wanted male approval because I wasn't getting affirmed anywhere else. I think they saw that in me...terribly dangerous combination.
That manic pixie dream was me too! I was obsessed with having a boyfriend, cause I didn't really fit in with my female friends, and I ended up with some toxic men. I just wanted a best friend but I thought that "maybe a boyfriend might stay longer with me and accept me as I truly am at the end, like in the movies"
I’m autistic and just turned 18 and I danced recreationally from around age 5-16 (I still love it but I had to stop due to exams). Compared to my dance classes, I always had really good stamina and we had similar amounts of experience. This year I’ve been going on hour-long walks on saturday mornings for a school activity and the teacher always commented that I was fit even though I had been out of dance and exercise for almost a year by then. However, I’ve always had a very high heart rate. According to my fitbit my resting HR is 77 BPM but it’s usually in the 90s or 100s. When I’m stressed it gets between 110-130 BPM. When I go walking it can get to 150 but I don’t feel tired. I took my blood pressure at school this winter and it was 110/70, I checked again now I got 118/66. On my mom’s side there’s a history of high HR and low BP and hyperactive thyroid. Could this be POTS or is it more likely thyroid or something else?
Hey I’m autistic and 18 as well! You are a blessing! Keep going and never give up on your dreams! Xx 💋 😘
God this is entirely me and I'm still undiagnosed (Unfortunately no insurance or access to low income accessable venues to seek one, I've tried for a few years).
At first I was worried because the start of the pipeline wasn't me. I was an "easy" baby, and rarely asked for anything at all. But.... Everything from 6 onward was scarily me. I feel kind of twisty inside thinking about how accurate this was. Thank you for finding the words to describe this for us and for sharing your experience observing these kids. Your impact will be immense for them.
This started hitting hard at the end. I was tearing up as you started talking about where autistic adults (undiagnosed women specifically) are, and that they went somewhere they felt they could be safe. I have really been struggling with my job lately because I am starting to be really "checked out" at my job. It started out okay when I started about 6 years ago. The job can be a really good fit at times and looking back, and thinking about you saying we go where we feel we can be safe, I think about how I went into this field and career because it incorporated my interests but is also very financially profitable. So as a single young woman I was able to be independent and financially stable (and therefore safe in a way). But now that I am married and my husband provides financially for the family i feel guilty for wanting to be a stay at home mom. He has not put any pressure on me to work and has said he would like for me to be able to be a stay at home parent and it seems like we will be working towards that soon. But this week in particular, as I had a slight increase in work to do at my job. I have been really feeling that guilt and shame about "not being able to do as much work as other people". I have at most a 20 hour week and most of the time I only work 10 or so. But when I have 20 hours of work I really struggle now. but those around me work 40 hours or more every week. It gives me that "less than" feeling. But I am trying to be kind with myself and recognize that this job may just not be meant for me. Or at least, not anymore. Or maybe even just not at this time in my life. And I'm trying to remind myself working 30 or 40 hours of week shouldn't have to be the norm. I shouldn't feel less than for living a life that is balanced in the way that I need it to be. And that I'm not "entitled" for working a job (parenting/ child care) that in my case isn't bringing in money because it's my own child. It's money we aren't spending to have someone else watch the kid. And its time I spend taking care of the house and yard that needs done. And I don't need to feel like that isn't enough.
Thank you for making this video! I feel so seen and understood, and so many things are starting to make sense now that I think I may be undiagnosed. I started crying while watching this because I could relate to all of it. Love your videos💕
I can honestly agree with everything you said here. I will say that a lot of this video can be applied to autistic men/boys as well, because I'm someone who is autistic and experienced a lot of this growing up and I am definitely not a girl.
Yeah a lot of this is just afab socialization, not necessarily being a girl. I say this as a trans guy lmao.
Yeah that’s definitely true ! Take care of yourself! Xx
I’m dx autistic. I was very colicky as a baby. my mom still talks about it. She took me to the hospital a lot because I would not stop.
I had one close friend. Also crippling anxiety around the school day.
I'm impressed how incredibly well and detailed she
described the life of an autistic baby
I was one of them.
I've also suffered very severe insomnia since birth.
Never sleeping more than 0- 3 hours within 24 hours, often not sleeping at all .
I wasn't allowed Naps which made it even more miserable.
Chronically sleep deprived and in severe pain from EDS
EDS is a huge factor in my insomnia
but also sensory issues like being super sensitive to sound, temperature, touch etc
I was recently diagnosed at age 40, and you just described my life.
From hyperlexia to POTS we are too similar! :O I'm 29 but I was diagnosed at 8....even so I am soooooo glad I found your channel! I am "high functioning" and no one really ever believes im Autistic....I even had a psychiatrist refuse to look up my records because he believed I was lying....anyways...it is just so nice to see someone just like me!
I was diagnosed at 9, 23 now. Some people in my life have always act like I'm so weird and difficult to understand, but when I mention that I'm autistic, they don't believe me!!!
@@samanthamartin1407 It's frustrating and invalidating isn't it? My old psychiatrist was awful to me....stormed out of sessions, left nasty notes, and even accused me of being a narcissists claiming that I was lying about being autistic too much. Idk why Autism is never understood by healthcare professionals but in my experience it is exceedingly rare to find anyone that understands Autism in adults especially.
@@samanthamartin1407 You are a girl correct? I wonder sooo much about all the weird girls I've met whether they are Autistic.....I had a female therapist my age that was in many ways a mirror image of me in certain ways....we really liked eachother but thats a big no no unfortunately but I wish I asked her because it was interesting...
@@nateo200 Yes I am a girl
Tiny undiagnosed me actually went the complete opposite way in elementary school and was always sort of behind when it came to maturity compared to the other kids. I could handle the learning, but I thought everything was boring and I just wanted to play and talk about fairies or something. I wasn't ready when the other kids got older and I wasn't ready for high school when my friends didn't want to play like we used to anymore. Like, it totally made sense because kids grow up. I just really was not ready.
I think my special interest in fiction and fantasy and such had a pretty big impact on how I experienced the world back then. Pretty sure my version of masking back then was by pretending to be my favorite characters to an obsessive degree. I didn't get diagnosed until I was about 18, which is kind of a bummer because I think the diagnosis would have helped me a lot in high school and elementary school.