AUTISM MOM ASKS AUTISTIC CHILD QUESTIONS | about raising me
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Paige Hennekam
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I love how honest this conversation was between you and your mum. Normalise people disagreeing, asking for clarification/explanation and offering different perspectives!
That's why conversations with autistic people are amazing!
I love that part too
She is BRUTALLY honest. Which is good, but yeah.... I am nowhere there yet myself.
But also I fear a lot of people look at Paige's comments and opinions as all the correct ones rather than an equal parent and child experience. I know Paige is the Autistic one but also, we should respect her mothers thoughts too as nobody is perfect especially when regarding close to home topics (ever heard of blinded by emotions or rose tinted etc). I have heard some people say things that show they see Paige as the correct and perfect role model and person who has all the right answers, approach and opinions and I just want to say, it doesn't always have to be like that. *Her mother challenged Paige's perspectives and was met with disagreements but that's okay and both of them can be right* . Hope that makes sense. Definitely is nice to see more than one view or experience in one video as keeps us grounded and able to come to our own conclusions and more realistic expectations! 💗
Absolutely 💜
I just realized why people are put off by me not giving them eye contact when they speak to me. Just watching Paige listen to her mother speak the same way I would do, while staring at something random, made me see how it can seem that I'm disinterested or not listening. That's actually when I'm the most receptive and concentrated on the conversation.
Me and other neurotypicals do that too sometimes.
Completely agree
@@HurricaneDDragon yeah but eye contact can be painful for autistic people
Yes I watched a video the other day, not about autism but the person was fixing a hoover or something. They didn't once look at the camera. It's looking at someone and pulling a human /humourus face that people need, to fill our hearts
I always thought this was normal. I do that too and I don't recall people complaining. I thought everybody did this.
It still baffles me as an adult now to look back at the reactions of the adults around me when I was a kid and felt extremely overwhelmed. So many of them would come to the conclusion that I must be an attention seeker and would either proceed to punish or humiliate me instead of trying to figure out why I was crying so often. This mindset needs to change, it's dehumanizing and it makes me really sad to think that there are still kids out there going through this and not understanding why no one is helping.
This. I think a child can react in two ways. The way Paige tells (outwards, the 'attention seeker') and the opposite (inwards, the 'shy child') like I did. I was beïng so quiet that no one noticed me. I think the last group is even more prone to receive their diagnosis later in life and beïng overlooked. (I was 32)
Agree
@@Iris_van_Vulpenanother quiet one here who was barely noticed!
@@Iris_van_VulpenI was both types of kid at different times and only really realised I'm autistic in the past few years in my late 20s, and am gonna pursue a professional diagnosis soon at age 29 🥲. I think I got quieter as I got older because I just didn't want attention if it was possible to get negative attention 😂. It's kinda sad really because I lost myself being so quiet, so I'm glad I've gradually been getting myself back in adulthood and I'm very much not a quiet/mild mannered person, I can be perceived as quite abrasive by some people because I'm confident, direct, and friendly - because I take no shit and will call anyone out if I don't think what they're doing or saying is right 🤷🏼♀️. Equally though I'm always willing to have a discussion as to why I'm calling them out and I like to have a dialogue about the way people act and react so everyone can learn things, not to exclude anyone or put them down... If people get me then that's great! If not, then cool, we're not for each other 🤷🏼♀️
@@Iris_van_Vulpenyessss completely agree! I was definitely inward based and very shy as a kid. I'm really extroverted now though as a 30 yr old. (Still need to actually get my diagnosis but on a waiting list to be assessed and my bro and cousins have been diagnosed.)
I really appreciate your mom giving you space to be angry with her. I feel like it's really easy for parents of autistics to be really defensive or just fall back on ignorance as an excuse, and she really just lets you be pissed. and as she should! you're affected by it all the most, parents only get the cast offs of the big feelings that they then internalize and react to. it's nice to see a parent prioritize their kids negative feelings more than their own.
I have a relationship like them w my mom, and I always feel so guilty for being angry w her, but I don't say bad things or anything, it's like the video, and my mom as well as Paige's mom, feel bad, and guilty. I related w the last part when she asks Paige y she loves her and she says "no" joking, because I do the same but my mom is usually sad, even though she says it's not my fault. Reading the comments where none shames Paige, I think my mom may be telling me the truth.
Well put! I think the theme of children prioritizing their parents hurt over their own/being people pleasers, is a general theme for autistic girls. Because we're so used to anticipating other people's behaviour/trying to see things from other people's perspective, in order to blend in and look normal...
My mum would have walked away and not spoken to me in days if I criticized her like page did her mum here. Me being autistic doesn’t make her treat me differently except if I don’t act as she want she says
“Asperger”.
I think I have a very bad cptsd on top of autism..
@@jlind3891 in so sorry. i can relate 🥲😮💨
“Capitalism stresses me out” same
Have you lived in a society that wasn't capitalistic? I haven't, so I've got nothing to compare it to, which is the only way I would be able to know if it stresses me out or not. How would I do if I lived in a bartering economy or a hippy commune? *Being curious*
@@cityman2312 I’ve never tried meth but I know it’s probably not a good idea
@@cityman2312 briefly, I’d say I’ve felt so many of the negative effects of capitalism. The more I learn about what American “capitalism” / “democracy” actually is, the more I realize how ineffective and damaging it is.
@@alexandraa5424 but what else would we have?? If capitalism isn't good then what is?
@@ZairaBandy keep moving left. Focus on the people Stop the dark money. Be transparent. Actually enact the will of the people not the corporations. The American government fear mongers so much. What they call “socialism” and “communism” isn’t actually true. It’s very nuanced and hard for me to explain in a comment. I would check out Senator Whitehouses’ (so far) 6-part “series” on dark money. Also, watch plastic pills’ newest video called cybersocialism: project cybersin & the CIA coup in Chile. These are two of the things that really opened my eyes.
When Paige says “What I look like is not me.” I’ve never related more. I never understood why people thought I was pretty/prettier than other people.
THIS ^
AA and also don't identify much with my physical self or appearance, but I do feel like I appreciate the fact I carry the DNA of my parents and all my ancestors. (I find all humans quite strange looking).
I can't relate with being immediately judge by looking good (I don't think there's anything special about my looks... Not pretty, not ugly), I do think people would probably try to undermine everything else about you as a way of comforting themselves because they are insecure and they project that in order to make you insecure.
Nothing wrong with being pretty but nothing wrong with ugly either so idk why people compare others toe eachother
@@alliexcx5576 People think if your pretty they can't have any real problems. It changes how people treat you.
I also had to deal with people (family) telling me I was acting "more autistic" after my diagnosis.
Like, NO, Diane.
I simply *finally* feel a bit more free to express myself and be authentic now that you can't tell me I'm "acting autistic" as an insult, because *I'm actually autistic.* 🙄😒
What do they expect? You to act “normal”? Like how confusing that must have been
@@kaylanek1 Like, do these people think a diagnosis is a cure? "Oh wow, you got your diagnosis, so all your autistic traits will be gone now and you'll start acting 'normal'."
@@analuizafelixdesouza6336 Ya like they think that because you know why you act “weird” then you have you’re “cure”
@@kaylanek1 They expect you to act like what they are used to. When someone starts to act different all of a sudden then they don’t expect it.
@@kaylanek1 It’s like if I started acting like a serial killer just because I was diagnosed as a psychopath.
“What I look like is not me.” I remember saying something similar to my therapist! I told her that my brain contains everything that makes me who I am and my body just carries my brain around.
This comment. Oh my gosh could not relate more.
I used to say, "when you interact with me, you are actually interacting with a character I have created."
Your mom is so gracious. I’ve never seen someone take such accountability for their faults before. It warms my heart ❤️
Meanwhile, autistic women in their late 20's and 30's have parents who still dont care to address the issues
I really relate to the "constantly crying child" part and the fact that my dad also yelled at me instead of understanding why I was crying. Now in my twenties, I don't have a good relationship with any of my family because they (mostly my dad) did not create a safe place for the children to share stuff, or come out as autistic, gay, or anything. It's really difficult to fight off the anger when looking back to our childhood as undiagnosed autistics. I also grew up being a massive people-pleaser. Thank you for creating these videos to help us know better about ourselves.
I wish I could have a talk like this with my parents, I still carry so much pain inside me from childhood. I constantly ask myself "why didn't anyone try to help me?" - I struggled so much my whole life but no one thought to say hey, maybe something isn't right with this kid. I couldn't articulate my needs as a child (still can't a lot of the time tbh) so instead I was just left to drown when I know there should've been a liferaft for me to hold on to. It's hard to move on from a lifetime of pain
Do you think/feel that the clause “something isn’t right” is the correct way to think/verbalize about your “condition” (autism) and your environment/world perception?
It seems to me it was precisely the thinking that your behavior/reactions “were not right” that caused you the pain of not being understood and your pain/suffering not properly appreciated(???)… boiling down to lack of empathy which, in turn, felt like lack of love and caring on the parents’ part (??)
🙏✨🌿🌱
As a "pretty" girl, I also got labeled with all the drama queen, attention-seeking stuff. Just constantly be told I was selfish and my father actually berating me for not being popular (wtf?). I Now, suddenly discovering ASD as middle aged woman, it's like everything making sense. Hard to regret not knowing earlier, because luckily have therapist who heard me, and aligns with me saying that I don't need to be "fixed" & don't see that possible during earlier times. Remember as a child having idea that if didn't 'get it together' I would be 'shocked like a dog'... So needless to say, freaking heavily masked life til now! Whatever terror there is digging into this, there's so much relief... And omg, just to let myself feel unbridled goofy JOY over the tiniest of things without shame!!!!
i relate to this so much. proud of you (and all of us)
I feel such a sense of relief, now that I know that I'm truly not a "bad" person because of my frequent faux pas. I so wish I had even considered it before (I'm almost 60, and getting evaluated); So much of my life was wasted hating myself and being lonely. I'm doing my best to maximize what time I have left (I have advanced cancer) finding out and expressing my authentic self.
On my psych evaluation, I remember reading the phrase, “he is joyless.” They told me when they handed the results to me, “don’t kill yourself or something.”
man,, being diagnosed at 18 already feels like I almost maxed out on masking. Can't imagine the amount of stress you've been through to mask until you're a middle aged woman! wow! Glad you're getting to experience the unbridled goofy joy you described. It really makes all the hard times more bearable :)
As far as I know I have spd, but I sometimes think it could be more. I have similar experiences. I was punished harshly as a child. I sometimes wonder what is my mask and what is me.
“I don’t think it was safe for me at 15 to be autistic.” Very much this. I was diagnosed at 18 months old, and I had to walk this fine line of disclosing the fact that I was autistic so people wouldn’t be mad at me, but also hiding that fact because people were mean and judgmental. My relationship with autism has only changed for the better this past year as I’ve learned my strengths and allowed myself to have weaknesses.
This exact thing is why I never told peers I am autistic when I was a kid. I couldn't even tell my Girl Scout peers that when I'm hissing and growling, it means I've gone non-verbal/meltdown and need to be left alone. Led to me being kicked out because I was unwilling to risk being bullied on purpose instead of accidentally.
Now that I'm an adult I'm a bit easier to disclose that I'm autistic. While not officially diagnosed, I went through a diagnosis process when I was 11 that I didn't finish even though it was pretty clear I'd get an Aspergers diagnosis.
Back then I was already being bullied and isolated for being different, I wanted to reject the label in fear of active hostility. Kids and especially teenagers are ruthless...
This makes me sad because ive never been able to have a conversation like this anyone in my family. They all just get defensive over everything and treat me like im a monster when I get upset.
Oh my gosh... You brought up some horrible memories of my childhood. I remember crying and crying and crying and not being able to speak. My parents trying to soothe me, but their touch was so painful I'd cry harder and lash out. I remember them giving up and sending me to my room. I'd just cry harder. I just wanted them to see the pain. I just wanted them to understand, but I didn't even understand myself. I wanted them to tell me what was wrong with me. And most of all I just wanted them to tell me it wasn't my fault. That it wasn't my fault I felt this way, and that they weren't mad at me for crying.
Even though I know they actually were extremely frustrated and upset with me when I was a child. They were only human. They did try their best. They just didn't know. They really didn't know what to do. And I didn't know either.
As a kid, I didn't know the triggers for my meltdowns. I couldn't pinpoint anything, because everything in that moment felt wrong. My clothes were wrong. The lights were wrong. Everything was just wrong wrong wrong wrong.
I wish my parents understood what I know understand about myself. I just wish I could go back and tell them.
And now that I've cried and started processing that trauma, I'm going to go and watch funny youtube videos to completely distract myself from it.
Are you able to talk to your parents now about your experiences? Sounds like it was still a wish two years ago (2024 now; your comment “2 years ago”).
After having a huge blow-up with my own family member today, this brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could have a conversation like this. It was amazing to witness the honesty and love between the two of you.
remember her dad is still not trying to treat her better. It sound like her Dad doesn't care so she experience what ever you experience too so, don't feel alone and hopefully your family understand better in the future.
I hope you're ok 💜 it can be rough having a family difficulty +seeing other families that look nice 😕
I dumped some of my birth family +chose new family members lol
I can hardly hold conversations with my mother about this. I feel your pain so bad
16:50
The bit about being overlooked by both popular kids and unpopular kids is so relatable. I had a few friends at a time but couldn't seem to keep most of them. Id get friend dumped in dramatic ways that I never saw coming.
The ending showed how tough this conversation was for mom. Tears were shed I’m sure. How tough it is, being a parent. Ugh. I refuse to produce. I worry too much about hurting children.
Kids are smart. They know who to go to. They sense who cares for real. And I'm sure you would be attentive enough to at least look into something if your child came home crying every day like Paige. Don't be so hard on yourself!
This convo is so open and honest and raw, i really love this
I want my mom or dad to talk to me like this, or even believe me when I tell them I'm autistic. I love to see this because I've never seen it, thank you!
What a beautiful, raw and transparent conversation. You were both so vulnerable about something that is super emotionally charged. Im so impressed with how well you express yourself, Paige, and I envy your ability to explain nuances so well. I, too, wish you didn’t have to suffer to get to this point, but I am grateful that you chose to use your experience as a platform to do good.
I’m not autistic but I relate so much to the drama Queen thing, it still affects me to this day where I think my problems aren’t valid
Great video. Autism is simply one aspect of determining who you are. "If you have met one individual with autism, you have met one individual with autism." - Stephen Shore
Is it alright if I say "Hmm, yes, the floor here is made out of floor"?
@@EndTH-camShorts_
No, you mis-analogized what the commenter wrote
You're right... Sorry. That was a long time ago. I heard the quote a few times again and I understand that it means you don't know everyone from just meeting one person. Sorry again.
Ok, so as someone both on the spectrum and who thought they were the smartest person in the room (for every room), I can tell you that you are not - but what you are is far, far more valuable.
What's happening is confirmation bias and our tendency to notice things NT people don't. What you don't remember as well is all the times you missed something blindingly obvious to the NT crowd, so the natural conclusion is we're smarter.
If you were just vanilla smart, you could easily be replaced by someone smarter, or by a couple of people that are almost as smart as you.
Instead, you bring insights to the discussion that cannot be replaced by NT people - no matter how smart or how many of them there are. On the other hand, I cannot fully replace a NT person, I'm going to miss things, so you need a balance.
Yes! I was trying to imagine people working together, all on the spectrum, never being able to realize when one is burned out, or when one has stepped on another's toes, or when someone has felt belittled by another. I've done all of these things without having a clue. I'm with you on needing a balance. Reading body language and unspoken cues are important.
I used to think the same, like i'm smarter than all those around me, but it isn't true, as u said, some are smarter in some areas, some in others. A big dumb thing i do is not understand how it's possible for someone to not understand the things I intuitively do, or see things from the same perspective.
I also succumbed to this behavior. It took quite a bit of time to learn differently that we all balance out in the end. I always think that the human brain NT or ND is just not evolved enough to be as important as we think it is.
I really liked this! Valuing each other's differences and how we can work together
@MorgenPeschke
Thank you for your comment 🙏
This is a very feels-right contribution-dialogue of your comment and of the four replies. It seems to me, we are returning to the good-old or not-so-old concept (in school/social setting) of “each person has value”, “let’s be kind to each other”; “hey, that kid is sitting/walking by himself/herself - let’s include them if they want to be included”…
With parenting though it’s more tricky because a parent also is learning how to set boundaries and the child is to learn those boundaries because there needs to be a safe reliable structure… structure… expectations that are understood by all parties.
And such is life that every person is DIFFERENT, and every single one of us is learning how to BE amongst other people, starting with own family.
When my son got diagnosed with Autism I was bewildered about what it was and how to deal with it. I couldn’t talk about it until I learned about it. Paige, your parents probably felt the same way. I found very little information anywhere. Today there is a lot more research out there. Paige you are an incredible young woman. You have a really good handle on who you are and what moves you. You are a beautiful person not only because you are pretty on the surface but because you are caring, kind and you are so open. I know life hasn’t been easy but it does get better as you go along. You have all the control over things and make all your own decisions. Work on what you can change and allow yourself the room to be all that you know you are. Your mom has done what she. Could with the limited knowledge she had about Autism. Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself for things that happen.
i feel like you took what paige said in a negative way, being upset or acknowledging that things were dealt with in a bad way doesn’t take away from the love her mom has for her or the fact she did what she thought was right at the time. You can do your best but that doesn’t mean it is always going to be the best for someone else and that’s ok too, it was better than nothing but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have any negative impact on her. For example: lots of parent get divorced which causes lots of trauma but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t them trying their best.
@@jasminebevan3785 I agree with everything you said. I didn’t mean to be negative but I wanted To point out to them and to those who view Paige’s video to understand the reality even now of how little people understand Autism and how hard it is to find information or help. I would move heaven and earth to make my son’s journey easier but I can’t. I also got a sense of guilt feelings from Paige and her mother. I wanted them to realize there was and is no reason for those feelings. Neither of them was wrong in what they did or felt. Their feelings are real and ok. I know they love each other as my son and I do and as a Counselor I know how feelings of guilt can turn positive to negative. As person and a parent I know of no more destructive feeling than guilt. I have nothing but admiration for Paige and her mom for where Paige is today. I wish them happiness and success always.
Thank you - I only felt your positive vibes. @@richardrosenthal9552
@@richardrosenthal9552 oh yes absolutely no i completely understand what you mean in that sense! i wasn’t trying to dismiss that more just say that sometimes despite everything it’s okay to be a little sad about it even tho it was supposed to be a positive thing and that’s cool too, you sound like a great mother and i’m sure your son is very lucky to have you be so supportive! ☺️
I hope you can be the best parent that you can be like how I hope to be to my future possibly autistic child/ren. Sending good vibes.
This was so vulnerable and honest. Such a great example of having a difficult conversation while staying open and non defensive. Thank you both for modeling this kind of discussion.
You are a good Mom, all of us Moms try our best, Realizing that I am Autistic at 43 years old and having a 23 year old that has struggled her whole life and I didnt know she was autistic brings me much pain. We just didn't know. It took someone noticing my 7 year olds behavior and suggesting that she might be on the spectrum is what it took for us to start researching. And through all the counselors and mental health struggles and misdiagnosis for my older child, we had to come to this conclusion on our own...and still have a long way to go to get a proper diagnosis....we self identify at this point. I appreciate people like you guys who bring light to Autism and education.
However…
Considering that the spectrum has widened and the diagnosis delineations have blurred, IS it important to have the “label” of “autistic” vs recognizing the traits, acknowledging them and being kind to and tolerant with each other?
I am getting worried about the ever expanding label now. More and more people are falling under the umbrella of autism, and I wonder whether in the end the distribution will become normal putting all of us in the famous bell curve of humans with more or fewer foibles, quarks and peculiarities….
Also … the methods of autism research and the what they are studying, and the data manipulation - all that has become suspect in the last 20 years.
The fact that Mom (in the PRIOR interview where Paige is the one asking Qs) is referring to a “medication sooner” is worrying to me.
Because if the stance is “there is nothing wrong with me, I am just autistic”, why medicate?
The medicating is the slippery slope…. 🌿
Best mom ever. Seriously. I wish my mom would give half a shit about me and my diagnosis after 47 years of being in the dark. I’ve literally begged my mom to research autism on my behalf, and she says she will “try” to read more on the subject…..bless you and your mom.
Disassociating... It's so nice to hear from someone exactly what we are going through so we can understand what we do and that we do these things for a reason.
Ass a person with Autism stressful situations seem extremely overwhelming to me. Never give up and keep striving. I’m a drummer and Drumming is my way of stemming. When I first watched your videos I could tell that you have autism wish people understood that it’s not about how you look it’s what’s going on inside
7:15-ish your mama says “you looked for the work” and aimed for 100%, and I was JUST having this conversation with my own mama and journaling about it; this is my own conclusion: It was a product of my misunderstanding NT communication. When I was given assignments, I did what I was told to do. No one explains in an autistic-friendly way what doing your best looks like, or what boundaries look like in that situation, so how was I supposed to do anything differently? I HONESTLY BELIEVED all my peers were supposed to be doing the same thing.
You believed correctly. I don’t think I am autistic. And here is an example: in my 20s I came to this country and started community college not knowing enough English; one of the classes was math, and the teacher gave us a math-problem workbook during the first class. I didn’t understand what the teacher was saying, but I definitely was recognizing all the familiar math problems from grade 7-ish to 10th in my home country; the class was twice a week, so for the second class I brought the homework (the workbook) back to the teacher. He looked at the homework, flipped through all the pages, to the end, said something smiling at me, and the class laughed.
The teacher was saying “you completed the course”. Someone had to translate it to me, and I did not believe this could be true, but he meant it and gave me full credit.
My point is about “doing the work”. If you can, you do the work. The same applied to the rest of my life - I did my work to the fullest, honestly and high-quality. Had to duck in the environment I was in and to trade off “growth and promotions” for autonomy and personal responsibility for the work I did.
Is that autistic? 😃, maybe I should go get checked out? 🥹
Remember: "Different, not less." - Temple Grandin
Eeeek. Kind of counterproductive message coming from that source, unfortunately. :/
This is not something you want to tell an autistic person. We know this. But by telling us this, you are othering us. You wouldn't tell a neurotypical person they are "different, not less", would you?
@@thegaytay4327 All of us are different. Life would be boring if everyone was the same. Different is not a pejorative term.
@@bernardflint9338 It's just a little suspicious when only one group of people gets called different, wouldn't you agree?
Temple Grandin is kinda ableist, just so you know
I cried so much watching this. I relate to both of you - even though I am approaching middle age, I have lived all my life being popular but also being labeled “different/exotic/weird” or told my life is a beautiful place. I have embraced myself but do struggles with my mental health, I am finally seeking a diagnosis of ADHD.
My son has adhd and it wasn’t until I started advocating for him and leaning more that I started realizing that I related to so many of his struggles. As your mom asked what more she could have done, it’s something I ask myself everyday. My son is 10 so he doesn’t know how to answer it yet (I do continue to ask).
To your mom’s credit she is very open to your feelings. I have childhood trauma and my mom always gaslights me when I try to tell her.
You both are beautiful - and yes! The world needs more neurodiverse minds!
Why are you seeking diagnosis 🙏?
I hope you are not seeking medications. That would be a slippery slope 🌿
I relate so much to the words "I feel like you had a preconceived opinion about me before I even was here".
The feeling of helplessness about how you are perceived by caretakers is so frustrating and it causes to dismiss child's concerns because you already "know" they are "just dramatic". Like, no? I think that's one of the worst mistakes people make - narrow their sight to only one option of literal thousands
You could get a shower cap and a swim cap to help with the wet hair situation. :) I aim the shower head low so that I have to back into it to get my hair under it.
OH you might have just helped me understand why I like hard floors and throw rugs. I can sweep and throw the rugs in the wash when they are dirty. :)
This is an amazing idea omfg thank u. When I head Paige talking abt the hating wet hair touching her back thing I got so excited bc I literally have never heard of someone else who does that lmao, I didn't even realize that putting the towel under your hair wasn't normal. Shower cap is genius
okay i just have to say, my english teacher is my best friend, i might not be her best friend but she is mine, and my maths teacher is absolutely the most kind human to exist. I spent a lot more time with my english teacher at lunch and break than with kids my age and i really miss her because she won't be teaching me anymore, and neither will my maths teacher.
I'm glad your mother is there for you and is learning how to help you and interact with you. I just turned 45 and my father told me about a month ago that I was diagnosed autistic before I was 4. They didn't want to send me to a special school or even tell me that I was autistic because they didn't want that you be my "whole identity". I really could have benefited from understanding why I was different from other kids. It makes all the difference.
This video is making me want to finally look for a psych that can assess if I’m on the spectrum. I cried so much as a kid from just being so overwhelmed. My parents and the people around me had similar reactions and I was also the loner at school. Thank you so much for posting this.
Paige, I really truly want to thank you for making this video. It really hit hard and opened my eyes to another perspective on being an autistic child that was misunderstood by their parents.
I'm 21 and also have autism (or Asperger's, since that was my formal diagnosis). My situation is kind of the opposite of yours. When I was little, I always did my own thing, felt totally fine, I did things my way, and that was okay. I was not struggling. However, my mom and dad noticed that I behaved differently from other little kids, and they interpreted that as me struggling, even though I was not. They took me to sooooo many therapists throughout my childhood, and I never understood why. I would ask, and they would tell me "it's because you're different." It made me feel like an alien and I developed extreme self esteem issues. From my perspective growing up, they would send me to psychologists and when they wouldn't diagnose me with anything, it was on to the next one. I was medicated for disorders I never had, and I never got to know why. It all calmed down when I was finally diagnosed with autism when I was 9 years old. My mom and dad read so many books on autism after that, yet it seems like everything they read was just lost on them. It was like as soon as they got the diagnosis they wanted, the subject was dropped. I'm honestly glad that it was, as the journey to get diagnosed in the first place left deep scars. All through the rest of my adolescence, I grew more reclusive and quiet, always afraid that people were looking at me like there was something wrong with me. I was suddenly painfully aware that my social skills were not as great as my peers, and the sensory issues I never thought twice about were not things that most others experienced. I blamed my parents for this trauma for years. I still do not believe that they handled it well. I was fine, I did my own thing, I always had friends, but I did not fit into that binary of what is normal, I did not fit the steps of a child growing up that were printed in my parents baby books. They insisted I needed help with things I did not need or want help with, and that made me afraid to ask for help when I eventually really did need it.
When I got older, I began to angrily confront them about this. I made my feelings clear through the years, they knew how I felt about all the therapy and evaluations, the medications. They knew how wrong I thought they were. My mom would always get very defensive of her actions, and my dad would avoid the conversation. The more I pushed, the more I came to realize that they knew they had handled it wrong for my situation as well. They saw how it all affected me. I came to see that they really were just doing what they thought was best for me. They finally started to listen to me as I told them how I felt about everything that had happened throughout my childhood, and I listened to how they just wanted me to be happy and well.
Now, through all those years, I denied ever having autism for a multitude of reasons. Over the last couple years, I have been on a healing journey and I have finally come to accept this part of myself, and I recently opened up about it to others in my life. I am still uncomfortable talking about it with my parents, but last week, I was out with my mom, and she brought it up, and I did not deny it. I think that is a step in the right direction.
I typed all this out because I think it's profound that the things that my parents did for me (in terms of noticing early that I behaved differently and trying to seek answers, reading up on autism, etc) that I was angry with them for doing are the things that you wish your parents did for you. Knowing that other autistic people out there would have greatly appreciated a lot of what my parents did makes me feel a little less angry about it. My parents did it imperfectly, but they were trying their hardest with the information they were given, which as we know back then wasn't a whole lot.
Thank you for sharing your experience! At 7:20 ... You're acting more autistic once you got the diagnosis ... my friends said the same thing to me. I was diagnosed at 49. I said I'm just not hiding anymore.
Hooray for not hiding! I'm shedding my mask at 54. I feel incredibly light and free.
this reaffirms my autism more now. also I wish my mom could change. I see how hard your mom wants to work with you and not against you.
OH MY GOD PAIGE...hearing you say "pre conceived idea of who i was before i got here...and that person wasn't me"
i finally realized this year that that is exactly the problem with my family and me too...they definitely love me, i just feel like they love a version of me that isnt real and are constantly disappointed and frustrated that im not that
We do the best we can with the information we are given. It happens a lot. I think this a big reason why Autism awareness is so important.
I feel you are so lucky to have gotten your diagnosis at 15. Your mom is much better than most.
I didn't catch the first video with your mom. I clicked this thinking it was gonna be mostly cute, nice recollections from your younger life. But this got in it deep and honestly, I like that better. I appreciate the frankness of the conversation. Even as an adult I find it so taxing to try to talk to my parents about my mental state, past or present. You reminded me the importance of being direct.
Wow, I need to show this to my son. He’s 23 and he is Autistic and he feels so many of the things that you and your mum talked about as well. I’ve never felt this related/understandable?…..to another parent & Autistic child/young adult .
Eye opening. Thank you both for sharing your incredible insight!
♥️
Your mom is doing such a great job. How wonderful that you have a parent that is so open to discussion and willing to grow.
You and your Mom are quite the dynamic duo.
I absolutely love how this wonderful mother can put ego to one side and truly listen to her daughter ❤
I love what you said about friends in high school. I love that honesty that you weren’t going to be friends with people you wouldn’t be friends with. It blew my mind. Most people do just that.
yeah, it is bittersweet when you get the diagnosis... it's lovely being a part of a supportive community, but now you have the label and that can feel condemning in moments. the process of acceptance is interesting. thanks for sharing this conversation, it's so comforting to see the shared vulnerability.
holy cow the first part of this video just like... hit me, the genuine yet odd compliment of "i like the way your glasses reflect the light" and the neurotypical understanding of "oh, that is a bad thing that you are secretly hinting at, should I take them off?"
Love how you two can talk so openly!
My mother's a narc with Bpd so no chance of ever having this 😬
I love everything about this and you. thank you for being such a light in this world and spreading good❤️
i love this so much. i wish my mom was here so i could have this conversation with her, but for now, this gives me all the comfort i needed.
I just want to say thank you Paige for making all the content you do! It’s helped me so much in understanding and learning new things about autism. My son is 4 and is close to getting his diagnosis and it’s been fascinating learning about all of this. Keep doing what you’re doing!❤️
The emotional honesty of this conversation is beautiful. True strength. 💛
I love the raw content! Respectful conversation even with differing views is so important!
this was so beautiful and genuine, thank you both :)
I love how the two of you interact. I think both of you show so much love and grace to each other. Two beautiful souls. Thank you for sharing who you are so others can learn. 💕
I went to the same school school as you. Im younger than you but i used to see you near the common area a lot, I always seemed to see you helping out eoth something. You seemed so “normal” and “perfect” to me, at the time, I even used to just wish i could be like you because i thought YOU had tons of friends.
I guess it really shows how much you never know whats going on behind the scenes for someone.
but ive had a simillar experience. Ive always felt different and weird and my brain just doesnt think the same as anyone ive ever met before. I never had a best friend and ive been called a cry baby my whole life, i never understood why until i started watching your videos. Wether or not i get diagnosed with something someday. You give me a sense of “im not alone” in times when i feel like ill never be ok and no one could ever understand what im feeling/thinking. You are so inspiring and i feel like the more you are unapologetically yourself, the more you teach the people around you how refreshing it feels to just let go of norms and expectations. I just really want you to know i think you are amazing at sharing your truth! 💗
I literally love these talks because it makes me feel seen and heard because i know something's up with me and i share a lot of the same traits that paige mentions and it feels like no one gets me but these make me feel better. thank you paige and thanks paige's mum :)
OMG! The wet hair on your back thing is something I've always struggled with. I HATE my wet hair touching my back. I had a roommate in college that would get out of the shower, put her clothes on, and let her soaking wet hair air dry while making her back all wet. Just seeing her do that made me uncomfortable. I'm glad I'm not the only one that experiences that!
I resonated with so much of this. The showering, the driving. All of it, really. It is a bit of relief knowing that other people have the same experience.
Thank you for this video. I’m 17 male diagnosed at 14 and just wanted to thank the both of you for making this video because I connected with a lot you said
Wow the first thing you said, that your mom had preconceived notions of you being a certain way before you were even born, and you weren't that way...that's how I felt throughout my childhood, like I never fit into what my parents thought I was supposed to be. It's a struggle even to this day due to me not becoming super successful
This was incredible to me for more reasons than I can even list. Thank you. I hope there will be more videos with you both.
these videos with your mum always make me emotional, i thinking seeing how someone elses mum cares so much about what theyre going through with being autistic really hits me where it hurts. my mum has been told that i could have autism and needed to be tested by my therapist about 3 months ago but it was never bought up again by her, i wish someone cared about me like your mum cares about you.
i love these videos those
I’ve had very similar conversations with my daughter, and this was very helpful. I hope your mom can let go of any guilt she may have, and I hope you can feel seen and validated in every way you need. Thank you both for being so vulnerable. Sending love from NC… Kat
Paige, I have had very similar conversations with my mom post-diagnosis. So many tears, so many disappointments and so much love. Thank you for alloweing us into such vulnerable conversation. Much love from Montreal xxx
These little talks are so nice to see. People disagreeing and still being kind, asking for clarification, and answering questions a lot of people have.
I love this discussion. It’s honest, raw, and showing that’s it’s okay to disagree and still have a healthy relationship is inspiring
Love your honesty 💛💛💛 Thank you for making these videos!!
I really like how you expressed your authentic thoughts and feelings in this video.
Thank you for doing this
My Daughter is 22 we knew about ADHD but it’s so clear now she is Autistic because of me seeing your you tube videos. Paige you are exactly like my daughter from the wet hair anxiety younger brother
Listening to you is like listening to her. I have shared your videos with her:
I hope it brings her some peace and I hope it brings you some peace that you have opened up my awareness:
Everything about my child makes sense now ❤️
im so stoned having breakfast. hearing you guys share this intimate moment is making me so happy! I love how you speak and I love how you guys can communicate in such a healthy manner.
The way you speak about your college experience and relationship with your brother is too flipping relatable. Only I have a sister
YAY UR MOM IS BACK
This is such a dope idea
I love the dialogue between you two, you talk so openly about the things that negatively effected you due to what they didn’t know, what they did that harmed you, and your mom doesn’t take offense to it, she listens and has learned how she can do better to help you now
Paige it’s really nice to see your open conversations and I think how your mom was my mom is right now and it’s nice to see that even ow your mom was dismissive and brushed it off and was less interested? (Not sure if that’s the right word) and how your relationship has evolved and changed. It’s clear that you still have hurt, and your mom still has hurt and it’s good to see that you are allowed to feel how you feel without needing to make the other feel better and you’ve both excepted that hurt was inflicted and it was difficult. I’m still in that stage so seeing that you have these conversations with our it turning into a screaming crying match gives me some hope. Thank you. It’s really hard to have family especially your mom not understand or believe it or support it. You deserved better and everyone who also went through this.. we all deserve better
I love the realness and it’s refreshing to see someone else see what I’ve been through for so long.
I just discovered your channel and I really appreciate your openness about your challenges being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world. I am in the process of being diagnosed in my 50’s and I have even more of my life to look back on and reflect on the shame and frustration and hurt that I experienced. Had I known sooner and had neurodiversity been understood the way it is today, my life could have been so much more fulfilling and enjoyable.
Your mum is amazing, I am in Italy and am watching all the videos. How brave of your mum to put herself and her own emotions out there in order to help you and help others. I applaud her ability to be bigger than her feelings. Yay mum. Keep up the good work. BTW we just got our nearly 15 y.o. daughter's diagnosis on friday as being on the spectrum HFA, and all your mother daughter talks helped me ten-fold. I too looking back wished our 12 year battle of looking for the right fit diagnosis came sooner so we could have been more helpful in our parenting, but at least it came. Better late than not at all.
This was a really good perspective from an honest conversation. I’m exhausted from people using their kids on media and putting out false insight. It’s beautiful to see how your mom has grown from educating herself and letting go of stigma so she can truly be there for you on the level you need. My parents are in their 70’s and have also educated themselves on my disabilities and disorders, it’s a gift to have family that supports you 💕 I have many friends who don’t have that luxury and finding others in your community has helped me even further my growth, I really believe that having support saves people
Thank you for having your mom in another video, and thank you to your mom for being in another video. These really make me want to do the same with my mom and with my family because I want to know more and I want them to be able to know what they want to know, but I still struggle with feeling like I shouldn’t because I’m not diagnosed and that makes it feel like it would be misplaced or maybe somehow dishonest with them, even though I’m very sure I’m autistic and every test I’ve ever done online has placed me WAY beyond the “diagnosable” threshold, enough that I should consider that there may be some validity to them even though when taken online they’re not diagnostic tools. Which objectively I think just paints the picture all that much more clearly, but I still reject that because it’s not an official diagnosis and it’s not from a sanctioned professional - which again just paints the picture that much more clearly.
Still, thank you for your videos. I also enjoyed your mom’s video of you in the pool walking around keeping your hair off your back. That’s such a real, genuine, honest thing because it’s not a performance, it’s just plain, ordinary real life as it really happens. It makes it easier to understand that no, autism isn’t really easy to deal with in a neurotypical world. It’s hard, all the time, and for reasons that just don’t make sense to other people.
that little bit about 'people show they care in different ways' and your response is VERY ME AT MY MUM TOO
My mother used to yell at my for crying and told me to stop trying to get attention and it was literally heartbreaking because I could not control it. I was very good at masking and they thought I was ADHD and should be able to function just fine. Now I’m an autism mommy to a semi-low functioning son and I’m glad I went through what I did. I feel like I’m the only person who understands him sometimes, but that’s okay. We’re in this life together 💕
Thank you again for another great video Paige and Paige's Mum! ☺ Regarding the 2nd question (and realising that everyone's situation is different following diagnosis), I think giving the autistic person self-determination over how they want or do not want others to know about their diagnosis can be really empowering. All people should be in control of what they reveal to the World about themselves and how they decide to reveal themselves.
It is beautiful to witness such an open and honest conversation. You can really feel and see that they respect each other not only as mother or daughter but as human beings. They did and are still doing a lot of learning and growing together. What a beautiful gift❤️
wow, this was absolutely eye opening to see… i just have to say that whatever problems you have been through, when i try o speak to my mom about things similar to this she wont listen and just gets defensive. thanks you for sharing something so vulnerable and meaningful. sending love xx
There’s a lot of assumptions against how she perceived people will react to her… I’ve learned I have to at least give people a chance. I used to be always alone. And didn’t understand why I didn’t have friends. I didn’t understand social cues. I become a communication major just to understand other people in hopes that I’d be able to make connections with other people and even less lonely. There’s people out there who care and are willing to listen and understand, they just need to be given the chance.
thank you so much for this video paige. i relapsed with my self-harm recently after going back to in-person school and ending up feeling overwhelmed at how isolated and alienated i am as an autistic non-binary person struggling with mental illness, on my own at a huge party college. as much as my mom loves me, she doesn’t make much effort to understand the things i go through and doesn’t try to offer help unless i explicitly ask for it, which is extremely difficult for me. now and at times in the past, i’ve cried out for help in many ways, and i wish my parents could pick up on that.
i also talk to my mom in a similar way! i try to maintain eye contact with people i don’t know well but i feel comfortable not making eye contact when talking to my mom because she doesn’t mind. i’m not able to have these conversations with her, though.
thank you for everything you do paige!!
This conversation really made my stomach feel heavy. It’s so similar to a conversation I had with my mom a few weeks ago, even down to my mom expressing that she wishes she’d known more so she could’ve done more for me. And me telling her not to get caught up in all the what-ifs. I know she did the best she could with what she was given from her own parents and her own experiences growing up, and that while yeah I wish things had been different, that I didn’t have to struggle as much as I did, I don’t put the blame for all that on her. At least now that I’m capable of communicating my needs and struggles better, she’s always open and willing to not just listen, but to do whatever I need from her to support me better. I really relate to the part of feeling guilty for needing so much from my parents, that I’m taking away from my brothers, or just that I never stop asking for more from my parents. Having these honest conversations while keeping them from being arguments or opportunities to blame each other, being vulnerable and not defensive, it’s really difficult
I can relate with you a lot... I am happy for you that your mom is more understanding now. I hope that in the future my parents can be too. This video makes me feel better tho
I love this! Also the water/wet/hair etc. thing is so relatable!!!!
god i wish my parents are as understanding and thoughtful as this. i hope that they can become this understanding and thoughtful in the future
Thank you for doing this video, all your videos really, I gave this a thumbs up and subbed. This one is too hard for me to watch in full. It just hits too close to home for my childhood, it's painful for me. But the fact it connects like it does is very meaningful to me, since I only just found out I'm autistic, and I'm already a "grown up" with my own kids - hearing from others with similar stories is helping me to feel inside that what I went through as a kid wasn't because I was bad, or high-needs, or weird, or a freak like the other kids told me, I was just a perfectly good autistic kid struggling in an entire school full of allistic kids who didn't understand or accommodate me.
At Paige Layle. Thank you for your content. I was recently diagnosed as autistic. I am starting to understand myself better thanks to your videos on the subject of autism.
your conversation about your brother Graham hit me hard. I am a sibling of an autistic person who lacks substantial verbal ability, and I wish they had the ability to ask me at any point if i needed anything and to let me know that THEY were aware "it's not all about me". i am glad you were able to do that for your brother and that, as you say, he is alright and is chill. i think my childhood, in my own way, was as difficult and traumatic as my sibling's. i sure wished i had gotten that kind of validation from my sibling, like how you had given to your brother