Sending a lot of love. I could hear your pain. I know my opinion doesn't count for much, but I support your decision to minimize contact with them. Sometimes we need to do things in order to take care of ourselves, and only we can say what they are.
I too had strikingly similar experiences with very similar parents I find my own delayed processing really challenging when dealing with my mother in the present day because, like your dad, she prepares huge monolgues and its so much to try to take in. I actually shut down around her like i did as a kid.. i gave up trying at anything as a really young child. Having no autonomy or privacy and being blamed constantly for my own abuse killed my curiosity and interests long before i finished primary school Now i have to re-live my abuse whenever she is around through observing the effects of three decades of abuse on my step dad. He has no personality any more, no confidemce, he jumps and recoils whenever she speaks, he's not allowed to have relationships with his own children and grand children, he's not allowed to do anything that isn't for her. She has him doing all the housework and maintenance of their ridiculously manicured homes and she sells and moves home constantly because she falls out with all her neighbours over and over I just cannot bear it 💔 but I also do not know how to break off all communication with her I've come to the point of realising that there is no meaningful difference between neuro-typical parents who don't understand their children and undiagnosed ND parents who are masking their challenges: the ND parents are not trying to have any kind of authentic experience but are entirely absorbed in trying to appear NT. The trauma is the same. And I'm no longer interested in trying to describe my parents' challenges and identities. Coming to understand my own neurodivergence took a long hard journey of self inspection and it's something that's brought me huge relief and self compassion, something I feel I have earned. I could excuse and explain away the toxic parenting I endured by gifting my parents that same label but I will not. If they ever decide to start looking inward and go on a similar journey, that would be hugely healing for me and I would gladly stand by their side. But they have to do the work. Until then, as far as I'm concerned they are NT, despite displaying many many ND traits, and plainly & simply abusive parents who chose masking and their own generational trauma over nurturing their children. I broke that chain and refused to pass those toxic behaviours on. I never wanted children and I nurture a truly loving and supportive relationship with my partner who does the same ♥️ Thank you for sharing x
Thanks for taking the time to comment ❤️ it sounds like you also had a terrible experience with your parents... at least it's comforting to see that we're not alone ❤️ I feel like we're in a similar place in our journey. I hope you'll find a way to shield yourself from all this toxicity! It takes time but it's well worth it :) Best of luck x
Payne, I really appreciate you putting this out here and relate very strongly to these childhood experiences in general and many things specifically also.
I tried to share my diagnosis with my mom, and it didn't go well at all. She was mad and denied my diagnosis. I'm sure she is also ND, and it challenges her daily life greatly. I was hoping it would help her, but instead, it pissed her off.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences with abuse...most of these sound similar to my own growing up, especially since it's the kind of abuse that is not as noticeable on the outside. I especially related to the part where you've mentioned how your parents will talk badly about each other & your partner to you. Mine do the same, but I also have siblings and my parents would constantly compare us to each other or say things "dont be like your sister because she did this" or "you know, your sister was able to do it, why can't you?" There's many other things, of course, but i just want to say how sad it is that the kinds of abuse you, me, and many others have gone through are so invisible to everyone- even to the point of potentially not realizing it happened to you until way later
Yes having siblings in these kinds of family situations just adds another layer doesn’t it… do you know about the golden/scapegoat/invisible child theory? You might find it relatable. As an only child myself, I experienced being all 3 at different times…
I just have to say that your story was so relatable. I am so sorry you were treated in such a bad way. I am 54 yo and still get panic attacks when I know my mother is visiting. I can relate to not being able to express your own interests and that feeling of being a disappointment to your parents because no matter how hard you try to be who they want you to be you will always feel like a loser, and somehow you can just sense they don’t appreciate your true self. My oldest daughter is 25 yo and struggling with Autism and unable to work. We live in NYS and still waiting for her to get government assistance financially. I have not watched any more of your video’s yet, but I think I’m going to.
I am sorry to hear you suffered this way. I am still in shock at how similar our stories are. Healing from this abuse takes a lot of time and determination. I wish you luck as you continue on in your healing journey
My Father was physically abusive. Also hidden. One day my Mother caught him in the act (when she heard me screaming, 5yo) and not long after that they separated to my best knowledge. I was also bullied both verbally and physically throughout most of my school years. Then bullied again for about 12 years throughout my marriage.
Even when kids do tell someone that their parents are hurting them, not much is done. I told...mom would lie....nothing would happen to help my situation. She wouldn't even go to the free classes that were offered. As an adult, I see that there is nothing that can be done anyway. If the child is taken and put into foster care, they are usually abused there too. I did however learn to have a heart for kids. I love working with kids now. I know how hard it is to be a child.
Im glad you have managed to pull away from them, your parents sound truly evil... and from what you said about your partner it sounds like they are a really good person I'm glad you have someone you can be yourself around. I am also late diagnosed, my parents were not directly abusive like yours are but there was a lot of emotional neglect especially from my dad. I have not talked to him in years and seemingly he doesn't care or mind. Sometimes I think about trying to reach out, I have tried in the past, but the main issue is it feels like he just doesn't think about me or care about me so it feels pointless to try when what I actually want is for him to reach out to me to show he cares about how I'm doing. You were talking about maybe sending your dad an email but I think it sorta similar. What actually needs to happen is for them to change and actually care about you. If that happened you wouldn't need to send an email because they would apologize on their own and realize how abusive they have been, but likely that will never happen and you sending an email will very likely not change that.
I'm sure this was a difficult video to make and I hope it didn't ruin the rest of your day too badly. As a fellow late diagnosed autistic, I empathize with your feelings, even if my experiences were different. Not that my opinion matters; but I support and respect you setting boundaries with your parents. They treated you horribly and don't deserve to have a relationship with you. I have a lot of feelings about what I just watched, but can't put them into words. So instead I'll just say; thank you for sharing, and I wish you well on your autistic journey. 💜
I think that both of my parents are probably autistic and they were very abusive. They weren't narcissistic. I left home at age 15. I don't speak to my father because he is a pervert. I last spoke to him in 1998. It is the right decision not to talk to him. Everyone has to decide for themselves what us right for their situation. People will try to guilt trip you. But you know what is right for you.
@@paunesjourney I also relate about what you said about my needs being seen as unreasonable. My trauma and other mental health issues hid my autism for many years. My age also kept me from being diagnosed when I was younger. I got diagnosed at age 47. Last year.
ThereminTrees put out a two-part series called "my cluster B parent died and I felt.... nothing much". I wonder if it would be cathartic for you to see it.
Like just the minor detail that you gave about your dad is enough for me to know what kind of person he is and how you feel abt him cuz, Im also autistic and my Dad is also extremely mentally and physically abusive, he is well known for his anger issues and he always humiliates me and treat me like shit for the way I am and literally adore my elder brother like a prince cuz he is smart , fun and outgoing. At first I thought he is a narcissist and apply golden child theory and Im a goatscape of this dysfunctional family and thats why they would never accept me but now after knowing that Im actually autistic and hearing the same about your dad too makes me think he can be Autistic too . What do you think.
Thanks for leaving a comment. I'm afraid it's not my place to tell you whether or not you're father's autistic; all I can say is he sounds quite toxic from what you said, and him being autistic won't change that or excuse his behaviours in any way. It's possible for someone to be both autistic and a narcissist; one doesn't exclude the other. I'm not saying that's what you meant but I'd like to emphasise that autism should *never* be an excuse for abuse.
I agree that what makes it so difficult as an autistic person is our trouble understanding the world. I didn't understand that other people didn't experience what I experienced. I didn't know that other children felt safe and loved and that I was supposed to be feeling that. How could we tell people that we don't feel safe and loved if we don't know that's a "normal" thing to feel?
Thank you for sharing your story. I have SDAM and I only know a few things from my childhood, I'm currently trying to figure myself out and work through some of the trauma. I'm currently wondering if I am PDA - I have 4 children and all 3 of my girls are either autistic, adhd or both
5:13 Food for thought: was it really about her needs and wants, or just making sure that her mask never slipped and the fear that the NTs would eat her alive if it did (or if yours did)?
5:18 My hunch is that she was disappointed that *she* was never the perfect little girl she thought she was obligated to be, and that her sights were then set on at least raising that little girl, and then that didn't happen either.
Children don't owe their parents anything. Parents owe their children everything.
Sending a lot of love. I could hear your pain. I know my opinion doesn't count for much, but I support your decision to minimize contact with them. Sometimes we need to do things in order to take care of ourselves, and only we can say what they are.
I too had strikingly similar experiences with very similar parents
I find my own delayed processing really challenging when dealing with my mother in the present day because, like your dad, she prepares huge monolgues and its so much to try to take in. I actually shut down around her like i did as a kid.. i gave up trying at anything as a really young child. Having no autonomy or privacy and being blamed constantly for my own abuse killed my curiosity and interests long before i finished primary school
Now i have to re-live my abuse whenever she is around through observing the effects of three decades of abuse on my step dad. He has no personality any more, no confidemce, he jumps and recoils whenever she speaks, he's not allowed to have relationships with his own children and grand children, he's not allowed to do anything that isn't for her. She has him doing all the housework and maintenance of their ridiculously manicured homes and she sells and moves home constantly because she falls out with all her neighbours over and over
I just cannot bear it 💔 but I also do not know how to break off all communication with her
I've come to the point of realising that there is no meaningful difference between neuro-typical parents who don't understand their children and undiagnosed ND parents who are masking their challenges: the ND parents are not trying to have any kind of authentic experience but are entirely absorbed in trying to appear NT. The trauma is the same. And I'm no longer interested in trying to describe my parents' challenges and identities. Coming to understand my own neurodivergence took a long hard journey of self inspection and it's something that's brought me huge relief and self compassion, something I feel I have earned. I could excuse and explain away the toxic parenting I endured by gifting my parents that same label but I will not. If they ever decide to start looking inward and go on a similar journey, that would be hugely healing for me and I would gladly stand by their side. But they have to do the work. Until then, as far as I'm concerned they are NT, despite displaying many many ND traits, and plainly & simply abusive parents who chose masking and their own generational trauma over nurturing their children. I broke that chain and refused to pass those toxic behaviours on. I never wanted children and I nurture a truly loving and supportive relationship with my partner who does the same ♥️
Thank you for sharing x
Thanks for taking the time to comment ❤️ it sounds like you also had a terrible experience with your parents... at least it's comforting to see that we're not alone ❤️ I feel like we're in a similar place in our journey. I hope you'll find a way to shield yourself from all this toxicity! It takes time but it's well worth it :) Best of luck x
@@paunesjourney bless you, I wish you the very best too 💕
Payne, I really appreciate you putting this out here and relate very strongly to these childhood experiences in general and many things specifically also.
Wow, sorry Paune, I had not noticed that autocorrect misspelled your name ❤️
I tried to share my diagnosis with my mom, and it didn't go well at all. She was mad and denied my diagnosis. I'm sure she is also ND, and it challenges her daily life greatly. I was hoping it would help her, but instead, it pissed her off.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences with abuse...most of these sound similar to my own growing up, especially since it's the kind of abuse that is not as noticeable on the outside.
I especially related to the part where you've mentioned how your parents will talk badly about each other & your partner to you. Mine do the same, but I also have siblings and my parents would constantly compare us to each other or say things "dont be like your sister because she did this" or "you know, your sister was able to do it, why can't you?"
There's many other things, of course, but i just want to say how sad it is that the kinds of abuse you, me, and many others have gone through are so invisible to everyone- even to the point of potentially not realizing it happened to you until way later
Yes having siblings in these kinds of family situations just adds another layer doesn’t it… do you know about the golden/scapegoat/invisible child theory? You might find it relatable. As an only child myself, I experienced being all 3 at different times…
I just have to say that your story was so relatable. I am so sorry you were treated in such a bad way. I am 54 yo and still get panic attacks when I know my mother is visiting. I can relate to not being able to express your own interests and that feeling of being a disappointment to your parents because no matter how hard you try to be who they want you to be you will always feel like a loser, and somehow you can just sense they don’t appreciate your true self. My oldest daughter is 25 yo and struggling with Autism and unable to work. We live in NYS and still waiting for her to get government assistance financially. I have not watched any more of your video’s yet, but I think I’m going to.
Exactly 💯 hope your daughter can get the support she needs soon ♥️
I am sorry to hear you suffered this way. I am still in shock at how similar our stories are. Healing from this abuse takes a lot of time and determination. I wish you luck as you continue on in your healing journey
Thank you 🙏 you too!
My Father was physically abusive. Also hidden. One day my Mother caught him in the act (when she heard me screaming, 5yo) and not long after that they separated to my best knowledge. I was also bullied both verbally and physically throughout most of my school years. Then bullied again for about 12 years throughout my marriage.
Even when kids do tell someone that their parents are hurting them, not much is done. I told...mom would lie....nothing would happen to help my situation. She wouldn't even go to the free classes that were offered. As an adult, I see that there is nothing that can be done anyway. If the child is taken and put into foster care, they are usually abused there too. I did however learn to have a heart for kids. I love working with kids now. I know how hard it is to be a child.
Im glad you have managed to pull away from them, your parents sound truly evil... and from what you said about your partner it sounds like they are a really good person I'm glad you have someone you can be yourself around.
I am also late diagnosed, my parents were not directly abusive like yours are but there was a lot of emotional neglect especially from my dad. I have not talked to him in years and seemingly he doesn't care or mind. Sometimes I think about trying to reach out, I have tried in the past, but the main issue is it feels like he just doesn't think about me or care about me so it feels pointless to try when what I actually want is for him to reach out to me to show he cares about how I'm doing. You were talking about maybe sending your dad an email but I think it sorta similar. What actually needs to happen is for them to change and actually care about you. If that happened you wouldn't need to send an email because they would apologize on their own and realize how abusive they have been, but likely that will never happen and you sending an email will very likely not change that.
I agree ♥️ the ball is in their court now.
I'm sure this was a difficult video to make and I hope it didn't ruin the rest of your day too badly. As a fellow late diagnosed autistic, I empathize with your feelings, even if my experiences were different. Not that my opinion matters; but I support and respect you setting boundaries with your parents. They treated you horribly and don't deserve to have a relationship with you.
I have a lot of feelings about what I just watched, but can't put them into words. So instead I'll just say; thank you for sharing, and I wish you well on your autistic journey. 💜
Thank you so much ♥️ it was indeed a tough video to make and it took me a few days to recover from it, but I think it’s well worth it 😊
I think that both of my parents are probably autistic and they were very abusive. They weren't narcissistic. I left home at age 15. I don't speak to my father because he is a pervert. I last spoke to him in 1998. It is the right decision not to talk to him.
Everyone has to decide for themselves what us right for their situation. People will try to guilt trip you. But you know what is right for you.
💯
@@paunesjourney I also relate about what you said about my needs being seen as unreasonable.
My trauma and other mental health issues hid my autism for many years. My age also kept me from being diagnosed when I was younger. I got diagnosed at age 47. Last year.
ThereminTrees put out a two-part series called "my cluster B parent died and I felt.... nothing much". I wonder if it would be cathartic for you to see it.
Like just the minor detail that you gave about your dad is enough for me to know what kind of person he is and how you feel abt him cuz, Im also autistic and my Dad is also extremely mentally and physically abusive, he is well known for his anger issues and he always humiliates me and treat me like shit for the way I am and literally adore my elder brother like a prince cuz he is smart , fun and outgoing. At first I thought he is a narcissist and apply golden child theory and Im a goatscape of this dysfunctional family and thats why they would never accept me but now after knowing that Im actually autistic and hearing the same about your dad too makes me think he can be Autistic too . What do you think.
Thanks for leaving a comment. I'm afraid it's not my place to tell you whether or not you're father's autistic; all I can say is he sounds quite toxic from what you said, and him being autistic won't change that or excuse his behaviours in any way. It's possible for someone to be both autistic and a narcissist; one doesn't exclude the other. I'm not saying that's what you meant but I'd like to emphasise that autism should *never* be an excuse for abuse.
I agree that what makes it so difficult as an autistic person is our trouble understanding the world. I didn't understand that other people didn't experience what I experienced. I didn't know that other children felt safe and loved and that I was supposed to be feeling that. How could we tell people that we don't feel safe and loved if we don't know that's a "normal" thing to feel?
Exactly 💯
Determined: A science of life without free will. Robert Sapolsky.
The ear thing hurts so much, especially when they twist it and pull you to where they want you to go
Thank you for sharing your story. I have SDAM and I only know a few things from my childhood, I'm currently trying to figure myself out and work through some of the trauma. I'm currently wondering if I am PDA - I have 4 children and all 3 of my girls are either autistic, adhd or both
Sounds like we had the same childhood. Check out my just released book, "Living With Autism Undiagnosed "
Just added to my reading list 🙌 thanks for the recommendation 😊
@@paunesjourney wow, awesome! Looking forward to your feedback ♥
4:53 This sounds like a very bad case of masking.
5:13 Food for thought: was it really about her needs and wants, or just making sure that her mask never slipped and the fear that the NTs would eat her alive if it did (or if yours did)?
5:18 My hunch is that she was disappointed that *she* was never the perfect little girl she thought she was obligated to be, and that her sights were then set on at least raising that little girl, and then that didn't happen either.