Thanks for sharing this video. My mum is a controlling person. She didn't want me to marry my first husband and she started on me again when I met and married my 2nd husband. I'm so proud of your strength and ability to talk sense about family and the ties. Take care Suzanne
Thanks for the french content creator recs! I had no idea of the french accronyms TSA and TDAH i thought it was new concepts 🙈 i have only seen english and swedish resources and sweden uses the same accronyms as english
Take it from a person whose parents died long ago: despite everything, being grateful is the key to a better, fulfilling life. Be grateful for all the nice moments you had, and will have in the future. But especially be grateful for all the misery you encountered. They enabled you to learn and grow. By doing so, old negative emotions turn into positive moments, and stop haunting you. So, be grateful for your parents who made this possible by giving birth to you. A pure act of love. See it this way, du moment où tu es né, YOUR journey started, and you alone decide who is traveling with you and for what purpose. Your parents, family walk their own journey. Bon voyage.
Thank you for sharing these parts of your story Paune. I have said before that I relate to a lot of your experiences. My parents were less obvious, more subtle, but that is why I felt so confused all the time growing up. That and the naivety of being a child and not knowing any different, not knowing the way I got treated was wrong. I never got to realise and learn about narcissism in their lifetime.
Honestly it might not seem like it because of the way I talk about it after years of processing, but it was pretty subtle in my case too (it was part of the manipulation, otherwise someone might have done something about it) and I also had no idea what was going on… I was convinced I had the best parents and most perfect childhood. I felt so lucky I used to tell myself “prepare yourself, your luck’s going to turn, you’ve been too lucky”. I never would have figured it out had I not met my healthy partner who lived in another country when I was 18, and taken some distance from my parents… it was when I started having panic attacks whenever visiting them that I realised my body was trying to tell me something 😅 I’m forever grateful that things unfolded the way they did and I didn’t meet the wrong people, who might have perpetuated the cycle of abuse and kept me from realising the truth… I’m sorry you weren’t able to realise these things while your parents were still around, but hopefully you can still find some peace now ♥️
@@paunesjourney thank you 🙏 my parents died in 1997 and 1999. I’m much older than you, Paune, and my parents were born in the late 1920’s. They were old enough to have been my (young) grandparents. My sister is old enough to be my mum.
I feel like people who say stuff like 'everyone masks' and 'everyone's a little Autistic' or 'we are all on the spectrum'... probably are Autistic. NT people don't even consider the Autistic spectrum as anything to do with them. Those people will just say 'oh well that makes a lot of sense'. I highly suspect that my Mother is Autistic and she thanked me for diagnosing her at 80yo. My partner on the other hand... she's has uttered the words 'we are all on the spectrum'. Salt on the wound and twisting the knife are both accurate. I believe that the only way to fix a (covert) narcissistic relationship is to end it with no contact. I'm not sure that there is any hope for it getting better. My X-Narcissist Wife turned some of my own Family members against me with her manipulative lies and I haven't spoken to them for over 10 years. After we separated she emailed all of our friends (I only found out years later when I bumped into an old friend and I mentioned that everyone ghosted me, and she said to me "What did you expect after what you did?" to which I had no idea what she was talking about, and she showed me the email) and spun lies to hurt me and turn everyone against me. I was so hurt from the break up and went into shutdown, so all of her lies worked because they were only told from one side. I tried for 10 years to understand why she did the things she did. The only conclusion I could come to was because I was fuelling her behaviour by way of enabling it. Because I was an easy target, and I was easily hurt by it. And that's quite possibly why you are their everything because without you they've got nobody to manipulate, until the next fool comes along. There was a woman in Australia recently who was feeding her husband poisonous mushrooms in order to control him (I'm guessing, either that or kill him) by making him sick. She tried the same thing with her in-laws and because they were old she accidentally killed them including another relative. And overseas, domestic helpers often (I know from word of mouth) feed their employees menstrual blood in their food because it makes them 'calmer', more controllable rather than controlling.
Perhaps this is too bold. But maybe it’s helpful?? I can’t decide…. It sounds like your mother in law just takes a long time to process, but will process it on her own eventually - I know that waiting period can be very frustrating, but I’m not sure if there is much you can do to hurry the process along. It sounds like there are many many layers for her to work through before things are going to click for her. And in the meantime, I imagine it’s really triggering, not only because of RSD, but I think you’ve mentioned your parents are narcissistic, and it makes a lot of sense that disagreeing on a fundamental truth of reality would trigger old feelings from gaslighting or having to placate whatever false reality a narc parent is forcing on the people around them. The intent is very different, but it makes sense it feels the same.
The good and the bad news is if it took your mother in law a while to accept the ADHD it might take a while for her to accept the autism. The bad news is it might take a while. The good news is she has a fair chance of accepting it in the future.
It might be the case that she isnt autistic, so bear that in mind. I understand that it is quite common for people like us to be tempted to analyse and diagnose others. There is a tendency to see autism everywhere once we are diagnosed. It could simply be the case she is neurotypical but lacking empathy or tact and that is why she says hurtful things. That said, it isnt acceptable for her to be invalidating either of you or your formal diagnosis.
Of course I’m not saying she’s definitely autistic, but I’ve known her for 8.5 years and both my partner and I see a lot of traits in her. She’s admitted recognising herself in the traits as well. Genetics being a major factor in autism, there’s a good chance she might be autistic since her son was just diagnosed. She doesn’t strike me as someone with a lack of empathy, I genuinely believe she’s not always aware of the impact of her words. While I agree it’s not okay to invalidate someone else’s diagnosis, I’m not sure she realises that’s what she’s doing. I think it’s a complex situation with lots of mental barriers on her side and it’s going to take time for those to break down. She also happens to have a lot of heavy childhood trauma that she’s currently working through in therapy, and I don’t think she’s ready to consider a whole new layer of information. I think we must try to exercise some compassion whenever possible, while keeping ourselves safe of course ♥️
Thanks for sharing this video. My mum is a controlling person. She didn't want me to marry my first husband and she started on me again when I met and married my 2nd husband. I'm so proud of your strength and ability to talk sense about family and the ties. Take care Suzanne
Thanks for the french content creator recs! I had no idea of the french accronyms TSA and TDAH i thought it was new concepts 🙈 i have only seen english and swedish resources and sweden uses the same accronyms as english
Take it from a person whose parents died long ago: despite everything, being grateful is the key to a better, fulfilling life.
Be grateful for all the nice moments you had, and will have in the future.
But especially be grateful for all the misery you encountered. They enabled you to learn and grow. By doing so, old negative emotions turn into positive moments, and stop haunting you.
So, be grateful for your parents who made this possible by giving birth to you. A pure act of love.
See it this way, du moment où tu es né, YOUR journey started, and you alone decide who is traveling with you and for what purpose. Your parents, family walk their own journey.
Bon voyage.
Thank you for sharing these parts of your story Paune. I have said before that I relate to a lot of your experiences. My parents were less obvious, more subtle, but that is why I felt so confused all the time growing up. That and the naivety of being a child and not knowing any different, not knowing the way I got treated was wrong. I never got to realise and learn about narcissism in their lifetime.
Honestly it might not seem like it because of the way I talk about it after years of processing, but it was pretty subtle in my case too (it was part of the manipulation, otherwise someone might have done something about it) and I also had no idea what was going on… I was convinced I had the best parents and most perfect childhood. I felt so lucky I used to tell myself “prepare yourself, your luck’s going to turn, you’ve been too lucky”. I never would have figured it out had I not met my healthy partner who lived in another country when I was 18, and taken some distance from my parents… it was when I started having panic attacks whenever visiting them that I realised my body was trying to tell me something 😅 I’m forever grateful that things unfolded the way they did and I didn’t meet the wrong people, who might have perpetuated the cycle of abuse and kept me from realising the truth… I’m sorry you weren’t able to realise these things while your parents were still around, but hopefully you can still find some peace now ♥️
@@paunesjourney thank you 🙏 my parents died in 1997 and 1999. I’m much older than you, Paune, and my parents were born in the late 1920’s. They were old enough to have been my (young) grandparents. My sister is old enough to be my mum.
Same, my half-sister’s 33 years older than me 😭 my dad had me when he was 54 (he’s 81 now) 😊
@@paunesjourney oh wow, my parents were 40 and 41 when they had me. My sister will be 75 this December.
Covert Narcissism.
I feel like people who say stuff like 'everyone masks' and 'everyone's a little Autistic' or 'we are all on the spectrum'... probably are Autistic. NT people don't even consider the Autistic spectrum as anything to do with them. Those people will just say 'oh well that makes a lot of sense'. I highly suspect that my Mother is Autistic and she thanked me for diagnosing her at 80yo. My partner on the other hand... she's has uttered the words 'we are all on the spectrum'. Salt on the wound and twisting the knife are both accurate. I believe that the only way to fix a (covert) narcissistic relationship is to end it with no contact. I'm not sure that there is any hope for it getting better.
My X-Narcissist Wife turned some of my own Family members against me with her manipulative lies and I haven't spoken to them for over 10 years. After we separated she emailed all of our friends (I only found out years later when I bumped into an old friend and I mentioned that everyone ghosted me, and she said to me "What did you expect after what you did?" to which I had no idea what she was talking about, and she showed me the email) and spun lies to hurt me and turn everyone against me. I was so hurt from the break up and went into shutdown, so all of her lies worked because they were only told from one side. I tried for 10 years to understand why she did the things she did. The only conclusion I could come to was because I was fuelling her behaviour by way of enabling it. Because I was an easy target, and I was easily hurt by it. And that's quite possibly why you are their everything because without you they've got nobody to manipulate, until the next fool comes along.
There was a woman in Australia recently who was feeding her husband poisonous mushrooms in order to control him (I'm guessing, either that or kill him) by making him sick. She tried the same thing with her in-laws and because they were old she accidentally killed them including another relative. And overseas, domestic helpers often (I know from word of mouth) feed their employees menstrual blood in their food because it makes them 'calmer', more controllable rather than controlling.
Perhaps this is too bold. But maybe it’s helpful?? I can’t decide….
It sounds like your mother in law just takes a long time to process, but will process it on her own eventually - I know that waiting period can be very frustrating, but I’m not sure if there is much you can do to hurry the process along. It sounds like there are many many layers for her to work through before things are going to click for her.
And in the meantime, I imagine it’s really triggering, not only because of RSD, but I think you’ve mentioned your parents are narcissistic, and it makes a lot of sense that disagreeing on a fundamental truth of reality would trigger old feelings from gaslighting or having to placate whatever false reality a narc parent is forcing on the people around them. The intent is very different, but it makes sense it feels the same.
The good and the bad news is if it took your mother in law a while to accept the ADHD it might take a while for her to accept the autism. The bad news is it might take a while. The good news is she has a fair chance of accepting it in the future.
It might be the case that she isnt autistic, so bear that in mind. I understand that it is quite common for people like us to be tempted to analyse and diagnose others. There is a tendency to see autism everywhere once we are diagnosed. It could simply be the case she is neurotypical but lacking empathy or tact and that is why she says hurtful things. That said, it isnt acceptable for her to be invalidating either of you or your formal diagnosis.
Of course I’m not saying she’s definitely autistic, but I’ve known her for 8.5 years and both my partner and I see a lot of traits in her. She’s admitted recognising herself in the traits as well. Genetics being a major factor in autism, there’s a good chance she might be autistic since her son was just diagnosed. She doesn’t strike me as someone with a lack of empathy, I genuinely believe she’s not always aware of the impact of her words. While I agree it’s not okay to invalidate someone else’s diagnosis, I’m not sure she realises that’s what she’s doing. I think it’s a complex situation with lots of mental barriers on her side and it’s going to take time for those to break down. She also happens to have a lot of heavy childhood trauma that she’s currently working through in therapy, and I don’t think she’s ready to consider a whole new layer of information. I think we must try to exercise some compassion whenever possible, while keeping ourselves safe of course ♥️
Please consider uploading your videos to spotify, I'd love to listen to you while I'm at work but cannot leave youtube open 🫣
That’s a good idea! I have no idea how to do that though so I’ll have to look into it 👍