I can relate to you, I think I'm a hybrid of the last two. I never communicate my needs, I try to help the person I'm with acting like everything is perfect with me while I have needs that I can't tell them about. I'm very sensitive too and I crave a relationship and a deep connection but I have trust issues and I'm scared of becoming attached to someone that would use me or not love me as much. I need to work on myself, because the last relationships or situationships I've been in increased my trust issues
JoJi OuShi can you think back to childhood to the first memory in which you felt you couldn’t trust someone or just felt used or exploited? we all have so so much wounding from our childhood! it’s only here through deep introspection and dissection that we can truly begin to heal. sending lots and lots of love my dear ❤️
@@amy_lee My family didn't really give me the freedom to try things and fail or to choose what I want, maybe I started finding it hard to trust because of the fear I was put through because of my family, where relationships were not allowed or accepted, and still is. Love and trust is so difficult to me. My mum usually told me not to trust guys too much because they would betray me and that they aren't trustable and stuff. I was always afraid that I would disappoint my family by being in a relationship. Also it happened a couple of times with friends or maybe someone I used to love, where I blindly trusted them and turns out they didn't really love me or they talked badly about me, or they lied. Now I don't ever believe people's love or complements, not even my family's, I always think they're only being nice, because I experienced it a lot through manipulative friends
@@Rosie22112 I can totally relate. I simply think that my family is with me because of blood relation otherwise I have no one. I have never been in any relationship because I can barely trust anyone. It's that I always assume people eventually gonna break my trust.
Im 25, and Im single. I’ve realized that I am avoidant and scared of rejection. When I do date that nervousness, stops me from showing my true self. Its a problem and I think Im going to start going to therapy because I do want love and a family. Understanding this is hard and sad for me but this is reality so if I want my life to be better then I got to do better
Childhood trauma doesn't have to be rooted in your family, the peers play a big role in the life of a child too (especially with so much time spent in daycare and school), so bullying from a young age on can immensely shape trust capabilities and more too. There have been studies showing that peers are way more influential than parents from a certain age on and I believe they shape much of what we become or struggle with. I don't blame my dear parents for my issues and lack of trust, but I know that the bullying from a young age on certainly ruined me quite a bit and I feel it's been a bigger influence on my dating life, self worth journey and general display of character traits than any family member ever had. (Maybe you'll mention it later in the video, Idk I'm pretty early in, but I feel like more people should consider this peer-inflicted "childhood trauma" instead of looking at only the parental influence for blame or explanation.)
These are my thoughts too. I come from a very loving and warm family, but i was bullied when I was younger and this resulted in me feeling like an outsider and unwanted/unaccepted by my peers. It took a huge toll on my relationship life as an adult.. I am definitely the anxious partner and it's really hard to deal with...
of course there is a large number of causes for trauma- bullying is definitely one of them. i speak about generational trauma mainly because it is a bit more insidious, and, in my opinion, not given the same airtime as something more objectively harmful as bullying does (society, for the most part, understands that bullying is bad, we have homeschooling, anti-bullying campaigns, etc. but taking a child away from an abusive parent is never easy or even possible, at times). i do believe, as well, those kids who bully come from abusive households themselves, and therein lies a harmful cycle- kids who come from loving households are rarely the ones who bully at school. this is why much of my work or interest focuses on generational trauma. also, it is never about blame. in blaming, we take away our power, instead of reclaiming it. it is more so about understanding the causes and ultimately processing why it is the way we are.
Hi! Peers are important for sure. However it is from your caregivers that you learn what type of behaviour you gravitate towards, the types of boundaries you set for yourself and even how you will deal with things like bullying, and whether you are able to share about it with your parents to process the pain and work on solutions! :) Which is good news, parents can influence way more than we’d like to think.
I took a test online and according to the results, I'm securely attached but I think it's because I am with a securely attached partner now. I probably learned from him because I definitely remember when I was younger that I was more on the anxious type.
definitely! and self-awareness is key to also maintaining/sustaining our attachment style. though we might be securely attached now, i’m personally always trying to be aware of how my old patterning might show up even these days and so it’s just always helpful (for my partner and myself) to be mindful of that :) happy to hear you’re in a healthy partnership ! sending lots of love ❤️
This video made me cry, damn. I'm definitely avoidant-fearful and I'm experiencing problems with that all the time. Being afraid of abandonment and rejection, as you said, makes me always feel fear of uselessness and I'm always deeply sure that I'm not interesting to people who are interesting to me. And I search for evidence that people don't want to communicate with me and of course find them, but people usually don't even understand why I'm worrying and what about. That's also because of my hurtful last relationship and lacking of attention from boyfriends and family. That's why i'm trying to break myself and to stay alone practically all the time, though it's unnatural to me and hurtful. Have no idea what to do with it
Omg I'm definitely avoidant-dismissive haha. Growing up in a Black/Asian household, I've always felt like I couldn't be in touch with my emotions because it was considered "weak." I knew that I couldn't really go to my family for emotional support in some ways, so I would rely on myself. Now that I've turned 20, I'm trying to be in touch with my feelings, which is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be because of how I was taught.
I legit said in my head "oh...no' when I saw the title. I just came back from therapy and have been talking about this for the last 1.5 years, and currently getting over and learning to let go of a person. This is a very difficult video to watch as a love addict. but SO needed. Your content is transcendent.
definitely a secure/anxious/slightly fearful hybrid which is evident in how i'm overly giving, romanticize realities that are not actually there, and the way I tend to feel exploited and used in relationships. makes so much sense considering how I have always felt inexplicably anxious in relationships and have always felt that this is why things don't work out. I think if everyone was self-aware of the traits they were given (attachment style, personality type, etc.), there would be a greater sense of understanding across the board
Had to fight tears while watching this video realizing how much I relate to this. In the process of being more and more aware of the parts of me that need work while also showing myself compassion and it isn't easy. Especially when you're changing and not everyone else around you is. I'm a hybrid between anxious and avoidant-fearful; constantly fearing that the people i let in will leave but also avoiding being vulnerable and trying to test the people i love to see if they'll really stick around. I've been having a really triggering past 24 hours and this video definitely gave me hope that I'm on the right path towards healing and becoming more securely attached. thankyouthankyouthankyou - can't wait for the rest of the series!
im so proud of you amy, so proud. as a fellow avoidant-dismissive attached person who has not changed their attachment style yet, i know how hard this attachment style is, how hurtful for yourself and for their partner can be. it brought me to tears knowing you could change that, gave me hope that i could too. thank you for this amy
aw cony i truly can relate. it takes a lot of being honest with yourself and facing the darkest parts of yourself to really change and grow from this attachment style but i believe that if you truly want to, anyone can and will. always remember, not everyone is here to hurt us, and some people do want to stick around. sending lots of love ❤️
I noticed that a lot of the unconditional love was given to my older brothers more so than to me. And it's not to sound whiney or "whoa-is-me", but it's just something I've come to notice over time, even to this day. I've always been very sensitive and when I was a kid, I was never given the emotional love and support I think I needed. I was always ignored or brushed off as being a crybaby and too sensitive, so at some point my family stopped caring when something upset me or made me sad. But whenever my brothers were sad or hurting, they were cared for and went to therapy to help them. I once went through a bad period of time when I couldnt find a job, and I would lay in bed all day and cry and sleep feeling horrible. My mom would repeatedly tell me I was lazy and useless. But when my older brother was in bed all day, she would never call him lazy and ask him if hes okay or if he needs anything.
Wow, this has helped me realize how far I've come. I got into my first relationship when I was 15 and spent the next 5 years being anxiously attached and codependent. It took his drug addiction spiraling out of control for us to break up when I was 20. He died when I was 25. Not only am I healing from my childhood, but also from my first relationship. I know I'm not a victim in all this because these are the reasons I've grown so strong. I've been telling myself since the beginning of the year now to walk my talk. I love to talk, but how am I going to show up for myself and make a difference? Looking forward to the rest of this series, thank you!
I actually really needed this. Im in literal tears because everything you said really hit hard in my heart and you're always so genuine and I just love watching your videos all the time. You're raw with your content and thats what I like about you. Keep doing what you're doing, we all love you amy
Holy shit. I'm Asian and I know my attachment styles and all but the way you broke down having conditional love from Asian parents was an eye opener for myself 🤯 the way you layed it out
I definitely see a part of my self when you were describing the avoidant-fearful type. Passive aggression and the cold shoulder treatment were very familiar to me growing up, I used to display the same type of behaviour to my previous partner without knowing it. Today, I am with someone who makes me want to be a better version of myself everyday.
In terms of attachment style and experience, same, girl💖 thinking back on previous behaviors and habits I have had and even have to this day, watching this video opened my eyes not only to my own flaws in attachment but to the root of where those flaws originated. Searching more deeply into myself and being more aware of why I am the way I am has truly encouraged me and given me hope that I can one day be whole, happy, mentally and emotionally healthy, and in a healthy relationship someday (:
When I was 25 I started reading about my attachment theory. I learned a lot about myself which made me start reading about love languages as well. By combining these and learning how I work and think I for the first time in my life started a relationship at 26. It’s crazy how getting to know yourself can actually change your life! I recommend everyone to do start learning more about yourself, I’m sure it will be life changing if you decide to put in the work.
My attachment style is 50% secure, 25% anxious, and 25% fearful avoidant. I believe this comes from my parents divorce at age 9 and watching my older brother struggle with mental health. I also have come to understand my attachment style and behavior in my relationship is influenced by not knowing myself fully enough to know what I want, which can be a natural process in growing up, but not at the sake of others feelings. In adulthood, im 21, this showed up in my first committed relationship at 18. It was my first semester of fall college and I fell in love with a boy. I was unsure of the relationship and broke up with him frequently and did not take his feelings into account enough at all. I thought maybe I would be better fit with a different guy, but have recently come to realize, after some awful guilty feelings I had to work through, that I was the problem. Your videos have helped me with self-acceptance of the great parts of me and the deeply wounded, acceptance of a whole human being who will strive to continue to heal and understand.
Thank you Amy for being yourself and sharing this with us. When we do bring our attachment type to light, it's so important to look at it with curiosity and compassion. We're all trying our best and healing is a never ending process ❤️
As someone whos recently gone through a breakup and felt like the last 3 years was a complete waste because i could never really love this person to my full potential because they were so dissapointing at addressing MY needs, the embarrassing moments in the public the reluctance to invite them to social events, the lies and blatant emotional manipulation, basically dating a narccisist makes expressing your needs absolutely pointless. This was really refreshing to watch
Just trying to become a better person everyday. The last three years have been crazy but now I realise the challenges have all been to help me grow and become a better person. Amy, you help us all become better people! Your content is so necessary❤️❤️❤️❤️ Keep doing u girl
Sometimes these kind of videos catch you off guard. Went to do the quiz and wow... the tears were there. It’s so weird to think how impactful your childhood is on you now
I've never heard a better description of 'anxious' attachment style. It sure takes courage to reflect on one's flaws and work on them continually. Well done. A fellow life-path 9 says: Thank you, Amy.
Oh congrats on all the hardwork ! I am an INFJ and my boyfriend is also INTJ. We both are really independant and used to avoid emotional closeness but I feel that he is way more uncomfortable with that than me. We dated when we were teenagers and we are back together in our 20s now. We both grew up and worked on our issues. Especially him, I feel like he is more aware of his "coldness" PS : I always thought you were INFJ because we are similar on a lot of things. That's maybe because of introverted intuition and the fact that I am french with african immigrants parents
I'm a mix of anxious, avoidant and disorganised attachment styles. Yeah realising that my parents were passing these down while they could have had experienced feeling as such growing up and into adulthood from my grandparents' upbringing in the 60s and 70s. To be honest I wanna blame them and I got angry because how could they be reminding me more of why I struggle so damn much with self worth, self esteem, problem solving, communication and mental health. I did the test, and I was essentially saddened. No wonder I struggle a lot with my current relationship too. Self sabotaging behaviours in particular were my "strength" and I find it hard to set boundaries, expressing my feelings and needs, resolving issues maturely, and always trying to avoid conflict/confrontation by ironing it out with "win-win" ideas. Not a good revelation at just how much I've got to fix and heal at the beginning of 2020, but I guess it will surface soon or later anyways. Thank you for making this video too, Amy.
Listening to you talking about this I resonated so deeply. I punish myself for never doing enough, I push away those who get close to me or give away all my autonomy to please my partner. Ugh. Hearing that you're also an aquarius, I just felt so seen and heard. Thankyou.
I don't know if we're all living in the same parallels or idk it's hard to explain but I really needed this video at exactly this time and day. Your content is amazing, thoughtful and kind. Please never stop doing what you're doing. Thank you so much.
Amy you're the big sister I never had TT I came out as secure but I trully feel like this is by being exposed to videos like yours because they're so educational. And then I realise how opening it is to know English because it is just an open door do a loooot of information ! I really wish I could show your videos to my boyfriend and make him take the test but unfortunately that would be a bit difficult to translate... Anyway a huge thank you Amy, as always, we really appreciate the fact that you're this honest with us❣️
Amy is really calling me out with that avoidance-dismissive attachment 😳 I didn’t even realize how my current actions towards love are so significantly tied to my childhood
Wow, I feel like I relate so much to you on a lot of levels. My 'natural setting' falls along the dismissive-avoidant style, particularly in romantic relationships. However, self development is really important to me, and I genuinely enjoy getting to know and truly understanding people. This is really easy for me to do with friends on a platonic level, but my dismissive-avoidant tendencies come out full force while dating. The first time I even really opened myself up to the idea of dating someone was at nineteen, the end of my freshman year. I cut it off after a month of talking because I knew it logistically wasn't going to work out, but I really struggled with keeping my self-sabotaging thoughts in check. I'm still trying to come to terms with the idea that romantic relationships are a positive thing that can bring more joy to your life, when I'm so secure by myself. I don't know what my needs are, as I'm used to meeting them all by myself. Also, I know that I would struggle with thoughts of ending the relationship during lower periods and disagreements, because I wouldn't be dealing with those if I were single. I have faith that I will be able to have a healthy, safe relationship one day, one that doesn't feel like a violation of my boundaries. You really have further exemplified this for me. Thank you for sharing! PS i'm also a gemini rising, and half my chart is aquarius :)
I didn’t really recognize my attachment style until after my emotionally abusive relationship. & now in a healthy relationship I am learning so much to correct the mistakes I would have made in the past. I am so thankful and glad that with therapy and my own hard work, I see the improvements in myself and don’t just give, give, give, can handle conflict better, am more independent, and know my worth. This video was great and is super important! I hope people who did not think much about their attachment style before, does now!
This is lovely! Especially seeing a dismissive avoidant transform as that is a scarce sight!! (Not necessarily because DAs don’t transform but maybe even when they do they don’t share about it). Very lovely and congratulations on your transformation and relationship!!! :))
I am a hybrid of type 2 and 4! Thank you so much for this video I got to understand sooo many things about who I am while in a relationship. I really used to question myself and wonder why I acted the way I did during my first relationship last year. I loved that person so much, but I was very controlling and jealous, and his "Free" and flirty non-romantic nature made things even more difficult. I am a person who loooves love and I love having somebody by my side (without losing my independence) but at the same time I tend to overthink a LOT. I am seriously terrified of ending a relationship, not because I am scared of being alone, but because I am scared of the fact that I will lose somebody I care a lot about. I am on a journey to better myself in the romantic relationship field so that I won't make the same mistakes next time. We lacked communication in my previous relationship so yes, I have come to the conclusion that communication is key, both from my side and my partners' so I am working hard on that. I am really excited for this video series and I am sure it will help me a lot!
madamebloom omg I can totally relate to absolutely everything you said! You are not alone and keep in mind that you shouldn’t feel like you’re the “problem” in a relationship because of your character or your needs. I hope everything goes well :) keep growing! xx
@@stevy_n thank you so much for your kind words! It really feels good to know there's somebody who understands how I feel! Hope everything goes well for you too!
This is so interesting, I see a little bit of myself in every type, but I defiantly mostly fit into the avoidant- fearful. I'm a very caring partner and always try my best to communicate my needs but often struggle, I get terrified when I have feelings fo someone because I hate the idea of being codependent on someone, so I will push people away when things get a little overwhelming, even if I still want someone there. At 16 I lost my dad, who was my rock and did everything for me, I then was forced to grow up extremely quick and become fully self- reliant by 18 living alone and working full time. Thanks for the insightful videos Amy, they are so helpful and interesting to watch !!
Hi Amy, I came across your video by chance during a week where I was being triggered. I have to thank you for putting out these videos. I’m first generation Greek, born in Montreal..totally relate to conditional love and what you said about knowing that our parents have past down their experiences to us and healing my inner child.. this is hard to do.. and I appreciate your words. Thank you!!
That’s so soso crazy!! It blows my mind to hear how much we are alike by how we interact with people and how we react. I’m really happy and proud of you that you worked on your issues. I’ve still a long long way to go but you are so motivating. Thank you so much for sharing. Listening to you has been the highlight of my day!
ive read and listened to attachment styles multiple times and i always re/learn with each interpretation and general consciousness that it brings. I have recently been glad to hear/see people acknowledge hybrids. im definitely on the anxious attachment but can have secure tendencies within logic outside of emotional situations, and would beat myself up when its clear that i havent fully made it to secure attachment but after hearing (shanboody) talk about her hybrid and experiences in her recent video (and now yours), i have found it easier to admit or more so accept that reality. recent events and patterns are showing me that i have a lot to develop and practice which this video reminder helps approach those things. ps, so cool to learn from you amy - i know it has for sure been at least two years but probably more !!
Gratitude for the guidance towards you & Thank-you for sharing, fellow Aquarian here - I felt your energy the moment you came on the screen, brilliant & inspiring! I have read, time and time again - how a 'negative' attribute of this sign can be 'Avoidant' or 'Aloof' - still on this transforming journey myself it gives me hope I will achieve Secure! Love to you sister x
YES AMY YESSSSS!!!! THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT. one evening i went down the rabbit hole of researching attachment styles and SO MUCH MADE SENSE. not to bash childhood trauma cause guess what, we all have it!!!! but it's so important we accept recognise who we are, how we have arrived into the person we are now and then move on, become the version of you that you always wanted to be.
@@amy_lee i think im moving from anxious-avoidant towards secure, our stories overlap a whole lot (interestingly also moving from an INTJ to INFJ) i decided to make a point for myself and the people around me to become more: vulnerable, to seek love and being a real/ authentic individual in the past three years. i refused to let anyone in throughout adolescence, deliberately ghosted on people (self-sabotage, fear of being rejected) and always desired the attention from unavailable people.... it's a journey and learning about attachment styles has edged me on to further unpack the impact of sense of self and childhood trauma
@No formality just truth it's a reference to the experience of Alice falling deep into a strange world in "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," i.e. the experience of being uncontrollably stuck in a strange situation
You Aquarius QUEEN!! THANK YOU for sharing your spirit with such openness and honesty. As an Aquarius myself I've often worried about similar relationship qualities and I am grateful for your words that offer lots of wonderful aspects to reflect on.
i study psychology and have just finished the attachment topic so i am familiar to all the attachment types/styles, all the supporting evidence and the criticism towards the theories. i’ve written extended essays about the topic and have taken a test on it but that was for the soul purpose of education. i realised while watching your video that i never truly internalised my learning and tried to apply it to myself to reach an even deeper understanding. being only 16 and with my anxious-avoidant type i feel like i am too mature because i had to rely on myself for a lot emotionally and mentally so while all of my friends are in relationships or talking about boys i’m over here figuring out why i felt sad when i was moaned at :). you Amy are my biggest inspiration and someone i completely idolise in all aspects, even the ones you don’t find too appealing. i wholeheartedly believe you are a good person and have helped me believe that i am too.
I learned that whatever you practiced during your singleness, you will definitely bring into your romantic partnership. Of course, there is always room for improvement and adjustments when you finally get into a relationship.. I was the avoidant type.. and I definitely resonated on the tendency to look at what the other person could improve instead of actually focusing on what my needs were and communicating them effectively, clearly and openly. Now, I'm cultivating more self-awareness and self-compassion for myself, being genuinely curious and interested about myself.. and then actively working and healing or whatever I need to do to be a better human being. I'm single, but I believe I can still progress even if my relationship status changes. Now, I feel like I have progressed in communicating my needs well, but at the same time, I find myself quite expectant that other people would be too.. but then, I take a pause and accept the reality that people are different and that their journey might be different from mine. Then, I start learning to appreciate that difference and each of our own individualities.
i don't always have enough time to listen to such long and deep videos but i really feel good after watching your videos, good and thoughtful at the same time😳thanks for doing this kind of videos💛
Watching this video a few months late, but I recently broke up with my boyfriend and this video really made me understand why I felt like our relationship wasn’t working out. He is anxiously attached, I am avoidant, and I think we both contributed to why our relationship didn’t work. But I’m gonna try and take this time to myself to really work on myself so that in the future I can not only be a better person to myself but also to other people I am in a relationship with, either in friendships or relationships
This subtle detail that you have become more securely attached WHILE BEING SINGLE really got my attention, because I was so scared that one could only learn how to be with someone while being with someone and that you could only learn by try and error and have to go through a lot of pain. But your example really made me think and maybe romantic love will not be super taboo for my future self anymore. Please keep seeding awareness in my brain so I can then grow by myself, I'm highly enjoying it (stating my needs like a securely attached, haha) ♥
I’m the anxious style, and the love of my life is the avoidant style. When he wanted to leave I couldn’t understand what I did to make it happen. I’ve been doing so much research on how I came to be the way I am, and why he is the way he is. I found you on tiktok and this video really helped me see things clearly. Thank you
I am beyond excited for this series Amy. I am currently working on shifting my attachment style from anxious to secure in therapy right now. Your videos couldn't speak to me any clearer than they already are. Thank you for diving into these things that are so difficult for people to understand themselves.
thank you so much for this video. as someone who was initially a DA like you and has been gradually learning secure attachment, I was really heartbroken and shattered to realize recently that I had found myself in a very toxic relationship. I finally ended it this past weekend, but Ive felt so disconnected from my emotions since the breakup. watching this video felt like my first breathe in awhile. I was able to feel things a little bit more fully, and come to terms with the disappointment/shock of it all. thank u for such great content
I feel like when I feel genuine feelings for someone regardless of whether we are in an official romantic relationship, are just talking, or even in other relationships like family and friends, that I'm mostly an anxious attachment type. I have had a thicc history of avoiding conflict for fear of abandonment, rejection, or disproval. I have glazed past or downplayed things that hurt me to avoid hurting another's feelings which coupled with my pattern of internalizing emotional or mental pain made it so much easier for me to let myself get walked over, not even taking the chance to see if the other person would care that they hurt me at all, let alone change the behavior or apologize. One thing I've noticed is a worry that if I do speak up, the person would either be hurt by what I say or not care at all... tbh I feel like the second one is even worse
Amy, you are a light and you inspire me (this is my first youtube comment, just thought if I never share it, you would never know, and you deserve to).
I'm definitely anxious type, I have also GAD and panic disorder. I have amazing partner but I feel like sometimes I push my partner away as they can sense my energy. But I am happy giving my partner free space, I do not attack or anything like that, I know most of things are in my head. I want to trust a lot more. I know that I have abandmet issues. When I took the test I had 22% secure and 35% anxious. So I hope I can become a lot more secure.
I loved this so much your videos help so much. Learning about attachment styles always make me understand why I was such a late bloomer in relationships. And why I never wanted to depend on people in relationships because my parents where so codependent that I never wanted a relationship like that. But I also didn’t want to be alone so it can be so confusing at times how to navigate what I need and what’s healthy~
thank you for making this video, Amy. as an aquarius moon, I can truly feel the struggle. what I find most challenging in healing this is being aware of the small things that the brain tends to push out into the shadows. can't wait for part two!
thank u for this video amy! this has always been a topic i’ve thought about and u just verbalized it all really well (as always) 😭 thanks for creating a safe space for all of us 🥺
I went through a breakup recently and have been confronted with so many of my own flaws through this process. I resonate so much with your attachment style. It has helped me to make sense of it a bit more. Thank you for sharing!
I needed this ! Perfect timing. I took the test and I’m anxious attached and secure (both), had an abusive father so I guess that’s why. Love your videos so much Amy !! ❤️
I was introduced to the “attachment style” theory and each type last year and I found it really interesting! I kept watching videos about it because I was so fascinated about the inside world each and every one of us can have. I’m really glad you made a video about it :)
I recently found your channel and I feel like I met someone that thinks exactly like me. Then I found out your an Aquarius ♒️. Thank you for being so inspiring
Amy you need a weekly podcast asap because you have amazing content that seems to touch so many people . This should be required listening for all young adults. Ps. You look amazing
i am rewatching this video and im glad that i was able to do that. i am so proud of what you were able to do. You saw your attachment style and you did the shadow work to really fix it. That is so amazing and inspirational Amy. It honestly gives me hope that one day I can change. i am avoidant fearful. 100%.
Finally getting around to watching this and I GET IT NOWWWW. wow 🤯 Kind of glad I slept on this video for 3 months 😅 It probably would have gone over my head if it hadn't been the right time
As a 19-year-old person who has recently sabotaged a relationship because of an attachment style i did not know i had, i can relate to you so deeply. That being said, i am looking forward to the next few years of my life as i grow out of this phase. Improvement comes in small doses hh. Also: Thank you, Amy. Have a good one. 🌸
i more so anxious but i've also been avoidant fearful. since the new year started its been very painful on this healing journey and it all starts with loving myself which i've never given to myself
Can you believe that you posted this a few days ago and I wasn't interested at all. I was having trouble with my partner and I couldn't tell him because I struggle with confrontations but today I opened up and I had always hope he would guess why I was sad and he couldn't even have been able to because after sharing I realized it had nothing to do with what he said at the moment but it was what triggered what I knew from childhood, there was nowhere he would have known. I'm still learning to love, differently from the love I know
I just want to say how amazing and interesting your videos are. You speak loud and vocalize (which i really appreciate because english is not my mother tongue) and talk about very interesting topics, therefore i can spend hours watching your youtube videos. Thank you so much for all the effort you put on this videos!!! By the way you are so beautiful and you give such a good vibes. Saludos from Spain!! ❤️ xxx
So refreshing to see this eye opening kind of content on youtube!! Definitely relate to being avoidant/dismissively attached especially growing up in a korean-western environment but how encouraging to become more self aware about this but YES TO SELF IMPROVEMENT
it's incredible how much I relate of what you said, never before think the root of why my behavior and my whole self changes when it comes to attachments. In relationships I tend to be avoidant dismissive if I think about it and how getting scared to loose my independence and my personality in a sense. Were literally I stared dating really late at 21 and I have been dismissive in all my relationships now 23. Used to think that was my lack of experience but if I dig deep in to it is attached with trauma from the past repressions that I get as child and early teenage years and how all I tend to run away every time I catch feeling for someone... I need to do some introspection and to work to move of this state... will go to search for more thanks Amy ♡
first of all thank you so much to talk about this subject , actually, I didn't know that im an Anxious Avoidant person tell I wach your video, I always reject anyone coms to my life and I don't talk about my needs, OMG I just realize I'm a sensitive person
Really loved this video!! I've been thinking about my past relationships for a while now and believe I have an avoidant-fearful attachment style where I tend to idolise my partners and almost desperately crave a deep connection, but yet I can't seem to truly connect and break up with them after around 6 months. I think it's mostly due because I lost my sister when I was younger and tried to ease this burden for my parents by not showing emotions and needs at all. Would be really interested to hear about some of the work you did individually that is helping you right now to communicatie your needs more effectively!
I had an "entanglement" and am now more scared to be in a relationship than I was before I was in it🥴 but this video and the one about feeling unworthy and unloved helped spark a feeling of hope that the trauma I've experienced can not necessarily be reversed but that I can heal and grow from it with time and effort (: one of Amy's comments said to remember that not everyone is going to hurt you and some people do want to stay, which I feel may be helpful for the both of us to be mindful of💖
I use to be the anxious one. But now I am much more secure and don’t feel that fear of abandonment or rejection if I speak my mind or speak my needs. If someone can’t take me beeing honest and having needs I’m not suppose to be with that person 👍 I still get anxious when I don’t get that natural flow of communication and the guy don’t text me back to name one thing but this part I am working on right now and I hope that I can be more chill.
Watching this right after an emotional argument just teared me up. I give and give and give and hear and hear and hear and give advices but no one is really there for me. And when it comes to myself, I do the opposite of what I advice to others. 2. Anxious totally relates to me. And as a cancer Sun, I can get clingy at times
I can relate to you, I think I'm a hybrid of the last two. I never communicate my needs, I try to help the person I'm with acting like everything is perfect with me while I have needs that I can't tell them about. I'm very sensitive too and I crave a relationship and a deep connection but I have trust issues and I'm scared of becoming attached to someone that would use me or not love me as much. I need to work on myself, because the last relationships or situationships I've been in increased my trust issues
JoJi OuShi can you think back to childhood to the first memory in which you felt you couldn’t trust someone or just felt used or exploited? we all have so so much wounding from our childhood! it’s only here through deep introspection and dissection that we can truly begin to heal. sending lots and lots of love my dear ❤️
@@amy_lee My family didn't really give me the freedom to try things and fail or to choose what I want, maybe I started finding it hard to trust because of the fear I was put through because of my family, where relationships were not allowed or accepted, and still is. Love and trust is so difficult to me. My mum usually told me not to trust guys too much because they would betray me and that they aren't trustable and stuff. I was always afraid that I would disappoint my family by being in a relationship. Also it happened a couple of times with friends or maybe someone I used to love, where I blindly trusted them and turns out they didn't really love me or they talked badly about me, or they lied. Now I don't ever believe people's love or complements, not even my family's, I always think they're only being nice, because I experienced it a lot through manipulative friends
Sorry for the long paragraph, I'm barely heard😅
@@Rosie22112 I can totally relate. I simply think that my family is with me because of blood relation otherwise I have no one. I have never been in any relationship because I can barely trust anyone. It's that I always assume people eventually gonna break my trust.
I’m working on unpacking the “independent woman” “don’t depend on anyone” morals I’ve been taught & striking a balance 🙂
*You attract what you are.*
Become great to attract great.
@ComplexElegance this made me feel better :) thanks
Im 25, and Im single. I’ve realized that I am avoidant and scared of rejection. When I do date that nervousness, stops me from showing my true self. Its a problem and I think Im going to start going to therapy because I do want love and a family. Understanding this is hard and sad for me but this is reality so if I want my life to be better then I got to do better
Childhood trauma doesn't have to be rooted in your family, the peers play a big role in the life of a child too (especially with so much time spent in daycare and school), so bullying from a young age on can immensely shape trust capabilities and more too.
There have been studies showing that peers are way more influential than parents from a certain age on and I believe they shape much of what we become or struggle with.
I don't blame my dear parents for my issues and lack of trust, but I know that the bullying from a young age on certainly ruined me quite a bit and I feel it's been a bigger influence on my dating life, self worth journey and general display of character traits than any family member ever had.
(Maybe you'll mention it later in the video, Idk I'm pretty early in, but I feel like more people should consider this peer-inflicted "childhood trauma" instead of looking at only the parental influence for blame or explanation.)
These are my thoughts too. I come from a very loving and warm family, but i was bullied when I was younger and this resulted in me feeling like an outsider and unwanted/unaccepted by my peers. It took a huge toll on my relationship life as an adult.. I am definitely the anxious partner and it's really hard to deal with...
of course there is a large number of causes for trauma- bullying is definitely one of them. i speak about generational trauma mainly because it is a bit more insidious, and, in my opinion, not given the same airtime as something more objectively harmful as bullying does (society, for the most part, understands that bullying is bad, we have homeschooling, anti-bullying campaigns, etc. but taking a child away from an abusive parent is never easy or even possible, at times). i do believe, as well, those kids who bully come from abusive households themselves, and therein lies a harmful cycle- kids who come from loving households are rarely the ones who bully at school. this is why much of my work or interest focuses on generational trauma. also, it is never about blame. in blaming, we take away our power, instead of reclaiming it. it is more so about understanding the causes and ultimately processing why it is the way we are.
Hi! Peers are important for sure. However it is from your caregivers that you learn what type of behaviour you gravitate towards, the types of boundaries you set for yourself and even how you will deal with things like bullying, and whether you are able to share about it with your parents to process the pain and work on solutions! :) Which is good news, parents can influence way more than we’d like to think.
I took a test online and according to the results, I'm securely attached but I think it's because I am with a securely attached partner now. I probably learned from him because I definitely remember when I was younger that I was more on the anxious type.
definitely! and self-awareness is key to also maintaining/sustaining our attachment style. though we might be securely attached now, i’m personally always trying to be aware of how my old patterning might show up even these days and so it’s just always helpful (for my partner and myself) to be mindful of that :) happy to hear you’re in a healthy partnership ! sending lots of love ❤️
AMY LEE that is so true! I think it’s possible for our old ways to resurface when we’re triggered. Thanks for talking about this subject ❤️
U always post the right things at the right time, love u amy 🖤
Selena S sending lots of love
This video made me cry, damn. I'm definitely avoidant-fearful and I'm experiencing problems with that all the time. Being afraid of abandonment and rejection, as you said, makes me always feel fear of uselessness and I'm always deeply sure that I'm not interesting to people who are interesting to me. And I search for evidence that people don't want to communicate with me and of course find them, but people usually don't even understand why I'm worrying and what about. That's also because of my hurtful last relationship and lacking of attention from boyfriends and family. That's why i'm trying to break myself and to stay alone practically all the time, though it's unnatural to me and hurtful. Have no idea what to do with it
Omg I'm definitely avoidant-dismissive haha. Growing up in a Black/Asian household, I've always felt like I couldn't be in touch with my emotions because it was considered "weak." I knew that I couldn't really go to my family for emotional support in some ways, so I would rely on myself. Now that I've turned 20, I'm trying to be in touch with my feelings, which is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be because of how I was taught.
when Amy was talking about how her bf said he was proud of her, I melted
I wish this was a podcast so I could listen to it on my drives to work.
I legit said in my head "oh...no' when I saw the title. I just came back from therapy and have been talking about this for the last 1.5 years, and currently getting over and learning to let go of a person. This is a very difficult video to watch as a love addict. but SO needed. Your content is transcendent.
definitely a secure/anxious/slightly fearful hybrid which is evident in how i'm overly giving, romanticize realities that are not actually there, and the way I tend to feel exploited and used in relationships. makes so much sense considering how I have always felt inexplicably anxious in relationships and have always felt that this is why things don't work out. I think if everyone was self-aware of the traits they were given (attachment style, personality type, etc.), there would be a greater sense of understanding across the board
Had to fight tears while watching this video realizing how much I relate to this. In the process of being more and more aware of the parts of me that need work while also showing myself compassion and it isn't easy. Especially when you're changing and not everyone else around you is. I'm a hybrid between anxious and avoidant-fearful; constantly fearing that the people i let in will leave but also avoiding being vulnerable and trying to test the people i love to see if they'll really stick around. I've been having a really triggering past 24 hours and this video definitely gave me hope that I'm on the right path towards healing and becoming more securely attached. thankyouthankyouthankyou - can't wait for the rest of the series!
Likewise. This post spoke volumes to me.
This is exactly me. We’ll get through this, girl.
im so proud of you amy, so proud. as a fellow avoidant-dismissive attached person who has not changed their attachment style yet, i know how hard this attachment style is, how hurtful for yourself and for their partner can be. it brought me to tears knowing you could change that, gave me hope that i could too. thank you for this amy
aw cony i truly can relate. it takes a lot of being honest with yourself and facing the darkest parts of yourself to really change and grow from this attachment style but i believe that if you truly want to, anyone can and will. always remember, not everyone is here to hurt us, and some people do want to stick around. sending lots of love ❤️
I noticed that a lot of the unconditional love was given to my older brothers more so than to me. And it's not to sound whiney or "whoa-is-me", but it's just something I've come to notice over time, even to this day. I've always been very sensitive and when I was a kid, I was never given the emotional love and support I think I needed. I was always ignored or brushed off as being a crybaby and too sensitive, so at some point my family stopped caring when something upset me or made me sad. But whenever my brothers were sad or hurting, they were cared for and went to therapy to help them. I once went through a bad period of time when I couldnt find a job, and I would lay in bed all day and cry and sleep feeling horrible. My mom would repeatedly tell me I was lazy and useless. But when my older brother was in bed all day, she would never call him lazy and ask him if hes okay or if he needs anything.
Wow, this has helped me realize how far I've come. I got into my first relationship when I was 15 and spent the next 5 years being anxiously attached and codependent. It took his drug addiction spiraling out of control for us to break up when I was 20. He died when I was 25. Not only am I healing from my childhood, but also from my first relationship. I know I'm not a victim in all this because these are the reasons I've grown so strong. I've been telling myself since the beginning of the year now to walk my talk. I love to talk, but how am I going to show up for myself and make a difference? Looking forward to the rest of this series, thank you!
I actually really needed this. Im in literal tears because everything you said really hit hard in my heart and you're always so genuine and I just love watching your videos all the time. You're raw with your content and thats what I like about you. Keep doing what you're doing, we all love you amy
Holy shit. I'm Asian and I know my attachment styles and all but the way you broke down having conditional love from Asian parents was an eye opener for myself 🤯 the way you layed it out
I definitely see a part of my self when you were describing the avoidant-fearful type. Passive aggression and the cold shoulder treatment were very familiar to me growing up, I used to display the same type of behaviour to my previous partner without knowing it. Today, I am with someone who makes me want to be a better version of myself everyday.
In terms of attachment style and experience, same, girl💖 thinking back on previous behaviors and habits I have had and even have to this day, watching this video opened my eyes not only to my own flaws in attachment but to the root of where those flaws originated. Searching more deeply into myself and being more aware of why I am the way I am has truly encouraged me and given me hope that I can one day be whole, happy, mentally and emotionally healthy, and in a healthy relationship someday (:
@@anahniharris8261 Love that mindset 🤗 we're all taking it one day at a time.
When I was 25 I started reading about my attachment theory. I learned a lot about myself which made me start reading about love languages as well. By combining these and learning how I work and think I for the first time in my life started a relationship at 26. It’s crazy how getting to know yourself can actually change your life! I recommend everyone to do start learning more about yourself, I’m sure it will be life changing if you decide to put in the work.
My attachment style is 50% secure, 25% anxious, and 25% fearful avoidant. I believe this comes from my parents divorce at age 9 and watching my older brother struggle with mental health. I also have come to understand my attachment style and behavior in my relationship is influenced by not knowing myself fully enough to know what I want, which can be a natural process in growing up, but not at the sake of others feelings. In adulthood, im 21, this showed up in my first committed relationship at 18. It was my first semester of fall college and I fell in love with a boy. I was unsure of the relationship and broke up with him frequently and did not take his feelings into account enough at all. I thought maybe I would be better fit with a different guy, but have recently come to realize, after some awful guilty feelings I had to work through, that I was the problem. Your videos have helped me with self-acceptance of the great parts of me and the deeply wounded, acceptance of a whole human being who will strive to continue to heal and understand.
Thank you Amy for being yourself and sharing this with us. When we do bring our attachment type to light, it's so important to look at it with curiosity and compassion. We're all trying our best and healing is a never ending process ❤️
As someone whos recently gone through a breakup and felt like the last 3 years was a complete waste because i could never really love this person to my full potential because they were so dissapointing at addressing MY needs, the embarrassing moments in the public the reluctance to invite them to social events, the lies and blatant emotional manipulation, basically dating a narccisist makes expressing your needs absolutely pointless. This was really refreshing to watch
Just trying to become a better person everyday. The last three years have been crazy but now I realise the challenges have all been to help me grow and become a better person. Amy, you help us all become better people! Your content is so necessary❤️❤️❤️❤️ Keep doing u girl
Sometimes these kind of videos catch you off guard. Went to do the quiz and wow... the tears were there. It’s so weird to think how impactful your childhood is on you now
You should write books Amy seriously there’s something so authentic about your voice I need more or a podcast please!!
I've never heard a better description of 'anxious' attachment style.
It sure takes courage to reflect on one's flaws and work on them continually. Well done.
A fellow life-path 9 says: Thank you, Amy.
Oh congrats on all the hardwork ! I am an INFJ and my boyfriend is also INTJ. We both are really independant and used to avoid emotional closeness but I feel that he is way more uncomfortable with that than me. We dated when we were teenagers and we are back together in our 20s now. We both grew up and worked on our issues. Especially him, I feel like he is more aware of his "coldness"
PS : I always thought you were INFJ because we are similar on a lot of things. That's maybe because of introverted intuition and the fact that I am french with african immigrants parents
I'm a mix of anxious, avoidant and disorganised attachment styles. Yeah realising that my parents were passing these down while they could have had experienced feeling as such growing up and into adulthood from my grandparents' upbringing in the 60s and 70s. To be honest I wanna blame them and I got angry because how could they be reminding me more of why I struggle so damn much with self worth, self esteem, problem solving, communication and mental health. I did the test, and I was essentially saddened. No wonder I struggle a lot with my current relationship too. Self sabotaging behaviours in particular were my "strength" and I find it hard to set boundaries, expressing my feelings and needs, resolving issues maturely, and always trying to avoid conflict/confrontation by ironing it out with "win-win" ideas. Not a good revelation at just how much I've got to fix and heal at the beginning of 2020, but I guess it will surface soon or later anyways. Thank you for making this video too, Amy.
Listening to you talking about this I resonated so deeply. I punish myself for never doing enough, I push away those who get close to me or give away all my autonomy to please my partner. Ugh. Hearing that you're also an aquarius, I just felt so seen and heard. Thankyou.
I don't know if we're all living in the same parallels or idk it's hard to explain but I really needed this video at exactly this time and day. Your content is amazing, thoughtful and kind. Please never stop doing what you're doing. Thank you so much.
Amy you're the big sister I never had TT I came out as secure but I trully feel like this is by being exposed to videos like yours because they're so educational. And then I realise how opening it is to know English because it is just an open door do a loooot of information ! I really wish I could show your videos to my boyfriend and make him take the test but unfortunately that would be a bit difficult to translate... Anyway a huge thank you Amy, as always, we really appreciate the fact that you're this honest with us❣️
Amy is really calling me out with that avoidance-dismissive attachment 😳 I didn’t even realize how my current actions towards love are so significantly tied to my childhood
This explains so much!! I believe myself to anxiously attach while my ex was avoidant-dismissive. I can definitely see now why things didn’t work out.
Wow, I feel like I relate so much to you on a lot of levels. My 'natural setting' falls along the dismissive-avoidant style, particularly in romantic relationships. However, self development is really important to me, and I genuinely enjoy getting to know and truly understanding people. This is really easy for me to do with friends on a platonic level, but my dismissive-avoidant tendencies come out full force while dating.
The first time I even really opened myself up to the idea of dating someone was at nineteen, the end of my freshman year. I cut it off after a month of talking because I knew it logistically wasn't going to work out, but I really struggled with keeping my self-sabotaging thoughts in check.
I'm still trying to come to terms with the idea that romantic relationships are a positive thing that can bring more joy to your life, when I'm so secure by myself. I don't know what my needs are, as I'm used to meeting them all by myself. Also, I know that I would struggle with thoughts of ending the relationship during lower periods and disagreements, because I wouldn't be dealing with those if I were single.
I have faith that I will be able to have a healthy, safe relationship one day, one that doesn't feel like a violation of my boundaries. You really have further exemplified this for me. Thank you for sharing!
PS i'm also a gemini rising, and half my chart is aquarius :)
I didn’t really recognize my attachment style until after my emotionally abusive relationship. & now in a healthy relationship I am learning so much to correct the mistakes I would have made in the past. I am so thankful and glad that with therapy and my own hard work, I see the improvements in myself and don’t just give, give, give, can handle conflict better, am more independent, and know my worth. This video was great and is super important! I hope people who did not think much about their attachment style before, does now!
This is lovely! Especially seeing a dismissive avoidant transform as that is a scarce sight!! (Not necessarily because DAs don’t transform but maybe even when they do they don’t share about it). Very lovely and congratulations on your transformation and relationship!!! :))
I am a hybrid of type 2 and 4! Thank you so much for this video I got to understand sooo many things about who I am while in a relationship. I really used to question myself and wonder why I acted the way I did during my first relationship last year. I loved that person so much, but I was very controlling and jealous, and his "Free" and flirty non-romantic nature made things even more difficult. I am a person who loooves love and I love having somebody by my side (without losing my independence) but at the same time I tend to overthink a LOT. I am seriously terrified of ending a relationship, not because I am scared of being alone, but because I am scared of the fact that I will lose somebody I care a lot about. I am on a journey to better myself in the romantic relationship field so that I won't make the same mistakes next time. We lacked communication in my previous relationship so yes, I have come to the conclusion that communication is key, both from my side and my partners' so I am working hard on that. I am really excited for this video series and I am sure it will help me a lot!
madamebloom omg I can totally relate to absolutely everything you said! You are not alone and keep in mind that you shouldn’t feel like you’re the “problem” in a relationship because of your character or your needs. I hope everything goes well :) keep growing! xx
@@stevy_n thank you so much for your kind words! It really feels good to know there's somebody who understands how I feel! Hope everything goes well for you too!
This is so interesting, I see a little bit of myself in every type, but I defiantly mostly fit into the avoidant- fearful. I'm a very caring partner and always try my best to communicate my needs but often struggle, I get terrified when I have feelings fo someone because I hate the idea of being codependent on someone, so I will push people away when things get a little overwhelming, even if I still want someone there. At 16 I lost my dad, who was my rock and did everything for me, I then was forced to grow up extremely quick and become fully self- reliant by 18 living alone and working full time. Thanks for the insightful videos Amy, they are so helpful and interesting to watch !!
Hi Amy, I came across your video by chance during a week where I was being triggered. I have to thank you for putting out these videos. I’m first generation Greek, born in Montreal..totally relate to conditional love and what you said about knowing that our parents have past down their experiences to us and healing my inner child.. this is hard to do.. and I appreciate your words. Thank you!!
That’s so soso crazy!! It blows my mind to hear how much we are alike by how we interact with people and how we react. I’m really happy and proud of you that you worked on your issues. I’ve still a long long way to go but you are so motivating. Thank you so much for sharing. Listening to you has been the highlight of my day!
Commenting because I want the algorythm to be very kind to you hun ✨
Zuzia Szadziul ☺️thank you
ive read and listened to attachment styles multiple times and i always re/learn with each interpretation and general consciousness that it brings. I have recently been glad to hear/see people acknowledge hybrids. im definitely on the anxious attachment but can have secure tendencies within logic outside of emotional situations, and would beat myself up when its clear that i havent fully made it to secure attachment but after hearing (shanboody) talk about her hybrid and experiences in her recent video (and now yours), i have found it easier to admit or more so accept that reality. recent events and patterns are showing me that i have a lot to develop and practice which this video reminder helps approach those things. ps, so cool to learn from you amy - i know it has for sure been at least two years but probably more !!
Gratitude for the guidance towards you & Thank-you for sharing, fellow Aquarian here - I felt your energy the moment you came on the screen, brilliant & inspiring! I have read, time and time again - how a 'negative' attribute of this sign can be 'Avoidant' or 'Aloof' - still on this transforming journey myself it gives me hope I will achieve Secure!
Love to you sister x
YES AMY YESSSSS!!!! THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT. one evening i went down the rabbit hole of researching attachment styles and SO MUCH MADE SENSE. not to bash childhood trauma cause guess what, we all have it!!!! but it's so important we accept recognise who we are, how we have arrived into the person we are now and then move on, become the version of you that you always wanted to be.
phweee 🥰🥰🥰 this is awesome. also! which style are you?
@@amy_lee i think im moving from anxious-avoidant towards secure, our stories overlap a whole lot (interestingly also moving from an INTJ to INFJ)
i decided to make a point for myself and the people around me to become more: vulnerable, to seek love and being a real/ authentic individual in the past three years. i refused to let anyone in throughout adolescence, deliberately ghosted on people (self-sabotage, fear of being rejected) and always desired the attention from unavailable people.... it's a journey and learning about attachment styles has edged me on to further unpack the impact of sense of self and childhood trauma
@No formality just truth it's a reference to the experience of Alice falling deep into a strange world in "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," i.e. the experience of being uncontrollably stuck in a strange situation
@No formality just truth that's so sweet of you
You Aquarius QUEEN!! THANK YOU for sharing your spirit with such openness and honesty. As an Aquarius myself I've often worried about similar relationship qualities and I am grateful for your words that offer lots of wonderful aspects to reflect on.
i study psychology and have just finished the attachment topic so i am familiar to all the attachment types/styles, all the supporting evidence and the criticism towards the theories. i’ve written extended essays about the topic and have taken a test on it but that was for the soul purpose of education. i realised while watching your video that i never truly internalised my learning and tried to apply it to myself to reach an even deeper understanding. being only 16 and with my anxious-avoidant type i feel like i am too mature because i had to rely on myself for a lot emotionally and mentally so while all of my friends are in relationships or talking about boys i’m over here figuring out why i felt sad when i was moaned at :). you Amy are my biggest inspiration and someone i completely idolise in all aspects, even the ones you don’t find too appealing. i wholeheartedly believe you are a good person and have helped me believe that i am too.
I learned that whatever you practiced during your singleness, you will definitely bring into your romantic partnership.
Of course, there is always room for improvement and adjustments when you finally get into a relationship..
I was the avoidant type.. and I definitely resonated on the tendency to look at what the other person could improve instead of actually focusing on what my needs were and communicating them effectively, clearly and openly.
Now, I'm cultivating more self-awareness and self-compassion for myself, being genuinely curious and interested about myself.. and then actively working and healing or whatever I need to do to be a better human being. I'm single, but I believe I can still progress even if my relationship status changes.
Now, I feel like I have progressed in communicating my needs well, but at the same time, I find myself quite expectant that other people would be too.. but then, I take a pause and accept the reality that people are different and that their journey might be different from mine. Then, I start learning to appreciate that difference and each of our own individualities.
i don't always have enough time to listen to such long and deep videos but i really feel good after watching your videos, good and thoughtful at the same time😳thanks for doing this kind of videos💛
Watching this video a few months late, but I recently broke up with my boyfriend and this video really made me understand why I felt like our relationship wasn’t working out. He is anxiously attached, I am avoidant, and I think we both contributed to why our relationship didn’t work. But I’m gonna try and take this time to myself to really work on myself so that in the future I can not only be a better person to myself but also to other people I am in a relationship with, either in friendships or relationships
This subtle detail that you have become more securely attached WHILE BEING SINGLE really got my attention, because I was so scared that one could only learn how to be with someone while being with someone and that you could only learn by try and error and have to go through a lot of pain. But your example really made me think and maybe romantic love will not be super taboo for my future self anymore.
Please keep seeding awareness in my brain so I can then grow by myself, I'm highly enjoying it (stating my needs like a securely attached, haha) ♥
I’m the anxious style, and the love of my life is the avoidant style. When he wanted to leave I couldn’t understand what I did to make it happen. I’ve been doing so much research on how I came to be the way I am, and why he is the way he is. I found you on tiktok and this video really helped me see things clearly. Thank you
I am beyond excited for this series Amy. I am currently working on shifting my attachment style from anxious to secure in therapy right now. Your videos couldn't speak to me any clearer than they already are. Thank you for diving into these things that are so difficult for people to understand themselves.
thank you so much for this video. as someone who was initially a DA like you and has been gradually learning secure attachment, I was really heartbroken and shattered to realize recently that I had found myself in a very toxic relationship. I finally ended it this past weekend, but Ive felt so disconnected from my emotions since the breakup. watching this video felt like my first breathe in awhile. I was able to feel things a little bit more fully, and come to terms with the disappointment/shock of it all. thank u for such great content
This got me a lot of peace while im going through a break up. ILY❤👍
Okay. I haven't seen the video entirely yet but the thumbnail is gorgeous!
I feel like when I feel genuine feelings for someone regardless of whether we are in an official romantic relationship, are just talking, or even in other relationships like family and friends, that I'm mostly an anxious attachment type. I have had a thicc history of avoiding conflict for fear of abandonment, rejection, or disproval. I have glazed past or downplayed things that hurt me to avoid hurting another's feelings which coupled with my pattern of internalizing emotional or mental pain made it so much easier for me to let myself get walked over, not even taking the chance to see if the other person would care that they hurt me at all, let alone change the behavior or apologize. One thing I've noticed is a worry that if I do speak up, the person would either be hurt by what I say or not care at all... tbh I feel like the second one is even worse
I relate so much to what you said your experience was as an avoidant-dismissive person.Thank you for this video, it helped me a lot
Amy, you are a light and you inspire me (this is my first youtube comment, just thought if I never share it, you would never know, and you deserve to).
I wish you had a podcast!!
I'm definitely anxious type, I have also GAD and panic disorder. I have amazing partner but I feel like sometimes I push my partner away as they can sense my energy. But I am happy giving my partner free space, I do not attack or anything like that, I know most of things are in my head. I want to trust a lot more. I know that I have abandmet issues. When I took the test I had 22% secure and 35% anxious. So I hope I can become a lot more secure.
I loved this so much your videos help so much. Learning about attachment styles always make me understand why I was such a late bloomer in relationships. And why I never wanted to depend on people in relationships because my parents where so codependent that I never wanted a relationship like that. But I also didn’t want to be alone so it can be so confusing at times how to navigate what I need and what’s healthy~
The AM with Amy should be a podcast!!
love how real you are. people want to see what they can relate to the most
You speak with lots of clarity
me: *listens intently to amy describing a particular attachment style*
amy: *lists off things that perfectly describe me*
me: oh shit.
thank you for making this video, Amy. as an aquarius moon, I can truly feel the struggle. what I find most challenging in healing this is being aware of the small things that the brain tends to push out into the shadows. can't wait for part two!
thank u for this video amy! this has always been a topic i’ve thought about and u just verbalized it all really well (as always) 😭 thanks for creating a safe space for all of us 🥺
Monica M of course! it’s a safe space here always 🥰🥰🥰 sending you lots of love monica
I went through a breakup recently and have been confronted with so many of my own flaws through this process. I resonate so much with your attachment style. It has helped me to make sense of it a bit more. Thank you for sharing!
I needed this ! Perfect timing. I took the test and I’m anxious attached and secure (both), had an abusive father so I guess that’s why. Love your videos so much Amy !! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences from your childhood
I was introduced to the “attachment style” theory and each type last year and I found it really interesting! I kept watching videos about it because I was so fascinated about the inside world each and every one of us can have. I’m really glad you made a video about it :)
I took the quiz and I got mostly secure but my second highest was anxious, pretty spot on
That's when self care and love is needed. You should do a video about self love and care.
I recently found your channel and I feel like I met someone that thinks exactly like me. Then I found out your an Aquarius ♒️. Thank you for being so inspiring
Amy you need a weekly podcast asap because you have amazing content that seems to touch so many people . This should be required listening for all young adults. Ps. You look amazing
Amy you are honestly just so amazing, you literally articulate everything so clearly. Your authenticity is just the most beautiful thing❤️❤️❤️
i am rewatching this video and im glad that i was able to do that. i am so proud of what you were able to do. You saw your attachment style and you did the shadow work to really fix it. That is so amazing and inspirational Amy. It honestly gives me hope that one day I can change. i am avoidant fearful. 100%.
Amy you are so gorgeous, thank you for your words!
Finally getting around to watching this and I GET IT NOWWWW. wow 🤯 Kind of glad I slept on this video for 3 months 😅 It probably would have gone over my head if it hadn't been the right time
As a 19-year-old person who has recently sabotaged a relationship because of an attachment style i did not know i had, i can relate to you so deeply. That being said, i am looking forward to the next few years of my life as i grow out of this phase. Improvement comes in small doses hh. Also: Thank you, Amy. Have a good one. 🌸
i more so anxious but i've also been avoidant fearful. since the new year started its been very painful on this healing journey and it all starts with loving myself which i've never given to myself
Can you believe that you posted this a few days ago and I wasn't interested at all. I was having trouble with my partner and I couldn't tell him because I struggle with confrontations but today I opened up and I had always hope he would guess why I was sad and he couldn't even have been able to because after sharing I realized it had nothing to do with what he said at the moment but it was what triggered what I knew from childhood, there was nowhere he would have known. I'm still learning to love, differently from the love I know
I feel like we have so much in common!!
I have been working on myself too and have been with my current boyfriend for 6 months (16/2).
Im an ENTJ!
Please make a podcast, I love to listen to her so much
not yet halfway through this video but you've been dropping so many insights and truth bombs already. love this and love youuu ❤️
I just want to say how amazing and interesting your videos are. You speak loud and vocalize (which i really appreciate because english is not my mother tongue) and talk about very interesting topics, therefore i can spend hours watching your youtube videos. Thank you so much for all the effort you put on this videos!!! By the way you are so beautiful and you give such a good vibes. Saludos from Spain!! ❤️ xxx
So refreshing to see this eye opening kind of content on youtube!! Definitely relate to being avoidant/dismissively attached especially growing up in a korean-western environment but how encouraging to become more self aware about this but YES TO SELF IMPROVEMENT
You are so incredibly eloquent!
THE INTRO GOT ME SO HYPED UP YOU ARE SO AMAZING thank you for taking the time and energy to share such important info about life
it's incredible how much I relate of what you said, never before think the root of why my behavior and my whole self changes when it comes to attachments. In relationships I tend to be avoidant dismissive if I think about it and how getting scared to loose my independence and my personality in a sense. Were literally I stared dating really late at 21 and I have been dismissive in all my relationships now 23. Used to think that was my lack of experience but if I dig deep in to it is attached with trauma from the past repressions that I get as child and early teenage years and how all I tend to run away every time I catch feeling for someone...
I need to do some introspection and to work to move of this state...
will go to search for more thanks Amy ♡
first of all thank you so much to talk about this subject , actually, I didn't know that im an Anxious Avoidant person tell I wach your video, I always reject anyone coms to my life and I don't talk about my needs,
OMG I just realize I'm a sensitive person
Really loved this video!! I've been thinking about my past relationships for a while now and believe I have an avoidant-fearful attachment style where I tend to idolise my partners and almost desperately crave a deep connection, but yet I can't seem to truly connect and break up with them after around 6 months. I think it's mostly due because I lost my sister when I was younger and tried to ease this burden for my parents by not showing emotions and needs at all. Would be really interested to hear about some of the work you did individually that is helping you right now to communicatie your needs more effectively!
I love your videos and realizing your an INTJ too makes love your channel even more
I feel u girl. Can relate :/ ( 18 and still kinda scared to start a relationship)
Bixxx E Same! I am scared of commitment and I don‘t know why.
same here, I'm turning 19 in april
@@piasieling4292 Me too😔
I had an "entanglement" and am now more scared to be in a relationship than I was before I was in it🥴 but this video and the one about feeling unworthy and unloved helped spark a feeling of hope that the trauma I've experienced can not necessarily be reversed but that I can heal and grow from it with time and effort (: one of Amy's comments said to remember that not everyone is going to hurt you and some people do want to stay, which I feel may be helpful for the both of us to be mindful of💖
I have no words to describe how much i love am with Amy. This just feeds my libra curiosity of different things and perspectives. Much love 💞
I use to be the anxious one. But now I am much more secure and don’t feel that fear of abandonment or rejection if I speak my mind or speak my needs. If someone can’t take me beeing honest and having needs I’m not suppose to be with that person 👍 I still get anxious when I don’t get that natural flow of communication and the guy don’t text me back to name one thing but this part I am working on right now and I hope that I can be more chill.
Watching this right after an emotional argument just teared me up. I give and give and give and hear and hear and hear and give advices but no one is really there for me. And when it comes to myself, I do the opposite of what I advice to others. 2. Anxious totally relates to me. And as a cancer Sun, I can get clingy at times
I love watching your AM with Amy videos. Your voice is really soothing to listen to while I'm doing my morning chores haha!