Tricking narcissists into feeling bad for their actions (AITA)
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 พ.ค. 2022
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
They probably don’t wanna be *seen* being cruel. They don’t mind being cruel (they live it) but they don’t wanna be seen as a bad person.
Exactly!! A sociopath on the other hand will not care as long as they're getting their hot coffee.
This 👍
Absolutely. Their social facade is everything for them. They have a twisted understanding of it, but they won't risk loosing it altogether.
🎯
Bingo! My ex to a T!!
I remember working at McDonald’s as a kid and this older guy was flipping out because the senior coffee went up - literally - 2 cents. I apologized while carfully reminding him I didnt set the prices. He didn’t back down, continued spinning out so I asked, “Do you have grandchildren?” And when he confusingly replied “Yes” I asked him “Would you want someone screaming at your grandkid like this?” He was so thrown off… he looked embarrassed and chilled out.
Great response. Narcs can learn empathy, but may not feel it. You need to guide them through. Job well done! Bravo
WoW! What a great move! Thats perfect :D
Great reply!
Yep, put it all back onto their lap where it belongs!
That sucks but it helped bring out great strengths and skills of your that I hope have continued to serve you well.
I think public shame is the only thing that really frightens them. In my experience, when dealing with a prominent narcissist- that’s sometimes the only protection you have most times from their abuse. It’s very sad to think they care more about their reputation than their loved ones.
They don't have loved ones. They have people that meet their needs.
Im a master at public shaming I only pull it out for people that truly deserve and her ass did and I got my confidence back.
It's true. Publically embarrassing or harming a Narky, is one of the few things that might stop them from persuing and persecuting you. But it's hard to do because it makes you look like the wrongdoer. It has to be the right time and place.
Yeah. I had a narcissist best friend/boss/elder’s wife/preacher’s wife (oh yes, all rolled in one) who tried to convince me to not take care of my mom when she broke her knee. Said if I didn’t follow through with my job that my reputation would be tarnished. How exactly?? I tried asking for time off, not quit. She fired me. Instant retribution happened on their family which included illnesses and even a family death (that they of course took time off for). Well guess who got booted from the very organization they founded a few months later?? Idk if they’ve learned their lesson at all
@katepamplin3444 I don't want death for anyone but it's their karma but I don't think they believe in karma. But that is what you witnessed.
Omg I love that she called narcissism a mindf*ck because that is EXACTLY what it is
It most certainly is!!!
What a brilliant idea, faking consequences for those who kiss up and kick down. Agree with you Dr. Ramani, this should be trained in customer service. Publicly shaming narcissists is something we should all embrace. The world is waking up to narcissism and it’s about time we stop enabling and start holding them to account.
Make them walk around with a sign: YES, IATA!
@Bruce Wayne - 🦇🦇🦇
@Bruce Wayne - 🦸🏻♀️
This is not publicly shaming. Shaming would be: "Dude, how dare you come in here and browbeat a vulnerable young person? What is wrong with you that you need to bully like this? Punching down like this? " [I have done this and it worked, actually. I started with "I think it is reprehensible that you would approach under the guise of wanting to help, but what you really want to do is leverage off of another person's moment of vulnerability to steal power at that person's cost. Shame on you."] Sort of the modern equivalency of the stocks. What this is is more sophisticated, a display of finesse, tapping into, as Dr Ramani says, the narcissist's aversion to consequences and their deep well of shame.
@@taom9004 I would love to see people publicly shame a narcissist like that. That would be pure gold!
When I knew I was leaving my retail job, I started talking back at customers the way they talked to me. The look on their faces was priceless.
👌🤣🤣🤣
I did the exact action... good for you!
That’s good. I’m always so polite to service people, even when there are mistakes etc. I don’t understand how people can be callous to others. Please and thank you for a long way + good tips to making someone’s day.
@@schuylergeery-zink1923 the answer is entitlement (assuming its not just been a bad day for the customer). They never worked in the service industry and dont realise how hard the job can be and how easily mistakes can happen and so expect perfect service every time OR ELSE.
I love that, 10/10
I'm grateful that you distinguished shame from accountability, because narcissistic people tend to only feel "put on the spot" moreso than feeling any actual remorse for their actions.
NAILED IT! Put on the spot!
And because YOU are the one to put them on the spot, they suffer narcissistic injury. And when they experience narcissistic injury, they rage out on you. YOU are now the problem. YOU are the one that owes HIM an apology. YOU are the one that needs to be punished.
This is so true!
@@weegeegirl OMG nailed it!!
I brought my narcissistic mother to a shuddering halt when in public she told everyone she wished I had gone to college. I straight up looked her in the eye and said out loud that I hadn't because she dissuaded me. My younger sister of course got every but of encouragement and support.
Ditto. Middle child who always came second to older or younger siblings
Opposite in my family. Oldest Sis was Golden Child all the way.
my little brother got sick, and my Nmom started complaining about how he puked and how her highness is entitled to not have to care of her own kids and so on, when my brother said "you know, you could atleast ASK if im okay" and she got quiet. the problem is, he felt guilty for saying that, as if he was the one in the wrong, and not the narcissist.
My mom used to make me clean up my own puke. I was selfish to make the extra work for her and the possibility of her getting sick if she cleaned it up. We were always such a burden.
@@lisalambert81865 awful stuff.
I point it out now I do do it when my mother say something nasty to my daughter or me I say that was nasty we all say things sometimes that hurt people but when someone say that to me I apologize. They never do they do what your mother did that just don’t say anything
My mom is a narc but her one thing she lightened up for was childhood illness. And I figured out why.
The only time I ever had a migraine (vision rattling with booming as I walked omg pain!) was 7th grade. We were living with grandma while my narc dad was at an Air Force school.
Stayed home to sleep, used to my family's way of treating the ill. But grandma made me get up and pick up her two BIG dog's poop from the yard. My aunt was my age (3mo older). Never saw her picking up crap! And one of them were hers!
That's how mom became narc but was nice about illness.
@@lisalambert81865 Sounds like my grandma would have done that too. Glad I never had to find out. So sorry. That is cruel.
Agree. Brilliant strategy. Narcissists will push the tantrum envelope as far as possible and then stop only when it becomes uncomfortable for them.
Time for them to feel a smidge of empathy at least
When ppl start noticing their behavior
True. My sister knew very early on that she could scream and pitch a fit to get her way. It was embarrassing. I’m talking about a college age woman doing this. Once she got what she wanted, she’d turn with a smirk and waltz off satisfied and bragging to me.
@@OneWhoKnowz . That’s what I did to the narcissist who tried to manipulate me. When I showed him screenshots of what he said, he would be ashamed and tell me to leave him alone.
The only time they feel bad is if their actions are something that gets the response they wanted but that response makes them look bad.
I've experienced this with narcissists where I called them out publicly and magicically certain negative behaviors of theirs stopped. I've also seen them try to overcompensate to try to prove that they aren't a narcissist by doing the opposite of what they were called out on.
"Empaths are true narc slayers.
When forced to, we can be a narcissists narcissists as well."
So true. I started to mirrored my narc ex and treated him the way he treated me and used exactly words he said to me “ you are crazy “ “ I didn’t say that” He acted so hurt and angry. Even though I feel really bad about that I hurt him, but I didn’t show that to him. The difference between he and I is that I felt guilty that I hurt him but he feel joy and in control when he did that to me. Then he started to call me narcissist psychopath. 🤨 sure because I just mirrored your actions. Lol
I’ve done this after break up with 2 narcs now. I turn off my empathy and call them out for everyone to see. I play them like they played me. There is some justice in seeing them finally crumble a little for once ☺️💪
The empath supernova is brutal. They will wish they never met us
That's why they run from you like the plague....
@@DTaz1105 Thank you for letting me know this no wonder!!!! my mother is the narcissist and I finally awakened after facing cancer and seeing her evil ways and cruelty. I suffered for what I was going thru, then the realization and disappointment of being born out of such an evil soul. She has destroyed so many many lives. But once I healed, was strong and completely emotionally detached from her then, I faced her. As many of my friends told me you are like the phoenix arising from the ashes and when I got to face her I knew where I could hit and break her and yes I can see she is running and I can say good riddance! for ever and ever in all eternity. Dr. Ramani and knowing of this online community was of great help.
Our Local coffee shop. Woman walks in midday in heels and a fur coat. Cuts the entire line and hands a gift card to young male cashier and orders her drink. Boy gives manager a look, “What do I do?” Manger says “Yes, we accept that card.” He gets her drink, hands it to her and she said “Give me my card back”. The manager says, “You’re actually in line behind the man in the red knit hat. You’ll be given your change after he’s served, or, if you’re in a hurry, you can use the balance to pay for all these guests until it runs out”. Sweet!
Someone w a working brain stem
Nice!
Love when Hollywood scenes happens in real life…or is it the other way around?
LOVE THAT
Genius
I love this! Beating the Narc, publicly, with dignity and leaving them with nothing to hold on to.🥰 Just like how they treat everyone else.
I find myself working for a narcissist… just started the job about a month ago. Already looking for a different job. I just got out of an 11 yr marriage to a narc. I now have learned to spot them easier after listening to your podcasts…. Thank you!
good for you. get out asap.
Yes! Once you spot their nonsense get out!!
I have a boss just like that. Pure evil. And is not a equal opportunity employer. just so happens I have some dirt on him due the unjust business practices. Having fun thinking about what I'm going to with that
Oh… having siblings all narcissists…I’ve grown into taking nothing from public when they try to play me. I worked at a bar just to help a friend out and it turned into a part time moonlighting job. I’m fair and condescending tones with me only made me slow down your service. But this one guy cuts in front and I looked at him as if “ what do you need” he starts telling me what he wants and stops he can’t decide so as he decides in that split second I look over him because a disturbance was brewing in the line behind him. I just darted my eyes and he says “ hey! (With two fingers pointing at his eyes) eyes on me! “. Before I could even think I blurted “ oh no, you are not talking to me like that. Matter of fact I’m not talking to you the rest of the night. That’s it… who’s next? “ all the people started laughing… I wasn’t. He tries to argue saying “ oh you are that kind” I said.. “ I told you I’m not talking to you and you are in the way… last time I’m saying this. You will have to wait for another server or go home.” People were laughing and he left. I swear you are not going to do that to me. Eyes on me! Asshole had to learn not everyone cowers to your pompous ass. This is a healing scapegoat… we are a force to be reckoned. Thanks Dr. Ramani
Reminds me of my nex who used to force me to sleep facing him. I couldn’t roll to my other side because he didn’t want my back turned to him. I swear, these assholes are insane.
@@priscilalondon Tell me about it! What bizarre dysfunctional demands placed on you. Now, I’d eat an onion before bed and sleep with my mouth open. As I grow out of it, I am less tolerant of all that entitlement they command. Regardless of whom. No more.
@@Rexag lol..
Recovering scapegoat here! 🐐 🙋🏻♀️ This is brilliant. Eyes on me…are you freakin kidding me?!! GREAT job 👏🏻 👏🏻 hold on to this feeling & all your hard work!!
@Rex TexasAggie
Oh my gosh, I absolutely loved your comment here. Thank you for helping me “shore up” my own self confidence, and understanding clearly where I’m at.
A “recovering scapegoat”!!! Brilliant!
There’s nothing more powerful & satisfying than recovering one’s own confidence & self respect, especially in the presence of a Toxic Narc. I applaud you…. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Your comment brought me so much joy. Thank you!
Keep up the “good fight”.
That's when you know they actually KNOW how to behave right. Brilliant action!!
Yes this is true that’s also how you get them to confess that they were wrong and it wasn’t just the other person
My mum is a narcissist but she'd also get drunk but would never admit it.
She said some very hateful things and I asked her if she'd been drinking which sent her into a rage. I just stayed completely calm and just stated "well if you weren't drunk, that makes all the things you said even worse" and that shook her. She wasn't expecting the trap to be sprung like that.
I had massive disragulated issues until I found out I have ADHD. I was accused of being a narcissists by the actual narcissists. With my type of brain I'm very susceptible to falling for narcissists and gaslighting.
I understand you
I hear you
Omg i relate!😱 im adhd too! And i think my mom and sis are NPD but they also have add, so they often gaslight and accuse me of things that adhd also makes them do😬 it sucks
OMG what relief to read this…,my ex ( coldhearted criminal defense lawyer) is a narc but accused me of being one! as I’m highly sensitive for abuse I immediately mirror the narcissist so eventually she claimed I was one. I than got my diagnosis of adhd not long after and things started to make sense and I learned about narcissism, guess what I left her and getting married this summer to the love of my life I met 4 years ago.She is a over the hill lonely single narc mother of two today😂❤
I once walked into a office furniture supply shop in a major city to find a Manager yelling and belittling his sales staff. I was a Manager looking for items to set up a project for the Federal government of Australia. I called him out and told him that he had just lost a big business deal through being a bully. And if he didn't apologize I would report him to the Human Rights Commissioner. .... Boy! Did he fall over his fat lip. Tried to worm his way out of saying sorry, demanded to know who I worked for ... Blah blah blah. Turns out he didn't know who the Federal Minister was (my boss) I told his staff never to put up with it and lay a formal complaint if he did. I hope that they were empowered by my intervention. I had 5 of my team with me and they certainly learnt that it is ok to stand up for others who are being abused in public.
VERY different culture in the States, some bosses genuinely act like they are Plantation Masters! If they hit their sales goals, HR and Mgmt. always look the other way!
Good for you!! I bet they felt happy someone said somethings
I think the reason Dr Ramani didn't heart react to this comment, but did to everyone else's, is because it contradicts what she's saying but I think she wrong. I agree with you that standing up to bullies, setting clear boundaries, and being direct with people are a much more mature, professional, and effective way of dealing with problem people. Personally, I think what she is encouraging here is a narcissistic and manipulative way of handling your business and I am horrified a professional would suggest such a thing. 🤦♀️😉
@@lulumoon6942 that's totally against the law in the United States. If someone treats you like that on the job, sue them. No manager or employee has the right to berate or abuse employees whether it be for real or for show in front of employees. That's abusive, unprofessional, and manipulative.
There is a study done a while back about the effects of seeing ones self in the mirror. It was done with kids and Halloween candy, the amount of candy taken was tracked for both in front of the mirror and without the mirror. Less candy was taken by those in front of the mirror.... Guilt has a unique response while a person can see themselves in the present... Take this for what is worth in customer service 😉
Great idea, bring back mirrors behind sales counters! 👍❤️💪
I need to try this on my whole narcissistic family...and myself...picture myself saying it to myself before I say it out loud...
They say if you tend to overeat you should eat in front of a mirror too. It slows down your eating and helps you eat more mindfully.
I'm working through being over my narc bf who is a hairstylist and always in front of the mirror seeing himself. 😐
This is great insight. My mother was a horribly corrosive narcissist. In my praying to forgive her, i was shown how deeply shame based she was (hence, the attempt to costantly belittle, humiliate and shame me for my very existence and every aspect thereof), and how DEEPLY terrified she was of feeling that shame.
The prospect of public shaming to curb their behaviour is brilliant. The problem is, with the close "family" or "friend", they methodically slander you to others, so anything you say is regarded as suspect. And if you succeed despite that, the narc willl wage a campaign of retaliation that may well make YOU regret it. Just relating this to my experience.
This works best in the stranger scenario.
It's really hard to get them accountable for anything, props to anyone that managed to succesfuly do that, i've tried to hold my parent's accountable and it's like trying to pin down a cloud... changing subject, invalidating, denying, rationalizing, minimizing or just straight up trivializing . It's like all they live for is '' i will abuse you in subtlest of ways and i'll enjoy it because you won't pin me down ''
Isn't that just it? They feel great pleasure from the pain they cause.
They take pleasure but i don't think it's in the pain they cause, but in avoiding taking any responsibility. As long as they abuse you while holding plausable deniability they win you lose. that's how they think, at least the way i see it.
Yes...that's the pattern xx
The huge issue of how people are treated in retail type jobs falls mostly on employers. Customers are NOT always right. People who can’t act civil should be told to leave and not come back. Generally, people who act like idiots actually cost business more than they contribute when you factor in the cost of remaking or replacing everything that isn’t perfect in thier eyes and the labor.
Yep. In a business class we learned about employee empowerment. The businesses who give workers freedom to solve problems have happier workers and customers. And those who tie worker hands from solving much of anything have unhappier everyone. I find it's mainly true.
Exceptions are the cases when a worker is left alone (convenience stores for instance) given the keys and no supervision and too much to do but friends coming in distracting them, customers are the first sacrifice from their responsibilities.
Also workers often lie about customers when it was themselves who instigated a problem. But everyone wants to believe the populist lie that the worker is always right and any customer complaining is wrong.
And the customers that just quietly leave and don't come back. I have gone out of my way to givevrepeat business to a place that will not tolerate grown toddler tantrums.
The flip side of this is that there are a lot of disgruntled workers. I have actually been sworn at, simply for asking for my correct order, because they gave me the wrong cup. Nope didn’t go full Karen just said, Sorry, I think I might’ve gotten someone else’s order. Is mine back there? I would also a say, police, fire, first responders and teachers should be highlighted. They have to go through so much schooling and training, get paid less than some people in retail (comparing pay per hour) and have much greater responsibility. In general, the rule of thumb should be cut people some slack, if you expect it and don’t use a toddler’s method of emotional regulation and conflict management. It’s not a good look.
LOL - My teen wants to start a company (works warehouse in a retail store) called, "The Customer is Always Wrong." 🤣🤣
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 Entitlement can definitely go both ways. It's just that this video is about the customers. As a customer I simply take my business elsewhere if the CS is poor.
❤️ One time the narcissist that I was with, who constantly raged on, angry name calling, in my face and was on a roll. I looked at him and calmly said, it must be really hard for you to get those kind of words out of your mouth. He started to cry. I understand this methodology. We need more ways to win. Good people in power❤️
One time, as the narcissist was belittling me, I said to him, who was it in your past that used those words on YOU? That totally shut him up.
Love this 😅😅
Good for you. Smart.
@@marieborchardt2910 bless us all❤️
@@mirananaim5971 ❤️
This is wonderful, my son is 17 and works in the food industry. He cannot believe how privileged some of his customers behave - we loved even the idea of this move! Made us giggle 🤭
I think this is really about the narcissist worried about how other people are viewing them when someone just got fired. It’s ok to throw a temper tantrum, but they know getting someone fired is a bad look. I don’t think there’s any shame. They have no soul. Shame require some sort of human feeling. They don’t have that ability.
That was amazing!!! It's great that management was supportive about this.
"The customer is always right" is the most enabling and weaponized phrase in the history of mankind. More dangerous than nukes and pandemics.
Come on, you almost had me there until the end. Compared to nukes? And covid? Together? It's dangerous Verbally and as a Policy but let's not get carried away with statements like that.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 we were not ever discussing all the customers in all the lands, honey. We are talking about a very select few that try to diminish, disparage and deliberately caused harm to people that are serving them. Again, nuances. And trusting others to discern for themselves.
As long as we treat our children as objects for expectations, judgements, measurements, as long no Narc has to fear anything.
"the customer is always right in terms of taste" was the original phrase. meaning if they like a disgusting drink then its a delicious drink. not they have a right to abuse workers. but like most sayings, it was taken out of context
"The customer is always right" is really just saying "Money over everything".
I have found that when someone is being an asshole for no reason and overly aggressive about something silly that the BEST way to respond to them is to calmly say, "I am trying to help you, you do not need to me rude to me/yell at me". So far, this has stopped these people in their tracks and they always say, "Oh, I wasn't yelling at you/being mean..." and I say, "Yes, you were. But I am trying to help you so you need to not do that".
This works SO much better than getting heated back and making it a battle of wills.
Oh, that would absolutely enrage some of the narcissists I know. I would be accused of patronizing them.
I'm currently a customer service representative for credit cards at a major bank. I've had all kinds of reactions from people who are rude to me. I've actually had them retort and say that I'm the one being rude to them but they quiet down or hang up without getting anything done. The winner in this is when I've proactively credited back fees for them and they continue to rant about them. They often call me 'young lady' not knowing that I'm a former police officer and 63 years old. I have to be somewhat polite to them but I can definitely call them down and release the call after telling them that they have to act in a business like manner.
Unfortunately that doesn't work with my narcissistic family member, but every case is different and I'm glad it's worked for you. I will say that this approach does generally work with non-narcissists, but _in my experience_ not on a narcissist.
I've used pretty much those same lines before and their retort is that "yes I do need to yell at you" and "no you're not helping me." You get the idea. They're extremely tenacious and _will_ continue to go back and forth no matter how reasonable you're being, no matter how much evidence you provide for your stance. It isn't worth it. These days I simply have to physically remove myself from their presence.
Getting heated is absolutely what they want. They want to dump on you or make it seem like you're the one who feels like they actually feel and they don't. Holding them accountable for their behavior is a must, instead of just getting angry.
I would say that what really triggers shame is not so much the fact that their actions may lead to consequences for somebody else (that would be some form of empathy) as much as the consequences for themselves, i. e. being viewed as jerks who made somebody redundant in the public eye.
Yes. Spot on comment.
👊🏾🎯
This was an excellent insight into the behavior of a Narcissist. I have experienced situations similar to what was described in the video. You would not believe how emotionally abused hair stylist are by clients, people will lie to get a repeat FREE service. It's shocking! This video is spot on. 👌 Thanks!
When I was in high school, I worked at a fabric store with bargain bins full of cheap notions at the end of every aisle. It was common for people to toss things they didn't want into the bins, but it was also common for people to claim they found an expensive item in the bins to try to get the discounted price. A woman came through the checkout with a spool of thread that rang up at $3. She became angry and stated that she pulled it from the 50¢ bin and we had to legally honor the lower price. I explained that the law applies to mispriced items, not misplaced items. If it was the only spool of it's kind in the entire bin, it wasn't mispriced, it was misplaced, so I couldn't honor the sale price but I offered her 50% off the higher priced spool of thread. She threw the spool of thread at my head and stormed out. To this day, I don't trust anyone who says they're a quilter. Lol
🤣🤣🤣
My mom worked at a fabric store and told me similar stories. She is also a quilter. Don't stereotype 😄😄😄
I worked at a gift shop that sold fancy soap, a guy came in a raged at me about his favorite soap being discontinued. After I looked everywhere for any remaining stock he noticed another customer in the shop, he then gave me a $10 bill and apologized and walked out.
I really love when the highly lingual Dr. Ramani uses terms such as ‘the THIS is not THAT enough’. She is so relatable. I’ve said it 💯’s of times…so glad this survivor community has her.
I have a Narcissist Sister. We work customer service for a clock shop my Son owns. My Sister works the AM shift and I work the PM shift. A few of the customers have complained about her being rude to them to me. But, from her side of the story they are rude to her. Your video made me think that maybe she is meeting her own kind and they are clashing?? She's a full blown Narcissist, and has been since childhood. We have never worked together before, and boy is she a "drama mama"!! Thanks for your videos. They sure have helped me to understand her better... If she were not my Sister, I would not be around her. That's how bad she is....🙃 God Bless.
I so wish I could have done this back in the early 90s when I waited tables at a restaurant! Toxic people can’t help exposing their dark side when someone is waiting on them as part of their job.
Mostly very true, unless there are hard core love bombing right then.
My mother LOVES to fight with people. It is an outlet for her anger and fuels her “I’m the true victim” mentality. She would probably try to fight with the manager over firing the person. And she would likely go back to fight them again and again until they called the police. Then she would fight with the police. Then she would fight with everyone along the way through the court system about everything from her charges to the grammar and punctuation on the paper the charges are printed on.
Lol. I'm sure you're not always laughing about this but I hope you were writing this in a humorous mood because it was comic genius!
@@XYZ-mn2zu
I do laugh about it more now that I’m an adult. It’s pretty ridiculous. 😏
That's so like the mother of the person I'm dating!
@@arnekgriswold9059 ran away as far as u can
"no end to enablers"
ugh, so true... theyre worse than the offenders sometimes.
The roughest things about any jobs I ever had in hospitality/foodservice/retail were the karens of both genders. Best things about waiting tables/bartending were getting fed and leaving with tipmoney in our pockets everyday. A narcissist manager fired me from one of those jobs I badly needed once for no reason, though looking back I think he actually was afraid I made him look bad or something because I really needed that job and might’ve been showing initiative he perceived as an ambitious threat or something. He absolutely waited until his boss left, came and said something to me, and I don’t even remember what I said back but it was not a negative type of answer whereupon he screamed “I am your boss” and then let me go-so it was completely manufactured, I think probably for the security camera or something.
Anyway years later I recognized him in a Bed Bath and Beyond. Long time since he’d been the manager (“vice president“ lmfao) of that defunct little snakepit. I didn’t say hello but I didn’t avoid him and didn’t know if he recognized me or pretended not to because he was ashamed or what, but when I got home I called and told the store manager they should drug test him and left it at that. It did eventually get back to me through someone we knew in common that he got let go and had known it was me (which I hadn’t made any effort to conceal I just don’t remember if I gave my name or know if he recognized me or if they maybe looked up the receipt based on the conversation or something). It was interesting (astonishing) to me that the comment he made to the person we knew in common was “That was so long ago I thought we were cool“. As if, but like you said no concept of his temper’s real consequence to me. Always one standard for themselves and another for everyone else.
And at no point did their own intolerable drug use come up for them as personal responsibility, I'm sure. Typical.
@@lulumoon6942 The difference between having manufactured a reason to let me go and having been let go for a reason anyone else also could be? No, you’re right probably not…because it’s easier to focus on my motivation being retaliatory/spiteful instead. Still though, I think imagining it in some more-distant past was rationalization of the requisite doublestandard. Funny thing about narcissistic entitlement….there’s the kind that plays with facts in order to justify itself and then there’s the kind that doesn’t even bother. I’m pretty sure it’s the kind that doesn’t bother that nobody can do shit with, because ultimately that kind was more-likely taught (by parental favoritism) than compensatorily-fabricated (so not victimization at all within it’s own referential sphere).
Either way though I don’t see compulsive behaviors as spitefully or even negligently directed at peripherally-affected others. I just was aware that generally publicly-traded national employers have the most-objective least-compassionate (so least manipulable) strategy among the usual affected. If there’s anything being on the receiving end has taught me it’s that we only learn the lessons we can’t avoid
I'm glad you did that.
The fact you ex-manager said "That was so long ago, I thought we were cool" just proves s/he knew they did something bad to you ... Bcus there would be no reason for "being cool about something that happened" if the thing that has happened was good... You can only be cool about something from the past if it affected you in a bad way, and having your manager saying that sentence just proves they know they did harm...
1986 When I was in my mid 20’s, I managed a women’s clothing store in a mall. I couldn’t believe how people treated employees, and even me! We had a woman come in to get a refund without a receipt before I started my shift that the employees could not authorize without my signature. My cashiers called to warn me what I’d be greeted with when I came in. She started with give me my f’ing money. I calmly explained policy, that I could authorize the refund, but would not until she calmed down and spoke respectfully to my staff and me. She didn’t. I told her I’d call security to remove her if she did t calm down. She didn’t. This went on for about 5 minutes. I turned to call and she left in a huff, without the refund. There were customers in line who commented to me how could I stay so calm while she raged. I think it was transference. I was paying back my Dad who would rage at me and my other 5 siblings. It was very satisfying to me to not let her ruin my whole day!
We had our share of path-o’s too. Like the woman who had her kid shit under a clothes rack because we didn’t have a bathroom she could use, when the mall bathroom was not far out our front door.
I dealt with so many arrogant raging narcissists in my jobs including the malignant narcissist I divorced . I so wish I could have used that firing tactic to shame those insecure jerks that felt so powerful bullying .
I feel guilty for having revenge fantasies🤦♀️
I start to study psychology in August, but I see her videos everyday, in every free time I have, are least in Costa Rica all this knowledge is not taught in the university. Thanks for everything I have learned :))
Check "narc daily" Andrew from Costa Rica
This is so refreshing. I have just been able to understand my relationship and understand my partner is a narcissist. One thing I have been doing is instead of discussing one on one an issue (cause I know he doesn’t hear) I will bring it up in company. That’s my only way of knowing he is listening.
Now that I've realized my MIL is a covert, vulnerable type narc, I regret not calling her out in front of family when she insulted me or was unsympathetic or rude to other family members. Everyone just ignored her and let her "get away" with it. Too late now that I've cut ties but boy something like this would have made her see...at least for a moment ..what an unsympathetic and mean person she was and would have been quite satisfying.
I doubt she would ever see anything. She would play the offended victim and make you feel bad.
@@priscilalondon I agree. I once called one of these characters out. You have to be prepared for them to play the victim.
It won’t work. They are master manipulator. The smear campaign would have kicked in well before and everyone will fall for their victim BS. It just gives them more supply
When my mom would say such cruel things in front of others on purpose, I wish I would've cried instead of putting my head down.
These kids are brilliant! This video has added another piece into solving the narc puzzle for me. Recently my narc was doing something cruel to another person over whom he has power. I don't bother arguing for myself anymore because I gray rock, but I wasn't going to let him do this to an innocent person without letting him know that it was absolutely immoral. He got angry with me, but a little while later he fixed what he had done. Now I know that he's vulnerable to being shamed and I will shamelessly use that against him when he's being mean to others. 🤫
Shame is the only emotion my narc responds to.
You go girl!!😊
Be careful though. The narcissists I know will never forget being shamed and will plot revenge for all their life.
@@sunnymoondog I agree with you-- your need to know just how Machiavellian/ strategic they are,, you need to know whether they are highly skilled at misleading other people and recruiting allies, and you need to consider whether they have any means of harming you. When the other person is high- functioning and has no conscience, it's not always wise to embarrass them.
@@gobigirl1 exactly right. It's terrifying.
Brilliant! Anyone who defends or supports abusive behavior is an enabler. We are taught in school to just be nice to the bully and then he/she will be nice back to us. No! Abusive behavior should not be tolerated and there should be consequences. There’s a long line of tolerance in many aspects of life, that’s for sure.
That was BRILLIANT of those workers!!!! That's a great way to find out if a customer just wants something for FREE!!!!!!! I will mention it to a few places I frequent. Hopefully they will do the same and catch people being rude and putting them in their place without them realizing that they are being put in their place.
I love this and having worked customer service for years can relate. Sadly, I don’t think any company would be brave or honest enough to incorporate this into their “customer service quality control.” Companies in this era, at least the big ones are narcissistic models.
That sounds like a good idea, pretending to fire someone in public. However, I would be truly embarrassed if it were me. I wonder psychologically, getting fired over and over again, even if it is for pretend, affects a person. However, we need some kind of tool, to teach the narcissist a lesson. Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing. You are awesome
My favorite tool is telling them their behavior is unacceptable and asking/telling them to leave and not come back. 👌🏼
@Bruce Wayne totally agree. Though personally I’ve had this exact same convo with family members too 😆. Most of the time they permanently wind up out of the circle but a few of them have shaped up and it’s been worth it either way because life is so much more peaceful.
I think I'd have a blast getting pretend-fired and acting really dramatically. I can almost cry on queue, so putting that skill to the test would be fun, in my opinion.
Let's get all these narcissists to feel some empathy!
@Bruce Wayne I feel your pain. I can relate
completely to what you say. Sad!
I never thought of that...like you are putting on a performance at an amusement park
I once filmed my mom while she was yelling at me.
I showed it to her later when she calmed down.
She wouldn't look me in the eyes for a month.
You can fight back with reality very easily.
Nice. When my narc was screaming at me one day I told her to go say the exact same thing to her children and her husband. You could hear this pause and then she hung up.
Great point Dr. Ramani made at the end, when she said You can't shame a narc by yourself 1on 1. But when there is some form of public reckoning, that makes all the difference and can cause the narc to actually feel shame.
This is brilliant! It's a combination of "the narcissist has to win" and "be careful what you wish for."
The narc threw a tantrum, wanted to speak to the manager, they got what they wanted, but then they realized that their unnecessary rage cost someone their job for no good reason.
I see what you mean - working as a receptionist some years ago, at times I felt my job was mostly soaking up the anger that people had. But I also had a very gifted manager, he had amazing people skills set. We had this agreement with him that if a problem arises and the guest of the hotel refused to see that what they want was outside my power, I would immediately ask them if they wanted to see the manager. You would be surprised how many of them became soft as clay at this offer as they saw me as someone they could abuse since I am only a staff member and therefore am beneath them. But the manager is a completely different level of the game, so to speak - very few actually said 'Yes, call the manager.'
When dealing with those who have that mindset that Customer Service employees are meant for licking the boots of the public, this is tactical.
If the part of the acting also included the employee getting fired, turning to the narc and fake crying going "why did you do this?! Im going to get evicted and I have a new baby boy, why did you do this to me?!" loud enough for EVERYONE to hear it, it would activate their shame even more...because now EVERYONE thinks they are the bad guy in the room.
I'm a supervisor in customer service. I get the "supervisor calls", usually after a customer has been raging at one of the customer service representatives. This is a great idea and I'm taking notes. Thank you!
Changing the world one cracky asshole at a time😁.That's great teamwork 👏👏
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 oh, sweetie. Are you a diehard enabler or just playing devils advocate? Trust the nuances.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 no one said all customers are villains. That's all in your imagination. Some customers think it's acceptable to take out their frustrations on someone who is just doing their job. That's not acceptable. Please have a little consideration for the people who have to work in these jobs.
I really enjoy the aita videos. They're very telling in regards to real life situations, and you are a very wise woman.
Avoid them like your life depends on it. Just don't walk into the fire. RUN, RUN, RUN
It actually does.. tho..😮
Thank you for this insight! After 20 years running a store I do notice that part of the abusers game is to complain or bully a person if they are alone. When working alone there is a much higher chance for a person to be abused by a client. But if there are 2 or more in the store than the disregulated person thinks twice about having a rant or acting inappropriately. I too wish I had thought of this trick too!
During covid regulations, a customer at the restaurant I work at got irate with an employee (a high school student) asking how she kept her job and how we stayed in business because the employee had asked to see the customer's proof of vaccination (which was a local requirement at this time). This employee was getting visibly more and more upset as this customer ranted and raved about covid restrictions while the manager watched from the side.
Finally the poor employee, near tears, said in exasperation "I'm 16!"
The customer pursed her lips and our manager asked "are you finished bullying a child now?" The customer left but like... That should not have happened and practices like this could really help
Covid brought out the WORST behaviour in people at our food establishment. I could write a book. It's funny(sad?) how the small horrendous handful are the ones we remember though. 🤦♀️
the customer should have dealt with management rather than the child. Bty, asking someone to do something that is merely someones idea is not LAW!
It is discriminating for a corporation even a sm llc to.limit people who chose not to accomodate tyrannical and ineffective demands.
the "Covid" unlawful tyranny has brought put extreme power trip in people who were only borderline narcissists beforhand.
@@christineloz1686 it literally WAS the law here lol whether you (or she) like that or not it was a local government mandate at the time. Once the mandate was lifted our store stopped enforcing it. She should have spoken with the manager, I agree, the manager should have intervened but it wasn't anyone in the store's "idea" to enforce the GOVERNMENT mandate. It was first of all the government's followed by corporate
@@siriusblacksgf
A mandate, policy, orders, codes, are ALL legal fiction...all LAW is by contract.
Unfortunately, the terminally ignorant gave tacit consent or assumsit consent by their silence.
I am going to assume that you are not aware of all the law suits against these unlawful demands?
@@christineloz1686 sure you can assume that if you want. And I can assume your obsession with defending an entitled person you've probably never met to someone you've also never met in the comment section on TH-cam means you have even less of a life than I do which is pretty depressing and I hope you manage to find one. Anyway, as an immunocomprimised person who doesn't have a deathwish or the means to "stay home" and not work, I, for one, appreciated when the government mandated people like you and that woman to stay away from me for my own health and safety and wish we could go back to it because it actually is perfectly lawful (and there is historical precedent for) the government to make citizens do things to protect themselves and others, and it's really damn ironic that people are calling masks "tyranny" when the real tyranny is them telling people like me to stay home if we don't want to die as if our lives are disposable while pretending they're immune to this virus that could very well take them out or put them on disability. And I'm sure you're going to call me ignorant for believing that when I watched covid nearly kill my mother and grandmother and gave me chronic breathing problems and diabetes (yes BEFORE the vaccine, Karen) but go off I guess. At least I do actually have better things to do than reply to this comment anymore than I have and I guess I can take comfort in that
I’ve suspected for a while that my mom might be a psychopath or sociopath (or something in that realm) in addition to being a narcissist. I’m fairly sure that if she were the customer in this scenario, she wouldn’t back down and in fact would be gleefully happy to have gotten someone fired. It’s pretty eye opening to realize this.
My mom is very definitely a dark triad, and I know factually (I'm 41 and been NC over a dozen years... I've had time to really think abt details) she'd enjoy seeing someone get fired. Thing is, I also understand what Dr. Ramani is saying abt shame (her toxic shame is her most obvious feature, and weapon), and she'd act overtly as tho she DIDN'T want them to be fired, because of how that would reflect on her. But still not inwardly actually care. She'd enjoy it, in fact. And be so well-compartmentalized that the astonishing fuckery of all that would never even occur to her. Aware that she's expected by society to feel a certain way and even very good at both identifying the way she should act AND acting like it, while not actually caring a fkn iota except that in her mind, she knows she has to pretend to to avoid consequences. But the shame isn't normal, reflexive narc shame. Even it's only affected. I don't know if I'm making sense, but as I see it she's another entire dimension more unnecessarily complex and baffling than a garden-variety narc.
SAME!!! my mom would have been proudly telling the whole town how she got someone fired. My husband too. They never have their tail between their legs. Afterall, they are always right and would have been "right" about the coffee. They aren't acting. They really believe they are right and can't be talked into backing off.
I've seen this in women before, it's chilling. If you truly suspect this, always put yourself first in every situation without fail or guilt with her, and keep a polite distance emotionally if not physically. They are not to be underestimated, even when handicapped. Best to you. (Former Victim Advocate here) 🙏❤️🌈💞
Malignant narcissists delight in the destruction they cause
My ex would be like I'll get you a job after getting them fired , to be a "hero"
I remember hearing this story some time ago and remember being really surprised that anyone would think this action was bad. So glad you support it! 💜
thats actually a great idea, i also wish i thought of something like that. it is somehow emotionally manipulating BUT for the good and right reasons.
we're basically playing as the narcissists as well (in that so called "prank" on the customers idea). basically playing the victim and seeking for sympathy from the enablers but only to teach people a lesson. that everything we say and do have consequences. if you complain so much about life in general on almost a day to day basis, there is really something wrong with you
I agree, that's a brilliant idea😅 I actually witnessed this with an ex, and I called him out on it, and told him "that could be your daugther one day, how would you feel?" That was totally unacceptable and ir happens so often, it is heartbreaking. Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing this, and for your support💕💕💕
I said that to my husband we were talking about Jeffrey Epstein the rapist pedophile you know and he said something really horrible like well those girls all the whores already homeless I was so shocked I was in the kitchen I almost started crying I’m like you are you so disgusting I couldn’t help it I know I didn’t do any good but that’s horrible thing to say what if that was your kid he doesn’t even care he didn’t even care if that was his daughter they don’t they actually don’t care no empathy !
@@aliceroberts1980 Exactly, I agree with you, they lack total empathy, it's horrible. Thank you for sharing your experience💜
My narc ex explicitly stated to me that he expected me to back him up in public. If I disagreed, we could talk it out at home but I was never to contradict him in public. 🤦
Yuck. ☹
ME TOO!!! I just now realized this is narcissistic as hell.
Front line worker here and can’t agree more. The outright abuse is unbelievable. Nobody expects you to be at your best at these times, and sometimes people apologize later, in which case we gladly forgive their meltdown. But the abusers and narcissists really stand out. It’s as if they feel it’s their right to punish us for their hardship.
This story was a really great way of explaining the confusing “compassion” sometimes shown by narcissistic people. I learned a lot from this video, as I have from many others you have made. You have no idea how much you have helped me heal. Thank you 🙏🏻
I DO NOT think the coffee barista and the owner’s son are the problem here. I agree with you Dr. Ramani, the customer is the problem. I worked in Hospitality all thru my high school years and ran into this a lot. Good for the coffee shop employees.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 I think you may have misunderstood the point... 🤔 True, there are many wonderful customers, but this is about the really bad ones. Sometimes a lesson in mirroring their own poor behavior back to them is what works, or something like that. That's what this video and discussion is about. Not even sure why I'm saying this to you, but it's something I felt needed to be said. Anyway, cheers!
I’m totally loving this AITA. Getting to hear these real life breakdowns of actual situations is so helpful! And what a great idea for these employees to show someone that their tantrums affect others!
Pp
Doctor Ramani I love your videos! I was so happy to hear you agree that this was not a cruel prank. I literally started smiling and laughing when you said you think it's a great idea. You give me such hope in a word full of narcs. I too wish I could've done this when I worked in food and retail. I will say that one time when I was a cashier, I rang up a very rude, demanding customer. He was clearly in a bad mood about something. But me, being an empath, did not respond to his harsh words with anything other than how I normally would respond, with kindness and thanking him and wishing him a nice day. Then something I never expected happened. He came back minutes later, completely apologized, said he was way out of line, and he bought me a bunch of candy bars and then (appearing rather embarrassed) he left quickly. I will never forget it. But I'll never know what made him come back. Whether one of the customers saw him and said something to him, or if he just came back on his own. Certainly not the only time a customer was rude to me, there were way more times than I can possibly remember. But he was the only one that ever apologized for his rudeness.
Most accurate comment in the thread:
"They probably don’t wanna be seen being cruel. They don’t mind being cruel (they live it) but they don’t wanna be seen as a bad person."
And that is a fact.
Oh, I have one!!! Pick me, pick me!!!
I just made a narcissist "friend" of 18 years standing feel really awful, after he told me he was coming home for a visit, then came into town after a 4 year absence ,and stood me up for our lunch date. (He was a former kid I had mentored at 18and who had been my EMS partner for a time.)
I had come into some money back then and told him I 'd put him in my will for $25,000, which was true.
After being stood up and ghosted last week, I wrote and told him the friendship was over and that I had taken him out of my will.
Suddenly, the guy I couldn't get hold of replied within FIFTEEN MINUTES, saying the friendship was more important than the money, blah blah. I never responded and blocked him everywhere.
He was also a huge future faker, always saying one thig and doing something completely different. I thought he'd maybe grow out of it, but he's just an adult asshole now. One who just lost twenty five grand for treating me badly for the last time.
Good job. I'm now 10 days sober from my narc. Going strong.
I am in therapy for alot of things. I have a very rare chemical imbalance. I do not produce serotonin at all. Plus PTSD I AM 18 years younger than my boyfriend (father of my youngest three children). I just want to say thank you so much. You are amazing with out your knowledge and education I would not know what I would have done. I told my therapist that she had to listen to you, in order to understand. So far she had passed your education on and thanks me for it!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STANDING YOUR GROUD AND TEACHING UNDERSTANDING AND KINDNESS WITH SUCH AN EVIL HORRIBLE WAY OF LIFE. I have not been able to leave YET! I HAVE NO SUPPORT. If anyone out there had any information on resources in the Winchester Virginia area please please. I truly need out soon. It's been 7 years and we are fighting for our children. I need to win this fight on my own. Thank you and anyone that reads this.
I am in europe but i pray for you. May God grant you win over the narcissist. And you get to get your children. I think you need a lawyer and a job. These narcs do not stop. A narc i knew has put his sister in an orphanage so he can hurt his mum. Protect yourself and your children. You can do this.
They tell you that you have a chemical imbalance. There are no tests to check serotonin and they tell everyone that. It's a lie. Big Pharma just wants to make money on you and numb you out with their meds. I found personally that when I started doing the inner work, the depression went away. Depression is anger turned inward. I've been off antidepressants for 5 years now. They never did anything but keep me from seeing what the real problems were.
Definitely a great strategy. Its also good for highlighting enablers and flying monkeys as they'll simply back the narc while genuine people will be disapproving and often disgusted at the narc's behaviour.
I absolutely love these AITA analyses! It’s very helpful to have real world examples. This coffeehouse manager is so genius. I worked in restaurants and grocery stores, and people were horrible to us and got away with it. I feel like that empowers them to do it more and more. This probably protected other workers from these people. At least for a while.
Thank you so much for your content everyday Dr. You are a blessing to the internet 🙏
The letter from the kid who worked at the counter really hit home. My ex then 51 year bf, narc that he was, took apart a college student at a the register. It was horrible to watch. I apologized to her after he stalked. I was so shaken up, he had a daughter in college the same age but he screamed at this young girl, that I ended the relationship a couple months later.
Pure genius. As always, the key to handling a narcissist is to give them exactly what they want - just not in exactly the way they want it.
I grew up with a narcissist dad and when I eventually got a job working in customer service I immediately became the person who was called on to deal with the problem customers. If someone came in ranting and raving and throwing a fit, after I talked to them they were either calmed down or in a good mood. Because I didn't play their game, and I wasn't afraid of them. When you are the expert and they are demanding answers from you but refusing to believe you, then hand their problem right back to them because clearly they know how to fix it better than you do. Call their bluff, because it's always a bluff. Most of the time, they are having the worst day of their life and in a panic and they just need someone to listen and take them seriously. No one else I worked with seemed to understand that.
I used to work fast food and retail. I love this idea, I only wish I had thought of it. I would not even worry about the customer recognizing the employees since service workers might as well be faceless anyway. I can't tell you how many times I served my parents friends and because I was working, they didn't even look at me
This great video got me thinking about my other experiences with narc a-holes besides my father and abusive ex...I used to work for a famous ski resort, for many years, and a huge part of the yearly training, regardless of which department you were working in, was how to kiss the behinds of narcissistic customers. YUCK!! Of course this was not presented in this way lol...but it was exactly what we were being taught as we were told to always accommodate, serve, and stay friendly regardless of whatever outrageous behavior you might be confronted with by an irate, extremely wealthy, entitled and dehumanizing customer. I still give props to my old manager for the day when a customer came up to the ski lift line right at closing time...I told the guy, very politely, that I could not allow him on the lift and that we were already doing closing procedures, which involves removing chairs off the lift...this guy threw such a tantrum. Insulted me, belittled me, ranted about his entitlement and right to get on the left after its closed...a lot of "don't you know how important I am?" kind of crap and then...he takes his ski pole and breaks the clock right next to my head! SO out of control, So out of line, SO very narcissistic. I was shaking and pissed and really didn't know what to do so I radioed my manager. He came out to that lift as fast as humanly possible, faster, and chased this idiot down into the parking lot where our local police were also waiting for him. It is possibly my one example of a narc facing consequences and feeling some sense of justice.
Story of my life...
I always knew that my ex had messed up and was publicly caught. These two things would ALWAYS happen. He would suddenly say that he felt a “ breakdown” of some sort was coming and he would call in “sick” for about 3 days. And while he was home, he would treat me doubly worse than ever.
Then, I would hear through the grapevine than he had lost his temper and behaved irrationally toward someone. He was a music teacher and always in the public eye, but he had more students quit and letters from angry parents would come in. He was put on probation more times than I could count.
No…not an asshole! Good for them for holding that narcissist responsible for their actions. I enjoy your videos. Thank you for them. 🙌🏻🙋♀️
It’s kind of a shame that ‘regular’ minded people need to play these games, in an attempt to teach these narcissistic children in adult bodies, how to behave in public, however this was a brilliant idea, and I wish I was a fly on the wall when one of these scenarios go down…lol😉🤣
IT TRULY DOES SUCK TO HAVE TO EXIST IN THEIR HEADSPACE, YES, FOR SURVIVAL!!! (Sorry for caps, venting.)
I'm a black sheep truth see-er and I have to put up with 'regular' minded people all the time. Trust me, you people are just as frustrating as the narcs sometimes, especially during witch hunts, like the covid fiasco.
tbh, the neurotypical brain does not exist. Everyone has their quirks.
@@MissMoontree If you want to be pedantic, sure. However, bell curves exist and we humans can use discernment and practicality when making value judgements on what is considered neurotypical. It's hard to be useful and have good predictive understanding if everything is relative.
It is a game and they should be playing it and stooping down to the level of the narc.
This is an AMAZINGLY hilarious and insightful response to the grids entitlement so prevalent in our society. It SHOWS them how their reactions impacts others by mirroring it right back without lecture or critique.
i love a boss who brings stuff like that.. the first thing i tell young/new coworkers is that they don't have to take rude customers.. we deserve the same respect as the customer and if that's not met then we won't serve them."The customer is king and a king doesn't bargain" i just love that sentence
Once again, you explained the disorder perfectly. I will think on your example as I work in public service and my coworkers will be so happy to understand confusing situations like these.
Thank you very much Doctor ☺️
Brilliant move! What I really learned from this is the idea of "public shame" vs one-on-one. I have seen both - and I've seen the initial "victimhood" of a narcissist when posturing doesn't work and they're in a one-down position - but then the slinking away I have actually seen, as well, and this articulated the dynamics for me so well. I personally have had to work through the feeling of helplessness and anger, growing up with a narcissistic father and older brother - I was scapegoated, I turned inward, and carried a lot of anger for many years - and learned to acknowledge the reasons and to regulate - but more importantly, let go of the anger when I saw where it was coming from. It wasn't so much shame as Oh - look at what I'm doing - let's figure this out. And it wasn't hot coffee - it was anger over politics or messed up systems - oftentimes systems I knew little about! But the narcissists I have known are driven by shame and insecurity - and they just go try it on somebody else...
Making up complaints to get discounts pisses me off!!!! I am a dental lab tech, so I make those expensive crowns the dentist puts in people's mouths. I made a full set of veneers for a patient...28 veneers (minus 3rd molars of course). The patient came to my lab so that I could make sure they were perfect and she was 100% happy with her teeth. She spent 4 hours with me and had the opportunity to change anything she wanted but she left claiming to be completely happy. As soon as the veneers were permanently cemented she started complaining and asking for a refund. I told her to make an appointment with her dentist to have all 28 veneers removed and when they were returned to me I'd give her the refund she was demanding. I make $300 for each veneer, so that was a large chunk of money for my business. Anyway as soon as she realized her scam wouldn't work and she didn't get to keep the veneers AND get her money back she suddenly became satisfied with the work I'd done!!!
I’m not convinced this is the best strategy though - I think the boss should firmly state that the customer can’t speak like that to their employee and ask them to leave
It just makes people more angry & agitated. Sometimes it’s not worth it to test how unhinged someone is… I mean, they are already screaming at teens in a coffee shop.
“AITA?!” I love this! You’re the best Dr. Ramani your light has truly been helping me.
This was so brilliant and so good my brain cant even process it all. Job well done to these kids and to you Dr. Ramani for the excellent breakdown on shame and how it shapes narcissistic behavior. This made my night! 🌙
How does one even attempt to trick narcissists into feeling any amount of genuine empathy for others? Sounds impossible.
The narc probably goes of thinking he just saved the employee's job, they are so self centered
I saw this once at a Denny's. The lady was complaining that she had to wear a mask to walk to the table then could take it off, 10 seconds maximum. Whether you like it or not, it's not the hostess' fault. The lady was getting very loud, the manager got out there and finally, the hostess said "You know what...I don't care anymore, do what you want." and took off her apron, threw it on the ground and said "I quit." and 'stormed into the back'. The customer said "Fine, I'll put it on then." and put the mask on. I have a feeling that hostess still works there. (It's not a local one to me.) One of the customer service agents at our supermarket really DID resign though. Everyone loves him, he has been there for ages (let's call him John) and his job just after lockdown was the spray and wipe down all the carts. A man took a cart from the "dirty" row and John told him that wasn't clean and the guy just RAGED at him. John went to the manager, just about in tears and said "I quit. Until this is over, I'm not coming in anymore" and he left. I don't think it was a work and I haven't seen him since. I hope Mr "I-Want-THIS-Cart" is happy.
This video spoke to me so deeply. I worked years and years in the fast food industry. The situations that happened there with costumers led me to get bitter, very defensive, always attacking back whenever someone attacked me. It has been some years since then, now I have a better and improved character.
A lot of costumers are horrible.
They can't stand when you call them out on their crap. They know they are the problem and they refuse to take accountability.
It is awesome, I love that the guys thought it up. My Dad would then give the person fired a job and “rescue” them . The person who through the tantrum wouldn’t show up again. I just got told that the healthcare worker I hired might have to leave the job because of how toxic my Dad is toward me. I don’t have anywhere to go because I ended up back here due to ptsd shaking whenever I left my apartment and could not get away from a narcissist neighbor and an ex best friend and ex boyfriend. I’m at a loss as I have tried treatment centers ( two got shut down due to client abuse, but I had no one to ask for help to get out and was to afraid to live on my own. I go into flashbacks on my own and am still learning how to stop them. I was never taught about money or allowed to work or have friends, I had no idea what to do when I left home and am still unsure how other people learned about the world growing up in a narcissistic family system as I was in survival mode and did not know how to talk to other people and my Dad would either emotionally psychologically and sexually abuse me or neglect me. I didn’t exist to my Mom unless she wanted me to do something for her. The healthcare worker staid on but my Dad made a remark while acting like he was”caring for me” by bringing me home a burger and fries, even though I’m on a diet. I just ate the burger and said I’d wait to try out the new air fryer and oven I had bought because he wouldn’t let me buy a working oven. Then he let the Gardner take two bushes he said he wanted to keep and did not say what we had talked about since the Gardner keeps planting things that don’t survive and has never fed or pruned the plants already here. I know it’s because the healthcare worker saw me end up in bed after he threw away the carrots for one dog and had no kibble for the other dog. The dogs just came back from almost dead,I failed saving the animals while growing up here, I tried to give my ferrets away before coming here but was to sick to get them to the shelter and the psychiatrist didn’t understand that I was trying to get them to a place where they could have care as the medication I tried had caused akathesia and I had started hallucinating and couldn’t figure out how to stop.I tried going to a psych hospital but they did nothing and said maybe I was autistic. Even the head of the schizophrenic clinic said I was not one,he thought maybe it was childhood abuse and disassociation. Dad agreed to have me find a doctor to die but the doctor wouldn’t do it.I’m on high doses of benzodiazepines and ADD drugs plus aricept. I’ve stopped hallucinating but have no idea how to get free of my Dad and now it would be senior abuse since he can’t walk. The only reason he is alive isI figured out how to get him into an emergency surgery and said I’d leave if he didn’t keep seeing the VNA and have a healthcare worker. I don’t know how to get free as I have tried since age 4 and don’t know enough to fit in with other people, I only know abuse and control. I crashed each time I tried to leave and my friends have had to rescue me as I get myself in such bad situations. I am trying to learn how to not give in to the training from both narcissistic parents. I’m not sure how to counteract or not overreact to cruelty when I leave home. I am trying to learn I’m allowed to walk away but I get upset if somebody is a narcissist and I had finally managed to feel safe to make friends and was learning when a narcissist took over the group. I was to exhausted to try and keep the friends as he went into lovebombing each person I was close to. I’m unsure how to survive until my Dad dies, as I watched my Mom die due to him ignoring that she was to sick to function. Her last words were to tell the nurse in the hospital not to have kids they weren’t worth it and then gave mea smirk. Her ribs punctured her lungs and I watched her suffocate to death while calling for the nurses. I realize no one healthy can stay here, I let go two health care workers who were in abusive relationships and being abusive here. I spent three days trying to find a safe house for one of them and then found out her abuser got custody of her child that wasn’t his. The senior care service is so broken. The people are all young kids in toxic families desperate to make money and escaping their own traumatic lives for awhile. Now the one healthy one will be pulled because of me wanting Dad to not let the animals die? I am the one who hired them and Dad’s actions are causing me and the animals harm. I don’t understand why after Iwasnt home for an hour Dad turned the situation into me being the problem. I told the lady he wouldn’t get me help for three months when my ribs were out and tried to get a doctor to help me die. I get so frustrated that they know how to keep me isolated and confuse people. I just don’t want to die, if I could leave I would have. I have nowhere to go, I’m afraid of treatment centers and can’t let the animals die.
I've been considering running an experiment with the narcs in the workplace. In a group setting, after they say something that's devaluing or discounting to simply say "ouch". I'm guessing this could work well with vulnerable and communal narcs. I'll report back.
Not going to work. You are giving the narcissist narcissist supply in the form of attention. Exactly what they want! Never give a narcissist attention, that is perversion.
Savage ❤️
I just heard the James Bond music kick on. Is Dr Ramani going to be our new Q or M? Lol!
@@ccdm515 Very true!
That’s a good tip. I’ll just say ouch next next time at work and report you back
That is SO awesome! I love how those kids handled how their customers who were mistreating them on the job! So many people act without thinking these days, and have no cares whatsoever how what they do or say affects the people they target. I've often thought over the last couple of decades that they must have stopped teaching cause and effect in schools.
Awesome idea and kudos to them for actually executing it! I think this might actually be the only way to handle this type of customer and I love that they are showing them that the whole actions-have-consequences-thing is not just something that happens to other people and that they are not untouchable.