What is "trauma bonding"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Let's nominate Dr. Ramani for a Nobel prize!
Raoden Raoden - how do we do that ? Please include me - she is helping a lot of people
Always information well needed. Thank you for keeping me sane and strong.
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Right now!
She is so wonderful 💓😀💓
When entering a relationship, it’s best to not to seek the fireWORKS...better to look for the firePLACE
MsKK909
TY TY ✅ROTFL LMAO
I've fallen, I can't get b/c I'm laughing so hard😂😂😂
RELATIONSHIPS⤵
Fireworks⛔✋🚫: 🚨Check 🆔👈
😶😬😐😕😧😫😢
😈familiarity 🔛 👿combustion😡
Need 💪🏃👈 or 👉🚣😲
OR
Fireplace🎉😶😇😅😌😘😛😍💃
✅Rest 🔄Respect 🔃 Peace ⤵ 🔄Compassion ↔ real 💘 love ⤵ 🔄healthy growth🔛
Great quote!
MsKK909 that’s REALLY GOOD!
MsKK909 I love this comment! 😀💕
Look for the heart of the person BEFORE you look for any other place
Trauma Bond: When you're madly in love with someone and haven't the foggiest of reasons why.
Has anyone figured that out yet? Oh yeah, trauma bond.
I was like, what am I doing here? Why wasn't I long gone by now? This ain't me. Homie don't play like dat. And everything indicating that we weren't in Kansas anymore. Nothing made sense until I learned about the trauma bond. Burst my paradigm all to hell. I felt violated. The new paradigm is awesomeness out of hand. I marvel at the diversity and complexity of personality and when something goes wrong...
I believe I want my money back.
haha that made me laugh and it is just so true
Thank you... so true yeah
@@saramcglasson6605 my narcissistic mother abuses myself through various kinds of emotional torture from my beginning of adulthood(age 17-25) like silent treatment(most common), gaslighting,lying,blame shifting,guilt tripping everything with myself.but now in 2021 i suddenly aware of her unhealthy tactics and started ignoring her and my lost happiness comes back significantly.but still i feel much love for her sometimes when she love bombs me through delicious cooking for me,very sweet talking sometimes.It creates trauma bonding for me with my abuser mother since my early childhood. Because she intentionally creates into myself this trauma bond with her and its really very tough to overcome even after no contact.
i literally just told him i feel like I'm suffering from Stockholm Syndrome holy shit
“Familiarity is chemistry. “ that’s brilliant. Never heard it put that way, but what a perfect description
Yeah... that hit home.
@Stardust Dreamers I'm so truly sorry to hear that... I hope you fight and improve your overall health as soon as possible!
Sabrina Zohar has a podcast called “ Do the Work “ where she talks about this. Very eye opening! They’re not butterflies- they’re warning signs!
Trauma bonding is the worst of hellish prisons. You feel like a crazy person after they discard you.. This is where no contact is crucial to heal from this. The hell bond will make you want to beg for them back. Which is crazy making. Addiction to anyone is a warning sign of toxicity.
its never ending. just when u think its over....triggers come in
thats great i made some recent goals as well@serendipidus1
Kathy Haga well said
@Black Weirdo The damage is done when we are unconscious of it happening - the perpetrator does it without caring for its effects. So sorry that like me you fell into this pit of mental torture... I hope you are healing and are able to enjoy life.
It’s actually the worst feeling.
1) Acknowledge what is happening is abuse
2) Take a deeper dive into your own early attachment pattern
3) Recognize there is no slot machine
4) Judge the relationship in the here and now (mindfulness)
5) Make a list of the things that make you uncomfortable in the relationship and keep adding to it and in your weaker moments look at the list
6) Therapy
Make a list!!!
Who needs to write a second volume of war and peace.
@Angel 6a) make sure it's 'trauma focused' therapy
Thank you!
Brilliant!
number 4 is easier said than done lol
Its scary how these videos are able to put into words what your mind cant even explain. Amazing. Word by word.
My mind absolutely was not able to prase it, if it happened in very early childhood
When she said “...their sweet beautiful little brains...” when referring to children in trauma bonding relationships, I felt a deep sense of empathy/sympathy for myself. Thank you.
Tears 😭 yes!!!
Me too I am crying at it wow just made me realize what I have gone through..
"Kids don't get a plan B" 💔 May we all be proud of little us for surviving whatever we had to endure...we are here now ❤
Dr. Ramani, We LOVE YOU!! In a HEALTHY WAY!! Thank You! You're one of the BEST Earth Angels...
The Narcissist is so charismatic...how do you start being attracted to the boring NICE GUY now...!? This is a HUGE problem for me and I'm sure many of us...We are just NOT attracted to who we are not attracted to ! Tell us how to change that....
agree 100%
@@marianhofmann6380 ask him to cook for you and take him on vacation to Prague.
@@marianhofmann6380 After you get beat up enough, the "boring nice guy" will look like an oasis in a barren, dry, desolate desert. You either make the decision to love yourself enough to give up the charismatic charm, or you'll drive yourself into a dead-end where you'll be willing to do anything to get away from it. Check yourself into rehab so you can sober up from that toxic drug. That's how you change it.
GOD BLESS YOU AND DR CARTER.. YOU HEAL!!!!
Life with my Narc husband was like being trapped in a psychological horror movie, where I could not see what was happening. The abuses and occasional ‘treats’ formed a habitual cycle and I couldn’t figure out if he was the protagonist or antagonist. Now that I’ve stepped out of the marriage, I can’t believe I actually allowed him to treat me the way he did. I wish I had known about Narcissism 20 years ago.
Nelumbo Nucifera I can totally relate. I was heavily brainwashed and addicted. I ended up doing very vile things I never would’ve done if he hadn’t sweet talked and charmed me and manipulated me into thinking it was good for us and me. Ugh.
Yes. Looking back it seems quite insane that I tolerated such horrific treatment. It was an 8 year nightmare. Years after I hooked up with another one and he was much, much worse. I’m so happy I know what to look out for now. If only I could get the time back for my kids.
Wow Ur so strong to get away after all them years proud of u🍒💌💌🍒💟💯
Wow, your comment hit home. After 22 years, I can not fathom how I stayed (and survived!) it. It’s been almost two months of freedom 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
Proud of all of the strong sisters. I kept trying different ways to improve my relationships. Last one called me a narcissist. Its how i ended up here, i was trying to figure out if thats what i was. Great news....i'm not. Gaslighted victim of narcissts. Yes. Im 59 y. o. But happily single for 5 years now!!!! Ive been on some dates, even dated one for ten months. I put up with no abuse, id rather be alone, abd just have friends. At my age available single men. What a mess.😄
This video really hit me. I was the scapegoat child of the family and now I begin to figure out how I became a narcissistic magnet in my whole life. It is a devastating exploration for me to realize that I became addicted to idealize-devalue-discard-hoover cycle, but I am happy for waking up from delusion. Thank you again!
A telltale sign of trauma bonding - denial.
A telltale sign of healing - breaking of that denial and being able to see who the person truly is.
You will get though this, stay strong. ✨
Amen
Best quote that I ever saw was, " When it feels real but isn't or doesn't feel real but is = trauma bond
Trauma bond = the childhood wound that taught you abuse was love"
I believe i saw it on nu mindframe but that might be wrong bc i went hard researching this stuff last year
@@user-yd2ol9fj2k yeah... I'm going to chewing on that one for a while. Thank you for posting it.
Well ain't that the painful truth. Thank you for it!
lovebombing, best term
But not every child just automatically thinks the abuse is love. I knew I didnt deserve how I was being treates. I absolutely didnt seek mu abusers approval or attention, and I definitely saught to harm them in revenge. I promised my child self I would make sure to remember who did me wrong, and not approve of it and not repeat the behaviors as an adult toward a child.
Been in a 35 year slot machine relationship, it took my youth, my soul, never had the opportunity to have children, was even shot down of not going to school. I know it's never too late to hit the restart button.....I'm so looking forward to the rest of my life.....
We are all cheering for you! Now is your moment! Best wishes and sending you a big hug!
Skye Lite ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes, it's never too late to start over. And youth is a state of mind. Do everything you've ever wanted to do. Good luck!
Bravo!!!!
Absolutely love your positive mindset! Such a great approach to have, and you’re completely right too. It’s never too late to fall in love with life and live your dreams:) Wishing you the best of luck
The test is very simple - if you don't feel good after your interactions with someone most of the time then it's toxic. Mentally healthy people make you feel good after you have been in their company whether physically or otherwise eg phone email etc. Namaste 🙏
Chemistry being familiarity ! This should be taught in school. I told myself not to trust “butterflies” but to go with someone who makes me feel safe instead
I am leaving my narcissistic ex right now . I haven't been treated like this ever in my life. Thank you for a wonderful video.
Parish Sharma I was just discarded by my narc. It’s devastating. I proud of you .
Broke up with my ex narc girlfriend for almost a year now. Still hurts like hell but I'm in a much better place now than last year. It'll be worthwhile, dude. Im so happy for you.
@@alicialambert3787 , I must have aged 10 years in last 6 months.. I have seen 100 red flags, I have read all the texts msgs from her ex's in her harem ..I couldn't leave.. but after our last fight..I apologized inspite of being abused( I am always the abuser for calling out her behavior )...but she said "she needed space for a week , she loves me..and started giving me silent treatment...I am taking this opportunity to give her the galaxy... This is final nail in the coffin.
@@migguds thanks you
@T D I am running while typing this.
The Beauty and the Beast fantasy- some day I’ll be loved by the narc and be worthy
I felt the trauma bonding really badly when I saw my ex as a demon but still wanted to talk to him even tho he did some horrible things to me. That’s when I realised it was a spiritual war aka soul tie. Prayer was the only thing that helped me with that situation.
yup every time i even got friendly with him again like we were old pals i felt a certain level of self-hatred, the trauma bond is a two way street so it's hard to break
Im in the same place right now! Thank u
😩💛🙏🏼🙏🏼
This is what is happening to me more and more with my narcissistic husband of 37 yrs. Who says he is a “Christian” who is a deacon in our church but I think sometimes that he has a demon. And then I feel so guilty thinking this about him but about 99% of the time when he comes home from church he is preaching and so very hopped up as I call it. I know that he has convinced me others that he is such a good Christian like an evangelist. It’s all very scary to me. A sheep in wolfs clothing I believe. 😢
@@deborahcollins1100 why do you feel he’s a demon? Do you wanna talk about it ? 🥺
Dr. Ramani:
Boss Lady 2019
Boss Lady 2020
Boss Lady 2021
And I also nominate Dr. Ramani for Boss Lady 2022
Like they just can’t have Love without intentionally hurting someone as a means of control...
Mine sexually assaulted me in my sleep. I confronted him, he denied it at first then threw around "stay away from me" "you shouldn't be with someone like me" even "I'm going to kill myself for what I did" , I thought those were apologies, but I realized they were just manipulation tactics for me to comfort him. I stayed with him and was too scared to tell anyone. I'm finally free after HE ended it with ME.
Crazy! I caught my ex taking pictures of my vagina while I was sleeping. We were boyfriend and girlfriend with a child but I felt so violated! I left him when our child was 4 and I found out that he had been cheating on me the whole time we were in a relationship.
@@darianalawrence643 That's super violating & creepy as F**k , am really sorry that happened to you.....Btw you should be soooo glad you got out from a weirdo like that because behaviour like that (perverted, voyerurism ) once manifested/appears will only increase in a person🤢👎.......
Sophia sorry for your experience that's aweful 😔, did you tell anyone close to you (best friend, family)? you should get therapy tbh because he committed rape the piece s**t........Btw my narc ex did that manipulation tactic randomly & would have the texts,voice chats of following (You dont want woman like me, you can find better, am too messed in head go get normal woman please etc) & shed threaten to self harm but instead pushing me away id always be drawn closer to her because i wanted comfort, reassure , cheer her up.....I honestly entirely put it down to her bi polar,anxiety problems she suffered & just wanted emotionally support her & untill i started researching Narcissism i found its way sort to get attention, sympathy,hoover you back into trauma bond........
Sophia Sebring Wow! The one I was with for 3 years loved to flirt with me and make out but he could not function properly when attempting sex. He several times said to me as a joke “I’m going to have sex with you when you are sleeping”. He also jokingly ... said he would want to have sex with a dead body. In several occasions when I was asleep he would very carefully tremor to assault me as well. I didn’t look at it that way at the time. Someone has to make a video on this ! It’s a thing with them. I heard of this in forums before. Yikes
@@DynamiteDezzy Yes, I finally got help. It wasn't until he broke up with me that I realize what he did was so wrong and psychotic
Trauma bonding began at my birth. Father was a militant abusive alcoholic and my mother was overwhelmed with him and ten children that she didn't seem to like. I lived as a "prisoner in a war zone" and thought my anxiety was normal. My relationships have been with narcissistic avoidant/dismissive partners. Thank you for helping me discover the root of my codependency. You do deserve an award in your field. Thank you for your concern and for your help. ❤
I’m laughing at myself when you said ‘remember that time we went Paris and you didn’t yell at me for a whole day!!’ This is actually how I rationalise his BS! God I’m laughing at myself because it sounds so illogical but in my head it sounds ok 🤦🏽♀️
Most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Trying so hard to stay focused and overcoming this trauma bond I am in.
be strong. i know it is hard. i have been through this 7 months ago and it was hell that i wanted to die (but i had/have no plan). it was even harder when i go to work or see my family because i didn't want anyone know what i was going through. trust me, pray hard, it will pass. think about all the bad things your person has done to you. your person will never change. i learned that the hard way when i ignored all the red flags and hope and hope and hope that he will change but that day never came. talk to your doctor if you need to. i did because the pain was almost unbearable to me.
You can be what you crave for yourself but in a healthy way. I felt like I needed my mother but she didn't care if I died. I thought about trying to find a replacement but I have been betrayed so many times that I decided to be the mother that I needed for myself. The young version of you that still exists inside you needs you ❤ I'm 50 years old & still fighting! ❤ Theresa
Same here. Going through it now. He never broke up with me actually. I think he’s waiting for me to do it. He asked for a break out of the blue . Just a couple of weeks. It’s been almost 7 weeks. He never came back .no contact at all. I’m trying to stay strong. But I’ve been so depressed. Can’t believe he loves to hurt me so much. Can’t wait for this trauma bond to end
@@stephw3475 get all the help that you need. it's not easy. i was with mine for 18 years. he never cared if he hurts me. he lies, cheats, manipulates, steals and does not want to work at all. i found his drug paraphernalia in my backyard after he left. i had no idea that he was doing such thing. i was told it was for crack/cocaine or meth. 18 years and i had no idea. God is looking out for me. it was his loss not mine.
The Neophyte wow, sorry you had to go through all that. But Yes, God is looking out. I feel like I had a million red flags. I’m going to counseling ones a week. Hopefully it’ll all go away soon.
Trauma Bonding = Your narc usually is really good in something.. and this is what you admire and crave for..
Yes.
Lol yeah mine is great at pretending to be good at everything🤣
@@olivianichole288 You are still together?? Why?
@@TheRealJohnHooper I was talking about my mom and no I went no contact a month ago. I finally could see she was incapable of love....she was threatening to kill herself after I tried to beg her to stop verbally abusing me. She allowed her husband to molest me as a child for several years and then blamed me when I demanded that she do something or I would report to the police. She told me I was worthless and could not survive without her.....she gave me false diagnosis to convince me I was insane. She would say I had autism but I actually dont. It was alot of crazy stuff but I had to get away. I blocked her....I hope she finds peace in God but I just cant do it anymore.
@@olivianichole288 ❤
Leaving was one of the hardest things I've done. First time I left it was physical (shakes, night sweats, constant anxiety, guilt, blame, no sense of self). The second time was easier because I played the slot machine until my wallet was empty. I gave into every demand, did exactly what she wanted 24/7 and realized it would never be enough.
THIS IS A NARCISSTIC AGE. YOU ARE A HEALER; A MODERN PROPHET OF REDENPTION. THANK YOUUUU.
Perfect metaphor. They usually play the card "But you're only focusing in the bad moments! Why don't you better remember this and this and this?" like if it compensates abusing or unacceptable behavior.
That's when you learn they're not going to take responsibility at all for their problems...
Very accurate!
„Kids don’t have a plan b“ This points the nail, riskiest time in life.
This video was the beginning of my healing. Almost 10 months out of my marriage to a narcissistic husband. Thank you Dr. Ramani. ❤
Congrats to you! How did you manage to initially leave?
It's just my beginning, I hope your in a much better place 😊
I am literally crying watching this video, this was exactly me, this reminds me of every-time I was trying to justify what he was doing or even hiding things that I knew were wrong and if I told them to my sister she would ask me to walk out of the relationship. I was so protective of his image that I hid everything and believed that it would get better one day and one day he would see how much I loved him and that would make him want to change, want to love me back. But alas it never happened and I was discarded. I am still struggle to heal and get completely over the trauma i faced and collected the broken pieces of my heart and dreams that I made with him.
Sounds you described my exact situation from years ago. 😢💜
My story was the same but I cut the parasite out of my life. I am proud of myself.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I am the narcissist in my relationship, and while we both hurt each other, you described exactly to the T what she experienced. She hoped one day that I would see her love, that I would validate her, and I kept brushing her off and pushing her away. I’m so broken at who I had become and what I’ve done to someone, I just want to change the traumas of my past. I feel so bad that she had to experience that from me.
I hope your doing well now.
@@treyjohn18 But are you seeking help to change & evolve into a person who has empathy?
I can relate! Going through the exact same thing with my DA husband of 13 yrs! I also have a child with him,7 yrs old. My child is autistic. And just recently, interestingly enough,i came across a research paper that stated how a trauma during pregnancy can play a huge role in your child turning out to be autistic!
Gods this is intense.
I've had to cry throughout the video. My dad died when I was five and left me with my narc mother, who sexually abused me and let others do the same for money. I have learned to think of abuse and pain and violence and trauma as love and hated myself. I am now trying to heal. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
HI Nyar ... Something similar happened to my older sister and in the family we could not understand why she had so many dramas in her life - why she ended up with males who battered her. She had not been sexually abused or exploited as a chiild, but she had been bashed by a parent. Sadly, I see now that my sister confused drama and physical fighting with love. I hope your journey through becomes joyous and you experience what love really is.
Argile Australia Thank you :)
Poor you sugar, hope you find calm and peace, your mom was lower than low!
Nyar, heal heal heal. That should never have happened..so many stories should never have happened. Bravo and cheers to your strength.
Oh I'm so sorry to hear that Nyar, hope you can build a loving healthy life ♥
The slot machine analogy is GOLDEN! WOW!
My daughter said "Mom, you have been abused long enough. You deserve real love. " I never in a million years would used the word abused. I'm learning and I'm seriously blown away. How did I miss it all? I thought I was the problem.
Funny! The narcissist in my life would tell me, "You never know! I might change, and then what?!" It just hit me. I never know! He would dangle that false hope like a carrot on a stick. And I fell for it everytime. Not anymore.
Mom told me that this was what my dad always told her
My mom says this to me all the time.
I hit the jackpot with my ex.when I realized I have the exact copy of my dad as a partner.he even said the same as my father to me.that was my awakening.
@jenna bean I had no awareness at the time.been more than 5 years ago.now I'm an expert. Still its crazy how blind upbringing keeps us .
Andrea Magyar wow! When I started really falling for the narc I met online and he was the male version of me and everything about him I was attracted to! I was intrigued with his indifference and my strong feelings and the chemistry when we were together then the silence when he left. He could have cared less I existed. Until I pulled away then he scrambled. But thank you for your comment! One of the first things I said to him was “you are the clone of my father” who mind you abandoned his family at age 60 to reunite with his high school girlfriend leaving my mother traumatized! My mother ALWAYS said to me... do not repeat my mistakes! It is the clone of a relationship that I became stuck on.
@@Lauren-vf1ip what we learn at home as kids became an unconscious drive to repeat.
@@Lauren-vf1ip what love is.relationship is. Now as I see clearly what not to do I feel more confident. Still I'm afraid to date. Single over 5 years.
Ironic, isn’t it? The ex stalked local ACOA self-help meetings to find me, after we first met. (I had “lost” his phone number, so hadn’t called him.)
Then, he used every “trick” in his playbook, not unlike my father’s behaviors. The silent treatments, the rages, the love-bombing, etc. I don’t remember any “bread crumbs” from my father, but the ex would tell me just enough to keep me hanging on to the hope that the person I first met would “come back”.
The “familiar”, disguised as “chemistry”, befuddled me.
Almost 30 years in a relationship with the toxic ex, with almost 10 in an on-again/off-again dating relationship at the beginning.
I have recently experienced 3 years of no contact and the calm is so soothing.
Whenever I meet people, I am aware of my penchant for recognizing and bee-lining toward the one “bad boy” in the room. I see the red flags, know about the terms Dr. R has outlined, and have done a ton of emotional work to keep myself safe from toxic people. “Chemistry” NO MORE!!!
Blessings!❤️
When you’re in a trauma bond, and things start feeling peaceful, people will try to create another situation of trauma in order to start the trauma bond cycle again. You have the trauma situation so that you can have the make up to break up sequence then they get you into a comfortable vulnerable position to where they start to discard/devalue/dehumanize until you start to pull away again and then they get their energy up to create drama, push you away and then breadcrumb you, future fake you and try to love bomb you, again. If you had any type of love for yourself, especially after going through this a few times, you will become very offended when people try to hang on and handle you this way, in the name of love. They don’t love you, they are just wanting you around for convenience and an emotional pinball game. The last trauma bond we have to get rid of, is the trauma bond we are involved in with the government.
Very well put.
Grace of the Rose Thank you!
I agree with you. What a profound statement!
👏💯
Deb Chase Unfortunately, that’s the result of extensive research after some messed up situations. Thank you! 💫
"Trauma bonding is a kind of addiction" is amazing. I just worked that out for myself today after a discard from the narcissist I've been trying to leave behind for a long time. I quit drinking 6 years ago after years of alcohol abuse and today I wanted to drink for the first time in years. It brought back the same feelings of highs, lows, anxiety, followed by withdrawals and a hell of a lot of free time - too much - all of a sudden.
I knew I was in an abusive relationship, but still believe I love him and I could help him. I finally got out because mentally I could not ignore the abuse anymore, but it is taking years to get over feeling like I loved him. It is so hard for an empath to believe someone can be so evil, especially when the narc has a good 'sob story'.
I am recently separated from my husband....your words struck my heart. I know I have a long road ahead
I never knew he was a narcissistic person until I notice why do I keep repeating myself on how he treats me and there was NEVER it's ALL ABOUT HIM AND HIS JOB ALWAYS.I really want out of this foolish .
Anika Wallane you already know what you gotta do
It only get worse the longer you stay
Girl run! Not enough damage has been done yet, compared to what he is about to put you through. I had to let go and choose ME over him. We waste years holding on to false hope for them meanwhile they're living their life while we are becoming more damaged as time goes on. Good luck 💛
Yes I use to ask the sane thing because my ex couldn’t understand my feelings no matter how much I explained them.
I came to the realization on my own at 10 years old that my parents were abusive.
God bless bro, hang in there.
I can remember, that after my 2nd date, I talked to my sister, and she said to me "Looks like you really like this person!", and I answered: "Somehow I don't like the way I like them."
(it was an extreme high, then kind of distancing themselves in the morning, wich I took for laying down healthy boundaries on their side🤦🏻♂️)
I took me 5 weeks to see that they're emotionally manipulative, and that's the thing that sets off my trauma bonding...
I'm extremely thankful for these videos, they help me to put in context my out-of-character irrational reactions to this person's behaviour!
YES! Absolutely...fast relationship that are too good to be true...are DANGEROUS! It happened to me, I was hooked because I did come out of a sick family of origin. My father was an alcoholic, my mother was an enabler/co-dependent. I became a people pleaser/self love deficit person with NO BOUNDARIES. I would say first thing is to learn what a boundary is and learn to create boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are the key! Get in a boundary bootcamp lesson some how, some where!!!
Dr. Ramani, If we realize that we were emotionally abused/neglected as a child, how will we ever recognize real love as adults?
once you become aware, you make the conscious choice to change, you can reprogram your mind and belief system and start living in a new way. Awareness is really the first step
@@KellyKristin Yes! It's difficult but it's possible .
She actually has a video comparing narcissistic relationships VS. Healthy ones. It is soo helpful, go check it out :)
@@KellyKristin well said❤
For me personally, I've learned to tell the difference by looking at the way I feel around people that don't make me nervous, or people that actually love, care about and accept me. Real love doesn't make you feel nervous. People that love you don't make you feel like dirt. Ever.
With the Slot Machines you get tired of waiting for payout but you keep going in an anticipation that you might just get some kind of payout that will put a smile on your face so you just keep going until you are totally drained of all your energy.
Time and energy are cheap. People will gamble with far more, and with far worse odds, than they ever would actual money. Just keep pulling that lever.
Yes. My husband always tells me I have to understand where he comes from to understand the reason he treats me the way he does. Then he proceeds to tell me these long stories about things that happened in his childhood. Sometimes he even cries
That is good he wants you to understand. I do this with my husband and he just forgets it and acts like he doesnt remember what I tell him so when Im going through dyregulation from triggers when Im with him, he knows wht is going on and how to best help mem instead he gets defensive and conveniently forgets what he was told. Make sure that is not what you do and why he gets mad.
My wife is awesome. She listens and gives me the chance to grieve without feeling judged. However I had to also realise that at some point it was time I stopped being the victim and became the survivor. I also had to learn truthfully if my behaviour was ptsd or I was just not handling my emotions well. Im still learning how to be in a normal relationship. One thing I do know is that as a couple we need to get through this together.
They're always the victim!
Same! I always the one who have to understand him but he has never understand how stressful I am.He always use his past as an excuse to treat me bad.
Same happened to me. I became so confused too in my former relationship. Then drug lapse of my partner came and blamed it on me
20 years in a relationship (17 years of marriage) 5 children .... my excuses for his behaviour were endless. Once I said what is enough is enough. One thing kept me in was the church. Toxic spirituality and religious trauma are real things. These ride on the vulnerability of the abused.
You are so right about toxic religion that keeps you in a marriage because it is Gods will that you honor your commitment and stay in emotional hell.
The "lottery" is the exact idea of how dogs are trained. Do we want to be like a puppy learning tricks? That's about all the value a narcissist feels when we do the trick they wanted.
I should've run for the hills when I discovered that my Narc, (who was intimately familiar with Pavlov's studies) had no further interest in anything remotely scientific. 🚩
Karlee Yeates My ex suggested at the beginning of the relationship that instead of having healthy communication about issues and solving them, we “positively reinforced” each other... little did I knew he was gonna intermittently reinforce ME!!! Now I wish I had know what that was so I could identify it.
this woman literally summed up my whole life since I was 13 years old in this 1 video yikes I'm freaked out lol
I was so trauma bonded. It felt like escaping a prison. That was five months ago and he is still trying to contact me.
Lauren Ann oh he will try to contact you for years
Lauren Ann ...5 Months is nothing. Hunker down and prepare for him to try and re-enter the frame often. I have one that contacted me after 11 years of nothing, and one that intermittently contacts for the last 6 yrs. once you are good supply they never want to release you.
Lauren Ann Don’t let him back into your life.
Keep evil at bay. Do not let him back in.
When I left my narc ex, many years ago. He wouldn't leave me alone for 2 years!!! I left him many times and always went back. I always caved into his manipulative talks of "why are you giving up on us?" ughhh!! But that last time was it !!!
"Killing my softly with your words....telling my whole life...killing me softly with your song" Never have I been so moved as I am by EVERY VIDEO! OMG!
That's why adults who grew up in an narcisistic envoriment and didn't become narcisistic are a magnet to narcisist future partner. For us is familiar and we call it chemestry.
I’m so excited to share this testimony on how I got my ex back after a divorce with the help of Baba P. I never knew that I was going to get my ex back and my relationship restored until a friend of mine introduced me to Baba P..Contact him on WhatsApp for help +16125671053 》
Grown up in a family with history of domestic violence, in later stage got attracted to a narcissistic person, stayed in the toxic relationship till got discarded.!! I still couldn't move on from him.. Now I see it all. Simply I am trauma bonded!! 😫 Which was mistaken as 'Chemistry' at the beginning of the relationship!
Omg yes!! My therapist helped me realize I was being abused. I had no idea. I thought I was just being helpful but I was actually being emotionally torn apart.
Dear person in a narc abusive relationship, don't wait for them to change. Yes, as Doc Ramani said narcs don't change or change that'll be significant. That person abuses you in different ways: emotionally, physically and mentally. U really want to stick around with someone who's actually treating you like shit?? 🤚 Realize that u deserve better. There are so many ppl in this world. You can DEFINITELY find better. And heal first before jumping in another relationship. Guess who planted and made grow the seed of scarcity in your mind. The exactly narc that you're with now. Leave!!! You deserve better!!! 🤗
Dr when you said “gaslighting myself” that gave me a deep visual of me pouring gas in myself and lighting myself on fire!! Wow, now I understand!!
Your videos are saving me. I’m a year out and having intense rekindling fantasies in spite of the worst dynamic between us and it’s killing me. It’s so hard to let go. But these help take the edge off. It took me two years to get out, one year to get myself back and here I am STILL feeling I’m in love with a man who left me for dead. It’s so crazy. It’s definitely Stockholm syndrome, where I’m programmed to feel empathy and pity for someone who severely neglected and abused me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Such a trip.
They are truly evil to us! It was all fake. They never cared about us. That's a hard pill to swallow!
Omg! Yes, my ex says that conflict strengthens a relationship. And I have thought I would not like a friend to go through this.
My ex said something similar.. I said no relationship should've been like ours though. It can be hard but it shouldn't be abusive.
My husband says this all the time! He even thanks me when we have an argument because he says it he's learned from it. It makes me feel so guilty.
This explains that old "but bad boys/girls are sexier" sickness that so many of us have suffered from.
As a survivor of childhood narcissistic abuse from my mother - this video had me in tears. I spent my whole childhood wondering to myself "she said she loved me so much..but why does she hate me so much too??" You are so right. I justified my mother's abuse because I had a few crumbs that kept me going- childhood memories of 'good times' when she was loving and warm.
It really is the 'chaos' you describe. I thought for many years she had borderline personality disorder .. but therapy and your videos have helped me so much to understand. Thank you.
Brief description of my story. My ex is very attractive. We first connected at 14 , it was both our first puppy love and lasted a couple months. She moved away and it ended. Now 35 years later we reconnected on facebook and jumped into a relationship. For me it was i found my soulmate. I never would've thought in a million years she was a narcissist but lo and behold the woman that i never forgot turned out to be a narcissist. I went through all the love bombing, devalue, discard. The hard part for me to get over it was not only was i trauma bonded but i was also trapped in my feelings of her because she was my first puppy love. It's like being "double trauma-bonded". It is VERY difficult for me but i know i have to stay "no contact" It's the most difficult thing i've ever had to deal with in my life. But i know deep down the relationship is not good for my health.
surfshack2 I get what you are saying. For me it was always falling in love with what I thought they were, not who they were. And a narcissist is real good at showing you who they want you to believe that they are. Hang in there!
@@321renew8 Thank you!
surshack2, .. yes, it is very difficult. Learn from other people's mistakes. I got very ,very sick before I finally woke up to a narc family member. It's not worth ruining your health to satisfy someone's addictive high, it really isn't. They don't care. Love cares. I know some people who get so terribly hurt by a good looking person that they go all the other way. They learn. Then they choose a very ordinary looking partner who loves and fulfills them and cares for them. I can't understand men's minds, but some men need to learn to get turned on by sweet qualities. Genuine qualities. Not just the powdery surface crust. And, you know, a lot of good looking women age very fast. The surface lasts for but a moment. Love and respect last forever.
@@matilda4406 Ha! My best friend said that too. He said, "Well first don't ever get too involved with an attractive woman. They will manipulate and stress you out. It's just the way it is.Guys are all over them , especially now with facebook and the internet. You are a little bit older now so the No. 1 rule in getting into a relationship is find a good mate, a good person...don't go for someone that every guy is chasing after.
Thank you for the advice Matilda
This is my whole life, just change the she to He,
He was my first crush, puppy love.. We went separate ways reconnected after 10 years and we are 26 , just to find out he is a Narc, boy I did waste a year and half in love bombing, manipulation, devalue and discard ,trauma bond, all the while I wasn't even aware of narcissistic abuse, thanks to Dr. Ramani , finally opened my eyes for the truth and broke up with him on March But he still trys to convince me that we haven't
Broke up and act like he still my bF, pathetic manipulative jerks.
Hope we all get the closure and healing we need.
If you cannot bear the pain of knowing that the people that told you they loved you were abusers, you are highly vulnerable to repeating it as an adult. It is incredibly painful to accept this reality. You need ego strength and skilled support. The good news is that once you learn how to mange that pain, you will start to reject abuse in your current life.
I believe that this is true. What if you accept that your primary care giver was abusive... but of course they, and other family members will deny your reality? What if you go no contact with the abusive person but don't want to necessarily cut off everyone else that's connected to them?? It's very difficult, if not impossible... or at least that's been my experience.
WOW I can really see now how childhood trauma can cause the victim to develop a borderline personality disorder, thank you for the clear explanation!
I have recently gotten out of a relationship that i was constantly waiting for him to acknowledge my worth. I am now in the process of developing my own worth. I felt invisible/unwanted (unless he felt i could be of use)/and so many other feelings i am still trying to decipher. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your help!!
Super heavy and intense video. Understanding the familiar chaos and pattern of our personal attachment styles. How we are actually addicted to our emotional love bonding with someone who is harming, devaluing, cruel and invalidating. Meanwhile, our emotions sit on the sidelines waiting for some kind of intermittent reward in the face of continual offense and abuse. My experience was like having electrical shock after shock of how my husband was speaking to me! I eventually could see that he would not stop the abuse because he was feeding off the energy of my reactions and shock. Finally after leaving the relationship I was in such a broken state that I entered into a relationship with an alcoholic and was unable to leave that cycle for years. Now these days I must rid myself of it all mentally and heal finally. Thanks for the great insight.
Intense, inconsistent. .... abandoned; desperation. Just a few words to describe the hell. It's unfortunate that after multiple therapy sessions NO ONE ever made mention of attachment style and/ or trauma bonding. I guess that came well into the 10th or 12th session. I came about the term incidentally and although it's not a cure -- it helps reaffirm for oneself that MY EXPERIENCE IS SHARED... IS VALIDATED and that I'm not alone. It's been 4 years - 1) no contact is a must. 2) remembering is a must... don't choose to look away from all those tears. Look 'down the barrel of that gun' so to speak and REMEMBER. I made a box of all the bullshit and whenever I'm feeling weak, nostalgic I seriously 'pick a card ' out if this box... I read it and I remind myself .... "Ok, Ok...this was not right to have accepted being treated this way- THIS WAS NOT LOVE " #REMEMBER.
Hang in there guys!
Thanks for talking about this. Breaking a trauma bond makes you feel like you're going to die. It's so much worse when you don't understand why.
I managed to leave a narcissistic relationship thanks to you! Can't thank you enough for making clear what was being done to me.
Ahh I see! When I was growing up I used to tell people when they'd ask about my welps or bruising, that I got a whoopin and that my mum loves me, because she disciplines me.
She used to say it was because she loved me, that's why she whipped me with extension cords etc.
Of course, I learned better as I got older.
Seas _Wallace wowww. So sorry you went through that :(
Thanks guys, I'm good. I'm fortunate to know better and get help with emotional stuff.
Otherwise, things are better👍
Consistency and Steady Reciprocal Interaction.
Queana Ivory Music yes this is important.
This helps people understand how someone with a narcissistic parent ends up dating/marrying a narcissist (or abusive person)
One of the problems many of us face here in the USA is that we don't have Health Insurance, therefore ongoing therapy is out of the question unless the person is very wealthy. And wealthy people have no problem buying the best insurance money can buy and with it comes the best care.
The analogy of the slot machine, is spot on!
Beware the intermittent reward! It will hook you well before you realize it.
Also Dr Ramani, the slot machine analogy you use is highly related to a mathematical concept called 'the gamblers fallacy'.
The gambler believes that the amount (s)he plays will effect the reward outcome, when in fact it has no relevance at all. Every pull of the lever machine is independent of each other, only determined by an algorithm set completely outside of the gamblers control.
This situation sets up an illusion of control for the gambler, when in fact they have none at all, which leads to properties of addiction in gambling.
The slot machine is setup for one function only: to hose the gambler for as much money possible using short term emotional push-pulling win-loss manipulation.
Sounds familiar doesnt it? :)
Perhaps you knew all this already, but I thought I should point it out anyway just in case :D
@Sarita Hsa You're welcome! =)
My ex-narc is an engineer. Engineers are very analytical. In reading this explanation of how slot machines function, I can just see the calculated manipulations he was making to control our relationship. I thought I was dealing with an intact, normal person. How naive of me!
@@MariaCeaMIca Hi, wow that sounds very very hard to deal with. I hope you pull through this hardship. One day the pain will be less intense and impossible to deal with, as hard as it is to imagine now. Best wishes to you, from one survivor to another!
Many months into the relationship and not feeling intimacy and warmth , I calmly shared my emotional thoughts and happen shed a tear, the response was....” what do you want me to do, feel sorry for you “ even then, I never cottoned on. I did all the work in our love making.....and as time passed I continued to “ up my game “ unconsciously trying to extract a loving response. On two separate occasions, when trying to share and get close , I wanted to sing a very precious song that my recent late mother had sung to me over the years.....his response was “ no” in such a put down way ! Very hurtful. These videos are of great help to me now, to see the distasteful behaviour of one human being to another when all I ever did was be as loving and sincere as I possibly could.
I've had the feeling as a child of thinking that I was somehow supposed to chose between my parents. This is the harm that parents arguing inflicts on a child. Yeah, as she says, it's about the household situation. It feels like everything you know is about to crumble, leaving you and the parents that you love with nothing and utterly alone. ~~ Done enough over time, the scars become permanent. ~~ Don't ever make a child have to think ill of a parent. It's child abuse. Don't do it. ~~ To this day, couples arguing and images thereof are triggering for me. Yeah, at the age of 62. The first movie I ever walked out of was War of the Roses with Michael Douglas and Kathleen turner. I was supposed to be a comedy. I got the joke. I just couldn't take it. The knot in my stomach was unbearable.
Why do I relate to this on a spiritual level?I am 22 and I always feel like I have to choose between my parents all the time.My mum speaks ill of my dad and my dad speaks ill of my mum.The worst feeling on earth is being forced to choose between your parents.I have always felt like I am the one who parents them all the time,since I was a kid.I always had to pick a side and help them resolve their issues,not forgetting how when you pick this side,the other side hates you,and how my mum treats me like her cowife when I chose to side with my dad.Now am an adult,I can't even imagine to think of marriage or having kids,I am scared my kids might go through the same and I can't even help myself.
To all parents out here,don't ever speak ill of the other parent to your kid,ever
I lived through it & it was terrible!
I have experienced narc relationships where i am not living with them and imagine how they would be for someone living with them. I am 35 and unmarried and sane.
Same here. Cheers for us!!
Yup I've experienced narc, friendships and done the exact opposite of what they would expect. And was able to see through the fog. U got friends here GhoulFriend.
I am living with one now and it's like living in mental hell
@@darkvader8295 find ways to get out dear, you are not alone and you can do it. You may feel like you can't but you can 100% just keep trying
Congrats. I'm 57 and I've been single for 14 years. After the experience of living with a sociopath, I have big time trust issues.
Finally acknowledged that my mother was abusive and I had a really hard time letting the word abusive roll off my tongue..it was traumatic actually.
Right? Leaves YOU feeling dirty and judgmental, when YOU'RE the victim. Like wtf.
My narc mom has ruined my life. :(
@@themysticmuse1111 same..
And yes dirty, or even sinful because of the old adage of honor your mother etc.
@@beatsintime !!!! Exactly!
This video explains so well trauma bonding. Thank you so much. I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother right up until she died last year. My adult life has been all abusive/narcissistic relationships. I've had years of counselling with different therapists and talked about my childhood and adult relationships yet not one made the connection. I really only began to understand when I found these channels and joined an online support group. I'm late 60s now and finally content on my own.
Your Blessed!!! I'm 60 and Narc abuse has been forwarded to my SIBLING when my 85 yo evil mother passes. Bound to be 15 frickin years from now...
Amen ❣️🙋♀️
The slot machine analogy was incredibly revelating to me & my own situation. I just recently left that "casino".. no more quarters..no more wasting my time, energy & emotions on someone who only promises to bankrupt me. Finding out about trauma bonding has been critical in my healing journey. Thank you, Dr Ramani.
Thank you for your lessons.Probably, you don't know how many lives you are saving.I have been saved too.
I’m still trying to understand the cruelty and I’m 29. Still living with my abusive mother because of financial constraints. Talking to her is torture. Multiple abusive relationships. I almost spent time in jail because my mom cried wolf to the police when I finally broke and screamed at her about how much she’s hurt me. I don’t know how to cope. Spirituality is the only thing keeping me afloat. Thank you for making this series. You’ve helped me more than you could ever know.
God I hope you’re ok!
There's nothing to understand, people are cruel.. some less, some more anyway they make kids
@@NEMA95 I think that you’re right.. just fundamentally different people in the worst way
You should not sleep with people. Really get to know someone,.... A long time until you know they are a good person.
When I first started dating the narcissist he said to me "Don't fall in love with me" Sould have listened.
My narc never warned me!
I’ve watched this video numerous times. This term, trauma bonding, made everything click into place for me. I was born to a narcissist sixty one years ago, starting me off to having relationship after relationship with narcissists...every single one. I’ve spent thirty seven years in two marriages to narcissists. I finally got the courage, and with a lot of encouragement from my sister, I filed last year for divorce. Now I have to maneuver my way through a mess, but I am on the other side and can finally see that I have a future. It’s a wonderful feeling to know the future is my own! You have no idea, Dr Ramani, just how grateful I am to you!
The Wizard of OZ scene where the curtain is pulled back to reveal the con man behind the manipulations, came to mind. I agree with eliminate the rationalizations and be willing to see the truth for what it is. I've long suggested to others to read Plato's allegory of the cave and use this to eliminate false positives and see reality as it is. Another excellent tutorial by the way, thank you for this.
"Ignore the man behind the curtain"!!
Basically saying-ignore truth and reality, believe the lie.
@@sunshinedayz7032 A valid argument against narcissism among other forms of deception.
Yeah I realise now it was done to me to control. Someone like that doesnt want love for the real them. That is too much of a risk so they create this .
I came across the spiritual term "Twin Flames" when i was trying to break my bond, or at least making sense of my trauma bond because he died and that's how it happened. I had no idea i was even in one. No idea what a narcissist was, was never given any psychological help from anyone around me. Why would i they all thought they weren't doing anything wrong. I now see many many generations of this crap. I live in Scotland and these things just aren't spoken about or disscussed here so i am glad to have found you and this channel. I resonated with the term twin flames thinking that on a higher spiritual level we were connected, always would be. I turned to spiritualism as a way to not only cope but understand it all. I remember begging the universe to tell me, why bring me this person so perfect for me and take him away. I spent 4 years and failling to grieve this person and a year pretty much to this month understanding the trauma bond and some it understanding the term twin flame. I now understand why people think conspiracy theories enthusiasts, religion fanatics and so on are nut jobs because i sit with these people who took me down a path that is still very dangerous and toxic in itself and that was just to be my given life, experiences and truths and it was all bullshit. Made me realise how much as a child i'd been utterly failed, ignored and abandonded. No one helped me, it almost feels cult like. Then you start feeling sorry for your abusers seeing how failed they were and are carrying out a pattern they believe to be true. People think they are helping by saying you will always spiritually be connected blah blah blah. Once my bond properly broke and i'd listen to these people who sat in their truths tell me one day in another life time you both will meet again, you are forever connected love will take over love your abuser see it as a gift, blah blah blah. Truth of my matter is I'd rather stick a fork in my eye, cook it whilst bleeding from that injury then have to eat it than ever have any of this as a life, to infinity and byond and back again. Made me realise how stuck others are and no matter what you tell them they wont budge for that view point. They want to believe that love and light is how it should be 24/7 and I'm wrong for hating my abusers. Twin flame is a made up spiritual term of someone stuck in a trauma bond romanticizing it. It's toxic too. It keeps you stuck. They can't see that either. All I have to do is heal and forgive me, all I ever needed was some psychological help to understand and to begin to heal. I'm so glad i'm past a lot of this, that I found this type of content. I'm beginning to actually have a life as weird as that sounds being an adult and just starting a life. I can just do and be and it's harmonious, best I can ever hope for i guess. I was always the giver, the empathetic one, the fixer, everything was dumped at me whether i wanted to deal with it or not. I was taught to just deal with it. This made me see how capable i am and how uncapable others around me aren't. People think it's weird that i havent moved on and that i'm daft for turning down "great" guys or so they "great guys" like to tell me and we know the reasons they try guilt you into see their greatness. Thing is if love was what i was addicted to, chased or was trying to find then like other forms of addictions it's best to try avoid the unhealthy thing in the first place, until I'm better with it all anyways. Maybe one day it might happen but people don't realize healing a life time of trauma, abuse and pain takes about the same amount to heal, a life time. It's a long road one im happy to go down but i'm too tired for much else. A relationship would inevitably fail making room for more issues. Thanks again Dr Ramani. 💜
The twin flame dynamic is awful, since I discovered my path to healing, I attracted a manipulative narc who I fell in love with, I’m trying to heal my own traumas from childhood and from my soul crushing abusive marriage. I feel like my entire being is being tested,y chronic pain gets worse around him, I feel drained. I’ve been trying to heal but this depression and heaviness in my chest is something I can’t put into words. It feels like an addiction. A sick one. He supports my writings and dreams, but at the same time lovebombs me and ends up begging for me to take him back when I want to leave because I feel drained. He’s managed to triangulate me with his adopted sister and friends added on my fb. It’s like I’m slowly dying inside. Edit* I was in a bad place when sending this because some there are good sides to us together because we’re helping each other heal and grow from our pain. We’re still figuring it out but i’m hopeful that we become strong together and that I maintain my strong boundaries to know when it’s time to let go. For now I trust that i’m on the right path and that this is part of our journey.
I admire your strength and courage to take a stand and it honestly has lit a fire under my ass
Also you can still be spiritual but not have to forgive your abusers whatsoever
@@SonyaKhanOfficial thank you for sharing your story. I don't kniw why I shared mine, felt guided too I guess. Just hoping someone reads my experience and knows it's OK if they have a similar or same one. It astounds me the amount of times I've left my experience in the comments of any video and people have resonated with it and it's helped them. I can't believe my words touched someone so deeply. That my words have some power after 30 odd years of being told they never mattered. It's surreal to experience almost divinely gifted and that's why I still follow the spiritual path to know that I can make a difference from just a few words. It's funny spending 30 odd years of my life from childhood never feeling safe to now not ever wanting another soul to feel a slither of what I have. I know I have an amazing soul if it hasn't warped me into some dark parasite. Being me is all I've ever wanted to be. Be strong.
Mel D I’m so proud of you!! You inspire me❤️
You mentioned an early red flag that resonates-disrespect if others’ time. If the person is more than a few minutes late repeatedly and without apology, can’t be pinned down about when something is going to happen, cancels at the last minute, allows interruptions during a meeting because of poor planning, says they will call or do something else and fails to follow through. These are profoundly disrespectful acts when a a few of them start to accrue.
You got me with the slot machine metaphor. Right between the eyes. Weird thing about working through my narcissistic abusive marriage is realizing that my sibling was my chest narcissist. And, boy, what a doozy.
Hi Dr Ramani i I just want to let you know that you told me in an email that my ex and his life pattern leans towards psychopathic and I've been dealing with trauma and trauma bonding for years and now that he's in jail for the third time for aggravated assault on his new girl it's something that doesn't go away it makes you suicidal but one day at a time I am getting better..thank you so much your kind and down to earth approach it really have helped me
Would love to hear your take on cognitive dissonance Dr R. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
KaetyeAnne J Good one! I was truly shocked that this was such a blind spot for a long time. A few reliable people near to me warned me but I did a good job on justifying his behaviour so effectively, I couldnt even remember it when they brought it up later on after I had ended this relationship. Really bizar!
Caroline vd Vlies : I’ve been in therapy 3 years. ZERO NO CONTACT so important to heal. I can tell you NO WAY could I have recovered thus far by my own devices. Glad you’re out too :)
Did you see @KaetyeAnne J , she did it: th-cam.com/video/l58hj6Kyvyg/w-d-xo.html
Dr. Ramani, thank you. I cannot believe that I did not recognize what was happening when I was in the middle of it all.
I think we need to also consider that you can become trauma bonded to an abusive sibling which is what happened to me. It took a long time for me to admit that she has not and will not change and if I continue to spend time with her she will eventually do something to hurt me on purpose. For me the bond was finally broken on August 2,2019 a day I will never forget. I am relieved that I was finally able to see through her and realized what I was studying about narcissistic behavior applied to her. Don't wait as long as I did to finally break the bond. For me, first I had to know what I was dealing with and them apply that knowledge which took me over 4 years to actually believe. Dr. Ramani and others are telling the truth and we need to be good at protecting ourselves and learning to love ourselves, which is something a narcissist will never do. Don't wait as long as I did to take action you only have one life to live.
I really wish more people would understand this and stop treating all breakups as equal and “hard”. Each day I cycle through sadness, then reality where I see I dodged a bullet, back to wanting to reach out to him, then ashamed that I would want someone who discarded me and hurt me. After all the emotional abuse and physical abuse it is not easy for the outside world to understand how hard this is. Thank you for reminding me WHY I feel this way and that there’s nothing wrong with me. I hope one day I can rewatch these videos and be glad I’m no longer in the cycle ..
Yes! This cycle is exactly where I’m at right now. So hard on myself and my own self esteem
Trauma bonding thank you for intense explanation.
What you said about the chemistry really hits home. I remember with my last crush who sadly turned out to be emotionally abusive, he was very charming and he gave me butterflies and when he asked me to a movie, I was over the moon, walking on cloud 9 so to speak. But, then after I expressed my interest back, that's when he started to pull away, but then had his friend bully me for my abstinence values, then told me I shouldn't take things so personally when I told him I felt uncomfortable. I told a friend about the guy and after she heard the whole story she told me, this is not a good guy. And, some people may say he's so nice, but they don't see the side of him that you see.
This explains why I kept going back numerous times! Ty Dr! You saved my sanity!
19:04 I've been through 9 different therapists before learning about narcissism, and I feel like all of them made things worse by framing it like I was the issue.
I had to learn about this stuff on my own, and even after going no contact and starting with a new therapist that claimed to be a specialist in this, I feel like they continued the invalidation.
if i were you i would have even worse trust issues because of all the therapists failing you
I can’t begin to imagine the inner turmoil you’ve been through, not even being heard by people who call themselves professionals.. Even tho I’ve been to a few psychiatrists before, none of them told me that I was being abused by my mother and that she was very troubled. I had to read a lot to come to the conclusion that she is a covert narcissist, just like her own mother. Sorry for what you’ve been through..
Yes the charm of the narcissist should be avoided by therapists you would think...but the therapist definitely makes it 100,000,000x worse when they fall prey and end up validating the narcissist. This happens way too often 😭
Before all of this (my narc relationship) brought up some memories of my childhood that I guess I repressed (like I always knew they happened, but I kind of just denied them), I used to think I had a wonderful childhood. I thought this way, but it's mostly from things like being at school and being around friends or cooking with my grandmother or visiting/being around more distant family. I never really had good memories of simply being with my mom, dad, and sister; the memories of good times with them are few, but I held onto them until they overrode the bad memories. It is what has helped me cope with my family since childhood; despite all the bad, hold onto the good. I notice I did this with my ex, as well. He could have said horrible things to me all week, but if he told me I was "his girl" or "beautiful" once, that was what I would hang onto. Shoot, I still, unfortunately have trouble seeing all the bad because the few good memories are always at the forefront; like I'll think about how horrible he made holidays or how he never seemed to care much about my birthday, but then remember that one time he sung me happy birthday... and that's the memory that sticks. I tend to have to ruminate on the bad to make me realize he wasn't as good as those few good memories try to make me believe. Like, I used to cry over this guy and the way he was treating me almost every other night, but the good memories keep telling me, "he wasn't THAT bad if he did this one thing". It keeps me in a denial that breaking up with him was a bad idea and that I was being too harsh and I should have just kept going because I might have eventually gotten that reward of him finally being a good partner. Even when my rational mind knows I knew him for 3 years and in that time he never made any real changes; it was always a little brief change here or there after I'd get distant or speak up. And once I was appeased once again, he'd go right back to how he was before. I hate that I have to remind myself of all the bad to stop myself from feeling guilty for leaving or that I was stupid to leave because I'd never get anything better, but it's all that seems to work. I don't want to have to think about him forever, but that trauma bond is so strong and I wonder if it will ever go away.
But, yeah, the push to leave included therapy and realizing what was happening was abuse.
Just get away from the narc. You deserve better and you will never get any better from that fraud.
I broke up with my abusive girlfriend last week and it's been one of the hardest things I had to go through.
It was only 6 months but during the 6 months we hung out and talked pretty much everyday.
Breaking up with her really did make me realize just how badly she was treating me.
This. Was. AMAZING! I think this might be one of the very rare videos you could share with someone in denial and actually convince them to look honestly at their relationship, without the skew that their addiction causes. Important info for everyone!
"..This idea of creating an Emotional Bond to somebody who is perpetrator of harm to your life.."
This jumped out at me...
That's all it is..its Emotions. Emotions don't think. Emotions are not facts.
They were created at a moment in time by a traumatic event. The event is over. I'm still here, in tact.
So when those emotions still surface, I can now identify them as just emotions..left over, still stained on my plate. Like a dinner plate, the foods been eaten, but the plate needs to be cleaned. The meal is over. Dinner time has ended..
Now I don't have to eat what's left on that plate..it just has to be cleaned.
It's just left over emotions. Before, I would panic, and succumb to its power..because I didn't UNDERSTAND what those feelings meant, why they would surface and what to do about them.
They would whisper that I'm STILL in the abusive event, still attached..but NO.
I don't have to cower under them, I can now identify what they are and let myself feel it, remind myself I'm ok. I'm safe. That is History.
Just left over emotions.
So this is why even though I hate my ex, I have changed my number and blocked all social media in hopes to never ever seeing him again, a part of me still wants him to turn up at my door. The thought of him with someone else torchers me ever minutes of the day.
Jade I suggest that you change your outlook on his next relationship a little bit ;-) Imagine his new partner as a new victim or pray who, after the initial love-bombing phase, will have to go through all the other terrible stages. You might actually start feeling sorry for her! I met such a person once with X in a public place and I took to her immediately but I couldn't say anything in front of him, anyway, she wouldn't have believed me then. I should have warned her, I think. They got divorced later, of course.