Of course, because they're perfect and you're not! Lol, never ever argue with a narc. Just ignore them and they'll lose interest in you. Even if it's a family member. They aren't well.
As in do you mean keep yourself a mystery and also make sure you ask about them when they say they like hearing you talk It could be thier getting info about you to use in the future aggainst you and if you ask about them and they ho wierd Be aware xx
@@bridgetmenham5103 I was thinking of something small, like if they suggest a movie suggest a different movie, or 'no, I would like the chicken not the fish''. When you get a snotty reaction to something little early on, it's a real red flag.
@@jennysedgley8284 well Ive gone on a second date tonight and he said he didn't like Christmas and I said I'm a Christmasey person all year and he was saying he liked my friend who fixes us up and I asked if hE fancies her and hE said yes . Blimey IS that a red flag???,, xx
Summary 1 - own your reality 2 - don’t fall for charisma 3 - a smart and educated person is not necessarily kind 4 - don’t get snowed by rich, famous and smart 5 - watch how they treat who they think are below them 6 - learn their tells 7 - become OK with setting boundaries 8 - dump the enablers 9 - stop giving second chances 10 - surround yourself with good people and build a healthy support system 11 - become OK with talking the unpopular route
I can’t wait to dump, have NOO contact… with the Enablers. Who have helped destroy my marriage! It will be happening, in a few months! 🎉 Soo Sadly this Married Couple, are living in a poor marriage Themselves… ! She spilt the beans 😢! They were Soo excited to see How mentally unstable. My Narc is.. And they took total advantage!🎉
(Raechel Mason here) Thank you for this. It took me WAY too long to realize some of these things. It was hard for me because I had a narcissistic mother AND a narcissistic little sister. I finally cut off my sister entirely. And I finally said, "No!" to my mom! I have to live with her because she is in her 80's and has dementia. There's no way we could afford care for her. My sister doesn't help at all. I would never ask for it, though...to protect myself. I would rather not give her that power. And, OH, does that pi$$ her off. It's really hard because I do like her. She shares the same sense of humor, many life experiences, but it is truly not worth the effort to be walking on eggshells ALL the TIME. That would be my advice. You said basically the same thing. I just thought I'd put that version out there. You should not have to feel like you have to walk on eggshells for ANYone. Even family. It is absolutely not worth it. I may isolate myself too much. I am not sure. I know I just got to a point where I absolutely will not take rude, judgemental, uncomfortable people any more than is absolutely necessary. I am a people pleaser and I suppose my sister thought of me as a "golden child" as I am good at the things I chose to do....acting and riding horses professionally. I admit that was a hard act to follow. I got no special treatment, though. I did it all on my own. But boy, did my sister try to pull me down at every opportunity. Always judging 🙄. She did get more abuse from my mom but that was because she was seeking her attention constantly where I put distance between myself and their treatment. My mom finally, FINALLY has been treating me better and accepting that I have to tell her "no". She does NOT accept that she is not fit to do many things. Especially because she will drive and go buy vodka. OMG a drunk 80 year old narcissist? You talk about difficult!. It is a nightmare. I cut off all fears of putting my foot down and things are better. But like I said, it took me way too long, so I have a long way to work myself back to who I really am, being trapped and aĺl. I've never felt much guilt for my sister because she just asked for my mom's abise. Truly. She stuck around home and just clashed with my mom while I stayed outside..away...any way I could...literally climbing trees, lol. hiking, riding, in plays....anything to keep away from the "trouble" I was always in for petty reasons with the both of them. I tried my heart out to get along with them...and the world....and never gave myself enough credit. Finally, the ties are cut. I own me. I know I am a good person. Sure, I have faults, but I treat people with respect Always have, and always will. But I will be d@mned if I am going to hang around with people that constantly judge me. No more walking on eggshells for me! No way! My two cents. Your advice has been so helpful to both me snd my husband. I just cannot believe tbere are so many narcissists out there! No more eggshells for me!
@Happy Day 'We feel sorry for her' , travelling eight hours to fix something she could've perfectly lived without and then subtly judging me for not doing it whilst living closer. 'Then WE have to do it (sigh).' She has a support system very close to home and I understand that she'd rather ask family, but the family should be allowed to say 'no'. I've wished the other family members strength in setting boundaries. Haven't seen any sign of those yet.
Be okay with being alone. You don’t need their money, their attention, their support or their positive regard in order to feel good and live a great life. Freedom never loses its sweetness.
I love that! I love seeing them suffer. Mine has good & bad buttons. On & Off. Nice & Mean. If they're nice, next moment coming will be nasty, rude. They love the control of your moods. What, who will they attack when you disappear????
@@sunnyday6408 they will always have a victim I cut off ( finally) all communication with my mother 3 years ago when I was 60... now it’s my niece who’s subjected to it☹️
And when they can't control you anymore, they will control how others perceive you and will talk bs about you, to make then look like a victim and transform you (the real victim) into a somekind of "abuser".
@@alexandradumitru4281 many in my own family have done this, used me as a scape goat. When I stood up for myself they made up all sorts of stories about me and put me down. I dont asshole with any of them.
@@liljerseygirl249 my father did this! After the funeral of my son (who was 3 months old when he passed) he made everything about him, started to act in front of everyone about how much pain he feels, but in reality he was just mentally abusing me, my husband and my mother. We left! And I never ever want to see that man again in my life, for he has done so much harm and caused so much pain to me and my mother, I will never be able to forgive and forget!
Being a narcissistic magnet most of my life, I’ve become a super sensitive bullshit detector! I will not tolerate excuses, ghosting, deflecting, etc.. I will cut someone off IMMEDIATELY & not look back! It’s not worth it & NO ONE is good looking enough or charming enough to make me loosen my boundaries when it comes to a relationship! This is my life we’re talking about & I take that very seriously! We’re only here for a short time, don’t let anyone make your time miserable, you deserve better!! Peace and love!
It is going to be worst in nowadays world. The amount of narcissists is growing specially thanks to the Internet etc! My daughter is the narcissist and she is killing me truly. Her kids, my grandchildren will suffer too. They are estranged to me ( my daughter made 100% sure that I have no access and liberty with them! ) I am helpless and now I am focusing on to forget about them for good. It is very sad indeed.
There's an initial void empty feeling, then they charm to build up, and we feel good. Then pop! Little put down, used to make the old me want them to see my worth and jump hoops for their approval. Long gone are those days, I hope by God's grace 🙏🏻
@@FaithfulandTrue777 So true - I have to laugh! (mostly about myself giving second chances over and over again )... "we feel good. Then pop! Little put down"
I call it: "Watch out! If they put themsleves in your shoes, you're never getting those shoes back." I have been burned so much by trying to put myself in their shoes, even going to therapy to understand my limitations, only to have it thrown in my face as an admission of guilt (with no attempt to put themselves in my shoes) for a decade. Now, grey rock it is!
Yep. This is how I got manipulated most of the time. Seeing and understanding her point of view (as I usually try to do with many people) is dangerous and can lead to lowering your boundaries without noticing it.
This is a big one. Thank you! It’s what I try to do every time yet most every romantic relationship I’ve been in are narcissists & 1 sociopath. (Parents are narcissistic & mom’s mother full narcissist ((or more)) & my sister is a psychopath.) I didn’t get this till going through therapy from my sociopath husband (now ex-husband) I’ve been surrounded by it my entire life. It’s comfortably uncomfortable for me. THIS is the tip I needed though. I’ve NO narcissist/ic friends (nor ever have) yet almost every close romantic relationship has been with a narcissist (or worse.) I’m trying to break the cycle & I think this might be the missing piece. This & Dr. Ramani’s ‘no charm’ advice. For some reason I look for VERY different people for friends v lovers...yet all I’ve ever wanted is my lover to be my best friend. Lots of work to do still. But seriously this tip of yours is key for me 💛🙏
A friend told me yesterday: ‘freedom begins where expectations end’ . I found it incredibly powerful to deal with narcissist, expect nothing good and you will be free of their poison
Riled.... yes in fact one very good thing that a narcissist in your life does is wake you up to what needs to be corrected in your life... putting some one else before your self is simply not wise... mabey in heaven but certainly not on this Earth
Yesss I'm still in the middle of getting divorced from my narcicistic husband and I never saw it coming until our first child. This is what happened to me th-cam.com/video/Yes6IAaa4I4/w-d-xo.html
With gaslighting you just say, straight away, with laughter, 'You're just saying that to get out of it yourself!' Or if it's the more insidious Dry, measured, pre-meditated, gaslighting, say 'You're going away to give it consideration' . Last thing they want. Then you can come back in your own time and tell them you think their explanation is rubbish. After all 'gaslighting' is weak and deranged.
Yes... but it is also possible to be wrong or have a nuanced conflict. I’m sure somebody Toxic is watching this video and thinks they are an empath. Not to say they’re experiencing abuse too, but not every relationship is black and white
Beware of people's RUDENESS and SARCASM--those are BIG WARNING SIGNS--narcissistic people will start by doing small rude things like not saying thank you or making snide comments and then acting like it's no big deal.
I have TWO if not more, people like that in my life! I work with one of em and the other is a longtime "friend". It's all i can do, most of the time, not to tell em to f*** themselves and storm out.
You just described several family members of mine 😯 my therapist from years ago said i was the peacekeeper in the family.. and now as an adult, if i want to get along with my family members i have to excuse their rude and mean behaviour.. and further, I understand i will never get an apology from them.. & that REALLY hurts, some of the things one of them has done to me was unforgivable.. but if i waited around for a heartfelt apology i would never have a relationship with my family because those apologies will never & have never come.. so I swallow my pride, I forgive them so there is peace.. unhealthy? Yea.. but i accept it and have my faith in God and small circle of true blue friends.. so it is what it is.. but when it's family there's not much you can do..
Don’t carry people’s shame for them, trying to reduce people’s suffering isn’t your responsibility. Leave your cape at home, you don’t have to always save people from their difficult emotions. Don’t be fooled by flattery and recognise a user when you see one..
Narcissists are like dishonest beggars. They ignore you the moment you say you don't have any cash. However, unlike with narcissists, I have met honest beggars.
When I get gaslighted I take the conversation right back to the original question over and over. The narc gets tired of not being able to change the subject. Works great to repel them.
@@michellegaylord6142 I've tried to take the conversation back and confuse the conversation like he does. Yes for a minute he will feel depleted but only for a minute. Its enough to get them to refuel and come back at you with full force. Mine will bring out things I did many years ago and even make up stories. In the end, it gets exhausting for you. Because you are not made like them. Your goal is to find a solution to the issue at hand. Their goal is to word salad, gaslight you and leave you confused. This is how they protect their fragile ego and will do anything to protect it. Even they can become aggressive. Its exhausting it will put demand on your nervous and immune systems. It will cause you chronic illnesses get out and don't look back. Its taken me 3 years and a few health issues. Now this is it! Protect your life and go no contact. Don't wait to be reeled out on a stretcher and I know some people doubt that their narcs are not capable of harming them but they are. They are the same. It gets worse and damages your health
Yes I feel so blessed since I’m sick on disability, so it’s helpful to have the Dr guide us! I am isolated and think sick or not I need to at least find healthy people. I don’t have family and only a daughter 24 in college. She is so stressed If we fight, so I am following the Drs advice on not engaging in it as much as possible. Very difficult to live with someone like this and my best to everyone here.
@@india1422 I feel it is profusely more complicated, if there is anxiety, depression, grief, any other health or mental conditions, family commitments etc. to leave a relationship than just taking the suggestion to leave. The practicalities may anchor some people to stay. Even though there is the just leave truth or awareness too.
Make sure you never allow someone to make you question your own reality. That’s big!! Stay away from ppl who are always shutting down your view points and rarely, if ever, allowing you to voice your own opinions, especially if they don’t allow them to carry any weight OR they don’t give you any credit for it.
A synopsis: 1.Own your truth; own your reality The first time, the FIRST time your reality is questioned by someone, step back pay attention and seriously consider cutting bait 2. Stop falling for charisma and charm 3. Just being smart or educated is not a virtue. Being smart is just a trick. It means you know stuff. Far more important is being kind. Being smart is not a virtue. 4.Keep your guard up and get to know someone before giving them the benefit of the doubt. Halos can be drawn around people who are toxic just because they are famous or fancy. Pay attention to their words or actions. 5. Watch how they treat other people. 6. Learn the narcissists tells. Watch how they behave under conditions of frustration or disappointment. 7. Become okay with setting boundaries. "No" is a complete sentence. Entitled people are more than willing to take their half out of the middle. Set those boundaries, hold those boundaries. Is the narcissist going to get mad? You better believe it. Learn to tolerate their discomfort instead of succumbing by constantly being the one who compromises for them. 8. Dump the enablers. The narcissists are only part of your problem, the enablers are the rest of the issue. 9. Stop giving second chances. Second chances are what give narcissists their power. Be on watch. Second chances turn into ten-thousandth chances. 10. Surround yourself with good people. They (narcissists) are like invasive weeds that choke out the good stuff in your garden. They get jealous when you give it to others (your time). 11. Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path. 12. One of the most ultimate narcissist repellants is to have meaning in your life. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your wisdom. You are helping so many people.
Trust your instincts. If something seems off with actions or words, then it probably is. If they tell you how they have treated people on the past, that is most likely how they will treat you. Watch for patterns in their actions.
That is true however when we are in the throws of love/attraction and are committed we gloss over alarming behavior and blame it on outside forces. I certainly did until it was too late. Believe what they show you the first time.
First time it's their fault, second time it's yours. But, I personally, have often forgiven too quick, particularly with my own family. You don't practically have other options. Even they are a more practical help than the alternative, in the short term.
thank you for this! one of the early warning signs I dismissed was when my 'narc' put his own wants for my time and attention above my physical safety. Even though he knew that meeting his request would put me in danger, he still pressured me, and sadly I gave in. feeling pressured to do what doesn't feel aligned for me, and isn't good for me, is a warning sign I intend to heed in the future.
It can be lonely when you seem to be the only one who sees them for who they really are. Ain't that the Truth? That's where I have been for awhile, just now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The more I watch this channel the more I like it.
I began the walking away bit ... literally about 4 years ago. Prior to that I thought it would be too rude. Sod social nicities. I now make no excuse, no apology, no comment.... I just leave without saying a word, no guilt either. If it smells bad go to where the air is fresher...and I do!! lol
Lesley EL ALAMI yes we must walk away sometimes! It’s the only way to protect ourselves sometimes and it’s the only thing that gains some people’s respect
Gossiping is their way and agenda is their game. They study the room with crossed legs and want to control the room and the situations around them. Their fits are like a child.
I dissagree with the crossed legs, there isnt body language, crossed legs and crossed hands means that I am ready to be defansive: I m ready to hear and judge, that doesnt means anything, sometimes you want a coherent story of your experiences and the experience of others, you dont need to be completly open-gaslight yourself by accepting the realities of others and denying youself. Narcissists are defensive, but defensive people arre not narcissists, this is a one way road --->. Opinion, ofc if you dissagree we need proves
I am saying that because people need to be defensive when they face threats. If they want to stop being victims. Τhat's why I am a little confident that the gaslight concept needs more structure, you deny the reality of the other person, when this person has proved her/his side. (Sry for my English)
Narc is very clever with the gossip... lots of emotional pulling with faces, sighs, hand gestures, mocking... they set the general tone, fly in some general comments before the gaslighting gets heavy handed. It's not only me who is gaslighted. I'm trying to keep things grounded by simply asking ..'Who? When?..'Is that your opinion or their opinion? Be more specific, because I don't understand where you are coming from'... So far this is my defense against gaslighting. Narc can't handle being specific because it unravels the lies... Defending myself to the enablers only gave them more ammunition.
Absolutely agree with the gossip routine, it goes right along with the smear campaign routine. Often the narcissist takes the gossip and isolates chosen people to share it with, then the next gossip session isolates different people, and on some cases the two (or more) different groups get together and reinforce the gossip by filling in each other's blanks the others don't have because the narcissist set it up this way, all to appear to be the one with the special twisted and fabricated knowledge of everyone else. This is how a narcissist I know keeps her group of flying monkeys interested in her on the homeowner association I live in.
55 Years married. 10 years journaling. Trying to figure out how to communicate in a way that would not set him off. Then, I saw your videos and learned a narcissist can be the most wonderful member of the family. Always kind, listening and doing things for others and yet, I could be a victim of total disregard of my feelings, my needs, my desires and not because of what I did or did not say or do.
So sad Carolyn. I can relate to trying to communicate the ‘right’ way. One of Dr Ramani’s videos I listened to before this says they don’t know how to answer ‘why’ questions. THAT was mind blowing!! So true as I reflect. Also she says, we learn so we can protect ourselves, NOT so we can change them. 2 simple points that are so powerful.
Thats the crazy part right? The everybodys darling, considerate with everyone, more empathic with a acquaintance or eaven a stranger .. but totall lack of empathy and connection with the partner. So everyone thinks you are the nut. I realized the most unsettling thing for the narc is mentioning his actions in public. He gets totally out of balance. Really challenging having to deal with a Narc, especially when you have to co parent.
Hi have been dealing with the same situation trying how to communicate in ways that would not set off another fight. Tried every possible way but nothing works. And as u rightly said they are the most wonderful people on earth who are so full of love , compassion, care etc etc for everyone except their partner for whom ideally they should do it the most. I was puzzled thinking about this but when i started watching these videos and reading messages like yours i understand that i am not alone . Thanks a lot
@@carolinehaw6015 It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile is. Start making new friends away from your current contacts. You may have to give up some of your current friends as they are deceived by this narc. I have found that each person needs to see a narc for what they are and not someone telling them. Narc are very manipulative and people just can't believe they are something else. Wishing you the best.
I saw a t-shirt that said, "Not here to please you" and immediately put that in my set of go-to phrases that I say to myself (not out loud) when dealing with my covert narcissist mother. A few others are, "The less I say, the safer I am" and "Don't give away your thoughts/opinions here for free; save them for people who value them."
@@Angell_Lee Absolutely! It's also necessary and difficult to become accustomed to simply sitting quietly with their dissatisfaction, confusion, and discomfort, which they will frantically try to pin on you, expressly or impliedly. Casual indifference to my mother's escalating frustration is so hard, but extremely efdective.
I came up with a list of philosophies for myself that I printed out and hung on my refrigerator. 1. The people I allow into my life will be positive, non judgmental, will seek happiness in their lives, won’t lie to me, and will respect my boundaries. 2. My home will be my sanctuary. 3. I will always keep the ones I love safe. 4. My work must make me feel good at the end of the day. 5. My self esteem is important and I will take care of it daily. 6. I will extend myself the same courtesies I give to other people. 7. I will not hold myself back because of other people's Rules. 8. Other people are responsible for their own happiness, I'm not there to fix it for them. 9. I will say what I'm thinking instead of what I think others want me to say. 10. I will stop people pleasing.
10. Only please those that are genuine and truly love you. Doing for others that can bring pleasing back to you through efforts of actions and encouraging words.
Here are a couple of additional ways to resist: Don't take anything personally - this isn't about you (from don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements) - I have found that when someone starts raging, that keeping my responses minimal and neutral deprives the fire of oxygen. Another thing: stop accepting "gifts" from them, because they see everything as a transaction and the last thing you want is to set up a quid pro quo with a narcissist.
Interesting. Recentlt met a new friend. Early on she kept trying to give me things. Wanted to drop off food at my house. A calendar. A belated birthday gift and I hardly knew her. She had odd behavior and raged early on. I stopped interaction with her. Searched for information on love bombing in same sex friendships, but couldn't find much. I thought, "it's like she's love bombing me," so your comments helps make sense of quid pro quo. She would use it later to say I gave you this, and I gave you that, etc to try and make you feel badly and gain some sort of leverage?
Yep especially the gifting thing. They use that as leverage to manipulate you later down the road once you stop giving them what they want. I ended up giving back birthday presents they had given me and never asking them for anything so they can't hold it over my head to make me feel obligated or guilty anymore.
@@dianemuldoon2974the lovemombing with gifts are transactional. They regurgitate it when they're told NO, cant get their way in something, holding them accountable and leaving them. The gifts are manipulative way to keep you serving them and controlling you. You are right, friends do it as well and they idealize you for their own purpose of helping them achieve an image, job, influence, your money, etc.
Just notes -- 1.Detect gaslighting 2.Don't' get attached to charismatic ,seductive people. Sometimes all that glitters is not gold. 3.Education is not directly proportional to good virtues .( same like charismatic or successful) 4.Same like 3 ( insert wealth in lieu of education) 5.Watch how they treat people 6. Dont accept their false excuses 7.Set healthy boundaries.Learn to say NO 8.DUMP the narcissist enablers . 9.Stop giving second chances by gaslighting urself 10.Surround urself with good empathetic people. Find ur passion ,work for it This is your life ..your choice and all your happiness is in your hands Don't give that power to anyone else BONUS:sometimes in this journey u might be left out and alone ...but dont worry ..those who fly alone have the strongest wings . Also : dont self destruct ..Face and fight ..be it therapies ,books Educate urself ,help urself . Stay strong ,Stay healthy .. Be patient ..we will definitely make it to the other side💪✌✌✌✌
I have learned that most of the misery in my life came out of my inability to set boundaries. Empaths have a difficult time finding strength to set boundaries. It takes much healing to get to the place where you can set boundaries.
I feel like several really crucial things were left out of this list. Among them are: 6. Pace yourself when forming new relationships 5. Be your own source of validation 4. Familiarize yourself with the narcissistic cycle of manipulation (love bombing/idealization, devaluation, discard, hoovering, repeat) and behavior patterns (gaslighting, blameshifting, projection, triangulation, word salad) 3. Know exactly what your standard is for how you wish to be treated; anyone that doesn't meet that standard or responds inappropriately when you articulate your boundaries is filtered out 2. When you see signs of contempt, RUN 1. Identify AND HEAL your attachment style; insecurely attached people are infinitely more likely to attract narcissists
Another one: pay attention to what your body says. It's incredible how clear mine talked. I'd fall literally ill every fifteen days, which bothered him a lot, of course. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
After attending many sessions of body psychotherapy I now honour what my body is feeling, short circuiting the rationalisation that I've been conditioned in my family to practice.
I’d start not sleeping well, getting a knot in my stomach, GI issues, irritability, nagging my kids to death about their rooms and homework, and anxious about groceries and housework, the entire week before the N’s visits. Then a week of recover time afterward!
I’m guilty of going with the flow. I’m now 19 years in and miserable, mentally and physically exhausted. They just continue to take no matter how easy you try to make their lives. It’s NEVER enough.
7 billion people on the planet, a lot of narcs to serve, don't be last in this queue!!... make sure you're top of your own list. Attend to YOUR agenda first, you can't fill up a bucket that has a hole in it. Learn to be what other people call selfish and realise it's not selfishness.... it's self interested. Sometimes if you're not interested no-one else is. Self first and when you get to overflowing then they can have the spill over.
Ditto! I hear ya! It’s been over 21yrs here and now I’m having very serious health issues but as soon as I’m well enough, I’m out. My hope is that you can break free, flourish and find out what you’re really meant for. I’m rooting for you and everyone else who has to or has been enduring these types of people.
So true! I'm preparing to leave a narcisstic relationship and it's amazing how their demands erode away your "me time". I'm excited to focus on myself!
@PurplePinkRed Awesome and totally agree about the erosion of me time! Build a fortress around your personal activities and goals and all the best with your transition to the next chapter.
OMG 😢 I’m crying while watching this. I didn’t even realize I was in this kind of a relationship until now. Thank you so much for this video. It is really so unhealthy. I feel so lonely and not myself.
You’re lucky you found her channel now. I needed it 13 years ago and suffered way too long. Just having awareness will get you through. Be patient with your healing process, you’re doing great🥰
Another one: Be completely financially independent of them if you can, and don't allow them access to your finances.. Dependent=control to them unfortunately.
Good advice, you cannot depend on them in anything and certainly not in your livelihood; so much future faking and opportunism. They simply do not value other people, nor their basic rights and needs, they would leave you penniless if they could and not feel bad about it.
That was my narcissistic mom's strategy : she refused to take her name off the joint bank account that was meant to be mine (she opened it when I was 8, so a cosigner was mandatory at that point), so I made her blow up with rage when I sneaked around and emptied it to open my own. At this time, my older brother still hadn't done so and was so deeply entrenched in the harmful control my mom had over him, that he actually attempted suicide when she found out he had spent a major portion of his savings in only a month. She demanded he earned all the money back within a month, which was impossible with his minimum wage job. I encouraged him to do the same thing as me. He did, thankfully.
Going along with this advice, don’t let them handle any business for you. My mother was my insurance rep for a while. When I started realizing she was a problem (before I knew what NPD was ) I went with another company. She did NOT like that. Her bad reaction told me I’d made the right choice.
"Being smart is not a virtue...kindness and compassion are virtues" Thank God for professionals such as you. This is not only useful to avoid narcs, this is validation for us empaths. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
@@maryellwood3653 oh are you ever so right, they will give unsolicited advice about everything. And try to get you to believe that they are the smartest and no the most of the situation. Even if they don't they try to convince you with something they even made up. Be careful in believing everything they say, they want you to think how smart they are so that you come to them and ask advice about everything. I learned the hard way but not anymore.
"A wise man conceals his learning." "Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." "A wise old owl sat on an oak; the more it saw, the less it spoke; the less it spoke, the more it heard; why don't we imitate that wise old bird?"
💜 MAY WE ALL DROP A THANK YOU HEART TO DR. RAMANI ? to say thank you for enabling us to have such valuable life skills advice for free to some of us who couldn't afford life coaching etc. And we usually are the ones who need it the most !
I think it's also helpful to realize that everything the narcissist says about you is probably true about themselves instead. This is their projection. So keep that separation in mind - - that what they say is true about themselves--and not true about you.
We can call it "QTIP" = "Quit Taking It Personally" - they never take responsibility for their own 'stuff', they just set out to maneuver more expertly to avoid having to do so, and to expertly get their needs met at others' expense!
I so agree with you. I have a narc mom and a narc ex fiance, I guess people like us are a narc magnets. I chose freedom over my ex and I'm choosing and choosing myself over my narc mom now. I love her but I need to keep my peace and sanity too.
@@jeem8760 i have a narc mom. it is bad news. no love ever. stay awayand find a new family. you willprobably become the scapegoat. do not take it personally (even though you are being attacked), it is about them and their inabilty to be humane. Just stay away. They will never change, they dont want to, they are predators. you are their prey. and yes, a sensitive, thoughful, openminded person is a magnet for their abuse.
I don't trust anyone who never says 'Oh I'm not sure about that'. To me that is an indicator there is no room for growth. No one knows everything, so there is bound to be at least one thing they could say I'm not sure about that, I've never come across that.... but they don't want to show ANY vulnerability. Know it alls. LOL
I’ve grown up with narcissistic siblings…and I ended up becoming a people pleaser just to buffer their negativity…your channel has really opened my eyes to the mental abuse I’ve grown up with and the mockery and belittling I still experience today…I didn’t realize their words taught me to self sabotage my own goals in life…I love your points about surrounding yourself with people who actually care about myself and about not sharing my goals or successes in life with my narcissistic family members…cause they’re really not happy for me. 😳
I've born into a Narcissistic family of huge number of people. I truly believe i'm the only non-narc in the whole family on my mother's side. They've done a lot of damage in me that i still suffer from. Recently i found out that the only person i ever trusted was my childhood friend of 50 years that i really admired is a COVERT Narcissist. Looking back i had a million signs under my nose but i chose to ignore it. It is so normal for me to deal with narcs all my life that i didn't even notice anything different. I am also a people pleaser, i gave everyone a billion chance to abuse me again and again. I understand your situation, i feel for you. I hope you'll heal your soul soon and find true happiness with normal folks. Wish you the best! 😘
Once you learn the tools to deal with them and start using them, it changes EVERYTHING! I grew up in a dysfunctional home and like you, didn't even realize what was going on. I thought it was normal.
I eventually went no contact with my siblings. The one is a narcissist and I am her primary target. The other five enable her and blame me. It doesn't help that I was the scapegoat in the family.
Me and my brothers were only 3 years apart in age. When our father was home all of us felt like we were walking on eggshells even when he was allegedly sleeping because we never knew when he was going to be only pretending to sleep while assuming things about what we were up to at the time. So all 3 of us learned how to be people pleasers whenenver the situation was calling for it. A narcissist loves to triangulate people like us before we get their number.
I had a narc friend, knew her for 10 yrs, she would pull shit on me periodically then was disrespectful to me on a New Years Day brunch + I started analyzing her history with me realized she was a narc so I cut her out of my life. This shocked mutual friends who became enablers / flying monkeys who called to get me to 'forgive' her but I shut that down. I told them I was explaining only once to them + the subject would then be closed. Went over in detail a number of transgressions + they had been present for + knew I addressed those at the time + it didn't get better + I said, I will not be dealing with that any more + be warned that as she doesn't have me to kick around anymore she will start on one of you. Well it only toke six months for that to happen. LOL
The nice women who are married to a narcissistic, run around, assaultive guy. These nice women think they have to protect him, so they enable him, and are actually on his team of abusive behavior. Men use these wives as shields.
When they say “ I love you” pay attention how they are saying, why, when and watch what they do after. Narcissists use I love you as manipulation that somehow it puts you back on course. If someone genuinely loves you it’s shown in their actions not just the words. Actions matter.
So true! Every time I heard I love you...repeatedly.........I knew he had been sleeping with someone else 🤣. Once I figured him out. I felt so foolish to believe that he ever cared or was capable of being in a mature respectful adult monogamous relationship!! Such a fool! But, experience and education come at a cost.....
A female narc I know can't end a phone conversation with most people without saying, "I love you" and sometimes blabbing on ad nauseam with over the top reasons why she feels that way. She seems to have no self-awareness of how desperate and manipulative she sounds.
I feel like several really crucial things were left out of this list. Among them are: 6. Pace yourself when forming new relationships 5. Be your own source of validation 4. Familiarize yourself with the narcissistic cycle of manipulation (love bombing/idealization, devaluation, discard, hoovering, repeat) and behavior patterns (gaslighting, blameshifting, projection, triangulation, word salad) 3. Know exactly what your standard is for how you wish to be treated; anyone that doesn't meet that standard or responds inappropriately when you articulate your boundaries is filtered out 2. When you see signs of contempt, RUN 1. Identify AND HEAL your attachment style; insecurely attached people are infinitely more likely to attract narcissists
Some other ways- 1. Monitor your inner self talk if you have positive self talk and self compassion you are going to look out for people who treat you the same way. 2. Don't have the belief that if you sacrifice just enough people will value you and finally notice your efforts. If people don't value you when you sacrifice a little they won't value you when you sacrifice a lot and will take you for granted. 3. Notice the red flags early. If a person abuses you the first time leave asap as it only gets worse with time. 4. Watch how they talk about their ex. Statements like all my ex's were crazy bitches is a huge red flag. 5. Do not think that if a person is overconfident or know it all they actually have a good reason for being that way. It can be possible for a person who does not know anything to act like a know it all. 6. Beware of connections that seem like home if home wasn't a good place for you. Break the mindset that familiarity is safety. 7. Don't think other people are like you. Just because you are a nice person doesn't mean others are good people too. Also stop believing there is a good side to everybody and don't project your niceness onto others. 8. Beware if a person overly values you on superficial things like the way you look, the way you dress, the brand of your shoes etc. 9. Beware of people who give you extreme amount of validation because there is a high chance they need the same from others. For example they may give over the top compliments like "you are the most beautiful person in this world" or "you deserve the best in life and I will make sure that happens when you are with me". 10. Don't think that it is better to be with an abuser rather than being alone.
Excellent. My favorite is #7, "Don't think other people are like you." That gives too much credit to people who are consistently shitty. Instead, "tell 'em like you smell 'em."
Stop watching shows or movies that reinforce the idea that relationships should be frustrating, confusing, and whatever combination of “hot and cold” that is being sensationalized. Breaking up and making up, crying yourself to sleep, and feeling like shit about yourself are NOT a sign of passion or love. I used to enjoy watching Sex and the City, but now I can’t stand to see it after realizing how toxic Carrie and Big are as love interests. Cut out all that influence that makes you think love is complicated and messy! That is NOT what we (or future generations) should be led to believe is healthy or normal.
I know you have thousands of comments and it's overwhelming to read them all. But you helped me get out of a 30 year marriage to a narcissist. I don't hate him. I have sadness that it's not that he didn't want to love, he was incapable. I spent 30 years trying to prove my love, our children did the same. We never thought to ask him to show love to us. I'm grateful for your education and wisdom on this subject and will carry this with me on my journey to find love in a partner and companion. My son is also very grateful I finally left his dad. I held back leaving earlier because I didn't want to raise my son in a broken family, I think more harm was caused by staying. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Oh gosh Sherrie, that’s exactly why I’m staying. My boys are so young. I tried the separation for a while and they were not okay. It broke my heart to see them so lost and sad that we weren’t a family, so we reconciled. He changed for a bit, but is starting back on his old ways. I’m starting marriage counseling again with a new therapist.
@@loormaria try and show your sons that his words and actions don't match, get them to recognise their feelings if they were gaslit or manipulated by asking "did that feel kind or loving?" would a kind person belittle you like that or does that gift feel like a gift or does it come with strings attached and expectation? Beware abuse worsened when I returned, finally fled to a refuge with my little one leaving all. Thank God we did, He is the only Truth that can save you 🙏🏻
My heart goes out to all the Victims in this world It's uncalled for and breaks my heart to know so many are losing their lives over this. The Narcissist is uncalled for. *Minslegend* , don't stop doing you we here to support you 💯%..
I used to think that ignoring, or refusing to react was helpful. In the end, all that did was encourage an escalation in their behaviors. The bad behaviors got progressively worse and their remorseful “makeup” acts more frequent. Sigh. I also tried repeating back the horrid things they would say as a way to get them to recognize how repugnant their words were. In the end that did not work either. My leaving was the only action that worked.
I attract narcissists like a sticky flysheet. Two traits on my part that I've narrowed problem down to: 1. Unconsciously fawning. 2. Readily accommodating and compromising.
Brinda. You hit it on the nail with those two things with me also. if you want to share how you examine those things or give an example would be wonderful. --- how you shifted from what you thought was accommodating and compromising which are good things but -we- do those and inappropriate situations with covert narcissists. I learned so much from real life examples. I totally get the theory . I get stuck on what to do when it's actually happening. Thnx for share.
Some narcissists are domineering know-it-alls, definitely not charming or charismatic. Essentially they're threatening "follow the rules or I'm going to slap you down." Practicing "no contact" and "gray rock" really help!
Yes, the "my way or the highway because everyone else is an idiot" routine is common in all narcissists, even the ones who are covert and hide this routine well.
...I do not find them attractive. There is something so sensuous about honest and unassuming people. Narcissistic traits disgust me, narcissistic family members can work your last nerve.
Only works if you don't have children involved. If you do its not going to work going no contact. Grey rock isn't always possible as humans dealing with the other parent
The domineering know-it-alls....ugh! Don’t get me started! I could never stand these types....on the one hand u have moralistic ppl trying to plan ur life out (certain relatives who “mean well” but are presumptuous & insulting) and then u have the whiny, tantrum-prone intellects who are always trying to one-up you & constantly have to correct you, and point out ur flaws or inferiority....these ppl deserve to be slapped 👋🏼
I recently met a very bright, accomplished, charming, seemingly warm and witty neighbor who introduced herself by reporting her many professional achievements to me and additionally those of her children. Never once did she inquire about me or my interests. I decided this would be probably a good person to avoid from the start. Best not to risk trouble. She appears dedicated to maintaining a perfect image and a perfect decor. I doubt she will even know my name the next time we meet.
I need to learn your superpower! 😩 Seems like you are able to identify an energy sucker from that first meeting..have you always been able to do that or did you need to practice it like a skill? I tend to get sucked into the "listener's trap" because apparently they can smell my good listening skills from a mile away or something. And since I don't talk about myself too much, they are more than happy to talk my ear off about them and turn anything I say about myself right back to them..it's exhausting.
I’ve learned from experience that if someone dumps his resume on you at first meeting, they will likely continue to do so and show themselves to be no one you want to know. The superiority game starts at first greeting.
Alena First greeting says a lot. So true! For me, when that first encounter is over, if I don’t feel happy, or I feel a tight gut, I know something is wrong. I used to blame myself but now, maybe I have more practice, it’s getting clearer as to who they are from the start.
@@Shukra9665 in my understanding the exact context when she said that was before in a closer relation with a narcissistic person: don't fall for smart or successful - check if someone is kind, too, before you engage. All the best!
Virtuous people are not always kind and kind people are not always virtuous. But I would go with virtue, because it does not exclude kindness. But kindness sometimes excludes virtue, which is the problem in the original statement, because kindness can be self-defeating, unlike virtue.
Acts of kindness, appearance of happiness, being a good listener it can all be faked and is definately not always someones traits and is not always a virtue!!! The person who everyone sees as "nice" all of the time can also be an act with the motivation of not being pure. With a covert narcissistic person this is all an act. It's not normal to be over the top with anything. A person that has the appearance of never faulting from "being nice" "kind" etc in public can be using that as their mask to gain the accolades and attention and advantaces on the outside to lore people into their web of fantasy and illusion about themselves as they use their manipulation and charm
Totally understand your opinions, too. Hm, everyone might have slightly different definition of the word "kindness". Niceness is not kindness in my eyes - one is sugary and sweet and leaves you hungry, the other has something nurturing and real to it. It's full of heart and has not necessarily an overly sweet manner. Intuition helps me to feel if something is truly heartfelt or if something feels off. If something feels off - I usually think people have reasons for being people pleasers and failing to be authentically kind Could be trauma related fawning. So my question in that case is "Is this person I am dealing with a person that is caught in their patterns or are they a wolf in sheep's clothing?" If someone is "always nice" etc. it does have something strange to it, whatever that might be in the end ... Probably it's even a bigger issue in the United States or maybe in Japan where wearing a very polite or sweet mask is anchored deeply in the culture. Here in Europe sometimes people love to act gruff and show a big heart anyways.
My husband became mad when I began my spiritual journey. No matter how difficult I resisted. I managed my time to continue. That's 3 years ago. Now, I gain inner liberty, calmness even when he gaslight me. I learnt how to not engage, not personalised. I feel more equipped now and strangely his gaslighting frequency goes down and my ability to respond instead of react goes up. Immense thanks to Dr Ramani, her videos allow me to understand and identify narcissist behaviour 🙏🏼
That bit about the charisma. Holy crap, so that's why I usually dislike the kind of people everyone else seems to adore. I've been exposed to narcissism far too early.
I think there’s a difference bw genuine charm/authenticity & artificial charm that is slick (but u still have to be cautious)...even if the slickness is well played, I can usually feel if something is wrong...there’s something abt being disingenuous that repels me
I became financially independent so I didn't need his money. It took alot of hard work but well worth all the long hours. I have more confidence knowing I can take care of myself.
Seeing this comment made me cry. One of the worst positions to be in is being economically dependent of a person who wrecks you emotionally. You feel like you can never escape. I'm glad you achieved independence and I'll work hard to do the same.
My ex fiancé encouraged me to go back to school to become a nurse, avoided me the entire time I was in school, then tried to get me to “take care of him and his Mom” when I was finished. He was always trying to get me to pay for him, taking advantage of me, and never wanted me to be involved in his personal life or with his family. I was so miserable, but kept giving him repeated chances. He was legitimately shocked when I said I wasn’t happy and broke up with him. He did nothing, except tell me that “he would always love me” and then proceed to pretend that I never existed. Life is so much better for me now. I am with a man who loves me, he tells me, he shows me. He is real and invites me to be part of his real life. The best thing ex did was be an asshole, bc I never would have left.
In my experience, I’ve seen that when you share the compliments other people give you, it can trigger the narcissist into being even nastier, but it definitely aggravates them to know that other people like you, your personality and your work! It can sometimes lead to dramatic episodes, but these episodes are very helpful to call them out on their behavior! To show them that it’s evident that they are not the gracious, simple and honest people they claim to be all the time! Thank you Dr. Ramani! Your videos have been very helpful to me!
Idk, I have two narcissistic parents and I am very compassionate and a people person, probably because narcs make you learn how to read the slightest signs in people to notice a change of heart... So, I am also very extraverted and I consider myself to be charismatic. But I am not hiding anything, I sincerely admire people for the good things they do and tell them this. So, I don't like the analogy.
@@saltaba321 Yeah I also think I'm kind of charismatic, but not charming though. Sadly it is very common for very abusive persons to be very charming I have seen it many times and they wrap people around their little finger. People can be abusive even if they aren't charming too.
It is important as you stated not to get into these relationships in the first place! If you grew up with narcissistic parents and are an empath you are a narcissist magnet. After years and years I have broken free from the narcissists in my life! Remember narcissists are very dangerous!
Oh geez 🤦🏻♀️My dad is a narcissist and it is horrible. I hate to sound like I’m patting my own back but I really think I am an empath. I have allowed the narcissists in my life to absolutely devour me. I feel hopeless and depressed now. Pretty sure my husband has some narcissistic tendencies as well but I can’t be sure because he has also been diagnosed with Aspergers years ago. I love him and I think he loves me as much as he’s capable of loving. He found his dad dead at 5 yrs old and remembers it clearly. He has a mom who has never said “I love you” to him or hugged him or anything like that. I think that’s weird. Anyway, I can’t tell if he’s a narcissist or if he’s just emotionally immature or closed off because he has never been taught or shown how to be compassionate, loving, affectionate, etc... He also uses sarcasm often and I despise sarcasm. I just hate feeling the way I do and when I read your comment it kinda shocked me because I didn’t think having a narcissistic father and being a loving person myself, would make me a magnet for narcissists but you may be right!
BS17 Keep learning. It’s confusing and upsetting but it will get clearer and clearer. Regardless of what your husband has experienced, please value what you have experienced and are experiencing now as more important. You are the only one who can, who knows what it’s like inside.
@@debwefoxx9389 I agree with you. BS17, focus on yourself. Just because your husband had difficult childhood is not for you to 'fix'. It is an explanation, not an excuse for him to hurt you with sarcasm. Tell him straight on his face, I didn't like what you said and I don't like sarcasm. Remember we can't change any adult unless they want to change. Your focus must be on "YOU", to make sure you are healthy, happy, content. Be at peace with yourself. Treat yourself well. Find activities and people who value you and make you happy. No one loves us as much as we love ourselves. So, take care, lots of love from Austin, TX 💞🌹🍫
@@BS-dq1kz Well narcissists love to play the victim role to keep kind, empathetic people on the hook. Often times they are not telling the truth about their past or are exaggerating it. Even if some of it is true there is NOTHING you can do to FIX it for them. My last narc relationship I was a captive audience for years of whining and victim mentality. It ultimately harmed me but didn't heal the narcissist at all. They cannot be fixed in this lifetime. Value you yourself enough to break the trauma bond and stop the abuse. When you look back, most likely you will wonder why you stayed so long. Its just not worth it.
If you grew up with narcissistic parents, unfortunately it's likely that you won't recognize the danger of a new narcissist easily. The new narcissist in your life will feel familiar, even comfortable at first. Just like "home."
This woman is such a beautiful guiding angel for my life! My family members are so narcissistic and I really can’t handle the thought of having more in my jobs, friend groups and other areas of my life. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with everything.❤
I know it sounds like something out of a self help book, but finding real happiness really repelles those suckers. They can't stand it if you are actually happy.
What I personally do against the main narcissist in my life, is to really just ignore them, not look them in the eyes, and repeat in my head, "This is just manipulation, you are trying to manipulate me, and it's not working because I know what you're doing." And it really helps me to keep from reacting to it.
And then you split!! No sense staying in the company of the narcissistic. Why take pride in staying around them? Not a contest. When you see habit and pattern of a person acting narcissistic, great. THEN PLAN ON LEAVING, PUTTING DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU. GO NO CONTACT. You want to thrive, not just survive.
@ thank you so much for this. You don't always have the opportunity to stay away from them so finding ways to survive is precious. I notice not looking at them in the eye is a great weepon too.
Beware of the person who seems oh so curious to know your thoughts and dreams without sharing their own first or with any detail. If someone is overly interested in everything you say but has no original thoughts of their own when you turn the question on them... Run. I experienced this. The abuser amazingly seemed to think and feel just like I did. Wow we're so alike, we're meant to be!!!... Later I learned to call it "me too"ing. The person just stole everything I'd said and claimed it as their own to be appealing and hook me. Please be careful.
You are SO right about this. I was getting to know someone recently and it felt like a job interview where they would ask me questions about how I felt about a variety of topics and they agreed with EVERYTHING I said. I figured out pretty quickly that I was being love bombed and obsessed over before we had even met. Thankfully, we never met in person. I knew it was a bad idea.
I've seen the other extreme, the person who happens to be narcissistic or disordered who will immediately dump out all their thoughts & dreams in a long winded conversation in which you get to reveal none of your own. You're looking for something closer to 50-50 in the sharing & taking turns disclosing to one another. That said it helps to have a slightly off-putting interest or hobby to put forth as a trial balloon (one of mine is astrology). The marginally famous disordered person who I encountered (who I think highly likely has both borderline personality & narcissistic personality disorders) could not wait for me to do his birth chart PLUS I could tell he had way more knowledge of it than most heterosexual men in our culture do (most of them are leery of anything New Age). I could tell the entitlement was coming to the fore with him & I basically decided not to work it up for him (I'm sure it's been done for him numerous times & he's learned virtually nothing from it other than 'yay, someone's doing something ME-centric again!') If you have a weird/obscure/unpopular 'test hobby' & you get that 'OMG, that's my hobby too!' reaction, raise your guard higher & feel free to test what they say (surprise! the narcissist will flunk out on your 'pop quiz')
Dr Ramani, thank you for doing what you do. My journey freeing myself from a narcissistic family was when I heard, “Would you let someone do what they are doing to you to a baby in your arm?” I said a big NO and then my journey started. Took me two or three nearly dying and many years of self therapy and I am now happy.
Healthy people might be experienced as less exciting because they don't put drama into your life. If you were raised in a narcissistic system, you will have a preference for drama and that keeps you hooked in narcissistic situations. The drama is addictive. When you don't need drama, you can appreciate good people who are less exciting and healthier than the narc.
Awesome point! Facing and conquering my own addictive patterns has been a massive help in recognizing my attachment to drama and chaos and closing the door on that chapter of my life. Thank you!
this is so true! I didn't even realize until I figured out that my stepfather was a narcissist. The more I learn about narcissism the more I go grey rock (now completely no contact with him and my mom, but I still have contact with my brother who is an enabler) and find inner peace which feels so good! I actively try to avoid drama now whenever possible. I can't wait to go no contact with my brother too and be finally free.
You’re wisdom is like having an emotional bodyguard to help protect us. You combine your wonderful intellect, moral and ethics to help educate us against narcissism and toxic people. Thank you Dr Ramani🙏🏻
"Healthy people are the ones who validate you, who are a sounding boards, who do not gaslight you, who have your back, who encourage you to pursue your dreams, who have empathy, compassion, kindness, and listen to you and who do the same for you."
>*Please read*< My sister is a covert narc. 4years older than me. She's been lying about me to my parents and extended family/friends since I was a baby( We are in our 30s now) she has spent her life tormenting me and assassinating my character Contact was on and off between us for years(instigated by me after she hit me in private, then denied it, several times) we've been completely no contact again for 5 years and still I'm hearing lies she told about me that I never knew. We ignore each other if she comes to my parents home. So now she works on my parents and uses them. Our mother is now becoming wise to my sisters narc ways. My father doesn't believe it. Still thinks I'm a 'trouble maker' and not trust worthy. My advice is NEVER try to tell people about the narcs 'evil ways'... You will look crazy. EVERY TIME! And the narc will be believed again. Please ignore it, go to counselling and wait for the day others see it themselves and apologise to you. You won't ever get an apology from the narc but when others see it themselves, you will feel vindicated.
Wow I saw this topic on another video and they recommended the same thing. You'll only make yourself look crazy if you try to show the narcs true colors
This is so interesting to me how family members try to destroy others even at a young age when there is absolutely nothing to be mad about. This happened to me too. I had to really stand my ground (when I was older) because no one would believe me, but I was adamant. I was like if you don't believe me then GET LOST. Of course it was very destructive, but so were the lies. The destruction just seemed the same difference to me. So I just threw a big monkey wrench into everything.
@@monbonica4362 Good for you!!! I had to do it with my only daughter as her behaviour was well out of normal range (identical to my narc ex-husband's abuse of me) and my red alert radar was constantly going berserk. I wasn't going through that from a 4th generation.... she'd been coaching her children in the narc agenda too. Peace reigns now they've been absent for nearly 5 years.
Sometimes it’s a sister. You have to learn to say ‘no’. Cut them off no matter how much it hurts you. It is not selfish, just sane. Lastly, believe that you can be happy even if you cut off family. It’s okay to cut off family.
Yes, it IS okay to cut off family!! If you wouldn't tolerate the behavior from a stranger, then it is *even*worse*, coming from those who are supposed to be your nearest and dearest. It sucks, but if you can do this, you are strong!! And you will build yourself a good life, without these people. Much love to you, girl. 🤗💖
I have only recently realized my red flags come later; if an interaction keeps popping up in my mind and I relive it endlessly (or even imagine different responses I could have had) I now regard that as my subconscious authentic self tugging at my sleeve! It has been my normal for so long to avoid conflict and thus never maintained healthy boundaries. Dr. Ramani, if I had to choose just one video of yours to learn from this is it. I have stopped beating myself up and now intend to focus on my purpose. Thank you.
Pay attention to how you feel when you meet someone. For me personally, I literally feel physically cold all of a sudden when I meet a person like that. I've learned the hard way not to ignore my first impression.
I have something similar, which feels more like cringe. It's like, "I know I should like you but I really don't like you and I don't know why I don't like you and I feel guilty about that...." Until I realize I was indeed detecting something.
Right!?!?!?!? I feel uncomfortable AF, socially awkward ( which is weird for me). I can almost hear, "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" Or like Spidey Senses.... My body feels something is not right, or someone is being fake. I need to listen to that feeling next time, cause it has a pretty good track record of being right about BS. I get the whole pit in my stomach, feel ill, cotton dry throat.... It's like a deer getting the first smell of a forest fire..... I have C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse when I was a preteen and teen by my stepdad..... So yeah....... Unfortunately narcissistic feels "like home" to me.... And when my blinders fall off..... 🤦♀️ 🤷♀️😥
I spent 28 years in a Narcissistic marriage - Dr. Ramani, it is as if you explain my life and bring new understanding with each video I watch! Thank you! One of the best things I did was when my ex discarded me, I packed up my clothing, my computer and my life and moved 900 miles away from him! I went to a place where I knew I could heal and find support and encouragement along the way. It was so good to have that distance between us and to leave everything else behind me. I started taking music and art apprenticeships, getting some counseling and meeting new people. So freeing to be in a place where I could rediscover me!
What I realized is that when you fall in love with Life in general and understand how short it is you wouldn’t have time to waste on toxic people. The purpose in life is Life. Isn’t it the most extraordinary thing? Do what you love, learn, travel, experience and find joy in everything around. Wake up early, meditate, eat healthy, watch sunsets. Detox from anything toxic (people, alcohol, bad tv.. etc). Clear mind. Awareness brings clarity🙏🏻
This is exactly what helps me staying away, going no contact: It is a waste of life time. Very true. Unfortunatly I only realized this after decades, when severe illness made me aware that time might be more limited than I ever thought. I somehow always believed that I have to live with whatever problems my narcissist mother caused me, because when you are brought up you are taught that you can't dump your family. Yes you can. The mother plus the rest of the bunch because otherwise she will use them as enablers and flying monkeys.
Yes, yes and yes!!! My inner self was telling me “this isn’t right” and I convinced myself I can “make my relationship work” and I refused to give up on her even though she was emotionally abusive.
Very true!! You leave a conversation with them and feel worse about yourself, or feel dread. In contrast healthy relationships leave you both feeling good about yourselves, like a happiness high.
Yes, this is so true! Sometimes I've thought I was crazy for wondering if something a guy said or something a guy did seemed off, but that second guessing can put us in danger. We have to remember that our intuition is there for a reason, to protect us.
@@ThisIsAnneleen tOTALLY AGRee.... I was strong and directional. it just means they hone their skills on the battlefield when dealing with a strong female, it ups their game if you're more of a challenge.
Absolutely yes. Narcissists are just like bullies. They scope out the people who they think will not resist them. But underneath the bravado, narcissists are just cowards.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and started noticing her behavior in people I've had to professionally work with. Thankfully, because I was the scapegoat and had to be independent from a young age, I'm very picky about who I interact with and who to befriend. This has helped me grayrock many narcs and keep genuine, supportive people in my life. (This is not to say I haven't fallen for a woe-is-me narc before, but after seeing too many patterns I've left such people quietly.)
"Gaslighting happens when we give too much credit to others and we give too little credit to ourselves." Story of my life. I am not sure what the problem of the 161 people who disliked this video is...
*start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path* This is gold. When I started to do this and live like me, away from my narcissist sister....my mother finally saw who I was. Who I actually was. I wasn't the non trustworthy mess my sister convinced her I was... I was a good, responsible, kind, hard working person. This is how my mother started to realise what had been going on since we were little girls...the penny dropped and she apologised profusely and is wise to a lot of my sisters ways. My father unfortunately still does not see it and will cause an argument if I try to bring it up, so I don't. He thinks I'm a mess. So he enables her and sadly my mother is still an enabler when they see my sister because said sister has young children now so my parents are desperate to see them as my sister doesn't come very often. She has them on emotional strings now because of the grandchildren. It's sad to think this will trickle down another generation but I am staying firmly out of it.
I hear you! I have a narcissistic sister and brother and after 40 years of abuse I’m going no contact for the 3rd time and the last! My mum and little sister too. We have all been enablers now it’s time to end it all. Soooo glad my mum can see it too. Watching theses videos has opened my mums eyes and mine also! My mum has also apologised that she didn’t see what was going on under her own nose as we were growing up. I don’t need an apology, just her listening and acknowledging that everything I have said is true is enough. I’m glad your mum can also see it but sad for you too, I feel for you x
Well done. Is the weaker party really the one who tends to diminish the other, perhaps? Myself, I've wondered much about protecting the best in me, my heart, so to speak, in spite of the always competing atmospehere. "You are only what you deliver in competition" feels diminishing, but then again I don't arrange the competitions. She does. Best of luck, and thanks for sharing!
@@Lou-gn6tc thanks for your kind words! 💜 Just knowing that others know what Im feeling , makes it easier. As does having a name for it! Best of luck in your narc-free life!
Wow. You just described my own elder sister and how she interacts with my elderly mother. My sister has twin grandboys that she uses as leverage to get my mother to think, say, and do what she wants. She's convinced my mother that I'm the "black sheep" in the family though I hold 4 degrees including a Ph.D., and I am an educator that is compassionate about people and sticking up for the underdog. My sister measures success on how much money one has and she has gone out of her way to ensure that she inherits everything. My response is to let her have it--it's not worth the energy to engage with her and I cut ties years ago. My relationships are more important to me and surrounding myself with people who cheer me on! And I cheer them on We don't put each other down, yet offer each other gentle constructive criticism when asked. Even calling Adult Protective Services for elderly abuse is not helpful because the social workers feel sorry for my sister for losing her husband to cancer and doing invitro and becoming a single mother of twins. It's not just emotional strings that my sister holds, but it's actually abuse and neglect that she continually exacts on people, but because it's emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse, it tends to get dismissed in comparison to much more serious situations. I put 5,000 miles between myself and my dysfunctional family years ago. Though some therapists say it's a metaphor, I found that if I'm close by, my sister finds a way to suck me into her narcissistic drama. She's not just a pessimistic and negative person--the glass isn't just half-empty for her--it's shattered in pieces on the floor. Boundaries are key for me though often times when you set them with an abusive, narcissistic person, they only get angrier. They continue to cycle out of control like a tornado and will pull in everyone along their path. At the least, they gossip, backstab, and misrepresent and try to undermine you in every way imaginable. It's hard, too, when you're programmed by your parents to be the way my sister is from a very early age. We each responded to childhood trauma in different ways. I was lucky enough to get the help I needed when I was young; whereas, my sister has refused any help and sees seeking such help as a weakness or that she's "crazy." This is how she refers to me--the crazy one. The grieving for such losses does get easier, but the pain never really quite goes away. I always live by a proverb that my first therapist gave to me when I was 18 (years ago) about The Little Sparrow. This sparrow didn't handle his stuff and prepare to fly south in time for the Winter so he started out late. As he flew south, his wings began to form ice and he grew tired. He spotted a barnyard below and decided to stop for a rest. While he was resting, a cow came by and took a poop on him. However, the poop warmed the little sparrow and melted the ice on his wings. He was so elated and happy that he began to chirp and sing, but he was still stuck in the poop. This piqued the curiosity of a farm cat who came over to investigate the noise. When the cat found the sparrow in the poop, he cleared the poop away and he promptly ate him up. Moral of the story: Not everyone who poops on you is necessarily your enemy. Not everyone who helps you out of the poop is necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of poop--keep your mouth shut.
I really had to think about what you wrote, the competition! It’s been a competition my whole life. My sister is so jealous and envious of me, not just me there’s others too. Because I’m capable of doing lots of things that women don’t normally do. So help my mum and others with lots of stuff around the home and garden. My narc sister from a young age has always told me” your too nice”. Now I really understand why this was said. Anything I do for others out of the goodness of my heart she has to say something. She has bullied and manipulated me my whole life also my mum and little sister. Her sons were also affected! In fact she’s lost friends also. She has no one except my narcissistic brother. The abuse will now stop! I’m so glad it hasn’t changed me as a person, I can’t help but be who I am and I will continue to shine with no one dulling my shine.
One tip is to always make sure to give yourself time before you give any definitive answers. A problem I would have is that I would agree to stuff simply because I felt awkward. But keep to a rule of saying ''I'll get back to you'' or ''I'll think about it''. If you don't know someone very well, allow yourself the time to process the encounter after the first meeting. Sometimes I am so charmed by someone initially but giving myself time helps me let that initial feeling wear off and then I can see right through their character. Observe and feel everything they made you feel so that you know where your boundaries really are with them.
Wow I’m definitely applying your words to my life! I too, am very charmed by the first encounter. So taking time to process the person and let the charm wear off is critical.
This is so helpful to me.Over 50% of my family are narcissists and the mom is the ring leader. After I found my meaning and joy for life, everything got so much better. I no longer focus on pleasing them (it's impossible to make them happy anyways since all they want to do is control). Now I plant and enjoy my flowers, travel, go to weekly bible studies and stay busy doing things I like to do. I can tell they are very jealous and envious that I no longer focus on them. I do y own thing and it's so much more peaceful being in my own thoughts. I said all this to thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos. I am a witness that everything you teach is true and pratical. I am better now because I took notes and really let everything process in my mind. You truly are a blessing to the world. God Bless You, Lisa !
Lisa. It's been pleasant hearing your testimony. I thank Jesus for protection over you now. And also, during that time of escape. Amen. I know he can help me and my 3 children. I know he is. Amen.
I’ve noticed that when you stand up for yourself, they call you difficult.
Yes!!! Or find another victim & bring up how much better things are going with them than it was with you.
And when you call them on their shitty behaviors, they call you a trouble maker. Love it.
my ex husbands mom talks to him like he's being difficult when he now stands up for himself so they make him feel wrong.
Exactly!!
Of course, because they're perfect and you're not! Lol, never ever argue with a narc. Just ignore them and they'll lose interest in you. Even if it's a family member. They aren't well.
When you meet someone new, say 'no' to something small, early on. The reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
@@murphymerryliz it's been really helpful to me. Sniffs out the control freaks immediately
Really good advice I should've used this in my last relationship that was so controlling. Lesson learned!
As in do you mean keep yourself a mystery and also make sure you ask about them when they say they like hearing you talk It could be thier getting info about you to use in the future aggainst you and if you ask about them and they ho wierd Be aware xx
@@bridgetmenham5103 I was thinking of something small, like if they suggest a movie suggest a different movie, or 'no, I would like the chicken not the fish''. When you get a snotty reaction to something little early on, it's a real red flag.
@@jennysedgley8284 well Ive gone on a second date tonight and he said he didn't like Christmas and I said I'm a Christmasey person all year and he was saying he liked my friend who fixes us up and I asked if hE fancies her and hE said yes . Blimey IS that a red flag???,, xx
There is this German saying that it's better to have an ending with horror than a horror without any end.
Dieser Spruch ist echt so nützlich. Den halte ich mir immer vor Augen, wenn die Situation eintritt.
yes, yes, yes
Love it
👏
thats what i say n m not german lol
Summary
1 - own your reality
2 - don’t fall for charisma
3 - a smart and educated person is not necessarily kind
4 - don’t get snowed by rich, famous and smart
5 - watch how they treat who they think are below them
6 - learn their tells
7 - become OK with setting boundaries
8 - dump the enablers
9 - stop giving second chances
10 - surround yourself with good people and build a healthy support system
11 - become OK with talking the unpopular route
12. Have meaning and purpose in your life
I can’t wait to dump, have NOO contact… with the Enablers. Who have helped destroy my marriage! It will be happening, in a few months! 🎉
Soo Sadly this Married Couple, are living in a poor marriage Themselves… ! She spilt the beans 😢!
They were Soo excited to see How mentally unstable. My Narc is.. And they took total advantage!🎉
(Raechel Mason here) Thank you for this. It took me WAY too long to realize some of these things. It was hard for me because I had a narcissistic mother AND a narcissistic little sister. I finally cut off my sister entirely. And I finally said, "No!" to my mom! I have to live with her because she is in her 80's and has dementia. There's no way we could afford care for her. My sister doesn't help at all. I would never ask for it, though...to protect myself. I would rather not give her that power. And, OH, does that pi$$ her off. It's really hard because I do like her. She shares the same sense of humor, many life experiences, but it is truly not worth the effort to be walking on eggshells ALL the TIME. That would be my advice. You said basically the same thing. I just thought I'd put that version out there. You should not have to feel like you have to walk on eggshells for ANYone. Even family. It is absolutely not worth it.
I may isolate myself too much. I am not sure. I know I just got to a point where I absolutely will not take rude, judgemental, uncomfortable people any more than is absolutely necessary. I am a people pleaser and I suppose my sister thought of me as a "golden child" as I am good at the things I chose to do....acting and riding horses professionally. I admit that was a hard act to follow. I got no special treatment, though. I did it all on my own. But boy, did my sister try to pull me down at every opportunity. Always judging 🙄. She did get more abuse from my mom but that was because she was seeking her attention constantly where I put distance between myself and their treatment.
My mom finally, FINALLY has been treating me better and accepting that I have to tell her "no". She does NOT accept that she is not fit to do many things. Especially because she will drive and go buy vodka. OMG a drunk 80 year old narcissist? You talk about difficult!. It is a nightmare. I cut off all fears of putting my foot down and things are better. But like I said, it took me way too long, so I have a long way to work myself back to who I really am, being trapped and aĺl. I've never felt much guilt for my sister because she just asked for my mom's abise. Truly. She stuck around home and just clashed with my mom while I stayed outside..away...any way I could...literally climbing trees, lol. hiking, riding, in plays....anything to keep away from the "trouble" I was always in for petty reasons with the both of them. I tried my heart out to get along with them...and the world....and never gave myself enough credit. Finally, the ties are cut. I own me. I know I am a good person. Sure, I have faults, but I treat people with respect Always have, and always will. But I will be d@mned if I am going to hang around with people that constantly judge me. No more walking on eggshells for me! No way!
My two cents.
Your advice has been so helpful to both me snd my husband.
I just cannot believe tbere are so many narcissists out there!
No more eggshells for me!
@@mystrength5640 Good luck💪🍀🙏
@Happy Day 'We feel sorry for her' , travelling eight hours to fix something she could've perfectly lived without and then subtly judging me for not doing it whilst living closer. 'Then WE have to do it (sigh).' She has a support system very close to home and I understand that she'd rather ask family, but the family should be allowed to say 'no'. I've wished the other family members strength in setting boundaries. Haven't seen any sign of those yet.
Be okay with being alone. You don’t need their money, their attention, their support or their positive regard in order to feel good and live a great life. Freedom never loses its sweetness.
very well said
Sally Jenko AMEN! ❤️
I like, “You don’t need their money”.
very well said
very true, I need nothing from evils
"Charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone wears when they don't take a shower." That's one of the greatest things I have ever heard.
I totally agree! 👍
Absolutely. Brilliant saying, I wrote it down to remember. Couldn't be more accurate.
Huh I don’t get it can someone please explain this to me thanks so much x
Not in all cases. I know some very charismatic people who are most definitely not narcs. My son was one.
@@yobrojoost9497 Thank you for the exception to the rule response.
They get really angry when they can't control you.
I love that! I love seeing them suffer. Mine has good & bad buttons. On & Off. Nice & Mean. If they're nice, next moment coming will be nasty, rude. They love the control of your moods. What, who will they attack when you disappear????
@@sunnyday6408 they will always have a victim I cut off ( finally) all communication with my mother 3 years ago when I was 60... now it’s my niece who’s subjected to it☹️
And when they can't control you anymore, they will control how others perceive you and will talk bs about you, to make then look like a victim and transform you (the real victim) into a somekind of "abuser".
@@alexandradumitru4281 many in my own family have done this, used me as a scape goat. When I stood up for myself they made up all sorts of stories about me and put me down. I dont asshole with any of them.
@@liljerseygirl249 my father did this! After the funeral of my son (who was 3 months old when he passed) he made everything about him, started to act in front of everyone about how much pain he feels, but in reality he was just mentally abusing me, my husband and my mother. We left! And I never ever want to see that man again in my life, for he has done so much harm and caused so much pain to me and my mother, I will never be able to forgive and forget!
Being a narcissistic magnet most of my life, I’ve become a super sensitive bullshit detector! I will not tolerate excuses, ghosting, deflecting, etc.. I will cut someone off IMMEDIATELY & not look back! It’s not worth it & NO ONE is good looking enough or charming enough to make me loosen my boundaries when it comes to a relationship! This is my life we’re talking about & I take that very seriously! We’re only here for a short time, don’t let anyone make your time miserable, you deserve better!! Peace and love!
It is going to be worst in nowadays world. The amount of narcissists is growing specially thanks to the Internet etc! My daughter is the narcissist and she is killing me truly. Her kids, my grandchildren will suffer too. They are estranged to me ( my daughter made 100% sure that I have no access and liberty with them! ) I am helpless and now I am focusing on to forget about them for good. It is very sad indeed.
Never ignore that gut feeling, that red flag! It’s there for a reason 💜
There's an initial void empty feeling, then they charm to build up, and we feel good. Then pop! Little put down, used to make the old me want them to see my worth and jump hoops for their approval. Long gone are those days, I hope by God's grace 🙏🏻
Was just saying this on another Chanal it's there for our safety!
I wish I would have listened to my gut but I pushed those feelings aside.
#1
@@FaithfulandTrue777 So true - I have to laugh! (mostly about myself giving second chances over and over again )... "we feel good. Then pop! Little put down"
My addition: *Don't* try to see it from their point of view! It's only a good practice for healthy relationships but NOT with a narcissist.
Crucial
I call it: "Watch out! If they put themsleves in your shoes, you're never getting those shoes back."
I have been burned so much by trying to put myself in their shoes, even going to therapy to understand my limitations, only to have it thrown in my face as an admission of guilt (with no attempt to put themselves in my shoes) for a decade. Now, grey rock it is!
Yep. This is how I got manipulated most of the time. Seeing and understanding her point of view (as I usually try to do with many people) is dangerous and can lead to lowering your boundaries without noticing it.
This is a big one. Thank you! It’s what I try to do every time yet most every romantic relationship I’ve been in are narcissists & 1 sociopath. (Parents are narcissistic & mom’s mother full narcissist ((or more)) & my sister is a psychopath.) I didn’t get this till going through therapy from my sociopath husband (now ex-husband) I’ve been surrounded by it my entire life. It’s comfortably uncomfortable for me. THIS is the tip I needed though. I’ve NO narcissist/ic friends (nor ever have) yet almost every close romantic relationship has been with a narcissist (or worse.) I’m trying to break the cycle & I think this might be the missing piece. This & Dr. Ramani’s ‘no charm’ advice. For some reason I look for VERY different people for friends v lovers...yet all I’ve ever wanted is my lover to be my best friend. Lots of work to do still. But seriously this tip of yours is key for me 💛🙏
Totally agree!
My Daddy always told me "believe someone when they show you who they are...the FIRST time" advice I wish I had understood much earlier in my life.
really good advice.
Yes! This is so true! I ignored red flags that could have alerted me to move on.
That quote is from Dr. Maya Anjelou (sp?) Your Dad was a smart man to latch onto that. I too wish I had incorporated that into my life far earlier.
The best and smartest advice, ever told!
How true is that!! And I too saw it quite early. Just didn’t pay attention.
A friend told me yesterday: ‘freedom begins where expectations end’ . I found it incredibly powerful to deal with narcissist, expect nothing good and you will be free of their poison
I love this statement.
The thing is even if we have zero expectations on them, they have 1000% on us
@etmira krkuti did you get separated with that narcassistic Husband and got healing after that or got the healing lessons without being separated?
@etmira krkuti so your husband was not a narcassistic then, coz how would he get chanhed and went for therapy?
@@sangeetha279 💯
I remember being told to by a narc to “go with the flow”
Then heard a wise saying that said “Dead fish go with the flow...”
Wow!
That put a lot of things in perspective!
@Weare Thecollective 😆😆😂
was told the exact words
Oh that's brilliant!
My soon -to-be ex-husband narcissist, ALWAYS told me that I needed to" fall in line", and just let him love me🙄...what a crock of💩!
2:30 “The reason gaslighting works is because we give the other person too much credit, and we don’t give ourselves enough.” Genius!!!
Riled.... yes in fact one very good thing that a narcissist in your life does is wake you up to what needs to be corrected in your life... putting some one else before your self is simply not wise... mabey in heaven but certainly not on this Earth
Yes, yes very true
Yesss
I'm still in the middle of getting divorced from my narcicistic husband and I never saw it coming until our first child. This is what happened to me
th-cam.com/video/Yes6IAaa4I4/w-d-xo.html
With gaslighting you just say, straight away, with laughter, 'You're just saying that to get out of it yourself!'
Or if it's the more insidious Dry, measured, pre-meditated, gaslighting, say 'You're going away to give it consideration' . Last thing they want. Then you can come back in your own time and tell them you think their explanation is rubbish.
After all 'gaslighting' is weak and deranged.
Yes... but it is also possible to be wrong or have a nuanced conflict. I’m sure somebody Toxic is watching this video and thinks they are an empath. Not to say they’re experiencing abuse too, but not every relationship is black and white
Beware of people's RUDENESS and SARCASM--those are BIG WARNING SIGNS--narcissistic people will start by doing small rude things like not saying thank you or making snide comments and then acting like it's no big deal.
I have TWO if not more, people like that in my life! I work with one of em and the other is a longtime "friend". It's all i can do, most of the time, not to tell em to f*** themselves and storm out.
So so true!
Good said!
You just described several family members of mine 😯 my therapist from years ago said i was the peacekeeper in the family.. and now as an adult, if i want to get along with my family members i have to excuse their rude and mean behaviour.. and further, I understand i will never get an apology from them.. & that REALLY hurts, some of the things one of them has done to me was unforgivable.. but if i waited around for a heartfelt apology i would never have a relationship with my family because those apologies will never & have never come.. so I swallow my pride, I forgive them so there is peace.. unhealthy? Yea.. but i accept it and have my faith in God and small circle of true blue friends.. so it is what it is.. but when it's family there's not much you can do..
Ellen Don’t accept cruel nasty behavior ffrom them just to keep the peace . You can think of this as being cruel to yourself.
Don’t react emotionally to something they do to draw you into a drama. Be very neutral. They love to yank your chain just to see you freak.
Don’t carry people’s shame for them, trying to reduce people’s suffering isn’t your responsibility.
Leave your cape at home, you don’t have to always save people from their difficult emotions.
Don’t be fooled by flattery and recognise a user when you see one..
Do you want to adopt me, so you can re-train me out of the childhood damage? I love your advice. Thank you. xx
Very well said!
Yes
Oooh that's a good one about not trying to reduce people's suffering.
Thank you for this.😍
REMEMBER: No reaction to an energy vampire is a reaction...its an insult to their ego.
Sounds awful
Narcissists are like dishonest beggars. They ignore you the moment you say you don't have any cash. However, unlike with narcissists, I have met honest beggars.
So true.. not just our time and energy but they want us to react perfectly as well
This is fantastic!
Yep
When I get gaslighted I take the conversation right back to the original question over and over. The narc gets tired of not being able to change the subject. Works great to repel them.
Ha, ha, ha! I love it.
That's it, wear them out! ;)
And they will say that YOU are the one going in circles when all you’re doing is standing your ground with the original question. 🤣😅
@@michellegaylord6142 I've tried to take the conversation back and confuse the conversation like he does. Yes for a minute he will feel depleted but only for a minute. Its enough to get them to refuel and come back at you with full force. Mine will bring out things I did many years ago and even make up stories. In the end, it gets exhausting for you. Because you are not made like them. Your goal is to find a solution to the issue at hand. Their goal is to word salad, gaslight you and leave you confused. This is how they protect their fragile ego and will do anything to protect it. Even they can become aggressive. Its exhausting it will put demand on your nervous and immune systems. It will cause you chronic illnesses get out and don't look back. Its taken me 3 years and a few health issues. Now this is it! Protect your life and go no contact. Don't wait to be reeled out on a stretcher and I know some people doubt that their narcs are not capable of harming them but they are. They are the same. It gets worse and damages your health
Have tried it with pretty good result. It just shut them down and makes them pay attention when the narc tries to muddle the water.
When I stand up for myself he says I’m “attacking him” which is why he calls me names. I’m on my way out of this relationship!
Wish you luck! Stay strong!
Jace you can do this. Run for your life. It all gets easier with time. The recovery is so sweet.
Hurry honey
Plse get out ENTIRELY! Time is of the essence.
Be careful Don't tell just run
" 'No' is a complete sentence." Brilliant.
Each time I’m watching her videos, I’m thinking how lucky we are to get all of this information for free! Thank you!
BIG TIME
yesssssss
Yes I feel so blessed since I’m sick on disability, so it’s helpful to have the Dr guide us! I am isolated and think sick or not I need to at least find healthy people. I don’t have family and only a daughter 24 in college. She is so stressed If we fight, so I am following the Drs advice on not engaging in it as much as possible. Very difficult to live with someone like this and my best to everyone here.
Same!
Yes, this so true
Never let a narcissist see you get emotionally charged, stay firm, calm and assertive
*Practice and you'll get better at doing so
Before u realise youre dealing with narcasissm you've already lost your cool. But after you know how to handle yourself and the situation xo
This is one of the most effective tips when it comes to creating a protective shield against the narc
Never let a narcissist see you. Leave the relationship
Stefflo2😀😀😀😀😃😃😃😂😊😄🍄😆😉😆😆😆n
@@india1422 I feel it is profusely more complicated, if there is anxiety, depression, grief, any other health or mental conditions, family commitments etc. to leave a relationship than just taking the suggestion to leave. The practicalities may anchor some people to stay. Even though there is the just leave truth or awareness too.
Make sure you never allow someone to make you question your own reality. That’s big!!
Stay away from ppl who are always shutting down your view points and rarely, if ever, allowing you to voice your own opinions, especially if they don’t allow them to carry any weight OR they don’t give you any credit for it.
Elmire Kidd, or automatically take the opposite view.
A synopsis:
1.Own your truth; own your reality
The first time, the FIRST time your reality is questioned by someone, step back pay attention and seriously consider cutting bait
2. Stop falling for charisma and charm
3. Just being smart or educated is not a virtue. Being smart is just a trick. It means you know stuff. Far more important is being kind. Being smart is not a virtue.
4.Keep your guard up and get to know someone before giving them the benefit of the doubt. Halos can be drawn around people who are toxic just because they are famous or fancy. Pay attention to their words or actions.
5. Watch how they treat other people.
6. Learn the narcissists tells. Watch how they behave under conditions of frustration or disappointment.
7. Become okay with setting boundaries. "No" is a complete sentence. Entitled people are more than willing to take their half out of the middle. Set those boundaries, hold those boundaries. Is the narcissist going to get mad? You better believe it. Learn to tolerate their discomfort instead of succumbing by constantly being the one who compromises for them.
8. Dump the enablers. The narcissists are only part of your problem, the enablers are the rest of the issue.
9. Stop giving second chances. Second chances are what give narcissists their power. Be on watch. Second chances turn into ten-thousandth chances.
10. Surround yourself with good people. They (narcissists) are like invasive weeds that choke out the good stuff in your garden. They get jealous when you give it to others (your time).
11. Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path.
12. One of the most ultimate narcissist repellants is to have meaning in your life.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your wisdom. You are helping so many people.
Love your recap of what Dr. Ramani said! This was one of my favorite videos she has done. It is so easy for me to forget.
Trust your instincts. If something seems off with actions or words, then it probably is.
If they tell you how they have treated people on the past, that is most likely how they will treat you.
Watch for patterns in their actions.
Thank you for this recap!
Thank you for the summary
I appreciate this synopsis. Thank-you. Might be helpful to copy it actually for my healthy healing maintenance "bulletin board".
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time- Maya Angelou. Don't give them additional opportunities to gaslight and abuse you.
I am close to one listening to this advise and seeing the truth thanks
Exactly.
That is true however when we are in the throws of love/attraction and are committed we gloss over alarming behavior and blame it on outside forces. I certainly did until it was too late. Believe what they show you the first time.
First time it's their fault, second time it's yours. But, I personally, have often forgiven too quick, particularly with my own family. You don't practically have other options. Even they are a more practical help than the alternative, in the short term.
If someone breaks a stated boundary, showing disregard for your safety and comfort - slowly back away...far away.
thank you for this! one of the early warning signs I dismissed was when my 'narc' put his own wants for my time and attention above my physical safety. Even though he knew that meeting his request would put me in danger, he still pressured me, and sadly I gave in. feeling pressured to do what doesn't feel aligned for me, and isn't good for me, is a warning sign I intend to heed in the future.
Very good advice..i am having that horroble relationship.
I unfortunately learnt that too late. The person kept overstepping the boundary and I kept forgiving them. Which only made them continue.
Absolutely Agree. You nailed it. Safety for your health, even under a doctor's order means Nothing to them.
@@alishananu7086 I pray God bless and protect you Alisha.♥️
It can be lonely when you seem to be the only one who sees them for who they really are. Ain't that the Truth? That's where I have been for awhile, just now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The more I watch this channel the more I like it.
This is where I have been for years. Plus I have depression and anxiety disorder. Don't know where to turn.
Maya Angelou's "when people Show you who they are the first time, Believe them" really helped me So much over the years .
For me it’s practicing Radical Self-Respect! Owning everything about ourselves, and never being afraid to walk away when we are being disrespected!
radical self-respect, I love that term!
LauraM Hell yea! Thank you, I wrote an ebook called Radical Self-Respect, you would probably like it!
I began the walking away bit ... literally about 4 years ago. Prior to that I thought it would be too rude. Sod social nicities. I now make no excuse, no apology, no comment.... I just leave without saying a word, no guilt either. If it smells bad go to where the air is fresher...and I do!! lol
Lesley EL ALAMI yes we must walk away sometimes! It’s the only way to protect ourselves sometimes and it’s the only thing that gains some people’s respect
Si Bi I’m so glad you were helped by it! That’s my goal
Gossiping is their way and agenda is their game. They study the room with crossed legs and want to control the room and the situations around them. Their fits are like a child.
I dissagree with the crossed legs, there isnt body language, crossed legs and crossed hands means that I am ready to be defansive: I m ready to hear and judge, that doesnt means anything, sometimes you want a coherent story of your experiences and the experience of others, you dont need to be completly open-gaslight yourself by accepting the realities of others and denying youself. Narcissists are defensive, but defensive people arre not narcissists, this is a one way road --->. Opinion, ofc if you dissagree we need proves
I am saying that because people need to be defensive when they face threats. If they want to stop being victims. Τhat's why I am a little confident that the gaslight concept needs more structure, you deny the reality of the other person, when this person has proved her/his side. (Sry for my English)
Narc is very clever with the gossip... lots of emotional pulling with faces, sighs, hand gestures, mocking... they set the general tone, fly in some general comments before the gaslighting gets heavy handed. It's not only me who is gaslighted. I'm trying to keep things grounded by simply asking ..'Who? When?..'Is that your opinion or their opinion? Be more specific, because I don't understand where you are coming from'... So far this is my defense against gaslighting. Narc can't handle being specific because it unravels the lies... Defending myself to the enablers only gave them more ammunition.
Amen 🙏
Absolutely agree with the gossip routine, it goes right along with the smear campaign routine. Often the narcissist takes the gossip and isolates chosen people to share it with, then the next gossip session isolates different people, and on some cases the two (or more) different groups get together and reinforce the gossip by filling in each other's blanks the others don't have because the narcissist set it up this way, all to appear to be the one with the special twisted and fabricated knowledge of everyone else. This is how a narcissist I know keeps her group of flying monkeys interested in her on the homeowner association I live in.
55 Years married. 10 years journaling. Trying to figure out how to communicate in a way that would not set him off. Then, I saw your videos and learned a narcissist can be the most wonderful member of the family. Always kind, listening and doing things for others and yet, I could be a victim of total disregard of my feelings, my needs, my desires and not because of what I did or did not say or do.
And people wonder why we left such wonderful men….
So sad Carolyn. I can relate to trying to communicate the ‘right’ way.
One of Dr Ramani’s videos I listened to before this says they don’t know how to answer ‘why’ questions. THAT was mind blowing!! So true as I reflect.
Also she says, we learn so we can protect ourselves, NOT so we can change them.
2 simple points that are so powerful.
Thats the crazy part right? The everybodys darling, considerate with everyone, more empathic with a acquaintance or eaven a stranger .. but totall lack of empathy and connection with the partner. So everyone thinks you are the nut. I realized the most unsettling thing for the narc is mentioning his actions in public. He gets totally out of balance. Really challenging having to deal with a Narc, especially when you have to co parent.
Hi have been dealing with the same situation trying how to communicate in ways that would not set off another fight. Tried every possible way but nothing works. And as u rightly said they are the most wonderful people on earth who are so full of love , compassion, care etc etc for everyone except their partner for whom ideally they should do it the most. I was puzzled thinking about this but when i started watching these videos and reading messages like yours i understand that i am not alone . Thanks a lot
@@lzu2860 And women.
What I have found the hardest thing to deal with is, everyone thinks that these people are such nice people, and
Your considered that bad one.
Rem: narc are very manipulative. Who cares what they think. Move on.
I’m struggling with this so hard because all of our mutual friends are charmed by them still and I have them figured out. I feel so alone
@@carolinehaw6015 It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile is. Start making new friends away from your current contacts. You may have to give up some of your current friends as they are deceived by this narc. I have found that each person needs to see a narc for what they are and not someone telling them. Narc are very manipulative and people just can't believe they are something else. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for the words and for the support. This won’t be easy but people like you and this community have helped so so much!
yes that;"s what I'm afraid of also. My family love him. friends love him. H e can say sorry at times...
Learn to tolerate THEIR discomfort instead of being the one who constantly compromises for them. WOW that is so true, the sting of the peacekeeper!
It's f up since for empath, it' in my nature to do that. But then I met a few narcissit and learned the hard way.
I saw a t-shirt that said, "Not here to please you" and immediately put that in my set of go-to phrases that I say to myself (not out loud) when dealing with my covert narcissist mother. A few others are, "The less I say, the safer I am" and "Don't give away your thoughts/opinions here for free; save them for people who value them."
@@eurokay4755 So true, thank you for sharing
@@Angell_Lee Absolutely! It's also necessary and difficult to become accustomed to simply sitting quietly with their dissatisfaction, confusion, and discomfort, which they will frantically try to pin on you, expressly or impliedly. Casual indifference to my mother's escalating frustration is so hard, but extremely efdective.
I came up with a list of philosophies for myself that I printed out and hung on my refrigerator.
1. The people I allow into my life will be positive, non judgmental, will seek happiness in their lives, won’t lie to me, and will respect my boundaries.
2. My home will be my sanctuary.
3. I will always keep the ones I love safe.
4. My work must make me feel good at the end of the day.
5. My self esteem is important and I will take care of it daily.
6. I will extend myself the same courtesies I give to other people.
7. I will not hold myself back because of other people's Rules.
8. Other people are responsible for their own happiness, I'm not there to fix it for them.
9. I will say what I'm thinking instead of what I think others want me to say.
10. I will stop people pleasing.
Luv this list!! Thank u for sharing. 💘
🌻😍🌻
Thanks for this list. I screen shot it 😊
Great rules! Thank you for sharing them!
10. Only please those that are genuine and truly love you. Doing for others that can bring pleasing back to you through efforts of actions and encouraging words.
Here are a couple of additional ways to resist: Don't take anything personally - this isn't about you (from don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements) - I have found that when someone starts raging, that keeping my responses minimal and neutral deprives the fire of oxygen. Another thing: stop accepting "gifts" from them, because they see everything as a transaction and the last thing you want is to set up a quid pro quo with a narcissist.
Interesting. Recentlt met a new friend. Early on she kept trying to give me things. Wanted to drop off food at my house. A calendar. A belated birthday gift and I hardly knew her. She had odd behavior and raged early on. I stopped interaction with her. Searched for information on love bombing in same sex friendships, but couldn't find much. I thought, "it's like she's love bombing me," so your comments helps make sense of quid pro quo. She would use it later to say I gave you this, and I gave you that, etc to try and make you feel badly and gain some sort of leverage?
Yep especially the gifting thing. They use that as leverage to manipulate you later down the road once you stop giving them what they want. I ended up giving back birthday presents they had given me and never asking them for anything so they can't hold it over my head to make me feel obligated or guilty anymore.
@@dianemuldoon2974the lovemombing with gifts are transactional. They regurgitate it when they're told NO, cant get their way in something, holding them accountable and leaving them. The gifts are manipulative way to keep you serving them and controlling you. You are right, friends do it as well and they idealize you for their own purpose of helping them achieve an image, job, influence, your money, etc.
oh i've read the 4 agreements it's SO GOOD!
so on point about the transactions my narcissistic brother sends my 6 year old presents yet does not call her to have a relationship
Just notes --
1.Detect gaslighting
2.Don't' get attached to charismatic ,seductive people.
Sometimes all that glitters is not gold.
3.Education is not directly proportional to good virtues .( same like charismatic or successful)
4.Same like 3 ( insert wealth in lieu of education)
5.Watch how they treat people
6. Dont accept their false excuses
7.Set healthy boundaries.Learn to say NO
8.DUMP the narcissist enablers .
9.Stop giving second chances by gaslighting urself
10.Surround urself with good empathetic people.
Find ur passion ,work for it
This is your life ..your choice and all your happiness is in your hands
Don't give that power to anyone else
BONUS:sometimes in this journey u might be left out and alone ...but dont worry ..those who fly alone have the strongest wings .
Also : dont self destruct ..Face and fight ..be it therapies ,books
Educate urself ,help urself .
Stay strong ,Stay healthy ..
Be patient ..we will definitely make it to the other side💪✌✌✌✌
Thanks Dear for putting these together. This really helps 👍🏼💞🍫
Very nice summation Mahima! Thank you!
Amen
Very nice, thank you. Your point number 2 is very important
As humans we fall for such people
Thanks for doing this I’ve just screen shot it for keeps ❤️
I have learned that most of the misery in my life came out of my inability to set boundaries. Empaths have a difficult time finding strength to set boundaries. It takes much healing to get to the place where you can set boundaries.
you are just one of many
I try to set them and get railroaded. I'm still learning
ignore them and go about your day. They like to make everyone else look and feel bad meanwhile theyre the weakest one in the room.
Okay I ignore them, but how does one get rid of the rage they feel?
you cant ignore them when you live with them lol
This is a word!
When they are co-workers or boss, hard to ignore their antics. Usually they are pretty tough and ready to fight until the bitter end.
Girl you can’t get rid of it! They’re not changing! You have to just not engage with them.
I feel like several really crucial things were left out of this list. Among them are:
6. Pace yourself when forming new relationships
5. Be your own source of validation
4. Familiarize yourself with the narcissistic cycle of manipulation (love bombing/idealization, devaluation, discard, hoovering, repeat) and behavior patterns (gaslighting, blameshifting, projection, triangulation, word salad)
3. Know exactly what your standard is for how you wish to be treated; anyone that doesn't meet that standard or responds inappropriately when you articulate your boundaries is filtered out
2. When you see signs of contempt, RUN
1. Identify AND HEAL your attachment style; insecurely attached people are infinitely more likely to attract narcissists
Another one: pay attention to what your body says. It's incredible how clear mine talked. I'd fall literally ill every fifteen days, which bothered him a lot, of course. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
After attending many sessions of body psychotherapy I now honour what my body is feeling, short circuiting the rationalisation that I've been conditioned in my family to practice.
The body plays a huge role in warning us about people who are causing us harm! Thank you for this reminder.
I’d start not sleeping well, getting a knot in my stomach, GI issues, irritability, nagging my kids to death about their rooms and homework, and anxious about groceries and housework, the entire week before the N’s visits. Then a week of recover time afterward!
@Suzanne Smith Sounds very, very familiar (especially the GI issues). Sorry your body had to go through that for the sake of another person :(
Same here. Doctors at a loss, bloodwork perfect, and yet my body hurt all over. My head felt like it was full of cotton balls.
I’m guilty of going with the flow. I’m
now 19 years in and miserable, mentally and physically exhausted. They just continue to take no matter how easy you try to make their lives. It’s NEVER enough.
Hi Louise, hang in there, you are on the right path.
Louise Kiel I understand what your going thru. I’m 33 years in
7 billion people on the planet, a lot of narcs to serve, don't be last in this queue!!... make sure you're top of your own list. Attend to YOUR agenda first, you can't fill up a bucket that has a hole in it. Learn to be what other people call selfish and realise it's not selfishness.... it's self interested. Sometimes if you're not interested no-one else is. Self first and when you get to overflowing then they can have the spill over.
it's been 27 years for me. O_o
Ditto! I hear ya! It’s been over 21yrs here and now I’m having very serious health issues but as soon as I’m well enough, I’m out. My hope is that you can break free, flourish and find out what you’re really meant for. I’m rooting for you and everyone else who has to or has been enduring these types of people.
Suggestion for finding meaning and purpose: start by building simple daily routines. These may blossom into passions.
Amazing how this basic thing is so hard, and SO HELPFUL!!
@Hydē Brown I know, right? It took me nearly 40 years to get back to the basics and it has changed my entire life for the better.
Excellent.
So true! I'm preparing to leave a narcisstic relationship and it's amazing how their demands erode away your "me time". I'm excited to focus on myself!
@PurplePinkRed Awesome and totally agree about the erosion of me time! Build a fortress around your personal activities and goals and all the best with your transition to the next chapter.
OMG 😢 I’m crying while watching this. I didn’t even realize I was in this kind of a relationship until now. Thank you so much for this video. It is really so unhealthy. I feel so lonely and not myself.
Same here!😢
I’m right there with you sis 🤞
Hope you can find the strength and knowlege to repel any narcissistic relationships!
You’re lucky you found her channel now. I needed it 13 years ago and suffered way too long. Just having awareness will get you through. Be patient with your healing process, you’re doing great🥰
Be strong dear.
Trust God.There are many people who are out of it and living peacefully.
Another one: Be completely financially independent of them if you can, and don't allow them access to your finances.. Dependent=control to them unfortunately.
Good advice, you cannot depend on them in anything and certainly not in your livelihood; so much future faking and opportunism. They simply do not value other people, nor their basic rights and needs, they would leave you penniless if they could and not feel bad about it.
Mrs Traore Yes that is where it will lead after control - fraud, embezzlement and direct theft, eventually- if you don’t set those boundaries.
Very good advice!!!!
That was my narcissistic mom's strategy : she refused to take her name off the joint bank account that was meant to be mine (she opened it when I was 8, so a cosigner was mandatory at that point), so I made her blow up with rage when I sneaked around and emptied it to open my own. At this time, my older brother still hadn't done so and was so deeply entrenched in the harmful control my mom had over him, that he actually attempted suicide when she found out he had spent a major portion of his savings in only a month. She demanded he earned all the money back within a month, which was impossible with his minimum wage job. I encouraged him to do the same thing as me. He did, thankfully.
Going along with this advice, don’t let them handle any business for you. My mother was my insurance rep for a while. When I started realizing she was a problem (before I knew what NPD was ) I went with another company. She did NOT like that. Her bad reaction told me I’d made the right choice.
"Being smart is not a virtue...kindness and compassion are virtues" Thank God for professionals such as you. This is not only useful to avoid narcs, this is validation for us empaths. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
Initially they are kind and compassionate and then they change
I will keep reminding myself this about virtues...a lot of narcissistic personalities try to convince you how smart and superior they are
Yes, that comment was brilliant, the same goes to successful people.
@@maryellwood3653 oh are you ever so right, they will give unsolicited advice about everything. And try to get you to believe that they are the smartest and no the most of the situation. Even if they don't they try to convince you with something they even made up. Be careful in believing everything they say, they want you to think how smart they are so that you come to them and ask advice about everything. I learned the hard way but not anymore.
‘Don’t get snowed just because someone is rich or successful’
"A wise man conceals his learning."
"Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."
"A wise old owl sat on an oak; the more it saw, the less it spoke; the less it spoke, the more it heard; why don't we imitate that wise old bird?"
Thank you, Linda🌹
I just... love this 'poem'******
Thank you for sharing that & Best wishes to you***💜***🙏
@@annaann2910
You're very welcome. Learned that from my first grade teacher.
@@lindamaddox828 😚~💜~🌹~
I love love love this!!!
Thanks so much for this key to wisdom. I will definitely make every effort to make this a way of life for me.
💜 MAY WE ALL DROP A THANK YOU HEART TO DR. RAMANI ? to say thank you for enabling us to have such valuable life skills advice for free to some of us who couldn't afford life coaching etc. And we usually are the ones who need it the most !
❤
My mother told me when I was a young boy, "pay attention to people, sooner or later they will show you their true colors and intentions".
Time will always tell
I think it's also helpful to realize that everything the narcissist says about you is probably true about themselves instead. This is their projection. So keep that separation in mind - - that what they say is true about themselves--and not true about you.
When there's one finger pointing at you, three fingers are pointing to themselves!
We can call it "QTIP" = "Quit Taking It Personally" - they never take responsibility for their own 'stuff', they just set out to maneuver more expertly to avoid having to do so, and to expertly get their needs met at others' expense!
I so agree with you. I have a narc mom and a narc ex fiance, I guess people like us are a narc magnets. I chose freedom over my ex and I'm choosing and choosing myself over my narc mom now. I love her but I need to keep my peace and sanity too.
@@jeem8760 i have a narc mom. it is bad news. no love ever. stay awayand find a new family. you willprobably become the scapegoat. do not take it personally (even though you are being attacked), it is about them and their inabilty to be humane. Just stay away. They will never change, they dont want to, they are predators. you are their prey. and yes, a sensitive, thoughful, openminded person is a magnet for their abuse.
Wow! Thank you!!
Be alarmed when someone never gets "sorry" over their lips.
Or "I'm sorry, but...(insert why it's someone else's fault)"
Yes!
I don't trust anyone who never says 'Oh I'm not sure about that'. To me that is an indicator there is no room for growth. No one knows everything, so there is bound to be at least one thing they could say I'm not sure about that, I've never come across that.... but they don't want to show ANY vulnerability. Know it alls. LOL
@@lesleyelalami2562 great point!
My dad
I’ve grown up with narcissistic siblings…and I ended up becoming a people pleaser just to buffer their negativity…your channel has really opened my eyes to the mental abuse I’ve grown up with and the mockery and belittling I still experience today…I didn’t realize their words taught me to self sabotage my own goals in life…I love your points about surrounding yourself with people who actually care about myself and about not sharing my goals or successes in life with my narcissistic family members…cause they’re really not happy for me. 😳
I've born into a Narcissistic family of huge number of people. I truly believe i'm the only non-narc in the whole family on my mother's side. They've done a lot of damage in me that i still suffer from. Recently i found out that the only person i ever trusted was my childhood friend of 50 years that i really admired is a COVERT Narcissist. Looking back i had a million signs under my nose but i chose to ignore it. It is so normal for me to deal with narcs all my life that i didn't even notice anything different. I am also a people pleaser, i gave everyone a billion chance to abuse me again and again. I understand your situation, i feel for you. I hope you'll heal your soul soon and find true happiness with normal folks. Wish you the best! 😘
Once you learn the tools to deal with them and start using them, it changes EVERYTHING! I grew up in a dysfunctional home and like you, didn't even realize what was going on. I thought it was normal.
I eventually went no contact with my siblings. The one is a narcissist and I am her primary target. The other five enable her and blame me. It doesn't help that I was the scapegoat in the family.
Me and my brothers were only 3 years apart in age. When our father was home all of us felt like we were walking on eggshells even when he was allegedly sleeping because we never knew when he was going to be only pretending to sleep while assuming things about what we were up to at the time. So all 3 of us learned how to be people pleasers whenenver the situation was calling for it. A narcissist loves to triangulate people like us before we get their number.
Hugs
The enablers may be the worst part. They're a little army, standing guard of a person who's done damage to them too.
The flying monkeys.
I had a narc friend, knew her for 10 yrs, she would pull shit on me periodically then was disrespectful to me on a New Years Day brunch + I started analyzing her history with me realized she was a narc so I cut her out of my life. This shocked mutual friends who became enablers / flying monkeys who called to get me to 'forgive' her but I shut that down. I told them I was explaining only once to them + the subject would then be closed. Went over in detail a number of transgressions + they had been present for + knew I addressed those at the time + it didn't get better + I said, I will not be dealing with that any more + be warned that as she doesn't have me to kick around anymore she will start on one of you. Well it only toke six months for that to happen. LOL
I always wonder why the people around her would beg me to go back to hanging with her like huh?!
Preach
The nice women who are married to a narcissistic, run around, assaultive guy. These nice women think they have to protect him, so they enable him, and are actually on his team of abusive behavior. Men use these wives as shields.
When they say “ I love you” pay attention how they are saying, why, when and watch what they do after. Narcissists use I love you as manipulation that somehow it puts you back on course. If someone genuinely loves you it’s shown in their actions not just the words. Actions matter.
So true! Every time I heard I love you...repeatedly.........I knew he had been sleeping with someone else 🤣. Once I figured him out. I felt so foolish to believe that he ever cared or was capable of being in a mature respectful adult monogamous relationship!! Such a fool! But, experience and education come at a cost.....
‘On the Money’ here!! ONLY listen to actions!! Words are cheap!!
Iwornder if at all they love
A female narc I know can't end a phone conversation with most people without saying, "I love you" and sometimes blabbing on ad nauseam with over the top reasons why she feels that way. She seems to have no self-awareness of how desperate and manipulative she sounds.
They are self-centered people who don't reciprocate. "I love you" in narcissists' language only means "I love the fact you love me"
Being more selfish with my time did wonders with repelling narcissists. They want people who will give in to them.
I learnt the hard way am so.. selfish nowadays am a don't care at all my happiness comes first
That's something I learned they took everything from me. But never the joy and contentment of being alone with my children and God.
8. Dump the enablers
9. Stop giving second chances
10. Surround yourself with good people
11. Skip events
12. Have meaning and purpose in your life
I never attend family reunions. Not ever!
I feel like several really crucial things were left out of this list. Among them are:
6. Pace yourself when forming new relationships
5. Be your own source of validation
4. Familiarize yourself with the narcissistic cycle of manipulation (love bombing/idealization, devaluation, discard, hoovering, repeat) and behavior patterns (gaslighting, blameshifting, projection, triangulation, word salad)
3. Know exactly what your standard is for how you wish to be treated; anyone that doesn't meet that standard or responds inappropriately when you articulate your boundaries is filtered out
2. When you see signs of contempt, RUN
1. Identify AND HEAL your attachment style; insecurely attached people are infinitely more likely to attract narcissists
@@Revolution-tl5wo these're really good ones, even if they're your own. Could you post it in the main comments so more people can read it?
Some other ways-
1. Monitor your inner self talk if you have positive self talk and self compassion you are going to look out for people who treat you the same way.
2. Don't have the belief that if you sacrifice just enough people will value you and finally notice your efforts. If people don't value you when you sacrifice a little they won't value you when you sacrifice a lot and will take you for granted.
3. Notice the red flags early. If a person abuses you the first time leave asap as it only gets worse with time.
4. Watch how they talk about their ex. Statements like all my ex's were crazy bitches is a huge red flag.
5. Do not think that if a person is overconfident or know it all they actually have a good reason for being that way. It can be possible for a person who does not know anything to act like a know it all.
6. Beware of connections that seem like home if home wasn't a good place for you. Break the mindset that familiarity is safety.
7. Don't think other people are like you. Just because you are a nice person doesn't mean others are good people too. Also stop believing there is a good side to everybody and don't project your niceness onto others.
8. Beware if a person overly values you on superficial things like the way you look, the way you dress, the brand of your shoes etc.
9. Beware of people who give you extreme amount of validation because there is a high chance they need the same from others. For example they may give over the top compliments like "you are the most beautiful person in this world" or "you deserve the best in life and I will make sure that happens when you are with me".
10. Don't think that it is better to be with an abuser rather than being alone.
A brilliant list of reminders. Thanks for taking the time. x
Excellent. My favorite is #7, "Don't think other people are like you." That gives too much credit to people who are consistently shitty. Instead, "tell 'em like you smell 'em."
Great list! I'm guilty of a number of 'em. Thanks a lot for sharing!
Thank you all for the wonderful comments
Excellent list of recommendations , thank you : )
Stop watching shows or movies that reinforce the idea that relationships should be frustrating, confusing, and whatever combination of “hot and cold” that is being sensationalized. Breaking up and making up, crying yourself to sleep, and feeling like shit about yourself are NOT a sign of passion or love. I used to enjoy watching Sex and the City, but now I can’t stand to see it after realizing how toxic Carrie and Big are as love interests. Cut out all that influence that makes you think love is complicated and messy! That is NOT what we (or future generations) should be led to believe is healthy or normal.
As a former K-drama addict, I agree with this message! 👍😂
This should be content for a separate video 👍
Thanks for the support everyone. Glad I’m not alone in my thinking!
Now I know why I am drawn to watch 90 Day Fiance on TV! Wow!
This is why I hated soaps as a kid. I thought the people in them were stupid. Should have also paid attention to the stupid people in my real life
I know you have thousands of comments and it's overwhelming to read them all. But you helped me get out of a 30 year marriage to a narcissist. I don't hate him. I have sadness that it's not that he didn't want to love, he was incapable. I spent 30 years trying to prove my love, our children did the same. We never thought to ask him to show love to us. I'm grateful for your education and wisdom on this subject and will carry this with me on my journey to find love in a partner and companion. My son is also very grateful I finally left his dad. I held back leaving earlier because I didn't want to raise my son in a broken family, I think more harm was caused by staying. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Oh gosh Sherrie, that’s exactly why I’m staying. My boys are so young. I tried the separation for a while and they were not okay. It broke my heart to see them so lost and sad that we weren’t a family, so we reconciled. He changed for a bit, but is starting back on his old ways. I’m starting marriage counseling again with a new therapist.
@@loormaria try and show your sons that his words and actions don't match, get them to recognise their feelings if they were gaslit or manipulated by asking "did that feel kind or loving?" would a kind person belittle you like that or does that gift feel like a gift or does it come with strings attached and expectation?
Beware abuse worsened when I returned, finally fled to a refuge with my little one leaving all. Thank God we did, He is the only Truth that can save you 🙏🏻
I always advise my friends and family, if you "stay" in a marriage where there is abuse, it's "already" broken"...get out of that marriage!
@@loormaria please leave, your kids won't be okay with you being abused. better to spare them and yourself the pain.
Be strong dear! God bless you always I’m sure you will get a super kind n nice husband later after leave the toxic one..
My heart goes out to all the Victims in this world It's uncalled for and breaks my heart to know so many are losing their lives over this. The Narcissist is uncalled for. *Minslegend* , don't stop doing you we here to support you 💯%..
I learned that ignoring their tantrums or outbursts, gives you power over them and they tend to take a step back
Word, and never apologize for ignoring the tants etc. because that would mean you actually were being rude. lol
I am using soft tone and just observing their outbursts and overreacting which is funny cause they accuse me of that when I'm not even talking loudly
They love an audience.
Avoid REACTING, just RESPOND when appropriate, which reserves your own power, instead of relinquishing it to them.
I used to think that ignoring, or refusing to react was helpful. In the end, all that did was encourage an escalation in their behaviors. The bad behaviors got progressively worse and their remorseful “makeup” acts more frequent. Sigh. I also tried repeating back the horrid things they would say as a way to get them to recognize how repugnant their words were. In the end that did not work either. My leaving was the only action that worked.
One key ive noticed about encountering a toxic person is to notice how you feel around them, if your gut dont feel right then proceed with CAUTION!
Robin Ahlquist,You are beautiful 🌹🌺🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I would say if your gut don't feel right then pause instead of proceed.
Spot-on! My gut never lies. NEVER!
I attract narcissists like a sticky flysheet. Two traits on my part that I've narrowed problem down to: 1. Unconsciously fawning. 2. Readily accommodating and compromising.
Such great empath qualities. So great, when u hang out with empaths!
Me too ❤🤷♀️😂
What does unconsciously fawning mean?
Brinda. You hit it on the nail with those two things with me also.
if you want to share how you examine those things or give an example would be wonderful.
--- how you shifted from what you thought was accommodating and compromising which are good things but -we- do those and inappropriate situations with covert narcissists.
I learned so much from real life examples. I totally get the theory .
I get stuck on what to do when it's actually happening. Thnx for share.
@@shadowasmr4299 unintentionally showing affection or admiration.
Some narcissists are domineering know-it-alls, definitely not charming or charismatic. Essentially they're threatening "follow the rules or I'm going to slap you down." Practicing "no contact" and "gray rock" really help!
Yes, the "my way or the highway because everyone else is an idiot" routine is common in all narcissists, even the ones who are covert and hide this routine well.
i know all about it. I have SEVERAL of them in my life. Yes you heard that right. It's a bitch, to say the least.
...I do not find them attractive. There is something so sensuous about honest and unassuming people. Narcissistic traits disgust me, narcissistic family members can work your last nerve.
Only works if you don't have children involved. If you do its not going to work going no contact. Grey rock isn't always possible as humans dealing with the other parent
The domineering know-it-alls....ugh! Don’t get me started! I could never stand these types....on the one hand u have moralistic ppl trying to plan ur life out (certain relatives who “mean well” but are presumptuous & insulting) and then u have the whiny, tantrum-prone intellects who are always trying to one-up you & constantly have to correct you, and point out ur flaws or inferiority....these ppl deserve to be slapped 👋🏼
I recently met a very bright, accomplished, charming, seemingly warm and witty neighbor who introduced herself by reporting her many professional achievements to me and additionally those of her children. Never once did she inquire about me or my interests. I decided this would be probably a good person to avoid from the start. Best not to risk trouble. She appears dedicated to maintaining a perfect image and a perfect decor. I doubt she will even know my name the next time we meet.
I need to learn your superpower! 😩 Seems like you are able to identify an energy sucker from that first meeting..have you always been able to do that or did you need to practice it like a skill? I tend to get sucked into the "listener's trap" because apparently they can smell my good listening skills from a mile away or something. And since I don't talk about myself too much, they are more than happy to talk my ear off about them and turn anything I say about myself right back to them..it's exhausting.
Whawooo
I’ve learned from experience that if someone dumps his resume on you at first meeting, they will likely continue to do so and show themselves to be no one you want to know. The superiority game starts at first greeting.
Alena First greeting says a lot. So true! For me, when that first encounter is over, if I don’t feel happy, or I feel a tight gut, I know something is wrong. I used to blame myself but now, maybe I have more practice, it’s getting clearer as to who they are from the start.
Sounds awful! Ppl like this are nauseating 😒
"Being smart or successful is not a virtue. Being kind is." 😭❤️
Kindness is the biggest weakness in this context.
@@Shukra9665 in my understanding the exact context when she said that was before in a closer relation with a narcissistic person: don't fall for smart or successful - check if someone is kind, too, before you engage. All the best!
Virtuous people are not always kind and kind people are not always virtuous. But I would go with virtue, because it does not exclude kindness. But kindness sometimes excludes virtue, which is the problem in the original statement, because kindness can be self-defeating, unlike virtue.
Acts of kindness, appearance of happiness, being a good listener it can all be faked and is definately not always someones traits and is not always a virtue!!!
The person who everyone sees as "nice" all of the time can also be an act with the motivation of not being pure. With a covert narcissistic person this is all an act. It's not normal to be over the top with anything.
A person that has the appearance of never faulting from "being nice" "kind" etc in public can be using that as their mask to gain the accolades and attention and advantaces on the outside to lore people into their web of fantasy and illusion about themselves as they use their manipulation and charm
Totally understand your opinions, too.
Hm, everyone might have slightly different definition of the word "kindness". Niceness is not kindness in my eyes - one is sugary and sweet and leaves you hungry, the other has something nurturing and real to it. It's full of heart and has not necessarily an overly sweet manner. Intuition helps me to feel if something is truly heartfelt or if something feels off.
If something feels off - I usually think people have reasons for being people pleasers and failing to be authentically kind Could be trauma related fawning. So my question in that case is "Is this person I am dealing with a person that is caught in their patterns or are they a wolf in sheep's clothing?" If someone is "always nice" etc. it does have something strange to it, whatever that might be in the end ...
Probably it's even a bigger issue in the United States or maybe in Japan where wearing a very polite or sweet mask is anchored deeply in the culture. Here in Europe sometimes people love to act gruff and show a big heart anyways.
My husband became mad when I began my spiritual journey. No matter how difficult I resisted. I managed my time to continue. That's 3 years ago.
Now, I gain inner liberty, calmness even when he gaslight me. I learnt how to not engage, not personalised.
I feel more equipped now and strangely his gaslighting frequency goes down and my ability to respond instead of react goes up.
Immense thanks to Dr Ramani, her videos allow me to understand and identify narcissist behaviour 🙏🏼
“BONUS: Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path.” - Dr. Ramani
That bit about the charisma. Holy crap, so that's why I usually dislike the kind of people everyone else seems to adore. I've been exposed to narcissism far too early.
I know, I’m the same. I can’t stand the ‘charming’ ones, it’s an instant turn off for me. Always has been.
When the charisma is genuine, you will know it and it will stand the test of time, and it will not be a cover for something else.
I think there’s a difference bw genuine charm/authenticity & artificial charm that is slick (but u still have to be cautious)...even if the slickness is well played, I can usually feel if something is wrong...there’s something abt being disingenuous that repels me
I became financially independent so I didn't need his money. It took alot of hard work but well worth all the long hours. I have more confidence knowing I can take care of myself.
Seeing this comment made me cry. One of the worst positions to be in is being economically dependent of a person who wrecks you emotionally. You feel like you can never escape. I'm glad you achieved independence and I'll work hard to do the same.
I can't wait to be financially independent from him...
I'm working on that to Kelly! Can't wait to be finally free!
We'll get there.
My ex fiancé encouraged me to go back to school to become a nurse, avoided me the entire time I was in school, then tried to get me to “take care of him and his Mom” when I was finished. He was always trying to get me to pay for him, taking advantage of me, and never wanted me to be involved in his personal life or with his family. I was so miserable, but kept giving him repeated chances. He was legitimately shocked when I said I wasn’t happy and broke up with him. He did nothing, except tell me that “he would always love me” and then proceed to pretend that I never existed. Life is so much better for me now. I am with a man who loves me, he tells me, he shows me. He is real and invites me to be part of his real life. The best thing ex did was be an asshole, bc I never would have left.
In my experience, I’ve seen that when you share the compliments other people give you, it can trigger the narcissist into being even nastier, but it definitely aggravates them to know that other people like you, your personality and your work! It can sometimes lead to dramatic episodes, but these episodes are very helpful to call them out on their behavior! To show them that it’s evident that they are not the gracious, simple and honest people they claim to be all the time! Thank you Dr. Ramani! Your videos have been very helpful to me!
Knowing when someone is overstepping your boundaries constantly like it doesn’t matter to them can be a big clue
I agree. Don’t accept apologies, only changes in behaviour.
Hey love it’s not LIKe they don’t care
They clearly don’t care,
When I said no to my ex
He was yelling screaming like a psichopath
I learnt this the hard way.
Yes...I've learned this.
Charisma is like wearing cologne and not showering. Perfect analogy!!
Idk, I have two narcissistic parents and I am very compassionate and a people person, probably because narcs make you learn how to read the slightest signs in people to notice a change of heart... So, I am also very extraverted and I consider myself to be charismatic. But I am not hiding anything, I sincerely admire people for the good things they do and tell them this. So, I don't like the analogy.
@@saltaba321 Yeah I also think I'm kind of charismatic, but not charming though. Sadly it is very common for very abusive persons to be very charming I have seen it many times and they wrap people around their little finger. People can be abusive even if they aren't charming too.
It is important as you stated not to get into these relationships in the first place! If you grew up with narcissistic parents and are an empath you are a narcissist magnet. After years and years I have broken free from the narcissists in my life! Remember narcissists are very dangerous!
Oh geez 🤦🏻♀️My dad is a narcissist and it is horrible. I hate to sound like I’m patting my own back but I really think I am an empath. I have allowed the narcissists in my life to absolutely devour me. I feel hopeless and depressed now. Pretty sure my husband has some narcissistic tendencies as well but I can’t be sure because he has also been diagnosed with Aspergers years ago. I love him and I think he loves me as much as he’s capable of loving. He found his dad dead at 5 yrs old and remembers it clearly. He has a mom who has never said “I love you” to him or hugged him or anything like that. I think that’s weird.
Anyway, I can’t tell if he’s a narcissist or if he’s just emotionally immature or closed off because he has never been taught or shown how to be compassionate, loving, affectionate, etc...
He also uses sarcasm often and I despise sarcasm.
I just hate feeling the way I do and when I read your comment it kinda shocked me because I didn’t think having a narcissistic father and being a loving person myself, would make me a magnet for narcissists but you may be right!
BS17 Keep learning. It’s confusing and upsetting but it will get clearer and clearer. Regardless of what your husband has experienced, please value what you have experienced and are experiencing now as more important. You are the only one who can, who knows what it’s like inside.
@@debwefoxx9389 I agree with you.
BS17, focus on yourself. Just because your husband had difficult childhood is not for you to 'fix'. It is an explanation, not an excuse for him to hurt you with sarcasm. Tell him straight on his face, I didn't like what you said and I don't like sarcasm. Remember we can't change any adult unless they want to change.
Your focus must be on "YOU", to make sure you are healthy, happy, content. Be at peace with yourself. Treat yourself well. Find activities and people who value you and make you happy. No one loves us as much as we love ourselves. So, take care, lots of love from Austin, TX 💞🌹🍫
@@BS-dq1kz Well narcissists love to play the victim role to keep kind, empathetic people on the hook. Often times they are not telling the truth about their past or are exaggerating it. Even if some of it is true there is NOTHING you can do to FIX it for them. My last narc relationship I was a captive audience for years of whining and victim mentality. It ultimately harmed me but didn't heal the narcissist at all. They cannot be fixed in this lifetime. Value you yourself enough to break the trauma bond and stop the abuse. When you look back, most likely you will wonder why you stayed so long. Its just not worth it.
If you grew up with narcissistic parents, unfortunately it's likely that you won't recognize the danger of a new narcissist easily. The new narcissist in your life will feel familiar, even comfortable at first. Just like "home."
This woman is such a beautiful guiding angel for my life! My family members are so narcissistic and I really can’t handle the thought of having more in my jobs, friend groups and other areas of my life. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with everything.❤
I know it sounds like something out of a self help book, but finding real happiness really repelles those suckers. They can't stand it if you are actually happy.
Imagine!
Too right
Soooooo True. When others are happy it makes them crazy. They always pick it apart.
Thats the thing, they're dangerous
@@melissamary8305 they really are.
What I personally do against the main narcissist in my life, is to really just ignore them, not look them in the eyes, and repeat in my head, "This is just manipulation, you are trying to manipulate me, and it's not working because I know what you're doing." And it really helps me to keep from reacting to it.
And then you split!! No sense staying in the company of the narcissistic. Why take pride in staying around them? Not a contest. When you see habit and pattern of a person acting narcissistic, great. THEN PLAN ON LEAVING, PUTTING DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU. GO NO CONTACT. You want to thrive, not just survive.
And, if you can, run away as quickly as possible!!
Thank you for this 🙏🏽🙏🏽
@ thank you so much for this. You don't always have the opportunity to stay away from them so finding ways to survive is precious. I notice not looking at them in the eye is a great weepon too.
Oh my gosh..that is exactly what I said to mine and he flipped out so bad..🤣
Beware of the person who seems oh so curious to know your thoughts and dreams without sharing their own first or with any detail. If someone is overly interested in everything you say but has no original thoughts of their own when you turn the question on them... Run. I experienced this. The abuser amazingly seemed to think and feel just like I did. Wow we're so alike, we're meant to be!!!... Later I learned to call it "me too"ing. The person just stole everything I'd said and claimed it as their own to be appealing and hook me. Please be careful.
You are SO right about this. I was getting to know someone recently and it felt like a job interview where they would ask me questions about how I felt about a variety of topics and they agreed with EVERYTHING I said. I figured out pretty quickly that I was being love bombed and obsessed over before we had even met. Thankfully, we never met in person. I knew it was a bad idea.
Amazing same happened to me ,the stealing of everything and claimed it as their own
yep, my younger sister pulled this trick on me for years. in this sister dynamics i really was clueless....
Wow, I love all the knowledge of this community. Thanks so much ❤️
I've seen the other extreme, the person who happens to be narcissistic or disordered who will immediately dump out all their thoughts & dreams in a long winded conversation in which you get to reveal none of your own. You're looking for something closer to 50-50 in the sharing & taking turns disclosing to one another.
That said it helps to have a slightly off-putting interest or hobby to put forth as a trial balloon (one of mine is astrology). The marginally famous disordered person who I encountered (who I think highly likely has both borderline personality & narcissistic personality disorders) could not wait for me to do his birth chart PLUS I could tell he had way more knowledge of it than most heterosexual men in our culture do (most of them are leery of anything New Age). I could tell the entitlement was coming to the fore with him & I basically decided not to work it up for him (I'm sure it's been done for him numerous times & he's learned virtually nothing from it other than 'yay, someone's doing something ME-centric again!')
If you have a weird/obscure/unpopular 'test hobby' & you get that 'OMG, that's my hobby too!' reaction, raise your guard higher & feel free to test what they say (surprise! the narcissist will flunk out on your 'pop quiz')
Dr Ramani, thank you for doing what you do. My journey freeing myself from a narcissistic family was when I heard, “Would you let someone do what they are doing to you to a baby in your arm?” I said a big NO and then my journey started. Took me two or three nearly dying and many years of self therapy and I am now happy.
Healthy people might be experienced as less exciting because they don't put drama into your life. If you were raised in a narcissistic system, you will have a preference for drama and that keeps you hooked in narcissistic situations. The drama is addictive. When you don't need drama, you can appreciate good people who are less exciting and healthier than the narc.
I have definitely found this! As I became healthy, my definition of exciting and the experiences I seek have changed.
Awesome point! Facing and conquering my own addictive patterns has been a massive help in recognizing my attachment to drama and chaos and closing the door on that chapter of my life. Thank you!
Joey Barszcz I agree completely.
this is so true! I didn't even realize until I figured out that my stepfather was a narcissist. The more I learn about narcissism the more I go grey rock (now completely no contact with him and my mom, but I still have contact with my brother who is an enabler) and find inner peace which feels so good! I actively try to avoid drama now whenever possible. I can't wait to go no contact with my brother too and be finally free.
Ufff yes!
Assess people based on their actions, not their words.
As Dr. RamaNi says trust your gut. Check how you feel around them. That may give more clues than their actions even.
Well said
ABSOLUTELY!!!
Very good advice
I will admit I need to work on that philosophy myself; I can absolutely own up to that shortcoming I have, and wish to work on that!
"No is a complete sentence" Love that. Thank you so much for that Dr. Ramani
You’re wisdom is like having an emotional bodyguard to help protect us. You combine your wonderful intellect, moral and ethics to help educate us against narcissism and toxic people. Thank you Dr Ramani🙏🏻
"Emotional bodyguard" is a great way of putting it!
Yes. I agree. Thank you for sharing your comment. And thank you Doctor
A real life guardian angel.
"Healthy people are the ones who validate you, who are a sounding boards, who do not gaslight you, who have your back, who encourage you to pursue your dreams, who have empathy, compassion, kindness, and listen to you and who do the same for you."
>*Please read*<
My sister is a covert narc. 4years older than me.
She's been lying about me to my parents and extended family/friends since I was a baby( We are in our 30s now) she has spent her life tormenting me and assassinating my character
Contact was on and off between us for years(instigated by me after she hit me in private, then denied it, several times) we've been completely no contact again for 5 years and still I'm hearing lies she told about me that I never knew. We ignore each other if she comes to my parents home.
So now she works on my parents and uses them.
Our mother is now becoming wise to my sisters narc ways. My father doesn't believe it. Still thinks I'm a 'trouble maker' and not trust worthy.
My advice is NEVER try to tell people about the narcs 'evil ways'... You will look crazy. EVERY TIME! And the narc will be believed again. Please ignore it, go to counselling and wait for the day others see it themselves and apologise to you. You won't ever get an apology from the narc but when others see it themselves, you will feel vindicated.
Wow I saw this topic on another video and they recommended the same thing. You'll only make yourself look crazy if you try to show the narcs true colors
Dr Ramani herself made a video about this! So sad but so true, if you call the narcissist out, you won't be believed most likely!
This is so interesting to me how family members try to destroy others even at a young age when there is absolutely nothing to be mad about. This happened to me too. I had to really stand my ground (when I was older) because no one would believe me, but I was adamant. I was like if you don't believe me then GET LOST. Of course it was very destructive, but so were the lies. The destruction just seemed the same difference to me. So I just threw a big monkey wrench into everything.
@@monbonica4362 so glad you had the strength to get away from it.
I hope you're living a good life free of narcs
@@monbonica4362 Good for you!!! I had to do it with my only daughter as her behaviour was well out of normal range (identical to my narc ex-husband's abuse of me) and my red alert radar was constantly going berserk. I wasn't going through that from a 4th generation.... she'd been coaching her children in the narc agenda too. Peace reigns now they've been absent for nearly 5 years.
Sometimes it’s a sister. You have to learn to say ‘no’. Cut them off no matter how much it hurts you. It is not selfish, just sane. Lastly, believe that you can be happy even if you cut off family. It’s okay to cut off family.
Very difficult but sometimes necessary…
Yes, it IS okay to cut off family!!
If you wouldn't tolerate the behavior from a stranger, then it is *even*worse*, coming from those who are supposed to be your nearest and dearest.
It sucks, but if you can do this, you are strong!! And you will build yourself a good life, without these people.
Much love to you, girl. 🤗💖
FOC = Family Of Choice is who I'm most drawn to now, thankfully. I've a sane, serene existence now! YAYAYAY!
I completely agree. I've had to cut off a lot maternal relatives because of their toxic and dysfunctional behaviour.
Right?! So many people have the bar on the floor when it comes to family. Raise the bar!
I have only recently realized my red flags come later; if an interaction keeps popping up in my mind and I relive it endlessly (or even imagine different responses I could have had) I now regard that as my subconscious authentic self tugging at my sleeve! It has been my normal for so long to avoid conflict and thus never maintained healthy boundaries. Dr. Ramani, if I had to choose just one video of yours to learn from this is it. I have stopped beating myself up and now intend to focus on my purpose. Thank you.
Pay attention to how you feel when you meet someone. For me personally, I literally feel physically cold all of a sudden when I meet a person like that. I've learned the hard way not to ignore my first impression.
I have something similar, which feels more like cringe. It's like, "I know I should like you but I really don't like you and I don't know why I don't like you and I feel guilty about that...." Until I realize I was indeed detecting something.
True. For me some of the ways I felt were feeling drained, being afraid to be myself, and eventually feeling cringe.
Yup. For me, it’s the anxiety I used to write off as “butterflies.”
Right!?!?!?!? I feel uncomfortable AF, socially awkward ( which is weird for me). I can almost hear, "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" Or like Spidey Senses.... My body feels something is not right, or someone is being fake. I need to listen to that feeling next time, cause it has a pretty good track record of being right about BS.
I get the whole pit in my stomach, feel ill, cotton dry throat.... It's like a deer getting the first smell of a forest fire..... I have C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse when I was a preteen and teen by my stepdad..... So yeah....... Unfortunately narcissistic feels "like home" to me.... And when my blinders fall off..... 🤦♀️ 🤷♀️😥
I'm still very susceptible, but I'm learning!!
I spent 28 years in a Narcissistic marriage - Dr. Ramani, it is as if you explain my life and bring new understanding with each video I watch! Thank you! One of the best things I did was when my ex discarded me, I packed up my clothing, my computer and my life and moved 900 miles away from him! I went to a place where I knew I could heal and find support and encouragement along the way. It was so good to have that distance between us and to leave everything else behind me. I started taking music and art apprenticeships, getting some counseling and meeting new people. So freeing to be in a place where I could rediscover me!
Tracy Mattox,You deserve better
Yes! I moved 7 hours away, and was he shocked! Haaaa He married someone else several years ago and still calls me about once a year!
I am only married for 1 1/2 yrs and she explained my life being married with a narcissistic husband...HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA
What I realized is that when you fall in love with Life in general and understand how short it is you wouldn’t have time to waste on toxic people. The purpose in life is Life. Isn’t it the most extraordinary thing? Do what you love, learn, travel, experience and find joy in everything around. Wake up early, meditate, eat healthy, watch sunsets. Detox from anything toxic (people, alcohol, bad tv.. etc). Clear mind. Awareness brings clarity🙏🏻
This is exactly what helps me staying away, going no contact: It is a waste of life time. Very true. Unfortunatly I only realized this after decades, when severe illness made me aware that time might be more limited than I ever thought. I somehow always believed that I have to live with whatever problems my narcissist mother caused me, because when you are brought up you are taught that you can't dump your family. Yes you can. The mother plus the rest of the bunch because otherwise she will use them as enablers and flying monkeys.
I know this too well
Same
Trust your intuition!✌🏼
yup it sounds so simplistic but its truly the most important thing. your gut intuition is NEVER wrong ❤️✨
Yes, yes and yes!!! My inner self was telling me “this isn’t right” and I convinced myself I can “make my relationship work” and I refused to give up on her even though she was emotionally abusive.
Yup intuition works 😁
Very true!! You leave a conversation with them and feel worse about yourself, or feel dread. In contrast healthy relationships leave you both feeling good about yourselves, like a happiness high.
Yes, this is so true! Sometimes I've thought I was crazy for wondering if something a guy said or something a guy did seemed off, but that second guessing can put us in danger. We have to remember that our intuition is there for a reason, to protect us.
Being smart is not a virtue ... wow that speaks volumes
That statement...omg
My advice: Stand up straight and speak clearly. When they are looking for prey they don't want someone who's confident, they want someone who is weak.
Some áctually get attracted to strength, because that means more fuel once they've got you...
@@ThisIsAnneleen True, however I can argue that if you pair that with wisdom and emotional strength that will make a good combo.
that could work.. but my strat is duck and dodge.. even disappear!
@@ThisIsAnneleen tOTALLY AGRee.... I was strong and directional. it just means they hone their skills on the battlefield when dealing with a strong female, it ups their game if you're more of a challenge.
Absolutely yes. Narcissists are just like bullies. They scope out the people who they think will not resist them. But underneath the bravado, narcissists are just cowards.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and started noticing her behavior in people I've had to professionally work with. Thankfully, because I was the scapegoat and had to be independent from a young age, I'm very picky about who I interact with and who to befriend. This has helped me grayrock many narcs and keep genuine, supportive people in my life. (This is not to say I haven't fallen for a woe-is-me narc before, but after seeing too many patterns I've left such people quietly.)
"Gaslighting happens when we give too much credit to others and we give too little credit to ourselves." Story of my life. I am not sure what the problem of the 161 people who disliked this video is...
They are probably narc.....LOL!!!
THAT'S EASY! They're either full-fledged NARCISSISTS or they're TRUSTY ENABLERS!
Narcissists lol
Narcs dislike this video
@@glgardener4972 agreed lol
*start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path*
This is gold.
When I started to do this and live like me, away from my narcissist sister....my mother finally saw who I was. Who I actually was.
I wasn't the non trustworthy mess my sister convinced her I was... I was a good, responsible, kind, hard working person. This is how my mother started to realise what had been going on since we were little girls...the penny dropped and she apologised profusely and is wise to a lot of my sisters ways.
My father unfortunately still does not see it and will cause an argument if I try to bring it up, so I don't.
He thinks I'm a mess. So he enables her and sadly my mother is still an enabler when they see my sister because said sister has young children now so my parents are desperate to see them as my sister doesn't come very often.
She has them on emotional strings now because of the grandchildren.
It's sad to think this will trickle down another generation but I am staying firmly out of it.
I hear you! I have a narcissistic sister and brother and after 40 years of abuse I’m going no contact for the 3rd time and the last!
My mum and little sister too.
We have all been enablers now it’s time to end it all. Soooo glad my mum can see it too. Watching theses videos has opened my mums eyes and mine also!
My mum has also apologised that she didn’t see what was going on under her own nose as we were growing up. I don’t need an apology, just her listening and acknowledging that everything I have said is true is enough.
I’m glad your mum can also see it but sad for you too, I feel for you x
Well done. Is the weaker party really the one who tends to diminish the other, perhaps? Myself, I've wondered much about protecting the best in me, my heart, so to speak, in spite of the always competing atmospehere. "You are only what you deliver in competition" feels diminishing, but then again I don't arrange the competitions. She does. Best of luck, and thanks for sharing!
@@Lou-gn6tc thanks for your kind words! 💜 Just knowing that others know what Im feeling , makes it easier.
As does having a name for it! Best of luck in your narc-free life!
Wow. You just described my own elder sister and how she interacts with my elderly mother. My sister has twin grandboys that she uses as leverage to get my mother to think, say, and do what she wants. She's convinced my mother that I'm the "black sheep" in the family though I hold 4 degrees including a Ph.D., and I am an educator that is compassionate about people and sticking up for the underdog. My sister measures success on how much money one has and she has gone out of her way to ensure that she inherits everything. My response is to let her have it--it's not worth the energy to engage with her and I cut ties years ago. My relationships are more important to me and surrounding myself with people who cheer me on! And I cheer them on We don't put each other down, yet offer each other gentle constructive criticism when asked.
Even calling Adult Protective Services for elderly abuse is not helpful because the social workers feel sorry for my sister for losing her husband to cancer and doing invitro and becoming a single mother of twins. It's not just emotional strings that my sister holds, but it's actually abuse and neglect that she continually exacts on people, but because it's emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse, it tends to get dismissed in comparison to much more serious situations. I put 5,000 miles between myself and my dysfunctional family years ago. Though some therapists say it's a metaphor, I found that if I'm close by, my sister finds a way to suck me into her narcissistic drama. She's not just a pessimistic and negative person--the glass isn't just half-empty for her--it's shattered in pieces on the floor. Boundaries are key for me though often times when you set them with an abusive, narcissistic person, they only get angrier. They continue to cycle out of control like a tornado and will pull in everyone along their path. At the least, they gossip, backstab, and misrepresent and try to undermine you in every way imaginable. It's hard, too, when you're programmed by your parents to be the way my sister is from a very early age. We each responded to childhood trauma in different ways. I was lucky enough to get the help I needed when I was young; whereas, my sister has refused any help and sees seeking such help as a weakness or that she's "crazy." This is how she refers to me--the crazy one. The grieving for such losses does get easier, but the pain never really quite goes away.
I always live by a proverb that my first therapist gave to me when I was 18 (years ago) about The Little Sparrow. This sparrow didn't handle his stuff and prepare to fly south in time for the Winter so he started out late. As he flew south, his wings began to form ice and he grew tired. He spotted a barnyard below and decided to stop for a rest. While he was resting, a cow came by and took a poop on him. However, the poop warmed the little sparrow and melted the ice on his wings. He was so elated and happy that he began to chirp and sing, but he was still stuck in the poop. This piqued the curiosity of a farm cat who came over to investigate the noise. When the cat found the sparrow in the poop, he cleared the poop away and he promptly ate him up. Moral of the story: Not everyone who poops on you is necessarily your enemy. Not everyone who helps you out of the poop is necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of poop--keep your mouth shut.
I really had to think about what you wrote, the competition! It’s been a competition my whole life. My sister is so jealous and envious of me, not just me there’s others too.
Because I’m capable of doing lots of things that women don’t normally do. So help my mum and others with lots of stuff around the home and garden. My narc sister from a young age has always told me” your too nice”. Now I really understand why this was said. Anything I do for others out of the goodness of my heart she has to say something. She has bullied and manipulated me my whole life also my mum and little sister. Her sons were also affected! In fact she’s lost friends also. She has no one except my narcissistic brother.
The abuse will now stop! I’m so glad it hasn’t changed me as a person, I can’t help but be who I am and I will continue to shine with no one dulling my shine.
One tip is to always make sure to give yourself time before you give any definitive answers. A problem I would have is that I would agree to stuff simply because I felt awkward. But keep to a rule of saying ''I'll get back to you'' or ''I'll think about it''. If you don't know someone very well, allow yourself the time to process the encounter after the first meeting. Sometimes I am so charmed by someone initially but giving myself time helps me let that initial feeling wear off and then I can see right through their character. Observe and feel everything they made you feel so that you know where your boundaries really are with them.
Wow I’m definitely applying your words to my life!
I too, am very charmed by the first encounter. So taking time to process the person and let the charm wear off is critical.
well said!
This is so helpful to me.Over 50% of my family are narcissists and the mom is the ring leader. After I found my meaning and joy for life, everything got so much better. I no longer focus on pleasing them (it's impossible to make them happy anyways since all they want to do is control). Now I plant and enjoy my flowers, travel, go to weekly bible studies and stay busy doing things I like to do. I can tell they are very jealous and envious that I no longer focus on them. I do y own thing and it's so much more peaceful being in my own thoughts. I said all this to thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos. I am a witness that everything you teach is true and pratical. I am better now because I took notes and really let everything process in my mind. You truly are a blessing to the world. God Bless You, Lisa !
Lisa. It's been pleasant hearing your testimony. I thank Jesus for protection over you now. And also, during that time of escape. Amen. I know he can help me and my 3 children. I know he is. Amen.
"Its ok to say NO to entitled intrusive behavior. Set your boundaries" - I needed that one
Me too !
And Me ....Thankyou ....