A break up with a narcissist: what to expect
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1. You don't get closure.
2. They find someone already in a matter of weeks, months or possibly that person is already been there all along.
3. You blame yourself even after the breakup.
4. You always, I repeat always ruminate if things could have been better, if you could have been better for them. You always ruminate if the new person gets a better version of them (they will not).
5. Months after the break up, you will recognize that you are getting better and starting to heal. That when you get to know a bit more about narcissism, you finally understand why the breakup needed to happen.
If you're experiencing a breakup now with a narcissist/narcissistic person, you will go through hell, it is very hard to process and to go each day but it is not impossible. Things will get better, that I can guarantee. Im healing and it's already been 6 months and I have to say I am way better than 6 months ago. Be patient on yourself. I hope and pray for everyone's healing right here especially you reading my comment.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your upload!
You are spot on. For me I was angry right before I let go
@@dynjarren5454 I felt the same way. When you do understand why it happened, it eventually gets easier to process.
@@edjoshuatungul194 1,000% agree and we are survivors so we must keep telling others of our experience and remind them that they will bounce back and be strong again! 🤘
Excellent post Ed! 👍
Thank you sa post mo nato.
If they discard and divorce you, take it as a blessing in disguise. It will hurt, but focus on yourself and heal. After time, you realize a lot of things and also realize how peaceful life will be. Move on and don't fall for the Hoover tactics. Never go back.
The last sentence hit me really hard
@@SuperBullet78 That sentence is so true and real. Just remember if you go back, it will get worse. If you're out of the relationship, stay ahead of the curve and don't go back.
@@mattwilliams290 the last 3 days I was in the same place with my ex friend for some hours and all I could think was just to just hug her. It's really painful to deal with this feeling but I'm so fcking proud that I walked away and didn't talk to her. Seeing her again actually made me realise that I'm more than capable to survive without her and live my life. Hope all people will find peace one day 🌸
@@SuperBullet78 we as empathetic individuals, that comes natural, meaning you see your ex friend and you probably saw something that made you feel sorry for your friend and wanted to give your ex friend a hug. Not to sound mean, but you did the right thing by walking off. They were wanting that supply (attention) and you didn't fall for it. They will try many Hoover attempts, stay strong and don't give in. Remember, they know you, they've studied you, so they know what to say and do to try and get you back. It's not worth it. Don't water (give attention) that plant, let that plant die.💪🏾
So true.
They always win the "battles" but you end up winning the war! Stay strong surviviors!!!
Thank you friend, that just gave me some hope.
We gave a 90 here they canr even make it ro 65 I ain't getting therapy cir this just do drugs
Not my first rodeo. They're not "winning" anything.
🙏🫶
One of the first things I did when my NARC and I broke up was make a list of all the crappy things they did and said to me over the three years together. I worked on that list for an hour and still added to it for weeks after the breakup. And when the ruminating started about the breakup and questioning if it was a good idea.... I just pulled out the list, took a few breaths, and reminded myself that the breakup was a GREAT idea!
Never Loved you
Pathological liar
Cheated / had unprotected sex with others
Called you, your loved ones and friends names
Constant Fighting
User: Sex, money, addictions, place to live
Vilify you to others
Abusive
Controlling
All the Broken Promises
They Are EVIL
NEVER WRONG
Self Centered
EVERYTHING Wrong is.....YOUR FAULT
I did the same and I wrote a letter to him which I never sent outlining my issues with our marriage. It felt good to write it out even though he never saw it.
I did that a few weeks ago and had to get a 2nd sheet of paper. I really want to send it to her since it's all my fault we split.
@@mattgreen2559 When I ran in to old friends of "ours" I found out he had said a bunch of horrible things about me and I finally got so I said - Yup everything he said about me is true - lying cheating whore - that's me. Made me laugh but I developed a very sick sense of humor after 22 years of dealing with his stuff.
Happy for u💖
Do not expect closure. They wont admit any wrong, nor will they sit and talk it out in any meaningful way.
Just find distractions and remind yourself that you are the better person...dont worry, God will let you slide for your emotions of rage, anger, confusion, self doubt and guilt. You are better. You deserve better
This has been me trying to communicate with him. He is so blocked off. He is incapable. I’m working on stopping that, but he has our house, our dog. I’m left to make it on my own now after he future faked me.
I definitely tried the whole sit down and talk many of times. It's like talking into funnel hole with your echoes bouncing back on you, falling on death ears. Theres no resolve in it. It only increases fatigue, anxiety, you name it. It's not worth it.
Man o man. I so needed to hear this. I divorced mine and I'm struggling with grief, little depression and I still miss her. Totally confused...
THE DISRESPECT WAS MY CLOSURE ALONG WITH EPO & NO CONTACT
They will never admit their responsibility and they will act like the victim.
My advice to anyone: LET yourself walk through the fire of heavy emotions. When it ends. You will desire so much to end the hurt and withdrawal of a narcissistic relationship. Just like a drug. Cut it off and welcome the rainstorm that is the healing process. So many people will be on your side. Maybe not in your direct life. But here online. We know what you went through. And we will NEVER take the narcissists charismatic side. We know their games
I totally agree. You must walk through the fire on the other side of that relationship is sweet sweet peace.
Coming from two years after the discard and just weeks away from finalizing a divorce. There is light in the end. You will feel the worst pain, equivalent to loosing someone at death well at least that was my experience. There will be very dark sad moments but push through and heal. I am happy and I never thought I would be able to say that again.
had me at rainstorm.......was married 34, together 37 years. In the last days....I was praying and sleeping in another room.....woke up with 2 words popped in my head...."begin again" so I mentioned it to a friend. That same afternoon I was driving to work....the radio mentioned a new book on healing....the title? "begin again." just then, in Orange County, CA (where it rarely rains) I was headed into a huge dark rain storm....it started pouring rain. It's been 3 years now....I thought things would get better overnight! I have easily forgiven all the cheating, lying, etc. But being single (never have) is the hardest part...but I am getting better and better at it and actually delighting in it, buying my own groceries, going to movies alone, finding new friendships, dating, so happy I cry now at times when I get more than one happy thought...or sometimes a sunset or sunrise....(FYI-my mom died at age 9......another story but partly how it all began....)
You are right Kara, I spent another 8 months (after 2 years) letting him play with my feeling while being confused, and feared because he also called me every day like when things were normal while he also told me that he wouldn't wait for me to visit (he had LRD) and also been chatting with girls on dating apps for those 8 months, I let myself angry, hurt until I desired so much to end.
❤❤
Breaking up with them is harder. There is always that feeling in the back of the mind that it was the wrong thing to do.
The best way to end a narcissistic relationship is to completely cut all the communication with them, never let them find you, harass you or threaten you. They will be expecting a call or meet from you and don't let that happen.
Thanks but the blocking thing didn't help me so I need to try a different approach. I unblocked him, read his messages, and ignore him. I'm depressed but numb at the same time.
@@mariahconklin4150 same feels im going thru right now, numb
Yes that was precisely what I did. I changed my mobile number, email account and even moved house.
So true, I decided that my ex could never hear my voice again…. Therefore, he could never criticize me again…. In the words of Mr. Miagi….best defense…. No be dere
Try meditation, breathing work.
This numb is PTSD: your brain is like an alarm, overwhelmed by traumas.
You have to regain control on your brain, calm down your nervous system by focusing on your self, taking the power over negative thoughts and be more present in the moment for yourself.
Start a therapy.
The hardest narcissistic relationship is the one where there are many many good times. Tons of them, maybe as much as a healthy relationship. But add in the constant up and down raging, love bombing that happens every time they know they’ve messed up, gaslighting. It’s just awful trying to move on. You know the craziness you went through but there are hundreds of photos from birthdays, holidays, events, and they mostly went ok.
@@robertthayer2219 yes sir. Then you just keep ruminating and having euphoric recall and suddenly become ok with the idea that you were the issue and it was all your fault and you deserved that treatment. It’s a shit show of emotions and confusion that doesn’t seem to let up
@@robertthayer2219 4 years for me. Helped raise her kid as well from age 4-8. I too feel broken and lost. I imagine there is new supply as I simply asked her about some accusations I heard from a reliable third party and she went into a massive rage and discarded me. I saw her parents at least once a week as well. They all became my family. I lost a lot more in this than she did. I thought I was establishing a family when it apparently meant nothing at all
So much this. My ex was so wonderful sometimes, and we have so many great memories. It took years and years to figure out why I was so confused and messed up.
You put it very well how I feel. Imagine 40 years with someone. The difficulty is seriously depressing and overwhelming at times, however there is no price to having PEACE!
@@robertthayer2219 how is your life almost identical to mine? It’s absolutely insane. I’m in my 30s as well. I’m assuming it’s someone at her work too. And yeah, letting them do whatever they want whenever they want is their goal. Any question is seen as character assassination. Would definitely like to hear your stories aside from TH-cam
Nothing is harder. Just get away from narcissist. Once you regain your self. You will be thankful that you are free.
So true. I finally left the whole mess, moved over the ocean, divorce finalized last month after 41 years. I’m able to breathe and laugh. It’s the best and only move to make in these toxic situations.
Well said!!
Yeah, even getting over a loved ones death is easier .
Well it was for me .
@@mattlofty5884 I’m sorry, you’re right. It is hard. We lost our 30 yo son to murder, then imploded not long after we finished raising his sons. Losing our son was a lot harder imo.
@@laurawilliams7407 I can imagine that is horrendous, there’s so many variables to consider , sorry for your loss , I hope you’re managing To cope somehow
Sometimes when we good people lose, we actually win.
Thanks Dr. Ramani ❤
It's easier to break up with them because if they break up with you, you feel as though all the things that you put up with was for nothing especially when you were waiting for them to change, always thinking about what could have been, feeling sorry for yourself, the constant diminishing of self sabotage
Spot on. It's also very embarrassing because friends n family saw what you put up with, just to be discarded for his new supply
I think the “secret,” in most cases, is to let the narcissist think that the breakup is their idea.
I agree. However, I think the narcissist always thinks he's the one that broke up . I let him think it . It doesn't bother me anymore. Relinquish of power; I accept defeat and I move on to Joy ! Beautiful bountiful Joy. And I'm finding out that Joy, even in the hard times ,there remains an underlying sense of it ; a unexplainable knowing and the comfort in this knowledge that even in the saddest of times it will eventually pass and get better. And this is something , with a narcissist, that never happens. I know it will never get better, ever, ever, forever - never!!!
Definitely that’s what I had to do!!!
This.
@Živojin Limanić When you leave the narcissist you strip them of their perceived power, and they retaliate to make you suffer for your audacity to take back control of your life.
@@kelliebeathe-kloiber4372 Or she. There are many, many female narcissists.
Mine has stalked and harassed me. But it’s worth it to be free. Don’t wait just do it. I stayed for 10 years and just wish I could turn back time. Forgive yourself too.
I lost a decade, too, because of his sorry ass!! It’s taken a lot of time to forgive myself because he made me leave my husband after threatening intense retribution to my husband, house, and mental +physical health. He was unreal Never saw anything like it in my 57 years on this earth.
@@lorianne4608 I’m shocked to read about so many people in my age group having the exact same problems. I feel like I’m too old to go through anything more. Knowing others are making great strides with these problems has kept me going. Thanks
I lost 11 years! I finally snapped out of it 2 years ago, but continue to do the work so that I can help myself and others. If you are still stuck, do any/every program that's out there and keep watching videos until you hear the words that fit your situation!
Over 30 years here! But leaving, no matter how hellish he's making it, is still better than staying. I don't have much of my life left, but what I have, he doesn't deserve.
@@Dawgluvr great advice. There are so many tips that victims can begin doing before they get out to make it easier to run. I don't recommend separate bank accounts, because if they were built with community funds, you can lose them. Prepaid debit cards like Serve (which are totally private), burner phones, suitcases hidden at a friend's house, abuse social networks and aid numbers, a place to stay arranged, important papers kept somewhere outside the house, digital copies of paperwork on a hidden thumb drive, an attorney you've already spoken to at least once for one of the free consultations, etc. That way if an opportunity to run comes your way you can take it without having to think about everything you are leaving. You grab your purse (if you have time), make sure you have both the keys to your car, and you leave!
You can't force someone to love you and these people dont love they collect for entertainment. And you can't force someone to view you with a loving heart, they will never understand you because they hate you. Freeniemies stay close...you have to break that bond. Don't get mad, dont get even, dont get sad....just back away as calmly as you can. You calmness is your strength.
Very well said!!!
Block them on everything and DO NOT engage when they reach out. I got fed up and forced mine out after two years of him having control.
Hope you're doing well. I just broke up with them and the worst part is that I work with them...
Yes, that is exactly what I had to do. Block them in all forms of communication including email.
Well needed advice.
8:18 Love that. *"You aren't being replaced, they just want new supply"*
Getting rejected always means you "weren't enough" for the other person. Not being "smart enough", "attractive enough", etc would hurt. Not being adequate narcissist supply? My failure in that department causes me zero pain
It's not a failure on your part, they just need " new," someone who looks at them like they're the God they think they are.. who gives them adulation and doesn't know all of their flaws.
Don't take it personally. ... lol
Like anyone can take ANYTHING a narc does, personally!!!
And its just a matter of time. The new supply will soon know what this person really is.
This statement by Dr Ramani resonated with me too. So it’s not so much about us as it is about them and what they need. For them it’s not about getting a replacement for us as it is about just getting NEW supply. It’s a twisted sick concept to me but then again, I’m not a narcissist. Lol I guess these psychos really do have a serious mental issue.
@@suzanne4396 I'm the tiniest bit narcissistic, so I took it personally. Nah but seriously, killing my baby and taking my house is kind of hard not to take personally. But I guess calling them out on their narcissistic behaviour and asking them to come to therapy was a little bit personal too.
@@FlyingcupNsourcer Killing your baby?? A real Baby?
The truth is...he broke up with you before he ever started the relationship! He never loved you. He only loved what being with you did for him and how it made him feel. If he saw it coming, he planned so far ahead that you will never understand what is happening. Any attempt you make to assign emotion or empathy to any part of the relationship will be used and weaponized.
100% truth.
You said it... 💞
This.
FACTS
I feel like my marriage was born with a congenital heart defect.
Literally from the first moment of the marriage she started holding onto intolerance and unforgiveness.
I started putting the pieces together and the picture is getting clear.
I got broke up by a narcissist and it's the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life
Have you healed? I know the pain and I’ve always let him back in my life. I want to stay away this time.
@KEVIN trouble dont last always. Pain now and joy later. Dont go back keep moving forward.
Blessing in disguise my friend!
You've never quit fentanyl cold Turkey..
@Kevin, how did you manage end it? I'm having difficult time with bf on how walk away.
It is Harder to be discarded than to feel empowered enough to leave.
Did both ❤❤❤❤❤❤😂😂😂😂😂Ty Jesus
breakup with a narcissist is like going to the hospital after a poisonous snake fed you the most toxic venom ever, where the survivor has to learn that it`s the poison that is causing the problem, not that there is anything wrong with them -- the recovery and healing is hell, but every bit of it is worth it. Knowledge of narcissism is like venom used to treat the said poison, where survivors are expected to learn about these psychological patterns and leaves a life long impact on their lives.
It’s so evil and really feel unreal.
WOW! I love this analogy!
For me, what's worse is being judged for not forgiving the snake. It's better not to share except with those who understand, and to keep the pain and suffering to self.
@@ly5142 it's a very personal thing and you're not obligated to defend, justify, explain to anyone. People would judge so let them, it's not their story and place to tell you what you should do, after all they didn't have to endure the abuse. I also had to go through the judgements myself, I had to ask myself whether the opinion of the said person mattered to me, if the answer was no, I couldn't care less if they judged 😊
@@abhijitdande3293 Unfortunately, these are old friends who are mostly Christians. There is an "unconditional forgiveness" commandment on which they will judge others. This is common among the psychology community too. "Forgive to remove bitterness". I don't agree that victims of crimes should be shamed into forgiving their perpetrators. I don't share that same biblical interpretation, because as far as I can see, "repentance" is necessary for "forgiveness". Lack of remorse for wrongdoing should be a red flag for one to withhold willingness to remain in a relationship. Otherwise, this would lead to abuse-enabling.
I was with a very toxic man for 5 years. I will have to say the breakup was a bit like coming off an awful drug cold turkey. I caught him having an affair with a coworker, he was running around telling everyone he no longer loved me. He did break up with me, but wouldn’t move out of my house. I had to have him evicted, so that brought out every game under the sun and he then blamed me for everything that was going wrong in his life. He did finally move on and for the most part leaves me alone, but they are never really done with you and will find ways to let you know they are still around. It has been 3 1/2 years and I am still healing, but it is also something you can’t unsee. I have also walked away from 3 very toxic friends in the last 2 years, so my healing process must be working because I won’t just let people abuse me anymore.
So sorry that you had to endure all of that. But SO PROUD of the boundaries you've set. Thank you for the inspiration, and best wishes as you continue healing!
You are transforming into a better you! It’s good to know you’re also letting go of useless friends as well. Go through the process in stride. 👍🏾
I feel you on the cold turkey part. It is the wildest physiological experience. Good for you moving on from other toxic individuals. I think that is the silver lining in the failed narc relationship; the ability now to spot these people immediately and deal with them accordingly.
@@user-ge6uo2ry2b
At dated my first narc at 19, which was a blessing cause then on, I could spot one a 100 miles away. I can easily identify that spirit now.
God theyre So obnoxious!! Good for you!! Glad youre free & can see things clearly now/looking back. What a gift he accidentally gave you. It sucks you had to walk through fire for it though. :/
Young Lady
At 62 and suffering from a 20+ year destruction of who I am/was, I feel the need to acknowledge your wisdom and the degree to which it has helped me break free from that which I did not understand nor realize it's existence for most of my life.
Your efforts in sharing, in simple language, your wisdom has brought back my spark for life and learning, reduced (significantly) my shame and helped me to understand (as much as possible) the tactics and drive of a Narcissistic tempered individual. You have become a huge blessing to my renewed hope, trust and personal growth.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
May the blessings you have given, return at a rate 10x to that which you have/desired to help others.
Bless you 😘
I love this...I too after 11 years got broken up (at 59) with by a Narcassist for another woman and Dr. Ramani is a savior.
It was harder for me to leave them cause I couldn’t. But it was also harder being broken up with because I felt I was going to die. I knew there was a silver lining about the breakup and the idea of the rollercoaster being over was comforting, I just couldn’t feel happy about it then. I was completely broken as a person.
Yep.
I am so broken I don’t even know what do and I miss you sometimes but I don’t want him anymore
@@busisiwemaryjanebuthelezi7786 I remember feeling exactly this(and I still do time to time). It’s normal to have tht part of you still want them even though you know they’re bad for you. It’s truly like an unhealthy addiction. Stay strong, you will get there🤍
How are you now?
@@busisiwemaryjanebuthelezi7786 Just remind yourself when it happens that you aren't missing them, you're missing your fantasy of them that ultimately got shattered by who they really are. Healing requires accepting that harsh reality.
Expect either chaos or absolutely nothing. Some people act as if it never happened or act as if they own you.
That's exactly what I am dealing with. I was trying to figure out was the narc hoovering me the other day. The narc been giving me the silent treatment for weeks on end because i told him to sign them divorce papers. Two days ago, the narc asked me to listen to a voice-mail on his phone. It was a computer generated robo call voice-mail. I was literally confused. The narc was trying to suck me back into his foolishness. That's so weird.
I don't think that narcisst could act like it never happened. They are driven to punish you and "win". And it doesn't matter if you initiated breakup/divorce or they did. About acting as they own you, sure. But they act like that pretty much whole relationship. Not just after it broke up.
@@desther that's true. The narc play mind games for sure. Definitely narc thinks they own you like an appliance they can turn on and turn off. When the narc feels no use for you anymore, the narc tosses you aside but come back to try to pick you back up where the narc has left you. All while securing / or secured already a newer shinier appliances to use. The narc keeps up this vicious cycle.
I feel like my ex feels like he owns me.
@@desther Actually, my narc ex is acting as if our 12 years together and kids never happened. He blindsided me almost 6 months ago, said he didn't want to feel married any more or parent any more. He had been dating other women secretly, and secretly got an apartment for himself. He told the other women he was a divorced single man with no ties. Unspeakable deceit and betrayal all around: me and the kids. AND the new women, who have no idea they are cheating mistresses.
Absolutely harder to do the breaking up. This is where their craziness , cruelty and agression hits the unimaginable
You said it.
Yes this! I did the breaking up and all the same things are happening just not as bad cause not in the same place living
100%
hit the nail on the head
i believe!
I was ditched by text - no closure and became like someone I didn’t recognise.. truly ice cold and cruel / horrible.. that’s the part I cannot get my head around
Omg. Same. I'm recovering right now.. hope you have been well all these months..
Understand you
Same 😮
Same weird experience, only texts then he disappeared like the wind, we lived together 2 years.
The same here … 2.5 years, discarded by email and 2 months later in a new relationship doing with her things we were planning together. Never thought smth can hurt so much
I experienced both sides with the same person. First they dumped me, but called it a break. I was tethered to them for months because of the hope they'd return. I was gaslit into thinking all the responsibility for the failed relationship fell on me. They finally told me it was officially over, but I was still guilted into staying friends. Thru therapy and reflection, I healed to a point where I recognized all the traps I was falling into. When I told them I didn't want to be friends anymore they got angry and then denied that this was actually the end. This was a month and a half ago, and though I don't interact with them anymore I'm still feeling the effects of the relationship. I'm very grateful to Dr. Ramani for this channel, for making me feel seen, and for helping me find pathways to healing.
You love them, but they were only attached to you. They always make it seem like it's ok to be friends, only to continue with their triangulation and manipulation. It's the worse feeling
I experienced both sides with the same person. First they dumped me, but called it a break. I was tethered to them for months because of the hope they'd return. I was gaslit into thinking all the responsibility for the failed relationship fell on me. ----This is where I got my guards up.
After five years, he broke up with me for someone else and a year later, the day after my mom passed away from COVID, he called me wanting me back and still wanting me to allow the one he left me for, to be in our lives. I didn’t answer his calls or texts again and changed my number.
The insanity is real 🤦🏽♀️
Lol! We'll, he is God's gift after all .....
WELL DONE!
Condolences on the loss of your mum in this way. Huge respect for dealing with this so well especially at such a vulnerable time. A Narc previously in my life used any vulnerability to their advantage eg births, deaths, house moves, change of job, family upset- often delivering an ultimatum. It took me ages to become conscious of the pattern, which initially became apparent through my body registering a warning alongside any upset that there would be an additional blow to follow.
They're insensitive
This message on time. I am going through this now. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life.
Have faith in yourself always ! I am going through a divorce right now from my covert narc hubbie and I know what I say : do it for your life , get out before it is too late . I have just recovered from a cancer , after 15 years of abuse . you are in my prayers ! ❤️🤜🤛🏿
same here🙏🏾♥️
Keep doing the hard work! When you get to the other side you will be the best you've ever been. Happiness awaits.
It is so WORTH IT! YES, do it for your HEALTH!
When the anger passes, you will bust out and know you are awesome and wonderful and you are better off
I have failed so far. Still trying to get out after 7 years. Lost almost everything.
Thanks for your great videos. Makes me feel not alone and less insane.
It took me 5 but if you need help let me know , you are not alone
@@ouzi9122 i have done it. I have help now. It sucked a lot of my health tho. Thank you for your kind words. I am very afraid of new contacts now . And making new ones.
@@nathalievanolst7042 I don't blame you one bit, run and don't look back , we only have this 1 life to enjoy and people like that aren't worth a minute of your time or effort ever again, I truly wish the best for you and stay safe , here's to a better 2023 🤍
Just leave right now I’m serious
You Will Do It
7 Years And I Got Out This Month
Keep Going
It Will Happen!!
Dr. Ramani you are truly a hero and MVP in the war against narcissism
It doesnt really matter who did the breaking up. You are running for your life either way.
I broke up with the narcissist before he discarded me…..together 5 years; no children.
I was stalked, he had bugged my computer, flying monkeys, leaving 10 page letters on my doorstep, showing up where I was to the point I wondered if he had a tracking device on my vehicle, etc. ultimately changed my email and phone number.
It should be noted that I walked away because I discovered he was with someone else……
Also expect people not to believe you that this is no ordinary break up……
I’ve left two different narcissists, the last one the harder of the two (but the relationships feel cumulative). For me it was harder to leave than to be left. Mostly because in relationships if you are left it feels more final. The person has told you they no longer want you and often they go no contact with the discard. When you leave, you have to be strong enough to go no contact and to not fall for the continual pleas that they will be better or the battery of verbal abuse. I wasn’t able to go no contact by myself. I was never able to fully let go until they did the final discard and went silent. It sounds pathetic but it’s difficult to cut off someone you loved. For the narcissist their feelings were so shallow it’s much easier for them to walk away.
I started dating after 5 years of being completely single. I met this guy that immigrated from Cuba, and it seemed so perfect at first. I remember there being clear red flags in the beginning, but I pushed them aside. I remember him even telling me “don’t pay attention to friends telling you there are red flags, they just are jealous.” Anyhow, this relationship was so completely draining to me. I’m a highly sensitive person, and very empathetic. I remember some of the stunningly awful things he would say to me. The gaslighting was definitely present. I spent thousands of dollars on him-buying him things he needed, sending things to his family in Cuba, paying for everything. It seemed as if in a way he had contempt for my kindness, even though he benefited from it. He would never wish to speak about any concerns I had about the relationship or any issues that needed to be addressed. He was devoid of empathy, and that was awful. I broke up with him twice early on, because I felt things were off, but he won me back. I wrote him a message telling him that the way I am being treated is unfair, and was completely honest. This sent him into a complete meltdown. He wanted to be alone with his “ailments.” My heart felt so bad when he said that, and I messaged him repeatedly, and he read them, but wouldn’t reply. Then, the next day, I simply asked him “Do you love me?” He would not answer the question, despite reading it. I sent him a message later saying “I’ll take your silence as a no,” then blocked him. I know I deserve better, but it is still so difficult sometimes. This was an absolute chaotic roller-coaster, and I was unhappy more than I was happy. I just feel disappointed and hurt. Your videos helped me understand who I was dealing with, and wised me up to what I was dealing with. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your expertise. ❤
Your story is exactly like mine....im so sorry for your broken but huge heart be proud of it and who you are
@@lisahurley1174 thank you, and the same to you! I’m still having moments of struggling through it, but I’m getting there.
Hi Jason....my story is similar to yours...my ex was from Nicaragua and I immediately learn about his narcissistic traits within 2 months. I own a oonstruction business and I knew he targeted me. It didn't last long because I caught on to him quickly. On to great healing to you.
Thanks for sharing your story, Justin. It was very similar to mine. It hurts, but we come out of it stronger.
After reading this I feel like your ex. My ex would give me everything then I would quit jobs it was so weird. He would be like "It's okay" and I would go to him for everything. He even allowed me to stay at his friend's house and do nothing. When I asked him for help with my car he thought I was asking him for money when in reality all I wanted was someone to figure out what was wrong with my car. He manipulated me the first date we were on and said something like, "I have to move fast woman want that otherwise they move on." I set a boundary and told him I didn't want him to move fast but on the first date he tried to put his arm around me. He eventually only wanted to have sex with me if we were both on drugs it seemed, when I spoke up about him never pleasing me it was always, "You take forever." Always gas lighting me then I felt like i became him it was so weird like we were a mirror image of our toxicity. I shaved my head and I guess because I looked like a man he didn't want to be with me and even then he still blames himself. "It's my testosterone" So now I'm just assuming he's gay or just thinks I'm ugly and is lonely so I'm done. I finally cut things off. Sorry that happened to you though that also happened to Brittney Spears she gave her family everything and they took advantage and now she's crazy from Lithium and who know where she is it's so sad. I to was with a guy who's family treated me like crap and got all of my vulnerabilities just to use them against me when I didn't cator to their needs it totaly ruined me and I didn't trust mexicans for a while it was so sad. I had to remember all the times mexicans were nice to me because his family was mexican. They would speak about me in a different language, his dad was mentally ill, his mother was a narcissist. Everything I did was wrong. I would whisper in my boyfriends ear at the time not even about his family and his sister would say to him not me "It's rude to whipser." Everything I did was just wrong this is how my dad treated me to when I was younger then I was the same as my dad. I finally cut all my family members out of my life and feel like I'm 80 with nobody. It's so depressing.
I’m actually planning an exit from an current narc relationship. I’m def going no contact and I’m deactivating any social media where they know him. I’ve made a plan and sticking to it. I want to be happy again.
Sending you all the love on this journey! You got this. Be prepared for ups and downs of your own emotions. So glad you’re educating yourself. It will always empower you. 🤍
You can do it! Just stick to your plan.
You got this, Miss Leo ❤ You deserve to be happy again!
You will be so glad to leave Miss Leo.
I left a 12 year "relationship" 3 weeks ago. I'm not living in fear now, despite the emails of rage, sorrow, hoovering....
He is a sad man and worthy of pity, but not mine.
I planned for a month beforehand. Got a storage unit, got my important documents out, discarded or gave to charity what I could.
Plan the ass out of it, with a calm friend to help on the day you leave. I was panicky, on edge and unable to think straight out of pure fear.
Use your empathy on yourself for once in years and smile again my friend.
We are always here with the good doctor, Kelly and Irene to help you through to the other side 🙏💜
Before you walk out the door, make sure you have ALL the financial info in place. Very important.
a narcissist making small talk once told me: the secret to breaking up is to get her (his partner) to break up with him, then make her feel guilty about it. all the while already having a buddng relationship with another woman who thinks he's single/not in a relationship.
cruel, remorseless, disgusting. it made me puke a little.
Did you call him out? I've called some out before and their cognitive dissonance is extraordinary. They really have no regards for other human beings. There's a guy in the comments on Dr. Ramni's channel who I ended up having to block. He's 40 and was commenting that his therapist told him to "go for it" when he told him that he "wanted to only date women in their 20s because I never got the chance to to rebel against society." As the exchanges went on, it became clear that this man, claiming to be a victim, was actually what I call a predatory narcissist: he believes he is entitled to use young women as tools to "stick it to society." He then decided I "must be a woman" so then he laid the abuse on even thicker. It was disgusting. He was always one of those "I argue to win" abusers. As soon as the air was clearing, he'd try to hang on by bringing up something irrelevant or getting personal. I'd forgotten about it until today. After about 3 weeks, the dude came back under another video and tried to re-start the same BS. I ended up blocking him today. I just don't get people who do those things. It's abuse disguised as "arguing." The creepy part is that he is still out there, talking about how he is going to use women.
@@kdphotos4691 i actually went into cognitive dissonance myself, because at first i thought he was just making a tasteless joke or quoting a movie or something because he was all smiley - then i realised he was being serious, smiling self-satifsfied at how great he handles "relationships". the double take left me flabbergasted...
@@davidbonar5190 - I completely understand. It leaves you speechless.
That's their cycle. Triangulation is a common force tool. Mind blowing!
I can't say enough how I appreciate the knowledge you share ! Thanks so much 🙏 change for the better everyday
I’m currently going through a divorce with a narcissist where I left. Everything you said is so true and my mind is blown. We’ve been together for over 17years and have two kids, he definitely did a smear campaign and just tried to make my life so hard. Through prayer, support groups, and therapy I’ve been dealing better than expected. I am a survivor 😫 Never thought I’d be saying that.
I’m going through this now. Its the blatant disrespect for me.
Going through this now… his parents trying to manipulate our daughter now!! Ughh
Your experience is similar to mine, it's like you are telling my story. Am married for 17 yrs with two children, want to divorce him. Not easy at all.
Love and peace to all of you.
@@MoriaMushilisimilar experience here 😢 20 years and 3 wonderful kids. I’ve been thinking about leaving for almost 3 years now, but I can’t. Mostly because of my children, I love them and would miss them so much, and also bc it’d be unfair for them to deal with my spouse 50% of the time 😢
It's a blessing to be discard by narcistic ⭐
They don’t take rejection well…
The UNDERSTATEMENT of the Century!!!
Omg, the drama ...
I broke up with mine. Her rage is palpable. She has indeed done all the things Dr. Ramani said she would do: except she has cut communication. That is probably the silent treatment. I feel GREAT! I can't say the same for her.
I just got devalued and discarded. I wasn’t ready for it to be over. I still love this person, I know it’s not healthy. I just want her love and validation again.
In some ways I can’t believe how stupid I was. I lost all my money, self respect, was abused and manipulated to the point I thought I was going insane.
@Lesley T Not so sure since she pretty much burned her bridges with me. The smear campaign turned her friends and family against me. She went off and had a one night stand in a seedy hotel.
Unless the drugs have trashed her brain: she is most likely history to me. Sometimes narcs do leave.
But, she will get a really bad reception if she does: which might also deter her from coming back.
Mine's silent treatment lasted exactly six weeks this time before he came knocking at my door unannounced. He can never stay away more than a couple of months but this time I blocked him from all possible ways of contact so I can move on.
I find leaving the narcissist was the hardest thing I've ever done and I've faced some pretty tough challenges in my life.
Same. You wonder and feel guilty
@@huyghemallorie4909nah. It's only hard because the smear you, bait you, love bombing, hoover you. They don't take no for nothing. That's why it's hard. I don't feel guilty or wonder about anything. They did what they did and that's on them. Not my job to put up with it. My job is to know what I deserve.
Wasn't difficult to leave a narcissist! It came to the point I didn't have anything else to give, and I was getting nothing, my soul was hurt to the point of no return! So I wasn't bothered. And the No communication factor is a must!!!
The truth is....why even be afraid of such manipulation, gaslighting, blaming...they have always been that person...If they are physically abusive, that's really hard...But, once you leave, make sure to have no contact...even with kids...Again, once you leave, you should convince yourself there is no turning back. Unless, you've never learned your lesson.
💥
Easier said, than done. The problem with gaslighting is that it isn't just lying, it makes the gaslighted person feel crazy and unstable, in combination with the love bombing, gives the narc control because you simply feel unstable and question your own value. Years out, I sometimes still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, which is the horrific thing about those people.
the hardest is living In the same world as the narcissist that you made children with
You're not kidding very tough
A million percent this
this exactly is what keeps me awake at night
you're left with feelings of. why am I not good enough for the children that were pretty much my sole responsibility before I went no contact.
am I allowed to have a life that does not include you
why are you doing this to two kids who just happen to love me before your influence
You worded that so well.
Wow, I can't believe this actually just happened to me! I've been dating a woman and getting really close for about 4 months now, trying to get my head around the behavior when she turns on a dime like Jekyll and Hyde. I've been studying up on these behaviors for the last 2 days and appropriate ways to react. Last night when her emotions started ramping up over very trivial meaningless things, I called her out on the behavior for exactly what it was. I stood up and adamantly said this is narcissistic behavior! I paused and observed her behavior ramp up to a manic level. From there it turned into A- typical narcissistic behavior. She deflected it right back on me calling me the narcissist. I then sat down face to face with her and explained how I've learned that she has been gaslighting me throughout the relationship. I paused again and watched her behavior escalate into mania and proceed to deflect it right back on to me again saying that she's finally realized that I've been gaslighting her this whole time. I said nothing else as she grabbed her things and stormed out of the house. A few minutes later I walked out of the house to the bus stop and stood next to her. I stood next to her and explained that I just wanted her safe and that I loved her. She was only trying to re-engage me with the argument and I stayed silent. As she was getting on the bus I told her I love her and I would talk to her in the morning. In a manic voice she exclaimed how she wanted this all to work out this time and don't bother contacting her the next day. I'm just stunned! I can't believe someone can be like this, and so hurtful to another human being, especially one they claim to love so deeply. I'm surprised that I'm not really feeling anything emotionally right now. Maybe I'm just so shocked by all of this right now and that'll sink in later. This is a real learning curve for me in human behavior. Something I've never seen in my lifetime. Thank you for the information from this video and all of the comments that I can definitely relate to!
This video just summarized everything about my life right now, I can't win and I need to accept this and move on. I am exhausted and tired, the trauma experienced in that life is and has been affecting everyone around me. All the people that want to actually love me are being pushed away because of the fear or resentment and rejection over and over and over for almost a decade of my life right now.
Breaking up with a narcissist is like going to war, be ready for the smear campaign , rage, and hoover!
Going through it right now.
After I left the narcissist, I felt tremendous relief because he made every day with him unbearable. He was a master at triangulation and his narcissistic mother made the situation even worse.
Fortunately we had no children, but he is making the divorce process unnecessarily difficult by not submitting the required documents. Part of the reason I suspect that he is doing this is because it’s the only way for him to exercise control over me since we have no shared friends and a smear campaign will have no effect on me.
My ex did the same, not filing documents. I can tell you that putting your complete focus on anything besides the divorce will help a lot. Mine took 7 years to finally get it together. During that time, he got his lawyer to phone me to ask me to sign a paper saying I "committed adultery." I remember saying to the lawyer, "why in the world would I do that?" I then realised that he was trying to paint me as wanting his money and I told the lawyer, "look, I made more money than him when we got together. I gave up my job, my studies, everything to move across the world with him only to put up with lies, abuse and a constant need to fight from him. Now you can see why I left. I don't want ANYTHING from him, only to get free from him."
Yep, I walked away with nothing even though I was entitled to at least what we had in savings.
Do yourself a favour and have as little contact as possible and keep your eye on other things. The divorce will happen. What you want to do is try not to get entangled with the BS.
My ex did the same. Requesting documents from me constantly while never submitting the ones we requested. In the end, I got more than my ex had offered initially so he felt like he lost, even though I gladly let him keep the home with over 50 grand in equity. That lead him to complain to his law firm and he was refunded quite a bit of his legal fees because of it. His next step was to try and sue me in small claims court over dirty carpet. He literally cut and removed a piece of carpet and brought it to court with him. The judge wasn't having it and told him it should have been handled during the divorce. I'm still waiting for him to serve me with papers again for God knows what. He won't stop until he feels like he's won. In the mean time, I'm lucky enough to have a no contact order against him. The only downside to that, is the only way he can try to manipulate me now is through the court system 🙄
Yes the mother thing, oh boy. We definitely need a video for that. In my case she was definitely 90% of the problem.
I am stuck being rejected by a narcissist. And I feel totally drained as you said it’s going to take long time. I lost all my energy and color in my life.
Same. Not rejected. I broke things off. But my color is gone
you gotta understand they've never really loved you. im.4 years past my divorce and I'm telling u its hurts but I feel so much better. I promise it gets better
@@Crazydutchtroy that's what I did and it hurts so much. but it does get better
How are you now?
Be happy you never wasted more time with them.
I really, really, really needed to hear this even if it’s been 3 years later. Thank you so much 🤝 a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I really appreciate these videos.
My ex told people I was having an affair. He actually was the one having an affair w a co-worker. He burglarized my home. He stalked me even after I moved to a new town. It was scarey. And yes. He moved in and married the co-worker.
Yep, my ex stayed out all night and then stonewalled when I asked him what happened. Later, he accused me of "cheating" only for me to find out he'd given me an STD. Nice.
@@NuitAsdf - Yes, it's extremely common.
Yes I filed with divorce once the kids where grown. He was constantly trying to provoke me before he left. Made sure to do damage to the property before moving. He was having an affair but its his projection as I've caught him messing around. It's worth it--enjoy the peace.
Ugh.
Unbelievable if it wasn't crazy narc.
One thing that I found to be extremely helpful in my healing has been to remind myself that it all was a lie. Anything which “felt” good was performative and disingenuous. Proceeding from that point of entry it’s a lot easier to understand what actually happened ala love bombing, de-valuing and discard. I have no idea what my narc is up to almost 5 months later. Out of a sense of self respect I told her I wouldn’t contact her again and so far not a peep. There’s things that were curious about the timing of the break up but that’s on her. I still struggle some days and that ego wound is slow to heal. The reality is that I would’ve stuck it out forever despite being miserable and having my needs go unmet. In retrospect I realize I deserved so much more and I’m working towards that now, happily.
Thanks so much, Eric, from one fresh narc-free person to another, this was so reassuring. Good luck with your healing journey! You deserve better!
I'm late in seeing this but thank you. It is hard for me to admit it was all a lie. I just don't want to think I can be duped that easily. That what I felt wasn't special.
@@jeffreymcalister1482 I'm sorry that happened to you. It's completely valid for you to feel that way, but let me tell you from experience that what made your partner "special" was your love. There's a meme I saw the other day that said something like, I hope you never again have to share your favorite songs with someone who doesn't appreciate them. I really felt that and realized that's all on them. It's like trying to fill a spaghetti strainer with water. These people are incredibly damaged, caught in a cycle of shame which causes compulsive behavior which results in more shame. It's a maelstrom of drama and wasting away their lives. Many of these people have to live with the consequences of their actions but lack the humility to ever reconcile it all. Remember the Golden Rule, love others as you love yourself, then understand that it cuts both ways. Those who have a stunted emotional development are merely projecting their own angry disquiet onto others ie, 'hate others as you hate yourself". Leave them to their miserable shame and go forward to what's next. I believe in you because I had to make the journey too, there's better things coming. Cheers.
@@tiptopdadddy I've struggled to identify her as a narcissist or a dismissive avoidant. Is there really a difference?
@@jeffreymcalister1482 Dr Sam Vaknin has some interesting insights on the covert narcissist being synonymous with a primary psychopath. In my situation I found her to be dismissive avoidant and a covert narcissist who absolutely struggled with empathy. There was a pre-emotive breakup (to gauge my response I believe) and I told her that she was being incredibly cruel. She just didn’t get it, to her I believe it was merely going through the steps necessary to see how valuable I was to her and how important she was to me. I remember thinking how cold she was about the whole thing. My point is, and I’m not a clinician so these psychological insights are merely for self comfort, the anti-social personality can have many concurrent descriptors. I needed the information to “make sense” in order find a base for my own healing. The wound to my ego and the heartbreak/disappointment are getting better. Now we need to look within and learn about ourselves so that we don’t get hoodwinked or ignore the red flags the next time.
Also beware of the one, when they are moving out of your house, leaving some things behind to give themselves an excuse to contact you. Tell them to take everything they own with them promptly or it's going in the trash.
I have had other long term relationships break up and they were difficult but you are so right breaking up with a narcissist is uniquely difficult.
But how cold they can be when they know you know who they are, when they act like you never existed, t can be a blessing in disguise-it's almost easier to let go of someone that can do the things narcissists can do to people, KNOW YOUR WORTH.
He left but accused me of alienating and isolating him. - that showed me all I needed to know.
Choose healthy relationship always. Choose yourself, prioritize your own happiness. If you are not happy, please do leave. You will get through it no matter what. Life may be tough now but you will get through it. You will be stronger and a better person after a break up. God bless you. 🙏❤️
Absolutely harder for me to break up with a narcissist.
She broke up with me and did the scorch earth wipe out. She did me a favor and removed all her underlings at the same time by way of smear campaign.
I would have never left her because I was trauma bonded.
Both ways suck. I still had to put myself back together.
My ex-wife got a new partner as soon as she left marriage we had for 3 decades. Floored me in every way.
Wow!!! 😱
I can’t believe I got out of my relationship with a narcissist. I had to constantly pick them up and tell the, that their going to be ok even though it was them that cheated and caused the breakup. I went through abuse on a daily basis. Insulting me and all my friends and family, saying I’m hopeless and a waste of space. Messaging my mum telling her she raised a pathetic son. Throwing my belongings out house house and physically attacking me and biting me. I’m free for the last couple of months and I still pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. I’ve been making sense of what I went through by watching these videos. I feel so relieved now and working on myself. Hopefully I can see red flags in the future and find someone who respects and appreciates me ❤️
Your lucky she let you have family and friends!
“Supply ain’t personal”! That’s very powerful and has helped me in my journey. Their bs has nothing to do with me. They are who they are! I’m better than all that! Thanks Dr.Ramani ❤️
It's truly hard to get over a breakup from a narcissist because we also tend to think it's like one of the other breakups and that he will come again. We just need to hold on....but it's also the best time to block the narcissist.
I fear to find out he has a new relationship but everything is blocked so it's easier.
Thanks for another good one. I recently “broke up” with a narcissist friend. He was a longtime acquaintance that had evolved into a friend and business partner over a couple of years. We’d had a couple of blow outs where I’d taken a break, but eventually reconciled. Finally the manipulation and abuse became too obvious and I was done. He has tried to draw me back in a couple of times, but I’m done.
I’m getting clearer on my pattern of getting involved with narcissistic people. I ended a 25 year marriage with a narcissistic woman about 8 years ago. The patterns are becoming clearer to me. It’s a journey.
Getting cheated on, lied to then devalued and dumped by my narcissistic boyfriend of 22 years was deeply painful. I can well imagine what he would do if I was the one dumping him. I have a perfect way to enact revenge on him I could do but I would never risk his potential rage-driven over-blown retaliation. Instead of getting even, I'm choosing to just let him think he did the breaking up because I'm done with him.
BREAKING UP WITH A NARCISSISTS IS LIKELY TO BE A DRAINING EXPERIENCE
IT IS CHALLENGING AND EXHAUSTING..
NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS VERY BRUTAL CRUEL ABUSE...
I left the Narcissist in my life two years ago. We owned a house together. I paid half the Mortgage and paid rent for my own place for the two years. Just a few days ago the house sold and all ties are finally severed. There were good times in the nearly 15 years but things got really toxic toward the end. I have spent two years watching these videos and healing. I would not have had the strength to stand firm in insisting that the house be sold when I left two years ago. With the help of a phone call from a Lawyer friend and the actual physical presence and help of his older brother, not to mention a Realtor who went above and beyond, it never would have happened. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I feel kinda lost. Time for more healing and finding the happy in my life. Getting out rips you to shreds but the only way out is through.
This is my same story like every sentence!! only it’s been two months since I’ve been out!! I’m got my own new apartment and still have my half of mortgage! But so grateful for these videos and people commenting like yours to validate and recognize I’m not alone!!! Sending you good vibes and love during your healing process!
@@kecarl80 just a week ago the house sold, the money divided and just like that it is over. For three months it was a daily struggle. The Ex went from raging and cussing to the silent treatment to messaging me late at night saying he still loved me. He was very difficult with the Realtor all the way to the end. I would not have had the strength to do this any sooner. So glad you got out. Keep healing. I saw a quote attributed to Paulo Cohelo that said, “You can miss something and still not want it back.” And I do. Now that we are finally no contact, the deepest healing can begin. Wishing you much healing and know how much you deserve so much more.
Breaking up is a f****** relief! Hopping to get as fas as I can get!
A further comment, when you walk away or when they walk away from you and you realise what you have been subjected to and that you are now free, maybe you do win in the end. Thanks again. This video has been very helpful indeed.
I walked out after 16 years two kids. It's painful feel like I lost still
Mine discarded me and absolutely timed it. Everything got executed around this timing and I didn’t even see it. Regardless of how I feel i was blindsided- I remind myself it’s better than any day I spent in misery with him. I’m just thankful we didn’t share children or more time together.
Harder when u break up. When u initiate . Because u r still in love with them abs know they r not good for u. Grieving already and it’s extremely courageous to go against ur heart and standing up for urself. I am not sure if they ever break up , the only thing they do is RUN or ghost u. It’s actually upto u if u wanna wait for hoover or move ahead.
This is so true!
Dr. Romani, you are absolutely on point with this. He discarded me and was uncharacteristically calm and nice throughout the separation and divorce. What I was unaware of at the time was that, yes, he was already establishing new supply. It’s definitely going to be a long road for my recovery but for once in my life, I’m going to work on myself and hopefully never attract one of these monsters again.
Deanna Larkin,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are not with a narcissist…..
Thank you for validating the feelings I have and helping me take steps to leave this situation. It is so hard because your heart needs time to accept what your mind already knows, that you’re in a toxic, manipulative, degrading situation that you don’t know why you want to stay…
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for posting this video. I am currently going through a divorce for almost 2 years, and everything you said is true. Due to power and control, it is a long process because I filed for divorce. Going no contact, having cameras around my home, and going to therapy helped me live another day. I have endured hoovering, flying monkeys, smear campaigns, attorney fees, assets division, etc. I am thankful for your community because it has helped me keep my sanity and advocate for myself.
Learn and continue to repeat Psalm 91 daily. It’ll keep you strong and sustain angels around you. There are also other Psalms that cry out to YAH for vengeance. Learn and repeat those as well. Your ex will be sorry!!!
@@CodyCole80 Amen!!! Thank you.
i went through all that but finally i divorced..painful experience indeed
Same here. Praying for your survival through it all! It is a living hell.
I'm so happy for you! I'm currently looking for an attorney. I have no idea how to do this. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. I just want him gone and out of my home. I wish he would just leave me alone already.
I break up with my narcissist and he was angry as hell. He used our little child (custody war) trying to destroy me. This was going for 4 years and I was feeling like Hiob. But there was always this believe in my Heart, that he+his flying monkeys and enablers (his lawyer, the judges, the social services) can hurt me but never break my personality. This believe was motivated from my deepest wish that I will never allow anybody to see me broken, even when I feel broken inside. And I go grey rock, never answered to any message, escape from his friend circle etc.
He broke up with me and did me a favor. Thank you for your validation in your brilliance Dr. Ramani.
I love this! I left my husband 11 years ago. Everything in this video was exactly how things went in our divorce. Our divorce lasted 3 years with constant battle of custody of our 3 kids and he wanted Everything. He wanted me homeless and to have no contact with our kids. The manipulation was insane by him especially with our kids. I was in counseling and had all 3 kids in counseling. He of course thought nothing was wrong with him. He sat outside my house every night and I slept with a bat scared for my life. But since he was more emotionally abusive and would park across the street, authorities couldn't help. He tried everything to make me look crazy. I could write you a book of all the things he did to me during that time. In the end, the judge seen right through his narcissistic ways and I was awarded full custody and the house. He was given every other weekend visitation. The judge pointed out in our last court date that his decision came not only from the affidavits I submitted but also because of my ex-husband thinking he didn't need counseling. Life got better after the divorce. I remarried my college sweetheart and started enjoying life. Fast forward to today. My oldest daughter is married with kids, my one daughter is in college, and my son is a senior. Last year my ex got in a new relationship. He is once again gaslighting and manipulating my kids and making me out to be a bad person to his new girlfriend. He is trying to form a new family with his new girlfriend and trying to be dad of the year. He has never been responsible for the kids ever. My youngest has told me that his Dad talks terrible about me and has his new girlfriend believing I am a monster who took everything from him. His new girlfriend has even sent me terrible texts about how awful I am. He has her so convinced that I am crazy. I do have issues due to being in that relationship but I continue to be in counseling, I have a wonderful husband and, I gave my kids a great home. One thing I still struggle with today is confrontation. I either completely shut down or I blurt out something that I didn't really mean. I am glad I got out of the marriage and would do it again. When I got remarried was when it really hit me how unhealthy and abusive my first marriage was. Definitely a difference between my current marriage and my first. Like I can cut my hair anyway I like now. I agree that it takes strength and courage. My advice is go to counseling, only call him if an emergency, if you need to tell him something about the kids use text and send it also to someone you trust (so he can't lie to your kids about what you said), and the hardest of all is healthy co-parenting. I am hoping someday my kids will recognize that I was always there for them and never talked bad about their dad but my ex wasn't there and talked terrible about me. Best Wishes
Perfect timing I just did wow!🤯
Haha same. Stay strong. It will be worth it
Yay… for you!!! 👍🏻
My experience was that it not possible to "break up". What I had to do was not answer calls and texts... I just had to essentially go "no contact" to execute the "break up"... Simply saying we are broken up had no effect, the abuse cycle went on as usual....
Yes i gre
This. I broke up and he didn't respect it and I had weak boundaries so we ended up in weird situationships. Finally realized I couldn't expect him to respect the boundaries because he'd stepped all over them the whole relationship. So I set a hard one and now we're broken up at least on my end.
It's a blessing to break up with the narcissist!! Don't let them rent space in your head!
It is harder for me to take the first step to break up with the narcissist because I was gaslighting myself for so long to excuse their behavior.
Same...I'm going through it now
While we shouldn't break up with people over and over the first time we have less than 100% total agreement, we don't want to keep "enduring" steamroller tactics, minimizing and invalidation over and over. If you feel constantly criticized, drained of energy, your enthusiasm has dimmed far too much and you are walking around much more quiet than you used to be, then my layman's advice is this: If you are putting up with these narcissistic tactics:
BREAK UP! - before you get broken. And--
Remember this quote (it isn't mine). It speaks sooo accurately against Narcissism.
"Don't walk in front of me. I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me. I may not lead.
Just walk beside me. and be my friend."
That way, no one is bossed around. You can do your own thing. The other person is welcome to join you. But if they don't, you will still exercize your freedom and enjoy what you wanted to do anyway. (smile) Live Free. Feel Joy.
It cost me everything, even almost my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you help make sense of it all. Six years past, the air is clear again.
I am so speechless... Everything you're saying in this video is about my ex and the way he;s been treating me and treating now our break up. Every single word you say is exactly what he does... And I was sitting and thinking that I was bad, I was wrong, and what he said is right. Thank you so much Dr Ramani for this video and for opening my eyes ❤
Getting broken up with i had waves of intense pain, lonliness and anger, then it becomes liberating and you build so much strength and self worth.Breaking up with them is a circus of temptation, dissapointment,constant self doubt,regret and frustration. In my opinion... Getting broken up with provided more self growth and a smoother road out , without as many setbacks and mental torment.
My garage has been his storage unit for almost a year now. He ended our marriage after he discarded me out of nowhere and then thought we could just be friends with benefits. During a check up with our family doctor, I realized the panic attacks I was experiencing for the first time in my life were occurring only after I had any contact with him. My doctor made me realize I needed to move on with my life. Since then, I am ensuring all loose ends are being wrapped up. Your words really resonated with me. He thought he could keep some little hooks in me and he could just go about his merry little life as if everything was fine. I finally had to lay it out for him…I can not be your friend. Get out of my life.
My ex's stuff is still in my basement 9 years later! I have started disposing of it and it's a monumental task. I have to check every thing since I found my things in his boxes.
OMG disposing of his hoarded belongings from my home after he left it all behind without a backward glance was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. It was expensive and exhausting but so worth it. It took me 6 months but finally I felt free of the responsibility as he used leaving his belongings behind as a means to continue to have power over my personal space, even though he was physically gone. He knew I would worry about it and feel responsible and stressed which is why he left it all with me. Awful. Never again. Dr R should do a vid on the narcissist using hoarding and possessions as a means of control because it is really common.
The garage... Apparently that's a thing😁
Please, get his stuff out of your garage asap. 🙏🏾
@@minttea9162 my soon to be ex-narc was a hoarder. He has finally gotten most of out of the garage though. As he got the pile down, he didn’t even recognize some of the crap! I lean towards being a minimalist so I’ve been re-painting and decorating the inside of my home. It was extremely therapeutic after putting up with his hoarding tendencies. I could never touch any of his stuff or he’d blow a gasket! Lol The really helpful topic this video covers is them leaving their s$&@ behind. It clarified certain things for me for sure.
You are so right on both situations. They will always blame you in both cases, no matter what💔 Particularly the behavior of the narcissist trying to make it difficult for the ex partner,.despite they are in a new relationship, is very confusing. Why would they do that If they were happy with the new supply? It never made sense to me until I learned with you. In spanish, there is a very well known proverb for tbis situation " El perro de Lord Telano ni come, ni deja comer". Narcissists struggle to move on, they are never happy no matter what. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your education. Always so valuable and helpful💖
I left him and it was hard. The “relationship” was hard and the discard was hard. He punished me, stalked and harassed me relentlessly, and destroyed my car multiple times after I discarded him.
With regards to the "rages" I experienced during the 25 years of marriage with a maliginant narcissist w/ an anti-social personality disorder is NIGHT AND DAY. Don't get me wrong, the first 25 years of emotional rape I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. However, his behavior and his "rages" since I left and implemented "NO CONTACT" has been one of the most frighting, painful and traumatic time in my life. I left in 2/2019 and went into hiding and as of today he still continues with all of the behavior that Dr. Ramani speaks of. The feeling of being so fearful of your own safety every time you walk outside is crippling and exhausting, BUT I WOULD DO IT (LEAVE) AGAIN, TO GAIN MY SANITY BACK.
I left 04/2019 and it was pure hell after I left. I still suffer from PTSD but I’m better than when I was with him.
I broke up with her but instead of talking about it, she immediately blocked me so she could feel like she broke up with me. Lots of rage and gaslighting.
It took me a year of self isolation, staying in a tiny room under one roof till I finally got legal aid and divorced. During this period, every time I would pass by this vampire, I cursed him terribly, leaving dirty dishes, place for him to clean up. I really abused him even though it was very difficult to do. He was shrinking inside out, but did not confront me. Now he is boycotting to return my finances he stole and invested under his name, refuses to pay court mandated spousal support, the court put an arrest on his salary payments, if continues, will face jail. I am at the sea, recovering... regained my sleep, appetite, zest for life... at age 72, loaded with health problems, but jubilant.
Congratulations!
❤😊
I get it. I so get it. Just know that somebody understands enough of what you may have endured to feel blessed in a moments worth of sanctuary.
Awe. Healing & love to You.
It was my child… But thank you Dr. Ramani for your kind words and for people that are in bad relationships!
But a child… It’s a whole different ball game!😢
im so thankful for these videos. im a young woman leaving what i now believe was a narcissistic relationship, it’s extremely confusing, and with me having a personality disorder it just makes it even more conflicting for my brain, im so grateful I have any kind of guidance.
Dr Ramani has become my mentor, educator, mother, sister, friend and a supporter throughout my excruciatingly painful journey with my narcissist ex. I don’t know what I will do without her and all of her sound advice and vital information. Thank you so much Dr Ramani! 🙏
I just broke up with one and luckily I have been watching your videos and it’s happening word for word. Thank you for putting this out here because if I didn’t know I would be a mess right now.
Dr. Ramani I admire your insight on this topic of dealing with a narcissist. All of what you said in this video touched home for me. I felt like I was re-living my experiences with her all over again.
Well I went about 20 rounds with the Narc until I left. And this was so much better. I was just finally done. But early on when he discarded me it was terrible. Awful pain. After I realized who he was I left and I feel so relieved.
I recently broke up with a narcissist that happened to be my daughter's ice skating coach.(I know, I know). Anyhoo, her mask hit the floor FAST! I was thrown by her behavior and sought info, which brought me here. As I learned how to greystone, that left my daughter as the target and sadly, she fired "us" two weeks outside of a competition. The silver lining is that these videos made me aware she would try this, and I already had a new coach lined up. She did NOT expect that, and we just competed this weekend, and my daughter beat her students that skated in the same division. God is good!!! My daughter even showed her respect on the podium with a high five, but turned to me and smiled as she knew she won on a much bigger level. These videos are GOLD! Thank you...
I love this - what a lovely & emotionally intelligent daughter your have!
Greystone works, they get very angry indeed.
Harder to be discarded after 6 years of abuse until you believe their devaluing. I was actually convinced that I was an abuser (her actual words) and so I still watch these with a fear and worry that I am a narcissistic abuser... My family, wife, friends insist I am not abusive in any way, but there was so much trauma and abuse, that I still find very difficult to internalize.
The covert narc project their shell upon their supply. It's awful. Glad you're healing & have support 💞
My ex tried to do the same to me. I loved her so I began to believe her. Then, with time and no contact, I finally had the mental space to assess things clearly. Suddenly she didn't seem so desirable and I realise that I must have had terrible taste in women 🤣
I'm free and I'm very grateful that I'm not stuck with a broken black hole of a person who would never be able to sustain a healthy relationship.
I experience the same thoughts. I’ve cried and prayed asking for forgiveness thinking such things about myself that they said about me.
My mother said to my ex he was an abuser cuz he left me alone and pregnant after taking 15.000 from me.he turned around to be the victim and that I was the abuser and toxic. An excuse to run away with the money and to not assume the baby
It took me 8 years to leave my narcissistic ex. This one was physical, mental and emotional abuse. Everything you’re saying is pretty much a description of him.
I’ve learned so much from you about those 8 long years, I understand so much more
youre amazing. im in tears from the validation right now. thank you