What happens when the Narcissist Loses control over you?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
- In relationships with narcissistic people, sooner or later people begin to realise something's not quite right. They may set boundaries, go Grey Rock, no contact and so on. So what happens when a narcissistic person realises they are losing control over someone? In this video outlines some of the common behaviours including vindictiveness, trauma bonding and manipulation.
If you find this video helpful or interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon.
/ dfmagee
#narcissism #narcissistic #DarrenMagee
The videos I make are requested by you the viewers. Please feel free to suggest any mental health related topics you might like me to cover in the future.
Thank You Sir
I would love for you to explore the physiological similarities that might be seen in narcissistic/psychopathic brains.
Hi Darren, I'd like some tips on getting to a place of acceptance because holy moly I'm not there yet. I understand the dysfunctional dynamic in my family and that it revolves around my mother. *But how can I accept it? how can I know what I know and be at peace with it?* be like, yeh, ah sure they're flawed but aren't we all. How can I get to that place of insouciance. Excuse my French.
I've had 18 months of therapy. I think I was boring myself talking about it. So I took a break. I have been practicing self-compassion from the work book my therapist recommended and it has helped a bit I think. But I'm not there yet. It still hurts. I only have one life and I'm furious that my parents are causing me to live it in pain.
Acceptance is a topic I’ll be discussing in a future video so stay posted. I hope you find it helpful
When I called my sister out on her bahavior, she told me never to call her again. It's been a happy and peaceful year!!
behaviour
Yes!!!
Fantastic! I’m happy for you! 🌺🌸🌷🌺
Mannn I can relate to that
That’s the same thing that happened to me too except it was my “foster” mom. She told me to never contact her again
When a narcissist can't control you, they control the way others see you.
That's what I deal with
Sorry means Sorry for your luck (their words)
Or try to at least. If others see through their attempts, they won't be successful.
100%!! Spot on
My ex would wait days after an argument then accuse me of saying things that I never said.
My friend's ex boy friend tried to turn us against her instead he got a flurry of nasty texts from us in support of her. Uk
The best thing you can do with a narcissist is get away from them completely.
Agreed, coz all the time it's not their fault.. always blaming you for everything. Better avoid them at all costs. I experienced this from my ex before and it was horrifying and actually destroyed my self esteem and created doubts in myself
Absolutely. Don't tell them you're leaving and don't look back. This is the most dangerous time of your life with a narcissist. They can easily become violent if they think they are losing control over you.
Absolutely!
Hard to accomplish when it’s your adult child. I cut her off for 2 years..that helped, but I have to maintain control as the mother, make her stay in the boundaries I set, and shut her down when she tries to manipulate again or blame others. I read a lot to understand the devastation she created, figuring it out was incredibly helpful and it allowed me to regain control of the situation.
My oldest daughter blew up the family emotionally in 2016 and it was everyone else except for her. I stopped all communication until the end of 2018. That helped incredibly, and in that time I read, I searched, I listened and I learned. When I finally said I would talk to her on my terms it was with strong boundaries that I maintain..and it’s a constant vigilance. I stop communicating when she steps over the line. She tried to turn her siblings and my best friend of 35 years against me to isolate me, it failed thank goodness. It also showed her hand to everyone at the same time and that was what made the difference. It’s been 5 years and it still requires that I not allow her an inch, it took a long time to see my triggers and not let her use them. It’s very hard, a million tears cried trying to figure her out. She was not coddled or spoiled and no other narcissistic or covert-aggressive behavior in the family. She didn’t show this behavior at all until she started succeeding in her career in her 20’s and it worsened as her weight went out of her control. Don’t give up, please read..listen..learn. You have to regain your place as the mother, not their child, if you’re dealing with the narcissist child..that’s what I’ve learned.
I love that quote - “they wet the bed and blame the blanket” - Perfect description!
Me too…Great way to describe a personality trait using only 8 words. Was 😂..
That is a ridiculous analogy. There are physical reasons for enuresis, one of which is abuse. It is an ignorant comment.
Oh! Is that why trump wears a diaper? Lol.
women
Wow, that hits the nail right on its head.
In my experience, when a control freak runs out of control. He/she will try and control how everyone else thinks about you!
a very true statement , such very sad individuals they must be when they are alone
Well if you are such an awful person, you did them a favour! So they shouldn't complain to others if you go no contact. That proves they are the problem. Can't get over no!
Exactly.
Yes, they bad mouth you to your kids.
@@georgesontag2192 And defame us in their negative comments to everyone they meet that mention us. Many see the agenda they have. We have one great advantage, they are predictable, we KNOW how they will act. We can predict that there will always be the same problems. We may talk ourself out of our gut feeling, we shouldn't.
Life lesson: do NOT give these sick people any information of which they will attempt to use against you. Just don’t tell them anything about you. This has helped me tremendously.
Yep your right.
Exclude them and leave them out.
They get slowly cut off until you’ve completely disconnected.
You're absolutely right..I've found that too brings me so much peace🤗...your hopes and dreams💕 are their nightmares💔.. ...peace of mind is so amazing after dealing with narcissist aka control freaks🤷♀️🤷♀️family members..as it been said when one person is happy😆😁 another person is mad😠😡...its sad we cant be happy together as family.. When that cant happen its time to step back out of the nonsense...bc its a merry- go- round....never stopping unless you stop it...stay alert to the craziness of 👪 family members...
When they ask, "What's new?" I say, "I have nothing new to report."
It gets boring really fast, but it works for me.
They will make some up anyway :D
?Who made them sick?
The immense feeling of relief when you cut ties should tell you that you have done the right thing.
the relief comes with heart break especially when it is with family but it is liberating.
This is so, so true!
yes, shut them out and don't deal with them again.
@rozwood1668 I've felt extremely relieved when highly narcissistic individuals have stopped contact, or avoid me, especially when they're the types who are vindictive!
I've found that it's often more difficult with "partners" and family members, depending on the person and situation, though. ❤
I'm cutting ties with my brother and his girlfriend I'm done yep I'm literally a slave here in gonna pack and leave I'm done
I think when a narcissist says, "I love you" or "I will always love you, " they really mean something like, "I own you" or "I will always target and seek to control and manipulate you."
Open Season.
true
"I need to be able to control you to survive."
My mother and brother treat me like I’m their possession, without any rights 😭😭
In my case, and as I tried to explain to my ex and my "mom", when they say "I love you", it simply means "I love the way you love me". They are NOT capable of loving anybody. They get angry when they lose their victim. My 2 cents.
I have found with a narcissist that the “apology” tends to be vague and they never really admit to anything specific. Meanwhile when they are complaining about your behaviours, you will get a very detailed list.
So true. Absolutely truth. Eventually they will bring it up again or do it again ,then it starts all over again.
mom and ex!!😂😂😂😂💔💔life
I have had this too just a sarcastic soooorrrry
They WILL NOT go "deeper" , because it is far too painful for them - it may break them psychologically, truth be told. Most of their behavior is based on the SPIRIT OF FEAR. And fear is one of the most powerful demonic spirits in the satanic/demonic hierarchy . Yes, it is every bit demonic, nothing less.
I hope Will Smith sees your video. He might be able to distance himself from his narcissist wife once he sees her in a rational way free from her controlling emasculation and destructive behavior. You described her to a tee.
“They wet the bed and blame the blanket” This expression really got me rolling on the floor.
😂😂😃
They never wrong
Blame shifting, deflection. Never accepting accountability.
I know. Me, too ! Toooo hilarious !
@@HT-sg9pl How about this ? " I'm not always right but I'm never wrong " She meant it, even when she tried to make me think she was joking.
Emotional cruelty takes on a whole other meaning and they care about no one.
Profoundly disturbed individuals
A narcissist is controlling berates you run as fast as you can
I had to file divorce, her boyfriend is HIV positive. Then I allowed a reschedule of her first missed appointment. That's when false accuse & using that boyfriend as her false witness happened. She answers the filing with that word "cruelty". She had to know how that would effect me, either that or both came together with the strategy. Make her look like poor abused little old me. Disproving lies with a witness is far too expensive. Still guilty on paper here.
The closest I ever got to an apology was "If I did that, then I'm sorry". Qualifying it with the "if" means they don't accept responsibility for their actions.
"I'm sorry IF you feel that way about it, but you should listen to me", "I'm sorry IF you think of me that way, but you're wrong", "I'm sorry IF you got offended, but that's the way I speak" - the list never ends. Also "Thank you, glad you listened to my advice", "Thank you, I could've done it myself", "Thank you, I've seen others do this too".
Omg, happened exact same thing with me.
@@sixten8493 Spot on!!
I was told, " I'm sorry if you feel that way."
This is what I received from my narc today, its like your message., I have applied for divorce.
" I am sorry again, please forgive me if I did anything to upset you."
Yes, IF ? What is that!
I have yet to hear a narcissist apologize. They must believe they are never wrong.
What ever they do, is an act. The next person that sees them gets a different act. .....somehow they know they are the only person in the world who knows all they know and are dead serious................its a cliche now but look how our last "president" pulled this know it all act non stop. The only truth was out of his mouth. Only he could fix it.............usually fixing a problem he totally created.
And even if they do apologise… they never mean it
They will twist it and accuse you of what they are doing. They never admit they did anything.
Their apology is usually to shut you up
Mine would apologize, anf love to play the remorseful victim. „I am sorry, I was wrong. I know I am not perfect. Now you HAVE to forgive me, take me back, apologize for your part, not remind me EVER about the many horrific things I did to you and pretend they never happened and accept part blame as YOUR behavior drove me to it…
"They wet the bed, and blame the blanket."
Perfectly said!
Lol
sometimes i mean, it is the blankets fault ok. cause i just wanted to lay dwn n b warm n snuggly n then boom i woke up 14 hrs later
beautiful saying I will create war with sibling if you use this one 😂
Great analogy
Lol true 👍 🤣 😆 😅 😂 😄
This guy knows what he is talking about. These kinds of people would rather see you die than to let you escape their grasp. I know personally.
Sometimes... They can change that if they see people recognize it's going on.
Wow, this describes my ex 100%, started off being the perfect gentleman.... flowers, romantic gestures, etc.etc. then bit by bit, chipped away at every last bit of me... 25+ years always thinking try a little harder, perfect home, garden , cook... didn't like my friends, eventually one day I realised that if I was on my own, I could work a lot less & have peace... 21 years have passed & I've NEVER regretted 1 nano second
It's so gradual, isn't it? That why my "mother" is blocked by most of the family, and also why I'm single for the rest of my life too
Good on you both and not regretting the decision at all is a sure sign that it was the right one, which I can relate to! 🙂
She had the worst selection of friends unless it was guys. Divorced Single Moms, Sisters that used/twisted husbands around, never teaming with them & divorcing or killing them off. The guys were like always taking her away, life in his car. It wouldn't ever end. Meanwhile I'm working & building constantly. Years of this, then Entitlements time, boyfriend sees his cut.
Have the similar experience with narcissist husband getting divorced now. Feeling better but worried about the kid who behaves the same. Always gaslighting on the kid too. Don’t know how to protect from his manipulation with the kid. Any thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.” - Karla Grimes
Always!
@@NickyM_0 God bless you 🕊️🍀🙏Hope lifes treating you extremely kindly now
@@evelina787 Thank you for those blessings! And you too! 💕😍💐🌻
@@NickyM_0 So thoughtful & kind🕊️👍🍀🙏Praying God gives you the best bec@use you deserve 🕊️👍🍀🙏
aren't all the people commenting on this video also playing the victim card?
Best advice I got from a therapist. "Well, you can't win with a narcissist." Suddenly a weight was remove from my shoulders.
Or with a borderline
On a similar note: Best advice I got? "if you're in a situation and you see people doing or saying things that they want to guilt you or make you angry, leave. Doesn't matter if it's family or friends....just leave. There's no law that says you have to sit there and take it".
When the Narcissist has your son and your grandchildren whom she has not allowed you to see until she feels she has the apology she deserves ( she being the arbiter of that apology) there really is no hope.
@@muskokamike127
@@muskokamike127 So true !!! Just leave ,and never ever look back .Freedom 🤩
Good for you. I cut my sister out of my life because I was fed up with her know-all, abusive behaviour. My life is so much better now that she's not in it.
There's an old blues song you'll love, the main lyric to Google says... "Life will be better, when you're not in it!"
Very cathartic song, the ultimate for letting go! 😂❤
This is so my mother-in-law. She is such a toxic person and after 38 years, I have decided to go no contact with her. Talking to her about her behavior and inappropriate things she's said did not do any good so I sent her an email. She printed the email and confronted me with it. She was angry and defensive and claimed it was all lies. When we started going through the things I talked about in the email, she would swear up and down something never happened OR she would remember it differently where I was the one to blame and she was the victim. I videotaped our meeting and it's quite amusing to see her in her narcissistic rage. She threw temper tantrums. She held her breath, gritted her teeth, stomped her feet, lied, played the victim, called me names, screamed, yelled, and even growled at me. She's a horrible hypocrite. She meddles in everyone's business. She treats her son (my husband) like he's her husband instead of her son. She tells you what you are supposed to do and how you are supposed to feel. I am a quiet, shy person and she's a loud mouth. I was expected to change to meet her standards. She is a master manipulator. And this woman is 80 years old!
I have one like this. She's 84 now and I hope she lives to be 100 as she's so miserable.
The world doesn't make any sense anymore.I told myself evil people - Luceferians - are in master control. Now ,when i see some people being mean ,cruel , unnatural,i think they are demon possessed.( Thats the only way i can make sense of things .) You're MIL is demon possessed . I think.
“There is simply no winning with a narcissist. They will treat you so horribly, that you will become withdrawn and depressed, and then, they will turn around, and say, ‘You’re no fun anymore, you’re always so depressed. I need to be with someone more positive.’” - Susan Williams
Yes, they chip away at you constantly. and when the straw breaks the camels back and you react, they become the victim and blame you. I lived it.
@@spir5102 God bless you 🍀🙏I'm happy that it's now pssed tense "lived it" so you're not living,,, it 🍀🙏God bless you & hope lifes treating you extremely kindly now
I got involved with a narcissist at work and it cost me my job and my mental health. She started hanging out with a coworker literally a week after I threatened to just be friends if she didn’t stop. She reacted by luring me in further before pulling the rug out
@@ArcanumAscent So sorry to hear this Seems she ws trying to mnipulte & control, & intimidte you Truly hope you're in a much better sitution now, God bless you 👍🍀🙏
@@evelina787 thanks I’m still in a bad place but working on it
1. Give up on any relationship with them
2. Grieve for the loss of what wasn't and what will never be
3. Make a get out plan and stick to it, and don't share it with anyone
4. Get help so you don't carry the burden of their abuse for the rest of your life
5. Smile and tell them however you tell them "we're done" when you finally give yourself permission to go no contact
ngl I shoulda done this, but the way I did go out was awesome. I basically lashed out at him for not apologizing for rude things he said in the past, he didnt completely own up to them ("I'm sorry I made you feel that way, I didn't realize I was hurting you"), you know, that B.S, and I lashed out more remembering more things he needed to apologize for.
Fast forward to later, and he made me apologize for doing that, but when he was scolding me I realized that I mustve really gotten into his head because he did this whole victim routine where he said "I never did anything wrong to anyone' and "you dragged me through the mud." Although at face value these things could be upsetting, in hindsight I was amused. I really did hurt his ego by yelling at him over text, huh? lol.
Anyway, this was unrelated but your list reminded me of that. Narcissism is a hell of a drug, haha
Depart without a word. That thing you thought was a person, wasn't. It's not worth talking to. Cut the memory. Extinguish the hold it has on your imagination.
Cut All ties with them! Clean break &
they don't need an explanation because they won't get it and they will turn on you and also play the victim.
I like your plan, I would've thought almost the same steps.
Excellent answer.
I finally called out my wife, and then she filed for divorce. No more source, No more need.
Lesson: Leave the relationship once you figure out what's going on and how they are. Be happy, don't tolerate their manipulation. Just observe them, laugh as much as you can, sing, dance, do whatever you like. Seeing you happy is a pain for them; watch how they burn inside.
Like Jesus said, it's like pouring hot coals all over them lol
That can be dangerous, as they get more violent seeing you happy. There goal is to have you below them at all times, and you being happy will make them do anything to bring you down, including threatening your life.
Best to keep quiet.
In an age of narcissism a typical response is "I'm sorry you feel that way". They never take responsibility for what they've said or done.
That is so true and a true sickness. They can never self reflect, in which there is no growth. Goodbye!
My response the last time I heard this false apology was "You can't apologize for my feelings, you can only apologize for your actions."
@@AnnieAtRecess I've said that too but then they say they're sorry I feel that way. It's like Grandma's nightgown -- it covers everything. Absolute frustration.
The "apology" I always got was...... *"Well, I'm SORRY you don't want to hear the TRUTH!"* Yeah right, they are wonderful because in their twisted, toxic view they are "helping" you for your own good. They think they deserve a medal or something.
It's has become very interesting to me how a narcissist never takes responsibility for the hurt and pain they cause in a relationship. I don't have a problem of him slandering or shaming me thru family or his friends (and if he did do this it would have no affect on me). He is not computer literate and doesn't use a cell phone. The challenge is getting him to go.
She- “Youll never find anyone that cares like me.”
Me- “God I hope youre right!”
Celebrating 34 years of bliss this October with a woman that is nothing like the last one.
Yet here you are, 34 years later, still talking about her lol
@@Tre16
I pretty much talk about whomever i want when ever i want but thanks for your input. Lol
I'm on year 10 with the love of my life after 8 years of hell with my narcissistic ex-husband.
@@Tre16 Topic of the video - Narcissistic people
What he talked about - A narcissistic person
What traits are you displaying right now - Read the title
Lol 😂
God bless everybody everywhere, who is struggling you are important. God loves you cry out to him, give all your prayers and concerns to Christ. You deserve the best in life.
Amazing insight into narcissist behaviour by Darren. Many thanks.
Victims need to listen and understand every word of this video.
One of the hardest things about having a narcissistic mother is coming to that realization and truly becoming aware of how many years of your life they affected
I am with you. My hardest part was when I realized that my mother, did not nor would ever truly love me as a maternal mother loves. Also how many lies that were surrounding me about myself and those around me.
For me it was hardest when i looked back in my life as a little kid with my memories with my mum, it felt false now and fake
This is what I am going through lately. So many things I regretted, but now realize that my mother caused/controlled.
Can any of you share what happened in your life that finally broke through and made you realize your mom was a narcississt? And more so, once realized, what made you decide to endure the wrath of separating yourself?
@@cindybaker7153 how did you come to realize this? Before you realized it, were you oblivious to her behavior?
*That didn't happen...And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was bad, it's no big deal. And if it is a big deal, it's not my fault. And if it was my fault, I didn't mean it. And if I did mean it, you deserved it.* I saw this description years ago and it seems to fit!!
Oh my gosh. Thanks for sharing. This is so profound. Their ability to “walk around” or talk around any scenario is so convincing, so credible. These people work their magic on others, captivating them, while to the horror of the victim, who is left without support or defense in this exchange. Imagine this happening in the courtroom. The victim of the abuse is now victim of a wrongful judgement in a legal matter. A victim without friends , as the narc sways their minds. A victim without their children, as the kids have been manipulated by the narc to despise the “wrong” parent. This parent with every awful characteristic projected onto them by the narc. This is my life!
A perfect description of an evening a few years back when i confronted her .. you have to be there and see it to believe it .. they will swear black is white .. truly sad people .. but not my problem anymore .. I thank god for having enough about me despite the drip drip abuse affect to call her out and be strong .. thats when you realise they are actually very very weak people and only give off an aura of strength.
IT'S SO TRUE!!!
Janice Walker ooouu..this touched my soul
People have used this exact quote to describe Trump, who was also a narcissist.
Ive come to realize that my husband of 12 years is a covert Narcissist, his brutal discard is what woke me up. Hes the cheater yet hes smearing me like im the monster. They wet the bed and blame the blanket made me laugh, every time he drank alcohol like a lush, he would literally piss the bed. Good luck to the secretary from his work who thinks she "won" my husband
you are describing my mother's behaviour towards me, even when I had a breakdown and had considered suicide,she was more concerned of whether I had told anyone she may be the cause of the breakdown and said I had blamed her for it,which I did'nt,I had said the situation between us had made me ill,years of emotional abuse and lack of genuine love,gaslighting,lying about me and I had never heard of Narcissism.I now have had no contact for around 15 years and now know what its like to live a normal free life with my own family,free of dreading the phone ringing or walking on egg shells,feeling unloved and worthless.
Well done you.
I knew what the word means but didn't know it is a mental disorder or so prevalent until about 8 years ago. So much fell into place with that knowledge. For instance,i have a sister who isnt nice looking but she thought she was beautiful. She was the oldest and sneaky pet. While i - the scapegoat- had all my self esteem gone by adulthood. I just thought my sister didnt suffer verbal abuse, therefore she had oodles of self esteem. I was the smartest and the prettiest and didn't have a clue until i was 60 years old !!!!
yes… make sure legally you aren’t responsible for her as she ages … as an only child I was still held legally responsible for her care as an elder … it was my worst nightmare come true … I did the right thing but had no choice being the last living child … protect yourself based on your states laws .
When you finally tell a narcissist to stay out of your life forever, they tell everyone you're a backstabber.
I told one that I literally don't care what he says about me or to who, which was true, but I am just not putting up with manipulative behavior.
or the '' you are so ungrateful ! ''
@@kitkatt6357 So true!
My mother ... to a T 🙄
@@kitkatt6357 yes... "after all I've done for you" 😒
“How dare you have boundaries with me!”, screamed my mother many years ago.
Cripes! At least the leopard showed its spots so vividly!
OMG my mom actually said the same thing to me! She couldn't stand the fact that I won't answer my phone till 8:00 am. She asked about emergencies and I told her that's the only reason to call before 8. Of course she still tried, and I didn't answer.
My mother....
"No? What do you mean no? You don't tell me no!!!"
Later....
"I don't remember that."
Or...
"I didn't/never said that."
We haven't spoken in 6 years. It's been nice!
What about throwing herself on the floor and say that she needs medical help???? I am a man and it happened to me. I was an only child. My dad did not know how to handle her.
A girl I recently dated told me “you will NOT add things up in regards to me anymore!” and in response to her ever-changing stories.
Human cancer.
You just described everything my mother put me through when I started challenging her behaviour years ago. Thank you for sharing this.
My entire family, except for my little brother, is narc. I'm lucky to even have my brother because the narc's almost got him to believe their lies. Thankfully he and I went to a music festival together for a couple years. A few recreationals, and some heavy discussions allowed my brother to see from my angle. To understand who I am, and how the stories and fables are so far from the truth.
My little brother stopped contact when my grandmother bit him during a fist fight when he was 16.
She owed his other grandparents like $1000 for months.
When my brother confronted her, and she said she wasn't going to pay, he said he was going to his other grandparents house.
My grandmother tried stopping him. Got physical, and bit him.
When I tried moving out at 19, I had to call the cops to escort me off the property, and to ensure my belongings weren't touched.
Damn... this brings up some tough memories.
More to come....
What worked for me, was " Love them as best as you can, and leave them where they are"
I LOVE MYSELF 💕🥰The BEST I Can And Keep IT Moving.... IT'S ABOUT TIME Done With The Ungrateful.
So very true. You can not change them. 😢
Love them from a distance.
Interesting...
I'm going fishing.
I had the misfortune to have a narcissistic father, then husband and finally a partner who kept it covered for about 8-10 years - then all the things you talked about started happening. When I left (after 17 years)there were tears and sorry's galore but no real remorse. He then stalked me for several months - but I escaped and am healing from it all. Starting a new life at 70 is interesting but exciting too - bring it on!
Alice, I am 5 years behind you and had the exact same sequence of events. Father, husband (25 years) and a partner who dumped me for someone else in our social circle after 7 years. I thought he was my soulmate at long last and was truly devastated when he literally exchanged me for her. I started putting together the pieces afterwards and discovered common threads throughout all the relationships, behaviours which I thought were normal (having being raised by a narcissistic father). Only after the last breakup did I learn about narcissism and NPD. At last it all makes sense and at 65 I too am ready to take on the rest of my life with a new enthusiasm. I feel so empowered by this knowledge. FYI my dad just passed away 2 months ago at 94. He was a larger than life character who overcame terrible childhood trauma, accomplished much in his life and was admired by many. But he had another side to him... for example, I found out that he cheated on my mother who was a saint of a woman, whom he loved and relied on for so much. Perhaps not so strangely, I don't miss him but feel truly peaceful and at ease for perhaps the first time in my life.
@@catbirdler I find it so sad that so many people suffer at the hands of narcissists and feel that they are in some way inadequate or to blame when truth is they are not. Cindy I wish you a very happy future hold your head high because you got through it. Believe in yourself and be proud of who you are - a kind and lovely lady who deserves to be loved with kindness. All the best from Alice.
This is so empowering, Alice. I’m 40. Thank you so much for inspiring and sharing. My father is a narcissist and I’ve recently broken ties. Have been fortunate enough not to seriously date or marry a narcissist because my father’s actions made me hyper sensitive to any issue or any sign someone gives me. Which is a whole issue within itself! Anyway, thank you.
I am 63 and feel the same about my sibling. It was only in the past year, after the death of our father, we quit speaking again and for me, it's the very last time. Life is too short for all that misery. I choose happiness and positivity, no more narcissistic crap! I cannot believe how long it took me to decide enough was enough, no more. I wish you the very best and much happiness due to your choice, congratulations! It is not easy but I know you will find true happiness within yourself and thrive! Please Everyone, Be Safe, Healthy, Happy and most important; Be Kind - Kindness Counts. (p,s, being kind does not mean we become pushovers, ever again!)
Alice wishing you a peaceful healthy happy future xxx
My sister in law is like this totally. I hardly speak to my brother unless she’s not at home. She takes no responsibility for the damage she’s caused to anyone.
They are another breed. The exact same behavior. Both when they try to bait you, and when they are aware you're on to them. I'm a pro recognzing their behavior and scaing them away. I've met more narcissistic people than not. Something in the water?
Nothing in the water. Pure choice. They likr many others all over chose from a young age to live their lives from a place of self-pity and and victimhood. Weak and shallow with zero self respect started early and only ends with their death.
"if they don't admit their own errors...to themselves, they definitely are not going to admit their toxic behavior to you or anyone else."
Ask them what they see in the mirror every day and they'll try to brush it off/make excuses for it. I've had teenage kids that tried pulling the narcissistic card on me multiple times when I worked in a grocery store. Some of them realized real quick that I wasn't going to take that kind of crap from them and changed their attitude fast.
Narcissists' never........never........ never admit their faults. Noooooo........
they might admit them...so that they can do it all over again....
Too bad we have video cameras and audio recorders in our pockets.
They devalue you, insult you, put you down, and push you away.
Yep.
My mother
- to a T
You're lucky if that's all that happens. My boyfriend beat me when he even thought I wasn't under his control.
I wasn't lucky. I was pushed out of a moving vehicle by him. He left me on the side of a busy highway. He did this in the presence of my toddler.
And then expect you to apologise nick
@@MoonwolfeConsultingThe equivalent of 2 criminal Nazis & narcopathic bros. 💔😭🇺🇸
My 💚 and Blessings to you sister.
Got rid of a neighbor who thought she could terrorize us and bark out demands on a daily basis. We finally realized that no matter how nice or accommodating we were to her it would never be enough. She's one of these people who would walk all over you and then complain you're not flat enough. We told her we called the lawyer's office and the sheriff's department, and we haven't heard a peep out of her since. Don't have to listen to anymore gossip, advice I don't want, threats, demands, abuse, etc. Some people will try to destroy your life like they have theirs
I watch a lot of videos on this topic because of my family, and you have the most relatable way of explaining these things. It’s like you recorded my family members. I know lots of people go through this, I just really appreciate how you explain it. Thank you!
Same here. I watched many videos but this was the one that encapsulated exactly why and how these covert narcissists are basically max evil.
“They may apologize but they are not sorry for what they have done. They are sorry that they are suffering repercussions. They are sorry that you can now see them for what they really are.” Boy, did you nail that! They are sorry that they can no longer control you. The jig is up!
Sorry they got caught.
Low Bro I know them personally. They are not born this way. They choose to be selfish over and over again until they have morphed themselves into soul-less monsters. I don’t have sympathy for creeps anymore. Sorry if I struck a chord.
Not born this way. Narcissism is usually a result of abuse or the cycle of narcissism in the family tree. At some point, in the generations, it gets broken.
Liz Alleman The “experts” say it’s caused by abuse. I disagree. I have to say that is not what I’ve seen at all. So far the ones that I know, have been able to control their entire family with manipulation and were given everything they ever wanted. They were the catered to kings and queens of their families. They became used to that. They now see people as objects to be used as they see fit. They never learned empathy and they never learned remorse. Little kings and queens grew up to be big kings and queens.
Their thinking is: I do no wrong. I am always in the right. I am better than everyone else. It is irrelevant what other people’s feelings are. The world and everyone in it is here to serve me and give me what I want but I can’t actually let people know that so let me create this fake nice personality so that I can draw them in. Then the manipulations and the deceptions begin. They literally create a personality that comes across as humble and nice. It’s a complete farce. Of course I’m talking about the covert narcissists. They are about as dangerous as can be.
@Low Bro are you a Narcissist ?❤
For survivors who go no-contact...They 'ghost' for 30-90 days, until they come to terms with the fact you aren't going to return, then they reach out to those you love in order to 1. make you return or 2. enroll the people you love (and still have contact with) into the role they feel you "abandoned"...so, warn your loved ones of what to expect and look out for; but, FOR GOD"S SAKE DON"T RETURN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!
Yeh same here. I moved to another country to get away from him! Three years later he still tries to contact me...ever 30 days or so he will try and call to see if I have unbocked him🤣..I get those blocked notifications. 🤦🏼♀️
@@jayf295 literally same constantly leaving voicemails even when blocked
@@megalightsfan4948 I have had all the bells and whistles with him. Straight from the book. It took me 3 years to finally go no contact and block him. Going on 7 months now uninterrupted. I wish I could tell other victims just how healing no contact is.
Yes that's exactly what my narcissist did. He still stalks me 33 years and 2200 miles later.
@@karlabritfeld7104 Oh God! I pray that I dont have that outcome! Get sick just thinking about it🤢
This just explains everything, I am not the bad person I am being constantly told I am. Hard tho when you do love this person and genuinely care about what they need and want.
Those feelings you mentioned are the ties that bind you to your suffering. You MUST sever them, cut contact, walk away and NEVER look back.
It is the ONLY path to victory when dealing with narcissists...
Have left, October just gone. It’s the emotional feelings of love, caring ect that are still all over the place. @@Markyrvxf
I’ve distanced myself from a lifelong “friend” once I finally realized she was always the victim in her story.
My former best friend, come to think of it i reckon he was bit of a narc. I didn't think it at the time but now going through what his behavioural patterns were like i firmly believe it now
This is my mother. One day I had enough. It’s really hard to try and explain to people why you don’t communicate with your family, but they’re still all under her spell.
You are not alone…. Im done with the toxic mother daughter relationship. My peace is well more worth it!
@@twanamccord411 Same here. Been close to three years now, I'll never live under anyone's thumb like that again, it's been so wonderful to live honestly and free of hostility.
I would maybe never have seen my mother for narcissist she is, if it wasn't for my father's passing.
People who have "normal" mother will never be able to understand/relate. It's ok to leave and protect yourself, good luck and don't fall back into trauma bond.
she poisons anyone we mutually know. And I have taught myself not to mind.
They have such wonderful moms, I get why they don’t get it.
I'm a victim of narcissistic mother. I went no contact 10 years ago. It was the best decision I've ever made.
I understand you might hurt because of her but as a mother I know how it feels when you far from your own Kids & leave you like strangers! instead of doing that, why don't you tell her how you feel & talk about it? I know most of Americans leave early it's because they got job or successful life the way i grew up, isn't like that they don't get out from There Parents house before they get Married! In US When they start living life easily & get everything they want after that they Complain & forget everything what they're parent Sacrifice for them! I'm in this situation so I know how it hurts so much 😢 and When you going to have a child, you might understand how it feels!
@@Metasebiya4 With all due respect, you must not have any idea how vicious and evil these narcissistic mothers can be. And maybe you don't understand that THEY NEVER CHANGE, they only get worse. And maybe you don't understand that the wounds they inflict are so deep, it changes a person. And perhaps you don't understand...they have ZERO compassion, even on their own kids. And maybe you have never heard, they are like vampires that suck your blood at any given chance. And one more thing, maybe you are not aware that too much abuse is not enough abuse according to a narcissist.
The victim side always sucks, especially if the Narc is a family member. Hopefully, she will sober up as she ages before it's too late. Wishing you a pleasant good post Narc life.
14 years since any contact with mine - definitely much better off.
@@Metasebiya4 You understand a parent's feelings but Alex is a *victim* of a parent. If your mother was a spider, would you crawl onto her web so that she could eat you alive? Does a narcissistic parent have any shame or guilt or sympathy for mistreating a child? A narcissistic parent with any level of remorse should see that the end of the relationship is the result, the consequences of the abuse. No more guilt-tripping the adult child, who is finally free from the parent.
gosh... so totally spot on!!! every single bit of what is said here, just went through this having felt the need to finally end a friendship of 19 years during which I had become aware of specific patterns that for a long time I thought I could deal with until it really flew off the rails and I had to choose for Myself and NCEA. Thank you so much for this video!!!!! It so helps me in recovering from that former friendship and strengthens me in my belief that I have done the right thing, eventually!
I have watched this video for a second time, and it was more enlightening the second time than the first. How I know is because it brought great clarity regarding the conduct of some and even greater regarding others.
As always, thank you.
Had a narcissist mother. She brought me to several child psychologists because she thought I was a psychopath, because I couldn't be controlled by her. I know this garbage all too well
I've had similar experiences. It's good that it won't hurt your legal rights unless you ended up having to go to court. So, you can still live your life like a normal citizen after you get away from that relationship and have time to recover.
@@tylerhorn3712 anything to excuse her terrible behavior, and put it on me. She even went so far as to tell my relatives lies about imaginary scenarios in which I looked crazy. She told them I was a nazi. I turned my back on 90% of the family, they had nothing for me other then contempt. No one questioned the Queen Bee's narrative.
Did she drug you to
@@seancollins9745 she tried, I refused rhe Ritalin
Yes I loved my mum she is not with us now. I was taken to see a physiatrist as had an accident that maid me faint. She thought I was pretending and so she took me to the Dr
Dr said there was nothing wrong with me and I was very sensible but wanted to see my mother instead.
If anyone has to deal with a narcissist, whether it’s the parent of your children, a boss, or someone you have to live with, please create boundaries. Keep conversations short and brief. Do not elaborate. Keep conversations in writing too, which helps when they gaslight you 🤷♀️ There’s nothing wrong with you! Your biggest and best weapon is to educate yourself on how to deal with a narcissist.
i find very sad, but unfortunately our sadness matters first
Best advice! I've cut out my parents from my life forever. Now I finally can live my life in peace.
Yep. EMAILS ONLY, with my abusive narc sister, NO phone calls.
Wow, sounds like you're talking about my marriage.
@briantaylor709 that too. A record is a record.
You did a great job on the video man! Moral of the story...the second you realize your involved with a narcissist...record your exit! For legal protection!
Thank you for the calm and clear way you deliver information that is difficult to hear as a person who has just gone "no-contact" with a parent. Wasted many years suck in the narc bubble and was always pulled back into the chaos because of the "guilt" trips.
Oh yes! My mother, a covert narcissist, would tell people, "I am really concerned about her ...."whatever she made up. Made me look bad. And it worked! Her friends thought I was a horrible person. Very validating video. Thank you.
My mother in-law was also a covert narcissist. She kept up appearances but in reality she was a mean spiteful controlling bitch. When she got Alzheimer’s it got worse to the point she was physically and emotionally abusing my father in-law, wife and even my kids. She’s dead now and hopefully burning in hell for the terrible things she did.
Omg this video made me think of my Mom too. My Mom also does the thing of she's "just worried about me" plus telling others that.
I'm 54!
I also still get a feeling of tension and fear if anyone tells me they Love me. Nice, huh?
What bothers me most is relatives or close friends who RECOGNIZE she's messed up but still don't understand or won't believe me about exactly how messed up she is. Or why I won't deal with her because of it plus have tried MANY times to just have a "nice" relationship with her.
"Yeah, she's controlling but she's just worried about you."
"Sure, she's intrusive, but it's just because she cares."
"Yes, she's hard on you sometimes but think of what she's been through."
Nope, nope, and NO!
Love and light to you! And anyone else dealing with a relative like this. ❤💕💞😎🎶
(I'm LC by the way but she's stirring up trouble AGAIN. My next step might be to move and cut all ties. Sad.)
you are not alone in this, what this guy is saying is my mother 100%
This happened to me growing up.
Remember we are all loved even when alone or in toxic company,
Normal people are transparent, loving, flexible, unassuming, and forgiving, unlike narcissists, who are none of these.
Wish I could find normal people, whatever that entails.
Totally agree.
Amen
@@endeavouringit normal people are emotionally heathy unlike a narc
Not in my experience...where do YOU live?!
Thanks for sharing this content. So many persons are in relationships like this and there wasnt anyone to warm/arm them.
Hope this reaches many so they can avoid being ensnared.
I found your descriptions of narcissistic behavior extremely helpful both in their clarity and practicality. In short, your insights of what depths a narcissist will stoop to in an attempt to either reengage or decimate their no longer captive audience is in my experience , completely true. Thank you!
A story - A person began to realise they were being abused by a narcissist and started trying to create distance and boundaries. The abuser contacted the victims close friends and family saying they were worried about the victim and created a rumour that the victim was addicted to opioids and wasn't well. Thank you for this video, creating clarity and educating.
They always do covert acts of garbage… you can’t trust them everything is a lie I’m just getting over my abuse life is changing ..
I can relate to this behaviour. Thanks to these video, DEEP technique is KEY
I met narcissistic people like that and yeah they made rumors about me but I'm happy I know they r not too happy with their lives.😂😂😂😂😂
Going through this now from a boss. I am respectful but distance myself. Not sure about the rumors but his flying monkeys are coming around. I give him nothing.
@@talktothehand2012 dealing with a Male boss where he is in control that would suck .. feel sorry for you
(8:15) "How dare you see through them. How dare you no longer want to put up with their nonsense." No truer words have been said...mic drop right there. 👏
Imagine how much unemployment they create worldwide. Still they get hired...
They. Will. Make. You. Pay!
@@wayneelliott1180 they won't if you tell on them. If you keep quiet yes they will. Psychopaths have the fear of getting caught that's why some think it's paranoid schizophrenia it isn't.
RIGHT. OMG. SPOKEN LIKE A PRO!!!
Yes. How dare you.
Thank you for helping a significant group of us better handle our mothers out there! 😊 Great information, sis. Cheers
Thank you, you're the first person who has highlighted financial dependency upon the Narcissist. For years people have said why do I put up with him. What I want is advice on how to deal with him as best I can.
What is really hard is when you grow up in a narcissistic family and believe this behavior is normal, that is until you break away and get out into the real world. It never gets easy, the triangulation, scape goating, the lying. My only saving grace was thousands of miles.
So true.
Me too. 5,000 miles away.
I was part of a narcissistic family. Mother, brother and three sisters. What a mess! Once I realized what's going on. I am truly free now and at peace.
It has taken me 60+ years to realize my mom and sister’s behavior wasn’t normal.
@@bethhenkelman5249 54+ years for me - My mother (covert narc) and brother (overt). Father was overt, but died when I was 9. When you grow up inside these dysfunctional families - it's all you know. Went no-contact 4 years ago - wish I'd done it 30 years earlier. They can derail the scapegoat's life...
I was raised in a narcissistic family thankfully I've found them all out. Now none of them talk to me anymore, much happier now
I was raised the same. My life became so peaceful starting immediately after cutting ties with them. They all died within a short time of my walking away. Guess they couldn't take it after 60 years of using me as the blame catcher for all their problems.
You are far from alone. I simply spoke up about a pervert MILLIONAIRE narcissist taking my 3 yr old g.son into a dark closet w/a camera & glow toys 1st time babysitting 1st time alone 1st time @ the house alone as soon as Mommy left. Nobody talks to me now. APPARENY LOTS OF SECRETS!!! Its been hard but THE TRUTH SET ME FREEEEEEEE!!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸 sacrificing their children for $$$$$
Step 1 Im powerless STEPS 2-12 God is not. I do my part 1 day. 🙏 "They wet the bed n blamed the blanket." This video is the most accurate. THANK YOU!!
@@guntcheck *NARCISSIST DETECTED.
Same situation with me..I know what the root problem is with the family..It's from their being sexually abused as kids.. When I bring it up they run like scared kids..It's sad because they have been conditioned to never face and deal with pain.. They're especially my mother are forever trapped in the horrors of their childhoods..They honestly never grew up..I'm upward and onward but still have a strong sense of retribution against my mother for pain she inflicted on me and my father
Clint Barr… yeS me as well ahhhhhh 🙈😂
My husband screamed in my face " I don't want to live with you any more" what a relief that was for me. Putting up with his narcissistic ways drove me crazy always thinking I did something wrong. His punishment was to give me the silent treatment for weeks on end. Then tell his friends what I constantly did wrong ..... he's been gone now for 3 months and I don't miss being married to that man.... he will never contact me because I found him out for what he is. I'm now 71 and should have freed myself years ago. A big thank you for your advice 😊
Wow! This is exactly what I went through and I almost got caught up. I’m very grateful for all the videos
My mom’s favorite response to my problems is “try being me”, as if no matter how bad I feel, her problems are always worse.
YES! you try talking specific about something that upset you and she tells me "do you know how often you do something that upsets me?" but its the same 2 general idea things for the past 5 years so
My daughter put my husband in jail because she lie on him saying that Ihe he rape her she lie God will pushisher her she took my husband away because she was jealous of me and her father realthship
@@emmaswain3084 ahhh the classic "one upper" ... Always has to one up your story or compare herself to whatever you're talking about.
That's so sad. I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with that from your mother. That sounds extremely difficult. My heart goes out.
When I finally got into the same situations my mother used to complain about, all I could see is how her constant abuse led me to grossly overcompensate and now I give way too much credence to others when I deserve some respect for my work.
I actually heard mother tell someone that her goal was to break me, as though I was a was animal. I left home at 17. It took a long time for me to see the reality of the situation.
Unbelievable! How is anybody born without nurturing instincts? It is possible had you not moved out and she was unable to break you, she might have murdereed you.
@lo ro me too left at 17, I never got the love & attention that I needed
I am 42 now still single, no kids, always attracting toxic relationships and non committed people. I feel very isolated and no friends. I am social and I get along with many people but all on a distance. It has been a very long and bumby road
Sometimes I am so fed up by trying and fighting.
What about you?
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 That is also something I can relate to. I grew with an extremely narcissistic mother who had and still has no insight into into her affliction. Trusting others and making friends is hard and yet I'm perfectly contently living alone. I have one good friend in the whole state of NM I see often and might move closer to eventually.
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 I dumped the toxic momma clone and got a dog. Then I got really selective. I don't understand why those women think I am easy. I play the game until get tired of her brand and the dog and I continue our relationship. The dog is a good judge. After the 3 or 4th time she is around, I watch the dog. If the dog is not with it when she shows up. She is most likely toxic.
I sincerely hope you are in a better place now
This just resonated so much with me - every single point
repeated over and over
First time I've listened to this guy. I love his voice (as well as the content obviously). So soothing to listen to.
My covert narcissist destroyed my soul. The gaslighting made me doubt my own sanity. The silent treatment was like being slowly cut open whilst being unable to run. The trauma bond I was left with took me nearly two years to get over and was like being addicted to a class A drug. My life was a living hell. I can’t even put it into words. I didn’t know pain like that existed. I kicked them out of my home and cut all contact, it was that or death. After a lot of support from family, friends and professionals I’m now happy again and learning to live with my pain. It’s a journey but please make that first step. I realised that I’m the one with the career, I’m the one that’s kind and has friends. They don’t have anything, you’re a vessel. They don’t love, only destroy. Anyone going through that right now my thoughts are with you sending love ❤️
Same here, I couldn’t cut off, it’s how Indian families works, but my daughter did send them running
Happened me kicked him out 3 weeks ago blocked him from all devices and social media. Trying to get my mind straight. It's horrible
Thank you. I'm on the edge. I hate this mother fucker. I'm gonna flip out and jump
@@vetaanselmo5080 sending love ❤️
Bravo 👏 for you! Don’t look back! Love and live your own life and the fun memories you will create and generate! BRILLIANT synopsis by you! Again 👏 bravo!
I dated a women for 2.5 years in which she treated me like a dog and when I removed her from my life she went around telling the most disguting lies about me. The way I see it is that I feel sorry for the people believing her lies because I was once in that place and now I am free of it.
Had pretty much the same, how she would bad mouth previous people she had relationships with & told lies about. Even an X husband got her venom & i worked out most were lies, i then thought this wont end well for me, even her Dad warned me about her history!. I got the hell out & never looked back
And hopefully wiser !
Heathcliffe,"""that happened to me too.so I woke up one morning and thought bugger it,if any of my family or friends believe their lies and not come and clear it up with me,ask my side of things,then I don't want them in my life if their that shallow minded.
hope u free from her soon, base on my exp, it Never ends. even when she's dead, her legacies(minions who believed her lies) will go on...
When I broke up with my son's father he told everyone that he left me because I had become a lesbian. The people that believe those lies either will eventually come around or continue to stay in the dark. The important thing is that you're free!
When I started to put boundaries in place with my mum her behaviour escalated. It actually became so over the top it was hilarious. If ever I thought I was being harsh it stopped right then.
My sister was the perfect compliant robot for our narcissist mother. However I was not compliant and my mother would fly into physically abusive rages when I crossed her. Her verbal demeaning of me was incredible. I ended up moving 3K miles away and my life vastly improved.
Yuuuup. Then call the family and say you assaulted them. Effem
Mine too
Had to go cross country. I know what you mean.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother gives a death sentence to your mental health.
Compliant robot. Good description
The absolute worst in a relationship… be very careful to anyone watching this that hasn’t been there. I was a victim of this. Had no idea what the hell was happening. I’m an intelligent woman. Being involved with an abusive narcissist is not easy to see at first. Everything you said is spot on. Worst time of my life.
Yep... I married one of these people. They promptly sat their butt on the couch and started issuing orders...
I was seeing a man...as the relationship progressed he tried to be more controlling, so I broke it off. That's when the fun began. 🙄 stalking on a scary level. I stood my ground and eventually he gave up, but that was scary...
Ditto, my ex was a very abusive narcissist and would blame it on her bipolar, or other mental health issues, i go to work she'll clai im not working but sleeping around behind her back... despite comming to my work place and seeing me there, then she claim i was only working because of the girls there (what the 50 year old grannies? Lol) i came home from work one day she had downed 6 bottles of wine, smashed the place up, smashed the oven. Her response when i walked through the door and saw the mess "oops" i told her "I'm going out for a walk, i suggest you leave before i get back"
The police had been pushing me to press charges for years, but in my head it was her mental health and she needed help not locking up. I bumped into a guy she was staying with after i kicked her out, turns out she did the same to him, heck she even split his lip and stabbed his legs up with a fork all because he didn't have any alcohol to give her while she wouldn't even give him a drag of a cigarette.
Yeah won't make that mistake again
@@ewamanda mine had the nerve to “call meetings” when he felt he needed to be heard… lol idiot
@@miapdx503 sure is! Here’s a funny one.. mine abused me… I was bullied and pushed up against the wall stuck in my room … one day finally had enough and hit him.., in the SHOULDER because he was threatening me. He proceeded to call the cops on me, and I’m the mother of his son! (A damn good mother too) I’m so unbelievably grateful he is out of my life … for good!!
Thank you for your support for surviving people like me being involved with a person who has Narcissism. This explanation followed the patterns and behaviors of my relationship with this person. And this enlightened me to the fact that when I participated in therapy for mindfulness that the next strategy the covert Narcissist applied was to strengthen a trauma bond, which I didn’t even realize that I was trauma bonded. I was aware that the words spoken out of the blue “ I really love you.” This tactic happens when I am speaking in a grounded manner, or I am yellow rocking and gray rocking by giving brief.
Ive researched narsissim for 10 years,just found you and this video is spot on about what happened in my life.
I’m 42, male, the best decision I ever made in my life was to cut ties with my mother, I only wish I had done it earlier in my life. In therapy I learned that my childhood was absolutely not normal and that I had grown up with a narcissist with a bit if sociopathy mixed in. I tried to fix things, always attending to her emotional needs, always making excuses. It impacted me very negatively in many ways. The only real progress I have had for my own mental health was when I removed her from my life, 5 years ago now, never going back…….it was like getting rid of a toxic drug, when out of the system I regained my health, both physically and mentally.
I’m dealing with the same. My mother.
It still hurts though. Make sure you are not suppressing pain by substituting other emotions to block out your true feelings. If you need to grieve, don’t stop yourself.
I just started therapy today..third time lucky...I have her worked out for years but I'm using the therapy to help me keep her out this time. The woman is rotten to the core. I hope I can succeed this time. She's started her smear campaign and making horrible accusations against me to other people
I have a very similar story. Its a lose lose situation that you will never win. Accept it and go live life. Plenty of other types of winning to do.
Me too. I just blame women now. They're all the same.
Alice,👍👍👍👍👍 I am 85 ,my husband of 60 years was a narcissistic egotistical man with Abandonment syndrome! He passed away in 2017 ! That’s when I felt I was o longer a prisoner! Now my days are joy and sunshine ! Good Luck 🍀 and HAPPINESS ALL THE DAYS OF YOU LIFE !🌞🌈🌹🌺🌸🌼🌻🎄
My 88 year old mother has been with my 89 year old father since they were teenagers. I think he finally scared her a couple of weeks ago. He started to physically hurt her ( the years of emotional abuse were horrendous) and she finally saw him the way the rest of us do, and put an end to it. I hope. We have been down a similar road before. My family is hoping that this time she really gets it and won't give him the opportunity to hoover and love bomb her back into it. Mum tried to "see it through" with him. It sounds like you did, Betty. I'm glad you are free.
You deserve a medal for staying with him all that time. Enjoy the rest of your days. You will get a reward in heaven!
I celebrate my freedom day every year (the day my mother died) with a nice treat for myself. It was a long wait for freedom, she died almost 4 years ago at 92. I'm 72 now & every day is a blessing.
Live long and prosper Betty.
You seem like a old bag of bones.
Another very insightful video. When you are going through it, you tend to think that no one else understands what is happening. Good video.
Constant shaming, blaming, and non-apology apologies. I step away and tell him I am going to step away and don’t want to talk for an hour yet 20 minutes later he approaches me and doesn’t say “I’m sorry” but points out what I did to hurt him. I belittle him. I tell him I know what he is doing and I won’t accept his behavior.
You’ve described everything that I’m experiencing. It’s settled in my mind. I’m doing exactly what I need to do. Thank you.
I had to end contact with my sister. After being blamed for everything bad that happened to our family for years I just couldn’t deal with her anymore. It’s been the most peaceful successful and stress free 10 years of my life.
Absolutely, I just cut my sister off 3 months ago, such peace, im making good choices, meeting up with friends, and getting along lovingly with my grown kids.... My sister was a BOSS all these years... At last I did it!!
Good for dude , its been 6 years for me not having contact with mine , best decision ever.
This is really encouraging thank you I needed to see this. I had to do the same thing. She told me im gaslighting and emotionally abusive towards her.. funnily enough she started saying this after I didn't agree with the way she's treatment our family. As soon as I don't agree with something she says then she says which much assurance that I am gaslighting her & shifting her reality.. just because I have an opinion that isn't what she wants to hear.
She's gone through our whole family and turned people against each other, called everyone an abuser and destroyed people's reputation. I snapped and said I just can't allow her to do this anymore, and as soon as I said that then guess what? Im an abuser too!
You’re not Cynthia Fortier’s sister, by any chance?
As Doctor Ramani said: the only way to not deal with a narcissist is to not have them in your life.
My mom is a narcissist and everyone has discovered who she really is and has left her. She acts like the victim and says it's everyone else's fault and sense she feels like she's so perfect and spiritual, she says that we cannot stand the spirit of God within her. As a Christian this is so triggering to hear from her because it's almost like shes making herself God. I've chosen little to zero contact because she knows how to trigger my anger and I don't want to fall into having anger issues anymore, I want my heart to heal and live a life glorifying God.
Oh my LORD!! That would NOT be okay with me! Yeah, you DON'T have to be around someone who doesn't respect your beliefs and, in turn, you. And being a Christian myself, I understand the protectiveness you probably have over God, and the obligation you feel to stand up for Him, and the possibility of planting that mustard seed, but sometimes people's hearts are so hardened that they're lost forever. I believe that God understands that sometimes defending Him will make them be even worse and that's difficult for us to withstand feeling helpless, and won't hold it against us to let their words fall on deaf ears. After all, we shouldn't cast our pearls before swine.
It's hard to remember (and annoying) they're accountable for their own actions, but we're still accountable for what they provoke us to say and do. Might as well let them burn by themselves and not drag us with them.
Good for you! That is hard to do with a narcissistic parent (I have one), but so much healthier (physically and spiritually) for you!
My narcissist was a phony christian also, used it to try to distract people from what she really was. an incredible hypocrite, liar, abuser,........
Also had a narcissistic mother (and a narcissistic father, but completely different variety of narcissist). It's weird how they use these hollow ideologies to deceive not only others but also themselves. She was a divinity major who left christianity to pursue this weird new agey "inter faith" bullshit because she thought if she made it look like she was accepting of all faiths it would make everyone accept her and see her as like mother theresa or something. Had loads of bullshit self help books like the secret to reassure her of her personal godhood and what positive spiritual energy she had even though she was toxic and manipulative as hell. She refused to take my dads last name and when they divorced she took all his money and opened a charitable foundation under her own name and would force family members to write donation letters for charities they didn't give a crap about just because she had this desperate compulsive need to be seen as generous. Forced her children into after school activities we didn't want to do because it was the only way she could insinuate herself into the social circles of the "soccer moms" or "karate moms" because she was incapable of forming lasting connections without that kind of artificial pretext. And she'd often jet off to india or africa leaving us in the care of this abusive jehova's witness babysitter. Every single generous thing she did needed to be photographed, broadcasted, she'd put the entire extended family into email chains. It was clear she cared only about starving children in africa than her own family--not even that, just being seen with them. And the image she portrayed them as was one part pathetic poverty stricken and one part eat pray love spiritual extortion.
Fast forward 15 years and of her three children, one of them is dead, committed suicide after moving back in with her... And the other 2 left the country to go live on the other side of the world and get as far away as humanly possible. Because i'm sure if either of us were still around her we'd both want to just die too, because thats how she makes everyone feel. And as far as i'm aware she hasn't remarried or even had a single long term relationship since she divorced my father. She's just as miserable and alone and unseen as she deserves.
@@Ben-rz9cf so sorry for you and your siblings I understand everything you said.
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!
Happy I watched this video! Gave me sooo much clarity. I was just doubting a decision to end something but the "victim" has now stated that he has PTSD from my new found state that seems cold-hearted and dismissive of his pain. Truth is...I could care less how he feels and the new sudden diagnosis of PTSD doesn't move me one bit and even less now that I know it's a tactic they deploy.
My ex was a fine tuned narcissist who lied, manipulated, gaslit, punished and twisted my life into a knot that was a prison. 5 wasted years with someone I loved with all my soul. This was my first experience with a person like this but I got away. Never never go back.
Be careful and learn about yourself because more narcissists will try to make their way to you because there is something in you that they want. Protect yourself and congratulations for getting away!!
Your testimony is EXACTLY what I'm going thru right at this moment except one been with him for 9 years. I've loved him dearly but feel I just cannot allow him to treat me this way anymore. Super hard and depression, doubt in myself, low self esteem, humiliation etc are all taking a huge toll on me.. Thanks for your words because now I don't feel alone. God bless!
Wow! Sounds like my life! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🧿🧿🧿🧿
I wish you a happy, abundant, peaceful and loving life. 💝
@Cherry Girl I lost 7 years to mine. But I try not to think it as 'lost' time. I think of that time as a lesson learned, and a lesson well worth learning, however many years it took. Hope things are going much better for you now. :)
Good
My husband was a narcissistic egotistical personality! He wasn’t physically abusing just controlling ,he passed away a few years ago ! I felt like I was released from a prison ! I was so happy to get off that roller coaster ride ! But I did learn about narcissistic personality ,my husband was on the low end of the narcissistic personality ( controlling , depression ) if a person is trying to steer you away from family or friends by comments on how they don’t really care for you as much as they do ! That is a gigantic RED FLAG 🚩 RUN !
Yes!! Been there. It was horrible.
Also if he is to attached and wants to marry you right away. I love you in 2 weeks. So many other red flags.
are you glad he passed away.
I recognize your feelings of being released from a prison. My husband (we have been together for 8 years) had a histrionic personality disorder and narcissism is part of this disorder.
He was not physically abusive but very controlling and always lashing out to me when things went wrong for him. And this was often.
His heart stopped during one of his outrages anger moods and that was the end. I do not feel ashamed not being the weeping widow. My life turned for the best and I know what true happiness is.
Omg! I feel the same way, like I'm living in a prison with a verbal, and financial abuser who drinks too much.
I thank you for all information you shared. I look at lot of situations in my life in clearer way now. Thanks again!
Wow this is so on point and completely accurate!
From my experience a narcissist will ostracize anyone they cannot control. Then act out in wrath.
They only "apologize" by saying, "I am sorry you feel that way." Putting the guilt on you for your feelings about being abused.
The one I was dating long distance.. We were still in love bombing stage and only had met once and it was very intense... After I discovered lies the first time from info online, he had a very convincing story so I believed him he seemed so sincere and genuine on video call... He apologized then and when I said sorry I blocked you, cuz I thought you had lied about everything.. He said "it's ok, sorry I wasnt as forthcoming" i asked him " you mean about not showing me stuff" (cuz i had asked him to show me some ID as proof and he wouldnt) he said yes and for not alleviating your doubts
Probably just a fake apology as later I discovered his whole persona was fake, what he had presented me...
Just listen in on a phone conversation, they ask about everyone in your life, your friends life, and THEIR family. ‘Poor so and so, they won’t talk to their sister, brother, cousin, or get new underwear, or play with the black bears.’
Or “sorry for caring/loving too much”
My older brother doesn’t know that I know he’s a narcissist. Since I know that it is really difficult for him to control or manipulate me he doesn’t reach out to me anymore. It’s very sad because we had a tight bond growing up. Knowing him I’m sure he’s still working on a “scheme” to win.
I hate it when they say that " im sorry you feel that way" the other horrible behaviour is when they triangulate you and when you start hurting they say " shes just a friend " he made me so ill.
Your video has been so so helpful. So many of the things you’ve said have been a mirror image of what my now ex said. I just recently found out that my ex has been cheating on me the majority of our relationship and even after he proposed. It was with someone he tried so hard to convince me was the worst person in the world. As a matter of fact, all he said about his exs were horrible and terrible things, and he was the victim in the relationship. I truly believed him until the other woman called me. I laughed when she told me. I don’t feel bad for me anymore but I hate the fact that he is going to drag my name through the mud and make me the villain to the next. Possibly even her. He is so talented with the gift of the gab. It is so so believable and convincing. Thank you for this amazing video.
Spot on stuff, Darren. Thank you!
You just described my ex. He loved to make me cry. When he succeeded he would smile, not a big smile a little sneer. Like he got me where he wanted. Then I found he turned my brothers against me then worked on my youngest son etc...Left him after 35 yrs. Please don't wait as long as I did.
I'm with my Narc hubs for 46 yrs......I didn't even know what the condition was until 5-6 yrs ago. Unbelievable!
Once me & my ex broke up i lost sooo much weight . (I really looked sick ) i was depressed, wasn’t eating & missed him terribly. When he saw me , & how i wasn’t doing that well without him he had the same sneer on his face . It hurt my feelings cuz I’d never wana see him in distress. It took me a couple years to realize how manipulative he really was to me 🥺
@@ariannqueenn8575 I think that was when I realized how toxic our relationship was. When I tried to hurt him and realized how much it hurt me but I saw when he was hurting me and saw that smile then I knew that he didn't love me. Meaning because I loved him and by trying to hurt him I was also hurting myself so I immediately stopped. I realized then that his feelings for me wasn't love. I am glad you got out, I feel for those who never got out. ❤💔❤🤗
You are a Saint for staying so long.
You're a very brave woman 🙏🇦🇺❤👏👏👏
I've been living with an orgre for 26 years, and it's only getting worse.
Sadly, i have stage 4 cancer , and still i have to listen to such cruel comments. Narcissists are actually demons on earth, and a big lesson for the few who are involved with them.
🙏🏾❤
But narcissists pet and stroke the people they need on their team so they’ll always have fans who won’t realize they treat some people with utter disdain. They look the other way either because they love being pet and fawned over or they don’t want to be the target.
I’m sorry for your situation. I know first hand the loneliness narcissists can inflict on you. Let your Dr know you have someone in your life that is undermining your support system. Maybe you can find someone to talk to. Try not to let them live in your head rent free. You need your energy for yourself right now. 🤗
I’m so sorry. 🙏🏻
I like your story ; I’ve been married for 14 yrs to a pure narcissist & myself I’ve been planning my escape with out hurting him or his family ; When I had my awakening it was one thing after another , I got to endure this evil scheme 13 yrs & unless I walk away ( it’s hurts so bad ) why ? He has hit me , choked me , scratched my face with his whole hand twisting around my whole face , my bruises were on my neck & cheeks ; why do some folks stay in this evil for 1 sec ? I stayed mainly for so long is because I believed & thought I was wrong all the time & everything was my fault . The person that told me he promised to ALWAYS always make me smile !! Who in the hell told him he was so special?That would be his 3 family members since his 20 yr old age twins boy girl won’t even call or talk to him ; pretty much staying away ; he can’t even admit that alcohol is his enemy! Everything that I point out he turns it around just like a democrat will do !! I’m a theif ? Liar? Moocher? Lazy ? Judgmental? He tells me to have a heart attack ? List goes on & on & on !! We are finally splitting up & I can’t hardly wait to NOT seeing him asleep on the couch where he sleeps every night ! I want peace love & harmony in my life ; this means I WILL be single for the rest of my miserable life 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤔so I married a human that is not of this world !! They are real demons here on earth !
@@4estdweller4ever thank you so much for your incoureging words..if only i realised earlier the consequences to my life i would have not let ot go on for so long..so its just a warning to others to run fast away from narcissists bec its not worth their lives..
After a marriage of 33 years, I realised nothing would change, so I left. All those behaviours mentioned, the begging, crying, happened and promises of change etc with not one apology for anything! plus running me down to everyone, but I held fast. I felt very isolated, having to leave my life and friends and move to the city, but knew distance was needed. In time I realised how much happier my life was and around 12 years ago, so 8 years after I left the marriage, he tried to do one last traumatic thing to me. But I stood up for myself, followed my heart, didn’t cave in and I’ve not had any issues since, so a peaceful happy life is mine now. Oh and he has shown his true colours to his extended family and said and done some appalling things to them too. I sometimes feel sorry for him as his behaviour has isolated him so much! But it feeds his victim mentality. I clearly remember the feeling of a physical weight being lifted off me in the decision to leave.
I called out a potential beau on his narcissism and said I think he’s lying at me…within 10 minutes he had ghosted me and blocked all our online contacts. Absolutely right.
“To turn the victim’s social circle into their flying monkeys” - so true
That's the most hurtful part
I have no idea what flying monkeys mean.
The people in your life that believe the narcissist's lies and get them to turn on you and support them. Narcissists aren't happy until they destroy you.
This statement is very true for the victims of the flying monkeys sent by the narcissist.
So true. Being part of a dysfunctional family is similar to trying to escape from a cult. Trying to free yourself of the gaslighting and abuse in various forms that they dished out all the while claiming, "I love you" is beyond crazy making. Over decades I learned that forgiveness to these toxic types is an inlet for more abuse and neglect from them. They never change and expect you to cater to their dysfunction and remain unhappy being in their company all for appearances and "pretend happy families." They leave you with no choice but to leave for your own sanity. However, be prepared for the blame being twisted back onto you for confronting their abuse and walking away for a healthier life. They accuse their chosen scapegoats and truthtellers of being crazy for seeing through the abuse and neglect for what it is. To stay in the abusive situation is counter productive and nobody should feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries against toxic people. Stay strong everyone 🌼