Your authenticity enrages the narcissist
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“Seeing their name on your phone screen is enough to leave you sick” Spot on!
Truee...
Yea, when I see a email come in from my sister I tense up and just brace myself for the manipulative, mean, crazy bullshit that I am about to read.
Yes,That flat tire feeling.....just seeing their name on your phone. JUST NO.DELETE.or
Wash,spin,repeat.
The abuse,punishment will be twice >>> as bad
If you take them back.
I KNOW from years of having been married to a narcissist in the past. Then to find out from our two children he had a mistress for many years.he even showed me a picture saying a longtime friend introduced them. I divorced him.
Narc's are Halflings are
Less than functioning
LUNATICS.
I did break FREE but lost a lot in family,friends,finances(he hid his $) I am sorry what our children.(teens) went through. They stayed with the father, he had $$$$.
I got a job transfer to Hawaii for many years. He tried to get me back.NO
!!!IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
Yes!!
@@karamila82 Its insane how much this really goes on in the work place now
“Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic relationships.” I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Your autonomy is seen
as a major threat & insult to them💥💣💥 TruthBomb
Amen! Though I went through hell and he recently made his true colors abundantly clear, I'm glad for the timing of it. Great things are coming my way and he would absolutely abuse me more emotionally and financially so his latest BS/betrayal has erased all doubt. I'm ready for healing and blessings.
I live this everyday of my life
Oh yes I feel this on a daily basis
It can also be the very same when it’s the parent trying to escape. Please address this as well. Cold Indifference is right on.
A narcissist will try to change you to what he/she wants. They hate that you are an individual.
In spite of whatever they might say to your face. And they only say nice to your face because that then puts the burden of whatever you do or don't do on you -- not them.
And then once they do - they will discard you because you are no longer useful to them.
the demand for group cohesion creates some real bullies…god forbid you are “different”
Authenticity. A quality absolutely MISSING in a narcissist. And, oh, yes. They are just so jealous of what comes so naturally to you.
Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
They hate all qualities that they lack. I would cultivate all the qualities they lack just to spite them and annoy them further.
@@GenerationX1984Amen. I belly laugh and express joy around my SELF RIGHTEOUS narc mother 😂😂😂😂Aggravates her so much, she engages in passive aggressive smear campaigns. Meh. I know better, and, that's all that matters!!!
They are envying creatures too, among other things
Their ability to brush off any facts that don't suit them is frankly astounding. Their only interest is to win no matter what it takes even if it means ruining others lives.
And if you don't buy into their manipulation and lies then the monster comes out, it's almost like you're committing a crime because you're not letting them manipulate you and use you.
This describes my parents to a T. They seem to hate that I’m not a conformist and that I have different opinions than their pre-approved beliefs
Always expect them to do the wrong thing and you will never be disappointed.
And, count on them to NEVER DE-ESCALATE an emotionally tense situation! That ends up being solely your burden! You have to carry your emotions, and THEIRS, too! Because they have zero self-control with rage in communication!
This advice is gold! Learnt it that hard way but 💯
True dat
And make you out to be the thoroughbred villain/monster when you toss even the smallest fragment of that animosity and malignancy their way.
‘S/he told my ex./mum how much of a dick I am (whether the most-appropriate platform was used or not or, indeed, the intent was even for the recipient to, for example, see the message/s). I’m frightened of what s/he’s going to do next. [His/her] authentic self is such an evil monster. How did s/he go from the nicest person ever to this raging psycho.?’
That’s just how they operate and think. Either they see a trace of heat from you (whatever the original intention) and gaslight/gossip about you even more in the most grotesquely-magnified, far-removed-from-the-victim’s-intent terms or they realise that your authenticity (at least the bit that comes through) isn’t here to budge and isn’t going to play second-fiddle to a gaslight that never switches off or spewing inaccurately-speculative poison out of their dirty mouths and quit bugging you (whether you even grey-rock them or not). But one way or another the narcissist will never truly meet you where you’re genuinely-at or want to. It makes them too-insecure.
And get away with it. At least for awhile.
They must have kissed the blarney stone, or some stone lol.
I broke free and lost my entire family.
I’ll grieve that loss for the rest of my days.
My Narcissistic sister won but I received peace and am no longer walking on egg shells and forever being blamed for everything that went wrong within our family.
My reality sucks some days, especially around birthdays etc but I have to keep looking forward and not backwards.
Wow…I had to check to see if I had written this comment!!!!
I have broke free from my siblings permanently since 2010 when our mother died. I have the same issue with my only sister and three other brothers. But what do we expect we never had a chance to be close or respectful and loving to one another because our own mother was a narcissist controlling manipulative mother who pitted us kids against one another. So I see it as a blessing in disguise. They don't deserve us, our time nor are Authenticity. Friends can be family too. And that's where I found my new family. As well as FREEDOM.
❤️❤️ ❤️ this must be difficult. I wish you peace and bright days ahead with strong new relationships.
You are not alone but you are courageous and safe. Big hugs, I know what it feels like. ❤️
💖💖💖 sending hugs your way
The fact that a narcissist would take time out of their day to harass you over literally nothing makes sense when you realize that being narcissistic is their entire life. You cannot keep up with them because you are a healthy person who cares about healthy things and they are an unhealthy person who obsesses over unhealthy things.
Well said. They will harass you over literally nothing.
" Being angry is the easiest reaction that can be done" said by a self-aware narcissist on a youtube video.
As a calm person, I was shocked.
How can a narcissist have energy to be angry all the time?
As a calm person, Being angry removes my energy for the moment.
Anger is the air these narcissists breathe. We have to put boundaries from these angry people, if you are a calm person. It is not psychologically healthy for me.
@@Stevie-J The best thing I was told about interacting with an abusive parent was to acknowledge that communicating is a no-win situation and stop trying to respond in a way that wouldn’t set them off. Instead, I needed to structure my communications so that I would be as safe as possible. Figure out what my boundaries were, choose a standard response to anything that's unacceptable (mine is to refuse to respond at all), and stick to it. It didn't completely stop the abuse, but I don't waste time and energy on a response and I don't go down the rabbit hole trying to defend myself. The abuse did escalate at first. An abuser's first response to a boundary is to try to break it down. I hung on because letting myself be abused wasn't good for anybody, but setting boundaries was good for me.
I'm so sorry your parents are wretched.
@@cazjay017 FOR HOURS ...
@@Stevie-Jdon’t defend!!!!!
"Sometimes it is as simple as that cold indifference"...this was one of most validating things I have heard in a long time. Cold indifference is that thing I haven't been able to explain that hurts like crazy.
I was just about to say that! Cold indifference is very cruel tactic by Narcissist. The cold look itself looks scary!
Bless your heart! I hear you!
I’ve lived for 33 years with this! How am I even still alive 😢
I'm a lawyer and I have to deal with this in my extended family and in my job (yes, narcissists create lots of business for lawyers). There is a technique that is useful to not get drawn in. Here's how it works on the job but can also be used, for example, if you have to co-parent with a narcissist. You get the nasty, vindictive, ugly written communication full of bile and bulls--t. Scan it to see if there is anything that legitimately requires a response. We got a rambling angry 8 page, single spaced letter from a real nasty client. Most of it was anger and garbage, but there was one legitimate legal question in the entire thing. The response from us was a five line, one paragraph letter on the order of "We are in receipt of your letter of (date). In response to your question about (Y), the answer is (X). Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any further questions." I wrote it and my boss read it aloud for the entertainment of the entire office because this was a well known piece-of-work client, and we all laughed! We aren't therapists or psychologists. We are lawyers and we respond to legal questions. The rest of it didn't get a response because its not our problem. You can do the same when you get a garbage, abusive communication that in the middle asks if you can pick up the child early from visitation because your nasty ex has to make it to a dental appointment. Just respond to that one part, and nothing else! Its actually pretty satisfying and damn funny to just decide that the rest of it doesn't even deserve a mention. #nooxygenhere
This is gold! I've copy paste and saved it. Thank you!
Brilliant advice, thank you.
SAVED 💖🙏💖
Spot on excellent! I've unwittingly done this to my narc texts...read it, wait, sometimes a whole day, then only respond to the legitimate stuff, period. Amazing how quickly it shuts them up, and how the 'emergency or drama' fizzles out. Also, in relation to a group setting, I do group emails and don't respond to personal texts that are obvious ploys to breadcrumb/lovebomb/gaslight. I might respond once with an emoji, but that's it, no discussion. Also such emails are cc'd to my next in line chain of command. The overt manipulation attempts have all but disappeared, but I am well aware of the attempt s to create flying monkeys behind the scenes. This is where the open communication pays off, everyone has the same information at the same time, nothing hidden. Acts as an honesty foil against background manipulation, without getting all he said she said back and forth in texts.
Love it!
"The child only wants to be cherished." Yes, never was. It was so hard to figure out why I wanted so badly to be cherished by the ex husband narcissist. It's sad how much that relationship mirrored my childhood. Took me 25 years to figure that out. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
ITS only sad if you never wake up! For the ones that have, breathe that fresh peaceful air in… because.. you know now, YOU ARE WORTH IT! Not everything that glitters is gold!
I totally get you.I delt and am still dealing with this same stuff.thank you for sharing
20 years for me… but at least I’m still alive and have a new start.
Be strong and Be You! 🙏💗😊
Omg so sorry. My sister was with one 25 years also but damaged her daughters so badly. They never recovered.
The same for me, and the same 25 years too. At least now we are free.
I lived with a narcissistic aunt in foster care through my teen years. She told me I was crazy, mentally ill, and was going to fail at everything I dreamed of doing. During my senior year I got sick of her bullshit and started distancing myself. I grey rocked her. I put on a happy mask that she couldn't use to manipulate me, and didn't ever share my authentic thoughts or feelings with her. I spent more time away from her embracing my true self and learning to love myself again. Even though I didn't share this process with her, I think she knew it, because she certainly punished me for it. She tried to pull me back in, convince me that I needed her and to be dependent on her again, and when that didn't work she discarded me. She couldn't stand that I was happy. I haven't talked to her since I left at 18 and changed my number. I'm 26 now.
Yup, they feel that control is slipping away and are pissed about it. My mother used to complain that we don't have closer relationship. She has heard that my friend calls her mother every evening and used it as an example of daughterly obligation🤨
Same alchoholic narc stepmother . Left day after ha graduation at 17 never looked back.
Same left at 18 to the military from a narcissistic dad, because being miserable in the military was better than being miserable with my dad🤷🏽♀️and he now has kidney failure, had a stroke, and homeless. We won. Not like they were counting (we all know they were hoping for our downfall) so cheers to us
Good on you girl!
Proud of you!
Go live your life to the FULLEST!!
Good for you. Your aunt truly sounds like my mom and father. Thank you for sharing!
Yes, my authentic self did enrage him-but you know what?
I’ve never stopped being authentic which is why he “discarded” me in the first place, I wouldn’t allow for the indoctrination, and once I knew he was a narcissist and told him there was no Unringing that bell.
I walked out with my self intact and have never looked back-cut him from my life completely and his flying monkeys-I cleaned house-and today I’m enjoying my life and taking care to continue to learn about how to keep these vampires out of my life.
As in all the vampire movies show-a vampire can’t enter your life and domain unless you invite it in-Knowledge is power.
Thank you Doctor Ramani for helping us to learn about these creatures.
Good for you!!
“Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic abuse.” 🙌🏼
Wowza! Right?! 💯
Amen to that.
Healing g is an act of sanity.....
“They will fight you over the price of a shoelace.” 🗣🗣🗣 If this doesn’t speak to the fact that Narcissistic people are kings and queens of pettiness, I don’t know what will. They are literally grown boys and girls 😔
With mine, it was a damned treadmill that I was only too happy to give him, but he had a thousand excuses for not retrieving it and taking me back to court. Eventually the judge got sick of him and that was the end of it. They HATE losing control of you, so they claw into every trivial thing to prevent you from finally getting free of them. And that's despite having told you all the ways they despise you and threatening divorce to keep you in line. Just sick. SO happy to be free.
Before he left, he went around the house doing petty things to annoy me like leaving his dirty dishes in the sink and putting the toilet seat up 🤣😂😅. The pettiness is unreal and so childish. I just laughed and thanked God that he was gone! Ugh…
I decided to save myself and the "flying monkey" attack was directed by my little sister. I was so angry with her but then I recognized that she too is a victim who is also infected with chronic narcissism. I've cutoff my mother, step-dad, two siblings and most extended family members. I'm so glad my wife, daughters and therapist have supported me through this hell. I'm so glad that I'm healing now.
Me too, complete no contact with the lot of them! 😂🤗
I chose to leave, and lose everyone. And yes, it’s difficult, but better then what I tolerated for decades, and decades.
I hope since then you have had a chance to heal and make new friends, the kind who are truly good friends and who care about your well-being as you care for theirs. I've found that the more you heal from abuse, the easier it is to recognize abuse before it happens, and the more intolerable it is to be in abusive situations or to be around abusive people. Please remember to be kind and gentle to yourself as you heal, and take care.
I am here. It is freeing and hard. I will NOT go back. I have come so far....I am proud of me, though I still have many lonely and self doubting moments. You Dr. Ramani are a huge help in transcending. Thank you.
Don't go back. I almost had a nervous breakdown from their RAGES and two timing. Hugs.
Same!
❤🌿
Tawana I feel the same. Best wishes and healing to you ❤️
I'm proud of you too! 🤗
That's why truth tellers/seer get the worst from the moment they are born. Their authenticity enrages them so much
People in general don't like authenticity because it challenges the status quo
"Lawyers exist because of Narcissists" might be the most on-point description of this profession. 😂👍
It is so true that my authenticity enrages all the narcs I know. Narcs want to groom you to be their energetic slave. Your value is ONLY in what they perceive you will do for them or give to them. They don't care about you, your feelings, or your life. When you show them that you are on to them, they will push back hard. Run from these people. It will not get better, ever. Get distance so that you have peace and time to grieve the relationship you wanted but never had.
Yes.. They groom you from an early age if you're unlucky enough to have them as parents..
To me; that means being so accustomed to the taste of feces in one drinking water, and to drink clean spring water is to experience something strange; that sadly brings about discomfort despite the fact that clean water is good for you..
@@parallax9281 I agree. In the end it is reality abuse. Parents selfishly using their children for supply and in the process shattering the childrens ability to do life well.
@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning Perhaps.. But it's a prevalent abuse accepted by our culture..and probably many other industrial cultures..?
If it's abuse (which I do agree with) it's so subtle the abusers who perpetuate it would never agree that it's toxic..!
I'd like to know how much is cultural, and how much is primate behavior.. Point.?
Do human cultures exist today that does NOT encourage this level narcissism..??
@@parallax9281 Good points! I am not sure that I would say it is "accepted" by our culture. This is a very squirrelly arena of messaging. Our culture makes the narcissistically abused person the problem. It is growing now, but years ago, there was very little real information on what all these symptoms meant if found in a person. Therapists are not taught what Dr. Ramani is sharing with all of us. The only therapists who would understand narc abuse where the ones that had endured it themselves. It seems to me a closer definition might be, it is "HIDDEN" by our culture. There is very little cultural conversation about this, because very few people understand it. Just try to explain this to someone who has not yet had a narc experience. They just won't get it. And to add to that, narc abuse is often called other names, like "bullying" or "toxic". Until we all start using the same words for the same thing, it will be challenging to gain cultural understanding. For example, note that Workplace bullying is discussed like it is something different. It is just narcs doing their thing in the workplace. To say it simply, our culture DOES NOT tell us that there are people who are missing KEY elements that define being human. Caring, Empathy, the ability to walk in anothers shoes. There really are two different types of people walking around, those who can live from their heart and those who can't.
@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning Who came first.? The chicken or the egg..?
A basic investigation into the history of any culture should give us some clue to what's happening..
Why would such a behavioral state be HIDDEN in a culture that recognizes it in the DSM..?
Something seems apparent with this subject concerning Narcissism, because it's a popular subject on social media, and Dr. Rommnie subs have surpassed 1 million..!
Is narccisim/sociopathic behavior a very human affliction or, is it a culturally learned..?
When I was fourteen my mother bought us matching dresses . She wanted us to wear them to the same event . I was thrilled to have a new dress . I only had two changes of clothing at that time .
The day of the event arrived and we put on the dresses and came into the living room . She looked at me and said " you can't wear that . It looks stupid on you . I was devastated . It took me thirty years to realize she didn't want me to wear the dress because I looked better than her in it .
May she rest in peace.
Wow she sounds like she was a B. I'm sorry you had a mother like that, you deserved better.
Wow! I would have never thought of this.....spot on!
May she rest in P I S S
unfortunately there's no peace whr she's resting.
I was always naturally authentic. I saw through the nonsense and never once considered being a pawn. So, for me, this explained why I was always treated these ways; with that coldness, or etc. I didn't realize that just being my authentic self was why.
Same here
Same. I don't know how to lie or to be fake, I don't think my brain even allows that EXCEPT when I'm face to face with a person who's trying to hurt or bully me. Then I can bluff and trick them but otherwise this feature is blocked. My bullshit detector was always maxed out.
Yes because many narcissists value power - socially, monetary, etc. they do not understand it when they meet someone who doesn't care about those things at all. They are puzzled and that puzzlement can turn into hate.
Same. I work in the design industry and refused to be a tool and drown down my own voice. Always get surprised why I used to get the same reactions…
High five to you!
@@sarakjeldsen769have you met my mother 😂
This was depressing as as hell. Choosing to heal, while painful in itself, holds that the promise of future legal action, swift reprisals, and all manner of terrible response from the narcissist. If you don’t heal, you’re damned. If you do heal, you’re damned. If you leave a narcissist, you’re damned. If you stay with a narcissist, you’re damned - what a nightmare.
When you live with a narcissistic spouse , even reading, is an act of defiance.
Oh my gosh! So true!
Trust me, even reading these comments is. I'm going through so much just to be able to go through these. It's deafening and plain insane. Who has this much time to waste on other, apparently the narcissist does.
This was true in my situation with ex-husband. Learning is empowering! Reading also took time away from me serving him. ~ Anastacia in Cleveland
So funny u say that - narc ex friend had a real problem with other people reading. She said it was a waste of time! (Knowing I enjoyed reading)
@@peachesmcgee4795 Narcs like to piss on anything that we enjoy.
Oh my gosh yes, start being comfortable in your own skin and they will try to make you feel like an imposter.
I've been called genuine by enough people over a long enough time that i can go ahead and consider myself authentic without feeling cocky about it. I have seriously noticed in the past that narcissists just don't like me. It's taken so long to actually be confident and happy but i love who i am and the life i have. It's insane to me how these people think. Love and compassion to everyone and especially ourselves always
God I love this woman ! She brings me back to the point of realizing I am not the crazy one !
And I have an even stronger reason to remember "I'm not the crazy one." I'm Bipolar and have been on meds for 17 years now. I finally got diagnosed at 50 yrs old, about 6 years into the Narc relationship that lasted another 14. I'm out now and when I express some of the stuff I was told by him to my sane, stable, authentic sister, and then my thoughts of logic that told me he didn't make any sense, we both have a good laugh about it. She validates my logical reactions and I am grateful because I knew I wasn't "nuts" and she keeps me affirmed like that. I do have telephone contact with him, and I gave him, in one conversation, a dose of his own sarcasm. I commented, "Oh, alright. I'll bow to the absurdity of your statement for now."
"What?!" he counters with.
"Oh, I DO apologize," I sweetly respond. "I forgot you haven't got a grasp of the English language and didn't understand that."
"I know what that means!" he snarls. OMG how my sister and I giggle at his ridiculous attempts at saving face.
The financial control/abuse is for real. Keeping children dependant on them.
They have "coercive control" laws to fight against this in the UK. I sure do wish they would get around to passing them here in the United States.
Yes. My brother is dependent on my mother even at 55 financially. He has been taught to not have any responsibility...ever..its a sick game of control.. thankfully I live in a different country and have minimal contact.
I am lonely because I am on my own, however it is better than being in their company, being lonely and controlled!
💐
@@vickit3124 Thank you! 🤗
Hang in there! You will eventually find your people who will love and cherish you for who you are! 💖
Hang in there, cause time will be your best friend. Family are the absolute worst for churning toxins, whereas real friends and acquaintances are more likely to bring you genuine joy. Please know that you are doing yourself an honor by not allowing your life to be shared with people (blood relatives) that assume you must accept them and their ways. I had to go no-contact with my mother, five siblings, and all other relatives, to save myself, the scapegoat. It's been years past now, and I'm the better person for it, with my own grown children that will never know the dysfunctional family I grew up with.
It's better to be all alone than be surrounded by people that make you feel all alone. - Robin Williams said that
When I figured out they were a narcissist, I knew they wouldn't let me grow into my authentic self.
"Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic relationships ". No truer words could be said..
Number 4 is why people have said to me “Why do you care so much about what other people think” and my reply usually is “I don’t care about what they think, I care about what they’ll do because of how they think”.
People just don’t get it because they’ve either never been triangulated or have and haven’t woken up to it yet. Either way, they’re far from helpful when saying that.
Or they are narcs themselves....and that is usually the case when they fail to show you empathy and instead take the opposing view.
@@reesedaniel5835 I never thought of it! Def could be a narc way to say "I don't really care, just shut up" without directly saying it.
That just helped me understand myself better. It was hard for me to come to terms with people believing what they hear without verifying with me or worse, people who have known me for years and whom I believe should know better than to believe this nonsense out of some sort of sense of loyalty toward the narcissist. But you hit the nail on the head with wondering what they would do or how far it could be taken. Great… another thought catapulting around in my head at night!
They will try to comeback into your life after 15 years...when you are done with them, went to university found a job..wait a minute Im not narc...you are the one with anger management issues...by the way your friends are all on my side...etc...very horrible indeed...I called out on his racism...antisemitism...in front of everyone
THIS. I've gotten this a lot from friends who could never begin to understand. I didn't have a clear answer, even for myself, until now. Thank you!
Going no contact with one narcisstic person caused some others in our mutual circle of family and friends to distance from me. I grieve the loss of some of them, but once I understood what the narcissist was, I could never go back and pretend everything was OK. I pray for their well-being.
The weaker wolves. Cowards
I understand this 💯 %. I lost my 2 best friends (also happen to be my sister-in-laws as well and a covert narc brother-in Law) because my daughter went no contact with a woman who married into our happy family and turned it upside down in a matter of 4 years. At this point my daughter, husband and myself have gone no contact with the narcs and it’s been gut wrenchingly difficult. I miss them a lot.
You said it. Once you know, and understand it, there is no way you'd ever want to put yourself back into it. It's like climbing out of a volcano.
Insight 101: Collateral damage has its place.
@@brianlane9534 love this analogy!! yes, it certainly is like climbing out of a volcano!
"The silent treatment is always a standoff, and the narcissistic person is far better made for it than you." TRUER words were never spoken. This is it in a nutshell!
I have lived this and the destruction was unbelievable. In our divorce he turned my narcissistic family against me. I've been estranged for 20 years and it was awful for my sons. All three of us had CPTSD, and my eldest son (who took over my role as the primary target for abuse started self medicating and in 2016 at 20 years old my first born child died. The death certificate says it was an accidental overdose that killed him, but I knew it was trauma from years of narcissistic abuse by his sociopathic father (actually diagnosed with NPD & ASPD ) and narcissistic extended family who didn't put the kids' best interest dictate what they would do. They helped him smear me, steal from e, ad leave me isolated, penniless and alone, and I forgot to mention this started after I had a Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection (SCAD) and flat lined in front of them. While I was being resuscitated I had a glorious NDE. When I regained consciousness it was clear that my husband and parents were angry at me for surviving, with disabilities and needs I couldn't deny. The discard started before I'd even left the hospital when I was more vulnerable than ever before and totally helpless to protect myself or my children. I desperately needed a husband and family, but instead of looking after us, they were doing all they could to make sure I never recovered, but I did and now my youngest son and I are trying to pick up the pieces once again.
You are in my heart, Evening TV.
I’m so sorry you went through this. What resilience you & your son have. You have each other & there are other survivors like you - so you are not alone @ Evening TV. Shine on, friend. Self care❤
You are one strong person. I appreciate the time and effort you put into sharing. I find it comes in waves how I feel about sharing my own story. Thank you. Be good to yourself.
I went through something similar to this with my family, though not as bad. I promise, there is healing, & you can get better. It was very isolating and lonely for me and my son, but pain of isolation was still a lot healthier than the pain of dealing with thier narccisstic abuse.
There is hope, & there is healing, I promise, & when you get through this, You will be one power house of an amazing human being!!!!!! because that's what happens when you survive hard thing like this. You either die, or you become amazing.
OMG 😧.... Sounds terrible. I am glad to hear that you still here and still pushing on with life. Stay strong ... I have had my fair share of Narcissistic crap . But stay strong 💪.
Self care is an act of defiance, too. Take care of yourselves because you're worthy of being taken care of, but also appreciate that every time you brush your teeth, it's also a middle finger at your narc.
Love it! 😆🪥!
“Succeeding on your own terms…” this is exactly what I needed to hear. Operating by others’ value system and using their scale to measure yourself is a bona fide means of feeling like a failure, exaggerated self-criticism, perfectionism and feeling that you will never measure up. Self-acceptance and knowing one’s own scale for success is the dagger in their heart: you're no longer their pawn in their imaginary chess game.
Dr. Ramani, let me take "time out of my day" to tell you how helpful your videos are, and what a difference you are making. Keep doing your work. It matters.
Lawyer here...I don't doubt that narcissists use the legal process this way, but we do get to choose our clients and cases. I don't put up with that bs in my office. Narcissists make high maintenance clients, which I don't have time for. Not that I always get clients who tell me the absolute truth and am always on the just side of a case, but I do have an ethical obligation not to file frivolous lawsuits.
Although I've learned to draw good boundaries in my professional life, my personal life is a work in progress. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse, most significantly that I know of in romantic relationships. Love your videos and insights, Dr. Ramani.
Very very very dangerous people ...... And most esp those who get into positions of power eg military, police, government, lawyers, doctors , finance etc
At a family level you must escape and you must get away ..........
PROTECT YOU AND YOU ONLY
100% most are Trump supporters.
"those who get into positions of power"
This happens a lot because our culture enables and coddles narcissists
Every time I watch one of your videos, I feel like I'm listening to scenes of my own life being described. I had the "audacity" to move out of my mother's home with my two small children to be on my own for the first time at the age of 31. When my daughter was 11 and old enough to begin to understand the vitriol my mother was spewing about me, she was devastated and confused. I had a good friend who was staying with us at the time and he sat her and her brother down and told them that if my mother continued to say bad things about me that they were to ignore her and remember that I loved them more than anything in the world and to never forget it. Because I had raised my children with love, compassion, support, and encouragement, they were far stronger and capable than I was (my mother made sure that I was psychologically broken and would bend to her will). The next time my children were at her house and my mother tried to bad-mouth me, my daughter told her, "I don't appreciate you talking about my mother like that. I love her and you saying bad things makes me feel uncomfortable. If you talk about her like that again, you will never see us again." My child had actually used my mother's own manipulative tactics against her. I would not learn about this event until recently when I actually figured out that the mental health issues I have been dealing with for my entire life were actually trauma responses from being raised by a narcissist. When I told my kids what I had figured out about my mother, they were not surprised. That was when they relayed that story to me. Learning that my mother was a narcissist suddenly made my entire life make sense. It wasn't until I understood the truth of my life that I was able to start healing. I left my mother's house to protect my children from her and my children ended up protecting me from her.
Amen!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼
Your bravery has paid dividends. You changed your own life and the life of your children. That is a great gift.
You are very blessed. My narc mother succeeded in turning my daughter against me, until I went no contact with her (my mother and family of origin). My daughter was 14 and it was nearly too late. We have a surface only relationship nowadays (she is 22). The viper got her fangs in, injected the poison and the damage was done.
@@reesedaniel5835 I'm so sorry. Narcissists are masters of manipulation. I hope your daughter figures out the truth soon, both for your relationship as well as for her own sake.
@@reesedaniel5835 I figured out my family’s lies around 25/26, at 22 she’s got plenty of time to catch on to the truth. Human brains finish developing at around 25 & having opportunities & experiences in different environments, with people, mindsets, etc is sometimes all it takes to critically think about their own life. Be there for her with unconditional love & support as she figures out the pieces to her puzzle, which I’m sure you’ll be a piece in🤍.
Dr Ramani. You will never know how much you have helped me. I’m going thru a separation and heading to formal divorce. And as I am packing and sorting thru all the “stuff” of 30 years of married life, I am listening to one after another one of your videos to REMIND me, to give me strength and to hold my ground to never go back to that land of devaluation, disapproval, punishment. Thank you!!!!!!!!🙏🙏🙏 God bless!!!
@Pedro yes these videos are a terrific reinforcement during your actions to move forward. I pray that you are completely free now and that it went better than expected. I pray for your peace of mind and calm spirit throughout this journey 🙏🏾🙏🏾❤️🩹
@@SparkleAnBlake thank you for your kind words!!!!
I pray for your strength to get through all this AND you WILL GET THROUGH IT. You will survive and you will be so much happier. I was married & went through it for 35 years. I know what you're going through can hurt so much at times. I had to look at my ex as if he had died so I could grieve & move on. I pray for you - you will succeed.
I've been no contact with my narcissist sister for two years when, out of the blue, she uses my aunt's medical issue to send me an email. I didn't respond to it, but I can see this as being a mechanism she'll use to keep contacting me. It's sad that these people just can't move on. Thank you for another great video!
You hit the nail on the head with this one! I radically accepted his behavior years ago. Since then I’ve been focused on what makes me happy and my children. The rage almost never ends! When I stand up for myself I’m being disrespectful. He cuts me at the knees financially, silent treatment for weeks or months, smear campaigns, you name it! He told me everybody knows how you are and what I have to deal with. 🤦🏾♀️ He mocks how I choose to wear my hair, knowing it makes me more confident. He constantly reminds me that I live in his house and threatens to kick me out almost weekly. I don’t have the means to leave but I’m working on it. Enough is enough.
You go, girl!
Den..? I once tolerated such treatment because I was groomed by both parents to treat such toxicity as normal..
The relationship I had with my parents, reflected my tolerance level for such unhealthy unsustainable behavior in my relationships..
My problem was feeling comfortable with reasonably balanced people because acute narcissism was all I knew..
@@parallax9281 that and the magical thinking cptsd creates are a lethal combo. We can do alot on our own behalf if we stop focusing on who they are, what they did and why, and refocus ourselves on ourselves, raise our standards to what we all KNOW WE DESERVE, see through our debilitating fairy tales and settle down into reality. It's, of course, much easier said than done, but it can be done.
Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy's slightly different take on our journey's mission. I feel like she's the next level of taking Dr Ramani 's spot on teachings and applying them practically to bring about bliss in our lives. And MEDITATE. PRICELESS!!
GOOD LUCK IN LOVE, ALL 💜💜
@@paysonadams4597 I've noticed that imprintation has a lot to do with who we choose as mates, and what we feel comfortable with in these relationships..?
My life didn't improve until I took responsibility for what I inherited from how i was raised. When I started taking responsibility for my actions and started to heal, is when the guerilla war was quietly declared on me, and it was when I got a deeper look into what character is..
I am in the exact same situation. I can totally relate to what is happening to you.
Your authenticity enrages narcissists.
Healing is an act of defiance.
Supplying resources, attention and giving yourself as a punching bag is your half of the relationship.
Using, monitoring and psychological violence is their half of the relationship.
Another excellent video. Ty Dr.Ramani💐
Wise words, friend. That is the relationship you have with these miserable people.
This is exactly what they are going after - your strong identity that your values of quality are built on. Through boycotting you, belitttling, controlling, plugging you up, damaging your self esteem, your self worth... and once you manage to escape this destruction and rebuild yourself, shining in your inner and out beauty, this is what exactly will damage him for the rest of his existence. This is what happened to me, and the vampire ended up in a psychiatric ward as a result.
I broke free of my narcissistic family system, I feel proud of it. I know I would have never been happy in there.
Thank you. Finally someone saying it takes a strong person to get out. The smear campaigning was and is brutal. Love you Dr Ramani.❤️
mind over matter
You don't mind and it don't matter
living well, mind, body, spirit,
is the best revenge
the permanent estrangement is the craziest part. my mom (classic narc) left after a battle with my dad (covert) and they are both literal monsters that have lost everyone systematically because everyone is the problem/to blame. They punish with money, coldness, abandonment, and rumors. Shocking to learn about it but it does help to give it a name
The truth really pushes a Narcissists buttons but it is humoring when they expose themselves. 😆
Healing is an act of defiance - I love that!
You make an excellent point by saying they take time out of their day, go out of their way to spew nastiness on you just because you don't want to be tangled up with them anymore. Let it go! Move on!
Thank you Dr. Ramani 🧡
Yes
Truthfully my whole life I can be having a good day and out of nowhere come nasty comments about me. I’m just supposed to sit back and accept them
@@nathaniel3867 I guess the point would be you don't have to accept their words as truth. But instead realize the narcissist is invested in smearing you and tearing you down with lies, manipulation, whatever it takes. To say you have to "sit back and accept them," gives them the win, gives them their coveted supply. Unless you are able to prove they are damaging your career, and want to sue them for liable, your best course would be to ignore them. It takes time. Give yourself permission to know the truth, even if you're alone in knowing it. Eventually your consistency will be proof of their lies. Hang tight.
All you said is so true, and heartbreaking to experience. The mean messages, the lawyers, the silent treatment, the manipulation of the kids, the threats...they just care about money and control, they selfish, they hate loosing control and see you happy and living authentically. Amazing video Dr. Ramani. Thank you! Have a great weekend everyone💖💖💖
Yep they want to leave you with nothing even their kids they don’t care if the go hungry this was my father and now my narcissistic husband he hides money and tried to make me pay his medical bills
Yup money and control. You nailed it.
they want to be authentic, but they dont know how. and because they are as they are, they will try to destroy anybody who achieve something they cant. If I cant do it, NOBODY can.
These people are all incredibly selfish.
@@wordswordswords8203 yes💔
I recognized how dangerous my mother was from a very very early and chose never to have children for the exact reasons that you were explaining because I knew what she would do.
Now with 42 years of Sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous I credit the program for teaching me to be authentic. And then giving me the support to do that.
I am FULLY AWARE that my Mother will right me out of her will when I become fully financially independent from her. I am not afraid at all. I keep planning and moving foward with my plans anyway. I really don't want anything from her. Thank you Dr. RAMANI for addressing this VERY IMPORTANT subject! You are soo Awesome!
"Healing is an act of defiance."
LOVE THIS!
This was my mother. I had to wait for her to die before I could be free.
She made a big deal about having her will read, and big surprise, she cut my children out of the will 'for reasons which are well known to them'. Their crime? Born of mixed racial heritage. I shamed her forever by choosing to love who I loved, and because he was different than me, I brought unmentionable shame that destroyed her, her reputation,and the family forever, and it was all my fault for doing that. She made sure to let them know she hated them, and reminded me frequently of how disgusting and worthless they were to her.
I was so relieved and happy when she died. Still not feeling guilty about it.
Did you go to her funeral? My mother for some reason thinks that I will not go to hers, guilty conscience I guess.
I was able to be strong to stand up for my child's wellbeing after I thought I had to sacrifice mine. Seeing how it affected my son is what made me get the two of us out.
I'm so happy for the two of you!
Go mama bear. 🩷
My ex was sleeping with a man, Monday thru Thursday at her house. We live 70 miles apart. She would come to my house, on Friday, sleep with me through the weekend. One evening, this man contacted me. We compared notes and he confronted her. I had ended things last October, so I wasn’t as injured but we boy found out that from February of last year until October, she had been cheating on us both. So, now, she’s threatening to send emails n texts that I sent to het in which I had told her about my parental abuse, problems with my son, feelings about others, in my life, that I thought were private conversations between her and me. I’ve filed a complaint with the sheriff and I will pursue that Avenue if she persists. To stop it, she says I must tell this man that I was lying and that I fabricated everything. She’s insane. I sent the man proof of our affair. He’d never believe me.
Stay out of an ex life; it’s easier
If you've been bullied your whole life then understanding this is imperative to surviving society. I seem to attract female narcs like flies
Even at work they might try to zero in on you, apart from your coworkers, get your personal number, etc!
@@revolutionunderground god, I know..then they make a nice triangle and make sure you have a problem with the other person.
Dr. Ramani I have been listening to you for a good while now. I don't really comment a lot but I want to say that I love the way you talk. It's so calming to me. You don't overcompensate when you speak in terms of speed, volume, pitch, content, etc. It's like you know you have our attention and you know you have something valuable to say, so it's just sort of like a relaxing flow. You are such a genuine and interesting person, and just make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Just wanted to say thank you.
Totally agree. We all need to say a huge thank you to her for what she is doing to help us and encourage us and make people realize they are not imagining or going crazy. These people really do exist and they are selfish, evil and mean.
Authenticity HEALS toxic abuse, it's what'll disentangle you from their lies and influences.
That's what my mom did to me growing up. She would continually punish me by not speaking to me for weeks just to "teach me a lesson"
As a neurodivergent person there has always been some part of me that is painfully authentic -in the sense that I just can't force myself to play along with other people's delusions and am very sensitive to being gaslighted in any regard. I would be the one who would say “but that’s not what happened” or “I never said that” or “that doesn’t sound right to me”. There was a part of me that could always see through the façade, or that felt the need to question anything that seemed suspicious. And I felt like that somehow made it worse for me.
Of the 4 children in my family, my mother directed the bulk of her rage at me. Because I saw through her bullshit, I planned my escape and broke away from her at a young age. There was very little she could hold over me. Thus, she devoted more effort to withholding approval, maligning my character, and turning my siblings against me. Her final attempt to hoover me back in occurred during my divorce. When she was rebuffed, she tried to get revenge by writing a letter to my ex’s attorney in support of my ex (who she never liked) getting custody of our children (who she barely knew). I never spoke to her again. She died about 6 years later.
Being married to my ex meant also being married to his mom. They were a 2 for 1 narc package deal. The impression I always got from them was that I was this defiant agitator who just couldn’t get with the program. I didn’t know my place, which was apparently to bring in lots of money (but never draw attention to my contributions, especially if they were greater than my husband’s), provide all the childcare, do all the housework, maintain the bills, and never ask anything of my spouse. He was supposed to go to his job and come home and play video games or watch sports. Meanwhile, I wasn’t supposed to have any goals or aspirations that might distract me from being what they thought a wife or mom should be. I wasn’t supposed to do anything to assert my own identity or uniqueness. And because of my inherent authenticity, I was never able to drink the proverbial Kool-aid. I'm certain that my authenticity was the main catalyst for my divorce, as well as the smear campaign ex MIL (which was mostly directed at my own kids).
But now I am committed to my authenticity. It’s not just this thing that lingers in the shadows. I trust my own judgment and my perception. And I find that when I encounter narcissists now, they are just appalled that I refuse to play along with their charade. They are used to being able to manipulate others or talk their way out of things. They are used to being in control (or at least giving themselves the illusion of control) They are used to being able to offer fake apologies and have them accepted without question. Should there be any doubt that the person with whom I am interacting is in fact a narcissist, their rage always gives them away.
Good morning, just read your story and want to thank you for sharing. My 12y.o. step daughter is YOU🥰 I have a history of NPDs attracted to my empath light. I know its her neurodivergence (read: no b.s., authentic) that threatens her Mom. She moved in a few months ago and I feel like she is safe now. My one job is to ensure her a safe, loving home always. Bless you on your journey and thank you for the hope. 🙏🤗
I just fixed myself after having a mental breakdown after realizing some of their behaviours ( grieving is a part of healing) and this came in perfect timing.thank u
Funny how it goes eh? Lots and lots will start coming now that you’re at this point. Keep reading, it’s a lifetime healing.
@@Stardusted1 So funny bc during my breakdowns i have been feeling like theres nothing more to this and this is such a long lonely journey, thank you for your encouraging and confirming words very sweet of you. I hope nothing but the best for you too friend.
Very good. So true. My father is a narcissist. My sister has narcissistic personality disorder bordering on psychosis and my mother is a covert passive aggressive narcissist. I realize that I need to get them all out of my life asap even if it means my elderly mom winding up on the street. These people are just horrible, especially when they are in your immediate family.
Exhausting is THE description of dealing with them
My narcissistic mother did it by disrupting my opportunities when I had chances to make good money... making me move, uprooting me before things could get settled with a new job or at the end of an internship. She did everything to stop me from earning a good living, she wanted me to make just enough money that she could benefit, but not so much money that I could leave and go on my own. "It's devasting to watch family that you thought had your back, not have your back." Yup, been there, still hurting.
I relate, only mine was my Father. They want you to do sort of well in life that it reflects positively on them~but, they never want you to do better than them. Sick, sick people!
That is was, and still is my situation today. I understand what you are going through.
True story..
This is scary the slow sabotage
That is because the narcissist wants what is best for them not for you but it looks like it’s the best for you because it’s hidden in conditional, transactional and fake love bombing type of love and performance so any person will be confused especially with family because we are conditioned that “family is everything” when it’s NOT. Only healthy loving and genuine family is everything.
They hate that the success you have will also buy you freedom out of the misery they live daily because it makes them think about their own lives too.
It is like escaping a mental asylum where instead of them healing like you they need you as a means of escape and comfort even when it stifles you especially with f you are the scapegoat your role in the family is to be the fake confidence boost to their sickness by mocking and bullying you for their survival like parasites.
My golden child brother who turned into a narcissist has resentment because I escaped like the scapegoat I was by focusing on education as a means of my escape (growing up Muslim it was the only way to escape the madness as a girl child especially) so I had the opportunity to be in another city when I was 17 for college and again at 21 for graduate school and work opportunities for almost 7years in another country and continent best time of my life so much peace I had
I had to come back home because of the pandemic and my narc mother even physically attacked me one time because I told her the truth about her behaviour (big mistake I should have just ignored her rage)while my brother made my life hell daily.
They felt resentment that I missed out on the tough life they lived and chose which was revolving around court and divorce drama that my mother has been going through for almost 11 years fighting my malignant narcissist father for assets. All lawyers and courts are even tired of seeing them every year going back and forth and my brother is stuck in that mess as if it’s his own relationship without his own life and no friends or anyone except my mother who set it up that way for him.
If you don’t live your own life on your own terms for your own soul your family who is toxic (not healthy) will take it from you in subtle ways including ways that are disguised as “help” but it’s really to keep you as a child that can never escape into the real world or live your own life.
Take ownership of your soul and realise that you don’t owe your family anything but you owe your soul the life you chose for yourself and the happiness and peace from that.
My husband came from a narcissistic family. His mother is a very narcissistic covert narcissist. When we were dating his mother decided she hated me after meeting me like maybe 2 times. At the time I just didn't get it because I was a straight A college honor student, didn't get into trouble, ect. My husband lost everything, money for college, the whole family, getting out of that situation. He ended up joining the military to get out from under the control of his mother. She literally went through Navy locater, which is for locating someone in the military if they are lost, to get angry letters to my husband. We got hate mail everyday for 5 years even though she didn't have our address. Everyday getting one those letters was so painful, we stopped reading them, but I did hold onto them unopened in case I needed to try and prove harassment. It was insult to injury when my husband got reprimanded in the military for not speaking with his mother and wasting resources by letting her write Navy locater all the time. I thought we should just keep ignoring her because I felt doing anything would spark some legal battle or something I didn't want. It took over 5 years for that to stop. He lost everything, but it was worth it for the sanity. Thanks for channel, its validated a lot the things I felt but didn't not have words for.
You need a restraining order. That would shut everyone up.
I can't believe the Navy would reprimand him for that and meddle in private family affairs. Horrible! Adults have the right to disappear. They should've told her he doesn't want to be in contact, then blacklist her so they stop forwarding her letters. The solution could've been so quick and simple, why do beaurocrats make it so hard!
"It can be devastating to see family members that you thought had your back; not have your back."
YES! You took the words right outta my mouth! The two (remaining) narcs in my life (father and sibling) tried emotionally manipulating me (pretty sure narc father still is I just can't prove it)...I learned a hard lesson those day...that sometimes family will cut you far worse than friends OR strangers! We are all taught "Stranger Danger" but there really needs to be a lesson on "Familial Danger" cause sometimes it's far worse. It's sad when you trust others that aren't family more than your own flesh and blood!
Living it right now. It's probably the worst pain I've experienced.
I translate "family" as enemy
I cut my narcissist parents out of my life. They may be family, but they do not give a rip about me and they could not have made it more clear. I got out of there for my own sanity and peace of mind.
Yeah, but it's better to find out. I know how painful it is. It has happened to me multiple times.
@@wordswordswords8203 It's only better if you can get out. Otherwise it's just ongoing abuse and manipulation. Believe me, I'm currently living it.
I should say! I had a friend who did not like several things about me that she was determined to change even if she had to recruit flying monkeys. She interrogated me often to determine if I was compliant, asking intrusive questions and becoming criticizing me if I did not give answers that satisfied her. Finally, I let her know that I had spent most of my life acquiescing to the wishes of others and allowing myself to be bossed by anyone who decided to take authority, whether they had the right or not. While I am honored to serve under the authority of my bosses, who are genuinely good and decent men, and I am a law-abiding person, I am not going to bow to the authority of a peer who deems herself wiser and therefor, my authority. No way. Been there, done that. 72 years is dang time long enough to put up with that.
I view narcissists as evil, even needing a form of exorcism. I also view flying monkeys as demons. All can be extremely deceiving to the target of abuse.Especially if you are a child.I also know there are kind souls out there who are wonderful! I am grateful for these peeps in life. Thank you for the informative videos. It validates the inner child, letting me know the abuse was not my fault. How an 8 yr old can be a scapegoat is beyond me.I view all of it as evil. Thank you for sharing. May the power of healing prevail for all in need !
They are very spiteful and malicious for no reason. Anything can set them off. Even them seeing you take care of yourself sets them off. I believe there has to be a spiritual component to it.
Very true! Omg.
These people are indeed under the control of demons. There is a guy named Nelson Schuman on TH-cam who addresses the spiritual component of narcissism.
Happy healing !! You deserve it. 😊
Child predators ALWAYS target really young kids, to groom them to NOT speak up and expose the predator. #ALWAYS EXPOSE THEM
Being nice to them enrages them. They will rage if you tell them to be authentic.
To identify and cut myself off from toxic siblings ,friends was the biggest advancement I made as an adult . The feelings of freedom and reduction in stress are a testament to the importance and necessity of the decisions I made 🙏
Remember : to ignore a narcissist and show indifference is the 'kill shot' , they have NO defence against it , know that this is your super power against them 👊🏻
I can't believe my own dad did this to me when I finally healed from my psychosis and started to feel better from the stress they put me through all my life. It is shaming me, punnishing me, belittling me. The literally tell me what we can 't control you start to hate. I can' t believe this. I am the sweetest person. Truth is, I make now more money than they can ever give me, and honstly good riddance!
As a young child you learn to rely on yourself. Its either complete enmeshment to sacrifice your individuality or completely relying on yourself and knowing you’re gonna end up walking this earth alone.
Edit: wow you literally said this before I got to the point in the video !!
So so sad and so so true. Thank you.
I finally put the last piece of the puzzle and I am 59, attractive, strong, stick up for myself. Could not connect it all until 1 month ago that why wouldn’t I go out with a narcissist. My mother and my twin sister groomed me to only count on myself. My sister hurt me more than anyone. It took me 10 to 15 years to get over her constant, bullying, Betrayal’s since I was a small child. I just ended a 41/2 relationship to another narcissist. The gift is I never connected my sister and mom. I begged my sister for years to love me. Ridiculous you do not have to beg anyone to love you. I don’t believe in revenge. In deference is the KEY. I wish I could right a book it would be sad, funny, interesting, defiant, self help and struggles most of all I still have empathy and remorse because that’s who I am.
@@cherriegreen7447 I believe in vengeance, which belongs to God. They will get what's coming to them.. I can assure you.
Your quip about emails really hit home. When i broke things off with my mother i gave her an email where she could reach me, because i knew if she didn't think she had an avenue to hit me with her vitriol she would resort to more and more extreme measures to get at me.
I registered the email and never logged into it again.
Such a brilliant move! 👏
@@BSmall-yr4qx thanks. It's worked so far. I imagine I've been relegated to an evil myth to be talked about in hushed tones or to be used as an example of failure in her household by now. I don't think she'll bother me anymore. But you never know i guess
Damn, my mother knows my real emal! I never thought of creating a decoy email for her 🤣🤣🤣it's a great idea.
The qualities and traits that were attractive to a narcissistic partner in the beginning are the same that enrage them down the road. And that's such a paradox to notice this sort of inconsistency. It can definitely drive one crazy.
They can also punish you if you become sick and all of a sudden cant give them the supply they want. They seem to be ashamed of you instead.
This statement hit home… exactly expresses what I feel. The battle is so real -
“Devasting to see family members who you thought had your back not have your back. When the army of flying monkeys comes at you, the punishment quickly turns to grief for you - when you recognize that the bargain is you either have to give-up on yourself, and forever be a pawn in the narcissistic persons life, or break- free and potentially loose everyone. These feel like impossible choices.”
Yes especially difficult and sad when the relationship with your 3 adult children is at stake- as in my case
The narc husband is happily going on with his manipulation and triangulation, while maintaining a “ poor me “ victim facade
It is heartbreaking, to say the least.
There is an old saying that I think has some relevance. "You can't lose what you never had." True friends and love never desert you.
@@surayalalloo8667 Exact same situation for me, with the ex narc turning two of our three sons against me. I basically raised our sons to be the independent young men that they are, with lots of love and proper guidance. Their father wallows in his pathetic existence, as a womanizer, gambler, alcoholic, and more recently kicked to the curb by his last fling. He's a pathetic excuse as a former marine, with my own divorce attorney saying as much. The smear campaign and lies he had to conjure up, to alienate two of our sons from me, has been as close to death as I have ever experienced. There is nothing in my past that he could use against me, so whatever he has convinced our sons of, about me, would have to be something close to a natural disaster, for them to buy into it. The evil in this man has no boundaries.
Not exactly impossible for me. But definitely unfortunate I'll admit. But also definitely worth the peace of mind and growth.
This statement hit me to Corinne, It is devistating and hard. But right now, I figure that if people stand up and leave the table then just let them go, and start building a new table for new people. It will take time, lots of time, but the chairs will be full of people who we choose to be with.
"Healing is an act of defiance when it comes to narcissistic abuse." So true! THANK YOU, again, Dr. Ramani, for stating so eloquently something that I felt but never quite voiced. I see now how my ex punished me over and over and over (with money, by withholding love, etc.) for learning, growing, upskilling...just for simply being me. It's an outrage, but there's really nothing that can be done about it now (which is also an outrage!) except try to stay in No Contact mode and work on radical acceptance. I'm really feeling the sting of injustice here (again.) All that they take from us... It's just SO unfair...
Protect yourself against all attacks no matter what
You're better off without them. You'll find someone who loves and adores you for you, and you won't feel the need to change in order for them to love you. 🌻
@@2okaycola Thank you for the reminder to stand strong!💪
@@brianna094 Your encouraging words are so appreciated. Thank you! 🙏🏼
The injustice of it all …..
He used his son & the grandkids to be against me. I left because of all his poor behavior towards me & his cheating. Now I was made out to me the bad guy. He controlled his son & the family with money. I am so sad I had to lose so much for just trying to chose to be happy & healthy.
My 96 year old mother is still able to turn an entire room full of my family against me without a word. Even the "nice" family members are not immune to her signals.
YEP. Oldest truth teller of five here- the money thing was dead on. My parents changed the ownership of the savings bonds my grandfather had set aside for me (for college or buying a house) when I left home. It's ludicrous how these narc parents claim to love their children but play petty power games with them like their own kids are nothing but pawns.
Yes we are just pawns
My parents stole my education and first mortgage money too. Kinda hard to believe they love you after that. My rage held me in pain for years. They basically stole a successful life from me. No education, no good job. No ability to buy a house or have a good life. 😢
My father couldn’t handle that I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps and shit on any goal I ever had for myself. He actively sabotaged me in numerous ways. He didn’t want me to surpass him and he was willing to make sure it would never happen. I used to look up to him and think he was just stern and wanted the best for me, it took me until middle adulthood to realize he never had my interests at heart. I rationalized his behavior as just misguided, I never realized it was about protecting his own ego until much later. He succeeded in destroying me and I don’t know if I will ever recover from the damage he did.
As an ex-step mom, it's absolutely devastating to see what has happened to the kids' psychology after I had no choice but to leave. It tore me apart, but I could no longer protect them and had no rights. I've absolutely been made the villain by my ex. The kids are now teens and have recently contacted me. They understand now, but their father has told so many lies about me. He hates me so much because I was authentic and thrived after healing from surviving him.
For me: The choices seem much less complex when illness strikes - mental illness or autoimmune illness (including burn out) and you learn that the chronic stress is not due to work but due to chronic aggression from narcissistic individuals and their flying monkeys, who frequently demand your time and your resources while wasting and/or missmanaging their own. Its either your life litterally or their demands. I personally have come to believe that geographical boundries are an imporant part of finding peace and calm and getting out of the influence of the realm of the nacissist, but many times people are middle aged adults or older, so moving away and starting a new life elsewhere may not really be an option. I just saw the film "Ever After" (its a Cinderalla story) and it shows narcissism very very well.
They have autoimmune, psych meds, blood pressure meds. Not me. They have rage. What an awful thing to live with.
You know what, I realised that during my first pregnancy I didn't have "pregnancy hormones mood swings". It was my own mother who made the mood swings happen. Now that I am pregnant again, live far away and don't talk to her often, I am totally calm.
@@cb9825 - Happy for you.
Hey Dr. R. Thank's for all you have done for me.After 5 long years i've realized that i'm done learning about narcs.I am indifferent to them now.I'm going to enjoy the rest of my life without ever thinking of them again.Thank you and god bless you.
Self confidence disgusts them
I lost my daughter over 10 years ago, my ex husband, a malignant narcissist, used drugs & abused me & I called 911. DHS got involved & instead of charging him & giving him a consequence, they put him in a program, family treatment drug court. His oldest daughter totally coached our daughter, my only child, to lie to DHS telling them that I was abusing them instead of the other way around, so they removed my daughter from me & that was the last time I had custody of her. My abuser charmed the team of all women on the case & they took custody away from me & gave it to him. He was back on meth two days after they released our daughter from their custody. Their excuse was a lame, you're not mentally stable enough. I was in shock, bit I continued to see him (my friends did not understand that at all, in fact I lost them a few years back), but my daughter was becoming more & more hateful until then, she was joining in on the abuse with him. She not only had no respect, she called me names, yelled them out with her dad. I hate his oldest daughter to date, I get cptsd symptoms at the mere threat that she's coming, she the was reason I went to jail the night my abuser choked me several xs leaving me to a half breath in between consciousness. She saw the whole thing, yet lied, literally ran to the door before I could get to it & told the cops I scratched her dad. His whole family abused me, they often ganged up on me, his two oldest kids, his narcissistic grotesque mother, his brother & our daughter who I lost permanently. She was just way too abusive for me to try & restructure the relationship. She physically jumped on me while I was in bed while my abuser was trying to grab my phone out of my hand at the same time & then she slapped me, covered my face with her hand, he almost broke my wrist, & finally, I got her off of me somehow & she calmly grabbed her phone & called 911 & said, "MY mom is hitting me & she won't stop!" The rest is obvious. 9 months ago after months of reporting him, his rages, threats to put me in prison, getting in my face yelling & clinching his fist, spitting in my face, the cops would never help me, but they finally arrested him for a minor phone harassment charge, not for the charges I had recently been reporting, he hired a local attorney, I never heard from the victims advocate or the DA till the day of his sentencing when the DA called to tell me that I was a criminal & that she was dropping the charges & that I had better think twice before attending that hearing or his attorney would annihilate my character (my ex spiked my caffeine drinks & I have bipolar 1, & I went to Walmart several xs & shoplifted). She was rude & condescending & when I asked her about why I hadn't heard from my advocate, she said, "She's right here, you wanna say hi?" And the advocate said, "HI!", About 2 months ago, he hit me, but he had taken my phone earlier that morning while I was sleeping, I ran out to the street to get some help, Noone would stop to help me, it was like they were too scared to, he called 911, hit himself in the face hard enough I guess that one of them said he looked really bad, & they charged me with 3rd degree assault, destruction of property (I did nothing to the TV & it was mine anyway), and domestic violence. Since then, I've gotten two more charges, violation of a protection order, courtesy of my abuser lying, I didn't even know I had them each time till I was arrested. My life is hell because of that monster, and he deliberately did this cuz he knew I was already in trouble (before I met him, I was never in trouble, I'm 54, I had no such record) and so, after trillions upon trillions of threats to put me in prison, he's now gonna get just what he wanted.
Mine is a sibling. The smear campaign, letters and texts were unreal. I blocked them on everything and when they could no longer reach me I got a letter by mail. The smear campaign were long word salad accusations that were mostly lies or twisted reality. Mostly the recipients would approach me confused and ask about it. The biggest problem is that their kids get it too. For most of my adult life, they have used their kids to manipulate and force me into compliance. Now they tell their kids horrible stories about how I hurt them. I'm waiting for the glorious day when I truly reach indifference.
I laughed about the toxic emails because I've been sending raging emails to my father, my mother, and my brother. My divorced parents of cut me out of the family and turned my two remaining brothers against me. Two brothers already hanged themselves, so I feel justified in sending emails that I hope dump salt on open wounds and bring them to tears. Although I don't think they are capable of empathizing with my life as the oldest son of five boys. Both of my parents were the oldest siblings of their clans. My childhood ended at 4 years 3.5 months when my first brother was born. Not only did my parents attempt to beat the gay out of me, but they broke my soul and groomed me into their personal servant and babysitter. I learned to change diapers before I could ride a bike. I could load and start a dishwasher before I could read. I could operate laundry machines before I could write a letter. And on and on. I had no memorable childhood. And being gay and being well aware of the toxic nature of my family members has made me the black sheep. Of course, they gaslight me and tell everyone that I'm a fool. However, court records in multiple states would appear to create a story that would support my narrative. July 30th is 3rd anniversary of the last brother to hang himself. I will send an email that day reminding my parents that I warned them in an email a month in advance of the seriousness of the situation with my brother and was ignored and mocked. I will remind my parents and my brothers that when they die, I will buy an entire page ad in the hometown newspaper explaining exactly what this person did to me and how they hid it from the world through decades of abuse. I will do it all with a smile. It is the very least I can do for my brothers that died thinking they were unwanted trash.
@mostlyends, I'm sorry for the pain you've endured.
That is a wonderful idea, the full page ad explaining their abusive tactics.
Good for you. Away from that sickness & darkness.
Yours is the saddest yet most precise story of the clandestine evil that these sick people can actually kill you with. The mental and emotional pain they inflict is covert and vicious and goes unnoticed or never beloved or understood. I pray for you because a narc is killing me im physically dying from a broken heart 💔
You are gaining your self- respect back. 🍀💚👏 Bravo
God! I don't know how you endured that. I pray that you may find peace and strength to live a better life. I hope you find a support system that you deserve. I hope you take legal advice before you place that ad page. I pray for your safety and health. ❤️
So..what baffles me forever is this: these creatures mentally disturbed can really destroy kind, good, empathic people without being able to do anything to stop them forever..this is hard to accept. I speak as a survivor of narcissism abuse for 5, 5 years from a female manager...completely destroyed my life...I changed 3 job/companies . Online, offline harrassmanent, flying monekys many many ones..family, friends.I could not grow in any domain since 2017. This is crazy and mindblowing...I did not know something like this exists. And people think they are normal people!
My narc mom scammed me out of everything I owned, including my cat of 9 years. I lost my entire life, all my clothes, my home, my furniture, my wallet, my keys, my photos. She drove my baby girl far away and abandonded her with a mysterious stranger. Everything material I had worked for over the past 15 years was destroyed. All so she could steal 10,000$ in home equity. She is very unstable. I lost my piano, my journals, even my gardening, she hired someone with a chainsaw to destroy my landscaping. The level of abuse I have endured over decades is indescribable - a bittomless pit of grief, a never ending nitemare. Untreated mental illness ruins lives.
When my mom sees that I get light back her facial expression twists, I know there will be an adjustment to compensate.
I needed to hear this today. Thanks Dr. Ramani. The needing to chose between staying as a prisoner vs losing everyone (due to smear campaigns) is so real. I ended up losing everyone and had to literally start from scratch after 25 years of abuse.
i am at 38 and all alone alomost how do you overcome that!
i had a girl friend who is a narcissist. she was always lazy. until today she had 1 job for 1 year. Now she is 35. She was always trying to find guys who are financially established and independent. She tried to find wounded guys. Then she began to tell them how to live. With force. She has imposter syndrome. Her mother wanted to be God. She had a low self esteem. So she told her child that dad did not want her to come to life. Mom used her child to be GOD. She told her "Dad wanted to kill you but I saved your life". Mom caused major trauma with this. To help her child to cope with the trauma Mom decided to make her superior. The girl was treated superior and raised superior. With this she caused a second trauma. Mom died as a god. Because she gave POWER to her. The girl always tries to play the victim of politics and every problem is caused by others.... typical narcissist problem. She tries to find codependent wounded guys. She pretends to be the savior. She is petting your soul and the guys pay... Just like me. Then, when the relationship breaks up because of the invalidation and the attacks, she immediately turns around the situation. She says we, the guys are playing power games on her with our money whereas she deliberately was looking for wounded kind guys who pay her unconditional. This is an obsession and a game of hers. A psychosis. But she knows that she is lying when accusing men using money against her. They are using money FOR her and never want money back. She is making victim of kind guys and easy targets and then she is ruining your reputation with lies behind your neck. In front of everyone possible. Adolf Hitler mindset. 1. dad did not want her to be born. 2. Mom told her to be God. 3. Mom entitled her. 4. She got imposter syndrome. 5. She got entitled. 6. She is collecting codependent guys to pay her. She burns them, eats them alive, one by one. And this will go on until the end of her life...
This is a really interesting insight. Every time she lied to me I would combat it with honesty. My goal wasn't to spite her, but rather to show her by example that being honest is a viable and relaxing way to live life. I wanted her to see how much easier it is, and hopefully grow out of it. I didn't know what narcissism was at the time, and looking back it's saddening that after all I sought to learn from her, she never learned anything from me. Even in her brutal discard text, I responded with compassion because a fight would've made her happy.
What's also really fun is, from my experience, when the pulling away of love involves a narc breaking a promise, and said narc claims to have a moral rule against doing so, they will try to claim YOU'RE the narc for holding them accountable to their word, because how DARE they be expected to keep financial promises, right? The mental gymnastics are incredible.
Being punished for doing something you enjoy, getting a raise at work, Or taking a class you always wanting to take, seems to be the worst thing a Narc has ever heard.