Should You Stay or Leave a Relationship?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 ก.ย. 2017
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my TH-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
☑️ Trust Your Intuition = #selfcare
☑️ Repair w/ Counseling = #psychology
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Should You Stay or Leave a Relationship?
In Episode 002, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, answers the question, "Should I stay or should I leave this relationship?"
In this video, I acknowledge how confusion can make it challenging to make a decision about the relationship. It can be based upon doubt and fear.
All questions for Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge come from members of the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, where we Learn how to create more secure, meaningful, emotional connections.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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☑️ Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
☑️ Learn about The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course: www.healingattachmenttrauma.c...
☑️ Learn about Improve Your Relationships Community:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
☑️ Learn about Grieving and Pet Loss Course: Coming Soon
www.healingattachmenttrauma.c...
☑️ Learn about Healing Heartbreak Course: Coming Soon
☑️ Learn about my new book: Coming Soon
☑️ Follow me on Instagram:
@alan_robarge_psychotherapist
/ alan_robarge_psychothe...
☑️ Check out my website:
www.alanrobarge.com
☑️ Want to learn more about relationships? Then, sign up for the Everyday Relating Questionnaire.
www.alanrobarge.com/everydayr...
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Should You Stay or Leave a Relationship? - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
"Take mixed signals as a 'no'"
"You know relationships end. There's no surprise about that. Your relationships will end. There is no surprise about that. This is what it means to be a human being, but we forget that and we sign up for this fantasy of forever."
Holy catfish. That's a painful thing to hear. Useful, though.
OUCH! I don't know if it's useful for me. If that is true then I just want to give up and not even try. What about all those relationships that last until one of them dies? I have seen some of those and there were good relationships.
Thats not what he actually says. He says MIGHT end...
LavenderplusRoses ppl lo oop
Uuuu
@@theworldisgreenerandgreener the relationship still ends through death. Its a loss.
This man is a blessing. I needed this many many years ago. So glad I found this. Thank you for what you di.
Your videos are changing my life, man. You take an intellectual, sincere, and open approach to discussing real issues and delve into them in a comforting way. Thank you for doing what you do.
Mischief I agree. This channel is so therapeutic and insightful.
You should have millions of subscribers. Evey video I watch is more insightful than the last one. You are really helping people. Thank you so much.
Great video! My ex and I didn't relate. I was anxious and she was 100% avoidant ( she would cook and not say anything to me or want me to help; which i always offered) and did not know what to do; this for almost 5yrs. Everything you said in this video I lived. In the relationship I felt anxious and VERY lonely. I didn't trust her.
I went through this my whole last relationship he had a quality that I really loved and I held onto that for a long time.. it was then that I gained self love and made the decision to move forward for myself because I deserve a healthy relationship and I have to make choices to better my life .
Thanks for your reflection. Glad this video connected for you. Good you are finding clarity.
Although I'm far too late for this one, your videos are so helpful for education and reflective reasons. I learn so much from you when I'm not anxious, but if I am, you're very calming too. You understand relationships and problems like no other. Simply incredible.
This is amazing! You are so well spoken and I love that I can feel your passion for the subject.
You hit the nail on the head every time
Alan is FANTASTIC!!!!! He's so matter-of-fact but SO right!!!!!
Thank you so much!!! I felt like you were talking about me and to me in this episode 002. Wow!!!
So helpful, thank you Alan !
I am so grateful for your kind and insightful teaching. I find so many answers when I listen to your in depth explanations of these very difficult and complex topics. I appreciate you more than I can put into words. I thank you sir.
Fantastic video. So much clearity here.
You are so smart. Thank you for everything
I’m finding this 4 years after you posted but if feels like you are speaking to me directly. This is my exact situation in a nutshell.
Perfectly explained & appreciated 👍
I really relate to the part where you don't want to leave them because you truly don't want them to hurt and feel abandoned as that's what happened to me as a child from my parents 😔 x
Yeah me to, especially when you know that your ex-partner has unresolved attachment trauma and fear of abandonment as well...
Hurts like hell to know what you've done to the other person because simultaneously it's like doing that to a part of yourself at the same time. Oh the pain...
I love all you videos. You are so knowledgeable! Thank you 🙏🏽
My goodness you are always so spot on
I relate to everything you talked about and I relate to the emptiness in regards to not having a relationship. I think you nailed it. I definitely feel the loss when I am not in relationship, especially after an emotionally close relationship ends. Thank you for the work that you do.
You're a gift. Thank you for all the work you put into these videos.
Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate you valuing my work. If you find this content beneficial then consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. The foundation of the community is built on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans, which can help us take action for ourselves. Come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, if you are interested in learning new relating skills and want to understand attachment behaviors then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You helped me in a big way..spot on...
An amazing vid. Thanks for all your support Alan
Thanks for feedback and for valuing my work. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
Perfectly explained...
This is timeless and so deep!! How fortunate for me that Mr Robarge got first hand expierience AND the capability to put it into words, with such a clarity and context! It gives me the possibility to reflect and process. And it reassures me that I am able to develop personal growth.
Thank you so much! ❤
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process. Glad my work brings benefit.
If this video is helpful, then you may also be interested in taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Relationship ends but it doesn't mean it's the end of our happiness and we have to make peace with that or else we will be withholding what we truly deserve. I went through a lot of healing. Self love is indeed a continuous process, it never stops everyday. You are one of the gems Alan! So glad I found your channel. You bring so much insights into how we can become emotionally healthy humans whether partnered or single.
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, that's true self-love is continuous. I appreciate you letting me know that the videos are beneficial for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If this content is helpful then consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. It has a full video library with 24/7 access, worksheets and informational posts. The community is built on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. Getting support from others who are also learning is helpful. It is not a therapy group but a learning community. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also if you want to learn about attachment behavior and learn new relating skills then consider taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. We can understand ourselves and others more by learning the different ways we respond to attachment distress. By knowing the ways we can be triggered by attachment distress we can prepare and be proactive. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I love this Q and A relationship podcast Alan! Very cool!
Your videos are great! I just don't know why I stayed in my relationship for so long when I was so unhappy. Just couldn't leave, but feel so much better now that I'm gone!
Thanks for the feedback. It sounds like that relationship was a good learning experience. We often get stuck or stay too long in relationships when we don't understand attachment distress and how it shows up for different people. This is a helpful piece to the puzzle that can help you understand both yourself and others more. I recently created a course on this. Take The Attachment Distress Quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You might also be interested in joining the Improve Your Relationships community. It's not a therapy group but a skills learning community and members are encouraged to create their own healing direction. There is 24/7 access to a full video library with different topics including secure attachment. You get to explore the areas of focus you want. Consider joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I guess when the student is ready the teacher appears because I am so ready to hear all this but I've been thinking where have you been all my life!? lol You speak as though you have been in my head all these years. :)
Yes, you are a blessing. Thank you on behalf of thousands of people like me who benefit immensely by your video presentations.
In such situations it is important to have a strong inner self. This can be achieved by taking the risk of being present to daily activities without jugement and analysis, giving yourself mental space, and accepting and not resisting what comes, even fear and dispear. Like clouds, negative emotions will pass and serenity and joy will return more and more frequently.
I don't have words to thankyou enough....confusion makes sense now....🙏. I am just going to add one thing here. Being authentic to oneself is very first step to heal the disconnected wound. Stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself.
Well said. And glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. Glad it is of benefit.
This is something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I can't go because it's painful
I hear you. Many of us have also been there.
Can you do a video on how trauma might cause someone to leave a loving healthy long term relationship rather than commit?
Yes!!! I need that too as I can relate to that question
I have had my experiences of LIMBIC RESONANCE with various peoples and hope to continue to have these gratifying contacts.
Thanks for the comment. Glad to hear you've experienced limbic resonance. Many of us are also learning how to create these experiences.
This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us in the conversations. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you again Alan :) so I should stay in a relationship and not to think this question?
Thank you.
glad you like this one. you're welcome. please also share this video with others who may like it.
15:12...16:27....thankyou so much for addressing this.
you're welcome. Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
This topic also comes up in conversations in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
What does it say about me that I don’t want my partner to suffer because of me? Which keeps me from making the move I feel would be in my best interest. I can’t get used to the idea of hurting him when I’m m also at fault-I’m also so damaged and what if I’m the one with most of the issues and it’s not his fault so I’d be giving up a good person.
Same!
@@lmiller1413 I hope you take a closer look then. It didn’t end well at all even tho I’m better off. Despite my best effort he turned completely dark and attempted to ruin me.
I am married now and we have a perfect understanding, but I am tuned to all of these subjects of attachments and others and I understand that my husband’s choice is not towards it.
He has a functional family and it’s not attracted to visit hell to pick peaces.
I sincerely think he counterbalances my need to examine everything in depth.
I have that lasting connection with my mother who passed away in 2011. So I'll draw on that for current relationships that might end.
Same. I found that in order to survive the pain and the "abandonement" of it, I cut her off from myself, which was maybe a huge mistake. We are always in a relationship with them. Still struggling to draw on that when I am in that stage of a relationship though.
Hello, your videos have been so helpful to me and my empowerment. I was just curious... my partner and I have been very self-aware lately in the relationship, resulting in us really fighting for a change. Is it possibly to come back from a relationship that is exactly how you described it? We are so hopeful that want to move in together soon. But your video has me second-guessing whether our ‘progress’ was just matter of buying time?
**that we want to move[...]
AMEN!!
This is a great segment. But I don’t understand how you can’t leave them when you leave them… what do you mean by “keeping a connection” when you can’t keep a connection with them? Surely you need to sever the attachment in order to move on and love again?
Glad you like the video. Thank you for the question. There are a range of conditions that go into negotiating ending a way we've been relating or ending completely. Based on your comment it sounds like you may be interested in learning more about attachment behavior. Check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My partner is generally attractive to many women and converses in a friendly way which is mistaken for flirting. Women get the wrong idea. He has been faithful for the past 6 years and always proves this. He claims the attention is unwanted, and he doesn’t understand how women think he is interested. He is simply a polite and charming person to everyone.
Is this common? Is it his fault?
Does he lack self-awareness? What tips are there ppl like me, dating someone like this?
Thank you for watching and for being so engaged in the material. These are very important questions, and I admire the fact that you are exploring these topics. That is necessary as we grow and navigate some of these relationship distresses.
However, because of the many layers and nuances of this topic, I'm not able to efficiently or fairly answer these questions via a TH-cam comment.
Instead, I think these are great questions to explore within my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. They are the types of questions we discuss with one another and reflect on in our Self-Directed Healing Work. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Nail on head
22:33 ...listen again
23:50
I'm trying to leave a 5 month relationship with a man I know don't love me.
He struggles with intimacy with me. I'm always initiating sex.
And his not into it. I can tell.
It's like his forcing himself.
It's so hurting because I live him. I'm the 5 months I shared with him.
I have attachment trauma which makes it sooooo hard to move on
I'm so hurt
I have the same issue as that man. I’m unsure why I don’t want to be so intimate with my girlfriend but I know that I find it very special and it seems like sometimes she wants to do affirmation. I would talk to him about it and see what he might have to say. Maybe there is something that you don’t know.
@@kaimibiscaino497 I am dealing with this right now. I am just about at the 5 month marker of our relationship. He avoids sexual intimacy at all costs... however, he is extremely affectionate, holds my hand, touches my arm & leg, seems to thoroughly being around me.... but I cannot explain the lack of sexual contact. I am planning on speaking to him this weekend, but because of my wounds, scared he will leave. But how am I honoring myself if I stay in a sexless relationship?
I hope you have been able to look into this more and finding resolution for your needs.
I hope you find the strength to leave. I hope you are able to let go so someone else can come into your life.
I got in a relationship with someone who's only stability was their job. He's a great person but had been around horrible people his whole life and his children & home were neglected too. I really thought he was strong enough to just need a little boost, instead it's been 2.5 years, & everything I've fixed was an insult instead of love plus they fought me the whole time. All 3 of them. So when you say don't bring up the past the problem is it's effected and will effect my children and I for some time. We weren't in a position to devote 2 years to them until u had to ask him to take his children back and he fought me the whole time with insecurities from his 20 year abusive marriage. I didn't mean to get stuck in"fixing",& did try to discuss that I couldn't do it the whole time. It took this long to get any communication. 🤷🏼♀️
HAHA If you clicked on this video you need to breakup ;)
Funny n sad
😂😢
The problem with trashing your family relationships is that you will never incarnate among familiar people again. If you terminate from your bloodline, you'll always be an orphan, in Life.
I mean if you're talking from a perspective of reincarnation why on earth would "always" and "never" be at play for making a change? Adoption, marriage, etc. Families blend. Your family doesn't start at 1 then reduce, it can add and multiply.
12/12 comments by women?
Patrick Mallilo not many men do inner work on themselves