Ending Relationships - Learn to Leave
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my TH-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Ending Relationships - Learn to Leave
In this video, I talk about the skills involved with ending relationships well and gracefully. One obstacle is that the ending is often one-sided. We want our partner to participate in closure and work out the goodbye together.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Ending Relationships - Learn to Leave
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I recently (two weeks ago) decided I couldn't take my partner's emotional unavailability anymore and had to leave...I was going through those intense nervous system reactions you talk about and realized I HAD to go. I had expressed to him in the past my needs and so I know he was aware of them, yet he wasn't able to provide me the emotional reciprocity I needed, and I decided to send a message expressing my sadness over this, but kept it simple and kind. I told him I'm so sorry I need to walk away but I just can't emotionally or physically handle him shutting me out over and over again. I told him I love him and wish him well, and hope he takes care of himself. It was met by being blocked which then triggered my previous abandonment injuries which led me me to such desperation that ultimately led me to discover your channel. I can't express how much your videos are helping me to cope and understand, as well as shed light on my own attachment issues which I never before could put words to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know the videos are enlightening for you. Glad to hear this content is helpful. If this content is beneficial for you then you may also be interested in checking out the Improve Your Relationships Community where members seek out learning about healing. The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means you create your own healing plans. You get to pick and choose what is important for you to focus on. Members have reported feeling supported by sharing their healing processes with each other. Getting support from others who are also learning can be very helpful. Consider joining us in the conversations.
Check out the Improve Your Relationships Community.
www.alanrobarge.com/community
sometimes they just don’t hane the capacity .. there are people that have the capacity
Exactly my situation! and when I thought I had ended it a month ago he behaved like we were still together. I weakened but he treated me like he needed to keep me at a lower level than him. Still emotionally abusive. I realised there'd be no graceful ending with this man. So I've just stopped communicating and have written him a letter to post explaining that I don't need to punish him for not being invested in the relationship and need to move on like he has.
I had to close the door and walk away from a woman with disorganized attachment and I’m anxiously attached. It was devastating and the most painful experience of my life. I loved her and wanted her more than anything I’ve ever wanted. Seeing her dating profile crushed me in a way I can’t explain. My system lit up just like Alan explains. He is spot on and it’s so helpful. I think about and long for her every day. Thanks to Alan I know I need to separate her and the story and know it’s from my earlier attachment injury from my mom. The grief and crying just never stop
@@fringbabyross4718how are you doing now? I hope you’re doing okay. Sending peace and healing
You can't break up in compassionate style when a person had lied, gaslighted, used and stonewalled and was a major asshole to you. All you can just think is why you tolerated all that horror.
Exactly
Btdt, I aim for reasonable on my part since I already know they aren't capable of it.
Be nice until you’ve made your getaway.
I couldn't agree more - it's hard
Very true
5 year relationship who i gave my heart and soul too. he admitted to me that he was in contact with his ex and wanted to explore that. i said good bye, blocked and never looked back. believe me, this was the most pain i have ever felt in my life,. it's not easy but no more disrespect. learning how to breath again.
So many men in a relationship (someone to cheat with) cheat with their ex. What are they thinking? They are so confused about what they want in life
S Z
would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
In the same boat currently. Hope you doing better now.
Been with mine 5 years.....he has brought 2 affair partners into relationship...added more along the way. Addicted to drugs......also new to me......I'm beside myself atm.....been 7 months since I found out about 1 of them......Which I found out for myself.....broken
God bless you. 💖
Why does anyone get into a relationship with no intentions of openly communicating, or putting that person number one always? Why!
That's my current situation that I am in. No communication they just do what ever and steam roll over me. Won't discuss anything finally they tell me two months ago when this started they told me they only apologized when in the wrong and agreed with me on thing's to get me to drop it. No couple's therapy I tried they were resistant so finally I popped and told them couple's therapy or I'm done. 2 months I tried and found therapists and was shutdown in their hands it's been five months and nothing.
Because of their attachment style
I doubt ppl intentionally enter a relationship with that notion.
Believe it or not, if you're giving your partner sex without a marriage commitment, that's a huge reason for a lot of men to stick around when their heart isn't really in it.
Putting someone first when you’re entering a relationship is not healthy. Someone should earn that over time based on mutual investment and compatibility.
My ex broke up with me over the phone. I felt at peace with it even though it was out of the blue. (She was someone unable to have emotional communication throughout the relationship) None the less, I respected her decision, which like most of our communication was confusing, but I started to try to heal. Then every few days she would text me (e.g., “it’s so hard to not have you in my life”) or wishing my happy birthday or asking me to not get rid of everything (we were together six months so I didn’t have a lot although she always bought me random things). The constant reaching out after breaking up was too much, confusing, hurt me each time and so out of reaction I told her to stop contacting me. I gently told her the other times that I need to have no contact to heal. It then ended bitterly. I learned from this experience how important communication is, especially CLEAR communication.
Matthew Freye It’s so hard to end gracefully when there are strong feelings of love mixed with rejection and abandonment- at least it is for me.
My ex and I have been seeing each other casually since the month after our break- which is also hard for me to go from being his serious girlfriend to this....I couldn’t end beautifully before bc I was feeling too traumatized but at this point, I think I could. I’ve been slowly releasing him and could now finally pull the plug and give him the space he chose. Even though I’d rather us work it out, I don’t think I should continue this casual relationship since I feel like I’m compromising myself and my needs.
Matthew Freye
Healthy, concrete, enforced boundaries are lifesavers.
@@rondae7121
WORD! 🎯
Well done
I get stuck like a deer in headlights and delay on break ups to my own detriment. Fear of the unknown, of being lonely, of hurting them, of facing them completely overwhelm me. Please help?
Recommendation: Enter long term psychotherapy
Sex and Love Addicts anonymous has helped many folks .
I’m bitter/temper tantrum + begging style in abusive relationships and graceful in normal relationships- bye, thank you for everything!
good awareness. It's good to talk about how the anxiety in different stages of the relationship cause us to show up.
If you could get closure,
you’d have the skills to possibly repair.
That’s brilliant.
Glad this video speaks to you. Thanks for the comment.
You're welcome to join us in our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video brought tears to my eyes when you talked about the different ways of ending a relationship . The thought of the good bye really hit home . In that moment, I felt the pain of the ending of my relationship. I never grief the ending of my relationship that ended a year ago. Until in this moment. I realize that , I am still in this cycle of relationship trauma. I need your help ,Alan.
It is over and wouldn’t have been if your partner was sensitive, caring, emotionally available and supportive. This hits home…
Glad this resonates. Thanks for reflecting.
Wow I'm just not there. He was avoiding me, silent treatment, refusing to dialog so I just moved out. Never heard from him again except a text that says "shall we take the next steps?" 8 years, 3 kids. Text a divorce. Wow. I picked an extremely closed off man. Learning from thst mistake.
Jenn Memphis wow! I’m so sorry to hear this. I do have a closed off partner but everytime I try to run away he pulls me back in. I love him but know he’s bad for me.
Jenn Memphis I'm sorry that's got to be hard.
I’m sorry to hear that.❤️❤️
Sounds like he moved on to a new relationship but lacked the courage to face you confronting him about it. That's weak.
I’m so sorry 😞...I know the feeling. I hope you’re doing okay ❤️
I broke up with my boyfriend today after a horrible fight we had 2 days ago. I been thinking to myself after the fight. I deserve someone who loves me, support me and got my back. He start his new job today. I don’t want to be his root why he got fired or the root of his unhappy life. I went in talking to him. Taking out my Pride aside. By talking to him in a mature way and soft tone of voice♥️
This video was suggested by my Higher Power via TH-cam right on time. My attachment system is calming down enough to hear you today, Alan. I got disappeared on, and have been reeling. I love your delicate beauty of the hummingbird image.
I had a hideous break up a year and a half ago shortly after the pandemic began. I have been struggling to accept it this whole time. In the past week I've watched several of your videos and I have to tell you, it's the most clearly I've been able to see what really happened from both points of view. I have had more peace in my heart and I'm finding that I'm overall feeling much better. Thank you!
I think you are such a wise intuitive therapist Alan! Im in awe of you! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and authticity with the world! I am so grateful!!!❤❤❤
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit.
If you like this video then you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
My bf and broke up, I didn't want to end it, I was hoping we could work through stuff. Evolve? Pfft..long story short I looked at his phone and saw he was texting friends and his ex that I was insane, bipolar off my meds, blah blah..so yeah, but I am proud of myself, I didn't say anything horrible. I haven't contacted, it's been 2 weeks, I miss the good times, but I deserve someone who has my back. Ugh...love is a bitch!!
Wow ppl are really fucked up. Like why not just have a conversation with you about what he is uncomfortable with instead of texting others...?
I feel u
You obviously did things to show him those actions...learn about your flaws and fix them...dont blame the other person
My husband of 30years did the same thing and still continues , yet He claims to be a Christian.
Raych M sad excuse for a christian he doesnt love himself let alone love someone else
I wish I had that grace. My goodbyes are "FU and the horse that you rode in on." I don't look back even when they come crawling back 5, 10, 15 years later (all have occurred).
I am over here die laughing with the "FU and the horse that you rode in on." I like your attitude. ;)
You are my hero...please post a video about it if you can...have a great life.:)
Oh nooo 🤣🤣🤣 not the 🐎 too
I shouldn't laugh at your relationship misfortunes but you made me chuckle.....I hope you find or have found happiness.
@@lisab.3919 I agree with you!!!
You're videos are absoluteley awsome!! A light in the darkness of confusion and pain of relationships with trauma, thank you!!!!
sounds like the Hawaiian forgiveness and reconciliation prayer for self healing: ho'oponoono. It's a chant - thank you, I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you - in any order.
Your call society made me out of saying here
Society made me voiceless stupid useless
Unappreciated social case ditch if you feel needed. I highly suspect I'd be better off with someone else I'd genuinely meet at one of the venues I go
Through your videos, you are really helping me to leave a toxic relationship. Thank you Alan.
How about the style where a person CANNOT actively leave someone and instead chooses to sabotage the relationship (ie cheating), making the other person leave? I need a video on that :/
@@morganm8271 I did it. I didn't want my ex to know, but probably deep down I knew he could find out and he would then end things with me. It's a messed up way of sabotaging relationships
Yeah, I think that's what my ex did. We were together for about 10 months and Christmas came around. I specifically told him a month or two prior that Christmas is a big deal and very special to me. He showed up, unwrapped the presents I bought him, watched my kids unwrap theirs and then flatly says afterward, "I got you a massage from Groupon. " Didn't give me anything to unwrap nor got my kids anything. This is someone I'm supposed to be moving across the country with and talking about marriage and having a child with. It makes sense that he said a few days prior to Christmas that "the holidays make or break people." I think he tried to sabotage us but it's just too afraid of confrontation to just own his own feelings. I broke up with him. I can no longer handle the cold, avoidant shit anymore.
What if one partner is mature, and grounded and wants a peaceful uncoupling, but your partner (husband) is unstable, immature and victim mentality?
Sounds very familiar to me right now 😢😢
Bellah Nemetona , would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
@@dlwsport250 I am afraid there is no right answer. We are all different. but in my case I am trying to be "above the problem". it is extra hard and it brings sacrifices because with immature partner,you just can't win. And he will never realise that you are trying to make things smooth. Immaturity is a killer of many relationships, my one too. i am trying to do what feels right in that particular moment. It is little bit messy but at least, we are not fighting. that brings certain peace.
Bellah Nemetona much gratitude to you for your time in sharing this with me. I appreciate most that you’re honest and forthcoming and not creating a perfect view.
@@dlwsport250 Thank you for your words. Hope you will solve your situation in your best interest. Fingers crossed. And mind yourself, I mean your mental health because my one got destroyed. Don't let anyone destroy yours.
Where I am! My style is agreement, grace and peacefulness. My partner of 4 years (who I’m 99% sure has NPD/BPD) has been distancing himself for 4 months but verbally denying all of the signs that are super clear. I’ve asked repeatedly and have tried to have conversations to agree to breakup. Each time he reassured me that’s not what he wanted. I’ve assured him that I had no problem doing so. I kept asking to end amicably. He refused. As you mentioned it would require a partner with certain qualities and hence the reason the relationship is ending ANYWAY. He insisted on almost looking for a dramatic exit! Even upon raging and storming out I calmly asked to confirm if this was the end, he refused to even walk out calmly and agreeably. Made no sense. Then no contact and refusal to answer calls and texts. Disappearing 😞. It’s been Almost 3 weeks now. Struggling to reconcile and find closure without his help.
Hey, how are you now, 2 years have passed, what happened?
Hope you are alright
It’s about what you’ve invested. If it was really one sided and they keep telling you they want to be together and they will do their part and the pattern is they don’t and you’ve already invested too much especially if you’re a patient person it’s going to end ugly. If the investment was balanced I could see grace.
I have subscribed and have been binge-watching since! Thank you for doing what you do!
I’m that cat. Not rage, just traumatized. If my avoidant ex could’ve been open at our break, we could’ve worked on the repair. He shut down weeks before ending it. He still can’t talk about it. I like the idea of a beautiful ending though. We still see each other- I can still choose to end our relationship beautifully. The same way it started.
I felt this so much. It’s been almost 6 months exactly since the ending of my relationship. I asked for a breakup, and all the signs were there that it just wasn’t meant to be. Honestly the most hurtful part about my breakup was that during the BU conversation he told me he had been thinking about breaking up with me as well. If blindsided me because I was so afraid to breakup with him and to break his heart because I had no idea that he felt this way, or had that much of a problem with the way things were going. The lack of communication from him killed me. I know I made lots of mistakes, and my avoidant attachment style made it hard for me to commit and be 100% invested but his insecure attachment style scared me and pushed me away. So I guess both of us just had too much we were dealing with on our own to have a healthy relationship together. 2022 has been the year of healing for me. I’m staying single until I can reach a place of peace about the past, and a place of healing my own trauma so I don’t put that on someone else again. Still, it breaks my heart when I look back and see how wounded we both were. Thankful to be on this journey of understanding, healing, and inner peace. Never did get any closure from the relationship, or any healthy communication afterwards, and I’m trying to learn to be at peace anyways. It’s hard though.
I see you processing through. Glad this video sparked reflection. I'm reminded how important it is to understand how our attachment wounds show up in relationships.
If you would like to learn more about how our default behaviors get in the way then you might be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Learn more by taking the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My wife ended it by saying that she was moving out. She was a jerk and ice cold for two years before this and resisted any kind of healing and help within the relationship but blames me for everything. I think that she is an anxious avoidant and I'm a dismissive avoidant. I was hoping that the separation would lead to personal growth and reconciliation but withing four months, she has a serious boyfriend. I'm hurt but I think that I'm more jealous that she was so easily able to move on. It's still hard because we have kids because we have to still relate on a pretty constant basis. I guess it's time to file the divorce paperwork.
I love that ! closership. Approaching it. A good ending. Healing it. Love that feels so much better than the stuckness or aloness of the other styles.
I feel like my partner is someone is someone who likes to bargain. I’ve been trying to give some information that the end is coming. He has been emotionally unavailable and lied many times. I have told him I feel there is nothing he says that I feel that I can trust. He agreed that was fair of me to say but there is never an action on his part to produce a remedy. I think when it comes to the end I will say that I think the best thing to do for both of us is to end the relationship and that I wish him peace and well being. I don’t think he will take it well. I am not angry anymore but I see him for who he is.
Thank you for sharing your reflections. You sound like you have clarity and direction. Skills in ending relationships is sometimes discussed in the Improve Your Relationships Community. Members explore their own Self-Directed Healing and share about their processes with each other. You map your thoughts out well. Thanks for your comment.
I'm definitely the temper tantrum style. I've got work to do.
crzycatl8dy Anxious attachment style? It’s hard to let go. I hear you.
Me Too 😢 In the end he left anyways... 💔 Working on me xxx
Yes I rushed into this 5 years ago , jumped in head first and now feel so suffocated
Thank you for this video. So much i can relate to. Gees, it is very difficult to leave someone you love deeply. "Goodbye, farewell. Be on your merry way. I am going to miss you, every single day" WTP
Yeah :(
I leave a relationship like when you lose a tooth as a kid and it's hanging on by the last thread And you No it needs to come out to just pull it out but you're too afraid
Great insight and analogy. I see you were engaged with this video by what you shared. Glad this resonates for you. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
hey Alan, I understand what you mean by healthy relating for ending a relationship together, it's very beautiful and I believe is possible and almost necessary if you have children together; but, I feel, generally that is why a relationship is ending because the relating is not going well. I understand the idea of a somewhat amicable weaning process and committing to the closing together, but I see that as confusing, because if you're relating that well with your partner, you almost wonder why you're ending it. I feel that if you're that mature about it, then you and the partner can mutually negotiate new boundaries around relating, but it absolutely has to be mutual, otherwise the other is settling for less.
I agree with you 100%. Yes.
Em C Exactly, I’d like to go create that beautiful ending and pull the final plug from our new casual relationship, but then again I’m also willing to repair.
I love your comment - struggling to determine if I want to end my own as the relating piece has been challenging for quite some time now. However, we are both exploring our individual selves further and I believe we can recommit to one another successfully once we have found the clarity we each seek. Thank you for your words
Your videos are a blessing. I’ve never learned these things
Glad the videos are so impactful for you. Good for you valuing learning.
I am on receiving end... painful... so painful... and my partner has a disappearing style...
Anna Antonino You’re not alone. My ex disappeared emotionally 😞
You describe me and my recent relationship so accurately as if you were there.
I have spent many days listening to your videos..thank you
Thanks for the feedback. Glad this content is helping you process through. Good for you for reaching out for resources.
Yes bargaining bc I never should've allowed all the things I did.
WOW, thank you for making this video!
Alan will you address leaving relationships with people who you have children with?
THANKS FOR THIS VIDEO. IT WILL HELP SO MANY PEOPLE HEAL. BE BLESSED. THIS VIDEO HELP ME. THANKS ALAN .
Im proud that i left my relationship with kindness and told him all the good that he brought in this relationship all tbe good that he has despite being diagnosed with borderline that look to me more like covert narcissist , i got nastiness back . I persisted with kindness and not responding nasty but in love and i got eventually an apology for all the nastiness i can keep my hed high ive done it the right way the problem is that 6 months later hes still trying to get back but your videos are helping and i know it was not right from the start , thank you you help me enormously going through the trauma and at the same time having to deal with my ex trying to get back by showing how happy and how easy he moved on and manipulati ng stalking etc i know it would've been better for me no contact like you said the disappearance act but i did everything trying not to hurt him as i know hes like that because of his past yet all he did every interaction initia for 3, 4 months was only to punish me and hurt me for leaving him
Carmen Duma been there, done that. no sensitivity on the other side though. only for themselves but big time there.
Carmen Duma
Would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
I have a difficult time leaving. It's not my style to ghost someone, because I know how much that hurts and leaves someone with questions. I once ended a relationship in anger and build up pain. After a few minutes I regreted the decision. The second time it went better, with kindness... but what followed was very messy because of misunderstandings and lack of communication. I made terrible mistakes, I simply didn't know better. I'm considering to end my current relationship, that's why I'm here. I love him very much, but I'm hurting for months after he changed his job and I started feeling neglected... I also don't want to cut ties, because no contact would destroy my already screwed up nervous system. He was my best friend for two years and boyfriend for another year.
Rosenblau , would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
I just practised different ending versions with a video camera.
Would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
did it work ?
Thank you Alan your videos makes me feel less alone I'm in such a sense of panic now my husband and I are officially divorcing it's killing me I feel bi polar I'm so sad and I can't leave him alone which makes me less desirable I'm so scared
Hayley Hilton I’m in the same boat. Exactly, it’s sooo painful to leave the person you loved or still love, alone or in despair 💔 my partner had made me his life. I feel suffocated sometimes and need to go away for weeks before I feel the need to be with my partner.
WOW STORY OF MY LIFE THE BREAK-UP STOP COMMUNICATING, STYLE "HEALING TIME " THANKS ALAN
Be nice to kitties.
Don't F*** With Cats.
wow - what a great video and so helpful to me - thanks
forgot vindictive style. he said we were ending as friends while in the background he ruined me financially. never a good ending.
Yes, very common. I was ending long term marriage from the heart and based on conscious uncoupling, while he was ending with affairs, financial deceit and rages.
Really liked this video thank you !!!
Very helpful. Thank you Alan
I definitely don’t do endings well 😢 I joined co dependants anonymous to see if it will help me.. I am also reading about shame.. I would like to do schema therapy too.. It sucks when you lose the person you love due to your own issues 😢
Why are u not making more videos? ur videos helped me through difficult time. I am looking forward more videos and your wise words.
I love you for this❤️
Love this content!!!
good!
Your videos are fantastic! Thank you 😊
Ive tried to break up a few times with my gf and i hate it when she cries because when she cries i cry and she tells me "Why do you WANT this?" And im like i dont want to break up i just dont think we are meant for each other and she says, "no we arent doing this no." It's very difficult for it to not get ugly and i always end up second guessing myself
That sounds like manipulation.
@@m.wagner4258 Im still in that relationship
@cody3504 are you out now?
@@chrtyhwrd Yes
I love Alan's Relationship Style~~
So powerful! Thank you!
I wasn't channeling the anger, I still don't I just like to simmer in it. I suppose it is a ego thing but the emotional blow is hard to get over.
Thanks for watching the video. Many of us can relate to these same emotions, and they can be overwhelming to say the least.
You deserve to experiencing healing, so I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Check it out here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Along with this, you might be interested in learning more about my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. You can find out more by taking the quiz at www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
But being super nice makes them think it's going to work out.
What about someone who breaks up with you multiple times?
I love my girlfriend of 10 months but we've been growing apart and she is now saying that she needs time amd space to get her head right, ive heard this before and I know it pretty much just means she wants to finish it but is trying to not hurt me so much in doing so.. i do love her, and I love her kids too..but unfortunately I'm pretty positive she is moving on. I guess if that's what it is i would like to finish it nicely and respectfully and just accept it😪 its really hard though..
I could maybe handle that for closure.. not sure I've tried the nice way before
I’ve tried to end it many times over the past 3 years but she cry’s and threatens to kill her self and I give in and it keeps going and going , I’m so depressed, wish I could be mean but I’m a nice guy just don’t feel a connection in this relationship anymore and she lives in my home ,
I feel like a prisoner in my own home ,
Please help me
I hope you got out of the relationship safely
Cat in the washing machine made me smile at least. That's definitely me and bitter remorseful
I can be the peaceful style when it’s mutual. However, when your partner continuously betrays your trust and not communicating or respecting me then I turn nasty and verbally attck
Thank you so much!
Sometimes at least the FIRST painful break should be straightforward honest and detailed why you can't tolerate the dysfunction. Last one after getting burned and cruelly abused gracefully walk away cut off permanently. After I tried a second time I was mistreated and went into panic mode and triggered by emotional old wounds. Nifhtmare. Done.
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Would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
How do I leave if I have been made completely co dependant financially he holds everything. It's been verbal abuse from his and his enmeshed mum and sisters. My health has suffered immensely, to the point where he has me on psychological medication and keeps a silent track of my moods. This has been he'll inspite of all the financial benefits. I am so traumatized. It's been 24 yrs and he has got everyone on his side and I'm the bady and sick.
Ugh, 27 years and this is really hard. Thank you 💛
I hear you. Endings are hard. Glad this video resonates for you. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
Thanks!
I appreciate the kind donation.
How does one accomplish a beautiful ending if the other party insists on making it ugly!
I didn't create that, but I did allow the instant marriage to happen.
for me is normally the begging style me begging the person not to go
Making promises I can't fulfil. and then I wake up and realise actually oI have to leave because I've embarrassed myself by begging.and then I tried to go back shortly approx a week after the ending or few days i vew whole situation as an abandonment
Thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate.
Definatelynthe begging style because I never wanted him to feel I abandoned him I tried my absolute best to let him down easy like he said i need space , I'll move out we can still be friends I realised he was suffering more when I would still act like best friends when he still loved me it took time and effort for me to realise I do have the right to leave the guilt is still there
Jessica Mallinson ,
would you please offer advice as I don’t want to “evaporate”. I want to be respectful for my selfish peace of mind. I gladly accept your wisdom.
@@dlwsport250 communication is key you have to be 100 percent honest about why you cant be with them any more no excuses even if it sounds harsh dont tell them your going to break up until you have everything planned and your ready to take the step to leave the home etc i got the courage to tell my husband it was honestly the scariest thing I've ever done because I knew they will be no turn back and its would leave him heartbroken but after I did it I felt truly free I'm so happy i did it. then a few weeks later I sent him a written letter thanking him for our time together and also the reasons I fell in love with him he said it helped him alot you'll know when your ready to just do it other wise they will be confused saying you will break up then you stay for a while dont lose your self and your identity to please someone else in a relationship x
Jessica Mallinson I am so grateful that you took this time to share with me your experience. I am doing that long slow plan exit. To clarify, I have not called him once in three days but have kindly taken most of his phone calls. I have returned his text messages with polite answers. Somehow, I feel like he is starting to get nervous. However, I have no evidence of this. He is out of town next weekend. As such, I can go get the rest of my things from his house. I thought about being at his house when he got there to explain to him that I simply just do not feel safe with him anymore and that I think his drinking has led to this feeling. Do you think this is too many reasons? Or should I simply leave it with I just no longer feel safe with him? Again, thank you for your energy and your generosity.
If you do not feel safe that's completely different you need to tell your family or friends exactly what you plan is so they can support you and make sure your safe at the time it may be easier for you to leave a letter with both the reasons you fell in love but the reasons you leaving so it's clear your not going back the day you get your things when he is out. I feel from my own experience you may feel like he is nervous because its actually you who is nervous about the situation. its a massive step in your life but you know in your gut, deep down if it's right for you. I hope it goes well for you it seems so scary but you have to do it for your own future you can start a new life being your true self xx I wish you all the best hopefully it will be a wake up call for your partner to get help and eventually they can have another relationship with someone else and we can just try not to make the same mistakes again x
Be as specific as you can in the letter as it will help him understand exactly what he needs to change in future x
How to stop the dissapearing style 😔 i do it beacouse i feel like i can’t be honest when it comes to ending .
I hear you. Thank you for the question. It's not a simple answer and it's so important to talk about skills in ending.
Ending relationships comes up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I always thought if someone was going to no longer be an active part of my life. In other words bo longer feel the desires or needs for being in my life. I would want to love me out of theirs.
I guess just be as loving and caring as they were before they no longer felt that level of comment. I guess I want to be friends and not feel the need to grave the connection with harsh burial words. I think flowers are beautiful on graves but the dead don't enjoy them.
Find a place to move to first.
Good plan. Thanks for the comment.
That is very wise.
Do you do private sessions via Skype ? You may just change my life. YOU GET IT.... i cant beleive you are actually get it AND you have put it into words for me. thankyou thankyou thankyou Alan.
it seems we're all very similar
In a loving way.
yes
I guess my process was a letter, but only after he disappeared.
Frank, Yes, we explore this idea often in the community. Many of us can relate: www.alanrobarge.com/community
When should we leave?
Skills in ending relationship is another recurring topic in the community. Thanks for the question.
Honestly I don’t believe a committed marriage for example should eve End. There should be nothing other than abuse or something like that that makes people give up on working on themselves and working together to make the relationship continue. Generations and generations thousands of years people have had relationships and commit to staying in the relationship no matter white, barring abuse again, and people learn to put the other person first and they grow. This idea that a relationship is only as long as it works and then I leave is the problem today
To be honest if we have to end a relationship that serious, and you have to beg or be a cat in a washing machine or being mean or do something else to end it, why in the world would anyone want to be in any relationship? It’s just too much pain ready to happen pretty much every time. I don’t see the point in investing in relationships if this is how it Hass to be
There you go again, telling the truth. If you could do this, if you had that skill, you probably wouldn't be breaking up!
Um...what would a breakup that is like a cat in a washing machine look like....?
Definitely temper tantrum... 😞
hahaha...by day 3 you're married :-)
Glad you found the humor in the video. Thanks for the comment and for watching. I appreciate it.