Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Exactly! My two long term partners started by bombarding me with love attention, messages night and day etc but of course once they have you they slowly lose interest and I'm then the needy one longing for their attention and love and comfort and it's not there.
Agreed!!!! I keep saying to myself, why do I seem to attract emotionally unavailable men because they love bomb in the first 3- 6 months, i develop feelings and them, then due to whatever circumstance , they lose interest or pull back and I'm left sad and disappointed with myself for committing and giving my heart away to soon. It's baffling. And I then keep telling myself, I have to date and have fun to get to know them Any way. I'm remaining optimistic about my love life- I'm hit the jackpot one day lol . Best wishes to all in the dating game!!
I had it in the first THREE YEARS. A lot harder to break up after that.......but I did! If three years is too soon, then how much longer should I wait? Should I wait at least ten years before getting any closer/becoming vulnerable and committed????? Three months is a piece of cake for me. I can never fall in love in three months, not even in a year - no matter how passionate sex encounter might be. But I can wait for three years, and even that can be too soon to notice emotional unavailability coming. If one can fake oneself so good for three years, then even that is too soon. Today I think for sure they can't fake their "concern" for me for ten years........or if they do, ten years is a good chunk of time to enjoy and is worth being discarded in the end because the pain of grief/loss will last about 6 months. 6 months of pain in exchange for 10 years of joy (even if fake joy, but fake on their behalf, not mine:)) is pretty good deal to me.
Yes, it's easy to see it when it's visible from the start. But when it's not visible, and it becomes visible after you fall in love, it's hard to just stop trying. Anyway, in that sense, we need to learn to distinguish genuine interest in us from love-bombing. When we don't catch the love-bombing, we get hooked emotionally. Then, it becomes harder to get off of someone that you are already hooked on.
Take off the rose colored glasses, ground yourself in a neutral place, resist the urge to make excuses for yellow/red flags, and most importantly LET PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE. It takes much less time than you think, but requires a mindset of self-worth/respect. You can be nonjudgmental and still make choices based on what truly belongs in your life, what's healthy for you. Don't fall for potential. Cultivate that gut instinct, it will sound off when someone's not right for you.
My question is not how to we notice it, its not hard to notice the dis balance in a relationship, but how to BECOME attracted to people who are available and show their affection freely? I get turned off by guys who show me as much affection as I give to them 🤦🏽♀️ i dont know how to heal it...
I never feel attracted to those people when I see them as such from the start. The problem is that those unavailable people attract me because they always act as emotionally VERY available in the beginning. And only after I become attached to them, years later, they become unavailable. If they were like this from the start, I would never even find them attractive. Also, when I would start to notice their lack of enthusiasm and interest in me, I would always talk about it and ask in a super gentle way why they changed. And they gaslighted me. They never openly said: "Oh, I decided to become emotionally unavailable to you from now on." No way they'd ever admit it!!! They always say: " Oh, I'm just too busy with work right now" Or worse, they start accusing me of selfishness/neediness for even asking, leaving me feeling guilty. But I realized what it was after I learned about "breadcrumbing","slow-fading", "keeping me in their orbit", "orbiting/ keeping me as an option" and so on....I decided that in such times of change it's better for me to shut my ears and STOP listening to their words. Then I'd better START listening ONLY to their actions. The words will be very confusing! They twist the narrative to keep me hanging there for their advantage and I blindly believe them, always assuming I must have misunderstood something, always doubting my sanity and never theirs.. My new rule is: "No more confusion! If I feel confused and if I feel change in their behavior and they deny it - I am OUT of it. No explanation even needed! I've had enough of heartaches.
Have you ever noticed that if you have a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships that when you do meet someone who is present and available, they can seem super intense and it feels pretty uncomfortable at first?
Sharyn Fields 100%. I have in my past been the emotionally unavailable one. I have done a lot of work on myself and then got into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman. I was so present in the relationship. she was in equal part highly attracted to how present I was and at the same time utterly terrified and overwhelmed by it. She kept pulling back and leaving me wondering where I stood. It came to the point where I just had to walk away as it wasn’t enough for me. Being able to see this phenomenon from both sides of the fence is very eye opening for me.
Never happened to me. I never meet people like that. Or they might be super nice and polite and friendly and have a seemingly cool personality but be married or be on drug or be smokers or have criminal record, there's always something weird that comes up later, which makes me lose my interest.
Omg...every time!!! Now I just stick with it. Also..asking for what I need, having proper boundaries and not people pleasing is having a major impact on who I'm attracted to
"trying to play ball with someone who isn't even lifting their arms"- ouch, that was a hard truth to face up to. The "disgust" really resonated with me too- a real physical disgust.
Glad to hear this video resonated for you. Sometimes it's a hard reality to face. It's important to keep talking about this to bring awareness. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with others who may like it. Thanks.
So you now understood it and all your relationship problems are fixed? Let me guess: they're either the same or have gotten even worse. Find the comment I made under this video for the actual problem and the actual solution to your problem.
I am attracted to non-relating ppl and it definitely comes from family dynamics. For example, even when my mom hugs me, I feel nothing but it looks good. There is no emotional connection between me & my siblings. I almost chase them trying to connect emotionally! 🤦🏽♀️ I am surrounded by unemotional available people. I definitely ignored my needs to have this “fake” connections. It makes perfect sense. Back to the healing lab I go!! Thank you! This is life changing information.
It’s sad that so many people are afraid of intimacy...even parents and siblings. You are a very beautiful lady. Your mum and siblings may be jealous of you, especially if you are warm, kind, generous and loving and have many talents for which you’ve have received a lot of praise. I wish you TRUE friends who appreciate you and a mate who adores you and cherishes you, who’s present and there for you through thick and thin. ♥️🤗
Girl go and do the inner work. Work on moving from an insecure attachment to a secure one. Then you will attract a secure partner. Both of you will be emotionally available for the relationship.
I'm always in it by myself the fantasy gets. Activated. Right now I'm in a relationship which I've been in for two months but I feel like I'm the one who cares while he's just cruising through. 😊 says he loves me but .... Anyway I'm just going to lay pan out because I'm tired of the single life
I've broken up my boyfriend and written a dating check list. Because of my emotionally abusive parents I had no idea that I could or should be picky. I thought I was flawed and so I attracted these men, but now I see that I can simply raise my standards and be single until the right man comes into my life. I'll be doing me and having a great time in the mean time.
Yes but wjat if you're single for years like i have been? Dating websites feel insincere and i have attracted passive agressive men making comments on my looks
Don't ignore red flags, trust you gut, know and stay firm with your boundaries, value yourself and body, and know your worth. That will weed out the narcissists, psychopaths. Emotionally unavailable is a little bit more tricky to figure out !!!
What is love? Alan, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more!!!! I was driving and listening to this episode. When you said - ”you're attracted to absence”, I thought I would crush into the railing. I also need to say: Alan, where were you when I needed you 15 years ago?!! 😉 You might have saved me so much suffering...
I really appreciate your work. There are so many 'get your ex back' channels on here and not many that truly let us understand why they failed in the first place and why we can't let the person that does not care about us anymore go because of our attachment issues.
Ego and boredom is what keeps these people coming back around and never fully engaging. No one wants to hear this, but if a person is half-assing it with you - it's because they think they can do better or are pining after someone else. Their emotional energy is there, it's just not directed at you.
The imaginary is really useful. I loved the ball example. That makes so much sense. I just broke up with my ex for the second time after he said he would call me back in an hour and 2 days later still hasn't heard anything from him.. So that was it for me. Second time round, I'm not putting up with being ignored/feeling undervalued. I put up with that enough the first time.
@@IceESole We sure are. Best decision I have ever made and today I talked with my mother about our relationship and the emotional trauma that I had from that. 20 years later, first time we spoke about the elephant in the room! I'm emotionally adulting, lol!
Great talk, very soothing and healing. No tolerance for non relating. No romanticizing the disconnection and imagining an important part of relationship which isn't there. No shutting oneself down.
I tried sooo hard not to fall for the lovebombing this time around, but I’m not even sure if it was Lovebombing. It was just constant communication. I got addicted to the attention, constant text messages. Even when I tried to create space he would say things like he missed me or would become more enthusiastic and attentive. As soon as I caught feelings he deactivated and cut me off and threw me away like trash. Never heard from him again. HORRIBLE Feeling. I’ve never felt so worthless and discardable. Like how does one go from constant communication to disappearing off the face of the earth never to be seen again?
I’m so sorry you met with an ass like that……. I had exactly the same happen and it totally is soul destroying and I’m still after 4 + months trying to find peace and not feel shame , worthless and depression, I still think Something is wrong with me!! These types are either narcissistic , DAs and have mental issues! Hope you heal and have a wonderful journey moving forward. 🌺🌸🌷
It's really really hard to get in touch with these feelings when you've been in a relationship for thirteen years where you've acclimated to their emotional unavailability and heard over and over again how it has nothing to do with yourself, it's just "how they are." And you acclimate and you acclimate and you acclimate because you love them. And then one day they leave.
I had to tolerate the suppression of my own needs through all of my childhood and teenage years. Even when I expressed my own needs they were met with harshness from both parents. I have a hard time now figuring out whether or not what I’m looking for is a need or neediness. I have also noticed though The acceptance and reciprocity in many people as well as the resistance and discomfort in others, especially as I have become more vulnerable with friends and family whom I have known for years. It’s so interesting to see and experience. I am grateful to your insights as they help me grow in my path forward.
I can totally relate to your opening 2 lines! It's tough isn't it?! It conditioned me perfectly for my first marriage, which was to a sociopath (I was with him for 18 years). Much love and best wishes to you! 💞
LinYouToo I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community
Paul 1 thank you although I know this response is four months late 😉 It’s been a long journey but well worth one. With professional help. I still have a ways to go but I am on my way for sure.
I hope one day you might work at the best psychology universities with the department heads and write beautiful courses for them, because your emotional intellect, intuition, experience, and everything you possess, is beyond brilliant. I appreciate everything that you do in creating this content and making it available for us all, thank you so much
Sharmin, thank you for the kind, supportive comment. Thank you for valuing my work. I am glad to hear that you are receiving benefit from my videos. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.
Great video, Alan! Thanks so much. Just broke up with a man who usually shut down for 1-2 days after an argument. As I were non-existent. The differences were around closeness to other ladies - his adult students asked him personal questions and he replied and sometimes overshared; some sent him heart emojis; some grabbed his hand while I was standing next to him and he did nothing. He kept saying that they were like that and it was not his fault, let them be. I felt hurt by him not taking my side - he never understood why I got emotional in such situations. I wanted to be his priority. He said I should see a doctor as I always created drama.. i am happy that I chose me and my values.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma that is so affirming and I think I just did it when I finally listened to myself and realised this person was not what I wanted. But the following grief made me doubt myself and I NEARLY reconnected...but listening to your videos instead has made me realise that I AM breaking the old patterns and that I need to be more emotionally available to MYSELF first!
Maybe being drawn to emotionally unavailable people is also some kind of not being comfortable with emotionally available people steadily connecting and initiating and rather drift towards people letting you have your own way of not connecting.
@Zawiedek This really resonates with me. I am learning in this process about my own need to disconnect. I'm not sure where that line is sometimes. I guess its just about finding a good balance for both people, not just one over the other.
I’m noticing more and more the people who want you to be a witness to their life experiences, thoughts, and feelings but who are unable to reciprocate. This leads to very unbalanced relationships which are never healthy. I experienced this with a so-called friend who is more like a long time acquaintance where there was a lot of relating on my part and none on hers. This was me trying to play ball for both of us. I was the only one rowing the boat. I stopped rowing a few months ago and haven’t heard from her since. I’ve decided that I’m only going to roll my boat toward people who offer a mutual friendship and everyone else will be an acquaintance that I’m not investing in. I feel sad this for how much I’ve put up with through the years or accepted and yet gratitude for having recognized There is a much better way forward that is healthier for all parties involved.
I can relate. I have literally sounded myself around unemotional available friends...family included. I definitely lowered my expectations and need to feel connected.
LinYouToo there literally are tons of women that only want a “friend” around so they can vent all their daily issues so they can process them. They do not want a two sided conversation and will only call upon you when they need a willing ear to dump their negativity. I hate these energy vampires. Stay clear of them.
My thoughts are, different people play different balls, ⚽️ 🏀 🏈 🏉 🏓 🎾 🏸 , you need to find your battle and find your partner to play the same game, other people just watch if they are not interested, dating is managing expectations. Being up front abt your game would help to clear.
April Lynn sorry my response is a little late 😉 What you said about surrounding yourself with unemotionally available people is something I can relate to. Not everybody in my life but a few people for sure. Maybe I expect too much from them? It took me a long time to figure out that I had a choice to lower my expectations and stay with them or keep my expectations where they were and let the person go and surround myself with people who are a better fit. The latter has worked out much better because once I let the wrong people go the people already in my life showed up in ways I could not have imagined. And our relationships begin to grow even more. In other words I put a lot of time and effort to win the favor of people who could never give it to me. Just like my parents. Go figure but that’s what I did. I don’t do that anymore thankfully but it took a while to get there.
You are the most insightful,smart,honest relationship person I’ve come across on the internet. Your love for the subject really comes across.It’s almost like you know my exact situation. This really helped a lot. I have much self reflection to do. Thank you very much for the work you do.
That's how chemistry works, lol. But we are animals capable of higher reasoning. Put it to good use. I tell myself, "Yes, that is a very attractive meat suit. However I need to know more about the person inhabiting it before I make a decision on compatibility. I know nothing about their character. Insufficient data, still collating, please hold."
Wow... yea. I was a single child most my life and parents weren’t very engaging, they didn’t show up to many of my events... I would scan the crowd for them and they wouldn’t be there and I remember playing board games alone too... makes sense.
hehe yep we do fill in with fantasy. I had to come around and realize, huh. She doesn't know when my birthday is, she shows little interest in me, I'm just here to entertain her.
What about when a person yo-yo's back and forth between being emotionally available and completely engaging, to being avoidant and condescending? And what to do when after you end the relationship and set up boundaries, that person doesn't respect those boundaries?
ivylinden I had this exact problem with my last ex. She is very needy but doesn’t care for my own needs. As soon as her needs were fulfilled she would withdraw and pull away. Anytime I voiced a need or concerned she couldn’t be bothered.
It took me a year of “dumbing down my needs” waiting on him to get through the work, the stress, poor follow-through, no planning, blah, blah, blah. I warned him and then just went cold after another weekend gone by of him not following through on plans. It’s been a week and he’s texted twice “hi” - low investment and zero concern to even call and see if I’m ok! Haha - I’ve allowed this nonsense!
Wow, this is a wonderfully clear and thoughtful post. I didn't realize how much I was trained to internalize emotional unavailability from my father causing a higher of tolerance in relationships. Thanks so much!
I have a question for anyone. Do you find people don't seem to really want relationships? I call this society a selfie society. Its like people only want to be in a relationship that only benefits them, and then they don't give any part of themselves. Am I wrong? Please comment if you feel to.
+WATER-MAN thanks for responding. Maybe you are a highly sensitive person. There is a book on it. Why do we keep blaming ourselves when others are insensitive? Check out the website Dr Judy WTF. what the Freud. She is a psychiatrist with a lot of insight. Dont believe you have to be alone all the time. Take care of yourself.
+WATER-MAN I am a Christian and still struggle too. God does love us even though we may have never been loved correctly by people. There is a good u tube video called love letter from God and it's all based on scripture. Check it out and I hope it helps some. Take care of yourself and believe things can get better! I can't put anyone on a pedestal because they are only human. I know Good wants to be first in our lives. I try every day to put Him first because nobody can give me all that I need or what I did not get growing up.
People nowadays are quick to throw the relationship away if their feelings get just a little hurt (not talking about cheating or anything major like that) or starts needing some work. They just expect things to work perfect or they detatch themselves and move on.
Mary Wolfe- Thank you and bless you. I agree about God: that Jesus said he could not put his trust in man. I now see I had idolatrous relationships; of much expectation; expecting others to meet in and for me ; only what God can. And naturally, the result was more pain. He had to take away All my rels; to get me to surrender and now my faith is different. It us now about healing those childhood attachment traumas. Tgis channel is great. I shall check out your suggestions- Thanks 😀xx
No you are absolutely RIGHT. People want to be around another peraon but not necessarily want to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with them. A society of selfish emotionally crippled non-relating jerks
Such great imagery. Really helps me to see what's been going on/ what I've been tolerating. Not only that, that I've was trained to tolerate this in my family of origin. I love that you chose to talk about becoming aware as the first step! Thanks Alan, your awesome! Can't wait for whatever you put out next!
An attraction to unavailable partners, means we are repeating how our primary caregiver treated us as infants and children. Being treated badly by our caregiver means in adulthood we are going to attract the relationship similar to the one we had as children. We need to heal our inner child wounds. Then we will stop attracting crumbs of love. We need to value ourselves. Then we will find a partner who truly values us as well.
Thanks so much for your comment. These are good insights, Carla. Addressing old wounds and valuing ourselves is key to healing. Diving deeper into learning more about attachment trauma is why I created the course and the quiz, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I invite you to check out the link below to continue your exploration of this topic. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you so much Alan, this video is awakening to me. I was dating a emotional unavailable person who is abuse alcohol because of chronic pain and in a long distance relationship. I was the one sitting at both side at the dinning table and playing two rolls in the relationship...
I’m so thankful for you and your videos. I have seen a few therapists trying to get help with attachment trauma and no one was helpful. You are amazing.
I guess it is a willingness to overcompensate.. Over-under standing. You are throwing the ball.. And you run over to the other person and take the ball and throw it for them as well
Thanks! Awesome! I have mostly one way relationships or am by myself....silent child/hiding in life. I don't give up relationships even after they don't show interest.
Ugh why am I almost 27 and still attracted to these kinds of men 😔 probably because of my father's attitude, I need to change. Thank you so much this video is very informative!
This video was so spot on ! I can’t believe it ! It was so good and so insightful and helped me so much ! I’m on my journey to breaking my co dependency and this video was amazing ! THANK YOU 🙏🏻🙏🏻
This is lifechanging. Thank you so so much! I've been devestated like trying to figure out what is wrong with me and where I failed. This is so refreshing to know that its not only my duty to make it work. This is so crazy. l've been navigating things all along, noticing disengaging patterns *BUT I Felt that this is still all my fault* Your explanation make it clear to me that It's not only my responsobility and there is no reason to feel any shame about having desires of emotional response and nice pattern of connection. THANK YOU!!!!!!
I can understand. Many of us can relate with struggling with these beliefs. Thank you for valuing my effort to capture difficult relationship dynamics and explain them so they are accessible. Glad it brings benefit. Also, if this video is helpful you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes deeper into these dynamics. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yaaay! Podcasts! Congratulations on Episode 1, Alan!! You've picked a great Topic to start with, I found what you've said extremely helpful. Thank you =)
This is amazing how you explain this! I actually am starting to get it and know why my relationships have been the way they are. I'm so glad I stumbled onto your videos. Keep up the good work and God bless you and your ministry!
Omg i am so grateful for all your videos, Alan! Sometimes what you are saying sounds like a very hard pill to swallow. But doing this is so much better than to continue being miserable and deprived of the emotional connections. I really love the metaphors you’re proving!
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit. This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Great to hear that. Thanks for valuing my work. I'm reminded of how we need to start with a plan. It's so important to talk about Self-Directed Healing. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with friends who may benefit. Help me spread the word. Thanks.
My dad was physically there ..he was a hard worker and a provider but he was very detached emotional and mentally. He did not come to my school programs .graduations...recitals ....he never once said I love you...I'm proud if you..you're beautiful.. I learned to gage his emotionsl from his facual expression and body language. He rarely spoke to me accept to criticize or lecture. I loved my dad and I believe he loved me in his way. I often wondered tho what he was thinking when I was around him. He's gone now ...but I'm just beginning to understand why I choose certain men or why I have trouble making decisions i nor setting boundaries. I am healing and ev loving into a more assertive and confident woman at the tender age of 50.
Rana and Dee, I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alternatively I am attracted to the fake persona they build. They try to be as much like me as possible, hyper focus on my special interests, and become my perfect match. THe ones I've dated have done a great job faking emotional connection though the love bombing phase and I get swept up by the praise and worship, and I always think they're the perfect one for me and the only person in the world who understands me.. but there's always an empathy disconnect eventually and I realize it repeatedly they miss the mark when it comes to empathizing and caring about me (just get sick or have surgery). How do I fall in love with someone who is a REAL person and isn't pretending to be my ideal match. I find every normal person to be too boring and not similar enough to me to inspire any feelings.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Freddie. We explore the "how" in the online membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. Please consider joining us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad that part stood out for you. Yes, that experience is frustrating to say the least. Thanks for the comment. If you like this video then you may also like taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Wonderful! Just learnt so much in this short podcast. Thank you so much (again). I love the playing ball analogy, and have a better understanding already of what I have been accepting. No more! x
This is so helpful! Incredibly clear and informative. By far the most valuable discussion of emotional connection/ avaliabilty in relationships that I've heard. Thank you !
not only do i attract enotionally unavailable people as love interests, but co workers and friends alike....maybe it is just that there are so many screwed up people in the world, especially in the west, you have no option to bump into them... Why do i attract them first of all, is what i want to know
You can't help who you attract. What matters is who you entertain and keep in your life. I am guilty of the same, but learning to no longer let unavailable people hold a position in my life.
I think it's cause maybe they have trust issues and they have been hurt before us! The. They end up doing the same thing to us without realizing it it's called a negative cycle! But I'll make sure that my negative behavior won't be like theirs.
thanks for valuing my work. glad you benefit from the video. If you would like to become a sustaining supporter and invest in my efforts to offer quality content and also for the creation of new, future videos, please check out the donation options. Glad you find the video helpful. www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Jojo, thank you for the support. Glad you hear you liked this one. You might also be interested in my new course. Learn more by taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was and partially I suppose am this person still. I've been staying out of relationships for a year now despite invitations... I can see so much better now. But how to invite healthier people is the question. I also want to help these people because I was once there. I really appreciate these videos Alan, they are very informative. I've been listening to you over a year now and they are incredibly helpful and I truly hope that people who are listening are truly absorbing the information. The problem also arises when people fall back into old patterns. I won't allow myself to do that. But I am still around these kinds of people. They are my friends and I do not wish to cut them off...
I love this so much! Your podcasts are so validating. You help me make sense of what happened in my relationship. We weren’t playing ball. I had a huge tolerance. I like that word. Now he’s with a new partner. I’m left in the wake of confusion and resentment. He’s happy (I guess) with the new one. (Probably the same stuff)
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit. I hear you about these dynamics. It can be challenging sometimes. If you like this video then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes into what gets in the way of emotional availability. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You're a very gifted counselor. I have a snow day today and I'm spending it learning from you, it's such a relief and so empowering to hear these concepts explained so well (metaphors work!!) Thank you so much for everything you do.
I appreciate the kind comment. Glad my work brings you benefit. Thank you for valuing my efforts. If you like this content then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. You might be interested in checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
I have finally found the answer of what is actually happening and I am l no longer choose to be part of the game he plays as he feels validated or his ego boosted through me showing interested.
Esha, I'm glad you liked this one. I appreciate your comment. Thank you for valuing my work. You might also be interested in a course I recently created because it explores self-protective behaviors that get in the way of staying emotionally open. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
It’s so deeply in our unconscious mind and that’s why I experience already as a baby probably and as a child but I had an emotional and when would be a mother who never gave me a hug, who never played with me, who did not care about me, who didn’t pay attention to me as I was a piece of furniture, who were going away when I was running after her. Never looked people in her eyes when she was talking but she was most of the time quiet and she was like a ghost. Or she was like dead in a living body, only her body was present but not her soul not her emotions. You could never know what she was thinking of feeling and she had always the same expression on her face. Maybe she had depression but I blamed my mother to have brought me to this world. No wonder I got an autoimmune disease as a result of my childhood trauma and emotional neglect and I even started to think about suicide after I got this disease in my childhood and I was thinking it would have been better for me to die when I was about 12 or 13 years old and no wonder I am attracted to men who are like my mother: emotionally unavailable. This is like a never ending circle repeating over and over and I don’t know how to stop it how to get out of such relationships?
Thank you very much for your video. I learned at lot. I never heard that from psychologists! That says a lot about the limitations of formal psychology training!
Thank you for the supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear you got a lot out of the video. You might be interested in a course I recently created. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, we talk more about emotional availability in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Amanda, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I like the analogies in the podcast and makes a lot of sense. I’ve been aware of my pattern with people who are emotionally unavailable, but the biggest aha moment for me was to acknowledge that I had also become the same way. Can you speak to that? That we ourselves put up walls when our needs are not met (for me, since childhood) and with so much rejection and frustration over time we ourselves adopt this same pattern. I’ve been working on this and how to open up my heart more to people. Thanks for your work, it is providing many learning moments.
Alanna~ These are good ideas. They are the types of topics we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alanna~ These are good ideas. They are the types of topics we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
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When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
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The problem is in the first 3 months they appear to be emotionally available so you are in a sense tricked into believing they will continue
Exactly! My two long term partners started by bombarding me with love attention, messages night and day etc but of course once they have you they slowly lose interest and I'm then the needy one longing for their attention and love and comfort and it's not there.
Agreed!!!! I keep saying to myself, why do I seem to attract emotionally unavailable men because they love bomb in the first 3- 6 months, i develop feelings and them, then due to whatever circumstance , they lose interest or pull back and I'm left sad and disappointed with myself for committing and giving my heart away to soon. It's baffling. And I then keep telling myself, I have to date and have fun to get to know them Any way. I'm remaining optimistic about my love life- I'm hit the jackpot one day lol .
Best wishes to all in the dating game!!
I had it in the first THREE YEARS. A lot harder to break up after that.......but I did! If three years is too soon, then how much longer should I wait? Should I wait at least ten years before getting any closer/becoming vulnerable and committed????? Three months is a piece of cake for me. I can never fall in love in three months, not even in a year - no matter how passionate sex encounter might be. But I can wait for three years, and even that can be too soon to notice emotional unavailability coming. If one can fake oneself so good for three years, then even that is too soon. Today I think for sure they can't fake their "concern" for me for ten years........or if they do, ten years is a good chunk of time to enjoy and is worth being discarded in the end because the pain of grief/loss will last about 6 months. 6 months of pain in exchange for 10 years of joy (even if fake joy, but fake on their behalf, not mine:)) is pretty good deal to me.
Yes, it's easy to see it when it's visible from the start. But when it's not visible, and it becomes visible after you fall in love, it's hard to just stop trying. Anyway, in that sense, we need to learn to distinguish genuine interest in us from love-bombing. When we don't catch the love-bombing, we get hooked emotionally. Then, it becomes harder to get off of someone that you are already hooked on.
Great commemt g. Any tips for discerning between the love bombing and genuine interest?
Take off the rose colored glasses, ground yourself in a neutral place, resist the urge to make excuses for yellow/red flags, and most importantly LET PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE. It takes much less time than you think, but requires a mindset of self-worth/respect. You can be nonjudgmental and still make choices based on what truly belongs in your life, what's healthy for you. Don't fall for potential. Cultivate that gut instinct, it will sound off when someone's not right for you.
100%
@eye behiding 👏👏👏👏👏
My question is not how to we notice it, its not hard to notice the dis balance in a relationship, but how to BECOME attracted to people who are available and show their affection freely? I get turned off by guys who show me as much affection as I give to them 🤦🏽♀️ i dont know how to heal it...
@@going-easy thank you❤️ I still have long way to go than, and Im already 31 and single😑
@@tequilabumbum4373 same, 48💚☺
I never feel attracted to those people when I see them as such from the start. The problem is that those unavailable people attract me because they always act as emotionally VERY available in the beginning. And only after I become attached to them, years later, they become unavailable. If they were like this from the start, I would never even find them attractive. Also, when I would start to notice their lack of enthusiasm and interest in me, I would always talk about it and ask in a super gentle way why they changed. And they gaslighted me. They never openly said: "Oh, I decided to become emotionally unavailable to you from now on." No way they'd ever admit it!!! They always say: " Oh, I'm just too busy with work right now" Or worse, they start accusing me of selfishness/neediness for even asking, leaving me feeling guilty. But I realized what it was after I learned about "breadcrumbing","slow-fading", "keeping me in their orbit", "orbiting/ keeping me as an option" and so on....I decided that in such times of change it's better for me to shut my ears and STOP listening to their words. Then I'd better START listening ONLY to their actions. The words will be very confusing! They twist the narrative to keep me hanging there for their advantage and I blindly believe them, always assuming I must have misunderstood something, always doubting my sanity and never theirs.. My new rule is: "No more confusion! If I feel confused and if I feel change in their behavior and they deny it - I am OUT of it. No explanation even needed! I've had enough of heartaches.
Yes, essential to watch for actions... As hard as it is to ignore the words!
Have you ever noticed that if you have a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships that when you do meet someone who is present and available, they can seem super intense and it feels pretty uncomfortable at first?
Sharyn Fields 100%. I have in my past been the emotionally unavailable one. I have done a lot of work on myself and then got into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman. I was so present in the relationship. she was in equal part highly attracted to how present I was and at the same time utterly terrified and overwhelmed by it. She kept pulling back and leaving me wondering where I stood. It came to the point where I just had to walk away as it wasn’t enough for me. Being able to see this phenomenon from both sides of the fence is very eye opening for me.
Never happened to me. I never meet people like that. Or they might be super nice and polite and friendly and have a seemingly cool personality but be married or be on drug or be smokers or have criminal record, there's always something weird that comes up later, which makes me lose my interest.
Yes
Omg...every time!!! Now I just stick with it. Also..asking for what I need, having proper boundaries and not people pleasing is having a major impact on who I'm attracted to
Does this apply to friends? I have no friends either and i only attract strangers who want my little money.
"trying to play ball with someone who isn't even lifting their arms"- ouch, that was a hard truth to face up to. The "disgust" really resonated with me too- a real physical disgust.
Glad to hear this video resonated for you. Sometimes it's a hard reality to face. It's important to keep talking about this to bring awareness. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with others who may like it. Thanks.
Wow, yes, I've been trying to play ball with a lamppost. No wonder I feel so frustrated and lonely.
me too and I wondered why I was so drained and sad!
Me too hun. I've decided to work on me, because I just can't do that anymore.
Wow is right 👍
So you now understood it and all your relationship problems are fixed? Let me guess: they're either the same or have gotten even worse.
Find the comment I made under this video for the actual problem and the actual solution to your problem.
Well I got out of the relationship and am taking time to heal and work on myself.
"You can not make someone create the immediacy of emotional presence, attunement and exchange."
Yes
The image of the child playing ball alone by himself and imagine the mother to be there makes me cry.
🥲
I am attracted to non-relating ppl and it definitely comes from family dynamics. For example, even when my mom hugs me, I feel nothing but it looks good. There is no emotional connection between me & my siblings. I almost chase them trying to connect emotionally! 🤦🏽♀️ I am surrounded by unemotional available people. I definitely ignored my needs to have this “fake” connections. It makes perfect sense. Back to the healing lab I go!! Thank you! This is life changing information.
It’s sad that so many people are afraid of intimacy...even parents and siblings.
You are a very beautiful lady. Your mum and siblings may be jealous of you, especially if you are warm, kind, generous and loving and have many talents for which you’ve have received a lot of praise.
I wish you TRUE friends who appreciate you and a mate who adores you and cherishes you, who’s present and there for you through thick and thin. ♥️🤗
Girl go and do the inner work. Work on moving from an insecure attachment to a secure one. Then you will attract a secure partner. Both of you will be emotionally available for the relationship.
Yes
I had a guy once explain my relationship situation as such. He said that I was in it by myself. Dead on accurate. In it by myself.
@Transform: Everyday Magic it's possible to feel like you're building something together, in which case your perspective could be dangerous to believe
@Transform: Everyday Magic I hear ya
Yes
I'm always in it by myself the fantasy gets. Activated.
Right now I'm in a relationship which I've been in for two months but I feel like I'm the one who cares while he's just cruising through. 😊
says he loves me but .... Anyway I'm just going to lay pan out because I'm tired of the single life
I've broken up my boyfriend and written a dating check list. Because of my emotionally abusive parents I had no idea that I could or should be picky. I thought I was flawed and so I attracted these men, but now I see that I can simply raise my standards and be single until the right man comes into my life. I'll be doing me and having a great time in the mean time.
Just Me good for you.
Just me, work on secure attachment and you will attract a secure partner.
😄
Very nice
Yes but wjat if you're single for years like i have been? Dating websites feel insincere and i have attracted passive agressive men making comments on my looks
I find that the more real authenticity I show in relationships with friends, they distance themselves.
mary wolfe Maybe they're just shallow. I used to have friends like that and always blamed myself, then I met better people and got so much respect.
yessssss! Then when you try and hold back because of it your own self gets wile because it's not natural.
Lose the fakers and you will find the authentic people.
Same here
There are a lot of emotionally unavailable people...
Don't ignore red flags, trust you gut, know and stay firm with your boundaries, value yourself and body, and know your worth. That will weed out the narcissists, psychopaths. Emotionally unavailable is a little bit more tricky to figure out !!!
Yes
What is love? Alan, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more!!!!
I was driving and listening to this episode. When you said - ”you're attracted to absence”, I thought I would crush into the railing. I also need to say: Alan, where were you when I needed you 15 years ago?!! 😉 You might have saved me so much suffering...
🥲
This is a man to marry! A lifetime love, partner, and friend. 🤗
I really appreciate your work. There are so many 'get your ex back' channels on here and not many that truly let us understand why they failed in the first place and why we can't let the person that does not care about us anymore go because of our attachment issues.
Justyna Wisniewska spot on
I agree. Those "give him distance" to get him back channels are not helping me at all. It works, but this makes me unhappy.
Yes
Yes, great point!!
Ego and boredom is what keeps these people coming back around and never fully engaging. No one wants to hear this, but if a person is half-assing it with you - it's because they think they can do better or are pining after someone else. Their emotional energy is there, it's just not directed at you.
Exactly true
This what is real.all other explanations are secondary
This is true only if you don’t value yourself, then you attract and tolerate partners who don’t value you.
The imaginary is really useful. I loved the ball example. That makes so much sense. I just broke up with my ex for the second time after he said he would call me back in an hour and 2 days later still hasn't heard anything from him.. So that was it for me. Second time round, I'm not putting up with being ignored/feeling undervalued. I put up with that enough the first time.
Still broken up?
@@IceESole We sure are. Best decision I have ever made and today I talked with my mother about our relationship and the emotional trauma that I had from that. 20 years later, first time we spoke about the elephant in the room! I'm emotionally adulting, lol!
Good for you!
Yes
Great talk, very soothing and healing. No tolerance for non relating. No romanticizing the disconnection and imagining an important part of relationship which isn't there. No shutting oneself down.
👍
keep trying to play ball with someone who is not picking it up themselves...so true!
👍
I tried sooo hard not to fall for the lovebombing this time around, but I’m not even sure if it was Lovebombing. It was just constant communication. I got addicted to the attention, constant text messages. Even when I tried to create space he would say things like he missed me or would become more enthusiastic and attentive. As soon as I caught feelings he deactivated and cut me off and threw me away like trash. Never heard from him again. HORRIBLE Feeling. I’ve never felt so worthless and discardable. Like how does one go from constant communication to disappearing off the face of the earth never to be seen again?
I’m so sorry you met with an ass like that……. I had exactly the same happen and it totally is soul destroying and I’m still after 4 + months trying to find peace and not feel shame , worthless and depression, I still think Something is wrong with me!! These types are either narcissistic , DAs and have mental issues! Hope you heal and have a wonderful journey moving forward. 🌺🌸🌷
Lol….special guy…real catch🙄🤮🤢
i guess u are asking the wrong question
@@evaollie9208 👍🏻👏🏻😆
What happen when you called and tried to message him after he disappeared??
"Dumbing down your needs" - got it in one!
Maralyn, Yes, we explore this idea often in the community. Many of us can relate. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
It's really really hard to get in touch with these feelings when you've been in a relationship for thirteen years where you've acclimated to their emotional unavailability and heard over and over again how it has nothing to do with yourself, it's just "how they are." And you acclimate and you acclimate and you acclimate because you love them. And then one day they leave.
🥲
All I can say is that one surley need to go inside and give love and healing to inner child.
HEY to all inner childs; YOU ARE LOVABLE!
Indeed M L!
LOVE IT!!
❤
I had to tolerate the suppression of my own needs through all of my childhood and teenage years. Even when I expressed my own needs they were met with harshness from both parents. I have a hard time now figuring out whether or not what I’m looking for is a need or neediness. I have also noticed though The acceptance and reciprocity in many people as well as the resistance and discomfort in others, especially as I have become more vulnerable with friends and family whom I have known for years. It’s so interesting to see and experience. I am grateful to your insights as they help me grow in my path forward.
LinYouToo i commend you for being self aware and for being willing to grow and evolve despite your past traumas.
I can totally relate to your opening 2 lines! It's tough isn't it?! It conditioned me perfectly for my first marriage, which was to a sociopath (I was with him for 18 years). Much love and best wishes to you! 💞
LinYouToo I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Paul 1 thank you although I know this response is four months late 😉 It’s been a long journey but well worth one. With professional help. I still have a ways to go but I am on my way for sure.
Rachel Maxwell And best wishes to you too!
I hope one day you might work at the best psychology universities with the department heads and write beautiful courses for them, because your emotional intellect, intuition, experience, and everything you possess, is beyond brilliant. I appreciate everything that you do in creating this content and making it available for us all, thank you so much
Sharmin, thank you for the kind, supportive comment. Thank you for valuing my work. I am glad to hear that you are receiving benefit from my videos. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
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Thanks again.
Great video, Alan! Thanks so much. Just broke up with a man who usually shut down for 1-2 days after an argument. As I were non-existent. The differences were around closeness to other ladies - his adult students asked him personal questions and he replied and sometimes overshared; some sent him heart emojis; some grabbed his hand while I was standing next to him and he did nothing. He kept saying that they were like that and it was not his fault, let them be. I felt hurt by him not taking my side - he never understood why I got emotional in such situations. I wanted to be his priority. He said I should see a doctor as I always created drama.. i am happy that I chose me and my values.
Am I getting this right, we have to stop denying our own needs to become unhooked?
Anne. Great summary. Good way of wording it.
Yes!!
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma that is so affirming and I think I just did it when I finally listened to myself and realised this person was not what I wanted. But the following grief made me doubt myself and I NEARLY reconnected...but listening to your videos instead has made me realise that I AM breaking the old patterns and that I need to be more emotionally available to MYSELF first!
Karen Thompson Same here!
Karen Thompson that rings so true. It’s the grief that can stop us from moving forward.
Maybe being drawn to emotionally unavailable people is also some kind of not being comfortable with emotionally available people steadily connecting and initiating and rather drift towards people letting you have your own way of not connecting.
I do share your view as well.
@Zawiedek This really resonates with me. I am learning in this process about my own need to disconnect. I'm not sure where that line is sometimes. I guess its just about finding a good balance for both people, not just one over the other.
True
I’m noticing more and more the people who want you to be a witness to their life experiences, thoughts, and feelings but who are unable to reciprocate. This leads to very unbalanced relationships which are never healthy. I experienced this with a so-called friend who is more like a long time acquaintance where there was a lot of relating on my part and none on hers. This was me trying to play ball for both of us. I was the only one rowing the boat. I stopped rowing a few months ago and haven’t heard from her since. I’ve decided that I’m only going to roll my boat toward people who offer a mutual friendship and everyone else will be an acquaintance that I’m not investing in. I feel sad this for how much I’ve put up with through the years or accepted and yet gratitude for having recognized There is a much better way forward that is healthier for all parties involved.
Smart choice and good example!
I can relate. I have literally sounded myself around unemotional available friends...family included. I definitely lowered my expectations and need to feel connected.
LinYouToo there literally are tons of women that only want a “friend” around so they can vent all their daily issues so they can process them. They do not want a two sided conversation and will only call upon you when they need a willing ear to dump their negativity. I hate these energy vampires. Stay clear of them.
My thoughts are, different people play different balls, ⚽️ 🏀 🏈 🏉 🏓 🎾 🏸 , you need to find your battle and find your partner to play the same game, other people just watch if they are not interested, dating is managing expectations. Being up front abt your game would help to clear.
April Lynn sorry my response is a little late 😉 What you said about surrounding yourself with unemotionally available people is something I can relate to. Not everybody in my life but a few people for sure. Maybe I expect too much from them? It took me a long time to figure out that I had a choice to lower my expectations and stay with them or keep my expectations where they were and let the person go and surround myself with people who are a better fit. The latter has worked out much better because once I let the wrong people go the people already in my life showed up in ways I could not have imagined. And our relationships begin to grow even more. In other words I put a lot of time and effort to win the favor of people who could never give it to me. Just like my parents. Go figure but that’s what I did. I don’t do that anymore thankfully but it took a while to get there.
You are the most insightful,smart,honest relationship person I’ve come across on the internet. Your love for the subject really comes across.It’s almost like you know my exact situation. This really helped a lot. I have much self reflection to do. Thank you very much for the work you do.
Agree! Couldn't have summed it up better myself
Yes
The comfort and empathy in your voice and the accuracy and clarity of your expressions are invaluable. Thank you very much!!
Yes
Attracted to non-relating! That about sums it up for me and how I have picked IN THE PAST. That is repeating my family dysfunction growing up. WOW!
I'm attracted to someone's physical attractiveness first, before finding out their emotional availability.
Happy Gilmore Agreed. And letting go of that physical beauty in an emotionally unavailable woman is proving to be most difficult.
I know, the woman that I was head over heals for gave me a "Dear John Letter". I was hoping that she could of been the one that I would marry someday.
Daum, same here "/
Looks fade though, no one escapes that so it's necessary to find their personality/emotional intelligence attractive too.
That's how chemistry works, lol. But we are animals capable of higher reasoning. Put it to good use. I tell myself, "Yes, that is a very attractive meat suit. However I need to know more about the person inhabiting it before I make a decision on compatibility. I know nothing about their character. Insufficient data, still collating, please hold."
Wow... yea. I was a single child most my life and parents weren’t very engaging, they didn’t show up to many of my events... I would scan the crowd for them and they wouldn’t be there and I remember playing board games alone too... makes sense.
Sosha well done for being here and being open to healing and growth.
hehe yep we do fill in with fantasy. I had to come around and realize, huh. She doesn't know when my birthday is, she shows little interest in me, I'm just here to entertain her.
Same here
Yes that rings true just there to entertain them
What about when a person yo-yo's back and forth between being emotionally available and completely engaging, to being avoidant and condescending? And what to do when after you end the relationship and set up boundaries, that person doesn't respect those boundaries?
ivylinden I had this exact problem with my last ex. She is very needy but doesn’t care for my own needs. As soon as her needs were fulfilled she would withdraw and pull away. Anytime I voiced a need or concerned she couldn’t be bothered.
Ambivalent attachment, he mentioned it in another video
You leave, especially if explicit boundaries are being broken
Boundary breaking = lack of respect, and invalidation
great video! Thank you. Building a tolerance for someone not playing ball is a very helpful way to visualize relationships that are out of harmony.
And you won't get any of ur emotional or sexual needs either if they are an avoidant types that is!
Val Shelby, wow.. that makes sense of some things. Thanks.
It took me a year of “dumbing down my needs” waiting on him to get through the work, the stress, poor follow-through, no planning, blah, blah, blah. I warned him and then just went cold after another weekend gone by of him not following through on plans. It’s been a week and he’s texted twice “hi” - low investment and zero concern to even call and see if I’m ok! Haha - I’ve allowed this nonsense!
interesting. with my unemotionally available girl she was very disconnected in bed.
rarely if ever touched me
@@kellimurray5514 Same exact thing happened to me. Now I have to get his name out of my brain....ugh!
@Skyhe's selfish
Wow, this is a wonderfully clear and thoughtful post. I didn't realize how much I was trained to internalize emotional unavailability from my father causing a higher of tolerance in relationships. Thanks so much!
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I have a question for anyone. Do you find people don't seem to really want relationships? I call this society a selfie society. Its like people only want to be in a relationship that only benefits them, and then they don't give any part of themselves. Am I wrong? Please comment if you feel to.
+WATER-MAN thanks for responding. Maybe you are a highly sensitive person. There is a book on it. Why do we keep blaming ourselves when others are insensitive? Check out the website Dr Judy WTF. what the Freud. She is a psychiatrist with a lot of insight. Dont believe you have to be alone all the time. Take care of yourself.
+WATER-MAN I am a Christian and still struggle too. God does love us even though we may have never been loved correctly by people. There is a good u tube video called love letter from God and it's all based on scripture. Check it out and I hope it helps some. Take care of yourself and believe things can get better! I can't put anyone on a pedestal because they are only human. I know Good wants to be first in our lives. I try every day to put Him first because nobody can give me all that I need or what I did not get growing up.
People nowadays are quick to throw the relationship away if their feelings get just a little hurt (not talking about cheating or anything major like that) or starts needing some work. They just expect things to work perfect or they detatch themselves and move on.
Mary Wolfe- Thank you and bless you. I agree about God: that Jesus said he could not put his trust in man. I now see I had idolatrous relationships; of much expectation; expecting others to meet in and for me ; only what God can. And naturally, the result was more pain. He had to take away All my rels; to get me to surrender and now my faith is different. It us now about healing those childhood attachment traumas. Tgis channel is great. I shall check out your suggestions- Thanks 😀xx
No you are absolutely RIGHT. People want to be around another peraon but not necessarily want to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with them. A society of selfish emotionally crippled non-relating jerks
Such great imagery. Really helps me to see what's been going on/ what I've been tolerating. Not only that, that I've was trained to tolerate this in my family of origin. I love that you chose to talk about becoming aware as the first step! Thanks Alan, your awesome! Can't wait for whatever you put out next!
An attraction to unavailable partners, means we are repeating how our primary caregiver treated us as infants and children. Being treated badly by our caregiver means in adulthood we are going to attract the relationship similar to the one we had as children. We need to heal our inner child wounds. Then we will stop attracting crumbs of love. We need to value ourselves. Then we will find a partner who truly values us as well.
Thanks so much for your comment. These are good insights, Carla. Addressing old wounds and valuing ourselves is key to healing. Diving deeper into learning more about attachment trauma is why I created the course and the quiz, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I invite you to check out the link below to continue your exploration of this topic.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you so much Alan, this video is awakening to me. I was dating a emotional unavailable person who is abuse alcohol because of chronic pain and in a long distance relationship. I was the one sitting at both side at the dinning table and playing two rolls in the relationship...
I’m so thankful for you and your videos. I have seen a few therapists trying to get help with attachment trauma and no one was helpful. You are amazing.
He's amazing but you still meet the same emotionally unavailable people. I know why that is, just ask me.
Thank you! It was beautiful to see how you articulated very well everything that I was experiencing in terms of shift and change of the old mechanism.
I guess it is a willingness to overcompensate.. Over-under standing. You are throwing the ball.. And you run over to the other person and take the ball and throw it for them as well
Whoaaaa. Love this explanation
This is great! Thank you for podcasting. Congratulations on your first episode!
Thanks! Awesome! I have mostly one way relationships or am by myself....silent child/hiding in life. I don't give up relationships even after they don't show interest.
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This is an amazing podcast, thank you Alan, I hope you have a workbook soon.
Ugh why am I almost 27 and still attracted to these kinds of men 😔 probably because of my father's attitude, I need to change. Thank you so much this video is very informative!
Thank you for this. I have been redirected here and this is exactly what I needed to hear.
You are a light, and you are so appreciated! You have a way of breaking things down into simple terms that make learning easy. :-)
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This is excellent content. Alan truly understands this issue to its core. Thank you. Truly. You saved me a great deal of hassle and heartache.
Thank you. Alan for the podcast from the community. You sound so excited for your passion that you have accomplished.
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This video was so spot on ! I can’t believe it ! It was so good and so insightful and helped me so much ! I’m on my journey to breaking my co dependency and this video was amazing ! THANK YOU 🙏🏻🙏🏻
This is lifechanging.
Thank you so so much!
I've been devestated like trying to figure out what is wrong with me and where I failed. This is so refreshing to know that its not only my duty to make it work. This is so crazy. l've been navigating things all along, noticing disengaging patterns *BUT I Felt that this is still all my fault*
Your explanation make it clear to me that It's not only my responsobility and there is no reason to feel any shame about having desires of emotional response and nice pattern of connection.
THANK YOU!!!!!!
I can understand. Many of us can relate with struggling with these beliefs. Thank you for valuing my effort to capture difficult relationship dynamics and explain them so they are accessible. Glad it brings benefit.
Also, if this video is helpful you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes deeper into these dynamics. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yaaay! Podcasts! Congratulations on Episode 1, Alan!! You've picked a great Topic to start with, I found what you've said extremely helpful. Thank you =)
And now your relationship problems are gone? Let me guess, they're worse now. Find my other comment under the video to find out how I know.
This is amazing how you explain this! I actually am starting to get it and know why my relationships have been the way they are. I'm so glad I stumbled onto your videos. Keep up the good work and God bless you and your ministry!
Thank you so much for all the insights!
Omg i am so grateful for all your videos, Alan! Sometimes what you are saying sounds like a very hard pill to swallow. But doing this is so much better than to continue being miserable and deprived of the emotional connections. I really love the metaphors you’re proving!
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this gift. I get it now! Going forward I’m paying closer attention to my feelings, and attention to red flags sooner.
Great to hear that. Thanks for valuing my work. I'm reminded of how we need to start with a plan. It's so important to talk about Self-Directed Healing. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with friends who may benefit. Help me spread the word. Thanks.
Thank you for this podcast Alan. This imagery made me cry ... Very Powerful!!
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My dad was physically there ..he was a hard worker and a provider but he was very detached emotional and mentally. He did not come to my school programs .graduations...recitals ....he never once said I love you...I'm proud if you..you're beautiful.. I learned to gage his emotionsl from his facual expression and body language. He rarely spoke to me accept to criticize or lecture. I loved my dad and I believe he loved me in his way. I often wondered tho what he was thinking when I was around him. He's gone now ...but I'm just beginning to understand why I choose certain men or why I have trouble making decisions i
nor setting boundaries. I am healing and ev
loving into a more assertive and confident woman at the tender age of 50.
Dee lightful well done for coming so far. I think you are great.
Dee lightful sounds exactly like the stage I’m in! With the same father traits! Thank god for Alan!
Rana and Dee, I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist thank you Alan. Will look into it and join! 🙏
I love this comment I really felt this
Thank you for making this clear and easy to understand.
Alternatively I am attracted to the fake persona they build. They try to be as much like me as possible, hyper focus on my special interests, and become my perfect match. THe ones I've dated have done a great job faking emotional connection though the love bombing phase and I get swept up by the praise and worship, and I always think they're the perfect one for me and the only person in the world who understands me.. but there's always an empathy disconnect eventually and I realize it repeatedly they miss the mark when it comes to empathizing and caring about me (just get sick or have surgery). How do I fall in love with someone who is a REAL person and isn't pretending to be my ideal match. I find every normal person to be too boring and not similar enough to me to inspire any feelings.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Freddie.
We explore the "how" in the online membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. Please consider joining us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
“Trying to play ball with someone who’s not even lifting their arms!” WOW
Glad that part stood out for you. Yes, that experience is frustrating to say the least. Thanks for the comment. If you like this video then you may also like taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So clearly explained. And in the order... and exact vocabulary needed to convey your message... im addicted🤓
Wonderful! Just learnt so much in this short podcast. Thank you so much (again). I love the playing ball analogy, and have a better understanding already of what I have been accepting. No more! x
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Wow this video is life changing for me.
Thank you, forever grateful
This is so smart and so obvious! Thanks, Alan!
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This is great Alan. Thanks :)
This is so helpful! Incredibly clear and informative. By far the most valuable discussion of emotional connection/ avaliabilty in relationships that I've heard. Thank you !
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not only do i attract enotionally unavailable people as love interests, but co workers and friends alike....maybe it is just that there are so many screwed up people in the world, especially in the west, you have no option to bump into them... Why do i attract them first of all, is what i want to know
You can't help who you attract. What matters is who you entertain and keep in your life. I am guilty of the same, but learning to no longer let unavailable people hold a position in my life.
I think it's cause maybe they have trust issues and they have been hurt before us! The. They end up doing the same thing to us without realizing it it's called a negative cycle! But I'll make sure that my negative behavior won't be like theirs.
@@Alphacentauri819 love the way You put it! Yes, connect with Yourself first so that you can connect with others👍
B the Change I find that it still takes time to figure it out, ugh. I wish it were instantaneous.
Thank you so much for your work.
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Thank you Alan!!! 🥰 I always feel so much clarity after I listen to you!!!
thanks for valuing my work. glad you benefit from the video. If you would like to become a sustaining supporter and invest in my efforts to offer quality content and also for the creation of new, future videos, please check out the donation options. Glad you find the video helpful. www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you, Alan. This video was very helpful.
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This is brilliant Alan! Thank you.
Jojo, thank you for the support. Glad you hear you liked this one. You might also be interested in my new course. Learn more by taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was and partially I suppose am this person still. I've been staying out of relationships for a year now despite invitations...
I can see so much better now. But how to invite healthier people is the question.
I also want to help these people because I was once there.
I really appreciate these videos Alan, they are very informative. I've been listening to you over a year now and they are incredibly helpful and I truly hope that people who are listening are truly absorbing the information.
The problem also arises when people fall back into old patterns. I won't allow myself to do that. But I am still around these kinds of people. They are my friends and I do not wish to cut them off...
I love this so much! Your podcasts are so validating. You help me make sense of what happened in my relationship. We weren’t playing ball. I had a huge tolerance. I like that word. Now he’s with a new partner. I’m left in the wake of confusion and resentment. He’s happy (I guess) with the new one. (Probably the same stuff)
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit. I hear you about these dynamics. It can be challenging sometimes.
If you like this video then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes into what gets in the way of emotional availability. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you for this!!!
Finally !!!thank you so much this is very inspiring
You're a very gifted counselor. I have a snow day today and I'm spending it learning from you, it's such a relief and so empowering to hear these concepts explained so well (metaphors work!!) Thank you so much for everything you do.
I appreciate the kind comment. Glad my work brings you benefit. Thank you for valuing my efforts.
If you like this content then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You're awesome. My first time watching your videos but I'll definitely look around 👌🙌
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. You might be interested in checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you dear man!!!! You are the best!!!! P.xx
Thank you so much for all of your work and videos, it's amazingly helpful. I really can't describe how important they are for me.
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We are all lucky to have you Alan!
I'm glad to hear you are finding benefit from my work. Thank you for encouragement.
I have finally found the answer of what is actually happening and I am l no longer choose to be part of the game he plays as he feels validated or his ego boosted through me showing interested.
God bless you Alan🙏🏻Your supports to us are precious🙏🏻
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Amazing. Thank you. 🙏
Your videos have really changed my life for the better, thank you!
No, it hasn't. I know you're still dealing with relationship problems. Ask me and I'll tell you why.
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Thank you so much for your work. This was really good!
Esha, I'm glad you liked this one. I appreciate your comment. Thank you for valuing my work. You might also be interested in a course I recently created because it explores self-protective behaviors that get in the way of staying emotionally open. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is so good- helpful, practical, nourishing. Thank you
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It’s so deeply in our unconscious mind and that’s why I experience already as a baby probably and as a child but I had an emotional and when would be a mother who never gave me a hug, who never played with me, who did not care about me, who didn’t pay attention to me as I was a piece of furniture, who were going away when I was running after her. Never looked people in her eyes when she was talking but she was most of the time quiet and she was like a ghost. Or she was like dead in a living body, only her body was present but not her soul not her emotions. You could never know what she was thinking of feeling and she had always the same expression on her face. Maybe she had depression but I blamed my mother to have brought me to this world. No wonder I got an autoimmune disease as a result of my childhood trauma and emotional neglect and I even started to think about suicide after I got this disease in my childhood and I was thinking it would have been better for me to die when I was about 12 or 13 years old and no wonder I am attracted to men who are like my mother: emotionally unavailable. This is like a never ending circle repeating over and over and I don’t know how to stop it how to get out of such relationships?
I also have been emotional neglected by my mother -- she rejected me because I didn't take her side in the conflicts between her and my father.
Thank you very much for your video. I learned at lot. I never heard that from psychologists! That says a lot about the limitations of formal psychology training!
Thank you for the supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear you got a lot out of the video. You might be interested in a course I recently created. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, we talk more about emotional availability in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Excellent! Wish I had heard this the day it was released. The little boy and mother playing ball analogy is perfect! Listen to the end.
Thank you.
Amanda, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you, Alan. I will check it out. Have a blessed day! 😊
Wonderful! Thank you!
Good stuff! Thank you for your work!!!
Thank you for your comment Snoodle
I like the analogies in the podcast and makes a lot of sense. I’ve been aware of my pattern with people who are emotionally unavailable, but the biggest aha moment for me was to acknowledge that I had also become the same way. Can you speak to that? That we ourselves put up walls when our needs are not met (for me, since childhood) and with so much rejection and frustration over time we ourselves adopt this same pattern. I’ve been working on this and how to open up my heart more to people. Thanks for your work, it is providing many learning moments.
Alanna~ These are good ideas. They are the types of topics we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alanna~ These are good ideas. They are the types of topics we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
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I got the share button in the beginning of the video. Thanks