Emotional Disconnect: Attachment Wounds and Being Ignored / Still Face Experiment
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my TH-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Emotional Disconnect: Attachment Wounds and Being Ignored / Still Face Experiment / Alan Robarge
In this video, I talk about how sometimes inviting talking about emotional connection can sound foreign to us or to others. I share ideas that speak to how we know that something is off and not working when we're talking about emotional connection.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Emotional Disconnect: Attachment Wounds and Being Ignored / Still Face Experiment / Alan Robarge
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
More videos 🙏🏼😊 thanks
Today I weep deeply for the generations of children who experience the earliest sadness of the unwelcoming face and unwelcoming presence of
the caretaker.
Ernestine Morrison Thank you!
Thank you x
Me too. I've wept for the relationship I missed out on with my mother as a child because she was detached, and I've wept for those who will inevitably be placed in a similar situation by fate.
Bless u for that 🖤
I appreciate this!!
It is a bit sad that it took me 58 years, 40 years of therapy, and 32 years of medication to find these tools. It just goes to show it is never too late to have a good life.
gods i hope so. i'm not seeing a lot of hope on my horizon
All these years was a waste of time and money. The therapist doesn't care about you they only want money that's why they take so long to get to the point when you can literally find videos on TH-cam and understand what your problem is and how to fix it in 5 minutes
Thank you blfor this because I am here now.
❤
Same
So many people say you just have to deal with this, and it's not normal as an adult to emotionally need another. But most of those people who say this haven't been with a Narcissist and completely emotionally secluded for years. Human interaction is needed. It's nice hearing this be validated.
Mm i dont have to keep wondering why i have these reactions with ones i want to be seen and heard validated probably expecting too much from narcisist husband been together for 25 years and suffer a lot of emotional distress with no one to talk to about it who gets it thankyou so much alan
Omg, im right here with u Honey. I too, can't put into words how being EMOTIONALLY IGNOREed and treated like we don't exist is so traumatic
And you are gaslit constantly, made to believe as if what you are expecting is out of line.
Growing up, I was told you made your bed now lay in it. The result of that beautiful advice was staying married to a sociopath, getting gaslit and living in abject terror for YEARS. The topic is this video is spot on with my core trauma. I watched the still face experiment video in psych class and it hit a deep nerve. Hearing you detail it is even more painful, so much so that all I wanted to do was fast forward. Core healing needed for sure. Thank you Alan! You are a Godsend. ❤
Yes!
This makes so much sense to me. My early experiences include having a mother who was always depressed who could not give me emotional security as well as having a father who was abusive. Emotional connection was denied. Extremely painful & has effected so many aspects of my life. No wonder I have issues with self confidence & trusting others. My life has been a journey of trying to heal & trust myself.
So sorry you've been through that, I have similar experiences
Lynn Romenesko: well said. It's definitely an on-going process. Not sure why exactly but it's very difficult (for me) to move on emotionally even though intellectually I understand what happened. Thanks for sharing.
Lynn Romenesko going through the same thing. praying for you.
Have you been able to transcend past it. I have not been able to attract partners who I can connect with emotionally. I can do so with friends but lovers, not yet so fortunate.
Gg
I love that he touched on empaths being highly sensitive to reading cues I also love that he doesn’t make us feel wrong or bad for being hurt during emotional disconnect.
I feel that people have emotionally checked-out on me my whole life and I didn't know what was going on. I am almost at the end of a 29-year relationship with my partner, a relationship in which I continually believed that "things would get better" (without having any idea how because my partner did not believe in marriage counselling). I'm very familiar with "the still face" and am somehow angry at myself that it's taken me this long (I'll be 70 in a couple of weeks) to start to wake up to my illusions. Thank you, Alan. What you have been sharing in your videos is helping to relieve my sense of despair, loss and feeling of utter abandonment.
Happy birthday!
You got this, just stay open and loving toward yourself, first!
Don't feel bad...I'm 66 and just this year am just starting to figure things out......was made to be scapegoat for everyone elses dysfunctional behavior for decades.
@@Suzu52 this happens to so many of us, usually the healthiest and most emotionally connected one in the family.
Yes i feel same way have just turned 70 and am in despair and feel ive wasted a lot of years thinking he might change and too scared to go it alone
Susie Williams ditto, god what a road for us eh!
"Unless you have been trained to have the tolerance for non-interaction then you say, I'm fine, I'm fine..." But deep inside you know the connection never happened and you can't figure out where the missing link is. Thank you for intricately discussing this missing part.
This is what's been happening in my relationship. My boyfriend is constantly working, sleeps when he can, and is not always in a service area to get my calls and texts promptly. Because I have an attachment wound and have largely been ignored by my parents/ family my nervous system goes off, I use protest behavior which pushes him away more. I apologize later. But I'm still not ok. This relationship stress and life stress, (work, kids, etc.) knocks me down to where I'm so depressed I don't get out of bed. I've been through ALOT in my life and it feels like the stress has been cumulative to the point that any new stress trips a circuit breaker and I'm out. I sleep and sleep. I've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and I think this whole process you've explained in this video may be why.
I hope you are finding your way ❤️ I'm currently in alot of pain too. I went to revisit the time my father left us. And realized how much it still hurts. I am also always tired and in bad relationships. My body hurts so much right now. I truly hope I will get out of this depression and get the deep-rest I need.
It might be adrenal fatigue.
Pls drink non stop cucumber lemon water ginger parsley juice with NAC powder. Make it addictive drink a lot always you’ll be fixed I promise you. Study Mindfulness xo 💋 love to u
Serious advice had chronic pain complex fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue etc will fix it
Chronic fatigue syndrome has nothing to do with this. It’s a hyperactivity of the immune system to a viral infection. It’s a very very complex illness affecting multiple organs, but mainly the brain and the nervous system. What you’re describing is full blown depression. Let’s not confuse things. It’s trivial and insulting to say that chronic tiredness is ME/CFS.
I just came home from my Grandpas funeral which involved all of my 5 siblings and my divorced parents. I was shocked at how obvious it was that our parents don’t really notice us and we all have struggled with depression, addiction, and criminal lifestyles. I was so depressed. I cried on the entire flight home because I felt so yucky about myself. I started researching and found your channel. Thank you so much for these videos and helping me realize that I AM good enough and also learning to recognize the dynamics that have led to me feeling this way. Thank you. ❤️
Lega-C it’s such a shock to really see the family dynamics isn’t it, well done on being brave enough to look!
johanna weiss thanks! I actually just uploaded a video talking about my experience
Lega-C am you please send me the link? Thank you so much
You matter! 💜 Even if you think you messed up the day before, every day is brand spanking new! I recommend self love meditations and inner child work guided visualizations (all on TH-cam) to help undo some of the negative programming their behavior has caused.
Really eye opening. My Mother was totally disinterested in us as Kids. Feeding and buying us clothes she liked was as much as a Mother she could drag up. I don't think she ever checked in. I am a totally different Mother to my Kids and learned from my past. Blessings.
Thank you so much for this brilliant video. As a person who suffers from CPTSD and a history of abuse and resulting disorganized attachment, I find that I can easily be triggered into fearing for my life when connecting with a person who is emotionally guarded or unavailable. It can take hours, days or even weeks to fully recover from those states of triggering. However I am aware that the relationship doesn't necessarily recover. Overtime I've become very wary of people like that. Your explanation of tolerance being built up over time to untenable relationship paradigms is very helpful. It helps to remind me that I have a right to feel connected and that continuing to expose myself to people who struggle with staying attuned is not healthy for me.
Spot on!!
So true! I feel like I'm in shock for days, after a fight with my ex, or my 90 year old mother's ranting criticism. Like my body starts on f*ck*ng....fire, & I just cry & sleep for 3 days.
This is so very helpful, thank you: "It helps to remind me that I have a right to feel connected and that continuing to expose myself to people who struggle with staying attuned is not healthy for me." Sending you love.
That was soo eloquent
I experienced a subtle form of the “still face” my entire childhood. My mom would avoid me, not have conversations with me, and only really spoke to me to criticize or shame me. If it wasn’t for a neighbor in the early part of my life who was nice and had conversations with me here and there I would have definitely committed suicide at a young age. I’m almost 30 and still picking up the pieces. Thank you for your validation.
Scott Shamblen thank you for your comment. Helps to know I’m not alone. Wish you well on your journey.
Marshaa, thank you for validating my experience with my extended family same sex caretakers. Whew, 😩 exhaling. Letting go of what I wanted/needed and didn't get knowing now @ 73 I can give myself and my adult sons what we didn't get. It's never too late. Good luck with your life changes.
Me too. Same boat
I was in that position too. My mom also won't own up to the neglect she put me through even though I'm almost 30 and she's been a grown-ass woman this whole time.
@@natanyahowry5878 your mom might be stuck on what she did rather then what she didnt do. Very important to say exactly what you didnt get.
12 minuets in I had a gut wrenching breakdown. I want to vomit. Thanks for helping me find this wound so I can heal it. Once I stopped breathing as an infant and mom thought I was dead. I think I was and this is why. My inner child work needs to go back to this. I begged God to help me heal completely from all of this codependent wrongness and I got this. I’m hurt to my marrow right now! Thanks for the lesson of attachment disorder, now I release it completely. My parents didn’t know how they were failing me because they would have been there doing what I needed if they knew. I forgive them and release any resentment and all energy associated with this wound. Just, WOW!
I feel the same , he just turned the lights on
I wish I could. I believe she tried to outright kill me subtle stuff and also INTENTIONAL NEGLECT. She ""Sort of" CONFESSED Some of what was done to me. The rest I have direct proof as I WAS OLDER AND WAKING FROM HER ZOMBIFYING ME. Still CHILD ABUSE AUTHORITIES WOULD HAVE ENJOYED HER "PERFORMANCES" OF "World Class Mother." I HATE HER AND MY STEP DAD. CO ABUSERS. OLDEST SISTER TOO. SHE CONTROLLED THEM BOTH WELL.
Basically an ayahuasca experience lol nice
Alan; what is breaking my heart and pissing me off is being witness to a WORLD of still faces: Mothers and parents, caregiver's devices taking their attention, babies and young children NOT responded to, and they see parents with blank faces turned to their screens not mirroring child
Yes, reminds me of screaming babies in grocery stores. Ughhh... breaks my heart & angers me at the same time.
And yet all the dismissive avoidant people I know will give all the love and attention in the world to their dogs and completely ignore their kids and spouses. It's sickening.
@@happyduck9223 it isn't just "dismissive avoidant" types who do that. I don't know why people love to scapegoat that particular attachment issue like they're the spawns of Satan. It's cringe worthy.
Right. And the current child abuse of masks.
@@peaceglory5973 I can't stand seeing moms making their baby wait on a feeding just because they don't want to sit down stop and just nurse them.
I find your style of SEEK TO UNDERSTAND instead of demonizing the emotionally unavailable so refreshing. Whether the case involves narcissistic abusers or wounds you lift us to a higher realm to see and understand. Empowering!!!
I feel like I am always lacking real emotional connection in almost every relationship. I always feel isolated despite how hard I try.. in the beginning Mom seemed like she cared... but by the time I was starting school she stopped engaging much. Thank you for your work. You are a godsend
@Alex_006 if we reach adulthood then obviously as infants, babies, toddlers etc, we had our diapers changed, fed and maintained enough to meet appearances. But, Its when and how a parent/carer responds, that tells how important or valuable they are..for life. Shame on those that keep up appearances but behind closed doors, baby is treated like a burden, or punished for being inconveniently hungary or in pain. Any fool can change a diaper. Look at the examples of the postwar orphans; fed clothed sheltered. With consistent outcomes... So in your context of what is shameful, is that enough?
@@alaysiakayebutler6299
I think they were just making an observation of the problem, not implying that physical care is enough.
Anyone else get triggered by this phenomenon in their life and then realize they actually do it themselves to the people they love????
Now I understand this more logically. My ex was emotionally unavailable. I am emotionally available and sensitive to these things. I am an empath. I simply chose the wrong partner.
Me too....and he was a user and a sick person
@@isacece1334 so your experience with "sick users" were *emotionally unavailable people?*
And be mindful of how dynamics in relationships can be tricky and much more of a group energy than individual. Relationships are so powerful they literally are able to change your attachment system depending on the other persons attachment style. That’s deep influence.
I absolutely love the validation. I now have the framework in which to go forward and understand which people I can have a deep connection with and whom it is not possible. I have never trusted people with no emotional connection. My mom and father are now facing this issue with each other. I also feel so much more freedom in knowing I don't have to always second guess myself for absolutely needing this and now I completely understand the panic and anxiety attacks are when I am not even emotionally connected to myself! Thank you from the depths of my heart and soul.
Just found your channel 24 hrs ago, and have laughed, cried, said “YES” to the television too many times to count as I have viewed your videos. THANK YOU for presenting this important content is such an authentic, engaging way! 🌷
Ps.. just tried the test with my dog. 7 seconds and he was jumping on me to “wake me up” WOW!
You have an excellent way of describing the most difficult to describe experiences. So very very helpful!
Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom. It's a real relief to finally have some validation on some long standing feelings of mine - what is criticised as 'neediness' is sometimes just straight up needs.
really love your videos. often with avoidants that make videos about attachment or anxious's make videos about attachment theres an edge of the bitterness between the two+ this dynamic. i love how you consistently actually marry the two as they really are.. they really are the same thing, same root, issues. not against eachother, we are both struggling on the same thing. its tempting to make the other the bad guy and im so happy and glad that neither are. and you acknowledge that they can actually both happen, maybe someone was avoiding in one relationship, but then they relate to someone who is more avoiding to them and suddenly they are the anxious.
Painful stuff. To realize this is how I've been living is painful - First with a parent and then a spouse. Thank you for helping me understand it and hopefully not repeat it.
Projam Kenya - same here , but we're on to what is going on now
My mom. Was not emotional for me ever
Yes it is a realization
Same here
Ellie Goulding song The Writer "I try out a smile, and I aim it at you, you must have missed it, you always do".
Thank you for that comment, I've checked the song and tears were rolling down heavily when I've realised how much that describes me. How my partner copes with that I have no clue. ^^'
This video details why I am distressed in my relationship with my partner and his daughter. There are some words but no detailed emotional communication or connection. I started having panic attacks and now I know why
Yes, the panic attacks. I use to have them too with checked out partners
Me too. I think panic attacks often happen when we are in relationships like this as we don't feel safe. We feel we have to always be on our guard
Holy SPIT …… you’ve created a masterpiece that not only reminded me of that research project and phenomenon (heartbreaking for me to watch, as I am deeply empathetic and can relate to the distress that the infant displays) but how to explain to my husband what his blank expressions, single word responses, lack of visible or audible appreciation of my humor, etc etc etc has done to me - and the affect such a painful emotional disconnect has done to our relationship.
**Not completely his fault, as I know who I married … but I didn’t know the extent to which his “calm” manner would affect me, and aid in eroding our connection.
Thank you for your content. 🧡
Incredibly healing to hear someone speak of this experience that gets trapped in our head inside all the crazy making with an avoidant. We feel like we’re the only one who sees it and are sensing it.
Spot on!
This keeps happening to me. My childhood wounds reopen themselves every day when people make a conscious decision to reject my caring gestures. I have no clue how to experience what I never had and adults are mocking me for it behind my back. It’s embarrassing the whole idea of attachment trauma and struggling to communicate with people, which is a crucial survival skill. I gotta fix this because I feel my survival is at stake. Predators eat stuff like this up.
Diva 504, I hear the suffering in your words here. Much empathy for the struggle to want things different than they are.
The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relatiopnships is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Love the hoodie! You look like a Jedi.
Ditto, I thought the same thing. Feeling the casual look
Alan IS a jedi.
Lol. Fryer Tuck!
This video is AMAZING. Such an excellent explanation of the pathology behind emotional unavailability. I will be sharing this with my clients who struggle in this area as an additional resource. Superb!
A G R E E !!!
I've just discovered you!
I have 2 parents who have Aspergers. Both extremely clever, but emotionally unavailable, totally unavailable. I had no idea they had Aspergers until I met someone who had it and she reminded me of my Mum. My Dad had an epiphany this year after watching Chris Peckham (UK TV presenter for nature documentaries, who has Aspergers and made a programme about it) and realised that he had Aspergers and talked about it...But didn't then talk about my feelings, his way of dealing with any emotional trauma is to push me away. I m widowed and 10 years ago I moved back with my parents...It's a really remote hamlet with no shop or cafe etc. I drive, I've had lots of therapy in the past, but after watching this, I totally get my need for constantly wanting to avoid home. I'm always saying, like a mantra, that I don't know where I belong or who I am...I've had some disastrous relationships and now realise I've lost my identity...my whole family feels dysfunctional. I sit in my car for ages before I go in....I don't like violence or horror films...I'm highly sensitive and feel other people's stuff...I'm not working and feel so disconnected to everything....I'm 50 and feel trapped. I've used so much energy driving all over the place just to get to things and see another human. When someone gives authentic time, eye contact etc it really touches me. My Dad has often called me useless, he doesn't now as I told him to stop calling me useless as I'm not...Why does a father's words have so much negative impact on me? My Mum doesn't show any emotion at all, but she doesn't come across as nasty like my father does...But once I was so distressed and crying on the floor, she just hoovered around me....I now understand why...But I'm now emotionally and mentally exhausted, but if I don't keep myself going, I'm stuck as I just don't have any support or anyone nearby and now it all feels too big for one small person. I didn't mean to write so much! Thank you so much if you've read this and thank you all for being brave enough to share your feelings...lots of love xx
I'm sorry that you are going through this, it made me cry just reading it. I have a very loving mom, But my dad left us when I was two years old and I'm now trying to heal that wound. I'm 32... I Hope You can heal and learn to love yourself! Sending You a hug! :*
@@isabelaguzei8745 awwwww....thank you for taking the time to write those beautiful words dear one x
@@Froglet1968 you're very welcome:)
It truly sucks to be in such physical pain from emotional injuries. I can't make it without anti anxiety meds.
I hope you’ll find the strength & self love to leave that environment. There is a way out. Just do it!
I cried so hard reading your post-totally feel you & can relate. You are not alone out there, we are all here and just doing our best possible. I wish you LOVE & HOPE. Everything will be ok.
I lived with a literal "still face" for 40 years.....and I m beginning to notice it in my sons with this person... .This explains SO much, especially since I consider myself an empath.....thank you, thank you, thank you......
Your words are simply PROFOUND! I am just in awe listening to each and every one of your videos. This is truly such an important baseline and thank you for confirming that the central nervous system is constantly subjected to this teeter totter of emotions. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so battered by the fluctuation of the degree of contact I was trying to manifest in a crush. Now I truly get it. 🤢 Even your video on Emotional Unavailability has become my go to to re listen to when I am feeling bummed out about why a relationship was not able to be manifested. They don’t have the tools for this level of emotional openness and they’ve adapted with particular protective walls to prevent from being vulnerable. (Style of Attachment is on the Avoidance side) via Personality Structure that supports keeping people at bay.
Why do so many of us seem so broken? 😥
This is really helping me be more emotional available for my boys. There was no emotional connections in my family, but I try very hard to give this to my boys. For many years, I was an unconscious parent because of my own family dynamics, but everyday I am getting better. I can see & feel the relationship between me & my boys flourishing. They are teenagers so they only want so much emotional connection from me, but anytime they come my way I drop everything and give them my full emotional attention. I noticed they are coming out their rooms more & they don’t get mad when anymore when come into their room and say hey let’s check in. They love it deep down. Even their friends say I always hear you mom in the background check on you! 🤣🤣 We even talk about sex and dating, which never happened in my family.
April, what a cause for celebration your story is! Congratulations! It feels so good to finally see change isn't it? Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist I just joined your community on Sunday. I am very excited!! Thanks for all that you do. I am so grateful! ❤️
You have answered so many WHY?'s and so many questions about what I have been going through over and over in my life that I am almost speechless except to say IT STILL HURTS even if I learned WHY!
My mother was schizoid and later in life disintegrated into schizophrenia. When I was a child, every day I was left alone with her as my father went to work. You can imagine that she had that face of stillness, I thought it was like she was a body without a soul, she would only look into my eyes to ask me to do something for her, because she refused to get up out of her own chair, so she would make me serve her. So I learned to be submissive to her and accept that my needs should be neglected, all with this still face daily. I cried much like these babies in these still face experiments, I struggled and I even yelled and raged, but it did nothing. My mother would only respond to me by telling me to go away, get out of her face, shut your mouth, you have a big mouth (when I protested against the abuse)...etc. As a result of all this I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and some dependent personality traits.
Relate a lot. Very messed up 💙
Alan, thank you sooo much for this specific video because it brought to my consciousness 3 generations of depression and allowed me to see the unmet needs fo connection. I will be forever grateful for the awareness of this need in 4 of the 5 generations still existing. My mother is deceased, however, there is
me and my sons, my
grands and great grands
who unknowingly have
experienced trauma,
neglect and the unsmiling face. Just saying the words unsmiling face brings up so much emotional pain that. I
become frozen in time. I can't think, focus nor respond to bring some relief to my self ( my damaged, pre-language little girl). I just want to 😱 "here I am, see me, give me some attention, some affection, some nurturing. "
I never realized how crucial the connection is for humans.
Finally I understand why I get this anxious in my new relationship. He does that and I am not at all used to it. He thinks it is normal to not look at each other or touch each other for hours. Only talking while we are in the same room. I can't stand it.
I know someone like that.
I've been like that for a long time and I was not aware of that as touch was just absent at my house. A friend showed me a book 'Five languages of love' and when I read 'Physical touch is a language - not an act of service' something just clicked in me. It was like realising that you have an additional sense that no one have told you about but were using it all the time - you just haven't noticed. I don't know if it makes sense but it's the closest I can compare it to. :)
@@andrzejkowasz That is very interesting! I was thinking the same about giving gifts. I couldn't imagine it. Until I spoke to my bf who could really identify with it. I felt stupid. How could I've been so blind?
@@valfle Well, now we know better ;)
Wow - the most informative and valiable video I've ever watched.
My nervous system picks up our disconnect and since we're "family" that makes me a wreck.
Great video! Extremely helpful. I will watch it with my girlfriend to explain her the importance of staying connected emotionally.
Alan, I
just started watching your videos, they are so helpful, and a graduation from the narc blaming sites. After all, we have to live with ourselves and own our part, if we are to truly move on, and form healthier relationships. Thank you for your perspective and insights.
You've got an incredible gift for explaining my childhood and adulthood pain.
Many of us can relate to the type of lingering pain you mention. I created The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz as an introduction to learning more about our reactions to conflict. If you're interested, I invite you to check it out here: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you so much Alan.
I've learned so much from your videos. Everyone should watch this in his/her lifetime when they're feeling something is 'off' in their relationships. This dynamic is killing, and you WILL lose the partner you love - most of the times in my experience. I've worked so hard on the attachment trauma, thought I was ready for a healthy relationship. Only to find out I (subconsciously?) again picked someone who was emotionally neglecting me. She did her best though, I can't really blame her, she also had her attachment trauma. Now weeks later - after the relationship ended - I understand what happend, and how I changed during the relationship. My old wounds, trauma and patterns showed up again. It sucks to be in this place again, starting all over again, but with some new fresh insights from you Alan. Some day I will make it :)
“Oh shit!!! Mom is not here!!” I love this ! It made me laugh I didn’t expect a therapist to say that .. but truly.. my mother was/is this way as she was a narcissistic alcoholic
So valuable this video. Thank you for the validation.
My boyfriend does this to me. We meet only once a week and he's still more interested in watching tv than talking to me or do anything else.
He makes fun of the fact I don't own a tv (because I don't want one) saying that's why he never comes to stay at my place.
And I feel the emptiness but I'm so freakin trained to shut up that I don't even know how to talk about my needs. He would probably break up with me anyway.
I love you Alan for the difference you're making in our lives, and for your awesomeness in sharing what you know!
Wow...My ex was emotionally unavailable. That explains alot. I have Cptsd and my adrenals are shot. IMO its narcissistic traits. He didnt ignore me in the beginning of our relationship. When I brought it up to have more intimacy with him he gave me the silent treatment while on vacation together and eventually discarded me.
Sounds like it may also be the dismissive avoidant attachment style. NPDs have this as well. But so do people with real empathy. Dealing with such a partner is painful.
OMG so true... I never knew why my mother (& later my husband) were so cold & critical. Very mean life, & no wonder I need pills.
@@peaceglory5973 Yes I agree as to DA's but he went to great lengths to hurt me...huge difference.
@@ronmexico8383 What did you decide to do...stay or go🏃♀️
@@ronmexico8383 Yeah she sounds dismissive or fearful avoidant attachment style. I'm happy its working. It can be very lonely world especially now during this pandemic. Good luck
I’ve been coming to terms with this for a while because it baffles me how my mom doesn’t respond to what I need emotionally and doesn’t bother to try to understand what I’m saying...yet expected it of me in childhood, as a teen, and now as a young adult. Like I get a minimal response toward something I feel strongly about or, if I’m trying to emphasize how important something is to me (an achievement, a mean comment from a friend, etc.), it gets passed over completely and we move onto what she wants to talk about. It’s even more confusing because she’ll sometimes “try” to understand, but it really looks more like imposing her view of my emotions on me rather than actually being quiet, actively listening, and responding accordingly. I have a few friends who are like this too-emotionally there for themselves but rarely for me. It seems to get worse over time. I’m still single, so thankfully I’ll be able to be pickier about finding an emotionally available man.
Wait are you me? 😂
YES!!! I love this developmental psychology and attachment trauma stuff. Wonderful!!!
Wow. My ex rarely spoke & if we were together he’d walk ahead of me & I always felt so alone. I was lonely in the relationship & it’s because we only connected sexually. Emotionally he wasn’t present. I just thought he was quiet but really he wasn’t available. He was so sweet & I beat myself up when it didn’t work out but I’m realizing it didn’t matter how nice he was. I was so alone because we didn’t have emotional connection. If I expressed any emotion he totally shut down. I used to crave interaction so much that I’d make friends with anyone ~ no matter where we went because I was so lonely. Interesting stuff.
Jlabo We must’ve dated the same guy. lol
Mine held my hand and was very physically affectionate but that was about it. He was a sweet southern gentleman but I felt so lonely, abandoned and hollow. I told myself he was just shy, but no. These videos are so enlightening. I ended my relationship after six months of this and here I am two months out finally feeling better about my life.
I am watching these videos again - today after the 3rd break up with my (now) ex-boyfriend. I've been looking for 1 of Alan's videos to tell him about, and maybe this is the one. I realize that I am the person in the 3rd example: I don't scream and shout...but I do recognize when it's not normal to be emotionally checked out -- although I'm the one with the high threshold saying: "it's ok" (or at least "ok for now"). And, the consequence is that my needs don't get met, I live in a fantasy that I think I'm in relationship when I'm being related to in an ambivalent/avoidant way. It makes me sad to think I spent Christmas with my boyfriend...and what I witnessed, or at least seemed to feel was a lot of this "freezing" that Alan describes. A lot to think about...and the lesson is: how to recognize the "frozen face" (emotional unavailability) for what it really is, and say for myself: "that does not work for me".
It's weird how I used to date overtly abusive men. In recent years, the abusers seem to have been replaced by the ambivalent/avoidants.
So, fresh after a break up...Alan's videos really help me cope and think about things in a different vein. Thank you, Alan.
NikkoYM me too, not the person screaming. But i silently observe. My last relationship was like this and I only made it to month 6 before I had to walk away. That was our second try (first round about 5 months). In the end i was compulsive shopping and binge eating. I hope you found some peace in your situation.
How did you get through the Break-Up with anxious attachment??
Thank you so much for another great video. This has been a generational issue for not only my family, but my husband's as well.
I've read many books, watched many videos, tried many healing practices. But you are the first one who truly understands what it is to live with attachment trauma and emotional distress.
I can imagine that you've learned all this through your own suffering and not only from books or courses.
I pray that one day my turn will come to help those who are struggling the same, because I'm in the depth of it right now and it's so painful.
I pray that one day, I'll have something else to offer to my kids than my own distress.
Thank you Alan for your amazing and generous work. I'm truly grateful.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these difficult dynamics and explain in a way that is accessible. Glad it brings you benefit.
If you value this content then you may also like taking part in the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes, I've joined the community. Thank you so much 💗
My boyfriend show no emotions, his face is still. He sits with his arms crossed. We watch TV not interacting with each other. I just keep looking at the clock and as soon as it hits 9:00pm I got to bed. I don't feel emotional connection to him and can't stand his sight any more. I know him for two years I don't even really know him. He keeps secrets.
Not a life. Leave… because he’s already done so
@@CITYBEACHTV thanks I left shortly after that. I broke up him 3 times before but convinced me to come back next 'things will change'
I am so happy that I have found your channel, I went to therapy for 18 years. Because my mom was not interested in my well being, but on the other hand my dad was. This is called children learn what they live.
Thankyou for this illuminating information....it has validated my own experience .I do wonder however, how many parents are actually emotionally available. I get the impression that most are not, due to being disconnected from their own emotions. It seems like the 'norm', this lack of emotional engagement, or the emotional engagement is only on a surface level.
Dianne Dell actually they are totally exhausted.
Also meeting physical needs was the overall goal.
Excellent breakdown of how the physical and emotional dettachment present themselves. Ah Ha Moment for sure!!! You've giving me the words to explain what I feel. Thank You!
Wow, Alan Robarge, you are brilliant. This is insightful and powerful. Thank you for helping me so much to understand my chronic emotional distress in certain relationships in my life. Your information had been life changing for me. 💕
One week before my ex boyfriend broke up with me, he disconnected from me and was not available anymore. My primal fear went up so high, it was devastating. I couldn't eat anymore...now that some time has passed I understand better and better the dynamics of what happened. It helps. Even when the pain hits hard again sometimes. I'm looking forward to a beautiful life without drama. Or let's say a beautiful and peaceful life :)
Incredibly vital information. Thank you so much. Explanation of the physiological effects of still face / emotional shut down is so helpful.
Also how we learn to override the anxiety. BUT ITS STILL THERE.
I wonder if this could cause autoimmune illnesses as the immune system is repeated chronically triggered.
This info is extremely valuable to me.
You're right, cuz without anti anxiety meds, my white blood cell count is off.
Thank you so much for this video; I feel like I understand so much of my heart's fear and pain right now.
Holy sh*t he just nailed what bothers me about my spouse & couldn't put into words. Nice guy, but emotionally not connected
Me too, but he was an alcoholic... His only emotional connection was to his martinis.
@@MA-un1mj 😂😂😂
sorry but that comment was funny
what can alert a woman to see if he is a potencial alcoholic ?
does partying every weekend and getting smashed is a sign ? if dont go out on weekend ( rarely ), he would drink at home. 🤓
@@noneofyourbuizness hi. its ok to party regularly, when you're young. but my husb was still doing it at 33 yrs old, when I met him. Also, I think it was a bad sign that all his friends drank heavily. That kinda keeps u stuck in an unhealthy rut. So when we got married he continued the same drinking with habit, as if I wasn't even there. He only slowed down at 58, so he wouldn't die. I mean, booze was #1 to him. Good luck,👍 & hope he doesn't smoke pot everyday. (Mine did that too).
What’s the point? If the other is disconnected, because it’s normal for him, and it’s his defence mechanism, then he’ll never be genuinely involved with you. It’s not in his being and he probably won’t really be comfortable with it, it’s foreign to him. You can’t make efforts forever, it becomes tedious, like it’s a job. I believe the problem is when the partner who is emotionally invested can’t find a way out of the relationship for whatever reason.
Thank you so much for this video...I always got told that I just imagine these things and that I "feel it wrong"...like wtf.
I know what I feel and I know they are real feelings.
I feel very fast if I don't get enough emotional nurturing and I don't feel emotional intensity.
This was my husband for years. Not all the time but most of the time. At least I was attached and connected to the kids. I freaking hated watching him, being around him. It sucked so bad and only now am I starting to understand why it bothered me so much being near him. My goodness
This video really helped me! Finally the answers! You did a great job explaining everything. This was my first video of yours, onto the others.
Best yet. Everything he does is solid.
Love this. Understanding is half the battle. Thank u for yr incite
This is so deep I can only handle it in doses. Very powerful! I shall watch all your videos.
Thankkkkk youuuuuu. I am understanding many things. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
this was fun! I enjoyed watching Alan playing the parts of the mum and the baby
Iris Bloom yes I loved that
Fun is not my experience at all lol but definitely a valuable video
🙏🙏🙏 Always trust your gut re how does this situation make you feel? Forget how they look, often do or say the right thing etc... Emotionally checked out when a partner says i did this for you, not us, not we. In fact finds difficulties in saying we, always happy to say for you. Im with you in walking into a room with a group we dont want to connect, often it doesnt feel right. Again usually the gut again stresses out! We know this but told give people the benefit of the doubt as we are not the same or have the same experiences. True but weve all been to a job interview and when attendees mirror the interviewer either by eyecontact or body language or easy language we feel connection when leaving the room. We deny boundaries when it comes to intimate relationships in the hope things will improve as a sign of being an adult or maturity (cheese is mature). Vibes dont lie, bad enough for a little child, respect yourself as an adult, if they refuse engagement repeatively then the other party with suffer. 😢
Alan, I resonate very strongly with so much of what you share in your videos - both from personal experience in my marriage and from the stories I hear from my divorce coaching clients. Many clients come to me trying to decide if they should stay or go and my initial goal is always to preserve the marriage when possible. I definitely plan on sharing your content with them. Thanks for really digging into this tough issue.
You are so insightful. Haha thanks for the baby cries! But so true! Attunement is important. We can learn so much from this in our adult relationships.
THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ON. YOU ARE WONDERFUL. THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR 32 YEARS OF MY MARRIAGE, AND CONTINUES TO THIS DAY...THANK YOU FOR PUTTING WORDS TO THIS FOR ME ! ! ! I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO EXSPLAIN IT. AND IAM THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED PERSON WHO NEEDS TO TAKE MY PSYCH MEDS.... XO
I love this episode so much, you talked about the most hurtful thing in my life, I've been ignored and i still feel ignored, hope i can break this Pattern 💔
Empathy to you. I'm sorry you've been ignored. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are going through similar experiences is very helpful for many people. Glad this video resonated with you.
Many of our emotional states-of-mind, like feeling hurt from being ignored, are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. You can check out the Attachment Distress Responses course by taking a quiz I created: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan! How do we ask for more emotional connection? A lot of us with more anxious temperaments may be concerned about suffocating our partner. Is there another video on asking for greater intimacy in a way that doesn't make the other partner think the relationship is doomed?
Yes that would help as this video to present to them may feel like an attack or another fight
My last relationship was like this. It damaged my self esteem, I tried everything I could to get this person to connect with me. Eventually I got burned out and my mental health took a hit. The relationship brought out my anxiety like never before, always in a state of confusion as to where I stood. His words were there, he told me he loved me, but it felt very hollow. So glad I’m out of that.
Whoops didn’t mean to reply under your comment.
Mrlimabean01 my question too. But my experience is that the shut down person has to do much work on themselves.
Penelope Lambson they likely have dismissive avoidant attachment style
This! As the eldest child, my grandmother doted on me so I knew I deserved attention and love and tried to demand it from my emotionally unavailable parents. My two younger brothers are totally ‘normalized’ to my family’s dysfunction. They call me crazy because I’m crying at a dinner when both of my parents are on their cell phones and tell me I’m ungrateful because they took me to my favorite restaurant and are paying for the bill, so why am I being such a dramatic baby. It’s a mess.
Thanku Alan for giving the answers to some very painful & deep rooted stuff I've felt ALL my life. Nobody else here in the UK has ever been able to articulate this to me so that it made sense. Upsetting to listen in parts but the truth hurts doesnt it....however, I'm now hopeful that it's possible to one day recover from CPTSD & DVPTSD. Thank you again very much Alan 🙂 p.s please can you do something on recovery from DVPTSD? Thanku.
This is great alan, thanks. i can identify with this all of what you have shared. I moved back in with my mother after a long time away from home and re experienced all this distress that now, a year later from moving out of her home, can see was old early attachment trauma. for a long time i thought i was going crazy though. Cheers.
This is really interesting.. I want more emotional connection/intimacy in my relationships but I also know I am hard to read and can have a still face at times, even though I may care (I think it's due to past trauma) I am going to make an effort to have more expressive facial expressions and maybe I'll even meet a more emotionally healthy partner if I am aware of this.
Was reading down comments looking for support or advice that mom is human, and especially with multiple children, the bids for connection are non-stop. Mom gets emotionally exhausted, but her attempts to recharge then cause emotional distress to the kids? And trying to do the deep work of healing your own childhood wounds, but with limited breaks from caregiving.
Wonder if being emotionally unavailable is exacerbated because of the one way need/dependency dynamic in parent child relationships. You cannot be fully present there if you are depleted. Maybe a subtle difference is some people can see the need and may not be able to respond the way they'd like in the moment; and some people do not see the need for connection at all, or do not want it and actively push it away.
Wow so well broken down in simple terms , 🙏 thanks
I really appreciate these videos! Thank you!
This is so f'n true. My ex gf was still faced and this made me feel rejected. She then got mad at me for seeking connection with her.
35 and I'm only just hearing this.
Failed relationships, 8 year marriage all gone.. this is so eye opening.
Saved and will be repeated several times. Thank you so much for your insight.
I hear you, many of us can relate. Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If you like this video then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is a absolute gold. Thank you so much
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Since you like this video you may also like the Relationships Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I’m still in an emergency and I’m 50! 🙄 as always your video is so helpful thank you 🙏
Tru dat. I'm there.
Best explanation ever. Thank u so much!
Your great! Just found you today! And I love your glasses and hoodie! ♥️ thanks for sharing your wisdom!!
Great explanation of how the distress resistance builds up in "still-faced" individuals. Love your content and your clarity :)
Thanks for the kind words. Glad this content and explanation was helpful and brought clarity. I remember when we mentioned distress resistance in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Alan Robarge, you spell it out!
Thank you.
I am feeling to be so kind to myself as all of this revelation integrates.
Mr. Robarge, I’ve been delving into shadow work lately. Taking a really close took at all of the *symptoms* of my attachment trauma. Feeling unhappy in my marriage. Even telling my partner that I yearn for more of a connection, yet not knowing that this need was related to attachment trauma, and not really even knowing WHAT exactly was lacking - what did I even mean by “more of a connection”? I couldn’t explain it to myself, let alone my partner. That sat on the back burner of my mind for a bit, and I continued to muddle around in shadow work, not even realizing that all of these “things that are wrong with me” are TIED TOGETHER. They’re all related. They all have the same root. AND ITS ALL THANKS TO YOU. I found you yesterday and started watching some of your videos. Everything fell into place. I can’t describe what this epiphany feels like. It’s like I just ripped off a bunch of scar tissue to reveal a bleeding, gaping wound. It’s been so intense- the lid is off and the tears just keep flowing- and I’m making a conscious effort not to default back to bottling those emotions as well. Letting the tears flow. Trying to love myself, console the inner, little self. My partner overheard one of these episodes and came to console me (just this morning). I once again explained that we’re missing an emotional connection and he disagrees with me. The more I tried to explain, he denied it and actually got MAD and walked away- abandoning me mid-conversation. Fast forward a couple hours later, and this video showed up in my suggested videos. BAM. Exactly what I needed to explain to him. Weird coincidence, right? I’ll show him when he gets home. At this point I’m concerned though... I’ve identified the problem, and I am a HUGE part of the issue. I’m realizing how disconnected I am as well. Probably even more than he is. I’m left wondering- how do I fight the “still face” urge? How do I become truly engaged in what he has to say? I can fake it... but I feel like his nervous system would pick up on that and that won’t fix anything! This is where I’m stuck. Anyway... this is by far the longest comment I’ve ever made on TH-cam. I just wanted to express to you a deeply sincere thank you.
Thank you for valuing my content Marie. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
So. This is profound for me as I’m sure many. So I grew up with a mother who was still face and absent. Same with father grandmas and grandpas. What’s the odds ? Is this why I’m an empath and highly sensitive person? Why I register every nuance and movement? Why at 49 I’ve never had a healthy relationship...or relationship at all for that matter? Parents. Put down the phones and interact and love your children. Thank you Alan.
WOW! This is insanely well explained. I will never be the same again lol
Sun Lee, thank you for the supportive comment. I'm glad this one resonated for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
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Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
This video is everything!!! Thanks for sharing!