"THIS IS WHY You Keep Having Relationship PROBLEMS!" | Dr. Shefali & Lewis Howes
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 พ.ค. 2021
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Dr. Shefali received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written four books, three of which are New York Times best-sellers, including her two landmark books The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family.
As an acclaimed author, international speaker, clinical psychologist, and wisdom teacher, Dr. Shefali teaches workshops and courses both online and in-person around the world. Her online courses have helped hundreds of adults and families around the world. They cover topics like anger, anxiety, purpose, meaning, relationships, and conscious health. In addition, she regularly teaches group-meditation classes virtually and in-person as well.
Dr. Shefali also founded the CPMCP - a highly tailored and formatted coaching program replete with specific strategies and techniques to train coaches to specifically help parents help their children to unfold into their fullest potential.
It was a pleasure talking with Dr. Shefali about relationships, how to break from the victim mindset, and how we can heal the needs of your inner child. She has a wealth of knowledge, and I’m so thrilled to share it with you today!
Join me on Episode 1,110 to learn how to understand your trauma and relationships with the incredible Dr. Shefali!
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When speaking on relationships with people who dump their pain/anger onto you and Dr Shefali said we should say...
"I see that you are hurting, I know you want to make it about me but I can't play this game right now."
That was powerful and I felt every word. It's true that you don't have to be a part of their drama. Not just right now either but ever! ❤️
Same!
just your typical masculine man hating radical feminist
I see that you are hurting , I know you wamt to maketi about me but I can’t play this game right now , every time I say it it rings deeper bell
The hurting person may only want compassion from you.
Yes. Practicing to be aware and recognize projection will help us to stay calm instead of feeling hurt and personally attacked. This one takes a lot of work!
My most recent ah ha like this was a week ago... I'm 78. Apparently growth continues which is actually pretty exciting actually.
Fascinating. Thanks for sharing Anne ❤️
Thank you so much Anne. I needed that. You really helped
My aunt is 98, and she told me she's looking forward instead of back. And she is still learning and growing. I'm so proud to be her niece.
That’s beautiful!
I have been on this journey for over a decade and love it!
I’ve seen several therapist with my partner and have NEVER had a therapist as knowledgeable as this. I feel that couples therapy CAN be detrimental without the RIGHT therapist. This is such an amazing video with so much information. So much to unpack and internalize. Thank you for this!!!!!
I never comment on TH-cam videos, but I gotta say... this video deserves it. I have always loved Dr Shefalis perspective on raising children... but to hear what she has to say about relationships blew me out of the water. This podcast (and her book, which I got on audible after listening to this podcast twice) was exactly what I needed at the time. So synchronistic. So much love for Dr Shefali.
I too have a better understanding of who I am and how much I've grown as well as how much more I need to grow and evolve. I appreciate her knowledge, experience and support for us who are just unaware.
Did she help you justify your actions and motives for doing what you did? LOL
@@jackv6477 Evolve Jack, you too have it in you.
@@delishme2 LOL great response 😂
How do you feel about her saying she is against marriage? Does that help you feel she can guide you better in a relationship?
Pain is openness. The wound is were the light enters.
i like the way Dr. Shefali is bringing this out. totally relating. The social media part is more of feeding the ego. Truly grandma's encouragement is enough. everything else is just insecurity and unworthiness
Have you considered the fact that a lot of people don't get encouragement from their family? Hence seeking validation from social media / the public / fame /etc?
Divorcing for real causes is perhaps okay, but divorcing just because you have not grown emotionally, mentally, spiritually- that is a new one. What is the purpose of marriage- for both partners to grow together, not to grow apart
Ok. Ive listened to about one minute here, and I'm just going to say, last weekend my "boyfriend" informed me that if I wasn't meeting up to his standards, which had to do with some past experience he had regarding some other women in some way, he was going to "go down the road" and leave me. And in that moment, I discerned what he was saying, and I knew within myself exactly what he was saying. He was saying he wanted to control and manipulate me somehow with his supposed reasoning and trying to make me pay for some other woman's past mistakes in his mind somehow. And I just sat there and said to myself and him, You know what? I'm just not doing that. And if you want to threaten me with leaving, because you know I will suffer in some way if you do, that's not love, and if you don't truly love me and you feel you want to threaten me in some way, then just go! I don't care! I don't care if I will suffer in any way whatsoever as a result of your threat. If you want to threaten me that you're going to leave, then I'm all for it! I don't care the cost on my part. I think you should leave too if you're going to threaten something like that. And then he suddenly got really quiet and began to make dinner for us. Like, what is that all about? Oh wait. I think I know! He thought he could exert some kind of power over me somehow through his threatening, but I didn't have it. I chose something other than that. And I would say, I did know that in the moment. I knew i needed to choose very, very wisely. And I do believe that I did. Ok. I'll just listen to the rest of the video now. Thank you!
This was amazing to read ❤
Lewis! You are such a great interviewer!
Myriam! I 100% agree! Seriously - I love his honesty snd curiosity.
He truly is amazing! I love him! ❤️
Done
We're not just telling stories, we're changing lives
She is spot on about human nature and the inner work everyone needs to do! And we do live in a trauma- based matrix. This is one of my favorite episodes, thank you Lewis!
It is not the human nature. Is the NATURE ITSELF. YOU CANT HEAL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOOD CHAIN. THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS AN ENDLESS FOOD CHAIN, SO GOOD LUCK FINDING "LOVE" AND HEAL HERE. LOVE DOES NOT EX - IST HERE IN FIRST PLACE :) AND OBVIOUSLY THE CREATOR DOES NOT FEED YOU WITH LOVE, BUT WE FEED ON EACH OTHER!
That's another masculine man hating radical feminist. Stop falling for obvious mentall manipulation what comes the use of trauma.
Agreed. Mine too
Absolutely fantastic session! Indeed very enlightening and useful! Thsnks
@Beauty by Roxie p
She looks amazing! Younger and renew. I got divorced 10 years ago after 20 years of marriage. Then, after ups and downs I discovered a beautiful worthy person and follow in love with her. ME! And yes! I look younger. 😍
Dealing with your issues actually removes wrinkles, ask Dr. David Snyder.
What Lewis said about people pleasing is so accurate to me… 🙏🏿🙏🏿
Trusting your kid, or being distrustful of your kid is not about the kid, it’s more about yourself,
Thank you, Lewis and Dr. Shefali, for this honest conversation.
Been following Dr. Shefali since lock down started and she helped me through the toughest days. love her so much 💛🧡❤
@@alidahabibipour4338 ² the first one 2² the ²2⅔22² is the 333rd of the world monetary policy 33and 33rd 33century 33³3rd 3333 and 3333rd 3century 33333333333333³333333333332🙂🙂🙂🙂3 the first of the
I LOVE the idea of both people entering a relationship and going in to therapy. I actually have had this thought myself, but I never meet people that are anywhere near that sort of mentality.
It is a great idea! But I'd rather have a pastor or priest.
That's a very, very Good idea!!!!
Great thought but they would deny they need help in becoming aware
I had many fights/misunderstandings in my relationship for Like 3+ years. Then i suggested my bf that we should both go To therapy. I do it alone still and did it together with him for 2-3 months , i guess.
But now he doesn’t want To go anymore. 😢
We Don’t think the same about therapy.
@@madalinas.8694 Thanks for sharing. Do you think therapy helped you and your bf have less fights? From what you've said, I assume you think it helped and he didn't?
Thank you!! Marriage is a longevity model not a growth model. I am a widow now, no more marriage for me. I am constantly growing and changing.
❤️ "We are only interconnected beings.... ...we are.... ...nothing is permanent..." -Dr. Shefali
Your loss is our loss, my loss is our loss, your gain is our gain, my gain is our gain... we are all interconnected even if we are apart. Cause & effect, affects us all!
Lewis... Thank YOU for being so humble and gentle! I always love hearing questions that you ask everyone you interview😍✨ I have been learning how to ask people questions from you! The tone of your voice is really comfortable to listen to🎧
💯 to the above comment. 👍 Plus you are so easy on the eyes 😂😂
Where was this lady hiding? Love everything you said...when giving the opportunity. Supporting my family (sisters, cousins) having issues. As i figure out my take and breaking the cycle of narcissists. This is evolution! Thank you so much!! 💓
🧡
Another fantastic guest! One of my life teachers - the late, great Louise Hay often stated in her books if you are wondering why your parents couldn’t give you what you wanted or needed start asking questions about your grandparents ....because your parents only knew what they knew and received from their parents.
Another phenomenal show! Thank You! 🙏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💪🏻🌈✨
Agreed ✍🏻I also kept on researching and Studied Deliverance and generational curses ,Soul ties Fasting and Prayers I found that was the only Permanent way to heal at the root 💥And not energetically continue to gravitate to unhealthy familiar ties like a homing pigeon
that is just a man hating radical feminist who is anti-heteronormative so the worst thing you can do is spread her mind viruses to your children.
So what are we talking about here
@@MulattoMovement 🤣😂 You’re so afraid of women feeling whole without needing male validation. I feel sorry for your daughters, mother, aunts, grandma, female friends (doubt you have any). You obviously only see women as objects.
Not really .. certainly not always.. my grandmother wuz a better parent than my mother .. and I may be one in a million but I did not take on my mother's negatives but absorbed the positive
She is a very high vibrational spirit - an amazing interview. Thank you again Lewis, for bringing your best self to your interview, to bring out someone else’s best self, to teach us to be our best selves
@@biancadelarosa7986 That was your journey bless you but dont interfere in anothers.
I love this lady, she's among one of the best guests you've ever had on - and probably one that made you the most nervous huh Mr Lewis??
She’s beautiful inside and out…she’s magnetic you can tell. I think she would make any person nervous.
Making the person you are talking to comfortable is great in conversations. Why do you say that her making Mr Lewis look nervous is a compliment?
@@j.browne7352 Making the person you are talking to comfortable is great in conversations. Why do you say that her making Mr Lewis look nervous is a compliment?
just your typical masculine man hating radical feminist
@@MulattoMovement nah, I love the Divine masculine -you know, a "REAL MAN"
But I don't mind bashing a living shit out of the indoctrinated (human male) - you know, "you're typical useless coward". you just don't like what this woman had to say cuz she shed light on the likes of you. Your type of human male don't like to be reminded of those facts - I can tell I pissed u off, cuz you call called me a radical feminist, just for speaking the truth- that's okay, considering the source I'll get over it quite swiftly
I love her message about not owning society's expectations, and being your own person & loving yourself for it. I just listened to her interview with Jay Shetty before this one, and the message is the same and consistent. Thank you Dr. Shefali, your message deserves the biggest platform.
I love ❤️ her message ! I’ve been living life through my own rules, all of my life . It’s granted me a very powerful and blessed life 🌟 I love my life , I don’t know how it happened , but I’m glad it did ! I don’t live for others , I live only for myself 🤩😍🌟
I read her book and I feel free! She touches on all the different areas of life and truly awakens you! Highly recommended 🔥🔥🔥
Its completely normal to attach . It's a basic human need to attach . This talk is good overall but filed under " take what you like and leave the rest " file.
Why do you think that's problematic?
I ended my relationship as I could no longer 'play the game!' The best decision as I found Eckhart Tolle and Wayne Dyer then all of these fabulous teachers. Thank you for another great program!!
Hi Lorna.. how’re you doing today?
I’ve never looked for validation in men but I went though childhood trauma. I had a lot of love and respect growing up despite the trauma. I actually avoided men for many years and that helped me build strength.
Same. There’s a lot to be grateful for but sometimes now that I’m becoming a grown woman I find myself not being able to be submissive as a feminine because I’ve avoided men.
Lewis, you always have interesting guests but your honesty is the most healing outcome of all your podcasts. You have my respect. Thank you.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears! An amazing interview with so many profound gifts! Thank you both for sharing this brutally authentic interview. Just do the work!
This is hitting hard. Being through much sexual abuse myself, I resonate with her completely. Thank you for sharing this.
Dr. Shefali , Dr. Ramani these women from India are pure gold. Their role as “healers “is being cherished by whole world.
🌟
*Your focus on hating yesterday is killing your opportunity to love tomorrow!!*
...words to live by💞
The best place to find your whole person who lives in sovereignty, might be those watching this 😂😂🙌🏻
RUMI - "The wound is where the Light enters you" ... well done Lewis for bringing it up: 18:23
Her first "Ending Truths" was on point like a snitches finger.
She is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!!
In my next life I want to be a psychologist/therapist! 😄 OMG this was so good!!! I love her.
Why not now?
*”Its not pain it’s unfolding”* 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
Love that Lewis does try to learn, understand and not an all knowing male. Dr Shefali has some amazing insights
I never leave any comments here on TH-cam videos but I have to said this is one of the most powerful open eyes and awakening videos I ever watched… victimization is just another way to excuse yourself from being responsible for your own growth 🙌🙏
I have been hanging on her every word the whole interview… such an amazing guide and totally nails the feminine journey into power.
This is one of the most powerful interviews you did Lewis 🙏
The quality of your questions and the in depth raw answers received from Dr Shefali are priceless. Everything that you touched on in this interview is really the core of the issues that most of us have in life, personal and professional relationships. This interview had covered so many underlining issues that everyone watching should be inspired to book a therapist. 💖 Thank you for your thirst for learning and for sharing it with us, sending love 🙌❤️🥰
This is the BEST conversation I found about "real life shit". It has given me clarity and understanding about all the things that are not making since to me in my life. I love all the awesome questions that the dude ask all his guest and on phone calls. It's so beneficial to people who are dealing with a spiritual awaking.
this woman is super insightful. wow.
This lady is powerful!!! Healing is a process and a learning experience.
I'm working hard on my attachment style and self worth and it's crazy how long it takes to undo something from your childhood. Even in the 0-2 months you absorb so much of this stuff as a baby that can affect you years later for years. It's crazy!
What a wonderful guest- thank you for sharing
I love "the need is why do I have the need" --- "the real need." Brilliant!
It seems as a whole we are all going through this at many levels and sometimes together that's why we all are here 🙋♀️
I got my help from someone, he was the only one who was able to help me bring back my ex husband back to me and he save and solve my relationship problem ❤️❤️❤️
Text me via what’s app for recommendation ❤️❤️❤️
+ 1 6 7 8 4 2 6 5 0 9 5
From Los Angeles ❤️❤️❤️
Love this form of interview. It’s like Lewis being Dr Shefali’s patient. Love the exchange of toughts.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Such wonderful information.
I love Dr. Shefali. She teaches all that I teach my clients💜💜💜
Thanks for this video.
Men need to learn this as much, maybe more than women,
because men suffer as deeply as women but we don't talk about that and men don't have great ways to process feelings, typically.
Guys and gals, this is worth doing for yourselves and for the success of your future relationships.
👍
This is such a wonderful interview. Thank you Lewis !!
Hello angel, how’re you doing today?
I hope all is well with you?
This woman is AMAZING and is honest too!
I can so relate to Dr. Shefali...great interview.
Thank you for such a wonderful interview! I’m gonna have to re listen to it a couple more times!
Just loved this conversation. I love Lewis's slight playfulness in all this talks,the openness, the curiosity to know better and the way the notes are taken. Its quite honestly a class he's taking and therapy at the same time. 🙂
Thank you so much for bringing forth this conversation.😊🙏
Yes, he is brilliant with his interviews- another great one! II love the way he takes notes and asks what we want to know - I LoveDr Shefali
he's also bisexual and that's a feminist
thank you dr. shefalli...so helpful, soulful, inspiring
True. Finding love, peace and acceptance within oneself is important. It may not guarantee attraction of potential partners, but life will be more joyful. Deaparation puts people off.
Thank you Lewis for thinking of us! You are the best! 😘🙍🏻♂️ I love how honest you both are with your experiences! This is something we all need to do more, be honest with ourselves and others when it comes to our feelings! I am listening to this episode more than once and I also recommended it to the people I love!
Looks like Lewis loved this interview you can see he was trying to connect all the dots, awesome to watch .. there was alot of gold in this interview but if you haven't started putting in the work on yourself , your brain would probably be full 40min into the interview because it has nothing to do with the other person..witch can be quite painful to understand..
Well said 🙏🏾
Lewis Howes was also abused to to him this is also a personal interview
Brilliant questions Lewis Thankyou!! I'm 53 & still trying to uncover the beliefs & unconcious trauma, programs in my body/brain - I didn't realise either till only 3 years ago after a break up & the past trauma all hit home again & awakened me also - not 100% either, a lot of work spot on what u are saying, so many levels, evolving, I agree Lewis half of my life living in this unconcious pain, I always say why has it taken so long yet others way sooner? I dont understand, yes Lewis I also was a huge people pleaser, only this year have stepped back from this & stopped, I almost feel guilty but this is truth as u said, it's very overwhelming the layers as u say. I hope one day I am able to finally unconditionally accept & love myself & hope to meet someone who loves & accepts me for me 100% also.
I still believe it is NOT our fault what happened to us as children & how much is imbedded/unconcious!! It's very painful when people who have no idea about this kind of trauma & tell u " the past is the past, get over it"!!!
I will definitely look into your book ....
Thankyou again - brilliant speech 🙏🙏
Oh man enlightening and amazing interview, that's what this is - an interview where Lewis asked questions and actually engaged with Dr Shefali instead of having her on the show and letting her narrate her book like hosts do in other interviews I've watched. You can see she was genuinely delighted to be asked different questions and the interaction back and forth allowed us greater insight into her teachings. Great work 👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I struggle with cptsd and I have gain insight from this. Thank you again! This is one of my favorite interviews from you.
This was truly a gift, thank you 😊 I will definitely keep coming back
Dr. Shefali, so refreshing to hear you speak. Its like you have spoken my exact understanding and truth. So nice to know there are others who are like minded/souled.
This is the type of video you need to watch several times to get all this wisdom. Very profound. Thanks Dr Shefali and Lewis
Have listened to this 4 times.
So good. And I am 62...love the honesty (it feels so real and humane).
I got my help from someone, he was the only one who was able to help me bring back my ex husband back to me and he save and solve my relationship problem
Text me via what’s app for recommendation
+ 1 6 7 8 4 2 6 5 0 9 5
From Los Angeles
@@victoriasimi5951 if he didnt come back of his own volition he was not meant too. Time always shows what was meant to be.
Yes, so true. Parents have crazy talk to children 24/7. I had to check myself. Because we hurt these little humans beings and stop trying to force them to be what you want them to be.
You are right. Trust them to be themselves, and cultivate and support them in who they are because they are not us...they are themselves.
I love the idea of always learning from mentors, including relationship mentors. Valuable growth can come from intentional learning, growth, and improvement. However, I truly believe many of her attachment/relationship philosophies are developed around protecting herself from her own hurts and fears. It's almost like she has found the "enemy" that hurt her, and then tossed the baby out with the bathwater. Beautiful synergy and blessings can come with lifetime relationships and commitments. Are we to make all of our decisions and choose our paths based upon our traumas and empowered victimhood? I love many of the principles she discusses. It just seems to be largely colored with a constant need to escape discomfort, and viewing that as true freedom. Balance. Many of the less healthy behaviors she discusses are codependent responses. Certain detachment and stepping back to not tie our happiness to others is spot on. But a lot of it just sounds like avoidant and insecure attachment to put up safety blockades, which isn't truly being authentic, open, healed, or vulnerable to beautiful deep connection, which also involves levels of trust and creating loving safety zones. I believe this can and does exist within a relationship that can also have an acceptance, grace, repentance, and forgiveness zone. Growth like this happens IN healthy relationships.
I agree totally with you. She is coming from a totally different ancient culture that has very little in common with our modern western culture. We have gone way past her position years ago. We are now dealing with too much of a victimhood mentality in women particularly. This constant referral to the toxic patriarchy particularly the white patriarchy is not appropriate in our modern western culture. She needs to be telling this to people in her own country of origin and culture not ours. We have gone way past the need for her message. Now we have actually gone too far the other way. It’s western men who have to deal with toxic femininity in our modern culture! It’s destroying them and the modern family. So sad.
What a great conversation, I can’t stop listening , so many concepts to grasp
Thank you both for showing up in this world. Sending many blessings!🙏🏻❤️
🙏🙏❤️
@@Svyp3r Say the frauds and/or delusional..
So glad to have heard this today! I have forwarded it to a couple of female friends who are continually making the same mistakes over and over with the same types of outcomes.
Kathryn Wahlstrom,You look stunning 🌹🌷,you deserve a good man
Allowing people to crush my boundaries was my biggest issue and I changed it.
Love this interview. I've followed Shefali's teaching and it has helped me be a better person today❣
Love from Trinidad🧡
Great Guest… Amazing Discussion… I was enjoying this from the beginning but when she shared her opinion about the social media craze that just added to the enjoyment… for years people would say why don’t you like to share stuff on social media and I’m like it’s called a personal life for a reason… to remain personal 🤦🏻♀️ the whole world doesn’t need to know what’s happening in my life… only the ones that are important have that privilege…but social media is great for both business and marketing purposes… Lewis you’re awesome 😎
Many thanks for being open and expressing your vunerability. I've hit rock bottom in a few relationships. I kept walking on and learning many lessons about myself as time went on. Being from a conditioned past where I had always define myself to others who I am. Now I arrived at a place that I've accepted who I am without validating. Today we are blessed with the tools made available online and through literature. Being a people pleaser doesn't make you a better person.
It's bring enslaved by other's unhappiness. You then condition others to think this is who you are. Then when you change as a woman, you're looked at as an egotistical and selfish individual. It was realizing my Selfworth. Today the world is about evolving and being in my own Power making my own choices. It's a great but a difficult journey but rewarding when accepting of thy self. Stop hurting yourself and keep growing into a beautiful Swan...💖
These tutorials would be great for teens to learn as part of their schooling education. This would be so beneficial to enrich our societies as growing into mature adults and healthy communities..
❤️
Congratulations Dr. Shefali. You got a clear picture of the way we act. Thank for the opportunity to understand a little more of the way we’ve been living without understanding ‘the other’ actitud, when we haven’t been able to understand ourselves.
Thank Lewis for this gift.
Wound is the place where the light enters you
She is so beautiful, elegant and sophisticated, wow !
Shafali's words are groundbreaking & your interview priceless!!! Thank you both for all your wisdom! 🥰🥰🥰
Carolien ten Brink,You are beautiful 🌹🌹,I think you deserve a good man
Thank you for this powerful talk. It gave me a lot. Thank you!
She is right on. Additionally as a holistic life coach I use the resonance repatterning to remove the emotional pain and associated physical pain It’s an amazing tool which helps me to achieve inner peace and a healthy body
I love this conversation. This sounds like some of the things I had to overcome. Love it. Spiritual growth.
Thank you so much for watching!
Awesome!!! Yet another exceptional interview bringing forth a treasure trove of wisdom. Dr Shefali is fantastic (and her answers to the 3 questions at the end too....just brilliant).
Excellent dialoging as always. Such good stuff Lewis. Thank you as always.
Lewis! Thank you for this. I follow Dr. Shefali and she is a gem.
This is amazing what struck me the most was when she said that one couples are starting out a relationship they should be in therapy from the very beginning!!
Aaahhh! Ha ha now that I look back I don’t think I would’ve been in any of my relationships if I had been in therapy in the beginning wow just wow!
Thank you dr. Shefali!!
Everyone is taught to be kind, sweet if possible. It's called having manners.
@@lewishowes1945 ok, thanks
This was amazing !!!
Amazing conversation , especially the part how much we are conditioned. I couldn't agree more.
Omg I listen this a thousand times but still love ❤️ listening it over and over again .everytime I listen I pick up great things…thank you!Lewis and Dr.Shefali
I hope to become as authentic and enlightened as she is! #growthgoals ❤️
She is so honest. I like her
What a beautiful interview, thank you so much guys for sharing Dr Shefali wisdom with us.
WOW I went through this too. This lady is a gift. I feel I've met my twin!! Thankyou ❤
She is beautiful inside and out 😍
I got my help from someone, he was the only one who was able to help me bring back my ex husband back to me and he save and solve my relationship problem
Text me via what’s app for recommendation
+ 1 6 7 8 4 2 6 5 0 9 5
From Los Angeles
When she said the healing “it takes a lifetime”... his brain laughed...😆
We can be so outcomes-focused and quick hack-consumed that we can forget that Nature, healing and much of Life itself is a PROCESS that takes Time & Real Work.
Thanks so much
oh my gosh this podcast just blew my mind. incredible talk